#mjj innocent

[dukeofdelirium]

You should know when it is your place to speak because I am going to prove you wrong @fuglyjeans and don’t even think about whining in a potential response, because you opened yourself up to this by lying on my post and with complete conviction too!

“There’s actually a lot of evidence” no there isn’t and I don’t need to listen to a fucking PODCAST to know that. Want to know how I know? Because I’ve pulled every god damn court document that exists on Michael Jackson straight from the source and have studied his cases for over 12 damn years.

Don’t fucking come onto my shit telling me to do research when you’re recommending random ass podcasts as valid study sessions for the most disgraceful witch hunt carried out by the American judicial system in the last 32 years.

The child you’re referring to is Jordan Chandler. Say his damn name or shut up. I bet you didn’t even know his name before commenting this stupid shit. Complete lie you made up, btw. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Jordan Chandler accurately described absolutely fuck all! Wanna know how we KNOW? Because not only did the police officer that interviewed Chandler state that he said Jackson was CIRCUMCISED which his official PUBLIC AUTOPSY REPORT DISPROVES, but the Chandler Family’s fucking lawyer moved to BAR these photographs of Jackson from court!

FYI, because you clearly seem to need it: The Smoking Gun was a media mouthpiece for the prosecution in 2005’s trial. They deleted this article after Jackson died and his autopsy disproved what the officer said.

Hmmm… what’s that I spy with my little eye?

Hmmmmm.

Wow, shocking. Also, the idea of “splotches” is fucking irrelevant. 1) it was literally never proven to be true that the child could describe certain markings and 2) Jackson had fucking vitiligo which everyone on planet earth knew by that point (meaning markings on his skin were ever changing) so no matter what the child said, the prosecution could try to explain it whether it was right or wrong or “relatively close” as Sneddon put it, therefore it can’t be believed beyond a reasonable doubt and 3) the cops would absolutely ask if Jackson was circumcised. This would be the first thing an alleged victim of SA is asked about a male perpetrator. Jordan Chandler had a 50/50 chance of getting it right. He got it fucking wrong.

Cope.

They also brought Katherine Jackson to speak before the grand juries to ask her whether her son had plastic surgery to alter the way his dick looked. Oh yeah, sounds like we have a winner here, boys!

Not only did they not want the photographs to be shown because it disproved what the child said, but there was obviously not a fucking match because if it HAD BEEN, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN PROBABLE CAUSE AND CORROBORATING EVIDENCE!

Do you honest to god think this means nothing or something? Or are you just clueless to the facts? This would be corroborating, which means this would be grounds for arrest, which means 2 grand juries would absolutely have indicted Jackson had it been a match. Trying to explain this to you is like talking to a toddler or something. Use your brain.

The Chandler family originally had Gloria Allred as their attorney. She gave a public press conference where she stated she had 0 interest in a civil case and only cared about criminal Justice. 24 hours later? They fired her and replaced her with another attorney that cared about getting money from Jackson. This attorney used legal trickery and loopholes to force Jackson into a corner, by arguing that the child was 14 and thus too young and might forget if he didn’t have his case heard as soon as possible in a civil proceeding. This was what led to the civil settlement and the violation of Jackson’s constitutional rights.

You idiots think you’re so damn smart and knowledgeable about Michael Jackson because you listened to some circle jerk discussion on YouTube or some shit. And then you make complete fools of yourselves for everyone to see when you try to speak to people like me who know every detail of said cases. Fucking embarrassing. Jackson was not only never arrested in 1993 or 1994 during the police investigation into these allegations from Jordan Chandler (which he would have been had the description matched), but he also was never indicted by two separate grand juries that oversaw all “evidence” that chucklefuck Tom Sneddon had, which was fuck all.

Jordan Chandler evaded all attempts to make him testify against Jackson. Jackson’s legal defense prepared for over 500 witnesses and dozens of these witnesses on the list were there to testify against Jordan Chandler had he shown up.

“Y’all can’t wrap your heads around victims blah blah blah” don’t ever fucking presume to tell me shit about child sexual abuse. I am literally a male survivor of CSA. I know very well how it feels to be sexually abused and I know how it feels to struggle with memory problems.

