#meanwhile edward just wants this shit to end so they can leave

[roberrtphilip]

There's an awkward "first date" silence between them, the kind that suggests there isn't going to be a "second". Giselle tries her best to keep the conversation going.

[deeptrashwitch]

A Haunting Past (pt.3)

Tw mention of extorsion, allusion and mention of torture, metion of PTSD, (I'm not sure I wrote it accurately, my apologies in advance for any mistake) mention of a panic attack.

She was basically running through the base, without even think about the fact she wasn't in Black Tomb nor the damage to her reputation, she just had in mind one thing. Go and save Elías, go amd avoid him to have the same destiny as her. But while the call tried to connect with three tones, someone snatched her phone from her hand.

When she turned around, ready to fight for the phone, Edward stared back at her. He hung the call as he holded her gaze, without any expression but tense and ready to fight if it was needed. And when she gave a step foward, the pilot gave a step back, this time putting away the phone.

"Give it back" she demanded with a frown

"No can do, you were about to do something stupid" he answered with a neutral voice "and if you even think to fight me for this, then be sure I'll smash it before smacking some sense into you"

"Is that a threat?"

"We both know I would loose my time if it was, can you fucking react once and for all?"

"Excuse me?"

"You were trying to do a deal with Golden Empress, are you crazy?!"

"I have no option"

"You do! Damnit Alicia, I just ask you not to sell your fucking soul to that woman!"

"Edward, hear me out..." she growled, just to be interrupted

"Hell no! You aren't thinking straight, so YOU hear me out!" he snarled, surprising Alicia "think about it! Even if Xiao Chen agrees, since when she does something for free?! What will she ask you in exchange?! Are you willing to pay?!"

"I will-"

"No, you won't! Stop saying stupid shit! She's way more ruthless than you! She won't ask for money and you know it!"

Alicia frowned again, but stopped for a second, with the fear fog clearing for a moment, sending a chill down her spine. He was right, Xiao Chen wasn't someone to give without taking, and if she asked her for a favor so big...it wouldn't be good for her. She blinked in silence, but kept quiet, just thinking while he continued talking, well...scolding her.

"And think for a second about where we are! This isn't our base! What the brazilian authorities will say if they see you this unstable?! They won't take seriously Green Chameleon if you show them that you aren't in your right mind!" he shouted, grabbing her by the shoulders "do you want him to get away?!"

"I..."

"Edward is right" Noah commented, leaning against the wall, just watching everything "Cap, I don't know what happened and it isn't my place to ask. But please, think coldly about it, don't do anything you'll regret"

"Listen, whatever happened, we'll lead with it when we're back at home" Edward murmured, letting her go "but don't do this to yourself. Just...try to stay calm"

She nodded, but inside she was thinking that it would be more difficult to do. Anyway, she ordered to prepare the plane to go back as soon as possible, the time was running and she won't waste any second. Edward nodded before walking away with a sigh, meanwhile Noah said that he would tell the others to pack, leaving Alicia alone.

She started to walk again, now feeling unable to breathe correctly while her head started to spin. Soon she had to lock herself in a bathroom, leaning against the metal door and slowly slinding to the ground, sitting in the cold floor. Even if she tried to control it, the flashes attacked her without any mercy.

"Please no! NO!" Hope, no, Kate pleaded when she saw her being dragged outside of that dark cell "wait!"

They dragged her throught that aisle towards that room where the hell awaits, she wasn't even able to resist with all her wounds, she just prayed to anything to end the suffering. Once they were there, it was the same thing again, handcuff her and tie her to that metal chair before starting with the interrogatory. Every cut, every punch was harder than the latest, and it just broke her mind a bit more.

"You can stop it, Guardian, just say it all" the blurry face made her look up "only tell me what Orisha needs to know"

"Go...to...hell" she whispered with difficulty

"You really are irritating me, why can't you be useful?" the person said with a growl "I'll get rid of the useless crap then"

The knife was put over her cheek while the person hummed, and slowly the pressure over the sharp edge stung her face, and a little blood rolled down her cheek. And with a fluid movement the person slashed it down, just stopping when the cut reached the jaw and they smiled when she screamed in pain. Without another word he continued, cutting over her nose, her lips, her other cheek, and crossed another cut side to side.

Soon she was sobbing, but she didn't say anything, just stared down to the floor. But she tried to squirm away uselessly when she saw the syringe in their hand, and once the tip was pushed into the wounds...the scream echoed through the walls.

She snapped back to reality and had to stumble towards the toilet, dumping her stomach inside with trembling hands. Barely she could contain the sobs and the screams that were threatning to go out, but soon she started to sob as she felt dizzy and how her head just wasn't in its place. Alicia tried to stand up and go, but she gagged again while she felt an acute pain over the scarred wounds, and it started to tingle.

For a second she put her hand over the burn scar, feeling the temptation of scratching it as it started to burn again. Then the little whispers, that old voice, appeared on the back of her head, the pleas, the apologies and the sadness. She only went back to her senses when a sting pain on her neck brought her back, and she started to breath deeply with her eyes closed telling to herself that everything would be okay, opening them again when she didn't feel in danger anymore.

Alicia looked her hand, now with some blood under her nails, and then stared at the mirror. For a second she had a flash or a hallucination, she wasn't completely sure, and during an instant...Allicia saw how the scars reopened and her reflection looked back at her with that dead eyes. With a deep sigh she looked away, hating that image that will never go away, because she was the living reminder of what happened.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" she whispered while she washed her hands

After that she composed herself, walking to her temporary room to go pack, now feeling a void of fear. Thinking that Elías could pass for the same shit...no, no, he won't, that's the only thing she will never allow even if she had to do the unthinkable for that. Once she was inside the room, she took her medicine and swallowed a pill while thinking...when was the last time she took one of those?

Lastly she cleaned the little wound on her neck and put a bandage over it, anyway it wasn't anything to go to the medic bay, that could wait until they are back. And when it was time, she took her bag and went to the plane, thanking and saying her goodbyes to all the soldiers that helped them during the mission. She sat in silence, just staring at the tied bags without noticing Jackson's frown, but just looked by the corner of her eye when someone sat down by her side.

It was Luke, just as always, but this time there wasn't any jokes nor chit chat, instead they were in absolute silence. And maybe it was better like that, Alicia said to herself, right now she was in a loss of words and even if she wasn't...she wouldn't know what to say to him. Like that the plane took flight while Alicia started to play with the dog tags, thinking on what was happening, the past was repeating itself and maybe now everyone she knew are in danger.

Those were eighteen long hours until they arrived to Killeen, to Black Tomb as well, and once they were there...Alicia stayed behind as she waited for everyone to go. And once she was on her own, she walked towards the conference room where she knew Wraith was waiting. By every step she gave, her expression became darker and darker, filled with anger and hate until she arrived there and walked inside.

"So Fowlett gave you the news" Dominique said while she looked at how Alicia threw her bag into a chair "how much time do you think we have?"

"Two weeks and four days"

"That's surprisingly exact"

"If these bastards are doing it again, then we have two weeks and four days before they kill them all" she answered with her eyes lacking of any kind of shine "or until they press enough buttons"

"What does that mean?"

"Wraith, do you really think I'm the only one who can do what I did? Don't be naive..."

"You wanna stop another Broken Statue"

"Exactly, and this time isn't only me"

And once she said that, a call entered, and before Wraith could check the number...Alicia answered. The face of a man, similar to the Captain, maybe a bit young looking, stared back with a frown.

"August" she said with a stone face

"Alicia, I guess you heard what happened" he murmured, with worry hidden behind the anger in his eyes "what will you do?"

"Isn't it obvious? They'll pay for taking him"

"Good, how long will it take?"

"As fast as I can"

"Mmm..."

"Don't give me that look, anyway, I need a favor"

"What kind?"

"Don't tell anything to our grandpa"

"...I don't know what do you mean?"

"Oh, you don't? Don't take me as stupid, last time you told grandpa and he was this near of intervene" Alicia said with a little smile "he isn't prepared for those news anymore. If it's needed all our cousins and my siblings will help, but leave our grandparents and parents out of this"

"You sound so sure about this"

"I did that kind of rescue before, and I'll do it again"

"If I trust you with this, how are we sure you'll succed?" August said with a sigh, but then just shook his head a bit "forget it, stupid question, good luck"

"Thank you...y'know, he'll be back for you dad's birthday, I promise"

"I hope so"

The call was finished and for a second none of them moved, but Wraith then put a hand over Alicia's shoulder without a sound. She sighed and grabbed the agent's hand, squeezing it as a 'thank you' gesture, trying to keep her head clean. Then the Captain turned to look at her, tired and worried, a sight Wraith hadn't seen in a long time.

"When can I go to rescue him?" Alicia asked

"If everything goes right, then right after you and the boys go to eliminate Black Swan"

"So Shanghái is the next step"

"Yeah, I hate to send you there because of that bitch, but we don't have any other choice"

"I know, I don't blame you" she said with a sigh "eliminate, huh? Why not capture?"

"Green Chamaleon is pragmatic and will cooperate to avoid as much punishment as he can, but Black Swan is a brute who only has good memory for money and the people they've took from"

"I heard it, they extorsions them and kill them if they don't pay. Even make them sell everything they have just to get the money"

"Exactly, they have the little towns under their thumb"

"But why the Chinese government allows it? I don't understand"

"They go for little towns far away from the center of the province or they find corrupt people, they always have a thing to hold into"

"They followed Chen's steps"

"Just like that, that's why she's so worried about her things"

"Hmmm"

After that Alicia nodded, taking again her bag, now going to the armory to left the guns she used. She started to clean the guns, just doing it in automatically, then passing to her karambit...so shiny and sharp, but she hasn't used it, she hadn't need it yet. Then someone sat down by her side, scaring and startling her, but she got relaxed when she noticed that it was Luke again.

"...How you feeling?" he asked with a worried face

"Tired" she admitted before sighing and leave the rifle aside "sorry for my reaction before, I was stressed"

"No need to say sorry, I noticed it" he said with a little smile that dissapeared in a second "I'm sorry for doubting you"

"You joking? C'mon boy, you had and have all the right to doubt me, there are many things I haven't told you...and maybe it'll take time for you to learn about it"

"Then I guess it's good that our deployments are long as fuck"

"How funny"

"What happened? You seemed scared when we were in Brasil"

"That team of the 10th...it's my cousin's, they captured him and I'm fucking scared that they'll pass for the same I did. And the place where they are, is one I rather to forget" she murmured with a deep sigh "and now we have to go to lead with Black Swan, everything is just...going worst and worst"

"We'll found them, and kill Black Swan" he said hugging her by the shoulder "don't worry, we'll figure everything out"

"I really hope you're right"

"Hey, would you let me take a look of that wound on your neck? Seems like you don't want to go and hear Jackson's scolding"

"...It isn't anything to take a trip to the medic bay"

"Still, I know your luck"

Alicia chuckled tiredly, but peeled of the bandage on her neck, allowing Luke to see the wound. The red-haired bit his cheek to prevent himself of saying anything stupid, but he took the first aid kit he brought and started to clean the wound. It was a long line that stopped bleeding not so long ago, surrounded by many little scratches, and Luke knew in a second...that was made by human hands.

With a sigh, he put another bandage over the wound, then looked at her hands. In silence he gave her another bandage for later, trying to ignore the little red in her nail.

"Let's go, we need to prepare everything for the next mission"

[cullen-cannons]

Victoria Saves Bella: New Moon AU

I know it has been a while since I’ve posted, but I've had this idea for a few weeks now so here's my offering.

Remember how in the New Moon movie, Victoria jumps off the cliff to escape the wolf pack while Charlie and the others are hunting the wolves while the wolves are hunting Victoria? 

Then Bella goes to that SAME cliff to try to cliff dive for adrenaline. In the movie, we can see Victoria's red hair in the water coming closer as Bella sinks.

(time 1:26 - 1:37)

WHAT IF instead of Jacob pulling her out of the water it's Victoria?

At first, Victoria fully intends on killing Bella but Bella begs for her life saying that Edward doesn't hold any affection for her anymore. Victoria agrees.

SO MANY POSSIBILITIES (tell me which one you like best and I’ll start writing to try and get back into Twilight)

SCENARIO ONE:

She feels bad for Bella for being left so cruelly like that by Edwrad and offers to help her get out of Forks. Bella confesses that she’s always wanted to see England so she helps her go there. 

Bella ends up finishing HighSchool then going to college and becoming an English teacher at a High School in a small town in the countryside, a nice quiet life. She keeps studying on the side, hoping to become a professor.

Meanwhile, the Cullens convince Edward to return and not take his life.

In a few years, they move to England, the same small town where Bella lives and start High School. Edward is absolutely shook when he sees Bella, somehow even more beautiful with a few more years on her. The whole thing is awkward as hell. 

Bella is angry at him and wants answers and a full explanation but is determined not to show it to anyone else (after all to them it’d just be her hating on some poor high schooler for no reason). Deep down still loves Edward but doesn’t think any of her feelings could be returned so she tries to ignore him. Asking for him to be removed from her class (it doesn’t work).

Edward is in love, and beside himself that he’s having feelings for a teacher, but makes himself okay with it because it’s Bella. He misses her so badly but is determined not to get involved. He tries to leave but Carlise doesn’t trust him not to go to the Volturi again so he makes him stay, even suggesting he stay in school to try and get over his feelings for Bella (which Carlisle believes are unreturned).

It’s basically a shit ton of angst and mutual pining until they both work things out. 

(Maybe Edward is aged up a bit, like he was 20 when he was turned but looks younger because of his boyish grin and messy hair. Just so the age gap won’t be so bad.)

SCENARIO TWO

Similar to the first scenario only instead of leaving Bella stays in Forks after Victoria spares her life. And when Edward goes to the Volturi he accepts Aro’s offer for him to join out of sheer depression and desperation. All he wants is a purpose.

When it’s discovered that Bella is alive he’s relieved and regrets his decision, but he’s determined to stay out of her life so that she can get over him and be happy.

He begins to become accustomed and even to like the Volturi just a little bit. Edward respects Aro, even if he doesn’t necessarily like him or agree with all of his ideals.

After a year when the Cullens still haven’t changed Bella Aro decides she must be killed for knowing too much, Edward tries to protest but Aro’s decision is final. He says that it’s the perfect opportunity for Edward to get her back so if he agrees to turn her then everything will be fine, but Aro doesn’t want to let Edward go so they would have to stay in the Volturi.

Edward wants her but doesn’t want to sacrifice her soul.

Edward and Bella both want the same thing, for Bella to be a vampire and to stay by Edward’s side.

When it comes to a confrontation the Cullens can tell Edward doesn’t want to kill Bella, so they defend her but Felix and Demitri capture her and Edwrad turns her so she won’t be killed.

They join the Volturi but after a few years, they wish to leave. Aro is happy to let Bella go but won’t let Edward leave, he threatens to kill Bella if Edward doesn’t stay. So Bella and Edward rebel, killing Aro and Cauis and his wife, taking over the Volturi.

SCENARIO THREE

Victoria offers to change Bella so they can hunt down and kill Edward together.

