#metatron did absolutely manipulate him cause he knew all this

[regrettorisotto]

Everyone saying metatron did something to aziraphale or put something in his coffee but i really don't think thats the case. That's not the impression i got from watching that at all.

All i saw was an angel who - while yes, having seen a lot of shit and how wrong heaven has been so far - still believes that heaven as a concept is supposed to be fundamentally good.

And with the idea of him being in charge comes his hope of finally implementing everything good and right that heaven should've been all along. He can finally bring pure peace to the world he loves so much. To the world he knows crowley loves just as much.

For centuries those two have been trying to do whats right and now finally they have been given the opportunity to do that without going against all their laws and higher ups. AND they can do it together, side by side instead of in secret and in the shadows. They finally have the opportunity to not be on "opposing sides" anymore, not be scared of what heaven and hell might do to them if they're caught.

Plus aziraphale knows that crowley is good, that he's been wrongly cast out of heaven and how much he suffered and still does because of it. He just wants his person to be acknowledged for all the good he's done and get the recognition and peace he deserves because he truly believes he should've never been cast out.

So no, i don't think there was anything wrong with the coffee because i don't think aziraphale doing this was in any way out of character. Crowley has always been sure where he stands now, but aziraphale never has. He's always been insecure about this, always been clinging to the idea of good and bad sides and how heaven is good. And he'd always go back to heaven if presented with as good an offer as metatrons.

(And finally letting go of that is what his character development will be about in season 3)

[thisbisexualbrainrot]

I Know Places We Can Hide

Rating: E

Summary: Aziraphale sneaks out of Heaven to visit Crowley. This fic is my version of a third season!

Tags: Post Season 2 Finale. Canon Compliant. Aziraphale POV. M/M. Sexual but plot driven.

Author Notes: NOW ON AO3! I just want more fic from Azi's perspective so I did it myself. Partly based on this post by @sensitivesiren cause I thought it was a great theory. Full first chapter is under the cut! :)

“Baby, I know places we won't be found and

They'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down

'Cause I know places we can hide.”

-Taylor Swift

—

He wasn't supposed to be here. 

Earth, that is. He wasn't supposed to be on Earth. And certainly was not supposed to be visiting a certain demon who, for all he knew, did not ever want to see him again. 

The Supreme Archangel took a breath to steady himself, absentmindedly pulling on the stiff collar of his pressed, white suit that he knew he could not show his face in. A hint of a buzzing sensation in his fingers and he was back in his familiar earthly attire. 

It's a small miracle, they won't notice…I hope Aziraphale bit his lip and wondered if he was pushing his luck too far this time. He had slipped out after his weekly management meeting, when the weight of the discussion had been overwhelming to no one else but him. He didn’t understand how they could talk about such things, their eyes dull with apathy, like they were discussing budgeting and not the destruction of the human race. 

These last few months had been a torment. He knew Crowley was right, he was not like the other angels. He didn't care about war or great plans. Well, he did care in the sense that he didn't understand why the earth needed to be destroyed at all. If I'm the one in charge, I can make a difference. Some difference he’d made, indeed. In the months he’d been in heaven, the only difference he’d made was restructuring the scrivener recording schedules due to Muriels absence. In all other regards, he had found the job to be lacking in the “making decisions for heaven” department. It was more of a mouthpiece role, mimicking whatever The Metatron told him to command of the lower angels. He realized rather quickly that he had been manipulated. That heaven had offered him the job to get him away from Earth. Away from Crowley. Away from actually making a difference. 

So, his wary eyes scanning the room near the elevator, he hastened his steps toward it and made his escape.

–

“Nope, not doing this.” 

Crowley shot up from the bench like it was made of holy water. “I have absolutely nothing to say to you, Angel.” He turned to leave Saint James park, but not before throwing a spiteful “You can go ahead and change your clothes back. I know that's not what you're wearing up there.” 

Aziraphale breathed out sharply through his nose. Of course, Crowley was going to be difficult. He’d hurt him, he knew that but he had hoped the demon would at least be a little pleased to see him.

 “I changed for my own comfort, if you must know.” Not a complete lie. “Crowley, we need to talk. I-I’m terribly regretful of how we left things and-”  “You need my help.” He interrupted,  “That's why you’re here, right?” Aziraphale said nothing. He understood he had hurt him but the demon had hurt him as well. And it wasn’t fair that he was being so cruel. Crowley clearly noted the silence and snarked, “Well, unfortunately for you, I'm out of the business of helping angels.” 

“Crowley, please.” Aziraphale said softly, “I- if you would just hear me out.” The angel felt a pang of fear, pursing his lips and hoping that he would at least be allowed to explain himself. He couldn’t read Crowley's expression since he wasn’t facing him but his shoulders looked… tense.  He finally heard Crowley mutter through gritted teeth, “Fine.” 

“Oh, thank you.” He could feel a slight warmth of relief sing through his bones. “You see, I made a terrible mistake and The Meta-” He stopped himself, this should be discussed more privately. He stumbled over his words, “That is, Could I-...would you be willing to come back to the bookshop with me?” It was the first place he could think of but not the most ideal place either, he realized. 

Crowley paused and Azirphale hoped he hadn’t ruined his chance. “We can meet at my place.” 

“Oh you're um- you have a new one now?”  Crowley seemingly ignored the question. He took out a slip of paper that looked like a receipt, scrawled an address on it and handed it to him, still not turning fully to meet the Angel's eyes. “Meet you there.” And with that, Crowley quickly shoved his slender hands into his tight pockets and walked away.

Aziraphale watched Crowley leave, the slip of paper still clutched between his fingers. Hearing the anger in his voice made the angel wince. Oh how I've made a mess of things.

-

He still stopped by the bookshop briefly to check on it. Muriel was delighted to tell him all about their interactions with the humans and how they had read almost every book in the shop already. He smiled kindly to them, his mind distracted by the events in the park. He did not mention any of it to the young scrivener. He gave them a quick farewell, thanked them for watching over things and exited the shop. Anxiety pooled in the pit of his stomach. Right, the address. He pulled it out of his pocket.

 How would he ever explain all of this? Where would he start? Had heaven realized he was gone? What if they found him? He glanced around anxiously and waited for a feeling of Michael or Uriel appearing but saw no none. He wanted to stop and see Maggie and Nina but couldn't risk any more time. He would have to catch up with them later. 

He glanced back down at the sheet of paper and could make out the address even with Crowley's terrible handwriting. Aziraphale couldn't help but smile. It turns out, the flat was just a few blocks away. Maybe Crowley didn’t truly hate him after all.

The doorbell rang, a hollow chime echoing through the flat. Aziraphale waited not so patiently for the black door to swing open, yellow eyes finally meeting his gaze.

 “I knew they would be purple.” Crowley mumbled with what sounded like annoyance to his voice.

His eyes. He had forgotten. “Oh- I would love to do away with them, however, I can't seem to change them.” He fiddled with his ring and gave Crowley a half hearted, nervous smile.  Crowley smirked, “I know the feeling.” 

He stepped aside, a gesture that pulled Aziraphale in and he was hit with the familiar comforting scent of amber and brimstone. I know what you smell like he remembered the demon telling him once, and well…likewise. The door shut behind him and Crowley headed over to a bar counter, pulling two wine glasses from a rack and pouring each of them a glass. A fire crackled in the hearth, and the room was cozy despite being mostly decorated in sleek black furnishings. Crowley handed him the glass and Aziraphale managed to say thank you with a steady voice. He was incredibly nervous. “So?” Crowley cleared his throat, knocking Aziraphale’s racing mind back into the room. “Are you going to explain what the purpose of this holy appearance is?” He settled in a large armchair, swinging one leg over the other. He leveled his gaze on Aziraphale, taking a sip of his wine. 

Aziraphale felt the panic that had been swelling inside of him threaten to bubble over. He had no idea where to begin, just as he had feared. He ran his finger nervously over the rim of his glass. Staring down at it, he centered himself and pulled together what he needed to say, or at least it was a start. 

He admitted quietly, “I've made a terrible mess of things. I should have never taken the job.” 