Don’t even try to make an excuse to me about it, because Jordan Chandler never said he had memory issues to begin with. Neither did Jackson’s next accuser Gavin Arvizo. He was asked by the psychologist that interviewed him if he struggled with memory or with fears relating to CSA as well in 1993, and you want to know what he said? He said he had no fears of any kind, no struggles, and only that he was afraid of cross examination.

Sit the fuck down and shut the hell up. Consider yourself served and silenced.

[honeyydoodle]

Give him another kiss, y/n <3

(Inspired by 1989 MJ and a picture of James McAvoy I found on Pinterest lol)

[danger0uswham]

one thing that will always irritate me are the people who think that the paternity of michael's kids matter. some of these same fans will accept bigi but not paris & prince.

They all have a similar hair type and skin tone -- but they've all admittingly straightened their hair. It was a way for Michael to protect their identities when younger, too. Hence why he bleached Prince's hair as a child.

Not only that but Prince Jackson has vitiligo. Not as severe as Michael's case but he has it. It's been confirmed by family friends and relatives (Taj) but Prince wishes to not speak about it because it shouldn't matter. Vitiligo doesn't just happen out of the blue, either.

And Paris - she definitely looks so much like her mother but her facial structure. Her smiles, the way her eyes gleam, always reminds me of her dad.

Do they have what are considered "typical" biracial features? Not necessarily but they do look like their dad. And even if they weren't related to him, why does it matter so much?

Here are some examples of Mike's kids reminding me of him

PARIS JACKSON

PRINCE JACKSON

BIGI JACKSON

SOME MORE FACTS:

-- Joe Jackson's (Michael's father) side of the family has some mixed heritage; one of his great-grandparents was a slave, who had a child with his owner's daughter (they fell in love, I believe??) so mixed heritage is in the Jackson blood.

-- There are other Jackson relatives that are mixed and share similarities to PK, PJ, and BJ!

Janet's son, Eissa

Taj's Daughter

There's many more but I hit the limit of images LOL but Jackie Jackson has twin boys that are both mixed -- blue eyes, olive skin, and they don't have fro-textured hair as many expected; it's wavy!

[dukeofdelirium]

This is very true, and I completely agree. I think we also need more context of how Michael was raised and his understanding of “normal”.

He grew up in a 672 sq ft house. He shared a bedroom with all of his siblings. And when he and his brothers toured as kids, they shared a living space with numerous adults and even piled into the same bed as adults. This was completely normal to him. Consulting adults and befriending them as a child star was probably a daily occurrence for him.

He was, in a lot of ways, playing that same role that previous adults had fulfilled for him to other kids who were child stars. It’s not really hard to understand when adding context, imo. Michael didn’t have a normal life or a normal upbringing. We’re talking about a guy who was famous at 5 and who never came down from that fame—and in the short time he had before that stardom exploded into fame the world had never seen, he was constantly surrounded by adults and viewed many of them as close friends and mentors which he then became to other kids later on, like Macaulay for example. Macaulay Culkin has said many times that Michael was genuinely his best friend for years and that they related to each other over being child stars, and that Michael was a safe person to go to amongst all of the abuse he went through.

Also, Michael was genuinely friends with many of his fans, that’s true like OP mentioned. He even knew many of their names and where he had met them, how long he had known them, etc.

Michael was so open to people and so accessible, that he would walk around the street and invite total strangers to Neverland. Keep in mind, this is literally his house. He would also have busloads of children brought to Neverland as part of Make A Wish and other such organizations. He personally helped care for said dying children, as opposed to letting some employee do it.

Michael was just like that. He was raised to be extremely generous, and was raised to share everything with others.

However, I should note that Michael didn’t just let random kids sleep in his “bedroom” without parental knowledge. The parents of these children literally knew and were asked to give permission. And Michael himself never invited this. He only allowed it when a child would ask and said parent stated it was ok.

Speaking of said parents: they were practically always there with their children. In fact, said parents often times slept IN the room. Some even slept in the same bed with Michael and the kids. They even testified to it. And when asked, these people all said “nothing happened”. They were having sleepovers in the most literal sense of the word.

