#mini Noor would have a stroke at me now
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Noor realisation hours omg
Stop I just saw a TikTok on ocd and I am in no way self diagnosing but when I was younger I had so many tendencies like religious ocd. I’d always be panicking and doing these excessive repeated behaviours like prayer because I would always feel like I would do it wrong and that it’s always wrong but the most horrible part is that it would look absolutely absurd to the outsider and my parents would laugh and make fun of me while I was in the middle of panicking about me messing up each prayer. I believe the tendency has died down but it’s morphed into other things. I can never describe how horrible and debilitating it was like if I missed group prayer in fajr I would sob and sob and sob so hard prayer was always such a difficult task because of this.
And the fact that now if I miss prayer cause for eg I had uni and my dad would say meh meh meh in the past you would sob if you missed prayer is the most meanest thing to say because how dare you say that past is good I was literally being tortured and YOU were laughing at me as I was sitting there in panic you’re so mean
I think it’s better to miss prayer than to experience that again. It’s like asking would you rather be sick or healthy but late DUH YOU PICK THE HEALTHY BUT LATE OBVIOUSLY
#like I recall I would stand up to pray and I would be shaking because I’m trying to enunciate every syllable perfectly and I get so scared#would say the opposite things or the opposite meaning and I’d be struggling every prayer time AND WE HAVE FIVE PRAYERS A DAY BRUH ���#when people ask me why I’m so nervous all the time about exams it’s because of the common denominator between both these events and more#I’m a raging perfectionist it feels blasphemous it be anything other than perfect at anything at all#which is partly my family’s fault who would constantly harp on about how much of a perfect star child I was but uh I fell off hard#mini Noor would have a stroke at me now#I honestly don’t even feel like I deserve this name to begin with it’s too grand for someone who fell off like me 😭#dora daily#then there’s these intrusive thoughts that never would ever leave me alone#but it’s mostly because of other messed up issues that I experienced which would trigger those intrusive thoughts so truthfully they’re not#fault but it doesn’t help the fact that they happen#I get my parents don’t understand but as a parent when you don’t understand google is free and it’s your responsibility as a parent to use#it*
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Carrying the Moon
Chapter 17
Notes: Mild smut at the beginning but you can skip it.
It had officially been a year since Hero was born, and when Sander woke up that morning, he smiled happily. Being back to live in the house where he grew up had other benefits besides not having to pay the rent. To seek some chill during the hot summer days, he and Robbe no longer had to rely on their old broken fan, in fact, they had all the air conditioning they needed.
He could cuddle his fiance whenever he wanted, and not staying away from him just because even the idea of touching each other made both of them sweat.
He snuggled to Robbe's back, hugging him and kissing his shoulder. He felt the other sigh and draw closer, intertwining their legs together
“Morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning, my king.”
Sander smiled at that name. Every time those words left Robbe's lips, there was always something inside him that felt the need to show off. Maybe it was pride or his possessiveness, or maybe he wanted to prove he deserved that title. He kissed the back of his fiance's neck and slipped a hand under his shirt, stroking his bare abdomen and starting to play with the hem of his boxers.
“You are in a good mood.”
“I'm always in a good mood when I can be with you in the morning.”
Robbe laughed, letting Sander take control of the situation. He closed his eyes, sighing, when his fiance slid his boxers to his mid-thigh, letting out a moan as his fist closed around his length.
“Your hands are too cold.”
“Sorry.”
Sander left a kiss on Robbe's shoulder still covered by his shirt and turned to get the lube.
“Can you wear a condom? I don't wanna shower again. We have so many things to do for Hero's birthday party today.”
He got a raised eyebrow and a muffled chuckle, in response. Robbe rolled his eyes, kicking off his boxers.
“Sander, please! I also don't wanna change the sheets. Again.”
Sander finished undressing Robbe completely and pushed him back on the mattress, then placing his hands on his fiance’s knees to make him spread his legs.
“This is not something we have to do, Robbe. Just tell me if you don’t feel like it.”
Robbe blinked, looking his fiance in the eyes. He was still fully clothed, kneeling in front of him, holding his legs open by his knees. He suddenly felt more self-conscious and turned his face to avoid those green eyes that were always too intense.
“Sorry.”
“You don't have to say sorry.”
Sander let go of Robbe’s legs and went to lay down beside him, covering them both with the blanket. He ran his fingers through the other’s curls, trying to catch his gaze.
“We don't have to do anything, but when we make love, it's about you and me and nothing else. Screw the party, the sheets, the shower. I just wanna be with you. I wanna feel you, I wanna take my time to make you feel good, feel loved. That’s what matters to me, okay?”
Robbe nodded, stroking Sander's cheek. Sometimes it was easy to get lost in the routine. Forget that the two of them were sharing their life because they loved each other more than anything, and not because they were in the midst of that chaos together by chance. They had chosen to be together in the midst of that chaos. They were in the foreground, the rest was just background noise. Robbe felt incredibly lucky, at that moment, to be loved by someone like Sander, who was able to keep focusing on him, even when the noise surrounding them was damn loud.
