#me when the generational trauma hits (is it still generational if its just two generations?)

[8cfc00]

just read the lyrics to the recent grotto song Grow Up and oh my GOD! MATT!

[wilwheaton]

When you watch The Curse, you are watching two children who were abused and exploited daily during production. No adults protected us.

This was originally published on my blog in August, 2022.

I had a wonderful time at Steel City Comicon this weekend. It was my first time at this particular con, so I didn’t know there was such a huge contingent of horror fans, creators, and vendors who attend.

I love horror, and I was pretty psyched to be in the same place as John Carpenter and Tom Savini, across the street from the Dawn of the Dead mall. Pittsburgh feels like one of the places horror was invented, at least to me.

A number of these horror fans came to see me, and asked me to sign posters and other things from a movie my parents forced me to do when I was 13, called The Curse. I had to tell each of these people that I would not sign anything associated with that movie, because I was abused and exploited during production. The time I spent on that film remains the most traumatizing time of my life, and though I am a 50 year-old man, just typing this now makes my hands shake with remembered fear of a 13 year-old boy who nobody protected, and the absolute fury the 50 year-old man feels toward the people who hurt him.

I told this story in Still Just A Geek, and I’ve talked about it in some podcasts I did on the promo tour, but I’ve never put it out in public like this, in its entirety.

I suspect someone at the publisher would prefer I tease this and hope it drives book sales from people who want to read all of it, but I honestly don’t want to have another weekend like this one where everything is awesome, except the few times people who have no idea (and why should they) put that fucking poster in front of me, and all the fear, abandonment, and trauma come flooding back as I tell them that I won’t sign it, and why.

To their credit, each person was as horrified as they should have been, told me they had no idea (if they didn’t read my book why would they), and quickly put the poster away. They were all understanding. I am grateful for that.

But I really don’t need to tell this story over and over again, so here it is, with a child abuse and exploitation content warning, so I can just tell people to Google it.

After Stand by Me, everything changed. The attention from entertainment journalists, casting directors, and especially teen magazines came pouring in. The movie was a generational hit, beloved by critics and audiences alike, and every single one of us could pick anything to do next.

River’s parents and his agent got him Mosquito Coast, with Harrison Ford, as his next movie. I also auditioned for the role, but I knew even then that River was going to book the job. He was perfect, and I’d have to wait a little bit for my opportunity to come along.

I went on a lot of theatrical auditions after Stand by Me. I had tons of meetings with directors and the heads of casting at every major studio. It was all a very big deal, and I felt like we were all looking for something really special and amazing as my follow-up to Stand by Me.

At some point, a couple of producers contacted my agent with an offer to play one of the leads in an adaptation of H. P. Lovecraft’s “The Colour Out of Space.” The script was titled The Farm. (It would, of course, be changed when the film was released).

I read it. I did not like it. It was a shitty horror movie, and I saw that right away. It was the sort of thing you rented on Friday when the new release you wanted was already out of the store.

My mother, already an incredibly manipulative person, used every tool at her disposal to change my mind. My father threatened me, mocked me, told me “It’s your decision” when it clearly wasn’t. It was all so weird; I didn’t understand why they cared so much.

I told my parents I didn’t like it and didn’t want to do it. I clearly recall thinking it was a piece of shit that would hurt my career.

It wasn’t the first thing that had come our way that I wanted to pass on, and every other time, it hadn’t been a very big deal.

Sidebar: I was cast in Twilight Zone: The Movie, in 1983. The film tells four stories, and I was cast as the kid who can wish people into cartoonland. It was a GREAT role, in a movie I still love. (Note that Twilight Zone had four directors. One of them got three people killed. The segment I was cast in was not that one. I mention this because too many people zero in on this to deflect from what this whole thing is actually about.)

But I was CONVINCED by my parochial school teacher that if I worked on The Twilight Zone, which she had determined was satanic, I would go to hell. (This woman and her bullshit played a big role in my conversion to atheism at a young age, but when she told me that, I was all-in on the supernatural story they taught us in religion class.) I was so scared, more scared than I’d ever been to that point in my life, I cried and wailed and begged my parents to not make me do the movie. And I never told them why, because I was afraid my dad would laugh at me for being weak and afraid. My agent tried to talk me into it, and I wouldn’t budge. It’s the only thing I deeply and truly regret passing on, and I really hate I made that choice for such a stupid reason.

Okay. Back to The Curse.

This time, when I told them how much I hated it, they wouldn’t listen to me. My mother, already an incredibly manipulative person, used every tool at her disposal to change my mind. My father threatened me, mocked me, told me “It’s your decision” when it clearly wasn’t. It was all so weird; I didn’t understand why they cared so much.

That is, until they made me take a meeting with the producers of the movie, in their giant conference room on the top floor of a tall building in Hollywood. All I remember about this place was that it was huge; the table was way too big for the five of us who spread around it, and there were floor-to-ceiling windows on three of the walls, but the room was still dark. There was a weird optical illusion in the center of the table, this thing they sold in the Sharper Image catalog, made from two reflective dishes with a hole in the top of one. You placed an object in the bottom of the bottom dish, and it made it look like that object was floating above the whole thing. They had a plastic spider in it. What a strange detail for me to remember, but it’s as clear in my memory as if I were sitting in that room right now.

One man, who I presumed was the executive producer, was European or Middle Eastern (I didn’t know the difference then, he was just Not Like People I Knew), and I was instantly afraid of him. He was intimidating, and seemed like a person who got what he wanted.

So we sat there, my father who didn’t give a shit about me, my mother who was cosplaying as someone with experience, and me, thirteen years old, awkward as fuck, and scared to death.

I don’t remember what they said to me in their pitch or anything other than how uncomfortable and anxious I was to even be in that room. I tried so hard to be grown up and mature, but I — and my parents — was way out of my depth. I’d done one big movie and that was it. We didn’t have my agent with us, who had lots of experience and would have known what questions to ask.

No, in place of my experienced agent, my mother had decided she was going to be my manager, and she tackled the responsibility with an enthusiasm that was only matched by her absolute incompetence and inability to go toe-to-toe with producers the way my agent did. She was outwitted, out-thought, and outmaneuvered at every turn.

“You don’t have a choice,” my father commanded. “You are doing this movie.”

So we sat there, my father who didn’t give a shit about me, my mother who was cosplaying as someone with experience, and me, thirteen years old, awkward as fuck, and scared to death.

At some point, this man, who is represented in my memory by big Jim Jones sunglasses under dark hair above an open collar, said, “We are offering you a hundred thousand dollars and round-trip travel for your whole family. We will cast your sister, Amy, to play your sister in the movie.”

It all made sense, now. I was only thirteen, but I knew my parents were pushing me so hard because this company was offering me — them, really — more money than I’d ever imagined I’d earn in my life, much less a single job.

I knew that the right thing to do, the smart thing to do, was to say no. There would be other opportunities, and it was stupid to cash myself out of feature films for what I thought was, in the grand scheme of things, not very much money.

It’s incredible to me that I knew all of this. It’s incredible to me that I could see all these things, plainly and clearly, and my parents couldn’t (or, more likely, chose not to).

So after this man made his offer, all the adults in the room ganged up on me, selling me HARD on this movie.

My mother said, “Don’t you want your sister to have the same opportunities you’ve had? Wouldn’t it be fun and exciting to go to Rome? Think of all the history!”

The experience was awful. It was the worst experience I have ever had on a set in my life, by every single metric. The movie is awful, and it is the embarrassment I knew it would be.

I don’t think about this very often, because it’s super upsetting to me. Right now, I’m so angry at my parents for subjecting me and my sister to this entire experience. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In that moment, I felt bullied and trapped. All these adults were talking to me at the same time, and I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to go home and get out of this room. I just wanted to go be a kid, so I did what I’d learned to do to survive: I gave in and did what my parents wanted.

The experience was awful. It was the worst experience I have ever had on a set in my life, by every single metric. The movie is awful, and it is the embarrassment I knew it would be.

But here’s the thing: when you watch The Curse, you are watching two children, me and my sister, who were abused on a daily basis. The production did not follow a single labor law. They worked us for twelve hours a day, on multiple film units (while I work on First unit, second unit sets up and waits for me. When I should get a break to rest, they send me to Second unit, then to Third unit, then back to First unit. I was 13.) without any breaks, five days a week. I was exhausted the entire time. I was inappropriately touched by two different adults during production. I knew it was wrong, but I was so scared and ashamed, and I felt so unsupported, I didn’t tell anyone. I knew my dad wouldn’t believe me, and my mother would blame me. Anything to keep the production happy, that’s what she did. That was more important to her than the health and safety of her children. The director was coked out of his mind most of the time, incompetent, and so busy fucking or trying to fuck one of the women in the cast, he was worse than useless. He was a fading actor who was cosplaying as a director, as in over his head as my mother. My sister and I were never safe. Instead of harmless atmospheric SFX smoke, they set hay on fire in barrels and blew actual smoke onto the set. They took buckets of talc, broken wood, bits of wallpaper and plaster, and threw it into my face during a scene inside the collapsing house. My sister is in a scene where she goes to get eggs from some chickens, and they attack her. So they hired Lucio Fulci, the Italian horror master, to direct her sequence. His idea, which everyone was totally on board with, was to throw chickens at my sister. Live chickens, live roosters, live birds. Just throw them at a nine-year-old girl. Oh, and then tie them to her arms and legs so they’ll peck her. All of this happened under my mother’s observation, and with her full participation.

Everything I need to know about who my parents are is wrapped up in that experience: the total lack of concern for my safety and happiness, treating me like an asset instead of a son, lying to me, manipulating me, and using me to get things they wanted, and then gaslighting me about it.

If just ONE of the things I can remember happened to someone I loved, I would have grabbed my kids, gone to the airport, and flown home. Fuck those abusive assholes in the production. Let the lawyers sort it all out. Nobody hurts my children and gets away with it.

My mom says she “had some talks” with the producers. She claims that, once, she wouldn’t let us leave the hotel. (God, what a fucking dump that place was. It was just slightly better than a hostel.) I have no memory of that, but honestly the entire experience was so traumatic, I’ve blocked most of it out.

The movie was the commercial and critical failure I knew it would be. My parents spent the money. I don’t know what they spent it on. I got to keep fifteen cents of every dollar, so . . . yay?

My sister and I hardly ever talk about this. I suspect it was as upsetting and traumatic for her as it was for me. I told her I was writing about it, and asked her if she remembered anything. She told me she’d been lied to her whole life about this movie. Our mother let her believe she had been cast on the strength of her audition. “I was excited to work with you,” she said. She reminded me about some stuff I’d blocked out, including a scene where my character’s older brother (played by an actor named Malcolm Danare, who was kind and gentle, and made both of us feel safer when he was around) shoves my character into a pile of cow shit. When it came time to shoot the scene, the mud they’d put together to be the cow shit looked an awful lot like cow shit. When Malcolm pushed me into it, we all found out it was real cow shit. I was FURIOUS. The director had lied to me and had allowed me to have my entire body shoved into an actual pile of actual cow shit. I don’t remember what I said, but I remember he treated me the exact same way my father did whenever I got upset: he laughed at me, told me I was being too sensitive, reminded me that he was the director and he wanted to get a “real” performance out of me, and concluded, “If it bothers you so much, we’ll get you a hepatitis shot,” before he walked away.

My sister also recalled that, after she survived the scene with the chickens, it was the producers’ idea to give her one as a pet.

Okay, let’s unpack that for a quick second: you’ve been traumatized by these birds, so we’re going to give you one as a pet. That you’ll somehow keep in your hotel, and then will somehow get back to America. It will shock you to learn that neither of those things happened.

