#mmanifold rambles

[mischiefmanifold]

I love it when big blogs spread misinformation about disorders that are already stigmatized and double down when they get corrected

[mischiefmanifold]

it's so weird to me how many people who claim to have ASPD use the label as an excuse to follow every bigoted stance they can find and then use the ASPD label as an excuse

like no you're not entitled to be a bigoted asshole because you have a personality disorder

[mischiefmanifold]

torture methods that most people don't consider to be torture

**Note that these may not be considered torture if they're one-time things or happen alone, but if one experiences more than one of these for an extended period of time they may be a victim of torture**

blackmail

humiliation (especially in front of others or in especially degrading ways such as forced nudity)

music/sound torture (playing extremely loud or overstimulating music/sounds for extended periods of time)

seclusion/isolation, or solitary confinement

sensory deprivation/overload

sleep deprivation

tickling (heavily dependent on context and duration)

withholding food, water, clothing, bathroom usage, and similar things

force-feeding

stress positions

childhood torture (which I've discussed on this blog before) is defined differently and has a different set of criteria, but these listed items (as well as many other things) are considered torture in some situations

[mischiefmanifold]

inspired by last night's shitty ass shift (also @shimpus-mcgringus-iii hiiii mootie ily) but pictures of things that have happened at work since I started documenting it under the cut

^ this is the one that inspired this post; it happened last night at 9:45p with 5 people on the floor

[mischiefmanifold]

stirring up drama with my republican family members on Facebook 🙏

[mischiefmanifold]

Something that has been really helpful in managing my ASPD symptoms is learning when to disengage from arguments and conversations. As I've mentioned in past posts, I struggle a lot with antagonizing others to curb my understimulation and then "poking the bear" when things are already heated. This has literally never ended well for me or the person I'm at odds with, and my failure to learn from past experiences has hurt both myself and those I care about.

I do still engage in comment sections and have conversations/debates with people, but now I acknowledge that if I feel myself getting vengeful or petty (like, "if I don't stop right now I'm gonna veer into personal insult territory and nobody wants me to be there" vengeful/petty), I can say "Hey, I don't feel that this conversation is getting anywhere and I would appreciate if it didn't devolve any further, so I will be disengaging."

This may feel avoidant and flighty to some, but it's the best way for me to avoid hurting feelings (and potentially hurting bodies, as well).

[mischiefmanifold]

do you ever make a post and then realize it makes zero sense so you sentence it to die in your drafts

[mischiefmanifold]

Also, I think the reason I don't feel I have to commit antisocial acts is because I'm not nearly as bored as I used to be.

For me, specifically, my experience with ASPD has been soul-crushing boredom that is only lessened by doing adrenaline-pumping things (like stealing and fucking with people). I also lack empathy/guilt/remorse and have a limited range of emotions. In the past, I have coped with my anhedonia by stealing (a LOT of stealing, starting before age 9), mentally fucking with people (I liked making people feel stupid), cutting myself for the adrenaline rush ("to feel something" is how I explained it to my parents and past therapists), and hurting animals.

After graduating and moving, I was so busy with college and work that I didn't really have that anhedonia in the front of my mind (because my brain was getting enough stimulation). I definitely still have it and I still notice it in my daily life, but I can't believe how much a scenery change affected my mental health.

Anyway, the point of this post is to say that people with ASPD still have ASPD if we're not actively committing antisocial acts. The entire reason I despise the diagnostic criteria so much is the focus it has on outside behavior, when the behavior is not what makes you ASPD.

[mischiefmanifold]

for anyone who's struggling to keep themselves clean from cutting, I see you and I am so proud of the progress you've made. relapses are normal, especially with addictions like self-injury.

I still get urges after being clean for almost three years. you are not a failure for still getting urges.

[mischiefmanifold]

I ended up skipping therapy this week after a month-long break for holidays, mostly because of my anxiety levels but also because I've been overworking myself at work.

My therapist really wants me to start trauma therapy—and I also really want to start it again!—but when I think about it, I get super nauseous and dissociated. I think that in order for me to be able to process my trauma, I'll have to accept and not suppress my alters, which (unfortunately) I don't think my therapist is prepared to do. It seems like if I want to make any meaningful progress I'll have to find another therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders, which really sucks because I've just recently started feeling more comfortable with my current therapist after a year of seeing her.

[mischiefmanifold]

I just really love characters who are fucked up in the head, memory-and-control-of-self wise

I especially love when the story goes into how conflicted the character feels and even gives us a glimpse into the battle in their own mind like ohhh my gods I can relate so much to that

[mischiefmanifold]

if you're celebrating the disbanding of autism speaks in canada you don't care about MSN/HSN autistic people by the way

[mischiefmanifold]

I think the worst thing about being in therapy for so long is I can tell I've changed over the years (as everyone does) but it feels like my mental health has either stayed the same or gotten worse and it's extremely frustrating to me

[mischiefmanifold]

like this post if you want me to share some of the pictures I've taken at work and tell y'all about some of the shit I've had to deal with as a manager

[mischiefmanifold]

nobody sends anon hate like the guy who made a whole blog just to harass me did

[mischiefmanifold]

anyone have any suggestions for dry/chapped/cracked lips that isn't chapstick or other products applied to the lips for a long period of time? my sensory issues make me unable to have things applied to my lips for longer than like 5 mins 😭