#mom says we might not celebrate my birthday because the family is all too sick. i understand. it is how it is.

[kellystar321]

.

[mercy-burning]

Second Nature

Part of Mercy’s 1k Celebration: A collection of Spencer Reid x Reader requests to celebrate 1,000 followers.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Spencer and Reader share some realizations after one of them has been kidnapped. Category: FLUFF + ADDITIONAL SMUT ENDING (18+) Warnings: Language, brief mentions of kidnapping and injury, bruising, sex (penetrative sex, protected sex, dirty talk, lowkey hand kink—i’m not sorry) Word Count: 6.1k

Full Request: “...Congratulations on your 1k! I have  request for your celebration, if possible. Spencer/Fem Reader. Post prison Spencer, instead of him being taken by the cult, the reader is, making hi realize that she’s Love of life and they get together. Smut,preferred, if possible. Thank you.” — @dreatine 

NOTE: I had a little conversation with @ssa-m-187 about a post which discussed that trope where Person A caresses Person B’s cheek, and then Person A leans into their touch and holds their arm to keep them there for comfort.. I mentioned that I might add it into one of my requests, and this is where it ended up! 😂❤

I also decided to add an alternate/additional smut ending in case anyone wanted only the fluff. It will be clearly marked when the smut starts if you choose not to read it!

MASTERLIST | 1K MASTERLIST

***

Nothing bad ever happened to her. Spencer wished that was an exaggeration but it wasn't. In all the years he'd known Y/N, she was never kidnapped, no one she loved ever got kidnapped, and she never even got sick. Her moods were always visibly happy, no one had ever seen her with so much as a sprained ankle, and even bad hair days always seemed to escape her grasp.

So naturally, when she got taken by Ben's Believers, it came as no shock that Spencer was losing his mind.

Everyone kept telling him that they'd get her back, and that they all knew what to do, but it didn't stop the sinking feeling that weighed his heart down, far away from the surface where she was safe and waiting for him.

Guess it's safe to say, this whole situation stirred up some feelings he hadn't even known existed.

The first thing that came to his mind, aside from the initial shock of her being gone, was the first moment they met.

Y/N and Ashley Seaver had both been added to the team around the same time, and after losing Emily, the three of them had practically become inseparable. But that first meeting, the very second he laid eyes on her, it was something purely magical.

She was trying to open a jar of pickles in the break room, breathy and aggravated curses spilling from her mouth as if she were a sailor.

"Do you need any help?" Spencer asked, not intending to scare her.

But alas, she jumped, dropping the jar of pickles and causing it to shatter everywhere. "Shit!"

He offered to help clean it up, and she accepted, sighing about how everything she had was going to smell like pickles for at least a week. And once everything was picked up, she grabbed a pickle that had landed on the counter and took a bite, promptly saying, "Well, at least I got it open," with a mouth-full of pickle. "Thanks for scaring me, bud."

It was amusing to say the least.

And every time they'd gone out for food since then, Spencer made sure to order something with a pickle every time, just so he could offer it to her and hear her laugh about that day. Every time, she mirrored that moment, taking a bite and saying, "Thanks, bud."

Of course, back then he hadn't realized he did it because he liked her. He just thought it was nice to see her smile, to hear her laugh. That's what friends did, right? Made each other laugh?

That's what kept him going as they searched high and low for answers to get her back. Her laugh. It was there, replaying on a loop in his brain as if he could ever forget it.

And when he got her back, he vowed to make sure he made her laugh for the rest of time.

When they knew where to find Y/N, Spencer made it his mission to be the one who got her out of there. He wanted to be the one she saw when she was being rescued. He wanted to be the one who made sure she was finally safe again and out of harm's way.

And most importantly he wanted to tell her that he loved her. And he didn't want to spend another day without being next to her.

But first he had to get her out of there.

The second he saw her, it was like everything moved in slow motion. She was strapped to some type of mechanism that kept her hands at her sides and her head facing forward. And despite the fact that she'd never been held hostage, she looked very calm. She looked like exactly what the cult wanted her to be: a sacrifice.

It made Spencer's stomach churn. And it felt even worse when they moved in. Because everyone was getting down, and the cult leader jumped for Y/N, striking to kill.

The gunshot stunned him. He stopped in his tracks, hoping and praying that she wouldn't be hurt, and for one final time before he actually moved, he replayed her laugh in his mind. He briefly held on to the image of Y/N smiling at him without a care in the world before he inevitably saw her face to face for the first time in days, most likely without said smile.

But of course, the second it was safe and he ran to her side, she looked up at him and smiled anyway.

As Emily got the final restraints off of her, Spencer took a huge sigh of relief and welcomed Y/N into his embrace.

"Hey, bud," she breathed into his neck, letting him squeeze her tightly. He could practically feel her smile burning into his skin, tattooing itself there for all the world to see, and he squeezed her tighter, thinking of how he wouldn't have it any other way.

They clung to one another the whole plane ride home, curled up into each other and falling asleep after all the stress they'd been under. And it was no surprise to anyone that they even held hands while they did.

Y/N dreamt of him the entire time.

Specifically, she was remembering the day she almost quit. It would have surprised anyone to know she'd felt that way considering she never let her bad days show. But in those particular few months, she had really missed her family—and Ashley,—the cases were getting more and more stressful, and it all seemed to really take a toll on her emotionally.

But that one fateful day, she walked into the round table room, expecting to find no one since she always showed up early, and instead she found Spencer with a large wicker basket.

"What are you doing here so early?" Y/N asked, raising an eyebrow.

He smiled shyly. "Oh, um... I know your birthday was last week, and I feel bad I missed it since I was visiting my mom, so... I wanted to celebrate with you when we had a little bit of time."

He handed her the basket, and she marveled at all its contents, ranging from a few of her favorite books in different copies she hadn't owned, an array of her favorite candies, and most exciting, a jar of pickles.

"Oh, before you break the jar, I have something else for you," he said with a small laugh, pulling something out of his jacket pocket. "I've read that these are good for helping you open jars, and I even got myself one because we all know you're way stronger than me, so if you can't open a jar of pickles, I probably couldn't either..."

She would never know this, but in that moment he was kicking himself for being so awkward, even though the two of them had been friends for years. And he'd never know, but she hadn't even recognized it as awkward. She was incredibly thankful and endeared by his thinking of her, and it was the one thing that made her realize she could never quit her job.

She loved him too much too leave.

So she didn't. That morning she'd been planning on telling everyone her plans to find another job somewhere else, maybe closer to her family, and that night she walked out of the office feeling loved and thankful for her friends, and one friend in particular.

Currently, said friend was sitting quietly in the parking lot of her apartment while she dug up the courage to ask him inside for the night. Her plans consisted of sleeping in for as long as she needed thanks to a well-deserved few days off of work, and though Spencer would most likely return earlier, she desperately hoped she could convince him to stay.

It was quiet for a while and the lights in the car had long since turned off, leaving them in darkness as well as silence. Despite that fact, it wasn't eerie in the slightest... It was comfortable.

Even more so when Y/N reached over and grabbed his hand.

And then she spoke.

"Can... Can you stay? I'm fine, I promise, I just... I could really use some company, you know?"

"Of course," he answered almost too quickly. It made her laugh, and though it was small, he felt a weight lift off his chest at the sound.

The two of them walked up to her apartment in more of that comfortable, dark silence. The only light source to be found was within the dim lights of the hallway, though they'd made the walk so many times it was like second nature.

That familiarity followed them through her doorway, Y/N taking off her jacket and instinctively handing it over with her to-go bag, where Spencer's arms were already outstretched. He took them and removed his shoes, then transported their belongings to the chair in the corner of her living room, maybe five or six steps ahead from the entryway.

Y/N took a large breath and smiled as she flipped on the lights.

Spencer noticed, turning to her with a smile of his own. "Good to be home?"

"Mhm," she responded with a nod. "But you know what would make it even better?"

The knowing smile they shared brought warmth to her chest as he made his way to the kitchen, saying, "Peppermint hot chocolate, coming right up."

As her best friend made noise in the kitchen, Y/N padded over to her couch, flipping on the table lamp next to it and sitting down with an over-exaggerated humph. Her legs curled off to the side as she leaned against the armrest, taking a deep breath and breathing in the warm comfort of home, only amplified a little while later by the aroma of soft peppermint.

She could hear Spencer humming quietly to himself in the kitchen, the sound bringing a smile to her face. He always absentmindedly hummed her favorite song when he was making them food or something to drink, or even when they were just hanging out together in comfortable silence. She wondered often if he ever sang it to himself when he was alone.

And she was going to ask, but before she got the chance, he came up behind her with two mugs of hot chocolate. She took hers gladly with a smile that perfectly matched the warmth of the mug. And while she took the first sip as he walked around the couch and took his regular spot on the cushion next to hers, that warmth spread to her chest. She sunk into the couch as her eyes fluttered closed.

Beside her she could hear Spencer laugh. "That good, huh?"

"You're an expert hot chocolate maker, don't let anyone tell you any different."

Another laugh came from him, and the sound bought warmth to other places.

They sipped their hot chocolate together, once again basked in silence that was only disrupted by the distinct ticking of Y/N's cuckoo clock, a Christmas gift from Spencer one year after she'd mentioned how much she was oddly fascinated by them. It sat on the wall across from them, next to the TV and right above a DVD rack with her favorite movies. She stared at the clock fondly as she drank her way through the hot chocolate, and Spencer did the same.

Eventually they were out, and once their mugs were placed on either side table, they found themselves turning to each other with more of that second nature pulling them together like the moon pulling the ocean. Once their knees touched it was like the ocean dragged them under, only rather than suffocating, they found themselves breathing easier, like they were finally at peace.

The clock rung out, and only after it finished echoing did Spencer initiate conversation. He examined the bruise right under her eye, and once again the gravitational pull was too much, his hand reaching out to touch it with curiosity as well as concern. "Are you feeling alright? Do you need some ice or anything?" he asked softly.

Y/N felt her heart stutter at the featherlight touch of his fingertips, and despite herself, she blushed. "No, I'm okay. Better now that I'm home. With you."

His eyes flicked up to meet hers at her words, and the softness and genuine relief he found in them made him melt.

He moved to take his hand away, but Y/N reached up and gently grabbed his wrist, bringing it back to her face pacing his palm firmly against the whole surface of her cheek. He watched lovingly as she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand further, bringing her hand to wrap around his forearm and hold him there. And in that moment, he had to wonder if she could hear the loud, intense beating of his heart as it drowned out the clock's ticking.

"I... I was so scared," Y/N whispered, keeping her eyes closed. "I mean... In the back of my mind I knew you guys would come for me, but... That was... my first time ever being in a hostage situation by myself, let alone at all, and I..." She paused, stumbling on her words before exhaling a breathy laugh. "Those people were creepy."

Spencer laughed with her, his hand still resting on her face. When she finally did open her eyes again, she looked up at him through her eyelashes, and in that moment she looked so soft and vulnerable that he couldn't help but finally tell the truth.

In a whisper so soft she almost didn't hear it, he confessed, "I was so afraid that I lost you..."

"Yeah, but... You found me," she returned with a smile as she nuzzled into his hand further. "You always do."

Something in the way she said it made him bolder, and he realized then that that's what she always did.

She strengthened him, made him more bold and determined... And she gave him something to hold onto when he was lost. When things felt impossible, Y/N always said the one thing that put him back together and made him feel whole again, whether it was a few sentences, or in this case three little words: "You always do."

Completing him was her second nature, something he wasn't even sure she was aware of.

But now that he knew, he had to tell her.

"Y/n..." Spencer traced his thumb along the underside of her bottom lip, and he could have swore he felt her sigh out. He stayed paused, reveling in the way he seemed to have an effect on her, his thumb longing to slide further and trace her entire mouth.

Nevertheless, he continued. "You are... Everything to me. And I don't tell you very often how much your friendship means to me, but I... I can't keep going forward without you knowing just how much I care about you. Really, it..." He huffed a laugh, hoping he wasn't making an utter fool of himself and that she wouldn't push him away at this confession that was dying to escape. "It's embarrassing how much I love you."

He couldn't tell if it was exhaustion taking hold of him, or the relief he felt at finally getting that off his chest, but he held his breath as he studied her eyes, which were glassy like she was on the verge of tears. Her grip around his forearm tightened and she turned, kissing the inside of his palm and keeping her lips pressed there for what felt like forever, until he started to feel his skin go numb. Realistically he knew it was only a trick on the brain, how such a simple affectionate gesture like that had the most heart-swelling and mind-numbing effects on him because of how much he loved her.

But damn it, he didn't care.

She murmured his name into his palm, and her eyes flicked up to meet his again. That's when he noticed a tear fall from her eye and down her cheek, right into the side of his thumb.

Finally, she responded, "I love you, too, Spencer. I... I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to tell you, but... After what just happened, I don't know if I could ever spend another day without loving you."

His heart absolutely burst at the seams, warmer than before, and most certainly not from the hot chocolate. That warmth only spread, turning into a raging wildfire when she let go of his hand and moved forward, practically tackling him and wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him and pressing her face to the crook of his neck. His arms wrapped around her back, hugging her close as she straddled him and continued to nuzzle into his skin, his presence...

They held each other like that for a good minute before Y/N finally gained the courage to pull back and look into his eyes. They were just as glassy as hers, just as filled with love and comfort and home as she could ever have dreamed. Her hands slid down to rest on his shoulders for a moment before one of them cradled his face.

And then she kissed him.

She knew he loved her, he told her as much, but in case this was already going too far, Y/N kept it light and hesitant, desperately hoping it wouldn't make things weird.

But of course, there was nothing to worry about. And Spencer showed her that as his lips pressed deeper into hers, his hands on her back pushing her closer to him and seeking as much contact as possible.

She brought both of her hands to gently run through his hair, and at the sigh he let out against her mouth, Y/N tugged harder, pulling herself up so she could get into a better, more comfortable position on his lap.

They shared peppermint hot chocolate kisses until the clock rung out again, both of them pulling away with a little surprise.

"Has it really been an hour since it last went off?" Y/N mused in a whisper, taking in the swollen state of Spencer's mouth. The sight sent a course of butterflies through her stomach.

"I guess it has... It's um... It's late, maybe we should get some sleep."

"Only if you come with me," Y/N offered, running her fingers through his hair once more.

Spencer nodded with a small smile, his thumb tracing the bottom of her chin. "Of course."

They pulled themselves off the couch and, hand-in-hand, navigated their way to her bedroom. And even though they'd never actually done it before, sleeping in her bedroom together, the whole journey was so familiar it was like they'd done it a million times over.

SMUT ENDING BELOW

Y/N didn't know what time it was, only that the sun was brightly peeking through her sheer curtains, basking her bedroom in a warm glow that made it almost impossible to be comfortable under the covers. When she moved to take them off of her, she felt a hand snake around her waist, pressing firmly against her lower stomach and holding her in place.

"Are you awake?" she asked aloud to the air, softly in case Spencer was, in fact, still asleep.

"Mhm," he mumbled behind her, his breath softly fanning out across her shoulder. "Have been for about an hour."

"You could have woke me up," she said, turning around to face him. His hand lifted and then settled on her shoulder when she was in position.

"You deserved the rest," is all he offered in explanation as his hand gently brushed the hair from her shoulder. It tickled as it fell behind her, dropping off her body and across the back of her neck. Spencer trailed his fingers lightly up her neck until they reached her ear, and then he trailed them back down and over the curve of her shoulder, and then down her arm. He continued this and smiled as he took notice of the goosebumps that formed all over her skin. The thin tank top she'd changed into before bed left most of her exposed, each little freckle and hair that adorned her skin on display in the warm sunlight.

Meanwhile she smiled, heat slowly rising to her cheeks as she recalled their kisses on the couch. Needless to say, her dreams that night were rather scandalous, something she wasn't unfamiliar with, though given these new circumstances she was more than a little hot right now.

Spencer noticed, his hand halting its movement on her skin and resting itself on her waist over the blanket. "You're thinking about it, too? Last night?"

Y/N looked him in the eye and swore she saw them dilate when she responded. "Yeah. Among other things..."

"What... kind of other things?"

She would have told him, but since it was obvious they were both feeling the heat she bit her lip instead, a teasing look in her eye. "You're a smart man. You tell me."

"What if I... show you instead?" he whispered, his voice broken and obviously a little shocked that this was finally going to happen.

"Take it away, Doc."

His first kiss was sweet, reminiscent of the first one they shared on the couch, and his second was a little deeper. Y/N gave her stamp of approval by sighing, bringing a hand up to play with his hair again, and it was the trigger that shot him forward, his lips working hers with more passionate, methodical precision. Meanwhile his hand dipped under the covers and pressed firmly at her back, slipping under her shirt and bringing her closer.

She wrapped her leg over his waist, pulling herself forward to get as much contact as she could while he swiped over her bottom lip with his tongue. The small whimper she let out at his kisses made his hips buck forward involuntarily, to which Y/N clenched her leg tighter around his waist and tugged a little harder at his hair.

He tipped them over then, rolling so that he was hovering over her while their kisses only grew needier. His hand slipped under her shirt, feeling the expanse of her stomach and her sides. The low hum that came from her throat at his touches drove him half wild, so he boldened them, slowly sliding up and up until he reached her bare breasts. Her legs came out immediately and hooked themselves around the back of his thighs as she whined at his touch.

With curious kneads of her chest and even more exploratory kisses that were reciprocated with an equal hunger and passion, it didn't take long for Spencer to feel his insides churn with a desire that could possibly never be satiated. Even if Y/N was the one who kept him whole, he also knew she would be the one to completely wreck him to pieces. He'd rarely ever felt this type of desire before, especially not towards someone who took up every crack and crevice of his mind at any given moment. And now that he had it, he never wanted to let it go. She was going to utterly ruin him, and he'd never been more welcoming to that type of damnation—the type that was also his salvation.

Because she was everything all at once, devastatingly beautiful in every imaginable way.

Her hands tugged at his tee shirt, punctuating her urgency with a needy little whine into his mouth. He pulled back then, tugging off his shirt at the expense of taking his hands away from her. But from his higher position now, he took her in in all her wild glory, lips swollen and a little red, hair splayed out across the pillows, and her breathing visibly heavy. Even with the bruise under her eyes, she was the most breathtaking person he'd ever seen. She marveled up at him, willing her gaze to trail down his chest and stomach, her bottom lip tucking itself gently between her teeth as she stared at where his sweatpants hung low on his hips.

Y/N reached out and grazed her middle finger across the waistband of his pants, gently feeling the fabric and his skin at the same time. He was still, continuing to watch her explore his body the way he'd done hers, always amazed at the curious look in her eye— the one that was now swimming in a pool of lust. Her hand trailed upwards, feeling the soft planes of his torso until she couldn't reach any higher.

"Having fun?" Spencer mused with a smile as she rested both her hands on either side of his waist.

She sat up then, pressing a kiss to his neck while her hands travelled south, under the waistband of his pants. He sucked in a breath as she palmed him through his underwear, gently nipping his shoulder before she answered. "Oh, I'm having so much fun."

He was going to say something, but words escaped him as she sat up on her knees and continued tracing the outline of his dick through his underwear. He was painfully hard in an instant, a fact at which Y/N gave a low, amused laugh. Once she found the underside of his tip, she gently rubbed it through the fabric with her thumb, and the broken whine that he let out delighted her in every way. Her tongue traced his collarbone and the contours of his shoulders and neck until she reached his jawline. She licked him there too, humming as her thumb worked faster at his dick.

"Mmm, I've wanted this for so long," she told him softly, bringing her lips up to his ear. "Do you know how many times I've thought about us? Dreamed about us?"

"Not as many as me, probably," he choked out with a small laugh, audibly trying to keep it together as his stomach burned with every languid stroke of her thumb over his most sensitive point.

Y/N returned his laugh and sensually kissed his jaw before saying, "I doubt that." Then she dragged her mouth up to his lips and brought her hand out of his pants so she could thread all her fingers through his hair. Though they were kneeling, he was still taller than her, so his hard erection pressed firmly against her stomach as he brought her closer, gripping her hips and melting into her.

When his right hand slipped into her sleep shorts, she whined out and pressed herself harder against him, reveling in the way the heat from his hand practically burned into her ass. He kneaded her there as well, groaning into her mouth when she tugged on his hair and turned her head to deepen their kiss.

It was obvious that she was trying to feel some type of friction— her knees were willing her to get up higher, to feel him hard against her, but alas she wasn't able to reach. She showed her frustration by whining into his mouth and trying to pull herself up, the pressure of her arms around his neck getting stronger with every passing second.

"Spencer pulled away laughing a little, removing his hand from her shorts and bringing it to the front, dragging along the inside of her thigh. "Is there something you want from me, pretty girl?"

The nickname sent a fire through her veins that set off every smoke detector in her brain, the alarm coming out in the form of a whimper. "I want to feel you inside me," she whispered, nuzzling her nose to his and reaching down to guide his hand farther up. When his middle finger breached the fabric of her shorts, she whimpered again, willing herself closer to him. "Please, Spencer."

He hummed lowly, drawing circles into her skin. "Are you prepared? Like, do you... have condoms or anything, do we need one?"

"I have some in my top drawer if you want me to get it," she said quickly with a nod.

He laughed a little, amused at her eagerness, before pulling away from her and helping her off the bed. Once she was feet-first on the ground, she strode over to the dresser where she opened a small drawer on the top left and rummaged through it. Meanwhile Spencer followed her and came up behind her, pressing his front to her backside and making her tense. He brushed her hair aside and brought his lips to her neck, his hands resting at her waist.

She slowly rolled her hips against him, sighing out when his hands gripped her tighter. One of them slipped down into her shorts again, this time coming around front and resting over her clothed pussy. His fingers explored her like hers had explored him, teasing her in the same way that made her want to burst into flames.

"So wet already, pretty girl..." he mused, sighing and attacking her neck with more kisses. "I bet I'll be able to just slide right in..."

She outwardly moaned this time, clutching a condom in her hand and then slamming the drawer shut. "Alright then, Mr. PhD, why don't you put that theory to the test?"

He loved how eager she was, and a little impatient. Something told him that if he teased her enough, she might have just begged him for anything. But he didn't want to do that right now. No, right now he was planning on showing the love of his life just how much she meant to him. He was going to give her everything he had, and then some.

