#mean so much more than we can ever know
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ok. i played some guitar and cried for a while and there’s just one thing i wanna say here
for anyone who’s feeling overwhelmed, unsure how to navigate this grief, I’m here for you. whether this is your first encounter with grief or not, finding connection and community is so fucking important. especially the first little while after, but even years and years out as well.
grief can make us feel more prone to self isolation. it can feel like smth that’s so heavy you’ll never find the words for it anyway, so there’s no point in reaching out and “being a burden” to someone else by talking about smth so sad. and with this kind of grief, it lives in this ambiguous place where most ppl won’t understand why it might affect us the way it does. not everyone is gonna get it. but that doesn’t mean you need to shoulder it all yourself
as much as I have not been very active here this year, I am 10000% here for anyone who feels lost and needs someone to talk to. whether it’s about grief or not.
i love you all so much
#one thing that grief has taught me is that every single connection we have#even connections that seem small or fleeting or whatever#mean so much more than we can ever know#all we have is each other and sometimes there won’t be another chance to say ily to someone or to be a shoulder for someone to cry on#so just. know that i’m here#no question is too small or too silly or too weird#no reminiscing on old times will be too much#literally whatever y’all need#i’m here#ilysm#rowyn rambles
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so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and
#disventure camp#disventure camp fanart#tristan vik#disventure camp tristan#ghostofsnails#my art#It would be SO tedious to post all of these separately but to be honest ive been dead for so long that i think its just funnier like this#like. yeah. just in case you guys have been wondering what i've been up to.#I have like 2 more i think but i'll give them their own post so i can explain them#ive never hyperfixated on a character like this in my entire life. usually a character hyperfix is super intense and lasts like 2ish weeks.#GUYS ITS BEEN 2+ MONTHS. AND I STILL CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR CARTOON GOTH NONBINARY SILLY PERSON#actually fuck you can i write an essay in tags about why i love them. this is tumblr. and whose even gonna read this anyways. fukit we ball#i followed dc kinda casually as a guilty pleasure for a while but i was instantly drawn to tristan when the designs for the s4 cast dropped#i was like You're telling me there's a GOTH who is UPBEAT and isnt designed like a flawless elf TWINK and is NONBINARY? ME FR????#LIKE OHH THE GOTH NB GETS TO LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD. THEY GET TO BE UNCONVENTIONAL. my aesthetic attraction to them goes crazy. vampire style.#i remember when they got revealed people redesigned them to look more generically pretty & it PAINED ME bc it missed the point SO. BADLY.#ik some people find them boring also & even tho i disagree i can see it if u dont rlly care abt alt stuff. but for me the fact theyre so#kind & upbeat & extroverted WHILE being a SUBCULTURAL GOTH is the draw bc while i do get a kick out of the exaggerated depressed goth#stereotype - its not exactly true to life and so seeing a character that looks and acts like me and real goths makes feel so seen and happy#they also capture my desire to have goth friends SO BADLY im projecting on them SO HARD. They are such top tier friend material you guys...#AND THEYRE A FASHION DESIGNER WHICH FEELS SO IN THEME WITH BEING GOTH THAT IT MAKES ME SO JOYOUS AND CRAZY.#its all so funny because im 100x more excited about getting good goth rep than nonbinary rep LMFAOOO but them being nb is SO important too#Not to mention their voice actor is FANTASTIC and elevates them SOOO MUCH. Also the amount the va is obsessed with them fed my obsession -#sooo insanely you guys.... i feed off of other peoples emotional attachments. AND THEIR ACTING FOR TRIS ADDS SO MUCH DEPTH TO THEIR#CHARACTER IF YOU LOOK FOR IT. I COULD LITERALLY WRITE ESSAYS ABOUT TRISTAN YOU GUYS. IM NOT INSANE.#god you guys this is the first time ive ever had a genuine “i feel seen” feeling from a fictional character I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOW.#i LOVE NONBINARY PEOPLE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES. I LOVE HOW QUEERNESS AND GOTH CULTURE INTERSECTS AND HOW THATS REPRESENTED IN TRISTAN#THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND I KNOW THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. WHICH JUST MAKES THEM MEAN EVEN MORE TO ME. I LOVE LIFE.#its an endless feedback loop i fear. im trapped in it & loving every second. i will be drawing them until i am in my grave & maybe after.
