#also something so wrong w my brain rn because
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i found an old invoice from like 2015 and it says a toaster was 100 liras. kms
#literally paid 120 liras for a fuckass DRINK today and it wasnt even good !!! lmao#it was some coconut shit with coffee and stuff idek. i wanted to try it bc it looked good but it was meh :/#also something so wrong w my brain rn because#why could i not remember any word that means something like 'invoice' in any of the languages i know#(still not sure if it's like the right word for it in english)#but i was like WHAT IS RECHNUNG CALLED IN OTHER LANGUAGES. help#trying to do my german homework rn so maybe it's because of that#but the language problems are Really real recently. i keep mixing everything up#aaaand just wait until i start language posting with my cringe self-taught swedish soon :D hahaha#i feel like i will never ever get to c1/c2 level in any other language ever but i will have a bunch of b1 level languages. yay#anyway i was bitching abt economy how did we come here#🗒
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vent under the cut you don't need to read if you don't want to!!!!!!!
I honestly hateee opening up or oversharing with ppl. it's kind of like eating for me where it feels okay in the moment but then afterwards I just feel awful. it feels like I'm attention seeking or saying someone else's experience isn't valid for some reason and it sucks. I don't do it at all with ppl I just met but with friends I tend to get carried away with it sometimes,,,
It hurts even more because I've been distancing myself from ppl bcz I'm scared of this exact thing happening. People have messaged me before, saying I seem cool and they want to be friends. And I get happy in the moment, but then I get really anxious about accidentally getting too comfortable and blurting out personal things, because then their opinion of me will wane and they'll think I'm annoying or ungrateful. So I subconsciously begin to distance myself and take a while when responding to messages, because I'm scared of getting too comfortable with them. But now I'm anxious that they think I'm cold or distant and that I secretly don't like them. It's just a lose lose situation mannn </3
I have so many DMs I've put off responding to, and I've stopped talking in servers as much bcz I'm scared of getting close with ppl in them. I really feel bad for it, though. I've drifted from friends bcz of that and it sucks because I genuinely love them a lot. I love everyone I talk to a lot and they always make my day better--I just wish I could be the same for them. I feel like it's a chore to talk to me. I honestly don't know what to do. It's even worse when I get close to someone bcz they like what I make/post because again, now that they've seen how I really am and I've opened up, they more than likely see me as annoying or a bad person. Like it hurts enough whenever we become friends naturally talking, but if it's with someone who's seen me at my "best" and has seen things I work on or stories I've created, they ofc associate me with those things, and their expectations of me are through the roof. So when I disappoint them it hurts a lot more. I hate getting attached to people it hurts so much
#vent#it's okay tho.I think a hug would fix me. I want a hug so bad :(#probably delete later#tag ramblings below#AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH LIKE SO MUCH so it's even harder. like I feel like I don't deserve them#y'all deserve better than me#I WISH I COULD ADOPT THE IDGAF ATTITUDE#truly the best feeling in the world--realizing you don't care anymore#and idk how someone could possibly like me for things I created--it's not even like I write well or sing well#I honestly don't understand how ppl could see anything I've made or sung and genuinely like it#so whenever someone DOES I'm just like hasbdhabsn yay!!!!!!! and then I ruin it w my awful personality </3#it's also why I take down a lot of ao3 works#like I've made 50 something works but it only shows two because I've taken so many down or made them anonymous--I hate my work so much#but ppl like it enough to actively want to get to know me and it hurts bcz I feel like they're not THAT good#same thing with singing like I'm not good at it at all#but ppl used to rlly like my impressions of characters and I'd get cast in quite a bit of cover groups and I just don't understand.why???#but ofc I can't ask that bcz.idk it just feels attention seeking when I do that#like can you praise me a whole bunch so I don't feel like it's not totally awful please?#I appreciate the support I get so so much and it's not that it's not enough it's just my brain is mean </3#idek what this vent is abt#I think ultimately it's just abt my fear of disappointing ppl#I'm close with a few ppl who know me bcz of things I made--and I feel like I kinda ruined their impression of me a little (a lot)#especially bcz I didn't always used to vent this much. like back when I was 12-15 I literally refused to vent no matter how bad it got#and I had friends who vented every single day so it's not like I'd be the only one#I just feel like it's wrong when it's me :'D I feel like my feelings aren't valid ig and I'm ungrateful bcz my life rlly isn't that bad#I only started venting a lot this year for some reason--and it makes me feel bad bcz now my current friends have to deal with me like that#like I have a diary I write in and it works sometimes but ultimately it's better for someone else to give you validation#I hate venting so much though#(<- literally venting rn BAHSDBAS)#I'M SORRY if I've been venting too much. I feel like I've been venting too much.guys am sorry if this is annoying I promise I'm workin on i
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marshmallow world
⭒˚‧ ✧ pairing: bang chan x fem!reader ☆ synopsis: a little lesson before christmas to continue your good girl streak and save yourself from the naughty list. ϑℓ genre ─ warnings: mdni, smut, tiny angst, daddy kink, dom!chan, jealousy & possessiveness, kinda toxic chan, spanking, slapping, dirty talk, pet names (some dreg), teasing, edging, orgasm denial, fingering, oral sex, unprotected sex, creampie ׄ ۪。 𓂃 ੭୧ 𓂃 ۪ word count: 7k
masterlist ♡ taglist
wen's note: mini winter/holiday special, i'm sooo back, winter's here, enjoy :3 edit: I was writing this before #those selfies, woofwoof, he fed my delusions more yasss, also my beloved friend said no more dirty sex and i came back w more dirty sex, sorry:( just dom chan brain rot rn, edit2: bro railway teaserrr anywaysss
Chan was the sweetest boyfriend of all, it was an absolute dream to have him, he was attentive, took care of you, spoiled you, knew the smallest detail about you, and always paid attention to you despite his demanding job in a very competitive and hard industry which he worked hard to get there, you knew his story and you both completed each other.
But he only had one tiny detail, not everything was perfect, he had a small flaw that you let it go of because everything good made up for it… but the big damn problem with Chan was always his jealousy and possessiveness. To be honest, jealousy was never something you liked, it seemed absurd, toxic, like the person distrusted you… but coming from someone like Chan, you couldn’t help that sometimes you liked it, only sometimes, because sometimes he was too serious about it and it annoyed you, and other times you got sexual pleasure, but no matter how long you had been dating him, you never knew what to expect because it was always the same: his obvious annoyed expression.
You arrived home, you and Chan had been living together for a long time, it was late and the snowstorm almost caught you on the road, slightly delaying you a little, torturing you every second you spent locked in that car with your own boyfriend… because you just had a very nice night… to suddenly be ruined by Chan’s clear and very expressive face of disgust and anger. The ride was tense, you knew something was wrong with him, but particularly tonight you didn’t have the energy to confront him, so you’d let him go to bed upset if that was the right thing to do.
It had been the ‘Christmas’/holiday event for Chan’s entertainment company, of which he worked as an excellent and well-respected producer. So far, so good, before leaving your home, Chan laughingly hurried you, sweetly, telling you that you would be late while you fixed your lipstick and put on perfume; you were wearing a very nice short red dress, Chan was dressed in his black suit that made him look dreamy. You arrived at the event, some knew who you were, some didn’t, but everyone knew that Chan had a girlfriend. You enjoyed a very good time, had dinner, and danced, and then slightly each of you started to radiate your own charisma, being friendly and socializing with more people… all good, until halfway through the night you made a friend, Seo Changbin, another producer of the company since Chan left your side for a second to talk to his social circle or even expanding it, Changbin didn’t leave your side the rest of the night, you got along well, you thought it was nice to meet a new person.
But as soon as Chan saw you there the trouble started. He couldn’t believe such an atrocity his eyes had to witness. His girl, his, his, his, you would always be his property; talking and laughing with another guy while you gently touched his shoulder and leaned your body towards him as you giggled.
You were about to let it go, not be blinded by his jealousy… but it all went to hell as soon as he saw Lee Minho approach you, your ex-boyfriend, a choreographer for the company. And then there you were, like a little slut —so he thought— in the middle of two men, smiling, not knowing their intentions.
But Chan could not change. He was like that because he wanted you all to himself. And you never stopped him.
You sighed, avoiding looking at Chan and leaving him behind, as you took off your heels and he closed the main door. You were physically exhausted, cold, and emotionally unprepared to be exhausted if you faced Chan.
You ignored him, sucking air between your teeth from the sudden cold that shivered your whole body and the first thing you did was turn on the heat in the entire house, you turned on the lights of the pine tree and your Christmas decoration pretending to be fine, still, you were not calm, you felt his heavy gaze on your back, his ponderous breathing, not a single word had been spoken since he told you in a stern tone, “We’re leaving now.” You were so sober, your muscles stiff, about to remember this whole tense night the next morning.
You were about to go upstairs, about to cry because you hated ignoring Chan, because your pride was so great, and all you wanted from him was to be around his arms, feeling his warmth as it snowed outside, but no, you had done nothing wrong but talk to men other than him. You hoped he would think and come to his senses so he could apologize in a few hours at dawn.
But it wasn’t like that, Chan had his jaw tense, he was not just annoyed, but furious for some particular reason. He took off his long coat and watched you walk through the house, while he was lighting it up as he went by, he had so much to tell you, but his intentions were a bit diverted as he watched you walk up four steps while he was still standing on the first floor and had a very nice view of your bare legs in that short dress, arousing another feeling other than anger. In the end it was him taking you home, to bed, where you lived together and shared, he calmed down a bit, but he was still upset and wanted to claim you.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he mentioned, his voice low and commanding. “We need to talk.”
Your hand was resting gently on the stair railing. You froze at the sound of his gravelly voice, stopped your steps, and looked toward nothing in particular, just with your eyes straight ahead. He was upset, you knew it, you could hear it in every word he said that made your skin flinch. You stood there for a second, sighing softly, whether to just ignore him, continue up the stairs, or confess to him that you didn’t want to talk, either option had fatal consequences anyway.
“I’m talking to you, Y/n” he said again.
“There’s nothing to talk about today, Chan. I’m going to sleep” you replied, unwillingly, turning your back to him.
