#might post more experimental garbage if i feel like it

[whaliiwatching]

burn baby burn

[fibula-rasa]

Watch More Movies Notebook: September ‘24

(and a few things from August because I didn’t have the time to update last month!)

This month's blog journal features two contenders for best new-to-me films of the year (from Argentina and Brazil respectively), a handful of Depression-era shorts that range from absurdist comedy to Jungian fable to psychological actuality, plus one for the Sad Clown Hall of Fame (I've decided that's a real thing). Also included: a round up of recent posts and a preview of what's coming up this month.

Favorite New-to-me Films of the Month

(listed in order pictured above, L to R)

As always, if any other films catch your eye, but you need specific content/trigger warnings, feel free to ask and I’ll try to oblige!

READ on BELOW the JUMP!

I, the Worst of All / Yo, la peor de todas (1990)

[letterboxd | imdb | kanopy (US)]

María Luisa Bemberg’s film adaptation of Octavio Paz’s study of the life and work of Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz. Sor Juana was a 17th century polymath from (what is now) Mexico and the film recounts her struggles to continue her work and her relationship with the vicereine of New Spain.

This is easily one of my favorite new-to-me movies of the year so far. Biopics often feel formally stodgy to me, but Bemberg’s film is highly visual and plays with time, space, and symbolism, revealing emotional truths in ways that avoid going artificially melodramatic. The relationship between Sor Juana and the vicereine unfolds beautifully and both actresses, Assumpta Serna and Dominique Sanda, are fantastic. I would recommend checking this one out even if you haven’t read any of Sor Juana’s work—in fact, watching this movie will likely motivate you to get reading! 

——— ——— ———

La cartomancienne (1932)

[letterboxd | imdb]

An experimental short about a lovelorn young woman seeking advice from a fortune teller. Jerome Hill’s first directorial outing is a Jungian fable peppered with references to supernatural folk beliefs. It’s evocatively constructed and has a great rhythm to it (paired with Hill’s original score). It’s a real gem!

——— ——— ———

Little Geezer (1932)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Theodore Huff took a mess of New Jersey ragamuffins, dressed them up as grown ups, had them act out half-remembered scenes from pre-code crime movies, and gave us the gift of Little Geezer. I found it genuinely funny, but, even if you don’t vibe with Huff’s sense of humour, you might get a kick out of how clearly the kids enjoyed playing gangsters or the shocking novelty of the kids smoking, drinking, carrying tommy guns, etc. Greta Garbage’s impression of Garbo was surprisingly great though??? Might not recommend this one as freely as the two above as Huff so densely packed Geezer with references you may need to have seen all of the movies referenced to pick up what Huff is putting down.

——— ——— ———

The City (1939)

[letterboxd | imdb]

A short, five-part documentary about American city planning produced for the New York World’s Fair of 1939 might be a hard sell for some, but with its truly outstanding creative team, The City is more compelling viewing than you might assume! The City was conceived by housing advocate Catherine Bauer, written by documentarian Pare Lorentz (The Plow that Broke the Plains) and Lewis Mumford, directed by Ralph Steiner (H2O, Mechanical Principles, Surf and Seaweed) and future MoMA director Willard Van Dyke (Hands), assisted by Henwar Rodakiewicz (Portrait of a Young Man in Three Movements), and scored by Aaron Copland. I might have some personal bias here as I grew up in NJ and have lived in New York and Pittsburgh, but as a modern viewer, I found The City to be an interesting window into the past.

——— ——— ———

White Paradise / Bílý ráj (1924)

[letterboxd | imdb | Watch at Národní filmový archiv]

Looks like Christmas X Criminals also has a tradition outside of the English-speaking world! Anny Ondra plays Nina, a whimsical young orphan under the guardianship of a nasty tavern keeper. On Christmas Eve, Ivan, a man framed for a crime against Nina’s parents, escapes prison to spend one last holiday with his ailing mother. Together, Ivan and Nina with the aid of a travelling puppeteer uncover the true bandit, exonerating Ivan and freeing Nina.

Bílý ráj is a charming film shot on location in the Šumava forest in Bohemia. Don’t be put off by the overly literal English translation of the title, the connotations are off by modern standards! This will be a solid recommendation for the coming winter months and I’m thinking about putting together a little list of some of the best Christmas X Criminals movies out there. If you have any underappreciated/underseen instances of the trope please suggest them to me! Bonus: it has a wonderful poster!

——— ——— ———

Seeing the World, Part One: A Visit to New York, N.Y. (1937)

[letterboxd | imdb]

This cheeky short by Rudy Burckhardt is a mock travelogue about visiting New York City. Referencing both Traveltalks shorts and the city symphony films, Burckhardt playfully jumbles genres and the film’s acerbity doesn’t overstay its welcome with a ~10 minute runtime. Also, Seeing the World features Joseph Cotten’s first screen role!

——— ——— ———

The Golden Clown / Klovnen (1926)

[letterboxd | imdb]

The great Gösta Ekman turns in one of the best silent film performances I’ve ever seen in this. Ekman plays Joe Higgins, a talented young clown in a travelling circus. Joe is in love with Daisy, the stunt rider and daughter of the circus’ owners. A twist of fate results in Joe becoming a top performer, headlining his own theatrical production in Paris. Unfortunately, Joe becomes a workaholic and Daisy gets romanced on the side by a caddish fashion designer. Both of their lives fall apart after they decide to divorce. A.W. Sandberg does a phenomenal job of heightening personal tragedy to an epic scale. I was astounded at how smoothly Ekman performed twenty years worth of aging in two hours. As much as I enjoyed this film (and cried over the finale), it did leave me wondering if they make movies about happy clowns? CW/TW for suicide.

——— ——— ———

April Fool (1924)

[letterboxd | imdb]

An occasional habit of mine is to watch silent comedy shorts during my lunch break. One afternoon this month, I watched three Charley Chase/Jimmy Jump shorts. They were all winners, but April Fool was my favorite. On the first of April,  Jimmy Jump gets blindsided by pranks when he arrives at work. Jimmy swears he won’t get pranked again and makes a bet with his coworker (Noah Young). Chaos ensues. The other shorts I watched, Publicity Pays (1924) and A Ten-Minute Egg (1924), were also good, though not as tightly constructed. Publicity Pays features an especially sweet and well-behaved monkey BTW.

——— ——— ———

Footnote to Fact (1933)

[letterboxd | imdb]

A harrowing short by Lewis Jacobs documenting The Great Depression in New York City. Originally intended to be part of a series that wasn’t completed, Footnote to Fact survived on its own (thanks to Anthology Film Archives) as a stream-of-consciousness rhythmic portrait of the quotidian horror of the Depression. Honestly, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this earlier, but I’m glad to have finally remedied that.  Worth checking out, if you’re in a place to handle it. TW/CW for suicide and depictions of real dead animals (in a butcher window).

——— ——— ———

The Hole in the Wall (1929)

[letterboxd | imdb]

After a major train accident, The Fox (Edward G. Robinson) and his crew are forced to rework their phony psychic scheme. When Jean (Claudette Colbert) knocks on their door, fresh off a prison sentence for a crime she didn’t commit, she takes on the role of their faux medium. Jean has her own revenge plot in mind: kidnapping the granddaughter of the rich woman who framed her. 

I came across this movie when reading about Robert Florey’s feature films and I’m glad I did—as a big fan of both Robinson and Colbert. Robinson doesn’t have all that much to do in the movie, but he’s very charming in it. Colbert gets the most to do with the conflicted Jean—a woman who chooses a life of crime only after a life of crime was chosen for her. But, the real reason this overlooked pre-code made this list is that the climax of the film was such a shock to me! I won’t give it away in case you decide to check it out yourself, but I never anticipated that!

——— ——— ———

Quilombo (1984)

[letterboxd | imdb | kanopy (US)]

I’ve had really great luck working through my watchlist lately. Yo, la peor de todas is certainly on my best new-to-me list for the whole year and so is Quilombo! Quilombo is a fantasticized telling of the true story of Palmares, a free community of escaped slaves in colonial-era Brazil. The film primarily focuses on the events surrounding the fight to remain free of Portuguese authorities while Ganga Zumba and later Zumbi led the settlement. As I’m not Brazilian, this history was largely new to me and it’s been enriching to learn more about it. To me, this film seems like a great entry point. It’s stylish in a meaningful way, has a fantastic soundtrack (which I’ve already listened to twice since watching the film), and the production design, editing, and performances are all super. Also, Quilombo is a film worth studying if you want to see how a filmmaker can artistically condense a large span of time to fit feature length without awkwardly hopping along a timeline of events like a slideshow brought to life.

——— ——— ———

Monthly Round-up

In case you missed it, I spent the better part of the last few months constructing and heavily researching “Cosplay the Classics: Nazimova in Salomé.” There were so many compelling avenues to go down that I split the cosplay into two and a half parts!

Part One: “The Importance of Being Peter” covers Nazimova’s creative decisions in adapting Oscar Wilde’s play for the silent screen—illustrating both her filmmaking techniques and her keen awareness of her core fanbase: young/independent women.

Part Two: “Artists United?” details the struggles Nazimova had in getting Salomé released and finding its audience. This part describes how the American film industry was growing and changing in the early 1920s and how Nazimova’s independent productions fit into (or didn’t fit into) that landscape. I also aimed to complicate the oversimplified narrative of Salomé as a flop by collecting and analysing data surrounding its release in comparison to her Metro films.

Part Two Point Five (a.k.a. Cosplay the Classics: Post-script) will be up soon. It’s a slightly shorter piece covering Salomé’s place in cinematic Orientalism. Stay tuned!

——— ——— ———

Since the last notebook installment, I made themed gif/still sets for:

The Golden Clown (1926)

Salvation Hunters (1925)

(which I talked about in the last installment of WMM Notebook)

Danse Macabre (1922)

Yo, la peor de todas (1990)

A Day in Santa Fe (1931)

(which I talked about in the last installment of WMM Notebook)

I also made some gifs of my Salomé cosplay, because I was so pleased with how the wig turned out I needed to show it in motion!

——— ——— ———

In addition to the follow-up to “CtC: Salomé,” I’m working on a quick how-to rundown of the cosplay, in case you need some Halloween inspiration! 

I’ve also got a slate of spooky-season appropriate gifs/stills to post here on tumblr for October. 

Until next time, Happy Halloween and Happy viewing!

——— ——— ———

☕Appreciate my work? Buy me a coffee! ☕

[onewomancitadel]

I have seen a lot of comments recently saying, why would people AI generate fanfic? You write it because of passion, you literally don't have to do it and other than experimentation (which I think should be completely tagged/admitted to, if shared at all, but honestly there's nothing special about it, it's like playing with a Magic 8-Ball) the real answer is because - and this will be especially true once generative AI becomes sufficiently advanced enough - cheaters feel that the endproduct already belongs to them.

It doesn't matter how small a goal it is, there are people who feel that if it's within their reach, they just deserve it a little faster. Whether it's academic plagiarism or sports (or e-sports) or writing itself as a creative hobby, cheaters have an understandable psychology because they don't think of themselves as morally deficient or questionable in some way. It's very fair to them because they feel they're owed doing well in school or getting a faster time or being a good writer. They could do it, but why not just... make it happen quicker?

You'll notice that with creative hobbies in particular, people feel very embarrassed sharing their writing and trying to develop their skill. A lot of people view this process as being painful, as being indicative of something personally deficient with them, as embarrassing, as a not requisite part of the writing process - some people are just born good writers! Natural talent. Writing isn't viewed as a process that you go through, as an expressive channel, as something which is wholly unique because of who you are as a person. This is partly a commercial idea, of course; you want to become a good writer so you can be published, and people can see you and buy your books, and yeah, even amongst people who recognise writing as a creative hobby still by and large view this as the endgoal. There's probably a Marxist critique in here somewhere, of course, but I don't really want to get into it.

What the person who uses AI-generated tools to generate a fanfic (and who doesn't want to admit to it) thinks is that they think that even a scrambled output deserves to be posted by them. They probably even like people wondering if it's AI-generated - never doubt the potential of a troll. They want the views, they want the kudos, they want the comments, they want the attention. They already feel it belongs to them. So if you're wondering why someone would bother to fuck around like this with fanworks, that is why. Arguably the lower bar to entry with fanworks is just more incentive.

Of course if you asked the average fanfic author why they post their works, it has nothing to do with views or kudos or comments. It comes from a place of passion and engagement. That's why even the worst fanfic writers are admirable as they develop their skills and that's why if you feel that you're a bad writer, you should keep writing and you should keep posting so people can see the work you're doing.

It's probably doomer of me to say that generative AI scraping fanworks is inevitable, is already happening, and people will use those tools to regurgitate garbage - we may even reach a point where we won't be able to tell something is generated compared to the worst possible thing a human could write, that might plausibly pass as something coherent. At the end of the day it's going to be up to readers to decide what they want to read. What do we do if they decide they like AI generated fanworks better? These are actual questions to consider.

If you ask me, I won't stop writing because of it. I won't stop writing if they scrape my works because I don't write for other people. I write as an expressive and communicative tool. I think it's very likely that once generative AI has sufficiently advanced enough, most creatives in the book publishing industry will lose what slim chances there are currently. The problem is not solely AI; the problem is perverse markets and incentives. It is inevitable that profit incentives will kill art. It depends whether it's slow or quick. I don't think you can leave materialist analysis out of this, honestly. The WGA Strikes will definitely decide part of the cultural conversation surrounding screenwriting and generative AI, but if you ask me it will only stem the tide for a bit.

People will say that generative AI is just another tool to be used, but let's be truthful about this creatively. It's not the same as corporate busywork. The mentality of the 'cheater' applies, and it will apply. People will be afraid of being bad writers. People are afraid of being bad writers. The pain will be outsourced. It is near-inevitable. On the reader end? I don't want to read generated works because the point of reading, to me, is human connection and artistic expression - foibles and all.

It is a shame that once, what made fanfic ideologically distinct was that it was absent profit and perverse incentives. It only existed as a product of passion - for good or ill. I don't think this is true anymore. I'm not really sure what to do with that. Sorry. I'm not sure how to end this post either. It feels weird.

I do think it's funny that Dune, of all sci-fi AI concepts, probably got its commentary closest. Letting machines do the creative, emotional thinking for you might've actually been a bad thing. I think we should probably leave Muad'Dib at the door, though.

[jaaankiey]

What do you like most in your writings about Pin and/or Leafy? Tropes, Settings, Cliches, Et Cet R Uh.

god therfe is too much for me to say (without sounding utterly garbage brainrot vomit on a tumblr post)

how do i evne start? also a mystery, anon. i might as well put this under some kind of cut

i think in some earlier ramblings, i might haaave touched upon smth like this on my own because god knows i have the Most Specific, Unknown Headcanons known to Humankind (tm).

ig what I liked abt both Leafy and Pin from the canon materials is that their actions had potential to be more gray on the morality compass? Thinking specifically abt Leafy trying to steal Dream Island (which, to my head, registers as "you know what? she can commit crimes"). Also when Pin apparently tries to murk Leafy that other time about it (which, to my very single organism brain, registers as "yknow what, she can also be capable of coldblooded murder").

also enemies to lovers moment. It's not my top tier favorite (I'm kind of soft and like friends to lovers) but it can hit so hard if written well!! i wish i may have included it a bit more, but i'm a little rusty on my BFDI lore (gotta make room for the EXPANSIVE warrior cats lore i contain) so i might have ended up... forgetting that part oops. i'm not too mad about it and i do my best to kind of recreate that friction when the plot calls for it. yes, girlies so deeply in love but they're kind of so stubborn in their ways that when they butt heads, it can be pretty intense.

other tropes? i'd say the way i write Pin is in the sameish vein as that yandere trope/cliche but it's not something I've type out loud. Personally, I think it's too strong of a word but she's somewhere in that... shakes hands at area, ya feel? Also, I kind of want to leave it up to whoever reads my leafpin stuff for interpretation. If anybody thinks she's unhinged enough to be dubbed a yandere, go for it (it tells me I'm writing her right). I still keep her canon traits but maybe dial them up to 12. She's a prideful, egotistical, power-hungry manic that really shouldn't be left in charge of anything and that's the way I like 'em.

Leafy is uh VERY experimental when I write her and I think that's the coolest part of my edition of her in writing. I'm very familiar with stuff like passive aggressiveness which is often meanness coated in sugar and it's the biggest thing I rlly like writing about her. It LOOKS like she cares but, unless ur Pin, she puts her own needs first. Her character in my writings is more about building up social trust to the point where others look at her and say "Oh! Leafy wouldn't EVER do that" when she very well can. It can allow her to do things that can be swept under the rug bc she would be the last suspect. Kinda a wild card and even though she's maybe not as physical as someone like Pin, she can still ruin someone just as easily.

Tbh, I haven't settled on settings, anon. Don't tell anyone 💀

I have more thoughts but like STARES AT THIS ANSWER. I did not mean to lITERALLY POST AN ESSAY SORRY ANON. the brainrot was too powerful.

[zaidirfan-ocadu-graphicdesign4]

89 | February 22nd, 2024

I feel that, throughout this term, I have been so invested in research (with the belief that it provides the necessary depth to give an outcome meaning) that I have not spent enough time with what I actually want to make. I am someone who, more often than not, needs to put things into writing, otherwise they end up just floating around in the aether of my mind. As such, I would like to provide myself with a concrete idea of what I want to make (physically). I also want to provide myself with an idea of the possible pitfalls and such of any given idea. 3D: A gray area, truly... I honestly don't know what I want to do for this! 4D: It's something I have been eager to learn and use for a while now, but I want to make a 3D website experience (ideally first person) using either three.js or Spline. The latter is, however, much easier to use, and thus the better option for me. It also has its own game controls functionality, meaning you can effectively make a video game experience in spline. As for the thing I would make, I would likely depict "memory" as a physical, perhaps (but not necessarily) humanoid being. I feel the medium just lends itself to this, although I would need to ideate a ton to figure out what it would look like. Experimental: I have already gotten to work on it, but I want to make an experimental, animated "typeface" (will most likely end up being display type, used in rare cases). Given that the outcomes would be GIFs, I would likely need to put them on a website to give an easier viewing experience. The biggest questions, though, are whether I would be publishing the typeface somewhere, or if I would be just providing a prototype/preview of it. I also need to clarify the technique for making the letterforms, although I do know I will be using india ink primarily, as it allows for much more movement. Content-wise, I am kind of proceeding from the idea of memory as being a "temporal anomaly," a being in itself with its own biases of what is significant and what is not, as well as one that is capable of merging the past, present, and future. I thus want to create letterforms with a kind of "organic" movement. I have gotten at this with the garbage bag idea (posts 77-78). Reflective: For my reflective piece, I want to do tattoo designs that portray my term-long process/development. I have mentioned making my own ink, and I think this could be a good opportunity to do so. I could just buy antique fabric of some kind to pair with it, but I think it would be better to make my own by using the same fabric I have used, and just drenching it in coffee and then straining it... The article I read that talked about blackwork also described a similar technique. In any event, I think what is missing is the content (kind of?) It might be interesting to base specific tattoos of certain posts in this blog (ie. the writing initiatives), but I also want to portray a kind of development with respect to my mindset and emotions. I feel the writing initiatives don't often do these things enough justice, although it can be argued that one example of a development was going from research-based methods to more subjective ones.