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FOR A BEAT OF HEART, THE BREATH IS SHOT. AND WITHIN A BREATH, THE HEART IS CAUGHT. THE PIPES ARE BURSTING, UNDER GREAT STRESS, BOLTS TORN ASUNDER, MAKING A MESS. A FINAL COUGH, A FINAL RETCH, A GOREY SLOUGH, CLAIMED BY WRETCH.
#cw gore#jrwi riptide#jrwi riptide spoilers#chip jrwi#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#I LLOOOVE POETRYYY I LOVE MAKING WORDS RHYME IN STRANGE WAYS AND DESCRIBING VISCERA AND VIOLENCE OR WAHTEVER. YKNOW WHAT ELSE I LOVE#CHHHIIIIIIIBBOOOOO MY BEAUTIFUL MAAANN WWHAT. WHAT HAPPENED. OH MY GOD. IVE BEEN SAYING FOREVER. I NEEED CHIP TO GET SCARIER.#HE HAS THE POTENTIAL! I KNOW HE DOES! HAUNTED BOY WITH THE HAUNTED EYES WHAT TRAUMAS HAVE YOU SEEN? AND WERE THEY YOUR FAULT? THINK ABOUT I#EVERY FAMILY HAS CRUMBLED AROUND HIM. HIS BIRTH FAMILY CRUMBLED BEFORE HE KNEW IT. HIS SECOND FAMILY DROWNED. THIRD BURNED TO THE GROUND#AND SHALL THIS NEXT FAMILY JOIN THEM? CHIIIIP YOU UNFORTUNATE BOY YOU HAVE WITNESSED SO MUCH CALAMITY#YOU ARE CALAMITY BOYYY AHAHAHAHA DONT YOU SEEE!! ZOMBIFIED AND DEAD. TRUELY MORE HAUNTED THAN EVER BEFORE. THIS WILL BE FUN#THE FIRE HURTS WHEN IT BURNS TOO LONG. BUT NOW YOUR NERVES ARE DEAD AND YOUR MIND IS FREE. BURN THIS CORPSE AS YOU WISH TO GET WHAT YOU WAN#CHIP IS NOT THE FIRE HE IS THE MATCH. I LOVE THAT IDEA SO MUCH IM SO PROUD OF IT. OHHH AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CORRUPTION#bizly mentioned that chip wants to be a good captain. in his most corrupted state however. he would be the BEST captain..#thAT DOESNT MEAn hes gonna just suddenly be all controlling. the BEST captain keeps his crew safe. keeps them together. keeps them alive.#and chip is doing just that! he doesnt need to stop being a good captain just bc of the corruption! he just needs to be the BEST CAPTAIN#AND THATS SUBJECTIVE BABY!! im so excited to see where chips zombie arc goes. neeeed him to get scarier and just a little more fucked up.#neEED HIM TO PERFORM ABHORANT ACTIONS THAT HAVE JAY N GILL GOING ' dude woah what the fuck...'#RIGHT I SHOULD TALK ABT MY ART TOO. this one took TOO LONGGGstarted out witha sketch how did it end up like this...#the heart and the blood KILLED ME. LOOK AT MY RENDERING LIKE HWAAATT#better not see any more mistakes after i post this.... i cant fight withit anymore....STILL RLY PROUD THO..#I WAnted to make it visually LOOK like the grossest vomiting sound possible#i want it to make your throat feel uncomfortable. am i achieving that? i hope i am. thats tubes dude!!! like cmahn!
