#might do another version later with her loyal zombies

[pyrolizard413]

"The curse feels so good!!" Okay, maybe I just love unhinged women, but Gem's ep. 7 was fucking AMAZING. Had to do my own take on the terrifying GeminiSlay.

[hunterxloser]

Here be rambling regarding Kite and the ending sequence of the chimera ant arc. I call it Seeing Double: a new alternative to the ‘fetus theory’ of Kite’s resurrection

I’ve seen people suggest that the #3 wand that Kite draws - presumably the weapon that Ging implies allows Kite to avoid death - works by having Kite’s consciousness piggyback on, and eventually override the consciousness of, the nearest fetus, in this case, the ant queen’s last baby. While nothing in canon explicitly precludes this theory, I find it unlikely for a few reasons:

Nothing about Kite’s reincarnation suggests that it is different from other cases of chimera ants who eventually regain the memories and personality of a person whose genes (i.e. body) were consumed by the queen. In the absence of other evidence, we should assume that Kite’s ‘resurrection’ follows the rules of the other cases, and consider how Kite might have been eaten, given that his puppet body is not visibly missing pieces.

I doubt Kite “forced to take another life” McPacifist-Until-Forced-Into-Violence would be comfortable choosing a hatsu to keep himself alive that comes at the expense of an infant creature. Perhaps he could justify taking over a fetus on the grounds that he is not killing it because its body remains alive, but this is hardly a compelling stance. Other things being equal, I find a hatsu which permits Kite to survive beyond death at the expense of another inconsistent with what we know about Kite’s character and values. (Though an argument could be made that this violation of Kite’s usual moral code would act as a powerful restriction/covenant to power the ability.)

Even if Kite decided that taking over another organism were morally acceptable, in designing this hatsu he would have had to specify that his consciousness would take over the nearest human fetus; otherwise he would risk being reborn as, statistically most likely, a fly or cockroach. Kite has lukewarm passions, and makes his decisions carefully. His hatsu would be well-designed (as crazy slots is, despite how annoying it is), and would explicitly preclude the possibility of being reborn as a nonhuman animal. Therefore his hatsu could not have resulted in his consciousness being transferred to the ant queen’s last baby: it isn’t human, and thus would be invalid as a potential host.

The fetus-hijacking theory, while not conclusively ruled out by the canon evidence, has no direct textual support and appears incompatible with Kite’s personality, and therefore this theory ought to be rejected if any other plausible mechanism for Kite’s resurrection is found.

I propose an alternative theory regarding the conditions of Kite’s ressurection and the manner in which the wand and its concomitant hatsu function, a theory which accounts for several otherwise unexplained odd textual features. We see that Kite’s formerly-dismembered puppet body is whole, if not hale. We know then that none of this body was fed to the chimera ant Queen, enabling his later resurrection in the ‘Reina’/chimera ant body. Rather, his resurrection must have occurred through some other means. I argue that the #3 wand works by producing a second body that shares Kite’s consciousness with his original body, a second body that may survive the death of the first. This theory has several upshots and supports:

Motif of reduplication. There is another case of curious, unexplained duplication at the end of the Chimera Ant Arc. Namely, the dictator Diego is shown to be still alive and in retirement, despite having been killed when the ant king took over his palace. The two Diegos are clearly not a case of simple decoy; they are perfect physical duplicates. I don’t argue that Diego’s double is connected to Kite’s double, speaking in terms of plot; I merely argue that the Diego ‘clone’ provides evidence that Togashi was thinking about doubles at the end of the chimera ant arc, and wanted to draw our attention to this. (More contentiously: there are also curious parallels between Kite and another character who is canonically shown to have a double: a white-haired, serious character with a two-syllable name beginning with ‘K-A’ and ending with ‘O.’)

Precedent for body-doubling through nen. On the subject of Kastro: while it is plausible to assume that nen can do anything you can imagine - the only question is what price you will pay - there is an exact canonical precedent for someone creating a physical duplicate of themselves out of nen. It is not entirely clear whether Kastro’s double was conscious in its own right or capable of functioning independently, but it is noteworthy that Hisoka was only able to defeat Kastro in the absence of the ‘clone.’ If the duplication hatsu had been active at the moment of Kastro’s death, it is entirely plausible that the double might have gone on living and fighting as Kastro himself would have done, down to the psychological weaknesses that were his downfall. And even if this were not true, Kastro was an enhancer; Kite, as a nen user whose conjuror category is strong enough that his main ability is more or less a conjuror ability, would indisputably be able to create an even better double that would be able to carry his consciousness through a full, ‘new’ life.

Accounts for caracterization discrepancy. The fact that ‘Chimera Ant Kite’ exhibits strong, indeed irreconcilable, differences in character from the original Kite supports the theory that CAC is ‘really’ a chimera ant, generated in the usual way, rather than Kite’s consciousness transferred through some magically-pristine method into another host.

Accounts for why Kite was not fed to the Queen. Crucially, at the time Kite was dismembered, the royal guard were still loyal to the Queen. With his string bean physique Kite would undoubtedly not have been a delectable morsel on merely gastronomic grounds, but as a powerful nen user he would be singularly nutritious. Given this fact, Neferpitou should have fed him to the Queen. Instead, his body was turned into a puppet and used to train soldiers. Neferpitou’s use of his body for this purpose only makes sense if the Queen got an equal prize of her own; say, a whole identical Kite body to consume.

TLDR; the circumstances and causes surrounding Kite’s ‘survival’ as a chimera ant, while misty, are best explained by the theory that the crazy slots wand (weapon number 3) somehow enables Kite to duplicate himself. Following this duplication, both Kites were defeated by Neferpitou. One Kite was fed to the ant queen; the other was turned into the zombie/puppet version that Knuckle and Shoot apprehended.

[myfriendscallmecoelophysis]

Remember Me

Oops more Mianitian Isles fic. There’s not enough about Ianite. So have a 2500 word Ianite-centric thing. 

I can pretty much guarantee that a lot of this will no longer be canon as we learn more about the world and more of the story unfolds. As it stands now, this is the best I can do, especially considering how much secret conversations are occurring between the players and their respective gods. I watch Sparklez POV mainly but have seen glimpses of how Mianite speaks to Karl and how Dianite speaks to Tom in private chat. For now I am going with what Sparklez knows. 

Enjoy and as always 

Find me on Ao3:

Selenejessabelle12626 for the tame stuff

Lady-Spieroles for the less tame stuff ;)

~

Ianite woke up one morning with the strangest feeling. It was a sensation of wholeness and rightness, like something she hadn’t known she’d lost had suddenly been found. She’d felt a bolster to her strength as well, as though this feeling was boosting the fledgling powers she possessed. She wished mother was here. Mother had known all there was to know about the divinity she and her brothers were destined to grow into. Mother had been the one to see visions that became prophecies. Mother had known what awaited them when they got older. Mother would know what was happening. Gods did Ianite miss her mother. 

Over the next several days, Ianite’s dreams were filled with visions. She was used to the chittering voices that accompanied her thoughts, the voices of a thousand of her lives Mother had told her when she was younger, but Ianite had only rarely seen visions from these lives. Were these new visions part of the feeling she’d had? Were they part of the change? 

In one dream she was caged, shackled with burning molten chains, her sweet little Dianite warped into a demonic creature sneering down at her. This version of her had been mostly forgotten by the people of the realm, leaving her next to powerless to do anything but resign herself to her prison. But she still had a sense of hope, He was coming. He would save her. She had no idea yet who He was, but deep in her bones she knew He would not abandon her. This was the version of Him she had the greatest desire to meet. This was the one who’d all but created her after she had been forgotten. 

In another it was she who stood above Dianite and Mianite both, imprisoning them so that they would sow no more destruction across the world. She ruled this realm with an iron force of balance, a life for a life. The only true measure of balance. He stood at her side in this world, an enforcer of her will, armed with enchanted bow and sword, an unstoppable warrior. This dream scared her, made her fearful of what she was capable of if she chose that path. But still He remained loyal, despite this version of herself being so different from the others.

In yet still another she sat on a hill overlooking a quaint port town with a castle at its center, watching a pair of children run and play. The children looked to her with joy in their eyes and love in their souls. And He sat at her side, entwined His fingers with her own and pressing His lips to her cheek. This was the life Ianite would choose if she had to pick another. It was this dream she liked the most. The Ianite of this world was happy. 

While all her dreams bore great differences, there was one similarity among them. There was always a man at her side. His appearance differed little through each reality, only his dress and age seemed to change, though no matter what He always wore the oddest glasses upon His face. He was hers, the voices said. He was the only one throughout every life that supported her and followed her no matter where she led.  He was only one man though and each version of her got their chance to have Him by her side. And now, she realized, He was here in her world. It was finally her turn.

She felt the change in the air when the worlds synced. It was an influx of energy unlike anything she or her brothers had ever felt. Without a word to one another, they went their separate ways to think about what was happening. Mianite disappeared into the clouds to his ‘fortress’ (though Ianite knew it was little more than a fort made of cloud matter, her little brother was imaginative like that), Dianite ventured to his underground ‘lair’ (a cave he’d managed to cultivate life in despite the lack of sun, goodness her brothers had active minds), and Ianite herself went to the sea cave where she liked to be alone and gather her thoughts. 

When the burst of power came, it was so abrupt and strong that Ianite nearly fell from the rock she was sat upon and into the sea. “My powers… They are coming to be real!” She said to herself in astonishment, looking down at her hands. She had a faint purple glow about her and for the first time in her memory, she could silence the voices of her other lives that were in her head. She finally had control. 

Across their realm, both brothers had similar experiences of power, giving their own words of shock and acceptance. None of the three knew the source but only Mianite understood that this was not a coincidence. Whomever had caused the sync between worlds had caused this strengthening. It was something he must investigate. The prophecy of their mother had spoken of the coming of heroes who would give them the strength to finally overthrow their father. After all these years, it was finally time. 

When Ianite returned home, she noticed the change within her brothers. Both had a similar glow to them that she herself had, though in red and blue respectively. None of them commented on the change when clearly all three had experienced it. They knew Mother’s prophecy, they knew what they were destined to do. It had been nearly a millenia ago when she’d first told them, disguising their fate within a bedtime story. Once Mother had gone, Ianite, as the eldest, had become the reluctant guardian to her brothers, doing her best to keep their home at balance as only she was able. But now it seemed, her time was coming to an end. Soon their Chosen Champions would be calling out to them and things would change forever between the three of them. She would miss this calm, the peace between Order, Chaos and Balance. But even she was growing restless and tired of waiting.

When she fell asleep that night, she used her new power to bring forth the dream of the port town. But this time, she saw not the man that Ianite had married, but the version of Him from the world where Ianite had been imprisoned. He had traveled across the dimensions to that one, here in this world He would do as He had done in the last, make choices that he believed would be in her best interests rather than His own. He was loyal, all versions of Him were, but this one especially. Secretly, the Ianite who fell asleep now, hoped she might meet Him who had been the one to give her strength in the world where she’d had none, to give her life when she'd given up on it.  She knew not His name, but did know His face and was very eager to meet Him, however long it took. 

She was in the sea cave a week later when she felt the pull. She heard a new voice in her head, that of a man. “SMITE YEE ALMIGHTY IANITE” he called to her. The pull grew stronger and stronger and then she saw a room of purple and white stone, an illustration of herself decorated a wall and when she turned, there He was. 

She didn’t know what to say, all this time and she was at a loss for words upon laying eyes on Him.

“Hello!” She said, deciding to begin simply. 

“Milady.” He greeted, inclining his head. “How are you?” 

There were others there, but she cared little for them right now. All she cared about was that He was here. The man that all other versions of her trusted and believed in was here for her. 

“I wasn’t expecting to be here so soon.” She admitted.

“I wasn’t expecting it either.” He agreed. 

She looked around the temple they were in. She knew other versions of Him were skilled builders and apparently this one was as well. She wanted nothing more than to stay and speak to Him and get to know Him but already she felt the power that had pulled her here starting to wane. 

“I can’t stay long… but this place! This is beautiful!” She told Him, hoping it would lessen the blow that she was leaving so soon. 

“Thanks I worked hard!” He said with pointed enthusiasm while the other men snickered behind him. Perhaps they had teased His capabilities and her praise had given Him the validation He’d desired?

She looked around further and nodded to herself and Him. This would be her temple most certainly. This would be the place she would channel her power through. “Yes, this will be fine! I love it! Thank you!” 

She’d decided to ignore the incorrectness of the portrait, figuring that in another realm, the Ianite He knew must have had eyes like this. The other men however were not so keen on letting it slide. The man who’d called her, a priest, she realized once he spoke, was the first to draw attention. All but opening the floodgates for the other two to ask questions. 

Ianite noticed the way her Champion blushed, embarrassed by his mistake. “It’s called heterochromia…” she defended “and I think it makes me cute!” 

“Yes! Very cute!” Her champion agreed immediately. She chuckled at His eagerness to impress. 

