#might as well tag him

[sofitai28]

last minute low effort late Halloween post :3 points for whoever knows who I went as (although I suspect tumblr users will get it more than my irl friends. this also doesn’t look like me but. whatever)

[posletsvet]

Thoughts on Geto Suguru's Psychology Pre-Defection

There's something that I've been meaning to talk about for a while now, and that is Geto's apparent tendency to conceal his negative impulses that allows for, in my view, faulty interpretations stating that he was faking his righteous beliefs all along just because assuming high moral ground gave him a sense of superiority and fed his ego. Meanwhile I would argue that, on contrary, this habit is more indicative of Geto's insecurities and heightened sense of self-awareness.

My thoughts on this underneath the cut, but beware: it's going to be long!

To begin with, I think there are two major factors playing into the misconception that I mentioned. The first one boils down to prejudice forcing people to look upon younger Geto through the lense of a person he would go on to become. The kind of cautious logic that says that a deeply empathetic, caring highschooler couldn't have turned into a murderous cult leader preaching the merits of genocide, and thus seeks ways to dehumanize him from the very beginning (because that's a terrible concept to wrap your mind around, I agree). And the second factor being... well, that Suguru's behaviour really does come off as fake at times.

We experience 'negative' emotions as naturally as 'positive' ones, and despite some of them are conventionally accepted as 'good' whereas others are painted as 'bad', no emotion is inherently harmful or invalid; they all are a part of what makes us human. While it's undoubtedly a chilly and ominous concept for someone to be completely devoid of any positive traits, just as unnatural it is to display positive responses only. Perfection is stored away at museums, no living breathing human being can go through their life without being affected by negative impulses or thinking. But more often than not negative emotions are condemned and stigmatized (in the end, we still refer to them as 'negative'), and self-consciousness can make one ashamed or guilty of experiencing them. The end result of this would be trying to hide your feelings under one more appealing appearance, creating a warp between what's intuitive and what's manifest, an inadequate emotional response.

Gojo (at least in his teenage years) is widely outspoken and doesn't hesitate to outwardly express himself, whether verbally or via body language. It probably takes root in Gojo's upbringing: he was spoilt rotten, revered for being born with a silver spoon in his mouth, his every whim indulged and tended to. There simply wasn't any need for him to try and make a good impression by faking docility and emotions that are more pleasant and easier to digest. Gojo may be boisterous and bratty and obnoxious, but he isn't trying to 'trick' anyone into thinking he's better than he really is, and this paints a more sincere, believable picture to the audience.

On the other hand, Geto's emotions, partly due to his more solemn demeanour, are often toned down or consciously concealed. For instance, when Riko manages to strike a nerve in him, his response is to immediately plaster on mawkish 'customer service' smile to not give away his annoyance. This scene is especially interesting to me because of how Amanai's reaction gives voice to the audience's concerns. Referring to Suguru, she says, 'You look like a liar!' -- and by doing so calls him out on his tendency to mask negative emotions. Intuitively, she can still read his feelings in his body language, in the delay in his expression rearranging itself into a smile, and so can the viewer. We know he's annoyed, and his words about having no intention to harm Riko don't exactly align with how he behaves (even if in a playful manner) a moment after saying them. It creates a tangible contradiction between what he says his intentions are and what his actions speak of, between the appearances and what lies behind them. And this contradiction raises suspicion, in a way that if somebody's making an effort to hide something, then there must be something to hide.

In retrospect this doubt might seem reinforced and justified. I see how it's easy to fall into thinking that Geto, having become a criminal who's done unspeakably cruel things and who backs up his delusional ideals with bigoted reasoning, should've been hiding darker parts of himself behind all those fake smiles and talks about righteousness. But pinning the blame on Geto alone by claiming that he had violent tendencies to begin with is essentially disregarding systematic issues that the story strives so much to convey to the audience. Holding innate individual qualities accountable for the catastrophe is basically the sort of thinking that the higher-ups display, whose main strategy for dealing with problems is public scapegoating and disposing of every single threat to the current order by giving out one death sentence after the other. I don't think we as the viewers are supposed to reach the conclusion that Suguru is at fault for what happened, which is not to say he's faultless, nonetheless the narrative goes to great lengths to make us sympathize with him, not the other way around.

