#might be dif for other ppl :3

[matty-bear]

I write on wattpad OUCH 😭

SORRYYY don’t mean to be a dick or anything 😖 i used to be a wattpad writer myself so lowkey shit talking myself 😭 MOST stuff on there is cringy tho 💔

[wrongcaitlyn]

okay…so…we don’t judge for special interests here right…? cause i am very VERY intense with mine.

so my question is…have you ever thought about solangelos kids….

CAUSE I HAVE

I don’t have all of the lore sorted out rn but i know that they have three kids the first two are girls and the last is a boy.

but with their first daughter…i sort of have some of her stuff sorted out i mean it might change but…

SO (if you don’t mind me infodumping i just NEED to know someone else’s opinion and i have no other ppl who won’t think i’m crazy.)

first things first. Her name is wysteria (just a dif spelling of wisteria cause it looks cool) Bianca solace di angelo (or di angelo solace i can never decide…)

she has tanner skin and freckles but nico’s brown eyes and wills blonde hair. her hair is pretty dang long and sort of whispy almost like taylor’s at the start of her career. (also i find it funny if she were to just have the horrendous mash of an italian and southern accent lmao)

most of the time i imagine her she’s like 16-ish. she’s very kind and caring like will.

she’s either aroace or a lesbian or both i can’t decide yet-

she likes dresses over other clothes (we don’t judge a girl who knows what she likes even tho that’s a stereotype)

and her main powers are sort of a combination of hades and apollo but she more specializes in the light and dark aspects of the two gods.

SO she has really good light manipulation powers and can blind people and if she tries REALLY REALLY HARD she can make it a tangible object she can step on. she also glows cause idk it’s funny.

BUT she also has amazing shadow bending powers. she can again blind people but with obscuring their vision and she is MUCH better at shadow travel than nico is since her specialty is shadows. she’s not very great at the other hades aspects tho. she gets tired after like 10 jumps where nico gets tired after 1. so she normally fights by reaching out to the shadows and pulling them around herself and then zipping around the enemy and teleporting away before they can get to her. it looks very cool from afar. her main weapon is a stygian iron sword like nico’s but it looks kinda different and has some gold aspects. (hazel got the gold for her)

she loves music and to sing (ehem headcanon that she sung a version of nancy mulligan for one of nico and wills anniversary’s ehem)

but she is great all around and i love her even if i’m the only one who actually thinks of her existence.

help i just yapped so much very sorry but lmk your thoughts!

WE DO NOT JUDGE HERE (that'd be so hypocritical seeing as im the one who got so obsessed with nico being a popstar that i wrote 200k words and counting abt it..)

to be quite honest, i haven't! i guess that in my head i kind of will always picture them sort of as like 15 year olds, bc that's how they are in canon and i also always see them younger as me, so i don't spend that much time thinking about an aged up solangelo (despite the fact that they're nearly in their twenties in talk your talk, wow) but!!! i love this hc omg!!!

i love wysteria first of all😭 my mind automatically goes to the lakes, and i just think that's SUCH a solangelo song so ofc i think that's a perfectly fitting name!!!

personally i'm a fan of solace di angelo bc when you put it into google translate, italian -> english, it means "angel's solace" (and i know that google translate is far from accurate, but i just find that so cute <3) but also my brain says make it alphabetical order (so di angelo solace...) either way both are great!!

(also i find it funny if she were to just have the horrendous mash of an italian and southern accent lmao) YES. YES. THAT'D BE HILARIOUS. i just imagine that like some words she would pick up from nico with an italian accent, and then some from will with a southern accent, and then those blended together in a sentence would be so funny😭

i loveee diving into the light manipulation powers. i find it so nice to see the things that nico and will have in common and how they could work together with those powers, i think they'd be so powerful (and also it'd look really sick)

i love this!!! thank u so much for sharing :)

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas <33

Chill anon here

I was talking to C about random things and the convo started to turn sorta deep

There's this person my desk partner

She tells me i deserve love or compliments? Lets call her R

SO after C called me a people pleaser and R told me that R apparently went to C and started to tell C abt frndshp

and C mentioned that saying "I dont want R to interfere........ she doesn’t know how I am and other day she came to me giving me advice on frndshp and all

If anything hpns pls come to me"

And I said "Rlly damn bro didn't know tht

She literally said to me and I quote 'You are a person who deserves to be complimented ' I never told her anything honest"

C replied to this by saying "R just knows how to butter ppl up and it is all fake in the end" which is kinda true

I replied with "Maybe but its good to hear it sometimes"

She said "I just think tht in frndshp u shouldn't tell the other person they should automatically know"

I was sorta mad at this idk why I reponded with "U don't tbh

And yeah they should know but like from what I've heard and experienced it's good to know sometimes or tell them when u feel like smth is off"

now the main thing

I asked her "What is the deal with [name of thos fake ass bitches] Cuz the whole skl knows tht they r bullies and they hv bullied ppl in front of me so just asking 🤷"

C : "[My name] being vvvv honest they are like fine they r vv chill"

me : "Yeah chill is dif than being a bitch

Cuz ok acc to half the ppl they r like "cool" who just Cheat and get marks 🥲

And 😭 Sadly they r just influencing ppl (not u) to be like them" i mentioned the not u part cuz I didnt exactly wanna call her out like tht

SHE JUST FUCKING REPLIED WITH "Being honest in skl u get respect when u hv contacts" now basically on our skl if u hv good contacts u hv higher chances of being in smth and those fake as bitches hv v many contacts

I wanted to say u care more abt respect? But the answer was alrdy yes so i didnt ask

and also mom called me at tht time

so the convo ended

This is a VERY big rant

Tx for listening to me

Sending love ❤️

Hi!

First: I agree, friends should give you love, it shouldn't just be understood.

As far as the conversation...it sounds like you guys have different values, you know? It sucks because as you grow up sometimes you realize that values become more and more important in a friendship. Sometimes you're able to adapt and teach each other about your values, but other times they just don't mesh. And it sounds like here, you might want to look for some people to grow closer to who share similar values to you. I'm not saying she's a horrible person at all, it's just that she clearly is comfortable in her decisions and you're not, you know?

Sending love! <3

[wewfimapuppie]

idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.

[finex09]

Another year, another festival season baybeeee

i still have my gripes with insomniac and honestly fuck em, but i do have a few favs on the lineup and ppl i wanna see so ill be liveblogging the stream. As always, the tag will be "finex at edc" if you wish you blacklist my annoying ass, or if u wanna peruse the tag and see me go insane. ill also be livetweeting, if u wanna see me go crazy on 2 dif platforms lol anyways! they only have 3 streams for 3 stages, which are kineticfield, basspod, and circuitgrounds. I understand why, its a big festival and all, but id have LOVED to see the other smaller stages lol. This also means I missed the opening act, Nostalgix. SAD!

Currently watching: Kill Script on circuitGROUNDS. mans is slinging techno in broad daylight. good for him! good for him. might stay on circuit until either alison wonderland or jessica audiffred plays...we shall see lol

[lordbib]

Hi lord, are you still accepting asks? If so, 7,22,25,30. Have a great day!

