#meanwhile duke is freaking the FUCK out

[glow-worms-are-believers]

Return to sender (dc x dp)

There was a box set right in front of his door. That was already pretty unusual, since Danny had just moved in, and and gotten done with boxes and he knew he hadn't had anything delivered here.

"Let's get you inside," Danny muttered as he got his key out of his pocket.

Unlocking the door, he picked it up and made his way in. He set the box down on the small kitchen table before grabbing a knife from the cabinet. He sat down and set to cutting the tape along the opening.

Peeling back the flaps, he took a peek at the contents only to be faced with a mound of yellow and black sparkly tissue paper, with a letter on top.

"What do we have here?" he muttered to himself, as he took the envelope out of the box.

Ripping it open, he got a small greeting card out. It had a yellow smiley face on it with the word "Smile!" printed above it. He flipped it open, and his eyes fixed on the printed text that said "Because today is your day!" Underneath it, written in chicken-scratch was written the following: "Looks like the bat has a new signal. At least mommy and daddy won't know how fast you replaced them!" it was signed with a simple J and yet another smiley face.

Danny frowned. "Weird."

Then, he peeled back the paper to find a taxidermied yellow-and-black bird Danny couldn't recognize, with its wings broken.

"This is definitely not mine," Danny said as he looked at the bird. Hopefully the real owner of this wasn't going to be too disappointed it had been this damaged in transit.

Danny took up the box to look at the delivery address, only to find that while this was for his apartment, the name of the receiver was marked as "Duke Marlon Thomas". It took one quick google search to find a phone number. Danny thanked whoever the sender was for including a middle name as it narrowed the search greatly. Dialling the number, Danny got up to get himself a glass of water. As he got the glass out, the line connected.

"Hello?" he heard a surprisingly young voice say. Well, assuming apparently made an ass of Danny. Maybe taxidermy really did appeal to all ages.

"Hi, my name's Danny. I think I got your package by accident."

"My package?" The guy on the other side asked, perplexdely.

"Yeah, a big box with a bird in it?" Danny answered. "Listen, man I'm sorry, I think the wings broke during transit, I swear it was already like that when I opened it-"

"What bird?" Now the guy sounded even more confused.

Well now, Danny was starting to get confused. "A taxidermied black-and-yellow bird?" Danny sounded out, then he grabbed the note and let his eyes go over it again. "There was a note too, I opened it, sorry about that." Danny winced, before trying for a joke to hopefully get the guy to soften up on him. "Whoever that J- friend is, he's got a weird sense of humour."

"J- friend?" the voice on the other side of the phone said. Guess, the joke hadn't gone over well, because his voice had gone tense.

"Yeah," Danny answered withholding a sigh, damn his curiosity. Opening other people' letters was not only a gross invasion of privacy but also a federal crime. Hopefully the guy wouldn't stay mad too long. "It was signed with the letter J and a smiley face."

"Whoever you are," said the guy, and the urgency in his voice had Danny straightening up. "You need to get out of here right now."

"What-?"

Just then, the door to Danny's apartment was blown open.

"I hope you're ready, birdie," a voice outside sounded, before a spindly man in a purple suit, green hair and sickly-looking skin walked in.

"Because you and me are going to have so much fun."

[innytoes]

Headcanons for a Rulie or Peterpatterlina (or both??) Time Traveler AU?

-Luke and Reggie are Time Traveling Pirates, basically. Except they don't really steal valuables or stuff, but Music Vibes. Basically the Time Travel Cops leave them alone because they're good at blending in and the worst they do is crash concerts. (Which they pay for. With money. That they may or may not make illegally but it's such small potatoes that it's like whatever.)

-Luke comes from the year 2401. He ran away from home and into the damn timestream. He slummed around the 1990s a lot, then popped back to the 1950s, where he picked up Reggie.

-Reggie who dresses like a greaser but reads paperback sci-fi novels in secret. Who keeps messing up his dates because he actually wants to listen to the speech at the planetarium instead of making out when the lights go down. Who soups up his friend Bobby's car for drag races because he likes Science Stuff and figures out ways to make it go faster.

Reggie who makes the most beautiful soulful music Luke has ever heard.

-Of course when Luke tells Reggie about time travel, he is both excited and worried Luke is some jock's friend trying to prank him.

-So Luke takes him to the few years flying cars were functional but not yet regulated to death. And then, per his request, to see some dinosaurs. And to watch the moon landing on TV. And the Mars Landing. And anywhere else he wants to go. And they make out in a few planetariums along the way, but only after sneaking in after hours and listening to the whole pre-recorded speech first.

-They find Julie in medieval times. There was a big Lute Revival during the plague of 2114 (kind of like our pandemic Sea Shanties), so Luke wanted to hear some of the real thing.

-Julie who wishes she could be a musician, but she's supposed to be a Lady, a Wife, a Mother. Julie who misses her mother so much and wants to run away from everything. Who is resisting meeting all the fancy Dukes and Marquis and whatever her aunt keeps trying to set her up with before she's considered an Old Maid.

-Reggie accidentally nearly gets run over by Carlos during his riding lessons and him and Ray take him back to the castle to fix him up. Luke has to freaking sneak into the castle to find him and accidentally stumbles upon Julie singing and playing instead, and he kind of... gets sidetracked.

Look Reggie will understand. That girl has the voice of an angel.

-Meanwhile Ray is tending to Reggie and worried the poor lad hit his head because what he's saying doesn't make sense. (Reggie wishes he'd read more historical novels before they went here because he keeps fucking up, and it's hard to lie to Ray who is so nice and fatherly and gentle with him that he wants to Cry.)

-In the end, Reggie comes clean and Luke and Julie fall in love and then there's this awkward moment where Julie tries to tell her dad about Luke and Ray tries to tell the kids about Reggie and it ends with Luke and Reggie staying for a few months and falling in love with Julie.

-And Ray realises his daughter has a chance to be truly happy with them. The places Reggie and Luke speak of, the times where women can do what they want, be what they want... it's not hard to let her go. But they have to promise to visit once a year.

-Just Luke and Reggie and Julie traveling through time and exploring music of all time periods and getting weirdly invested in silly music trends (Luke regrets introducing them both to Disco) and having fun.

-Maybe they pick up and Alex (college student from 2222) and Willie (17th century pirate) along the way.

-It was a mistake to introduce Willie to hoverboards. (Or WAS IT?)

[coffin-comforts]

Okay so I know not a ton of people follow me but I want advice. I’m writing some lesbian vampire whump/ dark romance with some themes around societal isolation. The main duo are a mostly suave and cool but secretly neurotic, erratic, and possessive Duchess Anastasia Volkov (the lack of -a suffix is intentional) who as a child frequently tried to run away from her abusive homophobic parents where she ran into Elizaveta, the bakers daughter who was a few years older than her. Elizaveta was incredibly kind and understanding and would offer harbor her or at least give Anastasia some food even though there was risk of angering her father the Duke.

They last saw eachother with Anastasia was like 12 and Elizaveta was 16. The bad environment, social isolation, and frankly some entitlement due to classism kinda stunted Anastasia as a person, making her kind of cold and bitter towards most people but then prone to fits of outrage or obsession. She turned to occultism and eventually made a pact with a demon that would give her the strength to allow her title autonomy. As a result she became a vampire and killed her parents. In the meantime Elizaveta who is someone who constantly values herself by what she gives to her community kinda befell a conga line of hardships where her mother started to get sick with age, her father died, she got married, miscarried and couldn’t have kids which made her husband become kind of an ass and leave her, she started to get kind of sick from stress and overwork, just everything going to shit. Despite all of this she kind of copes by never sitting down and relaxing and allowing herself to be in her own head and being aggressively optimistic and trying to caretake everyone.

So after killing her parents and brooding Anastasia comes down from her little haunted depression nest castle. Looking for Elizaveta, having become kind of obsessively in love with her due to the shame and isolation and being a duchess and now a powerful vampire who kind of otherwise gets what she wants causing her to develop a deeply poor sense of relationship boundaries, and also she kind of sees her as a savior and wants to be that back for her. So she sees that Elizaveta is struggling hard stalks her for a while in disguise and then kidnaps her and her mom “for her own good” “so she can take care of her”.

Firstly, does this sound interesting at all? Secondly I’m debating making a love triangle, cause I have predictable taste, with a butch hunter lady who also dealt with a lot of societal rejection and as a result is like “fuck it I’m going to become a hunter in the woods so I can be angry and butch in peace and that way the only time people talk to me is when they need something and so they’re in the disadvantaged position”. And she sees Anastasia draining a boat or something, freaks out, also finds out she kidnapped Elizaveta and keeps trying to break in to get her out. Meanwhile Elizaveta feels conflicted because she did NOT want to be kidnapped obviously but also it’s nice to have her expenses and her mom be taken care of, and she wants to fix this terrible creepy castle, and goddamnit no one asks her what she wants! So yeah love triangle or no?

[nyerusnova]

Honestly yeah, the Waynes are incomprehensibly rich and very importantly, that wealth is incredibly diversified. They have their hands in everything -- from medicine/pharmaceuticals/hospitals to bleeding-edge technology and alien tech research. This helps comic writers solve issues like magically manufacturing a cure overnight to a deadly virus (Contagion) and shit. But it also means the Waynes have basically unimpeded access to whatever they want. Again, useful as a deus ex machina in fantasy comic book stories but like, yeah. It's really hard to wrap your head around what that means, practically speaking.

And I wanted to mention about the kids real quick, starting with Tim: he was from a respectable high-society family, in that the Drakes were originally millionaires as well. They lost their fortune (thanks to Cataclysm), and so I'm sure there's people who still look at Tim as a "charity case" like all of Bruce's other children, but he did have the pedigree -- until the fall from grace. Of them all, he's probably snubbed the least because he checks off most of the requirements -- especially since he knows how to "manage" rich people well.

