#me personally my worst fear is graduating alone

[boomiyah]

since i cant help but wonder as a graduating high school student— since severus graduated in the late 70s-early 80s, who went to his hogwarts graduation?

assuming you needed both parents to attend, tobias obviously wouldn't have been there, not only because he's a muggle but come on i don't think he would've cared much about his own son

eileen probably couldn't bare to go back to Hogwarts especially if it meant she would probably see her friends and their kids living a better life than she ever did, or she felt too guilty

that, or like some HCs i've read in fics, she died in severus's 6th year

since sev and lily ended their friendship two years prior, did the evanses know about what happened? did they congratulate him when they saw him unaware of what happened or were the evanses not there because of the risk of the first war attacking them for being muggles?

did any of the professors stand in as a parent to give him his medals/degree (if hogwarts has those) when he walked on stage? did the marauders subtly taunt him when he did?

did his pureblooded friends in his year congratulate him? leave him alone? did lucius and narcissa stand in as his parents? (<<it does sound possible)

imagine he never displays his degree even in his own private quarters because he doesn't think it's a big when in reality everyone does display it because it's a huge deal like you just finished school and it's a big turning point of your life in the (wizarding) world

if severus ever gets close to the staff/he starts trusting them a little more with that information, i wonder what they'd think

[oldiesstationlover11607]

For you - Tyler Joseph x Reader

Relationship: Tyler Joseph x Reader

Warnings: angst and cliffhanger ending, tyler crying :(

Word Count: 1710

Summary: A few weeks after graduating high school you break the news to your best friend Tyler that you're leaving Columbus.

Part 2

Summer 2006

Tyler and I had been friends since we were six, and nothing ever changed between us. It had been two weeks since we’d graduated high school, and we’d decided to go on a road trip. While most of our friends had already chosen which colleges they wanted to attend, neither Tyler nor I had made a final decision yet—except I’d just made mine that morning.

We’d parked our car at the entrance to a forest about an hour from Columbus and walked into the greenery. It was a warm day, so I was wearing a t-shirt I’d gotten on a Disney World trip with Tyler and my family, and he was wearing a black muscle shirt that showed off the tattoos he’d gotten the day we graduated, the ink still vibrant.

“I still can’t believe you got those,” I laughed, closing the car door.

“I still can’t believe my mom didn’t kill me the second she saw them,” he quipped, leading the way to the trail. “Have you thought much about what you’re going to do now that we’re done with school?”

I knew he was going to ask that question. I’d deliberately chosen not to tell him when I saw him that morning. When he realized I wasn’t answering, he turned around and looked at me, giving me a look that screamed, “I can read your mind.” His hair was short, initially buzzed to keep it out of his face for basketball, but it had grown out since. I looked into his eyes, which compelled me to tell him everything; the look on his face begged, “Please.”

“Come on, Ty. We don’t need to talk about that right now,” I muttered and continued to walk on until he grabbed my hand.

“Don’t hide things from me, Y/N. We don’t do that,” he said. I pulled my hand out of his grip and let out a loud sigh. He had a point. I’d never kept a secret from Tyler, and when I did have one, he was the first person I told. We were always vulnerable with each other, too. Whenever he was struggling, he’d come and talk to me. He’d even share his music with me despite feeling embarrassed about it because he was ‘supposed to be a jock.’

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

He laughed at that. “How on earth would you hurt me? It’s not like you’re leaving, right?” I didn’t say anything. I stood there staring at him with a saddened look on my face, which seemed to be contagious. “It’s not like you’re leaving, right?” he repeated.

“Tyler…” I reached out to him, but he moved away. My worst fear had come true. He hated me.

“You promised me… you said you’d always be here for me, Y/N. You know I need you!” His eyes quickly turned glossy with tears welling up. I had promised that. But I also knew that I couldn’t always be there for him.

“I only got into one school, Ty! What else am I supposed to do? You know I want to do film,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“You’re supposed to stay in Columbus with me!” he shouted back, two tears running down his face.

“It’s gonna to be okay, Tyler,” I moved closer to him, and the tears started pouring down his face, prompting me to bring him into a tight embrace. He started sobbing, bringing the reality of how much I meant to him to the front of my mind. I really hadn’t thought we were that close. He pulled away slightly from me and looked desperately into my eyes, his hands coming up and cupping my face in the most intimate way he’d ever treated me.

“I need you, Y/N. Don’t leave me alone.” I leant my forehead against his, my right hand cupping the back of his head.

“I’m sorry, Ty,” I whispered, closing my eyes. This was the moment he decided to press his lips to mine in a quick kiss, the saltiness of his tears bringing a depression to an otherwise desperate attempt to make me his. His lips were softer than I had expected them to be. I’d known Tyler through both of his high school girlfriends, and he’d never treated any of them like this before. I pulled away from the kiss, my eyes searching for some kind of explanation.

“Stay with me. I love you,” he pleaded.

“You know I can’t,” I responded, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you too.”

We spent the rest of the day walking through the forest and talking about the future. I’d decided to move to California and attend UCLA’s Film School on an arts scholarship. He still didn’t know what to do now that school was over; basketball was his life in school, but he didn’t want to keep doing it forever. We’d ultimately decided to make the most of the summer and make memories while we could, which resulted in a summer romance between us—the very thing I least expected when I’d woken up that morning.

The day I left for California was hard on Tyler, but I’d made sure to prepare him.

“Are you sure you have to go?” he asked, sitting on my bed while I packed my bags.

“You already know the answer to that. But you know we’ll text every day,” I looked up at him. We’d agreed to end the relationship when I left; four years on the other side of the country would make a serious relationship between us impossible, and we didn’t want to break up on bad terms. “Hey, don’t you have that music thing next week?” Tyler had met some people over the summer who were in local bands and had started attending gigs on the weekends.

“Yeah, but I’ll be too depressed missing you to write anything at the damn workshop,” he’d now rolled over onto his back and was looking at me upside down off the edge of the bed. We both knew that every second we had would be our last, and it was bringing the feeling in the room down.

“I’m proud of you, Ty. You know that, right?” He rolled back onto his stomach and jumped up in front of me.

“Yeah, I know, babe,” he used the one nickname I’d earned over the summer. He was the only one to ever call me that, and I loved him for it.

“I mean it. You’re going places.” I smiled up at him before pulling him in for a final hug. He pressed a kiss to my right temple before whispering, “I’m gonna miss you so much.”

“I love you,” I whispered back before pulling away to grab my suitcase and getting into my car. “Text me every day, Ty, and never ever stop dreaming.”

Summer 2012

I hadn’t spoken to Tyler in three years. He stopped texting me as we both got busier with school and work. The last I’d heard from him, he had formed a band with two of his community college friends, but in a call from my mom, she had told me it wasn’t working out. Other than the occasional call with my mom, I had no idea what was going on back home. For the last few years, I’d worked in the film industry as both a writer and director for short films, but no big projects had come out of it. I was sitting in my apartment eating breakfast on my first Saturday off in a month, ironically scrolling through my emails. Everything was from producers, except for one email from an address I was unfamiliar with: “Reel Bear Media.” I laughed at the film pun before opening the email addressed to “Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Dear Y/N Y/L/N,

My name is Mark. You don’t know me, but I’ve heard a lot about you from one of my clients. I’m well aware that you’re currently based in Los Angeles, California, but I have a work opportunity I’d like to offer you. I currently work as a content producer for an Ohio band with a small but rapidly growing fan base. I’d like to offer you the job (at the request of the front man) as a touring videographer for the band ‘Twenty One Pilots.’ I’ve attached my contact information and some of my photos if you’re interested.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Mark Eshleman”

I scrolled down to look at the attached photo file to come face to face with the boy—now man—I hadn’t seen in around six years.

He’d finally done it. Tyler had finally had the opportunity to make his music. He’d met someone–who I was sure he got along well with–who could truly help him succeed. I pulled out my phone and dialled the saved number I had for Tyler, praying that he hadn’t changed it. The phone rang once, twice – I looked at the clock to make sure the time zones were right – three times. 

“Hello?”

“Tyler?” I crossed my fingers, hoping it was him. 

“It’s been a long time hasn’t it?” the sound of his voice had changed, deeper than the last time I’d heard it. I could hear the sound of his smirk, confidence sounded good on him. 

“I got the email from Mark. I can’t believe you remembered I did film, let alone even thought of me,” I spoke, the tone of surprise very clearly sounding through the phone. I could hear his laugh come through the speaker. 

“Of course I thought of you. There’s very little I wouldn’t do for you.”

I grinned.

“I take it you’re coming then?”

I nodded, knowing he couldn't see me at all but knew exactly what I was doing. “Flights are booked then. Be at LAX at 12pm and Josh and I will be at the airport in Columbus as soon as you land.” I couldn’t believe he had the power to book plane tickets that quickly and pick exactly who he wanted as part of his project. 

“I'm so excited to see you! I just know Josh is gonna love you,” he spoke.

“Sorry, who’s Josh?”

//

A/N: I really really loved writing this one. It went from something I wasn't too sure about into something super cute ngl. I'll probably write a part two if people want it so make sure to either request it in the question box or comment below if you're keen. Also, please don't repost my writing onto other platforms because I do work hard to come up with these stories!

Thanks for reading <3

[theonewhospeaksinweird]

💜Protection (Charlotte Katakuri x Female!Reader) Pt. 1💜

💚 = Lime/Lil Spicy

💛 = Lemon

💙 = Sad

❤️ = Angsty (won't do many of these unless prompted) 

💜 = Fluff

💔 = Heartbreak (rare unless prompted)

🖤 = Normal 

I'm sorry to anyone who has tried to request a story from me since I started writing here, but I was going through some things with school, graduating, and getting my life ready for adulting.~ I also got married, and am moving with my husband!~ And now I'm back with a self-indulgent story for my favorite character from One Piece, Charlotte Katakuri!~ Enjoy!~

Part 1 - -> Part 2 - -> Part 3

Nervousness seeped into my bones as I tried to calm myself. Gardening the castle grounds wasn't necessary, but I had nothing else to do with my anxious hands, so I tended to the house and my personal garden with them. I had already tried to sit down and read a book in our room, but seeing the bed reminded me of the moment I shared with my husband this morning. For once, that was what I was trying to distract myself from right now, and my husband was the source of my mounting anxieties.

"Why do you have to go today?" This variation of my needlessly repetitive daily question slipped from my lips as I breathed in his sweet scent. One I felt the need to ask every morning as if he would choose to stay in bed with me all day rather than do his job. Sometimes I, selfishly, wish he would stay, but I'd never make him choose. The devotion to his family that he shows every moment of the day is one of the many things that made me fall in love with him, after all. Even if it's clear that this duty takes a hefty toll on his body and mind, I still support him in every endeavor he chooses.

His morning voice rumbled more than usual, and it made me press further into his warm, enveloping skin under the covers as we whispered sleepily to each other. The bliss of our intimacy alone had me never wanting to leave my paramount husband's side. His arms were so immense and encompassing, and I was so small and protected. Never fearing anything but the absence of my husband. A deep sigh from him lifted me up and down on his chest as he came to a clearer consciousness.

"It's my duty, love, you know that." His beautiful incisors gently grazed my head as he spoke, entertaining my usual silly question of worry. Butterflies still tickled my stomach at the endearment he addressed me as, even after three years of marriage. Those flutters overwhelmed me with a wave of adoration for my giant lover. Of course, I believed in my husband's strength, I've seen what he is capable of firsthand multiple times.