7. 3 fruits that you love the most

1. mango!! its my grandpas favorite and whenever i go to my grandparents house he still cuts it up for me. My favorite is mangga gedong which is more colourful and is the best manggo in general

2. Durian!! its good and its not stinky i love it. i also used to eat this with my grandpa on ramadan after we break the fast.

3. Longan! they're nice and sweet and i can eat a lot of them like rlly fast. i can finish a pack of them in an hour or less hdjsgf.

honorable mention (im too indesicive leave me alone): raspberries! best berry fight me

22. 3 movies/books/tv shows that made you cry

ok but disclaimer EVERYTHING makes me cry

1. Inside out. Bing Bong. Traumatic.

2. Banana Fish. Self explanatory i was sobbing by the second episode holy shit it was bad. 9th episode i had to take 2 days not continuing out of sadness.

3. A Silent Voice. this hit me HARD i was sobbing baddd. Just how symbolic and how it explains the two povs of bully and bullied is just amazing. Go watch it.

25. 3 people you’d never get tired of

i cant choose so this will be like 20 dif ppl

1. My cousins Adri, Nay, and Jin. (tbh especially Jin) jhsdf. We've been really close since we were babiess. Me and Jin are 6 months apart in age and went to school together for like 10 years so yaa we basically saw each other everyday. Adri and i are further apart in age so i dont share my secrets as much with her then i do with Nay and Jin. Nay and i are reallyy close but not as close as me and Jin. Also Nay is currently in boarding school so sadly i only talk to her every two weeks or so.

2. Irls! my friends from my old school who ive known for 8+ years, and also friends from my current school!! Me and the girls from my old school still talk everyday and vc sometimess we have weekly zoom game times. Also my closest friend Sha who isnt answering my dm rn smh (thats a joke shes in school hihi) she is the one who got me into kpop (suprise i like kpop i might post more abt it later on)

3. proceeds to tag all of the levihan server naur but i genuinely never get tired of them hdjfg. let me attempt this hollup. @gremlinelrics @immagoudaboi @callantry @solborealis @mello-jello my lovely parents <3 love u all. also @glassesandswords and @renrampant are technically also my parents but Rens also my sister. dont question it our family tree is a tumbleweed. @snudootchaikovsky my dear grandma <3 @thexanwillshine my dear mother <3 holy shit how will i do this @malunggaybe @lilnazx @mashedpotatoforhanjo @thehyscriptures my dear siblings <3 and also all of these ppl:

@chili-aux @oyzoe @bluesylveon2 @cherryhatesmaths @djmarinizelablog @clickerisha @agoldenheartedsnkfan @free-pancakes @fanmoose12 and so many others i absolutely love with my heart but im way too scared to tag them omg scer sorry for the tag love u all sm <3 i would never get tired of all of u the server is very dear to my heart and i love u all <33

30. 3 moments you could never forget

(ill leave the trauma out of this hsdhs)

1. moving from my school of 10 years and also my friends of 10 years (during a goddamned pandemic too) but it was genuinely a sad and memorable moment a lot of experiences at that school and with those people are also very memorable

2. eids at my grandparents with my family eating, talking, playing. The last 2 eids we havent been able to do that because of the pandemic so i miss it a lott.

3. holidays with my mom! Theyre always really fun

[matoitech]

Different anon but I would love to hear more about how Galo being autistic affects his relationship with Aina

oh i would love to talk about this cuz i think its an interesting example we have of galo being autistic and most other characters not rly making much effort to understand where hes coming from or connect w him! so first i gotta mention that in canon theres a lot of wiggle room for interpretation with aina and her and galos relationship just due to how little time its given, but to me it FEELS like they want her to be a parallel to galo (ESPECIALLY true w the lake scene) so sometimes she comes off more as like, also autistic and just doesnt rly mesh in communication styles or understanding why her own attempts at reaching out 2 galo arent working (same as he struggles w his relationship w aina and other ppl, and why theres so many songs abt him and lio Getting Each Other) so like autistic in an opposite direction from him, and sometimes (esp in the ova) it feels like shes meant to b read as allistic and thats why they arent rly meshing. i think the latter is probably more likely to be the intention but the former can b a lot of fun cuz autistic aina <3 anyway moving on

so like to make this more organized im gonna skim thru the ova and the major scene w them from the movie, galo and burning rescue meet in his ova when he introduces himself to them by way of bringing up his special interests and what he assumes are their shared passion for firefighting and everything that goes along w that. ive talked abt this b4 w this scene, but galo bringing his special interests in2 the convo right away and introducing them alongside himself is both a super common autistic way to try to connect w people as well as say hey this is what im about. that obviously doesnt go that well as we get our first introduction of how burning rescue is gonna treat him for the ova and duration of the movie, aina included, in being kind of rude to him (except remi whose very ableist compared to the others) abt it n immediately treating him like an idiot for trying to communicate w them the way thats natural for him. this kind of solidifies how theyll talk abt him and communicate w him for the movie, even as they gain some respect 4 him for saving thyma they dont change how they talk w/about him

im not gonna go over everything in the movie but the lake scene w galo and aina has the very obvious purpose of showing that galo isnt interested in like the potential woman love interest the movie is pushing at him but IS interested in lio, it also serves various other functions some of which being 1) exposition 2) introducing galo and aina as being more alike (paralleled even) than they can rly understand thru their previous attempts at getting 2 know each other 3) SHOWING more how aina and galo have not rly gotten along b4 and showing thru their faltering attempts 2 connect that even if they have stuff in common this is not the romance u r going to get i this movie and they just dont like each other like that

aina and galos communication styles and humor both feel different to me and dont mesh that well, theyre both blunt tho in different ways (aina even told heris galo was ‘honest and too blunt for his own good’ which i think is funny coming from her lol) like galo tries to be expressive and hes got this thing abt Proving himself while aina more quietly does her own thing, galos rly genuine and doesnt rly get that other ppl might not b being genuine (which is smth kr*y took advantage of to lie to him and manipulate him), aina however is rly dry so it comes off as barbed when i think its unintentional and while there r points when shes kind of mean i dont think shes like, going out of her way to hurt his feelings i just think she doesnt rly recognize that galo.. HAS feelings? theres a certain way burning rescue (and in general other characters in promare) treat galo where hes dismissed as being just an idiot for.. being autistic rly and i think thats just smth aina did b4 they had more of a chance to talk one on one and make more of an effort. i dont think she rly treats him the same way she did in the start of the movie and the ova as she does the further the movie goes on. they just didnt know each other very well and no one rly made much of an effort w him b4 then

the long and short of it is that from what we see in the movie it affects his relationship w aina a very similar way it does w burning rescue as general (they function sort of like a single character at times) and galo and aina having dif communication styles (galos very explicitely bcuz he is autistic) shows in making it harder for him to have like, genuine connections and relationships bcuz while galo and aina both sometimes try to extend olive branches to each other (like i think they have trouble getting along but it helped to find common ground) them not rly understanding each other or why the other person does things the way they do was smth intentionally included 4 the straightbaiting bit to work and showing galo and aina wouldnt rly work together and galo and lio r more like. attracted to/intrigued by/instinctively understanding of each other and have that compelling them to get to know each other, n their experiences lend them dif levels of respect towards each other that galo and his coworkers never had. in a way even tho aina made an effort w galo later he had kind of moved on from trying to be friends with his coworkers by then and pursued his relationship w lio instead (again lots of dif reasons they get each other and vibed on a dif level than he had w other ppl, the obvious among them being theyre gay 4 each other lol), tho thats not set in stone n after the events of the movie maybe they can b friends now

anyway umm yes i think post promare galo and aina find ways to communicate better and i would like for them to be friends but like galo being autistic is legitimately the reason trigger gave for him getting off on the wrong foot with burning rescue lmao. it definitely affects his relationship w aina in that way even tho i think she started being more receptive 2 his way of communicating later on. hope this somewhat answered ur question, i have a lot of dif ways of viewing their relationship and characters. as always if anyone has specifics u want elaborated on or has smth 2 add i would luv to hear it

