#more mad at myself than anything TOT

[tai-janai]

i do regret not adding more differentiation . but it is probably a little too late for that

[rapidhighway]

Almost done with the 12th doctor

[thdorkmagnet]

Forgiveness in Three Phases

So this came out of nowhere not gonna lie. Was actually trying to finish a Turtle Tots story but then @somerandomdudelmao Cass Apocalypse series ended and I ended up using that as the fire under my feet to write this. This isn't a fanfic of that series or anything, just a result of me needing to emotionally work out my feelings through writing, so I felt like I should mention the impact it had on me and this story. Regardless, you should read Cass Apocalypse series anyways because it's amazing and everything I ever wanted in a comic and I can't recommend it highly enough! Seriously read it if you haven't! You won't regret it!

As for this story, it's a little bit of an experiment I wanted to try out. This takes place post- ROTTMNT movie and is basically Leo having a talk with each of his brothers about his sacrifice. It seemed like a typical idea for the fandom to explore so I wanted to try something a little different to make it feel a little more unique.

This story is told non-chronologically. It jumps between three different points in time, the talk with Donnie, the talk with Mikey, and the take with Raph. There are points where it intersects but mostly it jumps freely between. I did my best to make it easy to follow but let me know if anyone struggles.

Anyways that's really it. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle belongs to Andy Suriano, Ant Ward, and Nickelodeon. All rights go to them.

“Are you mad at me?” 

“Yes,” Donnie replied instantly, leaning over the machine he was tinkering on, refusing to even look at Leo. 

“No,” Mikey said before his gaze shifted. “Maybe a little.”

Raph sighed, looking so tired and small. “It's more complicated than that, Leo.”

“What you did was stupid, self-sacrificial, and incredibly selfish!” Donnie's teeth were grit together, fingers welding small strips of metal together, causing sparks of light to bounce off his goggles. “What gave you the right to throw your life away like that?! What made you think any of us would be okay with that?!” 

“I'm more sad than mad, really,” Mikey confessed, stirring the broth he was making with shaky hands. His thoughts seemed to be a million miles away, detached from his current self. “I know it was a desperate situation and I know you were just trying to protect us but when that portal closed, I…” Mikey lost his voice, eyes flooding with tears. His gaze finally focused in on his brother. “Why did you have to leave us, Leo?”

“I mean I am mad. I'm furious, Leo! At you, at the Krang, at the whole awful situation we ended up in, all of it!” Raph growled, low and steady, the punching bag he had been mercilessly wailing on a moment before now a crumpled broken heap on the floor. His voice was barely a whisper as he finally added, “But more than that I'm mad at myself.”

“No!” Donnie shouted, cutting off any attempt for Leo to explain himself, slamming a fist so hard on his desk it made the walls rattle. He fully turned to face his brother, goggles still hiding his eyes. “No, I don't want to hear any of your excuses! I don't care that you're the leader! I don't care that you thought there was no other way! I don't care that it was the literal end of the world! I don't care! Nothing you say is ever going to justify me almost losing my twin!” 

“It hurt us! It hurt us all so, so much!” Mikey shouted through his tears, dinner forgotten as he crumpled to his knees. “Raph and Donnie were just so broken. And sad. A-And I just couldn't… I can't-” Mikey threw himself at Leo, clinging to him with all he was worth. He held tight, sobbing and shaking and screaming incoherently as days and weeks of pent-up frustration and sadness bubbled freely to the surface. He held onto Leo so he couldn’t go away again.

Raph looked away, guilt washing over his face like a wave over sand. “I shoulda stopped you. I shoulda done somethin’.” Raph's shoulders slumped, like there was an unseen, oppressive weight pushing him down, threatening to crush him. “I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to keep you guys safe! Not you! It shoulda been me that got sent to the Prison Dimension. Instead, I let you make an impossible decision and it nearly killed you.” 

Donnie finally tugged up his goggles, eyes glassy with falling tears, something small and vulnerable now filling the space between the two brothers. “I thought you died, Leo. For a minute I… I thought you were gone. I mourned you.” There was no anger in his tone anymore. He just sounded sad and broken and so, so tired. He turned back to his invention, whispering. “You made me mourn you, Nardo.”

It took a while before Mikey’s wails sounded like words again. “I can't lose you, Leo! I can't, I can't, I can't! I-I was s-so scared! And the magic hurt so bad! I just wanted to bring you home! Even if it brought Krang back! Even if it killed me! I needed you back!”

Raph plopped on the floor, the weight finally too much for him to stand. Leo sat down too, failing to find the words to say. “I'm sorry, Leo. For not being there for you. And I don't just mean with the Krang, even before that. I thought you just weren't taking anything seriously and showing off like always. I didn't realize how hard it all was for you. I shoulda understood.” He finally met his brother's eye with a tenderness that hadn't been there in so long. “Instead I kept fighting with you and pushing you and pressuring you, instead of just being there and supporting you the way I shoulda been. And maybe if I hadn't said all of that…” Raph let out a deep, soul-crushing sigh. “You wouldn't of sacrificed yourself the way you did.”

Leo crashed into Donnie’s back, burying his head into his torn shell, arms encircling his twin protectively. 

He squeezed Mikey back, letting his own tears fall.

He reached out a hand, placing it over Raph’s own, finally meeting his big brother's eye.

“I'm sorry.”

“Your right, there is no excuse,” Leo admitted, words muffled as he buried himself a little further into the soft leather. “I never should’ve left you like that. I shouldn’t have hurt you or made you… think I was dead.” He choked back a sob, holding his twin just a little tighter. “I didn’t want to make that decision, I wanted to stay with you and Raph and Mikey and eat pizza and watch Jupitor Jim and argue about who’s the best at video games.” He couldn’t hold the sobs back anymore, crying into his twin’s shell, feeling the floodgates of his heart open, drowning him alive. But Donnie was here and there was safety in his presence, so he could keep on breathing. “I didn’t want to die and leave you alone.”

“I’m so sorry, Mikey,” Leo said gently, hands rubbing circles into his baby brother’s shell. “I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I scared you. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry.” He kept mumbling soothing words, listening as Mikey’s breathing started to even out and the tears turned into small sniffles and chirps. Still, Leo didn’t release his brother, he just held him close, pouring all the love, comfort, and affection he had to give into their embrace. He felt Mikey return it back tenfold, soaking through his shell and warming him from the inside out. “I’m here now. I’m here. And I’m never leaving you again. I promise. We’re safe Mikey. You’re safe. It’s all over. I’m home.” 

Leo nearly chuckled when Raph gave him a confused look. “What? Why are you so surprised? I thought that’s what you wanted to hear? I mean if anyone here has a lot to apologize for it’s me, not you.” His playful tone turned serious again, giving his big bro an apologetic smile. “Look, I know I haven’t been the easiest person to get along with lately, so I don't really blame you for any of what happened, before or after the end of the world. And you shouldn’t either. Not for a single thing.” 

Donnie suddenly swerved in his chair and pulled Leo tightly to his chest. Leo was so shocked he just sat there frozen for a moment. “I’m not mad at you because of what happened to me, Nardo. I’m mad because of what happened to you. Because you thought your life was worth less than ours and you let yourself get hurt because of it. You nearly died because of it. And because you care so little about yourself, I thought it would help you avoid repeating obvious mistakes to see our perspective as well.” Donnie let out a small breath, resting his chin on Leo’s head, hands gently brushing over his shell. “Though perhaps I went about it the wrong way. Emotions aren’t my strong suit.” 

Leo let out a wet chuckle, pulling away so he could wipe away the stray tears. “Same here. And sorry again… for everything.”

After what felt like a lifetime, Mikey spoke, voice choked and raw but still surprisingly strong. “Okay, I-I think I feel a bit better now.” He broke the hug, staring up at his big brother with misty eyes. “I needed that, I think.”

“We both did,” Leo agreed, kissing him on the top of the head.

Raph didn’t seem convinced, looking down at their hands instead of his brother. “I still shoulda stopped you from going into the Prison Dimension. You got so hurt.”

“Hey, that was my choice to make,” Leo said firmly, giving his brother an intense stare until he met his eye again. “And I don’t regret it. Just like how I know you don’t regret-” The words almost didn’t come and he had to swallow hard to get them out. “-jumping in front of me to save my life. It’s what leaders do.” He squeezed Raph’s hand as tightly as he could. “It’s what brothers do.” 

“Yes, well, just don’t forget we care about you, dummy. Or we’ll be having this conversation again.” There was affection in Donnie’s tone, carefully reaching up to adjust Leo’s mask. However, the smile vanished a second later, hand gripping the mask tails and pulling hard. “And if you ever pull a stupid stunt like that again, I'll have both your legs surgically removed!” 

“And you mean it,” Mikey asked in a soft, anxious tone. “You won’t do that again. Promise?” 

Raph let out a long, pained breath, the tension seeming to leave his body a little, the creases in his brow fading. “Yeah, I guess it is. Just… promise me next time you won’t do it alone. Brothers help each other, too, y’know.” 

Leo nodded, smiling. “I promise.”

Donnie nodded back, accepting the answer, turning back to his invention but allowing Leo to linger.

Mikey beamed brightly, moving back to the stove to try and salvage the burnt broth.

Raph gave his brother a toothy grin, opening his arms up for a hug. Leo melted into it. 

“Soooo, do you forgive me?” 

Donnie hummed in thought. “While I am still notably mad at you, I suppose I can accept your apology. You are lucky you are insufferably endearing.” 

“Yeah I do,” Mikey said with such honesty and conviction it made Leo tear up again. 

“Of course I do, Leo,” Raph rumbled, holding his brother close to his chest. He nuzzled the top of his head. “I already did.” 

Leo hesitated, fearful of what he had to say next. 

“Do you still love me?”

He held his breath, terror more powerful than the Krang or the Prison Dimension pounding against his chest. 

Three brothers stared back and smiled. 

“Always.”

[im-yn-suckers]

part 2 to idols?

bae, anon, my love, loml, im so sorry for being so late ToT. i really didnt mean for it to be so late. i saw the ask the day i left for vacation and i didnt have service on the way. anywayyyy

Idols II

warnings: kinda sad ig. guess what, not proofread again. i know. im proud of myself too. lmk what i missed lmao

click here for part one

niki called you after your live and said he watched it. 'i told you theyd be happy!' 'i know, but i was worried my members would get mad, cho-gyung-unnie told me to be careful right before i left.' 'but, we're alright now.' 'Y/N! GET OVER HERE!! WE NEED TO TALK!!' 'well, then, y/n. seems like your in trouble.' 'i'll be there in a bit!!' 'well, bye baby. tell the girls i said hi' 'i will. bye baby. love you' 'love you too, bye' and just like that, you were running to your unnies room, prepering yourself for what was going to happen.

'I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL NOW YOUR TRENDIG ON TWITTER??' 'ok, unnie, before you say anything, i wore my hoodie, bucket hat, and sunglasses, so did niki.' and awkward smile came creeping up your face as se continued scolding you.

