#mismag analysis

[fizzyorange-v2]

makes a truly depressing amount of sense that evan is so deeply, existentially terrified of being trapped in a narrative when you remember that he was born the classic dark evil wizard trope prophesied presumably to bring about some great magic chaos and destruction and he tried desperately to escape that narrative and destiny all his life by trying so hard to be good and kind and rejecting his demons despite every awful thing he’d been through…..

…which then actually, accidentally did lead to him fulfilling that world ending destiny anyway, by causing The Breaking when he uploaded all those magical books online trying so so hard to do the right thing.

no matter if he accepted his destiny or actively rejected it, the prophecy still came true. he still always hurt people. he’s damned to the nature of his character archetype, and deep down he’s always known it.

basically, this poor guy has been trapped in a doomed inescapable narrative from birth. of course the possibility of getting sucked into another caused him to have a full evan kelmp level freak out lol. him quite literally trying to escape a narrative this episode is so on the nose it’s hilarious

[fizzyorange-v2]

THIS.

when evan took the time in a rather chaotic and rushed situation to completely out of nowhere bring back up jammer’s teammate. to pointedly ask ‘you gonna tell the guys back at Roosevelt that i killed somebody?’ and oh so bitterly adding ‘yeah i thought so’ when jammer (clearly exhausted and uncomfortable) just said ‘probably not.’ FUCK?

evan is clearly very aware of how quiet and distant jammer has gone and thus how uncomfortable he must be with the violence evan has just committed and evan taking the time to stop in this hectic moment and really twist that knife in is so sooooo interesting to me.

i think, that evan is clearly someone who wants to be loved so desperately but also absolutely cannot accept or believe in that love in anyway when it actually does come his way. he believes himself unloveable. truly believes he is something heinous and violent and bad. somebody it is not good nor easy to be around, no matter the kind words his friends say. when k and sam and jammer tell him to his face that they love him, he just brushes it off as something they say because that’s the thing you do. always the reflexive reciprocal response. they say it because evan is in their group and they’re, in evan’s eyes, amazing wonderfully good people, and good people love nearly everyone.

when k dated him, he rationalised that love away as being inauthentic, only coming from who k wanted to see him as, the idealised bad but sad boy, instead of who he actually was. when sam or jammer show him love, he assumes that’s the same kind of love these wondrous glowing people of light bestow on everyone they meet.

even when they all show the depths of their love for him, grieving him and dropping everything to resurrect him, evan can’t help but rationalise that love away as just the thing they had to do. their good people, of course they’d drop the mission to bring him back to life. they’d probably have done the same for anyone else.

evan is deeply resistant to the idea that he truly matters to any of them. that they actually love and care and think about him. and that’s why i believe the phone call with jammer’s friend aaron fucked him up so bad.

because jammer left. sure, he called evan family, said he loved him, said they were a team and that a team never leaves a member behind - it’s why evan didn’t go through with the exorcism - but then he left. and it was absolutely the right thing for jammer, but evan absolutely assumed that jammer was off living his own full busy life, with his real team and his real family and real friends and never once really thought about evan again.

but then, the phone call. jammer doesn’t even have to say evan’s name, just ‘my boy’ and the drunk friend of the other side already knows ‘wait, your boy evan!?’ he already knows. and then it’s ’jammer talks about you all the time!’ and evan is clearly pleased but overwhelmed by that information. because here’s the thing.

it’s so easy to rationalise away all the other displays of affection and love his friends have shown him. their words? just the polite things to say, they don’t really mean it, even if they think they do. their actions? done because they felt like they had to, out of a sense of responsibility or godforbid pity or in K’s case some kind of fetishisation (that sounds bad i promise i loooove k’s whole mess but you get what i’m saying here). but this? right now? coming from one of jammer’s other friends?

