#me get through a lot as someone who has body dysmorphia

[zilodak]

Selin is so so pretty. You draw her in a beautiful way. You can tell a lot about her just with your art and she's wonderful. Some people are just mad cause they can't stand a beautiful woman with a double chin ig

Thank you! I used to be super aware of my soft jawline and double chin but drawing her has helped me grow indifferent about it immensely. And I can only hope that when people see my characters they feel safe knowing that that it's okay to look like the way that you or they look, and that you're not taking up space.

[spiderfreedom]

I honestly owe detrans people, and especially detrans women, so much, because reading about their experiences has taught me a lot about... well, everything? About myself and my own trauma re: femaleness, autism. About the factors that lead people to transition. About resilience and moving forward and making a life for yourself in a world where there's no space for you.

Some of my favorite writings from detrans people:

somenuancepls (Michelle Alava, active on substack) has multiple great posts, especially on resilience and growth for detrans people. I recommend "Actually I was just crazy the whole time" (on the mindset that leads medical transition to be viewed as a panacea), "We Shouldn't Have to Be Here" (on how detrans people are expected to act as martyrs) and "Let's Talk About How We Talk About Detransition" (on how to ethically and compassionately talk about transition and detransition without harming (de)/transitioners).

destroyyourbinder (no longer active) has so many amazing posts that I really can't list them all, but "Unriddling the Sphinx: Autism and the Magnetism of Gender Transition" was genuinely revelatory for me as a gender non-conforming autistic woman. (It also kinda sent me spiraling for a few days so if you are also an autistic gnc, read with caution)

funkypsyche has been writing a lot about 'woke' culture in a way I don't agree with, but "The Archetypal FTM Sensitive, Quirky, Artistic Weird Girls" (on the type of people attracted to transmasc identification and the ways society fails them - do you see also see yourself in this list?) is a good read. As a supplement, there is "The History of Tumblr: Gender and Woke Indoctrination, Video Essay", and if you can get through the parts about, well, 'woke indoctrination', it provides a perspective on tumblr and its relationship to mental illness and gender. You do not realize how much mental illness is normalized and glorified on tumblr until you see someone explaining it from the outside and you go "huh, I did not realize that happens and that I do that, too..."

Max Robinson wrote "Detransition: Beyond, Before, and After", the only academic text on detransition to my knowledge. An in depth view on factors influencing transition such as lesbophobia, and the relationship between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia and how the latter is treated as frivolous and vain while the former is treated as profound and serious.

And there are a lot of tweets I've collected I can't really link here, there are many detransitioners on Twitter. I really do recommend reading a broad variety of detransitioned people, detrans women and men. Even read people who retrans like CrashChaosChats, who once wrote on detransition but then retransitioned after finding that she was unable to deal with dysphoria. If you actually care about dysphoric people, trans people, and detrans people, you need to read broadly to understand the full range of reasons people transition or detransition or retransition.

Feel free to reblog with your additions of writings by detrans people, or people you follow on Twitter or other social media if they don't have long-form content.

[that-trans-lad]

Wow you started transitioning at 13 ?! So before entirely figuring out your own sexual orientation … as someone who could have transitioned and who ended up being just a masculine adult dyke, someone who as a teenager had dysphoria (not strong enough that I actually wanted a penis tho) and dysmorphia that were linked to a poor mental health, this is where it get scary tbh. In many ways when medical transitioning happens too young it can be a form of conversion therapy without realising it. Changing body while young in a world where homosexuality is still judged negatively (if not worst) raises red flags at the medical staff letting it happen. I’m not saying you ultimately are anything else than happy right now, I’m saying people should not begin HRT nor have top surgery before they’re 18. I rejected my body so much back then (granted, many teens regardless of dysphoria experience that, which ppl tend to forget), I started loving it through the realisation that women could love it.

I’m hearing a lot of personal experience and not alot of actual facts. Here’s a fact for you 90% of people who transition young report increased life satisfaction with less then 1% regretting there transition let me repeat that for you LESS THEN 1% regret there transition. Do not assume a transition is instantaneous it is strenuous millions go through years of therapy to gain access to hormone therapy don’t get me started the hoops and bounds you jump through to obtain access to surgery.

I’m sorry you based your life on the love of others but that is not why people transition. And further more It is not scary you’re just misguided early recognition and support can truly salvage an extremely difficult life, aging into a body that does not match with who they are inside.

This is the comment that floors me because you wish to share your opinion but your uneducated on what being transgender even is, it’s like showing up to a debate about womans rights then your argument is that the grass is blue. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with why I transitioned? I transitioned for myself and not based on who else loved me but based on loving myself.

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Jang Wonyoung Perspective Reading

Disclaimer: No facts, just interpretation of the cards and messages I get.

I still wanted to get through my favorite male Kpop idols before I dive into any girl group members, but she was on my radar and she is known as a controversial Kpop figure, be it good or bad, she is talked about and sought after, so thought I get to her. So, of course the song Barbie Girl by Aqua came up for me. On the surface she can be depicted as such. In Korea she is the standard of what people would like to look like whether you agree or not. I do feel there could be more to her story. I hope it isn't as creepy as I think it may be, but we'll see, now to the cards.

Okay, well, this may go the route I was expecting. There is a lot of shame and guilt she feels. She got both the cards of gilded regret and down cast pride. This could be due to hate comments she gets. She may also get comments by people around her that make her feel like shit. Now with the is this me card, she doesn't particularly know who she is. Has she got plastic surgery? It is like she has no sense of self and maybe looks at herself and doesn't know who she is. She is molded to how they wanted her to be. Man, the Barbie Girl reference makes even more sense. She is just confused as to who she really is. There are things she has regretting doing and that she feels shame in. Now with this Bride in a Cage card, the person on the card is rather thin and frail, kind of a shell of themselves, practically dead inside. She may never feel good enough. I am getting the message body dysmorphia from the card, just the messenger, not saying she has it. It is like she thinks about is this really the direction I want to go. She has kind of morphed into their puppet is what I am getting. It is like she is a clone of herself. Who she was she isn't anymore and who she is now, she isn't sure, like she asks herself who am I? What do I think? She isn't sure.

There is like an inner battle with herself. This unwillingness to accept part of herself, probably more so her flaws. She fights anything that goes against her image, not sure what that means exactly. I can also see this card as people fighting for her attention. She prefers the solitude and being alone away from all the distractions. She can pretty much be a loner. There is a secure base she has made for herself, to keep her safe, she does her best to keep to her image. She does not want to fail, look weak, or show any cracks. There is a sense of forgiveness she has for others for maybe what they have done or said to her. I say she is more forgiving to them then maybe herself. Well, the card I didn't want to come out, but was expecting to come out was the traumatized card and that came out. I got hints of this in the Dark Mirror reading. She dealt with some sort of trauma, now is it the mean comments, the surgery she may have to go through, or some sort of abuse, not sure I want to go there. She is trying not to get angry, upset or frustrated about what has been done to her, but to rise above and keep her cool. I have to take deep breaths during this reading, because I am getting what I expected and I wanted to be wrong, now I still can be, but energetically, something is off here. I just want to say when someone gets traumatized, they tend to dissociate to help move on and not relive the past or situation. Like I am getting that wasn't me, that was someone else, this is kind of a coping strategy, this is what I am sensing, no facts.

Okay, love these cards here. I wanted to see a bit more positivity here. She has a strong divine feminine energy. Is she follows her intuition and connect with her spirituality and use her creative energy she can very move through this and gain success in her own right. She may be already doing this. She seems to be spiritually guided and protected at the moment that can help guide her in the right direction. There is something good for her to come out of her terrible past and things she may have faced. As long as she keeps kindness in her heart and communicates from the heart and does not allow this to harden her or make her into a villain, so what I am getting is you know how victims can being villains and repeat the cycle. This tells her to keep kindness within her, so she doesn't turn into that in whatever form that it would be for her. Like she can go on a path to being very nasty and cruel to others, possibly a bully, but she doesn't have to go down that path, hurt people do hurt others, but it doesn't have to be that way. She can break that cycle.

There is some spiritual growth she needs to and can learn from what has happened in her career. She may have had to face the challenges she has to obtain the growth she needs on a personal/spiritual level, but if she dealt with any sort of trauma/abuse not a great lesson to learn as a human. On a spiritual level it makes sense, but no one wants that on a human level, that is a terrible experience to go through. Her life mission is to gain spiritual lessons through her work. Now with this House 8 card, the keywords on the cards are about transformation and Karma. I read it as transforming Karma, so whatever karma she may have, she can transform it and break that chain of cycle.

Both these card numbers come to 11 from this spread. 10 is a closing of a cycle, so I see 11 as a new chapter and beginning for her. To release the old cycle and start new. They are asking her to trust things as they are and that things will align itself for her. To trust that things will work out for her. To kind of look at the big picture. They kind of, I say they, because I sense this is more guidance from the collective/guides, even though she won't see this, they may want us to know lol It is like they want her to look at this from a spiritual perspective to look to why it happened for her, but no to her, very hard to do that on a human level though. They are asking her to be more gentle, soft and kind, once again, to not get too hardened, cold and harsh from what she experienced. Okay, walking in circles here, now ended it with Tarot.

