#might have to rewatch utena after this

[the-best-bagel]

Ooku is so close to having something cool to say about gender but the second i think they might do it they curve me and have the unwell crossdressing lady's happy ending be becoming traditionally feminine and submissive to her husband who became assertive and traditionally masculine.

[the-cooler-king]

Oh yeah..... midnight gospel be hitting.... sitting in my bed fuckin. Crying. Get a grip girl

[local-lamppost]

"Should have made takoyaki..."

I'm rewatching Utena and have just finished episode 4. One of my favorite things to do on rewatches is to study Anthy, specifically when she is alone.

Her scene alone in episode 4 is during the study group after Nanami screams about the shaved ice dinner and the animals Anthy keeps. She leaves right before Nanami asks if Miki is in love with her, escaping to the piano room to lure Miki in with the Sunlit Garden song, but before that she says:

It's a small thing and for a while I thought it was just her musing about what she could cook (with her limited cooking ability) that would've pacified Nanami, but that's out of character. It'd be out of character in this episode alone if she suddenly tried to make nice with Nanami, so why does she consider takoyaki?

Anthy likes animals, that's one of the few true traits she keeps, so it can only be assumed that her treatment of the animals Nanami brings are harsh because they are Nanami's animals. The snail is either thrown out or assimilated into Anthy's own hoard of pencil box snails, the garter snake is eaten by Mr. Mongoose, but the octopus is left alone.

For those who don't know takoyaki is made from octopus, not only that but we do not see Anthy's face this scene.

I think Anthy is thinking over how better she could have hurt Nanami. Her face can't be shown here or the audience might find something devious there, something reflective of the witch she truly is. To feed Nanami the very octopus which was intended to take Anthy down, to show her who is really the one with the power between the two of them.

[gumihoe]

rewatching things i liked as a kid now that i'm an adult with a fully developed brain is wild. when i watched revolutionary girl utena in 6th grade i was just like euhehe girls gay heehee handsome girl hoohoohoo gay girls gay gay homosexual gay. rewatching utena as an adult is like

ending the cycle of abuse can only be done from within. ultimately we can't save those who are trapped in an abusive relationship, they have to choose to leave by their own will. what we can do, however, is fight like hell to give them the support that they need to make that choice. there are no princes and princesses in this world. trying to play the role of a prince or princess is an empty idealization and only once we stop playing those roles can we experience true connection. the revolution won't be loud and huge and earth-shattering. we won't bring about revolution by power or force or fighting those who we're told are our enemies. the real revolution will be our small moments of kindness. so small that we might not even be remembered, but our impact will be felt. helping people move past their traumas and improve their toxic relationships, so that they in turn may pay it forward and help more people who need it. one person at a time, one genuine connection after another, we will revolutionize the world.

[housewarningparty]

💙

For the ask meme ^_^

(you sent another message clarifiying this prompt was for juri/shiori)

hell yeah, jare. i haven't written much utena BUT i did rewatch the first two shiori eps for this and i got really into it. thanks for the prompt!

-

Shiori thinks that it might be pathetic, to have planned every aspect of this evening down to the finest detail with Juri in mind. She’d chosen this dress, this perfume, this exact place to sneak away (far enough from the rest of the party to be an apparent bid for privacy, too near to be a successful one) all with Juri in mind.

She’d even chosen this boy, thinking of Juri. He had a reputation, popular with girls, unserious about them. Girls whispered his name in hallways to warn each other about him, that he was cruel, his attentions fleeting. They all still wrote him love notes. Sighed his name dreamily to each other in huddled crowds scattered around the basketball court as they watched him play.

Juri didn’t like him. Shiori noticed the way Juri’s face changed when he was spoken of around her — the tiniest tightening at her mouth, lemon-flesh sourness Shiori could imagine bursting on her tongue, the glances she cast at those girls who wanted him, half disdainful, half pitying.

Shiori knew he was the one she had to slip away with. Not because Juri wanted him. Because she despised him so.

Because Shiori knew that Juri would see.

Shiori made it easy, let him bring her drinks, stronger and stronger, let herself lean against him, laughed when he wanted her to laugh, listened raptly when he wanted to impress her. It was easy to play the part. The drinks were too sweet, alcohol diluted by fruity juices and bubbling sodas. Shiori resented the lack of bite, the burning in the throat she ached for.

When he said he wanted to go somewhere quieter to talk, she agreed, letting his arm around her waist guide her. She stumbled earnestly, drunker than she realized, but felt only a dull sense of accomplishment. Everything was according to plan — she was doing so well, she’d even managed to trick herself.

In the cool, dark night, away from the crowd and the music of the school dance, Shiori lets herself enjoy the hot, fizzing sensation of anticipation building in her stomach. When the boy leans her back against a column and kisses her, without asking, she feels a thrill shoot through her. She opens her mouth, presses herself into him, doesn’t try to pull away or resist when she feels his hands first on her hips, then sliding up her body.

It’s exactly what she wanted.

He pulls away, smiles down at her without warmth, only smug disregard. “You’re an interesting girl, Shiori. I like that you’re not so uptight, like the other girls.”

“Get your hands off her,” Juri’s voice snaps through the air like a whip crack, brittle, harsh. Shiori sags against the boy, hiding her smile in his chest.

“Arisugawa,” the boy’s voice is calm, neutral. “A little privacy, please.”

The rapid, staccato rhythm of Juri’s steps on the pavement makes Shiori smile wider. She’s furious, barely in control, using too much force. When she’s relaxed and confident, Juri moves almost silently, like a cat.

“Go now and I won’t have you expelled,” Juri says, voice low and taut. Deadly serious.

“We aren’t doing anything wrong,” he protests, but Shiori can feel him inching away from her, nonetheless. She sways into him, letting out a weak, helpless moan in the process, feeling him stiffen as he tries to push her back to standing.

“She’s drunk,” Juri’s seething. When Shiori glances up at her through the curtain of her own hair, she sees the anger radiating off her — jaw set, eyes blazing, fists clenched tight at her sides. Shiori imagines, just for a moment, what it could have been like if things had gone differently. If the boy had gotten her dress down to her waist, exposed her. If she had cried like she hated it. If Juri had stumbled upon them after fencing practice, with her foil in hand. Could she have stopped herself? Would there have been blood?

“I didn’t do anything she didn’t want,” the boy protests, stupidly. “You’re wasting your breath defending her, you know. Your friend is a slut.”

There is blood.

Shiori does stumble, barely managing to catch herself against the column at her back with how quickly Juri yanks the boy away from her, spinning him, knocking him off balance, driving her fist into his jaw. He goes down immediately, collapsed onto the cobblestones, cupping his face and scrambling away.

When he gets to his feet he hesitates, and Shiori thinks with glee this might become a real fight. There’s rage on his face, and humiliation. He wants to hurt Juri.

