#me: i'm trying to distance myself from the discourse

[velvetvexations]

Hey, sorry if this is weird, you can ignore it if you want.

Just wanted to say that I’ve stumbled upon your blog completely randomly, and it’s truly been a healing balm regarding the state of trans discourse online.

I’m transmasc, and I guess bc of some of my following I’ve ended up in the orbit of these “trf” circles, so some of their posts would appear on my dash on occasion, and it’s truly been like suffering a slow carbon monoxide poisoning. The slow drip-feed of ideas like the incommunicability of our (but esp transfems) experiences to each other, the seemingly zero grace given to transmascs (I remember vividly a screen of a couple dating app messages where a transmasc was saying to a trans woman that he “loves tall women”, and then apologizing, and the reblogs were just. baselessly assuming active malice from the guy and all transmascs as a demographic), the dismissal of our struggles, and even minor stuff like calling us “transandrobros” and refusing us the possibility of giving a name to our own struggles, it’s been making me feel worse and worse.

I have transfems in my real life that I care about and cherish deeply, that make my life brighter in these trying times, and all these posts have slowly made me paranoid that I was hurting them (consciously and subconsciously), that I could never meaningfully support them, and that they’d never be happy around me and be better off ditching me, and like. it hurts.

(The argument can be made, and wouldn’t be incorrect, that whatever hurt I’m facing is insignificant compared to the threats the average transfem faces, I know, but still, exactly because of this I want to be a positive influence in their life, I wanna know how to be good to transfems, and all these posts are just telling me that I can never not be just someone that only adds to their struggles)

For the longest time I was actively subjecting myself to these posts because I desperately want to be good to the transfems in my life, I wanted to uncover my own biases and overcome them, and you can imagine how this form of doomscrolling has just hurt me and made me resent my own identity. At some point I stumbled on an old post recapping baeddel ideology and realized that’s what I was falling into, and started distancing myself, but it still felt like that was the more prominent stance and so it still felt somewhat isolating. And now I found you.

Idk, all this is to say: thank you for the grace you give transmascs, thank you for reminding me that I’m not evil for existing, for showing me and reminding me that solidarity between transmascs and transfems is not only possible but already real, and for showing me a brighter present.

Wish you all the best

I'm happy to do what I can, anon. <3 It's so important that we support each other.

[quiet-admirer]

...

[hadesoftheladies]

actually, I DID have gender dysphoria as a teenage girl without being exposed to anything about it on the internet, on top of "racial dysphoria" and body dysmorphia

there were points I DID want to kill myself because i wasn't, or bleach my skin or change my body, i would have done anything to be a white boy at one point

which is both sad and funny to me because i remember two of my then good friends explain being enby and transgender to me and me being like "that doesn't make any sense" and it's because of trans-discourse we eventually broke up. the closest i ever got to accepting trans-ideology was transmedicalism with weak support for "queer" culture. i did not understand pronouns, but i understood dysphoria. but i did not understand how one could be a man or woman without the sex characteristics.

how did i heal?

one, i left church. that was one of the places i was most scrutinized for my physical body. two, i distanced from my parents, especially my mom. who often made my ocd and body-image worse (not because she was mean, but because she was always fretting about "decency"). three, i focused on bettering my personal space. writing, reading, watching my comfort shows, getting the focus off me. four, i started eating better, and my body became less burdensome. i stopped getting horrible period pain. five, i surrounded myself with self-confident women and stopped trying to resurrect toxic friendships with girls and boys (especially boys). started eliminating each toxic friend and focusing my efforts on healthier relationships. six, i'd started educating myself on my own history, watching and listening to more black and African people. even when i didn't enjoy what they made or resonate with it, i found i appreciated the experience and could allow myself to hate or love whatever i found.

by the time i discovered radical feminism, this was like, the final step for me: consuming women-centric literature and media. this was HUGE. i'd see paintings and photography of women in all shapes, colors and sizes. i'd listen to master musicians, read women philosophers, anthropologists, etc. this started mending a lot of what caused initial disquiet when it came to my dysphoria or dysmorphia.

basically, i took myself out of bad environments (especially those which force you to scrutinize every detail about yourself, like social media, i took long breaks from that), drew boundaries with people i couldn't get rid of, learned about myself (ocd, dyscalculia, anxiety, female biology) so that i developed understanding and could empathize, stopped centering men and white people.

now, while there's still a hint or trace of dysmorphia and dysphoria, it doesn't plague my life. it's like the occasional itch. more of a mild temptation to go down a dark hole than an actual threat. and i've learned how to handle those.

i learned the root of things. not just my history, but the root of how society worked and how it affected me. and i'm still learning, and my life is still improving.

so yeah, girls and women going through this is normal and common. anyone who is used to who they are being shameful is more at risk (like gnc lgb kids), but you can recover. usually better if you get out of the places that are making you sick.

[autismasgore]

i'm leaving the fandom

so i already posted about this on twitter with a shorter explanation but after a long while of being in the undertale fandom, i've decided to distance myself from it. i'm not sure if i'll ever make a public return on any of these accounts, but for now i've decided that i feel this is what's best for me mentally.

i'm kind of surprised i haven't already, to be honest, but i guess for a good while i was able to focus on the passion and love i had for the game. nowadays, i've been finding it harder and harder to interact with the fandom as a whole - for a multitude of reasons really.

many of you are already aware i went through a stalking incident over asgore discourse, which lasted from late 2019 to 2023. it was the most traumatizing years of my life, and i don't even remember a time where i actually felt at peace with myself during those years. the only time i remember being happy was pouring all of my focus onto undertale even harder, just to try and cope with what was going on. it didn't help that at the time, my abusive family was blaming me for being stalked and telling me i was just doing this all for attention and that i loved the "drama" of it.

i really didn't want to do this, because it feels like such a huge betrayal of everything i've loved for so long (hi, i'm autistic and undertale was my special interest, in case you haven't noticed yet LOL) but at this point i associate too many traumatic memories with undertale, specifically the fandom.

since getting more into steven universe and browsing the fandom casually it made me realise just how toxic the undertale fandom is as a community right now. i mean, let's be real, it's always been this way, but i feel like it's gotten a whole lot more worse lately - more insane.

