#meanwhile my brother eats 2 meals as fucking 1

[jamescarstairs]

new year same rant: i don't think i will ever be able to forgive my parents & the rest of my family for how they treated me when i was unemployed compared to how they now treat my brother

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - A Blah Week

May June 2023 Wk 1

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

La Pluie (Sat iQIYI) ep 6 of 10 - It’s so damn cute. Seme is still sus... but cute. I didn’t even mind the pratfall since they clearly both wanted to take advantage of it. These two are great kissers - like MaxTul level. I am PLEASED. Meanwhile, sides have a drunken MOMENT. 

Be My Favorite (Fri YouTube) ep 2 of 10? - I’m enjoying it which is fucking with my head, trash watch here! 

Luminous Solution (Sat Gaga) ep 2 of 6 - Dome has aged so pretty! Do we think the café owner doesn’t want him because he is happy in love? I’m enjoying the high school story arc a lot, and I wish we were just watching that and none of the others (Dome or no Dome). I finally figured it out the actor playing Mai is from Manner of Death.

The Promise (Weds YT & WeTV) ep 10fin - Soap opera brother relationship suddenly? Also more not communicating and more separation? Just bullshit. The best part of the ep was the interstitial cat. It feels like this show dragged on forever I am so glad it’s over and I intend never to think about it again. Full review below (although I pretty much just said it all.) 

Step By Step (Tues WeTV & Gaga) ep 7 of 10 - no ep this week, no idea why. It better not be because of the ZeeNew freakszoids or I am banhammering with a will. Our Skyy 2 (Bad Buddy & 1k*) eps 13-14 - skipped it this week as it concludes next week so I’ll binge all 4 at once.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - It’s just so good. I say it every week but it IS. Oh the running of the gays trope! Japan1 For us? How thoughtful. Awe, Yutaka’s confession in tiny was the best. SMILEY KISS! It took 3 BLs but Inukai Atsuhiro has finally actually kissed a boy. 

Star Struck (Korea iQIYI & Gaga) ep 5-6 of 8 - Oof this is such a hard show. Too much angst. It is a complicated story worth further analysis, but it’s too much for me and I don’t wanna dwell in it. Also, sweetie, you don’t get to cockblock the boy you rejected then invite him to sleep over, I don’t care how confused you are. Good for Hanjoon for standing up for himself, but holy shizz is this hard to watch. 

Vian the series (Vietnam YouTube ) - Cats are not caretakers. The neighbor is a cutie. Fun convo for a VBL - top/bottom & everything. Faen fatale showed up + a pratfall kiss and frankly I’m finding this show a bit dull now that the charm of the initial premise has worn off.

Naked Dinner AKA Zenra Meshi (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 8 of 12 - I never know what to say about this one. This was the dark separation doom episode. I was pretty blah over it. I’m just not engaged with this show. 

It’s Airing But ...

House of Stars (Thai Mon iQIYI) 12 eps - I bounced at ep 3. Will binge if told it is worth it at end.

Stay (Pinoy ????) 7 eps - It’s mostly in English and set in LA so I’m not bothering to hunt.

Let’s Eat Together AKA Aki wa Haru to Gohan wo Tabetai (Japan movie) cinema release means no inter distribution. Looks cozy: daily lives of college students and roommates who enjoy meals together, and a v codependent, adaptation of yaoi Let’s Eat Together Aki and Haru. I’ll keep an eye open for it but assume we can’t get it for now.

Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari no Hajimari no Asa (Japan Sun ????) ep 1 of 10 - NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS and no, I have no idea where to get it, why would I? (Say it with me everyone: Oh Japan, must you?*) 

Ended this week 

The Day I Loved You (Pinoy YouTube) ended. I have been reliably informed it’s better left a DNF.

My Story (Pinoy YouTube) ended. I bounced at ep 4. Someone tell me if I should bother with the rest?

Pure Vanilla (Singapore) - 10 min short on Gaga featuring a cafe, boss/employee, friends to lovers. It’s very sweet. Bit awkward acting. I love seeing real tats on my screen. I wish Singapore would give us a full proper BL. 7/10 RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS 

The Promise (Thai YouTube) - Although well acted this show dragged a too simple premise out into the ultimate manipulative miscommunication repeats of idiotic "why don’t you just TALK!?” Phu & Nan are childhood bffs through college (almost lovers) until Phu disappears. After looking/waiting for him, Nan gives up and self isolates, and the actual story takes place 10 years later. Phu’s “reason” and inability to say it out loud makes the whole show just frustrating, squandering good chemistry, and a stellar cast of multiple faen fatals (whose personalities would’ve made them better boyfriends). Seriously do not bother. What a damn waste of talent, time, and electronic bandwidth. Fatally flawed. 4/10 NOT RECOMMENDED 

Okay it ended a while ago but I finished it:

Make A Wish (Thai grey) - 6 part PNR (from Sammon - Manner of Death & Triage) about a doctor who can see the dead and strikes a bargain with a wish-granting irreverent tree angel - naturally they fall in love. Stars Fluke Natouch opposite not Ohm, but who cares bc Fluke has chemistry with everybody. Once again the Thai afterlife is incredibly bureaucratic but I enjoyed the premise and the unfolding of the story (it’s not predictable but still satisfying and with nice little twist). I like that the doctor is just gay af and has a fag hag bestie and everything. The cast is excellent but the comedic stylings are too overblown and tonally off. It had sad parts and did make me cry but is ultimately happy with a great sex scene, good smiley kisses, and all the agency. 8/10 RECOMMENDED 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Starting:

6/7 Love Tractor (Korea iQIYI) 8 eps - announced in 2022 from WATCHA (Semantic Error) I've been WAITING for this one. About a stressed-out law student who family obligations force into the countryside where a series of strange encounters and misunderstandings with his hunky young farmer neighbour. Will this be an extended version of Strongberry’s Some More? Or Korea’s take on Restart After Come Back Home? I'm chuffed. Country boy meets city boy is a very underused romance trope in BL.

6/9 Boys Love Omegaverse AKA The Boys Love sequel no one asked for (Japan movie) - everyone jockeyed to release the first ABO but it looks like Japan will take it. They do like to do all things BL FIRST. This seems to just be borrowing the branding of Boys Love, showing little resemblance to either original, since it's about 4 men in an idol group. (But could go very dark with that title. Boys Love is technically the first and one of the darkest BLs ever made.) Movie+Japan = no inter distribution.

Still Coming June 2023 

6/15 Tokyo in April AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa (Japan Gaga) 8 eps - Based on a yaoi, this is a reunion romance that takes place in an office. Japan does Our Dating Sim? Yes please.

6/22 About Us but Not About Us (Pinoy movie from 2022 on Prime) - A professor grieving the loss of his partner meets an ambitious literature student.

6/24 Why You (Khmer BL ????) - Billed as a horror romance, not sure if this is a movie or a series where it will air... nothing except that it exists.

6/24 Tie The Knot AKA Under the Same Sky (Pinoy movie on Prime) Trailer - I guess Prime is coming for our Pinoy BL? From OXIN Films (Rainbow Prince), announced for 2022 based on a true story, Briggs's family runs a bridal business but he has never had a chance to fall in love until he meets Shao, a groom to be.

6/25 Dinosaur Love (Thai iQIYI) Trailer 5 eps - from Ultimate Troop about a uni student, Rak, whose partner cheats on him with Rak's best friend. This gives bad boy hazer Dino an opportunity to hit on Rak at last. From The Yearbook people so I will not watch this as it airs. After Remember Me? Never again with them.

2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

From Make a Wish. 

Found my side dish. (Be My Favorite)

We asked this question literally the ENTIRE show. (The Promise) 

My point exactly! 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? BTOB on Killing Voice - honestly I’m ded, end this show, no one else can ever be this good. 

[motleyfam]

Thanks to everyone who voted!! I had a lot of fun reading everyone's opinions, so now I'll share my own two cents!

Personally, I think Dick doesn't get carsick (acrobat, childhood member of a traveling circus, etc) but Damian does, and Dick will 100% fake being carsick himself if he suspects Damian needs a break. This is partly self-preservation (a nauseated Damian is a particularly irritable/stabby Damian) and partly just recognizing that there's no way in hell his youngest brother is going to speak up for himself. Damian will sooner puke down the inside of his own sweatshirt than admit to the weakness of requiring a pitstop, so really, it's for everyone's benefit that Dick does a little moaning.

On a similar vein, Duke also gets carsick, but he's the type to keep quiet about it and try to will it away until they hit DEFCON 1. By then he's lurching over two other siblings to hang his head out the open window. It's super gross and absolutely no one is having a good time. He's permanently banned from the backseat, which is fine by him.

Jason is usually fine, so long as he doesn't read in the car. Naturally, this is a torture in its own right, since that means his go-to distraction from his siblings' asinine bickering is now off the table. Sometimes he just says "fuck it" and trades a bit of queasiness for his paperback. He often regrets this choice later, but hey, so does Dick whenever he eats cheese and that's never stopped him.

Going against the grain here, but I actually don't think Tim gets carsick. I think he gets everything else sick, and sometimes that happens to coincide with him being in a car, but it's correlation not causation. The actual motion does nothing for him. He is, however, the one to pound three energy drinks and half a bag of Funyuns as his first meal of the day at 5 p.m. (after a whopping 2 hours of sleep) and actions have consequences. He's also definitely the type to purchase gas station sushi. Still, he'll adamantly assert that he's never been motion sick a day in his life.

Cass... I don't really see her getting carsick, but if she did, I picture it happening upon exiting the vehicle. Like, she spends the entire ride looking and acting completely normal, but as soon as the car is parked and everyone's filed out, she walks calmly over to the nearest bush and lets loose. Everyone else is shocked, but Cass is totally unfazed. She wipes her face on her sleeve and then proceeds to eat her usual quantities for lunch 10 minutes later like nothing happened.

...And then there's Steph. Steph used to get carsick as a little kid, and is so traumatized by a particular incident on a public bus when she was 7 that she can make herself mildly nauseated just by thinking about traveling. These days though, she's more the type to threaten she's going to puke, but never actually deliver. She'll do the whole "Bruuuce" moan and gag and slap her hand over her mouth, and Bruce will pull the car over in a panic, but then she just ends up standing in a drainage ditch with her hands on her knees for 10 minutes while everyone else waits in the car like 😐😐😐😐😐😐😐 until she eventually straightens up with a sheepish grin and a "never mind, I'm good". Repeat this every hour or two until arrival.

(Bruce, meanwhile, is the cause of everyone's motion sickness. He takes the I-80 like he's in NASCAR.)

Feel free to elaborate on your choice in the tags

[deadsquidstudios]

EVEN MORE ATHF HEADCANONS + SLUDGE LORE

(CW: Mentions of cannibalism.)

(Mostly baby-related hcs this time because cuteness...although some of them are actually very disturbing as well)

1. On the same subject as the whole “Frylock not being able to levitate until he was 2 years old or so” headcanon, another headcanon of mine that’s connected to that, is that for the first few years of his life he had very little control of his laser eyes, so sometimes he would accidentally zap things...or people. Sometimes he’d even manage to zap himself and wind up full of static electricity, which would make various things stick to him...among other side effects. He was especially prone to having these uncontrolled laser bursts if he was startled or scared, or otherwise upset.

And unfortunately, when he was a baby, a LOT of things scared him. Like, you’d never guess from how he is as an adult, but he was afraid of a ridiculous amount of things when he was really little (he doesn’t even remember any of this time period ironically).

The scientist who created him (who isn’t Dr. Weird [although he was heavily involved as well] as I came up with my own backstory for the trio that I honestly like more than the official one...if you’ve read my fanfictions on AO3 you can get a little bit of an idea of said backstory. The show doesn’t have much in the way of continuity so anything goes, really) literally couldn’t leave the room without Fry FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. New people scared him. Loud noises scared him. His own shadow. The stapler (for some reason). Coffee mugs. Fucking PIGEONS. All of these things (and more) were things he was absolutely terrified of...which meant they were to be avoided lest someone or something get hit with a blast of eyeball lasers.

To be fair, the world is a big, scary place when you’re the same size as an actual McDonald’s kids meal serving of French Fries.

2. Shake, on the other hand, was definitely not a skittish baby. On the contrary, he was fearless to the point of it being dangerous...to be fair, from what little I know about infants, most of them have little to no fear of things that can actually hurt them...I think? Again, I don’t know much about infants. Anyway, he was basically borderline FERAL as a baby. Destructive, temperamental, he even sometimes HISSED at people if he was sufficiently pissed off.

This, combined with his rather gluttonous appetite at that age, led to some rather awful incidents...and by that, well...

He was one of a group of beverage-based creatures (so is Sludge, let’s just stick her in this because why not), mostly based on milkshakes of various flavors. He was actually the first one made after Sludge (who came out defective...she was supposed to be a Slushy but something went wrong), so in essence the ones made afterwards were his younger siblings....

Yeah, he ate two of them. When he was less than a year old, HE ATE TWO OF HIS SIBLINGS.

The rest of them, sans Sludge, are all dead now due to unrelated backstory stuff that I will eventually explain. But, yeah, Shake literally had to be taught not to try and cannibalize his brothers and sisters. Is this extremely disturbing? Yes. But in the show, Shake has been depicted on multiple instances EATING HUMAN FLESH and apparently liking the taste. So eating other milkshake-monstrosities doesn’t seem too far from possible with him.

Lastly:

3. BABBY SOUNDS

Before he was able to talk, Frylock made similar sounding vocalizations to those of a kitten. Meeps, chirps, high-pitched mewling...like, if you need a specific example, watch the original “Hi Herbert” video. That’s what he sounded like as a lil tiny baby. He also sometimes sounded like an angry desert rain frog.

Shake, meanwhile, made horrifying noises. Screeching. Hissing. Snarling.

And Meatwad? Honestly, with him, I have no idea. I don’t have a lot of Meatwad headcanons honestly.