Now, there's really a handful of ways in which Geto's character seems to contradict himself. He shares overspilling empathy for the people around him, that is his character's core trait, but that very empathy spells out his downfall when it degrades into resentment and hate. He displays a largely considerate and sympathetic demeanour, but he's first introduced to the audience as someone who backhandedly bad-mouths Utahime for being weak. He's one half of the strongest duo, but whereas Gojo is a natural-born genius, Geto evidently struggles with his powers. His entire career as a curse user is based on the mentality which justifies the means to an end, but reaching the end goal is impossible for him as he is, Geto himself as much as admits to it during his last conversation with Satoru. He sets on his wild-goose chase for power, but ends up stagnating to the point where his use of Curse Manipulation in the Hidden Inventory Arc is much more inventive and creative than in Jujutsu Kaisen 0. The list goes on, but you got the gist.

To live for the purpose of being yourself. And for that goal, Geto could only continue to pursue his twisted dream, drowning himself in a curse that lies in the gap between ideal and reality.

I believe this to be such a poignant phrase when it comes to Geto's characterization because of how well, in my view, it encapsulates the conflict of his character -- or, if you will, the contradiction of it. It succinctly expresses his outlook on things, where he views the world how it's ideally supposed to be rather than how it realistically is. I've actually somewhat already elaborated on this in my very first rambling on here:

To me, Geto seems to be a type of person who needs something to guide him, some clear-cut ideal to make it possible for him to navigate through his life. He is pedantic in that sense: the sharp outlines of his views define his surroundings, the very way he looks at things and perceives them. He needs everything to fall precisely in line with his own set of ideals, which seems to be quite verified and well-adjusted within his mind, like a strict and refined concept he constructed for himself, like a routine he's used to following out of pure principal. His own belief system being so defined, it's that which makes him indulge in excessive discourse on the subject of morality and responsibility, like he's patiently laying out the basics in front of a disobedient child to help them wrap their mind around some fundamental truth that is so obvious and natural for him.

In a way, Geto concealing his negative emotions is not a false front put up against scrutinizing looks that could reveal his 'true nature'. Quite the opposite, I think it speaks more of his well-meaning intentions. When trying to change the way things are, start at yourself, and I guess this is the principle Geto's trying to apply here. By following through his own ideal, Geto does his best to be an upright person he believes himself obliged to be, whether that means forcing himself to absorb curses or putting on a customary smile. It might be juvenile and wishful thinking on his part, probably akin to 'fake it till you make it', but it's important to keep in mind that at that time he was still but a teenager. Moreover, he was put on par with somebody as praised within jujutsu society as Gojo, he must've felt on top of the world, too entranced by their warm spring of youth to care too much about the occasional slips. With Satoru by his side, I imagine Geto could afford to cut some slack and participate in the mischief. Later we see post-defection Geto drop his frivolous facade only when he's entirely alone -- another hint at how Gojo was really the only person Suguru allowed himself to confide in, that is untill the SPVI put uncrossable distance between them.

While I do say that Geto's intentions are well-meaning, the way he positions himself actually reveals some quite problematic aspects of his mindset. Namely, his attitude towards non-sorcerers, whom he clearly sets into a different category from himself and his fellow sorcerers. Regular people lack crucial understanding, they are weak because they are helpless, therefore they have to be shielded from the source of harm. This is a largely patronizing concept of empathy, since it's based on the notion that the 'weak' are inherently inferior to Geto himself and others involved in jujutsu society. It's interesting how it's reflected in Geto's insistence on the necessity of curtains. The use of curtains furthers the extent of non-sorcerers' ignorance, they never learn how to stay out of harm's way as they are deprived even of as much as their perception of the existing danger. It reminds me of how a parent would brush a child's concerns aside because they're too young and naive and do not need to be aware of adult life's hardships. Just like Geto's paternalistic outlook, it does not come from malice or negligence, it's just an attempt to keep someone less experienced and skilled safe. Nonetheless it's harmful as it puts that person in a position which denies them agency.

In my view, Suguru's fake smiles are an extension of his acute sense of responsibility. In front of those over whom he assumes responsibility, he presents himself as calm, collected and dependable as if it's supposed to reassure them. It's his job to protect them and make them feel safe, so there's no need showing them his own struggle. Even if such thinking is condescending, it's not in any way malicious. Geto's entire character arc would be simply non-existent if he wasn't completely genuine in his sentiments.