it honestly felt like such a huge breath of fresh air to go into a fandom tag that Didn't have any toxic sludge or people discoursing about liking certain characters (cough Asgore cough) and whether or not that makes you a bad person. it felt like total whiplash, seeing people discussing a show they liked and sharing fanart instead of seeing constant discourse about it.

i've also been seeing a lot of my friends go through absolute fucking bullshit lately, and it's honestly really stressful because it felt like my stalker incident was becoming a more popularized and public sentiment in the fandom. which... honestly is scary to me. people are becoming more openly hostile, more openly insane with their accusations. i've been trying to remain hopeful and optimistic about the fandom, but the more things that have happened, the less hopeful i feel.

i don't want to be in this sort of community. i don't want to be in a community where people feel glee in hurting others, tearing other people down and slinging around serious accusations because it makes them feel powerful.

i want to be in a community/fandom that makes me feel actual joy, and not a constant source of stress.

there's also another reason why i decided to distance myself online rn as well, and it's not really related, but it was enough that i feel incredibly uncomfortable going by the name "pixie" rn.

last year, a youtuber i knew decided to put me on blast and straight up called me an abuse apologist and that i should be avoided at all costs, all bc i quietly distanced myself from posting publicly about the situation and decided to avoid jumping to conclusions.

i don't entirely blame them, since there's definitely things i feel i could have done better, but a lot of what they said was already privately resolved between us, and they left a lot of that out in order to paint a false narrative about me. i mean they literally had saved hundreds of deleted posts from my deleted old social media accounts. i know this because they've done this before with other people. i also know that this comes from a place of hurt and anger, they're lashing out at a community they felt hurt by, but their way of coping with it isn't healthy.

because they had thousands of followers, i started getting a ton of harassment, from people saying i wasn't trustworthy and calling me an abuse apologist, and even private nasty dms i don't really want to get into.

i didn't say anything at the time bc i was worried i'd come across as attention seeking/manipulative but. i became straight up actively suicidal after this. i was convinced nothing was going to ever get better for me and that i was an active danger to everyone. my mum ended up dragging me all the way to the city literally just to buy me the macbook i wanted in order to try and cheer me up, and even then i felt so depressed that i felt like i didn't have anything to look forward to. honestly the only thing that really kept me going was my friends privately supporting me.

to put it short, it felt like a repeat of my stalker situation and i don't feel comfortable going by pixie anymore because i associate so much trauma with that name right now. i feel like so many people who don't have good faith intentions know me as that name, more than people i'm friends with.

i don't even know if i'll ever post on social media ever again, or at least not in the way i used to. if i do end up making a new social media with a new rebrand, you won't hear from me about it. i want to be more private now.

tl;dr if you're still reading this, thank you for sticking by me for so long. this ended up being a lot longer than i anticipated, but i think i'm done with the name "pixie", and i think i'm done with the undertale fandom for now.

i know i'll be able to move on into a better place once i move forward to this chapter.

thanks for the memories.

[aphelion-alifer]

☽ welcome ☾

EDIT 12/3/24: CONSIDER HELPING ME OUT! https://www.tumblr.com/aphelion-alifer/768176073578086400/from-one-nonhuman-to-another-i-need-help?source=share

✩

hi, I'm aphelion alifer (he/they), and this is my blog! you can call me aphelion (pronounced "uh-FEE-lee-un"). my name means furthest from the sun (aphelion), or a winged creature existing in freedom in the distance (aphelion alifer). this isn't my real name, but it's what I want to be called by at least on this blog for privacy reasons.

✩

I'm an adult (19 years old) and have been around the nonhuman community for at least 10 years as of writing this. I support all kinds of nonhuman identities, experiences, and beings. my blog is directed towards any nonhuman looking for a safe space, specifically those who are physically nonhuman (shapeshifters, extra limb growers or wing growers/avians, etc), but anyone is welcome. I also consider myself to be spiritual, a reality shifter, furry, and witch, so I might reblog things other than nonhuman stuff. I mostly share posts relating to my experiences, thoughts, things I like, etc. on this blog, I prefer not to talk about my mental health struggles, but I might reblog posts related to mental health. this blog is SFW.

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physically I am an avian (as well as a werewolf-like being) and have had a very strong calling to the sky since I was a child, which is how I knew that I am physically meant to have wings. this is an experience that is very deep and personal to me. aside from being an avian, I also tend to have werewolf-like instincts and mental shifts occasionally, and I believe that I can physically shift into a wolf-like creature but I'm not sure yet! and spiritually I am some kind of horned black kite that resembles maleficent's phoenix form which isn't physical. I am still figuring myself out, and this may change, except for my calling to the sky and general connection to winged beings/wings in general. my calling is permanent and lifelong. also, I believe that my soul originates from a different planet in a different universe and that this may be one of my first times on earth in a physical body, but I'm not sure where I come from or if this is 100% true. I'm still discovering myself just like everyone else!

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I'm the author of "Nonhumanity: A history", a document that is a timeline of the nonhuman community and also serves as an archive for older articles and websites. it can be found here: Aphelion Alifer - 2024 (google.com)

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I believe in good energy and keeping bad vibes out, and I'm not here for discourse or fights! anything anti therian/otherkin/alterhuman and nonhuman will be blocked. adding on, I do believe in DNI's and respecting them, and I should have one, but I just freely block, ignore or report anyone who makes me feel unsafe or uncomfortable without making it a big deal (things like radqueers, trump supporters/right wing folks, anti furry, anything paraphilia related, or individuals that are hateful or generally rude to me or try to cause issues, as well as other topics that I didn't bring up will be blocked, ignored or reported!)

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thanks for taking the time to read this and check out my little corner of the web, I look forward to being on this journey with like-minded individuals!

✩

dividers by: https://www.tumblr.com/saradika/729485214970216448/hi-im-just-a-big-fan-of-your-blog-everything?source=share

[corviddusk]

I am Neutral on "shipcourse"

I hate like rehashing this discourse because it centers around a lot of trauma for me as a human trafficking survivor and as someone who was on the internet way too young and got harassed by people in mass droves online but I just wanted to make a post about it.