In comparison, Dick was a circus kid, and Jason was a street kid! So definitely caused some rich people to faint hearing that Bruce Wayne took them in and named them heirs. But "at least" they're like, white lol. (I know Romani Dick is a popular headcanon, though, but speaking strictly of canon he is not.) (Edit: Dick is canonically Romani as of Secret Origins #8 (2015)! Might have been mentioned elsewhere earlier, as well.) I don't actually know if Jason is even on paper "alive" in current canon, or if he's just a ghost on the record and prefers it that way because he can be under the radar. He certainly doesn't want any of the Wayne fortune, though it is available to him. (I think he'd rather take his money from other crime bosses lkgjgflkhjf.)

Then you have Cassandra, who is Asian and has a speech impairment, and like never attends any high-society gathering. The absolute shock and horror! This girl has access to the Wayne fortune?! Meanwhile, Damian's ties to the al Ghuls is probably kept rather under wraps (I'm not 100% sure about this) because of how dangerous it would be, honestly. Like I'm not certain most civilians -- rich or otherwise -- know of Ra's that well because if you do, then you're probably a pawn in his game which is not great. So Damian's probably making some rich white people nervous as fuck as well because "where the heck did he come from?!" And though Duke was not adopted in current continuity (there are some where he is maybe), he was fostered for a short while which probably freaked people out for sure lmao.

Also as other people have mentioned in the notes: Bruce plucking up these kids -- most of whom are older, and "un-adoptable" by society's standards -- and giving them access to this unimaginable wealth is so great. And before anyone says that he only does it because those kids want to join his crusade and fight crime too: I need to impress upon ya'll that Bruce Wayne would sink to his knees and weep with relief and then break out the champagne if any one of his kids said "nah, I think I'll go college actually." Those kids all bullied their way into a life of vigilantism, Bruce is just trying to keep them from getting themselves killed. (He's only failed once.)

And anyway, I think it's very neat that anyone who knows who the Waynes are in the superhero community can just like.... Ask for help with basically anything (non-magic related or whatever), and the Waynes would be happy to throw money at it until it goes away for you. They have enough, and they don't hesitate to use it to help out lmao.

I always wonder whether Batfam fans really get just how fucking rich the Waynes are. Like of course we shy away from thinking about the fact that we're talking Musk and Bezos money, and focus on how Bruce funds the freaking Watchtower and has what is functionally a high-tech military base and lab and the world's most expensive vehicles. But this is the one time you don't have to factor in the implications of wealth-hoarding, so there's nothing preventing y'all from understanding exactly how much money we're talking about here.

For instance, there doesn't seem to be any concept of how palatial Wayne Manor is, simply going by the outer facades of it that appear in the comics and movies. Or how decadent the lifestyles that accompany that kind of ancestral home. Alfred couldn't run that place on his own even if he had super powers, which is why even the movies occasionally show a rotating probably-temporary staff in the background. The house probably has like 3 hundred-foot pools. Their garden is a protected heritage park.

The Waynes are 10x richer than Crazy Rich Asians. They buy and wear the jewelry worth hundreds of millions that belonged to royalty. They own private islands. The art in the house alone is worth more than the GDP of a small country. They went to school with like every US President since Teddy Roosevelt and still think the Rockefellers are new money. They're personal friends with Beyonce and can get her to perform at private parties. They can rent out an entire three-star Michelin restaurant and fly out to one for every date. They have top-line penthouse apartments in every major city in the world. They can buy a luxury sportscar instead of hiring a vehicle anywhere they visit and then just toss the keys to the nearest person on their way out (Arab royalty is known for this appearently. There's been some very lucky parking valets in the UAE iirc).

Bruce is as rich as Ra's Al Ghul, regularly make social calls to heads of state and his family has a history of being king-makers. Every one of Bruce's children, from Dick to Jason to Cass, is poised to inherit one of the largest and most powerful fortunes in the world. That means every time Bruce adopts an orphan off god-knows-where, the entire global elite is thrown into consternation and horror. Even Tim is barely acceptable to these people because he doesn't have the pedigree. I don't follow the reboot comics so Idk if Duke is adopted, but it would be so fucking funny if he was because they'd react a lot like the British establishment did to Meghan Markle (except the family and WE would have Duke's back completely). As for Damian, the fact that he's not white would get him snubbed if everyone who's anyone didn't 100% know who Ra's Al Ghul is. And they're fucking terrified because, for maximum hilarity, they probably figure that Bruce doesn't.

I just find it incredibly fucking funny when I'm reading fics that the writers can only imagine Bruce and the kids's civilian privileges extend only to "big house", "a lot of cars" and "Gotham famous". Lol. Lmao even.

[successionmanga]

Chapter 39

A few days ago in Vieze Kamino, Tenko straight up jumped Linna.

Meanwhile, everyone is listening to Eco play the medieval equivalent of "WAP" at the banquet. Belca wonders if it's alright to take the Hokulea back with him to the Stone Capital; sure, they're accepted in Kamino but they're called Amontel back home. The Hokulea are the only ones who can administer the cure properly; if it was a matter of following a treatment plan, this wouldn't be a problem. He tries to ask Tenko for advice...but Tenko isn't there. Discovering Linna isn't there either, he runs out to find them.

Linna is fighting off Tenko to the best of his ability but he's quickly disarmed. Tenko says it's a shame he's not at full health or they might have had a better fight. Belca sees them and freaks out while Tenko asks Linna why he doesn't stay in Kamino to heal himself. He can't protect Belca like that. Linna says he swore he would always be by Belca's side but Tenko says in Linna's current state, he's a liability. Belca's gonna care about him even if he's not with him; he's soft like that. Tenko then makes Linna Belca's First Squire; not a fancy position but should give Linna what he wants. Tenko himself is content being a specter of Hector's will. He warns Linna not to become like him. Belca sneaks off after hearing all that.

At the Tein Dukedom Lobnec in the Eastern Highlands City Wilhem, the couriers are delivering medicine! At the Southwest, at the Lobnec Taine Villa, a lord says he hasn't given permission for that. At the Ruebelli Dukedom, territory of the Theon Government, the lady there is mad too. She explains how royalty works, from earls to dukes to viceroys (Cheat Sheet: Kings-Presidents, Viceroys-Senators, Earls-Mayors).

At the Orbus Dukedom Rondalea, in Duke Orbus' Villa, Orbus thinks that Kiliko is behind the medicine thing and he's panicking because he might lost control of Orcelito. Now Orbus definitely needs Belca on his side. Good news for him: his niece is coming over. Better news: a spy in the castle says that Orcelito and Kiliko (The Girls) are fighting...

Meanwhile, Musca is eating while worrying about her mercenary career. The head maid arrives to take her away and tell her that Musca will go to Shez Villa. Musca asks if Orcelito will go with her but the head maid tells her that he will be heading there for one day only the day before. Musca says she doesn't want to go and the head maid coldly tells her that it's already been decided. Musca throws a tantrum and the head maid reminds her that she promised she would behave if she taught her how to read. Musca ignores her and the head maid says if she keeps disobeying her, her promises will mean nothing. Musca tells her to fuck off and she'll do what she wants. The head maid snaps and says she's been getting in trouble for Musca screwing up and that she'll be executed if Musca keeps it up. Musca finally calms down, saying she doesn't like the maid but that doesn't mean she deserves to die on her account. She'll protest within reason...like a lady.

In Orcelito's room, Kiliko is gloating over his plan working and leaves telling Orcelito the books he's trying to research are being recovered and saved.

Musca and her lady-in-waiting (Head Maid) bribe another maid so that they can scheme. While out, the lady-in-waiting is confused when they bump into another maid who has jewelry...and can read...

On horseback, Belca catches up to Eco and the old man, everybody riding to the Stone Capital to take on the army. They leave Rondelea to approach the border.

Lord Orbus is about to set sail on his boat only for him to stopped by one of his messengers. Duke Melfar has been caught in a landslide and is missing! End chapter!

[what-gs-watching]

"You're a dark horse, Mr. Fell."

Ok so. I just started my third trip into Good Omens season 2 (it's unhealthy, I swear I'll put it down after this re-watch. Probably). And episode 1 is becoming one of my favorites. 

Like yeah setting up the plot for the season, blah blah blah. But it's all about the little stuff in this episode, gang.

Opening on Crowley as an angel, creating the entire effing universe? THAT'S his meet-cute with Az? Swoon. The crazy bouncy curly hair, his excitement about his cute little nebulas, his disappointment when he hears the universe isn't supposed to run very long after all, his insistence that asking a couple of questions can't hurt. Angel Crowley is all of us. And the move he makes to cover Az with his wing? Like. 😭

The entire thing is about their relationship. I went into the season blind, didn't have any spoilers or thoughts about what I wanted it to be really but like HELLO YES it has to be about their relationship. Which I remember thinking during season 1 was super cute and that's as far as I went. Because I was dumb back then? Or distracted by my love of David Tennant (second favorite Doctor, gang. You can wrench Matt Smith from my cold, dead hands, try me). But like shit, I didn't know what I needed.

So anyway "The archangel fucking Gabriel" (now Jim, long for James and also Grabriel) showing up naked with a weird box, ok yeah he's gonna cause some problems but what really matters is that Aziraphale calls Crowley (after he freaks out when Gabriel says he didn't know anything but felt like everything would be okay if he was just with one person, and did Aziraphale know what that felt like?! Spoiler: he absolutely does) and Crowley rushes over and gets uppity because they can't go into the bookshop.