Okay, this 5 of Swords is very telling, a lot of keywords here, so she may be falling for the trap of being cruel to others, or this is done to her, or it is cycle. The keywords on this card are argumentative, hurtful comments, conflict with others, avoidant, challenging to be around and pushes others away. I feel these all apply to her. I feel she tends to keep her distance as much as possible, but can get triggered and say mean things, but this can also be done to her. See, now with the Libra energy, this is like the opposite energy, a need to please others, do what they are told. I can also get the vibe with certain Libra's is that they don't really know who they are, they kind of mold themselves to what other people want them to be. I can see that with her. So, on one end she could say hurtful things, but she always finds a way to make peace, she may be the one to always apologize, even if she isn't in the wrong. Now with the Queen of Pentacles, she is successful and abundant in her own right. Her career is very important to her. She values her career. This may be something she puts above anything else. She would do anything to hold tight to what she has and what she earned. There is a nurturing and giving aspect to her as well. I feel this woman earned and worked hard for what she has achieved and has been through a lot of shit to get there, so I give props to her for that.

Okay, that went how I expected it, of course the first parts were a bit hard, but there were some highlights here. I just hope she works on healing and listens to the guidance to be gentler towards herself and others. Happy I did this, quite fascinating.

[ijustthinkhesneat]

Outta the way I’ve got hot takes coming through!!!!!!

Dick doesn’t resent Jason pre-death: I have found no evidence to support this. He definitely has issues with Bruce but Dick taking his anger out on Jason is so ooc. I think they were never super close though, partially because Dick wasn’t around much and Jason wasn’t around that long.

The Joker Jr of it all: I honest to god don’t know how I feel about this. On the one hand if Joker Jr had had a bigger impact on canon I really would have liked the dynamic it would create and how the Batfamily would react to Tim. On the other hand this absolutely could never happen because Batman would go full serial killer at that point. I personally think Joker Jr was the best version of Arkham Knight/Dick being mind controlled by the Joker.

Damian Wayne is an asshole: Yeah I went there. I’m throwing your Cherubic God King on the pyre and what will any of you do to stop me?! I understand Damian needing a lot of time to adjust and going through an immense level of trauma but like guess what he is still a jerk. I totally hate that he so rarely gets just brutally humbled in canon. Like their is the time he picks a fight with Jason and just gets absolutely bodied and he tries to fight previously mentioned mind controlled Dick and also gets rekt. But I swear he is way to arrogant for someone who gets clapped by like every other character.

NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ANY OF THE BATS EVER IRL: Yup it’s time to address the elephant in the room. All of the Bats with the exception of Cassandra who has never done anything wrong in her life and maybe Barbara if you close your eyes and ears, are terrible people.

Bruce Wayne: Look I could forgive helping old ladies while dressed up as a furry, I could over look being an emotional nightmare, I could even see why he didn’t murder the joker. But I cannot forgive his greatest sin. Being a fucking BILLIONAIRE.

Tim: Emotionally manipulative, a liar, has zero respect for other’s boundaries, also a billionaire, no fashion sense. He is that emo boy in a coffee shop who you think is deep but he is just stoned as hell and will ruin your credit.

Jason Todd: It’s the child murder for me, It’s the being an actual drug lord for me, it’s the duffel bag of severed heads for me. Truthfully those things are iconic, but this man is PTSD ridden and armed to the teeth with guns. I would get up to get a glass of water at night, sneeze and then Stable Mabel would blow my head off.

Dick Grayson: That friend who is never okay. Dating him would be like dating any generically attractive boy in college, yeah he’s hot but the eating disorder and body dysmorphia are reaching a turning point. Have you ever met a college gymnast? I don’t think he would be as gross but like he is a cop so if his friend assaulted someone he definitely wouldn’t tell anyone about it. I feel like he would gaslight me into breaking up with him only for his jackass to show up on my doorstep at 3am sopping wet. Also he’s a circus kid, that is a theater kid with talent and no shame. He would be so fucking annoying, like you would be embarrassed to be seen with him.

[fayeforrosie]

Day 2~ First Meeting

Kim Chaewon x Fem! Reader

KinkFluffAngstober Day 2~ First Meeting with Kim Chaewon

Warnings- Alcohol consumption, swearing, toxic relationship, body dysmorphia

Word count- 2k

Not proofread pls dont come for me🥲

You suck in your stomach as you glance upon your reflection in the mirror, gliding your hand up and down and wincing at your own measures.

Your boyfriend enjoyed it when you wore tight dresses, as he adored the way your body fit in them, however today he reprimanded you for eating too much in the morning, which would lead you to looking bigger in your dress for when the two of you were to go out later.

Now, standing in the mirror, his words inquired you to second guess yourself and how you looked, and influenced you into disgust with your own body.

Jake, your boyfriend, notices your discomfort in the mirror, and steps over to your body, his hands engulfing your waist while his lips trail on your neck.

"You look beautiful", he claims, holding eye contact with your own in the mirror.

"I was worried you would look bad in this dress", he giggles, his right hand now settling on your stomach, rubbing it unbecomingly. You disregard his comment, by this time acclimated to the disgusting words that would come out of his mouth.

"Thank you", you look down and walk away from his figure, finding yourself in the foyer as you place your heels on, another set that Jake had previously bought you as a result of an impactful fight.

Jake's friends sent him a text message a few days prior inviting him to a party at a local bar, a going away party for one of his friends. They claimed they ordered a large booth for everyone to meet and hang out in, celebrating our final day with the man in which you had no recollection of, you were only going for Jake. Jake takes you everywhere, and you follow, almost like a lost puppy.

Whenever you would mention to the man that you wanted to take him somewhere, whether it be on a private date, or a small get-together with some of your close friends, his excuses always coincided with words such as "I'm busy today" or "I can't baby, I have work."

Maybe it was something you should bring up, but in this point of your two-year relationship, you believe there was nothing more you could do for yourself, and just deal with one of the quirks that came with the man that you "loved".

"After you", Jake flashes a smile, his hair slicked back in the most repulsive way as he holds the car door open for you.

You slip into the passenger seat, attending to your dress and hair while he starts up the car next to you.

"So", you begin once Jake takes off, "how many people are going to this?"

You prayed, hoped, begged that the minimum was to be at least five or so other men. Simply thinking about being in a bar with a multitude of sweaty, abhorrent men caused a portion of throw up to arise deep within your throat.

"Oh there's a lot of people going", he smiles, evidently excited by this fact, antithetical to your expression as you force your mouth closed to hold back a groan.

"Is it all men?" Your eyebrows curved in disgust, aspiring for at least one or two women to be there to relax the tension and create a suitable atmosphere

"I think Jay is bringing his girlfriend, maybe that's it, I'm not so sure."

A sigh of relief. You close your eyes and smile to yourself, grateful there would at least be one woman in which you can feel comfortable and not out of place with.

It wasn't that you hated all of the men you caught yourself being around, but you think you can say this for every other women that being with another woman is far more settling than being with another man. And that was all, you preferred the company of someone of the same gender, not for any other reason.

You fail to notice that you boyfriend has finally pulled up into the parking lot of your destination, too busy searching through Jay's Instagram in hopes of finding out who this girl is, but to no avail, as all Jay has posted is mirror selfies or aesthetic photos of things that aren't meant to be made aesthetic.

He doesn't even post his own girlfriend? What a bum.

Jake opens the door for you and extends his hand for you to take, where you pretend to not notice it and help yourself out of the car, walking alongside the boy.

The night was cold, with a refreshing breeze that you'd wish for when it's too hot on a summer day. The neon lights of the compact building illuminated off your face to where you had no ability to even read the name of the club in front of you.

As you stroll closer, the booming bass of the music inside infiltrates your senses, thumping against your eardrums in the most distasteful way, and you decided right then that this is why you hate clubs.

Jake opens the door for you once again, his arm outstretched to lead you inside, and you flash him a subdued smile as you step inside.

The place is exactly as you expected it to be, lights flashing in every directions, some insignificant techno music blasting through various arranged speakers, and sweaty, detestable bodies swaying around each other untroubled.

While going out for a few drinks, or maybe a karaoke night with a few of your friends was an enjoyable pleasure for you, this scene was completely contrasting with the type of entertainment you like to relish in.

"Hey Jake! Over Here!" A masculine voice is heard from across the room, so you adjust your gaze over to a group of guys all raising their hands, flaring it wildly in the air for your boyfriend to notice.

You look over to Jake, wondering if he sees, but in spite of this, Jake is already on his way to the group, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, failing to remember that he also brought you along.

Or maybe he did remember, and just didn't seem to deem you prominent enough.

You shake your head and hang it low, watching your feet carry themselves over to the conjoined tables and stand beside your boyfriend while he now shares how his classes are going and a possible job offer he may accept.

You feel out of place, standing awkwardly beside him, that is until he finally takes notice of your presence, acting as if he was mortified with the fact that he had yet to introduce you to everyone.

"Oh! Everyone this is my girlfriend, Y/n!" You raise your head and wave your hand apprehensively, gazing across the group of boys all staring at you as if you were a piece of meat.

You were sure Jake noticed, but as always, he was too casual to address such a thing.

Once the rounds of "Hello's", and "Nice to meet you's" make their way, you attempt to settle into the given situation, and then it dawns on you that Jay's girlfriend must be here by now, as you were the last people to arrive, so you scan the group in hopes of finding a familiar face.

Her eyes instantly find yours, as if she had been staring the entire time, and your face drops, taken aback by her appearance.