Bella wants to be a vampire but she still loves Edward, but she agrees hoping she can eventually convince Victoria to spare him and to get Edward to take her back now that she's a vampire and it can't be undone.

With Laurent, they set off in search of Edward. Laurent thinks the entire thing is dumb and that they should just forget it but he supports Bella’s revenge arc. Bella feels guilty for lying about her intentions.

They eventually find him in Italy, where he’s joined the Volturi. (the same as in scenario two where he respects Aro and acknowledges that what he’s done is impressive, but doesn’t like him.) It comes to a confrontation.

Edward doesn’t want to kill Bella and runs away during the fight. Bella finds him, angry that he can’t face her. They work things out but he tells her he can’t leave. She convinces him to rebel against Aro. 

Together Victoria, Laurent, Bella and Edward plan to kill the Volturi. They get help from Vladimir and Stephan.

Later when they act out their plan it goes successfully, but Victoria is still angry. She wants to kill Bella and Edward. Edward knows and tells Bella. In secret they agree the only way that they can be safe is to kill Victoria and Laurent, so they do. Bella feels guilt over the death of the woman who’d become a friend to her but she would rather face that than be without Edward.

After the deaths of Victoria and Laurent, they go off on their own for a bit, exploring the world, but eventually, they return to the Cullens.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

if carlisle and dumbledore were put in each other's respective stories / dilemmas , how do you think they would react? how would a carlisle cullen have dealt with voldemort/grindelwald? and how dumbledore would have dealt with vampirism, etc? i almost view the two of them as a sort of foil to each other, not yet able to articulate why or how though

I mean, they'd live completely different lives, because they're completely different characters. It's very unlikely they'd end up in the same situations.

But alright.

Carlisle is Dumbledore

Carlisle's born in a working class family that quickly begins to fall apart. His father's sent to prison, his mother dies, his sister has a chronic illness that will never disappear, and it's just him and his brother left with very little chance of a future between them.

Handsome Gellert Grindelwald moves in next store with grand, new, ideas concerning the muggles.

Now, this particular Carlisle won't be Christian, he's a pureblood wizard and we can pretty safely assume that the Dumbledores were no more religious than any other wizarding family is.

It's a little up in the air whether Carlisle would be seduced by Gellert or not. Gellert is learned, foreign, and has all these radical, new, theories that weren't very prevalent at the time (well, anti muggleborn sentiment was, the facism was new). On the other hand though, Carlisle is also a man who once radically changed his own beliefs to something that went against nearly every edict of his previous religion. This is not a guy who takes things for granted and is not afraid to both confront himself and the true nature of the world he lives in.

And he has a deep respect for human life that, had it been any lesser, would have undoubtedly led to him eating humans as a vampire.

So, I'm going to say no, or if he does, it lasts up until Gellert says, "We should totally make the muggles our slaves." The muggles may have irreparably damaged Carlisle's sister, they may be hated by society, but they are free thinking beings who should be enslaved to no one. Carlsile raises his pacifism flag.

As a result, Gellert probably thinks he's a tool. Hot, of course, and intelligent, but a useless tool. Without somebody to bounce ideas off of/confirm his radicalization, Gellert has little to no interest in Carlisle or any of the Dumbledores. Gellert spends his time in Godric's Hollow then goes elsewhere, Ariana lives, at least for now, unclear how long her lifespan was going to be otherwise, Carlisle does not have the Gellert incident, and he and Abeforth remain on good terms.

Carlisle graduates Hogwarts and either is a) bullied into taking Flamel's apprenticeship opportunity by Abeforth who screams "DUDE, GET YOURSELF A FUTURE or b) immediately sets about trying to find a relatively high paying job so he can support the family. In the case of B, I imagine he goes to work for the goblins who seem to hire those straight out of Hogwarts with good enough grades. In the case of A, well, he goes to study alchemy.

Knowing Carlisle, he does a bastardization of both. He studies alchemy under Flamel and then works nights as a bartender in Paris or something to that effect. When he finishes, what career he does then is out in the air.

Given that, as a vampire, he had all the choices in the world open to him in terms of education (and tried many different things) before eventually settling on and sticking with human medicine despite the dangers, I think that's telling. Carlisle probably tries to get a job in something healing related.

However, that strays more into the "What if Carlisle was in the wizarding world" vs. "What if Carlisle was Dumbledore" so we'll say that the idea of teaching appeals to him and he returns to Hogwarts for the Transfiguration position.

This all goes well except then there's a first world war on, the muggle world goes completely insane, and no one understands why Carlisle's so upset.

And now we enter the world where Carlisle starts really making choices in Dumbledore's shoes.

First, Tom Riddle. Carlisle, I imagine, makes 100,000 times of a better impression than Dumbledore on the young Tom. He does not, for one, light his wardrobe on fire and threaten him. Carlisle might think this kid is weird, but he lives in poverty and an orphanage, much of his behavior can be explained from that. I imagine Carlisle becomes determined to take Tom under his wing.

I imagine at first Tom thinks this is excellent, LOOK HOW MUCH HE'S MANIPULATING THIS ADULT! And then he realizes that, no, Carlisle is perfectly aware he's a little shit. He just likes talking to Tom after classes about how to fit in with pureblood society/weird esoteric muggle philosophy.

Trouble is, Carlisle is so damn likeable (see his friends all over the world), that Tom can't help but like him. When the Blitz begins, and Carlisle undoubtedly offers Tom (and any other muggleborn who was not moved to the country) a place to stay, that seals the deal, the wizarding world might suck but Carlisle's a pretty cool guy.

Of course, Tom still thinks the government should be reformed or overthrown, but he and Carlisle actually sit down to talk about things like communism and facism (Carlisle's not a fan though the modern, muggle, form of democracy not practiced in the wizarding world is a weird concept to him).

My point being, it's unlikely this Tom Riddle becomes Voldemort or even really aspires to become him. You want more on that topic, check out these posts.

Grindelwald meanwhile, becomes a bigger and bigger deal, and things start looking... bad. However, it's not immediately obvious that Carlisle's the one who should do something about it. He's not a duelist, he's a professor, and his job is to teach the children. He may have been alright in school, but that was decades ago now. More, unlike Albus, he feels no personal responsibility, he knew Gellert, briefly, yes, but they had no real connection. Gellert spoke about insane things and Carlisle said, "Mm, don't like". Add to that that Carlisle's a pacifist, he's going to insist that someone trained for the position do the job.

Given canon, this means that Grindelwald likely invades and takes over wizarding England and, with a strong enough foothold, enacts his "enslave the muggles" plan. Which very well might result in a nuclear holocaust as Grindelwald was likely not keeping up with muggle technology and the muggle world war.

The muggle world collapses, which in turn causes society collapse, and the world may or may not be a nuclear wasteland that Tom and Carlisle get to wander around.

If Carlisle by some divine intervention has a prophetic dream of "YOU MUST DEFEAT GRINDELWALD OR DOOM DOOM DOOM" then he goes and tries to defeat Grindelwald. Considering Grindelwald has the elder wand, he probably needs Deus ex Phoenix to win, but if it worked for Dumbledore it might work for Carlisle.

Well. No one saw that coming.

Carlisle's an overnight sensation and a national hero, the hero of Western Europe even. He's suddenly being presented medals, honors, seats of power, and Carlisle desperately tries to refuse, feeling very squeamish that he's being given these things because he took it upon himself to murder another human being (yes, even a war lord).

Tom finds this funny and Abeforth is ureservedly proud and tells everybody.

All Carlisle wanted to do was teach children and now he has to reside over trials in the Wizengamot. This is terrible.

As for what happens to the wizarding world from there, well, inertia probably carries it along for a good while. However, antimuggleborn sentiment is still on the rise an even without Voldemort I imagine there's quite a bit of unrest.

I imagine Carlisle, not wanting in any way to be a political figure, is not nearly as outspoken as Dumbledore on anything. He just wants to be headmaster, guys, leave him alone.

Tom may or may not go into politics and do it for him. But he probably ends up teaching too and just laughs as the country collapses.

Harry Potter is an ordinary student who has no prophecy surrounding him. Carlisle did not recruit children to join an illegal resistance movement nor does he have a plethora of spies and moles in the ministry.

Harry Potter canon does not happen.

Dumbledore is Carlisle

Well, Dumbledore undoubtedly also burned witches and very much believed in their existence. An irony there. He may chase the vampire, probably isn't first in the mob, in which case he remains human or dies.

If he does survive being bitten, I imagine it pains him for a while, but I don't see Albus having the same willpower as Carlisle. Or at least, not as much, Albus probably ends up eating people. He at first probably tries to be picky and eats those who harm society in some way (pick your poison for what that means) and then over time becomes less picky.

They're just humans, after all.

Albus probably isn't invited to stay in Volterra, he's not all that interesting. He doesn't become a human doctor, he's just your ordinary vampire. He might hang around libraries as much as he can but that's about as far as that extends.

He probably turns a Gellert equivalent at some point as a mate and they have a grand time together.

Edward is never turned nor the rest of the Cullens and Bella dies in a parking lot.

[justhaletwinsthings]

forever bitter that we never got to explore those sweet, sweet cullen family dynamics because smeyer was too busy contriving love triangle based relationship drama

like, consider:

silent civil wars between alice and edward over who has to tell carsilse that if they go into school today someone's probably gonna get fuckin eaten 

also that emmett is planning on bringing a pet bear home from their next hunt and neither of them wants to be the one to have to deal with that

emmett bringing esme flowers whenever he can because he knows she likes them and also the bright colours and soft scents really remind him of her (also of his human mother but he keeps that part to himself)

the kids visiting dr. cullen at work which is sweet in principle but also terrible bc it's usually less 'hi dad, how are you? lovely to see you :)' and more 'if you don't make jasper stop what he's doing right fucking now i'm going to bury him in the front yard'. the rest of the hospital staff take bets on who will show up next and pissed off about what. it honestly does more to humanise them than any weird ass overly perfect family appearances ever could.

rosalie looking edward dead in the eye and mentally insulting him for, like, three straight hours whenever they're out in public together just watching him get more and more pissed off bc he can't even SAY anything to her without looking like a goddamn lunatic so he just,, has to fuckin deal with it

also if he snaps and talks back emmett owes her like $500 and like HELL is he giving her the satisfaction of making money off him

esme showing up to pta meetings and community bake sales like the goddamn pillar of the community she is and being told how nice and well mannered her kids are and just like. flashing back to rose putting edward through a wall bc he made a snide comment about her sex life and staring off into the middle distance like some kind of ex-prisoner of war

also i'm sorry, but look me in the eyes and tell me that jasper and emmett don't bully the shit out of edward and i'll call you a goddman liar.

it isn't like. malicious or anything. he just,, makes it so easy. he's all broody and dramatic and honestly it would be a crime NOT to mock that. emmett follows him around quoting emo poetry and draping himself dramatically over furniture and edward is Not Having It. it usually ends in some kind of fist fight in the woods at the back of the house. edward is a vicious little bastard with absolutely no qualms about going for the throat. emmett picks him up and swings him around like a fuckin baseball bat.   somehow jasper still wins.

alice and emmett go on a lot of road trips together by virtue of being the Fun Ones(TM). they have a tendency of just up and leaving at random in the dead of night and then sending the fam a text a week later like 'wrestling gators down in florida. having fun. be back soon xoxox'.

sometimes they go to vegas just to see how much alice can make in a night before they get kicked out. a lot, as it turns out. the day they get blacklisted is a tragic one all around

jasper and rosalie, on the other hand, bond by going out into the middle of nowhere and letting out their repressed rage by beating the shit out of each other

it's two very different approaches

beating the shit out of each other is actually a tried and true cullen family tradition. brother won't stop sharing the private details of your personal life? find out who’s in the right by beating the shit out of each other. sister keeps telling everyone they should just fucking murder your girlfriend? prove that she’s wrong by beating the shit out of each other. it's a tried and true method of conflict resolution.

most of the fam will let an issue go for the most part after the Requisite Beating has been doled out. especially since most of their arguments are actually pretty petty edward and rosalie, on the other hand, hold grudges. it’s a long standing issue and also why the two of them and have the most antagonistic relationship in the family. pretty much everyone else but carlisle Stays The Fuck Out Of It.

alice steals edward’s room in literally every house they’ve lived in since the first. at first it was just a joke but then he started trying to throw her off by constantly changing his mind about which room he wanted and now it’s Personal. he fools her once. it never happens again.

there’s a bit of a weird hierarchy in the family, because like, jasper is the Oldest Child but edward is the First Son and it was kind of hard for them to figure out where they stood with each other at first. edward seems to get his way most of the time bc he’s definitely carlisle and esme’s favourite but that’s partly bc jasper usually doesn’t care enough to interfere. but when he does you can bet your ass things are gonna go his way bc he could snap edward like a fucking twig.

also what jasper wants is usually what alice wants and if there’s anyone capable of pulling a fast one over on edward it’s her. basically my point is that jasper is the Alpha Brother(TM)

meanwhile emmett’s just happy to be here

rosalie and esme actually have quite a good relationship, even if it’s a quiet sort of thing. the time they spend together is mostly marked by companionable silence while esme knits or cleans and rosalie reads but they both consider it time well spent. there’s a lot of unspoken affection there. like rosalie doesn’t need a second mother, especially not one barely any older than her, and she’s always been bad at connecting with other women... but if she has to have one she’s glad it’s esme

[natewallace]

The Lighthouse at the Bottom of the Sea

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Israel Hands, Stede Bonnet/ Original Male Character

Rating: E

Words: 11,722

Chapters: 2/10

Tags: Inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean, Alternate Universe - Pirates of the Caribbean Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Canon-Typical Violence, Choking, Hate Sex, Post-Season/Series 01, endgame, blackbonnet, Fix-It of Sorts, but first i make it worse, Fluff and Angst, Blackbeard | Edward Teach is Not Okay, Jealous Israel Hands, Minor Character Death

Summary:  There’s something Blackbeard is chasing. Something he thinks he needs. Something that will change his world forever and allow him to finally let go of the Gentleman Pirate once and for all.

Meanwhile, Stede Bonnet is chasing him. And all he wants is to feel that familiar, aching warmth that Edward Teach is so desperate to leave behind.

Chapter 2

The map doesn’t make any goddamn sense.

Jim doesn’t recall ever being a good cartographer, or even a good reader , for that matter. They’re a good fighter – they’ve known that their whole lives and Blackbeard does, too. Why this asshole has them sitting at a table and trying to make sense of a cryptic map is beyond them.

This whole situation sucks. Sucks a lot. They’ve seen what men do when they’re heartbroken, and it’s some gross shit, but Blackbeard is upping the melodrama to heights Jim didn’t even know existed. They feel like they’re in the middle of the world’s messiest divorce, except this one involves swords, knives, and at least two prisoners.

They sigh, run a hand through their hair, and look down at the map once more. The least they can do is bide themselves some time and try to figure out what the hell Blackbeard wants out of this thing – or where it’s supposed to lead.

The map doesn’t seem to be oriented in any cardinal direction, for one thing. Or, at least, Jim doesn’t think it is. They rummage a compass out of their pocket and place it on the table, trying to make sense of the strange symbols in the darker etchings across the paper. It’s a star chart, from what they understand, but it’s not like one Jim’s ever seen before.