I am not antiship.

I am not proship.

I consider myself media literate and critical (profic but not proship)

I'm going to list off issues I have with both communities and I'll also mention aspects I have found good about both, then explain why I label myself now as neutral and kinda cringe at my past as an antishipper. I may not be proship myself but I'm still in a sense... An ex-anti.

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

Issues with Antishippers

Literal puritanism. Like full on "well you shouldn't have been wearing that if you didn't want to be assaulted" type puritanism.

Anti-kink stances that mirror radfem ideology

Anti-sex in general

The inability to just block people and curate their own spaces

Cross tagging so much crosstaging

Actual harassment especially of children

Inability to accept nuance or understand that there may be more than one reason for someone to be proship

Encouragement to emotionally self harm and not distance yourself from things that are openly triggering.

Going into people's asks or DMs whining about who they follow

Labeling anyone who doesn't engage with the discourse as proship or proship defenders and then in turn "pedophiles/pedo defenders"

Allowing minors in their spaces and sending porn or barley censored porn to talk about how "gross" it is (THIS IS STILL SENDING A CHILD PORN LEAVE THEM ALONE YOU'RE COMMITTING A CRIME)

Sharing around the content they're against to get people riled up instead of trying to be helpful to people wanting to not be triggered by seeing it.

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

Issues With Proshippers

Anger and lashing out at people who are not as sexual as them. "PURITEENSSS RAHHH" When that is a literal child who probably doesn't want to have sex because they're a CHILD. Maybe children are going to have more likely innate disgust at sexual topics and shouldn't be involved in the discourse?

The inability to block people and curate their own spaces (oh look both sides have this issue)

Crosstaging all the fucking time... (Both sides again)

Actual harassment to the point it's a joke they claim to be anti-harassment (Literally some of the biggest accounts that are "proship" oriented are focused on harassing and bullying random people online and usually children :/)

Inability to accept nuance or understand that there may be more than one reason for someone to be antiship (it's both again)

Encouragement to emotionally self harm and not distance yourself from things that are openly triggering. (Yeah both do this)

Labeling anyone and everyone who doesn't have exactly 100% the same opinions "alt right" or calling it "Nazi rhetoric" or screaming about them being puritanical even over slight disagreements

Get offended at the idea of criticizing any media because how dare you have opinions on media I guess... "No more fun if your fun slightly annoys me and makes me upset even though I claim I only care about harm!"

Also allowing minors into their space and/or in mass speaking to children on porn accounts for having "the wrong opinion™" with their porn accounts

Supporting actual child grooming and predation in proship spaces and defending 20+ year olds speaking in private DMs to a 13- year old about the ethics of pornography and trying to get the little kid to like a certain kind of porn (This is about something I saw proshippers come out in droves to defend in the Obey me fandom)

Sharing around the posts of the people they don't like that are against them and riling everyone up and purposefully triggering others for the sake of discourse (similar to antis)

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

So yeah both sides have a child abuse problem, a self harm problem, issues with etiquette, and issues with making any form of cohesive point. Now this isn't to say that all these issues are always in every single individual anti/proshipper. Everyone is different, some people will engage in one way or another but I want to be clear this is about what I've seen online from these groups by and large. It's a cluster fuck of abuse hurled at one another and it's disgusting. Children shouldn't ever be involved in shipcourse and I'm sorry if it offends kids but this is for their safety. We don't let kids in any other NSFW communities but people will pretend that doesn't apply to the EROTIC FANFICTION AND FANWORK DISCOURSE.

I literally cannot stress enough that this is about primarily erotic fanfiction. Yes there's stuff that goes beyond and tends into actual media analysis type conversations and ethics of fiction, which I love, but most of this is about random pornography.

Am I anti this nebulous concept or shipping that nobody can agree upon and actually doesn't matter because anti/pro ship has nothing to do with wether or not you ship things in general- or am pro this nebulous concept of shipping that has no actual cohesive agreed upon definition?

I have met wonderful people on all sides of this debate. I have met horrific people on all sides of this debate. But most of all everyone who has ever spoken on this debate has been prone to completely missing the point of what someone has to say. If you want to have big boy philosophical discussion about the ethics or morality or impact of fiction and fictional content then let's have that outside of these parameters. I love discussing media and I love having in-depth discussions about how people interpret it how it impacts the world reasons people are for or against certain stories or ways of depicting things but I am not loving discussing whether or not Henry over there in the corner is allowed to make his little dolls kiss because one's a human and the other is a monster who has an unreasonable life span.

I'm neutral ship because of these parameters in my own opinions

I don't really give a flying fuck about what someone ships. If I don't like it I block them and move on. I don't harass them it's easy.

I don't support shipping of anyone real people without their explicit consent because it is a form of sexual harassment. Something that I have endured in real life before. I believe it should be moderated and should be removed when non-consensual as it is sexual misconduct and harms the victims.

I think some types of content needs to be properly tagged especially those of triggering natures. I believe ideally those who do not properly tag and categorize these works should have theirs striken down on online platforms or automatically corrected to the right settings as part of moderation to allow people to more easily avoid triggers (IDEALISTICALLY I am aware this will likely not occur or get misused by bigoted people such as current issues with websites marking trans people as inherently sexual when we are not)

I am against all forms of harassment though I can understand why and how it can occur in many cases and have been guilty of this behavior in the past. I believe people should be able to grow and change and move past this.

I do not feel comfortable with a large amount of the content that is common from proshippers as it is triggering to me. I think if they keep it to themselves and don't force people to look at shit or mistag it it's more so okay.

I do not think children should EVER be involved in erotica discourse and it is so fucked that they have been. It messed me up as a kid and it's gonna mess others up

I think if you're going to make a certain kind of content you have to accept people thinking you're weird or gross, same with sharing said content. People will be grossed out and scared of me liking Gore and Guro. That's okay, they're allowed to be freaked out and if someone can't be friends with me because of that fact, then clearly we weren't compatible as friends anyways.