[aphrodite-made-me-write-it]

5 Times You Fell For Natasha & The One Time Natasha Falls

(A/N) hi im new to writing imagines and im currently writing a very long wonder woman/diana prince imagine that i might post so i posted this instead to see if anyone would read my garbage its over 20 pages already

Rating: Mature

Warning(s): Mentions of torture, mentions of child experimentations, heavy past-trauma themes, gay panics, ye olde im-in-love-with-my-best-friend trope, overused 5+1 trope

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x F!Reader

Word Count: 5,828

Synopsis: As the newest Avenger, you find yourself becoming best friends with the Black Widow. Your bond is unlike most, and it isn’t long before you begin questioning your feelings for her. AKA the 5+1 fic we’ve all read before but I’m doing it anyway

i

Of all the Avengers you expected to get along with, Natasha Romanoff was certainly far from the top of the list. You knew enough about her to assume she’d be cold, distant, and while she can be those things, she’s also so much more. She is, obviously, smart and beautiful, but she’s also funny and loyal and she cares so much more than she shows.

It didn’t take long, much to your surprise, for you and Natasha to become something like best friends. Despite your prior convictions, you find that you share a lot in common with the ex-assassin. You suppose you shouldn’t have been so judgemental at first, seeing as you, too, were forced into becoming something deadly and dangerous. 

What surprises you most about her, however, is just how soft she can be.

Your mission had been long and tedious. You’re exhausted the whole way home, dreading the thought of the others all waiting for you to return. However, rather than having all of the team welcome you home, somehow, Natasha had gotten the Tower cleared out. Just you, your best friend, some wine, and, to top it all off, she’s put on that movie she knows you love.

After cleaning yourself up, and after Natasha is satisfied that you aren’t fatally injured, you both settle onto the sofa underneath a fluffy blanket. She was always more touchy with you than the others - maybe it’s just because of how close you’ve become, or because you’re also a woman - and so it doesn’t surprise you when she ends up curled against you.

“You’re so warm,” she sighs, and you chuckle.

“Fire powers, remember? Human space-heater.” 

“How was the mission?”

You sigh slowly, your arm winding between her back and the couch so that you’re both more comfortable. “Carson got the files. No sign of- ah, of him.”

Her hand lands on your thigh, squeezing comfortingly as she sips her wine. “We’ll find him.”

The finality in her voice, and the sincere concern in her emerald eyes, are enough to make you believe her.

You settle into light conversation as the movie plays in the background, Natasha filling you in on the latest trouble the boys got into. Apparently, Tony made Peter a real hoverboard. So far, his lessons have gone incredibly poorly, and that’s why there’s a new dining table.

In the dim lighting of the tv, you realize with quite a start how lovely Natasha is. That’s not to say you didn’t find her pretty before - she’s gorgeous - but there’s something shifting inside you. She’d set aside her entire evening to plan this for you, to welcome you home in a way that wouldn’t be grating on the system or nerves. Everyone wants the Serpent dead - or, at the very least, in custody - and everyone is well-aware of what he’d done to you. What he turned you into.

And to save you from the inevitably stressful conversations, Natasha kicked everyone out so you’d have some alone time with her. Someone she knows you’re comfortable talking to, someone who understands.

Yes, something is changing. Something that simultaneously releases butterflies through your stomach and fills it with a heavy sort of dread.

You’re falling in love with Natasha.

ii

Parties are something you’re still getting used to. At least, the kind that Tony throws, which Natasha promises is not what all parties are like. Once upon a time, you’d attended plenty of Galas as ‘security’ for the Serpent, whose name even you never knew. Those were a far cry from the chaos of Tony Stark’s parties.

So many bodies, all pressed tightly together. It’s too warm, even for your standards, and even if the champagne is free and expensive and the food is delicious, you can already feel your tolerance levels lowering. You’ve been working on your temper, as it’s a direct link to your powers, but when a body shoves into yours every five seconds, it’s a little more difficult. 

Natasha, thankfully, senses your discomfort and is quick to meet you amidst the crowd. She’s in a short, tight black dress that leaves little to your imagination, and you hardly have the time to really appreciate it before she’s pulling you against her, leaning down to speak in your ear.

“Wanna steal some bottles and get on the roof?”

You nod all too eagerly, and the both of you are practically giggling like a bunch of teenagers as you snatch two bottles of champagne and two plates of food. Nobody seems to pay any mind, though you think Clint nodded at you as you passed him on your way to the elevator.

The roof isn’t exactly pretty, but it’s where you told Natasha all about your past and it’s where the both of you come when you can’t sleep - which is another quirk you share. You’ve spent a lot of long evenings up here, watching the sunrise in companionable silence or soft conversation. 

It’s your spot, basically, and so you’re quick to make yourselves comfortable by sitting down on the throw blanket Natasha had somehow snatched from one of the hallway closets without your noticing. You simply pass the champagne bottle back and forth, making fun of Tony’s latest attempt at setting Steve up and Bucky’s over-the-top reaction.

“I’m not sure what Bucky’s waiting for,” Natasha sighs, leaning further on her right arm so that she’s leaning closer to you. She’s nearly laying down, with how she has to sit without her dress hiking up. “He should just grow a set and tell Steve he’s in love with him.”

“It’s not nearly so simple, Agent Romanoff,” you say matter-of-factly, taking the bottle from her as she passes it.

“Oh? And you’re the expert on unrequited love?” 

The question actually makes you choke on the champagne; the alcohol stings your nose and waters your eyes as you sputter. “What? Unrequited-?” 

“I’m just saying,” Natasha drawls with a chuckle as she plucks the champagne from your hand. “You haven’t really had much experience.”

You open your mouth to argue, but quickly shut it when you watch Natasha’s tongue running over her lip before she takes a swig. When she hands the bottle back to you, you take a longer gulp than necessary.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” She asks, and this time you’re able to swallow before you make a bigger idiot of yourself.

Your cheeks are burning crimson, though, and despite it being late into the night the city provides plenty of light for Natasha to see how badly you’re blushing. “Uh- well, not- not really, no.”

“Do you want to?”

Is she trying to kill you? “I- I think so?”

“Is it Steve?”

“What?”

“You’re clearly into someone if me asking about unrequited love had you choking. So, who is it?” She leans closer, and you’ve half a mind to tear ass back into the elevator. 

“Nobody,” you have to look away from her intense, calculating gaze. 

“So it is Steve.”

“It’s definitely not Steve.” You take another long gulp of champagne before handing the bottle back over. 

“Bucky?”

“No.” 

“Wanda?”

“You think Wanda is my type?” You fix her with a look and she snorts.

“You don’t even know your type.” She huffs, pushing you lightly on the shoulder. “So… is it a woman, then?”

You puff out a rush of air, fixing the redhead with a pleading expression. “You’re relentless, you know that?”

“I wouldn’t mind!” She smirks. “I’m not exactly straight, either.”

You have to look down to keep her from seeing the blush this time. Please don’t tell me that. “So, what is my type, then?”

There’s a thoughtful hum, low and somewhat musical. When your face no longer feels like it’s burning, you return to watching her. She’s actually thinking about this, you can tell in the concentrated pull of her eyebrows, the narrowing of her eyes. 

“You,” she begins, her lips stretching into a cocky smirk. “You are definitely a bottom. Is it Carol?”

“Whoa, wait, what?” You scoff. “What does that mean?”

“You are a bottom.” She repeats slowly, emptying the last of the bottle into her mouth and releasing it with a pop. 

“Why do I feel offended? Should I feel offended?”

“Of course not,” Natasha laughs. “You’re just submissive.”

“How would you know?” You argue.

To your absolute shock and alarm, Natasha has somehow maneuvered herself until she’s nearly sitting in your lap, one of her hands tilting your chin up so that you’re looking right into her eyes as she leans in close. So close, in fact, that you freeze up entirely, and she’s still moving. 

You barely register the kiss to your cheek until Natasha’s delighted laugh yanks you from your daze, back in the position she’d been in before as if nothing had happened at all.

“That,” she declares, “is how I know.” 

You rub the spot on your cheek she’d kissed with a pout, like a child scorned, and Natasha lets out a crooning aww. “You play dirty, Romanoff,” you mutter, trying to hide just how hard you’re blushing and how damn fast your heart is racing.

“Don’t worry, cherrybomb, you’ll get that first kiss one day.” Natasha winks, and you roll your eyes.

You open the next bottle in silence, taking a few pulls before passing it. “For the record,” you give her a small smile. “It’s definitely not Carol, either.”

She huffs out a small chuckle. “Yeah, I didn’t think she was your type.” She looks out at the city, and you follow her gaze. You hear her drink before feeling the bottle press against your palm. Her fingertips brush against yours, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say she was the one with fire abilities.

Again, you find yourself falling, falling, falling. 

iii

It seems Natasha isn’t the only one interested in your love life. As soon as you let it slip that, given the conditions you were raised in, you didn’t really have any romantic experiences, the onslaught of set-ups began.

At first, Tony was really pushing an agent named Hunter, but that ended rather quickly when you ‘accidentally’ burned a hole in Hunter’s shirt when he tried hitting on you. (Oops.) Then, there was Raymond and Damien and eventually he started throwing women your way.

That’s when you knew something was up. Not that you weren’t aware of his antics prior, but the first woman he sends your way is Sofia - a rather busty redhead who worked as a medic on your last mission.

This party is much more tame compared to what Stark usually throws, and maybe it’s because it’s something like an office party. All of the guests are SHIELD agents, and it takes place in one of the lower levels that had been cleared out for the event.

Unfortunately, that means you have nowhere to run.

It’s obvious why he’d set you up with her. There aren’t many similarities, but the red hair is definitely the biggest - well, red flag, really. She’s pretty, sure, but she’s no Natasha. All this really proves, though, is that Stark knows. 

Or, he knows something. 

“You’re the one the Serpent took as a kid, aren’t you?” Sofia asks, and you clear your throat awkwardly.

“Yeah, that’s, um, me.” It’s a discussion you’ve had with everyone Tony’s tried setting you up with - and just about every agent brave enough to talk to you. 

“Is it true you’ve got pyrokinesis? And super strength?” 

You nearly finish the fruity mixed drink that’s being served on silver platters. “I do.”

Before Sofia can say anything else, however, an arm slides around your waist. At first, you nearly shove away from the person entirely, but as soon as it registers that it’s Natasha pulling you against her side, you relax.

“Hey, beautiful,” Natasha greets you, decidedly ignoring Sofia’s confused expression. 

“Hey yourself,” you respond, blushing as your free hand settles on Natasha’s hip. There’s a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, and it isn’t hard to guess at what she’s playing at. “This is Sofia, I think Tony wanted me to meet her.”

“Stephanie,” Natasha looks at the other redhead with a deceivingly sweet grin. Judging by the sudden discomfort on Sofia’s face, you can only assume she sees right through Natasha’s nice act.

“Er, Sofia,” she corrects.

“Right, sure, thanks for keeping my girlfriend company. Have a nice night.” With this, Natasha guides you away from Sofia to the other side of the room, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say she was rather agitated. 

“Thanks for the save,” you set your glass down on an empty platter and pick up a new drink from another. This one tastes like strawberries and citrus, but you can tell immediately that it’s strong. “Didn’t think you’d be the jealous type.”

At that, Natasha pulls away from you with a snort. “Didn’t know that Stark was turning on you. How many times has he tried setting you up?”

You shrug. “A few. They’re usually easier to ditch, though.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I dunno,” you take a sip of your drink. “Just didn’t think it was important.”

“I could have at least stopped him.” She sighs, then takes a long swig of her own cup. “She was… pretty.”

You watch Tony as he pauses mid-conversation with Bruce to look at you and Natasha. He’s got a stupid shit-eating grin on his face, and you immediately decide you want to punch him in it. “She was okay.”

“Not interested in dating a fellow agent?” 

“Not interested in dating someone who only cares about my past.” You clarify, looking down at your drink. 

Natasha’s free hand finds yours, fingers winding together to give you a small squeeze. “I get that.”

“I know you do,” you look back at her, that all-too familiar fluttering in your stomach back stronger than ever. 

Yeah, you’re definitely in love with her.

iv

When you were first saved by SHIELD, it took weeks for you to regain your ability to somewhat trust again. You were, after all, held in a fireproof cell - not a very good way to welcome someone. After the truth came out about why the Serpent’s secret weapon was a mutated girl, they were quick to ask you to join the Avengers in the hunt to bring him down. They promised protection, safety - promised he’d never get a hold of you again.

Of course, you didn’t believe them at first. It took a long time for you to feel safe again - anywhere, even the Tower. You’d spend long nights laying awake in bed, listening hard for any foreign sounds - which were all sounds, given that you weren’t used to being in the city. You had the worst nightmares, many of which revolved around the Serpent finding you and torturing you. Some were memories of how he turned you into what you are.

Those were always the worst, and thunderstorms always bring them back.

You can almost feel the searing pain of your body coming close to the brink of death, the crackling of lightning in your bones and veins, as you wake up in a cold sweat to the roar of thunder. For a moment, you’re stuck in the memory. You can hear his voice, telling you to be quiet, to be still. You can taste the blood in your mouth, smell the burning of your flesh. You think you hear a scream, and it takes a very long while for you to realize that it’s your own.

Your door opening throws you into a blind panic. You’re tangled in your sheets, and it’s a struggle to move away from the approaching figure. All you can see is him, his menacing glare, his snarling voice-

“(Y/N), it’s me,” but it isn’t him. It’s not him. You have to focus on that as a familiar face comes into view, one that doesn’t make you want to cry and run. 

Natasha doesn’t expect you to throw yourself into her arms, sobbing profusely. Her stiff, startled posture quickly relaxes and her arms wrap around you, pulling you close against her. She’s slightly rocking the both of you, quiet words you don’t understand leaving her lips.

As you calm down, you realize she’s murmuring something in Russian. You knew she was from Russia and that she spoke the language, but you don’t think you’ve ever heard her speak it around you before. 

It’s… nice, even if you don’t understand it. The softness of her tone is pleasant, anchoring you in the wake of your scrambled mind. Even after you’ve stopped crying, she doesn’t let you go, doesn’t stop speaking in that hushed voice.

I love her, you think mournfully. Holy shit, I’m in love with her. 

You pull back just enough to wipe at your wet cheeks, muttering out: “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“I heard you screaming and I was terrified,” Natasha admits quietly. “I thought-” another roll of thunder makes you shudder, and the redhead moves one of her hands from your back to brush your hair behind your ear. “Did you have another nightmare?”

You let out a shaking breath. “It was a memory.”

You hear Natasha sigh, and the next flash of lightning is enough to catch the concerned expression on her face. 

“Do you want to sleep with me?”

The question should not make your mind go right into the gutter. Still, despite the warmth blooming in your belly, you nod. Natasha helps you untangle from your blanket, and while you miss the feeling of her arms around you, it isn’t long before she encourages you to lay back down. 

You’re surprised when you feel a hand on your waist; Natasha is rarely so hesitant to ask you to cuddle. You ease yourself against her, becoming a cozy cocoon of limbs and sheets. She tucks your head under her chin, her hand running small, soothing circles into your back.

“I’m sorry you can’t forget him,” she murmurs so quietly you almost don’t hear her.

Sleepily, you tighten your own hold around her slightly. “It’s okay, Nat. It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours, either,” she reminds lightly. 

Yes, you’re definitely hopelessly in love with her. Well, fuck. 

v

You can almost hear the last thing Natasha said to you before you went out on this mission: “Kick some ass, be home for dinner.” An inside joke that started up rather early on in your friendship. You long to hear that voice again, the separation hitting you harder after your recent revelations about your feelings. To make matters worse, things have gone far south. 

Your worst fear had been correct: the Serpent was looking for you, and he was determined to get you back. Somehow, he managed to ambush you and your squad. After the first month, you lost communications with the Tower, and with SHIELD, leaving you to lead alone. What had once been a two-month mission became three, then four, then six. 

You’re exhausted by the time you’re back on the quinjet, both mentally and physically. The mission wasn’t successful at all; the facility you were supposed to infiltrate was supposed to be unguarded. Either the Serpent knew you were coming, or he was hiding something. He sent wave after wave of his goons after you, keeping you far from the place without the help of the other Avengers. 

It was initially a precaution, when Steve and Fury told the agents to do everything in their power to ensure the Serpent didn’t find you and take you again. Most of the time, you were with Natasha or Steve or even Tony, but this was the first mission they sent you off to on your own, and it’s the first time the Serpent has ever truly come after you. Even in the heat of battle, there was always someone trying to lure you away from the thick of it

You are, honestly, very lucky to be alive right now.

You lost quite a few agents. Several others are injured, the medics working on them quickly for the entirety of the trip home. Home. You want nothing more than to curl up in your own bed and cry.

Your first mission on your own, and you blew it. Badly.

It’s late when you arrive, and you’re damn grateful for it. You’re silent as you limp through the seemingly empty Tower, the wounds on your leg and side finally starting to bother you. Really, your whole body is just sore. You feel like there isn’t a surface on it that isn’t bruised.