He ran his tongue across his mouth, annoyed and in disbelief that you responded to him such a thing, like a spoiled little brat, unwilling to even look him in the eye, those were not the manners he had taught you. He always taught you to be a good little girl for him.
“Well, you may not have anything to say but I do and I want you to listen to me properly” he spat annoyed, his ears red in anger and a tingle in his body at having to just watch your back silhouette, he hated that. “And look me in the eyes when I talk to you. Turn around and come over here. Now.”
What was once a pent-up sadness in your being, turned to anger. You took a breath, annoyed, you hated it when he spoke to you like that, demanding orders in a despot manner, without affection and knowing the undertone of the reason for his tone: once again a pathetic scene of jealousy, you were tired of them. And the worst thing was that you hated to listen to him in situations like that; you turned and watched him take off his black leather winter gloves and looked at him closely for the first time in the evening since he had spoken to you harshly. You could tell he was expressionless, his eyes relaxed, his mouth closed… but you knew him so fucking well, and watching him slide his gloves down his long fingers didn’t have the right to look that attractive. You stood half bravely in front of his commanding complexion illuminated by the hallway light. You looked into his eyes, into his dark, piercing gaze, just the way he wanted it.
He moved even closer to you, almost brushing against your face, and began to speak in a false soft, slow speech, as if you had to understand every word he said:
“You’re going to tell me exactly what you talked about with Seo Changbin and what had you so entertained for an hour and a half… and then you’re going to tell me why your bastard ex-boyfriend dared to approach you. I’m listening.”
You analyzed every part of his face, from his soft dark curly hair falling down his forehead, slightly parted, his sharp eyes, his nose tipped with a soft red from the cold weather, and his full pale pink lips. He was so cute, you loved him, but you missed a few hours ago when he was sweet Chan. You wanted to kiss him, to feel his soft cool lips, but he was just a jerk sometimes. So you let out a mocking, incredulous giggle right in front of his face as you backed up a step while rolling your eyes childishly annoyed. Chan wanted to give you a good spanking for your immature response.
“Oh my god. I can’t believe it. Are you listening to yourself? Why would I have to tell you every word I say to anyone whenever I meet someone new, huh?”
Chan was ready to calm down, but your mocking chuckle greatly upset him.
“Why would you keep it from me?”
“Chan… because…” his gaze darkened, you looked him straight in the eyes, he hated you calling him Chan while arguing, he hated you calling him by his name while talking seriously without any affection, “I could have told you properly, we could have talked about this, telling you I met someone new on the way home, being us, but you always have to do the same old shit and come angrily towards m…”
“Watch your language and tone when you’re talking to me,” he interrupted you, domineering, clenching his teeth, almost piercing you with his gaze, leaving you speechless.
You swallowed dryly and looked at him again. You didn’t want to argue. Not tonight or tomorrow. Because his sister was coming to visit you tomorrow afternoon for the month of the holidays and you wanted to have more love than contempt for him now. You barely took the courage to speak up, to communicate and express everything, and if you were upset about it then it would be reflected in your speech… but him. Either you were leaving… or you were still there.
“Why?” you said calmer but still direct and sharp, still as if your body and mind obeyed him automatically, having a lot of impact on you, “Are you the only one who has the right to be angry now?”
He nodded softly, with a calm expression, leaving you like a small bomb about to explode. Why? You hated his level-headed expression, always being right apparently, always having the last word and winning the fight.
Your eyes glistened, stinging and burning with the sensation of hateful tears building up in your eyes and the painful knot stuck in your throat. You wanted to tell him so many things. He was the love of your life but you wanted to tell him to fuck off, to claim to him exactly the same things he was telling you. But you stopped, your heart raced and you took a deep breath. You were in an internal battle… thinking if this was a small fight, a small scene of jealousy, and if you continued you would make the problem bigger…. but it wasn’t the first time it had happened and you had no idea why this particular time it was weighing on you more than the other times. You hated not knowing how to decipher what this was all about.
“I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight.”
You just said that, tired, defeated, like someone helpless and abandoned, unwilling to sleep in the same bed with him if you were going to be like this, conflicted, tense, not getting his sweet kisses before bed and snuggling into his body. You’d rather sleep alone than coldly turn your back on him.
You turned, ready to go back upstairs when his hand stopped you by abruptly grabbing your wrist.
“You don’t have to sleep in the guest room when this is also your home and you have your room to sleep in, with me. We just need to talk. I know you and Changbin exchanged numbers, I want you to delete his contact, and block him, now.”
You watched him. You swallowed the lump in your throat and Chan tightened his grip on you.
“What? I won’t do it. Let go of me. I don’t want to see you tonight.”
That hurt. Chan thought you were taking it a little far, dragging it out, as he inwardly recanted after seeing your pretty, sweet face about to break down in tears. He just wanted you to know that you were his and no one else’s, that if another guy wants to be your friend then he must know him first and boy did he know Changbin, quite the playboy, womanizer, party boy, Chan was shocked that you got along with a guy like him. Chan just wanted to teach you a lesson tonight. But you had other ideas. You were including the emotional, he felt bad, but he couldn’t stop himself, if he was going to hurt you a little to let you know very well how much he loves you and cares about you, then he would make the sacrifice.
“Why do I have to do it, huh? Why always me? I never tell you anything when all those little doll idols would touch your arm and lean their skinny bodies towards you calling you their oppa or all that shit with their irritating voices while inviting you to their apartments right in front of me and expressing how muuuuuch they want to work with you again. You’re a fucking asshole” you snapped.
Chan released you and looked at you sternly for a few seconds. You frowned and looked at him with confusion as it seemed he was about to say or do something else and you felt a hint of curiosity to know what it was, but he just broke into a loud and mocking chuckle, changing his face to serious completely, narrowing his eyes and showing his teeth.
You were completely confused now. What had been so funny? Now you were annoyed to hear his mocking laughter. It was as if Chan was waiting for you to explode. His body relaxed and so did his mind, thinking you looked adorable when you were angry. When he finished laughing and only a smile remained on his face, you could notice the glow and tenderness in his gaze at the sight of you. You scoffed in disbelief, thinking he was a fucking lunatic, switching from one emotion to another.
Once again, you were about to walk away and leave him there, you were confused and slightly annoyed, but he stopped you again, taking a step towards you and putting his hands on your waist.
“Aw my love, did you always mean that? Complain about the other girls?” he spoke, cocky, and leaned in to whisper in your ear, “Why didn’t you ever say anything, huh? Why… you’ve never claimed what’s yours…”
You shuddered. Because I’m not crazy and I don't distrust you. You thought but didn’t say it. His grip became harder and he pressed his body against yours, making you nervous in seconds, his hair was still soft despite the cold weather he was exposed to for a few moments, he still had his manly cologne and his body was warm, you adored being close to him. You didn’t respond, you stood transfixed in your place, uneasy but comfortable with his closeness. You wanted to know what he would say next… Chan whispered in your ear again, sultry voice, his cheek brushing against your skin.
“Because… I’m about to do so, claim what’s mine. Someone tonight spent the night showing you off, standing next to you… someone who wasn’t me and you? You stood by his side like a fucking obedient whore. Oh… you don’t know how fucking pissed off you’ve made me. Being such a bad girl for daddy.”
You were building your arousal slowly at every word that came out of his mouth, as if it was the most erotic and filthy thing, because Chan got you too worked up, his domineering build clinging to you and his rough voice whispering in your ear sent shivers down your spine. Until you heard that word, that word he likes to refer to himself in and he likes you to call him that from time to time during sex and you understood it all. All this time he wanted to play that. You thought that if he wanted to fuck, he should have told you from the beginning and he could have spared you all the drama and the series of disastrous emotions he put you through. You wanted to tell him to fuck off once again… but your heart was beating fast now for other intentions as you quickly thought of the beautiful, pleasurable sex your boyfriend gives you and that you adore so much… plus the possibility of a good fuck with some hateful, angry, after your little argument, shit, you couldn’t stop yourself.
“Bad girls deserve their lesson. Come on, I’m going to give you your punishment in front of the Christmas tree so you can see the pretty lights while daddy teaches you how to be a good little girl again.”
Chan picked you up before you could respond or react, taking you by surprise.
“Cha-chan” you protested vaguely.
He led you into the main living room, just as he said, where you both decorated happily and sweetly days ago, putting the Christmas tree and the stockings with your initials hanging on the fireplace.
Chan left his gloves on the little table and took your bag on your shoulder to leave it there too.
“What did you just call me?” he said, serious as he pulled you down from his arms, raising his eyebrows as he looked at you testing you as if you had said something wrong and he was waiting for you to correct yourself.
You looked him in the eyes, he was getting more and more dauntingly close to you, you didn’t want to say it, it was so unnecessary… and so hot, Chan was particularly hotter when he got into that mode, so dominant as if something about it possessed him.
You opened your mouth, looking at him submissively. He thought you were about to give in and listen to him; however, you only provoked him more for fun.
“Chan.”
You noticed his eyes widen slightly, annoyed, surprised, you almost smiled, the corner of your lips quivering at the complicit and huge smile you want to put on your face, you know how very angry it makes him that you behave somewhat spoiled, but you know deep down how much he loves to correct you, how much he loves his dirty little game where you get uneasy and are hopeless until he fucks you dumb. You know exactly what was waiting for you and you were uncontrollably aroused under your calm demeanor and naughty look; your pussy was throbbing and tingling, you could feel the wetness in your folds, and the most pathetic thing was that you had provoked it on yourself… by thinking and thinking, by remembering exactly the precise measure of your boyfriend’s big cock tight and choking in your cunt. It was pathetic because Chan had done absolutely nothing but gently tease you with his words, calling you a bad girl and calling himself daddy. The good thing was that you were good at pretending, but as soon as he dared to undress you, to really touch you, he would find out how very wet you were for absolutely nothing. Just for being him, wearing his suit, and looking at you like helpless prey.
“You’re going to keep behaving like this, huh? Are you gonna be a difficult slut?” he mumbled, finally putting his hands on you, stealing your breath, “You really want to disobey Daddy and get your punishment, don’t you? I won’t be gentle at all, baby girl.”