So he turned her around and kissed her, walking them backwards until his legs hit the foot of the bed. He almost went down, but before he could, he turned them around again. Y/N's body hit the bed, her legs immediately opening for him to stand between them. Rather than leaning down to kiss her again though, Spencer ran his hands tugged lightly at her shorts, to which Y/N gladly lifted her hips and allowed him to pull them off. Her underwear weren't too far behind, and then she lifted her shirt over her head, tossing it aside and leaning back on her elbows.

Seeing her fully bare like this was enough to drive him mad, but he held on, spreading her knees apart and sliding his hands along the insides of her thighs. "Y/N, you're perfect..." As he marveled at her and showered her with love and praise, he slid his hands further and further up her body until they reached her arms.

She helped him remove his pants and underwear, and once they were off, Y/N tore open the condom and handed it to him. He rolled it on and then leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead. Then her temple, then her cheek... Then he pressed the softest kiss to her lips and looked her in the eyes. "You really want to?"

She smiled at him and nodded, bringing one of his hands to her entrance and pressing his fingers to the wetness that pooled there. "You feel how bad I want it?"

He groaned and kissed her then, circling his middle finger over her clit and making her cry out against him. After a few more seconds of this, Spencer positioned them at the head of the bed and angled his hips forward, the head of his dick coming in contact with her pussy.

He slid in slowly, reveling in every pure, blissful second that went by as he gradually became completely enveloped in her. Once he was buried to the hilt, Y/N threw her head back and bit her lip, her hands reaching out to play with his hair again. He ground himself into her for a few seconds before pulling back and then starting a slow, steady rhythm.

"God, Y/N, you feel so good... So... perfect for me."

"Funny, I was just going to say the same thing about you," she breathed. Her eyes trained themselves on his, and though there was a lot of love there, she saw something else that she recognized, something hesitant. It was close to the same look he gave her last night, after she'd explained to him that she was fine after he examined her injury.

He was going easy on her. But she wanted more.

Y/N reached up to tug his hair gently, biting her lip and batting her eyes. "I'm not made of glass you know... You can fuck me harder if you want to."

Everything from the look on her face to the way she said it to the way she clenched around him as she did made him half feral. He smirked at her without thinking, a natural reaction to her challenge. "Oh, you like it a little rough, huh?"

She smirked back at him and nodded, tugging his hair harder. "Uh huh."

Though he started fucking into her harder, his pace remained slow,  accentuating each rough thrust with a huff through his nose. Y/N's mouth opened involuntarily, the power of his movements rendering her almost speechless. Eventually though, she let out one large moan as her fingers even further tightened their grip in Spencer's hair.

Taking note of her reactions, he felt pleased with himself. "You like that, don't you, pretty girl? You like it hard and deep..."

Her hands dropped from his head and rested at the sheets, gripping them instead as he worked his hips a little faster. "Y—yes, baby, I fucking love how hard you fuck me."

The words tumbled out of their mouths so easily, each syllable spoken with the right amount of lust and truth, it was like their conversation was a dance. Their bodies and their words melded together in a perfect number that brought them further towards the climax.

But, as every dance does, their needed a little flourish.

Spencer reached out and caressed her cheek again, his thumb going straight to her lips. Y/N opened her mouth and sucked it in, swirling her tongue around it and groaning at the way he bit his lip when she did so.

"Fuck, pretty girl, you're gonna ruin me if you keep that up."

She smiled at his words, which allowed him to press his thumb flat down onto her tongue. Her mouth remained open as he held it there, her pants and moans coming out clear as day. And as if that wasn't hot enough, she batted her eyelashes up at him, and he fucked her even faster, both of them starting to feel the signs of impending orgasm.

He could have kept his thumb in her mouth forever, but to aid her in pleasure, he removed it, dragging it down her chin before bringing it to her clit and rubbing in tight circles.

"Fuck, Spence, that's it," Y/N moaned, looking down between their bodies and almost losing it at the sight that beheld her. "Don't stop, don't fucking stop!"

He leaned forward to kiss her then, the new angle finally bringing her over the edge. She cried out into his mouth as it explored her own, soaking up all the sounds she made and using them to fuel his own release.

They came together, and it felt  like years of tension and anticipation and love finally culminated into one giant explosion that enveloped them whole. It felt like, for a moment, nothing else in the world existed, only Spencer, Y/N, and their palpable connection that felt very much like a home in and of itself.

Even as they came down, their breathing slowing down and their touches becoming gentler, that explosion quieted right alongside them, an echo of love and warmth lingering in its wake.

Spencer pulled out and laid beside her, reaching out and gently touching the bruise under her eye. "You okay?"

She couldn't help but laugh. "Yes. I'm more than okay... I'm perfect."

He smiled at her, pure, true comfort settling in his bones. It was a rare feeling, but he was glad that it came with her presence. "Me, too. And I... I meant what I said last night, Y/N, I... I love you. More than words could accurately describe."

Her heart swelled at his words. "I love you, too, bud. More than anything in the world."

He contemplated for a minute, a smile forming as he said his next words. "More than pickles?"

Y/N threw her head back in a boisterous laugh that made Spencer's heart beat a little faster, before playfully hitting his harm and snuggling up next to him. "Yes, definitely more than pickles."

"Good. That would have been embarrassing."

"I don't love you more than peppermint hot chocolate, though. Or that cuckoo clock."

Spencer pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Yeah, but I got you those things, so technically that means you have to love me at least as much as them..."

"Okay. That's fair, I'll give you that one."

With an over-exaggerated, "Phew," Spencer smiled and pulled her closer, the warm sunlight from the windows giving him the most clear view of their legs tangled together over her lavender-colored comforter. It was so domestic, so perfect and loving and real that he never wanted to forget it.

He was thankful that he never would.

***

PERMANENT TAGLIST: @elldell1204 @muffin-cup @calm-and-doctor @slutforthegubes @s1utformgg @rainsong01 @yourmisosoup @liveloudwriteloud @reidsconverse @la-vie-en-amour1 @edgycowboy666

TAGS NOT WORKING: @emilyprentisslittlewhore @takeyourleap-of-faith

If you would like to be added to the taglist, feel free to message me or leave a comment, and I’ll add you!

[generallybarzy]

If You'll Have Me Forever.

an: this is the little fic i decided to write based on a dream i had. I wrote it all in one day while I was at my grandparent's house with no internet or computer, so i wrote it all in my notebook and then typed it up on here haha.

warnings: unedited, mentions of past emotional trauma and unhealthy families

word count: 1.7k

You always loved spending time with Mat's family. Whenever there was a break in the season, you two quickly found yourselves on a plane out to Vancouver, holding hands in the airplane and in the car on the way to his parent's house.

It had been like this since your first summer with them. Mat had invited you home with him for part of the offseason, and although you'd only been dating almost a year and were still nervous to meet his family, you couldn't say no. His family had welcomed you warmly, in fact, warm may not even be good enough to describe it. His parents smiled as soon as they saw you- saw you holding their son's hand, saw him smile proudly as he finally introduced you to them as his girlfriend.

Then, they hugged you.

You hadn't come from a loving family, not one where you openly told each other "I love you" or "I'm proud of you", and certainly not one that hugged and had family game nights. After much discussion with Mat and with your therapist, you came to the conclusion that your family had been borderline emotionally neglectful, and you saw how your childhood had scarred you. Mat's family was so openly affectionate and loving towards you right off the bat that it overwhelmed you, to the point of you going upstairs and refusing to come down until Mat had a talk with you. He was understanding, gently told them to be a little more reserved, and helped to slowly ease you into their love. And that just made you love him even more.

Now, it was your first holiday season with them. After spending a good chunk of last summer in Vancouver, you were certainly excited to spend a few days of your winter here with them rather than in your empty little apartment. You and Mat had flown out the night before, and arrived early in the morning, grateful that the team had managed a few extra days off this season- just enough days to make a trip worth it. The whole day had been spent talking and laughing and just catching up with his family about the past year- how things were going with your studies, with your job, how Mat’s season was going, and how your relationship was going. Later in the evening, after a long round of some board game they’d pulled from the closet, the jet lag and overwhelming, unfamiliar feeling of familial love caught up to you. So, in the middle of preparing some snacks to munch on during the next round of the game, you faked a phone call and quickly excused yourself to the snowy back patio, slipping into your coat and snow boots on the way and disappearing out the door.

Mat had been keeping a close eye on you all night.

He knew how you got about affection, you were even still a little shy receiving love from him, and the last thing he wanted to do was let him or his family overwhelm you again. He had gone to talk with his dad for five minutes- about a topic that had him immediately searching for you to go hide away and get some much needed alone time- and when he came back to the living room, you weren’t where he left you with his mom and sister.

“Where’s (Y/N)?”

“Oh,” his mom looked up from preparing the food. “She stepped out back to take a phone call.”

“Yeah?” Mat snuck over to the backdoor, squinting out into the snow and spotting your figure, no phone in sight. He slipped on a pair of shoes and grabbed his jacket from next to the door. “I think the jetlag might be stting in. I’ll be right back.”

He stepped out onto the back patio, the snow crunching beneath his fluffy slippers. You didn’t even turn when you heard the door close behind him, and that’s how he knew something was wrong.

“Baby… what are you doing out in the cold?” He came up next to you, curling an arm over your shoulders. “Were they too much? Should I tell them to back off a bit?” Finally, you turned to face him. Your eyes were wet and red, but you had a soft little smile on your face. “Aw, baby.”

“I love them so much, Mat.”

“C’mere.” He pulled you against his chest, rubbing his hands up and down your cold arms. You curled your arms around his waist, snuggling in under his winter jacket. “Babe, you should be wearing something heavier out here. I don’t want you getting sick.” Still, you stayed where you were, tucked into his jacket with him and hiding away from the snow and the world. “I’m glad you love my family so much. I hope you can tell they love you too. And if they’re too much, I’ll tell them, okay?”

“I know.”

“Just let me know. I know how you get uncomfortable when you receive this much love, but I hope you know you deserve it, okay? You’re absolutely amazing.” At his words, you lifted your face from the comfort of his chest, eyes red and face hot, streaked with tears. Snowflakes melted on impact, and Mat’s thumb brushed away the wetness. “Please don’t cry, baby.”

“I’m just… so overwhelmed. In the best way possible, I promise.”

“That’s good.”

“And I’m getting sleepy.”

“Jetlag finally catching up to you?” You nodded, burrowing back into the warmth of his jacket. He smiled, squeezing you against him. “Let’s go to bed, yeah, sweetheart?”

“Nooooo, I just wanna stay like this.”

“Okay, okay.” He smiled and lifted his hands in mock surrender. “We’ll stay out here for a little, but we gotta go in when you get cold.” Mat knew the reason you didn’t want to go back inside yet. One, because you didn’t want to cry in front of his family, but also because after spending the whole day with them, you were starved of sweet, gentle moments like this, alone with Mat. He knew you loved his family, but God, how you loved him. You’d been holding back all your hugs and kisses today, keeping low on the PDA in front of his family, and you’d gotten needy. He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to his parents, saying the two of you were gonna be done for the night and wanted a little alone time, and he knew they’d understand and head to bed. The snow was picking up now, so Mat put his phone back in his pocket and pulled you with him against the wall of the house, your arms tucked under his fuzzy coat and holding tight around his waist, watching the snow fall and enjoying the comforting silence of the world.

“Do you know how much people love you?”

“Mat…” You smiled and hid your face shyly.

“No, do you know? Everyone who meets you falls a little bit in love with you. Everyone. You just have this… this loveable nature to you/ You’re the sweetest, kindest, most amazing person I know.” You didn’t respond, but Mat saw the smile on your face and felt the way your arms squeezed around his torso. “Remember how earlier, I was talking to my dad? You know what he was saying? He said ‘the way you look at (Y/N), that’s how I looked at your mom’. And how he still does.” That got your attention, and you lifted your face to look at him, at the pretty, genuine love in his dark eyes. “Hey, there’s that pretty face!” Your hands slid further up his back, and you perched up on your tiptoes, reaching up for a soft kiss that Mat gladly met you halfway for. “I’m serious when I say I love you, okay?”

“I know.”

“I get that you didn’t have the best relationship with your family, and they weren’t the healthiest, especially when it came to showing these types of emotions, but I’m gonna make sure you get used to it. Cause you’re gonna be in my life for a long, long time.”

“Forever?”

“If you’ll have me forever.”

Everything went silent, save for the soft falling of snow, at that whispered promise. The tears filled your eyes again, just so, so happy that you had someone like Mat in your life, and that he was so understanding and patient with you.

“If you’ll have me forever, my family would be more than happy to call you one of us. You could spend all your birthdays, holidays, and celebrations here, and they’d love you. I’d love you. I do. You’d never feel unloved again, if you’ll have me forever.”

“Mat are... Are you proposing?”

He shook his head quickly. “No. Not yet, not officially. Just take this as a… warning.”

You laughed a little bit. “A warning, Mat?”

“No, ugh… um, how about a promise. Yeah, a promise. A promise that if you’ll have me forever, I’ll do nothing but show you how damn loveable you are. I know I can’t erase the years of pain… God, or the trauma that your family put you through, but I promise you I’m gonna try my hardest. You deserve so much better than what they’d given to you, and I’ll give that to you.” Mat saw the tears in your eyes and swooped down to kiss your cheeks repeatedly. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to make you cry, baby.” He could say so, so much more, but he wanted to take care of you first. “Enough of my sappy rambling, yeah? My toes are freezing. Can we go in?” He saw you glance down at his feet and immediately started giggling.

“Nice slippers, grandpa.”

“They’re cozy.” He grinned, happy to see you smiling again. He had grabbed his dad’s shoes to come out, knowing you found his silly dad-fashion funny. “Now, let’s get to bed, sleepyhead.” He pulled you back into the warm, quiet house and led the way up to his bedroom, happy to finally have some time to just cuddle up under the blankets along with you. But as you fell asleep, tucked safely in his arms with a content, peaceful smile, he could fall asleep along with you. Instead, he lay there, watching you for hours, his thoughts filled with his dad’s words from earlier and quietly, secretly, he was writing long lines of phrases he wanted to say to you, phrases that would one day become part of his proposal.

I promise I’ll keep you safe, I promise I’ll keep you smiling and loved... if you’ll have me forever.

[cellophanejpeg]

‘tis the damn season - part ii

gif by @pcdrospascals​​

Pairing: Frankie Morales x female!reader

Summary: A year after getting back together with Frankie, you get a lovely surprise.

a/n: requested by anon!! i hope you like it!!!

warnings: pregnancy related topics and food mentions

word count: 1.6k

masterlist | part i

...

Frankie opens the door to his house and the smell of dinner immediately reaches his nose. He smiles as his daughter runs to his encounter, a Wonder Woman tiara hanging from her head.

“Daddy, come!” She takes his hand and starts pulling him towards the kitchen, “Mommy, he's here! Dad's home!”

You're finishing setting the table when Isabella barges her way to the kitchen, pulling Frankie by the hand.

“Can we have the cookies now?” She asks, lacing her fingers together to beg you.

“How about after dinner?” You suggest, as you walk to Frankie and give him a kiss on the lips. He frowns confused at you as Isabella whines and slumps her shoulders.

“But you said when daddy came home…”

“I know, honey, but if you eat them now, you're going to ruin your appetite,” you tell her as you kneel to be on her height, “Remember what I told you what we need nutrients for?”

“To grow big and strong!” She exclaims, trying to flex her muscles, “Like Wonder Woman!”

“Exactly!” You exclaim back and look at Frankie whose adoring eyes are watching you. But as soon as his eyes leave yours, he looks back at his surroundings, eyeing the kitchen with a frown on his face. The counter is filled with batches of your famous sugar cookies, some already decorated, some fresh out of the oven. Some are even missing from the trays.

“Christmas cookies?” He asks you, “In January?

You just sigh, snaking your arms through his shoulders and wrapping them around his neck, “I may have gone overboard, but I wanted to make tonight special.”

“Why?” He smiles at you as you press your body against his.

Shrugging, you let go of him, being as cryptic as you can, “You’ll see.”

The three of you sit down for dinner, Isabella tells about her day in school with excitement and Frankie indulges in the conversation, encouraging her to keep talking as they eat.

“Do you want to try the tomato today?” You ask her, stabbing a slice of tomato with your fork and showing it to her. The little girl pouts and shakes her head.

“I don’t like tomato,” she says matter of factly.

“I know, but… Just one slice?” You insist, “Look, daddy’s eating too!”

Isabella looks at Frankie who’s watching the scene unfold as he nods, showing her the tomatoes on his plate. She seems to think for a moment and then caves in, allowing you to slip a slice of tomato on her plate.

Before you came back to his life, Frankie couldn’t manage his time right. Isabella would stay with a babysitter after school and even then she wouldn’t eat a proper dinner, contenting herself with frozen food every night. When you moved in with them, you started cooking healthy meals and teaching her how to eat healthier. Frankie’s heart warms at the thought, both him and Bella were lost before you. You’re such a great mom to her, it makes him love you even more.

After dinner, Frankie helps you clear the table, putting the dirty plates in the sink and moving to wash them. Your hands come to hold his as soon as he turns the faucet on, making him look at you, confused.

“We have a surprise for you,” you say with a soft voice, turning the faucet off and gently pulling him back to the dinner table. On top of it, there's a package, wrapped up in Christmas wrapping paper.

“Is it my birthday?” He jokes, sitting back down on his seat.

“Well, consider this a late Christmas gift.” You sit beside him as Isabella runs to sit on your lap, sugar cookies already in hands, “Read the card first.”

Frankie chuckles as he takes the card from the top of the box and opens it to read it.

'Tis not the damn season anymore, but Santa has one more present for you.

He smiles, biting his lower lip as he tears the wrapping paper and opens the box without ceremony. Inside, he sees some of your cookies on top of the paper strips that fill the empty space on the box and under all that, there's something wrapped in tissue paper. Frankie takes the plastic stick and unwraps it.

Then, the smile drops from his face. He looks at you with wide eyes and finds you smiling expectantly at him.

“Does this mean–” He chokes out, feeling tears watering his eyes, “You're–” He shows you the pregnancy test with two blue lines on it.

“Yes,” you tell him before he can't finish, “Yes, Frankie, I'm pregnant.”

Frankie lets out a sob, letting the tears roll down his cheeks as he covers his face with his hands. You grab his shoulder with a hand, rubbing your thumb on the fabric of his shirt.

“Daddy?” Isabella's worried voice reaches both of your ears, “What's wrong?”

“Nothing–” He tries to speak, “I’m just–”

“Daddy is just too happy,” you explain, looking at her, “he can't contain himself.”

“Why?”

“Because, peanut,” Frankie chimes in leaning to press his lips on her forehead, “you're going to be a big sister!”

Isabella gasps, her little eyes widening, “What?! Really?!”

You laugh as Frankie gives you a kiss on the lips; you taste the salty tears on his lips, and he stands you evolve his girls in a tight hug.

“Really, honey,” he says, after letting you both go, and taking Bella in his arms, “aren’t you excited?”

“Yes, I am!” She nearly screams, making you both laugh.

Bed time seemed impossible tonight. The excitement and the sugar in Isabella’s system make her stay awake past her usual bedtime and, even when sleep finally hits her, she tries to fight it, playing with her toys until almost midnight. Thankfully, tomorrow is a Saturday and you hope she’ll sleep in for once.

With a sigh, you lay on the bed, beside Frankie after a long night of celebrating. You both stare at the ceiling in silence for a moment, smiles on your faces, hearts beating strongly. When you took the pregnancy test and found out it was positive, you were scared for a moment. You and Frankie have been engaged for three months only and you were afraid he’d freak out with the news. But his reaction made everything better.

And it’s not like it’s too soon to have a baby. You and Frankie might have been separated for ten years, but, deep down, you’ve always known you were meant to be together. You were meant to have a family.

“How do you feel?” He asks, taking your hand in his.

“Excited.” You smile, rolling your head to face him, “How do you feel? Knowing you’ll be a dad of two now?”

“Scared.” He admits with a laugh. You squeeze his hand, lacing your fingers together and bringing it to your lips.

“You’re gonna do great, Frankie. You raised Isabella on your own and she turned out great.” You assure him.

“Yeah, but it’s different now.” His voice is soft, “You’re here now.”

Your heart clutches as you remember what you’ve heard about Isabella’s mom. While you’ve never deeply talked about it with Frankie, you know he’s sensitive about the subject. So you try to change the subject.

“Do you think I’ll be a good mom?” you say quietly, in the dark.

Frankie rolls over to face you, “You’re already a good mom.” He reminds you, “You’re a great mom, what are you talking about?”

When you moved into Morales’ house, Isabella ended up becoming your daughter and you were surprisingly okay with it. You've loved that girl pretty much ever since you met her, she's caring and funny just like her dad. How could you not love a piece of Frankie?

“She told me she loved me today.” Your voice is even quieter than before as you roll to your side to look at him. His eyes widen and his smile grows wider, “When I found out I was pregnant, I started crying and she came to my rescue.” You smile at the memory, “She said, ‘Mommy, don't cry, I love you.’”

Frankie laughs softly and hooks an arm behind your lower back, pulling you against his chest. His lips touch your forehead as you bury your face on his neck, inhaling his scent deeply. You'll never get sick of it, of him. You couldn't be more grateful that you decided to stay.

“I'll never leave you, Francisco,” you tell him, all of a sudden. Your voice is muffled by the skin of his neck, but he feels the vibration of it on him. His heart leaps, beating fast with affection and adoration, “I'll never leave you or Bella or the baby, okay?”

Oh.

He wasn't thinking about it, he really wasn't. The way Isabella's mother abandoned her, leaving Frankie with a fresh new baby to care all by himself was awful. He felt lost, betrayed, heartbroken. But he healed. He raised Bella to be a wonderful kid and he did his best to make sure she knew she was loved. And then you came into his life again and everything became even better. He knows you, he knows you're not going to leave him again. That's how much he trusts you.

“Okay,” he eventually answers, pressing a kiss on your hair and rubbing your back gently, “I love you so much, mi vida.”

“I love you too, mi alma.”

Eventually, both of your breathings even out as you fall asleep in each other's arms, like it was always meant to be.

