#mommy needs her fix! needs her fucking MEDICINE

[acapelladitty]

the fucking price of pepsi max these days 😔

[soullust]

hiii i'm super bored, so here are dps sick headcanons

neil perry

seldom gets sick but when he does it hits him LIKE A TRUCK hates being sick he's allergic to penicillin so he feels very guilty about needing medication stubborn asf, will pretend he's fine for an annoying amount of time. will go to class watery eyed, sweaty, flushed red, shaking and half-delirious has to be forced to rest, but once that's managed he's very calm and sleeps through most of his sickness loves soup. his mom used to (and still does if he happens to get sick while he's home) make him some kind of special soup whenever he got sick and he loved it. give the boy some soup it will cure 99% of his illness.

todd anderson

gets sick frequently but goes through it pretty lightly he's never like, suffering, more like inconvenienced takes him such a long time though. he has never been sick less than a week fatigue hits him hard, he's falling asleep while standing gets pretty bad muscle pains and pretty irritable it makes him pretty snappy, which unfortunately, makes him funny asf, but no one can really laugh bc he's sick, that would be rude

charlie dalton

probably ate dirt as a kid so he's immune to all the germs, and doesn't get sick a lot but when he does his throat just... gives up on him. he looses his voice immediately i think since he barely gets sick the poets have no idea, so when one day he just shows up at breakfast dead silent they assume the apocalypse is near. gets really bad headaches. loud noises make his headaches worse. this is pretty ironic and funny to the other poets starts missing classes the second he can and doesn't come back until he's forced to by nolan himself would love being sick if it wasn't for the whole... being sick thing bc ouch... but like the attention is great

knox overstreet

gets sick at very unfortunate times, like just at the beginning of spring or during school breaks and weekends. convinced he's dying every. single. time. "This Is The End, Write Down My Will For Me Please... Please Call My Mommy, I Shall Bid My Farewell To Her..." to be fair he does get a horrible migraine every single time, so the guys are mostly forgiving of all of the bullshit inhales soup and tea with lemon&honey.

gerard pitts

his temperature spikes up by +0.1°C and immediately delirium hits him and it hits him HARD gets really emotional and cries a lot. mostly bc he loves his friends and animals and science hates taking medicine. you gotta hide it in his food bc he will not take it will not shut the fuck up, not even for a second. not even when he's sleeping (pray for meeks he's really going thru it), talks until he looses his voice also muscle pains get him soo bad, like his back and his legs are useless he can barely sit sometimes

steven meeks 

barely eats anything. all the food becomes repulsive to him and he has to be coaxed to eat literal toddler portions just so he doesn't starve. throws up a lot deathly pale + flushed cheeks and nose + teary, puffy eyes sleepy. hates it. hates missing classes and complains about it a lot. would over-medicate himself to get to go to class quicker luckily he can be easily distracted (mostly by crossword puzzles and music) charlie will go into his room and play saxophone for him sometimes <3

richard cameron

he technically has a pretty good immune system but he's so irrationally afraid of germs that he walks around in a medical mask during flu season to protect himself still gets sick though it's like a vibe check from god to stop fucking panicking like neil, he refuses to admit that he's sick and goes to class shivering, sweaty, and only half-lucid but he will go to class goddammit, gotta keep that perfect attendance somehow still believes that some painkillers will fix him. he almost overdosed once (or twice) has to be forced to rest and argues about it a lot he's hungry. all the time. could eat a five course meal and still be hungry. get my boy some sustenance, he's dying also gets migraines (he gets those anyways, they get way worse when he's sick though)

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝐷𝑖𝑙𝑓!𝐴𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑧: 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑇𝑟𝑦 𝑇𝑜 𝑆𝑒𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑒 𝐴𝑛𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝐷𝑖𝑙𝑓!𝐴𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑧 𝑀𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 (𝑅𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑)

Warnings: NSFW content including but not limited to exhibitionism, voyeurism, semi-public sex (don't try it irl), lactating kink, tittyfucking, etc. Aged up/Older Ateez but age differences are still within legal boundaries. Allusions to infidelity (which I do not condone or encourage)

❥𝓚𝓲𝓶 𝓗𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓳𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓰

Hongjoong couldn't keep the proud look off his face as he showed off a video of your son playing around on the piano while seated on his lap.

"I'm telling you, he's going to be a musical genius." He boasted to his closest friend, Seonghwa who watched in amazement.

"Mine so far just know how to make messes and keep their mommy and me awake at all hours of the night." Seonghwa chuckled as he gave a lighthearted pat on the bum to the woman right next to him.

"They? You already have two?" You couldn't believe it.

"What can I say? Maybe I'm just really...gifted." Seonghwa winked which had his significant other blushing intensely when he looked her way, the poor thing fanning her face before going to the kitchen to grab more water.

Seonghwa's words left you feeling curious about him and it was a night out for both of you to have fun. So why not have a little fun?

"You must really be packing a lot in there to be able to knock up a girl with 2 kids." You observed as you shamelessly looked at his crotch.

"Well if you ever get too curious I'd be happy to let you experience it firsthand." He looked at you smugly as his thumb cupped your chin.

It was rather dangerous to flirt like this with Hongjoong's best friend right in front of him, but part of you wanted to know what he'd do seeing you act like this, like how'd you'd flirt back in university. You always loved making Hongjoong jealous after all. Taking Seonghwa's hand, you brought his fingers to your lips.

"I'm curious. Very curious actually." You maintained eye contact as you took his fingers in your mouth and mimicked the tongue movements you'd often do on Hongjoong's cock.

Speaking of him, you were surprised as to why he hadn't said or done anything. Looking behind you, you realized he wasn't even there which confused you. Finally you spotted him on the couch and you dropped Seonghwa's fingers out of your mouth when you saw none other than his s/o on Hongjoong's lap.

"Hongjoong!" You angrily exclaimed yet he still had a grin on his face.

"What? I was merely trying to get closer to my friend's soon to be wife." He replied as the hands on her hips went to her ass.

Walking over to them, Seonghwa lifted his partner off the couch and promptly excused himself as he pulled her out of your apartment, no doubt to remind her of a few things. Meanwhile you stood there glaring at Hongjoong who looked unbothered.

"What? It's only ok for you to try and seduce other men?"

You huffed and were about to walk to your room but Hongjoong sat up and hugged you from behind.

"Calm down my little slut, I was only giving you a taste of your own medicine. And besides, you don't need another cock besides mine." He chuckled as he started to play with your pant's zipper.

❥𝓟𝓪𝓻𝓴 𝓢𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝔀𝓪

Coming back from the kitchen, you widened your eyes as you saw that Hongjoong's a significant other was still flaunting herself to him and he was going along with it.

"This little bitch." You muttered to yourself thinking that no one heard you but someone did.

"It's frustrating isn't it?" You heard Hongjoong say right next to your ear, lips ghosting over the lobe.

"I take it a cat fight is out of the question?" You asked him.

"Actually.... I have a better idea, if you're comfort enough to help me."

Seeing his smirk and wiggling eyebrows, you knew what he was referring to and you decided fuck it. You allowed him to walk you over to the couch but it was you who pushed him onto it before straddling his lap, the dress you were wearing rising up and nearly exposing your lace panties.

"Well you're certainly not a shy one are you?" Hongjoong mused, eyes unable to look away at your chest that was right in front of his face.

"Hey, sometimes a girl's gotta get dirty to get what she wants." You bit your lip as you took his hands and guided them to your hips. Leaning down, you pressed your forehead against his and swiped your tongue across his upper lip.

"Like stealing another woman's husband." You chuckled slyly.

Hongjoong wasn't planning on feeling this hot by your behavior, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't find you attractive. Obviously you were extremely attractive if you managed to steal Seonghwa away from his wife and Hongjoong could now see why.

"Hongjoong!" You both heard his girl shout.

"Took her long enough." You whispered in his ear, trying to contain your laughter after he not only said he was trying to get close to you but also when he squeezed your ass.

The next thing you felt was a pair of arms getting you off Hongjoong before a voice said:

"I'm sorry but we must be going now."

Seonghwa was fuming as he dragged you over into the car, his hand slamming the door loudly.

"Maybe now you'll think twice before letting someone else try to seduce you." You snorted.

"I wasn't actually gonna let her do anything." He told you, a hand rubbing his temples as he tried to calm down both his anger and embarrassment.

"Oh I know you weren't going to let anything happen baby."

Seonghwa's breath hitched when he saw your face stoop down and start to take him out of his pants. He groaned when you spat on his cock so you could begin pumping him.

"Whatever she had you fantasizing about while your fingers were in her mouth, I can fulfill it and even more."

❥𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸

When Yunho said he wanted you to meet a few of his close friends, you began worrying that an event like what happened with his family would took place. But to your surprise it was nothing like that. And in fact you two weren't the only couple who had a large age difference between them, as his recently remarried friend Yeosang had a wife that was closer to your age so that comforted you.

No doubt Yunho intended for you to become friends with the lovely lady, but surprisingly you were bonding a lot more with Yeosang than anyone, and after a while it escalated to a little flirting.

"So is it true that Yunho bought your virginty?"

You nearly spat your drink out when he asked that, but you composed yourself and smiled as if nothing happened.

"Yeah and I honestly don't regret it." You responded.

"I don't think he regrets it either." He gestured over to Yunho who was happily chatting with some of the other guests.

"Did you also buy your now wife's virginity?" You figured it wouldn't be bad to ask him an embarrassing question now.

"No actually I didn't. I didn't have to. From the first moment, she wanted me like I wanted her and in the end, well...... she ended letting me corrupt her after a long game of cat and mouse." He had a fond look on his face as he began to recall all those memories.

"Well with that face I'd let you corrupt me for free." You wanted to slap your hand over your mouth when you accidentally said aloud what you thought in your head.

Yeosang quirked an eyebrow an amusement at your words.

"Oh really? You little innocent thing would let me corrupt you? Tell me, what if it had been me instead of Yunho that paid to have his way with you?" Yeosang was bold enough to tuck some of your hair behind your ear, his large veiny hands making you get wet as you imagined them undressing you.

"I'd let you fuck my pussy for free." You admitted as you began to lean into him.

Unbeknownst to you, Yunho had listened to the entire conversation and now he stepped in to pull you away from Yeosang. He looked beyond mad and you thought you fucked up for real. He dragged you into some lonely part of the park you were all gathered in and pressed you up against one of the trees. Before you could speak, his large frame trapped you as he started to pull your dress up.

"A long time ago, I paid for this little pussy of yours, isn't that right?" He harshly asked.

You nodded immediately before gasping when Yunho practically tore your panties off you, leaving your bottom half exposed for anyone walking by to see. You tried to pull your dress down, but were stopped by him.

"Don't even try it. Like I said, I paid for your pussy which means it's mine to show whenever I want....." You shuddered when he plunged two fingers in you.

"And fuck whenever I want. Just me, no one else. "

❥𝓚𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓮𝓸𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓰

You weren't going to lie that you felt uneasy about Yunho's wife talking a little too friendly with Yeosang. Even though you tried to listen to what Yunho was saying, your eyes kept trailing back over to them, and you couldn't stop squinting your eyes at her.

"You can stop being on edge about my wife, she's not going to steal Yeosang away from you." Yunho assured you.

You looked back at him with a face that let him know he was stupid.

"Oh honey, you have no idea what a woman can be like. Don't be fooled by our innocent appearances." You warned him before looking back at Yeosang.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Judging by his tone, you knew Yunho felt offended that you meant anything remotely offensive towards his wife.

Wanting to lighten up the mood while simultaneously letting him understand your point of view, you fully turned your attention to him and smirked as you 'innocently' began adjusting his tie.

"Wha-what are you doing?" Yunho couldn't help the stammer in his voice when you came close to him.

"I'm just fixing this up for you." You answered, your voice sounding as smooth as honey.

"That's not necessary-" Yunho gulped when he tried to pull away only for you to suddenly pull him back in, your body now pressed to his, your breasts peeping out of your cleavage daring him not to stare.

"A woman may help a man tie his tie, fix his belt or..... adjust their collars simply to be nice."

Yunho stiffened and blushed red when you leaned in and whispered with a honey like voice in his ear:

"Or it's because we're trying to get you guys to fuck us."

You knew your plan worked when Yunho's eyes shot wide open and he excused himself to go stomp over to where his wife and Yeosang were. You patted yourself on the back especially when you made emphasis on the adjusting collars part, knowing that Yunho saw just as you did how his wife had adjusted Yeosang's collar before and he was not subtle about checking out her cleavage.

Your proud smile did not leave your face even when you saw Yeosang slowly approaching you. You knew he definitely saw how you were with Yunho and you were curious to see what'd he say. Humming softly, he went behind you so he could wrap his arms around your waist while his face buried itself on your neck.

"Mind telling me why you were so close with Yunho?"

Reaching a hand up to pat his hair, you answered:

"Simply teaching him a few lessons on how women seduce men."

Yeosang couldn't help but let out a soft laugh at your words. You giggled when you felt his lips press open mouth kisses along your neck.

"Yeah you're an expert in that category, aren't you?"

❥𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓢𝓪𝓷

"Umm...uh Y/N?" Mingi, San's friend spoke up.

"Yeah?" You wondered what was bothering him.

He seemed unsure whether to tell you or not, whatever it was that he was trying to say. Clearing his throat, he finally decided to spit it out.

"I think you spilled something on your shirt when you went to the kitchen and didn't notice."

You were confused as you didn't remember spilling anything on yourself. Looking down at your shirt, you laughed as you realized what it actually was.

"Oh! I didn't spill anything, that's just my boobs." You blurted out.

Mingi flushed pink as it clicked on his head what you meant.

"Oh...right. San had mentioned before that you lactated a lot but I didn't think-" He stopped himself before he went further.

"Didn't think?" You pressed him to continue.

"Didn't think it'd be that much." He confessed, eyes curiously eyeing the wet stains on your shirt.

Getting turned on by another man staring at your breasts, you reached for the bottom of your shirt and pulled it off of you. Slowly, you began to pull your bra up as well, your breasts popping out with a bounce that had Mingi biting his lip. San came in to find you topless and with his friend admiring your tits and although he'd usually be very jealous, something about it made him get aroused.

"My wife's tits are so pretty aren't they Mingi?" He startled you both when he made his presence known.

"God yes." Mingi couldn't lie.

"Maybe you should taste them." San suggested as he reached for one of them and squeezed it so a bit of milk would come out of it.

Mingi hesitated but after San reassured him it was fine, the giant male latched his mouth onto one of your breasts, sucking on it fervently. If you thought it couldn't get any better, soon San joined in, taking a hold of your other breast and taking it into his mouth. You threw your head back and moaned loudly as both men sucked on your breasts, your hands cupping the back of their heads to push them further into your chest.

"Just watch Mingi, she can literally cum untouched by just having us breastfeed from her." San chuckled in between his suckling.

❥𝓢𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓲

"I should cut off your balls." You threatened Mingi as he confessed to you what had transpired the day before at San's house.

"Honey please don't do that. At least you heard it from me, doesn't that count for something?" He pouted at you as he tried to hug you.

"Yeah it counts for getting it sliced off in one whole strike instead of piece by piece." You grunted as you evaded his embrace.

"Ok, what's it going to take for you to forgive me? Ask for anything. If you even wanna withhold kinky times from me, I won't even blame you."

You actually thought long and hard about how to get back at Mingi. Just what could possibly make you get even with him after he confessed to sucking on his friend's wife's tits? The light bulb went off in your head at once.

"Can you ask your friend San to come over?"

Although he was confused by your request, he nonetheless did as you asked and called him over. San was just as confused, but he figured he was probably there to help his friend out and apologize for what happened and take responsibility. But what he was not expecting was for you to throw yourself on him and start seducing him right in front of Mingi, who was equally shocked.

"You got to have your fun with his wife yesterday right? I think it's only fair he gets to have fun with your wife, don't you think Mingi?" You smirked over at him.

San was hissing and grunting as he layed on your bed, watching intently as his cock was buried deep in between your boobs. Every time his head popped out, you made sure to stick your tongue out to further stimulate him.

"You seem to have a thing for breasts Sannie." You teased as you began to fuck him between your boobs even faster.

"Oh fuck!" San cried out as he tried to keep himself from cumming.

"Mingi also likes a good tittyfuck every now and then, but he's more of an ass man above all."

You looked over at Mingi, who sat quietly on a chair in front of you both, watching it all go down with a tent in his pants.

"Mingi come fuck my ass." You suddenly told him.

"Are you serious?" Mingi widened his eyes.

"I just got done saying how you're an ass man and I'm feeling empty. Now are you going to stay sitting down or are you going to join in?"

In minutes, Mingi had gotten up and had stripped himself off his clothes, and now he was positioning himself right behind you, cock twitching at fucking your ass while your breasts fucked his friend.

"You really are a kinky little lady."

❥𝓙𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓦𝓸𝓸𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓰

"Wait, you met Y/N where?"

Wooyoung wasn't surprised to hear the disbelief in Jongho's voice as they shared stories about how they met their current significant others.

"In the strip club I frequented. She was one of the dancers there." He repeated himself.

"What? Did she drop her panties onstage and you immediately bought a ring?" Jongho teased him.

"One, we're not married...yet. And two, I actually had to get her alone to be able to see her with no clothes on. And fuck when I did, I decided to snatch her away before anyone else got a chance to." He admitted.

"Was she that enticing to you?" Jongho questioned him.

"Trust me, she's the type of woman who can dance her way into a man's heart. Or pants." Wooyoung boldly stated.

"I doubt she could dance into mine." Jongho firmly said.

"Oh really? You think so? Wanna bet on it?"

Wooyoung didn't hesitate to pick up his phone and call you right away. Hearing his mischievous tone, you knew he was up to something. When he asked you to come over to his office in one of your old costumes from your exotic dancer days, you got a hint as to what it could be and it excited you to think about it.

You came into his office, thinking he wanted a private show but you stopped dead in your tracks when you saw that he wasn't alone. You looked at Wooyoung, asking for an explanation.

"Baby I hope you don't mind but.... I wanted you to put on a little show for my dear old friend here." Wooyoung shifted in his seat.

You were about to scold Wooyoung for even thinking of such an idea, but Jongho spoke up first.

"She can try all she wants, but I doubt she'll be effective in seducing me."

You scoffed at the man's words and at that moment you wanted nothing than to wipe that smug look off his face. Setting your phone on the desk and pressing play, you walked right in front of Jongho and let the long trench coat fall of your body, revealing the glittery lingerie you were hiding. Although Jongho tried to remain stoic, you could see that the corners of his lip twitched slightly when you began to dance.

You felt proud of yourself when it seemed you were finally getting him to break as you rolled your body on top of him, your hips mere inches from actually grinding down on his crotch.

"Can I touch her?" Jongho finally blurted out, nails clawing the couch underneath him.

Wooyoung and you both exchanged a triumphant look when he asked that.

"Only if you admit I won the bet, then I'll even let you fuck her."

❥𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓙𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝓸

"Are we really doing this right here?" You giggled as Jongho continued to mark kisses across your neck as he pushed you onto the desk behind you.

"Can't help it. I just really wanted you now." He winked when he came back up to cup your face and hungrily kiss your lips.

You found it odd that Jongho was suddenly getting frisky with you while at work. He'd never ever approve of you two risking getting caught doing something inappropriate during work hours. But you figured it was because back then you two were a secret and now almost everyone knew you two were married. So you just didn't think too much of it and instead enjoyed as his strong hands gripped your thighs and spread them apart so he could fit himself in between your legs.

Just as you two were getting lost in each other, the door opened and someone came in.

"Oh I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?" A man whom you had never met before asked as he seemed embarrassed about walking in on you two.

"Oh, not at all Wooyoung. In fact I was expecting you right at this time, after all, I did call you here."

Jongho looked so unfazed about having his friend walk in, in fact, he looked almost too happy about getting caught like that, it was so unlike him. Just as you slid off the desk and began adjusting yourself, Jongho stopped you.

"Wooyoung? Remember the other night? When you let your little exotic dancer give me a lap dance?"

You widened your eyes when he said that, hearing that for the first time.

"Among other things." Wooyoung nodded.

Taking your hand, Jongho slowly walked you over to where Wooyoung was seated.

"Well.... I think it's time you let me return the favor."

Before you could even guess what was happening, Jongho sat you on Wooyoung's lap, your back pressed against his chest.

"I left her wet and bothered so I think she'd really appreciate it if you helped her out." Jongho winked at you before stepping back to his desk to get a better view.

You whimpered when you felt Wooyoung's hands slide up your shirt to cup your breasts.

"Are you ok with this babygirl?" He asked you.

Having Jongho watching you intently and being left needy by him, you didn't hesitate to let his friend know that you were more than ok with him touching you, which delighted him and Jongho as well.

"Don't hold back on her, she likes it rough."

Gifs not mine. Credit goes to their respective owners

[whumpmatsus]

Hi! 👋 Two things! First, a fic request (again Ichimatsu whump because I'm sorry but I have to): Ichimatsu takes a hit meant for one of his brothers (be it accidental or on purpose) and is pretty badly injured. Cue the rest of the Matsu Bros. to the rescue!

And second, um...would you be okay with it if, let's just say hypothetically, I made fan art of some of these fics? 😺

FIRST OF ALL thank you for this because it's LITERALLY the longest thing I've written on this blog so far!! so I hope u enjoy it fully uwu

Matsu Bros plus a cameo by Mama Matsu!! <3

second... YESSSS THAT IS ALWAYS DEFINITELY OKAY!!! aaaaaaa you flatter me <3 <3 <3

-

When Ichimatsu first wakes up in the hospital, he doesn’t remember why he’s here. Hell, he barely even remembers who he is.

All he really knows initially is that he’s in a lot of pain. It hurts to breathe, his face is kind of numb in spots, and his leg feels weirdly positioned, plus heavy and uncomfortable. His shoulder feels kind of sore… as does his wrist.

There’s also some strange fog drifting around his mind that’s making it difficult to really focus on anything.

He feels a hand in his own. Not very tight… he thinks it’s someone giving just enough pressure to let him know they’re here. That he’s not alone. That’s comforting, he thinks.

Then he starts to remember things.

