#mental health mention

[heartnosekid]

hello friends, i feel it necessary to update y’all on my condition and to explain my general absence.

over this past week and some change, i have been having a severe mental health crisis. i won’t go into details too heavily, but i’m still a little “in it”, though it has calmed down pretty significantly. to explain the severity, i was at a 12 out of 10, and now i’m at a 7 and occasionally a 6, if that makes sense. i am still debating going inpatient for the time being, just to get my meds figured out, but my mental and physical health teams are still kind of divided on the matter.

however, i feel it necessary to say, i am and have not been a danger to myself during this crisis. i had just been having a significant and precipitous physical and mental decline that was mostly anxiety and panic related, but i believe i am now on the mend, albeit going slow. medication is still an ongoing issue but hopefully within the next few days, my team and i can get that resolved and squared away.

i have received some kind messages asking if i am okay and sending well wishes, and i appreciate you all so incredibly much. you have made this more bearable for me, and i am endlessly thankful for all of you.

that said, i’m not sure when consistent posting will resume. i feel like i could begin working on requests again, but i don’t want to say it will be consistent or push myself too hard right now. especially if i do decide to go inpatient! however, the queue will not stop posting regardless of what happens because i am queued up till september lol but i will post another update if hospitalization is what i decide to do.

i love you all so very much!!! thank you for your support and love and kind words during this incredibly difficult time in my life. i will be back, hopefully soon in full swing and with amazing vigor! ☺️ i will talk to y’all soon, ilysm 💕

- ish 💕

[trixree]

he is RISEN baby girl

hello hello! yes i'm alive, just very mentally ill. things are on the up and up and i have mega brainrot right now so i decided to try and get back on the "being a person" horse. you may see i've just posted some poolverine smut to AO3 here.

if you've sent me messages during my year hiatus (especially regarding commissions) I love and appreciate you and will be responding SOON, i PROMISE!

long ramble about where i'm at/life update below the cut.

May of 2023, I graduated with my masters. yaaay woo but also booo because it didn't help me get a job at all! i finally landed a paying gig in September of 2023 after sending out quite literally hundreds of applications. i only had two interviews total and a mountain of auto-rejections to show for it and it took an immense toll on my mental health. It started what was (in hindsight) a year of a prolonged downward spiral.

i already really struggled with self worth and turns out riding the merry-go-round of job hunting rejection cranked my depression up to new heights. for the first time in a long time, i found myself so low as to be entertaining thoughts of suicide. my eating disorder peaked the hardest it has since high school. i had also moved out of my parents house and in with my partner May of 2023 and was readjusting to being out of a traumatic environment. i had panic attacks anytime he came into a room too quietly and surprised me for months. I found myself isolated from most of my friends (partly because of my own communication death-spiral depression paralysis) and also because i moved to a different city than all of them to live with my partner again (0 complaints there, i love the city i live in and love my home with my partner and our bird children. however i miss my fucking friends, and the loneliness compounded the Despair Arc i was having.) My fucking health insurance changed because my previous policy holder retired and i lost some medications for a period of time, stressing my body in bad ways. a really bad spell of migraines compounded things chemically for the worst.

i borrowed some money to return to my therapist and my doc recently upped my antidepressant dose, and I can tell that both of those things but ESPECIALLY that last one there has helped already. My partner, closest friends, and even some coworkers have said I seem much better, too. I'm hopeful about it. Optimistic, even!

i did get a job working for a behavioral health nonprofit that provides outpatient psychiatric services in administration. It pays in fucking sheckles and pennies (nonprofits be like) and psych is a challenging environment to say the least. it was another 6-month fight to hammer out disability accommodations with HR. my body is a machine that consumes paid leave. as any of you that have danced an accommdations dance can probably attest, it sucks so goddamn bad. i had basically round after round of requests for my doctors to fill out paperwork that amounted to "will they get better? Are you sure? Alright, please estimate how often this person will need this accommodation in hours per week." of course it took an immense mental health toll, too. i kick ass at what i do and i do it chronically understaffed but it's really hard to feel secure anywhere when you're constantly missing work due to uncontrollable Body Bad Times (migraine, explosive diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, my three horsemen). especially if someone has a grudge, and someone did, which added extra layers of complexity.

i'll be honest, it's good to have something to get out of bed to go do 5/7 days of the week (i was going stir crazy without employment) but i'm running myself ragged and barely making it financially. not only was this body i have NOT built for an 8-5, i have less than 15$ to my name right now to show for it and i keep having to borrow money from my family for medication. but i truly love the people i work with and feel like i get to do good for my community where i'm at, and that's something folks!