One of the other men, who appeared to be a zombie? asked after Dianite. “Dianite?” She questioned “He’s fine. I’m sure you’ll meet him soon.” 

“Dianite is super nice right?” Her champion asked with a mischievous look in his eye. “Like just a great dude?” 

“Oh he’s very sweet.” She agreed. Confused by the way the zombie argued with the others at her confirmation. 

He tried to find out more but she chose not to answer. He’d meet Dia soon enough. “But I really can’t stay.” She told her champion with a frown. 

“Why not?” The priest asked. 

She knew it was not her place to tell them the full truth. They need not know of what was to come, not yet at least. They’d only just met. “I left because of a great evil in this land.” She told them. 

The zombie shouted in disbelief but she waited only for her champion's reaction. “Fenrir?” He asked “Is that the evil?” How he knew of Fenrir she wasn’t certain, but was not yet certain if she should tell them more. She would speak to her brothers once they’d met the heroes themselves and decide on a course of action. 

“Please… give me another day. I will return for good.” She promised, looking to Him. He was the one she was to trust and believe in, not any of the others. Though perhaps she might confide somewhat in the priest, he seemed to know more than the others. He was the one who’d summoned her after all. 

“Tomorrow you’ll be back forever?” her champion asked, a hint of pleading desperation behind the lenses of His glasses. She knew that other versions of herself had been lost to Him or had taken Him quite some time to meet. He didn’t want to lose her again. 

“Well, as long as forever can truly be. But yes.” 

The relief on His features gave her hope that she might be enough for Him who had lost so much. 

The moment was ruined when an arrow struck the column beside her with a shout of accusation from the zombie. In an instant her champion had drawn His bow and fired an arrow at the zombie. It didn’t connect, a warning shot, but an efficient one. Her other selves had not been mistaken, He hadn’t hesitated to defend her despite there being no harm done. 

“Mister Zombie. I think you dropped this arrow.” She said pointedly, pulling it from the stone and throwing it back to him while he continued to make accusations about who’d fired the shot. He opened his mouth to make an excuse but stumbled back when her champion rammed into him with a trident’s magic. The other’s laughed at the zombie’s expense, the zombie joining a moment later, clearly used to the teasing.

“That sounds like one of my brother’s ‘pranks’.” She chuckled along with them. 

The priest tried to revisit her avoidance of the mention of the great evil but her champion asked further of her brothers. Whether He knew he was giving her a way to avoid answering the priest she wasn’t sure, but either way she took the opportunity. 

“Mia would prank us both. No idea why.” She told him, confused by their surprise.

“Mianite does pranks? Not Dianite?” Her champion asked, eyebrows furrowed in disbelief.

What world did they come from where Dianite was the mischievous one? Neither of her brothers were particularly ruthless, though she supposed Mianite was the one who more often started quarrels between them. 

“But, really, I think I should leave.” She told them, frowning slightly at the disappointment on His face. “If I can come back, maybe my brothers can too. Go see them!” She urged. She’d had her time to speak with the heros, her brothers deserved the same chance. She knew that they were just as eager to meet them as she was. 

“Ok, we will.” Her champion assured her. 

The Priest spoke further to them and she took the chance to look around. Despite the issue with the portrait, it really was a lovely temple. The portrait was clue enough that He’d known her before, for if she’d never seen Him in this world then He’d never seen her here either. He’d chosen colors and materials she was fond of as well. It was magnificent, truly.

“Good to see you my lady.” He said once the other’s had left. There was a fondness in His voice that sent a flutter of joy through her heart. He left without another word, following His friends to summon one of her brothers. 

“Glad to finally meet you, my Champion.” She whispered, letting go of the strength that kept her here and returning home. 

She was in the sea cave once more when she opened her eyes but now she felt a lightness in every breath. He was everything she’d expected and she could hardly wait to get to know Him better. He was not the husband of one of her lives, nor was He the warrior of the darker lives. She was hesitant to get her hopes too high, but He might just be the man who’d brought her to life in the world where she hardly existed. 

That night, as she fell asleep, Ianite dreamed of the world where she had been married to Him. Except now, it was not the husband she saw, instead He wore red glasses and was surrounded by others, His friends, as they celebrated a victory she felt the significance of even now. She was not there corporeally, but instead was a spirit of herself. She was present in the consciousness of the spirit as a tome was placed in His pocket, this version of herself’s final words to Him. She watched as He found the tome and began to read it out loud to His friends.

“...The man is faced with a choice between the two. His life is riddled with choices! And like the stubborn idealist he is, he carves out a middle path. He’ll take neither god. He’ll have a goddess all to his own...” He had a smile on his face and tears in his eyes as he read, for in this realm he had lost his goddess. 

It is upon the final words that Ianite knows that this is the version of Him who she has met. He always looked the same but it was in His eyes that she saw the same respect and trust she’d seen in the temple. Not the loving adoration of the husband, nor the resolved acceptance of the warrior. 

The voice of herself that had been imprisoned echoed in her mind. “Treat him well and treat him fairly young one. He deserves it after all he has done for us.”

[blaster-aichi]

Cardfight!! Vanguard Extra Story IF 16 things

forgot to post this, heck

Fanguard’s dream of actual hobo Kai-kun sleeping on Bench-chan is finally realized

There’s a lot of Kamui and Shin instinctively having feelings true to the true reality and mismatched to IF’s world. There’s two possibilities for this: a) Aichi did a really shitty job nailing down everything due to his concentration being focused primarily on Kai-kun b) the rupture from the illusion around Kai-kun unravelling tore into the IF world as a whole and it’s unable to entirely maintain its story, allowing for instances like Morikawa recalling Kai-kun’s line from Reboot’s first episode or Kamui and Shin recognizing Kagero as a clan expected of him.

The Kamui/Morikawa interactions were really cute, it’s nice to see them butting heads and just being rambunctious kids

Izaki sank the Miyaji Kai-kun theory, curious what he’s like at school in this form.

The ferocity of his original memories invading and scaring him having a lasting impact and making him afraid to play again even a couple/few days later is both fascinating and gutwrenching.

Honestly very surprised that Shin would reprimand anyone for being loud, particularly when that’s Misaki’s thing and where are you hiding her?

The softer he is, the more heartbreaking his situation is in the grand scheme of things, even if he’s come to terms with it. How dare you, Bushi.

IF 15: [roasts himself]. IF 16: [literally roasts a nerd]

Love and hate how the opportunity to elaborate and delve into Kai-kun’s relationship with Dragonic Overlord is taken advantage of because why not just stab me instead? It’s a nice insight into a facet of his time away from Hitsue that was never truly touched on in either version prior.

Emi and Shingo become Fanguard.

Right eye sighted. But being it’s Shingo's recollection of Aichi, not yet willing to buy that it’s completely normal with the fact that, beyond this and his encountering Shuka, it’s remained hidden — the purpose of the shot itself was to establish Shingo isn’t remembering things correctly, so there’s no reason to believe that he’s aware of anything that might be different about it.     — This could be reflected in how Aichi keeps his distance from the others, holed up in his private quarters and suffering with only Kourin seeming to be anywhere near him during such times. It’s reminiscent of Legion Mate, both in his trying to shoulder everything alone/hide the agony he’s going through and Kourin’s close proximity, standing as his right hand in a manner that no-one else fills.    — Also to go with the Legion Mate topic, in this moment, IF Aichi gives off VoidAichi vibes. Despite how broken up it’s apparent he would and should be to exile himself (see V epi 21 and the flashback to him watching the others in Card Capital from Legion Mate), he shows no emotion, but rather seems completely numbed. Also probably looking waaaay too far into it, but 2/2 times when his face has been completely obscured, there’s been a stylistic choice beneath his eyes that is typical of exhaustion/strain/fatigue and it keeps worrying me.

IF 17

The preview gives the impression that this episode is about to be a turning point; that with Naoki and Shingo both having some understanding that things aren’t quite right, their loyalty to Aichi might start to wane.

Naoki’s going out in his Miyaji school uniform has alarm bells ringing, personally, for reasons elaborated below.

Never knew that needed Kai-kun working a part-time job in my life but boy is it a need now.

Here for Mamoru reigniting his fandom for Kai-kun. Very here for it.

IF vs. V 21

As a first note, Kai-kun being the one to separation between Aichi and his deck against their IF selves has a nice touch of irony to it. Calling back to it would be a powerful way of drawing on their positions in relation to the scene.

Considering just how badly Aichi freaked out over the idea of giving up his Royal Paladin deck and what it would force unto him, there’s little reason to suspect anything that’s happening in IF is really of his own free will.   — It’s been brought up that, without the two meeting as kids, Aichi shouldn’t really have much knowhow about Vanguard, much less a relationship to it. Considering Kai-kun remained a Hitsue student, it’s an easy assumption to make that Aichi’s education followed the same pattern (though his reasoning for returning to Miyaji remains a mystery, with his lacking the confidence that his original reality/Outside World self had); his exposure to the game might come through his time in Middle School, but it’s a loose and distant connection at best. IF World Aichi, without knowledge of Outside World (if they are two separate versions), would have no reason to target Vanguard over anything else.

As Void and Star-Vaders aren’t a facet of the Reboot continuity, a theory that had in mind for a while is that a remnant of Brandt may have seized the moment when Aichi was Deleted and been festering away in the same manner as the Link Joker Seed. A previous post detailed the mindfuckery involved to break Aichi enough that he would turn on the game, particularly given how fearful he was of relinquishing it and the isolation it would return him to — the very circumstances he’s imposed upon himself (but far worse, in exiling himself from the real world). Though he’s a selfless boy and Kai-kun means an enormous amount to him, it simply doesn’t make sense that he would willingly go down this road.

Rather he’s mind has been twisted so much to believe in what he’s now doing or he’s being controlled by something of Brandt (as we’d never confirmation it was no longer a threat), if not some other force (though to introduce a new one at this stage in both the franchise and the reboot continuity with OverDress around the corner would be a peculiar choice).

Couple of theory things, feat. one really out there idea:

Naoki:

Naoki’s actions in the preview might be glimpses of him starting to break away from Aichi’s will; not with malicious intent, but rather the opposite.

The line of thinking goes as so: as he and Shingo come to realize their memories have been tampered with, Naoki seeks out Emi and Shuka, obtaining Blaster Blade with the intent of returning to the point in time where Aichi should have received it. Among the screencaps Bushiroad has released, one shows a young Naoki and Aichi, who’s holding a card  — rather than allowing the event to play out as it should have, Naoki intends to give Aichi the card himself.

In doing so, Aichi can begin down his path that liberates him from the crushing loneliness that he endured prior to actively playing the game, or in the case of IF, running away from home. Simultaneously, Naoki himself is freed from the guilt that’s shackled him in both continuities about not doing anything to help Aichi, as the Reboot has demonstrated how he yearned to at the time but was too late to make any move. This is his means of doing so and atoning for a reality when he failed.

When Emi, Shuka and Kai-kun would recognize him as the one who threatened the latter’s parents plus Suiko (and Ibuki) would be familiar with him as normal, there’s not a clear reason why he would forgo his Sanctuary Knight uniform for a civilian look other than to avoid attracting the attention of bystanders.;(It might be overthinking it to speculate there being anything more to it than this, but when has that ever worked?)    — Granted this is under the assumption that he would be able to leap through the timeline though Jammers of earlier episodes were capable of doing so, none of the enemy’s core have made any such move yet. And the consequences of doing so; if Aichi’s suffering is the result of IF World unravelling, then Naoki venturing to alter the timeline further may, in fact, cause him more harm than any good he may intend.

2.5 hours later edit: Courtney just shared the epi synposis and FUCK

Alternatively, Naoki might regain glimpses of the Psyqualia Zombie arc and see himself beating Aichi, leading to Destiny Conductor being able to control him and his eventual Deletion by Ibuki’s hand.

On the one side, it reinforces Aichi’s feelings that Vanguard is something they shouldn’t come into contact with, but Naoki could see it otherwise. He harbours guilt over being the catalyst for those instances, piling on top of his failure to reach out when they were in elementary school, spurning him to go back and redo everything so that he can always protect Aichi, not to embody anguish that the other goes through.

It would also strengthen a hostile opposition towards Ibuki, whose past sin comes back into play. He might throw the event in his face as a means of trying to dredge up his old feelings towards Vanguard and sway him to resist setting things right, whenever/however it is he’s released from wherever Aichi sent him and depending on what he experiences there.

Kourin:

Where we are currently feels very much like the “Sera’s betrayal leading to the Quatre Knights’ dissolution” point. Sera and Rati clashed with one another personally, Gaillard joined with Kai-kun and Naoki, Neve opposed VoidAichi directly — Naoki’s actions in the preview might be glimpses of him starting to break away from Aichi’s will. Though Naoki’s intentions are ultimately to save Aichi from the position he’s stuck in, it’s ultimately defying him — a far cry from what has been shown of the Knights, thus far, who have been fiercely loyal to him, which makes this sort of movement striking.