Describing all of the reasons Aziraphale calls him, which y'all, the reasons he lists are literally everything. So he calls you for everything. And then the look when he hears there's a naked man in the shop. YOUR FACE IS COVERED IN SUNGLASSES, how can we still know the fucking look you're giving? It's so perfect. My boy is jealous. And more than a little intrigued. He knows Az is a dark horse.

Back to Jim I guess but whatever the important thing is Crowley's reaction to being him there and the little fight that ensues. I love "I feel like your exactly and my exactly are different exactlys" because that's the ENTIRE POINT of the season like you two are not saying the same goddamn thing and neither of you care to figure that out. THEY'RE DIFFERENT EXACTLYS. Every time that it matters.

Everyone's favorite demon is very upset that the 'fragile existence he's carved out for himself' is being threatened and sweet little Aziraphale says he thought that they carved it out for 'ourselves'. Crowley's "SO DID I" with the flashing eyes is just...because like YO that's what y'all need to be facing up to, LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT. But then he storms out, the drama queen. He was "at liberty to go". Would have been a perfect time to tell Az all about how Gabriel had wanted him to "shut his stupid mouth and die" but like, nah it's okay, that isn't information he needs to know like it's all good. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Let's stalk off with a sexy flourish instead.

Meanwhile, I guess, there's also another demon that's taken over Crowley's post that he deals with sometimes, and he's living in his car (because obviously he didn't bother to tell Az about it situation which is infuriating) and then he gets pulled down to hell by Beezlebub who tells him Gabriel is missing (whoops) and that if he can help find him, he can be a duke of hell. Ya boy ain't interested. But he does know that Az has fucked up their shit again, with his bleeding heart routine. Though in the angel's defense, he didn't see Grabriel try to murder him in hellfire. AGAIN, though, totally don't need to mention that.

But y'all, the entire point of the episode. For me, anyway. Is:

1.) 'Good ol' fashioned loverboy' playing in the Bentley as Crowley rushes back to the bookshop. Dining at the ritz, we'll meet at nine [...] just take me back to yours, that will be fine...

2.) The mother-effing apology dance. I have so many questions. and I loveeeeee it.

Aziraphale says he's done the dance in 1650, 1793, 1941 (we gon' talk about THAT later, folks) and so I need to know like, everything.

WHO INVENTED IT. WHO DID IT FIRST. HAS CROWLEY EVER DONE IT BEFORE THIS? DO THEY NOT REALIZE HAVING THIS SWEET LITTLE RITUAL BETWEEN THEM IS LIKE, PEAK RELATIONSHIP SHIT.

Side rant: There's an outtake where Michael Sheen makes David Tennant do the dance again just so he can hold up a scorecard at the end, giving the man a 7, soo now pretty much I'm obsessed with their friendship also.

Ugh. The entire thing is so perfectly heartwarming 💜 The way Aziraphale gets up and straightens his vest and gives the proper attention before it starts and then just says "very nice" and it's forgotten. And how he pretends to be busy when Crowley bursts in. Makes him ding the bell and everything. He knew Crowley was gonna come around, because that man is nothing but dependable (for him, anyway. Crowley loves to rescue him - but that's an entirely separate post. Like, a real big one). Kid really is a dark horse.

And then, to top it all off, after Crowley has properly apologized, they attempt to do a tiny little half-a-miracle to hide Jim-James-Gabriel and they're all pleased with themselves that it worked. But JK it was powerful. Which has some many implications like, I can't. And that's also probably another post. Because this fucking show is nuanced. 

Doesn't matter. All I know is, I can watch Crowley properly apologize all day. ALL DAY. 

Basically, perfect episode. Ineffable husbands is exactly what we all needed. And it's gonna get real weird. 

[redrobin-detective]

What if everyone high-key believes that the Waynes are vampires?

The lot of them are inhumanly beautiful for one... Like downright gorgeous. They live in a fucking Gothic mansion in goddamn Gotham, the city where everyone would probably freak out if they ever got a single ray of sunshine. Bruce Wayne is so dramatic that he must be a vampire! Dick Grayson has this alluring sensuality about it, his movements just so graceful, same with Cass, acrobatics and ballet making sure that every single movement doesn't lack an ounce of grace and beauty. Jason Todd was dead and then ressurected? His aura is unsettling and there's something so eerie about him? Tim Drake doesn't seem to sleep? He's also inhumanly intelligent? And why does he always look like he knows more about you than you know yourself? Why does Damian Wayne talk like a Victorian royal? How did he escape from his kidnappers by himself and what happened to his kidnappers. They just disappeared? Who exactly is Stephanie Brown? Where did she come from? Why is Kate Kane so intimidating? Who are the Rows? Why is Barbara Gordon in the family portraits? Where did Duke Thomas come from? So many questions about the Waynes. But this is Gotham and aside from the Bats, the Waynes are the only reason it's still standing. So sometimes you see pictures of the Waynes at galas holding wine glasses that you aren't really sure are filled with red wine? Sometimes their eyes glow. Sometimes you feel that their butler has been there forever and doesn't seem to have changed. Sometimes you run into Tim Drake after midnight in a Wayne Enterprises hallway and you felt afraid. Sometimes Dick Grayson leaned into you and felt like your were hypnotized. But every Gothamite knows to avert your eyes and move on. Besides everyone knows that the Bats are demons because obviously Gotham is a Hellmouth(why do you think everything is so fucked up here?) And it's not like the average Gothamite is entirely sane either, what with the water over there? So if they can have a demonic coven guarding the night, why can't their daylight mascots be a vampire coven? Besides it fits with their aesthetic!

So everyone in Gotham ardently believes that the Waynes and their associates are vampires or something supernatural. Obviously Barbara Gordon is a Witch. Bruce Wayne's adoption tendencies are just an excuse to bring in the various Children he's turned through the ages. Dick Grayson and Cassandra Wayne are what happens when the Fae decide to do the do with the Nosferatu. If this combines with isolation au there's now an added element! Anyway I just wanted all of Gotham to look the other way when the Waynes do something distinctly vampiric. Meanwhile the Waynes are dumbasses.

I'm obsessed

Yeah Bruce Wayne and his family might be vampiric blood suckers but they do so much for charity and are hot so funny to read about in papers so yeah sure why not. Better than the creepy family of Bat people or whatever.

[sea-dukes-assistant]

Honestly, this is more of a surreal experience than anything else.  I guess, for me personally, it doesn’t feel tragic because I kinda figured this wasn’t long in coming after Sir had left.  

Sometimes you just get That Feeling, and I’d gotten it after someone posting that family had been notified.  So it’s like...you kinda had time to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.  I hate it for y’all that it was a waiting game; Sea Duke just up and left and that was that (very On Brand for him), so I understand the anxiety, ‘cause this fandom would freak the fuck out every time he had any medical issue at all (meanwhile I’m over here grinding my teeth ‘cause er’body be prematurely breaking down).

It’s weird, because I don’t have a deep emotional connection due to being ‘Merican, but to some degree it does kinda feel like something else is missing, and I think it’s ‘cause she’d made appearances in some of my trashy fetish therapy (yeah no, anon from the weekend, IT’S HORNY THERAPY) so...there’s a slight bond there?  I don’t know.  

I mean, I’m sat here, having known full well this would happen at some point in time, but like...holy shit I’m finna see a coronation.  The Brits are gonna do Brit things and I’m a bit excited for that, as unfortunate as the reason why is (I still maintain she wanted to get railed by her sexy piece of Royal Navy ass).

And that’s my thoughts at the moment.  I expect this will interrupt the quiet of my inbox, because the Grief Police be out there tryin’ to catch me blogging dirty and I can’t have nice things.   That being said, I will process this how I see fit.  You being in your feelings is not an excuse to scream at me.  If you’ve been here for more than a week, you know humor is how I cope with a lot of shit; it’s not Brand New Information.  

By the way I truly do hope you’re all getting better treatment than I got.  I do not say that cynically; I say that from my heart because it was some seriously fucked up shit/behavior that put me in the darkest place I’d ever been in my head, and y’all don’t deserve that.

[professionallydeadinside]

[2/2]

When Moreau mentioned that his second boyfriend is an outsider, Miranda went 'ohh, possible vessel?'

Miranda asked to meet Lover boy "Because I'm your mother and I need to make sure he could be a fitting vesse-PARTNER! Partner for my dear...son. Yes, that's it."

At the village Lover boy missplaced his glasses and now he's looking around for them. As I said before, a Lover boy without his glasses it's recipe for disaster for the others close to his vicinity. In his search, Lover boy ended up accidentaly setting several lycans on fire, Duke's carriage ended on top of the church's roof with a histerical goat inside and an impaled Angie on the horn of said goat. Meanwhile the Duke himself is stuck upsidedown in a well and a very distressed Donna is clinging for dear life on top of village's statue to desperatelly avoid the fire covered lycans that run like crazy everywhere.

After witnessing the madness she nopes the fuck out. "You can keep it. I wouldn't let that thing near my Eva's essence, LET ALONE bear it!!"

Giles took the glasses btw. He greatly enjoying the chaos around from afar.

"You're welcome btw. If it wasn't for me, that mad bich would have turned you into a freak of nature too...well, more than you already are."

Hahahaaa...I have a problem (ಥ_ಥ)

BRO HOW COULD I EVER IGNORE THIS YOU'RE MAKING BETTER IDEAS THEN ME???? DUDE IM STEALING THESE THEY'RE AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC,,,,,,

Ok so I absolutely adore how you've gotten so much just like,, spot on?? Lover boy is clumsy as HELL I mean he literally fell into the arms of Moreau's domain because he tripped trying to get a good photo (He's a photography student in collage who came to the village to photograph things for his portfolio!)

AND GILES,, YOU GOT GILES ON POINT THIS JERK WOULD TOTALLY BE LIKE

Miles: *says something*

Lover boy (I promise I'll give him a name soon XD): What did he say?