' y/n, you need to be careful. i know you havent had much time to experience teenager things but, please be careful. ever since music bank, youve came up as a trending topic on twitter. im serious, ive seen our fans go crazy over how you two were so comfortable with each other and how you stared at each other. evem the tiktok you made with him, everyone knew that you were more than friends, its obvious and since your solo is coming up that could have ruined things.' 'im sorry unnie, i just hadn't seen him in months other than,,, work.' 'i know, and i know that niki would fully take the blame for you. i love you and i dont tell you enough, y/n. just please. next time your doing something that fans dont know about be careful. i dont want anything to happen to you.'

'i know. i love you too.' you hugged your unnie and made up. 'uh, by tha way, niki says hi and hell buy us ramen to make up for it!' 'y/n, i have ears, all he said was that he sent greetings to us. nothing about ramen.' 'DAMNIT'

[arathergrimreaper]

So, I was accosted by some self-proclaimed Christian at the laundromat, right?

Keep in mind, I was minding my business as much as I could while waiting on my clothes to dry (forwent putting my earbuds in because it was too much hassle with my journal/sketchbook, my pen case, my bag, etc. and that seems to be how strangers in public fucking GET you so I will cease forgoing forthwith). She just comes up to me and hands me a card with her church and a QR code on it that, according to her, leads to "an important video" I just have to see. Mutuals, followers, cunt-rymen, when I say I never wished to have pyrokinetic abilities to be able to set it on fire in my hand more than at that moment....

Now, idk what tipped her off that I am one of those damned souls she's been indoctrinated to go after rather than doing anything actually fucking useful for the world (i mean, there are several genocides happening at the moment, pick one to help stop, why dontcha?). It might have been my lanyard which is rainbow, or my colored hair/piercings/tattoo, or the fact I was drawing gay aliens kissing but she just wanders over and politely...begins grilling me about where I live, where I work, how old I am, the afterlife, what I believe, if I think of myself as a good person, what would make me want to come to her church, etc (i did not tell her most of these things in any detail and it genuinely bothered me that she was asking. like I got warning bells about the fact she was asking).

Y'all already know what my queer, Pagan witch ass is about. I fucks with y'all. She had no idea, but all the audacity, apparently. Unfortunately, I still had 15 mins on my damn clothes so I had to play nice until I could leave.

She was genuinely surprised when I told her I don't consider myself a good person, nor really care all that much about the afterlife, including if there's a Hell or not. That I don't think you have to be a good person to do good things either. In Hellenic Polytheism, most people don't go to a paradise when they die. Or to Tartarus, unless they truly screwed the pooch somewhere. Elysium is meant for only the most impressive mortals, not necessarily what we would consider "good" in modern times. Heroes and demigods and the like. So, I don't subscribe to getting something necessarily better than this life after I die either. Said I would just be happy as long as there's no capitalism I have to live under when I die. She said 'I don't even know what capitalism is...'. That's when I knew, for certain, I didn't owe her a single damn explanation and started treating it like an interview upon receiving some kind of writing award or something.

She still kept trying to imply that I wasn't taking the threat of Hell seriously, but I also wasn't taking her seriously either. Woman is a teacher! Of little tots! Hope they tie her up with a jump rope on a spindly chair and wheel her ass into the closet. This who is shaping young minds and people really believe that crap about the old bigots dying off--they have already passed their bullshit on and it's running, footloose and fancy-free. Now, I honestly wish I hadn't held back about how much I hope I go to Hell just to beat the fuck outta Reagan.

I have not been able to stop thinking about this interaction and getting mad all over again, guys. Just mad that there are people like that in the world who would come up to anyone and start a theological debate when they aren't causing them a lick of harm. Someone who don't know shit about shit but wants to try and tell me what I should prioritize. People like this are running our country and making up our laws.

We were, like, the biggest mistake.

[silvertws]

Mh yes, I could have been obsessed over I don't know... mythology, dinosaurs, maybe some more known media like Percy Jackson.

But no.

I got obsessed, over Minecraft steves.

You've read that right.

FUCKING MINECRAFT STEVES.

CURSE YOU YOUTUBE FOR YOU PAGE.

I could have been watching maybe good quality Rps.

But no.

One video, and I was already hooked.

Goddamn it.

You know how many different series I've watched up until now?

Let me show you.

First video was episode 118 of "The Legends of the Balancers" back when it just came out, then I kept watching from there and after I finished that I decided to watch it from the start.

And you may think "surely 100+ episodes of a Minecraft Steve saga satisfied their needs" right...?

WRONG.

I.kept.going.

Bedrock Rising, Ruined Reality, Steve Saga (no, not Sabre's one, I tried that one but uh... I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it, I do love his newest series tho!), Ore Quest prime, A dark soul, Crimson Life Origins, and AT LEAST another one that I can't remember the name of- ToT it even was a log one I'm pretty sure. AHHHHHH

Oh and yes.

This all happened in less than a month.

I have a problem.

But it's fine :}

THIS IS MAKING ME WANT TO MAKE A FANON OC- WHY- WHY DO I EVEN HAVE A STORYLINE IN MIND- WHY AM I LIKE THIS.

AND. I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRAW THEM MFS-

LIKE WHAT.

like sure, I have head canons, I have made some sketches, BUT HOW.

Like, take FUCKING TIME STEVE-

IS IT A MASK? IS IT A FLOATING CLOCK HEAD? IS IT A CLOCK FUSED WITH HIS FACE?

I don't know.

It just exist.

oh and let's talk about THE FACT THAT THEY ALL WEAR THE SAME FUCKING SHIT-

MY MANS, I AM HORRIBLE AT DESIGNING OUTFITS, GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH PLEASE.

I am going insane.

I am now attached to all of these characters.

Yes.

All of them.

I cannot help myself.

I have low standards I know, I'm well aware-

Anyway.

Someone should really make a Bingo for those series like:

"Naive AF mc, Darkness Go brr, Fought a God, Got mind controlled, has multiple people in their head, is in the WRONG DIMENSION, uses a crystal of some sort, L i g h t, music is loud AF and I cannot hear what you're saying, puberty hit during the series so the voice just changed, Sabre (which, I can exuse cuz yk, it's Sabre), got created by an all powerful being, is supposedly very powerful but somehow loses pretty often ngl (sorry <3), amnesia..." and so.much.more.

Which isn't bad, cause they're all unique in their own way <3

I mostly find that funny :3 they are all based off the same thing after all, so it makes sense.

I swear I am a responsible and serious adult.

I just uh... Like funky stuff ig-

Don't come at me please :'}

I feel like you can see my road trip to madness here.

Don't worry, this happens everytime I hyperfixate on anything.

Well, anything that I can't really talk about with any of my friends because they don't know and I don't want to bother them because if I start talking about the lore...

I won't stop.

You will have to stop me, knock me out or something.

I know my friend will read this, so *hi* :}

[chichiricatsan]

For the Writer's ask game – I'm curious about: 3,6 and 15!

Ahh! Thank you, thank you @weer02! I hope your writing isn't causing you to suffer too much its way! Caulscott shippers unite...in our boats...on a sea of tears... ToT <3

3. The WIP you're most attached to.

UMMM...all...of...them?? GAHH this is such a loaded question gahhhhhhhhhh D: I love them all for various reasons. I guess if I had to pick one right now it'd be the Ryan Lucan/Fem!OC one I mentioned from my first answer to some of these asks - mostly b/c it's more of a coping fic for self-projection but shhhh, we writers don't do that nooooo SHHHHH...

6. Which part of writing annoys you the most?

Proofreading and editing, writer's block, the existential dread setting in and slipping slowly into madness as one tries to write and more WIP ideas invade like a swarm of locusts until one's mind is a buzzing static of nothingness...? Writing. I love it, but...I hate it all at the same time...?? I hate it with love of course. And in that love, I write out the hate. I am making noooo sense. Or possily the most sense. Hurgh. :T

15. Is there any scene you were/are scared of writing? Why?

Okay, haha funny gif, but seriously, it's mostly anything to do with affection beyond holding hands and/or outside "status quo" BS. This extends to my drawings as well. I've gotten better over the years, but it's because I've cut myself off from people who've f*cked with me and my sense of worth and sexuality and everything to do with sexual...anything. I was raised very, VERY conservatively, that "ugly" conservatism, and with a lot of shaming, and that shame is so ingrained in my brain that it sometimes makes me physically sick to get over these hurdles. I had to teach myself a lot and learned things from my mother (when she didn't have her own issues to address), friends, and some of my more compassionate and patient doctors over the years (which, sadly, wasn't all that many). These issues also align with my triggers as a survivor of abuse in multiple forms, and I have to work very hard to be in harmony before I can write or draw a scene with a more risqué nature. It's therapeutic to do so, and I admit I'm more comfortable somehow drawing it than writing it, but I think that just stems from me always drawing from a young age rather than writing--a hobby I picked up more at the tail end of high school and whilst in college. I still have yet to do anything past a certain threshold. Sometimes I just don't want to for personal preferences or reasons.

But yeah... tl;dr: I can't draw/write teh sexy times easily :(

-> OG link for anyone wanting to ask me questions or have others ask them!

[eddeearts]

Rica Lore!!💖✨💖

Heehee time for s dump of OC lore!! Featuring my fave Magical Girl oc, Rica Tulliana!!

here are some visual references of her, I haven't gotten around to drawing her myself for some reason (procrastination+perfectionism)

Behold: She ✨

Rica's eyes are usually Hazel, and her hair a light golden brown, but when she activates her magical girl powers her hair turns very golden, and her eyes are purple!

She's very, very sweet and kind. she loves few things more than making new friends or making people smile (real smiles). Her magical girl powers showed up when she was ~5, and due to the trauma from the monsters that were interested in that, she doesn't talk much about her life before.

Rica lives in a universe of my creation called Suradane. Suradane is a superhero type world. (Superpowers typically come from magical pollution, I'll post abt it sometime.) She has both Heroes and Villain that would do just about anything to keep her safe. which is unfortunately hard bc her powers are poorly controlled (shes like, 7, with at best a year of practice) and often attract monsters and stuff.

Food is important to Rica. it seems that she didn't always get enough to eat as a toddler, and so she has some food anxiety. for her, sharing food is the ultimate sing of affection. One of her fav foods it Bunny cut apples with peanut butter! Rica is so sweet and loves to share food with people share cares for, or anyone in her vicinity who seems down.

Rica is a sucker for food related nicknames/babynames/petnames, things like Cutie Pie, Honey Bun, Short Cake (cause she little), Peanut, Cupcake, Tater Tot, JellyBean, etc. Bonus, calling her "Berry Cute", and such also gets an adorable reaction.

Despite living in a world of superheroes no one has been able to find her bio family, so she has a bunch of found family members. finding a sitter for her is almost never hard, even though she tends to attract monsters. sometimes you get heroes yelling at villains to stop asking to babysit her. Or people telling her ex-assassin older brother to stop taking her without telling anyone, at which she gets mad bc she loves hanging out with her brother.

