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My favorite gif. For any occasion.  C̶o̶n̶n̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶D̶e̶s̶t̶r̶o̶y̶e̶r̶'̶s̶ Pete Campbell’s expression and delivery are perfect.

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Stranger Things 3 Trailer

 How long has it been since Stranger Things 2 came out? Halloween 2017. I mean, that’s, like, forever ago. Since then, there has been a Royal Wedding and babeh--

--Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande broke up and because I am Deaf Chick it was the first time I gave a shit--

--Ron Burgundy got a podcast--

--Kanye West visited the White House and basically had us all wondering WTF--

--and, most importantly for fandom, Eliza Taylor and Bob Morley surprised everyone by announcing that they’d been secretly dating and married a few weeks ago. Bestill my Bellarke-shipping heart.

(BT-Dubbs, Bob is a Bellarke fan, it’s confirmed by a fan he ran into in Paris and now we know why, are you there, Jason Rothenberg? It’s us, The 100 fandom)

So yeah, a lot of stuff has occurred in popular culture between the last batch of Stranger Things eps and this one. I understand the PTB at ST had to fine-tune the episodes to make them as awesome as possible, but come on, man! We waited forever for the last season of GoT too. 

Hopefully, this will turn out less...well, less. 

In the meantime, Netflix has been releasing trailers of ST 3 in order to appease us. In waiting (anxiously), I’ve capped the latest trailer out of homework procrastination. 

It starts off with a helicopter shot of a fair--a strictly ‘Merican fair. This is Indiana, after all.

We also see that the fair is brought to you by Mayor Kline, who is being played by 80s heartthrob, Cary “As You Wish” Elwes. Stranger Things enjoys casting 80s icons in supporting roles. See Sean Astin as the dearly departed Bob Newby. 

Elwes, as everyone, everyone, knows, is best known for his role as Westley in The Princess Bride. Aka, Hot Blond Zorro. 

He has said that his role in ST is a “smarmy one” and that is not hard to believe, since he is playing a politician in a flyover state. Oh, in a town that also houses another dimension. 

Next, we have some of our favorites--including the newly employed Nancy and Steve, Steve’s buddy, Dustin, and Lucas’ sister, Erica (the actress of whom was recently promoted to series regular because she was so awesome last season)--staring out of a door at the newly built Starcourt Mall at..something. Ominously. 

We know that the mall will play an integral role this season (that is how you know this is strictly an 80s show; “Amazon” is only a river in South America as of now) and we also know, according to the first trailer released, that Steve and Nancy got jobs working at Scoop’s Ahoy in the caf. So of course they look like the saddest of sailors. 

Next shot, we get the kids staring at Eleven gravely while she sits there blindfolded with a dribble of blood dripping from her nose. Also dressed very 80s in a loudly printed yellow and black t-shirt.

Oh and it looks like the Mind Flayer’s back. Can’t keep a Flayer down.

Over the next scene, a flashback to the season two finale, Eleven commiserates that “it” doesn’t make sense, as she closed the gate. So what exactly is this “it”? We know it is not IT. That would be a crossover Netflix is not willing to pay for.

We’re shown a second of the group standing over the town, which is a shot vaguely reminiscent of the hill scene in the Buffy season 3 episode, “Amends”. Yes, I know all the names of the episodes. Don’t judge me.

Yet another Buffy/Angel scene I can’t watch without crying like an infant. I’ve seen them all a million times and yet...

In a close-up on Will’s stricken face, he wonders if “he” never left, meaning the Mind Flayer. Will grips onto the side of his neck, which can only mean one thing. In my mind.

Oh, pretty please with Bloody Sundae on top?

There are lots of rats. And not how my dad used to call my guinea pigs rats. I mean rats-rats. They are having a rat relay race.

Turns out, they’re running to Billy, which makes quite a lot of sense when you think about it. A bunch of rats running toward King Rat.

I included this shot because it looks badass.

So we know that this season is indeed occurring during the summertime, there is a shot of poor Eleven in her circumspect shirt gawping at a very circumspect sky.

Errrrrrrybody in Hawkins is exercising his and her right to bare arms. Even Lucas sitting in a Burger King is weaponized. The citizens of Hawkins are no longer ignorant, people! Vengeance is a-comin’!

In addition to Mind-y the Will Flayer still hangin’ around, so, too, does it look like the Demogorgon is back! Aw, welcome back, Gorgy. We missed ya.

We are shown glimpses of the kids and adults looking terrified in front of various mall stores, like JC Penny. Some trees, I guess. And Mayor As You Wish.

There is apparently a Tilt-A-Whirl or something like it at the fair and I am jealous. That is my favorite ride.

We are also given the pleasure of a glimpse of Mike and Eleven. What is their shipper name> Meleven? Elke? 

Awww, young love amidst terror and confusion and weirdness. It’s adorable.

I still prefer Lucas and Max, tho. I love them! And I love how Max basically told her racist brother to go fuck himself and hooked up with Lucas anyway. 

Hopper appeals to his new daughter about not going around risking her neck some more, pretty please don’t give me a heart attack.

A stubborn teenage girl who has telekinetic powers! Oh, and now she’s dating. Wait til she’s sixteen. She won’t have to sneak out the window. She’ll just break that shit with her mind.

Next shot is of Steve in his Scoops Ahoy uniform and Dustin handling a...well, this.

It’s goo. It’s green goo. In a container of sorts. 

Uh, yeah. Buffy has taught me that green goo is never a good thing.

There’s some weird guy in a gas mask, a mysteeeeeeeeeeeeerrrious machine that shoots out a thick beam of light, and lots of helicopters.

I give you Pearl Harbor. 

There’s a car that looks rather DeLorean-ish (lol, 80s), Eleven gazes earnestly into Mike’s eyes wearing that ridiculous shirt--

Yeah, those two are not headed for the normal couple plateaus, methinks. I cannot see Mike fighting with Eleven over who gets dominance over the remote.

In the next scene, the group, led by an irate-looking Eleven, appears determined. I think they are in the school. Maybe Hawkins Middle, or perhaps the high school they are destined for.

Just say NO.

A gross Upside Down appears to be about to make someone a meal. And not in the GrubHub kind of way.

There ya go. You’re welcome.

After a split second of Eleven doing her thing in that horrible top again--oh, 80s fashions!--we are offered another glimpse of that mysterious weapon, now fully constructed.

Yeah, you never hire people to guard innocuous shit. I never hired anyone to guard my washing machine, for instance. Although maybe I should, since I keep falling into it #ShortPeopleProblems.

Next, we have all our heroes looking mighty afraid and uncertain whilst standing in the middle of the fabulous new Starcourt Mall. 

Pray for us sinners now in the hour of our Demogorgon, amen. 

We see Lucas an some other kids cowering behind a convertible that has seen better days. I am imagining a giant foot roughed that thing up a bit.

Or maybe Jurassic Park. 

That car looks familiar, make, model, and color. I think my dad had the same one. The last few years, it looked quite like that, indeed.

An abandoned walkie-talkie helpfully informs us that “this” is a code red. Whatever “this” is, it is surely freaking the kids out.

Srs question: Is Hawkins on a Hellmouth?

And then, finally...

Chyeah, if July 4 could get here soon that would be great. 

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I CANNOT WATCH “I WILL REMEMBER YOU” WITHOUT SOBBING I CANNOT

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Uh, holy shit!

One of my ships just got married! IRL! Apparently, Bob Morley and Eliza Taylor have been secretly dating. No idea. NONE. Holy simoleons!

Beliza finally giving us Bellarke for realsies!

You guys completely shocked us. Congrats, Beliza!

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My uncle was one of these. A paratrooper of the 82nd Airborne, he dropped behind enemy lines to secure key points hours before the invasion and basically fuck things up for the enemy. He survived to fight in the Battles of Arnhem and the Bulge until he was wounded by shrapnel and had his leg nearly cut off just before entering Germany and thus was sent home. He died in 1984, 3 years before I was born, so I never met him, but I read the love letters he frequently wrote to my great-aunt Idy. All of them started with “My darling”. They were married for nearly forty years. These men were real heroes.

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Kit Harrington’s reaction to Jon killing Dany is all of us

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Y’all gotta watch this. This guy’s ideas are SO much better than what we got

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I Ship It

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Game of Thrones 8.6 “The Iron Throne”

Well, our watch is over. 

I don’t know how to feel, considering this entire season was very up and down and all over the place. Not to mention extremely whiplash-inducing. From Jaime’s whole show arc meaning zip to Daenerys’ roller coaster descent into the “Burn It All” Mad Queen to Cersei’s boring death, season 8 as a whole was NOT GREAT, BOB.

There were a few decent moments in the finale though. Sansa was crowned Queen in the North, so that was awesome. Drogon’s “but mama, wake up!” moment broke my damn heart. Ghost finally got his good boi snuggles. 

But overall? Yeesh.

‘Kay, let’s try not to boo and hiss when the “Executive produced and written by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss” credit flashes across the screen.

Try.

As the finale opens, Tyrion is seen wandering through the desecrated streets of King’s Landing, dumbfounded that the Queen he (and many of us) believed in actually did this crap.

He separates from the others while Jon, Davos, and Co. locate Grey Worm about to commit some post-surrender slaughter of some Lannister army soldiers, in the name of the new Queen. Davos suggests he and Jon go speak with Dany while Grey Worm continues his slaughterin’. 

If there is one thing you can say for Torgo Nudho, it’s that he’s fiercely loyal.

Tyrion meanders to the crumbling remains of the Red Keep, heads right for the basement, presumably with his fingers and toesies crossed, and realizes the escape to the beachhead where he’d stored his little dinghy is blocked by a rock wall. So he heads to one of the few piles of bricks on the floor and lo and behold--

Really, Cersei and Jaime look more like they are in the middle of a good nap. And there aren’t that many brick piles on the floor. Like they could’ve moved somewhere else in the basement and avoided dying but yanno, plot. 

Arya’s picking through the fire-lined streets of King’s Queen’s Landing until she eventually comes to the town square...place. The Redkeepplatz? Der Rotenwohnturmplatz? Where she spies some jubilant Dothraki playing with their horsies. They won, they’re feeling (temporarily) awesome.

Of course, GoT is legally contracted to never go more than a scene or two without featuring the brooding face of Jon Snow, which it does, as he climbs up the stairs leading to Der Roten Wohnturm. Naturally, the gold and red lion banners of the Lannisters have been removed (and likely thrown into a corner somewhere for the Dothraki horses to poop on) and in their place is one big Targaryen one.