Giles: Oh wouldn't you want to know? ;)) Well for 300 lei you can know!-

Miles: **smacks him**

Giles: Okay fine jackass he said he likes you or whatever

[milkteahood]

Hii!

Reader breaks up w/ Karl. Angsty & dramatic fic but ends in them making up & romance <3

Make daddy heisen suffer a little..we all know his dumbass caused the breakup

“I am so done with your shit, Karl!” Y/N yelled

“Oh god! Will you shut up for once and listen?”

“No, you shut up Heisenberg! You always freak out every time I go out! I can’t live all my life closed in a damn factory!”

“It’s dangerous god damn it!”

“I’m fine! I hang out with Donna and Moreau and I’m a fucking adult. I don’t need you babysitting me”

“Then fucking leave! Door’s over there!” he yelled at her

“You know what? Maybe I fucking will”

And with that she left, shutting the door behind her. Karl didn’t even look at her, but he instantly regretted his actions. He knew he has been too overprotective, but he loved her. Losing her caused him a new type of pain, something Karl has never felt before.

Y/N found herself walking along a path she knew so well, but now, with every step, tears were threatening to fall down. She was angry, sure, but she wished he would’ve said something. Yet he didn’t. He didn’t stop her from leaving, which only broke her heart more.

She didn’t know what to do or where to go, meanwhile Karl was pacing around the factory, breaking everything in his sight. Donna seemed like a good alternative, but that’s the first place Karl would look. People say you end up doing stupid things out of anger and heartbreak and Y/N was no different. So in the end, she decided to go to the duke. The plan was to pay him to take her out of the village.

Although, even in anger, Y/N still contemplated that decision. There was no going back after that. She might never get to see Karl again. Her heart was conflicted. Snow started falling and the night started settling. Normally at this time, she would be cuddling Karl, and everything would be nice and warm. But he didn’t stop her. He probably didn’t even want her.

The factory on the other hand was almost destroyed. Karl broke everything that could be broken. He was so angry with himself for not stopping her. Expecting her to be at Donna’s, he didn’t worry much about her whereabouts.

After some time of pacing back and forth, he decided to go to Donna and apologize to his lover. The wind outside was terrible, and he hoped the weather has been kinder to her. Due to the snow storm intensifying, it took him longer to reach his destination.

Karl expected many things. From her to yell at him, to Angie calling him every name under the sun, to Donna being completely disappointed with him. He had never in his life expected her not to be there. It was like the world was running from under his feet. She wasn’t there.

There was no time for goodbyes and explanations, for Karl quickly left and started to look for her.

Y/N ended up going to the duke, but since there was such a huge snow storm threatening outside, he had delayed their leaving. The duke was the last person Karl expected to find her at.

He had been going out in the storm, in hopes to spot her somewhere. Anywhere. When he found the duke, he immediately asked if he has seen her.

“Karl?” she spoke out

“Y/N! Thank god! You’re here!...but..what are you doing here” he was relieved to have found her, but also confused.

“I thought you didn’t want me there anymore”

“And your stupid ass thought leaving with the duke was a good idea?” he snapped and immediately regretted it “I mean...I’m sorry..for everything”

“You just called me stupid” Y/N raised an eyebrow

“I-..” he was struggling to find his words, he really didn’t want her leaving.

“But you also came out looking for me in this weather” she said and walked up to him

“So that means I’m forgiven?” he asked, eyes lighting up “or at least you’ll come back with me?”

“The second one, yes” Y/N replied.

This event ended with bringing them closer to each other. Karl learned to not be so protective. He knew she needed her space at times. No one can grow if they’re constantly altered. And the fact that he looked for her during a storm was enough proof that he did love her. Y/N didn’t doubt it anymore, for she knew under that cold metal exterior, laid a very gentle soul.

[britcision]

okay so I love Constantine actually getting it 10/10 yes excellent

lemme tell you what else I love:

Constantine isn’t there for the first meeting. Maybe it’s Billy, maybe it’s Zatanna, maybe they just decided John’s a shit diplomat and should not be allowed near the meetings cuz he’s demon catnip (Constantine agrees)

and whoever is there, well, they’re trying to be delicate. To be nice, since Dick and Duke have tackled Jason and dragged him away from the confused Ghost King before he can fucking jump on him

(Danny assumes they are just keeping the meeting on track I suppose that’s fine we can have an introductory brawl later but it’s nice to see the baby’s family wrassle with him ☺️)

and the Bat is gonna wanna know EVERYTHING, of COURSE, but our poor magic member (I’m gonna say it’s Cap’n Shazam specifically because it’s funny to me) is just breezing right on past THAT kettle of fish

just quickly clarifies for Danny that Hood doesn’t speak for the League (so they don’t get invited to the ghost brawl that is sure to follow - bats read this as Hood Fucked Up)

and on they go with the talks, Hood firmly dragged all the way back to Gotham

and dear sweet Billy, once they’ve left the king, hurries to explain that it’s cool, Jason’s not in trouble, but Jason has started something he’s gonna have to finish

combat is super important socially in the realms and Jason has challenged the Ghost King so that fight is gonna HAVE to happen now cuz if Jason doesn’t go back the king might follow him home

Bruce asks a super unfortunately timed question about what it means to challenge the Ghost King and the Wisdom of Solomon chips in with the least helpful “well the throne is passed down by combat a real challenge for single combat is to take the throne” but DOES NOT include that Jason’s not done the whole thing

so the bats think Jason’s challenged the ruler of another dimension to a death match, because why wouldn’t it be? Clearly you get the crown by killing the king (Maybe research on old challenges to Pariah include grisly Ending stories)

Jason’s fucking down with this, he’ll kick this guy’s ass and be the new king, why the fuck not

Danny, meanwhile, shows up to his playdate like a giddy kid he’s not met many baby ghosts and is very excited finally someone is babier than him

Jason goes hard immediately and Danny matches him, very proud of this good scary baby ghost he’s such a fierce fighter uwu

the bats are freaking out, Danny just found Jason in a random part of Crime Alley so they’re trying to get close enough to watch but Danny’s flying it’s not exactly a stationary fight… did Jason just fly too

did you see a grapple did Jason just launch his ass off a building and fly to the next one????

what the FUCK since when can Jason fly Dick is mad jealous

the fight lasts for HOURS Jason’s powered by pit rage and Stubborn Bitch Energy and Danny’s basically wagging a finger at him

Bruce calls in JLDark for help, how can they call this off, it hasn’t damaged the city yet but they can all see that Jason doesn’t have a chance. Clearly when the king gets bored…. It’s over

Constantine shows up, asks what the fuck is going on, is shown the fight and also notices shit is up

asks how the hell Hood and Phantom even met, he doesn’t read paperwork

Dick explains the punch and what Cap’n Shazam told them and Constantine just. Breaks down laughing

cuz yeah Billy was definitely right, it was accurate, it just didn’t have the most important thing: context

Jason walked across the playground and pulled the King’s pigtails and they’re best friends now, this is just ghost bonding. Someone text Jason and let him know

(maybe Jason’s getting frustrated but also weirdly feeling less and less angry the longer the fight goes on, he’s literally burning the pit rage as ghost fuel and ends up feeling significantly better despite having his ass kicked)

Red Hood's King -- DCxDP prompt

Everyone does this whole 'Jason sees Ghost King!Danny and immediately feels 'this is my king' ' and it's all awesome

But I think we can agree that Jason has... a small problem with authority figures.

So Hood meets Phantom -- maybe a summoning, a Justice League thing, what ever.

And gets that 'this is my king' feeling.

Jason, who has been fighting the pits for years and now suddenly has ANOTHER 'lets magically fuck with Jason's emotions' thing, is not going to be easily overwhelmed by a need to bow down and is not going to take this calmly.

Everyone is stunned into silence when, in the middle of whatever thing they are gathered to deal with, Hood stalks up to Phantom, punches him in the face saying "I don't have a fucking king." and walks out.

Discuss

[phenomenal1500]

What If We Had The Choice? | Resident Evil Village

Summary: What would have happened if Ethan had sided with Heisenberg? Unfortunately, Capcom didn't give us the chance to make a choice, so for the enthusiasts.... this would have happened if we had had been given the choice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ethan stepped foot inside the dark, dusty factory with a bad premonition. He kept his gun in front of him at all costs as he carefully pushed the first rusty door he encountered open and when he noticed the coast was clear, he also made his way through the badly lit hallway that had appeared from behind the heavy door. He was so close in having his daughter back that he couldn't back down... not now. Another nasty hallway followed and finally, when he took a turn to his right, he spotted an huge curtain hanging ahead of him in a square room. It seemed to hide the wall and table behind it and Ethan struggled with the thought off shoving it to the right to peak behind it or to just leave it be. With his curiosity taking over he pulled the curtain from the beam to which it was attached to and small photos appeared.

Some of them were old pictures of the lords, scratched through with a red marker, while others were pictures of the incidents that had happened around the village since Ethan had arrived there. The pictures reflected in Ethan's eyes and one stood out to him. "Mia?"

"Truth hurts, don't it?" Ethan turned with a quick motion, spotting the man Ethan had met earlier who now stepped out of the shadows directly behind him. The dark and round glasses covered the man's eyes as well as his fedora hat that slightly slanted over his left eye and the long tattered coat fluttered behind him as he took a puff of his Cuban cigar. Ash fell from his cigar as thick white smoke floated around the man's almost completely covered face. "Let me guess." The forth and strongest Lord continued after puffing his cigar once more. "You're thinking take me out like the others, and then you get to go and safe Rose, right?"

"I'm healing my daughter." Ethan bit back.

