#mediocre white men are just mad they could be seen for how useless they really are

[itsanautiething]

[meandmypagancrew]

Maybe What You Think Of Me Won’t Change

Did you guys know that in addition to being a gifmaker and a dollmaker, I’m also a writer? I know! I am a woman of many talents most mediocre and useless. Anyway, I wrote this little fic about Clark and Farrah from We Are The Tigers, so if you’re into that kind of thing, give it a read under the cut!

It wasn’t super uncommon for Farrah to suddenly come to and not know where she was or how she got there. So when, in her drunken haze, she had a sudden moment of clarity and found herself outside by a dumpster, she groaned. In the dim light from a streetlight, she took stock as she pushed one of her braids over her shoulder. Clothes? Still on. Phone? Not dead. Purse? There. There wasn’t any vomit or blood or anything. All in all, not the worst night she had ever had.

As she got on shaky feet, she tried to remember what had happened. Marissa had picked her up, and they went to a house party at Rich’s. She had a few flashes of the party, a red solo cup in her hand, Liz doing a keg stand, Kayla and Jason trying to subtly sneak upstairs- but then nothing. Fuck. There was no one around, so how was she supposed to get home? She pulled out her phone again and clicked the home button, being greeted by a picture of Tom Holland as Spiderman- her favorite celebrity crush- and the time 3:42. It was a Thursday, but still summer, so thank God she didn’t have to worry about being up for school. 

She pushed that thought to the back of her mind. First she needed to get home. She unlocked her phone- her home screen was a picture of her and her mom when she was born, which caused her to squint, both because of the lighter color scheme being brighter and the memory of her mom- and clicked to her contacts. Family was strictly out of the question, Annleigh would kill her for waking her up, her stepmom hated her, and her dad wouldn’t be mad but he’d be so disappointed he would probably cry the entire way and making your dad cry is a soul crushing experience.

She sat back down as she scrolled through her contacts. Party friends. A guy who was her partner for a chem project last year. Former Captain Kimberly, future Captain Riley. A guy who was rumored to be a drug dealer, but was only her contact for buying alcohol. Her first try was Marissa- she got her into this, it seemed only natural she’d get her out, but it went straight to voice mail. She kept looking, her drunk mind trying to think. Her finger tapped on Bridget, a girl who had been a cheerleader at Giles Corey but transferred back to public school after her dad had been laid off. They weren’t close, but Bridget had shown her the ropes when she joined the team, and she was a night owl so she should still be awake.

Before the first ring even finished, her usual deadpan voice answered. 

“What.” She said, and Farrah struggled to not sound as drunk as she was as she responded.

“Bridged?” Despite her best efforts, her speech was a little slurred. “Canyou comeaaand git mee?”

“Farrah, it’s almost four AM.” Her voice still had no inflection. Even when sober, it was very difficult to discern where Bridget was standing, and if you were getting anywhere with her. Drunk? It was pretty much impossible.

“Yeeeeaaaaaaah… but Imm stuuuuuuck.” 

“No.” Was the response, unusually harsh for Bridget. 

“Whaa…?” She asked, though she was pretty sure she heard her correctly. It just didn’t seem right. Bridget wouldn’t just abandon her like this, right? As she had so astutely noted it was almost 4 AM- she was the only person who would be awake.

“No. I’m not your babysitter, Farrah. You got yourself into this mess, take some goddamn responsibility for your actions.”

“Buuu… butMarissa took meee dribking-“

“Did Marissa force the alcohol down your throat?” Bridget asked, a little too abruptly and Farrah didn’t respond. She knew she was right, and Bridget knew from her silence she had hit the nail on her head. “You made a choice. You deal with the consequences.”

The line went dead. Bridget’s words were true, but how the hell was Farrah supposed to get out of this? Buses weren’t running this time of night, she didn’t even know where she was, let alone how to get home- she needed help.

As she resumed scrolling through her contacts, a very depressing thought hit her. She didn’t have anyone to call. She was the girl you call for a party, not the girl you depend on when you need help. She didn’t have a single true friend she could depend on right now. There were no clutch friends. To put it quite frankly, she was completely fucked.

