#miscommunication is the devil plot

[heretherebedork]

Why did we wait to talk? Communication is not a last resort, damnit!

[jun-apologist]

yothagun are sooooo me and my gf

[crescenthistory]

It's Nice To Have A Friend

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Synopsis: Remus' childhood best friend is the only person he is comfortable showing unrestrained affection towards – until he one day gets in his own head about it.

Words: 14.4k

Warnings/tags: there are some suggestive remarks, brief references to "shagging" and implied underage drinking, but i would classify it as safe for minors! fem!reader, use of y/n, childhood best friends to lovers (thus you grew up in wales and use welsh terms, but you aren't said to be welsh), you are in ravenclaw (only for one plot point, not personality), platonic physical affection, romantic physical affection, kissing, "it was revealed to me in a dream" trope, some miscommunication trope, deep yearning, remus' pov (meaning loads of self-loathing and overthinking), panic attack-ish, remus cursing like a sailor and joking about jumping, kind of shy/reserved!remus, some angst, happy ending ofc, background jilypad

Note: phew this was intense but sosososo much fun to write. it is very much a fluffy fic tho, don't be worried<3 i fucking love this story/dynamic so much

a blurb about their happily ever after

It is an ill-kept secret that Remus John Lupin struggles with romantic public displays of affection.

It was something his best friends had teased him relentlessly for since the first time he was given a Valentine Day’s card in year two by a boy that he didn’t even have a crush on mind you, and became a stuttering, spluttering mess. He could still hear James and Sirius’ barks of laughter the second that Hufflepuff was out of view and could still feel the bench shake from when Peter fell off it, clutching his stomach. Remus had been sure his cheeks would be permanently dyed red from the shame.

His one friend who did not betray him in such a manner was his oldest, namely you. Remus’ sweetheart, as Sirius called you, his childhood best friend from back home who he broke the statute of secrecy for when he was too young to realise what that meant, but who thankfully turned out to be a witch too. Something you both wept tears of joy for, as you did not have to be separated when he went off to Hogwarts.

On that horrid day, you only pinched his darkening cheeks and laughed quietly – still teasing, but in a way that felt more like admiring and less like humiliating. He faintly remembers scrunching his nose at you in response, a look you immediately mirrored before you went to hide him in the crook of your neck and gave the others a faux scolding for “embarrassing poor Rem when he is wholly capable of doing so himself”. 

His makeshift pack of friends kept that routine up for the rest of his school years, consisting of James and Sirius poking constant fun, Peter enjoying it all a tad bit too much, and you “protecting” him while laughing all the same. His affliction only worsened throughout his time at Hogwarts, but if one of his afflictions were to be the butt of a joke, he supposed he was grateful it was this one.

In moments like these, it was a tad bit difficult to keep that sentiment up, though.

“You should have seen the look on his face, doll!” Sirius made out through a laugh as the group made their way back from Hogsmeade. 

He was recounting Remus’ dance on the Three Broomsticks dancefloor with one slightly-more-rowdy-than-normal Emmeline Vance who all but dragged him out there despite his quiet sputters. You had been off on some endless errands that Remus had passionately attempted to join you for before Sirius all but bolted him to the bench because “you owe me a round, you mangy wolf”.

“I believe I have seen it many a time, Siri,” you laughed out, yelping slightly when Remus pinched your side from where he had his arm around you. “Hey!” you scolded him half-heartedly, point diminished by your grin.

“Cheeky minx, don’t side with the devil!” Remus conspired with you through a stage-whisper while glaring at Sirius, whose laughter only doubled in intensity.

“You can’t ask me to lie for you, del,” you replied in the same tone of voice, leaning up to kiss his cheek as if to apologise for your treachery. An apology that was wholly accepted as Remus tugged you closer into his side and allowed for the laughter around him to continue with a sigh.

Because therein lies the one exception – Remus Lupin was pathetically incapable of public displays of affection, unless they were with you.

His problem with these displayals was the insinuation behind them and the attention that was brought to him because of it. If Emmeline dances with him, leaving a scandalously little amount of room between them, he knows what she wants from him and everyone else does, too. If his current romantic partner kisses him in the hallway, it is a glimpse into something that otherwise occurs behind closed doors, a reveal of his private life that he does not enjoy. He wants that part hidden, and embarrassment flares through him like a rocket at the thought that others bear witness to it – and then the flames are stoked when they notice that he knows and has enough dignity to be embarrassed, which just fuels an eternal evil cycle.

You, however – your wonderful self he has known all his life, you who refused to ever leave his side despite his lycanthropy and subsequent grumpy, isolationist persona, you who are his absolute better half and light of his life – there was no reason that affection should be hidden. There was nothing secretive nor fragile in your relationship, it was the purest thing he had ever had the pleasure of having.

There was nothing insinuative or blasphemous about it, there was nothing to be held against him. He would hold you, hug you, even kiss your shoulder, cheek and forehead, because he and all else around knew that it meant nothing more. It was nothing out of the norm, nothing for others to point out and bring attention to. There was no glance into something hidden away, there was no line being overstepped. It was just two best friends, aware and proud of how much they meant to one another.

So Remus never had any hesitations about leaning into your touch, about seeking yours out, about lips identifying exposed skin and staying there for a moment or two. It was something he began doing before he truly knew what embarrassment entailed, it was muscle memory as much as instinct these days.

And if others did not understand it fully, that was an issue Remus for once felt no confinement to public opinion on. If people made assumptions or threw glances, it held no importance to him. Even his Marauders, Sirius especially, raised their eyebrows at your proximity when you all first met, but they understood the routine of it all quickly. That these two first years before them were a package deal in every form of the word. It was quickly accepted within your little pack, albeit fondly commented on every now and again. James had Sirius in that same unrestrained way, bodies strewn across each other at any given opportunity, so why couldn’t Remus have you? Why wouldn’t he?

Never mind that Sirius was officially brought into James and Lily's relationship at the end of last term.

“Well, James would hug anything that moved and seemed like it might need it.” Sirius had argued one night many years ago, not needing to add the and I need it.

“And isn’t that lovely for Prongs,” Remus had drawled in return. “But I need a few years to get there, and Y/N happened to be more strategic than you lot.”

“By knowing you first?”

“Precisely. Also, she’s lovelier than you.” 

It had earned him a snort and a pillow to the face, but it was accepted without further questioning. With the exceptions only occurring in a drunken babble here and there from Sirius, alone in their dorm after a party. Remus is quite certain he couldn’t string together a coherent sentence if his life depended on it in those states, and so he never took it to heart.

Remus revelled in having something of his own, someone only he understood on that level, and his heart always warmed when he thought about how lucky he was that that someone was you.

He subconsciously pulled you even closer at that thought, content and comfortable to do so whether that be around his marauders or in front of the whole Great Hall; there was nothing more to it to be embarrassed of. It was just you; just Y/N and Remus. Like always.

“You occluding yourself away from your menace of a dorm mate?” you whispered to him then, and he angled his chin down slightly with a smile to find you looking at him curiously.

“Oh, yeah,” Remus agreed with a solemn nod. “Must prepare for being locked up in a room with him all night. It’s tedious work, you know?”

“Most certainly.” You attempted to match his faux severity, but a giggle escaped you nonetheless – a beautiful one that Remus decided to mentally save for the night, should Sirius become unbearable.

Speaking of; “I take great offence to that,” Sirius proclaimed from the few strides ahead he was, pointing his finger in Remus’ direction without turning around. “Dog-like hearing, Moony, don’t think you can get away with badmouthing me here!”

“Dog-like he says,” Remus whispered to you, earning him an indignant “oi!” as Sirius finally turned around.

“Gorgeous, would you tell your worse half to knock it off?”

“I sure will,” you declared, turning your body more towards Sirius in Remus’ grasp. “Siri, sweetheart, would you knock it off?”

Within the second, Sirius’ offended expression transformed into one of giddiness. “Awe, princess, you think of me as your other half?”

“Worse half, Pads,” James interjected, looking over his shoulder bemusedly.

“Do keep up,” Remus added with a half-hearted glare.

“Irrelevant!” Sirius threw his hands up and spun around in celebration. “I have won the title of her other half, you can get lost Moons.”

Remus used his arm around your shoulders to angle you back away from Sirius. “I think not. I’ve been keeping this friendship for so long, she’ll need a lawyer to get rid of me,” he stated matter-of-factly, looking down at you at the last bit. “Capiche?” He tilted his head at you.

You hummed through a poorly-withheld smile, as if you were considering it. “Sure thing, cariad. Meet with our lawyers tomorrow after lunch?”

Remus gasped as you ripped out of his grasp and stuck your tongue out at him. Flashbacks of your younger days chasing each other down dirt roads came to his mind and widened his grin as he saw you back away from him, eyes trained on his expression. 

“Minx,” he breathed out through a laugh just before you sat off running away from him; Remus hot on your heels, laughter escaping him freely. Sirius began running with you, though he was slowed as he twirled around and hollered, surely waking the entirety of the mountaintops surrounding the castle.

James had been minding his own business for once as he engaged in quiet conversation with Lily and Pandora, but his eyes twinkled as he eyed his three running friends, exchanging a knowing look with the redhead.

“Young love,” Pandora sighed dreamily, though James could never be certain if she was looking at the loud, carefree forms before them or at something entirely different.

Remus saw you stopped running while still some dozens of metres away from the castle, still facing away from him, but arms opening to accommodate for the impending crash of his body against yours. It does something funny to his heart to think about, but he just lets it widen his smile as he did exactly as expected – let his arms loop around your waist and twirl you around as he caught up to you. 

Your out-of-breath giggles permeated into his ears as his face was tucked in between your neck and shoulder as he slowed down, laughter calming in his own chest.

“Caught you,” he whispered through his own breathlessness. “Happy now?”

You turned in his grasp, squeezing at his shoulders both to show affection and seemingly to steady yourself as your chest still heaved; Remus held you tighter to help you in the latter endeavour. “Shook off Sirius for a bit, so yeah, I am. As should you be.”

He dropped his head laughing at that, glancing behind him through his hair to see Sirius bent over, hands on his knees as James had already caught up to him and was patting his back in sympathy. Any other time of the month, Remus would likely have been right there with him, but this was a good week and you always seemed to be able to find some semblance of energy within him, even if he thought he had none.

“I take back my calling you minx, then.” He looked at you with a smile. “That was strategic.”

“Are you saying minxes can’t be strategic, Loopy?” You raised your eyebrows at him teasingly, pulling slightly out of his grasp to breathe better.

“I’m saying– don’t call me Loopy.”

Your smile became almost taunting at that, and Remus knew his comment likely only worsened the likelihood of you using that nickname now. “I just remembered how I used to call you that the other day actually,” you mused, putting on an innocent smile. “I don’t remember why I stopped, I just forgot about it. I think it might be time for a renaissance.” 

“I think I’m too out of breath for you to say things like that. I can’t chase you any further, but that deserves to be chased.”

You shoved lightly at his shoulder at that. “You’re getting too old, you’re no fun.”

“I’m super fun. Textbook definition,” Remus harrumphed, gleaning when you rolled your eyes through a burst of laughter.

“No one who references textbook definitions is fun, Moons!” James called from where the group was catching up to you two, finally within earshot. 

Sirius was practically draped across James’ shoulder, breath still coming heavy. He pointed yet another accusatory finger, this time at you. “You’ll be the death of me, dollface. Merlin’s tits.”

“Don’t blame me for your own inadequacy, gorgeous,” you quipped back. It made Remus rather proud, especially when Sirius groaned dramatically in response.

“Time to get some beauty sleep then, yeah?” James coaxed, giving Sirius’ cheek a peck as he continued effortlessly dragging him in through the entrance of the castle.

Lily hummed in agreement, poking one of her boyfriends in the side. “Yeah, Sirius seems to need it.”

“You think I’m so sexy, Red, don’t lie to yourself,” Sirius mumbled, petulantly remaining worn out over James’ shoulders.

Remus smiled at his friends, hand reaching out behind him blindly, knowing you’d find it. Surely enough, your fingers intertwined with his own and gave him a little tug to hasten his gait down the hallways.

Moving up the staircases with surprisingly little trouble, the group finally found themselves outside the portrait of the Fat Lady, ready to split up with you and Pandora heading to Ravenclaw and the rest clambering inside. 

You made your goodbyes, quick hugs and kisses on cheeks with Lily and James and a kiss to the hand from Sirius who had decided to lay down dramatically on the floor. When you turned to Remus at last, just a tad bit away from the others, he enveloped you in a warm hug, breathing you in as he settled his chin on your shoulder.

“Let me walk you?” he asked, already knowing you would say no.

“Nice try Loopy, but I’d rather you go inside to the warmth and head to bed,” you murmured into his neck. “Thank you, though.”

You always said no. He always asked, anyway. Sometimes, if he was feeling particularly protective or otherwise missed you too much, he’d go with you anyway. Today he decided to respect your wishes.

“Tell me again why you had to be an independent person and get sorted into your own house?” he grumbled against you, smiling when he felt your chest rumbling beneath him. That same smile softened when your grip on him grew just the slightest bit tighter.

“Something tells me you’ll survive.” 

He tightened his hold on you in turn, one arm around your waist and the other stabilising your neck, before he spun your body around twice, twirling along the hallway. He relished in the laughter that escaped you and ensured to stamp a proper kiss to your hair before he released you back down to the floor.

“Sleep well, dove.”

“Goodnight, cariad,” you said through a soft smile, giving him and the others a small wave before turning around to where Pandora was waiting, grabbing her hand as you two all but skipped down the hallway together.

With his eyes still glued on your disappearing form, Remus nearly yelped as James’ hands came up to settle roughly on his shoulders – albeit somewhat careful of his joints – steering him through the now-opened portrait, who was rambling on with complaints about students taking up the space in front of her for too long.

“Funny that,” James started. 

Remus gave him a puzzled look. “What, Prongs?”

“Just that you danced with one Ravenclaw at the Three Broomsticks for two minutes and gained the colour and conversational skills of a tomato; but when you twirl and kiss this Ravenclaw, all you’re left with is that goofy grin of yours.” James’ comment seemed off-handed, said over his shoulder as they walked through the empty common room.

“First of all, it’s Y/N we’re talking about and not some Ravenclaw,” he started, confusion laced in his voice. In the meantime, James and Sirius kissed Lily goodbye, the latter giving her bum a light tap as she moved up the stairs to the girls’ dorms. “Secondly, it’s Y/N. She’s my best friend, and one of yours, mind you. What’s there to go all tomato for?”

“Some would argue, there is never any reason to go all tomato,” Sirius taunted, ducking the smack Remus aimed towards him.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” James laughed, literally waving it off. “Just pointing out the parallel. Ironic, innit?”

“Don’t see why it would be,” Remus grumbled petulantly in return. Sirius reached up to ruffle his hair somewhat roughly before entering their dorm, where Peter was already waiting for them, tucked into bed.

“What’re we laughing about tonight, fellas?” he questioned without looking up from the magazine he was reading through. Remus was fairly certain he had seen Mary reading through that very same magazine last week.

“Oh just at Remus’ peculiarities with birds.” Sirius felt emboldened with his comment from where he was crouched behind his bed – ample distance to protect him from Remus, he surely gathered.

“So, nothing new? Nice.” Peter returned his attention to the magazine it never really left.

“Yeah, don’t worry Pete – your friends are just as big arseholes as on any other day.” Remus bent down to pat the boy on the shoulder before moving over to his own bed, between Peter and Sirius’. 

“Hey, I don’t mean to be an arsehole,” James complained with almost a full pout across his lips within a second of Remus’ comment. “We’re just having a bit of fun psychoanalysing you, s’all.”

“Which, of course, is a generally accepted polite thing to do.” Remus nodded as if he was gravely understanding, only flipping James off when the other boy didn’t catch his sarcasm.

“No, Remmy, what would be rude is to point out how you are desperately–” Sirius began with taunting mirth plastered all over his face, but he was cut off as James all but jumped on him to cover his mouth. 

The black haired boy looked up at his boyfriend first with some offence and then a look Remus didn’t want to witness.

“How about we leave poor Moony alone for the night, huh baby?” James questioned, moving his hand away from Sirius’ mouth as the other boy nodded almost dumbly, still staring up at him.

“Who’s turning red now?” Remus whispered to himself as he looked through his trunk for his pyjamas. He barely had the reflexes to catch the pillow Sirius hurled at him, tossing it back with a loud laugh that was quickly reciprocated by his best mates.

As if a miracle had been awarded them by some forgiving gods, the boys’ dorm room quieted down fairly quickly after that. Sirius and James settled in Sirius’ bed for the night, barely fitting themselves onto the mattress that was almost too small for one boy, let alone two. Once in each other’s arms, however, it was an easy thing to drift off. Peter was asleep before the other three had even brushed their teeth.

Remus was the only one tossing. Not unusual, but he couldn’t really understand why that was tonight. 

His sleep cycle often closely followed the moon’s, and he was almost two weeks away from the full moon, a perfectly decent time for falling and staying asleep. Tonight, though, his body was once more fighting him. He kept replaying the night, the conversations, the interactions, trying to pin his unrest on something. He supposed that dance with Vance had been unexpected and the adrenaline spike of all the attention following it might still linger and make sleep evade him. 

Despite what his dismay for public romantic displays might indicate, Remus was no prude. As a matter of fact, just as Sirius had before he was locked down, Remus was no stranger to making his rounds at the occasional common room party. Rarer was it that he shagged anyone back home, as he spent most of his time with you, but it had happened here and there too. Vance and him had even spent a night together once at a quidditch afterparty, but he had no significant interest in her apart from a mutually understood night of fun. He never really did, even when his partners were great in all capacities. It just didn’t seem that romance was an object for Remus – and good riddance, if the struggles of dealing with it so far was any sign.

Perhaps that was it then, dancing with Vance had rehashed something for him. Though the idea didn’t settle well in his bones, Remus also knew that he would never settle if he didn’t give his mind an excuse for his sudden restlessness.

After checking the time with a hefty sigh, he decided to throw in the towel and took a small sip of a sleeping draught potion he had at the ready in his bedside table at all times. If sleep would not come to him, he would hunt it down damn it. His friends’ playful mockery and a dance he didn’t even want to partake in would not cause him any more torment.

As Remus slipped into the land of dreams, he may come to regret that sentiment, if but a bit.

There are warm bodies pressed uncomfortably close to him – the warmest of which has her arms around his neck, one hand scraping through his hair. It should feel good, Remus enjoys when his hair is played with, but this feels sharp enough to draw blood. Emmeline’s laugh is all he can make out over the chatter and stomping around him, but it feels wrong, scratchy like a record player. Her fingers on him are cold, unlike anything else in the room.

It is spinning. The room, that is. Remus is unfocused, as if he had been shooting vodka and not butterbeer earlier. He can’t quite make out any of his friends, or anyone really, Emmeline’s features bleeding out into the background.

For some reason his heart is pounding the way it does before his transformation. Everything feels painfully wrong and he is aware of every inch of his body where Emmeline is touching him.

She is still laughing and Remus is sure it would make his ears bleed, which only confuses him further because Emmeline is truly a nice girl. Just not one he wants to feel flush against himself at the moment.

He reaches a hand up to touch his ear – realising only now that his arms are hanging limply by his sides, the only static thing in the otherwise spinning room – and when he retracts his hand to look at it, his fingers are coated with blood.

His breathing grows ragged as he feels the blood running down the side of his neck. He has half a mind to tell Emmeline, to shout for help. He doesn’t. Nothing comes out when he tries to open his mouth, all control of his body ripped from his grasp.

With no warning he realises the wetness on his neck is not blood, but someone’s open mouth smearing kisses down it with reckless abandon. His stomach ties in knots and he wants to push Emmeline off of him, still to no avail.

Her grip on him tightens painfully, and Remus swears he feels a bone break. He would know.

The flurry behind her has just become a swirl of colours and sounds to him and Remus feels himself drowning in a moment he desperately wants away from. He shuts his eyes hard, taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

He feels a warmth in his chest, starkly different from the heat around him, that slowly, like thawing ice, begins to spread throughout him. He hums the melody you sang to him during his first ever panic attack, the sweet one that always lulls him to sleep, and the warmth spreads faster.

With his eyes still screwed shut, Remus begins to regain the feeling in his legs first, noticing them swaying back and forth to some calmer, unknown rhythm.

The feeling in his hand returns too, and it’s clasped around someone else's. Theirs is also warm, light and fits much better in his, though he’s not quite sure what he’s comparing it to.

The front of his body is warmer than the back as he’s pressed up against someone, swaying with them in a slow dance that would never have worked in the middle of Three Broomsticks. It flows with his soul.

At last, Remus can hear again, as if coming up from water. He hears that it was not him humming, but rather a soft figure tucked under his chin, humming the vibrations of the melody against the side of his neck.

When he tightens his arms instinctively, he does not need to open his eyes to know it is you.

He does anyway, looking down at you, standing in his arms, swaying together in an empty Gryffindor common room. There is a lazy smile on your lips as you look up at him, cheek against his chest, eyes twinkling like the starlight.

Remus feels right. Remus feels good. His thoughts are honey, sweet but slow, coating over any coherent reactions he might have to standing here with you like this. He escaped and he is with you and all is right once more.

Have you danced like this before? Did it feel like this then?

You seem unpuzzled, relaxed. The warmth settles in Remus for good.

“Hey handsome,” you whispered, as if you were sharing a secret with him before angling your face more up towards his.