She must at least be in her lower twenties, her short, loosely hung hair shaping her impeccably round face. Her pink, plump lips looking as soft as fresh dough, presenting her with an innocent-like façade.

She flashes you a consoling smile, as if reading your mind, and scoots herself a few inches to make room for you, hoping you'd take the offer.

You smile back, walking over to the girl and planting yourself in the very spot she patted for you.

"Hi," she speaks, and maybe it was just her protuberant features, but her voice was an exact replica of what you'd imagine it to be.

"Hi," you respond stiffly.

You thought maybe you'd have it easy talking to another woman like yourself, but your mind decided to play tricks on you tonight as you felt your throat dry up with nothing else to say.

"So you're here with Jake?" She questions, looking over to the boy.

You sigh unknowingly, "yeah, I am."

"Oh," the short girl promptly raises her hand for you to shake, "I'm Chaewon by the way, it's nice to meet you!"

Her smile beams at you and you can't help but return one, raising your hand and holding her soft, small hand in yours, shaking it lightly.

"I'm Y/n," you reply in the same spirit.

Time soon fly's by talking to Chaewon, where she told you about how her and Jay meant (on a dating app), and a bit about her college experience. You did the same, however your attention was mostly on her and the words that came so easily out of her mouth. It was apparent this girl was exceptionally friendly, but you felt like you could listen to her talk about anything and everything she wanted all day and you would never get the feeling of wanted her to stop.

After the girl finishes a story about one of her disastrous dates with Jay, which you noticed she shifted to more of a displeased tone every time he was mentioned, one of the guys announced the group should play a drinking game.

Voices cheered through the air, all the boys bumping shoulders and showcasing their pearly whites in excitement.

You and Chaewon decided not to speak up on it, and rather chose to turn around and just watch as one of the guys explained the rules of the game.

"It's simple," he begins, standing up to lead himself into the middle, "I brought these cards from my apartment."

The man takes a box of cards, with some sort of red print on the top, and smacks them down on the table for everyone to see, smiling proudly.

"We'll all go in a circle and pick a card, and each one has a dare on it You have the chance to either do the dare, or take a shot. If you want a shot anyway, then do the dare and then help yourself!"

The guys all cheer aloud, clearly half of them already experiences some side effects of the alcohol, and other drunk on the entertainment.

You glance over to Jake, simply just to check on him, but he seems to be caught up with something else on his phone, typing away on his screen without hesitation. Maybe he'd been doing this the whole time you were talking to Chaewon, but who knows.

The game starts after a few questions are thrown in the air, Chaewons boyfriend, Jay, being the first contender. He reads the card, his dare being to tap on any girls shoulder and give her the dirtiest pick up line he can think of.

Jay doesn't seem to be bother by this, and you only watch Chaewon's face out of the corner of your eye as he follows through with it. It was almost as if she was used to this sort of thing, allowing him to go off and do as he pleased while she sat back with little to no control over his actions.

You reached out and rubbed her thigh to console her, noticing her facial expression change before she looks at you and shines a pretty yet shy smile.

A couple more boys complete their dares as well, now bringing it to Chaewon's turn.

You could read the faces of each guys looking upon her, knowing clearly that all they wanted was for her to read off a dare that had something to do with stripping or kissing one of them, which was utterly disgusting.

Men are such buffoons.

She grabs the top card from the deck, turning it towards herself for nobody else to see. When skimming through it, she lifts her head and looks to her left, seeing you, and then quickly jerks it back down to the card, red now tinted across her cheeks.

"What is it?" One of the boys ask in anticipation.

She clears her throat, avoiding your eyes at all times,

"Make out with the person to your left."

~

EEEEEEE got u guyssssss, since day 8's prompt is first kiss with Chaewon, I decided why not combine the two?? It gives me the perfect excuse to leave u guys on a cliffhanger eeehheeehee

[donnieisaprettyboy]

Sorry if this is an inappropriate question but I'm having some self doubts. How did you know for sure that you were trans? I think I might be but I'm very confused if I'm feeling dysmorphia or dysphoria. Feel free to ignore if this is too personal

There’s nothing wrong with asking questions like this! :) gender is super confusing and sometimes it’s nice to have insight from other people

For the longest time I connected the discomfort with my body with trauma I experienced when I was younger. However, even as I worked through therapy and grew to a point that I am not as affected by my trauma, my discomfort remained.

Everytime I thought about people looking at me and seeing a boy, or even just looking at me and having no clue what my gender is, it made me feel kind of excited? I get heart flutter moments when I think about it.

I feel like I should add that most of my dysphoria is social. There are different kinds of dysphoria, and seeing this image is what made me realize that even though I didn’t struggle with my body too much, I had a strong desire to be seen as non-woman by society (not even necessarily as a man, just as something apart from “woman” if that makes sense).

(I cannot find the original artist for this so if anybody knows who it is please lmk)

When my friends started using he/they pronouns for me it felt really good. Even if I dress more feminine, I’m not binding, or if I’m actively trying to look more feminine, my friends still use he/they pronouns and it feels good!

My university has one of the best LGBTQ+ centers in the country, so I had a really good resource to reach out to and talk to people about. Which, for anybody reading this, you don’t have to be a university student to reach out to queer centers at universities! If you need resources, email them! :)

After quite a long time of experimenting with names, pronouns, styles, lots of research, etc. I came to the conclusion of “I’m just going to do me, whatever that is.” I use any pronouns, I dress however, I present differently depending on how I feel day to day :) people may call it genderfluid (which is fine!) but I’m personally sticking to more vague labels for my own comfort :) transmasc and genderqueer are what I use because it doesn’t feel confining!

I know a lot of this is kinda anecdotal, but I think the gist is there wasn’t one thing I noticed about myself that “confirmed” I’m trans. Also, you define what that means for you! There’s people who use they/them pronouns or different pronouns from those associated with their sex and don’t consider themselves trans! And there’s people who use pronouns that are associated with their sex and consider themselves trans! Technically because I use any pronouns, people can use she/her and that’s fine, but I’m still trans. I want top surgery, and I plan on cutting my hair into a more masculine cut, but I’m unsure about HRT. And after all that, I’m still trans!

I think this got kind of ramble-y but I really hope this all makes sense and helps to some capacity. And I encourage you to explore this and experiment! And if you decide “hey I’m actually not trans” that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to experiment and try things out :)

The trans experience is beautifully unique person to person, and your transness can look very different from someone else’s! :)

[liddolwitch]

Sharing my personal opinions, I am not every person lmfao

ARCANE S2 SPOILERS (ep 1-3)

tw/cw: Viktor, disability, body dysmorphia, weight changes, suicide, I think that's all?

Okay! I cannot stop thinking about how it would feel to be in Viktor's position right now. There's a lot going on, but I want to start with the fact that this is someone who contemplated suicide not too long ago. Everything we knew up to the attack indicates he wanted to live at that point, but the suicidal ideation must be kept in mind. That being said, it's a clear parallel to Jinx being saved by Singed. Side note, I think Jinx's reflexes might not let her die anymore.

Anyway! He did not want to be saved. He had made Jayce promise to destroy it previously, and this is the ultimate betrayal; regardless of Jayce's intent. At best, he trusted his own judgement over Viktor's after promising otherwise. That kind of integration was against everything Viktor wanted and believed. So there's a huge loss of autonomy, which is traumatic. It's also a theme very familiar to people with disabilities, especially ones that affect mobility and/or are degenerative. I cannot imagine that kind of situation would not be a trigger.

In regards to body stuff, he's completely different now. Any change in your physical body that you're not in control of can be absolutely terrifying. Weight fluctuation and minor scarring can have huge effects on a person's sense of self and self-esteem. Those are only the two I'm currently dealing with. These are changes visible to everyone in a way Viktor's clearly not comfortable with. There's often a feeling of moral impurity that unfortunately is part of the grief caused by disability. It's also a common effect of long-standing trauma in general (especially C-PTSD). Viktor is now only alive because of a weapon he felt needed to be destroyed at the cost of his life's work.

Jayce justifies himself by saying, "I never asked for this!" As if that hasn't been a constant thread in Viktor's life. I'm certain the line was meant to draw attention to that, but to me it indicates just how little Jayce recognized the loss of autonomy for Viktor.

For days? weeks? months? the people around Viktor have been telling him that they're sorry, but it's his lot in life to die young. That it's unfortunate his life's work can't be completed, but that's just how it is. Then, the closest person in the world to him completely disregards that sentiment, when it was clearly a line no one was willing to cross prior. Viktor himself had made the choice not to proceed.

I'm just thinking about a lot. People with terminal illnesses often aren't allowed to die with dignity and by their own volition in a comfortable way. Othertimes, people who are ill cannot receive the treatment they choose because other people determine the risk to be too great. Occasionally, people will be pushed to go through with treatments they'd rather not have, just for the chance to live a bit longer with low quality of life. Regardless of the situation, Viktor has never been allowed to call the shots.

I was really worried about how they would choose to force Viktor down this path. I thought maybe he would simply choose the risk of the hexcore over the pain or fear of death/dying. I was scared other people wouldn't understand that and there would be little sympathy from people who have never had to make choices like that (quality of life vs time, but also work vs rest when working harms you). I think it offers so much more room for exploration of Viktor's feelings and perspectives now that he didn't get that choice. I really hope they choose to dive into that.