As she settled in against the dumpster to wait for daybreak, hoping the sun would bring with it some ideas, a memory she didn’t know she had came to the forefront of her mind. 

“I think she’s asleep.” A voice that must have been Annleigh’s said in her memory. 

She was lying down, but her eyes were closed. From the lights that occasionally shone through her eyelids, the soft rumbling, and the feeling of movement, she must have been in the backseat of the car.

“Okay.” Came another voice, male- Clark. “I’ll carry her in when we get there.”

“You don’t have to do that!” Annleigh immediately replied, and Farrah could picture the heart eyes she was almost undoubtedly making. “You’ve already done so much, helping me come get her.”

“Don’t mention it.” He replied. “I’m happy to help.”

“You must get tired of it.” Annleigh replied with a sigh. “I mean, she’s not even your family.”

“Well, first off, we are all sisters and brothers in the eyes of our Heavenly Father,” She could hear the smile in his voice, and a gentle sound of contact as if Annleigh had playfully hit his arm. When he spoke again, though, the smile was gone. “In all seriousness, though, your family is my family. I will always be there for Farrah, because I love her like a sister.”

The conversation turned to some boring bullshit about theology, so she had tuned it out. But her mind kept coming back to that promise. Did he mean it? Did he say it just because he thought it would win him brownie points? Either way, it was her last possible option, so she navigated to his contact and hit call.

After a few rings, his groggy voice answered.

“Hello?”

“Clark?” She asked, and she could almost feel him snap awake.

“Farrah? What’s happening? Is Annleigh okay? Are you okay?”

“Iiii’m fiiiiine. I need a riiide.”

Clark exhaled, and she felt a little bad for waking him up. He was probably going to do thing Bridget had. This was a speculator waste of time for everyone.

“I’m…. I don’t knoooow…”

“Do you see any landmarks?” He asked, his voice patient even though she could hear him moving about, probably grabbing his keys and heading out.

“Let me… check…” She stumbled a little bit, struggling to hold the phone and climb to her feet. “Oof, okay…”

“Farrah, what’s going on?” He asked, and she waved it off before realizing he couldn’t see her as she meandered out of the alley to the street.

“Iiiit’s fiiine. You worry too much!” 

She put a hand on the wall to steady her as she took stock of her surroundings. Sure enough, she was at a bar, but she didn’t recognize the name and found it highly unlikely Clark would either. Most of the storefronts were dark, and even the ones that weren’t, she felt like the words were spinning in front of her. 

“What do you see?” He asked, and she scrunched up her face.

“Uhhh…” She stalled but then she saw it. She thought it was maybe the most beautiful building she had ever seen in her life, down at the end of the street. “There’s a castle…”

“A… castle?” He asked, confused.

“It’s all white. It’s so pretty. It has flowers.”

“An all white building?” He tried to clarify. “The hospital?”

“No… there’s a man on the building…” She had to squint, but sure enough.

“A man on a castle that’s white with flowers?” The skepticism in his voice was so evident that even in her state she could pick up on it and it annoyed her.

“He’s golden!” She insisted, just wanting him to believe her, that she wasn’t hallucinating.

“A golden man on- the Mormon temple?” He asked, which Farrah couldn’t say for sure, but it seemed like the best bet. “Farrah, are you at the Mormon temple?”

“Nooo… I’m in front of a bar down the street…”

“Okay. Okay. Hold on.” Clark said as Farrah leaned against the wall, already feeling a hangover starting to set in. “I’ll be there in five minutes. Can you hang on for five minutes?”

“Yeah…” She replied, closing her eyes against the light filtering through the bar’s windows.

“Okay. I’ll see you soon.”

Once he hung up, she pocketed her phone after making sure it was on vibration in case something happened. She had considered doing something on her phone while she waited, but even on the lowest setting, it seemed so bright it might burn her. Out of sheer boredom, she started to undo her braids. After all, even if she slept in them, she’d have to redo them tomorrow, because they’d be messy. 

Just as she was relocating her second hair tie to her wrist, and shaking out the braid, the door to the bar opened, and a man walked out. Farrah didn’t notice him at first, busy combing her hair out, but he sure noticed her.