speaking of health, i kind of got my gut stuff figured out? not really. but also yes! i don't have a diagnosis of any kind but i have a treatment that's WORKING for the constant nausea i was always blogging about last year. my GI put me on domperidone before meals and oh my god, total fucking game changer. no longer am i burping up half-digested food and walking around with 24/7 debilitating nausea AND my appetite even kicks in when i take the damn pills!!! the only down side is that domperidone is not FDA approved in the USofA because of sudden cardiac failure or what the fuck ever so i have to pay out of pocket for all of it. that's a good 150$ per month on top of all my other medication, so that's a bummer. but god, to have something that works!!! it's been so nice. no sudden heart failure yet, fingers crossed.

i have really bad executive dysfunction when it comes to responding to messages (i currently have 100+ unread text messages from friends and family) but i'm challenging myself to work through my backlog of messages in the coming days, so stay tuned if you've DM'd me in the last year. thank you for thinking of me and i appreciate you endlessly.

as for commissions, my life is just too unpredictable for me to be as consistent with those as i'd wanted to be. as much as having the bonus income was really amazing, i just feel like i'm too flakey and unreliable to deliver on that regularly and that's just a shitty thing to do to someone. (please check your DMs if this describes an interaction we had with me.)

i'm sorry if this decision is disappointing to anyone, but i think i'm going to stick to having a kofi live if folks feel inclined to show appreciation for any fic i post and maybe taking a comm very very rarely, once in a blue moon when circumstances allow. I do want to honor anyone that messaged me about a comm during my year hiatus. Please check your DMs. for my casual reader: none of my current projects on AO3 are abandoned. i've never stopped working on them this past year, even if it has only been in my notes app. i really want to start posting more regularly again. i miss the outlet immensely. I think it's good for me, creatively and for a sense of community. i hope you all understand and thank you. thanks for still being here.

[zuzsenpai]

mental health update

I've been having a pretty shit year as far as mental health goes. I mean, I had an actual mental health crisis in February that was one of the scariest times in my life. It was all because I was trying to taper off a psych med and apparently that was a BAD idea.

In the months that followed, I was able to avoid a bad depression spiral thanks to getting back on that particular med. But I've been getting more and more exhausted, and when I have anxiety, I have it REAL bad. Like shaking and chest pain bad. Thought I had covid and nearly passed out waiting the 15 minutes for the test results. Zuko was sick and had surgery and I was in a constant state of misery and shaking and dizziness. I know I should probably get like... Xanax or something for this. Maybe I will in the future.

Anyway, my focus is almost non-existent these days. During and after Zuko's health crisis last month, I have been at a point where my brain just can't move. I think I've spent the last 30 days scrolling tumblr because that and projects at work (the ones with deadlines) are the only things I can actually get my brain to do.

I want to work on fanfic. So I open a project, but then am immediately like "no I can't get myself to mentally be on the same page as this project". I think about a different project and my chest feels tight because I both want to do it and don't want to do it. It's painful. I accomplish nothing. I want to play a game or watch a show but the thought of putting effort into those things destroys my ability to do them. I just sit and continue scrolling tumblr. I long for conversation but when I'm actually conversing with someone, I can only manage a few words and I hate myself for it. I long for validation or praise on past projects to help motivate me into writing fanfic again, but I know that's selfish and I know it doesn't motivate shit.

This is where I am right now. I don't know how to have fun or relax. I don't know how to focus on anything. I don't know how to want to focus on anything. I waste entire days fretting about doing nothing.

I've also never been more exhausted in my life. I got bloodwork done on vitamin D, B12, iron, and thyroid. All are within normal range. So I'm getting a consultation with a sleep doctor (I get about 5% deep sleep per night, which is NOT good). We'll see how that goes.

I'm starting an exercise routine soon. I'm hoping that does something helpful. But I keep pushing the date back in my mind like "let's start exercising next week"... so you can imagine how that's going.

[brain-rot-central]

hi! i don’t want to come off as impatient or pushy but i was wondering when the next chapter of sonnet would be coming out?

i love ur work and ur a great writer btw!!

No no, entirely fair. It's been two months lmao.

Eventually. I had a spicy little *~menty b~* in early July and I've been in this odd transformative period ever since. I really only feel "okay" as of like, two weeks ago. Therapy is great, highly recommend.

So I've been back writing and plotting for Sonnet and I'm trying to factor in how long do I actually want the story to be because it's fucking OCTOBER in a couple weeks and I started this in February.

I'm working on it. I really have no other words to say other than that. I was originally planning for Tav to not tell anyone else about her current state but I may change that. Why? Because I can. And why should she feel ashamed about what happened? It's not entirely her fault.

I created her from my own brain and I should be nicer to her. I love her and she deserves the world. She's not this helpless maiden stuck in purgatory. She's Durge -- she's killed people with only her hands. Girl can dispose of sassy vampire lord quite easily, should she need to. It's Astarion that needs to remember that.