So why do I talk about Geto's insecurities when first introducing the topic of this post? Well, I'm about to take a deep dive into the field of speculation and theories and finally get to the point why I'm writing all this in the first place (took me long enough, lmao). There's also a reason why I brought up Gojo's upbringing when talking about his personality and how it contrasts Geto's. You see, like Satoru's way of dealing with his emotions can be linked to his childhood experience, Suguru's behaviour might also give us some clues about the circumstances he grew up in.

The more I look into it, the more convinced I become that Geto was in one way or another exposed to emotional trauma in his childhood. Remember when I mentioned inadequate emotional responses? While being one, smiling in reaction to stress may act as a defense mechanism of sorts, shielding the person from the chronic nature of the unpleasant experience. It also may serve as a way to avoid alienation by others who are not privy to the source of your distress or are not comfortable with it. Affiliative smiles are motivated by social factors, it's a tool used to create and maintain social connections. Human beings are hardwired to connect with others, feeling alienated by the people around us causes us great pain.

The thing us, we must assume that Geto is relatively new to the jujutsu world in the flashback arc. Given his non-sorcerer background, chances are he was the only one in his immediate surroundings with the ability to see and exterminate curses. There couldn't have been a way for him to confide in someone with his concerns and fears born from interacting with something only he could see. So I assume that eventually that resulted in Suguru developing an unhealthy habit of masking his emotions before the ones he cared about. And as over time he grew more aware of his abilities and got a grasp on how his CT works, I imagine Geto committed to exorcising curses in order to protect ordinary people from them -- all by himself. This, in turn, must have solidified that conception in Suguru's head which ultimately othered him from the people around him and put them in a position inferior to him since they were the ones depending on him and his powers.

As Geto should've mostly kept to himself, I also see how he might have grown heavily reliant on his analytical mind. Overthinking is a habit developed early on in life as a way to wade through feeling uncertain or unsafe. It's an attempt to make sense of confusing reality by applying an analytical lense to it and compartmentalizing it into neat, easily understandable categories. And also a way to regain sense of self when you find yourself in a situation you otherwhise have little to no control over. And while over-analyzing can create a sense of security, it may also interfere with a person's emotional responses. I guess it's something that could be applied to Geto, too, because for such a self-reflective character he always struck me as someone with oddly little regard of his own feelings.

As a side note, I like how Geto's tendency to over-analyze things is shown in that one scene when Yaga's briefing him and Gojo on the upcoming mission. Suguru's clearly presented as someone who's very mindful of how the world around him works. Understanding helps him assign meaning to different aspects of life, and he relies upon it heavily. Also, as someone who's been uprooted from his former society and introduced instead to an entirely different world, I guess it's important for Geto to fit in. Him being highly knowledgeable about such essential details is, in my view, indicative of such effort on his part. Whereas Satoru simply does not care about such details, the reality makes sense to him as it is as he was born perfectly fit into it.

Last but not least, Geto's infamously guilty of a dichotomous, or black-and-white, outlook on things. This is the all-or-nothing mentality that leaves little to no room for nuance and does not allow two opposite statements to be true at once. It's a common cognitive distortion that manifests immature thought; a rigid mindset more often than not bordering on extreme. Meanwhile the very foundation of Geto's downfall is the inability to adapt to the complicated reality which doesn't align perfectly with his idealistic vision. He ultimately failed to wrap his head around the world with grey areas, his black-and-white thinking thinking prevented him from doing so.

The development of such maladaptive personality traits has been repeatedly linked to the effects of childhood trauma. If the environment which a person grew up in was traumatic and chaotic, black-and-white thinking might have given them a sense of control through rationalization. That's why a mentality which doesn't allow for nuance and doesn't reflect life in its intricate complexity comes off as childishly simplistic. Seeing the world in all-or-nothing terms in some way means reverting to your inner child. And this is actually something that Shoko accuses Geto of during their brief conversation in Shinjuku. In his thinking Geto doesn't grow past his traumatic experience, whether it was his parents actively abusing his abilities for their own gain or the ache of being alienated at such an early age.

If the nature of Geto's relationship with his parents was abusive, it would also explain his altruism. Suguru goes out of his way to express his concern for well-being of those around him, and he does genuinely care, but all the while it could be a way for him to tend to his own unsatisfied needs by helping others. He seems to be highly attuned to others through his empathy, but also somewhat has trouble advocating for himself, resulting in harmful patterns of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.