She remembered, as I do, the huge fight I had with my parents in our kitchen, where I told them I hated the script and I hated the movie. I didn’t want to do it, and I hated that they were making me do it.

“You don’t have a choice,” my father commanded. “You are doing this movie.”

“This is the only film you are being offered,” my mother lied to me. She made me feel like, if I didn’t do this movie, I would never do another movie again in my life. I had to do this movie. As my father bellowed, I had no choice.

Both of my parents denied this argument ever happened. Can I tell you how reassuring it is to know that my sister, who was also there, remembers it the same way I do?

The makeup department decided they would literally cut my little sister’s face with a scalpel, in three places, and put bandages over them.

But one thing she told me, the thing I did not know, the thing that makes me so angry I want to break things, actually managed to make the entire experience even worse than I remembered it.

There’s a scene after her chicken incident where I check up on her in her bedroom. She’s got cuts and bruises, and I guess we talk about it. I don’t remember and I can’t watch the movie because I’m terrified it will give me a PTSD flashback (I’ve had one of those and I recommend avoiding it). Here’s the thing about that scene: she has some cuts on her face, and those cuts are real. They are not makeup.

I’m going to repeat that. My nine-year-old little sister had actual cuts on her face that were placed there by an adult, on purpose.

The makeup department decided they would literally cut my little sister’s face with a scalpel, in three places, and put bandages over them. My sister told me our mother wasn’t in the makeup room when this happened — honestly, it seemed like our mother was strangely and conveniently absent when most of the really terrible things happened to us on the set — and when my sister told her what they’d done, she “lost her shit” at the production. She was pissed, I guess, which is appropriate and surprising. I wonder what would have to have happened for her to put us on a plane and get us home to safety? I mean, her son being abused daily didn’t do it, and her daughter being CUT IN THE FACE ON PURPOSE didn’t do it.

I just . . . I can’t. I can’t understand or comprehend allowing your own children to be physically and emotionally abused. They were literally selling my sister and me to these people, like we were some kind of commodity.

This was a tough conversation. My sister’s experience with our parents is very different from mine. My sister and I love each other. We’re close. I know it’s hard for her to hear that her brother, who she loves, was so abused by her parents, who she also loves. I was really grateful she made the time to talk to me about it, and grateful the experience wasn’t as horrible for her as it was for me.

As we were finishing our call, Amy also remembered one man, a young Italian named Luka, who was our driver for the movie. I haven’t thought about him in thirty years, but I can see his face now. He was kind, he was friendly, he taught us how to kick a soccer ball, and in the middle of an abusive, torturous experience, he stood out as a kind and gentle man. I mention him because she remembered him, which made me remember him, and goddammit I want at least one small part of this thing to not be awful.

The Curse remains one of the most consequential times the adults in my life failed to protect me. I’m 50. I still have nightmares.

Ultimately, as I predicted and feared, this piece of shit movie cashed me out of respectable films forever. I got offers for movies, but they were always mindless comedies or exploitative horror films. They were never the serious dramas I wanted to work in after Stand by Me. The industry looked at me and River, wondering if one or both of us would become a breakout star. They quickly saw that River was doing real acting work, and I was in this piece of shit. For River, Stand by Me was a beginning. For me, it would turn out to be pretty much everything, at least as far as film goes.

There are thousands of reasons film careers do and don’t take off. Maybe mine wouldn’t have taken off anyway. Clearly, it’s not where my life ended up, and I’m super okay with that now. But when all of this happened, it hurt and haunted me.

The Curse remains one of the most consequential times the adults in my life failed to protect me. I’m 50. I still have nightmares. Everything I need to know about who my parents are is wrapped up in that experience: the total lack of concern for my safety and happiness, treating me like an asset instead of a son, lying to me, manipulating me, and using me to get things they wanted, and then gaslighting me about it.

This annotation is the last thing I wrote before I turned this manuscript in, because opening these wounds is hard and painful. I put it off as long as I could, and I feel like I’m still holding back, because just this small glimpse of the experience has taken me a week to write. I can’t imagine trying to go back and unpack the whole thing. (Note that is not in the book: I’ve made an EMDR appointment to work on this because the nightmares have come back after the weekend).

Fuck The Curse, and fuck every single person who exploited and hurt two beautiful children to make it. You all participated in child abuse, and you all knew better. Shame on all of you. I hope this follows you to the end of your life. I hope that living with what you did to innocent children has been as hard for you as it has been for me, because you deserve no less.

[adventures-in-mangaland]

Dead Boy Detectives Fic Recs Part 8

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 Part 7

It's almost Christmas and I have a long train journey so have another fic rec list!

Ode to a Conversation Stuck in my Throat by Leandra

In which Charles is a terrible wingman and Edwin fucks. I love fic where Edwin explores his sexuality and gets to be confident and sexy and Charles gets hit with the old Feelings Realization and this one pulls it off so well!

to say that which cannot be said by sulfuric

Charles has a lot of feelings about Edwin and decides to say it with flowers. I absolutely love the language of flowers and, honestly, decoding messages through flower arrangements seems right up Edwin's alley. Plus he deserves nice things! This fic is super sweet, the floracle is amazing and I really like how Charles' knowledge/ intelligence and general thoughtfulness get to shine here.

The Petition by khorazir

The demons of Hell commiserate after Edwin's second escape and decide to Organize. This is glorious crack with some excellent Hell worldbuilding. Does Hell have unions?? I loved the Solidarity and demonic breakroom. And I'm always here for Edwin as the Scourge of Hell. Also has wonderful fanart!

still my heartbeat with your bare hands by laiqualaurelote

Beowulf AU! Charles is hired to kill a horrible monster. I loved this historical/fantasy setting and the little snippets of mythology. The blend of Charles-typical speech patterns, modern slang and Old English was especially fun. The Author's Note also has some really interesting background info and has finally persuaded me to actually read Beowulf.

Super Effective Against Ghost Types by RoseGanymede95

Charles and Niko bonding, my beloved! During the Case of the Two Dead Dragons, Charles interviews Niko about Brad and Hunter and Gets Reminded of his own terrible former friends... This is a Niko PoV fic and this author is fabulous at capturing her voice and bringing the feels. Also in play: a shared love of Pokémon, Charles' Mood Ring Shirt and do the girls know how the boys died?? Canon and Netflix robbed us of these two spending time together and I loved Niko being gentle with Charles as he gets hit in the face by his trauma.

Love like fools by CasiHuman

This is actually a compilation of the author's Dead Boy Detectives comics (@technically-human on tumblr). Every single one is a delight; the artist is one of my favourites of any fandom.

When you are gone away by ghostinthelibrary

On the way to rescuing Edwin from the Fae, Crystal tells Charles about all the previous times this has happened. This is the latest installment of the Ministry of Supernatural Investigations series bringing Edwin and Crystal's backstory to life. I can't get enough of this AU (supernatural secret agents, basically) and we're also treated to oblivious payneland AND oblivious palasaki.

Knockout by e_va

Edwin worries about mysterious injuries Charles refuses to explain. Despite references to domestic/intimate partner violence, this one is sweet and Edwin thirsting after Charles while he's fighting is so funny to me.

Its the love and grief that makes me whole by eunoise

One of Charles' killers comes to the agency for help after he himself is murdered. Apart from the deliciously dramatic irony of that premise, I enjoyed Charles (somewhat) processing his trauma and the client trying to (finally) do right by Charles. It's also set in the Codependency World Cup Extended Universe so Charles fraught relationship with his ex-bestie/crush Mark also gets spotlighted. Recommended!

Luna Moths by thegirlofthorns

Very cute fic about Edwin coming to understand his physical feelings for Charles. I loved the luna moths/butterflies imagery and Edwin being very Edwin about being in love. Just lovely characterisation all round.

It's part of a series also featuring Kiss Me & Repaint Me featuring Charles going all out on "fripperies" to make sure Edwin get the first time he deserves. Lovely.

practise your passion on me by junosbraindump

Niko persuades Edwin to go clubbing as part of a scheme to make Charles jealous. And guess who happens to be at the club?? Minor catwin and and the payneland is cute.

Show Me My Silver Lining by GoodFrith

Charles comes home early to find Edwin torturing himself. This one's sad and emotional and touches on grief, guilt and self-harm/destructiveness but Crystal and especially Charles are amazing friends and the hurt/comfort is excellent.

The Case of the Decade of Despair by Rizandace

In which Edwin and Charles broke up a decade pre-canon and Edwin still ends up in Hell. Sad and interesting concept featuring misunderstandings and supernatural meddling but an eventual happy ending.

A Steady Anchor in the Open Sea by Mayarenerose

Edwin wakes up in the office and doesn't know where he is. Listen, I'm weak for Temporary Amnesia, OK? And this one has an existential threat for some extra angst.

A Short History of Almost Something by dear_monday, two_ravens

Missing scene from the superb fic Wunderkammer that covers the Sex Pollen-esque Incident they Never Talk About... Intense and frustrating almost payneland.

Lucid Dream of Hands on Me by tragedy_machine

Edwin gets hit by a lust spell and refuses to let Charles help out... At first. Fuck or Die culminating in Sex With Feelings for the win!

In the Name of the Law by Hse11z5

(Regular) Police Detectives AU! DS Charles Rowland gets transferred to a precinct in the countryside just in time to join the hunt for Becky Aspen and develop a massive crush on his boss, DI Edwin Payne. Interesting to see the boys as living adults with responsibilities and workplace politics but essentially the same job? And I loved the boys getting to know each other in this one.

lovesick girls by ObsessedWithFandom

Palasaki fic! In which Niko and Crystal's first date does not go to plan... I love seeing cool, confident characters fumble with their crushes, so Crystal attempting to ask Niko out was adorable. But be warned! There's also a feels sneak attack and references to childhood neglect, but also Hurt/Comfort and sickfic.

I might do another Christmas themed rec list closer to the time if people are interested? You guys have been sharing festive fic at an impressive rate! ❤️🎄🎅🎁

@tumblerislovetumblerislife @avoiceofnerat @guardianspirits13 @shazziez @khorazir @tessaaaaa @tw0-ravens @nuttersinc @sameen-shawv @ghostinthelibrarywrites @whatthehorsedoicallthisblog @neurodivergent-fangirling @many-gay-magpies @dear-monday @extremely-eager-reader @atariakana @colourmornings @herebehunters @littlepocketuniverse @overlord-of-chaos @fairandfatalasfair @laiqualaurelote @every-moment-a-different-sound @bibliomancer7 @c-rowland @nobledragonflying @a-pale-jewel @tragedy-machine @acediscowlng

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

Need more positivity on my dash, so I wanna talk a bit more about how fucking amazing OFMD's writing for its characters of color is!

Now, I'm a professional historian (phd student 😔🤘🏾) and I read and watch a lot of historical fiction because I love it, right? And I have literally never seen a piece of historical fiction that is so respectful to its characters of color.

Usually, in works of historical fiction that actually bother to include characters of color, they fall into two big camps. The most common one is trauma porn, where poc only exist so White characters can save them, feel sorry about them, or so White audiences can pat themselves on the back for feeling sorry about them. Also popular are works that include characters of color but don't bother thinking about how race impacts their experiences in historical settings (shows like Bridgerton come to mind; they want to include poc but handwave racism). And in general I prefer the latter but it still takes me out of the story.

But OFMD hits just this amazing balance. There are many characters of color, and the racism of the world they live in impacts their experiences and perspectives in realistic ways. Ed remembering how his mom told him that fine things weren't meant for people like him has me by the fucking throat, it's so tied up in race and class and it's the root of so many of Ed's self-image issues into adulthood. But the real kicker for me - poc always get the last laugh in OFMD. Yes, the racism in this show is often very realistic, but this isn't a realistic show at its core and it is so, so comforting to know a character who starts acting like a racist dickhead is a dead man walking.