Crowley was silent. Aziraphale continued after a pause, his eyes still downward. “It appears The Metatron’s intentions were to separate us. I have been all but useless as a leader, I'm afraid. They don't actually let me decide anything. Not anything of real importance. And, worst of all, they plan to initiate the Second Coming in a matter of months? Years? I'm not entirely sure but it will be soon.” 

Crowley let out a frustrated sounding sigh, shaking his head, “So that is why you’re here, to get my help then? Cause if that’s all you want you can shove o-” 

“No.” Aziraphale looked up then, and he hoped Crowley could see the pain in his eyes as he confessed, “I am here to apologize and beg for your forgiveness.” Silence. A long awkward pause. Aziraphale didn't know what to say next, so he waited. 

“Well then Angel, go on.” Crowley gestured his glass toward him. “Beg.” 

Aziraphale huffed, “If you are going to make a mockery of it, I’ll just as soon leave.” 

Crowley looked amused, “Oh come on, you really can't expect that I wouldn't give you a hard time. With you rejecting me and all, it's only fair.” 

“I would appreciate you taking this seriously.” Aziraphale’s brow furrowed. If Crowley was going to make his feelings a joke, then he wasn't going to even bother trying to mend this- this…

“Oh I am,” Crowley’s tone shifted, “and you better start talking, Angel.” 

“Fine.” Aziraphale straightened, setting his untouched glass on a nearby table. He looked at Crowley, “You were right.” “I want the dance.”

“No.” Bastard.

“Then apology not accepted” Crowley took another swig of his wine. It was almost like he was having fun with this. Looking Aziraphale up and down he remarked flatly, “You’ve lost weight. No crepes in heaven, I suppose.” 

Aziraphale felt his frustration growing, “Crowley, will you please focus on what I am trying to say?” 

“So far, I haven't really heard you say anything.” Crowley shot back, his eyes were dark and angry. 

Aziraphale had enough. He moved toward Crowley’s seat, kneeling in front of him firmly but gently. He locked their eyes together, hoping that Crowley wouldn't see how scared he was and mistake it for something else.

“Then I will say it now.” Aziraphale’s voice wavered but he pushed on, “I have never regretted something more, in six thousand years. For choosing to leave you. The truth is…” He swallowed nervously, “I love you Crowley, no matter what you are. I will always love you the same.” He took a breath, “A-And you owe me nothing in return, except I would prefer for you to still consider me a friend. You don't have to kiss me, if it's not genuine.” If Crowley would agree to still be his friend, that would be enough. He didn't want Crowley to feel forced to love him the way he wanted. That would not do. And he couldn’t bear to hear Crowley speak to him with such disdain and anger any longer, even if some of it was deserved. He had placed his hands on the demon’s knees sometime during this admission, the warmth of Crowley's legs sending a jolt of adrenaline down to his gut. Now, it seems, he was unable to remove them. He was frozen in place, his eyes following Crowley’s expression. The demon said nothing, at first. Aziraphale watched as he slowly set his wine glass down, 

“You think it wasn't genuine then.” Not a question. 

Aziraphale looked back at him with slight confusion. “You- you surely know how I feel about you, Crowley. Certainly your kiss was a cruel temptation, was it not? A last effort to try to change my mind? I-I forgave you for it but it did hurt, you see, so I was angry and I-...I am..” 

“ARGH!” Crowley stood up, pushing past Aziraphale and spinning around to face him. “Did you really not hear a word I said?!”

Aziraphale, startled by the sudden movement and aggression, stood and turned to face Crowley with confusion now etched into his features. “I-I was listening. You didn't want to come with me, you didn't want to be an angel with me, you- you said you didn't need heav- “ 

“Argh, not that part Aziraphale!” Crowley rarely said his full name anymore. He loved how it sounded rolling off the demon's tongue. Very distracting. 

“What part then?” Aziraphale asked quietly. He had clearly been wrong about the kiss, but that meant- he felt his heart beat faster in his chest. 

“I refuse to believe you dont know.” Crowley’s expression hardened, but tears welled in his eyes. He didn't have his sunglasses to hide them and Aziraphale could see then that the anger and disdain for him was actually just…heartbreak. 

Crowley was heartbroken. Oh. OH.

He had been wrong in Crowley's intentions for the kiss.

Crowley had been trying to tell him his feelings the last time they saw each other. Aziraphale had just not been listening properly, or at least not been really hearing him properly. The kiss was a last ditch attempt, but it was to show Aziraphale how he felt. What they could be if he did stay. We could have been us. 

“Oh I…Crowley.” He stepped closer instinctively, reaching his arm out to grasp Crowley's hand. He thought for a moment Crowley would pull away, but he didn’t. “I've been such a complete fool. Please forgive me.” Crowley cursed quietly as a tear slipped down his cheek, looking away. Aziraphale pulled them closer then, his free hand reaching up to turn Crowley’s face back to him and wipe the tear away. His hand remained, gently rubbing his thumb on the demon’s cheekbone. Aziraphale’s heart could not have been beating louder in his ears as Crowley leaned in until their foreheads were resting on each other. A breath of silence and then quietly he heard,

“I’ve missed you, Angel.” 

“And I you, my dear. Desperately.” Aziraphale closed his eyes and brushed his nose against Crowley’s, cautiously. Slowly. With his eyes shut, the sensation of the demon’s breath was so close. His warm face was so unbearably close and the Angel pushed in further until his lips were barely caressing the demons, testing his boundaries. 

Testing to see if Crowley would push him away.

He didn’t. 

Aziraphales heart fluttered as Crowley wrapped his hand around the Angel’s neck, his fingers curling into the nape of the white curls and pushed in to deepen the kiss. It felt like fire. Warm, crackling and intense. Nothing like before, no feeling of humiliation or pain. Aziraphale sunk into it, letting out a small moan as Crowley licked against his lips. Crowley must have taken the moan as an invitation. He began to push off Aziraphale’s jacket and it fell to the floor. 

Aziraphale pulled back slightly, “Crowley, I- shouldn't we talk about this?” 

“I think we’ve done enough talking, don't you? Always talking, us.”

Crowley moved back in to claim the angel's mouth once more and Aziraphale agreed, they could talk after. After they- oh mother in heaven, has Crowley always smelled this incredible? He breathed in deeply, pushing his tongue in and getting a satisfying groan in return. He wanted all of him then. Wanted to touch every unholy inch of him. He felt Crowley start to push him backward and clung to him as they toppled onto a black velvet couch. He felt the weight of Crowley's hips as he settled onto his lap, one leg resting on either side as he straddled over him and cupped his jaw, kissing him feverishly. Aziraphale used one hand to pull the demon closer to him. The other gripped Crowley's neck, fingers gliding into perfectly soft red hair. He felt Crowley slip off his shoes and he did the same, all while not breaking their joined mouths even for a moment. Crowley chuckled affectionately as he broke their lips apart, “You sure you’re alright with this, Angel?”

“I don't know what you mean,” Aziraphale chided, “I have been around just as long as you. I know perfectly well what this is.” 

Crowley wrapped his arms around the angel's neck, “but have you ever...” he waved his hands and the rest trailed off. Implied. “I haven't had the desire until now.” 

“Oh is that so?” Crowley teased, “Well well, Supreme Archangel...” 

Aziraphale blushed hotly and sputtered “Well I- I wouldn't say I didn't have the desire till now but I just- oh you know what I mean you impertinent demon!” Crowley rolled his hips then, and Aziraphale forgot to keep scolding him. 

“S’what I’m good at after all” he whispered, his breath hot in Aziraphale’s ear, “flustering you”. 

He then watched the demon's eyes go wide as he grasped Crowley's thighs and flipped them over on the couch. The angel was now resting on top, his legs splitting Crowley's apart. Aziraphale began running his nose along Crowley’s neck, his voice a bit deeper than usual. “You know my dear, I think you underestimate just how adept I am at flustering you as well.” He then pressed a number of light kisses along Crowley’s long neck, and was quite pleased when he heard a low growl. He had never felt quite like this. There was an unleashing of desire at seeing Crowley laid out so desperate for him. He nuzzled lovingly against Crowley's mouth, his eyes half lidded, as he asked “Where is your bed?” Crowley swallowed, noticeably. His voice was rough. “Down the hall to the left.” 