Miwa also doesn’t appear best pleased in the preview. As someone whose best friend was nearly killed as a result of Aichi’s orders  — a friend at risk now that he’s taking a stance against the group’s status quo — there’s every reason for him to defect for the sake of preventing another (and possibly actually fatal) incident. It’s very possible that It’s entirely possible that, in similar vein to Legion Mate, the collapse of the Knights will leave only Kourin by Aichi’s side, who’ll serve as the last line of defence. 

Mamoru & Tokoha / Aichi & Emi:

It wasn’t touched on during Nagisa and Gouki’s episode, but the dynamic of older brother and younger sister has the potential to crop up here, as well as the chance to contrast the Sendous’ current selves with the Anjou siblings (and the former’s past).

   — Not to mention how Mamoru and Aichi are polar opposites, at the moment in regards to their sisters in danger. Mamoru gambled with his life to keep Tokoha safe in the Dragon Empire attack of the original continuity, and anyone could see Aichi would do the same, but IF Aichi is the one who would inflict harm upon Emi, made clear by his soldiers’ attack on her and Shuka when they attempted to enter the past. Maybe, inadvertently, Tokoha might be put in jeopardy and Mamoru propelled to protect her in the same way, bringing about the behaviour of the two versions of her brother that Emi knows in the same situation.

Give me 11-year old Tokoha to mirror 11-year old Emi at the start of each continuity and drive this home.

And most importantly:

DRAGONIC OVERLORD ARMOUR

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Game of Thrones 8.4 “The Last of the Starks”

I. Am. MAD.

This...this week’s offering right here is an example of an episode I loved and loathed in equal measure. There were lovely moments of--

And then...then there were even more ones of--

Y’all know what I’m talking about. From Brienne’s heartbroken face to that motherfucking Northern stubbornness, to Missandei’s capture and death, to Jon still not knowing enough (he’s so naive), to Euron shooting poor Rhaegal out of the sky, to JON BEING A HORRIBLE WOLF-DADDY!

He just ABANDONED Ghost! Without even a pat goodbye! Even if he had to leave him, he could’ve at least spared a frigging goodbye. Yeah yeah budget blah blah. You couldn’t get an actual big, white, fluffy dog for the few seconds needed for Jon Snow to bid his wolfy buddy who RISKED HIS LIFE for him a proper farewell?! 

I pet my dog and call him a good boy when he gets the ball and goes poop outside. You couldn’t spare more than a “laters, brah” nod to your poor puppy?!

LOOK HOW SAD HE IS!

I want to hug him and kiss him and snuggle him and tell him he’s the goodest boi in the North. Pawning him off to Tormund to live Beyond the Not Wall where he knows no one, what’s the matter with you, Jogon of House Snowaryen?! 

Dany may be leaning a biiiiiit too far into her House Targaryen roots but at least she is a dedicated pet owner. We know she loves her...scale...babies? They have spines, right? Spine babies? Fire babies. 

Ugh, let’s get into this week’s slice of sadness. 

The episode opens with a massive funeral for those that died in the Battle of Winterfell. Including Jorah, Lyanna, Theon, Mr. Edd, and Beric, who is now definitely out of lives.

Dany, crying, leans over Jorah’s prone body, kisses his forehead, and whispers something we’ll never know into his ear.

At least, we’ll never know unless either Emilia or Iain decide to spill the deets. Iain Glen said in a post-ep interview with Entertainment Weekly that it was “something definitely profound”. But who knows, he could be bullshitting us and she actually said “I like muffins” or something and he had to lay there pretending to be dead.

On second thought, she’s English. So perhaps she prefers crumpets. 

Sansa is sniffling over Theon’s body and places a House Stark pin in his shirt. Jon is looking out at this sea of corpses like--

There is no more Ol’ Nighty to bring them back.

Or so we’re led to believe. 

The camera pans across the mourners and we catch a glimpse of our favorite furry friend.

He’s such a good, loyal doggo. Wolfo? Direwolfo. 

Oh Jon I am so MAD AT YOU!

Saving my rage for a bit further down. Barely.

Jon gives a farewell speech about all their dead--they defended the realms of men, no one will ever see their like again, etc. etc.--and then some of the mourners who knew the dead best are given flaming branches in order to set the bodies alight. In the North, they burn their dead. I guess cus the ground is forever frozen and one day someone from House Whyrevr said fuck it and lit his dead grandma on fire. 

Afterwards, they have a joint funeral/”glad we’re alive” party because of course they do. Kinda reminiscent of our shiva except people are sitting on chairs. At the head table, Jon is looking awkwardly at Dany--apparently, that whole “we’re technically related and oh you have a better claim to the throne than me” stuff has lingered beyond fighting for their lives. Damn. Not even surviving Team Undead’s invasion could get them out of that business. 

Elsewhere, Gendry asks the Hound if he’s seen Arya. Does Robert’s bastard have a wee more on his mind than all the death? Like, say, his wee-wee?

Some things never change, no matter what century it is.

Gendry tries to stutter that it’s not about that but the Hound knows it is. Gendry’s alive and the dead are not. Might as well take ASS-vantage of it.

Eh? Eh?

Srsly, this is like the worst party in the history of Westeros. Uh, aside from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple one, #ByeJoflecia). They just buried burnt a heap of their dead, two of their hosts are keeping a huge secret from everyone (and being super weird around each other because of it), and Dany’s endlessly fighting against that frigging Northern hardheadedness. It’s not GREAT, Bob.

Speaking of that famous Northern jackassery, Dany sees an opportunity to crack that stubborn ice as Gendry crosses the party hall. Calling him over, she at first inquires about his parentage, asks him if he knows that Robert Baratheon kinda had her whole family killed and wanted to slaughter her as an infant. Gendry’s like “Whoa, did not know that he was my daddy until after he was dead” and Dany’s all “Yep he dead and so are Renly and Stannis so who’s Lord of Storm’s End?” and no one knows.

This is Dany’s chance to make good.

Not only did Gendry survive the battle, he got laid and made a lord!

You go, Glenn Coco, Gendry Baratheon, Lord of Storm’s End!

Ser Davos, the onion knight (lol) leads the room in a toast to Gendry, the newest Lord on the block.

Don’t be fooled cus he’s now a Lord, he’s still he’s still Gendry from the Forge.

Tyrion remarks that now Gendry will forever be loyal to her and Dany says that he is not the only one that is clever.

Sansa, hearing this, looks at her like bats just sprouted from her head and flew out her ears while her eyes turned red as she chuckled evilly. 

Oh, come on! This is what people in powerful positions on the show do. That’s how they secure allies without, you know, marrying their allies. You want someone’s loyalty, do something for them. Dany’s not the first one to try that. And it’s not like she had Drogon Dracarys the hell out of one of Gendry’s enemies to secure that loyalty. She made him a damn Lord. 

The Starks are annoying me this season. Except when Arya laid the smacketh down on Ol’ Nighty. 

In another corner, Jaime and Brienne are celebrating by gettin’ crunk. She offers a halfassed excuse but Jaime’s all “Dude, we defeated a horde of zombies. Drink up!” and she does, giving him this look:

Bow chicka wowowwwwwwwwwwwwww chicka chicka boom.

Not that I can blame her. Aside from all that incestin’, Jaime’s a fine slice of Kingslayer pie.

Ser Davos of House Onion and Tyrion are talking about Melisandre, who last episode took off her necklace and aged into evaporation. Davos tells Tyrion that he swore to Melisandre he would kill her next time he saw her but he never got the chance, as she did it to herself. Or the Lord of Light took her. Or whatever. They don’t like him much. They fight his war and then he fucks off. 

Tyrion crosses the room to BranBot, who is reading in his wheelchair, which Tyrion calls a clever invention. I keep forgetting that wheelchairs aren’t really a thing in Westeros. 

BranBot, as animated as he’s programmed to be, delights in telling Tyrion that it is reminiscent of the one Daeron Targaryen made for his nephew over a hundred years ago. Just your regular episodic reminder that BranBot is...BranBot. 

Tyrion says BranBot’s BranVision will come in handy as the Lord of Winterfell, which he technically is as Ned Stark’s last surviving “trueborn” son. But BranBot doesn’t want it. BranBot doesn’t really want anything or anyone. He totally just doesn’t care, man.

Tyrion envies BranBot’s ability to not give a shit and and BranBot tells him not to because--

Yes, yes. You’re an “old soul”, BranBot. BranBot calls himself a grandpa in a teenager’s body. He forgets what generation he is and refers to people his own age as “you youngins”. He constantly crows that he is a “proud introvert” who’d rather be reading. We KNOW, BranBot!

Tormund leads a toast (with his awesome tusk cup) to the Dragon Queen and everyone cheers so maybe Dany’s making headway. She herself turns her own toast to Arya, the hero of the Battle of Winterfell. 

Jaime, Brienne, Tyrion, and Pod are playing a Westerosi version of Never Have I Ever with wine and Tormund, a bit drunk off his red ass, is going on and on about how awesome Jon is. Meanwhile, Dany is listening and though she toasts him she knows that she will always be an outsider to these people and they fucking love Jon.

Also, this happened:

“May I have your name?”

“Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Mother of Dragons.”

“Okay, that’s Daniellris Shoehorn, the Sunburnt, Keen of Mean Girls, Bean of the Sandals and the Thirsty Hen, Call Sweetie of the Eight Assed Bee, Brother of Wagons. Is that correct?”

“Ugh. Just write Dany.”

“Okay, Fannie.”

The PTB at HBO have since digitally removed The Cup from the episode but wah bro I think they should have kept it in. That’s hilarious. I want to live in a world where Starbucks exists on Game of Thrones. And it survived the battle. Of course House Styrbycks is right around the corner from Winterfell, conveniently situated at the heart of the town square. 

And you better believe there’s a ride-thru for the horseman on the go.

I enjoy how HBO came out with a statement that Dany ordered herbal tea. I can see Dany ordering herbal tea.

In warmer climes, though, she’s definitely a dragon fruit smoothie girl.

Aside: Liam Cunningham recently went on Conan and gifted him The Cup:

He swore it was the actual cup. How is that even possible?! Wouldn’t someone have tossed it after all this time? And the fact that it was still around had to signal to someone on set that a) trolol a person in Consistency fucked up and at least one dude on GoT knew it before the ep aired and b) that Emilia’s discarded latte appearing in a scene would be gold. 

I want to believe it’s legit. I want to believe so hard that it’s the real Cup and that all these circumstances came together to land the Cup in Liam’s hand all this time later. I want to, and so I shall.

(Yes, I know it is not the real Cup but shh I want to BELIEVE!)

So, Dany is watching everyone have fun and be close with each other, especially how everyone seems to love Jon here, and she’s feeling even more like an outsider (and not a bit insecure about her claim to the throne) and she gets up and leaves. Varys starts to follow her with his watchful Varys eyes.

Jaime, Brienne, Podrick, and Tyrion are still playing their game and getting increasingly drunker doing so. Drunker and more giggly. Everything’s all well and good until Tyrion suddenly sits up, looks Brienne in the eye, and accuses her of being a--dun dun dun--virgin. Pod nonchalantly sips his wine.

Brienne clambers out of her seat and mutters that she has to piss. Tormund, also drunk as a skunk, stumbles to their table, celebrating, and asks--

Well? Who did shit in Tormund’s pants?!

It’s kinda awks because Tormund is into Brienne but Brienne has feelings for Jaime and when did GoT become a teen soap opera? It’s like The North 00000 up in here.

Tyrion pours more wine into Tormund’s tusk as Jaime follows Brienne out.

Dramz. Will they? Won’t they? Stay tuned next week!

No, they totally will right now. 

But first, Tormund is going to bitch.

I was cheering for Tormund to win his Big Woman, I really was. But then Jaime showed up and their chemistry just...reignited. 

Tormund expresses sadness until a Northern lady volunteers to take up his time. The Hound continues to drown his sorrows--tho idk what he’s sad about, he’s alive--ignoring even the prospect of sexytimes until Sansa, finally able to make eye contact with the Hound, shares his table. It was a long time ago when she couldn’t even look at him, back when she was just a little bird. But now she’s a dark phoenix (see what I did there? Because Sophie Turner is starring in Dark Phoenix!) risen from the ashes, having had her revenge against her latest torturer/husband, Ramsay Bolton via his own hounds.

None of if would’ve happened if Sansa had left K.L. with the Hound way back when. But Sansa gently squeezes his hand and says that without Ramsay, Littlefinger, and all those assholes, she’d still be that same naive little bird.

Anyone else get the vibe that David and D.B. are kinda...trying to justify what Ramsay did to Sansa here? Just an itty bit? All that’s missing is Sansa belting out Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”. 

Outside, Arya is practicing her archery skillz when Gendry, the new Lord of Storm’s End, is imbued with way too much enthusiasm after being dubbed by Dany and legit blurts out a proposal to his one night stand right then and there.

Ugh. I can’t wait until my shitty copy of Phhotoshop arrives. Until then I have to use paint shop. Look at those corners! They are making me itch.