If this were almost any other pirate crew member his mother was executing, I wouldn't be worried, but this was one of the worst generation's crew members, Black Leg Sanji of the Strawhat Pirates, so I couldn't help but fret a little. There wasn’t anyone on the Grand Line that had not heard of this infamous crew that had done the impossible over and over. And that was all before they disappeared for two years, presumed to be disbanded after a disheartening defeat at both Sabaody and Marineford. Who knew how much stronger they were after all this time. All of that didn’t even include the superhuman abilities of Germa 66 that were sure to turn on us the moment the betrayal registered.

Letting out a small hum, I attempted to dispel the worry from my thoughts so I could relish the last half hour I had with my husband for this morning before he went off to put himself in harm's way. For his family. For me. My droopy eyes opened slowly to see the hidden beauty of my husband that only I was allowed to gaze upon. From his beautiful, pearly teeth to his peaceful face that also only seemed to be reserved for my presence. The sharp, masculine lines of his face seemed softened, especially his arched eyebrows that were always furrowed when he was around anyone. Anyone except me, that is. My significantly smaller thumb brushed along his rough scar, making him shudder as he too opened his worn eyes filled with adoration the same as mine. Our equally sleepy eyes met as I continued to caress his momentary tenseness and my worry away.

I gave him a soft smile as I leaned in closer to nom his nose playfully, my lips covering my teeth. Technically, I could bite it off, but he currently seemed to be too sleepy to regrow it. A smile of his own upturned the corners of his mouth, making me undeniably happy and let slip a few giggles. Even though I've seen it multiple times before, it still makes me giddy to know that I make him smile. My tittering was joined by his rumble of a chuckle as we cuddled impossibly closer, his strong arms enveloping my person tighter than before. A comfortable silence cocooned us as we soaked in each other's care.

It was only about us right now.

Mirth had me smiling to myself as I absentmindedly caressed sugary dirt off of a fully grown candy corn on the cob, just like I had his cheek. A gentle but chilling breeze brought me back to the present, and my smile fell away as I automatically looked towards the nearby main island of Whole Cake. My soft blue antennas and small white wings swayed in the wind as I sighed and stood up to head inside with my now full basket of candy veggies.

Looking up at the pink cotton candy clouds I've grown used to, they were a far cry from the white and pristine ones I grew up on. As a fallen Skypeian, it was still odd for me to be looking up at the clouds rather than being in them. My abnormal antennas gifted me abilities similar to that of a Devil Fruit power, though the sea does not scorn me for mine. With the power to read and gently influence people's emotions, as well as view their memories when I touch them, it was hard to live blissfully unaware of things when they affected someone's emotions. When my emotions rise, so does the sensitivity of my gift, therefore, when going out in public, I wear silk gloves. Katakuri does a lot with helping me manage my emotions in public, but it's nice to have a backup aid. If only he were here now.

By the time I was done cleaning the candy veggies and storing them, my worries had soared to new heights, and I couldn't stand it anymore. Even though it was senseless, I rushed to our room, and quickly put on a yellow tulle, knee length dress while pocketing my white silk gloves before leaving through the back door. The front and sides were guarded by Cracker's biscuit soldiers that he offered for extra protection this morning. Upon opening the door, I was immediately met with the hollow, smiling faces of about ten homies which made me shudder. Not because I was scared of them, but because I knew what kept them alive.

After marrying Katakuri, I eventually confronted him with my experiences of seeing human memories when touching Homies around the kingdom, and he reluctantly explained. The truth drew me into a mournful stupor, heartbroken for all of the stolen life forces constrained to these obedient slaves. This depth of my sorrow had me distancing myself in a separate room for a week until I calmed down. Any person that came near me was overwhelmed with sobs as I was, except Katakuri whose eyes only watered. Katakuri sent away his Homies for me to feel comfortable, and brought in human staff to replace them, but I still avoid Homies as much as I can when we go to other islands.

"Hello, Miss Y/N! Where are you rushing off to in a hurry? Katakuri-Sama appointed us to join you if you decided to leave the grounds!" Spoke one cheerfully. These weren't like normal Homies, as they were made out of Katakuri's mochi, yet the familiar material did nothing to quell my uneasiness. The sentiment he put forth in this change touched me nonetheless since I knew he only wanted to protect me.

I tried not to look into any of their soulless eyes, which made it slightly easier when I quickly reached my bare hands forward to tap two of the Homies and activate their locked away memories. With this trick I learned from Pudding, I made quick work of the rest of them, stunning them into a melancholic stupor as I ran past and into the tree line before one of the biscuit guards could come. A shudder wracked my body as I tried to shake away the memories of those stolen lives plaguing my thoughts now. I ignored it, like Katakuri taught me, and focused on my end goal.

It was a short jog to the edge of the juice sea ebbing on the cake donut shore where my own personal boat sat anchored. With it being relatively small, the force of me hopping onto it jolted it forward a little, and I raised the anchor before starting the engine. My hands twisted on the tiller, (Tiller: The steering stick on an outboard motor engine) making the engine roar up louder as I steered towards the mistily hidden island of Whole Cake. As I flew across the violet juice, my left hand fingered the ever-present mochi bead bracelet around my right wrist that I had forgotten in my emotional frenzy.

"Do you have to go?" The first time I'd ever asked that silly question. My quiet voice matched the dewy expression I wore as I watched my handsomely half naked husband brush his teeth in the bathroom a few feet away. Those entrancing magenta eyes, normally sharp but now softened and puttying even further as they meet mine, traced my partially covered body before sighing and spitting. My antennae matched the striking pink of his eyes.

He finished his bathroom routine before lumbering over to me and taking a knee to nuzzle his face into mine. I gladly welcomed the unabashed affection, softly kissing his parted lips in return. He hadn't even begun to be this close until a year into our marriage which was two months ago, so I welcomed it all. My hands traced the defined yet soft muscles along his chest as I tried to memorize every dip and line his body made in response to years of rigorous training. A shiver slips down my spine as his large teeth gently graze my soft lips engaging his in a deeper kiss. The kiss ends just as I was starting to tug him back into the bed by his neck, his large hands stopping his descent by holding onto the edge of the bed. With a pout, I stubbornly hung onto his neck as he sat back up until one of his large hands gently tried to tug me away.

When I did finally relent, I could see my red-faced husband bashfully averting his eyes, causing me to giggle and lie back down a little more satisfied than before. He used one hand to cover as much of his face as possible, and the other he outstretched towards me. I sat up again to look at his bare hand, about to place my own in it until little balls of mochi started to float up into the air. About twenty of them were created before they spun around and arranged into a bracelet. The newly formed piece of pristine white jewelry fell back into his large hand soundlessly.

I was already in awe of the delicate display of his powers, but upon realizing that the creation was for me, I was hesitant to take it. Stealing a glance up at him, he motioned to the bracelet with his eyes while still sporting a red, yet now uncovered, face. With his extra prompting, I gingerly took the bracelet. The instant I did, I felt an overwhelming wave of love tainted with anxiousness flood my body, making my wings flutter and antennas glow a deep reddish pink. The inevitable smile creeps onto my face, exploding into a wide grin and an unstoppable flurry of giggles. At hearing my unadulterated laughter, Katakuri starts to chuckle with me and leans in to nuzzle his nose against my neck.

"Now you'll always have a piece of me with you, and I'll always feel your heartbeat to know you are well. Perhaps this will bring both of us some peace of mind." He rumbled in my ear before slowly pulling away. This time I don't try to pull him back, but still begrudgingly watch him stand up to his full height. While maintaining eye contact, I put on the bracelet and rub it against my cheek. A thrum of arousal rings from it into my warm cheek, which blossoms a devious smile on my face as my antennae's red overtakes the pink.

"I think this'll do a few more things than that.~"

A particularly rough wave jolts me to the floor of my white boat, making the engine idle and the boat cruise without my steadying hand. Through my wall of worries, I hadn't focused on the bracelet, the window into my partner's soul. Wanting the bracelets to be a two-way street of emotional clarity, I had Katakuri make himself another and infused it with my powers so he could feel my emotions too. Now crouched down in the bottom of the boat, I clutched the bracelet to my chest and breathed in a few calming breaths. Bump. A dash of anxiety, always present despite his cool exterior. Bump Bump. Swirls of skepticism, he's people watching. Ba Dump Dum. My cheeks heat up as the dominating warmth of love spreads through me. Love was the best emotion to feel from him. I used his calm emotions to steady my own but felt bad that he's had to deal with all of my topsy turvy ones, as usual. He and I were complete opposites.

Now with more peace, I returned to the tiller and, with a softer twist, continued my trek towards Whole Cake. The closer I got, the stronger myriad of emotions I could sense from my bracelet. Nervousness is stronger, tense pulses of exploration followed by a ripple of anger. He's using his Observation Haki and what he sees is not good. At this revelation, the moment my boat hits the shore of Whole Cake, I'm up and running towards the looming chateau that stands in the middle of the city.

I can hear a faint rumbling, even from the edge of the city, which makes my stomach turn in an ocean of my worst fears. I can see a giant wedding cake up at the very top where Big Mom always has her tea parties, and it seemed like it was . . . crumbling? Running all the way from the shore to the center of town, I joined the townspeople in staring up at the top of the chateau in horror. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest as feelings of annoyance edging on ire came from Katakuri.

If what I think is happening, is happening, then all the townspeople will soon be in danger. Mama has been raving about that wedding cake ever since she decided to "marry off" Pudding, and it's been in production for weeks now. If Mama doesn't eat that cake, she's going to have hunger pains and won't stop until a new one is remade. Which means I have my work cut out for me. Despite this acceptance of my duties for today, that didn't get rid of the fearful lilac filing my antennae. The townspeople started to murmur nervously to themselves about what was happening, and finally noticed I was among them.

"Lady Y/N! Do you know what is happening?"

"Miss Y/N, please tell us what is happening at Miss Pudding's wedding!" These first outcries were followed by a cacophony of worried voices that flooded my ears. After a few moments of trying to get my bearings, the yelling became too much. The mixture of my heightening panic, the thrum of my husband's own elevated emotions and the frenzy of the growing crowd exhausted me. The clear lilac muddied into brown.

"I. . ." A pulse of simmering anger from my bracelet makes me gasp before I could give the citizens a proper answer. The continual rumbling of the cake chateau made me uneasy, and I'd rather be safe than sorry about the townspeople's safety. Pushing out of the crowd, I ran over to a Homie guard.

"Miss Y/N, is something-?" Before he could finish, I cut him off with a frantic answer.

"We need to evacuate the city, Mama's cake is falling and Katakuri is fighting someone, that can only mean that the Strawhats are up there! It'll only be a matter of time before Mama starts her hunger pain, even if the Strawhats are defeated. We can't let the citizens get in the way. Tell everyone to evacuate as soon as possible!" The guard nodded obediently and ran off to spread the news. I was running in the opposite direction, back towards the chateau, yelling for people to evacuate, and trying to ignore the emotions flooding my senses as my husband expressed his rising anger and frustration.

I knew he should've stayed at home in bed with me this morning.

<コ:彡ミ☆<コ:彡ミ☆ <;コ:彡ミ☆ <コ:彡ミ☆ <コ:彡ミ☆ <コ:彡ミ☆

It didn't take long for the townspeople to catch wind of the evacuation warning, and soon the usually bustling capital of Totto Land was desolate. Everyone knew the dangerous nature of Mama's hunger pain rampages, and that drove them to leave as soon as possible. Before I could think of what to do next, a surprising yet fleeting emotion dripped icily into my veins from my husband: fear. It was fleeting, but I've never seen or felt my husband fear anything or anyone, though I didn't have to wait long for the cause of it.

