#me clearly ignoring the john apologism of the episode

[rel312]

What I loved about the last 2 episodes of WWDITS S5 (SPOILERS!!!):

Episode 9:

“The intoxicating elixir to the weary mind” everything Laszlo says is mesmerizing

Nandor using a book as an excuse to not go to The Guide’s art gallery

They have a car???

The vamps being carried around in a pet carrier as bats

Colin Robinson’s mustache

Perdita not even being there

“Six?”

This is all just set up by The Guide right?

The little moment between Guillermo and The Guide

Laszlo’s fencing joke

Laszlo not even moving while The Guide is going crazy

Everything about Laszlo’s fencing scene

His little “oh shit” at the end

Nandor and Colin Robinson playing chess but neither of them know how

The Guide making paintings of the vamps and wanting to show them off to her new friends

None of the vamps caring about the art

The Guide very clearly leading Nadja to the wrong place

Nadja calling Laszlo her best friend 🥹

Nadja pushing The Guide in front of her and The Guide just going “let me go first to keep you safe”

Nadja running away as she says she’s coming to help

The hunt being humans

Nandor thinking college athletes are the “most challenging prey”

Nandor’s impressed “look at him go”

Guillermo just chilling in the house

Nandor bird calling to hunt humans

Nandor literally treating Guillermo like a dog

Nandor actually trying to help The Guide by finding a stick

And then immediately running away from her when the humans come

Colin Robinson’s facial hair

“Predict-ament”

Colin Robinson being convinced everyone disappearing is Guillermo’s fault until he has like 2 seconds to think about it

Guillermo being so gentle with The Guide

The Guide ignoring Guillermo cause she’s trying to make a point

So it was The Guide!

“Glad onion”

Nandor still not understanding what’s happening

All of The Guide’s grievances being with Nadja in the flashbacks

Nadja still making it about her

We were right! The Guide did set up the hex!

I did not have Colin Robinson saying “Did not have that on my 2023 bingo card” on my 2023 bingo card

Nandor sticking onto “taking matters into his own hands” and everybody being like “what???”

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t wanna hurt you”

Nandor’s sad voice asking to make sure he heard it right

“You could’ve asked me” stop it stop it stop it

Babygirl is so sad

The fact that Nandor knew right away what was wrong with Guillermo’s turning

Also whoever called it being the Van Helsing thing was right

The fact that Laszlo knew exactly what date they all said nice things about The Guide

The way Laszlo draws out that “loveeeee”

Guillermo being so proud he turned into a bat for the first time

And then Nandor being upset that he’s rubbing it in

Laszlo protecting Guillermo from Nandor

Nandor’s scream for Guillermo

The way the nice conversation was just to set her up with Colin Robinson so he’ll move out

Episode 10

Guillermo going to Derek

Guillermo telling the crew to come in

Derek not understanding it was the crew that followed him

Nadja tracking Guillermo down

Or… I guess Derek just telling her lol

Wait she went to find Derek specifically to find Guillermo!

Nadja telling Derek her name was Detective Policeman

Nadja trying to protect Guillermo

Nadja going to stop the couple but then joining them

That was… a very personal way of describing Guillermo’s death Nandor

“I have been watching the one place he will return to eventually… Panera Bread”

“He can run, but he cannot run very far. Because he has very short legs”

Patton Oswald????

“Do you know John Slattery?”

Nandor not realizing there’s more than one Panera Bread

Colin Robinson asking Nadja where Guillermo is to find him

Colin Robinson doing an exit interview

“Mr. De la ‘Cruzz’”

“At times almost articulate” the awkward handshake

Nandor going to eat with Payton Oswald at Panera Bread

Laszlo coming to Guillermo too

“I must apologize, Gizmo, I feel like I’ve let you down” he cares

Laszlo starting to be sweet but getting distracted by the tv

“I’m just more afraid of losing the vampires. My friends” STOP he loves them so much

Nandor bringing Patton Oswald to the rooftops

And Nandor kicking him off for suggesting he doesn’t kill Guillermo

The Guide even coming to see Guillermo

Also the animal clones coming to see him

Guillermo telling them there’s no room at the “farm”

Nandor going to Guillermo’s mom to get to him

Nandor deciding not to kill Guillermo because he didn’t like killing Patton Oswald

Nandor’s word as a warrior

Guillermo hypnotizing his mom not to kill Nandor

Nandor telling the others he’s making Guillermo an equal and all of them hating it

Colin Robinson being so concerned on Guillermo possibly taking his seat

Laszlo being so upset that he didn’t think of giving Guillermo human blood

Also Nandor being smarter than Laszlo

“Drink bitch”

Guillermo fully turning and being so excited

Colin Robinson’s “FOMO”

The vamps draining a while restaurant

And Guillermo not wanting to kill anyone and genuinely getting so emotional about it

Nandor having heard the whole convo

Oh my god Nandor was never waiting cause he was fucking with Guillermo or some messed up shit, he was waiting for Guillermo to be ready

THE DJIN!!!!

Of course he ran out of wishes

“I wish I could help you”

Nandor really wanted to fix it though

Nandor tenderly tying Guillermo’s cape

The Baron and the Sire coming to the ceremony

Guillermo wanting to be a human

Did… did the Sure just say “thank you”??

Everyone except for Derek taking off their hoods

Guillermo just… turning back

And growing facial hair in a second

And Nandor carrying around Guillermo’s real glasses

Nandor pronouncing the t in Home Depot

Laszlo offering to Guillermo

Them bringing Derek to the necromancer

Derek having only spent $270 from Guillermo’s money on “vampire clothes” from hot topic

Derek coming back as a zombie

TOPHER????

[17yearslatewithlattes]

In an effort to keep myself sane in what’s clearly gonna be a series of John episodes I’m (mostly) condensing my John rage to one post. Just ignore me I’ve gotta get it out somewhere.

Every time I think I must be being too hard on John he makes the mistake of showing up on screen and I have to dig a deeper hole to bury my expectations for him

John: I need your help finding an incredibly dangerous magical gun.

Dean and Sam: Cool. Mind telling us it’s special powers so we know what to look out for:

John: No.

—

Okay I know this is the men refusing to communicate show, but even by spn standards John’s categorical refusal to give his sons basic information relevant to cases and their baseline survival is genuinely starting to feel pathological at this point.

At first I thought I was just being mean and petty by theorizing that it was a control tactic to keep them dependent on him, but I’m struggling to see any other explanation at this point. 

Edit: Okay having watched the whole episode I suppose he’d say that absolute unquestioning obedience is the best guarantor of safety. If I put in the work of remembering that John was in the army I can dredge up some empathy through recognizing that this thinking was no doubt aggressively drilled into him. 

That being said, that kinda authoritarian thinking does SO much damage wherever it’s found, and when it’s coming from a parent? Yikes. And it cannot continue to function without a high degree of arrogance, self-aggrandizing, and tearing down of those ‘under’ you (all of which we see John engaging in constantly). In John’s case it also requires a certain fundamental lack of curiosity and refusal to learn when the results are constantly exposing the fundamental flaws in the approach.

—

I will fully own that I’m being petty with this, but: I would like to observe that after however long searching for a way to kill the yellow-eyed demon, when John finds out about the colt it is %100 disconnected from any of the research he insists he’s doing. He pulled a letter found by his sons out of their hands and by pure chance it says ‘go here for the kill everything gun’. 

Wait now I say that out loud I stand by it, that’s a solid point in the ‘John is a shit hunter who builds up his own legend by belittling his sons and taking credit for their accomplishments column.’

Here’s the petty part: maybe if John was capable of maintaining any relationship at all Elkins would have just told him about the gun instead of John having to wait all these years to learn about it by accident (through his sons being smart and good at their jobs).

—

Credit where it is due. I was pleasantly surprised by John’s talk with Sam about why he raised them that way and why he responded so horrifically to Sam leaving for college. There’s plenty I take issue with in the particulars of the speech, but when push comes to shove that was a lot closer to an apology and involved something a whole lot closer to genuine introspection than I expected.

He’s given enough reason to distrust him that I do think it may (at least in part) be a manipulation tactic; placating Sam so he’ll stick around until John’s had use of him. But I would like Sam to have that catharsis and will give John the benefit of the doubt unless he forces me to rescind it.

—

However, just in case I was considering softening towards John, the first thing he does after being nice to Sam for five seconds is use Dean as bait. I would like to observe that this is the first possible opportunity John has had during the show for using Dean as bait on a hunt and he is TAKING it.

—

I would like to note that John shows 0 interest in saving the vampire’s captives at any point of this episode. I mean he’d likely have gotten around it to (assuming he’d noticed they were there) but I don’t actually have any concrete reason to assume that without once again giving him the benefit of the doubt when he’s done nothing to earn it. Funny that

—

Minimal credit time part 2: This time when his son’s save his life John actually admits it instead of making them feel like it was was their fault he was in trouble in the first place. And look, going back to the authoritarianism thing, admitting that their disobeying an order had a positive effect, even going so far as to change his mind about his insistence on going it alone that he’s been so didactic about really does seem like a big deal to him, and as infuriating as his behavior has been this episode, taken by itself this episode really looks like it could be a turning point towards John learning to be a better father and building a more positive relationship with his sons. 

Like really truly I like when characters learn and grow and I think it’d be awesome if Sam and Dean’s relationship with their father improved. If I hadn’t spent so much time in Supernatural I really think I’d be holding out a bit of hope for this man right now.

Unfortunately for my optimism on this point I have spent so much time on Supernatural tumblr

—

I have Thoughts about John’s relentless “it’s because I care about you” excuse for every action he takes. However they are still formulating and I have a funny feeling that it’s gonna keep coming up in the next two episodes, so I’ll let those simmer for now.

[roublardise]

One of the thing with 14x13 Lebanon is that it's not Mary and John reuniting. it's 2019-1983!Mary and 2003!John

They shouldn't fall in each others arms like no time had passed. They should be weird out. Mary is 29 and John is 49. And they both can see it, can’t ignore it. 

John isn't who he used to be. And Mary isn't who she should or could have been. They both ended up in a time which wasn't theirs, were none of them should have even breathed, and the one thing that could feel familiar, that could make them feel like home, make them feel like it wasn’t wrong - each others - doesn't even sit right.

They're a misfit made in Heaven. They were never on the same timeline, not even when they had kids. Mary was hiding the hunting part of her life, and she was pushing parts of herself away so she could fall into the Mother role she wanted so bad - so she could not be herself, twist the truth, be the woman she pretended to be, the one she wished she was.

She made a deal to save John, to get the normal life she had dreamt about, and it didn't even work.

She thought she could cling to the fact that, at least, John was a normal guy, a sweet guy, someone who would have been a good father. But she actually lived to see this came out as a lie, too. She has since learned who he’s been and who he grown up to be. People never stop changing, and John had so many years ahead of her, so many years without her, with the kids Mary feels like she failed - with the kids he failed. 

Mary in 2019 was already shaky. She came back to learn she wasn't even there for her children - the one thing she wanted to be. She can't really be there for them now, not in the same way, and she never got time to learn how to be a mother when your children are adults - are older than you. And she has to grieve the man she died for - only to learn he wasn’t the man she actually died for.

And then, when she’s finally finding a place in all of this, John shows up again right in front of her. And she’s her - finally she’s allowed herself to be her. But he’s so much older. She’s 29, but she isn’t who she was when she was 29 in 1983. And John is 49 and could be her father - and she knows that, when she looks at him, at how he barely looks like the John she knew - the one she thought she knew. 

She doesn’t reunite with the man she loved - bc none of them are the people they were nor the one they pretended to be. They weren’t ever meant to meet like that, with so much years between them. They were born the same year, supposed to go through life together, on the same path, on the same rhythm. And yet. 

And they all - Sam and Dean alike - can sit together and enjoy the family reunion, but it’s just a game of playing pretend and they all know that. They all look at each others and only see what was obvious but what they refused to see - that even in the right time, even without any time travels, they would have never fit into the perfect nuclear family, and they sure won’t succeed now. 

That’s not even bc their family specifically is fucked up. They’re just old enough to realize the perfect nuclear family is their shared unachievable dream. It was just easy to pretend they had it when it was memories ; it was easy to pretend they could’ve had it when it was what ifs.  But now it’s right in front of them, and they all know it didn’t work, wouldn’t have worked, and isn’t working. Not like they would want it to.

They just can’t pretend anymore and they’re all grieving what they thought was their happiness - and now they just don’t even know.

They’re all faking smiles & trying to hide their disappointment, bc they don’t realize they are all playing the same game here - they’re still family, more alike than they think. They’re trying to convince the others that they’re okay ; trying to convince themselves one last time that this is okay. 