[the-s1lly-corner]

facial dysmorphia comfort spot x reader

maybe maybe

Spot w/ an S/O who has facial dysmorphia

Okokokok two things!!

One I am once again so sorry for taking so long for getting to your ask 😭😭 same goes for everyone else who sent in requests <\3 but I got nothing going on tonight so I'll likely be knocking out asks throughout tonight!!

Second!!

Bit personal but I really didnt know there was dysmorphia that's centered around faces :0 I thought it was just body dysmorphia; and this ask kinda

Made me feel things

Not necessarily bad things but like

"Oh that's a hyper specific version of me" as someone with body dysmorphia that's very. Face centered

🧍‍♂️

Anywahs

Eeerm yeah!!

With all that being said some of this might dip into my personal experience with body dysmorphia <\3

Actually it kinda dips into a lot

It's the self projection for me

Not proofread we die like peter parker

He gets it

Kinda?

Sorta?

I mean it's not a 1:1 but

Close enough...?

I think he may have also had similar issues precollider tbh, like when he said "oh I used to be handsome by scientist standards" sounded... backhanded..

Anyways

Not the most attentive, he wont immediately catch your mood souring if you two are out and about; but he does eventually catch on if you're quiet or fidgeting

Offers you things you can fidget with to keep your hands busy; from small stress toys to rubber bands, to keep your hands busy

I know everyones different but again, self projection here

Helps especially if you mess with/tug your hair into place or pick your face at any perceived flaws

"Look at me dont look at them," when he notices you start comparing yourself to others when you're both out

Probably steps in front of you, if you're walking hes walking backwards to keep him in your view

He falls over/hj

Ah yes the mirror

Frowns

Another thing that spot would personally relate too; I believe I've mentioned somewhere in a different hc post that he tends to just

Stare and talk down to his reflection, post collider

It's a habit he probably had precollider too, but instead of his lack of face he's scrutinizing the moles and beauty marks

He never really liked his spots

But aside from sympathy when he sees you do the same he also feels

Hurt

Is this how he makes you feel when he does the same thing?

It's weird for him to be on the other end; watching you pick at your skin or teeth, sizing up every curve and crevice

He doesnt want to just go up to you and pull you away from the mirror or upright tell you to stop; nono that doesnt feel right.. it feels too.. forceful, accusatory... he doesn't want to make things worse

He'll probably try to subtly bring your attention in another direction; be it asking you what the plans for that night are, or asking for some affection

The most bold he'll get is walking up to you and gently bopping his face against you

He does his research, hes a scientist afterall

He makes sure that your shared home is a safe place to retreat to at the end of the day; his protective side outright banning anything that could potentially trigger your dysmorphia, doesn't matter what it is he's just not going to let it through the door

He never ever wants you to feel like your experiences are less than; whenever he notices a day is particularly hard hes immediately dropping everything to help and/or distract and/or comfort you

Listens diligently to what you need

He probably keeps a little notebook somewhere with notes scribbled down, along with things he knows you like and bring security

You both have feeling sessions; you both just sit down and talk, about anything really

Not necessarily vents but also not necessarily not vent but

You know

God forbid anyone ever makes you feel bad about himself

He would never... kill anyone (attempting to off miles dad aside!! I write these like. Imagining it's the time between the movies :0) but boy does he get thoughts

Literally just

Spawns a hole under them and sends them to god knows where

If you've got anything to help it, like say therapy or medications he'll make sure you keep a consistent and steady schedule with it

Insists on taking you to therapy himself

Via holes, of course

"Wait wait wait I think... I got it this time-!"

Proceeds to accidentally send yall to the top of some random building somewhere

VERY persistent about any meds, almost gets naggy with it

This is the same with any other stuff you may or may not take; other meds, vitamins, antibiotics, ect ect ect

Spot is more or less kind of. ..

I dont wanna say hes a mother hen, but asides from revenge, the thing he wants most is for you to be happy and healthy

It also kinda offers himself some reflection, because again he carries/used to carry similar behaviors; whether he had dysmorphia or not, he can see himself in you and it

Hurts

As a side note you notice his frequency in the bad self talk lowers

Gives off that "do it for her" simpsons meme, but its spot having a board of you

Figurative board of course

Maybe

I can kinda see him having some version of it actually

He just wants you to know that he loves you so so so much. He thinks himself to be the luckiest man in the world; hell in the entire multiverse, as cheesy as it sounds. Despite everything hes been through and going through, he still managed to get someone like you by his side. You give him clarity in his whirlwind of a life and he wants to let you know how grateful he is for your existence

Anyways

Yeah I dont know where I was going with this post and hcs I kinda just let my feelings and experiences talk here so <\3 normally I like to keep things like this vague so others can hopefully relate easier but

Man this topic got me

But

Yeah

I hope this is alright !! It's not often I write stuff with this sort of topic matter so I'm a lil rusty <\3

[spacesapphi]

"Moving Forward, Spiraling Downward Chapter 14- In a New Light"

Wanted to give a warning that this is the last chapter before things get bad /srs. The more heavy topics of Shane's heart events and story are going to be occurring over the next few chapters, so just know that before delving in. We're getting to the homestretch of this story, thank you all for sticking with me through it

CWs include emetophobia and brief mentions of body dysmorphia later in the chapter

Summary: Summer is drawing to an end, and the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies is here! Shane expected it to be just like every other year, nothing too special about it. However, it seems a dear friend, and fate, may have other plans for this event…

AO3 Version Here

Tumblr Version Below the Cut

The last day of Summer had quickly approached, and with it came the event many in town were so fond of. Each year, as if it was clockwork, the moonlight jellies would swim their way past the docks on the beach, bidding ‘goodbye’ to the Summer season and ushering in the Fall. Shane used to love it as a child, begging to stay up just a bit later and attend every year to see the miraculous event of nature. Now that he was older the festival had lost its luster, but it seemed that absolute unbridled excitement had been passed on to another member of the household. 

Jas loved anything that seemed magical, and luminous jellies parading past the shore seemed like it was ripped straight from a fairytale. That paired with the approval to stay up far past her bedtime for the celebration made her ecstatic. This was going to be great! The entire family entered the beachfront together, finding the entire town had already set up and taken their positions for the festival, flocking to the docks in anticipation of the main event. Marnie insisted on staying towards the beach, much too nervous about just how many people were on the old docks. She was a nervous and superstitious woman at heart, and truly didn’t trust the structural integrity. Thus she split off from the group, finding her own enjoyment standing on the shore.

“When are we gonna see them? Are there baby jellies? Do they really glow?” Jas rambled off question after question, not giving Shane even a moment to respond. Wasn’t like he really had the answers to most of the questions anyways. Chances were he’d just be chanting “we’ll see” over and over again. Jas continued to ramble as they walked on, the young girl practically dragging him onto the pier looking intently at the water below for any sign of the creatures.

“There they are!” 

A cheery voice came from Shane’s side, Möhle approaching the pair with a grin on their face, and with someone in tow as well. That hermit from the beach that Shane saw on rare occasions at festivals, the one who spoke like he was in a period drama and acted like a fool after one drink at the saloon. Möhle motioned a hand towards him, “You know Elliott, right?”

“Not really, no,”

“Well, let’s fix that!” Elliott held out a hand for Shane to shake, “Elliott Lillis, aspiring author! My cousin here has told me about you…. A lot,”

Shane furrowed his brow, “Cousin…?” He looked back and forth between the two of them, realizing they indeed looked quite similar. Voluminous red hair, freckles on every inch of their body, the same nose shape, and both were incredibly tall. He wondered how he’d never made the connection before. He slowly held out a hand to return the shake, “Shane… I guess you already knew that though, huh?”

“I know many things… More than I’ve asked to know,” Elliott gave Möhle a side eye, “Honestly if I didn’t know any better I’d think the two of you were to-”

“And that’s enough, Ell!” Möhle laughed and slapped a firm hand to his shoulder with gusto, playing it off as a playful gesture, but using it as a way to tell him to knock it off. Elliott caught the hint and cleared his throat, forging a smile, “Quite right! I’ll take my leave,”

He waved off Möhle, who turned right back to Shane with an unconvincing smile, obviously quite flushed, “So!... You excited?”

Shane shrugged, looking out to the water, “Just jellies… they were here last year, all the years before, and they’ll be back again the next…” he looked back down to Jas, smiling softly, “Jas is excited though. It’s her first time seeing it,”

Möhle kneeled down to her level, “Oh, that must be so exciting! Make sure you keep an eye out for the rare green one, heard that one brings good luck!”

“There’s green ones?!” Jas asked, “What about baby ones? Vinny said he saw a million last year!”

“Dunno about a million, but sure, you’ll see some!” 

“And they actually glow?”

“Mm-hm!” Möhle pulled out the little biology notebook they always kept in their side-bag, finding the page they had dog-eared especially for tonight, showing it to Jas, “They’re called Aequorea Victoria’s, and they have special proteins that make them glow,”

“That’s..” Jas frowned as she tried to think of the word, “Bio..luminescent?”

“That’s right! There’s even more to it too-”

Jas listened intently to the explanation, staring at all the pretty pictures in Möhle’s journal as they rambled over all the answers Jas desired about the event. Seeing her look so enthralled and happy just put a smile on Shane’s face. He couldn’t help it. And then seeing Möhle act so kindly towards her, seeing how the two of them got along so well, how supportive Möhle seemed of her interests, it kindled something inside him. The three of them standing here together made Shane feel like they looked like a little family, parents and a child. He stopped that thought the moment it came to his mind, feeling his face grow flushed. What the hell was he thinking?