People can’t fathom that in relation to someone of MJ’s status because they don’t know who he was or how he was raised. They only know of the superstar. They can’t fathom that a celebrity of his status enjoyed having simple fun like sleepovers and piling onto a bed to have a movie night to try and feel normal. That doesn’t make sense to them bc they don’t understand MJ. He was just a regular person underneath that celeb status. He liked playing games and having water balloon fights. This was his idea of a good time. Unconventional? That depends on who you ask. But it doesn’t make him a criminal.

I feel like people miss a significant piece of who MJ was, and how he lived, when they weaponize the infamous *bed sharing* against him. People who have a casual knowledge of Michael Jackson don't know how ridiculously accessible he made himself to fans and people in general.

Michael Jackson was the kind of star who not only would call back fans who wrote to him, and have lengthy phone talks with them, he would literally invite these same strangers to Neverland, to visit and sleep, even when he wasn't there. There is this tension to Michael Jackson way of living where he made himself super elusive and mysterious to journalists and paparazzi, but very easy to reach to the "common people" and, to my understanding, that was the mix that bred mediatic disaster.

What people fail to mention is that, MJ didn't just have phone calls, sleepovers, trips with children. He did these things with people from all walks of life: old people, adult people, poor people, rich people, everyone. Basically, his door was open to pretty much everyone and surely that was a totally reckless life choice for someone (let alone someone with high risks at stakes like him) to have, and probably irresponsible, but imo that's also what made MJ so special to the eyes of people who today still remember him with fondness and are extra defensive of him:

They remember the megastar who was "man of the people" enough to actually reach back to fans and spend quality time with them, play with them, eat with them, yeah even sleep with them. That's why to me, every parallel or discourse about comparing modern stars to MJ, or who surpassed him, always fails. Because these discourses miss a fundamental ingredient to the magic formula of Michael Jackson: he was the man of the people. Modern stars of today aren't humble enough for that. People like Michael Jackson, and of course someone like Princess Diana, were. And of course, I don't blame celebrities or artists for being inaccessible to day to day people, because you have to be smart and keep yourself safe, Michael Jackson probably wasn't and his reputation ultimately paid for that, but it also made him human in a way that a Beyoncé, a Taylor Swift or a Weeknd can't relate.

[mj-forever-777]

Winter... It's cold today 🥶

[forever-michael]

When you need a pick-me-up, listen to Michael’s message.

[beanbag0509]

DAY 13: THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT US

“black man, blackmail, throw the brother in jail” ⛓️‍💥

[michaelforever]

How could anyone be scared of this cutie?

He was an angel on the outside and inside

[welcometothetabloidjunkie]

Our condolences to the Jackson family, Tito Jackson your music is forever.

[dukeofdelirium]

MJ haters will look you dead in the eyes and tell you about secret tunnels under his house that he personally dug out with spoons to somehow get into victims houses like an underground version of Santa and tea parties with aliens from mars and luring kids into his room with a bag of candy that he had on him at all times and how he was building structures for the sole purpose of raping boys and then tearing said structures down again for seemingly no reason because the dates don’t align with the litigation and how he had five billion plastic surgeries and a full body skin transplant to change the pigmentation of his skin and they are literally so deadass about every single part of it. Like ok sweetie I think it’s time to put down the crack pipe you seem to be experiencing meth induced psychosis and are displaying it publicly

[dukeofdelirium]

This is kind of misinformed.

The parents of the accusers were there with their children. They testified to this under oath in a criminal trial.

The first accuser of Michael Jackson, Jordan Chandler, never gave testimony and was never cross examined. However, Michael Jackson’s criminal defense lawyers Susan Yu and Thomas Mesereau have publicly stated that they prepared for over 500 witnesses to take the stand in Jackson’s defense. These documents are public record and you can pull it from the court house. In their witness list, they have many people who were scheduled to testify against Jordan Chandler if in fact Jordan had testified. Of course, the FBI’s public files on Jackson state that Jordan was tracked down and that he refused to give testimony in a criminal trial.

Jordan Chandler’s official leaked transcript of his psychologist report from 1993 also states that he is terrified of giving criminal testimony. Why? Because he is afraid of cross examination.