"Look, y-...you've got this all wrong-..." Lord Heisenberg signed with his hands up in the air to strengthen his words, but he then was cut off by an horrible loud sound coming from under them. "Dammit, I'm talking here!" The man whined, pinching his noise before storming his way towards the hatch to pull it open with ease. "Shut your fucking hole!"

Ethan had no idea what to except or where this conversation was going, certainly not with someone different than the other mutated humans he had met. Alcina Dimitrescu had already some hatred towards men like him, perhaps even all men in general, and was conspiring with Miranda so of course she wanted him dead from the beginning. Donna Beneviento seemed more reasonable and neutral about the situation, but was still crazy as fuck and was also still under Miranda's control. Same goes for Salvatore Moreau, except for the fact he wasn't just following and conspiring with Miranda. He saw Mother Miranda as his real mother and he was so desperate to prove his worth to the other house lords and Mother Miranda that he unfortunately also wasn't able to negotiate with.

However, Lord Heisenberg was someone different. He came across Ethan as more controlled than the other Lords despite being a bit of a direct man. "Sorry about that." The man apologised as he straightened his back. Ethan, still confused whether he had to have patient and listen to the man or take action while it was still possible, stood in the room watching the man in doubt while he snatched a chair from beside a cupboard to place it by the hatch.

"Take a seat." Heisenberg ordered and Ethan stayed in his place, not obeying his competitor. "Listen, Ethan. You're being played."

"What are you talking about? You think this is a game?" Ethan hissed through his teeth meanwhile the lord put out his Cuban cigar, pressing the burning side onto the small table. Ethan had expected some sort of answer from the mutant, but to his surprise Heisenberg aggressively tossed a knife towards the wall covered in pictures and pushed Ethan into the unsteady metal chair instead... the chair almost staggering over the edge of the big hole by all the force falling down onto it.

"I said sit!!" Heisenberg backed off a bit afterwards and continued his story. "Lady super-sized bitch..." The knife stabbed the wall as it made its way to the picture of Lady Dimitrescu. "Ugly-ass psycho doll...." The knife again marked the wall, now resting in the photo of Donna Beneviento and Angie Beneviento. "And that moronic freak." The knife made one last change in direction, the picture of Salvatore Moreau. "Don't you get it? It's a test, to see if you're strong enough... to be part of Miranda's family."

"I don't want to be part of Miranda's family."

"Neither did I! But here we are." Heisenberg raised his voice and Ethan took in a deep breath. "And I'm next in line, right? Kill me, move up the chain! Well, fuck that!!" The knife carved the wall as it was forced through the image of Mother Miranda, messing it up.

"I don't give a damn about your personal issues! I just want to fix my daughter!" The lord laughed in response.

"So do I! Do you have any idea how powerful that kid is? Even Miranda is scared of her..." For a second time there was a very loud engine sound hearable and the man deeply sighed in frustration. "Last time, you freak, I swear to god!"

Afterwards making his way to Ethan, Lord Heisenberg gave away his green and grey eyes by removing his glasses and held his chin up, the hat moving a bit upwards to reveal his full face. Scars were located all across his face and he smirked.

"You and me, Ethan! Together we go save Rose, and then we can use her to grind Miranda to paste." Heisenberg closed his fist with strength, acting like he was squeezing a bug to death. Ethan stood before a tough decision; Fight Lord Heisenberg and then hope he could safe his daughter from Mother Miranda all alone... or collude against Mother Miranda with the help of Heisenberg and save his daughter that way. He knew it was wrong to work together with someone who was once his enemy and was willing to use his daughter as a weapon, but it gave him more certainty to actually succeed and get his little girl back. Ethan stood up from his chair and swallowed before nodding.

