#more of my miserable pessimistic bullshit

[n1ghtwr1ter]

This is how it ends:

Gideon is going to take Alecto’s place as the soul of the Earth, because Alecto is long-dead and you can’t go home again. This will not involve her being Gideon anymore, mind you - the soul of a planet isn’t anything like a human being, because it is so large and contains so many multitudes. It contains concepts, like love and hate and forgiveness and mercy. It contains concepts like the freedom of the winds to blow, the mercy of the rains to soak the earth, the forgiveness of spring after a long and devastating winter. All of these, we have seen, Gideon also contains - and so the Earth will be Gideon, after a fashion. Hell, I suspect that the new citizens of Earth might even *name* it Gideon.

Gideon will be big and bright, full of promise and purpose. She will love the people who walk upon her ground, who ply her waters, who till her soil and coax new life from bare dirt. She will be a wonderful place to live - a new paradise, even, if you’re from the dead and dying Houses or the desperately struggling exoplanets. And in all the ways that matter, she will be Gideon.

And in all the ways that don’t matter, she won’t be Gideon anymore. They’re little ways, ways that will only matter to a very few, who will likely tell themselves that this is a good ending, this is the best thing for her, she always wanted freedom and what’s freer than being an entire planet? You can’t lock up a planet anywhere. They will tell themselves not to stand at her grave and weep. She isn’t there; she’s everywhere.

But you can’t kiss a planet. You can’t hold a planet. You can feel the whisper of the breeze through your hair, but it will never be her breath ghosting across your skin. You can feel the touch of the water all around you as you wade into the sea, but it will never be her arms embracing you. You tell yourself that you have no right to her, never did - especially not after how you treated her, especially not after what she did for you and, eventually, did for everyone - but you can’t help it: you miss her. It’s Gideon, and she belongs to everyone - but you miss your Gideon. And she is gone. You will never see her again.

It’s a very lovely and poetic ending and it’ll be a fitting end for the series but I hate it with every fiber of my being because god fucking dammit, those two kids deserved to be able to have their own lives, to learn how to be human beings together, to learn haltingly and with plenty of mess how to love each other in ways that did not rend or scourge. But I truly don’t think they will.

I know, I know, I’m a pessimist, what’s the evidence, etc.

- all of the parallels being established between Gideon and Alecto:

“The resting place of Harrowhark’s one true love,” how it’s Gideon’s sword now lying there when Harrow enters the tomb

The golden eyes

The healing abilities

The forgiveness

The love

The urge to be Harrow’s cavalier, and John’s

The anger

But also, I’m pretty sure Tamsyn said somewhere that all of the series is just cover for one simple, stupid joke. And what’s simpler and stupider than

I’m sure there’s a lot more evidence that I can’t remember just now - I’ll add it onto this post later like my little conspiracy board. I just can’t be arsed to look it up right now because thinking about it makes me want to die. But I’ve been very reluctantly working on this theory for months now and nothing I’ve seen has convinced me I’m wrong.

[tootern2345]

Greetings, fellow Tumblr users! Apologies for not really talking here much. Art, other social media sites, and life in general has been taking some time away from here. I still do like and use this site, In spite of the bullshit cacophony that goes on with the people running it. Why can’t people who run social media sites be decent humans instead of assholes? rant aside, here is a presentation:

Over these past few days or so, I’ve been getting interested in a game called Night In The Woods, mainly through reading about it online, The game itself is a platformer adventure story game dealing with a college dropout by the name of Mae going back to her hometown of Possum Springs and realizing that there’s some weird stuff going on there. And the story itself has been rather intriguing, characters with complex backstories and the like. Now, the main thing I want to address, is a feeling, a little something that a lot of people like about the game, relatability. Young adults living in small towns with no purpose in life, and to tell you the truth. I myself, relate a whole bunch to this. The overall nature of Possum Springs hits close to home of where I live, a rural mountain area that used to be rather humongous back during the days of coal mining and overall industrious labor which ended up going down the drain after said employers, with one reason or another, closed up. What used to be there is now gone, the areas are filled with depressed, miserable, and mentally & physically ill people who, if they could afford it, move out to greener pastures and forget about the past. Also, from what I’ve been reading about Mae, that’s another thing I relate to in a way, except the fact I haven’t attended college yet, but the overall feeling of being a young adult trapped in a slowly dying place nestled deep in the gritty heart of the mountains with barely any sense of direction to really get off to and using various mechanisms to mask that sense of despair, is 100% personal.

Another, the fact that a lot of people in the game (some harmless, others harmful) want to turn back time, when the economic stagnation was nowhere in sight, and everybody worked for a living and had some sort of ambition, a goal in their life, is something a lot of people around my area, alongside with others in the overall Appalachian/Allegheny regions, do. Which is a mix of pure, unadulterated stubbornness, and a sense of nostalgia, a way to make the past seem less grimy than it actually was, a bit of consistency and misguided hope, in a pessimistic world. As coal companies, while doing the thing employers a plenty back then and now did, also made use of children as young as 7 to work in the mines for hours and hours on end, with little regard of their safety and well being. They exploited the natural resources and in ways to get the production done faster, they cared more about quantity than quality, which leaded to a lot of mining disasters with a shitton of causalities and people either completely hateful towards the companies, or traumatized for the rest of their lives. Attempts to unionize were meant with great scorn, because to the bosses, the workers were just mindless members of the flock that could be easily used, replaced, and abused. Those unionization efforts either didn’t last long, or were dismissed by fellow mine workers. It truly was a dangerous life, but it was the only way to make income back then. And for the mental illnesses the characters face in the game, a lot of people in my neck of the woods aren’t mentally sound themselves, and, much like in the game, due to the overall stigma and lack of resource to genuinely help, most doctors give vague, useless treatments, or put you on some prescription. Which can do more harm than good, especially if you repress your emotions and a bigger, messier mental breakdown/episode ends up happening. With the therapists around these areas also being costly. Though, maturing and opening up more, which happens in the game too, is also something that I, and many others are trying to do more. Even people with problems like alcohol and general substance abuse do manage to get out of that dark, cataclysmic hole in some way, rather it be getting saved, realizing the full actions of their consequences, or getting good help/rehabilitation.

One final thing, and it relates to the opening up stuff, talking to family, or friends, or anyone that listens, can help. People do understand, and even were/are in your shoes. It is better to release all that emotion and get better, than it is to leave it all bottled up and get worse. Don’t let stigma or stubbornness get in the way of your own self. You’re not alone, you can make it, I believe in ya. ^^

To wrap this up, This game is relatable all the way! Props to Scott, Bethany, & Alex for making a game that, while has ambiguous dealings with the supernatural and some stuff about cultists, is a mature, even adult, story about struggling to find yourself in a world that is slowly but surely decaying around them. I also apologize if some of this is a bit rough writing wise. I usually don’t do a lot of essay-esque stuff. Just wanted to be a slight bit more formal with my text here. I also haven’t played the game yet, and it’s okay if you like, or don’t like certain characters, or can’t relate to the game as a whole. What matters, is that if you have some sort of fun playing the game or reading about it. And if this game has helped you through a tough time, that matters too.

[cnohpytxyz]

HHL 4

prologue | HHL1 | HHL2 | HHL3

synopsis: C deals with her heat while her bond is near by, Ben struggles to feel safe in his new home, Terry misses C.

word count: 5598

genre: werewolves, my own take on A/B/O, female OCs, domestic bullshit

warnings: s*xual themes, pretty graphic bl**d/c*m descriptions, pessimistic thoughts (not extreme), mentions of gay s*x in a poor light, weird ass simping from multiple characters

notes: while editing this ff I was trying to think of a way to pass the bechdel test. imagine my surprise (/s) when I reread and find I passed it in the first chapter .-. guess it's not as hard as some people think it is.

~/*\~

This is torture. C thought as she was tossed into the nth scenario of the week. 

Someone—probably Beah—thought it would be funny to set her bond up in an apartment near her heat room. He couldn't have been far. C supposed he was in the octagon, maybe a thousand or so yards away. If she had a window, she might have been able to see into his new home.

Thank God she couldn't.

Ben had moved in about a week after their initial meet and, for the past five days, he'd been dreaming up various ways to fuck his brains out...

…and hers, much to her dismay.

After the first day, C was grateful when the sun went down, assuming he’d be going to sleep. And he did. He definitely slept, but apparently his unconscious mind was just as thirsty because the following few hours were a miserable mix of lust and absurdity who in their right mind considered Cats: the Musical fap material that couldn’t quite get her to cum. 

It had been years since she’d had sex—not that it bothered her most days—but that night she found herself clawing at the thick metal door, begging to be released from her prison. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, now that she was a little more clear headed) the room was soundproofed, so no one heard her desperation. 

She had never cried from an orgasm before, but, holy hell, C found herself downright sobbing when Beomgyu finally released into his hand at 4AM that first night, her own orgasm flowing in sync. Some time during the following days, she had tried to close the bond only to fail time after time. She didn’t know if it was because of his proximity or because of her own weakness, but there was no stopping the images from flooding her mind. Those nights were miserable. 

Tonight didn’t seem like it would be much better, but, luckily for her, Terry and Kai had taken Beomgyu to explore the compound for the day. The few hours she got alone helped her calm down a bit. She tentatively tried to close the bond.

No dice.

C felt desperate tears prick her lash line as she realized there'd be at least three more days of various sexual scenarios she couldn’t control if she got turned on by Sonic and Mario one more time she might lose her damn mind. 

Usually her knotting dildo (specially made to take care of Lupina heats) would do the job just fine. It wasn’t enough to satisfy the mating urge, but it kept her skin from burning. 

Now though… 

Sigh…

Now it was useless. Granted, she hadn’t been satisfied during a heat in a long ass time and Beomgyu’s fantasies certainly delivered, but, damn, the time and images it took to get there was the absolute worst. It felt like she was back in Russia and strapped to that table again… deprived of touch with satisfaction just out of reach. 

She shook her head. It was useless to focus on those things now, and it wasn’t like it was completely awful. 

Just a little awful. A smidgen of… awful.

A moan cut through her thoughts and C belatedly realized she was on the verge of another orgasm. Even when she tried to focus on other topics, Beomgyu had her body in a chokehold. But if his fantasies were any suggestion, she wasn’t the only one.

No pun intended, she vaguely thought, as the image of her hand around his throat consumed her thoughts. She could almost feel his pulse under her palm when she leaned down to whisper in his ear, “You like that, pup? ” C groaned, gritty with lust and a good helping of cringe (she’d find time to gag at those words later), suddenly very thankful for her upcoming “business trip”. 

She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to look him in the eye without either combusting or punching him in the face and, ironically, the gunpowder excursion would give her time to cool off. 

Seconds later C felt a familiar tensing shoot through her spine, signaling her release. And then…

And then?

…

There was supposed to be more. 

There was usually more. 

C directed her attention inwards again, brows furrowed in concern, only to be met with darkness. Was he that tired? More silence followed and she groaned in relief. 

She closed her eyes and took a breath before sitting up on the now ridiculously wet mattress. Her mattress protector had mostly abandoned its post and now laid on the floor, only a single corner desperately clinging on. She had done away with any sheets on the second day, a decision she was now unsure of seeing how much blood and cum came out of her. Then again, a thin sheet wouldn't have made much of a difference. Not to mention the dried red clumps already made her skin crawl, a whole sheet of crunch might make her pass out.

A finger slid up her thigh on impulse, catching a trail of cum and blood before it joined the rest of the abominable puddle, and her face twisted in a grimace. C fought the urge to fling her whole self into the trash can, reasoning that it wouldn’t be any cleaner.

Disgusting. She sat on the edge of the bed for a moment before a yawn prompted her to stand. For the past five days Beomgyu had tormented her to the point of exhaustion and she’d only gotten some sleep while he was out that morning. She supposed more fantasies would follow later, but for now she felt normal—dehydrated as hell and more tired than she’d ever been since the change, but normal nonetheless. C glanced back at the bed, debating the pros and cons of sleeping in a puddle of her own fluids again.

Turning away with a sigh, she let her disgust win. A shower was certainly in order, but she should probably take care of the mess first. After kicking the blankets to a corner—a cleaner would take care of them once she left—she grabbed her water bottle with one hand, flipping the mattress over with the other. 

C sighed at the hassle of replacing the bloody, cum-soaked monstrosity, but there was no helping it. Usually two mattress protectors would do, the blood being her only concern during previous heats, but in the wake of her thrashing, they were utterly useless. Flipping the bed would do for now and maybe later she could find a way to attach a protector to the mattress.

Snaps maybe? Whatever. She could pour over the specifics later. Right now, there was a hot shower calling her name. 

~/*\~

When Ben opened his eyes in the morning he had expected to be hard already. His morning wood had gotten significantly worse during the time he’d spent at the HHL—something he blamed on that stupid Alpha—and his midnight fantasies were relentless. But today, it seemed he was off the hook. 

For the first time in a while he just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. There was definitely something wrong with him. He’d always been on the hornier side of things, but every day? 

It was starting to wear on him and a lingering disgust tickled the back of his mind every time he came down from his high. But that only served to make him angrier. Why should he be the one to feel disgusted? They made him like this. Why was he the only one who felt how wrong it was? 

And that damned Lupus. She just had to save him like a knight in shining fucking armor. And then she had the audacity to smile at him like that. He would sue. 

If that was even an option. He doubted it, but surely he should get some remuneration for how often thoughts of her consumed his mind and his dick. It was straight up unfair of her to monopolize his head like that, especially since he’d only seen her twice. 

Ben groaned and tossed his left arm over his face. He was such a fucking simp. A simp for a girl who didn’t even seem interested. 

…

Ok, maybe that was a lie, he thought while her last expression flew through his mind. For a moment she looked like Sasha. He couldn’t help but overlap their images, but in the next instant C looked at him like she’d wronged him some how. He almost felt guilty. 

But then he caught himself. 

Why should he feel guilty for his thoughts? It’s not like she could read his mind. And even if she could, that didn’t mean he was in the wrong. 

…

Damnit, so fucking guilty and for what?

Ben groaned again and decided to let it go. She wasn't even around for him to vent his frustration on, so any more thoughts would just be letting her win. And he refused to let her win. The bitch would be so smug if she knew what he was thinking.

He could see it now—the cocky smirk, the raised eyebrow, if he was lucky, maybe some tongue…

Fuck . The now moderately turned on human sniffed delicately. He really needed to get a grip on his thoughts. All this thinking was draining and he had shit to do. 

Not that it was important shit, but it was shit that would keep his hand away from his dick and his mind off that damned Alpha.

Kai and Taehyun (Terry now, Ben corrected himself) would be dropping by soon to help him shower and get away from the musty apartment-esque residence. Yesterday had been great. He missed his friends immensely, their unknown fates often being his biggest source of comfort while he was pressed under some “patron” in the early morning hours. 

Now that he knew half of them had better fates than him, he was both relieved and slightly jealous. Why did they get years of safety, when all he got was unresolvable trauma?

Ben clicked his tongue. There it was, that ridiculous sense of guilt creeping in again. 

It wasn’t like he wanted them to go through what he did, but it felt so unfair. If only he hadn’t hidden when C searched the street back then. If only he had grabbed her attention at the start, then he wouldn’t have all these complicated emotions. He wouldn’t be so broken. He wouldn’t feel so ashamed to be in his friends' presence. He wouldn’t feel so disgusted with himself.  

Even if he had reacted just slightly slower maybe… maybe he could have ended up like Kai rather than like Ben. 

But he was Ben. 

…

Now he was Ben...

And there was nothing he could do to change the past. Fuck it.  

Maybe he couldn’t change the past, but surely he could change the future… right?

Hang on. Ben’s eyes widened in shock. That was almost a positive thought. A strange sense of pride rushed through him and he couldn’t help but smile. It must be the air here. He took a deep sniff only to be attacked by a sneeze, the sharp motion jerking his body and making him squeak in pain. 

Ben laid on the bed for a few minutes, furrowed brows and stilted breaths taking over his mind. Whoever said emotional pain was worse than physical, should be shot, Ha! He snorted at the double meaning only to follow it up with a sharp gasp of pain. He bit his lip and fought the urge to laugh or snort or breathe or slam his fist into his own face to see if that was less painful.

What time was it? A glance at the clock told him it had only been a few minutes since he woke up. Great. Depressing thoughts at the speed of light. Just what he needed. More time to overthink. The human mind was truly incredible.

Whatever, Kai and Tae–Terry would be showing up soon. Maybe he should try and get up. The nurse told him it would take a few weeks to a few months to recover—and not to move without help—but he was tired of waiting on people to come to him. He could at least sit up. 

Moving his good arm into position, he attempted to push himself upright. Attempted being the key word. It wasn’t entirely the fault of his wounds, he was just too weak to support himself and the pain took out the rest of his strength. The Quickshot Alliance didn’t let him do much while he was there, letting him wither away as they pleased. It wasn’t like he needed physical strength to get pounded in the ass anyway. 