[bluepluto03]

Atla modern/yt au: no one except toph knows that Aang is the avatar

Things I didn’t need to do: spend four hours world building a whole modern/atla fusion au for a yt au

Things I did do: take a guess

Anyway I need to get out some Context b4 I explain the “only toph knows that aang is the avatar” thing

- basically I wanted to make a atla yt au w/ bending, but like an idiot I can’t just leave things alone so I made a whole modern world/atla world fusion

- I have another post focusing more on the yt aspect, this post is more focused on world building, including how aang affects the world by not being the avatar until much later

- so in this world the 100 yr war never happened. Roku defeated Sozin and the war + the air nomad genocide never happened. Someone else was the avatar after Roku, and aang wasn’t born (yet)

- instead Aang’s born a couple thousand yrs later in the equivalent of modern times in the avatar world, as is like everyone else for obvious reasons

- but in the time between a lot of different + important things happen

- for one a very parinoid Roku pulls up mountain ranges all around the edges of the earth kingdom cus he’s very worried about the fire nation attacking.

- And then lowkey disappears into the woods for fifty years

- at first ppl are kinda tense and thankful but over time and under a new fire lord ppl chill out. They start to realize that maybe being completely cut off from each other isn’t very good for them??

- a ton of earthbenders get together to level out this one massive area near the fire nation and northern water tribe. So they at least have room for one port instead of zero. over time a few other spaces are opened up but they’re small and not as well placed.

- The first port grows into a massive city that becomes a sort of combination of the four nations. There are different areas that have specifically fire, water or earth architecture/aesthetics, and a lot of areas where those different aesthetics are combined in different ways. There’s definite air nation influence but it’s the smallest in comparison to the other nations

- as this is going on Roku is just chilling in the woods going a little bit crazy?? Though he lives a mostly peaceful and happy life until he passes away when he’s nearly 200

- the next avatar (an air bender who is not aang) is kinda annoyed by what Roku did?? They’re mad about the whole separating the nations thing and set out to fix it

- they end up doing 2 major things. 1) removing a lot of the mountains Roku made and 2) basically setting up a universal education/apprenticeship system

- it gets expanded on a lot over the years, but the gist of it by the time the GAang are born is this:

1) u can sign up any age from 6-14, and advance as u pass classes. Ur required to sign up b4 age 14. (Aka why the gaang are all freind’s dispite being dif ages, they’re in the same ish classes)

2) the school teaches basic skills like reading, writing, math, etc to make sure everyone knows it but ur fam can teach u before hand if that’s what they want

3) everyone who goes is required to learn the basics and ideology behind all 4 bending styles. Even if ur a non bender. The point is to like keep everyone connected and build understanding between cultures

4) the school does provide free lessons with bending masters but students are allowed to seek out someone else if they wish. Or they don’t even need to learn past the basics if they don’t wanna

- anyway the avatar after Roku basically sets up the base of that whole system, plus a way for ppl to become certified as master benders. This post is getting real long tho so I’ll save that explanation for a different post

- the only other important thing that happens that I need to mention is the construction of the Central Air Temple

- the central air temple is built right near the port/city. it’s built kinda in 2 parts, the more private/religious area as well as a more public area where others can come to learn about air nomad culture, more reformed air Nomads might live, and where some businesses are set up. There’s plenty of both open and mountainous land in the area so there’s plenty of room to care for sky bison

- aang is born and grows up in the central temple. He (like a lot of air nomad children) doesn’t go to school until a lot later than children from other nations, around age 11-12

- he goes to school in the city and ofc meets the rest of the gaang who have moved to the city for various reasons, as well as others like teo and Haru

- also side note- in this Teo’s mother was a less religious air nomad and he grew up in the more modern lower half of the central air temple 

-ANYWAY the reason I needed to explain all that was bc a) I spent too much time on it not to share and b) u need to understand it to understand why aang has no clue he’s the avatar. (This poor stupid babey I love him)

- basically after the school system was implemented, they stopped testing to find the Avatar. It wasn’t needed if everyone was going to be learning the basics of all four elements! The avatar would obviously figure it out from that

- except uhhh,,,, whenever they’re doing that training they do it in big groups. And aang has awful adhd

- so yeah. He’s actually like.... bending water and fire and stuff but he doesn’t realize cus he’s not really trying too?? And there are a ton of other benders here! It must be from one of them, right?

- like, yeah when he does the fire bending poses he bends smoke, but obviously he’s accidentally bending zuko’s! Air and fire are similar enough. And yeah Sokka ends up mysteriously soaked, but Katara never admits when she does it, so it was obviously her

- and since he has the attention span of a elephant koi and no one else is paying attention it basically flies under every one’s radar

- everyone except toph, who thinks it’s fucking hilarious and refuses to say shit

- anyway they don’t figure it out until they’re in their mid 20s and everyone is like aang babe wtf

[doebt]

also what mods do u use for minecraft,, i wanna get some but idk what to do i just want more cute animals and plants and pretty things

also i use my laptop which can’t cope w too much lol

YESSS ANIMALS AND PLANTS AND PRETTY THINGS IS LIKE MY MAIN PURPOSE W MODS ok heres a list w links and brief descriptions so u kinda know whats going on <3 ill kind of categorise them too... 