“Show me.” 

Crowley pushed Aziraphale off of him enough to stand and hastily lead him down the hall, their sock-covered feet sliding smoothly over the hardwood floor. He had reached out and grabbed the Angel's hand without another word. And Aziraphale’s heart was in his throat as they entered the bedroom. Crowley pushed him back to lean against the doorframe and kissed him achingly and intentionally. The angel barely noticed the undoing of his bowtie as it dropped to the floor. They broke apart and Aziraphale sucked in a shuddering breath,

 “Crowley…” he exhaled as he lifted the silver tie over the demon’s head. The black leather vest came undone next and he captured the demon's lips in his again as Crowley set to work on his velvet waistcoat. With hungry confidence, Aziraphale pushed against Crowley until he was stepping backward toward the king size bed. The demon was finally sliding off the waistcoat and working his way down the buttons of the undershirt when he muttered with frustration,

“Too many layers....” and proceeded to rip the rest of the shirt off, the buttons clattering against the wood floor. Aziraphale, shockingly, did not object. He pulled the white undershirt off over his head and climbed on top of Crowley as they settled onto the black duvet, soft and inviting against their bodies. He ran a hand down the demon's side and Crowley hissed with pleasure as the angel ducked down and pushed the black t-shirt up to run his mouth along the demon’s stomach. The shirt was pulled off and got lost somewhere on the bed in the process. 

“Aziraphale...” Crowley breathed, and a vulnerability slipped out of him. He said the angel's name like it was a prayer. He brought his mouth back up to Crowley’s lips and felt the demon wrap his arms around him. When their lips met again it was a moment of devotion and reverence. He savored Crowley's mouth, trying to give him the worship and love he deserved. Please always say my name that way. Please always want me as you do now. He begged silently and he hoped Crowley could feel how much he adored him. The demon kissed back with as much affection, rolling them so he was now laying on the broad chest of the angel. He sunk his head down and began kissing his neck and down his chest. Aziraphale moaned and grabbed at the red disheveled hair of the demon, bucking his body upwards to bring himself closer to Crowley’s pleasuring mouth as he moved downward. 

“So naughty…” Crowley teased and Aziraphale let out a small huff of annoyance. But Crowley kissed his body tenderly, nipping and smoothing over the bites with his tongue. And slowly moved downward. Until Aziraphale sucked in a breath at the sensation of Crowley’s mouth on his cock, only a thin layer of fabric in between. He needed that fabric to be gone. Thankfully, Crowley was one step ahead and pulled the boxer briefs down the Angels thick thighs. 

The feeling was overwhelming, incredibly good but almost too much. His vision went blurry and all he could think was how he needed more. Every movement of Crowley's hot, wet mouth pushed the Angel further into utter oblivion. It was no surprise that humans found this so enjoyable, and he couldn’t believe he hadn’t done it until now. He gasped as Crowley's tongue flicked out to pleasure him and lost all sense of anything but the demon's touch on his skin. 

If this was sinful, Aziraphale made a mental note to sin often in the future. 

_

It was some time later when they collapsed, the tension in their bodies melting away with the release. Aziraphale laid next to Crowley, his breathing a little ragged as he caught up. He rolled over and smiled into the crook of the demon's neck and Crowley smiled too as they both broke into a shared laughter. There was no denying what was between them. There was no going back now. And somehow, after everything, they found that it was incredibly funny. Crowley sighed pleasantly. He rubbed his hand on his forehead, pushing his sweaty red locks away from his face, 

“Well, now that that coming is over with, do you want to tell me more about this Second Coming then?” Aziraphale gaped with dramatic disgust, and nearly shoved Crowley off the bed. Crowley sat up laughing, “I'm going to grab the rest of that wine.” 

Aziraphale pulled him back down to sit on the bed, sitting up himself to wrap his arms around him from behind and plant a kiss on his cheek. He savored the feeling of intimacy as his bare chest warmed against the demon's back. 

Crowley laughed warmly, “I’ll be right back.” 

He got up and pulled on a black silk robe he had hanging on his door, and reached into his closet to toss an oversized Velvet Underground t-shirt to the Angel. 

Aziraphale tucked up his nose at the shirt, “Don’t you have anything a little more stylish?” Crowley rolled his eyes, “It's just us, you’ll survive. I’ll go grab you some new clothes tomorrow.” 

Azirphale watched him slip the robe on, wanting very much to rip it off later. Partly to wear it instead of the t-shirt, if he was being totally honest. He could miracle something, he supposed, but he’d already risked enough doing the small one earlier. And Crowley wasn't doing miracles either, he noticed. He thought back to the handwritten slip of paper. 

But he couldn't deny that he enjoyed the pleasing silk covered view that sauntered down the hallway and out of sight. 

–

It turns out he had lost a little weight and the shirt did fit. Albeit a little tighter in the arms and shoulders than it would on Crowley but it would do. 

When Crowley returned, Aziraphale was wearing the offending t-shirt with his boxer briefs back on, blonde hair disheveled and flipping through the records Crowley had on a small shelf in the corner of his room. He noticed Crowley staring at him, a look of arousal in his eyes and he suddenly felt very self conscious. He was sure he looked like an absolute mess, but apparently the new look was appealing to the demon. 

Aziraphale walked over to meet him and accepted the glass of wine he had neglected to drink earlier gratefully. He felt so content it was almost dizzying and he heard himself say without thinking,  

“I hope you know that I am very much in love with you.” And he couldn't very well take it back, and realized he actually didn't even want to. He leaned in for a kiss before sitting on the edge of the bed. He felt the weight of it shift as the demon joined him. 

“I caught on, I think,” Crowley teased. “Seeing as you left your very important heavenly post to pop down here and seduce me.” Aziraphale’s blush deepened and he caught Crowley smiling devilishly, clearly enjoying it. 

“T-that wasn't the plan! Initially.” Aziraphale fussed absentmindedly with the bottom hem of the shirt, “Oh I don't know, perhaps it was. I just couldn't stand being there anymore. They are all so dreadfully dull and awful. I needed to see you. I couldn't leave it as it was and- oh dear,” Aziraphale remembered, “Do you think they’ve realized I'm gone?” 

“Probably.” Crowley shrugged, stilling the angels' fussing hand with his own. Aziraphale was grateful for the secure touch. “But they have no idea where you are.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I warded this place after I moved in, against angels and demons. No one enters here without my permission and no one can see it or who’s inside. We can hide here until we sort this out.” 

“Impressive,” Aziraphale sipped his wine, “How did you come up with such a thing?” “Muriel has been reading a lot of your books, the ones in the back. Spell books. And, I had my own ideas. I wasn't sure it would work but I tested it on Muriel, they couldn't come in until I let them. I don't know for sure about the second part of it. So we will see what happens, I suppose.”   

“Fascinating.” Aziraphale smiled fondly. “You really are such a clever demon. I’ve always thought so.” Crowley blushed, and it did not go unnoticed. Aziraphale let Crowley pull his face in and give him a long, affectionate kiss. His mouth was warm and supple from earlier, a hint of wine on his tongue. 

“I'm in love with you too, Angel.” Crowley stated, like it was as obvious as the stars in the sky. “And I thought, maybe, you would come back so I- I, you know, came up with a plan. Just in case.” 

Aziraphale beamed at the confession. He wasn’t sure if he ever would say it out loud and honestly didn’t need to hear it. But, actually hearing it was like finally releasing a breath he’d been holding for years. But that initial meeting in the park, if he’d wanted him to come back then why-

“You didn’t seem to want me back at first.” It was more a question, and he looked at Crowley to see how it landed. Crowley was staring straight ahead at nothing. Lost in memory.

“I did,” he said finally. “But missing you and actually seeing you again were very- it was hard to know for sure why you came back.” 

“Ah,” Aizraphale felt a small twinge of guilt, “Well, I hope it’s clear now.” 

Crowley chuckled, “Just a bit, yeah.” And for the first time, Aziraphale felt truly forgiven. 

They talked through the night, among other things that distracted from the conversation. By morning light, they had the beginnings of a plan to save humanity and each other. Again. 