Judging by the murderous look on Juri’s face, she wants to hurt him too. Again. More.

But in the end, he’s a coward. He turns and leaves, muttering curses at them.

Leaving Shiori alone with Juri.

If it was pathetic to plan her night for this — Juri out of control, stalking after her like some piteous animal, dancing on Shiori’s puppet strings — then it was worth it. However low Shiori falls, she can be sure Juri will be lower than her, still. Juri may have the admiration of the school, the acclaim in her classes and at her sport, the coveted student council role, but Shiori knows now that, maddeningly, none of that truly seems to matter to Juri. All she cares about is this. Is her.

Even now, drunk and debauched, a mess in a rumpled gown and barely standing upright, kissed and pawed at by a boy Juri despises, Shiori can feel her gaze. Can feel the want in it, under the frustration, the fear, the anger.

“A brave rescue,” Shiori says, proud when her words manage not to slur. “Do you think you deserve a reward for that?”

Juri scowls, pretending not to hear. After a beat she steps forward, pulling the student council jacket off of her shoulders and draping it over Shiori. “Cover yourself. Come on.”

She tries to tug Shiori forward, but she refuses to budge, leaning back into the column, dragging Juri with her with a tight grip on the front of her shirt.

“Do you think you deserve a reward?” Shiori asks again, voice low, seductive. “A kiss?”

Juri’s breath catches in her throat.

It’s so easy. She makes this so easy that Shiori wants to laugh.

How could she have let envy of Juri drive her mad for so long? How did she spend so much time not seeing Juri for what she is?

Shiori leans up, presses a teasing kiss to the side of Juri’s mouth. She doesn’t move.

Smirking, Shiori kisses her again. On the lips this time. She’s soft, chaste. She kisses Juri like it’s something sacred. Like she loves her. Like she wants her to know it’s real.

“Stop,” Juri mutters, pulling back. She glares down at the ground, jaw clenched tight.

Heat and rage flash through Shiori’s chest like a flare. How dare she? When she’s the one who wants this? When it’s her chasing Shiori down, pulling her away from the boys she seeks out, keeping Shiori’s picture in the locket that rests against her heart, under her shirt, like a secret, like a talisman.

Shiori surges forward, and kisses Juri again, harder. Juri gasps, stumbles, and Shiori pushes her tongue into Juri’s mouth, hopes she can taste the lingering alcohol. Wonders if the boy’s saliva is still on her lips, feels a hot, aching clench in her belly at the thought, knowing Juri would hate it if she thought of it, that she would be disgusted, repulsed but that part of her would still be glad to have Shiori kissing her at all.

She knows this, because she feels it — just for a moment, before Juri pushes her away again — she feels herself drawn closer. Feels Juri’s fists clench in the fabric of her dress, yanking her in, feels Juri’s tongue sweep into her mouth, feels Juri’s lips move against hers, hears the sound she makes, desperate and plaintive.

It doesn’t matter that Juri shoves her back so hard she stumbles, knocks the back of her head against the marble hard enough to make her ears ring.

Juri kissed her back.

Shiori laughs and sags backwards, drawing Juri’s jacket tighter around her.

Juri glares at her, swipes her lips with the pad of her thumb.

Leave then, Shiori thinks at her. Storm off. Leave me to the fate I deserve.

But Juri doesn’t. Of course she doesn’t.

She’s too weak for that.

[thefloatingstone]

Sorry, this is about a post from 2020, but in answering an ask about homophobia in Utena you mentioned, “another is a man who is gearing himself up for a hetero marraige because he feels its the proper thing someone in his position should do, until he meets a teenaged boy and it’s like “…..oh fuck…””… are you talking about Mikage? Are you saying the search for eternity he’s researching is a metaphor for hetero marriage, à la Akio’s “the castle is where a prince and princess will live together forever?” (not disagreeing just wanting to make sure I understand correctly, id never thought of it that way before)

or did I miss something in the series lol

Oh oof this was a while ago and I haven't watched the series in a while. But kind of?

More like, Mikage is very emotionally detached from social norms when we first meet him and is completely engrossed with his work. He is constantly referred to as "a human computer".

When he meets Tokiko there is enough symbology to make you realise as he's speaking to her he is very logically and coldly thinking to himself "ah yes. A female. I am supposed to marry one of these and start a family. She seems like a good candidate".

"She is feminine and is doing feminine things. This is seen as attractive by men so this must make her an attractive partner."

"Yes. This is good for what is expected of me. Starting a family with her would be a good move."

While at the same time there is ONE singular moment with the flashing hand that is difficult to catch. In all the previous scenes the flashing hand makes a beeping noise. But in one singular moment during this scene while he and Tokiko are speaking, the camera pans over the other researchers walking to and from the hall and you can HEAR the hand but it's not onscreen until the VERY last second and even then the camera cuts away before you can really figure out what it's pointing at.

The hand is pointing at two men holding hands as they walk.

As Mikage is speaking to Tokiko and gauging if she might be worth pursuing as a partner as a Good Hetero Boy should. But this image shows just as Mikage is saying "They have gathered a good group of boys here who can continue my research".

There is no solid way to interpret this as "Ah THIS is what Mikage means!" but I think it's placement and the way the camera cuts away from it pretty quickly is pretty telling. Especially since the flashing hand in this scene has been showing us Mikage's internal thoughts as he's spending time with Tokiko.

It's possible to see this as his thoughts briefly wandering to the male students in the program, and that doing so automatically, if only for a brief moment, becomes a dreaded GAY THOUGHT. which is why the camera cuts way from it so quickly and back to the room he and Tokiko are sitting in.

AND THEN. FUCKING. (sorry I am rewatching this scene and losing my mind at details I didn't notice before)

FUCKING. AFTER THIS GAY THOUGHT. He is speaking to Tokiko about how the boys are spreading rumours that they are trying to revolutionise the world. But it's clear he has no interest in this and says "It's like they're trying to build a perpetual motion machine" to mock them as ridiculous. BUT THAT'S NOT THE IMPORTANT PART!!!!

THE IMPORTANT PART!!! is AFTER this gay thought, and him dismissing the boys as stupid, the camera does a LOOOOOOONG pan over Tokiko's body as Mikage says

GOD DAMMIT MIKAGE!!!!!

"If I run away fast enough the gay thoughts can't get me!"

I AM GOING INSANE KSDHKSHDKHFDS

Anyway then Tokiko runs when she hears mamiya in the rose garden, Mikage follows her, and the SECOND he lays eyes on mamiya, Tokiko, very WEIRDLY, just leaves the room and walks away without Mikage or Mamiya even acknowledging her.

REAL SUBTLE.