...

please, fill this form if you want to be tagged in any of my stuff!!

general taglist: @huliabitch @mistermiraclee @gooddaykate @forever-rogue @bestintheparsec @hiscyarika @haildoodles-writing @aerynwrites @xserenax-13 @hayley-the-comet @manuphantom @giselatropicana @wonderfulfluffer @justanotherblonde23 @hereforthesunrise @mitchi-c @crossfitjesusinblackskinnyjeans @marvgrrl @nominbalnebula @theocatkov @opheliaelysia @buckysalefty @din-damn-djarin @the-wishmonger @spacenerdpascal @adikaofmandalore @goldafterglow @phoenixhalliwell @heythere80sbaby @petersunderoos96 @dinsbeskar @aerolanya @artsymaddie @rebelliouscat @lou-la-lou @notabotiswear @tatiadventures @aerolanya

Frankie taglist: @murdermewithbooks  @kingpascals  @jedi-mando   @azem-thefourteenth @cyaredindjarin @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol @mrsparknuts @autumnleaves1991-blog @astroboots @hugmekenobi @rosiefridayrogersunday @computeringturtle @amethystlily @emzd34 @thedevilwearsbeskar @littlebopper96 @sarahjkl82-blog  @kennedywxlsh

[holidaywishes]

Dusk Till Dawn

  Requested: 👍

  Summary/Request: 22 of the music prompts with Matthew Tkachuk please? “but you’ll never be alone / i’ll be with you from dusk till dawn” (dusk till dawn, zayn & sia) for @chuckythepest

  Warning: fluff, maybe some angst, soft smut (I’ll be honest, I changed my mind about having a bit of smut in here or not and it’s not much but it’s there, so...)

  Author’s Note: I’m sorry it’s taken me a little bit longer to write but hopefully it gives you what you’re looking for. I’ve never listened to this song so much in my life; I had it playing on repeat as I wrote this so I could really get a feel of what to write. My friend is a huge Matthew Tkachuk fan, really a huge Flames fan in general, but I have to admit I had to watch a lot of interviews to get a feel for the guy. I also wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be an angsty fic or a fluffy one because the song kinda has both vibes so honestly, it’ll be an adventure for the both of us. If you enjoyed this one, here’s the entire list of prompts. Feel free to send your requests through! Stay Golden, loves <3! 

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

  You had been on a vacation with a few of your friends in Cancun for about a week when you got the news that everything was going into lockdown

  “What does this mean?” your friend, Beth, asked as she paced around the hotel room

  “It means that everyone has to stay inside for a bit” you said

  “No, what does that mean for us?” she asked again

  “I guess it means that we have to isolate when we get home” another of your friends, Jenna, replied as she dropped onto the bed

  “I wouldn’t have left if I knew we were gonna come back to a total nationwide, international lockdown!” Melanie, your childhood friend shouted frantically

  “Okay, everyone calm down...” you sighed, “we knew this was a possibility, as much as we might want to say that we didn’t, we knew that we could get home and everything would be shut down”

  “So what do we do?” Beth asked

  “We...” you stammered, not having the answers but trying your best to stay calm, “we listen. We do what we’re told -- isolate, quarantine, get tested, all of it -- and then hopefully it’ll be over soon.” Your words were like a curse because as soon as you got back to St. Louis, the world seemed crazier than it ever was. Months went by and nothing changed. People were still getting sick, still dying, and there were still people who thought it was all a hoax. Birthdays were spent apart, friends stopped making an effort to keep in touch and it made everything feel... cold and sad. The only thing that seemed to make any sense was your friendship with Matthew.

  “What’s up kid?” he texted one day after a particularly hard week and you just about broke down in front of your phone screen

  “I lost my job...” you sent back

  “Ah shit, I’m sorry”

  “It’s fine but thank you”

  “It’s not fine”

  “I mean, no, but it’s not like it’s just me. Half of the world has lost their jobs”

  “That doesn’t mean you have to be all fine about it”

  “Matt, seriously, it’s fine”

  “You say that now and then two days from now you’ll get pissed about someone else getting promoted”

  “I wouldn’t do that”

  “Not on purpose but stress can do things to a person...”

  “I’ll be fine but thank you for caring so much”

  “Anytime!” you smiled at his concern before changing the subject, checking in with his family, asking him about what was going to happen with the season, “I have no idea... everything is still shut down until further notice”

  “I hope things get better by Christmas”

  “At the rate things are going, I don’t think they will”

  “Way to stay positive, Tkachuk” you scoffed to yourself

  “It’s what I do 😜” the conversation didn’t last long after that and you went on a spiral of looking and applying for jobs; everything came crashing down when you’re grandpa got sick and you couldn’t visit him. You called the hospital every day, not wanting your grandpa to be alone, but they wouldn’t let you in, ‘protocols’ they said

  “I don’t know what to do, Matt” you sobbed over the phone

  “Relax,” he tried, “we’ll get you in there”

  “They won’t let me in!” you argued, raising your voice in anger, “he’s dying and they won’t let me see him...”

  “I can make sure you see him.”

xx

Matthew’s P.O.V

  You were trying your best to get (Y/N) into the hospital to see her grandpa but it was taking a lot more effort than you thought

  “Please,” you begged the doctor, “he doesn’t have anyone else. She’s not getting any answers and she just wants to see him, even if it’s to say goodbye”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t break the rules for your girlfriend” the doctor replied

  “No--” you stammered, trying to backtrack, “she’s not my girlfriend. She’s my best friend and she wants to see her grandfather”

  “I can’t break protocols for one person. We’re doing everything we can to keep him healthy and if we invite guests inside, it puts our patients at risk,” the doctor explained, “maybe we can set up a Zoom call”

  “If he dies and she isn’t there, she will blame herself for the rest of her life”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice...” you angrily hung up the phone, throwing it to the side while you thought up a plan before calling (Y/N).

  “The doctor said no...” you said solemnly

  “What?” she whimpered, “Matt, he can’t be alone there. In a hospital, he needs to be with people who love him”

  “They said they have protocols,” you added, “but we can sneak in there...”

  “Sneak into a hospital?” she scoffed, “Matthew, we’re not spies. We can’t sneak into a hospital during a pandemic”

  “Just trust me”

  “What happens if we get caught? If we get in trouble?”

  “We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it”

  “I can’t le--”

  “Just trust me” you interrupted, convincing her that everything would be okay and ending the call. You made your way to the hospital where (Y/N)’s grandpa had been checked into and asked around about how someone could have visitors

  “They’d have to be tested before they came and then retested, temperature checked, when they got here,” a nurse explained, “and then they’d have to sit behind a barrier with a mask on. It wouldn’t be any different than most other places -- we’re following the same guidelines and restrictions, we just have to be 10 times as careful because we have lives at stake”

  “But if a family member did all that, the tests and followed the guidelines, they could come visit?” you asked, feeling like you might be getting close to a solution

  “Hypothetically?” she started, “it’s possible but there would be a time limit. Maybe 10 minutes maximum and even that’s pushing it”

  “I can work with that!” you smiled under your mask and rushed out of the hospital, texting (Y/N) about what needed to be done, the two of you rushing to a testing facility as fast as possible and waited impatiently for the results. When both of your results came back negative, you told her you’d make a call and get her in to see her grandpa; she hugged you tightly before a tear fell from her eye onto your exposed collarbone. “He’s gonna be okay” you whispered

  “Thank you,” she replied, keeping her arms wrapped around your neck, “for doing all this for me”

  “I know how much he means to you” you smiled at her when she finally let go of you, her eyes softening at your words. You and (Y/N) met when your dad was drafted to St. Louis and had been friends ever since, celebrating each others successes as the years went by. Her grandparents raised her after her mom died and her dad took off, she was only six years old; her grandma died two years later so it was (Y/N) and her grandpa against the world. They were inseparable and she would’ve done anything for him -- including letting you sweet talk a group of nurses to get her into a hospital during a global pandemic. You watched as she made her way down the hallway, the lack of visitors and laughter making everything suddenly feel real, she stopped in front of a large glass door clutching onto the coat that she held in her hands as she waited for someone to let her in. A doctor finally let her in but stayed close by, pulling her out after 10 minutes had passed, not a second more, “come on, man,” you begged, “let her have a little bit more time”

  “I can’t” he replied before looking at (Y/N), “I really am sorry.” She nodded at the doctor before looking back toward her grandpa’s room and tucking herself into your side as you made your way out of the hospital. You started to drive her home but after miles of silence, she asked if you could take her to the park where the two of you used to sneak out to

  “Yeah, sure” you agreed, keeping your voice soft and letting her rest her head against the window for the remainder of the ride. When you pulled up in front of the park and parked the car, you looked at (Y/N) noticing a stream of dried tears on her cheeks before she swung open the car door and ran to the swings. She did this every once in a while, tried to ignore her pain and focus on putting a smile on someone else’s face by pretending she was fine. You could always tell that she wasn’t fine but you couldn’t always bring her out of it, “(Y/N)...” you sighed

  “Come on, Matty!” she called, pushing herself on the swing to see how high she could get, “let’s see if you can get higher than me!”

  “(Y/N).. we don’t have to do this. We could just sit and talk if you wanted to...”

  “Why? I wanted to come to the park to play, not to talk,” she challenged, “if I wanted to talk, I would’ve gone home or to your place...” you exhaled as you walked toward the free swing beside her, your eyes following her as they tried to catch a glimpse of her face; trying to gauge whether or not she was crying. She didn’t stay on the swing too much longer, instead choosing to jump onto the Merry Go-Round

  “You’re gonna spin on this now?” you scoffed

  “No,” she answered with a laugh, laying down on the cold metal, “you’re going to spin me and I’m gonna see how long it takes me to get dizzy.. Just like we used to do.” You obliged, letting the sound of her laughter fill the air while the old playground equipment squeaked below her. As you kept spinning her, you noticed that her once happy laughter had been replaced by whimpers and you fought to slow down the Merry Go-Round

  “(Y/N)?” you asked as you rushed to her, “what’s wrong? what happened?”

  “He’s all alone, Matt...” she cried, “you should’ve seen him, he was so weak and I just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay but I don’t think he’s going to be okay...”

  “Shhh,” you tried to calm her sobs, letting her head fall onto your shoulder, “I’m here”

  “I don’t want him to be alone... I don’t want to be alone” she sobbed

  “You’re not alone...” you whispered and she looked up at you, her eyes flooded with tears, “you’ll never be alone...” you could tell by the way she looked at you that she wanted you to kiss her but you couldn’t bring yourself to do anything, fearing that she was too vulnerable and you’d be taking advantage of her. So, you continued to hold her instead, for as long as she needed but when she lifted her head up from your shoulder to look at you once more, she made the first move, pressing her lips onto yours as dusk set in and the two of you were the only sound either of you could hear. Your lips moved in sync with hers as your hands laid firmly on her sides; rolling her onto her back slowly so she didn’t hit her head. Her hands roamed to the top of your zipper, pushing the slider down before you tore it off your body quickly, leaving her lips for just a second to throw the fabric behind you. As much as you wanted this to happen, you were still being careful and she could feel your hesitation

  “What’s wrong?” she asked

  “Nothing,” you lied, “I just want to make sure you’re okay with this. That you’re not just doing this because you’re upset...”

  “I know what I’m doing, Matt” she smiled.

xx

  When Matt started to drive you home, you asked him to redirect you to the park the two of you used to go as kids; so you could feel a little less like the world was falling apart

  “Yeah, sure” he said softly before your head fell against the window as you waited for him to pull up to the park. You had managed to keep your crying quiet enough that, when he saw you, Matt was surprised to see the stream of tears on your cheeks. You pressed your lips together before you rushed out of the car toward the old swing set, jumping on and trying to get as high off the ground as possible

  “(Y/N)...” Matt sighed and the tone of his voice was all too familiar so you ignored it

  “Come on, Matty!” you laughed when you called to him, “let’s see if you can get higher than me!”

  “(Y/N).. we don’t have to do this. We could just sit and talk if you wanted to...” he tried but you shook your head. You just wanted to forget what you’d just seen, forget about what was happening, forget that you might have to be alone again and you really didn’t want to be alone again

  “Why?” you urged, “I wanted to come to the park to play not to talk. If I wanted to talk I would’ve gone home or to your place...” he finally walked to the swing next to you and began pumping his legs to meet your height before you could feel him watching you, leading you to hop off the swing and head to the next piece of equipment from your childhood; the Merry Go-Round.

  “You’re gonna spin on this now?” Matt scoffed as he followed you to the metal death trap that you climbed on

  “No,” you replied, chuckling at his question before lying down, your exposed skin meeting the cold metal below you, “you’re going to spin me and I’m gonna see how long it takes me to get dizzy.. Just like we used to do.” He compressed his lips and did as you asked, spinning you quickly and you laughed as you got increasingly dizzy with every turn before your grandpa’s face popped into your head; tears overcoming you as whimpers left your lips. Matt quickly dug his feet into the ground to stop the Merry Go-Round

  “(Y/N)? What’s wrong?” he rushed to you, pulling you close to him, “what happened?”

  “He’s all alone, Matt,” you cried as you remembered your grandpa in the hospital. He was all you had and the idea of him not being with you terrified you, “you should’ve seen him, he was so weak and I just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay but I don’t think he’s going to be okay...” you shook your head frantically at the thought

  “Shhh..” he hushed you, letting your head fall on his shoulder, “I’m here”

  “I don’t want him to be alone... I don’t want to be alone” you sobbed

  “You’re not alone,” he whispered and you felt his body move closer to yours, just to close the space between you, your eyes continuing to brim with tears, “you’ll never be alone.” Whether it was your fear of being alone, of losing the only person who had ever loved you, or if you just wanted to be close to someone, anybody, you looked up at Matt with soft eyes, hoping he’d make a move. But he didn’t. He just held you and, as nice as it was, it wasn’t what you wanted. You lifted your head once more, this time moving your lips closer to his as the sky filled with the dark hues of dusk, his breath brushing across your skin before your lips connected with his. He pressed his hand against your waist as he kissed you slowly, your lips parting just enough for his tongue to inch into your mouth before he shifted his body to lay your back onto the Merry Go-Round, holding your head with his free hand so you didn’t hurt yourself. Your hands found their way to the zipper of his hoodie, sliding it down and pushing the fabric from his arms and he left the kiss just for a second to easily throw away his hoodie, leaning back over you while you waited for him to continue kissing you but he pulled away

  “What’s wrong?” you asked, sitting up as he did and you leaned against his back

  “Nothing...” he said but you could tell he was lying, “I just want to make sure you’re okay with this. That you’re not just doing this because you’re upset...” 

  “I know what I’m doing, Matt” you scoffed and he turned his head back to you

  “I know you do,” he smiled, kissing your nose playfully, “I just want you to know that you don’t have to”

  “I want to” you replied, placing your hand on the side of his face to bring him closer to you, pressing your lips against his and twisting his body back on top of yours. You melted into each other, your breathing in sync as you undid the button of his jeans, setting him free before his hands drifted to push your leggings down. His lips trailed to your neck as he pushed himself into you, eliciting a quiet moan from you and a growl from him when you dug your nails into his skin. You tried not to make too much noise, worrying that the park was still too close to the neighbouring houses, but every once in a while you whined out a curse word

  “Fuck,” Matthew moaned out before you could, “oh god” he grunted against your neck as he continued to pump in and out of you, your back arching to gain more friction

  “Shit,” you whimpered, “fuck.” His speed increased and you giggled when you heard the Merry Go-Round start to squeak

  “Shh” he chuckled

  “I’m sorry” you laughed back, trying to focus more on the pleasure than the noise and after a few minutes, Matt released inside you and rolled to the side. You curled up beside him, placing your hand on his chest before you fell asleep next to him. You woke up with the dawn, letting Matt sleep while you watched the Sky lighten

  “Good morning” he cooed, kissing your shoulder as he sat up

  “Good morning,” you smiled, turning to lay a kiss to his lips, “we should probably get out of here before someone rats us out” he laughed but nodded in response, grabbing his hoodie from the ground and wrapping it around you. You watched him drive smoothly through the streets and you smiled to yourself

  “What?” he smirked

  “Nothing,” you replied, “I just... like you a whole lot”

  “That so?” He chuckled to himself

  “Yeah”

  “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I like you a whole lot, too.” He reached out his hand to interlock his fingers with yours and a flush of heat ran through your body. He had managed to make you forget about everything for a while and you were grateful to him for that but you were still scared that you’d end up alone in the long run. “Hey,” he said, seemingly catching your eyes fall to your lap, “I meant what I said last night”

  “What?” You replied, furrowing your brow

  “You’ll never be alone. I’ll always be here for you”

  “Thank you,” you smiled, dropping your head on the headrest, “for everything.”

  “Any time” he smirked, bringing your hand up so he could kiss it while the two of you drove silently back to his house.

[way2gowillow]

It's my birthday today :)

I'm finally 16 sweet 16 y'know I guess some huge life changes will happen soon people say once you turn 16 it's like your life just changes around. It's kinda crazy I'm not to sure what's gonna happen to me now that I'm "so mature" I still feel very childlike, my grandfather took me to build a bear yesterday and I still play with stuffed animals. But that's okay. I also think you'll be happy that I'm here with good news, I'm feeling really good. O feel happy and like fucking alive and things in my life are going pretty great. I, in all honesty, I haven't felt this just... Okay... Is so fucking long, it's like things are making sense now. Things are okay. It's weird I've been getting better this year, I mean I've definitely has my setbacks, but I haven't self harmed since last December, and I passed all my classes, that algebra class I passed with a 68% (64% is fail) my dad's disappointed in me but the teacher was shit and I tried my best so it's whatever honestly, being more carefree has been so much better. I got straight A's in all my other classes! So my GPA's like 3.1? Or smth idk I'm trying. But schools over. Summer is my good months, I hate the hot weather but having a few months without school is amazing, being able to stay away from bullies is incredible that's really the only thing that's so I'll been bothering me nowadays plus, over summer everyone forgets everything so hopefully theirs nothing else to bully me about next year. Maybe this summer I'll have like a glow up or smth? Probably not lol. Though, I have been going to the gym, but I'm not looking to change my body I have enough issues with that as it is. Anyways, it feels so much better to just be okay. My birthday was great and I'm feeling good. We actually celebrated last week because of the court date with my mom so my whole family could be together I got some new Markers, and A PlayStation (🫣in excited) and some new shoes it's been a really great day. I'm really excited we celebrate last week haha because (I'm sure you guessed it) I'm sick again! I'm telling you I never stop being sick it's constant, I have a sinus infection (A FUCKING GAIN) AND STREP so I'm spending my birthday eating my favorite foods (like ice cream, nice on my sore throat) and finishing up these antibiotics, I'm pretty sure the last time I wrote here I was sick then too?? I think? It might have been stomach related I honestly can't fucking remember I'm sick all the time.(along with Juvenile Arthritis, which APPERNLY I HAVE, just another thing to add to the list 🙄) But I don't really mind. I have TV to watch and I'm doing OK.

I know things like this dont last forever but im happy right now and honestly I think I'm okay with just staying for a while how stuff is. Ill have up and downs and my (phisical) health isn't too awesome but I'm doing the best I can to help it

As always you please please take care of YOURSELF. Make sure your drinking, eating, taking your medicine, giving yourself time to breathe. I appreciate you 🤗

-rosy

AWWW! Omg, happy birthday! I'm so so happy to hear that you are doing a little better right now, especially on your birthday. I hope you got all the ice cream you wanted. And that's very sweet that you went to build-a-bear. I've been meaning to go for a while myself once I have the spending money to splurge. I kinda want a K.K slider bear...(dog? Idk about the technicalities with that lol). And it's totally not a bad thing to still be fond of cute stuff like that. What matters is that you like it! And nobody else should have any issue with something as wholesome as being yourself.

I used to really enjoy Summer because of the nice break from school too. And I didn't have many friends, but the few I did have were very fun to be around. I hope you have someone like that in your life. Please enjoy the break, whether you spend it with others or at your own time. I know that algebra class you mentioned was stressing you out hardcore. You passed and you tried your absolute damn best. That's all that matters. (I'm proud of you.)

It sucks you're feeling sick, but I hope that also gets better with time. Coincidentally, I also had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (I was diagnosed at 15) and the biggest tip I can give you is to become aware of and come to terms with your own limits. I had not taken good care of myself when I turned 18 and my RA kinda spiraled out of control, which caused me to develop lupus very soon after. So, you know, take it kind of seriously and be kind to your body. You mentioned you're going to the gym, which is great! Staying active is super good for preventing joint pain. But also don't forget to take breaks. The good news is that these sort of chronic illnesses can go into remission under the right care. <3

It's always nice hearing how you're doing. Happy Birthday again. I'm glad it went well. :D

[thepropertylovers]

An Interesting Day Celebrating My Mom's Birthday

This past weekend, we all got together (in one house!) for my mom’s birthday and it was both lovely and horrible all at the same time.

Though the day didn’t turn out quite as planed (more on that in a bit), anytime we can get together like this, it’s always a win in my book. Because no matter how the day goes, I love when we can all make the time to be in one place (though as always, we missed my sister Amy who lives in Georgia with her husband and 6 kids!), especially these days. We’re all so busy with our own lives that it feels like we barely have enough time to talk on the phone, let alone spend a few hours together. 

We had brunch and drank mimosas while the kids played with the dogs and rolled down my brother’s hill. It was a gorgeous, but freezing, Sunday afternoon. I made fried eggs using the farm fresh eggs from our farm and they were nothing short of delicious. I am contemplating why I ever use any other kind? If we make our stay at the farm more permanent, we would have fresh eggs every morning. Can you imagine?

My mom has never liked celebrating her birthday, something PJ noticed and mentioned on the way home. I guess I had never really thought about it before, but after he brought it up, it got me thinking: I don’t remember her ever being particularly joyful on her birthday, not in a celebratory, beyond excited kind of way. Maybe she doesn’t like all the attention on her? Maybe she doesn’t like getting older?

Whatever the reason might be, that day, she confidently looked in the camera when I asked how old she was turning and answered, with a smile, “I am turning 66 years old!”