some laptops seem way better than others at handling mods but i would say just pick and choose ur absolute favorites and if thats too much for it then take one out until its more manageable! my laptop handled mods very well but i dont think i had THIS many on it hadflkjghdfkjlghndklfjhg

under a readmore bc idk how long this will get LOL

animals:

ice and fire adds dragons and TONS of like fantasy animals and some scary mobs too!!! u can tame most of the animals and theyre all very unique and SUPER cool! u can ride some of them, theyll fight for u, etc... its very configurable like u can change spawn rates and stuff, i personally turned dragons WAY down so theyre very rare to come across, bc they kill u like instantly and also cause a ton of lag if theres a lot at once, and theyre default spawn rates are ummm too high lol. but yah this is one of the best mods i think ever probably...i love it sm its like a classic

better animal models makes vanilla animals look cuter and better and better animals plus (by the same ppl) adds a bunch of other animals that are rly cute! a lot of them are tameable and theyre very well thought out

genetic animals adds a bunch of dif breeds + colors and new breeding and feeding mechanics to farm animals, its kind of new but very well done but i really really love it! if you use it in conjuncture with better animal models, it replaces to vanilla farm animals but not the wolves and foxes and stuff, so they work very well together. also the chicken babies are like incredibly teeny tiny and adorable. and it lets you be able to ride llamas and cows with saddles and bridles... i could go on (this mod is what i use in place of animania, my favorite mod ever, but that one hasnt updated past 1.12)

alexs mobs also just adds a bunch of new animals, almost all of these are tameable and very unique, i LOVE that it adds crows lol you can also ride some of these animals once u tame them... u can also configure spawn rates for these if theres ones you dont want or want more of, etc. they update pretty often with new animals as well

realistic horse genetics is a super well done mod that makes horses come in wayyyyy more colors, it also has them come in different sizes and stuff...basically what it says in the name but its like. INCREDIBLY well done i couldnt live without it lol

exotic birds adds a ton of pretty birds! it also adds a rare phoenix you can obtain and tame, and ride, which is cool! you can keep birds in birdcages breed them and incubate eggs and all kinds of stuff

making stuff pretty:

biomes o plenty is super popular and really awesome, adds a tonnnn of new biomes with their own trees and wood types and plants and stuff! theres also some cool rare biomes (this mod also works well with all the animal mods); and some other biome mods i kinda cycle between are terraforged (also makes terrain generate better, smoother and stuff and super configurable! this works alongside mods that add biomes) and traverse is good too

macaws roofs, doors, windows, furniture, fences, etc are good for making ur houses pretty! i havent done much w this yet bc i havent built a house since i got it, but it looks really nice

diagonal fences does what it says on the can its suuper convenient and i like it a lot since i make a lot of animal pastures hehe... and it works with custom fences (so if you have macaws fences it will work for those too!)

fairy lights adds paper lanterns and string lights which look way better than torches! also lets u make flag banners and stuff

falling tree lets you chop a tree down in 1 swoop, and automatically destroys the floating leaves so u dont have floating trees and stuff everywhere...might seem cheaty but i like it lol (i also use this in place of dynamic trees, which makes trees BEAUTIFUL but, again, hasnt updated past 1.12)

i also use the unity resource pack (i like this one bc it makes colors more coordinated and muted! my ocd lollll i also like mizunos of courseee) and sildurs vibrant shaders (sildurs is pretty graphics intensive but the lite or medium versions are less so! there are also less intense shaders out there, this is just the one i use)... for shaders to work u need optifine (which also adds dynamic lighting! i.e torches will light the way when you hold them without placing them, stuff like that. its also just good to have, it optimises your game better to prevent lag)

SO YEAH LOL those are all the mods i use rn! some of these have dependents you have to download to make them work (like biomes o plenty requires open terrain generator) but they tell u that on the download pages and stuff, just look out for that <3 also most of these mods have wikis if you wanna know how to tame an animal or crafting recipes and stuff like that, i pretty much keep the wikis open whenever im playing lol. idk how much u know abt the like process of installing mods n stuff but if u need help hmu and ill try to help!

(sorry this is SO long btw but i wanted to be thorough and also have this in my minecraft tag in case anyone else is curious lol)

[mocweepe]

i have a question... how did you guys find out if you have identity compartmentalization(????) and do u think u could describe a bit of what its like? (sorry if uve already talked abt this)

ok so n case some1 who doesn know wht it iz comes across dis: 3 of have already explained wha it iz/how it worx 4 us here, here, n here (n chronological order) so u can see dohs real quick!!!!!!

also, i wana make dis note real quick: we r not an example of an endogenic system. while we r an example of plurality w/o DID/OSDD, we do not use terminology dat izn ours.

as 4 how we found out abt it...

well, when we realized being plural (n sum way, shape, or form) was a possibility, we began trying 2 pay a lot more attention 2 our behavior nd how we felt. wed regularly ask ourselves, "am i sunny? do i feel like im sunny?"

the first time it was clear it wasn me out (da zombie was firs), das kina when we knew we were plural. we call us a result of identity carpmentalization (IC) 4 dese reasons:

we know i have dealt w conflicting traits n how 2 rationalize dat, which iz wht causes da subconscious 2 sort dem n2 dif personas (personas=/=individuals necessarily) n da firs place.

we used process of elimination. we know we don have DID, n we're still doin research w OSDD admittedly, but w da information we had/still have, iz da most likely reason were plural.

a big difference between plurality w IC n DID/OSDD specifically, iz dat w DID/OSDD u have alters thru-out ur childhood n stuff, whereas w IC, ur aspects mightve developed l8r on, likely whenever ur trying 2 find an identity 4 urself (which, w developmental theories, usually happens n teen/early adulthood, buh sum ppl do develop faster/slower dan others), as das when ull rlly have 2 realize dese different personas exist n dey have 2, as well.

it should b noted, doh, dat not every1 dat has IC feels plural, iz only when dohs personas feel like individual ppl dat it results n plurality.

wht iz like 4 us:

iz a lot of asking like, "who am i rn?" n goin thru who we know iz here, n asking dohs individuals names (except 4 w zombie who doesn have 1 >> lolol).

if none of dohs fit, den dat means weve found some1 new, n we generally start w making our picrew, which might sound silly, buh being able 2 visualize wht we look like helps w naming ourselves n lets us express ourselves 2 show who we r n wht were like. den dey name demself n write deir official blurb (how we keep track) n w/e order dey want. den we introduce dem.

when were switching out, iz most usually been kina. smooth transitions if dat makes sense? da only time i can remember well iz when pearl was firs replacing da zombie. it was jus him, den dey were out 2gether 4 a bit, n den she took over so we could get ready. she kina followed a dif formula dan every1 else, nd nstead, mapped out who they r by having us like. interview them n da shower xD

iz kina hard 2 describe wht iz like being plural n general cuz like. iz not 1 person experiencing it, yk?? buh i hope dat helps at least sum maybe!! i know m not da only person plural thru IC, so if u r, pls feel free 2 add ur experiences!!!!!!! ty ^♡^

ending:

usually questions like urs, anon, r asked when folks r questioning whether dey have/r someting or not. if das da case w u, i rlly hoped dis helped, n i wana wish u luck on ur journey 2 finding dis out ^♡^

if u were jus asking out of curiosity, doh, das totally fine 2, n i hope i answered well enuf 2 quench dat curiosity <]]] either way, if u (or ne1 else) have ne more questions, wed b happie 2 answer dem!!!!! have a good day!! ^♡^💞💞💞💞

[mythykl]

class 1A in a discord group chat,, part 2 LADIES AND GENTS**

AKA BEAR W ME PART 2  (consider reading part 1,, cool)

Aoyama

smol caps,, and shit lotta puns. i mean i can’t even-

online 24/7,, even texts while in class at times. does this creepy thing of texting on the group and then keeps starin at the person of whose reply he expects ofc he did it w bakugou as well and this dude just screamed of blowin his face,, n stuff

once him and momo continues talkin about dif kinds cheese,, while others were in midst of a gameplay lmao

his texts sound fancy af,, considering how less he types,,, and w no abbreviations

replies in french to piss off ppl,, are we surprised here??