A large explosion sounded off at the base of the whole cake chateau, washing a wave of heat and debris over me as I crouched down and covered my head with my hands. Light purple lit up my face as I pushed my antennae down against my head as well. My heart pounded out of my chest as I stayed down until the wind died. A horrible groaning and cracking noise resounded around me from the chateau, urging me to look up at the damage done.

The entire chateau was falling towards me.

An undeniable fear of my own clawed out of my chest as I stood up and started to sprint away from the falling structure. My lungs struggled to keep up with my frantic breaths as I focused on staying upright and dodging continuously falling debris. As I ran, I tried to look back towards the top of the crashing structure to see if I could spot anyone, but after almost getting crushed and tripping a few times, I decided to focus on my escape first. Despite my best efforts and no matter how hard I ran, the shadow of the chateau never seemed to leave my figure. Hopelessness dragged down my tiring body, painting my antennae a dreary gray.

'I'm not going to make it. Why did I come here? I should've just stayed at home like Katakuri told me to, Katakuri is always right! Stupid, stupid! Now he'll blame himself if I die here! He'll work himself even harder!' Tears began to waver my sight, and stream down my sweaty, dirty cheeks as I kept pushing my legs harder and harder. I could hear the crashing of larger debris behind me, and even though it scared me, I started to slow down until I dropped to my knees. Each breath seemed like it wasn't enough, especially as I kept crying under the looming shadow of the chateau.

Trembling on the ground, I threw my head back to stare up at my inevitable fate, only to face a large chunk of sponge cake falling towards me. Everything seemed to slow down as my wonderful life in the past three years with Katakuri flashed through my mind. I didn't want to die. Didn't want to leave him.

"If you ever need me, just call out my name, and I'll come to you no matter where I am. I will always protect you." Katakuri's promise from all those years ago resounded in my mind.

Clenching my eyes, I let out the loudest yell I could muster.

"KATAKURI, PLEASE PROTECT ME!! I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU!!"

I felt a surprising surge of energy burst through my tired body as I screamed out and waited to either be swept off my feet by my husband or crushed. All I felt was an even greater fatigue. What a pitiful way to die on the Grand Line. 'I'm sorry, Katakuri.' After a few hard beats of my heart pounding against my ribcage, and neither of those things happening, I cracked my eyes open to look at what had happened. It took me a moment to comprehend what I was seeing through bleary eyes, but even when I wiped them what I saw confused me.

The first thing I noticed was white. At a glance, I thought it was the familiar mochi of my husband who came to save me, but realized this was definitely different once my mind cleared. A buzzing bubble surrounded me like a shield, and it was deathly quiet. 'Did someone else make this, or. . . is this me. . ?' Nothing was heard other than my labored breaths. I saw the large piece of sponge cake that had been hurtling towards me moments ago nearby on the ground in smaller pieces. The second thing I noticed was that the entire cake chateau had been turned into real sponge cake, and heavy cream was spilling its way towards me. Not a moment after this fearful realization did my bubble shatter.

All the sound that had been blocked out by it came rushing back all at once. The gushing of heavy cream, settling of debris, groaning from the buildings that were supporting the now sponge cake chateau, and a few pained groans from nearby. Despite all the noise, there was one noise that made my breath hitch as I turned towards it.

The sound of spurs.

I saw my mountain of a husband, Katakuri, running towards me rapidly with Daifuku and Oven close behind.

"Y/N!" He yelled as he got to me, my arms already raised and ready for him to pick me up, which is exactly what he did. Faint yellow relief filled me.

"Katakuri! I'm sorry I left the house, I should have stayed home, but I was worried, and I felt your emotions and, and-" I couldn't even finish my sentence before I was breaking down into tears as all the stuff that had happened so quickly washed over me. Everything was a mess, I was a mess, and I almost died. He held me so close and tight in his large, strong arms, pressing my body into his heaving chest, and head into his scarf. My hands slipped under his scarf so I could wrap my arms around his bare neck and ground myself in his contact. I could feel the fast thumping of his heartbeat against my own pounding chest as he tried to futilely hide the fact that he was shaken up.

No doubt when he heard me scream his name a few moments ago, he looked into the future and saw me about to be crushed by a cake. We both just relished each other's safety for a few moments, his mouth nuzzling its way to my cheek in his scarf. The shakiness of his breath made me whimper and cry a little more. We stayed like this before he gently tugged me away from his comforting body after we had mostly calmed down. His crimson eyes were imperceptibly watery as they searched my face and body for any injuries. Normally furrowed eyebrows were upturned in worry.

"Why are you-? No, first, are you okay? I didn't think I was going to make it in time. I saw the cake, and then a flash of white, I thought-" He abruptly stopped that line of thinking along with his fast breaths that were edging on hyperventilating. He quieted and focused on catching his breath as he studied me. I couldn't look him in the eye for long as guilt wracked my body for making my husband feel so worried about me. A few sniffles are all that sounded from me as I let him cycle through his emotions to calm down. Katakuri saw my reluctance to look at him straight, sighed, and brought me back towards him. My forehead touched his as one of his gloved hands lifted to my chin and redirected my averted gaze up to his worried pools of magenta. There was no anger, just concern and fear, even though he had every right to feel angry with me. This softness was something I only saw when we were alone, and it just broke me again. Tears quickly filled my eyes as I nodded in response to his second question.

"I-I'm fine. I don't know what happened with the- the cake and the forcefield. I'm sorry I left the house, but I was just so worried about you, and I couldn't help myself! And when I got on the island, I heard Mama screaming and you felt angry, and then the cake fell, and I evacuated everyone, but then the chateau fell and-" It was a wonder if he could understand my blubbering as I gestured wildly around us to the mess everywhere, but he let me go on until I ran out of breath. He just stood there, listening, and rubbing his thumb along my cheek to wipe away the tears.

"Anything else, love?"

A blush warmed my cheeks at his soft tone and pet name, but nodded, nonetheless. It wasn't a condescending question, he just wanted to make sure I was getting everything out. Despite causing trouble because I disobeyed him, he still wanted to make sure I was well. Another rumbling hum resonated in his broad chest as he studied my tear-stained face, dirtied yellow dress and flushed face. This softened his gaze even further as he felt regret at my sullied state.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. I don't know what I would do without you, Y/N, and I would rather not think about it. Although you did disobey me and slipped past the many Homies I had stationed around our home to try to prevent this very event from happening," I winced guiltily under his momentarily scolding gaze, "I am, nonetheless, happy that you came, and are safe. Your kindness knows no bounds, and I feel unworthy of such a display of love, yet I humbly accept it." His last sentence was quieter than the rest of his gentle scolding, still aware of his brothers nearby helping the rest of his siblings up from the rubble.

A wobbly smile tugged at my lips as new tears stung my eyes and I nodded. The warmth of our shared love for each other in this mess transitioned my relieved yellow to a lovingly deep pink.

"You're the one who's kindness is endless. I didn't listen to you about staying home and caused you extra stress. You should be furious with me, but you just care about me being safe. I have no one to blame for my state except myself, Kata, and you know it. None of this is your fault. And of course, you're worthy of my love, we've been over this, silly. You deserve the world, especially with everything you do for your family, and for me. I would do anything to ensure your safety, just as you do for us." I wanted to give him a kiss on the lips, but we were in public, so I just settled for giving him a lingering kiss between his eyebrows. He seemed to relax a little at this gesture, taking my return compliment well. Before either of us could say anything more, a shrill and angered voice called out for my darling love.

"Big brother Katakuri! What are we going to do about this mess, and all the traitors and intruders?! We have no time to just stand around!" It was Mont d'Or screaming and being followed by what looked like a giant chicken man in a familiar pink suit, Brulee, Compote and a few other higher ranking Charlotte siblings. Katakuri's tender face of worry hardened back to his serious one, which saddened me that our moment was already over. Duty calls, though, and I was used to it by now.

Katakuri made no move to put me down yet, so I just let out a soft sigh and leaned into his scarf to rest for a little. He finally turned around to face his oncoming siblings, and a few were surprised to see me in his hold. The first person to speak up about it was Brulee who walked forward with concern written all over her long face.

"Y/N-nii! What are you doing here? You look a mess, are you okay?" Everyone expressed different levels of concern over my state, but before I could say anything for myself, Katakuri spoke up for me.

"She was worried about Pudding's wedding, so she came to make sure everything was fine, but got a little caught up in some of the chateau's destruction. She's fine now." Katakuri's firm voice left no more room for questions, so everyone accepted this answer. I didn't look at anyone in particular, opting to just stay snuggled in the soft fabric of my husband's scarf.

Everyone started to talk about the attacks on the chateau, but I was only partially listening. I was staring absently at the ground, in thought, when a long pink and black, twisted lollipop invaded my vision. I perked up a little at the offering, looking past it to a smiling Perospero who gave me a little wink when my gaze fully met his. With a little giggle, I took the treat and began to suck on it as I settled back against Katakuri. He didn't say anything about it, but I could feel his cheeks shift under his scarf in a smile which had me glancing up at him with a small smile of my own.

Once again, our moment was broken by someone yelling, but this time it was Daifuku directing troops. From what I had heard snippets of, the explosion on the chateau was still unknown, the bird man was somehow Tamago based on how he was talking, Strawhat Luffy and his allies had caused a lot of damage, Jinbei announced his resignation to join the Strawhats and Capone Bege had betrayed us to help the Strawhats assassinate Big Mom. The last piece of information was a disappointment but not a surprise. Katakuri had always had his suspicions on Bege's loyalty. Jinbei, though, was more saddening.

Ever since Whitebeard died, he was quick to ally with Big Mom to protect Fishman Island from pirates. He only visited the chateau when Big Mom called him, and rarely came to Komugi Island unless it had something to do with Katakuri. Nevertheless, the times he accepted my invitation to tea when he was around, he was kind, respectful and a joyful company to have. He didn't disclose any sensitive information outside of personal information, but I'm sure he was being reasonably cautious since I was married to Katakuri. One might think he was just nice to me because of my relations to one of Big Mom's highest-ranking members, but I like to think he genuinely enjoyed our time together as I did.

"Brulee, come with me. I'm going after Strawhat." Katakuri demanded, and as Brulee agreed and started to rant about what they put her through, I could feel Katakuri's anger rising high as he listened to his sister. The development made me a little nervous because the higher strung his emotions were in a fight, the more likely he was to slip up.

"I will personally make sure he is stopped. Not only has he destroyed our kingdom, put the family in imminent danger and tried to assassinate Mama, but", his grip tightened on me, "he almost caused serious harm to my wife. I must stop him here before he becomes a bigger threat to Mama later on." His protectiveness over everyone, especially me, had me blushing as butterflies tickled my stomach. Though, the thought of him getting hurt on our behalf churned my stomach over the butterflies.

This pirate had managed this much damage, even if he did have some powerful allies to aid him. Either he was as strong as his bounty suggested, or this was all pure luck. Even if Strawhat Luffy lived up to his current bounty, it was still only half of Katakuri's which totaled in at a billion berries. I had done enough doubting of him today, so I tried to quell the growing uneasiness that colored my antennae a lime green.

Just as Katakuri prepared to put me down to leave with Brulee, a loud rumbling and sounds of massive destruction caught everyone's attention. Soon thereafter, Smoothie was running towards us, urging us to do the same. If she was this frantic, that could only mean one thing: Mama's hunger pains had started.