[straightjacket111]

i question myself alot.if im perfect. im enough. have i say smtg wrong. have i tried . have i gave up. am i even goodlooking. will i be locked . is this life. is this love . am i cursed . i question alot on me. most of the time i feel like theres no meaning in this world for whatever ive been through. but i tried my best. do i ?. i wanted peace. ive been looking for peace in so long. idk where is it. im lost. im hurt. i hate nyself. i lost hope. i wanted everything to be perfect but none have happen. we’ve been fighting for the past few days . i hated myself for that. i hate being weak. beinf controlled. controlled by my parents. i hate things happen in my way.like fuck shit happens. i wanted to marry my first love. but wanted to. but she wanna break up after everything happen. but im questioning if she love me. like how i love her. like things didnt go as planned when we want to get married. and i thought she said its fine. i know u tried but im not going anywhere. i thought she wud said dat. but no. it keep haunting me if she really love like she will go through everythinf with me. like. i cud imagine if my dad were to ask me tk get married amd she cant. i understand that. its hard on love. it hard to understand each other when both lovers couldnt understand each other. i admit it. but i do understand where shes coming from. i never want leave her like this. not even leavinf her at all. but i wish . js one day. when i did kms. i hope everyones happy living their own peace. without me burdening anything.

for my love . i love you always. i will always love you no matter how much u hurt me no matter how much anything happens. i love you. ure really one of the mosg best woman . i love you with my whole heart and i wish u know that i will go through eveything with u. ive always have ny eyes on u. only you and nvr anyone. u tried ur best. ur best to understand me. helped me. makw me happy. and everything else uve always been. but im sorry. im sorry i wasnt good enough. i didnt try wnough. and things didnt go as planned to make us married to each other but engaged. i know u nvr want that . and im sorry. i remember how happy and excited u were about us tunang with each other. ure the most cutest beautiful lazy with that wide smile. i miss you alot. i miss my nina where shes not worrying bout anyth but js to be with me as long im her side. i wish i cud really marry u but im trying. im trying everything i can i js hope u know what ive been go through to the point i hate myself. im sorry for hating myself. i really cant do anything because everying that is said in my head is true. but i love you alot u know that. i love you more to the point i dont love myself no more. uve always been my first love and no one cud replace dat. it sucks seing us like this. fighting with each other. and asking for break ups. u know i hate that . but its fine. ure mad. and i cant be mad because im stupid. i shouldnt even be mad. but i hope u cud see ur bracelet everday for what it says. because my mum still like u. my dad still say he like u. because uve made me happy. i hope u know that. i didnt wanna tell u cuz . nothing else can work . i cant do anything bout it. but trying tot think hard . harder than a math question the point im having migraines. ive been cryinf almost the wholeday nina. it sucks. i wan u here now. but fuck. i wish we could talk to each other again go through everything again. im sorry i keep making u doubts . and everyrhinf else. i hope u still love me for who i am. i hope u still want me for who i am. accept me. im js tired of this week. and i hope u know i will always love you

and to everyone. i hope u guys find peace and happiness . on urself. someone once said. theres always something u will love yourself . and that my first love. but it dont work on me anymore. thank you.

[anime-grimmy-art]

What do you do when there’s not much to an AU? You make up your own stuff, ofc. And as is per usual when I make Character Designs, I make up a shit ton of lore too.

The ramblings under the cut, but what I’m really interested in, is what you guys think. Do you guys have any headcanons/ideas for this AU? Let me hear them! Also, if you don’t wanna read on tumblr, here’s the Google Docs link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/151yshHxnb_--P6eMKkwkI2dee9xC_Llb/view?usp=sharing

Before I get into the characters’ roles, here’s some general facts and backstory of their town:

- Basically, it’s Undertale meets Harvest Moon / Stardew Valley. Well, kinda. I at least used that approach for coming up for the jobs for the characters. You know, how there’s always a general store, a doctor, a smithy, etc.

- The usual story of a HM game is that you come to a town that’s way past its glory days and you, as the player/farmer, help them get back to that. The “backstory” of the town is that that already kinda happened. I’ll get into it more in the character description, but basically when Asgore was still mayor, the town got really popular. Then yadda yadda, a certain tragedy happened, two kids died, and the town suddenly got very bad publicity. There was a lot of stuff going on back then, bad reputation being spread and also a lot of law stuff, cos, you know, supposed child murder ‘n all, so Asgore made the decision to shut off the town to ppl from outside. This was in the interest of most monsters living there, because as fun as it is to have a lot of people coming there, most just wanted to live a quiet life. Not everyone was happy with that though, so many moved away from town and some others are trying to get the town back on its feet. But more on that later.

On to the characters:

I’m just gonna start with the skelebros, cos it’s their fault in the first place I got so invested.

Basically, they are what the player is in hm/sdv. They just showed up one day, took over the abandoned farmhouse and began their life there. The two came to town way after it was “closed” and since then a new mayor has opened the possibility for new residents to move in. Their farm helps the economy of the town a lot and the mayor, like usually in hm games, is trying to use that to make the town more known again. The skelebros aren’t really working towards that goal however.

So, now a bit more detail on them individually.

Papyrus:

- The design is mostly based on what’s “canon” in this au.

- He works mostly on the fields and is in charge of the crops. Their fields aren’t spectacularly big, but still big enough to plant a few dozen rows of veggies. 

- Paps also helps out a lot in town when he has the time. He helps Asgore with his plants, he goes fishing with Undyne, helps Toriel carry crates around and so on. This is inspired by the part-time job mechanic in HM ToT.

- Unbelievably, in this AU Pap is not an absolutely awful cook. Since he helps out at Muffet’s and Grillby’s a lot, they tend to show him some tricks to cooking. Even though Pap’s not a big fan of the greasy or overly sweet cooking those two do, he picks up a lot.

Sans:

- Again, design mostly based on the “canon” look. Maybe a bit more baggy.

- This is finally an AU this dude gets to rest. Since there are no resets and he doesn’t have to see his bro die again and again, for once in his life, he’s not a sad ball of depression. He’s just a chill and lazy dude that loves to make puns. Though, since he’s not too experienced with the feelings of loss, helplessness or grieving, he still tends to hide behind puns and fakes smiles if he does feel bad.

- Sans is in charge of the animals on the farm. Papyrus begrudgingly gave him that role since Pap’s loud demeanour and hectic movements usually scare the animals. Sans’ relaxed attitude draws the animals to him naturally and even if Pap mostly finds him sleep against a tree, in a stack of hay or on one of the sheep, the animals are always fed, healthy and relaxed, so Sans seems to be doing his job.

- Sans always has a small chic sit inside his hoodie or hat. Is it always the same one? Who knows, maybe.

- Sans also, somehow, can produce eggs out of thin air. Grab into his hoodie pocket, in his pants pocket, in his hat, in his slipper, there’s suddenly always an egg there. On good days he can even make butter or cheese appear. 

Gaster:

- He’s literally just a scarecrow in this. Though, if you ask any of the bros why they designed their scarecrow that way, they won’t have an answer.

Frisk&Toriel:

- Frisk is mostly based on what I wore myself as a kid in summer. Just a loose shirt with a cappy. Toriel basically has her ut gown, just with an apron on top.

- Frisk just appeared outside the “magical” forest one day. Napstablook and his cousin found them and brought them to Toriel, who has been taking care of them since.

- Toriel runs the general store in town, but also often takes care of the few kids that still live there.

- Frisk usually helps out in Toriels store, plays with the other kids or sits around at Asgore’s. They’re notorious for nabbing small snacks, mostly from Asgore’s plants. You’ll always find them munching on something. 

- Frisk was in town before the skelebros. Since they’d moved in, Frisk often went to spy on their farm. After a small incident with angry chicken, Frisk got to know the two better and now they see them as something between brothers and uncles.

- But Frisk honestly gets along with everyone. Just like in UT, they’ve not only been adopted by Toriel but literally everyone.

- Toriel and Asgore’s relationship is not as bad as in the main game, since, you know, Asgore didn’t kill literal children, but there’s still tension between them. Back when Asriel and Chara died and the whole thing with the bad rep for the town began, Toriel felt betrayed by Asgore focusing more on the town than giving their deceased kids the grieving they deserved. They’re not divorced, but Toriel still moved out and said needed space to think. Now that Frisk is in the picture though, the both of them are slowly coming to even ground and may even be able to talk things out and clear up the uncertainty of their decisions.

Asgore:

-Asgore has his UT Ending / Deltarune clothes, just with a gardener’s belt.

- He’s the previous mayor of the town, but after all the crap that happened, he stepped down from the position. Now he has his own little shop and sells seeds, saplings, homegrown veggies and fertilizer. So, basically what e.g. the Marimba Farm is in HM AP

- His main customer is Papyrus and they’re on friendly terms. Asgore is worried about how much and how hard Pap works, so he often gives him a discount. 

- Since his family’s past tragedy, Asgore is kind of nervous around kids. So, when he first met Frisk, he hoped they’d not visit him too often. But to his chagrin, Frisk took an instant liking to him and spends a lot of time at his shop (and steals eats the fresh grown veggies). Now, he’s really grateful for that, because for one, he loves Frisk as dearly as he had his own children, and also because now the tension and mistrust between him and Toriel seem to grow smaller day by day.

Undyne&Alphys:

- I gave Undyne a pretty basic fisher’s outfit. Alphys basically has Elli from HM’s outfit, just a bit more doctory stuff added. She still has her canon lab coat too.

- In essence, Undyne and Alphys have 2 completely different jobs. Alphys is the resident doctor and Undyne runs the fish market.

Two things. Yes, I know Alphys is more a mechanic than a doctor, she fits the aesthetic though, so she’s the doc now. And no, Undyne being a fisherwoman is not cannibalism, think of it more as a shark hunting smaller fish.

- The reason I lump them together is because they act as the local “smithy”. Alphys is still really tech savvy in this (I mean, Mettaton is still part of this AU), so she takes on most problems with electronics and stuff. For Undyne, I didn’t want to lose her Royal Guard’s Captain image, so she’s really good at handling tools (and weapons, but Al doesn’t let her make them anymore). So basically, if there’s a broken tool, you can be sure that either Undyne or Alphys can fix it.

- As for relationships, those two are still an item. Alphys is still really shy and a shut-off, but since Undyne and Pap become best friends, she gets to know the skelebros better. She and Sans especially get along well, since most of the time Undyne and Papyrus are let loose, they sit back and talk about science-y stuff. (no, Sans doesn’t have a background in science but he’s still into sci-fi)

- Alphys has a bit of a strained relationship with both Asgore and Mettaton.

Back when Chara and Asriel died, it was because of “illness” (maybe poisoning?). Alphys feels awful because with her back then limited knowledge on medicine she couldn’t help the two. Asgore doesn’t hold anything against her but Alphys can’t help but feel guilty.

Alphys still built Mettaton’s body in this one. The two had a really big disagreement, because Mettaton hated the fact the town was going to close, and he couldn’t understand how Alphys could feel otherwise, even more so endorse the idea.