That all being said, I sat with it a bit yesterday again. I haven't given up on it! Sorry it's taking so long.

[theethlezprincez]

how do people not feel so fucking embarrassed and dumb asf when you ask a person with a psychotic disorder or any type of psychotic or hallucination issue what they are hallucinating? like be actually so fr

people underestimate how personal that question actually is.

if the person experiencing it wants to tell you and talk about it with you it’s different but don’t ask only because you know they have it.

if you do that gfy 🥰

it pisses me of so bad like it’s NONE of you’re goddamn business

[kitten-forward]

[undertale-predator-au]

Undertale AU Predatortale!Papyrus route- Chapter 7- Dance of the Spaghetti

TRIGGER WARNING: DDDNE, character death, blood, panic attacks

Silence. That was all that remained in the room where Papyrus was resting in his bed, peering at the ceiling through half-open eyes as he listened to the only audible sound being the soft breathing of the sleeping human close by. Although he was tired, exhausted even from his sudden onset of dizziness that nearly sent him to the floor earlier that evening, he was still struggling against the urge to finally drift off. Given how his brother had been acting, he couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of unease at what he may be planning to do should Papyrus finally drift off to sleep. However, as time passed, there was no sign of movement outside the door, no creeping shadow from underneath where light peered in from the hallway, just silence.

As he felt it become more difficult to fight against his body’s desire for rest, the tall skeleton had to wonder if perhaps he had this whole situation all wrong. After all, even though it was suspicious for him to suggest Papyrus have the human close to him, the way that Sans had presented the idea with obvious understanding of Papyrus’s doubt had left a twinge of guilt on his soul for having spoken so poorly about him to the human. Sans wasn’t a bad brother, far from it, he always acted with Papyrus’s wellbeing in mind, but this human child suddenly showing up was all too convenient.

Easy prey.

Papyrus jolted, his bones rattling for a moment before he slowly steady his breathing. Why on earth would that come to mind? They weren’t prey. Far from it in fact. They were lost, afraid, and of all the monsters in the underground to find them it was Sans. They needed help, they needed to be protected, they-

A sound echoed from where Frisk layed, drawing Papyrus’s gaze away from the door as he shifted his skull to see them stirring in their sleep. An audible whimper emanated from their trembling frame as they curled in on themselves. Then they spoke in a whisper. An apology mumbled into the quiet atmosphere as they then became still again. He had to wonder what they were apologizing for, let alone to who. Perhaps they had a fight and ran away from home? No doubt someone was worried about them, searching for them even.

Papyrus quietly exhaled, turning his skull away as he gazed at the door once more. Wherever this human child came from, they had to have had a home, a family, and just like how much Sans cared for him, no doubt they had someone who was equally concerned. Such a thought more than bolstered the tall skeleton’s resolve to see the child kept safe from harm. However, the longer he stared at the door, the more difficult it became to keep his eye sockets in focus. It was a matter of seconds before sleep finally took him, whisking him away into the peaceful cradle of his own dreams.

In the other room, Sans stared at the wall that separated his and Papyrus’s room. The silence on the other side had him grimace in annoyance as he lightly tapped his foot. He wasn’t sure how long it would be for the medicine to take effect, but he was starting to grow impatient. Where it was true that he did feel bad for the kid, he had to remember that this was for the good of his brother. Papyrus could not go on much longer just on substitute alone. Sans, Gaster as well, had both found means of retaining their strength, some less moral than the usual method of hunting humans, but Papyrus had gone on starving himself for much longer than their entrapment.

Sans never liked hunting anything that wasn’t full grown, especially given the lack of meat for the effort put in, but he had in the past needed to deal with such situations, as distasteful as they were. However, even though he felt bad for the human he had put in the lion's den, he still had a lingering feeling in him that somehow they deserved it. Sure, Sans’s inaction had led to a lot of trouble in the past where he almost dusted, but there was something deeper that made him resent this human in particular, even if he couldn’t put a finger on the reason why.

Perhaps because they have wronged you several times in the past?

The annoying shrill echoed in his head uninvited once more, causing him to growl in annoyance as he continued listening for any changes on the other side of the wall. They were in the middle of executing a very crucial part of the plan to save his brother and for some reason they felt the need to feed into a passing thought? Though he couldn’t help but feel there was truth in that, as to how he couldn’t draw up any conclusions on that matter. After all, he had never met the kid before seeing them in the woods before Snowdin in the last run, so when would they have done anything to make him think they deserved to be served up on a silver platter?

Ah…so you don’t recall? It might make you feel better~

They hummed as they held that thought out like bait on a stick, Sans huffing in annoyance.

“...I don’t know what you’re keeping from me, but now is not the time, yeah?”

