#mixed feelings abt how this still looks
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♡ Gives him a little kiss
#dolldraws#my art#selfship#selfship:saeran#custom mc#fanart#mystic messenger#myseme#saeran choi#ray#mixed feelings abt how this still looks#I love him tho he’s so sweet#sona#cc
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hmmmm mal du pays thoughts tonight
#radio rambles#i should go to bed but. it is on the mind#isat spoilers#<- for the . wall of tags to come#imm wondering what most people hc mdp to like. be#i know its most popular to see it as siffrins sadness. i do think thats p neat#and probably the intention#but im. juggling around the idea of? siffrin system moment? mdp as a headmate? if yall see that vision?#most inspired by that ‘do u hc this character as a system’ post abt siffrin#and i voted no then but now im like genuinely changing my mind JFKFKF#it makes sense in a way. and into my mdp hc that it. wouldve split while sif was very young#splitting due to stress which leads to a lot of. gestures vaguely. mdp’s whole thing#a mix of stress but also this sense of longing to. belong somewhere. to not be alone#many years ago it was about the loss of their home. and much later on became more related to its feelings towards their family#mdp is a scared child to me . idk about yalls hcs for it but thats what im sticking to#a scared child who maybe grew up a little alongside the body. but still Young and Scared#its not as often or eager to front as siffrin is. i can imagine it being much more hover-y or . POSSIBLY. cohosting if its feeling up to it#uhm. ok well#so i typed this out and now im actually really sad about mdp jgkdkf where is mdp recovery#now im kinda thinking about it fronting for once to properly meet the party and. and receiving comfort. and and and#wow christ im upset#also also glancing over at marias sibling au for character dynamics here….. sillies…..#ps not relevant to my mdp thoughts but fyi im imagining siffin in headspace looks very much like their body#the difference being. much darker clothes. more stars etc. maybe different hair#think like how a lot of ppl style their human loops. thats kinda how i imagine sif in headspace#SPEAKING OF LOOP#i think given the time he spent with them it woulf make sense if they split a loop as well#and ofc other members of the party jgkfkf#im not gonna get into my hcs there because ill b taking away from my mdp hc post BUT#thinking. always thinking
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world's most well-adjusted daughter
#mizuki okiura#okiura mizuki#aitsf#ok now spoilies for that game in the next tags. if u do not tag aini spoilers and aitsf i guess then thats on u#aitsf spoilers#aini spoilers#ai the somnium files#aini#mizuki date#u ever think abt how little time mizuki got to be mizuki date with her dad before everything in aini went to shit#i can acknowledge it follows the res route without being happy that its like BAM ok now mizuki's lost her parent AGAIN#anyways thinking abt how messed up itd feel to lose the same eye date lost but now ofc he's lost so like. salt in the wound#and ik u/ch/////iko///shi said she stays w others who help her get back on her feet but like god i imagine she's resentful that it ended up#that shes stuck in a situation like this#maybe take it as a redesign too idk i have so many overwhelming thoughts abt a mizuki that did Not cope with it as 'well' as she did in ain#hence covering her eye. a more date inspired look still mixed w her old design too#my art#yea nvm the more i think abt it the more this is less redesign and more post-explosion route in aini#shes got her backpack..... her missing eye......... girls gone thru it all
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save me old flipnote studio MVs.......