You stood still, but excitedly restless, almost letting out a shuddering sigh as you felt his big hands on you. You were ready for him to touch you, to let you do with your body whatever he wanted, you needed him, you wanted him, and you were giving in completely. You watched him, your eyes shining straight up at him submissively, asking for action, passion, and sex, hungry for lust in the only great way that only Chan can achieve in you.
You half opened your mouth, softly sighing, it was getting harder and harder for you to breathe, your heart was pounding and your sensitive pussy wouldn’t leave you alone, everything was happening sizzling in slow motion; his heavy gaze on you and his slightly icy hands on your waist. Again, you wanted to kiss him.
But suddenly everything happened so fast, leaving you surprised and unable to react almost. Chan seemed to be acting slow, watching you with desire and teasing you with his closeness that he knew how much it drove you crazy… but suddenly, he nimbly slipped his hands under your dress, caressing your thighs briefly until he tugged at your safety shorts and panties, making you sigh and leaving you with the strange sensation of your pussy exposed, your warm folds and pussy lips abandoning the comfort of the fabric of your panties. Chan left your garments by your knees, looking almost humiliated the way they were merely there, your underwear stuck on your thighs. He smiled arrogantly, getting a small glimpse of the fabric of your wet panties. You watched his hands make the sudden movement, you were surprised to see his noticeably large bulge in his pants and then you saw him, confused and surprised, but excited, your clit throbbing as you discovered he was already getting hard too, just at the thought of the sexual act that awaited you and the tension that was building up.
“Are you going to undress yourself or shall I? Huh?” he tilted his face towards you, waiting for an answer, toying with you, “Are you going to cooperate with daddy? Because if I take it off, I’m going to rip that whole tiny red dress you’re wearing, you fucking whore.”
His words were harsh. You didn’t answer and just watched him with your heavy breathing. You were speechless, you were so aroused that if you started talking you would moan and begin to stutter, you didn’t want to look this helpless in front of him, at least not now. But deep down… you wanted him to be the one to take absolute control.
“You’re not going to answer? Are you going to remain like this? Fine” he sentenced somewhat annoyed.
He reached down on his knees to slide your shorts and panties off your legs, stood up again, and in quick, sharp movements he tried to remove your dress and finally got rid of your bra. You let him do it and in a few seconds you were completely naked in front of him, with your hardened nipples resenting a little change of weather, even so, it did not compare with the intense fire you had inside, you wanted to be touched and satisfied, you wanted pleasure in any way provided by your boyfriend.
Chan watched you for a few seconds, your frail body exposed and naked for him made to carry that bubbling sensation move through his crotch on his pumping erect rigid cock. He licked his lips, memorizing every part of your body, your coy movements as you pressed your legs together, which he knew was a habit of yours because you were so adorable and incredibly turned on that it was hard for you to control your very cute and needy pussy, he memorized how you bit your lip nervously and the shimmer in the eye shadow, your makeup intact, just before he’s about to ruin it, making you gasp and whimper.
He roughly grabbed your wrist, squeezing it tightly, forcing you to walk and taking you a few steps to the front of the couch. He stood in front of you, and for the first time that night, he gently touched your face in his hands, but then squeezed your cheeks as if he was enforcing authority by making you look at him.
“You’ve been a very very bad girl and you know the consequences for that” he whispered, released your face, sat down on the couch and ordered you roughly. “In four, now. Hands and knees on the floor and from now on I want you to respond to everything I tell you, understand?”
Chan ran his tongue along the inside of his lower lip, getting no response, he bent his body and reached up to your ass, quickly and unexpectedly giving it a hard spank, repeating, “I said, did you understand?”
His hand burned into your soft, unprepared skin, which finally, you fulfilled his fantasy, and yours, leaving your pride and games aside, as you responded between in a surprised gasp and needy tone:
“Yes, Daddy.”
That was music to Chan’s ears, a delight to all his senses, your adored voice, the one he loved so much, as sweet as honey and soft as velvet, submissively saying exactly what he wants to hear, your little mouth struggling against the obscenities by which you will be subjected... but nothing will compare to the sound of your skin breaking and your whimpering, combining with the squirt of her soaking wet pussy being used by him as he wished.
He leaned back against the coach quietly and you looked at him, his erection was bigger in his pants and all you could think about was how much you wanted to ride his cock, at your pace, lovingly, but you listened to him as you knew you were in for something else, you still would enjoyed it.
Your hands and knees on the floor. Your eyes to the Christmas tree—just as he said, and your body submissive and exposed for Chan. He bent down again, you almost recoiled at the sound of his body on the couch, moving closer to you. Chan caressed your exposed ass and ran his fingers gently across your pussy making you moan softly, you were again restless and aroused.
“My baby doll, you have a beautiful ass, too bad I’m going to leave it bruised.”
That said, you closed your eyes tightly and let out a groan of shock, almost like hiccups. Your first spanking. Hard, burning and rough. Chan continued mercilessly, keeping his word, hit after hit, echoing in the room your skin abused by his heavy hand. You arched your back, curled your toes and your hands clutched the floor as you whimpered and bit your lip in desperation seeking release, but you couldn’t help it, it was so dirty and painful but you loved it, you loved the sound of your ass being pounded and of the impact of his hand leaving your buttocks in searing pain.
“I want you to think about how bad you’ve been, little girl. About what you did that Daddy has to give you this punishment.”
“Yes, Daddy” you replied in a gasp.
You had done nothing wrong, but at this point you couldn’t reveal yourself or turn back time, you were surrendered and immersed in his lustful method of pleasure.
Your makeup began to smear, your eyes watered and just as you were painfully tired, he paused for a moment, finally turning his attention to your throbbing, wet sex. Chris’s cock twitched at the sensation of your pussy coating his fingers. He continued to caress your burning, red ass with one hand while teasing your entrance with the other, making a comment for it:
“Are you liking it, you fucking slut? Do you enjoy it when daddy puts you in your place and spanks you for your bad behavior? Look at that pretty pussy, god, you’re so soaking wet, making a mess for me.”
Another unexpected pair of spankings and his naughty fingers exploring your intimacy that altered every part of you.
You were obsessed with your boyfriend, both of you were of each other, which is why that detail led you to be in precisely the situation you were in now. You knew to perfection the shape, size and color of his fingers, long, pale with a pinkish undertone, veiny, you could visualize the obscene image of them caressing your soaked pussy, of the fingertips pinching your clit and rubbing wildly between your labia to be wrapped around them and, of his digits abusing your entrance, of getting lost in it leaving a mess every time he pushed them deeper and deeper into you.
He kept spanking you, playing with your entrance, going deeper and deeper into you and using your hole carelessly as if it were a toy. Once again he kept his word when he said he would not be gentle. You were a mess, you didn’t know what to concentrate on at all, you babbled and squealed daddy every time your ass hurt and you felt yourself dripping more and more on his fingers.
You were close, so close to reaching your orgasm that your entire lower body burned in sharp, intense pain, Chan gathered, from the irregularity and change of tone in your whimpers and your sweet, soft pussy muscles throbbing and tightening from an immediate release of your peak of sexual desire.
“Are you about to cum, princess? My baby girl wants to reach her orgasm?” he spoke with a certain teasing tone in his sentences.
You nodded, desperate. Tousling your hair, letting it fall over your face, humiliated and incredibly aroused, whimpering in pleasure and pain, losing all your pride as you clung to the cold floor as you responded:
“Yes-yes-yes-y, Daddy, I’m going to cum.”
He blurted out a chuckle, “Really? You’re going to cum while I pound your ass and treat your little pussy roughly? You like being treated like this?”
You whimpered, letting out a squeal as you received your last and most painful spanking, as Chan increased the speed of his fingers in your pussy, the obscene and humiliating sound of your fluids colliding with his digits being heard.
“Yes, Daddy, I-”
“You’re fucked up, baby girl” he mumbled, almost satisfied.
Satisfied to see your ass ruined and red and you still managed to squirm in pleasure.
But Chan stopped, right at the hottest and most exact moment, leaving you mad and in pieces.
“No…” you whispered, annoyed, crestfallen holding all the frustration and strength in your body.
“Well, you don’t deserve such a thing” he added, slapping your exposed vulva twice to which you squealed in surprise, “You don’t deserve to cum, not even if you beg for it you fucking whore. You’ll cum until I say so.”
Chan sighed audibly almost in a groan, getting up from the couch while you remained in the same position, feeling the real pain and burning in your buttocks now that Chan had removed his hands from there. It hurt so much, the tingling from the impact ran through your body that you even wanted to cry again, the worst thing was that even with that pain you couldn’t calm your intense desire to have him.
The next thing you heard was the sound of his clothes tugging, Chan taking off his suit jacket, he unbuttoned the first few of his shirt and the sound of a zipper pulling down and soft fabric falling gracefully rubbing something. You knew right away.
“Come here. I’ll let you get Daddy’s cock ready before I tear your fucking little cunt apart.”
You couldn’t move, your body hurt so much, still, with your own strength, you stood up, your ass red, your makeup smeared and your eyes teary. As soon as you turned around, he came back or to say:
“Get on your knees. You’re going to suck Daddy’s cock” you watched him, from his eyes, going down to meet his pressed cock in his boxers, in a bulge, hard and large. “I didn’t hear your answer.”
“Yes, Daddy!”
You almost responded immediately, almost shivering as if you were freezing to death but it was just the nature of your nervous and highly aroused body and mind, devoted and surrendered to him, making you get on your knees submissively in front of him, raising your gaze, your pain was hard to avoid, but so was your unsettling pleasure. Your hands were indecisive and restless, about to touch his stiff exposed erection that looked so tempting to your sore eyes. Chan was caressing his cock, so pumping, red, and stimulated, dripping in the pretty pink tip of his precum.
“Ah, ah, don't touch until I say so,” he warned you, his voice coming from deep inside him, sounding thicker, you knew he was extremely aroused at this point. “Open your mouth and stick out your tongue.”