The voice let out a huff as they seemed to pout, but couldn’t deny that the skeleton had a point. Right now they had to ensure the success of their carefully laid out plan. After all, there was no telling when they would get another chance like this. With Papyrus’s suspicion of what Sans was up to, not to mention Gaster’s close monitoring of his activities, they likely only had this once shot to guarantee the survival of his brother. Sure, Sans could always have forced Papyrus to cooperate, but it had to be by Papyrus’s own two hands, even if coaxed by some carefully administered medication.

In the other room, Papyrus had drifted off to dreamland as a delicious thought came to mind. Spaghetti. It was an affordable food source, a shared culinary delicacy favored amongst the masses. In his dreams, all around him were plates of spaghetti, each more delicious looking than the last. As he freely traversed through this buffet laid before him, one plate called out to him with the most enticing aromas his nose had ever caught whiff of. The color, the presentation, this was truly the perfect plate. A culinary masterpiece beyond all measure. He approached it, reaching out, not even aware he was drooling at the time, trying to grab hold of it as it seemingly darted out of reach. The plate bounced around, dodging his attempts to grab hold. Although such a thing was unheard of, he paid it no mind, his instincts driving him to pounce after it, blocking it from traversing the path behind him as he cornered the meal.

Spaghetti wasn’t supposed to cry. It doesn’t scream. It doesn’t beg for help. It doesn’t talk after all, so all of it was easy for him to ignore as just his imagination. With one final pounce, he found himself absolutely delighted with the flavor of the sauce, the perfectly cooked noodles, and the delicious meatballs seasoned to perfection. Enjoying his meal, the cries he knew he had imagined started to fade away, first into a weak gurgling in the sauce, then total silence. Papyrus continued to eat, eating the plate as though he hadn’t eaten in days or even years. It was far beyond anything he had ever had before, truly a work of art from whatever chef had crafted it. However, as he took note of the messy plate and the sauce all over his hands, he started to feel something was odd about this dish.

It was wearing a striped shirt and shorts? Spaghetti doesn’t wear clothes. It had hair? Why, such a silly notion, spaghetti didn’t even have heads upon which to grow it. Perhaps the chef had a particular taste in the art of his culinary works? Truly, a bit difficult for even Papyrus to understand, but perhaps it was just one of many things he had yet to learn about the vast world of the art of pasta and pasta related affairs. Even so, it felt strange, the plate he was consuming, for it to have hair, for it to have clothes, and for it to have been crying? However, no tears were being shed anymore, no words pleading for him to stop, there was only silence now, as well as a very satisfied feeling in the skeleton’s belly. Licking his hands, he blinked a couple of times, the colorful world with plates on plates of spaghetti seemingly fading away into darkness, a smell of iron overtaking his senses as he felt his consciousness returning.

The colorful, brightly lit room that once held the buffet of his dreams had faded away to a pitch black, one that his vision began to adjust to ever so slowly. However, upon recognizing it as his room, he found the smell to be unfamiliar, as well as intoxicating as his drool dripped from his mouth down his jaw bone. With his vision becoming clearer than it had ever been before, he gazed down upon where the plate of spaghetti had been. Blinking once again, his eye sockets widened, horror slowly creeping upon his face as he gazed upon the mess in front of him. The body of a dead human laid before him, beyond repair, as a red glowing soul weakly flickered in place.

Silence continued for an hour more before there was a sudden sound of shuffling in the other room, along with the sound of growling. Sans took a step towards the wall, listening intently, before hearing that blood curdling cry that he had grown so accustomed to during his hunts. The sound of struggle. The sound of begging. He had to admit that even his appetite was getting a little riled up from it, but as silence fell once more, he could smell it. Blood. That was all the signal he needed before he heard a loud thud against the wall, along with the sound of his brother hyperventilating loudly in a panic, as Sans found himself bursting out of his room and over to the door leading to his brother’s.

“P-Papyrus? PAPYRUS?! Are you okay?!”

Sans didn’t wait for a response, throwing open the door and being blasted in the face by the all too familiar metallic smell of blood, causing him to cover his mouth to hide the drool that was emanating from him. Even with how well fed he kept himself with other means of nutrition, the smell of a live kill was enough to put any monster into a frenzy. Now was not the time though, his brother needed him. Badly. Rushing over to Papyrus’s side, he checked him over, not seeing any harm done to his brother, not even a scratch, but it was obvious he was in mental turmoil.

“Papyrus, hey! Look-Look at me! HEY!”

His brother continued to rattle his bones in a mental breakdown unlike any he had ever seen before. Sans remembered how Papyrus had saved the human last time by exhausting his magic and sending them to Waterfall, but it was obvious that this time had not been the case. Keeping his focus, he stood between Papyrus’s gaze at the fallen human, blocking the tall skeleton’s view of his first ever hunt as he placed a hand on his brother’s cheek.