He took off his fiance's shirt and dragged him on top of himself, kissing his lips with all the emotion he was feeling at that time. Robbe needed to be one with Sander, the rest was just rust and stardust.
*
Sander was still breathing heavily as he pressed kisses to Robbe's face, who was keeping his eyes closed, smiling slightly, just enjoying that sweet touch. Sander liked to devote himself completely to his fiance, after making love. He knew that Robbe felt particularly vulnerable and he didn’t want him, in any way, to feel bad after doing something so beautiful together.
“Can I run you a bath?”
“It's not my birthday.”
“That’s why I’m not joining you.”
Robbe smiled, looking the other in the eyes. He took Sander’s face in his hands, drawing it closer to kiss his lips. He felt so blessed to be taken care of that way, even after seven years of relationship.
“C'mon, you’ll take a bath, I change the sheets and then I’ll deal with the birthday boy.”
“I love you so much.”
“Love you too.”
*
When he walked into the living room, he found Alice and Sander sitting on the sofa, while Hero was on the rug, playing with the box of the stuffed animal that Alice had just given him.
“Good morning, Alice!”
“Hey, sweetheart.”
“Dad!”
Hero smiled brightly, as he did every time he saw Robbe enter a room, and lifted the box he was playing with, to proudly show it to his dad. Sander and Alice laughed as Robbe went to sit on the rug next to the baby, making him sit on his lap.
“Happy birthday, baby boy.”
He hugged Hero in his arms and left a kiss in his blond hair. The boy showed him the box again and Robbe shook his head, letting out a chuckle.
“Wow, look at this box! It's so pretty, isn't it?”
“Sander was fascinated by wrapping paper when he was Hero’s age. He was such a weird kid.”
“Ma!”
Sander dramatically hid his face in a pillow, making everyone laugh, including Hero. He put the box aside and aimed his grabby hands towards his papa, calling him to get his attention.
“Can you walk to papa by yourself?”
Robbe helped Hero to stand and the child, staggering slightly, reached Sander, who immediately took him into his arms, kissing his cheek. Alice clapped her hands and approached her nephew to ruffle his hair.
A year ago, Hero had brought so much love into their family. Those who had chosen to welcome him and to see him grow had been rewarded with something ineffable. Robbe met Hero on his very first day on Earth, but he never imagined what he would become for him twelve months later. He didn’t believe, he could feel something stronger and more powerful than what he felt for Sander, but at that moment, he was looking at that little human being for whom he would have given his life without thinking, and he was sure that Sander would have done the same.
*
Hero's birthday party went great. Obviously, he didn't understand why all those people were around him, and he probably could remember less than ten of those, but the little one enjoyed being around adults, so he gladly joined the overall fuss.
Robbe's mom had also stopped by to say hello, although she left about an hour later. Robbe loved his mother, and his relationship with his father had become less tense after he grew up, but he often felt much more at ease with Sander's family than his own, so he couldn't wait to officially become part of it.
When Jens and Lucas arrived, Hero's face lit up, and he had spent most of the party glued to them.
*
As the guests began to leave, Robbe started to tidy up the living room, while Sander disappeared into the kitchen trying to give away some of the leftovers to the guests.
Robbe took a tray of mini sandwiches and headed for the kitchen, but stopped when he overheard his name being mentioned in a conversation that was taking place between his fiance and his cousin Olivia.
“You can't raise Hero with Robbe. He needs a mother, he needs a mother's touch. Two parents who can give him the best life.”
Robbe wasn’t surprised by the woman's words. He knew many people were of the same opinion. Two men can't raise a child and things like that. He had asked himself that question so many times before, but Hero was happy, growing up exactly like the other children, maybe even better than many of them because he had two parents who loved him, and he didn't care what gender they were.
He stayed there, waiting for his fiance‘s comeback.
“I agree with you.”
Sander's words hit him like a slap in the face. He hurried away, placing the tray on the first available surface, and went to lock himself in Hero's room.
The baby was laying asleep in his crib, with a peaceful expression on his face. Robbe picked him up, trying not to wake him, and sat down in the rocking chair, closing his eyes.
That baby was his son, but Sander had the power to take it away from him if he just wanted to. He felt like he was living a nightmare. They had talked about it so many times.
They planned to sign the adoption papers together, once they got married, as soon as Robbe turned 25. It was just a year away, but apparently, Sander had changed his mind. Now he could explain all the strange behaviors of his fiance. The reason he always kept his phone hidden. Since he'd noticed it while they were at the beach house, he couldn't help but observe the way Sander kept doing it even if he said that there was nothing to worry about.
But then again, Sander was so handsome that even if Noor hadn't been chosen to become Hero's mother, he'd only have to snap his fingers to find as many women as he wanted, willing to raise a child. Maybe Sander was tired of being with a man, or maybe he just realized he didn't want to raise Hero anymore and he would let Charlotte take him back.