Rather reminiscent of a dog pissing on a fire hydrant, is it not?

So Brooding Jon and his wolfhead cane (I am still pissed that he didn’t beat off any errant Dead with it, I must say) climb up the steps under Grey Worm’s disapproving eye--remember, Jon has been kinda against slaughterin’ Lannister soldiers who already surrendered to which Grey Worm is all *Pikachu gasp face*--to meet his Queen/sort of girlfriend/aunt, who makes her grand entrance like this:

Fabulous, dahlink! Dany is like a catwalk walker at a high-high-fashion Milan event. In fact, if Versace or John Paul doesn’t hire Emilia Clarke to recreate just this moment for the next Fashion Week (yanno, the one at Milan or Paris or New York, not at, like, Tallahassee Fashion Week), I will not buy any more of their products. Not that I could before.

No, she didn’t paste dragon wings to her back. It’s just Drogon. But the shot sure looks cool!

Daenerys catwalks out to her adoring public--quite a lot of adoring public.

Srsly. I thought from the glimpse of trailer that all those soldiers were, idk, surrendered Lannister Army who’d sworn fealty or something. Weren’t most of her forces annihilated during the Battle of Winterfell? There were certainly not this many after Drogon Dracarysed the crap out of the K.L. gates and they burst into the city walls. 

There is raucous cheering and whooping...from the Dothraki. The Unsullied just sort of stand there and bang their poles against the ground because they are boring. 

Dany gives a rousing speech about the Dothraki being the blood of her blood, they kept all her promises to her, defeated her enemies, blah blah, and Drogon roars as if it is a football game. 

She makes Grey Worm her Master of War, which he kinda was all this time, just now it’s official. I guess he gets better pay now.

Dany switches tongues and addresses the Unsullied in High Valyrian. The Dothraki are there like “Dafuq is she talking about?” Just as the Unsullied were before. She calls them “liberators”.

Audience:

You should really stop using that word, Dany. English teachers would red-pen all over this essay.

Dany continues in her exuberant High Valyrian that they will not stop until every man, woman, and child in the world, from Winterfell to Dorne and Lannisport to Qarth, has experienced her flavor of “mercy”.

Arya’s in the back watching like--

Is it me or is this victory speech rather...”Hitler giving a rousing oration at a Nazi rally” esque?

Arya may not be loving this but the Unsullied, with their *tap tap* and the Dothraki excitedly raising their Arakhs and Scimitars in glee, sure do. Tho idk exactly what has the Dothraki so riled up. Dany’s still speaking High Valyrian; they have no idea what she’s saying.

Tyrion is not happy with Dany either. Probably because she killed his brother and burned a shitload of people. He walks up to her as she winds up her Hitlerish speech and she looks at him with some of that ice borrowed from the North. In English, she accuses him of committing treason for freeing Jaime. He in turn meets her gaze and throws away his Hand to the Queen pin.

Dany orders Tyrion taken away, presumably to be Dracarysed. And Jon is watching all this happening like this:

We’ve all done it, don’t lie. “I know he has a swastika tattoo on his face but he’s only a Nazi on the weekends!”

Dany meets his gaze silently telling him to “respect mah authoritah”--

--and she walks away with Unsullied flanking her. I am not sure where to. Half of the Red Keep is in ruins. 

As Jon watches, Arya appears beside him like a ghost. He asks her what she is doing here and what happened and the audience goes in tandem--

What do you think happened, Jon?! Your girlfriend torched the city. Arya’s there in the city. You think she magically poofed there covered in dirt?

You still know nothing, Jon Snow.

Arya confesses that she came to kill Cersei, who of course died the most boring and undeserving death. Her presence right now is solely to remind Jon that Dany knows his true name and heritage and because of that he will always be a threat to her. 

Jon goes to visit Tyrion in isolation--handing over his cane, which for a second I thought was an umbrella; I now think every Great House should have a House Umbrella--and the first thing he asks is thus:

Tyrion is disappoint but thanks Jon for coming to see him anyway. It is ironic, he pontificates. He is the one who told Dany of Varys’ treasonous acts and now he’s getting the Drac for the same thing. Well now Varys’ ashes can say “I told you so”. He then asks Jon if there is life after death. Cus, you know, Jon would know. But Jon does not remember any. Tyrion is relieved. Oblivion is all he can hope for after choking Shae, shooting Daddy Tywin with a crossbow, and betraying Dany. 

And he is prettttttttyyyy sure the war ain’t over. Dany will go on “liberating” until everyone is “free”--and of course by “free” I mean either loyal or barbecued. 

Jon is checked in at Justification Station:

Tyrion asks him if he would’ve done it. After all, he’d been on the dragon’s back before. Jon stutters that he doesn’t know but Tyrion, and all of us, know he would not have. Tyrion is probably speaking to the same portion of the audience who loves Dany when he bites out that “Everywhere she goes, evil men die and we cheer her for it” and that portion, of which I count myself, reply--

Why wouldn’t we? When she Dracarysed those assholes at Astapor, I fistpumped like Pauly D. 

Jon slumps down on a nearby stool. “Love is the death of duty” Maester Aemon said long ago. But, Tyrion posits, maybe duty is the death of love. Jon always tried to do the right thing by the people. Who is the biggest threat to the people now?

Tyrion knows that he’s asking Jon to do a horrible thing, but it’s the right thing. After all, Jon is the most dangerous person in the world to her, being the rightful heir. Alas, Jon stutters that it’s Dany’s decision as Queen, I guess whether to kill him or not, tells Tyrion he’s sorry he’s gon’ be Dracarysed, and is about to leave when Tyrion tries one last ditch by bringing up Sansa and Arya. They’ll never be loyal to Dany, and Jon will have to choose.

With lots to think about, Jon goes to confront Dany, who is prowling around the mess she made of the Red Keep. Drogon, as always, is faithfully standing guard beneath a pile of ash. Or is it snow? Is there snow in the capital? Questions.

Inside (I...guess?), Dany ventures into the once glorious throne room, which now looks like this:

Hope you have a good Master of Coin in mind, Dany.

The new Queen is stunned and delighted about finally coming face to face with the Iron Throne.

Yes. Hundreds of swords all melded together sounds fabulous for my back. Why does everyone want to sit in this thing so badly?

That is when Jon shows up. He begs Dany to spare the lives of the remaining Lannister prisoners. Tyrion from the impending doom of the dragon’s breath. Dany shakes her head. They cannot get by on “small mercies” when there is a whole world who needs...mercy. It will be a good world, she insists. She will make Jon see that it will be a good world. 

He asks about everyone else. The people who “don’t know what’s good”. Dany’s reply: “They don’t get to choose.”

Dany wraps Jon in her arms and demands he be with her because they’re fated, they’ll break the wheel together, blah blah 

And for a moment, just a moment, it almost appears to be working. They kiss passionately, there’s a glint of metal, Dany looks shocked. And then...

Yeah, I didn’t spoil myself, though the season eight plots were easily accessible on Reddit. Probably posted by an annoyed PA who is firmly in the “this season blew” camp. In fact, I am willing to bet it’s the same guy who left The Cup in 8.4. He did it on purpose. 

But still, though I had a feeling Daenerys would not make it out of the finale alive, I was not prepared. It makes total sense for Jon to ultimately kill Dany, as he is the only one who could get close enough to her to do it aside from Grey Worm, who would never, and, of course, Drogon. There is a poetic irony to having the man who loves her ultimately be her end.

And yet...

Poor Jon. Two girlfriends, both dead. 

As Jon cradles her, Drogon starts creepin’. His dragon senses tell him that something’s happened to his mommy. Jon lays his deceased lady love on the floor and Drogon creeps up behind him, scaring the pants off him. He pads over to Dany’s inert body, trying to wake her up.

All together now:

I literally aww’d out loud when I first watched this. Twice. On Twitter, people have likened this scene to Simba pawing at a deceased Mufasa after the wildebeest stampede in The Lion King. It’s pretty reminiscent. “Mom? Mom? Wake up, we got the Iron Throne now!” 

Realizing that his mama really is dead, Drogon is not happy. He growls at Jon, rears up, and fire swirls at the back of his throat. Jon, for his part, remains stoic. I suppose he thinks he deserves this after becoming a Queenslayer. 

But Drogon spares him, perhaps unable to harm a Targaryen? Instead, he takes his ire out on the ironically defenseless throne made of dead men’s swords.

He melts the fuck out of that throne until it’s nothing but molted metal. No one entirely knows why, but two theories are prevalent. One, that Drogon understood that it was really the Iron Throne that killed his mother in the end, her ambition to lead, and not Jon. Dragons are supposed to be incredibly intelligent. And two, as Leslie Jones put it, “If my mama can’t have it, ain’t nobody having it!”

Once the evil pointy chair is gone, Drogon cradles Dany’s body in his talons and flies away with her. 

And I’m dead.

Oh, I’m so sad for Drogon. First the Night King took Viserion. Then, Captain Underpants shot down Rhaegal. Now his mom’s gone. 

I want to hug him.

The next day, Grey Worm and Co. come for Tyrion, but instead of being Dracarysed, he’s led to the Dragonpit, where various heads of Great Houses are assembled to discuss What To Do Now--yanno, that Jon Snow killed the Queen. Yara wants him dead, as well as the Prince of Dorne. Arya threatens to cut her throat if she says that again. Davos, as usual, is the voice of reason. He tries to bribe Grey Worm with the Reach but the Unsullied do not want payment; they want justice. 

Tyrion says it’s not for Grey Worm to decide, and Grey Worm is pissed. But it’s for their King or Queen to decide, and the powerful people before him must pick one.

Grey Worm’s like--

He is not all in on this idea but he’s gonna humor it.

Sam starts to suggest democracy but everyone’s like LOL.

Edmure Tully, aka Tobias Menzies, aka Frank/Black Jack Randall on Outlander, who we haven’t seen since season six, rises and attempts to make a case for himself being named King. Sansa has no time for his antics.

Burn after reading, Edmure. 

Honestly, I’d have preferred this side character we haven’t seen for two seasons over the guy they actually picked. Tyrion, who, I may remind, is the prisoner here, makes a case that the best man/woman (it’s a man) for the job is someone with “the best story”. Okay, cool, I can get behind that.

And then he says, “Who has a better story than Bran Stark?”

Uh...