<コ:彡ミ☆<コ:彡ミ☆ <;コ:彡ミ☆ <コ:彡ミ☆ <コ:彡ミ☆ <コ:彡ミ☆

Wah!~ Okay, sooo this turned into something WAY longer than I expected it to be, so I split it up!~ The scene I started this story in mind with can be reached in two parts.~ The second part is mostly done already, but now I kind of want to have another part for just pure fluff and maybe a little somethingggggg, I don't know!~ I'll decide when I get the planned parts out and see how they do and how I feel, I suppose.~ Take care, dearies!~

Part 1 - -> Part 2 - -> Part 3

[painted-bees]

Good question(s) and I'm nervous to answer cuz it’s a lot it but lemme try my best to finally hash this out into words.

Mental health stuff regarding personality disorders under the cut.

So, Raf's diagnosis is paranoid personality disorder, which is characterized by severe mistrust towards others driven by paranoid thinking. In Raf's case, he genuinely mistrusts the notion that anyone actually loves him or cares about him as a human being, and that people go only through the motions of pretending they do in order to exploit him; fear of being abused is implicit.

He spends a looot a lot of time and emotional energy trying to determine what specific people want from him--initially so that he could interact with them in the 'safest' way possible. Sometimes that meant telling them flat-out that he will not do/provide the thing he suspects is the other person's goal (with the intention of making them leave him alone), or (if it's someone who's company he likes) he'd deliberately attempt to give the impression that there's a chance they'll get what they want out of him--for as long as he is able to until the 'inevitable' falling out. His inherent mistrust and desire to avoid getting himself hurt meant that while he had a lot of nice acquaintances, he had basically no actual friends.

Raf generally, to anyone acquainted with him, just comes off as a very aloof, quiet, and private person with a busy personal life that everyone else is simply on the outside of. He goes out of his way to preform kindness to anyone he interacts with, regardless of the situation, because relentless amiability was always conditioned into him as a core trait of his curated persona growing up, and--yanno--it's worked very well for him. But also because--he doesn't fall onto the default belief that all people are bad and unworthy of kindness. "No one actually loves me" hadn't become synonymous with "everyone is a bad person". It just meant that "everyone will eventually be bad to me if given enough time".

This was his unchallenged reality from late teenagehood until some several months(maybe even a year or so?) after he had graduated from university and moved in with his uncle. His uncle recognized that Raf was very skittish, anxious, distrustful and prone to 'jumping to the worst possible conclusion' about certain things--which would often lend to some very tense interactions. His uncle, however, chalked this up to Raf having grown up under the thumb of an extremely manipulative, emotionally neglectful, exploitative mother. The situations where Uncle Bill would have to calmly and patiently prove to Raf that he wasn't gaslighting him over his wildly inaccurate assumptions/interpretations had become a more and more common as their relationship otherwise grew more and more warmly familial.

Things came to heads after the realization dawned on Raf that his uncle intended on using him as the ticket to win his mother's endearment. If Bill could successfully deliver Raf back into his mother's grip, that would easily be currency enough to convince her to reinstate Bill as a core member of Ephrem Records--thereby ending his uncomfortable estrangement with the family. And Raf would be back to living his life as his mother's preforming puppet; no autonomy, no control over his own life, no rest, an absolute nightmare.

Raf had grown too comfortable and complacent--his uncle had given him literally everything, from a place to stay, to a job that treated him well, to all the space, peace, and quiet he wanted, and with absolutely no obligation. Raf didn't have to work, he didn't have to pay rent, he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do--uncle Bill had been willing to accommodate it all. Uncle Bill had once 'admitted' to Raf that 'guilt' was a factor motivating his charitable kindness. It hadn't quite sat right with Raf at the time--and now he knew why.

And, when it was made plainly obvious to Bill that Raf wasn't sticking around just to be hand delivered back to Monaco, Uncle Bill continued the charade, offering to provide Raf the car and cash he'd need to move as far away as he wanted to be. And--it wasn't until the morning after his first full day of driving across boarder into the states, on his intended route to Mexico, that Raf got into the car, sat there...and remembered that his grandmother, the largest financial owner of Ephrem Records, had been trying to entice his Uncle back to Monaco, back into the family--non stop--for years. Bill could go back literally any fucking time he wanted to, with or without Raf. And, Bill hated his mother--or so he was consistent in suggesting as much. Why would he want to endear himself to her in a manner that played to the traits he disliked about her?

Raf called up his uncle, tried to make head and tails of things over a long conversation over the phone, and--upon...not quite having enough shamelessness to straight up ask if going back to his place in Vancouver was ok, his uncle offered Raf the option to return--on the sole condition that he'll accept psychiatric help. With hesitation, Raf agreed to it.

Raf would consider bolting again a handful more times over the next few years, and each time, the 'situation' would pass with no horrible consequence for stubbornly electing to 'wait and see'/, or 'resigning himself', instead of repeating his mistake from the first time. It left Raf feeling more and more convinced that he cannot trust his own perception. Between this and therapy, Raf became pretty adept at not saying/doing anything that would be acting upon his suspicions/fears until he's had time to dissect the situation and get a second opinion from a designated person of trust--specifically, his uncle.

Basically, for better or worse, Raf has decided not to trust his own reality when it comes to his own (specifically negative) understanding/'interpretations' of his relationships and interactions with others, and has instead elected to replace it with whatever his uncle's is (a position of trust that Magritte eventually inherits). Raf figures his life is basically in his uncle's hands anyways--considering he's convinced himself not to leave Vancouver (he -did- move out into his own apartment, however) and has repeatedly resigned himself to being "cashed in” for whatever personal gain his uncle might be gunning towards with him.

AND SO, to finally answer your question ahaha: when Raf outwardly vouches against someone's character with as much straightforwardly committed plainness as "If you hire that guy, I will quit", that guy has committed a transgression that is awful beyond any reasonable doubt.

This is also why, as Raf and Magritte became more and more friendly over the course of their weekly jam sessions, Raf suddenly going chilly and quiet on her was a recurring problem she began encountering with more frequency.

At the core of his instincts Raf will always, beyond conscious thought, believe that people can only see him as an exploitable resource and will, without fail, harm him accordingly. But--there's now a layer of increasingly thick vellum that's been laid overtop of that core--a contradicting truth that's been asserted to him, that he is being asked to put more stock into and to internalize. He slips up, there are many many times where he doesn’t catch himself on time, or is feeling too strongly to employ meaningful countermeasures. When a situation aligns in a manner that allows his paranoid thoughts to really sinks its teeth into him, he can still have catastrophically ugly, fear-driven moments...but he's been working really, really hard to manage it. He wants that lightly obfuscating vellum to become so thick that it's opaque. He wants to believe that what Uncle Bill and, eventually Magritte, say is real is real. He can't trust them, but he will anyways. He has to believe that love is an action--a deliberate choice, and if love’s an action then so, too, is trust. Because regardless if they can really love him, he has decided that he really loves them.

And the reality can reward or punish him for it as it sees fit to do so. An endless frightened loneliness is worse than dying.

[i-am-xp-64]

Because why not-

(And because I want to explain stuff about him a little more, don't ask, I'M HYPED-)

fact 1:

lim has Thalassophobia which means fear of deep water, he can go in the water till the knees but not the whole body, he also don't know how to swim-

Fact 2:

Lim doesn't know much about outside world or outside danger, ever since he were adopted by horrible people till 17,he been slaved and locked in the house with no permission to go out, he only know some stuff from the tv and the people who raised him(which is in terrible ways)

Fact 3:

When I told that lim been thru "many type of abuse/torture" you can expect the very worst one (I won't say because it's a sensitive topic about something that happened to me and I also don't like to talk about it)

Fact 4:

Some of the parts in lim's backstory is based on my past traumas (I won't say which ones, don't ask.) Also same with some of the people in the story are created base on real people I met (like monster and dragon, soon you might meet new people I will gonna mention)

Fact 5:

Lim is mostly a violent toxic person cause all he seen from people since he were a kid was all abuse and stuff, so he doesn't really know much about how bad those actions are but he never ment any harm to anyone unless things get serious

Fact 6:

The feeling is the reason how lim become an undead

Fact 7:

Lim is an ex worker at brimfero laboratory and killed by Mason and john for trying to steal some stuff from them

Fact 8:

Lim is bi and short (no surprise-)

Fact 9:

Lim as a low healthcare system that his past home caused, cause him to get sick most of the time

Fact 10:

Lim likes to eat ketchup, not with anything, just straight up ketchup, it were an addition since 11

Fact 11:

Lim hates me the most-

Fact 12:

Lim is a Spongebob and salad fingers kid, his favorite shows and the only shows he always watched when he were little

Fact 13:

Lim were actually named "lablim" but soon after they changed his name to lim only

Fact 14:

Lim's birth parents are both unknown and known as dead

Fact 15:

Even tho lim is 17, he's is quite an alcoholic and drug/cocaine addicted, due to him left alone after he run away and only people who look after him on the streets were highed up people (W guys)

Fact 16:

Lim were a daddy's boy, but soon after he start hating parents cause he never got a good one and thought that's how parents are

Fact 17:

Lim were on his close years of graduating high school but died before graduation

Fact 18:

Lim worked like 3 jobs before

- brimfero worker

- night club DJ

- janitor

Fact 19:

Lim as a crime count(updated)

- robbery

- organ selling

- scamming

- kidnapping

- drug dealing

- people stalker

- murder

- mind control (an ability from the feeling)

Fact 20:

He can take his head off, like pop! It's out, he also can crack his joints and didn't die (since he's an undead)

That's all-

Lol

[wetcatspellcaster]

I read the latest chapter of Honest Lie: it was devastating. I was smashed to the floor, it was incredible.

I loved the support group feedback.

Something I’m looking forward to is seeing how Rosalie deals with allowing Astarion to ascend. Rosalie’s straightforward ways of dealing with good things and bad things are something that I find difficult to comprehend - I think I personally am much more willing to compromise on good and evil for a person I love and a person I hate. I wonder if the party’s adoration for Rose is partially because she provides that strong moral compass that they all so desperately are looking for being

Good —————————- Power? Power!

(See companions vacillating between both spectrums, with Karlach being the exception, in my opinion)

And I do love Astarion’s cautiously made point, which (maybe? I feel?) that Rosalie hasn’t quite yet seemed to express fully in my reading - that people should be allowed to choose. There’s this line from a book that often resonates with me (I’ve put it below!! Please excuse my quoting another author at you, you being my respected and much loved author!) which states basically that choice is the most important thing to preserve, because it lets us choose to be whoever we want to be, which!! I love that BG3 seems to show us, that we persuade the companion but the companion makes the actual final choices!!

I’m super looking forward to the next installments!!! I enjoy reading so much your good and amazing works! Wishing you a great month ahead :)

“It was the right thing to do because it gave us choices. Having a choice is the most important thing.”

I’d heard that before. It’s a bullet-point line in the graduation handbook: As a general rule, regardless of the specific situation in which you find yourself, at every step you must take care to preserve or widen the number of your options. It hadn’t quite sunk in properly, but now it did. Having a choice meant being able to choose something that worked for you and whatever you were carrying and whatever you’d prepared. Having a choice meant you got to choose getting out.”

The Last Graduate, Naomi Novik

hey lovely, thank you for the message and feedback on the chapter, I'm glad that you enjoyed it!

I just want to give a quick reminder that Astarion doesn't Ascend in An Honest Lie! That is not my canon playthrough narrative and Pieces has the tagline 'Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence' for this reason. I only bring it up to put the lingering fears of any readers to bed, but also because it informs my response to your message!

Because, um, we've already *seen* the timeline where Rosalie gives Astarion full and free reign of choice... and that is, in fact, Pieces Still Stuck In Your Teeth :'))))

I totally get where you're coming from. I love that BG3 post that goes around occasionally being like 'I believe in supporting my friends' choices and BG3 really tests that by making my friends want to commit mass murder, become a God, kill a defenceless woman...' bc it sums up my feelings pretty succinctly. While in theory, I'd love a world where Astarion is given space to fix himself and then makes the choice a good Tav wants him to make, the fact of the matter is that if you do not make the (admittedly low DC) persuasion check, if left to his own devices Astarion will always choose to Ascend.