Not to mention, its lack of ordinance doesn’t help with figuring out which way Jim is even supposed to hold the damn thing. They spin it around again, pulling the lantern on the table close to give it a better look.

It looks too detailed to be a fake. The paper, as far as they can tell, is old – and if the rumors about this map are true, there’s bound to be some legitimacy to it. Copies of the map exist just about everywhere, but, as legend goes, copies have never led sailors to their supposed destination.

At least, that was according to Blackbeard’s drunken ramblings the night before they seized the ship where it was being held.

They just wish they knew what the hell this was supposed to lead to.

Read the whole thing on AO3!

[obsessivelyloved]

i NEED to see more of that au where future edd takes the present gang away from tord. like omg what does red leader do, what does tord do???

Thinking about it is so funny to me. Like Future!Edd won't explain a single thing to any of the present gang so for a while they're just like. "This might as well just happen." Meanwhile present Tord freaks out since Edd missed their monthly phone call and isn't answering his phone at all. Red Leader freaks out because his lovers disappear lmao.

Thank you so much for helping me flesh this au out <3

______________________________________

Edd wasn't answering his phone. It'd been a few days and Tord had been trying non-stop. This wasn't like him at all. Whenever Edd missed their agreed time, he always sent a text to apologize and explain what was going on. Or if his phone was destroyed, he'd send a text from one of the other's phones.

All Tord has gotten from his friend was silence.

It unnerved him to no end. Not for the first time, he cursed himself for moving out, for not figuring out a way to make things work with his growing army while still being able to live with his ex-boyfriends.

Though he had heard recently of a new partner.....

Tord shook his head. Not important, he thought.

"Uh, boss?"

Tord snapped his head up from his phone. Pat stood awkwardly in his makeshift office doorway.

"Paul's been trying to call you this past hour. He said, um, that a large man has been chasing your friends around with a gun? He also said that all of them have disappeared and that he can't find them."

Tord felt nauseous with anger and fear. He knew Paul had been trying to call him but he ignored him in favor of trying to reach Edd. Now he really wished he didn't.

Dialing Paul's number, he quickly shooed Pat away and yanked his curtains shut. It wouldn't do shit to stop anyone from hearing if they passed by, but it gave him a nice sense of privacy. And no one could stare at him if he shattered some of the things in his office.

"What's the situation?" he barked out.

"Large man in a trench coat and green hoodie was waving around a gun at Edd," Paul responded immediately. "Kept going on about being Edd from the future and needing to kill him. He saw your friend's new partner and went quiet. Before I could even do anything, he lunged for all four of them and they disappeared in a flash."

Disappeared....?

Tord couldn't stop shaking. "Keep searching! I want updates every hour."

"Got it boss."

He hung up the phone and sat numbly in his chair. With a scream, he picked up his landline phone and threw it across the room.

* * * * * * * * *

"So um. What's the plan?" Tom asked. "I thought you wanted to kill Edd."

Edward, as they had dubbed Edd's future self, didn't look up from the stove. They watched as he poked at the big pot containing spaghetti.

"Uh, hello?" you ask. "Is this an elaborate murder plan? Did you get tired of holding a gun? Also, we can't eat spaghetti tied up."

"Yeah! Untie us!"

Matt wriggled in his ropes and promptly fell off his chair. "Ow!"

Edward sighed. He dropped the spoon and turned around to heft Matt back into his seat.

"Knock it off or I'll leave you on the floor."

He went back to the pot.

"I say we heckle him," Edd whispered.

"Your home sucks," Matt said.

"Yeah I second that. This is a shithole and I mean that lightly."

Edward sighs again. "I am very aware of that Tom. Being on the run from Red Leader doesn't exactly give me a lot of options for places to live."

Since his back is turned to the four of you, he misses the questioning looks you give each other.

"Ok, now I'm going to untie your arms enough that you can eat. Make any sudden movements and you'll fall on the floor. Then you lose all being untied privileges."

[writtenjewels]

Jacob’s Desire

Previously

Jacob tried to keep his breathing calm despite his racing heart. He learned about all of the past Assassins from his father but the two who captured his attention the most were Ezio and Edward. The way Ezio had risen to become Master Assassin was an inspiration, and his rallying of the people in Rome was particularly admirable. Admittedly, he took a lot of his inspiration for his gang from Ezio's example.

As for Edward, Jacob loved the rebellious ways of the pirate. He and his Jackdaw sailed free of any rule other than that of the ship. Robbing and pillaging all along the West Indies, and killing Templars along the way. It sounded like an amazing life.

It was thanks to those two that Jacob discovered he was attracted to men as well as women. He found drawings of both of them among his father's possessions and felt a stirring of desire.

Now through some strange and fantastic turn of events, here he was being undressed by them both. Every time a new piece of clothing was removed one or both of them would caress his skin with their hands and lips. He tried to do the same. He watched them reveal their bodies with growing hunger, groaning a bit at the build of them.

“Our young friend's getting eager,” Edward observed with a brush of his lips along Jacob's neck. Ezio's fingers swept up his sides. Jacob used one hand to run along Edward's hip and the other to squeeze Ezio's shoulder. Why did they all have to wear so much?

Jacob was naked first, which was no surprise. The other two took turns appraising his body. Hands squeezed his ass and thighs, keeping clear of his crotch for now. Jacob watched them back, itching to take off their trousers so he could get a full look, too. Ezio caught his face by the chin, caressing his lower lip with a thumb.

“You have wanted this for years, no?”

“Yes,” Jacob gulped. The Italian rhythm of that voice was so goddamn hot. Edward stood at Ezio's side, propping an arm on the other man's shoulder.

“So, lad, what first?”

Jacob's eyes darted between them for a moment. But of course he already knew what he wanted most. He stepped forward and pressed a kiss to Ezio's mouth, probing until the Italian's lips parted for him. He felt those hands sliding down his body to his ass and he gasped. His own fingers dug into Ezio's shoulders, dragging down his spine. He could hear some rustling and parted from the kiss. Edward was standing behind Ezio working off his trousers. He pushed the clothing down and got a hand on the older mentor's cock.

“Don't mind me,” he hummed. “Just helping along while enjoying the show.”

“Grazi,” Ezio said in a heated breath. He seized Jacob again and brought their lips back together. His lips were hot and hungry, his tongue probing just right. He felt a rough hand on his cock and thought it must be Edward's as both of Ezio's were already caressing his body. The pirate pumped and squeezed, encouraging him to grow erect. There was a momentary pause in the action that made Jacob pull back again to see what was happening.

Edward was passing a bottle of lube to Ezio. Ezio caught his eye and raised a brow. “Do I assume too much?”

“No, I... shit.” Jacob gulped. He never thought this might happen. “You'd be the first man... But I want it, I want you.”

“Bene.” Ezio gave him a swift kiss across the lips. He got lube on his hands and handed it back to Edward, who coated his own hands.

“You're damn eager to have him fuck you,” Edward smirked at Jacob playfully as he started coating Ezio's cock with the lube. Ezio meanwhile was prodding his ass with his fingers, finding the tight little hole and pushing through. “What about me?”

“Fuck,” Jacob hissed, shuddering at the feeling of Ezio's fingers going deeper.

“Oh, you want me to fuck you too.” Edward moved the fingers of his free hand through Jacob's hair, turning his head for a kiss. “I can manage that. I'll let you two have fun first, then I'll bend you over and have mine. And you can get a nice taste of Ezio's cock while you're at it. How's that sound?”

“Uh, huh,” Jacob gulped, finding it hard to form actual words. He should have guessed Edward would be the one to have a dirty mouth.

Eventually they made it to Ezio's bed. All three of them climbed in, Edward making himself comfortable so he could watch. Ezio stretched Jacob out on his back, the younger Assassin wrapping his legs around the Italian.

“Quick learner,” Edward noted in approval.

“But of course,” Ezio smiled. He gazed down at Jacob, adoring, admiring. “He is an Assassin.”

And then his cock was sliding its way inside Jacob. The girth of it was surprising and he jerked a bit, almost forcing the older Assassin to pull back out again. He took a few breaths and insisted he wanted to keep going. The two men praised him, kissing him and then each other. Ezio moved inside slow and steady, murmuring encouraging things in Italian. Jacob glanced over to Edward and saw the pirate stroking himself.

“For your first time, you're doing well,” he commented. “Ever fuck yourself with your fingers, Jacob?” Jacob nodded dazedly. All his vocal energy was going into gasps and moans as Ezio thrust inside him. “Did you imagine this?” Edward continued. “Think a lot about Ezio's big cock fucking your ass?” Good lord, the man had a filthy mouth. Jacob loved it. He gave another nod in answer. “I bet you did,” Edward smirked in approval. “The great Italian mentor spreading you wide, fucking you hard. That was a hint, Ezio.”

“Hm?” Ezio's lips were currently making a path along Jacob's neck to his shoulder.

“Jacob wants you to fuck him harder. Isn't that right, Jacob?”

“Yes,” he gulped. “Fuck me harder, Ezio.”

“You do not have to listen to him,” Ezio purred against his neck. He pushed himself in deeper but not harder. “It is your first time; you should not be so hasty. And you,” he added to Edward, “should be quiet.”

“He likes it,” Edward insisted. “Just look at him. How many fingers did you put up your ass to try matching this cock, Jacob? Were they enough? He's filling you up good, isn't he? Being your first, he must feel big and thick to you. Mm, yeah, just close your eyes and feel him stuffing you full. He's got quite the cock. Good, because I'm going to need you nice and open for when I pound your ass.”

Bloody hell, Jacob didn't know what was going to make him lose it first, Edward's chatter or Ezio's thrusts burying deep inside him.

“You may be right,” Ezio huffed in a strained voice. “He's leaking precum already and I have not touched his cock.”

“Touch him, then,” Edward urged, and to Jacob's relief Ezio complied, stroking the throbbing erection. “Fire away, Jacob. I'd love to come all over you but I'm saving my load for your ass. Once our illustrious mentor is done I'm going to get you on your stomach, spread you, and just start fucking you hard. Then I'm gonna come into you and lick my own seed out of your ass.”

Jacob let out a helpless, gutteral cry. Yes, fuck yes, he wanted to cry, but he couldn't manage it. Meanwhile Ezio was moving faster, finally putting more force behind each thrust. “Come... inside me... M-mentor,” Jacob begged.

“Turn him over,” Edward suggested. “Let him ride it out. I think he's got the hang of it.”

“You just want him there so you can lift him from my cock and straight onto yours,” Ezio grunted.

“Of course I do. Can't leave him empty for too long.” Jacob made a groan that he hoped sounded like he was agreeing. He didn't want either of them to stop fucking him. He didn't know how much longer this was going to last-- having them both here. He lost track of all he was feeling but he was greedy and wanted more of it. All of it.

Ezio's fingers threaded through his hair, tilting his head so their eyes met. “You are nearly there, Jacob. Come for me, bello.” Jacob felt compelled to obey, spilling hot against the older mentor's chest. He watched it with wild eyes. Edward reached between them to wipe some up and taste it.

“Not bad,” he hummed. “Here.” He offered his cum-slick fingers to Jacob. He thoughtlessly took them in his mouth and sucked. He was in a daze and Ezio hadn't stopped fucking him. “Hah, Christ, still so eager. You're gonna love his mouth, Ezio. Now quit taking your time so I can have a turn.”

As far as Jacob was concerned, Ezio could keep fucking him as long as he wanted. His cock felt so damn good. But eventually the mentor spilled his load. He pulled out, making Jacob whine. But in the next moment Edward's hands were on him, flipping him on his stomach, pulling him up so his ass stuck up in the air. He was spread open just as Edward promised and a new cock thrust inside him.

Goddamn. He could do this all night, just being passed back and forth between them until they were all exhausted. Maybe whatever allowed this would happen would end soon after that, but Jacob was going to enjoy every minute until then.

[365days365movies]

January 16, 2021: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)

I am a massive comic book nerd. Not unusual these days, to be fair. But I’m definitely up there, as far as my obsession with Marvel and DC go. And, yeah, I stick mostly to those two houses, and their various imprints.

Why do I bring this up? Well...remember this movie?

Kick-Ass was a pretty big deal when it came out in 2010, as it was a Marvel Comics movie that was completely unrelated to the relatively new Marvel Cinematic Universe. Based of a 2008 comic book written by Mark Millar and drawn by John Romita Jr., the film was directed by Matthew Vaughn, and featured a more realistic take on how real-world superheroes would actually work.

Vaughn and Millar by this point at least, were friends. Around 2012, they’re getting drunk at a pub together, and talking movies. The topic of spy movies come up, and how there hasn’t really been a good, non-parody, fun spy movie, and that there should be. And that was the bulk of their conversation.

Enter Dave Gibbons, a legendary comic book artist, whom you may know from drawing the comic book that was turned into this:

Oh yeah, he’s a big deal. Gibbons and Millar end up getting together to write a fun spy comic book based on this idea. Vaughn, meanwhile, is getting ready to direct X-Men: Days of Future Past, the sequel to X-Men: First Class, which Vaughn directed. That’s a good movie, by the way, even if I have...issues...with the treatment of the X-Men in film. Maybe one day I’ll get into that, we’ll see what happens. Ask me about it if you’re curious.

Anyway, Millar goes to Vaughn with this script, and Vaughan looks at it and realizes that he needs to direct this movie before somebody else makes it. So he leaves Days of Future Past, and he signs on to...

I feel like it’s an obligation, as a comic book dude, to watch this film. I should also read the book, but I didn’t do that with Kick-Ass, so to hell with it! Let’s get this recap started! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

Starting off with some Money for Nothing, and somewhere in the Middle East, 1997! We go into a stone temple, where some kind of mission is taking place. A surprise grenade causes the loss of one of the agents. The surviving agents are Merlin (Mark Strong), Lancelot AKA James Spencer (Jack Davenport), and Galahad, AKA Harry Hart (Colin Firth).

Hart, feeling guilty over the death of this agent, tells his wife, Michelle (Samantha Womack) and child Eggsy (yes, Eggsy) of his sacrifice, and gives Eggsy a medal.

From there, we jump forward 17 years, to Argentina where...Mark Hamill?

Holy shit, it’s Mark Hamill! Apparently, he’s playing Professor James Arnold, and being held hostage by a group of mysterious men. Just then, he’s rescued by Lancelot, showing up with some classic James Bond-style swagger and asking for a cup of sugar, sardonically.

He kicks the asses of these guys, but is SLICED IN HALF BY A MAN WITH SWORD LEGS WHAT THE FUCK????

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was watching the best thing I’ve ever goddamn seen. And as if that weren’t enough, she’s working for Samuel L. “Motherfucker” Jackson, playing Richmond Valentine. I am...I am so pleased.

We go to the Kingsmen headquarters, where Lancelot is being mourned by the Kingmen and their leader MICHAEL CAINE, REALLY, HOLY SHIT

Ahem. Sorry, uh...the star-studded cast has basically caused me to have a minor aneurysm. Caine plays Arthur, the leader of the Kingsmen. Get it? I can dig it, I’m a sucker for a good Arthurian reference. Anyway, now that Lancelot’s dead, it’s time to find a new candidate. Apparently, the man that died 17 years ago was part of an “experiment” by Hart, which Arthur says has failed. Galahad calls Arthur a snob, and says that they need to evolve with the times. \

Speaking of that former candidate, how’s his son doing?