Now that he was here though, he supposed they would let him work out, or at least walk around freely. The management here didn’t seem inclined to use his body for their own gain. No, they seemed more likely to let C take what she wanted. It’s not like anyone else in the New World had the power to stop her. 

Maybe a few powers overseas could do it, but in the Americas, the HHL reigned supreme. 

Ben wondered how they came into power so quickly. He distinctly remembered his first encounter with them being only weeks after the outbreak aired on tv. He was no expert, but that seemed like a remarkably fast time to set up a whole society and secure it enough that they could go scouting for people without worrying about raiders/werewolves. 

He could definitely be wrong… but… did they have something to do with the apocalypse? Did they cause it? Did they send the world spiraling just so they could play hero? Was he even safe here?

Here.

Damn.

He was really here. Like actually, physically here. He pushed aside his fears and let a tear trickle down his cheek. He could finally confirm his friends’ lives, but his thoughts wouldn’t let him rest. The alliance wouldn’t come for him, would they? Would the HHL give him up if Nocturne threatened them? 

He scoffed at the intrusive thought. Nocturne wouldn’t even try to threaten the HHL. He was too much of a coward and Ben wasn’t worth that much anyway. Then again, he was their “prized bitch”. Maybe they wouldn’t outright threaten, but they might infiltrate the HHL to steal him back. 

Ben shook his head, trying to clear his head. Alright, all he needed to do was get buff fast. Yeah. He nodded with an absurd amount of conviction. That was a solid plan. 

…

Or it would have been a solid plan, if he hadn’t been fucking shot, he reminded himself. Maybe he should convince Kai or C to bite him. He doubted they would be convinced, but if he used his body, he might get an edge on C.

He stopped himself. That was a very dangerous line of thinking. Fantasies were fine, but the actual act might make him throw up. But if it keeps me safe. He tried to brush the little devil off his shoulder, but the damned thing chose his good one and shrugging didn't do much to dislodge the bastard. 

He sighed, eyes screwing shut to block his thoughts from taking over. It was gonna take awhile to get rid of that thing. He refused to accept it was his own mind. He wouldn’t betray himself like that.  

“Knock knock.” The door slammed open before Ben could respond, nearly startling him into a ball. A reflex that didn’t go unnoticed by the men that walked through. 

Kai pounced on the bed laughing at the older man’s clear overreaction, “Did we scare you, 형?” Ben felt himself slip into another headspace as he laughed back, the floating feeling offering a mix of comfort and anxiety. Whatever response he managed to force out didn’t raise any flags with Kai, but Terry was different. 

Terry was suspicious. Ben could tell by the intent stare, but why was he suspicious? Or should the question start with what? His pondering threatened to pull him down from his high and for a brief moment he struggled against it. 

Until he realized there was no reason to fight. He was safe. The boys might have startled him, but they weren’t going to hurt him at all. His conversation with Kai got more stilted as he eased himself down, but the naïve Lupus still didn’t notice anything. Terry, on the other hand, was only growing more concerned. 

At least Ben hoped it was concern. The look he was getting could have been a death glare for all he knew. Out of his two old friends, Terry had changed the most. He was missing a leg and the scar tearing from the corner of his mouth to his upper cheek gave him a predatory vibe. If Ben didn’t know any better, he’d have thought that Terry was the Lupus. 

“Hey Kai, could you go grab the wheelchair?” Ben almost sagged in relief when Terry looked away. “I’ll get Ben into the shower.” 

The tall as fuck Lupus pouted, but didn’t hesitate to obey, and Ben was struck with the anxiety of being left alone with Terry. A truly terrifying thought. 

It wasn’t just the younger’s scars that intimidated him. It was also everything else. The height—Terry was probably taller than him now—and the absolutely ripped physique were just cherries on top. Seriously though, Ben didn’t doubt that Terry could lift him with one arm.

A thought that was proven true mere seconds later when said human slipped an arm under his torso and brought him to the edge of the bed in one smooth motion. His anxious thoughts were put to rest at the gentleness of the much larger man’s actions. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” The anxiety came rushing back. Ben looked at Terry, the younger man now squatting in front of him. He struggled to school his expression, refusing to let himself slip back into his other headspace. It was a lot harder to control his face when he was so present with it. 

“Talk about what?” He said it with a laugh, but the reply was too late and the laugh was too hollow for it to seem natural.  

Terry watched him with the same eyes as earlier, this time he could tell it was concern. Ben chewed his lip and looked away, the familiar guilt slipping back down his throat to pool in his stomach. 

A sigh brought his attention back and his gaze followed Terry as he stood up. “You don’t have to tell me what you went through, but you should tell someone. If you need a counselor, just let me know. I’ll arrange one for you.” 

“You have counselors here?” Ben’s mouth gaped in disbelief. It was almost unreal how much the HHL could offer their residents. And to think that just anyone could walk up and ask for refuge. It made him wonder why people didn’t flock here by the hundreds. 

Terry smiled and Ben was hit with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. “We have just about everything here. Beah and C made this place into a haven.” He sat next to Ben, staring ahead as he continued. “There’s a few missing perks here and there, but they’ve really tried to gather everything one could possibly need.” 

He seemed very proud of his home. Ben didn’t have to wonder why. 

And there it is. The taste of vinegar sat heavy on his tongue, and he couldn’t hold back a quick jab. “If it’s so perfect, why aren’t there more people here?” 

Terry glanced at him from the corner of his eye, but Ben refused to look his way. “We went under a lock down of sorts about a month ago.” He hurried to complete his thought before the elder male could interrupt. “We usually lock down around the time of the Lunar New Year, since the Lupi get pretty restless around now, but it’s looking like it’ll be a longer lock down.” The scarred man sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “The HHL has a lot of resources and therefore a lot of enemies. It hasn’t really mattered before, but now there’s rumors of a larger anti-HHL alliance gathering, so Beah is deciding to keep the gates closed for now.” 

Ben nodded in understanding, but then a thought hit him. “Wait, then how did I get in? Was it just because I’m injured? Will you be throwing me back out once I’m better?” He couldn’t keep his thoughts from spiraling, but Terry’s laughter cut through the fog like a knife through butter. 

“We’re not going to throw you out again.” He made it sound ridiculous. What was the point of a lock down then, if they were just going to let in whoever anyway? “We don’t let in just whoever, dumbass.” The words were followed by a huff and Terry leaned back on the bed. “C brought you back and C can do whatever the hell she likes around here.” Ben sensed a hint of something darker from his friend. 

“What’s your relationship with C?” He swore he didn’t mean to come off as a pissed off boyfriend, but it just happened. It was that damned Alpha’s fault—always up in his head like she owned the place. It was straight up unfair. Why couldn’t he have the same power over her? 

…

Did he have the same power over her? Should he… ask?

No, that would be stupid. Even if he asked, he doubted she’d tell him honestly.  

“I’m sort of the honorary Beta.” Terry’s reply cut through his thoughts at just the right time. But honorary?" C is the Alpha, which is both a title and a… I guess you could call it a personality trait. But since I'm not Lupi, Beta's only an honorary title. She’s been trying to turn me for around a year now, but there’s too many drawbacks to it."

Wow. Where to start? 

“I’m back!” A loud thud followed the equally loud voice and Ben’s door swung open with a slam, revealing his youngest friend pushing a standard wheelchair. Whatever thought process he was working through got cut short by Kai’s second dramatic entrance of the day—he imagined there would be at least two more.

“Alright.” Terry slapped his knees and stood up, the acquired action almost enough to make Ben laugh. He didn't though. There were too many questions floating about his head. 

"Why does C need a Beta? Why are you Beta? Why don't you want to be Lupi? Why isn't Kai Beta? Why did she choose you?"  He didn't mean for that last one to come out, but it ended up slipping. Was that jealousy?

Kai and Terry stared down at him from their intimidating heights, seemingly confused, and Ben wondered which question did it. 

It was probably the last one. Did they sense his jealousy? He debated throwing a "nevermind" at the tail end, but too many seconds had passed for it to seem natural. 

Then again did "nevermind" ever seem natural when it followed a string of questions?

"Let's get you showered first." Terry ended up being the one to speak. "I'll be joining you in the greenhouse for a bit today. There's plenty of time to talk then." 

Ben debated demanding immediate answers, but decided against it. He needed that shower and it was doubtful there'd be an end to his questions. 

And so he nodded and let the other human princess carry him to the shower stool.

~/*\~

As soon as they entered the apartment, Terry knew something was up. The flinching, the glazed eyes, the slightly off breathing, all of it pointed to some serious mental issues. Terry had his finger on PTSD, but he was no psychiatrist. 

Ben hadn't talked much about the past five years, but, with the way he reacted to his given name and the various other signs of trauma, it couldn't have been a good time.

Terry wasn't sure if he wanted to know or not, but he offered his ear anyway. It was honestly a surprise when he'd found out Ben was C 's bond, but that wasn’t the only reason he’d be taking care of the older male. His malnourished friend brought back both the best and the worst kind of nostalgia, and he wasn’t about to let the last time they saw each other become his last memory. 

It wasn't going to be easy though. With the Alpha locked up in her heat room during the Lunar New Year, the HHL Lupi were quickly spiraling out of his control and required near 24/7 supervision. Kai was able to help on occasion, but he was nearly just as useless as Terry. 

The pure rage he had to weather when he told them the Lunar New Year ceremony would be postponed had him shaking in his boot. Not to mention he had no one to celebrate his birthday with. That one probably sucked the most.

Though he told Ben that there were more drawbacks than positives to becoming Lupi, he was nearing the end of his rope. C had to find a Beta quickly, but there wasn't anyone she could trust enough with the role besides himself and so, they found themselves caught in a vicious cycle.

Terry didn't realize how bad things had gotten until he found himself lacking an Alpha, but now that he thought back on it, C hadn't left the compound for more than a day in recent months—starting around the time of the Lupi boom. Before then, she spent more than 2/3rds of the year away from the HHL. 

It was only when she spent an entire month without any distant excursions that Terry thought something was up, but she waved away his concerns, saying it was just the natural progression of things. He had taken it to mean that the HHL no longer needed her to track down new talents—that they had enough professionals in the mix. But that wasn't the case at all. 

There were too many Lupi now. 

Going away for more than a day or two would leave them volatile and prone to attacking the humans. Luckily the Lupi could still sense her presence on the compound or Terry wouldn’t know what he would have done. It made sense why she was getting so pushy about turning him. He almost felt guilty for rejecting her so often. 

Almost. It still wasn't worth it and he wasn't going to be guilted into becoming Lupi. C didn't—wouldn't—want him to change just because he felt bad for her. If she did, she would have told him how much she was struggling. 

Speaking of which, he wasn't too happy she left him in the dark. He understood her motivations, but at the same time the secret left a bad taste in his mouth. They usually told each other everything, but what else was she hiding from him?

Was this how she felt every time he turned her down? Like he was building a wall or drawing a line in the sand. He could almost hear her say it. I'm not like you. It didn't usually bother him this much. 

He wasn't like her. That was the point. But he was her rock, wasn't he? Maybe not, now that he thought about it.

Damn, what a time for depressing thoughts—naked with his buddies in the shower.

Terry bit the tip of his tongue, trying to focus on getting Ben clean without hurting him. It really, really wasn't the time to think about C. 

And definitely not the time to release her from her heat room to ask for a hug. Not unless he wanted to get bitten, and he was still certain about staying human. 

He still really wanted that hug though. What day was it? He vaguely remembered throwing a tantrum almost two weeks ago and then getting dragged out of his bedroom by Kai a few days later. If she went in on the day he isolated himself, then he had three more days till he could get that hug. 

A gasp from Ben drew him out of his thoughts, and Terry realized he had the older boy's arm at a weird angle. "Sorry." Gently lowering it, he placed the soap back on the shelf and pulled the shower head down to rinse his seated friend off.

"Whachu thinkin' about?" Ben looked up at the younger boy in pure curiosity—a look Terry was very familiar with. The accent, however, was definitely something he had to get used to. He didn't remember such a drastic change when he reunited with Kai, but it seemed Ben picked up a significantly Californian tone. It was pretty similar to C’s American accent now that he thought about it, though her Russian origins occasionally slipped through the cracks.

"He's probably thinking about C and how he wants to huug and kiiis-" Kai was gagged with a soapy loofa to the mouth as Ben looked on, eyes widened in disbelief. 

"What was that about?" Morbid curiosity flickered dangerously in the eldest boy's eyes and Terry knew he'd be in for it if he didn't share. 

But he didn't want to share. How was he supposed to explain their relationship to her bond? It felt vaguely wrong, like they were cheating on him. They weren't, but trying to explain his Lupi behavior to a human when he wasn't Lupi…

Maybe he should take C up on her offer. Then again, if he was like this now, he'd be especially clingy once he was turned. She wasn't even his bond. 

Yeah, no. He'd add that to the list of "reasons to stay human". No need to wedge himself in between such a happy couple. He snorted in his thoughts, but declined to share his musings with the other two boys. Unfortunately, Ben’s curiosity wouldn’t let him rest. With a sigh, he decided to keep it simple, “C is my… person…? I guess that makes the most sense.” Describing her in one word felt almost sacrilegious, but calling her his everything might get a bit too weird especially following Kai’s mildly sexual comment. 

Ben’s eyes narrowed and sparked with something Terry found unfamiliar, but whatever it was, it nearly made his heart skip a beat. He never knew a wounded, malnourished human could be so intimidating, especially with his own nearly Lupus physique. He decided to expound before Ben tried to jump him. “She pulled me out of a pretty deep hole. I owe her a lot.” Kai began gurgling water and Terry sent a mildly annoyed look in his direction. “But I do not want to kiss her. That’s like kissing my sister.” 

To his relief the dark look in the eldest’s eyes faded and one of understanding took its place. He made a mental note to avoid touching C while her bond was around. It didn't feel like things would go well for him if Ben found them interacting as they usually did. 

"But why do you care so much?" Kai asked, finally recovering from the earlier attack. "C is fairly intimate with all the Lupi anyway. That's just how we are." 

“I thought Tae- Terry was human?” Ben’s questioning didn’t seem like it would let up any time soon, so Terry sat on the edge of the tub with a sigh. 

“When I first got here, I had some issues–” Kai’s snort was ignored with an eyeroll, “and C was the only one who would put up with me. A year or so went by and suddenly I was too human to be Lupi, but too Lupi to be human.” Terry shrugged. “At this point, I might as well make the switch, but it's just not worth it.” His eyes dulled, gaze falling out of focus, “If I change now, it feels like I'll lose what humanity I have left." Kai tensed and bit his lower lip, but the action was missed by Terry. 

The three boys fell into a contemplative silence as they toweled off and got dressed and Terry was left with his all too consuming thoughts. 

He didn't know if he had any humanity left. He couldn't even recall all the lives he took during the first few years of the apocalypse and, even though C never blamed him or mentioned it, he still felt like it would take centuries more to pay back his blood debt. Yet another point in C 's favor. Why was he still holding on to something so obviously useless? Why was this the hill he chose to die on? 

“You coming?” Kai’s voice drifted over and Terry looked up to meet his friends’ inquisitive stares. While he was lost in his mind, Kai had arranged Ben into the wheelchair, probably with all the elegance known to his kind. 

Terry sucked his front teeth for a second.

Damn, where’d that come from? Jealousy was never his thing before. Or maybe his emotions were just hard to regulate without C around? Should he just–? “Yeah I’m coming.” He looked down just to make sure he was dressed and dry. Luck was on his side today. 

He shook his head and followed his friends out the door. Being so dependent on one person was how he got into this mess. It’s getting mighty tempting though. As Terry followed his friends out the door towards, he briefly imagined the consequences of his actions and for the first time in five years, he didn’t dread it.

previous part next part

[omnium-gatherums]

I've been increasingly suicidal and pessimistic and miserable and I can't deal with it anymore. Someone please tell me why it's worth staying alive in a world, in a country, that exists to kill me. To keep me as miserable as possible. Without telling me annoying ass positive bullshit like "your friends :)" or "how pretty flowers are" I want some fucking hope. I want to know the world is changing for the better and maybe one day I truly will be able to find a doctor and I'll figure out what's wrong with my health and I'll figure out treatment and I'll get better.. Nobody can tell me that these will happen, I know, maybe this is nothing more than a vent. I cannot stand another second of being alive in this world. I cannot stand another second of living in a country that exists purely to kill people like me, purely to make sure nobody gets help, purely to make sure everybody is a miserable sack of shit that can never get help or change because the country still exists to prevent that.