The psychologist that interviewed Jordan Chandler when he first made allegations stated that he did not have the time to assess whether he thought the child was being truthful. He did, however, ask Jordan Chandler if he had dealt with any fears of any kind… in relation to child sexual abuse, obviously. In the transcripts, Jordan (not understanding the doctor’s question), states he is afraid of cross examination only.

Jordan Chandler’s mother June Chandler testified under oath in 2005’s criminal trial. In her testimony, she states she never witnessed any abuse, and she also goes on to state that she never felt she was being kept out of areas of Michael Jackson’s home. She states she was allowed access everywhere at every point in time. She also states that she hasn’t spoken to her son in over a decade, because Jordan Chandler sought legal emancipation at 14 and won.

This doesn’t mean June Chandler wasn’t complicit in the abuse hoax, because she most certainly was, but let’s establish the facts, anon. She testified and was always with her son.

The next mother is Janet Arvizo, who was by all accounts a career criminal, lol. She made false sexual abuse allegations against a JC Penny store, she and her kids tried to extort other celebrities before Jackson, she was guilty of committing welfare fraud. Need I go on? Janet Arvizo wasn’t just always with her kids at Neverland, but she was going on lavish spa trips and shopping sprees by stealing Jackson’s credit cards and running them up. She then tried to claim Jackson was holding her and her kids hostage, despite these trips being caught on CCTV footage. Be serious.

The next mother of an accuser we can bring up is Joy Robson, Wade Robson’s mother. Joy Robson also testified under oath in Jackson’s defense. She stated the media were offering her hundreds of thousands of dollars to change her story.

Don’t believe me, anon? Here, read the actual transcripts for a change. Joy Robson is FAR from the only person that has stated things like this in the past. There are dozens of people that corroborate what she is saying about the media.

Joy Robson had this to say too, when the prosecution tried to make up lies that Michael Jackson owned nude photos of boys and specifically of her son.

The prosecution not only didn’t have evidence that pictures like this existed, but they outright refused to provide the pictures even when given full authority to decide what was entered into the evidence pool for the trial.

Of course, Joy Robson has since changed her tune, but only after Wade made allegations after Michael died! Please think for a moment about what that entails. You have people changing their stories against a dead man who cannot defend himself or fight back against what they say. They’re making allegations for crimes he was found not guilty of in life. They’re making allegations for crimes that there is no corroborative evidence of.

In Wade Robson’s litigation, he was found to have been communicating with his mother and guilter websites to create his abuse stories. Here is one such piece of evidence found in discovery.

“I have several versions. I will let you know if I think it is somerhing that will benefit you.”

How many versions does the fucking truth need? The answer should be one!

Also, this Grand Canyon trip is another lie Wade spins. Joy Robson testified under oath not once, not twice, but THREE SEPARATE TIMES that Wade Robson was WITH HER on this Grand Canyon trip, and never left alone with Michael. THREE TIMES! Over the time span of decades!!!!! But she says a different story for cameras. 🤔

Michael Jackson did not hang out with random kids he did not know at his house alone. The entire families were literally there and testified under oath to such. Please stop misrepresenting the established facts of these cases.

Also, OP, Michael Jackson didn’t pay the Chandler family because Evan demanded money. Let’s not disregard the actual facts of what happened to Jackson. He was legally maliciously railroaded by the Chandler family, who used California state law at the time to push their civil lawsuit ahead of a criminal proceeding. Jackson was ordered by the judge overseeing both criminal and civil to give legal deposition in the civil suit while the criminal investigation was pending.

This violated Jackson’s constitutional rights. His right to remain silent, his right to an impartial jury, his right to a fair trial, etc. Let’s not downplay the severity of what was done to him.

Jackson’s legal team went to the judge to fight this numerous times. The judge continued to demand deposition which is again, UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Jackson was then saved by the California earthquake, wherein his legal team attempted to fight the judge AGAIN! The judge still refused, and less than 24 hours before Jackson would have been forced to give legal deposition, he settled the civil lawsuit which was over negligence, wherein he states in no uncertain terms he is not guilty of any wrongdoing.

The allegation of the Chandler family drugging Jordan Chandler also was never found out by the FBI. This claim came directly from the Chandler’s.