Let’s see, of the remaining nobles, Sansa has overcome a shitload of adversity to become a really kickass, strong leader of her House, Arya was raised a spoiled little girl and could’ve lived off that but instead threw all those trappings aside to transform into a literal assassin, Brienne is now the first woman knight in all of Westeros, Tyrion went against his House to support a southern Queen and survived a false accusation of poisoning his nephew by his sister, Sam was sentenced to the Night’s Watch by his jackass of a father only to find love, family, and survive the Battle of Winterfell, Yara was kidnapped by her pirate uncle, lost her brother, and is now Queen of the Iron Islands, and Jon, well Jon, what didn’t Jon fucking do? 

Bran was carried around by the poor dude whose head he fucked with for a few years and spent this season being an unemotional robot.

Tyrion asks Bran if he’s up to the role and Bran replies--

.....!

............!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO “I CAN’T BE THE LORD OF WINTERFELL, I’M THE THREE-EYED RAVEN”?! Even Isaac Hempstead-Wright said when he originally got the script, he thought it was a joke. 

We’re supposed to believe he is not up to the task of lording Winterfell but the Seven Kingdoms? No problem.

I’m sorry, the Six Kingdoms. Sansa will not agree to appoint Bran King unless he gives the North independence, which he does.

Six Kingdoms does not sound as good, y’all.

Bran’s a Six Chick now.

So everyone votes and the newfound oligarchy of Westeros toast to their new KingBot.

They call him Bran the Broken because every royal needs a nickname. It’s kind of insulting but I highly doubt Westeros was at all #woke.

I like my ideas better.

Bran makes Tyrion his Hand to make up for all his mistakes in the past, and Grey Worm bugs out because he’s a criminal and deserves justice. But Bran is now a KingBot and can do what he wants so there!

Tyrion, saved from execution, reports to a reckt-looking Jon that KingBot has decided to send him to the Night’s Watch, which still exists for some reason. He will take no wife, bore no children, etc, al., we’ve heard the spiel before. 

Jon asks Tyrion if what they did was right because he feels like shit and Tyrion tells him to ask him again in ten years. So they don’t even know if killing Dany was a good thing or a bad thing.

As Jon ambles through the docks, he passes Grey Worm’s ship. One of the Unsullied lets him know in High Valyrian that all the men are on board and wistfully he nods his reply.

Naath, being of course, Missandei’s home. Grey Worm and the Unsullied are fulfilling a promise he made to Missandei before the Battle of Winterfell--that he would accompany her back home to protect her people from slavers. Now, sans Missandei, he is keeping that promise.

At the docks, Sansa asks Jon if he can forgive her. He is a better person than I because I would’ve been like--

Jon tells her the North has its independence because of her, they hug, and he moves onto Arya. She can’t visit him at the Night’s Watch because she is going on an adventure! She’s gonna start world-building. Arya the World-Builder!

She’s going west of Westeros. For the glory of the Starks and the North. Maybe start a colony there and push some indigenous people onto reservations.

 Next, Jon goes down the line to bid goodbye to his new KingBot.

Seven Six Hells, it’s a good thing this is the finale because calling BranBot “Your Grace” and bending the knee to him will never not be super odd.

Jon tells him he’s sorry he wasn’t there when KingBot needed him and KingBot assures him he was exactly where he was supposed to be with that creepy blank face. Y’all may as well have installed HAL as King.

In the miraculously intact and debris-free Red Keep, the new Commander of the Kingsguard is searching through the Big Book of Westerosi Knights For Dummies--

--for Jaime’s entry, I guess to complete his story, and somehow she finds the wherewithal not to be catty.

There, Brienne. Fixed it for you.

At the small council table, Tyrion reverently sits in the seat of the Hand to the King while the rest of the council comes pouring in. Sam places a thick tome in front of Tyrion, and when he asks what it is, Sam proudly states that it’s A Song of Ice and Fire, a history of the wars following Robert’s Rebellion and death. 

There isn’t much that takes me out of the experience more than mentioning the title of the show I’m watching. And although this is Game of Thrones, we all know it’s based on the ASoIaF book series. 

By Archmaester Ebrose, eh? You sure it wasn’t, say, Archmaester Jyrge of House Martyn?

The in-universe AsoIaF doesn’t even mention Tyrion, which is hilarious.

Brienne and KingBot enter and everyone stands and calls him “Your Grace” and we snicker. At the table, the first thing KingBot does is ask about the missing Masters of Whisperers, Law, and War. And also where Drogon is. Sam says he is flying east but KingBot seems determined to find him.

What’s he gonna do, warg into Drogon? You leave that poor baby alone, KingBot! In a short time, he’s lost both his brothers and his mother. He’s totally alone. Don’t bother him no more!

#LeaveDrogonAlone!

Before Podrick, who is now Ser Podrick, takes him away, everyone stands to salute their KingBot.

Maybe I’m a broken record, but Bran being crowned King is like getting an A+ on the presentation when you spent the whole prep time playing Words With Friends on your phone.

When he leaves, the remaining small council members discuss rebuilding the armada and distributing wealth responsibly. Bronn has been named Lord of the Reach and is now Master of Coin. His first priority as such is--

Naturally. 

Tyrion also comes to the conclusion that after extensive research into the sewers at Casterly Rock, clean water=healthy people.

No!

The camera slowly pulls out on our happy merry men (and woman) of the council so I guess that means that is the last time we will see them.

At Castle Black--

And so fast? Are all the builders in the North drinking Four Loko or what?

There, waiting, is Tormund, like he’s Leo at the end of Titanic. He knew Jon would be back. Because he’s “got the real North in him”.

In all corners of Westeros, the Starks are doin’ their thang. Arya is setting sail for places unknown, brandishing the Stark sigil.

Sansa is attending her coronation of Queen in the North after winning the Northern independence.

And Jon is among the wildlings at Castle Black. He seems to be searching for someone in particular amongst the throng. 

And then, he finds him!

It’s Ghost! The goodest good boi in the wide world finally got his snuggles from his Daddy. 

He deserves all the love and treats because he’s the best boi.

Yes, he is! Yes, he is!

The finale closes with Tormund and Jon leading the Free Folk into the woods. Hmm..

Is Jon destined to be the King Beyond the Wall now? We’ll never know for sure because the show is over. But there is always fanfiction. 

I am reading one right now where Jon and Dany meet in Pentos before she is crowned Khaleesi. It’s good shit. 

So, uh, pros: Sansa being crowned Queen in the North was awesome. She deserved it. I can see Arya as an explorer. Cons: KingBot. WHY?! I cannot see him being the “great king” the other characters think he will be. He has no emotion, which is why he is KingBot. The first thing he does upon calling to order his first small council meeting is wondering where the fuck Drogon is so he can kill him. And it’s not enough that he’s elsewhere in the east. KingBot has to warg into him or into something near him to get his exact location. Idkkk him being King is pretty absurd. 

The finale was a week ago and I’m still in mourning for Dany. I’m in mourning for how fast the writers took her to Mad Queen status. I like the theory that Drogon is flying to Volantis to have Kinvara of the Red Priesthood revive her so that she can come back to Westeros and kick ass and take names. 

In the meantime, and forevermore, the wheel keeps on spinning...

[iknownothingihearnothing]

All hail your Queen in the North!

Queen in the North!

[iknownothingihearnothing]

....

.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRANBOT?!

MOTHERFUCKING BRANBOT?!?!

Oh Seven Six Hells, Las Vegas was right. 

As Wednesday Addams would say, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened in the history of human events.

And he says he’s gonna help find Drogon, like WHAT? He’s gonna warg into that MFing grieving dragon!

Oy. The only good things in this finale were Sansa getting crowned Queen in the North--

--and Jongon getting reunited with Ghost. GHOST! Good boy, Ghost.

Dany died for this and Jaime buggered off and everything sucks.

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Game of Thrones 8.5 “The Bells”

Well. 

That was...an episode.

Pros: The actors did a GREAT job, so props to them, and so did the director. And the effects were really cool. I admit, I whooped when Drogon appeared out of the sky set the entire Iron Fleet ablaze and made the battlements protecting King’s Landing go kabloom. What can I say? I like when shit explodes. Arya was tops. And we finally got #Cleganebowl! 

Cons: Literally, everything else.

Look, man, I was totally prepared for Dany becoming a Mad Queen. It was hinted at throughout the series run. But, I mean, this was a sudden turnheel. She was a war hero two episodes ago! I know she’s lost A LOT and deals with even more, and sometimes we just LOSE IT, but we needed more build-up, to explore her psyche more where Dany would get to a place from “I will not destroy the land of the people I’ve come to save” to “Lol fuck it”. Six episodes aren’t enough. HBO offered D&D however many eps it would take to conclude Game of Thrones and they were like “Nah, six is fine”. What were they thinking? I gasped when Drogon started Dracarys-ing the hell out of King’s Landing despite the bell ringing because, yeah, it was awful to see and it felt like a whole bunch of levels in the Mad Queen video game had been skipped. 

As for the end of Jaime and Cersei...ugh. 

I really thought he was going back to K.L. to kill Cersei, and then maybe himself because he couldn’t bare living after doing away with his sister-ex. But...no. Instead, we got them dying in each other’s arms as Dany rained hellfire from above. 

Hear that noise? That was Jaime’s whole arc over 7 plus seasons going straight out that window from the pilot.

He truly left Brienne to go back to his sister-lover. And die. Just...

#BrienneDeservedBetter

All righty, let’s...dive in.

Right away, the “on the last Game of Thrones...” the sum-up focuses on Tyrion stuttering that the object is to take the Iron Throne without destroying K.L. and we linger for a sec on Dany’s pointed expression so we’re all going into this episode like--

And sure enough, to stick matters into our craw, Varys is opening the episode by writing the piece of THE juiciest gossip he learned to...someone.

A little girl from the kitchens enters and haltingly informs Varys that, nope, Dany still won’t eat. Probably because she’s upset at having just watched her bestie beheaded and all. The little girl, whose name is Martha, is a weensy bit afraid; she thinks the soldiers are watching her, but, as Varys says, the greater the risk, the greater the reward.

Ayyy. So, Varys has been trying to poison Dany, has he? How on brand. And he’s been getting a little innocent kitchen maid to do it. 

Fab.

Jon comes up the beachhead to tell Varys that more men should arrive to the gates of King’s Landing in two days’ time and Varys takes the opportunity to commit a bit o’ treason. 

Varys tries to convince Jon “still not over poor Ghost” Snow that he’d be a better royal with that old “Whenever a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin” stuff and submits that he doesn’t know yet where Dany’s coin has landed, but he knows Jon’s is flipped on heads.