Censorship is necessary in some circumstances this especially applies to works of propaganda. I find the idea that your stance on fanfiction has any reflection of how you feel about broader media to be foolish. I don't care about your weird Hisoka X Reader fanfiction that's morally ambiguous I care about the effects of things like "The Birth Of A Nation" which was a propagandistic film that spurred the resurgence of the KKK. I think that things that will cause harm in the present should be sealed away in historical foundations or museum vaults for some time before being allowed again to the general public for historical purposes. (ONLY in cases where a work will cause direct harm like say Mien Kamph by Adolf Hitler)

I don't feel comfortable being associated with anti or pro ship people

I believe that writing specific stereotypes into your fanfiction about minorities is a reflection of your own bigotry and unless it's written for the purposes of discussion of such themes or as satire or parody of said bigotries there is in fact a reason said work can be deemed to be racist/homophobic/transphobic/sexist or whatever else it may be

You can have weird fucked up kinks. Your kink is not my kink and that's okay. What's not okay is to try and coerce people into said kinks or get them to engage with you when they clearly are against it. If someone doesn't want to do an erotic roleplay around the themes of aggressive sadism and masochism then don't force it- find a topic you can both feel comfortable on.

At the core of it I am: anti-harassment, media critical, believe in some level of censorship for the safety of the public from extremist ideological propagandistic bigotry, see that fiction affects reality and wish to discuss the influence of media on society, and pro the creation of dark and fucked up media that is telling a story of genuine value.

I may also be disgusted by certain types of porn but as long as it's legal and not victimizing anyone or anything- people should be able to make it and be on their own. But also you gotta accept stigma comes with it. And if you make content centering a paraphilia then don't be shocked when you're called a paraphile.

[vaporwavedoggie]

Ahahahah I should probably explain why I'm not on here as much atm, along with most of my other social media.

It's gonna be long but I know I have some folks on here worried about me so I'll put everything under the cut.

Alright buckle up, this will get long.

To shorten things, my chronic pain is significantly getting worse very quickly, along with heart issues.

Not to mention my shit mental health.

But here's the long story:

There's something up with my heart. I don't know exactly what the diagnosis will be, I have a few more tests including a fun little holter monitor placement or whatever it's called.

It's where I wear this monitor over my heart for a few days and press a button whenever I start having flareups. My flareups consist of my blood pressure suddenly dropping very low (I think the lowest it was clocked was somewhere in the 80s/60s range if I remember correctly), headaches, bad chest pain, limb weakness/numbness, sudden exhaustion/passing out, etc.

They did an echo on my heart but the results didn't tell me much other than I have a dialated left atrium. No idea what that means, don't know if it's even related to the shit going on with me. I won't find out until the other tests are done and looked over.

I'm going as far as to try and give up cigarettes for the time being for this. My doc gave me a ton of nicotine patches, so I'm really hoping those will help with the urges. I'm going to be going from smoking about half a pack or so a day to patches that are 7mg of nic, so uhhh yeah.

Another reason why I'm distancing myself from online spaces more other than my personal discord servers is because stressful stuff, discourse, all that makes my flareups much much worse. I'm doing it not to be a bitch, but for my own health. So for a bit I'll probably only post art I occasionally draw n what not.

Now on to the other issues. My lower back keeps me in damn near constant chronic pain. They did an xray on it, and my MyChart (fun little doctor app) said this about their findings:

"Vertebral body heights and alignment are well-maintained. No fracture or subluxation. Pedicles are intact. Mild loss of disc height at L5-S1."

I'm not entirely sure if that's anything important, again, I go to my pcp about it in the beginning of October since there's a few more issues they'd like to test me for before coming to a diagnosis and treating me.

As for my back pain though, it's to the point where it's nearly disabling me physically.

I've had it for many years. Idk exactly when it all started, but I really started noticing it around the time I was 19-20. I have a theory it's because one of my first jobs that I worked for about a year was at a warehouse. It was very physical labor.

I'd be lifting heavy boxes constantly to the point where when I got home I couldn't bend down from the pain. I'd just have to flop down on my bed and pass out. And this went on about 4 days a week for a year.

At first, it started off as a small patch on my lower back, at the base of my spine, not being able to be touched. The gentlest poke would feel like stabbing pain. And it only got worse over the years, with the area spreading.

Now it's to the point where I can't stand for long, and when I sit or lay down I have to shift my position every 10-20 minutes or it flares up. And I dread going to sleep for a number of reasons. Not just because of the night terrors I have damn near every night due to my CPTSD, but because I wake up in excruciating pain most of the time due to not being able to shift my body in my sleep.

Worst part is, when I sleep, I'm dead to the world. If the night terrors aren't too horrible that night, I'm like a rock. No one can move me. Lord knows my husband has tried. And I'll sleep for about 12-20+ hours at a time at this point.

Funny thing is? No matter how much sleep I get, even if I get the base recommended amount without under or over sleeping, I'm ALWAYS exhausted.

My doc has sent a referral for me to get a sleep study but they have yet to reach out to me. I suspect this may also contribute to my heart issues but idk for sure.

So yeah. It's not enough that I deal with shitty mental health issues on a constant, but also chronic physical health issues as well.

Worst part is my family is borderline poverty. Despite everything I'm STILL trying to get a job because my family needs the money, along with others in the house, including my oldest son and teenage son.

Yet for whatever reason, everyone claims they're hiring, yet won't hire any of us. For me, I understand. I always struggled to keep a job due to various issues. But my sons have a completely clean slate, and my roomie has a great resume with plenty of long history, yet no one will hire anyone. Not even McDonald's.

People act like it's all us. We try everything we can, from dressing up in our nicest clothes for the interview, following up with the job, being friendly, giving the interviewer our skills. Worst part is they act like they're fucking impressed, then turn around and claim they've decided to go with someone more qualified for the position, or they're not hiring anymore.

Yes, I know I'll hurt myself if I try working a job and pushing myself beyond my limits every day, but it's taking too damn long for disability to do shit. Disability is very hard to get in Texas for whatever reason and God it's stupid. It usually takes a minimum of 2-3 years for most, and we don't have that time.