Your attempts at taking off your bloodied uniform are futile. You can’t help the quiet grunts of pain as you try to simply unzip your jacket, the sting in your side just too sharp to ignore. 

There’s a soft knock at your door. You almost want to tell them to go away, but decide better of it and tell them to come in.

Natasha has uncharacteristically dark circles under her eyes, but the moment her gaze lands on you, there seems to be a spark of life within them. She breathes out a relieved sigh, shutting the door behind her and approaching you quickly, her eyes scanning all over your face as if she were drinking in every detail.

“They said you might not come back,” she says quietly.

You summon a small, cocky smirk. “Takes a little more than a small army to take me down.”

The redhead says nothing as she pulls you into a tight embrace. You let out a hiss when the contact causes your injuries to flare. Natasha immediately pulls away from you.

“You’re hurt.” She observes.

You shrug. “It’s just a flesh wound.”

“Let me look at it,” she orders, and you blush.

“I- uh, I can’t- really take this off.” You admit shyly.

“Can I-?” Her hand raises towards your jacket, and you nod reluctantly.

You’re embarrassingly flustered by the gentle way Natasha undresses you. It’s not even sexual, you’re just so caught up in the warmth of her gaze. The tenderness of her fingertips as they brush against your skin, careful as she helps you out of your shirt. 

You watch her silently as she looks at your side, then nearly let out a strangled noise of surprise when she starts unbuckling your pants. When you’re just in your bra and underwear, she guides you to your desk chair and urges you to sit. She leaves your room for a few moments before returning with a first aid kit.

She gets to work quickly.

“This is gonna sting,” she warns before pressing something that reeks like chemicals against the wound on your side. You bite your lower lip and try to focus on anything but the way her free hand is balancing itself on the bare thigh of your uninjured leg. Once the blood is cleared away, she clicks her tongue. “It doesn’t need stitches, at least. Why didn’t you get these checked out on the quinjet?”

“I got the least of it,” you mumble, looking away from her. 

As she applies bandaging to the wound, Natasha shakes her head disapprovingly. “Nope, you aren’t going to start thinking like that.”

“People died, Tash. To keep him from taking me.” You clench your fists at your sides as Natasha starts disinfecting your leg.

“And you are not to blame for that.” Her tone gives little room for argument, but still, you press on:

“If I was with anyone else - if anything happened to someone I knew - because of me, I don’t know what I’d-”

“(Y/N).” Natasha’s firm voice forces you to look back up at her. “I don’t know what I’d do if he got to you.”

“They died for nothing, Nat,” you whisper, unable to keep the tears from swelling in your eyes. 

“They didn’t die for nothing,” Natasha’s hands go still. “You aren’t nothing.”

You fall silent after that, letting Natasha work on your leg. This one doesn’t need stitches either, but it’s deep. You’re usually a quick healer, anyway - though not instantaneously like most superpowered humans. Natasha takes great care in wrapping it up, though, and you feel like she’s taking a bit longer to treat this one than the first.

When she’s satisfied, she doesn’t move from her position. She had gotten on her knees to work on your leg, and now she’s just… quiet. You know her well enough by now to know that she’s working out a way to ask you something - or to say something.

“I was so fucking scared that I’d never see you again,” she murmurs, finally looking back up at you. 

Your heart stammers in your chest at the intensity of those dark green eyes. “Sorry I was late for dinner,” you say to try and ease the sudden tension. 

She inhales sharply, and you don’t know how to process the wetness rising in her eyes. You’ve never seen her cry before. Not once. “When they said they lost comms, I really thought-”

“Hey,” you place a hand on her shoulder. “I’m back, right? I’m okay.”

There’s a wet sniffle, and Natasha blinks her tears back. “Yeah,” she smiles, “you’re back.”

Despite the shimmering tears threatening to fall, and despite the obvious tiredness in her eyes, Natasha looks breath-taking. You didn’t realize just how much you missed her face until now, and you try to memorize every detail. Her pouty lips, her soft and delicate features that hide the danger of the Black Widow. Those emerald eyes you hadn’t stopped thinking about for the entirety of the past six months.

Maybe it’s the exhaustion, or maybe it’s just how heavily the thought has been on your mind for so long, or perhaps it’s a combination of the two. You just can’t help saying it out loud, so quietly you almost hope Natasha hadn’t heard it: “I’m so in love with you.”

There’s a blink of surprise, and your stomach drops. Why did you say that? You’re ready to spew out some kind of shitty cover that wouldn’t have made any sense when Natasha’s response stuns you into silence.

“It’s about damn time.”

And then her lips are on yours.

You definitely didn’t think kissing would be all it’s cracked up to be, but once you get over the initial shock you eagerly melt into the sensation of Natasha’s lips moving against your own. She’s slow, patient as she guides you. One of her hands is cupping your jaw, the thumb smoothing over your skin as her other hand grabs one of your own. She places it on her waist, and you quickly move your other hand to curl into her hair.

You feel something blossoming inside you, warm and brilliant as a summer day.

When Natasha pulls away, you’re breathless and she’s wearing such a soft, tender smile. “You sure you haven’t done that before?”

You huff out a laugh. “Didn’t think it would ever feel like that.”

“Is that a good thing?” Her free hand brushes your hair out of your face, tucking it gently behind your ear. 

“Definitely wouldn’t complain about doing it again.”

Natasha laughs before pressing another kiss to your lips. “For the record, I’ve been in love with you for the past year.”

“Oh,” you blush. “Uh- sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” her smile turns wicked, a challenging spark in her gaze. “I just mean we have a lot of time to make up for.”

+1

“Hang in there, kid,” Tony encourages as another wave of bullets rains down on your cover. Raiding the facility again meant bringing backup, and backup meant taking care of the bigger waves of idiots so that you, Tony and a few others could get a head-start. Unfortunately, you’d been cornered on the roof. You flinch at the booming voice calling from somewhere beyond.

“You had nothing until I found you! You were an orphan. Your parents didn’t even want you! I made you powerful,” there’s a blast as an explosive is thrown too close to where you’d hunkered down. “I gave you a gift,” he continues, and then there’s a brief silence. “And this is how you repay me?”

Your anger flares, sharp and sudden. You stand up from behind the vent as soon as you hear the telltale clicks of an empty barrel. Your fists are consumed by flames, and suddenly everything comes bubbling to the surface: your rage, your hurt, your anger, your loss.

“You made me a monster,” you snarl. “You stole me and you turned me into a monster.”

His smile is cruel, merciless. “You’re pathetic. You were always weak.”

With this, you finally snap and launch yourself at him. Your fire knocks him back several feet, and he cracks his knuckles, which are beginning to turn a strange red. 

“You aren’t the only one with tricks up her sleeve, sweetheart,” the Serpent sneers as he sends a blast of fire at you.

You dodge it in time for it to not burn your uniform, and you quickly shake off your initial surprise before lunging at him again. It’s difficult fighting on the roof of the compound, but you quickly learn that every move he makes is one that he had taught you himself. 

He had always told you to let your rage consume you. To let yourself succumb to it, let it strengthen you. It was always a toxic way of living, and you haven’t used that tactic in many battles as you know most of his goons are simply hired mercenaries, but you feel it now. Like a drug you’ve long since quit, the high is immediate and intoxicatingly addictive.

He’s bigger, and he might be a little stronger, but you were his weapon. He made you to be more powerful than he was, and that was his biggest mistake. 

Your fire seems brighter, and it isn’t long before one harsh wave of it gets him. You suppose he isn’t fireproof like you are, if his agonized wail as he clutches his burning arm is anything to go by. 

Something cold pierces your shoulder from behind.

The pain of it doesn’t quite register at first, until another comes along. You turn to face the source.

Another one of the Serpent’s guard dogs. They came along when they were fifteen, and you always knew something wasn’t quite right about them. You can’t even recall their name, but the fury in their eyes is all too familiar.

You’re barely able to avoid the sudden wave of icicle spikes heading your way, a simple flash of fire just enough to melt them in time. With fire coming at you from your left, and ice from your right, you find yourself entirely in fight-or-flight mode.

Instinct takes over, anger fueling every action as you try to balance yourself between the two. You’re sweating, now, with the effort and it isn’t long before you’re starting to get sloppy. You almost want to ask Stark what’s taking him so fucking long, but you can barely think about your next move let alone call for backup.

Suddenly, ice appears under your feet. You scramble to catch yourself before a blast of fire sends you flying towards the ledge. With nothing there to stop you, you’re barely able to catch yourself before you go falling. You definitely haven’t tested how many floors you can fall from before, and you certainly aren’t going to start now.

Before you can register what’s happened, you hear someone yell as they fall over the ledge. Surprised, you look up to find Natasha going head-to-head with the Serpent.

Natasha. A blast of fire can do real damage to her.

Panicked, you scramble to your feet and slide over the ice to breathe fire out of your mouth at the Serpent. That’s something you recently learned to do (mostly because Peter wanted to know if you could) and that surprise is enough to send him dangerously close to the other edge of the roof. 

Natasha advances quicker than you can, and you’re horrified when, just as she kicks him over, he grabs her by the ankle and drags her over the ledge with him.

You’re moving before you can even think it through. You can only think about Natasha falling and how you absolutely cannot let him take her from you. Not when he’s taken everything else.

You’re plummeting after them, a powerful wave of heat behind you as you catch up to Natasha, who had just kicked the shit out of the Serpent. Before you know it, she’s in your arms and you’re-

“You can fly?” Natasha exclaims breathlessly, and- yeah. Yeah you can.

That’s new.

There’s blue fire emanating around you, but it doesn’t seem to hurt the redhead.

“I guess I can,” you fly a little too quickly back to the roof, landing roughly but keeping your grip around the woman in your arms. “All it took was for you to fall for me,” you wink, and she giggles despite rolling her eyes.

“Or you were just waiting to use that line.”

“Kid, you still with us?” Tony’s voice over the comm makes you wince.

“Nat dropped in and pushed him off the roof. Also, I can fly now.” You respond quickly, looking at Natasha with wide eyes. “Is he…?”

Natasha nods slowly. “I… heard him hit the ground.” She pauses, one of her hands coming up to stroke your cheek lovingly. “Are you okay?”

You can’t resist kissing her, and you love the way she smiles against your lips. 

“I’m always okay with you,” you answer.

“Please turn off the comm if you’re going full-homo.” Tony pipes in and both you and Natasha groan as he makes his landing. 

You set Natasha down gently, though you keep an arm around her waist as one of her own stays around your shoulders. 

“The others are on their way. All clear on our end,” Tony reveals his face, and he’s clearly had his fill of this fight. He’s sweating, a little out of breath. “So, is he dead?”

“Yeah,” Natasha confirms, her hand squeezing your shoulder lightly. “It’s finally over.”

“It’s never over,” you remind her, and she hums, leaning into you affectionately. 

“At least with him, it is.”

In the aftermath of the battle, amidst the ash and dust, all you can think of is Natasha. Natasha, the woman you never expected to love but now care for so intensely, so damn much, you literally jumped off of a roof for her.

“I love you,” you tell her, nuzzling into her hair as Tony and the others join you.

“I love you, too,” Natasha responds, pressing a lasting kiss to your cheek. “So much.”

You’ve fallen for her in a lot of ways, and you doubt that you’ll ever stop falling any time soon.

[nitewrighter]

Does Hanzo ever find out what Genji went through/what he was like during Blackwatch? If so, how does he react?

I think he does eventually, like... Genji lets him know that he was in a very difficult physical and emotional place with Blackwatch, and Hanzo’s able to pick up from Mercy that “Okay no, I don’t think you understand, it was really bad”--but she’s also fairly light on the details mostly for Genji’s sake like “Hey, I’m not going to tell you any more than Genji was comfortable with telling you.” And Zenyatta hangs back for the same reasons, and also he wasn’t there so he doesn’t want to distort the details from what Genji’s told him. So the one person Hanzo can actually get the full story from... is McCree.

Also this fic references the first meeting fic so yeah!

----

“Well?” Hanzo had one elbow resting on the bar. Music was faintly playing but it blended in with the humming murmur of the other patrons. Snowflakes were buffeting the glass of the windowpanes just outside and both of them had shrugged off their heavier coats. The bar itself had a homey, lived-in quality to it. Not dirty, but with a definite age to it that seemed to lend a further brightness to the bodies gliding through it and chatting. The icy Andean wind had heightened the redness of Hanzo’s nose and cheeks well before any alcohol had. It contrasted against the cold discernment of his dark brown eyes.

“I’m gonna answer your question with a question--” McCree started.

“Which isn’t an answer--”

McCree leaned back in his bar seat, folding his arms across himself. He almost looked sagely. “Are you asking this because you genuinely think it will help you get a gauge on your shit and move forward, or are you freaking out because things are going more okay than you think you deserve and feel a need to kick yourself square in the Rocky Mountain oysters?”

“Rocky Mountain--?”

“It’s this fried--I’m talking about--” McCree sighed and sipped his whiskey, “I’m saying you’re doing... you’re doing really well, Hanzo. You’re touching base with the team, reachin’ out, you seem to be sleeping and eating better, hell, you’re clutch on missions, but now you’re asking about this, and it worries me.”

“Why should it worry you?” Hanzo’s eyes narrowed.

“Because--y’know... I care about you. You’re a part of this team and I care about you... in a..” McCree cleared his throat, “Team-y way. And... you were stuck in a dark lonely place and I ain’t itchin’ to give you the means to go back there. ”

“But you can understand that the fact that I don’t have the full story distresses me more, can you not?” said Hanzo, “As well as the fact that knowing the more the truth of it is obscured with me, the worse I can assume the situation was.”

McCree scratched at his beard, frowning. “Yeah... yeah I can understand it--but I can also understand Mercy and Zen not spillin’ the beans on Genji’s account.”

“Mm...” Hanzo glanced off and sipped his own drink.

McCree twisted his glass slowly, “Then again, sometimes I think Reyes brought me on the team to begin with because I have a pretty high success rate with the whole, ‘Beg forgiveness before asking permission’ rate.”

Ana called you a charmer, the words almost slipped out of Hanzo but he wasn’t sure how they would land, so he held them in. Instead, Hanzo only mildly gestured at the bartender to refill McCree’s glass.

“Don’t think you’re getting it just because you’re gettin’ me drunk. It ain’t exactly a pretty story,” said McCree.

“I’m prepared,” said Hanzo.

McCree studied him a few moments longer, one hand still wrapped around his glass and one corner of his mouth pulled up with indecision before he closed his eyes and exhaled. “All right,” he said, “If only to keep you from kicking your own ass over what you don’t know.”

“I want you to start at the beginning,” said Hanzo, his stare steady.

“Well t’be fair, Blackwatch was casin’ Hanamura for months, even before your old man passed--er---my condolences--”

Hanzo snorted a little. “It’s... fine,” he said a bit awkwardly. He was more disarmed than really upset at the idea that McCree may have been far better versed in the activities of the Shimada Clan than he had really anticipated.

“Gérard, that is, our UN Attaché, had this whole thing about ‘pulling everything out to the light,’---And the fella was good at it. Could sniff out paper trails and track down dirty money like no other. The initial plan was to get Genji on possession charges and drag the whole clan out behind him. Your old man’s passin’--again, condolences--threw the whole schedule off though. And then we received additional intel that the Shimada dragons might be more.... uh... what’s the word for ‘unusual’ but it’s like... more business-y unusual?”

Hanzo shrugged.

“Un... Im... Uhhh.... Anomalous! That’s the word! Might be more anomalous than we thought and ‘warranting further investigation’ or whatever,” McCree seemed to be easing into the story now, plucking up details from debriefings, “SEP and all its affiliates had been more or less shut down post-Crisis, but there were still worries about human experimentation... strange abilities, and the like. And the dragon stories had been floating around your family for decades, but only when things got destabilized did we consider they might be more than stories. Then we got word that the wheels had been set in motion that the clan would kill Genji before we could get our hands on him--Arrest mission became extraction mission, and extraction mission became rescue mission. The time frame was so sudden we had to bring the Doc along because we thought she would be our best chance at saving him--She wasn’t in Blackwatch, you understand. Wasn’t too keen on undermining the Japanese government either. But... it turns out bringing her along was the right choice.”

Hanzo seemed to be maintaining a veneer of calm, but there was an unmistakeable new undercurrent of tension in his movements and expression as he sipped his own drink.

“You know what he looked like when you left him,” said McCree, “Do you really want me to go into the details there?”

“Yes,” said Hanzo.

McCree huffed and took another gulp of whiskey. The burn of alcohol rasped the first few words of his next sentence. “So it was me, Reyes, the Doc, and a handful of Blackwatch extraction medics touching down in Hanamura that night. Apparently the Shimada clan’s forces were decentralized from the castle. We infiltrated the castle grounds. Found a handful of your security already dead. Took out one more... left his body with the others. Didn’t have time to run a full investigation, or lock anything down. Finding Genji was the top priority. And we found him. Three limbs gone. Puddle of his own blood. Looked midway between... someone had dropped him in a garbage disposal but at the same time... not right--just... gone. The limbs were gone. The wounds were too clean but still bleedin’ out.”

Hanzo’s knuckles curled in, white and shaking as he took a steadying breath. “Consumed,” Hanzo said quietly, “The dragon consumed them.”

“I can stop--” McCree started.

“Finish what you start, Cowboy,” Hanzo’s voice was steady.

McCree swallowed. “I’d seen some fucked up shit under Reyes, but this... yeah, it was new. I kind of froze up, not quite scared, but just trying to make sense of it. But then I snapped out of it as the Doc rushed to him first. I had a vantage point in case other castle security showed up. Reyes was at the opening to that big-ass balcony so he could flag down our evac. So uh, what you need to understand here is that we uh... we actually had very little solid intel as to what the Shimada dragons were capable of.”

“...but I had left the scene well before this,” said Hanzo, trying to puzzle out the timeline of his own fleeing the castle grounds.

“Yeah it... wasn’t your dragon we saw,” said McCree, “See, the Doc, she had to do this... staff... defibrillation thing? I didn’t get a good look at it but Genji, he uh...started thrashin’ and this light sprang out of him. Bright green. Never seen anything like it. He was screaming. Next thing I know he’s grabbing Mercy’s neck.”