It's so carefully written, and for me it's such a huge comfort: race in OFMD is never hand-waved away, and it's thought-provoking and realistic and relatable. But the show always feels so safe because we know racism in the show is never excused. They tell us in the pilot that if you start being a racist asshole, someone's gonna stab you. Even Stede, our main character - when he makes a racist assumption in the second episode of the show, the narrative encourages us to call him out for it and has a character directly call him a fuckin' racist! He's held accountable and he fucking grows, because unlearning racist biases is important and he doesn't get a pass because he's the main character!

It's not just that OFMD has a lot of characters of color. It's not just that one of our main romantic leads is an indigenous Jewish man. It's not just that characters of color are consistently depicted as smart, clean, competent, and respected. It's that the show respects them enough to think about how racism realistically shapes the world of OFMD, while at the same time providing viewers with a wonderful fantasy of racists getting what they deserve. In the genre of historical fiction, it stands out because it completely avoids the trauma porn and hand-wavey angles, and I can't articulate strongly enough how much I appreciate that.

[mayasaurusss]

I want me some yandere adult lottie, with an innocent reader. Do whatever the fu<k you want with it bae

Old ghosts. Contents: mentions of abusive relationships, mentions of violence, horror moments, Yellowjackets coded, light romance, two OCC's, reader is gender neutral but wears a dress at one point, Lottie is as delusional as ever, open ending 350k wors/ about six pages. Author's note: So uhm, I don't think I've met any requirments you had, anon. I tried to do yandere Lottie in this but it really doesn't come across as it and I'm not familiar with the genre, so everything I did prior to this sucked. So I did something more akin to a murder mistery? But since I still wanted to make this yandere coded, I left the story as raw and ugly as I could. In my personal opinion this is very Yellowjackets coded. It isn't a very romantic oneshot nor smutty one, but I hope you will still like it!

It would be an understatement to say you had messed up. You could not even predict where this relationship would lead you.

You had met Lottie months ago, or well, you had come into contact with what you now knew was her 'cult'.

The marketplace had been very busy at that hour of the morning, vendors shouting and people chatting. However, you felt as lonely as ever. After many years, you have been dumped by your boyfriend. Or, he had cheated on you and blamed you for it. It was for the better, really. You were clingy and he had taken his anger out on you on multiple occasions, so at least now you weren't going to be his next punching bag. You had been miserable: not that you really loved him, after all, after the umpteenth hit -love or not-, an animal stops loving its master. But you had never managed to learn to live alone, yet alone care for yourself.

Other than that, you were battling with the understanding that you loved women more than men during your entire life. That realization had come during your relationship with Simon, and he had understood quickly. One night, you were invited to his friend's house. His girlfriend was so beautiful you were jaw slacked and shy with her for the whole night. Simon's friend hadn't noticed, but Simon did. The morning after, you had walked in your office with bruises under your suit, a black eye and a heavy heart. He was so bitter and awful that he had slept with many women the weeks after, and among them -as far as you knew- there was the woman from that night. At least you had dodged two bullets.

So, the woman who sold honey knew perfectly what to do with you. It wasn't her fault, really. People like her see someone that went through the same, and just want to help. She introduced herself as Olivia, a woman the same age as you, and when she saw your healing bruises, she had told you about where she lived. A compound, lost in nature and away from civilization. There, according to her, people lived in harmony with nature and with each other. They learnt to face their inner demons and past trauma under the care of Charlotte Matthews. Their caretaker. Olivia talked about Charlotte like a believer might have talked about their God, with such adoration that it left you breathless. And, a bit skeptical.

You had accepted Olivia's invite. One of Simon's many gifts, other than bruises and breaking your trust, was throwing you out of the house. Besides your friend's generous hospitality, you were basically homeless, and jobless after your boss had fired you just days prior to your break up. So, living at the compound didn't seem like a bad idea. Olivia had assured you that Lottie -that's what she called her- had a special program for whoever wasn't in the right economical situation to live at the compound, but still needed care.

You had started to travel that same afternoon, having packed the last of your belongings and bid farewell to your friend and family. To go to the compound, you had traveled on old streets that unraveled through barren outskirts and lush forests. There was no one else in sight. That made you even more scared than before. How could you just accept a stranger's invite to an isolated place in the mountains? You had truly lost your mind.

But Olivia was so nice with you, so friendly and lovely. She had no problems in telling you what made her arrive at the compound in the first place. Two years ago, when she was 19, her father and mother had fought and in a fit of rage, he had pushed her down the stairs, almost breaking her skull. Ever since then, she had been taken care of by her son, who did not have time to help nor give a fuck about Olivia. So, for a year, she had been alone. That was until Lottie had found her. With the exact same tactic you had been recruited -kidnapped?- she had come to live at the compound and with it, came to peace with her trauma.

Your story wasn't as grim as Olivia's, but you still needed to be taken care of. "That is what Lottie will do" she said, brown eyes on you and a smile that could kill on her lips.

The compound was on the foot of a mountain, surrounded by vegetation and overlooking a lake. When you set foot on the ground, the first thing you heard was a strange melody, a chant in the distance. Olivia had been quick to show you away from it, inside the main building where your belongings such as your phone and wallet had been taken from you. "Well, that's because our phones chain us from nature and healing" she had answered you, after you had asked her why they needed to take your phone at all. Great, so, you are in the middle of nowhere, without your phone close to you, surrounded by strangers and without a clear path back to civilization.

Great, just great. What has gotten into you?

"Wait here, I'll go get Lottie" Olivia said, seating you on a wicker chair in the waiting hall. You had noticed that everyone here wore the same purple outfits. Oh, this is definitely a cult. "Here she is!" you heard behind you, along with the steps of two pairs of feet. Fearing that you might have looked like an insensitive asshole, you stood up, waiting for Lottie to circle to your front.

You had expected her to look like a hippie: an old woman with short white hair, sunglasses indoors, long hoop earrings and who smelled like weed. Instead, you found yourself in front of the most beautiful woman ever. Lottie was tall, quite literally towering over you, her hair was long and black, the same color as her eyes, skin dark coloured. She looked really good for her age, every wrinkle she had was perfect on her skin.

Her velvety, deep and calm voice had greeted you, "Hi, I am Charlotte Matthews. You can call me Lottie. And who might you be?" you answered back with a trembling voice. She smiled at you with such care and love you thought you could combust on the spot. "I will show you around here" she told you, as her hand came to rest on your lower back, guiding you through the place.

The first months at the compound had been... calm. You shouldn't have expected anything more than that, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. You always wore purple -heliotrope- dresses or clothes, woke up at six am and went to sleep at ten pm. Everyday the cycle continued, so much so that you didn't at first notice the... signs, as you were completely immersed in your routine.

Whenever you started to hear chants in the distance, Olivia, who was ever present in your life, would lead you away from them. If you questioned her, she would just say "It's just a special therapy. You will see one day".

Lottie was always with you. Always. At first you didn't pay too much mind to it, thinking that since you were probably a mildly troubled individual, she would feel the need to have her eyes on you more than the others. But Olivia had had it worse, far worse than you, but she wasn't as followed as you were from Lottie. And you were certain others have had it worse than Olivia.

Lottie was always following you: whether that was during the many therapy sessions, the lunch or even your personal alone time in your personal cabin -which she had so graciously given you just three weeks after you became a member- where she would knock at the last hours of the day to have small talk with you. It had become such a nag for you that at one point, you even said it to her, clearly and plainly, "Lottie, look. I understand that I might be... weak, in any way. But I'm fine, I don't always need you".

You wished you hadn't said that, because her eyes had stopped reflecting all light, a dark look in them. "Ah, I see. Very well, I will leave you alone" she went away and didn't talk with you for a few days. All the time though, you felt eyes watching your back.

Everything comes boiling back to right now.

When Lottie had talked with you again it was in the late afternoon. She has just finished one of her communal meetings in the clearing overlooking the lake. She had walked over to you, took your hand and led you where no one could hear. "I want you to meet me this evening, to do something that will build our common trust in each other" she had gestured to a man you hadn't noticed before, prompting him to give you a white flowy dress. "Tonight, after dinner, come to me, here. I want you to wear this" she talked to you, taking your shoulders in her hands.

When the sky became purple, you had gone out, waiting for Lottie. The clearing seats had been moved, now just the yellow signs of the compound's symbol left. Lottie had moved from behind, greeting you with her velvety voice "Hello dear. Are you ready for our therapy?" she said, and her hand came up your face, stroking your cheek. "Uhm... Lottie... What are you doing?". Your cheeks felt hot with blood, voice weavering. You had battled with your small crush for Lottie for a while now, and even if you did find her attachment to you a bit too much, you still liked her. So much.

Lottie just smiled, her other hand rested on your hip before she let you go, walking over the lake's shore. You followed behind her like a dog, small and frail in comparison with the towering grace she was. "Come down here, come" her hands extended to you, helping you down the wood platform to the shore's sands. She gestured towards the dark waters, prompting you to follow her. When you did, she wordlessly placed your body into the lake, the water splashing at your hips. "It's... cold" her smile was enough to fend off the shivering of your body, but what she said next made you rethink her sanity.

"I want you to lower yourself in the water. We will calm your heart as well as our trust in one another" she said, attempting to push you in the water. "No! No, no, no. What if something happens?!" your voice straining over, before she replied calmly "Nothing will happen, because I am here".

And how could you say no to Lottie? So, you started to fall back in the darkness, the cold waters nipping at your skin making your breath shallow. All the while, she held your head and hand, gently guiding you.

There you were, at her mercy. You trusted her with your life and she had to be responsible for it. In her eyes, this was the most pure form of adoration. She adored you and you adored her.

The baptism was over.

When you resurfaced, she had quickly guided you back to land and had dried you with a towel promptly left on the sand. With her hands on your cheeks, then, Lottie had kissed you. So deeply and lovingly it made your heart ache. Her tongue found yours, overpowering you, cutting your breath away.

You were so distracted that you didn't hear the sound of movement behind Lottie. When her lips fell away from yours and you could look away, a shiver went down your spine.

Masks. A group of masked people stood before you. Some depicting bears, some birds, some wolves, some humans. All lined up, looking directly at you. "L-Lottie... what is this?" you didn't know why your first thought was that Lottie must've been behind it, but something screamed at you that this was indeed the case. "My love" she said, "you need to trust me. To let me cherish you. It's what It wants".

You backed away from her, your blood freezing in your veins. Someone, a man, stopped you in your tracks. He trapped your arms into his, uncaring of your trashing. "Let yourself be one with the Wilderness" Lottie said, no light behind her eyes. As if something possessed her. She pulls a knife from behind her, and for a split moment you think that Lottie will kill you, but the blade slashes across her fingertip. She draws a symbol on your forehead with her blood, trickles of it streaming down on your eyes.

"We hear the Wilderness and the Wilderness hears us" the chants rise in the air, filling the empty dark sky. Lottie's voice is louder than everyone else, and finally the voices die down, as hers is the last one still chanting. When she is done, her body turns to yours, and she utters a single word.

"Run".

You don't need to be told twice. You sprint in the forest, leaving wet trails behind you. The masked people follow you, searching, predicting where you will go, if you will hide. Lottie is the last one to join the hunt, her white dress engulfed by the forest's darkness.

It seems like the forest itself has a mind, trying to prevent you from running further away. Branches claw as your skin and dress, thorns planting in your flesh, wind blowing so you can't understand if the sounds you hear are the wind or howls.

You run, you run and run, until every bone of your body, every organ and every drop of blood screams at you to stop. And just as you were about to fall down in exhaustion, you see something in the dark. A house, one that looks like it had been left to time's mercy.