_ It had been a few hours after Aziraphale had left the bookshop. Muriel was busy cataloging books when Michael stormed through the doors seething, Uriel following behind. “Where is he?” 

Muriel smiled, “Oh hello! Where is who?” 

“Aziraphale.” Michael snapped, “who else would I come here asking about?” 

Muriel winced, “I don't know actually. He was here for a moment but then he left. He didn't say where he was going.” 

Michael let out an aggravated groan. They had been tasked by a very irritated Voice of God to locate the second missing Supreme Archangel and bring him back immediately. 

The only problem was, there was no trace of him anywhere. Or the demon Crowley. 

Ugh. 

Michael was going to get so much shit for this. 

_

Author Notes: Thanks for reading! Let me know if you'd like me to continue this story. :)

[mittensmorgul]

As Above, So Below

I’m still trying to pinpoint exactly why the focus on “heaven is fixed and actually a paradise now!” is just so deeply unsatisfying to me. And I think I need to preface this with a bit of backstory about me, because I think that gives the rest of this essay some relevant context.

I know this isn’t relevant to my main point here, but this is a metatextual and thematically identical example of the exact thing I’m gonna lay out, because context is always helpful. So please forgive this seemingly irrelevant detour, because I promise it will be relevant by the end.

(plus, would it really be an Essay By Mittens™ without at least one baffling tangent? no, it would not!)

Tangent time!

I think everyone that follows me knows how skeptical I was... or should I say how WARY I was of the way Eileen was returned to the narrative this season. We were warned in the PREVIOUS EPISODE how much Chuck was attempting to interfere in their lives. I was accused of some very nasty things, of hating the ship, or hating the character of Eileen, or of hating Sam and not wanting them to be happy. No amount of pointing at obvious warning signs in the text, no amount of yelling about Sam’s God Wound or the absolute klaxon warning that the wound had become “quiet” and his Chuck-O-Vision Nightmares had apparently stopped seemed to matter. I was declared “wrong” and told to shut up.

And then 15.09 happened, and basically everything I’d been wary of was shown to be what actually happened, but there were still unresolved issues. Eileen doubted her own feelings and walked away. She doubted what was actually real. And at the time, I said many times that I would be thrilled to see those issues resolved by the end of the season, and for her to truly know that what she’d felt growing between her and Sam was real. And by the end of the season, despite my personal horror at her previous situation (and having that personal horror compounded by the fandom literally gaslighting me and attempting to bully me into ignoring this basic actual plot detail of this specific growth process which... in the context of what my personal objection was to accepting her return at face value in the first place having been personal trauma associated with gaslighting and manipulation...) by the time 15.18 aired, I was 100% convinced that Sam and Eileen had fully chosen each other, and felt the traumatic pain Sam suffered during that text conversation with her during the snap. She NEEDED to come back, because she had been set up to be part of Sam’s Win. They were clearly each other’s future.

The show literally put in all the work to make even *me* feel this to be True and Right and Good. And then after that point we never even hear Eileen’s name again. We never were told that she was even returned at the end of 15.19. Sam, who had been so entirely devastated by her disappearance in the previous episode that he couldn’t even process it was apparently hit with an amnesia hammer and just... never even thought about her again through a long greyscale life with a blurry baby Dean factory vaguely in the background of a single scene of his life. I can’t credit or justify how after an entire year invested in making us all truly care about Sam and Eileen and the happiness they found in each other if only the cosmos would allow them to choose each other in the end would just... erase all of that in the series finale.

Which brings me to the second tangent, which is specifically about *me,* and how I feel about the cosmic order in the television show Supernatural. Because I feel a lot about it. Probably more than most people ever did. And this is also important to understanding the main underlying point I need to make here.

Something I’ve been most looking forward to, for YEARS, about Supernatural eventually ending someday was writing a book, or a thesis, or even just organizing and compiling all my observations into a cohesive narrative specifically about the cosmology of the Supernatural universe. I’ve been cobbling together my observations and realizations about the nature of heaven, hell, purgatory, the empty, the alternate universes we’ve seen, and yes, even the cosmic function of the mundane level of the story as told by events that transpired on Earth. So of everyone watching this dumb show for the last 15 years, I don’t actually know anyone who cared more that I did about finding a satisfactory resolution and transformation of every plane of existence-- the mortal world AND the “afterlife realms” we’ve experienced on this show. And in the wake of the finale, I feel cheated out of that. Because in the end, it wasn’t about the triumph of free will and a flip of the script, it was just more of the same.

And now that I have those two preliminaries out of the way, I’ll finally get to the point. :’D

(hooray, it didn’t even take 1k words to get there for once!)

The “main stage” of Supernatural has always been Earth. It’s always been “Humanity.” At the very start, we meet two men whose lives had always been dictated to them by higher powers. At first, that “higher power” was their father who raised them in his vengeance mission, who trained them to hunt the supernatural. It was the inciting incident of the entire series, after all, their realization that forces outside of their control had irrevocably altered the course of their lives. It had forever torn down what they’d trusted in family, in personal safety, and would become something they couldn’t outrun or fight back against for long before another wave of cosmic discord would settle over them once more.

We watched this story play out in ever increasing spheres of cosmic significance, until Gabriel laid it out on the table for them in the simplest possible terms (in 5.08).

GABRIEL: You do not know my family. What you guys call the apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner. That's why there's no stopping this, because this isn't about a war. It's about two brothers that loved each other and betrayed each other. You'd think you'd be able to relate. SAM: What are you talking about? GABRIEL: You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other. DEAN: What the hell are you saying? GABRIEL: Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always. A long pause. SAM and DEAN look down, then at each other. DEAN: No. That's not gonna happen. GABRIEL: I'm sorry. But it is. GABRIEL sighs. GABRIEL: Guys. I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers, endings wrapped up in a bow...but this is real, and it's gonna end bloody for all of us. That's just how it's gotta be. ***

And isn’t that all even 1000x more painfully ironic that it all still happened even 10 years later? It was always going to end with them. And lol, “I wish this were a TV show” because if it was then it wouldn’t have to end bloody.

But this… was a Major Acknowledgement that the meta level of this story was consistent, and was telling us something important. It demonstrated that the Cosmic Structure Itself was the cause for Sam and Dean’s “destiny” in this story. But that’s not what the point of this story has ever been.

Nobody (including me, who is literally obsessed with this aspect of the story) has ever invested themselves in the narrative of Supernatural because they cared about the fate of the cosmic order over and above the fate of the characters who had committed to overthrowing it all, to “tearing up the pages” and writing their own destinies. I mean, we became invested because Sam, Dean, and Cas as characters took us by the hand and invited us to come along with them as they battled against fate for the good of EARTH and HUMANITY.

And certainly, Heaven being a horrific sort of eternal replay of the “highlights” of individual souls greatest hits, where free will didn’t apply as everyone was just boxed away into their individual holodecks to serve as some sort of giant Heaven Battery powering the furtherance of this narrative, this “cosmic order” that had become so powerful it dictated the events and manipulated the lives of people who still existed in the ostensible realm of free will and human life on Earth… that couldn’t stand in the end. But what the narrative (and people I’ve seen attempting to justify the finale as narratively sensible) seems to have forgotten was that all of that was Chuck’s construct to begin with. That without Chuck holding his kingdom in Heaven together, the walls of all those soul cubicles ceased to even be relevant.

After spending their entire lives to this point constantly fighting their way to the absolute pinnacle of the As Above, So Below narrative and pulling the plug on the original creator himself, Humanity should’ve triumphed. And I’d argue that it DID, through Jack restoring the missing essential “humanity” to the divine condition. And, silly me, I thought they’d achieved the promise of “paradise” heralded by Jack’s birth at last, and truly “flipped the entire script of the narrative.”

Ever since they thwarted the original apocalypse, I had hope that they would continue to achieve the same result right up the ladder. Metatron trying to fill the role of Chuck Junior hit his own narrative wall in TFW, while Dean’s battle with the Mark of Cain, and Cain telling him he was “living my life in reverse” and would succumb to destiny by killing his loved ones in the “reverse order” to Cain’s own path to downfall cemented this for me. Dean not only failed to kill any of his loved ones (you didn’t kill your own brother. why?), he SAVED them. He didn’t fulfil the prophecy in reverse, he subverted it. He UNMADE it.