Hanzo flinched with some alertness. “What?”

“I mean--first instinct, I’m saying to Reyes, ‘Boss, I got a shot’--like, I know the mission was asset acquisition, but light show or not I wasn’t about to let him kill Angela, but then she hollers out ‘Don’t shoot him!’ And I’m stuck there looking to Reyes like, ‘You’re gonna override that, right?’ And... and Reyes was so calm... I--I could see him doing the math. Breaking people down to resources... breaking their deaths down to trade-offs...”

“You... thought you had to shoot Genji--” Hanzo’s brow was crinkling.

“If Reyes gave me the word,” McCree shrugged, then itched at the brim of his hat, “I never thought someone would hesitate on saving the doc like he was doing right there, though. But.... then she said something to Genji. Never asked what it was, but it seemed to calm him down before he passed out.”

“And you’re saying he grabbed her neck when they first met,” Hanzo’s eyes were narrowed, “But they’re...”

“Well, he was only half-conscious and in this full-on survival mode and she had just... jammed a huge amount of biotic-whatever into his chest. He didn’t know if she was helping or trying to... y’know it was like those times you nearly punched me in the face when I was trying to wake you up from those night terrors.”

“I’m sorry for that,” said Hanzo.

“Psh. If I had a nickel for every time someone took a swing at me out of some kind of traumatic reflex...” he smiled to try and make this seem more lighthearted than it actually was, but Hanzo seemed to still be processing everything, so McCree cleared his throat. “Word of advice, though, don’t make any ‘I guess you’re into that’ jokes with the doc,” he said with a nervous laugh, “No it uh... it took them both a while. I mean, there was this thing there, definitely, but yeah, they were both neck-deep in a whole bunch of shit for a while before they really acknowledged anything.”

“Did Genji take a swing at you?” asked Hanzo.

“Not outside of a Blackwatch sparring ring,” said McCree, “But Jesus, he was scary on the training floor. Still is, sometimes.” McCree paused for a few seconds. “He was obsessed with killing you, y’know. Taking down the whole clan and killing you. Every mission where he got a sniff of you, every mission he thought you might be there and you weren’t, he’d come back snarling.” 

Hanzo blinked a few times and glanced down. He knew it made sense, given the idea of justice their family had ingrained in them, but there was still an odd sting to the idea. But I’m his brother, he thought, but then he thought, But that didn’t stop me. 

McCree seemed to take Hanzo’s silence as permission to go on. “ I’d try to distract him... try to get his head out of his ass sometimes, but a lot of the time... you see any living thing in a state like that, all you can do is give it space. Genji did give us a decent amount of intel on the Shimada clan’s bigger operations... but when it came to actually getting in there... he was always the first one on the ground. As you can imagine, it was personal for him. There were a handful of bullshit ‘stakeouts’ in Japan where Genji would ditch me... I knew Reyes wasn’t telling me the whole story, then again, it wasn’t my job to know the whole story.” McCree sipped his drink. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t know what he was doing, though.”

“...killing heads of the clan,” Hanzo said quietly.

“Can’t exactly confirm or deny that but... yeah,” said McCree. A prickle of alarm seemed to go through him. “Look, I don’t want to kick off any more brother-killing fuckery--”

“You’re not, Jesse,” Hanzo’s voice was subdued, “I was the right hand of the clan... and the destruction wrought by Genji was, if anything, a product of my own actions.”

“Also his actions--He was fucking nightmare--I mean I liked him, but he was a fucking nightmare, sometimes. Lashed out--like... you didn’t really think of him as giving a shit about you with all that seething over the Shimada clan--- but then he’d know how to say something that hurts, and he knows exactly how it hurts, and you wouldn’t know if he learned how to hurt that bad from your family or just because he was hurtin’ that bad and---” McCree seemed to catch the alarmed look in Hanzo’s eyes, then took a steadying breath before sipping his drink again, “Look... this stuff... it’s all in the past. And he is a lot better now. And he is one of my best friends. Kind of wild how someone who hurt you that deeply can be a best friend like that, but... that’s kind of how life works. Kind of how this shit works when you don’t know if you’re coming back from that next mission. We’re all fucked up here. It’s about learning to take the fucked up parts of yourself and trying to make it into something that helps the people that mean something to you. ”

“The people that mean something to me...” Hanzo repeated quietly.  He remembered McCree’s words from his second night on the watchpoint. ‘We’re all just background noise to you. You’re just here so you can stop kicking your own ass after Genji.’ Then he remembered Genji’s words. ‘Well... you’ve been traveling the world for a decade... has there... been anyone? Anyone special? Anyone you loved?’

“...I feel like I’ve let that part of me atrophy,” Hanzo said quietly. Answering Genji’s question, not McCree’s words.

“Atrophy?” McCree repeated.

“When you don’t use a muscle for a long time and... it ceases to be able to functi--”

“I know what ‘Atrophy’ means--” McCree wasn’t making eye contact, “You let... caring about other people... atrophy,” he parsed, trying to trace out Hanzo’s thought process.

“Mm,” Hanzo took a sip of his own drink, “So while I was wandering in grief, Genji was consumed by pain and rage.”

“Which... he’s told you,” said McCree. 

“Well, yes, but he didn’t go into details,” said Hanzo, “I know, this might be difficult or painful to talk about, but I really do appreciate getting a more complete picture of what happened to him after my actions.” 

McCree tilted his own glass back and forth on the bar counter, letting the whiskey rock around the interior.“I know, but...don’t heap all this on yourself. Reyes always said he wanted the cockroach motherfuckers, and he was more than happy to let Genji snap and swear and lash out and burn the house down because that suited Blackwatch’s agenda better than, I dunno, therapy? Only when we got benched after the Venice incident did he yank in Genji’s leash, because hey, it turned out having a PTSD cyborg tearin’ around the base cussin’ people out wasn’t a good look for Blackwatch.” 

Hanzo huffed a little. There was an odd comfort in that. But then he paused, running over the course of McCree’s words in his mind. “...you keep bringing up Reyes,” Hanzo said, fixing his eyes on McCree.

“Sorry--I--I know this should be about Genji,” said McCree.

“No it... it gives some perspective,” said Hanzo, “You trusted Reyes, didn’t you?”

McCree’s mouth tightened for a few seconds before he drew in a short breath through his nostrils. “Yeah... yeah, I did. He just... I mean I’d keep telling myself I was my own person, that I did things with my own style, but so did he. So like... whether it’s ‘your own style’ from fuckin’ Santa Fe or Los Angeles... is there really that much of a difference? If you still picture yourself in their boots, give or take a decade or so?”

“Hm,” Hanzo was thoughtful at this, “I imagined myself in my father’s position so long that when everything came apart and I found myself wandering the world, dodging the clan’s assassins I felt... like a stranger.” 

“Kind of liked being a stranger,” said McCree with slight shrug, “Stranger’s from nowhere. Got nothing to prove.... guess it probably hits different if you got a whole... magical crime lord prince destiny thing, huh?”

“The dragon is not magical,” said Hanzo flatly, but a smile was tugging at his lips. 

“Debatable,” said McCree, “First of all: It’s a dragon.”

Hanzo snorted and a quiet pause passed between them. Not uncomfortable, but definitely tired, letting McCree’s words and all the pain and memory that came with them drift and dissipate into the warm air of the bar.

“...I could tell you more if you want,” said McCree, after a few beats. “I do have funnier stories... wasn’t all... ‘he was fucked up.’ And--Genji did seem to be getting better-ish towards the end there, once they put him on Tracer’s strike team... but by then Overwatch itself was coming apart.” He snorted. “I guess that’s kind of a running theme with this stuff.”

“I appreciate the offer,” said Hanzo with a slight chuckle. He paused. “Tracer’s strike team?”

“Well, she and Winston probably got more stories there than I do,” said McCree, “And maybe the doc, if it’s in good faith.” He sipped his drink. “You’re welcome to run off to try and ask them about it.”

“I think... this is enough for now,” said Hanzo. After a few beats he said, “You’re not... all background noise to me.”

“What?” said McCree.

“That... you said that on the second night,” said Hanzo, “It’s... it’s not that I don’t value life, or other people--I’m just... it’s been a very long time since I’ve worked with other people, since I’ve talked to other people on a regular basis like this, since I’ve stayed in one place this long, and...”  he trailed off, then took a sip of his own drink with some resolve, “I’m afraid,” he said, letting those words sit in the air for a few seconds, “I’m afraid of lending my abilities to another organization that’s used people to hurt other people and then tossed them aside. When your only connection to other people for most of your life was this twisted blood loyalty...” Hanzo trailed off.

“I’m scared of makin’ the same mistakes too, for what it’s worth,” said McCree, “I don’t think fear like that ever goes away.”

“Redemption’s a bitch?” said Hanzo with a slight smile.

McCree broke into chuckles. “You should swear more often. I feel like that’ll help.”

“You’ve sworn plenty for the both of us, tonight,” said Hanzo crisply, sipping his own drink.

“Still, I’m gonna make it a mission to get a ‘fuck’ out of you,” said McCree and Hanzo choked and sputtered. “I didn’t mean it like that! You know what I mean!” McCree was laughing as Hanzo’s attention was split between choking and laughing and desperately looking around for a napkin after spitting his drink. The bartender swooped by with a napkin and the laughs boiled down into chuckles as Hanzo cleaned up a bit. There was another pause then, that same settling of understanding.

“Thank you,” Hanzo said after a few beats.

“You already thanked me--don’t know what’s worth thanking about saying ‘hey your brother was fucked up and so were we.’”

“Honesty. I appreciate honesty.”

McCree smiled and then shrugged.“Hey--y’know, for all the shit I give you,” McCree started and trailed off, “What I said that night about... all of us being background noise... I know that.. that wasn’t really fair. You really didn’t know any of us and, y’know, as far as the general public is concerned, we’re a whole bunch of mercenary weirdoes doing vigilante shit.” 

“And Genji was the only person here I knew, and was really...” Hanzo sighed, “I suppose, I fixed him in my mind to be my last chance at humanity--and made myself out to be a monster to all of you in pursuing that.”

“Well... you’re doing better, I can tell you that much. And... y’know folks are warming up to you.”

“Except Angela,” said Hanzo, with a weary smile. 

“She needs time on that... I wouldn’t try to force it,” said McCree, “Baby steps and all that.” 

Hanzo huffed a little.

“Hey,” McCree lifted his glass, “To baby steps and runnin’ the hell away from all our old role models.”

“Indeed,” Hanzo clinked his glass against Genji’s. Both sipped their drinks and another pause passed over them. Hanzo felt McCree’s eyes on him and looked over at him.l

“Hey just so we’re clear,” McCree’s chin was in his hand, “I didn’t accidentally kick off some huge new bloody vengeance thing by telling you all this, right?”

“You did not,” said Hanzo with a wry smile.

“Oh thank god.” 

[tsukkisbean]

how they cheer your up | headcanons

genre: fluff

characters: iwaizumi hajime, miya osamu, terushima yūji, kunimi akira x gn!reader

warnings: none!

a/n: hello if you’re seeing this, that means my scheduled post worked, yay!! hopefully this shows up in the tags otherwise i’ll have to reupload it at a later time (sorry in advance if that’s the case hehe). i’m also trying my hand at writing for other characters so hopefully this does their characters justice??

anyways, i hope everyone is doing well and staying healthy and happy! if you requested something from me, sorry i haven’t gotten to it even though i said i would. i’ll try my best to complete them when i get the chance, thank you for being patient with me 💖 all boys after iwaizumi are under the cut!

iwaizumi hajime

best boy iwaizumi would without a doubt use exercise as a way to cheer you up

but don’t get me wrong, he’s not going to force you to run a marathon or anything like that

i imagine him taking you to one of those entertainment/game parks (not really sure what they’re called ahh) where you guys just hang out all day

when you get there, he’ll immediately take you to the batting cage so you can just channel out all your anger into your swings

once your blood is pumping from the adrenaline he’ll take you to the trampoline area where you guys just bounce around and do flips into the foam pit to burn off all your extra energy

you’ll just be chilling, jumping up and down on one of the trampolines, your back turned to iwaizumi when he straight up scoops you up and tosses you in

he’s cackling and dying of laughter and when he finally offers to help you out you grab his hand and pull him in

when he doesn’t resurface you get nervous, where could he be?

from the corner of your eye you see the foam rumbling slightly but you react too slowly and iwaizumi pops out and tackles you in the biggest hug, peppering kisses all over your face and people are staring as you scream your head off trying to pry him off of you

for dinner, you guys indulge in all the greasy food the park has to offer, and by the end you’re stuffed

to help with digestion you suggest a game of mini golf which iwaizumi gladly agrees to

for someone who played volleyball his aim is absolutely horrifying

he argues that the windmill is IMPOSSIBLE to get a good score on and no one can ever get a hole in one

luck must have been on your side because you get a hole in one right after (and so does the small child behind you guys, but you choose not to tell him that)

you end up destroying him (he lowkey hints that he let you win but we know that’s not the case)

when the park closes, instead of taking you straight home, he’ll take you to a nearby park and the two of you just stroll around enjoying the chill of the night and the stars in the sky

miya osamu

he pulls you onto the couch next to him and the two of you look through baking videos on youtube and osamu being osamu cannot decide because he wants to make them all

eventually you guys settle on a cake recipe by cooking tree (a/n: 10/10 would recommend watching them, their videos are super soothing and aesthetic esp if you enjoy cooking asmr!!)

so at 9pm you guys set off to the grocery store to buy the ingredients you guys are missing 

the trip takes much longer than expected because osamu keeps putting in more and more snacks that you guys definitely don’t need

so instead of shopping osamu is trying to grab as many snacks as you can while you trail behind, trying to put them away  because your pantry is already way too full

by the time you get home it’s close to 12 and you’re tired but osamu insists that you guys start now

for the most part all goes well, you guys manage to get the batter to look smooth in the cake pan (definitely some playful flour throwing here and there)

the real problem is assembling the cake. at this point you’re wondering why you guys decided on a 3-layered cake that required cutting

teases you for cutting the first layer slanted and so you pass over the cutting to him but his slicing work is just as bad and you just have to bring up the fact that he owns a restaurant but apparently his knife skills suck

you thought cutting the cake would be a problem?? now you guys have to fill the layers and it’s a complete disaster; there’s whipped cream just everywhere and at this point you guys are half filling the cake half throwing it at each other

cake ends up being iced unevenly but that’s the least of your problems

you guys pour the decorative icing on top and instead of running over the sides only slightly, it drips messily down the cake and onto the counter and now you guys have a blob of a cake

you guys spend the rest of the night cleaning up and pass out on the couch and in the morning you guys enjoy a sweet breakfast together <3

terushima yūji

terushima is a free soul and so he believes expressing yourself through art is one of the best ways to feel better

when he sees that you’re down, he’ll immediately whip out all of his salon products and pull you into the bathroom

he takes you by surprise saying that he wants you to whatever you want to his hair - today his hair is your canvas

at first you’re reluctant, but he insists - as a hair stylist it’s all about experimentation with styles and colours and plus he can easily fix whatever you do considering that it is his job after all

so you guys scroll through pinterest together, trying to find some fun hair ideas that you’d be able to pull off on your own (with some instruction from teru of course)

you finally decide on a style and so together start on getting all the hair dye ready

he explains to you the different types of develops and how important they are in the hair colouring process - there are different volumes and will essentially affect how much your hair colour changes

after all the colours are mixed and ready to go, you gingerly grab a piece of hair, constantly checking your phone to make sure you’re doing it exactly like the photo

meanwhile terushima has the softest smile on his face, watching you through the mirror - he thinks you look absolutely adorable with the way your brows are furrowed and your tongue sticks on slightly as you focus

as you run the colour brush along his hair, he’s constantly encouraging you, telling you what a good job you’re doing and how he’s so excited to the end product

while the dye sits in his hair, you sit in his lap

once it’s time to wash out the hair dye, you bring him to the sink and carefully run your hands through his hair, trying your best to give him the best head massage he’s ever had!!!

after toning and a hair treatment, your masterpiece if finally done!! ofc being the boyfriend he is, he takes a million photos and posts them on social media to show how talented his significant other is - like not only is it your first time dying someone’s hair but you managed to pull off RAINBOW hair!! (a/n: think sehun from exo as a reference hehe) he literally will not shut up about you to his clients tomorrow

kunimi akira

kunimi has a rep for being lazy and just overall a really nonchalant kind of person but he’s sharp, so when you’re feeling down he immediately picks up on it even if he doesn’t confront you about it

however i don’t think he’d be as aggressive as the other three and do something huge rather he tries to make you feel better only in smaller ways and it definitely adds up

like in the morning he’ll make you coffee or tea or whatever you want - orange juice, a bakery bun? he’ll make an excuse saying he wanted something from the convenience store anyways and head down. when he comes back  with three bags of food and drinks he’ll insist that he just grabbed whatever he saw because he was “too lazy to decide” n b d

throughout the day he’ll be a lot more affectionate than usual, hugging you whenever he gets the chance, maybe even a kiss on your forehead

when you tell him you want to go out on your own for a bit  he doesn’t argue - whatever you need to do but when your back is turned he’ll slip you a handwritten note telling you to enjoy your alone time and that he l-word you and it’s even signed off with a teensy teensy heart that you almost don’t notice

when you get back, you’re greeted with the smell of your delicious food mixed with a burning smell and on the kitchen table you see takeout from your favourite restaurants and in the garbage is a black burnt mess - kunimi insists he doesn’t know how it got there even though its quite obvious

you bring the food to the living room and to your surprise there’s a blanket fort set up with pillows spread out all across the floor

when you try to question him, he just shrugs saying that it’s not that hard to throw a blanket over a couple of chairs, even a baby could do it

today he lets you choose the movie even though it’s technically his turn and when you choose a  comedy he doesn’t complain about the obnoxiously loud and hot headed lead character

when the movie is over, he quickly cleans up all the trash, making sure you don’t have time to move from your spot

when he comes back, he flops on top of you, holding you close

then he plays the spotify playlist that he made for you; it’s a whole mix of songs - slow, upbeat, instrumentals - anything he thought might help you feel even the tiniest bit better

and so you guys just lay there not speaking, enjoying each other’s presence until you fall asleep

[fleecal]

Ep 4: Gen 2 is here!