"When do we start?"

~~~

Heisenberg had taken Ethan to his lab to explain what he'd been up to all along and both men now faced each other while sitting down onto different obsolete metal sofas. "Most of this was already put in working before I decided to show up here to save Rose?"

"This is my fucking lifework. Years I have been creating these soldats to deal with Miranda once and for all. It's time for her to die." The man passionately spoke up and pointed at the soldats hanging from a conveyor belt that ran through the factory. "So, Ethan Winters, what do you say?"

"The plan sounds good to me."

"Well then, lets get to work. See you on the other side... Ethan."

Ethan knew exactly what to do because Heisenberg had explained in detail what the plan was. Ethan was going to disturb the ceremony that was taking place so that the lord could launch a surprise attack on Miranda with his invented army. Although, before it could work, Ethan first had to stop by the Duke to restock his ammunition and healing juice. Fast traveling over the stone bridge towards the elevator in the altar, he returned to the Duke.

"Ah... Ethan Winters. I feel like this will be the last time we meet again... It was quite some news to hear you joined Lord Heisenberg's side." The duke folded his hands together, somewhere deep down noticeable that he was delighted to see his loyal customer and good friend back alive.

"Yeah, well, I didn't have much of a choice, did I?"

"You had a choice, but knew that this settlement would be most effective. Now, I suppose you have to act quickly so feel free to peruse." Buying ammunition and healing juice with the last money Ethan had, the friends said their last goodbyes and carried on their separated ways. This would be it. This would be the moment where Ethan would finally get his daughter Rose back. Shoving himself through the filthy black strands know as mold, he saw the blond woman in her black and gold robe shouting for Eva, her dead daughter she lost to the Spanish flu, to be reborn. The moment Ethan wanted to fire his first shot with his M1851 Wolfsbane Magnum, there was a sharp sound audible and then loud rock music followed.

"What the-....?" Ethan cursed under his breath, not knowing what the fuck was happening, but the distractive music seemed to caught Miranda off guard and the chamber of mold crumbled down around them. It looked like Miranda had lost her focus. The distraction gave Ethan a better shot and Miranda jerked her head towards him, glaring deathly at him as he pulled the trigger. The bullet didn't do much to her, but the arena was now free from the mold and it was possible for Heisenberg to step into the destroyed area, which he did. He was still secretly jamming to the loud rock music that was playing on his speakers back in the factory and Ethan wondered what the actual limit of the volume was because it was so terribly loud, even from where they were now.

"Heisenberg! I should have known you were planning an rebellion against me. Unfortunately for the both of you, the ceremony will be complete once dawn breaks and I will become her true mother!" Miranda shouted dramatically and opened her arms widely, letting her six wings stretch out before her mutation took place. Heisenberg just scoffed and threw his Cuban cigar to the ground, stepping on it.

"I'm not letting you get away." Ethan yelled, shooting a few more times at the orange eye that was visible in the upper center of her face. It probably was her weakness. In the meantime that Ethan was busy shooting at the six winged dead looking woman, Heisenberg simply just leaned on his hammer. His head was banging to the music while he watched the scene for a moment, but that was until he forced himself to participate into the battle as well. Putting his thumb and index finger close to his mouth, he whistled as noisy as possible and immediately an army of Lycans and soldats joined him. Miranda was amazed at what was happening before her eyes, but managed to kill several soldats at once with the mold spearing them. Heisenberg groaned in frustration, understanding that his life creations perhaps weren't fully prepared for these kind of attacks coming from her.

Heisenberg sighed and closed his green, grey eyes. It was time... time for him to mutate and face Miranda together with Ethan. He had to defeat her. That was what he wished for all these years after all. Heisenberg listened to the guitar solo in the background as his mind started to control and use the metal scrap from his broken soldats to continue his mutation. Ethan couldn't be distracted by the creature Heisenberg had become and so he kept his attention strictly on Miranda, ready to hit her again. Sadly, he was out of luck. His M1851 Wolfsbane Magnum ran out of ammo and while Ethan tried to block her next attack, Heisenberg seized the opportunity to knock her to the ground before she had the change to launch herself at Ethan.

Heisenberg accelerated his actions and grabbed Miranda tightly before pressing her against one of the broken stone walls. With his other metal arm he activated his saw and wounded her body, but soon found out she could regenerate herself. Her spider legs turned into wings, bigger than before, and she hurled the flames she had summoned when Heisenberg wasn't paying attention. He was blinded and was pushed back by the blow. The lord quickly realized that his mutation was quite easy for Miranda to defeat because of the length and width of his mechanistic form and he turned back to his human form. This way he could use the metal scrap for a shield and dodge all her attacks faster.

"Ethan! Bring your ass over here!" The man growled, seeing that Ethan was laying somewhere on the floor, being completely useless, and Ethan raised to his feet... stumbling a bit, but not giving up.

"I don't have any fucking bullets left!"

"Well good luck keeping her focused on you then!" His gravelly voice yelled over the rock music for only Ethan to hear and he shook his head in confusion, though, he had no time to understand it because Miranda immediately jumped right in front of him. The lord had time to create a stairs of the floating metal with activating his abilities and he ran to the top, hoping Miranda hadn't seen this shit coming or else they both were certainly doomed. Ethan, meanwhile, was fighting off the woman and it was the perfect timing for Heisenberg to put his second plan in working. Heisenberg dropped himself from the stairs, his hammer above his head and aiming at the weakness of Mother Miranda. Hitting her, her back was blown into the floor and she screamed in agony. The combo of the shots of the M1851 Wolfsbane Magnum and the terribly heavy hammer had managed to defeat her.

"My daughter.... My Eva!" She held her arms high and went numb, her body falling apart and turning into ash.

"After an eternity.... that bitch is finally gone." Heisenberg laughed enthusiastically and turned around to face Ethan only to see him crumbling down with Rose in his arms.

"I think we finished each other...."

[kaykay-13]

Xingqiu personally affixing the collar on chongyun before the ball like " this is a specific ornament for this type of gathering. Keep it on. " and what's chongyun to know? Hes not a member of high society or even from this world in the first place. So he goes out and is completely calm and reasonable and unaware of the implications of wearing such a thing.

Imagine it is a common thing in high class gatherings, yes - its to mark servants and workers who are off limits completely, usually due to their.. affairs with the master/s of the abode.

Chongyun with a nice soft embroidered choker with the little symbol of the feiyun house ( that fucked up ornament on xingqiu's jacket lol ), none the wiser to why xingqiu keeps looking at him so oddly

xingqiu murmuring to himself: “he’s just a baron’s son, surely he wouldn’t know, surely he wouldn’t — he’s never quite attended balls before, having served as the princess’s knight. perhaps i could get away with it?”

xingqiu, at the event, freaking out: “ISN’T HE A BARON’S SON???? WHY DOESN’T HE KNOW ABOUT THE COLLAR”

oh and imagine yun jin, the light of the empire, so thoroughly amused. watch her sidle up next to her ex-knight, pretty and demure, murmuring behind an open fan — “i see the duke has taken a rather strange interest in you, has he not?”

and poor innocent chongyun, thinking it’s the Xingqiu Obsession With FL, says “yeah, he gets quite cruel at times.” and MISSES the way yun jin’s eyes glint with amusement.

“what strange taste he has,” she comments, wondering if the collar was hiding some other cruel ministrations xingqiu had done. meanwhile chongyun is just nodding along thinking about FL LOL

[arkon-z]

Yes, I'm back on my bullshit about this, though it's not related to my complaints about Ganondorf being lame. TOTK spoilers abound below:

My numerous complaints about TOTK aside, I really feel like it was an insult for people to mistake Puppet!Zelda for the actual Zelda. She had been working hard for years at that point trying to rebuild the kingdom. People knew who she was and what she was like. Which means they should have clocked right away that there was something off about this Zelda that suddenly reappeared. Most of the Sages did, but poor Yunobo got done dirty by having to be the 'dumb one' and fell for the gimmick. Thanks a lot, writers.

Anyway, all that to say - they should have made actual Zelda the puppet. Brainwash her! Threaten her! Put her in genuine danger! If she's Link's motivation, then at least give him a reason to care!

Yeah, it would have removed the whole Light Dragon plot, but so what? What did it add to the game? A bunch of cutscenes full of background plot where Zelda loses her agency yet again. Nothing but shipping fodder and death flags.

Uh-oh, i'm on a roll now.

So yeah, let's say instead of being yeeted into the past, Zelda is captured by Ganondorf, Link's arm and sword get fucked up and it's the familiar start of the game. Rauru is there and gives Link his ghost arm, then explains that "Yeah, Ganondorf took Zelda prisoner. He's almost certainly chained her up in his evil palace and you're not getting in there with half a sword. Lucky for you, all these relics of the Zonai that suddenly appeared have what you need to repair the sword."

Link demands to go at once, but Rauru holds him back, like, "Don't be stupid. You can't just rush in there - you need backup. You'll need the same help I had when I put him away. But you'll have the Master Sword to stop him for good. Do this the right way and you'll save everyone."

So it turns out that to repair the Master Sword, Link has to get something from each of the four temples. And in turn, each of the Descendents realize that 'oh, hey, Ganondorf is back, huh? Here, have my ancestral power and help Link. Hyrule is your home, too." So the Sages still get their powers.

Meanwhile, the Regional Phenomena thing is also popping off, because Zelda is going around and wreaking havoc, because Ganondorf has brainwashed her to keep them all busy while he sets up his lair in the Depths or whatever.

Link gets all the bits he needs to repair the Sword, then he takes it to the Deku Tree to, I dunno, jumpstart its divine power. Because you gotta have the Great Deku Tree in there somehow. Side note: no Mineru. Yeah, riding a mech was cool, but if this fight is for Hyrule, then it should be focused on the current races, not the long extinct ones. So instead of a Zonai Sage, there's a Sheikah one. Hell, make it Purah! That would be fun. If you want to play nice, the Zonai Sage could pass the role on to the Sheikah Sage, or contrive another reason for them to swap places in the moment (something something Sheikah tech is based on Zonai tech).

So Link eventually gets summoned to Hyrule Castle by Puppet Zelda and he and the four Sages duke it out with her and obviously they're confused and afraid, because why is Zelda fighting them? What's wrong with her? They beat the Phantom Ganon out of her and win the fight, but just as they go to check on her, Ganondorf gives them that vision of his rule in the past, freaking them out. He kidnaps her while they're distracted and dares them to rescue her.

Okay, it's getting late and I'm tired. But look at that! Isn't that more interesting? Or at least, less contrived? TOTK felt like an anime suffering from power creep and they didn't know how to fix it, so they had to go over the top to try and bring it back in. There's a lot (and I mean A LOT) more that I could rant on, but this came to me in a flash and I just wanted to toss it out there.

Also, I would give NAMES to the ancient sages. Don't they at least deserve that much? They could've come up with a bunch of new names that would be added to the Zelda lexicon, or they could have done what they did for the rest of the game and just recycled names. No one would have bat an eye and nerds like me would have sat up and pointed in recognition like the DiCaprio meme. Here, it's easy!

Ancient Zora Sage - Rutella

Ancient Rito Sage - Komali

Ancient Gerudo Sage - Aviel

Ancient Goron Sage - Darmani

Those guys deserved better than "I am your ancestor..."

I'm gonna say it:

Astor (AOC) was a bigger threat than Ganondorf (TOTK) was, in regards to the gameplay. Yes, I know The Calamity was the ultimate threat and not Astor, but that's just lore. What matters is that when the AOC plot said, "It's time to get serious about this story now," it actually got serious. Rather than TOTK's idea of "boy, it's sure going to get serious once you hit this area and trip an event flag!"