“Oh, hey, pretty girl.” He said and she looked up into eyes that looked at her like she was less of a person and more of a meal. Ugh. She had met so many predatory men like this, and she really wasn’t up to it right now. “What are you doing out here all alone?”

“My ride is coming.” She said, both as an answer to the question and a way of informing him that there was someone who knew where she was supposed to be, so he better not try anything.

“I can take you wherever you need to go, baby.” He was almost purring, which was about as unsettling as being called baby by a stranger twice her age. “Especially if where you need to go is back to my place.”

That statement was punctuated with a wink, and she felt like she needed a shower.

“No, thank you.” She replied, trying to walk the line between being polite enough that he didn’t think she was a cunt and murdered her, but not so polite that he thought she was into him and when she rejected him, didn’t think she was a cunt and murdered her. 

“Aw, come on, I can make you feel reeeeal good.”

He started to advance towards her and Farrah took a step back before she realized that would just back her into an alleyway, which was a dead end. She had no option but to stand her ground.

“I said no!” She almost yelled, and he grabbed her arm.

“Come on, baby, don’t be like that.” She tried to struggle against his grip, but he tightened his grip, which only scared her more. He was so much more powerful than she was.

“Get off of me!” Now she was yelling, a hint of desperation in her voice and he grabbed her other arm as well, which she continued to try to resist, but he was too strong.

“I said don’t be-“

“Get away from her!” She heard a car door slamming and while she couldn’t see who it was, she recognized his voice. The dude’s attention was fractured by the interruption, and his grip loosened as he looked over his shoulder. Farrah took advantage of that to pry herself from his grasp, running straight at Clark, throwing her arms around him and clutching the back of his shirt as tightly as she could, squeezing her eyes shut as she buried her face in his chest. He immediately wrapped one arm around her, holding her close.

“What are you, her boyfriend?” He sneered, and the fear in Farrah’s heart didn’t subside much. What even could Clark do? This guy, he looked like he could be a stunt double for Thor. And Clark? Clark could be the stunt double for Captain America- pre-serum.

“I’m her BROTHER!” He said, his voice taking on a hint of fierceness that Farrah had never heard before, and somehow she knew that he was going to protect her, whatever it took. “And she clearly said no, not to mention the fact that she’s 15! Take one more step towards us and I’m calling the cops on you, you pervert!”

There was a very tense moment, a pregnant pause where Farrah could feel Clark’s heart pounding against her forehead. He talked a big game, but he was terrified. If he called their bluff? The two of them together couldn’t even come close to taking him on, especially in her state. But he must have moved away, because she felt Clark exhale.

“Whatever. She’s a fat bitch anyway.” His voice was moving away, but Clark continued to hold on for several moments. He put his other arm around her before pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

“Oh, Farrah…” 

She pulled away and looked up at him, furrowing her eyebrows at the soft murmur, confused about what he meant. Before she could ask, he pulled away even more to open the door of the car for her.

“Let’s get you home.”

She obediently climbed in, again running a hand through her hair as she checked in the mirror her reflection. Her makeup was a mess and she had definitely seen better days, but the wave in her hair was gorgeous. As Clark got into the car next to her and immediately locked the door, she expected him to say something, but he stayed silent. Even as he started the car and some sort of Christian rock- Switchfoot, maybe?- started filtering through his car speakers, a little distorted because the bass was ruined. If Farrah recalled correctly, that was because when Greatest Showman came out, Annleigh adored it so much that not only did she make Clark take her to go see it in the theatres at least six different times, it was the only thing she would listen to and she would play it whenever he drove her anywhere and was not afraid to blast it.

She expected a lecture, some kind of explosion, but instead he just stared straight ahead, clutching the wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. His silence was agonizing, and when she finally recognized their surroundings as he turned into their neighborhood, she braved speaking.

“Are you mad?”

“No.” He answered quickly. It wasn’t snapping at her, just a decisive statement.

“Are you sad?”

“No.” It was said the same way and she exhaled in frustration, feeling like she had to get to the bottom of this before he dropped her off, which would be soon despite the meandering streets of the neighborhood that made little sense- Clark was an expert and could navigate it like nobody’s business.

“Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“Are you annoyed?”

“No.”

“Are you disgusted?”

“Farrah, I’m worried.” He said as he pulled in front of the Victorian manor replica that she called her home. 

She was surprised that he cared so much, and surprised at herself that she also felt defensive. As he unbuckled his seatbelt to turn and look at her, she crossed her arms.

“You’re only saying that because of Annleigh. You don’t care about me. Or at least you only care about me as Annleigh’s sister.”

“Farrah, look around.” He said, and she furrowed her eyebrows, turning to him. Look at what? The dark buses that lined the pathway up to the front door? The neighbors across the street who’s porch light was green instead of normal? The empty McDonalds bag at her feet? The little pop figures from whatever weeb shit he was into on the dashboard?

“Do you see Annleigh anywhere?” Her brows still furrowed, she shook her head. Of course Annleigh wasn’t here, she would be inside asleep, like the good little girl she was. “This isn’t an act for her. I’m not even planning on telling her this happened. I’m worried about you because I care about you. Not the Farrah who’s Annleigh’s sister, but the Farrah who’s an amazing flier, the Farrah who knows all the words to Princess Bride and watches it every year on her birthday, the Farrah who hasn’t taken ballet in four years but still sometimes twirls when she thinks no one is looking. I care about the Farrah who goes horseback riding and even if she’s in a skirt refuses to ride side-saddle. I care about the Farrah who hides books in her backpack because she loves to read but would hate for anyone to find out. I care about the Farrah who sits on her phone and pretends not to pay attention to whatever’s on TV but when her dad falls asleep during the middle of an episode and then when he wakes up and asks what he missed, always knows exactly what’s going on. I care about the Farrah who found an abandoned kitten in a rainstorm and took him home and took care of him until she could be rehomed despite the fact that she’s very allergic. I care about the Farrah that named that cat Aaron Purr. I care about that Farrah a whole lot more than I care about Annleigh’s sister.”

She didn’t have a response to that. Clark had only been actively in her life for about a year, since her dad got married, but in that time he had been paying attention. She had gone through the mortifying ordeal of being known by him and she didn’t even realize. But at the same time, even though those things were all true, they all seemed so far away. When was the last time she had danced? Finished a book? Gone horse riding at all? The person he described sounded like such a nice person, she wanted her back. When she realized that, she started to cry.

“Oh- oh, no, no, Farrah, please don’t cry-“ Clark started to panic, placing a hand on her back as she dropped her head into her hands as he continued to move around as if looking for something. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing, I just think you’re an amazing young woman and if you keep getting into bad situations like you did tonight, I don’t know what’s going to happen-“

“Help me.” She managed to get out through her sobs, and he suddenly stilled.

“What?”

“Help me. Please.” Once she started, it seemed like she couldn’t stop, even though the plea had to be filtered through sobs and snot. “I know I’m in trouble, but I don’t know how to stop- I can’t stop. I know everyone hates me, even my friends, and I know that it’s gone too far, but I’m scared, Clark, I’m so scared-“

“Hey, hey, shhh…” His voice brought her to an immediate halt, bringing her back to earth. She looked up at him, and even with her smeared mascara, snotty nose, tear stained cheeks, and red, puffy eyes, he didn’t turn away. He didn’t recoil in disgust. He offered her some napkins from a fast food chain he must have found somewhere with an encouraging smile. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll talk to your parents with you about it. If you have to go to rehab, I’ll visit you there and write. A bunch of my friends have sisters about your age, I’ll introduce you to them and maybe you’ll really hit it off and find some better friends. It won’t be easy, but I promise you don’t have to do it alone. Just say when.”

She accepted his offering and transferred her makeup from her face to the little caricature of the Grecian from the Little Ceasers logo, thinking hard about it. Right now was not an option, even with the sun beginning to appear on the horizon, she didn’t want to wake anyone up. But she also knew if she waited too long, she would lose her nerve. She was already starting to waver as she pulled herself back together. Surely things weren’t that bad, right? She could handle it on her own. But Clark was still looking at her for an answer.