Anyone else get an image of that Twilight Zone episode with Darrin Stephens where he plays a bank teller and he flips a coin and it lands on its side and he starts hearing thoughts?

Dany’s like that coin. Only...godlier? 

Jon reiterates once more that he doesn’t want the Throne and never has but Varys knows Jon will be a better ruler than she will be--but, alas for Varys, she is his Queen. 

Alas twice for Varys, Tyrion’s been watching the whole thing and, with a pained expression, reports to a Sad Panda Dany who at first believes the person who betrayed her was Jon Snow, but when Tyrion tells her it was Varys, Dany is not appeased. Varys knows the truth about Jon, who learned it from Tyrion, who in turn learned it from Sansa and it’s like a long ass Westerosi grapevine of treachery and backstabbing and incest.

So, like, a regular Sunday in Westeros, I guess.

Varys is off in the office or whatever writing...something...that must be srs whatever it is because he immediately burns it upon a knock sounding at the door and being greeted with Grey Worm’s “I’ma kill you” face. 

See that? That’s his “Welp. I’m Fucked” look.

The leader of the Unsullied wordlessly leads him toward the Killin’ Fields (Or the Killin’ Beachhead, whatever), where Tyrion greets him.

I swear Varys merely looks annoyed with the prospect ohf is impending demise via Grill on Legs and I am here for it.

Varys and Tyrion say a non-penis crack related goodbye, Dany sentences him to die for treason, and Drogon Dracarys-es the hell out of the Master of Whispers.

Tyrion: My friend is gone but it was the right thing to do. Right?

Jon: She is a tough but fair Queen. 

Dany: Good boy, Drogon! Who’s Mommy’s best boy?!

Drogon: Ugh. My belly hurts. Mom! 

Conleth Hill did one of those post-mortem interviews with Entertainment Weekly wherein he admitted, upon reading the script at first and learning of Varys’ death, he took it personally. He thought he did something wrong and it took him a minute to understand this was all just serving the narrative. It was refreshingly honest, tho, and kinda awesome. 

When the flames dissipate and Varys is totally gone (or maybe we’re just not shown the grossness; for all we know, there could be Varys Bones on that spot), Tyrion is silent and Jon is...possibly second-guessing his Queen.

(I love Steve Harvey. I would watch an entire GoT prequel or sequel or whatever just starring Ser Steyve of House Harrvy.)

Dany is sitting in the War Room at the hearth looking over all Missandei brought with her over the Narrow Sea--the chain around her neck from when she was still a slave. She gives it to Grey Worm, who then throws it into the fireplace. 

Jon knocks on the door and Dany gives Grey Worm her permission to speak to him alone. She toooooooold him soooooooooo.

In fact, that Colbert meme is probably as modernly accurate as possible since GoT is all about politics and Sansa telling Tyrion about Jongon was truly politically motivated. And “now she knows what will happen if more people discover the truth about [Jongon]”.

No one loves Dany in Westeros. She only has fear. But Jon loves her, she is his Queen.

Dany grasps him by the lapels and wants to know if she is only his Queen.

But Jon Snow just CANNOT and Dany pulls away with a resigned look on her face.

She could really use some of that ice cream and Ye Olde Westerosi Netflyxxe right now. Might’ve saved King’s Landing. Some Rocky Road and a good binge does wonders for a heartbroken girl. 

In the Great Hall, Tyrion is trying to convince an increasingly fire-happy Dany to not burn them all. He attempts to appeal to her logic, her reason, her, like, sanity. Thousands of innocents will die if she burns K.L. to the ground.

Dany is trying to pin all this on Cersei, but the psycho will have anyone and everyone who resists her killed, as well as their families. Like Hitler. So... 

Dany posits that Cersei believes their “mercy” is a weakness.

Tyrion begs her this one thing--if the people ring the bells over King’s Landing, please pretty pretty please with gumdrops call off the attack. And after some consideration, Daenerys agrees. After Grey Worm leaves, Tyrion bows to leave but Dany calls after him that Jaime was caught by her soldiers trying to get beyond their lines. Seems he hasn’t abandoned Cersei after all--

--and the next time Tyrion fails her will be the last.

While the people of the capital are pouring through the gates to be Cersei’s buffer, Tyrion sails his little dinghy to where the Unsullied are camped out to ask Ser Davos of House Vidalia a favor, as he is the best smuggler alive.

Davos:

I almost forgot that Davos was an awesome smuggler. They could really use him on Orange is the New Black. 

Arya and the Hound manage to make it beyond Dany’s lines, tho, right into Cersei’s. When a Lannister soldier commands them, HALT, WHO GOES THERE, Arya blatantly claims that she is Arya Stark and is there to kill the Queen (let us keep eyeballing the words “the Queen” and not “Queen Cersei”). Instead of immediately taking out his sword to battle to the death for his Queen, the guy looks uncertain because not even the dudes in the Lannister Army like Cersei. The Hound convinces him that without Cersei there will be no war--ha!--and thus he won’t have to die tomorrow and before he can mildly converse with his commander, they’re galloping away.

In front of the tent Jaime’s chained in, Tyrion tries to address the Unsullied guarding it in his rusty High Valyrian.

Hilariously.

The dude confirms that he speaks the Common Tongue and Tyrion’s like--

Jaime’s there, looking like an idiot who went back to his sister who is destined to die instead of stayed in the North with Brienne where he was safe and loved. The soldiers knew it was him because of his hand. Tyrion, the other Hand, begs Jaime to go to Cersei and convince her to surrender, for their kid, for all the innocents in King’s Landing. He has the key Davos smuggled. Jaime tries to argue Cersei’s advantage, but she ain’t got none against a fucking dragon that’s prepared for war. Tyrion tells him to have the people ring the bell to signal their new allegiance. Then, he and Cersei can escape via the cells beneath the Red Keep to the dinghy Tyrion plans to store on the beachhead, sail to Pentos. Where it all began for Dany.

As he unlocks his brother, Jaime puts forth that Dany will have his head for this. Tyrion hopes that this maneuver--yanno, avoiding slaughter--will save him (LOL). But if not, a million innocents for one “not so innocent dwarf” is fine with him. 

Tyrion knows this will likely be the last time he sees Jaime. So, as he repays the debt he owes his brother for freeing him from being blamed for the Joff’s murder (RIP again, Olenna), he tells him he never would’ve survived his childhood without him.

Nevermind.

The next morning, the sun rises over the Blackwater, where the Iron Fleet is bobbin’ along. Getting their lion-branded Scorpions ready and stuff. Lannister soldiers are sharpenin’ their arrows. 

Meanwhile, the people of King’s Landing, those innocents Tyrion risked treason to protect, are preparing for a dragon attack.

In head-scratching ways.

Kinda like school kids being taught to hide under desks during the Cold War so they don’t get liquidated.

The Golden Company is also lined up right outside the gate where Dany’s Unsullied and Dothraki forces will meet them. Remember, they are led by the banally named Captain Harry Strickland, who is a CPA by day.

In the Red Keep, Cersei is gazing down at the courtyard with a confident smile on her face because she is deluded. And down below, the people of K.L. are pouring in through the gates of the Red Keep for her “protection”. Arya just manages to sneak in before they’re closed for good and a soldier urges everyone else to go back home. Jaime “the stupidest Lannister” Lannister decides to use the back door.

In the Blackwater Bay, the camera switches from the sky to Euron, so we know Drogon’s on his way.

Drogon comes out of the sky and starts Dracarys-ing the HELL out of the Iron Fleet! And I whooped out loud. I am here for this too, man.

I wanted to post the GIF HBO released because it’s fucking awesome but it keeps freezing, damnit.

Once Drogon desecrates the Iron Fleet like it’s NBD, he starts in on the Lannister Army on the mainland. They shoot one of the Scorpion arrows at Drogon, who dodges it like a boss, and just as they finish reloading--

Outside the capital gates, Dany’s men and Harry Strickland of the Golden Company, 12,045 of his name, of House Ranch on Elmwood Drive are waiting boredly like they’re about to play checkers when the CC tells me there are explosions a-happenin’, which alert Dany’s men and seem to freak the fuck out of the Golden Company. 

For good reason.

See, I LOVED this episode until...not so much. I was all for this shit. I was gearing up for a Mad Queen smackdown to the stars. I enjoy watching things explode immensely. Drogon taking out Dany’s enemies like THAT was just--

And then, eh, The Weirdness. But we’ll get to that.

Oh, and look what happens to the Golden Company’s ffearless and blandly named leader:

The gates are effectively burst open and Dany’s forces ride and run through, killing and maiming all the way in the name of their Queen. All the while Dany herself is perched on her Favorite (and only living) Son, raining hellfire.

Fucking sweet. 

Meanwhile, in the Red Keep, Cersei’s superior smirk has finally begun to vanish from her face.

In hindsight, when you watch a dragon start flying over your city, spitting fire at all your forces and destroying your carefully crafted war machine like that, it’s kinda hard to remain in denial. 

Creepy Qyburn informs the soon to be unYour Grace that all the Scorpions have been destroyed and the Iron Fleet is burning. Cersei is confident that the Lannister Army will “defend their Queen to the last man” but we know they’re ehhhh on Cersei and the not exactly confident look on her face says she thinks otherwise.

As Tyrion desperately watches that bell tower, Jaime fights to get back to his sister-lover, and the Unsullied and Dothraki forces meet with the supposed “loyal to the end” Lannister Army, obvs weary of fighting, Drogon perches himself on a nearby house to wait the verdict and gives a roar. It’s rather adorable.

D’awwwww. He’s like my dog perching at my feet, howling for attention and food. Except this guy has wings and breathes fire (which, granted, I often feel like my dog’s breath is akin to). Who’s a good big boy?! Yes, you are, Drogon! Yes, you are!

As Drogon continues to roar, the captain of the Lannister Army is looking queasier and queasier, truly like he’s gonna barf. He did NOT sign up for this shit. 

So, one by one, the men in the Lannister Army surrender their swords.

And Jon breathes a sign of relief.

A call goes out through the city to ring the bells, for the love of the Seven. Jon once again holds his breath. Cersei waits to see if her reign is really, truly over. Jaime’s still being stupid. Dany is bobbing on Drogon’s back as her dragon roars. Tyrion watches that bell tower like he can make it ring with his mind.

Finally, the bell sounds out, and there is a collective sigh of relief.

Unfortunately for the citizens of King’s Landing, the episode is only half over. 

But Dany’s expression is not one of glory for having just obtained her lifelong goal. No, instead she looks, well...

This would be the point most of us thought the episode took a drastic crash.