[sunhowler]

i only watched it once and im not doing it again so i may be misremembering some things here or there but... man. youd think that a show with the aesthetic it has would be exciting or new in any way but its unavoidably bland. the characters and the plot arent that engaging, yes, but i think my biggest gripe is that its one of those narratives that thinks being self aware and pessimistic is quirky and enjoyable. and like... i guess it is, given how widespread this damn pilot is, but for me its very grating. the whole "straight man character gets inexplicably sucked into a new universe where everything is silly and they dont know how to handle it" CAN be good!!! i think a lot about how what weve seen from this show compares to centaurworld (yes yes i know indie team vs netflix show i understand) which has a very similar concept. the exhausted female lead gets ripped from her world into a new, far more colorful one, with wacky characters that they initially have trouble getting along with, as they fight to get back to their own world. the biggest difference here, though, is that the centaurs are fun when we meet them!! they have a love for the place they live in!! and of course they have problems with it, of course its flawed, but thats something that gets expanded upon later on after the audience and the main character are already firmly invested in those characters. but when clown girl (my brain keeps calling her pawmi. thats a pokemon) gets to the circus, everyones fucking miserable. everyone hates it there, they all wanna leave too, and the whole time you have gods most wretched twink following along and making "ermmm... well that just happened" tier jokes. i cannot get invested in these characters, i cant get invested in the world, youve given me no reason to be invested. youve shown me that both the lead and the people inside the digital circus are miserable assholes (with like 1 or 2 exceptions) and that the setting is a temporary difficulty that has to be escaped from. but like, in just the first episode of centaurworld, the setting is already alive and vibrant and fascinating, and more importantly i think: horse's quest of finding the shamans is established. the shaman quest implies a long journey with concrete steps and exploration of both the setting and the characters. but tadc... does not have anything of the sort. it just plops the lead down into this lifeless place, has her go on a fetchquest that ultimately doesnt matter at all, has a character weve had no time to get acquainted with or attached to nearly die for some reason, briefly come across some sliver of random hope before getting it equally as randomly taken away, and thats it. its an exercise in futility, which could be an interesting thing to explore if this were a different genre. but it seemingly wants to be some kind of situational comedy or something, so the nihilism of it all is just very grating and trite. it feels like, for all its vibrant colors and character designs and wacky backgrounds, it should revel in its own whimsy, but it just doesnt. it feels like at every turn, the inherent silly nature of the digital circus is made fun of in a very marvel movie ass self referential way. the most prominent characters, save for the tooth guy maybe, are all unimpressed and jaded with their world. but, to compare it to centaurworld again, horse was the only character to be like that up until some of the last episodes. all of the centaurs took pride in their whimsy, didnt feel the need to be little shits about it, didnt have to joke about it to make themselves seem relatable.. thats how you get characters and audiences invested, not through some lame detached post irony bullshit.

i dunno. its a pilot, i think it has potential, but i will never like it unless it learns to be unabashedly whimsical. because without that sense of wonder and optimism it just feels really hollow and more like a project for the creator to show off their ocs than anything.

also i hate that stupid fucking rabbit i hate the "guy who sucks but the fandom loves him because hes sassy and tortured and (most importantly) skinny" archetype. die rabbit die

the problem with the amazing digital circus is that its not very good

[lick-me-lennon22]

How they calm you down when you're very stressed/having a breakdown 💜

thanks so much to @betchq who requested this one! hope you enjoy :) 💕

(these ended up wayyy too long.. whoops :P)

Paul:

it's all too much- you can't take it anymore

one minute you're sitting on the bed venting to Paul about work and family troubles- frustrated, but not devastated- and suddenly you've spiraled again

you're practically hyperventilating, gripping the duvet so hard your knuckles turn white, sobbing about how unfair the world is and how you'll never truly be happy

"Woah, woah, what's this all about darling?" he interjects tenderly, a gentle finger lifting your chin up to look at him, briefly breaking you from the hope-devouring clutches of your panicked mind

"It's -*hic*- just too m-much to handle Paul, I -*hic*- c-cant do it anymore," you manage to squeak out between sobs, your voice wavering and your lip quivering

Paul gazes into your tear-filled eyes, scanning them with his own in an attempt to gain understanding, a deeply concerned expression on his face

he places a firm, loving hand on each of your shoulders, eyes still locked on yours

"Listen to me, my love- nothing, and I mean nothing, is so wrong or bad that you can't take it on, or that this world would be better off without you. I know things are difficult for ye right now and it's completely understandable that you're overwhelmed- but you will get through this. And I will stay glued to your side every step of the way"

you inhale shakily, the cascade of tears that once flowed down your cheeks slowing to a halt as Paul continues his pep talk:

"Regardless of how daunting and scary it seems and no matter what it takes, you are going to be okay- more than okay, you are going to get through this and emerge from it even better off and happier than ever before. Ye hear me?" he says sincerely- his gaze stern, piercing, and comforting all at the same time

you nod slowly, eyes glimmering with residual tears, and sniffle once more

"You are the strongest, most capable, and most resilient person I know. I don't ever want you to feel that the days are becoming too heavy for you to handle. And if you do you know you can always, always come to me, no matter how insignificant you think your struggles are- they're not. I don't care if I'm 'busy,' nothing ever takes priority over you and your wellbeing, Y/N. I mean that."

you smile up at him with appreciation as he wipes your cheeks with his thumbs

"T-Thank you, Paul. It all just gets so overwhelming.. I don't know what I'd do without you"

"It's no trouble at all love, that's me job"- he gives you a small smile and pulls you in for a long, gentle hug

"I adore you Y/N, you are my whole world. Promise you'll come to me if you ever feel this way again?"

you nuzzle into Paul's chest: "I promise"

"That's my (girl/boy/love). I love you more than anything in this world- don't you ever forget that" ♡

John:

you don't even hear the front door open and shut, the sound drowned out by your sobs combined with the melancholy tunes coming from the record player on your dresser

"Y/N, I'm home!" John calls out, kicking off his shoes and coming to find you

he searches for you on the couch, at the dining room table, and then in the kitchen- but you're nowhere to be found

That's strange, he thinks, Y/N's almost always sat on the couch waiting for me when I come home...

"Where's my sweet birdie?~" he tries, striding briskly down the hallway to your shared bedroom, still in pursuit of his partner

John raps his knuckles against the wooden door and waits a few moments for a response

when he doesn't get one he turns the doorknob and pushes his way in, panic flooding his mind and senses

nothing could have prepared John for what he sees- the love of his life curled up fetal-style in bed, clutching the blanket for dear life, cheeks glistening with tears and features screwed up into an agonized expression

he rushes to your side immediately, placing a firm hand on your shoulder and shaking you softly to alert you of his presence

he spooks you and you startle, eyes snapping open in shock

"Are you alright, love? What happened- did somebody hurt you?? If someone upset ye I swear I'll make 'em rue the day they were born-" he seethes, interrupted only by you sitting up against the pillows and taking his hand in yours:

"J-John, calm down, I'm fine.."

"Did.. did I do something? Was it me? Tell me what I did wrong Y/N, whatever it is I'll fix it I promi-"

"No John, you've done everything right," you sigh

"It's j-just.." you trail off, unable to meet his gaze

he waits for a moment before encouraging you with a "Go on darling, you can tell me anything"

you take a deep, shaky breath before continuing- "Everything is so overwhelming and heavy.. just living feels like too much some days. I don't know what to do John, I'm downright miserable!!" you exclaim, your eyes once again welling up with tears

"..Oh sweetheart, come here" he opens his strong arms, pulling you in for an emotionally charged hug

John isn't the greatest at discussing feelings, so he offers comforting words instead

"Shh, everything's alright... I'm here, Johnny's got ye" he soothes, stroking your hair as you quiver in his arms, your body wracked with sobs

"I-It's just one of those days where I don't know how I'll ever b-be -*hic*- happy" you croak out, clutching his body close to yours

John draws in a deep breath before responding: "I understand how you feel- I've had plenty of those days meself," he confides in you

"But we can't let them stop us from living. Sometimes your perspective gets all screwed up and ye can't see through the bullshit your mind hurls at you,

"But one bad day is still just twenty-four hours, ye know? It helps me to think about that- that this too shall pass," he reassures you candidly, rubbing gentle circles into your back

"I know it seems impossible right now, but you'll- we'll," he corrects, "get everything sorted- including that pretty little 'ead of yours- and you'll feel like yourself again sooner than you know. Got that?" he asks

you simply nod, beginning to calm down but unable to speak just yet, and nuzzle further into John

he squeezes you tightly: "Y/N- ye know I know what it feels like to be stressed and depressed, and I just.." you hear John start to choke up and feel him tremble as he begins to cry, himself

"-ah don't ever want ye to feel hopeless like I 'ave, you know I'd take it all away in an instant if I could" he says, trying and failing to mask the wavering of his voice

"Even if it meant I'd have to take it all on meself instead, I can handle it- I'd do anything for you Y/N, I've never loved anyone or anything like I do you and it hurts me to see you in such pain"

John's voice breaks at the end of his monologue and you hear him sniffle

with that, you finally speak up: "Oh John, I'll be okay- I promise. Thank you for changing my perspective, it's just so difficult to pull yourself out of despair sometimes.. some days are just so.. heavy" you say, pulling back and looking up at him; "I didn't mean to make you cry too"

you dry your face with your sleeve and John takes your hands in his

"Y/N you know I understand completely, and I want ye to come right to me when the days get too overwhelming- I'll be sure to set your perspective straight. Don't you ever worry about making me upset or anythin' of the like, okay love?"

you nod- "And besides, I ain't crying" John says somewhat defensively and shifts his gaze away from you, still clutching your hands in his larger ones

you chuckle softly and roll your eyes at him- "Whatever you say Johnny.. you can't fool me, I know you're a softie" you tease, booping him gently on the nose

he pulls one hand back from yours, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly- "Yeah, yeah, that's enough" John says, expression hardening as he tries to disguise the grin making its way across his face

you place a hand on his cheek and turn his face to look at you

"Thank you, John. I feel so much lighter now"

"Ahh, don't mention it darling. Anytime at all- you mean the world to me. I love you, Y/N."

"I love you too, John." ♡

George:

to your boyfriend George, it's a day like any other

he walks down the hallway to your shared bedroom, fizzy drink in hand, intent on watching some cartoons in bed with you

he knocks and upon hearing your, "Come in!" enters the room with an "'Ello, gorgeous!"

"Room for one more? I was thinking we could have a cartoon marathon this evening- what do ye think?" he proposes, approaching you and taking a sip of his drink

you hesitate a moment before answering: "Yeah, that's fine Geo" you say flatly, punctuated with a quiet sniffle

"...Are you feeling alright, dear? What's got you down?"

George sets his glass on the nightstand and sits beside you in bed

"Nothing's the matter babe, I'm okay" you mutter unconvincingly, avoiding eye contact

George studies your face, just now noticing the red and puffy appearance of your eyes

"Have you been crying..?" he asks gingerly and places a gentle hand on your cheek

you finally turn to look at him, sighing: "...yes but before you freak out, it's really nothing- just one of those days, you know?" you offer George a weak smile, downplaying your stress

"Y/N." he begins sternly, "I can tell when something's wrong. Do you want to tell me about it, doll?"

"I would, but there really isn't much to talk about... it's just life, I guess. Nothing specific" you shrug

"It's not 'just' anything- if it matters to you, it matters just as much to me," George reassures you sweetly

"Thank you Geo, but I don't know what to tell you. I just feel...tense and pessimistic, you know?"

George nods in understanding: "Really just that sort of day then, eh? That's the worst- ye can't target anything to fix it," he sympathizes and you nod in agreement

"Tell you what- I don't care if it takes all night, I'm gonna do whatever it is I can to make you feel comfortable and calm, all right? Starting with getting some food in ya- I know that always makes me feel better" he grins

you offer him a half-hearted smile, as much as you can muster in your state

"Of course it does, George" you chuckle, "that sounds lovely"

George disappears down the hall and returns just moments later kicking the door open, arms full of snacks and sweets (including jelly babies)

your face lights up at the sight of him

he unloads everything, opening his arms and dumping it all on the bed for you to choose whichever item you please

"Thank you, Geo" you giggle and grab one of the bags of crisps, opening it and promptly reaching in for a handful to munch on

"Anything else I can get you, darling? Anything at all?"

"Hmm.. no, I don't think so-" you start, but George cuts you off before you can finish your sentence

"Oh I know! You need a nice, warm cuppa- that'll be sure to soothe you. Be right back, love" he says and with that, he's out the door once more

you wait patiently in bed for a few minutes and graze on the treats George had brought you until he reappears, a ceramic mug in one hand and a box of tissues in the other

"Here you are dear," he says, handing the mug to you and placing the tissues on your nightstand- "I thought you might need these"

"You really didn't have to do all this, my love- thank you. It really warms my heart" you tell him earnestly, "I already feel so much better"

George beams at you: "Of course gorgeous, it's no trouble at all. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Hmm..." you contemplate his question for a moment before responding- "Just one more thing, I think"

"What is it, Y/N? Anything at all, just say the word"

"Get over here and cuddle me!"- you lift the blanket and invite him to lay with you

"I thought you'd never ask" George says cheekily and hops into bed, pulling you close to his chest to spoon you

(and reaching over you to grab an overflowing handful of crisps, shoveling them into his mouth)

you can't help but laugh and snuggle into George, your worries forgotten

"Thank you, Geo. You're the best"

"What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't look after my (girl/boy/love)? And besides, it's no inconvenience at all- don't you worry. I love you, Y/N"

"And I love you, George" ♡

Ringo:

Ringo has always made you feel safe, heard, and loved, and he's assured you that you can confide in him whenever you need to

he's made it a point to tell you to come to him whenever you need him, and that he'll drop everything to help you in any way he can

on one particular evening, nothing seems to be going right for you

you're beyond stressed and overwhelmed, and you can't help but break down from the pressure and weight of the world

at first when you step out into the living room, face red and tear-streaked, Ringo is oblivious

he carries on watching the television, gaze locked onto the technicolor screen

"Ritchie..?" you say meekly; "What is it, my love?" he calls out, eyes still fixed on the telly

upon seeing how invested he is in the program, you suddenly feel like a burden despite what he's told you numerous times before about coming to him when you're upset

"Umm.. nevermind" you squeak out, about to turn and drag yourself back to the bedroom when Ringo finally whips his head around to face you

his wide eyes take in your pathetic, hunched frame- hair tousled, eyes puffy and blanket pulled tight around you

"Oh my- sweetheart, are you okay? What's wrong?" he scrambles up off of the sofa and rushes over to you, panic evident in his expression

he places his hands on your shoulders and looks you over, eyes searching yours for answers

"Yeah, I'm okay" you sniffle, "but.. remember all those times you told me I should come to you if I'm ever stressed out?"

"Of course I do love, what's got you so stressed?" he inquires delicately, rubbing your shoulders

"Life, existence, everything!" you confess, exhausted

"Oh honey, everything's alright- I promise! Come here" Ringo beckons you closer and smothers you in one of his renowned bear hugs

you begin to sob quietly into his shirt

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me today, I don't want to burden you-"

"Love, don't you ever worry about being overbearing or burdening me- I am always ready and willing to help you, please understand that. Managing your stress is so important and I'm thankful that ye came to me. That's what I'm here for" he reassures you as he holds you close to him

you sniffle and tremble, your tears soaking through his cotton t-shirt

"Shh, everything's going to be fine. It's okay to cry" Ringo soothes

"It's just a bad day. It doesn't mean that everything is falling apart, I promise. I'm right here. We've got this, together- you and I could take on the whole world if we had to!"

you pull back from his embrace and gaze into his eyes; "Really?"

"Of course we could, baby! Now let's get you to bed, how about that?"

you nod and Ringo lifts you up, carrying you bridal style to your shared room and setting you down gently on the bed

he swaddles you in a blanket burrito and proceeds to kiss your tears away, peppering your face with little smooches that make your heart flutter and your mind go blank

"Ritchie!!" you exclaim, giggling

"What? Kisses are the best medicine"- you agree, as long as they're his at least

once he's finished administering your treatment, he asks: "What else can I fetch ye, cutie? Anything?"

"You!"