The next scene has Tokiko explaining to Mikage how his research of attaining eternity is what could save Mamiya's life. Even as she's explaining to Mikage and her motivations, he remains emotionally detached from her, as he is only seen in this shot reflected in the mirror. Standing next to her, but not.

But when Tokiko sheds a tear and apologises for this, Mikage says, still reflected in the mirror, "I feel like this is the first time I've seen a person cry."

Basically 'This is the first time I actually feel emotionally responding to someone else's sadness"

Baby's first empathy... because it's about Mamiya.

And then as he moves to leave and return to his research, this time with purpose, Tokiko asks him if he has anyone who is precious to him. That part's not important. The important part is the next sentence she says as Mikage leaves.... having said for the first time he's connected to someone's sadness over the young boy....

And then he throws himself into his research

So that is how Mikage embraced the gay thoughts in his weird academic way. "Well it's not TECHNICALLY gay if I'm just trying to save the life of the woman I have selected to be my partner!" And so the story starts to unravel for him.

TO get back to your question tho, Mikage is actually NOT chasing Eternity when he meets Tokiko. And his hetero relationship with here does not actually symbolise eternity to him at all.

He repeatedly says before he meets Tokiko that he is a "living computer" and describes himself as "a dry man passing dry days". He also says the research isn't going well, but he doesn't actually care.

However, when he is at Tokiko's home he is STILL expressing disinterest in the research when she brings it up. He not only makes fun of the other researchers as I previous said, saying "it's like they're trying to invent a perpetual motion machine". He specifically refers to the research and his fellow researches in a detached way. THEY are trying to create a perpetual motion machine. THEY are trying to attain eternity. He is completely disinterested and detached from the research himself.

In fact he tells Tokiko

He even says "I have done more than what the contract called for." (which incidentally he says directly before it cuts to the boys holding hands)

IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE ISN'T TALKING ABOUT RESEARCH AT ALL HMMMMMMM 🤔🤔🤔

"I was an emotionally detached man. Living on auto-pilot. I find the thing everyone else is doing to be stupid. But I am taking part despite being completely disinterested. The BOYS are extraordinary tho. But anyway, it's stupid to want more. People should be satisfied with the chosen direction they already have. But purely for business reasons."

*Mamiya enters* hey

"Oh shit now see THIS is a different story!!! I have something to live for!!! Doing this thing because of this BOY is now the most important thing in the entire world!!! I am a man possessed!!!!"

*whispers* nothing in this scene is about research.

[adracat]

GWitch 23 thoughts

Sorry for the wait on this, I had to rewatch a few times to really drink in everything that was going on. I didn't have the best knee-jerk reaction initially ( I enjoyed it ofc but was a bit ambivalent about some things) and wanted to give it a fair shake.

First up, seeing Suletta zip around like the ace pilot she is was quite rewarding and fun! Now all those auto-pilot rumors can be laid to rest. However, the circumstances weren't the best and it broke my heart she was gasping for air the entire time. I had no doubt she'd live but it's still miserable to witness that

Ah Lauda. Your tomfoolery knows no bounds. We knew this was coming after the last ep, but it's still a bit frustrating. On a technical narrative level, it works since we're seeing two sets of siblings confront their simmering tension with one another. On a personal level, I wasn't very amused. I first saw this at 4 in the morning and had no patience for Lauda lmao. But rewatching it a few times gave me a deeper appreciation for what's going on. He's really intent on scapegoating Mio for everything wrong in his life. Fitting for her role as the Rose Bride and Lauda's demonized witch

This little aside from Chuchu is so suspicious tbh. Considering Mio's failure at piloting, this seems to imply either she does not have a permet implant of any sort or a flat intolerance. I have a sneaking suspicion it'll become a factor in the next episode.

Mio staring wistfully at Cool-san/etc memento of Suletta will always grab me by the throat. Girl wants to wife up Suletta so bad. And really, who could blame her?

Schwarzette is so pretty and cool. Unfairly so. Like, why did you make that thing so unique and cool? For dipstick Lauda?? Who is that pink permet for and why does it look like Utena??? ANSWER ME OKOUCHI

That's nice of Delling to rise from his sickbed to try and negotiate with the SAL. Unfortunately, this would be for naught because they're here to purge and replace. Not make nice. It was the thought that counts, I suppose.

Speaking of, the debut of a solar ray blindsided me. I mean, yeah it's Gundam, but I kinda thought we were skipping the big death ray lmao. After sitting on it, I think I know where it's headed. Totally on brand for SAL too in hindsight. They like to act removed, but they're just as entrenched as Benerit in the skeevy corpo politics. Allying with Ochs and now Peil cements it

Check the link above to see my Utena related thoughts on this moment btw. It might be the highlight of the episode beyond the Prospera confrontation. Stunned they finally stopped playing coy and seemingly confirm Notrette is indeed a GUND entity residing in pseudo hell, and likely a GWitch newtype like Eri

This was very sweet and I enjoy it more on a rewatch but I also understand why I and so many people had a gut-deep aversion to this subplot. The issue is entirely investment based imo, and tbh I just don't care that much about the Jeturk family dynamics. At best, I don't mind them. Guel is a bro but Lauda is SO exhausting on multiple levels. His misogyny and gross negligence of Petra in favor of revenge doesn't help.

If something came of this other than Lauda/Guel sibling closure, I'd consider it fulfilling. But if you lack investment in the conflict, it's going to feel limp or frustrating in comparison to the siblings you want to see. So while I appreciate the parallel with Suletta/Eri and the continuing subtext of witch coded Mio, that's it for me. But hey, it serves a purpose. A tragic cycle was broken after all, thanks to love and MVP Felsi!

The one big gripe I have after consideration is this man's continued existence. Kenanji doesn't deserve to play buddy buddy with the cast. He's a dirty space cop who bullies children and murdered Nadim, now he's joking with 5lan? The hell. I get the theme of the show is forgiveness and not perpetuating the cycle of revenge but... really? KENANJI gets to be happy but Norea/Sophie don't? Sigh

It was so dirty of Eri to use Suletta's love for Mio against her. She knows Suletta would panic over their mother possibly 'gaining two'. It's crafty and unrepentant, but Suletta holds fast. Her faith in Mio is greater than her idle fears

Mio scolding Prospera over her favoritism was great. We love a fiancé willing to take a stand against her shit in-laws. Speaking of, looks like Mio has fully embraced becoming a Mercury one day. 'All of us will be family' YEAH YOU WILL so suck it up Prospera. The holidays are gonna be so awkward

Btw love Mio was shouting at her while having an emotional breakthrough deciphering her mother's QZ riddle. This moment was excellent and easily superceded my minor gripes. UGH when will you reveal Notrette's whole deal GWitch? We're waiting

Such a bittersweet moment. We know from the Blessing and Cradle Planet that Eri loves her sister but it may not have been until this moment that Suletta understands her feelings. Now, I don't think she's 'dead' tbh. Or deader anyway. I suspect it's a false flag to hook you until the finale. It would be quite anti-climactic if she passed without a proper goodbye. I'm still holding out on a Tempest end where Prospera voluntarily sets her free.