Scoring Sheet and Family Tree

First off, I just want to reiterate that while I am calling this a Pseudo-Legacy Challenge, the rules are used as more like suggestions. I am giving myself points mostly as something to do/goals to help myself not get bored, which is also why I am posting on Tumblr. I have mods that would 100% break the rules but this save is mostly for my own amusement. I may also make lifespans long as opposed to normal, idk yet. No one said anything, it's just on my mind.

Anyway, my goal for today is to add the second floor to the house, have the first child and get trash fruit. Still want an orchid, so I will also try looking for that. Also, side note, I never mentioned it but the Zilver family is Jewish. Just because.

Anna and Michael tried for a baby at the very end of ep 3, but I didn't have her take a test intentionally. I was saving it for this time. I had Anna take a test and she's Eating for Two! :D I want Anna and Michael to have at least two kids. If it's a boy, he will be named Benjamin and if it's a girl, she will be Brielle.

Also, I added Michael to the Zilver club. Now we can start gatherings. After Anna rummaged in the trash, there was a pile of trash on the floor, so I moved it outside far from the house. Trash Plant. I also bought a coop, to fulfil Michael's aspiration and use eggs as a source of income. We got two chickens, one brown, one white named Nugget and Cricket.

Also, as the lot was named Olde [something] Hill, I made the terrain a hill before I made the house but I am regretting it so I may make the terrain flat.

Anyway, while Anna slept, Michael got to know the new chickens. Once she woke up, Anna went to the library to work on her law work. Afterwards, Anna got a laptop out of nowhere which promptly disappeared. Weird. Anyway, soon my sims were off to work and did a bit of landscaping, making a flat little area for plants and chickens which I will henceforth call the Farm Pit.

Got a third chicken and named her Midnight. I like to have three chickens, so I can have 1 evil, 1 golden and 1 normal. Anna came home and she was promoted to paralegal :D I noticed, among other things, Anna has to pass an exam to get to the next level of her career. I think that's neat. Michael got a dahlia from work and Anna, now in her second trimester went to bed. I feel like I've been giving too much of a play-by-play, so I'm trying to only mention the plot stuff.

At midnight on Thursday, I look at Anna's relationship profile and see this.

Derek died late Monday or early Tuesday. I'm just... I think the worst part is that they took Derek's name. Anyway, I did some landscaping in the Farm Pit when Anna woke up I gave her the Experimenter spellcaster perk. Both my sims went to work and after Michael got promoted and I got to pick his branch. I chose Botanist. Because it pays more. When Anna got home from work, we finally had enough money for a second floor. House is not the most beautiful, but I think it's cute.

The next morning, literally right as Anna was heading to work, she went into labour. Great timing, game. We went right to the hospital.

It's a Girl! Welcome, Brielle Zilver. She has the normal bassinet so she might be human. We'll see when she ages up. Either way, I will probably have her and Michael try for another baby soon as I want each gen to have at least two kids.

After we brought Brielle home, I noticed the garbage I put on the edge of the lot was finally a trash plant so I moved it to the Farm Pit. When everyone got home, Cecilia invited Anna to the spice festival so we went to that. Much to my surprise, Anna won the Spice challenge on her first try and got the spicy tee-shirt. We also bought some curry, chilli powder, saffron and wasabi at the festival.

After Anna went home from the festival, she went to bed. The next day I was planning on having her work on her requirements for work but everything decided it was broken and nothing worked so I closed my game. Thus ends ep 4

[kkenvs3000]

My Ethics as a Nature Interpreter

Picture originally posted by Earth Eclipse

When writing this final post, I can appreciate that I learned a lot about nature and different interpretation methods throughout this course. I have done a lot of self-reflection and realize some of my personal beliefs and morals when it comes to nature interpretation. I realized that specific interpretation methods are not for me, and I think that's ok because at least I can say that I have tried them. I feel that trying different audiences on different audiences was part of helping us understand what does and doesn't work based on our personalities. In my understanding, ethics are my moral principles that direct my behavior or the actions I take. I believe that my ethics rely a lot on leaving nature alone and not causing much disturbance. I firmly believe that I must support the survival of life on earth. It means when we observe nature, we don't disturb the ongoing processes in each ecosystem. This is essential in terms of a lot of ecosystems being destroyed on earth and soon leaving behind a residue of what once was. The necessity to protect nature and its ecosystem is apparent nowadays with all the waste of energy and resources, growth of garbage, and ecological damage by industrialization. In an ecosystem, each organism has its role to play. Consider a small puddle at the back of your home. In it, you may find all sorts of living things, from microorganisms to insects and plants. These may depend on non-living things like water, sunlight, turbulence in the puddle, temperature, atmospheric pressure, and even nutrients in the water for life.

I believe that nature is beautiful and very mentally refreshing. Nature has kept me sane through this pandemic, as I'm sure it has for a lot of others. This makes me wonder why nature has this effect on us. Thinking back to my nature walks this week, I noted the sounds you hear, the wind, the birds, the leaves on the trees. They all embrace you with open arms. I love feeling all five of my senses being heightened when I walk. I feel the wind, and I smell the fresh air; I hear the birds' sweet sounds. I love thinking of nature as a way of medicating the soul. I can almost feel it slowly healing me and bringing me to a happier place mentally. With all that nature is providing us, it is essential to give gratitude towards nature. Have you ever asked yourself if what you believe in is true? It is essential to understand your life depends on your beliefs, so make sure you only choose the best. 

The picture took by my sister at Sylvan lake. 

Time has come now to realize that the beauty of nature is very precious. Nature's natural state of love, joy, and pride is the essence of life. With that being said, thinking about the responsibilities, I feel as though we should all be responsible for taking care of our surroundings. For example, A walk in the park is highly relaxing and peaceful and offers numerous health benefits. While it's great to take the time to stop and smell the roses, it's not a good idea to stop and pick them! Every park has a unique and complex ecosystem. Taking flowers or native plants changes the park's ecosystem and prevents them from generating new seeds for future plants. Another responsibility is to spread awareness about the existing issues and promote their effect on our mental well-being. Letting others know the benefits of nature and making them more aware of the disturbances they might be causing. The best approach to the issues is to talk about the new concepts with my friends and share them with my family.  From writing blogs, and making podcasts, I got the chance to explore my comfort level and bring out the nature interpreter in me. I believe that knowing your audience is an important task that everyone faces. It is vital to understand your audience's values, attitudes, and beliefs as it will allow you to anticipate and plan your message accordingly to connect with your audience deeply. I also take part in various clubs where I can promote these ideas. I love sharing new ways to improve mental health because it's such a stigmatized issue, and it should be taken seriously. Most people have done well in this pandemic, but many have suffered detrimental damage from being indoors all the time.  This is why I will continue to promote nature walks and take care of the nature of this planet.

The picture was originally posted on Unsplash.

I want to incorporate some approaches into my responsibilities as a nature interpreter are using different learning styles.  This includes making a poster for visual learners or making a podcast for auditory learners. Even encouraging people to go on nature walks with me for people who prefer kinesthetic learning activities. This would allow me to educate a wider group of people. Another approach that most suitable for me is to combine humor with knowledge about the environment, highlight the issue, create a lasting impression, and grab attention from a wide range of people. According to research done by Stephan Schmidt's article, humorous sentences were better remembered than non-humorous sentences. It is essential to keep these approaches in mind when spreading knowledge to others in the future.

All in all, spending time in nature is a great way to get out and explore nature. As long as we remember not to disturb the natural surroundings, the nature parks will be around for future generations to enjoy. Without nature, I'm not sure we would survive. 

Thank you for reading my post! I hope you all have a great rest of the semester. 

References

Beck, L., Cable, T.T., & Knudson, D.M. (2018). Chapter 6: How people learn. Interpreting cultural and natural heritage for a better world. (pp.105-111). Sagamore Venture.

Hooykaas, A. (2021). Unit 2: Teaching Learners [Course Website]. University of Guelph Course link. https://courselink.uoguelph.ca/d2l/le/content/666945/viewContent/2583079/View

Schmidt, S. R. (1994). Effects of humor on sentence memory. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition, 20(4), 953–967. https://doi.org/10.1037/0278-7393.20.4.953

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2020

You know, when I finished my latest list and realised every decade had the same pattern and that we were slowly going towards a series of great years for pop, I didn’t realise how good that year would be.

What’s at the top? Am I boringly predictable because I already said I loved that song all the way back in January 2020? Let’s find out.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So. Uh. How was your 2020?

Mine was actually surprisingly good, considering. I’m lucky enough to have a job that I can partially do from home, and I was extremely paranoid from the get-go and nobody got sick under this roof so far. Turns out I’m even better at my job from home and I got permission to work from home one day per week even after the health crisis is over! My first name was also finally officially approved and I can’t tell you how happy I feel about that. I almost feel bad to have had such a good year considering the circumstances. I feel like an asshole just because I’m happy, haha.

The only frustrating part was that I was supposed to see Hatari in concert in Paris in early April which, as you can guess, was cancelled. I’m not too mad about it though, since their tour was called “Europe will crumble” and the message saying the tour was cancelled started with “since Europe is actually crumbling due to Covid-19″ and that’s hysterical.

Good or interesting albums that came out in 2020 now, let’s see.

Nightwish released Human/Nature, which was a huge letdown compared to their previous album, but I will relisten to it at some point to make sure I wasn’t just in a bad mood that day.

The Birthday Massacre released Diamonds, which might be their weakest album since their debut, but contained some real gems (I listened to The Last Goodbye on a loop, it floored me. Flashback and Enter are also very good).

The 1975 released Notes On A Conditional Form, and let’s be real, it’s a f█cking mess. You could cut half the tracks and end up with an excellent album, but as it is it’s like, yes, a collection of notes ; however there’s some truely excellent shit on it (see unelligible songs).

Thanks to a friend on a discord server I was exposed to Dorian Electra’s music and I haven’t been quite the same ever since. I’m so happy to be alive to see other enbies making such great music with an insanely good aesthetic surrounding it and asking so many interesting questions about gender. Also the arc the ‘gentleman’ character goes through over the course of the entire tracklist of the 2020 My Agenda album is absolutely hilarious, don’t @ me.

I also discovered 100 Gecs this year. Why are most of you guys saying it’s unlistenable garbage. It’s just as abrasive and over the top as industrial music is, but with none of the edginess or drama. I love it. What the hell. But yeah Tree of Clues was released this year. Good.

Speaking of industrial, in March 2020 Nine Inch Nails were like “hey remember when we released Ghosts I-IV a decade ago entirely for free and how amazing that was? Well we’re all in lockdown and bored as hell so here’s Ghosts V-VI and it’s also free. Enjoy” and I f█cking died instantly. And it’s even better than I-IV. What the hell was that year

Jonsi released Shiver. It’s strange and highly experimental. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing I was into hyperpop this year, otherwise going from his previous material straight to this album would have been brutal.

Yadda yadda yadda After Hours by the Weeknd good yadda yadda.

I’ve joked about that already but if you had told me in 2019 that 2020 would have fires, a pandemic, riots, monoliths appearing and disappearing, and also a super good Machine Gun Kelly album, guess which part I would have found the most ridiculous. But yeah uh. Tickets to my Downfall good

So uh this year I tried to listen to some hyperpop and liked it a lot, and I also dipped my toes timidly into screamo and listened to Svalbard, who released When I Die this year, and the entire album was a very beautiful, very intricately decorated punch to the face. It sounds like God Is An Astronaut except with a shit ton of yelling. I love it. Open Wound is my favorite track on it.

But no, despite all of this, my album of the year was from a band I had never even heard about before that year, called Spanish Love Songs. The album is titled Brave Faces Everyone and it’s line after line after line of extremely relatable generational angst but yelled with complete sincerity and it’s so propulsive and energetic you can’t help but feel both exhausted and ready to fight the entire universe. I don’t know how it works, but it’s incredible. The entire album is wonderfully brutal, so it’s kind of difficult to pick my favorite songs on it, but Beachfront Property and the title track stand out.

Unelligible songs, now, and there’s, uh, quite a few of them too so I’m also gonna use bullet points. Good lord this post is gonna be long.

First, let me say I have literally no idea why Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus wasn’t a bigger hit. It’s not on the year-end US top 100 and it feels extremely wrong. Would have made it to #4 on this list otherwise.

I still entertain the vague hope that stuff from Machine Gun Kelly will chart higher in 2021 but I doubt it will happen so I might as well tackle it now and say that Bloody Valentine and especially Forget Me Too are both excellent and that it’s a shame radios aren’t playing them more often.

Heaven by the late Avicii featuring Coldplay should have charted in 2019 and still didn’t chart in 2020 and that’s a real shame.

If the world was a bit less unfair, Lovesick Girls by Blackpink would have been a hit rather than the awful Ice Cream.

One day I will stop complaining about my bafflement concerning the lack of mainstream pop charts success of The 1975. Today is not that day. I just love how they keep making songs about extremely awkward relationships full of weird details, and I haven’t grown tired of that yet. So yeah If You’re Too Shy is about a guy who’s crush is asking him to get naked on Skype in his hotel room and he’s, uh, not too sure about that idea.

And Me & You Together is about a guy who never finds the right moment to tell his best friend he’s in love with her, and he manages to do so at the end and it’s cute as hell. My fave part is “I'm sorry that I'm kinda queer / It's not as weird as it appears / It's 'cause my body doesn't stop me (Stop me) / Oh, it's okay, lots of people think I'm gay / But we're friends, so it's cool, why would it not be?”. Relatable as f█ck.

And now for an international hit that should have been bigger in the US and/or in my country but wasn’t: Head & Heart by Joel Corry and MNEK.

I’ve heard Nos Célébrations by Indochine extremely often on French radio for months now so I was very surprised to see that it didn’t crack the local year-end list. What happened.

I can finally hear the appeal of Bring Me The Horizon. It took me ages. And also Death Stranding. The song Ludens isn’t in the game per say, but it’s among the ones you can pick to broadcast briefly when people drive by your constructions, and long story short it's been living rent-free in my head for months now.

Phew.

It’s time for a round of Honorable Mentions for elligible songs, containing a couple of guilty pleasures, which is saying something considering the kind of shit I put on some of my previous lists.

Ne Reviens Pas (Gradur et Heuss l’Enfoiré) - Heuss is a French artist that kept baffling me while making my lists for the previous years, and I was like “??? ok, that’s it then, I guess I’m getting too old to get what teenagers find funny”. This one worked for me, though. And the music video doesn’t hurt. Really dumb and really fun.

Adore You (Harry Styles) - Perfectly good little pop song, very pleasant to listen to, never outstayed its welcome for me.

Mood (24kGoldn) - This doesn’t sound like a very good relationship, my dude, but that’s still a super pleasant song.

WAP (Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion) - This song is absolutely hilarious and I will hear no argument from any of you.

Control (Zoe Wees) - Was clearly a hit here. Should have been even bigger though. What a powerful but comfy voice. If I had better taste it would be on the list.

Hot Girl Bummer (Blackbear) - I. Uh. Listen. I keep saying I have bad taste and nobody believes me. Do you believe me now. But yeah. “F█ck you, and you, and you~, I hate your friends and they hate me too” is gonna pop in my head every single time someone is being a jerk anywhere near me now. It’s been happening all year already. Someone trashed my documents at work? Someone isn’t wearing a mask in public? That guy has filled his car with rolls of toilet paper? Brain goes “F█ck you, and you, and you~”. Every. Single. Time.

Come & Go (Juice WRLD & Marshmello ) - Damn, that’s a pretty good little song. I’ve seen plenty of people saying it’s ruined by the drop, but may I remind you I’m the person who loves Blue by Eiffel 65 with all my heart. If the song was ramping up consistently until the end instead of ending like that, it would have made the list, definitely.

And now, the actual list. This one actually feels pretty solid, I genuinely like everything on it, there’s no filler here for once.

10 - The Box (Roddy Rich)

US: #3 / FR: #23

Now this is a weird case, because for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this song was so popular and I was completely neutral about it. Then, one morning in September, my mental jukebox (which always, always puts a song on a loop in my head when I wake up) decided to play it. And I was like oh wow?? I never noticed the atmosphere in that song before? It’s so great. And that hook too. Let’s listen to it.

So yeah, I don’t know what happened. It just clicked one day and everything fell into place, I guess.

9 - Alane (Wes & Robin Shulz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #93

Come on. You can’t do a remake of one of my previous #1 songs and let it chart in 2020. That’s cheating. Even with this subpar drop, I have to put it on the list, now.

I’ve already said my piece about the original, so I’m just going to send you back to my 1997 list.

8 - Kings and Queens (Ava Max)

US: Not on the list / FR: #76

[BBC documentary voice] After Lady Gaga decided to make piano balads and left her musical niche vacant, Ava Max quickly took her place as the top predator pop diva. Even after Lady Gaga was re-introduced to her natural habitat in 2020, she still hasn’t fully recovered in Europe, where Ava Max still reigns supreme on the charts -

(tldr I think it’s hilarious that this isn’t on the US Billboard while Lady Gaga isn’t on the French year-end top 100)

7 - Roses (Saint Jhn & Imanbek)

US: #19 / FR: #3

What an earworm. It doesn’t even bother trying to have an intro or an outro, so it loops almost perfectly. It’s like entering a party that started long before you arrived, and it will go on long after you leave it to go back home. Kind of hypnotic in a way.

And yes, my mental jukebox was very fond of using it to wake me up this year, so this is another song that’s here almost solely because of that.

6 - Physical (Dua Lipa)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69 (hehehe)

“Hey I’m not that old” says the guy who’s definitely a sucker for this kind of retro throwback that was so popular this year. Oh well.

I don’t have anything interesting to say about this one, though. Apart from the fact that everyone seems to have a different fave song on that album. Guess that’s quality for you.

5 - Rain on Me (Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

That is far from being Lady Gaga’s best song, but it was a joy to listen to everytime it was on the radio anyway. Also Ariana Grande has surprisingly good chemistry with Gaga! This year was full of strange duets mostly made for commercial reasons, and this one isn’t an exception, but unlike a lot of them, it really, really works.