hearing that someone talks about you all the time, in places and with people you would never interact with or probably meet, is the most pure sincere way of showing and harbouring love and affection towards someone i can imagine. there is no possible ulterior motive here, no external reason or forced sense of responsibility or pity or reciprocity that evan can use to rationalise it away.

it’s simple: evan was so important to jammer that all his many friends know his name.

it’s simple: evan matters to jammer. a lot.

and evan can’t handle it.

sure it makes him feel loved, but that’s the thing he’s terrified of. and so. if evan can’t rationalise it away like he usually does, he twists this display of affection in a different way.

oh, jammer’s told his friends all about evan, has he? well clearly jammer hasn’t told them about magic, so jammer hasn’t told them about the real evan, has he? hasn’t told them about the violent scary darkness that he’s lived with and carries about with him everyday of his life. clearly, this clean pure PG magic-less version of evan, is just the evan jammer thinks he cares about but it’s not really him. not really. it can’t be because evan believes so so deeply that he is not good nor easy to be around and jammer believing and acting differently just means that jammer is kidding himself, lying to himself and his friends.

and then here’s the perfect moment for that to coalesce. evan kills someone, without hesitation or remorse. and jammer is clearly uncomfortable. because whatever version of evan jammer seems to speak of so highly to his friends about, that he seems to carry such overwhelming affection for, does not exist. and evan’s just proved that, hasn’t he? and his bitter nail in the coffin of ‘you gonna tell your friends i did that, huh?’ is so painful because it’s clearly him trying to prove a point both to jammer and himself.

a simple point: i am violent and bad and unloveable, not the person you speak of to your friends.

a simple point: they would be scared of me. you should be scared of me. you cannot love me.

because jammer got so dangerously close to making evan feel loved, and so here he is, proving that all that affection jammer was giving was false. a lie about who evan really is.

‘i thought so’ god this kid is so convinced he’s unlovable that whenever love is sent his way he has to prove that it’s wrong or fake or false. and actively testing jammer right now, when the poor fucking guy is genuinely so tired and freaked, is a self destructive move that also follows evan’s attempt to prove that jammer’s affection for him is bogus.

he wants jammer to be scared of him. wants the other boy to watch him at his worst and run for the hills. anything is better than having to accept he is loved, despite his darkness.

anything in the universe is better and safer and less scary than knowing that someone loves him enough to talk and gush and boast about him all the time to friends he’s never met, in places he’s never been, oceans apart and three whole years between them. even across all that distance, even after all that time.

because that’s a level of love that even evan is struggling to ignore or brush away. that all of jammer’s friends know his name.

Jammer seeing Evan kill someone and going pretty much silent for the rest of the episode. Jammer seeing Evan kill someone and thinking about why this kind of thing is the reason he left in the first place. Jammer seeing Evan kill someone and being terrified.

Evan seeing Jammers teammate talk about how he mentions Evan all of the time. Evan seeing, over the course of the conversation with said teammate, that Jammer never even mentioned magic all that much to him. Evan seeing his friend, who apparently talked about Evan all of the time without bringing up such a prominent part of who he is, being terrified of the things that Evan does.

Evan asking Jammer if he would tell his team from Roosevelt about the fact that he killed someone. Jammer saying no.

[cryptticrow]

I've been in neurodivergent spaces for quite a long time and to me K and Evan represent two neurodivergent folk who come from very different class backgrounds absolutely perfectly. K with their trashed van and self neglectful behavior while fully focusing on keeping their online space as efficient as possible to justify in a way the lifestyle they've built for themselves contrasted with Evan's apartment where each one of his belongings has a specific place, keeping his life as dynamic and work driven as he can because that's all he has illustrated their differences perfectly. They very much remind me of different people I've known through neurodivergent spaces, I absolutely adore them both and their players from not being afraid to air out all their flaws (lol).