[dykeseinfeld]

u asked someone to remind you to post about your pjo dual protagonist thalia/bianca au and i am SO intrigued by this idea please say more

anon asked: hey queen hope your homework went good yesterday 🌸…now what were you saying about thalia and bianca 😳 ?

ok y’all i’m here...the moment almost none of y’all have been waiting for....bianca/thalia protagonists with alternating pov’s au

warning it’s kind of super long and may or may not read like a 2nd grader’s semi-coherent game of pretend so under the cut it goes!

so the main things you need to know about this au are 1. thalia survives and 2. annabeth’s + luke’s ages are a lil diff bc canon is my sandbox 3. i can’t decide if percy exists in this au or not (maybe y’all can help me decide?)

so the first book:

would start a few months after grover brought thalia (12), luke (13), and annabeth (10, not 7)  to camp half blood. they were chased by monsters sent by hades on the way, and thalia almost didn’t survive, but ultimately she got lucky and managed to send a bolt of lightning through her spear for the first time and they made it into camp

it’s been some time so annabeth is happy as a clam in the athena cabin doing her 10-year-old-with-severe-mommy-issues thing and luke is actually pretty popular with the hermes cabin bc he actually Met Their Dad Holy Shit and also he’s getting pretty good with a sword

at the same time, thalia is alone in the zeus cabin. everyone has been freaking out bc they all saw the huge bolt of lightning that incinerated a couple hellhounds as they made their grand entrance and What The Fuck Child Of The Big Three???

she’s also further isolated because chiron will take her for private training sessions sometimes, since she is clearly really powerful already and also Hades Himself was trying to kill her (chiron told her the reason was the big three’s pledge not to have kids, and maybe about the great prophecy? if he tells her that then she’s sworn to secrecy)

once grover leaves on another protector assignment, thalia mostly hangs out with luke, and annabeth. luke + annabeth both will try to eat meals with her at the zeus table but annabeth doesn’t want to get in trouble and luke is genuinely making friends in the hermes cabin so thalia will feel bad sometimes and send him back

kronos, seeing this bitter isolated child of the big three’s dreams: it’s free real estate

MEANWHILE

hades is Pissed that thalia survived and zeus got to break their oath And get the glory of a prophecy child

so he sends someone to take bianca (12) and nico (10) out of the lotus hotel and casino a little early.

grover is still their protector, but since the Stirring hasn’t begun in earnest yet and hades is lowkey determined to keep them safe, they make it back to camp half blood with no escort/incident

bianca + nico are put into the hermes cabin, and luke kinda takes them under his wing bc while he’s not bitter he still needs therapy bc this 14 year old has never met a pre-teen he couldn’t try to parent

luke introduces nico and annabeth since they’re the same age and they become really good friends!! she Loves mythomagic and he thinks her dagger is super cool and they’re both just really excited about camp <3

bianca is more reserved and resistant to the whole thing, and she wanders around alone exploring and runs into thalia in the zeus cabin

at this first meeting they get into a bit of a fight bc bianca is still in shock/denial about the gods being real, but thalia at this point has zero patience for this

anyway after that and maybe another scuffle during capture the flag or something they hit it off and become best friends in the way girls can, especially bonding over how they’ve both had to take on raising annabeth and nico basically on their own at the age of 12

~QUEST TIME~

thalia is given a quest for [unspecific reason] and chooses bianca and luke, they go off leaving annabeth and nico frustrated at home

quest hijinks etc, bianca is trying to figure out her parentage + her weird mysterious powers? and thalia is arguing with luke because he’s settling into camp/hero life really well actually but she’s getting progressively angrier with the gods for trying to kill her and also keeps getting dreams from kronos and doesn’t get why he doesn’t seem to remember all of the shit that the gods have put him through

bianca + thalia have las-vegas-style-heart-to-hearts where thalia shares her tragic backstory about her mother and her brother and how hades tried to kill her and even about the great prophecy and how she’s trying on this quest bc of that and her dad but at the same time these dreams are making her suspicious that he might’ve been responsible for her mom’s death.

bianca then shares her own stuff, about how terrified she was being on her own with nico having to protect him but also not remembering most of her childhood and not remembering her parents or how she ended up in the care of this lawyer and just the absolute mindfuckery that her memories/past are

luke is asleep in those scenes i guess lol 🧍‍♂️

anyway eventually they finish their quest in this massive climactic battle where bianca discovers her powers in a huge-showy-”i’m the ghost prince”-way and is formally claimed by hades which thalia sees as this Massive Betrayal obviously and bianca is horrified too because she knows what hades did to thalia but at the same time she’s just so happy to finally understand at least part of her past

thalia just reaches a breaking point though because everyone around her just doesn’t understand her anger and just when she thought she had found another sympathetic person who understood what she was going through she joins hades??? no. no fucking way. kronos reveals that he’s the one who has been sending her dreams, prob by sending some messenger who he possesses or smthing and when he offers thalia the chance to join him? she does (dun dun dun)

main beats of the rest of the series:

thalia and bianca on opposite sides of the war training to be the prophecy child, they come together a Lot and have like melodramatic fight scenes where they talk out their anger and try to get the other to join them bc they don’t want to kill each other

luke is extremely conflicted/betrayed and there’s a titan’s curse moment prob towards the end of the third book where they’re fighting and thalia is trying to get her to go with him but here he actually does go to join her (gasp!!) and is evil for at least one book but his heart’s not in it and he goes back to the good side eventually

by the point of luke’s betrayal, annabeth and nico are growing and developing and old enough to go on quests w bianca and by the last book they’re a main trio of sorts and their hypothetical character development is already making me emotional

there’s just a lot of general sexiness with foils and inner conflicts and bianca doesn’t even want to be the prophecy child but she needs to for the fate of the world and bianca is so angry at thalia bc thalia is a daughter of zeus and could control her powers and is perfect and just meant to be the prophecy kid, not some daughter of hades who they didn’t even have a cabin for before

hm maybe by either the last or second-to-last book thalia + bianca are close to reconciling or at least their interests are aligned for the moment and they read the text of the prophecy together and things go Wild bc they both think “single choice shall end his days” either is about luke or nico and it turns up the gas to their fighting both of them care about both of them and yeah

and then i can’t decide if there’s romantic arcs at all but if there were it would go like this:

just a dash of thaluke where at first it was luke having a one-sided crush but thalia misses him a Lot after she goes to kronos and wonders if it’s that she misses him or if it’s something More until to get him to defect there’s like a melodramatic moment in the fight where thalia kisses him and they go off to be Evil Together but it ends bc luke doesn’t believe in the cause and only joined her in hopes of getting thalia back to his side

once luke leaves/is kicked out thalia realizes that she didn’t love luke she just wanted a family and also in the second half of the series she realizes she’s a lesbian as a parallel to her redemption arc

bianca meanwhile is unconcerned w romance until she has her botl-hoe-moment where within one book she 1. runs into the hunters on a quest and has a thing with zoe nightshade who tries to get her to join plus tells her about that time she met thalia, 2. she goes to calypso’s island and falls in love w her in the moonlight or w/e and has her what-if moment, and 3. when they meet up that book thalia somehow knew abt zoe + calypso and seems almost angrier abt them  than the war?? weird bc bianca knows that thalia is Totally Straight right??

my main point is that bianca/thalia is our friends-to-enemies-to-lovers endgame thank you i will take my pulitzer now

[chalkrevelations]

OK, y’all, I’m back, finally, with Word of Honor Episode 8, and I have … a LOT of notes on this one. I’m trying to figure out how to organize this. Buckle up, I guess, because this is kind of a long one.

First of all, the usual warning: SPOILERS. This is a re-watch, so there are spoilers not only for this episode, but for the entire show. Scroll away and come back later if you want to watch all 36.5 eps unspoiled.

So, this is an ep that’s really good to me, because the found-family dynamic is one of the things that sold me on the show, and a ton of the ensemble work that builds and enriches that dynamic is centered on scenes about food and eating together, on literally nourishing the body(ies) of the family, from A-Xiang’s repeated instances of cooking bread on a stick over a fire, to fish soup with Ye Baiyi, to Wen Kexing’s elaborate New Year’s meal, and all the various and sundry restaurant sit-downs in between. Feeding each other and eating together is how these characters form bonds. Alternately, inability to provide sustenance or rejection of food implies distance. The point at which Zhou Zishu is still denying Chengling’s request to become his disciple, he’s unable to cook a fish properly for the poor kid to eat. Cao Weining falls in love at first sight and immediately buys A-Xiang not one, but two dinners, because the first one gets cold and he’s going to spend the rest of his life providing the best (emotional) nourishment he can for her. Paying for Ye Bayi’s meal earns a favor from him. When A-Xiang is separated from Wen Kexing and Zhang Chengling and Zhou Zishu, she eats up the little corn family she sees as representative of them, as if she can keep them with her by taking the food that represents them into herself. Despite the fact that Zhou Zishu is losing his sense of taste (evidenced by his ability to suck down wine that any and everyone else spits out in disgust), he continues to fully participate in meals, sharing food and both accepting and providing choice bits to Chengling and WKX at Siji Manor, in a scene that is possibly the most heartfelt domestic bit of the show. Rejecting (dramatically so) the table that’s been set for him by Prince Jin is symbolic of Zhou Zishu’s rejection of their relationship. And as we ultimately learn from Ye Baiyi’s storyline, eating is what makes us human, with all of our messy, painful, gorgeous connections to the world, in contrast to the icy seclusion of immortality. Which makes me feel some kind of way about the facts that WKX started out by burning A-Xiang’s mouth on too-hot porridge before he learned how to take care of her and was saved by her in Ghost Valley and that A-Xiang and WKX, who are both trying to find their way back to the human world from the world of ghosts, become the primary physical nourishers in their relationships with Cao Weining, Zhang Chengling, and Zhou Zishu. It also makes me feel some kind of other (ambivalent) way that part and parcel of the immortality Ye Baiyi achieves for a time and passes on is predicated on being willing to only eat and drink ice and snow, and the symbolic ways that separates you from the rest of the world and from forming the various connections we see forged through food.

All of which is to say that I’m delighted by this ep, where one of the first scenes is an extremely awkward dinner scene at the restaurant with ZZS, WKX, A-Xiang and Cao Weining, which not only plays into a lot of that, but is also comedy gold, and possibly one of the best scenes of the ep (and I say that knowing we’re eventually going to be getting to Han Ying, My Beloved). It’s hilarious how irritated WKX is by the mere fact of Cao Weining’s existence (JunJun, your little pouty face, it’s amazing). And it is triply hilarious how much of a whole-ass troll ZZS manages to be when he realizes the opportunity this presents. I’m not sure we’ve seen ZZS this cheerful … well, yet, at this point in the show, as when he’s just realized how much WKX clearly disapproves of this character who’s after his baby girl and how much of a chance this provides to fuck with WKX. It’s such an asshole move, but at the same time, it’s so weirdly charming to see him willing to play like this. It gives us a great character grace note right in the middle of the comedy - it’s the sort of teasing we see from him with Jiuxiao over the hairpin in Ep 1, and at the same time, it’s also kind of subtle, I think, in the way it calls back to almost the entire ZZS-WKX relationship up to this point. ZZS has clearly been paying attention – almost everything he says to Cao Weining is him giving up with both hands stuff that WKX has had to pry out of him with a crowbar. And it’s blazingly obvious that it’s deliberate. When he compliments CWN, ZZS comments that “it’s our fate to meet each other,” directly echoing what WKX said to ZZS in Ep 2. He waves off the price of dinner, telling CWN that “money is just a possession” after making WKX beg for his wallet and deploy the Sadness Eyebrows before he was willing to hand it over in the last ep. He immediately volunteers his name (or, at least, the name he’s using, Zhou Xu), and asks CWN’s in return. He waxes eloquent about CWN’s sect and background. WKX’s entire face journey through all of this is a delight to watch. ZZS repeats that it’s their fate to meet, and WKX’s eyes almost roll out of his head. ZZS invites CWN to sit and have a drink together, and WKX’s mouth literally drops open. Finally, when WKX learns that A-Xiang is not going to make this interloper go away because he’s her ticket into Yueyang sect, he orders her to go find his wallet (presumably knowing that CWN will follow her when she leaves). As CWN leaves, ZZS reassures him that making friends is “mostly about resonance,” and the implication I presume, is that there is resonance between ZZS and CWN (and yeah, in more ways than one, as CWN will be the ZZS stand-in as these two relationships grow more and more parallel), in contrast to a supposed lack of resonance between ZZS and WKX. I … am not entirely sure that this is just to fuck with WKX, although it’s definitely part and parcel of that, or if it’s a little bit of ZZS trying to convince himself, particularly given a moment later in the ep, which I’ll get to later. In which case, sure, A-Xu. You keep telling yourself that. You didn’t get off at ALL on him staring at you like you’re the most gorgeous thing on earth. Uh-huh.

Outside, A-Xiang and CWN have a little foodie moment together, and if there ever was a fandom that needed a food-truck AU, it’s this one. I’m SO glad that after A-Xiang and Cao-dage got married, they settled down together and opened that little restaurant just down the mountain from Siji Manor. (Shut. Up.) Meanwhile, ZZS and WKX continue to drink inside, now that they’ve gotten rid of the kids. They discuss Mo Huaiyang (:spits:), with ZZS calling him a “cunning old fox” and wondering what a big rabbit like CWN is doing in his den (owowowoOW). WKX promises to get A-Xiang to check on ZZS’s disciple inside Yueyang Sect – he kind of emphasizes that your disciple bit, like he doesn’t really care at all what happens to Chengling, nuh-uh. OK, my dude, you keep telling yourself that, I guess. There’s yet another discussion about Philanthropist Wen’s real motives, which he claims are to empty out hell, which is metaphorically taken to mean saving the damned, although he probably literally means razing Ghost Valley and maybe the jianghu along with it, as he warns ZZS once again that “the fiercest ghosts tend to disguise themselves as human.” And because everything has a triple meaning in this show, this also, again, is also, again, a warning about himself – that he may look human, but he’s not, really.