Mettaton, Napstablook, Mad Dummy/Mew Mew:

- Napsta and Dummy are pretty self-explanatory, they got straw hats. Mettaton’s outfit is a bit of a joke cos it’s a play on “work at the top and party at the bottom”. The tie has two different sides, one with the yellow red pattern, the other completely red. His “top part” is the business part, because when he’s on tv or in the mayors’ office, you don’t usually see his feet. The bottom is his party/dance part, cos his dancing/entertainment channels mostly feature his legs. 

- Mettaton, still a robot, Napstablook and Mad Dummy are all still cousins in this AU.

- Originally, they all lived and worked at the Blook Farm, the Animal Farm of this AU. Mettaton, however, despised that simple live and after befriending Alphys and her building him a body, he left the Farm to pursue bigger things. 

- Mettaton runs the local tv network. From weather to game shows, he does it all. He also runs the tailor shop in town that sells his designer clothes and merchandise. After Asgore stepped down, Mettaton also took over the role of town’s mayor and now works towards making the place more known again. Not everybody is happy with him doing that though.

- One of those people is the Mad Dummy. He can’t stand people anyways and he always claims that history would just repeat itself.

- Since the whole family is made of ghosts, they have different dummies and scarecrows they can use to take care of the animals. To mock Mettaton and kinda get back at Alphys for giving MTT such an opportunity, Mad Dummy found the blueprints for the Mew Mew robot and now modelled one of their scarecrows after it. 

- Napstablook isn’t fond of taking over obejcts like his cousins do, so he mostly takes care of the snails. Somehow, he can interact with them even when incorporeal. 

Muffet&Grillby:

- The two of them run the Inn together. Muffet cooks in the daytime and makes desserts, Grillby manages the bar in the evening. 

- The two still can’t really stand each other but working together like this benefits them both because their rivalry just spurs them on more.

- Even though Grillby is a patient person, somehow Muffet is the only person who riles him up enough to retaliate. (Well, maybe except for Sans, he’s a strong second).

So, basically everything between those two is a challenge in some way. Even if Papyrus doesn’t notice, even his cooking lessons are a challenge for them. 

- Even though they’re constantly bickering, after working together for so many years, there’s a strange level of respect and trust between them. Even if back when they first started this business, they’d pour salt into an already open wound, nowadays they’d know better and just take a step back from the other or even comfort the other (on very rare occasions only). 

Asriel&Chara:

- They be dead. Kinda.

Some Characters that’d live in that town too but that I haven’t made designs for:

- Gerson is the original smithy of the town. He’d grown up in a family of smiths, but he’d always had an appreciation for the sea. That’s why, when the town became more deserted and Undyne had a good enough skill level as smith, he took up the Captains hat and now mostly spends his days out on sea. He also ferries people to places if they need him to. Oh, and just like in canon, Undyne learned most of her skills from him.

- Burgerpants is a poor dude Mettaton basically kidnapped when he was trying to get fame in the city. Now Burgerpants works wherever MTT needs him to, be that as cameraman for the tv shows, cashier in his tailor shop or his slave secretary in the mayor’s office.

- MK is Frisk’s best kid friend. MK’s parents are in charge of shipping the goods out of town and paying the individual people. MK’s the one that usually collects the goods at the end of the day.

- Other than that, there are only a few people in town. I’d imagine the older folks or the really young families stayed in town after it was closed. I think the librarby dude would still run the library. Some Snowdin residents like the stone family or the dogs also might still live there. 

[girl8890]

Hearts Game

Smile With Teeth (Part 2)

{ Alice in Borderland Master List }

Summary: You just saved Nirgai from being close to death and are trying to nurse him back to health. You find out the game he just played was the 10 of Hearts game, and decide to keep him around, so he can help you gain that exact same card. Instead of finding out anything about the game, you figure out you just joined forces with a mad man, and now have to suffer the consequences...

Warnings: Spoilers for the manga & show, Attempt at rape, Talks about bullying. 

Notes: I also posted this on AO3 if you want to read it there. Here’s the LINK. Sorry this chapter doesn’t involve Chishiya, but the next one will have him in it I promise! 

AIB ML | Index | Part 3

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

By the time I got this burnt up tater tot, Nirgai he said his name was, back to my hideout I was beyond exhausted. I threw him on the ripped up couch and he screamed again in agony. I covered my ears and rolled my eyes at his dramatics.

“Do you mind keeping it down? There's a reason why I called this my secret hideout.”

We haven't talked much since I picked him up from the rubble leftover of that arena, but I do specifically remember telling him to stay quiet when we got inside here. My hideout is no more than a scrappy house that was defiantly apart of the bad areas in Tokyo. It wasn't a place I would want to move in myself, but its perfect when you don’t want anyone expecting where your hiding in Borderland.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Nirgai screamed at me in agony again. This just made him move more, so he brought himself more pain. I rolled my eyes at his stupidity. While he was laying on the broken down couch, I walked into the bathroom of the home I was staying in to find some burn cream. If it’s one thing I know, is that burn cream works wonders on burned skin. With Niragi’s burns though, there's no way he’ll ever recover from what happened to him. 

If I found him in the real world, I would have brought him to a hospital and let the doctors deal with him. Don’t get be wrong, I’m not completely helpless, it’s just medical stuff is not my expertise. I’m marrying a doctor for Gods sake! 

Let me deal with the mind shit, and he deals with the medical shit. 

But of course, I now have to play doctor and get this man to stop wailing in pain. Why did I agree to help him again? 

When I returned to Niragi, his face was all scrunched up and his eyes were screwed shut. Even someone who doesn’t have a license to figure out how someone was feeling, would know he was in pain right now. 

I sat down on the side of the couch and squirted a bunch of the burn cream on my hand. Then I, very gently, put my hand onto Niragi’s stomach. Within a second, his hand was on my wrist, and stopping me from doing anything. 

“What the Fuck do you think you're doing?”

I rolled my eyes at him again. 

“Trying to feel you up, what do you think I’m doing? You have terrible burns all over you, and from just seeing the aftermath of that game arena, I can tell these burns are from that. I’m putting burn cream on you, so it can relieve your pain, and hopefully shut you the Hell up.”

I finished with a wide, fake smile. Nirgai scoffed and let go of my wrist. While I was spreading the cream around his torso, I saw in the corner of my eye that he looked to be searching for something.

“What you looking for tater tot?”

He practically growled at me when I said his nickname. 

“Don’t call me that, and I’m looking for my gun. Where’s my gun?”

I looked at him confused. There was nothing on him, but the ripped up shirt around his face and his burnt up black pants, when I found him. If there was a gun on him then, it’s long gone now.

“I don't know about your-”

He cut me off right away. 

“Fucking fantastic! First the 10 of Hearts game then that bitch Chi-”

I cut him off this time. 

“You played a 10 of Hearts game?”

My eyes went wide and I sounded kinda cheery about the fact that a 10 of Hearts game existed. Nirgai looked at me like I was nuts from my tone of voice I had about this new information.

“Yeah - That’s what that fire was. It was the aftermath of the Hearts game.”

I’ve done a lot of games these past few months. A Hearts game was the first game I entered when I was dropped into this terrible place. The worst day of my life, and it wasn't even because of the game. It was the first time I woke up and didn’t receive a call from Chishiya. We were supposed to move in together that day, but it never happened because I was sent here. 

I hope he doesn’t think I didn’t want to get married to him anymore, and decided to ghost him. I hope he’s waiting for me and thinking I was kidnapped, or have been in an accident, literally anything else then think I left him. Chishiya seems very shallow and cold on the outside, but on the inside he has so many worries and fears. 

He still tries to hide those fears from me, but his secrets became clear as day when he decided to fall for a mental health counselor. My goal everyday is to make him feel safe, and remind him he has someone to talk to. He does talk to me about his worries sometimes, but it’s always when he's feeling vulnerable. I know not everyone likes to spill their deepest feelings, especially to a person in my field, but I like to think I’m the only ear Chishiya trusts to talk to about these things. 

I can’t wait to be that person again. 

I don’t realize I’m in deep thought, thinking about Chishiya, until Nirgai snaps his fingers in my face. I blink a couple times, then look at him.

“Were you just daydreaming? I know I'm sexy, but the real things in front of you sweetheart.”

Nirgai wiggles his tongue at me suggestively. I see then that my earlier suspicions of him having a tongue piercing were correct. I nearly gag from his advances, then throw the burn cream at him. I stand up and walk to the chair on the other side of the room.

“Yeah, no thanks. I have a fiancé back home and I rather not do anything with a person like you.”

He takes the burn cream in his hand and looks at it like I just threw a science project at him to do. Then, when my words finally register to his ears, he looks at me like I'm crazy for the second time today. Except this time, I don’t understand why. 

“What do you mean ‘person like me?’ I’m not the one that got horny at the sound of a Hearts game.”

I scoffed at his comment. How lewd can this guy possibly get?

“I didn’t get horny! It's just I've been waiting for the 10 of Hearts game to show itself.”

“Yeah, and why's that?”

Niragi wasn’t looking at me when he asked that question, to focused pouring the burn cream on himself, but his head whipped right back to me when I said,

“It’s the only card I need.”

His eyes went wide, and if I could see his entire face, I would say he looked shocked. 

“What do you mean the only card you need?! You got all the cards, but the 10 of Hearts? That’s impossible.”

I rolled my eyes at him for the third time. If I keep rolling my eyes at his stupid words, my eyes may just roll into the back of my skull. That’s not what I meant at all, but I guess I can understand why he would take my words out of context. 

“No, stupid head. The only Hearts game card I needed left.”

I stand up from my seat and go to the cabinet above the tipped over fridge. I take out every card I've earned since entering this world and show him them.

1 Spades, 2 Clubs, 4 Diamonds, and 9 Hearts.

It put a lot of pain on my mind and body to get these cards, but I got them all myself. 

Nirgai looked a little less impressed now but still shocked. “Your specialty Hearts?”

“Yup.” 

That was all I could say really. It wasn't exactly something to be proud of, but did come in handy when it came to me surviving. 

Nirgai and I didn’t say much to each other for the rest of the night. He messed around with the burn cream a bunch and I heard him hiss a couple times when it came to a sensitive spot. I found a comfy spot on the nearly destroyed mattress in the corner. This is where I've been sleeping most nights since I got here. It was near the window, so I could look at the stars in the sky. 

If we were in the real Tokyo, I wouldn’t be able to see this many stars at night. It makes me sad knowing me and Chishiya aren't sleeping under the same sky anymore. It’s weird because on nights like these, when I'm able to sit down and think about my life right now, it feels like he isn’t worlds away.

It still feels like he’s just a phone call away, but I know that’s not true. The only way I'll ever see Chishiya now is by dreaming. The only way I can see him ever again is by getting back to the real world. I know I need all the cards to do so. I figured that out pretty quick and told this guy my theory during a game a couple of weeks back. 

He coined himself as the Hatter. When he told me that, I knew I could trust him with my theory. Crazies got to stick together after all. He told me that makes perfect sense and was surprised he didn’t think of that himself. He wanted me to come back to his ‘Beach?’ 