Even though they see, now, that it’d be easier to move on and accept what it is, just for what it is. They’re all desperate to drop the act but too afraid to do so and ruin it for everyone else. Because it’s fake, but at least they’re together, in this fucked up way, and they don’t know what their family is if not this lie. 

Like if spn truly wants to make me watch Mary and John in 2019, then that’s what I wanna see. I wanna see their tragedy unfolds.

[katsidhe]

top 5 angry sam moments 😇

top 9, you say? 

9) 1.20, at John—“You were pissed you couldn’t control me anymore!” Even though I’m personally drawn more to the quiet, swelling weight that Sam’s anger has in later seasons, his early anger, specifically his anger at John and Dean, is so valid. It’s both sad and compelling to watch this kind of fight drained out of him over the course of the show. 

8) 12.04, at Magda’s mother—“God didn’t kill your daughter. You did.” What’s so fascinating to me about this moment is that it’s a combination of different flavors of anger. Sam’s furious at the hypocritical delusion of this woman, and this is before he knows exactly how twisted her beliefs are, that Magda’s still alive. But he’s met God, he knows God doesn’t have a plan for these people, and the sheer nerve of people using him as their excuse to do nothing infuriates him. 

7) 5.10, at Lucifer—“I’m going to rip your heart out!” The sheer helplessness of this rage! Lucifer’s response--clearly enjoying Sam’s anger--prompts Sam to visibly reign himself in, so as not to offer him more ammunition, and instead start asking questions. This pattern, Sam tangibly sublimating his (useless, suspect, humiliating) anger into something he finds more productive, owes a lot to Lucifer.

6) 8.21, at Metatron— “Pull the friggin’ trigger!” Sam’s half-rabid, half-dead-eyed fury at Metatron straddles the line between hating him as a voyeur and hating him for being ignorant: he’s angry both that Metatron sat out the angel wars, and that he’s been delightedly telling them about all the books he’s read. It’s got that extra, raw element of Sam’s manic, quasi-suicidal approach to the final trials. In this moment, Sam’s furious enough that he’s willing for Metatron to shoot him, if it means Metatron will be forced to accept his own complicity.

5) 7.06, at Dean— “Don't – don't lie to me again. No, don't even talk to me.” Oh, the audacity, the courage, of Sam striking off on his own, in a sea of enemies, without Dean, mid-psychotic break! I love everything about the Amy conflict: how Sam still has the wherewithal to be furious, how Sam finds himself forced to move past it sooner than he’d like because of how inevitably tangled Dean’s self-destruction gets tangled into Sam’s anger.

4) 15.16, at Dean—“Don’t. Don’t. Just drive.” This is the last moment of Sam’s genuine anger at Dean that we get in canon, and it’s a really, really good one. He doesn’t want an apology or an explanation, not anymore--he no longer expects that anything will change. The betrayal and the anger is all too old, too exhausted, for Sam to listen to. Dean is unrepentant in every way that matters. So, drive.

3) 13.21, at Lucifer—“What do you want??” how quickly and violently Sam swallows this anger! Before Lucifer has the chance to say or do anything, you can watch in Sam’s eyes as he regrets this outburst, how he wishes he’d said nothing. and yet there’s still that part of him that would rather be angry at Lucifer than afraid, that pulls up this helpless wrath as a flimsy, pointless smokescreen. I could watch this expression All. Day. 

2) 14.20, at Chuck— “Hey, Chuck!” and then shooting God, because Sam’s just that angry. And he’s angry on Jack’s behalf and on Dean’s behalf but mostly importantly on his own behalf. Angry enough at this awful cosmic voyeur to shoot his own shoulder too, angry enough to invite the wrath of God Himself: Sam Winchester was angry enough to make God bleed. Hearteyes.   

1) 9.10, at Dean— “Don’t go thinking that’s the problem, 'cause it’s not.” Sam’s anger here is soft, and it’s colored heavily by betrayal--enough, almost, to smother it. But Sam holds it close and quiet for so many episodes. Season 9 is charged with it. He can barely speak it aloud because of how mixed in it with with his awful devastation; he has to nurse that hot spark so carefully to keep it alive for as long as he does. Even though it eventually, inevitably, grows cold, it’s still one of the most difficult things he’s ever done.   

[amazingmaeve]

Jealous - John Shelby

Peaky Blinders Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Summary: John gets jealous when one of Graces family members flirts with Y/N

Request: When you can John Shelby smut prompts 88 and 92 please . ❤️

Requested By: Anonymous

John Shelby x Feamle!reader

Warnings: Smut 18+, some spoilers for season 3

AN: Set during the first episode of season 3

Word Count: 1149

Y/N and John have been married for years. And even throughout those years they still get jealous. John would always get jealous if a guy was flirting with Y/N. The same with Y/N if there was a girl flirting with him she would get jealous.

Sometimes they would try to make each other jealous. Like now with Y/N trying to make John jealous since he's always out late and making Y/N be at home alone.

She confronted him about this a few nights before Tommy and Graces wedding which made them have an argument.

John claimed that Y/N was being to needy and that she should be grateful that he's getting them money. Which made Y/N look at him shock. She couldn't believe the words he was saying to her.

So Y/N went over to stay at Pollys for the next few times ignoring her husband who was apologizing to her.

Y/N knew he would watch over the kids so during the day she would take care of them while leaving by the time John got home.

Y/N was mad. But soon enough that madness turned into sadness when she actually thought about what John said.

Was she really needy?

Y/N though she wasn't but maybe that was the reality. She was a needy wife.

Even with that sadness of she wanted to get back at. And it's not like she was going to cheat on him to make him jealous.

Just talking to another guy would do that. But she would never actually cheat on John because even though she wouldn't admit she still loved him.

So when the wedding she didn't sit next to John and when the wedding was over she started talking to one of Graces family members.

He was handsome but not as handsome as John.

She wasn't flirting with him she was talking with him but she knew that would even make him jealous. She didn't know why but it does.

She saw out of the corner of her eye John watching them. Y/N let out a sigh as he walked towards them with fury building inside his stomach.

"Mind if I talk to my wife," John seethed at the guy and before he could say anything he dragged her a few feet away.

“John calm down we were just talking," Y/N rolled her eyes at her husband who was clearly jealous.

"No he was eye fucking you," John snapped at Y/N.

"You're jealous," Y/N smirks at her husband who shook his head in denial.

"I'm not jealous! It's just... you're mine love," John says while cringing knowing that he is jealous.

"So if you're not jealous does that mean I can go over and continue to have that conversation with him," Y/N asks stepping closer to John who rolled his eyes.

"Fine I'm jealous love," John boroughs his hands to her waist while Y/N smirked at the action. "I just want you."

"Does that mean I'm not needy," Y/N asks looking up at her husband who had a guilty look on his face.

"I'm sorry," John says quietly.

"What was that," Y/N did hear but she wanted to hear it again.

"I said I was sorry I was angry that night and didn't mean to take it out on you," John says a little louder this time. "Do you forgive me darling," John whispered.

"Hmm let me think about," Y/N smile at him. "Of course I do," She  lets out a little laugh at Johns face which was confused at her first sentence.

John leans down to kiss her to which makes her wrap her arms around his neck kissing him back.

Johns head goes to the crook of her neck peppering kisses all over.

"If we weren't in public right now I'd have my head between your legs," John whispered in her ear which made her gasp and hit his arm.

"John," Y/N scolded him while a blush crossed her cheeks.

"What you're just so irresistible," John gave her a smirk.

"Okay whatever you say love," Y/N rolled her eyes.

"Follow me darling," John grabbed her hand and dragged through out Tommy's halls.

"John where are you taking me," Y/N asked with a giggle while John was dragging her throughout the halls.

"To a private area," John answered her questioned when found a room that was empty and dragged her in locking the door.

Before Y/N could say anything John wrapped his arms around her waist kissing her.

Y/N was surprised but kissed him back wrapping her arms around his neck.

John brought his hands to hers and pulled her towards the bed without breaking the kiss.

He laid Y/N down and started to kiss her neck and finding her sweet spot making her scratch down his back.

He pulled up her dress halfway so only the lower half of her body was showing.

"So gorgeous," John whispered as he pulled her dress off leaving her in her undergarments.

He began to kiss her stomach creating hickeys in his trail. He brought him self to her underwear and rubbed her clit through her panties.

Y/N let out a moan as he began to rub faster. Y/N tried to close her legs around his head which made him chuckle and spread her legs out.

“Come on love don’t be shy,” John smirked then took off her panties revealing her wet pussy.

John smirked at how wet she was already. He brought his finger to circle her folds which where sopping wet.

“John,” Y/N whined feeling turned on so much and he’s barely even touched her.

John let out a laugher and brought his finger to her hole and circled his and then pushed two fingers in. Y/N arched her back as he curled his finger to her g spot.

“That feel good darling,” John asked amused by her reaction to his fingers. Y/N let out a moan and clenched around his fingers while nodding at his question.

John brought his tongue to her clit and began to lick around it. Y/N let out a moan while burying her hands in his hair.

The bundle nerves was swollen from the teasing and then he brought his lips to suck on her clit.

“John,” Y/N moaned out loudly as he sucked harshly while his fingers went faster.

Y/N let out a loud moan as one harsh suck to her clit sent her over the edge and came all over his fingers.

John smirked and pulled his fingers out of her and began to kiss up her body and finally reaching her lip.

He kissed her with passion as she could taste herself in him.

“Hope you feel better now love.”

[finalgirlbrainrot]

I have two unpopular opinions 1) if roles were reversed and Dean was the one drinking blood, Dean stans would have excused the shit out of it and even liked it. 2) if none of Dean's trauma was addressed and ignored (like most of Sam's trauma is) Dean stans would fucking riot.

intensely aggressively strongly agree | strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree

(sorry in advance, I ranted A Lot)

2) I'm gonna start with this one. YESYESYES I mean dean stans are already constantly unironically whining that dean's traumas never get acknowledged (EVEN THO IT'S LITERALLY NOT TRUE, HIS TRAUMAS ALREADY GET ACKNOWLEDGED MORE THAN ENOUGH. EVERY TIME HE STUBS HIS TOE. EVERYONE IS CODDLING HIM AND ASKING HIM HOW HE'S DOING. HALF THE SHOW IS LITERALLY DEAN MANPAINING ABOUT HIS TRAUMAS - but apparently that's not enough for them, so I can't imagine the uproar if it was actually true). meanwhile sam's traumas either get ignored or they get treated like a fucking joke? well I guess it's just another tuesday

I've also seen a lot of dean stans moaning about sam "forcing dean to talk about his traumas", because apparently sam actually acknowledging dean's traumas and encouraging him to open up about them and being always supportive af because he actually cares is unacceptable (and I'm willing to bet that if he didn't acknowledge them, they'd still complain because sam literally can't win no matter what he does)

but dean ignoring and never acknowledging sam's traumas (not even when he's directly responsible for said trauma) or making them all about himself (mystery spot, hallucifer, soullessness, gadreel possession) or vilifying and victim blaming him (being force-fed demon blood, soullessness, gadreel possession) or using said traumas to justify his actions (hallucifer) or making cruel, disgusting and unnecessary jokes about them ("you had a girl inside you for a whole week" [meg possession] "you know how wrong that sounds, right?" "you've like an episode of teen mom" [gadreel possession - let's talk about how these two in particular are a thousand times more disgusting than the rest since he's actually joking about a violation he's directly responsible for] "smores foot" [bmol torture] "crybaby pie" [cole torture] "you saw the [devil's] john [or butt]?" [the cage] dick of death jokes right, left and center) is perfectly acceptable behaviour

1) again YESYESYESYES. I mean, this isn't even a hypothesis, we already have an extremely similar storyline for dean - the moc - and everyone made excuses for him and glorified him, even tho he was worse than demon blood sam in every possible way

actually I wrote a rant on reddit a couple of days ago about the awful double standards between demon blood sam and moc/demon dean. I'm gonna paste it here because I'm Bitter Af

comparing demon blood sam and moc/demon demon is ironically and hysterically bitter because, logically, no matter how you spin it, s4 sam is much more understandable and easy to sympathize with - both in intentions and actions - and should have the moral high ground, while s9-10 dean was flat out awful and damaging. yet both the show and the fandom crucify sam and treat dean as some poor victim or a great martyred hero who made some great noble sacrifice and I just... don't get it. so let's break it down:

> reason for drinking blood / getting the moc

- sam: exorcising demons without harming the host, thus saving people (which apparently isn't that relevant to dean) and killing lilith, first because she sent his brother to hell and then to stop the apocalypse and because she was an actual threat