[amis127]

Mismag ep 10 spoiler time + an analysis of privilege

So like, am I doing too much by analyzing the Evan vs Bombini scene as a metaphor for how progressive cishet white men have to navigate the unlearning they are doing and their place in the new world they are trying to build? Am I tripping or was there a very necessary reminder from Bombini/Aabria to not just hide back and away from the new world as Evan efficiently decenters himself, but that part of this new world requires him to understand his place along side his friends? Or otherwise Evan will find himself in a similar position alone in his own crumbling tomb someday?

Can I take it one step further and dig into why the one white cishet male character in this tale is welding dark powerful magic in the first place? And how as we watched all the Black and brown characters learn to step into a new power they've never had access to before, Evan is learning how to use the vast power he's always known to protect his friends rather than to whatever dark god he was crafted to serve? To disrupt the path he was on, which left him adrift for a very long time until he met a group of people who cared about him for him (and introduced him to cocoa butter and taking his shoes off when he enters a home)? If the big bad is systemic oppression then what is the responsibility of someone who was best served by it??

Boy howdy do I have some thoughts and feelings out here gang

[fischyplier]

Misfits and Magic Season 2 Episode 2 "Magma and Mingle": My Thoughts and Analysis

So here are my thoughts on Evan and Sam. Am I the only one that doesn’t see their relationship progressing into romance? I can understand that in this season Brennan and Danielle are having more scenes together. At this point, Evan and Sam's relationship feels platonic to me, but who knows what could happen in the next few episodes. I prefer platonic relationships because they feel more interesting than just romance. Also want to take the time to say, I love and appreciate all the hard work that went into this and every season of D20. Thank you to the crew, the players and Aabria cause misfits and magic has become very near and dear to my heart!

Click below to read more, warning long post:

Anyways, Evan has gone through a LOT of traumatic experiences since childhood and continues to till this day. Evan's body is riddled with scars, broken bones that healed wonky, etc. He got stabbed on a bus at night trying to retrieve a talisman for Boodle 10 months ago. And I would not be surprised if he's been through more but hasn't had the opportunity to tell his friends or elected to say nothing. I can't help but to read too deeply into the quote "dream small". Is it cause I feel that Evan has learned to dream small in order to not get his hopes and expectations too high? Just a theory... A game theory! I'm sorry.

After 3 years of no contact the pilot project are back! But they haven't really had the time to sit down and catch up. In the video below, Sam says "I feel like there's a lot of things that when we talk you don't tell me." Which kinda leads me to believe, Evan doesn't want to worry his friends so he bottles up his feelings and doesn't open up. And when he does it's always with a smile and jokes to mask the hurt. He isn't just sad, he feels like a burden and tries to not take up space. I can really relate to this.

Even Brennan says Evan is in deep pain. The breakup he went through didn't help but there is more under the surface we as the audience still don't truly know. The experiences of being a lonely unhoused teen is the reason why Brennan chose "belonging" as Evan's ideal track. Because that is the one thing he's been deprived off, humans are social creatures and need to interact with others. What happens to a developing brain when that is taken away? When all you know is your shadow, loneliness and hunger? So when his friend says we can talk, he takes that as a serious invitation. Evan now surrounded by friends wants to do everything in his power to protect those he loves. He doesn't expect it to be reciprocal. You can see that when he says "if I've ever done a bad job about being here for you, I'm always here for you" after Sam says we can talk. When Brennan tears up with that incredible delivery of "I missed you"... I keep rewatching that part! Evan is always on the go, needs to be prepared, needs to be ready when shit hits the fan. Sam has created a safe place where he doesn't need to be hypervigilant and can relax, maybe open up and be a little vulnerable.

Sam is rightfully concerned that something deeper and terrible is going on with Evan.

When Evan continues kicking a half dead Salamander that isn't a threat to any of his friends, a darkness in him wants to kick it mercilessly for pure enjoyment. That even his eyes turns black. The first thing Sam does when she sees this is to attempt to drench it in water like Jammer did. Cause she said that this has become "unnecessarily dark" and that "this is freaking her out". That she'll even resort to spitting on the creature if it means that Evan will stop kicking that crap out of it. The water cools and stops the creature. Sam is a great friend that sees Evan do something twisted and wants to help so desperately. You do not have to be falling in love with someone to do the right thing! I still think they should just be friends.