The next Sunday will be our last. Hard to believe tbh. Feels like just yesterday we set out on this spectacular journey. Que sera sera! I'll see y'all in the finale~

[number1villainstan]

For the Utena ask game: 2, 3, 9, 11?

2. favorite episode (bonus: favorite scene)

Cop out answer, but I'm genuinely not familiar enough with the show to have a single favorite episode. I've only watched it all the way through once, and I'm still in the middle of a second rewatch (it's a group rewatch, the Utena Weekly thing that's going on on the Empty Movement forum). That being said, I really like Wakaba's second episode in the Black Rose arc, and the Tale of the Rose episode in the Akiopocalypse arc. And Nanami's two parter (also in the Akiopocalypse arc).

I love the scenes of fake domestic bliss between Wakaba and Saionji in the BR arc for entirely selfish shippy reasons--they're so damn bittersweet, a taste of what could have been, and you hope desperately that this can keep going even though you know that it can't, even though you know that it's only able to function because of the choking secrecy and play-pretend. Even though you know it's gotta come crashing down around their ears.

Tale of the Rose doesn't have one specific favorite scene for me, but I really like this episode because it does genuinely so much heavy lifting in the context of the show. It gives you two different versions of the same story, and both of those versions give you so much information, both directly and indirectly, about the world of Ohtori, how to decode its symbols, what Really Happened when Utena was a child, how the systems of Ohtori function and what their basis is. I called it the 'lore climax' on my first watchthrough, I think? And I stand by it. Because holy shit. The first half is a great little play, but the second half is like the Flashback To End All Flashbacks.

Nanami's two parter in the Akiopocalypse arc--probably my favorite scene in that episode is right after Nanami 'loses' the duel. It's such a wild emotional ride to see her get hit with a car and then still be standing. Still be on her own two feet. I genuinely think I might have been close to crying from triumph during my first watchthrough when I watched this scene.

3. favorite arc

Oh man, I almost wanna say the Black Rose arc? It's definitely the weakest of all the arcs, but it's got more focus on a lot of the characters that I'm drawn to more than I'm drawn to Utena (rip Utena, you're a great character but you're just not my type). Specifically I'm thinking the focus on Wakaba and Mikage's whole deal. Akiopocalypse is also a solid contender, because of how much it fleshes out Anthy (another of my faves) and also how well it ties all of the themes of RGU together. Seriously, RGU is like a masterclass in how to tell a story and it's going to be influencing my writing for ever and ever.

9. favorite aspect of the show to analyze/read analysis about

FUCK IF I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SHOW IS SO DAMN GOOD I CAN'T CHOOSE

I think my favorite thing to analyze (not necessarily read analysis about) used to be Saionji and his relationship to and position in the systems of Ohtori? But I'm not sure if it's that anymore. At this point I'd probably read literally any analysis ever about anything about this show.

11. favorite and/or most interesting relationship (doesn't have to be romantic)

hhhhhhh DEFINITELY Wakaba/Saionji. It's definitely A Ship but IDK if I interpret it as strictly romantic, but I've definitely written for it (go check out setting down roots for a look at a post-Ohtori possibility for them. Although it was one of the monthly short pieces that was only one draft, so it doesn't cohere quite as well as I would have liked it to, especially on the symbolic side). They have SO MANY PARALLELS (to me). They could have broken down Ohtori themselves if Ohtori's systems hadn't doomed them from the start. They're an intensely tragic pair but only in the specific circumstances that canon put them in. I go crazy over them every time.

the ask game is here

[batsplat]

“ this object of both love and hate, his own dreams, dreams he had been told were his own, his fears and anxieties - the gate to a better world, the bitter disappointment of crossing through the gate to find paradise remains elusive. casey wants to be perfect, but perfection is unachievable. casey wants his bike to be perfect, but perfection is unachievable” FUCK UGH. I am a Jorge Lorenzo girlie til I die but u are always making me realize how deeply I ID w Casey UGH

it says something about the profound state of sleep deprivation my poor caffeine-riddled brain wrote that post in last night night before last (appropriately I dozed off yesterday while answering) that I stared at this ask for half a minute before clocking that those were my own words. anyway whoever wrote that was clearly cooking

okay this is going to be relevant, stick with me for a second. I've been slowly rewatching utena, which means I'm returning to my natural state of being so utena-pilled to the point of being insufferable about it. and rereading the words in the ask, I think this stuff probably was very utena-inspired. I've been vibing a lot with the casey + the concept of revolution, casey and the quest for eternity... casey is always yearning for something, he's yearning for this... not even happiness necessarily as much as contentment. satisfaction. release. maybe even a miracle. and given the experiences of his childhood and adolescence, it's no wonder he ends up hanging a lot of expectations onto what the world will look like when he's 'made it'. achieve revolution, if you will. and because so much of his life has been built around the competitive results he gets - where he's been taught that he essentially needs to make his own happiness - when he reaches the summit and still finds himself unsatisfied... how could he not feel bitter. you yearn for a miracle, you become as successful as you could ever have dreamed - and it's not enough. you can have everything you thought you ever wanted and still not be happy. something pretty poignant about that, I reckon

have talked about this a fair bit recently, like this:

and also this:

idk, clearly thinking about it a lot!! casey's perfectionism took such a brutal form, his exacting standards tipping over to the point where he was riddled with anxiety at the very thought of failure. the key to casey is that his demons are very much external AND internal, and obviously those two dimensions interact. speaking of jorge, I find him an interesting contrast because he has such a... god, how to put this. stylised? view of the world? sports film brain, he thinks he's in a sports film. which to some extent obviously also means reality does crash into the picture when he realises that he might succeed at the 'winning' bit of his dream but the 'being loved' part is a little more out of reach. he's got somewhat more realistic expectations I reckon - I find it super telling when he says in 2009 after browsing The Internets that he was expecting some of his countrymen to hate him on dani's behalf, not valentino's behalf. and also I think he kinda... idk if he works through it *better* than casey does but I think he dwells on it a bit less, like 2010 is very much the year when he finally gets the thing he wanted most but not the thing he wanted second most and has to make his peace with that. (obviously the exact way motegi/sepang play out means that very conveniently this realisation is hammered home at the very moment where he wins the title.) but after that jorge does kinda move on, whereas with casey the disillusionment very much feels like an open wound

which, yeah, I do think is tied in with the perfectionism - standards casey isn't willing to give up on. but it's also because jorge's disillusionment is more centred around his position within the sport, whereas casey's is about the fundamental nature of the sport. I've talked about this a bit elsewhere but I can't be bothered to find the post... anyway this all it comes back to how there's like. a fairly strong argument that jorge is the valentino rival who comes out of that experience the most psychologically unscathed. obviously he's not in any way normal about valentino, he intensely studies him and wants to become a version of him and it's all very psychologically thorny... but ultimately as complex and indeed unpleasant as that dynamic often was, it's all stuff you get the sense jorge was able to process pretty well. and the thesis for why he's so different from casey in that regard is that for casey, valentino can easily become synonymous with casey's most deep-seated issues in a way he never did for jorge. to put it bluntly, valentino was never going to be a father figure who betrayed him. or... I mean, I suppose he could have flirted with becoming that if he'd done anything remotely like taking jorge under his wing in 2008, so thank god he didn't do that and just kept his distance. way healthier for EVERYONE involved