- dean: because he couldn't face the consequences of his actions after the gadreel mess and decided he wanted to kill abaddon, who, at that point, wasn't even their problem (she only became a real problem in 9x17, when they learned about the soul harvesting, so unless dean has some sort of prophetic knowledge, he had no reason to take the moc in 9x11) and was a real threat to no-one but crowley

> trusting / working with a demon

- sam: I've already said this before, but ruby was a master manipulator and went to extraordinary lengths to gain sam's trust and even managed to fool every single demon (aside from lilith obviously). as far as both brothers knew, she's done nothing but help them, saved their lives multiple times and helped them save others, fixed the colt for them, was there for sam after dean died, is basically hunted by other demons for helping them, has risked her life for them several times and even got tortured for them and was helping sam to go after the demon who was trying to start the apocalypse. sam had absolutely no valid reason not to trust her. I'd really like someone to look me in the eyes and tell me that, if anyone did everything I mentioned above, you wouldn't trust them

- dean: trusted a demon who they knew is extremely untrustworthy and self-serving and only does what's in his best interest and has screwed them over one way or another every time they worked together and has hurt people they're close to

> level of manipulation involved

- sam: as I already said, ruby was a master manipulator and spent two years carefully manipulating sam to get him to do what she wanted. not the mention everything azazel did to get him there, lilith pushing his buttons at every turn to get him to kill her and the manipulation from heaven as well, who were lying to the boys at every turn

- dean: while crowley was manipulating him, the level of manipulation isn't remotely comparable to the one sam went through is s4. crowley saying “let’s kill abaddon” and pretending to be afraid of cain is not comparable to a plan that’s been set on motion since the beginning of time and crowley wasn't the only one involved in dean getting the mark. cain was involved as well and he wasn't manipulating him (unlike sam, who was being manipulated by everyone involved). on the contrary, he was completely honest with dean and even offered to tell him more about the mark and DEAN REFUSED (like can you imagine how many problems would've been avoided if dean sat on his ass for one minute and listened to cain's warning???)

> actions

- sam: in s4 sam was trying to use something that was forced on him when he was six months old, and that he hated about himself, to do good because he felt like he had to and was literally SAVING PEOPLE and trying to stop the apocalypse, I literally still don't get why he's vilified for it????? in s4 sam killed a total of one (1) person: the possessed nurse and while that was obviously bad, 1) he was clearly upset about it and 2) I still haven't seen one (1) valid reason for why she's any different from the demons dean drained and killed in swan song or from any of the other possession victims they killed with the demon knife or the angel blade

- dean: meanwhile dean was going around murdering people left and right (also another example of fandom double standards: everyone defends moc!dean and demon!dean because "he only killed bad people" - which isn't even true, but let's say he was - and yet, I seem to remember a certain kitsune named amy pond, who was ALSO killing bad people (and not for the lolz of it, but to save her son) and dean killed her and the fandom defended him back then as well. is killing bad people okay only if dean does it?), tried to kill sam, beat cas bloody

> keeping secrets

- sam: keeping his powers and the demon blood a secret was his god given right, since it affected no-one but sam himself and the demons he was exorcising. not to mention, he had pretty good reasons for not telling dean, considering his bigotry, black and white views and judgmental attitude. and yet, he was, and still is, vilified by both the show and the fandom for keeping secrets and dean even punched him for not telling him about his abilities (something in particular about this point that absolutely drives me up the wall: in 4x04 sam accidentally revealed that he knew about what azazel did to him and dean got mad at him for not telling him about it, even tho dean himself found out about it and didn't tell sam and no-one - not the show, not the fandom and not even sam and dean themselves - notices the hypocrisy. they're literally saying that it's okay for DEAN to keeps something about SAM a secret from SAM, but not okay for SAM to keep something about HIMSELF a secret from DEAN. if you don't think that's super fucked up, then I don't know what to tell you)

- dean: no-one says anything about dean keeping the effects of the mark a secret, even tho, unlike s4 sam, lying about the mark directly affected other people and put everyone around him in danger, including sam

> general treatment

- sam: everyone treated sam like a monster in s4, dean straight up called him a monster, told him he'd hunt him if he didn't know him, forced him into a torture-detox that almost killed him, tried to control him and refused to see his point. at the end of s4 sam apologized to dean. in s5 dean repeatedly told him that he doesn't trust him. sam was blamed for everything that happened in s4 and his mistake kept getting brought up even seasons later

- dean: everyone and their mom was coddling him and helping to get rid of the mark. everyone considered the mark to be the problem, not dean himself. sam was unconditionally supportive. dean never once apologized to sam for any of the awful things he said/did to him while he had the mark. sam never once blamed dean for anything that happened in s9-10 and instead placed the blame on crowley and none of the things dean did ever got brought up again

> at the end of each arc

- sam: paid for his mistake by sacrificing himself and jumped into the cage and saved the world and got tortured by the devil himself for centuries

- dean: paid for his mistake by having his mother brought back to life

send me unpopular opinions

[estrel]

Catalysts & Changes: a 15x16 Meta

I wanted to talk really quickly about Dean’s change this season, especially regarding 15x16.

My main focus of this meta is to talk about Mary’s impact on Dean being the catalyst for this change we’ve been seeing, but I’m also going to be mentioning some Cas/destiel things to tie into this. So, here we go:

I. Mary as Catalyst & Myth

Mary is Dean’s reason. By that I mean that literally the whole reason Dean hunts--or, rather, continues to hunt, since John honestly forced it on him--was all in the hopes of catching what killed Mary. That was the main purpose of season 1, other than finding John. This is Dean’s motivation, his basis as a character. 

Dean has also mentioned on multiple occasions that Mary was why he was brave, why he kept fighting, and that he often thought about her. 

Dean: I was scared, too. I didn’t feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom...I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day (1.03 Dead in the Water)

Remember this quote, because I think it’s eerily similar to the one in 15.16 that I’ll talk about later in this post.

This makes sense--she’s his mom, he should be affected in some way about her death. But Dean takes it to the extreme, based his life around it, held on to it for far too long. Sam was different, because he never actually knew Mary, and we know from earlier seasons that their feelings about her are pretty different. 

Meanwhile, almost any time Dean has dreamt of something ideal, Mary was there (think of his djinn dream in 2.20 where Mary never died, and in heaven in 5.16). We can especially see that this is true because of what Amara said in Gimme Shelter:

Dean: What was the point?

Amara: I wanted two things for you, Dean. I wanted you to see that your mother was just a person. That the myth you’d held onto for so long of a better life, a life where she’d lived, was just that: a myth. I wanted you to see that the real, complicated Mary, was better than your childhood dream because she was real. That now is always better than then. That you could finally start to accept your life. (15.15 Gimme Shelter)

Here, Amara was anticipating a turning point. She had wanted Dean to be “released” by having Mary back, but obviously this didn’t happen. Instead, Mary’s death was once again the catalyst for Dean’s change, just like it was the first time when Azazel killed her. We can also see from this that Dean has always been stuck in the past, hence Amara telling him that he should be focusing on now, instead. Another thing to note for future reference is the “real” line. Remember Cas saying “we are” when Dean asks him what is real.

Mary was also not exactly what Sam or Dean--hell, not even the viewers--had been expecting when she returned. She was scared, alone, and had trouble dealing with being back in a new century with her little boys all grown up and even worse-- hunting. But Dean eventually accepted this. He accepted the real version of Mary, but continued to idolize her and bring up the past.

II. Mary’s Death

Now let’s take a look at what’s happened since Mary’s second death:

Denial. Dean hopes Mary isn’t actually dead, even though all signs point to this.

Grief. Dean cries alone at the site of her death.

Blame. Dean blames Jack and Cas for what happened. 

During and after the funeral, Dean avoids talking about it with anyone. However, he is obviously affected by her death. Sam even holds Cas back from going to Dean while burning the pyre. Bobby makes a comment about Dean being a lot like him and not wanting to show his feelings to others.

These all sound like the Dean that’s been built up since season 1. Not dealing with his feelings properly at all, pushing people away, denial. The one thing that makes this time different from other deaths, though, is that--just like the first time Mary died--there's no body to bring back. It's implied in 14.19 that if there had been, Dean would have tried, because he even tells Sam:

Note: This is also an episode where we see Jack being a mirror for Dean by doing exactly that--doing everything in his power to try to bring Mary back by himself. It doesn’t work; Mary’s gone for good. And she’s happy--she’s in heaven! 

In addition to there not being a body, Dean also knows who did it. It's not some unidentifiable yellow-eyed demon that he can spend years tracking down, it's Jack. It's his son, it's someone he can't and won't kill, because he's family, even if he’s guilty. So Dean has no outlet for his rage except to put blame on not only Jack, but Cas (specifically in 15.03 The Rupture, Jack is dead at this point and he pushes Cas away for several episodes). And here is where Dean begins to change.

III. The Shift: Anger, Apologies, and Forgiveness

Because then, in 15.09 The Trap, there is a big, significant shift. Dean forgives Cas:

Dean: You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. 

He cries, looks around, and gets on his knees.

Dean: I don’t know why I get so angry. I just know-I just know that it’s just always been there. And when things go bad, it just-it comes out. And I can’t- I can’t stop it. No matter how--how bad I want to, I just can’t stop it. And I forgive you, of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long to...I’m sorry it took me ‘til now to say it.  (15.09 The Trap)

This is an incredibly important scene because it shows that Dean knows about his anger--the anger that Amara talks about in 15x15, and he wants to stop it. 

Amara: I thought having [Mary] back would release you...put that fire out. Your anger. But I guess we both know I failed at that.

Dean: You’re damn right.  (15.15 Gimme Shelter)

After this, Dean clarifies that he’s not only angry, but furious. This is change, this is change caused directly by Mary’s death--by Amara bringing her back again. Dean might say he is furious, but he has also said before that he wants to stop his anger. And, in many ways, he’s been taking steps towards doing that: 

For example, here in 15.09 when Dean forgives Cas, (gif credit)

and here in 15.14 when he tells Jack he’s trying to forgive him for killing Mary, (gif credit)

and again in 15.16 for not telling Sam and Caitlin about the dead bodies when they were younger (gif credit)

and most recently, at the end of 15.16, when he didn’t tell Sam about Jack dying. (gif credit)

So now we’ve taken the turn towards forgiveness. Dean has been handing out apologies and forgiveness like never before this season, which is a definite change to how it used to be with him. He’s opening up, and he is trying to do better and be better than before. Billie also tells him this at the diner:

(gif credit)

I’m inclined here to believe that Dean is on that road to forgiveness with Jack. I mean, he said it himself in 15.14 that he’s trying, and Cas also vouched for him when Jack asked if forgiveness from Dean was a possibility. So in 15.16, when Dean says they have “no choice” but to let Jack die, it’s not because it doesn’t haunt him. It clearly does, with the entire episode dealing with Dean coping with the deaths of children, even his brother. He doesn’t want Jack to die, but his anger, his fury towards Chuck is taking precedence over that. It’s something he wants to change, but feels like he has no choice in the matter.

To add on to this, Jack has been a clear mirror for Dean this entire season. Dean’s argument with Sam about them having no choice is an indication of this. Just an episode prior in 15.15, Jack told Cas that the choice wasn’t his whether or not Jack died. So the pair ups in 15.17 aren’t all that surprising. With the episode being titled “Unity,” I think that the four of them will reach an agreement by the end of the episode (I keep mentioning agreements in all of my metas, because I think Chuck/Amara and Sam/Eileen’s agreement had important implications, but alas...), and be unified in a new plan to defeat Chuck. 

As for Dean? I don’t think his ending is going to be expected. He is changing--he won’t be making the same decisions he used to make in earlier seasons. 

I also find it fascinating that they made 15.16 a flashback episode to their past as children. Not only did 15.16 show us Dean being annoyed by sex, ignoring a possible love interest (which we were right as an audience to assume it would be written that way, because it has been so many times before), and how he’s dealing with the prospect of Jack’s death (with all of the imagery of dead children), but it really brought to light how much Dean has changed. 

The most obvious way they showed us this was through this scene with Caitlin (who looks eerily like a young Mary...interesting), who says this:

(gif credit)

Dean: Always am.

Caitlin: You have changed. The old you never would have admitted that.