Anyway, Arya obvs rejects Gendry’s proposal and it’s d’awww. Gendry is like that guy you hook up with once because he’s hot and afterwards, he won’t stop calling you and texting you and trying to add you as a Facebook friend and messaging you on Twitter suggesting that you fly to Michigan to meet his parents for Thanksgiving. This is something I know nothing about.

Ah, now we’ve circled back to the Jaime and Brienne Show!

That’s if he’s not still obsessed with his siiiiiiiiissssterrrr (she’s a psycho!)

Brienne’s throwing more wood onto yet another hearth (there are a lot of hearths in Winterfell) when Jaime knocks on her door and unceremoniously proclaims that she did not drink when Tyrion accused her of being a V to the gin. He pours her some Dornish red and mutters about it being hot in here; Brienne has learned in the North to always keep a fire going. Jaime has learned in the North that he hates the fucking North. Brienne counters that it grew on her.

Jaime wonders if Tormund Giantsbane also grew on her. He seemed quite sad when she left.

He wants the V-card and the V.

Jaime chuckles awkwardly and begins to pull at the collar of his shirt because “it’s bloody hot in here”. Brienne watches him warily for a second until she gets annoyed and unties the garment herself.

You see where this is going.

First time for Jaime, too. He’s never slept with a knight before.

Has he ever slept with anyone who isn’t his sister before?

Shows how much he cares about Brienne. Letting someone in who isn’t Cersei. That’s a good, non-incestuous step forward, Jaime.

It’s a big moment for Brienne, too, aside from the obvious. She’s had a thing for Jaime for years. This is like that guy you’ve been secretly pining for suddenly realizing he’s totally into it.

In the next scene, Dany confronts a “slightly drunk” Jon, who did not know Ser Jorah very well, but he is pretty sure that if he would’ve chosen a way to die, it would have been protecting Dany. Dany knows Jorah loved her, but she couldn’t love him back--not the way he deserved, not the way she loves Jon.

They kiss and it’s like before Jon ever found out he’s also Aegon until--

“Does Westeros have any support groups for this? Maybe I should ask Ser Jaime.”

Jon wishes that Dany had never told them that they were related and I’m sitting here like--

He would’ve figured it out sooner or later, right? I mean, if he knew he was half Targaryen and all and Rhaegar was his daddy. I understand math is hard but...

Dany tries to forget and sometimes almost succeeds until tonight when she saw all those people gathered around him, looking at him like I’m The Hero! People have looked at her like that before, lots of people, but not here, not on this side of the Narrow Sea. She begs him not to tell anyone of his Targaryen lineage, to swear Samwell and BranBot to secrecy, so that things could go back to how they were before between them. 

But Jon must tell Sansa and Arya because family and nobility and Starkism and all that. And we all know Sansa no likey Dany, despite the fact that HER ARMIES SAVED YOUR NORTHERN ASS.

She begs him some more and he promises that she is his Queen and they can all live together. And they can, if Jon keeps his trap shut.

In Brienne’s quarters, if the animal pelts are a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!

Warm enough in there now, Brienne? 

In the War Room--damn, don’t we all aspire to have a War Room?--our favorites are gathered around the Great Table or whatever with a map of Westeros in the center and some old timey Checkers pieces standing in for the two sides’ respective armies. Obvs, the Battle of Winterfell has depleted Dany and Jon’s forces greatly, but they still have enough to wage hell on Cersei. Yara has taken back the Iron Islands in her name, and the Prince of Dorne pledges his support. Still, Cersei has the Golden Company led by Guyliner Greyjoy and the Lannister Army fresh and ready to fight. 

Dany is not appeased. No matter how many noble people declare their fealty to her, while Cersei still sits on the Iron Throne, she can still call herself Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.

Jon, Tyrion, and Varys reassure her with talk of dragons and the people of K.L. having rebelled against their King before. Sansa adds that she wants to give the armies time to recuperate, which is also--

--since they just fought Team Undead and all. But Dany wants to hit up K.L. NOW NOW NOW because the longer they wait, the stronger her enemies become. Or something.

Someone’s starting to lean a wee too far into her Targ roots. It’s just common sense, Dany. Take a chill pill.

But Jon sticks up for his GF. Very sternly, he swears the North will honor its commitments and allegiance to the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and blah blah blah. 

Dany appears smug.

Silently, Arya and Sansa trade glances like--

Tyrion narrates that Jon will lead the remaining forces up the Kingsroad while a smaller group of them will take a fleet to Dragonstone while the Queen will follow on...dragonback.

Jaime will remain at Winterfell as a guest. 

The camera ticks to Brienne’s expression at the mention of her former crush and new lovah’s name:

She’s trying to outwardly remain passive, but inside--

She’s getting laid and she’s not dead. Those are good times in Westeros.

Dany completes the conference and Arya demands a word with Jon. Outside, Jon is like “We’d all be DEAD if not for her” which is again DUH and Sansa snides “Arya’s the one that killed the Night King”. Arya wouldn’t have had the chance to kill the Night King without Dany’s armies because they’d all be DEAD. Seven Hells, you people are ridiculous. “We don’t trust her, ShE’s nOt OnE oF Us.” That is an absurd reason not to trust someone. I’m from New Jersey. It’d be like me about to be murdered and refusing help from someone because they’re from Florida. Don’t trust her because of her personality not because of where she is from.

And then, like a naive idiot, Jon actually thinks because he swore them to secrecy, Sansa and Arya will for sure totally keep his true lineage behind zipped lips.

This here was one of the scenes that made me roll my eyes so hard, they almost got stuck.

From that, thankfully, GoT moves on to one of my favorite scenes of the episode. Jaime and Tyrion sitting there over drinks gossiping like yentas. Jaime’s giving his younger brother all the deets vis-a-vis his liaison with Brienne. When Tyrion doesn’t say anything snide, Jaime is visibly uncomfortable, and Tyrion claims he’s happy Jaime is happy. 

And--

Tyrion has been waiting for ages to make tall person jokes.

He also wants to know what she’s like “down there”. Jaime calls him a dog.

But then Bronn shows up, finally after Creepy Qyburn hired him to kill Cersei’s “traitorous brothers”, a bit drunk off his ass, brandishing that crossbow. After he smacks Tyrion in the nose, he tells them that Cersei offered him Riverrun, but he knows the Queen is fucked after seeing Dany’s dragons, even with their depleted forces. And Cersei can’t pay up if she’s dead, so...

So Tyrion counters the offer. Highgarden for Riverrun. Bronn would be made Lord of the Reach. It’s certainly open now that House Tyrell has been decimated (RIP Olenna, you ultimate badass). Jaime blanches. How could Tyrion just give him Highgarden? Well hell, it’s better than being dead. 

Jaime doesn’t think Bronn will seriously kill them. Jaime is wrong.

Jaime scoffs Highgarden will never belong to a cuttrhoat but Bronn laughs pish-posh. Isn’t that how all the great Houses started? Kill a few hundred, they make you a Lord. Kill a few thousand, they make you a King?

Tyrion gives Bronn-y his word he’l give him Highgarden as long as they take King’s Landing. Bronn opts out of leading the fight, but wishes the brothers luck with a casual “Don’t die”.

The Hound yells “FFS!” when he meets up with Arya on the Kingsroad. Yep, they’re both goin’ Kings Landing way. Nope, Arya doesn’t really care to hang around, even if she is the hero after knifing that horned fucker. Yes, she probably will abandon the Hound again if he gets hurt.

They both have “unfinished business”. Arya to scratch Cersei off her infamous Kill List. The Hound, presumably, to finally fulfill our fantasy of Clegane Bowl!

Elsewhere, Dany is getting ready to leave the fucking frozen North, petting her dragons. And on this show, that is not a euphemism. One of them, presumably Rhaegal, takes flight.

While Drogon remains with her, that mama’s boy.

On the bridge, Sansa is watching Drogon and Rhaegal lift off, trying to shoot them down with her eyes.

Before he leaves, Tyrion tries to convince her one more time that Daenerys is it, or at least a way better option than Cersei, and he believes in her, her people love her, Jon loves her, etc, and he’d totes appreciate it if they were at least allies, and he turns to leave as the camera pans close on Sansa’s face; she calls him back to spilleth the beans..eth.

Did I win?

As Jon is loading up his Horshon Wagon, Tormund jokes that he’s not riding the dragon down south. Jon laughs that Rhaegal needs a break; he doesn’t need Jon weighing him down.

Tormund says that he has had enough of “the south” and plans to take the Free Folk back Beyond the Not Wall through Castle Black. It’s not home, not where they belong. Or, suddenly, where Ghost belongs either after EIGHT YEARS.

Yeah, this is where I RAGE.

Jon insists the North is no place for a direwolf and asks Tormund to take Ghost with him back Beyond the Not Wall, where he knows no one, will be lonely, and have to contend with even colder weather than what he’s used to. Tormund tells Jon that he has the “real” North running through his veins and “maybe” they’ll meet again before he departs and Jon goes to HUG EVERYONE. 

ALMOST.

RAGE! RAGE AGAINST THE JONCHINE!

I know, I know working with the CGI wolves is ExPeNsIvE, blah blah. I DON’T CARE. There are dragons that spit actual fire on this show. Y’all couldn’t substitute a real big, white, fluffy doggie so Jon could bid his furry friend a real goodbye?! This was the saddest scene in GoT history. Forget Ned’s beheading or even the Red Wedding. This right here is inhuman.

The episode’s director, David Nutter, tried to defend himself, weakly, by insisting he thought this way was more powerful. He obviously does not own dogs. Or any pets of any kind. He did not anticipate how much we all love our furry friends. As soon as the episode aired, Twitter lit up with #GhostDeservedBetter. Poor Ghostie. He lost an ear for you! You’re leaving forever. I snuggle my dogs when I just leave to go to the bathroom. I shall honor Ghost here, First of His Name, Protector of the Realms of Men, the One Eared and the White Furred, Warden of the North. Or at least Warden of the Woof. 

I had to watch this portion a few times to get the right screenshots so now I must go snuggle my own doggies. And tell them they are my own little direwoofies and I will never ever leave them. Especially for King’s Landing.

Jon “I’m the worst Wolf Daddy in Westeros” Snow rides off and Sam, Gilly, Tormund, and Ghost watch him go, even after his owner slighted him, because he is the goodest boi on the continent.

On the way to Dragonstone, Tyrion has immediately spilled to Varys because let’s be honest: Jon’s true parentage was always going to stay a secret for about, meh, an hour? And now eight people know--Jon, Dany, Sansa, Arya, Tyrion, Varys, Sam, and BranBot. Which makes it less a secret and more info. If the internetz had existed back then, the whole of Twitter would’ve known within fifteen minutes. #JongonSnowgaryen would trend worldwide. Westeroswide? 

I need to start following The_Mastr. 

People like Jon. They follow Jon (even tho he’s a terrible pet owner). If this were to get out, Dany would lose the North--Winterfell and the Vale. Sansa would see to that. 

Tyrion suggests marrying them and they could rule together. They love each other, but Varys ain’t so sure Jon could ever see beyond that whole “she’s his aunt” thing. And Dany doesn’t like to have her authority questioned. Then Tyrion cheerfully suggests that Cersei could end up killing them all anyway and that would solve their problems.

And then Guyliner Greyjoy comes out of nowhere and motherfucking shoots down Rhaegal!

I literally gasped “NOOOOOOOOO!” out loud when this happened. My animal-loving heart can only take so much, Game of Thrones. There’s a fan theory that technically we didn’t see Rhaegal die and two somethings appeared in the sky in the trailer for the next episode so he could come back with a vengeance. Please come back with a vengeance, Rhaegal. 

Dany is furious that Captain Maybelline shot her baby and orders Drogon to make a beeline for him. But afraid for her other baby’s life, she turns at the last minute. Euron, annoyed that he only took down one dragon, instead aims for the boat carrying Team Daenerys, which explodes under the force of multiple scorpion arrows. 

All of them swim to shore--all of them, except one. Just before the arrows flew, Grey Worm ordered Missandei to seek refuge on the skiff, and, when we shift to the castle gates, we see Cersei presiding over thousands of innocents who will be caught in the crossfire of war between her and Dany, her child (which she tells Captain Maybellne is his), and a captured Missandei.

In the War Room at Dragonstone--every Great House has a War Room, it seems--our merry band is presiding over a map of King’s Landing where Varys looks Dany in the eye and begs her not to attack the castle. They have Missandei, they killed Rhaegal, yes, but thousands of innocents are held inside the Red Keep, which is Cersei’s modus operandi. Varys pleads with her not to destroy the city she came to save but Dany believes she has a destiny to rid the world of tyrants, and she will fulfill it, no matter the cost.

That sounds vaguely culty, Dany. It wasn’t that long ago you were doing all you could to avoid a battle inside King’s Landing, cus you didn’t wanna destroy the city and the people you were gonna rule over. What happened? Don’t go all Aerys on us.