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winston my quant of billions
#''😒''#corned beef#winston billions#& green of all things; drew it in purpley pink & being like whoa hey is this too much deliberately breaking out this Rare Coloring#minty fresh....been funny to be rotating the villainy of; let's say; bsol & xmas & then thinking about billions' whole other world there#& its completely different take where of all things winston is like. treated as a villain in a way its sicko My God central men aren't#(who are also quite different from iconis villains but yknow with the very fundamental differences in general what else is a surprise)#axe? prince? alive & well & billions does mean to be commenting on that like yeah sure#but winston? gotta be humiliated & violated & attacked / killed (if figuratively + just by assumption Oh He's Fiiine)#as well as basically truly dead to everyone but in a Never Existed / Spontaneously Shunned way. nobody thinks about him ever again#including when non wretched central men characters are getting these silver linings Benefits from their sabotaging a central man#not winston though maybe; the writing has forgotten him / sees no worth in bringing him up unless At His Expense; not gain#didn't get background randos telling prince or the like to go fuck himself at any point. open contempt reserved for winston there#better to have Objective Entitlement to power over / access to people & then; hey what the; be an asshole about it???#than to not just Have that entitlement & not expect it & not try to use it & be friendly & minding your own business as much or more than#any other characters like good lord what a Loser. the queerness & disability of this inferiority? just some jokes (at winston's expense)#& we will be killing him like nobody even considers for central men takedowns. those are polite & we all have Some regret it came to this#better to abuse people than. be so unepic (different from Normal white cishet 50some men who love certain media)#& on that note you're never gonna guess what's Good to do to the unepic people who bring it upon themselves....yeah haha. abuse#you're never gonna guess but power difference is a given & also good if an epic person has that power. & on that note#what can they do with it but keep unepic people in their place? what other hope do we have? winston may try to say a pun. or speak at all :#anyway while there's the absolute joys of Any Good Bastard over in a wildly different oeuvre it's like well yknow#while winston is already Ruining Things as more a Wretched Sicko Evil Asshole for seeing himself as a person & others as people#instead of himself as an inferior who has to apologize for existing & initiating any interaction vs only ever doing as he's told#unlike the best heroes who know they're superior & will use others & mess with their lives however they feel is justified; you're welcome#like well if winston's such an exceptional dick(tm) around here that he has to be introduced w/discussion / explanation around this#great let him be even bitchier & more ''difficult''....& billions would never & that's why [sorry to all the characters trapped in there]#the slightest glimpses of like & The Quasirival Weirdo Duos Are Kinda Being Cunts b/w usual parallels riawin & taylip#what comes of that? oh nothing. but as ever these are at least glimpses of a little more liveliness & range for making room for this a sec#anyway imagine getting so niche that your other kinda just as niche thing is like. less niche. but not really. wheee yayyy fr lol My Whimsy
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Thinking about the convolution of Eleventh Doctor's expressions of love for River Song in Season 7B. He does not trust Clara. He is utterly (wrongly) convinced that he and Clara are playing a grand manipulative game together. “What are you, eh?! A trick? A trap?!!”
So naturally, the last thing he should do in this game is to clue his opponent in on something that could be used to hurt him. Something like River, so painfully near the end of their time together, whose data ghost he can always see, who “it would hurt too much” to acknowledge. He can't let Clara know of the loss which constantly floods his senses; (“You are always here to me. And I always listen, and I can always see you,” he professes, once Clara has vanished into his timestream).
And yet. River fills his every moment (irregardless of any sneaking out for dates with increasingly-young Rivers while Clara is asleep like he did while the Ponds slept, which would explain his absence when the TARDIS is hiding Clara's bedroom). Even though it's not strategic, he can’t help but tell Clara about her. The best defense he can manage is to phrase it as if River isn’t as important to him as she is. Not only is avoiding her first name in his grief; he's also completely avoiding pronouns; which seems extreme given that he's still mentioning her as often as: “Oh yeah, of course he has! Professor Song! Sorry, it's just I never realized you were a woman.”
Leave out the emotion — leave out the details — don't show the cracks in the armor — play the part — win the game.
“Well, there's no point now. We're about to die. JUST TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.”