Perhaps I was thinking on too grand a scale, that the ultimate inversion wouldn’t be “God is overthrown and replaced by more of the same,” but “God is overthrown and the entire order of the universe is restructured from the bottom up rather than the top down.

I’d hoped against hope that the conclusion of the narrative would be “As below, so above,” with the fundamental power of human love becoming the new foundation of the cosmic order. It never even occurred to me that “taking back the narrative to rewrite it for ourselves” was not the ultimate goal of Team Free Will, or the ultimate expression of their biggest win.

This whole “well heaven really needed to be rebuilt, there was still work to be done!” seems… irrelevant to me if they’d truly won free of the cosmic narrative. The entire structure of the universe-- including Heaven and Hell-- should’ve defaulted to the paradise state that Jack was literally born to bring to fruition. Wasn’t that the point of his entire role in the story, ultimately?

And if that wasn’t the case in the end, why did we never learn the fate of Hell? Was it just… irrelevant and unchanged after this? Or just… abandoned as a concept entirely? It’s just strange to me to put such a focus on heaven being the sole sphere of import in the end that it undercuts the essential humanity of the narrative for me.

The story itself had kept Heaven on a back burner for years, only occasionally mentioning that the structure of the place was falling further and further into disrepair with a dwindling force of angels struggling to keep the walls in place at all, that it seems like it could’ve been an afterthought at the end of the series rather than a focus so large it required the death of both main characters to make sure we all understood that Heaven Had Changed Now. Because TFW had never been fighting to make Heaven right. They’d been fighting to save the world itself, for humanity to all have a chance to live their lives as their own.

And we didn’t need to see that in the final hope they might get their own lives on Earth to explore. In the end, the fundamental narrative that Life On Earth was dictated by the cosmic structure of creation was never fully subverted. And for me, that’s the main reason I just… can’t accept the finale. It wasn’t a victory of free will and humanity, in the end it was just more of the same.

I appreciate the attempts to take the essential bones of the story we did get and apply a different polish to the surface of the skeleton, but to me it still feels like we’re looking at completely different beasts in the end. Like… to me this was as jarring a revelation as those drawing of modern animals reimagined as dinosaurs entirely based on their skeletons. Like, all along the narrative told me I was looking at a swan. They told me this skeleton they’re building out from is definitely a swan, without a doubt.  I know what a swan looks like-- a graceful feather-covered bird with magnificent wings. I trusted that in the end it would be at least remotely swan-looking. And then the finale ended up looking like this

and I just don’t even know where everything went so wrong. Or maybe all along I just assumed they actually knew what a swan looked like, but weren’t sure they could actually pull it off and settled for whatever the heck this is instead. Either way, I’m actually kinda grateful to the finale for being so entirely disappointing on every level, because otherwise I probably would’ve tried to adopt the monstrosity of it anyway. And I’m really, really glad I don’t have to.

[runtosleepdreamer]

Supernatural Survey 😊

Got tagged by @cas-watches-over-you - dude thanks so much for tagging me this was pretty darn fun and awesome!! 😘 1. What season did you start watching Supernatural? 
I actually have no idea… I don’t even remember the proper story anymore cuz despite it not being several years it was still quite a few years ago when I was still in.. middle school perhaps? That my school mates were talking about it and I asked my elder sibling who showed me random episodes, going by the least violent ones so I wouldn’t get nightmares.. so yeah I have no idea what season I first saw or what season was out exactly when I began watching random episodes. I only stared watching properly since last year 2. Who was the first character you fell in love with? 
Sam… he’s such a goddamn puppy that it’s hard not to like him!!! 3. Who was a character that you hated at first but grew to love?: 
Omg so many. I remember making a post about how the writers kill iff characters that were initially annoying but right as they started growing on us - bam. Dead
But ok maybe the first example was Bela… she actually was of course starting to grow o me by the time she died.. but the character that comes most immediately to mind because of how strongly I hated them… was Rowena. God she had been simply infuriating - I hated her so much for manipulating Crowley and threatening whatever good relationship he had with the Winchesters, that I wished she would die… but then come season 11 I fell absolutely I love with the woman 4. Which character would you most want to be in a long-term relationship with? 
Eep I have no fucking idea… fuck idk.. mm I never during my daydreams imagine myself with my fictional characters but if I had to choose… ugh maybe. Ok Dean is loyal and Sam is a puppy but idk it feels weird coming in between them… Cass is pretty amazing but… ugh fuck it maybe oh ok why not.. Charlie? Yeah. Charlie for sure, she’s amazing, pretty damn amazing with technology, I sure as hell wouldn’t mind her teaching me how to hack or everything about Star Trek or whatnot, seeing as I’ve never watched them (le gasp, the outrage! I know I know) Or hell maybe even Sam cuz he’s pretty soft and everything (but also great in bed obviously) idk I can’t imagine myself with Dean cuz he would be more awesome with someone who can actually take care of themselves for real you know? Whereas Sam has always paired nicely with women in a domestic life - though they did end up dying… gah idk 🤷‍♀️ 5. If you could go on a date with just one character, which one would you choose?:
Dean. Easily Dean there, cuz even if it’s one date, I’m sure he’ll make it worth it, sexy or not because he’s a damn attentive guy.. 6. What would you do on that date? 
A first date or like after a few? Cuz if it’s after a few I wouldn’t mind a nature hike cuz goddamn do I love those… but for a first Idk I’d feel too self conscious. Maybe a good movie… maybe the beach… some cuddles and some good food and talking quietly to each other in the night under the moon and stars with a soft breeze 😊 7. Which character would you most want to be like?: 
Hm. Any strong female roles out there? Yeah that seriously narrows it down but real talk.. I’m torn between Charlie and Rowena.. ugh maybe Charlie. She’s pretty amazing and nice and fun… though I honest to god can’t imagine myself ever LARPing… 8. Which character would you most want to see brought back from the dead?: 
Right now, Castiel. But since (SPOILERS duh) we already know he’s coming back… Crowley!!!! 9. Which character would you most like to punch?: 
Oh that’s a long list there buddy. Uh. Lucifer? Yeah. As of the season 12 finale.. definitely Lucifer. 10. Who is your absolute favorite character?: 
Dean 😁😍😘 11. Which “Big Bad” do you think was the worst?: 
uh torn between Amara and Metatron. God I kinda hated season 11 because of her, it was a bit of a drag to get through but god Metatron was so. Damn. Annoying. 12. Which character are you most like?: 
Oh god I have no idea, they’re all way too amazing people for me to compare with them. Uhhh maybe… eep Idk Lisa? 😕 idk I’m not even sure if I’m brave much tbh but if not her then.. idk maybe Chuck before the end of season 5? 😐 idk 13. What death hit you the hardest? 
Honestly because I kinda already knew about everyone who was going to die until season 12, because like I had to catch up with the show and that meant big watching 11 seasons before the 12th came out. So that means 11 seasons f knowing who already dies for the most part… but I guess.. ok Charlie, idr if I knew she died but it hurt me a lot because I hated the fact that she died, and even more so what it did to the boys. And then every time Dean died, mainly seasons 3 and 9’s finale, and goddamn how broken up Sam got about it at those times… fuck those killed me but I guess they were more of the heart wrenching scenes then death specifically that hurt me. 
But of course. Cass. Cuz I had obviously. So. Not. Seen. It. Coming. I barely managed I avoid screaming and after… it took me a couple of hours to even remotely get to mouth shut 14. What season finale hit you the hardest?: 
Season 9 and 12, reasons stated above^^^ especially 12 cuz hiatus!!!!! 15. What are your ten all-time favorite episodes?: 
well fuck me cuz now I gotta most likely look up the names of the episodes
Mm. 
First one easily is season 9 episode 13 the purge (thanks google) because of how it ended. Ok Ima stop there cause season 9 was an emotional turmoil that I’d rank as love cuz of the angst. But the case itself was pretty neat. 
Uh god I can only remember specific scenes. Ok uh
“A very supernatural Christmas”(?) “Plucky Pennywhistle’s Magical Menagerie” “Hell House” “Ghost Facers” “Fanfiction” “Jus in Bello” “Bad day at Black Rock” is that ten yet.. “Alex Annie Alexis Ann” idek I just really love some scenes specially “Free to be you and me” and of course “Changing Channels” god this was so damn hard 16. What’s been your favorite season?: 
9!!! Aaaangst! 17. Who is your favorite angel? 
Cass easily 18. Who is your favorite demon? Crowley :) 19. Who’s your favorite evil character? 
Favorite? Then Ima go with Crowley again 20. Do you have any Supernatural ships?: 
Mm this blog I try to keep ship free but if you wanna check out my side blog for the answers, I’ll be happy to message you on this one ;) 21. Who’s your favorite supporting actor?: 
Can’t remember any right now but they’re all amazing… oh how about Garth!!! God he’s such a sweetheart - and still alive! But oh Jody is amazing too…! 22. What’s your favorite quote from the show?:
“I’m proud of us” it’s the main one at the top of my head but there are so many other brilliant ones. I have a tendency to lean towards the emotional ones made to each other (Dean, Sam, Cass) such as above from Dean to Sam, his ending speech in season 8’s finale “There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you!” 😭😪 and Cass’s - what he thought was his - dying speech to Sam and Dean mostly as well as Mary to an extent in 12x12 23. If you could cast one famous actor in an episode of SPN, who would you choose? 
Katie McGrath? She was - and is - my woman crush 😉 lol she’d be an awesome witch or hell even huntress or screw it even another Bela 🤷‍♀️ 24. If you could write your own episode, what kind of creatures would you like to see included?: 
Unicorns. Interacting with Dean. Idk.. uh honestly what have we not seen? Cuz I wouldn’t mind just another case that stumps the boys because it’s an almost unheard f monster, those are fun and new 🤷‍♀️ but maybe… omg some version of the Loch Ness monster. Idk it’d be interesting to see to have to deal with that.. or maybe what was it.. tree nymph and… what are the creatures who reside in the water called? 25. Who’s your favorite girl that Dean’s hooked up with?: 
Omg um… ok that girl that he sorta shacked up with when he was a demon in season 10..? …Yeah probably her So I checked and her name is Anne Marie!… 26. Who’s your favorite girl that Sam’s hooked up with?: 
Eileen - she was a huntress, so could take of herself, and Dean as just an absolutely amazingly (supportive) teasing elder bro about it 27. What are some of your favorite convention moments?: 
Omg I don’t think I’ve seen enough to decide but… I think whenever J2M comfort each other. Those are just so soft and sweet and give us an insight to their friendship that just 🤤😍 28. If you were going to guest star (or be a recurring guest star) on SPN, how would you want your character to be described?: 
Well fuck me I’d love to be a badass huntress cuz it’s something I’m obviously not IRL… or maybe someone who isn’t aware of the Supernatural world until the boys come along and then I prove really useful for heir research because of something and then somehow I get dragged into the world and I’m actually pretty good? Yeah, there’s a pattern there isn’t it 29. What do you hope to see in the next season?: 
Apart from Castiel and Rowena and Crowley alive? Idk Jack not being the next big bad, hopefully a break from big bads for the boys and after they get Cass and Mary back and hopefully just leave Lucifer to rot in the alternate universe, just go on some cases and take some time to cool down you know? 30. - 40. If you had to choose… Bobby or John?: 
Bobby!!!!! I mean hell yeah I would seriously love to see how the boys would react if John came back, but that would probably ensure that a lot of drama and fights would be quick to ensue as well, so yeah. Bobby Bela or Ruby? 
Well ok I liked the first Ruby because as Katie Cassidy went, we didn’t know for sure Ruby was not to be trusted. But overall Ruby was pure evil.. and I actually felt bad when Bela died while I didn’t for Ruby - felt relieved when Ruby died actually -so yeah. Bela Jess or Madison?: 
erm… Madison, maybe? Jo or Lisa?: 
Jo… I actually shipped her with Dean more than I ever will with Lisa, truth be told Charlie or Kevin? 
Ergh both but.. Charlie first? Balthazar or Ash?: 
oooh they were both good.. but.. maybe Ash? Cas or Crowley? 
Ooh Cass but ugh Crowley is definitely a close second! Ben or Claire? 
Claire Jody or Donna? 
Jody :) Sam or Dean?: 
Mm Dean first, but of course Sam next immediately I'ma tag: @deanwinbean @thewincestfeels @atmaandauraofdean @doctor–idiot @deanandcastrash @all-i-need-is-destiel And y'all don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, it’s totally cool 🙂

