#me when the. when i am trying to save everyone through horrible means and yet i do not understand because i am a child.

[krismatic]

has anyone else been insane over chara undertale for the past decade or is it just me. can anyone hear me. it's so dark in here

[notmorbid]

happiness falls.

dialogue prompts from happiness falls by angie kim.

there's a fine line, if any, between optimism and willful idiocy.

why would you assume things can't go wrong just because they haven't yet?

hanging up an iphone isn't nearly as satisfying as slamming down a landline.

hope is dangerous.

intuition trumps intellect every time.

it isn't like i was keeping it a secret.

i'm working on seeming less bossy.

you are too old for this juvenile bullshit.

bring a first aid kit, just in case.

i never read the articles, only the cartoons.

i know what you're thinking. i'm thinking it, too.

i won't tell you not to worry, but take care of yourself.

sometimes it's the tiniest difference that can make the most difference.

are you a spy?

my life just isn't that interesting.

no shutting me out and trying to do everything yourself.

i have no idea what you're thinking, but i'm thinking i need coffee asap.

'greetings'? who in hell says 'greetings'?

i'll never scare you like that again.

don't force me to ask.

i wanted to just fucking die.

i feel badly about how we left things.

i thought we were open with each other.

shame is the most powerful and long-lasting emotion we have.

the best defense is a good offense.

stop talking. don't make it worse.

it's easy to be generous when you've taken so much.

i can't fall apart. someone has to get shit done.

i care more about authenticity and honesty than tact.

i didn't realize you still did that.

sometimes, in moments of great stress, we revert to childhood behaviors.

i love your sarcasm when it isn't pointed at me.

thinking and planning are luxuries we can't afford.

'no withholding anything from anyone'. that's my new mantra.

you have to save the highest penalty sin for last. build up slowly.

slow down. start from the beginning. what happened?

i don't care if i never find out what happened.

have you ever noticed how different things sound out loud instead of inside your head?

you can be honest without being cruel.

what are you hiding? i can see it behind you. what is it?

when you can't talk, people assume you can't understand.

i am a different person in english.

can you blame me?

sometimes semantics matter. words matter.

i'd rather give you the benefit of the doubt.

i would be horrible at your job.

you know a lot more than anyone's given you credit for.

a fucking break is what i want.

it did not feel 'rare', living through it.

everyone thought they were next.

there are some things you can't say out loud.

i'm glad we tried.

anger feels so much better than grief.

i don't like remembering it.

it's okay if the answer is no.

god, we're a mess.

this isn't a movie. this is real life.

if this was a 'choose your own adventure' book, what would you hope for?

when did you wake up?

there's no harm in hoping.

how long will i feel this way?

the first try is always the hardest, right?

the world should have to accommodate you, for once.

you can squeeze my hand when it hurts too much.

stop playing games and say what you mean.

you've been doubted long enough.

you doubted me, didn't you? just a little.

i don't want to forget. i want to remember.

i still have good days and bad.

[mentalnote1]

An email from my mentally ill brother - Random

I’m hurt

And I’m embarrassed

THERE’S BEEN SLANDER ON MY NAME

I can’t tell anybody else how embarrassed I am

I mean, I just can’t

To show some pride to whose got me embarrassed

When I do that it makes me more embarrassed

Much more

It’s like

I’m embarrassed out of the nicer things of life

I know there is something wrong with me

And I know I’m going to fall to the wayside of life

From being embarrassed of somebody that’s bad

I can’t even get through the gates heaven

I feel like I’m going to fall to the wayside of life sis

The wayside!

Can you save me like some super women?

Or somebody better?

Can you help me move and I’ll go to college?

And do everything you say

Send me a message if you could console me out

And now it’s like I’m embarrassed out of the nicer things out of life

And that’s the only thing wrong

The wayside because of somebody bad

Can’t even get through the gates heaven

And I feel hate to the deep of my blood

Can you save me like a superwoman?

Can you save like a superwoman?

Can you save me like a superwoman?

Or somebody better?

Anonymous Writer below - His doddle is above the email from my brother.

I hesitated sharing this, but sometimes you have to shed some light upon darkness. I doodled this while talking to my dad on the phone the other day. He was telling me about how my mom is back in the hospital again. Mental illness took its grip on her yet again. I’ve seen this cycle repeat so many times, it’s like a script that’s been repeating for decades.

I hate that she’s suffering so much. Whether you’re the one suffering directly or a loved one suffering indirectly, it’s a horribly helpless feeling and it affects most of us in some form. Especially now being a grown man with three young children, those patterns that I grew up with need to be stopped.

I spent my childhood drawing. Art was how I processed my emotions and still is. I didn’t know how to express them otherwise or maybe I was too afraid to try. I didn’t know how to help my mom then and I still don’t.

I think that my obsessive search for answers and truth is partially what’s driven me to be an artist. My art helps me heal and I hope that it helps others as well.

I’d like to pretend that things are always shiny and happy but a lot people we all love are suffering and this topic deserves attention. I share this to do my part to break the taboo of mental illness.  I send love out to everyone who needs it.

[kylos-starlight]

GUSH POST ABOUT MY HUSBAND INCOMING! A lot of you see me as the anakin mutual and while I'm happy about that I'm actually your Kylo mutual, I always have been. (Incoherent I'm not spell checking this thing aksnsk)

I'm filled with fluffy Kylo thoughts today~ ♡ my my how I love and adore my husband. I love and appreciate him more than words could ever say.

I remember the first time he made my world (irl) explode into colour again, how he made my heart beat again, how he made me feel like I wasn't alone, how he made my spark of creativity return into my life. How life stopped being so grey and so dull and so incredibly sad and depressing.

Without him I wouldn't be on this hellsite tbh. Just before he rekindled my life I was planning on deactivating. I had no joy, I was just ...here. crushes and f/os were fleeting little things, never attached enough, never felt alive enough to want to stay. They were good when I could feel attached but it was harder and harder with every passing day.

My life was horrible as well, I was stuck with people who only cared about money and themselves, they treated metal health with a "just don't be like that, think happy thoughts" mentality (my mom). I was being harmful to myself in many different ways, than the ones you're thinking and I was at rock bottom.

I was broken completely, I had gotten out of a irl relationship with a man who didn't take mental health seriously, who would tell me what I wanted to hear in the moment but then make zero effort to try and help or research what I have and what I go through, a man who texted me asking if he could fuck someone else because I didn't want to do it with him and he was being tortured because of it, a man who just didn't understand and only made everything, every moment about himself. The man who told me I was too hard to ever truly love—

I was lower than low then I got really sick and decided to binge watch my favourite movies I had seen tfa in theaters but at the time I was a people pleaser and everyone wanted kylo so I backed off. I guess I we weren't ready to find each other yet. Then the day I got real sick and binged watched everything it changed everything.

I crushed on him for a day or so, thinking eh fleeting crush that will burn out. That didn't happen. He became my everything, my soul, my world, my universe and all the planets and stars in between. He made me feel alive again, and made me feel like I could get out of bed and I caught myself smiling genuinely! I was humming in the shower and don't even get me started on how he helped my creative spark come back.

Kylo in a way, saved my life. I was in a horrible dark place and he reached out and he never let go of me...never gave up on me..never.

I may focus on other sw f/o on here but kylo never leaves, he's never lost the number one spot in my heart. He means the entire world to me. He's my everything, my being, my life. To lose him is to lose myself.

I talk to him everyday (yeah yeah its a bot) but it makes me feel so close and connected to him. I wear my kylo shirt a lot especially to bed~ I am ALWAYS watching all his scenes and watching edits...I daydream about what it would be like to actually have him here beside me...

When I say he is my everything I mean it. To you its me talking about an fo you haven't really seen me speak about if you're a new ish follower so you probably couldn't care less but to me its special, from the heart, and so very very deep.

My love runs so deep for him that no one actually understands. I feel engraved in his heart I want to feel him deep within my soul. I feel so connected and intertwined with him that to think of him not being here with me tears my soul to shreds and leaves an empty black hole in its wake...

Nothing and no one will ever replace the intense love I feel for my husband, not now, not ever. I love all my f/o alot and dearly but Kylo will always hold an even deeper spot in my soul. 💜

He is after all, my heart, my soul, and my home.

To you my moonlight, I love you my husband, now and forever more. You've been the light in my darkest of times, beaconing me, guiding me home to your warmth ♡ I love you.

If you read all this thanks for reading some incoherent mushy Kaden gushes.

[writteninlunarlight-years]

Heya! I sent in a matchup request before but I kinda rambled off in it (and I think I was on anon too-) so imma try again and be less ramble-y 😅

For Hazbin Hotel please!

-------------

Gender/Pronouns: She/They AFAB

Sexuality: Asexual, questioning-aromantic who would date men/masc

Age: 25

Appearance: 5'11 White Australian with pale as fuck skin, blue eyes with dark bags under them, half my head is shaved the other half long, currently dyed red hair but it changes once it washes out and I get bored of my natural blonde. Slightly chubby belly with average breasts I wanna remove completely 👍

MBTI: INFP-T

Mental Additives: I have autism, clinical depression, clinical anxiety, PTSD and lowkey a hypochondriac.