After brunch, we all loaded up and headed to the Chattanooga Mercantile, which has suddenly become our favorite antiques store. We found a couple of old oil portraits that we wanted to bring home with us, and might just do so when we’re ready to starting decorating Holiday House (months and months and moths from now).

All together it was a wonderful afternoon spent with the ones we love.

However, what started as a beautiful day quickly turned dark after we left. The dogs, Coco and Winston, got into a fight in the living room and they thought Coco was going to rip Winston’s throat out (it got that bad). Coco’s leg has been bothering her and everyone’s theory is that Winston unintentionally got too close to her, and it scared Coco, so she lunged at him and put her mouth around his neck. Everyone started to scream and cry and yell for the dogs to stop, but all to no avail. For reference, Winston doesn’t even weigh 10 pounds (he’s a little weenie dog!) and Coco is much bigger than that, so everyone pretty much feared the worse.

It turned out, though, that the only one to get hurt was my brother, Taylor. He did what you should never do (something we all learned that day!) and tried to break up the dog fight by pulling their mouths away from each other with his hands. Winston ended up biting his hand and he had to go to the E.R. He’s doing fine now, but he’s saying the pain is really bad.

Meanwhile, my mom started feeling sick that night and is now home with a cold. What a day. Anna and I made her some homemade chicken noodle soup yesterday and brought it over to her house while keeping our distance. No one has been sick in our household in a while (knock on wood) and we’re trying to keep it that way.

So there you have it. Though there were some ups and downs, because that’s just how life goes, in the end, all you really need is family, isn’t it?

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

[forever--darling]

not too far away - s.m. (part ten)

a/n: where the truth comes out 

warnings: 6k words of emotional conversations and secrets being revealed

X. cat’s out of the bag

her

Your dad stood tall as everyone stared at him. He looked nervous, you could tell by the way he kept wiping his sweaty palms on the back of his jeans. A soft smile pulled at his lips as he adjusted his button up on his chest. He sent you a look and even though you had a feeling that he was about to ruin everything you sent him an encouraging smile. He was going to get it all off his shoulders right now and let the truth surface during your once happy day. Everything you were scared to do was about to happen and instead of it being done by your hands it was going to be by your father’s. Clearly even at twenty years old, he wasn’t done taking care of you. 

“I just wanted to thank you all for coming to celebrate our little bug’s birthday, who clearly isn’t so little anymore,” he paused chuckling to himself, “In fact, she’s not. My girl is twenty today and what a lot of you probably don’t know is that we never thought we would see this day. Around four years ago, when Y/N was just sixteen, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She was going through surgeries and chemo and upon her request, we decided as a family to keep it from almost everyone we knew. Which means keeping it from all of you.” 

He was getting choked up and at this point, tears were gathering in your eyes and if anyone knew your dad he didn’t cry. He was a strong man who hated crying because he thought it made him weak. You had never seen your dad cry until you were diagnosed with cancer. After that, he became a machine that produced tears every few days. After you were cancer free and discharged though, that soft side and that crying Bradley Y/L/N went back to where it belonged. Inside of him. Now here he was resurfacing, except this time, he was being shown to not only your family but all of your closest friends. 

“I know this is probably hard to hear, trust me I understand. Hearing that your kid has cancer is probably the worst news any parent can hear and I’m sorry that we kept this from you. You are our closest friends and it was hard what we had to go through without any of your support. Some days seemed impossible but we managed and here we are almost a year after hospital visits and casual chemo appointments, Y/N is healthy again and back to being that bubbly ball of joy we all love. Since we are in the clear, I thought there was no point to keep this from all of you anymore. Today, I am standing here thankful for all of you and all the things you have done for my daughter and I am beyond thankful that I still have my beautiful little girl.” 

It was silent. It seemed no one knew what to say and you didn’t blame them. Besides your extended family who obviously knew about the condition you went through, all of your parents family friends and neighbors had not a clue. Even their very best friends Karen and Manny didn’t know. It was a knock to anyone’s chest who probably just found out that for four straight years you were sick and battling for your life and honestly thought that you had just been too busy for any of their time. It was a shock and you had a feeling the rest of the night would be spent with people coming up to you to talk about your bravery and strength. 

Your dad may have just ruined the rest of the night for everyone else because it all of a sudden had gone from being a lighthearted and fun birthday celebration to a confession about how you almost died. A part of you didn’t care though because your dad just put himself out there for you. He spoke from his heart and you loved him for it. 

Finally finding it in yourself to move, you walked over towards your dad and brought him into a tight hug. “I love you,” you said earnestly. 

“I love you so much,” he replied placing a kiss on your forehead. 

You smiled weakly as you pulled away turning to see all eyes on you. To some people, it was like they barely could look at you while others were desperate to hug and hold you. You sent a small look towards your mom and James before you walked away from your father towards the family that looked the most devastated. 

A sad smile graced Karen’s lips as she pulled you against her, “Oh honey, I am so sorry you had to go through that.” 

“No, I’m sorry. I should’ve told you instead of ignoring you guys all together. It’s just I knew you already had so much going on with Shawn leaving Pickering for the first time I didn’t think I should put any more stress on you,” you explained pulling back to look at her. 

“We understand, completely. It was your business and keeping it personal was your decision,” Karen said giving your hand a squeeze as her husband took your attention. 

Manny placed a hand on your shoulder, “Y/N, you’re such a strong girl and we are so relieved that you are okay.” 

Your shoulders dropped in relief and you offered them a large smile, “Thank you so much, for being so understanding.” 

They both nodded as you looked to their right, eyes falling onto the younger Mendes sibling. Aaliyah stood, eyes downcast on the ground, fingers fiddling against her stomach. A frown was etched across her face. Your hand reached out to grab her arm gently. 

“Aaliyah,” you sighed, “I’m sorry. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you and it killed me every day, that I couldn’t see you.” 

Before you could say any more, Aaliyah leaped forward pulling you into a tight hug. Her head found a place in your neck and you could feel her tears against your skin. “Thank you for not dying,” she cried. 

“Well I couldn’t leave you now, could I?” you replied, rubbing your hand up and down her back. 

Releasing her from the hug, with both your thumbs you wiped the tears from under her eyes. She smiled at you and instantly you felt a small amount of guilt. Your father had just admitted that you had beat cancer and that you were now fine but that wasn’t the case. You hadn’t beat cancer and all these people were relieved that you were alive and that you were okay but there was a chance that in a few days you might not be either of those things. 

You were a liar, you knew that because though your father may have told the truth he didn’t know the full truth. Your parents had no idea that you had gone to the doctor and no idea that you weren’t cancer free anymore. Though a little of the weight had been lifted from your shoulders there were still lies that were present around you. You still had more truth begging to be spewed from your mouth. 

After one more hug, Aaliyah moved away to be engulfed in the comfort of her mother’s arms. You sighed and ran your hands through your short hair as you shared a look with Demi who had her arms around James. A part of you wanted to question her about it and what her relationship was with your brother but you knew that wasn’t what was important at the moment and she knew it too. Demi was the only person who knew about your surgery and about the reality that you were no longer healthy. She could see your guilt and you could tell by the way she was looking at you that she thought that you needed to bring your reality onto everyone else. Most importantly your parents and probably to Shawn, if you wanted to start a relationship, he needed to know everything. 

Shawn. Your head instantly snapped in the direction of the small stage to find that he was gone and the only thing that sat in his place was his guitar. You had forgotten about him as soon as your dad started to talk and now to see that he had left made your stomach drop. God, you couldn’t even think about what his reaction might have looked like to hear all the reasons why you had ignored him for years and why your friendship had been on pause. He had just learned the truth that had been hiding from him, worst of all though he didn’t hear it from you. 

Instantly, without another second to think, you bolted up the hill towards the porch steps. You sprinted up the stairs, taking two at a time, still barefoot. You pulled open the glass door and shoved yourself inside. The kitchen was empty and frantically you moved to the living room. “Shawn?” you called out gaining no response. 

You began to check every room in the house, from the bathroom to the storage closet. With no such luck, you moved upstairs and made your way towards your bedroom. Storming in through the doorway, you froze near the door as your eyes landed on Shawn’s back. 

“Shawn,” his name fell from your lips sounding breathless. 

He was stood by your bed, staring at the nightstand where a bunch of framed pictures were. Multiple ones being of you and him. You could see how his shoulders were tense and he remained motionless with his arms limply at his sides.

“Shawn,” you repeated taking a step forward noticing his head turn to the side and drop towards the floor. 

You couldn’t pinpoint how he was feeling. He could be mad, upset, or maybe just frustrated. You had lied to him and kept things from him you never did before. You had caused him such pain to hide how the sickness you were dealing with. For minutes, it was silent. You stood waiting for him to say anything and finally as if in slow motion he turned around and you felt your heart break at the sight before you. 

His hair was messed up and his shirt was wrinkled. His eyes were rimmed with tears and they were red and puffy. His cheeks were flushed and his bottom lip was swollen from him chewing on it so much. “You were sick,” his voice was raspy and sounded completely broken. 

And just like that. The cat was out of the bag. 

You nodded ashamedly that he had found out this way and knew by the end of this conversation you would probably look just as disheveled and upset as he was. If you knew Shawn like you thought you did, he wasn’t going to take this well at all. 

“How did this happen?” he asked tugging at his curls. 

You let out a small shaky breath as you felt your chest tighten, “It was months after you left-” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” he questioned starting to raise his voice, “How could you not tell me?!”

He was starting to react exactly as you thought and you knew if you didn’t stay calm this would end with you yelling at each other loud for the rest of the party guests to hear, “I knew that if I told you, you would have came home to be with me.” 

“For fuck's sake,” he shouted hand raising and falling back to his side letting out a loud slap, “Of course I would have. What’s wrong with that?” 

“If you would have came home you wouldn’t be where you are now. You would have missed so many opportunities just to sit next to my bed all day,” you explained taking a step closer to Shawn. 

“I don’t fucking care!” he yelled.

“You don’t mean that, Shawn,” you said softly, eyes beginning to fill with tears, “You love your job. You love singing and performing.” 

He ran his fingers through his hair again, tugging at the ends, eyes wide and eyebrows raised as he stared down at you. A look of anger across his beautiful face, “Yeah, but I love you more!” 

Just like that, you felt the air had been knocked from your lungs and you had lost this small argument. In all of the years you had known Shawn, you had never seen him look so sad and so in pain until now. His lip was curling as more tears streaming down his face. Snot was gathering at the edge of his nose and he kept making noises as he sucked it back up. You had caused this. You had hurt him so deeply and in a way, you had no idea how to fix it. This was all your fault. 

He shook his head, not bothering to wipe away his tears from you. “All this time, I thought there was something wrong with me to cause my best friend to disappear from my life. I thought I did something to drive you away but now to find out that while I was having the time of my life creating a name out of myself, you were stuck in a bed sick and dying. And if you had been taken from all of us, I wouldn’t have even known. Probably would’ve found out by a sad voicemail sent from your parents. It’s a good thing that your ass pulled through because I would have not been able to deal with that. You should’ve told me, and you know that. Fuck my career and fuck whatever opportunities I was being given at the time because I should’ve been there. Y/N, I needed to be there.” 

You could feel the tears that were falling down your face like a waterfall at this point as small whimpers fell from your lips. Your hands were balled into fists and you could feel your nails digging into your palms. You could feel them cutting through your skin but you didn’t care because the pain distracted you from the one coming from your chest.

The pain that was only there because of the destruction you had caused. Shawn’s lips were trembling and his hands were shaking and you knew he was out of words and wouldn’t be able to get any more out even if he had. They wouldn’t be able to pass by the sobs that were being wrenched from his chapped mouth. 

It was over, finally, your walls were broken and now you were exposed. He now could see you for everything you had been trying to hide from him for the past four years. Your high and mighty walls had failed to keep him out because somehow he had wiggled his way into your heart. He had found a way inside and just like a storm turned to a monsoon that crack in the stone widened causing the whole damn wall to crumble. 

And though a part of you, a large part of you, begged to stay where you were. Pleaded for you to stay away from Shawn as he stood fuming, chest raising, with fresh tears falling from his eyes. That part of you, that small tiny part, told you to turn and run out of the room, away from him and away from dealing with this once and for all. It told you that he was angry and not calm enough for you to get closer, but somehow you ignored that small voice in your head because you found yourself crossing the room to fall into his strong arms. 

Your body connected with his, and in an instant, it felt like all tension in the air drifted vanishing from the both of you. His arms encased you providing a place of warmth and safety. It was familiar, and in a lot of ways, it was home. You hugged him back just as tightly as he hugged you hoping you could give him that same sense of protection he was giving you. Your tears continued to fall as his voice filled your ears. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” he whispered repeating that statement over and over again, his cries dying out with each time he said it. 

It was a relief to hear. To know that after it all, his feelings towards you had not changed and that he still wanted you as much as you wanted him. This man brought something out of you, you had never felt before. He was a drug in so many ways. All you could see, feel, and smell was Shawn and it was making your head dizzy. And all you could think about was how your heart screamed for him, and how you were too choked up to return those three little words. 

+

It was around eleven o’clock and you stood near your bedroom window, in your parents' house, admiring the stars in the night sky. Your short curls had faded, and you had tied the top pieces back into a small bun to keep them out of your face. Your makeup has been washed away and your skin was moisturized and ready for bed. You were wearing an oversized baby blue tee and white pajama pants, the same thing you had been wearing the morning Shawn showed up at the house with tickets to the Maple Leaf game. The day had felt like forever ago, though it had only been no more than a few weeks. So much had changed in such little time and you weren’t sure if you were ready for any of it. 

The party had ended an hour or so ago but the Mendes’ had only just left about fifteen minutes prior to the time now. Shawn and Demi were the only other two people who were still at the house besides your family. He was helping your dad put away the tables in the yard and Demi was in the living room talking to James, and about what, you didn’t have a clue. Honestly, you didn’t want to know. If she was going to try and engage in a relationship with your brother, you weren’t going to stop her, but you also weren’t going to be around to hear about it either. The whole day had been a whirlwind and you could feel the exhaustion creeping in on you. 

After what happened with Shawn, you hadn’t talked much for the rest of the party. You had spent a good ten minutes calming down and cleaning yourselves up before you returned back in the yard. No one seemed to notice the change between you two or maybe they did and just decided to not acknowledge it. Either way, you were grateful. As the evening went on, you made your way around to everyone listening to what they had to say and answering whatever questions they had about your treatment and your cancer. 

You also were roped into very long hugs, the longest by far being from Loretta, but you didn’t mind at all. The end of the party had in no way been like the beginning or the afternoon. It wasn’t filled with laughter and fun but rather an emotional revelation that made everyone appreciate the life they had. In your opinion, it still ended on a good note with every single person going home with a smile on their face and at the end of the day, that’s all you could have ever asked for. 

As you gave the black sky one more glance, your hand reached up to fiddle with the necklace, Shawn’s necklace he gave to you, like you had been doing all day. You turned around on your heels and jumped as you noticed Shawn leaning against the doorway, curls disheveled and shirt loose around his torso, top button undone. 

You didn’t know how long he had been standing there and it had startled you a little bit. Your hand laid flat across your chest as a small laugh passed your lips, “Shit, you scared me.” 

“Sorry,” he replied, voice low as his eyes fell to the floor, “Uh I finished up helping your dad.” 

Nodding, you moved closer to him noticing the way his feet were shuffling against the carpeted floor. “Are you going back to your parent’s then?” you asked his eyes instantly moving back up towards you at the question. 

“Well, I was hoping you’d let me stay,” he mumbled, fully stepping into the room. 

Almost if on cue, you could feel your heart speeding up in your chest. Sometimes it felt like you had a string attached to your heart and on the other end, Shawn stood pulling on it to get it to beat for him at all the right moments. But you knew, that sounded ridiculous because he didn’t need a string to do that - with just a simple look or a few words he was able to make your heart move a little faster and beat a little louder. 

“I’ll go get some clothes that you can borrow from James for the night,” you replied, hand giving his arm a reassuring squeeze as you passed him. Without a response, you were out in the hallway making your way towards your brother’s room. 

It was on the other end of the floor you were on which wasn’t such a bad thing except that you had to pass the stairs that lead down to the living room. You moved as fast as you could past the stairs but as you did, the loud laughter from your best friend was clear in your ears. Rolling your eyes, you ignored it and continued down the hall. You pushed open James’s door to be met with an unmade bed and a floor that was littered with a few pieces of clothing. 

Typical, you thought, not clean. It was funny whenever you told people that you had your own apartment and James didn’t and he was the older one out of the two. They would always have the funniest reactions about him living with your parents but then you would go on to explain that he had been in Venice the last year and had just gotten home. “He’s searching for a place, don’t worry,” you would always tell the person reassuring them that your twenty-five year old brother wasn’t going to be living with your parents the rest of his life. Who knows maybe at this rate he could move in with Demi. You rolled your eyes at the idea. 

With a huff passing by your lips, you moved towards James’s dresser and pulled out a pair of black basketball shorts and a plain white t-shirt. As soon as you had the clothes in your hands, you basically sprinted back to your room, gagging as the laughter only seemed to be louder than the first time you heard it as you passed the stairs. Walking back into the room, you closed the door behind you and leaned against the doorway a sigh escaping you. 

Shawn turned around from where he stood by your bed, more buttons undone on his white polo. He looked towards you with confusion as you generally looked disgusted. “I don’t know how you think it’s okay that Demi and James are downstairs flirting heavily on the couch.” 

Though things were far from perfect, Shawn still laughed, “I think they’re cute.” 

You practically gasped at the sentence as your finger came up and pointed in his direction. “Don’t do that. Nope, not going to happen, mister. My brother, Demi, and cute are not all allowed in the same sentence.” 

He laughed again causing your chest to warm at the sound as you lifted yourself off the door and approached him. “Here,” you said smiling up at him as you handed him the shorts and shirt. 

“Thanks,” he smiled taking them, hand brushing against yours in the process. 

You stared at each other for a few seconds, before you brushed by him and over to your side of the bed. Sitting down on the edge, you looked back towards your window, away from him so he could change without your eyes staring at him. It was funny how you two were acting like earlier hadn’t happened. It was like he was denying that he had found out you had been sick and you were ignoring that he said he loved you. In your mind, it seemed like if you just passed by it without acknowledging it, it would all go away, and you weren’t sure if you were supposed to let it or not. 

“Should I take the guest bedroom?” his voice broke through your thoughts and when you glanced over your shoulder, you found him dressed and hand gripping the doorknob to your door. 

You shook your head, a smile playing at your lips, “Shawn, don’t be ridiculous. You can sleep here with me. It wouldn’t be the first time we slept in the same bed.” 

It was funny to you, how he couldn’t be away from you at the moment but offered to sleep in the guest room. 

“I just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to or not,” he mumbled hands gripping the jeans and shirt he had been wearing all day. 

“Shawn?” 

“Yeah?” he replied. 

“Just shut up and get over here,” you chuckled pulling the covers back on your bed and crawling in. 

Dropping his clothes to the floor, near your nightstand, he slipped into the other side of the bed and without him even touching you, you could feel the warmth radiating from his body. He laid on his back, hands clasped across his stomach, and eyes staring at the ceiling. You were on your side, hand propped under your head, as you looked at him. Turning his head, his gaze met yours, and a pleading smile formed on your face hoping he would finally stop acting like earlier hadn’t happened. 

You wished that he would start asking you questions about what it was like the hospital or even better, kiss you and hold you for the rest of the night. But he didn’t do either of those things. Instead, his hand moved towards your nightstand where he turned your lamp off engulfing the room in darkness. 

You sighed, disappointingly, falling onto your back on the mattress. Your head sunk into the pillow, and your eyes locked onto the dark ceiling with one thought on your mind as silence filled the room. Maybe this was the end. Maybe you and Shawn were a mistake and it was best to stay just friends. You hoped that wasn’t the case but as of the moment that’s what it was looking like was going to happen because he wasn’t acting like the man who claimed that he loved you. No, he was acting like the best friend who was sleeping in your bed and was too scared to move in case he would end up accidentally grazing your thigh giving you the wrong idea. 

You didn’t know how much time had passed. Was it an hour? Two? Or had it only been thirty minutes? You weren’t sure but what you were sure about was that Shawn was still awake too. His breathing wasn’t light and steady like it would be if he was sleeping and every couple minutes you would hear him sigh which gave it away that he wasn’t asleep. 

Not able to take it anymore, you leaned over his body and turned your lamp back on. You sat up in the bed, knees to your chest, to meet his tired eyes that were very much open. His eyes locked with yours and within seconds he was sitting up too, covers falling down his chest and into his lap. He looked at you worriedly, that single ‘s’ shaped curl hanging across his forehead. 

“I can’t sleep,” you mumbled simply. 

“Why? What’s the matter?” Shawn asked either acting clueless or in reality, happened to be so dumb that he was that clueless. 

“What’s the matter,” you retorted sending his words back at him, “What’s the matter is that we’re lying here and you can barely say more than four words to me. A few hours ago you say that you love me but now it’s like you’re scared to even touch me.” 

Your hands found their way to your face, covering your eyes so you wouldn’t have to look at Shawn. It falls silent for a good thirty seconds before you hear a deep breath from Shawn and then feel his warm palm land on your knee. He scooted closer to you too and you could feel how warm he was as his skin touched yours. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized chin falling onto your shoulder, “It’s just I can’t stop thinking. Can’t stop picturing you in that hospital bed without me there by your side. You told me and that should be enough but I guess it’s not if that’s all I can think about.” 

Hands falling from your face, you heard turned to him. His face was only inches away from yours. His eyes were wide and no longer looking droopy and tired and his lips were puffed out almost asking for you to lean over and kiss them.

“Please just tell me something,” he begged to give your knee a light squeeze, “I know it’s probably hard to talk about but I need to know something. Anything about what it was like in that hospital.” 

You nodded, forehead bumping his lightly, as you reached forward to brush the curl back and out of his eyes. Sitting back against the headboard, your hands fiddled with the comforter in your lap. He laid on his side, hand running up and down your thigh for comfort as his amber eyes were zoned on you. 