#I mean we KNOW that the doctor immediately started pouring his hearts out to Clara as soon as NotD ended <3#Clara tells the war doctor “he's always talking about the day he did it” okay so he's always talking about it starting after the prev ep#eleventh doctor#river song#clara oswald#words by seaweed#yeah I know the implication in Name of the Doctor is that eleven is two-timing them / worried abt Clara being jealous. which. eh. maybe.#but I like this better. also both things can be true if we want them to be#eleven is in SUCH a bad way in Season 7B too he needs to be held#���I thought it would hurt too much and I was right” ever think about how Clara was there for in the deepest moments of his grief?#whether his sad victorian cloud… on the Last Day… or on the day he was finally able to say Rivers name. he thought it would hurt too much#Tia made a really insightful post recently about how eleven can’t speak rivers name when she's gone and like. god. yeah.#it also made me think about. who would he even talk to River about? if he could? after years on a cloud drowning in her present nonpresence#ever think how if HoRS had happened before Hell Bent he never could've dealt with it and coulda broke the universe for River instead#Series 9 was a continuation/escelation of eleven's (and next twelve's) “he hates endings” - endings for Amy and Rory. for River. for Clara.#he hit rock bottom. and then Clara saved him#“You said memories become stories when we forget them. Maybe some of them become Songs.”#thank you Clara <3#one episode later:#“When the wind stands fair and the night is perfect when you least expect it but always when you need it the most- there is a Song.”#bc this is NOT to undervalue the Doctor's love for Clara he has a Duty of Care she's more Breakable than him (also than river!)#but it can it really be a coincidence? bc he is talking abt river in the second one. unless Moffat is obsessed with Song imagery? I MEAN
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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whatever questions i’ve ever had dublin answered them all
#miss them (always) and rummaging through recordings of night 2#and wondering how could it ever be doubted that— if not more than half— then all songs are about them two#there’s simply no need to theorize when the man pointed and sang to a single figure all. night. long.#i can go on and on and i have but it doesn’t shock me any less to be reminded that that night happened#‘i don’t wanna be hers i wanna be yours’ spends the whole song pretending that his public girlfriend does not exist#and has his eyes and feet and body fully attracted to the right of the stage#where the only person he knows best in that section happens to be miles#and then continues to blend that song with a totally unrelated song from a completely separate album#but both pertaining totheir coded themes and specialized diction#he didn’t beat any allegations that night he verified them#all those songs we were hesitant about their meaning - he forwards them to his far right with confidence and sincerity#could only imagine how much worse it would be if they performed ultracheese or mr schwartz#would love to hear annie remind him of that night a few years later like how she calls him out for his tlsp shenanigans#i love when she interviews them it’s like they’ve been around her for so long and get more comfortable with certain topics#i think she knows that they know that she knows lol#i still have so much more to note about dublin but maybe another day i’ll find the coherence to put it in a proper post#aaaahgshdicksoeifiew#milex#tlsp#arctic monkeys dublin
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Voted for Bumble bc of course but also if you think Alex would not pspsps Bumble you are wrong. If they could communicate they would go to therapy together /s
If then could communicate they would go to therapy together
/GEN
Kyle/Green Lantern resurrects her but then he becomes convinced that she's not the same person she was before the incident, OR SOMETHING SOMETHING Black Lanterns aren't ACTUALLY bad they're just misunderstood Grim Reaper types, in either case Alex ends up breaking it off with Kyle because they've become very different people.
And then Bumble's there
And then they go to therapy or Alex adopts Bumble, and then uhhh Bumble's like one of the superpets. Like Krypto the Superdog. Free premise go forth and play with it if ur a DC fan
#bone babble#Again I don't actually know a lot about the DC universe besides what my friend tells me#But also from reading into the Black Lanterns having them be evil sound like a WHOLE wasted opportunity#Lanterns are supposed to be emotions yeah? so why the hell are we downplaying the emotion of GRIEF?#There's a whole lot you could do with that actually. Death doesn't deserve to just be a villain of the week#And hell. You could explore some WILD emotions here about Alex becoming so much more than Kyle's tragedy#Can I still mourn you when you aren't dead?#What does it mean for me that the worst thing that ever happened to me has become an opportunity for her?#And... does this make me selfish for not being happy for her?#For not trying to understand the person she has become? for only thinking of how this impacts myself#RE: THIS IS NOT A DIG AT DC FANS#BUT I want to share that like... a reason I've kinda had a hard time getting into comics is because like... really interesting premises--#like that often get turned into Monster-of-the-Week struggles for the heroes to punch into submission#I've probably just seen really bad summaries or not found the editions that would appeal to me specifically#But it's kinda why the only DC hero I'm really interested in is Superman#Because a lot of his thing is that he's a good GUY#And that creates a lot of interesting moral questions#Like YES he's a good guy. YES he has no ulterior motive. But what if he DID?-- how can EVERYONE ELSE in the universe truly know that-#for sure?#And that's cool and I really like the snippets I've seen especially between him and batman#But anyway. so much fridging and misogyny in the world of comics has kinda turned me away from getting into it#because. VERY often. Misogyny can be... *tied* to a bit of a lack of imagination. Or empathy on behalf of a particular writer#RE: There is good stuff in DC PLEASE understand im not trying to be insulting
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I need a completely rewritten teen wolf series with Derek Hale as the main character. I think it would heal me.