The walls are dirty and rotten, the white plaster almost unrecognizable under years of dirt. Your sixth sense tells you to get away, to search for another place, but there isn't anything else that could shelter you.

The air inside smells of old, wilted matter. It makes your stomach close and you try not to vomit, pinching your nose while you explore the rest of the house, searching for a hiding place until morning. Your plan was to hide and travel down to the nearest town, then, telling the authorities that up in the mountains, a cult was trying to sacrifice people to a made up entity. You wanted to hope that by doing so, you would help others to not follow your steps.

From the hall, you turned left towards the kitchen. It was empty, except for a table with scattered documents on it. Photos of an old soccer team, articles about the disappearance of a plane in the wilds of Canada, a symbol... The same one of the compounds. Bit by bit, you started to understand. In between the documents, some by psychologists and others by articles, you found a small diary. It was a brown leather diary, expensive from the looks of it. The pages were yellow and some started to rot away, but you could still make up the words written on them. The words were written with a tremulous hand: it seemed like whoever was the author, they must have written quickly, in fear of being found out.

'12th January, 1998. I hate it here. It's cold in the winter, and it makes me remember that place. I try to help the other patients, but the nurses forbid me from doing it. They told me to stop talking to It, and told me it isn't real. I know they are lying. It must be real, or all we did was for nothing. All the hurt was for nothing. It can't be. I know it's real. It hears me, I hear it'.

Something about this made you shiver. Could It be whatever Lottie was chanting to earlier? 1998... the plane crash happened in 1996; it couldn't be a coincidence. You take the diary and a couple of documents in your hand, before continuing to explore. Nothing seems out of the ordinary: the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom; everything is neatly placed. You spot a dark flight of stairs at the very back of the house. It doesn't look inviting at all, and you're almost ready to leave, when you hear something outside. Sounds of steps circling the house. The hair of your back rises up and every fear you had of the stairs is thrown out of the window.

As quietly as possible, you reach the second floor, listening for the sounds. The floor is far darker than the first one: so much so that you can't see anything. You wait a minute for your eyes to get used to the dark and then continue walking down the hall, towards what you assume is a bedroom. Just before you reach it, you hit a metal tube: it's a ladder, red and rusted and it leads you to the attic. You are about to get past it when you hear the front door of the house open: someone is inside.

Quickly you head up the ladder and in the dark attic. It's not all dark you realize, some lights shine in the middle of the room, circling...

An idol. An old idol made of old bones and burnt hay. The idol was planted in the wooden floor, its arms branches extending outwards, bent up as if it was deep in ecstasy. Its torso was made out with a large ribcage, so you suspected it to be of non-human origin; inside the organs were replaced with hay and fresh grass. Lifeless eyes stared back at you, antlers protruding from the back of the skull.

You feel someone's arms circle your stomach, placing their nose in the crook of your neck. "I knew you'd come here" her voice said, "It told me". Lottie holds you tight against herself, mumbling incoherently on your skin. "L-let go of me you witch!" you try to shove her away, propting Lottie to just let go of you: as such, you fall in the candle circle, spilled wax burning at your skin.

Lottie watches you with adoration and hunger. Upon your fall into the circle, her eyes lit up. She raises her arms up in the air -much like the idol itself- and towards you, in some sort of divine bliss. "Yes! Yes! It- It choose you!" she says out loud, "I'm so glad it was you!".

You trembled in both fear and anger, "How did- How did you know I was here?" you say, looking up at Lottie, shrouded by the darkness of the room. "It told me, of course" she says with an uncanny smile.

You're shocked by this new side of Lottie, and for a moment you forget what she had done to you. "You are crazy Lottie! You tried to kill me!" her eyes widen at your accusations, "Kill you? No, no, I didn't try to kill you... I just wanted to...". Your anger makes you uncaring of Lottie's emotions, so you lash out at her "Just wanted to what, Lottie?! Sacrifice me to your creepy god-thing?!".

It's like she's torn between the illusion of her god and the reality that she had scared you. "I thought- I thought you were going to kill me! I thought what we had for all these months was for nothing!", what she does next makes your skin crawl. She watches between you and the idol behind, her eyes filled with tears. "No I wan- I needed to know that It accepts you" she said, coming closer to your body.

Suddenly Lottie grabs your wrists with force, like she sees you but her ears are filled with whispers from old ghosts and gods. "And now, I know it does!" she almost looks delirious. Lottie shakes your wrists in her hands and cries; the black abyss of her eyes staring back at yours.

"Can't you understand? This is It's love, my love" you try to move from her grasp, but even in her old age, Lottie still proves to be as strong as she once was. "Y-You were hunted, weak, and you lived! You lived! And now It recognizes you as part of Itself" a connection is made in your brain.

Shivers run down your body, at the realization that either you aren't alone in this old attic, or you are alone with a roman and her ghosts. Either is terrifying. "What... what is It, Lottie?" but it's far too late to run from Lottie or the ghosts in her head. You are sure that either will haunt you anyway, if you manage to escape that is. She pauses, contemplating your words. "It..." she tries to put a name, a significance to whatever this It is, but she decides against it, instead opting to close her arms on you, one caging your body on hers and the other cradling the back of your head.

Her voice is lifeless while it whispers in your ear "It doesn't matter. You are one of us now". That last phrase confuses you, "I have... I have been here for months now. I was always one of you, no?" she shakes her head, cranes her neck to look down on you.

"No, one of us".

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Outbreak Pt 1 (LU in Healthcare)

(Content warning: This is likely to hit close to home for everyone as it's essentially a pandemic fic told from healthcare workers' POV. It's as mild as I can make it, with the boys dealing with their usually lives and stuff, since I don't want this to be a drawn out fic, but still. FYI.)

It started like a whisper.

One case. A new illness, a variant of a disease that had torn through Hyrule's military during the war, had popped up in the outskirts of the Gerudo Desert. Someone who had traveled there recently brought it to Castle Town. But it was just one case.

Everyone had been put on alert with emails from the health department, but no one had really thought much of it. Legend had seen plenty of scares in the past - just as recently as two years ago, there had been another stir like this over a far deadlier disease, and nothing had come of it.

But this new disease--officially named Respiratory Failure Influenza, colloquially called Arfy by healthcare workers, and unofficially called Yiga's Revenge by the public given its point of origin and how it was tearing cities in the desert apart--was starting to make an impact.

To the world at large, the media would not stop talking about Arfy and stirring up the public. Inside Hyrule General, though, the staff was pretty calm about it.

"Who names a disease Arfy, anyway?" one of Legend's coworkers chuckled.

Legend shrugged and stretched. "I've heard worse. At least it's not based after somebody's name - I hated memorizing all those names for diseases. Nowadays the naming scheme's much better - respiratory failure influenza makes it pretty straightforward to figure out what happens."

"Preach," a tech who was in nursing school grumbled.

Time walked by as they chatted, and Legend nodded in greeting, throwing out, "Whatever reason you're here for, it wasn't me, my patients are fine."

The trauma surgeon smirked. "I'm not here for your patients, no."

Legend bristled. "Look, this is my first night shift, I haven't been working insane hours."

Time outright cackled now. "I was consulted for someone else. Relax."

"Good," Legend huffed. "Anyway, did you hear there's a case of Arfy in town? I haven't seen them pop through here, though, think they got diagnosed at an urgent care clinic."

Time hummed thoughtfully, growing serious. "Hopefully it just stays one case."

"Eh," Legend shrugged again with a noncommittal sound. "The media stirs everyone up. This happened last time, and it was contained and never came here."

"Arfy's cousin nearly killed me during the war," Time noted gravely. "Don't underestimate it too much. The fact that it's a brand new strain, and the typical medications for its cousin don't work on it, isn't promising."

"Look, I'm not saying it isn't something to take seriously," Legend argued mildly. "But it's isolated to three cities in Gerudo Desert, and then the one guy who came here. The media makes it sound like the world's ending."

"They tend to do that," Time agreed, looking down the hallway. "But in either case... let's just hope it stays as one case."

Wild wandered over at that point with an empty stretcher, having just transported someone to the floor, and both men honed in on him. He looked pale and distracted, but he somehow still managed to notice their scrutiny.

Wild watched them silently, not seeming eager to speak. So Legend talked first. "You want to explain what happened earlier?"

Time glanced between the two, brow furrowing in confusion, and he silently observed the exchange. Wild seemed to grow colder, crossing his arms, but Legend wasn't going to back down.

When his friend remained silent, Wild pressed, "Rulie said it looked like you had another absence seizure when we were dealing with that heart attack patient. Tell me what's wrong. Now."

"I didn't have a seizure," Wild assured them as Time took a protective step towards him. "Look, I just..."

The young man sighed, shriveling into himself further.

"Link," Time said sternly. "I understand you have a lot of things in your past that you're trying to reconcile. But not telling us led to you going undiagnosed and getting into a wreck that almost killed you. What's wrong?"

"When I have absence seizures, sometimes I just zone out. But other times, I get hit with... I don't know, I feel like seizures don't give you memories, okay? I don't think it was a seizure. It was a trigger."

"Trigger?" Legend repeated. "You got PTSD?"

Wild blinked, thought about it, and shrugged while shaking his head. "Probably not. Sorry. Bad phrasing."

"You have said before that you don't remember much of the war and your past because you sustained serious injuries," Time supplied. "I know you did. I operated on you. Twice."

"Sorry," Wild mumbled sheepishly.

"Just tell us what's wrong," Legend insisted as gently as he could. "What set you off?"

Wild was silent for a long time, and Legend almost grew impatient. However, eventually, he finally said, "I... I know the guy. The one who you were taking to the cath lab. I knew him be-before. Please, I don't want to talk about it right now."

Time and Legend exchanged a look, and the surgeon shook his head. Legend sighed, backing off. "Okay. But you're okay? Like physically?"

"Yeah," Wild answered, voice growing raw. Legend watched him worriedly.

"You know, you can talk to us," the nurse tried to say, but Wild shook his head.

"I don't want to talk about it," he repeated.

Time nodded, putting a hand on the young man's shoulder. "When you're comfortable, we're all here for you, okay?"

Wild stared at Time for too long, eyes watering, and he cleared his throat, nodding and walking away.

Legend bit his lip, swallowed, and looked back at Time. The surgeon was still watching Wild go down the hall. A call bell light went off, as well as a cautionary alarm on the monitors, and the nurse had to return to work, brain filled with too many thoughts and worries.

Time found himself far more nostalgic than he needed to be. Wild's words about his past, about the war, and this new virus that was kin to the one that had almost killed the surgeon were mixing together. He sighed, shaking his head. This all just needed to resolve.

He would keep an eye on Wild. That was the bigger issue than anything else.

It started like a whisper. But the roar of their pasts was coming for them, haunting and rumbling and demanding everyone’s attention.