Not only did they write about drugging Jordan in a published book they wrote in 2004, but they AND the dental assistant fed suggestive interviews to the media in 1993 and 1994 about drugging Jordan Chandler. They went on to imply they used Sodium Amytal to drug Jordan. Jordan Chandler went illegally into his father’s custody claiming Michael Jackson never abused him. A month later, illegally held in his father’s custody and drugged by the father’s own admission, he claims he was abused.

Also, Jordan Chandler remained under his father’s control according to many court documents filed by the step mother and by Jordan Chandler himself. The step mother alleged in divorce proceedings that Evan leeched on his son’s settlement money, that Jordan ignored her and his step siblings just like Evan, and she alleged that Evan was abusing Jordan mentally. Jordan, in 2005 while the trial was in preparation, filed a restraining order against Evan Chandler, stating he was struck over the head with a barbell weight, and then strangled. He stated his father had attempted to murder him.

Let’s not make the defense of Jackson harder by misrepresenting the events or only giving partial explanations.

There were parents dropping their kids at Michael Jackson’s hours and were never charged. How do you just leave your kids with a random grown man or woman and pretend everything is fine

In the end the fbi couldn’t find anything to charge Michael I do think it’s weird he he had kids sleeping at house

Well, Michael didn't give them a reason not to trust him. He had a whole theme park in Neverland. A place where children could go and play. He wasn't random. They got to know all the parents before they brought their kids over to his place. He always exchanged numbers with all the parents and kept in touch with them.

As for sleeping over. It can be a cultural thing. In African culture, they live by it takes a village to raise a child. It doesn't matter who the person is. A stranger has a right to discipline your child. A stranger can feed your child. You can walk into a person's house who lives in a whole other neighborhood and stay there. And even sleep there.

Now obviously western culture is different. But some people have their cultures where they're okay with their children sleeping over at a grown person's place if they trust them and know them.

And he wasn’t charged because he's innocent. He never did anything.

The Chandlers especially the money-hungry father Evan who was going bankrupt and was behind on his child support at the time did it to extort money from MJ. The FBI found that out. The dad drugged his son during a tooth extraction with sodium amytal because the dad was a dentist. And claimed that his son said that MJ touched him. During the investigation, Evan the father kept refusing to cooperate and kept saying he didn't want to go to court he just wanted MJ to pay money. So MJ did. His son didn't want anything to do with him after they got their payment. He cut his father off when he grew up and refused to talk bad about MJ.

Mind you, they interviewed ALL the children from 93-94 who were at Neverland Ranch and ALL the children said he never touched them. Macaulay Culkin, Cory Feldman, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Wade Robson, and James Safecheck. Especially the last two. They swore up and down that MJ never touched them.

Years later fame-hungry Wade Robson came out and made his false allegations about Michael. He was caught lying. I read his emails to the MJ estate, the one he claimed he didn’t know even existed. He begged them desperately for a job and MJ’s estate repeatedly turned him down. Because he was out of a job and going broke. Months later he's claiming that Michael abused him.

During the Wade trial, they tried every possible way to get Jordan Chandler the first kid whose dad claimed that MJ abused him to take the stand and speak against MJ. He refused. He didn’t care if he was going to be forced to go to court. He said he was not speaking against MJ.

Even up to this day Macaulay Culkin and Cory Feldman say MJ never did anything. And Mac is very close with MJ's family.

[honeyydoodle]

★Michael Jackson in Scramble Training by SEGA (1993)★

My handwritting might be kinda weird looking but yeahhhh,,, here's Commander MJ for you y/n,,, Also there's a picture I used as a reference!!!

[danger0uswham]

He could've still been here.

And that's what hurts. The "could've" part.

The part where he could've seen his children grow into these respectful adults with pride, humbleness, and care.

The part where he could've watched his sons become immersed into film and his daughter pursue so many things.

The part where he would've absolutely made some banger songs for the people we've lost. A song for Black Lives Matter. A song for the school shootings that we've seen over the years. A song of him watching his children blossom. A song of him healing from all the trauma he experienced as a child and throughout his career.