Tyrion suggests offering Cersei her life in exchange for the throne to avoid carnage. Dany knows Cersei will never go for it, but it’s good for PR, anyway. The people will know that Daenerys Stormborn tried to avoid bloodshed, and Cersei Lannister refused.

Take it back a few, Dany. Just a few, mkay?

At the hearth--there is always a hearth chat going on, and Dragonstone is no exception--Tyrion and Varys are having A Talk. Varys has served many tyrants, and they all talk about destiny and stuff. But, Tyrion negates, Dany has walked through fire and made dragons and lived, maybe she really is destined to rule the Seven Kingdoms. 

Varys considers How To Solve A Problem Like Jon Snow. Who may not be a problem so much as a solution. Who would make a better ruler, Jon or Dany? Varys knows Jon doesn’t wanna rule, which is partly why he bent the knee, but maybe a good ruler would be someone who doesn’t want to rule at all.

And Jon’s a dude, which, in ye olden times, was important. Also why he’s got a tighter claim to the throne than Dany does. They’re talking treason right now. Tyrion accuses Varys of abandoning all of the kings he served under. Varys reaffirms that he will always serve what’s best for the realm and the people, thousands of whom will die if the wrong person sits on the throne. 

Tyrion asks what happens to Dany and Varys gives him a look like “What do you think?” 

At Winterfell, the Northerners are rebuilding while Sansa and Brienne are being all secret-like, talking in whispers and glancing at Jaime. He follows them, having the creeping sensation that they’re talking about something that pertains to him. When he asks what’s up, Brienne tells him that they just got word of Guyliner Greyjoy’s ambush on Dany’s ships, Rhaegal’s death, and Missandei’s capture. 

And another for Jaime Reacting to Bad News screenshots:

BUT what exactly is he reacting to? That Cersei is going to die or that he isn’t going to do it himself?

That night, Jaime is watching Brienne sleep, then creeps outside to pack up his mighty steed to head back to the capital. Too bad Brienne wakes up and catches him. The city is going to be destroyed, they all know this. And Jaime doesn’t have to die alongside Cersei.

Jaime doesn’t think he’s a good man. He pushed a boy out of a window and crippled him for life (which led to him becoming BranBot) for Cersei. He strangled his cousin to get back to Cersei. He would’ve killed every man, woman, and child in Riverrun to get back to Cersei. She’s a monster. And so is Jaime.

And then he leaves and Brienne is heartsick and her POOR FACE. 

THIS EPISODE IS KILLING ME.

But--and I know a lot of other people think this, too--after I wrung my hands a bit, I thought about this moment. I think Jaime’s going back to K.L. to off Cersei himself, leaving Brienne to believe he left because he thinks he doesn’t deserve her. It still SUCKS but it’s less sucky than thinking he’d rather have his twin sister’s V. 

In said capital, the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki forces, along with Dany and her merry men, are lined up outside the gates. Cersei, Pirate von D, and Cersei’s ever lurking zombie Mountain are on the battlements with a chained Missandei. The camera sweeps to show both sides and when did King’s Landing get so FLAT?

Isn’t King’s Landing supposed to be all lush and hilly? What has Cersei done to the place?! This is Dubrovnik, ffs!

Creepy Qyburn comes out of the gates and Tyrion goes to meet him, Hand to Hand. Queen Daenerys demands Cersei’s unconditional surrender and the return of Missandei, unharmed. Queen Cersei demands Daenerys’ unconditional surrender. It’s a stalemate and they’re not getting anywhere so Tyrion tries to appeal to Creepy Qyburn’s logic. They have a chance to prevent bloodshed. To not cause the screams of thousands of children as hellfire is rained down upon them. It’s not a pleasant sound, Qyburn agrees. Alas, he still goes on about Cersei being the one true Queen so Tyrion pushes past him to speak to his sister himself.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are all--

Dany also thinks this is not a good idea.

Some of the Lannister army up on the battlements with Cersei and Co get their bows and arrows ready but as Tyrion approaches, Cersei waves them off with a smug smile. Calling up to her, Tyrion says he knows Cersei doesn’t care about the people of the Seven Kingdoms; they hate her and the feeling’s mutual. 

He mentions her children, her unborn child. How she loved them more than life itself. And just because her reign is over doesn’t mean her life has to end, her her child has to die. 

Just for a moment, one moment, it appears as if his words are getting to her. Cersei takes a deep breath, lets it out shakily. Lena’s acting in this instance is superb. And then, she crosses to Missandei as Dany and Grey Worm race toward the gate in alarm, and murmurs “If you have any last words, now is the time”.

Missandei’s last word?

With her last word, Missandei is telling Dany to fuck it all and burn King’s Landing to the ground.

Cersei gives zombie Mountain the nod to take off Missandei’s head, and poor Grey Worm can’t watch as the undead monster kills his girlfriend.

Dany shakes, turns, and walks away as Cersei smiles triumphantly.

The Mother of Dragons is so done fucking around, y’all.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh this episode was a ride. I wanted to wring SO many necks. Jon Snow, how does it feel to be the villain of the internet? Jaime, you best be headin’ back to K.L. to kill Cersei. Don’t you be breaking Brienne’s heart for nothing. Burn it all down, Dany! #Cleganebowl!

I am EXCITE for the penultimate ep. So EXCITE!

[yukithesnowman314]

Throughout her short seventeen years of life, Sakura Minamoto dealt with everlasting failures and setbacks that mentally wrecked her. In the third grade, she landed the intense star role of Snow White after months of relentless practice to master the role; only to become sick and bedridden on the day of the performance.

Gifted with superior athletic skills, Sakura was selected as captain of her school’s relay team.  She trained day after day in hopes of leading her school to victory against other schools in the Saga district.  Alas, on the morning of competition, she tore up her hamstring; forcing her to retire.

This is why you stretch before any physical activities, children.  

But, those past failures wouldn’t hold her back. Determine to eradicate her bad luck, Sakura (now a sixth grader), had her sights set on academic mastery; vowing to shut everything out of her life in order to enter the best high school in her school district. Friends. Family. Entertainment.   If it wasn’t a tool that’ll help her gain scholarly success, Sakura ignored it. Nothing mattered to her sans entering the ranks of the educated elites.

Two years later, Sakura’s near psychopathic drive towards success would pay off for her. She aced the mock entrance exams days before the real deal.  Finally! Victory was near.

Or so she thought.

On her way to take the real exams, Sakura ran across a few sick elderly women who needed her help.  Instead of ignoring the women and letting them die on the streets (which she should: they had their chance at life), Sakura decided to help these poor women out. However, this drove Sakura into an intense panic; as  she feared that she’ll be late for and miss the exams.

Thankfully, she was able to make it in time. But, the stress from the fear of missing the exams gave Sakura extreme test anxiety – causing her to fail the exam – and missing out on her chance of success once more.

Should have let the old ladies lay there and die, Sakura.

***

Now in high school, the defeated , depressed, and hopeless Sakura rejected offers to hang out with friends, join any after-school clubs, and work on her scholarly and athletic gifts. Nothing mattered to her anymore. She knew that anything she attempted to try would only make her feel worse about herself.

Every day after school, she headed straight home; numbed to the world. She lay up on the couch, mindlessly watching TV and rotting away as life passed her by.  One day in peculiar, Sakura caught a TV special featuring the rise of singer Ai Mizuno: the center performer of the idol group “Iron Frill”.  During the special, Ai was asked about her work ethics, as well as why and how she works so hard.

Ai replied:

“I guess it’s because I don’t think mistakes or failures are a bad thing.  Because they always end up helping with whatever happens next.  And I really believe I’ll only be the best version of me once I overcome it all.”

Mistakes aren’t bad.  Failure isn’t bad. If you study your failures and mistakes, learning from them in the process, you’ll always better yourself.

(Now, let’s not forget the fact that worse girl Ai is a stupid fucking idiot who got herself killed by sticking her arm out during a thunder/lighting storm while holding a mic at an open air concert on live TV/internet broadcast; therefore traumatizing her friends, family members, band mates, and fans for life. Plus, she made her parents cremate and bury her, so there’s that)

You fucked up on a test.  Cool.  See what you were struggling with, study, and do better.  You got rejected by the girl or boy you liked.  That’s okay.  Be happy and reflect on the fact that you finally control your nerves, got over your fear of rejection, and you went for it. It’ll all be helpful the next time you ask different girl or boy who captured your heart out. You might get turned down from the company you’ve dream of working for since your youth.

Look, you will fail at something – it’s unavoidable.  Your return on invest for your efforts might wield negative results at the end.  Whatever you’re working on, sometimes, it won’t turn out the way you hope for.

And that’s okay.

You should embrace failure.  Appreciate it.  Respect it.  Failure means that it wasn’t the right time to execute your plan.  You selected the wrong moment for your course of action.  Something didn’t line up right. Your approach wasn’t correct. Even so, you should inspect what went wrong so that next time, you will do better and better; until the day you are successful.

 “There’s no better than adversity.  Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.”-Malcolm X

Inspired by the TV special, Sakura attended their Saga concert. There, Sakura was captivated by Ai’s high spirited performance to the point she was moved to tears.   It was there where Sakura found the willpower to pull herself out of her depression; yearning to  attack success one more time.

One more shot. One more try. One more chance.

Sakura set her sights to become the girl that she always dreamed of.   She applied to join Iron Frill as an idol.  She wanted to perform next to the singer that – as cheesy and white girlish as it (always) sound – saved her life.  This was it.  She’ll no longer let the set-backs and disappointments of the past drag her down.  With the finished application in hand, the high-spirited Sakura ran out of the house to mail it…

…And then she got hit by a speeding truck and died on impact. The End. Thanks for reading!

(Just kidding.  Sakura lived for a few more seconds in the air from the force of being hit before dying.)

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  ***

“Failure is deceiving; it’s a good thing! You want to and should fail –it’s the learning process!” -Grant Cardone, CEO and real estate investor

Sakura’s journey to success wouldn’t end at her death. In fact, her death (and zombification) was the start of her finally capturing victory. As the center of the all zombie girl music group Franchouchou, Sakura had to lead her team and new friends through failure after failure on the path of success.

You could say that their first concert at the death metal show was a near flop.  First, Sakura was the only member of Franchouchou (or Death Musume as they were first called) who regained her human conscious upon awakening.  The rest of the girls were still in their mindless state.  This resulted in everyone (sans Sakura) not being able sing or play instruments – let alone perform in unison.

Second, they were dress in bright, colorful idol outfits; ill-fitting for a venue hall catering to savage and cutthroat fans of death metal.  Finally, the crowd wasn’t feeling them. They believed that Death Musume was mocking death metal with their idol get-up.

Death Musume proved their doubters wrong.

Thanks to their enhanced zombie  bodies and minds, Death Musume surprised the metal heads with their brutal, (literally) broken-neck style head banging, ghastly growls, hard hitting stage dives that would had injured or killed a normal human, and caused mayhem in the pits after the show.

Even if the show was a (so-called) “flop”, Death Musume gained the respect of the metal heads (whom normally dismissed idols).  They even earned two metal heads as loyal fans after the event. Fans who once were discrediting them admired their savage spirit so much that they followed Death Musume’s journey to success everywhere they performed.

  Their second concert was almost a complete disaster (compared to the last).  Despite regaining their senses, Death Musume (now Green Face), weren’t in tune with one another.  Their movements were awkward and stiff (due to not building up chemistry with one another yet; not because they were zombies).  The audience seemed uninterested in their performance.   Tae had yet to regain her senses; so she was still roaming around mindlessly.

Worse, she tried to steal somebody’s dried squid snack. Sakura attempted to restrain her friend; only to cause Tae’s head to fly off her body into the crowd – therefore causing panic and confusion.

In panic, Sakura played everything off as a magic trick. While Sakura struggled to regain order, Saki started to dick around. The two girls started fighting over Tae’s head (Saki took Tae’s head off her body while Sakua tried to put it back on, annoying the latter). Pissed, Sakura snapped on Saki and snitched on the fact that they were all zombies. Saki snapped back: leading to the girls auguring on stage. Understandably, the audience was shocked.

Total disaster indeed. But, most damages caused by disasters can always be fixed.

Tatsumi saw this as a chance to switch the show’s direction. Seeing Sakura and Saki argue as if they were rival rappers, he began to beat box.  Best zombie girl Yuugiri provided a melodic instrumental on her shimisen. Lily channeled her inner Flavor Flav and played hype girl.  Worse zombie girl Ai stood around looking stupid, awkward, and useless. Second best zombie girl Junko was also standing around looking stupid and awkward.  Sakura and Saki turned their argument into a rap battle.

Together, Green Face was able to take a losing situation, turn it around into something positive, and became victorious. Franchouchou improved each passing day. They didn’t avoid failure – they embraced it and turn it around – into success.