Like, TOTK Ganondorf's idea of being 'evil' was to make a puppet Zelda and go around and mess with Hyrule, doing everything from pranking some of the stables to summoning monsters to invade the temples. And because the game is open world, it makes for some really weird tone shifts. Things ranging from "our city is being overrun by unkillable monsters" to "there's a talking chicken spreading rumors." And where was Ganondorf? Down in the core of the earth, being evil. The biggest AND ONLY threat he ever directly posed to Link was in their final fight. There was nothing in the story itself to suggest that he posed any kind of threat. Especially because he made it look like Zelda was the one behind it all.

But Astor! We saw him working with/manipulating the Yiga in his plans. He lured the gang into the Lost Woods as a trap and sent the Hollows after them, coming within inches of killing Zelda. He managed to release the Calamity early. He tore the souls out of the Yiga to re-summon the Blights! He went after Zelda himself! And when it happens, it feels impactful, because of how the story unfolds in the game play. The tone shifts; you lose access to the Champs from every game menu once they're trapped in the Divine Beasts. When the Calamity hits, the tone of the entire game shifts. You're not on some action-packed adventure fighting off the Yiga clan anymore; now the apocalypse has happened and you're still alive, trying to find a way to reverse it. And throughout everything, you know that Astor is the one behind it and he's the one you have to stop. Even with the Calamity as the greater scope villain in the background, Astor is still the focal point.

So yeah, from a gameplay and story perspective, even if Astor was a flat character, he at least acted like he was trying to destroy Hyrule. Ganondorf did fuck all in TOTK. All his action scenes were flashbacks. Lazy ass man couldn't even be bothered to trek up to the surface and destroy a village or two to show he meant business.

[bigskydreaming]

And one more bit from the “Kings of the Sky” AU albeit several installments in, because I just......don’t know when or why I stumbled into an obsession with the dynamics between Dick and Jason and Cass as the eldest three Wayne siblings, but its there, its real, and its happening. I’ve stopped fighting it. I just....enjoy writing those three being dumb siblings who are dumb like so, so much.

Anyway, in this AU series, Jason doesn’t go to Ethiopia and die, but rather eventually joins Dick at Titans Tower more regularly and is Flamebird. Both are closer with Bruce here than in canon because Dick helped Bruce and Jason get through the Garzonas stuff and Jason helped kick Bruce in the direction of Dick and adoption papers right after the Brother Blood storyline. Then Cass is actually the third to join the family, by way of Babs, and she’s Batgirl and then Black Bat, but there’s a period of time when its just Dick, Jason and Cass as the Wayne kids. 

(PS - this is the same series as where Jason ends up with his own age group of Titans, and accidentally falls into a love quadrangle of doom that is absolutely NOT a polycule dammit, with Tom Bronson (Tomcat), Ray Terrill (The Ray) and Todd Rice (Obsidian). Which amuses his brother and sister to no end).

Tim and Duke are both next, but sorta at the same time? Like Tim’s story takes a sharp turn when Robin II never dies and obviously is Flamebird now like Robin I is Nightwing, and Tim winds up in foster care after his parents die differently than in canon. Duke is also in foster care at this time, though a different placement, and while no Robin has died here, its been awhile since there’s been one in Gotham, and to kids who grew up with the idea of there always being a Robin, that feels weird and wrong ultimately. 

So Tim and Duke both hit on the idea of being Robin like, at around the same time and totally disconnected from one another, and that leads to them both joining the Batfam around the same time, and co-sharing Robin until Damian arrives much later and they both move on to new identities. But there’s no real confusion between Robins because Duke is the daytime Robin with more yellow coloring in his costume and Tim is the nighttime Robin with more red, and people say Red or Yellow if they ever need to differentiate which Robin they’re talking about. Anyway.

************

So [Tim and Duke] run into trouble eventually and then when running from trouble they run into each other and they’re like….huh. Awkward. And then they decide well, might as well both run from trouble in the same direction, I guess. So they do.

“Did you have a plan for dealing with these guys?” Tim yelled at Duke. The other boy looked back over his shoulder briefly and gave what would probably have been a half-shrug if he didn’t awkwardly try to barrel-roll over a car two seconds later.

“Umm, sorta?”

“How sorta are we talking about? Maybe the two of us together could fill in the gaps in the plan and come up with one full plan?”

“Uh yeah, no, its not that kinda sorta. I meant sorta in the sense that I thought I had a plan but it didn’t work and that’s why these guys are after me. Sooooo…”

“Not helpful, basically.”

“Yeah. Pretty much. And hey, I don’t hear you offering up a plan! Did you even have one at all?”

“Uh….I mean I kinda didn’t think I was going to need one because I figured some kid running around in a mask making a nuisance of himself was the sorta thing that was bound to attract Batman. And so I was just pretty much running around until that happened, and then I’d make a case for how I obviously need training and Gotham needs Robin and if its not me its likely to be someone else trying eventually anyway so why not be me?”

Duke paused just long enough to squint at him. “That’s a terrible plan.”

Tim rolled his eyes. The effort didn’t pair well with his huffing and over-all exertions from running for his life and all that, but necessity demanded. “Yeah I know, that’s why I never said it was a plan! It was mostly….more…idea-ish.”

“I’m just saying, I thought I was doing this wrong, but at least I had a plan! I mean yeah, it might have ended up with me accidentally busting in on what I thought was a bunch of Riddler’s henchmen setting up some kind of clue thing, only it was actually a bunch of Intergang type guys with alien space guns or some shit all dressed up as Riddler henchmen for some reason? I dunno what they were trying to do honestly, but so yeah I might have ended up running away on foot from like twenty of them and some kind of hovercycle -”

“I’m going to cut you off there and say wherever this is going its probably not the superior vantage point I think you think you have.”

Meanwhile, Batman was not going to be coming because he’s off on a JLA mission. However, in his absence Dick and Jason are in town filling in, and they finished taking out the bad guys several blocks back and caught up to whomever was running from them, figured out the situation and are currently sitting on the edge of a rooftop watching them realize they’re totally lost and trying to figure out where to go from here. Mostly because Dick and Jason are incredibly amused listening to their back and forth and also just…this whole situation.

Dick justifies not piping up to let them know they’re safe now by saying this is good intel gathering so we can offer Bruce our assessment as to whether they’re gonna try and keep doing this whether we train them or not, and also how they handle this whole being lost situation. Not knowing they don’t have to run anymore isn’t going to hurt them and really, this is a good field exercise almost.

Jason justifies not piping up by saying this is fucking hilarious and I will hurt you if you end this any sooner than we have to, I deserve this, I had a rough week.

Which is right around the time that Cass pipes up from where she’s been lurking unnoticed behind them this whole time: “Oh no. Was it Tom? Or Ray? Or was it Todd?”

And she does it right in Jason’s ear so he kinda aborted-shrieks and almost falls off the roof except Cass is ready for that and grabs his arm to steady him.

“I hate when you do that!” Jason growls in an attempt to cover up how badly she got him and also because he hates when she does it which is why she does it a lot. Again, they don’t hate each other at all, but they do seem to act like it a lot, and neither of them is entirely sure why. They kinda just started doing it and have each been trying to get the other back ever since and ended up locked in an unending spiral of gotcha-gotchaback, except, y’know, Batfam style.

Dick occasionally picks sides just to muddy the waters. And then he randomly switches sides without warning, so neither of them ever wants to risk getting too peeved at him even when he’s helping the other, because that might push him fully over to the other side and leave them permanently outnumbered, so they’re kinda stuck, which is exactly as he likes it, lol.

“Why are you Satan,” Jason hisses dramatically as he gets up and stomps over to the other side of the roof to sulk, lest she almost knock him off again. Its not the almost falling part that bothers him, its that she’s the one that snatches him to safety each time. She’s like a freaking cat toying with a - yeah not going there, just blaming Selina. Knew them hanging out was going to be bad news for me somehow, he gripes.

Cass just shrugs and smoothly sits down cross-legged right where she is, grinning Cheshire-cat style at him from there. “Childhood trauma,” is her answer.

“Great, and now you’re stealing my comeback on top of it?! Is nothing sacred to you?”

She offers another shrug. He would like to return those for store credit please. Maybe get something useful instead. “Haven’t decided yet. Babs is still helping me explore my options. We’re going alphabetically and we’re only on  the E-religions.”

“God, you’re the worst. I can’t believe you ruined sisters for me.”

“You already used that same line last week when you came out of your room still half-asleep and she was just sitting directly across from your door waiting and staring unblinking and you yelped and dropped your laptop on your toe, and then cursed so loud that B came running around the hall thinking we were being invaded,” Dick reported idly, still perched in the same position he’d been in all along and watching the boys below them. “Just in case you thought no one noticed when you recycle.”

“I noticed too,” Cass added solemnly.

“I have no siblings,” Jason intoned. He threw up his hands dramatically and then loudly jumped down to the street below with a little help from the fire escape. It drew both Duke and Tim’s attention and they startled before realizing it was Flamebird. And that he’d landed on the street and was stalking past them while barely acknowledging them. And that that was Nightwing standing on the roof now with his hands on his hips yelling after him.

“Oh, reeeeeeal subtle. You’re not having fun anymore so you gotta make sure nobody else does either. Wow, the Brat-like behavior, just jumped out of the shadows with that one!”

And that was Flamebird not even turning around and just yelling back. “I HAVE NO SIBLINGS!”

And also they were both pretty sure that was Batgirl crouched on the roof next to Nightwing now, and she was…..sticking her tongue out at Flamebird’s back? No, Batgirl very much definitely was sticking out her tongue, that wasn’t in doubt, it was more just….very unexpected to see.

What was happening right now?

********

Eventually Tim and Duke have inevitably worn down [Bruce’s] resistance to training them by insisting they’re gonna keep doing this and if its not them its gonna be someone sooner or later anyway. Because, as they put it, you guys may not know this but Gotham’s gotten used to Robins by now and it freaks people out not to see one and Robin’s as important as Batman really and there needs to be a Robin and its not just us that will think that, like look at the fact that already two of us had the exact same idea, huh? And also, we’re gonna keep doing it anyway, sooooo….there’s that.

And then Cass vouches that they’re both 100% serious about that.

And then Dick vouches that as a former determined daredevil kid that was absolutely going to keep doing the same thing no matter whether you’d helped me or not, B, I also am of the assessment that these two mean it all the way.

And not to be left out and just to have something to contribute but also grumpy because his brother and sister are picking on him and he’s eighteen going on ten, Jason throws in: “And my assessment is that they both definitely seem dumb enough to keep doing this without help anyway and they definitely need help or they definitely will die, I’d give it a month, month and a half tops.”

And then Bruce dryly thanks his children for their contributions, their keen insights in this matter have been absolutely invaluable, he has no idea how he would make a decision here without it.

“Oooh, a rare sighting of Bat-snark in the wild. Someone call Nat-Geo quick, maybe he’ll do it again,” Dick says.

Bruce sighs. Duke and Tim look like they’re trying to decide if they’re allowed to be amused or if that’s also part of some weird Bat-test that they’re probably taking without even knowing it.

So Tim and Duke move in, start training together, and then also get sent to school together and it takes a month or so of settling in before they decide whether or not they actually are happy about this. There’s a period of deciding they’re supposed to be bitter rivals who snipe at each other back and forth across the dining table at every available opportunity, but that changes the first night Dick and Jason come back from the Tower since Tim and Duke have moved in and where Cass is also home instead of at the Clocktower with Babs.