It hurts knowing that Mike isn't here. I look at the eyes of his children and my heart breaks more. Not only because he isn't here but they remind me so much of him. When Paris smiles, I get goosebumps. When Prince speaks, I get goosebumps. When Bigi appears, I get goosebumps. They all have so many qualities about them that shout "Jackson" but they also allowed themselves to be more than their family name. That was something Michael was keen on.

I've always admired the strength they all carried but Michael and Paris always have blown me away. Michael was belittled, treated like a punching bag, dragged along the mud. Paris has been stalked, chased, followed, harrassed, just like Michael. But the strength they both have is admirable. And I'm a bit envious - not in that way but I wish I had the strength. No matter their challenges, they've pushed through and I think that's a big motivator for me tryign to better myself now. I struggle with many mental health conditions, I want to lose weight, and I just wanna become the best person (emotionally; physically; spiritually) but it's hard. But I relate to them both.

But thinking about Michael recently has brought about so many things. I wonder if he knows that I exist. I became a fan after his passing but I did listen to his music beforehand. I was just a kid, though. I became a fan in 2012 - admired his music before then. I've admired his dance and songs forever. I still remember when he passed and it instantly saddened me. I've been a fan of Michael for half of my life and I just hope he knows about all of the new fans he's made since his passing. I hope he knows that I exist. I hope he knows that I will never stop defending him. I hope he knows - from Heaven. But I secretly know that it'll always feel like he'll never know about me - that I will only know him. I believe I recently stumbled upon many other fans that felt this way -- maybe it was on Discord, Tumblr, a MJJ forumsite, etc.. I'll have to check through my bookmarks and screenshots. I hope he's watching over me and that he'll visit me in my dreams. I miss him dearly.

[444m777]

15 years ago today…

I was roughly three months fresh of turning 17 years old. I felt indifferent about that number and sort of wished I could stay 16 a little longer but I knew I was getting closer to being considered an “adult” and in that case it was exciting because I would be moving abroad and living on my own once I graduated from high school. There was nothing really special about that day. I was home alone after school. Took off my shoes and just did what any regular-degular teenager would do, watch TV.

Aside from plotting how I’d ever make it to London without ever traveling that far before I figured one could dream like I always did. Like I had to because I had the kind of parents who did not like the fact that I was (still am) a Michael Jackson fan. They saw it as an obsession and basically it got to a point where I was “banned” from mentioning his name, listening to his music even though I didn’t own any CDs at the time. The only thing I had growing up as a little girl was the Moonwalker VHS tape and I almost destroyed it because I watched it a billion times for years. My parents would always make sure we had a movie night and as soon as they asked for suggestions everyone would butt in before I could get a word out, “WE ARE NOT WATCHING MOONWALKER! Anything but that!”. As a little girl that shit tore me apart.

My parents introduced me to the world of magic that is MJ. They showed me Thriller. And I innocently referred to the female ghoulish monsters as my grandmother (oops…🤪) everyone burst out in laughter. It was cute I was maybe 3-4 years old at the time. But when I turned 5 I was allowed to watch the whole Moonwalker movie and my own mother told me she regrets getting it and showing it to me. I was maybe 9-10 years old when she said that to me out of anger. She read my diaries at the time and saw all the newspaper clippings I had of Michael because they just wouldn’t let me buy any merch/CDs. And in it I wrote how I felt about him and how I wanted to be with him at Neverland Ranch. Mind you this was also the time where it was super uncool to be an MJ fan. Like, you’d get DISOWNED from your friend group, family etc. it was THAT bad. Coming from a Black Caribbean background. I virtually had no one to talk to about Michael. Hence, the diaries.

I, in some way, related to how lonely he felt. In my innocent child’s mind I just felt really close to him and I felt he would understand me better than my own immediate family would. Anyways, I CLINGED to my Moonwalker VHS tape until I somehow broke it from watching it a trillion times too much😅. My world SHATTERED. It was the only MJ thing I had before I got the newspaper clippings because of the allegations. Whenever we went to a music store or an airport that had a music store I wasn’t allowed in the section that had Michael’s music. I’d get dragged away. It was ROUGH for little fangirl me😕 I don’t know how I survived it. And I’m not even trying to sound dramatic but I was a sensitive, PAINFULLY shy, introverted and moved to tears EASILY kinda girl. I had (and still have) very BIG feelings and I had no one to help me navigate them. Maybe I’ll make another post about my journey as an MJ fan on a super tiny island and how I “made it work” but really I want to focus on how as a teenager I found out he passed.