The thought of someone like them with someone like him… it was laughable in his mind. Why couldn’t he get the thought to go away? He was angry at it even appearing, wanting to hit himself upside the head for even letting it happen. Maybe it was because of what Elliott was saying, what he was implying. He had to have been kidding… right? Perhaps just joking and teasing his cousin. He tried to convince himself it was only that, it had to be that. 

Shane didn’t believe there was much for him in that regard in this world… He didn’t even believe there were many chances for friendship either if he was honest. This was the first time this festival had made him feel so lonely. He leaned up against the side of that old fisherman's shack, panning his vision out towards the crowd in front of him. Möhle and Jas were still practically hanging off the dock, pointing out the more interesting jellies to each other, discussing the science of the phenomenon passionately. Marnie was still too nervous to enter the dock with the others, standing on the beach alongside her ladies group, chatting the night away. Emily was at the far end of the docks with her girlfriend Sandy, linking their arms together as they watched the event. And then there was Sam, standing with his bandmates just yards away. He didn’t seem to catch Shane looking at him, but Sebastian obviously did, scrunching his face in disapproval when he saw Shane. He must’ve heard what happened between the two of them already, and he didn’t look happy about it.

WIth everyone off in their own little worlds, Shane was left to his lonesome, and he knew well that it was his fault. That fact didn’t make it hurt any less, though. He wanted to be able to jump into a conversation without fear, to connect with the villagers around him. But his mouth felt wired shut, and his head pounded. Oh how Shane was beginning to regret that promise he made to Jas. Going cold turkey was not a smart idea, he knew it well, but he just kept thinking about how much she pleaded for him to stop, how much she desired for her wish to come true. He had let her down so many times already, he didn’t want to add anything to the tally. But this was just… torture. Shane felt sick, grumpy, and so standoffish, much more than normal. He could hardly focus on the event at hand, not even noticing as the glow of the jellies slowly faded from view, the festival drawing to an end. Summer had officially ended now. Slowly, villagers began leaving the docks, chatting excitedly as they returned to their homes, the twilight hours of morning approaching. 

Jas ran over, chattering away about all the cool jellyfish facts Möhle had taught her, her eyes sparkling with joy as she rambled. 

“Guess what! There were baby jellies! And a green one too!” she squealed. Shane smiled softly, “Guess that means you’re gonna have good luck then, huh?”

“Yeah!” Jas nodded, quickly pulling away so she could tell Marnie what she’d seen too. It left him and Möhle on their lonesome, the farmer smiling at him, a glint in their eye, “You wanna come see something with me? I promise it’s worth it,”

Shane looked back to his family, a reluctant expression on his face. Marnie just smiled and motioned for him to go, obviously relieved to see him talking to someone. Shrugging, Shane decided to turn back and follow them, unable to deny his curiosity was piqued. If it was Möhle who was involved, there was likely something interesting around the bend. 

When they brought him to a little cavern near the tide pools, Shane couldn’t deny he was skeptical. He’d seen this cavern before, it wasn’t anything special as far as he knew. But Möhle ushered him inside, taking his hand gently, “Close your eyes, you’re gonna love this,’

Shane shrugged and listened to what he’d been told, ducking down to enter the cavern alongside them. He could hear the trickling of water, almost like a stream. What the hell was Möhle trying to show him? The two eventually came to a stop, Möhle’s giddy voice ringing out, “You can open them now!”

Slowly Shane fluttered his eyes open, full expecting to be met with a deep, dark cavern. But to his surprise, the walls inside were brightly illuminated, each and every crevice shimmering and shining. Looking down he saw there was indeed some sort of stream rushing through the cavern, and the jellies that had disappeared from the beach were making their way through, following each twist and turn of the flowing water. It was breathtaking, absolutely leaving him in awe. 

“I’ve been talking to Demetrius about this for the past month, we’ve been trying to figure out the patterns the jellies follow, see where they headed once they passed the docks,” they explained, “He couldn’t stay to observe, but I still wanted someone here with me when I documented it!” they grinned, holding up a small disposable camera. 

“And you picked me?” Shane asked, looking at them in utter confusion. Möhle had their sights set through the lens of the camera and shrugged nonchalantly, “Of course! Why wouldn’t I?”

To Shane, the question was more like why would they? Möhle could’ve picked anyone else to see this sight with them tonight, anyone in town and they chose him. Was he really that special? Was he reading too much into it? He had no clue, but maybe he could try to stop analyzing these things. Maybe he could just allow himself to enjoy this, no questions asked.

The swirling blues and greens of the jellies were almost heavenly. Their glow lit up the cavern the pair sat in, illuminating the plant life around them, setting a glow upon their faces. Shane felt… peaceful; happy even. Sitting here with Möhle, enjoying this festival, enjoying them… it made him feel like a younger, happier version of himself. Suddenly all the frustration he’d felt over the past 2 months was pushed to the back of his mind, at least for just a moment. A small smile found its way on his face, warm and genuine, as he looked at them. He hadn’t noticed how beautiful they looked, not until now. 

Those long lashes hooded over hazel eyes, a round face and broad body absolutely covered in freckles, tight red curls cascading down their shoulders… It was absolutely breathtaking. And they were sweet, oh so sweet. Not just to him, but to those he held dear. They treated Marnie and Jas like family, were kind to his friends and treated animals with kindness, they were forgiving even when he felt he didn’t deserve it. Shane wondered what he did to deserve the honor of sitting with them right now. He had been so awful to them when they had first come back, and did little to reconcile it, after all.

Möhle caught him staring, raising a brow at his absolutely flushed and yearning expression. They had never seen that look on his face before, had no idea what it meant. They leaned in just a bit closer, tilting their head in confusion, “Shane… are you-”

Before they got to finish their sentence, Shane began to lean in, and Möhle couldn’t help but feel drawn in, reciprocating the motion. The pair closed their eyes, finding their lips meet the others, soft and gentle. Shane’s stubble and Möhle’s peach-fuzz mustache pricked at the other's cheeks, a sensation that sent a warm shiver through Shane’s body. The two pulled away almost as soon as the kiss began, looking at each other in complete shock and surprise for just a moment, faces flushed a deep, deep red. Shane shook his head slowly, sputtering out a quick apology, “I-I am… so sorry! I don’t know what- I don’t know why I just did tha-”

Before he could finish the sentence, Möhle laughed softly, smiling with such genuine adoration, “I didn’t mind it, really…”

Oh Shane was certain his heart would stop. Was this real? Was he actually sitting here, just having kissed Möhle? He felt like he could die from embarrassment in this cavern, passing away on the spot. Here lies Shane, cause of death kissing his childhood friend like a goddamned idiot. His mind spun fast, a queasy feeling building in his stomach. Möhle’s expression of adoration slowly shifted to one of concern and self-consciousness as they began to see how flushed he was getting. 

“A-are you okay? Was it too much?”

“Say somethin’ you dumbass!” he thought, “Just tell them what you’re thinking!” 

Shane opened his mouth to speak, intending on telling Möhle that it was good, that he enjoyed it, loved it, even. But the moment his lips parted, his anxiety got the best of him. His stomach clenched, and the poor man vomited over the front of Möhle’s shirt, earning a haggard gasp from them. They looked absolutely horrified, staring at Shane in utter confusion and concern. Shane felt like he could just die. Thoroughly ashamed and gravely embarrassed, Shane scrambled to his feet, avoiding getting too close to Möhle, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I-”

He looked to the entrance of the cave, and back to his friend who sat looking concerned as ever.He gave them an apologetic look, grimacing deeply. 

“Bye,”

And with that, Shane ran. He ran far and fast, not stopping until he was certain Möhle was far, far behind him. Running back to the ranch was a mistake, though. His throat was ragged and sore from vomiting, his bad knee screaming at him for the audacity to try and run like this. His mind was racing with so many thoughts. He couldn’t believe he just did that. How could he have done that?! And how could he have just left them there, running off with barely a word? Stupid, stupid, stupid. That’s all he felt about himself now. 

Finally making it back to his bed, Shane flopped back and tried his damn best to process the incident in the cavern. He still wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t dreaming. He tried to convince himself he was, but everything told him the opposite. He had just kissed Möhle, vomited on them, and he ran away. 

Shane didn’t even know he felt that way about them… did he? He enjoyed it at least. There had never been a romantic conversation between the two of them, barely an expression of admiration to that level that was spoken. They were a friend to him, that’s all they would ever be… right? He just wanted them to be a friend, that’s what he tried to convince himself. So why was there this creeping thought in the back of his mind, some voice in his head saying that maybe, just maybe, he felt something more?

The only person Shane had ever loved that way was Emily, a long long time ago. The two had been together briefly when he was in college, and had done everything a young couple was expected of. They looked perfect for each other on the outside.. But as much as they enjoyed their time together, there had been many reasons the pair hadn’t worked out; religion, personality, and general connection to name a few. Shane somehow just wasn’t able to be as into it as Emily was, though he genuinely did care for her. He did love her… just not as much as Emily loved him. He knew it wasn’t fair to her, and she agreed. The two worked better as friends, that was clear. In the end the breakup was amicable, even though it still stung deeply for the both of them. Since then, Shane hadn’t fallen in love with another person.