Not stellar, it seems. His mom is dating a very unsavory gentleman, and not really taking good care of her youngest daughter. Eggsy (Taron Egerton), on the other hand, is a carefree delinquent. After engaging in an entertaining backwards car chase with the police (it’s cool), he gets arrested. He refuses to give up his friends, and he instead asks for a phone call.He looks at the medallion around his neck, and remembers that he can use the number of the back to contact someone for help. He uses a specific code phrase, but it appears not to have worked. But then, Eggsy is turned loose with little more than a phone call. That’s when Eggsy meets Hart.

We find out that Eggsy has a high IQ and Olympic-level athletics, but has dropped out of the Marines, and has been arrested for drugs and other illegal activities. After being read out by Hart, Eggsy goes on an anger-filled diatribe about the differences in privilege between the two of them. Although it’s short, it’s a powerful speech.

But that speech is interrupted by the owner of the car that Eggsy stole the previous night, as well as his gang. They’re yearning for a fight with Eggsy, and they threaten Hart. He doesn’t take that well, as he shuts the doors and windoes to the pub. Time to teach a lesson.

Yup, I’m giving this fight the posted video award. It might be short, but it’s also one of the best and coolest sequences I’ve ever seen in a spy movie. And OH, it’s giving me that gadget shit I was missing from the Bond movies.

After one of the most enjoyable fight sequences I’ve seen in a while, Eggsy’s understandably stunned. So is his stepfather Dean (Geoff Bell), the leader of the gang that Hart beat up in the pub. He’s not happy, and he beats Eggsy in their apartment, and that scene is...WHOOF. Much to their surprise, however, Hart’s left a device on Eggsy’s back. He threatens Dean through the device, and tells Eggsy to meet him at a tailor that he’d mentioned.

Once Eggsy escapes from Dean and the gang via nest parkour tricks, he makes his way to the tailor, where Hart officially brings him into the fold, giving him the opportunity to become a Kingsman. He exposits the history of the agency as a private group of spies, meant to protect the world while not bowing to the bureaucracy that plagues government-affiliated spy institutions.

We get to go to Kingsman Headquarters proper, and yeah...yeah, it’s cool. As compared to the other recruits, Eggsy’s pretty obviously out of place. This, of course, is part of the point, as Hart believes the Kingsmen could use someone with different life experiences and background. That would be the experiment mentioned earlier.

Eggsy’s competitors include Roxy (Sophie Cookson), who appears to actually be polite to him, unlike most of the potentials. They settle in for the night...but not for long. Their quarters fills with water, as the entirety of the Kingsmen head towards the showerheads and toilets for air. While they all succeed, Eggsy is the one who actually gets everyone out, by literally punching the window.

Unfortunately, for one of the candidates...it’s too late. These candidates could die in the hiring process. Rough.

Sadly, Mark Hamill also doesn’t quite make it, as Hart finds him, surprisingly freed from Valentine’s capture. As he’s questioned, Valentine is forced to kill him via Suicide Squad implant, and barely escaped from his men. Valentine and his henchwoman, Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) are trying to figure out who the Kingsmen are, to no avail at the moment.

Back with Merlin, who’s training the Kingsman candidates! They’re all told to get a puppy! Aw. Eggsy chooses J.B. a pug, under the mistaken impression that it’s a bulldog. And I’m not a pug person...but that puppy is cute as shit.

Time marches on, and the Kingsmen continue their training. Eggsy’s colleagues continue to discriminate against him, especially Charlie (Edward Holcroft). Hart, who was knocked out by the explosion, eventually wakes up. Valentine goes around to political leaders and proposes his plan to “save the world,” whatever that’s about to mean. Apparently, that includes giving the King of Sweden a surgical implant of some kind. Huh.

This, of course includes some, uh...conflict with Gazelle.

Awesome.

Eggsy’s in the final 6! As Hart congratulates him over this, we finally get some exposition on Richmond Valentine’s plan. See, that implant is the Suicide Squad bomb that killed Hamill, and Gazelle also has one. Additionally, he’s released a plan to the world that will provide free internet and phone data...forever. Not ominous at all, that.

After a cool skydiving training sequence, only three candidates are left. Hart, meanwhile, poses as a wealthy philanthropist, donating to Valentine’s cause. As a result, he’s treated to an extravagant dinner...of McDonald’s. Yes, it is the best product placement I’ve seen in a while, in case you were wondering. That reveal was hilarious.

Anyway, their conversation turns from talking about climate change studies and concerns, to their opinion of James Bond movies, in a lovely little piece of meta flavor. At this point, they would appear to understand each other’s role in the play, as it were. Forgot to mention, Valentine’s been kidnapping anyone who disagrees with his goals, while also distributing his free internet cards. So, there’s that. But he’s also trying to figure out what exactly the “Kingsmen” are. Speaking of...

Our three remaining Kingsman candidates are assigned a mission to seduce a young dignitary. However, all three of them make a mistake, and allow themselves to get drugged at a party, by someone wanting to know who Hart and Kingsmen are. When Eggsy wakes up, he’s been strapped to train tracks. Uh oh.

Despite an oncoming train, Eggsy doesn’t give the man any formation. Which, of course, was the point. It’s Hart, helping to give the Kingsman candidates a little loyalty test, which both Eggsy and Roxy pass with flying colors. But Charlie...Charlie’s a coward who immediately gives everything up, including Arthur himself.

Eggsy gets to spend 24 hours with Hart, before being thrown headfirst into a mission. Hart explains that being a Kingsman means being a gentleman, which Eggsy isn’t. Hart, of course, plans to fix that.

They head to the tailor, and check out some spy gadgets. And much to their surprise, Valentine is also there, under the guise of getting a suit. Hart takes the opportunity to recommend a hatter, who gives him a top hat with built in listening devices. I love it.

Eggsy, meanwhile, speaks with Arthur at Kingsman HQ. He’s commanded to perform one final test: kill his pug, J.B. Which...yeah, damn, that sucks. He doesn’t do it, understandably. Unfortunately...Roxy does kill her dog. She succeeds...and Eggsy’s kicked out of the Kingsman candidacy. Which feels like a bullshit play, if I’m honest.

Eggsy steals Arthur’s car, then goes back home. As he’s about to confront his stepfather, Hart brings back the car via remote access, then explains to Eggsy that the gun was filled with blanks, and that Eggsy ended up giving up his shot. He also reveals that the first candidate to die...didn’t actually die! It’s been a ruse all along, meant to test the candidates under the strictest of conditions. Which sucks, obviously, because Eggsy’s out of the program.

And at that point, Valentine says something of note, revealing that he plans to go to a hate church in Kentucky to begin his master plan. Hart heads there, and tells Eggsy to stay put.

We get treated to just...just the loveliest of sermons. Disgusting. But then...

...that’s the point, isn’t it?

Because Valentine uses the SIM cards to create a signal that drives the parishioners crazy. Hart’s also in the church, however, and he also starts going crazy. Which leaves the question: what happens when a highly trained spy goes up against untrained civilians, has a bunch of gadgets...and has absolutely no restraint whatsoever?

A MASSACRE, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. And most surprisingly, it’s a massacre that we actually SEE. Hart basically kills almost EVERYBODY in the church. I’ll put the video up, but...y’know, be warned here. It ain’t pretty.

Hart comes to, and realizes exactly what he’s done. He leaves, only to be confronted by Valentine and his men. The Bond metaphor finally comes full-circle, explained directly by Valentine. But instead of explaining his whole plan and devising some complicated way to kill Hart that he’ll inevitably escape from...

He just shoots Hart in the head. Holy shit. And this is while Merlin, Arthur, and yes, Eggsy watch on through Hart’s home feed. Looks like a new Kingsman is needed.

Arthur tells Merlin to assemble the Kingsmen. But Eggsy...Eggsy has other plans. Thinking on Hart’s words about wanting to do something good with his life. He goes to Arthur to talk to him about Hart’s death. Arthur invites him in for brandy. And that’s...when my mind exploded.

HE’S FUCKING IN ON IT?!? Michael Caine, NOOOO! Turns out that Valentine’s convinced Arthur of his true plan: a culling. He believes that the Earth’s temperature because there’s simply too much humanity, like a body trying to kill a virus. And so...he’s going to make the virus exterminate itself. And that argument’s enough to win Caine over.

Turns out that the implant is meant to protect those individuals against a neurological signal emitted by the SIM cards, the same one that went off in the church. Arthur, realizing that Eggsy understands exactly what’s going on, poisons him, then asks if he would like to join them. Eggsy refuses...and Arthur sets off the remote poison to kill him.

But NOPE! EGGSY SWITCHED THE FUCKIN’ GLASSES! I love this movie. Arthur dies, and Eggsy uses the opportunity to dig the implant from his neck. He takes that and Arthur’s phone to Merlin and Lancelot, who realize that they can’t trust anyone at this point. And so, the three of them - yes, the three of them - go to stop Valentine.

And, yeah...I can dig it. OH HOW I CAN DIG it.

Roxy goes up in an experimental vehicle to bring down the satellite, Merlin is flying the plane, and Eggsy...Eggsy’s the one going in disguised as Arthur, in order to infiltrate the mountain lair of Valentine. Here, he and the other beneficiaries wait it out, while the world literally tears itself apart. Now wearing a bespoke suit and playing the role of a gentleman, Eggsy enters the lion’s den.

But as expected, it’s time to hit some snags. Roxy waits juuuuuust a little too long, and one of the balloons in her craft pops. As for Eggsy, he meets an old “friend” of his in the form of Charlie, who’s now working for Valentine.

The missile’s fired just in time, as Charlie’s taken out and Eggsy runs for the plane. AWESOME climax here as Eggsy escapes. I mean it; it is VERY cool. They succeed JUST in time, and the satellite is destroyed. However, Valentine’s still managed to partially start the process, and they can’t do anything about that.

Eggsy’s gotta go BACK in, before Valentine gets another satellite to trigger the signal worldwide. Now armed with Hart’s AWESOME umbrella, he makes his way there under heavy gunshot. They’re also teaming up against Merlin in the plane, so he’s not doing great. And that when Eggsy has the idea...to turn the implants on. ALL of them.

It’s amazing. Violence in fireworks. So, it’s too bad that it doesn’t stop the signal. It works, and people start to tear each other apart all across the world. But only for was long as Valentine has his hands on the desk. Eggsy manages to stop that by laying down some suppressive fire.

That provokes a response.

..This movie is, for lack of a better term, fucking rad.

Gazelle and Eggsy have an awesome fight, worthy of any James Bond movie, seriously. I really want to give it the video post honor, but I’ve done that too much already. For god’s sake, I literally JUST did that.

Gazelle dies (it’s kinda goofy how she dies, if I’m honest), and Eggsy kills Valentine with her prosthetic leg. It’s over, as the signal ends, and Eggsy even gets the girl. Not Roxy, the Princess of Sweden. Not going into it, but it’s funny.

And that’s Kingsman: The Secret Service! Honestly, I gotta say, that was a rad-as-shit movie, and...

Ooh, a mid-credits scene! Eggsy goes back home, to the pub, where his stepfather and mom are hanging out with the gang. And let’s just say...Dean’s gonna get a little comeuppance. Manners, after all, maketh man.

OK, THAT’S Kingsman: The Secret Service! And that, again, was pretty rad. See you in the Epilogue in a few!

[theladyofdeath]

In the Bleak midwinter {17}

A Throne of Glass Period AU: 1920s.

Summary: 2 years after Arobynn Hammel is killed by Rowan Whitethorn, Maeve has returned from Eyllwe with a vengeance. Meanwhile, Rowan is getting married, Lorcan is a father, and Lysandra is finally ready to give her heart away. There’s been peace in The Cadre’s Orynth for 2 years, but peace never lasts.

A/N: Coming in close to the end!

All characters belong to SJM. I am no more than a fan with a plot.

**Warning: mature content - language, alcohol use, drug use, sex, murders and shit.

Links & masterlists:

Fanfic Masterlist

Ask me

The Cadre - 1920s AU {TOG}

In the Bleak Midwinter {The Cadre, Part 2}

Aelin didn’t know how long she and Lucy had been in that room, but she knew that she was cold, achy, and terrified. It took a while for Lucy to notice. She was a curious one, and pretty independent, so she could make herself comfortable in most places, especially once they had food. But, now, Aelin was running out of comforting conversation topics to have with a toddler as anxiety and fear thrummed through her veins. 

The food they were given hours ago had made her sick, although she tried to keep everything down, for Lucy’s sake. Meanwhile, every horrible outcome of what was taking place outside of the four concrete walls she sat inside had her heart beating faster. 

“Ae Ae,” Lucy began, and Aelin looked over at her, trying her best not to cry.

“Yes, Luce?” she replied, quietly. 

“Dada,” Lucy whispered, her lip wobbling, but before she could cry, the door was unlocked, and pushed open.

Aelin quickly snatched Lucy up as she stood and held the toddler tightly in her arms. 

Cairn stood there, looking as deadpan and serious as ever. “Come with me.”

“Where to?” Aelin asked, not moving a step.

Cairn showed no emotion. “Come with me, or I’ll lock you in here, again. It’s your choice.” 

Aelin hated that she didn’t hesitate. Instead, with Lucy in her arms, she followed Cairn out of the little room and through the winding hallways. 

The rest of the building wasn’t any better than the little room they had been trapped in. The stone walls continued, and Aelin didn’t feel comforted at all as they followed Cairn through the narrow hallways. Lucy was whining, which didn’t comfort Aelin either. Aelin should have been the one to comfort her but her own nerves were spiraling out of control.

Their walk seemed to last forever, but eventually, they came to a door. Lucy clung to the neckline of Aelin’s dress, and Lucy was grateful for it, it was the only thing that was keeping Aelin connected to reality.

Even though that reality was horrifying. 

Cairn pushed open the door and gestured for Aelin to enter. She was smart enough not to fight back or be stubborn, even though she so desperately wanted to both be stubborn and fight back. 

Maeve knew it, too, judging by the horrific smile on her red-painted lips as they entered. Aelin, Lucy in her arms, stopped just inside of the door with her chin raised high. 

“Mrs. Whitethorn,” Maeve crooned, as Cairn shut the door behind them. “How are you enjoying your stay?” 

“Food is shit,” Aelin said, plainly. Lucy’s whines had turned into a silent cry, her face buried into Aelin’s shoulder. “Is my husband on his way?”

Maeve’s eyes narrowed. “To the old train station, yes. In fact, he’ll be leaving that ungodly mansion of yours shortly.”

“Whatever you’re asking him for, he won’t give it to you,” Aelin said, shaking her head, but even as the words left her mouth, she knew she was wrong. For his wife, and his niece, Rowan would give Maeve whatever she wanted. 

As her dark eyes lit up, Aelin knew that she knew it, too. 

“I plan to test that theory,” she said, at last, her nails clicking on the hard desktop she sat behind. “Cairn.” 