I also think you can extremely notice the contrast when you compare valentino's most famous victories over both of them respectively. the lesson jorge takes away from catalunya 2009 is that he was too rigid in his ways of thinking and needed to stop himself from being dogmatic and close-minded in his approach to problem-solving. which, you know, as a coming-of-age lesson, that's pretty fine and reasonable and okay, like it was kinda annoying for jorge but fundamentally he was part of a very cool race and did try to adopt a Growth Mindset about the whole thing #staypositive #staygrinding. whereas the lesson casey takes from laguna 2008 is that Man Has A Darkness Within - he has been confronted with a cruelty unbeknownst to him, he must face the darkness to prevent his shadow from emerging victorious over him... which. I mean. there's probably educational value in there somewhere, but ultimately it's a lesson casey would have very much not preferred to learn. like they're both coming-of-age narratives with valentino as a catalyst, but very different vibe

anyway I feel like this post has gone off the rails, idk if this is even still relevant to the actual ask. crucially I think my point is that a big theme of casey's story is winning won't necessarily make you happy. and, also crucially, he did kinda think it would. idk,, this goes beyond casey's perfectionism but it also is inextricably tied with it, like there's a fundamental malaise there rooted in how casey sees the world that is quite touching. but also. ALSO. bringing it back round for a more hopeful conclusion, here we go. it got better!! casey says he stopped beating himself up so much later on in his career, that he did get better at regulating that part of himself. and he left! too often his retirement gets treated as this vaguely morose 'what if' tale, like we've constantly going to obsess over the hypothetical 'imagine if he'd competed just a little longer' of it all. I'm kinda sick of this framing... he realised this wasn't working any more for him, and he walked away. obviously it's not all been sunshine and rainbows for him since, not least with his serious health struggles, but he's taken the chance to find some happiness for himself. I think if you've been told your entire life something is your dream and you drive yourself insane over trying to fulfil it and even then you don't feel all that satisfied, finding the courage and conviction to walk away from all that of your own volition is a pretty cool thing to do. casey himself has only more recently flirted with this framing, but there's quite a few reporters (including quite notably his autobiography's ghostwriter) who picked up on how casey had in essence been denied a childhood. you can discuss his retirement in terms of how sick he was with the sport (which also was very much how he talked about it at the time), but fundamentally there's also more positive, hopeful reasons for walking away. he got the chance to live some of the life that he had missed out on and I don't think he's lying when he says he doesn't regret it and doesn't miss it (maybe a teensy bit, but he knows it was the right choice and I reckon he's never wavered from that). so, you know, good on him

and yes, anon, I agree that jorge lorenzo is great

[kafus]

i was watching revolutionary girl utena and i had to stop because i was really sick at one point while watching episodes and the symbolism was going wayy more over my head than it should have been because of how sick i was... and then my friends who i watched NGE with suggested we watch it together after finishing NGE, so i've been waiting to finish NGE to get back to utena... in other words i might be getting back to utena soon i'm excited. i have to rewatch what i already saw because my friends have never seen it but yippee!!

[decretum565]

Gundam Witch Season 1: Thoughts Upon Rewatching

So I have just completed my rewatch of the first season of The Witch From Mercury. It’s a show of many talents, certainly, for better or worse, but I am still overall enjoying myself on the second time through. Without further ado, here are what I liked and what I didn’t!

THE GOOD

—Starting off, Suletta remains a great protagonist. From the get-go, she’s an anxious delight with a steel spine, and I love that about her. Her story of desperately trying to reconcile those two aspects of herself is deeply compelling, and I also love just how snarky she can be on occasion. Love her!

—Miorine can be a bit harder to appreciate, but I still continued to like her on this rewatch. She’s very flawed, of course, but those flaws are ultimately sourced from the environment she grew up in. She’s great to analyze, and, like Suletta, is quite compelling.

—Their relationship is also really interesting to watch. There’s a lot of rough spots along the way, but it’s genuinely nice to see a canon lesbian relationship that feels authentic in this manner.

—I love Earth House. All of them. They’re so fun to watch, and I’d totally watch a show with only them.

—The production values are really pretty! The CGI does stick out a bit, but I didn’t notice that on my first viewing, so it’s not too egregious. The backgrounds are lush, the lighting is beautiful, and the character designs feel nice and distinct.

—The soundtrack is amazing. Both the orchestral score, and the OP and ED are fantastic. They really fit the show. The voice acting is also excellent.

—The stakes of the season finale are really well-handled, and the atmosphere the writers went for complemented that perfectly.

—The show’s super engaging!

—I find Guel’s arc fascinating. The second season fumbles it slightly iirc, but it’s both (initially) satisfying to see him taken down a peg, and horrific considering the amount of trauma the poor guy goes through.

—The Trial Scene is the best thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

—Other good scenes: Prospera calling Miorine out on her privilege, Suletta’s anxious breakdown in the bathroom, the entirety of Episode 8, the Grassley fight, and any Earth House scene.

—I think the fact that the school is meant for Wealthy Business Kids does a good job sliding past some of the more illogical parts of the concept.

—Sophie, Norea, and Secelia (plus Rouji) are also great. Couldn’t find a good place to put them in here, so might as well show my appreciation at the end of the good list, haha.

THE BAD

—The Utena homage doesn’t work for me as well this time. It worked in that show because the environment itself felt largely closed off from adults. Here, it comes off as more strange than anything just how powerful the Dueling Committee is. Am I supposed to believe that the teachers just do NOTHING? The entire time? Come on. Besides, we only see class like three times. If you’re gonna go with a school setting, you might as well do something with it.

—Prospera is . . . I don’t know. I like the way she’s set up in the Prologue, but after that the show feels like it’s spinning its wheels whenever she comes on screen.

—WHAT. IS. THE. TONE. Seriously Okouchi what are you going for here.

—There’s more glaring moments of writing than I remember. Episode 3 has Shaddiq talking to Sarius while researching Prospera, where he points out that the mining accident listed in her ID is likely the reason for her prosthetics. But she had previously explained this in Episode 2’s trial scene, where BOTH Sarius and Shaddiq were in attendance. Did the writers forget or something?