I've thought about that choice by Larian a lot. It's part of what made Pieces so compelling to me as a worst timeline, because that crucial moment seemed to become a perfect storm of 1. Rosalie doubting herself and her own values, choosing to put love first but in a way that is essentially, more self-sacrifice and self-effacement and self-doubt, and 2. Astarion losing a key source of support at the scariest moment in his life and suddenly feeling lost and alone. Rose doesn't speak to him once, past the flashback, in that timeline - she lets him take the lead.

So in response to your question, I operate on the belief, however subjective, that Rosalie's refusal to give in actually is what opens up more choice for Astarion, not the other way around. Because (as plenty of other meta posts that come before me have said much better than I could) he thinks the world works a certain way, and all his decisions are made within that matrix and the assumption that this is the only way the world works. Rose is offering a new model of behaviour - I'm not saying it's flawless, or even correct (it's mostly just autistic). It's just an alternative perspective that I believe (inevitably, as its author) is needed.

A secondary example of that, is him mechanising love in the Chapter 11 argument to try and get his way - he knows he can get people to do what he wants through sex, surely love is just a more powerful version of that? This is the way the world works. But Rosalie refusing to back down despite being in love with him, or love manifesting in a way that isn't immediate acquiescence, also challenges that perspective. It shows that sometimes love or sex or attraction isn't the automatic tool to a person's complacency, and that in fact sometimes love is actively working to better yourself, if you care about a person enough. Sometimes love/attraction isn't making the other person do something for you, but doing something for them instead.

I agree people should be allowed to choose... but sometimes people need support and also, to be quite honest, coaching to get through the most difficult times in their lives without turning into the worst version of themselves. That's not a failing of the person, it's just proof that things are easier when you have a support network. Astarion wants independence as freedom but I don't think independence as loneliness serves him, as it reinforces his worldview, of choices as survival and nothing else.

[dykeza]

Vent post

I love my mom. She pays for my college and takes me to my doctors appointments and orders me my birth control and adderall every month. She doesn’t want me to have to work and also go to college because that’s what she did and she was miserable and it took her decades to graduate. And she voted for the guy and believes in the guy that hates me. That’s running mate Especially hates me. And the worst thing about it? She doesn’t even know what JD Vance looks like. She’s a hardcore radical conservative in all of those conspiracy theorist ways but I am privileged enough and spineless enough to say that She Is My Mother. She raised me alone, she stayed with a man that threatened to murder her because she wouldn’t leave me or risk him taking me away from her, she finally ran away and took me with her and by some grace of god we made it. He hates her and bullies her and she let me believe that he was a good father for most of my life because she wanted me to be proud of my dad, she wanted me to see a hero in my dad. She suffered through that man looking down upon her for 18 years just so I could have a relationship with him. And she voted for the man that hates me. She has told me my entire life that her life’s purpose is to be my mom and she cares more about an economy than me fearing for my future. I told her today that one day I want to have children, because that’s the truth, but that I am terrified that if I ever decided to have a baby I could die for no reason and no one would help me because it would be classified as an abortion. I could do everything right and I could still suffer complications. She had pre-eclampsia with me. I could have that. But unlike her and her miraculous luck that we both made it out okay, I might not be as lucky. I may reach the worst case scenario. And I would die because doctors wouldn’t be legally able to operate on me without risking their licenses and possibly their freedoms. And she said “That’s not going to happen.” “That’s what J.D. Vance wants to do, Texas has already passed laws, Texas has a no exception abortion ban.” We then got into a multi-hour long argument because I SHOWED HER PROOF of my claims and she kept coming up with ways to tell me that I was wrong. And she’s my mom. She loves me. She would die for me. She chose me and she would do anything to make sure that I’m okay. She’s 50 years old and pre-menopausal. I’m 18. I have, at minimum, 32 years ahead of me where I am considered “childbearing age.” Until my uterus literally shuts down and I enter the era of my life where I’m just an old woman. I want a family one day. I want a daughter one day. I want a partner one day, a wife or a husband, I don’t know, but I want it. I want that dream. But I will not risk my life to have it. She will not have grandchildren. If abortion stays banned, if it’s never an ensured freedom, if contraceptives are banned, too— she will never have grandchildren. I will love her until the day she dies and long after that. I mourn her while she is alive because I love my mom more than anything. She’s my best friend. I would die for her. She’s the only person who loves me unconditionally. I will take her bloodline down with me. I will be the last of us. She will not have grandchildren. “I’ll change my mind when I’m older” well I’m 18. And I want to have a family one day, but I will not have one if abortion is banned. I will not even entertain the thought of having a baby in this world. I want a daughter but I will not allow that daughter to be born in a world where her rights are on the chopping block every four years. I’d rather she never be born. I’d rather she stay a hypothetical. I’d rather she stay a dream I’ll never have come true. I’d rather she stay a fantasy. I’d rather she be loved in my mind, have a name and a life and a future in my head where no one can hurt her how they can hurt me. I love the daughter I will not curse to be anymore than a dream. My mom tells me she dreamed of having me since she was a little girl. I may never get to tell my daughter how much I wanted her.

[amandamgsblog]

Chapter 1 - College and First Impressions

"I'm tired. I want to go out of here".

Amanda's POV

7:30 in the morning and I'm woken up by a loud knock on the door:

— Amanda, wake up! Half past seven! Have you forgotten that today is your first day at college?

— I'm comiiiing! - I wake up and stretch out on the bed. - I shiver when she knocks on the door, it's like she's going to burst in…

Hi, how are you? Yes, you're the one behind the screen. I'm Amanda, I'm eighteen and today, unfortunately, I'm starting college. I graduated from school two months ago, but in an attempt to “not waste my time doing nothing”, as my mother always says, she forced me to choose a course in a short time.

I chose Languages and Literature because I love Portuguese, especially grammar, and English too. I've always liked literature. I hope it works out, because I discarded all the other courses because I thought they didn't suit me at all. ~cof Exact Sciences and Biology cof ~

I go into the kitchen, kiss my mother on the cheek and get the food from the fridge. Me, my mother and my sister, who is ten years older than me, live in an apartment. My parents split up soon after I was born, but they lived together in the same house until I was ten. Then they each moved into their own apartment. Oh, and there are my pets!

Shakira (yes, because of the singer) and Lola are my cockatiels, and Tião is our parrot. I've always loved animals, but I have a passion for birds. I don't know what I'd do without mine…

— Excited? - My mother, Melissa, asks.

— No… - I look back at my plate. — Mom, I don't even know if it's going to work out. Isn't it better if I wait a year?

— We've already talked… - She's serious. - I didn't raise you practically alone so you wouldn't have a job.

She's always been overprotective when it comes to me… She had a complication during my pregnancy and I had to be rushed out when she was at the fifth month of pregnancy. I was born prematurely, weighing just over 21.1 oz, and because of the lack of oxygen at birth, I have some problems with my speech and walking. But compared to what I was born with, I'm a thousand times better.

I roll my eyes and speak with fear:

— You know how insecure I am… What if the bullying comes back?

When I was a little kid, about four years old, there were jokes like “gee, don't you run?” or “what about that strange thing on your leg?”, which was my boot that helped me walk, or the worst: “You speak too quietly.”

I remembered at that moment the laughter I received. With the lack of oxygen at birth, my brain stopped working and affected the entire left side of my body, where the damage was most severe, and the right side too, to a much lesser degree. But I'm glad I can move. My left vocal cord hardly moves at all, so all the work is left to the right. The result: my voice is much lower and hoarser than that of the average person, even though I've had various treatments over the years. But it could be worse, right?

My arm and leg muscles have also been affected: I have much less strength than “normal” people and have difficulty walking on my left side. Then, when I played or ran, the children would talk… But we were children, so I didn't even know what was happening. Everything got worse when I changed schools in sixth grade. I fell for a boy, he found out and started making fun of me. It was my fault, too, because I couldn't deal with my feelings when I found out that he hated me, in actually and that he was dating several girls. I begged him to date me and he threatened to record it and put it on the internet. Both he and I were idiots…

From the eighth grade to the senior year of high school, I liked other boys afterwards, but for a short time and with little intensity. Nothing happened either, so I completely forgot about those boys. I remembered all this and started to cry. I hope I don't fall in love for a long time yet…

I took the cockatiels on my lap and gave them a piece of my bread.

Starving… It's like there's no food.

— Daughter, don't let anyone get to you like this. You're going to start college! - She smiles. - People are much more mature.

— In theory, mom.

I finished my breakfast and put the plate in the kitchen. I was going to walk down the corridor as usual, but…

SPARROWS!!!

The morning screams.

My parrot is Tião, or “green ball”, as I sometimes call it. Ever since the cockatiels arrived ten years ago, he's had a habit of shouting “sparrow” when it sees them. That's because my mother and I call them “sparrow”, because of the way they run around the house when they come out of their cage and because they're small.

He always gives a few shrieks during the day which, to be honest, I still haven't got used to. Even after fourteen years.

— You pay me, Tião! I won't give you any more of my bread either. - I huffed and went to my room to get ready. I hope it was VERY worth getting out of bed today…

A few hours later…

I've just arrived at the college I'm going to study at. My God, it's GIANT in here!!! I'M GOING TO GET LOST HERE!

Huum… Geography, no. History, Pedagogy, Languages and Literature!

I found it. Building 6… There's no map here?! Oh, the signs. This is building 1, just go straight ahead and you'll find 6… Easy… I found my name on the list. I walked down a corridor and found my classroom.

Room 115. You can do it, just go in.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. My jaw hit the floor. I've never seen a classroom this big! There must be sixty people in here! I've got an hour and a half to go, there's no one in the room yet and all this stress and lunchtime digestion is making me sleepy…

SNOOZE TIME!!!

I ran to the table in front of me and fell asleep.

Ross' POV

8:00 and my alarm goes off. Droga (Crap).

What's up? My name is Ross. And, yes, people here can't pronounce it properly, haha… My story is a bit complicated to understand, but here we go:

My parents, Stormie and Mark, are American and lived in rural Colorado. At the age of thirty, they had already been married for five years and wanted to move to a different place: Brazil.

Belo Horizonte, the capital of Minas Gerais state, to be specific.

They learned a language they didn't know, Portuguese, perfectly, and learned about the culture of the country and of the state. The whole neighborhood is in love with them.

They always spent holidays and birthdays in Littleton, my hometown. On one of these trips there, they stayed for just two days at my maternal grandparents' house, because my mother started to go into labor. So everyone stayed at my grandparents' for a month until I grew up a bit and we went back to Brazil.

Throughout my childhood, I followed my parents on trips. Not that I minded, it's really nice… During my teens, I stopped going as much because school wouldn't let me. Now I'm going to college and that's another reason why I have to wake up today…

— Morning. - I smiled at my family, who were having breakfast together, as usual.

— Hi, son. - My parents reply. — Excited about college today?

— Yes, dad. It's going to be great… I've always liked Literature, and then I'll be able to study texts from here and from United States at the same time and in a much deeper way. Who knows, maybe I'll be a teacher in the future?

— You will, hun. We're so proud of you. - My mother hugs me. We finish ourbreakfast and I go to get ready. I arrive at the college and I'm startled by the size.

I'm going to be lost here… Great, Ross, you can't even look up for a map!

I wander around the main courtyard, which is huge, until I meet some friends from school, Pedro and Artur.