[buggitino]

more headcanons about sebastian solace from the hit game pressure roblox

back on my bullshit and i promise i only talk about The Situation a little bit

☆ his third arm is more sensitive than the other two (i'm thinking that either the USHD doctors fucked something up during the operation OR it grew in wrong, nerve endings closer to the epidermis and whatnot, something like that)

☆ just hates being touched in general, he’d rather initiate that contact (need an update where he gently —> not very gently shakes expendables off (depending on whether and how much they’ve annoyed/flashbanged him) when they climb him) ☆☆ part of this is due to trauma, he cant trust anyone to touch him without hurting him ☆☆ the other part is that he’s got that fucking dawg in him (i’ll get to this in a second)

☆ unlike what his new voice lines are starting to suggest about his character (i’m not gonna talk about zerum again because i think everyone knows what's happening at this point and ive already thrown in my two cents) he does NOT hate the expendables. literally his first line upon meeting him in his shop has him calling himself your friend (as strained of a connection as it may be, he could very easily not offer items, not share documentation/info, and just take the expendables data and hoard anything he picks up to make it harder for them to get to the crystal) (like yes, it's a mutually beneficial relationship but if sebastian didn't care about or sympathize with the expendables to some extent, it wouldn't be). i really do think he just has a short fuse (i'm not going to bring up trauma again, however-) and says things he doesn't mean (e.g. “they deserved it. and frankly so do the rest of you.” (im coping with the mischaracterization of these new lines leave me alone)) as a means of protecting himself and pushing the expendables further away (both physically and emotionally)

☆ he’ll act like a brat once they’re done, but he lets younger expendables sleep in his shop (he cares about them but would never in a million years let them know that) ☆☆ if a younger one comes in with a bunch of adult expendables, he’ll treat them all the same but will secretly slip the younger one some extra batteries, gauze, something unnoticeable (he feels especially responsible for the younger male expendables cause they remind him of his little brother)

☆ sometimes he thinks he can hear his family's voices on the radio, just under all the static, calling out for him like a search party would. he used to cry over this but he almost got caught once by an expendable coming into the shop so he does his best to tune it out. it’s hard. guilt pulls at his stomach every time he hears a clip of his family, begging for him to come home, to respond, something, anything, and he ignores it.

☆ autism (cause i said so) - i'm including this one for the sole reason that he does the dinosaur thing with his third arm and generally keeps his hands clasped together in the secret dinosaur position (he just like me fr) ☆☆ hates bright lights (the only light he uses/allows in his shop is the one he emits) (its a very soft/warm hue as opposed to the bright fluorescents throughout the rest of the facility) (not to bring up the flash beacon, obviously nobody likes getting flashbanged and he's got angler eyes but sTILL)

☆ he used to hate eating fish (pre-op) and now he’s pissed cause it’s all he has available and the DNA changes made it so fish is the yummiest tastiest thing in the world (i like imagining him actively fighting the urge to eat whatever fish he’s cooked in one bite cause he refuses to acknowledge that he's changed on a level that isn't physical/appearance-based)

☆ calls grown adults “kiddo” (even the ones that are older than him) ☆☆ he gets a certain kind of joy from seeing the 40/50/60 year old expendables try to figure out just how old he is after they get called “kiddo”. it’s extra fun for him when they’ve clearly already heard the rumors and/or gotten a glimpse of his file

☆ the ring is just an accessory, a bracelet on the floor or in a locker he found and liked. assumed nobody was gonna claim it and kept it (shoutout to @/lotus.eaterr on tik tok for this one!!!!)

[mrmistakemakeroywg]

how i see "The helper" episode . (i have diagnosed adhd and autism fyi: everyone is different so take what i say with that context <3 not all autistic people are like me so please understand this is more based on my experience personally)

Really weird post i know but hear me out. When i watch "The helper " i immediatly think about having meltdowns as a little kid or just any age in general wether online or irl.

^ Like if you`re looking at it like i am, you can understand why id say it feels like hes having a meltdown / breakdown because something that makes sense to him most of the time, now makes no sense at all to him / freaks him out |

| (Being unable to help people because they do not need his help which he is not used to , thus making him react way worse then most people would sense it is something very special to him Like how people will have specific special intrests or hyperfixations etc) personally i freak out and get meltdowns when my pc is broken or needs fixed and i cannot draw whatsoever for long peroids of time. )

and how you / i would immediatly feel ashamed , nervous and guilty afterwards , or just generally exhausted or depending on the person feel like a burden on the people around you.

(also for this next part yes i know this is implied to be sylvia`s idea but it still makes me wanna tear up because it hits home way too hard) and other people will immediatly treat you as a "trouble maker" that has to be dealt with , punished or pushed aside even tho its something you cant help and sometimes cant even understand .

the dialogue espeically is a gut punch for me.

"ohh.. So this is the guy you want out of town "

" i get it " he`s hurt , and ashamed of himself. and its probably a stretch but i feel like this has happened before because of how he says " i get it . " then he tries to turn it into a positive as per usual to his character writing , thats how much he loves helping people.

its his special intrest / hyperfixation <3333 so of course he can try to turn it into something fun . and the rest of the episode goes on as he Does what they asked him to. and they immediately reward him for throwing himself out of their way .

(this genuinely makes me so mad i`m sorry fuck those towns people man you could`ve just talked to him instead GRAHHHH) and how he gets super happy after FINALLY pleasing them.

hes so silly :33

also this last bit makes me angry a little

"son"

"thanks" ( im going to eat your soul stfu /halfjoke )

"happy i could help!! "

"that makes two of us " (BONUS) ALSO I WANT TO MENTION the scene where he tries to " stop " lord hater. I feel like this is him being pushed to his absolute limit to a point he tried to do something very out of character just for the comfort and relief of "doing something good" like hes reverting to the basics of "being a good guy " just to get that comfort of helping someone again.

it reminds me of that Version of himself in "the wanders" where the piece of himself that holds his trauma / what made him want to help everyone is still not inside of him yet, and he goes on a rant about how he is going to stop lord hater

"wander are you okay ?? " "im MORE then okay "

"IMMMM PERFECT !"

"Now come trusty steed , its time to stop that HEARTLESS evil doer LORD HATER ONCE AND FOR ALL !! "

"wait what-" "stop ?"

"YES! i am a good guy , and he is a bad guy. " "AND I STOP HIM ! "

------------------- HELPPPPP.... seriously tho sorry for the long rant about this episode but it genuinely hit home so hard that i have cried multipule times unironicly because of it. Reminder that im veiwing this through my own experience of growing up on the spectrum (adhd + autism specifically) not everyone on the spectrum will be the same as me when it comes to this episode. I had to get this out of my system because it was eating at my brain sorry yall 💔💔💔

if i made any typos or worded anything weird its becuase its harder for me to write long posts plus as of writing its 01:17 on my computor clock.

[lurkingshan]

Hii, hope you're doing well!! I've been meaning to check out more c-dramas. I've never really watched any, but I keep seeing them on my dash and want to start giving some a shot since I watch every other type of drama (BL or otherwise lol). I saw you post often about c-dramas, so I wanted to ask if you had any other recs besides Tender Light (which I'm planning on watching when it's done)? I'm more curious about c-dramas in general rather than any specific genre, since I'm so new to them

Hello, thank you for the ask! I'm glad my obsessive Tender Light posting has got you curious about cdramas. Some of my all time favorite dramas are from Mainland China, and I would be happy to share some recs! Since you are looking for a general sense, I am just going to give you a sampling of some of my personal favs.

Tender Light

Obviously I will be taking this opportunity to talk up this drama some more, which will be ending its run this weekend. This is, hands down, my favorite drama of the year and easily going on my top 10 dramas of all time list. It's one of the most gorgeous and precise and unflinching pieces of media I have ever seen. This is definitely one for people who love smart mystery writing, dark themes (I mean this for real, if you have a lot of triggers ask for CWs), and explorations of the human condition. It will be staying with me for a long time.

Go Ahead

Another of my all time favs (and with cast crossover from Tender Light), this is a family drama that digs deep on the meaning of family, finding your people, and resilience through intergenerational trauma. I love it so so much (I am actually rewatching it right now).

Lighter & Princess

A fantastic romance and owner of a coveted spot on the ride or die drama couples list. In this story you get to watch these two fall in love twice, first in college and then as adults, and both times it's epic.

Reset

How about a time loop thriller? This is one of the best I have ever seen, and its relatively short run keeps it tight and tense all the way through. There's a romance in this one, too, but kissing is definitely secondary to finding their way out of this death trap.

The Rebel Princess

Let's dip our toe into historicals! Granted, I still have plenty of gaps in my historical cdrama watch list (there are just so many and they're so long, I am doing my best people!) but this remains my all time favorite to date. It's epic, it's shockingly well written and paced for its length, the characters are excellent and compelling all around, and it has one of my all time favorite male leads and drama couples (another from the ride or die list!). Don't let the episode number intimidate you, it will fly by much faster than you think.

The Untamed

You watch bl so I am assuming you already know about Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, but just in case I will also include this drama as a much watch. It's likely the best live action danmei we will ever get.

Love Between Fairy and Devil

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a show put all your favorite fanfic tropes in a blender, cast beautiful people to act them out, and put them in lavish costumes? Well, here is your answer.

Love and Redemption

This one's for us angst with a happy ending girlies. An epic love story with lots of pining and struggle and strife, and it's so worth it.

Falling Into You

Back to the modern era, this is a classic sports drama with a noona romance. Very unassuming but full of charm and very well executed.

Fake It Till You Make It

An unusually mature take on adult romance from a cdrama, this one is about two career focused permasingle love skeptics who meet, realize they actually like each other, and try to figure out what the hell to do with that. I love it a lot.

That should be enough to get you started! There are many many more recs to be had, so once you give some of these a try and figure out what you like, feel free to hit me up for more!

[deanbrainrotwritings]

—  HAND OF BLOOD

SUMMARY : “Hey can i request one where the reader is Dean Winchester wife and she just found that she is whatever supernatural creature and him just cuddling with her and help her using her new powers?? something fluff and cute” - anon

PAIRING : dean winchester x powered!reader (f.)

CHARACTERS :  unnamed villain, sam winchester, castiel

WARNINGS/TAGS : fluff, angst, comfort, trauma

WORD COUNT : 1.0k

A/N : bullet for my valentine song title. trying some new ways of writing bc university sucks, anyway, you can imagine the reader to be whatever magical/super-powered being from the show, I didn’t specify x

“Stop holding back, you could… you know… do something for me and I will let you go, alive,” the dark voice of the monster before you made a shiver run up your spine. Your stomach churned nervously, but you gave in anyway.

“Do what?” You sobbed, tugging helplessly at the chains around tour wrist.

You felt a warm breath by your cheek and you inhaled sharply, your body instantly tightened with stress.

“A little bit of magic,” the words brushed against your ear and neck. And you didn’t think you could shiver any harder than you already were, but your body shook with a shudder and your muscles clenched tighter, somehow.

“I can’t do magic,” you whispered with defeat, trying not to cry when a hand squeezed around your throat. “I’m not a witch,” you struggled to breathe through the tight grip.

Whatever the thing was that held you captive, squeezed your throat so tight you could feel your frantic heart beat against its palm. Then, the grip loosened with a frustrated growl, an impatient sound, desperate.

“But you are something,” it insisted through clenched teeth, “something very powerful.”

“I’ve never even… I think you’ve got the wrong person,” you argued weakly. Your body slowly relaxed and you accepted whatever your fate was.

You didn’t bother letting your eyes fall shut, you didn’t bother trying to squint and making something out of your surroundings. The pitch black room revealed nothing to you. All you could smell was dank air and dirt, hear the echo of yours and your captor’s breath against concrete walls and floor. The occasionally clink of the metal that bound you to the floor, the rustle of leaves with the shuffle of feet.

“I don’t have the wrong person. I think you’ve been holding back,” the voice grinned and two hands pressed against either side of your temples. “Why don’t we go back to the biggest hits? To all those times you’ve felt powerless?”

“You know… this doesn’t change the way I see you,” Dean promised, kissing your forehead. He absentmindedly played with a strand of your hair and kissed your cheek when you sniffled.

“I can’t… what if I can’t control it?” You whispered, wiping away tears with your sleeve as they flowed from your eyes with no end in sight.

“Hey, you’re such a control freak, I doubt you’ll let your powers beat you,” Dean grinned in attempts to cheer you up, but you were barely able to muster up a smile. You generally found Dean hilarious, something he knew well enough to find a way to cheer you up easily. Even when you had no idea what he was saying, he always made you laugh. It was always that dorky, boyish grin of his that made you crack up.