—There’s too many characters. I get that Shaddiq’s not-harem is supposed to be an IBO homage, but this show’s lesser episode count does not do them any favors.

—I don’t like how Suletta and Miorine’s reconciliation involves the latter hitting her. I just don’t.

—I don’t give a shit about Elan Ceres. #4’s literally Bargain-Bin Rei Ayanami, except Rei was actually interesting. The real one is fine, I guess, but he’s also pretty underutilized. And #5’s just plain creepy.

—What was up with that scene in Episode 1 where Vim tried to assassinate Delling? I suppose it was meant to be foreshadowing, but the scene feels so erratic compared to everything else in the pilot.

—Shaddiq is . . . Ugh. His initial interactions with Miorine are okay, but I don’t find him all that compelling. Also, I find it pretty “yikes” that the show decided that a (heavily implied) Middle Eastern character was going to be a prominent terrorist.

—Oh my god the pacing with Lauda is even worse than I remember.

—Episode 7 has some good moments, but the one scene with the Peil House ladies interrogating Suletta is so painful to watch. As is Miorine begging her father to give her money, which is in the same episode that Prospera calls out her financial privilege.

—Some of the direction feels off. It kept being framed in Episode 11 that Sophie and Norea were in the opposite Gundam. There was another moment that felt off to me but I can’t even remember it at this point.

—Just hearing the name “Quiet Zero” makes me tense up. I am not ready for Season 2’s pacing problems.

And . . . That’s about it! All in all, I’m enjoying the show, but watching Iron-Blooded Orphans has really highlighted the problems that Gundam Witch runs into. I might do a write up for Season 2 as well, but tbh that would depend on me actually knowing what was going on in the last two episodes. I do want to write a rant about how much Lauda sucks tho so who knows at this point.

[speakyskelly-1999]

omg hiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

fancing meeting you here

errr yea sooooo

i'm putting this here so i'll remember/forget

cos like really i should make a note of this but i was having ideas so here

anime i need to review: plus bonus content if you make it to the end]

spoilers ahead btw

anime i#ve finished: lets go

eva rebuild moves, will probaly do as one thing maybe. should i also do the show, yes, should i rewatch the show and the films and then these films to do a good review, yes. will i, probably weirdly cos i wanna rewatch the show. do i have the time to do this, not really. will i do it anyway, yea eventually but like i wanna watch more anime

perfect blue, this is heavy, very heavy, i thurouly enjoyed it. idk if i will do this one. i don't know what i could say about it what someone before me has probably already said about it so errr here 10/10, hard watch but very well exicuted, woudl recomend if you can stomach that sort of thing (no shame on epopel who can#t it's a lot don't worry)

ehehehe ghost stories hehehehe

the masterful cat is depressed again today. i don't have much to say bout this. it was fun and charming and also reused animetion a lot which isn't inherently bad, 7/10

The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady, yes i copy and pased the title it's long. errrr 3/10 don't wanna give it it's own post. i didn't like how it ended. in my eyes it weirdly falls under the sad lesbian period piece trope. not exactly cos it's fantasy but after the enevts of the show one of them will forever be sad basically. it's dumb and it annoys me

all the lupin films i binged over christmas. errrrrr i'll do a lupin master post thing once i've done all of it maybe. theres a lot of lupin and i really like it. i could review everything seperatly but like god. so many thoughts. i'll make a ppt one day and just like upload the slides to a tumblr post and that'll be it maybe. or i do write seperate review, post them all and then make a master post (includiung like charater analyses and part analysis, you see hoqw this is a lot, but i'd do it for the monkey man)

my new boss is goofy

spy x family season 2 part 1

mashle season 1 (might just wait till season 2 is finished and then do a double billing)

lucky star (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy)

anime i'm watching rn:

nichijou (i did not start this 4 years ago what are you on)

serial experiment lain (it's heavy i'm sorry, it's easier to watch a heavy film in one go, i'll get there eventually)

revolutionary girl utena (i'm now watching that with a friend sooooo it's gonna take a while)

sousou no frieren (AAAAAAAAAAAH hehehehe)

cherry magic (i'll do it once it's finsihed and omg i have thoughts cos i watch the live action show)

dungeon meshi (i wouldn't eat that food)

mushishi

boo cat

surprise bitches i started watching films again so errrrrrr

films i need to review: imma be selective btw i have like 541 films i've watched i ain't doing them all

disney (errrrrrrrrrr imma take a rain check on that one chief that i whole thing)

12 angry men (thoes men were angry)

singing in the rain

an american in paris (there is no fanfiction of it on ao3, its so sad)

cherry magic (i've not watched the film yet but like i will for the whole cherry magic review, will i read the manga for it as well, maybe)

i'll probably get more films i have to do cos i like watching films again

so yea

willl i remember this list

fuck knows

goodnight tristate area

i'm so tired

[leecherish]

1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 for the revstar ask <3333333333

kissing u kissing u kissing u kissing you kissing you k /p

1. what character do you relate to most / least?

most relatable: mahiru & junna & tamao (most accurate to my overall personality), koharu & maya (perfectionist & crushed by expectations bracket)

least relatable (doesn't mean i don't like them): kaoruko, mei fan, ichie, suzu, hikari

2. what is your favorite quote from any part of revue starlight (anime, game, stageplays, movie, 4koma, credit card, etc.)?

i answered this before but here is another one, this time from arcana arcadia:

"This world is a stage. Even the king is a player. Our lives could very well just be another play written by someone. How our lives will end has already been decided. Nothing unexpected ever happens."

4. what is your favorite revue starlight-related headcanon?

i'm not really a headcanon guy, i just perceive characters and understand them. but i do have the headcanon that mahiru saw revolutionary girl utena as a child and it changed her brain chemistry

5. what is your favorite revue song?

HOH-

anime: starlight (the most violins you will ever hear in your life)

movie: we are already on the stage

starira: eternity is dying and living

character song: koi wa taiyou circus

stage play: saikai aizu (even if you don't care abt revstar and you're just seeing this on your dash in passing you NEED to watch this. im serious. in this scene the 9 main characters are fighting their dark sides so that means they had do choreograph the stage fight of 18 actresses at once and holy fuck watch how they can sing while doing all that dancing and fighting at the same time. im serious the revstar stageplays are insane)

i just realized this might mean revue as in the songs that play DURING revues but idc you get all of this.

7. what is one thing you wish could have been handled differently storywise?

i talked a lot about this in previous answers so i'll just say that i wish seiran was more involved with the big events in starira recently. i know they are stageplay characters first and everything else second but they are so dear to me and the only way to learn more about them is basically watching the stage plays and it saddens me bc not many people do that

11. what character or scene would you want to see animated?

the entirety of arcana arcadia

no but i'm serious. arcana arcadia (the play). like just the play itself. it would be so so so so so cool... act 6 especially...