He was out walking with some of the others; Karamatsu and maybe Totty? What they were doing is a little fuzzy and isn’t coming to him instantly. He just recalls they were together, walking on the sidewalk. They came to a crosswalk and waited their turn. Karamatsu, as the eldest out of the three, stepped forward first to cross.

Ichimatsu thinks Karamatsu’s intention was that he would hold Totty’s hand to keep the youngest safe while they crossed, and Ichimatsu could follow after them. He doesn’t believe Totty had any objections.

They waited. They followed all the rules they were supposed to. The crosswalk light told them they were allowed to go.

It was someone else who broke the rules, tearing through a stop sign, the car headed right for his brothers. He… thinks he remembers Totty had only just come forward to grab Karamatsu’s hand, so he wasn’t quite there yet. Karamatsu was the one in the most danger.

He doesn’t remember much else. Running forward, pushing his baby brother behind him and yelling for his big brother to move.Then an impact. A lot of pain. Black and nothingness and warmth.

Now he’s awake. Putting the pieces together, he’s pretty sure he shoved Karamatsu forward and ended up getting hit by that car.

He thinks, in his haze, that the car should have hit Karamatsu, because he was the one who went first, because things happened so fast. But he’s glad it didn’t happen that way.

A couple groans catch the attention of whoever’s in the room, and he gets a squeeze to the hand. “Ichimatsu? Honey? Are you awake?”

“Mmh…” It hurts a little to move his head. He does it anyway, getting a glimpse of his mother. “… Mom…?”

It looks like she’s smiling… relieved, maybe. “Yes! Yes, my sweet boy, Mama is here.” She reaches her free hand over to gently stroke his hair. It feels nice. “Thank goodness. How do you feel?”

He closes his eyes. “I hurt.”

“Well, I should hope so! I’d be worried if you weren’t in a lot of pain right now. Do you remember what happened?”

Although he tries to move around, it’s difficult simply because it’s so painful. “Uh, yeah, kind of… I got… hit by a car, right? ― H… hey… Karamatsu and Totty… where are they? Are they okay?”

“Yes, dear, they’re both fine. Karamatsu has a couple of scrapes, but nothing serious. You, on the other hand, are lucky, young man. You’ve got a broken leg, a couple of broken ribs, and a broken wrist. You did have a dislocated shoulder, but they got that back into place. The doctor said it could have been much worse. She said you got off easy compared to some people who get hit by a car.”

She combs his bangs back in a way that mitigates any anger or frustration in her next words. “What were you thinking?”

“The car was coming for Karamatsu…” He frowns as the memory surfaces again, in slightly better detail. Damn. “… And Totty didn’t see it… he was gonna step out, too…”

Everything seemed to happen so fast. How the hell did he manage to get his older brother out of the way and keep his younger brother out of the way when everything happened so fast?

Matsuyo sighs and continues stroking his hair. “Oh, I know… they were both in tears when we all arrived. Totty was inconsolable… saying that Karamatsu would be dead if you hadn’t run forward and that he thought you were dead because you weren’t responding. I should be mad that you scared your brothers… but…”

She leans forward to kiss his forehead. “… You did a brave thing, Ichimatsu. Mama is very proud of you. I just don’t like any of you boys hurt… if you’re inclined to do this again, pull the other person back instead of taking their place. You silly boy,” she adds with an affectionate smile.

“Hah…” he laughs weakly, wincing at the pain in his chest. “Sorry, Mom. Everything hurts… I wanna go home.”

“Mhm, they’ll probably let you go pretty soon now that you’re awake. That’s the main thing they were waiting for, I think.” She moves her hand down to pat lightly at his forearm.

“Don’t worry. You’ll be home before you know it, and your family will take good care of you.”

-

Coming home is kind of weird.

Ichimatsu can’t really walk on his own. Since his leg is broken, the doctor gave him a crutch that he can use with his good hand, but it’s an awkward movement and leaves him feeling unbalanced. It’s just easier to lean on one of his brothers to walk ― in this case, Choromatsu has volunteered to help if Ichimatsu needs to walk somewhere. Though… he gets the feeling that the others would be more than happy to volunteer if the third eldest were somehow busy when he needs to get up.

Every motion, from sitting up to reaching for things to just breathing, is painful thanks to the broken ribs. There’s nothing that can really be done for those, so he’s evidently got to just suffer. He remembers the doctor saying they should feel quite a bit better in a couple of weeks. Most of this is going to take a month or more to fully heal, which is… according to Osomatsu, a ‘major boner-killer’.

Sitting around doing nothing but being in pain is going to be the end of Ichimatsu. He’s sure of that. He can’t go outside to feed the cats, and it’s difficult to cuddle with them inside with all his injuries. That alone is pretty depressing.

The pain medication they sent him home with is also a little frustrating. The first time he takes it, it makes him so tired he sleeps right through dinner.

He falls asleep on the couch in the spare room, he knows, because it’s where he has to be set up for now. There’s noway he can sleep in the futon with everyone else while he tries to heal; that runs the risk of running into someone, or having one of his brothers accidentally run into him.

His leg’s in a cast and his wrist is in a splint, to protect them as they fix themselves, but if those areas have someone roll onto them, it’ll probably result in more damage. Which means more pain and more time added to his recovery.

It’s apparently a bad idea to sleep on the couch. When he wakes up, everything is sore and screaming in pain. Justified, unfortunately, since he fell asleep in the same position he was relaxing in.

Someone else… is here? There’s something warm pressed up against his side.

He glances over to find that he’s evidently been resting on Karamatsu’s shoulder, likely for a while given that Karamatsu’s eyes are closed too. It looks dark out, and Ichimatsu’s foggy mind busies itself wondering what time it is.

There’s a soft chuckle beside him, and looking over reveals one of his big brother’s eyes is cracked open now. It’s swiftly followed by the other one, then the sudden absence of a pressure around his shoulder makes him aware that Karamatsu had an arm around him. “Awake, hm?”

“Yeah…” He tries to stretch, stopped short when a jolting pain in his chest reminds him that it’s definitely a bad idea. “Oww. I don’t even remember falling asleep.”

“That’s alright. You started to get a bit drowsy about half an hour after Osomatsu-nii-san gave you your medicine. We saved you a plate from dinner, though, if you want me to go warm it up.”

Ichimatsu blinks. “I slept through dinner?? Shit. How late is it right now?”

His brother shifts a bit more to take out his phone. “Hm… a bit after midnight.”

“Midnight?” Well, fuck. Although he can justify an hour nap or so, he’s just slept like six hours. He missed dinner, he missed going to the bathhouse, he missed maybe a game of cards before bed.

Karamatsu laughs again, his hand tousling Ichimatsu’s hair fondly. “That’s right, my brother. Don’t worry. Osomatsu-nii-san said fatigue is a side effect of your medicine, and your body needs sleep right now, anyway. So, are you hungry? Mommy made soba and yakitori for dinner, but if you’d rather have something else, just say the word. Your wish is my command!”

Honestly… he’s not really that hungry. He knows he should probably eat; his stomach is just trying to tell him not to have anything heavy. Another side effect of the medication, maybe. “Are you… sure? I kind of just feel like plain miso and rice. Other stuff doesn’t sound good.”

“Of course! I’d be delighted to go heat some up. You simply rest and I’ll…” When he goes to stand up, something catches Ichimatsu’s eye, and he grabs his brother’s hand, weakly, with his own injured one. It’s painful, but…

Karamatsu’s eyes focus on his younger brother, brows furrowing. “Ichimatsu? What’s the matter?”

It’s… that cut on Karamatsu’s face. Ichimatsu didn’t notice it before. Now that he’s a bit more alert, it’s practically all he can see. It’s not very big, maybe the length of one of their little fingers, and not deep. It looks like a scrape from falling off one’s bike or something. He thinks maybe it had a bandage on it at one point. The color has faded into something dull; the skin around is still bright pink, though, suggesting that it’s irritated despite not being cut.

His gaze shifts down to find similar wounds on Karamatsu’s hands. On the palms, where he probably got a sort of road rash when he tried to catch himself after Ichimatsu pushed him out of the way.

His own wrist protests with a violent throb as he reaches to let his fingers graze lightly over Karamatsu’s wrist. Image after image of what might have happened to him if Ichimatsu wasn’t fast enough comes unbidden into his head. Karamatsu could be the one with a broken leg or broken ribs, or it could have been worse.

“Y… you’re okay… right?” As soon as those words are out of his mouth, tears start spilling. All at once he’s pulled into a hug, loose fists resting against his back. He can’t stop himself from leaning in, pressing his face against Karamatsu’s shoulder.

He can feel the soft rumble of mirthless laughter his big brother gives. “You’re the one who was hurt, Ichimatsu. I’m only okay because of you. If you hadn’t seen… I wasn’t paying attention…”

The words, “It should have been me”, hang heavily in the air even though Karamatsu doesn’t say them.

He brushes a delicate kiss over the side of his little brother’s forehead. “Heh… you would have been a better big brother than me. You kept us all safe when I failed. You probably saved my life, you know. Thank you.”

Ichimatsu isn’t sure why it’s now that the full weight of everything has hit him. Now, when he’s home and out of danger, when everything is okay. Shouldn’t he have been falling apart when he first woke up in the hospital? It shouldn’t have taken seeing Karamatsu’s small injuries to remind him that they all could have died when he’s the one in a cast.

It’s hard to keep himself together, to keep his breathing normal so he doesn’t completely go to pieces. (Though, if he did, what better place to do so than in his older brother’s arms?) “… You’d do the same for me, right? So it’s only fair.”

“I would,” Karamatsu hums. “Without a second thought. You’re my little brother and I love you very much and if I could save you from being hurt, I would. I’m… sorry I was so careless that I couldn’t do it this time.”

Ichimatsu grunts, slipping his good arm around Karamatsu’s waist in an effort to be closer. “Don’t feel too bad. The next car’ll be yours.”

-

After eating as much as he feels like he can, Ichimatsu allows Karamatsu to help transfer him to the floor. It’s already set up with a spare futon, a blanket, and a pillow, probably because someone guessed that sleeping on the sofa wouldn’t be comfortable.

He’s still in so much pain. The shoulder that was reduced back into place aches like an old war wound, and his chest is sore even when he’s lying still. To say nothing of his wrist and his leg. His whole body feels like one giant bruise, except worse.

Although Karamatsu insists he’d be just fine to stand guard all night, after a few minutes Choromatsu comes in and sends him back to the bedroom. Ichimatsu doesn’t hear too much of the conversation ― mostly whispers that Karamatsu needs to go get some sleep, that Choromatsu is glad to take a turn.

Soon enough, though, Karamatsu relents and comes to tell Ichimatsu goodnight before he leaves the room. Ichimatsu gets one more kiss on the head and a reassuring squeeze to his good hand and exchanges another round of “I love you”s with his brother, then heads into the bedroom.

Choromatsu came prepared, setting his own pillow up on the couch and tossing a blanket at the end just in case he needs it. “So… how are you feeling, Ichimatsu?”

“Mm… like crap, kinda.” He looks over to where his brother is trying to get settled in. “I can’t believe I slept six hours and I’m still tired. What kind of shit did they put me on?”

“Hah… y-yeah, it’s the good stuff, probably. Is it at least helping the pain a little?”

“A little. Like Mom said before we left the hospital, I… guess it’d be more worrying if I wasn’t in pain right now. I did get hit by a car.”

Choromatsu leans forward and places a cautious hand on his little brother’s head. Once that earns him no punishment, he gingerly combs through Ichimatsu’s hair. It certainly feels relaxing. “You sure did. I… I can’t believe you kept both Karamatsu and Totty safe. Adrenaline’s a… a weird thing, huh? I’m glad you’re all okay. Hopefully the pain medicine will work better once you’ve had a few doses.”

“Mh. I hope so.”

“Yeah. For now, just, uh… just try to get some more sleep, okay? Your body needs a lot of rest while you’re healing.”

Yep, that’s what Karamatsu said, too. Two of his brothers saying the same thing can’t be wrong. … Well, they could be, but it would be weird. “I’ll try. Thanks for… being here. I dunno that I’d really want to sleep alone for the whole night. Guess Totty’s rubbing off on me.”

A low chuckle leaves Choromatsu as Ichimatsu closes his eyes. The sound of rustling suggests that his older brother has laid down and pulled a blanket over himself as well.

After a moment of quiet between them, Ichimatsu becomes keenly aware of a sensation that definitely isn’t going to allow him to sleep. “Uuuugh. Shit.”

“Huh?” Choromatsu is sitting up in an instant, ready to practically spring out of his skin. “What’s wrong, Ichimatsu?”

“― My leg itches.”

“O-oh. So… scratch it??”

He throws his head back in frustration. “No, the one with the Goddamn cast on it.”

“Ohhh. Okay, uh, well…” Choromatsu gets up and rummages through one of the drawers for a few seconds.

After that, a pencil is pressed into Ichimatsu’s good hand with a smile. “Here, try this. Stick the eraser end down in the little space between your leg and the cast, then keep moving it. If the itch is high enough up, it should help.”

Ichimatsu raises an eyebrow at the advice. Well. What’s he got to lose, after all? He spends a moment trying to get the itch scratched after slipping the pencil down, and finally he sighs in relief. “Fuck, that’s a lot better. How’d you know that was gonna work?”

Choromatsu grins self-consciously, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Ah, well… remember when I broke my arm? When I went for my checkup, I had this itch inside the cast that was driving me nuts. So the nurse showed me this trick. It doesn’t always work, but…”

“Huh… well… thanks.” After everything, he’s just really tired and ready to sleep now. He would cross his fingers that nothing else disturbs him if he felt like moving at all.

“Heh, no problem. All good now?”

“I think so.” When he sees his brother straighten up to head back to the couch, his brain evidently thinks it’s good to say something. “H… hey. Choromatsu?”

Choromatsu looks back down, concern etched on his features. “Ah, yeah? What’s up?”

His heart is hammering so fast it feels like it’s trying to break more of his ribs. He doesn’t really want to embarrass himself. It’s just… he feels… “Can you… can you… stay for a minute? Down here?”

“Oh… yeah, sure. I can’t stay too long… I-I can’t sleep next to you. I might accidentally hurt you.” Even so, he lowers himself back down, sitting cross-legged and reaching to stroke Ichimatsu’s hair.

He nods. That’s part of the problem. Even though he normally wouldn’t have much complaint about being left to his own devices… he’s used to sleeping next to his brothers. Right on the end beside Karamatsu. When he’s not feeling well, being absent from them is apparently not doing him any favors. “I know. It’s just…”

His eyes drift closed once more. It must be the medicine making him feel out of it and way too honest. “… I think I’m gonna get lonely sleeping like this.”

“O-oh… gosh.” He can practically hear the frown in Choromatsu’s voice. The other man’s hand combs through his hair, a rhythmic and repetitive motion that makes him sleepy again. “I can probably… sleep like this, propped up against the couch. Is that okay?”

“Mmmh… I don’t want you to have to do that… you’ll make your back sore.”

He chuckles. “Ah, I-I think I can handle it. Even if that’s true, it’d be worth it to me so you don’t have to feel lonely. It’s the least I can do for my little brother.”

“I can’t stop you,” Ichimatsu mumbles. Sleep is scrabbling its tiny, strong fingers at him, trying to pull him down. It’s getting hard to resist. “If you want…”

“Yeah… yeah, I wanna do this for you.” Choromatsu leans down to press a small kiss to the top of Ichimatsu’s head. “Hey. Love you, Ichimacchan. Try to get some rest, okay?”

He doesn’t have to tell Ichimatsu twice. Within a minute of Choromatsu’s urging, he’s fallen back into a peaceful darkness.

-

When Ichimatsu wakes up the next morning, Choromatsu’s presence has been replaced by Jyushimatsu’s.

As much as he loves his immediate older brother, he doesn’t have any complaints. He and Jyushimatsu are very close, and his younger brother being here is pretty soothing to wake up to.

He’s uncharacteristically quiet, though that’s not to say he isn’t his usual energetic self. He appears to be flipping through baseball cards, maybe organizing them in his little album, humming to himself. There’s also one hand free to play with Ichimatsu’s hair, which he supposes is why he still feels relaxed.

“Hey, Jyushi.” His body reminds him why stretching is a bad idea right now, so he settles for arching his back a little in an effort to make something pop. Everything is sore. Even that little bit of movement hurts his ribs enough that he has trouble catching his breath for a minute. “Fuck… morning.”

“Oh! Yeah, it is morning!” Jyushimatsu is chipper as always, though when he leans in for a hug, he’s surprisingly gentle. “How’d you sleep, Ichimatsu-nii-san?”

“Okay, I guess. I still hurt a bunch.”

“Yeahhhh, you were crying in your sleep! But it’s okay! Because guess what? Jyushi is here!” He grins, nuzzling his cheek against Ichimatsu’s. It’s a bit weird, but par for the course as far as Jyushimatsu is concerned. Besides, the hug is nice after the fear of being lonely last night. “Did you have nightmares, huh?”

Now that he mentions it… yep. Ichimatsu’s dreams, or what he remembers of them, were filled with horrible things. The memory of being hit by the car, or the images of either Karamatsu or Totty being hit because he wasn’t fast enough.

He recalls one piece of a dream which involved looking into his own chest and seeing the end of a fractured rib shatter his glass heart.

A shudder runs through his body, prompting Jyushimatsu to tighten his grip just slightly. “Oh, you’re cold! It’s past breakfast, ‘cause you slept for a really long time, but I’ll go get you some tea!! Sound good?”

Given that his appetite hasn’t come back from war, that sounds better than anything else. Though he did manage to choke down that rice and miso last night, he’s not sure if he wants to eat even anything bland. “Yeah, sounds good. Put just a little bit of agave syrup in it for me?”

“Yeah! Anything for Ichimatsu-nii-san! Be right back, okay?”

With Jyushimatsu, ‘be right back’ is typically how it goes. He’s only gone for a few minutes, or at least it only seems like a few minutes.

Regardless, Ichimatsu has a cup of tea in his hand relatively quickly. Almost as if his brother predicted that it would be difficult to hold something very hot with only one hand, the tea is warm, not boiling hot.

It’s easier to balance it with one hand, plus this means it’s pretty much the perfect temperature to drink. As he starts to sip it, he feels Jyushimatsu’s hand, covered entirely by his sleeve, rubbing affectionately between his shoulder blades. “It’s good, huh?”

He swallows and gives the other a nod. “Yeah, pretty good. Thanks.” Thankfully, it should wake him up, too. He’s still feeling kind of groggy.

“Good!! Osomatsu-nii-san said he’s gonna give you your medicine in a minute, since I told him you were up and hurting.” Jyushimatsu shoves his binder of cards away, shifting up to sit on the sofa. “Do you want me to move you up here after you’re done drinking?”

“Probably, yeah. You got anything you wanna do today?” Another sip, and he sighs in relief feeling the warmth flow through him. Damn.He can’t believe he could take something as simple as a cup of tea in the morning for granted. “I can’t really help with baseball practice… but we could watch TV together or something.”

“Sure! We can watch whatever you want!” After only a few seconds, Jyushimatsu wiggles himself back down and leans against his big brother’s shoulder. “Hey, Ichimatsu-nii-san… I’m really glad you’re okay. Even though you’re hurt and everything, you’re home with us instead of… being not home with us!”

The least he can do is let his head rest gently against Jyushimatsu’s. “Yeah… I’m glad I’m home, too. Don’t think I’d rather be anywhere else.”

Jyushimatsu nods eagerly, making a brief, dull wave of pain wash through Ichimatsu. However, he’d rather have that pain than not have his little brother close. “We’ll take really good care of you! Just say if you need anything, okay? I’m really strong and I can get anything! … And if I can’t, Osomatsu-nii-san probably can!”

“Heh.” Ichimatsu takes another gulp of his tea. “You guys are the best.”

-

True to Jyushimatsu’s word, Osomatsu is in pretty soon to give Ichimatsu the painkillers. For whatever reason, even when he can’t be trusted with literally anything else, the eldest is pretty good at monitoring medicine when one of the others needs it.

All things being equal, Ichimatsu has a lot of faith in taking medicine when Osomatsu keeps track of it. He knows how much was dispensed, how many Ichimatsu is supposed to take and how often, how many are left, and all the related things. He’s like some kind of idiot savant who was put on Earth to be a pill counter.

After he takes it, he expects to start getting tired again, so he silently begs Osomatsu to stay on the couch with him. They’re all supposed to be hanging out anyway, based on what Jyushimatsu said, so right now he decides he wants to be close to his oldest brother for a little bit.

Osomatsu seems all too happy to oblige, snuggling Ichimatsu as close as he dares to. It’s probably not a good idea to use normal force, so the touches are… lighter than usual. It’s not so bad.

He settles in on Osomatsu’s shoulder, trying to get his eyes to focus on the show Jyushimatsu turned it to for him. It’s kind of unfortunate that he’s almost certainly going to fall asleep on it. “You guys are taking really good care of me,” he sighs, letting his eyes slip closed. “You want my allowance? Or, like… a bag of sardines?”

Osomatsu snorts. “What? You’re nuts, man. We’re taking care of you because we want to and because you need it. I mean, if I was sitting here with a broken leg, a broken wrist, broken ribs, and had to have my shoulder cherry popped back into place, wouldn’t you all be like, ‘Wow, maybe we should give the poor bastard a hand’? We’re just doing the same thing for you that we’d do for any one of us.”

Ichimatsu huffs. “Yeah, well… you’re all doing a lot. Karamatsu went in the kitchen past midnight to make me miso and rice, Choromatsu probably fucked up his back sleeping against the couch so I wouldn’t be lonely, Jyushi’s waiting on me, and you’ve got my medicine on a damn schedule or something.”

“Yeah, well,” Osomatsu grins, “I can’t leave it up to you, crackhead.”

He can’t help but chuckle at that. Even so, it’s not going to make him totally drop this. “I’m serious. You guys are…”

Osomatsu nudges him carefully. ��We’re being brothers, you boner. I know we suck at showing it sometimes, but… you know we all love each other, right? I guess it’s easier to show it when one of us is sick or hurt. Just so happens you’re the hurt one right now. And also your ass is on painkillers, so everything seems weird to you.”

… Okay, so maybe he can’t fault that logic. Still, though.