[nomercles]

spn meme

Oh, fun!  Thanks, @zmediaoutlet​!

1.  What season did you start watching SPN?

Between 4 and 5.  I was in a game and our GM was a HAAAACK, and also a big mouth, and so he figured out that when he wholesale lifted the plot of the show he’d finally did something I liked and found interesting, and tried to curry favor by telling me all about this show I’d really love.  Except I’m actually smart, and figured out pretty damned fast that I was basically priestess!Sam, which is flattering I guess, but still pretty shitty.  And I immediately dropped the game and kept the show.

2.  Who was the first character you fell in love with?

Oh, Dean.  Absolutely.  He was exactly my type, and Jared Padalecki looks like the cleaned-up Hollywood version of the dominant who’d just dropped my ass and it freaked me out quite a lot.  Dean’s love for him won me over, though.

3.  Who was a character you hated at first, but grew to love?

I don’t know that love is as strong as I’m feeling, but I’m going to go with Rowena and Naomi.  They finally got really interesting, just before they died.  Why the hell do the writers do that?  (rhetorical question)  And a touch of Sam, because of the aforementioned bad relationship timing business, but I got over it fairly quickly.  (And bonus?  It helped me get over the guy faster, too.  “This is who you could have been, you asshat!”)

4.  Which character would you most like to be in a long-term relationship with?

Oh.  Um.  Here’s the trick.  This answer will be different in about a week.  Ask again for variety.  Right this second, I’m going with Jody or Benny.  Jody just hits every single one of my buttons, and Benny is really not far behind.  Ohhhh, can I have Jody/Ellen/Benny?  Is that greedy?

5.  If you could go on just one date with one character, which one would you choose?

Oof.  Meanie.  Yeah, I’m going with Dean.

6.  What would you do on the date?

I do love a nice car.  I’m a girl of varied tastes.  I can do aperitifs in the parlor just as easily as burgers in a bar.  But I love someone who’s uncomplicated--or if they are complicated, they’re self-soothing.  I just think Dean could make it fun.  Unpretentious, easy, and fun.  I don’t date easily or well at all, and being with someone who could help us over the bumpy bits would be nice.  (I think I basically have been on a date with Dean, and it was just about perfect.  They made for the perfect one-night-stand, if I’m only ever going to have one.)

7.  Which character would you most want to be like?

Ellen.  It takes a hell of a woman to go through everything she has and to still have her shit together, and she still has steel and velvet in her spine.  She’s tough, but not hard, and she doesn’t tolerate fools lightly, and she will absolutely go to war for you, if you’re one of hers.  I admire the hell out of her.

8.  Which character would you most like to see brought back from the dead?

No one.  Let people fucking die.  Let death have meaning again.  The story is so much more interesting and powerful if there are some fucking consequences.  That said, I do wonder how an older and wiser Sam and Dean would handle being faced with a new roster of Special Children.

9.  Which character would you most like to punch?

Most?  That’s hard.  Balthazar.  Or Zachariah.  Or really, and this would please me greatly, lock them in a room together and never let them out and tell me how that goes.

10.  Who is your absolute favorite character?

SamDeanSam&Dean.  If I put that all together we can pretend it’s just one character, yes?  Okay, fine.  Sam and Dean, the unit.

11.  Which “big bad” do you think was the worst?

Toss up between Metatron and Azazel.  I hated Metatron the most, but Azazel was most frightening to me.  Often, it’s the lesser-bads that are more unbearable to me.