Remus is not in charge of his body when his neck dips down and lets his lips meet yours halfway, casual and expectantly, a habit as much as a wish. You taste like yourself. You smell like yourself. Remus is surrounded by you, cornered by your smile against his lips.

You pull back all too quickly, furrowing your brows at him. Dream-Remus has no hesitation of removing the hand from around your back to thumb at the furrow, brushing away any negative thoughts from you. He kisses the spot between your eyebrows.

Everything is right.

When his eyes meet yours again, the concerned look in them has not changed. You reach a tentative hand up to his cheek, thumb swiping over his cheekbone as you hold him with what he irrevocably knows to be love. 

“It’s time to wake up, cariad,” you said with a small sad smile.

The last thing Remus remembers is the feeling of the floor disappearing beneath him.

Remus sat up with a gasp, and for a rare moment in time he was speechless.

He was not a stranger to invasive, questionable or downright spiritual dreams, a side effect of both his connection with the moon and the tons of potions he has taken over the years. Usually, he is present in his dreams and acts as his own little commentator during and after them, narrating what happens and what he thinks of it.

It was not uncommon for him to think “I think I will remember this one” as the final thought in a dream. Or when he wakes up in tears, his first thought was often “that was a bit dramatic of you, calm down”.

Now, he had nothing. Now, he was speechless.

Worse yet, usually when he wakes up with a jolt, it is in the middle of the night – but now, as his senses began to trickle back in, he could hear the commotion around him that only could mean the boys are at various stages in the process of getting ready.

Remus Lupin had just had a life-altering, earth-shattering dream, and James Fleamont Potter was repeatedly knocking his knee into his nightstand as he jumped around while tying his shoes on, instead of sitting down to do it like a normal person would.

He thought James was saying something, and maybe even to Remus specifically, but he could still hear the blood rushing through his head. Beneath that again, he could hear your humming. 

With a groan, Remus let himself topple over from his sitting position to land face-first into his duvet.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck?

“Oi!” Remus finally heard, as what felt like a rolled up pair of socks hit his head. “What in Godrick’s name has gotten into you, mate? You good?” It was Sirius voice calling, seemingly from across the room.

Remus just groaned in reply. His eyes were wide open as he stared directly into his sheets, feeling both freezing cold and like his brain was slowed by a fever.

“You okay, Moons?” Peter’s voice came gentler from beside him. Remus thought his hand might be hovering near him, as if he was considering consolingly patting him but was unsure if he should.

Another groan.

“Okay, what about this: groan once if this is Moony mooning over something and twice if you’re in actual crisis,” James suggested, not unkindly.

A singular groan, though it sure did feel like two.

“Groan once if you’re a prick and twice if you’re insufferable,” Sirius felt the need to comment.

Instead of making any further sounds, Remus wrangled his arm from beneath the blanket to show Sirius how he felt about him in the moment with a gesture.

“Fantastic!” James exclaimed. “You have class in 35 minutes, Moons, and breakfast now, so best get a move on.” Remus heard the telltale sound of James leaving – as in, James’ heavy footsteps moving across the floor and Sirius scrambling like a dog to follow after him. At the complete lack of sounds in the rooms after that, he assumed Peter moused after them as well.

At last Remus sat up with a sigh and stared emptily in front of him, mind moving too fast for him to catch a thought but too slow for him to properly process anything.

What does this mean? 

Except Remus could no longer deny that he knew what it meant. That the instant your humming caressed his ears, he knew what it meant. That his subconsciousness wanted to replace a girl who saw him as a romantic prospect in a place Remus felt queasy in with you in a place he considered home. That is no coincidence.

And that when you kissed him–

Except you did not kiss him. Remus shook his head at that, as if the thoughts could just tumble out of his ears. You did not kiss him and he did not kiss you. Because this was a dream, it was not real and Remus must just be really, really unwell.

He felt unwell, but not in the way he was trying to convince himself.

Taking one deep breath, Remus looked to the awning of their little dormitory and shot out a silent prayer for any higher power to listen.

Put me back together, I cannot fall apart like this.

Bury this back down deep, I cannot feel like this.

It was going to be a long day.

─── ⋆⋅ ☾⋅⋆ ───

By the time Remus had made it to the entryway to the Great Hall, feeling frazzled and less put together than he had an excuse to, he saw his group of friends making their way out.

“Rem!” It was you who caught sight of him first, and immediately beelined towards him, the others following closely behind, wearing varying degrees of concern and confusion as they looked him up and down.

Your face was by far the most concerned, as you immediately brought your left hand up to cup his cheek. “Are you alright, cariad?”

For the first time in your almost two decades of friendship, Remus was painfully aware of your physical proximity.

He always knew, of course, but it never really registered with him – it was completely natural. Right now, nothing about him felt natural. You stood flush with him and he felt you against him like a fire, skin singeing beneath his clothes. Your eyes seemed so big looking into his that he could get lost in them, his only internal monologue being a dreamy sigh and a long string of curse words at the absolute madhouse chaos that his mind was becoming. As he looked at you, it was like he could see his version of you from his dream as well, how you looked at him with so much love and admiration, how your lips inched closer to his.

“Mate?” Remus realised then, that he had been staring at you for far too long, not answering your question, to the point where James had to try to catch his attention.

“I– uh,” Remus sputtered, eyes flickering wildly all over your face, panic rising in his chest as he realised he could not think clearly with you so close.

He took a step back without thinking, just barely out of your grasp but still close, and shook his head. “Sorry, yeah, no, yes, I just feel a bit… off today.”

The furrow between your brows deepend, and once more his mind flashed back to his dream. His hand twitched. It seemed like you weren’t even aware of it when you took a step closer, to be back by his side, reaching your wrist up to place it on his forehead to feel his temperature. “You’re feeling poorly?” you whispered so quietly and so lovingly Remus thought he might faint.

Was it always like this? It was always like this. Why was he freaking out about it then? He was freaking out. What the fuck was wrong with him?

With horror, Remus realised that a slight blush was creeping up his neck, and he fought hell to keep it down as he cleared his throat. “Just a little, uh, dove, it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Do you want to go lay down?” You began what he knew would be a string of suggestions for things to do to make him feel better, and he could not stand watching you be so concerned when he was lying to you.

Almost like a flinch, he pulled back out of your arms – properly this time, taking several strides backwards away from the group. It barely registered with him that James and Sirius were looking at him with some confused amusement while Lily looked sympathetic.

“I, erm, will be fine, yeah? Nothing to worry about.” Without properly looking, he reached an arm out to grab Peter by the shoulder and all but manhandled him to his side. “Peter and I have Herbology now, but uh, I’ll catch you later?”

Remus hated how everything he said sounded like a question, like he was running a lie by you for you to confirm if it was believable. Remus hated that he couldn’t tear his gaze away from your face for more than a few seconds and most of all he hated that he was spiraling under the weight of your gaze in turn. A horrible combination.

“Take care, Rem,” you whispered as he all but ran away from you, hauling Peter along.

You stood looking after him for a moment, only turning your head when you felt Lily’s reassuring hand on your shoulder to find a small smile on her face.

“What in the buggering hell was that?” Sirius questioned, looking mostly at you for an answer.

“I don’t know,” you said, honestly. Had you known, you might still not have told him, though, if you thought Remus wouldn’t want you to. “I usually always know about his moods before they come, but this has me stumped,” you murmured, mostly to yourself.

“He woke up weirdly,” James mused, rubbing his hand across his chin. “I guess we’ll just see where the day goes, yeah?”

The four of you nodded at each other, but you still gnawed on your lip in concern, glancing over your shoulder to where he disappeared. 

Whatever it was, you hoped he would come talk with you about it when he was ready.

─── ⋆⋅ ☾⋅⋆ ───

Remus only had one hour to compose himself during Herbology before he had Charms with you. Sharing most of his classes with you was something he had always considered a blessing, and while that sentiment would likely never fade, it was also causing him some distress as he almost toppled the work desk with his jittering.

Peter didn’t question him, but Remus’ obvious nerves were apparently contagious for the anxious boy who jittered right along with him, casting him the occasional glance.

Letting his elbows fall heavily on the desk, Remus put his head in his hands and ignored the instructions Professor Sprout was walking them through – he would let Peter pick up the slack for once and then subsequently accept the lower marks. Right now, Remus had to think and get his shit together.

He breathed his way through some panic exercises and pictured you in his mind. It almost brought a smile to his lips in an instant and for the first time, he let the realisation of how irrevocably wrecked for you he was.

Has it always been like this? Why have I never put this into words before? How can I revert back?

In that moment, Remus decided two things. Firstly, there was no possibility of you returning his feelings nor would he ever expect you to. It was true that you accepted and loved him in a way he never could quite believe himself deserving of, but that in itself is testament that it couldn’t be any more. What you gave him was already too much, it would be unthinkable for you to harbour even deeper feelings for him.

Second, and most importantly, he could not lose you. Remus has made many mistakes in his time, but he could not live with himself if he lost you. It would be too much. Because regardless of the fact that he now knew he was– that he now knew what he knew, the friendship between you was the most important thing. It was Remus and Y/N, right?

He could not be weird and sputtering, he could not make you uncomfortable. Meaning, he could not withdraw from you despite his instinct to run and hide. Shame burned within him at the thought that even if he could withdraw he didn’t know if he could fight his want not to. You were muscle memory.

Remus opened his eyes and slowly dragged his palms down his face in resolution. He would have to act as if nothing was wrong, and he would have to lie through his bloody teeth to explain away whatever bodily reactions he has.

If he starts stammering, he will have to shut up and lie that he is tired. If he becomes an embarrassing shade of auburn, he will have to cough and lie that he might be coming down with a fever. If he shakes, it is because of lack of sleep. If he, Merlin forbids, cries, he will have to claim he must be coming down with some odd moonsickness. You will surely follow him to Madam Pomfrey and maybe it will be easier when you’re alone.

Or maybe it will be worse.

No matter which it was, Remus would have to soldier it, for your sake. You did not deserve his imposing infatuation, but you also did not deserve to lose what you thought to be a loyal friend.

When him and Peter packed up the barely-used desk and mumbled a goodbye to a disapproving Sprout in the door, Remus made it his mission to focus on his breathing again as he almost ran down the hallways to where your friend group always met up outside the Charms classroom.

Be normal, be normal, be normal.

Your eyes found him the second he rounded the final corner, almost as if you had been watching it, waiting for him. A beautiful smile lit up on your face as soon as you saw him, albeit a bit dampened by the worry in your eyes – he simultaneously wanted desperately to soothe you while also berating himself for it being there. His fault.

“Hey dovey.” He forced his words to be casual, his smile to be measured as he strode up beside you. 

This is where he is supposed to drag you into a sideways hug, squeezing your hips while dropping a kiss on the top of your head, causing Sirius to make some quip about “you were literally just gone an hour. He stood beside you perhaps a beat too long before he began to do so with shaking hands, and he felt your burning look as you studied him. Remus made it all the way up to where he would kiss your head before he chickened out due to the tornado screaming in his stomach.

“Hi, Rem,” you all but whispered, your words just for him. You opened your mouth to say more, but he was afraid of what it would be.

“Waited long?” he asked to distract you from it.

“Nah,” you said and leaned further into his side. “But I’m glad you’re here now. How’re you feeling?”

At that, he saw Peter, Sirius, James and Lily – who had been stuck in their own little world – look up and try to hear what he has to say. Remus crumbled under their watchful gazes, knowing they knew him well enough to pick apart his every little reaction. He cleared his throat.

“I don’t really know,” he settled for. “My head’s murky, didn’t sleep well.”

You made a soft cooing sound and started rubbing circles on the side of his hip from where your arms were circled around him. It knocked a wave of dizziness into him that made him want to take a step back to lean against the cold stone wall behind you. In replacement he settled for holding onto you tighter; it only made it worse.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go lay down? Merlin knows we won’t be missing out on anything with the way Flitwick rambles away any sense he might have.”

This is where Remus would laugh heartily at your obvious disdain for the professor that he never truly understood. Instead, his mind zeroed in on one word you said.

We. We, we, we, we.

Circe’s tits, did he want to take you up on that.

He swallowed, acutely aware that you must have heard the sound when stood so close to him, though you didn’t give away any reaction. To buy himself a moment to collect his thoughts, Remus finally dared tilt his chin downwards to kiss the top of your head. It might have been too slow, too tentative, but his heart was beating so fast the rest of his body felt too slowed down in comparison. He hoped you thought the kiss was a thank you for caring and not the nervous stall it was. He hoped he wouldn’t be eternally damned for breathing in the scent of you.

“I’m quite alright, dove,” he murmured instead, furiously avoiding the surely questioning gazes of his other friends. “Thank you, though.”

You grumbled some but didn’t push him on it. He silently thanked you for that, too.

His throat was too parched to partake in the silent banter amongst his friends as you walked into Charms, too focused on where your bodies brushed as you walked, too deafened by the sound of your laughter.

You sat down in your regular spots, you and Remus side by side in the front, with Sirius and James behind you and Lily and Mary to your right. This was normal, this was alright. Flitwick droned on about the theoretics and debates around the charms you learned last lesson, it went in one ear and out the other.

Absentmindedly, you had grabbed Remus’ hand lightly between yours and were tracing soothing circles along his wrist and palm. You meant so well, and this would have cured likely any other ailment Remus struggled with, but right now there were fireworks going off in his head.

Taking advantage of the notice Dumbledore had given all of his professors to not call Remus out on sleeping in class, he folded his arms and laid his head down on them, carefully not to take his hand away from you. If he could shield his face, he could probably talk himself down before class ended.

In the solitude of his arms, he could picture it was just the two of you, sitting in the treehouse you built between your houses as children. If he focused enough, he could smell the apples that grew around him and feel the rough wood beneath his stomach. There, your hand would still be in his, maybe even your cheek on his chest, and it would be alright. It would all be alright because it was just you, and Remus could play dumb and he would never have to realise his feelings and fuck himself over.

It almost worked. Until he was interrupted.

“Psst! L/N?” The whisper was laced with a laughter Remus knew too well and did not care for.

You clearly ignored it – Remus could practically see the eye roll you surely threw his way – but that wasn’t enough to stop his theatrics.

“L/N!” Barty called once more from a couple seats behind you to your right, voice threatening to alert Flitwick to your inattention. “What’s wrong with your dog?”

“What?” you whispered back in equal parts confusion and irritation.

“Your puppy, Lupin,” Barty said, as if it was obvious. Unfortunately, Remus could picture his eye roll too, though his stomach was turning for a wholly different reason. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Remus is quite alright, Junior,” you hissed back, hand tightening on Remus’ at the same time as he loosened it. “And don’t call him a dog.”

Remus slowly lifted his head from his arms and took back his hands to wipe harshly at his face, still not looking towards Junior who barked a low laugh.

“Follows you around like one. Wouldn’t surprise me if you had some invisible leash going on–” Barty quipped, cutting himself off before you could respond and turning to Evan Rosier sitting beside him. “Oooooh, an invisible leash is a marvellous idea, Rosie.”

It was clear you had lost his attention, but Remus’ face still burned painfully as he shifted in his seat. With a harrumphing sound, you turned to look at him. He didn’t meet your eye, couldn’t.

“Ignore him.” Remus always marvelled at how you manage to convey your frustration and care at the same time.

He just hummed in the affirmative, still wiping a bit harshly at his face. If he treated it harshly enough, could he blame his violent flush on it?

“Cariad,” you mumbled, gently taking his hands away from his face, clearly spotting his efforts.

He saw your furrowed eyebrows looking at him, and that was the end of what he could take for the lesson. As you opened your mouth, surely to inquire about how he is, like the beautifully kind person he knows you to be, he pushed his chair backwards.

“I think I should probably listen to you and go lay down, dove,” he murmured, avoiding your gaze. Before you could shoot in and say you would come with him, he continued. “Can you please take notes for me in Transfiguration after this?” 

An indirect rejection, a plea for isolation. He didn’t look at your face as he gathered his things, waiting for you to respond instead.

“Sure, if that’s what you want,” you said carefully.

What I want is you.

“Yes, please.” Taking a deep breath, he leaned forward and pressed a parting goodbye kiss to your cheek, tradition. “Thank you, love.”

Then he was sneaking his way out around the desks, barely catching a murmured voice he knew to be Sirius’, likely leaning forward to ask you about him. His lips singed.

─── ⋆⋅ ☾⋅⋆ ───

Remus hid away in his room for two hours, actually being truthful and trying to get a nap in. The dorm room felt serendipitous, being swept up in rare silence and a grace of darkness as he trickled in and out of consciousness. If he dreamed more of you, he would not admit it.

Any semblance of reprieve he might have chased down was ripped away from him by the creaking of the door and the wall of sound that followed his three favourite boys who always got on his last three nerves.

“Oi, Moons!” Sirius exclaimed, far too cheerily. “You know the rules!”

Remus propped his head up on his elbow from where he was sprawled on his stomach, looking blearily at the three figures as they situated themselves within the dorm. “The rule to not wake a sleeping sod? Yes, I’m the only one who knows that rule it seems.”

Sirius took off his sweater as he discarded his uniform and used it to swat at Remus. “Nope! No wallowing on your own. Sharing is caring.”

“‘M not wallowing,” Remus grumbled as he let his head fall back into his pillow.

Letting his guard down was undoubtedly a mistake because the second Sirius was out of sight, he had the audacity to jump into Remus’ bed, nearly flinging him off from the impact. Both Sirius and James were laughing boisterously as Sirius collapsed on top of Remus and ruffled his hair when he tried to shove him off. “Not anymore, no, we won’t let you.” 

Remus hated that he loved them.

“Precisely,” James added as he pointed at Remus from where he was changing into his non-uniform clothes as well. “So either speak your mind or perk up, buttercup.”

Remus groaned but let Sirius drag him up into a sitting position. “Can a poor lycanthrope not have one off day without you lot getting your knickers in a twist?” Despite his best efforts, there was no ire in his voice.

“Nope!” James said, popping the p. “Not on our watch.”

“Life is simply miserable without our Moony,” Sirius said, clutching his chest as if he was ailing. “And do you have any idea how weird it is to see your sweetheart without you by her side? It’s like watching a cut up picture.”

All humour that had been creeping into Remus’ expression was washed away in and instant as he swallowed harshly, suddenly averting his gaze from Sirius. Instead, James caught it, who looked at him with big eyes behind his glasses, cocking his head to the side. He looked far too much like the stag he is, before his mouth opened in a small gasp. “Oh,” he whispered softly.

Remus’ heart was beating painfully hard at the look of realisation that crossed his face, turning back to Sirius who had a similar knowing, almost pitying look in his eyes. No, no, no, no.

“I’ll be fine, you, erm, won’t have to live without me much longer,” Remus tried to volley back, just a few seconds too late, tongue feeling heavy at being found out.

If his best mates could see through him that quickly, then you probably already had. He had half a mind to take you up to the Astronomy Tower like old times, so he could apologise and then jump off as an act of redemption.

Sirius gave his shoulder a rough squeeze, shaking him a little as if he knew what was going through his mind. “Fantastic. Then you’ll join us for our free periods, yeah? And the party later tonight?”

Still somewhat sputtering, Remus’ eyes widened to an extent he was sure was comedic. “The pa– the party?”

James smiled at him. “Yeah, Moons. Gryffindor half-term party? That we have talked about all week?”

“Merlin, maybe Pomfrey needs to go easy on the potions she gives you,” Sirius teased, getting up to finish changing.

“Or she could give me more,” Remus whispered hopefully, earning him a round of chuckles. 

“You’ll be fine, Rem,” James said, with an undertone Remus did not care for. “If you’re still feeling… off throughout the day and night, you can always snuggle up with a book and ignore us hooligans.” Then, almost as if he was testing the waters. “I’m sure Y/N would love to join you.”

Remus didn’t deign any of that with a response, but he suddenly thought he should get out of his bed so his face didn’t seem so red in contrast with the white sheets.

“I have some essays to knock out, so yeah, I’ll join you to study,” Remus relented. He opened his own trunk to get changed, but decided to half-ass it and just take off his tie and replace his uniform wool with one of his own patterned jumpers.

“And for the party later!” Sirius corrected, ensuring Remus didn’t think he could back out.

“Sure, sure.” He ruffled his own hair so it was Remus-messy and not Sirius-messed-up-my-hair-messy. “Let’s just go.”

─── ⋆⋅ ☾⋅⋆ ───

Considering the extent to which he could fuck this up for himself, Remus reckoned he had been doing fairly good keeping his shit together throughout the day.

If he mentally cursed more than normal, contemplated the murder of each one of his friends including himself and generally couldn’t breathe, well, that was merely part of it.

The whole lot had shacked up in the library for the triple free periods you had back to back on Fridays. While you doted concernedly over him for the first thirty minutes, you eased up once you seemed to decide that this wasn’t Remus shoving down some lycanthropy-struggles and avoiding support and help. 

As always, the two of you sat in the love seat, your legs sprawled over his lap as you read through your textbooks in the oddest positions. This was usually something he might chide you for – “your neck will hurt if you hang over the edge like that, love” – but today he buried his face into his textbooks with all his might to not seem like he was aware of your body. He was, of course, you burned over his skin and lit up his heart, and Circe’s tits was he the stupidest sod in the whole castle.

Nonetheless, he made it through all three hours, engaging in comforting banter and low laughs with his best mates. When you teamed up with him to mess with Sirius, he at least knew that you weren’t upset with him in any way, even though he was being a lunatic today, even though he most definitely would have deserved it.