And at the destroyed gates, Tyrion’s like--

Props to Emilia, man. She conveyed all the rage Daenerys felt at all the loss she experienced in such a short time. From the eternally loyal Ser Jorah’s death to watching her best friend beheaded to the growing distance between her and Jon. And, of course, the simmering rage she’d grown up experiencing having lost her entire family to these people, the Lannisters. 

So, for a moment, just a moment, because of that hatred of Cersei and all she stands for, we are led to believe that Dany is sailing Drogon over the roofs of King’s Landing to the Red Keep to finally meet Her Former Grace face to face and have that Mad Queen-off we so desire. 

Instead, what happens is Dany goes from ten to 1,000,000 at the flip of a switch and it is whiplash-inducing.

Dany’s attack gives her forces the go-ahead to throw morals and ethics out the door and they start attacking the Lannister Army anyway. Yanno, the ones who gave up their swords.

That is, everyone but Jon the Honorable. Who knows you do not continue an attack after a surrender and weapons are given up. I am reminded of the infamous massacre at Malmedy during the Battle of the Bulge, wherein surrendered American forces were taken to a clearing, thinking they were on their way to a Stalag, and gunned down by Waffen SS. 

He continues to try to save as many as he can while fighting the ones that come after him. Grey Worm, though, is all in after losing Missandei. The battle is gruesome and often completely unbalanced. Heads are cut off. Blood spurts in the air. Grey Worm has no time for Jon’s code of honor.

Drogon’s sailing over what remains of K.L., Cersei’s in the Red Keep finally ;looking like she’s about to shit herself, Tyrion is dumbfounded. Damn, Dany’s killin’ everyone. Even Aaron Rodgers. 

Daenerys is a Bears fan, I guess. 

I know he’s a big fan of the show. I imagine he sits at home with his bros surrounding his big ass TV, shouting things like “Daenerys 22, Cersei 14, Hut, Hut, BREAK!”

It’s anarchy. People are screaming, choking each other and running all over each other to get out of the literal line of fire. But there isn’t anywhere in the city that is safe. Dany has a motherfucking flying dragon. Everyone is fucked, and the little girl clinging to a wall seems to know this better than anyone.

Jon doesn’t know what to do. He’s fighting anyone who comes at him but he’s also mystified. His Queen, whom he loves, caused this. This hell is entirely of her own making. He is jolted from his reverie by the screams of a woman about to be violated by one of his own men, whom he takes down and meekly advises her to hide somewhere.

Even though there is nowhere.

Drogon sails directly for the Red Keep for the first time, and Cersei is obviously terrified. 

Stupid Jamie is trying to get back to Cersei still because he’s stupid and runs into Guyliner Greyjoy on the beach, whose guyliner hasn’t run off somehow after being submerged for who knows how long. That’s some strong waterproof eyeliner! Euron taunts him and they start fighting over Cersei’s honor (ha!).

Captain Pirate manages to get in a stab wound on Jaime before they both lay there for a moment, fatigued. Time out.

In the Red Keep, Creepy Qyburn strongly suggests Cersei move her ass to Maegor’s Holdfast, like, now, because the Unsullied have breached the gates and there’s a fucking dragon destroying the city and all. Cersei ultimately agrees and takes his (I assume) cold, clammy hand.

Over at the beach, time’s back in. Euron mumbles, mouth full of blood, that Jaime fought well “for a cripple” and that energizes him to also move his ass, reclaim his sword, and stick it right through Euron.

He bleeds out there, but not before he stabs Jaime in what looks like the butt.

Poor Jaime, his butt will never be the same. 

Let’s give it up for PIlou Asbaek. He seemed to have the most fun on this show, probably because he was the last regular added. He really got into playing this swaggering douche of a character. 

Arya and the Hound finally make their way into the crumbling Red Keep. The Hound takes one look at the place and tells Arya to get gone; Cersei’s gon’ die. Maybe one of the Dothraki will take care of her. Or the dragon will eat her. 

But Arya’s determined to cross Cersei off her list, damnit. It takes the Hound forcing Arya to look at him, truly look at him, and ask her if she wants to die here with him, to make her see reason.

Revenge is not worth your life. Not when you still have so much to live for.

As he’s leaving, Arya calls the Hound back:

It’s the first and only time she’ll use his real name. And it doesn’t just tug the heartstrings, it yanks them til they ache, because you know the Hound is walking toward his death.

The ceiling caves in, and Zombie Mountain dives to protect his Queen. And that is when the Hound appears. 

#CLEGANEBOWL!

#CLEGANEBOWL, MOTHERFUCKERS!

The Mountain can’t resist and, for the first time ever, chooses to leave his Queen’s side to approach his little brother. Cersei demands he return, and his eyes turn red, which we all know means EVIL. Qyburn tries to intervene and...it doesn’t go well for him.

With Qyburn and her men dead, Cersei walks past both Clegane boys like--

And then, it starts!

And in this cornah, we have Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane, 6 Feet, 9 Inches, 425 Pounds, a literal zombie! 

And in the othah cornah, we have Sandor “The Hound” Clegane, 6 Feet, 4 Inches, 224 Pounds, former personal bodyguard to the deceased Joffrey Baratheon!

The Hound slowly approaches the Mountain, up these stairs to nowhere as Drogon sails overhead, and they’re off! They clash swords for a minute until the Hound knocks off the Mountain’s helmet and we finally see what he looks like under there as a rotting corpse.

Cut to Cersei aimlessly wandering around the desecrated and crumbling Red Keep, not really knowing where to go until she spots Jaime and gasps in gratefulness and we gasp in disgust.

Cersei feels Jaime’s stab wound courtesy of Euron but Jaime waves it off and takes her hand as the building--and their world--crumble around them.

Ugh.

Over on Stairway to Nowhere, the Clegane Boys are still dueling to the death. The Hound manages to get a stab to the gut in, but the Mountain only cocks his head, pushes his brother down the stairs, and pulls the sword out. Cus he be dead, after all.

Arya is running through the devastated streets of King’s Landing, trying to get the hell outta Dodge like everyone else in the joint. Everyone else who’s still alive, that is. She struggles along, bumping into a man looking desperately for his wife, women, children, the wounded, and the elderly huddled frightened against a wall, a scared teenager. And dust flying everywhere. Before joining a crowded throng of people making way for the exit gates and nearly getting crushed to death.

The camera cuts back and forth between Arya and the Hound, both fighting against seemingly insurmountable odds. It’s rather frustrating for the viewer but I think it’s supposed to be.

A woman named Nora--truly, are D&D just saying “fuck it” with the names? She has a daughter named Eleanor for the Seven’s sake! That’s so normal! At least throw a ubiquitous and unnecessary y in there, like people do with kids’ names these days. Nyra or Eleynore--saves her from getting trampled and they all run down the road as Drogon continues to light shit on fire.

Zombie Mountain slams his brother up against a crumbling wall and starts choking the life out of him while the Hound manages to free his dagger and stab Gregor in the arm, the shoulder, the chest...nothing works. 

Zombie Mountain starts lifting up his brother and gouging out his eyes with his thumbs like he did to Oberyn back in season four (I guess that’s his signature move, like Triple H’s Pedigree or The Rock’s People’s Elbow) but the Hound has one more trick up his sleeve. Desperately, he stabs his brother through the head, and that seems to distract him long enough for the Hound to reorient himself.

A determined expression encompasses the Hound’s bloodied face, and, while his brother is trying to pull out the knife, he yells, runs toward him, and throws him through the crumbling wall behind him, leaving them both to tumble to the fiery ground below to their deaths.

Pour one out for the Hound, y’all. Fire was the one thing he was truly afraid of. Fire was the way he took his evil brother out and ultimately left this earth. The Hound is the true MVP of this episode. 

I know that’s not saying much but...#Cleganebowl was easily the highlight of “The Bells”.

In the streets, Jon is watching his Queen destroy the city for some reason.

Can Drogon breathe wildfire now? Could he always and I just forgot? Seven damnit!

Jon sheaths his sword, catches eyes with Davos, and commands his men to fall back behind the wall. Not that there is much of one left.

Arya, covered head to toe in dust, narrowly misses being smushed by the falling bell tower. Inside a still standing building, she finds Nora and Eleanor, huddled amongst a mass of frightened people. She urges them to run; they can’t stay stagnant or they’ll be killed.

But Nora is quickly overrun and, though Arya tries to shoulder her, Nora urges Arya to take Eleanor and go. But Eleanor won’t leave her mother.

Under the Red Keep, Jaime and Cersei are running hand in hand amongst the rubble and dragon skulls, just as Tyrion instructed, to get to that dinghy and sail for Pentos. IDK how they’d make it all the way to Pentos in only a tiny boat with no food or water but hey, not like it matters because the exit is blocked with falling rocks. Jaime tries in vain to dig his way out a bit, but he knows as soon as he sees the rock wall that they’re screwed.

This is the one moment of the season Cersei starts showing emotion. She doesn’t wanna die. She doesn’t want their incest child to die. Jaime grabs her and makes her look at him.

Have I said “ugh” in regards to this yet? Because UGH. He left behind Brienne for THIS? I could get behind him abandoning her because he didn’t think he deserved her--it would fit with his character, as it was now--but THIS bullshit? 

Yeah, they die. Crushed by rocks. It’s sad. Not nearly as sad as the loss of Jaime’s whole journey over the course of the show but...

The assassination of Jaime Lannister is probably the thing I’m most mad about this whole episode, and I’m mighty mad about lots of things. He just LEFT Brienne and for what? “Yeah this is nice and all but not as nice as banging my sister.” 

Fuck’s sake.

In the aftermath, Arya wakes mind-numbed and bloody. The city is in ashes, flames licking in arbitrary places. Barbequed bodies littering the ground, all burnt to a crisp. The only thing left alive Arya sees is a beautiful white horse (how convenient).

Arya calms the horse, climbs on its back, and rides it through the burning wreckage of the city, presumably back to Winterfell.

Or maybe not.

Urgh. I had such high hopes for this episode at first. It was SICK to watch Drogon spitting fire at Dany’s enemies. SICK as HELL. Then she went all Mad Queen but instead of gunning for Cersei, she took her rage out on the poor people of King’s Landing. 

The gods flipped a coin and it landed on “mad as a hatter”. Which I could’ve gotten behind...if we had more time to explore Dany’s psyche and how all those losses, one after another, were affecting her mind. But this was all way too fast. 

And Jaime and Cersei...just...

I keep seeing Brienne’s heartbroken face. Jaime’s entire character plot meant nothing in the end. 