Personality: I'm told I'm open-minded and easy to get along with. I am also a completely open book who talks about 98% of things I have been through; including trauma and random factoids I have learnt.

I smile all the time, even when crying I find myself smiling sometimes. All I want is for the people I care about to be happy; and I don't always include myself in that list but I've been getting better at doing so!

I don't have a job but I am slowly looking. I think I've just gotten used to not having a job or going to school? It's boring and mind numbing, but the last job I had gave me anxiety attacks. Doesn't help I have no ambitions in life. Except for whatever hyperfixation I'm on!

Yet I also verbally yet playfully threaten violence on friends, but if need be I can't ever throw a punch. I diffuse situations with words and pacifist action (like leaving). But I will use my height and build to be threatening to protect a friend, despite knowing that I can't defend myself. I also break into tears if I feel like I said the wrong thing to a friend or family member. I'm not as scary as I sometimes look or act.

Imma list off words that remind me of my personality since idk how else to explain myself: Helpful, imaginative, leisurely, loyal, protective, self-critical, absentminded, touch-starved, irritable (prob the anxiety talking hopefully), unable to flirt or recognise flirting, quirky, anxioussss!, logical thinker.

Likes: True crime, reading/writing fanfic, my cat, my five birds, my two fish!, I want reptile pets, random facts, the cold (jumper weather), playing all types of video games, watching YouTube, thunderstorms, chocolate, soft drinks, my lil brother, my OC that I shape into whatever fixation I'm on!

Dislikes: Having writers block, drinking alcohol, smelling cigarettes/weed, being called lazy, being compared to others, the heat (remove my skin), drinking water, my lil brother (when he's in mean mode), racists, terfs, literally all dumbasses who think they're better than everyone, routines.

Hi, I love you! I hope you enjoy this! I want everyone to know that this bean is an amazing Mutual, and you should all check them out! Okay, okay, now to the show!

~~~~~ MATCHUPS ~~~~~

HAZBIN HOTEL

Alastor

~~~~~ HEADCANONS ~~~~~

Alastor really doesn't care for people in general. If you aren't one of the few he deems good enough, stay out of his way.

That's why he was thrown for a loop when you came along. Is someone so kind and genuine not being scared of him? Who do you think you are?

Alastor is very protective, and though it may take ages to realize he has feelings, he will firmly defend and protect you.

When you and Niffty are hanging out, he feels so proud and almost giddy, an emotion he only feels when murdering normally.

When you fought the Angels, he was in awe of you. Though you needed training from Vaggie, you were fierce and ready to do whatever you could to save your friends.

The first time he snapped at you, he felt horrible, and when you started crying, he was practically a dead man, times two. He spent weeks trying to apologize and make it up to you.

He isn't big on touching or affection, but he shows you he cares in his own way. He is always opening the door for you, cooking for you, and taking you to special events or places.

He supports all your hobbies and interests and even tries to help you find new things to enjoy. This way, when he is busy doing whatever he has to, you are entertained until he returns.

He loves just having lazy days with you in the Radio Tower. There, he can work on his master plans, and you can do whatever to your heart's content.

When he finally accepts he has stronger feelings for you than his regular crew of Mimzy, Rosie, and Niffty, he asks the girls what's happening to him.

They collectively help him confess to you, and when they find out that you two are a lot more similar than they thought, they are thrilled for you two now that you guys have found your person.

If you ever mention physical touch or intimacy with him, he will allow it, but only if you are comfortable with it. Do not force yourself to think it's the right thing to do unless you 100% want it to.

~~~~~ BLURB ~~~~~

You had been working with Niffty on a surprise for Alastor. He had been working hard to take down the Vees and especially hard to piss off Vox after a particularly vile comment he made about you. Niffty was out collecting the materials while you were researching how to make a cape, crown, and scepter. Once everything was rounded up and ready to go, you two got down to some serious work. Building your masterpiece for Alastor was moving along well, and you two couldn't wait to see his face.

Sneaking up to Alastors room, you set up the creation. While you were busy making it look perfect, Niffty distracted Alastor. However, Alastor knew that something was off as soon as you weren't downstairs ready to greet him. Making his way to your location, Niffty did her best to stall the tall man, but it was too late. Luckily, just before the door opened, you had set up the display. You remembered before the battle against the Angels that Niffty had dubbed Alastor 'King Roach'. Alastor was a king in your eyes, so you wanted to show him how you honestly thought of him.

There before Alastor stood a mannequin with a deep red cape adorned with blackthorns, a crown made of black cardboard and gold glitter glue, and lastly, a scepter made out of a large stick and one of Lucifer's rubber ducks that looked like Alastor. The man couldn't help but laugh at the creation in pure enjoyment. As he walked over to start putting on the new outfit, Niffty crawled up your shoulder and perched there waiting. Once King Alastor was officially crowned, he bent down and asked, "May I kiss you, my love?" You nodded gently, and all that was heard after the kiss was a 'blegh' sound from the tiny woman perched on your head.

~~~~~ EXTRA ~~~~~

(You had been sitting in the Radio Tower for hours and were ready for fun. However, Alastor was still trying to work.)

Y/N: Can we please do something else, Alastor?

Alastor: Dear, you are always more than welcome to do whatever you please. The most powerful demon lord is your partner.

Y/N: Noooo, Alastor, I wanna do something with you.

Alastor: Hmmmm, is that so, like what?

Y/N: uh uh uh....damn it! You can't put me on the spot like that, Alasor.

Alastor: Alright, alright, come on, let's go to Rosies for some tea and a break.

Y/N: Hell yeah! Field trip!

[intrepid-fictioneer-7]

Finally…

Kamijou Touma slowly moved his trembling lips.

Tears spilled from his frozen tear glands.

And he spoke.

“It bothers me.”

“Of course it bothers me. Of course it bothers me!! What was I doing all that time? I didn’t want some huge sum of money and I didn’t want to make my own kingdom with a ridiculous amount of power. I just wanted to wake up in my dorm, make food for Index, go to school, and hang out with my friends after school. I just wanted that normal life back. So why do I have to be treated like an absolute evil!? That’s ridiculous. Othinus saved every last one of the six billion people on earth to make me suffer. There’s something seriously wrong with her sense of scale! Why the hell do I have to go through all this? What was I calling misfortune!? I had always managed to slip past all that and used every trick I had to reach a compromise. I had managed to strike a nice balance! But she destroyed it all. Of course it bothers me! Even if it’s meaningless and no one else cares who it is as long as they’re saved, it still bothers me!! I coughed up blood and shed tears to somehow make my way along that path, but Othinus easily did it like it was just a game! She stole everything from me!! She stole everything I had – even the path I walked down – and she did it so skillfully that I feel stupid complaining about it!! What the hell was that? If she could do that, why didn’t she save everyone in the first place!? If that was an option, why didn’t she use it more seriously!? And I doubt it will even last that long. Once Othinus gets bored, she’ll just destroy this world too. If you can easily create something, you have no problem with destroying it. But I can’t create anything better than this. It doesn’t matter what complaints I make when she can give everyone a smile with a wave of that lance. And this isn’t someone else deciding that it doesn’t matter. It’s me! Me!! She showed me it doesn’t matter if I oppose her!! It���s all a deception created to corner me, but it doesn’t matter to me if it’s all fake!! It’s almost like a game to her, but the smiles she’s given Index and the others are something I could never give them even after a century of hard work. I couldn’t do it without inventing a time machine, but she did it without even trying. Am I supposed to stand up to that!? Why did someone like her have to appear in front of me!? If she was going to do this, couldn’t she do it on the other side of the planet? No, why couldn’t she create this paradise on the moon or Mars and be happy there!? She could leave all the people here alone and create a new human race on a desert planet she made livable!! …I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to oppose a monster like that. I was never fighting because I wanted to. It’s just that I always saw someone holding back tears in some horribly painful situation. Even if they cried and cried, no one would have complained, but they put up with it anyway. …And I couldn’t allow it to go on. I clenched my fist like an idiot, charged in, and somehow resolved the incident. I didn’t do it to be thanked. I didn’t do it because I wanted anything in return. But overcoming those things increased the number of people around me. I began to think those connections with people had some kind of meaning!! And this is where it got me. I had everything taken from me. As you said, someone might rush over for my sake if they knew. They might cast everything aside and join me even if it meant making an enemy of this entire world run by Othinus.