What Remus knew would be his breaking point was the Gryffindor party.

It was a laid back event, a party thrown for all of Gryffindor, though it was mostly the upper years who were encouraged to attend. They arranged it halfway through every term to celebrate making it through and engaging with each other. Meaning, most people didn’t get shitfaced but there was some good bubbling energy maintained throughout the whole night.

You and Remus had a tradition for how you dealt with parties – just as you had a tradition for pretty much everything, he had come to notice. Gods, he lov– Stop it.

Neither one of you were necessarily fond of large crowds, but you both were incredibly loyal and fond of your friends and wanted to spend time with them. Thus, you attended the parties, but you always did so together. The more uncomfortable you got, the closer you would get to each other, and if one ever needed a break, they would tap the other three times and they would make up an excuse to usher them out of there.

It had never felt so unnerving to be so known.

Throughout the whole party he had been jittery, head rushing with thoughts. He desperately tried not to take in your outfit and then he desperately tried not to read into it when you seemed disappointed he didn’t compliment you for it like he usually did. Why did he have to be such a sweet best friend normally? Remus can’t keep up with himself.

It did not help him in the slightest that others around the party seemed to focus on your outfit much more openly than he could dare. It made him gravitate even closer to you, tighten his hand on his hip, momentarily rest his chin on the top of your head – and then his actions made him want to kick himself. Possessiveness was the last thing he could be engaging with when he was already betraying you in such a manner. 

Leave it to Remus to fuck up something beautiful.

To say you didn’t seem to notice that he was troubled would be taking it too far, but at least you didn’t seem to notice why. You kept him close to your side and would at random points stroke his back soothingly. He wondered if you just thought he was uncomfortable with the party.

You were chatting with Pandora by the drinks table when Barty and Evan strolled up to you both with cheshire cat grins.

“There he is, back on his leash,” Junior said through a menacing laugh, ignoring Evan’s slight elbow to his side. “Feeling better, darling?”

“What brings you to the lions' den, Junior?” Remus asked carefully to divert the topic.

“Well. Y/N’s going so Pandora’s going so Evan’s going, and thus–” he did a small flourishing spin “– I’m going.”

“You’re impossible,” Evan murmured, while Pandora just smiled happily. 

“Is he feeling better, then?” Barty asked once more, this time looking at you.

“No, actually,” you said with a small smile Remus knew not to be genuine. “He is absolutely devastated you’re not in the Slytherin common room right now. He had big plans for you there, you know.”

Remus tried to choke down his laugh as Barty looked torn between glee and irritation. Somehow he made both work. “Sorry to soil your plans then, Lupin. Better luck next time.”

Then he stalked off in almost a hurry and Remus couldn’t help but hope he was going to Slytherin to check if you were telling the truth. 

He looked down at where you were standing beside him and squeezed your shoulder lightly. “You really are a minx,” he whispered conspiratorially.

That turned out to be his undoing. You turned your head to the side to look up at him with mirth playing around in your enamouring eyes, a soft tilt to the corner of your mouth. And your face was oh so painfully close to his.

Remus became acutely aware that he could easily lean in and catch your smile with his. That the air he was breathing had been close to you in some of the only ways he had not yet. That he must look like your boyfriend when you’re standing essentially pressed up against each other like this.

That he most certainly has been looking at your lips for far too long.

When he flicks his gaze back up, he sees a slight furrow between your brows again as you seem to take in his reaction, and suddenly he goes from having butterflies in his stomach to needing to throw them all up. He took a sudden staggering step backwards, almost crashing into James who was engaging in some animated discussion with Marlene.

“I, uh,” Remus said and dear Godrick he was stammering. “I’ll get us some drinks and we can sit down, yeah?” He didn’t wait for you to respond, instead spinning his back to you and hoping you pick up conversation with Pandora again.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Don’t be a bloody arse.

He hoped he had steadied himself enough by the time he plopped down in his favourite grandfather chair near the fire. He placed both of your drinks on the table in front of him, vowing to touch his as minimally as possible to make sure he keeps whatever wits he has left with him.

A dumb smile takes over his face as his breathing quickens when he sees you make your way over to the seating area, after having listened to his desperate silent plea and finished your conversation with Pandora. Pushing his luck, he shoots another silent prayer that it will be smooth sailing from here, which is apparently promptly ignored as you happily sit down in his lap.

Fuck.

This, he reminds himself, is also normal for the two of you. Especially at parties, especially if you have reason to believe he is unsteady in any sense of the word, which he most certainly has given you plenty of reason to believe. 

You give him some form of greeting he can’t quite catch and isn’t sure if he reciprocated as you settle down, putting majority of your weight on his right thigh as you lean your body sideways against his. One of your arms snuck around his shoulders, fingers winding up playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, while the other is stabilising yourself on his knee. Majority of your close friends had followed your lead by sitting down in the small gathering, chattering amongst themselves. He was half-aware that you were rambling on about something to him, something he probably really wanted to listen to, but it felt like his head was underwater.

Unsure of what else to do, he lowered his face into your shoulder and took deep breaths there.

You seemed wholly unbothered, fingers continuing in his hair as your soothing voice carried him through what he feared might become a panic attack. He was almost there, when the cocoon you two had in your chair was burst by the presence of your other friends.

“You alright there, Moons? You’re not going to go all vampire on poor Y/N?” Sirius’ tone was lighthearted and teasing, but Remus felt as if he might actually die.

“Oh, he’s quite alright,” you answered for him with a smile before he could embarrass himself, immediately switching over to engage in conversation with the friends sitting closest to you. Your hand on his knee squeezed reassuringly.

Fuck, how could he not love you?

He loved you.

Remus almost had to fight crying as he hid in the crook of his neck, overwhelmed by his own emotions and the surely watchful gazes of those around him – the latter of which was why he couldn’t. 

With a deep breath he let his desire win for just one second and pressed a soft kiss to your shoulder before emerging from his hiding place. He shifted you carefully to be more comfortable, so that your back was against him and he could rest his head on the shoulder he just kissed.

He did fairly good, partaking in conversation, engaging with the others, albeit more quietly and less than usual. He laughed and he smiled and you were so soft against him, as if you had melted. Remus was in heaven while being tortured.

Marlene wolf whistled quietly from where she was sat on the floor, eyeing Remus with mirth. Though he still did not know why, he was already turning red, the tips of his ears burning.

“Hi, Remmy.” He heard the soft voice say beside him and he turned his head to see Emmeline giving him a somewhat sly smile. “The dance floor’s picking up. Want to go for another round?”

Remus’ stomach churned. Emmeline was such a sweet girl and he never could say no to her, the only thing that felt worse than the embarrassment from his friends’ teasing was the thought of embarrassing her – though Remus was sure even thinking like that made him into an even bigger arse.

Sirius and James had told him multiple times that he could say no. As had you, reminding him how important it was to have boundaries, even while you were sitting practically on top of him at the time. He just could never bring himself to.

Yet his mouth seemed to move on its own accord before he could think, arms tightening around you. “No, not tonight Emmeline, sorry. Knock yourself out, though.” He tried to give her a warm smile, but his movements seemed to be outside of his control at the moment, breath sucked from his lungs.

He realised with a sting that he should have given her more credit all along when she beams back at him. “No worries, enjoy your night!” she cheered before twirling towards the dance floor herself.

Remus let out a shaky breath and turned to his friends who were almost staring him down. James’ mouth was even open in shock, which he thought was a bit dramatic.

“Hold on, what just happened?” Sirius guffawed. “Has our little Moony learned to say no?”

Remus flushed even further. “Shut up, Pads.”

“Don’t think I will,” his mate replied with a wolfish grin turning to look to the others for support. “Never thought I’d see the day.”

“What’s inspired this change in you?” Mary asked thoughtfully, propping her head into her hands as if she was settling in for a lengthy response.

All eyes were back on Remus and he felt like the mask he had been clinging to all day was crumbling. The nerves that shot through him like lightning now was not his usual humiliation from being in a charged spotlight – no, this was fear. Genuine fear that if he didn’t get his head screwed back on within two seconds, he might say something too revealing, or his face would do it without him having to open his mouth. That his fiery ears would somehow spell out I am in love with my very best friend and I realised it too late and am making it everybody else’s problem. He had no idea what to do.

In his time of despair, with Mary’s big eyes staring up at him, Marlene and Lily already snickering between them and Sirius raising an expecting brow, his instincts knew of only one way out.

His finger on your hip lifted. Tap, tap, tap.

Almost as if a switch had gone off, you made a soft gasp and turned to look at him in his lap. “Gods, Rem, speaking of Emmeline, I totally forgot our gift for Sirius in my dorm room in Ravenclaw!” you exclaimed, putting your all into the act. Your excuse seemed to be a good one as Sirius’ head immediately picked up, not unlike that of a dog’s if you said the word ‘treat’ around them. “We have to go get it before the party’s over.”

You elegantly hopped up and out of his lap, dragging him behind him with a grip on his elbow. Remus stumbled and scrambled behind you, tossing a sorry don’t know what that’s about look to the others over his shoulder. He barely caught sight of what he could only classify as a knowing exchange of smiles between James and Lily.

Before he could truly process your rescue mission, he was standing outside in the cool hallway breathing heavily, portrait closed behind him. 

Before him, you stood with your hands on your hips, scanning his face thoroughly, making him almost cower beneath your gaze. You seemed to make up your mind about something as you took his hand once more and walked with him down the hall in silence, rounding the corners until you reached one of the deep windowsills, the kind the two of you would always sit in and read. 

You jumped to lift yourself into it and once you were sat with one hand on each side of your body, you levelled him with a look.

“Okay, spill,” you said, directly but not unkindly. “What is going on with you?”

Remus did not think this through. He needed help and so he called upon you for it like he always does, not thinking to consider that that might very well make this worse for him.

“It’s…” he began, picking at straws in his mind for an excuse. “It’s nothing, dove. Really.” 

“When’s my birthday?” you asked then, to his surprise. He furrowed his brows at you and told you the date. You smiled a bit smugly. “Exactly. So you know I wasn’t born yesterday.”

He genuinely laughed at that, even if it was at his expense. He let his body do as it wished and took a small step closer to you. Not enough for your bodies to touch, but enough to feel like he was in your space. Safe, even in his panic.

“Remus,” you said softly, painfully gently. You rarely used his first name, and now when you did, it was laced with an undertone he couldn’t stomach. It was beginning to sound a bit like hurt. “What is going on with you? Why… why are you acting this way towards me?”

Because you are the one thing I have never had to question and now I’m questioning everything. Because I’m a bloody prick who has one dream and ruins his life over it. Because my mind is running a mile a minute and your lips feel like magnets and I swear I am losing control in a way I only do during full moons.

“I don’t know what to do,” he ended up whimpering quietly, cowardly.

You looked around the hallway as if the answer would be written on any of the walls and moved your arms slightly to gesture around you. “About what? I can’t help you unless I know what it is, cariad.”

He scrunched his face for a moment, looking away from you. “Can we not do this? It’s nothing you can fix, dove.”

You seemed to grow even more confused at that, almost frustrated. “Why not?” He realised then that the two of you had always helped each other through everything. Being locked out must hurt. He wanted to kick himself, but he didn't know what else to do. “What’s wrong, Remus, please I just–”

Remus is besieged by the power of someone much more reckless, driven by desire to alleviate you of your confusion and him of his pain.

He cut you off with a kiss.

He took a large stride forward to slot himself in between your thighs, eliminating the space between you within a second, bringing both hands up to cup the sides of your face and bring it towards him. His eyes were shut tightly, furrow in his brows as his lips all but smashed against yours in a kiss that felt sacrificially sacred. Your lips are just as soft as in his dream, as is the small gasp that escapes you as you tense in his grasp.

Remus has never felt better and he has never felt worse.

The kiss lasts for about 10 seconds before he pulls away in even more of a flurry. His hands lost their grip on you first, hovering over your cheeks briefly, as if considering going back in before thinking better of it. He still had you captured in the kiss, hanging on to it for as long as he could deign himself, knowing it was his last opportunity to do so, all the while kicking himself over it.

Backing away, he put double the distance between you. He felt drunk, stumbling slightly as he all but scrambled away, a stinging sensation behind his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I don't know why I did that. I didn’t mean to,” he breathed out, reeling at his own impulsivity. “That,” he said through a shaking voice as he looked anywhere but your face, “is my problem, and Y/N, I am so, so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

For the shortest second, he lets his eyes flicker quickly over your face before rushing back to stare at a statue on the wall beside you. Your face was blank, eyes wide. Your fingers were barely touching the lips he had just enclosed in his own.

You must be disgusted. You must be horrified. You must feel violated and Remus wanted nothing more than to disappear from the face of the earth and rid you of this undying problem.

He was every bit the beast you had tried to convince him he wasn’t.

“Why…” you began, voice but a whisper, before you trailed off.

Remus had to shut his eyes at that, tilting his head slightly to the side. If he breathed through his nose, he might not cry. He was sitting before the highest court he knew, and you were about to ask him to explain himself.

“Why are you sorry?”

The words floored him a little, enough to make his eyes snap open and land back on your face. You looked deeply concerned, brows tilted upwards as you seemed to take his face in. “Remus,” you whispered now that you finally had his eyes on you. “Why are you sorry?”

He shook his head in confusion, feeling every bit like the boy he was. “I shouldn’t have done that.” It was all he could get out through his hoarse voice. He also had no idea how to answer that question in a satisfactory way.

You took in a short sharp breath and then lowered yourself onto the ground to stand before him. With your hands held out in front of you, almost as if you were ready to lunge out and catch him if he was to run – an idea that was becoming increasingly enticing to him – you took a small step towards him. “Why?” There was a growing spark in your eye, dimmed only by your worried frown.

“Y/N.” He didn’t know what else to say, eyes trained on you.

“Cariad,” you replied in the same tone, and a tear slipped down his left cheek. You took another measured step towards him, enough to reach out for him if you wanted to – but of course, you wouldn’t want to, not anymore. “It’s alright.”

He felt dizzy at the lack of the scolding or disgust he had braced himself for, realising how stupid he was for even fearing that from you. No, you would reject him sweetly and kindly, and his heart would never be mended from it. That felt worse, somehow.

“It’s not,” he whispered. “Please don’t say it is.”

You smiled ruefully and took another small step towards him. He could feel the warmth eminating from you. Tentatively, you reached up a hand to wipe at the tear still sitting on his left cheek. He held his breath and fought the urge to lean into your touch, but when you pressed your palm more firmly against his cheek, he couldn’t anymore. A soft sigh escaped him and he let his eyes fall shut as your touch supported him. “It is, my sweet boy,” you whispered with an urgency that almost convinced him. “Remus, can you answer me honestly?”

His body tensed once more as his eyes fluttered open to find yours, reverent. Most parts of him were still screaming at him to run away, to shut up, to do anything but this. His heart seemed to be in charge for the moment, though, and he nodded slowly. Trusting you with his world even as he felt like a traitor in yours.

“All this, today… has it been because you have realised you’re… in love with me?” You seemed to be piecing it together as you said the words out loud, eyes carefully searching his face for his reaction.

Another tear slipped down his cheek, and you quickly caught it with your other thumb, both hands now cradling his face. “I’m so sorry,” he said once more.

“You’re not allowed to be,” you whispered, giving him a half-smile, almost as if you were indulging him in a secret of yours. “Please answer the question?”

It was now or never. “Yes.”

To his utter surprise and deep-seated confusion, the smile on your face grew genuine, settling into the one he always searched for. He almost opened his mouth to question it before he was cut off.

No words can describe the sensations that bloomed in his chest, the butterflies that flitted in his stomach, when you used your hands on his face as leverage to pull him towards you for another kiss.

You kissed him. You kissed him. You were kissing.

His mind was threatening to take off like a rocket and captiulate, but his hands had never been more steady as they circled around your waist, splaying out over the small of your back as he dragged you closer. You sighed against him, smile still evident over your lips, and Remus dared – like the bastard he was – to mirror it. 

You were warm against him, but wholly different than you had been in his dream. This felt distinctly real. And just as right.

When you pulled away, your hands had migrated to the back of his neck and you kept your forehead leaned against his. “Good,” you murmured with your eyes still closed. “Because the feeling is mutual.”

He almost reared his head away from you, but managed to only pull back a few centimetres to stare at you in awe. Remus opened his mouth, but no words came out; he could find none intelligent enough to verbalise how utterly gobsmacked he felt.

You seemed to understand him just as well, going by your breathy laugh. There was still that spark in your eye, now shining brightly in the absence of your worry. Had the worry been for him?

“I know I don’t say this enough, but you really are quite an idiot, aren’t you?” you laughed and he slowly felt his heart start beating again.

“Spent too much time with Sirius and James, clearly,” he muttered, half expecting the joke to land flat and you to remember how disgusting he was. Instead, your laugh intensified and you leaned your body further against his. It emboldened him to ask, “What do you mean the feeling is mutual, dove?”

You let your arms glide further up, crossing behind his neck and over his shoulder, bringing him impossibly closer. “Remus John Lupin,” you whispered sincerely. “I am madly in love with you. Romantically. Genuinely. Any thoughts you have that explain that away are false and you mustn't listen to them. I thought you knew by now that I’m always right.”

Even as the grin involuntarily established itself on his face, his eyes were shining with unshed tears. He looked at your face, truly studied it, and he could feel his mind ever so slowly calm down. “You are.”

“What am I?” You were testing him, and he allowed it wholeheartedly.

“Right,” he confirmed. Albeit a bit more hesitantly, he knew better than not to add, “and… in love with me?”

“Two points to Gryffindor.” You reached up to give his lips a soft peck. It felt so natural, like it was already habit for you. He desperately wanted it to be.

“I’m sorry, I’m still reeling from this, dovey,” he confessed, trying to process everything.

There had never been any judgement to be found in your face. “Which parts are you struggling with the most?” 

Your eyes were full of understanding, your face scrunched up in concentration. Remus indulged himself in an old habit by reaching up with one hand to thumb the furrows away. It made you smile just like he wanted it to, and gave him a minute to think. “I don’t understand how I didn’t get it before now. I don’t understand how or why you put up with me. I don’t understand how to keep all these feelings inside such a small heart.”

Your hands were stroking his back carefully as you considered his words. “Well, firstly I would argue your heart isn’t small at all, though I get what you mean. You’re not meant to keep all the feelings inside, you know? That’s when you get all sputtery and jittery and start avoiding your best friends.” You gave him a pointed look and he almost shied under your glance. “Sharing them before you bubble over is always a good thing. We’ll work on it together. As for why I put up with you; I don’t. There’s nothing to put up with, I just enjoy you like we always have.”

Your eyes had trailed off into the distance as you thought, but you brought them back to him with a small smile as you added the final part. “I don’t know what did make you realise, so I can’t help you much there. All I can say is, sometimes we don’t see what is right in front of us.”

Remus nodded along to your words, feeling peace spreading within in that manner only you could inspire in him. He truly was an idiot, wasn’t he? “How long have you known?” he asked then, curiously.

“About you or me?”

“Both?” His smile was becoming closer to his standard sheepish one, and you seemed to preen at the sight.

You bobbed your head side to side as you considered. “It’s hard to pinpoint an exact date – it wasn’t an overnight discovery you know?” Remus did in fact not know nor relate. “But I realised we were in love, not either one’s feelings. It just sat calmly within me.”

“You mean you didn’t freak out to the extent where all students and professors alike were worried about you?”

He grinned at the small giggle that drew from you as you decidedly said, “No. Definitely not.” You studied him for a minute more. “I think I realised about five months ago, but I didn’t feel any real need to rush anything. It felt less like being given a to-do list and more like being revealed the plot twist in a movie before it happens, if you understand? The two best friends get together in the end, don’t tell anyone.”

He ducked his head at that. While he could not relate, your explanation and experience was so wholeheartedly you that it endeared him to no end. “Does that mean we should just ignore it for five more months or…?” His grin turned cheeky as you lightly swatted his shoulder.

“Nah,” you chuckled. “I reckon we’ve waited long enough, yeah?”

He sighed with a smile. “Yeah.”

You both leaned forward at the same time, as if to seal the deal with a kiss. Remus could feel it like electricity in the tips of his fingers, and he understood what you meant about knowing. Now that he was no longer in a constant state of panic, he felt incredibly calm about the whole ordeal.

Or maybe that’s just how he feels around you.

“Should I ask you formally to be my girlfriend, or are we just skipping straight to marriage?” he whispered against your lips.

Remus felt almost wolfish when you barked a loud laugh, throwing your head back and tightening your hold on him instinctively. “I think girlfriend’s enough for now, yeah cariad?”

“If you insist.” He kissed you through his grin, realising that this was all he wanted to do now.

Like he had so many times before, he tightened his arms around your waist and twirled you around in a few circles, legs flying out behind you. Except this time, your giggles were not hidden in his neck but pressed against his lips, and he tried to capture as many kisses as possible while he spun you.

When you landed with a breathless giggle, he kept one arm firmly around your waist as the two of you slowly made your way back to the Gryffindor common room. He wondered if maybe he could grab some blankets and bring you up to the Astronomy Tower so you could be alone without his friends’ meddling. Yet, he wanted to see them as well, ready to volley back any quips about “took you long enough” and “I fucking called it”. Plus, you argued that you should prove that he was in fact alive and sane.