But now? Shane thought he might be in love with Möhle. And it terrified him. He was in no spot to be in a relationship, no place to even be thinking about these things. How was he supposed to navigate a relationship when he was barely able to navigate their friendship? Would they even want one with him? Möhle was nice, but that didn’t mean they wanted him that way. It was entirely possible they didn’t, and he didn’t want to take the chance by going any further. But he couldn’t help but imagine the two of them doing all the things he and Emily used to do, imagining what the two of them could be like together. He felt so silly doing so.

Besides, what did they even see in him? As much as he tried to push back the thought, he kept wondering just what it was. Shane didn’t think he was anything special, after all. He was short, much shorter than them. Not to mention his looks. Shane was incredibly insecure about… well, about pretty much everything. His weight, the way stress had been aging him, graying his hair and adding bags beneath his eyes. He was scruffy and unkempt, his clothes always had stains and tears and never seemed to fit just right. He felt like a walking mess, an absolute horrible excuse of a person, and it had only gotten worse over the years. He was anxious, dysmorphia worked to make him feel like he wasn’t enough of anything. Not handsome enough, not good enough, just not enough. Shane couldn’t understand why Möhle looked at him that way tonight, like they wanted him, like they enjoyed him and his presence. If only he could see himself the way they saw him.

If this had been just a few years ago, maybe he’d feel differently. He used to have confidence about him, a love for himself. Today though, after everything, it was gone. Shane felt like every good quality about him had weathered away over the years, the waves of life chipping away at his being and soul until there was nothing left but a vulnerable, pathetic man. There was no way someone could love him like this… at least, that’s what he thought. 

As he fell asleep, he just couldn’t help but think about the way their lips felt on his, the way their eyes sparkled as they looked at him, the softness in their voice as they assured him it was okay. It captivated him until the very moment he drifted off, Möhle’s face front and center in his mind. What an odd feeling it was. 

[krizzler]

How I see

HIT ME HARD AND SOFT

-as someone with synesthesia.

#1 - SKINNY

I kinda think of skinny as light, pale and soft. I think the lyrics really reflect those elements, especially since the song is mostly about body dysmorphia. And when I think about body dysmorphia I think of pale and colourless things. So everything about this song just lacks colour, but in a good way. I think it symbolises Billie's growth and development through the album. She starts paler but then she slowly develops colour through the songs, also symbolising that she's found herself and she's comfortable in who she is.

#2 - LUNCH

Lunch is definitely a hard one. Whenever I listen to a song, I can always see all the colours in different parts of the song. Especially this one. But it only looks good in my head and to physically make it visual to other people is hard because I had to include all the colours without it looking terrible. So what I did was I kinda channelled the main colours and what came out was blue and orange. Blue being the base of the song, and then orange being the guitar in the background. These two colours and this song make perfect sense to me and I'm super happy about this one.

#3 - CHIHIRO

This song is mostly blue but BITTERSUITE and BLUE are blue already so I wanted to make it more diverse. So I gave the song a listen and decided that the base of the song is blue 100%, and in the chorus of the song you kinda feel melancholic, euphoric, ethereal etc. So I drilled deeper into my brain and decided that in the chorus of this song, I could feel a bit of yellow. I think it adds to that floating, euphoric feel of the song.

#4 - BIRDS OF A FEATHER

Unfortunately my least favourite on this album. I obviously don't hate anything Billie's put out at all, but it screams clean girl. I can't stand clean girl so I have a bit of a dislike towards this song. It's a good song obviously, but not for my ears. It's very soft and dream like, and I think the white and baby pink really reflect it. Love how this is like a polar opposite to LUNCH.

#5 - WILDFLOWER

This was nice to do. Finding and looking through photos really helped me understand this song better. It's the perfect balance between hard and soft. I think this is like the middle man in this album. Especially when you know what it's about. Or who. This reminded me a lot of Guitar Songs (TV and The 30th). It's like a morning walk through a field on an overcast day at your grandma's house. It's a bit of a laid back green. Symbolising the mood of the song.

#6 - THE GREATEST

This was the hardest song I've had to visualise. This song is more of a feeling than a visual. But I'd probably say it's a mix between blue and green. Blue being the base, green being the accents. This whole album definitely has blue in most of its songs. I'm still not sure how to view this song but I think this is the closest I can get.

#7 - L'AMOUR DE MA VIE

I don't think this song needs much of an explanation. It's neon, it's bold, it's different. It's a vibe. The colour perfectly matches the sound of the song. I mostly see red and orange in this song and I think that's to do with fire for some reason. It's hot and it burns your eardrums like a hot branding iron in the best possible way.

#8 - THE DINER

I think the diner has the same look for everyone. It's dark, spooky and possessive. I can't believe it's second least streamed song on the album because it's my no.1. Black is the base of the song because I feel like it's set at night, then we have red because it's hot and bold. I added in some photos of circuses because the little instrumental sounds like a spooky circus. This is THE Halloween song of 2024. Fight me.

#9 - BITTERSUITE

This is such an amazing song. To me it's blue. But a very darkkk blue. It also feels like you're drowning so I incorporated lots of water into it. This feels like swimming at the sea in a storm. It's terrifying and exhilarating in the best way. I think this song would also smell like Eilish no.2 and I'm so sad that this is the least streamed of the album.

#10 - BLUE

this song is the bluest of blue. It's neon. It's again more of an feeling that a visual. Very similar to BITTERSUITE but just more vibrant. I find it hard to explain this one but I think for a song that's also hard to visualise, it's probably the most accurate on the list.

[illarian-rambling]

❤️‍🩹- What would your character look like if they were a deity? And what would they have power of, and ❣️- What show/movie/game/book universe would your character thrive in? for the heart ask game :3 (sorry if you've alr answered these ones!)

I have not, thank you!

If my characters were gods, I think they'd be the gods of little things. They're only people, after all.

Izjik would be the goddess of a well-needed ass beating. Ever seen a middle school bully get their head bounced against a locker because they called a wrestler girl fat? Ever had your mind expanded by sparring against someone way better than you? These are Izjik’s domain. She appears to the worthy as a gray cloaked silhouette with bloody handwraps and a proud smile.

Sepo would be the god of the feeling you get while listening to your favorite song. Screaming out the lyrics in the car. Getting goosebumps while listening to it for the first time. He is the bearer of such feelings. He shows himself as a glimmer of dark eyes reflecting from your phone screen, radio dial, or record player.

Twenari would be the goddess of lab safety. She protects her followers from acid spills and accidentally getting crystal violet on their clothes. Occasionally, if someone has earned her wrath, they might find the chemical shower they need to use to be out of water. She appears as a whirl of colorful liquids found in the disposal bucket.

Djek would be the god of party safety. Say a prayer before you go out to the club, and you'll always find someone trustworthy to hold your drink while you use the bathroom. His faithful always find their way home even when stumbling drunk. He appears as a hazy form only to those who are heavily intoxicated, taking their hand and leading them back to their friends.

Astra would be the goddess of academic risks. She's who you pray to when you use some funky grammar in an essay or when you have to bullshit your way through citations. If your prayer pleases her, your gamble will pay off. She shows herself as a smiling face present in the twisting characters of an academic article or online journal entry.

Mashal would be the god of powering through dysmorphia. Sometimes, your body doesn't look or feel how you want it to, and sometimes, in the moment, you can't do anything about it. Mashal offers the persistence to go out and have an alright day regardless, granting the knowledge that it won't always be this way. He appears as a half-glimpsed figure in mirrors and windows, always with a comforting hand on your shoulder.

Ivander would be the god of interesting things happening at work. Having a boring day at your office job? Pray to Ivander and something might happen. It might be a food truck in the parking lot. It might be Kelly from HR getting into a screaming match with the IT guy. For good or for ill, he will always send something interesting your way. He takes the form of a faceless man in a suit, laughing at the edge of the scene.

As for what book/show/game/movie they'd be good in, that's a tougher one. Don't blame me if half of these end up being cosmere related lol

I've never seen the Walking Dead, but I do believe Izjik would do fantastic in any zombie apocalypse. She's got a good sense of community and is great at any sort of survival stuff. Alternatively, she could survive the Magnus Archive version of London. She's already used to one overbearing being named End - so what if you slap a The on there?

Sepo would do well on Roshar, the setting of the Stormlight Archive. He likes storms, he'd make a great ardent, and I think he could hear the parshendi rhythms through sheer force of will. If he ended up as a Radient, and lord knows he has the trauma to do it, he'd be an Elsecaller. The only problem would be, if he's an ardent, he'd have to shave his head, and that's a no go for him.

Twenari would legitimately enjoy being trapped in Aperture Labs. She loves puzzles and science. So what if there's some bodily risk? I think she'd actually get along with Glados and end up just asking for more puzzles once she finishes them all.

Djek would do well in the setting of The Kings of the Wyld. There, adventures are treated like rock bands, and afforded all the glitz and glamor you might assume comes with the station. He might not be the strongest fighter, but by god, can he work a crowd. He'd have a mob of fangirls by the end of his first quest.

Astra, as I've said before, would rule the setting of Mad Max. To be fair, I've never seen a Mad Max movie, but I know it has big trucks and scary guns, which are Astra's jam.

Mashal would do alright for himself in the Star Wars universe. There's just so much out there. He could wander the outer rim, helping whoever he finds as he goes. There are also a lot of other robots and robot-adjacent beings out there, so I think he could definitely find someone like himself to relate to.