“The day after tomorrow.” She finally said, and he seemed a little confused about the random time, so she explained. “The cheer sleepover is tomorrow night. You’re picking Annleigh and I up in the morning. When you drop us off, my parents should be home.”

Understanding the timeline, he nodded. It would give him enough time to research how to be a support system for her, and it would give her enough time to figure out how to backtrack, and tell Clark she didn’t really mean it and she was actually fine. That decided, she sling her purse over her shoulder and opened the car door to get out.

“Farrah?” He asked as she put her foot on the sidewalk, and she turned a little to look at him.

“Hmm?”

The light in the interior turned on when she opened the door, so she could see him clearly for the first time all night. He looked tired, but still as charismatically cheerful as ever, the human equivalent of a golden retriever. 

“Chin up, buttercup.”

He gave her shoulder a playful punch and she couldn’t help but smile back before fully getting out of the car. As she walked up to her door, she thought that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad after all. Maybe he could help her find the girl he saw again, and she could be better. As she opened the door she looked back. He was still waiting and gave a small wave. She waved back before taking a deep breath and stepping inside, hearing his car start up again and drive off as the door closed behind her.

[tearlessrain]

all right time for Scorpion King: Book of Souls Liveblog Part 2

we last left bootleg xena and zach mcgowan’s abs in ancient egyptian jello narnia with a mostly naked lady who is also a book and her wildly unnecessary comic relief rock golem friend and there might even have been hints of a plot. I have a feeling it’s only downhill from here.

we’re back to the people who gallop around menacingly on horses and their completely normal bird that keeps getting screentime for some reason. their specific objectives remain unclear, as they have been for the entire movie.

oh hey they found the mad max tribe, maybe there actually was a point to the interlude earlier

shut up mediocre henchman 5 I still hate you

hm, nope, still no point to this. they just rode away again. menacingly.

please someone make the cockney rock golem stop talking

she has been trying to seduce matthias since she first came on screen and despite the fact that they’ve known each other for five minutes I have a sinking feeling that it’s going to work before this movie is over

ookay the rock golem is afraid of fire, that makes sense.

WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS BIRD IT’S A NORMAL GODDAMN BIRD IT HASN’T DONE ANYTHING

oh thank god they’re leaving the rock golem behind in jello narnia

living the dream, book lady

yep here we go with the romantic subplot nobody asked for between two people who met like three hours ago at most

is he the only man she’s ever seen because like. talk about setting the bar high

here come the menacing riders, riding menacingly

NOBODY LIKES YOU, MEDIOCRE HENCHMAN 5

oh yes I think xena’s finally gonna kill this fucker

and now we can just watch zach mcgowan kill people which is really what 90% of the movie’s content should have been in the first place

HE KILLED MEDIOCRE HENCHMAN 5 WE ARE FREE.

oh fuck the rock golem is back and they’re bringing him to a market

this movie’s plot is so vague as to be on the verge of doing a full 180 into “dadaist masterpiece”

now I’m not saying I expected better from the direct to DVD fifth sequel of a spinoff of a reboot of The Mummy but it needs to be said just once: why is the scorpion king a white guy

okay there we go back to killing people don’t worry about things like plot and why they all have vaguely british accents

ah he has learned from the last time he beat up a bunch of ninjas, no getting shot this time

[Black Sails theme playing on a single kazoo in the distance]

at least the boat’s too small for them to get any time alone together and progress the unneeded romance

oh hey it’s glowy eye dude who we haven’t seen since the prologue despite his being the main antagonist. I like that dude. mostly for his rad aesthetic.

ooooh glowy eye dude killed bootleg xena’s brother who we’ve literally never seen or heard of before book lady explained it

and apparently she’s the last remaining heir so we’ve got the queen of nubia, the king of... scorpions, I guess, a human book, and a golem all on a boat. I feel like I’ve literally been in this D&D party.

there’s that bird again seriously why, there had better be payoff for this. maybe the bird is secretly anubis or something. which would be weird, since anubis is the one with the jackal head, but I can’t think of another reason to keep drawing this much attention to it.

there had also better be a damn good payoff to the golem being afraid of fire because it’s getting really annoying