"Why, of course!" Ringo's grin widens, lighting up his face as he pulls you close to him in bed

you rest your head on his chest and close your eyes, the dull thud of his heartbeat lulling you into a serene state of mind

for the remainder of the night Ringo refuses to leave your side, even when you drift off into peaceful slumber at last

"I love you, Y/N" he mumbles, the last thought occupying his mind before he too dozes off to sleep ♡

[sokkagatekeeper]

what do you mean when you say that zuko is a pessimistic idealist and sokka is a pessimistic realist? i love your analyses and i’d love to hear more of your thoughts on that!!! (also love how you say sokka and zuko are perfect for each other because they’re both grumps lol)

i do not remember saying that however it does sound like something i would say lmao. i think what i (would) mean with the statement “zuko is a pessimistic idealist” is that he grew up... idk if unappreciated is the exact word, but in the militaristic hypermasculine society that valued traits that he did not have in comparison to azula, zuko was always at a disadvantage and he had to run for it, sometimes make rash decisions as they were the better/only decisions he could make at all in order to be appreciated and most times it did not pay off which resulted in the entire mess that is zuko’s personality. for all of this, zuko has a tendency to see the worst part of the situation he’s in (coming to mind atm ‘it blew up in my face — like everything always does!’ ‘this city is a prison’ more or less?), so in other words he’s grumpy and kinda sour as hell, all the time.

but at the same time, zuko has a certain... idea of the world, a kind and caring heart, a strong sense of justice, an overall vision for a world that’s good. when zuko comes to understand the fire nation is actually actively pushing back this vision, and he practically immediately turns away from its ideals and pursues a philosophy and a group that actually fit his ideas of what’s better for the world. zuko spent three years at sea looking for a myth, in hopes that finding it would finally put an end to his suffering, making him and katara the only people in the world who truly believed the avatar was still out there. zuko is always expecting everything to blow up in his face like it often did throughout his childhood, and he sees the worst part of the situation before anything else but he always pushes back to make it better, or to what he believes would be making it better.

my favorite example of this is during the blue spirit after zuko finds out zhao got the avatar before him, and he gives iroh a speech about how all hope is lost for him and he will never ever have love honor or happiness ever again, and about five hours later he’s behind a theatre mask with two swords against the world rescuing the avatar just so he can capture this avatar himself in the future, while also letting him go afterwards because it’s not honorable to take him in the easy manner he could take him at that precise moment(???) and that was just nuts. therefore pessimistic idealist.

on the other hand there’s sokka.

sokka is a pessimist through and through, a serial complainer, a paranoid neurotic strategist. sokka grew up in disadvantage to the rest of the world and overshadowed by a his little sister — not because katara was a bender and sokka was not, but because katara was the last bender they had left. i’ve talked about this before but basically it’s no wonder katara is a solid optimistic idealist with all the hope and faith and determination in the world while sokka is a pessimistic realist and pragmatic depressed cynical bastard. presumably his village but also sokka put himself at disadvantage. it is safe to assume sokka sacrificed his own uhh. hope? naivetè? innocence? for katara to keep hers and in order to protect her better — after all katara is the last southern waterbender, their collective hero, and you can’t have a hero with no hope, you can’t have a dead hero. and also sokka is an eldest sibling, it’s instinctual.

now don’t get me wrong, sokka has a huge heart full of love and devotion and wonder. he is an inventor, an artist, a scientist. sokka is filled with ideas, but he is always waiting for the lowest blow, he is always waiting for a disaster to happen (and with a good reason!). sokka believes optimists are liars, he thinks destiny and fate is more or less bullshit, he has a pragmatic and careful approach to almost every situation he’s presented with and even though he has a clear sense of morality, he is willing to make certain sacrifices as are the demands of war – where zuko is willing to save zhao without hesitation, who tried to kill him multiple times and whom he had been fighting not one minute ago, for example.

sokka wants the world to be a better place, and at the same time he has little trouble turning away from people who aren’t in any immediate danger even if they are suffering because he has more pressing matters at hand (the painted lady), he obviously would want the avatar to come back and save them, but aang being a complete stranger signaling to a fire nation ship is most definitely a valid justification for sokka to banish him (the boy in the iceberg/the avatar returns i don't remember lol). among many many many other situations in which sokka is technically right, even if it doesn’t fit other characters’ idealistic views or it doesn’t make for a good story, sokka is the realist they all need in order to survive.

also i admit ‘perfect for each other’ can be kind of a stretch and i believe that it being because they’re both grumpy is kinda reductive since that can also be the basis of mai and zuko’s relationship and we all know what i think of those two aksjaks (this is NOT mai slander. # mai deserves better 2k21). however i do think sokka and zuko fit together because they have different types of emotional constipation and they actively push each other to be more balanced in order to reach to the other. sokka wants to believe deep down, and the fact that he is in a story even if he doesn’t really believe it plays its cards sometimes which translates into the universe’s obsession with sokka, and zuko is destiny fan #1 so he can give sokka an overemotional speech once in a while that sokka will ruthlessly dismiss and dismantle verbally but that at the same time will warm his heart and help him loosen up on his scheduled cerebral to a default existence on the long-run; zuko needs grounding once in a while which he usually got from iroh or at the very least iroh made an attempt to get through him, and sokka is intellectually crude enough to give zuko a reality check while making himself understood and because of their shared wavelength he can do this without crushing all of zuko’s hopes and dreams in the process.

they are also two eldest siblings one with depression the other filled with rage and they are the only real ‘pessimists’ in the gaang, so while yes, zuko will take action to solve problems he will also complain about it forever more and he can do that with sokka. together they can yell at god, complain about jocks, complain about prescriptivists, bond over their very niche taste in art that nobody ever understands, and absolutely tear apart everything that doesn’t fit their competence standard (it’s a very high fucking standard, those are two grumpy neurodivergent people) among many other grump-activities that seem to make them miserable but that actually serve both of them to validate their annoyed kind of love for the world and it makes both of them really happy :)

[matsbarzal]

Time’s a Ticking || Matthew Tkachuk

Notes: anyways I decided to do matty and I found this long list of soulmate AU prompts so I know what I’m doing tonight yikes. so here’s a lil bit of a nervous/anxious matty even tho he refuses to admit it. hope you enjoy!!! let me know how you like it <3 

Summary: everyone is born with a dwindling time on their wrist. the moment the time reaches zero is when a person meets their other half, the person who makes them whole; their soulmate. 

Word Count: 3k+

10,584. 7 days, 8 hours and 24 minutes. 7 days until he’d meet his other half, the person that’s meant to complete his soul, be his better half, or whatever a soulmate is meant to be. Matthew wasn’t crazy about the idea of soulmates, sure, he was surrounded by people who were madly in love and happy and complete; but he was also surrounded by those people... the one’s whose time stopped, girls and guys who had a permanent marking of time on their wrist that would never move again.

He wouldn’t say he was a pessimistic person, but he had seen so many friends and family fall into a spiral after their soulmate clock stopped ticking, watched as their other half broke them without even meeting them. He wanted to be excited and optimistic but Matthew couldn’t bring himself to feel the same delight that his friends did on his behalf. Anything could happen in this 7 days, 8 hours... and 22 minutes now.

6160 minutes

You could feel the bump of the plane as it touched the ground. This was the one part of flying you hated the most, the anxiety and the bumping as the plane made its way down the runway towards its destination. You knew anything bad was unlikely to happen, but your nerves were on edge. All you could think about was the time on your wrist, the time that kept on ticking. It hadn’t stopped in your entire 21 years of life, and from the looks of it, you were approximately four days away from that happening.

Sighing, you listened to the claps from around you as everyone congratulated the pilots for landing the plane safely. Around you, people stood up and began collecting their belongings, grabbing their bags from the overhead compartments as the chatter continued in the cabin.

You politely smiled at the man beside you as he passed you down your bag, a quick “Thank you” leaving your lips as he gestured for you to walk in front of him towards the exit. 

Originally, you hadn’t had any intention of leaving Alberta for the holiday break, but your parents had practically begged you to come home for the holiday’s, citing the fact you had remained in Lake Louise for the last year and that they had only seen you once since you made the choice to unravel everything you knew by packing a few bags and moving halfway across the country to Alberta to work at some fancy ski resort in the mountains. 

It was originally only meant to be a few months worth of work, waitressing in Lake Louise at a 5-star resort that is, and then time kept going by, and the more and more you fell in love with not only the scenery, but the people. Everyone was happy there, tourists were always excited and polite, everyone just wanted the chance to see the Lake, skate on the Lake, whatever it was. No one was ever unhappy here, and you loved that. 

You were pulled out of your thoughts as the line in front of you continued to move quickly, people eager to get out of the cabin and get back into the fresh air that flowed outside. You could barely contain your giddiness as you stepped off the plane. You could barely believe how much you missed the province, missed your friends, coworkers, you even missed the tourists. Who would’ve thought?

After about 20 minutes of watching the carousal spin and spin and spin, you finally eyed your bright red, Flames red, as a lot of people reminded you, suitcase. Grabbing it, you hauled the bag off of the carousal and onto the ground. You were eager to get to your car, which you had already paid a good 500 dollars worth of parking for, and eager to get the move on the three hour drive across Highway 1 to Lake Louise. 

After four and a half hours of travelling, you knew this three hour drive was going to exhaust you. And with the temperature out in Alberta right now? All you wanted was your bed and a cup of piping warm hot chocolate to end the day.

4590 minutes

“Man, your face is already awful to look at. You really trying to ruin it even more right before you meet your soulmate?”

Before Noah could even think, a wad of tape hit the side of his head while exclamations went up around the room about the choice of target. “Whoops, guess my tape slipped... out of my hand.”

Matthew shrugged his shoulders, an innocent grin on his face as he stood up to grab the tape from beside Noah Hanifin’s locker. 

“No, but seriously, why are you getting into fights with three days left on your wrist? Don’t go and get yourself killed or something, they’d be devastated if they’ve waited this long for your dumb-ass just to have 4000 minutes tattooed on her wrist for the rest of her life.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Matthew ignored his teammates comments, choosing instead to run his finger across the always-changing number on his wrist. 

“It’s not like it matters anyways.” His words were barely above a mumble, but it was enough to spark the attention of his captain, who was quick to tell him to meet him in the trainer’s office after he was done showering and getting the blood that was currently dripping down his face, cleaned.

Obliging on his captain’s orders, he found Gio in the office, a tight smile the only warning that he was about to get ripped apart by the veteran. Gio was one of the lucky ones, he had barely been 16 when his clock finally hit the big 0. It made him an advocate for all the soulmate bullshit, constantly encouraging his teammates to wait it out, be patient, their time would come. 

“Chucky, buddy, we gotta have a chat.”

Quirking his eyebrows at the older man, Matthew nodded, “Well Gio, I kinda figured that one out buddy, unless you pulled me in here to look at my oh so pretty face.” 

“I’m serious. You need to stop with this constant bashing of soulmates and times and shit. I know you don’t like it and you hate the concept of soulmates and whatever, but you’re doing nothing but worrying the younger guys. These kids are constantly terrified their minutes are just going to stop and be etched into their skin.”

Subconsciously running his fingers across the number on his wrist again, 4530 minutes. Wonder what that is in exact time. Shrugging his shoulders, he was quick to apologize to his captain. “Sorry, G. Not trying to scare the kids, just getting a little... I don’t know? Worried? It’s getting too close, I don’t want to get like...  it’s not important, never mind. I’ll stop talking about times in the locker room. Sorry.”

Quickly tightening the tie that was now wrapped around his neck, Matthew raced out of the office before Gio could say something else to him. He eagerly grabbed his phone, wallet, keys and suit jacket before quickly making his way towards the parking garage, the only thing on his mind was of course, you.

2120 minutes

One whole day and just a few hours. You could barely breath as you ran your thumb over the little black number on your wrist. You knew it was inevitable that you’d be meeting your soulmate while working, the moment you looked at the work schedule when you arrived back from home, you knew you’d be stuck working during the time in which you were meant to meet you soulmate. You were giddy, sure. But what if they didn’t like you? What if whoever it was, was snooty, and rude, and didn’t like you for who you were?

“Y/N, you gotta stop thinking about it, babe. You’re gonna get your head stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts. Think about other things! Like... the Calgary Flames.”

Eyeing the blonde beside you, “Tell me Cassidy, why in the world, would I think about the Calgary Flames, instead of thinking about my soulmate?”

Your coworker shrugged her shoulders and gestured to the board behind your head. You had all been notified a day prior that the Calgary Flames had reserved a whole floor of the Chateau for the weekend. With your restaurant being directly in view of the Lake and the Mountains, you were expected to be the main dining spot for the team over their course of the weekend.

“Believe me, Cass, the last thing I want to think about is a bunch of hockey boys who are going to make me miserable the weekend where I’m supposed to be... not miserable.”

She winked at you, a teasing glint in her eyes, “Maybe one of those awful hockey boys has the same number on your wrist. Maybe Noah Hanifin’s your soulmate. God, I’d be so jealous, could you imagine being destined for that beautiful exhibit of a man? God, I’d climb him like a tree.”

Laughing, you wacked her with the towel in your hand as she continued to egg you on, gloating about how beautiful of a specimen Noah Hanifin was, and how she’d do just anything to crawl into bed with that man. Cassidy was always like this, bubbly, happy, positive. Her number had stopped moving 12 years ago, or so she says. She hadn’t been paying attention the day it stopped, the number etching itself into her skin permanently, to never move again. She was never negative about it, always saying that she hoped just the thought of her brought peace to her soulmate in their last moments. 

“Okay okay, enough about the Flames. I doubt it’s even going to end up being any of them, hockey boys and I do not get along. Especially the one’s that are just constantly bothering people, and that’s the entire Flames roster, so... let’s get back to work.”

440 minutes

One thing Matthew was sure of was the fact that he loved everything about the drive to Lake Louise. He wasn’t notorious for being a huge fan of the scenery around him, but something about the drive across Highway 1, the trees, the snow covered mountains, they all just faded together and created this picture in his head. It was hard to describe, there wasn’t anything specific to the picture, it was just joyful, it was happy, it was calm. Jesus, maybe he was just fucking crazy. 

A lot of people always said you feel more calm in the hours leading up to the first time you meet your soulmate. But he sure as hell didn’t feel calm. He was on edge, the scenery around him, albeit, it was beautiful, it was not calming him down. His leg was shaking, his foot tapping the ground beneath him on the bus. He could see Johnny giving him a look every time his shaking leg touched his teammates. He knew the entire team was frustrated with him. Two games straight, two 10 minute fighting majors. 

He was being a pest, constantly egging people on, trying to ignite arguments or fights or just some form of stimuli to get his mind off of the only thing it could stray to. You. He didn’t want to think about whoever the hell you were, he didn’t want to get his hopes up that maybe his clock would actually hit 0, maybe he’d actually meet his better half. Or maybe he'd fall through a crack in Lake Louise and never have to worry about it again... hopefully. 

“If you touch my leg... one more fucking time, I am going to sock you in the fucking face Chucky.”

Immediately pressing his heel into the ground, Matthew mumbled out a quick ‘sorry’ to the teammate beside him as he watched the trees continue to go by outside the bus window. The time was still changing on his wrist, every minute counting down as the minutes passed outside. There was barely any cell service on the drive up, so the only thing that could truly distract him at this rate, was you, and he hated that.

“Soooo... you excited Chucky? It’s gotta be the big day, no?”

If choking a teammate was legal, Matthew would already be wringing Noah Hanifin’s neck. 

“Yeah, delighted.”

“C’mon grumpy pants, you’re literally like what? 6 hours away from meeting the person who’s supposed to complete your soul... and you’re in a foul mood. Did Doughty crawl up your ass and die last night or?”

Grinding his teeth, Matthew tried to bite his tongue, refusing to lash out at his teammate, even though he so desperately wanted to. He wasn’t going to be the cause for a toxic locker room, especially over something as stupid as soulmates. 

It was obvious that something was going on, everyone on the team knew the time on his wrist equalled out to less than a day. Everyone could see how on edge he was slowly getting as the time dwindled down, but no one could figure out why he was getting more and more frustrated, why the excitement wasn’t shining through as the time continued.

“Why the hell aren’t you excited man? This person’s supposed to be the love of your life, and you seem like you couldn’t give two fucks if you meet them or not?”

It was too late, Matthew was exploding before he could even comprehend what he was saying. “It doesn’t fucking matter man, okay? I don’t give a shit about this soulmate bullshit. Everyone’s soulmate is gone one day anyways, what the hell does it matter if you meet them now? I’m gonna be aching at some point because they’re gone and I’m alone. Woohoo, I get to meet them today, woo-fucking-hoo. I could literally not care less, so stop bugging me.”

27 minutes.

It was all around, highly likely, that your soulmate had some form of connection with the Calgary Flames. Their reservation was scheduled for 23 minutes from now... and your wrist had that small number 27 etched on it as it continued to count down. 

“Wow... maybe your soulmate really is Noah Hanifin... I’m sorry for saying I’d climb him like a tree.”

A loud laugh left your throat as you watched a guilty smile form on your co-workers face. “Cass, I highly doubt it’s Noah Hanifin. It’s probably just a coincidence that their reservation time coincides with my meeting my soulmate time.” Cassidy gave you a knowing look as she walked away, a small smile on her face.

You were anxious, you couldn’t deny it. Every second that counted down, you were nervous, what if you weren’t good enough for them? What if they were embarrassed it was you? What if... oh god... what if they hated soulmates? What if they were one of those people who was willing to cut the tie, ignore the call, ignore the connection?

You refused to think about that, instead putting yourself to work, clearing the tables and plates of the previous occupants, you waved off the clearing crew, instead choosing to do it yourself. Anything to get your mind off of it. 

The Flames weren't the only occupants of the Chateau tonight, only taking up about half, you were able to still seat other tourists who were interested in the view tonight. 

That’s how you found yourself, 25 minutes later, your hand on your hip as you interacted with the group of rowdy guys in front of you. They were from Edmonton, and they were absolutely hammered. They were as nice as you could expect them to be, continuously flirting your ears off, as they tried to impress you with their... what was it? Accounting job? You couldn’t remember for the life of you, your mind solely stuck on the small number 1 now etched on your wrist. 

You were roused out of your thoughts at the feeling of a hand touching your waist. “C’mon sweetheart, you’re not even paying attention to us here. Take a shot with us, baby!”