4 - Dynamite (BTS)

US: #38 / FR: Not on the list

I’m still not 100% sold on k-pop even if a ton of it sounds super good, but come on. Even if some bits of this song (especially the beginning of the second chorus) sound a bit like they were made on autopilot, it still sounds just as happy and fun several months after I first heard it and I never got tired of it. That’s quality. You hear it and you can’t help but tap your feet and smile.

Actually, I’m sure there’s people somewhere that don’t smile when they hear this song. And they must be avoided at all costs.

3 - Godzilla (Eminem ft Juice WRLD)

US: #62 / FR: Not on the list

What are you doing so high on this list, old man. Why are you still here in the year 2020. I thought we left you in the previous decade. Who gave you the right.

I’m gonna tell you who did, and it’s actually Juice WRLD. Because that chorus is incredible, and like a lot of people I’m pissed off because the guy died super young and this shit shouldn’t happen to anybody. No, his early material wasn’t great, but I’m sorry I’m gonna say it again: have you heard this damn chorus? It’s suspenseful and dark, it’s got this lowkey menacing quality, it’s an earworm and a half, and it’s more convincing in like six lines than Eminem’s own flexing is in the entire song.

The beat is extremely good as well, and the flow, obviously, impressive. The weakest link is Eminem’s writing, which is as usual full of puns and weird wordplay, except here a lot of it isn’t great, and that last ultra fast part at the end is technically impressive but it also drives the song up a cliff and stops it dead in its tracks once it’s over. But frankly the lines fly by so fast it’s difficult to be too annoyed by them.

Can I sincerely put this extremely flawed song so high on my list? A better question would be “did I spend hours trying to learn how to sing this shit without choking on my own spit?”. The answer is yes. To both.

2 - Heartless (The Weeknd)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

I’ve said it on my 2015 and 2016 lists already, but just for the record I’ll say it again: it took me ages to like The Weeknd, mostly because I found most of his songs fairly boring, or disliked the lyrics, or both. Also I never really liked the general vibe of his “sexy” songs like The Hills, they felt dark but in an unpleasant creepy way. Felt like miserable hedonism, if that makes sense.

So, because I’m a person with extremely consistent and logical tastes, here’s the exact same shit he was making before, except that this time I absolutely adore it.

What is he doing differently that makes the whole After Hours album click for me whereas almost all of his previous material failed to do so? Is it the energy? Is it the reverb? Is it the fact that the narrator sounds properly unhinged and, frankly, scared to be spiralling out of control? Why are the colors so beautiful yet full of anxiety? Why is that bridge so fantastic? How can you make your voice look like a glowstick in the dark?

I give up. I have no clue. At least I’m done talking about-

Oh.

1 - Blinding Lights (The Weeknd)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (listen sometimes something’s just that good, ok)

Surprise. Or not.

Wow, look at that, Johannes has put this year’s number one pop song at number one on their personal playlist. The audacity. The edge. What a hot take.

I discovered that song when it first came out at the end of 2019 and I adored it instantly. And I was so scared it wouldn’t be a hit. Which means I’m a f█cking dumbass considering it ended up breaking all sorts of records in 2020. But what can I say, overplay can be a blessing when you love a song that much.

Like every single song I put at number one on one of my lists, I will draw this one at some point and you will understand how incredibly satisfying it is to listen to a song called Blinding Lights, talking about city lights looking blurry when you’re driving at night, while looking itself like a bunch of blurry city lights passing by super fast. Perfect in every way.

Also it sounds exactly like A-ha, and that never hurts.

See you next year! Pretty sure it will be even better music-wise.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 08/05/2021 (Billie Eilish, DJ Khaled)

Whilst this is slightly busier than last week, I am genuinely surprised with how little is actually going on here on this week’s chart, a lot less than I expected or predicted. With that said, the top of the chart is where our biggest story comes from and that is “Body” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne taking advantage of a weak chart with its star-studded remix and peaking at #1 for its first week, replacing Lil Nas X’s “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)”. Not only is it the biggest hit for both of these guys and their first #1s, but it’s the first #1 for the entire UK drill genre, which kind of came out of nowhere for me since I think the song’s pretty worthless but with a TikTok challenge and streaming numbers that have even placed it in the American Spotify chart, it’s gearing up to be one of the biggest British rap songs ever. Let’s hope maybe this one doesn’t stall out as badly as “Don’t Rush” outside of the UK. With all that out of the way, let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Our only new arrival from last week’s UK Top 75 (which is what I cover), “Come Through” by H.E.R. featuring Chris Brown, is gone on the next off of the debut. Well, at least we have more than one new song this week, as well as some interesting chart nonsense lower down, but also some notable drop-outs for “Mr. Perfectly Fine” by Taylor Swift, “Mercury” by Dave and Kamal., “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” by Drake featuring Rick Ross, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man (which will rebound next week as that album makes its impact) as well as “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles finally making what seems to be its last exit. Our only return is in the form of “Confetti” by Little Mix getting a massive surge back at #15 after its Saweetie remix and the attached music video, though Saweetie doesn’t happen to be credited here.

We do have an interesting selection of gains and losses, as with the notable fallers – dropping five spots or more down the chart – we have “Titanium” by Dave at #23, “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted getting ACR’d down to #29 (it had a surprisingly great run), “The Business” by Tiesto having the same happen to it at #32, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #40, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #43, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #45, “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #51, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK hit hard to #54, the same with “Up” by Cardi B at #59, “You” by Regard, Troye Sivan and Tate McRae shaking off the gains #63, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #60, “Heat” by Paul Woolford and Amber Mark at #66, “Solid” by Young Stoner Life, Young Thug and Gunna featuring Drake at #69, “Paradise” by MERDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #71 and, sadly, “How Does it Feel” by London Grammar at #75.

Where it gets a bit more telling about how the charts are going to adapt into the Summer is in our climbers as we have solid gains for “Another Love” by Tom Odell making another run at #60, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous inexplicably at #57 and now we get into the top 40 where we have more potential future hits. “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack is at #38, “Don’t You Worry About Me” brings the Bad Boy Chiller Crew their first hit at #37 (although the song is only ever worth hearing for that chorus) and “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI returns to the top 40 at #30 thanks to a remix with Miley Cyrus who is again not credited by the Official Charts Company. Boney M. are granted their first new top 20 hit since the 1990s, even if it is just a remix of a song that went #2 in 1978, as Majestic’s remix of “Rasputin” is at #18. Our final gain is for a song first entering the top 10 thanks to the remix with Ariana Grande finally making an impact – yet once again not given the official credit by the OCC – as “Save Your Tears” by the Weeknd makes its way up to #8, becoming his tenth top 10 hit here in Britain. That’s not the only song to first enter the top 10 this week but we’ll get to that in due time with our... odd selection of new arrivals this week.

NEW ARRIVALS

#73 – “EVERY CHANCE I GET” – DJ Khaled featuring Lil Baby and Lil Durk

Produced by DJ Khaled and Tay Keith

Two of our new entries are from DJ Khaled’s most recent album Khaled Khaled, an album much like any Khaled album I found cheap and just dull. This record especially is just mixed horribly, with a budget spent exceedingly on getting big-name features instead of any worthwhile engineers to actually mix and master this 50-minute trainwreck. The album doesn’t have many highlights at all but if I had to choose some they would be the two debuting this week, the first of which is basically a Lil Baby cut, “EVERY CHANCE I GET”, with a verse from Lil Durk. Okay, so, yes, first of all, much like the rest of the record, this mix is compressed and just weak, with bizarre bass mastering and drums that sound like garbage, before we get to Lil Baby himself sounding even froggier than ever. I do think that gives the song part of its charm, though, as with a Tay Keith beat, it’s definitely going for a hardcore, old-school Memphis rap atmosphere, and with Lil Baby’s flow switches disguising paranoid lyrics about the typical gunplay and flexing, it does effectively make a pretty intimidating listen... okay, well, it would, if DJ Khaled didn’t have to pop in to convince Lil Baby to “keep going”. We also get a single verse from Lil Durk here, mixed like he recorded his vocals in his bath to the point where it’s clipping against the bass, but delivering a King Von-esque flow that sounds pretty great, and admittedly more detail than you’d expect. I also love that silly “mmm-mmm” flow he uses at the end. I do wish a song like this, clearly supposed to be menacing, did not have the ludicrous personality void that is DJ Khaled on it, and it’s not like they need Khaled to collaborate together – or with Tay Keith for that matter – so I don’t really see why the dude doesn’t just shut up and promote his albums as compilations instead. I understand it comes from his mixtape days, but if this is going to be a studio album, treat it like one and just be quiet for once.

#72 – “Oblivion” – Royal Blood

Produced by Royal Blood

Royal Blood got the #1 album this week for Typhoons and admittedly, whilst I am interested in this band, I haven’t gotten around to listening to it, so I’ll take this album cut as a preview of what to come. If I am doing that, I hope to be surprised by whatever else that album has in store as I’m not really a fan of this. That eerie choppy guitar loop being immediately crushed by this heavily distorted riff and stiff percussion just does not sound unique or interesting, especially if Mike Kerr is going to sound this soulless. The build towards the chorus feels pretty pathetic and unwarranted, and said chorus is just not catchy, before we get to content about how he knows his fate through how arrogant he’s been and he deserves what’s coming to him. I mean, sure, but there’s nothing that makes it obvious that these guys don’t care about what’s coming to them given the pained vocal delivery and monotonous instrumental. It doesn’t feel exciting, rebellious or whatever emotion this tries and fails to capture, just stiff and staggered in its execution. This does make sense for Royal Blood but seems to me like they’re resting way too heavily on ideas ran through the soil at this point. With all that said, this isn’t bad at all, just not as great as those other singles have been from the record. I think I’d be more forgiving if it didn’t come off as a Queens of the Stone Age tribute act writing “originals” that bomb at their shows.

#56 – “love race” – Machine Gun Kelly featuring Kellin Quinn

Produced by Jeff Peters, Jared Gudstadt and Travis Barker

I guess this might actually be a rock-heavy week – not that I’m complaining about more of a rock presence on the chart but God, I wish it wasn’t coming from MGK. I’ll have some choice words to say about this guy’s last attempt at a pop-rock hit by the end of the year, probably, but at least for this song he brought on someone with some kind of legitimacy. Kellin Quinn is the frontman of post-hardcore band Sleeping with Sirens, one of the most successful bands in their genre but not one unlike others that grew out of the metalcore-infused pop rock to anything more unique or experimental. With that said, Quinn is barely here and other than Travis Barker’s typical explosive drums, MGK is the biggest presence here in his raspy but borderline unlistenable vocal tone that I just can’t stand, especially if it’s going to stretch out “run” as long and as far as he did in that longing, desperate chorus. MGK barely even lets Kellin Quinn have his own verse, registering him as backing vocals throughout the entire song, dampening his vocals that sound a lot more unique and enthused, especially when he starts screaming. That bridge did give me trancecore flashbacks – not that I’m complaining if I’m fully honest – so I’ll admit the part of me that eats up emo-pop garbage did let this grow on me a bit, but, man, without a guitar solo to distract from pretty awful lyrics (not that I’d expect much more from this artist or genre) and without really letting Quinn loose on the vocals, it’s lacking a certain grit and punch I expect from post-hardcore. The song did, however, indirectly remind me of New Found Glory, for which I am thankful for.

#53 – “I DID IT” – DJ Khaled featuring Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion, Lil Baby and DaBaby

Produced by Ben Billions, Joe Zarrillo, DJ 360, Tay Keith and DJ Khaled

You wouldn’t expect an artist line-up like this to continue this trend of rock in this week’s new arrivals, but you’d be surprised, and personally I’m pretty happy with how much rock seems to be creeping up back into the public consciousness as if there’s one thing I got back in touch with the most over lockdown, it was the rock music I was raised on and it led to me even further appreciating a genre I had kind of lost touch with over the years out of just a lack of interest. With that said, this isn’t a rock song per se, but it does heavily and lazily sample a classic like much of this Khaled album, going for “Layla” by Derek and the Dominos. I’m not going to lie, either, it sets up a pretty effective back-bone for a trap banger about being awesome, especially with those squealing riffs in the chorus. Oh, yeah, and the mixing is horrible as expected, but to be honest to me it does not dampen the boasting, anthemic nature of this track, especially with Post Malone being a perfect choice to croon that infectious chorus. Megan Thee Stallion has a pretty embarrassingly by-the-numbers verse over a switch in the beat that makes it sound oddly stunted, but she does have that swinging rock charisma that people like Lil Baby do not have. With that said, I think I’m at the point where I eat anything Lil Baby says or does, because the flow switches combined with his frog-throat delivery is just impeccable. Content-wise, I think everyone here realises they’re being squashed by the clipping beat as they just go off about complete nonsense that goes in one ear and out the other apart from Lil Baby’s misguided but still pretty funny line about how he contemplated going vegan but sees no point in it because he’s got ten karats in both of his ears. Sure. At least DJ Khaled as something to do as he... harmonises, I guess, with Posty on the chorus. DaBaby is as distant as possible from the microphone to the point where I can barely hear him, not that it matters when his verse is that basic and short. This is kind of a trainwreck in all honesty, but with four choruses and a beat this heavy, it’s hard to be annoyed by it. Overwhelming maybe but these performers are all characters by themselves and throwing them in this three-minute chaos of squealing guitars and trap skitters just fascinates me if anything. Does it count as a posse cut? I don’t know. Either way, this is hilarious.

#5 – “Your Power” – Billie Eilish

Produced by FINNEAS

Decidedly not hilarious is this new single from Billie Eilish looking to be a smash from that upcoming album which now has a track listing and release date, with this functioning as I suppose the true lead single and her seventh top 10 here in the UK. It’s a brave choice too considering the lyrical content which is a pretty scathing attack on her ex-boyfriend and their abusive relationship, making several references to the gap in age and power dynamic that played into something really distressing for the both of them but especially a young, vulnerable Billie Eilish who found herself helpless in this relationship because of that “hero” quickly revealing himself as little more than his projected insecurities. The song’s detailed enough not to detach itself from Billie’s personal struggles but also works as what I suppose is a warning, as it’s retelling a story all too familiar with many girls of her age at the time who end up in these really scary situations. It does help that the song itself is great, relying on these layered acoustic guitars to form some kind of dejected groove behind Eilish’s vocals, whispery and cooing as always but in this case way too loud in the mix for my taste to the point where it kind of takes me out of the song as a whole. With a better master that blends her vocal take a lot better into the guitars, maybe going for a fuzzier, dream-pop angle, could work a lot better but with that said, I do understand the purpose of making it feel this intimate and minimal because Billie’s honest songwriting calls for a delivery like this, even if she ends up sounding shakier or even mumbling at times as a result. This is a big debut for Billie for a song not prepared to do as well as it did given its content and sound that is not exactly radio-friendly and oftentimes requires more heavy of a listen than a pop song would otherwise. I do love that final outro as her humming careens off the gentle guitars with just enough scratch but I do question how abrupt the ending is. Hopefully when the album’s out, we’ll have a bigger picture to as where this single in particular fits in.

Conclusion

With only five new arrivals and not much in the way of anything bad, I guess Worst of the Week goes to “Oblivion” by Royal Blood but giving a Dishonourable Mention would just end up as dishonest. Therefore, Best of the Week goes to Billie Eilish for “Your Power” but – and I cannot believe I am saying this for a 3/10 album with only fluke hits – but DJ Khaled – and Lil Baby for that matter – get a tied Honourable Mention for both of their songs, “EVERY CHANCE THAT I GET” with Lil Durk and “I DID IT” with Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion and DaBaby. Now to distract from the fact I just did that, here’s this week’s top 10:

I can’t really make any healthy predictions for next week. Maybe we’ll get some songs from Lil Tecca, Rag’n’Bone Man or Bebe Rexha? Maybe we’ll end up with some fluke Weezer smash hit, who knows? Regardless, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week.

[tricktster]

I read your thoughts post on CATS! the movie to my girlfriend this morning and we have definitely decided to go see this walking garbage fire of a movie together (likely stoned) because of you and your post. Thank you for blessing my eyes with your commentary 😂😂😂

I would not recommend being under the influence of anything more than the most mild buzz when you see Cats. A can of Coors light, slightly less than a glass of wine, sure, but I really recommend against getting appreciably intoxicated before you go. It would be like going to the best sushi restaurant on earth, ordering the omakase, watching the chef painstakingly prepare each piece of sashimi, and then smothering them all in hot fudge. I know, I know, there’s no disputing taste, but give it a shot on its own, man. I’ve had a long time to stew on this now, so let me make the case for Cats.

Cats was always going to be a critical flop, no matter what, because it is a film based on a stage musical (which critics tend to dismiss and is hard to pull off, adaption-wise), and more importantly, it’s a film based on a deeply uncool stage musical. I will acknowledge its flaws: there’s no fucking plot, it’s two and a half hours of cats introducing themselves until one of them gets to die, the little plot we get is impenetrable due to the density of nonsense words, and the music was dated the second it was written. It’s real offense, though, is its popularity. Critics panned the show from day one, but it endured for fucking decades because at the end of the day it was family friendly, and it was an engaging spectacle of colors and costumes and singing and dancing and sets and acrobatics etc etc. It was the kind of show your lamest midwestern aunt would see, and would leave feeling like she really got a taste of that Broadway Magic, and that - we, the people who Knew Better - was a travesty, because there was so much that was intelligent and challenging and good to see instead! It was like going to Manhattan for a single night in your life and eating at the Times Square Olive Garden.

You know why the Times Square Olive Garden exists? Because hundreds of thousands of people fucking do that. It’s not unique, it’s not adventurous, it’s not innovative, but an appreciable number of people are always gonna skip the best food in one of the culinary capitals of the world and hit the Olive Garden. That place makes a shitload of money. And when Universal Studios greenlit Cats, that was the only thing they were thinking of: This is an incredibly popular property that is going to make us a shitload of money. How do you justify spending millions of dollars on a top flight cast, on an incredible amount of CGI, on a massive ad campaign? The same reason Olive Garden pays through the nose in rent for their warehouse of a restaurant in a place where every square inch is at a premium - there’s a lot of people with mediocre taste out there who are going to make it worth the expense. All that the film Cats needed to do was the equivalent of dumping some neverending soup, salad and breadsticks on our table, and it would have all worked out.