Ojiro

took up denki’s habit of goin’ all ‘bwyhuewdhvf’ in text when he’s angry or frustrated

he’s THE PRO GAMER, had a yt channel w 173k followers as well, before comin’ to UA, when it comes to fortnite and gta,, has a massive minecraft fort and shit just like the one pewds built

especially,, considering the fact that he has nothin’ in his room but a mere PC

the one who gives tips on gamin’ but surprisingly doesn’t really reply a lot on discord

replies w lotta abbreviations and memes

Koji

kyoka was the one to make koji sign in discord

isn’t a really good gamer, but has taken lotta liking in em’ since joinin in the groupchat

replies w gifs,, especially the ones of animals and pokemon lmao,

also,, the one who sent the maximum cat videos and gif in reply to shoto’s-love-for-cats-paras

again, never has been the one to get teased here,

and,, also is the voice of justice if someone else is being teased

Rikido

he never gets sarcasm,, pretty much always serious,, but doesn’t threatens to kill em’ like bakugou does

also,,, gets anxious when someone doesn’t get that he’s joking. ya.

surprisingly,, types super fastttt

no emojis, yet expresses stuff through symbols- i mean uk- :,(( and ;)) anddd 3> etc. 

Mezo Shoji

lotta puns as well,, just lying around

again, types pretty fast

has good gaming reflexes

one of the active participants in the late night textin’ sessions regarding fashion- along w momo, denki, aoyama, Toru and whoever else who would like to give their two ounces. 

Sero

never really online,, prolly has put the group chat on mute as well

well, once he comes online,, the greeting simply range from ‘dude didn’t know u still alive?’ to ‘did you tape yourself to the ceiling again??’

somehow,, he always has dif yet crack worthy replies to such texts

uses lotta emojis,, but 

doesn’t really play video games but is legit online 24/7,, and is considering to delete the account cuz’ he doesn’t like social media

Tokoyami

replies. so. fuckin’. slowly,,

yet always puts in valid points,, everyone just goes ‘damn’, ‘never realised it’ and wut not-

a good story teller on chats,, surprisingly, has hell lotta haunted tales of his native place,, ya,,,

uses large caps a lot even foe casual texts, to the point that it confuses others,, not an emoji hoe ofc.

pop references at it’s epitome,, he’s out there replyin’ w deep af lyrics

doesn’t understand any meme refrences,, i mean his meme knowledge is just,, blahhh

Toru

was asked by Ashido to fuckin’ make a discord already,, right guys,, this baby was the last one to join in

there was lotta refusal involved,, considering how much likin’ she has taken into this group chat now- aka always online

has the most creative replies and comebacks,, i mean- better comebacks than denki

replies w hell lotta emojis and gifs,, *has a mindblowing gif collection’

down. for. gossips,, hey Ashido u online????

Kyoka

behold the queen of memes, sarcasm and overflowing humour,, bitches.

cracks the most witty jokes,, i mean,, you might pay her as well to simply insult you

replies w memes, not a lot tho,, well you get it

conspiracy talks- starring kirishima and kyoko,, every night at 12pm,, i.e at a time when you’re suppose to be sleepin’,, but you don’t, cuz’ u as well a conspiracy hoe,, seeking for some big pp knowledge which at times ALSO requires the death of a few brain cells as an ultimate sacrifice.

always down for a good gameplay and the post-game talks and rants

smol caps,,, that’s the real deal. n no emojis.

the only one who gets ALL THE POP REFERENCES thrown by tokoyami,,

w the most creative burns lmao

you may as well call her the voice of truth,

Mineta

ashido lowkey regrets askin’ this dude to join the group chat,, i mean we’re already familiar w the incident 

i mean- his explicit descrption of uk wut to iida-

plays episodes,, ya he does. you can’t even deny that.

the one who gets burned the most, are we even surprised??

replies w hollywood pick up line, ugh

always online,, i mean- does this dude even sleep???

had accidentally left the group,, and wasn’t added back for a week. ya. again,, the incident.

bonusss,,, Eraser Head aaHHhhhhhh

.

.

.

jk. he’s mad,, cuz’ its midnight already and the class isn’t asleep yet

(consider reading part 1 if you haven’t yet,, cool)

bye.

[bi-bobbysoxxers]

Heyy y'all! I was tagged by @meiyanaalexia Thanks for the tag, fam!

Rules: List ten of your fave female characters from your ten fave fandoms and then tag 10 other ppl!

This list is by no means comprehensive or a ranked list, as i think all my fave characters are equally bad betches, in their own right xD alright let's get to it!

-Tamari and Lady Tsunade (Naruto/Naruto Shippuden)

Tamari's one of the more cool, levelheaded female side characters in naruto and idk, she's very much Gaara and Kankuro's rock, and idk, i like that. I view her as a very strong female character, and i think she carries a lot of badass masculine energy. Plus she's a badass fighter as well. (((And she's hot but that's beside the point lol))) I like Lady Tsunade a lot, but i admit, i wasnt a fan of her at first. But now that I'm seeing her character unfold in Shippuden, I like her a lot. I like the concept that she's kiind of a grouchy, reluctant leader of the leaf village, cause that makes her seem like a very reliable leader, in a way. I think she's hella underrated as a strong character, tbh. Plus i like that she's a healing ninja, cause it seems so opposite to her outward personality. The more i watch naruto the more i'm really liking more of their female characters, tbh.

Quotes!

Tamari: "Sharpen your karma at sunset."

Tsunade: "People become stronger because they have things they cannot forget. That's what you call growth."

-Lucy and Kiyoko (Bungou Stray Dogs)

oh wow, uh, not gonna lie, i really like this anime more for most of the male characters, but Lucy and Kiyoko have alswas been in my faves list. I didnt really understand Lucy's character in season one but as the plot thickens, so does her issues with wanting to morally become a better person, but still being fairly new to learning to become selfless. I think a lot of people can relate to her because she can be fairly emotionally erratic, and she struggles with the whole "forgiveness thing." But later on you see that all she really wanted was a true family and friends that value her. And i think that's something we all want, deep down. Also, her powers are highly unnderrated and badass and i love how she is slowly becoming a protector for ppl like Atsushi, which really shows her growth as a character.

I also put Kiyoko on this list because i think she is equally as good of a female character as Lucy is, but for dif reasons. I loveeee the whole concept of "initially bad" characters soon wanting to become good. There's a simplicity in her character that i think models Atsushi's in a way, i mean they're both damaged, but both yearn to do good and make a comeback with the chances they've been given in life. If Lucy was a Tarot Card she would be the Fool. I also love how steadfast she is in her newfound family and how much she believes in everyone in the ADA now. It's very wholesome and pure :3 also i love her and Atsushi's relationship, it kinda reminds me of me and my BFF's ride or die relationship, lol.

Lucy: "Make sure you survive...Then come back for me. I'll be waiting."

Kiyoko: "I saw a bright world. I cannot go back to a time when I didn't know such a thing existed."

-Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter)

Ugh, there's so many things about this character that I have always loved and adored. Her character design, her quiet whimsical weirdness. Her determined loyalty to the people that accept her. Her lovely simple wisdom, at times. Like Harry said, Luna is just "...coooll." She kinda reminds me of me when I was a teenager but way cooler lol.

Luna: "My mum always said things we lose have a way of coming back to us, in the end."

-Lara Croft (Tomb Raider movies and videogames)

Laura is....a simple character by design. If anything, the plotlines and video game design of the Tomb Raider franchise are way more intricate. And yeah...there's her misogynistic character design (Note: the impossibly snatched waist and bOoBiEs in earlier games.)

BUT. I still stan her for a multitude of reasons. Growing up, there were may more princess characters than female warrior characters and ya know, I'm really glad I was exposed to Lara Croft movies and the Tomb Raider: Legend video games as a kid. I think Laura taught me that you can definitely embrace your feminine side and still be a badass and follow your dreams. Even now, after me finally figuring out i'm not cis, i know, that she's still an icon for most kids out there. And for me too. She was a symbol of bravery, intelligence, as well as still being a character of emotional depth, grieving the loss of her parents while vowing to continue to do what she loved, which is exploring. Cultural and moral problems with her character aside, i still find both her and her stories very inspirational, both as a bigender queer person, and as a designer.

Laura Quotes: "The line between our myths and truth is fragile and blurry."

"The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are."

-Scorpia (She-Ra)

Oh wow, i could go on for days about how much i love thus character. If you're queer or fun in any capacity you've probably watched the final season fo She-Ra by now and spoilers aside, i just love the journey this character went on from start to finish. Scorpia is so genuine and nice, and sometimes that puts her in situations where she has to make hard decisions. And idk, those decisions just made that character so much better for me. On a lighter note, Scorpia is great queer rep, especially for butch lesbians, lesbians, trans ppl, androg ppl, and gender nonconforming ppl. She's always said things that have resonated with me as a queer person and aside from that, she's a very excitable and fun character. She just excudes so much curiosity and joy that you really can't help but like her, lol.

Scorpia: "I am brave, strong, loyal, and i give great hugs!"

-Sypha (Castlevania)

Altho I personally don't view Sypha as a cis woman, (I see her as nonbinary or agender), I think the way characters treat her in the show is indicative that in that period, they view her as a woman. So i figured I could put her on this list as well lol. Anyways, uhhh wow, Sypha is great, there's so much I love about her that it's hard to put into words. I love that she regards herself as a "scholar" of magic, but still views herself as a heretic, I just find it pretty funny and very sexy of her lol. Aside from that, I think Sypha is a great character who always seeks out logic where there usually ends up being none. I love her cheeky remarks to both Alucard and Trevor, and I love her can-do attitude. At the end of the day, she's one of those characters you love just for her great energy she carries for herself within the show. There's really no rhyme or reason to her, she just, is. She subverts many female mage character tropes as well, being a natural badass. Also her god jokes are so damn funny.

Sypha: "See?? God hates me!?

-Aunt Sarah (Derry Girls)

Okay first of all, if you havent seen Derry girls, pleaseeee watch it, holy shit it's the funniest show i've seen in a longass time. Second of all, my friend and I are still going thru the show, but Ajnt Sarah has started to become one of my favorite characters. She's one of those very aloof characters that you kinda ignore at first but then her character just has these amazing one liners and she really grows on you. Also she is very caring about her family and she's cute as hell???? I'm sorry but like her aesthetic is just on fuckin point, like??? Go off babe?? Anyways yeah she's cute.

No quotes for her since that might ruin some of the better punchlines if you end up watching the show lol.

-Marga (Cable Girls)

Yeah, if you want a really good 1920's drama that focuses on women, go give Cable Girls a try! It is very poetic in its direction lol. Anyways, Marga is one of the "new girls" at the beginning of the show and she is just, so earnest, and genuine, and pure. And I love her. She's very nice to the other girls working and she's got some great one liners. She's that timid, cute character that slowy comes out of her shell throughout the show lol.

-Kiki and Sheeta (Studio Ghibli)

I loveee Studio Ghibli films, and one of my two fave films of Miyazaki are Kiki's Delivery Service and my ultimate fave, Castle in the Sky. I adore Kiki as a character because she is your quintessential cute witch, and her journey with finding and grasping her full powers are very relevant to me, and my journey with upholding my creativity as a designer. As well as being a great movie with a great lessom for all artists, Kiki is a very passionate and genuine character, who's resilency has inspired me in hard times. I love her relationship that she has with other ppl as nd creatures, especially with her cat Gigi. She's cute, i love her lots.

Sheeta, I love for different reasons. Sheeta is one of those rare instances where a quiet protagonist, really works. I love her calm and humble, yet powerful energy surrounding her. I love her background, and how there has always beem magic inside of her, even if she's not a practicing witch. She is so very humble and a very introspective character. There's not a lot of female protagonists quite like her. Plus she's adorable as well, lol.

-Aunt Hilda, Zelda, Prudence, and Lilith (CHAOS)

I'm not gonna get into super specifics since i love all these characters equally, but I will say that all these characters absolutely MADE this series for me. I personally found Sabrina's character very annoying and slightly egotistical (i mean she's allowed to be i suppose,lol) but these characters were just so much fun!

I love Aunt Hilda for her soft personality and great revenge comebacks. I love Prudence for her aesthetic, character design, and amazing characrer development throughout the series. I love Lilith, for being both a BAMF and. MILF, lolz. And finally, i absolutely adore Zelda's character, for being so poised, calculating, blunt, and yet so very badass and loveable xD I love everything about her character, tbh.

There's so many good quotes from each character, so just watch the show, lol.

Andddd i think that's it! Sorry this was super long, I wanted to state my reasoms for why these characters were on the list, lol. Hope you liked some of my character analysis, feel free to screech with me about shows anytime lol. I'd love more good show recs!

You def don't have to go as hard as I did on this but I tag:

@heathen-beast @iquotetheravennevermore @sweet-communist @gardiewithyou @sawayakakuns @shortlady72 @thatonegirluniverse @thatlowkeyhipster @letting-and-living @beauxxxtifullies @catastrafey

Anyone else can participate if they feel like it! Have fun lol. Let's love our great women characters lol.