They’re both quiet for a long moment while they watch the screen, then Osomatsu lets out a soft hum. “You did good, you know. I don’t like that you tried to get yourself killed, but you did good.”

“I wasn’t trying to get myself killed,” Ichimatsu retorts with the nastiest facial expression he can muster right now. “I didn’t wanna get hit, either. But Karamatsu and Totty weren’t paying attention… I didn’t want them to get hit. I was trying to get us all out of that way… I just wasn’t fast enough.”

Osomatsu scoffs before reaching his hand up to ruffle Ichimatsu’s hair. He appears to be getting a lot of pets like that lately, not that he’s complaining. It feels really good and is one of the biggest comforts he has right now. “You protected them, anyway. I can’t say too much, because you didn’t do anything I wouldn’t have done if it were me.”

Ichimatsu offers a low, mocking wail. “Oh, shit. I’m turning into you. I think I’d rather be a cat. If I were a really bratty cat, you’d still be nice enough to feed me sardines and scratch behind my ears, right?”

“Uhhhh, I guess. You’re changing the subject, you dick.” A small puff of laughter makes his bangs move. “I just… wanna say I really respect you, man. Sometimes I remember the days when you would kick Karamatsu in the leg just for breathing the wrong way. And when you used to blow Totty off to hang with your friends in high school.”

He gets a shrug in response. “People change. We’ve all changed a lot.”

“Yeah, sure. I know.” His arm shifts down and he squeezes Ichimatsu’s good hand in that reassuring, proud way only an older sibling can. “They haven’t all been good changes. But seeing you trying to keep the others safe… that’s a a good change. Just gotta give you your props, Ichimacchan.”

He’s too tired to really argue with Osomatsu. Despite the fact that he knows he’s the shittiest of them all, he has to at least silently acknowledge that what he did prevented one of his older brothers and his baby brother from being in the same pain he’s in right now.

Instead of saying anything meaningful, he just presses himself in more against Osomatsu and mutters, “That’s nice. I’m tired.”

Osomatsu snorts and Ichimatsu feels a light kiss on top of his head. “Alright, dumbass, get some sleep. The pills are probably kicking in. Let me know if you need anything.”

Ichimatsu thinks that, right now, all he needs is his big brother to be the perfect pillow, and he’s doing a pretty good job of that.

-

Although it’s not dark at all the next time Ichimatsu wakes up, it’s significantly later than he meant to sleep. 3 P.M., meaning that once again he’s slept through a meal ― lunch, this time.

Just like last night, he finds that he’s not really all that hungry. Even so, it might be a good idea to eat, so probably he ask Osomatsu to get him something small.

When he shifts and looks over, though, Osomatsu isn’t there anymore. Instead, there’s Totty…

… Oh.

He’s holding onto Ichimatsu pretty tight. Ichimatsu isn’t sure he can move too much with the way Totty is holding him.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Totty? Everything okay?”

His little brother stiffens, wide eyes suddenly turning up to look at him. Unlike what he noticed about Karamatsu, Totty doesn’t have any physical injuries, but… the skin around his eyes is red and puffy. “Y… yeah, it’s all good. Sorry, am I hurting you?”

“No… not really hurting.” He doesn’t remember having seen Totty too much after everything happened. He visited Ichimatsu in the hospital, all teary-eyed and not talking, before they were all allowed to take him home. Once he got home, though, he can’t recall Totty being around a lot even though everyone else was.

He assumed Totty was freaked out after everything and avoiding him just because he’s emotional right now. Seems Ichimatsu was right about that.

He maneuvers his good arm to put it around Totty’s shoulders, pulling him in closer. “Have you been crying? You sure you’re okay?”

Totty sniffles and dips his head down. “Yeah, sorry… I just…”

“Don’t be sorry, dumbass.” Even though it hurts a little to move so much, Ichimatsu cuddles his brother in against him. “It’s fine, you big crybaby. I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”

“I should be the one making sure you’re okay.” Regardless, Totty nestles in, tucking his head under Ichimatsu’s chin. It’s a bit of a weight on his hurt ribs, but it’s not that bad. “… H-hey. I, um. You know. I… I love you.”

Huh. It’s been a while since Totty has said that point-blank to any of his brothers, Ichimatsu thinks. It’s kind of nice to hear. He closes his eyes and offers an appreciative hum. “I love you, too. That it?”

Totty lets out a frustrated sigh, and Ichimatsu can just imagine the pout he has on his face. Kinda cute. He can’t really help himself; the youngest is always gonna be the baby, always gonna be adorable, even when he’s acting like a little bitch or if he wants to deny it. “I wanted to… say I’m sorry.”

“For…?”

“For… everything! Y-you know, for almost getting hit and… I mean, you got hurt trying to protect me and Karamatsu! If I hadn’t tried to follow him without even looking… you wouldn’t have had to worry about me. And… and I haven’t been with you too much since you got home…”

He nuzzles his head against Ichimatsu’s collarbone, kneading his hand against the top of his brother’s good leg. “I’m sorry about that. It’s just… I’ve been… really upset. It was scary, seeing the car hit you…”

The hum Ichimatsu gives this time is lower, pensive and understanding. “Yeah. Mom said you were crying a lot when she got to the hospital. ‘S okay to be kinda freaked out, you know.”

“Yeah, I know… and I was… am.I was scared the whole time… Karamatsu tried to wake you up, but you were just lying there and you wouldn’t…” Totty sniffles and his hand curls into a weak fist against Ichimatsu’s knee. “I didn’t wanna lose you, Ichimatsu-nii-san, and I was really afraid you were gone. I’m happy you’re okay… I just… I-I was pretty sure I was gonna cry the first time I tried to take care of you, so I… wanted to be alone with you. Crying in front of all you guys is…”

Ichimatsu nods to quiet his brother, ghosting a kiss over the top of Totty’s head. “I get it. It’s okay, Totty. C’mere, okay… you don’t have to be sorry for being freaked out and not wanting to cry and all that shit. I’m sure Karamatsu’s freaked out, too. And everyone else. Don’t apologize for your feelings, stupid.”

An indignant huff is the response he gets, before Totty presses in against Ichimatsu’s uninjured shoulder. “It just makes me think a lot,” he finally confesses.

Ichimatsu smirks. “Right. And you’re so out of practice with thinking, it’s hard. I know.”

“Th-that’s not it, you jerk!” Totty whines and brings his arms in, curled against his chest. His knees come up onto the couch, folded under him, as he tries to get comfortable. “It makes me think… anything could happen, at any moment, and that… might be it.And I know we’re all shitty to each other a lot of the time, but… but I love all of you.”

He sniffles, snuggling against Ichimatsu when his big brother pulls him even closer. “The thought that one of us might… die… I-I didn’t… I didn’t know how afraid I was of that… till I thought it happened. If one of us wasn’t here… it… it wouldn’t be the same anymore.”

“… Yeah.” Ichimatsu gives Totty a squeeze that’s maybe a little tighter than necessary. It’s not like he can pretend that Totty is wrong. He’s right. Even though they’re all assholes and treat each other like crap sometimes, the last thing any of them want is for their family to be… incomplete.

They sit quietly for what feels like a long time, holding each other. Breathing. Just existing in sync, in perfect understanding for a while.

Sometimes, it’s true, Ichimatsu is kind of a death seeker. Sometimes he really does want to die. Sometimes he doesn’t care about anything, and just wants it all to end so he doesn’t have to deal with the weight of life anymore.

Sometimes, though… sometimes he fights death with all he has. He thinks maybe that’s what happened after he got hit by the car.

It would have been easy to die then. To just let his injuries swallow him up and put out his life like blowing out a candle.

He’s in a lot of pain right now, but he’s not dead. There must be a reason, right?

He thinks this is the reason.

Holding his youngest brother and realizing how broken his absence would leave his family, thinking about how broken it would be if anyof them were gone, how much they love each other…

… For once, he’s happy to be alive.

[blackacre13]

Why I Wrote It BINGO

I was tagged by @lilolilyr​ and thought I’d give it a whirl so there’s a unique/bizarre reading list for y’all swirling around out there somewhere. Enjoy!

Tagging: Anyone can do this too (I’m the worst at tagging others, but this was fun!) Just start from scratch and make your own post instead of reblogging because they can get long! [Mostly ao3 selections listed, but some prompts too!]

Fixing Canon:

Only If For a Night (Debbie is granted furlough for Danny’s death and spends time with Lou)

I just want them to kiss:

Look for prompts under “Kissing” under the Touches Ask Game Prompts

This idea won't shut up until I write it:

You, And Only You (Jacob Palmer/Hannah from Crazy, Stupid, Love AU)

Found a prompt list:

Heist Wives Angst/Fluff Prompt Asks

Touches Ask Game: Hugging, Kissing, Touching, Hand-holding

Everyone lives and nothing hurts:

This is Just Like Last Time (exactly what you think. Debbie has pulled this shit before. Goes from the 90′s pre-canon and ends post-canon)

Saw the plot and needed it for my OTP:

You Shook Me All Night Long (This is what happens when you fall asleep to watching Friends. Debbie and Lou meet at Danny and Tess’s wedding and hook up)

I woke up at 3am with this idea:

This is a surprise...

This is going to be so HOT:

Does your Mother know? (Age gap: Thief Debbie/Club owner Lou)

Professor Debbie x Student Lou (Think The L Word a la Bette Dean energy)

Thought of a great scene:

Bloom (Deb and Lou are secretly dating. So are Rusty and Danny. They pose as swapped out/straight couples to get away with sharing the holidays at The Ocean household)

Fuck this character in particular:

Lawyer!Lou x Defendant!Debbie AU (Claude’s backstory here is pure spite and it’s going to get worse)

Unpleasant surprise from Lou’s past (Felt the need to give Deb’s mention of Ivy some weird Fuck you energy)

But what happened BEFORE canon:

This is Just Like Last Time (exactly what you think. Debbie has pulled this shit before. Goes from the 90′s pre-canon and ends post-canon)

Spite:

Lawyer!Lou x Defendant!Debbie AU (Claude’s backstory here is pure spite and it’s going to get worse)

But what if they were gay?: 

I think this is every Loubbie fic/prompt I have ever written so like start there 

Thought of a great line:

Medicine--“I’m interested in brain surgery,” Lou offered as an example./”Well, we both know that’s not going to happen.” Debbie said matter-of-factly./Debbie regretted her words the instant they passed out of her mouth./Lou felt an ice-cold shiver run down her spine./”Really, Debs? You wanna go there?”

O11 vs. O8 Heist--”Well, Danny boy. It’s a heist. Think back to your nonsense with NyQuil Fig--”/”Night Fox,”/”Whatever,” Lou huffed......//”I’m sure you’ll come up with something. Nothing, say, like an egg.”/”One egg, Miller,” he sighed. “I’ve stolen one egg. A very important one.”/”It’s still an egg, Ocean.”

I just need them to suffer:

The Visitors (Lou loses it after Debbie’s sentencing)

Somewhere a Clock is Ticking (Debbie in jail vs. Lou dealing with it outside)

It came to me in a dream:

You Shook Me All Night Long (This is what happens when you fall asleep to watching Friends. Debbie and Lou meet at Danny and Tess’s wedding and hook up)

I don’t even know:

Except for My Aunt Ida (Aunt Ida is gay and has a partner. She calls out Lou and Deb’s relationship before they do.)

You’re The One That I want (Grease AU that may remain unfinished but what the hell)

Fixing fanon:

No specific fic, but I want to announce that it’s Deborah not Debra and you will never see me having Deb or Lou calling Deb or Lou “mommy”; come on y’all, that’s not them.

But what happens AFTER canon:

The Long Con (Debbie wants another job. Lou wants to retire. Debbie has a compromise and a disguise for the married couple)

Fever (Lou distracts Debbie from grieving Danny in the middle of the night)

If no one else will write it, I will:

Hotel California (Debbie dies before she gets out of prison/Lou mourns with ghost Deb...I don’t know guys, just trust me)

Just to see if I could:

Carol x Therese mommy kink (to see if I could use the kink/write Carol fic)

OT3: Bottom!Lou x Top!Debbie x Top!Tammy (to see if I could handle Bottom!Lou and an OT3 when my mind screams Top!Lou and Loubbie for life)

OT3 Deb/Lou/Rose (see if I could handle an OT3 and seeing Rose like this)

[jaideite]

Hc of Older Bakugo with baby fever? Just a thought.

B-Baby fever 🥺 yes this will be done !!!

this turned out longer then what it was supposed to be but it’s worth it for the scene at the end hehehe

dead tho I’m so sorry at how long this is I really got into it I—

OLDER!BAKUGOU WITH BABY FEVER

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

— it was literally the classic “save a baby” situation

— he could hear the kid screaming but where was the damn thing

— you had already left the building so there was no way to ask for some backup so he just went in

— “bRING YOUR ASS BACK HERE!”

— “tHERES A BABY—“

— eventually he finds it and

— uh oh

— its like a four month old baby

— he kind of just :/ because his gauntlet explosion thingies dont really allow him to hold things

— so he just kind of takes them off and leaves them, and picks up the baby and rushes out

— and just then the building explodes and you just see Ground Zero hurtling out the building and rolling on the ground

— he watches as one of his gauntlets flies out damaged and he just

— >:/

— but his main concern is the baby

— which he gently pulls the blanket off to reveal a soft face with pretty eyes staring him happily and tiny hands waving up at him

— he gives a soft smile and gently pokes its cheek and it giggles, gripping his gloved hand hand trying to put it into its mouth

— “Ah, ah, ah, no, that could get you sick.” He speaks softly, pulling his finger away and the baby just

— gummy smiles at him

— he smiles back like >:>

— the media is going nuts and they’re all smart enough to not speak and just take their damn pictures

— you kinda make your way over softly and your heart just clenches at the scene

— eventually he looks up at you from the ground and you crouch down to his level to see the baby too

— “hi baby!” You coo

— And this kid is just loving it man

— y’all are fine giving him the attention too because you’ve never really seen your husband interact with kids and he’s never seen you interact with them either

— it makes him wonder would you be good with his kids

— until you know he just spits on Katsuki

— you expect him to place the baby in your arms but he just sighs and grumbles about “damn stupid babies” and gets up

— the baby just sits on his chest and puts its fingers in its mouth and gurgles

— and your jusr gently take it from him

— “Awe you threw up? That’s okay, you’re probably a little sick, too. Why don’t we go see the good doctor and get you checked up?”

— he watches you in awe as you just work your mommy magic on the baby and walk away

— later on when you guys are home he just

— “You were really good with that baby.”

— you look over from whatever you’re doing on your side of the bed and smile “You too. It seems you have a knack for not making little kids cry.”

— “Hey it was one time!”

— “Katsuki that kid was twelve.”

— “Tch.”

— there’s more silence and then

— “Y’know it would be nice to have one.”

— “Hm?”

— “Litte you’s and me’s runnin’ around. . . heh. . .causing chaos.”

— you gotta pause for a second and look over to him from where he’s laying because are y’all serious having this conversation

— “Katsuki...” you start slowly “Do you...want a baby?”

— Theres silence on his end, and the sheets ruffle. “Yeah...Yeah I do...”

— You blink at him in surprise not because of the baby thing

— It’s because you honestly thought he was going to throw a big fit about denying it

— but here he is, staring you in the eye and saying he wants a baby

— and you just

— “Oh, okay.”

— he kind of just stares at you and you stare back

— and then he kinda whispers

— “Are you serious?”

— “Are you serious?” You retort back softly “This is a big decision, and if we make it we can’t back out on it, you know that right?”

— He takes a long pause and hums, nodding and turning around in the bed saying goodnight and just ending the conversation

— you just ‘Mmm’ and follow, heading to bed and wrapping your arm around him softly

— it’s brought up a few days later when the report of you two holding the little baby is brought on TV

— “You didn’t even get mad like I thought you would you just let it slide and moved on.”

— “Life’s too short to be angry over that.”

— “Hmm. And if your kid puked on you?”

— “Depends on how old they are. If they’re puking on me at 12 their ass is getting grounded.”

— “No butt whoopings?”

— “What the hell would that do? Take away their shit—more effective.”

— “Why no whoopings?”

— “You’ve met my mother, correct?”

— The topic isn’t brought up until it’s mentioned again amongst your classmates a couple weeks later

— “Who knew Bakugou was so good with babies?”

— “Can it, Round Face.”

— “Honestly, despite his shit personality, he’d be a good parent, not gonna lie.”

— “Ugh, stop talking would you?”

— and then he overhears you waking to the girls

— “When do you plan on having kids, y/n?”

— You guys kind of just freeze and you give out a little chuckle and fiddle with your clothes

— “We’ve, talked about it...but haven’t made a decision yet...besides we’re still young, we’ve got some time.”

— “Ain’t no time like the present!”

— “Shut the fuck up, Dunce Face.”

— When you guys get home and cuddle up in bed, you kind of just start talking out of no where

— “Y’know I saw a lady and her baby earlier this week. She was so cute, a little mischievous but still cute. Her mother was just so annoyed but she had a smile on her face. It was so cute.”

— he peeks an eye open and listens to you just talk about all the times you’ve come into contact with kids—some good, making him let out a small laugh, and some bad, making him cringe a little until finally he asks

— “Y/N, do you want to have kids?”

— the room is silent until you speak again

— “Of course I want to have kids,” you speak softly, fiddling with his fingers. “But when I decided I wanted to be a hero...kids just kind of left the picture.”

— “...they could possibly come back into it.” He speaks softly and you stop, going still and closing your eyes

— “Do you really want kids?” You speak ever so softly. He kind of just closes his eyes and rests in the crook of your neck

— to you it seems like the whole world seemed to just stop

— and then

— “Yeah...yeah. I want kids too.”

B O N U S:

— so like after about eight, nine months almost a year of talking about wanting to have kids y’all start trying

— and you’re annoyed because oH mY gOd y/N jUsT gEt pReGnAnT —

— so it’s been like six months since you guys started trying and then one morning just about a few weeks before his birthday

— he makes you your morning tea you catch a wiff of it like you usually do

— and then all of a sudden he’s yelling at you for shoving the cup in his hands that tea was hot and you’re clutching the bathroom door and throwing up on the floor

— you’re pissed cause you didn’t make it and now you’re sick so you can’t go into work

— you just ‘huuuugh’ and move to the toilet as you hear your husband make a comment and move to clean it up

— eventually you feel his fingers combing your hair as you throw up your dinner which you’re pissed cause he made a good ass dinner last night

— “Did you get fucking food poisoning or something?”

— you just reply with a caveman like grunt and he snorts

— “Come on. I’ve got to get ready for work so let me get you fucking situated.”

— so while he’s out you make your way up to get some medicine and schedule a doctors appointment

— and so a couple days goes by and at this point you’re just puking left and right

— now you’ve got a bucket next to you full of puke every five minutes and you just feel ewk

— “I remeber why I married you.”

— “Katsuki if you don’t shut your mouth—“

— eventually your trudge into the doctors office and you get a shock

— “Your pregnant, Mrs. Bakugou. Congratulations.”

— “Oh. Oh okay.”

— It finally hit you in the car and you just

— “OH MY FUCKING GOD IM PREGNANT—“

— you can’t wait to tell Katsuki but then you remember watching those videos

— and as your walking into the house you realize his birthday is in a two weeks

— so you could give it to him as a birthday surprise

— so immediately you start looking for cute ideas to do

— none of them seem to work until one popped up and you just ‘yes’

— so you’re calling all his friends his family and telling them to just all come and help plan this thing (you don’t tell them your pregnant you want that to be a surprise)

— you are so excited and can barely keep yourself from telling him

— he suspects something is up but your a woman he could have hurt your feelings and not told him wow that sounded sexist dont attack me pls

— he’s learned not to dwell too much when you say “nothing it’s fine”

— but anyways the big day comes up and you guys are in a panic because

— the balloons needed to be blown up

— the streamers aren’t staying up

— the cake hasn’t arrived yet

— everything is just a mess

— you just stare at the mess of your apartment in annoyance and anger and frustration and then you just let it all out

— and everyone’s kind of just shocked because your a tough girl you don’t usually cry

— but now your just curled into a ball and you sound like a four year old

— your crying gets only worse when the keys jiggle and in comes your husband

— he kinda just takes in the mess behind him and then realizes someone is crying so he just looks around and sees it’s you

— hes immediately concerned and crouches down to you and you just cry harder

— “What the hell happened?”

— “This! This—all of this! Today just went so wrong!”

— “Hey, we can still fix this shit up—“

— “No, no we can’t! This was supposed to be special we had all your presents and we were supposed to have a cake and we were supposed to say surprise when you came in—“

— “Surprise...” Someone mumbles and you just start sniffing and curl into him

— “It wasn’t supposed to go like this I was going to surprise you and tell you I’m pregnant but everything just turned out so—uuughh.”

— by now your just red faced and tear streaked and a sobbing mess

— but his hearing kinda stopped after you said pregnant

— You, y/n are pregnant

— “Y-Your...w-what—“

— you look up to meet his eyes “I was going to surprise you and tell you that I’m pregnant but now it’s out there so,” you just wave your hands around “yeah. I’m fucking pregnant. Happy 24th Birthday.”

— he just stares and so does everyone else lmfao and you just pull your knees to your chest and hide your face

— it’s silent for a while and you hear shuffling and a door open and look up

— it’s just you and him now

— “H-How long—“

— “Two months, but I found out a few weeks ago. It was supposed to be a surprise—“

— “Hey hey hey,” he starts trying to calm you down. He takes your face into his sweaty hands and kisses you “it’s...it’s fine...it’s alright...this is a better birthday gift anyways.”

— you sniff “I wanted to surprise you.”

— “Our kid is a big enough fucking birthday gift anyways.”

— you choke on a laugh and hug him, mumbling a soft “I love you.”

— he wraps his arms around you too and whispers a soft “I love you too...”

— “...and I love our baby as well.”

[good-doctor-imagine]

Broken Arm (Eddie Kaspbrak)

Pairing: Eddie Kaspbrak x Platonic! Reader

Request: “Could you write a platonic Eddie Kaspbrak imagine of the reader his best friend and being a fellow Loser and her sneaking into his house after trying to get through to his mom in order to check on him after the Losers breakup?”

Summary: After the incident at the Neibolt house, you’re so worried about Eddie that you sneak in to check on him.