Dean shimmied down on the bed so he could face you. He sighed and gave you a weak smile. You were embarrassed of your wet eyes and swollen lips, but you knew Dean wasn’t judging you, and that’s why letting yourself fall apart was always so easy to do when you were with him.

“We’ve gone through worse and we’ve come out pretty damn alright.” His hand landed gently on your flushed, hot cheek. You finally looked into his gentle eyes, through watery vision and sticky lashes he still looked beautiful. “I promise that I will help you in any way that I can, sweetheart. So will, Sam. And so will Cas. We’re a family, you’re not gunna do this alone. Okay?”

Dean waited for you to nod. You almost couldn’t breath with the way he looked at you. With his soft green eyes glowing with determination, and kindness, and empathy. It hurt so much that you just nodded, and buried your face in his chest so that all the emotions in his eyes wouldn’t get to you and make you break down again.

He held you close to him and chuckled softly. He pressed his lips to the top of your head and soothingly rubbed your back while you clung to the warm layers on his body.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Dean gasped out a laugh, hunching over with his hands on his knees. “You’re not dangerous at all, you just suck at this. So… don’t be nervous.”

You glared at Dean as he struggled to breathe and wheezed out another laugh. Sam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with one arm crossed over his firm chest. Even Cas seemed irritated with Dean; he rolled his eyes and let his hands slap against his thighs in defeat, his powers slowly fading.

“This isn’t easy and you’re doing great,” Sam encouraged you and squeezed your shoulder reassuringly when he made his way across to you. “Cas, again,” he tipped his head towards you and returned next to Dean to elbow him in his ribs.

Dean squirmed and wiped tears of laughter from his eyes, his eyes shimmering with flirtatiousness when they opened back up to you and the glare you sent his way. He wiggled his brows and smacked his tongue above the roof of his mouth, and you couldn’t resist the tiny smile from growing on your face. Or the blush that began to heat up your face, the skipped beat of you once fearful heart, the clench of your stomach. Yup, Dean still had it.

“Try to… um, just don’t hit us… well, you can hit Dean,” Sam snickered, ignoring the glare Dean shot at him. You grinned when Dean glanced back at you and you picked yourself. He sneaked behind Sam to hide from you and the way you unfortunately sucked at using your abilities. Most of your anxiousness disappeared, and Cas smiled reassuringly when he powered up.

You didn’t think things could be any better, all things considered. New powers, new you. But most importantly, your relationship with Dean, Sam, and Cas seemed to get better in the past seven months, like this one bad thing that happened to you didn’t get between you… instead, it wove the four of you together, and squeezed tight like a knitted blanket. Despite the fear, the anxiety, the uncertainty of what you were now, you felt warm, safe, and secure. With the people you call your family.

You had Dean to thank for that. And everyone else’s for falling into your life so perfectly.

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[livwritesstuff]

heyo! loving the steddie dads. was wondering if either of them suffer from nightmares or ptsd after everything they've been through? and how they might deal with that on a day-to-day/anniversary basis.

Hi friend -- took some time on this one because this is a Topic for me.

Short answer – yes, 100%. I don’t think any person on the planet could experience that kind of thing and not come out of it with some serious issues to work through. 

Longer answer, and not to abuse my psych degree, but it’s really tough to say how they would be affected 10, 20, 30, etc. years down the line because PTSD and trauma are both so unbelievably complex – for many reasons, but in part because PTSD can do two things (sort of) simultaneously.

Wane over time

Completely and permanently alter the “wires” (neural pathways) in your brain

I think that there’s sometimes this perception in the ST fandom that every character in the show who experienced a trauma would have PTSD by default, but that might not necessarily be true. Stats actually show that the majority of people who experience trauma in some capacity will in fact not display PTSD symptoms. I think Mike and Dustin at the onset of season 2 are a fantastic example of how two people can go through the same events together and come out of it affected very differently.

(Sidebar: I think Stranger Things has a fantastic opportunity to show how varied the effects of trauma can be. Granted, I don’t think that’s the story they’re telling, but they totally could.)

Experiencing a traumatic event is not necessarily a one-way ticket to PTSD symptoms and/or a PTSD diagnosis – to be clear, this doesn’t mean that there are not lasting negative effects from that traumatic event, but it is still distinctly different from PTSD (in its official definition) – and right now it’s not clear why this is the case. 

I have individual thoughts about each character as it relates to what they specifically experience and how I think they would be affected by it long and short-term, HOWEVER I also recognize that I haven’t answered your actual question, so I digress.

Rather than dive into whether or not I think Steve and/or Eddie have PTSD, we’re just gonna call it capital-T Trauma and move along. You’re welcome.

Anyways, by the time Steve and Eddie (as they exist in this ‘verse) are in their fifties, I doubt that any residual effects of their Trauma would still be anywhere near debilitating. Generally speaking, they can go about their day-to-day lives without thinking about what they went through all that much.

I do think that those effects may temporarily worsen around anniversaries, but even that really isn’t all that noticeable by the time they hit the 2020s.

They’ll still occasionally have nightmares and I don’t think Steve ever fully lets himself believe that it’s truly done in a way that Eddie doesn’t relate to because he never had to experience what it’s like for it all to come back.

(Small potatoes, but I also don’t think Steve could ever own a dog no matter how much his daughters campaigned for a puppy when they were in elementary school).

I think the Trauma that Steve experienced shows itself in his adulthood when it comes down to raising kids. 

I’ve talked before about how Steve has a moment when Moe turns ten where it kind of clicks for the first time just how young Erica had been when he allowed her to get caught up in everything. He hadn’t been able to see it until he was a fully-fledged adult raising a ten-year-old, but he gets really hung up on it, and then he spends the next few years being like – Moe’s eleven, that’s how old Eleven was when she broke out of the lab; she’s twelve, that’s how old Will was when he got stuck in the Upside Down; she’s thirteen, that’s how old Dustin was when he almost got eaten by demobats in those tunnels. 

Then the girls start hitting their high school years and Steve starts realizing – oh, it wasn’t just the younger ones. I was also a kid still and put in a really fucked up position. It’s the thing that makes him truly see how few adults he had in his corner.

Eddie has a similar moment when Moe graduates high school and he realizes that his oldest daughter is as old as Chrissy ever got to be.

That being said I also don’t think Eddie gets as torn up over Chrissy as the popular opinion suggests but i’m a little afraid to voice that one lol

I definitely think Eddie and Steve never let themselves forget how Max, Chrissy, Patrick, etc. were vulnerable to Vecna’s curse because of a very specific circumstance – they were grappling with something internally that they didn’t feel they had the resources or people they trusted enough to address outwardly. Sure, they know that their kids aren’t at risk of being possessed and murdered by an evil monster, but the notion of bad things happening when people don’t have the support that they need is a very real phenomenon with very real consequences. By no means was that exclusive to Hawkins and it certainly didn’t go away with the Upside Down. 

I think that this becomes the crux of Steve and Eddie’s mentality behind parenthood – to make sure that their kids never feel like they can’t go to their dads for support, to never allow their children to be in a position where they have to suffer in silence. That, to me, is absolutely rooted in the parts of their Trauma that re-wired their brains irreparably.

Anyhooooo this is really just the tip of the iceberg imo but this is long enough already lol (but if anyone wants to hear more about the Stranger Things-Trauma paradigm, let me know because I could probably talk about it for hours).

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hey quil, I trust your book taste, can you give me some reccs perchance? I’m not picky, whatever your faves are

of course! you'll have seen some of these before in my dragon recs list, but I'll throw in some other ones too :)

A Chorus of Dragons by Jenn Lyons; My favorite book series of all time. I can't tell you what it's about because discovering that is part of the plot. Genuinely changed how I think about fantasy and writing. This post goes into a tiny bit more detail but I cannot stress enough it only covers like 2% of the story it makes me FERAL you just need to trust me and stick it out through the confusion (trigger warnings)

Babel: Or the Necessity of Violence: An Arcane History of the Oxford Translators' Revolution by RF Kuang; young Robin is taken from his home in Canton to England when his family dies, his knowledge of Cantonese invaluable in a world where language, via silver bars, can literally become magic. The British Empire is working to collect all it can for its own gain, but as Robin grows up and learns more of how the world works, how it wants to use him, the more he finds it shouldn't be this way. A beautiful story on loss, oppression, imperialism, injustice, and language's role in identity. I cried.

The Memoirs of Lady Trent by Marie Brennan; Isabella, now an old woman, recounts how she became the most renowned dragon naturalist in the world--overcoming misogyny, maneuvering through politics, and more. Follow her from childhood to present day around the world, studying dragons in the field. This story has wonderful characters, critiques the "not like other girls" trope, has beautiful relationships (including platonic!), a lot of action and intrigue alongside the fascinating science, animalistic dragons, and!! SO many pictures! the artwork it's seriously incredible. Love this series

The Bone Houses by Emily Lloyd Jones; around Colbren, the dead don't stay dead. Ryn, a young gravedigger, agrees to take the mysterious visiting mapmaker, Ellis, to the abandoned castle, because she needs the money to support her two siblings and in hopes of stopping the worsening curse. Ellis, found near the woods as a babe, hopes to find some remnant or clue to who his family was, who he was. together, they must face the walking dead, find the abandoned castell where this all started, find the answers, and find themselves. I adored it's tone, characters, how it handled death and grief, everything. it reads like a fairytale in the best way

The Martian by Andy Weir; Mark Wattney's an astronaut on Mars when a storm hits, forcing the mission to return to earth prematurely--but he doesn't make it to the shuttle in time, they presume him dead, and leave devastated. now alone on Mars, Wattney's got to figure out how to survive--and how to get in contact with earth and let them know, hey, uh, I'm still here guys. one of my favorite hard sci-fi books of all time. Wattney is such an entertaining, intelligent guy; he'll have you laughing, then on the edge of your seat as Mars tries its best to kill him. this one also comes with a movie :)

Legendborn by Tracy Deonn; Bree's in an early-college program, grappling with the very recent death of her mother. when she stumbles into creatures that shouldn't exist, magic, it starts to look like her mom's death might not have been an accident. she finds a secret society of the descendants of king arthur + the round table, inheriting their powers to defend the world from a different plane--and Bree needs to find out what they know. but getting in is difficult as a Black girl, especially when their guard dog is convinced she's a demon. a beautiful story on grief, Black generational trauma, racism, identity, and more. we're eagerly awaiting book three this spring <3

The Locked Tomb by Tamsyn Muir; of course I had to include this one--tonally similar to ACOD in that you WILL be confused <3. The Emperor Undying needs necromancers; Gideon doesn't give a shit, but the girl she's been raised alongside, Harrowhark, the heir of the house on their far away planet, doesn't give a shit that Gideon doesn't give a shit. She contracts Gideon to serve as her guard, her cavalier, as Harrowhark travels to the Emperor's planet to compete to become one of his right hands. Except as the competition progresses, something's...wrong. fatally, lethally wrong. people keep turning up dead, and if they don't figure this out, they could be next.

I'll stop there, but I hope you find something you like on that list! If you (or anyone else) have any more specific requests or guidelines for recs, feel free to send them :)

[koiifiishy]

back with more eris doodlings :-) ! and more under the cut

i've decided that if he had a title like the named npcs, he'd be Eris The Defiant. also decided that if he were a npc LI with a toggable gender changer, he'd look pretty much the same as a girl just with a few cups up in the chest dept. lol - he's also still be trans, so you either get transmasc or transfemme eris, there is no cis option.

going off of this post for heights! (too lazy to draw an entirely new img - just scribbled over the height comparison models -w-) a full line up + eris amongst the taller LI's (...of whom he's already met / has interacted with in game thus far!). he's just one inch smaller than kylar haha, which im sure kylar would love. avery with eris though is LOL (stares at the other three on that height list......... that height diff... hes getting FOLDED. . .)

this chart is very messy so bear with me & the yellow i used is hard to read so ill type it out too!