I don’t know what he was talking about when he told me he was staying at a beach in Tokyo, but after the games, we parted ways because I didn’t want to involve myself with people if I didn’t need to. 

His confirmation of my theory was all I needed to make it a part of my goal. I was so close to getting all the cards I needed to go home. To go home, and see my beloved again. To hold him in my arms, and run my fingers through his long blonde hair. To tell him how much I love him, and that I've thought about him every second when I was away.

I need to get back to him, and maybe - just maybe - Niragi can help me do that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning Nirgai decided to follow me into town since I needed more supplies. I stressed the fact to him that he shouldn't be moving around so much in his condition, but he’s too stubborn to listen to me.

We both saw these giant blimps with face cards hanging off of them and both understood at the exact same time what it meant... the second stage of the games has started. I’m not sure who did it, but someone got all the numbered cards. This just means all I need to do is find that person and start collecting all the face card with them. Just one step closer to being with Chishiya again, so close I can practically taste it. 

But right now, my main goal is to get more food. 

When we arrive to the corner stores I always go to on supply runs, Nirgis eyes light up. He still has the make swift mask on, made out of a shirt, but he must of messed with it while I was sleeping because now I can see his eyes a lot better.

I look at him in confusion as to what could have created this reaction out of him. I was about to ask him, but before I could get the words out, he sprints towards the gun store in-between an abandoned convenient store and a clothing store.

I sigh to myself at the fact I’m basically deciding to stay around a adult sized child. If guns are one of the things that make Niragi happy, there's defiantly worse things he has hidden away in that mind of his that bring him joy that are much worse. 

I’m only using Niragi to my advantage, but it wouldn’t hurt to know what makes him tic. I’m using him because he got out of a 10 of Hearts game. If I get him to open up to me more, maybe he’ll spill what it was like. If I never find the person that got all the number cards, I'll have to resort back to my original plan again.

I jog after him and into the store. When I enter the store, I see most on the shelves are already empty. It seems people most likely already raided this store for the same thing Niragi wanted. 

As I look around in search for Niragi, he's no where to be found. 

“Niragi!”

I call out to him but theres no answer. I weave my way through a bunch of shelves to try to find him until I get to a shelf that actually has one last gun left on it with a few boxes of bullets to match. 

I pick up the heavy gun and my noodle arms almost drop it from the amount of weight it has to it. I look to see if there's any labels so I can identify what type of gun it is. When I look back at the shelf, I see right next to the box of bullets that it says clear as day in red letters, ‘SNIPER RIFEL.’

I was about to turn and call out to Niragi, that I found a gun, but the words were knocked out of me when I get tackled to the ground. 

My back hits the floor of the gun store, and the wind gets knocked out of me for a second. I look up to see who's pinning me to the ground, and I see Niragi there with something other than just joy in his eyes. 

He pries the gun from my hands and sits up on his knees, not moving, so I can’t get up. 

When he looks at the snipper rifle in his hands, he looks like he just won the lottery.

“Do you know what this gun is?”

His voice sounds different right now. He sounds like a mad man that was just put into the mental health ward for burning down a building of school children. I start to feel frightened by being under the grasp of Nirgai, so I just shook my head as an answer. 

“This gun - is what I'm going to use on the guy who did this to me.” He points at his face to show he meant the burns. “THIS gun, is going to end the mans life that turned me into this!”

Nirgai removed his makeshift face covering and I stared at him wide eyed. From the state of his burns, and by hearing what he was saying, I now understood him getting burned wasn't an accident. It wasn’t even a part of the games. Whoever did this to him, wanted to purposely kill him. They wanted Niragi to die in one of the worst of ways too. 

It's then I realize my plan of having Nirgai around wasn't a good idea. No one deserves to be burned to death, or even close to it, but they did this specifically to him. He’s not just an asshole, he’s crazy. And not my type of good crazy. The type of crazy that I treat at the mental ward of the hospital - THAT type of crazy. 

As I was analyzing all of the new information I just gathered from Nirgai, he was looking at me with whole new eyes. He licked his lips and it made me shiver in disgust. Niragi reached behind him and took the box of bullets into his hands. 

I was about to start wrestling him into getting him off of me, but he pinned down my arms before I could even wiggle an attempt to get free from him. He leaned down close to me until he was right in front of my face. I faced away from him and felt his tongue lick the side of my face. 

“N-Niragi - What are you doing?”

I hear him messing with the box of bullets, and hear a few of them fall to the ground. After a few seconds, I then hear him cock the gun, meaning he's loaded it. When I still haven’t gotten an answer, I turn my face to look at him but instead see the inside of the barrel of the gun.

This time, I speak to him more firmly. 

“Niragi, what are you doing? You can’t just shot me after I practically saved your life.”

Niragi chuckles at my attempt to stirring him off the track of his desires. I feel his hand go underneath my top and my entire body goes stiff. My breathing starts to be irregular, and I just now understand what he wants to do with me.

“Shot you? No, princess. I don't want to shoot you. Not yet anyway. Why would I want to shoot you when I can use you for much more fun reasons.” 

He pulls my top up a few inches and licks my stomach with one long swipe. I swallow even though my throat has gone dry. I try to think of what to say to him that can make him feel different about you. Something that will make him realize this is not the way to go. 

It's then I remember all my god damn years in college. I learned about the minds of people who raped and killed for pleasure. I just have one right in front of me, wanting to do those exact things to me now. Time to be a therapist. 

“It's for power isn’t it?” He freezes in his spot right above my stomach. “Someone, or some people, didn’t treat you the way you deserved, and now you take it out on others.” He sits up and looks at you. “So now, you rape and kill people so you can feel like the stronger being. Is that it?” I think what I said was the right things. Actually, I know I was spot on correct. By the way he’s looking at me now, I can tell. It's then I try out one of your favorite theoretical orientation on him: The Empathy Method.

“M-my fiancé has parents that neglected him. I don’t know if the people that made you feel this way were your parents, but I understand what you're feeling because I love someone who feels the same. Who feels like they have no power in their life, so would rather do whatever they can to gain that power back. If its by becoming a doctor to save lives they don’t care about or - or rape and kill people, either way you’re trying to gain that power... but this isn't how you should do it, Nirgai. This really isn’t.” 

Nirgai is frozen in place. His hand is still up my shirt and pinning my arms above me, but he’s unmoving. He's no longer looking at me like his next victim, but like a human being instead. A human being that just said all his intentions, and mapped out his life out loud. 

You both sit in silence for a couple minutes. I don’t move or say anymore because I want him take everything I just said in. I did my job and that’s to understand what he’s feeling, now it’s his turn to take it all in.

“I was in highschool.”

That’s all he said, but I made sure to stay still and listen to him. If I were to interrupt him now, it would break the bond between us two that I just created. That bond being I am the only person in Borderlands right now, that's willing to understand him. 

“I-it was in highschool - when I figured out my life had no purpose. I would get treated like trash from these guys and just - I don’t know. I never saw them after high school, but when I got here, my life became different. This place gave me a chance to be in power for once. Now, every time I point my gun at someone, I think about their faces... I think about their faces, and pull the trigger.”

I blink a couple times, and now it's my turn to take it all in. Niragi most likely just told me something he’s never told anyone before, so I need to pick the right words to say.

“I understand you want revenge Niragi, it’s not easy going through the years that are supposed to be the best for you and they actually end up being your worst - but you also can’t take out your anger on other people. Those guys that bullied you back then, they're not here now. You’ll probably never see them here or in the real world again, so the best thing you can do is not let it affect all your decisions. By letting what those guys did to you affect your life now, you're just letting them continue keeping that power over you.” 

Another long stretch of silence was between you both. Luckily, after the silence, Niragi got off of me and actually helped me up. 

He didn’t apologize, or say anything about what just happened, and neither did I. One really good talk won’t cure him of his problems, but I’m just happy he won’t be trying to pull a fast one on me like that in the near future. 

When you both exit the store, and start walking in the direction of the hideout, Niragi is the one that speaks up first. 

“Sooo, what's your fiancé’s name?”

I laugh at the awkwardness of his question. I never told anyone about my fiancé, or anything about my personal life to anyone in the Borderlands. I learned early on that it’s best to keep everything outside Borderlands a secret. When in doubt, you're the only one to trust. 

But then again, Nirgai did just spill a lot of his personal life to me. So, it wouldn't exactly be fair for me to know all this about him and he knows nothing about me.

“Chishiya.” He stops walking. “Shuntarō Chishiya.” 

After I walked forward a few more steps, I realize Niragi stopped walking next to me. I turn around to look at him and he’s sporting a face I can't quite read. 

“Everything okay, Niragi?”

I see a slight smirk stretch onto his lips.

“Everything’s perfect.”

Then he walks past me in the direction of my hide out. 

Hmm, weird.

-

-

-

(Part 3)

[midnightstar-90]

Live Laugh Love~ Georgie Cooper x Reader

A/N: This is actually the 4th part, but I forgot to post it on tumblr. Hope you enjoy.

Summary: Sheldon refuses to eat solid food after a choking scare.

My Masterlist | My Taglist

A Therapist, A Comic Book, and A Breakfast Sausage

Y/N's POV

After my parents died and George's near-death experience you would think that this family would be tired of scaring me, but now, let me tell you why.

Missy, Sheldon, and I were sitting at the table eating our breakfast that Mary made. Georgie was at the counter putting jelly on his toast. Mary starts to rush us, so that we're not late for school.

Sheldon started choking on his breakfast, but Missy took it as Sheldon making faces. I look up, and my eyes widen like a deer in headlights. "Missy, he's not making faces on purpose. He's choking," I say scared. Mary hears me and rushes over to Sheldon.

Georgie continues to jelly his toast, and I run to get George. I quickly hear Georgie say, "I wish she would run that quick when I need her." I roll my eyes and keep going.

George makes it to the table and tries to smack the sausage out of Sheldon's mouth. Missy yells out, "Sheldon's gonna die! Sheldon's gonna die!" I knew she was scared, so I didn't say anything. What I did see was Georgie continuing to eat, while his brother was choking. I looked at my best friend and glared. He just shrugged his shoulders in response.

I turn back around to see George has flipped Sheldon upside down and was trying to shake it out of him. Mary calls 9-1-1 and I remember something I learned in Health class. "George, Heimlich!" I yell out just before Mary.

George goes for the Heimlich, and Sheldon spits out the sausage. I saw Sheldon look at something before he spits out his food. I looked and there goes Georgie licking his jelly knife.

Mary is quick to see if her son is okay. He says, "you have to... throw away... that jelly!" Georgie just looks at him, and I look at Georgie.

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At School

I close my locker, which is right next to Georgie's. "I should have shoved that knife down your throat," I say as we start to walk to class. "Why, what did I do?" I scoff and side-eye the boy. "Your brother was on the verge of death, and you just sit there eating toast" "It's not like I could have done anything," he says casually. I walk off angry.

We make it to class on time. We sat down and our teacher started telling us about the canned food drive. When Sheldon walked in, she stopped her talk with us to see why Sheldon was late. She read the note Mary gave to Sheldon and was immediately heartbroken. "You poor thing, you had a medical emergency?" The teacher asked the 9-year-old.