#we follow Derek from New York. Laura left for beacon hills. it’s been six years since he was back but he hasn’t heard from her#and hes going stir crazy waiting. he packs up and travels back. it’s almost too much immediately. he still can’t get a hold of Laura#he can’t resist going home. it’s like a natural pull that guides him back. all at once he’s 16 again. staring at the wreckage of his life#deputy stilinski is sherrif now. it’s reassuring in the slightest that the police force seems to have moved on from how corrupt it was#he catches her scent and it’s putrid. bile catches in his throat. he seeks it out. still in denial to what he knows it means.#when he finds Laura it’s like the world ends all over again. he can’t stand to see her like this. he gives her a proper burial.#the best he can do at least#he visits Peter. he’s not the man Derek remembers- so full of fire and cunning. their relationship may have been strained at times.#often Derek felt more like Eve being swayed by the snake than a normal friendship#but this isn’t the sharp tongued uncle who guided him. this is a broken shell. all that remained of his family. he was so lost.#22 but he barely knew how to function without his family- his pack paving the way#Laura handled everything. she got the apartment. she made sure they had food. Derek looks back and feels so useless#he was so lost in his grief. Laura must of felt the same way but she never let them drown in it#she made sure he got his GED. even got him to enroll in community college classes.#he took them online. he never was able to warm up to people the same way. he used to be so full of life. now he just wanted to be left alone#he studied English. never finished his degree. doesn’t look like he ever will now. he can’t go back to Laura and his shared home.#can’t bare to see another shell of a home#he vents to the vacant audience of Peter and his cold fixed eyes#Derek leaves. he wants to promise he’ll return soon#but promises feel costly these days#he decides to go back to the reserve. maybe he can find some clue as to what happened to Laura#someone lured her here. someone who knew them and their history here#his mind went to the worst. Kate. why would she go through the trouble six years later. why wait so long.#Derek couldn’t stomach the thought of facing her. he focused on the woods. the scents were all over the place.#clearly multiple people had been through here recently. two scents were much stronger. Derek follows them#but when he hears the crunch of leaves he realizes why the scents are so strong. they’re still here#he ducks behind some trees. listening in on their conversation. but an echo of their scent catches his attention#he spots an inhaler on the ground. he puts two and two together and swipes it from the leaves.#he comes out once they’re closer. tossing over the inhaler- he figures they’ll leave. dumb kids messing around in the woods#he reminds them this is private property. though that may not be true anymore. he recognizes the scent of a new beta. interesting.
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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#oh boy#the thing about offering help to people#they really. truly. need to be willing to accept it.#and when they arent. theres not much you can do.#i got a client last week who has one of the worst homes i have ever seen in my life#i did not know it was possible for a house to be so bad#whatever youre imagining its probably worse than that#and like. we want to help. there *is* help. help is not the issue#the issue is accepting that you *need* it. the issue is acknowledging that you are overwhelmed with your life and cant do it on your own#the issue is having to give up some autonomy in exchange for a more bearable living situation#(in this case that means: someones gotta professionally deep clean this place and throw everything out whether you like it or not.)#the issue is that when it comes down to it we will grant people their autonomy every time. and rightfully so.#but the price for that is knowing that they will eventually be killed by their own waste and theres nothing you can do about it
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is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5
#hermes staying domitian’s hand… hermes’ face a flash of discomfort when he was torturing tenax… hmm. character growth.#WHAT WAS THAT HERMES. WHAT WAS THAT LOOK. NO GIRL GET BACK HERE I CANNOT ALSO DO THIS NARRATIVE OF YOU NO LONGER ABLE TO PULL HIM BACK FROM#THE BRINK OF HIS CRUELTY WATCHING HIM CHANGE AND SEEKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS NEED AND FEAR AND ANGST. NO BABY GIRLLLL#I DON’T WANT TO WRITE A HERMES POINT OF VIEWWWW OF THE SIX YEARS HE SPENT WATCHING DOMITIAN BLOOMMMM INTO HIS POWER AND CORRUPTTTT because.#correct me if i’m wrong but in that very first scene that was a young hermes in the white right he watched domitian give his speech and saw#his father to truly see him the whole time as hermes has seen his brilliance.#NO I ALSO SAW THAT GUARD’S HEAD FOLLOW HERMES oh i hate it here. you know what i also hate? i need domitian to be successful for tenax#but also i do kinda like titus… NOOOOOO NO KILLING TITUS DOMITIAN I JUST SAID I LIKED HIM!!!! DOMITIAN!!!