Meanwhile, Chengling’s been delivered to Gao Chong at Yueyang Sect, where he’s undergoing the worst kind of family bonding. We learn where ShenShen gets his sparkling way with people, when Gao Chong’s first move is to frown at Chengling, feel his biceps and want to know if he’s sick, because he’s such a weakling. We also see where ShenShen gets the yelling and threats of violence. Both Gao Chong and ShenShen put the press on Chengling for the Glazed Armor, as he continues to insist he doesn’t remember anything about it, while Zhao Jing continues to be the “reasonable” one, tearfully telling Gao Chong to be nicer to the traumatized orphan for the sake of his father, oh, oops, I didn’t mean to remind Da-ge of the estrangement with Mirror Lake that’s mentally torturing him now and make him so emotional that this conversation gets cut short, no really, that was not my intention at all, my bad. Sure, buddy. Anyway, this gives us confirmation that Zhang Yusen hadn’t been interacting with his Five Lakes brothers for a while before Mirror Lake was targeted. But never mind that, you can trust us, Gao Chong tells Chengling, and follows up by asking him: Besides us, who can you trust? Which does not actually sound that trustworthy, my guy, and I begin to suspect that Five Lakes Alliance is running things because you’re the biggest bullies, as not a single one of you seems to know how to be the least bit politic. Except for Awful Yifu, who’s not so much adept at politics as at skullduggery. ANYWAY, when asked who he can trust, we can see Chengling thinking “MY NEW DADS” like it’s lit up in neon over his head. We also see him continue to press or clutch the place on his abdomen where we previously saw his injury, so that’s still bothering him, and I can’t imagine why it might do that any time he has to argue with one of these Five Lakes assholes about the Glazed Armor, amirite? I do also notice, though, that he calls both Gao Chong and Zhao Jing “bobo,” which I think is a more familial term for uncle? as opposed to “shishu” for ShenShen, which is martial, and I’m not sure exactly what distinction he’s driving home by doing so, but there you go. Chengling is sent away to rest, and on leaving the hall he immediately gets bullied by Xie Wuyang, one of Zhao Jing’s undercover Yueyang twinks, before being rescued by Gao Xiaolian, daughter of Gao Chong. She takes him to his new room, which faces right onto the training grounds, because no one’s told him yet how much he needs to build himself up, right? And we get to see a bunch of little Yueyang shits who acted like good boys and promised Xiaolian to her face that they would train with Chengling but who then immediately turn around and start mocking him as soon as she goes away, so WKX’s assessment of how the jianghu is full of assholes continues to look kind of correct. What is Cao Weining doing in this whole hive of scum and villainy?

We get a brief detour here to go with Xiaolian to meet Cao Weining and A-Xiang, and she agrees to let A-Xiang stay with her, before a disciple comes to get her to help set up for taking Chengling to worship at the Five Lakes Alliance memorial. Xiaolian helpfully lets us know that this is weird, because it’s going to be dark soon. A-Xiang sneaks away and informs WKX and ZZS that this is weird, because it’s going to be dark soon. ZZS and WKX also spot some of the Tian Chuang Action Lanterns and surmise that some “feudal lords” seen outside the city are up to no good, so they go and skulk in the bushes along the road to the Five Lakes Alliance monument.

This is getting super-long, so I’m going to get right to the next important part, which is the bit where Han Ying (My Beloved) and his Tian Chuang forces have laid a trap for Gao Chong and Chengling on the way back from the monument, and they try to kidnap Chengling. Han Ying continues to be cold, haughty, and capable at his job right up to the moment when ZZS jumps out of the bushes to foil the kidnapping with his signature Swiftly Moving Steps and a frankly ridiculous bit of gauzy fabric tied around the bottom half of his face as a disguise. Han Ying’s instant change of demeanor is something to behold – he can’t even notice that WKX has him by the throat around the hearts in his eyes as he recognizes ZZS. Which, let’s face it, he ought to, because ZZS spent a decade and a half running around with all of these guys with the bottom half of his face covered, so you’d think more of them would recognize him, but apparently the Cover Girl bangs throw them off. Anyway, WKX grabs Han Ying and they use him as a hostage to get Tian Chuang to release Gao Chong, Chengling and a bunch of Yueyang disciples. Once everyone else is gone, WKX and ZZS drag Han Ying into the bushes, where he hits his knees ten times faster than WKX has yet for ZZS, so maybe it’s WKX’s own fault that he’s left standing around, ignored and vinegary. Han Ying is back to the puppy-dog he was around ZZS in Ep 1, and interestingly, the way Zhang Zhehan is styled here makes ZZS look more severe than he has in a while – he’s got a lot of his hair up in the high pony that looks a bit like the topknot from the front, all the rest of his hair is back behind his shoulders, and his bangs are pushed back out of his face more than usual, making him look more like his Tian Chuang self as he talks to Han Ying. Who he calls Ying’er, and omg, fuck you subtitles, for not including this because HE CALLS HIM YING’ER AND I’M DYING. (Also, oh god, I just realized that the Ying of his name is the same character as “hero.” Which, just, the simple fact of it, of course, but also it was used in the “hero saving the beauty/beauty saving the hero” (overdubbed) lip-read from Ep 6, and now I’m dying on the floor, because that’s kind of a weird little link between Zhen Yan WKX and Han Ying already. It’s likely coincidence, but it’s potentially USEFUL, yes, all my fic writers out there?) Anyway, Han Ying is desperately worried - he knows something’s wrong, because ZZS isn’t bothering to disguise himself with that awful fake face anymore to keep himself safe from Prince Jin’s spies, and also, HOW IS YOUR INJURY, MY LORD? (DO YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE TENDER CARE OF YOU?) WKX continues to look vaguely uncomfortable about this whole thing that’s going on right in front of his salad. Han Ying swears he’ll do anything for ZZS. WKX clears his throat loudly to draw attention and suggestively asks if he should leave for a while. (I am not shitposting here, this actually, literally happens.) ZSS literally huffs in annoyance and ignores him. He tells Han Ying that he saw signs of Tian Chuang at Yueyang and thought they were after him. We can see Han Ying thinking, “No, if I’d known you were here, you’d have found me on my knees by your bedside waiting patiently like a good boy.” We learn that Duang Pengju (that asshole) has had Han Ying looking for the Glazed Armor since the Mirror Lake massacre, probably to take credit for anything he finds. Han Ying reiterates that he’ll do anything for ZZS, and ZZS tells him to stay out of all this, saying that what Han Ying can do for him is stay alive (well, OW).

After this, we get a scene of ZZS and WKX still hanging around by the side of the road after dark. ZZS sincerely thanks WKX for his help, and says he owes WKX a favor. WKX asks him what’s really going on with ZZS and Chengling. ZZS says that he couldn’t stand around and do nothing while this kid was in danger, likely stirring some Zhen Yan feels in WKX that we don’t officially know about yet, at this point. ZZS asks WKX, again, about his Weird Thing about the Five Lakes Alliance and whether it was a coincidence that WKX was at Mirror Lake for the massacre. WKX goes vaguely Ghost Valley Master wild-eyed and says of course not! before laughing and saying, “I followed you, remember?” He gets friend-zoned and follows up by asking ZZS, “Why don’t you ask what I think of you?” ZZS – pretty unconvincingly, tbqh – says he doesn’t care and stomps off, leaving WKX to stare after him soulfully and call him zhiji. Much like that resonance thing earlier - you keep telling yourself that, A-Xu. The next time we see them, they’re at the marketplace, probably the next day, and you remember that thing I said about bonding via food? We’ve come back full circle to that, too. Zhen Yan WKX is 7 years old again, he wants some reassurance that he is ZZS’s super-special friend, and he works his way through the marketplace making ZZS buy him every sweet thing to eat that he can find. Every time ZZS has to pull out his wallet, he makes this pissy little face, but he keeps paying. ZZS is hopeless at cooking, but if you can’t make your own, store-bought will do, WKX is craving reassurance, and as uncomfortable as ZZS is with how close WKX has gotten at this point, he continues to provide it. I also want to point out another censorship dub here, thanks again to AvenueX on Youtube: As they’re figting over the way WKX is spending ZZS’s money in this scene, when WKX tries to grab ZZS’s hand, and ZZS is all ‘”Don’t touch me,” the voice dubbing has WKX say that repaying ZZS is no big deal, he’ll just let ZZS order him around, with ZZS’s response being to tell him to get lost, then. OTOH, lip-read gives us, from WKX, that it’s no big deal, he’ll sell the rest of his life to ZZS, with ZZS’s response as a threat to sell him to a brothel, then. :hands:

Quick wrap-up from there: They go watch some exotic dancers, only there turns out to be an unexpected pile of heads in the follow-up magician’s act, which turn out to be from the guys who were in the “bridal party” at the Ghost Valley “wedding” a few eps ago, and everyone swears vengeance against the Ghost Valley. WKX and ZZS go to visit Chengling, who is supposedly sick and can’t see them, but they get introduced to Gao Chong. Gao Chong and WKX are weird at each other, and ZZS is increasingly suspicious. He’s got his thinky face on, and we don’t get any literally pokey fingers, but I can’t help but think there are some mental pokey fingers going on, as he turns over all the info he knows in his head. Then some Yueyang disciple comes shrieking in about a dead body, omg, death, destruction, death, and Gao Chong is all, Seriously? In front of guests? before we’re out.

[mordoriscalling]

The Shrike and the Lark (pt.8)

Jaskier and Renfri are disaster twins ruling Creyden. When the Warlord of the North knocks at their door, Queen Renfri and King Julian are at an advantage - they know him. As in, they know him. (Inspired by the Warlord AU and “the heart is a winged beast”).

(Pt. 1) (Pt. 2) (Pt. 3) (Pt. 4) (Pt. 5) (Pt. 6) (Pt. 7)

Credyen, 1237

“Give me that which you already have but do not know of.”

Following the Queen’s words, all eyes turn to the Warlord, whose countenance twists in rage. With fury blazing in his gaze, he looks every inch of the formidable, feared White Wolf.

“What have you done?!” he thunders. “Have you the slightest idea what you’ve just done, Renfri?! The Law is not to be trifled with!”

“I do not claim it lightly,” the Queen replies, unmoved in the face of his wrath. She glances at Eskel and adds, “But witchers do practice this custom, do they not?”

“Very rarely,” the Warlord growls. “We’ve learned to be cautious with it.”

“I am aware of the gravity of my demand,” Queen Renfri insists. “Yet it seems to me a fair price for saving your life.”

White Wolf’s fists clench at his sides. He seizes Queen Renfri with a murderous glare but she does not cower. The witcher curses and turns to leave, but it is then that a knock on the door resounds and Lambert enters.

When it became apparent that the Queen was saved, the Warlord’s School-brother was tasked with delivering the news to the people of the castle. Now, he returns and stops dead in his tracks as he sees Queen.

“Awake already, Your Majesty?” he says, bemused.

“The witcher potion seems to have done some wonders,” Lem answers.

“Interesting,” Lambert says, more to himself, then clears his throat. “Anyway, everyone rejoices to find that Her Majesty will live. Lady Chancellor almost wept in relief. She’s already overseeing the preparations of a small celebration.”

“Melitele bless her,” Queen Renfri replies with a smile. “Thank you, Lambert.”

The fiery-haired witcher inclines his head and approaches his Lord.

“Vesemir tried to contact you through Yennefer’s xenovox," he says quietly. "I took the message but it’s nothing bad, so don’t worry your pretty head over it. I’ll tell you later.”

The Warlord stills.

“What message?” he asks.

A deathly hush falls over the room.

“It can wait,” Lambert dismisses.

“What message?” the White Wolf demands again, harshly this time.

The tension in the air is near suffocating.

“New trainees arrived yesterday,” Lambert reveals reluctantly, with a frown of confusion. “Twenty-six boys this time.”

The stunned silence rings louder than any noise ever could.

Then, chaos beings: there is a collective “What the fuck” from the White Wolf, his right and left hand. Lambert demands an explanation and it is given to him, his “What the fuck” is a lot louder. Triss remarks, “This is the hand of Destiny at work.” Then, the Warlord’s companions descend into protests of, “This cannot be” and other such despaired arguments.

Meanwhile, King Julian and Queen Renfri stare at each other, eyes wide and mouth agape, until they simultaneously break into incredulous laughter.

“Hiacynt,” the King breathes out, awed by her. “There will be a future. Not only ruin!”

The Queen smiles warmly and squeezes his hand. He returns the touch, a joyful grin on his face. They both chuckle, but their moment of happiness is interrupted by the Warlord’s furious growl.

“I’ll not give them to you,” he decides. “The boys are... they are pack. My kin.”

“Think, witcher,” Queen Renfri replies, now angry as well. “If they’re your kin, then doesn’t the Law join our families together? Isn’t this the perfect way to seal the contract between our kingdoms?”

“It’s too much,” he snaps. “I will not give them to you.”

With that, the White Wolf storms out of the room. Eskel and Triss Merigold follow right after.

“Gods, what a fucking mess,” Lambert mutters under his breath, then leaves too.

Lady Yennefer and Lem linger. The elf healer changes the Queen bandages, instructs her not to leave the bed unless strictly necessary, then ensures that she drinks two cups of fluid. Overall, however, he deems her condition already much improved. Thus, the Queen does not require constant medical supervision, and Lem exits the chamber as well. Only King Julian and Lady Yennefer remain here now.

“Astonishing,” the sorceress remarks as soon as the healer leaves, her tone dancing at the edge of rage. “New trainees come to the keep once every three years.”

“It’s all a fortunate coincidence,” Queen Renfri replies.

“Fortunate?” Yennefer scoffs. “For whom?”

“For all.”

Yennefer crosses the room in a few brisk strides and stands on the unoccupied side of Queen Renri’s bed.

“Is that so?” she demands, her furious gaze boring into the Queen, who only nods. “How infuriating it is,” the sorceress ponders aloud, “that I cannnot see into your thoughts.”

“Do you believe me?” Renfri asks, small and vurneble.

Lady Yennefer’s countenance remains stern, with the same wrath simmering underneath.

“We could be a family,” Renfri adds quietly.

At this, the lightning disappears from the violet of Yennefer’s eyes. Her features grow a touch gentler, her posture becomes a bit less threatening.

“We could,” she allows, then promptly leaves the room.

After she leaves, it seems as though the world is able to breathe again. The twin monarchs just sit there, dazed, until King Julian comments, “She’s certainly magnificent, I’ll give you that.”

Queen Renfri snorts, a delicate blush rising on her cheeks, and slaps her brother in the arm.

“Idiot,” she mutters angrily, shooting him a withering look. Her eyes soften, however, as she takes note of the frayed state her twin is in. “Look at you,” she says. “You’ve driven yourself nearly to the brink, haven’t you?”

“What am I without a half of my soul,” he asks, “if not a shadow of a man?”

“Idiot,” she repeats with fondness. “Go to sleep, Jaskier.”

It is only mid-afternoon, and the sun shines bright outside, but Jaskier listens to the command without batting an eye. He removes his shoes and buries himself under the covers next to Renfri. She does not protest, shifting in the bed to make room for him.