You obeyed him and he, so lost in pleasure took a step towards you, seeing you from above with every noticeable vein in his body exposed to view, his vein in his neck, from his big hands, from his cock...
Chan stroked his cock gently, masturbating it a little then put a part of his cock and glans on your warm tongue, rubbing himself on you.
“Ff-fuck, oh yeah, taste that fucking precum, baby” he moaned, watching you with pleasure, smiling slightly then closing his eyes and gently throwing his head back for a moment.
That had caused more pleasure in you than his fingers and spanking had caused in you before, you loved blowing Chan because you could hear him moaning and your mouth was busy with his big cock in it, it felt so good that just the feel of his soft glans on your tongue and his thick white droplets, you were again a sea of bliss on your bottom, shivering in despair.
“Now I want you to lick it, lick my cock up and down, just like that, yes-yes, use your hands, baby girl.”
You were so happy to hear such quiet commands as licking his cock and you enjoyed every second, you felt it first, your hand cupping a fist to stroke it better, every part of his texture and every single detailed feature, just for you.
“Ff-fuck.”
Chan was close, he had resisted orgasm hard giving his best effort, but the submissive sight of his little girl on her knees for him running her tongue over his big, stiff cock like it was candy didn’t help matters.
You licked his entire length, just as he gently commanded you, reveling in his pumping sex on your tongue and lips, wishing for a moment that he was naked too so you could see his wonderful figure at that angle you were.
“Put it in your mouth” he whined and you quickly did it, “oh yeah, bobbing your head all over daddy’s cock, just like that, mmm. Good girl.”
You put his cock in your mouth, wrapping it around your lips and finally feeling his throbbing sex inside your cavity. It felt so good to have him like this, pleasuring him as he moaned and bit his lip. You wanted to touch yourself as your pussy had a life of its own down there, so throbbing, dripping, and needy, but you knew that touching yourself would lead to no good if Chan found you out. He stroked your hair as you held his cock with your right hand while with your left, awkwardly and nervously you gently caressed his clean, smooth pubic area, his balls from time to time, and his pronounced pelvis rising towards his exercised abdomen.
You let yourself get a little carried away from the feel and taste of Chan that without thinking you slowly wanted his cock a little down your throat, you wanted the feel of his thick member fucking every part of you, but Chan delicately tightened his grip on your hair, pulling it back to pull his cock out of your mouth, leaving his member bouncing gently in the air and brushing against your lips, his erection wet and stimulated and you dripping in your saliva and his precum, confused, looking into his eyes.
However, the next thing you felt you didn’t expect it at all, his large hand slapping moderately hard on your cheek leaving it red and sore.
“I never said to use your throat, huh. Did you want daddy’s cock so bad? Stand up, you’re going to get it now.”
You were still in shock from the slap, but you obeyed as you understood that it would finally happen. Chan grabbed you roughly by your forearm, putting you on your back to him, he forced you to bend over, as you clumsily held onto the couch, as he had put his body behind you. Chan began rubbing his glans on your wet, swollen, juicy vulva, pleasuring himself on your labia before shallowly positioning the head of his cock at your entrance.
You wanted to scream for him to do it, you wanted him to fuck you from the first instant your panties began to get wet for him.
“There will be no safe word, I am going to fuck you hard to remind you that you are mine and you are going to take Daddy’s cock whole like the slut you behaved like tonight, got it?”
You were about to answer, but a squeal came out of you as you felt his pumping deep throbbing penetration piercing your insides. You whimpered between pleasure and pain, Chan was opening your entrance, and inside, your pussy always struggling to accommodate his well-endowed penis.
He began to fuck you while holding on to your hips and touching your very sensitive ass from time to time, he caressed your whole body, your back, and your tits while keeping a deep, fast, and tearing rhythm that left you breathless. You started to see blurred, you were lost, with your pussy choking his cock, about to cum again when he came out of you; he took your body with ease and held you up, making you wrap your legs around his waist. Chan wanted to see your tired, frustrated face as you struggled with his big cock in your pussy.
He smiled at the sight of you, your cheeks red and a little of his precum at the corner of your lips, your eyes bright and your whole face begging for sex. He re-entered you, holding your body from your ass which you whimpered at your sensitivity. Chan controlled your body, dropping your body so that his cock slid into you, making you both whimper, he was big, he didn’t fit all the way in, and his cock squeezed at your entrance and pushed your cervix every time he did that.
He continued to control your body, causing you to be a mess in search of your ultimate release in an orgasm.
“Tell me that you’re mine” he started to babble.
The idea of just owning and having you quickly went to his head, of being him and only him the only one who has you screaming with pleasure, the only one who loves you and knows how you like it. Chan always fucks you sweet and slow, gentle, just because his cock is big at your entrance, but sometimes he does it hard when you ask him to, but now he was destroying you beautifully, and you couldn’t hold back anymore.
“I’m yours, daddy, fuck-”you were speaking haltingly and breathlessly.
“Daddy, please” you whimpered, his cock was being too much for you.
“Daddy, please” he mimicked you mockingly making a high-pitched tone of voice with a smug smile, “Please what, don’t you like how all your little pussy is being taken by daddy?”
You nodded, tears welling up in your eyes.
You finally felt it, your orgasm, so close and there was something you always wanted.
“Can I kiss you, Daddy?”
He smiled, “Do it, baby girl” he replied breathlessly.
You began to squirt his cock and part of his thighs and the rest fell to the floor, finally, you felt his lips and cautiously unbuttoned his shirt to feel and appreciate his exercised chest.
“Daddy, can I cum?”
“Fuck, baby girl, yes do it.”
You whimpered again, louder, hugged him, brushing your breasts on his pecs, feeling his soft hair and the scent of his perfume on his neck and you cum shuddered, wanting to release every muscle in your body, leaving you trembling and pleasurably agonized.
Chan enjoyed the disaster of your orgasm, sliding his cock inside you for a few more seconds until he hit your cervix with the spurt of his hot cum.
“Mmm” was all you could say as you caught your breath and felt his orgasm fill you completely still leaning on his shoulder near his neck.
Chan left you there, your body wracked and well satisfied, clinging to him.
He stroked your hair and whispered a sweet “I love you. Do you want to see the snow outside, princess?”
꒰ ୨୧ ─ ・┈ ・ ─ ・┈ ─ ・┈ ─ ・┈ ୨୧ ꒱
꒰ 𐙚TAGLIST: @rylea08 @hann1bee @iovecb97 @armystay89 @cherricola-star @lolareadsimagines @ayyonoona @do-you-remember-summer-127 @wildtokay @korthbum @hyune-ssne @oddracha ꒱
#bang chan#bangchan#bang chan smut#bangchan smut#stray kids#skz#stray kids smut#skz smut#bang chan x reader#bang chan x you#stray kids x reader#stray kids x you#skz x reader#skz x you#skz imagines#bang chan hard thoughts#𐙚wen writes♡₊˚⊹#chan x reader#chan x you#chan smut
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MASSIVE gojo x reader fanfic rec (no spoilers)
ok i know a lot of my followers are gojo girlies and i just need to put yall onto this fucking fanfiction because i just read the latest release for it and i’m genuinely tweaking rn🧍🏻♀️
@lostfracturess ‘s amazing work called “symptoms & causes” - a medical au
[image pulled from her masterlist]
let me just…let me just try to even gather the reasons why you need to add this to your tbr lists (weekend is comin up too so perfect time)
characterization of gojo satoru.
gojo in this fic is characterized so fucking well, from chapter one. there are so many distinctive ways miss lostfractures goes about building his aura (word of mouth/reputation, dialogue, expository, primary interactions, secondary interactions, etc.) it reminds me of the show where gojo just has this energy to him that you can't tear yourself away from i picture him in this fic to be unrelenting, unforgiving, morally grey, with an undertone of softness yet still feral through it all,, basically gojo during shibuya arc LOL. i looove reading cute silly boy gojo fics sm (he’s so baby) but THIS fic explores the borderline wicked side of him that is so thrilling, unique, and rare to find i think in this fandom’s collection of works. it’s just so fucking good.
forbidden romance.
UGGHH i love stories w forbidden romance. in this one, it’s med student reader x professor gojo (additional power dynamics in that he’s a senior surgeon in her field and also a research mentor in her study of interest…TRIPLE THREAT DAMN). i love how miss lostfractures doesn’t shy away from reminding the reader that it’s wrong, and that they shouldn’t be doing this. that’s my fave part of forbidden romances like yesss remind me again why this is all so wrong but let’s still do it anyways LOL <333
reader’s voice.
i’ve LOVED reader since the beginning, so relatable, emotionally mature, all her flaws are so believable & her strengths are shown seamlessly. it’s just so much fun to read because i’ll literally have a thought like “hmm…that (something a character said/did) doesn’t sound very convincing” and then the next line will be something like “he didn’t sound very convincing” like!!! me and s&c reader?? we’re locked in like this fr🤞🏼 like gojo’s domain expansion fingers
escapism.
everything in this story feels so damn real it’s insane. the pacing is stunning, love the utilization of stacks of scenes that are sort of short but so concise, enough to be a smooth read but still descriptive enough to entirely transport you into the world that’s being built. cannot praise the writing in this story enough. also the variety of ways that scenarios are made that pull characters closer to one another?? so creative. as someone who works in a research lab, studied bio in college (some of the fkn biochem stuff that comes up in this fic gives me heart attacks lmfaooo pls im traumatized), and has worked in clinics/hospitals it just itches my brain so damn good. you’ll be convinced you’re a brilliant med student while you read this fic.
writing.
the writing is just. so. good. it’s so good. better than most PUBLISHED works i’ve read. i really can't say much other than that, you just have to go see for yourself.
—
if any of these reasons speak to you, i highly recommend you check the fic out. just a note tho it does have some dark themes but you can find all the tags/warnings on her page!