Dean: Well, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Caitlin: I think so. What do they say about getting older? You tell the truth more because lies...they don’t make anything better. (15.16 Drag Me Away (From You)) 

Now, ignoring the fact that Dean has admitted this (in 1.03), we know that the only time he has admitted to being scared before was in relation to Mary. But I think what the writers were going for here was not only to highlight Dean’s recent character growth by admitting to Caitlin that he’s changed, but also the running theme of lying this season. I’ve said it before that Sam has been the only one telling the truth in s15, and I think it’ll eventually come into play during the final episodes. The truth/lies aspect will become a central plot point--I mean, it already is. But I think it’ll factor into how the show will end as a whole, especially with this episode and previous ones alluding to normalcy and the possibility of it for Sam. 

I’m going to finish this here, because I’ve dragged on too long, but some other (destiel) things to note are:

Dean falling to his knees in the hallway as a parallel to falling on his knees in Purgatory, praying to Cas, apologizing.

Dean cutting off Baba Yaga’s fingers, whereas Cas restored a woman’s fingers in 15x15. The pastor telling Cas that people are god’s hands; they lift each other up with each finger. The implications of Dean cutting people off, and Cas bringing people together.

another amazing meta regarding 15.16 and another about dean changing + 15.16

[ultrahpfan5blog]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Season 6 Retrospective

After the euphoria of everything that happened with B99 being cancelled and then revived, B99 returning for a season 6 felt like a gift. Basically a bonus in a way. It was a quasi relaunch of the show in NBC and I have to say that NBC promoted it a lot more than I remember Fox promoting it. Having finished season 6, it is a mixed bag. The season has a lot of really great episodes, a few mediocre ones, and one that I despise with every fiber of my being. And because of those handful of episodes that don't live up to the mark, season 6 ranks as my least favorite season. However, B99 even at its worst is considerably better than almost everything else on tv so its not a very heavy criticism of the season as a whole.

The previous season left the question of Holt becoming Commissioner unanswered. And while it would have been interesting to see B99 tackle Holt becoming Commissioner, it would have fundamentally been impossible to continue it as a singular workplace comedy if Holt and maybe Gina were working elsewhere permanently. So it was obvious he was not going to become Commissioner. The premiere is a delight. Its a honeymoon episode for Jake and Amy with a depressed Holt right in the middle of it. This episode is has plenty of great moments for Holt's variety of novelty t-shirts, to Jake and Amy's Die Hard roleplay, to Amy standing up for Jake and going off on Holt, to the hilarious 'this B needs a C in her A' moment which was clearly the writers having a lot of fun with having lesser language restrictions. The B and C stories are ok, but the A story is a delight. The next episode is a Hitchcock and Scully episode which is nice because we get to see them as studs in the 80's. There is a problem that it does not match up to flashbacks they have done in the past but I kind of ignore that. The next two episodes are dealing with Chelsea Peretti's departure from the show. Tbh, when Chelsea was on maternity leave for the first half of season 5, I didn't really feel her absence. Plus, it did start to feel at times that the writers weren't sure how to include her organically. The Tattler is a cute episode. I love the 90's look of the episode. Melissa Fumero looked adorable. Its probably one of the best Jake and Gina episodes, a dynamic which was strangely underserevd over the course of the show given Andy and Chelsea are childhood friends. But this episode and also their stuff in 'Four Movements' bring up the best in their dynamic. 'Four Movements' is a sweet goodbye although i wish Terry and Boyle had gotten a personal goodbye like Holt, Jake, Amy, and Rosa got.

The season's main storyline is Holt's fight with John Kelly, the new Commissioner. I thought Phil Reeves was pretty damn great as John Kelly. He was just slimy enough to know why he got on Holt's nerves and still charming enough so you could see why other people might like him if they didn't know him. The show continues to do some strong experiments. I love 'The Crime Scene', which is very much centered on Jake and Rosa. The episode doesn't have any B plots and just lets Any and Stephanie carry the episode with a fun appearance from Michael Mosley. It also effectively resolved the pending story from season 5 regarding the issues between Rosa and her mom since she came out as Bi. In terms of platonic friendships between a guy and girl, I feel Jake and Rosa is one of the most well created friendships I have seen on tv. There is also a real time episode in 'Ticking Clocks' guest starring Sean Astin, who was one of the celebrities who championed B99 when it was cancelled. I enjoyed that episode quite a bit because it got the whole ensemble involved. My only issue with it is that it made me dislike Jocelyn. I didn't like the way she broke up with Rosa on her way to the airport and put Rosa under the pump when she saw that they were in a high pressure situation. Holt was pretty right to be mad at the end of the episode. the show also tackled sexual assault with 'He Said, She Said' which is a home run in terms of acting performance for Melissa Fumero. Definitely some of her best dramatic work on the show. She's very ably backed up by Andy Samberg and Stephanie Beatriz who also directed the episode. The episode isn't a complete home run because there is a tonal inconsistency. Its a tough subject to be funny about. There is B plot that is completely unrelated connected to Holt's pursuit of the Yo Yo strangler and its a hoot. But it clashes in tone with the A plot which is pretty serious for the most part. Whereas an episode like Moo Moo managed to connect both the A and B stories with the single topic with Jake and Amy having to explain to Terry's kids about Racism. But honestly, this was about as well an episode on this topic that I can imagine.

The middle of the season is when the show hit a bit of rough patch, starting with Gintars. I like what the episode says about adoption and it was refreshing to see Charles be more assertive to Jake, but the whole deportation angle left a bit of a sour taste in the mouth. The B plot also has Holt and Amy being uncharacteristically mean spirited and while they apologize to Rosa at the end, the episode didn't make it feel they actually learned their lesson. The Therapist is kind of meh. Its another Jake going behind Charles' back episode. While the episode comes around at the end by giving a reason why Jake doesn't like therapy and Jake admitting that he needs to got to therapy, the rest of the episode involves a lot of jokes at patients and therapists which just isn't all that funny. Casecation is my least favorite episode on the show. Its an episode that is so tone deaf and inconsistent in characterization that it just irritates me. The rewatch is only the 2nd time I have watched the episode. I tend to skip it during the rewatches. Its bizarre how badly OOC almost every character is. I think Terry and Charles are the only ones who aren't OOC. While Jake's fears about parenthood are grounded in realistic concerns, we have had several moments where Jake has talked about having kids in the future. So the fact that he comes off as not wanting kids is inconsistent with what we know of him. I was not surprised with Amy being pro family, coming from a big family herself, but the fact that an organized person like her didn't outright have this conversation with Jake before marriage is not believable at all. The episode is also really mean spirited. The structured debate part has Amy, Holt, Kevin etc... all making fun of Jake's fears, Amy being emotionally manipulative and issuing ultimatums, Rosa offering to bully Jake into agreeing with Amy. In general, this maybe the only episode where I disliked Amy, whom I otherwise adore. I understand her perspective, but the way she handles it is unkind. I could honestly go on a long diatribe about why the episode is terrible. In the end, the mean spirited nature of the episode is what turns me off because the thing I love about B99 as a whole is the optimistic and idealistic nature of the show. Gina's return in 'Return of the King' is also not a favorite. Again, the episode just makes Gina look like a bad friend for blowing off Jake and Terry without explanation for so long.

However, thankfully, these 4 episodes are just a blip on the radar. The rest of the episodes are filled with a lot of hilarity. The Bimbo is one of my favorite Holt episodes. Jake and Holt is a dynamic that can never go wrong. Add Kevin to the mix and you have solid gold. Holt as "the bimbo" is a damn funny idea and its executed brilliantly. Cinco de Mayo is the first heist episode not on Halloween and its my third favorite. Mainly because I always root for terry since he always gets underestimated or made fun of during the heists. The Golden Child brings Lin-Manuel Miranda, another B99 celebrity fan, in as Amy's brother and its a lot of fun to watch Jake play the straight man whereas we see Amy being the crazy competitive one with Lin being up to the challenge as well. Craig Robinson makes a welcome return as Doug Judy, and The Honeypot is another hilarious Jake and Holt episode. The season ends really strong with Sicko and The Suicide Squad, bringing back Caleb the cannibal, Wuntch, The Vulture, and CJ. CJ is still a bit much but the others are all a hoot. It was nice to see Wuntch on the right side of things for once and we yet again see why Jake is considered the best and brightest of the 99 with his plan to take down John Kelly. The season doesn't have a cliffhanger, more a rejigging of the 99 dynamic with Holt being demoted to patrol officer temporarily.

Overall, it still a fun season. But the four episodes that didn't work bring the grade down a bit. Its a 7.5/10 overall. Now, onto season 7 with just days left before season 8 begins.

[midnightcreator12]

Falcon & the Winter Soldier Redemption Arcs

So I just finished FATWS. Loved it, praying for a season 2. But I’ve seen some talk on character redemptions and I want to throw in my 2 cents.

Of course, spoilers for the final episode, and the whole show in general. If you want to go in spoiler free, bookmark this post, watch the show and come back when you’re done. 

First, John Walker.

Lota people saying Walker redeemed himself in the finale by saving the senators. I’ve seen people say him dropping his shield was symbolic of him choosing to be a good hero and thus redeeming himself.

But...he didn’t redeem himself. Yes, he helped save the day, but he still hasn’t charged. 

He’s not pure evil, I’ll acknowledge that. But he’s clearly got himself on a pedestal, even if he’s no longer Captain America. He did choose to save the senators over chasing Karli, but then when he goes with Sam and Buck he splits off with no hesitation, not even asking Sam (who is technically the lead on this mission) if there’s a plan.

In the end, he never acknowledged what he did wrong as Captain America. Him being discharged from the military and striped of the Captain America title should have taught him to take a step back and learn humility and how to be responsible with the power he was given. But h never once acknowledge that he was in the wrong. 

He pointed his finger at everyone (he was following the GRCs orders, that man was a terrorist so he deserved to die, Sam and Bucky are making him fight them) but himself. Yeah, the military and GRC did screw him over, but his actions are his own and he doesn’t ever own up to them.

So, yeah, not a pure evil monster. But definitely not a nice guy. Walker is still up on his pedestal, probably doesn’t even regret that he killed a man in cold blood and is only sad that it resulted in him getting discharges for a few days.

Next is Karli. My sister mentioned that she got redeemed at the end before I saw the finale and I was very interested to see how that was going to go.

Karli is an interesting character to me. The title of Robin Hood is very fitting for her. She sees that the less fortunate are suffering, people who didn’t have the safety nets of family or connections to fall back on when GRC started reintegrating the ones who came back. She took from the ones in power, who were ignoring the people suffering in the camps in favor of everyone who came back, and she gave those resources back to people who needed them.

But like Walker, she puts herself on a pedestal. Through the show she escalates how far she’ll go for her cause and refuses to see that it’s wrong because how can it be? She’s doing this to help people! 

She had a few chances for redemption, the biggest being when she accidently killed Hoskins. That should have been a moment where she sees that she’s hurting people, people who don’t deserve to die because a few guys in positions of power are being assholes.

Maybe she did, maybe she had a little breakdown like Walker did. But in the end, Hoskins life didn’t matter. It was an accident, right? She didn’t mean to kill him, he was just in the way! He shouldn’t have gotten in her way.

(sidetrack, he telling Walker that Hoskins life ‘didn’t matter’ was what sealed the deal on her for me. She’s basically saying “it didn’t matter to me, why should I be upset?’ she said sorry, but it was hallow)

Karli is a desperate girl in a situation that is spiraling out of control by the finale. She’s got herself on a towering pedestal but its crumbling out from under her.

I assume most people took her ‘I’m sorry’ as she was dying as her redemption. And, while acknowledge and apologizing for ones wrongful deeds is the first step to redemption, it’s not even close to the full atonement. 

Karli took too long and had crossed to many lines. By the time she realized the full weight of what she had done, it was too late to make amends.

But you know who did have a good redemption arc in this show?

James ‘Bucky’ Barnes

Now, of course, what Bucky did as the Winter Soldier was not his fault but even knowing that it’s clear Bucky feels like he needs to make amends. 

He probably would have been out trying to fix everything HYDRA made him do with or with out his therapist (she sucks. no essay, i just hate her) telling him to make amends.

But like Sam said. Bucky wasn’t amending, he was avenging. He was going after the people who had benefited from HYDRA and bring them to justice in an attempt to come to terms with his trauma. 

But that’s the easy part. Going after the bad guys is something Bucky is good at.

Sitting down with someone, one on one, and telling them that you murdered their son because he saw something he shouldn’t have? That’s fucking hard. That’s terrifying to do.

Even if he had no choice, it’s still hard to tell someone something like that.

But it had to be done if Bucky wanted to climb out of his personal hell and move on.

And he did it! For every single person on his list. And he’s so much happier because of it! He got his closure, his redemption, and started moving on with his life.