#oh. ohhhh no. OH NOOOO okay listen we can redeem this. we can have the whole turning point of the narrative be domitian’s mercy of hermes#the ultimate staying of his hand. proving he’s not entirely gone that hermes & his love still means something. do i think this will happen#no absolutely not. before he can kill his brother domitian has to kill the only other living person he loves perhaps more than titus if he#could ever realize it. (a brief interlude to yell LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HI IRIS) domitian… please spare him… OH WAIT HELLO THE BLOOD!!#ALSO a brief interlude to say i knew it was coming but ELIA’S SPEECH ABOUT LOVING INCITATUS??? I WAS ON THIS INCITATUS SHIT WITH THE LITTLE#NOD THEY HAD WHERE SCORPUS CALLED HIM TO BEAT XENON OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! elia’s going to crush him. incitatus won’t listen.#scorpus is going to die twice once when they call elia’s name instead of his and then the second time when the scorpion bites him again#(he kills himself and tenax finds him. sorry to give everyone absolutely maximum damage here but uh. that’s how i can see it going down)#or alternatively worse: after killing titus who at times he loves and hates in equal measure (if y’all don’t think I have some UNHINGED#brothers quotes. we’ll keep mum here about why but suffice to say it is. relevant to other fandoms. and thus i have a Collection) the last#thing domitian has to do is kill hermes. and this one is both out of betrayal but also love because I think somewhere in here titus’ queen#berenice plays a role because domitian’s hatred of the jews probably comes to play a role and I think titus would show up and protect her#like Domitian engineers some kind of a situation where in theory titus could escape alive or beat him but he can’t do that & save berenice#and so of course he saved berenice. or she dies in his arms and he goes mad with grief and any way you put it berenice is the trap & titus#happily crawls into the lion’s mouth to save her for love of her etc and domitian sees him die for it. he gives titus every chance to come#back to him to work with him to be what he wants him to be and he always chooses himself he chooses love and domitian can’t understand even#when it makes him weak. and then he sees hermes dirty and emaciated and still terribly terribly beautiful and feels such a pang of longing#and love that he decides he has to die because he (domitian) cannot be weak. he cannot have any of it. also giving domitian worse paranoia#than he already has because if you kill your brother the one person who should always love you—support you—who can build me a new brother—#you’ve gotta generate some MAJOR issues. namely trust issues. and if he kills hermes they’ll be even worse. so like ideally To Me domitian#wouldn’t kill him but i do very much see the symbolism of cutting off his last earthly tie & desire to ascend to the divine imperial throne#those about to die
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#i never really post about my Real Life Stuff on this account anymore but i feel like i must acknowledge the elephant in the room.#especially as a lesbian who lives in one of the most backwards southern states in the country.#the last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. because of politics; because of work; because of a lot of stuff.#i know a lot of you are feeling the same which sucks but also shows we are in this together!#there is so much to be angry about but now more than ever i want to focus on the things i love#i love my family. i love my friends. i love my community. i love you.#i love creating art and consuming it. i love my job for giving me the means to help people even if its in a relatively small capacity.#i love being a lesbian no matter how loud hateful idiots believe they can be.#anyways.#hang in there guys. stay safe. stay connected. isolating yourself is not the answer.#carolcore
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feel like I've genuinely spent at least a quarter of my day too horny to think. i was going to do some kind of art today but I've been thinking about the boy...
#for like the third day in a row#me: I've gotten so much hotter fr like i'm SO hot now and i was already hot i can't believe this#me when a friend who knew me from before says he thinks I'm hot: buddy what do you MEAN??¿?¿¿ 😵💫😵 really?? 👉🏾👈🏾#i enjoy his friendship and his company ♡ and i don't want to make it weird so i needed to cool off for a couple hours (。ノω\。)#i just kinda asked him if he wants anything more of me and what his boundaries are :3c and we can go frm there#i don't like to drive myself crazy wondering and letting a crush build. i nip it in the bud before it consumes me by just asking 😌#this isn't my first crush on him but i did keep the other ones to myself.. he's different 👉🏾👈🏾 but things r p different these days#and it's been a while since we've last seen each other. I've never been more attracted to him than i am now 😵💫😵💫#what happened.. wait no we have been getting closer i suppose. I remember always wanting to know him more in our#friend group back then and i feels rly nice to actually understand him more these days (❁´◡`❁) ♡ to be seen and understood myself.#it's a whole thing lol but basically i split off frm our old group then he kinda got kicked out and the group fell apart#but then we reconnected months later and we're better friends than we've ever been :3 i like him and appreciate him either way ♡#😮💨 having a crush on someone is so exhilarating yet exhausting lmaoo. he's a good boy though i like himmm ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ#ougggh... waaaahh.... auhgggghhhhggggg........#i haven't had a crush on someone in a while (。ノω\。) I've been blissfully hanging w my bestie but he keeps getting me#god..