When he walked the halls back to the Gryffindor common room with your body against his, everything felt right. When you entered together, and everyone read what had happened written clearly across your faces, resorting to their usual hoots and hollers, arguably louder than ever before, it never stopped feeling right. 

Remus being Remus, flushed deeply and averted his gaze, as he would continue doing under any uncalled for attention – but your arms squeezing him around the middle brought him right back down and your kiss to his shoulder soothed the burn of their gazes.

“What’s my gift then?” Sirius later asked salaciously as he eyed you two up and down where you cuddled together right back in the same chair, as if nothing changed. Maybe nothing really did.

You grinned widely and cleared your throat. “I honourably present to you,” you said and opened your arms towards Remus with a flourish. “A Moony who is no longer mooning.”

The little group erupted in even more cheers, celebrating the massive feat of taming their brooding boy. Remus couldn’t help but laugh along, even at his own expense. His cheeks were red but it was equally due to the exertion of laughing as it was a tinge of embarrassment. When he hid his face into the crook of your neck again, he didn’t feel nearly as guilty when he pressed a few kisses to the bare skin he found there – even less so when you melted against him with a sigh.

It felt as if a permanent smile had been sown onto his face where he sat, more content than he believed he had been while inside this castle.

Despite Remus Lupin’s disdain for public displays of affection, he had held you publicly many times before this. They all paled in comparison to the feeling of you in his arms now. 

It had always been significant to him in its casualty, just as you have always been significant to him long before he had the mind to put the feeling into words. He will always treasure every moment of your existence in his orbit. Yet the way you melted into his skin now, growing roots in each one of his aching bones – no, nothing could compare to it.

Yes, Remus Lupin ailed from public displays of affection. But you were his cure.

[scarletlizzard]

Inked Desires - Part 2

Read Part 1 right here

Summary: After your one night stand with a stranger turns into a regular hookup, feelings begin to develop between you and Natasha. A night out at the bar with your friends has her begging wanting more with you.

Pairing: gp!Natasha x fem!Reader

Tags MINORS DNI: natasha has a dick, buff out this world & covered with tats and piercings, little bit of yearning and pining, mentions of alcohol, smut, blowjob, unprotected sex, breeding, begging, miscommunication

Masterlist

A/N: Part 1 blew up like crazy! I never ever thought I would EVER get that many notes. Especially for, essentially, a smut piece I wasn't used to writing. After being asked a few times, I agreed to make a part 2, buuut I've been in a (bad) writing rut lately. So I wanna shout out the person who gave me so many good ideas and an actual plot to work with. Y'all can thank just her for there actually being a part 2 cause there almost wasn't one 🙏 Thanks for helping, kisses for your big brilliant brain.

Hopefully, she and y'all like it? It's a bit longer. Let me know what you think, please, and thank you thank you so much for reading 💞

That being said, there will be a part 3 😄

"Split? Like down the middle?" Kate asks with a look of shock on her face. You walk in step beside her along the concrete path on campus.

"Right down the middle," you laugh and adjust the bag on your shoulder, thinking back to just a few days ago when Natashas skillful tongue worked its magic on your body. Your cheeks heat up at the memory.

That first night you met, Natasha had given you a kiss goodbye and gave you her number before you took a very drunk Kate Bishop home. Since then you had seen the redhead multiple times over the course of the last few weeks. Neither of you seemed to be able to keep your hands off of each other. Each time you met it was for sex, and even the time she had taken you to dinner it ended with you getting fucked into her mattress again.

You knew the basics about each other, where you lived, eachothers jobs... the more you thought about it the more it upset you. The physical level the two of you were on was heavenly, but really, well, you barely knew her.

Kates voice interrupts your thoughts as you enter the English building, and you stop walking as she does.

"What was that?" You ask, looking to the smirk plastered on her face with curiosity.

"I said, speak of the devil," she chuckles and nods her head in the direction of a very tall Natasha striding your way. "See you in there," Kate says and walks into the classroom, leaving you in the hallway.

You want to drown in the sight of her, wearing dark jeans and a white t-shirt with old, dirty vans on her feet. You smile, trying not to drool at the way you can see the pops of color show from underneath her shirt or the way the sleeves seem too tight against her biceps as she grips the strap of her backpack.

"Hey there..." Natasha greets you with a smile, head pointing down as she stills before you. "Been a few days, haven't heard from you," she adds, her eyes baring into yours. You want to slap yourself for not replying to her text by the almost hurt look in her eyes.

"Well it hasn't even been a week, you miss me already?" You ask her with a little tilt of your head up at her, biting your lip as you see a blush spread across her cheeks. Her hand moves to the side of her neck, scratching at the ink awkwardly.

"No, no. Wait, I mean -" She lets out a sigh and shakes her head as you giggle at her. It was interesting, the difference in her appearance verses this nervous demeanor. "Maybe I did?" Natasha raises an eyebrow, the silver ring lifting higher.

"I might have missed you too," you shrug casually and watch as her face eases back into a smile. "I'm sorry I haven't texted, I've just been so busy with school and work." You point to the classroom next to you that Kate had entered. She follows the direction and nods.

"No worries, you're a busy lady. I actually took Mr. Furys class last year. Maybe I could take you for a coffee and give you some tips? Or maybe just um, talk?" Natasha asks, her tone quiet as she looks down to you.

You smile at the sincerity in her eyes. "I'm free after this class?" You take a step back, towards the room and match the wide smile on her lips.

"Sounds perfect," Natasha nods, and you can't ignore the way your heart speeds up in your chest. Instead of taking another step away you walk forward, leaning up on your tip toes to press a soft kiss to her cheek.

Natasha can feel the burn on her cheeks, the affect you had on her drove her wild. You lean back and smile at her flustered state, leaving her alone in the now empty hallway.

An hour and a half later, you emerge from the classroom, the butterflies in your stomach fluttering around at the sight of Natasha sitting on the floor. She had a book in her hand, closing it the moment she saw you and Kate walking towards her.

"Have you been sitting there this whole time?" You ask and tilt your head, watching the way her muscles flex as she runs a hand through her auburn hair.

"Uh, maybe?" A small blush hints on her cheeks, and she smiles at you and your friend. "I'm Natasha, by the way," she says and holds out her hand in front of Kate.

Kate chuckles at the formality, and you hit her arm, giving her a look. She shakes Natashas hand, "Kate... nice to finally meet you," She smiles back and looks next to her at you. "I'll see you tomorrow night, you should invite your friend."

You roll your eyes at Kates tease but nod and tell her you'll see her later.

"Coffee?" Natasha asks, and the ridiculous grin on her face is enough for you to agree to just about anything.

As you walk side by side, you can't help but admire her gentle personality. This woman, covered in tattoos and piercings with an intimidating gaze, was the complete opposite. She spoke to you about her schedule and that she was in school for sports medicine with a glint in her eyes.

"Like physical therapy?" You ask her curiously. You watched the way her face lit up at your interest, and she beamed down to you.

"Yeah, exactly that. If all else fails, I'll just be a personal trainer," she lets out a small chuckle, and you take the second she holds the door open for you to admire her toned body.

"How do I sign up? I need a good workout partner," you say with a flirtatious tone, brushing against her as you walk inside. You relish the blush on her cheeks and the small smirk on her lips as the smell of fresh coffee hits you.

"Didn't get a good enough workout last week?" Natasha replies.

"Oh, I had a great workout... but if I had a personal trainer, I'm sure I could get a good workout in at least a few times a week. Isn't that recommended?" You look up to her, seeing her neck redden and her eyes darken.

"I would definitely recommend that," Natasha mumbles as the two of you walk up to the counter.

As Natasha orders, you can't help but notice the change in her posture and attitude. Suddenly, she was standing straight, an impassive and series look on her face. Her tone was low as she talked to the woman at the counter. Natasha turns to you and nods for you to order. You do, and as she hands the woman her card, you smile up at her.

"Thank you for getting this for me," you say gratefully, watching her melt under your gaze. The smile was back, and her eyes came to life again. It seemed she had a soft spot for you.

"Of course, it's my treat," she says and walks you to a small table in the corner.

From there, you spend the entire rest of the evening actually talking and getting to know Natasha. As you already knew, she works out religiously, and you told her how lucky you felt that she had skipped her workout today just to sit down with you. She got her first tattoo at 18 and loved it, so she just never stopped getting them. The first piercing she got was on her eyebrow, and the same there, she just kept going.

It felt as if you were sitting in front of a whole new person than the one you met just weeks ago. The one who pile drived you into the mattress at a party and left you weak in the legs and sore the next day. Natasha was kind and sweet, funny, and surprisingly shy. Any time you made an attempt to flirt or give an innuendo, she would chuckle shyly and blush the slightest.

There were a few times you even had to squeeze your thighs as you thought back to that night. Any time her tongue would wet her lower lip or her eyes would travel to your neck. She loved your neck, you noticed. Every time you had hooked up her lips would go straight for the skin there, nipping at the few small freckles that adorned the area.

"That's a long time to be friends with someone," Natasha states as you finish telling her about yours and Kates relationship. Best friends since the fourth grade, completely inseparable.

"It's nice to have someone so close, who knows me so well. Especially since I'm an only child," you reply and watch her brow lift.

"Oh really? I have a sister, Yelena. She bugs the hell out of me, but I love her to death. She goes to the college just a couple of hours from here. Actually," Natasha looks at her phone, checking the time. "I'm supposed to meet her soon... she came home for the weekend."

You nod slowly and look around, realizing everyone had left and the two baristas were cleaning up. As the two of you stand, Natasha suddenly towering over at you, you feel a little disappointment in your chest. You were having more fun with her than you thought, and you found yourself not wanting to part.

"Hey, Kate and I are going to this bar tomorrow night. A few of our friends are getting together. Joes?" You say to her, smiling to yourself as she once again holds the door open for you.

"Yeah, I've been there a few times before," Natasha says with a grin, standing outside the coffee shop with you.

"If you want, maybe you and Yelena can meet us? You don't have to, of course, but..." You trail off.

"I will definitely be there. Text me a time?" She asks, and you nod happily. Natasha leans down, and you think for a second she's going to kiss you, but her lips land on the soft skin of your cheek. You put your hand on her arm as she does, feeling the tattooed skin burn underneath your touch.

****

Joes Bar is crowded, but that's to be expected on a Saturday night near a college campus. A local alternative band plays loudly on the small stage on one side of the room, and you find yourself on the opposite side sitting at the bar. Kate is nearby talking to friends and a few strangers, but you only had one person in mind.

You glance at your phone again, seeing no notifications. With a sigh, you finish your second drink, ordering a third as you contemplated the possibility she wasn't going to show up. This is why you didn't do this type of thing. You don't hook up with hot strangers. You don't get coffee with gorgeous, sweet women. You stayed to yourself, guarded your heart, and let yourself be safe from any type of rejection or heartbreak.

But God Natasha was worth breaking your rules.

You found your way back to reality as the bartender handed you a drink and said thank you before grabbing it and removing yourself from the bar stool. As you turn, you bump into someone, almost spilling your drink on them.

"Oh shit I'm so sorry!" You apologize, shaking the liquor off your hand as you had spilled a little on yourself.

"It's okay, I was just trying to squeeze in next to you," the woman says, and in your tipsy state, you raise an eyebrow. She seemed about your age, dirty blonde hair, and a familiar grin on her lips. You definitely hadn't seen her in here before.

"I was just getting up, actually. You can have my seat. Is that an accent I hear?" You ask curiously, moving out of the way so she could take your place.

"Yeah, I still have a bit of an accent, I was born in Russia. Lived there for a while," she says and nods. She then orders two drinks before turning back to you.

"Wow, you're a long way from there. You go to school here?" You ask her and sip your drink, feeling Kate stand behind you.

"No, but my sister does, though," the blonde smiles and grabs the two bottles of beer from the bartender. She looks at you and extends her arm towards Kate to hand her a bottle. You give her a confused look.

It's only then you realize, as an inked hand reaches over you to take the beer, that it's not Kate standing there, but Natasha. You turn instantly and look up, a habit your neck was quickly getting used to doing.

"Well, well, look who showed up," you say and take your bottom lip between your teeth. Natasha smiles at your words, noticing the way you take in her appearance.

If it was possible, Natasha looked hotter than ever. She wore a black t shirt underneath a leather jacket. Her flaming hair was behind her in a braid with a few loose strands framing her face.

"I see you've met my sister, Yelena," Natasha chuckles and nods in the direction of the blonde woman.

"Nice to meet you, Y/N. Natty here hasn't been able to shut up abou-" Yelena is cut off by Natasha flicking the bottle cap at her face, a stern expression on the older woman's face.

You smile at the siblings' banter, watching Yelena laugh and shrug innocently. Whether it be the alcohol flowing in your bloodstream or the way Natasha looked at you, you slide your hand into hers. She tenses at first, not used to the public display of affection from you, but quickly relaxes as you intertwine your fingers with hers.

"Come on, come meet everyone," you say and tug on her hand in the direction of Kate.

You find them huddled around a pool table, watching as Kate lines up the pool tip to the cue ball with one eye closed. Carol stands leaning against her own stick, shaking her head and putting out the cigarette she smokes into the ashtray on the edge of the table.

"Anyday, Bishop..." Carol groans, earning a laugh from the group.

"Seriously, how long are you going to take?" Peter chimes in.

Kate ignores them and continues to stare intensely at the 8 ball. Her arm begins to pull back to take the shot, but as Yelena comes into focus on the opposite side of the table, Kate is finally distracted by the beautiful blonde. The cue ball misses her target completely, rolling across the table and sinking into the pocket.

"Scratch!" Carol cheers and high fives Monica. Kate looked up at Yelena, her lips parted as if she was going to speak, but no words came out. Carol then steps up to the table and sinks the 8 ball, ending the game with a dramatic bow.

You smile at the group, raising an eyebrow at the silent state of your best friend. "Guys, this is Natasha and her sister Yelena," you say, receiving waves and friendly greetings from everyone. You introduce them to the Romanoffs a little more before they rack up for another game.

"You any good?" Carol nods to Natasha, who gives a humble shrug.

"I'm decent," she replies with a smirk on her face as she brings the bottle to her lips. Carol hands the pool stick over before going to get drinks for the group.

"Hope you're good, Romanoff. We still haven't beat Y/N," Peter says begrudgingly. You only hum in response as Kate hands you her stick, positioning yourself across the table.

"Is that so?" Natasha watches with playful eyes as you skillfully break, the balls rolling in different directions along the table and a few of them sinking into the pockets.

When you lean up, you smile and reach your hand up to pat her cheek. "Good thing you didn't bet anything," you chuckle.

After a few back and forth turns, Carol returns with shots, to which you all cheer and take at the same time. The alcohol was definitely settling its way into your system now, and you were hot to the touch each time Natasha had to lean down to take her shot. Between the focused look on her face and the way the pool stick slid between her fingers, it was enough for you to want her right there.

You step forward next to her, looking at the direction of the shot she was trying to take. "That's a tough one, baby," you say to her, the term of endearment catching Natasha off guard.

Her body visibly tenses as she looks to you with a visceral reaction and swallows hard. You feign an innocent smile, taking a mental note to call her that again just to see her reaction. Natasha misses the shot and curses under her breath.

"That's not fair," she says and shakes her head as she stands tall. The red head removes her jacket, finding that the room was getting hotter.

You shrug and easily pocket two more balls on your turn. When you look to Kate to make a comment about the shot, you realize she's strayed from the group, chatting up Yelena. With your friends being in their own worlds at the moment, you decide to have a little fun with Natasha.

"You're not so bad, you know. The others have a hard time keeping up with me," you smile as she leans down, and your hand rests on her back, rubbing over her shirt.

"Y/n," Natasha mumbles, the blush on her cheeks evident she enjoyed your touch.

"Yes, Nat?" You pur, watching the muscles flex understand the fabric. Knowing you had this type of effect on her gave you a sense of power that only made you hungry for more. Your hand slithers underneath the bottom of her shirt, nails scratching at her back. She misses. You smile.

"You're a cheater, you know that?" Natasha says in a playful tone, her body naturally leaning towards you.

Your hands rest on her stomach, "I don't know what you're talking about." You lean up and plant a soft kiss on her lips, smirking as she leans down and melts against your mouth. "I'm just having fun," you whisper.

At that, you step away from her, crossing over to the opposite side of the table. You lean down more than you need to, and you don't miss the way Natashas eyes dart back and forth from your breasts to your neck. She finishes another bottle, and you can tell you've stressed her out by the way her hand grips the glass.

You continue to do the same thing for the remainder of the game, teasing her with every shot she took and making sure to bend in front of her any chance you could. It came down to the 8 ball, and you had to admit, you were dragging the game on longer than you needed to.

"Last one," you sigh and put your hand on the back of her neck as she leans down. Your fingers squeeze gently as she clears her throat, trying to ignore the shivers that run down her spine every time you touch her. You lean down with her, your lips brushing against her ear. "Good luck, baby," you whisper and kiss her cheek.

Her neck gets red at your words, and her grip on the stick only tightens. You think it'll snap in half with how hard she holds it. Natasha quickly shoots and misses, causing you to raise an eyebrow with just how quick she took the shot. Instead of stepping back, she continues to stand pressed against the table. "All yours," she mumbles and holds her hand out to the table, shifting uncomfortably as she stands.

You line up the shot and sink the black ball easily, looking up at her with a wide smile. She only gives you a small smile back with a nod. "Aren't you going to give me a victory kiss?" You ask as you step back to her.

Natasha hesitates for a moment but finally turns to face you. Your hands move up to wrap around her neck, your body pressing against her front as she leans in. Before your lips can touch your eyes, widen the slightest. You now realize the reason for the sudden uncomfortable physical shift she had taken when you felt her bulge pressing hard against you.

"Oh... was I teasing you too much?" You ask with a smirk on your lips. She rolls her eyes and moves to pull away, but you don't let her. "What was it?" You ask her.

"What was what?" She replies, her hands moving to your waist. You press your body further into her and relish the hiss that leaves her mouth.

You search her eyes, thinking to the moment her demeanor had changed. Suddenly, there was that power-hungry feeling again when you realized the reasoning. The fact that you could get her hot and bothered by a simple word leaving your lips, by your voice alone, and the thought of you driving someone like her mad. Natasha was weak in the knees for you, and she struggled internally with the way you made her feel. She wasn't used to it.

"Why don't you let me help you take care of your little problem... baby, " you whisper to her, feeling her shoulders tense above you. "Come on." You slide back and take her hand in yours, leading her away from the pool table and towards the bathroom.

As soon as both of you are inside and you lock the door, the two of you are on top of each other just like the first night you met her. Natasha kisses you feverishly, like she'd never been kissed before, with your back hard against the door. You welcomed her tongue into your mouth, moaning as the two halves wrap around your own.

With one hand, you hold onto the front of her shirt, gripping tightly, with the other you slide it in between your bodies, letting yourself grope the hard bulge in her jeans. Natasha lets a hint of a whimper leave her lips, one you hadn't heard since the first time with her, and you smirk into the kiss.

"What's the matter, baby? Do you need some help?" You ask innocently, lips ghosting hers. She breathes heavily and nods as your hands move to undo her belt.

"Sweetheart... please," she says, and you decide in that moment that you need her to say that again. Just the idea that this strong, formidable woman could so easily melt in your presence made you thrilled.

Her hands rest on either side above your head, pressed flat against the door as you slide her pants down. You can see the precum dampening a spot on her underwear, and you feel yourself get wet at the sight of it. She needed you, bad.

"Please, what?" You ask, your hand moves to grab her through her boxers, and you stroke her length through the thin fabric.

"Fu-fuck," she barely breathes out, eyes searching yours. Natasha hadn't begged a day in her life, but she would happily beg for you. She was at the point right now that she was willing to get down on her knees and beg for you. You made her desperate.

"Please touch me, please. You feel how hard I am for you? Just -" You squeezing a little harder makes her gasp before continuing. "I need you to touch me. Please, sweetheart... please, " she begs. You smile at her words, enjoying the way her body melts at your touch and the way she begs for you.

At her words you slide down her boxers, and her cock twitches at the feeling of finally being released. She lets out a sigh of relief as your delicate fingers wrap around her. "Is this what you wanted?" You hum, beginning to move your hand up and down. Natasha nods, chest beginning to rise and fall rapidly at your movements.

When you stop, she looks at you with a disoriented look, eyebrows lifting as she watches you drop to your knees. You take her cock in your hand, letting your other rest on her thick, toned thigh. From here you can see her happy trail peaking from underneath her shirt, making your panties wetter. The way she looks down at you with a breathless expression and parted lips makes you want to live your life on your knees for her. Your lips kiss along the side of her length, teasing slowly with your tongue licking up it. Natasha groans with pleasure at the feeling and her hips instinctively buck towards you.

You give in, not wanting to tease her anymore tonight, and take her cock into your mouth. The moan that leaves her mouth is outright sinful, and her fist hits the door with a thud as you begin to bob your head. Your cheeks hollow out when you begin moving faster, taking as much of her as you could. When the tip hits the back of your throat your eyes sting, tears threatening to leave your ducts. Natasha pants heavily above you, savoring the moment of you on your knees for her, sucking her off.

"Look at you, such a pretty girl with my cock in your mouth- fuck," Natasha speaks low to you, her eyes dark as she watches her cock disappear against your lips. Your fingers on her thigh dig in, your nails digging into her skin to leave crescent shaped marks, at her words. "All night you've been teasing me... this is the only way to shut you up, isn't it?" She says and you moan against her, the vibrations sending her close to the edge.