“Hey…it’s okay…Paps…I’m here…”

Sans remained there, keeping his brother’s view of the corpse obscured until finally his brother took note of his presence. Shaky quick breaths began to slow, the rattling remaining at its peak as tears started to fall. Choking out words of apologies, of guilt and regret, Papyrus trembled as he broke down sobbing. Hugging his brother tightly, he buried his view into his brother’s oversized jacket, not wanting to see what he had done to the one he swore he would protect. Wailing loudly as Sans tried his best to console him, gently rubbing his back as tears soaked the hoody straight through.

“Shhh…it’ll be okay…it’ll all be okay…I promise…”

The tall skeleton continued to tremble and rattle in his arms, just like he had done all those years ago as a babybones when Sans had killed the human who had kidnapped him right in front of his eyes. Sans never liked seeing Papyrus like this, knowing how much his brother blamed him despite understanding the circumstances. However, in this instance, it had been Papyrus’s doing, and that guilt was weighing heavily upon him.

“I…S-Sans…! I…I didn’t mean…!”

Continuing to hold him close, Sans quietly shushed him more, all the while checking for any signs of instability in his brother’s soul. Truth was, monster souls were resilient, more so than a human’s which only lingered for a time before fading into nothingness, which unfortunately meant they had a limited window for the next step of the plan, and thus the next lie he needed to tell. With a shaky breath, Sans pulled Papyrus off slightly, looking at him.

“We can fix this…we just need…we need to get the soul to the old man…okay?” Papyrus shook his head, there was no fixing what he did. The human was dead, there was no fixing it, but still Sans persisted.

“I know it seems impossible, but you gotta trust me on this one, Paps…” Although Papyrus knew there was no fixing this, that even with the soul he couldn’t undo the damage, he had to wonder what Sans was talking about. Sans had found this human, Papyrus sought to protect them, but now there was only a dimly lit soul that seemed like it was about ready to go out at any moment. There was no time for questioning what Sans meant, however, if it were a lie or if it was true he could fix it, so Papyrus reluctantly let go of his hold on his brother, allowing for Sans to stand once more and turn to the mess that had been left behind.

Sans slowly approached the soul, it seemed to almost shudder in horror at the sight of him, but Sans simply pulled out a container from his inventory, one that Gaster had provided him on such occasions that the human was unable to be delivered in their entirety to the lab.

“Sorry…this is why I hate making promises, kid…but don’t worry…I got ya… The doctor will fix you up…promise…” Lies seemed to come so naturally to him as of late, likely the influence of his benefactor pulling the strings, but in this moment he felt it was a needed comfort, if only for his brother to hold onto the false hope that all this could be ‘fixed’ in some way. The soul’s trembling seemed to lessen with his words as well, the container enclosing and protecting the soul from permanently fading away as Sans looked upon it with a sigh of relief. Returning the container to his inventory, he glanced back at his brother, his eye sockets widening at what he saw. Papyrus was licking his hands. Tears were still flowing, his bones still rattling, but his brother continued, almost like he couldn’t stop, and it was obviously making him weep all the more.

The first kill was a different experience for all monsters. Case by case basis often had feelings of guilt, some more than others in taking the life of another sentient creature, but once you got over that, became numb to it, it was something you could find methods to ignore for the sake of the hunt. It seemed Papyrus, although reaching the conclusion that all were forced to come to terms within monsterkind, was definitely one of those who would carry the guilt for a long time, perhaps even with his subsequent hunts. Even so, he didn’t stop cleaning his hand, his teeth, tears adding unwanted saltiness, but not deterring him from his actions. Soft apologies emanated from Papyrus’s trembling form as Sans walked over and knelt down in front of his brother, continuing to console him, embracing his trembling brother as the seemingly longest night of his life came to a close.

---

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Start

[gaysexdungon]

Me: I seriously am going to end my shit right here I can’t keep doing this

Me five minutes later: watching tik tok in a silly goofy mood

[sofiaflorina2021]

Happy World Suicide Prevention Day 2024

Happy World Suicide Prevention Day, 10 September, 2024. 2024-2026 Theme: "Changing the Narrative on Suicide".

This triennial theme (2024-2026) is about rising awareness about the importance of reducing stigma and encouraging people to have open conversations to prevent suicides.

Every conversation about suicide is important no matter how small. This is so that everyone has awareness about suicide and its prevention, also makes a more understanding and supportive society.

[heartnosekid]

well, here’s an update y’all. i’m having a huge fibro / ibs / anxiety / panic flare due to having to do 3 rounds of antibiotics in less than a month. my belly is absolutely wrecked and i am just now able to start trying to repair it with probiotics and easy foods. aaand i’m still sick 🙃 so i’m probably gonna have to keep the queue running at one new gifset a day at least for the foreseeable future. however, i am still going to be working on requests and getting them completed as quickly as possible. thank you to everyone for being so understanding, i just wanted to post an update for those that asked if i was feeling better!!! i love you all!!!