I love that in this season we can really see their friendship blossom and not just be surface level chit chat. As they get closer hopefully they can help each other in ways they really need. In the preview for the next episode Evan says, "I don't see you the way you are afraid people see you." Sometimes it takes someone outside of your point of view to see aspects of yourself you are too close to see. And I think that's beautiful.

That leads into my next point, no I don't think the progressing of their relationship means that romance is in the air. I can't remember where I read it but another person said it best, intimacy doesn't mean romance. You can get close to someone, be a shoulder to cry on and depend on without developing feelings. You can love and respect your friend and keep it at that level but develop on that intimacy of a great friendship. I feel like it made the most sense for these two to get closer in this season because they have more in common now. Before it was just the fact that they were students learning magic at Gowpenny and being NAMPS (non magical person or let's be serious MUGGLES!). But now Evan and Sam have both underwent break ups and that's something they can really connect on. I really hope they don't get together right after cause that sounds like a rebound and to me, story wise pretty boring. And in my honest opinion, jumping into another relationship right after being with K is a little too soon. Evan needs a friend not a lover, at least for the time being. He needs to keep his inner darkness and insecurities in check. That or a therapist.

Hopefully this doesn't age like milk, and if they do get together I guess I'm wrong! :3

Thank you if you read till the very end, here is a gif of Brennan giving you a thumbs up!

Why? Cause you are pretty cool!

Please consider liking or reblogging this post if you liked what you read. And I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode and if I should continue!

[fizzyorange-v2]

i’m very afraid that evan and his philtrum corpse he’s insistent on lugging around with him might in fact be okay with the path you have set 😭

oh.

[rufuslupislupis]

I can’t wait to see how K’s arc develops. <3 My blorbo <3 I’m not good at analysis but not many people are analyzing K specifically so, like. If I want stuff to read, I gotta write it.

I should go through K and Evan’s arguments and try to dissect the points theu made. Or didn’t make, as it were. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone do that yet (if I’m wrong, link me link me link me pls!!) so probably I’ll find it in the transcript and daydream for an hour about *sighs* character depth. And then maybe, if I’m lucky, I will be capable of stringing two words together.

[camellia-thea]

you know i have assignments due when i start wanting to watch multiple seasons of d20 :pensive: i do not have time for this and yet. here i am

[guillotineapprehensive]

This is a piping cold MisMag s1 take

some ppl's reaction to MisMag is steadfastly *insisting* that it's a biting takedown of JKR and the Harry Potter world and like... I don't think that's accurate or healthy media analysis.

S1 was a satire of HP, sure, but you cant deny that it's also a love letter to the Harry Potter world. It's a fan work created by adults who have grown up and see flaws in the work itself as well as the author, so they made their own space to play in a similar world. If there was no love for HP, they wouldn't have created a world so obviously parodying it. If there was no love for the source material, it would have been a sad, mean-spirited show because it would've lacked caring.

idk. I have just seen a lot of the "anti-problematic-media" circles are still on this kick of retconning your own memories to free yourself of the burden of being associated with Bad Media. and that's just... really dumb and unhelpful, and I think actively bad for the psyche.

It's ok if you like(d) HP and Potter-inspired media. Thought crimes are not real. Donate to the Trevor Project or a local queer charity if the money aspect makes you feel guilty, but you can't magically (lol) scrub your history clean from association. You can't retcon reality.