Flipping through channels I came across a news channel that claimed he died. I immediately took it as a hoax and switched to another news channel and they didn’t report anything. So I remember pausing the TV (we had DVR at the time) and went upstairs to shower. I kept telling myself this was all a sick joke. I came back downstairs and pressed play and forwarded to real time and they said he really did die. So I did the one thing I thought was smart and decided that if CNN didn’t report he died then he didn’t and everybody from the smaller news channels were in on some terrible lie to generate views because of his concerts coming up in London. But I finally switched to CNN and it was written so boldly on the screen I wasn’t even sitting but something told me to sit because my body felt weak and I plopped down on the couch. It took a while to register and then I was hysterical. Home alone yet living with people who banned me from talking about him and getting caught listening to his music or writing about him. I had a secret stash of MJ related things. I had a friend who took her mother’s Dangerous cassette tape and borrowed it to me to listen. My sister’s best friend’s dad had the History Album and she gave it to my sister to give it to me. That’s honestly the one thing my sister did for me that felt super profound. Because she was also told not to fuel my “obsession”. She didn’t care for MJ but she wasn’t mean about it either. But we both lived under our parents’ house and rules and as a Black girl with Black Caribbean parents… let’s just say you don’t question or go behind their back if you know what’s good for you. Once just ONCE my dad let me buy the Dangerous dvd. We were at the airport and he was hesitant. I remember it like it was yesterday… “you KNOW your mother doesn’t want you getting anything MJ related! I’m not letting you buy this”. But at the last minute he still let me get it and he said “it’s just the music videos I suppose this is fine…” oh, how it was not. That got taken away too. So you see I had to hide whatever anyone could spare. I was not even allowed to read the newspaper at one point because my mother found I would cut out pictures of him. THE NEWSPAPER Y’ALL!!! If I needed the newspaper for school work I’d get it with pages removed. Or my mom would pull out the pages I needed.

Back to being a total mess on the couch… my parents came home and I wiped my face and tears. I remember opening the door. I figured I’m older now. He passed away. It should be okay to at least say something about it. I remember opening the door and I could barely get the words out. I said “did you hear the news about Michael?” And she responded “yeah… jammer”. I come from a Caribbean island that’s been colonized by the Dutch so we use Dutch words in our creole language, Papiamento. But the way she said jammer (what a shame) was in such a nonchalant I-don’t-really-care way. Her tone was evident. I almost slammed the door shut in her face but I let her hold the door and I ran upstairs and was hysterical again.

I remember my father coming up to check on me but he stood in the door way. I was just curled up in bed crying and he left me there. Both of them left me there. I was a mess for DAYS. WEEKS. I became depressed. And again, I had no one to help me navigate these very BIG feelings. And it pained me. I didn’t have friends who were MJ fans. So I couldn’t talk to them. All I heard at school was “good riddance” or worse. As an adult I realized I just wanted someone to sit with me. Hold space for me. No one helped me through it during 2003 to the 2005 trials. No one helped me through it in 2009. I had to do it on my own and it SUCKED! You’re either met with “but you never met the man!” or “he was XYZ anyways so why does it matter, he’s dead!”. I was a CHILD! No one thought “damn… this is having a huge effect on our highly sensitive daughter and she’s clearly depressed. At the very least let’s hold space for her” NOPE! I learned very young to keep secrets. To never share myself like that with people in fear of being ridiculed. I hid myself, my passions and my thoughts. Despite growing up and excelling in anything that had to do with art (because I wanted to be like Mike lol). I kept it a secret. My grades showed it but anything else I kept it from my family. My friends kinda knew but they didn’t know what or WHO the driving force was. Where the inspiration came from. I always had to come up with some other story or muse. I wouldn’t dare mention Michael in fear my mother would appear out of nowhere and would “discipline me” for saying his name. He was my real life Voldemort and in my tiny kid brain I had to defend him in my mind because there was no way I could go up against anyone else let alone adults. My family but mostly my mother really did a number on me…

I’m writing this to say that what my family did and how the world negatively responded left a stain on my soul. Turned me from introvert and shy to soooo painfully shy I didn’t want to leave my room. Didn’t want to express myself in fear of being asked where the inspiration came from. Ironically as an adult my parents have been asking me why I’m not being creative and for a very long time I wish I could tell them it’s because they snuffed that part me, ever since I was a child, out! They couldn’t nurture that side of me and chose to see my devotion as blind obsession.