Her breathing gets heavier and you can tell she's about to cum, but before she can you quickly remove your mouth, your saliva coating her as you release with a pop. You stand, not ignoring the frustrated look on her face.

"Baby, I think you're confused," you say, your hands moving to the top of your dress. "You're not in charge right now," You let out a small laugh and pull down on the fabric, letting your breasts spill out. Natashas face reddens in response, and she immediately moves to kiss your chest. You can feel the marks she leaves as her lips trail across your breasts, her skillful tongue pleasuring your sensitive nipples.

Natashas' large hands move to the bottom of your dress as her kisses begin to litter up your neck. You let her move the material above and over your hips, but stop her as she reaches your panties. "I wanna hear you," you mumble out. She lets out a huff and pulls away from your neck.

"Y/n... please." Natasha says. You only continue to look at her with innocent eyes. The fact that she would beg for you - is begging for you, made you feel instant gratification.

"Please, pretty girl? Please let me make you feel good. I want to fuck you, want to make you feel good so bad..." She begs, and you let her slide your panties down your legs. Natasha slides her tip between your closed thighs, her cock now being coated from the wetness that spread between your legs.

She slips in between your folds, waiting for your words. Her fingers dig into your hips. "You drive me so fucking insane," Natasha whispers as her head ducks to your neck again. "I could cum from just looking at you. Just hearing you say my name. You know how much control you have over me?" Her hips continue rocking against you, your thighs squeezing her hard cock. She begins to pant again, her neck red and hot to the touch as you wrap your arms around it, interlocking your fingers behind her head.

"Please," Natasha whimpers, and the sound is enough to make you moan. You needed to feel her inside you immediately, hear more of those moans leave her lips.

"Show me how bad you want me, how insane I make you feel," you finally say and lean forward to bite her lower lip. She wastes no time lifting you up, helping you wrap your legs around her hips. Your back presses against the door again and with one hand she guides her cock inside of your warm velvet walls, easily ,with how wet you were for her.

Natasha begins to thrust up into you, a feeling you had become accustomed to these past few weeks, although you weren't sure you'd ever get used to her size. She groans against your chest, nipping at the skin. The small bathroom fills with the sounds of her pounding into you, both of you moaning practically in sync with every thrust.

"So good, pretty girl, feel so good wrapped around my cock. I love fucking this pretty pussy," she breathes heavy against your skin as she speaks. You hold on tightly to her, only breathless moans escape your lips in response.

Suddenly, from the outside, someone bangs on the door, Natasha doesn't halt her descent on you. "Can you hurry the fuck up in there?" A stranger yells from the other side. Your eyes widen, a little bit of adrenaline rushing into your chest as she continues fucking into you.

Natasha smiles, now at your flustered state. "Occupied," is all she replies before her thrust picks up the pace. "You better keep quiet, sweetheart. You don't want everyone to know how much of a slut you are for me, letting me fuck you in the bathroom."

You squeeze your eyes closed as she fucks herself into you, trying your best to keep quiet. Each thrust was now hitting that special spot inside of you and drawing you closer to an orgasm. The feeling of her muscles flexing around you only intensified that feeling.

"Fuck I-I can't I'm-" Natasha stutters out as she groans into your neck, feeling your hot cunt tighten around her cock.

"Me too, Nat," you moan along with her, and your legs squeeze around her waist. "Let go, baby... wanna feel you fill me up." You watch her face twist in pleasure at your words, and the fact that it was enough to make her cum only added to your ego in the moment. Natasha grunts against your skin as she does just what you say, filling you up completely.

The sensation alone is enough to make you follow right behind her, the burn in your lower stomach blazing as you scream out her name.

"That's it, sweetheart, that's it... such a good girl for me," she coos as you fall apart in her arms, kissing your face as you breathe heavily. Your head falls against her shoulder, face panting in the crook of her neck as she holds you tightly, letting you come down off your high.

After a few moments she pulls out slowly, and you can feel the mixture of both your arousal dripping down your thighs. Natasha carries you to the sink, letting you rest on the hard surface while she pulls her pants back up and you fix the top of your dress.

"Hi," she says with a smile. You giggle, remembering she said the same thing afterward on the first night at her party.

"Hi," is all you reply, grabbing her shirt in your hand and pulling her closer to kiss you again.

****

"They have eight legs and eight eyes. How are they not scary?" Peter drunkenly speaks to Monica, who sits next to him with an amused look.

After your time in the bathroom with Natasha, the two of you had rejoined the group, and over the course of two hours, you had become increasingly wasted with the rest of your friends. As Yelena joined in on the topic of spiders, you feel Natasha rest her head back against your front.

She sat slouched back in one of the chairs that scattered near the table while you stood behind her, hands stroking her neck and massaging her shoulders. You can't help but smile down at her.

"You're so cute," you giggle and watch her brow raise. Your finger traces the dark lines on her neck.

"Anything but cute," Natasha groans, with a playful smirk on her face. "Why do you say that?"

"You're different than you look, you know? Why are you so nervous around me?" Your words slur, and she chuckles at your drunken state with a shrug, looking at the beer bottle she held in her hand.

"Must be the alcohol?" She says. You shake your head and poke her nose.

"You were drinking when I first met you, and you weren't like this," you point out and watch her swallow. You decide to move in front of her, settling yourself between her muscled thighs. As you stand in front of her, she sits up straighter, the two of you now practically the same height.

You take her hand in yours, playing with her fingers. She smiles a little as she looks at your intertwined hands.

"Maybe I was drinking that night to get enough courage to talk to you... and maybe I- maybe I'm drinking tonight to get enough courage to say I want more with you. More than... the hookups," she says and finally looks back up at you. Your heart races in your chest at her words, panic written on your face as you freeze in front of her.

That was exactly what you wanted. More of her, more of this beautiful person who was even more beautiful inside. To get to know what makes her really tick, what makes her happy, how her day was, how she likes her coffee. She wanted more, too, so why were you not speaking out loud?

"What?" Is all that comes out of your mouth.

Natashas face falls completely, misinterpreting your flustered state for a sign of rejection. She had hoped this wouldn't happen. Part of her wondered if this had just been a hook up, but the other part of her desperately hoped it wasn't.

Before the words could leave your parted lips, Kate calls over to you, taking the attention of both you and Natasha.

"Y/N, you ready to go? You can stay if you want, I'm gonna take Pete home, though," she nods to the direction of where he sat drunk rambling to Yelena.

"No, not -"

"Actually, Yelena and I have a lot to do tomorrow. We should head out too," Natasha interrupts you and stands, her hand moving to your lower back as you stare up at her with a pout.

"Are you sure?" You ask her, your hand reaching out to her side. She tenses under your grasp.

"Yeah, I'll text you later," She smiles at you, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes this time.

You nod anyways and smile back, leaning up to kiss her lips softly. "Thank you for tonight.. Hopefully, we can do it again soon?"

And while you were talking about hanging out with her, Natasha assumes you were talking about her fucking you.

"Yeah, soon," she lets out a breath and grabs her jacket, not taking a second look back at you as her and Yelena exit the bar.

***

A smile fills your face as your head hits the pillow, the soft comforter pulled over you as you lie on your warm bed and mull over tonights events. You wondered why Natasha had left in such a hurry before you could say anything, but you decided not to think too hard on it. She probably did have to go. It was early in the morning by the time you left, and besides, you would hear from her later.

Every morning, she texted you a quick and sweet text, telling you to have a good day.

Your chest swelled at the thought of it, how sweet it was that such a small, simple thing could brighten your entire day. What you assumed would happen tomorrow is that the two of you would talk about wanting more and how desperately you agreed with her about it.

But when the late morning came and the sunshine streamed through the windows, no text came with it.

[puck-luck]

code-breaker | jack hughes

warnings: pining!, unprotected p in v, lots of miscommunication but it is resolved duh, lmao uhhhhh jack fucking his best friend's sister maybe? kind of a big plot point fasho, a lame excuse for a squirt, cum on da body (chest), eating come, lots of banter, tiny TINY bit of angst and insecurity on fem!reader's part pairing: jack hughes x zegras!reader request: cappy's "sister of the best friend, lake house, etc. sister makes the first move and the guy tries to turn her down out of loyalty to the other boy and she gets a little hurt and insecure thinking he's rejecting her and she's like "am i really that bad?" with her voice craking and he's like fuck then... smut!" wc: 4327

Jack is here. 

Jack, who you’ve been in love with since your twin brother started hanging out with him when they were in NTDP together. Jack, the New Jersey Devils’ prized star, the number one pick. Jack, the most annoying and most attractive brother of the esteemed Hughes family from Michigan. Yes, that Jack is here– ‘here’ being your apartment that you share with your brother in Anaheim now that Jamie has moved out and away.

Jack is here. You are here. Trevor is not.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” you tell him awkwardly, still holding the door open and blocking the doorway. You’re all too aware of your lazy, solo-movie-night outfit as you stand in front of him. You’re clad only in a big shirt, one that normally reaches the middle of your thighs but has ridden up since your hands are raised and resting against the doorframe, and your favorite pair of panties. You did laundry earlier and showered, your big exciting thing of the day being that you could but on your favorite underwear and be lazy as soon as you finished the chore of folding your clothes. “Trevor’s in New York right now.”

“I know,” Jack says, a hand on his suitcase. The other is clenched by his side. “I have a meeting in LA tomorrow so he said I could stay here while he was gone.”

“Oh,” you reply, feeling silly. It would’ve been nice if your brother had told you that Jack was coming and staying here while he was gone, considering you’d made plans to be alone all night tonight. Trevor always does shit like this– he makes plans and then forgets to tell you until someone shows up or he has to leave to meet them. It’s frustrating. “Come on in, then.”

You move to the side, gesturing for Jack to enter the apartment, and he does. His suitcase rolls in behind him, just a little carry on, and he leaves it beside the door where he kicks off his shoes. 

Your hands make their way to the hem of your t-shirt, tugging at it. “I’ll, uh, go change into something more–”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Jack interrupts, waving you off. He clears his throat. “You don’t have to change on my account. I’m interrupting your night of–” 

He looks to the couch and the coffee table, littered with a bowl of popcorn and a bottle of wine that you had been drinking out of, straight from the spout. Your movie is paused on the screen, a silly Disney Channel movie that had come out when you and Trevor were children and still hadn’t lost its touch yet. You’re hoping that Jack doesn’t recognize the screencap, but Mel’s Lemonade machine fills the screen and if he’s seen Lemonade Mouth at all, he’ll know what movie you’re watching.

“Disney Channel and wine,” Jack finishes, pinching his lips to hide the amusement in his voice.

You frown, even though you want to burst into laughter with him. It is silly, what you’re doing, but you were supposed to be alone and who are you to be ashamed of your guilty pleasures?

“Don’t make fun,” you admonish, crossing your arms with a pout. “I thought I had the apartment to myself.”

“I’m not making fun!” Jack denies, holding his hands up in surrender. “I think it’s nice that you’re having a me-party.”

He’s referencing the other time he’s interrupted when you’re having a movie night on your own, when you watched The Muppets (2011) at the lake house because the boys were out on the boat and you had gotten a nasty sunburn the day before, so you’d stayed in. Jack had come back early because he was hungry, making the boys drop him off at the dock before going back out, and caught you red-handed with his favorite kind of pretzels and a half-full bottle of margarita next to the blender. 

You blush, glaring at him slightly. “Shut up, Jack.”

“No, this is perfect,” Jack continues, glowing a little as his shit-eating smile builds. He walks over to the couch and plops down, grabbing the bottle of wine and taking a swig before wiping his mouth. “I’m already dressed for a lazy night in, I shouldn’t waste it.”

You roll your eyes. “You’re such a dick,” you complain. “You know you don’t want to watch this movie with me.”

“Why not?” He challenges, another tilt of the bottle pouring the fruity liquid down his throat. He spreads his legs when he sits as all the boys do, taking up as much space as he can. 

“Because you won’t like it,” you say. “And because I wasn’t planning on having you here.”

“Were you planning on having someone else here?” Jack teases. “Popcorn, red wine, a movie, no pants… I think I see the writing on the wall.”

“No, God, shut up, Jack!” You repeat with a huff, returning to the couch and curling up against the opposite arm, far away from the boy. “Just be quiet while I watch my movie. If you’re good, I’ll let you have some popcorn.”

Jack wiggles his eyebrows at you, sticking out his tongue. You pull at the bottom of your shirt again, making sure that your panties aren’t visible when he looks over. This is already humiliating enough– you don’t need your long-time crush seeing your underwear, too.

You hit play and turn the volume up loud enough to drown out any comments Jack might make. You’re lucky the movie is short, because he’s an antsy boy who loves to talk, just like your brother, and you can tell that he’s anxious to start another conversation.

As the credits roll, you mute the television and turn to him. “What?” You demand, sitting in criss-cross-applesauce and shoving your hands into your lap to stretch your shirt over the space between your legs. 

“You really didn’t have plans tonight?” Jack asks. “It’s a Saturday night and you live in LA. You’re in your twenties. You didn’t want to have anyone over?”

You flush, but it’s less out of embarrassment and more out of anger. “Judgemental much, Hughes? Not all of us have people throwing themselves at our feet any given day of the week.” You grind your teeth, clenching your jaw and taking a deep breath. You stare at him, refusing to break eye contact. Jack shouldn’t be allowed to form opinions on your life. You know exactly what he’s insinuating– why aren’t you out there getting laid, Y/N? and it’s frustrating because it’s the same question you ask yourself whenever your friends text about their recent hookups or whenever Trevor brings a girl back to the apartment. 

More than anything, you don’t want Jack judging you. You know that your Saturday night plans are lame, but that’s why you wanted to be alone. 

Jack falls quieter, your reaction diluting his crooked, toothy smirk that he reserves for the people he knows well. “I’m surprised you don’t have– people. Throwing themselves at you.”

He’s awkward when he says it, too awkward not to make you suspicious.

He’s avoiding eye contact, picking at his nailbeds. 

“Would you?” You ask, directly to the point. You’re making a point, too– you’ve known Jack for years and he has never, not once, implied that he thinks you’re desirable. 

Jack says nothing, running his fingers through his hair and looking down. 

You nod to yourself and stand from the couch, still tugging at your shirt. You’re pulling it even lower now, the neckline dipping and stretching as you cover your legs up as best you can. “That’s what I thought,” you say quietly, a cold feeling washing through your chest and pressing down on the skin that your heart beats beneath. 

“I would,” Jack calls, just as you walk away. You’re positioned right in front of the door that leads to your bedroom when he says it, head hanging towards the ground so that he doesn’t see the frown on your face. 

His silence was a rejection and his afterthought is even worse. Nonetheless, you turn to face him. This time, it’s your silence that rings throughout the space.

“I would,” Jack repeats. “If, y’know. You weren’t–”

“Trevor’s sister,” You say, filling in the blanks and finishing his sentence. You nod, a tight, close-lipped, and pointed smile on your face. “You don’t have to explain, Jack. I realized a long time ago that my world would always revolve around Trevor.” Your hand is on the doorknob now, twisting it and cracking your door open. Your bed is right there and you can collapse into it in mere seconds, able to let your tears leak into your pillow silently as you remind yourself that you’re not as good as your twin brother once again, just as soon as you get these words out. “I know I can’t do or say the things I want to with the people I want to because they’re always thinking about Trevor.”

You could add, And why would you be any different? You know him best. Of course he’s the one you’re loyal to, but you decide against it. It’s too petty. It’s too mean. It’s too– real. 

You look at him one last time to bid him goodnight, already craving the following day when his meeting is over and he heads back to Michigan, far away from you and your un-desirability. The tight smile returns to your face, trying to smooth out your upset yet resigned features. It’s always the same thing. It’s not Jack’s fault, really, it’s not. You’ve imagined this conversation in your head many times and each time you think rationally, you know that this is how it has to be.

He’s Jack Hughes, for God’s sake. You’re just Trevor Zegras’ less successful, lesser known twin sister.

“Trevor would kill me,” Jack says on a whim. “Really. He would. He would stand me up and punch me, right here.”

You’ve got one foot in your bedroom and one foot out. Despite the ice piercing through your chest, you can’t find it in yourself to be rude and close the door on him. You turn to face Jack again.

He’s sitting forward on the couch, hands clasped in front of him like a prayer. He moves them when he talks, lowering them and spreading them and gesturing with them. He’s always done that, ever since you’ve known him– it’s another way that he calls attention to himself and takes up space. It’s part of the reason why he’s so charming– he knows how to use his hands, how to touch someone to politely get them to move or to pull them closer or to playfully shoo them away. 

“If I had a sister, I’d do the same thing to him,” Jack continues. “It’s just– we can’t go for each others’ family. It’s against the code.”

You nod, slowly, exaggeratedly just to show him how nonsensical that sounds. “You realize it’s not up to Trevor to decide who you go out with,” you say. “That’s kind of your choice, Jack.”

“It’s not that simple.”

You shrug, then look away. Outside the living room window is a dark night, leaves blowing with the wind. 

“It could be,” you say after a moment. You’re not surprised to hear how resigned you sound. You learned to live with this a long time ago, so you know that pointing out how easily things could change is futile. You say it anyway. “If you wanted it to be. But, I get it. I’m your best friend’s sister. Maybe if I wasn’t, you’d consider–”

“I have considered,” Jack interrupts. “I’ve– well, you’ve seen it. All the guys have.”

You’re lost. It’s like he’s speaking in code. “I’ve seen what?” You ask, monotonous and silently yearning for your bed. Your patience is growing thin.

“You can’t be serious,” Jack responds with a laugh. He buries his face in his hands, muffling the noise. “Are you?”

“I’ve seen what,” you repeat, straight-faced and not entertaining this sudden bout of humor from the brunet boy.

“How I look at you when you’re in those tiny little swimsuits on the boat, or how I laugh when you make one of your stupid jokes that aren’t funny to anyone but you and Trevor,” Jack says. “You really never noticed?”

Now he’s just dangling your hopeless crush in front of you. You assumed he had noticed sometime over the years, but this is overkill. He’s never felt the same– that much is clear. It’s cruel that he thinks he can lead you to believe otherwise as a means to further tease you for being alone tonight.

You shake your head. “I never noticed because you never did any of those things, Jack. You’re just saying that to say it.”

He’s up in a flash, coming towards you and placing a hand flat on your bedroom door to prevent you from closing it and ending the conversation. “I can’t believe you don’t believe me,” Jack says.

“I don’t think it’s funny that you’re making fun of the little crush I’ve had on you since we were kids. You don’t feel the same way and I’m not an idiot.” You move to close the door again, but Jack pushes it open again. 

“You– I’m not making fun,” Jack stammers out, looking surprised. He leans forward, narrowing his eyes. “You have a crush on me?”

Your jaw drops and your face flames with humiliation. You thought he knew that you liked him and that he was making fun on purpose– and now you’ve accidentally revealed your massive, well-kept secret to his face. This was never supposed to happen. “You didn’t know?” You hiss, covering the lower half of your face with your hands. 

“You have a crush on me,” Jack repeats, a smile spreading across his face. He steps closer, prompting you to back away.

“No. No,” you moan out, feeling positively ashamed and destroyed. Tonight is not turning out as you hoped it would.

Jack’s still smiling, closing your bedroom door softly behind him as he follows you into your room. 

You knock into the edge of your bed and sit, sinking into the mattress. Your hands are still pressed over your mouth as Jack kneels in front of you, prying your hands away from your face and holding them gently. 

“You have a crush on me,” Jack says for a third time, his voice soft and subtly optimistic. The corner of his mouth curves up into the tiniest of smirks and you swear your face couldn’t get any more red.

All you can give him is a frown and a devastated wobble of your bottom lip. 

“Well, this changes everything,” Jack says, regaining his ability to joke, it seems. His next question is rhetorical and makes you swallow hard. “Who gives a fuck about Trevor when you feel the same way I do?” 

“You’re– you’re serious,” you say, still a thread of disbelief sewn into your words. “You weren’t kidding. You actually– thought about it.”

“Thought about it?” Jack asks. “Fuck, Y/N, I almost told you right before you left last summer, but then you said you were talking to that guy.”

You roll your eyes– that guy had only been in your life for about a month and you had only mentioned him because Jack had mentioned a girl he wanted to see. You tell him such– “I only brought him up because everyone was talking about their romantic interests and who they were interested in, I didn’t want to seem like a loser. You had some girl, too, Jack.”

“Some girl– that was you,” Jack reveals incredulously. “I thought I was being so obvious.”

“You weren’t obvious at all!” You deny, mouth open in a scoff. 

“I thought that you mentioning that guy was your way of letting me down easy!”

“Yes, Jack, because I was going to reveal my feelings for you in a room full of both of our brothers. Good idea. You fucking idiot!”

Jack laughs aloud, throwing his head back. His face scrunches up and he smooths his face with his big palm at the end of his amusement. He fixes you with a look of glee and astonishment– something only hindsight can bring to his expression. “We’re so fucking stupid.”

You shake your head, laughing with him for a moment before he swipes a thumb over your cheek, which stills you. 

“Fuck,” he sighs, smile still gracing his face. “I can’t believe–”

“Me neither,” you say.

“Can I–”

“Absolutely.”