The price of rent, groceries, and everything else keeps skyrocketing, yet my roomies won't get a raise on their disability, my husband won't get a raise on his job other than just a few cents once a year.

We're living by the skin of our teeth. Paycheck to paycheck. Most of our food comes from various food banks in the area we make multiple trips to a week.

Then when it comes to my mental health issues, I'm handling it the best that I possibly can.

My CPTSD has been flaring up. Then there's the other shit going on with my head I won't get into.

I'm nearly constantly haunted by trauma and I'm so fucking tired of it. I have to keep myself busy or it creeps into my mind. And I have somnophobia because every time I sleep I'm almost guaranteed to have a night terror. No, prasosin won't help.

Anyways that's a small portion of the shit im going through and why I probably won't be online much until I get shit sorted out.

Is it weird to be the happiest you've ever been in your life, yet also the most miserable??

[liquidorcard]

(About that last anon) I'm tired of people trying to play white knight for Native's (First Nations). It's not racist to draw a fetishizer wearing brownface. Others may find it offensive but at the end of the day it is making fun of Lily.

I want to be charitable here and say, I respect the fact that there's a fine line here and I acknowledge I'm dancing close to it. Not to make this blog sound more high minded than it is, but, that's kind of the thing with comedy. Getting close to the boundary between funny and offensive without going over it-- which, you know, fuck ups happen you have to take responsibility for. Can't be a little bitch about it.

The internet is both a somewhat uniquely hostile place for comedy in the way platforms encourage knee-jerk, bad faith, inflammatory responses and the ways in which fuckface pissbaby grifters can monopolize that environment to hide away from genuine criticism.

I spoke about this before, I made the decision to redirect my jokes towards my "Liquid Orcard" character, pretending to be human as the punchline rather than her specifically pretending to be First Nations. You know, just to put a little distance between my jokes and the genuinely harmful rhetoric around blood quantity discourse-- just to make sure they're reading right.

But like, there's landmines everywhere. There always is. Lily is a trans woman, and portraying a trans woman as an inhuman creature could also be twisted into being transphobic. That's not okay inherently in every context either.

Lily knows this. This is her bread and butter. This is the basis of her whole dog and pony show.

Just pointing out the fact that she's had a history of predatory behavior, can't be trusted around minors, has a history of abusing her partners, etc. could be twisted into a transphobic and racist attack.

I've SEEN it used as a genuine transphobic attack against her and by association, the trans community as a whole (which Lily never says shit about, I'd like to point out. Sabine, who also pretends to be POC online when they're really white, has called Lily a "pedophilic troon." She apparently doesn't give a fuck when it's them.) Because what Lily actually looks like has been public knowledge for as long as she has I've never really seen anyone take the claim she's POC seriously for obvious reasons, but I'm sure if she was, there'd be genuine racist shit online about her too.

I want to make it clear I'm not implying Lily is ALSO pretending to be trans. I believe in gender equality-- men, women and enbies alike can be shitheels. We can all respect her gender identity while pointing out she's a right-wing, basement dwelling, anti-social, absolute high priestess of goonfunery.

But she knows she can hide behind the smokescreen of genuine transphobic whinging. She knows she can cry racism if she sticks to the lie her white ass has experienced discrimination from being visibly of colour. Dare I say, she's subtly encouraged it. The fucked shit about bigotry is that it enables anti-social behavior for minorities aswell in certain circumstances. The fucking victims of oppression are always people who want to be a pro-social, positive, productive member of society. Who have to fight for the right to live their fucking lives as honestly as possible. This is the design of the industrial machine.

It's not a totally invalid question to ask in all circumstances. And though it's hard for me to always . . . Totally empathize with, I get the internet allows access to people who come from, let's say, more sheltered environments to see things they don't have full context for. As a trans person myself amd for the sake of my POC family members, in today's political climate, I'd encourage people to have a healthy skepticism against the kinds of things Lily is being accused of. Within reason. It's fucked, but this is the shit-pit grifters and outrage merchants put I all in.

But like, if you know who Lily is already, you know it's 100% a valid fucking thing to take the piss out of her for. The context tracks. And, with all do respect, the reason why that other anon thought there was a difference between just stating Loly is doing brownface and an image making fun of Lily for doing brownface is because humor gives it a bit more of a punch.

[oatflatwhite]

Absolutely feel free to not answer but I was wondering how you grew more comfortable being aro/ace? I’m 22 and ace (maybe aro too idk) and I recently ended an on again off again relationship and I am questioning if I ever felt anything towards him in the first place. Im kinda scared bc I love romance but idk if I’ll ever experience it? I wish I was as secure as you seem to be. Thank u in advance 🙂

hey anon :) thank you for reaching out! it's a really hard feeling to come to grips with so i hope i can help in at least a small way.

id'ing as aroace has been quite the journey for me. i've known i was ace for the longest time, but there was a period of several years where i denied even that (thanks 2016 tumblr discourse). eventually i realised that certain feelings would just never happen to me and that was ok - because i could still have romance, right? well!

i think it was around 2021 i kind of thought hold on. i've lived 23 years on this goddamn earth and don't think i've ever had a real romantic feeling/urge for someone who wasn't a fictional character/someone i didn't "force" myself to like because everyone in high school has crushes, right? so i thought about it and just went oh. oh! and it almost felt as though a weight came off my shoulders. like, yes, i was fucking bummed to realise i would probably never fall in storybook love. but there was this sense of a burden i could unshoulder because suddenly i wasn't beholden to the need to find that love, you know? i could just. be me. and even though it might make me sad sometimes, it's enough.

since then i've been up and down about it, absolutely. i even had a brief period last year where i convinced myself i actually did like this guy in real life! through a comedy of errors i realised that romance in my head was fine but any kind of real life interaction in that vein made me sick to my stomach fr lol. (for real! he had to drive me home in my own goddamn car bc i felt so ill.) i still get upset about it sometimes too. i mean, all i write is romance. i read and watch a lot of romance too. romance is every fucking where and it is so ingrained to be a part of everyone's lives that to try and distance yourself from it in order to feel more comfortable not feeling it is. virtually impossible.