They failed to get a business sponsorship from a drug company (due to Sakura being an idiot). That’s okay; they cut a deal with a local restaurant a few days later; netting a promotion deal with them.  Tae accidently wore said restaurant’s mascot t-shirt after winning a sporting event instead of the shirts featuring their band’s name and logo (for promotional reasons). It didn’t matter: Franchouchou gained more fans from the sporting event.

Lighting struck the stage and the girls during their first major stage performance.  What would have killed any normal human the lighting gave Franchouchou (thanks to being zombies) not only gave the girls the appearance of angels, but enhanced their voices; giving their fans a musical experience they never forget.

“Last night took an L, but tonight I bounce back.” “If you’re a real winner you know how to bounce back!” -Big Sean, Bounce Back

Like Franchouchou, you must use failures as a tool to net you a positive outcome. The path you were on turned into something else. But, you need to take advantage of that.  History is littered with people whom “failed” at one thing but was able to turn it around into greatness.

Japanese Horror and visual novel author Ryukishi07  Ryukishi07 first draft of the ever beloved Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni (lit. When They Cicadas Cry) murder-mystery visual novel series was a short play titled  Hinamizawa Bus Stop.  Inspired by a friend, he submitted the play to his college’s theater group for a contest.  He lost.  After college, Ryukishi07 tried to enter the video game industry with no luck.

Yet, despite the setbacks, he was determined to let the world know about the mysteries and horror of the small village of Hinamizawa. His passionate drive would pay off in August of 2006 when Ryukishi07 dropped Higurashi upon the otaku world at the massive Japanese anime convention Summer Comiket 2002. The game became a global sleeper hit; with the series branching off to light novels, mangas, two live-action movies, a TV series, remakes of the games, and of course, an incredibly successful anime adaption by Studio Deen.

Intelligent System was failing to keep the Fire Emblem series afloat.  After back-to-back failures with titles such as New Fire Emblem: Mystery of the Emblem and Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, the series was at risk of being killed off by Nintendo.  Finding themselves on death grounds with the series, nearly everyone at Intelligent System that has ever worked on a Fire Emblem game pour their heart, soul, guts, creativity, love, and focus into  Fire Emblem Awakening. They truly believe that Awakening was going to be the final Fire Emblem game in Nintendo’s (and gaming) history.

If Fire Emblem: Awakening was going to ultimately fail, at least  Intelligent System had the balls to try to revive the series everyone counted out with everything they had.  And as we all known (despite what the old-school autistic elitist assholes in the fandom may say), Fire Emblem: Awakening brought the series back to life: saving it from total death.

See how you can turn failure into victory?

We live in a world where failure is viewed as a bad thing. If you failed, you’re nothing (according to lowly people with their inflated egos who will never fix their own failures).  In Japan, failure is viewed in such a negative light that young school students have killed themselves from the shame of failure (may they failed a test, failed to get into an elite high school, etc.).

They would rather end their life than to face society (after failure).

The American school system have mentality wrecked children for decades; because teachers, parents, and the education system paint failing as the ultimate sin. Who knows how many children in America are suffering from mental health issues such as depression and anxiety because of how aggressive we are against failure?

Social media is now on a level where people will share your failures and humiliate you for it within seconds.  We would rather mock those on Facebook or Twitter for their mistake(s) than to encourage them to recover and give them advice on how to do better.  A screw up can easily be shared and display on the world’s stage without a second thought. It’s a shield to hide our own failures.

Why display your shame to the world where you can cover it with another man’s shame?

Society is not only fearful of failure – it uses it as a weapon.

But, you can’t be scared of failure.  I’m not saying you should go out in purposely fail; that’s foolish.   I am also not saying that some failures aren’t your fault; because your own stupidity and unchecked ego/pride can cause you to screw up. If you’re doing something that is outside the realm of logic, and your friends/family are telling you so, and you can’t prove them wrong, then don’t do it. Because that’s truly is failure.

You need to go into something knowing that there’s a high possibility that you will fail and that you need to bounce back from the failure.  Beating yourself up over failure won’t  get you to success. Having a defeatist attitude because you screw up won’t fix the screw ups.  People will use your past failures to mock you; in order for you to give up.  But, you can’t allow that. Try again until success.

As Sakura said to Junko and Ai in episode 2, and this is the closing statement:

“Quit coming up with excuses on why you can’t win. If you got even a little chance, try to do that then!”

      SELECTED RESOURCES:

[Alux.com] (Dec. 15th, 2018) How to overcome FAILURE and start from scratch? [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6PU5jQQBc

[Nino Brown] (Oct. 16th, 2019) Fail Your Way To  Success [Video File], Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO99GJwtsOk

[Alpha Male Strategies – AMS] (Oct 3rd, 2018) Why I Love Being A Failure [Video File]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58wu8k4CjnI

Grover, Tim. “#1. When You’re A Cleaner… …You don’t recognize failure; you know there’s more than one way to get what you want.” Relentless: From Good To Great To Unstoppable

          “There’s no better than adversity.  Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.” -Malcolm X Throughout her short seventeen years of life, Sakura Minamoto dealt with everlasting failures and setbacks that mentally wrecked her. 2,667 more words

[hopeymchope]

Random thoughts about bad/dumb/good things that happen in the back nine episodes of ‘Darling in the Franxx’

This post is long, and it’s mostly me griping about how Darling in the Franxx failed to stick its landing. I’ve got a lot of bullet points about what annoyed me, as well as some points about what I still liked in the back half, and eventually I’m just like “yeah, fuck this.”

That’s the short version: You had a lot going for you but ultimately blew it really bad for me, so like... fuck this.

Damn right Mitsu-WAIT, I forgot when Mitsuru had this much emotion! WHO DIS?!

The long version is more complicated, though, and I feel like rambling/ranting on, so here it goes.

There is no way to stress enough that Zero-Two literally transforms into a giant part-human part-mech creature that Hiro literally rides inside of. She becomes a skyscraper-sized girl that you can climb inside the skull of, and EVERYBODY IS OKAY WITH THIS AND DELIGHTED BY IT. There is NOT a moment where Zorome cries “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUUUUUUUUCK?!?” when she appears, flying in space, at a mass so large she could easily swallow the whole team in one gulp. Nothing like that.

This is not adequately set up, but it IS understandable with some thought: I mean, we are told in a previous ep that the franxx are essentially just recreated, retrofitted klaxosaurs. We also have seen how klaxosaurs are part-organic, part-mechanical beings, and we are told by the Klaxo Princess they are, in fact, the new version of the organic klaxosapiens, now retrofitted for war. In addition, we know that Zero-Two is part Klaxosaur - a clone of the last klaxosapien. So you see how the idea that Zero-Two could somehow “retrofit” or “transition” into a giant cybernetic war mode similar to how the klaxosapiens somehow did the same thing... you could justify that! Once I thought it all through, it kinda worked. But none of this is laid out for you, and it comes off as laugh-out-loud ridiculous in the moment that it happens. Only later, when my brain was piecing the evidence together, did I get somewhere that made sense out of it.

The Nines remained bitterly loyal to Papa when we last see them in Episode 20, snapping at Squad 13 for not showing due respect. When they return in Episode 23, Nine Alpha is suddenly on the side of Squad 13. Because Papa turned out to be an alien, you see. But like... you’ve been fighting klaxosaurs and feeling extreme loyalty to Papa your entire lives up until like, yesterday, so seeing you suddenly join the pro-klaxo side of the war is perhaps too hard a turn. Granted, a lot of time passes off-screen during this period, but still it’s sort of “Hey it’s me, Alpha. Remember how I was never anything but a total asshole to you guys? Remember how I hated emotions and shit? Yeah I wanna help Hiro reunite with Zero Two now.” Um. Okay?

Mitsuru’s speech to Kokoro about how “I want to be with you not because I love you, but because I believe that I did love you once, and I don’t remember that feeling anymore, but I still believe it existed, and I want to respect it!” is literally the worst, least-romantic declaration of non-love I’ve ever heard in my life. The music swells romantically and Kokoro seemingly weeps out of joy over it. I prefer to think she’s crying because it’s so fucking awful. It is actively offensive to real emotions and logic

Remember when Mitsuru talked about he always wished he and Hiro could co-pilot a franxx together? Remember his debilitating rage at Hiro for forgetting their promise to become soldiers together? It really feels like we had a gay or bi character here, and that maybe we were setting something up for his character. but the entire fixation on Hiro is utterly ignored once he gets reduced to “Kokoro’s sperm donor.” I mean, jeez, “my homosexual fixation on Hiro has filled me with an incoherent rage” just gave me flashbacks to Juzo from Danganronpa 3, and that’s not good, but at least it was more personality than he ultimately got.

WHY are we left with the strong sense that Ikuno is dying of the accelerated aging (she is the only one who loses ALL color in her hair and the only one we last see in a hospital bed on an IV drip, so it’s pretty blatant) even though literally no one else in the squad is suffering from it anymore, supposedly thanks to HER research?!... I assume because she’s gay. After all, the extremely gay Nines were all killed off by a mysterious ailment due to a lack of “maintenance” so we might as well kill off Ikuno too, right?! BURY YOUR GAYS. And FUCK YOU.

Goro somehow gets together with Ichigo. We do not get to see how/whether he won he over. Given that the final episode includes multiple scenes of her really missing Hiro along with a scene of her not caring much that Goro is going to travel the world without her (repeatedly), it comes off as though Itchy settled for Goro because he was the best available penis. I AM NOT ENDEARED.

We are also told that Goro has “really changed’ since the beginning of the series. There is no evidence to back this statement up. In fact, he is acting exactly the same in this scene as he always has. Granted, he had a moment in the previous episode where he got pissed and punched Hiro, and that was a big change... but he apologized and it’s not discussed again, so um. Huh. The thing that seems to be a sign of his “change” is his desire to go out alone into the world in an act of self-sacrifice for the good of everyone. Which is LITERALLY THE GORO WE’VE ALWAYS KNOWN. File his change under “informed attributes.”

By the end of the series, Hiro is full-on turning more into a Klaxosapien than a human because... honestly, I’m not sure. It’s possible it’s because he’s been “plugged into” Zero-Two, but it seems like the process is mostly done by then, because he’s immediately able to live without food or water or sleep once he plugs in, and he already had his horns glow with rage in the ep previous to this. So I think he transformed due to the fact that one time, as a kid, he licked Zero-Two’s blood, and as a teen, he’s kissed her a bunch of times. Which is... pretty goddamn extreme. I mean, I know fluid transfer can be a powerful experience — just ask Sandra Bullock — but this is some real next-level shit.

We waited all series for shit to “get real” and someone in Squad 13 to die. It takes until the very last episode for it to happen, and — in a desperate bid to make us care about what’s happening — it’s the two characters who got the most development and who most people care about. The two leads. Which comes off as too little, too late for me to even feel it, seeing as how they’re only vaguely human or relatable by this point. But I AM weirdly bitter that they kept alive everyone else, even the many people we didn’t give much of a shit about (Zorome? Miku?), so that none of the battles in the series EVER had to have real consequences for our heroes. I hate to sound bloodthirsty, and yet....

Hey, speaking of Zorome, remember how him being exposed to the “adult” in the first half of the show made her get sick? Remember how she was also immediately fascinated by and kind to him and it made you wonder how that would affect the other adults? None of this goes anywhere, because the adults all get spirited away as souls to be part of the VIRM hive-mind, so whatever, they’re gone now.

Why are these people all standing around a statue and screaming at the sky and praying? Most of them don’t even know who this girl was. This doesn’t come off as “moving” so much as a terrifying parable about religious fanaticism in cult groups. You see a group of people screaming and praying at idols you don’t understand, and gradually, more and more people just copy the behavior without understanding it. *shiver*

Was there EVER a hint that the adults watching over the squad were friggin’ IMMORTAL?! Because I don’t think there was. I’d need to go way back into earlier episodes to be sure, though.

It’s not that the ENTIRE back half of the show is awful, really. There are some legitimately excellent moments.

Good Stuff

Right when we first come back after episode 15′s big midway point in the story, the subtle way that Zero-Two discovering the gray hair on Miku’s head was handled - during a warm, lighthearted scene to boot - really made it hit home.

The overt anger and defiance of Hiro in the face of “Papa” and APE really made me like him even more. He had some great moments there, including possibly the greatest episode-ending dialogue when he declared just how fucking DONE they all are with their so-called “Papa.”

Zorome’s inability to fully embrace the idea that “Papa” could be so wrong and bad was another good touch.

The big “backstory” episode served to make me really care for Dr. Franxx in a surprise late-game twist. He goes from being a shadowy sinister presence to becoming one of the more sympathetic characters... right before getting killed shortly thereafter.

The big promise scene between Zero-Two and Hiro, where they swear to always come for each other... that one really pulled at my heart.

Also, Hiro’s dedication to caring for the ailing, zombie-like Zero-Two was both devastating and touching. It’s one of the final bits that actually hits any kind of emotion for me in the series.