Jack’s rising up, kissing you and laying you back on the bed so that he can completely cover your body with his own. One of his hands cups your cheek, while the other grips your hip, atop your underwear but underneath the big t-shirt that is now riding up your body as you move. Your hand is on his bicep and his chest, clutching his sweatshirt. The strings dangle down into your space, brushing against your clothes and tickling you.

His hands memorize you like a topographic map, clutching at your dips and curves and anything else he can get his hands on. 

“Wanna take this off,” You mumble against Jack’s mouth, tugging at the collar of his sweatshirt.

Jack pulls back immediately, reaching behind his neck to grab the collar of his top and bring it above his head. He balls it up and drops it somewhere on the floor. 

“That, too,” you tell him, about his t-shirt, before he can bend back down and kiss you senseless again.

Jack chuckles and pulls it off, too, leaving him half-naked just like you. His chest is tanned and swollen from his recent workouts in Michigan since his shoulder surgery, something that Trevor had told you about but about which you’d never checked in. You’re gentler on that side of his body, especially as he comes back down into your space and you get to touch him. You run your hands over his muscles. You feel out the ridges of his body, trying to match his own confident movements as he feels you up.

One of your hands makes its way to his v-line, something you’d seen over plenty of boat trips. You’d always wanted the opportunity to touch it, to trace it, to watch it bend and flex as he rolled his hips. You’re being afforded that opportunity now and it is sweet.

“I thought you might like that,” Jack murmurs. “Caught you staring once. Was the same day you wore my favorite red swimsuit out.”

“I still have it,” you tell him, gasping a little when his hand slides up to your chest. He tweaks your nipple, then his hand retreats. 

“Mm, a treat for tomorrow,” Jack says. “I’m gonna have you walking around in that thing all day just so I can look at you. For now…”

He trails off, pushing the bottom of your shirt up and leaving your lips to attach his to the freshly revealed skin of your torso. He kisses up your body with each inch he reveals, between your breasts and up your neck. He pulls your shirt off, letting it join his own on the floor, and gets his first proper look at your tits.

“Been waiting to see these,” he continues, eyes fixed on your chest like he’s being hypnotized. He places his hands on you and squeezes, feeling your supple flesh between his fingers. You moan out at the sensation, the noise spurring him on. “Wanna know a secret?”

“Yeah,” you agree, nodding and tugging at his joggers, hoping he’ll get the hint and remove them.

“‘ve wanted to come on these tits since I first saw it in a porno,” Jack reveals, still mesmerized by your chest. “Thought about it a hundred times.”

You can’t help but laugh. “Come on my tits all you want, but you have to fuck me first.”

“Guess your Saturday night wasn’t so boring after all,” Jack says before he stands from the bed and tugs his pants off. He joins you again, wrapping your legs around his waist and kissing over your face. He grinds against you, his clothed cock sliding against your damp panties in a way that has you both keening into each others’ mouths. 

“Guess not,” is your reply, cut short by another moan when Jack’s hand claims your chest again.

You move without speaking after that, fueled only by the desire coursing through your veins after years of pining and aching for the other. 

Jack feels you out and eventually discards his own underwear before removing yours, returning to the missionary position that you had assumed as soon as you had first kissed. It’s sweeter this way– and you both need to see the other’s face, to feel their breath mix with your own. Your chests are flush together, your nipples scraping against the defined and broad swoops of his skin. You grind against each other for a few minutes more, his dick sliding between the wet lips of your pussy with nothing blocking it. He groans into your ear as your juices coat his length, eyes closed in a grimace that is completely charged by his pleasure.

“Condom?” is the last thing he asks, with you shaking your head and replying, “Pill.”

He lines himself up, mouth agape with a choked breath as he thrusts into your tight, wet heat. Your head finds the mattress beneath you, your back arching up as he fills you. You can feel his veins sliding against your walls, the blunt and weeping tip of his cock poking at your deepest parts.

He moves like a man possessed and fighting the beast– like he wants to let loose but at the same time, restraining himself. When you tug on his hair, the subtle waves that he’s been growing out over the summer and hiding beneath his hat in every picture you’ve seen, and whine out his name, Jack’s control vanishes.

He starts to piston his hips into your cunt, burying his face into your neck and letting out ecstasy-fueled whimpers each time you clench down. He curses in your ear, voice a little higher than it normally is, and the intimacy and vulnerability of the moment has your heart clenching. 

“J– J–” You chant, mewling as his cockhead drives against the back wall of your pussy in hard thrusts that make your head spin. 

“So good,” he grits out, kissing over your neck and catching your earlobe between his lips for a moment before dropping it. One of his hands is splayed over your hip, the other securely planted next to your head. “So tight.”

“Coming,” you warn, your fingers finding his bicep and clenching, fingernails digging into his skin so much that you won’t be surprised if you break skin. Your voice is high, too, octaves higher because of the pleasure you’re experiencing.

“Fuck, yeah, baby, come on my cock,” Jack pants out, the hand from your hip coming to rub circles over your clit. 

It sends a shock up your spine and has your hips bucking up to meet his, your entire lower half shaking as your climax approaches. Your eyes roll into the back of your head and your vision goes spotty when you do come, just seconds after his groaned encouragement. Your entire body tenses, freezing with Jack still inside of you, making it damn near impossible for him to continue pumping his hips. 

He slides from your opening as you’re coming, bringing some of the slick with him in a feeble excuse for a squirt. His dick bobs, hard and an angry red that might be the most beautiful color you’ve ever seen in your hazy, post-orgasmic state.

Jack comes up to straddle your stomach, stripping his cock quickly with a tight fist, chest heaving. You know he wants to come on your chest, having already given him permission, but your mouth opens and your tongue lolls out in an invitation that Jack can’t deny. He shuffles up further on his knees, his whimper sounding pained as his milky cum spurts from the tip of his cock and lands along the flat of your tongue and your lips.

His spurts grow weaker, although he’s still stroking his dick in a fervorous pace, whining a little more at the oversensitivity. His cum makes his way to your chest, just dripping down the length of his shaft and pooling over your tits. 

You reach up with one hand and trace your fingers through the seed, causing Jack to sway a little on top of you at the sight. His cheeks are flushed and pink, eyes blue and clear like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. Your fingertips brush your nipple, spreading the cum over it before you bring your hand up to your mouth and suck the remaining liquid off of your skin, swallowing it with a hum.

Jack is off of you in a flash, pulling you on top of his lap and joining your lips. The last of his cum, painted across your tongue in a thin layer, mixes with your spit as he kisses you. He’s desperate, filling your mouth with his tongue until you can barely breathe, tasting himself on you until it’s indistinguishable– where you end and he begins.

It takes a long time for Jack to finally pull away, for you both to come down from your highs and take a breath.

In typical Jack fashion, he can’t stop himself from joking around.

“Trevor’s really going to kill me now,” he says. “There’s a chance he’ll never let us be in the same room again.”

You laugh, knowing already that neither of you will be willing to let this– whatever this is– go just because your brother has something to say about it. “In that case, we’ll just have to sneak away.”

notes: I WANTED TO NAME THIS "BFB" AFTER THE VICTORIOUS SONG SOOOOOO BAD!!!!! but alas. it's best friend's sister. maybe some other time. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. well now wait that's a good idea...

[dollyyun]

DEVIL'S KNIGHTS' PREY ✧ SERIES MASTERLIST

PAIRING ✧ enha hyung line x fem!reader GENRE ✧ 18+(mdni), reverse harem, eventual poly, romance, morally grey characters, semi-college au, eventual adulthood, dark themes, strangers/friends to lovers, obsessive male leads (borderline psychos but we love them) GENERAL WARNING ✧ religious themes, good girl!fem reader, tensions, angsts, toxicity, explicit themes, profanities, corruption, perversion, usage of weapons, violence, blood, graphic descriptions, traumas, dramas, misunderstanding and miscommunication, tragedy, other k-idols appearances, smuts (warnings will be indicated under cut on each part) DISCLAIMER ✧ this fic is inspired by devil's night series written by penelope douglas but with an entirely different plot. CREDIT ✧ main top banner by @chaconnenha <3

✧ SUMMARY ✧

the four devil's knights' leaders ─ just by hearing their moniker gives you the unpleasant shivers because you know fully well that they are bad news, but you have nothing to worry about as you don't intend to be involved with the likes of them, or so you thought.

your first mistake was attending the renowned Halloween party that happens every year, which is hosted by the corrupted fraternity of Devil's Knights, because from the moment you ignorantly stepped into the zone where danger persisted, your life was never going to be the same, not especially when you became their target as they hunted you down, giving you a night to remember that was either memorable or traumatising. you thought that it was over? wrong again.

despite the hidden agenda under their sleeves, the four devil's knights' leaders cannot deny the magnetic attraction towards you, eventually developing the mutual obsession over you, desiring you all to themselves.

there is a saying that light is drawn to darkness, and that describes your predicament perfectly. you know that they are bad for your pure heart, but your desire outweighs the warnings your angels are telling you. the more you are caught up in the tangled web of attraction, lust, and perhaps love, the more addicted you are as you find yourself craving their attention and affection, even the scraps of it. unfortunately, being involved with the darkness means your light will be diminished, eventually facing the inevitable heartbreak.

MOODBOARDS ✧ DEVIL'S NIGHT | HEESEUNG | JAY | JAKE | SUNGHOON | DILFS |

ORIGINAL VERSION OF DKP SERIES

✧ PART 1 - DEVIL'S NIGHT

✧ PART 2 - HIDEAWAY (JAKE)

✧ PART 3 - KILL SWITCH (SUNGHOON)

✧ PART 4 - CORRUPT (JAY)

✧ PART 5 - NIGHTFALL (HEESEUNG)

✧ PART 6

✧ PART 7

✧ PART 8

✧ PART 9

✧ PART 10

✧ PART 11

✧ PART 12

✧ PART 13

DRABBLES

✧ GOOD FOR YOU

✧ TOUGH LOVE

✧ APPLE OF HIS EYE

✧ DOUBLE TROUBLE

✧ FOREVER HIS ONLY PRINCESS

MISC

✧ dkp men visualisation

ASKS

PERM TAGLIST:

@ja3yun @yzzyhee @sunpov @vveebee @jiryunn

@nshmrarki @roslayy @machambrx @wonnienyang @punchbug9-blog

@nora12379 @hollyoongs @chicxxy @tunafishyfishylike @norucking

@riribelle @lol6sposts @skzenhalove @reading-wh0re @tinie03

@cyjhhyj @jungwonsstrawberriesnchocolate @mitmit01 @strxwbloody @woorcve

@1309zip @fancypeacepersona @tsukiflwr @karinaever @wolfhardbby

@moonpri @lucid-sombra @kittylicious-purr @addictedtohobi @lillotus17 @minahaeyo

@in-somnias-world @jezzzzzzmin @deobitifull @doublebunv @mamuljji

@adroitlane @wilonevys @florestalio @senazzzz @firstclassjaylee

@hellokittygurl9999 @woorcve @1309zip @vwricky

TAGLIST:

@wave2hoon @nyxtwixx @somuchdard @bgirly318 @en-doll @enhamonsterghoul

[simp-ly-writes]

Harvey's Proposal

Pairing: SDV Harvey x Reader

Summary: The details, location, and everything else to do with the lead up to and actual proposal of Harvey to the Reader.

Warnings: swearing, slight angst?- just some miscommunication that leads to a HEA.

A/N: Harvey is legit my comfort writing character whenever I get frustrated with another plot.

Masterlist | Taglist | edited.

You had noticed your doctor acting strange recently, he made less eye-contact than usual, became generally less communicative with you and had been leaving the house during odd times for "scheduled appointments." Yet when you contacted Maru for who he was meeting with that afternoon she said that the tables were clear for the day.

The furthest devils of doubt from the back of your mind began digging their way front and forward to your thoughts as panic soon took over every interaction you counted with Harvey in recent memory. You 100% thought he was preparing himself to break up with you as you were mentally preparing yourself for the heartbreak

One day, when Harvey comes back from the clinic without a speck of usual tiredness gracing his features has your heart stopping in the kitchen as you turn off the sink, drying your hands to face him. You watch as he stands there still- coat and scarf still off as your ears begin to ring. You were not ready for the announcement, not now- not ever.

Sadness began to creep onto your features, a few tears in your eye as you shook your head- not even listening to what he had to say. You watch through blurred vision as he races his way across the tiles- boots slipping from the recently moped floors. You feel as he pulls you into his warmth- long arms wrapping around your frame in a gentle yet firm grip.

You shook your head still as he squeezed you that bit tighter, he presses kisses onto the top of your head as you drop your body weight onto him- your knees giving up in your overwhelming sadness. Your hands shake as you try and pull away as you feel Harvey let you go.

The doctor stands there still- afraid of what you had yet to tell him, afraid of what caused you to have such a reaction. "A-are you alright my love?" Harvey asks, a few tears in his own eyes as he watches you suffer through what he has yet to understand- he wants to help you through whatever it is you are facing.

You cringe as you sniffle loudly and hiccup into a sentence, wiping your face against your sweater as you turn away to face the sink once more- not baring to look at him anymore. "Why did you not tell me earlier, Harvey?" you asked with grief.

Harvey stares at your back with split-second shock of trying to organizing the information of the situation- just like a medical report. "If I had known that you hadn't been feeling well recently, and- and not wanting to go on a walk with me this afternoon. I would never pressure you into going- darling. That I promise you, I'm so sorry if it came out that way, I'm so sorry that all this stress on my part is coming into our relationship-"

You turn around quickly as Harvey takes a step closer, you watch as his hand rises gently before your own and falls just as quickly to his side. "We were in a relationship Harvey!- we were meant to work things out! Go through life together without need to glance forwards or back, all I ever would need is to look to my side and see you there. That is life- what I thought to be and what I dreamed of. I CAN HELP with the stresses Harvey, I can help with the shit, with the fucked, with the world-ending beliefs. And is is not just that I can- its that I would- I would have without a second thought if you were to just have told me what was going on inside."

You take a deep breath of air in, trying to calm down your breathing as you grab a glass of water from the tap. You watch out of the corner of your eye as Harvey stands there still, tears like waterfalls down his cheeks- staining his dress-shirt and making it bleed all the way down to his heart.

He takes of his glasses, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands before dropping to his knees. You drop your glass in a panic, racing to the floor as well as his head falls into your lap- you feel his ragged breaths as you rub his back. He sobs endlessly- gripping onto your pant leg- afraid to let you go.

Subconsciously you hand makes its way towards his tangled hair, combing your fingers gently through the knots as sigh out, leaning over to press a kiss to the top of his head. Once pulling away, he raises his head, resting his forehead against your own with closed eyes as he whispers out into the near silent kitchen.

"I am such an idiot," you feel his soft cries turning into laughs as you tense once more, "why would you say such a thing about yourself?" you ask in an equally broken tone.

"When thinking back- my recent actions or rather lack there of have been nothing less than... well shit. I'm sorry for all the secrets, some lies and my lack of presence. In my world- I was beyond worrying of slipping something up about my actions but it appears I have done that nonetheless."

Harvey takes a deep breath, eyes opening to capture your own as he fixes his glasses and pushes a hand through his hair- an action that signals he is outputting stress. "What I mean to say is that I love you so greatly- my dear. More than I can even put to words, to think, to know and even categorize what something like what we share can feel- I, I am always at a loss when it comes to you. Lost in the time we share together, lost in your smiles, your laughter, the presence you grace me with. I am the luckiest man alive and perhaps the most undeserving as of late. I love you- and it is you that defines what the word love is and it is only you that places these feelings and definitions into actions that I can only do my best to express."

Harvey shifts up slightly, proping himself up on one knee as you gasp, world spinning yet again as you experience a whiplash of emotions. You cry harder and crane your head back into joyous laughter as he does the same before calling you to face him once more.

"And besides the poor timing, the lack of romanticism, composure on my end and setting of this all. I can only hope that when I present you with this ring, you will help me to greater define what our love can look like, what actions we choose to take together, and make me able to look past, look forward, and to only see you in it all. Will you marry me?" Harvey asks, the ring shining underneath the warm artificial light of the flicker bulb that flutters just like your own heart.

You cry out a yes, you both falling against the tiles as you stare up at the ceiling and in one another arms. With the ring placed on your finger, you hold it up into the light as it refracts all around you- looking towards Harvey you connect smiles and relax to the word that is future.

╰┈➤ A/N: currently crying over this, brb. (hope you enjoyed reading!).

↳ Taglist: @lovelybee666

[hailmaryfullofgrace55675]

the romance novels i’ve been reading for the past few days are adequately suited to my sensibilities for me to keep reading them but they are really not good unfortunately. they’re by an author nicola davidson, and they reflect some of my deeply held values around the importance of sexual freedom and the personally liberatory nature of getting off.

i appreciate how the author takes sexual needs seriously, and not just in the “when it’s not the forever love the sex is bad, when it’s the forever love the sex is perfect” way but in portraying sexual miscommunication as an obstacle to emotional connection. in one book, a married couple almost splits because, after a perfect femdom/malesub first sexual encounter, she tries to be the perfect demure wife and he experiences this as a rejection and reveal of fundamental incompatibility. in two books, a submissive bisexual man marries a woman he’s intensely compatible with but can’t connect with her sexually until they have another man in the room to tell him what to do. i like these plots.

there are characters who have sexual natures that are, if not the same as mine, similar enough to relate instead of bouncing off. mostly it really isn’t the same kinks, it’s that these sexual freedom and their individual sexual and kinky desires are really important to them and they deliberately prioritize them in how they live their lives. recently i’ve been both volunteering at a [sex/kink/porn related organization] and reading posts on r/pornaddiction and r/loveafterporn and it’s really brought into focus how much porn and kink are things that i really love and have been fascinated with since i was a tween and have had mostly positive experiences with. porn and kink are important to me. they’re part of my daily life. i want them to be the focus of my career in archiving in the future. i find them deeply pleasurable and affirming to engage with.

when i read these posts from people on r/loveafterporn from women who experience their boyfriends and husbands looking at porn as a profound and painful betrayal, that shit is like skeletor to me. the little joys of sexual feeling that light up my day and connect me with other people are evil and disgusting to these women. what i regard as freedom and autonomy they regard as cheating and deprivation of what is owed to a partner. what i regard as sovereignty of mind they regard as an unfortunate obstacle to control.

most romance novels do not espouse an explicitly anti-porn or anti-being capable of attraction to other people worldview. most of the romance novels i read are sexually explicit, so promoting sexual fantasy. all of them, as romance novels, are tools for fantasy, for fantasizing about someone other than your partner if you have a partner, for treading and retreading the mental ground of “special fun things i like to think about alone”. but usually they do portray sexual feeling as being, at least in the context of the perfect ideal romance, something to be awakened and fulfilled by and for a single perfect lover. genre romance is changing, there are more and more authors who write characters with long-held kinks, characters who masturbate, and even characters who entertain sexual attraction for people other than their endgame partners. but it’s still rare to see a character to whom engaging with sexuality is a life goal and philosophy.

so i appreciate these books for that but omg the pacing is really bad and the author brings in these tensions of repression and being held back by society and then instantly and anticlimactically punctures them. it’s like every book is a first draft skeleton that should get 100, 150 more pages for the characters to stew and pace and conceal their truths and jerk off and cry, but they just confess and move on as fast as logistically possible. i thought maybe the writing was getting better over the author’s years of publishing, but actually one of her more fleshed out books (the devil’s submission) that i read first was from 2017 and the really rushed-feeling books i’m reading right now (a rake his patron and their muse, and earl his valet and their wife) were published in 2022 and 2023. it’s amazing the kind of writing i will tolerate for a romance novel that affirms my values and sexual subjectivity.

[oh-my-damn]

Please please!!! Tell us the plot for the devil inside!!!!! 😍😍😍😍😍

Your wish is my command, my dear 😌 🫡

I'll give you a short snippet of what I've been working on so far 🫶🏻

This is the fic that will have literally every single trope under the sun (hopefully). I'm going to jam-pack this fic with all the clichés in the world and I have a feeling I'm going to thoroughly enjoy doing it!

Basically I'm going to try and fit in all of these tropes:

Enemies to lovers, grumpy/sunshine, avengers vibes circa 2012 (living in compound), avenger!reader, forced proximity, only one bed, friends with benefits, mutual pining, hurt/comfort, miscommunication, angst for the hell of it, and a hell of a lot of smut. For kinks I'm thinking definitely a metal hand kink, choking, some rough sex but also some soft sex (we like the duality of bucky), spanking, dom/sub vibes (I'm kinda considering experimenting with bucky as both a dom and sub/that they switch bc I feel like Bucky has a subby side), lots of dirty talk obviously, breeding kink/cumplay, touch starved bucky.

It will be Beefy!Bucky (circa Civil War) with manbun, but his vibes will be FATWS!Bucky bc he's sassy and sarcastic and snarky. I may also delve into him having the shorter hair later on in the story, I haven't decided yet, but so far we're doing long haired Bucky bc I love him!!!

These pics inspired me last night to get to work so here are the vibes:

Snippet of The Devil Inside under the cut!

When you got up to get your things, that's when he approached you. Your eyes shot up at the sound of his voice, your body tensing at the question he asked you.

"You call that fighting?"

And that was that. You were too stunned to come with a retort at the time, all you could do was look at him in shock as he snickered and walked off, and you've recounted that moment in your head a thousand times by now. How he laughed you off, the look of amusement on his face, as if you were the dumbest person in the world. It was clear he certainly didn't think you were worthy of being an Avenger.

Ever since then, you've hated him.