Since all three of the older Batkids, upon seeing Tim and Duke squabble at dinner, decide to obnoxiously coo about how adorable it is watching the kids play. Which pretty instantly cements Duke and Tim as realizing their best chance of surviving the sudden acquisition of three older superhero ninja foster siblings who all can be as obnoxious as they are dangerous but also as much as they are - Duke and Tim are convinced - all quite insane.

A belief further cemented the next morning, with all three of them having spent the night at the Manor as well. Treating Duke and Tim to their first Saturday morning episode of the Cass and Jason show.

In this episode, Jason emerged from his bedroom in his pajamas still but warily peeking his head out first to look both ways down the hall before deciding it was clear…..and then makes it just almost to the end of the hallway leading to the stairs, when Cass drops down from where she’d been waiting perched above the other side of the door, in such a way as to suddenly fill the doorway just in front of him, hanging upside down suspending herself just with her feet wedged above the doorway, all while keeping her hands crossed her chest, a dead-eyed expression on her face, and with her tongue hanging out like she’s some kind of vampire hanging upside down in mid-slumber.

Jason shrieked and stumbled back a foot before catching himself and shoving two fingers in a cross shape in her direction.

“Demon! DEMON! Goddammit, I abjure thee, that’s supposed to fucking do something about having a demon sister, now what the fuck does it take to banish you!?”

“Can’t be banished,” Cass informed him, still upside down. “Can be bought though.”

Jason halted. “What?”

“I’m really surprised you never figured it out,” Dick said from his room further down the hallway. He was leaning against the doorjamb, arms casually crossed.

“Why did you think she never goes after me?”

Jason swiveled back and forth between his siblings suspiciously, trying to scry both their inscrutable (and in Cass’ case, still upside down) faces for signs they were telling the truth. “You’re telling me that Little Miss Monstrous has been a pain in my ass from day one and the reason she’s never so much as eked a single boo in your direction is you’ve been bribing her all this time?”

Dick shrugged. “Its all about getting in on the ground floor.”

Jason squinted, still unconvinced. “Nuh-uh. No way. You’re just fucking with me. Like if this is for real, what have you been buying her off with?”

Dick smiled beatifically. “Cuddles and hugs.”

“NO! NO! Bullshit! I am NOT falling for this crap again, you are not gonna get me this way this time. I call BS, fuck you, nuh uh, you’re lying out your ass and your ass-face both.”

“Wait, what is this ‘this’ that I did before? What ever are you talking about?”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about.”

“Is this about the Care Bear you had when you were fifteen?”

“Shut upppppppppppppppp, I didn’t have a Care Bear then, you’re such a - “

“Oh, I dunno, I’m preeeeetty sure there’s some holiday photos from that year that would say otherwise, pretty definitively in the form of you and your Care Bear….”

“That I only had because you literally just gave it to me as a present solely so that you could claim that I had a Care Bear when I was fifteen, you douchebag!”

“Just because I gave you the Care Bear didn’t mean you had to keep the Care Bear and hold the Care Bear and love the Care Bear, Jay. You chose to do all that.”

“I only kept the damn thing because you’re an asshole who lied about it being a family heirloom so I felt like I had to or I’d be a total jerk. Is nothing sacred to you?”

“I didn’t lie! It is a treasured family heirloom! Its the first Care Bear I gave to my little brother to teach him the important and valuable lesson that Care Bears - say it with me now - “

“Finish that sentence and they will never find your body.”

“CARE!” Cass shrieked from behind him before jumping on Jason’s back and bearing him down to the floor in an undignified tangle as she splayed atop him like a starfish and he stared up at the ceiling in a kind of strangled frozen fury, like there was so much emotion he wanted to process he’d overheated and now was stuck like that until he cooled down.

That was when Dick leaned over him and solemnly added one final thought, as though it was a crucial addition of the gravest importance:: “A lot.”

Jason’s eye twitched.

Dick’s eyes went wide in response. “Uh oh. He went to the Danger Zone. Run Cass. We’ve unleashed the dogs of war!”

Cass was off and on her feet in a second, taking off down the hall like a rocket. “Not the dogs of war!” She yelled.

Dick was only seconds behind her when behind him, Jason rose like an eruption, growling wordlessly and sparks practically flashing from his suddenly flinty eyes. He charged after them like an enraged bull.

“Kenny Loggins wouldn’t want this!” Dick yelled over his shoulder as he rounded the doorway and vanished. Jason rounded it in hot pursuit.

“Poison Ivy won’t even be able to make compost from what’s left of you when I’m through!”

The yelling and running vanished into the distance. Duke and Tim finally looked at each other blankly.

“What?” Tim asked. Duke shrugged helplessly.

A door opened at the end of the hallway. Bruce stuck his head out. “Is it safe?”

Tim just stared at him.

“What?” Duke asked.

**************

LOL mostly I just want to get to the tail end of the series, when Dick and Jason go undercover as supervillains in the Society of well, Supervillains....Dick as War Shrike and Jason as Gray Jay. (A kind of bird usually known for or referenced as being thieving and unpredictable and unexpectedly dangerous despite its size. Jason never went into the Lazarus Pit here and so isn’t as huge as he is in canon, he’s on the smaller side due to his early life’s malnutrition. Living with Bruce helped him catch up enough that he’s not TINY tiny, but he’s still smaller enough that this particular mantle fits him a little better than it would his massive canon depiction).

Cass also partakes in the undercover storyline, just showing up uninvited in a persona she’s crafted for the mission and calls Black Swan. And War Shrike and Gray Jay are both so startled and obviously a little freaked by her unexpected arrival, that combined with her being ticked at her brothers for leaving her behind, RUDE, and them sufficiently cowed and guilted by her wrath, that it all adds up to the other villains as being clear evidence that she is the boss and they are her advance minions. 

Which mollifies and satisfies Cass immensely, and leaves Jason grumpy that their mission was hijacked and also his sister is The Worst, and leaves Dick temporarily disgruntled because This Whole Thing Was His Idea DAMMIT but then five seconds later finding it hilarious because Dick is a chaos connoisseur and he has an appreciation for whimsy and the unexpected.

“I can’t believe you not only gate-crashed our extremely sensitive and delicate undercover operation, but you completely hijacked it as well! This is so typical,” Jason grouched.

Cass simply swept ahead of him and strode down the hallway with lethal grace. “Silence minion.”

Jason spluttered behind her and she grinned to herself. He really made it too easy sometimes.

[mixelation]

[rolls the dice of ideas to throw at fellow Karin fans] Okay, consider an AU where Karin runs into Gaara during the Forest for Reasons (she did not want to run into him but she's a little more stymied by things like bears and couldn't get her team out of the way in time), and manages against all odds to awaken the chakra chains and... well, not STOP Shukaku, but causes enough trouble that the other sibs manage to convince Gaara she's not worth it. Konoha goes "Oh shit, Uzumaki" and Things Happen

okay but i want this to be Ultra Comedy Crack AU so like

1. it’s a no-Kyuubi-attack AU so Minato and Kushina are still alive, 3. no konoha crush, and then 3. Karin is actively being chased by a bear when she runs right into the sand sibs

Karin: DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU’RE SCARIER THAN A BEAR Kankuro: Uh, yes? (bear rips through the trees) Kankuro: Oh god, I’m not.  Temari: Ha! Gaara: mOtHeR !!!!!!

Anyway, the bear gets ripped to shreds by sand and Karin is like oh god, WHAT but also everything about the bear induces a lot of screaming. The bear is very scary, okay. So is watching Gaara gut it with sand, even if you’re used to Gaara murdering things. 

Obviously the sibs then demand Karin’s scroll and she’s like: “....I seem to have dropped it.” Temari is very rough about patting her down, but yeah, Karin is basically useless on that front. Temari and Kankuro debate trying to hold Karin ransom for her team, and meanwhile Gaara is like

Gaara: rip. tear. shred. kill. moTHER11! Kankuro: No, dude, you destroyed the last three scrolls we tried to get “ripping.” Karin: UM.  Temari: Gaara, wouldn’t it be nice to play a different game with the next group? No sand coffins? Karin: I would like to leave. 

Karin instead offers up her ability to find a different team for Gaara to direct his rage at, and she walks them right into two rando teams in the middle of duking it out. Gaara gets a little too excited about all the bloodshed, turns on Karin, and then she discovers she did inherit the rare bloodline limit. 

Gaara really doesn’t like being contained, though, and freaks out. Shukaku gets out enough that a Scene Is Caused. Karin nearly dies. Kankuro and Temari nearly die. The Hokage gets involved. Karin ends up in the Konoha Hospital, gets a visit from a VERY loud and chatty woman, and then

Kushina: I’m gonna steal her. Minato: You can’t steal another village’s genin. Kushina: But she’s an orphan. :( With a tragic backstory. :( Minato: You can’t steal another village’s genin.  Kushina: Go look at her arms. u.u

Minato, two hours later: Oh no we have to steal another village’s genin 

Minato’s Advisors: You can’t steal another village’s genin.  Minato: but we need her for...... Kyuubi reasons.......? Minato’s Advisors: (deep sighs all around)

Karin has not been informed she’s being stolen. 

Minato just sort of informs Grass that they’re not getting Karin back. Grass is pissed about it, but also they’re a small village and Konoha’s alliance with Sand is GREAT since Minato and Kushina fixed the Ichibi’s seal. Minato does send them like.... money or some rare scrolls something so he can be like “oh but we made a deal they totally agreed to!” on an international level. They didn’t though. They just have some scrolls they didn’t want and are missing their genin with magic blood. Oops. 

Kushina: I’M YOUR MOM NOW. Karin: What the fuck. 

So basically Karin is informed she’s never going home again because the Hokage’s unhinged wife wants to adopt her. Yes, she’s been informed the unhinged wife is technically related to her and she’s been promised a comfortable bite-free life, but it’s still. Like. Upsetting. 

Also, now she has an annoying.... cousin? brother? An annoying Naruto. 

Naruto: Okay, so. Here’s how it’s gonna go around here. You can have all the chicken ones you want, and I’m willing to share on the beef, but I get all the shrimp-- spicy or regular-- unless you ask really nice.  Karin: What the hell are you talking about? Naruto: Our cup ramen supplies, obviously! Anyway, here’s what you need to know about the electric kettle-- Mom tried to make it run on seals during a power outage, so you have to be careful with-- Karin: I am leaving now. 

The first time Karin tries to escape Konoha by sneaking out, the Hokage just like. Teleports into existence in front of her. There’s some screaming. Minato tries a pep-talk and Karin technically verbally agrees to be teleported back home, but also now she’s like. Mentally analyzing all the horrible barriers she has to escape. One is that her new quasi-dad can teleport, so she needs to learn how that works, ugh. 

There’s a few months where she’s supposed to get “acclimated” and then also have her skills tested. She does a lot of training sessions with Kushina, and Kushina talks about being a little kid in Uzu and then about having to transition to Konoha and helps Karin with the adamantine chains and Karin absolutely hates that she likes her. I don’t want to come up with a genin team for her, so Karin eventually starts getting rotated between the rookie nine + team gai as a “filler” for when someone is on medical leave or taking a separate mission.

But! The main crux of the story is Karin finding increasingly inventive ways to run away. She maps out Minato’s marker seals to try and avoid them and then, as she grows as a ninja, starts fucking with the seals so it’s harder to teleport to her exact location. She comes up with like twelve ways to avoid being tracked by dogs and kikaichu. When she’s sixteen she does something to temporarily blind a byakugan and several people lose their shit. 

She gets in trouble, obviously, but also she never gets branded a traitor or anything. By the time she’s good enough at it that she could conceivably actually run away, the point isn’t escape anymore. It’s that people will chase her and bring her back not because she has magic blood or whatever, but because they value her as a person. 

She moves out of the Uzumaki-Namikaze house when she’s 18 (she could have earlier, but she didn’t for reasons she will never disclose out loud), but she still shows up for family dinners. Naruto still calls her Nee-chan. And then she either goes into R&D or turns into a badass hunter-nin, take your choice. :P