But this year and even more so today I had a huge breakdown earlier in the year and I realized I wanted to express myself and my thoughts more and speak freely about Mike. Mind you, I moved out at 18 and lived and studied in The Netherlands, Indonesia and Thailand. Still I kept that part of me which was and is a HUGE part of me, a secret. I brought it up once with a guy I had a date with and like I said, BIG feelings kinda gal, I broke down crying talking to him about Michael. And I apologized profusely and figured he’d never want to see me again. And yet he held me and comforted me. He did the one thing I craved the people who loved me should have done when I was a child. I swore on that day I’d marry that man. I did not… yet. We’re still together 7 years later and today too and every day since he has held space for me. Allowed me to be the fan I always wished I could’ve been even if it was in private with him. He lets me talk about anything MJ like he’s a fan himself (he is not but he has an immense amount of respect for Michael). And he’s always encouraged me to reach out to the MJ community but like I said the trauma, and again, not trying to be dramatic but to be told as a kid up until I left the house that I can’t talk, listen, watch nor dance to Michael was like being told I wasn’t allowed to eat, was DEEP and it made me associate expressing myself as a bad thing, a dirty thing. Because liking Michael was seen as gross. So I never engaged online for fear of my mother somehow finding me on the internet. Yeah… it was that bad😖

But it wasn’t all bad. And I’d like to share more about that in the future😌. I’m done feeling like my mother or anyone else for that matter has a say in how I feel and how I choose to express my love for Michael. That man pulled me through so many things throughout my life. I know this is a very heavy and sad day. It’s really tough for some to see the bright side. Because Michael being alive was the bright side. Even if he chose never to show his face again in public but to just know he was alive, safe and in good health probably would’ve been more than enough for fans to handle than knowing he’s truly gone. Unfortunately, that’s not the case and his life ended tragically.

I still choose to use this day as a reminder to myself of his tireless yet bright FIRE that he had and how he went against the grains of racism and ignorance, and striving to innovate, to push the envelope and go beyond. The sky was never the limit. I, too, want to use that energy and look past my upbringing and connect with other likeminded fans/people and truly engage the way I wish I would’ve years ago after leaving home. No more hiding. No more shaming myself and most certainly no more apologizing for speaking about Michael. I’m doing myself a disservice and I want to honor his memory by keeping on with the force! 🕺🏾

I love you so much Michael and I miss you like crazy and I’m so grateful for your presence and your passion for sharing your gift and life’s work with us. I feel you in the air and especially in the trees and in the animals. You solidified my belief in magic and wonder. I am so damn happy I am breaking free from these chains and really celebrating you OUT IN THE OPEN WHOLEHEARTEDLY. To the fans out there struggling I have you in my thoughts. And if you ever, EVER need someone to talk to because it’s difficult to talk to anyone else out there, you got me. I don’t ever want any of the fans to feel isolated and stuck. Especially the younger fans. You are the generation who will continue to keep Michael’s legacy going. Not only that you are the future in general and young kids/people need to be protected, loved and guided. Not the opposite and especially not made to feel like your feelings are invalid. Your mental health is so important even when you’re a fan of someone whom you’ve never met. And it is equally important to talk freely and openly in a safe space without being made to feel like you’re a criminal.

Anyways… if you read up until here, wow, thanks! Sending you all lots of love, hugs and heehees💫

[apple-head]

Chill daddy 😭 Michael’s mature era is giving!!!

[closetobadera]

Lift me up slowly

Carry me boldly

Show me you care

Hold me

Lay your head lowly (get lonely sometimes)

Softly then boldly

Carry me there..