It only intensified over time.

There was the time when he scoffed when Tony chose you to go on a mission with Bucky, Steve and Nat. Or the time when he scowled at you for grabbing a beer with the rest of them in the common room after a long mission.

Not to mention the countless times he had walked off, practically mid-conversation, if you walked up to the group he was standing with.

Yes, it was safe to say that Bucky Barnes loathed you, and you felt the same way.

Which only made it more infuriating that he was the most beautiful man you'd ever seen.

[soobstatic]

"Wait for me, I’m coming"

Pairing: sookai (Choi Soobin x Huening Kai)

Word Count: 13.5k words

Tags: Based On A Panic! At The Disco Song. Bad usage of greek mythology. Inspired by Hadestown (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore). Miscommunication. Does this count as MCD if they are 80 per cent dead?. Car Accidents as a plot device.

Summary:

When the rain does not seems to stop, the options are limited and the only available opportunity is to make a deal with the Devil, Kai decides to take it. He does not mind, if he could bring Soobin back to life by accepting this agreement. Life depends on decisions, and the one Huening Kai made might be the most challenging one. Or Huening Kai, a part-time musician, descends to the land of the dead to retrive the soul of the love of his life.

A/N: written for emoficfest

X | Ao3

[misdeliria]

misdeliria's romance manhwa rec list

Of course, this is far from the number of manhwas I've read, but here are the highlights. Comment your recs if I don't have it here or my inbox is open!

[MANHWACLAN FAVORITES] This website may produce a lot of ads, so for the best experience, download an ad blocker from the app store {i.e., adguard}

Death Is The Only Ending For The Villainess [ ongoing - currently: 162 chapters ] Penelope Eckart reincarnated as the adopted daughter of Duke Eckart and the villainess of a reverse harem dating sim.

I love this manhwa. FL has to navigate how to capture the hearts of the MLs, who all despise the villainess.

Lee Seob’s love [ ongoing - currently: 56 chapters ] The epic office romance between Tae Lee Seob, who doesn’t want to do anything, and Kang Minkyung, who must somehow succeed!

This super cute office romance has me in a chokehold. The art is beautiful, and the MLs moral dilemma is a personal issue he's trying to work through while chasing the FL.

I Can’t Be This Stupid [ completed - currently: 91 chapters ] Doha takes an active role as Rowoon’s secret love consultant, and a romantic life together begins.

A super cute slice-of-life modern romance between two kids on opposite ends of the wealth class—with a little splash of telepathy.

The Villainess Lives Twice [ ongoing - currently: 217 chapters ] But in return for her devotion, Artizea got betrayed. And the one that reaches out his hand to save her from the verge of death is her righteous enemy, Grand Duke Cedrick.

Another unforgettable historical romance where the FL is transported into the villainess' role. Part of the fan translation is messy towards the 100-chapter milestone, but the plot holds up, and I continuously root for the leads in this one.

I'm Not The Final Boss' Lover [ ongoing - currently: 62 chapters ] Jun is prepared to guide Fabian through the second playthrough to the true ending when… Fabian abandons her. Now Grand Duke Mayer Knox—captain of the Dark Knights and the secret final boss—is determined to have her join his party.

I was a total dork about this one. There's a lot of gamer-talk from the FL with historical/fantasy elements. The romance is also perfect (ML falls first, AND harder)

I Thought It's A Common Possession [ ongoing - currently: 77 chapters ] If I was going to die anyway, according to the original, then let’s give a kiss to my handsome husband!

Another villainess isekai (I have a serious obsession). Something about how the FL gets so angsty because they're forced into a role where everyone hates them, and somehow, she manages to get the ML to fall in love with her. UGH, poetry.

The Redemption of Earl Nottingham [ ongoing - currently: 36 chapters ] Madelyn’s husband Ian was left broken after the war, and in turn, made her life a living hell. Fleeing her doomed marriage, she meets a tragic end.

Reincarnation trope! Ahh, love this one. It says it contains mature content, but I don't remember seeing anything—just keep it in mind before you decide to read this one. With miscommunication and pining, the ML really isn't a bad guy; he's just a traumatized eldest child.

Call Me The Devil [ ongoing - currently: 107 ] A plastic surgeon by day and a devil by night, Hyunshin has the power to seduce anyone with his eyes, but somehow, his irresistible temptation does not work on “Lee Na”, who suddenly appeared one day. 

The ML is a devil in this one. I loved it so much. The supporting characters really make this one, though. The little family, all of them together, makes my heart palpitate.

My God Is A Lustful Man [ ongoing - currently: 50 chapters ] Hye-sal, a timid ethics teacher who has lived her whole life without desires, finds that a neighbor who exudes desire and pleasure has moved in next door.

Dionysus is the ML in this, and this Greek mythology manhwa adaption is peak. I love the pining and mythology references. Initially, I found this comic on Webtoon, but I found a better source to read from.

I Can't Wait To Eat You [ ongoing - currently: 59 chapters ] I swore to resent her all my life when I was a kid, so I’m going to stick around to make her life impossible, I’ll make sure to eat her happiness away.

OOO, the ML in this one starts off as a little shit, but he definitely grows on you once he realizes his feelings and becomes the best boyfriend/boss ever.

Extroversion of an Immortal [ ongoing - currently: 55 chapters ] A fairy ‘Cheon Moran’, who killed a woodcutter for stealing her wings and lived like a celebrity while trapped in the human world, was discovered by ‘Sa Jeha’, a detective in charge of a murder case in which she was involved.

This one took a while for me to get attached to because I was constantly getting cliffhangers. I really like what it is so far. I'm heavy into speculating what the angst will become, but so far, the characters are so pretty, and that's my main argument.

Pure Love Operation [ ongoing - currently: 108 chapters ] I saw my boyfriend kissing my best friend. if that wasn’t enough, I was with a guy whose guts I hate from my class, Go Eun-Hyuk.

I'm sure many people have already seen this one, but if you haven't, you should. This was one of the stories that got me back into reading webcomics. The art is beautiful, the plot is gripping, and the romance is literally to die for (because I will never experience Dohwa falling in love with me and I'm so envious of Soo-Ae).

What I Decided To Die For [ completed - currently: 98 chapters ] Cha Gyeol, who met Ji Oh while having all sort of bad thoughts, is completely swoon over by Ji Oh with her dazzling smile. However, the people around Cha Gyeol are somehow dangerous for her to go head over heels with him.

This modern reincarnation romance is so good. I was experiencing turmoil rooting for the ML but it all played out right in the end and I should be so happy for the author LOL

[ WEBTOON FAVORITES ] As some of you may know, Webtoon stories aren't always available on other sites, so... The following links will take you to Webtoon's website.

Eaternal Nocturnal [ completed - currently: 101 chapters ] When Eve is visited one night by a mysterious apparition, she finds that her chronic insomnia is miraculously cured. Meanwhile Dae, the dream eater, finds himself unexpectedly and unwillingly drawn to Eve.

I love the author, instantmiso. She also wrote Where Tangents Meet and Siren's Lament, both are completed and I've read. The pining and Dae's character were so satisfying.

The Mafia Nanny [ ongoing - currently: 45 chapters ] Being an Elite Nanny is simple: protect the charge, obey the principle, and don’t get emotionally attached. Easier said than done when Davina’s first client is a dangerously compelling Venetian underboss who’s determined to get under her skin.

The leads in this one have me BARKING. I love a good mafia romance, and this manhwa adaption has me sat and waiting every week for the update. Davina is a badass, and her Venetian employer is such a good father. Some (his son) might even call him daddy. Hehe

Down To Earth [ ongoing - currently: 203 episodes ] Kade lives his average life alone and undisturbed... until a cute alien girl crashes into his backyard! 

I initially read this one because my friend kept harping me about it. It's a very cute, wholesome romance between a depressed dude and a sweet, gorgeous, lovable alien girl who crashes on Earth.

Of Swamp And Sea [ ongoing - currently: 100 chapters ] When a monster hunt gone wrong sets two strangers on the same path, they discover their relationship may be more than strictly professional.

I'll be honest and say I am not entirely caught up on this one, only because it went on hiatus after I got caught up. The relationship between the FL and ML was a little off to me at first because I really thought the FL was a teenager until it was revealed she was in her twenties. But, overall, the development between them is lovely.

I Love Yoo [ ongoing - currently: 254 episodes ] Dogged by pain and misfortune from the very beginning, Shin-Ae decides she wants nothing to do with people nor anything to do with romance.

Another extremely popular one, which should take first priority if you haven't started yet. A modern romance with modern-day problems, but the anguish that each character individually experiences keeps me hooked. I hope they all work through their issues and become their happiest selves. Also, the dad is a little bitch boy.

Act Like You Love Me [ completed - currently: 150 chapters ] When a mix-up at a temp job has her spending a day as famous actor Doyun Nam’s personal assistant, she takes her anger out on a doll... which turns out to have the magical ability to control him at her every whim.

This one was so, SO good. I really loved the second ML, but of course, the primary ML is still a heartthrob. The FL was such a lucky girl to have two successful hotties after her.

I could add a lot more, but this is a good start! Happy reading! ❤️

[heretherebedork]

The absolute separation of them and Pluem's isolation in this show just... poor man, he has no idea what's going on or has been miscommunicated because Prod refuses to speak to him or acknowledge him. Sigh.

Seriously, poor Pluem. He's trapped because Prod absolutely refuses to speak and it doesn't matter how well their colors are matching or how much lighter Pluem has become if Prod just outright refuses to talk to him.

This is dumb.

[harocat]

How did you feel about Li Susu's character arc by the end of Till the End of the Moon?

I had a few critiques of it.

I think it was generally good through her first 'death'. My main issue with it, is that I wish the show, once they reach the Jing kingdom, got in her head more. I think that a lot of people were harsh on her because TTJ is such a meow meow (which he is), and because the show did not delve into her own personal trauma enough.

She lost everything to the Devil God. The whole world was about to be destroyed at the time she left. He would have succeeded in this, because there were no gods left and the last lines of defense had just been obliterated.

As viewers, of course we sympathize with TTJ. And so does she. And she does get to a point where she says "I am going to try to save him. I am going to tell him the truth. I want to stay by his side.' She was going to bet on him and the goodness that she thought he possessed.

But this is quickly sabotaged by Bingchang and Xianxia miscommunication plot device 101.

What is the value of one life vs everyone in the world's lives? Is the dilemma LSS faces. On the off chance that TTJ somehow doesn't become the devil god, is it worth the risk of not inflicting the nails? She has a mission that has been entrusted to her by everyone she's ever loved.

It's not 'LSS is so cold. She doesn't understand nature vs. nurture.' It's that she has the actual fate of the world on her shoulders, and she has to decide if it's worth it to save one man at the risk of everyone else. We as viewers just happen to really, really love that man.

And even then she isn't actually able to do it until she believes he killed her grandmother in cold blood, and that he mind controlled her into killing Xiao Lin (which he actually did do). Only then can she inflict the nails. Of course as viewers we know the whole story, but she does not.

When she fails at the nails and finds out the truth, she makes it her mission to destroy the evil bone, yes, but also to SAVE HIS LIFE. Her guilt is manifest in the physical harm the world overturning jade causes her. She is absolutely in mind to die to save him and give him another chance at life.

The show would have been better if it explicitly delved into that more because to be honest, a lot of viewers have trouble reading those implications.

Also Xiao Lin! Her need to save him is one part where her emotional side does overwhelm everything else, but people say over and over it 'doesn't make sense.' It does. It's just that the show doesn't remind you of the fact that she failed to save her 'Xiao Lin' back in episode one.

Adding to LSS's trauma is the fact that she is fully convinced she is going to die. Even before she decides to give TTJ her immortal essence, she thinks she will not survive this task. It's only in the brief segment of time when they were a happy couple where she was optimistic enough to think this may not be the case.

People also get on her case for not trusting him, but he doesn't fully trust her either. Again, it was less than a year ago that she experienced her world destroyed by a version of Tantai Jin that did become the devil god. Why is it so hard to believe that this trauma, no matter how much we want her to fully believe in TTJ, doesn't just go away? Even if it doesn't feel fair to TTJ? Remember that the devil god doesn't just look like TTJ; it is TTJ if he'd died that day in the snow, taken over by the spirit of the DG.

Mostly; it's clear that the show realized at some point what a good character TTJ is and what a good job LYX was doing with him, but that shouldn't have resulted in them sidelining LSS and Bai Lu. Nor should it have resulted in them cutting back her perspective. There are side characters they could have taken screentime away from instead (you know who).

The show needed to be more empathetic to her. It's naturally empathetic to TTJ, because he is sad and abused, but for LSS, they didn't put the work in as well.

The last five episodes are almost irreconcilable with how poorly they treated LSS. She plainly did not have a story of her own. She was moved around like a chess piece to wherever the narrative needed without any input from her, for the most part. The ONLY really good stuff we got with her was regarding Dimian, but even then, the payoff was weak. Love that she still believed in TTJ, hate that she didn't have a huge part in defeating her dick dad.

LI SUSU IS SUPPOSED TO BE EXTREMELY POWERFUL.

She is the lady of spirituality. She is THE cultivator with the power to become a goddess. She's the daughter of a goddess. We just don't see this. If anything, it comes across like cultivator!TTJ is more powerful than her, which is silly. He's not using demonic powers at that point, and he's still new to cultivating.

In the finale episodes, she doesn't make many decisions of her own. Everything comes down to TTJ's plan. Even when she becomes a goddess, it's because she's (quite literally) shoved into it.

I saw an article that said one thing that makes TTEOTM 'brave' and 'interesting' is that it sidelines the FL to focus on the ML at the end, but I am sorry, in what world is that the innovative route? China is not that different than the west in that it still prioritizes the importance of men in storytelling. The fact that the story started out SO much from Li Susu's perspective, and then made her basically contingent by the end, is a big weakness of the last eps of TTEOTM. I'm not asking to see TTJ do less, I'm asking to see her do more.

(If I ever do my rewrite, this is a huge thing I'll be working on.)

[draqo-pctter]

*:..｡o○ - ○o｡..:* Dramione Master List *:..｡o○ - ○o｡..:*

It Started With A One Night Stand      During the worst date of her life, Hermione Granger might have given herself a mild allergic reaction in order to leave early. When she goes to the Emergency Room to confirm she isn’t going to die, she runs into Healer Draco Malfoy. They hooked up three months ago. And he's about to tell her she's three months pregnant.      words: 6,900 | chapters 4/6 | rated m | explicit sexual content, one night stand turns love of her life, tooth-rotting fluff

A Madness Most Discreet | A Dramione Text Fic      In two weeks, the papers will be smeared with headlines detailing every moment of the Granger-Weasley wedding. Article after article will paint the happiest day of Hermione’s life, and the worst day of Draco’s, for all to see. A TextFic AU in which Draco and Hermione come to terms with a decade of unresolved feelings in the two weeks leading up to Hermione and Ron's wedding.      words: 8,857 | chapters 25/? | rated m | mutual pining, idiots in love, miscommunication, extramarital affair, explicit sexual content

Life Grows Colder | Truly Madly Deeply Fest 2023 Submission      Draco Malfoy remembers a lot of things. He remembers the way that Hermione’s hair curled around his finger and the way that his name sounded coming from her lips. He remembers desperately trying to save her, as she desperately tried to save him, both of them meeting in the middle with a promise of forever at the end of so much pain. And he remembers having a second chance. A second chance he’s still waiting for. Or: The year is 2003, but Draco is still in 1998.      words: 7,431 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | dead dove: do not eat, major character death, mental health issues, non-hea, minor depictions of violence, explicit sexual content

Stay For Breakfast and Other Dramione Drabbles      A collection of my Dramione drabbles/microfics, originally posted on Twitter (also some old ones from my Tumblr I’m storing here for safe keeping). Fics will be individually tagged in the author’s notes at the beginning of each chapter. Over-arching tags are defined in the Additional Tags section.

Devil In His Own Way Series      Draco Malfoy, in his quest to find himself, ended up creating a lifestyle magazine so prolific that its reputation soon became his own. Disrobed quickly became celebrated for glorifying sex, money, and what it meant to be a young person coming of age in post-war Wizarding Britain. One afternoon, Hermione received an unexpected visit from Pansy Parkinson and a personal invitation from Draco Malfoy himself for a weekend of pleasure at Malfoy Mansion. One thing led to another, and the two soon found themselves searching for more than a “what could have been”.      words: 154,260 | works: 3/3 | completed?: no | rated m | draco malfoy as hugh hefner au, minor theomione, porn with plot

Mysterious Thing About Love      Hermione Granger had never believed herself to be the type of witch to break into the Department of Mysteries in a drunken bid for some kind of happy future. She also couldn’t have imagined waking up in a reality in which she was happily engaged to Draco Malfoy, having found a kind of companionship that Ron had never shown her. As Draco attempts to help her get back, she finds herself falling for the man who worries if his fiancé will ever return.       words: 26,316 | chapters 7/26 | rated m | soulmates, alternate timelines, strangers to lovers

Run From It All      Sometimes, after particularly brutal raids, Hermione would invite Draco back to her flat. She would feed him, let him shower, and sleep the next day away in her bed while she told Shacklebolt Draco was having his injuries checked at St. Mungo’s and would be back after the weekend. And, one night, he asks her to sleep with him.      words: 4,487 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | coworkers, soft, porn with plot, mild hurt/comfort

A Love Like This Won’t Last Forever | HP Flower Fest 2022 Submission      After the war, Draco hadn’t known what to do with himself or Malfoy Manor. He’d tried to settle his mind with a bit of botany -- a hidden favorite pastime of his -- and soon enough, the estate was covered in hundreds of plant varieties. Hermione was surprised when she received an invitation to the grand opening of The Gardens at Malfoy Manor, a botanical garden for flora and fauna, both Magical and Muggle. Wiltshire breathed a sigh of relief when the two finally came together among a sea of Dahlias.      words: 7,857 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | botany, porn with plot, soft

A Million Little Times      Hermione didn’t blame Draco for the affair. She couldn’t blame Theodore, either. If anyone, she blamed herself–she was the one who followed Draco to the hallway during a Ministry Gala. Their late-night meetings and middle-of-the-day escapades had been going on for some time–three years if her memory was serving her properly–when Hermione found herself torn between dependable security and wanton risk. Draco wanted a promise of her devotion and commitment, while Theodore wore the symbol of it on his left ring finger.      words: 9,760 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | infidelity, extramarital affair, not dramione endgame, porn with plot

Sunday Mornings      Hermione finds herself slowly falling for a handsome blond during springtime.      words: 8,457 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | eighth year, soft, just two young people falling in love, porn with plot

Winter Holiday      The one in which two lonely hearts fall for each other during wintertime.      words: 8,076 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | eighth year, winter vibes, porn with plot

It Happened One Holiday Party      Hermione had only stayed for the office Christmas party because Harry asked her to. Draco had stayed because he’d gotten Hermione for Secret Santa and couldn’t bring himself to simply leave the gift on her desk. Somehow, they both end up back at Draco’s family home beneath some mistletoe.      words: 5,867 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | coworkers, holiday party, dramione first time, porn with plot

Loving In Truth Series      After finishing his Ministry-ordered probation, Draco had to decide on a “new life path”, whatever that meant. He wasn’t sure the judge knew what that meant. What it sounded like was a farce. How was he supposed to decide on a new future when he still hadn’t come to terms with the past? Enter Hermione Granger in all her Ministry glory. As an employee of the Ministry’s Department of Magical Law Enforcement, it became her job to ensure that Draco did what he was supposed to do: find a new career path, and disavow everything that his family had stood for. As he tried to piece himself back together, and put distance between himself and his family values, he found himself wanting to be closer to Granger, who wanted nothing to do with him.       words: 38,357 | books 1/3 | completed? no | rated m | excessive drug/alcohol use, dark themes, hurt/comfort, angst | on hiatus

Let Me Get You Off | Dramione Kink Challenge 2020 Submission      Hermione was drunk when she told Draco that she’d led a boring sex life. He’d also been drunk when he admitted that he was more than capable of showing her a good time. When an owl arrived at her window, she jumped at the chance to see what Draco Malfoy was really about. And she had a delightful time.      words: 3,841 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | explicit sexual content, porn no plot, breath play, dom/sub

Do You Remember?      Five years had passed since Draco and Hermione shared a steamy night in the Hogwarts dungeons. Three years had passed since the war. Six hours had passed since Hermione - incredibly hungover - was greeted by Draco getting a tour on his first day at the Ministry. When he shows up at her flat in Muggle London with an anti-hangover potion as a peace offering, things get steamy.      words: 4,549 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | explicit sexual content, re-introductions, dramione first time

Stay For The Night      Draco thought he was going to the bar to get a quick drink after work. He didn't realize he'd be in charge of making sure Hermione Granger didn't fall asleep in a cheap hotel room.      words: 5,446 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | redeemed draco malfoy, re-introductions, smut and fluff

The Shrine of Your Lies      On the night of Dumbledore’s death, Draco makes a promise to Hermione that he isn’t sure he can keep.      words: 5,486 | chapters 1/1 | rated m | angst, not a happy ending, major character death/depictions of violence

Baby Bump      Hermione is pregnant and feeling insecure about her new body; Draco thinks she looks as beautiful as ever.      words: 835 | chapters 1/1 | rated t | pregnant hermione, body insecurities, domestic fluff

[seeingteacupsindragons]

Yuukoku no Moriarty Meta Masterlist: Story Analysis

Table of Contents: Since Last Update, Overarching, Specific Chapters

Since Last Update

Initial Thoughts of Louis as Lifthrasir

Moriarty Religious Denomination (Ask)

People Seek to Love Together

Overarching

Sherliam and Romantic Narratives (Ask)

“No One Tell Sherlock” / “It Doesn’t Hurt at First, Does It?”