Robin

mutual besties. they're basically brothers! except that robin left his confession note for eris and eris is uh.. willfully ignoring it,,, sorry robin he's not gonna take you up on that (yet lol)

img text: "if anything happens to robin (again) i'll kill everyone in this town and then myself"

Sydney

what is it about this unassuming churchboy that calls to eris... he doesnt know,, but sydney makes him happy 🥺!!

unintentionally uuuh reduing sydney's purity by being horny at him. theyre promised ok?! its fine right?!? especially bc of the fucking SLOW BURN they went through omg...

img text: "he makes this shit town bearable. BF" sydnet img text: "really adores and admires him. BF"

Kylar

um. well. your honor, he's just misunderstood..! eris kinda feeds into kylar's IssuesTM by not dissuading him. he just feels kinda sorry for him,,! this opinion Will change if/when kylar finally gets his greasy little paws on eris

he 100% realizes kylar is unhinged and the plushie gift was probs bugged somehow. still accepted it but like... he's hardly home anyway so w/e. still holds onto hope kylar can change(???)

img text: "haha. i'm in danger :^)" kylar's img text: "HAVE MY FUCKING BABIES" lol

Whitney

literally beat the shit out of each other every time they were in close proximity for like a month, until whitney's dominance meter dropped a lot. he confuses eris... does he like. have a crush and is acting like an elementary kid about it??? use your words damnit!

despite it all... doesnt hate him. eris feels like theyre probably a lot more similar than whitney's letting him (or anyone) see. sydney's mention of whitney having things going on to make him act like a little shit stuck with eris. . .

img text: "stop giving mixed messages whitney!"

Avery

the most cut and dry of them: it's just a transactional sugar relationship. except the part about the elk/fox bullshit? hello?? mr avery??? WHAT WAS THAT AVERY--?????

eris really doesnt trust avery,,, but he pays him a LOT & eris has two whole debts to pay off;; avery is only allowed to hit it from the back. . . (thanks temple for not counting that as sex ig lol!)

im iffy on the designs ive drawn for them too, i mostly have been going off of what i see the general fandom draws! theres a lot of really nice designs :> im being mindful not to fully copy anyone tho.

i also went insane and made eris a playlist - it has a lot of metal/loud songs jsyk! remains of us was specifically put on the playlist for sydney 🥹 just recently had my first run in with the ivory wraith too =D AH. TRAUMAS OBTAINED!!! very much eris' top trauma event so far!! he's resilient... so he's on the road to recovery but boy was that RUFF. robin and sydney came in super clutch with comforting him tho :")

one last thing for you all:

eris core lol

[svtellify]

kotlc: unraveled review [SPOILER WARNING]

keeper of the lost cities 9.5: unraveled by shannon messenger ★★★☆☆ *parts of the review were taken directly from my goodreads review of the book!

“I tried,” he told the empty room, wishing it made him feel like less of a failure.”

see, if you told me a year ago i'd sympathize with alvar and not mind reading about him, i'd assume you were trying to start a fight.

that being said: this wasn't a necessary book for the series. is it going to provide some helpful context going into book 10? sure. definitely. would it have also been better served as part of a post series anthology of short stories (see: keefe short story, fitz short story, tam short pov) that didn't quite fit into the series elsewhere? yeah. was it a cute short novel about my favorite character that expanded on a lot of what i've been waiting to see explored? also yeah.

before i continue, i want to add that i'm not the target audience of this series, not by a long shot. i was ten when i picked up the series in sixth grade, when only the first three books were out and had to suffer the wait for neverseen. i'm twenty one, and will have finished my master's degree before book ten comes out. i'd like to think i've grown up with the series, but i know that also means outgrowing the majority of the fanbase, since this is a kid's series. i hope the kids reading this can still find some value in my words though!

i'd argue that unraveled shoots itself in the foot a bit in terms of the series as a whole. kotlc is best told through sophie's perspective, because it's limited and lets us see the lost cities through the pov of someone else who's also equally new to it. unraveled breaks up that rhythm and lets us see our own world through keefe's eyes, as someone unfamiliar with it. it works, and it doesn't.

what unraveled does best, however, is drive home that while kotlc is told from sophie's perspective, it's very much more than just her story. keefe has equal stake in it, at this point, and it's only inevitable that they'll share custody of the rest of the story because of what's to come next. it's a story about the lost cities, about the change that needs to happen there, even in a species that's effectively immortal. a change that we've slowly witnessed two warring groups attempt to bring about.

(it's rather fitting given current political events, but i digress. kotlc is not a modern day political commentary, and i stand by it. the series took shape in the early 2010s and has meandered its way through the 2020s. it's applicable, but not intentional, if that makes sense.)

i loved that shannon tackled keefe's abuse directly, along with his trust issues and myriad of trauma. it's been building up and needed to be addressed so i'm glad we were able to see that.

it's also evident in unraveled that shannon's ready for something a little more mature (unlike let the sky fall.) writing-wise, and like jjk before it, i'm curious to see what kotlc would've looked like as a YA book with more room to explore it's darker themes. she does a great job with it as a middle grade series, but there's tones throughout unraveled that show better writing, so i look forward to book 10 and whatever her next project will be!

onto the annotations!

i have been waiting for someone to talk about this. and while i'm not like. alvar's number one fan now or anything, i think he was kind of the perfect person to talk about this. he's directly responsible for some of this, starting with trying to recruit keefe on numerous occasions and the role he played in keefe's involvement with the neverseen.

he's also fitz's brother. fitz, who's been a general disappoint at best to cruel at worst when it comes to keefe and his mom and his familial abuse. alvar might not understand all of it, but i'd like to think that he gave keefe a bit of closure on the vacker-keefe front. and on keefe's general guilt.

this is here purely because it hit like a gut punch. it's so simply written but i think we all need to hear it sometimes.

keefe being down bad for sophie is the funniest thing ever actually, but this is written so cutely ;(

a south indian dish name drop in a kotlc was not on my radar. i love it though?

it's a short book, there's not much more i think needs to be mentioned. it's good, nothing mind blowing, and the characters shine when shannon doesn't have to juggle the whole ensemble and then some. it did what it needed to⎯fill in some gaps that the cast expansion got in the way of and draw us back in for book 10. and it worked.

i wasn't particularly looking forward to this or dreading it⎯i've been too busy for either lately, but there's something very special about reading from a series you've grown up with, something so heartwarming about finding magic in a book series that wasn't necessarily written for your age group.

i don't want to make this too long, so i'll just say: i'm looking forward to book 10! i'll be well in the middle of med school secondaries and hopefully interviews by then, but it's a lovely reprieve to anticipate.

3.5 stars.

(also wanted to drop the kotlc playlist here for anyone interested in a series reread. catch me rereading the series when i'm out of the trenches of finals 🫡)

[introspectivememories]

at the center of gotham, lies its oldest public hospital — gotham general. it’s staff are kind and compassionate, if a little intolerant of bullshit. the city may not care about the crimes that occur in it but the people certainly do. gotham’s emergency services are renowned throughout the nation as one of the best. 

the ER nurses at gotham general love to gossip and their latest is about how their ever-reliable EMT bernard dowd, who'll rush into burning buildings if he thinks he can save one more person, who smiles so brightly and brings them cupcakes on his days off but has such sad eyes, seems so lonely. they determinedly decide to find a date for him. maybe dr. zacharia thomas, their latest trauma surgeon? yes, yes! he's only a few years older, bernard knows him, they get along, and most importantly, he's got a stable job. he'll be perfect for their bernard!

and then, literally only days after they decide to set up dr. zacharia and bernard on a date, head trauma nurse marissa santos comes running in with a copy of gotham daily, clutched in her hand.

"look! look! nakita mo ba ang balita?" she whisper-yells, "did you see the news?!"

instantly they're all crowding around her, trying to see the paper. covering the front page is a blurry photo of a black-haired man engaged in a passionate game of tonsil-hockey with someone who is unmistakably their youngest EMT. he's still wearing his uniform for christ's sake! in the largest font known to man, "WAYNE'S NEW PARAMOUR?" is written at the top.

"he's dating the wayne ceo!" marissa gushes excitedly.

"isn't he a little too old for bernard?" someone pipes up from the back.

"not the father, you idiot! the son! timothy!"

that's way better than their candidate. everyone is stoked. by nightfall, everyone in the ER knows that bernard dowd is dating timothy drake-wayne, the youngest ceo wayne enterprises has ever had.

when bear stops by, at around 2 in the morning, dropping of the last patient from his shift, he's immediately accosted by the nurses.

"whoa! hey!" he exclaims as they lead him to the nurse's station and sit him down in a chair, "what's going on?"

marissa slams the paper down in front of him, "spill."

bernard groans and turns cherry red, "oh my god tita. don't you guys have patients to attend to?"

"already taken care of." nurse gu says.

"what about mr. gomez, the one with third degree burns that just came in?" bernard tries desperately.

"dr. zacharia is already on it." dr. esperanza responds, "so spill."

their youngest tries one last time, "how do you even know if that's me?"

"there are like 10 blonde people in the EMT department and considering all of them are older than you and none of them seem to have the three ear piercings that kid in this picture does, we're gonna have to assume it's you." dr. farah nasim, one half of the head of the ER, says.

bernard turns on her with a betrayed look.

"sorry kid," she snorts, "also, you're still wearing your uniform in the photo. it says 'dowd' on the shoulder."

"im too old to be bossed around like this." he mutters before sighing, "alright what'd'ya want to know?"

"tell us everything!" marissa says, "how did you two meet?"

"we were friends in high school and we fell out of touch after junior year. he hit me up on insta 6 months ago and we reconnected."

"oh my god!! they're high school sweethearts!" nurse gu squeals, "that's so cute!"

"tell us more! who asked who out?"

"okay well, technically he asked me out but he didn't know he was asking me out. but we went on this date at this restaurant and it got attacked by some villain and red robin, but he was going by robin at the time, rescued. so i told robin, 'hey if i make it out of this, tell tim drake, i would've liked to finish our date'. and then, tim, shows up at my door the next day and says 'i don't know what this feeling i get when i'm near you is, but i'd like to find out'. and the rest is history."

"bernard, what the hell?" dr. esperanza says shocked, "that's the most rom-com-esque story i've ever heard."

"what?" bernard blushes, "no it's not."

"bear," esperanza says slowly, "he showed up at your door and said 'i don't know what this feeling i get when i'm near you is, but i want to find out.' that is something straight out of the notebook."

"no, no! he's such a dork!" bernard assures them frantically, "he does this thing, when he laughs too hard, he snorts and it sets him off again and it just keeps going. and you should've seen him in high school, the biggest skater boy to ever exist. he's teaching me..."

and bernard goes on and on for the next 15 minutes, trailing off only when he notices them all smiling at him.

"what?" he says shyly.

"you're in love with him, aren't you?" dr. farah says.

bernard chokes, "what?! no! ...maybe?"

everyone shares a look between each other. marissa steps forward, "well on behalf of the gotham general ER staff, i can assure you, we all approve."

"thank you?"

"bring him around sometime!" nurse gu says, "we'd all like to meet him."

"why? so you can give him the shovel talk?"

"of course!" dr. farah says, smiling widely, "he’s dating our youngest! we have to threaten him!"

bernard's voice is suspiciously wet when says a few moments later, "thanks guys."

and so on it goes for the next few months until marissa comes back after her break, deathly pale. everyone worries but she refuses to tell anyone what's wrong. and then a few weeks later, nurse gu goes on his break and comes back shocked. and then a month later, dr. zacharia comes back from a quick step outside, lips sealed shut.

and on it goes until there is one glaring truth the gotham general ER night staff cannot ignore:

bernard dowd is dating red robin. open relationship or cheating, to be determined.

a year after the news about tim drake and bernard had been released, and half a year after the, what the staff has taken to calling it, Red Robin Scandal™ began, dr. farah calls a night staff meeting.

the staff meeting is boring as usual until the end when dr. farah opens the conversation to the staff to voice their concerns.