where i am right now, 26 years old, 10 years into my ace journey and about 3 into my aro one, is here: i like my life. i love my friends. i can't force myself into a feeling that i will never have. and maybe at times i will be lonely and sad about it, but building a community has helped so much. whether that's with other aro/ace people, or just your friends or family or anyone else you trust with this. because romantic love =/= personal fulfilment, happiness, success. we've just been told it does. it just takes work to make yourself believe otherwise.

and it's ok to be sad about it. but even if you feel lonely, you're not alone.

also, because i'm nothing if not a girl who loves a bibliography, i would recommend checking out these sources:

loveless by alice oseman

ace: what asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex by angela chen

this essay by k.a. cook

and pinging a couple blogs with some good aro resources, though i'm sure there's more out there! @aroworlds @arowitharrows

[roundearthsociety]

This is going to be a tad personal but how do you manage to be trans and catholic? Some of the biggest anti trans voices like Matt Walsh, Michael Knowles and Desantis base their views off that religion. Many trans people on here, Reddit and IRL have nothing but disdain for Catholicism because of the Vatican’s statements and how they’ve been treated. Likewise, a lot of Catholics I’ve seen on tumblr, Reddit and various forums view it as a sin, mental illness or pedophilia and oppose affirming care as well as IVF.

I’m an American exvangelical, who does have some conservative Catholic family members, and I’m trying to broaden my perspective a bit rather than writing Catholicism off as an irredeemable, hateful colonizer ideology and viewing paganism and Reform Judaism as the only valid religions like most Tumblr users do. How do you put up with it when many refuse to affirm it, including the pope who’s still very conservative? I’m not asking to attack your beliefs but are simply curious whether there’s more nuance than people will claim.

This is something that's a bit hard to answer, as someone who's not that good a theologian nor that good at theory. Plus, I'm not side A, so I wouldn't be all that good at discussing Catholicism While Queer with you I suspect. Anyway I will be assuming you, the reader, have got some level of legitimate Christian faith. Because otherwise I'm not sure how to like. Give you that.

So let me preface all of this by recommending you look into queer Catholic organizations such as New Ways Ministry, or especially DignityUSA which I've heard good things about. There are also some Tumblr bloggers on the more affirming side of things, most of them aren't really doing all that much advocacy work either but you might find it interesting to scroll through, idk, and-her-saints or shoutsofmybones's blogs for example, and take a look.

Also: you don't have to give up on Christianity entirely if you can't / would rather not be Catholic! Even if the specific ritual and community aspect is especially important to you, the Episcopal Church is probably decently well implanted where you live and is worth looking into, especially since it doesn't have the embedded political elements that the US Catholic Church tends to have.

As for my own personal answer below - please don't bother to get mad at me for this, it's like 4AM and I'm not too interested in writing a thesis here.

Gender-wise it's honestly pretty straightforward. I know I function better being generally recognized as another sex than I was assigned at birth, with characteristics to match; everything else in terms of gender roles names etc is really just getting a lil silly with it ngl. This is neither especially uncommon nor especially new, and the generally recognized way to deal with this has long been to just let people do their thing. While there are issues with the way that's being done (hey! you should freeze your gametes if that's available to you! don't count on never wanting kids, especially if you're a teenager! trust me on this one.), a lot of the modern discourse around it boils down to "this is disgusting to me so it must be morally wrong". And like, I'm a biologist, I can't really find it in myself to be grossed out by this stuff anymore.

Anyway the Church is far from a monolith. Even at the institutional level there's plenty of tolerance; my home diocese is based in a large and ancient Mediterranean city so God knows it's had ages to get used to the weird shit, not counting the handful of trad strongholds. My understanding of the situation in the US is that it's Kind Of Really Not That though, so I'd strongly recommend heavily looking into your local Catholic diocese and parishes before making any moves, because Catholic faith and practice are a very community-bound thing and it's not really something you can do at a distance. Thankfully though, once you start avoiding the political activists trying to use faith as a means to an end (as is the case for most of the people you cite in your ask), you'll find that it's relatively more chill than you'd think. Let me elaborate.

My own case is complicated enough that I can't reasonably apply any of the details to this, but ultimately what's important to note here is that Christianity is functionally about how everyone is flawed, and everyone fucks up, and sure you'll be forgiven but you've got to own up to it first. The members of the Church, even the Pope, even (most of) the Saints in their earthly lives, are no exception. They can be misguided, fearful, or just plain hateful; in such circumstances, it's on them to do better, not on you to adapt to their flaws, and they know this if they're honest to themselves. This, in turn, must apply just as much to you and me; as a Christian, you (generic) have everything you need to do better, and to know anything that prevents you from loving other people is probably not the way to go.

But anyway yeah. I'm trans and Catholic because both of those are just kinda who I am, and I don't intend to stop being either because I'm not interested in replacing myself with the cop in my head. So the Church can have fun with that.

[desinyschildrenjkjm]

I think Are You Sure? is reminding me how much I love them, and trying to enjoy it with social media is really driving home how much I hate over-analyzing things to death.

I do miss the days when I just watched bts content alone, with no connection to fandom on social media except for maybe some youtube comments. It sucks to have so much fun, love the content and want to get excited with other people but come up against a wall of ppl nitpicking each detail down to tone of voice or phrasing (in translation) that proves or disproves this or that or that...almost like they aren't watching it but are studying it for ideas for posts or are waiting with baited breath for something to be upset about and thus seeing it everywhere and blowing up every small thing. It just isn't enjoyable.

If I nitpick I want it to be for things to be happy about...and hey, lucky me to have it so so so easy to find the happy things when I'm into a group of people who give me so much joy every day. I really want to uncomplicatedly enjoy this show as much as I truthfully do, without running everything through a lens picking apart what I'm afraid haters will say or defending things or letting my feelings be clouded and influenced by everyone else.