I could do a whole 2nd post about Bucky working through his problems being the secondary plot to the show!

[the-darklings]

—𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒊 𝒔𝒂𝒊𝒅;

pairing: john wick x f!reader x santino d’antonio

word count: 9.6k+

summary: “You were friends once.”

warnings: swearing, angst town.

notes: Welcome back to “pain and suffering”. Please fasten your seatbelts, keep your limbs inside the cart at all time, and enjoy your ride!!! Also, thank you for reading this fic. Every note/comment/reblog/message means the world <33

children of ares series: 01 | 02 | 03 | . . | 05 |

[4 YEARS LATER]

“Well, well, if it isn’t my father’s loyal little bitch.”

Your eyes slide towards Iosef, drilling into him with a stony expression. Cocky and as irritating as always. Some things never change.

“Don’t you have kindergarten, little boy?” you wonder out loud.

His nostrils flare, eyes bulging at your dismissive tone and he jumps up from his seat. His friend holds him back, shooting you a brief, panicked look.

“What did you say to me, bitch?” he spits out in harsh Russian as you calmly shrug off your coat, dropping it on an empty chair as you sit down.

You don’t answer him, checking your phone instead, and the spoiled brat continues spitting words he no doubt thinks make him sound tough. It grows old quickly, and your eyes lift back to him again, considering. His friend looks increasingly uncomfortable under your scrutiny.

“Shut up, boy.”

Tarasov’s voice cuts through the room with a coldness that snaps his son’s mouth shut right away. The Russian enters his office calmly, removing his coat as his guards scatter around the room. Your eyes meet and your eyebrows rise in a silent question. Tarasov actually looks apologetic.

“What is it that you’re doing here?”

Iosef bristles at his father’s tone, clearly haven’t expected the older man’s displeasure to be directed his way, and pulls himself out of his friend’s loose hold.

“We need to talk, father,” he informs shakily before shooting a vicious glare your way. “But this bitch needs some manners to be beaten into her first. You didn’t hear the disrespect she showed me. We should—”

“You will shut your mouth and get out of my office,” Tarasov cuts his son’s tantrum off firmly as he pours himself a glass of vodka. “We have business we must discuss.”

“But—”

“I will not repeat myself again, son.”

Iosef stands gaping and chastised, his cheeks flushed a blotchy red. Even the guards look uncomfortable though hardly surprised at the exchange and you suppress a grin. Avi just looks like he’s watching the same episode of soap opera go down for the hundredth time.

The spoiled brat shoots you a dangerous look and you wink at him, crossing your legs and turning to face his father. Iosef spits to the side before storming out of the office and slamming the door loudly in his friend’s face. The spare hurries to open the door after him, scurrying after Iosef and you can’t help but chuckle lightly at the theatrics.

“My apologies about that,” Tarasov mutters in clear irritation, nodding his head towards the door before he gestures at the vodka bottle. “Care for a drink?”

You shrug before nodding, a sly smile in place. “Didn’t take after you, did he?”

Tarasov manages to look both annoyed and put out all at once, and you grin wider when he places a glass of crystal clear vodka in front of you.

“No, I’m afraid he rather took after his mother.”

“My condolences, then.”

Tarasov actually laughs at that and salutes you before drowning the glass in one gulp. Avi offers him the bottle again, and the man pours himself another without hesitation.

“Yes, rather unpleasant woman, is she not?” he muses, and continues without waiting for a reply. “But never mind that. Business always comes first. The ambassadors?”

Your fingers brush against the expensive glass and the liquid inside sloshes to the side. Lifting your eyes, you meet Tarasov’s expectant stare.

“Dead, of course,” you inform him, feeling surprised he would think anything else would have brought you back home. “Did you expect anything else?”

Tarasov leans back in his expensive leather seat, regarding you with a hard, searching look. “It took you longer than planned.”

You shrug again, feeling peeved but knowing better than to let Tarasov smell a weak spot. “They were very paranoid. I had to go deep undercover to gain their trust. But it’s only two months. Nothing that affects your expansion plans. I was very thorough. No traces will be found.”

Tarasov nods his head, looking pleased and takes another sip. “So,” he begins deliberately, and you feel his scrutiny shift into something less casual and more ruthless—the very thing you know him for. “We move closer towards the end of our partnership.”

Partnership? Is that what he thinks this thing between you is? Avi, too, blinks as if taken aback by the choice of words but doesn’t comment.

“Two more jobs, yes,” you intone flatly, staring him down.

Tarasov’s lips twist thoughtfully. “Perhaps more than that.”

Your hand drops away from the glass, and your eyes narrow. “No,” you say, your voice icy. “Two jobs. No ifs or buts about it.”

Tarasov’s chin rises and his lips curve. In that action, the last five years are stripped back and you’re staring at Tarasov who came to New York with a vision of control, of power. While your relationship has more than mellowed out over the years, there are still rare moments like these. Glimpses of the powerhouse of a man he is. Brilliant. But cautious too. That’s one thing you always admired about him—his relentless but clever manoeuvring. It would be a lie to say you haven’t learned much from him because you honestly have.  

He hasn’t laid a hand on you since that first time either. But only because you have never given a chance to do so again.

A part of you likes to imagine that you’ve gained his respect over the years, but you have no illusions of where exactly Tarasov thinks you belong.

Beneath him. Because he always has to be in control.

“Santino D’Antonio makes you brave,” he remarks softly, his accusation clear and you scoff under your breath. Tarasov’s slight smile transforms into a frown and it sharpens his features into someone to be feared. Respected. “Do you think his favour makes you immune? Your contract is still mine. Do not forget that.”

“You don’t have to worry,” you shoot back easily, not missing a beat. “My loyalty is yours. For now.”

“You do realise how easy it would be for me to open a contract for your head if it wasn’t, don’t you?”

Your smile sharpens and you laugh. Low and cold.

“By all means,” you tell him, cocking your head to one side as you fight back a grin. Once it would have terrified you to hear him say something like that. But now you feel amused at best. “The last two months have been so boring. I would love to get some free entertainment. But rest assured that if you send anyone after me, I will send you their cold, dead corpses back.”

Tarasov’s lips curl in a faint sneer and he takes another swing of his drink. He drowns this glass too. His austere blue eyes drill into you but you don’t flinch away, holding his stare.

“You’re not John.”

Your smile fades at his soft, mocking accusation. He speaks it in Russian for added insult and for a moment you only peer at him without a word.

There’s a rustle of clothes when a few guards reach for their weapons as if sensing the drop in the mood. Avi shoots you a warning look but you don’t bother turning his way.

You’re not smiling anymore.

Tarasov watches you with an expression that challenges you to do something. To shed blood and forfeit your life.

Years ago, you might have. Anger always burned brighter in you than fear. Something tells you that years ago, you would have leapt right at him, sliced him open even if you were shot moments later. The satisfaction of knowing that you’re taking him out with you would have been enough.

Instead, you sigh softly, eyes fluttering shut for a brief moment before you open them again, looking right at him. You stand to your feet and the guards shift, pulling their weapons out. As if that would make a difference. If you wanted to kill Tarasov he would be dead already. But you can’t. Not yet. Rules, rules, rules. Winston would be proud.

You grab your still full glass and lift it to your eyes, inspecting the clear liquid inside.

“You’re right,” you state calmly, shooting him a brief look. “I’m not John. I’ve failed plenty of times in the past. But let me remind you of one very interesting tidbit of information…”

Lifting the glass to your lips, you drown the vodka inside, hissing slightly at the vivid burn you feel spreading down your throat. You roll the empty glass in your hand before turning it upside down and slamming it on the oak table separating you. One of the guards points his pistol at you.

You ignore him, leaning closer towards Tarasov with a grin.

“Unlike John, I’m still here.”

You incline back slowly, allowing your ghost of a smile to linger and turn to grab your coat.

Tarasov watches you from under heavily furrowed brows, looking less than pleased. You wave at Avi, too, knowing that neither of them is going to attempt something today. Killing you now would be too much of a loss for Tarasov at such a crucial time. He’s already lost John—a loss you know haunts him to this day even though it’s been five years already. John might have almost singlehandedly created the foundation upon which Tarasov established his kingdom, but the battle for power never ends. Not in New York. He can’t afford to lose another triumph card. Not right now, at least.

“I’ll be seeing you around, boss.”

“I always found it to be a rather ugly piece of work.”

Your lips curl into a faint smile when you hear crisp footsteps come to a stop beside you. The painting in front of you glows in the light and you hum, contemplating.

“I don’t know,” you say back, still watching the painting. “It always struck me as a rather lonely piece. An old woman waiting for her beloved to come back home from war, even though she knows he’s dead. Tragic, isn’t it?”

“Depends on your definition of tragedy, I suppose.”

You chuckle and the second voice joins you soon after. It’s an easy moment and you feel the tension in your shoulders melt somewhat. Your head turns left only to be greeted by familiar green eyes and a crooked smirk.

“Santino.”

“Ciao, bella,” he greets, his teeth gleaming in a wide grin. He steps closer and kisses your cheek, lingering for a beat before pulling away. His heady, expensive cologne fills your nose and you watch him when he pulls back. He grips your hand in his own, finally stepping back as he takes you in. “As always, you are a vision.”

You snort but your smile lingers. “Very smooth.”

Santino’s smile widens, knowing and smug. He looks as sharp as always, his tailored three-piece fitting him to perfection. Always one for fine taste.

“I didn’t expect you back in New York for another month,” you begin when he finally lets go of your hand. “Is everything alright?”

He slips his hands into his pockets, peering at you intently. You’ve grown used to the intensity of his regard over the years but sometimes—on a rare occasion—it still manages to catch you off guard.

“I’m touched by your concern, cara mia,” he answers after a pause as if snapping out of deep thought. “But something has, unfortunately, come up. My, ah, father has passed.”

Your eyes widen, lips parting in shock, and you swallow as you continue standing there in awkward silence. “I—” you fumble before sighing. “I would say ‘sorry for your loss’ but…”

“But good riddance, am I right?” Santino guesses with a small, understanding nod. “He was not a particularly loved man or boss. Especially not in his final years.”

“He was still your father. I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head, the corners of his mouth tilting. “Don’t be. It was a matter of time only.”

You hesitate, an obvious question burning on the tip of your tongue. “And the High Table seat?”

His eyes sharpen and he glances behind him, jerking his head to one side. The guards inside the large gallery room step outside at once, and your eyes flicker to them, startled.

Slowly, you turn your focus back towards Santino, and don’t bother masking your surprise.

“It is not for their ears,” he says by the way of explanation and you control your confused frown. “This discussion I wish to have with you alone, cara mia. Walk with me?”

He offers his arm to you and you take it after a brief pause, regarding him with open curiosity. Linking arms, you start slowly strolling through the large space. Despite the many questions you have, you wait for him to start speaking first. When you glance at him, he appears to be in deep thought and perfectly happy to simply walk with you in silence for the moment.

“We do not know yet,” he begins after another few minutes of stillness. “He left a will, of course. It will be read in two weeks time. His successor will be announced then.”

“But?”

Because you can feel the unspoken word lacing every word Santino speaks and he pauses momentarily, looking towards you.

“But,” he mutters tightly. “If you had to make a guess as to who will be named the next heir?”

“Santino—”

“Indulge me, bella.”  

Exhaling slowly, you frown, thinking your words through. You’ve gotten an insider look into Camorra’s affairs during these last few years through him—a fact that Santino originally received a lot of criticism for, especially from his father. With time and your rising status, the bitter mutters subsided but you know that there’s still those in the Italian ranks that would rather never see you and him in the same room again. Still, your unlikely friendship has brought them a fair amount of success and business, too. 

Partnerships such as yours—John Wick’s old partner and presumed heir to the Camorra seat—always draw attention. Over the years, your “collaborations” have drawn plenty of attention as well. Many considered you either Santino’s whore or Tarasov’s spy. Neither is true but people still like making stories up about your involvement with both men.

You don’t blame them for their suspicion, either. It’s a well-known fact that you work for Tarasov first and foremost, and people rarely let that knowledge slide. The same way they always question the nature of your relationship with Santino. As if it could be defined so easily.

“I think your father saw potential in you,” you start, looking away from his expectant stare. “But perhaps not in the area you see yourself in. And—”

“And?”

“And I think that in these last few years the old man was grooming Gianna for the seat,” you explain hurriedly, though it pains you to do so. “I—sorry. I could be wrong—”

“No, bella,” he disagrees, his voice light. His eyes are dark though, almost like a brimming storm. “I think you are exactly right. On this, we agree. Bravo.”