- ish 💕

[gallium-spoon]

I'm about 100 pages into Rhythm of War and Kaladin has such clear and obvious clinical depression I am climbing the walls about it

And he doesn't know! He doesn't know that's what's wrong because Roshar hasn't invented depression diagnosis yet! He's just walking around like why am I sad all the time? Why do I feel disconnected from my friends and like nothing I do matters or is good enough? Boy you are capital D Depressed!!!

I need the ardents to get on inventing antidepressants and get my boy a Prozac prescription stat!

[zuzsenpai]

Deep dive into my personal thoughts on determining if I am autistic. Feel free to read or not read, but please refrain from dismissive language. I'm just trying to get this stuff written down and posted, because often that's cathartic for me. TW for negativity, mentions of mental illness, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I’ve been seriously considering the idea that I’m autistic for a little over a year now (probably longer if I’m being honest), though a conversation with a good friend yesterday sparked an interest in putting everything into writing. This past year was exceptionally bad as far as mental health is concerned, and I generally assumed depression and anxiety were responsible for a lot of my issues getting worse. And that’s definitely true. But as I thought about myself and became more aware of certain traits I have and things I do and say and think outside of just a depression standpoint, I kept wondering if I’ve been framing some things wrong for years. I had always assumed that certain things I do are “wrong” and “bad” because they’re caused by depression. When in fact they might be features of myself that can be reframed and understood better and I can learn to accept them. I’ve been wondering if getting screened for autism might be useful for me. I still don’t know. A lot of the things I’m about to list sound really negative. But I want to learn how to love myself and take care of myself so that positivity can come out of this.

So anyway, here are some things I do or think that, if I get screened for autism or at least dip my toes into the community, I might be able to understand more clearly. Not all of these are signs of autism, and some can absolutely be attributed to depression or self esteem issues, which I do have. But I want to get all of this down anyway.

Social anxiety. I have a lot of it. Always have, though I tended to mask it better in school. In my 30s, I’m not forced to interact with people outside of work, so my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I’m god awful at social interactions with almost everyone. Especially in-person social interactions (online is easier, though I tend to not have much to say in online conversations). Very close friends and immediate family are the only people I feel I can speak to properly, but even then I get nervous and have to really think before I say something. I think very carefully before every social interaction, and ponder them constantly afterwards. I tend to cancel plans VERY frequently if I feel like I can’t handle being around more people than just my close friends or immediate family. And when I am with new people, I fret constantly about being perceived as awkward. Which brings me to…

I have a deep fear of being perceived as awkward or weird. Of being recognized as someone who can’t communicate normally. I feel like an alien wandering around at all times. Everything I say sounds awkward coming from my mouth. Speaking leads to embarrassment. I sit in a room filled with extended family and all I can think of is how I can seem “normal” without having to talk to them. Because of this, I have become hyperaware of visual cues/facial cues/reactions of other people around me when I’m near them or speaking to them. I always thought that “recognizing social cues” meant that I couldn’t have autism. But I think in this case, I may have just worked extra hard to notice people’s reactions because of the fear of being perceived as different. I trained myself, if that makes sense. Though sometimes I realize too late that I actually said something weird, and I stress about it for weeks. Which brings me to…

I vocal stim. Because of my horrible fear of being perceived as awkward, I tend to replay social interactions in my head over and over for days and weeks after they happen. My brain does this thing where the moment I start to think about an awkward interaction, I immediately and involuntarily say a specific word out loud. It doesn’t happen in public while I’m in the situations, but it does happen every time I think about them afterwards, usually when I’m alone. This is a frequent, daily occurrence. I think of the vocal stim as trying to help me stop thinking about the thing, or reminding me that I’m thinking about it in the first place. When I hear myself say the word, I inwardly cringe for a moment, then try to refocus on something else. The word has changed a couple times over the years, but it’s usually the name of a fictional character I really like at the time.

I know this one will sound more like severe depression, but… My executive dysfunction is bad. REAL BAD. I have entire rooms of my house filled with garbage and junk because I can’t take a single step to clean and sort. Even the idea of taking a small step is stressful for me. Organization is a huge challenge. Starting any kind of task that involves cleaning or organizing gets me confused and anxious. And often even fun hobby tasks seem impossible to start or do, because my brain constantly tells me I don’t actually want to do them.