[malazansapper]

autism month april

april 12: social skills/communication. whats hard?

well, suppose the most obvious is i have been nonspeaking for maybe 10 months now. i dont consider this hard, but i think others ppl do.

what do i consider hard?: initiating. sharing. turn taking/entering convo. make friends. interaction with others ppl. asking help. express opinion. express need. express want. time. energy.

how does manifest:

initiating: there is a story from my childhood. family friend drives me home from sports event (maybe 3 hour trip). decides to make a social experiment: will not speak to me and waits for me to introduce a topic. result: 3 hours of silence. i am not able/inclined to initiate social interactions.

my father did used to make a story/analogy for me of how to have a conversation: it is two ppl carrying a log, and [he would try to explain to me] i am having to do my part to carry the other end of the log. it is funny that the given was that i must needs participate or am presumed able to.

sharing: this one is more nuanced? i think it ties into how easy i am to take advantage of [my mind: if they are asking to use my thing, there must be desperate need, and also a kind of reverse of that: i do not often think to attempt share my mind], and also into a kind of black/white yes/no mindset [boundaries are hard]. regarding social: i am mostly holding everything back and in. because there is not a: open the gates a little. is either on or off. having on leads to me getting hurt and overwhelmed. off is {easier?}safer, but leads to problems. i should like figuring this out better.

storytime: dangers and being taken advantage of, to illustrate: family vacation: i was put on plane alone to foreign country: travelling is fine, i usually just sleep the whole time. was supposed to meet sisters at other airport (starting travels in dif city] arrive, and many breakdowns: no sisters, no phone/communication with family, only address of where to end up. i get marked, shuffled off to moped self taxi. arrive after maybe hour. told to pay a couple hundred dollars [for taxi from airport). i do, but have to go to bank with this person. mostly end of it: my family says: you did WHAT?! {really just blamed me or took a laugh from it: again in my life no consideration of how i did end up in the situation or why}i could easily have been taken anywhere or told to do anything and i probly would have complied.

turn taking: again the conversation log: this has been an issue for forever. entering a conversation: i raise my hand and wait to be called on hahahahah. every situation. either that or i just have my responses in my head and watch the others.

make friends: none friends. had parent arranged friends growing up: physical group play, physical activities {like swim pool} closeness with sister: drifted some. tried being friends with roommates last year and ended disaster, with me losing my house hahaha.

asking help: best example is first time i crash/burn at college. went as long as i could manage (love learning and books). got to be too much (not the book work, but all other stuff). withdrew/isolation. fail classes through not participate. none questions, no help: i leave, they send away. didnt know what to ask for, and no one else thought to suggest anything was amiss. taylor trivia: is yale dropout hahah. splendid rare book library. i wanted to be a wizard hahahahha

aside: i am thinking this is a fundamental flaw or difference in how autism is recognized. there is a presentation that is inward focused. some ppl are having much brain processing power. ppl are singular. with this: sort of magic: deflections, illusions. ppl assume things. leads to problems. can hold together for a long time. cracks cracks breaks

ppl look for the ppl that act outwardly. or the inward ones who dont quite deflect in the right way. illusion: master

express myself: so difficult with words or to another person [saying this way, because i believe i do express/communicate, but differently]

i am slowly getting better at asking for help? im not sure this is true hahahh. i think my need has finally overtaken what i can withstand. i start recognize that i am needing and might be available help. ssi/ssdi, programs, etc. luckily i can do paperwork and waiting: what else is new, has been waiting decades. recognize: oh, maybe these are for ppl like me. or maybe i finally have some understanding gained

[edit: how could i forget the classic: eye contact: none. some ppl tell me to look at them. my father and a therapist come to mind. is a home video with me dad, and he has to prompt me: come here; look at me; stop bouncing around; talk to me. hahah :(:(:( sometimes i am thinking: it is so personal, it is too much. both ways. sometimes i watch mouths, often just looking away, processing, or waiting for the speaking to be finished hahahah]

[edit 2: the phone: hrm, i use the relay system now, so i think the change is that i have less anxiety about it. i still plan out what will be needed and said, start thinking about it the day before, but having the whole interaction typed is so much easier to me.]

[loriinae]

recent mental health happenings

don/t re/blog this pls thx

me, for 1.5 months @ the psychiatrists office for a checkup: im doing great! i cant think of anything troubling me

psychiatrist: wow! you dont sound depressed at all, sounds like the meds r doing good for you. ill keep you on the same stuff and ill see u again in 3 mo

immediately after, someone points out ive been a bit distant, and ive realized other ppl have been making comments here and there abt it ... its fine its ok ive been good even if ive been a little detached its just cus im busy (work/school/recent health troubles meaning frequent dr/pharmacy trips)

me, a week later: crying almost daily and feeling on edge abt everything

me, now, after eating/practicing driving/buying smth online: i feel alright! i can do this! i just have to get thru this. it wont be bad forever

and yet.... in the back of my mind... i kno if i think too hard abt any one subject ill start crying. maybe i should just keep myself busy? but that makes my stress build up and i have a crash.. existing peacefully is hard ):

less vague, medical stuff, ive been feeling self conscious abt myself bc im taking 7 pills a day (4 of which are the same med, so 4 dif prescribed pills) and i have to do a daily morning/night nasal routine and i havr to do this for a month (normally its just 6 pills) and i kno i shouldnt feel BAD abt being on lots of meds and that its not a bad thing. and yet ... bad feelings happen. i think it might be partially from my mom telling me every other day that i should wean off my pills someday and that i shouldnt rely on them longterm

im on extra stuff bc of a ears/nose/throat specialist whos trying to help me with my weird scent problem. idk if ive mentioned here before, but ive had inconsistent occurrences of some strange smell since december... im bad at describing smells, but it gets worse if i forget to brush my teeth, eat/smell greasy/sugary foods, use makeup sprays or visit makeup stores, drink alcohol... ive asked ppl around me if they smell anything, and ask them to smell my breath, but its just me... blowing my nose makes it worse? and it usually goes away after a night of sleep but sometimes it doesnt. it shouldnt be a big deal but sometimes it gets so unpleasant its distracting, or so foul i cant eat. anyways idk what the hells going on and so far the specialist doesnt either. so ive spent $160 on 2 specialist visits, an antibiotic prescription for sinusitis (which i dont have), and a CT scan to check my sinuses (which are perfectly fine). i have another $10 prescription, and an allergy test scheduled (prob another $50) and another specialist appt (def another $50) but i feel like im throwing my money down the drain while the problem persists /:

on top of that, im trying to work on car stuff, since im 20 and dont have my license and im relying on other ppl for rides even tho i got a car... but my car was cheap on cargurus and we've sunk a lot of money fixing stuff (also fixing things i caused... ie accident repair and battery repair - the battery died bc i hadnt been driving it) and we're spending more... also i dont think ill get over my car anxiety for a while

SO work/school/normal health stuff + extra health stuff/car stuff im....... very very stressed. on top of that im having some social stuff going on. and idk if the problems are real problems, or my stress makes me think its problems... either way it also adds to my stress. also makes me feel like i cant talk to anyone abt my stress so im posting this instead!!

anyways. i should be working on hw i have a rough draft due tues, a test on wed, as well as a big paper (10% of my class grade) due on wed. and i havent started work on any of it ���

i would greatly appreciate kind words from friends , or strangers ... ough

[cereul]

ugh. so like we r doing a roommate search to join me in my room. and the problem is we need someone to start in summer and continue at least until fall. and most ppl who responded only want to start in fall. felt bad bc we had to turn down this SUPER cool girl bc she only wanted to stay for fall but ... ik neither me or my current roommate can handle 3 dif ppl with us in one year.... like.. both of us take a long time to warm up to ppl... so i got excited bc 1 girl wanted to stay a full year, then one of my good friends said she might wanna live with us. but then that other girl said nvm and so did my friend T-T which. lw expected that of my friend. was kinda blindsided by that other girl. so now we have to scramble for someone else and might have to settle for this girl who can come in july but not june :( i just wish my friend couldve moved in... bc me and current roommate both know her and love her.... or i wish she just hadnt mentioned it at all :((( life is such pain

[unloneliest]

hi i don’t think pan ppl are transphobic, just because bi ppl can be attracted to 2+ genders and pan are attracted to all doesn’t mean pan ppl or bi ppl are transphobic. i deal w panphobic things anytime anyone mentions pansexuality and i really thought your blog would be safe from that. i'm pan and don’t use bi bc i recognize i'd be attracted to someone regardless of gender identity as long as i find them attractive (and this has nothing to do w seeing trans ppl as a dif gender), if they're 1/

this is a long post & i want ppl to have the option 2 skip it so i’m putting it under a readmore; above all else i’m so thankful that you sent me these asks and deeply sorry that i rb’d something that made you feel unsafe on my blog. i agree with you; i don’t think bi or pan people are inherently transphobic and i’m really sorry i implied that with that post!