I may post still, but if i don't really seem so conversational part of it is me just distancing a bit from other opinions and basking in the show until I won't be swayed...even still i don't really see a point of entertaining negativity. It just bores me to argue in circles, explain to people who don't care, or be angry all the time. I don't want to see everything with negative spin to get angry or upset about or be anxious to defend, especially vague things we don't have all of the context to or rumors or things random internet people who might be 12 are saying. It's just so much easier to let go of the things you can't control or don't know, ignore nonsense, and let myself enjoy what I enjoy and think what i think.

people who are upset can talk to each other about their upset but I won't pretend to be upset if I'm not and I won't entertain it either when I don't agree or don't care. it's really that simple in the end. being a jikook missionary isn't my thing either so idk i guess i just don't care too much about debates about phrasing or details or vibes or timelines...when it is no longer fun speculation and slips into anger it really just isn't worth it.

I don't see the point of overly identifying with particular details or theories to the point of emotional upset and anger or arguing all of the time just like I don't see the point in going in circles trying to explain what I think to people who won't ever understand or agree...other opinions aren't worth more to me than my own...people may make good points or sway me but ultimately I have all the power over my perception and I won't give it away or waste energy defending it.

some people are just stressed about everything and obsessed with being right or obsessed with being afraid to be wrong and look at every single thing like a piece of a puzzle and I don't want to get that deep into it. Whatever the truth is, it isn't something we are likely to know details of...that's fine, that's boundaries, that's their choice, also it's fine if I'm wrong, even if i'm wrong about everything my opinions don't sway reality...it matters very little if I'm right or wrong as long as I am not being hateful or too attached emotionally to my interpretations.

Fandom is meant to be fun, it's really that simple. The second fandom/social media/discourse starts making me loose the joy BTS bring me....I'm out. I'm protecting BTS for myself, BTS are way more important to me than fandom and I won't let strangers on the internet sour them for me.

[bengiyo]

Step By Step Ep 10 Stray Thoughts

Last week on HR Violations, Jeng made his feelings plain to Pat, and Pat was not prepared for one more emotional blow. Jeng had a complete emotional breakdown in a standpoint bit of acting from Man Trisanu. We spent much of the week unpacking exactly what happened with Pat, and determined that he’s just 25, tired, and overwhelmed. Ae had her baby, and nothing made sense from a practical standpoint. Jeng broke all of us with “It makes sense to me,” and now we’re supposed to just stroll back into this.

I still approve of Jeng doing the responsible thing and keeping his distance from Pat.

I love Chot so much. I am loving this new trend in BL about shows encouraging people to respect the feelings people are expressing, and reminding characters (and viewers) that I takes a lot of courage to express them. It’s still okay to reject people, but treat people kindly. Love Chot making the overall situation plain for Pat and confused viewers.

“It’s been eight years already. I’m used to it,” feels like a subtle commentary on BL itself. Chot has not been able to live his live a openly as he’d like with his boyfriend because the family wouldn’t approve. Coincidentally, that’s the same amount of time we’ve been in the current era of Thai BL. For all the money and interest that’s been poured into BL, lived queer experiences still face daily struggles.

 A carrot cake? Pat, please do better.

I see. The show is going to make me cry about Chot. It’s time to write an essay about Step By Step.

“It’s alright. I own this place.” Sir!!!

My man just trashed his own kitchen to get it in.

Smitten looks good on Pat.

He let me hit so I can follow back on Insta

These two have lost all composure. Hooking up in the company parking lot!

Chot is trying to cover for these two, but they are being unfortunately way too obvious.

I’m having complicated reactions to the homelessness scene. Feels like the show wants to quickly shine a lens on an issue important to the filmmakers, but it feels awkward as hell.

Hey, it looks like the Fjord project went well.

Okay, Pat’s dad is funny. I like his specific beef with Jeng. Still, I kinda hoped he’d ask harder questions like, “How is this supposed to work if you’re still his boss?”

They keep going to this one shot when they go to the bedroom that’s clearly from the closet and using Dutch angles. This feels intentionally designed to make me uneasy.

Oh they're using P' and Nong now.

Ben has a happy trail. Let me pause and collect myself.

WHERE IS THE BABY??

Did they give the hets a camera angle kiss??

Oh nevermind it was meant to cut to Pat and Jeng as a potential future.

Now you know Ae was aiming for Pat with that bouquet. She is messy like that.

Wait, so Jaab is seeing someone else now?? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get from Jaab and Jen.

Okay, we found the baby.

I like that Beam and Ae didn't touch each other, if I'm reading this right. Glad we can put this to bed.

Oh, I don't like Jeng promoting Pat into his position. That's not good for either of them.

Suddenly, a glow up for Ying?

Whoa, was not expecting this EXTREME GEN X ENERGY from Ying in Pat's corner.

"Haven't I been strong enough?" is a whole mood.

Yet another instance of BL reminding us that they both have dicks.

"I want to be happy with you." Oh, Jeng. I am also lonely in my 30s. I get it. I really do. But, my man, you cannot put this on Pat.

Pat's resignation was inevitable. Jeng, who's normally so controlled, definitely lost all composure this episode.

I'm not jumping directly into the discourse here, but I will say clearly that I am only watching through Gaga. Do not send me comments, asks, or messages about episodes only available legally through WeTV fast track. I don't subscribe to spoiler culture, but please don't be rude.

As for this episode, I feel a bit muddled. I'm going to spend some time thinking about core themes and seeing what this show actually wants to explore.

[aquamarine021109]

hey so I'm probably gunna distance myself from the internet for a while (mostly tumblr and twitter) because I'm getting really stressed out from my last post and people hating me for it. so, if I do post it will probably just be some art or something because I like drawing and I need to focus on that instead of stupid discourse.

for the person that sent me a really long nice message, thank you. I'm not gunna say your username just in case you don't want me too. but you know who you are and I'm gunna try to stay of tumblr, twitter, and other ragebatey platforms.

for the other person that gave me tips on trying to lose certain hyperfixations; I also thank you.

so, goodbye (for now) and I hope everyone is doing okay because I am not.

[aphicelend]

Intro remasterized

Carolina | 26 y.o | México | esp/eng | she/they | aroace

How do I introduce myself lmao. I'm Koro,I love aph Iceland, he's my niña bonita mi dulce princesa, Anko Fam, Nordics !! They have been my faves since forever.