Lucy was being removed from Aelin’s arms before she could even have a second thought. The second she was in Cairn’s arms, she was wailing. 

“No!” Aelin cried, taking a step forward to fight for her niece back, but a gun was cocked, and Aelin froze. 

Maeve didn’t hesitate as she pointed her pistol at Aelin’s head. “One more step, and you die, which would just be awful for all of us, wouldn’t it?” 

Aelin put a protective hand over her stomach, then looked at Lucy, who was being held by Cairn at Maeve’s right hand side. Aelin couldn’t help the tears that lined her eyes as she listened to Lucy cry. 

“Edward!”

The door opened and a man Aelin had never seen before entered the room and took Aelin’s arms behind her back. 

“Fuck you!” Aelin yelled, spitting at Maeve.

The woman snorted and set her gun down on her desk. Then, she nodded her head, and Aelin was hit in the back of the head, the rest of the world going dark around her. 

~~~~~

“They’re late,” Lorcan grumbled, his hands opening and closing at his sides. 

Rowan pulled the pocketwatch out of his breast pocket. Lorcan was right. It was two minutes past. 

“They’ll be here,” he snapped. 

Gavriel stood just behind them, watching the other side of the old abandoned platform, waiting, calmly. Fenrys was there, too, his jaw locked. They had left Aedion at home, watching and waiting in case anything happened there. Lysandra was with him, along with a hysterical Natalia. 

Just as Rowan’s patience was running short, he saw them coming. A sleek, black car was driving up, followed by one that was nearly identical. Rowan had no doubt to whom the cars belonged to.

No one moved, no one said a word as those cars pulled up to the other side of the broken tracks. 

They waited for a moment, and Rowan was about nearly to combust as the door to the first car opened and Cairn came out. He ascended the platform, and met their gazes as he approached.

Alone.

Before Rowan could open his mouth and spit out a retort, Cairn said, “Maeve sends apologies. She couldn’t make it, she was otherwise occupied.” 

“Where are they.” It wasn’t a question, but a demand. Rowan’s voice was low, calm. He didn’t want to even start thinking about where Maeve’s attention was.

“Depends which one you’re asking about,” Cairn replied, simply. 

Rowan froze, and it was Lorcan that growled, “Stop dancing around the subject, tell us the fucking conditions so we can get on with it.” 

Cairn stared at them, perfectly happy with Lorcan’s outburst. It’s why he let the silence ensue before saying, “Mr. Whitethorn comes with me.”

Gavriel’s shoulders tensed as Fenrys snorted. Lorcan had begun to say no, but Rowan interrupted them all, saying, “And Lucy and Aelin come back?” 

“I have Lucy in the car,” Cairn replied, simply, and when he didn’t go on, Rowan asked, “And my wife?” 

Cairn just smiled, slowly. 

“Well?” Rowan asked, after Cairn said nothing. 

“Lucy comes back to you now,” he said, quietly. “Aelin will be sent back to the estate when Rowan is safely delivered to Maeve.” 

“No,” Lorcan breathed, even though Rowan knew it hurt him to say it. “We find another way.”

“Lucy needs to be safe now,” Rowan said, quietly. “And Aelin needs to be safe now. I’ll be fine, and I’ll figure something out, but they need to be home, where I know they’re okay.” 

Lorcan stilled, but Rowan said, “Bring Lucy to Lorcan and I’ll come willingly.” 

“That undoes everything that we’ve fought for so far,” Fenrys muttered.

Rowan closed his eyes, knowing full well he was thinking of Connall. But Rowan wouldn’t have another death on his hands. Not his niece. Not his wife. He was done watching those he loved die, those that his family loved die.

He was over it.

Done.

Cairn waved a hand and the door to the second car was opened. A man in a suit came out, carrying Lucy, who was looking around with big, round eyes. The moment she spotted Lorcan, she began to cry, scream for him, but the second Lorcan took a step toward her, a gun was pointed at him.

So he stilled, and waited, even though it killed him to do so. The second Lucy was in his arms, though, he was clinging onto his daughter for dear life. 

“Dada.” She wept his name, and if Rowan had any sort of hesitation, Lucy’s little voice pushed him over the edge. Without looking back at his men, he took a step toward Cairn, then another, and another.

Before anyone could say anything otherwise, Rowan was shoved into a car and being driven away from the abandoned train tracks. 

Toward his aunt. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[spacesuitsforemergency]

Gracie’s Birth Day

A/N: Lol, the boys are absolutely useless and thank god Cora showed up when she did. And they refer to each other as girlfriends in this cause they get married later so yeah! Hope I got Cora’s character right!

“Dad, so help me god,” Lucy snapped as she glared up at her dad. “If you cook that chicken I’m going cook you.”

Remy glanced down at his very hostile and hormone filled daughter, who was sitting on the couch as he put away the groceries. He knew the smell of chicken specifically made her throw up, but damn.

“I won’t honey…Uh…is Cora coming over today?” He asked, deciding that wouldn’t be a question that would get her mad.

“Later. Right now she’s enjoying being able to walk without help.” Lucy grumbled. She wasn’t even mad at her girlfriend, just annoyed that walking was exhausting now with how big her belly was now. She was due to pop any day now, so she was very uncomfortable and irritated all the time rather than her usual sweet self.

Just then Eugene and Beau walked through the door, loudly arguing about something Lucy didn’t give two shits about to pay attention to. She rolled her eyes at their noise, but didn’t say anything as she went back to trying to read a new mother book that her dads had gotten her. She was right at the part about postpartum symptoms when she suddenly felt weird. Her stomach started to feel tight and started cramping, causing her to drop her book and gasp in pain at the sudden sharpness.

“Luc?” Eugene turned around to look at his sister, who was now doubled over (well, as best as she could with such a big stomach) in pain. “Oh my god. Are you leaking???”

“Honey? Are you okay?” Remy rushed over to her.

“I think…OW FUCK…I think it’s a contraction…”

“Oh shit. Oh damn. What do we do?” Beau started rambling. “Do we call an ambulance? No, we just drive you right? Do I need to call someone for you?”

“Hey!” Remy clapped for everyone’s attention. “Alright, I’m gonna get her into the car. Beau, go grab her duffel bag in her room. Eugene, call Kurt and tell him Willa needs to stay there with Anja for a bit. Then call Cora to let her know, and whoever else your sister wants.”

“I DON’T CARE JUST TAKE ME TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL.” Lucy shouted as the contraction started to calm down and she could relax.

After a chaotic trip to getting into the car, and of course a stupid traffic jam and having to wait for a room at the hospital, Lucy finally got into a delivery room and was now waiting for 1. Her girlfriend to show up and 2. For this baby to get out of her.

Beau was the only one panicking, he was constantly asking Lucy if she needed ice chips or anything, and he gasped at every time she got a contraction, which only stressed her out more so Remy took him out to the waiting room to find Raphael and wait for Cora. So meanwhile, Lucy got to spend some time with her brother.

“I wonder if you’ll still be fat afterwards.” Eugene snickered before dodging her hand to smack him.

“You’re so lucky I can’t get up on my own.” Lucy lightly laughed, still kinda in too much pain to laugh.

“Seriously though, how are you feeling?” He asked, sitting in the chair next to the bed.

“Uh, terrified? Exhausted already? Nervous?” Lucy scoffed. “I can’t do this. Are you kidding? How is this gonna come out of that?” She gestured to her stomach then…lower.

“Uhh…apparently y’all women stretch a lot down there, I don’t know.” Eugene shrugged, uncomfortable talking about a woman’s vagina during childbirth, let alone his sisters. “So uh, did you come up with any name ideas yet?”

“Yeah, I have a couple in mind.” She smiled.

“Lay them on me, I wanna vote.”

“Okay, Annie.”

“Are you raising a gun slinger? No.”

“Isabelle.”

“Too basic.”

“Monica.”

“She was the worst character on Friends.”

“Nathalie.”

“That’s cute.”

“Paulina.”

“Imagine being an adult named Paulina. Don’t do that to your daughter.”

“I’m sorry, who are you to tell me what I can name my child?”

“Well there’s only one problem, my dear sister. I didn’t hear a Eugenie or Eugenia in that list of options.”

“Cause it’s not one.”

“Uh! I will name one of my kids after you!”

“And that’s very sweet, but as much as I love the name Eugene, I don’t like Eugenia as much. It’ll be her middle name.”

“…it IS hard to live up to my fabtastic name.”

“Did you just say fab-OUCH.” Lucy winced at a contraction, and Eugene quickly grabbed the cold towel on the table and put it on her sweaty neck, and pet her hair to soothe her as best he could.

“Whatever you choose to name her, I am so excited to meet her.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and let her squeeze his hand in pain.

“I am too. Just wish it was under better…circumstances.” Lucy sighed as the contraction started to end and she leaned back into the bed. “God I’m so tired already.”

“LUCY?? LUCY?! LUCY!” A girl dressed in white and looking like she had just been put through a shredder ran into the room.

“Cora??? What happened to you?” Lucy stared at her frantic girlfriend.

“Was battling an Edward Scissorhands wannabe, doesn’t matter, my dear. How are you feeling? How far along are you?” She asked as she shoved Eugene aside and sat in his place, taking Lucy’s hand in hers and rubbing her thumb on the back of her hand.

“Uh, excuse you?” Eugene scoffed pettily, which both girls ignored.

“Okay, I guess. Nurse said I was dilated at 4 centimeters, so, almost halfway through that.” Lucy sighed. “But I’m so scared, I don’t know what to do with a baby!”

“Yes you do!” Cora laughed sweetly. “You read all those books, talked to Juliette, went to Lamaze classes, it’ll be okay. And I’m right here to help, darling.”

“Do you want ice chips, Luc?” Beau poked his head into the room.

“NO BEAU, IM FINE. I DON’T NEED YOUR DAMN ICE CHIPS.” Lucy yelled, annoyed that he was asking for the forty millionth time.

“You really should have some, dear, you need to stay hydrated.” Cora said softly.

“Okay.” Lucy tiredly smiled at her.

“What?!” Beau’s jaw dropped as Cora got up and took the cup of ice chips from him.

“Uh, Luc, I invited Ronan to come just so you know.” Eugene piped up, everyone ignoring Beau’s offended face as Cora helped Lucy eat some ice chips.

“Oh perfect, he’s probably gonna make a rap about this.” Lucy rolled her eyes and groaned. She did like Ronan, she really did, but the dude was a bit too much sometimes.

She whined in pain when another contraction washed over her, Cora rubbing her back and kissing her on the head to comfort her. Lucy shut her eyes and leaned into her girlfriend, nearly falling asleep once the contraction stopped.

A couple hours of waiting had passed, Lucy had just listened to her girlfriend talk about anything as she tried not to focus on all the pain. Her dads had dropped in a few times, Ronan had arrived and asked about a million questions that Lucy didn’t have the energy to answer, and Beau kept asking Cora if Lucy needed more damn ice chips. Then a nurse came in to check up on her, and said she was dilated at 9 centimeters and it was time to get the doctors and start the process of childbirth.

The doctors had tried to get everyone to leave the room, but Eugene threatened them until they let him, Ronan, Remy and Raphael stay with Lucy and Cora during this. As the doctors told Lucy to start pushing, each of her dads and brothers held one of her hands and she broke every single one of them in the first hour of pushing. She hasn’t broken Cora’s hand though, cause while she was in pain she didn’t want to hurt her so she was able to hold back as best she could.

“Honey, you have to breathe.” Cora whispered to her as she massaged Lucy’s shoulder with one hand.

“I am.” Lucy said, whilst not breathing.

“You have to keep pushing, Lucy.” The doctor delivering her baby told her.

“I can’t!” Lucy sobbed as she fell back into the bed, already so exhausted and in too much pain.

“You got this Lucy!” Ronan cheerleaded from the hallway.

“SHUT UP.” Lucy yelled at him, not in the mood for his shit.

“Darling, we need you to push, okay?” Cora encouraged, cupping her face gently. She looked into her girlfriends tired, scared and pain filled eyes, but hers remained calm and loving for her. “You’re doing amazingly, sweetie, you can do it.”

After a lot more pushing and a lot more cussing out Ronan and Eugene and a lot of support from her girlfriend, Lucy finally gave birth to her daughter. They quickly cleaned her off before handing her to Lucy, who immediately started crying with joy as she looked down at her baby. Cora also began to cry from joy beside her, reaching down and gently tucking the blanket around the tiny newborn as she rested her head against Lucy’s. Lucy didn’t even pay attention to doctors sewing her up, she didn’t even hardly notice since she was so overwhelmed with joy to care. After a few moments, the baby started to open her eyes and Lucy smiled as she looked into the black and red eyes of her baby.

“Hi, baby!” Lucy smiled even wider as tears poured down her face. “We’re your mama’s.”

[coffeebeannate]

Nate Watches Things: A Saga

Or in this case, one thing. One thing that was far too long of a thing, but such a bizarre venture that I felt rather compelled to put an actual review of said thing together.

Why? Because I can and because others HAVE to experience this..this journey. A nice lil journey called Die Pfeiler der Macht/ A Dangerous Fortune. And I watched it solely because Luca looks cute in Victorian clothes, and I was intrigued by the gifs.

Curiosity has always been such a great human motivator, eh?

And..guys. I just. I don’t know what the 3-4 hours (it’s two movies, and I took a couple days to watch it) WERE, exactly, but they were..a thing? I know that it’s based on a book by Ken Follett and that this production is German. Despite being based in England. 

Oh, and Luca’s character Mickey Miranda, is uh, Spanish. Make of that what you will.

So the summary is this:

A shocking secret behind a young boys death leads to three generations of treachery in this breathtaking saga of love, power and revenge, set amid the wealth and decadence of Victorian England.

And no it does not do this thing justice whatsoever.

Review under the cut. It’s too long *again, two movies here*, and I took far too many screencaps of this absolute wtfery, and uh, it’s probably better suited for a real-time live blog but nah. You can have this instead.

Some images under the cut are NSFW because nefarious boning is a key point in this..thing.

SPOILERS. So many spoilers. This thing is a spoiler fest. The caps have a very obvious Luca bias, I know why we’re here everyone. Hehe. There’s also some triggering stuff in this thing, so be warned there too.

BEHOLD:

So, a point I want to make is that the costuming in this movie is LEGIT. If absolutely nothing else works? Note that the costuming absolutely does.

The opening credits are very nice, Luca’s very pretty, this cap serves purely to showcase that because I’m a very serious man doing a very serious review.

Pretty.

So the beginning is..confusing. We have a girl, Maisie Robinson. (Around 10-13 here?) Her father is very poor and it’s her and her two siblings. He works for a man who is part of our main characters, the Pilasters?  and they run this bank. The head of the bank commits suicide, since they’re having financial troubles and he cannot repay his workers. He pens a note to his young son *under 12 at this point*, Hugh. 

Hugh never finds out about this letter, but anyway. At the moment, it’s 1866. Maisie’s father was one of those employees. Destitute, he leaves Maisie to..raise her siblings, and goes to America.

We never hear from this man again.

Hugh goes to live with his aunt (Augusta/Augustina?), uncle Joseph, and cousins, Edward and Clara.

THEN IT’S 1877 (we jump ten years)

Maisie’s two siblings have died, and she has a daughter, Rachel now. Who is also dying. This movie is very keen on people dying. I’d also like to point out that there is like, endless plots all happening alongside one another, and it took me until mid-way into part two to even really grasp what the main plot is.

The movie has a LOT of bank talk as well. I cannot express this earnestly enough, there is SO MUCH bank chatter. SO MUCH. This thing does not have to be as long as it is but again, bank stuff.

Anyway, the one plot is that Maisie is from the poor area, she’s had a horrible life and has struggled from day one. She’s in a constant battle with Hugh, and they argue a lot. A lot. (They like each other, they met as kids, but they’re from very different worlds. Hugh has money, she doesn’t, but Hugh has suffered as well and basically it’s your normal class struggle social commentary thing).