[noxsboxofscripts]

k tanaka you ripped my soul fresh out of my body and told me to Look. But do it kindly and with compassion. Realise what reality actually is. and see how you effect others. see what you believe to be the greater good, see how it effects the ones you love most because that greater good actually includes them. your loved ones are not exempt from it because you think you can save them at every turn. and you can’t but you have to be with them in the present. have that kindness and compassion for them too.

k tanaka is something that can be SO personal.

it hurts to relate to them, it hurts to know that yeah your impulsive actions DO have an effect on others and NO you can't save everyone because not everyone NEEDS to be saved and NO you don't know better. so you try and change and help people but the pressure is just so much and you never really had coping mechanisms because you never thought to take on this kind of work, and you basically grew up on a screen, but no one told you it was all FAKE! so you're disillusioned with reality and trying to do everything while still keeping it fun for yourself and others, only to find out that your behavior is CONCERNING and UNHEALTHY, rather than the norm you believed it to be. and the fun way of keeping yourself happy and sane actually wasn't benefiting anyone, it was only making things more complex. so you're back with your friends you haven't seen in forever (one of whom is your ex) and they're worried about you immediately. and in a way it's almost patronizing because you feel like you've been doing good work, and you feel like this is your norm, and you wonder if this is how your ex felt when you worried about him and tried to fix him. it makes you wonder who's really wrong, if anyone. so you get to do your little magical quest and it's the happiest you've been in FOREVER. you're back with your friends and your fixing magic and you get to lose yourself for just a while, but you shouldn't. things are bad and worse and you learn new things and you find a way to help, but people are worried about you again. except your ex, who thinks it's great that you're now a magic network router, and you don't know how to feel about that because you know what he's like, how "tragic" he is. you honestly wonder if he even likes you as a person after what you've done to him, what you've done to the group, what YOU put them through. and soon enough everything comes crashing down. you can't act like you're the hero, the main character, the badass who's up against the world and winning, because you're not. you don't know the first thing about an uprising because you're not living in reality. you don't know how to do these things, how to navigate life, it's just easier to get lost in the whimsy and the fight and the intensity. like how it's easier to watch a movie than read a book. how the music and the explosions and the action keeps you enthralled, how it makes you feel worthwhile. and yet, you aren't. your ex even says he doesn't know what to do after these adventures, but you're worse off. you get a simple "nice try, but not quite right" and you go back to it. you realize you do want to be surrounded by your friends, but the temptation of being a legend will never stop pulling at the back of your mind, so you're stuck. you do what you can. you live in mediocrity, in small moments, you fight where you can, and you help. you think sacrifice would be easier than solace. martyrdom over mundanity. but you keep trying, because you have to. because no one's with you if you don't.

[yoursonlucifer]

I love hearing aabria talk because I feel like she has incredibly thoughtful analysis about a lot of things people will brush off (which is why she's the perfect dm for mismag! but I digress). because hearing her talk about that emotional and intellectual reflective experience of being 20-21 (as someone who is 23 and had experienced that pretty recently) is like. very refreshing to hear because I'm very used to people reducing that age experience to "you're still just a dumb kid" and apart from being reductive, it doesn't really give thought to a fuller breadth of life experience

like it is extremely true where this is a period of life where you evaluate your ideals and the practical size of your dreams, what that means, and most importantly, you're thinking about those things before you calcify (her word choice, not mine, but a very good one). I think it gives not only a lot of the characters in the second season of mismag more context and fullness, but also give characters of that age from other media a necessary contextualization, and it allows you to have a more accurate perspective of the people in your life that are that age, should there actually be any

[loosebaron]

FUCK IT blog overhaul:

‼️ block ‘dimension 20 live spoilers’ if you don’t want to be spoiled for tonight‼️

eaves peeping - talking/original post tag

toxic masculinity is dead I queue now - queue tag

Rolling up the hill - favourite posts tag

fanart - fan art/creations

meta - meta/analysis posts

fic - fanfiction

rb - reblogs

gc - Game Changer

fh - Fantasy High (all seasons)

tuc - the Unsleeping City (all seasons)

acoc - A Crown of Candy

mismag- Misfits and Magic (all seasons)

aso - A Startstruck Odyssey

acofaf - A Court of Fey and Flowers

na - Neverafter

dndq- Dungeons and Drag Queens

trw - The Ravaging War

time quangle - the live show(s) Time Quangle ❤️

nsbu - never stop blowing up

[queenjulia11]

I should probably have a pinned post, huh?