Ivander, for my second cosmere setting of this post, could survive Elantris. More importantly, he could be afflicted by the Shaod and not go insane. He's already used to bearing an immense amount of pain. He'd probably just say "fuck it, were organizing this shithole now" and get to it before Raoden.

Thanks for the asks, these were fun ones :)

[spiderfreedom]

my suffering is profound and legitimate, yours is frivolous nonsense

Just reading a blogger I like but I had to laugh because she was talking about how beauty practices are bad for women's mental health, and she left a note saying "unlike gender affirming care! gender affirming care improves people's mental health and it's nothing at all like cosmetic practices."

TIL, when an older woman gets botox to remove her wrinkles and avoid facing the inevitability of decline and death, her problem is spiritual/structural and she needs to Do The Work to deprogram her ageism, unlike people with dysphoria, who of course have legitimate claims to cosmetic alteration.

And it is cosmetic - no part of the body that is altered by HRT or SRS or any of the feminization/masculinization surgeries is failing to function or functioning poorly. The problem is with the brain, which perceives the body parts as foreign or undesirable. We may sympathize with someone struggling with such a condition, but that does not change that the body parts being altered were already healthy and the alterations are cosmetic, and the relief being brought about is mental.

But plenty of trans people openly admit that separating body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria is a losing game. Contrapoints's video on "Beauty" (transcript) has the observation that she feels least dysphoric when she is meeting feminine beauty norms:

But I also think that trans people often talk like gender dysphoria is this intrinsic, personal experience that's always 100% valid and never has anything at all to do with the external pressure of beauty standards. But in fact, gender dysphoria is not sealed away in a vacuum away from the influence of societal ideals and norms.  [...] When I try to psychoanalyze myself, I find that my desires to look female, to look feminine, and to look beautiful are not exactly the same, but they're woven together so tightly that it's kind of difficult to untangle them. And the opposite is also true, that for me feeling mannish or dysphoric usually goes along with feeling ugly. I don't have a lot of days where I walk out the house thinking "well, I'm giving femme queen realness, but apart from that I look like absolute shit". 

Max Robinson's book "Detransition," from an FTM perspective, points out how the prospective trans man views his suffering as unique from and distinct from women's, even as the surgeries they seek are not especially different:

The stereotypical cosmetic surgery patient is seeking to become closer to being perfectly feminine - she wants to be beautiful. Transitional cosmetic surgery, on the other hand, is widely understood to mark the patient as ex-female and therefore unfemale; this is part of the meaning FTMs seek to create through surgery. FTM desire for cosmetic surgery is positioned as something totally different than the stereotype of a woman who 'merely' seeks beauty at her frivolous leisure. FTMs are deemed to have a rare affliction that needs urgent, life-saving treatment. Conversely, there is nothing more common than for a woman to become obsessed with her socially-deemed 'unsatisfactory' looks and desperately seek to change them, believing that such a change is the only thing that can restore her quality of life. This comparison will feel like an insult to the FTM. It will feel that way because we believe other women's suffering doesn't matter, and recognize how much ours does. Women's suffering is ordinary but ours is extraordinary. For us to matter, we must be differentiated from the silly little woman who wants to be pretty so badly she'll pay thousands of dollars (now billable to credit cards and loan programs designed to pay for elective surgeries!) to risk her life and health. These women don't need to be fixed; we do. FTMs know that we don't deserve a woman's fate but have not yet realized that no woman does.

I have more to write on the topic of the relationship between gender identity and beauty culture, but I'll end this one here. It makes sense that somebody who is identified with the opposite sex would also be affected by the standards of beauty expected of that sex. (Non-binary identification is more complicated and requires separate treatment.)

[skywarpie]

Reflected Memories

Hey, did you ask for an angsty Trans Copia fic? No? Too bad. Here’s one.

1,544k words. AO3 Link

tw: just lots of angst and body dysmorphia

For as long as he can remember he’s hated the reflection that stares back at him from the mirror. It makes him feel nauseous. The person that stares back at him has never felt like it matches the person that’s inside him. He can remember standing in-front of a mirror when he was a child, no more than ten, and just staring. Yet no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t twist that reflection to actually reflect him.

There was a brief while where he considered this a normal occurrence. That it was something that everyone had to deal with. Either that or he was being punished for some unknown reason (which seeing as how his life has played out so far, that really wouldn’t surprise him too much).

He remembers how for the longest time he was addressed as such a “fine young sister.” It leaves an acidic taste in his mouth and Copia finds himself, not for the first time that morning, thinking he’s going to lose what little breakfast he’s consumed. 

As he got older things only seemed to get progressively worse. The long hair wasn’t too much of an issue. For a while he had just tucked it into the tightest bun possible, until finally he had asked Primo to help him cut it. His eldest brother was more than happy to oblige.

“You’re sure?” Primo had bent to look him in the eyes. It was almost comical. His nearly six foot figure nearly bent in half to acknowledge his younger sibling. 

Copia noded. 

“Very well.” And there had been no argument. No trying to talk him out of it. It was arguably the most freeing moment of his short life. 

Copia finds himself grimacing as he recalls how Sister Imperator had responded. She hadn’t been angry per-say, but he had received a stern talking to.

“Honestly, I don’t understand why you didn’t bring it to my attention. I would have ensured it was done properly. That someone who knew what they were doing was the one slicing off your hair.”

Someone who did know what they were doing had done just that, Copia had wanted to argue, but like every other time in his life when confronted with issues he had remained silent. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Sister waved a hand through the air. “Just make sure that next time you come to me when you want this done. Do I make myself clear, Copola?”

He freezes like he’s just been struck. That name hasn’t entered his mind in decades and the thought of it suddenly makes him feel like the room is spinning. He rubs at his eyes, smearing the black makeup that circles them. He needs to do something, anything to get his mind off of this. 

Copia turns on his heel and practically runs from his room, only stopping once he’s in his office where he can lock himself away and focus on mind numbing paperwork. It works – for the most part. But several hours in he finds his body aching from the cramped position and needing a stretch. The growling of his stomach reminds him that he should probably get something to eat as well. He’s still undecided on that one yet.

It’s only once he’s made his way around the ministry gardens a solid three times, does he wind back up in his own room. Some rest. That will help. 

Copia wastes no time in stripping himself of his black cassock and exchanging it for a comfortable pair of sweatpants. Carefully he lays the cassock over the back of one of his few chairs. He doesn’t want it to get wrinkled. He makes his way to his closet to find a more comfortable shirt, only he stops dead in his tracks.

He swallows thickly as his reflection once more stares back at him. Stupid. Idiot. Fucking idiot. In his haste earlier Copia forgot to replace the sheet back over the glass. Only this time it’s worse. Last time it was just his lanky form in his cassock. Now it’s him with only his sweats and a bare chest.

Copia isn’t ashamed of the scars that adorn his chest, quite the opposite actually. He’s glad to have them. It shows what he’s been through and how he’s fought tooth and nail to get to where he is today. To be who he is today. It’s just — his body over all. He’s never liked it. Even now, it just doesn’t appeal to him. There’s little to no definition in his arms and there’s the slight pudge to his gut. For more than once in his life he finds himself wishing he looked more like his brothers. Although he knows they’d tell him he’s perfectly fine the way he is, Copia can’t help but feel like they’re taking pity on him.

“Ah, there you are.” Secondo’s deep voice echoed in his ears. “We were beginning to think you’d never leave that room of your’s.” He laughed at his own joke as he straightened his paperwork on his desk. He’d recently been appointed to Cardinal, working directly under Primo. “I know you’d rather spend your time cramped up in there, but honestly —” Whatever he had intended to say had died on his tongue as a gut wrenching sob cut through the air. 

Copia sat on the other side of his brother’s desk, head in his hands as he practically curled in on himself. He had wanted to say something sarcastic, play into the typical banter they shared but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. His mouth had opened and a wail had taken the place of words.

Secondo sat rooted to the spot. His brows furrowed and eyes wide as he took in the scene before him. “Sorella.” It’d been said softly but instead of comfort it had only brought more heartache as the man before him tried to curl in on himself even more. He stood, hurrying over to kneel beside him. “I did not intend to upset you. I was only joking.” He placed a comforting hand on Copia’s shoulder.

The younger man had jerked away, his sobbing only growing. For a long moment they both stayed that way until finally Copia had managed to pull himself together just enough to speak. He wiped at his nose, not even bothering to wipe at his eyes. The black makeup there was already tear stained and ruined. 

“What is it? You can tell your fratello.” 

He had hiccuped so hard that his body jerked. “I can’t do this anymore.” His voice was hardly above a whisper and Secondo had to strain to hear it. 

“Do what?” 

Copia knew it was meant as enduring. His brother only wanted to help. That didn’t alleviate his mind in the least. His bottom lip trembled. “Do you ever feel like –” a violent hiccup shook his body. “Like something’s wrong.” He looked down at his hands. “Like you don’t fit.”

His brother’s eyes had softened as did his voice. “I can’t say that I personally have ever felt that way, but I think I know what you’re speaking of.”

And that had been the end of it. Secondo, along with his other two brothers, even his mother, had settled into the change far easier than he had ever imagined they would. Almost immediately he had changed out his wardrobe for far more fitting clothes and changed his name. 

“Copia? But that means –”

He interrupted Terzo. “Copy. Si.”