“I don’t really know where to start except that it was hard,” you sighed, head falling back against the wood frame, “The chemo was probably the worst part. It does a lot to a person. You’re constantly dizzy, you don’t ever feel like eating, and always think you’re going to vomit. Honestly the only thing, I can think about that wasn’t completely horrible about it all is that during chemo they would give us these cancer popsicles that tasted like oranges. That wasn’t so bad I guess. Oh, and in the spring, sometime after I had been given a room when the cancer started to get bad, Patty, the sweetest nurse at that hospital, would sneak me outside in a wheelchair so I could enjoy the fresh air. I would just sit there soaking up as much sunlight as I could as the breeze danced across my dry skin. Those were the best days, I think.”

You smiled softly at the memories, of Patty and how she had always managed to balance out those bad days with some good ones. She was a light of sunshine who cared about every single one of her patients and at the top of her list, a spot had been created for your name. 

Eyes looking back towards Shawn who laid silently watching you, you knew there was more you should say. So reaching down, you lifted your shirt revealing your stomach. his orbs followed the movement and widened as they locked onto the three pink scars. Two of them were small and on your waist, either side of your belly button while the third was large and extended below that horizontally, a few inches long. 

“The worst day, I would probably have to say is when they told me I would have to get a hysterectomy if I wanted to survive,” you whispered, tears filling your eyes, “They took my ovaries, uterus, and my fallopian tubes and I remember after it happened, I remember the only thing I could think about when I woke up was that I was never going to be able to have any babies. This plan that I thought I had for my life had changed and I realized that I would never be able to do the one thing that a woman’s body was made to do. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to give, the man that I would someday spend the rest of my life with, a child and that alone is so unfair.” 

At this point, tears were slowly falling down your cheeks, as you stared at Shawn. His eyebrows were furrowed and a frown played on his lips as he looked at your sad state. Slowly without a word, he leaned forward, and his lips found a safe place along your stomach. He kissed softly at the left scar on your waist, and after a few seconds switched to the other. 

A sad sigh fell from you, hand moving up to knot in his curls as his warm plump lips moved lower towards the largest scar, the one you despised the most. “I really wanted to have a baby someday,” you cried as he kissed at the sensitive skin gently. 

After another minute he sat up and you let your shirt drop, recovering your stomach. Both of his hands cupped your face where his thumbs went to work wiping underneath your eyes until there were no more tears staining your skin. Then he wrapped his left hand around the back of your neck and pulled you closer to him. Your face sat along the dip of where his neck and shoulder met as your arms wrapped around his strong torso. Shawn’s nose nestled into your hair and for the next few moments, you both sat there enjoying the comfort that was brought to the both of you.

“I knew that I was right,” his voice rang through your ears causing you to sit back so you could look at his face as he talked, “I wish I hadn’t been but I knew that I was right.” 

You were confused, “About what?”

“The hair,” he answered simply and you gave him a small look that said you were thankful he changed the subject, “I knew that you were too crazy to ever cut it.” 

“You’re right about that. Too bad it wasn’t my choice,” you admitted hand slipping under his, James’s, t-shirt. Your cold hand splayed across his lower back, the warmth instantly spreading across your palm. 

“Eh, I like the short hair,” Shawn admitted reaching up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. 

A soft smile rose to your lips, as your other hand found a place near the collar of the white shirt, where your thumb began to swipe across the skin on his neck, “At least you didn’t have to see me bald.” 

“I bet you were beautiful,” he responded, gaze falling down to your lips. 

You could feel your cheeks heating up at his words. Your breathing was getting heavier and at first, you didn’t know what to say in response. It was silent as Shawn sat, hand cupping your cheek while the other moved to your waist. His eyes were locked onto your lips and the only thing you wanted at that very moment was for him to kiss you. It was killing you the longer you waited and you were practically squirming under his touch. You could smell the remains of his cologne and the cinnamon that always clung to his skin. He leaned in closer the smell invading your senses as his forehead leaned against yours.  

“Shawn, please kiss me,” you whispered and without a second to waste he obliged. 

You sighed happily, eyes fluttering to a close as you fell back into the mattress, Shawn falling on top of you. Your legs wrapped around his waist pulling him in closer towards your body as his lips molded with yours. Your body reacted instantly, melting against his. His thumb stroked your cheek lovingly and all you could think about was how soft and warm his lips were against yours. It made you realize how in many ways it was like the first kiss you ever shared. Sweet. Soft. And all around life changing.

next part

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #455

“but you didn’t have to cut me off  /  make it like it never happened and that we were nothing”

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? We're besties! :') Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? No. Would you get a lip piercing? I already have a vertical labret. I've considered getting spiked snakebites (they might be called devil bites?) too, though. With a vertical labret, it looks sick as FUCK. It might be a bit much too close together for me, though, idk. Nose piercing? I want my right nostril re-pierced. What are you currently waiting for? Girt to message me back. I've decided what I want out of our relationship and just want to see him. Do you have feelings for anyone? Hit me pretty hard through a lot of examination of my feelings that yeah, I do. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my god no, I would be DESTROYED. Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? bro what the fuck When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? I do only out of expectation. I don't want someone to think I'm an ass or something for not saying it. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? A few years ago for my niece's birthday. She was scared of how loud it was and was very reluctant to get near it, so my fat ass got in there with everyone else to show her it was fine lol. I can't remember if she eventually got in. She loves them now, though. :') Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No, but thanks for the idea, ha ha. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. What is one food that you detest? Asparagus. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not really. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? GOD NO. Do you often find yourself questioning your future? That's my full-time job. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 124. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same I listen to now. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single rn, but usually, I go for "sweetie/sweetheart," "hunny," "love," "dear," stuff like that. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yes. What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. I was SO fuckin upset because it was on Sara's birthday and planned in secret, and I was supposed to wake her up. It still wound up being a big surprise to her when she walked into her room and I was chillin' at her desk, ha ha, but I still wish it coulda gone as originally planned. Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yes; they have a yappy-ass dog that doesn't shut up. I haven't met them. What color is your bedroom door? White. If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? This may sound very ungrateful, but I have heard A LOT of celebrities say it: it would get old, being stopped constantly in public for signatures, pictures, etc. Like yes, I still WOULD be grateful, but I'd miss just being off the radar and able to go outside carrying out chores and stuff like a normal person. Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? No. :( Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? Nah, not nowadays. Have you ever written a story? Yes, a kinda short one when I was little. Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? The breakup with Jason and the fact we're just strangers again. It was really short, but I like it a lot, honestly. Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? I think so. What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? A skeleton in my closet, lol. Literally. Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? alkdsjflakjwle yes In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? That '70s Show. 3rd Rock From the Sun is high up there, too. What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? HYPOTHETICALLY, two, but I'm pretty damn serious about having none. I just always feel kinda bad for children without a sibling, but three would make me pull my hair out. Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Yes. I overreact to even minor symptoms to ANYTHING. Are you comfortable with who you are? No. Pretty much everything about myself embarrasses me, even if it shouldn't. Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? Yes? Others' opinions don't affect how I feel about someone. Does popularity matter to you at all? No, outside of trying to be a successful photographer. Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? If they really wanted that and it would benefit them, yes. Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? I discovered them myself. Do you ever read fanfiction? Nah. Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Jesus. A plane crash, I guess, because in a lot of cases, it would be an immediate death. What are your top five favourite TV shows? Meerkat Manor, Fullmetal Alchemist (and Brotherhood; shut up, they go together), That '70s Show, Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. What is your favorite superhero movie? Logan. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Uhhhh idk... I guess maybe a heart attack? Judging by doctor appointments, my heart is just fine, but the fact still remains that I'm technically obese, so that's always a risk. Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Facebook, yes. It was just depressing me. I was playing the comparison game REAL hard. Who is the most talented person you know? I dunno. I know many people talented in a lot of areas. Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No. Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? Bowling. Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Jason and Juan pursued me at the same time. They'd known each other in the past, and Juan hated him for "winning" his ex-girlfriend. Then when Jason and I got together, Juan wasn't the happiest for sure. Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? Before I actually came out as bisexual, I don't think so? Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Conservative. Mom is more open, but still conservative. I think. What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? I'm not in school. How far away does your closest family member live? I live with Mom. If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? I actually strongly prefer Tim Burton's. Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. I just want to be in a long-term, serious, healthy relationship to reach that point and be as safe as possible about it. Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal, but I do have some conservative beliefs, too. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one, given I never got into that franchise. What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Not a goddamn thing. What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Done "the thing." Name something that you are against. I'll go with an unconventional one that's a problem as of the late: making owning reptiles illegal. Why are you against it? Because reptiles are perfectly capable of being brilliant pets and, most importantly, can tame people's fears of them. I think that it's very important to see the worth and beauty in all animals, and reptiles are one of the most unappreciated families out there. :/ Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? I played some of either the first or second one. I could never beat it. Old games are hard, man. Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I absolutely believe that it can get to an extreme that I don't like, but for the most part, I don't mind a clingy partner because hey, I am too. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Stonessss. When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? It'd been on my mind for a while, but I *officially* realized that I really do like-like Girt a couple days ago. And since then it's gotten a bit hardcore and all I wanna do is talk to him bc fuck me and how attached to people I get. What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Every single time I go to the gym, I feel proud of myself because it REALLY takes a lot out of me. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Nope. I'm willing to be a shoulder to cry on for like... anyone. If you're hurting, talk to someone. I'll be there as an easy option. What was the last thing to fascinate you? It was... INCREDIBLY disturbing and almost nauseating even for me, but I saw a video of a dead whale explode. It was GRUESOME. Guts just kept coming and coming and coming and :x Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Hmmm... I'm sure there is, but what, it's not coming to me. Sudden, loud noises are an obvious answer. Do you have a favourite microorganism? ... No, I can't say I do. Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? Girt's, actually. It's in October. If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I actually had them as a kid. Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Ye. Have you ever owned chickens? No, but that'd be cool. Fresh eggs from a properly cared for chicken taste SO much better. When did you last listen to music? Currently. NOW I'm obsessed with Melodicka Bros & Violet Orlandi's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." It's done in a gothic metal style and is amaaaazing.

[purplesurveys]

1200

Have you ever felt a baby kick? Yeah, when my mom was pregnant with my brother.

What color pants/shorts are you wearing? I have red shorts on at the moment.

When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it? Last Friday, I’d say? Hahaha. Counted down the hours and minutes before the Butter MV drop, celebrating and freaking out with Army when it finally came out, watched the OT7 VLive that happened that afternoon, and streamed the video for nearly 24 hours straight so we could break some records, all of which we ended up achieving. It feels great to stan a group again after being out of the loop for so long lol.

What was the scariest moment of your life? A few men have lunged towards me - just to get attention, I guess? - in the past, while I was just peacefully walking. I always hear them snickering once I’ve flinched, and I always ended up crying once I’ve processed the situation.

Have you ever heard of Leonard Cohen? I know of the name, but I have no clue who he is or what he does (did?).

Pancakes or flapjacks? I don’t even know what flapjacks are, so let’s go with pancakes.

What kind of computer are you on? I’m using a Macbook Air.

Do you eat Chinese food? If so, what's your favorite dish? Yes. Minced pork with eggplant.

What are you usually doing at midnight? On weekdays, I spend it in bed, either watching videos or already reading fanfics to get ready to turn in. On Friday nights and weekends, I will usually be found on the rooftop taking a survey or two.

Have you ever developed feelings for a friend, but you were already with someone? No, I’ve never developed feelings for another person while in a relationship.

If so, how did it turn out?

Give me your brief definition of love. I will always stick by this quote, “Love never says, ‘I have done enough.’”

What is the most beautiful part of the human body, male or female? This is subjective, of course, but personally I find it to be thighs.

What kind of shoes do you wear? I’m not wearing any at the moment; but in general, I like to wear sneakers.

What is the worst thing you've ever done when you were really angry? Physical violence.

Are there any pills you take on a daily basis? If so, what? Nope.

Do you like the smell of coconuts? Not so much. I like coconut milk, though.

What is the heaviest you think you can lift? I think my personal best was like 60 or 70 lbs, back when I had weight training classes for PE in college. I remember being in so much pain once I gave the 80 lbs barbell a shot.

Do you take Tums? No.

Have you ever walked on a pier at the beach? ...Ugh. I’m pretty sure I’ve taken this survey very recently but I might as well just take it again because I don’t feel like searching for another. Anyway, I haven’t... at least not that I can remember.

How about under one? Definitely not.

At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone? I was around 12 when I was starting to feel confused about getting nervous around Andi.

Do you feel that way around anyone now? I don’t.

Do you ever talk to yourself or think deep thoughts while on the toilet? No haha but I usually bring my phone with me to keep me company.

Do you ever sing to yourself? Pretty often.

What is a sound that relaxes you? Ocean waves.

How hard has it been to reach your main goal in life? I don’t have a main goal set in life. I just live in the now and try to do things or make decisions that would keep me consistently happy.

Do you remember the song about hoes in different area codes? HAHAHAHAHA definitely took this recently; this is so embarassing. No, I still don’t know about this song.

What is your main heritage? Filipino.

What kind of pickles do you prefer, if you like pickles? I hate pickles and I find them absolutely nasty, but there are other pickled things I like, like radishes.

What kind of cheese do you prefer, if you like cheese? Mozzarella and feta.

If you could have a sea creature as a pet, what would you want? No thanks. I’m not capable of providing them proper care.

How about a farm animal? I would just stick to dogs.

So, do you have hoes in different area codes?

What is the most annoying song you can think of that came out recently? I’ve been in a BTS bubble for a solid month or so and I honestly can’t tell you my opinion about songs that have recently come out, because I literally don’t know any.

What is a song that you hate to admit you like? There isn’t any I’m guilty about.

What inspires you to get off your bum and do something productive? Knowing I’ll feel accomplished once I do it.

Do you ever use Urban Dictionary? Never anymore. I used to browse through it only when I was a lot younger.

Do you find the definitions on there to be generally funny or stupid? Both.

What comes to your mind when you hear the word 'transformation'? The Transformers series, lol.

What was something you regularly played with as a child? I always liked clay and I never really graduated from that interest, since I find the texture fascinating and fun to play with.

Have you ever given in to peer pressure? Sure.

If so, what did you do? I had my first sip of alcohol at Kaira’s 18th birthday and I was feeling left out since literally everyone else was drinking. For vaping, Gabie introduced it to me; and for smoking, it was another case of FOMO that made me want to try it out.

What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? My back.

Do a lot of people check you out when you're in public? Idk? I don’t take note of that kind of attention, anyway; I would find it creepy.

How many people do you know for sure to be interested in you right now? Zero.

What is a good name for a turtle? I think it would be the same process as the way I think it would be for any other pet; it would depend on their personality, their aura, etc. 

Can you imitate any accents well? If so, which one(s)? Not really. I can read Hangul and am familiar with the different tonalities used in Korean but I wouldn’t say my imitation would be considered spot-on.

Do you like having your ear nibbled on? Yes.

What makes a good kisser a good kisser? When they know how to use their tongue in a teasing way, for one. Eugh it’s too early for this lol

How many times a year do you have a family thing? What even is a family thing?

What are the best things to put in a smoothie? I don’t like smoothies.

Do you ever eat with your eyes closed and just focus on the taste? Yup, especially when I’m either eating somewhere pricey or when I’m eating at one of my favorite restaurants.

What do you dislike most about where you live right now? It’s a pretty uneventful city, and if I want to have some fun I always have to go to Manila.

Has anyone ever given you a rose/roses? Yup.

Are you watching your weight? No.

Have you ever became really good friends with someone you found online? Yes. Aliyah and I are still friends and I’m glad we’ve been able to maintain our friendship even after mine and Gab’s falling out. It’s a shame the three of us didn’t get to meet in real life though, and it will 100% never happen now. I also used to have a group of Twitter friends back in my wrestling stan days but it’s been a very long time since we’ve gone our separate ways. I have yet to find friends on Army Twitter but I really doubt I would get to build established friendships any time soon because EVERYONE IS SO YOUNG OVER THERE

What makes your best friend your best friend? They understand me better than anyone else does.

Do you have a drunk uncle? I have a couple of them.

Do you hear weird noises in your house at night? Nope.

What is something you do that is generally more like something the opposite sex does? Ignoring this question.

What is the girliest thing you do, if you're a girl? Also ignoring this.

What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen? I find line tattoos to be pretty cool and beautiful in general. The minimalist look it goes for works really well.

Have you ever created anything artistic that you're proud of? If so, what? That vase I molded during my Vigan trip :) It was the first (and so far) only thing I’ve made from scratch, and even though I didn’t get to take it home, I’m still glad I had the opportunity to try pottery.

Do you only eat the middle of the oreo, if you eat oreos? No? That’s pretty wasteful. I eat the whole cookie.

Do you know anyone with a huge ego? Hahahahaha. Yes.

If so, is there anything else about them you actually like? Not anymore, no.

Have you ever used a racial slur, even jokingly? Most likely as a stupid teenager when I didn’t know any better.

Do you have any friends who are more like siblings to you? Angela and Laurice.

If so, what about them do you like most? They’re very easy to talk to, and they’re both selfless and generous.

What is everyone else in your house doing right now? My mom is making dinner while I believe everyone else is just on their phones waiting for the dish to be made.

What is the most money you've ever had at one time? I don’t remember the exact amounts anymore but my mom used to hand me cheques and regularly assign me to pay for me and my sister’s tuition back in grade school and high school, since she had work during the day and didn’t have time to stop by the school herself.

How long do you think it would take you to run a mile? I don’t know but definitely longer than what would be considered a decent duration for a fit person.

Look down. What do you see? I can see my legs but just barely since it’s dark out.

What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable? Topics I don’t know too much about.

What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it? BTS, my field, and history.

What kind of mood were you in most of today? Comfortable. We had the aircon on all day and I just watched BTS MVs and live performances, and I don’t really feel bad about being unproductive for once.

Has anyone ever walked in on you naked? Just once or twice.

Tell me an inside joke you have with someone. Togepi.

What is the worst thing someone could do to you emotionally? Tell me hurtful words.

What is the worst thing you've ever done to someone emotionally? Idk...maybe cut them off unexpectedly? I'll usually have no problem doing this with people who make me uncomfortable.

How do you feel now about the first person you ever dated? Nothing. She’s not in my life.

How about the last person (your last ex)? She’s the same person.

What is the best invention ever invented? The internet.

What is something that needs to be invented? Not a completely new invention but I wish programs that can identify songs for you, like Siri, can be more improved to be able to recognize songs just by humming the tone. So far they can only name songs if you play it clearly for a few seconds, but it can be a hassle if I wanna have access to a certain song but only remember the melody and otherwise have no idea what the lyrics are or who sang them.

Describe your eyes. I don’t think they’re anything special. I don’t count them as a striking feature of mine.

What always makes you burp? Eating quickly. And beer.

What is something you hate doing that most couples do? There isn’t anything.

What's your astrological sign? Taurus.

What are you doing tomorrow? I wanna finally watch the Friends reunion special since I didn’t feel like watching it today. I also have a press release to write for one of my clients – they requested for it Friday and want it by Monday :(

[rorygoldstein]

oneshot // part one.

It had literally been the most perfect Christmas for Rory, spending every hour he could with his boyfriend for neither of them knew when they’d be able to see each other for this long again. But, of course, they had to go back to living their separate lives, Rory stuck behind the walls of the castle and Liam back to the Quidditch field, living the life that Rory wanted. Their goodbyes were hard. They both knew they would be, the hangover from celebrating his eighteenth Birthday the night before not making things any better, but Rory was leaving with a few presents that would make the transition just that little bit easier. 

They hugged, Rory pressed a few sloppy kisses all around Liam’s face and before he could be tempted to say those three words, the boy apparated on the spot to the front door of his Grandparents’ house. Just standing in front of the place brought back the nerves he felt when he first arrived here six months ago, except this time he didn’t have a heavily depressed and hungover mom with him. It was just him. And although his Grandparents hated him, they had promised to financially support him through Hogwarts. That was entirely the only reason he was here, to collect his money and go. A Birthday present might have been nice too, but he was kidding himself if he thought he’d get one of those.

After a few moments of standing still, Rory finally knocked on the door and looked to his feet as he waited, hearing footsteps approach. He looked up as the door opened with a straight face, but upon seeing who was behind it, his face immediately dropped.

“Mom.” 

“Oh, Rory darling!” The woman exclaimed, quickly rushing forward to envelop him in a hug but he just as quickly stepped away from her so she couldn’t touch him. Had she forgotten what their last interaction had been like? Because he sure as hell hadn’t. But based on the confused look on her face, it certainly seemed like it. “Come in, sweetheart. Come on,” she smiled, almost sickeningly sweetly. He hated hearing that word come out of her mouth, and he wasn’t buying this facade of hers, but he wasn’t leaving without his money.

Rory walked through the halls of the house, following her to the reception room and dropping his bags down on the floor. The minute the door closed, he began to bombard her with questions.

“What the fuck are you doing here, mom? I thought you were meant to be in rehab? Quit that too, did you? You are just–... insufferable. I can’t believe you dropped out of something that was trying to help you, but of course you did. Why the hell would you want to get help if–” 

“RORY GOLDSTEIN,” the woman bellowed over the top of him, cutting the boy off. “Sit your ass down and we are going to be civil about this. Like adults. Because you are now an adult,” she said in a softer tone of voice. She hadn’t forgotten his birthday then. Rory moved to sit down on the nearest chair with a scowl on his face. 

“Okay. That’s better,” Heather said calmly. “So, I suppose you’ve got a lot of questions. And I will answer all of them, I swear–... I’ve not been telling you the truth all these years, and I need to tell you now, for my own sanity.”

“For your sanity, but not mine? Glad to see rehab hasn’t changed you at all, Heather.” Rory rarely called his mom by her name, but when he did, she knew he was mad.

“Rory,” she said sternly before taking a breath. “I got discharged from rehab a month ago, I’ve been living here ever since. I made a lot of progress and my counsellor said he was happy for me to leave.” Rory simply stared at her with a scowl still on his face, but internally he was a little thankful that it had worked. “I’ve got a lot of apologising to do.” Rory nodded and let her speak, wondering just how much she was willing to apologise for.

“So. I need to apologise for how I treated you when you told me you were–..” she hesitated on the word.

“Gay?” He said, furrowing his brows at her. Was she that homophobic she couldn’t even say the word?