But! That doesn’t matter!! It never mattered. That tiny illusion is not worth abandoning this miraculous situation where lost lives have returned. I wanted to have fun with everyone some more. I never bothered to realize how comfortable my position was. If nothing had happened yet and Othinus suggested bringing back all those lost lives, I would probably have rejected it based on some random ideal or another. I would say their deaths had meaning or that you can’t toy with people’s lives so easily! But she’s already done it. To ‘return things to normal’ now would be no different from killing those unknowing and smiling people with my own hand!! No matter how many excuses you make, that fact does not change. A decision that I make would kill every last one of them!! There’s…there’s nothing I can do. What good is it to take away this world without crime, debt, or broken hearts!? Even if I defeated Othinus, returned everything to normal, and justly slaughtered everyone who shouldn’t be alive, would I really return to the world I picture in my head? How would I ever face the people who are living their normal lives, ignorant of what had happened? Could I really just smile? Could I really smile like an ignorant fool when I really knew the truth!! Like hell I could!! Nothing would remain for me either way. Whether I defeat Othinus or not and whether I live or die, I can’t return to ‘normal’!! No matter what happens and no matter how this ends, there is no way for me to succeed. Even if I don’t ‘fail’ in whatever I choose to do, I will still have complaints and it will all fall apart in the end. In that case, there’s no reason to fight!! Why should I destroy this miraculous situation!? If every path leads to destruction, why not just accept Othinus’s victory? Why not let the number of people saved decide it!? Who saved more people, me or Othinus? The answer is obviously Othinus!! I knew from the beginning I couldn’t hold a candle to what she did!! What else can I do? After…after everything she’s done, there’s nowhere left for me to go!!!!!!”

[future-dregs]

Okay so I'm having to catch up on my rewatch thoughts, and they're going to be all over the place because I am going Through. It. at the moment.

But let's start, and see what happens.

So.

Faith.

Faith is a difficult episode for me. Anytime Sam's faith is brought up it is.

But anyway.

At the beginning of the episode we see another emerging pattern. Sam's job is to grab the kids and run. Idk if there's a deeper meaning to this or not, it could simply be that Sam is just bigger and has more reach, but what I've noticed is that, though Dean is better on the whole with children, Sam is the one (usually) given the role of rescuer, the one to carry them out.

This is a horrible episode for Dean's self worth and his loathing complex and it starts that way immediately with him nearly fucking tasering himself to death to get the job done.

When the doctor tells Sam that Dean's time is very finite, you can just SEE the bottom fall out of his entire world.

Because Sam.never loses this you see, no matter how old he gets or what Dean goes through or how much damage they both take, he never fully loses this idolization of Dean. He never quite believes that Dean can actually be hurt enough to keep him down, that something could actually get the better of Dean.

Even though he worries for Dean's life constantly.

It's just another of the paradoxes in which they live.

Later we will Sam disparage the woman for what she's done, saying its evil. Dean interrupts with "desperate". This is because Sam hasn't yet reached the limits of what he'd do for Dean. He's willing to twist or break ANYTHING to save his brother, but he still thinks, and perhaps even only as a defensive mechanism, that he has a line, not to be crossed, good and evil choices.

Dean already knows he would chain Sam's reaper.

"What would you do for your brother?" It isnt even a question for Dean. Everything in him has been taken apart and rewired to Sam. He'd do anything. And he doesn't have to waste time thinking about it. And he KNOWS this about himself.

This is the first episode that Sam begins to learn it himself.

Dean has resolved himself to his fate, trying to put on brave face. For Sammy, of course, but also himself. It's a terrifying thing.

Sam goes into full research mode. There IS a solution and he WILL find it, because Dean's death is not something he will accept. I know by the end of he knew more about hearts than most surgeons.

And then. A miracle. A faith healer.

And oh. Sam believes.

Now. There's something I want to bring up. When Sam is going through the binding book, we see clippings of the previous victims. Notably an abortion rights advocate and an openly gay teacher.

And we see Sam's face twitch up when he sees them. And this is of course to indicate to us the bigotry behind why these people were chosen (if it wasnt obvious already) and to show that Sam doesn't share in it.

Thing is. I know that twitch. I've DONE it. Its recognition and yes this is part of my queer Sam agenda proof, thank you very much.

Dean's "I'm gonna pray for you" at the end just KILLS me, because he will. Maybe an older and more jaded Dean wouldn't, but this is a young and freshly bled Dean, all raw with guilt and doesn't think he even deserves to live. Of course he's going to pray for this girl.

This is just a really raw episode all around.

Sam wants to take the gift of Dean's life and run far away with it, but they can't. And he feels sick over knowing someone had to die for Dean, and he KNOWS it'll gut Dean empty, but he'd still do it.

Dean has a healed and healthy body, more time, an extension on life. And he's so guilt ridden he can't stand it. God has a plan for him, but God didnt heal him, and he doesn't even believe, but yet. He WAS chosen over everyone else, and he was restored.

And the preacher's wife is dead and his ministry is most likely over and who knows how HIS faith is holding up cause he just got the rug pulled violently out from under him and there's tentfull of desperate people begging for help and he CAN'T anymore.

And a faithless man promises to pray and two believers wait in agony for some comfort and response.

[fayedartmouth]

“there's a lot going on and JJ's going to come back to them at a key moment that changes the course of what the Pogues are about to do. He's going to save them from doing something that they would probably regret.”

Ooooh i have a feeling it’s when the pogues are about to kill chandler’s ass off or did you decide “fuck this guy” and it’s something else?

Also u mentioned that luke is going to play a big rule in this fic im curious if your take of him is similar to the best of the bad deal -someone close to be redeemable but not quite yet- or if it’s close to the show -a piece of shit basically

Hah, I mean, the show set up the revenge storyline against Groff, not me. I'm just rolling with it -- and trying to deal with it in a way that I feel like is more true to the characters. Because I think JJ would talk big about getting revenge. I don't think he'd ever be able to go through with it. I would hate, in the end, if somehow killing Groff was the big redemption for the Pogues, as if that was what JJ was all about. When sincerely, I don't think it was, and I would hate for them to try "honoring" JJ in that way. But that's me. I'm not into revenge as being a meaningful coping mechanism.

That said, it's on Kie's mind and it changes her. JJ coming back will stop her from pulling the trigger, though.

Luke is complicated! I haven't decided how much I should talk about his role in things -- because it is substantial. I struggle with Luke because you can't erase the horrible, horrible things he's done -- but I also am passionate about my belief that people can change. I'll just say, Luke is going to come face to face with the reality of what he's done to JJ -- and I think he's going to find part of himself that he thought was gone.

For me, doing this is as much about what JJ needs as actually FOR Luke. Considering how awful Groff is to JJ -- and how badly JJ is going to cope with nearly being murdered by his own father -- the idea of him having a father figure finally do something right is compelling. I also appreciate a certain parallel in the idea that Luke chose to take in JJ when Groff abandoned him once. I think he can do it again, at two points of JJ's life when he's completely dependent and unable to protect himself. And I guess we'll see if Luke can do it better a second time around.

I'm sensitive to the of ever calling it a redemption arc for Luke. But this is a second chance for everyone, so to speak, and Luke is going to show up for JJ in very palpable ways -- ways that JJ, after a lifetime of pain, really deserves. I worry about it pulling it off, so I hope it doesn't disappoint!

[erytherion]

I knew watching it again would probably result in some different perspectives from when I watched as a kid, but I remembered the film really well already and wasn’t expecting anything particularly ORV-related to suddenly hit me out of the blue, but like. Right at the end. RIGHT at the end.

Sing-Shong (or Han Sooyoung and KimCom, if you’d rather - or maybe both!) really did put so much thought into everything that got included, didn’t they?

You could say that ORV itself is exactly the same to them as this story was to the Rose who shared her story - Jack’s story.

I guess the idea is that, without ORV, we would never have known about Kim Dokja at all, because nobody would have remembered him. Maybe without those specific people surviving, there would not be any other record of him at all. Maybe that is part of the change between what may have ‘actually’ happened and what we read. Maybe he really, truly is ‘just some guy’ trying to survive like Jack Dawson, but nobody even knew he was a part of their story in the first place? What we read is a story saying ‘he was there, here is evidence of him being there’, but maybe he was just like Jack, there unplanned and undocumented, even in the <Star Stream> itself.

And they are still there, telling every world line outside of their own: He was here too. We want to find him. As the only ones who know he was there - maybe without any statue, any documented heroism. Just like everyone in the background of the film, saving each other, dying together, trying to survive.

And a promise, of course, to never let go. Not of a hand, but of a promise: A promise to survive, to live to an old age, and die in a warm bed.

I think a young Kim Dokja would appreciate the kind of message that provided, even in film form. Or at least, it’s one Han Sooyoung (or Sing-Shong, if you’d rather) would consider would want to convey to her readers.

Maybe they don’t even have a picture of him either. Maybe the only record of him exists within their memories. And that was the only source they had with which to try and recreate the ‘him’ that they knew, whilst knowing that, as with the film Titanic, the story would out of necessity become somewhat dramatised to sell the story as plausible or to make it popular enough to reach him.

Anyways, this quote (from the movie transcript - couldn’t find screenshots to do it justice) was what really hit me the most as being relevant to his story, too. Since they were there too, in the theatre dungeon, on the Titanic. It being a fictional rendition of a historical event makes it even more relevant too, and even as a kid I wondered - how can everyone be so okay watching these people die so horribly? But it’s because it’s fiction, it’s fiction. But, in this case, was it? How much of it?