I just...need a drink.

Let’s hope the finale doesn’t totally blow burrito chunks.

[iknownothingihearnothing]

So, anyone named their daughters Daenerys or Khaleesi, how you doin’ tonight? 

I knew she was gonna snap after last episode. She lost almost everyone who loved her. Jorah died fighting for her, then Missandei was captured and killed. Both Viserion and Rhaegal were shot down. The secret about Jongon is out, and Varys tried to overthrow her. Jon can’t get it up for her anymore because, yanno, she’s his auntie. First hubby is long since dead. Gurlfran was destined to lose it. The gods flipped the Dany coin and got tails. 

Dragon tails, to be precise.

I’m so PISSED about Jaime’s arc tho. He finally realized how awful Cersei was at the end of last season only to come back to her at the end of this one. He didn’t even kill her himself! They died in each other’s arms, what the fuck? 

The best thing about the episode was we finally got #Cleganebowl! 

MVP is Ser Sandor motherfucking Clegane, the Hound, First of His Name, Reluctant Protector of the Realm, Stabber of Zombies, and All Around Badass

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Ugh

This “TCC” shit is disgusting. Y’all aren’t interested in true crime. You’re just freaks. Eric Harris hated Jews, I wonder how many of you fawning over him like he’s Elvis are part Jewish? He also hated gay people. Fucking absurd.

[iknownothingihearnothing]

<3 

He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Game of Thrones 8.4 “The Last of the Starks”

I. Am. MAD.

This...this week’s offering right here is an example of an episode I loved and loathed in equal measure. There were lovely moments of--

And then...then there were even more ones of--

Y’all know what I’m talking about. From Brienne’s heartbroken face to that motherfucking Northern stubbornness, to Missandei’s capture and death, to Jon still not knowing enough (he’s so naive), to Euron shooting poor Rhaegal out of the sky, to JON BEING A HORRIBLE WOLF-DADDY!

He just ABANDONED Ghost! Without even a pat goodbye! Even if he had to leave him, he could’ve at least spared a frigging goodbye. Yeah yeah budget blah blah. You couldn’t get an actual big, white, fluffy dog for the few seconds needed for Jon Snow to bid his wolfy buddy who RISKED HIS LIFE for him a proper farewell?! 

I pet my dog and call him a good boy when he gets the ball and goes poop outside. You couldn’t spare more than a “laters, brah” nod to your poor puppy?!

LOOK HOW SAD HE IS!

I want to hug him and kiss him and snuggle him and tell him he’s the goodest boi in the North. Pawning him off to Tormund to live Beyond the Not Wall where he knows no one, what’s the matter with you, Jogon of House Snowaryen?! 

Dany may be leaning a biiiiiit too far into her House Targaryen roots but at least she is a dedicated pet owner. We know she loves her...scale...babies? They have spines, right? Spine babies? Fire babies. 

Ugh, let’s get into this week’s slice of sadness. 

The episode opens with a massive funeral for those that died in the Battle of Winterfell. Including Jorah, Lyanna, Theon, Mr. Edd, and Beric, who is now definitely out of lives.

Dany, crying, leans over Jorah’s prone body, kisses his forehead, and whispers something we’ll never know into his ear.

At least, we’ll never know unless either Emilia or Iain decide to spill the deets. Iain Glen said in a post-ep interview with Entertainment Weekly that it was “something definitely profound”. But who knows, he could be bullshitting us and she actually said “I like muffins” or something and he had to lay there pretending to be dead.

On second thought, she’s English. So perhaps she prefers crumpets. 

Sansa is sniffling over Theon’s body and places a House Stark pin in his shirt. Jon is looking out at this sea of corpses like--

There is no more Ol’ Nighty to bring them back.

Or so we’re led to believe. 

The camera pans across the mourners and we catch a glimpse of our favorite furry friend.

He’s such a good, loyal doggo. Wolfo? Direwolfo. 

Oh Jon I am so MAD AT YOU!

Saving my rage for a bit further down. Barely.

Jon gives a farewell speech about all their dead--they defended the realms of men, no one will ever see their like again, etc. etc.--and then some of the mourners who knew the dead best are given flaming branches in order to set the bodies alight. In the North, they burn their dead. I guess cus the ground is forever frozen and one day someone from House Whyrevr said fuck it and lit his dead grandma on fire. 

Afterwards, they have a joint funeral/”glad we’re alive” party because of course they do. Kinda reminiscent of our shiva except people are sitting on chairs. At the head table, Jon is looking awkwardly at Dany--apparently, that whole “we’re technically related and oh you have a better claim to the throne than me” stuff has lingered beyond fighting for their lives. Damn. Not even surviving Team Undead’s invasion could get them out of that business. 

Elsewhere, Gendry asks the Hound if he’s seen Arya. Does Robert’s bastard have a wee more on his mind than all the death? Like, say, his wee-wee?

Some things never change, no matter what century it is.

Gendry tries to stutter that it’s not about that but the Hound knows it is. Gendry’s alive and the dead are not. Might as well take ASS-vantage of it.

Eh? Eh?

Srsly, this is like the worst party in the history of Westeros. Uh, aside from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple one, #ByeJoflecia). They just buried burnt a heap of their dead, two of their hosts are keeping a huge secret from everyone (and being super weird around each other because of it), and Dany’s endlessly fighting against that frigging Northern hardheadedness. It’s not GREAT, Bob.

Speaking of that famous Northern jackassery, Dany sees an opportunity to crack that stubborn ice as Gendry crosses the party hall. Calling him over, she at first inquires about his parentage, asks him if he knows that Robert Baratheon kinda had her whole family killed and wanted to slaughter her as an infant. Gendry’s like “Whoa, did not know that he was my daddy until after he was dead” and Dany’s all “Yep he dead and so are Renly and Stannis so who’s Lord of Storm’s End?” and no one knows.

This is Dany’s chance to make good.

Not only did Gendry survive the battle, he got laid and made a lord!

You go, Glenn Coco, Gendry Baratheon, Lord of Storm’s End!

Ser Davos, the onion knight (lol) leads the room in a toast to Gendry, the newest Lord on the block.

Don’t be fooled cus he’s now a Lord, he’s still he’s still Gendry from the Forge.

Tyrion remarks that now Gendry will forever be loyal to her and Dany says that he is not the only one that is clever.

Sansa, hearing this, looks at her like bats just sprouted from her head and flew out her ears while her eyes turned red as she chuckled evilly. 

Oh, come on! This is what people in powerful positions on the show do. That’s how they secure allies without, you know, marrying their allies. You want someone’s loyalty, do something for them. Dany’s not the first one to try that. And it’s not like she had Drogon Dracarys the hell out of one of Gendry’s enemies to secure that loyalty. She made him a damn Lord. 

The Starks are annoying me this season. Except when Arya laid the smacketh down on Ol’ Nighty. 

In another corner, Jaime and Brienne are celebrating by gettin’ crunk. She offers a halfassed excuse but Jaime’s all “Dude, we defeated a horde of zombies. Drink up!” and she does, giving him this look:

Bow chicka wowowwwwwwwwwwwwww chicka chicka boom.

Not that I can blame her. Aside from all that incestin’, Jaime’s a fine slice of Kingslayer pie.

Ser Davos of House Onion and Tyrion are talking about Melisandre, who last episode took off her necklace and aged into evaporation. Davos tells Tyrion that he swore to Melisandre he would kill her next time he saw her but he never got the chance, as she did it to herself. Or the Lord of Light took her. Or whatever. They don’t like him much. They fight his war and then he fucks off. 

Tyrion crosses the room to BranBot, who is reading in his wheelchair, which Tyrion calls a clever invention. I keep forgetting that wheelchairs aren’t really a thing in Westeros. 

BranBot, as animated as he’s programmed to be, delights in telling Tyrion that it is reminiscent of the one Daeron Targaryen made for his nephew over a hundred years ago. Just your regular episodic reminder that BranBot is...BranBot. 

Tyrion says BranBot’s BranVision will come in handy as the Lord of Winterfell, which he technically is as Ned Stark’s last surviving “trueborn” son. But BranBot doesn’t want it. BranBot doesn’t really want anything or anyone. He totally just doesn’t care, man.

Tyrion envies BranBot’s ability to not give a shit and and BranBot tells him not to because--

Yes, yes. You’re an “old soul”, BranBot. BranBot calls himself a grandpa in a teenager’s body. He forgets what generation he is and refers to people his own age as “you youngins”. He constantly crows that he is a “proud introvert” who’d rather be reading. We KNOW, BranBot!

Tormund leads a toast (with his awesome tusk cup) to the Dragon Queen and everyone cheers so maybe Dany’s making headway. She herself turns her own toast to Arya, the hero of the Battle of Winterfell. 

Jaime, Brienne, Tyrion, and Pod are playing a Westerosi version of Never Have I Ever with wine and Tormund, a bit drunk off his red ass, is going on and on about how awesome Jon is. Meanwhile, Dany is listening and though she toasts him she knows that she will always be an outsider to these people and they fucking love Jon.

Also, this happened:

“May I have your name?”

“Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Mother of Dragons.”

“Okay, that’s Daniellris Shoehorn, the Sunburnt, Keen of Mean Girls, Bean of the Sandals and the Thirsty Hen, Call Sweetie of the Eight Assed Bee, Brother of Wagons. Is that correct?”

“Ugh. Just write Dany.”

“Okay, Fannie.”

The PTB at HBO have since digitally removed The Cup from the episode but wah bro I think they should have kept it in. That’s hilarious. I want to live in a world where Starbucks exists on Game of Thrones. And it survived the battle. Of course House Styrbycks is right around the corner from Winterfell, conveniently situated at the heart of the town square. 

And you better believe there’s a ride-thru for the horseman on the go.

I enjoy how HBO came out with a statement that Dany ordered herbal tea. I can see Dany ordering herbal tea.

In warmer climes, though, she’s definitely a dragon fruit smoothie girl.

Aside: Liam Cunningham recently went on Conan and gifted him The Cup:

He swore it was the actual cup. How is that even possible?! Wouldn’t someone have tossed it after all this time? And the fact that it was still around had to signal to someone on set that a) trolol a person in Consistency fucked up and at least one dude on GoT knew it before the ep aired and b) that Emilia’s discarded latte appearing in a scene would be gold. 

I want to believe it’s legit. I want to believe so hard that it’s the real Cup and that all these circumstances came together to land the Cup in Liam’s hand all this time later. I want to, and so I shall.