The experience of seeing Cats in theaters is like walking into the Times Square Olive Garden, ordering the lasagna, and recieving a stack of excellent homemade tortillas sandwiched together with chocolate mousse and caviar. It’s in the same basic conceptual space as what you ordered, but... but it’s so fucking weird! It’s got all these good elements, but they’re so improbable next to each other, and you take a bite and it almost works and then you remember that you’re in a fucking Olive Garden, and you look around at all the other diners and they’ve all got similar combinations on their plates, and it’s all so close to what you might see at a extremely experimental haute cuisine place, but it’s not quite there, and everyone has the same look on their face as you, and then before you have time to process this, you’re being a handed another plate and this one’s a salad of organic little gem lettuce delicately tossed with mashed sweet corn and a bunch of soup dumplings, and it’s still a fucking Olive Garden!

How did this possibly slip through the corporate safeguards that, one would have expected, would stop this from happening?! It’s not just one guy in the kitchen back there, after all, it’s a full assembly of prep cooks and chefs and servers and managers and bussers and dishwashers and probably at least a few people from corporate, and nobody’s intervening! They all seem to think that this is what the Times Square Olive Garden crowd wants?!

You go home that night, and you’re just shaking your head at what a strange, offputting experience that was, but then a week goes by, and you’re still thinking of that meal. Another week, and it’s still looming over everything else you consume. When’s the last time you thought about a single restaurant meal for that long? Have you ever? You think of the other diners all the time. Are they still reeling too?

On the way home, three weeks in, you pick up a stack of tortillas for dinner. You’re thinking of that lasagna still. You’ve read all the newspaper articles by now, you know that they’re closing down the Times Square Olive Garden, and it’s going to be a Red Lobster by next week.

You look up reservations online for the Times Squad Olive Garden - out of morbid curiosity, you tell yourself - and you feel a pang of disappointment as you realize that ship has sailed. You only went once, and maybe once wasn’t enough. It wasn’t good, but it was like nothing you’ve ever, ever experienced before, and maybe that’s worth celebrating.

Go see Cats in theaters, if you still can. You’ll regret it, and you’ll be so glad you went.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Why I won't buy an Ipad: ten years later

Ten years ago, Apple released the Ipad. I was in a hotel room in Seattle, jetlagged and awake at 4AM while my wife and daughter slept.

I had been thinking about Apple's impending Ipad release and what a reversal it meant for everything I loved about tech: taking away your right to decide whose code you'd run -- even your right to change the battery! I wrote about my feelings and many people read it. It even rated a mention in Walter Isaacson's biography of Steve Jobs.

A decade later, the Ipad is ten years old and Apple has killed 20 state Right to Repair bills, in part to lock out third parties who might change you batteries for you.

I just reread that piece, and I still stand by it.

Why I won't buy an iPad (and think you shouldn't, either)

I've spent ten years now on Boing Boing, finding cool things that people have done and made and writing about them. Most of the really exciting stuff hasn't come from big corporations with enormous budgets, it's come from experimentalist amateurs. These people were able to make stuff and put it in the public's eye and even sell it without having to submit to the whims of a single company that had declared itself gatekeeper for your phone and other personal technology.

Danny O'Brien does a very good job of explaining why I'm completely uninterested in buying an iPad -- it really feels like the second coming of the CD-ROM "revolution" in which "content" people proclaimed that they were going to remake media by producing expensive (to make and to buy) products. I was a CD-ROM programmer at the start of my tech career, and I felt that excitement, too, and lived through it to see how wrong I was, how open platforms and experimental amateurs would eventually beat out the spendy, slick pros.

I remember the early days of the web -- and the last days of CD ROM -- when there was this mainstream consensus that the web and PCs were too durned geeky and difficult and unpredictable for "my mom" (it's amazing how many tech people have an incredibly low opinion of their mothers). If I had a share of AOL for every time someone told me that the web would die because AOL was so easy and the web was full of garbage, I'd have a lot of AOL shares.

And they wouldn't be worth much.

Incumbents made bad revolutionaries Relying on incumbents to produce your revolutions is not a good strategy. They're apt to take all the stuff that makes their products great and try to use technology to charge you extra for it, or prohibit it altogether.

I mean, look at that Marvel app (just look at it). I was a comic-book kid, and I'm a comic-book grownup, and the thing that made comics for me was sharing them. If there was ever a medium that relied on kids swapping their purchases around to build an audience, it was comics. And the used market for comics! It was -- and is -- huge, and vital. I can't even count how many times I've gone spelunking in the used comic-bins at a great and musty store to find back issues that I'd missed, or sample new titles on the cheap. (It's part of a multigenerational tradition in my family -- my mom's father used to take her and her sibs down to Dragon Lady Comics on Queen Street in Toronto every weekend to swap their old comics for credit and get new ones).

So what does Marvel do to "enhance" its comics? They take away the right to give, sell or loan your comics. What an improvement. Way to take the joyous, marvellous sharing and bonding experience of comic reading and turn it into a passive, lonely undertaking that isolates, rather than unites. Nice one, Misney.

Infantalizing hardware Then there's the device itself: clearly there's a lot of thoughtfulness and smarts that went into the design. But there's also a palpable contempt for the owner. I believe -- really believe -- in the stirring words of the Maker Manifesto: if you can't open it, you don't own it. Screws not glue. The original Apple ][+ came with schematics for the circuit boards, and birthed a generation of hardware and software hackers who upended the world for the better. If you wanted your kid to grow up to be a confident, entrepreneurial, and firmly in the camp that believes that you should forever be rearranging the world to make it better, you bought her an Apple ][+.

But with the iPad, it seems like Apple's model customer is that same stupid stereotype of a technophobic, timid, scatterbrained mother as appears in a billion renditions of "that's too complicated for my mom" (listen to the pundits extol the virtues of the iPad and time how long it takes for them to explain that here, finally, is something that isn't too complicated for their poor old mothers).

The model of interaction with the iPad is to be a "consumer," what William Gibson memorably described as "something the size of a baby hippo, the color of a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a double-wide on the outskirts of Topeka. It's covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth... no genitals, and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote."

The way you improve your iPad isn't to figure out how it works and making it better. The way you improve the iPad is to buy iApps. Buying an iPad for your kids isn't a means of jump-starting the realization that the world is yours to take apart and reassemble; it's a way of telling your offspring that even changing the batteries is something you have to leave to the professionals.

Dale Dougherty's piece on Hypercard and its influence on a generation of young hackers is a must-read on this. I got my start as a Hypercard programmer, and it was Hypercard's gentle and intuitive introduction to the idea of remaking the world that made me consider a career in computers.

Wal-Martization of the software channel And let's look at the iStore. For a company whose CEO professes a hatred of DRM, Apple sure has made DRM its alpha and omega. Having gotten into business with the two industries that most believe that you shouldn't be able to modify your hardware, load your own software on it, write software for it, override instructions given to it by the mothership (the entertainment industry and the phone companies), Apple has defined its business around these principles. It uses DRM to control what can run on your devices, which means that Apple's customers can't take their "iContent" with them to competing devices, and Apple developers can't sell on their own terms.

The iStore lock-in doesn't make life better for Apple's customers or Apple's developers. As an adult, I want to be able to choose whose stuff I buy and whom I trust to evaluate that stuff. I don't want my universe of apps constrained to the stuff that the Cupertino Politburo decides to allow for its platform. And as a copyright holder and creator, I don't want a single, Wal-Mart-like channel that controls access to my audience and dictates what is and is not acceptable material for me to create. The last time I posted about this, we got a string of apologies for Apple's abusive contractual terms for developers, but the best one was, "Did you think that access to a platform where you can make a fortune would come without strings attached?" I read it in Don Corleone's voice and it sounded just right. Of course I believe in a market where competition can take place without bending my knee to a company that has erected a drawbridge between me and my customers!

Journalism is looking for a daddy figure I think that the press has been all over the iPad because Apple puts on a good show, and because everyone in journalism-land is looking for a daddy figure who'll promise them that their audience will go back to paying for their stuff. The reason people have stopped paying for a lot of "content" isn't just that they can get it for free, though: it's that they can get lots of competing stuff for free, too. The open platform has allowed for an explosion of new material, some of it rough-hewn, some of it slick as the pros, most of it targetted more narrowly than the old media ever managed. Rupert Murdoch can rattle his saber all he likes about taking his content out of Google, but I say do it, Rupert. We'll miss your fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of the Web so little that we'll hardly notice it, and we'll have no trouble finding material to fill the void.

Just like the gadget press is full of devices that gadget bloggers need (and that no one else cares about), the mainstream press is full of stories that affirm the internal media consensus. Yesterday's empires do something sacred and vital and most of all grown up, and that other adults will eventually come along to move us all away from the kids' playground that is the wild web, with its amateur content and lack of proprietary channels where exclusive deals can be made. We'll move back into the walled gardens that best return shareholder value to the investors who haven't updated their portfolios since before eTrade came online.

But the real economics of iPad publishing tell a different story: even a stellar iPad sales performance isn't going to do much to stanch the bleeding from traditional publishing. Wishful thinking and a nostalgia for the good old days of lockdown won't bring customers back through the door.

Gadgets come and gadgets go Gadgets come and gadgets go. The iPad you buy today will be e-waste in a year or two (less, if you decide not to pay to have the battery changed for you). The real issue isn't the capabilities of the piece of plastic you unwrap today, but the technical and social infrastructure that accompanies it.

If you want to live in the creative universe where anyone with a cool idea can make it and give it to you to run on your hardware, the iPad isn't for you.

If you want to live in the fair world where you get to keep (or give away) the stuff you buy, the iPad isn't for you.

If you want to write code for a platform where the only thing that determines whether you're going to succeed with it is whether your audience loves it, the iPad isn't for you.

https://boingboing.net/2020/01/27/nascent-boulangism.html

[lovecolibri]

Season 2 Episode 5: Things that did NOT Spark Joy

Are you buckled in? Because this is going to be a ride and it is going to be a SALTY one. Feel free to indulge in the sparks joy post if you would like something with less vitriol and a lower sodium level.

I don’t even know where to begin. I am so torn because there were some beautiful performances in this episode, and the feelings and emotions were there, but the words were all so contradictory to what we have already seen. There were so many things in this episode that didn’t make sense, directly contradicted what was said earlier, or displayed a fundamental misunderstanding of trauma, and privilege, and who these characters are and I’m not sure I can coherently type it out. I’m an enneagram type 4 so I have ALL of the feelings and it can be difficult to get them into words that make sense to other people, but lucky for you (or not) I’m going to give it a shot! 

Well, as long as we’re diving in, might as well start at the deep end. 

First, Maria saying they’re “even” is garbage. The alien secret was not Alex’s secret to tell. And the irony really hit when two minutes later Maria is going on and on about how her mom deserves to keep her secrets, which could potentially lead to answers about where she disappeared to for a month. But the alien’s don’t deserve to keep their secret which is tied up in literal torture and government experimentation? Now after Noah, she had every right to be angry about not being told by the people who’s secret it WAS to tell, and the fact that Liz could have asked that Maria be brought in after she was possessed but was actively against telling her. But none of that had anything to do with Alex (and we don’t even know how much he knows about what happened at the gala). And in NO WAY does that make them “even”. It’s not a tally competition to see who has more marks against them, that isn’t how real friendships work. And Alex just shrugs it off because this show has no time for people to have important conversations or for actions to have consequences apparently so it is swept under the rug along with everything else. If the show didn’t want Alex to be “mean”, it still could have had him be understanding, but cold. He could have told her he needed time, but still been there for her next episode when she needs help with her mom. Because THAT is the kind of good friend that Alex is.

The rest of the conversation was just as awful as I feared. Apparently, Maria has zero control over her own actions and “couldn’t help” doing what she did? (Which, lest we forget, is pursue and date someone that she KNEW Alex was feeling hopeful about without making any effort to talk to him about it until MONTHS later. There have been several time jumps and we are literally months down the road from episode 1x13.) And Alex telling her to not write Michael off because Michael LOVES HER? What. The. Actual. Fuck. Is. Happening. I have a lot of thoughts, so bear with me as I try to put this in order because I feel like I’m losing my mind. And, because I’m nice, I’m going to put it under the cut because there is a LOT to unpack here.

Everyone is going on and on about how glad they are that Alex was the “bigger person” and did the “mature, adult” thing, and thank goodness he wasn’t mean or angry because that just isn’t him and he’s a “good guy”, and now him and Maria can be friends again. And ya’ll? I am about to lose my shit. Because Alex Manes absolutely IS that guy. He stands up to injustice. He doesn’t allow his friends to be treated like crap, and he has started standing up for himself too. Because being hurt and angry when your friends treat you badly and expressing that to them in a healthy way is the “mature, adult” thing to do. Because being a “good guy” DOES NOT MEAN allowing people to walk all over you, stab you in the back, and then NOT APOLOGIZE. Stop equating being a “nice” friend with “not making a fuss that could upset the friendship”. That is a trauma response. 

Which brings me to the second part of this that is so frustrating. Because of course Alex is going to act this way. Alex is traumatized, and a survivor of horrific childhood abuse. We have seen him stand up for himself to his dad, and his old bully, and stand up for others, but no one “gets over” all their trauma, and it doesn’t just go away. Him reverting to feeling like he isn’t good enough for Michael is something he is still struggling with, and honestly it’s kind of expected because Michael specifically told him they weren’t good for each other. So I’m not saying it’s unrealistic for Alex to react like this. My frustration comes from a) people thinking he’s acting that way because it’s the “nice” thing to do, and Alex is a good guy, so he must be “nice” to his friends, and b) because if  the show wants to write Alex responding this way, then we need SOMEONE to confirm for Alex (and the viewers) that he does not deserve to be treated this way. If we had Kyle (or literally anyone at all) call Maria out, or if Maria came and apologized and refused to let Alex wave it aside and stopped going after Michael, then I would feel better. Because Maria’s actions are absolutely NOT okay. But the problem is, C*rina has said that she thinks Maria didn’t do anything wrong and of course her and Alex would be friends while she tries dating the love of his life (that she constantly puts down TO ALEX). Because Alex is “nice” and Maria was just a little “selfish”, and this is something that will just blow over because the grownup thing to do is brush it aside 🙃. It makes me want to throw things. We are never going to get the narrative satisfaction we deserve and that the show had the opportunity to produce, because C*rina thinks that this is normal, acceptable, adult behavior. 

Us fans can say all we want that Alex is hurting, or pushing Michael towards Maria because he doesn’t think he “deserves” Michael, but the show has never confirmed that. We don’t see Alex talking to anyone else about how he feels seeing Michael and Maria together, or having a private breakdown about it, so the viewers can know he’s upset. We had that moment with Liz breaking down in the shower so we could see she was putting on a brave face but was still hurting. Why don’t we get to see that with Alex? C*rina has even said Alex is ashamed of Michael specifically so what in the narrative is supposed to make use believe they truly love each other? Luckily, we have Vlamis and Tyler’s beautiful chemistry together that just exudes love every second they are on screen together or talk about one another, but it would be nice to have the narrative confirm what is going on. 

And now, because we are not getting the reaction from Alex, or Maria that the narrative demands, we are left with an Alex in this scene that plays off the love of his life moving on with his best friend like it’s nothing. Like his feelings aren’t that deep, and he doesn’t care all that much about Michael. Like it was 10 years in the past and is no big deal. Cosmic whomst? This triangle had already destroyed Maria’s character in episode 1x13, and tainted Michael’s when he didn’t seek her out in the haze of a grief spiral, but several weeks later after he had pulled himself together and knew exactly what he was doing, and now this episode took a swing at Alex. It  used him to a) push M*luca, and state that Maria did nothing wrong, b) further push the idea that Maria is “good” for Michael, where Alex is “bad” for him, c) that Maria, a woman, will be able to “fix” all of Michael’s trauma that is partially wrapped up not just in homophobic abuse, but also some pretty serious Mommy issues right now which, gross, and d) to downplay the epic, 10 year long soulmate story and make it look like a high school crush that is long since over. And alllll this, just so C*rina can have a love triangle. This season has tarnished the Malex story from last season, not beyond repair I don’t think, but it won’t ever be the same as that love we saw in season one that got everyone so hooked into this ship. And that…I’m not sure that is forgivable.

We learn about that summer before Alex left and I am…conflicted. There have been some other great posts about Alex feeling uncomfortable with Michael’s anger, escalating violence, and reckless actions. And we can see in the flashback scene that Alex is coming from a place of love, but also fear. He doesn’t want to be used by Michael to “fix” his issues. Also if his dad was able to hurt Michael with no provocation other than being with Alex, then what could happen to Michael if he is making noise, and getting into trouble? It is drawing a spotlight onto Michael and Alex just wants him to be safe and for him to get away from Roswell where his dad can’t hurt him again. This is the start of their miscommunication issues and it is painful to watch but not in the good way with angst you know is going to have a satisfying conclusion.

But also, what I heard when he said that Michael wasn’t a person worth staying in Roswell for anymore (even IF he kept kissing Alex), was that it was Michael’s behavior that pushed Alex into the military, which makes LITERALLY zero sense? What do we know about teen!Alex? He wanted to make music, and he wanted to get out of Roswell and away from his dad, and after the shed he wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. We also know that he was able to become a code breaker capable of hacking Russian and Chinese intelligence so he is also clearly smart and probably had some scholarship opportunities of his own. Going to college outside of Roswell, pursing music (Eastern NM University is near Roswell and has a great music program and as an in-state school would be fairly easy and inexpensive to get into), living his life on HIS terms are all ways Alex could have “won” against his dad. It was widely assumed, given Jesse’s violent reaction to finding Michael and Alex together, that Jesse forced Alex into the military by threatening Michael. Narratively this makes waaaay more sense, and offers a wealth of angst and drama to play with while explaining a lot Alex’s behaviors over the years. But instead, the story is heaping more blame onto Michael by saying Alex went into the military, not to protect him (because Alex is chronically self-sacrificing), but to get away from him. Unless there is something else that we haven’t seen yet that pushes Alex into the Air Force, this seems both like a wildly out of character thing for teen!Alex to do, and like a dig against Michael, along with being a huge missed opportunity for how the Malex storyline could be going.