Maisie and Hugh in 1866, as kids, after Maisie’s father left for America. This is the funeral for Hugh’s father. So that’s the theme I mean.

Anywho.

Back in 1877, this is Samuel *left*, Joseph *middle* and Edward. The Pilaster’s get marched into work like they’re freaking army Captain’s and not just rich ass bankers. Imagine saluting your CEO. At work. Outside of the military. WHERE IS THIS A THING? Maybe this was a thing in Victorian England I have no clue I’ve certainly never come across it in my studies. Ffs.

Anyway.

So while all this is going on, there’s this man that wants to marry Maisie. 

And his name is,

(That’s Rachel, Maisie’s daughter). Anyway, Solly here loves Maisie and wants to marry her. But Maisie loves Hugh, and neither of them realize this yet. Solly is a himbo and we mostly like him, but stay tuned because that doesn’t stick. Sorta. Depends on how-

Nevermind I’ll just keep going.

ANYWAY, more plot.

Here’s Edward again, doing drugs, being gay, and overall..useless. Edward is..Edward is kind of like a person who would make an interesting wall decoration. Fun enough to look at, but utterly freaking hopeless, and useless, and so dumb. Just so dumb. This character is given the substance of ash fault. Kinda like, only vaguely solid enough to be entertaining. Kinda.

I don’t know guys, BUT LOOK!

It’s his good old pal Mickey! And he’s slapped Edward awake out of his drug coma (okay he grabs his face and shakes him rather than slapping but given how much slapping happens in the rest of this movie I think I can be forgiven) and he has PLOTS.

Mostly it’s his dads plot, but it’s a plot. A very devious scheme and he needs our favourite wallpapers assistance!

(Sorry Edward, but it’s true)

So keeping in mind that the ‘theme’ of this movie is bone-and-soul crushing sadness paired with periods of intense chaos and insanity that  you never see coming, our plots continue to thicken.

What Mickey means here, is that Edward’s family denied Mickey’s father what he wanted *weapons deal*, and beat the crap out of Mickey in a carriage. But that’s fine that’s fine Mickey is not deterred! BECAUSE.

*sigh*

So.

OK.

This scene.

Remember what I said about how this movie goes from being incredibly boring to so off the walls bonkers without actually WARNING YOU that it is going to do this? Yeah.

Edward, you see, really does not ‘do’ women. He’s gay. He’s extremely gay. Edward’s mother wants him to marry Florence Stalworthy for idk rich people reasons.

So..Mickey. Uh. Mickey’s solution is..this.

What is this, you ask??

Fuck if I know.

Anyway, no, uhm. This is a brothel. So (not) pictured here (I can’t post the scene on tumblr guys we have a ban) is Edward on a couch across from mask-and-feathers MIckey and this tied down woman, with another woman who is not tied down. And this is Mickey..showing Edward..how to.have sex with women. Apparently. Sort of. His lesson falls very flat. It is not a good scene, Mickey’s ‘instructions’ get increasingly louder, and he at one point makes this noise that sounds like a Joker laugh.

It is...it’s something.

(Also note there’s some extremely uncomfortable, misogynistic name-calling on Mickey’s part here..so yeah).

Oh, and it doesn’t convince Edward. At all. IMAGINE.

Around all this time, the Hugh/Maisie/Solly plot is also ongoing. And that also encompasses bar fighting (bare knuckles boxing and wrestling I think? And gambling)

Hugh has gambling debt we’ll get back to this. (He’s also obsessed with getting Russian bonds into the bank, again, the banking plot losses me a LOT)

So meanwhile, Mickey meets up with Edward’s mother.

But why Edward’s mother, you ask??

Well. *sigh*. Something I didn’t mention earlier is that Mickey likes Ed’s mum. A lot. A lot a lot. Mickey wants to take that woman to town and then some, is a very basic way of me putting it and-

Fuck it. Mickey wants to bang Ed’s mum. BADLY.

(She’s not opposed either, at all)

So their little scheme here is that Ed’s mum wants Ed to take control of the bank, but with the father-in-law alive, that’s not going to happen. So they’re plotting to take down the next person in charge who would succeed said father in law, (Samuel) who is in a relationship with the secretary mentioned above, Michael.

Yes, another GODDAMNED PLOT.

(Samuel is fairly unpleasant like all of these people, so I don’t feel that bad for him. He also kinda treats Michael like garbage, and is called out for this by Joseph later in the movie)

So the scheme here is to get rid of the father-in-law, and get Ed married. Cake walk!

(Also, while ALL THIS is going on, Mickey’s got his own mini-plot about doing these things for his father, the weapons and stuff but we don’t actually find out about the main goal of that whole thing till the end, you’ll see)

Oh, and since we’ve not had a good dose of ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ lately, Solly proposes to Maisie with an honest-to-god Alice in Wonderland party.

Yeah.

Meet the Mad Hatter! He’s a guide, he says nothing. Other people are in costume too, but you know-I have enough caps as it is.

So anyway, Maisie and Solly get engaged, Maisie and Hugh meet up at some point and bang instead. 

And while that’s happening, Edward is convinced by Mickey to marry Florence.

So he does.

Lookit this shit faced smug ass grin.

(Also ahead is Samuel again, and Hugh)

BUT THEN the bank finds out about Hugh’s gambling debts. So he leaves. Taking his cousin Clara (Edward’s teenage sister-at her insistence) to the USA. And just like Maisie’s dad, another man abandons her for the States.

So the father in law is still alive, so! 

It’s murder time.

Perfect wedding time event yeah?

So Mickey murders the father-in-law. (He jumps on him, suffocates him with a pillow, gets caught by Augusta and then they do this..weird ‘tensely make the bed thing’)

Murdered.

And then, exactly five seconds or so later..

Nothing like some murder pre-boning with the dead guy two feet away amiright?

Anyway at this point I was just:

And yelling at my ceiling. Not pictured.

I was a Hannibal fan and I STILL went !?!?!?

END PART ONE.

Part two starts out in 1912, and then cuts back to 1882. So in this messy timeline, note it has been six years since part one. And Hugh is married now to Nora, an American singer, and Clara is older and pregnant. (Father is never determined, but he’s a married man and that’s why Clara didn’t stay)

SO the three of them are returning home. Maisie and Solly have a son, David, and Maisie is depressed and distant, so Solly is the one who spends all the time with David. He’s shown as a legit good dad and it’s quite cute watching them.

(The kids Hugh’s, btw, he and Maisie both know this, Hugh does not, it’s revealed dramatically later but we still have so many plots)

Edward and Florence are childless. Edward doesn’t sleep with her. Everyone knows this.

(At this point I kept asking myself when this would end, I cannot stress how LONG this thing feels at times)

So Hugh and Nora meet up with Maisie and Solly, and they chat and there’s more love plots, more bank plots and a masquerade party where at some point Maisie thinks a little girl at the party is Rachel (who died in the end of part one, sorry!) and there’s a fire and Maisie and Hugh make out and Nora and Solly are both upset and it’s a whole thing.

Samuel now does something of a side business that’s unspecified with Michael, and pregnant Clara is being persued by the only man who might be a good match for her (she’s not keen on getting married. But he’s also..really old.) PLOTS.

And Mickey and Augusta are..still a thing. And Edward being chlidless is becoming an issue. So what is the solution dear friends??

*BANGS HEAD INTO A WALL*

Why the fuck not.

Absolutely flawless! Eddie will NEVER notice.

SO with this plan in motion, Mickey sets out to seduce Florence, Eddie’s neglected wife. He starts in a church, and I have to admit, this one line he gives is quite funny.

“I don’t go to church.”

Cannot begin to imagine why.

Also, around this time is when we get the infamous scene about how he fcked the wives of the three men and then made the guys suck his dick one by one. I didn’t cap that since it’s in gif form, but yeah.

Hugh and Solly and Nora and Maisie are still having their love issues. And there is still bank stuff as all this is going down.

But while on his Florence quest, we see Mickey beat up a guy who was abusing a small boy, and Florence see’s him do this as well and:

He looks so baffled. 

‘Me? GOOD? I really don’t think so.”

She’s also holding a baby, and he gives the infant this face:

“Eugh, what is that?”

He also finds her in church again at some point and comes alongside her like this:

”Sup? Whatcha prayin’ about?”

Anyway, while doing all this, he’s still having some issues. He needs Eddie’s signature for a bank transfer (for his father, his father’s plot is STILL a THING) and so it is time to seduce someone ELSE. This time it’s Edward. This won’t be hard. Edward wants him so bad you could probably see it from fucking space.

Mickey is well aware of this.(I don’t think it’s one sided either, he looks at Edward all wide eyed half the time, but he’s so manipulative it’s hard to judge).

Actually me right now tbh.

So that’s this followed by the infamous gif set.

Edward takes him up on it.

‘Come along my dear there’s nefarious boning to be done’.

Absolutely vital screencap below (which is the most we get anyway and I didn’t cap the line about the freaking signature because fuck plots over nice images okay)

Vital

Anyway Edward gives him the bloody signature. And then Mickey goes along to talk to Augusta. But at this point Mickey is very much beginning to unravel. His goal seems to be more centralized to finishing whatever long ass convoluted job his father has been making him do for the last six years (possibly more tbh) and he’s sort of done with everything.

And Edward see’s this exchange. Le. Oof.

SO! IN BETWEEN ALL THIS. There’s some party where there’s drama and then basically Nora..willing gives up Hugh so he can be with Maisie and Solly just..I don’t even know, single dad for life and all. Edward knows that his family has basically been doing shit all around him, and Mickey STILL seduces Florence. He has her meet him outside that night at two am and they get together, but when he’s with her he kinda has these doubts but she wants him anyway so they bang.

Yeesh.

AFTER that there’s Edward again, because Edward knows shit is up, Mickey goes to a room to grab a bag and see’s Edward there. He tells Edward goodbye, but Edward pulls a gun. Mickey just...drops the bag, tells him to shoot. Edward doesn’t, instead he turns the gun on himself and then Mickey shoots himself in a chair.

Yeah.

DEATH! SADNESS! REMEMBER-THIS MOVIE LOVES DEAD PEOPLE~!

At some point in all this, Augusta goes to her daughter, Clara, apologies for being an absolutely evil mother for her entire life and then the movie sort of begins to wrap up.

Maisie and David were going to leave for the States together, but David wants to stay with Solly, who well DID raise him despite him being Hugh’s kid. So Maisie and Hugh are alone and David lives with Solly and the Pilaster bank has discovered the ACTUAL FREAKING PLOT OF MICKEY’S DAD AND THE ENTIRE BACKGROUND THING. Which was this:

THIS DIDN’T NEED TO BE ALMOST FOUR HOURS, GERMANY.

SO Hugh lets the mob inside. We don’t see what happens after that, but Augusta comes in to tell Joseph Edward shot himself.

Lots of sadness.

So the movie ends in 1912, with David and Hugh meeting up. David never saw Maisie again *she’s deceased now, as is Solly.* they talk, there is some moral lesson or something about love. The goddamned end.

OOF.

SO overall?

I don’t know.

It’s a movie. It has a script and plot and..it was put on screen? The costumes are legitimately amazing. They might be the best thing about this thing. But it REALLY feels like Ken really wanted to make a movie about banking, noticed that’d be boring and tried to make it spicy.

It’s so bizarre. So depressing. So many people are horrible. So many bad things happen. So much slapping, so much weirdness. There’s nothing happy in this thing. Not one. The so called ‘good’-ish ending falls flat amongst a sea of depression and I re-iterate, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SO LONG.

I distinctly recall lots of clock watching at times, wondering how I could POSSIBLY have more to go. It then goes so completely off the rails that you just don’t know what is happening and it’s just WEIRD.

At times that weirdness makes it fun, but overall it’s really not great. I probably would never rewatch it, and I can say that it’s an uh, experience in movie-watching.

A good one? I don’t know. But an experience, none the less.

[yamithediaperdork]

Edwards new baby life (twilight)

Edward Cullen might of been a immortal vampire, capable of great feats of speed and raw power, but at the moment that meant exactly NOTHING to the 103 old vampire as while he looked like a teenager, he was dressed like a toddler at the moment.

As punishment for picking on Emmett because he was bed wetting again and needing to wear bed time diapers, Carlilse had decided that Edward could walk a mile in Emmett's shoes.

As such, he was currently in a white t-shirt with Barney on the front, and a pair of light purple shorts with green stripes on the side. Add in a pair of barney themed socks and of course sneakers and Edward would of been the envy of any little guy on the playground.

However as bad as the outfit was in of itself, it was what he was packing under the shorts that was getting stares and laughter as he marched down the halls of the school, trying to get to class as fast as possible and keeping his head down.

"NICE HUGGIES CULLEN!!" A jock called, making the hall erupt in laughter as Edward tried to remind himself that just because he COULD kill everyone, he really shouldn't

in any case, the taunt was right on the money as Edwards shorts were puffed out by not one or two, but three diapers and as such they poked up over the top of his shorts.

aside from that, they puffed out his butt making it look like he had that booty AND made him waddle like the toddler he was dressed as.

'Stupid stupid dad..if mom was home she wouldn't of let him do this! I'm SO telling her when she gets back!' Edward sulked as he made his way into home room, where his teacher took in his appearance with a smirk.

"Some new fashion trend I haven't heard of Mr. Cullen?" the teacher asked, his voice filled with amusement.

Edward, just shook his head and took his seat.

With home room done it was more or less a normal day at school aside from his attire and the teasing he got, though Edward had found if he didn't respond the bullies mostly lost interest.

the hardest part had been having the damn mutt and Bella see him in all his baby glory and burst out laughing.

"Oh my god! Wow!" Bella giggled and tried to stifle her laughter with a hand over her mouth.

Jacob meanwhile openly laughed then kissed Bella's cheek before talking in a loud voice.

"Damn Bella, looked like you REALLY dodged a bullet there! If you had gone with Eddy here you'd be stuck changing stinky diapers!" Jacob then paused and took a sniff and in a stage whisper leaned forward. "Er, Eddy buddy, I think your diapie needs needs a change."

As the laughter filled the halls and Edward glared and huffed, he was glad for the roaring laughter..as it covered up the sound of him wetting his diapers.

Sitting in his soggy diapers, Edward could only semi squirm from time to time, it wasn't all that comfortable and only got worse as he wet his diapers two more times and could feel a bowel movement building up.

Not having spare diapers he knew Carlilse would be by around noon hour and all Edward could hope for is that he'd get his 'diapie change' somewhere semi private.

His plan WAS to wait till Carlilse was at the school and 'make the devil's doughnuts' in front of him and again in semi privacy, but as the clock ticked away (Somehow seeming to slow down!) and his need to go uh-oh grew, Edward started to get worried.

So distracted by his need to uh-oh, Edward didn't even realize that his soggy diapers were starting to leak, Carlilse hadn't slit them so they could take a soaking but just layered him up, so he had damp patches on the inner thighs of his shorts.

'ngggh, my poor tummy.. maybe if I just let out a little gas..' Edward thought.

normally he tried his best not to fart in class but decades of experience had helped him train himself to let out silent poots and normally no one was the wiser as his diet didn't make them too smelly.

of course having been made to chow down on a fiber heavy breakfast before school and having had to drink 2 liters of milk , there was no telling what was gonna happen but it was in his mind, Roll the dice and have everyone know he farted for a worst case if he let gas go, or hold it in and risk MUCH worse coming out.

Shifting forward in his seat Edward gave a slight push to let the gas out, but it was all that his packed bowels had needed to unleash hell.

Loud brassy farts and a horrid stench filled the room as waste poured out into the back of Edwards diaper, forcing him to lean forward more and making it look like his rapidly filling diaper was pushing him out of his chair.