“Yes... gay. I shouldn’t have done the things I did, Rory. I was just a bit shocked, that’s all.” Rory’s mood lifted a little at that, he’d actually gotten an apology. But of course, he’d spoken, or rather thought, too soon. “I don’t support your decision, but I love you so I’m going to put up with it.”

The boy sat there and just stared at her. He was furious, and he wanted to scream and shout at her, cast a spell on her even. But he couldn’t. He had to stay civil if he wanted to get his money and leave, even if what she said was completely unforgivable and made his heart break just that little bit more.

“It’s not a decision, Heather. I did not choose to be gay. No one chooses to be gay.”

Heather paused for a moment, “Right... anyway, what I did was awful and I’m sorry.”

Rory shook his head, of course she’d try to change the topic. She was definitely her father’s daughter, homophobic enough to not even want to talk about it.

“I’m also sorry I was drunk all the time around you, honey. I just–... there’s a lot that has happened in my life that you don’t know about and it’s–.. well it’s hard, having all that in your head and not being able to tell anyone about this big part of your life,” she said nervously, as if building up to something. Rory thought he knew everything there was to know about his mom, they’d talked pretty freely about her past relationships and how she came to have him.

“I’m just going to come out and say it because I don’t know how else to do this,” she said, steadying herself.

“Rory. You have sisters. Twin sisters.”

Rory just sat there, staring blankly at her, unable to process the information, which Heather mistakenly took as an invitation to keep going.

“I fell in love with a man and we fell pregnant. I was so happy, probably the happiest I’ve ever been,” she smiled reminiscently. “As soon as I had the twins, I phoned my family to tell them the good news... but by the time I got back to the hospital room Philip had... taken them,” her breath caught as she spoke. “Taken my babies. And all he left he was an envelope of cash and a note saying to leave, to never try to find them.”

Rory was still just sat there in shock, letting the story wash over him. 

“So that’s how I ended up in America and having you, my precious boy who I love more than life itself. That’s why I acted the way I did, all these years. I know that doesn’t justify some of the things I said or did to you, honey. I know. But now you know the whole story. ” 

Rory’s head was whirring and he felt physically sick. This was– this was... too much. He couldn’t cope with it. She was his mom. Only his. He was an only child, the most important person in her life. 

“Rory... say something,” his mom said softly after a few moments of painful silence, but the volume wasn’t enough to snap him out of his trance. “Rory,” she said a bit louder, but her patience with his antics was running thin. “RORY.” That finally did it.

But instead of Rory saying anything, he turned his head, stood up and blinked at her a couple of times, exhaling deeply. He wanted to do.. something. But he felt so numb, so void of emotion that he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to think, he just wanted to get out. So that’s what he did, quickly moving to the hallway to grab the bags he’d dropped, dashing to the door. On the mantelpiece he saw his Grandpa’s wallet, and he didn’t even hesitate to grab it and shove it into his pocket. That was the reason he’d came here in the first place, after all. 

The boy could hear his mom chasing after him, crying out that she was sorry and that he deserved better, but Rory did not give a shit about her apologies any more. He did deserve better, better than a fucking alcoholic who physically abused her son when he came out. Better than someone who was still not willing to accept him, better than someone who had lied to his face for his entire life. Rory deserved better, and he knew he did.

Rory opened the door and took one last look back at her. He could have said some last words, anything that would insult her, for her to look back on as the last thing her son would ever say to her. But he didn’t. He wanted her to suffer, not knowing what was going on in his mind, just like he’d suffered because of her. And with one last blank stare, he slammed the door and stormed back to the direction of Hogwarts. He could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket but he turned it off without even looking at who it was contacting him, not that he needed to. He wanted to, nay, needed to be alone, to comprehend this colossal fucking thing that had just been dropped. It was all far too much. 

But then, Rory realised something. He remembered something he could do, something he’d been wanting to do for years but never had the opportunity to do. It was almost perfect timing, something to distract him even slightly from delving into this mess of a situation. So as soon as he got to the gates, the Slytherin headed to the greenhouses to cut off a mandrake leaf, for he was finally ready to start the process of becoming an animagus.

[bobasheebaby]

200 Brooklyn 99 Prompts

Rosa

1 “Talk to him, that's what friends do.” “Nope. I'm gonna wait 'til I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word and then die immediately.” “That's your plan for dealing with this?” “That's my plan for dealing with everything. I have seventy-seven arguments I'm going to win that way.”

2 “I'm already seeing somebody, NAME.” “Oh, and just like that, things got interesting.” “And just like that, I left.”

3 “NAME is even wearing his/her formal leather jacket.” “It's the one without any blood on it.”

4 “Right, that's the guy/girl you said the lame stuff about. Like he’s/she's a good listener.” “Sorry, what do you look for in a guy/girl?” “Real stuff, like the shape of his/her ass.”

5 “Sorry I'm late. I had to go back to the deli and return my Everything Bagel. In what world does everything not include beef jerky?” “All of them.”

6 “He/She also likes to look up recipes online and go, "Who's got the time?"

7 “Thank you, NAME. Your entire life is garbage.”

8 “NAME , tell us about your family.” “I have one.”

9 “Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.”

10 “I am dating his/her nephew/niece. Now we are hanging out on weekends. What is next? Oh! Small talk.”

11 “Wait, is that a smile I see?” “Possibly. My immune system is too weak to fight off my smile muscles.”

12 “Whoa, what happened? You know what, forget it. I'll just read NAME’s notes.”

13 “NAME? Are you stuck in there?” “No, I'm in here by choice.” “Oh, 'cause I hear some banging noises as if someone was struggling to open the door.” “No. That was the pipes.” “Or, is it the sound of you learning how to ask for help? You know, you can't spell ‘independent’ without ‘dependent.’” “And you can't spell ‘Go [bleep] yourself’ without ‘[bleep] you.’”

14 “I've said "excuse me" more times this morning than I have in my entire life. Twice!”

15 “Oh, nothing better after a long shift than coming to BAR NAME. It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.” “A place where everybody knows your name is hell. You're describing hell.”

16 “So, what is this? Casual, serious? I need to know how to make fun of you.”

17 “NAME and I broke up. He/She ate soup too much.” “What, like every day?” “It happened twice.”

18 “So, what are you drinking?” “I'll have a margarita. But, like, a skinny margarita. So, like, tequila, lime, and a tiny splash of agave.” “Mm. I refuse to order that.”

19 “What are you looking all wistful about?” “Just thinking, about relationships and love, and how I'm way better at them than I thought I'd be. Should I do a TED Talk on it?” “Doesn't seem any dumber than all the other TED Talks.”

20 “Why didn't you tell me? I had no idea things were getting that serious.” “Yeah, it's very embarrassing having feelings.”

21 “So are you bringing someone to the wedding?” “No, I'm taking a break from dating for a while.” “What?” “I'm sick of asking people how many siblings they have. Oh, is it somewhere between zero and two? How fascinating.”

22 “I grew a goatee and it looks amazing, and I know you can see it.” “Of course we can see it, NAME. It's horrible.”

23 “It feels like you're being a little harsh.” “Thanks, good note. I was going for extremely harsh. I'll turn it up.”

24 “Are your senses heightened?” “I think I might be pregnant, not bitten by a radioactive spider.”

25 “You're what sneezes are!”

26 “Seriously, you guys should stand up once in a while. You know, for your hearts.”

27 “NAME, this is dumb. I'm just gonna go.” “No, no, no. You promised me more time. I still have seven minutes.” “I really don't want to miss my flight, and I cannot physically stand the way that room smells anymore.” “Just breathe through your mouth.”

28 “You know, some people say, ‘Mo money, mo problems,’ but those people are idiots. Money's amazing.”

29 “Dude, just admit you ruined everything and turned our lives into a living hell. No biggie.”

30 “We don't want anyone getting alcohol poisoning, so if you throw up, you're disqualified.” “I never throw up. I just tell my stomach to deal with it. My body is terrified of me.”

Jake

31 “I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?”

32 “I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.”

33 “How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty, sixty bucks?” “Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.” “Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?”

34 “So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.” “Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?” “Breakfast burrito, but yeah.” “I pity your dentist.” “Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.”

35 “I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.”

36 “Rules are made to be broken.” “They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.” “Uh, piñatas.” “Glow sticks.” “Karate boards.” “Spaghetti when you have a small pot.” “Rules.”

37 “Hey, can I ask you something?” “Mm-hmm.” “If the toilets drain into the ocean, does that mean a tiny shark could swim up and bite me in the butt?” “No, not at all.” “Psh, lame.”

38 “NAME, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your dad/mom tonight?” “Those are exactly the same.” “I have a signature look, NAME.”

39 “Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.” “That will be $1,600.” “Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.”

40 “I am straight-up depressed. NAME’s been doing her best to cheer me up. He/She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.” “Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.” “I know, it's so hot.”

41 “Wait. Before you say anything, I want to guess what happened based on your face. Someone died. No! You won a prize. I'm not getting better at this.”

42 “What is the bandwidth on the wifi here? We have much content to stream.”

43 “Oh, you sweaty, chair-spinning morons. You're gonna get us out of here.”

44 “Sir, I think I speak for all of us when —“ “He/She doesn't.” “He/She doesn't.”

45 “So, your brother/sister's a bit of a nightmare.” “I wouldn't say that. I mean, at most, he’s/she's a daymare.” “Those are so much scarier.” “Yeah.”

46 “Look, NAME, I burnt two hundred calories.” “That's your heart rate.” “Yeah, that checks out.”

47 “I don't slump, people. I opposite of slump. I pmuls. That's slump backwards and it's what I do. I pmuls all over this bitch.”

48 “Excuse me. We were just looking for a place to —“ “Boink.” “Yes, boink. That's my preferred term for it, too.”

49 “Thank you for doing this. I love you.” “Noice. Smort. I love you too.”

50 “Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.”

51 “I have a sexy voice!

Champagne.

Mountain range.

Hugs.”

52 “Has anyone ever told you you look just like a statue?” “Yes.”

53 “NAME, you're smiling. It's very weird. Like seeing a turtle out of its shell.”

54 “You look happy. Let me guess. Your egg sandwich fell on the floor, and they gave it to you for free.” “No. Can you do that? Why doesn't everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?” “I was trying to insult you.” “And instead you gave me an amazing life hack!”

55 “So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since NAME heard they were remaking ‘First Wives Club.’”

56 “Hey, there, NAME. Everything okay?” “No, I'm having a meltdown.” “Props. That was amazing.” “Thanks. It was a lot of work.”

57 “Almost makes me wanna take things seriously all the time. But then I'm like ‘boobs, farts, boobs, whatever’.”

58 “Ahh, babe, this is so nice. There are hot stones on our butts for no reason.” “Not on mine. My butt stones keep falling off, because I'm so tense about NAME being here and ruining everything.”

59 “Okay, don't shoot! That's how people get shot.”

60 “Rule number 3: Let's not have sex right away.” “Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule.”

Charles

61 “Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?” “Tinker Bell?” “Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.”

62 “NAME, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.” “Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.”

63 “Hey, NAME, are you ready to go streaking?” “What?” “That's what my dad/mom and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.” “You just said you called it going streaking.” “It had a couple names.”

64 “So we have good news, and we have bad news.” “My Nana always said, ‘Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie.’ Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.”

65 “What about me? What if something happens to NAME, and he never gets to meet my baby? I don't want to hang out with some stupid baby who's never met NAME.”

66 “Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him/her. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It definitely won't be later than tomorrow. So pretty much today or tomorrow then.”

67 “No! I was eavesdropping. I'm always eavesdropping.” “I don't like it.” “Look, I didn't spend the last seven years watching your love ripen, only to have it sullied by a city hall wedding. You're getting married right here, right now.”

68 “I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like him/her a little bit.” “You doodled your wedding invitation.” “No, that's our joint tombstone.” “My mistake.”

69 “How many times have I smacked you in your face?” “Lost count.” “And you still have no fear of me.” “I'm trying to read your womb vibe.” “Exactly. Knock it off.”

70 “Okay, first of all, NAME, you look amazing. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name.” “Clearly.”

71 “He’s/She's got a type, which is really any one but you.” “Yeah, that was my ex-husband/ex-wife's type, too.”

72 “Sexy train is leaving the station. Check out this caboose. Later, sluts.”

73 “I can't wait to see you, my luscious little breakfast quiche. I just want to draw you a bubble bath and spoon-feed you caviar. I think we should open up a joint checking account. I love you. [pause] What am I doing?” “It's okay. I hung up right after ‘Chucklebunny’.” “Help me. I've gone Full NAME.”

74 “Do you desire a crispen potato?” “Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.” “How dare you, sir/madam. I speak the common tongue.” “There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.” “Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.”

75 “Hey, donut holes. Don't mind if I do. Eurgh! Fish? Fish donuts, NAME? What is wrong with you?” “It's takoyaki. I'm drowning my sorrows in octopus balls.”

76 “Put on a T-shirt for all I care. It doesn't matter what you wear.” “Of course it matters. He has to wear the smaller checks. Big checks wash him out. Where are you, NAME?”

77 “Ooh, if they have your phone, we can track where they're going. I have ‘Find My Phone’ set up to track you. What? I do that for all my friends, not just you.” “Show me.” “There's no time!”

78 “You okay?” “Yeah, no burns. The doctor said I was lucky my body was so damp.”

79 “You guys have been down here for two hours. What, did you have sex forty times?”

80 “What? You don't need closet space. You have, like, one outfit.”

81 “You just graduated pie school, bitches. [pause] Sorry I said bitches, I'm just really worked up.”

82 “So, I know you're NAME’s best friend, and —“ “Did he/she say that? Did you get that on tape?” “No.” “No, he/she didn't say that or no, you didn't get it on tape? Doesn't matter. Either way, you screwed up big time.”

83 “What you did is the culinary equivalent of unprotected sex.”

84 “That's right. Boom. Just kicked Santa in the testicles.”

85 “No, there's no one in my life. [wink] Sort of a sad thing to wink about, I realize now.”

86 “NAME! Were you dreaming about NAME again?” “Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!”

87 “You used all the touching time, NAME. I get 100% of the goodbye touching time. 100%.”

88 “Do you wanna know why he/she went out with him/her and not you?” “Yeah.” “Because he/she actually asked him/her out.”

89 “NAME, will you taste this batter?” “Mm-hmm. Hmm. I think it's a little off.” “You know what's off? Your mouth! Why NAME lets your stupid tongue anywhere near him/her I'll never know. Nope, I forgot the sugar. That's on me.”

90 “There's no need for NAME to see me unleash the beast.”

Captain Holt

91 “Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun big/little brother/sister?” “Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.”

92 “It's the most fun day of the year. Something you wouldn't understand because you're not programmed to feel joy.” “Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.”

93 “Sticks and stones, NAME.” “Describing your breakfast?”

94 “NAME, how are you feeling?” “Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.” “Smart. Something bland.” “That's my favorite breakfast.”

95 “Joining us for lunch, Sir?” “Oh, no, I've already consumed the required calories for this day period.” “Yummy.”

96 “You all right, NAME? Tough weekend?” “I went to Barbados with my husband/wife. We wove hats out of palm fronds and swam with the stingrays. I've never been happier.”

97 “Maybe I should wing it. Love, it sustains you. It's like oatmeal.” “Okay. Okay. Not bad for winging it.” “I lied. Took me two hours to write that.”

98 “I do not have a problem. If I want to play Kwazy Cupcakes, I will play Kwazy Cupcakes. Kwazy is a difficult word to say in anger, but I think I've made my feelings clear.”

99 “This place is so romantic.” “Yeah, and so intimate.” “Don't worry. I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold but not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.” “Ah, damn it. I just ordered the sea bass.”

100 “Yeah, and your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut, or is it calling someone else a slut?” “Clearly the pineapple is the slut.” “Huh.”

101 “Oh, I've caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.”

102 “So nice of you to greet us, NAME. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.”

103 “So, do you NAME --“ “Yes.” “And do you --“ “Yes. Yes. We do. We're married.”

104 “I mean, don't people call you NAME?” “How dare you.”

105 “So you lied to me? Out of pity. You pity me.” “I wouldn't put it that way.” “I would. I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired. So I'm gonna take a nap, but when I wake up, oh, you are in for it.”

106 “Look at that. You've helped me find my smile.”

107 “Huh. Meat from the street. Sounds like a fun treat. Hah. I'm a poet and ... I didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.”

108 “Oh, look at that. An alert. I'm probably trending already. What? My account has been deactivated?” “Twitter thinks you're a bot.” “Why? I am a human. I am a human male/female.”

109 “Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.” “Call me the devil, NAME? How original.” “Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.”

110 “NAME! I'm coming with you.” “Thank you, NAME.” “I'm also coming.” “Not necessary.”

111 “Spot checks are done. Needless to say I'm thoroughly underwhelmed.” “Huh. From your expression, I would have guessed constipated. Or chilly.”

112 “NAME, you have a pretty low bar for what you consider drama. Once, I used an exclamation point in a email. You called me Diana Ross.” “I assure you, in this case, I do not exaggerate.”

113 “I know they say it's not good to have a TV in the bedroom. Which is why I don't.”

114 “NAME, did you just laugh?” “Uproariously.”

115 “You know when you play along with the robot jokes, it kinda ruins my enjoyment of them?” “Yes, I know.”

116 “And what do you hope to get out of this, NAME? Let me guess revenge on Dorothy for killing your sister?”

117 “It was a good game though for a dumbass.” Okay, you're kinda overusing that one. Maybe switch it up a little bit.” “Oh, good note. You dick.” “That landed good.”

118 “Dancing over. Situation defused.” “No!”

119 “All right, NAME, I'm sick of you wasting time. So, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants and I'm sitting in my underwear. Happy?”

120 “You found me. Drinking seltzer in the shadows.”

Gina

121 “It's a sloppy Jessica. Mac n cheese, chili, pizza on a bun. Its everything I've wanted to eat for the last 48 hours.” “What happened? I thought you were gonna 'last forever bitches.'” “Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.”

122 “If NAME had a twin, he/she would have eaten him/her in the womb.”

123 “Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out. I got to go.” “Aren't you forgetting something?” [person a gives Person b a kiss on the forehead] “Uh no, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?”

124 “The English language can not fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts. So I'm incorporating Emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.”

125 “All right, gang. Diet day 4. How's everyone holding up?” “Honestly, I'm going to last forever. You hear that bitches? I'm gonna last forever.”

126 “If I die, turn my tweets into a book!”

127 “The only reason I didn't tell you is I don't value you as people, so why be honest?”

128 “Breakups are a cartoony thumbs down. They make people feel face-with-Xs-for-the-eyes.”

129 “I'm sorry. I just don't think this is something you're good at.” “What? The only thing I'm not good at is modesty, because I'm great at it.”

130 “Click. I just captured the exact moment you realized you had failed. I guess we all got something out of this.”

131 “It's so addictive, right? I play so much that when I close my eyes at night, I just see cupcakes instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.”

132 “Forget your ex with meaningless sex. It rhymes because it's true.”

133 “NAME. NAME. NAME, I screwed up, big time.” “NAME, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.”

134 “So, talk to me, goose. How are we looking?” “Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard. Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.”

135 “Give me the ring.” “You sound like Gollum.” “That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies, I'm too pretty.”

136 “Oh no, six drink NAME isn't fun. He’s/She's just sad. Damn it!”

137 “I never have second thoughts. That's the luxury of having great first thoughts.”

138 “Ugh, constantly getting NAME’s approval is the worst.” “Yes. I can only imagine.”

139 “You think you can just bully people, but you can't. It's not okay. I'm the bully around here. Ask anyone.”

140 “This just might work out after all.” “You're damn right it will, 'cause we're a ragtag, scrappity, fart-dumb, moron parade, smart-ass team!”

141 “Okay, NAME, stop freaking out. I have the day off. I can step in and help.” “Yeah, me too. I'm not off, but I come and go as I please. It's part of my charm. I'm like an outdoor cat.”

142 “Gina, please keep an eye on NAME today. He's/She’s gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself/herself punched.” “Sure, I'd love to see NAME get punched.” “Try again.” “I will stop NAME from getting punched.” “Correct.”

143 “Oh, I want him/her out. But I'm too scared to tell him/her. “ “All right, listen. I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on —“ “Mm-hmm.”

144 “What are you creeps doing? You made me look away from my phone. You better pray I didn't miss a text.” “In the two seconds you looked away?” “Seventeen texts. All of them important.”

145 “What is my favorite soup?” “Chicken noodle.” “Potato leek.” “Corn frickin' noodle. I mean, chowder, damn it.” “You're all wrong. I've never had soup.” “Don't bother. They all suck.”

146 “Okay, so that plumber was useless. But we are two smart and capable people who can definitely figure out how to fix a toilet.” “Of course we can. The internet will tell us what to do. She always does.”

147 “It's crazy how much he/she flirts with me.”

148 “Good morning.” “For whom?” “For you-m.”

149 “So he/she didn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.” “He's/She’s in a fight club.”

150 “What's up? How can I help?” “Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together the Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia.” “But never to a friend's house, huh?” “Uncalled for.”

Amy

151 “That stuff with us is in the past. We talked about that.” “I know, but that was before you saw me in this dope ass tux. I mean you must be freaking out.” “Oh, I really am. I'm really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them.”

152 “You know, we're birds of a feather, you and I.” “I hate cliches.” “Cliches are the worst.”

153 “And now I don't know what to do.” “I think you do know what to do.” “Thanks, NAME.” [leaves the room] “I have no idea what he’s/she's gonna do but that's the safest way to give NAME advice.” “Yep.”

154 “Insult me all you want, for I have only this to say —“ “Victory shall be mine!” “I heard you practicing in the shower. You can't surprise me. Letting me into your life was the worst mistake you ever made.” “Cool, fun take on our relationship.”

155 “NAME, where you at?” “Four drinks.” “What's four-drink NAME again?” “Why don't you come over here and find out?” “Right, Horny NAME”

156 “I'm sorry. We only excluded you because you're kind of an over-texter.” “Over-texter? That's not even a thing.” “Oh really? So you don't remember the time you sent 97 unanswered texts in a five-minute span?” “My phone vibrated itself off the desk. I think it was committing suicide.”

157 “What the hell? I used NAME's exact recipe. I know I'm not a great cook, but I love following instructions.”

158 “What's going on? Is this a dream? No, I'm not holding a label maker.”