You politely removed the offending wrist, a tight smile now etched on your face. “First, I would ask that you please don’t touch me. Second, I was most definitely listening. You boys want another round of beers, and 6 tequila shots. Unfortunately, I don’t believe the shots are the best idea, nor do I think the beer is, but I’ll definitely get you a glass of water.”

Spinning on your heel, you went to walk away but were stopped by the feeling of a hand tightly gripping your wrist, a small squeak falling from your lips.

“We don’t want water.”

“Please get your hand off of me.”

“Get us what I asked for then, bitch.” 

You were about to retort, a vicious snarl on your lips, but your words were caught in your throat as you watched a fist connect to the cheek of the man in front of you, a gasp leaving your throat.

2 minutes

This had to be a joke. He was apparently two minutes away from meeting his soulmate, and here he was, in an orderly fashioned line as him and his teammates made their way into the restaurant. He could barely breath, his pants felt too tight on his hips, he could feel the sweat seeping through his shirt. Thank god he made the choice to wear black. 

It felt like everyone’s eyes were on his, everyone was wearily watching the number on his wrist go down, as the obvious anxieties began to cloud his every thought, action, move... everything.

He tried to take his mind off of it, observing the restaurant as the team slowly made their way to their designated tables. There were a few other patrons, most of them caught up in their own world. One specific table caught his eye, they were a group of rowdy guys, maybe a few years older than him. 

Quite frankly, they looked like all around assholes. Looked like the guys you’d see from Wolf of Wall Street, and from the looks of it, they were really starting to irritate their waitress. Although, all he could see was your back, your posture was unbelievably straight, your hand on your hip as you inventively listened to the guys in front of you.

Matthew continued to watch you, something inside of him telling him that he just couldn’t look away. He had to keep looking. He watched as you turned your body, ready to walk to wherever your destination in mind was, but he instantly zeroed in on the hand that was now tightly wrapped around your wrist, a violent look on the man’s face.

He wasn’t moving on his own accord now, his feet were basically moving by themselves as they raced towards you.

“Get us what I asked for then, bitch.”

His fist was connecting with the other man’s face before he could even think. He heard the gasp from beside him, he watched the number on his wrist hit 0 the exact moment he looked at you, a look of shock on everyone’s faces.

“Chucky!”

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m going to call the police you fucking curly-headed fuck.”

He could barely focus on the voices around him. You were here. You were literally right in front of him. Both of your numbers were at 0, he could see it on your wrist. He was literally staring in the eyes of his soulmate.

“Oh my god, you punched one of our guests.” Your voice was like bells to his ear, soft, delicate, everything he wasn’t... but god, you were perfect.

“I’m Matthew, and yes... I uh... I think I did punch one of your guests. I also think you’re my soulmate. Does it count as self-defence... if I punched him in my soulmate’s defence?” 

You laughed, trying to cover it up with your mouth as you watched your manager’s rush towards the now bleeding asshole at the table behind you. 

“I think I like you already, Matthew.”

[saintqueer]

I agree it feels like something is building. And like holding out hope and getting periodically more optimistic definitely keeps me sane too. I just can’t squash the uneasy feeling that if we’re right, that there is something coming, it might not be good. It might be worse than where they’re at right now. I hope I’m wrong, I’ve been told that I am chronically cautiously pessimistic…

hiiii

i dont blame you at all for being super pessimistic and stuff after all the bullshit we've seen. and i get that feeling of "things can always get worse" because we've kind of watched them do that over the years.

but i don't see anything worse coming from the louis camp. in my head, the worse we could get would be no change. and i think all the signs we've been getting from louis over the past few months have been so positive and i don't think he would mislead us like that if good things weren't coming!

like this tweet and its repetition:

the recent regular appearances of the victory laurels, skull, and upside down triangle hat:

and the imagery in his 369 drop which he JUST sent out clearer prints for only a week ago:

are all things that lead me to believe really good shit is in the works for louis, not just music-wise! we are now a year out of Syco and i think we are finally going to see movement. louis' straight up told us to have hope so im gonna try!

i know we try to expect the worst to protect ourselves but what it does is only make you more miserable. we need to trust louis. he is more in charge of his own affairs than ever before and we are gonna start seeing the fruits of that soon! yeah, it feels like a tension-filled calm silence before the storm but we all know it's a necessary storm.

they left that paternity test option open for a reason.

[tanadrin]

I suppose because politics is what means I have no future of any kind left, so it's hard to be silly about it. And I seem to have landed myself in a sector of social media filled with people who are very smug about how smart and nihilistic they are, and I hate all of you with the hatred that only a miserable, powerless person can feel.

I don’t buy it. Unless you are quite literally scheduled to be executed at dawn, “no future of any kind left” because of politics is catastrophizing. People in very dire circumstances the world over often manage to build some kind of life for themselves; it may not be the life they want, and the suffering they endure because of the circumstances they are limited by should not be dismissed, but to say that someone in such adverse conditions has no future is to infantalize them and deny them the agency they do have to shape their life to some extent.

And this is an insight I’ve found important when dealing with depression in myself: even if one’s catastrophizing is not irrational (say, you’re a queer person stuck in an extremely homophobic environment, at minimum for the next 5-10 years), that does not mean it is useful. To put it another way: circumstance might justifiably make you angry and sad and frustrated. That may be rational. Deciding, in the face of that anger and sadness and frustration, to surrender to it is not rational.

So--assuming that you are not a political dissident due to be executed, nor suffering from a terminal illness which somehow for political reasons cannot be cured (if either of these things are true, you have my sincere condolences)--I have to say, this ask reeks of someone who’s depressed. If you are depressed, you will always be able to come up with reasons why happiness is unattainable for you, due to circumstances entirely out of your control. This is not a crazy thing to think, because if you are depressed and not treating that depression, most if not all the things you try to do will not solve your unhappiness because they are usually orthogonal to what is making you unhappy. Your very ability to accurately imagine future happy states and what might bring them about is suppressed by depression; for instance, you might, if you are depressed and you know it, rationally understand that exercise often helps with your depression, but be unable to motivate yourself to exercise because the intuitive link between if I do X I will feel better is broken by an internal forecasting system that refuses to spit out predictions other than “nothing I do will help with anything.”

A depressed state is not a psychotic break--it doesn’t cause you to lose touch with reality--but I think depressed people would sometimes benefit from treating it like one, because it does subvert your ability to accurately model the world, and therefore you can’t trust your own ability to reason or intuit about certain topics. I have both experienced this from the inside, and seen it from the outside: friends whose depression causes them to believe they are unlovable, and thus that nobody loves them, even when told (and shown) repeatedly that they are very much loved, and very important to the people around them.

In fact, you remind me of this post: depressed and anxious people who notice politics is depressing and anxiety-inducing, and that depressing and anxiety-inducing problems confront the world and society, and therefore conclude that their depression and anxiety are a rational and reasonable response to the world. But that doesn’t follow at all! A lot of responses to a depressing and anxiety-inducing environment are more useful that shutting down and withdrawing, or letting yourself be paralyzed; and even if there are negative external factors in the world affecting your life, if you have nothing in your life that is a sufficient source of joy to offset these things at least somewhat, then you have problems sufficiently severe that I don’t think your depression or anxiety can be laid at the feet of the world at large alone; more likely, you’re dealing with shitty personal circumstances, and these are far more likely to be tractable to your individual capacities than, like, all of climate change. And if you do have some sources of joy in your life, you can cultivate those further.

To put it another way: humans are very bad at reasoning about things on large scales or over large timelines. One reason we’re slow to solve problems like climate change is that we tend to be pretty blasé about remote and impersonal problems, which is actually often useful as well--because it means we’re capable of adjusting our hedonic barometer to create joy even in catastrophic circumstances. If you are constantly worried about big issues like climate change or the Trump presidency to the point where you can never do that, then the conclusion you should draw isn’t that you’re a uniquely rational human being with a uniquely accurate worldview, it’s that your brain is broken and you should not trust your intuitition.

Emotional states are not rational models of the world. They are tools our brain uses to motivate certain kinds of action. They probably have their origin in our social evolution, but this means they are extremely untrustworthy when it comes to complex, large-scale, philosophical, or impersonal issues, because these are not scenarios our brains evolved to handle before the advent of high-population, highly-stratified societies.

Now, I realize it’s hard to convince someone they are depressed and/or should seek treatment by rational argument (lord knows I’ve tried in the past!), because after all, if we were being perfectly rational, we would not feel depressed. We wouldn’t feel anything; again, emotions are contingent tools, not highly rationalized responses to the world! So I won’t belabor this point any longer. Instead, now I’m going to get annoyed with you.

Because here’s the other thing depressed people do--and I have done myself. They see people who are not depressed, whose hedonic barometers are functioning normally, and capable of experiencing joy even in arguably (or inarguably!) shitty circumstances, and they get mad at them. How dare you be capable of laughing at a joke, or sharing a meme, or having a nice day, when everything is so bad!

This is a common response, not only from depression, but also I think from grief, or fear, or trauma, or lots of other things. But it’s bullshit. I’m sorry, but you don’t get to demand that everyone feel your suffering as acutely as they feel their own. You don’t get to demand that just because you’re a pessimistic ball of frustration and anger that everyone else be, too. You get to--and ought to--demand that people treat you with empathy and respect, but that doesn’t mean they don’t get to make jokes about topics you find depressing as hell. Yes, even topics that personally affect you, and may not personally affect them (though, of course, a lot of times people assume the person making the joke isn’t personally affected by the topic, when in reality they are and the joke is a way of relieving stress and coping with frustration).

That calvin and hobbes meme I reblogged is an extremely generic political compass meme; the only relevance it has to the world today, I suppose, is acknowledging that, like, politics is a thing that exists. If you’re upset by that--how dare people laugh at politics, the source of all my problems--you’re being a dick.

And this leads my to my final point, which is this: while we are all of us owed compassion, we also owe others compassion. And people caught up in their own anxiety and depression and anger often don’t see the way their emotional states impose costs on the people around them. They often treat the people around them badly--worse, at any rate, than they normally would--and react defensively if this is pointed out to them.

I’ve done this. I have friends who have done this. I get it. It doesn’t make someone a horrible person! It doesn’t meant they deserve to feel the way they do. But it does create the second half of a twofold moral obligation. You see, I believe that the, call it “utilitarian selfishness” view, is essentially correct: if all humans are of similar moral worth (they are), and you can only help one person (often true), and that person is yourself, it is no less moral to help yourself than it is to help someone else. This is usually framed as a grant of permission: “you are allowed to be selfish sometimes.” But it’s also an obligation: “you should not be a dick--even to yourself.” You have a positive obligation to care about your own suffering! And you have a positive obligation to try to reduce the costs your suffering--your bad mood, your depression, your anxiety--imposes on the people around you.

Because I’m not a smug nihilist. I actually believe, with embarrassing intensity, in a large number of abstract principles. And while I believe circumstance or injustice can conspire to make people feel miserable and powerless, and I have the utmost sympathy for you feeling that way, no one is so omnipotent as to be able to truly excise our power to do something with our life that is rewarding to us, no matter how modest. Your subjective feeling of misery is not license to be a dick to people, or to misrepresent them or their motivations. And if reading my tumblr (or anyone else’s) makes you miserable, you have a positive moral obligation to stop, because you’re being a dick to yourself, which is no more justifiable than being a dick to me. And being a dick to me because you don’t like my Tumblr, because you’re miserable and I’m not, is pants-on-head stupid.

I, too, have been so convinced of my misery and powerlessness, and so utterly convinced of my inability to make improvements in my life, that I have yielded utterly to the feeling of myself as a despised, helpless, wretched thing. You can spend years in that state. A lifetime, even. I suppose it relieves you from the burden of having to try, which is a tiny shred of comfort when the climb up the hill seems so steep. But I have found that in the long run it brings no other relief; there’s no regression to the mean, just an endless prolongation of misery. It required some courage, and not a little determination, to try to climb out of that pit. Sometimes you struggle. Sometimes you fall back in. Sometimes it’s easier to believe there’s nothing beyond that place of unhappiness. But there is, and you can get there, and the choice of whether or not to reach it lies only with you.

[baodurs]

i want someone besides me and the 2 friends who know all the lore to meet my detective, but i’m too impatient to let you get to know her via fic so i filled out this questionnaire instead. she is veronica and she is so important, here is some stuff about her if you are interested :’)

QUICK READ OF YOUR DETECTIVE

Name: veronica langford

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: bi

Love interest: adam

Best friend: morgan

Main skill: science/technology

Secondary skill: combat/physical

Main personality trait: impulsive

Secondary personality trait: sarcastic

Why did they join the Wayhaven PD?: best use of her science skills

Relationship with Rebecca: not great

Relationship with Bobby: ex, finds it hard to be around him

Verda or Tina?: both! but she’s on verda’s branch

Murphy bite?: wrist

Murphy's fate?: captured

Rescue LI or Rescue Sanja?: sanja

GENERAL

Name: veronica “it’s been 3 years and i never gave her a middle name” langford

Nickname: just veronica. people around wayhaven called her ronny growing up, and a few still do despite her trying to grow out of it. maybe a few people from college and sometimes tina call her v or vee or something.

Birthday: please you all know i am so scared of concrete dates

Age: 26

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: bi

Hair color: brown

Eye color: dark brown

Height: 5′10 (178 cm)

Piercings: just one in each ear

Tattoos: something retro sci-fi on her shoulder. not a reference to anything specific, but like a little planetary landscape with a UFO in the background or something.

Clothing Style: casual. lots of tank tops and muscle tees (weather- and occasion-permitting), concert t-shirts, warm colors. flannels and leather jackets. jeans, sneakers, combat boots. think like rocker chick vibes, but cozier and more colorful.

Apartment Style: basic. she really did not plan on living there long and kept putting off decorating because it’d be a waste if she was just going to move out. this rationalization went on so long but since the end of book 1 she has slowly bought a few things to push it towards “cozy,” still pretty sparse though.

STATS

Personality:

Charming | Intimidating

Impulsive | Cautious

Sarcastic | Genuine

Friendly | Stoic

Easygoing | Stubborn

Traits:

Heart | Mind

Optimist | Pessimist

Team Player | Independent

Skills:

Main Skill: science/technology (but mostly science)

Second Skill: combat/physical

By the Book | Bend the Rules

KEY DECISIONS

Reason for joining the Wayhaven PD: best use of her science skills

Murphy bite:  Wrist | Neck | None

Murphy’s Fate: Captured | Escaped

Rescued: Love Interest | Sanja

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP

Love Interest: adam

Why them?: for veronica it’s kind of retroactive. the way i imagine their True Canon, they don’t have any real romantic moments in book 1, so she doesn’t seriously consider that adam might have feelings for her until well into book 2. (the training scene is when she’s like “oh. ok. i get it now.”) even then it takes a few more chapters for her to really process that, figure out how she feels, and recontextualize everything. like realizing that he loves her and then thinking back on their relationship, knowing that, makes her feel so held (sorry i have no better way to say it) in a way that just makes her want to cry.

to give some actual specific reasons, it’s his dedication and his constancy and hidden care/softness. and his very specific brand of... selflessness might be just left of the word i’m looking for, but hopefully you get me.

Bold, shy, or mixed?: neither! in theory it’s closer to bold, but it’s more just earnest.

What were their first impressions of each other?: disastrous. on top of finding him condescending and unpleasant, there are also a few moments where veronica genuinely wonders whether he’s even a good person. or, like, cares about people. but once she learns the truth of things, a lot of her initial anger gets transferred to rebecca.

adam, with the benefit of knowing what’s actually happening, has a slightly more favorable impression of veronica. yes he thinks she’s difficult and reckless and too emotionally driven, yes she’s making his job absolutely miserable, but he does begrudgingly respect that her accusations are always on the right track and she’s good at her job.

What do they find attractive about each other, mentally or physically?:

for veronica: she loooves his sense of humor. and how much faith he has in the people he cares about. physically, dimples <3. but everything about his smile really. and his nose!

for adam: veronica has a very blunt, unadorned sense of kindness to her that he really loves. the way she is kind before she is nice and values directness. physically, her eyes, they’re deep brown and so expressive.

What do they do to spend time together?: they’re both competitive so anything where they can compete on the same team is fun. (competing against each other is fun too, but also like. exhausting. for them and everyone.) maybe puzzles or other things where it feels like they’re “winning” or solving something together. i have spent an embarrassing amount of thought on veronica and overw*tch esp*rts and she would absolutely make adam learn how to play main tank so they could queue as a tank duo. but most of the time i think they don’t Do specific things together; they just hang out. just talk with each other. perhaps snuggle.

What is their favorite memory together?: in current canon... lol. veronica really just treasures any time adam relaxes around her but those moments always get Ruined. even once they’re well into a relationship, i think veronica’s favorite memory would still be something small like a random time he said something funny and they both laughed together and they were outside and the sky was pretty.

What are their love languages?: acts of service for both of them, but especially adam. veronica... probably lots of words of affirmation and physical touch. they’re both bad at blocking out time for themselves in the first place, so quality time can get neglected especially at first.