Warning: some swearing

Word Count: 1600+

Eddie Kaspbrack. An anxious, scared loser, but also your best friend. You both were close, spending all the time you could together. The losers joked that you two were basically conjoined at the hip because they had never seen one of you without the other. That’s why you were taking the recent separation so hard. You’ve never felt so afraid before, so alone. He wouldn’t even look at you after the incident.

Everything tore your heart in half, from waking up and seeing pictures of the two of you on the wall to walking outside with an empty feeling always lingering. It felt like you were left on an island by yourself. All of the losers were split up, trying to move on by themselves. As much as you were trying to, you couldn’t move on. It was like every day you were trudging through quicksand.

You felt like the only way to fix this was to actually see him again. Even if he told you that he hated you, that he despised you, you need some sort of closure with your best friend. However, you weren’t sure how you were going to get to him. The day after the incident, you attempted to ask his mom if you could see him, but she ended up giving you a nasty look and saying it was your fault for the pain he’d gone through before shutting the door in your face.

In the moment, you were startled, you never felt that frightened around his mom before. Mrs. Kaspbrak was always fond of you, knowing how good of friends you were with Eddie. She knew that everything was strictly platonic between the two of you, and you truly cared about him. She knew that you would remind him to take his pills (not that he really needed a reminder) and be cautious of the places you went to. Now, she didn’t hesitate to cut you off.

This made you wary for a while, afraid that if you stepped foot on their property, she’d be running after you with a broom. Tonight, you didn’t care about that. You made a plan. You knew that the window to their hall bathroom was always unlocked. It was a bit weird for the worry-oriented family but you never questioned it.

You managed to stick one leg through the window before you heard anything. Frozen in place, you strained your ears to hear where the noise was coming from and who exactly it was. If you were caught by his mother, you might as well be strangled. You were prepared to throw yourself out of the window until you heard the footsteps disappear away from the door.

Cautiously, you slid into the room, making a mental note of the things that could make noise around you. You felt relieved, step one was already over with. That relief, however, didn’t last very long. Without warning, the door handle to the bathroom started to turn, making you jump into the shower, hiding behind the curtains. When the light turned on, you were trying your best to stick to the side of the wall, praying that they couldn’t see your shadow. Through the crack of the curtain, you practically sighed when you saw Eddie instead of his mother. When his hand started to travel to his zipper, though, you panicked.

“Stop!” You whispered aggressively at him, not wanting to experience that whole mess. If you left him alone, you knew that you would have been scarred for life.

Eddie yelped, jumping back from the shower in fear as you stepped out. You needed him to calm down or his mother would barge in. You hesitated, not sure what to say until it popped into your head. “I know that you refused to kiss Sarah because she had cold sores and you were afraid that you would get herpes.”

Eddie stopped trembling and grumbled a curse under his breath. He was relieved that it was really you and not an impression of you. You were the only one he told about that because he was extremely embarrassed about the situation and he knew that if he told Richie, he wouldn’t shut up about it.

“Eddie, are you okay?” His mom called from the living room.

“Yes mommy!” He responded, giving you a pointed look. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He whispered to you, trying not to alarm his mom.

“I-I was worried,” You stuttered, not sure of what to say. “We’ve never been apart for so long. What was I supposed to do?”

“Um, I don’t know, knock?” Eddie answered, shaking his head at you.

“You don’t think I tried that Eds?” You said defensively, “Your mom basically hates me now. She’d have an aneurysm if she knew I was in the house.”

Eddie closed his eyes, trying to process what was happening. He knew that either way, he had to leave the bathroom soon or his mom would attempt to check on him. “Okay, you sneak off to my room while I try to distract my mom.”

You pushed down your frustration and gave him a nod. As soon as he left the bathroom, you slid around him and took off to the stairs as quietly as possible. Going up the stairs was pretty easy, you’d been there so many times before that you memorized every step that would creak and avoided them. Eddie’s door, however, was a different story. He probably has the creakiest door ever. His mom probably never fixes it because that way she knows where her son is at all times in the house. You cursed under your breath when you realized that Eddie’s door was closed, leaving you to crouch in the corner until Eddie got away from his mom. You had to pray that his mom didn’t follow him.

While you were figuring out a plan, Eddie was downstairs with his mom, fidgeting ever so often because of how nervous he was. What if his mom finds out that you snuck in? You’re right, she’d probably have an aneurysm. 

“Eddie bear, are you okay?” His mom asked, making Eddie jump.

“Uh, yeah mommy. I think I’m just tired.” Eddie stood up from his chair and walked over to his mom, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Okay Eddie, make sure you take your medicine before you lay down.”

“Yes mommy,” He responded before walking down the hallway and up the stairs where he saw you crouched in the corner. He gave you a confused look before opening his bedroom door, which gave off a loud squeak. You were so glad that his mom didn’t decide to go to bed too and tiptoed into his bedroom.

Now that you were finally alone, you had no clue what to say. It’s not like you’ve done anything significant since you split up and you doubt he has done much of anything because of his overbearing mother. “So, does it hurt?” You blurted out once he closed his door.

You grimaced at yourself as he walked around his room and sat at the top of his bed, a pillow propped up so he would have something soft to lean on.

“Sorry, bad question,” You tried to recover, fidgeting in the middle of his room.

“It’s better,” Eddie responded, ignoring your last comment. He didn’t seem very talkative, he looked more interested in whatever he had in his hands at the moment.

“I’m sorry,” You began, stopping Eddie from messing with whatever he had, “I’m sorry for the- whatever happened at the Neibolt house. I should have- I knew you going in there would be a bad idea. That’s where you saw IT in the first place, so there’s no way you should have went in there. Even though everybody kind of went there separate ways, Richie keeps asking me how you’re doing and it hurts to say I don’t know. I should have been with you, they always say that we’re joined at the hip, right?” You laughed softly, leaning your head down. 

“It’s fine, you know?” Eddie tried to comfort you. Seeing you so upset about him made him feel weird. Now, don’t get him wrong, things between you and Eddie were strictly platonic and you both liked it that way, not seeing any other sort of attraction in each other. But, it hurt Eddie to know his best friend was feeling troubled because he failed to get in touch with you. But who could blame him?

“I’m upset,” Eddie continued, “I’m upset that Bill and them believe that we’re the only ones that can take this thing down. Like, we’re kids for fucks sake! It’s summer and I shouldn’t be sitting in bed with a fucking broken arm!” Eddie stopped, trying to take in some breaths to calm himself down before he got too loud.

“I agree. We shouldn’t be running around trying to find the clown thing, we should be enjoying our summer like any other kid our age,” You sighed, “I don’t want anyone to get seriously hurt, especially knowing this thing could be anywhere.”

“Glad we can agree on something,” Eddie laughed, grabbing some pills off of his nightstand. You watched as the clock turned to 10, and Eddie’s watch beeped just a second after, signaling it was time for his medication. 

“I should probably start heading out,” You said softly, “It wouldn’t be good if my parents tried to check on me and I wasn’t in my room.”

“Uh, yeah. How are you getting back?”

You stopped for a moment, thinking about how’d you get around his mom. “Well, your mom is usually glued to the tv until 11 so I think I’d be fine sneaking back through the window I came in.”

Eddie made a sour look before muttering, “We should really lock that window.”

[anonymous-girl37]

Here is my story.

Most stories tend to start with things being normal, however, for this one, it is honestly a clusterfuck of bullshit with a little bit of normalcy thrown in to give me the illusion of stability. Even when I was only nine, I remember fun and family activities were never really with just her and us- it was always with somebody else there to motivate her. I sort of had to raise Katie and Kylie on my own at some points. She took care of us technically speaking; she didn’t starve us or anything, she just wasn’t available for the emotional side of being a parent. The parts that kids grow up to remember, unfortunately for us.

One of the best examples of her neglectful care for us was around that time... Me being around age… eight? Nine? It all blurs together at some points, but the point is I was young.

My mom always takes naps, they last a whole ten minutes sometimes, but she’s always tired, maybe she’s sick. Whenever she’s sleeping, she says I get to play house with my sisters and pretend I’m the mom. My favorite is when she drives to the store for candy for us because then I make the rules for extra long. I get to make them lunch and play outside. Sometimes she lets me read them stories before their nap time, which is mommy’s relaxing time, so I get the whole rest of the house to myself. I get to make all the rules, dad never lets me do that. He doesn’t know, mommy said it’s our secret. I hate when she doesn’t get her naps in because then she’s grumpy. She went away for a whole week and she hasn’t taken a nap or been grumpy since she got back, maybe the doctors did surgery and fixed her. She’s even taking us to the park while dad’s at work tomorrow.

It’s been a week now, mommy was going to take us swimming but she said her head hurt too much, and the next day we were supposed to play in the woods but she needed to take a nap, and it was almost time for dinner when she woke up. Dad couldn’t know she was napping again, or he’d make her go away for a long time she said. She tells me I’m a good secret keeper. Maybe tomorrow she will let us go swimming.

Mommy’s been back home for two weeks and her medicine already stopped working, I wish it worked for longer cause I miss when mommy was fun. Mommy loves when I play house with my little sisters, but sometimes I get tired of it. I have to listen to her anyway. She’s better than dad because she doesn’t have any stupid rules. All dad ever does is work, we only get to play with him for a little bit after work and on the weekends.

It wasn’t something that stopped, her shitty “parenting” if you can even call it that, never improved. I was 12 years old popping Klonopin like candy, with her permission of course. Not only was she okay with me taking drugs, but she also fueled my addiction with her prescription. At least she was generous with her pills, however, she had plenty enough to share. She got a script of 90 a month from one doctor and 60 a month from another. She was good at pretending to have illnesses for drugs, and trust me, it’s extremely escalated since then. I don’t know who else she gave them away to, but when she ran out she always found a way to get more. Pills were more important to her than us having new clothes, and undergarments. She cared more about pills than saving money to do fun stuff with my sisters and me. She only ever wanted to be high, and she was so good at hiding it. She had our whole family fooled for years. She lived and still does live a life of lies. She sucks the life out of everyone she’s near. She sucked the life out of me. She had me becoming friends with kids who dealt drugs, It was a messy situation all around, I hung around people much older than me, I did drugs with men almost twice my age, however, usually Nicole was around for that part. At least she didn’t leave me alone with strange men, before the age of 13, I guess that was the cut-off. She decided I was mature enough, old enough, to hang out with men 8 years older than me. Luckily I had someone to protect me. Anthony tried to at least, to help me become my best. He wasn’t much better off than me in regards to a mother and he had a terrible drug problem. We experienced the same things in different ways. It felt like everything I went through, he did before me. Our lives were nowhere near identical. He grew up with his grandfather who fucked him out of his childhood, quite literally. I was addicted to Xanax, but that was nowhere near strong enough for his need to forget. Heroin was his kryptonite, he couldn’t get enough of it, but no matter how high he was, or how dope sick he was because he couldn’t find any, he made sure I was okay, he told me he loved me. Every day, that was the first thing I would hear him say. Our entire lives were straight ahead of us. He was poetic and artistic, and everything he said to me sounded like a quote from a book. He wanted his story heard, and he wanted me to be the one to hear it. It feels like I’m now responsible for telling the world. He never wanted anyone to know him, just who he was. He wasn’t all happy, and nice, he was a total asshole sometimes, I’m not sure that he was even aware. The love we had was one I’ll never forget though.

I’ve dropped my bottle and there’s broken glass on the ground now. I guess that’s what I get for being lost in these thoughts. It cut my leg but I can’t feel it. The glass reminds me of him. It reminds me of the night all of us got drunk and they were smashing glass bottles on the concrete. He screams “whoever runs through it gets $20 and this” as he’s holding a ½ empty bottle of rum. And some other guy told him he’d give home $100.00 to do it. So he runs through the things, falls, and has glass stuck from his feet to his knees. I’ll never forget that smell, blood, and vodka. I spent damn near two hours pulling glass out of his legs and feet and bandaging them up.

July Summer 2017

Today had to have been the best day of my life. Anthony took me to our spot, and we talked for hours, about nothing and everything, as always. We’re getting sober together. We’re going to do it. We promised. Today marks 1 day clean. Weed is an exception because fuck quitting that. I would do anything to make this man happy. I’ve known for a long time that he loves me, but today made me realize how much I truly love him too. I’m happy with him. My life is chaotic right now, but he’s my calm. He’s my peace. I can’t wait for the day we never have to leave each other again.

August 11 summer 2017

We’ve been sober for a month today. I want to go to this back to school party but Anthony is being a little bitch about it. I’ll convince him to go.

August 12 summer 2017

He died. On purpose. I made him go to the party and he overdosed. I thought he was just drunk. We cuddled on the porch swing until he fell over into my lap. He laid in my lap for 20 minutes before I knew. He had no pulse. He left a note in my back pocket. I can’t bring myself to look at it. I want to get rid of it.

My god damn room is a mess. Today marks 3 years since I lost the love of my life. I'm already drunk and it’s only 10 a.m. and of course, I, the drug addict, would take pills on a day like today. He would be so disappointed, but it’s finally come the time I read his suicide note, it’s finally the day, I’ve worked up the courage, I can do it. I need to do it. I must lock my door again, I can’t have another interruption. The door could’ve become unlocked. It’s locked, I’ve re-locked it twice now. I never imagined sitting on my bed, reading his note, his last words, whilst I’m a high and drunk mess. You’ll have that though, one of the greatest things Nicole ever taught me was to mask my feelings with drugs. I owe it to him. To read his last words. His voice still deserves to be heard.

Katrina,

I’m so sorry. I can’t keep doing this. I still kneel in the shower, and put my face down, letting the water puddle in my hands as if they could grow big enough to protect me from myself. The pain hits me randomly, it’s like I know I have lungs and I must be able to breathe, but I can’t, the air refuses to come. To this day, I get flashbacks, and I hate the feeling. It’s not normal. These are things you can’t forget. You want to rot because it’s better than being beat than being hurt. I have trouble believing anyone when they tell me they love me, but it’s easier with you. You told me I was your happiness and I gave you butterflies. My depression, my struggle, and my addiction gave you the determination to fight to make me happy. I’m sorry, but things are getting bad again. I should have never begun putting you through my pain. I don’t want help, I don’t want you to kill yourself fighting to save me, and I know you would if I didn’t stop you. You may not see it, and I doubt you will agree, but I’m doing what’s best. You have given me the greatest possible love, you have so much going for you, and you’re still so full of life, don’t lose that. Stay clean for me. I can’t fight anymore. Maybe that makes me a coward, but being a coward to the world is better than the pain that never leaves me, I’m tired of living in my hell. My eyes are full of tears writing this, and I can barely read. I owe my temporary feelings of joy to you. Anyone who knows me knows that if someone out there was going to save me, it would have been you. I can’t go on showering you in my pain, I can see the hurt in your eyes when you look at me. I hurt you because I’m so hurt I don’t know how to breathe anymore. If I die tonight, know that it’s for the best. Know that I haven’t truly been alive in a long time, that’s if I ever was at all. Don’t ruin yourself over me. Tell yourself what we had wasn’t real. Repeat to yourself that I never really loved you until you believe it. I treated you like a project, I manipulated you. Fool yourself into hating me. Because you’re going to see me in every single person. You’ll see some piece of me In everyone you meet. I know you, you’re going to look for me, whether you know you are or not, you’re going to seek me. If all of the words you said were true, you’re never going to give up looking for someone like me, you won’t find him. Find someone better. Find someone who fulfills you. You deserve a man who gives you the world even when he is falling apart. You deserve a love that doesn’t end, I want you to have those feelings again. I’m begging you not to look for me, I’m gone. I’m sorry that you’re never going to stop seeing pieces of me. Look for the good qualities, but I’m sure you’ll find the bad ones too. You’ll find my sense of humor in every funny movie, and all the chick flicks will remind you of our love. You’ll find my eyes in the face of a stranger and you’ll see my smile on little kids playing at the park. I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not. I was never sober. I told you I was because I knew if I got you started I could live with myself for leaving.

In reading this I thought I’d feel relieved, possibly ready to let the last of him go. But now I’m lost, more so than before. Now I’m angry, not with him, but with the world. You can’t hate someone for killing themselves, but you can hate the world for making them do it. You can hate the god or goddess or gods or goddesses you do or don’t believe in for letting it happen. I want to hate him, but I can’t because he’s not here, he took away my power to hate him, and so now I hate everything else. I hate everyone else. He wasn’t lying when he said I would see him in everyone. I see his good qualities somewhere in everyone, I see his bad qualities in every bad person but, I see him in everyone. It’s like when he died he became the universe, the universe swallowed him whole and he left a part of him in everyone. He picked who got his best qualities as if he knew I would find them. I do see his smile on the little kids playing at the park. I see his eyes in the only other man I’ve ever truly loved, they’re not the same, but the feelings in them are similar. I find his humor in every comedy. Sometimes I think maybe what he said was true, that he’d always be there for me whether physically present or not, because sometimes, on some of my worst days, I feel him. For just a minute, I can let myself pretend he isn’t gone. I can let myself pretend he never left this earth. Then my whole world comes crashing right back down. He swore to me he was sober. He promised. I think he only lied so I would be okay. I resent him for telling me to hate him. Because I can’t hate him, I want to so badly, but It’s impossible. Any pain he put me through was nothing compared to how he felt.

That's enough about him for now, as we're going to have to re-open that discussion later. Peach vodka sounds fantastic right now, I'll have a whipped pinnacle and peach smoothie. I could not have possibly made it any stronger than it is. Thank god for mind-altering substances, because quite frankly, I would be dead without them.

Nicole, if you're reading this, how did you do what you did? How were you content with yourself in the way you raised my sisters and me? Did you plan it all, or did you just go with the flow and lie when necessary? You never left a bruise, hell, you never even hit us. You scarred us permanently though, my sisters may not see it yet, but I do. Instead of giving us scars that would heal physically and show your crimes, you gave us invisible ones. The ones that people will deny us having for the rest of our lives. The ones that will always haunt us when we see you. You gave us scars that we can't get covered up with a pretty tattoo. You may not have hurt them as badly as me, but they don't deserve your games. I don't want them to experience even half of what I did.

Her games have left me empty, shallow, broken, and confused. I'm not confused about what she did or who she is, I'm confused about why. Why wasn't I good enough to deserve her love and compassion? What did I do so wrong? Why was I the one chosen to take on her role and try to fix my own life, and protect myself from someone who was supposed to protect and love me? I was forced to grow up so she could go backward. She wanted to live vicariously through me as if she wanted to become me. Everything I did, she did too. All the drugs I did, she just had to try, sometimes do them with me. Nothing was too far for her. She never told my dad though, "don't let your father find out" she would constantly imbed that into my head, it got to the point where I had become two people. One for my mother and one for my father. I remember breaking down one day, crying to myself because I felt like no one knew me and I didn't know who I was, and it was at that moment that I lost my sense of self. I'll probably never know who I am, or why. I have no clue who I want to be. I don't know how to become someone for myself, I've learned to feel as if I must adapt to everyone else.

Nicole told me everything and I mean everything. You may think, "oh that's not so bad, she's being open." Perhaps there are some things you should never tell your children. Some people should never be parents.

She loved to tell me how she was going to be so lost and sad when her "babies"(children all over the age of 10) leave her(by this she meant to grow up and go to school). How she liked sleeping around with all kinds of different men because it was fun and she was good at manipulating them. She told me about her sexual experiences and I wish she wouldn't have sometimes. She told me all kinds of things about her sex life, even asked for my commentary on the experience. Then later she changed many of her stories and said she was raped which had made me feel responsible if that's what had happened because I knew so maybe I should have known. She told me about the men she was dating and even introduced me to some, made sure I knew them well. Her 38-year-old boyfriend talked dirty to me, and the 36-year-old boyfriend did drugs with me, while we were living with him. He was a big mess, but not abusive. However, as soon as she got tired of him she claimed he beat her. She claimed he was abusive so that everyone would pity her. But, she was a liar. He never hurt her. I would have seen it, I would have known. Once again, she had made me question my entire life.

I know about everyone she hates though there aren't many. Now whether it was authentic or a horrible attempt at making me feel sympathy for her, I truly didn't know. I hate knowing everything and having been forced to be her diary, being forced to let her live through me, but she changed me to be what her idea of a kid was. It wasn't a kid at all. She refused to fix any of her problems, no matter how hard I tried to help her, she just wanted to be responsibility-free forever, and I got in the way of that, so she made me her excuse to act like a child. She forced herself to puke and bragged about it. Talking about how much weight she could lose and how quickly. It gave me my sort of eating disorder of feeling strong or like I achieved something by how much I was able to puke up. Still to this day, it's some stupid competition in my head. Drugs are her favorite, they were then too. At Least then it was just Benzos, weed, and hallucinogens. I was the only one who knew, that was stressful, keeping that secret. She constantly made me be someone I wasn't, and she forced me to be someone else for my dad. But I never did know who I was. There was "party secret keeper" me and there was "the most innocent child to exist" me, but I never knew who "me" was without being forced to put on an act one way or another.

chapter 3: The worst of you.

You broke my heart, but I should have known it was coming. It was too often that I looked into your pretty green-blue ocean eyes just to find them glazed over in a drug-induced haze. The last month with you made up for the years of torture. The torture of not knowing where you were or who you were with. Watching you burst into nothing but rage because you couldn’t find your next fix. I never wanted anything but to save you. And when you offered to be sober so long as I was, of course, I took you upon it. I thought you meant it, though I always had my doubts. 3 am is when most of our story was told. You called me every morning at 3, without a doubt, I could always expect that.

July 21st, 2017.

Time 3:00 am

I wake up in your arms and lay there silently as I’m sure you dream peaceful dreams that match the calm state of your face, I still see the shadow of mental exhaustion under your eyes. I breathe slowly, as to not disrupt your sweet dreams. I love you.

July 22nd, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You open your beautiful ocean blue-green eyes to start the beginning of your new adventure. Our fingers intertwined, our eyes locked as if we couldn’t look away. I couldn't ask for a better feeling. I love you.

July 23rd, 2017

Time 3:00 am

The scent of chocolate fills the room. It happens to be your favorite drink, surprisingly, hot chocolate, a drink no one would expect someone like you to like. A half-smile spreads across your face, the smile that tells me at this moment you’re happy. I love you.