"Mr.Cullen what ar-" the math teacher started to ask but his stink and fart's answered for him.

"Ha! the big baby pooping himself! Told you he would. 20 bucks, pay up!" a blond was saying, turning around to a brunette behind him and holding out his hand.

"What the fuckkk!" snorted a red haired jock, who instantly realized he shouldn't of shorted and covering his nose, eyes watering.

"So gross!" a goth girl half chuckled, sticking out her tongue

"I think I'm gonna hurl!" the blond haired cheerleader who sat behind Edward cried, getting a full view and whiff of the big babies back door bomb and running from the classroom, hands over her mouth and gagging.

Edward himself wasn't immune to his own stink though whether his eyes were watering from his own smell or the fact he was shitting his brains out was a little hard to judge.

the diaper itself tried to expand as much as possible but there just wasn't any room so it started to leak, making Edward smell even worse and though his poopie diaper haze he heard the voice of his father, strolling into the room.

"Whew, smells like I'm just in time, somebody made presents huh?" Carlilse asked, smirking and wagging his eyebrows. "I'm gonna need the room to change widdle eddy here, I don't think he'll make it to the men's room. Your all welcomed to stay and watch if you want, but the smells gonna get worse."

the fact he was gonna be changed right here in the classroom semi snapped Edward out of his haze and he went to argue.

sadly for Edward, and very amusing for those watching, as he went to tell his dad off a large log pushed out and pressed on just the right spot and Edward ended up crying out "DADDY!" in a tone that left no doubt what NEW mess he was making in the front of his diapers as he collapsed on top of his desk.

Having taken out a Barney print changing mat, Carlilse got the leaky boy onto it, though while he was grinning on the outside, mentally he was wishing he'd slit the diapers, this was going to be a horrible clean up.

He was pleased to see that at least half of the class had stayed, though the windows had been opened and making sure everyone could get a good view tugged Edwards shorts off and tossed them in the trash.

"Sorry buddy, but those are too ruined. I'll get you new shorts on the way home." Carlilse coo'ed.

tugging the shirt off it became clear Edwards accident had traveled up his back and so he wiped it clean with the shirt and tossed it out too, leave Edward in just his destroyed diapers and socks and shoes.

"Good thing I got those at a discount, Might have to just let you run around in diapers so you don't destroy all your cute outfits!" Carlilse teased and tickled Edwards tummy.

the huffing and pouting vampire couldn't help himself but start to giggle and squirm as he was being tickled, which only squished the mess around worse. This of course was noted By Carlilse who stopped right away, it was gonna take just about the whole pack of wipes he brought with him as it.

"Alright everyone, the diapers being opened..last chance to book it!" Carlilse called out.

Seeing that there were no takers he shrugged and opened up the diaper, and a stunned silence filled the room, followed by gagging and out of the remaining half, only a third stayed behind to watch the diaper change.

Despite nothing behind said, Edward could hear his classmates thoughts and covered his face in shame as he was bombarded with them while Carlilse got to the task at hand.

'So fucking gross! What a fucking loser..can't believe I had a crush on him.' A redhead girl was thinking.

'Oh man, he's so tiny! no wonder Bella left him..well a diaper boy WOULD have a baby dick so makes sense.' A emo boy thought.

'Awww! little at how embarrassed he is! I just wanna hug him and make him feel better!' a heavier brunette girl thought.

'Oh man.. he's so lucky! I wish MY dad would do this to me..' a small blond haired boy thought, blushing and squirming lots.

'ngggh.. trust me, I'd trade places with you in a instant.' Edward mentally groaned.

17 minutes of hard work later and Edward was cleaned up and in clean diapers, again three but this time they were slit so he wouldn't leak.

Helping the mortified big baby to his feet Carlilse Had Edward wave bye bye to everyone and popped a (what else?) Barney themed pacifier in the poor vamp's mouth.

they of course took the trash bag with all the stained clothes and used wipes and stinky diapers with them, and Carlilse was holding onto it when they were confronted by the school's principle who wanted to know just what the hell was going on.

Carlilse gave Edward a BIG smile that had the big baby sucking hard on his paci, then handed him the trash bag.

"Eddy can you be daddies good little helper and go toss that out for him? the adults need to talk."

of course Edward didn't WANT to walk outside in just his diapers and socks and shoes, it was noon hour now and everyone would be outside!

But Carlilse's tone made it clear while it was phased as a request, it was a order.

Nodding his head Edward waddled off, sure he was about to get mocked endlessly while 'the adults talked' though before he was out of earshot range Edward heard something that brought tears to his eyes.

"Clearly he isn't ready for high school, I'm going to be pulling him out and placing him in a special program for little guys like him.who knows, maybe ONE day he'll be ready for big kid school."

The (unhappy) end!

[dusk-writes]

hoooo boy. I’m probably gonna get hate for this (bc i’ve heard the stans of this fic are Like That) but here goes anyway!! & I’m also…. really hoping you asked me this in good faith, @parttwoelectricboogaloo, because I’m Not Here to Start Shit (ie, important disclaimer that this post is NOT an attack against the author or anyone who likes the fic, & i won’t tolerate stans being rude/shitty in the replies).

anyway, tl;dr: the author took a CANONICALLY strong & independent character (Remus) & reduced him to someone who literally cannot function without a romantic love interest (either Sirius or the OC) by the end of the fic– his arc is essentially a downward spiral over the course of which he loses any shred of agency & becomes unhealthily clingy/needy instead.

Remus in Actual Book Canon is clever, competent, intelligent, and incredibly self-sufficient– while That Fic characterises Remus as the sort of person who literally whines & begs his lover not to break up with him (and I’m entirely unable to understand where OP got this characterisation from, bc it doesn’t remotely resemble Canon Remus from the books).

…like, Remus’s character in the final chapters of a/t/y/d is strongly reminiscent of Bella from Twilight– and I shouldn’t need to explain why this is Not A Good Thing. you know that one super icky section where Edward buggers off & there are several completely blank chapters with only the names of months at the top, to show how she literally Cannot Exist without her hot boyfriend & nothing else going on in her life is even worth mentioning…? This fic, similarly, has Remus fall into a deep depressive state after Halloween 1981 (including problems with addiction & substance abuse) from which he needs to be ‘saved’ by a Man, which would justifiably have everyone up in arms if he were a woman (except in some ways it’s even worse to shove Remus into this role, bc he’s a grown ass man and not an immature hormonal teenager). I definitely don’t dispute that Remus was very messed up after the war, and of course it would take time for him to recover from that trauma, but this is something he Can & Should be able to work through on his own!! Having another character (especially a love interest) swoop in to pick up the pieces for him strips Remus of his agency, & I’m really not about that.

Point 1: if a trope is gross & misogynistic when applied to a female character, it really should not be applied to a gay man, either. And, on that note, portraying one half of a gay ship as the ‘soft emotional vulnerable one’ (especially when this is not a canon trait of the character) is in fact super problematic; it’s literally a homophobic stereotype.

Point 2: Romance is not a cure for mental illness!!! And any romantic relationship where one partner contributes all of the emotional labour is Not Healthy.

Canon Wolfstar is beautiful because Remus & Sirius are equals who perfectly balance each other out, whose lives are both improved by the other’s presence while each still existing as his own independent person. they’re so close and vibe so well together that even after 12 years apart they barely need to speak out loud to understand each other. The author of a/t/y/d, meanwhile, is on the record as saying that Sirius & Remus ‘don’t really understand each other’, and injected their own OC into this role instead (which… Big Oof).

And for the record, I want to be 100% crystal clear that I’m NOT saying no one should ever read this fic, or that enjoying it makes you a bad person!! (we’re all still fans of HP & wolfstar in spite of JKR being a terrible racist terf, after all). But please, if you enjoy this work, do so while being conscious & critical of its flaws, and stop holding it up as the Pinnacle Of All Literature, or even the Best Fanfic Ever (remember that Perfect Flawless Media Does Not Exist!! flaws are normal, & they don’t mean you can’t/shouldn’t enjoy things, but it’s important to be aware & respectful). Because yeah, as a mentally ill queer dude, there are a Lot of unfortunate implications in this fic that make me very deeply uncomfortable (and friends who are POC have voiced discomfort regarding that aspect as well, though I’ll leave it to them to elaborate if they choose to). Again, you’re absolutely free to enjoy this fic & rec it to others, & it’s not my intention to stop you– but it is Not good rep of mental illness & disability, or of queer men (another side note: writing a character who explicitly & consistently IDs as a Gay Man throughout his adult life, only to have him marry a woman as the ultimate endgame ship, is also Very Squicky). I’m just. Really Tired.

in closing: It’s 2020 & We Are Past The Need For Gay Men Cast As Sexist Female Character Tropes & Presenting Toxic Unhealthy Relationships As Romantic. thank you for coming to my ted talk, and have a lovely day, friends ♡

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

While we're on the subject what do you think would have happened if it was Carlisle who came back after Bella's cliff diving? Maybe he happened to be closer to Forks or Alice was in another country and called him to go check on her (or whatever it was she hoped to accomplish by going to Forks) Would he nope out after seeing Bella's alive or would he stick around, become concerned about her wellbeing?

The post anon is referencing, where Rosalie comes back instead of Alice, things get hilarious and awkward. Edward never attempts suicide in Volterra.

So, Why Didn't Carlisle Come Back?

He didn't know.

For plot convenient reasons, he and Esme were out of the house at the time, and it was Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett by themselves.

Alice had her vision, heads down to Forks to see Bella's grave/catch the funeral, Rosalie decides to man up and tell Edward around the time that Alice reaches Forks.

(It probably takes her quite a few times to actually get a hold of Edward.)

I believe Carlisle is supposed to be absent from the time Alice gets the news until the Italy debacle is nearly over. He and Esme come back to everything on fire, Edward very likely to be executed for breaking the law in Volterra itself, and Edward having attempted suicide period.

By the time he gets there, it's known Bella's actually alive.

However, had he been home earlier, had he been there in the period where they thought Bella was in fact dead, I believe he would have travelled with Alice back to Forks.

Well, he would have tried to make the family come. This girl was important to Edward, important to their lives, of course they're showing up for the goddamn funeral.

Rosalie would throw a fit, Jasper would be an emotional wreck (likely feeling somehow complicit in all of this), Esme would be an emotional wreck for what this means for Edward, Emmett would be very awkward, and all in all Carlisle would wonder if, perhaps, he should have left the family at home.

Point being, Carlisle would absolutely have come back, but he probably would not have been alone.

But this is AU world, let's say he did.

Carlisle Returns Alone

His family is imploding, he leaves them behind, he'll tell them when the funeral is.

Alice doesn't come with him because Edward has to be told and Alice is the best one to do it. Alice really doesn't want to, but Carlisle insists, no, Edward has to know and best it comes from Alice who was her best friend.

And Rosalie, bless her heart, lacks the tact.

(Rosalie is mildly offended but agrees, probably best Alice does it).

So Carlisle returns alone, opens the door, "Oh, hello Bella."

Carlisle gets to awkwardly explain that, you see, Alice thought you had died. Neither he nor Bella have any explanation for this. Jake, meanwhile, wants Dr. Cullen out and is giving his "how dare you speech"

Unlike Rosalie, Carlisle sticks around and finds out the awful truth.

Bella is being hunted by vampires, the town of Forks is under siege by Victoria, and apparently the presence of vampires triggers the wolf transformation and so now half the Quileute tribe under the age of 18 is a shape shifter and it's all his family's fault.

Oh, and Bella did just attempt suicide, but isn't admitting it. She just likes jumping off cliffs now because, well, she might be hallucinating Edward? That's normal, right?

Carlisle goes to stand in a corner and breathe in a paper bag.

Carlisle goes into emergency mode.

He gives Bella the pep talk of a lifetime and explains why the family left and what they were trying to accomplish with this. He gets the not so good details of exactly how Edward broke up with her. He returns to breathing in a bag.

Then he gets the phone call.

Alice... may have fucked up.

Edward didn't take the news well, he's decided to kill himself in Volterra, and the only way to stop him is if Bella Swan shows up to stop him in person.

Carlisle speed dials Aro, Aro is delighted to hear from his old friend, except that the conversation is Carlisle's stressed screaming. Carlisle gives Aro the fast version: he's made a coven, his son is coming to ask for assisted suicide, he has a human girlfriend (yes, Carlisle knows, no he doesn't like it, THAT'S NOT THE POINT, ARO) Carlisle asks, for the love of god, stall Aro and Carlisle will be there as soon as he can (yes, with the human girlfriend).

Aro is delighted at the prospect of seeing Carlisle but also a little weirded out. Alright, Carlisle, he'll pretend to humor this Edward and stall him.

So, Aro does, and he does it with magnificence. The throne room is filled with incense, Aro is back in Myceenaen garb, and the only light is from candles. The ambiance is spectacular.

While the Volturi will not assist Edward's suicide, they will grant him a wish, should he pass through the Volturi's three trials. Only then will he be worthy of the highest and most ancient honors.

Edward eats this up. HE IS READY FOR HIS TRIALS.

The first is a trial of strength, he must wrestle Caius and win. Well, unfortunately, he loses. Aro tells Caius that he has to let Edward win, if he gets too frustrated, there's no telling what this kid will do. Caius refuses to lose to this punk.

Aro has to bribe him.

This continues up until Carlisle and Bella finally arrive.

Carlisle gets to witness the madness that is Aro and Edward playing chess in this room filled with incense and candles. Aro abruptly calls everything off and gives the three some privacy.

Carlisle has had the world's worst day and lays into Edward. Edward's processing Bella's alive, human, and that nothing is going his way. It's a giant mess.

Aro returns and goes, "So, onto the real trouble, Bella Swan is human."

Unfortunately, Alice isn't there with them, so Aro doesn't have his out. Aro concludes that Bella Swan will be turned in Italy, though she may leave afterwards with Carlisle and Edward.

As for this Victoria situation, well, Aro and associates will keep an eye on it.

Edward loses his shit. With Carlisle right there. Carlisle gets to witness Edward's Full Edward mental breakdown.

It's a disaster and the flight home from Volterra is the most awkward thing in the world.

However, because the law was enacted and Bella didn't return home human, Caius is much more appeased. He still doesn't like Carlisle, and certainly not Edward, but he's no longer concerned Aro lacks the will to enforce his own laws.

The plot of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn do not happen.

Bella and Edward likely do not end up together, as Edward is eaten alive by guilt at having been responsible for Bella now being a vampire. This makes Bella miserable, but such is life.

At least she's a Cullen now.

[esoanem]

I.

“Let me tell you a story, about a Spaniard named Vasquez...”