It's true, there is a lot of contradictions housed within Geto's character, which are evident in his mindset and his actions. But I don't believe this to be due to sloppy writing, on contrary -- it's the kind of writing that speaks through detail and nuance and invites the reader to ponder why is this or that character the way they are.

[alexturntable]

goodbye fastest lap point

[thegroundhogdidit]

it's almost funny how fast my train of thought went from lamenting how little juliet characterization we got to deciding that i want to give her some personality traits from chris traeger parks and rec

[thefrogdalorian]

Occasionally I find myself having a particularly unhinged thought or twelve about The Fictional Character, and then wonder if he would take out a restraining order against me if we ever actually met.

[turtleations]

Pink Couldy Sky, Chapter 07 – Letter (Summarized) - Part 1

Note 1: Once again, the chapter is split into two parts. This first parts has the majority of it, but the secong part contains a long section that is actually, directly translated, and I will need more time to edit it properly. I hope to have it up before the year is over, but I can make no promises.

Note 2: This post contains pictures. I am not happy with how tumblr is sizing/cropping them on my screen. Click on them if they are not shown in full.

Chapter 00 - 01 Chapter 02 Chapter 03 Chapter 04 Part 1, Part 2 Chapter 05 Chapter 06 Part 1, Part 2

Under Professor Arakawa, REM’s days of acquiring knowledge as a dentist continued after graduation. He joined Arakawa’s study group where he gained practical experience on various cases and worked very hard on becoming an actual dentist. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to justify himself to his late mother, nor to hide and the other members of SAVER TIGER. Those feelings were his main driving force. The other members of his dentist-band AMIT also joined Arakawa’s study group and they pushed each other forward.

To REM, who was practical by nature, this study circle was very helpful. He learned about the technical aspects from a medical point of view, and also about mental self-discipline.

In this time, again thanks to Professor Arakawa, REM also met Beat Takeshi, aka Takeshi Kitano [born 1947, actor, director, comedian etc.].

He vividly remembers the first time they went drinking together. They met at Takeshi’s place and he took REM to a snack bar in Roppongi’s underground. Takeshi was in a good mood and sang a lot at karaoke. His way of singing was exactly as REM had imagined it would be. Song after song he got on the floor and fired off jokes in rapid succession.

Takeshi seems blunt, but REM thinks he actually has a direct and kind personality and is very aware of his surroundings. When REM showed him a photo from is SAVER TIGER days, Takeshi laughed and said, “You really were a dentist already. Time didn’t change you.” Then he got serious and said, “But it’s interesting. Do your best.” The timing and the delivery were exquisite. [Note: I’m guessing that there was a joke in there that I fail to make sense of.]

When they talked about hide and discussed music, Takeshi pulled out one creative idea after another.

“When Doctor REM does a live, I’ll secretly enter the stage with no announcement, sing one song, and leave again without saying anything.”

It was a very fun night of drinking. They separated with REM excitedly promising to make that song for him.

Come to think of it, this was just one week before that unfortunate accident befell Takeshi. [Note: This is likely referring to a near-fatal motor scooter accident on 2. August 1994, which may or may not have been a suicide attempt.]

After this, they met several more times, with Takeshi also coming to Yokosuka for drinks, and continued their exchange. Takeshi would probably scold REM for embarrassing him if he read this, but he truly is a generous and warm person.

-

Hide continued to call REM about once a month. When he called from overseas, REM had the habit of taking notes on his calls in his diary-substitute-notebook.

For example: “31. August. Call from hide in L.A. at 6:30 AM. Today, it seems Megadeath came to the studio and he listened to their rehearsal.

He chatted about various things with the former guitarist of Cacophony, who apparently speaks Japanese.

When they went to a Japanese-style iszakaya afterwards, Ron Wood was drinking there…”

Beyond that, he would always contact REM when he returned to Japan, come directly to his apartment from Narita airport, and drink until morning to combat jet lag.

In the first half of the nineties, “X” turned into “X JAPAN”. In this time, hide rapidly grew not only as a guitarist but as an artist in general.

In 1992, he showed his talent as a visualist with the publication of his solo-photobook “Mugongeki”. His stage turned from Budokan to the Tokyo Dome to the world. REM, on the other hand, having given up music, turned into a normal dentist.

However, whenever hide returned to Yokosuka, they would go drinking at Dobuita together – as drinking buddies, as best friends, as music companions who would forgive each other for every stupid thing said.