Terzo had scrunched his nose up. “But why that?”

Copia shrugged. “It is not so different sounding from –” he stumbled over his words and swallowed thickly. “From the other name and because I would like to learn to be more like the three of you.” It seemed like the most obvious answer. However his brother’s expression began to slowly make him worried. 

“You shouldn’t feel like you have to model yourself after us. You’re your own person.” 

“Si. If I don’t like it, I will change it again, no?” He shrugged.

Defeatedly Terzo had sighed. “Si.”

Instinctively Copia snatches his cassock from the chair and flings it over the mirror. He settles for just yanking one of his old shirts from a drawer in his dresser and flinging it over himself. From there he shuts off the lights and buries himself in his bed under the heavy quilts. He isn’t tired and more than likely won’t be sleeping tonight. But he feels overwhelmed. Not just by his memories but also from the fact that he can’t even speak about his issues to his brothers anymore. Because they’re gone. Dead. Because of him. If he had just kept his mouth shut and continued living the hell he was in, would they still be here? No, more than likely not. Sister would have simply found another gullible idiot to take his place and they would still be cold in glass coffins. It’s funny really, to think that there’s someone more gullible than him out there.

Copia chokes on a sob as he covers his head with the blankets. He’s not tired but that doesn’t mean he can’t dream of a better time. One where he was who he is today and his brothers still breathed.

[inflatingnblue]

worried anon here again, but off anon this time bc fuck it, and also if we can’t be open about shit on our kink blogs, where can we??? 💜

I’ve felt and seen how seductive an ED can be; besides my own history of disordered eating and dysmorphia, the love of my life struggles with pretty serious anorexia, and it kills me to watch her be drawn back in again and again by this terrible thing that our culture only perpetuates, even now that she’s years into recovery. When she was at her worst, when she had almost convinced herself that the ED was “working,” she was so miserable and exhausted and listless and angry all the time, and she still hated her body to the point of suicidality. The weight she lost didn’t fix any of it, but it did make her incredibly hard to be around and made her life feel so small that she didn’t want to live it anymore. It makes me sick that the world we live in would rather we hurt and hate ourselves over and over again, systematically denying ourselves the nutrients we need to live, in order to make us think we’re doing right by our bodies and that people will think we’re beautiful. I’m sure you’ve heard all this kind of thing before, just as my fiancée has, from therapists and partners and friends and family and doctors, but I know from my experience that it’s easier to actually start to hear it when you’re not also exposing yourself to pro-ED voices. When I was in high school and at my most mentally ill, I had a whole secret blog where I posted and reblogged self-harm content, so I genuinely do get how that can make you feel less alone. When you’re at your lowest, the most important thing is to not isolate yourself, even if that means you’re in some darker online spaces. Obviously you can and should like whatever posts you want on here, and me and your other followers can easily protect ourselves by blocking pro-ana tags — I guess I just wanted you to know that someone who doesn’t even know you is genuinely worried about you, and hates to see you unable to see how beautiful and valuable you are.

I get the relapsing stuff too; I hadn’t restricted in almost 10 years, but then last December I went through some major life/career/medication changes and gained like 30 lbs in a couple of months, and all the ED and SH voices came right back. The best things I’ve done for myself since then are the simple ones: 1) remind myself that if it was my fiancée feeling this way I would be endlessly telling her how beautiful she is, 2) try to remember that gaining weight isn’t a moral or health failure and is actually a natural part of getting older, and 3) buy myself some cute new underwear and comfy new pants so I didn’t feel horrible every time I tried to get dressed for the day. It’s taken months, and in the mean time I got a new job, this weird old kink of mine resurfaced (possibly as a coping mechanism? idk man, the human brain is wild), and I yanked myself back into a healthier relationship with food and mirrors, but it was and continues to be fucking HARD.

Long story not-so-short, I am really proud of you for making it this far. I am proud of you for being here, and I am proud of every time you push back against those voices, alluring as they might be. Recovery is the toughest, weirdest thing, but it is so worth it. I hope your husband is loving on you lots, I hope you had a wonderful Halloween looking adorable in your Violet costume, and I hope you’ll reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I’m leaving this as an ask bc I don’t wanna risk making you feel uncomfortable, but feel free to DM me instead of posting/answering it publicly if you’d rather.

💜💜💜

Hello Not So Anon Anymore,

I appreciate you reaching out again and for sharing some of your and your fiancee's stories. One thing I find helpful is hearing about other people's experiences, even if it's not ED related. Hearing how someone has fought and struggled and conquered is good inspiration that maybe not all is lost.

To be honest, I was taken aback by your first ask. When I started reading I was like this person is leaving a compliment, which took a left turn. Not a bad left turn, just an unexpected one. It made me face what I had been doing and it was a good example of how personal struggles don't only affect you.

Oof, I totally understand that crankiness and feeling irritated. I've snapped at people when not meaning to. When you've got a constant stream of thoughts bombarding you it can be easy to lose it, not that it's okay to do so.

Like you said isolation is no bueno. Thinking about my relapse, I did isolate. I'd think maybe I can reach out to a friend, but then I'd stop myself. They've got a lot going on and it always seems like something is wrong when I connect with them, how annoying of me, what a burden. I noticed that no one reached out to me. Not that I was expecting anyone to reach out, but usually friendships go both ways. Both people contact each other and no one did. My ED was like "see, they don't even like you." And that only made the isolation worse.

I also didn't talk to my husband because he had a lot going on and I didn't want to him to try to impede my "progress." Of course I finally told him after several months. He was upset because I wasn't talking to anyone about it, and I don't blame him for feeling that way. Who wouldn't want their significant other to be healthy?

The interesting thing is I was big and I was experiencing symptoms that someone would assume an underweight person faced. I was lightheaded a lot. There were times I wasn't near anything to hold on to so I would crouch to the floor. (I even had a dream of it happening out in public. Tried to will myself to keep walking, but eventually crouched down because I didn't want to fall.) I've never been that lightheaded ever, but I didn't lose much weight when I was younger which is why I never experienced that before. I was scared that my symptoms were increasing in frequency, but at the same time it was a sign that it was "working." I eventually fainted one night. I've never fainted and it was so scary. I didn't even know I had fainted when I first woke up. I literally thought I had somehow fallen out of bed. My memory came back quickly and I couldn't believe I had fainted. Me, overweight, had fainted? I always associated that with those who were underweight, who were actually sick, who actually looked the part of an anorexic. But something that the general population don't seem understand is that it doesn't matter your weight or size - EDs don't discriminate. Starving is starving, regardless of size the body needs energy and when you deplete it the body will respond like a car without gas. It will breakdown.

Also, I totally agree that paying more attention to the bloating and such is a coping mechanism. In a way I think I'm trying to beat "it" first. Like making fun of myself first before someone else can. Making myself big before recovery or my lipedema can. I wish this wasn't such a mind fuck.

I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Being vulnerable is challenging and it's brave you decided to not be Anon this time. And same - reach out to talk, even if you'd like to unpack what's going on with your fiancee. I really hope everything works out for you both. 💙

Thanks again.

[ryan-waddell11]

just something I wanted to say as this week comes to a close!!

tw: ED mention below

This past week is has been so important to me. It was Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to spread awareness. I have struggled with disordered eating behaviors and body dysmorphia since I was 11 years old. Over half of my life. I never realized I had a problem because I wasn’t actively aware. I wasn’t forcing myself not to eat so it never seemed like a problem. I just ate when I felt like it. Now many people only associate eating disorders or disordered eating habits on people who want to lose weight. This is not always the case.

Reflecting on my personal journey I realized that the root of my problems began when I hit puberty and was bullied for developing young. It was something I couldn’t control and I felt like a monster. I remember making the promise to myself not to eat if I wasn’t hungry, which didn’t seem unhealthy, but reflecting now I realized how damaging it was. I kept that promise, but I’ve never been able to free myself from those habits. Even when I look at my body, I see the damage that I’ve done that feels almost irreversible. I have rib flares from where I sucked in my stomach so much to try and look thinner. I have the habit of not eating for hours and days on end and then shoving food in my face the second I feel hungry until that feeling goes away because I don’t know when I’ll be hungry again. it’s incredibly hard for me to break these habits, but I am working towards bettering myself.

This is still something I struggle with every single day. So, while I am currently trying to work on my recovery for these behaviors, I’m not fully recovered, and I don’t think I ever will be because the thoughts that come with this are really hard to overcome and will always be there. I’m afraid I will slip back into my old behaviors. It’s something so difficult to deal with. I never want to say I’m fully recovered because I know that if I do slip into these behaviors I’ll feel like a disappointment.

There is still a lot of stigma and misunderstanding about eating disorders. Although conversations around this topic have changed, there’s unfortunately an underlying view that it is somehow the person’s fault, and that if they could only learn some self-control they would recover easily. This just isn’t true. Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses that require care, treatment and respect in order to help sufferers cope.

A major reason why others and myself don’t look for help/support is because of the negative messages we receive from friends and family. I, like many others didn’t want to be treated differently or make the comments that say, “it’s all in your head,” “she’s not losing any weight she must be faking it,” or “I could never do that. I love food too much.” These are always circling in the mind and sadly this prevents so many from getting the help they need and deserve. Please remember to be kind and mindful when you look at someone’s body. You have no idea with what they’re going through.

It’s one of the scariest and bravest things you can do, but I want to reassure you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.