OK BYE
#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen fanfiction#gojo satoru#gojo x reader#gojo smut#jjk gojo#geto suguru#gojo satoru angst#series#alternate universe#romance#smut#fluff#angst#jjk smut#long fic#jjk series#medical au#gojo satoru x reader#satoru gojo x reader#fic rec#jujutsu kaisen fic rec#jjk fic rec#gojo satoru fic rec#gojo fic rec#celestie fic rec
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thought of how software by nick lutsco is soooo abel coded
I saw how you suffered
And I was covered in shame
I take offense at my comfort
And never remember your names
"you" in the first line is scott -- abel is ashamed of how 01_01 suffered due to abel trying to bring scott back, but ultimately in the next lyrics he refuses to let himself be comfortable in life without either the grief of losing scott or the joy of having scott back. he doesn't try to remember the names of the other managers after scott dies because hes practically just waiting until the day one of them can be scott.
I am blaming the software
There’s something wrong with the code
Then we fight for solutions
As if we’re screaming at ghosts
It’s all a part of the display
It only adds to the pain
I left my car on the freeway
And I'm never going back again
the first two lyrics is ... literally him trying to figure out how to bring scott back. he figures if he just reoptimizes the code a bit more, itll be like scott never left and everything will be worth it. he'll be a person again. "then we fight for solutions / as if we're screaming at ghosts" is abel trying to find a solution to his grief over scott, but it's a losing cause. he is both literally arguing with ghosts (the people who have died in the name of becoming scott) and metaphorically doing so (trying to argue for something that is intangible). "it's all a part of the display / it only adds to the pain" because 01_01 was marketed but that only made abel feel worse when 01_01 kept failing to be scott, along with the subsequent five managers and every phone guy after that abel got to witness... "i left my car on the freeway / and i'm never going back again" is a bit more of a stretch but like. cars are vehicles typically used to get somewhere or get away from somewhere, a means of transport. in this sense, abel has stagnated. hes still trying to get to the same goal by some means but hes rejecting the one way that will get him there reliably. he is going towards a cause he keeps sabotaging himself on and the cause (bringing back scott) was doomed from the start !!! my brains kinda short circuiting cuz im tired rn but i have THOUGHTS on this.
I keep surmising you’re next And my indifference withdraws I begin pulling you closer And mourn each passing day lost It’s like I’m fighting a sickness Convincing me we’re already gone Sometimes it feels like God is a DJ And “Tribulation” is His favorite song
first two lines are about abel w/ the five managers after scott passes... he keeps sending the five managers to their deaths and while hes a dick in the name of having scott back, each time he might be able to have scott back he softens a bit in the face of it. he keeps pulling the memory of scott closer and mourning him just as badly, and itd likely be hard for that not to leech into when the five managers get closer to being "scott". but then his hopes are shattered again, of course. also on the "tribulation is His favorite song" line -- tribulation can literally mean "an experience that tests one's endurance, patience, or faith" and especially with scott being treated like almost a deity in how highly hes spoken of ... abel believing that all the pain hes going through is a test of faith in scott... aauagh.
this is part headcanon and all but its still interesting to think about in terms of application and interpretation of canon events methinks ↕️🙂
[btw... @rratskill @antiquecandlekitty sorry for pings but i think yall would like this... feel free to tell me not to mention yall in the future if that bugs you :)]
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...Sophie... you did it again... another banger fic... and with Mr. Reca no less...
That part where the servants asked why we married him of all people😭😭 I let out a giggle or two I fear 😔
AND THEN THE TERMS OF AFFECTION??? "My dearest star" THROWING UP I AM SO SICK AT HOW SOFT THAT IS WHAT
"In this life, I will ensure you have only the best of endings."
???? HELLO????? SCREAMING??? SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS IS THIS HINTING TOWARDS A REGRESSION WHAT ???? And the sprinkles of lore throughout the fic... like our family situation, the brief mention/allusion of how Reca never showed any interest in marriage before us, that mini soft moment with Assistant Director, Reca's actions when he thinks we're not looking, and then the bomb right at the end where it implies he's traveled back in time??? Gosh that makes me wonder if in the previous life we never managed to escape our family which resulted in a "bad ending" of sorts in his eyes...
Head in hands I don't know how you manage to do it every time but ourgh... what an amazing fic... fr kissing the ground you walk on because with each post I swear my brain expands with your work 🥹
nonnie... i am kissing u rn. we are like this 🤞
but YES reca is a loser shut-in with no interest for others outside of his "acting/performance" lense, with them fretting for years over the chance of there being an heir slipping further and further away... until he brought u home saying ur marrying LMAO
when i tell u.... when i tell u "my dearest star" had me in shambles... personally im not a big petname person, only like "(my) love" and "(my) dear", but with reca canonically calling us "my dear leading actor" and stuff... haha... brainwaves.... but also u quite literally are the star in his life, shining brighter than anyone else even in his past life—
hehe... yeah... regressed duke reca.... unfortunately i am a huge sucker for regression/time reversal plots and that with reca was just too good to not put in ;w;;; BUT YES !! in his past life, u never managed to leave ur family, only being stuck as a pawn for their plans (which ultimately failed and drove ur family to ruin but ahahhahaghfdgh), and he only ever saw u at balls, sometimes managing to engage in conversation with u for moments far too brief for his liking before u were pulled away by ur family. he had his suspicions about there being something wrong, but only discovered what was really going on when word of ur family being on trial was announced, and he was forced to bear witness to a fate far too unkind to you.
his "best of endings" in question is pretty much just him ensuring ur happiness and safety and giving u all the love he wished to give u in the prev life ;w; sniffle sob duke reca the man that u are...
BUT IM SO HAPPY U ENJOYED THE FIC AND PICKED UP ON THESE LIL BITS RAHHHHH
#omg a convo !?#nonnies !!#sophie talks : stardust#haha... i love writing lore i will never expand on bc i more than likely wont make continuing parts.... its so fun ahah....#sighs. sometimes the brain rots too much ;w;
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hiii, im back <3333
i was just thinking about how doyoung kind of remains mysterious in his rituals, like i for once never seem to fully understand what tf is going on inside in his mind maybe i just didn't put enough effort in understanding his microexpressions, still ive been thinking about him winding down for the day lately and every trivial aspect of him like getting out of bath and using body oil or something, bonus points if it gets anomalous teehee because unlike some allegations of him being greasy i think he takes his hygiene very seriously!! atleast whenever he could. sooooo could you pleaaseee maybe sometime write about him just indulging himself in his unwind routine and getting ready for his next day, it's just very important for my mental health i think...yeahh and it doesn't matter which part of timeline it's set in, possibly somewhere in ep 6? im not being serious here, i never was.
lots of love byeee 💗💗💗
hihihi welcome back dear <33
doyoung is totally mysterious! i think it is absolutely intended by the show to make us, the viewers, not privy to the interworkings of his mind. this makes it easier for us to sympathize with dongsoo (to a point..) and it makes it easier for us as viewers to write doyoung off as a psycho criminal killer and NOT understand him as an inexperienced lovesick fool. i think this is totally intentional so i don't think you Missed anything by not scrubbing every scene <3
re: hygeine. HMMMM... so i am more of a greasetruther. at least up until the silver jacket gets replaced with suits and such. but all of that, the fashion upgrade for dy and his men, i see as a direct result of ds' desires. pre-suited dy and gang, his hair is noticeably like. greasy. it just is. i think if he cared about hygiene/appearance on his own, he'd keep his hair shorter and maybe own more than one pair of pants.
BUT! in ep6, he does change to become Cleaner. so your timing here would be correct. like i said i think this is only because of dongsoo. he realizes just how important status/respect/appearance* is to dongsoo, and decides to make himself more desirable by slicking his hair back and dressing like an adult. but i unfortunately do not think he would ever make this decision if not for dongsoo's high standards.
if i do this i think i can make it ep6, a little pre-funeral prep sesh. here are my problems: this would be totally doyoung centric, doyoung pov doyoung brained solo doyoung alone in his big borrowed house. this is AWESOME in theory, but i THRIVE with dialogue, back and forths and quips and spoken lies and stuff. i do not feel like i have a strong, detailed voice for bathtime relaxation. but also ep6 is a rocky dyds episode, ds is supposedly leaving for good and never coming back, dy knows his (ds') mom is going to be executed, dy has already said his would-be final goodbyes... this is tough.
and this: "im not being serious here, i never was." i think (and i could be wrong, i don't quite know, this is only my best guess) that you're trying to say something like "haha jk... unless?" but i am not entirely sure. but i take everything (EVERYTHING) very very very seriously even in our extremely fast paced irony-poisoned world. my friends call me "serious" all the time. there is no need to be anything but serious w/ me! otherwise i actually get pretty confused (which may be evident rn) but plzzz never feel any kind of shame or embarrassment for any kind of ask to me! FR!
i take this show and my contributions to it like, deathly seriously. that is the only reason i cannot 100% guarantee u that i can pull this off. i have started a doc and jotted down my initial notes/thoughts, so it is there! but this will not be my main focus rn. the longer i think on things the more ideas i get, so this request might just take me some time to mull over/break down/work out. and maybe it'll turn out like super radical gnarly awesome cool. this is something that we will find out together!