They show me where my building is and they invite me to the cafeteria. We talk about these two months: the vacations, who in the class is dating and who is single, the courses, how the teachers at school are doing.

— Guys, even with forty-five minutes to go, I'd better go. It was good to catch up with you…

— It was great too, brother! Let's not lose touch. - Pedro says.

— Yeah! And this week there's a freshman party in the nightclubs around the college, they say lots of hot girls are going to these parties… Who knows, maybe our Rossy Bossy will get a one night stand? - Artie squeezes my cheeks tightly and says the nickname my mother gave me when I was little. — I can find you someone from Accounting and Pedro, someone from Business Administration.

— Won't you change…? And take your hand off my cheeks, Artie! I still can't believe you think girls are your sex toys and not people with feelings!

I'm impressed by the level of the conversation. Even though I was the youngest among them, a few months apart, I always acted like an older brother.

— Chatoooo… (You boriinnng...)- They both hum.

— At least I want to lose something so important to me together with someone I love deeply, knowing that she feels the same way about me, and when we look each other straight in the eye, I'll see a little bit of Heaven…

Okay, I've thought too much.

— HAHAHAHA! - That's great! — What heavy drugs are you on, bro?! I want some!

— None! It's just my opinion!

— He… He must… - Pedro was laughing too much. — He's been watching too much Romeo & Juliet.

— Oh, fuck off! See you later. And it's the 1968 version, yes! - I say goodbye to the two clowns with my wonderful middle finger.

I walk a bit and go to my building, which is a two-storey colonial-style building divided into two parts, with the office in the center and each part with several classrooms.

— Okay, building 6… On this side are rooms 104 to 109… - I say, pointing to my left. - So that must be 115.

I find the room and knock on the door.

As no one came, I opened it. I go in and see just one person. A bunch of hair, actually. She had her head on the table. She, because of her flowery dress and long hair. Between waking the poor thing up or not, I speak with embarrassment:

— Excuse me… Is this the… Languages classroom? - Nothing. I speak louder: — Miss, is this the Languages classroom?

— AHHH! WHERE?! WHAT? - She screams in fright. I tried not to laugh, because her hair was messy and covered her face. — Ouch… Are you looking for the Languages room? It's here.

She brushes her hair out of her face, but then reaches into her bag for something. When she lifts her head, I see what she looks like: pale skin, big dark eyes, hidden behind lilac glasses, and long dark brown hair, with light highlights and waves at the end of it. She was wearing a light pink blouse with flowers and matching pants. Finally, a pair of dark pink sandals.

She's beautiful… Stop it, Ross, you don't even know the girl!

You're right, head…

Then I realized that I was staring at the young woman, smiling shyly, and that I hadn't entered the room yet. I felt my cheeks burn. I hope she hasn't noticed.

— Hi, my name is Ross… What's yours? - I get her attention.

— Wow… - She says quietly and turns red. And I thought I was pretty red. — I mean, my name isn't “wow”, it's Amanda, haha…

— Can I sit next to you? - I ask and she, now Amanda, nods and smiles a little. — I'm sorry I've only asked you questions so far, but are you shy?

She laughs at my question and nods.

— I'm very shy. I don't know how I'm talking to you, really. I should have run.

— What if we talked a bit to get to know each other? And I'm sorry if I disturbed your sleep.

— That's fine. No need to apologize… I was just about to wake up. - We smiled a little. — I-I'm not very interesting, no. I'm eighteen, I'm from Belo Horizonte, I'm the youngest in the family, I study, I have pet birds, that's all…

— Well, I'm eighteen, I'm American, but I live here, I'm an only child, I also only study, I don't have any animals…

She widens her eyes.

— American without an accent? Wow. Oh, sorry…

— It's all right. Yeah, people are even fascinated when I say I'm American, they think I'm an alien. My whole family is from there, actually. My parents moved here when they were young, built a life here too, and on a trip there, I was born. But I was raised here and whenever I can, I go to Colorado to visit my grandparents, uncles, cousins, some childhood friends…

— Again: Wow. But… Sorry, what's your name again? Sorry, I'm still sleepy, haha.

— Ross. No problem. - I wink at her and smile.

— Ross, you speak Portuguese very well! It's great that your family is from there! You must have given them a hard time on the trip, haha…

I saw the girl I'd just met go from shy to excited and I felt good. She just needed a little push.

—Nah. They say to this day that I was a gift in the right place at the right time. I love my trips to Littleton. I always have a great time, even for a few days. The only thing that bothers me a bit is that some relatives turn up their noses when my father, mother or I talk about here…

I feel her touch my hand, comforting me, and I even look again to see if it's true.

— Don't mind them. Belo Horizonte is a great place. It's no wonder your parents chose to live here. - She smiles at me.

— Another thing that other people find strange is that I mix Portuguese and English on a daily basis. But I think it's cool. Of course, my parents taught me both languages. For example, I only speak English with my uncles, grandparents, etc. With my friends here, only Portuguese. Then, with my parents, either one hour we're in English and then in Portuguese, or half the sentence is in each language. It's like a SAP key.

— That’s so good, actually! It’s so hard to find someone who could speaks English to me. But someone who speaks both languages and that's foreigner, is way better!

— That’s really impressive, Amanda! I’d love to speak to you sometimes...ugh...in English...or in Portuguese too! I didn't mean I won’t talk to you in any way, it would be stupid…

WHAT AM I TALKING?! STOP TALKING, YOU IDIOT!

— Relax, blondie! It’s okay. - She holds my hand, seeing my nervousness and smiles. I don't think that's going to help very much. Even my ears have turned red.

— But even so, anyone I meet thinks I'm from Mars… I guess that's part of living in another country.

— I don't think you're strange, you're cute… I-I mean, it's good to speak both languages. In fact, if you were an alien, you'd be cute… F-Forget it!

I turn towards the door and see the teachers, but I can't help but smile and laugh a bit when I look at my side. I laughed because as well as being beautiful, my new acquaintance was cute too! After a while, more people arrived. There was an explanation of what the subject would be, I met more people from the class and continued talking to Amanda. We said goodbye after three classes and one thought stayed in my head:

I'm not going to give up on getting to know more about her any time soon.

[novemberdevils]

they are also putting a lot of trust in all the social media people who totally have access to their instagram accounts to not just open their messages. oopsies let's pretend i didn't just open that plothole until i decide if i want to actually do something with it have someone hack one of their accounts and post all of the messages and me and you can sit and drink tea and coffee and watch everyone losing it, THEY'LL TALK ABOUT IT EVENTUALLY! WHEN!!! I fear Ferrari winning irl is more achievable than them sitting down and talking, Things. i'm doing Things. don't worry about it mum pick me up im scared, but it did remind me i should include the drivers' dinner speaking of including things will you include the gala? I was watching it today and kept thinking about the embarrassing stuff they both could do, also btw you talking about word count made me curious about who has the most word counts in nicojack fics and surprise surprise it’s you 🥳; and just shy of having the first spot in any fic that has jack as a character-10,889 exactly-; and the most words ever in Hockey RPF is 480,949 so do it for the shits and giggles, but i do think jack's character here in this fic is more of a home is people person than a home is a place person. This is the worst and best type because if you don’t find those people you will always feel like you are walking on the wrong leg, TELL ME ABOUT IT I think I mentioned I live alone and the closest person to me is my brother and his wife and even then they are like 5 hours away on a train and the rest of my family are scattered across the globe so there those days where I just regret living so far away, like fun fact you'll see it in ch4 but i wrote this thing where it was clear that Someone was lying to jack about something bc only one of the things he was being told could possibly be true, but i didn't actually decide which of them was lying and Why they were lying until like midway through writing monaco lmao it is just like that sometimes. Yeah I had a whole breakdown about it and thinking back I may have overreacted a bit oops but HOW CAN YOU TEASE THAT THERE IS A REASON TELL ME NOWWWWWWW, it's late and i'm exhausted and i'm rambling forgive me but i will keep going soz please ramble I love rambling I love talking-im actually the shyest person if I wasn’t around people I feel comfortable-, jack having a praise kink fork found in the kitchen, he will wilt without it I just had the most absurd image of jack being a plant and nico going to him be like you are doing great growing those flowers and im crying laughing rn, zak brown hires twinks and i will keep saying that. He fucking does every time im like he can’t find another twink he goes and find one, PLEASE THE LOGAN HELMUT HATE FUCKING PISSED ME OFF; like if we can let other drivers have their fucking flags and have some controversial designs we can absolutely be ok with a helmet having an American flag, no because going to be honest I usually hate the patriotic Americans because they have always rubbed me the wrong way but I remember texting my f1 friends be like fuck yeah let’s go America I love him and have adopted him, as a non American like his accent can’t be that present still??? I wish it was me because my accent is a mess even in writing I will mix minimum seven different ways pf spelling stuff, one of the only things in my sketchy ass outline is that jack crashes in miami. i was planning that All Along. for the narratives. hehe I hate you.

hello anon i hope you're feeling better!! I AM!!! Thank you for asking and oops sorry for the late answer, OMG CONGRATS ON FINISHING YOUR FINALS🥳🥳 I have always hated that period of finals that im always thankful it’s in the past now-not really I have stupidly decided that I actually want to have a diploma in another major when I have graduated not that long ago-, he's allowed to contradict himself. as he said himself, nothing that he said was untrue! Humans contradict themselves every day and his actually make sense so it was a good thing you left it; it made him feel more human rather than a written character, the quinn-jack relationship is a wee bit complicated i guess? Oh yeah I have Thoughts especially during that phone call they made me miss my own siblings and called them was like hi your youngest sibling miss you and every single one without a fail asked me if I need money-I work and have a stable income- but I mean they asked what was I going to say noo older siblings I don’t need money? I said yeah the joys of being the youngest, Jack Can You Please Have Some Self-Confidence train how does a person get on this train? Because I need three tickets for me and bestie lex and boyfriend nico, STOP TEASING MONACO!! You’re the most Evil person and I hate you for teasing stuff, have i already posted the scene where jack essentially says the same thing? about how they all have to be insane to drive race cars? Yeah I do remember that scene but I tgink it actually happened twice? One where he was telling quinn that of they weren’t insane no one would drive the cars and the other unfortunately I have no idea when it happened but I think it was when jack threw the condom or when he was getting choked but don’t quote me on that, PLEASE MIAMI IS ALWAYS A MESS and it was 23 when max was 9 and kmag of everyone was third or fourth, honestly indy drivers go to the media and tell that they want to puck a driver every other race; but it was hilarious seeing everyone kinda lose it like get it boys I love for the drama, the fuck you scene-Yes I will be calling it that- is genuinely something I reread at least once every other day it’s SO SO well written like no words are enough to make you understand how much I love that scene-English is failing me as it does every time I want to complement someone making me look like a stupid person who doesn’t know shit I hate this-, honestly I know I nag about this but the not talking adds a more layer to all of their mess and I like it, omg could you even imagine nico sitting jack down and being like hey you can say a safe word jack would get up and fucking crash them both next race and then telling the media this is me telling everyone that I HATE hischier.