#im going thru old flipnotes i used to watch years ago and ouggghhg so many good ones#is twenty one pilots still popular.... do people still remember the TRNDSTTER and marble soda meme.........#its like im unlocking some sort of primal part of my brain and everything is coming back to me. one of my biggest inspirations as a kid#i still remember thinking the final transmission lyrics were the coolest thing and watching =TopHat= Bee and Melissa over and over#theres a very specific feeling of longing and nostalgia looking back and watching these again years later#especially when there isnt anything genshin or mcyt and instead its either fnaf undertale eddsworld or another obscure#interest... and not even fnaf sister location its like fnaf 3 and 2. its THAT old. and a lot of oc MVs especially pokemon ocs and furries..#god but they were so creative u know. i still find it amazing ppl took this little lightbox animation on the fucking NINTENDO DS and#cranked it all the way to 11.. like if u look at the transitions and movement its so fucking fluid its insane..!! HOW DO YOU MAKE THE#CHARACTERS SPIN??? AND CHANGING CAMERA ANGLES??? and keep in mind youre doing this all with a shitty stylus#on a THREE BY TWO INCH SCREEN. you only get two layers you can go up to 29FPS and you only have 999 slides to work with#and 24FPS eats up a lot of that. absolutely insane it literally boggles my mind every time i think about it. AND SOME ARE EVEN FULL COLOR#i forgot how popular EDM was back then too...they were really good for timing beats though so you get a lot of MVs with#strobe last and marble soda. porter robinsons goodbye to a world was also popular with undertale and oc MVs. also a lot of vocaloid#someone made a flipnote abt the warner bros fnaf movie being announced EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO. it even used the stay calm audio from#the office.... i wonder how theyre doing now... i love you shitty grainy MV audio.. but i have mixed feelings abt the flashing colors#ppl LOVED animating the sans vs frisk fight. aishite and primadonna were also big ones they were SICK AS FUCK#lots of these inspired my old oc designs.. a lot of my characters had side bangs with one eye covered. animal ears and simple eyes too#now i kinda wanna try my hand at the marble soda meme cause i loved it as a kid lol.. i wonder if i should compare my old and new art here#UGHHHH IM SO NORMAL ABOUT NOSTALGIA. IM SO NORMAL ABT MY SCHOOL BOOK DRAWINGS WITH SHIBA BROWS#yapping#nostalgia
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i need to be more autistic ab my ocs right NOW
#aria talkz#i also love following ppl who oc post. esp abt splatoon splatoon ocs are very neat and unique and just Fun but w any fandom ocs or ocs#aughghghgh synthesia my beautiful Half sanitized weirdo inktoling or w/e the mix is called i will draw you one day#dont ask how half sanitization works i dont know either theyre just a dissociative genderfreak bc of it with no blue skin but the eyes#n probably just a little bit of tentacle discoloration. but not the Blue Green gradient they still got their teal.#and mac... my wondrous transmasc mawsling..#i just feel self conscious ab doing their designs dirty. esp mac salmonids do uh not look good usually. hell prob just look kikura esque#shrug.
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i found an old invoice from like 2015 and it says a toaster was 100 liras. kms
#literally paid 120 liras for a fuckass DRINK today and it wasnt even good !!! lmao#it was some coconut shit with coffee and stuff idek. i wanted to try it bc it looked good but it was meh :/#also something so wrong w my brain rn because#why could i not remember any word that means something like 'invoice' in any of the languages i know#(still not sure if it's like the right word for it in english)#but i was like WHAT IS RECHNUNG CALLED IN OTHER LANGUAGES. help#trying to do my german homework rn so maybe it's because of that#but the language problems are Really real recently. i keep mixing everything up#aaaand just wait until i start language posting with my cringe self-taught swedish soon :D hahaha#i feel like i will never ever get to c1/c2 level in any other language ever but i will have a bunch of b1 level languages. yay#anyway i was bitching abt economy how did we come here#🗒
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I love it whenever Traveler gets to be an asshole to ppl ngl
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Rewatxhing things; and I almost completely forgot how they were to Nav at first offer to join up with the Spina#//Not to mention how they acted with Aya.ka at first#//And don’t get me started on |tto and even KAE#//But still; I like that abt them#//In some cases; it’s v justified they don’t wanna get mixed into others ppls business for the umpteenth time in a row#//Bc they’ve been looking for their sib and keep getting sidequested#//And then in other cases like |tto or Kae; esp unprovoked; it makes them feel more human and well rounded#//That they too are just as capable of being mean and rude as anybody else#//Theyre not a perfect little sweetheart of a hero or anything#//I love that so much
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it's so dumb that we still feel awkward about creating willogenic headmates in our sys when we literally found out we were plural through the tulpa community