Been on Hetalia fandom and Tumblr since 2012 👵

I'm an introverted person, I don't talk too much so sometimes I distance myself from interacting lmao, sorry.

I play IDV 💀, CRK, Splatoon, Stardewvalley

🍓 https://aphicelend.straw.page

>I have an OC x canon ship #MisAme

🎨 ART TAG: #KaruDibu

DNI: minors | idivers

👇 Links | Fandoms | Ships | Extra

🔗 Links

Instagram | Twitter | Bluesky

🧸 OC MASTERLIST

🧸 OC tag: #karuocs

🎨 Art tag: #karudibu

💕 oc x canon: #MisAme

Chibi commissions OPEN

-------------------------------

♟️ Fandoms

Hetalia

Paradox Live

Identity V

Evillious Chronicles

Homestuck

Mouthwashing

-------------------------------

💞 Ships

Hetalia ships

DenIce | HongIce | NorIce | AmeIce / etc

⚠️ I enjoy various ships with Iceland, romantic or platonic, I like them either way.

I also like DenIceNor (romantic) or just Anko Family (non romantic ofc)

If you don't feel comfortable with any of these ships, feel free to block me or mute the tags, I do the same. ✅

tierlist

ParaLive ships

RokuItsu / NayuKana / AllenKana / RyuShiki / AnneSatsu

Tierlist

-------------------------------

Extra

I tend to block people, Minors or people that may don't like my content or interests

🗣️ I think ship discourse it's pointless.

I have two side blogs that I try to use lmao. @korkoloino (random stuff) , @aestetii (weirdcore, liminal, oc inspo)

⚠️ Rarely I post nsfwish things

Just let's be respectful to each other

I don't tolerate transphobia, racism, etc.

[bellshazes]

PLEASE GO INTO DETAILS ABOUT YOUR BDUBS ANALYSIS FOREVER

restricting myself solely to bwbs3 for the moment because i am going to finish DIA tonight so that'll have to be a separate. thing. about narrative

i'm not interested in it for theory's sake, but because I think a lot of content around minecraft does not scratch the itch I want - sure you can teach me how to copy a build block by block, or even explain a process for massing a roof, but these still aren't enough. what I truly, truly want is many people having a conversation that would include things like...

how do i move around in the game? where do I spend my time? what are the implications of that?

how do i build the infrastructure necessary to support the continued playstyle i prefer without devolving into base chores and in fact encouraging the development of goals and completion of them in a game with no prescribed finish?

how do I interpret meaning from the world I build around me? how do distance, color, texture, scale, size, lighting, shape, time spent navigating, terrain, machines, mechanics, movement, etc. and their interrelationships impact the meaning I derive?

these are mere starting points; concretely, a conversation could look like moving from "what's the best most efficient farm objectively i can build?" to "how do I choose or construct a farm that matches its output and ease of access to my current needs and goals?" farm throttling is a huge concern in my imaginary discourse, since it's highly variable even across a single player's single world. (this may shock you to learn this is something I appreciate greatly about etho.)

bdubs is making really, really big arguments about what visual representation can signify not in isolation but in concert across many dimensions: he loves his fog and render distance settings because of what they do to an environment, and his builds interact with those distance limits; he is constantly pushing himself further beyond simple gradients into texturing into doing ambient occlusion on flat walls to suggest crossbeams and now expanding scale to increase possibilities for meaningful coherent block palettes. it's got his usual wrapping of bluster and pride but he's a lot more mellow and didactic in bwbs3! like, he is arguing for this approach in terms you would expect with historical art movements, about how to communicate meaningfully through art. he is doing pointillism!

today he talked about building in all those terms and more, and then also in the fourth dimension of time; this is the first thing I built and it is a time capsule of my skill and style at that point in time, and I am going to build this today as a capstone to my current skills and style, a proof of concept and a temple and a focal point and a new scale marker (since the mountain he built is now tiny in comparison lmao). he is playing minecraft in 4D! this is a really neat and meaty line of thinking - if you're playing a world, what could you build to be a snapshot of where you are now?

that turns the world, built-up, into a historical register. it's not that groundbreaking to do in retrospect, but combined with the foresight and level of intent and skill and on top of that articulating that to the audience makes building with bdubs season 3 really special to me. it's a cross between a seminar and a let's play; it's not building with like s1/s2 senses of just recording himself while building and talking in detail, it's building with in the sense of instruction and encouraging you to go try it out. it's his pitch for his theory of building! from what I can tell, it's pretty unique for that.

honestly the derrida and perec and everything is relevant and ripe but my first turn to theory with bdubs was bernard tschumi's advertisements for architecture, because some of them work so well with his life series builds (another post, another time). however, check this shit out!

advertisements for architecture frequently also engages with murder and the erotic as components of architecture - "Murder in the Street differs from Murder in the Cathedral in the same way as love in the street differs from the Street of Love. Radically." the erotic is less relevant, but the call to baser human desires is a fun touchpoint when considering the meaninglessness of death and especially in the context of MCYT the use of architecture even more explicitly than irl as prompts for interesting, novel, unpredictable interactions. at the same time, many built things in MC are mere facades (grian hcs7 megabase...... not to be rude but jesus).

and so the novelty and love for a guy who cares about and executes well a manifesto on unifying aesthetics and function in a dynamic four-dimensional framework. with that basis, you could start engaging piaget on play, baudrillard on simulation and simulacra, derrida on bricolage, perec on space, any number of theater-centered theorists from any number of lenses (marxist critique of the gradient trend when?) and so on endlessly. but I'm always overjoyed and intrigued by bdubs' arguments. he's so breezy about it, too, like he's driven toward something he's figuring out for himself and trying to share as he learns. nothin else like it

[chntfessions]

SORRY GUYS I JUST REALIZED I'VE BEEN SUPER INACTIVE ON THIS BLOG WITHOUT EXPLANATION 😭😭

im kinda trying to distance myself from the chnt fandom a bit, since it's pure unfiltered garbage. all the constant discourse and infighting stressed me out so i've simply decided that Im Not Dealing With That Shit. i'm still gonna mod here obviously, just don't expect to see me as often!! 🎀