In a sense, it was a pretty strange connection.

Now, REM wonders if it wasn’t obvious that he was holding back around hide for fear of bothering him. To say nothing of the fact that the bitter feeling of not having been there for hide when he needed him most would not leave him alone.

But – and he thinks it may sound pretentious to put it like this – REM wonders if in this town of Yokosuka, where hide had been born and raised, all the cloudy hesitation and misunderstandings and strange fears weren’t blown away by the constant salty breeze from the sea.

REM couldn’t help but think that way.

When they drank at Dobuita until morning, there were no obstacles between them.

Hide always listened intently to REM’s silly music stories. Is that artist good or not, which CDs are cool – he always had an earnest discussion with REM about these things.

Looking at hide’s carefree smile, REM always heard a voice deep in his heart, saying, “Now I owe him again…”

Without his noticing, that murmur changed to, “No matter how, I want to pay him back. No matter how many years it takes, one day I will…”

One day when hide was in Yokosuka, REM went to “Parkside X” together with Professor Arakawa. He’d been thinking that he should introduce hide to Arakawa, so when they happened upon him, REM introduced him with the words, “Arakawa-sensei, this is hide.”

And Arakawa smiled and stood with, “My pleasure, I’m Arakawa.”

Hide, also standing, looked a little nervous, and said, “Likewise. Thank you for always taking care of REM. I’m hide.” He removed his trademark hat and sunglasses and gave a quick bow.

Then, he slowly put them back on and apologized for being impolite by wearing those things while drinking, and sat back down.

REM was astonished that he had taken them off at all, because at that time, he never did that in public. It seemed that hide was particularly respectful towards Arakawa because of the relationship he had to REM, and REM’s surprise soon turned into deeply moved gratitude.

After a night of drinking together and talking about all sorts of things, Arakawa also praised hide as a young man who, striking appearance aside, had firm opinions and was very polite. The way in which hide expressed his friendship that night had been typical for him.

-

In December 1995, REM announced that the was leaving his bachelor life behind and got married to a woman named Miwa. [Note: At least, that’s what I think her name is. REM gives the kanji for her name, but not the reading, which might differ drastically from the common (or even any sensible) reading of the characters.]

For the wedding reception, they reserved a cozy restaurant for their few dozen guests, which included family and only their closest of friends. One invitation was handed to hide, who was happy as if it were his own wedding and confirmed that he was definitely going to attend.

On the day of the wedding, REM was nervous and embarrassed like never before in his life. This was no fault of his bride’s, he simply had a raging case of wedding nerves, and it defeated him. As soon as the nerves hit him, he would drink any alcoholic beverage he could get his hands on. He honestly thought that since it worked on stage, it would work for getting married.

Hide had sent them a large bouquet of flowers in the name of “X Japan hide” but was nowhere to be seen in person.

In fact, it seemed that hide had chosen his timing well, considering the commotion that might have happened at the gathering place if word had gotten around that a member of X Japan was present.

An hour into the event, hide was there, just sitting casually in the front row in his hat and sunglasses. He grinned when he handed more alcohol to REM. At this point, REM was already blazingly drunk.

Hide for his part was fidgety and restless, talking to Jimmy and pointing out that it was time for the afterparty.

Then, during the preparations for said party, those two kept whispering to each other about something.

The wedding reception was not unlike a live show, with plenty of music buddies present. There were former members of SAVER TIGER, Hikaru, who used to be the bassist of X for a while during their indies days, and the current, much more famous X Japan-bassist heath.

SAVER TIGER served as the lead act. With hide jumping in, it was like the illusion of a SAVER TIGER revival session. The song they played was “Double Cross”.

The title of the song seemed a bit too fitting for the situation, but they chose it because it was representative of SAVER TIGER.

So REM, unsteady and hugging his guitar, started to play (“Ei!”) with the timing he was used to, only to be met with perfect silence from everyone else involved.

Thus, he declared, “It can’t be helped, you’re all doing it wrong,” regained his composure and started playing the phrase again.

Once again, hide and the others met him with grinning silence.

And REM thought, “I’m being deceived!”, finally realizing that he was falling victim to a prank, and that the prank smelled strongly of hide. Surely, hide and Jimmy had set this up when they were whispering to each other before.

In that moment, the room erupted into laughter and hide smiled earnestly at REM while looking very satisfied.