#SYSCOURSE GET BLOCKED AND EXPLODED 💥#endo safe#tulpa safe#but like we figured out we had an actual disassociative disorder through that community#because when we first started 'creating' headmates and talking about it in the community#everyone was like 'yea its... not usually normal for tulpas to form so completely THAT fast??? especially multiple at once???'#'its not really normal to be SURPRISED by a 'new tulpa'? like... the whole thing is you have to put in effort to create them?'#when we started tulpamancy we basically had a cambrian explosion of headmates like we went from Cecil alone to 14 all at once#(and we have confirmation that Cecil did not arrive alone. his arrival (or reveal) was ANNOUNCED by A DIFFERENT GUY)#literally the conversation was just#ruby: why am i getting intrusive thoughts rn#sheo; not making himself known: it's cecils fault#ruby: WHOS CECIL?????#cecil: hi thats me#we talked about how cecil basically formed by himself (blank as well) and everyone was like... bestie that might not be a tulpa....#they were really kind abt it though i happened to be in a nice group#anyway all that backstory aside we keep wanting a headmate of a specific concept but keep feeling weird about making them from scratch#cause like. years and years ago. we ran away from home once and. well let's just say we did not intend to be found with a pulse#and like. we were texting our friends while walking and they weren't able to convince us to go home at all we were. very not ok#and i had to put away my phone bc it started raining so i kept walking for a bit and then just. stopped#bc in the middle of the road there was just. a single solitary bright red salamander. just standin there#and i just. i don't even know. i broke a little? i was just overwhelmed with the wonder of nature and life and coincidence?#I've literally only ever seen two salamanders in my entire life. one that i caught under a bush and wanted to keep as a pet but was told no#and that little fire red salamander in the middle of the road#and i genuinely think if i had not stopped to look at that salamander i would not have gone home#and i want. to have a salamander headmate that can be there for comfort and stuff#if we ever get a tattoo we're definitely getting a salamander one as our first one#maybe mixed with a semicolon bc the salamander is like. symbolizing the same thing for me#the 'i fucking made it. im still here' kind of vibes
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i'll post that comic to the rest of my social media when it's not work/school hours lol....................................... i'm just terribly impatient cries
#blab#honestly still mixed feelings abt how it turned out. i like how the art looks but some parts are still kinda clunky to me#and then the dramatic beat being a hc abt junk n hog having been caught & separated before..... might not b obvious enough idk#same w hog doing junk's detonator hand gesture idk if it's obvious. it's the wrong hand and also he's not holding anything#oh well. oh well!!!!!!!! i did my best.#at least i have a comic i can add to my weebly this year#i still do wanna do the last comic in this set of 3........... idk it might b shorter than this one?? i need to look at the dialogue again#idk when i'll finish bc i'm technically. supposed to b job searching#but instead here i am stalling and drawing comics cries
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also today in queer history class discussion i pitched the question "how has your race impacted your experiences as a queer person" and so one of my classmates talked abt how she was usually the only black person in queer spaces (or if not, then the only dark skinned black person) and talked a lot abt the isolation of it all
which was cool to hear, but not quite what i was looking for, so at the end i was like, "follow-up question: how has your blackness influenced your queerness?"
and after class she told me no one had ever asked her that before and so she'd never had to consider it, but now she was excited to just throw that at every other queer person of color in her life because it's like, "huh. what kind of homoeroticisms DO i experience as a result of my culture? how CAN i express my queerness in a way that also feels at home with my culture, instead of just picking an expression that is one or the other?" and i think that's beautiful. i hope she figures out how she wants to be queer in her own uniquely black way
#the worm speaks#me bringing my valuable experiences with the blending of cultures as a mixed race person to the table 2day it seems lol#and she went on to tell me how there are a lot of examples of queer black *masculinity* but very few came to mind#of like queer black *femininity* n so ultimately i'm still left not knowing what homoeroticism looks like to like.#bc she is genderfluid n so she's not a woman but she is femme and she's mentioned this many times#but like you guys get my gist#i think i brought a lot of unexpected questions to the discussion today LOL like the reading was abt the erasure of queer asian americans#in the history of the united states and yep there sure were a lot of queer asians erased but like for some reason it didn't really strike me#as a subject to discuss or ask a lot of questions about. same with the mentions of orientalism LOL#i think i'm also a little bit averse to bringing up orientalism bc i feel like i risk being accused of it myself by nature of being mixed#as if being half white is all that matters in a discussion about race as if i've never felt the pressures n hardships of being asian myself#etc etc it's a little hard for me to feel like i'm allowed to speak abt the subject lol but it was like The One Subject#the prof deliberately drew attn to towards the end to discuss#mostly i focused my questions for the class on the subjects of culture and community building and the desire for connection#stuff i'm both deeply familiar with bc of blorbo studies and also kind of asian about lol