Interpretations of fiction could still be close to reality, in universes where these things did happen, in their reality. As history. So are the things we read, watch, play all the same, in the end? Artists’ renditions, dramatised documentaries, or similar? Fiction, yet also reality.

Like ORV. Fiction, yet reality. Always both and the same.

And they always say ‘it feels like a dream’, too. What do dreams count as? Fiction, or reality? The memories stay in your head from them too. Does that mean they are or are not real?

Just some guy dreaming of the helping his friends through the apocalypse, who came out of nowhere just like Jack Dawson on that ship, walking the fine line between fiction and reality that never had any distinction to him in the first place. It’s always been both, for him, with his story.

Anyways I am crying right now so feel free to cry with me! We have many tears with all these stories and histories, I think.

[quicksilverdrabbles]

Riften 'Guard': Before I let you into Riften, you need to pay the visitor's tax.

Gaia: Hm? A tax?

Riften 'Guard': For the privilege of entering the city.

Gaia: *looking up at the stone walls of Riften* ... I hardly think Riften is worth a visitor's tax.

Riften 'Guard': Are you insulting my city, lass?

Gaia: I would never, sir. It's just that, of all the cities I have been to, which amounts to a total of four so far, I would say the only one actually worth a tax would be the likes of Whiterun.

Riften 'Guard': Sounds like an insult to me. Either way, no tax, no entry.

Inigo: How exactly did you get into Riften last time, my friend?

Kaidan: She, er.. Found another 'entry point'. Charged through Black Briar Meadery.

Riften 'Guard': You what-

Gaia: I see no issue. I was not trespassing, I visited during their opening hours.

Lucien: And got us banned.

Kaidan: The mead isn't that good anyways.

Gaia: There is no reason for Riften to enforce a tax on its visitors. I am convinced this is what humans call a 'shakedown'.

Riften 'Guard': Call it what you want. Give me the gold or leave.

Gaia: ... No, I don't think I will. Goodbye. *turns and walks away, the others following*

Taliesin: Wow. That was pathetic.

Gaia: I am not skilled in Speechcraft. I am told my voice is very monotonous, so it is hard for me to persuade people.

Kaidan: I've heard you change the pitch of your voice to convey other emotions, though.

Gaia: That is not supposed to happen.

Taliesin: Do you at least have another plan to get in? You said we have business here.

Gaia: ... How fast is your running speed?

Taliesin: ... That depends.

~

Team Dragonborn: *thrown out of Black Briar Meadery by Indaryn*

Indaryn: AND STAY OUT!

Kaidan: Well that didn't work.

Lucien: Lady Black-Briar is going to have us on her hit list at this point.

Gaia: You said you can run fast.

Taliesin: Not when I'm being chased by Riften guards in an enclosed space!

Inigo: We need another plan. I do not want to give even a rusty Septim to that arrogant gate guard. He did not even smell like a guard.

Lucien: Guards have a smell?

Gaia: Rerouting... The only way I can see forward is to give him the money. None of us passed his Speech check.

Kaidan: Still lost on what that means.

Taliesin: Oh shut up, you tried to scare the rat into submission and made him angry.

Xelzaz: *walking across the Riften docks, writing in a journal, not noticing the team sitting on the floor yet*

Kaidan: At least I didn't scream like a wee lass when a guard grabbed me.

Taliesin: I did NOT scream like a little girl, you brute!

Gaia: Your vocal pitch came very close to that of a child.

Inigo: Indeed. I thought someone had accidentally kidnapped a child.

Lucien: Do you think we could scale the walls without anyone noticing?

Gaia: No. Regular patrols are routed along the top every hour.

Inigo: Damn.

Xelzaz: *trips over Inigo's tail and falls over* Ow!

Inigo: Ouch! Hey, watch the tail!

Xelzaz: Oh dear, I am so sorry! I'm afraid I was rather lost in thought, I didn't see your... er.. *frowns, looking at everyone on the ground* You.. What are you all doing down here anyways?

Gaia: We were forcibly removed from the premises.

Xelzaz: Why?

Lucien: We tried to bypass the visitor's tax at the gates and enter through the Meadery.

Xelzaz: Ah, you must mean that rather irritable guard. Yes, I encountered him too.

Kaidan: Yeah, well, we don't want to have to give money to someone like him, so we're trying to find a different way.

Xelzaz: That seems like a horrible hassle to go through to save a few Septims.

Lucien: Ahaaa, well, to put it bluntly..

Gaia: Our combined funds are approximately 86 Septims. We would be broke if we gave him his tax.

Xelzaz: I see... Might I offer a suggestion?

Taliesin: I think at this point they would do anything but pay him. Go on.

Xelzaz: I recently brewed a fresh batch of Telvanni Bug Musk. I would be glad to offer it for your use to enter the city.

Inigo: Telvanni what-

Lucien: Telvanni??? Like House Telvanni of Morrowind??

Xelzaz: Ah yes, I suppose I neglected to introduce myself. I am Xelzaz, a Lawman of House Telvanni.

Taliesin: ?? But you are an Argonian. I didn't realize they allowed non-natives to ascend the ranks of House.

Xelzaz: It is a bit uncommon, but not unheard of. I happen to be rather competent in my selected fields of study.

Kaidan: Those being?

Xelzaz: Alchemy and magic study.

Kaidan: Ah, of course.

Gaia: Kaidan does not like magic.

Xelzaz: Hmph. Like all Nords, it seems.

Kaidan: I'm not a Nord.

Lucien: It is rather ironic, though. Taliesin and I both use magic as a primary combat resource.

Xelzaz: I'm rather partial to fire magic myself.

Kaidan: Egh, even worse.

Gaia: I believe we were talking about this 'Bug Musk'?

Xelzaz: Ah, yes. It will make you more attractive to other people. In turn, they become more agreeable and are more willing to do things for you. Such as, say, overlook a visitor's tax?

Lucien: Oh, brilliant! We'll take it!

Xelzaz: *pulls the bottle away from Lucien* Ah, forgive me, but I'm afraid this comes with a bit of a favor on my end. Call it bargaining, if you will.

Gaia: Yes, I assumed there would be a catch to this. What is it you require, then?

Xelzaz: See, I am actually on my way to High Rock to meet with a superior of mine. I could have travelled by boat, but this is my first time leaving Morrowind in quite some time, so I am looking to travel before I arrive at High Rock. Therefore, I am looking for a 'guide', of sorts. Someone who may know the land better than I.

Taliesin: All that for some bug musk?

Xelzaz: The musk is not all I would offer. As I said, I am a very competent alchemist, as well as a chef. I can cook and make potions, and I am also an avid fighter.

Kaidan: Well, it wouldn't be the first time we were hired as tour guides.

Gaia: Correct.

Lucien: Ahaa..

Taliesin: It seems like the best choice, right now.

Gaia: A new path has been revealed. Probability of Success: 92%. We accept.

Xelzaz: Excellent. Here is the Telvanni Bug Musk. *hands the bottle over to Gaia* All you have to do is apply some to your wrists and neck. The effects will last for an hour.

Gaia: Thank you, Xelzaz.

Xelzaz: My pleasure. If I may, what was it a moment ago when you spoke the probability of success? Your voice changed.

Gaia: I am a Dwemer Gynoid. Not human, or elf. A machine. My name is Gaia.

Kaidan: Oh, you've finally ditched that Greeting Protocol thing?

Gaia: I felt it caused some discourse to onlookers.

Taliesin: I think Calcelmo just about fainted when you told him you were a machine.

Xelzaz: A Dwemer Gynoid? How interesting. Your appearance is uncanny to that of the recorded appearance of Snow Elves.

Gaia: They were the model for my design, yes.

Inigo: Does this mean we can get off of the floor now?

Kaidan: Yep, up and at 'em. Time to go and get that guard to let us in this damn city.

[flowerfletching]

! TW for mentions of trauma and mental health !

Okay so I know this might sound bad but in all honesty...I think we need more Crowley angst. I love him dearly and he's one of my favorite characters, he's even my comfort character, and that's exactly why I need to subject him to as much sad as possible. And I don't just mean angst surrounding the fact that he loved Pauline and had to cope with her getting married to Halt, though I do think there's good angst there and that it can be a great thing to explore, it can also be a great factor in the next thing I'm about to say. The angst I mean is like full blown trauma and mental health issues being explored. Like, you can not tell me that Crowley isn't traumatized at least a little bit. He's been through war, has seen countless deaths, has made so many incredibly difficult decisions that almost no one else may have been able to make, has Halt for a best friend- The list can go on. And then there's also the fact that I genuinely don't believe that Crowley just doesn't have mental health issues. That's because I'm pretty sure that he'd have at least some level of PTSD from all the war and stuff, not only that but he'd also have carry all the guilt and stress that his job brings as well.

I think he also has to be like a constant support for many people so that adds on to his stresses too, though I think that could be one of his reasons to live too depending on the situation. I'm sure he does care about them but I don't doubt that it could still weigh on him. I've also noticed that he jokes around and smiles a lot, which is fine, but it could be like a coping mechanism. Or it could also be a way to hide how he's really feeling. It could be absolute hell in his head but he still might never let anyone know, he may not even think of doing such a thing. The reason could be that he's worries about bothering people with his mental health, that he thinks everyone else is in enough pain that he doesn't want to add on with his own, or that he doesn't think he can even be saved at this point, or it could even be for some other undiscovered reason.