REM’s memory of the events after this point are essentially nonexistent.

Among the things that he vaguely remembers are heath getting up on stage and accepting a trophy he had won at their bingo tournament with a smile, and hide’s younger brother Hiroshi being delighted about having won a guitar.

From what REM could put together from the stories of his wife and the others, hide gave a musical performance that day, looking truly happy. This was not X Japan’s hide, this was an amateur at a free-for-all, lost in the spur of the moment, strumming his guitar with a relaxed smile on his face.

“At least, he was grinning as he played and looked like he was truly having fun.” That’s what Jimmy always murmurs when remembering that wedding reception.

[December 1995: REM's wedding reception. Photos exist for when your memory doesn't. (Click on the image for full view if tumblr cut it weirdly.)]

Due to REM’s work, the newlyweds couldn’t go on honeymoon right away. Only in the following year, in spring 1996, was he able to take the time off for it.

REM and his wife immediately agreed on the destination they wanted to visit. They both recalled at once how hide had told them to come to L.A. at least once, so that was where they wanted to go for the occasion of their once-in-a-lifetime, somewhat late honeymoon: The L.A. where hide was.

REM called hide over there at once. When he told him, “We’re thinking of travelling to L.A.,”, hide said, “Wait a second, I’ll call you back,” and hung up.

He had probably gotten a call for work, was certainly busy right now… REM and his wife speculated such while they waited, but when hide called them back after only a sort time, he gave them a list of the major hotels in Los Angeles, with information on their rating, how far they were from the airport, the price, if it was okay to smoke in there, what attractions were nearby…

After hanging up on them, hide had researched all that at the speed of light. REM and his wife were nothing but grateful. Hide, for this part, was very enthusiastic about their upcoming visit.

“What do you want to do when you’re here?”

The two of them told him they wanted to watch a Nomo Game [Note: Probably referring to Japanese baseball pitcher Hideo Nomo, who was playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers at the time.], visit the Universal Studios, and other things. And hide said brightly, “I got it! You don’t need to take care of anything, just make the reservations for the flights and the hotel…”, and then quickly hung up the phone.

The weather in L.A. was clear.

They arrived at the hotel they had picked from hide’s list, checked in, and rested in their room for about an hour before hide arrived, going “Yaa, yaa, yaa!”

Hide was in the middle of recording his solo single “Misery” at the time and hadn’t slept in three days, but you wouldn’t know it from the way he acted. He was wearing his usual hat and sunglasses, and his usual smile that lit up his whole face when he said, “So, what’s the plan?” He pulled out pen and paper and wrote down the schedule for their stay in the city, while asking REM and his wife for their wishes. Then, he asked, “How do you feel about Las Vegas?” and added his own recommendations, arranging everything from flights to hotel reservations.

He also insisted that REM’s wife, pregnant at the time, had to eat! And handed over a bundle of ten onigiri that he had brought for her.

Her due day happened to coincide with hide’s thirty-second birthday. Whenever he stroked the bulging stomach of REM’s wife, he would tell the unknown baby to better get born on schedule, so they could share their birthday.

In any case, to REM and his wife, hide was the world’s best tour conductor, taking care of every aspect of their journey. His thoughtfulness, attentiveness, kindness and warmth were extraordinary and he made sure that they got whatever they wanted. REM and his wife could only be grateful and impressed by his warmth that asked for nothing in return.

It was thanks to him that this trip became one of the best memories of the couple.

One day, after hide had left for recording, his manager at the time, Kudo-chan, took them downtown for dinner. After parking the car, they waited at a traffic light, discussing where they wanted to eat.

As they waited, REM spotted a man waiting at the opposite side of the road who looked like a musician to him, from the way he dressed to the way he wore his long, lustrous hair. Then, the signal turned to “WALK”, they did just that, and as the guy came closer, REM thought that his face looked like he had seen it somewhere before…

It couldn’t be. Here, on this giant continent of America, in the middle of this giant city of Los Angeles…But damn, if that guy did not look exactly like…

And so it came that REM and heath embraced right there in the middle of that pedestrian crossing in L.A., celebrating their unexpected reunion. Babbling along the lines of:

-“Hey, what are you doing here? No, this is where I… Where are we, anyway…”

-“N- no, I heard from hide-chan that you were in L.A., REM, but that I would meet you here…”

Since the time heath came from Osaka to Tokyo, REM had often gone drinking with him. Their meeting here was as much of a surprise as when hide had told REM that heath had joined X.