12.  Which character are you most like?

You know, someone told me just recently that I’m a lot like Donna.  I don’t think this is a question I can answer for myself.  I know myself pretty well, but I still come armed with pre- and misconceptions.  I know who I want to be, and I know who I think I’ve been.  I don’t have a solid grasp on how others see me.

13.  What death hit you the hardest?

Bobby’s, or Dean’s latest one.  Though, again, repeated returns cheapen it.  Oh, man, and Ellen and Jo going out had me bawling.  I think those are the only ones that have had me needing to take a break.

14.  What season finale hit you the hardest?

5.  And then 11.

15.  What are your ten all-time favorite episodes?

Oh, man, I hate you so much right now.  This is going to take some thinking.

(2.14) Born Under a Bad Sign

(3.10) Dream a Little Dream of Me

(4.01) Lazarus Rising

(5.04) The End

(5.14) My Bloody Valentine

(5.16) Dark Side of the Moon

(6.04) Weekend at Bobby’s

(7,10) Death’s Door

(8.06) Southern Comfort

(10.05) Fan Fiction

(12.04) American Nightmare

I tried.  I really did.  There’s eleven.  I couldn’t get it lower.  Chronological order, rather than order of preference.  And to be honest, I’m probably wrong on a couple, but now my brain hurts, and this is what you get.

16.  What’s been your favorite season?

Ohhh, so, fun discovery!  I always hate the current season for a while, and then a few watches later, I’ll realize that I fucking love that thing.  (S7 being the exception so far.  Still don’t care for it.)  But I’m going to go with S4-5, because I can’t separate them.  They flow too beautifully together.

17.  Who is your favorite angel?

Super unpopular--though not surprising--opinion: it is decidedly not Cas.  Probably Gabriel.  He’s not a good guy, but he’s fucking interesting.  And that whole “run from my problems, make things worse, try to be heroic but maybe it’s too late by now” thing is a trend for me.  Though, thank Chuck, not on quite such a cosmic scale.

18.  Who’s your favorite demon?

Meg, Ruby, Casey, Alastair, War.  I’m not good at this There Can Be Only One thing.  And all of those appeal in completely different ways, so I can’t really compare them anyway.  Meg had such an interesting character development.  Ruby was so smug, and for all that she was sly, she was also kind of clumsy.  Moments of brilliance, but she wasn’t any kind of master manipulator.  I wonder if she could have done it without the blood.  Casey seemed like she had some fascinating stories in there, and she was the first demon we really got to see as a person.  Alastair was...God.  *shudder*  And War was just so cheerful about it all.  He knew his job, he liked his job, and he was secure.

19.  Who’s your favorite evil character?

Alastair.  And a runner-up of Azazel!John.

20.  Do you have any Supernatural ships?

Have you met me?  Die-hard Wincester over here.  Dimpala.  And what’s the one for Death/Dean?  I don’t read that one very often, but there are some good fic.  And for Sam, I kinda like asexual Sastiel and cozy snuggly Sevin.

21.  Who’s your favorite supporting actor?

Oh, man, it’s between Charles Malik Whitfield, Ruth Connell, and Aldis Hodge.  I have liked literally everything I have seen Whitfield do, I followed Hodge over to Leverage, and I could watch Ruth Connell say “moose” all damned day.

22.  What’s your favorite quote from the show?

...is there a database of good SPN quotes somewhere that I can consult?  Because I think I need one for this question.  Maybe Meg: “Look, I'm simpler than you think. I've figured one thing out about this world – just one, pretty much. You find a cause, and you serve it. Give yourself over, and it orders your life. Lucifer and Yellow Eyes – their mission was it for me.”

23.  If you could cast one famous actor in an episode of SPN, who would it be?

Fuck, man, I don’t know.  *stares at DVD shelf*  Brendan Fraser or Sam Elliott. 

24.  If you could write your own episode, what kind of creature would you like to see included?

ooo!  I’d like to see them dig into some very local monsters.  Not local to me, but personal to America monsters.  Try to hunt down a Thunderbird.

25.  Who’s your favorite girl that Dean’s hooked up with?

Tara Benchley.  She just looked so satisfied.  Or Suzy Lee from (9.08) Rock and a Hard Place.

26.  Who’s your favorite girl that Sam’s hooked up with?

Dr. Cara Roberts.  I have an affection for women who are just there for fun and aren’t interested in anything more.  Not because I don’t want the guys to have outside relationships (though, I don’t, because that’s not what I’m watching the show for), but I like women who just know what they want and are interested in playfully objectifying the guys.

27.  What are some of your favorite convention moments?

I don’t really watch the con videos much.  I will every so often, but the sound is always crap, and I get a headache.  I do quite like watching Jensen sing, though.  Hot damn.

28.  If you were going to guest star (or be a recurring guest star) on spn, how would you want your character described?

Cheerful, and snarky.  I’m gonna die anyway, I might as well be fun.

29.  What do you hope to see in the next season?

The Winchesters just being Winchesters.  Unless I am very much mistaken, this is the last season, so how about we go back to the show I fell in love with?  Like all mythic characters, Sam and Dean are both inherently human, and deeply divine.  So how about we get shit like the great icons trying to find clothes that fit them, or arguing over who left red socks in the laundry and why the hell do we even have red socks, Sam.  I want the show to end as beautifully as it could have been if they’d actually stopped at the end of 5.

30-40.  If you had to choose...

Bobby or John?  After all this time, John.  Let Bobby die.

Bela or Ruby?  Ruby.

Jess or Madison?  No opinion.  Madison, just because Jess carries the same problems as Mary.

Jo or Lisa?  Jo.

Charlie or Kevin?  Kevin.

Balthazar or Ash?  ASH.

Cas or Crowley?  Crowley.

Ben or Claire?  Claire.

Jody or Donna?  Jody.  That’s a tough one, though.

Sam or Dean?  No.  I’m not even going to entertain this one.

[mittensmorgul]

8.01, We Need To Talk About Kevin.

and

8.02, What's Up, Tiger Mommy?

Dean's back from his vacation to Purgatory, again completely not processing Cas's decision to stay there. Much the same way Cas had refused to engage with his own guilt in the latter part of s7, Dean is now playing the same game with his own guilt and grief, battling feelings of worthlessness at not having been able to "save" Cas.

And like at the beginning of s7, he's once again lost Cas to Purgatory.

DEAN: Yeah, Cas didn't make it. SAM: What exactly does that mean? DEAN: Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy towards the end, and he... just let go. SAM: So Cas is dead? You saw him die? DEAN: I saw enough. SAM: So, then what, you're not sure? DEAN: [turning back to SAM] I said I saw enough, Sam.

And here we have Dean refusing to face what happened...

Meanwhile we also learn how Sam has effectively been running away from his entire life again.

DEAN: I wasn't dead. [He stands up and walks around SAM.] In fact, I was knee-deep in God's armpit killing monsters, which, I thought, is what we actually do. SAM: Yes, Dean. And far as I knew, what we do is the thing that got every single member of my family killed. I had no one – no one. And for the first time in my life, I was completely alone. And, honestly, I-I didn't exactly have a roadmap. So, yeah, I-I fixed up the Impala, and I just... drove. DEAN: After you looked for me. [SAM says nothing.] Did you look for me, Sam? [SAM looks away.] Good. That's good. Now, we – we... always told each other not to look for each other. That's smart. Good for you. Of course, we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each another, but not this time, right, Sammy? SAM: Look, I'm still the same guy, Dean. DEAN: Well, bully for you. I'm not.

And here we have the upcoming character conflict that will power us through all the rest of s8 (and s9, and s10... and through a good bit of s11) (welcome to Marshmallow Era).

(CROWLEY: Really, Dean, who writes your stuff? A marshmallow?)

DEAN: Nothing. Is that, uh, that how you rationalized taking a year off? People will be okay? SAM: People were okay, Dean. You're okay. DEAN: Wow. SAM: Look, I did what we promised we'd do. I moved on. I lived my life. DEAN: Yeah, no, I'm getting that. SAM: Look, it wasn't like I was... just oblivious. I mean, I read the paper every day. I saw the weird stories… [He sits down on the other bed facing DEAN] …the kind of stuff we used to chase. DEAN: And you said what? "Not my problem"? SAM: Yes. And you know what? The world went on. DEAN: People died, Sam. SAM: People will always die, Dean. Or maybe another hunter took care of it. I don't know, but the point is, for the first time, I realized that it wasn't only up to me to stop it.