159 “My power went out last night and my alarm didn't go off.” “Your alarm is power dependent? You brought this on yourself, son.”

160 “I'd also like to apologize for my friend. His /Her parents didn't give him/her enough attention.”

161 “I'm in! A bet which improves someone's manners? Double score.”

162 “He’s/She's scared.” “He’s/She's not scared. With all due respect, NAME, NAME has no feelings.”

163 “I'm so cold even my fiery dance moves aren't keeping me warm.”

164 “I'm sorry. I tried to be myself and they hated it.”

165 “All right, someone's gotta go out there and kill that feathery bastard. NAME, you're always looking for an excuse to behead something.”

Sergeant Jeffords

166 “It was like taking candy from a baby.” “Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!”

167 “I was raised on disco. Little NAME loved to hustle.”

168 “Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?” [Scoffs] “No.” “Lie.” “All right, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.” “She makes all of us feel things!”

169 “Urgh, what's in these?” “Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.” “Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders. Of course they're interchangeable.” “Yeah.”

170 “I warned you against using donuts. They're my trigger food.”

171 “Hey, NAME, you know how you're really good at doodling?” “I know you think you're complimenting me, but calling them doodles is an insult. You a big fan of Picasso's doodles?”

172 “Your tone's braggy but your words are real sad.”

173 “See, NAME? Tough love works.” “Damn it! NAME proved the wrong point.”

174 “Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.” “I don't know why this is happening.” “NAME, I love it. Everyone follow his/her lead!”

175 “Everything's spoiled. My lunch is ruined. My chicken, my potatoes, pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt.” “Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.” “I love yogurt.”

176 “Kind of seemed like you were gonna get up and leave after saying all that.” “I was, but I think I hear NAME.”

177 “You better look cute in this picture, or no one's gonna want you. Do something with your damn paws!”

178 “My tolerance has really changed since I had kids!”

179 “I'm hungry!” “Oh, you're in luck; the fanny pack is filled with granola.” “Mmm! Loose granola.” “I don't want fanny granola! I want steaks and whiskey!”

180 “You probably can't tell, but I'm flexing my brain like crazy right now.”

181 “What's that smell? That's lavender. NAME loves lavender.”

182 “Okay. Excuse me. Can we please eat? My body is starting to digest itself. NAME needs nutrients!”

183 “Don't look at me. NAME wastes all that time building muscles, make him do it.” “Oh, come on, you all know these are just for show.”

184 “Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch. You just ruined my life. I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your face.” “Nothing to see here. Just a little hypoglycaemic rage. Move along.”

185 “I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!”

Hitchcock

186 “NAME, why do you have your shirt off?” “Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.”

187 “What bet? What are you guys talking about?” “Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doing all day?!” “Nothing. Why, you want to hang out?”

188 “So you just want us to lie on the ground and do nothing like a bunch of losers?” “Yes, precisely.” “No!” “Jackpot!”

189 “I don't like it. Something stinks.” “Well, I'm sorry, but I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.”

190 “My God. NAME, are you the only person still making sense?” “Yeah. It's bad.”

191 “All right, food is ready, decorations are set, guests should start arriving any moment, and the chairs are still perfection.” “He/She said they're perfection. I'm so proud of you, buddy.” “It was you. You made this happen.”

192 “Who do you think it's gonna be?” “I've no idea.” “I bet it's me. I just hope I'm ready.”

193 “Okay, look, this was maybe a weird way to start the night, but the good news is, we can still make our dinner reservation and no one got hurt.” “Actually, I cut myself real bad.” “Of course you did.”

Scully

194 “Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?” “Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, NAME.” “Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em ‘oopsies’.”

195 “I miss my home chair.” “You miss a chair?”

196 “Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, NAME?” “I thought they'd make good confetti.” “Why?”

197 “All right, anyone else have questions? NAME, NAME, you've been weirdly silent.” “We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.”

198 “Okay, first of all, I want to say that this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. There is so much talent in this room.” “Just tell us, bitch. Act as if you already have the role.”

199 “I'll be back. Don't move.” “Not a problem. I hate moving.”

200 “Where should we begin? Do you have any experience with puzzles?” “Yes. I've never solved one.”

[needloveandpositivity]

It's been described as the worst year of my life packed into 3 or 4 months. And it has been. 2020 was so good for us. We grew closer in our relationship. I knew quarantine was either going to make or break us, and we are doing so well together. I love him with all my heart. But there's so much going on, I'm so exhausted.

We became really close with his aunt and uncle over the summer. We visited often, they came to visit here, it was a good relationship. His aunt became a confidant for me. We could talk about anything. Then his uncle decided to fuck off. Left with no warning. They had 1 fight and he was gone. Aunt was heart broken. My man went to pick up uncle, because my man has a huge heart. It felt like we got shoved in the middle of their separation. Aunt vented to me often about uncle. Trashing him left right and center. I didn't really like him in the first place, but he's family, I gotta tolerate him. But it's so hard to stay neutral. Not even a week after he left, he started seeing another woman. A woman who he had already cheated on aunt with in the past.

I did my best to keep aunts head level, so she wouldn't call, text, email, what ever this lady to try and ruin uncles set up he had. She was so angry. So bitter. And I understood 100%, I think her feelings were justified. He left her. Again. 3rd time he walked out on her because she was trying to help him sort himself out.

My birthday, I get a text message, my man's great aunt had passed away. The woman that uncle was living with passed away suddenly in her sleep. She wasn't a super healthy woman, I understand she had cancer and diabetes, she had basically given up. But she seemed to be doing well, all things considered. We had just seen her the weekend before, she was happy, joking with us. And suddenly, gone. In a text message. We went to see my family that weekend, my dad and my brothers birthdays are all around mine as well, so we were going to celebrate together. I let my parents know, my man's great aunt has passed away quite suddenly. No response. No, "I'm sorry for your loss" no "wow that's terrible, my condolences" nothing. Just oh, yeah I overheard your man say it to his mom earlier. Thanks.

I had 3 weeks off work between contracts. I tried to use that time to organize the apartment, sort things to sell/give away, but Toronto was shutting down again for lock down, so I couldn't really do much with the things I didn't want anymore. So I'm still sitting on those boxes.

The 3rd week, my man's mom came to visit for a few days, which was nice. Her and I get along really well. We went to pet smart, went for a walk, hung out, it was nice. But she left in the middle of the night, no text, no explanation. Just gone. I woke up the next morning looking for her, assuming she went out to smoke, and I couldn't find her. She must have noticed I was active on Facebook, because she messaged me like 20 minutes later, said her gut told her to go home, so she did. At like 3am.

Like a week or 2 later she starts getting all distant, hardly responding to me, not giving me solid answers about Christmas plans, just keeps saying what ever. I asked her if something was wrong and she just kept saying no. It was like this for like a week or two and she just kept getting more and more snippy with me. So I finally asked my man like is your mom mad at me or something. But he's like no no she's fine she loves you why would she be mad at you, what could you possibly have done? And that's what I was wondering too, like, what can I do? What have I done?

Finally, she tells my man that she was upset with me, she thought I didn't want to see her on Christmas. That she was just an after thought. Because I offered to see her all day on December 26th. She took offense to December 26th because in her mind, December 26th is the left over day. The day that people who don't matter get. In my family, December 25 and December 26 hold the same value. We always switched back and forth with my moms family and my dads family for Christmas day and boxing day. This Christmas, with the covid rules and everything, my dads family was going to visit on the 27th, just a few of them, and mom's side was going to do Christmas day, since it was their turn anyways. So the 26th was completely free, and I wanted to give MIL our undivided attention. No rushing to another dinner, she gets the day. But she didn't want that. She wanted Christmas day. But she wouldn't communicate that to me so that we could arrange that for her.. so she thought I didn't want to see her. That she didn't matter. And she got all angry and distant about it without just telling me.

We finally got it sorted out, Christmas was super messy, my moms parents were being over the top about Christmas plans, they ended up canceling everything, and we ended up being able to see MIL on Christmas day after all. The whole time we were down there, I was anxious and uncomfortable. Trying to please everybody at the same time, and it was never enough. Nobody was ever satisfied by the time we could or could not spend with them.

Then, the 27th in the evening we had Christmas with my man's dad. Uncle was there. With this new woman. No heads up, we just walked in, and there she is. No introduction or nothing. Just hey welcome to Christmas dinner, have a seat. Like what? He knew we still spoke with aunt. He knew how heart broken she was. And now flaunting this new girlfriend at us???? I felt completely disrespected. Like he did it to get a rise out of me. Like he did it so that I would tell aunt and put fuel on the fire. He did it to make it hurt for us to tell aunt.

I was so excited to finally go home.

January 4th. One of the worst days of my life. I'm working from home, any normal day. And I get a text message from my best friends son. My best friend has tragically died of a stroke this weekend. I can feel my soul being torn to shreds. I screamed and cried for hours. I was able to calm myself just long enough to send an email to my boss, let him know what happened and i will be signed off for the rest of the day. My mom gave me a call as soon as she found out, one of her friends found out because she used to work with my best friend. She called me, and immediately she knew that I knew. I told her who told me, and I sobbed. She didn't stay on the line for very long. Just told me that if all I'm going to do is sit there and cry, then she's going to go because she had things to do. I wanted to tell her to fuck off right then and there. But I just said k and hung up. I called my man so he knew I wasn't working, that I wasn't okay. He hurried home that afternoon.

January was a rough, rough month. I felt right on the edge of crying every single day. I couldn't make phone calls without bursting into tears. I spent so much time just staring at the wall. I smoked so much weed just so I could get through an hour without crying. My eyes, my nose, my throat, my soul hurt just existing. Weed gave me that temporary relief.

Just when I started pulling myself together, making it through a day without sobbing, my dad texts me. My great aunt has passed away. At this point, I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel. I'm just angry all the time. It's either nothing, or angry. There's no in between.

February I start to realize I'm really not okay. And I haven't actually been okay for a while. I haven't done laundry properly since well before Christmas. The apartment is a mess. And more and more often I'm thinking about walking out into the street just to hope someone will run me over. Then maybe someone will notice and understand how very not okay I am. Maybe I'll die? Is that really the worst thing that could happen?

I finally called my doctor when I started having some really physical symptoms. Thinking about my best friend, thinking about aunt and uncle fighting, thinking about MIL, thinking about anything remotely stressful or disappointing would make me shake. Like an uncontrollable shiver starting deep in my chest. Come to find out that's called heart palpitations. I've also been having these attacks, Ill be sitting on the couch, or fucking sleeping, and I'll wake up with a pain in my lower abdomen, super dizzy, nauseous, light headed. I sit in the bathroom and wait to either throw up, or pass out. Neither happen, and after about 20 minutes it subsides, I'm exhausted and I go back to sleep. My heart rate gets so high, so consistently during this time that my fitbit has started recording it as exercise.

I'm scared, obviously, that something might be seriously wrong with me. The nurse that I speak to on the phone doesn't think there's anything to worry about. She says it's just anxiety, she will book me in next week to be put on medication. At this point I'm not entirely convinced it's "just anxiety", so I made an appointment with a counselor. Even if it is "just anxiety" this is far more intense than i have EVER experienced in my life, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety/depression since I was like 13.

My mom doesn't care. I told her what was happening and she just said, I'm sure you're fine. I am super duper absolutely not fine. I haven't thought about dying in YEARS. The last time I thought about it was when I told my parents I was bi and my mom tried to leave. Went upstairs, packed a bag, and walked out the door. My dad chased her down and got her to come back in but like, what the fuck.

I'm almost 1 week on trintellix, I have to get bloodwork done this week to make sure these fun, awesome, never before seen symptoms are in fact just anxiety, and I see the cousellor next week to hopefully figure out what's going on and how to get through this.

I have plans, goals. My man and I are talking about getting married in 2022. Talking about buying a home in 2024. Children? Maybe. But I'd like to be around here to meet them.

So, here I am. I have people who listen, but I feel like I just rant at one friend way too much, and she's sick of me. Another friend that changes the subject when I get sad. Another who has told me she's sick of people venting to her, because she has her own mental health to deal with. And my man doesn't know how to help me. He tries, he really does. But he has bad days too, and I cannot help him while I'm down here. I can't pick him up while I'm still down.

I just need someone to listen. Someone to hear me rant and vent and get things off my chest. Because if I don't, I know I'm going to drown down here.

If you're willing and able to reach out, please do. If not, this will be the blog that I journal in, I guess. Where I write down everything that I want to talk to my best friend about. I know she can't respond, but I'm sure she's up there watching me, and I hope she's reading this to know that I'm trying. I'm getting help. I'm trying to get better, so I can do better.

[deans-baby-momma]

Mommy’s (Not So) Good Girl-20

A/N: Only 5 more chapters after this one and GREAT NEWS!!!Only 5 more day of September so I will be posting a chapter a day until Sept. 30th. Then I am going on a small hiatus (again) to try and cope with this new “illness” and all it’s lovely side effects. 

I look at Dean wide-eyed as my mom’s voice sounds through the door. He jumps off the bed and I quickly crawl back under my comforter, pulling it up to my chest. 

“Yea Mom,” Abby says, her voice shaking. “Come on in.”

Mom opens the door and I can tell when she realizes that Dean is in my room. She looks at him shocked and stops halfway in.

“What are you doing in here?” she asks him.

“I wanted to make sure she was okay. I saw a dispute between her and that Coleman boy. I wanted to find out what that was about,” Dean explains and it looks as though my Mom buys it because she smiles sweetly at him and then continues on into my room.

“That’s sweet of him, isn’t it Abs?”

“Ye-yea,” I stutter out. “He’s a good stepdad.”

“Can I have a few minutes with her?” My mom asks as she looks at Dean. He nods and heads out the door, looking back over his shoulder at me once he is behind her. 

“What’s up Mom?” I ask as soon as he is out of sight.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry that your friend couldn’t make it tonight.”

“Huh?” I ask, confused.

“Your friend who you call ‘Daddy’.” she says, with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “You did invite him, didn’t you?” 

“Oh. Yea, I called him but he had to work,” I lie through my teeth. “It’s okay. It’s no big deal.”

“It was nice of Dean to give you a kiss at midnight though, wasn’t it?” she asks as she sits in the very same spot he had taken just ten minutes ago. “He really watches out for you and Ben. I think he’d make an excellent stepdad.” She pauses and then adds, “and a wonderful dad.”

I feel sick to my stomach! Is she insinuating what I think she is?!

“Mom, are you pregnant?”

“What?” she laughs as she answers. “No. I’m not pregnant. But the thought has crossed my mind. Dean lost so much when his brother died. He is the last living member of his immediate family. I just think it’d be nice to give him someone to carry on the Winchester name.”

‘Oh my god!’ I think to myself. ‘Mom is actually considering carrying Dean’s child! No, no no!’

“Yea, that would be nice. But-” I pause to be able to word my inquiry correctly. “Does Dean want kids? I mean sure he is awesome with me and with Ben but does he want his own?”

“I don’t know,” Mom says. “But if it were to happen, he’d have to be happy about it, right?”

“Mom, you cannot get pregnant without talking about it with him first.”

Mom sighs and then her shoulders slump. “Yea, you’re right. What was I thinking?!”

I breathe in relief that it seems that she has decided to forgo her plan of “accidentally” getting pregnant. 

I couldn't go to sleep after Mom dropped that bombshell. 

What was she thinking?! Did she actually believe Dean would be happy if she were to get pregnant? Would he? I know for a fact that they use protection, so he is trying not to knock her up right?

During Thanksgiving I had found an empty condom wrapper in her trashcan as I was gathering up the garbage in the house so I knew Dean, at least, had been thorough and had wrapped up.

I lay in bed,  staring up at the ceiling,  trying my best not to think of Dean impregnating my mother. That would just be so wrong!

Hopefully I talked some sense into her and she won't proceed with her nefarious and outrageous plan. I can only hope that if she were to get pregnant that it is after some honest discussion with the man and that he was on board with the idea as well.

Although, I don't think Dean is actually ready to settle down and have his own family.

Yes, he a excellent role model for Ben and the whole neighborhood thinks he and Mom are perfect for each other, they don't know he's also fucking me. Not so ideal now, is he?

VALENTINE'S DAY

Once again the campus is inundated with decorations. Big, red floating hearts seem to be posted everywhere, along with cutouts of that stupid baby with the bow and arrow and balloons seemingly come out of nowhere, getting right in the way.

Why college students insist on celebrating this holiday is beyond me. It's just another excuse to get drunk and try to bang someone. So many of my classmates throughout the last couple of years have had to pull back on their studies or completely drop out because a good Valentine romp ended up with a nice little surprise come Thanksgiving; a surprise in the form of a cute little baby.

I refuse to be one of those girls who get so blindly drunk she succumbs to the lame attempts by fellow college guys and 9 months later, alone and with a child to care for.

I swat away at the millionth red bag of air as my phone pings in my hand.  I look at the screen and smile when I see 'Daddy' has sent me a message.

>Happy Valentine's Day sweetheart 

>>Happy Valentine's Day Daddy. I miss you.

>God, I miss you too. My party was boring without you here.

Mom had thrown Dean a surprise birthday party at the end of January but I'd had a big exam to prep for so I couldn't make it home to attend.

>>I'm sorry. I had to study. I'll make it up to you, I promise. 

>How about today? Right now?

>>Now?

>Look up.

My head jerks up and there he is! I look around and my eyes fall on that black muscle car I remember from my childhood. The one that's been parked in the garage at home for months; Dean's excuse to spend time with Ben fixing it up and keeping it running.

Leaning against the top of the shiny ebony vehicle is the man who plagues my dreams, at night and during the day.  The way the sun shines creates a flawless glow around his head, almost like a halo. I smile as I cross the street toward him.

"What are you doing here?" I can’t help but to ask, but secretly giddy that he is here.

"Couldn't let today pass by without seeing you Abby. Thought you might allow me to take you to lunch, show me around your 'home away from home'," he says as I step toward him and he opens his arms. I gladly walk right into his embrace,  moving my books to one arm. 

I want to tiptoe and kiss him but I don't want anyone seeing anything that would raise questions, inquiries I didn't want to answer. Right now,  a hug looks innocent. Just a guy hugging a girl in greeting.

“Sure,” I say as I smile up at him. “I was just gonna drop my books off in my room and then go to the food cart down the way. C’mon.”

As we walk toward my dorm, I can’t help but feel special, feel important. Dean took the day to come an hour away to see me, on the day of love no less. Wait, does that mean what I think it means? Is there a more significant reason he is here? Is he here to declare feelings for me? 

I shake those thoughts from my head, determined not to question his visit but just enjoy it. So what if he drove almost 70 miles? He does it because he cares. Nothing more than that. I’m not going to scrutinize it; no, I’m going to enjoy the few hours I get to spend with the man. What’s that old saying, ‘don't look a gift horse in the mouth’? Yea I’m not going to do that.

When we get my dorm room, I unlock the door and walk in, holding it open so he can follow. Thank goodness Sheila isn’t here because I really don’t want to share any time I get to spend with Dean with anyone else. For a few hours today, he is mine.

Placing my books on my desk, I turn to see Dean looking around the room with his head nodding slightly. 

“So, you want to go with me to the food cart or-” I say nervously. Wait, why the hell am I nervous? Oh yea, that’s right; there is a bed not even 5 feet away and the man I have dreamed of being in that bed right there. My dream could actually come through. Getting back on track, I clear my throat. “-we could go to the cafe across campus. It’s a bit of a walk but it’s decent outside today. You know, for the middle of February in the north.”

“Yea we can do that baby,” he says with a smirk. “As soon as you tell me what’s wrong. You’re acting all shifty. Should I have called first? Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?” He quirks and eyebrow at me.

I giggle and respond. “Uh, no.  No date. Just you’re in my room. And my bed is-” I explain as I point toward the furniture. “-is right here. I’ve dreamed of you and me in that bed, ya know.”

Dean steps closer and I can see the humor of the situation on his face. “And? What are we doing in the bed?”

I feel a flush come up my neck. Why am I embarrassed now? It’s not like we haven’t done it. “Fucking,” I answer honestly, which earns me a wide smile from the man in front of me.

“Well, how long will your roommate be gone?”

“Couple hours, I think.”

“Okay, so what do you say we go grab a bite to eat and then come back and make those dreams come true?”

Finally feeling bold again, I rip my sweater over my head and say, “Why wait?”

Dean hurriedly jerks his shirt off and I watch in awe. He unbuttons his jeans and pulls them down his legs before standing up again. This man is going to be the death of me.

“I need you Abby,” is all he says before I rush him, tackling him to the mattress.

@lostinaseaoffictionalbliss​ @spnbaby-67​ @tftumblin​ @sea040561​ @delightfullykrispypeach​ @larajadeschmidt13​ @vicariouslythruspn​ @squirrelnotsam​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @sandlee44​ @blacktithe7​ @deanwanddamons​ @hoboal87​ @marvelfanbrenda​ @vicmc624​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @elliloumom @stoneyggirl​  @kricketc29​

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Eight

Previous Chapter Here

Warning: Language. NSFW. Unprotected sex (be careful guys)

Notes: Apologies this is a little (a lot) longer than planned, but hope you enjoy it!

CHAPTER EIGHT

Chris knew this would more than likely be the last time he would see his friends for a while. The reshoots loomed ever closer, the knot in his stomach was getting tighter, and he was growing more and more unnerved at the prospect of what was lying ahead of him. He was determined to make the most of this night as much as he physically could.

He showered and made himself vaguely presentable, ignoring the navy Chanel sweater and trousers that had arrived earlier that morning and opting instead for a plain white tee and jeans. His favourite red belt made a special appearance. He began regretting his decision to allow his management team to redecorate his pad in order to make it “friendlier on the eye” as soon as he took stock of his open lounge. They’d shifted some of the furniture around, added some fresh flowers and balloons here and there, and taken down the photograph of a family trip to Disney that used to be hanging in the entrance hallway. There was also a distinctly sweet and fragrant smell of freesias wafting through the air. It smelled like Springtime and positivity. He hated it.