Also I space out and can’t focus when someone, like my mom, is talking to me. She complains that I don’t listen to details when she’s talking and she claims I “do it on purpose to spite her”. When in reality, I do it without thinking. It causes poor memory issues. One specific and horrible example is from last Christmas. My mom said she wanted new pot holders for Christmas— a specific kind that aren’t “mittens” and don’t include silicone grips, but instead are made of really thick fabric. She told me this a couple times, but for some reason I couldn’t process the details, or I immediately forgot them because I didn’t write them down. I eventually told my sibling that she could get the pot holders for my mom and I would get her something else on her list. But I neglected to tell my sibling any of the details of what my mom wanted. So my sibling got her really nice, big silicone grip oven mitts. When my mom opened them, she immediately said: “this isn’t what I wanted. Kristin I told you exactly what I wanted a dozen times. Did you seriously not listen? Why don’t you listen to me?” So in essence, I had completely ruined my sibling’s gift to my mom. I broke down and started sobbing. On Christmas. In front of my family. At age 35. My mom got really angry and told me I was crying on purpose to get sympathy, and that there’s no excuse for not listening to her, and that I’m being spiteful. I tried to explain to my family that lately I’ve been feeling like my brain doesn’t work properly. I don’t know if they really “got it”. It was AWFUL. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Anyway… on to other things…

When I get a new project at work, I have to ask a lot of questions and talk it out for a while with my manager (who is very patient), pretty much every time. Just takes a while to process things. I spiral a little if I don’t have all the facts of a project right away. And speaking of not processing, please do not ask me to play a card or board game with a zillion rules. My brain shuts down. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it and I get stressed when someone invites me to play a game I’ve never played before.

I often take things people say too seriously, or it takes me a while to process what they are joking about with enough time to respond properly. I work extremely hard to mask this. I do understand sarcasm and jokes, but often I don’t know how to react to them. For instance, I have an uncle (Uncle Mike) who is notorious for saying incomprehensible shit and making inscrutable jokes about people (I’m sure you can guess that he is NOT my favorite relative). I was with him the other day, along with another uncle (Uncle Dave) who I hadn’t seen in years. My dad said something like “oh everybody’s gone through a lot of dog drama this year”. Which is true, though I personally don’t have a dog and did not have “dog drama”. Uncle Mike turned to Uncle Dave and just said offhandedly “Oh don’t bring the dog drama up around Kristin.” The comment made zero sense and I didn’t recognize it as a bizarre joke right away (he didn’t even know my cat was sick). So I felt the need to defend myself to my other uncle. I turned to Uncle Dave and said “well no, I don’t have dog drama but I do have cat drama. My cat was sick and had surgery, but he’s doing a lot better now.” Then I kind of went off on a tangent explaining the cat’s surgery. My Uncle in turn had no idea how to react to this. So I felt extremely awkward afterwards and sat there quietly contemplating how fucking awkward I am and how I can’t take a joke (even when the jokes are inscrutable). Anyway.

I get VERY overstimulated and anxious when my parents force me to come with them to local hockey games (they love going). I despise it. The competitiveness, the angry fans, the tension, the fighting on the ice… it’s awful. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but I’m able to distract myself with the advertisements on the digital screens and the Jumbotron. But actually watching the game? Can’t do it. Serious overstimulation.

I have physical tics. I’ve cycled through different ones over the years— digging my fingernail into my palm, licking my lips, torso and neck twisting… etc.

I eat the same food every day. Takes A LOT to get me to branch out. I’m really picky. There are foods (like cheese, garlic, and fish) that just the idea of eating them makes me physically ill. I’ve actually puked from smelling mac & cheese and garlic pretzels cooking in the oven. I don’t have food texture issues, but I’m hypersensitive to taste and smell. I gag ALL the time when trying new foods, so I tend to avoid them.

I do hyperfixate on occasion. It’s not particularly extreme, but it does occur. Especially when I am too burnt out to do anything else, I find a single thing I really like doing at the time and become consumed by doing that one thing that makes me happy. Whether it’s writing fanfic for days on end or editing Digimon BGM or identifying bugs, I tend to ignore other tasks in favor of that one thing.

And finally, the suspected autistic burnout, which I am experiencing right now. I went through a VERY stressful August with my cat needing emergency surgery and his anxiety-inducing recovery. During that time and since then, my brain has been completely unable to start or focus on ANY task. I mindlessly scroll tumblr wishing I could do anything other than that, but feeling anxiety when I try. I’m exhausted. Everything makes me exhausted. Existing makes me mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been really withdrawn.