2/ if they ID as demiboy or demigirl, or genderfluid or anything else that isn't binary, then i really don’t care. i'm not saying bi ppl can’t feel the same since i said bi people are attracted to 2+ genders or all, but pan is rooted in the emphasis of all gender identities. yes theres a lot of overlap but just... i'm hurt that you'd rb smth like that, i understand the last line of its root in transphobia but being gay/straight and so many other things have issues that clash w other LGBT+ IDs

3/ if anything, i've dealt with internalized panphobia and homophobia, i just never felt comfortable with saying i was bi, not because it was "boring" or "binary" but bc everyone would just assume i was attracted to guys and women which was never the case and saying i was pan allowed for me to show that i knew that there are more than 2 gender identities and that i was attracted to all of them

hi its the 3 pt ask anon and its like i completely get why bi ppl would be upset w pan ppl but its just so hard when both are oppressed and one of the most common arguments is like: we aren't seen so we have to be seen first before you try to get into this too. i get why biphobia exists but the same biphobia exists for pan ppl. so many ppl say you're just straight bc of a het relationship or you're just bi then. or the whole theres only two genders argument. and its like i'm as open to dating

5?/ anyone. i genuinely do not care about whichever gender they ID as since i just find ppl attractive for being attractive. and bi ppl can be the same. there is a LOT of overlap and i'm not going to dismiss any worries or concerns. all i know is that the pan community i've surrounded myself with to find love in my sexuality and community have constantly explained that theres overlap but it depends to the person and neither sexuality is transphobic so i try to never overstep or invalidate either

but thank you for listening, so many ppl just invalidate pan voices who try to put both bi and pan ppl into view while acknowledging how theres overlap but theres a difference. its hard feeling invalidating when all i (and others) do is be as inclusive as possible and try to never overstep. i listen to others worries like you do and i've learned so much from your blog and your rbs which i appreciate. it was just hard seeing panphobia & biphobia when i've tagged both to filter the words out

8?? sorry i lost count/ ty again for listening

hi and again just. thank you, for sending me these. i’ve privated the post for now, because i don’t want to hurt anybody but i also don’t want to avoid accountability 4 hurtful actions; i’d most like to delete the post but probably only will if you’re ok with that. and if i ever rb something that includes biphobia or panphobia i’ll do my best to always tag them.

and again i’m so sorry to have rb’d a hurtful post especially bc that runs so opposite to what i want to be doing with this blog & i know that when i’ve found something hurtful shared in spaces i viewed as safe it’s somehow hurt a lot worse than when i’ve encountered hurtful attitudes in places i was expecting it. 

in retrospect the phrasing on that post was Not kind, & didn’t convey the nuance i read into it. my baseline assumption of both bi and pan people is that neither group is inherently transphobic; both identities have extremely similar experiences and my perspective on different lgbtq+ identities in general is that our strength is in solidarity and isolating/separating can be really dangerous to the lgbtq+ community’s ability to thrive and work on making the world better and safer for us all. 

i’m really glad that you’ve found love and support within the pan community and i have all the respect and admiration in the world for my bi and pan siblings in the lgbtq+ community! being able to find folks who share your identity and to find pride in yourself together is so healing and important and i’m so glad for the times i’ve experienced that in my life as well. 

you’re right that all communities do have issues with transphobia, and i normally wouldn’t join in on other identity’s in-community conversations; i thought about that when reblogging the post earlier but i do my best to rb posts asking people to examine if their beliefs and identity might be formed on transphobic assumptions when it comes to all labels and that’s why i did originally rb. i do my best to rb a lot of posts asking wlw to examine potentially transphobic ideas they might hold, because i’m an afab nonbinary wlw and so regardless of the fact that i’m not cis, i have a lot more privilege than trans women do in wlw spaces and i know i need to be doing what i can to make wlw spaces safe for trans women & girls.

and the post i rb’d did just have pretty shitty & confrontational wording, which i didn’t think about when rb’ing it. i’m sorry again for that! 

my reasoning in rb’ing that post was the same as when i rb posts asking wlw to examine their views; not that everyone of the groups in question are inherently shitty in some way, but that we all could use reminders to reflect sometimes and that occasionally people will be misinformed or have a shitty view/shitty views - but that that’s not the norm. i also felt more ok rb’ing this post bc i for a very long time id’d as bi, and my attraction as a lesbian still is to women and nonbinary people who don’t feel misgendered by the attraction of a lesbian; some people would call me bi for that, but it’s a common lesbian experience. i really relate to what you said about choosing pan because it really clearly sends the message that you’re attracted to people regardless of gender, bc i chose lesbian as a label bc it sends the message that i’m Not attracted to men! it’s about how i want people to see me.

my reading of the post was connected to experiences i had with some pretty shitty transphobic ex coworkers; they didn’t know i wasn’t cis, but a number of my coworkers at the time were bi. transphobia/biphobia tw for the rest of this paragraph/ the ex coworkers were pan and they adamantly told me/other coworkers that bisexuality was attraction to men and women whereas pansexuality was attraction to men, women, and trans people. my assumption based off of them wasn’t that pan people are transphobic/that pan as an identity is inherently transphobic, but that they as individuals sucked and were transphobic & biphobic?

that experience does touch on what the post was about though, i think. since the bi manifesto written in 1990 “official” definitions of bisexuality have been stating that bi doesn’t just mean attraction to men and women, and that there are more than 2 genders; it’s society’s biphobia that causes people to think that bisexuality isn’t inherently inclusive of more than 2 genders/inherently inclusive of trans people. its clear to me that you know there’s overlap in the communities and that you’re not transphobic and again that’s my baseline assumption of pan or bi people! ik that stinkers are always the exception in communities.

i rb’d the post because i think self reflection on internalized bs is good, and i didn’t realize how confrontational & potentially shitty the post was; i’m really sorry that i rb’d it and made my blog feel unsafe & i’m going to do my best to be more thoughtful in the future. i hope that me sharing why i rb’d it doesn’t come across as an excuse, either; i’m just hoping knowing my intentions might help w/ the experience. 

(if ppl must know, link to the post here )