Thanks to this prank of the gods, they all went to a Japanese restaurant together, chatting happily. It was a day full of surprises and deep emotions.

Just two or three days before REM and his wife were to return home, hide invited REM to the studio and asked him to play the guitar solo of “Misery”. So REM borrowed hide’s guitar and contemplated the song’s guitar phrase there in that place.

And after he played it, hide said, “Well, REM-chan, let’s have you record it before you go home!”

Somewhat incredulously, REM agreed.

However, the next day, something urgent came up with X Japan and the recording of “Misery” had to be interrupted.

Looking regretful, hide told REM over and over that it would resume the next week. But REM’s work did not allow for the delay. And so, with painful reluctance, REM and his wife boarded the plane home.

The day before their return, hide somehow managed to take them out for dinner despite his busy schedule. Since REM’s pregnant wife couldn’t drink, REM and hide drank beer and wine for three. Afterwards, they returned to hide’s apartment building, hung out on the roof at the pool, and continued to chat while looking at the giant, illuminated HOLLYWOOD-sign.

At some point, without anyone noticing, hide had taken off his sunglasses. Hide, who had returned to bare-faced Matsumoto Hideto, and REM, who had returned to bare-faced Araki Masahiko, continued talking with a beer in hand for a long time.

It had been more than ten years since REM had first come to this city as a middle school student. Now, the L.A. night breeze was as fresh as it had been back then, and so dry they could basically hear it.

[2 May 1996: Last night in L.A.]

The next day, hide was driving the car himself when he picked up REM and his wife who were puking all over due to hangover and morning sickness respectively and took them to the airport.

Hide seemed to enjoy himself when he looked over his shoulder at their pale faces in the backseat and asked with a smile, “Honored passengers, how did you enjoy your trip?”

That kind smile of hide, that rare entertainer, was swaying before their eyes.

Hide had been serious about what he had said at the studio in L.A., as REM came to understand that the afterparty of the secret live hide and his band gave at the Yokosuka Art Theater that autumn. He had really meant for REM to play the guitar for “Misery”. REM had been baffled, and felt that now there was another major depth he was owing hide.

He murmured those words as he watched hide’s cheerful form fussing around. His wife, who had heard him, nodded in agreement. She was approaching her due date.

“He’s really supported us at every important point, hasn’t he?”

And so he had. When REM and his now-wife had been dating, it was hide who had looked at them and declared that they absolutely had to get married. He kept saying it. He even said it on New Year’s Day of the year they did get married, just like hide had predicted.

In that moment, REM and his wife likely had the same mental image: Of hide, cheerfully playing guitar at their wedding reception with a mischievous smile on his face, or his kind hospitality in L.A., happily going along with everything they wanted. REM’s thought of, “I want to repay hide for all he’s done” turned to “I must repay hide” turned to “No matter how many years it takes, one day for certain,” and finally arrived at “I must start at once.”

On the sixth of December, 1996, about one week before hide’s birthday, REM’s wife gave birth to their first child without problems. It was a boy, and they called him 柊衣. [Note: The Japanese names strike again. This is probably read either “Hii”, “Toui”, or “Hiragi”.]

Hide came to meet their beloved son the following year, in February 1997.

Hide loved children. Even now, REM remembers how hide played with their son tirelessly all day. He passionately gave this baby, only two months old, rhythm training and taught him how to hold a guitar pick.

This was another day when hide took off his sunglasses. It is their absence that REM blames for the fact that hide, holding the baby in his arms, looked so innocent and vulnerable it hurt.

Continued in part 2

[dannybobany]

Hey so that idea I had a few posts ago? ⬇️

Decided to start drawing

I think I explained it kinda badly in this post but maybe the art clears it up a little? Oh also stranger is here. Say hello to stranger guys :)

Out of the three main “new fears” I had ideas for it may have been a bad idea to do this one first because it took AGES to draw

But anyway, this is Malice! It takes the form of Kel and Hero (not for any reason just because the other two were taken), it represents Sunny’s fear that he’s a bad person and just faking his struggles for sympathy <3

I’m very aware its anatomy doesn’t make sense but …. Idk. It’s a nightmare monster what do you want from me (except the hand the hand is supposed to look like that) .. anyway Sunny buddy your hospital fever dream monsters are frightening

(Oh by the way, I went in and changed this a little so if you saw this before the edit. no you didn’t)

Bonus:

Cloak version that got lost after I merged a layer I wasn’t supposed to.. also all the references

[woozymitts]

Do you guys ever have dreams that you get a pet and then wake up and get mad that that animal isn't real lmao

I had a dream last night I got a kitten from a breeder. I can't remember what breed he was (he was not a British shorthair which is usually what silver tabbies seem to be) but he was a silver classic tabby with odd white markings.