OH MY GOD A GIANT ROCK

they very clearly didn’t give zach mcgowan any direction regarding what accent he’s supposed to have because he’s just trying them all out

imagine if he’d just smashed the head clean off that stone sphynx and it turned out there was nothing in there

book lady has taken over for prologue narrator I guess

what is with this anubis, this is like a deviantart anubis. this is just “abs for days: the movie”

okay evil xena, “men are simple” isn’t really a fair thing to say considering you shot him with a poison dart. falling over after someone shoots you with a poison dart isn’t really a gendered thing. and like she didn’t try to seduce him first or anything she just walked in, shot him, and said that as if it was somehow relevant.

oh it’s the mad max tribe yet again. maybe THIS time they’ll have a purpose.

nope they’re just here to comment as the plot coincidentally passes them on the way to somewhere else. okay.

okay so maybe the blacksmithing and hunting and badass fighting and full on nudity haven’t been enough to distract you from how bad the writing is. don’t worry fam we’ve got you.

it’s like they’ve got a checklist or something

at least the ugly and useless leather armor thing is gone though

okay know what as an aside, shoutout to this random ass bird that gets almost as much screentime as the actual protagonist yet has done nothing except completely normal bird things for the entire movie

“before I kill him let’s see how he fights” well you just signed your own death sentence. see even your wife who can see the fourth wall knows this is a mistake.

glow eye dude is entirely too good of an actor for the lines he was given, this is like watching jeremy irons in eragon

wow I mean you could just kill book lady, setting her on fire seems excessive.

uh I was joking before but he appparently actually is the literal king of scorpions. and getting stung by them is I guess what activates his powers. being the scorpion king SUCKS.

wow it didn’t half work though, he just samsoned right out of those chains. good thing it wasn’t a bamboo and string cage, or he would have been trapped for good.

hell yeah finally a showdown between glow eye dude and zach mcgowan. this is why I’m here.

wait, the mad max tribe is back. maybe THIS time they’ll do something relevant!

yeah there they go. finally. killed psychic wife

random bird approves.

and now it’s just everybody fighting everybody so in other words the movie is looking up

evil xena vs good xena FIGHT

I can’t believe the fucking golem was the one who finally destroyed the sword.

so now the mcguffan is just freaking gone and matthias and evil guy are just punching the shit out of each other for the hell of it and I’m not even mad

I mean I guess one of them still has to be defeated but still

he just fuckin Simba’d that guy right into the fire

like can we please take a moment to appreciate that this is the exact fight choreography and aesthetic from the lion king

to the point that there was a literal lion roar sound as the guy died??? I’m not even kidding what the hell

“and we helped!” - the mad max tribe

oh the sword wasn’t destroyed. but at least the rock golem is gone so that’s something.

“remember who you aaaaaare” - the mad max tribe

ooooh he must choose between destroying the evil sword and the life of book lady, his true love who he met yesterday

I mean don’t get me wrong I’m sad to see her go she was one of the least annoying characters, but still you could have cut out the mad max tribe and developed her more so this would have more impact

aaaand THERE’s the obligatory tragic kiss

honestly though know what I can’t begrudge her this, it’s not like I wouldn’t do the same thing if I were a human book living alone in a tomb and some absurdly attractive dude just showed up one day and was like “climb on my horse so we can gallop sexily across a beach.” that’s completely reasonable.

matthias... I don’t feel so good...

(I’m sorry I had to)

that looks like it should be the cover of a drug store romance novel. maybe after the cowboy fad dies the next one will be “white guys who are kings of ancient egypt for absolutely no discernable reason”

NARRATOR! I missed you my dude.

he never forgot his destiny again. still no mention of exactly what his destiny is or even what exactly he’s king of aside from about two dozen literal scorpions

but seriously “getting stung by scorpions” is the absolute worst superpower ever. no wonder he abandoned his destiny to be a blacksmith, I would too.

there he goes

well that was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be but somehow even more so. gratuitous fanservice and absolutely no substance or meaningful plot, 10/10 would not watch again but had a great time watching it once. roughly on par with Eragon but this time ancient egypt flavored.

that bird never ended up doing anything, by the way. 10/10 completely useless but extremely photogenic bird.