I actually didn’t mind the alien twist with the VIRM very much like so damn many people did. APE was long portrayed as this unknowable higher power that was clearly hiding something while simultaneously enforcing a 1984-esque obedience and loyalty... and there’s only so many places to go with such a setup, honestly. Much more shocking, to me, is how little is done to build up to/justify the true origin of the klaxosaurs.

But, well, yeah. Like most, I wound up feeling like DitF had a couple of really excellent characters in the lead, and then proceeded to go nowhere worthwhile once it got them to finally be together. Ultimately, they didn’t even get to grow up or have real sex or face the new world. They just get shuffled off into weirdness and death so we can have a bigger cycle of disappointment.

This one has a lot of themes that feel unexplored, and maybe further analysis would make it all gel together more comprehensibly. There is definitely a lot of effort put into thematic hints and worldbuilding in the first half, some of it done in a subtle background way that recalls my favorite aspects of The Future Diary — a favorite anime of mine that ALSO admittedly fails to adequately explain some parts of the world it builds, but it keeps most of its logic intact and is so emotionally engaging that I ultimately went along for the ride and was willing to explore the background justifications and themes later in order to fully grasp that world.

In comparison, I don’t really want to put in the effort to glean the underlying details of DitF. It didn’t leave me feeling like the writers put in the work to keep me invested, so why would I?

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E2

It’s time for another installment of let me watch TV for you (LMWTV4U) where I watch TV shows so you don’t have to! Today I’ll be re-capping the latest ep of Game of Thrones, Season 7.

As always, spoiler alert! Also, reminder that I have a new feature called WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER or (WDTSEM?) to help us decipher those random scenes that seemingly serve no purpose. SO MUCH HAPPENED TONIGHT SO LET’S GO!!!!!

We start at Dragonstone where Khaleesi and co are still strategizin’

Khaleesi’s pals are trying to get her to attack QPC ASAP but she’s not really havin’ it. She proceeds to rip Sleevey a new a-hole for his lack of loyalty. If you’ll recall Sleevey is a schemer and is the one who basically brought together all of Khaleesi’s current crew but also was the one who sent assassins to kill Khaleesi back in season 1. She’s like will you be loyal 2 me? And he’s like sure...until I’m not anymore. And then you can kill me. And she’s like kewl good plan also will you lemme know if I’m doing a bad job as Kween and he’s like yep, sure.

Next, the red witch lady (who Bae sent away at the end of Season 6 because she burned alive this sweet bb gurl but also who brought him back from the dead) shows up on Khaleesi’s doorstep. Khaleesi is like hey what up I also speak the fanciest language and your religion is #trending back home and helping to keep people calm so… thanks. And the witch lady is like great, also FYI Bae is pretty fine and just got named “King of the North” thought you should know. Tyrion, who is like basically vice president, is like ya I remember Bae he was a kewl kid we met in Season 1. Obvi Khaleesi doesn’t know that Bae is her nephew yet but she’s like, well let’s invite him to hang out here but he’s got to #bowdownbitches to moi.

Later in the ep, we pop back by Dragonstone and Khaleesi is meeting with her peeps in the map room. Previously-traumatized Theon’s (PTT’s) sister is like we should launch our armies and dragons on Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) like right now please because she’s a shady bitch. And then the Sand Queen (she’s the one whose daughters are called the “Sand Snakes” and who stabbed her brother in law and took over down South last season) is like BTW I hate the Lannisters and my hubby got his head squeezed to death 2 seasons ago when he was defending YOUR honor, Tyrion and I’m not over it. And also Queen Makeunder’s (who got ‘sploded last season) grandma is there and she is like I miss my granddaughter and also you shouldn’t worry about burning up innocent people with dragons because QPC did it and now look at her!

Khaleesi is like I #respectmyelders but also, naw dawg. She decides PTT’s sis and Sand Queen will head down south and round up all of their troops together then they’ll attack QPC slowly because she can’t bring her Dothraki dudes and Unsullied troops over there it would be CHAOS. She does decide to send the unsullied troops to Tyrion’s hometown, Casterly Rock, to take that place over. Everyone is pretty on board with this plan except for Grandma so Khaleesi’s like DM- me, k? Khaleesi and grandma sit down and gma is like you should not trust Tyrion, this plan is dumb. Also, you ARE a dragon. And Khaleesi is like thnx for the inspo but.... I don’t wanna burn everyone up. 

Then, Khaleesi’s bestie/translator who is FLY AS HELL and has the coolest outfits and hairstyles, goes to talk to Greyworm, the leader of the unsullied army. These 2 have had the hots for eachother forever, so it’s no surprise when they FINALLY HOOKUP YAASSS GAGA! If you’ll recall the unsullied are all castrated as kids so he’s kinda embarrassed about his lack-of-package, but hottie translator is like NBD let’s do this. And so he, much like Jon Snow season 3, is like NBD lemme go down on you and she is LOVING IT. And it’s a great scene because we haven’t had nearly as much sensuality on GoT in the past few years and we needed it.

Let’s stop in Winterfell to check in on Bae and Sansa, shall we?

That letter that Khaleesi mailed to Bae has already arrived and Bae is like I know it’s legit because Tyrion put an inside joke in there that only he and I would get, OK? Sansa is like yep I was briefly married to Tyrion against both of our wills and he was v nice to me and treated me well. And No-Knuckles is there too and he’s like fire kills those ice zombies and dragons = fire and everyone is like sure but can we trust her?

Later in the ep, Bae gets the letter that his bestie, Sam, sent him in last week’s ep about how there’s heaps o’ dragonglass under dragonstone. Bae is like ok now that I’ve got these 2 very informative letters, I need to go see Khaleesi. All of his pals/ people loyal to him are like BAD IDEA, BAE don’t leave us we need you. And Sansa is like ya dude you can’t just leave and then no one’s in charge over here and he’s like LEAN IN GURL YOU DA KWEEN OF WINTERFELL. And she’s like I guess I never considered that but Ok, fine.

Then Bae stops by to visit their dad’s grave (well actually his uncle but he doesn’t know yet) and Littlefinger comes creepin’ around like hey remember how your stepmom was always mean to you? I was in love with her! And Bae’s like GTFO. And Littlefinger is like #you’rewelcome #dwaynetherockjohnsoninmoana  for helping you win this place back last season. And Bae is like don’t touch Sansa, k?

WDTSEM? We’re supposed to think Sansa might just take Littlefinger’s advice and do some sort of plot to take over from Bae, especially now that they’re fighting on the regs and now she’s all in charge. Personally, I think Sansa is smarter than that and also she’s made it quite clear that she’s grossed out by Littlefinger, esp his obsession with her mom. WHO KNOWS what will happen, but this last scene is probably supposed to plant some seeds of doubt.

We briefly touch base in King’s Landing with QPC…

She’s sitting on the coveted throne-of-swords and telling people how awful Khaleesi is. She’s like ya…. She’s gonna burn y’all up with her dragons. And everyone is like but remember last season when you burned up half of this city? Sam’s dad is there and he was a major dick last season and nothing seems to have changed in that department. QPC’s bro/lover, Jamie, is like will you please fight for us? And he’s like I would but I promised that grandma (who is currently #teamKhaleesi) that I’d be loyal to her so… no. But Jamie is like well if you change your mind I can put you in charge and you can forget about grandma. He doesn’t seem convinced but we’ll see.

Later in the ep, QPC checks out some dragon skulls with the “maester” because now that Khaleesi has these dragons, she’s gotta figure something out. He shows her this giant crossbow/catapult thing he’s made that can kill dragons and she’s like wow kewl.

We also briefly check in with Sam in “Old Town”

He’s still interning at the maester-training-academy and he’s treating Khaleesi’s former bestie, Stoney, who has that terrible skin-turning-to-stone disease. Sam’s boss is like sorry, Stoney, you’re done-zo, you have to go live with the stonemen. And Sam is like hold up, you’re a Mormont? My old boss when I was in the celibate-dude-ice-wall-guarding-army was your dad and he was a badass. Also, I had to watch these creepy dudes stab him so I owe your fam. He tries to talk about cures for the Stone disease but his boss is like SHUT UP YOU’RE JUST AN INTERN!

So Sam comes back that night and is like ok would it be kewl with you if I perform surgery on you, Stoney? I am just an intern and I’ve never practiced this before but let’s try it. And then we have to watch a truly disgusting surgical-removal of stone-skin that honestly even writing about it I’m dry heaving.

Arya is still on the road, headed to kill QPC last we checked…

She stops in to this pub to see an old friend name HOT PIE (that’s his real name, not a nickname) who is a wonderful chef. She eats some of his bread and drinks some beer and he keeps asking her questions but she is REALLY EVASIVE and won’t look him in the eye. He asks about Ladyknight, who we know is now working for Sansa full time, but who previously was trying to find Arya too. Arya is like, ya, she found me but then I had to head east to the face-swapping-assassin-training-academy. And he’s like you should check out Winterfell because I know you’re secretly a Stark. And she’s like NO THANKS, the Boltons are in charge over there and I don’t wanna get skinned alive. And he’s like NAW BITCH your bro, Bae, is in charge over there now. Which I guess in all of her travels she still didn’t know this? IDK seems fishy. But then she’s getting ready to leave and is about to keep heading to kill QPC but then CHANGES HER MIND AND HEADS TOWARD WINTERFELL! It was a very sweet moment in the episode and full disclosure I did tear up a little.

WDTSEM? Arya, in her current life as an assassin, has lost some of her humanity, as shown when she can’t even look her old pal in the eye. But finding out that her bro is still alive and that her old home, Winterfell, is in the Starks’ hands again has changed her. After meeting Ed Sheeran last week and his whole crew who reminded her of the importance of home and being with family, she’s finally deciding there are more important things in life than revenge. Which is kind of sweet.

Later, she stops for the night and is trying to stay warm by a fire when her horse starts gettin’ real spooked. Suddenly a pack of giant wolves (which are totally her brand because #stark) surrounds her, and she realizes one of them is her old pet who she set free back in season 1. She’s like hey.... Remember me… we were friends? And the wolf is like ummm… new phone who dis? And she’s like please come with me, I’m headed home. But the wolf is like sorz, can’t. And she says “that’s not you.” IDK if she means this is literally not her old pet or if she’s saying this feral version of you with a pack of wolves is not the wolf I knew. It doesn’t take a TV genius to figure out wolf = Arya and she’s conflicted between her new “feral side” and her old, daughter of a Stark side.

Our last scene is A DOOZY and it takes place on the high seas…

PTT and his sis are headed south with the Sand Queen (SQ) lady per Khaleesi’s instructions. We get a quick scene with her daughters, the Sand Snakes, just to remind us they’re all badasses and then we check in on SQ, PTT and his sis. SQ is like why do you keep your bro around he’s always acting all previously-traumatized. And his sis is like he protects me, but SQ is like you don’t need protection… and she and the sis start touching each other. PTT is like that’s my cue to leave, but just as some hawt SQ on PTT-sis action is about to go down, their ship is under attack. PTT and sis head upstairs and it turns out their crazy Uncle has come to find them! 

He sets all of their ships on fire and is tearing through all of their armies. The Sand Snakes put up a fight but sadly are taken out one-by-one. SQ is captured and is like, please kill me, but they do not. Then PTT’s sis and uncle go head to head. PTT’s sis is a major badass but uncle crazy-pants has craziness on his side and also captures her. He’s holding her hostage, about to cut her throat, so PTT is like ummmmmm….idk what to do. He’s clearly having some serious PTSD, so rather than make any decision, he jumps off the boat. His sis seems v v disappointed because she was literally just bragging about how he can protect her. He survives but is last seen floating sadly, watching all of their ships burn and his sis get taken away…

WDTSEM? Remember last week when uncle crazy-pants came to see QPC and bragged about having 2 hands? Well he promised to bring her a gift, and while my initial guess that it would be some sort of dragon-horn was probably off, it seems like the gift he’s bringing are these hostages. He now has the Sand Queen and PTT’s sis, both of whom are v powerful players. Having them to bargain with will be very helpful for QPC, assuming that’s the plan.

Final thoughts:

This ep was actually pretty great, minus the disgusting amateur surgery scenes! The fight scene at the end clearly had a huge budget and it showed- the fiery sparks throughout the entire scene were so cool and we’ve never seen much fighting-at-sea (with ships v. ships instead of ships v. land). The CGI people really did a bang up job if you ask me! #nerdalert

Biggest surprise this ep: I did NOT see that whole attack at the end coming! Also, everything is happening so fast! Everyone is learning about everyone else so quickly. I feel like in past seasons it would have taken us 2 eps at least to get something in the mail but now the mail’s coming 2-3 times an ep!

Biggest letdown:I was hoping, based on the preview, that Bae would really come for Littlefinger and squeeze him real good, but he was pretty gentle. Shoulda known because Bae is not one to strangle willy-nilly but DAMN I am sick of listening to Littlefinger.

Important fashion moments: Khaleesi’s shiny black get up was pretty great and I’m coming around to Sansa’s weird chain necklace.