(Yes, I know it is not the real Cup but shh I want to BELIEVE!)

So, Dany is watching everyone have fun and be close with each other, especially how everyone seems to love Jon here, and she’s feeling even more like an outsider (and not a bit insecure about her claim to the throne) and she gets up and leaves. Varys starts to follow her with his watchful Varys eyes.

Jaime, Brienne, Podrick, and Tyrion are still playing their game and getting increasingly drunker doing so. Drunker and more giggly. Everything’s all well and good until Tyrion suddenly sits up, looks Brienne in the eye, and accuses her of being a--dun dun dun--virgin. Pod nonchalantly sips his wine.

Brienne clambers out of her seat and mutters that she has to piss. Tormund, also drunk as a skunk, stumbles to their table, celebrating, and asks--

Well? Who did shit in Tormund’s pants?!

It’s kinda awks because Tormund is into Brienne but Brienne has feelings for Jaime and when did GoT become a teen soap opera? It’s like The North 00000 up in here.

Tyrion pours more wine into Tormund’s tusk as Jaime follows Brienne out.

Dramz. Will they? Won’t they? Stay tuned next week!

No, they totally will right now. 

But first, Tormund is going to bitch.

I was cheering for Tormund to win his Big Woman, I really was. But then Jaime showed up and their chemistry just...reignited. 

Tormund expresses sadness until a Northern lady volunteers to take up his time. The Hound continues to drown his sorrows--tho idk what he’s sad about, he’s alive--ignoring even the prospect of sexytimes until Sansa, finally able to make eye contact with the Hound, shares his table. It was a long time ago when she couldn’t even look at him, back when she was just a little bird. But now she’s a dark phoenix (see what I did there? Because Sophie Turner is starring in Dark Phoenix!) risen from the ashes, having had her revenge against her latest torturer/husband, Ramsay Bolton via his own hounds.

None of if would’ve happened if Sansa had left K.L. with the Hound way back when. But Sansa gently squeezes his hand and says that without Ramsay, Littlefinger, and all those assholes, she’d still be that same naive little bird.

Anyone else get the vibe that David and D.B. are kinda...trying to justify what Ramsay did to Sansa here? Just an itty bit? All that’s missing is Sansa belting out Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”. 

Outside, Arya is practicing her archery skillz when Gendry, the new Lord of Storm’s End, is imbued with way too much enthusiasm after being dubbed by Dany and legit blurts out a proposal to his one night stand right then and there.

Ugh. I can’t wait until my shitty copy of Phhotoshop arrives. Until then I have to use paint shop. Look at those corners! They are making me itch.

Anyway, Arya obvs rejects Gendry’s proposal and it’s d’awww. Gendry is like that guy you hook up with once because he’s hot and afterwards, he won’t stop calling you and texting you and trying to add you as a Facebook friend and messaging you on Twitter suggesting that you fly to Michigan to meet his parents for Thanksgiving. This is something I know nothing about.

Ah, now we’ve circled back to the Jaime and Brienne Show!

That’s if he’s not still obsessed with his siiiiiiiiissssterrrr (she’s a psycho!)

Brienne’s throwing more wood onto yet another hearth (there are a lot of hearths in Winterfell) when Jaime knocks on her door and unceremoniously proclaims that she did not drink when Tyrion accused her of being a V to the gin. He pours her some Dornish red and mutters about it being hot in here; Brienne has learned in the North to always keep a fire going. Jaime has learned in the North that he hates the fucking North. Brienne counters that it grew on her.

Jaime wonders if Tormund Giantsbane also grew on her. He seemed quite sad when she left.

He wants the V-card and the V.

Jaime chuckles awkwardly and begins to pull at the collar of his shirt because “it’s bloody hot in here”. Brienne watches him warily for a second until she gets annoyed and unties the garment herself.

You see where this is going.

First time for Jaime, too. He’s never slept with a knight before.

Has he ever slept with anyone who isn’t his sister before?

Shows how much he cares about Brienne. Letting someone in who isn’t Cersei. That’s a good, non-incestuous step forward, Jaime.

It’s a big moment for Brienne, too, aside from the obvious. She’s had a thing for Jaime for years. This is like that guy you’ve been secretly pining for suddenly realizing he’s totally into it.

In the next scene, Dany confronts a “slightly drunk” Jon, who did not know Ser Jorah very well, but he is pretty sure that if he would’ve chosen a way to die, it would have been protecting Dany. Dany knows Jorah loved her, but she couldn’t love him back--not the way he deserved, not the way she loves Jon.

They kiss and it’s like before Jon ever found out he’s also Aegon until--

“Does Westeros have any support groups for this? Maybe I should ask Ser Jaime.”

Jon wishes that Dany had never told them that they were related and I’m sitting here like--

He would’ve figured it out sooner or later, right? I mean, if he knew he was half Targaryen and all and Rhaegar was his daddy. I understand math is hard but...

Dany tries to forget and sometimes almost succeeds until tonight when she saw all those people gathered around him, looking at him like I’m The Hero! People have looked at her like that before, lots of people, but not here, not on this side of the Narrow Sea. She begs him not to tell anyone of his Targaryen lineage, to swear Samwell and BranBot to secrecy, so that things could go back to how they were before between them. 

But Jon must tell Sansa and Arya because family and nobility and Starkism and all that. And we all know Sansa no likey Dany, despite the fact that HER ARMIES SAVED YOUR NORTHERN ASS.

She begs him some more and he promises that she is his Queen and they can all live together. And they can, if Jon keeps his trap shut.

In Brienne’s quarters, if the animal pelts are a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!

Warm enough in there now, Brienne? 

In the War Room--damn, don’t we all aspire to have a War Room?--our favorites are gathered around the Great Table or whatever with a map of Westeros in the center and some old timey Checkers pieces standing in for the two sides’ respective armies. Obvs, the Battle of Winterfell has depleted Dany and Jon’s forces greatly, but they still have enough to wage hell on Cersei. Yara has taken back the Iron Islands in her name, and the Prince of Dorne pledges his support. Still, Cersei has the Golden Company led by Guyliner Greyjoy and the Lannister Army fresh and ready to fight. 

Dany is not appeased. No matter how many noble people declare their fealty to her, while Cersei still sits on the Iron Throne, she can still call herself Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.

Jon, Tyrion, and Varys reassure her with talk of dragons and the people of K.L. having rebelled against their King before. Sansa adds that she wants to give the armies time to recuperate, which is also--

--since they just fought Team Undead and all. But Dany wants to hit up K.L. NOW NOW NOW because the longer they wait, the stronger her enemies become. Or something.

Someone’s starting to lean a wee too far into her Targ roots. It’s just common sense, Dany. Take a chill pill.

But Jon sticks up for his GF. Very sternly, he swears the North will honor its commitments and allegiance to the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and blah blah blah. 

Dany appears smug.

Silently, Arya and Sansa trade glances like--

Tyrion narrates that Jon will lead the remaining forces up the Kingsroad while a smaller group of them will take a fleet to Dragonstone while the Queen will follow on...dragonback.

Jaime will remain at Winterfell as a guest. 

The camera ticks to Brienne’s expression at the mention of her former crush and new lovah’s name:

She’s trying to outwardly remain passive, but inside--

She’s getting laid and she’s not dead. Those are good times in Westeros.

Dany completes the conference and Arya demands a word with Jon. Outside, Jon is like “We’d all be DEAD if not for her” which is again DUH and Sansa snides “Arya’s the one that killed the Night King”. Arya wouldn’t have had the chance to kill the Night King without Dany’s armies because they’d all be DEAD. Seven Hells, you people are ridiculous. “We don’t trust her, ShE’s nOt OnE oF Us.” That is an absurd reason not to trust someone. I’m from New Jersey. It’d be like me about to be murdered and refusing help from someone because they’re from Florida. Don’t trust her because of her personality not because of where she is from.

And then, like a naive idiot, Jon actually thinks because he swore them to secrecy, Sansa and Arya will for sure totally keep his true lineage behind zipped lips.

This here was one of the scenes that made me roll my eyes so hard, they almost got stuck.

From that, thankfully, GoT moves on to one of my favorite scenes of the episode. Jaime and Tyrion sitting there over drinks gossiping like yentas. Jaime’s giving his younger brother all the deets vis-a-vis his liaison with Brienne. When Tyrion doesn’t say anything snide, Jaime is visibly uncomfortable, and Tyrion claims he’s happy Jaime is happy. 

And--

Tyrion has been waiting for ages to make tall person jokes.

He also wants to know what she’s like “down there”. Jaime calls him a dog.

But then Bronn shows up, finally after Creepy Qyburn hired him to kill Cersei’s “traitorous brothers”, a bit drunk off his ass, brandishing that crossbow. After he smacks Tyrion in the nose, he tells them that Cersei offered him Riverrun, but he knows the Queen is fucked after seeing Dany’s dragons, even with their depleted forces. And Cersei can’t pay up if she’s dead, so...

So Tyrion counters the offer. Highgarden for Riverrun. Bronn would be made Lord of the Reach. It’s certainly open now that House Tyrell has been decimated (RIP Olenna, you ultimate badass). Jaime blanches. How could Tyrion just give him Highgarden? Well hell, it’s better than being dead. 

Jaime doesn’t think Bronn will seriously kill them. Jaime is wrong.

Jaime scoffs Highgarden will never belong to a cuttrhoat but Bronn laughs pish-posh. Isn’t that how all the great Houses started? Kill a few hundred, they make you a Lord. Kill a few thousand, they make you a King?

Tyrion gives Bronn-y his word he’l give him Highgarden as long as they take King’s Landing. Bronn opts out of leading the fight, but wishes the brothers luck with a casual “Don’t die”.

The Hound yells “FFS!” when he meets up with Arya on the Kingsroad. Yep, they’re both goin’ Kings Landing way. Nope, Arya doesn’t really care to hang around, even if she is the hero after knifing that horned fucker. Yes, she probably will abandon the Hound again if he gets hurt.

They both have “unfinished business”. Arya to scratch Cersei off her infamous Kill List. The Hound, presumably, to finally fulfill our fantasy of Clegane Bowl!

Elsewhere, Dany is getting ready to leave the fucking frozen North, petting her dragons. And on this show, that is not a euphemism. One of them, presumably Rhaegal, takes flight.

While Drogon remains with her, that mama’s boy.

On the bridge, Sansa is watching Drogon and Rhaegal lift off, trying to shoot them down with her eyes.