How do they handle being apart from one another?: pretty well i think! once they’re in an established relationship at least, before that it’s probably harder. but adam can distract himself with work, and veronica is good at focusing on whatever’s in front of her (whether that’s work or she’s away on vacation or something). if neither of them is too busy, veronica calls every night and they stay on a while, half talking and half just keeping each other company.

Do they argue? How do they handle arguments and disagreements? How do they make up?: i think arguments are fairly rare! yes they’re both insanely stubborn, but they also understand each other pretty well (especially once in a relationship) and are very sympathetic to where the other is coming from. unless both of them are extremely stressed, one of them crumbles when they start genuinely arguing like "i don't want to fight ok, let's take a second."

What does their future look like?: who knows! i haven’t decided whether veronica will turn. i think she probably will, just because i do not want my main pairing for this IF to make me very sad all the time, but like. i’m not fully committing until i see a reason pop up in canon. as of book 3′s final demo, it’s not on her radar at all; she knows she loves adam and wishes they could Talk, but ultimately doesn’t expect or even want a relationship right now (because she doesn’t want to deal with dating one of rebecca’s agents OR with the logistics of being in a committed relationship with an immortal being). it’s just all so foreign to her current state of mind that it’s really hard to say!

Anything else you'd like to share: do you know how hard it was to answer some of these considering veronica wasn’t sure they were even, like, on decent terms for such a large portion of the canon content

BEST FRIEND RELATIONSHIP

Best friend: morgan and farah are essentially joint besties but i’ll go with M

Why them?: i think they appreciate each other’s no bullshit attitude. morgan likes that veronica doesn’t take herself too seriously and respects/relates to the way she tackles problems (quickly, head-on, and without complaint but also without pretending that it doesn’t suck?). veronica appreciates morgan’s bluntness, likes bantering with her, and in general just likes being around people that have quiet/steady presences.

What were their first impressions of each other?: neither of them had much of a first impression honestly. morgan barely thought of veronica at all beyond “she’s annoying,” and kept to herself so much that any dislike veronica had of morgan took a backseat to her dealing with the rest of unit bravo.

What do they do to spend time together?: lots of just sitting in the same room and listening to (low volume) music, veronica spends a lot of time hunting for songs morgan might like. morgan is also her go-to sparring/training buddy. and there are semi-frequent movie nights where veronica shows farah her favorite old shitty B movies, and sometimes morgan will tag along just to sit in the room with them or affectionately talk shit.

Anything else you'd like to share: i’ll talk a little about N! obviously veronica and nate respect, trust, and like each other, but she finds him the hardest of UB to connect with. they’re both people who wear their compassion on their sleeves but keep a lot of their hearts/themselves held back, so they just kind of circle each other, especially since like... nate values politeness and is very sweet in how he relates to people, while veronica values directness and is more jokey/lighthearted to put people at ease. idk how well i’m communicating this; as of the book 3 demo it’s getting easier, but their friendship is still newer/more... nebulous? than the others.

OTHER RELATIONSHIPS (Feel free to go in depth!)

Relationship with Rebecca: so strained. veronica has come to terms with rebecca’s absences throughout her childhood, but there’s newer resentment over... a lot of things, but how she handled the murphy case especially. veronica hates being kept in the dark, and even more than that she hates being rebecca’s priority. it’s difficult to reconcile her childhood and present images of rebecca, and she’s angry that rebecca is so freely and recklessly choosing her, now, to the point of endangering others if she has to, especially when she never felt like rebecca’s choice before. and incredibly frustrated/confused by how often the lines between their professional and familial relationships are blurred and what rebecca actually wants from her.

Relationship with Rook: veronica takes after rook a lot. in stat terms, the only trait they don’t share is stoic, and even then that’s veronica’s least extreme stat. people always told her how like her father she was growing up, and it’s a comparison she took/takes a lot of pride in! she looks up to him based on the stories, but more recently is uncomfortable with the comparisons. veronica would never have even come back to wayhaven if her life panned out as planned, let alone become a detective or joined the agency. that makes her doubt herself, and she feels like that doubt is letting rook down somehow.

rook is also part of the reason her relationship with rebecca isn’t as bad as it could be. she knows that rook loved her, and that he would want his family to be there for each other, so she feels obligated to at least try to make things better. but it’s really hard for her to move past everything to connect with rebecca (which also makes her feel like she’s disappointing rook).

Relationship with Bobby: they were together for a long time and veronica thought she loved him a lot! it was her first relationship, so she wasn’t sure a) what a “bad partner” looked like, or b) how to even be in a relationship or rely on someone in that way. so they spent a lot of time together and had great superficial chemistry, but veronica didn’t have enough experience with not feeling neglected to realize how shallow it was, or notice the red flags when she did occasionally open up. the plagiarism fiasco was a slap in the face, especially because it cost her internships/grad school apps/whatever, i don’t have the details, and forced her to move back to wayhaven after school. she’s still very hurt by it and finds it hard to be around bobby.

Relationship with Verda: due to the above plagiarism fiasco, veronica was pretty depressed when she moved back home, and disliking her job didn’t help. she was extremely jealous when verda was hired and wanted to hate him. but it did not take long for that to crumble into respect/admiration, and eventually into close friendship! verda is a role model for her; they bond over science; they joke easily and have good chill fun. she was really excited to see him piecing together the truth about the supernatural and then devastated to see how he reacted. she feels insanely guilty and thinks it was selfish of her to let him figure it out, but is also cautiously optimistic about making it up to him as of the book 3 demo.

Relationship with Tina: very close! veronica isolated herself when she came back to wayhaven after school, and she is so grateful to tina for being her closest friend and link to the rest of the world during that time. hates keeping the supernatural from her, though. she didn’t like lying to tina to begin with, but she feels even worse about it now that verda knows, and now that tina has clearly picked up on something being wrong but she still can’t say anything.

Relationship with the Mayor: cannot stand him. hates the way he talks about rook, hates the way he talks to rebecca. she cooperates as necessary but doesn’t bother hiding her lack of patience/respect for him.

Relationship with Capt. Sung: basically fine. i think veronica might be a little too casual for him in the way she works, but she always gets the job done so he’s not too bothered by it. (she is ‘bend the rules,’ but more ‘strict rules aren’t important as long as you’re still doing good work’ than the ‘boooo fuck paperwork’ variety. so it’s mostly fine.) she also appreciates him as a minor link to rook.

Relationship with Haley: very friendly, but not super close. they get along great and could make pleasant conversation for hours, but ultimately don’t know each other super well despite the familiarity of growing up together.

Relationship with Elidor: such a comforting presence for veronica during her recovery! she is so grateful, so fond.

Relationship with Tapeesa/Vieno: veronica loves vieno’s cranky-yet-friendly vibe and they get along well! not close, but will stop to chat whenever they pass each other.

Relationship with Unit Alpha: loves their energy. always looks forward to the next opportunity to chat with them, and fully supports any harmless dunking on UB even if she rarely joins in.

Relationship with the Maa-alused: going through the house of mirrors and then coming home for them to appear in her apartment and infect bobby was one of thee worst experiences of her life, and it’s hard for her to get past that + the illness in general. sympathizes with them, and got them to sign the treaty, but is still kind of unsettled by everything that happened and by falk.

Do they have any other important relationships, past or present? (Relatives, friends, etc.?): some vague figures i have in mind but no one i’ve really developed. a couple friends from college, and maybe an elderly couple that lives on her childhood street and used to check in her.

PERSONAL BIO

Describe their personality: her usual demeanor is very warm and casual. sincere but private--she’s pretty blunt and likes to be direct with people, but steers conversations away from personal topics. likes to joke around and doesn’t take herself that seriously. but behind all this, she’s extremely stubborn and won’t shy away from conflict if she thinks you’re in the wrong (which is why she seems like a different person in the first half of book 1. UB is surprised by how like... chill and nice she is once they clear the air). a workaholic, self-reliant and secure but still pretty hard on herself, takes a lot of responsibility for the people around her.

Strengths: so dedicated. honest and trustworthy, has a strong moral compass and can always be counted on to do her absolute best. flexible and intuitive, her brain works really fast.

Weaknesses: cannot compartmentalize or separate herself from a case, throws herself so recklessly into everything (in terms of both physical danger and emotional burnout). doesn’t necessarily hold grudges but has a hard time letting go of hurt, still can’t think objectively about bobby or rebecca.

Where in the world is their Wayhaven?: somewhere on the US east coast idk what to tell you. perhaps a carolina or a virginia.

What is their personal history?: veronica was pretty social and well-liked around wayhaven growing up. she was known as just a really good kid; she was an overachiever and got along with almost anyone. in college, she felt like she was free of something and took a very work hard/play hard approach to life. always doing or going, whether it was for school or work or fun. she really enjoyed life during this time but crashed and burned pretty hard when she and bobby broke up; a lot of her plans were delayed until the plagiarism incident was resolved and she didn’t really have the heart to pursue them afterwards.

a year or so after graduating, she returned to wayhaven with the intention of taking one more year to regroup, and she has been stuck there longer than she meant to be and has kind of hit a wall when book 1 starts.

If they weren't a detective, what would their dream job be?: she was on track to become a biochemist and it was her dream job but then the main plot happened to her.

Anything else you'd like to share: i don’t really know enough to fully explain this, but no OC i love is a cop so like. i think maybe the job she took when she got back to wayhaven was a douglas-esque receptionist role for detective reele’s private office. then reele retired and small town politics + veronica’s history of useful contributions to cases in her downtime at work led to her being pressured to take up the mantle. it’s hard to explain why she’s a detective when she so deeply does not want to be one but i am Trying (or maybe she would have jumped at the chance to do something marginally closer to forensics?? who knows)

RANDOM FACTS

Zodiac sign: aries is what i assigned her when i first made her and i think it suits her! plus it’d be fun for her and M to be twins. this goes hand-in-hand with my birthday commitment issues though

Hobbies: music (she plays guitar and bass and sings a little), running, gaming unfortunately. i could also see her having been into boxing or some martial art but idk what exactly!

Likes: early morning stillness, DIY projects, t-shirts with inexplicable slogans and other weird thrift store finds

Dislikes: overly sweet food or drink, when cold weather lasts too long, being lied to or “protected” from the truth

Drink of choice: something with gin maybe. also feels a great fondness and gratitude for cheap wine.

Starbucks order: i truly know nothing about coffee. is it weird to order black coffee at starbucks

Favorite food: variations on spicy chicken soup! she eats a lot of crockpot meals for convenience and they’ve grown on her, and she has a few different recipes based on whatever she has on hand.

Favorite color: maybe like a rusty orange

Favorite music: she will listen to anything, but her favorite is probably folk rock, or sometimes stuff with soul or old school country vibes. big thief is a good example of an artist she’d be into i think! also was very into the indie music scene in her college town and still follows some of those bands.

Favorite genre (and favorite movie/book/etc): loves old, campy, unselfconsciously optimistic sci-fi. loves star trek tos. also a fan of documentaries of all kinds.

Favorite season: summer

Anything else you'd like to share: a kiss for you reading this mwah

[paranoia-assault]

Fate/Stay Night Review

I've been meaning to get around to this for a while, so this post will contain my thoughts on Fate/Stay Night. I'll be going in order of how you're supposed to play the routes. Massive spoilers btw. Also this is copied over from Twitter, so sorry for any weird formatting.

Keep in mind I enjoyed every route, so any negative points I bring up never made me think the route wasn't worth reading. That said, UBW > HF > Fate, so we'll be starting with my least favorite route.

There's 2 reasons why the Fate route is my least favorite. The first is that is has to explain a lot, so it feels like not much happens in it compared to the other two routes. The second is Shirou's "girls can't fight" bullshit. I can't stand Shirou in the 1st half of the route.  Shirou does get better, but this is probably my least favorite version of him. I cannot stand every moment he tries to hold Saber back from fighting and almost gets himself killed because "girls can't fight." It is extremely aggravating.

That said, Shirou is fantastic in the second half of the route. The Fate route is Saber's story, and he plays the perfect part in it. His dream of being a super hero goes perfectly with her wish of being a great king. Seeing these ideologies clash, then come together, is amazing. It's why I like the Shirou/Saber ship despite Shirou/Rin being my favorite. These two were practically made for each other. Last Episode only adds to this, and it made me retroactively like the Fate route more. Saber's ending was beautiful and their eventual reunion even more so.

Illya was also great as a villain. I do think Gilgamesh and Kirei both have routes where they shine better as villains, so when I think "the villain of the Fate route," it's Ilya who comes to mind. Berserker was the perfect threat, and the two together were genuinely terrifying.

Summed up thoughts on the Fate route: Good starting point. A bit slow, and Shirou is very annoying in the first half, but the Saber/Shirou dynamic in the second half makes the route worth playing. 7/10.

Time for my favorite route: Unlimited Blade Works. I fucking adore this route. When I think "Fate/Stay Night," this is the route that comes to mind. If I were to recommend one route, it would be this one. I even plan on watching the anime for it at some point.

The main reason I love this route is Shirou. UBW Shioru specifically is one of my favorite Fate characters. He is confronted with a massive challenge to his ideals. He's pretty much shown they're flawed. But rather than toss them aside, he strengthens his convictions. He denies his future self, determined to be different. Yeah, his ideals might have flaws, but why should that matter? Carrying on Kiritsugu's dream is meaningful to him. The pain is worth saving those he can. Even if it's a thankless, miserable task, he won't turn away from it.

Oh, and let's talk about Archer. I love him. Seeing a pessimistic side of Shirou, a potential result of his ideals, was fascinating. I was genuinely shocked when the twist happened, and it made me deeply appreciate Archer's character. Archer is another of my favorite F/SN chars.

Now, let's talk about my favorite F/SN character, Rin. Rin is great. She was trained to understand and accomplish what has to be done, but has a soft spot not unlike Shirou's that leads her to help others. She had a painful upbringing, but doesn't regret a second of it.

She is the perfect foil for Shirou. She recognizes the pain his ideals are putting him through, but rather than force him to throw them away, she decides to stay with him to make sure he doesn't push himself too far. She tries to help Shriou learn to enjoy himself. Shirou/Rin is my favorite ship in the VN for this reason. They compliment each other so well. Their personalities clash in a way that lets them both grow, and they're genuinely cute together, though you can say that last part about any of the 3 main Shirou ships.

The villains are also great. Caster isn't the same type of threat as Illya/Berserker, but her backstory and dynamic with her Master is really interesting to see. I enjoyed her moments on screen. Gilgamesh was the perfect final boss for this route though. Specifically for Shirou. Gilgamesh' powers match Shirou's reality marble perfectly. Infinite Noble Phantasms. Gilgamesh calls Shirou fake, but that leads to Shirou showing how an imitation can outclass the original. It's such a smart hero/villain dynamic, and the perfect end to Shirou's story in UBW.

Saber even gets some closure in this route, though not as much as in Fate. She gets to be Rin's Servant at the end (which I adored btw), and once again chooses to destroy the girl, moving on from her past. Also, she lives in the good ending which makes me happy.

I also need to talk about Illya. Her scene with Berserker is one of her best scenes in the entire VN. She's barely on screen in this route compared to the other routes, but somehow she made just as much of an impact with that time. I felt so bad for her in that last scene.

Summed up thoughts on the UBW route: This route is where all the characters shone their brightest. Shirou's ideals are handled perfectly, almost every Servant gets the attention they deserve, and the writing is overall high quality the entire route. 9/10.

Finally, Heaven's Feel...I think my thoughts on this route will be the most controversial, as I have very mixed feelings. 

I do want to say this first. I love Sakura. She is a fantastic character, and she deserves the world. I'm glad she gets the spotlight in this route.

I also think Kirei was at his best this route. His backstory, along with his final confrontation with Shirou, were both extremely well written. He went from a despicable villain to a despicable written I love to hate. He almost stole the show as much as Sakura did, honestly.

Rider was great this route. I love the twist that Sakura is her true master, and her protective nature over Sakura was great to see. This is the only route where she manages to stand her ground against Saber for a decent period of time, too. I'm glad she lives to the end.

The highlight of the route, however, has to be Sakura and Rin's bond. Learning that they were sisters, and seeing them slowly and awkwardly get closer, is fantastic. That final confrontation between the two of them blew me away with the spectacle & Rin using the second sorcery. Of course, the hug that ended the fight was the best part. Rin realizing she can't kill Sakura after all, despite everything she said to Shirou, was beautiful. Sakura's horror at thinking she killed her sister, showing she's not a full monster yet, was tragically heartwarming.

Them bringing the sorceries in with Illya and Rin was nice. I like how we got an epilogue that took place two years after the final battle rather than a few months. There is a lot to like about this route. 

...But there's also a lot I don't like.

Zouken and Assassin are just...okay villains. I don't think they're terrible, but they're not as interesting as any of the other villains in F/SN. 