Just a few “unfiltered” photographs, they said. Nothing too intrusive of stressful. Now, however, they were looking to cover up the potential fall-out from his fling with Jenny after she’d helpfully announced the day before that she was starting divorce proceedings. Matt had taken to messaging him at half-hour intervals to remind him his house needed to be bustling with as many people as possible even if he didn’t know them all personally. He needed to look carefree, he was instructed, and unbothered by whatever may be going on in somebody else’s private life because it had nothing to do with him, right? Maybe flirt a little bit. Bring out the “big guns” and the Boston “bro” personality his fans loved to see. For God’s sake, just try to look as single as possible.

People weren’t due to start arriving until 7 but it didn’t stop Chris from drinking almost as soon as he had woken up, calling on Scott and a couple of his oldest pals to come and join him for some pre-party beers. 

“Woah.” said Gary, walking in closely behind Scott, carrying a crate of Budweiser. He rook one exaggerated sniff of the perfumed air surrounding him. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say we’d come to the wrong place!”

“Are we allowed to touch anything?” joked Scott, mocking him by tip-toeing in past the guys.

“Don’t ask. Just do whatever you like, please. I need it to at least feel like it’s still my home.” Chris scratched his head in disbelief. It looked more like something featured on the ‘gram of a would-be influencer than the home of a 30-something bachelor who had no time for soft furnishings and Feng Shui.

“Bro, it’s your birthday! You could at least look happy about it.”

Chris wasn’t drunk enough to muster much more than a half-smile at his brother at that point but figured a few more beers might encourage him to lighten up. He must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. He was about to follow the lads into his kitchen when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. If it was Matt bugging him one more time, he swore he’d throw the phone out of the window.

     Unknown 1.09pm

     Happy birthday sweetie. Can’t wait to see you again x

“Who’s that?” said Scott as he emerged from the kitchen, beer in hand.

Chris just shook his head. “I have absolutely no idea.”

Gradually as the hours passed by, a steady stream of people started making their presence known. Most parties Chris threw rarely went off as originally organised but he didn’t much care. It was always implied that his downtown apartment had an open-door policy when it came to friends and family turning up unannounced. Hell, many would stay for days at a time and he wouldn’t care. If he was holding a party or a game night, people could just show up whenever they felt like it even if Chris himself wasn’t awake or ready to greet them in person. 

The vibe soon started picking up and the music was louder now. Scott had made various playlists and was doing the duty of hosting people better than Chris, who had been glued to his phone on and off for most of the afternoon. More and more of his friends arrived with their partners and Chris would give them a bro-shake but pretty much leave them to it. It was...odd. He wasn’t sure what was going on but he was growing concerned that his brother wasn’t much enjoying his birthday celebrations. The table in the hallway was rife with gifts and cards, and the beer and alcohol levels were not in danger of diminishing any time soon. Chris had gone overboard on catered food but he himself had yet to touch anything. That was a danger sign, Scott thought. Last thing he needed was a drunk and melancholy actor on his hands this earlier in the evening. Thankfully, Chris perked up as soon as he saw his mom and Shanna arrive, and Scott breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hello darling. Happy birthday!” Lisa called out to him and embraced him in a typical motherly hug, all stretched arms and smiles, running her hand under his chin as he pulled away. “How is everything?”

“Yeh, all good. Thanks mom. You look great!” Chris moved in to kiss her on the cheek again before pulling back to allow Scott his turn. “Wow, Shan, I really didn’t think you could make that shade of yellow look even more grotesque but you did it!”

When she was sure Lisa couldn’t see her, Shanna flipped him the bird. Chris feigned offense before wrapping his arm tightly around her shoulders and walking her towards the lounge. “Baby sis, you can’t be mean to me on my birthday.”

“Ugh...I really can’t handle you when I don’t have a drink in my hand.”

“Then let’s fix that!”

Chris shifted past a few friends, all greeting him and patting him on the back as he and his sister moved by. Several faces he didn’t recognise so Matt would be proud of him, he thought. “So, is Sarah travelling separate to you guys?” Chris asked, finally taking one of the wrapped boxed out of his mom’s hands.

“I think so. Do you want these in the fridge or in the pantry for later?” Lisa asked indicating the cupcakes she’d been asked to pick up on the way over.

“Um, just leave them there for now, it’s fine.”

Before he got a chance to speak to his mother again, it was too late. He watched as she was grabbed by Josh and his new girlfriend and started to make her way around her son’s oldest friends, greeting them all as though she hadn’t seen them in years. Shanna reappeared next to him, rifling through the bottles of vodka until she landed on her favourite. 

“Is Sarah not coming then?” Chris asked, more concerned this time than no one seemed to know exactly where she was.

“Not if you’re going to continue being a dick to her, she’s not.” Shanna turned around to Chris’s fridge and began perusing the selection of mixers. “Where’s the cranberry juice?”

“It’s inside the door.” He responded. Shanna couldn’t see for looking but finally located the carton of juice and poured a fraction of what she needed into the glass before topping it up with a very generous amount of vodka. “I was kind hoping to apologise to her in person actually. Is she still really upset? She hasn’t answered my texts.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well, you were out of like, Chris. But yes, she’ll be here, I’m sure. I think she just had something to do first.”

Chris knew Shanna was hiding something from him. She was a terrible liar.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He grabbed the glass from her hands. “I am not looking after you tonight.”

“Don’t worry, Grandpa. I’ll make sure she gets home safe.” Scott reappeared alongside them, merrier than before and holding a small plate of food for Chris. “Why don’t you ‘mingle’ mingle? Your audience awaits, kind Sir.”

Just as Chris was about to protest, his phone vibrated again in his pocket.

Unknown 9.22pm

I hope you’re having a great time tonight. The party looks amazing! Can’t wait to catch up with you properly x

*

At some point around 10pm, Chris escaped. He retreated to his little hideout behind a tree that gave him a clear view of his property without the pressure of being spotted by anyone inside. His phone had buzzed a couple more times and he was now sure if was Jenny reaching out to him. She’d been leaving little heart emojis on some photographs that had already appeared online. He felt a little sick and just needed to get away from the crowds, now tipsier than he was, annoyingly. He took the cigarette he’d bunged from a friend and lit it, savouring the feeling. In that moment was possibly the calmest he’d felt all day.

“Who are you hiding from, birthday boy?” Chris knew it would be Scott who would find him eventually.

Chris shrugged. “No one. Just needed the air.”

“Yeh right. Mom knows you smoke by the way. No point hiding it now.” Scott took the cigarette and took a slow drag before handing it back to him. “Zach hates me smoking inside.”

“Is that why you started running?” Chris smirked.

“Running’s healthy. It’s all about balance.” Scott observed his brother for a moment. “What’s going on? You’ve been quiet all day. You’ve only had, what, three beers? That’s not like you.”

Chris shrugged unconvincingly, avoiding eye contact before his phone buzzed again. He quickly dove into his pocket to grab it but shifted uncomfortably when he saw who it was.

“Somebody’s keen.” Scott didn’t need to ask to know who it was. He could read his brother like a book. “Can’t believe she hasn’t got the message by now.” Scott continued to eye him, unsure of what was going through his head. “That’s not what’s got you down, is it? There’s nothing going on, is there?”

Chris glanced at his brother and shook his head. He knew he’d been caught out and at this point he was too tired to deny it. “I still haven’t heard from Sarah. I’ve tried apologising and it’s like she’s just ghosting me or something.”

“Stop being melodramatic. She lives with your sister. She’s not “ghosting” you, you dick.” His attempt to lighten the mood between them fell flat and he realised humour was going to be wasted on Chris this evening. “She’s got a lot on her plate right now, what with Charlotte and work and everything. Just give her a break, OK? It’s a tricky think she’s trying to navigate here.”

“I don’t know about that.” He shook his head slowly, crushing the cigarette under his shoe. “I said she was being ungrateful.”

Scott sighed. “Well, that’ll explain it. Hey, remember when Shan was a teenager and she got all those letters out of the blue?” Chris nodded at the distant memory. “I think the one thing we need to keep in mind here, with Sarah, is that she chose to reach back. She’s doing things her way and no one is forcing her. That’s gotta be a positive, right?”

*

Sarah felt like an idiot. She had no one to blame but herself. She couldn’t even lean on Shanna for support right now and she didn’t want to disturb Audrey at this hour if she was mid-celebration with Michael. She threw her coat on the stand and stood in the hallway of her apartment, bag swinging low. She kicked off her shoes and took off her tights to feel the coolness of the floor on the soles of her feet. It was a small comfort. The text message was still showing on her phone that was grasped in her hand as if she hadn’t been staring at it for the past three hours.

Charlotte 7.52pm

I’m so sorry. I thought I could do this. Please forgive me.

Sarah had decided to arrive at the venue a little earlier than they’d agreed to meet. She didn’t know what she was planning on doing by deciding that but she just knew she couldn’t sit around the flat any longer, her stomach was tied in knots. She hadn’t eaten much of anything that day but claimed she was saving herself for the extensive catering Chris would no doubt have laid on now that his guest list had multiplied.

She had spent some time getting ready with Shanna and Lisa but left her hair and make-up quite simple figuring she could add to it on the way to the party later on. She didn’t want to make an unfair first impression on Charlotte. She knew she didn’t want to look like she was a party girl but equally so, she didn’t want to appear to have given too much thought to what she was wearing to meet her in the first place. She wanted to remain as casual as possible which was some kind of weird irony given what was taking place.

She managed to make a relatively quiet exit as Lisa was helping zip up the back of Shanna’s jumpsuit telling them she’d be there as soon as she could. They didn’t ask her any questions. She just left and got into the cab that was waiting for her around the corner. A little under fifteen minutes later, she was outside the bar, trying to regulate her breathing. Maybe Charlotte was already inside? Maybe she had had the exact same thought and was having one for courage before they met? That thought made her laugh a little. She opened the door and gave her name to the rep who proceeded to show her to a nice booth in the far corner. Charlotte hadn’t arrived after all but Sarah had a clear eye on the door, as much good as it did her.

She poured herself another glass and wiped at the tears in her eyes. She couldn’t believe she had been reduced to crying over someone she had never met. She couldn’t believe she had allowed herself to assume everything would work out despite evidence to the contrary.

Everyone was right. She was a fool.

She heard the door go but couldn’t face seeing Shanna. She swiped at her face as much as she could, trying to remove any and all hints of her crying. Shanna told her once she was jealous of how she could cry without her skin getting all red and blotchy.

She clocked the time and realised it was perhaps a little too early for her to be coming home unless Scott had shoved her into a taxi, which wouldn’t have surprised her. Loud music and a free bar were Shan’s undoing. She composed herself and waiting for Shanna to appear in the doorway, worse for wear, but everything had gone silent. Sarah got up and walked out of the kitchen, not sure what to expect but certainly not expecting to find Chris stood with his back against the foot, keys dangling between his fingers. He seemed smaller somehow.

His expression briefly turned towards guilt when he noticed she had been crying. He made a move towards her before ultimately deciding against it, preferring to remain still in her hallway. He looked awkward which was a feat in itself for someone who always seemed so...cool, she thought. It didn’t last long, though, a steeliness soon returning to his eyes.

“Hey,” said Sarah diffusing the silence. She suddenly became hyper-aware she was in the Chanel dress he’d given her to wear for his birthday party, the party she should have been at hours ago but instead chose to blow off carelessly in favour of meeting somebody who really shouldn’t have mattered. Shit, she thought. She was a terrible friend. “I’m so sorry, Chris. I really don’t know wh-”

“-You know, I could have done with seeing you there, Sarah. It’s been a fucking terrible day, I’ve had my team hounding me over this Jenny bullshit and having my friends around me would have made all the difference.”

“I just,” she wasn’t sure where to go from here. He’d become so cold in the last few moments. She wasn’t really expecting it but knew she’d pushed her luck a little too much this evening. “I had something I needed to do first, and-”

“I don’t ask for much from my family but the one thing I do expect is that they turn up when they say they’re gonna turn up. You understand me? It’s my fuckin’ birthday after all and you couldn’t even manage that.” He moved past her, ignoring the tears now burning at the corners of her eyes.

“Alright Chris, you’ve made your point.” she whispered. The room felt too small and Chris looked like he’d grown a foot out of pure frustration. She just wanted to go to bed and forget this day ever happened or at least get Chris to leave so she could feel pathetic in peace.

She could detect a faint small of tobacco coming from his breath now he was standing closer to her. “What was so important that you couldn’t make it? Must have been amazing to blow us off like that and please don’t tell me it was Greg. I didn’t think you of all people would sack family off for some fuck you’re ambivalent about at best.”

She felt like a scolded child. Actually, no, it felt worse than that. It felt like he was picking at her, trying to get some kind of reaction out of her but what that reaction was, she didn’t know. She took a breath and calmed herself. Her hands were shaking. She was pretty sure he noticed now.

“It wasn’t like that,” she said, as calmly as possible. “I’ve said I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, OK? Your family and friends were there and I was planning on dropping by.” She pleaded, her tone striving to be a little more even. She figured if she tried reasoning with him instead of pushing back it might allow them both to get out of this unscathed but he just scoffed.

“Dropping by? Well, gee, thank you for making me an afterthought, Sarah. I really appreciate that.”

“It’s not just you that’s had a crap night, OK?” She shouted before reigning herself in. She really didn’t want to fall out with him on top of everything else. “We all have shit to deal with. At least people turned up to see you. They care about you. They didn’t just leave you hanging around, wondering what you’d done wrong.”

Chris looked confused. He signed and placed his hands on his hips, unsure of what his next move would be. “What’s going on?”

She could feel herself tearing up again, her face getting hotter by the second. She hated crying in front of people and it invariably gave her a headache, one she’d most likely fail to overcome before bedtime. “I arranged to meet her this evening. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone until I’d seen her at least once but, um, she didn’t show.”

For once, Chris didn’t have any answers. If he had been thoughtful instead of the selfish asshole he recognised himself to be, he would have known to have shut his goddamn mouth. “Fuck, Sarah. I...I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.” He took another step closer to her but she made no effort to react towards him. “You don’t deserve this.”

Sarah audibly scoffed. “Well, that’s a maybe. But hey, look, happy birthday! Looks like you were right all along! I’ll make sure to wrap it next time.”

“If I’d have known what you’ve been through today, I would have shut my mouth. You’re one of my best friends and I was just thinking of myself, like always.” He leaned against the doorframe and Sarah recognised how pathetic they both looked in that second.

“What kind of person do you have to be to reject someone twice?” Sarah whispered to herself more than anything. She gently banged her head against the doorframe in thought. She wasn’t looking for a response.

Silence passed between them for what felt like hours. They were good at being quiet around each other, neither feeling the need to dispel energy and not caring what the other was doing but this didn’t feel like those times before. She glanced across the doorway at him but didn’t recognise what was looking back at her so intently. He looked like he’d been suspended in motion and if it wasn’t for her tapping her foot on the wall behind her, she would have thought she had, too. Everything just seemed a little fuzzy now and there was a headache threatening her from behind her eyes.

Before she could move again, Chris had crossed what little space there was between them and went for her, his hands grabbing her face and pulling her into him. It was messy at first, their lips slightly out of line with each other and she couldn’t think, she couldn’t breathe. He’d taken the breath straight from her, it felt like. The only thing she could do in that moment was to grab back at his hands that were holding her face but she didn’t feel like pulling them away. Not just yet. For the first time, she had some power over what was happening to her. She was tired of being a good person, being vulnerable for others to use whenever they felt like.

She felt his lips slowly move across hers, calmer now, while she stayed almost still in his grasp. She felt one hand leave her face and reappear on her lower back and he pulled her in to bring her closer. They must have occupied less than a square foot of space stood like this. Everything was silent apart from what Sarah assumed was her heart beating or perhaps that was his? She couldn’t separate them at this point, a perfect fit soon only disturbed by the shrill buzz from someone’s phone in their nearby vicinity.

“Fuck!” Chris whisper-shouted pulling away from her, biting his bottom lip. Sarah scrabbled around to find her bag in the hallway before signing when she saw who it was. She took a breath so as not to give the game away.

“Shan? No, it’s fine, honestly.” Chris could only hear one side of the conversation as she spoke on the phone but could instantly tell from Sarah’s inability to get a sentence out that Shanna was drunk and giving her the third degree. He wanted to grab the phone and smash it against the wall. “No, it’s no problem. Don’t worry, OK? Yes. Yes, I’ll see you in a bit. Alright. Bye, lovely.”

Sarah had turned away from Chris at this point and looked down at the phone in front of her. She pursed her lips, embarrassed that she could still feel him on her. She thought she might have been imagining things but that was definitely his hand gently touching her on her hip where he’d held her just moments ago. She turned around to face him but one look into his blue eyes and she felt like she was going to collapse on the floor. She was pretty sure he could feel her shaking but he kept his grip on her, trying to work out what she was thinking. She just shook her head slowly and in confusion at what transpired and walked out of the kitchen, down the hall to the bathroom hoping to get some privacy and some cold water on her face.

She didn’t get very far. Chris followed her and grabbed her wrist, swinging her back towards him until she crashed against him again, unsteady on her feet. There was no time to think before his lips were on hers again, harder than they were before. He had his arms around her waist and started walking her backwards towards...something, she couldn’t register what. 

She briefly resisted his movements but after a few steps or so he made do with the wall next to her bedroom doorway. He pressed her hards against it, his hands now back cupping her face. She could feel how hard he had become with the way he pushed his crotch into her in an attempt to keep her still against him. She knew she didn’t want to break away again, she was tired of fighting and was ready to let it just wash over her. She grabbed at his sweater with both fists and moaned into his kiss.

She shoved him until he felt his back meet the opposite wall. The groan that left him was nothing short of filthy and something inside her snapped when she felt his hands fist in her hair while the other slipped down to grip her ass. She felt him pull up the hem of her dress, his fingers gently skimming the back of her thighs. He grabbed at her just underneath her ass and pulled her against him harder than before until they lost their balance and she ended up on top of him as he slid down the wall and hit the hard wood floor beneath them. They’d have bruises tomorrow but they didn’t care.

He desperately grabbed at the hem of her dress again, this time to feel her soft skin between her thighs. Her skin was so smooth and not to the touch, he couldn’t bear it. She felt like she was on fire. He managed to pull her panties to one side but she felt them rip as she furiously gripped at the belt on his trousers. He worked out pretty quickly what she was trying to do and took over for them both to release himself as quickly as possible. In one move he placed her where he wanted her. He heard her sharp intake of breath and looked up just in time to see the look of pleasure on her face as he entered her, perhaps harder than he had intended to but she didn’t seem to mind.

Her eyes closed. He could see the blush covering her skin and her neck and he reached out to pull her face back to him as he motioned for her to move on top of him. He filled her, thrusting into her as much as he could from this angle and briefly regretted not keeping them up against the wall. He knew it would be over in a matter of seconds at this rate. They were both struggling to feel something. Make something of this godawful day.

He couldn’t take his eyes off the way she was moving. He felt her wavering slightly as he quickly approached his own release, her eyes open now and looking down at him. Their staggered breaths were the only sound filling the space. He was so close and he knew she would be too but he couldn’t ignore the look of fear growing apparent on her face. The glazed look in his eyes felt like electricity coursing through her veins. She didn’t know it could feel as exciting as it did to be encouraged along by him like this, his hands firm on her hips, gliding her up and down, keeping him firmly inside her. She had to look away and she began to move faster, slightly out of rhythm now, scraping her knees against the floor on either side of him, pain that only served to heighten the pleasure.

She could feel him throbbing inside her as his legs began to shake and his breathing quickened. The sound of them both hitting the floor over and over again only served to push her on even more against her better judgement. It was too late to stop now. They would just have to deal with the consequences another time.

He tried to hold off from his own orgasm for as long as possible. He wanted more than anything to see her hit her peak as he held her hips tighter and moved her so she could take him harder. One of her hands pushed back against the wall behind him in order to find purchase and it was this move that ultimately caused them both to hit the point of no return.

He didn’t know who came first but it didn’t matter. After a few moments, their breathing started to even out, their skin showing that unmistakable sheen of sweat that only sex could give. Without thinking, he wrapped one arm around her waist and stroked the strands of hair out of her face. He wanted her to look at him as she continued to get her breathing under control but her eyes were too tightly shut. He look scuffed up from their actions and his pupils were blown wide open. She couldn’t even imagine the state she was in. If he could have found a little strength to speak in that moment, he would have told her she was more beautiful than he’d ever seen her look before. Perhaps wisely, he decided to save that for another time.

Oh fuck.

Sarah’s brain went into overdrive as she gradually came back to reality. Chris was trying to figure out what was going through her mind as he felt her slip off him and shuffle herself to the side, pulling the hem of her dress down in a rather redundant effort to protect her modesty. Her underwear was left wrapped around one ankle as she tried to move onto her knees to stand up. She wiped at her mouth with the side of her hand and in that moment, he thought she might start crying again.

“Fuck.” She rubbed her face with her hands. He didn’t think she meant for him to hear that. It was the last thing he thought he would hear her say. He made a grab for her hand but she avoided his grasp as she stood and, on shaky legs, walked back into the kitchen leaving him ruined on the floor against the wall, shaken in more ways than one.

She couldn’t register her surrounding. She felt like she was about to throw up. How could this have happened? How could she be so stupid?

She held herself as she contemplated all the things she would need to say to him to try and make this better. No words made sense in her mind and those that did, she could barely string together to form coherent sentences. She heard Chris enter the room behind her but he stopped just inside of the doorway seemingly as unable to speak as much as she was. This was bad, she thought. So fucking bad. She felt embarrassed when she eventually clocked his messed-up hair. He looked dazed by the whole thing. No doubt his back would be bearing the brunt of their heavy mistake.

she finally reached his eyes and was met with a shy smile and a look she didn’t quite recognise. Was it pity? Concern? Regret? All of the above most probably, she couldn’t quite tell.

“Sarah,” he whispered, swallowing. “I’m....” He took a couple of steps forwards, holding his hand out to reach her, offering what he thought would be some kind of solace.

“I think you need to get back to your party,” She said calmly, deflecting the situation, tears forming in her eyes.

“Sarah, please, I don’t want...”

“People are going to be wondered where you are, Chris. You should go.”

Chris tried to focus on her face in an attempt to find something there other than the shame she was failing to hide. He wished he could get to her but the space she was putting between them felt wider than the kitchen they were stuck in. Resigned, he bowed his head slowly and turned to leave half expecting, or possibly wanting, her to stop him.

*