This part of the conversation also brings up something interesting in telling us that apparently Maria DID know about the abuse? Because I thought NO ONE really knew. And it was said specifically that Maria didn’t know BY C*RINA. Does she even watch her own show? She stated a “fact” to try and make Maria not look like such a terrible person (which is all her own fault anyway for writing Maria like this) and then it was verbally contradicted on the show a week or two later! C*rina treating her fans with such derision and disdain for making, quite franking, well and deeply thought out predictions, and informed, calculated guesses about the story and how these characters would react is ridiculous when her show comes out a week later and proves those people right. It is weird, and very frustrating. 

Maria has the gall, after not apologizing, to ask “why aren’t you mad at me?” Which of course Alex brushes off with kind words, a gentle voice and while looking at her softly like she isn’t hooking up with the love of his life without saying anything to him for months about it. I said in an earlier post that the whole interaction between these two this episode played out like the fever dream of someone who had slept with a person they knew their friend liked and didn’t understand why their friend was upset and this is how they thought things should have gone. Maria is coy and batting her eyes at Alex and he is laughing the whole thing off and it is SO CRINGY! And it’s doubly frustrating because I LIKED their friendship, I think the actors have great chemistry together, and I would have loved to see them acting this easy with each other, WHICH WE COULD HAVE HAD if the story had chosen to leave M&M as a drunken hookup in Texas and allowed them to go back to being sassy friends and Maria could then commiserate with both of them about how difficult the other was being as an invested observer, but not an involved party.

Which reminds me that she brought up Texas but they had already established in season 1 when they talked about it that she didn’t do anything wrong there because she didn’t know at the time, which Alex reiterates here. But at no point does she bring up the past several months where she absolutely DID know how Alex felt and just didn’t bother to talk to him about it. And while Michael may have said it was long over, ALEX is her friend, she knew ALEX was still feeling hopeful about it, and ALEX was the one she should have been asking the question of first because while she doesn’t need Alex’s permission to do anything, a good friend does try not to actively hurt their friends. And in this moment, she STILL doesn’t ask him if he still has feelings for Michael. Would Alex tell the truth? Maybe not. BUT you can’t tell me that Maria who is a psychic and could feel something just by looking at Isobel Evans who is not her supposed BFF, couldn’t feel anything at all from Alex about how he is really feeling about her and Michael being together or about Michael in general. Which again, pushes the idea that his feelings for Michael are so little that he isn’t even the tiniest bit hurt or conflicted about Michael moving on, even if he thinks it’s for the best because he doesn’t feel like he deserves Michael at this point. You can love someone, and let them go because you genuinely want them to be happy, and still feel sadness that you weren’t what they wanted, and Maria should be able to easily pick up on that. I guess she is only psychic when it’s convenient.

It is the easiest thing in the world to fall in love with Michael Guerin, apparently. But we still have YET to see Maria have a good thing to say about him, aside from vague, sexual innuendos. Even in this scene, Alex says something good about Michael and Maria follows it up with a dig about him. I have yet to see anything from Maria that shows she actually even likes Michael, like, as a person. Sure, she finds him to be a convenient, fun, distraction, but we keep getting told that she is somehow, suddenly in love but nothing is SHOWING us that she even likes who he is, or anything about him besides what he can do for her. And that again, kicks Maria’s character down another notch because who decides to betray their best friend for a convenient fuck? Maria is getting SHAFTED as a character when we could have had so much more from her. I cringe every time she is on screen and I hate that because I liked her in season one before the finale and I wanted to see more from her, but I can’t stand her now.

Ummmm, Apparently Alex thinks him and Kyle aren’t friends? Which, we all know Alex isn’t the most reliable narrator, but after all of last season and this one of snappy dialogue, and Kyle offering advice, and taking out Alex’s dad and all of that, I was very confused to see Kyle mentioned as someone Alex was working with out of “duty” but hadn’t forgiven, at the same time he is being shown to let Maria off the hook without her even offering an actual apology. Kyle has not only apologized, he is also actively showing a pattern of changed behavior. He makes it a point to tell Alex he is not judging him for liking Michael and he goes out of his way to offer advice on Alex talking to Michael, even though it’s a little strained and uncomfortable. He is trying to earn back Alex’s trust. But for all that, he’s not forgiven, while Maria, who not only did not apologize, but also went so far as to equate her making an informed choice to date someone she knew Alex was feeling hopeful about with Alex not telling a secret that wasn’t his to share has nothing to be forgiven for? Look. Alex is under no obligation to forgive Kyle anything, no matter how Kyle has changed because he was still abusive towards Alex and only Alex can make that call if he wants to invite that back into his life. However, we have been consistently shown that him and Kyle are working well together, and joking around, and being friendly. Which is confusing when the narrative then TELLS us that they aren’t friends, despite what we are clearly seeing before our eyes.

I am extremely frustrated because this show is trying so hard to be “woke” and show that actions have consequences, but not all the time, and not for everyone. Kyle was called out for being a bully, Max was called out for putting Rosa in the drivers seat of her own car where of course she would be sitting because his privilege meant he didn’t think about the optics like Rosa surely would have every time she was driving other (especially white) people around, and Alex gets called out for his push-pull relationship with Michael. But on the other hand, Liz told Kyle about Max being an alien immediately after she swore she wouldn’t say anything to anyone, Maria outed Michael to Liz with no repercussions, Rosa told Maria about aliens without consulting anyone first and at a point in the story where they all know exactly how deadly it can be for people to find out the truth, Maria goes behind Alex’s back and dates Michael when she knows how Alex feels about Michael, and Max and Isobel constantly have problematic conversations with Michael where their privilege and assumptions about him are never addressed (which I will get more into below).  “But,” you say. “But it’s a fictional story!” Yeah. A fictional story that is tackling current social issues. But apparently only when it’s convenient, or wins C*rina “woke” points. I don’t expect picture perfect characters having picture perfect responses to everything, but what I DO expect is for there to be consequences, for the show to call characters out when they are being problematic, and for there to be a coherent storyline. We use stories to make social commentary, and to explore what happens when people we love and care about make hard, or painful, or bad choices. And this show has pointed out those things as something they are trying to do. And in order for that to work, there have to be consequences, good and bad, for the character’s actions when they make choices. For the show to brush aside some really important things while touting how “woke” it’s being is very frustrating.

But wait! There’s MORE! Because everyone also seems to think this was a really great sibling episode for the pod squad and like, not to be that person (again, still, always) but are we watching the same show?

-In one scene, Isobel: 

Lectures Michael on how much her and Max were always trying to be there for him because they are “family” 

Blames him for shutting them out and not letting them help (in the ways that they thought were helpful, not in ways Michael actually needed support)

Then proceeds to tell him she just went through an horrific ordeal WHICH SHE COMPLETELY SHUT HIM OUT OF

Then tells him she only made it through by imagining MAX was there when Michael was ACTUALLY available and could have, would have, been there for her (even if it was just her calling to tell him she was having a hard day, no details included. THAT is an Isobel/Michael scene I would have loved to see)

Followed by Isobel saying this was something she had to do on her own after she JUST SAID she needed to imagine Max to get through it! 

I feel like I got whiplash, this scene was just contradicting itself every other second! Now, to be clear, Isobel had every right to make choices for her body, on her own, without the input of her brothers, so her saying it was something she had to do alone is totally understandable. BUT the juxtaposition of her lecturing Michael about not allowing them to help him, with her immediately talking about how she did NOT ask Michael for help, and was relying on an imaginary Max to help her AND ALSO she had to do it alone was so weird! And it’s frustrating because the acting was great, and Isobel was being so soft with Michael and they were having this good, heart-to-heart chat but the writing was so all over the place!

-It’s later brought up by Michael that Max never believed him when he tried to be someone he wasn’t and never gave up on him, but we saw consistently in season one Max being really hard on Michael and there are numerous posts and metas about how poorly Max and Isobel have treated Michael over the years, not because they are mean and don’t care about him, but because they can’t see past their privilege to understand what Michael actually needs from them. I believe they want to be good siblings for Michael, but they don’t know how and the show has had several opportunities to address that. Instead, in this episode they decided to rewrite last season and act like Max and Isobel weren’t constantly putting Michael down.Think about that snide voice Isobel used to ask Michael if there was anyone he even cared about enough to risk anything to save them. Like he is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but himself? Think about that condescending voice Max ALWAYS uses with Michael, and how the bunker scene was so tone deaf on how to talk to people about their trauma. Max even says out loud to Michael’s face that they aren’t family and aren’t even friends! So what reason does Michael have exactly to act like family with these people who keep coming to him only when they need something, all while putting him down about how he is a disappointment to them.

-Later, we have Isobel, who still thinks that Michael killed those three girls, showing up at his door telling him she needs help to move a body?! I know it’s supposed to be a callback to Michael’s interaction with Liz, which still wasn’t great but at that point Liz knew he hadn’t actually killed anyone. For Isobel to do it here was really painful and uncomfortable to watch. I guess we’re just supposed to laugh at the callback and not think about what panic Michael, who knew that Isobel (to the best of his knowledge) HAD killed three people, might have felt in that moment before he realized she meant drunk Max. Like, OUCH.  And I think this is another thing that won’t ever be addressed, but had the potential to be a source of good angst that lead to growth for the characters involved.

-Then we get Isobel telling Michael that Max only became a cop because of Michael, so that guilt is on Michael too as to why Max isn’t pursuing his dream of being a writer. Because everything Michael has ever done apparently is a burden to Max and Isobel. 🙄

There was so much blame being shifted onto Michael in this episode, and it made me really uncomfortable, especially seeing everyone talk about how great they thought this episode was. It was just…sooo disheartening to see how this episode had Isobel dumping all the blame on Michael for their failure after all these years to learn from their mistakes and figure out how to successfully integrate Michael into their family. Michael absolutely is responsible for his actions, but he is also a deeply traumatized individual, starting in his childhood and continuing with new traumas piled on throughout his life and he is currently going through another massive trauma. But blame is different than responsibility, and this episode first saw Isobel shifting the blame over to Michael, and then later, Michael taking on that blame for not being a good enough brother to Max like Max wasn’t physically throwing Michael into the side of his truck in anger, and using every opportunity to point out all of Michael’s flaws to him. And nowhere do we see Max or Isobel take any responsibility for how they have treated Michael over the years.

-Lastly, having Isobel, knowing what it felt like to realize and live with the fact that Noah invaded her mind and used her to kill people, violently circumvent Rosa’s consent and use her body and mind because she couldn’t be bothered to explain what she needed from Rosa in more detail, was deeply unsettling and I hope it gets addressed since this show has been pretty good when it comes to consent issues. But I’ve got a feeling that it’s going to be swept aside with everything else.

Overall, there are just so many missed opportunities for this show to explore these deeper issues, and have productive angst that leads to communication and growth. But instead, important stuff is happening off screen, we keep getting told things with nothing on screen to back it up, or being shown one thing and told something else. And the way Michael’s relationship with his siblings and Maria’s betrayal of her friendship with Alex was handled in this episode was deeply disappointing, especially when we have a cast that could absolutely pull off some AMAZING, and heartbreaking performances. I was dying to see how Michael would react to finding out Alex enlisted, and how Alex would react to Michael’s hand being healed, and Alex realizing Maria was going after Michael and hadn’t talked to him about it at all. And we have been robbed of those performances.

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Infinity War (3)

CHAPTER 3: TIME

Loki & The Avengers

Summary: A work inspired by @queencfthestarsdrfoster ‘s post of the universe where Loki is alive and Thor is avenged.

Series: Will contain all- and more- that we saw in Infinity War. Will not contain smut and fluff for obvious reasons. Might contain weird humor though.

Chapter content: Loki comes to earth.

Warnings: ...none, surprisingly.

Word count: I’ve started learning German. Like really basic German. I haven’t told anyone because *shrugs* I don’t know whenever I share something with someone it just...the thing just dilutes its importance and suddenly I do not seem to appreciate the thing I was doing, anymore. So, for now, it’s just me and this always-skipped wordcount that knows that. I’m also learning three other languages (just basics now) side by side.

MASTERLIST & Taglist in bio, my love

Jay & The Americans sing Come A Little Bit Closer in the lone pod traveling inevitably towards Earth as the scanners show another intruder ship in the atmosphere.

“Oh Hel,” Loki whispers to himself, giving the machine coordinates for the last place he heard Heimdall whisper to send the Hulk. The warning lights go all out as the destination is entered but Loki doesn’t have much time to think about it. The foreign spaceship has anchored itself on the planet, already going in with the intent of ‘be ruled or be killed’. He creates a trajectory for the landing in order to avoid any prying aliens and still be able to hit the ground without dying.

At least that’s what he intends to do until his eyes catch the whirlwind and he has to maneuver around the nearest building, avoid the lampposts, hit one, let his makeshift ship do multiple three-sixties till it lands in the same building he was last in when he had visited earth with Thor.

“Ugh,” he groans in pain, using the impact of the ship to try and hide the pain from the memory of watching his brother die, “I knew I could not trust anything owned by Quill!”

"What is he the lord of? Garbage technology?" Loki grumbles to himself for having to put too much effort into getting out of the totaled pod and finding himself facing a soft-looking man who is staring at him with a tilted head and a confused expression on his face.

"You're...Loki?" The chubby man states rather than ask the God.

"Wow," Loki tries to catch his breath, giving the man a smirk, "my reputation precedes me. And you are…?"

"Wong." The man shifts his hands to project golden sparkles covering his fists, making Loki give him a two-second judgmental stare before a sigh leaves his rapidly healing body.

"I'd nearly forgotten about that," he whispers to himself. "I come in peace, sorcerer," he announces, raising his hands, "as you can see, the earth is in trouble and your heroes-"

A wail comes and goes from above the crashed building they stand it, sounding almost-childlike.

"Is that...a kid?"

Wong too reruns the wail he just heard, never letting his guard down. "No…I hope not." But he is clearly worried about who that must have been.

"Do you know what's going on outside, Wong?" Loki asks the sorcerer.

"Something to do with you, I'm assuming," Wong almost sings back, his voice heavy and his stance never faltering. "Banner told us about Thanos. And you're supposed to be dead along with your brother.

Loki blinks. His throat feels heavy. But all he does is swallow it- like he always has. Just another gash in the lifetime of hurt. Only this one hurts like a pounding ache in the head.

"Thor's dead," his voice does not rise above a whisper, controlling the only way he knows how to react to the chest ache he gets now and then- rage. "And if you do not listen to me, mortal, you might as well be digging the entire universe's grave."

.

"Kid! Where'd you come from?"

Stark looks at Peter in his usual 'streetwear' blocking the alien from hitting him while asking Tony what was going on.

"A field trip to MoMA!" the boy nearly shrieks at the end as he is thrown away by the Black Dwarf.

From the corner of the street, Loki sees the chaos unfurling itself everywhere. From Ebony Maw- the most ruthless and disorientedly cunning of the Black Order- gaining in on Strange to the Black Dwarf using his strength in the most potent way on Stark and...

"That is a kid," Loki hears himself say in sheer disbelief. "When did Stark have a son?"

The building he is standing beside glows in a small circle before giving way to a huffing Wong walking straight through the portal with a mixture of fear and anger.

"You better have a plan," he is almost disgusted at himself to be asking Loki for help, "because these guys are beating the shit out of Strange and Stark. And on good days I like seeing Strange being beaten at something!"

Loki looks at Wong's pleading eyes not even trying to mask the helplessness the man is feeling at this moment. He likes this one. Mostly because they care so much for the same guy.

"Well, you're in luck then," Loki declares, taking off his cloak.

"I have a plan."

.

Ebony Maw. The master of torture, the creature who excels in every type of experimental pain he has ever come up with, fueled up by the cries of millions he has 'sacrificed' in the name of the greater good. He finally tastes the juices flowing inside him when he wraps the wizard inside the vines to take him up inside the ship and begin the most 'pure ritual in the world to cleanse this creature'. Everything in the name of balance. At last. The glory will be his master's. And the satisfaction of having ended those who oppose the master, his.

The ship is already getting away from the atmosphere and down below he can see the faint trail of fire coming towards the ship before going off.

He scoffs internally. Humans. Pretending they can own the universe.

An explosion echoes through the ship, taking away all the attention from his meandering thoughts to whatever little ruckus these sorry creatures have thought of now. A look at his screen and he finds balls of fire being thrown at the ship through the portals Stephen and his comrade had been using- or trying to use on him.

He wants to retaliate, show them their worth, but that would require him to take bits and pieces of his own battleship to be turned in the sharpest daggers before cutting through the portals and gutting whosoever lies behind them.

"Unworthy scum," is all he has to say before he warps away with the treasure he was here for.

.

Bruce is already closing his eyes when he hears Tony barge through the front door, stomping in with blood boiling through his veins.

"BANNER!" he shouts, coming to a halt near his face before hissing, "you better have a really good reason for telling me that the stone is safe just when I was nearly able to reach Voldemort's ship because I saw that grey bitch take the doctor with him."

"The stone is safe."

He turns around at Peter's voice.

"Kid," he nearly seems to have a stroke as he sees Peter standing in the sanctum in front of him, "I thought you were following the wi-"

"The wizard, yes," comes Peter's voice, again but from Tony's right this time.

Now Tony definitely seems to be having a stroke.

"What the hell is going on here?" Tony is frozen at his point, "Did you have a twin all this time, Parker?"

"Wha-no Mr. Stark," the one his right speaks, while the left one just smirks at him, arching his good brow and standing with his arms behind his back like...like...

"Who the hell are you?"

He is wishing it not be true.

"You know who I am, Stark," the Peter on his left stresses. In a British accent. "I missed you too."

"Show me your face, you son of a bitch," Tony hasn't blinked for a long time now and the real Peter can already feel his mentor's displeasure reach its peak.

"He helped me get Mr. Wizard to safety Mr. Stark," Peter nearly squeaks, fearing what Tony might do to the other guy. Just then he is awed by the golden and green light glittering away his image into someone taller- much taller- than him.

But Tony doesn't flinch.

"Now," Loki declares, the scars from the deep wounds still reflecting the blood over his face, giving his best smile to Tony, "let's have that drink, shall we?"