“Santino—”

“Join me for dinner tonight?” he asks abruptly, stepping so close you feel the brush of his suit. “It’s been three months. I have missed your company.”

You gape for a moment at the sudden change of topic. “I don’t think this is the best time…”

His expression tightens, clearly picking up on your weary tone. “Did something happen?”

Shaking your head, you step to the side, unhooking your arms and let your eyes focus on the beautiful statues around you. “No. Tarasov simply saw it fit to remind me that I’m still his little puppet. I guess you could say I’m a little cranky,” you joke, glancing back at him over your shoulder.

Except, Santino is right there. Only a step away. His eyes are two chips of ice—any previous amusement or ease wiped clean. You’ve seen this side of him plenty of times. Mostly during jobs. When he had to be cruel. When fear had to be introduced in order to get results.

Some like to call him the Smiling Shark and you could understand why. Between the two of you fear has always been easy to come by.

“Did he hurt you?”

“No,” you tell him with a slight shake of your head, but he doesn’t look convinced. “Tarasov is smart. He knows how to hold power.”

“He’s a fool,” he cuts in, voice low. Angry, you realise, and it makes you look up at him again. “Stuck in his old ways because he thinks they will save him and his empire.”

“You don’t believe in the old ways,” you point out, half-accusation and half-observation. Santino’s mind has always worked differently. He’s never lacked vision nor the ruthlessness to carry it through, even if it means stepping on peoples’ toes. It put a large divide between him and those who still follow the old code of conduct. So while he always gets results, he doesn’t have many friends to show for it. “Tarasov does. It’s a way of life for him and many others.”

“Well I believe in taking what I want, when I want it, cara mia,” Santino says and in his eyes, you can see the ambition, the haughtiness that drives him forward because he believes that his vision of the future is right. Because he thinks that rules don’t apply to him because he disagrees with them. “Not standing around and feeling sorry about a few cracked eggs along the way. Their old ways are dead. We are the future of our world.”

You stare at each other for a charged moment and that’s the way it always is between you now. He always says things that force your hand, tear at the wall between you, and it’s up to you to always put it back up.

Footsteps fill the gallery, echoing loudly long before anyone comes into the line of sight. Pulling away from him and choosing to ignore his fervent stare, you turn in the direction of the newcomer.

It’s Ares.

You shouldn’t be surprised. Not many would have the nerve to step into a room after Santino dismissed them all for privacy.

The sharply dressed woman halts at a respectable distance, wiggling her eyebrows at you with a wink.

Good to see you, you sign.

Likewise pretty viper, she signs back as her teeth gleam.

“Is it important?” Santino demands, turning around to face her as well.

His second in command only nods, her smile fading quickly and the heavy furrow of her brows tells a troubling tale. Ares is cool under pressure. No problem is too big for her. So it must be something major if she’s this sullen.

“I should head off anyway,” you speak up before Santino can, glancing his way. “I have a few errands to run. I’m working on something new. I think you’ll like it.”

He hums, checks his gleaming Rolex, and lets his eyes snag onto yours again. “My driver will pick you up at 7pm sharp. I assume the Continental? How come you still continue to use that place even after I told you that my penthouse is open to you at any time?”

Why indeed.

“Their dry cleaning is cheap,” you deflect and rush ahead when you notice his lips part as if to argue. “And I haven’t agreed to dinner.”

His mouth stretches into a lazy grin at your words. He reaches out and the back of his index finger brushes against the surface of the delicate chain around your neck. Something flickers across his expression; a look you don’t get to see long enough to decipher before his hand drops away.

“Mhm. Would you like me to beg for the pleasure of your company, then?” he wonders slyly as he reaches to take your hand in his. His own hands are warm and it shocks you every time he touches you for some reason. Perhaps because it’s hard to grasp the idea of someone so cold-blooded being so warm. “On hands and knees, perhaps? Is that it?”

“That’ll be a day,” you state dryly, unable to hold back your own reluctant grin at his theatrics. “Fine. I’ll join you. You already know what I like.”

Santino grins like a shark he so often gets compared to, his fingers tightening around yours. “Indeed I do, cara mia. Indeed I do.”

“—so here I was six years of age, no, perhaps seven,” Santino recalls, just as engrossed in the story as you are. “Witnessing what I believed to be a miracle. I tell you, bella, my mother’s lasagna was the finest you could taste anywhere in Naples. No, in the whole of Italy. It felt like being held in her arms. On a sunny day, we would sit on the rooftop terrace overlooking the entire Gulf and marvel at the simplicity of life. The sweetness of it.”

“Yes, I can imagine little Santino with his wild curly hair running around the kitchen covered in sauce,” you tease and Santino laughs; a rich, genuine sound as he brings the wine glass to his lips. “No task too hard. Mischievous as always.”

“I would look good in an apron, no?” he poses with a teasing grin, gesturing to himself and you don’t hold back your laughter. “I would have you know that I was her favourite little helper.”

He pauses, his smile fading a little.

“Those are my fondest memories of my childhood,” he tells you quietly, his voice dropping and you almost want to take the last few moments back. If only to go back to the carefree, open expression he wore before. “Then came her death and the warm dream ended. Gianna and I grew apart. Our father began treating us not as his children but as his heirs. ‘One day you will rule an empire’, he used to tell me. Tsk, tsk. What does an empire mean to a seven-year-old boy, hm? Empty words only.”

You keep silent as you listen. What comfort could you offer him that wouldn’t feel empty? He doesn’t need you to comfort him. He needs someone to listen. So you do.

Santino stares at the empty space behind you, lost in thought, before blinking and giving you a slow smile. “My mother would have loved you though. She was a vicious woman but with people she loved…she would have done anything for them. I think she’s the only thing my father ever truly loved. They both balanced and challenged each other daily. But she did make him better.”

“So unlike your father,” you say after a moment, realising that he’s waiting for some form of response from you. “He didn’t like me very much.”

“No, perhaps not, cara mia,” he agrees but sounds thoughtful. “But you had his respect. Which is something I struggled to gain even at the very end.”

“He loved you, Santino. In his own way.”

“You always have to be strong,” he whispers, his voice pitched lower in imitation of the imposing man you’ve only met a handful of times before. “Never let them see you weak. Because the only thing others respect and follow is strength. If you let them see you as vulnerable, they will slit your throat and throw your body to the sharks. Do not bring me shame by being weak. I was eight.”

He blinks slowly as if seeing the memory right in front of him.

You run your fingers down the stem of your wine glass before lifting it in front of you. The motion catches Santino’s attention and he glances at you in confusion.

“A toast,” you state, your own voice hushed. “To parents who perhaps tried but didn’t succeed.”

He makes a small sound at the back of his throat, a smile curving his mouth although it looks strained.

“What a pair we are, eh?” he wonders idly as he taps his own glass against yours.

You lick your lips, the rich taste of red wine lingering on your tongue, and nod your head once. “We are what we are,” you tell him in Italian and watch genuine delight bloom across his features.

“Ah, bella, I do love it so when you speak my mother tongue,” he remarks and slants his head in consideration. “It suits you beautifully.”

You give him a disbelieving smile, casting your eyes over the otherwise empty restaurant pointedly.

“A bit excessive, isn’t it?” you question jokingly, deliberately changing the topic. “Buying out the entire restaurant just for dinner?”

Santino watches you through half-lidded eyes and gives you an indulging little smile—as if you’re missing something obvious. “Special occasion. I assure you, I don’t do it just for anyone.”

Before you can say anything else in return, your phone starts ringing.

Casting an apologetic look his way, you pull it out, standing to your feet. Santino nods his head with a faint smile as he salutes you with his glass.

Take your time, the gesture says.

Both of you have an old understanding. Business comes first.  

You don’t venture too far away, your table still visible from where you come to a standstill. Turning the phone in your hand, you press Answer, holding it to your ear.

It’s not a number you recognise at first glance so you begin with a flat, “Hello?”

“(Name).”

Your blood runs cold.

The car is silent.

Despite the pleasant evening, your gaze is focused solely on the outside. Santino sits opposite to you and his gaze is focused on you.

After the call ended, you forced yourself to gather whatever remained of your tattered composure. But, of course, he picked up on the fact that something has happened right away even if you refused to divulge any details.

It irritated him greatly, you could tell.

But he still offered to drop you off at the Continental.

Sometimes it still surprises you just how far you stretch his limits and how far he lets you.

Santino’s golden ring gleams in the streetlight that filters through the car window, and you shift in your spot, finally turning to face him.

He’s watching you pensively, his cheek resting against his folded fingers, elbow leaning on the door.

“If you are in some sort of trouble,” he speaks slowly, his voice dripping with that cold promise of bloodshed. “You need only to say so, cara mia.”

“No trouble. Promise.”

His eyes narrow. He doesn’t buy it and you don’t blame him. You’ve been restless ever since the phonecall, your ears still ringing, and it’s difficult to hide that sort of thing. Especially from someone who knows you well enough to pick up on the little hints.

Since Chicago, he knows the worst parts, and it still bewilders you that he of all the people doesn’t pester you for more.

“Very well,” he mutters flatly, his eyebrows heavily pinched and he finally removes his gaze from you, studying the scene outside. “If you say so.”

The flickering New York lights crawl over his figure and you debate whether you should say something after all. It would be unwise. Not to him, at least—not with the history between you all. There are no guarantees as to how he might take the news.

“I know about it, you know?” you finally speak after a stretch of uncomfortable, tense silence between you. A rarity. “Even if you never told me.”

Santino continues looking outside but you don’t miss the slight roll of his eyes. “You would have to be a bit more specific, bella. Know what, exactly?”

He’s being petulant because he doesn’t like not being in the know—not when it comes to you, at least.

“About you going to Tarasov to buy out my contract and pay off my debt to him.”

That gets his attention.

His hand drops away, his eyes snapping to you in disbelief. It lasts only a second before he composes his expression, arching one eyebrow at you with an air of cool disinterest.

“Oh?”

Normally, you might have rolled your eyes at his behaviour, at his poor attempt to deflect. But instead, you simply peer at him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Santino shakes his head with a click of his tongue. “What would have been the point?” he questions you with a slight sneer. “The deal failed. I do not particularly enjoy discussing failures, cara mia, you know this.”

“The point,” you tell him, your voice soft. “Is that you could have told me anyway. To manipulate me. To use the fact that you tried to help me as a means to make me feel as if I owed you. There’s a thousand and two things you could have done but you didn’t say a thing. For years. Why?”

“Who called you?”

His voice is clipped and you know it’s because he’s unused to being forced in a corner verbally. It’s not a comfortable position for a man of his status to be in. The car slows in the traffic and the silence between you is more prominently felt then. Tension is not a foreign thing between you, but it is rarely of this nature.

After a few minutes, the car begins moving again, crawling along the streets and you sigh, deciding to let the conversation drop. Another stalemate.

“Do you trust me so little, hm? Is that it?”

Inhaling sharply, you focus back on him and find that a frown has transformed his features into a foreign expression.

“It’s not about trust,” you argue, your voice weak and ignore the mocking scoff he releases. “It isn’t. Can you—just let me handle this on my own.”

Santino looks like he’s about to say something else but the car halts, and the familiar dreary walls of the Continental are clearly visible through the window.

You reach for the handle without hesitation, not waiting for anyone to open the door for you as you step out. It’s better to leave the suffocating tension between you back in the car than to deal with it now when you’re unsure if you can keep yourself together.

The air is still warm but the evening chill has set in, and you wrap your arms around yourself, pulling your long coat tighter around your shoulders.

A hand halts your journey before you can take a step further, and you turn to find Santino’s fingers lightly wrapped around your elbow. His expression is conflicted, unhappy.

“I do not wish for us to fight,” he says seriously, and his words lack their previous sharpness.

“Neither do I,” you whisper back because it’s true. You reach forward and place your hand on top of his. “Please trust me.”

His mouth curves into that devilish, wicked thing you know has charmed plenty of men and women alike. “Oh, that is a dangerous thing to ask of me, amore,” he notes mildly, his gaze heated. His eyes drop to your mouth and you feel a shiver crawl up your spine that has nothing to do with the cold. “A dangerous thing indeed. But perhaps I can…”

He leans closer, his warm breath brushing against your parted lips but you turn your head to the side at the last moment, his mouth ghosting over your cheek instead. Your eyes squeeze shut and your expression crumbles. He lingers for a moment, inhaling, before chuckling faintly against your ear. The sound lacks warmth.

“Five years,” he notes quietly; a soft, bitter undertone running through his words. “Five years, and he still stands between us.”

“Santino, please,” you breathe against his ear, pained, but he only presses another light peck to your cheek before pulling back.