MUCH LOVE ALWAYS! thank u forever for ur ask and i promise i will think some more on this and see if i can't figure it out <33
#ilml#asked and answered#if you have any specific ideas/thoughts/scenes about this in mind feel free to send my way#that might help me work out something feasible
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MIITOPIA SCS 🥺🥺🥺🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 i love love love playing with my fav enstars charas again!!! so happy i picked this game up again after way too long!!!
some chara dynamics ive been thinking about under the cut!! note that canon is only loosely considered bc these charas are basically my ocs 😭🩷
kaname (kanamie :3) here is based off my old ogmeru hcs back in the day and i love thinking abt him as the 'glue' to the group in a way?? hes got a very big presence, loud and proud, tho deeply insecure... hes got the airheaded trait so hes always in the clouds in his own world, can be stubborn and hard to work with. but he is very cute so its fine. he is best friends with mayoi and has a crush on tatsumi... also hes a popstar!
tatsumi here in my game is so funny bc he keeps acting in character, aka, chaotic as fuck!! he loves the foods everyone hates, says he swallows giant MP candies in one go, definitely has the ability to kill whenever he wants but simply chooses not to which is somehow scarier . Even tho i gave him the kind trait, hes got threatening :) vibes, yknow. he has loves both mayoi and kaname #polyamory. cleric!
rinne has the laid back trait, and he hates literally every single food for some reason?? 🥲 im sorry man. i dont have him set up for anyone rn, but i might do something with niki or develop his relationship w hiiro later on as the story progresses. i have niki and hiiro as npcs but im planning to use them for when my main team eventually gets kidnapped lol. hes a thief
finally, mayoi!! my main chara and hero, he loves and cares for his team so much. esp kaname! he feels very strongly abt him and wants him to be happy and safe. sometimes falls into ocd thought spirals because he convinces himself his genuine love and affection for him is smth perverse and wrong. but he understands how his brain is and knows hes just being 🫠. anyway hes a mage !!!! and lowkey has a giant crush on rinne too
i definitely want to turn mayoi into a cat or an imp when the option comes up. so maybe my story will change entirely when that happens bc the thought of imp mayoi wanting to protect this cutesy popstar kaname is super adorable to me. plus imp mayoi and cleric tatsumi!! YES!!!!!!!!!! i love it so much
now some more misc rambles ... mayoi and kaname randomly got mad at each other and now the thought of kaname getting >:| easily and throwing out canon kaname style 'insults' is so ... i love u. i can never be mad at you. tho mayoi would probably be so sad and then kaname would be sad too (shoots myself)
#minnie post#miitopia#kaname tojou#mayoi ayase#rinne amagi#tatsumi kazehaya#ah yes my ocs . they were born in enstars but theyre mine now#kaname is so cute in this fucking game i need to die DO U SEE HIS OUTFITS and his little face i need to cry#hes my angel#and mayoi !!! Im so glad he has the clown outfit im literally never changing it#i wanna draw clowncore mayoi with this magical girl looking kaname#his blue outfit i got in a chest and omg#ITS SO CUTE#This game is so cute and so fun i love enstars i love them !!! my babies !!!!!!!!!#i can never hate u
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airplanes - matt s.
summary : y/n and matt are meeting for the first time after 6 months of talking online.
pairings : longdistancebf!matt x gf!reader
warnings : long distance relationship, airport setting, a bit suggestive at the end, mentions of anxiety, swearing
word count : 0.8k
author’s note : this is kinda shitty, i have writers block & it’s honestly been saurrr long since i last wrote fanfics 😭 but wanted to put something out there!! rest assured my shit will get better once i actually get graced w motivation and confidence to write bolder stuff thoughhh TRUST!! 🤞🏻🤞🏻
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
around a year ago, you’d discovered a small youtube channel only hosting around 20,000 subscribers consisting of three triplets, and ended up starting to talk to one of them. the middle child, matt.
you were never one for so-called “e-dating.” never believed that you could have a real connection with the only chance of communication being through a computer or phone screen. but, matthew sturniolo proved you wrong.
countless late-night facetimes, gaming sessions, and 3-hour-long conversations later, he had asked you to be his girlfriend, finally confessing those damn feelings you already knew he harbored in that pretty brain of his. you were skeptical at first, sure, but hey, why not?
turns out your decision had been the right one, because even though you were inevitably hours away from physically being together, you were practically inseparable. he’d call you while him, chris, & nick were filming (much to their dismay), he’d call you when he saw something that make him think of you.. he’d pretty much call every moment he could, really.
after six long months, you finally felt ready to meet up. his youtube channel had been taking off enough to actually be making income, making the trip across multiple states much easier, along with the fact that you were both just so damn impatient and didn’t want to wait any longer.
which is what lead to where you were right now, waiting for your plane to land as it flew through the clouds and headed down to the runway. 20 more minutes, give or take, and you’d be meeting your favorite person, and you had to say; the turbulence was so, so worth it.
☁︎。 . ゚☾ ゚.。⋆ 🛩️
y/n : matt‼️
matt : Y/n ⁉️
y/n : guess who just landed in boston hehe
matt : Your idiotic ass?
y/n : ….
y/n : shut up actually 🤓👆
y/n : (and yes!)
matt : Wya then? I’m impatient
matt : Just wanna see ur cute face in person already
y/n : you’re gross.
matt : U love me
y/n : i do.
y/n : anyways, just getting off rn + i’m RAVENOUS 👹 so i’m gonna go to the mcdonald’s i read that they had lol
matt : Ugh but airport food’s so expensive, I’ll pay for you
y/n : stop u don’t have to
matt : Not about to let you spend 10 bucks on some fries after you just basically had a panic attack for days about flying on a plane for the first time. I’m paying meet me there :)
y/n : wow what a romantic meeting place!!
matt : 🖕
☁︎。 . ゚☾ ゚.。⋆ 🛩️
the first thing you noticed when you entered the airport from getting off of the plane was the smell of fresh, warm fries gracing your nose; very different than the crappy airplane snacks you’d had. refreshing, almost.
which brought you to the next thing. the refreshing feeling wasn’t coming from the fries.. it was coming from a familiar face about 20 feet away that somehow looked even better in person.
“matt!” calling his name out as you started to jog over, you felt your luggage slip out of your grip as your arms almost involuntarily wrapped around his neck, your legs also having a mind of their own and jumping into his arms.
“y/n..” he chuckled, letting you cling onto him for a couple seconds before setting you down. “you.. you’re real. and you’re… shit, .” he shakes his head, clearly studying all of your features. the freckles that sprinkle your cheeks, the one little strand of hair that was out of place from the run over, your eyes that he was pretty sure he could see heaven in…
“breathe. my god.” waving a hand in front of his face teasingly, you went back to pick up your luggage, and he still couldn’t keep his damn eyes off of you.
and as if this moment couldn’t get more perfect, as you get up, you feel a hand on your cheek. “i’ve been wantin’ to do this for so long.” matt swiftly pulled your face towards his, your lips colliding gently yet desperately at the same time.
the kiss felt like it lasted for hours and hours. but only a few seconds later, he pulled away; and the way he was looking at you gave you the most extreme case of butterflies.
“sorry. couldn’t help it.” he smirked.
you scoff.
“why apologize?”
“well.. i was gonna wait til we were alone, and not in front of a bunch of people. eh, i have plenty of other shit planned for when we’re alone anyways.”
you furrow your eyebrows, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. “pardon?”
“it’s a surprise. y’gotta wait to find out.”
#matt sturniolo#chris sturniolo#nick sturniolo#sturniolo triplets#fanfic#one shot#matt stuniolo fanfic#writing
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KAMMMIIIIII that last chapter was AMAZING (also yes the theories on sukuna blackmailing gojo were RIGHT RAAAAAHH)!!!! ok ok ok so here’s the parallels/new info we’ve got so far:
- this is why gojo HATES when the reader calls herself a whore (esp thinking about after she hooks up w sukuna and gojo is driving her and he gets MAD about it)
- this is also why gojo insists on making her hate him bc he knows that’s the whole point, he knows he’s not completely clear of his obsession but he finally understands that what he did was wrong and he can’t let her love him in the way he wants
- YES the stuff abt choso being on there bc sukuna knew she would have feelings for him!!! im still a firm believer that it’s bc sukuna feels bad about what happened w choso and wants to make it up to him in some way but idk if we’ll get to see that through
- ALSO a few sukuna thoughts: sooooo was he being stalked by his ex, the one he ended up hitting? bc he talks about being afraid, and the whole “never let a woman take away what makes you a man” thing could be because he was scared by the situation? idk that just felt too personal
- i also don’t think we ever found out who actually hurt sukuna the night of his party and gave him that bruise (i thought you said at one point that it wasn’t gojo but tbh my brain is a little mushy so that might be wrong), i don’t have many theories on that one just yet but we will be cooking hmmm
- i’ve been SAYIN it but like yes what gojo did was bad. full stop. but! he also really did seem to grow throughout TFL and the idea of him being blackmailed by sukuna makes him much much more sympathetic!!! like he knows you don’t have a job so he comes up w the idea to pay you, he keeps pushing you away bc he knows you shouldn’t love him, ugh just makes my heart hurt for this poor man
- also ….hot take incoming…..but idk that sukuna is as bad as we thought. like rn he’s just trying to protect the reader from what he sees as creepy ass behavior from gojo, presumably he’s had something similar happen, and like yes bro thrives on chaos and wants to hurt us but not just for the purpose of causing pain to a stranger but specifically to punish gojo; idk i’m not here to debate intentions vs actions vs consequences but it’s not like he just did this for laughs he really is trying to make gojo hurt and clearly he has some emotions tied up in this too
- ok rereading that last paragraph idk lmao like bro still (presumably) hits yuji bc gojo also mentions bruises idk idk idk don’t come for me
- something else that stuck out to me that i haven’t been able to stop thinking abt is that in the TFL extra on reader’s wedding night w choso, it’s mentioned that sukuna gives up custody of yuji the same night gojo reveals everything (i think tbh it’s been a min since i read it), but like….why? (i think) that extra was canon and it almost feels like too much of a coincidence but maybe it just is ????? someone else who has better thoughts than i do please share hahahahaha
PHEW this got long but i just had to type it out after all our theories have been coming for so long it’s so exciting to see everything start falling into place!!!! i can’t wait to get back to the run in w sukuna at the gas station AHH i have a feeling bro is about to blow shit up and i cannot wait!!!!
- 🩷
WOOHOOO YAP SESSION
Glad you enjoyed it my love!!! I shall disagree/agree paragraph by paragraph so lets get to unpacking :P
1. Yes! Sukuna was the first and only person Gojo’s ever heard call her such a thing so when the term is later used by the reader herself, it triggers him all over again :)
2. Yes yes yes yes!! This is exactly why Gojo kept telling her that love between them is “forbidden” and why he’d compare it to being a “crime”. You can also see how as tfl goes on, his obsession returns due to him being so close with the reader and finally experiencing her just as he’d always longed to.