[mst3kproject]

407: The Killer Shrews

Whatever else one might say about The Killer Shrews, it is a huge step up from The Giant Gila Monster in at least one respect – it is actually about the titular monsters, and those monsters actually interact with the human characters! So far, so good.  Then we get to the monsters themselves, and... oh, dear.  This movie wouldn't quite be better without the shrews in the way that last week's feature would without the lizard, but they're still a very significant problem for what would otherwise be a serviceable film.

A small boat arrives at a remote island off the coast of wherever this is (the opening narration suggests the Pacific Northwest). Captain Sherman and his redshirt buddy are there to deliver supplies to a scientific outpost, but plan to stay overnight in order to ride out an approaching hurricane (meaning it can't possibly be the Pacific Northwest).  This is treated as bad news by Mad Scientist Dr. Marlowe Cragis and his assistant and daughter Anne.  After some beating around the bush as night closes in, Cragis confesses that he has created a species of giant, nocturnal, venomous, man-eating rodent.  With supplies running low, the group must make a break for the boat in the morning – if only they can first survive the night!

At its barest and boniest this is the plot of Alien, The Thing, Friday the Thirteenth, The Green Slime, and god knows how many other movies: a small group of people are stranded in the middle of nowhere with something that wants to kill them.  They're picked off one by one, usually ethnic stereotypes first, until the last desperate survivors must destroy their foe and get to the choppah for rescue. Although there are some very good movies with this premise, there are also some thoroughly terrible ones.  The Killer Shrews is pretty mediocre, but does its best with the material and sometimes comes surprisingly close to success.

In the average 'trapped with a monster' movie, the characters are either completely dull or utterly detestable – the latter option usually makes for a more entertaining film, since we can at least take some vindictive joy in watching these assholes get killed.  The Killer Shrews has its share of nobodies: Griswold the first mate and Mario the janitor are the aforementioned ethnic stereotypes, who are in the movie so it can put off the deaths of the white people.  Uber-nerd Bradford feels like he ought to be a joke but never gets a punchline. He dies pretty quickly, too.

The rest of the dramatis personae, however, have a little more meat on their metaphorical bones: Dr. Cragis is fascinated by the shrews' single-minded and ruthless survival instincts, admiring their effectiveness even as they threaten his life.  Anne is as consumed by guilt over her own role in creating the monsters as she is by her fear of them.  Her crush on Sherman and semi-frantic attempts to endear herself to him seem to have more to do with the fact that he represents a chance of escape than with any real attraction.  Jerry's determination to finish the experiments, in spite of his cowardice, stems from a desperate need to atone for his past mistakes.  Captain Sherman is supposed to be our hero, but there's a point when the others nearly have to physically intervene to stop him from throwing Jerry to the shrews.  Everybody in this film has been pushed to the edge of sanity.

So what keeps it from being effective?  There's a few things.  One is the acting – Ingrid Goude as Anne and Baruch Lumet as Dr. Craigis are pretty good, but the other major players tend to be too low-key to really be convincing.  The one exception is Ken Curtis as Jerry, who overplays everything just that crucial tiny bit. Whether drunk, paranoid, or hysterical, he tends to end up sounding like he's in a high school play.

As with The Giant Gila Monster, we begin with a voiceover that provides us with a completely different origin for the monsters than the actual story will do.  Here the narrator tells us that this is a new species, which first appeared in Alaska before moving south into Canada.  The subsequent movie, however, informs us that the shrews were the product of mad science (and for once there’s an actual justification for the experiments besides ‘let’s see if we can create a monster’. Cragis was studying the relationship between size and metabolism).  Seeing as one of the characters claims to have created the shrews himself, I'm going to go with his version rather than Mr. Voiceover's, but it does make me think the opening narrations wern't originally part of either movie.

There's too much exposition.  The script spends a very long time emphasizing the voraciousness of the shrews through dialogue, and while this does also establish a certain amount of character, it would have been far more effective to show us the small shrews ravenous' appetites.  Our imaginations could then have done the job of scaling it up – the idea of being gnawed to death by rats is truly horrifying, and being gnawed by giant rats would hardly be less so.  Having typed that, however, I realized that doing this in 1959 for this particular movie would probably have involved forcing a couple of cute mice to fight to the death, as many times as necessary to get the shot right.  So on second thought, never mind.