"How come the teacher has more sympathy for your brother than you do?" I sarcastically ask. Georgie just shrugs again. I turn back in my seat to face the front with a 'humph'.

Sheldon explains to the teacher that he choked on a sausage. The students start laughing at Sheldon. I stand up angry, "You better shut it, before I shove a sausage down your throat!"

Georgie looks at me scared. He should be scared. Just because I'm a girl does not mean I don't know how to defend myself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me and Georgie were at lunch. I look over to see if Sheldon was okay. He was just staring at his sandwich. "Why are you staring at Sheldon?" Georgie asks as I get up. I start heading for Sheldon as I say back, "because I care about him." Georgie just goes back to eating.

I walk over to Sheldon and Tam. "Hey Sheldon, aren't you gonna eat your food?" I say worried. "No, I'm not hungry," Sheldon says looking down. "I offered him my soup," Tam says.

I wonder what's going on. All I know is this Tam kid is freaking me out. Ever since I met the kid, every time I come near him he gives me googly eyes.

"Well, if you want, one of the seniors bought me a smoothie," I offer the worried child. "Is it organic," Sheldon asks. "I think so. He got it from that new smoothie place," I say nodding my head. "Sure." Hearing those words made me happy. I went to grab the smoothie and then gave it to him. I went back over to Georgie with a smile.

Sheldon's POV

"Dang, she shares food and she's hot. You got one hot friend," Tam says watching the girl who's like my sister walk away. I sip the smoothie before saying, "one, she's my brother's best friend, and two, she's like my sister." Tam looks disappointed, but I just finish the smoothie.

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Y/N's POV

Dinner

We were all sat down for dinner when Meemaw starts talking about Mr. Rosenbloom. "You know that Mr. Rosenbloom with the furniture store over by the steakhouse?" Connie asks Mary. Mary tells her mother that she doesn't know. Connie tries to remind Mary by calling the man a 'Hebrew fella with the comb-over'.

Mary corrects her mother, but Meemaw didn't really care. George just drinks his beer, while we ate our food.

Meemaw tells us that Mr. Rosenbloom asked her to dinner. My ears perk up and I say, "awe Meemaw, that's great." Mary asked her if she was gonna say yes, but Meemaw makes an inappropriate comment. "Okay Meemaw, I see you!" I say cheering her on.

Mary corrects both of us. Meemaw defends with, "What? I said 'dessert'." She turns to us and says, "I figured from the cheering that Y/N knew what I meant, but did you kids know that I was talking about sex?"

I knew Georgie knew. But Sheldon gives a confused face then says "no".

Mary notices that Sheldon wasn't eating. "Why aren't you eating?" Mary says. Sheldon tells his mother that he's scared to eat. George thought it was because of the food touching, but Sheldon says he's afraid he'll choke again.

Meemaw didn't know that Sheldon choked on a sausage. Me and Georgie explain our morning to her. "Sheldon almost died this morning," I started. "Dad was shaking him upside down like a ketchup bottle," Georgie followed.

Mary continues to try to get him to eat, but Sheldon doesn't budge. "Dibs on the tater tots," Georgie says earning a smack on the arm from me. "What? you want some." I roll my eyes continuing to eat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day was the same way. Sheldon didn't want to eat, so Georgie stole his food. I look to Meemaw and say, "I offered him a smoothie yesterday and he drank it just fine." Connie gets an idea and offers up to blend up his food. She leaves to go blend his food, and I give Sheldon a smile and a thumbs up.

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Georgie and I were finishing up getting ready for school. I was brushing my teeth, and Georgie was checking out his hair. "Are you still not talking to me? It's been almost a week. Speaking of which, where have you been. Except for practice, home, and school, I don't see you anywhere," Georgie says turning to me.

I spit the toothpaste out, rinse my mouth, and then turn to the boy. I fix one of his hairs and walk off. Even mad, I still care for the boy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Georgie didn't know about me was that ever since before my parents died I loved superheroes. Their powers and backstories always amazed me. When I learned to read, I asked Mary and George for a comic. Now, every month, Mary and George give me $5 to pick out comics.

I was sat in the back corner of the comic store. I was a usual customer, so the owners would always tell me when there are new installments. I like the Avengers, a lot of them have a backstory similar to mine, like Spider-man or Ironman.

The bell to the door rings, and I see a certain little boy walk in. 'Isn't he supposed to be at therapy? Since when does Sheldon like comics?' I don't interact with him, I just watch.

He wants an X-men comic. Then I notice Tam, which I don't remember him coming in. They have a conversation until Sheldon keeps walking and runs into me.

I give him a very suspicious-looking look. "Aren't you supposed to be in therapy?" I ask with an eyebrow raised. "Yes, but I have to find out what happens in X-men #137." I laugh and show him where it is.

"Listen, I've had my problems. I've been to therapy. I know things can be scary, but we have to learn to face our fears. Your parents must be worried. You can't run from things you don't like," I try my best to help him. "Here let me show you something."

I take Sheldon to my corner in the back, and I show him my comics. "I read these comics because they remind me of me and my fears. They help me, and they could possibly help you too." I say before seeing Tam, "Tam! here I'll show you." I invite Tam to read with us.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Georgie's POV

Missy, Meemaw, and I all decided to get a blizzard from Dairy Queen. We started talking. "Meemaw, are you ever gonna have any more babies?" Missy asked. Meemaw exclaims, "Good Lord, no!" "She's too old to have any more babies," I say.

Meemaw tells us, "Don't have to have 'em. You live long enough, your hair and your teeth start falling out, you start wetting the bed, you get to be one." I laugh and say, "haha, that's funny. We're gonna have to put a diaper on you." "You won't be laughing when you're doing it," she says, "I might be." We all laugh.

I continue to eat my blizzard when Missy asks Meemaw who's smarter besides Sheldon and Y/N. We argue a bit about it, but Meemaw says it's not about them.

"Yeah right, everything is always about Sheldon. Y/N won't talk to me, because Sheldon forgot to chew," I say, sad because I miss my best friend. "Yeah, sometimes it's like we don't exist."

Meemaw looks at us and says, "I guess Sheldon does get most of the attention. Maybe that's a good thing. If it weren't for him your parents would be on your ass all the time. And Georgie, don't you think that maybe, Y/N was scared because she already lost two of the most important people in her life, and almost another. That girl has been part of our family for years, and no matter who it is, she will still be scared to lose another family member."

"Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way before," I say thinking about how our lives could be different without Sheldon. I also never gave Y/N's emotions about the incident much thought.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N's POV

I guess what I said helped Sheldon because he ate that piece of licorice-like a boss.

Tam, Sheldon, and I were walking home. We see police officers at our house. Tam dips, but not before yelling at me, "Call me, beautiful!" I cringe and walk home.

We make it into the house, and Sheldon is immediately yelled at. Mary thanks me for bringing him home, but I tell her that that is what family does. She smiles and I go to talk to Georgie.

"Hey," I call out knocking on his open door. "You're talking to me now?" Georgie asks putting away his magazine. "Well, I'm in a good mood. Sheldon faced his fear of chewing, partly because of me," I say giving myself a pat on the back.

"Well, I'm happy for you. And I know before I didn't really pay attention to your feelings, but I want you to know I'm sorry." Georgie hugs me and I hug him back. "Sheldon and I stopped by DQ for a blizzard, but I couldn't finish mine. You want it?" "Sweet! I get my Best Friend back and another blizzard."

I laugh and start to head out. "Good night," is all I hear before entering my room.

[fishytrouble1]

Wanting More

JJxReader Fanfiction

Y/N P,O.V.

I never thought that I would fall in love with the man that I was only supposed to be having sex with. But here I am lying in his bed after having sex with him for the second time today. I can’t help but think about the fact that I want more than just sex with this man. I want a relationship with him.

I look at him as he cleans up after our little late night rendezvous and I can’t help but start imagining a life with him, my future with him. As he finishes up and gives me a smirk, I smile and start to prepare myself with enough courage to tell him my true feelings.

He lays down beside me and covers us both up with the duvet as he slowly places his arm around my shoulders before he starts bragging. “Well that’s the best we’ve ever had if I do say so myself.”

We both laugh at the size of his ego (granted he weren’t wrong) but I soon enough take a deep breath and start to pour my heart out, “JJ look we’ve been doing this friends with benefits arrangement for about a year now and we were friends for 2 years before that. In that time what I didn’t plan for was to fall in love with you. Which is why I’m asking if there’s even the smallest part of you that could possibly want something more than this with me?” 

After 5 minutes of there being no response I realised that the silence was my answer. I got out of the bed and started getting changed in a hurry, as I decided to release my anger at the same time.

“Well I’ll take the silence as my answer. The fact you haven’t answered yet means that you don’t have any part that feels that way. I’m sorry JJ but what ever this arrangement between us is, it’s over. I thought I’d be able to work through it if you didn’t want more but I love you too much to be able to carry on this friendship. It’ll be too hard to have you in my life, so don’t call or text. Just don’t try and contact me at all. Goodbye JJ.” 

I go to leave but he grabs my wrist, “ Wait Y/N. It’s not that I don’t love you I do, I just can’t  love you the same way you love me. I’m sorry.” He admits with a frown on his face.

“So am I JJ. So am I.” And with that I walk put of his apartment and out of his life for good.

JJ’s P.O.V.

2 weeks Later

It’s been two weeks and I’ve been trying to get in contact with her. I even went to her apartment but she wasn’t there. I know Y/N said not to but once I realised how I really felt I had to find her and tell her. Being without her made me realise that I wanted her for more than just sex. I’d fallen in love with her, her laugh, her smile, her company, just her.

“Hey Jide. Are you coming mate? We’ve got a party to get to.” Simon yells at me as he yells through my bedroom door whilst knocking on it.

We were throwing a surprise birthday for Vik today so we had invited all his friends and family along with anyone else he might of known. I just hope that Y/N will be there, I’m assuming she would be due tot he fact she is best friends with Talia and Freya. 

I need to set the record straight at this party and in my search for her, I was shocked at the sight my eyes caught.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

2 hours before the party. 

“Frey, I can’t go. I don’t want to see him. Because I know if I do I’ll never be able to move on.”

“Talia, just tell her already, Please she needs to know.” Freya pleads to Talia whilst I give them both a raised eyebrow of concern.

“Okay, look. Simon told me not to say anything but I’m going to. Apparently JJ has been trying to find you because he’s realised just how he feels about you. Simon said he’s been going mad without you.”

“Oh...Okay.” I sit down not quite sure what do to with this information. “You know it doesn’t matter what happened between us, I still love him and want to be with him. But I don’t want it to be easy for him, I want him to feel a little of the pain I felt when he couldn’t tell me two weeks ago.”

I’m brought out of my thoughts when my roommate Callux walks in. I was staying in his spare room the last few weeks knowing that JJ would never find me here. 

“Callux, my friend how would you feel about helping me make a certain Mr. Olatunji jealous?” I ask him with a slight smirk on my face.