July 24th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

I hold you close, but maybe not close enough, feeling the warmth and comfort of your body against mine made me happy though. You make me feel complete. I love you.

July 25th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You wake me up with a small forehead kiss. You seem to be happy today. That makes me smile. I love you.

July 26th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

The ring sits perfectly on my finger. With it, I promise you I’ll be okay, and I’ll follow our dreams. You have to leave soon, but I don't want you to leave. I never do. I love you.

August 5th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You're restlessly tossing and turning, I’m sure you haven't slept yet, you’re still withdrawing. I lean over and put my arm across you and place my body against yours. I worry because I wake up to the sound of you crying every time we sleep together. I try to pull you into me and you rest your head on my chest and quietly sob, pretending you’re just sleeping so I won’t notice. You’re stuck in this terrible life. I’m sorry. I love you.

August 6th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

Laying on the couch. I could see you staring at the wall, I felt you caressing my hand, softly. You kiss my cheek softly and then give me a warm smile. I see the pain in your eyes. It shatters my soul more every single second I look at you. You have to leave again soon. I want you to stay with me. I love you.

August 7th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You look like you've been crying for hours. I'm afraid you’re not okay again. I know you won’t tell me. I love you

August 8th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

you tell me that you don't want to get out of bed today. You tell me that you love me and that you're gonna be okay. I should know better but I believe you because I want to. I love you.

August 9th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

You look like you’re on drugs again, but you won’t tell me that. Your face is pale and you’re always shivering. I love you.

August 10th, 2017

Time 3:00 am

I have yet to see you smile. You look at me over video chat and I know that you're fighting it, you can’t wait to congratulate me on one month of sobriety, and I can’t wait to congratulate you. In-person. Your kisses are always soft but lately, they have a chill to them. The warmth from you has disappeared, I’m worried that you want drugs again. You told me “I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not.” That makes me feel better. Maybe a party will cheer you up, I have a surprise planned for you tonight. I love you.

August 11, 2017

Time 6:00 am

You died at 1:53 am

I tried to wake you up but you don't stir. The party went silent. The pain in my chest is excruciating. I shook you and your rubber-banded bag fell to the floor. I hugged you harder as if it could bring you back. There is nothing I could do but cry. 15 minutes later I dialed 9-1-1 but I couldn’t speak, I cried so hard that no sound could even come out anymore. The sobs were so quiet they were loud. The ambulance got there, they put you on a stretcher. At first, I refused to let go of you, holding onto your hand, hugging your body with mine as if I could give you the life in me. It was so cold. D.O.A. I love you... The bed feels empty with you gone. The couch feels too big without you next to me. And the porch swing looks like a grave. I can’t go to the party house anymore. My hands feel cold without yours in them. I cried all night. The tears stopped coming out after a while, but I still sobbed. Your scent fills my nose and I cry more. I could have saved you. I'm empty without you. I should have known better. Your last words haunt me. I’m not sober anymore, I’m sorry. The note you left, I don’t think I can ever read it. I love you.

August 3rd, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I had a dream about you. You looked so happy, your wings matched your darkness. But Seeing your smile, your real one, made me feel good, so good that you are no longer only a dark spot in my memory.

August 5th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I made your favorite, hot chocolate, and a bacon peanut butter sandwich. I wish you had a grave, but they turned you to ash and put you god knows where. Even though you aren't here, the universe still reminds me of you. Even though I know you won't be waking up this time. I love you.

August 10th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I went to our spot today. I cried when I got home, I hurt so bad. I miss you more than anything. I love you. It's almost been a year.

August 11th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

The first anniversary of losing you. I refuse to accept that you’re gone. Just tell me you’re coming for me. Tell me you’re in some 3rd world country just hiding out like we always talked about, and you’re gonna come find me when I’m 18. I want this to all be a bad dream.

August 12th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

It's getting too hard to sleep. I slept in one of your t-shirts. It smelled just like your favorite cologne. I held it just like I would have held you. I love you. I miss you.

August 13th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

Your mom called to make sure I was okay, your parents are back in New England now. They miss you, it hurt to hear her cry. I guess she did love you in her way. I love you.

August 14th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I'm going crazy without you. This isn’t allowed to be real. I miss you. I miss your smell. I want you back. I love you.

August 15th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I visited our spot again yesterday. Remember what you told me? “I’ll always be here for you whether I’m physically present or not”. Those words haunt me, you spoke them the day before left me forever. I should have known. I wish I knew. Maybe then I could have saved you. I love you.

August 16th, 2018

Time 3:00 am

I can't stand being without you anymore. I love you.

August 11th, 2019

Time 3:00 am

It’s been two years. I miss you more than I ever thought was humanly possible. Please come back. I think I’m in love again. It scares me, but I know you’d like him.

August 12th, 2019

Time 3:00 am

No one gets that you weren’t the best thing in the universe, that you were an asshole sometimes, you weren’t always a good person. But you were good. You made life something more than it was and you showed me who I could be. You showed me who I am, in your own fucked up way that included you dying. And for that, I owe you.

August 3rd, 2020

Time 3:00 am

I've finally read the note you left me. I read it over and over. I’m crying so much writing this I can’t even see. Come back. I miss you. I love you.

August 5th, 2020

Time 3:00 am

Why did you have to go and do that? This all must be a fucking joke. I love you.

August 8th, 2020

Time 3:00 am

The day that marks 3 years since you left me is coming up quickly. I don’t want it to come. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to accept this. I miss our talks at our spot. I love you.

August 11th, 2020

Time 1:53 am

It’s been 3 years. Today is terrible. Come back. I love you.

I guess your anger is just as much a part of your story as your love. You loved me, that much everyone who knew you knew, but you had a funny way of showing it sometimes. The drugs clouded your memory, or at least you wanted me to think they did. Like the time you shot at someone who stole off of you. Your excuse was being high, but not until you knew how much it scared me. I’m not sure what you thought would happen had you shot him, but I don’t think you cared regardless. Maybe you always knew what you were doing, and you were too tired to control yourself. No matter what, a part of me will always be infatuated with you and a piece of my heart will always belong to you. Our story is one I can never forget, but as time goes on I see more flaws, I find more wrongdoings, and I learn to love you less.

Chapter 4

How have we gotten to this point? I woke up today in a great mood, but of course, Nicole couldn’t allow that. It’s been months since I spoke to her, but she’s pinned my best friend and his mother against me. She and her so-called husband say I told them I was going to turn them in. My best friend who deals drugs, and his mother who condones it and takes part. I know what you’re thinking, why the fuck are you, friends, with these people? Quite frankly, I don’t know, I guess I always have been. My best friend, Aaron, was the first guy I ever had a crush on. He was the only person who showed up to my 13th birthday party and he never did me wrong. He took my weed virginity, and he stuck up for me. He didn’t let kids bully me, though they sure tried. He didn’t back down, sometimes it felt like he was the only person on my side. If it weren’t for him my middle school experience would not have been nearly as mediocre as it was. At some points in life, he was all I had, and still, to this day, I can go to him with whatever and he does his best to help. Though, ever since Nicole started her bullshit and I told the police about her abuse, she has been trying to sway him to take her side. She’s good at doing that, she knows how to manipulate just about anyone. She had our entire family fooled for years, had them convinced she wasn’t a terrible person or on drugs.

I guess now is a good time to bring up Josh, the man who took my virginity, if you want to put it that nicely. By that I mean the 19-year-old who forcibly had sex with 13-year-old me, whilst I was high on pills in Victoria’s closet. Victoria was my BFF, we did everything together, mostly drugs. Sometimes random friends of friends would stay at her house, and one time we made a huge mistake. I still remember the feeling, being dragged from bed and onto the ground, through the closet doors. I can still hear how loud the sliding door shut. I remember how it felt, my clothes being ripped off of me, sloppily and just good enough for him to get to where he wanted. He clasped his hand around my throat to keep me pinned down as if I wasn’t already paralyzed by the pills he offered me. Surely I took them, I was too high to know better. I didn’t feel anything, but that was the torture of it. I knew what was happening, and I was unable to stop it. My body was motionless, but he got off on it. His evil grin and cold eyes are permanently ingrained in my brain, I’ll never forget his face because that’s all I could look at. I’ll never forget it because I’m forced to remember. Good thing I never felt it, I’m sure that would be a whole other nightmare. I’m sure you’re wondering how this relates to Nicole, but let me tell you, I told her about the invasion of my body, and she doubted me. I told her what happened and she told me I was wrong. She told me I wasn’t that high, I could have stopped it if I didn’t want it. She told me I wanted it. I the 13-year-old, of course, believed my mom, only to figure out it was sexual assault 2 years later. Nicole of course did absolutely nothing, as per usual. She could have saved me that night. I called her, I wanted to go home because I didn’t feel safe and I thought I was too high, she came and saw me, she told all the people there I was fine, even went as far as saying I was faking it. Maybe she’s the reason I got raped that night, maybe he took my silence as consent because he thought I was sober. Maybe he was rough because he thought my silence meant I liked it. Maybe I only imagined saying stop, perhaps it never came out of my mouth. Or perhaps my pleas to stop convinced him to continue. How could I know anyways? I was in a drug-fueled haze, maybe I remember wrong and I never said stop. I guess that’s the downfall of getting high, you never know what happened. Everything is foggy and the details are blurry. It’s like trying to remember a dream after you wake up, you wonder what happened and the longer you’re awake the blurrier the memory gets. The longer you’re sober, the blurrier your high adventures become. Just because I’ve been thinking about this long enough to write it down, anxiety is jolting through my veins. It starts at the back of my throat, pushing its way up from the inside out, a sting that becomes so much more. The line between what is fear and what is real is becoming blurrier by the second. It feels as if my words are stuck in my throat, stopping me from screaming, from letting my feelings out. This is my brain's way of telling me my words aren’t worth much right now, quite frankly it’s not wrong. He tore my soul to pieces as my pleas ran through his mind as “convince me” “keep going” “I like it”. I can still see his cold, hungry eyes in my dreams sometimes. Imagining his face sends shivers down my spine as I continually play what he did to me over and over again as if something could change the more I think into it. He broke me, crushed my being, my soul, and outright stole my voice. I can’t possibly continue to look at myself in disgust over this man, because it is he who should rot, not me. I’m worth more than becoming the perfect victim, I choose to be a victor. Sometimes I don't think I can do it, my motivation is wanting to be further in life than anyone who has ever hurt me, and I'm already there.

Chapter 5: The Man Who Loved Me Once

The man who loved me once, the one who broke my heart into pieces. Leo tore me to pieces, but I thought I was in love with him. It took a month in a psychiatric facility to conclude that he never loved me. I was 15 with a 21-year-old man. He convinced me it was okay along with Nicole constantly praising me for it. “Damn haha you are just like me”

February 3rd, 2018

I told him to stop, I told him no. I told him I didn't want to do this. I begged and pleaded but that meant nothing to him. He didn't stop, he didn't understand “no”, my begs and pleads for him to stop rang through his ears as “convince me”. His right hand roamed my body, It made me shiver. His left hand went between covering my mouth to shut me up, and pushing me back up against the brick wall. He kissed my lips roughly to silence me, pushing me hard against the wall. His fingers scratched into my skin, making me squirm. I couldn't move much though, the pills he put in my drink prevented me from doing that, what a lovely redo of the last man who hurt me. This one at least did not do it with people around, though it was dark, we were in a public place. He called me baby girl and told me "I am going to fuck you so good". I showered 3 times today, and no one questioned it. I did not eat anything for a few days, and no one questioned it. Maybe you did not mean to hurt me, maybe you thought I liked it. I still love you.

February 27th, 2018

He hit me today, it's not the first time. Hell, it is not even the second or third time, honestly, I have lost count. He loves me. He apologized and then we cuddled and watched a movie. He will change, I know I can fix him. He never means to hurt me. He is a good man and people do not want to try to understand. I have to cover the bruises, good thing it is winter and I can wear a hoodie every day. He makes me sad but he does not mean it. He loves me and I know it.

March 15th, 2018

Today he took me to meet his parents. I had to lie and say I was 18. I pretended I was in college. He made me. He just did not want his parents to give him shit like they always do. He said it was fine that we had an age difference. I trust him, I would do anything for him. I love him.

March 28th, 2018

Today he tried to drown me. It was my fault. I remember passing out and waking up with no clothes. I guess he put them in the dryer because they were wet. He wasn't himself when he did it, I am sure there is just something going on mentally. I can fix him. I can help him. I know he loves me. I know he can get help, I want to help him.

April 3, 2018

I saw him today, our visit was cut short because Nicole wanted me to come home. She knows about him and me, she just missed me because I have been at friends’ houses and with Leo all week. He was pretty mean today, he grabbed me by the throat and I am beginning to think that he needs more help than I can give him. My throat is sore and it is bruised on the side. I will have to wear my hair down. He loves me so much that the pain is worth it. I do not want to lose him. The way he strokes my hair and holds me, while he is apologizing after he has done something that harmed me is so sweet. I love it when he buys me flowers and sometimes he is good for a while. The pain is worth it for the love.

April 8th, 2018

He raped me. He put a glass bottle inside of me, and my vagina bled. He got me drunk, and we started making out, then he fucked me, relentlessly, roughly. He bruised me. In between my legs. My dad picked me up, it was the worst experience of my life. I still love him and I do not want to anymore. I am being punished for it because Nicole will not tell my dad she knew everything. I am being punished for being raped. I am broken. I need help.

April 24th, 2018

I spent nearly a month in a psychiatric facility, it has helped me a lot. My roommate was awesome. I had a nurse in there, a youngish, beautiful, and kind African American woman, she is the reason I am still alive. I am so grateful to have met that woman and another one of the therapists there. It has helped me so incredibly much. I hate that I am still being punished for being raped because I was not, not allowed there. I had permission. I did not do anything without my mom's permission, yet she and my dad punished me for being raped. As in it was my fault. As if I did it to myself. How was I supposed to know any better with Nicole telling me it was okay? I have grown to hate my dad, I make sure he knows it and I feel no remorse for what I say. He sucks and I wish I was just with my mom. I still love Leo, but he never loved me, except once.

I have grown so much since then. I used to think so highly of Nicole. I thought it was awesome to have a mom that helps you sneak around and break rules. I thought so highly of her and I wanted to be exactly like her. I wanted to smoke and drink and be high all of the time because I thought it was so cool. I thought it was normal at that. I just could not realize that she was no good. My dad was the only one who wanted what was best for me, and still to this day he does. He was the one who saw how poorly I was doing and made an effort towards getting me better. He did not even know half of it and from the time he found out and forward, he gave me all of the acceptance and care and love I needed. I regret ever being so mean to him. I know you are wondering what the hell I said to him, so I will make a list.

-I hate you

-You are a terrible dad

-I will never speak to you again

-You are the reason I am so messed up

-I never want to see you again, you suck and I fucking hate you, don't you dare tell me to watch my mouth, you don't get to tell me what to do because you aren't my dad anymore {then I called him by his first name}

-I do not want you in my life

I hate myself for the things I said to my dad. He is one of the kindest, most caring, and genuinely good human beings I know. He does everything he can to make sure my sisters and I can have what we want. He has a job therefore a steady income. He gets us any reasonable thing we want. I am so lucky to have a dad like him because not everyone gets a good dad, I love my dad. He and I finally have an amazing father, daughter relationship and I feel so much better. I wish I never said those hurtful awful things to him, I wish that Nicole never ingrained my brain with lies about him making him seem bad. Now my sisters are saying very similar but even meaner hurtful things to my dad. He does so well for them and they hate him because Nicole is good at brainwashing.

Dad, if you are reading this, I want you to know, it was never your fault for anything that happened. You could not have known, Nicole manipulates well. I love you and you are an awesome dad.

My mind is in a muddle. I can not seem to think straight for some reason. Nicole manipulated me so much I question my trauma. she told my dad and me that I faked being raped so I would not be in trouble. When I went to the party, she said it was real for a while, until it was no longer convenient for her to use. "My poor baby, I feel so bad seeing my daughter shower 5 times a day". Then when it was not getting her attention anymore, she said I was lying.

I wish I knew what to do with the thoughts that are flooding my brain right now. Once you become happy, and you come to be at peace with yourself, you can be okay. However, your demons stick with you forever. Once an addict, always an addict, but that does not make you a bad person. It shows how strong you are when you get sober. Your demons follow you, but you can restrain them, you can imprison them and throw them into the back of your brain. That alone makes you a survivor. Being a victim of rape and having PTSD is just the same. It is hard to suppress the memories, and it is even harder to work through them, but it is possible, I know it is because I am doing it. Your demons follow you, you have to realize that they do not own you.

Nicole is part of the reason I am mentally ill. I hate her for that. I hate her for many things. I wish her the worst. However, I am not going to let her win. I do not hate her, I hate what she did, I hate the way she groomed me into her idea of a good daughter. I hate how she manipulated me into believing my dad was no good, and he drank too much and he ignored us on the weekends for shooting/hunting. I regret not letting my dad have a relationship with me for years. She is not winning this one. I hate everything she did, but I will leave it to someone else to hate her because I am sure other people do.

I have always been in love with Leo, but as time passes by, I realize that nothing he did was good or okay. He was only ever "nice" to manipulate me. I wish I had known then what I know now. I am slowly getting over him and trying to ignore the intrusive thoughts about him. He was like a drug, and I got addicted.

My current boyfriend is amazing, and I could not have asked for someone better.

Chapter 6: This Is Today

Hypomania can be nice, I was hypomanic for like a month, keyword fucking “was”. I’d like to clear the misconception that mania means you’re happy, it doesn’t. I can’t be confrontational right now because no matter what it’s about I’m approaching it like a fight even if you’re approaching it like a discussion. It’s one hell of a fucking high and if you’ve ever done hard drugs you know that it’s usually not good the whole time you’re on a binge after a week or so. You know it’s more intense the more you do and the less you can function. Mania is such an intense thing that it makes you feel like you are on drugs when you aren’t, and as someone who used to do a lot of them, that’s scary, because it brings back so many memories, and for me, that fuels the mania more, it is just feeding the fire. Okay, so imagine like a 2-month long drug binge or drinking (alcohol) binge with the given random withdrawals and mood swings, The comedowns, and the intense parts where you think you’re on top of the world and life could not possibly get better.. Okay? Now imagine having no control over when you feel like you’re coming down when you feel high or drunk when you feel hungover when you are high or drunk at all. Imagine 24/7 constant torture of not knowing what’s next. Don’t fucking romanticize mania, don’t romanticize this. Here I am, in my bathtub, with a bottle of cheap vodka that tastes more like the smell of hand sanitizer than any alcohol at all, and I’m on 2 bars of Xanax (I was coming up on a year sober). Here I am, hot water pouring onto my trembling body in hope that it will ease my trembling, it feels like I’ve been in here for days and it’s only been hours, yet all of my tears are gone. I’ve drained myself of tears and I can’t seem to cry anymore. It's just a dull sob, heavy breathing, shaky hands, a blotchy face, and a trembling body. You think my symptoms would be numbed but I feel like they’re more lifelike now. I feel trapped within them, as if they own me, just like he owned me. I wish I could say he never did but for a while there I was stuck in his abyss. I haven’t slept in way too fucking long. Yes, I am on meds, no they are not working. I’m talking to my psychiatrist as soon as I can. Last night and these past few hours(it’s 3:48 a.m.) have been terrible, I’ve been up talking and pacing and shaking and crying all night in utter paranoia full of what I'm self-aware enough to know are only delusions, going from laughter to crying excessively to panic attacks that feel like the end of the world, to pouring my heart out to a girl I’ve been friends with for a week and telling her all of my trauma(shout out to you dude thank you) to trying to buy fucking animals(specifically a monkey) off of the Internet. Even though I only collectively have $6.00. Mania is embarrassing yourself publicly or even just within your household and not fucking remembering what you did or how you did it or why. Mania is bad life choices and excessive cleaning and exhaustion and impulsivity, for example: “wanna get drunk” yeah I’m drunk rn but sure why not. “Wanna have sex?” Yeah okay “ I don’t have a condom” that’s cool just pull out or don’t I don’t care. Mania is hurting the people you love because they can see how lost you are and how broken you are and how you can’t see that you need help. Mania is researching, stalking, fucking obsessively trying to find your abuser/rapist on the internet because you’re curious as to how he’s doing. Mania is trying to convince everyone around you that you’re fine because you want to be fine because you don’t want it to happen again until you’re so not fine you can’t avoid it anymore. Sometimes you just get stuck in fucking mania and you can’t get out. Sometimes you get hypomanic and start a book then as it progresses into mania you write more and more *cough* me *cough*.

Life has never exactly been easy, and I’ve always had difficulties concluding that nothing that’s happened is my fault, and truly it is not. However, blaming myself has always been easier than blaming everyone else. In complete honesty, Nicole ruined so much of my life and damaged my psyche. The way I view the world will never be innocent, my innocence is gone and I’m not sure I could get it back if I tried to. How much of my life would have been different had I not been an addict? What if Nicole never was abusive? What if I was never raped? What if I did fewer drugs? What if I never told my dad about Nicole? I could go on with the questions, but that probably won’t get us anywhere. It’s funny to think of who I could have become. Maybe I would be a sheltered little bitch with no sense of humor or sense of self. Maybe I would still to this day be a drug addict. The what if’s don’t matter, because they are simply that, what if’s. They don’t mean anything, but my past means everything. I don’t hold grudges against anyone for anything, I try not to hate, but I do strongly dislike Nicole. I do wish she wasn’t such a raging bitch. I wish she could just stop being a piece of shit. I wish my life wasn’t destroyed, yet I am beyond thankful for how beautifully broken I am.

I'll have such loud intrusive thoughts that they feel like voices. It's like there are two people in my head sometimes 3 or 4, constantly talking over one other, and then me trying to get them to stop long enough for me to hear myself think. I will also have snippets of words, phrases, phantom sounds, or music. I begin to hear whole words, phrases, even random sounds, and parts of songs. Sometimes I don’t even know the songs. “Just shut up, no one likes you”

“do it anyway, don’t be a pussy”

“they’ll think you’re crazy, be careful who you tell”

“secret secret secret”

“stop thinking about him”

“don’t stop thinking about it”

I’m sure the thoughts, the voices I’m hearing don’t sound all that terrible, but they are. You’re probably wondering why I let them bother me.