Writing Craft Strengths and Weakness (Ask)

Deuteragonists

Deuteragonists Addendum

Queerbait (Ask)

One Dimensional Nobles (Ask)

Miscommunication (Ask)

The Devil’s Bargain (Ask)

Professor Moriarty's Students and the Lord of Crime (Ask)

On William and Amnesia

Introductory Thoughts on Liam as a Christian Figure (Ask)

Anime Ending (Ask)

William's Coma Care (Ask)

The Suicide King

Captives of the Rose (Ask)  

Parallels (Ask)

Reborn in a New World (Ask)

YuuMori Endgame Romance (Ask)

Atonement

How YuuMori Handles Mental Health

YuuMori and Justice

Plot Structure (Ask)

Lucien, Tate, Moran, and Fred

On Adaptations and Canon  

YuuMori and Shock Factor (Ask)

Calculating the Value of Life  

Justice vs. Punishment (Ask)

Twisting Assumptions and Narratives

Where is the Story Going with the Pinkertons? (Ask)

Pinkertons and The Valley of Fellows (Ask)

Romantic Subplots (Ask)

Doves, Pigeons, Ravens, and Crows

Playing with Adaptation as a Form  

Liam Alone (Ask)

Stakes (Ask)

YuuMori’s Story of Atonement

Is YuuMori Queer? (Ask)

Light Vs. Darkness (Ask)

YuuMori and Cross-cultural Interrogation

Moral Quandaries

Unreliable Narrators

John Watson’s Lies

William’s Renown and Legally Dead Status (Ask)

How the Moriarty Bros’ Bond Is Established

Binaries

Scarlet Eyes (Ask)

Character Relationships and Endings

Reasons for Bond Joining the Moriartys (Ask)

Sherlock’s Antagonism

Thread Motif

Helena Curtis as a Representation of Every Character

Scarlet

Metatextual Lying

Canonical Connections to Romance (Ask)

The Wheels of Tragedy (Ask)

Louis and William as Twins (Ask)

Specific Chapters

Chapter 54 Summary (Ask)

Sherlock and The Two Criminals (Ask)

A Story of Atonement

Coma Caring, Sherlock, and That One Panel

Liam and Louis Reunion, Writerly Thoughts (Ask)

The Tea Party (Ask)  

A Doubling Sequence (Ask)

The Plot of Chapter 67 (Ask)

Sherlock’s Story in the Frame Narrative (Ask)

Moriarty Brothers in the Tea Party OVA (Ask)

Summary of Liam’s Fire Speech (Ask)

Chapter 76 and Endings

William, Fred, and Smoking

William’s Gun in The Two Criminals (Ask)  

[claire-starsword]

Shining Force Pre Release Coverage

yes i have made a post about this before but i was a baby with one magazine. Now i’m a big 90s kid who has gone through the entirety of the Beep Megadrive archives from 1991-1994, as one does. Get ready for what might be my biggest post ever, I don’t wanna break it into parts for the timeline vibe.

To contextualize the following dates: the game came out in Japan on March 1992.

October 1991

More cool sword animations for Max. Also it took me way too long to realize this background is also not anywhere in the final game, though the final Gate of the Ancients bg does take a lot from it. Apparently it was once meant to be an indoor location with torches.

Here are screenshots of the map itself. Icons were completely different, and Gort and Mae are there. Obviously this could be just the use of debug features to test the characters, but I suspect their story roles were actually changed and they were meant to be starting characters. More on that later.

there’s also a screenshot of Guardiana with a slightly different layout. There are centaur NPCs in town as opposed to only in the castle, the old man sprite is different, and the little girls are normal as opposed to dragging cats around. In the final version, this little girl sprite is only for Karin, Krin and Koron, the important little girl trio. The bed sprites are also different and kinda failing at perspective.

Besides screenshots, we also get a synopsis.

Centuries before Mephisto’s uprising in Shining in the Darkness... In the continent of Rune, far to the east of Thornwood, many countries big and small lived in endless days of peace. However, the great nation of Rune Faust, wanting to take over all of Rune, plotted to get its hands on the “Legacy of the Gods” inherited by the country of Guardiana since ancient times.

The Legacy of the Gods is said to be both a superweapon and a frightening beast. Whoever attains it can become a god or a devil... But even though the Rune Faust army has invaded Guardiana and ravaged the country for its plans of domination, it hasn’t succeed in finding the legacy...

Meanwhile, the soldiers of Guardiana, forced into a life of wandering after the fall of their country, have risen to the task of defeating Rune Faust. And as they resist against the unknown evil power controlling Rune Faust, people have come to call them “the forces of light”, Shining Force...

The grassy plains of Guardiana, mountains full of precipices, jungles, deadly deserts, rivers where piranhas live, those and other stages await our heroes.

After all, who is the one controlling the powers of darkness? And what is the truth behind the Legacy of the Gods? Hiding many mysteries, a new legend begins now!!

Very basic stuff, but while it might just the drama vibes, it does feel that Guardiana was supposed to get more wrecked, or get wrecked earlier, which would explain Mae and Gort joining earlier as well. Simone narrating the king’s last wishes right in the intro supports that idea as well.

Lastly, we get some character art and info:

(i know it’s hard to see the og text with this resize but hey, that’s why I linked the magazine collection before)

These are the forces of light, “Shining Force”!

“I’m the swordsman protagonist, Max!”

The protagonist of this story, Max. He’s human, but is an expert with the sword and can also use magic. He roams across the continent, leading the Shining Force in its way to defeat Runefaust.

One more for the “Max was meant to have magic” pile.

Archer - Hans

An elf who used to work at Guardiana’s palace. His skill with the bow is first-class.

Very nitpicky detail: Hans’ class is written with kanji here, when it’s written in katakana in the final version.

Knight - Mae

A young centaur warrior. Daughter of the late Knight Captain.

Priest - Lowe

A dwarf who’s a great friend of Max. Currently training at magic.

Shining in the Darkness already had a hobbit priest so i wonder if there’s some miscommunication here. The hobbit discourse is even older than I’d imagined.

Warrior - Gort

A hotblooded dwarf old man and Mae’s servant.

Told you there were changes on these two. There’s no indication of any connection between the two in the final version, especially since centaurs tend to be arrogant towards other races, a fact that does not come up here at all, nor does Mae’s tough personality. Even more evidence will come up later that those things were added late in development.

Knight - Ken

A centaur in knight who admires Max.

The enemies don’t get descriptions and all have their final names except the Rune Knight, who is only Centaur Knight at this point.

November 1991

This is a big one. The beta title screen is the least interesting thing about it.

We see more of Guardiana, and the centaur NPC was actually Varios all along, meaning the intro was really different.

Max and Mae get to smile! Given the story is kinda obvious why this was changed, but I always did find it weird that their artwork had different expressions to begin with.

Plenty of screenshots of a field battle with completely different graphics. More on this later.

Also a different and apparently pretty big shop.

But now for the part that really rocked my socks, a whole beta map:

Here’s the final map so you can compare the geography yourself. This map doesn’t label pretty much any town and instead brings up a bunch of new names for the natural areas.

The Gate of the Ancients, or what I suppose is it, it’s not labelled, sits atop the Mountain of Guidance, which seems to be a single mountain as opposed to the big mass that stretches up to Rindo in the final version. The gate also seems drawn like a little castle, which would explain the indoor bgs shown so far.

Alterone is to the northwest of Guardiana as opposed to the northeast. It is also right next to the Beagle Mountain Mass, which, makes A Lot More Sense with how much we hear it is a mining town. I’ve been wondering where their mines were in the final map. They must have mined too much though, because in the final version this mountain mass is largely gone.

Further to the north is Rindo Harbor, and you, english speaker, might think, “oh yes Rindo that’s the final name” but nope, in the JP version the town’s name is Rindorindo, for some reason, so that’s a difference. A difference that matters to no one.

There’s no river near Rindo, and Manarina and Shade are not labelled, though its concepts seem to be around. Manarina also seems to be surrounded by a lot more forest than in the final version, which might explain its guide book entry.

The forest near Manarina has a name that deserves its own post, Kaien, in katakana so that it is harder to discerning its meaning of course (and intentionally allow double meanings). Possible interpretations are the start of a performance (開演), the opening of a park or garden or banquet (開園 and 開宴), a superb performance (快演), or an eerie yet fascinating performance (怪演). I’d say the last one is the most fitting for Manarina, but localizing it is still a pain in the ass, the english staff dodged a bullet here. Right now most I can think of is Enthralling Forest, but you still miss some charm.

I also have to wonder if Mishaela was conceived as a boss for this place. Puppet performance and all that. She also ends up having a forest stage in Shining Soul.

All the white mass on the north is Pao Plains, no sign of the bridge or the forests of Bustoke, although there is a town in the mountains. Was this a Shining Force without Zylo? Inconceivable. But might confirm something I’ve been suspecting due to my debug mode escapades. In the battle test mode, egress usually takes you to the last church you’re supposed to access in that chapter. Yet for chapter 2 battles, it takes you to Bustoke, which is on Chapter 3. The editor also shows Bustoke as one of the first map in the data, between Rindo and Shade. It is likely that Bustoke was meant for Chapter 2.

In fact the reasoning for going to Shade Abbey is very shaky, you can see in the final map that there’s a lot more mountains between Shade and Bustoke than from Manarina. I guess the point is that guides work there, but in that ase they should work somewhere else. I’m not complaining though since Shade Abbey is one of the most iconic parts of the game.

The Pao Plains are surrounded by the Boho Mountain Range. Boho is short for bohemian, the romanticized view of nomadic/alternative lifestyles, so it’s very fitting for Pao.

Waral was a single island instead of an archipelago, and the ocean between the two sides of Rune is Cypro Ocean, a name that eventually made its way to the guide book. The region in the center of East Rune is Conga Basin, which we’ve also seen in another book, and Dragonia is to the north already. Finally, the Crescent Mountain Range is the bunch of mountains to the east of Runefaust.

Note also the big isolated structure south of Runefaust. Perhaps the Castle of the Ancients has not always been under the ocean. I also see no sign of Prompt, while all other towns are in (except Waral but Waral isn’t even in the final map, it’s tiny). This might explain why Chapter 7 is cursed on debug mode, frequently failing to load an egress point.

All this rambling was just for the map itself. There’s more written about it, I’ll just translate things directly because I’m a bit tired of taking screenshots.

This is the Rune Continent where Shining Force will take place

There’s no comparison between the world of Shining Force with that of Shining in the Darkness, it is far larger. There are mountain ranges, towns, large coasts, and even islands as well. The adventure starts at Guardiana to the south of West Rune, and the you’ll move clockwise to north, and then to the eastern part of continent, shrouded in mystery. That region to the south of East Rune, could it be Runefaust...?

East Rune and West Rune

The two continents and the Cypro Ocean between them are all referred to as the Rune continent, and are far to the east of the land where one day Thornwood, the kingdom where SitD takes place, will be built.

Guardiana, where the journey begins, is on West Rune. West Rune, compared to the eastern side, is more developed, with many countries living in peace and abundance.

In the eastern side, it is said an ancient civilization once lived there, but currently there are no countries other than Runefaust, and a wide spread of steep mountains and eerie forests.

Because of that and Runefaust itself, the people of West Rune regard the east as a dark land full of mystery.

They’ve thankfully chilled a bit on the “light side versus dark side” in the final game, possibly because they needed churches/HQs/shops to welcome the heroes gameplay-wise. I do see something drawn in the map here where Rudo should be, so perhaps other settlements in the east were already in the cards, just not very developed.

The country of Alterone

A neighboring country of Guardiana. It was originally a mining town built to extract rare and magical minerals from the Beagle Mountain Range around it, and then developed into a country. With the minerals excavated, Alterone amassed a lot of money, which was used for its own development. The common citizens began to live in luxury, and even despite other countries. Of course the royal family too has filled the castle with loads of luxury items and art, and the army is small and lacks zeal despite its extravagant equipment. The cultural level of these people with not much history, is not very great. A rising rich country. One could argue it’s a bit like today’s Japan with its excessive liquidity, or maybe not?

oh i am unequipped in so many ways to understand that jab

The country of Guardiana

A country that prides itself in having the deepest history in all of West Rune. It is said this country was built by people who inherited the duty of protecting the “Legacy of the Gods”. Because of that they’ve grow a tradition of respect for the military arts, and the royal family believes in maintaining a humble lifestyle, so the castle has no ornaments or luxurious items. However the long time of peace has weakened these traditions and the people, and they could not defend themselves from Runefaust’s ambitions, being destroyed...

Being a small country, it has little stock of weapons and such, but it is blessed with fertile land and the agricultural production is plentiful. The story of the Shining Force will somehow begin around this country.

Nothing I hadn’t seen in guide books already, but I’m somewhat surprised the worldbuilding was all already there and not refined for the guide books only. I guess it just didn’t find its place in game.

Speaking of that, here’s a long interview with the devs and I don’t have the energy to translate it all. Here’s the summary:

Unsurprisingly, the game’s biggest challenge was data size. Without compression it was around 30MB, around 15x the size of its final ROM, and definitely not fitting a Mega Drive cartridge. The interview only talks about compression but I wouldn’t be surprised if they had to cut things as well.

It’s brought up that they could have solved that problem by making a CD game instead, but they wanted to reach a wider audience.

Lots of comparisons with SitD, how the game was bigger and more complex, requiring more work and graphics and maps and everything basically. Again it is said that the story happen centuries before SitD.

When asked if there's a connection with the SitD, Masaki Wachi (writer for SF and the GBA remake) enthusiastically replies “Yes! Oops, I said it (laughs)”. He then elaborates that there were big clues about it, but that he wouldn’t comment on the connection with Mephisto and the ending of SitD.

Kenji Orimo (director and writer) does add though that if it was meant to be a direct sequel, it would just be called Darkness II. He also mentions seeing more potential in expanding the Shining World from Force than from Darkness.

Yoshitaka Tamaki (character designer, art director) mentions SitD characters having more of a fairy tale vibe, while SF characters were more grounded, with some pretty scary enemies in the late game, with more of a “war spectacle” vibe.

Lots of hyping up the battle animations.

Also hyping up the unique spin on tactical games, where characters and enemies all have their own agility instead of just alternating between an ally and an enemy phase. I don’t know anything about tactical games to comment on this.

December 1991

We get a better scan of Mae’s old portrait :)

Max on the other hand has already changed to his final one. Character description are largely the same as October with a few more tidbits on personalities such as Ken being a super honest boy. Gort is still referred to as Mae’s old servant, Lowe is still listed as dwarf, and no mention of Mae’s tough personality yet. Max’s class is also listed as warrior, but he was mentioned as swordsman on October so I assume it’s just a mistake.

We do get more characters this time though.

Tao Class: Mage Species: Forest Elf

A mage in training, but her talent is huge. Has a close relationship with Anri, the princess of Guardiana.

The forest elf thing is very curious since Hans and Diane are not listed as such. I have seen the term float around for Nigel of Landstalker, but I didn’t play that yet so no comment.

Diane Class: Archer Species: Elf

A wild girl who lives in Bustoke. Being raised in the mountains, she’s vigorous in battle. Scary.

Zylo Class: Werewolf Species: Beastman

Leader of Bustoke, the mountain nation. Focused in hand-to-hand combat, he does not equip weapons, and instead fights with his sharp claws.

Guntz Class: Steam Knight Species: Beastman

A knight of heavy power who wears an armor powered by a steam engine. Well known through the world as a mercenary specialized in castle assaults.

Well, that’s not my chill guy. Seems his personality wasn’t nailed down yet, which surprises me as his artwork very much implies the gentle guy we know now. Worth mentioning though, Guntz does join the team right as you’re going to assault the fort, and the GBA version even elaborates a bit on that invasion by requiring you pick a bomb from Crock, though Guntz isn’t involved in any of that. Perhaps this sequence was intended to be a bit more elaborate from the start.

Khris Class: Priest Species: Cantaul

A priest who used to work in Alterone. Despite being both priests, she’s stronger than Lowe in battle. Let’s see who is the best at magic.

Kokichi Class: Wing Knight Species: Human

An old gramps from a noble lineage of knights. Entranced by the dream of flying, he spent fifty years researching flying machines.

We then get a bunch of monster art i won’t even try to fit in a screenshot, and more description than they ever got in guide books as far as I’ve seen.

Dwarves

Skilled at close combat due to their strong body, but has low defense. Their lethal axes are menacing.

Dark Priests

Runefaust priests, wearing white masks as per the army’s regulations. Working on an attack with focused magic.

rip dark priests you did not learn blast in time if that’s what they’re implying here

Also, they’re called Dark Priests here, Priests in the final game, and Dark Priests in the english localization. I don’t know why I bother paying attention to that.

Snipers

With superior footwork, they attack from a long range with bows. The double team kind, working as pairs with the Rune Knights.

Puppets

Evil marionettes, it’s unknown if they have consciousness. Part of the Monster Corps, they attack swinging swords.

Except they don’t in the final game. They don’t even have swords in the art either, so I’m unsure if that’s a change or an idea that never made it in.

Hell Pierrot

It seems they are not really pierrot, just disguise as such. Those who are fooled and approach them carelessly end up hurt.

That’s the final JP name for the Dire Clown as well.

Gargoyles

They are statues, but had temporary life breathed into them by magic. Seems not all of them turned into flesh, some parts remain stone.

Cerberos

Guard dogs of hell into a deep sleep in the caves under Alterone. Trained by the Runefaust army.

Worms

Giant mutant earthworms dozens of meters long. Don’t have any senses other than touch.

Dullahans

Headless ghost knights who used to be Rune Knights. No comparison between their power though.

And now a special boy that does get to be screenshotted:

Mimics

Transform immediately as you open them thinking it’s a chest. Their lids grow sharp fangs, and they sprout legs to move.

It’s worth noting that while these guys didn’t make it to any classic game, SF2 does have a mechanic of monsters spawning from chests, we just don’t get to see because the search in battle option was removed in the english version.

To finish the parade of weird creatures, Yogurt is here.

What is this Yogurt creature, after all?

Yogurt, a mysterious characters that shows up around Guardiana and toys with the enemies. No clue if he’s an enemy or an ally, but he certainly has a likeable vibe, you could even call him cute. He’s not docile enough to be raised as a pet, and seems prone to quick mood swings. Does a lot of weird things as he pops up in the adventure. You could say he’s kind of a versatile performer.

Yogurt’s Data

He’s 80 cm tall, weights 10 kg, walks on two feet, while the front paws have atrophied and become small. His main food seems to be berries, but he’s omnivorous. From what’s been observed, he can swim, is fast and has strong jumps. It’s unknown when he started wearing the helmet on his head. No one has seen him take it off either.

Insides:

Tail - Uses it to balance while walking in two feet.

Feet - Way better for jumping than for walking.

Head - On par with humans. Seems to be very intelligent.

Hands - Cannot use tools

Belly - Quite fat but he’s still agile.

There are also doodles of his secret appearances which I’m not gonna translate now. They’re very much just describing his antics.

January 1992

Pink haired Simone appears. Sadly there’s no dialogue screenshots.

Guardiana is already pretty much the final version, only the entrance still seems unfinished, some NPCs are different.

Remember that field battle with different graphics? There’s more of it here, including the map.

It’s horrifyingly large.

Finally, there’s some talk of critical hits being capable of special effects like one-hit KO, but it’s very vague so it might be the magazine staff not knowing this was attached to a specific weapon.

February 1992

Pink Simone is still around, and so are unfinished weapon animations and the old knight battle sprites. Max still shows up with zero MP. Guardiana and the starting maps seems mostly finished with a couple odd spots.

Guardiana castle is full of chickens, and has a gate.

The king’s room has a couple more flags in it.

The Gate of the Ancients now looks like the final version, though battle screenshots still show the indoor background. The starting team is also the final one, with Mae and Gort no longer there.

The Alterone battle shows enemies inside the shops.

The article ends with a recipe for yogurt.

March 1992

The game is released, and I too am released from this long ass post. From here on, every article, ad and official material I’ve seen uses only screenshots from the final version of the game. If that sounds obvious to you, wait for the SF2 post.

Update: ??? 1992 

Joke’s on me, I was not free from the post. I found some old footage, sadly i don’t know which date it is from, but it shouldn’t be too early in production. Simone already has brown hair, the Gate of the Ancients is already outdoors. 

There are still things to note though. Simone still talks of the king of Guardiana in her intro as opposed to the final one. The intro to Chapter 1 is a placeholder text.

Anri’s dad does not have a unique portrait and uses the default king one. Also, the castle still do not have centaur knights, even though their sprite already exists. In the place are not chickens though, and instead some weird placeholders you can see at the top right corner here.

Unlike every other battle scene in this post, the final sword sprites are in, but their animation for Max is still unfinished. Also, having footage we can hear some audio, and while Simone’s theme and the field map theme are in, the town and battle scenes use placeholders from SitD

More importantly,

cat.

Their sprite isn’t exactly the same as the unused ones in the ROM though, as those have the tail up like a properly happy cat. This means these sprites still got further polish before being ultimately scrapped anyway :(