Okay I love you now once again my anger has lessened but stop teasing Monaco and make them get together and every important conversation happens in a hallway and I will never hate you.

i'm gonna do a red white and royal blue on them and leak all of their emails. jk. i have no concrete plans about that plothole even now so we're just going to keep not touching it

uhhh my answer remains to be Eventually. and i have no recollection of precisely what the "things" i was doing when i wrote that answer were but i am still doing Things i know that much! maybe they are the same Things. who knows, it's only the inside of my own head. i have not yet decided about the gala... i know in basics how i want the fic to end but not exactly When. i mean i have some time to figure it out before i get there lmao but the gala is something i will add to my thoughts rotation. my beautiful stupid idiot word count omg this fic is infinite but it's okay i love it so i can forgive the nonsense. if the chapter count ever changes before it's done will you all pretend it didn't pretty please

yeah that vagueing was absolutely about the "did luke actually tell nico he wanted to apologize to jack or not" thing. the answer to who was lying is in a monaco scene i've already written... it hit me like a brick when i started writing monaco like OH yeah that should be why it happens like that. when i made it apparent that Someone was lying i had no idea who it was going to be. but i figured it out! the plot thickens. and thickens and thickens and thickens and thickens

mclaren twink party. shoutout uh. lundgaard. i could talk about logan sargeant probably forever?? he was my guy. with all one of his formula 1 points. logan i miss you </3 i still want him in an indycar seat one of these days but who knows what he will do with his life i will just be over here. with all the sargeant-branded merch i already own. and arguably the 3 american races have more outline than any of the other races oops! that and like. the last few. the end of the fic has always been clearer to me than any of the middle, and we are going to be in my un-outlined middle for a while. no plans all vibes. best way to write a fanfiction trust me i would know

thank you thank you finals week finals weeked and then i was working and doing a bunch of nothing now i'm like. sitting in my bed at home. it's a great time. university is Great i'm going to be here 5ever because i changed my major this past semester... and it was my third year in the major i was already doing... so like. Yeah. the creative writing to aviation major pipeline doesn't exist i created it

that's enough about me! thank you for the thoughts on jack's many ways of contradicting himself, sometimes i feel weird about it i think because characters Are often written to be more perfect than actual humans? idk it feels like something people could read and be like "this doesn't make any sense he said x before and now he's saying y?" but like Yeah people do that all the time. i do that. so i'm glad i left it like that, and i'm sure jack will contradict himself again at some point before the fic is done lol. he's a very complicated guy to write

i'm the younger sibling out of two so most of what i write in sibling relationships is at least a little bit projecting - i don't have a younger sibling though, so i arguably project more onto the quinn-jack side of things, which is maybe why it is the way that it is. not that my older sister is a retired NASCAR driver or anything. but yknow. vibes and all that. i will never stop teasing monaco muahahaha i have not enough plans about when ch5 is gonna end soooo things are happening that is all i know for certain

race car driver insanity is real and in all honesty it will Likely come up again at some point. in all of the fic i have left to write. who knows. shoutout to jack throwing a condom on the floor idk what led me to writing that scene like that but i have officially opened That rabbit hole and now i get the pleasure of dealing with it for the rest of the fic. fucking. crazy person. jesus christ. and i knew it was 23 because i was like. max won that race and iirc lando won this past season? miami doing miami things. that race happened while i was working in disney so i did not watch it but i remember talking to a guy on race day while i was at work who was wearing a mclaren shirt so i was like. i am sure you are having a good day (on working in disney, a lot of f1 merch out and about, and it was mostly checo. so i'm sure they're all having great times Now)

yay i'm glad you like the fuck you scene (good name) i was getting self-concious about it at the end like did i make him say 'fuck you' too many times LMAO but it was in the cards. jack is just Like That. and the Not Talking layer is a very important one... they will communicate eventually i Promise all will be revealed (or at least most) at some point but right now they are still going to be stupid. i'm gonna. i have plans. Trust. yeah if nico asked jack about a safe word i think he would leave. like. the reality that they're doing anything safe word-worthy with each other would probably kill him

hallways are a very important space to them for some reason. i could probably make something out of that even if it was originally intended as like. idk convenience? i purposely didn't have them in a bed until miami because of the way it feels more like a commitment than just getting pinned to the wall so it kind of always ended up being the door or the wall next to the door or something. dw we unlock a new space in monaco. you can probably guess what it is based on Context Clues

[velvetsands]

idk i’m in this weird place. like i have come to the realisation that i’ve never actively chosen the objectively easy path in my life however all of those paths have been relatively easy when compared to others. and now i look back and go oh wow yeah but… others had it worse. but that shouldn’t change my experience…

i worked extremely hard during honours in a prestigious lab which made me a highly sought after graduate. i moved interstate alone at a young age because i wanted more in life. no friends or family for support, and yet found my feet. i navigated truly awful supervisors and friends who turned out to be not so nice after all. not once but twice. holding space and love for my brother who is an addict/recovering alcoholic. loving and supporting my sister as she completed one of the hardest degrees in the world to pursue her dreams of architecture. i secured the best phd project with best supervisor which yielded the best results to produce a potentially world changing patent. presenting nationally and abroad to some of the biggest giants in my field - and being formally recognised for my talent. doing lifesaving saved the way i interact with my own life. swimming at 6am. climbing the world’s tallest free-standing mountain. being 100% secure with my long-distance relationship for over a year now. enough to now move interstate again and most likely internationally in the near future. none of this can be really perceived as easy. and some of this is luck but it’s also time to realise that my personal perseverance, resilience, work ethic and general demeanour/outlook play a considerable part too.

i have been absolutely honoured to receive the support and encouragement and indeed love from so many people near and far this week. it was once my worst fear to be perceived however maybe it’s not so bad after all. people really like me and will seem to miss my presence. it warms my heart. i have been careless in my vulnerability to them too because they deserve to know how much they mean to me. my colleague’s dad(!) made me a whole kilogram of fried rice because he knew how much i liked it. like wow.

today is the first day that i realised that all my needs are being met. like truly 100% met. and it’s indescribable.

thank you universe for letting me walk in the light.

[your-sweet-cookies]

📁📁📁

Send me a 📁 for a small random headcanon about my muse

📂Kukki has a huge fear of thunderstorms. It dates back from a traumatizing event when she was little. One time her parents got stuck working late after hours, so she was all alone home by herself when a really nasty thunderstorm took place and the electricity went out too. Poor thing had to stay in utter darkness, all alone and scared while hearing the scary loud sounds of the roaring storm outside for what must've been hours. Now as an adult, if a nasty thunderstorm takes place, she's at risk of having panic attacks.

📂She was severely bullied in secondary school (and a bit in high school too) and things hit their worst peak around 6th grade, until there was a certain 'incident' that changed Kukki forever. That marked the moment when she finally stood up for herself, fighting back and never let a bully hurt or torment her ever again. It was the moment when she also made her oath of her vendetta against bullies to make them pay for what they do to innocent vulnerable victims like she used to be.

📂Funny enough, despite it now being one of her most distinctive traits, Kukki used to hate her hair originally because it was one of the 'reasons' she was bullied for. Her original hair color was black and she used to have it really long. Being naturally pretty, of course that was something which drew in the jealousy of the mean girls in her class, causing her to get picked on quite often. After the 'incident' in 6th grade, her hair became very short and she sported it like that until late into her highschool years. After graduation, since she wanted to turn a new page in her life and leave the past behind, Kukki decided to dye her hair silver (maybe symbolically expressing the deep scars left by her past traumas, since there's actually a well known syndrome that can occur when a person goes through an extremely traumatic event, which makes their hair turn instantly white. i.e. Kaneki Ken in Tokyo Ghoul) and since she slowly reverted back to a more feminine look, she also let it grow back to a longer length.

[kpophubb]

Hi lovely ☀️, how’s your Monday ?

I see you have being posting that you are not doing good mentally , I am worried :/ you can always talk to me about anything that bothers you , uk. Just write a kinda ���️

Sorry I feel disconnected , it’s so hard to provide for myself with no additional financial support :( and this job , they always find some new ways to deduct smth from my payslip 💔

I slept 4h tday , and I feel so not working tday ., such a hard zombie day for me.. I hope you are doing better ?

I wanted to share a new song with you , I like the lyrics and it’s so smoothing (?) let me know if you like it

Also hv u seen txt Comeback,? Your thoughts ?

What’s up with your life now dear ?

I wish you a good week , have a good rest & get better , I’m here if u need me 🧡💛🧡

🐁

Hi hi my 🐁 anonie !! 😘🤍 BEEN A LONG TIME WE LAST TALKED?😭 I’m so happy to get another sweet ask from you. First of all, happy jungwon day 🎉🎂🎁🎈🎊😽

♡…first of all I’m really sorry for the late reply. You sent this on Monday and it’s Thursday already, I’m so sorry I was at my nana’s place and didn’t check tumblr for that while. :(

♡…second of all yeah.., I’m not doing very great atm😓 emotionally or physically. It’s okay please DONOT worry about me or stop talking about your rants just bc you feel like you’re disturbing me and being one sided. I know people who love to help others like you have this tendency, they shut out if they feel like they’re taking too much from someone without giving anything in return! Well i always disappear when I’m feeling bad, bc I like to deal w my mood swings alone but one thing I can tell you is that I have severe levels of social anxiety😓 which makes me really unable to maintain interaction/communication/relationship with people. Well..a lot happened and that caused this problem with me and so, even replying on tumblr, posting fics, answering asks and dms seem so overwhelming to me since the past few weeks. I can’t even open this app OR ANY OTHER APP, just any sort of interaction frightens and drains me so much 💔 it’s not w the people, or the way they talk to me it’s just me and 99% of the times my anxiety and fear that cause me to ghost people and just disappear sigh.

♡…but don’t worry, it’s not that bad cause I don’t mind being away from people, in fact I love it in a sense bc I like spending time with myself so much and it’s honestly very healing. 🤲🏻 🤍

♡… oh anonie everytime I hear about you having a hard time it really pains my heart :( cause you’re so dear to me. 💔 that sounds so rough I wish I could help you in any way and make it all magically better for you! Job life experience seems so hellish I hear so many people talk about it. Maybe I’ll be able to understand you better when I enter that life myself and earn to provide for my self, but that isn’t until I’m 24-25 when I graduate my bachelors program so yeah. I really hope god makes everything better for you, my love. I’ll be sure to include you in my sincere prayers.💗

♡… oh no 4 hours really seem so tiring and exhausting!😭 anonie I hope you can sleep better in the upcoming days! Being zombie sucks I know, I was zombie yesterday. I came back from a 5 hour car journey with the worst kinda sunny weather, so I was so sick 🤢 I passed out before 10 pm and woke up at 5:58 am today so I can tell I had an amazing sleep 🤲🏻

♡… new song huh?🤩 born again, okay I’ll be sure to listen to it. Also here’s a song suggestion by me that I feel like you’d love, it’s my current fav. It’s “skeletons” by Keshi! Also about txt, I don’t listen to their music unfortunately. Sadly, our music taste doesn’t align, that is exactly why I don’t Stan them. I just love them and their personalities a lot!!

♡… my life is so-so rn but I’m still so so grateful for everything I have! My life is still loaded with many many blessings so I’m always thankful for where I am, who I am and what I have! ✨ anonie, know that you can always talk to me too and I really cherish and love you. 🥺💜 life will get better please do not stress and look at the bright side no matter how small it is. Sometimes even being alive is a gift we should cherish. Cause as long as you wake up, everyday is a new chance. 🌟

𝕴 𝕷𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝖄𝖔𝖚 𝕾𝖔 𝕸𝖚𝖈𝖍

[the-ladyrae]

Honestly, I just started directly asking my friends. It wasn't easy, but it helped a little.

I used to just get that feeling and start to over correct whatever behavior I projected the perceived negative emotions were directed at.

I remember there was one time specifically where I literally stopped texting my best friend, stopped asking to hang out, did cancel our 6 years running new years tradition, and tried to not go to his birthday. Because I convinced myself he was mad at me for being too clingy. We went to colleges 2 hours apart, and I told myself he made new friends in the 4 years since we'd graduated high school and moved apart for college. Better friends that wouldn't drag him down the way I do. That he's just being nice still dragging me around, but clearly, it's only out of pity.