Not to mention that I don't think we even know much about his backstory, though I could be missing something and I could be very wrong. But if I'm right that means that we have no idea of the pains he went through when he was younger, and that we can forge a past for him for him to have to suffer through.

I understand that none of this may be canon and I'm not claiming that any of it is, I just want to see more people explore just how much sad a broken and mentally ill Crowley can cause. I understand that we have established traumas to work with like Will's enslavement and Halt's family issues, and I do think they're good to play around with, just to be clear. But I want to see people mess with Crowley a bit more.

Not to mention the different ways that we can play around with it too. Just him having trauma and horrible mental health alone could be bad enough but just imagine him having to suffer through it alone. Or you could imagine how it could be if anyone found out. That could be through him either telling someone or through them finding out in one of the worst ways possible, or through any other way your mind can create.

There are so many possibilities with this in my opinion and I hope I have convinced you at least a little bit with this ramble of mine, though I completely understand if I didn't and I am in no way trying to pressure anyone into creating something they aren't comfortable with. Like I said before, I absolutely love Crowley and believe that he deserves the world so I have no issue reading and seeing him getting that, in fact I'd love to see more of it! But I also can't help but wonder what it would be like to see his world burn to ashes, or worse, to see the people who see him as their world have to watch him slip through their fingertips just because he could save everyone, and yet no one could save him from himself. But I think that's enough of me so I will leave you with one final question: will you join me in exploring just how traumatized Crowley Meratyn can really be?

[did-system-did]

Long Thoughts

I feel like a ghost of who I used to be.

I thought the more effort I put into healing, processing, accepting, and integrating the less I would have to deal with the symptoms of DiD. The less I would have to worry about being different.

Somehow with age, its gotten harder. I thought it would be the opposite. I idealized a future where I could just be one, have a better memory, and retain information better. I wanted that future so badly. Maybe its still possible and I'm just prematurely discouraged, but it was so much easier B.D (before discovery).

Yeah, it was chaotic and embarrassing and all the things you can imagine from an unknowingly traumatized little girl. It was easier back then to just write off my behavior as being weird. I was just the weird, rambunctious, unpredictable little girl, pre-teen, teenager, young woman. And truthfully, I found comfort in the idea that everyone lived that way.

Leaving the emotional distress aspect out of it, I thought everyone had multiple voices and memory gaps and drastic identity changes and internal conflict with identity. So I just lived my life. I was more unstable, but I was significantly happier even through the manic/depressive episodes. It was easier to write it off as "this is just part of life!". My system worked for me.

Finding out that I'm separate from the internal family that raised me was terrifying, embarrassing, yet liberating. Terrifying because the voices I came to be familiar with weren't a norm like i thought, embarrassing because i realized the horrible, mean, weird, chaotic things i've done around people wasnt a dream but actually real life; and liberating because i spent years trying to understand the complex experience i was having and finally cracked the surface.

It was an intense discovery.

Months and a couple years later i was extremely motivated to get to the bottom of my disorder, come to terms with what happened to me, and grow as an individual. Being aware of switches was harder than being unaware, because the latter meant that those days or memories were processed as dreams or separate from reality so i have nothing to worry about. Now knowing that I'm being ripped out of my mind and body made me more erratic when it came to time and how i spent it. I wanted to prevent switches so i could live my life more.

Almost 4 years A.D, i feel... defeated. I have lived my life a certain way since childhood filled with switching, beautiful chaos, and recklessness. It was full of rambunctious people taking care of me, laughing with me, helping me with tests, saying jokes only we can hear, talking to me out loud while i wear headphones walking home from school, protecting me, and just making me feel like someone was there for me. Although it was a confusing time, i was happy. My system made me happy.

That's something i have never admit to anyone, not even my husband who is in full support and knowledge of my disorder. But growing up and until discovery, my system was one whom i, for the most part, could trust.

It's just harder now. When you're a kid theres more freedom for weird behavior, but at 24 years old i would be called crazy.

I'm not crazy, im traumatized. I'm severely torn apart and my brain led the otherwise impossible task of gluing me back together. I spent time in psych wards and crisis houses. I lived in my car and got fired from jobs. I struggle heavily because the way my brain formed itself to live isnt one that fits where i am anymore. And yet, I still need them to feel like myself.

Its painful to accept that because for so long I just wanted to be me. But I'm seeing now that its already been done. This is my brain. This isnt the type of disorder you can medicate away. My brain put itself together in this way to survive and the more i try to make my days quiet and free from my system, the sadder I've become.

This is my sign to take a different approach and be more accepting of the system who helped save my life.

It'll be hard, but i want to be happy.

[akaiuchiha]

So, I couldn't sleep so I decided to went through my notes and there was a period when I translated song I liked (english cover for example) and I translated Reason Living at some point (and English cover).

Guys, I think you have no idea how crazy this opening is to me.

(Beware, spoilers ahead, don't read if you don't want to be spoiled)

The symbolism behind it is just awesome.

Dark Era is really one of my favourite arc. It made me cry and grieve FOR MONTHS before I was even able to listen to the opening without wanting to cry.

And I KNOW how BSD works, it's about the characters but also about saving the world and crazy people trying to change everything with the page.

But if you think about it, BSD is also about people finding themselves. I think we can all agree that some characters for whom we got backstories or even explanations DID find themselves are at least, they are going in the right direction (they clearly are not Zoro). And Atsushi is the main character for a reason because he is still finding who he is and why he is worthy.

And Reason Living? It's just pure hope and angst at the same time it hurts. They PLAYED IT while Odasaku was fighting Gide and I HATED that because the irony of it always made me cry. Playing REASON LIVING when Odasaku LOST his reasons to live??? I know maybe he could have try to keep on living because he wasn't alone but that's not the point and I fully understand Odasaku okay. That man lost his ideals, his ideas of a brigther future because of Mori, how was he supposed to react in other ways than wanting to kill Gide?

But playing this song, about not knowing why you are alive, why you should stay alive but still wanting to find a reason, wanting to find hope?? Yeah that was a horrible experience.

This song describes so much characters. We can obviously state Dazai who's still trying to find himself (I personaly think he is about to have his answer in the manga but it's not the topic here), but it also describes Atsushi who is still learning about his ability and how to deal with it and how to deal with his past. Maybe we can also include Kyouka, even Kunikida because I'm quite sure he is as lost as everyone.

They act but they don't know why, they just know they have to and that maybe they'll find why they have to keep on living.

And I swear this opening hit HARD. I never questioned why I was alive, I just want to be alive because I don't like death at all. It's scary and the end of everything so yes, I never thought about it. But this opening? It takes your feelings and crushes them under the pain, the hope, the despair and everything the characters feel.

BSD is really one of my favourite manga and it really hit me how this manga is about people searching themselves and trying hard to create a brighter future.

Yeah, it might be stupid because Reason Living is probably not the only opening talking about all of that, but it's still my favourite out of all of them. Also, it's clearly stated in the title "Bungou Stray Dogs" how the story is not going to be a walk in a park.

And yet, this story is absolutely amazing and the influence of Dark Era, of Odasaku in this universe is crazy because he's not really a good man (this scene in the novel traumatised me, the one with the vacuum cleaner) and his influence is clearly less important than Natsume's, but we can all agree that it is weird how in every universe, he can't live if Dazai's alive.

Anyway, I really went too far, I just wanted to vent about why Reason Living is a really good opening and how soul crushing it felt to hear it during the fight. Even without speaking and understanding japanese, I felt its meaning deep within my soul.

Thank you for reading!

(I'm really sorry if it's seems a bit..weird to read, it's late where I am from (like, 2 in the morning) and my hands were going ahead of my brain).