“As long as you promise to protect me from him when he gets mad.” I nod at him to show him I would stop JJ before it gets that far.

But now a couple hours later JJ is stood between me and Callux shouting at him for trying to flirt with me. So I intervene, “JJ you don’t have the right to shout at him after the way you spoke to me two weeks ago. But that being said he was only pretending to flirt with me to make you jealous. I was hoping it would cause you to man up and fight for me unless you truly don’t feel the same way.”

He was shocked but tilted my chin up after I had looked to the floor after my outburst just then. He then spoke, “ Well played. In all honesty I realised as soon as you walked out of my apartment door what you truly meant to me and what it was that I lost. I’m sorry for letting you think I didn’t love you, I was just scared to let you in or that I couldn’t love you the same way. But now I realise that I truly do love you.

All I could do in response was grab his face and pull him in for a kiss. We were so lost in the kiss and the passion that we couldn’t even here the celebration of our friends behind us. Who knew that I would finally get my something more.

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

[kurts-still-here]

What’s Love? Glee TOT Challenge FanFiction

@celery-elliry @useless-fanfictions @gleethisorthatchallenge

Hi everyone, this is my fourth fic for the Glee TOT Challenge and the prompt I choose was Platonic Love because I have way to many Kurt ships that I love but even if Kurt can't love all of them as a partner, he can love them as a friend :) Hope everyone enjoys and tells me what they thought of it etheir on here, A03 OR FanFiction.Net. Happy reading 🤗🤗😁😁

Archive Of Our Own

FanFiction.Net

Mercedes

 “I’m gay,” Kurt admitted to Mercedes, tears in his eyes. She was the first person he had ever told and this was the first time he had ever admitted it out loud.

 “Why didn’t you just tell me?” Mercedes asked sympathetically.

 “Because I’ve... never told anyone actually,” Kurt shrugged.

 “You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt,” She told him, shaking her head. “You should just tell people. Especially the kids in glee. The whole point of the club is about expressing what’s really inside you. Remember?”

 “I can’t,” Kurt said, ashamed of himself. “I’m just not that confident, I guess,”

 He started to walk away from her with his head held high but then he turned around to look at her again.

 “But I still love you Mercedes,” He told her, the tears streaming down his face. “You’re the first friend I’ve ever made as pathetic as that sounds. I just want you to know that,”

 “Of course boo,” Mercedes smiled. “I love you too, I guess just a little bit more than you love me. But I’ll get over it,”

 “I’m sorry,” Kurt apologized. “I shouldn't have lied to you. I’ve just had a lot of trouble… ya know… accepting it,”

 “You don’t have to explain yourself or apologize Kurt,” Mercedes assured him. “You are who you are and you like who you like and I’m not mad at you at all for that. I’m glad you felt like you could tell me. Thank you,”

 “Okay,” Kurt said quietly before turning around and walking away from her. 

 He had known he was different for a long time now and he had discovered he was gay not long after but he knew how the LGBT+ community was viewed in his community. It wasn’t approved of and he got enough harassment for his voice and choices of clothing, he couldn’t imagine what he would have to endure if he came out to the public. He just couldn’t do it yet. He was hoping that maybe one day people would be more accepting of gay people or that he would gather enough courage to not think of what they thought but he wasn’t there yet. He wasn’t necessarily ashamed of himself but he wasn’t proud either. He felt like a coward for hiding who he really was, especially from his dad. He was just scared of how his dad would react. He loved him so much and he didn’t want to ruin their relationship in the case that he wouldn’t accept him. He would do it eventually though because he didn’t want to hide the real him from the person he loved most in the world

Finn

Both boys were sitting in the basement on the couch watching a movie together. Finn had his arm wrapped around Kurt’s shoulder and they were snuggled close together. Finn’s behavior seemed a little weird to Kurt seeing that Finn usually avoided physical contact with him but he just brushed it off thinking that Finn was just trying to make up for the “faggy lamp incident”. Besides Kurt didn’t exactly hate the hug, it felt nice.

 The credits started rolling on the movie and Finn turned to face Kurt.

 “That was nice,” Finn said with a goofy smile on his face.

 “Yeah it was,” Kurt smiled back. “Do you want to watch another one?”

 “Sure,” Finn said, his expression changing to a pained look. “Wait though. Before we do I want to talk to you,”

 “Okay. What is it?” Kurt asked. “I hope it’s nothing bad,”

 “No no, nothing bad,” Finn said, getting nervous. At least I hope you don’t think it’s bad,”

 “Well just tell me Finn,” Kurt encouraged him. “Chances are I won’t judge you,”

 “Okay, here goes nothing,” Finn said. “I’m just going to come out and say this but… I think I’m gay,”

 “Oh,” Kurt said, his eyes widening. “That’s great Finn. I’m glad you told me. So who’s the lucky guy?”

 “Um… you?” Finn said, looking down at his hands.

 “Me?” Kurt breathed.

 “Yeah, I don’t know, it’s just I feel like I love anyone. Like I liked Quinn before the baygate thing because she was pretty and I like Rachel because she’s nice to me and because she’s pretty and then I like you because you’re really nice and you don’t think I’m stupid and you’re pretty cute but then I like Puck because he’s my bro and he has nice muscles and abs and… I don’t know… it’s frustrating,” Finn sighed, turning red.

 “It sounds like you’re bisexual,” Kurt told him. “It means you're attracted to both genders,”

 “Oh, so I’m not crazy,” Finn said to himself, making Kurt laugh. “I also like it when you laugh. I like it when you’re happy and I’m sorry about you’re lamp,”

 “Finn, you don’t have to apologize to me again. I know you’re sorry,” Kurt assured him, still blushing from Finn’s comment.

 “But I do,” Finn groaned, frustrated with himself. “I was a real douche and it wasn’t fair to you and I was just angry because I couldn’t accept myself like you can,”

 “Well you’re accepting yourself now,” Kurt told him. “By telling me,”

 “I guess so,” Finn shrugged. “But what do you think? About… me,”

 “Oh,” Kurt said, his face turning from pink to white. “Finn you know I love you but I think it’s just… as a friend or as a brother,”

 “Oh,” Finn said, tears coming to his eyes. “That’s fine,”

 “Finn it’s not you trust me,” Kurt said, placing his hand on Finn’s arm. “Any guy or girl would be lucky to have you, including me. It’s just that I’m not that lucky guy. You’ll find someone better,”

 “Nah I don’t think I will,” Finn said, quickly wiping his tears. “I mean I ruined things with Quinn and then with Rachel and I’m pretty sure Puck’s straight so you were kind of my last hope, not to make you feel bad. I think I should… I should just go,”

 “Finn please don’t do this,” Kurt begged him as Finn stood up. “Let’s just talk about this, I don’t want you to be mad at me,”

 “No I’m not mad Kurt,” Finn told him. “I just need some time to myself. But I’m sorry that I told you all of this. And I’m sorry you don’t love me back,”

 “Finn you don’t have to apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Kurt said, wiping the tears that were now on his face too. “And I do love you, you’re my friend,”

 “You know what I mean Kurt,” Finn said with a sad smile. “But it’s fine really, don’t worry about it. And thanks for clearing the bi thing up for me, it means a lot to me,”

 “Your welcome,” Kurt whispered as Finn went up the stairs. He had just ruined a friendship that he really cherished but he would’ve ruined it even more if he told Finn that he loved him when he really didn’t. Sure there was the little crush that he had had on him a couple of months ago but it had faded and now he saw Finn as nothing more than a friend. He just didn’t know what love really felt like, what the difference between romantic love and platonic love really was. Yes he loved his dad and Carol and Mercdes and the rest of the glee club but as friends and family, not as partners. Love was complicated, it was messy and Kurt was still trying to come to terms with being gay and accepting himself, he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet.

Puck

The New Directions were over at the Hudmel house for a get together and Kurt was in the kitchen, gathering snacks for everyone when Puck walked with that smirk that he always wore on his face.

 “Hey babe,” He said, looking down at Kurt's ass. “You need any help?”

 “I’m good Noah,” Kurt said, annoyed. Was Puck so desperate now that he was flirting with boys? “And since when am I babe?”

 “Since this,” Puck said before walking up to Kurt, taking him by surprise and kissing him hard on the lips. Kurt didn’t know what to do since Puck had a strong grip on him so he just stayed leaned back with Puck’s lips on his until Noah came back up for some air.

 “So what did you think?” Puck asked, raising an eyebrow. “Did I blow you’re gay little mind?”

 “Um… no?” Kurt said in a questioning tone. “I just… are you gay?”

 “Yeah something like that,” Puck said, waving his hand in the air. “I think I like anything but I forget what it’s called,”

 “You mean your pan, pansexual?” Kurt asked. “You don’t care about gender or gender identity. It actually makes a lot of sense,”

 “Well anyway,” Puck interrupted, frowning. “Do you love me?”

 “Noah, I'm not doing this right now,” Kurt said, shaking his head. It was Finn and Mercedes all over again. “We’re friends and that’s probably all we’ll ever be. I guess I could say I love you but as a friend, not as a lover. I’m not ready for a relationship yet,”

 “But you had a crush on Finn?” Puck pointed out. “What gives?”

 “Like you said, it was a crush that went away. And unlike you Finn was nice to me but I doubt I ever had romantic feelings for him in any way. I’ve already had this conversation with him,” Kurt explained.

 “Wait so Finn’s gay too?” Puck asked. “I might have to tap that,”

 “Actually you should, he likes you.” Kurt said. “Something about your muscles and abs,”

 “But what do you think about my muscles and abs babe?” Puck asked with a mischievous smile. “Isn’t it hot?”

 “Sure,” Kurt said sarcastically. “But like I said Noah, I’m flattered, I really am but the answer is no,”

 “Fine then,” Puck huffed. “But trust me, I’m not going to give up so easily. One day you’ll be begging for me to take you and I’ll make you suffer and wait,”

 “God do you always have to be so cheesy?” Kurt asked. “It makes me sick,”

 “You know you love it Princess,” Puck yelled back at him as he walked back into the living room with everyone else.

 “Yeah right,” Kurt said under his breath as he gathered up all the trays of food and brought them out to the living room. This was the third time now and if he hadn’t loved Finn in that way then he definitely didn’t love Puck in that. He sighed as he placed everything out on the table before rubbing his face with his hands in exhaustion.

 “Are you okay Kurt?” Quinn asked him.

 “I’m fine,” Kurt said, smiling at the group. Then he saw Puck’s smirk again and decided that he needed some space. “I just… forgot something upstairs in my room. I’ll be back,”

 He left the room and walked upstairs before walking into his room and closing the door behind him, sinking down against the door. It shouldn’t bother him so much but it did. There were three people now that had “loved” and he didn’t love them back. It just made him wonder if he was ever going to find true love at all and if he was ever even going to know what love felt like.

Sam

“I love you,” Sam admitted and Kurt internally groaned. Not again.

 “Sam,” Kurt started to say but Sam interrupted him, taking Kurt’s hands in his.