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#wow okay so ive been reconnecting with my friend who i previously hadn't seen or spoken to in months#and we've been chatting again for abt a month now and she came to my house univited and without warning today and we hung out#even though i really wasn't prepared for company. i decided it was a pleasant enough surprise. she brought cupcakes.#and then she tells me. a trans man. that she. a lesbian. is in love with me#and im now very uncomfortable bc i don't want to date someone who sees me as a girl. and i Know that that's the case here#bc she's said some Kinda Weird yellow flag things abt trans ppl (esp in regards to passing) that ive overlooked bc i enjoyed her company#and she starts crying on my shoulder bc she “can't believe im rejecting her bc i think shes transphobic”#and how she “thought i liked her too” bc i go along with her flirting (when she first started flirting w me i didn't pick up and she-#-made a joke abt how she likes to flirt w men bc shes gay but it looks like im too dense for that joke (said it a friendly way no really))#(so i didn't realize she was ACTUALLY flirting bc she would still do this to other guys as a joke)#and she “feels so stupid for letting herself be led on by me” and a bunch of other bullshit#and expected me to comfort her while this was going on#which i did bc i didn't know what else to do#and she decided to take THAT as a mixed signal ig and tried to pet me#so i got away from her and got her some water and asked her to leave after she calmed down#and she started crying more but eventually left#and then like an hour later i start getting texts from our friends saying they couldnt believe i was so rude to her#and thought she was a transphobe and shoved her off of me when she just needed comfort#and so now everyone is refusing to talk to me until *i* apologize to *her*#i literally only have one irl friend now bc of this#fuck this shit#and i have fucking class tomorrow#fuck#this#shit
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Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.
And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.
#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that#doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything#I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and#people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it#like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs#ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons!#bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It#i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it#i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration.#I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th#the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time#and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism.#i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been#able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance!#i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc#I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it#and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky.#bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call#bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm.#and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and#helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday#and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job?#i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with#like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd#to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid#and j hate the corporatism and the leadership#bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need#anyway.#i just... want something different.#i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit
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like yeahh. yeah
#its really strange feeling#i know me and my friend talked abt this before. just how bad its intertwined in the way that latino communities exist#staunchly antiblack. its again. us vs them#and i know for me idk#to preface im lightskin. im still at odds with how to define myself#but sometimes when my family calls me shit like negrito#theres a mixed feeling of joy of being recognized but also. why is my aunt calling me that#yk what i mean#mixed feeling#being seen as closer to how my mom looks but being racialized in that kind of way#its gross#even if its supposed to be a cute thing. it just digs in what i already kind of understood#vague shrug. iunno#ill never know. this isnt something that just goes away but i do have the privilege of actually discussing it
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Dude.. my ex boyfriend totally did get me into conspiracy theory shit, even if unintentionally (i think its intentional im sure he believed in that shit. Would not surprise me at all.) At the time i was already pretty isolated from anyone online who mightve countered any of my dumb spiritual or alien related beliefs because of some dumb shit i said online making most of the friends and followers i made online generally avoid me, depending on who it was. I was just a regular pagan and then he showed me this weird video with all this weird conspiracy theory symbolism in it. I looked it up later on and looked up the meaning of the symbolism and came across a whole bunch of stuff posing itself as Secret Information The US Govt Doesnt Want You To Know About, etc. And then i just fell deeper into the conspiracy theory pipeline, traded my paganism for new age beliefs, and goddamn dude. Like we both got suspended from school bc he had a dumb idea to dumb shit there and i spent my time in detention fucking. Trying to read "the emerald tablets" or whatever tf. Its all coming back to me rn.