Who died this ep? The Sand Snakes (RIP) and a bunch of Iron-Islanders (PTT’s people) and probably some Dornish people too (SQ’s people)

Thanks for reading, tell your friends! Check in next week! 

[the-connection]

We all have that friend who, no matter how great a film is, will always say the book is better. And the worst part is that they're almost always right, the jerks. Well, the next time they open their bookish little mouths, here are some examples you can use to shut them right up. Some books contained scenes so nonsensical, stupid, or dong-filled that filmmakers didn't even try to put them in their adaptations. And speaking of dong-filled, let's start right off with ...

5

Forrest Gump Left Out His Gigantic Monster Penis

In the movie version of Forrest Gump, we follow a simple-minded but superhumanly capable man as he aw-shuckses through some of the most important events in American history. Whether it's showing Elvis how to dance, rewriting the Civil Rights Movement, or investing heavily in a company guilty of crimes against humanity, Gump unwittingly guides the course of the 20th century. Looking back, the movie is still a bit strange ... but the book was downright insane.

You're probably asking, "Didn't a woman take sexual advantage of a mentally challenged man to trick him into raising another guy's baby before she died of AIDS in that movie? What was in that book that they had to leave out?"

Paramount Pictures"Hump, Forrest, hump!"

We're glad you asked!

In the book, Forrest and Jenny still got after it all night, but this version was very, very clear about two very, very strange points: First, that Forrest has an enormous penis. Second, that Jenny loves to talk dirty. Now, remember that the novel is told in the first person, and Forrest no talk good. So now that you're all set up, here's a sentence no one ever expected to type: Please enjoy a graphic passage from the erotic memoirs of Forrest Gump.

Paramount Pictures"You like magazines? I wrote to a magazine once ..."

When we get home, Jenny begun takin off her clothes. She is down to her underpants, an I am jus settin on the couch tryin not to notice, but she come up an stand in front of me an she say, "Forrest, I want you to fuck me now."

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You could knocked me over with a feather! I jus set there an gawked at her. Then she set down nex to me an started foolin with my britches, an nex thing I knowed, she'd got off my shirt an was huggin an kissin me an all. At first, it was jus a little odd, her doin all that. Course I had dreamed bout it all along, but I had not expected it quite this way. But then, well I guess something came over me, an it didn't matter what I'd expected, cause we was rollin aroun on the couch an had our clothes nearly off an then Jenny pulled down my undershorts an her eyes get big an she say, "Whooo -- lookit what you got there!" an she grapped me jus like Miz French had that day, but Jenny never say nothin about me keepin my eyes closed, so I didn't.

The scene goes on to include all the sexual positions they try: Jenny shown me shit I never could of figgered out on my own ... sideways, crosswise, upside down, bottomwise, lengthwise, dogwise, standin up, setting down, bending over, leanin back, inside-out and outside-in.

Paramount PicturesIt's basically a porn parody of the scene of Bubba listing shrimp recipes.

The point is, he and his notably large dick wore that ass out. If the novel was faithfully adapted, Forrest Gump would have been nine hours long and inspired a tense public debate on how many yards of penis should be allowed in a PG-13 movie.

4

The Comic Version of Thor: Ragnarok Is Seriously Messed Up

In Thor: Ragnarok, Thor and Loki work together to fight Odin's firstborn daughter, Hela, the Goddess of Death. She has spike-throwing powers and a giant wolf, and nobody in Asgard stands the slightest chance against her. Characters die before you can even figure out who they were supposed to be, and Thor ends up on a garbage dump planet run ruled by Jeff Goldblum, who turns him into a slave gladiator and makes him fight Conan Hulk.

Marvel StudiosIt's pretty awesome.

The movie is based on the Thor: Ragnarok comic book series, and it made a few notable changes from the source material. For instance, in the movie, Thor loses his eye in a fight. In the comics, he tears it out of his own damn head. Comic book nerds and people who still worship the Norse gods (thanks for reading, Bjerkman the Unbroken!) might recognize this move. His father, Odin, did the same thing ages ago when he traded his eye for knowledge. That's why Thor goes the extra step and yanks out both his eyes.

Marvel Comics

Marvel Comics"Bah! You ask for but one eye? Thor doth double down!"

And somehow, this gets both weirder and darker. After he willfully blinds himself, Thor commits suicide by hanging himself from Yggdrasil, the World Tree.

Marvel Comics"The Odinson found this part a bit too dark for a tentpole blockbuster!"

In the movie, Thor has to deal with his brother Loki's constant betrayals and tricks by staying one step ahead of him. In the comic, Thor just tears Loki's goddamn head off and ties it to his belt.

Marvel ComicsHe was renamed God of Conditioner after his ponytail proved to be stronger than his neck.

There are some big decisions that have to be made at the end of Thor: Ragnarok, but they're nothing compared to what Thor's faced with in the comic version. He doesn't summon some puny fire god to destroy one realm -- he shatters Yggdrasil to destroy every realm. So yes, in the movie, Thor blows up a lot of homes. But in the comic, he murders e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.

In the end, we can all agree that "Let's add Conan Hulk" was a good note, but "Let's do a rewrite on the Thor genocide scene" was a great note. It would be seriously tough to talk parents into taking their kids to a movie wherein the hero pulls his own eyes out, kills himself, and then kills every being in the universe while wearing his brother's severed, screaming head on his belt. Or maybe not, because isn't that the plot to Cars 3?

3

The Stardust Movie Leaves Out the Gruesome Unicorn Mutilation

Stardust tells the story of Tristan Thorn, a young man who crosses the titular wall of his hometown of Wall to enter the land of Faerie so he can bring back a fallen star to win the heart of a girl. We know, it sounds like a sarcastic example from a How to Write Young Adult Fantasy for Beginners textbook, but it was turned into a real movie. Starring Robert DeNiro!

It turns out that the fallen star is actually a woman (Yvain, played by Clare Danes) who hurt her leg when she fell to Earth. Tristan has no idea how he's going to get a crippled, woman-shaped star back to his walled village of Wall until a unicorn randomly turns up to help! Haha, for real!

Paramount PicturesThe original title was Lisa Frank Origins.

The pair eventually encounters the witch Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who wants to kill them both. The unicorn helps them escape by head-butting Billy, a goat in the shape of a man, so hard that he turns back into a goat. Then the witch starts a fire and we never see the unicorn again ... in the movie.

Paramount Pictures"GOAT GTFO!"

The book has a bit more to tell us about that unicorn's fate. In the novel, it doesn't just take on Billy -- it fights the witch as well. And while it gets a few good shots in, the unicorn loses about as hard as anything has ever lost anything. First the witch jams a knife into the unicorn's brain through its eye. Then ...

The beast dropped to the wooden floor of the inn, blood dripping from its side and from its eye and from its open mouth. First it fell to its knees, and then it collapsed, utterly, as the life fled. Its tongue was piebald and it protruded most pathetically from the unicorn's dead mouth.

Think that's a bit much? We're not done yet. The witch needs the unicorn's corpse to move, so she spits her blood into its mouth, and this animates it. Whatever, that's the witch equivalent of a forklift. Later, she saws its goddamn head off.

Paramount Pictures"No reason for that part. Just for fun."

Half-blind, the dead unicorn stumbled toward the green rock needle until it reached a depression at its base, where it dropped to the knees of its forelegs in a ghastly parody of prayer.

The witch-queen reached down and pulled her knife from out of the beast's eye-socket. She sliced across its throat. Blood started to ooze, too slowly, from the gash she had made. She walked back to the carriage and returned with her cleaver. Then she began to hack at the unicorn's neck, until she had separated it from the body, and the severed head tumbled into the rock hollow, now filling with a dark red puddle of brackish blood.

Jesus Christ. People who grew up watching The NeverEnding Story had their childhoods haunted by a horse sinking into the Swamp of Sadness. Can you imagine growing up in a world in which your favorite fantasy movie slowly carved the head off a defiled unicorn-zombie?

2

In The Book Version Of The Rescuers, The Villain Kills So, So Many Orphaned Girls

Disney's The Rescuers follows the adventures of two mice who work for the Rescue Aid Society, Miss Bianca and her loyal companion Bernard. In the film, an orphan named Penny is kidnapped by an alligator-loving hellbeast named Madame Medusa, who needs Penny in order to find the Devil's Eye, the world's largest diamond.

Those are some crazy characters, some genuine peril, and two ball-shrinkingly terrifying alligators. Luckily, Penny is the only orphan kidnapped, and she survives.

In the movie.

The original novel is called Miss Bianca, and is the second book in Margery Sharp's Miss Bianca series. In the book, the villain is the dreaded Duchess, who doesn't need any orphan girl (named Patience here, not Penny) to find her a famous diamond, because she lives in a castle made of them.

Little Brown & Co.It's arguably too many diamonds.

No, the only reason the Duchess wants an orphan girl is to torture her. She beats Patience with a diamond-studded cane "just to hear her cry out." She starves and tortures her: "[The Duchess'] big knuckles ground cruelly against Patience's collar bone, the long fingers almost met in the child's emaciated, shrinking flesh." Hell, the kid doesn't even have a toothbrush -- "she just dipped a torn old rag into a cold jar of water." Life sucks for Patience. But it was way worse for the other orphans. Yes, there were other orphans. Emphasis on were.

Patience is not the first orphan girl the Duchess has kidnapped; she's simply the only one to survive long enough to be in the book. "Patience was the last of a series, all the others having died young."

You might be wondering what the Duchess in this children's book about a talking mouse did with all those dead little girls. Well, as the story unfolds, Miss Bianca encounters two bloodhounds named Torture and Torment, who talk about all the girls they hunted. At the end of the conversation, she realizes that the seat they previously offered her was "a very small shin bone -- gnawed."

Little Brown & Co.One thing's for sure: It's more dead orphan girl shinbones than the children's book illustrator expected to draw that day.

It's not ambiguous. When Patience escapes, we're told "the Duchess had faced the same situation before. As the little shin bone bore witness." There are no subtle hints in this book. It is made extremely clear that the Duchess had her hounds chase down and eat a bunch of orphan girls alive before the Rescue Aid Society ever heard about Patience.

Suddenly those scary cartoon alligators don't seem so bad.

1

Chris Gardner's The Pursuit Of Happyness Is Full Of Rape And Murder

The Pursuit Of Happyness sees Will Smith playing Chris Gardner, the ultimate wholesome dad in the ultimate wholesome family film (give or take some hobo urine) about the pursuit of the American Dream. Based on Gardner's memoir of the same name, the movie shows how he looks after his only son while homeless in San Francisco, sleeping in shelters and public bathrooms, all the while working for a Wall Street firm without pay, hoping to win a lucrative banking job.

There are a lot of hard knocks along the way, but he ultimately wins at life and goes on to become a millionaire. The book wasn't quite as family friendly.

A lot of the memoir is occupied by Gardner's relationship with his abusive stepfather ... and Gardner's attempts to kill him. Gardner tries to poison him, and fantasizes constantly about shooting or bludgeoning the man to death. He even pushes a refrigerator down the stairs on top of him. Here he is bragging about the precision of this murder scheme:

In perfect timing, I missed a step, on purpose, and let the refrigerator go. A priceless look of confusion and horror came over his face, and like a work of art, the next thing I knew Freddie had a refrigerator on his chest and they were both tumbling down the steps.

It seems like a gruesome thing to actively try to murder his stepfather, but to be fair, the stepfather sucks. He almost kills Chris' mother multiple times, even chasing her into a store with a shotgun at one point. The closest he gets to ending her life is with a two-by-four, "bashing it into the back of her skull with such a force that the wood splintered into her skin, sticking into her, spewing blood not just underneath her but everywhere in the room."

Columbia PicturesIt's a fun read.

Chris eventually gets out of there without committing murder, but things do not get any less horrible. At one point, he talks about one unhappy mark returning from a hustle gone wrong. And we mean very, very wrong.

But even if I can't track time, I remember every detail of what happens, from the second he pulls a knife to my throat, forces me on my back, pulls down my pants, puts his dick between my legs, to registering the confused horror of my dick getting hard from stimulation, to the true horror of him hoisting me into position so he can fuck me in the ass, right on the living room floor. Every grunt, every breath. His smell overwhelms. Funky. Rancid even, inhuman. White hot pain. Cold hard linoleum.

Luckily, the story doesn't end there. Because Gardner gets his revenge three years (and 11 pages) later, when he waits outside a bar for his rapist to exit and beats him to death with a cinder block!

"Oh shit," he said, not even finishing the statement before I crowned him with the cinder block, bearing down with all my strength on the top of his head.

At first, he didn't fall, but he faltered. After more pounding, he finally crumpled to the sidewalk, and I threw the brick down, left it right there, and walked away. Didn't look back, didn't run. Right or wrong, I silently said the last words that I'd ever think about him -- Got your motherfucking ass.

So to be clear, someone was reading this book and thought, "This would make an excellent, uplifting family film! Starring the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!"

Not gonna spoil anything, but IT (based on the book by Stephen King) did a pretty good job editing the book into a script too.

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