“What if this is all a dream,” Jaskier wonders quietly, “And I’ll wake up to the nightmare of watching you die?”

“You’ll wake to me right here, whole and hale,” Renfri whispers, “I promise. All will be well now.”

Jaskier nods, closing his eyes with a sigh. After a moment, he begins humming a slow melody under his breath.

“Mama’s lullaby,” Renfri murmurs with a smile, then starts crooning the tune too.

With their mother’s song on their lips, the twins fall asleep.

Sometime after sundown, the Queen is startled awake by the sudden sound of flames bursting in the fireplace. It is Eskel’s doing; the witcher has been watching over the monarchs and wished to keep the fire going by casting the Sign of Igni. Before he can apologise for waking her, however, Queen Renfri poses a question.

“Has your Lord come to a different decision?” she whispers, so as not to wake her brother.

“He’s still of the same mind,” Eskel murmurs.

Queen Renfri releases a heavy breath.

“Does your Lord deem it such a terrible fate,” she asks the witcher, “To be tied to a Black Sun Princess?”

The White Wolf’s right hand measures her with a heavy stare.

“Geralt does not react well to Destiny’s games,” he replies. “He seems to have been her pawn too many times already.”

“Aren’t we all,” Queen Renfri says with a wry smile which Eskel returns.  

Soon, the Queen falls asleep once more. The Wolf witcher keeps watch by her and her twin for a few hours more, often regarding the King with a competitive look on his face, but then Triss comes by and coaxes him into going to rest.

King Julian wakes shortly after sunrise, and so does his sister.

“Gods,” Queen Renfri groans right after opening her eyes, “I need a bath. You do too,” she tells her brother. “You need to wash and change. Get out of here, Jaskier, I’m sure fresh air will do you some good.”

Jaskier obliges, grumbling that he does not stink. He leaves his twin sister in the care of her ladies-in-waiting, who assist her in the bath. Although Queen Renfri dislikes being dressed or bathed by anyone, she is still too weak to even stand upright for long. What is more, the bolt which wounded her not only damaged her artery but muscle tissue too. As a result, her right arm is immobilised. Since the Queen is right-handed, the injury hinders her everyday functioning considerably, which she is irritated with already. The fact that the healer only allows her to have broth for breakfast does not improve her mood in the slightest.

In the meantime, King Julian washes as well, though with much less annoyance involved. He is in high spirits, in fact, singing to himself all the while. Dressed but unshaved, he goes to the Great Hall to break his fast. The sight of the King walking the halls once more reassures his subjects greatly. Some courtiers stop by to inquire about the Queen’s health, and King Julian vouches that she is well and that they will see her soon too.

When the King sits at the high table in the Hall, he finds Eskel eating there.

“You kept the beard,” the witcher remarks as he beholds the week-long facial hair.

“It makes me appear rather distinguished, don’t you think?” King Julian says with a brilliant grin.

“That it does,” Eskel confirms, his lips quirked upwards, though there is certain tightness at the corners of his eyes.

“How’s Geralt?” the King asks after he takes his seat.  

“The same. I don’t think he’ll change his mind. He just wants to go home, may not even want to sign the treaty anymore.”

King Julian curses but does not say anything more and begins eating. Throughout the meal, he throws glances in his lover’s direction; the witcher is tense and uncharacteristically quiet.

“What is wrong?” the King inquires eventually. “Is it because of what happened yesterday? I understand if you’re angry, I imagine it’s not easy to –”

“You and your sister weren’t shocked,” Eskel claims, “to find that the Law would grant you the trainees. Surprised, but not shocked.”

The expression on the monarch’s face becomes serious and grim. Pushing his plate away, he asks his lover to follow him. He leads the witcher to the gardens, away from any prying ears. As they stop to stand under a lime tree, King Julian begins to explain.

“That night a week ago, when run out of your rooms out of the sudden, and asked you not to follow... I went to see Renfri. I had... a vision.” Eskel raises his eyebrows in surprise but does not comment. The King continues, “My sister and I have them sometimes, in our dreams. They’re incredibly vague and rarely ever come true but... I saw young boys living in this castle.”

“You didn’t want me to know,” the witcher replies, reproachful. “You invited me to your bed and took me apart, yet you’ve been hiding yourself from me.”

“I’m a strange beast, Eskel,” the King states in his defence. “I prefer to keep some parts of me unseen.”

“You’re no beast, Jaskier,” Eskel retorts. “Whatever creature you are, you’re not a beast.”

Jaskier, touched, brushes his hand through the witcher’s locks in a tender gesture.

“My wonder Wolf,” he murmurs.

Eskel kisses him then, passionately, like he is starving solely for the taste of his lover’s mouth. Jaskier moans and parts his lips willingly, returning the kiss with the same hunger. When they break apart, they pant heavily, their foreheads pressed together.

“I’m close to losing my heart to you,” Eskel confesses in a hot whisper. Jaskier gasps but is not given a chance to respond because the witcher says, “Yet, there is one matter we must address, is there not?” He straightens, looking at Jaskier with both heat and pain in his gaze. “You and Geralt. Whatever lingers between you is far from settled.”

“What of it?” Jaskier asks. “It’s all in the past.”

“Be honest,” the witcher demands sternly. “I notice the way your body reacts to him. Your heart sings for him.”

“It sings for you too! You must see that it does!”

“I fear it’s not the same kind of song. I would rather step back now, while I still can.”

“No,” Jaskier whimpers. “Eskel, I – with you, I’m learning not to be afraid. Of myself. Don’t leave, please – ”

“Don’t fret,” the witcher reassures. “You may still have a friend in me if you wish.”

Jaskier reaches out and lays his palm on the scarred side of Eskel’s face, brushing his thumb against the jagged skin.

“What I wish,” he says quietly, “Is to wake up and fall asleep beside you.”

Eskel heaves a sigh and presses his cheek into the touch.

“Destiny seems to have spoken, Lark,” he argues, voice low and mournful. “If you and Geralt cannot escape each other, you should resolve the issues between you as soon as possible.”

“What makes you believe that you stand in the way? My heart is big enough for two Wolves.”  

“Of that, I have no doubt,” the witcher answers, “But Geralt won’t allow himself a chance as long as he sees that I am with you, and he deserves happiness more than anyone.”

At this, Jaskier withdraws his hand abruptly, turning his head away.

“The Warlord of the North is fortunate indeed,” he mutters angrily, “to have a man by his side who loves him above all else.”

Eskel grasps Jaskier chin with his fingers and tilts his face back to himself. Jaskier allows it, though his gaze is set stubbornly downwards. The witcher leans in close so that their mouths are a mere inch apart.

“Forgive me,” he whispers, the plea sorrowful and soft.

“Only if you come back to me,” Jaskier rasps, the condition equally sad and gentle.

And that is how it ends: gently. Just a brush of lips, a pained sound at the back of Jaskier’s throat, a shudder of Eskel’s breath. Then, the witcher is gone.

Jaskier slumps against the trunk of the lime tree. He produces a string of foul curses, then his eyes well up with tears. He tries to blink them back but they fall anyway; it is not often that he has his own heart broken.

He is found in this state – the picture of heartbreak – by Lady Chancellor. Previously busy with preventing the kingdom from descending into chaos as the two rulers were indisposed, the lady now strides towards the monarch with urgency, her posture showing signs of alarm.  

“My King!” she cries.

“What is it, Temis?” he demands.

“Pont Vanis has been seized!” Temis reveals. “Kovir and Poviss have made their move.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,“ the King drawls. “It can never be just one crisis at a time, can it?”

Read the rest on AO3

[nataliedanovelist]

GF - Where the Crop Circles Grow ch.1

Summary: When things get out of hand at the Pines’ family farm, Ford asks an old college buddy to assist investigating anomalies and Stan hires a farmhand. Who knew asking for help would actually get you somewhere?

For @lemonfodrizzleart. Part of her Farmer AU and featuring her OC, Jackie Asante.

Ao3 link here.

ch.2

~~~~~~~~~~

“Jackie, was it?” Stan repeated as he rocked in his chair, the shade feeling comfortable with the warm summer’s day baking everything that dared to escape air conditioning.

“Yes, sir.” The woman repeated. Her ankles were crossed as she sat in her rocking chair, her hands on her lap. Nerves hindered her normal behavior; Never in a million years would she sit like this, unless she really wanted a job and wanted to impress her potential employer.

The man in a gray t-shirt (it might have been white at some point), dirty jeans, and boots raised an eyebrow at her and waved the response away with a strong hand. “First off, there’s no need for all that sir-stuff, okay? I ain’t that old.”

Jackie let out a good-natured snort and smiled more relaxed. “Okay.” She sat a little bit more relaxed, now one knee over the other, and she rocked a little in her blue-jeans, white t-shirt, and light-purple jacket, the bottoms of the side tied together and her sleeves rolled up.

Stan looked at her, reading her as if she was a book, and he instantly knew he would like her. Something in the sparkle in her dark eyes, something in the way she held herself up promised the whole world that she was way more capable than what people initially believed and she was going to rub it in their faces.

Okay, now that he got that out of the way, what was he supposed to do now? Sixer probably had a pamphlet full of things to do or a check-list in his brain of what to ask her, but that genius got distracted by some new freaky thing and ran off into the woods, but not without telling Stan to interview the potential farmhand. Why’d he have to do this? It was all Sixer’s idea. While a farmhand was probably a good idea, Stan would’ve hoped they could save the dough by making Ford and his friend from college work, but both brothers knew that wasn’t going to happen. Well, she was here. Might as well get her a drink.

“Want a soda or somethin’?” Stan asked as he stood and stretched his arms over his head, his shirt stretched tightly over his gut and strong chest.

Jackie shrugged with a smile and stood. “Sure, thanks.”

Stan waved towards himself casually, signalling her to follow him, and he led the way inside the house. Jackie followed him and allowed herself to take in the space without being too nosy. In front of the doorway was a big living room with a yellow-plaid couch and matching armchair, a card table, a wood-burning stove, and even a TV. An owl-themed tick-tock clock hooted the time (11:00am) with eleven wheezy hoots. Stan led the way to the left, the opposite direction of the stairs leading up to the second floor, and into the kitchen.

Jackie’s face flinched a little bit at the state of the room, a big mess all over the table and every square inch of counter decorated with books, food, and dirty dishes. Jackie stood at the doorway and couldn’t help but notice a picture of a family hanging by her head. A man with a straw hat and sunglasses stood tall and strong behind his family, while his wife sat with a set of twins in her arms, hugging them with a big smile. A third boy, about three years older than the twins, smiled in front of the father and besides the mother. 

“Well, this here’s the kitchen.” Stan narrated pointlessly to fill the air, stealing Jackie from her thoughts. His head was in the fridge but he soon emerged with two glass bottles of Pitt soda. He even popped one open for Jackie before giving it to her. “Livin’ room’s just by the door, then past the stairs is two bedrooms, one’s a master with a bathroom, and then upstairs is the attic and two more bedrooms.”

“Nice place.” Jackie complimented.

“Thanks.” Stan said after a sip of soda. “Pa left it to me and my brother. We got another brother, Shermie, but he’s workin’ for a bank in California. Got a kid now and everythin’.”

“Ah, somebody’s an uncle.” The dark-skinned woman commented with a smile.

Stan grinned proudly and seemed to have straightened his stance just a little bit. “Yup. Anyways, what made you wanna work here?”

Jackie shrugged. “I’ve always liked the fresh air n’ workin’ hard. My mama used to say sittin’ still’s a sin.”

Stan smiled in agreement. He was right; he liked this girl. “Okay, so what can you do?”

Jackie took a second to think of what she can do that applies to a farm. Really, in her mind the list kept growing. She couldn’t think of a single thing she couldn’t do if she really tried, so she gave him a sly smile and said, “Anythang.”

Stan barked a laugh and freed a finger from holding the bottle to point at her. “I like your style! Alright, so how much you want a month?”

“Eight-hundred.”

Stan raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think that’s a little high?” Not that he was worried; he liked to negotiate.

“Don’t you think I need enough to rent a place?” Jackie returned.

Stan snorted. “If you’re looking for a place to stay, we’ve got three… well, two bedrooms we aren’t usin’. You could stay with us rent-free for cheaper pay.”

“Well how much you willin’ to fork over?”

Stan grinned. Yup, he liked her. He wasn’t going to lose such a promising worker. “Five-hundred a month.”

“Deal.” Jackie held out a hand to shake.

Stan grasped it and shook. “Then you’re hired. You can have tomorrow to move in and…”

“No, I can start work tomorrow.” Jackie insisted. “Just give me this afternoon.”

Stan grinned. “Alright, fine. You’ll start first thing in the mornin’ tomorrow. You’ll know when. Go get what you need and I’ll show you your room and give you the full tour of the farm. There’s a stable and chicken coop and barn and fields full of work, as you saw comin’ in. You’ve got your work cut out for you.”

Stan exited the kitchen, giving Jackie a good look at the dirty kitchen. She sneered playfully to herself, “I can see that,” and followed her new boss out of the house.

~~~~~~~~~~

Ford was tired, but satisfied with his success. He collapsed into a rocking chair on the porch and glanced down at the photos in his hands; that polaroid Stanley got him for Hanukkah was being used well. It was so rare to get pictures of the floating eyes so crystal clear, mostly only seeing them at night, but these were lurking in the shadows of the overgrown trees and bush of the woods, and by sheer luck and perfect timing on Ford’s part, he got what he wanted.

The six-fingered investigator pulled out his journal from his messenger bag and bookmarked a page to fill out later with the photos. As he closed the book and became lost in thought at the sight of his golden handprint, the screen door opened and Stanley poked his head in. “Hey, dinnertime, nerd.”

“Coming,” Ford said as his brother left and he got to his feet, suddenly very hungry and ready to eat so he could finish his work for today.

While Stanley sat in a chair, rubbed his hands together, and smacked his lips at the table, Ford stood at the doorway with his jaw hanging like an executed criminal. Laid out on the big table in the kitchen was a plate full of fried chicken, collard greens, a skillet of cornbread, mashed potatoes with cheese, and unless Ford’s nose was playing tricks on him, there was something made of chocolate in the oven. Even more surprising than the mouth-watering meal was the stranger in the house. 