Your faces are still only centimetres apart and he smiles, his eyes roving over your features with an expression you have only caught glimpses of in the past. It’s still impossible to miss the virulent disappointment lining his face though.

“The woman with blood on her hands,” he murmurs gently, his thumb brushing over your cheek as he chuckles under his breath. Teeth gleaming and his dimples visible. “Like the sea on a stormy night, unyielding and unafraid. I am a patient man. I can wait.”

You wish it were that simple. You wish you could see yourself the way he does. He sees something special, but you only see an off tilter person who is haunted by everything she has lost. How could he even say that you’re unafraid when he knows how you hardly get more than a few hours of sleep every night? How you wake up with a scream tearing out of your throat because you’re back in that underground facility, back with Kishi and his unwelcome touch, back with the torture he put you through? When he knows exactly how badly it still haunts you?

How can he even care when the last five years have been nothing but an attempt to forget, to bury, everything that you’ve ever felt for John? Like your every step hasn’t been haunted by the shadow, the memory of him, wherever you go.

Back then everyone knew you only as John’s associate.

You’ve been forced to hear his name on an almost daily basis for years. And you’ve grown to resent the comparisons, the never-ending questions, the danger he put you in by simply leaving with every passing day.

And now…now he’s back in your life, you don’t know what to do. Don’t know if you should do anything at all—not after the hell his departure put you through.

It’s not something Santino could ever understand.

“After everything we’ve been through,” you utter, at last, exhaling softly. “It’s not a ‘no’.”

He hums, one side of his mouth curved upwards but it lacks the usual bite you’re used to seeing. “Ah, but it is hardly a ‘yes’ either, is it?”

He lifts your hand to his mouth, but his eyes snag onto something behind you, in the direction of the staircase leading up to the Continental. It’s like a switch being flipped. His faint smile fades; a cool, haughty indifference smoothing his features out in its place.

Your head turns slightly and you spot Charon on top of the stairs, watching your exchange with a blank expression. He nods his head in a polite greeting when your eyes meet but he doesn’t acknowledge either of you otherwise.

“I am a call away, bella,” Santino reminds you in smooth, clipped Italian and you know the switch is purposeful as your attention returns to him. “Do keep that in mind.”

He cradles your hand in both of his and you shift in surprise. His lips press against your knuckles and he winks before pulling away, shooting a pointed—almost sarcastic—look behind you as his tailored suit ripples with his movements. He fixes the invisible creases absentmindedly and you suppress a snarky comment.  

One of his burly guards opens the car door for him, but he pauses just before getting inside. His bright green eyes lift to you and he regards you for a silent moment. “Sleep well, carissima.”

The door shuts and the entourage of three cars disappears down the street.

Charon waits till you climb the stairs before speaking. “Nice weather we’re having this evening, Miss Vipress.”

“I’m sure Winston will be thrilled to know that,” you shoot back pointedly, giving him a sideways look. “Speaking of the old man. Lounge?”

Charon inclines his head in confirmation, not commenting on your previous loaded statement.

You pull the door open, stepping inside without waiting for the man to follow you.

Santino’s quiet words plague you as you walk, echoing through your mind like a bell, and you grit your teeth.

I am a patient man. I can wait.

When he said that you never did point out the simple truth you both know.

Santino is not a patient man. Has never been one.

Yet he still continues to wait for something you’re not sure you can give him. 

“Bastard.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Twelve across,” you mumble, pointing at the paper before collapsing heavily onto the expensive leather chair with a groan.

“Oh! Much obliged,” Winston responds with a nod of his head, looking down to fill in the blank line of his crossword puzzle. “You look positively miserable. I presume there’s a reason for that?”

The older man peers up at you from above his glasses, tapping his pen against the paper as he waits for you to speak.

You fold your arms over your chest and exhale, eyes sweeping around to see if anyone is taking a special interest in your conversation. Seeing you with Winston is hardly a new or exciting thing but you’re both high profile enough for people to try their luck. You hesitate for another moment before turning your weary gaze his way.

“An old associate of ours called me.”

For a moment he only peers at you in hushed silence. There’s no doubt in your mind that he knows exactly to whom you are referring to.

“Retirement is not stimulating enough, I see,” he comments lightly, and his eyes flicker around too, assessing. No doubt measuring how safe it still is to be having this conversation out in the open. “Did this associate give you a reason for their call?”

You swallow, and your lips tremble.

For a moment, Winston looks genuinely concerned though he masks it quickly with that professional, cool detachment.

“His wife died, Winston,” you whisper, and your voice catches. “Terminal illness. He asked me to attend the funeral.”  

His reaction mirrors your own earlier one to hearing John relay that same information to you. A slackening of his expression, a slight widening of the eyes before the information is processed in the brain, and a response to such tragedy is offered.

“Heavens.”

He shakes his head slowly, and his disbelief is genuine, you can tell. Disgruntled sort of sadness washes over his face before it’s wiped clean, and the manager sighs; a worn, weary breath.

“A terrible price to pay for freedom,” he notes, and lifts his glass of brandy, taking a large sip. “Did he say anything else?”

“He wasn’t exactly in a mood for a chat,” you bite back, your nerves frayed and he shoots you a dull look.

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, dear.”

Exhaling, you close your eyes, rubbing your forehead where a tedious twinge now throbs. “What the hell should I do?”

Winston leans back, lowering his glass onto the crisp white tablecloth, and stares at you for a beat. “The real question is what do you want to do?”

Your arms lower. “He asked me to come to the funeral. He—he didn’t sound like himself.”

“His wife has just died, I would assume not,” he states, his voice monotonous, and it’s your turn to shoot a look his way. But he only spreads his arms out with a shrug. “Honestly, what is that you expect me to say (Name)? Do you want me to tell you what to do? Discourage you? Or pat you on the head and send you on your merry way? These are choices, and they are yours alone to make. You know the risks.”

“Things—” you voice cracks, and your fingers tighten painfully. In this light, the faint scars around your wrists peak from beneath your jacket sleeves and you stare at them. Even after all these years, the reminders of your time in Tokyo are still visible. When you needed him most, John was there for you. But is this really the same? “It’s been five years, Winston. It’s not that simple anymore. Things are very different from what they once were.”

“Indeed they are,” he agrees easily, and leans closer suddenly, a glimmer of a cool smile lingering on his face. “You weathered the storm his departure caused. You’ve grown fangs. The world has moved on, as have you. He is no longer one of us. Once upon a time, you might have owed him a great debt but that has long since been repaid. Whatever you do now depends solely on what you want to do, and not on what is expected of you. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t owe anyone a damn thing.”

His words wash over you and you allow the exhaustion, the sadness, to show. “If it were you…what would you do in my place?”

The older man leans back at that, and you hold his gaze, unblinking. Winston presses his lips together and seems to consider your words for what they are; a call for guidance.

“Regardless of everything that has come to pass,” he begins, and exhales as if considering if he should continue. “You were friends once. The type of friendship I have never seen in our world during the long years I’ve been a part of it. Nor have I witnessed anything like it since. So, from the sound of it, your friend rang you because he needs you. Because he is alone and hurting. Johnathan would have known the risks. But he still took that chance because he trusts you.”

It’s a miserable, wet day.

Befitting for a funeral, you suppose. Despite how cliched it is.

The heavy rainfall beats harshly against your black umbrella and you watch the small, solemn ceremony from some distance. The mood is vastly different from the last time you saw John. There was happiness and joy thick in the air back then. Now, grief hangs like a suffocating blanket around everyone present.

You’ve considered approaching John before the burial began. You could just make out the outline of him from where you stand, but something has been keeping you back.

A part of you still doesn’t want to see him. A part of you doesn’t know how, exactly, you will react when you do.

Four years.

Four years since you’ve walked away from him and his blushing wife, choosing to close that chapter of your life.

You’re a different person now—no longer caught in the chokehold of your love for him. In hindsight, this should be easy. Despite everything that has transpired between you, you did part on semi-good terms. Even if those first two years have been near unbearable to live through, you still managed.

I’m still here.

Lingering bitterness still haunts you though, and you think that perhaps it’s only human of you. Some things cannot be so easily forgotten. John is simply one of them. And with how much you loved him, is it really any surprise? Some betrayals hurt more than others.

“Look who the cat dragged in,” a familiar voice speaks from behind you, steps drawing closer till he comes to a stop beside you, his umbrella bumping against yours. “How’s your spoiled Italian princeling doing?”

“Marcus,” is your aloof greeting, and you don’t bother looking at him. “Always a pleasure.”

“Oh my, did I offend?” he wonders frankly, his voice dripping with sarcasm and your lips press together. “Why are you here?”

“I could ask you the exact same thing,” you tell him, lifting your umbrella till you can see his face. “But I’m not nearly as nosy as you are.”

Marcus raises an eyebrow, his expression suspicious. “John happens to be one of my oldest friends. And you just so happen to show up on the day of his late wife’s funeral.”

Your grip the umbrella in your hand so tightly the plastic handle creaks.

“I have always respected you, Marcus,” you whisper, your voice frigid. “But if you ever try to imply what I think you just tried to imply again, I will slit your throat and watch you choke on your own blood.”

Your head turns in his direction—a show of just how seriously you mean those words—but Marcus is smiling faintly, amused.

“And here I thought you only liked to watch your targets convulsing in agony from a safe distance,” he muses, his tone humorous. “Word on the street is that you don’t like getting blood on your hands anymore. I suppose that makes me special then, doesn’t it?”

“Guess we’ll find out.”

Marcus’s smile widens but it’s more biting than friendly though you doubt your own expression is any better. While you have never been the best of friends, you have always liked each other just enough to care about one another. Even if only a little; even if only because you shared a person in common who you both cared about once.

After John left things between you changed.

Marcus never had the power to help you in any substantial way to deal with the aftermath of John’s departure.

Santino did.

A choice Marcus has never quite let go of. To him, your decision has seemed like a betrayal.

He’s never said it to your face, but you know that he holds it over you to this day.

This, here, is your first time seeing him in almost a year.  

A part of you wishes it wasn’t under such unpleasant circumstances. But a part of you also wishes that he didn’t hold your survival over your head either. You’ve learned much from him in the past, and you long for your relationship to go back to what it once was. Sometimes you still catch yourself hoping that there’s some way for you to mend the cracks John’s retirement has created between you.

“He called me.”

Marcus digests your words, not rushing ahead as most would. Always the methodical bastard. “He called you,” he repeats slowly, the sharp disbelief clear in his voice but you don’t see the need to explain yourself further.

The funeral party starts dispersing, the service over, and you see few people pat John’s shoulder in a shallow display of compassion. John hardly responds though, standing stiff and silent at the front. As if something like that could ever console him. It makes you wonder if these people know him at all, despite how convincingly he must have played his part in the last five years.

He stands alone for a moment, gazing at the now empty space where the casket previously stood, and you find yourself swallowing thickly.

He turns reluctantly and begins walking back towards the cars without a backwards glance, and you absently wonder if he’s feeling similar pain to what you did. On his wedding night four years ago, you walked away with the full intention of burying John Wick in your mind.

For the last four years, he’s been as good as dead to you. Only his ghost lingering near.

Marcus clears his throat. “Shall we, or do you prefer standing in the rain all day?”

Ignoring his tone, you cut across the graveyard, the older man right behind you. You sincerely doubt that John is, in any way, unaware of your presence. You can domesticate any animal you want but their hunter instincts are still there, just buried deep.

You’re nervous, you realise, the closer you find yourself to him.

And then, there you are, face-to-face and everything and anything you want or could to say flees from your mind.

John is different yet exactly the same.

His hair is longer, is your first, bemused observation. Few new lines are marking his face as well; an indication, more than anything, that he is indeed just a man. Not some monster others like whispering about even to this day. As if they know him, as if anyone does.

His dark eyes find yours for a second, and it genuinely shocks you what you see reflected back at you.

Grief and pain.

So blatantly displayed that it unnerves you. John you know—knew—rarely allowed so much as a millimetre of weakness to show through. He always found a way to remain untouchable, removed from the fabric of the world others clung to.

John has always been the man who made the impossible possible.

Except now.

Except now that he’s a grieving husband staring back at you with those still too familiar dark eyes.

He looks empty.

“Hello, John.”

It’s a slow reaction that earns you a small scoff from Marcus but you can’t bring yourself to care. Maybe he understands, or maybe he doesn’t at all. Still, you’re grateful for his presence here because he takes the lead, exchanging a few quick sentences with his old friend. John, much to your surprise, looks wary to see him and their interaction lacks warmth—not that you expect John to be very emotional given the type of man he is.