12. what character(s) do you wish you knew more about/had a better read on?

Frontier :( but also i need to catch up with siegfeld junior high but in my defense a lot of what is standing in my way is the language barrier

13. how did you get into revue starlight? how long did it take you to get into the game after watching revue starlight (if you did)?

answered!

14. if you had to pitch revue starlight to someone, how would you do it?

answered but let's try a less vague one:

i think you could recommend revstar to anyone who likes magical girl shows and idol anime, since it has some things in common with both while being its own unique, never-done-before thing and that's what makes it so thrilling to experience. revstar's director, tomohiro furukawa has worked under kunihiko ikuhara (director of revolutionary girl utena) on titles such as yuri kuma arashi and mawaru penguindrum and you can definitely see the effects of that, but at the same time, toppy-san's surrealism has its own flavor that is distinct of ikuni's.

revstar loves taking character archetypes and dynamics you are used to seeing in other anime and then it kicks them around for fun. the main pair seems like a common sun/moon dynamic but the more you learn about them the more you realize that could not be further from the truth. it's so so fun to dig deeper into all those characters by rewatching the anime and seeing all the details you missed the first time around, understanding character motivations you didn't. all the insert songs in the anime are incredibly well-composed with a lot of love behind them (case and point - revue starlight unlimited movie music budget), and they expand on the character singing it flawlessly.

the tv anime was on a really tight budget to the point that for the few last episodes they literally had to hire people from overseas to help them finish it but the end result is truly a labor of love that comforts me every time i watch it. it also wouldn't be an overexagerration to say it fundamentally changed my life. it's just good. oh and its also yuri. okay i'm done rambling

15. what do you like about revue starlight?

basically everything i just rambled about sdsgdsgh but uhh yeah. EVERYTHING. the story, the messages, the music, the animation of the stage fights, the characters, the visuals and symbolism, how much it contributed to my overall knowledge about theater and theater history, how it made me interested in other "classics" (totally did not watch rose of versailles after starira did the collab), how it made me appreciate my own creative expressions, how it made me appreciate hard work and effort and striving for more, but also how it comforts me when i fall and tells me to stand back up. i love how varied the franchise is with its anime, manga (which i'm still yet to read *sweats*), video game, stage plays, reader's theaters and so on. there is clearly so much love poured into it from both the creators and the actresses themselves and it just makes me glow every time i engage with anything revstar-related.

except relive gameplay <3 i hope i can get myself to uninstall soon. but the story IS amazing and should be experienced by everyone and you can do that without actually downloading relive onto your mobile devices!!! yay!!!

[pory-z]

tag 9 mutuals you want to get to know better !

tagged by @haarute ! thanks, i enjoyed rambling about nothing and everything for a while

last song - Société tu m'auras pas, by Renaud. don't make fun of me i like his old stuff, it's one of the only non-metal artists i listened to in the car with my dad as a kid. for some reason i got really into old political music lately like union and french resistance songs so Renaud fits right in. i wanna learn some of them on the guitar. i enjoy singing a lot and i wanna improve ! a lot of my irl bros are musicians so i wanna impress them (i won't but they might find the effort endearing)

currently reading - The Occult Roots of Nazism by Nicholas Goodricke-Clarke, although i kinda put it on hold right now because even though it's a very interesting subject matter, it's a very dense book for the attention span i have at the moment lmao

also it's not a book but i'm reading through the various documents from the french Helloween fanclub from the 90's i got from my dad, who was the secretary at the time. there's paperwork, fanzines, interviews, old merch ads, fanmail, etc. it's a really fascinating time capsule and i'm so grateful for the opportunity to access all these documents. as soon as the university opens again i'm scanning all of it. i'll translate and publish the interviews too, it's bound to catch the attention of some pumpkinheads out there.

currently watching - houseki no kuni, again. because it's just so good. i watched the dub this time and even though it's pretty good, the constant avoidance of pronouns is getting more and more awkward and it's absolute cowardice. just let the damn rocks be gnc !!

i'm also rewatching holly hollowtones's 7 hour sandwich stream, again. for the fourth time. it makes me really happy for some reason.

current obsession - i'm slowly getting back into the rhythm of getting invested in things again after a rough patch of time, brain-wise. for now there's nothing much going on and my days are kinda empty.

i started octopath 2 and it's great so far but i need the motivation to keep going. i still need to continue 13 sentinels. i guess the closest thing i have to an obsession right now is utena, since i watched adolescence of utena recently and fell back into the crazy whirlwind of analysis and interpretation. it's an incredible anime i love it so much. idk how long it will last but for now i guess it's the biggest thing in my life even though i got back into it very recently. i might rewatch the original series. or madoka, i fucking love madoka. or maybe princess tutu, i'm told it's like. utena-lite in terms of themes but turbo-utena in terms of meta-fuckery, so that's exciting !

WAIT WAIT WAIT i just thought of something i'm forever and always obsessed with : soulsov, @pallisia's upcoming visual novel. i'm so in love with the main characters loic (chill florist dad) and ysme (weird clown woman). i'm not at-ing them because i don't wanna bother them but definitely go check out their art and read their webcomic lady of the shard it's real good and not that long ok i'm done now

that was fun ! i don't have that many mutuals but there you go, feel free to keep this thing going, folks

@aymisdumb @otasunestanblog @hibiscusandhoney @cyanampersand @oldwomanyaoi @alyxtried @littleoceanbabe @pinkminimarshmallow @musecalliope

[agentravensong]

thoughts on utena 👀👀👀👀👀

It was really good! I want to say some Big Brain Thoughts about it but I think I have to let it simmer in my head for a bit before I can come up with anything coherent and significant. Like, I love ghosts in stories, and there's Something going on there with the ending of the Black Rose Arc, but I think I got kind of lost in the plot twists of that ep (I think 23?). I get the sense that I really should give the full show a second watch, but I dunno if I'm gonna have time for that anytime soon.

But, yeah, I really liked it! The themes and symbolism are definitely super compelling. The circular nature of the story; the way gender roles and myths are intertwined and used to prop up oppressive systems; the explorations of different ways relationships can be/turn toxic and the methods and motivations by/for which people seek power; the stuff about memory and childhood and nostalgia and eternity, clinging to and trying to recreate an idealized or fully imagined past; how all the characters reflect each other in really neat ways; the coffins and rings and swords... it's a lot of good stuff.