Hi! I’m Julia. I’m an Off-Broadway actor and playwright. I also write short stories & microfiction, and am also obsessed with TTRPGs. (I’ve appeared on some actual play shows!) That’s what I hyperfixate on the most ‘round these parts, so if you like media analysis of that nature + general tomfoolery you’ve come to the right place!

I’m always down to make new internet friends but I’m not great at starting online conversations. Feel free to ask me anything! (within reason lol).

Aroace & demifluid. Any pronouns! Feel free to mix it up.

My favorite fandoms are as follows:

• Critical Role (mostly Mighty Nein & Bells Hells)

• Pokémon

• Midst

• Musical Theatre

• Candela Obscura

• Dropout/Dimension 20 (ACoFaF, MisMag, Neverafter, Burrow’s End)

• Shakespeare

Nice to meet ya, hope you stick around ❤️✨

[yourfatherjustinmcelroy]

Aabria you can't keep getting away with this................ anyway I need a hat that says I love Season 2 Episode 6 of Misfits and Magic

This is the clip I was talking about. Like why is he so…. Yknow…. 👀👀

[dimension-20-every-introduction]

Welcome! Before you go further, please note you are most undoubtedly entering spoiler territory for several seasons of Dimension 20, Collegehumor/Dropout's dnd anthology series! Okay, continue!

“Intro cards” as I’m calling them refer to the screen that appears and shows the official art whenever an NPC is introduced, a scene is described, etc. This includes but is not limited to NPC introductions, PC introductions and full statblocks in combat episodes, full maps (no zoom-ins because I don’t hate myself), specific scene stills, clues, or otherwise cool moments involving official art I want to capture and compile.

The artists who have drawn the official art are all listed below, as well as the tags and/or spoiler tags for each season where introduction cards have been compiled:

General: #dimension 20 spoilers, #dimension 20, #questions for me, #d20 introductions, #not d20 introductions, #d20 introduction analysis

Fantasy High (Freshman Year): Art by Victor Rosas II (characters) and Mark Ledgerwood (maps)

Escape From the Bloodkeep: Art by Land Wolf Toussaint

The Unsleeping City (Chapter 1): Art by Kendra Wells

Tiny Heist: Art by Alec Grosso

A Crown of Candy: Art by Samir Barrett (characters) and Jon Pintar (map)

Fantasy High (Sophomore Year): Art by Victor Rosas II (characters) and Mark Ledgerwood (maps)

Pirates of Leviathan: Art by Victor Rosas II (characters) and Mark Ledgerwood (maps)

The Unsleeping City (Chapter 2): Art by Kendra Wells. #tuc2 (COMPLETE)

Mice and Murder: Art by Tucker Donovan. #mice and murder, #mice and murder spoilers (COMPLETE)

Misfits and Magic: Art by Adrián Ibarra Lugo (characters) and William Kirkby (map). #mismag, #mismag spoilers (COMPLETE)

The Seven: Art by Anneliese Mak (characters), Calum Gillies (map), and Mark Ledgerwood (maps). #7d20, #7d20 spoilers, #the seven, #the seven spoilers (COMPLETE)

Shriek Week: Art by Bee Arakaki. #shriek week, #shriek week spoilers (COMPLETE)

A Starstruck Odyssey: Art by Amy Reeder. #a starstruck odyssey, #a starstruck odyssey spoilers (COMPLETE)

Coffin Run: Art by VooDooVal (characters), John Abbiss (map). #coffin run, #coffin run spoilers (COMPLETE)