Because this is what Sam has always tried to run away from. Only this time, Kevin was the fallout of it. I hate, hate, hate this. But heck, it does provide the drama for a good long time to come... fueling Sam's "penance" and self-sacrifice. Except it's coming from this deeply toxic place that Cas's came from in staying in Purgatory, and that Dean's will come from in taking on the Mark of Cain.

DEAN: Okay, if this kid is right, he's sitting on a bombshell. Hell, he is the bombshell. [SAM looks away.] What? SAM: That. I mean, there's no way that Kevin's getting out of this intact, is there? DEAN: Well, he's doing pretty well for himself so far. SAM: Yeah, he got out. DEAN: And now he's in it... whether he likes it or not. SAM: So...free will, that's only for you?

Aaaaahhahhhahhahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa >.>

Dear Sam: no. Dean's literally never had free will of his own. He literally gave it up the moment John put you in his arms and told him to run outside as fast as he could and not look back. Or... probably longer. Especially considering they're Chuck's favorite characters...

Does Dean like ANY of this? I mean, he's long ago accepted he's good at it. He's long ago accepted he's not really suited to any other sort of life. And he's long ago accepted that he's the kind of person who just can't sit by knowing that the bad stuff is still happening in the world, when there's a chance he might be able to stop it. He knows he can't just... know about it all, and just assume someone else will fix it, that it's not his problem anymore. Meanwhile, Sam believes (and has ALWAYS believed) that he absolutely could...

And all of this interpersonal crap continues into...

8.03, Heartache.

DEAN: All right, man, look, I get it. You took a year off to do yoga and play the lute, whatever, but I'm back. Okay, we're back, which means that we walk and kill monsters at the same time. We'll find Kevin. But in the meantime, do we ignore stuff like this? Or are innocent people supposed to die so that you can shop for produce?

DEAN: I don't know about you, but this last year has given me a new perspective. SAM: I hear you. Believe me. DEAN: I know where I'm at my best, and that is right here, driving down crazy street next to you. SAM: Makes sense. DEAN: Yes, it does. SAM: Or... maybe you don't need me. I mean, maybe you're at your best hacking and slicing your way through all the world's crap alone, not having to explain yourself to anybody. DEAN: Yeah, that makes sense, seeing as I have so many other brothers I can talk to about this stuff. SAM: Look, I'm not saying I'm bailing on you. I'm just saying make room for the possibility that we want different things. I mean, I want my time to count for something. DEAN: So, what we do doesn't count?

WELL THIS IS A MIXED BAG HERE IN CONTEXT, But in the larger context of the ongoing story, and where we know they go over the next 7 years, this... is tentatively a step in the right direction, despite it coming from a really fucked up toxic source here in the context of this episode.

Sam's spot on with the realization that they both might want different things, but right now Dean's just grateful enough to be alive and back in the real world to even think about what he might WANT, other than to return to the relatively normalcy he'd lost while in Purgatory. And for him, that's hunting on the road with Sam. The dude is NOT asking for a lot here, Sam.

Plus, Dean's already tried Sam's way, of living a normal life and pretending nothing bad exists in the world, and he HATED it, couldn't do it, and wouldn't chose that for himself again. He can't even begin to understand how Sam could pretend the vast majority of his life just didn't happen and go play house with someone as if he was a person (and not a hunter, to use Bobby's harsh metaphor from 7.09).

So therein lies their disconnect. And Sam isn't pushing this agenda just because he sees them havving their own lives, their own goals and interests, as a HEALTHY thing. No, Sam's still choosing that as a reaction, as "running away" from his life. They're nowhere CLOSE to figuring out how to balance their individual wants and needs and desires. They're still on the "all in or all out" mindset of extremes. Which drives so much of their interpersonal drama for the next few years...

DEAN: Wow. Back in business. Got the win. Admit it – feels good, huh? You know, I was thinking about what Randa said about, uh, you know, what it feels like to be a warrior. I get it, man, I do. SAM: I know. I know you do. I don't. Not anymore. Hell, maybe I never did. DEAN: Come on, Sam, don't ruin my buzz, would you? SAM: Dean, listen, when this is over – when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet – I'm done. I mean that. DEAN: No, you don't. SAM: Dean, the year that I took off, I had something I've never had. A normal life. I mean, I got to see what that felt like. I want that. I had that.

This is Dean's idea of "normal." He understands this life. And Sam feels even more like it's something he's been dragged into against his will over and over again.

What he had was an illusion. I mean, it actually all did happen, but he sees it in this weird idealistic way in his memories, with too-bright lighting, the cinematic equivalent of rose colored glasses. Which we get to see from an outsider's perspective in...

8.04, Bitten.

The couple leaves and MICHAEL or BRIAN’s camera zooms in on SAM and DEAN.

SAM: All right. There is not a case here. DEAN: There is a case here. You're rusty. We just got to dig a little deeper. Come on. DEAN walks towards the IMPALA and after a moment SAM follows him. BRIAN: Dude, it's so crazy. MICHAEL: Is it just me or are you getting a workplace-romance vibe from those two?

>.>

I mean, Dean's right, Sam's rusty, but at least a little of it is the same thing he expressed in 8.03. He doesn't want to "waste time" on these minor cases when they still have the True Mission of finding Kevin, translating the demon tablet, and slamming the gates of Hell forever... which... yiiiikes.

Reminder to anyone who hasn't read everything I've ever written about s8 before, but I still see this as the one time the Winchesters ALMOST pulled something just as horrific as Cas letting all the souls out of Purgatory, but slammed on the brakes at the last second and saving things. Unfortunately Cas was manipulated (again!) by Metatron into doing the same thing to Heaven and dumping the angels onto the Earth. I mean... thank heck Dean didn't let Sam go through with THAT particular act of hubris, right? Because they really were in the wrong trying to mess with the natural order that badly in the first place. And honestly, EVERYTHING they did after that point was cleaning up the messes they ALL made here... including the Mark of Cain and the Darkness... they stumbled into those things from a place of guilt over all this other nonsense... and they're just now FINALLY getting back to the root cause of all of it in 14.20...

but back to this episode... or these four episodes I guess...

MICHAEL: The FBI is trying to kill me. KATE: Shut up! Everybody, shut up, okay? First things first, those guys – those guys aren't FBI, all right? I'm pretty sure that FBI agents don't say "awesome" that much. You know? And – and they definitely don't hunt and kill college kids. MICHAEL: Did – did they say anything else? BRIAN: Dude, they just sat and talked about how they have been apart for a year. You were probably right about that whole office-romance thing. MICHAEL: I'm screwed. I'm screwed. BRIAN: Kate, come on. What are we supposed to do? KATE: Okay, you know what? You guys, you're missing the big picture, okay? They – they don't know about you, Michael. They're looking for whoever, whatever bit you in the first place, the pureblood. That... that gives us some time... to figure it out, you know?

Even random strangers pick up on the creepy codependency vibes.

KATE: I didn't finish Brian's movie to justify what happened. To be totally honest, I'm not really even sure if I understand it at all. I just wanted you to know that – that Michael wasn't always a monster. None of us were. I'm leaving. And you'll never hear from me ever again. Look, I know that there's another way. I can eat animal hearts. [A tear rolls down her face.] I've never hurt anyone. Nobody human, anyway. I didn't choose this. Please... please give me a chance.

Which...

SAM: Look, Kate's right. She hasn't hurt anybody – well, anybody human at least. DEAN: Yeah, she didn't – she didn't choose this. Let's give her a shot. SAM: Seriously? DEAN: Yeah, yeah. SAM: And, look, if Kate pops back up, I mean, if she strays, then no questions asked. [He unplugs the hard drive and laptop on the desk and picks them up.] We do what we got to do and, um, we take her down.

Which is a very different result from such past episodes as 7.03 and 7.13. And hey, progress... At this point in the narrative, every little step into the grey area, away from the absolutes that still rule their lives, counts.