My main complaint is that this route introduced too much. So many elements are here that aren't even touched on in previous routes. Zouken, true Assassin, the crest worms, the true Holy Grail, Angru Mainyu, these are all elements of the route that I'm just supposed to accept only come into play under these circumstances. Sometimes it feels like they came up with it all after the other two routes were written. None of them are badly written per se, it just feels so out of nowhere that I couldn't fully get into the story here. 

As for what I do think is badly written...I don't like Shirou in this route. He feels more selfish than in the others, often pushing aside others' feelings. The main moment that comes to mind is when Illya goes with Sakura. When Shirou finds her, he slaps her and yells at her, not accepting her feelings of wanting the end of her life to be meaningful. And there is no way to escape her death. The route makes that clear. Shirou also throws away his ideals for Sakura, which I don't like. The route before this one had him stick to his ideals despite being given evidence of the despair it will lead to. Yet here he tosses them aside without that, simply for one person.

Maybe badly written was too harsh. Shirou's fine, I like him more than in the first half of the Fate route, but he just doesn't seem to fit with the other instances of Shirou, and there were often times he frustrated me. Again, I did love his confrontation with Kirei though.

Now for the romance of this route. Shirou/Sakura. I'm sorry, but...I'm not a fan of this one. It's cute, even made me emotional at times. I think these two can have a great relationship. The thing is, I don't like how it happens here specifically. I think these two are way too dependent on each other, to the point that one can't live without the other. Just look at the bad ending where Rin kills Sakura and Shirou gives up entirely, or the normal ending where Sakura wastes away her life after Shirou's death. There's even a physical dependence due to the state of Shirou's body at the end of the route. It's honestly worrying how much they need one another.

I think they can grow past this, and I'm sure they do since the true end is a happy one. I don't hate their ship. It's my least favorite of the three, but I can easily see it being someone's favorite. Hell, I know someone for who it is. The ship isn't awful, just has some issues.

Back to the route as a whole, it is certainly the most ambitious, but I think they got carried away at times. It's certainly more geared toward horror as well, especially with those bad endings. Not that that's a bad thing, even if I'm not often into horror.

Summed up thoughts on the HF route: A spectacular finale to the VN, but it has a few hiccups along the way. There are a lot of great character moments and interesting ideas that make it worth the time. The true ending is beautiful as well. 8/10.

Overall thoughts on F/SN: A great time that I would recommend to anyone who can get it working on their computer. Fantastic characters and cool concepts drive what can be just decent writing at times, and the high points are really high. Definitely worth the lows. 8/10.

Quick add on for my thoughts on the prequel, Fate/Zero: An amazing first half that got me attached to so many characters, but it falls apart in the second half due to Gen Urobuchi's more problematic writing tendencies. Those have been discussed to death, so I won’t go into detail on them here, Still, the show has enough moments that make it worth watching. 6/10.

That's my experience with Fate so far. I'm about halfway through the first arc of FGO, so I'll make a thread summarizing my thoughts on each singularity when the time comes. Also I want to read Fate/Hollow Ataraxia if I can. Overall I can say I’m glad I got into this franchise, and I’m excited to engage in more Fate content.

Anyway, this review took me 80 minutes to write, and another 15 to copy over here. Clearly I’m pretty passionate about this franchise.

[write-it-good-imagines]

Alexithymia - Bambam, PART 1

Alexithymia = the inability to express one’s feelings.

Admitting your feelings for someone can come with so little time. Sometimes, it comes to late for some of us and Bambam is a part of the unprivileged ones.

Part 2

Hi everyone *clears throat*. I have been deeply hurt to write this, but frankly, I am not half sorry. This is the angst I promised you and it is as angsty as it gets. Enjoy

3.5k words, angst. WARNING!! Implication of violence, rape, and abuse.

“What did you say?” Bambam’s voice was sharp if a little brutal. He couldn’t believe his ears.

“Another photographer is on the way for the shoot—“

Bambam ran a hand through his perfect hair, thus ruining the work of his stylists. He repeated the question, his patience thinning by the second. “Before that hyung. What did you say happened to Y/N?”

Everyone had the infamous pitiful look on their faces, the one dreaded most by the young male. Jaebum approached to place a hand on Bambam’s shoulder which he brushed off almost violently. He took a step closer to his manager. “Hyung.”

The manager took a deep breath, examining Bambam. Trying to convince him to stay for the shoot would result in a huge catastrophe. “She is in surgery now, but the doctors were pessimistic.”

Bambam nodded softly before throwing his coat over his shoulders, frantically searching for his car keys. He didn’t hear his leader trying to talk sense into him, neither did he listen to his manager’s scolding for taking such action, he merely stormed out. Jaebum glanced at Yugyeom who agreed silently not to leave his friend alone, let alone allow him to drive.

 “How long has this been going on?” You breathed out, struggling to calm yourself down despite your trembling hand in which your phone was.

Bambam turned to you with a confused smile on his face. “How long has what been going on?”

You shoved your phone into his face, the texts in the chatroom of your photography team not leaving any possible room for denial. “Man up for once in your life, will you?”

Bambam scoffed at your words and read the proof of his doings slowly as if trying to create some sort of life-saving speech. Or more accurately, trying to come up with something that will eventually make you forgive him. He gulped instead, his mouth suddenly too dry to express any words.

“Say something, goddammit!” You yelled without even realizing it. You cleared your throat and took another deep breath in your lungs. “Lie to me.”

“What is there to lie about?” Bambam’s voice was guttural as he stepped away from you. “I had sex with your apprentice, indeed. For a while now.”

Your hand dropped to your side. You desperately tried to erase his words from your brain; you would even scrub them away if you could. It’s not the mind that was the problem. It was your heart.

Try as you might, you couldn’t hide the disgust on your face. Your silence terrified Bambam; even so, his self-defense mechanism clicked in. “I don’t see why the drama. We’re friends.”

You let out a hollow laugh and shook your head vehemently. “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

“Oh?” it was Bambam’s time to laugh; it wasn’t until after he had said his so-called argument that he wished he didn’t. “I didn’t know we were exclusive, either.”

 “Yugyeom can you step on it?” Bambam asked desperately as if his presence at the hospital would magically heal you.

“I am going as fast as I can, Bam-ah.” He replied in a low voice, alarmed by his friend’s behavior. “Look, I know Y/N is important to you, but it’s not like—“

“It is my fucking fault!” He scoffed and only common sense held him from putting his fist through the window. “It’s because of me that she fucking left last night.”

 You’d sooner have a gun pointed to your temple than hear Bambam’s voice. With each passing moment, you felt a rift separating the two of you. You turned your back to him, your hands grabbing angrily at your hips as you paced around the house, hopelessly looking for something to say. He was right, you two weren’t together, not officially anyway. You knew what you were throwing yourself into when you met him. He was young, he was handsome, he barely snapped his fingers and had any living female undressing for him.

You had been his group’s photographer for over a year. You could remember vividly the first day on the job. Bambam was a shameless flirt; he didn’t know what boundaries meant. He made his intention to befriend you extremely clear. You’d take on the challenge and you’d listen, at first, how he sneakily boasted his previous adventures. And you brushed off his little jokes because you always justified it with proof: his fearless confessions.

As time passed, however, his habits died down. He wouldn’t find entertainments for his nights, none other than calling you to go for a casual walk, or when he couldn’t sleep you were always on the other end of the line. He would spoil you with dinner, or random boxes of sweets whenever he thought you felt down. He would look out for you silently, in his own way, and confront those who’d make you feel uncomfortable. His members joked that they didn’t believe someone would make him put aside his ‘young and rich’ counterpart.

 And you got along with everyone, they appreciated you very much. And you knew how to communicate with them, bring out the best in them, every time. So you were assigned to each and every photoshoot they had, no matter how little. In a short amount of time, you became close with all of his group. He was thrilled, really. He couldn’t have asked for more from you. To his members, you were as much as a family. But to him, a confusing game of push and pull. Sometimes, he’d stumble over the rope; other times he’d make you overthink it.

“How could you lead me along like that?” you whispered indistinctively, blaming yourself for falling into his trap. Bambam could see how you were sealing yourself into your own fortress from which he barely managed to get you out. Instead of trying to catch you from falling, he carried on spiting poison born from his own weakness.

“I can’t have this argument with you again. I am done justifying my words and actions to you.”

It seemed like Bambam pulled the trigger, evident by the emptiness of your crystalized orbs. You forced eye contact. “Say that again.”

 “Don’t tell me…” Yugyeom trailed off, scared to finish his sentence. He glanced at Bambam. “You did not tell her?”

Bambam bit into the plush of his cheek, fixated on the rapid movements outside the window. He sighed deeply for an answer and ran his hand through his hair yet again. It wasn’t like he was a stranger from your own story. He listened intently when you told him you went through an abusive relationship, how sweetly he talked to you and tricked you into believing him every single time. You refused to tell him at first, no matter how carefully he’d build his approach.

Bambam noticed when his hand would brush over your arm, the way you’d flinch violently then blaming the momentum for it. Or when you two had dinner together and spot happy couples. You needn’t tell him that you were, in fact, hurt. Initially, he convinced himself he’d cheer you up and give you a reason to believe not everyone was an asshole. There was supposed to be a line that he would never cross because he knew he would eventually hurt you if he pushed forward. Even if he wasn’t that despicable a man, he had his unjustified habits. But when does the heart ever listen to reason?

  “Look me in the eyes and say that again. “ you dared, your voice boiling with anger. Bambam remained silent, trying to cusp the gravity of his words. Of course, he believed none of his bullshit, but your frame glowing with disappointment and your acid words froze his every sense. He should have kept his mouth shut then. Not now when you demanded an answer you clearly would not get.

“I should have known I was just another girl to put your dick into.” You scoffed and went to the rack to grab your jacket. Bambam caught you by the wrist and you practically ripped yourself from him. “Keep your hands away from me, Bambam.”

His name sounded bleak coming from your lips now. It wasn’t as warm as it used to be when you’d wave your hand at him, or as daring as you’d make it sound when you challenged him to be a better model. Or as blissful as it felt when he made love to you.

“Y/N, you weren’t just another one to cross off my list. I swear to God, I—“ his breath hitched in his throat. What good would it do to say he came to love you when you would not believe anything coming out of his mouth?

You chuckled. “That night I offered my heart on a tray to you, Bambam. I fucking told you how miserable he made me feel, how fucking close I was to cut my own body, to give up on everything. I open up to anyone in forever, you, I let you touch me, I let you undress me.” You stopped to regain your composure. You didn’t want him to see the tears that had been whirling up in your eyes.

He wanted to convince you it wasn’t a mistake. He didn’t want you to believe it was a rash decision he made under the influence of that wine that tasted like an aphrodisiac on your lips. What did he have to trade to make you believe he was terrified of having such a strong and independent woman by his side?

“Did you at least think of me when you were having sex with her?”

 “Every fucking time.” He whispered under his breath as the scene replayed overwhelmingly in his head. The abominable taste of blood in his mouth brought him back to reality. He must have chewed on his inner cheek.

He wanted to tell you so many times. He meant to tell you that you became something more than a friend to him. He meant to give it a shot. Bambam played it in his head countless times, but the right time never came. There was always something coming up that meddled with his intentions. And he wasn’t good at expressing himself. Bambam asked Jackson for advice and the introspective words Jackson would provide would make him think twice about it. He slowly began hypnotizing himself that you were meant to have someone greater than him, someone, who would know how to cherish you instead of being a childish tease who’d cry to you about every single inconvenience. So he’d shut himself up, his feelings for you growing at a fast pace, although seemingly tucked away.

God knew other members took their chance. When Jinyoung told the guys about his intention to ask you out, a sudden fear nested in his ribcage. It was better than way, he’d repeat to himself like a mantra. Jinyoung would know how to take care of you. He’d make you happier than Bambam ever could. It came as an unusual surprise that Jinyoung was turned down with a vague explanation. And that refueled his feelings toward you, notably when Jinyoung hinted at your own interest in him.

Bambam decided he would muster the courage to ask you out, so he brought one of his treasured bottles of wine and showed up at your house that same night. He could never forget the puzzled expression sketched on your face when you invited him in. You started chatting as you normally did, poured one glass after another, and you opened up about your difficult past.

Every word that was added to your story shaped a sort of irritation in his stomach. How could anyone dare treat you like that? How could they make you feel like you weren’t enough when you most definitely were more than anyone ever deserved?

Your eyes then were so alive, so daring and so hopeful. You needed to be shown how special you were. You needed help to acknowledge your scars, someone to kiss them and teach you how to love them. Someone adamant to show you there is sun after rain. He wanted to be enough for you and he knew that walking by your side would bring out the best in him, too. He knew he could, but he also lacked the trust you did. Little did he know you were slowly pouring it, but he was blinded by his selfish insecurities to let you in. He ignored the fact that he needed you to help him take the reins when he kissed you. Yet he forgot completely when he indulged himself in the transcendent emotions you were igniting in his chest when you allowed him to take you.

 Bambam hoped, prayed for you to hit him. His eyes pleaded you to show him repulsion, or fury, anything that indicated you still had an ounce of trust in him. Anything that would let him repair the damage. He was met by an aching look instead and your puppet movements showed him you threw yourself back into the cage you forged for yourself. “We’re done.”

He reached out to touch your porcelain skin but hesitated. Your void expression would not allow him to cry. “Please, Y/N.”

“I’m done with you.”

“No, no, no! Listen to me, Y/N.”

You backed away slowly, trying to grab onto something to steady yourself. You unconsciously hit the lens of your camera and they fell to the ground, shattering in the tiniest of pieces. You felt your soul facing the same process. It took you some time to register what happened. You were supposed to go through the casual shoot you had with Bambam that afternoon to help him prepare for the next day.

“I’m going to buy you another one in the morning,” Bambam said hurriedly, staring mindlessly at the broken pieces. It didn’t take him long to look up at you and regret; the glass on the floor was nothing compared to the state of mind you were in. All because of him.

You took the camera body in your hands and a single tear rolled down your cheek. You pursed your lips and grabbed the doorknob before you exploded.

“Where are you going? It’s dark already and it’s dangerous.” Bambam grabbed your forearm. There was no reaction coming from you this time, only a weak whimper from your lips.

“Let me go.”

 “We’re here,” Yugyeom announced and Bambam practically jumped out of the car to hurry to the hospital reception desk. He gave your name and barely listened to the directions he was given before storming to the floor you were being operated on. Outside the surgery room, there was your manager and your best friend who was also in your team, along with a police officer who was taking their statements.

“Bambam!” Your friend greeted in a surprised tone. “You were supposed to be at the shooting?”

“What happened?”

Your manager looked at him with a quirked brow. He was sure he offered the details to his manager. Your friend gathered the situation when Yugyeom shook his head softly from behind and walked closer to Bambam to grab his tensed shoulders. “I think we should take a seat.”

“If I take a seat now, I won’t be able to stand back up.” Bambam cut her off in a harsh tone. “I need to know why she is in there.”

“Okay.” The girl folded her arms over her chest and only then did Bambam see how red her eyes were. He cursed himself for the suffering he singlehandedly caused in just a couple of hours. “I received a call from the woman that found her in the back of an alley.”

There was a grave pause. A shiver traversed Bambam’s spine and felt a knot in his stomach.

“There was… uhm, there was a knife deeply buried in her lower abdomen and a couple of other injuries that indicated she must have been hit several times before. The camera and the wallet were gone. They must have thought the phone will have them traced, so they threw it a couple of meters away.”

As dolled up as Bambam was, his face had never been so lifeless before. The knot in his stomach was developing into a blind rage. His breathing was ragged and the knuckles turned pale from the force he was putting in his clenched fists.

“She was most likely –“

Bambam put his palm in the air, stopping the woman from muttering the last word. He knew that if he heard it pronounced, reality would come crumbling over him. His eyes flew to the police officer. “Have you found the bastards?”

“We are working on it.” He turned to Bambam and nodded stoically.

“I’ll make sure they rot in prison.”

“Sir, that’s not your—“

“Did I stutter?” he scoffed lightly and took his chin in between his fingers. Yugyeom put his hand on Bambam’s shoulder and squeezed it. “She left my house last night before this… incident.” Bambam glanced at Yugyeom to thank him for putting him in his place. “Can I give my statement now?”

Bambam followed the police officer and shared all his knowledge on the matter. In the time he spent offering the police as much help as he could, including getting the basic information on how the law system worked so he could hire the best lawyer for the case, the surgery had been finished. The surgeon responsible greeted Bambam to put him up to speed.

“We did everything we could and saved her life. Now, we wait to see if she wants to save herself.”

The doctor showed Bambam to your room, but his hand hovered over the knob. He was uncertain whether he was entitled to see you anymore. He was terrified of seeing your small frame laying weakly in the hospital bed, buried in the white color of the dull room that would certainly emphasize his guilt on the matter.

“You’ve made your choices, Bambam. “ he didn’t notice Yugyeom leaning against the wall. “And honestly, all of your choices so far were dreadful. The one thing I won’t allow you to do is run away. Me and the hyungs who are on their way.”

Bambam chuckled to himself. “I wish you would have punched me in the stomach before I made my choice to betray her.”