A Court of Fey and Flowers: Art by Faith Schaffer. #acofaf, #acofaf spoilers (COMPLETE)

Neverafter: Art by Giuseppe Lama and Victor Van Dort. #neverafter, #neverafter spoilers (COMPLETE)

The Ravening War: Art by Samir Barrett (characters), Jon Pintar (map). #the ravening war, #the ravening war spoilers, #acoc:trw, #trw (COMPLETE)

Dungeons and Drag Queens: Art by Savana @danyelss (IG), @danyelss2 (twt). #dungeons and drag queens, #dndq, #dndq spoilers (COMPLETE)

Mentopolis: Art by Allison Cooper. #mentopolis, #mentopolis spoilers, #d20 mentopolis (COMPLETE)

Burrow’s End: Art by Annalise Jensen. #burrow’s end, #burrow’s end spoilers, #d20 burrow’s end (COMPLETE)

Fantasy High (Junior Year): Art by Cait May (@caitmayart) (characters, background projections) and Jon Pintar and Arcane Canvas Studio (map). #fantasy high junior year, #fhjy, #d20 fhjy (COMPLETE)

Never Stop Blowing Up: Art by Cait May (@caitmayart). #never stop blowing up, #nsbu, #nsbu spoilers (COMPLETE)

Misfits and Magic Season 2: Art by Adrián Ibarra Lugo. #mismag2, #mismag2 spoilers, #misfits and magic season 2, #misfits and magic s2 (IN PROGRESS)

If you have any requests for additional tagging (triggers, mentions, etc) feel free to send an ask and I’ll apply them!

[bandana-enthusiast]

k tanaka is something that can be SO personal.

it hurts to relate to them, it hurts to know that yeah your impulsive actions DO have an effect on others and NO you can't save everyone because not everyone NEEDS to be saved and NO you don't know better. so you try and change and help people but the pressure is just so much and you never really had coping mechanisms because you never thought to take on this kind of work, and you basically grew up on a screen, but no one told you it was all FAKE! so you're disillusioned with reality and trying to do everything while still keeping it fun for yourself and others, only to find out that your behavior is CONCERNING and UNHEALTHY, rather than the norm you believed it to be. and the fun way of keeping yourself happy and sane actually wasn't benefiting anyone, it was only making things more complex. so you're back with your friends you haven't seen in forever (one of whom is your ex) and they're worried about you immediately. and in a way it's almost patronizing because you feel like you've been doing good work, and you feel like this is your norm, and you wonder if this is how your ex felt when you worried about him and tried to fix him. it makes you wonder who's really wrong, if anyone. so you get to do your little magical quest and it's the happiest you've been in FOREVER. you're back with your friends and your fixing magic and you get to lose yourself for just a while, but you shouldn't. things are bad and worse and you learn new things and you find a way to help, but people are worried about you again. except your ex, who thinks it's great that you're now a magic network router, and you don't know how to feel about that because you know what he's like, how "tragic" he is. you honestly wonder if he even likes you as a person after what you've done to him, what you've done to the group, what YOU put them through. and soon enough everything comes crashing down. you can't act like you're the hero, the main character, the badass who's up against the world and winning, because you're not. you don't know the first thing about an uprising because you're not living in reality. you don't know how to do these things, how to navigate life, it's just easier to get lost in the whimsy and the fight and the intensity. like how it's easier to watch a movie than read a book. how the music and the explosions and the action keeps you enthralled, how it makes you feel worthwhile. and yet, you aren't. your ex even says he doesn't know what to do after these adventures, but you're worse off. you get a simple "nice try, but not quite right" and you go back to it. you realize you do want to be surrounded by your friends, but the temptation of being a legend will never stop pulling at the back of your mind, so you're stuck. you do what you can. you live in mediocrity, in small moments, you fight where you can, and you help. you think sacrifice would be easier than solace. martyrdom over mundanity. but you keep trying, because you have to. because no one's with you if you don't.