Untying a long apron, a dark-skinned woman with short black hair was standing by the hooks on the walls for keys and hats. She smiled as she hung her apron up and said, “Wash up, Mr. Pines. Oh, excuse me. Dr. Pines.” She added playfully.

Ford snorted. Apparently Stanley already told her about his twelve PhDs. “Please, call me Ford, ma’am.” He requested as he went to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. “Let me guess… you decided to hire Ms. Jackie Asante, Knucklehead?”

“You make it sound like it’s a bad idea.” Stan quipped as Jackie sat in the chair on his right. He threw her a wink, which her eyes sparkled at.

“Quite the contrary, considering she clearly sees fit to celebrate Thanksgiving any day of the year.” Ford said as he sat in the chair across the table from his twin.

Jackie smiled with hot cheeks and shrugged. “Clearly you’ve been starving out here. Well, you can forget TV dinners and take-out for awhile. At least not while I’m breathing.”

“Now hold up, take-out’s delicious.” Stan defended as he brought a chicken leg up to his lip and bit down with a beautiful crunch. His eyes grew wide and he sagged in relief and delight. He munched on his chicken happily and managed to wheeze out between bites. “Fuck take-out.”

“Stanley,” Ford scolded lightly before trying his dinner, but he was amazing and started mumbling swears like a sailor.

Meanwhile, Jackie grinned proudly into her cup of water and started to cut up the cornbread. Maybe getting this job was a good idea after all.

[easyfoodnetwork]

Food-Adjacent TV to Stream This Weekend, According to Eater Staff

Actor Sandra Oh, wearing a black chef beanie and a white t-shirt, talks on an iPhone outside a restaurant kitchen. | BBC America

“Killing Eve,” reality TV favorites, classic sitcoms, and more

We at Eater spend a lot of time thinking about food, so when it appears on our TV screen, we take special interest. If you’re looking to stream some non-food TV that happens to be — at least tangentially — about food this weekend, here’s what we recommend.

Terrace House: Tokyo, Episode 11 (available to stream on Netflix)

Terrace House, the Japanese version of The Real World, has had a long history of food-related misdemeanors and crimes, but the most recent one entails broccoli, pasta water, and egg. Ruka, one of the housemates of the Tokyo house, is a complete enigma of a human being and maybe the most naive person to ever grace Terrace House (or the world?). In an attempt to cook broccoli pasta carbonara, he cracks an egg into the pasta water with the pasta, then adds broccoli. It seems he read the ingredient list, skipped the instructions, and simply winged it. Nothing matters, you know?!

In Netflix’s latest batch of episodes (Netflix US runs a couple of months behind Japan), Ruka attempts broccoli pasta carbonara again. I gasped when I saw he was making pasta FROM SCRATCH and squealed when he presented something that not only looked edible, but delicious! His housemates were (understandably) pleasantly shocked and I got very emotional. It’s rare when you see such dramatic growth. I imagine this is what parents feel when they see their children walk for the first time. — Pelin Keskin, Eater associate producer

Community (available to stream on Hulu and Netflix)

In 2009, when Community first aired, I was actually taking classes at a community college. Yet, somehow I’ve made it this long without watching this series created by Dan Harmon and featuring some of the current era’s most memorable actors (See: Donald Glover, Alison Brie, Gillian Jacobs, and Ken Jeong). The first season hinges on narcissistic student Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) starting classes at a Greendale Community College, where he’s pursuing his bachelor’s degree in an attempt to reclaim his suspended law license. Winger joins a Spanish 101 study group (remember when people still gathered in groups?) to incessantly hit on Britta Perry (played by Jacobs). But as the show evolves, episodes become more unhinged, playing into pop culture tropes observed by TV and movie obsessed student Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi). After a while, it becomes easier to view this show as sort of a live-action version of Harmon’s later work Rick and Morty, but with a slightly less noxious fandom attached. This is particularly encapsulated in episodes like Season 2’s “Epidemiology,” in which the whole student body is transformed into zombies after eating expired military rations. Season 2 also features an excellent example of weird TV sponcon in “Basic Rocket Science,” where the study group gets trapped inside a Kentucky Fried Chicken-branded space flight simulator. — Brenna Houck, Eater.com reporter and Eater Detroit editor

Killing Eve (Season 3, Episode 1, available to stream on BBC America)

Killing Eve, a BBC show that for two seasons has been about feminism, fucking, and fighting, has added a fourth “f” to its roster: food. When we reunite with the show’s titular “Eve” (Sandra Oh), we watch her shopping the aisles of an Asian grocery, grabbing ramen cups and snacks from shelves that seem preposterously well-stocked to my pandemic-warped eyes. The multitudes the store holds are intoxicating. We then discover that since we last saw her — left for dead by Villanelle (Jodie Comer), an assassin with whom she is/was mutually obsessed — Eve��s fled her job at MI5 for a gig as a dumpling chef at an Asian restaurant, a perfect place, perhaps, for an Asian American woman to make herself invisible in a city like London. As audience members, we get to watch her deftly pinch pot sticker after pot sticker as she eavesdrops on her relationship-impaired colleagues (once a spy, always a spy, perhaps), a rote activity that probably has a lot more in common with tradecraft than most espionage-based thrillers would have us believe. It’s a nice job for a perfectionist like Eve, one that’ll do well enough until (one assumes) Villanelle returns to her life and again throws it into chaos. — Eve Batey, senior editor, Eater SF

Difficult People (Season 1, Episode 5, available on Hulu)

Much of this criminally short-lived sitcom starring comedians Billy Eichner (Billy on the Street) and Julie Klausner takes place in a restaurant where a struggling-artist version of Billy works to pay the bills. But this episode stands out for its art-imitating-life plot: Julie, who has “the palate of a seven-year-old” stops by Billy’s place of employment to eat, but finds the menu too fancy for her liking (“everything on [the] menu has some kind of chutney or jus on it,” Julie complains).

So, when Billy’s boss leaves town for a few days, the duo convert the restaurant into a pop-up named the Children’s Menu, serving items that would belong on a kids’ menu someplace like Applebee’s. The pair set about marking up chicken tenders and fish sticks and peddling it to food blogs. And because Difficult People is set in New York, home to many people with poor taste but lots of money, crowds lap it up. It’s a fun skewering of a side of the food world that values creatively bankrupt novelty above all else. Looking at you, “cereal bars” and Museum of Ice Cream. — Tim Forster, editor, Eater Montreal

Lodge 49 (available to purchase on Amazon Prime)

I‘m not surprised Lodge 49 was cancelled after two seasons on AMC last fall; I’m delighted it aired at all. This shaggy dog show stars Wyatt Russell (the waggish spawn of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell) as Dud, an adrift surfer in recession-hit Long Beach, who finds connection through a fraternal lodge along the lines of the Freemasons. Meanwhile his sister Liz (Sonya Cassidy) works at a shitty Hooters knockoff called Shamroxx, run by a ghoulish regional corporate conglomerate, Omni Capital. These days, I’m reminded of Liz’s Season 2 story arc: She’s made manager of Omni’s replacement for Shamroxx, a stupid new steakhouse concept called Higher Steaks. When the restaurant struggles, the way Liz sticks up for her colleagues, who are some of the show’s best minor characters, is an inspiring rebuke of winner-takes-all capitalism — no surprise, as the whole show is basically a socialist document. Ironically it’s not streaming for free, but Lodge 49 is special and well worth buying to watch. — Caleb Pershan, Eater.com reporter

Frasier, Season 1, Episode 3 (available to stream on Hulu)

I know I’m incredibly late getting into Fraiser (most of my coworkers are obsessed with it), but it’s been about a week now and I’m already halfway through the second season. I can’t get enough of it. While Frasier’s advice to his listeners can be a little “meh,” it’s absolutely delightful to watch the main characters give each other therapy through their conversations. And watching each episode unfold feels like much needed therapy right now.

I could go on and on about all the episodes I love, but “Dinner at Eight” is my absolute favorite. Frasier (Kelsey Grammer) and his brother Niles (David Hyde Pierce) decide to take their father Martin (John Mahoney) out to dinner as a way to spend more quality time with him. When the restaurant loses their reservation, they decide to visit a steakhouse at Martin’s suggestion. His pitch: “You can get a steak this thick for $8.95.”

The Timber Mill is nothing like the trendy, pretentious restaurants Frasier and Niles frequent and the duration of the entire meal is a culinary culture clash. For example, when the beef trolley arrives and everyone at the table has to pick their cut of steak, Frasier asks, “How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?”

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch Martin get more and more aggravated as Frasier and Niles make ridiculously elaborate orders (a petite filet mignon “very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate”), poke fun at the restaurant, and give the servers a hard time. That’s why it’s so satisfying to watch Martin skewer Frasier and Niles for their snobbery, leaving them to eat the rest of their dinner alone under the scornful eyes of the Timber Mill’s servers as “Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs” plays in the background. — Esra Erol, senior social media manager, Eater

Real Housewives of New York, Season 8, Episodes 6 & 7

In times of uncertainty, we seek comfort in consistency: The sun will rise in the east, the tides will ebb and flow, and rich women will scream at each other for our enjoyment on Bravo. Recently, I’ve been rewatching old episodes of Real Housewives of New York and am currently in the midst of its landmark eighth season (“Please don’t let it be about Tom.” “It’s about Tom”). Practically every episode is a hit, but “Tipsying Point” and “Air Your Dirty Laundry” conveniently double as a lesson in the booze business. When jack of all trades/master of none Sonja Morgan announces that she’s releasing a signature prosecco called Tipsy Girl, she faces the wrath of Bethenny Frankel, founder of the Skinny Girl brand. As even the most casual Housewives watcher will tell you, Bethenny is famously protective of her business and turns vicious at any perceived attack on it. “I thought the alcohol was a great idea. I really looked up to what you did and I thought it would be a great way for me to get ahead,” Sonja blubbers to Bethenny in her Skinny Girl brand-blazoned office. It’s because of this episode, and this fight in particular, that I know what a “cheater brand” is.

By the way, I’ve tried Tipsy Girl prosecco and it’s... not the worst wine I’ve had. — Madeleine Davies, Eater.com daily editor

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3eoMvVY https://ift.tt/2xDhUn5

Actor Sandra Oh, wearing a black chef beanie and a white t-shirt, talks on an iPhone outside a restaurant kitchen. | BBC America

“Killing Eve,” reality TV favorites, classic sitcoms, and more

We at Eater spend a lot of time thinking about food, so when it appears on our TV screen, we take special interest. If you’re looking to stream some non-food TV that happens to be — at least tangentially — about food this weekend, here’s what we recommend.

Terrace House: Tokyo, Episode 11 (available to stream on Netflix)

Terrace House, the Japanese version of The Real World, has had a long history of food-related misdemeanors and crimes, but the most recent one entails broccoli, pasta water, and egg. Ruka, one of the housemates of the Tokyo house, is a complete enigma of a human being and maybe the most naive person to ever grace Terrace House (or the world?). In an attempt to cook broccoli pasta carbonara, he cracks an egg into the pasta water with the pasta, then adds broccoli. It seems he read the ingredient list, skipped the instructions, and simply winged it. Nothing matters, you know?!

In Netflix’s latest batch of episodes (Netflix US runs a couple of months behind Japan), Ruka attempts broccoli pasta carbonara again. I gasped when I saw he was making pasta FROM SCRATCH and squealed when he presented something that not only looked edible, but delicious! His housemates were (understandably) pleasantly shocked and I got very emotional. It’s rare when you see such dramatic growth. I imagine this is what parents feel when they see their children walk for the first time. — Pelin Keskin, Eater associate producer

Community (available to stream on Hulu and Netflix)

In 2009, when Community first aired, I was actually taking classes at a community college. Yet, somehow I’ve made it this long without watching this series created by Dan Harmon and featuring some of the current era’s most memorable actors (See: Donald Glover, Alison Brie, Gillian Jacobs, and Ken Jeong). The first season hinges on narcissistic student Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) starting classes at a Greendale Community College, where he’s pursuing his bachelor’s degree in an attempt to reclaim his suspended law license. Winger joins a Spanish 101 study group (remember when people still gathered in groups?) to incessantly hit on Britta Perry (played by Jacobs). But as the show evolves, episodes become more unhinged, playing into pop culture tropes observed by TV and movie obsessed student Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi). After a while, it becomes easier to view this show as sort of a live-action version of Harmon’s later work Rick and Morty, but with a slightly less noxious fandom attached. This is particularly encapsulated in episodes like Season 2’s “Epidemiology,” in which the whole student body is transformed into zombies after eating expired military rations. Season 2 also features an excellent example of weird TV sponcon in “Basic Rocket Science,” where the study group gets trapped inside a Kentucky Fried Chicken-branded space flight simulator. — Brenna Houck, Eater.com reporter and Eater Detroit editor

Killing Eve (Season 3, Episode 1, available to stream on BBC America)

Killing Eve, a BBC show that for two seasons has been about feminism, fucking, and fighting, has added a fourth “f” to its roster: food. When we reunite with the show’s titular “Eve” (Sandra Oh), we watch her shopping the aisles of an Asian grocery, grabbing ramen cups and snacks from shelves that seem preposterously well-stocked to my pandemic-warped eyes. The multitudes the store holds are intoxicating. We then discover that since we last saw her — left for dead by Villanelle (Jodie Comer), an assassin with whom she is/was mutually obsessed — Eve’s fled her job at MI5 for a gig as a dumpling chef at an Asian restaurant, a perfect place, perhaps, for an Asian American woman to make herself invisible in a city like London. As audience members, we get to watch her deftly pinch pot sticker after pot sticker as she eavesdrops on her relationship-impaired colleagues (once a spy, always a spy, perhaps), a rote activity that probably has a lot more in common with tradecraft than most espionage-based thrillers would have us believe. It’s a nice job for a perfectionist like Eve, one that’ll do well enough until (one assumes) Villanelle returns to her life and again throws it into chaos. — Eve Batey, senior editor, Eater SF

Difficult People (Season 1, Episode 5, available on Hulu)

Much of this criminally short-lived sitcom starring comedians Billy Eichner (Billy on the Street) and Julie Klausner takes place in a restaurant where a struggling-artist version of Billy works to pay the bills. But this episode stands out for its art-imitating-life plot: Julie, who has “the palate of a seven-year-old” stops by Billy’s place of employment to eat, but finds the menu too fancy for her liking (“everything on [the] menu has some kind of chutney or jus on it,” Julie complains).