3. Mhm! Sukuna is quite the mastermind :3
4. This Sukuna thought is on the right track to say the very least & avoid further spoilers! ^.^
5. Gojo was not the person to hit Sukuna that time!
6. YES I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. I know he’s bad terrible etc BUT, Gojo does do exactly as he always said he would & changes for the reader to become deserving of her whilst also telling her she cannot be with him… I’d also like to point out how a lot of Gojo girlies said they would’ve picked him right then and there after his confessions but I wonder how they feel now knowing that Gojo would’ve almost never told them about his past actions 🤔
7. Sukuna is… Well, let me say this, there are no true villains nor hero’s in tfl or ftl. No one is completely good & no one is completely bad, both stories are just messy tales of humans figuring life out.
8. Well, Gojo did mention bruises but that is before tfl takes place so we don’t know when exactly Sukuna’s domestic violence stops…
9. Think about two things here— One, Sukuna mentions that the reader deserves some form of happiness out of her, a feeling that could’ve doubled after he experienced her for himself. Two, it’s theorized that Sukuna still wants to make things up to Choso. Similar to Gojo, Sukuna cannot undo what he’s done in the past but he can try to make amends. I hope that makes sense & helps your thoughts ^.^
Im happy to see u excited about this!!! I was excited planning this & writing this >< When we circle back to the gas station & enter the sequel… things will indeed be insane. 🙂↕️
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hi! um. you like zelink right? would it be okay if i wrote you a zelink fic? your fics have a chokehold on me (i'm literally just sitting on the train rn thinking about amik. and also your mean lesbian link? and your morally grey zelink? and-) and i would like to give you something back as like, a huge thank u for sharing ur creativity w the world! it will probably be a few months before i manage to actually write it but !! asking in advance!! 🥺 (and if you say yes, is there anything specific you'd like in the fic?)
🥹🥹 OMG???? I WOULD BE HONORED!! no I actually hate zelink I don’t even know them who would EVER want them to kiss and cuddle and hold hands and- /j
omg omg I can’t think of anything specific I would like, if I ever give prompts I like to be kind of vague/general to give the writer as much freedom as possible, so…I would like whatever you would like to write because I know it’ll be amazing 🥺🥺 fluff, angst, anything! any zelink you want, whatever’s itching at your brain right now! what’s a zelink fic you want to read that hasn’t been written yet? that’s where all of mine start!
evil zelink spawned because I was tired of reading about how great and righteous and pure they are all of the time, and I wanted to explore what their base, goddess-assigned traits of “protect hyrule at all costs” would look like if they were goddess-assigned to the wrong kind of link and zelda. mean lesbian link was because, as a lesbian myself, it’s my goddess-assigned trait to take any “het” ships and make them sapphic, and I was tired of link being the quiet and respectful knight in public and a more outspoken one in private. I wanted to flip that on its head! how would he be perceived if he were brash and rude and angry? (from the comments I’ve gotten he is perceived as hot. the answer is he is a very hot woman and I have never agreed more)
So I guess a second possible prompt (which you don’t have to pay attention to at all, I’m just being curious) is are there any widely held fandom concepts/headcanons you disagree with/are exhausted by? why? how could they be more entertaining in your eyes?
tysm for even offering that’s so nice of you 😭😭 I can’t wait to read it!
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Been reading your opinions on the boy of all time megumi and can I just say firstly, thank you for being so good w words BC man you get his character so well and you're so good at getting into all the little details abt him that I can never properly describe to ppl, Like, the whole breaks the trope while following the trope thing?? YOU GOT THAT ALL SO CORRECT THATS EXACTLY IT IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE HIS CHARACTER SM BC EVEN JUST RIGHT OFF THE BAT HE BREAKS THE USUAL STOIC BROODING CHARACTER TROPE(THE trope) BY ACTUALLY CONSTANTLY SHOWING although subtly THAT HE DOESNT HATE EVERYONE?? im getting way off track already i actually popped in here to just ask abt how you think the whole sukuna possessing megumi thing will all turn out?? I honestly feel like slapping myself for not seeing it coming tbh like they talked about the head of the six eyes and ten shadows battling it out to the death before and sukuna kept on hyping up megumi like they were so obviously setting that up there and I just. Denied. But I'm just asking BC personally I think that it would really show the final steps of growth for megumi's character if he is actually able to surprise sukuna, even for a little, and come back from the depths of where ever tf he is rn bc yk his whole issue w/ self worth and what he believes he's capable of and I just wanted to know what you think the best outcome for his character would be? Sorry this is such a mess I just have so many thoughts zooming around my brain and I'm trying to...make them make sense...
ITS THE MEGUMI LOVE!!!! Yessssss. Thank you for sending me Megumi love! I love getting Megumi love 🫶🏼.
Man, Megumi is just such a good character. Truly one of Gege's best. Everything he's done with him from how his character is based on the trope while also subverting the trope, to his backstory and his growth arc and how it's been executed... It's poetic justice.
I love Megumi so much, and any time I see someone hate on Megumi for really shallow or toxic reasons I just lose all faith in humanity. It's one thing to not care for him as a character and quite another to dislike him for being a "disappointing deuteragonist" because he's "weak", "hasn't had character development", and "did not master 10 Shadows"..................................................
Bruh...
ANYWAYS 😂 you see... this is the thing... I am trying really hard not to speculate about what might happen regarding Sukuna WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I'M GOING TO SPECULATE BECAUSE I LOVE SUKUNA BUT FUCK SUKUNA!
ehem. More of me not being normal about Megumi under the cut.
Ok in all seriousness... with chapter 230 and how Sukuna forced Megumi to take the brunt hit of Unlimited Void, something shifted in me.
For some time I've been reluctant to make any predictions about Megumi coming out alive because I don't want to have preconceived expectations coloring my weekly reading experience, but mostly because, like Megumi, I have a tendency to bunt instead of swinging for the fence so as to not experience disappointment. Read this to mean I don't want to get my hopes up about Megumi surviving.
That is not to mention that I took Sukuna possessing Megumi's body personal. idk, something about seeing Megumi lose his agency felt both so wrong and yet so right on a metaphorical level. Wrong because DAMN YOU SUKUNA GO BACK TO YOUR BODY! and right because... as you said, Megumi had it coming both from a narrative and psychological perspective.
From then on, we just saw him sink deeper and deeper into learned helplessness and despair, culminating on this beautiful image of him in the fetal position.
Truly a reversal of ego back into the metaphorical mother (the unconscious) as though he was in the birth canal waiting for rebirth. And come to think of it, in the Japanese fandom, one of the more popular theories revolved around "birth" or something like that.
So with ch. 230, my hope for Megumi is renewed somehow. A lot of people think he's done for, especially after UV. But I'm on camp #this is going to backfire badly on both Gojo and Sukuna... or at least I hope it does.
So....
I'm just asking BC personally I think that it would really show the final steps of growth for megumi's character if he is actually able to surprise sukuna, even for a little
EXACTLY! And see, this is the thing, I don't want to see Megumi be saved by anyone other than himself. If Megumi is saved by others, then he didn't learn his lesson.
Basically, Megumi has taken Tsumiki's place as the Sleeping Beauty that is in need of rescuing. He's become a passive agent in his own life, which is exactly what gave Sukuna an opening.
If Gojo or Yuji, or anyone for that matter, comes in and saves Megumi without Megumi putting up a fight, then this whole growth process is metaphorically and literally aborted.
Like you, I personally think that this period could be a metaphorical gestational period for Megumi and I wonder if he's going to reach a tipping point where the anger he feels is stronger than the learned helplessness or something like that.
I just wanted to know what you think the best outcome for his character would be?
ALL THAT TO SAY THAT YES. Sukuna might be my other fave, but I am looking forward to either Megumi giving him a hard time or straight up beating the crap out of him.
Megumi has earned that privilege.
Right now, I am wondering how UV has affected Megumi's brain and what that will mean for his behavior. My hc is that his negative self-image is partly due to "reason". In other words, reason = his sense of self as the story he tells himself about himself.
But Megumi levels up because of imagination. Now that he's been hit by UV (I understand it's been 5 times?), how has being flooded with infinity affected the left (reason or logic, analytical) hemisphere of his brain?
Another idea I've been keeping quiet about is that part of the rebirth process involves moving through hell and up into heaven (a la Dante's Divine Comedy as a metaphor for a process of initiation or enlightenment). Megumi right now is sinking in hell as he comes face to face with inner evil.
So can we expect him to come back up? Will Beatrice make a cameo? I'm looking forward to whatever the cursed cat is cooking.
I just have so many thoughts zooming around my brain and I'm trying to...make them make sense...
ahaha, same tho.
Hey thanks again for the Megumi love, the kind comments, and for stopping by! Here's to hoping Gege does bring our boy back 🙌.
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im still on jungkooks side sorry not sorry. i mean yes he’s the same person who celebrated his old relationship anniversary with his ex and all that yadayada (i wouldn’t even forgive him but that’s something she choose to do and now has to deal with) but what i kind of find hypocritical is how come yoongi has the chance to stay in their life even though she didn’t date him but that’s a person who still had romantic feelings for her and was ready to ask her out and im sorry but i do not believe her when she said she would choose jungkook everytime because she can‘t know that. i mean if someone tries to say yea but he’s nice and helps both of them well so was jungkooks ex? she wasn’t rude or anything so why does he get to be in their life and say these things/do these things that shouldn’t be his job as a FRIEND because that’s the job of the husband/father. i also totally understand that jungkook was afraid the second time telling her what was going on and what not but this just means to me that he truly has no one other than his wife to speak out freely without getting judged by anyone. i mean she has jimin, seokjin and yoongi so why is it that she gets to talk to them about their business and nobody bats an eyelash to that childish of act instead of just ranting to someone that’s NOT someone who had romantic feelings for you and always makes your husband insecure and no not everyone has to work on themselves to get away from those feelings etc bc simply why? yoongi isn’t someone important that’s a coworker of her so why not stop taking to him? i totally understand his insecurities because hello? why do you speak to yoongi about your marriage? what makes you different from his ex who spoke to jungkook in the past? there should be boundaries or he should gtfo. don’t get me wrong im not saying i don’t see jungkooks mistakes but nobody can tell me that she’s selfish simply because she works 24/7 and that with her friends but jungkook takes care of the baby and watches the wall ALONE? wtf lol nah and also what does her enemy have anything to with her? that’s work what if he never becomes this chance again all because he choose to STAY AT HOME ALONE AND WATCH HIS KID instead of doing work for a bit and coming back while feeling accomplished to have done such an amazing body of work? i simply do not care if he works with her enemy because there’s always going to someone you don’t like and you can’t always turn everything down just because that person hurt you. why does she always question his loyalty as if she was any better? plaid into that situation ship with yoongi and jungkook didn’t say shit and now SHE wants to talk about boundaries/loyalty lmao?