#anyways im not about to let yall make me feel guilty for falling in this direction anymore bc i was fuckin 14 and didnt know SHIT about us#politics aside from lgbt ppl deserve rights and to live like everyone else and same w all the other minorities (even tho i probably still#had issues i needed to work on around those things. still generally i wouldve considered myself progressive but apolitical)#and i was already at the time rejecting my christian upbringing and trying out satanism and paganism and such and so#i had a very rebellious mindset at the time. i also hated authority so the first antiesrablishment thing i saw i clung to bc it was#*close enough* to how i felt. none of that shit ever outwardly stated (at the time at least) that anything was abt jewish ppl and i was#filling in the parts about 'child sex rings' to be about christians bc thats how i knew them to be like. it just like. seems so obviously#something a christian would try to do. like a creepy priest or something. i imprinted my own meaning onto it#im not saying it was good but i definitely didnt go into it and stick to it for reasons some ppl might wanna believe#i was way more on the spiritual leaning side and the ~secret spiritual meaning~ of the world. like the flower of life or fuckin.#shit like how theres. idk. a fucking disc or something thats supposed to go on top of the great pyramids that super enlightened#people can only navigate like a spaceship or some shit?#idk the mythology of it all really fucking enraptured me. and i still liked the reptilians even tho they were supposed to be evil and#apparently an antisemitic dogwhistle. i thought it was the annunaki or whatever i was supposed to hate. at least.#the opinions were pretty mixed back then. admittedly i didnt really look up other ppls opinions on that stuff other than articles ppl wrote#like no forums or anything really. which is probably a very good thing i avoided those lol. regardless i thought of the reptilians#as being more neutral but generally looking out for themselves kinda like. the way a reptile would ig. but now that ik its a dog whistle#it really took a the magic out of all of that stuff for me :/ im disillusioned to say the least lol.#all that new age shit was appropriation. christianity rebranded. or weird shit people made up about atlantis or whatever sjjsksks#my favorite was the oceanis one where theres a star system where whales and dolphins come from#like that one was my favorite to believe in dhdjjsksksbdhs#imagine being on a star planet diving around in the sea of light u_u anyways it still sounds fun shsjskskwne.#i hope that one is at least more tame. though im sure its still somehow connected to everything else which im p sure it is#dude all of this information is just resurfacing about all of this shit. i could totally write a whole thing about all the conspiracy#theories i learned about. i might if only to make fun of it all sjdjksksks#yall ever heard of FUCKING david willcocks????#his willing cocks???????#his fucking ass#and gaia FUCKING tv#all that dumb shit
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#me and american israeli tandem guy spent the whole day on a netflix watchparty where we binged the rest of dahmer#(he was fasting bc yom kippur but didnt go to synagogue bc complicated relationship with his super religious upbringing)#(and i was Not Eating bc I am locked in my room and food deprivation is my brains favorite coping strategy#especially for anything that it cant walk off)#and it was so cute bc at first i thought he was being playful when he was like oh i have to look away from the scary scenes#and i was like well feel free to skip#but then he actually proceeded to skip through every violent scene bc they scared him#(which was... a lot... since it was a show about a very violent serial killer who gets violently murdered)#and yes i still thought very much about [redacted]#but also why is my type super orthodox-raised israeli jews who get easily scared by movies#like i feel this is a very specific niche#and also it was just... nice#it was nice to have someone remote-share isolation with me#it was nice to speak our hebrew english german mix#it was nice just to talk#i wish i was sliiiightly less heartbroken abt how nice it was
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I'm aaaall hopped up on my adhd meds and strong coffee and working on digital history project scanning on a day the library's closed (which is quickly becoming one of my Favorite Things) and my brain is spinning so fast and I have been really big on snapchat again suddenly??
So fuckin add me on snapchat (andreyuck31) pls I'm having so much fun constantly posting my cats and shit I do at work
ETA - for real if we're mutuals I'm cool with it! Definitely let me know who you are like in DMs here I guess if I am not likely to recognize your snap username
#love to get...my therapist calls it manic but i'm still confused bc i always thought manic was only a bipolar disorder thing#but now i know you can be in a manic state and it not being the same as a manic episode and it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad or#concerning thing? like it's not unhealthy for me and i'm not bipolar. bc i get really scared abt that often since my papaw was and my mom#likely is so it's something i feel like i need to look out for. and these apparently manic states#had me concerned for years until i had my therapist say 'yes i have seen you manic but it's not concerning and it doesn't appear to me to be#any sort of warning sign. if you're not doing this that etc and hitting xyz diagnostic benchmarks or harming yourself or other then i am not#concerned about it being any bigger thing. most people get manic at some point but for some it IS destructive and dangerous'#idk it was really helpful to know that i didn't need to be scared of how i get sometimes. and also that i do have that knowledge now that if#like i'm being destructive to myself mixed with this and that THEN it's likely cause for concern and reaching out to her. but i don't need#to worry if i get manic and zip through hours of work and come up with fifty ideas or whatever#i tend to pathologize Everything bc i have missed so much abt myself#and i often need those reality checks. anyway. snapchat
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