Following this fantastic video essay by Rowan Ellis (contains spoilers for the entire show), I am currently rewatching Black Sails. The first season has a slightly different tone from the rest of the show and, in particular, has a major sexual assault storyline. I know several people who have been put off from watching the show as a result

So, with that in mind, I’m gonna give summaries and content notes for the episodes of the first season as well as timestamps of any scenes with particular content people may want to avoid. Hopefully this information can allow people to either skip those scenes or, read the summaries of these episodes and skip them entirely

Anyway, this post is about the very first episode

Major Content Notes:

Violence: some bloody violence, shot fairly brutally

Wikipedia Synopsis:

John Silver joins Captain Flint's crew as his ship's new cook whilst secretly holding a highly valuable page of the Captain's Log, which he takes from the first cook, who had stolen it from the captain himself. Meanwhile, Captain Flint faces a potential mutiny from his crew and must work to secure their support. The Captain recruits his first mate Billy Bones' help to overthrow the mutineer's leader, Singleton. Meanwhile, Eleanor Guthrie tries to keep order on the lawless island of New Providence conducting her father's business, as the Royal Navy's suspicions of the pirates grow stronger.

There’s quite a lot going on in this episode, with several speeches establishing important themes, because it has to establish all the major players, and most of their relationships, so the summary is actually quite a long (albeit quite condensed from my 8 pages of notes). Below the cut are the timestamps of any scenes requiring any of the major content notes, and then the summary (which includes all the events of the episode)

Timestamps:

All timestamps are from the “Complete Collection” DVDs which includes a Starz logo at the start. Depending on your source, timestamps may vary a little, which is why I’ve included the timestamp for the opening titles. Timestamps are only given for the start and end of scenes featuring any particularly warning-worthy content

06:30: opening titles

56:23-60:30: Flint & Singleton’s fight. The violence here is pretty brutal & bloody, moreso than most of the rest of the series

Summary:

1715 West Indies

The Pirates of New Providence Island threaten maritime trade in the region

The laws of every civilized nation declare them hostis humani generis. Enemies of all mankind

In response, the pirates adhere to a doctrine of their own… war against the world

A merchant ship is attacked by Captain James Flint’s pirates on the Walrus. During the attack, the cook steals a page from a logbook, and ends up barricaded in a compartment with the coward John Silver (below). The cook plans to joint the pirates after the fight, saying a good cook is always in demand. Silver spots the pouch the page is hidden in, causing the cook to draw his sword

The rest of the crew barricade in a separate room, but eventually the pirates break in, defeat them and the pirate captain, Flint (below), gets the merchant Captain to surrender

The quartermaster Hal Gates (below) walks through the merchant ship assessing the prize as the crew breaks down the door to Silver’s compartment, in which he finds the cook dead, stabbed in the back, Silver claims to be a very good cook and asks to join

On the deck, Singleton (below, and also pictured in the background of Flint’s picture) is giving a speech to the captured merchant sailors, appealing to their sense of class consciousness

"Now that the fight is over, you have nothing more to fear from us today. Because we know this fight was not of your making, it was the choice of our true enemy, your true enemy, the tyrant captain. Many of us once sailed on ships like this one, we know what it is to be slaves to his whims, his violence, his shit wages! His insufferable stupidity! So we’ve made for ourselves a different life, where we don’t rely on wages”

The accountant Dufresne (below, note that he is played by a different actor as his original actor sadly died after the filming of the first season) assesses the prize as barely covering their costs and, after four prizes in a row with little profit, Gates is concerned about dissent in the crew, and that Singleton is angling for the captaincy

Flint and Gates appear conspiratorial over the logbook, saying it proves that this is the ship, but Gates quickly spots the missing page, the schedule, without which the logbook isn’t very useful in leading them to the greater prize

“let me see if I have this right. This is the fourth prize in a row from which the profits will barely exceed the expenses it took to win it, Singleton’s out there trying to convince your crew to torture that poor bastard of a captain simply because he hasn’t worked out how to get them to do it to you, but all’s well, because you’ve discovered, that the information we can’t tell anyone we’re looking for, exists on a page, that we don’t have“

A Royal Navy Man-o-War, the Scarborough is spotted (unusual seeing as she’s based in Boston), and the Walrus leaves behind the merchant ship so it can get away

Belowdecks, the Bosun, Billy Bones (above) introduces Silver to Randall (below), who used to be the Bosun before him, before he was beaten to within an inch of his life and “lost his wits, but not their loyalty”. Randall is mistrustful of Silver, apparently because he feels like Silver is replacing him. Billy emphasises the equality of the pirate ship, that everyone should get the same food, including the captain & quartermaster

Gates tells Flint that Singleton plans to replace him, and now has the votes to do so. Flint tries to manipulate Gates into blaming himself, even though the crew’s poor morale is due to Flint’s seemingly poor choice of prizes to chases. Flint says that with a few more days, the schedule could be reconstructed from the logbook, but he’ll need a favour from Richard Guthrie who is responsible for selling all the goods the pirates steal. When Gates is skeptical that Guthrie will help them, Flint says they’ll just go back to normal and pretend none of this ever happened & Gates calls him out for lying

The Walrus arrives in Nassau, and the crew go ashore (below). One of the pirates tells Silver that it used to be English, now it isn’t, and that now it’s “ours”. Gates tells Billy that Flint is going to ask Guthrie for a favour and is likely to react badly when he refuses, and tells Billy to go with him and, when the time comes, restrain him, so they don’t lose Guthrie’s business. As Silver is unloading the cargo, he notices one of the logbooks is not among them and deduces the page must be from the missing volume and is in Flint’s quarters

Silver then gets hazed. He is accosted and told he needs to see Blackbeard, who “meets the new ones, no exceptions”. When thrust into a smoky room he’s told contains Blackbeard, he realises that the person in the throne is not, in fact, the pirate Edward Teach, but rather a prostitute. When he questions this, she opens her coat, revealing a large black bush. The pirates laugh, tell him to yell if he gets lost in there, and close the doors. As Silver is stripped, and has sex with the five prostitutes, he keeps glancing for the page that has fallen out of his clothes

Gates goes to speak to Eleanor Guthrie (below, left), in her tavern. She is introduced berating a captain for being scared of the mere whiff of the Navy rather than going for profit, and clapping back at a drunk pirate telling her to fuck herself. Gates warns Eleanor & her right-hand man, the former slave, Mr Scott (below, right) about Singleton’s plan to take over, and asks for a loan to buy the crew’s loyalty. Eleanor eventually agrees, but Mr Scott chides her, saying that he doesn’t think her father would approve

Max (below), one of the prostitutes from Silver’s hazing pours some tea as he scrambles for the page, which she already found, having noticed that despite having “a whore for every finger on your hand, but your eyes kept drifting to this”. Realising it’s valuable, but that Silver doesn’t know anyone to sell it to, she offers to act as a middle-man, in exchange for half

Gates enters a tent with several of the black pirates and negotiates with the eldest of them, who he knows the rest will follow, to buy their votes. Despite having spent the entirety of Eleanor’s loan on other sections of the crew, he persuades them to side with him in exchange for payment taken out of the next prize. Unfortunately for him, Jack Rackham (below) spots him and tells Singleton that Gates has been buying votes

Silver sneaks into Flint’s cabin aboard the ship with Max waiting in a rowing boat, where he finds the logbook and matches the page to it, but disturbs a feather Flint had left

Meanwhile, Flint has his meeting with Richard Guthrie (below), explaining his plan, how he heard of it, how the logbook confirms his lead, and that he needs Guthrie’s contacts to reconstruct the schedule

“Let me tell you a story, about a Spaniard named Vasquez. A few weeks ago, he staggers into a tavern in port royal, takes a seat next to an English merchant captain. Vasquez, it turns out, is dying, bleeding to death from a knife wound to the belly. The knife wound was courtesy of his former employer la Casa de Contratacion in Seville”

“Colonial Intelligence?”

“Navy, more specifically. One of the top agents in the Americas, responsible for the security of one particular ship, a ship with a cargo so rich, the king of Spain is very anxious to see it launched. Vasquez warned that it was too late, storm season was upon them and no escort could be mustered to guard her, but his superiors demanded that he sign off. They advised him that if he couldn’t arrange for an escort, he should plot a course unknown to anyone but our captain, and consider that route to be a state secret of the highest order. When Vasquez refused and threatened to report his concerns to the court things got ugly. The ship in question? Urca de Lima. The largest Spanish treasure galleon in the Americas. According to Vasquez, total cargo in excess of 5 million dollars”

Guthrie refuses to help, saying that the ship is heavily armed even without an escort, and that even making enquiries would jeopardise his standing with the Spanish. Flint twists his arm and goes to break his fingers, asking Billy to threaten Guthrie with his pistol, but Billy instead aims it at Flint

They hear a commotion outside, it’s the British! Captain Hume of the Scarborough to be precise. Billy, Flint, & Guthrie have all returned to their positions to maintain the pretence of respectability, but Hume isn’t buying it treating us to his pontifications on the relationship between gossip and civilisation, and attempts to take them all into custody. Flint & Billy resist, defeating the Navy men, but Guthrie is shot in the shoulder

“Tell me something, Mr Guthrie. Do you have gossip here?

“Gossip?”

“I’ve often wondered if it can survive in so remote a location. You see gossip is what holds civilisation together. It reinforces shame, and without shame, well, the world is a very dangerous place”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand”

“Do you know what the gossip is in London about you? The gossip is that you make your profits selling ill-gotten cargo, stolen by the pirates of Providence Island”

Singleton confronts the leader of the black pirates about his change of heart. When they refuse to change back to his side, Anne Bonny (below right) appears together with Jack Rackham and she kills them

Before the leader is killed, Captain Charles Vane (below) comes out of the shadows too

Gates tells Mr Scott & Eleanor that he’s secured the votes, only to be told by one of the remaining black pirates that their leader was killed, and his last words were “Vane”. Eleanor decides to do something about Vane

Jack, Anne, & Vane are drinking in a brothel, and discuss their plan. Singleton will become captain, fail at it, and the skilled hands will then defect to their crew. We also find out that Jack & Anne are fucking. At this point, Eleanor storms in, and punches Vane. He punches her back and then offers her a hand to help her get back up. He follows her as she goes to clean up. She explains that he’s fucked her over, and we find out he used to love her and, despite grabbing her face, he still tucks her hair behind her ears suggesting conflicted feelings about that. She threatens to cut him off from selling goods, but vane points out that her father is the one who buys the goods, and he’ll always choose profits over daughters

Max sees that Eleanor has been hit, and leads Eleanor to her bedroom, hand-in-hand. She correctly guesses that Vane is the one who hit her and, when Eleanor blames herself she scoffs at it. She nurses Eleanor, they kiss, and then have sex

Flint & Billy sail away from Mr Guthrie’s mansion, with his pale, unconscious body. Flint strips Guthrie’s rings & wig, and explains that he plans to hide Mr Guthrie, so as to avoid panicking the crew when they find out their fence is burnt

Billy calls out Flint’s constant lying, and wonders if maybe Singleton is right, and they do need a change. This causes Flint to move aggressively towards Billy, but he puts his sword between them forcing Flint to keep his distance. 

“War is coming, one ship is not the war. When a king brands us pirates, he doesn’t mean to make us adversaries, he doesn’t mean to make us criminals, he means to make us monsters, for that’s the only way his god-fearing taxpaying subjects can make sense of men who keep what is theirs and fear no-one. When I say there’s a war coming, I don’t mean with the Scarborough, I don’t mean with King George, or England. Civilisation is coming, and it means to exterminate us. If we are to survive, we must unite behind our own king”

“We have no kings here”

“I am your king”

Flint tells Gates about Guthrie, and finds out that whilst they were gone, Singleton has called a council to vote on him taking the captaincy. Flint takes a moment in his cabin and, whilst flinging some furniture, notices the feather Silver had disturbed

Taking the logbook to the council, Flint tells them of his plan, and accuses Singleton of having stolen the schedule from the logbook

"I’m sorry. For the short hauls. For the trouble I’ve caused. But most importantly, for the disregard it seems I’ve shown you

“The most important element of a healthy ship is trust. Trust between men. Trust between captain and crew. Without it, a ship is doomed

“For the past few months, you and I have been on the trail of a prize so rich, it could upset the very nature of our world. And for that reason, I felt it necessary to keep it secret

“I didn’t trust you. And that was my mistake. Right now I would like to tell you that prize is within our grasp and we are close, so close. But it would appear that my concerns about secrecy had merit

“Someone on this crew discovered my plans. And tore from this log the very page necessary to discover that prize. Stole it for their own gain. Stole it from us. And then, stoked your resentment to cover his crime, and make himself your captain”

Obviously, Singleton is confused, and protests that he doesn’t know anything about this. Gates points out that this is a serious accusation, thievery being punishable by death, and a false accusation likewise. Per the articles of the ship, Singleton must either submit to a trial (with Gates as judge, who Singleton does not consider would be impartial), or they can settle it by sword

This fight is analysed in a lot of detail by Matt Easton (a historical fencing instructor, well versed in military sabre of the late 19th and late 18th centuries, so only shortly after the period of the show) here (may contain spoilers for later in the show, I don’t remember). Flint has good form, and is clearly well-trained, but Singleton is stronger, tougher, and more ferocious, easily gaining the upper hand

There is some back and forth, with Flint temporarily gaining the advantage, before losing it again, ending up injured and covered in blood. He is finally able to grab a cannonball and smash Singleton on the head, before crawling over him and beating him to death in front of a shocked crew

Flint produces a piece of paper, seemingly from Singleton’s bloody corpse, and offers it to Billy (seeing this page, Silver confirms that he does in fact still have the real page). Billy opens it, sees that it’s a completely blank page, but as Flint coolly holds his gaze tells the crew that it is in fact the stolen schedule

“Friends, brothers, the prize that you and I have been pursuing, is l’Urca de Lima, the hulk, a prize of almost unimaginable value, now with this page securely in our possession, we can begin our hunt, and we will succeed, no matter the cost, no matter the struggle, I will see that prize is yours, I’m not just going to make you rich, I’m not just going to make you strong, I’m going to make you the princes of the new world!”

The crew all cheer whilst Billy, Gates, and Silver, who all know that this page is not real look on in disbelief

Max is called from her room, where we see Eleanor sleeping naked on the bed by Idelle, one of the other prostitutes. She goes down to meet Jack & Anne and, sitting on his lap (which Anne does not like), tells them she has something she thinks they may want to buy