sorry went off (im on my period 😂) if you couldn’t tell it’s not me hating on her it’s just me saying that she’s a hypocrite but still loved it you writing is amazing!!! 💚🫶🏻
HEE-HEE DON'T BE SORRY AT ALL BAE!!! phase 3's rlly meant to be a moral dilemma fic jus like how phase 1 went :D YOU'RE RIGHT THOUGH!!!! also exactly :( the very existence of 478yoongi is a double-edged sword (that hurts jk the more that it benefits oc) n he represents the very flawed n maybe complex (?) idea that oc would have a fail-safe if in case it doesn't work out 🙂↕️🙂↕️ i don't day this to imply that it's NOTTT gonna work out or that oc would cheat or anything, but what i mean is that i agree w u that almost every time, if not always, jk n oc's relationship isn't equal!!! anyway i love ur take n i don't have all the words rn bc my brain is fried from driving all day so i'll elaborate soon !!! mwah do not apologize at all love yew
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I don’t thing Toga is dead or Bkg. I think that they’re going to have this whole drawn out thing where OFA transfers to everyone (like the bkdk in heroes rising ((i think it’s heroes rising))) Anyway I think it’ll be like a redemption thing for everyone where they all like team up like when Izuku in the opening says ‘This is the story of how I became the greatest hero’ or wtv idk it’s something along those lines. Anyway. I think it’s about all of them coming together as one hero (sort of) but also I’m probably wrong bc I tend to over analyze (autism) idk if this is relevant to anything you are discussing so sorry. I am wading into the waters to perish goodbye
i agree with this to an extent actually... tho idk if everyone will receive it i do have some confidence that bakugou will receive or become apart of it(thinking about that Vague Ass Quote from hori always) since the movies became canonized i will once again be very surprised if him taking the mantle of ofa with izuku is not integral to the final arc. plus it alligns completely w bkgs character that he ends up once again being the very symbol of victory but i digress
to me theres no instance in which deku takes on the last fight on his own in the first place so i can see everyone becoming part of ofa and working together. kind of like the ending of naruto in that sense lmao. it will likely be all of class 1a putting everything they've got towards it (once theyve all finished their individual arcs) and then bkg saving deku for the first time or deku saving him one last time so ofa becoming apart of that equation isnt actually that far fetched to me. that being said im unsure if that means bkgs physical body will live forever. a meta account i rlly enjoy has several theories abt bkg beocming a vestige or part of ofa instead of dying and i can see that very well.
anyway. not abt bkg rn kjdfbjkd. but i dont think u are overanalyzing. i keep saying bnha is predictable and i really do think it is but i dont mean that negatively at all. many of the major choices it makes completely align within the stories logic so if anything can be predicted it can be possible as well. this doesn't feel all that far fetched to me esp given the name of the quirk is literally One For All LMAO. it would honestly make less sense for only izuku to have it? and it's a quirk thats strength compounds based on how many peoples powers it touches. like i dont think thats actually that far off fkdjk.
i cant say for sure tho!! i suck at theory crafting because my brain does not follow story logic super well. im good at character analysis ONLY. but i can see it at the very least which means its v possible.
#return to sender#i change my mind on how the final arc will play out every single time we get another chapter#hori can be so 50/50 with how he ties loose ends up but hes been surprising me a lot lately#im in a parasocial relationship with that man atp#bnha manga spoilers#bnha manga leaks#fang.meta
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Hello Vic! How are you doing? 🫰🏼
I need a little help from you - I do not think I have ocd, but I do obsess over washing hands and keeping things hygenic. Tidy? No, my house is always messy, but I wash my hands toooooo often to the point where if strong hand creams didn’t exist I would have shed several skin layers by now 😀 My immediate problem rn is that i am on a vacation with my family - even worse, I am sharing a room w my parents - and let me tell you, their lack of hygiene just get on my nerves. My mom has definitely noticed I struggle w this and it’s kinda easier to voice my anxiety over hygiene with her. My dad on the other hand has no idea and isn’t the most open minded person, I doubt he has even heard that some people struggle w stuff like this. I can ignore some stuff but when after 3 days of being here I hear my dad ask my mom which one was the soap (my mom had lots of other products on counter) I knew I wanted to pass away ! My mom asked “you haven’t washed your hands yet?” Don’t think he even replied which I am afraid means that yeah he hasn’t. Sounds so comical and ridiculous but it is really bothering me.
Thing is, before, I lived w them for 18 years and nothing happened, never occurred to me they wouldn’t even wash hands considering I was tought basic hygiene. So I wish I could just switch my brain to that state but can I.
Idk how I do not lose my mind. I do not think that something bad will happen if I don’t follow these hand washing obsession BUT it just irks me to know somebody is so unhygienic let alone someone who doesn’t wash their hands for so long 🥲🥲🥲 even if I didn’t have this problem it’s natural to be upset about my dad being ultra white person. So idk how to 1. Deal with people I am sharing the room with not being as hygienic as me 2. One of them not even following basic hygiene (would have been better if I had spoken up the 1st time I found out abt this- but I hate confrontation, especially with family I guess)
Vacation ends in 10 days but knowing they have touched my phone and my belongings and that I cannot just exist in a sterile world or in a world aWay from them does not make me happy. I know I have to address the root cause of hand washing obsession but this is the situation I am dealing w atm. So idk how to remain calm, ignore this, because voicing my anxiety and asking them to follow basic hygiene just seems ridiculous. :(
Sorry for such a long text 🫠
hi 🌟 i'm doing good, but i've been sleeping so fucking shit the past days i feel like a little snail around the house zzz
assuming you don't have ocd (you can look into the pure o subtype and reflect a bit over the cycle of obsession > anxiety > compulsion > relief > obsession. sometimes it isn't the belief of something bad happening it can also be an intense discomfort or a "sense" of something being off/wrong/not right); if it's a general annoyance and discomfort of lack of hygiene, keep your belonging on you, get a mini hand sanitizer if you can from a kiosk or store, air out, store your food away from theirs in the fridge and try to handle it yourself. it's up to you if you want to/are ready to express this discomfort/boundary with them, but it isn't ridiculous or unfounded. it's quite a fair request of the people you're in near proximity to, to exercise regular hygiene, such as washing their hands - and you aren't responsible for their reactions, though i understand you will be around them. i hope the next days will be better for you!
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was away from my phone for a day and it feels like i haven’t been on tumblr in ages.
it’s 2am rn, raining heavily, im enjoying this a lot. but i can’t help but feel overwhelmed by all the tasks that await me. just always, generally, in life. they’re not difficult to people, but they’re near impossible to me. i feel very scared very often. stability feels foreign and instability feels awful. cried a lot at the protest today, i can’t do protests they’re emotionally just too much for me. i’ve been daydreaming about falling in love. nobody in my mind, just generally, the idea of love. which is good i guess? it’s healthy to want it. i’m not as damaged as i had feared. but i really need to get a little more control over my life. drinking tea really helps with the nerves. gives me clarity. shuts down most of the chaos in my head makes it so that i can follow and complete one train of thought at a time. feels like a miracle drug but it’s just plain black tea, the cheapest most generic one i could find. crazy i know. i’ve been rewatching bridgerton. i really do love the show. and i have the fattest crush on jonathan bailey. embarrassing i know. it’s my guilty pleasure show. found some good music lately. new stuff. on repeat. added to my coming of age summer playlist. the age being 24. i can’t believe im going to be 24 soon and im so proud of myself not for anything i’ve achieved but instead for starting to let go of my obsession with achievement. there’s no good reason to torture oneself over never finding enough success under the horrible system that is capitalism. nothing is ever enough. makes me think of dc, when he said if you can, take my hand, i promise you’ll find love again, love again. very unrelated but also extremely related to my current situation. not soon though. i really hope it’s not soon. i’m enjoying my solitude. i swear the next time i do this whole love thing it’s going to be so different from anything i have ever experienced before. if there even is a next time. only time shall tell. i think time is the only thing can can be told and do the telling. i might be wrong, there might be a hundred other things. but. back to life as i know it today, i should sleep. i should shower then i should apply my medicine then i should sleep. i should also drink water. very very important. crazy how so much work is essential for the body to keep on living. and how it lets you know very aggressively when it has not had enough. food, sleep, movement, sun, medicine, and the list goes on. there’s so much stuff i need to throw out. so many people whose messages i have to reply to. i often forget because 90% of texting is just formality and roughly 10% is actual information exchange. i don’t think i’ve ever truly been missed by someone. my friends always say they miss me. i miss them dearly, but i can’t imagine being missed. like to think that they felt my absence and “missed” “me”. what a crazy world and what a lucky girl i am. at least in this regard. i wonder why hank and john have not spoken up about palestine. i wonder how anyone i have ever respected could stay silent while witnessing cruelty of this level. i’m not even a sjw or a particularly passionate activist. i don’t normally feel like everyone needs to care about something. but this? this is just. beyond. just beyond. everything. i worshipped hank and john. they taught me almost everything i know and i never thought i could ever be let down by them. yet here i am. learned my lesson about worshipping people. but what about god? god is so much worse, like asfsgshdjdkdldlflkkkl. it’s nearly 3am. i always do this. i always stay up too late the night before an important gig. it’s the over thinking that keeps me from peace. i’ll take some stevia w me to the studio so i can make my tea when im there! my brain.
i hope i don’t have to move back to bangladesh, because it is terrible over there. especially now that im seeing all the election season atrocities. i dont know what will happen in my life but i know that im trying my best. i’m always trying to prove myself, but to whom? who am i trying to answer to? pobody’s nerfect, i need to take it easy. goodnight for now.
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