So, when Billy’s boss leaves town for a few days, the duo convert the restaurant into a pop-up named the Children’s Menu, serving items that would belong on a kids’ menu someplace like Applebee’s. The pair set about marking up chicken tenders and fish sticks and peddling it to food blogs. And because Difficult People is set in New York, home to many people with poor taste but lots of money, crowds lap it up. It’s a fun skewering of a side of the food world that values creatively bankrupt novelty above all else. Looking at you, “cereal bars” and Museum of Ice Cream. — Tim Forster, editor, Eater Montreal

Lodge 49 (available to purchase on Amazon Prime)

I‘m not surprised Lodge 49 was cancelled after two seasons on AMC last fall; I’m delighted it aired at all. This shaggy dog show stars Wyatt Russell (the waggish spawn of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell) as Dud, an adrift surfer in recession-hit Long Beach, who finds connection through a fraternal lodge along the lines of the Freemasons. Meanwhile his sister Liz (Sonya Cassidy) works at a shitty Hooters knockoff called Shamroxx, run by a ghoulish regional corporate conglomerate, Omni Capital. These days, I’m reminded of Liz’s Season 2 story arc: She’s made manager of Omni’s replacement for Shamroxx, a stupid new steakhouse concept called Higher Steaks. When the restaurant struggles, the way Liz sticks up for her colleagues, who are some of the show’s best minor characters, is an inspiring rebuke of winner-takes-all capitalism — no surprise, as the whole show is basically a socialist document. Ironically it’s not streaming for free, but Lodge 49 is special and well worth buying to watch. — Caleb Pershan, Eater.com reporter

Frasier, Season 1, Episode 3 (available to stream on Hulu)

I know I’m incredibly late getting into Fraiser (most of my coworkers are obsessed with it), but it’s been about a week now and I’m already halfway through the second season. I can’t get enough of it. While Frasier’s advice to his listeners can be a little “meh,” it’s absolutely delightful to watch the main characters give each other therapy through their conversations. And watching each episode unfold feels like much needed therapy right now.

I could go on and on about all the episodes I love, but “Dinner at Eight” is my absolute favorite. Frasier (Kelsey Grammer) and his brother Niles (David Hyde Pierce) decide to take their father Martin (John Mahoney) out to dinner as a way to spend more quality time with him. When the restaurant loses their reservation, they decide to visit a steakhouse at Martin’s suggestion. His pitch: “You can get a steak this thick for $8.95.”

The Timber Mill is nothing like the trendy, pretentious restaurants Frasier and Niles frequent and the duration of the entire meal is a culinary culture clash. For example, when the beef trolley arrives and everyone at the table has to pick their cut of steak, Frasier asks, “How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?”

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch Martin get more and more aggravated as Frasier and Niles make ridiculously elaborate orders (a petite filet mignon “very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate”), poke fun at the restaurant, and give the servers a hard time. That’s why it’s so satisfying to watch Martin skewer Frasier and Niles for their snobbery, leaving them to eat the rest of their dinner alone under the scornful eyes of the Timber Mill’s servers as “Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs” plays in the background. — Esra Erol, senior social media manager, Eater

Real Housewives of New York, Season 8, Episodes 6 & 7

In times of uncertainty, we seek comfort in consistency: The sun will rise in the east, the tides will ebb and flow, and rich women will scream at each other for our enjoyment on Bravo. Recently, I’ve been rewatching old episodes of Real Housewives of New York and am currently in the midst of its landmark eighth season (“Please don’t let it be about Tom.” “It’s about Tom”). Practically every episode is a hit, but “Tipsying Point” and “Air Your Dirty Laundry” conveniently double as a lesson in the booze business. When jack of all trades/master of none Sonja Morgan announces that she’s releasing a signature prosecco called Tipsy Girl, she faces the wrath of Bethenny Frankel, founder of the Skinny Girl brand. As even the most casual Housewives watcher will tell you, Bethenny is famously protective of her business and turns vicious at any perceived attack on it. “I thought the alcohol was a great idea. I really looked up to what you did and I thought it would be a great way for me to get ahead,” Sonja blubbers to Bethenny in her Skinny Girl brand-blazoned office. It’s because of this episode, and this fight in particular, that I know what a “cheater brand” is.

By the way, I’ve tried Tipsy Girl prosecco and it’s... not the worst wine I’ve had. — Madeleine Davies, Eater.com daily editor

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[autowrite]

Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to  play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af.  I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3 

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much  pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea.  Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4 

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at  all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she  will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t.  I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6 

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed,  it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it,  have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9 

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside,  but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to  make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good

[winches-ter]

Dagger (part 2)

AU: Mafia

POV: Reader

Rating: PG-13 (For the violence and occasional language)

Pairings: A wee bit of Reader X Seungri, and that subtle GDYB.

Summary: As the sister of the leader of the most dangerous gang in Seoul, you’ve done a pretty amazing job at maintaining a low profile, and not letting anyone know what family you belong to. Your life is normal, despite your brother’s intimidating, yet respected, image. But what the people don’t know, is that you’re Big Bang’s secret weapon, their Trump Card.

Part 1 | Part 2 |  Part 3 | Part 4(end)

“It was about you. He thinks this is too dangerous for you. He asked me to tell you to quit.”

Someone hit me with a bag full of bricks.

No, I thought, that would hurt less.

If I had been told Jiyong and Youngbae were about to get married, adopt three children and name them after different types of pasta, that would be more believable. “I have been with you people since before I could even say my own name. It’s where I belong, oppa. I don’t do anything else. I don’t want to do anything else.” I said, coming to a standstill.

“You need to understand, y/n, none of us wanted this life thrust upon you. All we want to do is keep you safe. And what we do, it is as far from safe as is possible to be. If anything were to happen to you, do you think I would be able to live with myself, knowing that it was all because of me? That it was my fault I could not protect my own baby sister? Even after I was warned so many times, even when I almost saw you die today?”

I could understand. I did understand. But he had to understand I had a choice too. For eighteen years this man had worked tooth and nail, not being able to afford three square meals for himself, but making sure I never went to bed hungry. I was his responsibility. And now that I could, I wanted to repay him. Even if it was with my life. I wanted to watch his back, make sure he returned home every night, and bury anyone who dared to ruin what he created with his blood and sweat.

“Do I not get a say in my own life then? I need to make decisions on my own now. I’m not your six year old in pigtails anymore. Why can’t you see that?” I really did not mean to yell, or sound ungrateful, but that, somehow, was how things turned out.

“I suppose I should. I’m sorry for trying to do the right thing. I’m sorry for trying to protect you.” The pain in his eyes killed me over and over again. He just walked on, without a word, crestfallen.

I wanted to go after him, but something held me back. It took some time to register it was not my feelings, but was indeed a person, holding my arm.

“What the hell? Let go of me.”

The person, who was being referred to as ‘perv’ inside my head, showed no intentions of doing that.

“Right. Now. While I’m still asking nicely.”

“Well I’ll treat you right, love.” He sounded positively drunk. His breath only confirmed the same. “Don’t bother running after that coward of a man anymore, who doesn’t even know what he’s leaving behind. I know what girls like you want. And I’ll make sure you get what you des-” He was cut off by a punch landing square on his nose, causing blood to drip down.

Pulling me behind him, Jiyong growled, “If you so much as breathe within a thousand miles of my sister again, I will slice you into so many pieces, they will have a lot of trouble burying your useless ass.”

“Think you’re so tough, huh?” The guy said, wiping the last of blood from his face, visibly offended. “Hey guys, I think we need to teach this stiff douchebag and his little bitch here some really solid lessons.”

“I’m going to do you a favour and tell you to back the fuck off before you and your peasants have to be scraped off the floor in the aftermath.”

“You son of a bitch-” He cursed and tried to punch Jiyong, who stealthily dodged it, caught a hold of the guy’s hand, stretched it out, so they looked more like a couple doing salsa than two extremely angsty dudes fighting for dominance, and used his elbow to hit the back of the perv’s head repeatedly.

Meanwhile two men, presumably the ‘guys’ ganged up on me, as I backed away from Jiyong. “Well this is hardly fair gentlemen.” I said, sarcastically. “An exhausted girl who is not in the mood for your bullshit, versus two scrawny rodents hell-bent upon making her loose her temper. The odds seem a bit off to me.”

“Shut up, bitch. You’re only making it more difficult for you.” One of them said as both the men lunged at me at the same time.

Ducking out from their reach, I grabbed both their wrists in the process, and exactly as Daesung had taught, turned suddenly, jerking their arms, then folded them against their backs, inviting gasps of pains from both.

“I told you, I’m not in the mood for your bullshit” I say as I kick the first one from behind, then the next making them fall on their knees. Before they had the time to comprehend what their free hands were going to do, I elbowed one of them from the back, with enough force to knock him unconscious, strong enough to send jitters up my arm, and then kicked the other one to the floor and again knocked the living daylights out of him; with the heel of my foot, gently caressing his face.

When I turned around Jiyong was already done with the guy who was bundled up on the ground still mumbling curses at both of us. He still looked extremely hurt from our argument earlier, and something in me broke.

“I’m sorry.” I blurted out, as tears began to well up in my eyes. “All you’ve ever done is risk your own life to keep me safe, and I am so, so grateful for that. I wanted to be with you guys, not for adrenaline kicks to fulfill my wild teenage fantasies of punching assholes into the sunset, but so I could maybe try to do the same for you, as you have done for me. Watch your back, make sure you don’t die doing something stupid like taunting people with grenade launchers aimed at you, maybe also make sure you came back every day. Take care of you, in the only way that I know.”

Jiyong simply walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my whimpering body. In an instant I did the same, as if clinging onto him for dear life. As my head rested on his shoulder, his hands gently played with my hair. There was a comfortable silence, interrupted only when we heard one of the guys that I had knocked down slowly come to his senses. We ran then. Not because we couldn’t take them in a fight again, hell, we would still emerge victorious if they called in multiple reinforcements. But, because none of us wanted to ruin the effects of the moment that had just passed.

As we came to a stop in front of our house, out of breath and pumped on adrenaline, one of the guards opened the door before we even reached in and both of us bowed to thank him. I was about to make my way up the stairs when Jiyong half whispered half yelled, “Y/n, I’m so sorry.” Puzzled, I turned around to see him; he looked like he had committed the most heinous crime in the history of heinous crimes, and was severely regretting it. “What’s wrong? Why do you look like that?”

“I shouldn’t have left you alone like that. That filthy guy and his minions could’ve done anything to you, and again, it would have been my fault. I’m so so sorry, y/n, I promise, I’ll never leave you alone like that again. Never.”

It was my turn to initiate The Hug, and so I did.

“It was mostly my fault, you know. I should have caught up to you. If not that, then at least I should have been the one to punch his nose off his face. I should’ve done something, but I dint. Let’s call it even.”

“You know,” He said, tightening his hold on me, “When I say ‘never’ I also mean the times when I’m out kicking ass. I’m not letting you out of my sight again.”

“So, I’m not being shoved out of your super cool ninja clan then, G Dragon-sama?”

He just laughed and breathed a light no somewhere in between. “Now go to bed, Naruto, you have school tomorrow.”

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

The next day Jiyong and Youngbae had a very heated discussion about me and what’s best for me and eventually, both of them decided it was best indeed, that I do stay with them, lest I shall be harmed in their prolonged periods of absence.

While they were in there, discussing my future, I was in the kitchen, making a very healthy double cheese chicken lasagna for my hungry self. As I was too busy drooling over the cheese that was bubbling in the oven, my surroundings became void and all that mattered anymore was the wall of time that stood between the food and my esophagus.

Out of nowhere, two fingers pressed down on either side of my waist, making me jump up in surprise. What was more embarrassing was the inhuman sound I made in the said process. Taking the first thing I found on the shelf I turned towards the attacker in a poise of self-defence.

“Whoa, y/n, you’re going to decapitate someone with that lethal spatula, girl.”

“Seungri? Dude, I would actually have decapitated you. Don’t sneak up on me like that. I have killer reflexes, you know.” I smirk.

“I’d love to put that to test someday. Let’s see, next weekend? My place?”

“Did you think that was smooth, Lee Seunghyun?”

“Is that a no?”

“Do you like lasagna?”

“What?”

“Yes. It’s a yes. Now, would you like to have lasagna? It’s almost done.” Talking about relationship stuff made me uncomfortable, and so, in the worst, most weird way that I could, I changed the topic.

“Some other time, princess. I need to go meet your brother first.”

“Cool. More for me then.” Princess? What?

“Watch the calories though.”

“Watch the calories though.” I mimic in a mocking tone as he smirks and walks away.

What a beautiful pain in the ass.

By the time the guys were done, it was evening already, and I did not realize that I had fallen asleep on the kitchen counter. Only managing to eat half the lasagna before my screwed up sleep schedule demanded to be acknowledged.

I woke up to the sound of Jiyong munching down the lasagna, sitting across from me on the counter.

“So Seungri asked you out?” He said, when he realized I had woken up.

“What? How do you know?”

“He called me this morning to ‘confess’ his weird feelings for you. He dint want to do it behind my back.”

“And you agreed?” I ask, visibly taken aback.

“Well, might as well. He knows what’s going to happen if he fucks it up.”

I snorted, and took a bite out of the lasagna as well.

“How did you make this?” He asked, making a disgusted face, “It tastes like damp socks.”

“It definitely does not. It’s better than what that good for nothing girlfriend of yours used to make.”

“Oh but she was good for something...” He says looking up at the ceiling, as if he was nostalgic. A smug smile on his face.

“You’re disgusting Kwon Jiyong.” I say, hitting his shoulder lightly. “Also, let me sleep. Go away.  Shoo. Do whatever deep dark stuff you do locked away in your deep dark room.”

“No, y/n, listen to me. This is important. It’s about that gang that’s after us.” He said, in a serious tone, which indicated we were down to business. “They’re called ‘death stroke’. Almost ten years ago, they were our biggest rivals, when dad’s company was about to go bankrupt and I had just ascended in his place. But, we beat him. After which they went underground. Now, I believe it was because they could not bear being defeated by a sexy eighteen year old, but according to Seunghyun hyung they were just ‘laying low’. Now that they believe it is us who screwed them over, their leader is blinded by revenge to extract vengeance from my majestic self. Even if we tell him it wasn’t us, he won’t believe it because, despite what TOP hyung says, he hates my guts. Now we’ve got to be careful, because who knows how many upgrades he has gone through over the years.”