Spoilers past here, but,

The last few episodes in particular really hit. Utena pulling Anthy back from the edge and the convo they have after where they're both blaming themselves for this awful situation? Utena dragging herself to that coffin to save Anthy after literally getting stabbed in the back by her? The way out not being to play the prewritten part and becoming some mythological figure but rather being vulnerable and expressing the genuine love you've cultivated for someone, not spriting them away from their problems but giving them the hope and confidence to believe in and save themselves? Anthy walking out, indicating the others can do the same once it clicks for them too, showing that Utena really did revolutionize the world? Good shit. I'm sure none of that paragraph is new, but I felt it had to be said.

If you were to ask me my favorite characters, I think my initial answers would be Anthy and Utena (obviously) and also Wakaba. I really like the whole concept of the side character noticing that there's something that separates them from the main characters and trying to reach their level of narrative relevance. Again, I think a rewatch might make me appreciate some of the other side characters more.

I'd love to hear what some of other people's insights and favorite things about the show are! To help get those brain juices stirring :)

[chemicalarospec]

So. Death Note isn't my first anime because I read the manga, but Saiki K. isn't my first anime either, because long, long ago, I fully watched one two-season anime....

Angelic Layer

There isn't really going to be a main point to this post, just a lot of reminiscing.

TW: loss of mobility through disease/deteriorative disease (Parkinson's and multiple sclerosis), death of a grandparent

Aside: I also watched other animes before properly getting into J-media this year, here is the full list:

Pokemon - I watched when I was even younger, but people sometimes do not count it as a real anime. I watched all the way through the Indigo League episodes available on Netflix.

Glitter Force - I watched it around the same time as Angelic Layer, but I did not finish, plus I thought it was a Netflix fake-anime until I just now looked it up, so I do not count it as my first. Basically my entire understanding of Magical Girls tho. (fun fact: I stopped watching it and Winx Club because I saw their next episodes were body swaps)

Revolutionary Girl Utena - sometime between Angelic Layer and Yuri on Ice, never finished but I think I watched most of the first season... would like to finish.

Yuri on Ice - I had to pirate this off of Vimeo or Dailymotion when I decided I wanted to watch it in like, 2019, after seeing tumblr posts in my blog-stalking days, I think.

I was in elementary school when my younger brother came home with Plants vs Zombies comic book from the Scholastic Book Fair. I read it, and in the back, there were ads for other comics published by the same company. One of them was entitled Angelic Layer and the description & title instantly pulled me in. Fearful that I wouldn't be able to find the book, I looked it up online and discovered that this wasn't just a comic -- it was a show.

This was back in the days where you could watch anything on Youtube. I even had the choice between a dub version and a sub version (which I did not know the meaning of... I believe I figured it out and that "sub" stood for "subtitles", but not what "dub" stood for... don't recall which I chose, but I would expect subbed but at that age I could have gone dub). I actually tried a few years ago to rewatch it, but I could only find videos where the show was tiny in the corner of the video. I actually would like to see it again, so I guess I'll either have to find more legal or more illegal ways.

Anyways, if you don't know, this is a fun battle anime with the main character, whose name I remember as M. Misokichi but that's definitely not right, fights her way through the ranks of this game, Angelic Layer, where dolls telekinetically controlled by the players fight. She's living with her aunt, but her mom is like, the Best at this game, so Misaki (I looked it up) wants to win the tournament to impress her/see her again. Or maybe she doesn't know her mom is the Best and just really likes the game - I don't remember. (I LOVED Misaki and her angel and the game and I wanted it to be real and I wanted to be her tbh.)

I remember a few other things, like Misaki's prodigy little girl friend, the guy who played Wizard who became her boyfriend I think, the Mean Girls, the weird scientist guy making someone eat octopus (????), and the weird scientist guy having Misaki do dance moves as training (when I tried to rewatch, I remember getting that far before giving up on the tiny video).

Besides Wizard's shield and the dance move training, I remember one other scene very clearly. (This is where the TW comes in.) It is a flashback to before the invention of Angelic Layer. The scientist guy brings Misaki's mother, who is in a wheelchair, in front of what looks like a traffic light with just red and green (or maybe just red?). (As a kid, I might have thought she was paralyzed in a car crash or something, but I also have a vague memory of understanding she had a genetic disease. Wikipedia said she has multiple sclerosis.) The scientist guy (whose name I for some reason think is Eglan, but a quick google search reveals no one ever's name has been Eglan [edit: THE FKING EVIL GUY FROM THE STUPID EVIL racist Micheal Vey series is Elgan]) puts something on her head, and tells her to turn on the red light by thinking about it. She does. He tells her to turn it off, which she does. The light starts flickering like crazy and Mr. Scientist thinks something has broken, but Misaki's mother is just so elated to be able to control something again.

My grandmother had Parkinson's Disease, and at that time we had recently hired an aide to live with her because my grandfather couldn't do everything. She was still walking, cleaning, and sometimes talking. By the end of her life (3-5 years later), she was completely bedridden.

At the time, I don't think I connected my grandmother to the anime beyond that one scene, I don't think I explicitly thought something like "I wish this was real so it could do for my grandmother what it did for Misaki's mom" (I mainly thought it was pretty cool, but I could have... it's so long ago), but looking back I think the show, or even just that scene, was really what I needed at that point in my life. The normal terms of "relate", "representation", ect., don't feel quite right here... I think it just kept me from feeling alone. My grandmother wasn't the only one going through this. My family wasn't the only one watching this happen to someone. It wasn't some unknown horror. The show kept me company like one of the silly illustrations of empathy from school as two animals sitting together being sad during the awful transitory period between "Wai-Po is sick and this makes her weak" to "Wai-Po is going to die, eventually. she's going to get worse and worse until that day comes." It also gave me a positive fantasy, I think, of impossible cures and stuff. I don't know. It wasn't really that important to me, but I didn't watch many shows, but I did especially like it -- I remember I had a vague mental crossover between it and Ever After High. I just remember sitting downstairs watching it on the black laptop that's a hunk of junk now, with the power cord that was sticky at the top because the duct tape that was covering the fraying connection would always end up sliding around. I think it was melting. I have a lot of random early childhood memories on that laptop... first saw a tumblr website when I looked up "fanfixx.net" after reading Fangirl to see if anyone had made a real version of the site (that site was gone a few years ago btw). Listened to Laura Shigihara once when my dad was napping next to me during a time when I hadn't switched fully over to the blue laptop. Played Akinator after watching DanTDM play it. Found some anime game (Elsword, I think it was) that I really really wanted to play but never did. HabitRPG. Laying on the floor of my room for Akinator, and again watching Angelic Layer when a babysitter came over. I knew how many episodes I could watch on a full battery. Sometimes I wish I hadn't pushed it hard at the end and maybe it wouldn't have collapsed, but it definitely would have. I think it had a CD player and when I was very young, my dad played movies on it for me once or twice. Every now and then, I have a dream where I'm using that laptop. They're rare, but it still happens.