I named him Francis after the main character of Felidae and he was so very small and soft.

[leffee]

vinnie x sharukuh? Thoughts?

Ay, it defintely can be cute and all, however, I have this more angsty scenario that I'm lowkey in love with and it goes like that:

So Vinnie has been crazy in love with Sunil for ages now and eventually he gets desperate, feeling like he can't go on another day without Sunil's romantic love. Keep in mind that he's very obsessive. So, in part because of this internal pressure, he confesses to Sunil but Sunil doesn't love him back. And Vinnie's absolutely devastated, like depressive mood, ripping his hair off and... cognitive impairments happen like strong emotions tend to do, and he's basically so miserable that he doesn't fully comprehend everything. And in this terrible but also vulnerable state as his mind desperately tries to find some sort of comfort, as soon as he sees Sharukh (whether it's a world where Sharukh's already friends with them or just him or not) after that, his mind attaches himself so quickly to him and replaces Sunil with Sharukh. Why? Because he looks very similar of course, so Vinnie's mind in that search of comfort replaces Sunil with Sharukh. So Vinnie, essentialy seeing Sharukh as Sunil, naturally falls for him and hard. And so, without thinking, he confesses to him as soon as he sees him. And let's say that in this scenario Sharukh is already in love with Vinnie so he happily accepts. So he's happy, even if Vinnie does keep calling him Sunil and looking at him weirdly... but hey, that's probably just because they look similar, right? Right? And Vinnie loves his Sunil...

I present you: Actually delusional Vinnie - the movie, coming to cinemas near you on 31st of December.

[wasabi-gumdrop]

Kabru has a secret admirer in the castle!

[cuppajj]

squish

[stealingyourbones]

DPxDC the Olympics AU.

Jazz is competing for sharpshooting

Dick is competing for team gymnastics

Y’all can work it out from there :)

[zelkam]

— chuck palahniuk, haunted

[fascinationstreetmp3]

I have what you're looking for. High quality. Befitting a man of my tastes. I have a room over on Divisadero, not too far a walk.

[kamabokobun]

I updated the designs of my depths race :) (+lore headcanon info stuff yayy)

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I've been doing a lot of reflection as of late, especially after this past class.

This past class was about the Torah and Tanakh in general, and the way the rabbi talked about the commandments (specifically the ten commandments) has made me really reflect on how I interpret them, specifically the fifth commandment, or honoring your mother and father.

This is a commandment I have wrestled with for a long time - in fact, it brought me away from g-d at multiple times. I was severely abused when I was incredibly young by my mother, and I used to feel insulted at the implication that I were to honor her while she got to live a better life. It was hypocritical, in my eyes.

But this rabbi surmised that this particular commandment was because parenthood is an act of creation, something that is like the g-d from which we come from. My realization is this: I don't think we're necessarily meant to take even these commandments literally.

I this particular commandment is more of a call to honor creation - creation is a gift, and like any gift, many people simply will not like it and will discard it. The person who abused me created me, but she did not honor creation. She didn't honor me, but I can still honor it.

I have started to honor creation much more. I'm too young, too unstable, not mature enough to be a father (though I fantasize about it), but I create all the time. I create relationships, I create with my hands through crochet. I create memories, I create my world. And I can honor who I am and where I came from that made me who I am. I've been learning one of the mother tongues of my family (Italian, since part of my family originates there) and it was judaism that inspired me to do this.

I don't think g-d wants me to honor my abuser. I think He wants me to remember the Holy action of creation. When I am a father, that act of creation will be Holy, and indeed, I am already joyful about the thought.

I have seen many people struggle with this particular commandment, but I think this perspective helps me personally. I don't think I ever have to forgive my abusers (plural), and I don't think I am commanded to simply because they happened to be family. I am commanded to recognize the holy, to elevate the mundane. In doing so, I will remember g-d. Through creation, I honor g-d and everything he has done for us, for me, and for our collective people.