Just imagine constantly hearing the same things over and over and over and instead of letting the voice become a redundant muttering, it becomes more meaningful every time you hear it. They become more hurtful. They become louder with every waking breath. This form of existence is painful. The world wants me to be the same thing I want to be, but I don’t know if this is even me.

I struggle a lot with that. It makes me feel like I led two lives and honestly you’re one of the only people who heard about a lot of my “high adventures” I’ll call them, and I do apologize for telling you about me doing drugs and stuff, you were too young to be hearing about that(you aren’t too young now). However, because I am an addict I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And I did drugs to cope with my existence and how secret I had to keep anything that had to do with Nicole.

The voices in my head won’t shut up. They scream and yell, and go in circles taking turns talking, seeing who can be the loudest. My head is constantly racing. There is constantly something going on in my head. I just want it all to stop. The only things to drown them out are drugs. Maybe I will start taking benzos again, that calmed them last time.

[camillemontespan]

the history of us [drake x Camille] [part thirteen: faith]

Part Twelve if you want to catch up

Drake’s Mind over Matter interview

Posting this before my weekend gets busy! This is the penultimate chapter - final chapter will be written soon. ‘Mind over Matter’ is my headcanon for Drake, which he hints at near the end of this chapter. The time frame in the article is different, but the idea is the same. 

@jovialyouthmusic @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @sirbeepsalot @pug-bitch @moonlightgem7 @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @emceesynonymroll @burnsoslow @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @emichelle @notoriouscs @gardeningourmet @katedrakeohd @be-still-my-aching-heart @symonde @stopforamoment @rainbowsinthestorm

            ******************************************************************

Baby Walker #2.

A long moment after Drake’s eyes studied the scan and Camille’s handwriting, he bolted up from the sofa, disturbing the corgis who were asleep at his feet. They watched as Drake stormed with purpose out the living room, grabbed his car keys from the key holder and flung on his jacket. 

It was pouring with rain outside. It occurred to Drake that he hadn’t set foot outside the manor in a week but that wasn’t important right now. What was important was his family. 

Drake gunned it down the boulevards of Valtoria heading towards Ramsford. He hoped Camille would speak to him. She said she would when he finished the box and Camille always kept her word.

     ********************************************************************************

His fist hammered on the front door. ‘Camille!’ he shouted. ‘Camille, it’s me!’

The door opened and he came face to face with his wife. 

She looked tired with dark circles under her eyes. She was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Looking at her now, after reading her innermost thoughts and studying the photographs she had taken over the years, Drake felt like he was seeing her in a whole new light. He felt like an asshole for taking her for granted and treating her like shit. How could he?

‘Camille,’ he whispered. The rain hammered down still, his face was wet and his hair soaked. 

‘Come in, Drake,’ she murmured. She guided him inside and went to find a towel to dry him off. When she came back, she wrapped a soft towel around his shoulders and gently rubbed his hair. Even when he had hurt her, she still cared. She still looked out for him.

Drake caught her by the wrists. 

She looked at him, her gaze steady. She had hurt and sadness in her eye, which tugged at Drake’s heart. She watched him as he sank to his knees and placed his hands on her stomach. 

‘Drake..’ she whispered. 

‘I’m so sorry,’ he told her thickly, looking up at her. He looked broken. ‘I finished the diary. I went through the box. I saw the scan. I have been awful to you the past few months. I treated you like shit and I treated my own daughter like shit. I don’t deserve either of you.'

Camille closed her eyes. 'Drake, get up.'

He stood up, his eyes fixing on her stomach before meeting her eyes. She gestured to a room down the hall. 'Let's sit in the drawing room.'

Drake awkwardly followed her into the Beaumont drawing room. Typically of the Beaumont family, the walls were hung with family portraits and gilded mirrors. Opulent and over the top, everything Drake wasn't.

Bertrand and Maxwell were sat on the sofa. Bertrand was reading a book but it was obvious he wasn't concentrating on the words as his jaw was clenched and his foot was tapping furiously on the floor. Maxwell looked up when they entered and gave Drake a nervous smile. 'Hey Drake.'

Camille bit her lip. 'Do you mind if we have some privacy for a while?'

Maxwell bolted up. 'Of course, of course! Uh, Bertrand?'

Bertrand stood up slowly and tucked his book into the crook of his arm. He looked at Drake with distaste. 'Certainly, Camille,' he muttered. As he passed Drake, he took him by the arm and said in a low voice, 'Don't you dare break her heart all over again otherwise you have the Duke of Ramsford to answer to.'

Drake paled while Camille reddened. The Beaumonts left the room and Camille settled down on the sofa, tucking her legs under herself. She looked so small and delicate.

She gestured for Drake to sit down.

They faced each other.

'I.. I've got so many things to say to you but I don't know where to begin,' Drake admitted. 'I feel anything I say is going to be useless.'

Camille placed her hand on his. 'Then let me speak.'

He nodded, waiting for her to talk.

'Do you want to save us?' she asked simply.

Drake nodded, his eyes wide. 'More than anything.'

Camille studied him. 'Then you need to make steps for yourself first, Drake. If you want us to have a future, you need to get help. I don't mean therapy, I mean an AA meeting. You're killing yourself right in front of me and right in front of Lily.'

Drake looked down at his lap. He didn't argue. He knew she was right.

Camille leaned forward and placed her hand on his cheek. 'Get better for yourself first then the rest will follow,' she whispered. 'Think of your children.'

Children. Plural. He had another baby on the way.

'How far along are you?' he asked her softly.

Camille smiled. 'Three months. It's just a dating scan I have so it's very early days.'

Realisation dawned on Drake. 'Three months? So... From July?'

'Since Texas,' she clarified. 'I like to think of it as our 4th July baby.'

Drake let out a strangled groan. He held his head in his hands and his body shook from the revelation. Hot tears slid down his face. He was crying a lot lately. Drake felt Camille shift and soon her arms were wrapped around him, holding him tight.

'It's okay, baby,' she whispered, her voice wavering with emotion. 'Shh, it's okay.'

'I didn't know you were pregnant,' he said into his hands. 'Oh god, I'm such a dick head. I'm a fucking abomination.'

Camille clenched his hands tight. 'Drake. I didn't know either. I found out the day before I left. You weren't to know.'

'I threw a fucking vase!' he burst out, turning to face her. His face was wet and his eyes were red rimmed. 'It's bad enough I threw it in front of Lily. What if I hurt you? What if I hurt the baby?'

'The baby is fine,' Camille told him fiercely. 'Please, stop overthinking. Just focus. Focus on what you are going to do now.'

Drake dug his fingernails into his palm. He was so angry with himself.

'I'm going to fight for us,' he said. 'You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, I'll be damned if I lose you. I'll go to an AA meeting, I'll get therapy, I'll just work on being a husband and father. I'll take the bad stuff like the fucking paparazzi, I don't care, I just want you, Lily and Baby Number 2. I need you. I lost sight of all the good stuff I had in front of me but I swear Camille, I promise you right now, I'm never doing that again.'

                            **********************************************

'Can I see Lily?' Drake asked quietly. He and Camille had held each other for a long time. Tears had been shed and promises made.

Camille nodded mutely. 'I'll go see her first. She's been..'

She broke off. Drake closed his eyes. 'Please tell me.'

'She's been clinging to me, Drake,' Camille said honestly. 'She's been sleeping with me every night because she's scared something will happen. Maxwell and Bertrand have tried hard to distract her but in those quiet moments, she just looks so nervous. If I leave the room, she follows me.'

Drake felt like he was going to throw up. Camille took his hand. 'She still loves you,' she said, 'it just might take a while to gain her trust back. You can't force her. She's got to come to you.'

Camille left to go find Lily. Drake stayed on the sofa, dread filling his heart.

                            **********************************************

Lily was in the garden with Maxwell. They had built another fort and they were currently inside it drawing pictures. Lily looked up when she heard Camille. 'Mommy!'

Camille smiled and sat down to face her daughter. Maxwell squeezed Camille's hand, offering her support.

'Lily, I've got something to tell you,' Camille said. Fuck, she felt nervous. 'Your daddy is in the house. He's come to visit.'

Lily's fingers unconsciously gripped hold of the blanket underneath her. Maxwell's eyes flicked down to her hands. He had seen her nerves.

'Is he angry?' Lily asked, her voice tiny.

Camille gently took Lily's hand, trying to sooth her. 'No, honey. He was very unwell when you last saw him but he is going to the doctor to get better. He is here today because he would like to see you, but no pressure, okay? If you don't want to see him yet, that's okay. I just want you to know that right now, your daddy is here and he is very sorry for scaring you. You're his favourite thing. His best girl. But he's going to get some medicine so he can get better.'

Lily cast her eyes to the floor. 'I want him to get better.'

'So do I, baby. Now, I'm going back inside to talk to him,' Camille said softly, like she was talking to a scared kitten. 'You can stay out here and draw, it's okay.'

She stood up slowly and left Lily with Maxwell.

Maxwell studied the little girl in front of him. She was usually so vibrant, so full of joy. It pained him to see her like this. Subdued. Nervous. Quiet.

'Have you got an orange crayon?' he asked her brightly. He needed to distract her.

Lily searched around the fort and found one. She handed it to Maxwell before settling back down.

'I'm going to draw a tiger,' Maxwell said, lying on his front with the blank sheet on the floor in front of him. 'What are you going to draw?'

Lily bit her lip. 'I don't know. I always draw mommy and daddy.'

Maxwell looked at her, knowing what he said next would be important. 'You know, I don't have parents anymore,' he told her. Lily looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed.

'Why?'

'I lost them.'

'Oh. That was silly.'

Maxwell chuckled. 'I know right? It's just me and Uncle Bertrand. We miss our parents all the time.'

Lily shifted to lie on her front like Maxwell. 'You should go find them.'

'I can't,' Maxwell said. 'They've gone forever.'

Lily went quiet, her eyes fixed on her own blank piece of paper. 'I miss my daddy. Is he gone forever?'

Maxwell shook his head. 'No, Lily. He's unwell but he's not gone. He's still your daddy.'

'I don't want to lose daddy,' she said solemnly.

Maxwell began to draw his tiger, trying to be casual. 'You won't,' he assured her. 'Your daddy is inside the house right now. He is still here.'

'I want him to smile,' Lily said.

'I bet he'll smile when he sees you,' Maxwell said.

Lily smiled weakly and picked up a pink crayon. Maxwell watched her with bated breath as she began to draw stick figures.

'When someone is ill,' he said slowly, 'you need to be patient and have faith in them that they will get better.'

'Faith?'

Her brown eyes met his. Maxwell smiled gently. 'Faith is when you have belief. Like, you hope you'll get ice cream this afternoon so you have to believe -have faith- that I will give you some.'

'Will you?!'

'Have faith, Lily,' Maxwell teased.

Lily frowned. 'So I have to hope for daddy?'

Maxwell nodded. 'All you can do is hope he'll get better. Your daddy wants to. He just might need extra hugs and smiles to help him.'

Lily sat up straight. 'I can do that.'

                         **********************************************

Drake and Camille were sat with Bertrand in the drawing room. Bertrand still watched Drake with a suspicious expression but he listened when Camille told him that they were going to look at AA meetings.

The door opened and Maxwell entered with Lily holding his hand. The adults turned to look at the little girl who was clutching a piece of paper in her hand.

Drake wanted to run to her but he stopped himself. He didn't want to scare her. Instead, he watched as she let go of Maxwell's hand and timidly walked towards Drake.

'I want you to feel better,' she said, her voice wavering, 'so I drew you this.'

She handed him her paper. Drake took it gently and fought back tears when he saw that she had drawn him, Camille and Lily as stick figures.

'This is beautiful, honey,' he whispered. Lily shifted on her feet. Drake looked at her now. He hadn't seen her in a week, which to him may as well have been a hundred years.

'You look beautiful today,' he murmured. She was wearing a yellow sundress and pink sandals. Lily blushed.

'I'm sorry I scared you,' he told her, his eyes steady on hers. 'I promise I'm not going to scare you again. If you will let me, I will only give you cuddles and play with you, just happy things. I want to make you happy. I love you.'

Lily wrung her hands together, keeping her eyes on him. Camille, Bertrand and Maxwell were staring at the two of them, too nervous to say anything.

'Will you get better?' she asked. Drake nodded. 'I'm going to the doctors and they will sort me out. It’ll be hard but you gotta have faith. We all do.’

Lily nodded, thinking. Faith. Drake could see the cogs in her mind turning, her face filled with concentration. She then leaned up and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Drake let out a breath. His hands came up to bring her in closer and soon, they were hugging.

They broke apart but Lily still held onto his hand. Camille smiled, her eyes glistening, and she leaned forward. Her eyes met Drake's and he gave her a nod. He knew what she was thinking. For the first time in months, they were in sync.

'Lily,' Camille said gently. 'Let's see your drawing.'

Lily showed Camille the drawing. Camille grinned. 'Now, in six months which is a long time, you will have to draw another family member.'

Lily frowned. 'You mean Uncle Bertrand?'

Bertrand hooted with laughter. Camille shook her head and placed her hands on her stomach.

'You're going to have a little brother or sister.'

Lily's eyes went wide like saucers. 'Wha?!'

Drake chuckled and picked her up to sit on his lap. 'Mommy is having a baby,' he told her. 'You're going to be a big sister.'

Lily's head whipped around to look at Drake then Camille then Maxwell then Bertrand.

'Ohh..' she murmured. 'So I won't be the only child anymore?'

'No honey,' Camille said.

'Can we send it back?' Lily asked hopefully.

Drake held in laughter, as did Camille. Lily was so used to being the only child. This was huge for her.

'We can't send it back,' Drake said. 'But you will love it. Another kid to play with!'

Lily looked at him, her eyes narrowed. 'I'm the favourite.'

    **************************************************************************

That night, Drake lay in bed looking up at the ceiling. He was counting his blessings.

I have an incredible wife.

I have a beautiful daughter.

I’m going to have another baby.

I have a family.

Beside him, Camille rolled over so she snuggled into his chest. She was breathing steadily, her eyes closed. Drake felt relief that she was back in their bed; he had felt so alone this past week. 

Her stomach was pressed up against his. Drake imagined the little life growing inside her right now.

Gently, he leaned down to kiss her forehead. Camille smiled and opened her eyes slowly. Wordlessly, Drake moved so that his body was suspended above hers and his eyes roamed her body in complete and utter astonishment, as if she was Athena rising from the ocean. He kissed her neck and his lips travelled down her body towards her stomach.

Camille was silent as she watched Drake slide his hands along her stomach, feeling. His lips softly kissed her bellybutton. He was lost in this little moment.

'I can't wait to see you with a bump again,' he whispered, kissing her stomach some more. Camille blushed - Drake loved it when she had been pregnant with Lily. He had practically worshipped her.

'Do you think it'll be a boy or girl?' Camille asked.

Drake looked up at her, his eyes warm. 'As long as its happy and healthy, I don't mind.'

Camille lay back as Drake kissed his way down from her stomach to between her legs.

This was his chance to start over. He had already failed Lily - at least, Drake thought he had. He didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. He was just sorry that Lily had to witness the monster that Drake had become. 

But Camille had given him a chance. This was Drake’s time to prove himself. He wanted to get rid of these toxic habits and just embrace this second chance. He owed it to Camille. He owed it to Lily. He owed it to the new baby. He owed it to himself. 

**************************************************************************************

Three days later, Drake, Camille and Samantha were sat around the kitchen table. Lily was on the floor playing with her dolls; since she had been home, she hadn’t left Drake’s side. 

‘Right, Drake,’ Samantha said. ‘Tell me what you want and I will execute it.’ 

Drake looked at Camille who gave him an encouraging smile. 

‘Well, I’ve signed up to go to a local AA meeting,’ he told her. ‘They’re once a week. I’m going to stick to it.’

Samantha grinned. ‘Fantastic, Drake!’

‘I want to be honest,’ he said. ‘I’m just going to be honest with everyone, which means admitting that I have a drinking problem.’

‘When you say everyone, do you mean-’

‘I mean Cordonia.’

Samantha blinked. ‘But you hate attention.’

‘I do. But I want to live life on my own terms. I want to do something; I always felt I had no purpose. Well, now, I do. My purpose is to be the best husband and dad I can be. And since I'm also the Duke of Valtoria, I need to step up to the role and stop being a bitch about it. So, I’m going to be honest. This is me. I’m Drake Walker. I’m from Texas, I adore my wife, I adore my children. I love smores and I love being outdoors. I like denim shirts. I hate dancing. I hate etiquette. What you see is what you get with me. But also part of me is that I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to accept it.'

Samantha stared at Drake. This was the most he had ever said to her since she had been employed by the Duke and Duchess.

'Why do you want to tell the nation that you're an alcoholic?' she asked delicately.

Drake sighed. 'Because everyone has their own demons. Everyone has their struggles. For years I've felt like I bring nothing to the table as a Duke. But now I've got this. The past three months have been a dark time for me but if I can make something positive out of it.. I want to make mental health and alcoholism in men a more prominent issue, I want people to talk about it and if a guy like me is out there struggling, he can know that even though I'm sat in this Manor with a beautiful wife and gorgeous kids, it may look like I have it all, but I don't. If I can help one guy feel less hopeless, I've done my duty for Cordonia. I won't announce my plan just yet, as I need to work on myself first. But once I'm feeling stronger, I'm taking control.'

Camille squeezed his hand. She looked so proud of him.

'I had these walls,' Drake said quietly. 'For a while there, I built them back up after Camille spent so long bringing them down. I don't want to put her through that again. From now on, I'm going to be open, honest and laid bare. I'm a husband, a father and a Duke. I'm Drake Walker.'

[tozierpunks]

I’m always here for Reddie and stanpat. So. reddie & stanpat Conception AU

ashbot you’re the only one who truly loves me sometimes ❤️just a heads up, it’s a lil nsfw, so dig on this:

the story starts with mike teaching a classroom of 5 year olds, and he wraps up the lesson with, “any questions?” and little 5 year old Elton raises his hand and goes, “where do babies come from?” Mike’s face proceeds to drop to the floor

another little kid, Emmy, goes, “I’ll draw it for you Elton, it’s real weird.” AND NOW MIKE PANICS AND TAKES THE PAPER AND TRIES HIS BEST TO EXPLAIN, “it’s not weird! it’s... normal.” and a third kid (Cher) chimes in: “my daddy said the mommy poops out a baby” and Mike resists the urge to roll his eyes

cue title card and now we cut to our first couple of the story: stan and patty. now they’ve been trying forever to have a baby, but they’re struggling. patty is a doctor and stan is an environmental science teacher, they’re doing well, and now they’re on a special plan to get pregnant bc they’re ready, it’s time

so he comes in with the fertility shot, patty’s leaning against the bed, and he’s clearly nervous but this is his wife, he loves her, he wants this baby too, so he’s gonna help and he says, “i’m really afraid i’m not gonna be good at this.” “i’m afraid of that too babe.”

she instructs him tho, “hold it like a pencil, stick the needle in really quickly- like a dart, check for blood, and if there’s no blood then push the medicine in.”

“... okay but... if there’s blood... i might pass out. Maybe I should put some pillows down like a stuntman-”

“am I just gonna have to do this?” “No!” and she held her hand out to take the needle back but he just high fives her and counts down, “Three, two, two and a half-” “Stan.” AND HE STICKS HER AND SHE STARTS SHOUTING AT HIM

“OW, FUCKER!” “YOU SAID LIKE A DART!” “WELL NOT LIKE A FUCKING JAVELIN!”

stan, perplexed, stands there and patty shouts, “WELL PUSH THE MEDICINE IN.”

stan, still shaken: “OKAY, OKA- CAN YOU BE NICE TO ME?!”

“I HAVE GOT A NEEDLE IN MY ASS RIGHT NOW.”

“Oh babe there’s blood, I’m gonna be sick.”

And Patty is rolling her eyes while Stan needs to take a breather bc he really can’t handle the blood

NOW SCENE CUT TO REDDIE where it’s a little less romantic, a little more Fight Club

richie planned a whole day bc at the end, their surrogate was supposed to call to let them know which designer baby was chosen - so, richie’s spermies for a boy or girl, or eddie’s spermies for a boy or girl

but eddie comes storming into the house to see his boyfriend - not husband, but boyfriend - on the couch, and he marches straight to the bedroom to grab richie’s bat, comes back out, and smashes the tv

“WHOA, EDS, WHAT THE FUCK-” “GET YOUR SHIT OUT!” “YOU JUST SMASHED A THOUSAND DOLLAR TV-” “GET IT OUT, I’M CALLING OUR SURROGATE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE, JUST GET OUT! IT’S OVER!” he slams the door to his room, leaving richie dumbfounded, but ofc he comes right back out

“you didn’t even ask why i smashed the tv, you just said ‘that was a thousand dollar tv’!” ofc richie’s gonna bite back tho, “okay, fine, let’s ignore the property damage. eddie. what’s wrong?”

“YOU! You took my money-” “our moneY? in OUR bank account?” “and who put that money there? what’d you spend it on, richie? baseball? football? fucking ice skating-” “I’ll get it back-”

“great! mail it to me!” and again, he storms off. so obviously they’re in a pickle but more on that later.

BACK TO STANPAT BEING GREAT, Stan flops on the bed and groans, “this baby making stuff is really hard.”