“Upgrades? Oppa, this isn’t a video game villain.”

“Sister, he is called Midnight.”

“Ok first of all, I want that title. Second, why was this guy such a big rival of dad’s company?”

“Because apparently he had some beef with dad. He’s the reason the company fell in the first place.”

“Then let’s kill this bitch.”

Over the years, I always wanted to know why such a big company had reached such a low within almost no time. Who was the catalyst that favoured this downfall? I never asked my brother, because I was afraid he’d blame himself for it. But now that the son of a bitch had a face, and not to mention a cool ‘stage name’ that I required, I wanted nothing more than to paint his walls in deep, permanent red.

Over the course of the next few days, the guys all did their digging on this ‘Midnight’ and his ‘death stroke’, while I doodled in the back of my notebooks because whatever the teachers were saying in classes, was either never going to help me, or was just plain boring. As it is I was able to maintain good grades and an average image in class, so I could afford to doodle. I had earned the right to doodle. And so, I shamelessly doodled.

Fridays were the worst. Teachers gave extra homework, we had PE as the last period, and the instructor loathed my mere existence. Also, you never knew when the principle would come over and hand you more things to do, because of which, more often than not, we had to stay back after school hours.

This time, we were supposed to make paper cut outs for the first graders’ classrooms because they had a ‘Bring your mother to school’ day. I always hated these days, and anything to do with them.

“Never have I ever seen someone cut up golden stars with that much hatred in their eyes. You ok y/n?” My best friend asked me.

“Yeah well, when you have been personally victimized by your PE Instructor and then have a ‘decorate-a-classroom-for-mothers’ shoved in your face like a big ‘fuck you, you motherless git’, it sort of sucks the fun out of your peachy day.”

“Whoa slow down there sunshine. Here, have some chocolate.” She said, handing me a Hershey’s Kiss.

“Never leave me girl. What would I do without you?”

“Curl up in the fetal position and sob endlessly.” She said indifferently, as she pulled out a chocolate for her own self and ate it.

We finished the work sooner than I expected.

“A hundred starts and a double hundred chocolates later, the salty bitches finally emerge victorious!” I say, stretching my arms and got up.

“Speak for yourself, Cinderella. I happen to be a sweeter bitch.”

Both of us made out way out. Glad, the headache assigned to us was over. There were people in the class who looked at us with envy, and that made leaving even more satisfying.

We were out the school’s gate when it suddenly struck me, “Oh! I almost forgot, Seungri asked me out.”

“WHAT!! And I’m hearing about this NOW?! I feel betrayed. Did you find someone else to tell this to? *gasp* Are you CHEATING ON ME?”

“Calm down, you’re going to go into cardiac arrest. Who else would accept this eternal void of darkness except for you? I’ll tell you about it later, I want to go home right now, and sleep in a tub and hopefully drown in there for a couple of days.”

“Gimme a call when you come back from the dead, or if you die for good, ask Jiyong oppa to do it. We’ll support each other through the tough time. Then get married and name our firstborn after you.”

“Gross. Officially too gross. Oh the mental image. That’s it I’ve been scarred for life. I’m going to leave and pretend this never happened.” With that I turned, and walked away, already dreaming about essential oils soaking away all the torture I valiantly withstood today. And honestly, my body ached from head to toe, fingers about to spasm because of constant use of scissors, legs screaming out in protest, my eyes watering from the dire need for sleep. I was literally a wreck.

The sky was a dull yellow grey, clouds gradually blanketing all the blue and the setting sun not making any attempts to put up a fight either. There was a cool wind sweeping the streets, and weather like this meant a storm was on its way. A gentle breeze hit me, making me uneasy to the core. Ever since I was a little girl, I had noticed, on days like this, something always went wrong. And somewhere inside, that little girl wanted nothing more than to go cuddle up inside Jiyong’s blankets, because she was scared to be left alone.

Without second thoughts, I broke into a run as soon as I saw my house up ahead. I desperately wanted to get away from the rumbling clouds, slowly setting the stage for something more terrible to take over.

As soon I made it through the door, I took out my phone and called my brother.

“Hello?”

“Oppa?” I gasped, too tired to hide the nervousness in my voice, still breathless from the unnecessary running.

“Oppa where-” I was cut off as a large hand blocked my mouth. I wanted to retaliate, to protest, but my body refused to respond. Someone hit me on the back of my head, and I fell, barely conscious. I could feel hot blood drip down my head, as I made out a figure bending down to pick up my phone.

“G-Dragon, It’s been a while. I hope you haven’t forgotten me? Not that it matters right now. You see, I have something you want, and you have something I want. What do you say we discuss it over tea sometime? If not, then forget about seeing this little cheesecake again. I can’t say would mind that. I can imagine a few things I could do with her. When you make up your mind, call me on this number.”

If Jiyong argued, threatened or even yelled at the man, I couldn’t make out. I knew I had to do something to save myself, and I had to do it fast.

I tried to get up from the floor, but my arms betrayed me. And I fell with a thud that bounced off the walls and drew all the attention towards me.

“Knock that bitch out for the love of God. And put her in the car.”

The last thing I heard was Jiyong’s muffled cry, seethed with pain and anger, then it all went dark.

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Sense 8 Recap: “Obligate Mutualisms”

us

A lot of the titles this season are like WHAT. I had to look back at the episode a few times to make sure I was spelling it right and this coming from a Grammar Nazi. Truly, certified. Sieg Spellcheck!

I love that gif. I plan to use it as much as possible. I believe every Nazi should stop murderin’ and xenophobin’ to eat a banana every now and then.

Alrighty then--

--so we ended episode 1 with Will uttering his amazing (and, if you happen to be Whispers, pants-shitting) line--

“You think you’re hunting us? We’re coming for YOU.”

And Whispers himself also concluded the episode looking like someone had stuck some Milk of Magnesia in his coffee. 

Thus, allow us to get to this rather confusigly titled second offering of the season, shall we?

We open up in the interrogation room place. Whispers is there and he doesn’t look pleased. Like, at all. 

However, Will does. In fact, he’s even freshly shaven because he’s been sleeping so well, what with the lack of Whispers haunting his dreams. Will has come to gloat. And he looks like the cat that ate the canary.

And the sensates are all there as well, drinkin’ up. They’re celebrating; they owe it to themselves. All the while, Will is describing the *sad trombone* look on Whispers’ face. 

Will knows he totally has the upper hand here. He’s not at all threatened. And Whispers knows it too. He even tries to do the classic villain-is-fucked tactic by insinuating that he and Will aren’t so different after all.

Will, of course, is having none of it.

Whispers, in his desperation at being cornered, mentions something about how no “sapien” has ever had as much in common with him as Will does. What, does he wanna bro it out now? “A little senorium pride?” Will asks.

Gorski. Will Gorski. 

Will knows Croome is there, hiding behind the mirrored wall in the interrogation room. Just to show he means biznezz, he has Nomi, Neets, and Bug find out that he recently sent his aunt a large get well bouquet. Will tells Whispers to inform Croome he hopes his aunt feels better, which he does. Furthermore, they discover he sent another bouquet to a woman named Rita. His wife’s name is Claire. 

That has Croome bursting into the room, of course. He doesn’t want Claire to find out about Rita, you naughty boy. Will has demands. He wants a meeting with Croome. And sans Whispers/Milt/Matheson/Gibbons. 

Damn, Whispers has a lot of monikers. Why do evil dudes have so many damn names? Can’t they just go by Bob or something to make it easier for us recappers?

“Hi, I’m Bob and I’ll be capturing, killing, and turning you into a zombie today.”

Since Croome cannot see or hear Will, Whispers must play a game of psychic telephone and relay the info. Whispers claims what Will wants is impossible. Nomi fires off a text to Croome.

Complete with emojis.

I guess in this context it wouldn’t make sense. I mean, “We want Gibbons on poop” sounds weird. Hilarious but weird. 

Nomi fired off that text fast, man. IDK about y’all, but when I use emojis and “+” and stuff, I’m fumbling all thumbs.

Anyway, Croome agrees, telling Whispers that he exaggerated his necessity at BPO. Whispers-hype. Some of those creepy hazmat suit guys storm in, inject something into Whispers’ neck, and he’s carted out protesting. He’s gone but it’s only ep 2 so we know he’ll be back.

Meanwhile, our heroes are celebrating with some fun in the sun in Amsterdam. Yet, the lovely, shiny scene contrasts wildly with the realty Sun is in--trapped in a harsh women’s prison in Seoul for a crime she didn’t commit. Laying on the floor in her underwear smiling, her neighbor asks her if she’s dreaming about getting out. Since she cannot explain further without sounding insane, she says yes.

Everyone’s in a good mood after serving Whispers his ass, it seems, including Lito. He comes waltzing into his agency, all smiles, ready to tackle his next project after his last movie flopped. Unfortunately, there is bad news. Lito’s “people” tell him that the offer’s been rescinded due to the enacting of a so-called “morals clause”. 

Gawddang, are people really so iffy about homosexuality in Mexico? So he’s gay! Who cares? 

But now I think...would a renown action star here in the US who just came out of the closet face the same animosity? Maybe not to the extent Lito’s enduring, particularly now with the Diversity Revolution and the Woke Generation, but...yeah, I can see situations like this one arising. Quite a few of them.

In San Fran, Nomi is shaving her legs while Neets is doing her lashes and Nomi suggests a night out to “feel normal again” while in Seoul a bunch of guards burst in to the prisoner’s sleeping cell place and take Sun. She appears before Nomi, who is dressed to the nines to go out, and begs for help.

This ain’t good.

Yeah, apparently those guards aren’t even from that prison.

This is BAD, you guys.

So, instead of going out, the three hackateers break into the Seoul Women’s Correctional Facility’s computer system to get eyes on Sun. But right when she and the non-guards are about to enter this weird room, the camera goes dark. 

Nomi screams at her NOT to enter that damn room at all costs.’

I said this when I was live-tweeting (sorta, as you can’t really live-tweet binge-watching) this episode. Sun was a Potential Slayer activated when Willow did her scythe-y spell. 

But they taze her, and when they do, all of the Amazing 8 feel it. She’s escorted into this room where a noose waits to suffocate her to death and, in the ensuing scuffle, it briefly manages to do so, almost killing her as well as the rest of the sensates, until her friend from the cell, the one who killed her abusive husband, stabs one of the non-guards.

When Sun thanks her, she gets one of the best lines of the episode, explaining that when they took her, she saw the same look in their eyes as that in her bastard husband’s.

Sun replies, “No, they won’t.” You bet your ass.

Never underestimate the power of a pissed off woman.

With Will’s help, Sun easily frees herself of the handcuffs. And Bug’s gonna hack into the prison security system. He’s gonna make it sing “Born Free”.

I *really* wanted to use a GIF of the snakes from the “Whacking Day” Simpsons episode slithering off into the sunset here but I couldn’t find one that loaded correctly on tumblr *grumblegrumbletoilandtrouble* so this will have to suffice.

So Sun and her friend sneak out, Sun knocking out any guards along the way. The only vehicle in the lot is a bus, which makes Capheus giddy. I like Giddy!Capheus. Our resident criminal, Wolfie, steps in to hotwire the thing, and they’re off. 

At the intercom, Lito uses his acting abilities to help Sun get the fuck outta Dodge.

Lito is a good liar. I guess it’s a must for an actor. I admire that. I’m also a good liar. Thinking on your toes and all that. It’s gotten me out of more jams than I care to admit to. 

I really cannot believe there’s an intercom. Do all prisons have intercoms? It almost looks like a drive-thru. “Yes, I’ll have the #2 combo meal with the medium Coke. And an apple pie. Also, tell the warden I’ve got the Midtown Murderer in the trunk.”

It works. They’re free!

Too bad computers and hackers weren’t really a thing back then. 

My German Hottie Wolfie and Will point out that they’re only free in the very narrow sense. It won’t be long until the cops discover the breakout. Soon, barricades will be set up all over Seoul. Helicopters will be on their asses. 

I think it helps muchly that, inside this particular cluster, we have both a former cop and thief. Two perspectives on how to approach a situation like this. 

So they ditch the bus and go car “shopping” in a nearby lot. Again, with the help of Wolfgang, Sun breaks into some less obvious vehicle and the other lady--I keep forgetting her name--wonders aloud how the hell a banker’s daughter knows how to be a car thief. Sun answers “other lives”. 

While they’re all arguing over where the hell to go, Other Lady Whose Name I Forget tells Sun that she has a friend in the area, one she trusts with her dang life.

Cut to--

--and Felix. They’re just coming out of an elevator in some fancy-schmancy building in Berlin. They’re to sign some papers for club ownership. From one Sebastian Fuchs.

Yeah, I’m gonna gigglesnort every time I have to type up that surname, I’m sorry. In my head, I keep mispronouncing it FUCKS. 

Finding the correct “look at all the fucks I give” GIF--I originally had two others, but neither would load correctly so I literally have three GIFs saved on my laptop labeled “fucks″, “fucks2″, and “fucks3″.

I hope my brother doesn’t go sneaking on my computer searching for porn. He’ll be vastly disappointed. 

Sebastian invites them in, where he pauses his FAFSA game. He owns a couple players in the league, which, to me, sounds kinda...slave-y. He’s interested in talent, not teams, which is why he’s intrigued by Wolfgang. They have a beer, and he introduces his “extraordinary right hand”.

Meet the right hand:

Aaaaaaaaand Wolfie’s reaction to said right hand:

Look, the guy may be in love with Kala, but he’s still, you know, a *guy*. 

Sebastian introduces her as Lila Facchini, from Naples. Felix is obviously thunderstruck even further when he discovers her Italian heritage. The Germans and Italians were allies in WWII, but only because of Mussolini, and after Italy surrendered to the Allies, Italy was officially declared “conquered” by Germany. At least until they were pushed back outta there. So while there was HELLA resistance among the Italian peoples against the Germans during WWII, they couldn’t resist a purdy Italian lady. Nor could a purdy Italian lady resist a strong, hot German man in uniform. Not that I can blame her. I’m Jewish and I’d be like “Yeah, k, I surrender. Just kiss me already, Leutnant.” 

