#I’m a raging perfectionist it feels blasphemous it be anything other than perfect at anything at all

[kavehayati]

Noor realisation hours omg

Stop I just saw a TikTok on ocd and I am in no way self diagnosing but when I was younger I had so many tendencies like religious ocd. I’d always be panicking and doing these excessive repeated behaviours like prayer because I would always feel like I would do it wrong and that it’s always wrong but the most horrible part is that it would look absolutely absurd to the outsider and my parents would laugh and make fun of me while I was in the middle of panicking about me messing up each prayer. I believe the tendency has died down but it’s morphed into other things. I can never describe how horrible and debilitating it was like if I missed group prayer in fajr I would sob and sob and sob so hard prayer was always such a difficult task because of this.

And the fact that now if I miss prayer cause for eg I had uni and my dad would say meh meh meh in the past you would sob if you missed prayer is the most meanest thing to say because how dare you say that past is good I was literally being tortured and YOU were laughing at me as I was sitting there in panic you’re so mean

I think it’s better to miss prayer than to experience that again. It’s like asking would you rather be sick or healthy but late DUH YOU PICK THE HEALTHY BUT LATE OBVIOUSLY