“yeah but now comes the fun part.” “you’re gonna watch me play video games?” “no, we’re gonna have sex!”

stan doesn’t look as excited as patty hoped and she’s confused as he covers his face and goes, “babe... i kinda did it, with myself, in the bathroom-” “YOU MASTURBATED? WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A BABY, YOU CAN’T-” “YOU LEFT SOME KIND OF WOMEN’S CATALOG-”

“No, take your clothes off-” “Pat, respectfully, I have to take a raincheck-” “No! Take your frickin clothes off, you’re fucking me!” and ofc stan is pretty turned on by his wife being bossy, he can work up another small soldier in his pants maybe... probably... hopefully

so while they’re waiting for him, patty explains all the stuff he can and can’t do

“you’re gonna need to drink plenty of fluids, cut back on things like flaxseed-” “aw babe, I love flaxseed.” bc stan got jokes and patty just stares at him before adding, “and you gotta switch to boxers, the testicles need less restraint-”

“babe, i know you’re a doctor and you have to say that at the hospital, but when you’re at home, could you call them balls? like, stan your hot sweaty balls aren’t good for making babies-” “babe, i have to fuck you right now, stop.”

their banter is everything, and as they climb into bed, patty stresses that missionary position is more likely to get her pregnant, and stan is skeptical, “that just sounds lazy on your part.” but alright! and they do the do, and eventually patty tells him she orgasmed and stan is AGAIN SKEPTICAL

“what? no! You scream a lot when you orgasm-” “oh that’s just for show”

stan found dead in his bedroom

“this baby making stuff just keeps getting better and better.”

and as patty is lying there, hips elevated to help the spermies flow their little way up the pipes, she looks at stan and smiles, “i know this is a lot babe, i’m sorry. I just really want a baby.” and stan smiles back and kisses her hand, “i know pat. me too.” “will you stay with me?” “of course.” and they get to lie there together and be cute

NOW BACK TO REDDIE WHO ARE CLEARLY HAVING ISSUES BUT, EDDIE COMES OUT AND THREATENS TO CALL THE COPS, BUT RICHIE TAKES HIS PHONE AND ASKS, “WILL YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT STARTED ALL THIS, EDDIE? PLEASE?”

and eddie slumps against the wall and explains, “I thought having a baby would fix things. I thought I could get over your aversion to getting married, but I’m sitting at the stoplight, and I realize... everyone’s going somewhere. Everyone’s moving, but me.”

“Well that’s what you do at a stoplight-”

“Shut up Richie.” and Richie tries to reach out to touch Eddie but Eddie kicks him away and scoots to the other side of the wall, leaving Richie to sit in his spot

now they’ve been together since high school, they’re thirty now, and richie still hasn’t hinted at marriage. Eddie’s been ready since 24, and six years is a long time to wait for someone to mature. He really wants this baby, and he really wants a life with Richie, but he doesn’t know how to stop wanting to get married. If Richie doesn’t want that, where does that leave him? he doesn’t know if he can wait much longer for this man to be ready to grow up and start a life

so Richie sighs and goes, “I didn’t spend the money on sports stuff or gambling.” and he pulls a little velvet box from his pocket and slides it over and Eddie’s eyes widen and all Richie can hear from him is, “ohhh”

“I hate you, Richie.” and Richie snorts bc he loves Eddie so much, he knows that EDDIE KNOWS, he’s in the wrong. not richie. “I’m sorry-” “I love you, Eddie.” “I snapped-” “Clearly.” “That was really extreme-” “You’ve always been extreme. You threw the first rock at Stonewall- I mean, Henry.” “Shut up.”

and they start smooching on this apartment floor, but it quickly turns into a frantic fuck bc MAKE UP SEX!!!! WOO WOO!!!

when richie’s in the tub and eddie’s washing his hair, they get the call and the surrogate tells them she chose one of each bc the doctor said it was a maximum of two, they’ll find out in two weeks if it worked and then later, what they’re having!

cut to a couple months later, patty comes home and slams a sonogram on the table for stan to see, and he’s fighting the biggest goofy grin, “what’s that?” “a tumor.” and ofc he’s :/ “no it’s not.” “no it’s not!”

meanwhile, eddie is pacing in his apartment while richie lies on the floor and the surrogate is on speaker, “I didn’t think both eggs would plant! You guys are sure you can handle two kids?”

NOW, FINALLY, CUT BACK TO MIKE. THE BELL RINGS AND HE BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF. ALL THE KIDS RUN OUT OF THE CLASSROOM TO THEIR PARENTS.

Emmy runs off to meet her mom and dad, Patty and Stan Uris

Elton and Cher are hoisted up by their dads, Richie and Eddie

the four of them wave to their old friend, Mike

the end :3

[shittyfandomimagines]

We Lost Us

Decided to make it a short series so this is just a “filler”

Word count: 1,282

Tag-list (sorry if I missed anyone): @peacedolantwins2

@van-horn-dashner

@cafe-sabor-a-chocolate-

@shawnmendes048

@laggyphone

@my-sweet-escape-from-the-world

@miclarodeluna

@jaysgotabadrep

@fanatic-af

I woke up quickly like someone who had a bad nightmare, except instead of being able to move, I was completely frozen. I had no way to move, it felt like my body was stuck to a bed.

“Ms. L/n, please stay still, we’re trying to help you. You were in a bad car wreck.” A nurse had leaned over to be in the view of my eyes, I felt my heart rate pick up as I remembered the last thing that happened.

I had heard the squealing of the tire but when I looked up I knew I was on the right side of the road, but I was still hit. I remember my head hitting the steering wheel. Oh fuck! My mom, my mom is waiting on me. No no. She’s all I have left, I hardly had friends and now I’m going fucking die all alone.

“Someone give her 1 CC of alprazolam, she needs to calm down. Her heart rate is too high.” I heard another nurse yell, soon a face was hovering back over mine. She had a flashlight as she checked my eyes, her face contorted some.

“Left eye is slow to reaction, someone page neurology now and tell the lab we’re coming!” The same nurse yelled, I tried to read her name tag but it was too blurry. I wanted to use my words but I felt like my head was too weak to make words. “She has a severely dislocated hip and ankle is too swollen. The hip can be relocated but the foots pulse is thready, we need x-rays now to see how bad it is before she loses it.” A different nurse says as I’m being pushed forcefully through the halls.

I started to feel droopy again, this time the pain was slowly fading, it must’ve been whatever the hell they used earlier. “You’ve gotta fight for me y/n, I called your mom and you’ve got to fight for her too.” The same nurse leaned down next to my ear, and for the first time, I felt the need to survive.

—-

I groaned as I tried to sit up but a hand pushed me down gently, I opened my eyes slowly to see my mom standing there with tears in her eyes. I wanted to talk but I felt like my mouth was full of cotton. I tapped my lips to indicate I needed water, she understood before pouring some from the pitcher on the portable table.

I sipped it slowly, my throat aching horribly. “Mommy,” I cried for the first time and she held me tightly, well not too tight. “Baby, I was scared to death. I was sitting in the chair when the nurse came running back, Dianne, our favorite. She made me finish my dialysis before I could even come to check on my baby girl.” She cried into my shoulder and I couldn’t wrap my arms around her any tighter, my body felt like jelly.

“I’m sorry mom.” I rested my head on her shoulder, feeling wires pressing between us two. “Hey it’s not your fault, the police stopped by and said the other driver was under the influence, it wasn’t your fault at all. No one died or anything.

You had pressure on your brain but they were able to use medicines to help. The wires are to monitor it, then you shattered your right ankle from trying to slam on the brake. They performed emergency surgery to fix the smaller pieces but there’s a splint on to heal the bigger bones.” She explained everything that had happened and I nodded.

“How long ago was the wreck?” The way she spoke about it made it seem like it was a while back. “Well, it’s been a few days now, the best part is that the media has no clue. You don’t have to worry about all the questions, no Shawn either.” She knew all about him, I tell her every single thing that happens in my life.

“Good, I don’t want him acting all buddy-buddy after we haven’t spoken,” I say as I settle back into the uncomfortable bed. I started to feel tired again and my mom could tell, so she stood up from the bed.

“Is it okay if I go get some clothes from home while you sleep?” She asks and I nod. “Go ahead, I’ll be fine.” I smile gently.

——

I felt the tug at my arm, expecting it to be my mom back from her house. I opened my eyes slowly to be faced with Shawn, my heart rate picking up quickly. I saw the tears in his eyes, the other hand that wasn’t on me was shaking with nerves.

“What are you doing here?” My voice snapped into Shawn’s own world. “Well, your mom was called into work and they had no one else, so she asked me to make sure you had a familiar face to wake up to.” He nervously explained. Did it have to be him? Mom is back to playing matchmaker again.

“Okay.” I moved my arm out of his grip.

“What happened to us? You’ve never acted this way to me.”

“Shawn, there was no point in us being friends anymore. You only hung out with me when Abigail was working, but when I needed you she did too. You chose your girlfriend, which is fine, but that used to be me. You told me the day that you two officially started dating that you wouldn’t get rid of me. Too late.”

“I never got rid of you! Yeah I didn’t have time for us but you’re still my best friend, you were the one who left. Who unfollowed me on Instagram and removed me from Snapchat. Blocked my number from your phone! You got rid of me because you didn’t confront this.”

I shook my head at his testimony, it made me want to laugh. Couldn’t he tell there was a reason I had to leave? I was the one being ignored so I might as well fucking leave it behind if nothing comes out of it.

“You gave me no reason to stay? There was no point in our friendship if you ignore me anyways. Blocking you didn’t change anything from the past 5 months.”

“You’re willing to give up 8 years of friendship because of it?”

“I didn’t want to lose you but there was no other option. I’d keep you in my life forever but there are restraints, no reason to press it further.”

My head started hurting, I felt like the back of my neck was on fire. My stomach started to hurt and I felt like I could vomit.

“You look as white as a ghost, fuck.”

“I don’t feel so good.” I reached over to grab the vomit bag, puking inside of it.

Shawn was rapidly pushing the nurse button, when they answered he explained what happened.

They came in as quickly as they could, checking my eyes and fever. They pulled the huge stand where the monitors on my head were connected to. “She has an elevated blood pressure so it’s affecting the ICP. Someone give her 3 CC’s of acetazolamide.” One nurse yelled and I sunk back into my bed.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” I heard Shawn’s voice and I nodded, I started to feel a little loopy as their medicine entered my bloodstream, if I had to guess, they’re trying to make me sleep through it.

“Y/n you’re going to sleep for a bit, your pressure is back up and we need to let your brain rest.”

“Oh, oka-“

[likeadrug-ff]

O N E

L O N D Y N 

Here I am, in the back of my best friends, Kaiden, car with my legs spread wide open. “Kaiden..” Him blowing on my opening make my talking come to halt as I threw my head back. I felt soft wet kisses along my second set of lips and that alone had me letting out low moans.

When I felt like I had enough strength, I pressed my palm against his forehead and managed to get him to lift his head. Kaiden gazed up at me looking high as hell. “Whats up Rose?” I loved when he called me by my middle name and just that fast, I had forgot what I wanted to say. I shook my head and motioned for him to continue.

“Lon! There yall are, oouu..” That was my beautiful, sassy, and hotheaded sister Loryn. She gave Kaiden and I the meanest glare. ”Well thanks for disappearing, had me thinking yall left a bitch for dead.” The fact that my sister really thought I would just leave her high and dry is ridiculous.

She rolled her eyes and walked past us to the car. We followed her without caring to respond and thankful for her not questioning us. Silence filled the car as Kaiden drove us back home. My mind was racing and thinking about millions and one things. “Kaiden can we please stop to get something to eat? Please?” was the last thing I heard before I leaned against the window and closed my eyes.

—

The next morning I woke up with the worst headache. I noticed that it was two pills and a bottle of water on the nightstand and I silently thanked whoever placed them there. Sitting up I threw the pills back and washed them down with the water. I groaned lightly and sluggishly made my way to the bathroom.

I looked myself over in the mirror and shook my head with a wide grin on my face. I dont remember a lot from last night but I do remember the most important memory, getting head from Kaiden for the fist time. Shaking my head, I quickly did my hygiene.

“LoLo?” I heard a soft knock before the door opened. Every one of my sisters had a different nickname for me and vise versa. “You good? I heard yall was white boy wasted last night.” Lolani let out a small giggle and jumped up on the counter. I continued on with my morning routine and moisturized my face. “Please dont remind me.” I rolled my eyes and watched as she raised one brow. “I’ll go into detail later.”

She gave me a small nod and kissed my cheek before jumping down. “Oh yeah, can you cook breakfast please? Mommy went in early.” Our mom works her ass off twice as hard every since our father just up and left us. Said he couldnt afford two sets of twin daughters.

We both walked out the bathroom together and ended up meeting Loryn and Leilani in the kitchen. Loryn and I exchanged looks that made us both burst out into laughter. My cheeks were blushing red. The girls looked on at us like we had lost our damn mind. “Ok ok, spills the beans LoLo.”

“Wait until we’re all sitting down and eating.” I turned to the counter to see that this fat ass hoes had all the food laid out for me. I thank them for that but damn, who in the hell do they think is cooking all of this? Oh, thats right, me. I rolled my eyes at them and went to wash my hands at the sink.

“On a serious note, hows the job search going? Yall know we gotta at least try to help mama out.” I announced when I finally got myself together. About a week ago we had a sit down together as the FabFour, something our mom started calling us as she watched us bond, to start pitching in with the bills. Dont get me wrong my mama make good money but its the least we can do.

“I got a interview at the call center, Sykes. The only bad thing is that they do drug test.” Leilani is a huge pothead. This girl cant go a day without smoking a blunt. “And please dont forget to ask your manager about my application.” “Oh shit, thank you for reminding me. I work tomorrow.”

I sprayed down the pans and placed them on the stove. Cracking the eggs I added in the seasonings while looking over at Lolani. She was the youngest and most sensitive. She was watching me with the biggest smile on her face. “What?” I couldn’t help the smile that rose to my lips. “My professor offered me a job to intern in a pastry shop.”

She was so soft spoken and looked so innocent knowing damn well she wasnt. “I’ll be making good money and its guaranteed that I’ll have an official spot when I graduate college.” I couldn’t be more proud of her. “Thats my girl.” I responded with the same smile on my face.

“The grand opening for my shop is two weeks away.” Loryn chimed in next. She was overly excited about her natural hair shop and of course I couldn’t be more proud of my twin.  She’s been working day and night for this. “I really need yall to be there, it’ll mean the world to me.” Here she goes.

“Why on earth wouldnt we be there? We wouldnt dare miss our sisters big day.” Leilani had to reassure her while Lolani and I nodded in agreement. The smile on Loryns face was bout big as I dont know what.

And as for me, Im a nurse. Looking after older and younger paitents, making sure they’re eating and excersing right. I also work at a retail store called Ollies Bargain Outlet. The managers are a pain in the ass and the coworkers love to kiss ass. I couldnt stand working there but its a job thats paying.

It took me about half an hour to finish breakfast. It looked like I fixed enough for a damn tribe but I mean it when I say that it’ll all be eaten. When we were all sitting down with full plates and our drinks, we looked around for someone to come forward and say prayer. When no one spoke up I sighed and bowed my head.

“Lord,” by this time they follwed my actions. “thank you for this food that we are about to recieve, I ask that you bless and nuture it. In Jesus name I pray, amen.” The repeated after me and no words were said after that. All you could hear was forks hitting plates and smacking here and there. “So, spill the beans.” Damn, I couldnt get anything pass these sisters of mine.

*flashback*

Walking inside the club lastnight with Loryn beside me, I scanned the place for Kaiden and his crew. He asked me to come out and have fun with them and I happily agreed. “You see them?” I leaned into her so she could hear me better.

She scanned around and took my hand leading me towards some stairs. Once Kaiden noticed us he started grinning and met us halfway at the rope. He unlocked it and welcomed us in. “Yall look good.” He bent down to hug us and handed us a shot. I looked at it sceptacal as Loryn took hers to the head.

“Its Vodka.” “Its white.” I fired back. Everybody knows I dont mess with white liquor, only brown. Kaiden tried to roll his eyes in the most manliest way and picked up another shot. “C’mon. I’ll take it wit you Rose.” Counting to three in my head I quickly threw the shot back and screwed my face after it burned my throat.  “It aint even that bad, stop acting.” I flicked him off as we both laughed.

We had to only be here for about twenty minutes and Kaiden had me damn near drunk. He had finally got shots of my liking and I was gladly throwing them back. Loryn had went to the dance floor with Ace, one of Kiadens best homies.

“Just one more shot then we can be done!” I screamed over the music. I handed him a shot and we clung the glasses together before taking it. The seductive music, the lights and shots had me feeling just right. I watched as Kaiden licked over his lips as he placed his our glasses on the counter and turned to look down at me.

I couldnt help the dirty thoughts that came to mind as I gave his face a good overlook. His pink juicy lips. Oh how I would just love to have them around my clit.. “Yo, you aight?” He had his hand on the lower part of my back while looking very concerned.

“Your lips.. I need them wrapped around my clit, like now!” He looked astonished by what came out of my mouth. He started to laugh but when he seen how I serious I was he stopped. “Lets go.” He clamped his hand inside of mine and led me down the stairs and out the of club..

*flashback over*

“You litte floozy!” We all busted out in to laughter. “Did you feel weird after it after happened? Being that he is your best friend.” I played around with the left over food on my plate. “Of course I felt weird. I had to stop him at least three times last night.” My cheeks were right back red.

“Loryn how didnt you know?!” Lolani fired her way, I silently thanked her as she took the attention off of me. “Now just how was I suppose to know? I was too busy grinding all up on Ace fine ass.” I knew she had a thing of him. He was definetly her type. Tall, dark skinned and mean to the world but sweet to her.

“Ahhh both of yall fucking with the homies.” Leilani had this huge grin on her face. Loryn and I were quick to deny it though. “Im not fucking with Kai like that, he only ate me out and that was it. Would I do it again?” I scooted my chair out and gathered my trash as they waited for my answer.

“You damn right!”

K A I D E N  

I had received a text from Londyn around five this evening thanking me for a wonderful night and the medicine. We continued texting for a while before she finally asked me to come over so we could talk face to face. I knew what she wanted to discuss. To be honest I thought she was going to feel some type of way about what happened between us.

I was more shocked at myself. The fact that I gave her head last night was mind blowing. Normally Im the one coming onto the opposite sex but she was in control. Then on top of that I let her get away with just me eating her pussy. Nothing in return.

I agreed to coming over and went to freshen myself up. After getting dressed I grabbed everything I needed and sat in my car rolling a blunt. I was blasting the radio and tucked the blunt away when I was done. Backing out of my driveway I made my way down the street. Driving like a NASCAR driver.  

It felt like a mini road trip driving from my place to hers. But thats what the blunt was for, came in handy. When I pulled up in her driveway I seen that her moms car was parked in the yard. Seems like it just got a fresh wash. I aint even gon’ lie and say that I aint feel like a bitch when I pulled the visor down to check myself out in the mirror. “Fuck wrong witchu Kaiden?” I said aloud to myself.

I shot her a text telling her to come to the door once I finally got my shit together. When I seen the front door open she was standing there in some red booty shorts, almost like the ones in the movie Juno, a snug shirt that showed off her amazing curves and some ugg boots. As I got out the car I couldn’t hold my laugh back. “Whats so funny?” She asked once I finally got close to her. “You live in them boots huh?” I swiftly licked over my lips and looked down at her.

“Fuck you.” We quickly gave each other eye contact and then busted out laughing like some hyenas. “Shit could’ve happened. C’mon.” I motioned for her to her walk up the stairs before me to her room. I was ready to get some shit off my chest and Im pretty sure she wanted to do the same.

I threw myself on her bed and made sure I was comfortable after kicking my shoes off. “So before we really start talking things over, lets not forget about us being best friends first. I dont want anything to fuck up our friendship. Deal?” She was chewing on the corner of her bottom lip. Something she would do faithfully when she was nervous. I kissed my teeth at her.

“I done told you since the day be came best friends that this shit was real for me. I aint neva had no real friends nshit so I wouldnt do shit to jeopardize it, well not on purpose.” And I meant dat shit. The bond that we have is something I cherish. Ion know what the hell I would if Londyn stopped fucking wit me. My heart was lowkey racing now and I was thinking the complete worst.

She was the first person that made me open up when I moved out here. She wouldnt leave me alone at first and after a few months she made me a nigga feel welcome. “Kai? You hear me?”

“My bad, whatchu say again?” By now she had my attention as I seen the now annoyed look on her face. This girl hated repeating herself. “You better pay attention,” she just had to roll them damn eyes. “last night took me by surprise and I wont say that I never thought about it, but I dont think it can happen again.” Oh I was definitely all ears now.

I know my face said everything I was feeling. “Kaiden I just.. Im not what you’re use to. I-I catch feelings, I think about life long term and you’re not ready for that.” I gave her a long stare, right in her eyes. I dont even recall having a girl, let alone letting Londyn meet anyone so fuck she talking bout?

“How do you know what Im use to? Have I ever talked about a bitch to you? Ever met a bitch? Ever told you liked a bitch? And just how da hell you know what Im ready for Lon?” She sat there on hush mode. When she didnt utter a word I continued, “All throughout high school you were the only female I encountered with. I aint even look a bitch way cause I was too hung up on you.”

Her mouth dropped open and when she tried to talk I put my hand up to stop her. “I had to listen to you bitch and moan about niggas trying to fuck wit you and there I was, head over hills for yo ass. I mean, shit I had alot of dreams about us and you had to be drunk for part of my dreams to come true.”

I had to let out a chuckle with that last part. I mean Im glad that I finally got that shit off my chest but now I had to brace myself for the hardest part; hearing her response. She looked taken back, confused, couldn’t stop giving me this look, where she squint her eyes, open her mouth to speak and then close it looking away.

“You could’ve at least told me something Kaiden. Like, it didnt have to happen like this,” Her voice was very soft at the moment. “me drunk and completely in charge and then you.. I dont know. You should’ve said something!” She was letting out angry growls and launched towards me with her fist balled up.

“Chiiill Rose.” I couldn’t contain my laughing. I had a hold on her wrists while she was struggling to get loose. Once we had both calmed down nshit I got my thoughts together. Why didnt I say shit to her? Maybe cause her lil ass was too focused on them niggas that aint really give a shit about her. Or maybe it was ‘cause I aint wanna get rejected by my only friend.  

[riverdaleouat4432]

Love? or Friendship? Prince Chess x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Cursing

This means a dream or memory 

Summary: You are helping Prince trump and Shuel collect hopeless energy as for Prince Chess, Ari, Min, and Suha are collecting Hopeful energy. But what happens when Prince Chess Saves you from drowning on Jeju Island?