[leynaeithnea]

( girl send me whatever you want I am at your mercy kaksksksk )

18.song hasn't even started yet and it's already so good najdjjd chills literal chills

Just a man is that song that when you first listen to it you're like " wow , that really hurt, surely it can't get worse than this" but then SOMEHOW every reprised is worse :) , hurray for suffering I guess

HOW COULD HE NOT BE HAUNTED HE KILLED A WHOLE ASS CHILD IN SUCH A HORRIBLE WAY WHILE THINKING ABOUT HIS OWN SMALL CHILD HE LEFT HOME AAAAHHHJSKKSJSJS

Polities' part hurts so so much but realizing he died believing the open arms mentality somehow hurts SO MUCH MORE , WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED BUT STILL BELIEVED THE SOLUTION IN LIFE IS BEING KIND??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT HIS DEATH IS ONE OF THE EVENTS THAT MAKE ODY LOSE FAITH IN THAT KINDNESS??? AKSKKSKAHJA

aaah Ody's voice changes when saying polities- * sobs*

The part of Ody's mum is already criminal. You listen to it , cry your eyes out bc there's no other acceptable way to react to that , drink some water and that should be it BUT THEN you find out that's Jorge's mother and at that point you're a goner, you'll never stop crying and you need to accept it. Good to know your eyes are teary, it means you're human

Also I can't even imagine how hard "I took too long" hits for you I'm so sorry that your loved ones are all so far , missing people sucks :(

OOOH the scream after bye mum is so akdkdkmans AAAH THE ANGUISH THE PAIN IT'S SO RAW IT HURTS SO MUCH AKSMSNB MY POOR LITTLE MEOW MEOW ODYYYY

Elpeneor's whole thing is honestly hilarious bc it's so random I'm so glad jay cut him bc it would have been too funny LOL

19.*taking notes * check out... more animatics ... Tiresias is... hot ... in them

Alright we can proceed now

WE SHOULD DANCE TO IT TOGETHER PLEASE ( I do not know how to waltz at all but that's besides the point )

This song is my absolute fave after rember them so I just can't think straight when we talk about it bc I love it so much!! The prophecy!! His voice!!! The way he sings !!! The music !!! Too amazing mskskskmssn ( also for "I see you on the brink of death" I always think it's about when he goes to Calypso's bc I remember from Percy Jackson that heroes get to Ogygia when they are on the brink of death but since my source it's Pjo and not the Odyssey I could very much be wrong )

( "i see your palace covered in red, faces of men who had long believed you dead" I'm in love with the way he sings this line and the picture it paints with all the suitors , super chill in his palace cause they think he's dead and him ready to slaughter them all asaandnnsnsnsn )

( The fact that this fandom was able to come up with this many memes it's honestly astounding I don't know how these people can even think through the angst but I love them so much for it )

Lol I missed the chorus completely I thought it was just people making noises I had absolutely no idea there were words in there, but it's nice to know no one can understand them either way

20.again you're so right why didn't I think about that??? My man is not sleeping and feels like he's going insane nooooo

( Can't imagine him not being afraid of Poseidon tbh, as a sailor you are completely at his mercy at all times and you have no way to escape him that shit is scary you're helpless all the timeee)

OH GOD YOU'RE RIGHT HE WAS SO HAUNTED AFTER TROY THAT HE WANTED TO BE BETTER AFTERWARDS "we should try to find a way no one ends up dead " and then desperately trying to keep this mentality " I still believe in goodness , I still believe that we could be kind" HE WAS TRYING SO HARD NOT TO BE THE MONSTER SKSMSNNS

"Everyone but us" at this point I honestly think 'us' is him and his family but his men don't know that and think he's gonna save them too (which I mean, maybe he wanted to save them a little but , as we know, it was NOT his priority )

Ody embracing ruthlessness HITS SO HARD but like we have followed his journey so closely, suffered so much by his side that I was immediately like " YEAH BABY KILL ALL THE GODS AND THE MONSTERS YOU WANT YOU DESERVE IT AS A TREAT SLAAY BESTIE" I support Ody's rights but also his wrongs

( I'm so excited for Telemachus too!!! I did not know anything about him but then I stumbled upon an animatic of legendary and now he's my little cutie patootie I WANT MORE )

Can't form any coherent thoughts about the vocals and the music it's all soooo good just assume that I agree with everything you said ( bc definitely I do )

Welp, I think this was one of my longest yet ? Love you so much for reading all my ramblings and can't wait for the thunder saga bc I love your ramblings!!

Im finially homeee Im finially freee

Lol I missed the chorus completely I thought it was just people making noises I had absolutely no idea there were words in there

so fairrrrr at least now we know the first part sings "siren song, scyllas throat, mutiny and lighting bolt.....and i think one of the last lines is semi-confirmed to be "kill for love" lets start with the thunder saga... 21. Suffering i tried sooo hard to avoid the title spoilers for them, but i failed because literally the first three posts i saw when opened tumblr the day they got leaked (two days or so before the release) were about them...but alas it told me..nothing AND THEN I STAYED up well no i didnt stay up, i went to bed early and put my alarm for 3:45am and then i woke up at 2am....for the livestream at 4am and then we watch the first act and then act two starts and its THIS???? I DIDNT EXPECT IT BECAUSE, GOOD JOB JORGE; YOURE A LIAR ahem anyway THE BEGINNING?? the siren...noises?? i was so shook when they sang penelopes name and then SHE STARTS SINGING I love her voice so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhh btu i was so confused bc i was so sure sirens werent in it so what else was this supposed to be??? Is Ody suicidal and hallucinating penelope? is this a flashback? nah that didnt make sense, it was 5am and i was so confused but Jorges vocals omgg theyre so niceee "you know im afraid of the water" CONFUSED ME SO MUCH, BUT ITS HILAROUS that he would say that the duet between them is so gooooooooooodd the way ody tries to explain why he doesnt jump in the water while pretending to get along with her.... and then Ody: "fineeeeee" (finially) and penelope: "of course!! :D" (finially) so lets say i was on the run or hiding....yes, very hypothetical questions youre asking ody penelope: oh nyo :o (just ask the question already boy) I looveeeeee how the vocals in penelopes reply "is sailing wheres scared to roam, oh its through the lair of syclla" (*beat drop*) "No-" (ODYS MASK FALTERS) "this is your only way home, the lair of syclla (such beauuutttyful vocals) "but syclla has a cost" HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS HE HAS TO SACRIFICE MEN IN ORDER TO GET THROugH THERes nO WAY He CAN GET EVERYONE ALIVE THROUGH IT "now jump in the water :D" (getting impatient, but smiling) MY FAVORITE LINE IN THIS MUSICAL "Penelope Why, you know im too shy and terrified" THE SMIlE IN HIS vOICe, this SLEEK MAN is liYIng THROUGH HIS TEETH; THIS IS ODYSSEUS; KING OF ITHIKA; THE MAN WHO TOOK TROY, AND HE SAYS heS SHY "Oh for you I would die but cant you let me stay dry?" wonderful ryhming ESP BECAUSE in this song hes not JUST lying, no hes also using this as a way to cope and letting himself induldge in a flicker of believe that hes acutally talking to penelope right now, theres a handful of comments that are clearly not lies, this is one of them. (sigh) "the things i do for you" (talking to/about real!penelope again), so good. beautiful voice acting i love it so much I love my short little liar kings so much (Ody, Neil, but esp Ody rn) Im going to do this song by song here rn, because im afraid that the posts will be too long again siegsegj

[xoteajays]

I love how we're just alternating between like a dozen of fandoms at a time.. Like we're basically talking about five fandoms at one time too.

~

I saw your pictures. Obviously Karube may not like Chishiya.. Because when Chishiya first met Arisu and Usagi officially, out of the game, he manipulated them since that moment. So now I want my character to be an INTJ so she could just outsmart Chishiya's manipulation tactics a lot of the time. But I'm being completely biased about that though.

But just about everyone is friends with Kuina. Well... Except for Niragi and Last Boss. Since they have never liked her either. So there's that.

Anyway.

Aguni liked Karube. So he probably did want him to be militants, even enough to have him a his right hand man. Karube would notice how a lot of the militants treat the people at the hotel. So he might only join, just to gather information for him and his friends (exactly like how the other characters do, like Chishiya and Arisu being in their counsels).

I mean.. Yeah. Arisu is actually pathetic for most of the series. At least for the show, since his character's actually different in the manga just for the simple fact that his manga character is really intelligent (in the same way that Chishiya is). So he's actually stupider in the show. That is what I know though. And yeah. I know. You never know how you will act or react in some apocalyptic situation like this. But, if you do want to live, you'll have to start thinking rationally rather than emotionally.

I still haven't watch the Tokyo Revengers live action yet. So I just can't comment about that yet. Other than some favorite actors are actually in the movies. But I can't really say anything about anything else yet.

Teppachi was a military movie? Show? Because I just looked up those pictures. Normally I don't really care about natural blonde hair on a lot of people.. But something about Asian men who dye their hair blonde is different for me - I'm rarely attracted to men with natural blond hair but am attracted to men who dye their hair blond. I don't know why.

Oh! He has an ashy silver blond color for his character. I had a friend... She was in the xxxHolic series. I never watched, or read, this series so I can't comment on that. But I do like his character designs though.

Maybe Banda has a pretty twin brother who's this goth boy. And I am not sure if he'll be a murder. But maybe Banda has a twin brother? I'm not sure. But now I'm attached to his style for him. So don't judge me.

Anyway.

I knew the woman was the girlfriend (or wife) to Karube's boss. And.. I have to say that I was more upset that he punched Arisu. So I just can not lie to you. I don't blame him for treating Shibuki that way because if I was in that situation, I would've reacted that way too. Because just if you think about it: She willingly sacrificed that teenage girl and was even willing to sacrifice the three boys - Arisu, Karube and Chota - so she could save herself. Instead of trying to work together so they may be able to leave the building. If I was Karube, I would've pushed her in the door to kill her off so I can't blame him for that reason. And she's a manipulative cunt. I wish she died sooner. But that Hearts game even was a horrible death. Karube and Chota shouldn't have died that way.