All those thoughts seemed equally valid to him, and the conclusion was always the same. Robbe would end up giving up on his baby. Those were probably the last moments they spent together.
He felt his throat close and a sob escaping his lips and he began to cry, holding Hero in his arms.
*
Robbe didn't know how long it had been since he had taken shelter in the nursery, but the guests must have all left because there was no sound from the house. The chaos of thoughts in his head had made him lose track of time, even though the weight and heat of Hero on his chest had made him relax a bit.
Sander opened the door slowly and smiled, seeing Robbe and Hero together in the rocking chair.
“Hey, what are you doing here? I thought he was sleeping already.”
He approached his fiance to stroke his cheek, but the other turned his head quickly to avoid his hand.
“Don't touch me.”
“Robbe, what's wrong?”
“I wanna stay alone with him.”
Sander frowned, not understanding what was happening. The party had gone well and the last time he saw Robbe, he was happy. But at the moment his mood was completely different, and it didn't seem to be something generic. He just was angry with him.
“Can you tell me what’s happening?”
Robbe avoided his gaze, as the tears began to fall on his cheeks, and Sander wanted to hug him, comfort him in some way, but he decided to respect his fiance's request. He knelt in front of the rocking chair and looked at Robbe trying to understand what was going on.
“Robbe, please. It hurts me to see you like this.”
Still, no answer as the tears kept flowing silently. Robbe clutched Hero to his chest as if his life depended on him, and Sander was increasingly heartbroken. Maybe one of the guests had said something, or maybe Olivia herself had tried to make the same speech, she had started with him before Sander kicked her out. He wanted to talk about it but he knew Robbe and he probably wasn't ready to do it yet.
“Can you at least go to sleep in our bed? I'll get the couch.”
Sander closed his eyes, sighing and went to sit at the foot of Hero's crib, leaning his back against the bars. He could wait there in silence for Robbe to come back to him for all his life if he had to.
“I'll stay here on the floor, just tell me when you're ready to talk.”
*
“Do you think someone like Noor would be a better parent than me?”
It was late at night when Robbe's voice finally reached his ears, tired and distant as a mirage. He almost thought he had imagined it, but that conversation was too important to risk not answering. He sat up a little more straight. He tried to focus on the words he'd just heard, and when Noor's name came up again, Sander rubbed his temples.
He had often gotten his head stuck on a topic, but not like that, not after discussing it again, again, and again. Sander had tried in every way to reassure Robbe, to give him all his love, but apparently, it hadn't worked.
“What are you talking about, Robbe? And why you keep mentioning her?”
“You told your cousin that Hero needs a mother.”
“I- What?”
“I heard you saying that you agreed with her.”
It was Oliva and her stupid speech’s fault. That woman and her retrograde mindset would never set foot around his family again. He had sworn it to himself even before he knew Robbe was suffering like that.
“Are you kidding me, Robbe? I told her that I agreed with her, because of course Hero needs to be raised by someone who can love and take care of him in the best way, and that’s exactly what you and I are doing. I told her to fuck off!”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, I'm deadly serious.”
Robbe blinked a couple of times, looking at his fiance. He suddenly felt more awake and stupid because he could have talked to Sander right away instead of bottling everything up while imagining hypothetical apocalyptic scenarios.
“I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening with me lately.”
Sander stood up, taking Hero from Robbe's arms, carrying him back to his crib. He covered him with his blanket and kissed his forehead. When he turned back, his fiance fell into his arms, and he smiled, running his fingers through his hair.
“I know what’s happening, and it’s my fault. Remember when I told you that I wasn’t texting anyone? I lied. I was texting Charlotte. I missed her, and I don’t know, I just did it.”
“Baby, why you didn't tell me?”
Robbe lifted his face starring at his fiance with those beautiful doe eyes. Sander brushed a lock of hair from his forehead and sighed.
“I was afraid you’d get upset. But there’s no need to. She has never started a conversation. It's like texting a stranger.”
“I'm sorry.”
Sander wrapped his arms around the other’s waist and hid his face against his neck. He kept making the same mistake, hiding things from Robbe fearing his reaction, and when in the end, forced by events, he had to tell him, he had always received understanding in return, feeling himself immediately better. Communication was everything, and he often tended to forget about it.
“We need to stop hiding things from each other. We’re getting married and we have Hero, who can feel if something is off between us.”
“And you need to stop deciding what’s best for me without asking, or I’ll get seriously mad next time.”
Sander nodded, without moving his head from Robbe's shoulder, swearing to himself that he would work on what was perhaps his worst flaw. He didn’t want to lose his fiance again, by making the same mistake once more.
“Can we go to bed now?”
“Yeah, my back is killing me and I can't wait to get some sleep.”
“Same. We're too old for this shit.”
They both laughed, but when in the darkness of the room, they heard Hero's voice calling them, both of them quickly understood that they probably wouldn't go to sleep as fast as they hoped.
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#wtfock#robbe ijzermans#sander driesen#robbe x sander#rosander#sobbe#drijzermans#carrying the moon#chapter 17
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