"are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" dr. esperanza asks.

"i think bernard might be cheating on his boyfriend!" marissa blurts out before slapping her hands over her mouth, horrified.

“oh thank god.” esperanza sighs.

"wait you saw them too?" nurse gu asks.

"in the narrow walkway," dr. zacharia starts.

"between the ER and jacobson building." dr. esperanza finishes.

"exactly!" marissa says.

"i caught them in the parking lot once." dr. farah admits, mouth pressed into a grim line, "they were pressed up against the fence in the back — y'know where the light doesn't shine? — kissing each other like they'd just come back from world war 2."

"ay, how could that boy be so stupid?" marissa sighs, "getting caught up with a vigilante?"

"maybe it's like polyamory?" esperanza says, ever hopeful.

"whatever it is," farah says, "he should know better than to get involved with those people. we have to talk to him."

they pull bernard into an unused conference room, just the 5 of them, 3 weeks later.

"hey, hey!" bernard exclaims as they shove him into a chair, "what's going on?"

nobody speaks.

"guys?"

"are you cheating on tim drake?"

"what?"

"are you cheating on tim drake?" marissa repeats.

"no! why would you think that?"

"everyone on the night staff has caught you kissing red robin at least once. wanna try that again?" farah says.

bernard sighs, "is that what this is about? doc, i swear to god, i'm not cheating on tim."

"so he knows?" zacharia asks.

"yes zach, tim knows about me and red robin."

"and he's okay with it?"

"yes. tim doesn't mind me dating both of them." bernard says, a smile playing on his lips.

nobody speaks for a while.

"so..." bernard breaks the silence first, "are we good here? do you approve?"

"no." esperanza says, "we don't approve."

"what?"

"he's no good for you." nurse gu says.

"you don't even know him." bernard says incredulously.

"oh and you do?" zacharia says scathingly, "he's a vigilante bear. how much do you really know?"

"more than you zach!"

pleadingly bernard turns toward farah, "c'mon doc, you don't agree do you?"

"you know, when you first started dating tim drake, i had my reservations. rich people and all that. but i figured with all that money, if you ever got roped into rich people problems, tim's money would help out. you'd be taken care of and he clearly loves you, so i didn't mind too much."

"but this..." farah trails off, "i can't accept this."

turning towards marissa, "tita, please."

"don't do that, bear. wag kang tanga. it's not good to be with him."

"he loves me! is that not enough?" bernard near-yells, "i thought that's what you wanted. someone who loves me!"

"enough to quit being a vigilante?" esperanza asks.

"quit being a vigilante? are you guys hearing yourself?" bernard asks angrily, "he saves the city on a near-nightly basis and you want me to ask him to give it all up because what? he's dating me?"

"so let him save the city without you." nurse gu says, "why does he need to drag you into it?"

"he's not dragging me into anything! i am a full consenting adult! i chose him! what’s so different about what he and i do anyway?"

“well for one, our job is legal. and two, there are safety measures put in place so that you don’t get hurt. so that your coworkers don’t get hurt. your man walks into the joker’s lair with an inch of kevlar and a prayer on his lips.” zacharia says.

nurse gu sighs, "look. nobody here is mad at him for saving the city. everyone here knows somebody who has been saved by the bats. but the deal is that they save the city and they don't drag anybody else into it."

"the bats, whoever they are? they chose that life. for whatever reason, they chose that life and all the dangers that go with it. you’re not stupid bear, don’t get involved with whatever he has going on. pick literally anyone else.” farah says.

“you need a third person that badly? take zach! the ER was planning on setting you up with him before we found out about tim, anyway.”

“what?” zacharia says, rounding on nurse gu.

“you know what?” bernard says, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly, “ i don’t have to explain myself to you guys.”

“you can’t marry him.” marissa says.

“who said anything about marriage? i’m 22!”

“you clearly love tim. you two seem like you’re going to last a while and if you love red robin they way you love tim, them somewhere along those years of being together then you’re going to start thinking of marriage. what then? how are you going to explain red robin to the people you love?”

“we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

“look, bernard,” farah says gently, “we’re not doing this cause we don’t want you to be happy. you mean a lot to me, i think of you as my son. we just-”

“you’re not my mom.” bernard snaps out, “you’re not my mom, you’re not my aunt, my uncle, my brother. you guys aren’t anything to me!”

he turns and walks away.

“farah do something.” marissa hisses.

“let him go. he said he’s an adult right? then let him make his choices.”

“but,” she says, raising her voice so bernard can hear her, “if anything goes wrong, and i mean anything at all, i hope he knows that adults don’t have to do everything by themselves. that they can ask people for help.”

bernard’s hands still on the doorknob. “thank you.” he says voice rough, “nothing will happen, but thank you for the offer.” and he walks out the door.

bernard dowd, is 22 year old EMT that has too much heart and not enough brain. he’ll rush into burning buildings if he thinks he has even a minute chance of saving someone. he’s kind and he’s sweet and more importantly, he’s dating timothy drake-wayne, ceo of wayne enterprises.

if you ask the ER night staff at gotham general, after a lot of prodding, they might tell you that bernard dowd was one of the youngest EMTs to ever join the gotham county emergency medical services. they might tell you that bernard dowd has been wondering if he should become an AEMT or a paramedic. they might tell you that as the major receiver for all patients, bernard saw them all the time and imprinted on them like a baby duck. and if you’re really close they might, tell you the ER’s biggest secret: bernard dowd is dating both timothy drake-wayne and red robin. or they might just let you walk in on them making out behind the ER. whatever comes first really.

(if you get close enough to a certain group of people on the ER night staff, they’ll tell you that bernard dowd has two hands and he uses them to hold onto his boyfriends. 

they’ll tell you that tim drake is a nice boy and they’re a little worried about their bernard fitting into the circles a wayne walks in, but he’s a nice boy who clearly loves bernard, so they’re not too worried.

they’ll tell you that that red robin character is no good for their bernard and has no business getting so close to their youngest. that red robin is going to get bernard into trouble one day, the kind of trouble that you don’t come back from.

and if you get really close to them, they’ll tell you over lunch breaks and muttered whispers, that both boys are going to break their youngest’s heart. and that if they had to pick, red robin will do it first. that their bernard loves a little too deeply and that they're worried that it’ll break bernard.

but they’re not too worried, they say. because bernard has them and if that bastard red robin breaks his heart, then they’ll pick up the pieces, they’ll sew him back together if they have to. after all, bernard stitches up half of gotham every night, this is the least they could do.)

[zeephyre]

CRITICAL ROLE CAMPAIGN 3 EPISODE 85 SPOILERS

IM LITERALLY ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND YALL

Where do I even ??? start ???

I haven't been posting c3 as the episodes dropped in...a while actually, like right before they went to the feywild. i have many thoughts and many feelings about so many things that have happened since then and I'll summarise them so I can get to THIS episode.

fearne and ashton - love their shard powers, they're literally royalty and terrifying, and i want them to make-out. i can't wait to see them go full primordial again in a real combat situation.

imogen - save her. literally save her. free her, even. i love everything about the call of ruidus when it comes to imogen on a narrative standpoint, but...God I get so worried that we're gonna lose her. I don't mean she's gonna betray the hells, but...ruidus could take her and then i would simply perish.

laudna - before i really get into wtf went down this episode with her and she who must not be named, i gotta say... im worried. very very worried. however, that fireball was objectively the best shit ever.

fcg - i can't even really remember anything stand out abt fcg except what Sam pulled last night so.

chetney - still the heart of the team, still my baby girl, still my favourite. love him to bits.

orym - i think laudna is going to beat his ass one of these days and im... even more concerned about that after this episode. his nana morri powers are cool as fuck tho... does that make him a warlock now? i know he isn't multi-classing but wouldn't that be cool

ANYWAY WE'RE ON THE FUCKING MOON AND WE GOT MOON LORE AND EVERYTHING WAS SHITTY THEN FUN THEN SHITTY THEN FUN AGAIN THEN REALLY FUCKING SAD THEN IT ALL WENT TO SHIT AGAIN.

the moment imogen reached out to ruidus and matt mentioned that she could sense where other ruidusborn were i fucking knew that otohan was high tailing it in their direction, and i thought they instinctively knew that too but they probably got so distracted.

we were travelling for hours and had a huge fight that almost got them captured (not to be confused with the OTHER two fights that almost got them captured) and I was begging and screaming and crying for them to get a long rest safely hidden away AND THEN THEY SPLIT THE PARTY WITH BARELY ANY SPELL SLOTS OR HIT POINTS AFTER BEING DRAINED FROM ANOTHER BATTLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM

(Sidenote, the willmaster really opened up the door to the further increase in moral pondering in a certain number of hellians. i do think using the harness is disgusting and hypocritical, but i don't condemn them for it, it just...makes me wanna vomit thinking abt what ludinus did with it. not to mention the HUNGER parallels between laudna and ludinus...its just not good yall. also??? objectively funny that fcg seemed weirded out by the idea of killing the willmaster, not just with the harness but in general, considering how many people they've killed up to this point)

idk if its just the inherent terror that an evil old hot lady can inspire that makes otohan so much more terrifying to me than ludinus. like, objectively, ludinus is a worse threat and could wipe them out EASILY but jesus otohan is like the damn reaper to me. it's the trauma from the laudna, fearne, orym massacre mixed with the underlying little drop from their uthodurn romp that let us know that resurrection spells are NOT working and idk if that got fixed bc of time passing or distance from the leylines but i really did not want to test that shit out in real time

thank...god that sam riegel is a damn genius player, that banishment of fcg and fearne was the ONLY reason fcg survived. and thank GOD FOR KEYLETH BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT CLOUD SPELL BELLS HELLS WOULD BE VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY DEAD RN.

God, "otohan has us. run." is going to haunt me just as much, if not more than the almost tpk. it just...shot me straight back to bassuras and the plan to run that just...immediately fell apart.

god fcg truly could have died there. and fearne would be captured. i know the hells would be too stupid and too brave and too loyal to leave fearne with otohan in their cloud form but can you imagine a world where fcg was gone, fearne was captured and the hells had to switch from recon to rescue... itd be stressful but pretty fun.

thankfully it didn't come to that and some good came from the shit.

ruidus is so beautiful. i was worried they'd end being trapped under ruidus while they explored (not that I wasn't on board with the detours, I wish this wasn't a time sensitive mission), but matt's imagery of the fossilized elven structure and garden made me sad but also happy that we got to see it.

i cannot believe that the stupid plan to shove fearne up a water hole happened AGAIN and it ended up with us FINDING A BACK HOLE TO RUIDUS GOD I LOVE THESE CHUCKLEFUCKS WHEN IS THE NEXT EPISODE MATT YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME. WHERE EVEN ARE THEY??? IS IT EVEN EXANDRIA???? WHAT DO WE DO IF IT IS EXANDRIA??? WHERE DID THIS HOLE EVEN COME FROM???? DOES IT CLOSE AND REOPEN??? IS IT STAGNANT?????? IS IT FUCKING STABLE?!?!?!?!?!

God...we could go back to keyleth and the others and actually invade ruidus without encountering the ruby vanguard. (that's if they're alright because otohan did go out onto the battlefield and we don't know what fhe fuck she did when the illusion fell through)

GOD. IS IT THURSDAY YET??? WE HAVENT EVEN FOUND THE RESISTANCE????