While everyone’s talking around the coffee table, Wolfie’s standing there looking all skeptical and suspicious when--gasp--Lila mind-flirts with him. She’s a sensate. 

And, I mean, she is really laying it on thick. Totally doesn’t believe in hard to get.

He’s looking down at her a cross between “Dafuq” and “I...did not see this meeting going this way and am quite intrigued.”

Wolfie sinks down into a chair, all hot and bothered, while Lila mind-gropes him. In *his* vision, though, to Felix, Wolfgang looks like he’s either about to sprout a massive Washington Monument or throw up.

Lila is totes fine.

We take a bit of a sidetrack to Nairobi to check in with Capheus. There/s a major water problem in the area. The price of fresh water keeps climbing. It’s a brief scene, so you know it will be important later.

Out on the terrace, Wolfie, Felix, Lila, and Sebastian are having dinner while Lila continues to mind-molest Wolfie. He does not seem to mind. They’re talking about business--money laundering and stuff--while Lila and Wolfgang basically have mind-sex in front of Felix and Sebastian and they have no idea. 

Checking in with Lito, Hernando, and Dani, our threesome are looking for a new place. Unfortunately, the place they like is twice their spending limit. But they can all fit in the tub! That means they have to buy it! It’s fate!

The universe’s sign that you must have something is when you can fit in it. Just ask a cat.

Next scene, Sun and Ming-Jun (THAT’S her name!) are covertly and not at all suspiciously sneaking into the friend’s apartment for the next few nights.

Will and Riley are going to meet Jonas at the train station...though they have no idea why Jonas would prefer to meet there of all places. Riley vows to keep an eye on Will while he meets Jonas on the bridge--and when they come in contact, Will realizes that Jonas is hooked up just like that Zombie Drake dude in his dreamemory was. Jonas is amazed that Will himself could come in contact with Whispers and live.

Oh yeah, he did more than that. Booya!

Whoa, okay, lots of info now. So he tells Will of his father giving birth--yes, his FATHER, somehow, which does nothing but remind me of Lorne’s mother from Angel--

Numfar! Do dance of joy!

(Sorry y’all. That cracks me up every time.)

Where was I? Oh yes. So apparently sensates can give birth at any gender. And at any age. That is why BPO is hunting them, the population growth. 

Additionally, Jonas and Angelica had a relationship and spawned a cluster of their own.

So two sensates need to make a cluster? What if only one’s a sensate? Will there be a half a cluster? Or a half a...person? A homo-sapsorium? 

Angelica makes all these babehs who grow up to be homo sensorium themselves but there’s one guy who doesn’t particularly like his fate. He’d rather be “normal”, whatever that means. In fact, he prays for BPO to find him.

His name is Todd. I think we’re starting to understand Angelica’s motives for partnering (and “partnering”) up with Whispers now.

One by one, every one of those babehs disappeared, the last being this dude Raoul from Mexico, a reporter. Lito figures right quick that Jonas is talking about Raoul Pasquale, who interviewed him once. 

He also “interviewed” him once.

Get it? Cus they hooked up!

More creepy hazmat suit guys come downstairs to visit Jonas and just before they shoot him up with meds, he tells Will that he needs to be wary of Croome, that he’s like a lizard or something.

Now we’re at the apartment of Ming-Jun’s friend. All three are eating truly delicious looking Korean food and I throw down my frozen corndog, glaring at it as if it did something wrong.

We learn she was in prison because her husband killed himself leaving behind a bunch of gambling debts, much like Rose’s father in Titanic. ‘Cept, there was no Leo waiting for her, just a bunch of “holidays” to Japan she had to take to smuggle drugs over the border. On the tenth trip, the cops were waiting for her. When she got out of the clink, her son had no idea who she was, and is still ashamed of his drug smuggling mother. 

Will is meeting Croome in Amsterdam’s Rijksmuseum. There, they sit in front of Rembrant’s The Night Watch. I know because I googled it. Yeah, I’m no art historian. I can name more facts and figures about the Second World War than a text book and know all the capitals of every US-recognized country in the world (thanks, Sporcle!), but art history is beyond me. I know Rembrandt cut off his ear for a chick, though. Dude, haven’t you ever heard of chocolates?

Croome gives some stupid Evil Guy But I’m On Your Side speech about Rembrandt and Mozart before delving into the real reason for this meeting. Croome has had a change of heart. He wants the world to see sensorium as actual people. Unfortunately not everyone at BPO agree with him. 

Croome asks Will what he knows about BPO. Nomi steps in to tell him about Ruth El-Sadaawi, who founded BPO in the sixties. She was brilliant. She wanted to bring homo sapiens and homo sensoriums together, etcetera, etcetera. Obligate mutualisms. The title of the episode.

Riley appears to add that this doesn’t sound like the same organization in Iceland.  

Really, Riley? Der.

9.11 changed all that, just like it changed the world. It made BPO suspicious of everyone, wary of terrorists and the like. It’s a plausible explanation and makes perfect sense. But, Croome continues, there is a contingent of those inside BPO’s walls who envision bringing the company back to its roots. What they need from Will and his cluster is time and trust.

Croome gives Will a vial of psi-blockers as a sort of bit of collateral. They’re what Whispers takes to block out all the...noise. But just as Will and Croome shake hands...

Whispers, like, Whoopi Goldberg-as-Patrick Swayzes some poor girl in the museum and straight up stabs Croome in the neck, killing him.

Well. That’s one way of getting back at your former boss. My ex-boyfriend just peed on his flower bed.

Following killing Croome against her will, she then slits her own throat.

Yay! 

I mean, yay because this was a good ep full of info. Not so much yay for Croome and this lady.

I said I’d have this recap out by Thursday and hey! It’s here with time to spare. Like forty minutes. THIS ONE TOOK FOREVER THERE WAS SO MUCH INFO. 

Seriously. I was on my butt all day cappin’ dis bitch. 

Will get to ep. 3 ASAP!

[easyfoodnetwork]

Actor Sandra Oh, wearing a black chef beanie and a white t-shirt, talks on an iPhone outside a restaurant kitchen. | BBC America “Killing Eve,” reality TV favorites, classic sitcoms, and more We at Eater spend a lot of time thinking about food, so when it appears on our TV screen, we take special interest. If you’re looking to stream some non-food TV that happens to be — at least tangentially — about food this weekend, here’s what we recommend. Terrace House: Tokyo, Episode 11 (available to stream on Netflix) Terrace House, the Japanese version of The Real World, has had a long history of food-related misdemeanors and crimes, but the most recent one entails broccoli, pasta water, and egg. Ruka, one of the housemates of the Tokyo house, is a complete enigma of a human being and maybe the most naive person to ever grace Terrace House (or the world?). In an attempt to cook broccoli pasta carbonara, he cracks an egg into the pasta water with the pasta, then adds broccoli. It seems he read the ingredient list, skipped the instructions, and simply winged it. Nothing matters, you know?! In Netflix’s latest batch of episodes (Netflix US runs a couple of months behind Japan), Ruka attempts broccoli pasta carbonara again. I gasped when I saw he was making pasta FROM SCRATCH and squealed when he presented something that not only looked edible, but delicious! His housemates were (understandably) pleasantly shocked and I got very emotional. It’s rare when you see such dramatic growth. I imagine this is what parents feel when they see their children walk for the first time. — Pelin Keskin, Eater associate producer Community (available to stream on Hulu and Netflix) In 2009, when Community first aired, I was actually taking classes at a community college. Yet, somehow I’ve made it this long without watching this series created by Dan Harmon and featuring some of the current era’s most memorable actors (See: Donald Glover, Alison Brie, Gillian Jacobs, and Ken Jeong). The first season hinges on narcissistic student Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) starting classes at a Greendale Community College, where he’s pursuing his bachelor’s degree in an attempt to reclaim his suspended law license. Winger joins a Spanish 101 study group (remember when people still gathered in groups?) to incessantly hit on Britta Perry (played by Jacobs). But as the show evolves, episodes become more unhinged, playing into pop culture tropes observed by TV and movie obsessed student Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi). After a while, it becomes easier to view this show as sort of a live-action version of Harmon’s later work Rick and Morty, but with a slightly less noxious fandom attached. This is particularly encapsulated in episodes like Season 2’s “Epidemiology,” in which the whole student body is transformed into zombies after eating expired military rations. Season 2 also features an excellent example of weird TV sponcon in “Basic Rocket Science,” where the study group gets trapped inside a Kentucky Fried Chicken-branded space flight simulator. — Brenna Houck, Eater.com reporter and Eater Detroit editor Killing Eve (Season 3, Episode 1, available to stream on BBC America) Killing Eve, a BBC show that for two seasons has been about feminism, fucking, and fighting, has added a fourth “f” to its roster: food. When we reunite with the show’s titular “Eve” (Sandra Oh), we watch her shopping the aisles of an Asian grocery, grabbing ramen cups and snacks from shelves that seem preposterously well-stocked to my pandemic-warped eyes. The multitudes the store holds are intoxicating. We then discover that since we last saw her — left for dead by Villanelle (Jodie Comer), an assassin with whom she is/was mutually obsessed — Eve’s fled her job at MI5 for a gig as a dumpling chef at an Asian restaurant, a perfect place, perhaps, for an Asian American woman to make herself invisible in a city like London. As audience members, we get to watch her deftly pinch pot sticker after pot sticker as she eavesdrops on her relationship-impaired colleagues (once a spy, always a spy, perhaps), a rote activity that probably has a lot more in common with tradecraft than most espionage-based thrillers would have us believe. It’s a nice job for a perfectionist like Eve, one that’ll do well enough until (one assumes) Villanelle returns to her life and again throws it into chaos. — Eve Batey, senior editor, Eater SF Difficult People (Season 1, Episode 5, available on Hulu) Much of this criminally short-lived sitcom starring comedians Billy Eichner (Billy on the Street) and Julie Klausner takes place in a restaurant where a struggling-artist version of Billy works to pay the bills. But this episode stands out for its art-imitating-life plot: Julie, who has “the palate of a seven-year-old” stops by Billy’s place of employment to eat, but finds the menu too fancy for her liking (“everything on [the] menu has some kind of chutney or jus on it,” Julie complains). So, when Billy’s boss leaves town for a few days, the duo convert the restaurant into a pop-up named the Children’s Menu, serving items that would belong on a kids’ menu someplace like Applebee’s. The pair set about marking up chicken tenders and fish sticks and peddling it to food blogs. And because Difficult People is set in New York, home to many people with poor taste but lots of money, crowds lap it up. It’s a fun skewering of a side of the food world that values creatively bankrupt novelty above all else. Looking at you, “cereal bars” and Museum of Ice Cream. — Tim Forster, editor, Eater Montreal Lodge 49 (available to purchase on Amazon Prime) I‘m not surprised Lodge 49 was cancelled after two seasons on AMC last fall; I’m delighted it aired at all. This shaggy dog show stars Wyatt Russell (the waggish spawn of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell) as Dud, an adrift surfer in recession-hit Long Beach, who finds connection through a fraternal lodge along the lines of the Freemasons. Meanwhile his sister Liz (Sonya Cassidy) works at a shitty Hooters knockoff called Shamroxx, run by a ghoulish regional corporate conglomerate, Omni Capital. These days, I’m reminded of Liz’s Season 2 story arc: She’s made manager of Omni’s replacement for Shamroxx, a stupid new steakhouse concept called Higher Steaks. When the restaurant struggles, the way Liz sticks up for her colleagues, who are some of the show’s best minor characters, is an inspiring rebuke of winner-takes-all capitalism — no surprise, as the whole show is basically a socialist document. Ironically it’s not streaming for free, but Lodge 49 is special and well worth buying to watch. — Caleb Pershan, Eater.com reporter Frasier, Season 1, Episode 3 (available to stream on Hulu) I know I’m incredibly late getting into Fraiser (most of my coworkers are obsessed with it), but it’s been about a week now and I’m already halfway through the second season. I can’t get enough of it. While Frasier’s advice to his listeners can be a little “meh,” it’s absolutely delightful to watch the main characters give each other therapy through their conversations. And watching each episode unfold feels like much needed therapy right now. I could go on and on about all the episodes I love, but “Dinner at Eight” is my absolute favorite. Frasier (Kelsey Grammer) and his brother Niles (David Hyde Pierce) decide to take their father Martin (John Mahoney) out to dinner as a way to spend more quality time with him. When the restaurant loses their reservation, they decide to visit a steakhouse at Martin’s suggestion. His pitch: “You can get a steak this thick for $8.95.” The Timber Mill is nothing like the trendy, pretentious restaurants Frasier and Niles frequent and the duration of the entire meal is a culinary culture clash. For example, when the beef trolley arrives and everyone at the table has to pick their cut of steak, Frasier asks, “How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?” It’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch Martin get more and more aggravated as Frasier and Niles make ridiculously elaborate orders (a petite filet mignon “very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate”), poke fun at the restaurant, and give the servers a hard time. That’s why it’s so satisfying to watch Martin skewer Frasier and Niles for their snobbery, leaving them to eat the rest of their dinner alone under the scornful eyes of the Timber Mill’s servers as “Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs” plays in the background. — Esra Erol, senior social media manager, Eater Real Housewives of New York, Season 8, Episodes 6 & 7 In times of uncertainty, we seek comfort in consistency: The sun will rise in the east, the tides will ebb and flow, and rich women will scream at each other for our enjoyment on Bravo. Recently, I’ve been rewatching old episodes of Real Housewives of New York and am currently in the midst of its landmark eighth season (“Please don’t let it be about Tom.” “It’s about Tom”). Practically every episode is a hit, but “Tipsying Point” and “Air Your Dirty Laundry” conveniently double as a lesson in the booze business. When jack of all trades/master of none Sonja Morgan announces that she’s releasing a signature prosecco called Tipsy Girl, she faces the wrath of Bethenny Frankel, founder of the Skinny Girl brand. As even the most casual Housewives watcher will tell you, Bethenny is famously protective of her business and turns vicious at any perceived attack on it. “I thought the alcohol was a great idea. I really looked up to what you did and I thought it would be a great way for me to get ahead,” Sonja blubbers to Bethenny in her Skinny Girl brand-blazoned office. It’s because of this episode, and this fight in particular, that I know what a “cheater brand” is. By the way, I’ve tried Tipsy Girl prosecco and it’s... not the worst wine I’ve had. — Madeleine Davies, Eater.com daily editor from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3eoMvVY

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