“I would!” he stated, punching him in the shoulder instead. “If you told me how miserable you were going to make yourself. Stop being a coward, Bam. This is not the best friend I am proud of.”

The sound of the knob being turned echoed in the room, among the constant beeping of the machines that were keeping you alive. As soon as his eyes fell on your sleeping and bandaged frame, Bambam brought his hand to his mouth to muffle the avalanche of sobs threatening to come out. He fell to the side of the bed, his forehead glued to your hand. He didn’t know how much time had passed, or how long he had been crying until he had no more tears to deliver.

It was beyond late to realize how important it was to tell the ones you love how you feel about them. Although he was aware that when you woke up, you would carry a hatred for him deeper than the ocean, he could at least make sure you got the justice you deserved. He could live with you despising him, he would even put himself in your place if given the chance. He just wanted to know you’d wake up. Bambam was selfish enough to wish you’d hear his words, too.

“I love you so much, Y/N, I am so sorry for being the worst living creature out there. But I didn’t play you. I was just so scared of loving you because frankly, I didn’t know how.”

[fandom-necromancer]

162/907. Continuation

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900

[Part 1]   [Part 2]   [Part 3]   [Part 4]

‘~It’s Britney Bitch~’ Gavin scrunched his eyes keeping them deliberately shut at the rude interruption of his sleep. He didn’t open them, determined to get back to sleep after telling whoever called him to phck off. He slapped his hand on his nightstand with several thuds as he hoped to find his phone. ‘What is it?’, he groaned into the speaker and waited for an answer that justified waking him up in any way. ‘Okay, they didn’t lie to me! It’s me, Gavin, Tina! How do you feel?’ ‘How do I feel?’, Gavin asked as if this was some sick joke. ‘Like shit. Why?’ ‘Ah, just that Nines told Fowler you didn’t feel too well and would take a sick day. He also told me he would go check in on you later. Anything going on there I should know? Anyways, I know you would still come to work one foot in the grave, so how are you? Should I plan your funeral?’

Gavin groaned again, long and pained, as the memories of the day before punched him in the face. Phck that damn toaster. That asshole, that… Why had he arranged this whole play of him being sick? What was that about him checking in later? Why was Tina calling him this early- He pulled the phone from his ear and finally opened his eyes? Sleep wasn’t something he could get back to now, so why bother? It was ten in the morning. Phck. He would have thought it to be way earlier what the- ‘Gavin? You still there?’ ‘Yeah! Yeah!’, he hurried to get out. ‘I’m…. I’m feeling miserable, Tina. But it’s… It’s mostly stuff in my head; I’m gonna tell you later, okay? I just need some time to clear my mind.’ ‘Fine’, Tina agreed. ‘But don’t you go die on me! I need you to restock the breakroom coffee!’ ‘You are the asshole that takes my coffee all the time? I can’t believe it! You do know how to read, right?’ He could hear Tina chuckling over the line and smiled himself. ‘Get well soon, Gav, so you can kick my ass personally for it, okay?’ ‘I will! And… Thank you. See you soon!’

He ended the call and put his phone back on his nightstand with a sigh. His hand came down next to the blue gemstone. He stared at it, followed the white, web-like veins in it for a while until he felt his chest narrowing down on his heart.

Before he could really get lost in his thoughts, there was a knock on the door. ‘Oh, phck me, who the hell…’ For once in his life he was well rested, having fallen asleep far too early and being allowed to sleep in. It didn’t mean he felt good having to leave the bed, but oh well. Whoever disturbed him would get his fair share of his anger, he decided as he pushed back the sheets and grabbed some sweatpants to pull on. It was far from decent, but Gavin couldn’t find it in his will to care.

He was ready to bark some expletives towards the unfortunate soul behind the door, as he opened it, but his words got stuck in his throat as he saw the figure in front of him. ‘Good morning, Gavin. I… May I come in? I brought breakfast as was suggested for me as a means of reconciliation.’ Gavin was tense, ready to explode on the damn tin-can, then met his eyes. These damn grey to blue eyes, so damn soft… He sighed, opening the door a bit more gesturing inside. ‘Fine. Why the hell not? It’s not like this morning could get any worse.’ He closed the door behind the android and went to the kitchen on autopilot, while Nines went further into the room, ambling towards his usual place on the sofa, but not sitting down. Gavin had his hands on the water tank of the coffee machine as he caught himself. The tin-can had his breakfast. Right.

He pulled out the cat food to justify his presence in the kitchen, then walked towards the doorframe hesitantly. ‘Hey, the bullshit about me being sick… That was you, right?’ ‘…Yes.’ At least the android looked adequately guilty about it. ‘It wasn’t a lie though, as you are unwell at the moment. And I wanted to talk to you about… about what you told me yesterday.’ Gavin pushed himself from the frame he had been leaning against and walked out into the hallway. ‘Fine. But listen, toaster: I. don’t.’ He took a deep breath before he continued: ‘If you don’t feel that way, that’s fine, I understand, okay? You needed help, you got help, no strings attached. Business. I’m fine with that. You just didn’t have to be an asshole about it by leaving without a word!’

Nines physically recoiled at that and sat the cup of coffee and the bag holding his breakfast down on the coffee table. ‘That’s… That’s actually what I wanted to talk with you about. Please…’ The android avoided his eyes and laid one hand on the backrest of the sofa.  ‘Would you come over here? Sit with me? I… I am sorry. I was confused and overwhelmed. I…’ He looked up at hearing Gavin’s footsteps and found some courage in the fact that despite his hostile appearance, the man still listened to him and approached. ‘I couldn’t process my emotions to what you told me. I… I needed help figuring it out; usually you are the only one that can help me with this. But I couldn’t talk to you about it when you are the one who wanted an answer and I… I thought of Connor, because he helped me in the past before you came, and… and I left immediately, not thinking about what that might look like to you. I’m deeply sorry, should this have hurt you.’

The silence stretched and even more than before, Gavin’s heart hurt at seeing Nines this distraught. ‘I accept your apology’, he sighed, sitting down on the sofa. He waited for the android to continue; Gavin had already said everything he could bring himself to. ‘Thank you.’ Nines sat down too, keeping his distance from the human and trying to make himself smaller. ‘I feel… I feel a lot for you, but I’m not sure if it’s love. Connor told me it is one form love can take but to be honest his explanation wasn’t as clear as yours normally are. He advised me to tell you what I feel and let you decide if you accept it. And if you don’t… I hope we can stay friends then? I don’t want to lose you.’ ‘Of course, Nines’, Gavin nodded. He wanted to stay angry at this damn machine, he wanted to throw hands and shout and push him away. But that would destroy everything, just as it always did and for once he really didn’t want to ruin this. Especially when there was still hope. So, he anxiously waited for the android to tell him how he felt. Maybe… There was still a chance. But his pessimistic side told him not to believe in it. After all, he was Gavin Reed. He was lucky if he could keep the tin-can as a friend.

‘I… this is difficult for me. I… I hope this isn’t too robotic for you, with Connor I… He is the same and I don’t know how humans-‘ ‘Nines. Don’t worry.’ Gavin hadn’t wanted to be soft just yet, but seeing the android ramble, seeing him desperate for words… Well that had been what had lured him in in the first place, hadn’t it. ‘You are not human, so I don’t expect this to be “the human way”. Just tell me. If I don’t understand it, I’ll ask.’ Nines nodded, glanced at him, then quickly fixed the floor again. ‘I like you a lot. You are my friend. But I realised Connor is too, and it doesn’t even come close to what I feel for you. The same is with everyone else. You are my co-worker, but so is Tina and it isn’t the same at all. I… I thought the discrepancies came from me not understanding the terms just yet, I thought maybe there is some concept I didn’t know of yet. I think in the end, that is exactly what it is. We never talked about it after all.’ He sat up and deliberately looked Gavin in the eye.

‘I like being around you. I favour your company above everyone else’s and especially over being by myself. I… I am happy – truly happy – when I’m with you. I feel safe and… cared for. I know when there is something overwhelming or confusing you are there to explain or to take over. And off the job spending my evenings with you is something I treasure deeply. I like when we watch movies together, I like to cook with you, I like your cat. I like your determination and commitment. Connor calls you stubborn and I guess he is right with his evaluation, but it is not a bad attribute to have. I like you helping me; but not for helping me, if that makes sense? You always take the whole issue and pretend it is normal. I was… I was scared in the beginning because I am defective and no, don’t say I’m not!’ Gavin shut his mouth he didn’t even know he had opened in response. ‘I was scared because there was something missing there, and I couldn’t fill it and it was overwhelming and I couldn’t go and just tell someone. But you acted as if it was normal. You didn’t try to fix me and helped me to do that myself by doing so. I owe you so much and I want to pay you back in some way for it. But I also want to give you something nice regardless of what you did for me. Just for you. And I… And I really like your eyes and that you can’t wink. And the way you speak and still pretend you don’t care when you do. I…’

The android stopped and Gavin found time to process what he just heard. Something he would have never thought to hear with such emotion. He was lost for words and was pretty sure the ability to breathe correctly was overwritten by something that had come out of the machine’s mouth. He could just stare and hope to get back to himself quickly. Nines had trouble identifying all of this and of course interpreted it the wrong way. ‘Is everything alright?’, He asked. ‘I… I really want to love you. Is this enough?’

Is this enough. Gavin knew it was more than he ever hoped for. He hoisted himself up to sit next to the android and hug him from the side. Maybe showing it would work better than trying to search for words. He embraced the hard hull and pressed the android against himself, realising he had never touched him deliberately. It was an odd sensation and immediately Gavin hoped this was okay. He closed his eyes and stayed that way, flinching, as arms were awkwardly draped around him and the pressure rose very unnaturally to equal his own. It had to be a good sign, right? ‘I…’, Nines began, sounding utterly confused. ‘I like this, don’t stop, but… could you answer me? So I’m sure I understand this correctly?’

‘Yes!’, Gavin blurted out. ‘Yes, more than that, Nines, far more than enough for me. I… I don’t think I could make up a list this fast about every detail I like about you, but I love you. And this is more anyone had ever given me.’ ‘Then you’ll… accept this king of love?’, Nines asked still not convinced. Gavin sat up a bit and pushed against Nines’ arms to look the bot in the eyes. ‘Yes. Of course, you stupid phcking toaster, of course, I will! I accept all your terms and conditions, now where do I sign?’

[sunshineofyourlove1967]

For the 90s Alt Band asks... All of Blur & R.E.M.

hellooooooooooo thank you nick !!!!!!!!

i fucking LIVE for sunny weather but i hate when it’s super hot, i mean . it’s not like i’ve got everything completely figured out either in the first place but my parents know, also my friend and a couple other people lmao maybe ???? it’s not many tho. i’m a city person for sure, don’t really have a fave athletic wear brand, DO I LIKE MY SMILEJHDJFH WELL !! my teeth are all crazy are bitches on their own and there’s always the tinge of margaret atwood whispering ‘male fantasies’ into my ear whenever i fear about looking ‘’’’’pretty’’’’ enough to even smilesjdfhjdfh but yeah i like it !!!! 

rem: oooo my biggest heartbreak ? i don’t even go there … don’t wanna make myself sad shoveling through all the miserable bullshit so we gon skip this one !! i LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling of leaving for new places !!! i guess i’m an optimist … or at least i used to be now i’m more of a like an optimistic pessimist, i love both jazz and classical music !!! but maybe classical more, and yeah i’ve been nightswimming !! 

[dwindlingashesburnt]

I have a tendency to be very hesitant about acknowledging or trying to solve any issues I may have.

Part of that is due to OTHER issues I have

But at least one part of it is this: I know that the issue I want to fix is usually only a small part of a bigger issue, and sometimes I’m not aware of the bigger issue, sometimes I am aware of it but it’s only that one small part that’s bugging me at the time, or that small part is all I’m capable of trying to resolve at the time....But I hesitate because I KNOW that as soon as I acknowledge and fix or start trying to fix that small part, the whole bigger issue is suddenly gonna become a bigger issue - I will be so much more aware of it, it will bug/upset/hinder me so much more, I will be hassled by issues I hadn’t even realised were part of that same big issue!

For this reason, I tend to try to, or at least want to, put off dealing with my problems. Not forever, but put it off long enough that I will theoretically be able to deal with all the small issues and the larger issue itself, all at once, without giving it a chance to pull the whole worsening and multiplying bullshit.

......I think this is now happening with the, well, sideaffects (???? wtf do I refer to this as-) of my being a trans enbie. like. names, behaviour, gender dysphoria with my body, clothes- you name it, its an issue

Because previously, here are the things I was struggling with: I knew I wasn’t a boy or girl, I didn’t like seeing my birthname written down and especially didn’t like writing it down myself, and I didn’t like people making a point of referring to me as a girl. I very very rarely got gender dysphoria about my chest but then I normally just layered up (got into some arguments due to this in summer because I couldn’t explain why I was choosing to overheat instead of taking  a layer off without outing myself...) and it was. well. not fine but bearable

So. I acknowledged that I’m nonbinary, and I think closest to agender. I’d prefer xe/xem pronouns or they/them as a second place option, I asked my friends to refer to me as Ash when safe to do so, and, well. That was about it? It’s not like people normally make a point of talking to other people like “hey, WOMAN! yea, Im talking to you LADY!!! be a decent GIRL and get over here rn, FEMALE!!” so that was...never AS MUCH of a problem

thing is. now that I’ve acknowledged that those things upset me and tried to resolve them, more things that were before minor annoyances at worst are now quite upsetting?

It feels kind of like when you’re incredibly hungry, so you eat, and it’s only then that you realise you’re thirsty too, so you drink, and after you’ve drunk your fill you just about collapse of exhaustion - I was never aware of those problems before, but now that I’ve done my best to deal with the worst/easiest to resolve problems, all possible other problems are trying to snatch my attention all at once and it sucks.

I’ve been daydreaming....much, much more about when I’ll be able to be safely out, present myself how I want, etc, and wondering how much of that I could get away with now. I’ve been dancing around the idea of somehow getting a binder or coming out to some of my teachers or my mentor at school for....a while, now. I’m getting upset much more often about casual, unintentional exclusion, my dysphoria’s worse and more frequently, I’m questioning things about my behaviour or looks I never even thought about before (I’m not sure what to do with the information that if I tuck my hair behind my ears, I look more female, if I leave it completely loose so it’s an inconvenience, I look much more of somewhere between androgynous and male? nor what to do with the sudden fretting about how I sit or walk). Part of the reason I’m considering coming out to a teacher - and it’s a minor one, which is good because it’s kind of a stupid one - is that I hate them using my birthname in class. It’s even worse when they use the abbreviated version of my birthname: most people in my year want their name abbreviated if it’s possible for their name to be shortened, but I don’t because my birthname is common and so there’s almost always been someone else with the same name, and THEY always chose to go with the shortened version. As much as abigail makes me twitch, Abi is so much worse because whilst abigail isn’t my name, at least it isn’t someone else’s entirely - someone who is my friend and normally sat right beside me. 

I’m scared that if I told a teacher that they’d pass it on to other teachers, though. or worse, senior staff. Or even worse than that - my family. 

It’s also just....really weird. Before I got used to my friends calling me by name, I wouldn’t look up when they called for Ash, I’d recognise it consciously sure, but I didn’t have the kind of subconscious, ears metaphorically prick at hearing your name even if you weren’t paying any attention at all, kind of response. 

But now? Now it’s even weirder! because sometimes I’ll look up when they call my name, and won’t really recognise that the word abigail refers to me at all. Other times, I’ll notice that word but my friends will call my name multiple times “ash, guess what - ash? ash! ash are you even listening?-” and I won’t notice or recognise it at all. And that’s....weird and makes me very uncomfortable because a small pessimistic part of me feels like that means maybe I don’t have any name or identity of my own at all anymore. And I know that’s dumb. It doesn’t even make sense and is miserable besides but...It makes me feel uncertain, kind of scared and upset

I just wrote the initial (A.) on all my schoolwork I could get away with so far, but...I’ve gotten called out on needing to put my first name down once already and it’s only been, what? A week? Two? I don’t know

I don’t really know what to do with myself from here on out

I don’t know if I can solve any of this, either, without causing another magnify and multiply hell

I want to talk about it with my friends more, but. But my school friends don’t get it at all and while they try to be supportive, they can’t really help at all beyond listening, and sometimes not even that because as wellmeaning as they are, they really really don’t get it sometimes and I can’t really resent them for that properly, although it kinda makes me feel a bit like that sometimes. I know of several people who are also trans who I guess I could potentially talk about it with - but at least one out of those three has made it clear, rather hurtfully, that they (?) don’t wanna talk about it, at all, about me or them(?). Well. Really hurtfully if I’m being honest with myself but...it’s whatever, I guess...And well, I’m scared to bring it up with the other two? I’m also anxious with one of my friends that me talking about my issues could make her doubly aware of her own, and I don’t wanna cause her to suffer worse from her own dysphoria just cos I wanted to bitch about mine...

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I feel very upset and very very young.

...This is the other reason I want to tell a teacher.