Y/n Pov:

It was an ordinary day. Me and Shuel are trying to convince Prince Trump to collect Hopeless energy but he is not cooperating.  “Prince Trump Queen Canopy will not be very happy if we don’t collect Hopeless energy”. “Mao he’s too busy focusing on Ari Jin.” “That’s it fuck you Prince Trump we have a job and you aren’t doing it okay, well anyways me and Shuel are going to get Hopeless energy are you coming?” “No, I’m going to go see Ari also I quit I don’t want to do this Hopeless energy I will help get Hopeful energy.” With Prince Trump left. “Shuel we will get your fiancé back.” As I was walking home I saw Ari and Trump laughing and talking she was also with Suha, Min and a Blue flying Hamster. I decided to follow them and I hear that Ari and Trump are a couple. I decided to call Shuel and she was pissed I mean I would to if my soon to be husband was dating some other girl. I was trying to be quit but then I bumped over a glass bottle and I ran and hid. 

Time skip

I told Shuel and she was yelling like no tomorrow. I swear I was scared. 

Shuel Pov:

I was mad Ari Jin was always Ari Jin. “Y/n” “yeah Shuel?” “We are going to Jeju island with Ari and her friends” “Ok but what about Trump?” “He will want to collect Hopeless energy when we have succeeded our mission.”  I decided to pack Mao. As we settle on our seats on the plane I sat next to Trump and Ari was the window seat next to Trump. As the plane shook we were in a giant rainstorm. There was a man and he was rude but also forgot his medicine. I decided to make a mess in the kitchen but then I saw y/n heading in the same direction so we both messed up the kitchen and we took a lollipop and gave it to a boy 5 years old. Of course Ari had to ruin the plan. I was trying to get hopeless energy from Min’s Cousin. We landed on Jeju island but before I thought I saw Prince Chess. y/n doesn’t know Prince Chess. She was my friend when were in Flowering Kingdom. 

Time skip:

  y/n pov:

I was sitting in the back of the bus and I saw a man wearing a mask and a hat. Who wears that stuff in this weather. We went into the house. We were all going to the beach but I didn’t feel like it. So, I stayed in the house and took a nap.

I was in a cabin and I saw my mom and dad and my mom was  so pretty but they didn’t want me. “We must get ride of y/n” Is what a man said to a women. “why she is our daughter” “I know but she is not a boy I wanted a boy” “NO!! I will keep her then and I will raise her you can leave but I am not leaving her alone.” With that the memory faded and I was in a room with toys and playing with a ball. “y/n time for your beating” “What are you taking about” “It is your fault my husband left you were supposed to be a boy but you aren’t and now you remind me of him and you will pay I am mad and pissed.” “ Mommy I’m sorry how can I fix this?” “You can fix this by leaving and never coming back ever I don’t want to see you ugly face and hope you can find a boy when you are older who will love you and listen to you... but wait that will never happen because you are a disgrace.”  I ran and ran I was only 5 years old. I was running and was backed into a corner by a Dragon.

It was huge and I wanted to eat me. I got out of the corner and I was running and running but then I tripped and fell I was also near a cliff. 

“AAAAHHH” I woke up screaming and sweat dripping off my face. I might have screamed too loud because I saw a boy my age come running into my room. He looked familiar what he was the the guy on the bus with the mask and hat. “Are you ok miss?” “yes” “So what was the dream that made you wake up screaming?” “Oh nothing not even a real dream so...” “What do you mean not even a real dream?” “Oh I mean like the dream won’t come true.” “Oh well sleep well.” “Thanks” He left and I was sitting here thinking about the dream then remembered the dream was my past. The truth is I might look brave and strong but I’m not I have feared of loving and being loved. I even live in fear all my life I have no hope in finding love and I had hope back home but that was lost because when I told the boy I loved him he just laughed and ran away. 

Prince Chess pov:

I was standing outside of y/n’s room and I could sense hopeless energy. I ran to find Suha, Min, and Ari also Trump. I told them that nd Shuel was there she was surprised herself. Ari, Min, and Suha transformed and ran to y/n. They entered the room and y/n was reading a book. She looks really peaceful. They talked to her than y/n blew up and said she doesn’t need help with anything that she is a human that has problems everyone does. I looked out the corner of my and saw Shuel smirking evilly. Then night came and I hear yelling and someone screaming help. The I saw y/n drowning but she is trying to keep her head above water. I didn’t work because she was going down in the water. I swam in and grabbed her brought her to the shore. She wasn’t breathing so I had to give her CPR. She was coughing up water and was freezing cold. I took her to a little cabin I found and laid her down trying to get her to wake up. She did and she was super confused on where she was and what happened. I told her and she thanked me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I got to know her and I realized my feelings because I liked her. 

Time Skip:

We back at school and I decided to tell her I liked her. “Hey y/n” “Oh... hey Chess” “ Umm... I wanted to tell you that umm.... I really like you” “There’s no need to feel embarrassed I really like you to.” Then I kissed her, she kissed back. I finally got the girl of my dreams. 

[bride-of-freddy-krueger]

Ya know what I hate? When someone who is such a narcissist, spoiled brat paints you to be the bad guy because of how you act, but you can't help it because of your Mental Illnesses. Yet, they were the one who strung you along and made you think you had a friend to cry to then later on use it as an excuse as to why they can't be your friend anymore. Because they're tired of being your "therapy dog". But you were always there for them, pushing them to be a better person, but they didn't listen because you didn't have a dick or because you couldn't take care of them like mommy and daddy can. And then that person credits other people for their new "success in life" to this new person with a dick and/or their other friends...yeah. I'm the one that's so fucking horrible. Even though each time we had a small fight and it was always, "my fault because I had a bad day and used the same apology everytime"...do you know anything about Clinical Depression? Panic Disorder? Oh, well, allow me to show you

So, yes. When we fought, it wasn't always my fault, but I was always having a bad day. I used the same apology because I was trying to educate you, but you just couldn't comprehend. My guess is because you couldn't be bothered with any of it since you clearly couldn't have cared less about me and what I was going through, but I always telling you I was there if you needed to talk. Ever. I even told you multiple times to call my phone to wake me up, no matter what time it was if you needed me. You never spoke to me and when you did it was the same thing, so I could flip it around on you, but I won't because THAT'S HOW SOME MENTAL ILLNESSES JUST ARE. I talked to you through everything, even panic attacks. Yeah, you helped me too, but that's why I kept going to you. Not because you were my "therapy dog", but because it's what best friends do. Shit, even just A FRIEND will do that. And I always said I was working on it, but you, "never saw any change" because I've been seeing my psychiatrist for only 8 months now with an appointment once a month. That means I've seen her a total of 8 times. We're still working on my medicines. And I'm doing therapy for just as long and I see her almost every week, but I'm not gonna be fixed right away. That's not how it.

So, I say this to you, loud and clear: YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET.

Why? Because you made me feel like I was for acting how I do on my bad days when sometimes I have no control over it. Would you walk to a Veteran with PTSD and say, "Yeah, you need to stop with the panic attacks. It's been a while since you came back from war"? No. Their situation is much worse than mine by far, but my brain is no different. So, how dare you string me along, thinking I had some kind of friend in you. How dare you make ME feel like I'm the biggest piece of shit you've ever met simply because of my Mental Illnesses. I never used them as an excuse and always took 100% responsibility for my actions, but only tried explaining to you how my mind worked, why I acted how I acted, why I said what I said because I felt like I needed to. I felt like I had to justify myself to you because I was scared to lose you as a friend...but now? I see the real you. I see how you really treat people and it's disgusting.

I do hope you have a great life though because I'm not looking for any bad karma to come my way. Just know that I'm so much happier without you. Everyone has been telling me that this past week. I feel free. I have so much more time to do what I love instead of worrying about giving you the attention you always required. So, I guess, in a way, I should be thanking you...but I won't 💋🖕🏻

[coralpiratekingdom-blog]

522 HD and FULL HD Femdom, Anal Play, Strap-on, Bondage, Foot Worship, Stockings, Handjobs, Milking, Cum Eating, Humiliation, CBT, Sissy, Ballbusting, Pussy Worship, Chastity videos. Atlanta Dominatrix, FemDom Goddess Cheyenne has been practicing Bondage and the art of Classic Domination since 1999 spanning back to the Atlanta chapter of People Exchanging Power. She is one of the few Dominatrices with over 16 years of traceable BDSM credentials. GoddessCheyenne.com has been active since 2002 and verifiable through whois.com. Opulent Fetish continually produces #1 ranked FemDom clips covering activities such as Bondage, Strap-on, Spanking, sissy Training, Foot slaves, Mature Woman, Female Domination, BDSM, male slaves, Muscular Women, Lift and Carry, Vampire, Whipping, Corporal, Leather Fetish, Latex Fetish, ABDL, Hypno Dom, Super Heroine / Super Villain, Fetish, Kink and more. FemDom Goddess Cheyenne’s Private Dungeon is in the heart of Atlanta, well known for its fully equipped playrooms and over the top lavish decor. Shibari suspension and rope bondage are beautiful to behold from Her twenty foot ceiling. Goddess Cheyenne’s Dungeon boasts eight Huge Custom Bondage Furniture Stations with multiple suspension points and devices, a huge array of Leather Bondage restraints from mild to severe including sensory deprivation hoods and sleepsacks, leather cuffs and mitts and latex breather hoods.

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[my-fanfic-soul]

Can you write a Niall imagine where he wakes you up in the middle of the night crying because he's feeling really ill and he's got a headache and his stomach hurts and he really wants his mum because he's used to her taking care of him whenever he's ill? Thanks !!

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get this written out and thanks for being patient with me. I went in a bit of a different direction than this for a few reasons and then it took on a mind of it’s own. I hope you still like it it!-- Meghan

Niallhates going to the doctor.

Imean, Niall hates going to the doctor.  As long as whatever illnesshe has doesn’t affect his ability to sing, he avoids the doctor at all costs. It doesn’t stop his whining, because on top of that he’s a horriblepatient, but after a while you learn to ignore it.  By “it” I mean, thewhining about being too hot, then being too cold.  The specific requestsfor noodles in his soup.  The declarations of his coming death.

Atleast he figured out pretty quickly that complaining about “That’s not how mymum did it!” wouldn’t fly much farther than a lead balloon.  His jaw hadsnapped shut and it was never brought up again when I told him he could go homeso Mommy could take care of him, then.

Wasit tough love?  Of course.  It’s not like I neglect him, but I workwith kids all day.  I don’t have time for a whiny man-child when I gethome.

Exceptthis time, even though he was just doing his general whining about not feelinggood and wanting to be waited on (he wasn’t), something told me there was anactual problem.  I might have ignored it, except a few hours after dinnerI saw him put his hand against his side and swear, “Fucking Christ, my stomachhurts.”

Somethingabout where he put his hand set off warning signals in my brain.  “Whereexactly does it hurt?” I asked him.

Niallpointed to the area of his belly button and said, “Around here.”

Afrown settled on my face.  “Maybe we should go to Urgent Care,” I suggest. “I don’t like where your pain is.”

Niallshook his head firmly.  “No doctors, I’m fine.  Just need somemedicine and my woman to take care of me.”

Rollingmy eyes, I picked my book up and kissed Niall on the forehead, thrown off by howwarm it felt.  “You’re cute, but that’s not happening.  There’s ablanket behind you.  I’ll be in the bath if you really need me.”

“Ialways need you,” he teased, his eyebrows wiggling as his eyes (and hands)zeroed in on my bum.

Isnorted as I straightened up.  “You must not be feeling too badly.”

Aswe got ready for bed that night, I noticed that Niall was looking pretty pale. When I asked about it, he said he was nauseous and his stomach was reallyhurting.  I tried to convince him to go to a doctor, but he still refused. I let it slide and eventually fell asleep, even with my mind racing inconcern.

At2 AM I woke up to the sound of Niall retching in the bathroom.  I was outof bed and beside him in the work of a moment.  Sweat was pouring off hisskin but what really threw me off were the tears streaming out of his eyes. Niall didn’t cry for no reason.  He wasn’t afraid of his emotions,but he never cried over spilled milk.  “Sweetheart,” I whispered, brushingmy hand against his forehead, feeling that he was blazing with fever. “How long have you been throwing up?”

“Idunno,” he whimpered, resting his head against my chest.  “My stomachhurts, my head hurts, and I can’t stop puking.”

Hewhimpered as I extricated myself from his hold and went to the sink to wet awashcloth.  When I came back, I wiped his mouth off and informed him, “Youno longer get a choice.  We’re going to the emergency room.”

Nialltried to shake his head and argued faintly, “No doctors.  I just need somemedici…” His words were cut off by his need to throw himself over the toiletagain to throw up.

“NiallJames Horan,” I said firmly.  “I think you have appendicitis.  Peptobismol and tylenol are not going to cut it this time.  Congratulations,you’ve finally turned me into a nursemaid.  I’m going to go find you ashirt and put on my shoes.  Just stay still for now, ok?”

GettingNiall out of the house and into the passenger seat of the car was an event inand of itself.  He cried out when I pulled his t-shirt on over his headand he cried as I slowly limped him to the car.  Every swear word he’sever learned, in multiple languages, fell out of his mouth.  He had tolean out of the car to vomit before I even got a chance to close his door.

WhenI handed him a ziplock bag, he managed to muster enough energy to sass me. “What the hell is this for?” he asked.  “We aren’t going on apicnic, woman.”

Irolled my eyes as I unzipped it for him.  “I know that, Niall.  Ibrought ziplock bags so you can puke into those and zip them up on the way tothe hospital.  It’ll be faster than pulling over and we’re less likely tobe papped while you’re on your deathbed.  Unless you want this onthe internet before we even get a chance to call your dad.”

Ifhe thought to argue or sass me some more, it was overridden by his queasiness. The entire trip to the hospital was spent with me muttering prayers undermy breath between making calls to everyone who would need to know-- hisbodyguard, his manager, his parents, and the hospital so they’d know they had apatient coming in with an increased need for privacy.  My gut was twistedlike a dishrag someone was trying to wring out.  My phone calls had beenmet with concern and even speculation that I was overreacting from Niall’smother.  She thought we should give it a few more hours at home before Irushed him off to the hospital for a stomach ache, but I knew with every fiberof my being that I was right to be worried.

WhenI pulled into the ambulance bay by request of the hospital staff over thephone, I was relieved to see two of Niall’s normal bodyguards standing therewith a nurse and a hospital official.  I gladly accepted a hug from one ofthem as I stepped out of the car and the other three started getting Niall intoa wheelchair.  “He doesn’t look good,” he said quietly as he took the keysfrom my hand.  “Stay with him, I’ll go park the car.  I think we’rein for a long night”

“Thankyou,” I whispered before I turned to follow Niall and his entourage into theprivate triage room.  I knew I was right to bring him here, but it feltnice to hear someone else who knows Niall when he’s well say it to me.

“Canyou tell us what’s wrong Niall?” a nurse asked him as she checked histemperature and pursed her lips.  I knew that look, it was never a good one.

Nialltook a deep breath and said, “My stomach, like on my side, is killing me and myhead is pounding.  I can’t see straight and I’m dizzy.”

“Theheadache and the dizziness are probably from dehydration.  How long haveyou been vomiting?” she asked as she switched to taking his blood pressure.

Ican tell they’re rushing around, trying to get him taken care of so we can bemoved to a room, but I feel like everything’s moving in slow motion.  Toofast and too slow at the same time.  It’s taking forever but before I knowit, we’re in a private room and Niall’s being hooked up to an IV for hisdehydration.  He’s asking for pain medication but they can’t give him anyuntil he’s seen by a doctor.

Thenthe doctor is in there and I’m cringing as the prod at Niall’s abdomen and hecries out in agony.  Normally I delight in being told I’m right, but Ifeel my stomach drop into my feet as the doctor tells us that I was right tobring him here, that he suspects it’s appendicitis.  That they still needto do a CT Scan and check his blood work before they can be 100% certain, buthe can’t see how it would be anything different.

Idon’t know how much time passes before they’re wheeling Niall out of the roomto go get the scan done, all I know is he finally got some relief from the painmedicine and the nausea medicine.  While Niall’s gone his manager arrivesand I fill him in on what’s going on.  We agree to wait until we have adefinitive answer before we call his parents and worry them any more than theyalready are.  I’m grateful for the company in the cold room, since thebodyguard who stayed behind is standing outside the door.

WhenNiall gets back I can see that he’s scared.  Knee injuries and things ofthat nature don’t scare him: he knows what caused them and knows how they canbe fixed.  This is different though and all I can do to ease his worry ishold his hand and brush my fingers through his hair.  They up his painmedicine and he starts to get a little loopy, but he still looks at me like I’msome kind of prize, even though he’s laying on his back in a hospital room.

Itfeels like an eternity but the clock says it’s only an hour later that thedoctor comes in and tells us that between his physical exam, the blood work,and the CT scan, they can confirm that it’s appendicitis and that he has surgeryscheduled for later in the morning.  That they believe they’ll be able touse the less invasive procedure.

Iwas expecting to feel some kind of relief at the news, knowing exactly what’swrong and that it can be fixed.  Instead, anxiety washes over me. We’re assured that this is a normal procedure and that it’s one of themost common surgeries performed in the hospital, but I can’t control thefeeling of dread.  Any time someone goes under anesthesia it’s a risk, andthe love of my life is about to go under the knife.

Hismanager offers to make all of the phone calls to family so I can stay withNiall.  I’m appreciative of the privacy for a bit, just holding Niall’shand as I watch him sleep.  A nurse brings me a blanket and a pillow atsome point, despite my protests that there’s no way I can sleep right now.

Mybody had other ideas though, because at 8 AM I’m being shaken awake and my headis coming up off the bed where it has been resting on my arms.  I lookaround blurrily and see the doctors there to start on Niall’s pre-op work. I move out of the way and a cup of coffee is pushed into my hands. Looking up, I see Niall’s manager.  “Thanks,” I mutter as I takesip.

“Willie’son his way,” he said as we watched them work around a barely awake Niall. I swore quietly; I had forgotten that his cousins were in town.  Foronce they weren’t staying with us and they had slipped my mind.  “He knowsyou had other things on your mind.  He wanted to sober up some before heheaded this direction.  The others will make their way here once Niall’sout of surgery and more awake.  I know you don’t like the circus affect.”

“Hedoesn’t need it.  He needs to heal,” I sigh.  “I have to find thetoilet.  Don’t let them take Niall to surgery until I get back.”

WhenI came back in they were getting ready to wheel him away.  I went to hisside and brushed his hair back needlessly.  “I love you,” I whisper. “You’ll do great.  I’ll see you once you come out of recovery.”

“Getdown here and kiss me, woman, I’m not dying,” he grumbles and I hear chucklesfrom around the room as I pretend that his hand pulling on my is effective. I kiss him lightly and he holds me in place instead of letting me pullaway.  “I’ll be fine, pet.  It’s just an appendectomy.  I’ll beout of here in no time.”

“Youdidn’t even know what an appendectomy was until a few hours ago,” I remind him. “Isn’t it supposed to be me comforting you?  You’re thepatient.”

“Butyou’re the love of my life and I know you’re worried.”

Ifrowned and kissed him again before pulling out of his grip.  I squeezehis hand one last time and tell him, “See you on the other side, Horan.” Once he’s gone a nurse leads us to the room that will be his once he’sout of surgery.  Normally they would have us wait in a public waitingarea, but the waiting room is public and we can’t risk pictures getting out ofus down there.  It’s a risk to our privacy, but also the other familieswaiting on word of their loved ones who could very well be facing much riskiersurgeries,

“I’mkind of wishing I hadn’t watched those Grey’s Anatomy reruns with you,” I heardfrom the door and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Willie standing there. “Knowing what can go wrong in standard surgeries isn’t as relaxing as onewould think.”

Igot up to hug him and replied, “You’re telling me.  Thanks for coming.”

Willieshrugged as he lowered himself into an empty seat.  “Of course.  Howis he?”

Glancingup at the clock I say, “He should be heading into surgery any moment now. They’ll let us know if something happens and they have to switch to adifferent approach, but other than that they’ll just let us know when he comesout.  He’ll stay in recovery for a while, they’ll let us see him once hewakes up, and then they’ll move him up here.”

We’requiet for a bit before I hear Willie speak up, “I know they give you shit fornot being as nurturing as his mum, especially when he’s sick, but if you hadtried to act like her this may have been a very different surgery.  Shewould have tried to take care of him at home until at least now.  But ifyou had kept him at home, his appendix may have burst before they could doanything about it.  It may have worked when he was a kid, but he’s agrownup now who turns into a whiny ass when he’s sick.  You don’t put upwith his shit, but you know when things are too serious for you to handle. You’re good for him.”

Ismiled gratefully at him.  “Thanks for saying that.”

Itfeels like an eternity before they’re bringing Niall back up to his room. We opted not to go down to recovery because it was already crowded andonly one of us would be able to go.  When Niall opened his eyes as he wasrolled into the room, I nearly cried out in happiness.

“Hey,beautiful girl,” he mumbled as I went to him.

“Heyyourself,” I whispered as I sat on the edge of his bed.  “Now you’ve gottwo battle scars to show off to all the ladies.”

Hegave me a small smile.  “Only lady I want to show it off to is you.”

Ibrushed a finger down the side of his cheek.  “We can wait awhile before Itake a gander at it, alright?”  He nodded and before long he was asleepagain.

Allday long there was a steady stream of people coming in and out of his room. I stayed parked by his side for most of it, only getting up to use therestroom and when Willie dragged me forcibly from the room for food with theaid of one of the bodyguards.  Niall had been in fairly good spirits whenhe wasn’t sleeping and it was good for me to see him doing as well as he couldbe.  We’d be here for the night so he could get more antibiotics via IVbecause they weren’t happy with his white cell count.

Latethat night, after everyone but me and one bodyguard had gone home, I wascrawling into the chair by his side with a blanket and a pillow when Niallreached out and squeezed my hand.  I was worried he needed somethingbefore he said, “You take care of me better than my mum does.”

Icoughed out a small laugh as I ran a thumb over the top of his hand.  There’sno way he’d ever say that when he wasn’t on some good pain meds.  “I don’t think she’ll like hearing thattomorrow when she gets here.”

“It’strue though,” he muttered before drifting back off to sleep.  I couldn’tkeep the smile off my lips as I settled down next to him, blocking out thesounds of hospital around us as I drifted off.

Master List