Before he leaves, Tyrion tries to convince her one more time that Daenerys is it, or at least a way better option than Cersei, and he believes in her, her people love her, Jon loves her, etc, and he’d totes appreciate it if they were at least allies, and he turns to leave as the camera pans close on Sansa’s face; she calls him back to spilleth the beans..eth.

Did I win?

As Jon is loading up his Horshon Wagon, Tormund jokes that he’s not riding the dragon down south. Jon laughs that Rhaegal needs a break; he doesn’t need Jon weighing him down.

Tormund says that he has had enough of “the south” and plans to take the Free Folk back Beyond the Not Wall through Castle Black. It’s not home, not where they belong. Or, suddenly, where Ghost belongs either after EIGHT YEARS.

Yeah, this is where I RAGE.

Jon insists the North is no place for a direwolf and asks Tormund to take Ghost with him back Beyond the Not Wall, where he knows no one, will be lonely, and have to contend with even colder weather than what he’s used to. Tormund tells Jon that he has the “real” North running through his veins and “maybe” they’ll meet again before he departs and Jon goes to HUG EVERYONE. 

ALMOST.

RAGE! RAGE AGAINST THE JONCHINE!

I know, I know working with the CGI wolves is ExPeNsIvE, blah blah. I DON’T CARE. There are dragons that spit actual fire on this show. Y’all couldn’t substitute a real big, white, fluffy doggie so Jon could bid his furry friend a real goodbye?! This was the saddest scene in GoT history. Forget Ned’s beheading or even the Red Wedding. This right here is inhuman.

The episode’s director, David Nutter, tried to defend himself, weakly, by insisting he thought this way was more powerful. He obviously does not own dogs. Or any pets of any kind. He did not anticipate how much we all love our furry friends. As soon as the episode aired, Twitter lit up with #GhostDeservedBetter. Poor Ghostie. He lost an ear for you! You’re leaving forever. I snuggle my dogs when I just leave to go to the bathroom. I shall honor Ghost here, First of His Name, Protector of the Realms of Men, the One Eared and the White Furred, Warden of the North. Or at least Warden of the Woof. 

I had to watch this portion a few times to get the right screenshots so now I must go snuggle my own doggies. And tell them they are my own little direwoofies and I will never ever leave them. Especially for King’s Landing.

Jon “I’m the worst Wolf Daddy in Westeros” Snow rides off and Sam, Gilly, Tormund, and Ghost watch him go, even after his owner slighted him, because he is the goodest boi on the continent.

On the way to Dragonstone, Tyrion has immediately spilled to Varys because let’s be honest: Jon’s true parentage was always going to stay a secret for about, meh, an hour? And now eight people know--Jon, Dany, Sansa, Arya, Tyrion, Varys, Sam, and BranBot. Which makes it less a secret and more info. If the internetz had existed back then, the whole of Twitter would’ve known within fifteen minutes. #JongonSnowgaryen would trend worldwide. Westeroswide? 

I need to start following The_Mastr. 

People like Jon. They follow Jon (even tho he’s a terrible pet owner). If this were to get out, Dany would lose the North--Winterfell and the Vale. Sansa would see to that. 

Tyrion suggests marrying them and they could rule together. They love each other, but Varys ain’t so sure Jon could ever see beyond that whole “she’s his aunt” thing. And Dany doesn’t like to have her authority questioned. Then Tyrion cheerfully suggests that Cersei could end up killing them all anyway and that would solve their problems.

And then Guyliner Greyjoy comes out of nowhere and motherfucking shoots down Rhaegal!

I literally gasped “NOOOOOOOOO!” out loud when this happened. My animal-loving heart can only take so much, Game of Thrones. There’s a fan theory that technically we didn’t see Rhaegal die and two somethings appeared in the sky in the trailer for the next episode so he could come back with a vengeance. Please come back with a vengeance, Rhaegal. 

Dany is furious that Captain Maybelline shot her baby and orders Drogon to make a beeline for him. But afraid for her other baby’s life, she turns at the last minute. Euron, annoyed that he only took down one dragon, instead aims for the boat carrying Team Daenerys, which explodes under the force of multiple scorpion arrows. 

All of them swim to shore--all of them, except one. Just before the arrows flew, Grey Worm ordered Missandei to seek refuge on the skiff, and, when we shift to the castle gates, we see Cersei presiding over thousands of innocents who will be caught in the crossfire of war between her and Dany, her child (which she tells Captain Maybellne is his), and a captured Missandei.

In the War Room at Dragonstone--every Great House has a War Room, it seems--our merry band is presiding over a map of King’s Landing where Varys looks Dany in the eye and begs her not to attack the castle. They have Missandei, they killed Rhaegal, yes, but thousands of innocents are held inside the Red Keep, which is Cersei’s modus operandi. Varys pleads with her not to destroy the city she came to save but Dany believes she has a destiny to rid the world of tyrants, and she will fulfill it, no matter the cost.

That sounds vaguely culty, Dany. It wasn’t that long ago you were doing all you could to avoid a battle inside King’s Landing, cus you didn’t wanna destroy the city and the people you were gonna rule over. What happened? Don’t go all Aerys on us.

Tyrion suggests offering Cersei her life in exchange for the throne to avoid carnage. Dany knows Cersei will never go for it, but it’s good for PR, anyway. The people will know that Daenerys Stormborn tried to avoid bloodshed, and Cersei Lannister refused.

Take it back a few, Dany. Just a few, mkay?

At the hearth--there is always a hearth chat going on, and Dragonstone is no exception--Tyrion and Varys are having A Talk. Varys has served many tyrants, and they all talk about destiny and stuff. But, Tyrion negates, Dany has walked through fire and made dragons and lived, maybe she really is destined to rule the Seven Kingdoms. 

Varys considers How To Solve A Problem Like Jon Snow. Who may not be a problem so much as a solution. Who would make a better ruler, Jon or Dany? Varys knows Jon doesn’t wanna rule, which is partly why he bent the knee, but maybe a good ruler would be someone who doesn’t want to rule at all.

And Jon’s a dude, which, in ye olden times, was important. Also why he’s got a tighter claim to the throne than Dany does. They’re talking treason right now. Tyrion accuses Varys of abandoning all of the kings he served under. Varys reaffirms that he will always serve what’s best for the realm and the people, thousands of whom will die if the wrong person sits on the throne. 

Tyrion asks what happens to Dany and Varys gives him a look like “What do you think?” 

At Winterfell, the Northerners are rebuilding while Sansa and Brienne are being all secret-like, talking in whispers and glancing at Jaime. He follows them, having the creeping sensation that they’re talking about something that pertains to him. When he asks what’s up, Brienne tells him that they just got word of Guyliner Greyjoy’s ambush on Dany’s ships, Rhaegal’s death, and Missandei’s capture. 

And another for Jaime Reacting to Bad News screenshots:

BUT what exactly is he reacting to? That Cersei is going to die or that he isn’t going to do it himself?

That night, Jaime is watching Brienne sleep, then creeps outside to pack up his mighty steed to head back to the capital. Too bad Brienne wakes up and catches him. The city is going to be destroyed, they all know this. And Jaime doesn’t have to die alongside Cersei.

Jaime doesn’t think he’s a good man. He pushed a boy out of a window and crippled him for life (which led to him becoming BranBot) for Cersei. He strangled his cousin to get back to Cersei. He would’ve killed every man, woman, and child in Riverrun to get back to Cersei. She’s a monster. And so is Jaime.

And then he leaves and Brienne is heartsick and her POOR FACE. 

THIS EPISODE IS KILLING ME.

But--and I know a lot of other people think this, too--after I wrung my hands a bit, I thought about this moment. I think Jaime’s going back to K.L. to off Cersei himself, leaving Brienne to believe he left because he thinks he doesn’t deserve her. It still SUCKS but it’s less sucky than thinking he’d rather have his twin sister’s V. 

In said capital, the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki forces, along with Dany and her merry men, are lined up outside the gates. Cersei, Pirate von D, and Cersei’s ever lurking zombie Mountain are on the battlements with a chained Missandei. The camera sweeps to show both sides and when did King’s Landing get so FLAT?

Isn’t King’s Landing supposed to be all lush and hilly? What has Cersei done to the place?! This is Dubrovnik, ffs!

Creepy Qyburn comes out of the gates and Tyrion goes to meet him, Hand to Hand. Queen Daenerys demands Cersei’s unconditional surrender and the return of Missandei, unharmed. Queen Cersei demands Daenerys’ unconditional surrender. It’s a stalemate and they’re not getting anywhere so Tyrion tries to appeal to Creepy Qyburn’s logic. They have a chance to prevent bloodshed. To not cause the screams of thousands of children as hellfire is rained down upon them. It’s not a pleasant sound, Qyburn agrees. Alas, he still goes on about Cersei being the one true Queen so Tyrion pushes past him to speak to his sister himself.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are all--

Dany also thinks this is not a good idea.

Some of the Lannister army up on the battlements with Cersei and Co get their bows and arrows ready but as Tyrion approaches, Cersei waves them off with a smug smile. Calling up to her, Tyrion says he knows Cersei doesn’t care about the people of the Seven Kingdoms; they hate her and the feeling’s mutual. 

He mentions her children, her unborn child. How she loved them more than life itself. And just because her reign is over doesn’t mean her life has to end, her her child has to die. 

Just for a moment, one moment, it appears as if his words are getting to her. Cersei takes a deep breath, lets it out shakily. Lena’s acting in this instance is superb. And then, she crosses to Missandei as Dany and Grey Worm race toward the gate in alarm, and murmurs “If you have any last words, now is the time”.

Missandei’s last word?

With her last word, Missandei is telling Dany to fuck it all and burn King’s Landing to the ground.

Cersei gives zombie Mountain the nod to take off Missandei’s head, and poor Grey Worm can’t watch as the undead monster kills his girlfriend.

Dany shakes, turns, and walks away as Cersei smiles triumphantly.

The Mother of Dragons is so done fucking around, y’all.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh this episode was a ride. I wanted to wring SO many necks. Jon Snow, how does it feel to be the villain of the internet? Jaime, you best be headin’ back to K.L. to kill Cersei. Don’t you be breaking Brienne’s heart for nothing. Burn it all down, Dany! #Cleganebowl!

I am EXCITE for the penultimate ep. So EXCITE!

[iknownothingihearnothing]

BLAINEY!

I legit screamed when Barry showed up last week at the end of Schooled’s penultimate episode. And they ended the season together!

We’ve waited a decade about half a season for this reunion. My shipper heart is happy.

Now back to editing the Game of Thrones recap, which is full of death and blood!