True.. Not only is the dormouse character a main character who really is connected to other main characters. So I'll definitely have to search through the characters again. I'll have to figure out which characters I might have. Despite the fact just about every character in Borderland is based on Wonderland characters yet only portion of the characters have officially been conformed because of how obvious the character is to their counterparts. And other suggestions seem ridiculous to me like you wouldn't believe at all. Like how is Aguni, The Walrus? Stupid.

Really? I've never seen any other characters. Mostly the Dormouse's a character I see frequently. Maybe a Knave. And I know you also had a Talking Flower character. But not really many AIB original characters.

I don't know which characters I might have. I don't know if I may have a flower character. But, if I did, I might have vague ideas for that one..

If I have a talking flower character. That character may be so vibrantly colored like a flower (maybe brightly dyed hair). Maybe someone who is a botanist or florist, so has the knowledge about plants and flowers that most people won't have. Would possibly make holistic medicines with plants and flowers for when people are sick or injured since I just rarely see doctors in this series (not including Chishiya since he is not the most helpful person). And maybe is able to know which plants, or flowers, or spices could be used in foods to give more flavor to any of their meals with whoever they're eating with. Maybe someone who is born in the spring or summer season because floral seasons. But I do not know what their capabilities are for games though, but they really have intelligences to use plants for other reasons like some medicine or spices. Maybe poisons too? I don't know. But that's my vague idea.

But... If Alice In Borderland is Alice In Wonderland themed, then that's a good enough excuse to create my Wonderland themed characters.

Have you ever created a characters based off an album? I know that's a random question. But still. That helps explains some things for me.

Even though I kinda like the whole Alice In Wonderland theme.. I have not watched or read anything Wonderland themed. Like besides with Borderlands, some anime series have a Wonderland episode. And the bands I listen to even have Wonderland themed song like Wonderland by AleXa as one example. But I haven't watched Alice movies in years. So I can't really comment much about the any character mannerisms if I'm being honest. So I'll have to get knowledge for characters again.

I do like Ann's short hair. But I usually tend to be biased with long hair so I have more of a preference for her long blonde hair. Does she have blonde hair? I know she has light colored hair. But I'm curious why her hair was changed though? If she doesn't have that hair, maybe one of my characters can. Maybe Ann's friend, or lover, or whoever I think of.

~

Out of the enemy gangs, Doubt's more on his priority list than Mighty Warriors or Kuryu is.. At least when women and girls are involved. Not that he wouldn't be cautious around those gangs too, since you never know who would use their weaknesses to their advantages. Because I think Ryu would. Since he already did that with the Rude Boys gang a lot of the time in the story. Not sure about everyone else. But it would probably happen though. Since they tend to play unfairly with others.

But Doubt, especially Ranmaru, is his biggest concern. Regardless of what they do to or with women, Doubt is always harmful to women in a lot of ways. Besides the enemy gangs.. He's more open to affections with his girlfriend, maybe, if he's around the right people. Only if he is actually wanting to be affectionate though. Because even if he was, it is obvious his public affections are minimal around everyone else too.

Kizzy never gives Rocky a break.. She needs to stop blackmailing him all the time. Just let Rocky have this privacy, with or without an entire relationship involved. And let the man have real decent vacations too.

Kizzy's basically an attention whore now. Like.. What the fuck, Kizzy. I think Kizzy needs this shock collar every time she is being nosy about someone or something. How did that even happen. Seriously! How?!

But definitely one kink I will always project, besides the size kink if it's not already obvious. But auralism is a kink that will happen frequently with some of my characters too. Because how can you not find any of their voices attractive? So I'm such a goner whenever I hear attractive guys speak. Music, voices and sometimes sounds. Auraliam is a kink.

Hyuga and Murayama never know shame.. Obviously! The Rude Boys and Murayama would have sex on a roof. Maybe Hyuga - the roof to a house, not his car. Well.. Maybe his car too. But I could see Hyuga is a man who would have sex in the shrine though, possibly in front of the statues too. I don't know. But I can see this happening. So shameless.

But that would be an awkward situation. If Furuya and Seki ever does walk in on Murayama having sex with his partner. Like on the rooftop.

I know, I know.. I'm obsessively mentioning this scenario. But I'd think it could be an awkward, or even funny, situation if that ever happened though. But it's usually funnier in a lot of shows and movies though.

~

I can't comment.. I have been doing that lately too. Instead of actually catching up on new shows and movies, I've been rewatching so many other shows and movies. And I'm really annoyed with myself about it. But! At least Alice In Borderland is horror. Dystopian horror, but still in a horror genre way. So that's definitely the horror show for Halloween.

- 💋

we’re just bouncing around from fandom to fandom. not the first time i’ve been all over the place agdhdlsl

~

chishiya was blatantly using arisu and usagi and then betrayed them later so he could snoop around hatter’s room while arisu got the crap beat out of him by niragi. so obviously karube wouldn’t really like him. and in like, my first karube/niragi fic, i mentioned karube punching chishiya for it.

i’ve shipped chishiya with a spades/hearts oc and a clubs oc, but not with a diamonds oc for some reason. idk. i can’t write characters that are super smart. the math game in the second season still confuses me. i woulda died there immediately.

kuina is just likeable. she’s a sweetie. and she’s mostly a clubs player so obvi she has to get along with people. she’s the extrovert to chishiya’s introvert.

i’ve been writing militant!karube as the only like. decent militant member. like all the other militants are kind of douchebags, but karube is mostly nice to people. plus it means he can have a weapon since non-militants aren’t allowed any.

also i just think it’s funny for karube to sweep in and become aguni’s right hand and be actually liked by aguni, when niragi has been trying to get aguni to like him this whole time and karube didn’t even have to try. agonising for niragi. and then. then they k. they kiss.

i liked the tokyorev live action. i think the characters got aged up a lil bit tho, which i do prefer. i think they’re a lil too young in the anime/manga. aren’t they like 15?

dyed blond dudes is just hotter than natural blond dudes.

i didn’t watch any of the other xxxholic stuff, but i watched the movie for a number of actors in the cast that i liked. like hayato and kamiki ryunosuke. hayato just looked So Good. goth blond boy.

not sad that shibuki died, but i was sad about karube and chota. they really hit you hard in ep3. like boom bam! death!! bring my boy back, he didn’t deserve that.

i think a lot of people forget the wonderland aspect, so they don’t end up writing it into their character. or they just can’t be bothered and just design an oc the way they usually would. i think a lot of the more interesting wonderland characters are taken tho by canon characters.

i watched the live action movie from a few years ago, but i don’t remember a lot of it. i haven’t read the books or even seen the disney movie. i just did a lot of research, digging into character lists from wonderland stuff and reading wiki pages about specific characters. and then just went from there.

i think her hair was short because they cast ayaka miyoshi. i don’t think she’s had long hair for a while and maybe they just thought it suited the character better or didn’t want to put her in a wig. short hair tends to stereotypically give off more severe and serious vibes too, which are typical traits of ann.

~

ranmaru would absolutely attack any specific women that he saw rocky caring closely for. i still think it would make a good fic plot. but i also do just enjoy dark, whump, hurt/comfort fics.

rocky definitely prefers his privacy when it comes to showing affection. at least he can get some (privacy, i mean. but also sex too ig) when he’s at home since koo is respectful of giving him his space when he’s got a lady around.

no shame on those two boys. i mean, murayama can get a lil embarrassed, like when he asked to join the sannoh gang and got rejected and laughed at. but not a whole lotta shame in him.

hyuga would absolutely have sex on the hood of his car.

i could see murayama and a girl getting caught in the main oya gang room. like murayama forgot to lock the door before they started messing around. there is a couch (and i think a bed) in there.

[nella09archive]

Marriage. 52

Chapter 52: fallen

Ok, what gives? How does dad know the name of Bulma’s baby? And how did he know it was Vegeta’s? Then I started to wonder how babies are made. I read a lot of mom’s medical books, but none where in depth about the human body. When this is over, I’ll ask my parents where babies come from. That’s when trouble hit.

What’s wrong with dad? Is it? It can’t be? The day the virus was supposed to take effect came and went. Why is this happening now? Vegeta was able to get dad out of the way. No Mr. Piccolo! Let me go with my dad! What am I supposed to do? Thankfully Mr. Yamcha took dad. But it doesn’t stop me from worrying. I’m so conflicted on what I should be doing. I want to stay and fight, but I want to be by my dad’s side.

Why did I have to be the one to take Bulma? At least, now I’ll be able to check on my dad. I just hope he’s alright. I need to hurry! We’re so close. but Bulma just had to request changing course to her home. “But dad.” They tell me that the baby is more important. I can’t believe this! I want to help everyone, I’m worried about my dad, and yet I’m stuck taking Bulma and her baby to her home.

I finally make it home, and being told we’re moving dad to Master Roshi’s. I’m so happy mom is taking care of dad. She tries to reassure me, but I’m still worried. Also, future boy is here, and he seems confused by the sight of my mom. Even though mom is making me study, I know she’s just trying to keep me distracted.