The music is unsubtle but it works all right.  Same with the direction, which is actually another marked step up from The Giant Gila Monster.  For the most part Kellogg still just points the camera at what's happening and films, but at least people move around within some of the shots and display body language rather than just putting a leg up on the nearest ledge.

We get no real impression of the hurricane itself besides hearing the howling wind – I don't think there's a single shot in which we are in any way aware of rain.  Just the sound of it hammering on the roof would have done wonders for the feeling of claustrophobia the movie is trying to create.

I think you know what I'm working up to here, though.  While there's a lot of minor adjustments that could have been made to help The Killer Shrews, the main problem is the actual shrews.  They're among the least-convincing monsters in film history.  Trailer Club 70 included them in its bottom five, along with the jellyfish man from Sting of Death and the turkey-headed vampire from Blood Freak.

How do you depict a giant rodent in a movie?  Well, if you're Rob Reiner, you throw a big latex puppet at Carey Elwes.  If you're Bert I. Gordon, you film actual rats in extreme close-up and pretend they match your amusingly adorable fake rat heads.  If you're Bruno Mattei, you put rat masks on your actors and leave the audience wondering what the fuck they're watching (god, I've seen way too many movies). And if you're Ray Kellogg, you shave a bunch of dogs and hope we won't notice.

Well, okay, that's not fair: not every shrew in the movie is a shaved dog.  Some of them are dogs with ratty-looking fake fur draped over them.  Others are puppet heads with long 'fangs' that look like a third-grader's attempt at a saber-toothed tiger prop for a home-made caveman movie.  All of them are tragically cheap and completely unconvincing.  The heads are immobile, so in the shots where a shrew is supposed to be biting somebody, all we see is the puppet's nose being rubbed against a pre-bloodied trouser leg. In another scene a 'shrew' enters the room, and is not only obviously a dog, it's a dog that's happy to see you!  I have never seen a shot so entirely ruined by ordinary canine body language (though bits of Teenage Caveman come damn close).

Considering the sorts of things I tend to talk about on this blog, you're probably wondering why I haven't said anything yet about Anne's decision to give up science and become a housewife. Truth is, that's just not high on the list of things that suck remarkably about The Killer Shrews.  I mean, yeah, it's definitely sexist, but it's handled so much better here than the comparable development in Rocketship XM that I have kind of a hard time being angry about it.  Dr. Van Hoorne supposedly came to realize that the men were right and she was wrong, despite all narrative evidence to the contrary.  Anne Cragis' retirement is her choice, not imposed upon her by the male characters, and emerges organically from her own story.

The men in Rocketship XM asked Dr. Van Hoorne why cooking and cleaning and changing diapers isn't enough for her.  In The Killer Shrews, Sherman asks Anne whether she's a scientist in the obvious expectation of a 'yes', and listens sympathetically while she talks about it.  When she states her choice to retire and lead a 'normal' life, he is supportive of this without placing a value judgment on it.  The fact that Anne is the only woman in the film makes it very difficult not to see her as the writer's stand-in for all women everywhere, but there is at least no explicit statement that science is no place for women.  It's a low bar, but hey.

Remember Terror from the Year 5000, in which a woman promptly abandoned her fiance when the hero appeared on the scene? This happens in The Killer Shrews as well, but again, it's less annoying here.  Unlike Claire and Bob, Anne and Sherman actually get to know each other a little over the course of the story.  Her engagement with Jerry is already ended, for completely understandable reasons, and Sherman represents both her potential escape from the island and a person who listens to her respectfully rather than trying to impose his own will.  It's still a useless romantic subplot that exists to add artificial drama, but we have reasons why these characters behave as they do and it feels more like part of the same story rather than a distraction from it.

All things considered, I'm left with the impression that if writer Jay Simms and director Ray Kellogg had wanted to make movies that did not have giant mutant animals in them and had been given a bit of money to do so, they probably could have done a pretty good job.  The two movies they did make are a long way from masterpieces, but there are some surprisingly good things in them for those who care to stop riffing and look.