 “Shh, don’t say anything and just let me explain,” Sam said but this time Kurt interpreted him.

 “Sam, you’re my friend, god I say that a lot,” He added sarcastically. “But I’m not ready for a relationship right now. I love you platonically and that’s that. Please don’t make me feel even worse than I already do by trying to persuade me into going out with you. I’ve been through this plenty of times before,”

 Sam looked down, ashamed and disappointed and now Kurt wished that he would say something instead of just looking defeated.

 “Hey don’t be upset Sam please,” Kurt begged him. “It’s not you, you’re perfect and I’m really flattered but I’m still figuring things out for myself and it wouldn’t be fair to you to be with me when I not sure of anything,”

 “No I get it,” Sam said, looking up at Kurt with tears in his eyes. God, why did they always have to cry?” “Really I do it’s just that you’re so nice and cute and I had the stupid idea that maybe you’d like me too but it’s stupid really. And I guess I’m not really sure about anything either. I don’t know what I am, if I’m bi or if I just like boys. It’s hard,”

 “I know it is,” Kurt assured him, rubbing Sam’s back. “Trust me, I knew I was gay since I was six years old and I’m still trying to fully accept myself. But you aren’t alone Sam. I’m here if you ever want to talk and Finn and Puck seem like they have whatever’s going on with them figured out so you can talk to them too. We’re all here for you,”

 “I know,” Sam said, smiling at Kurt and wiping his tears. “Thanks,”

 “You’ll find someone,” Kurt told him, giving Sam a hug. “But just remember you come first,”

 “Yeah, I will,” Sam told him, returning the hug.

 Kurt told himself that what he told Sam also applied to him. He was going to figure out what love really felt like and he was going to find someone that loved him and someone who loved him back. He had to, he wanted to know the feeling. Now just wasn’t the right time and once again, he had to put himself first.

Blaine

“I love you,” Blaine said dreamily, staring at Kurt with his handsome eyes and making Kurt choke on his coffee a little. Why does this always happen to me?

 Blaine still had his eyes on Kurt and was waiting for Kurt to respond with an “I love you too,” so Kurt was relieved when Mercedes and Sam walked in with one another making Blaine turn around.

 “Oh hey, what are you guys doing here?” Blaine asked, having moved on from the previous discussion.

 “I’m just getting a coffee,” Sam said, swaying back and forth on his feet.

 “Yeah we ran into each other in the parking lot,” Mercedes added. ‘Hmm, sure you did,’ Kurt thought to himself he had noticed how smiley they were acting towards each other lately. They were in love and Kurt was happy for them, especially since they had both had a crush on him and now they had each other. At least Sam now knew that he was bi and they both had their love lives together. It was more than he could say for himself.

 Blaine started talking about his summer plans with them while Kurt tried to figure out what he was going to say about Blaine’s “I love you,” when Mercedes and Sam walked away and Blaine turned his focus back onto Kurt.

 “Hey cutie,” He smiled again.

 “Umm. hi,” Kurt said nervously. “I’m really sorry Blaine but I just remembered that I promised my dad that I would help him… at the garage so we’re going to have to cut this coffee date short,”

 “Oh yeah,” Blaine said, wearing a smile even though Kurt could tell he was disappointed. “That’s okay. A promise is a promise,”

 “Yeah,” Kurt said, standing up and grabbing his cup and bag. “See you later,”

 He then rushed out of the coffee shop and with his luck of course it was raining outside. He started crying. He liked Blaine, that’s why they were dating and he had spent so long pining after him and now he was going to ruin the good thing going on between them because he couldn’t say three simple words. I love you. Of course he could say them but he just didn’t want to lie. He didn’t want to say those words and then have it turn out that he didn’t love Blaine and ruin their friendship. He loved Blaine but… once again, maybe it was just platonic. And maybe he just wasn’t meant to love anyone.

Elliot

“I love you,” Kurt found himself saying to Elliot once they reached his apartment. They had been really good friends for a while now and Elliot had just taken him out on their first date to a nice restaurant. 

 “Like as a friend or as more?” Elliot asked, obviously joking with a smile on his face. Elliot knew how Kurt had felt about love and partners in the past and had been patient with him even though he loved Kurt romantically.

 “I think… as more,” Kurt confessed. “I’m really nervous and have a weird feeling in my stomach, not like I’m sick or anything but...I think I love you Elliot. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and for once...I think I honestly know exactly how I feel about someone,”

 They paused for a moment, Kurt with tears of joy in his eyes before Elliot leant in and kissed Kurt. And Kurt had only been kissed twice before, once by Puck and once by Blaine but when he kissed Elliot he felt a spark of energy between them and he knew he loved him, the feeling was confirmed.

 When they pulled away from each other, they held each other’s hands and Kurt had never been happier in his life before. He had spent a huge part of his life worrying that he would never find someone who felt the same way as he did, who he loved and here he was, he had finally found Elliot. It all felt amazing.

[polyboros]

carcinization, babey!

so floating around blaseball spaces have been blink’s lore on how the garden has affected the flowers’ players, and recently, mads’ stuff on how the call got the firefighters, which makes it sound like they got murdered but that’s fine. and i started thinking about carcinization, because becoming a crab is about a lot of things, like gender and crabs and being a Part Of The Team and love, y’know, crab things, but it’s also about what is left in the “absence” where a [mumbles vaguely] killed god was at some point, and it’s also incredibly up to interpretation! 

anyway! crabs players.

so, a basic thing of how i view carcinization: it’s both connected to debbie and not. at some point, it was because of her, and now it’s not, but it is, kind of. it’s about baltimore and it isn’t. it’s about the crabs and it isn’t. what it is about, in no uncertain terms, is the person being carcinized! on some level you have to be willing to be carcinized for it to happen. if you walk into the baltimore crabs and you say fuck this shit i don’t want this, it’s not going to happen. there’s obviously a lot of nuance to this, but the basic foundation of it is that it is voluntary! and it’s reversible. and despite being a very, very physical thing, carcinization is about emotions.

i’m going to do players in order of who i have the most thoughts about! because some crabs are definitely definitely thought about more by others than i do, haha.

so luis acevedo! traded to the crabs in the season 7 elections, from the garages. they’re a hologram, and they’re constantly shifting both their appearance and identity subconsciously or manually to suit them how they see fit. they have a very very very solid sense of identity despite this, and they’ve been around, you know? centuries old. so they get to baltimore and they kind of already know what they’re getting into, except they have no idea at all, really. 

and i think they see carcinization from this outsider’s perspective, like, this is something you get when you’re a part of the team, this is something you get when you’re truly from baltimore and you’re truly a Crab, and they want it! they really do. because the crabs weren’t super important to them at first but they become important, and they want that connection to what becomes their family. but they don’t get it, not from an outside source. it’s because they’re a hologram, kind of, but mostly their identity is malleable by them and not many other things, and that’s the way they’ve crafted it. 

so luis rolls up their sleeves and goes okay, bitch, guess i have to do everything myself around here! and they carcinize themself, essentially, they give themself chitin one day and blue blood the next and claws and legs and every time they want to change they do, and i don’t think they quite realize until late into the Up that this is their carcinization. that this is their connection to the team, because they made it that way. and they run into the place where all the crabs hang out like holy fucking shit is this what it was? and they’re all like yeah?? we figured you knew?? and [luis vc] i fucking did NOT. it ends happily for them, either way.

next is [squints at hand] squid galvanic and jacoby podcast! these two are extremely intertwined for me specifically in relation to their experience with carcinization, because they’re both playoff births, right? they’ve only truly existed on the immaterial plane for a couple years, maybe, squid longer. and i think while the shadows are normal now that the fk apple is up (something i will elaborate on   later), they used to be not so great. and squid and jacoby were born into the shadows and not baltimore, really, and carcinization couldn’t reach them there. and then squid’s out, and it is seeing baltimore for the first time in its life, and the crabs for the first time, too, and finn invites it to go swimming in the extremely toxic bay with her because it can! 

and it does, and it wakes up the next morning with chitin plates interlocking up its spine and patches of it along its jaw, and it maybe freaks the fuck out, a little. because nobody explained this to it, because nobody thought they had to? but once it gets explained and it knows what’s happening, squid is overjoyed. it wasn’t a part of the crabs like the rest were in Up, and now it’s a step closer to that, and it’s happy about it. plus, it makes it look really cool, and i think it likes the feeling of sort of being Distinctly Inhuman in another way than it already is.

jacoby, on the other hand, doesn’t get carcinization. like, they get it on an objective level? and i think they understand it, sort of, in the way that you can understand it when it hasn’t really happened to you yet. i think they’re too unsure for it to happen, and when they’re more confident they get some hermit crab carcinization, but it’s… very slow. one step forward two steps back. i think that being a replacement for a bad pitcher that got foreshadowed has made them a little too anxious in their abilities, and their carcinization reflects that. sometimes squid peels stray bits of chitin that tried to grow on its vampire squid half and sets them on jacoby’s head and they laugh about it, though, and it makes it easier. 

i think about tosser’s carcinization in the context of it reflecting self-confidence a lot as well. the general thing about tosser is that after the real bad reverse sweep before the first peanut fight, he lost his carcinized arm! normal arm time. he blames this on debbie, and on carcinization not seeing him as good enough anymore, but carcinization isn’t the one seeing anything, really. tosser, on some level, has taken a hard enough blow from that loss to lose the confidence and motivation that made that arm carcinize to begin with. in the Up the rest of the team helps him build his own arm, artificial, and it’s once again the self-made connection to your team. you don’t need carcinization to be a crab, it’s something you foster yourself, and tosser is an original, and he’s had that connection and only made it stronger. i think once he gets down chitin and muscle begins to interweave with the metal, a bit, but nothing nearly as much as before. he’s okay with that, really. prefers it.

tot fox is a fox. she wears that funny crab hat you know the one. she doesn’t mind carcinization, and carcinization doesn’t mind her, but they’ve never really interacted, i think. she gets some extra legs to scuttle around with after she kills the sun and she’s happy with that.

dreamy and nagomi are both very carcinized, i think. nagomi found strength in the ever-changing nature of it and everything about it, in contrast to the heavy stasis of lady friday, and dreamy’s an original crab! however, i think while nagomi’s carcinization has remained just as heavy and strong as ever, dreamy’s faded and molted off over siesta. not for lack of wanting, but because with the sudden absence of the crabs, it sort of weakened her connection to it, and then over the decade it just sort of retreated back into itself? and she misses it, of course, but she learns how to live without it. and then the crabs come down, and i’m always thinking about sim’s minific where the carcinization comes back all at once. dreamy knows before anyone that the crabs are back because the chitin lining her jaw is back in full force and she can feel it, intrinsically, like something coming home to her. moco is less carcinized to begin with, but i think their armor grows chitin plate to replace rusted and missing pieces.

i’m sleepy now, and i don’t have particularly strong articulated thoughts on the rest of the crabs’/former crabs’ carcinization, so you should come to the crabitat at tillmansucks.com and ask about them! because i do love them very dearly. (pedro davids my beloved)

thank you for reading! love a crab