I built this full narrative in my head that my best friend not only was mad at me but fully no longer loved me. That I was nothing more than an inconvenience to him that he only still speaks to out of obligation. So I stopped initiating contact as much as I could, I started replying shorter and directly to the point if I responded at all. The more distance I created, the more I used that distance to validate my assumptions:

1). It can't all be in my head I see it clear as day we lost our snap streak and aren't each other's number 1 best friend anymore (I had intentionally watched the streak expire because I was overwhelmed by the responsibility of keeping it, and assumed he must be as well so I set a rule about never allowing the streak to go past the initiative 3 day notification)

2). He missed New years. Why would he agree to skip our tradition (it was Dec. 2020-Jan. 2021, and I canceled citing pandemic reasons and suggested we do a zoom PowerPoint night instead... and then I torpedoed the zoom gathering because I thought it was too desperate and pathetic to demand time he could be spending with his wife, especially when we aren't actually seeing each other in person)

All of that just kind of came to a head on his birthday. He'd sent me the invite, I confirmed 3 times that he actually wanted me there. I was in one of the worst depressive lows of my life because I was also giving all of my other friends, family, and my girlfriend at the time the avoidance treatment.

I really needed to see my friend.

I wanted to see my friend, even if that little voice in the back of my head was telling me that this would be the last birthday we spend together. That he's just trying to let me down easy. I still went.

Nearly first thing, he asked me how I'm doing, and confronted me about being so distant for the past few months.

I broke down sobbing and told the truth. That I figured he hated me now that he has new friends and I only serve as an inconvenience in his life. He let me cry, let me explain my logic and reasoning, and waited for me to fully vent my frustrations before responding.

Then he gave me a hug and said he was sorry that I felt like I had to go through that alone. He didn't deny any of my points or get angry with me for assuming, just said, "I hate it when your brain does that, but I could never hate you." He asked if I was taking my medication regularly, I wasn't. He asked why I wasn't taking them, I was in a creative major in college and I couldn't make my brain work through the pills to a degree that would give me a satisfying result on any of my class projects. He helped me write down some symptom notes and make an appointment with my psychiatrist to rebalance my meds. He told me that he was glad to have me in his life, that he loves me, and that he'll do a better job of checking in.

This entire exchange took less than 20 minutes, and I doubt he even remembers it. The fears I had been building up for months like a snowball rolling down a mountain, stopped and melted by a single external force.

And the anxiety didn't go away immediately once the fear was gone, but he followed through. For the next 2 months if we went more than a couple days without talking I'd get a : "How are you doing?", "Mandatory mental health update time. How you doing?", "Proof of life?" Text to keep me from spiraling too far again.

I've, in the last year, stopped taking my medication intentionally. It was just a never-ending cycle of symptom management, and a lot of the trials made things worse. I may return in the future, but for now, I'm trying to get to know my mental landscape as a fully developed adult without the pharmaceutical intervention. The manic weeks still happen. The depression weeks happen more. The anxiety remains an ever present all consuming white noise in the background of both. But if I get the idea in my head that a friend is mad at me, I ask them immediately and directly: "Are you mad at me?" Most times, the answer is no, and they validate my feelings, explain their behavior or situation, and we move on. Sometimes, the answer is yes, and we now have an open dialog to resolve the issue. Regardless, I now rarely wind up alienating myself from my support system simply because I'm in a mental state where I need support.

Nurodivergence is more than just ADHD and Autism. And Bipolar is more than just the happy sads disorder.

lmfao

[le-venter]

OMG HI TUMBLR I AM DESPERATE NOW I THINK

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I guess this is a call for help and advice more than it is to vent. Here we go...

I graduated with a BFA in 2D animation almost two years ago at this point. My plan ever since I was really young was to get an animation degree and learn pre-production, get a job abroad and figure it out from there. It was a plan that was doable and straightforward and I'd been working towards it since I was 15.

I was in my final (nightmare) semester when the layoffs began, and it hasn't been any better since then.

A lot of personal tragedies happened in my life that affected me and my family deeply. I was alone again since all my friends had left the city after college. I started going to therapy and got diagnosed with depression and ADHD, both of which I have been dealing with ever since (got on ADHD meds recently! I hope they work). I only just got a proper handle on my grief and am managing to now somehow move forward.

I've been job hunting for a year and a half, all applications coming back as rejections, since I'm a fresher with no experience. There are barely any jobs in my field to begin with where I live, forget the US and the rest of the world. They all don't pay much, and they definitely don't pay enough for me to move out. Illustration jobs haven't been any better.

Generative AI has been actively making things worse. I have a lot of not very nice words to say about it, but I'm trying my best to stay on topic. All the jobs that I ever worked towards and made plans for have begun to disappear and be replaced by AI, making my life even harder than it already was.

I see a LOT of graphic design jobs, but I don't know heads or tails about it even , and I have a fear that if I take those jobs, I'll get stuck in that loop and never escape. I've met older artists that this has happened to and who have been trying to break out of that field ever since. It scares me deeply.

It sucks that my skill set is all creative work, and all of that is being shut down because of AI.

Networking isn't something I'm particularly comfortable with, but I've been trying to actively go for any art, comic and animation events to try to meet people and try to make connections while meeting artists. Nothing has come from it so far.

Posting online currently is a NIGHTMARE, and as someone who never had any interest in creating an online following and has basically no audience, it's even worse since I have to start from scratch. With an AI scraping my work if I don't nightshade it. It feels like a really awful time for artists online in general right now too, and makes me want to post even LESS than I already do.

I've never wanted to be an entrepreneur or business owner, I just wanted to be an artist. I've never seen myself going into total self employment; it's terrifying and stressful for someone like me who can barely focus most of the time.

I have no interest anymore in getting into animation in the country where I live; it's treated like cheap labour at every turn, and even the people passionate about it who start companies/collectives try to keep it really closed off and exclusive. Applying to them never gets any replies and I've even had professors tell me not even bother with those studios since they're not interested in hiring, unless you're a prodigy or something.

My worst experience so far was with a director of one of these bigger studios whom I met at an event a few months ago. After waiting for hours and FINALLY getting a chance with talk to him one-on-one, I tried to ask him for advice and showed him some of my comic work. He didn't even bother to listen to anything I had to say; he just told me that my work wasn't the "cream of the crop" and that I clearly "didn't want it enough", and so he would never hire me. He ignored me for the rest of the time I was there. His head artist (who got in through connections, as she had proudly stated earlier) told me not to feel bad, and that maybe a different studio, 'studio-that-is-known-to-exploit-workers', MIGHT take me if I worked harder.

I've been disillusioned and uninterested in trying ever since.

The only reason my parents ever even let me follow my dreams in the first place is because I worked my ass off and proved to them that there IS employment and there ARE opportunities in this field. That I knew what I was doing.

I knew what I was doing for the longest time.

But now?

Every plan I ever made has been shattered. Every alternative I've tried has ended badly. All my dreams feel like they've been smashed to pieces.

I've been floating almost aimlessly for a while now.

The only option that I feel like I have at this point is to pursue a master's degree, which my mom is thrilled about. B it means going abroad, most probably to the US, which I think is pretty unsafe for me (and most people, oof) right now.

And it means scholarships. My last semester basically tanked my entire GPA since the professor wasn't interested in me or my work, and would tell me quite awful things and pass them off as jokes while grading me poorly on the side. The worst thing they told me, for context, is that I had "predicted" the passing of my close relative with my semester project. It had been 3 days since they had passed at that point.

I don't actually WANT to get a master's degree, especially right now (I always wanted to do it after I worked for a few years and on my own dime), but everyone seems so excited for it and I don't know what to do. I suppose that worst case it could delay my problems for another 2 years or so, but it's REALLY expensive and I shouldn't do it if my heart isn't in it.

But I feel like don't have any other options. My dad tells me to start my own business. My mom wants me to do my master's. I feel like a failure and everyone else I know seems to be thriving, getting jobs and doing well with masters.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I've been trying to figure out a solution for MONTHS now, and everyone I turn to has neither had an answer nor any helpful advice. It's like life is trying to get me to quit, and is making things worse and worse.

TL, DR - I got an animation degree and haven't gotten any jobs since I graduated, and now I don't see any options besides getting a master's, which I don't actually want to do.

Any and all genuine advice is great. I don't know if anyone is going to see this, but I'd be grateful for any words at all right now. Thank you.

[cyanicus-journal]

I was looking for news about the weather and stumbled upon a local news site, and found out that one of my worst bullies in high school was recently arrested for speeding / driving without a license. I hate that reading about it actually made me feel happy and almost vindictive, because that isn't who I am. But she was a terrible person to me and probably to others as well, so part of me was glad that karma finally caught up with her.

I shared a gym class with her, and she was always trying to find some way to hurt me during class by throwing projectiles at me or hitting me with rackets or hockey sticks or whatever we were using that day (a lot of the times she would even be trying to do so after class ended). Every time I looked over at her, she was glaring at me or whispering to someone while looking over at me. She and her friends would follow closely behind me whenever I walked to class and made fun of me (I couldn't hear what they were saying but I could hear them laughing and see them pointing and staring). During emergency drills where everyone was crammed into a tight space and could barely move, she would intentionally follow behind me so that she could do things like kick me and pull my hair during the drill, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was a quiet kid who barely spoke, and I had never even said two words to her or her friends, so I don't know what I ever did to make them hate me so much. But this went on for four years and never got resolved. Teachers were apathetic, and counselors told me that all they could do was talk to her- but I begged them not to because I didn't want her to know I told on her or potentially make things worse, so they did nothing. They wouldn't even let me switch classes I shared with her. I was afraid to walk alone in hallways because of her, I was afraid that she and her friends might try and hurt me if nobody else was around- there were instances where I'd see them in empty hallways or in the vacant commons area and I would hide to avoid them. I was miserable, especially because they weren't the only bullies I had to deal with.

Even now, all this time after graduating, I still have a lingering fear that I'll run into these people whenever I leave the house. So I didn't feel too bad when I saw one of the worst of them on the list of arrests. In fact, I found myself hoping that more things like this will happen to them, but I actually hate feeling that way. I feel bitter about not being helped during that difficult time, angry that they got away with so much and that my own friends weren't supportive- and were seemingly entertained by what I was going through (but that's another story).

[lovebugmusings]

I just want to let you know I and my three best friends in college did not have a single date/hookup all four years. We were so scared we were unlovable. We all eventually realized we were our own worst enemies. Holding ourselves back because of a fear of rejection. Took a lot of growth and pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones but we're now in our late twenties and are all in committed relationships. It'll be okay. ❤️

I've tried reaching out and I know the worst thing that can happen is they say no but that didn't stop me from crying at work for two days after being rejected lmao.

I even tried dating apps and things but I think it's not the fear of rejection, it's the fear/knowledge that nobody wants to even bother wasting their time on me, that I'm not even worth that.

it doesn't help that most of my friend group (of 5) are couples (2 pairs of 2, plus my childhood best friend who has done the dating and hooking up thing). hell even when we throw in of of my friends younger brother's I'm the only virgin and only person without an ex!! not even the shitty high school ex!!

I've done some very surface level research into it but oh boy the number that gets done on mental health when you don't get asked out even in school. one classmate drunkenly texted me he liked me after we graduated but that's. it. first kiss at 20 that I barely remember from how drunk I was. nobody wants to go on dates with me. oh I did have a guy ask for my number while I was at work which was not the time nor place even if I was interested. plus I was barely 19

all in all I've resigned myself to dying alone and unloved. I have my cats so that's fine