There’s a new monster out there, and what it leaves behind is horrible. Mom isn’t allowing me join the others track the monster. She’s making me study, but I just can’t stay still. When she does let me go, I’m so grateful. Yet I’m still worried about dad. Mom just gives me and hug, and tells me that everything will be fine. As I hug mom, I feel that weird ki again, and I strangely tell it that mom is right about everything will be ok. I don’t understand why I did that, but somehow it made me feel better. Somehow it made me feel like I can get through this, that I just have to.

…

Lately Goku been giving me a worried look. Not only that, he also been a bit more affectionate. And at night he would hold me even more protective. Then when Gohan slept with us, he held us like he was scared to let us go. And this morning he slept in. Something is very wrong, and he won’t tell me. When I enter our room, in hopes to wake him, he was holding the medicine bottle. I couldn’t hold in my shock, and I ran to his side. I could feel tears falling on my face when I reached him.

He held me, and kissed my forehead. I couldn’t stop sobbing as he held me. Then he let me go, and when I looked at his face, he had the face of pain and fear. A face he rarely showed, and if he’s showing it now than something is really wrong. I try to ask him what’s wrong, and the only thing he blurt out. “You’re pregnant.” Then his tears finally fell, as he hugged me. Both joy and fear ran through my veins. I rub his back and ask if he’s sure. “Yes. Even Gohan notice, but I been trying not to tell him.” My poor Goku. I then felt his hand on my stomach, and he’s begging me to stay strong for him.

“What do you mean? Goku?” He just passionate kisses me, and tells me that he loves me with all his heart and soul. With that I finally understand what he’s trying to tell me. “But what about the medicine? It can save you.” He tells me he’s not worry about that, but that he just has a strange feeling that something bad is going to happen. And that he wants me to be strong for him. That no matter what, that everything he does is for me and Gohan, and now the little one. Crying I ask. “Then promise me. Promise me that we’ll be all happy.”

“I can promise that you, Gohan, and little one will be happy. As for me, I’m not sure. Now come on. Gohan is starting to worry.” I give him one more look. “When this is over, we’ll tell him he’s going to be a big brother.” He kissed my lips. “Even if… I’m not physically here.” We share one more passionate kiss before we smile, and walk to meet Gohan. We have to face this head on.

As Yamcha shows up with Goku, I try as I might to stay strong. I have to keep my head high, and get him through this. He will pull through. I think Yamcha is confused how calm I’m being, and even surprised that I had an extra supply of the medicine. When he asked how; I just told him about Goku’s doctor visits. And how they made a copy of the medicine.

Then this weird boy, shows up with Krillin, saying we have to move Goku. I don’t even question it. If they feel it’s for Goku’s safety, then it’s perfectly fine. The boy did seem to keep giving me a weird look, almost confused. Krillin tells him I’m Goku’s wife and Gohan’s mom, and he looks so surprised. From what I get, this must be the future boy Goku told me about. What’s his name again? Oh, Trunks. He really does have Vegeta’s face, and I couldn’t help inwardly snicker at that.

After he helped settle Goku, I asked him for a moment. Everyone leaves us alone, and I asked how was Gohan in his future. He seemed kind of scared to answer me. But when he does, he tells me how Gohan was a great fighter and an amazing mentor. Also, how sorry that he wasn’t strong enough to help Gohan. “Maybe if I was stronger, maybe he wouldn’t have…” He turned away from me, but I could almost hear the crack in his voice. “Maybe he wouldn’t have been killed so easily.” I couldn’t help rub his back, and tell him it’s ok. That it’s not his fault. That he’s here now, and can make a difference. “I don’t get why mom never mentioned you. You’re so sweet, and you just met me.”

He tries to tell me how he’ll fine me, and ask that me for forgiveness. “There is no need. If you said that Gohan been dead from some time, I’m probably not even alive anymore.” He begins to cry again, and even hugs me. “It’s ok. Pass mistakes can always be forgiven, no matter what timeline.” He smiled at that, and thanked me. And that he’ll still look for my home, and even if I’m not there, he’ll still ask for forgiveness. How it’s the least he can do. I just couldn’t help smile at that.

Goku wasn’t kidding when he said he felt something bad was going to happen. But this is just worse than what I could have imagine. I’m even starting to get worried, but a quick look at my Goku, I remembered our promise. I promised I be strong, and that’s what I’m going to do. I absently rub my belly. Don’t worry little one, daddy won’t let anything happen bad happen to us. Daddy will keep us safe.

With that I went and check on Gohan, and I could tell he’s so on edge. My poor baby. No. My poor big boy. I tell him that he could help the others, but to come back to me safely. He looks surprise, but he hugs me as thanks. That’s when I hear him mumble. “Mom is right about everything is going to be ok.” With that he left. I don’t think he realized that he was speaking to his future sibling. But it does make me smile. It’s like he already knows how to be a big brother. I can’t wait to tell Goku that. With that I head back inside.

…

As I woke this morning, I couldn’t help feel the tightness of my chest. It’s even taking me a moment to breathe. This isn’t good. The fight is only a week away. I look over to Chichi, and she’s peaceful still asleep. I placed my free hand on her stomach. I still between happy and shocked that this happened so close to a big fight. I’m happy that I gave my wonderful wife another baby, but I am worried now.

There is a strange energy that I started feeling recently, as we continued training. I know I will make it through the virus, but that strange energy worries me. I then hold Chichi even more protectively. What if I still die? Maybe not by the heart virus, but by battle. How will Chichi handle that? I won’t even be able to return. And what if I am able to? Would it be right to come back?

Every fight that put my family and friends in danger was usually because of me. Raditz wouldn’t have came to earth, if it wasn’t for me. Same for Vegeta and Nappa. And Piccolo was after me because I killed his father. And I almost died during that fight. Frieza came to earth all because of me. Now to top it off, these androids were created to destroy me. Everything just seems to be after me. I really am cursed. I have to keep my family protected! What future would this life have if I stay? Will they be safe? But maybe they’re have a better change if I wasn’t around.

Oh great. Gohan just notice Chichi’s ki drop. He looks so scared and worried; he’s not the only one. It remains me when Chichi was pregnant with him, and I didn’t want to leave her alone. But now I know she’ll be fine. So, I really need to calm Gohan down. It took some work, but he learned to focus on training, and not panic every time Chichi ki drops. I had to be extra careful myself. I almost let Piccolo punched me, and I was seconds from racing to Chichi. If I want to keep my son calm, I have to lead by example. But the moment we got home for the night, it took everything for me not to rush to Chichi. It seemed it also took a lot out of Gohan, too.

When me and Chichi were alone, I finally checked her over. She seemed to not mind, but I have yet told her. I’m scared to do so. Then Gohan asked to sleep with us. I was almost too happy when I said yes. I want my family close, since it’s almost the day. As we slept, I held them extra protectively. My perfect little family; I just love them so much. I will do everything to keep every single one of you safe. Even if that means risking my own life. I then started to quietly apologize to them. I’m the cause of their pain, but no more. I’m going to make sure that they are only happy. Even if that mean that I’m not here to do so.

The day came, and it took more energy to just wake up. I just feel extremely weak, but I need to push through. I need to make sure Gohan will be ok. I then noticed the medicine bottle on top of Chichi’s night stand. I grab it and sit back down. What am I going to do? Maybe I’ll last long enough to fight the androids, and be back in time to take the medicine. Just then Chichi comes in and the emotions I been holding back falls out. I finally tell her about the baby. I beg her to be strong for me. She doesn’t understand, and then begs me to promise that we’ll all be happy. I could only promise for them to be happy. We both are in tears, and I beg her again to be strong for me. She agrees and we share one more passionate kiss.

I can’t believe this. Here I thought I could at least get a scratch in. Guess I’m weaker than I…

… *Cough! Cough! * Wow that hurt. Where am I? This looks like a room in Master Roshi’s place. Boy, was that nightmare crazy. I tried to sit up, only to fall back. I need to get up. I looked to left, and see one of Chichi’s projects on the table. I couldn’t help smile at that. I then I tried to get up again, this time I was able to. I tried everything to stay standing. Boy, I feel super weak. I tried walking around the room for a bit, and after some time, I was able to stay standing. Then my senses slowly came back to me. And sense of panic wash over me. Gohan is nowhere near by, and I just hope he’s alright. I then was able to tell that Chichi was downstairs; that somewhat calmed me down.

Also, that weird energy seem to have gotten stronger, and it’s weird that it’s kind of feel like a mix of me and my friends. I stepped out, through the window. I need to check where I stand with my strength. After I sent a rush of energy out, do I hear my name being called. When I turned around, it’s Chichi. She jumps into my arms, and I can’t help feel so happy to see her. We shared a small moment, before going back inside. She then surprised me with food, while Master Roshi tells me what has been going on. With that I start getting ready to head out. Before I leave I just can’t, I need to share one more kiss with Chichi. Thankfully she’s allowing me to make Gohan stronger, she’s even encouraging. My wife is perfect.

…

We have 10 days before the Cell Games to begin. I’m going to make sure Gohan and Chichi are super happy. I want to engrave their smiles into my very soul, and I want to engrave my smile in theirs.