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I've been thinking a lot about how Rook's reunion with his former mentor, Zara, is going to go, and since I can't predict what the DM is going to have her do or say, I can only dwell on what I know is going to happen. Which happens to include taking off the illusion ring that's been hiding his injuries from her. So have a snippet of the description I have planned for that moment:
tw for description of (mostly healed) injuries
He hesitates, twisting a ring on his finger. Looking at it more closely, she can tell it’s very finely crafted, and must have been very expensive. A large emerald is set into the band. Rook sighs, and pulls the ring off his finger in one quick motion. Immediately she’s struck by the difference in his appearance as the illusion melts away. He looks awful. His warm, healthy skin fades to a dull and sickly grey. There’s huge bags under his deeply sunken eyes, and his cheeks are hollowed, as though they have been carved out by an overeager sculptor. He looks like he’s recently risen from the grave. While he was thin before, now she can see his ribs under the skin, and his collarbones are exaggeratedly pronounce. Thin white lines left by dozens upon dozens of recently healed cuts are scattered across his body. On top of that, faded bruises cover most of his visible skin, a mottled mosaic of purple and yellow. They’re clearly days, maybe weeks old, and she can only begin to imagine what they must have looked like when fresh. Bandages are barely visible under his shirt, wrapping around his back, hinting at even more injuries.
#morrigan.text#my writing#dnd writing#oc: Rook#oc: Zara#Poor Zara.#she's gonna feel so fucking guilty about everything that's happened to him in the last 3 years even though it's not her fault.#yes she pissed off Wolf but she had no way of knowing Wolf would go after Rook instead of her.#(I don't even know what she did to piss off Wolf. That's the Big Reveal that's going to happen when Rook sees her again.)#but yeah. Seeing him like this and knowing/thinking that it's because of her actions... it's going to destroy her and that kills me.#I don't know what she did but I *do* know that she never intended for Rook to get hurt. She loves him too much for that.#but Rook could never blame her for anything. He'd forgive her just about anything. And that will probably only make her feel worse.#Rook and his mentors will never ever fail to fuck me up big time.#his undying devotion and naive faith in them which is such a stark contrast to his usual distrust of people.#and it gets him hurt every time even though the don't *mean* to hurt him. But Sigmar's case was definitely much more malicious than Zara's.#this reunion is going to be such a huge turning point for Rook's character and his personal development as a character.#well really it's a combination of things all happening at once that are going to be the turning point.#1) the fact that the party rescued him from Wolf which has literally no other explanation than that they love him and care about him.#2) seeing Zara again and finally getting that closure that he never got three years ago plus being to reestablish the most important#relationship in his entire life. Plus she's just a good influence on him all-around a much-needed source of support after Sigmar's betrayal#3) getting gifted the Tide Breaker (Zara's old ship) and having to learn some responsibility for once in his life will be very good for him#and I guess you could also say that 4) my temporary character Val talking some sense into him has something to do with it lmao.#but we'll see how this all plays out bc while I know these things are going to happen they technically haven't happened yet.#I'm not gonna RP the conversation between Rook and Val bc it would just be me talking to myself for a long time but I am gonna write it up#when we get to that point so I can show it to the DM so he knows what they talked about. Plus it will be a very fun exercise bc Val was#literally designed to be Rook's opposite in just about every way. They're very wise and responsible and Rook is a reckless idiot.#(but I love him anyways.)#So it's gonna be fun to balance writing both of them in the same conversation.#anyways. these tags are SO FUCKING LONG already. If you read this far I'm giving you your favorite dessert and a hug if you want it.#and also pledging you my undying allegiance for life. <3
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