Anyway, in general, I’ve always felt that I didn’t have traits that would get me diagnosed as autistic. And there’s a good chance I won’t be diagnosed. But I do have some traits. Maybe? My problem is fear of not being accepted and understood, because people in my life will think I’m “too old to be diagnosed” or “exaggerating” or “just have depression”. I have a childhood friend who got diagnosed a few years ago. When she told her mom she had autism, her mom was insulted, angry, and dismissive. Her mom brought out the “is it my fault? Was I a bad mother? There’s no way my child has autism” cards. Knowing my own mother and how she reacts to anything I tell her about myself, she would do the same thing. She would tell me I’m over-exaggerating and making stuff up in my head. And having my mom be insulted by my autism is a deep fear, because when she says dismissive things, they tend to burn into my mind for eternity. Like when I was 21 and she told me “don’t think you’re gay just because your friends are gay.” GOD that was a bad one. That one line held me back from understanding my sexuality for well over a decade, and it still haunts the back of my mind. I can’t imagine what her dismissing me as neurodivergent would do. The fight and guilt tripping and dismissiveness it would cause would be outrageously terrible for my mental health. My mom is staunchly anti-psychiatry, so I guess I will never EVER tell her. Maybe her acceptance wouldn’t make me feel better anyway.

But other people’s acceptances— the people who truly matter— might be what I’m looking for. I don’t know what to make of anything I just wrote down. I said a lot of things about myself… and it would be nice to frame some of them more positively, and to work on certain things with a better knowledge of who I am.

[lilymaidofgallifrey]

I have read a lot more books than last year, partly because I was going through it with my mental health at the beginning of the year and couldn't watch TV, but I'm happy I seem to have gotten back into reading. My mental health is in a good place how but I'm still finding time to read which is great. I also gave myself permission to not give books ratings on Goodreads because assigning a star value to books was majorly stressing me out for some reason.

Anyway I hope I'll be more active on here with book content again. I would love some book recommendations from the best books you read this year, or just something fun or good you think I should read!

[hatigave]

A timeline of all the bad, not so good, very horrible, points of trauma in James Norrington his life;  ( as brought to you by someone who doesn't care for disney canon) personal blogs do not interact.

please note that almost none of these are ‘canon’ ( but ask me if I care )

•   Age 4               the death of his mother; he doesn’t remember much of her, only radiating warmth and the faint smell of lavender. Hands try to hold air  /  the memory of her slipping ever further, yet it is her name which burns upon his tongue when he feels alone even years after the loss of her. None of the nannies or other members of staff had the heart nor the skill to explain to the boy why his mother would not rise from her bed, perhaps they considered it a task for his father. Lawrence Norrington never did properly explain to James the meaning of death, he had to figure out on his own that she was not miraculously coming back to him ever again. 

•  Age 5              after being knocked off a ship and into the ocean, James was rescued by Teague. While a near-death experience for a boy of that age is shocking enough, it was made worse by the words of his father who stated that he would rather have seen his son drown than be rescued by pirates 1

•   Age 12                his first steps with the navy which weren’t on Lawrence Norrington’s side. While the reputation of the Admiral surely helped young James in gaining respect amongst some of the seniors on board, it was also the cause of envy within those just as skilled but with the misfortune of being someone else's son. His name gave him more power than a boy his age ever should carry  /  even when his back had been straightened by the hands of his father long before he ever set foot on a ship. The truth about life, however, is that a reputation cannot protect a twelve-year-old boy from the horrors of the world. Especially when a world is as small as a ship of the line. 

•   Age 13                 the first time a man dies in his arms. A reckless child with a tendency to hold the wounded; unfamiliar with receiving comfort, yet the giving of it came more naturally than anything else ever seemed to do. 

•   Age 15                 fragile still, blurry around his own edges, yet allowed to serve on a Third Rate ship of the line. War, a familiar taste upon his tongue now, reckless in battle and skilled with a sword. Death did not mean a thing to him  /  hollow eyes and a tendency to collapse into himself when there was no gunfire on the horizon. Tales of war might have been the thing he was raised with, yet nothing could have prepared him for the horrors of it so close. 

•   Age 18                receives a promotion to lieutenant. Either ‘bought’ by his father or by his own skill. It doesn’t matter; he is more than adequate to carry the burden that comes with command. Mature for his age, even in the hard times when boys become men far before their time. No one asks if he has ever had a childhood to begin with. He wouldn’t answer the question even if it did fall from another lieutenant’s lips during a game of cards. He would pray that the other lieutenant was unable to read the answer like a shimmer of sadness in his green eyes if he was to look up and the orange glow of candlelight would catch it just right. no. 

[theethlezprincez]

when i was in the mental hospital i 100% experienced catatonia.

i found out by the fact that i like doing research and the medical professionals never brought it up.

it 100% ruined my family around me and i feel so bad.

it’s so insane to me that they never brought that up and i’m sorry if i sound weird saying this but still

i’ve been struggling with daily psychotic symptoms and they NEVER FUCKING NEVER thought about sending me to the psychosis team and the first time they thought about it was in FUCKING JUNE.

i stopped taking my meds and their to dumb to even realize that💀and i’ve stumbled over my words so many times lol

they’re so fucking ignorant jesus christ

the only thing they see is the number on the scale lol bffr

[arorabbit]

nier automata is so crazy imagine having two characters with entire boss fights dedicated to their shit coping mechanisims