A thousand different things come to mind as you stare up at him, but they all tangle together as you find yourself unable to speak at all. There’s a sudden stab of irritation at yourself for even bothering to come—for being foolish enough to even attempt to see him again. The truth is, now that John is here—right in front of you—you don’t know how you feel. You keep waiting for something: anger, happiness, annoyance, anything. But it’s a tangled ball that only tangles further when you try to unravel it.

You think about the last five years. Think about all the blood you had to shed because of him, and find yourself frowning.

Marcus shakes hands with John, and you try to recall a single word of their conversation only to come up blank.

Marcus has clearly picked up on the fact that John is not feeling too comfortable with his presence here, and turns to go.

You linger behind. John has invited you for more than a brief encounter, it’s clear on his face as his silent stare fixes on you.

Marcus, having noticed your absence, stops and you hear him turn to look at you over his shoulder. He waits for a beat, but when you don’t move, he only makes a sound at the back of his throat; something that sounds vaguely displeased.

“Don’t forget the consequences.”

The disapproval in his voice is clear but much to your surprise he still walks away, giving you two privacy.

Except, deep down, you’re no longer sure if you have anything left to say to the man before you.

Not anymore. 

“You look well.”

You keep your gaze focused on the outside.

There’s only the two of you left inside his beautiful home, and it makes you feel trapped. There has never been a version of events inside your mind where you would get to see John again. So it unsettles you to be with him, here, inside his home. All while he stands there in his dark suit that marks the depth of his grieving. If you close your eyes, you can almost pretend the last five years haven’t happened at all.

Except, they have, and it feels disrespectful to even be here.

Every corner of this house is a shrine to Helen.

To John’s life with her; to his endless joy and peace with her.

Wherever you looked during the reception, trying to mingle with the guests to draw less attention, your eyes always snagged on the dozens of pictures scattered around.

This house feels more like a graveyard than a home now. It’s clear that the absence of Helen is felt in every corner of this once loved space, and by none more so than John himself.

He stood apart from the guests the entire evening—a short, few hour affair that felt more like a necessity everyone wanted to hurry along for John’s sake—and it’s impossible to miss the weight of pain on his shoulders now that everyone is gone.

“You sound surprised,” you respond neutrally, feeling increasingly awkward. “It’s been years, John.”

You hear him step closer behind you.

Your shoulder blades tense on instinct—they always do now. You don’t like having people behind you anymore, not where you can’t see what they’re doing. Santino, surprisingly, is the only one you can tolerate to have behind you without instinctively wanting to aim a weapon at him. And even that took years of trial and error.

“No, not surprised,” he tells you quietly. “I always knew you’d be fine.”

Then, mercifully, a spark of anger ignites in your chest. “Is that so?” you question tightly, and you know you sound cold. “If only you knew. People were eager to line up and try their hand at getting rid of me,” you mutter and turn to face him with a vitriolic smile. “Didn’t work out too well for them though.”

“I didn’t know about that,” he remarks, confusion clouding his features. “The last time—”

“It doesn’t matter now,” you cut him off because the last thing he needs right now is more guilt or worry. “Why did you call me, John?”

He stares at you for a long minute, silent. Once it would have been a normal exchange between you but now—

Now, it’s clear that neither of you knows how to talk to each other anymore. How to ignore—or not ignore—the giant elephant in the room. It’s becoming painfully obvious with every second here that there’s a wall between you, and you have no idea how to tear it down—or if you even want to.

“I don’t know,” he admits, his words soft and low, though it’s hardly what you want to hear. “I guess I had no one else I could call.”

You were friends once.

Swallowing, you turn around and walk deeper into the room, creating some distance between you. Regardless of everything, something about John still calls to you. And isn’t that just disgusting?

“I’m really sorry about your loss,” you inform him, meaning every word but still refuse to look his way. “But it was a mistake to call me. I came only out of respect for our old friendship. We both know what would happen if anyone in my world found out about me being here. You get out, and it’s forever. That’s what you wanted.”

“I just thought—”

“Thought what?” you interrupt, your voice jumping in volume before you force yourself to breathe. “That Tarasov is going to let me come down for afternoon tea?”

John’s expression falls, his lips slightly parted, and now he looks sad on your behalf and it makes you angry just to see it. “Tarasov…so you still…”

You hum loudly, mocking, as you nod your head with an icy smile. “Yes, still. But don’t worry. I’m getting very close. And once I’m there, well.”

His gaze sharpens at that, and in it, you see a glimpse of old John back. “You plan to go after him.”

Not a question.

You don’t respond either because you both already know the answer to that.

“He’s one of the big ones now,” you tell him, and wonder why your words sound like an accusation. “You did your job rather well. Well done.”

John takes your anger calmly. Something tells you it has less to do with his stoic nature and more to do with the fact that…

That perhaps he feels like he deserves it.

“We should talk,” he speaks, at last, his tone cautious. “I know you have questions about why I did what I did.”

You’re shaking your head before he’s even finished. “No John. That’s not what I’m here for. I can’t keep doing this anymore. We existed in the past, and that’s exactly where I would like us to stay. I stopped wondering or caring about your motives a long time ago. Like I said earlier, it’s been years. Things are different now. I’m different.”

“People don’t change,” John argues evenly, though it sounds more like a statement. “Only times do.”

There isn’t much you can say to that. Because, for once, you want to return his old kindness. Telling him everything that has happened since his Impossible Task would only devastate him more. He doesn’t deserve that. Not after what he just lost.

However, it still doesn’t stop the silent resentment bubbling inside your gut. Hurting him now would be easy and a part of you wants to.  

You were right though; it’s been a mistake coming here today and seeing him. The uncomfortable roll of your stomach only confirms it.

“I should get going,” you say, though your words lack emotion, lack anything that once rang through your voice whenever you talked with him. “I have a job coming up.”

It’s a lie. He knows it too.

“You could stay for a bit,” he murmurs, unsure. “I have some—”

“I should go,” you cut him off, firmer this time. “Remember what I said last time we saw each other.”

You certainly do. You let him go. Allowed him to have his new life, and now it’s his turn to allow you to do the same.

John nods, looking down and a tiny, insignificant part of you longs to stay.

He never did though.

Your heart hardens with that thought.

“Let me walk you to the door, at least,” he suggest instead, and you follow him silently, your fingers tightly clenching onto your jacket. “Thank you for coming. You didn’t have to.”

You halt by the door, and glance up at him, hesitating. “No, I didn’t,” you agree softly, meeting his dark stare. “But I’m glad that I did.”

Your words fade away awkwardly, and you swallow again.

A million unsaid things pass between you and you give him a slight smile.

“Take care of yourself, John.”

His lips part like he’s about to say something, but a shadow falls over the door, ringing the doorbell.

You break the eye contact between you, and he reaches for the door where a delivery woman stands on the other side, staring at you both expectantly.

Smiling, you nod your head at him and brush past the woman without another word.

For the second time in your life, you walk away from John Wick.

This time, there’s no pain.

There’s just a faint longing for something you thought died a long time ago.

. . .

an: *new player has entered the chat* ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

We are just getting started, heh~~

As always thank you so much for your support. I see your names pop up in my notifications and it warms my heart dfkjhgfdjkg YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!! Loved it? Hated it? Let me know!!

[himbo-buckley]

Sex, Intimacy and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 5

Hej alla,

hur cool att du är här! Vad kul!

(Kay, that’s it, all the Swedish I remember from two semesters of not really studying, so it’s probably also wrong, uups?)

(Still passed though.)

You guys! We made it! And please, do not imagine this read to you in a happy voice. I am sobbing. I already miss it!

(Also, if you do imagine how I might sound please consider due to several unforseeable circumstances of student exchanges in my youth I have a very weird mixture of British and American English, which basically translates to sounding like either of those doing a bad impression of the other accent - or you know, Australian.)

I’m really having a hard time finishing this meta because I loved doing it so much and I loved talking to all of ya’ll so much. This is a sad moment. (HEY, what if ya’ll came and visited my askbox and I get to discuss random stuff with you!)

Just a fair warning now, somewhere hidden in the middle: this thing is fucking long! We are talking longer than Season 2, so be warned!

Anyways, in case someone is new:

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

And some general info:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta has FIVE parts. Season 1 and 2 make up one part each, while Season 3, due to something pesky called feelings and the fact that I can’t shut up, has been split in three parts: Part 3 aka Season 3A, which spans 3.01 - 3.10, Part 4 which spans 3.11 - 3.17 and this part which is officially only one episode - but still manages to be just as long. Yay! (Sorry.)

And now for the last time for now: part 5 (also called „You’re a godless, half-witted himbo, Evan Buckley, and I wish I loved you less so I could talk about it more“)

Episode 3.18:

My oh my, this episode.

I loved it but I also … didn’t.

It was way too much and at times felt a little rushed and the pacing was just weird.

I mean I loved the party but did we really need 5 min of it? Did we really need Josh’s storyline and Michael’s so randomly in the middle of the episode? Could we have gotten a longer apology scene? Why the weird phone call?

Let’s talks about all of that! (It’s why you clicked read more, right?)

Ya’ll, I gotta be honest, I am from Europe and I regularly go to places via train and while it’s better than a bus, I can’t see anyone falling in love with that! I am just gonna assume Abby did not go by train in Germany. Or Austria. Or Italy. Listen, I like trains just fine but man, do they not look like what we see here!

But also, as someone who has watched Community, the train lady saying „This isn’t Subway“ in an Episode where the human embodiment of Subway acts is very very funny to me.

I feel like I don’t have to point out how significant the cut from Abby saying „They stopped waiting for me a long time ago“ to Buck and Eddie discussing Chris is. Everyone has talked about it by now. But yes, it registered, as did the fact that Abby is dating a single father - while Buck is apparently basically dating a single father. But, you know, that probably means nothing! *chugs a whole bottle of wine*

The co-parenting was very cute and honestly I feel for Christopher and Carla and the firefam is Buddie does happen because they will try to out-protect each other and it will be glorious and also Chris might never get to leave the nest ever. That poor boy.

Sidenote: We as a fandom have not talked enough about Eddie’s reaction to Bobby yodelling and I think that’s very tragic of us. Because his reaction is the best, all: „Is he - should I - no, you know what, fuck it, Eddie, ignore this, that’s too much, you can not unpack all of this, just move on. Brush it off!“

Just watch his face ya’ll, it’s great! (He will be talking to Frank about this, I know it.)

Sidenote: Also Eddie in 3.15 / 3.15. / 3.17 / 3.18 > any other Eddie, and no, I do not take criticism. That boy has always been fine but the military hair cut or what ever is doing things to me as do his happy eyes and the smiles - my god, the smiles!

It does seem significant though the way the show focused so heavily on Buck’s reaction and - as it had been the case since „Eddie Begins“ - we basically don’t see Eddie without Buck and that’s weird. That feels pointed and important, the fact that after realising, who his family is, Eddie basically never leaves Buck’s side if they are at work.

Also the way Chimney and Bobby look at each other in between, yeah, again, making fun of Christopher’s dads! Like, even if you don’t read this as Buddie, you cannot not read this scene as somewhat confirming the „Buck is Christopher’s other parent“-thing. And I know I answered an ask on Tuesday(?) where I said he wasn’t really but yeah, he is getting there. The whole season spent a lot of time focusing on Buck’s relationship with Christopher and even if it isn’t about Buddie, I still think it will cause trouble in Season 4 if Eddie begins dating again, specifically Chris’ teacher.

I also need to talk about Eddie and control, because like I said in part 4 Eddie needs to learn to let go of Christopher a little which is what we see here happening, specifically through the lens of making Buck even more overprotective than Eddie to really cement the fact in all our minds that Eddie is trying to let his son have some freedom. I am so proud of him, you guys! He just signed up for the worst two weeks of his life, he will be dying on the inside out of concern and Buck will pester him every two seconds about whether or not Chris is fine. This is why these three haven’t been to Disneyland, ya’ll! Eddie wouldn’t be able to handle it without murdering either Buck or himself. I’m sorry.

And speaking of how the episode is cut:

One thing I love about 911 is the way it always makes me consider new character pairings and connections I myself would have never thought of, in the context of this episode: Athena, Josh - and Eddie.

And look, the Athena and Josh thing is daunting enough but you can probably still catch my train of thought, because both are recent victims of assault and the episode shows them dealing with trauma and confronting their attacker, even though in Athena’s case it was just theoretical. But now you’re probably wondering, okay, why Eddie?

Well, for starters, what the episode made me realise, whether on purpose on not through cutting from scene to scene is how many similarities there are between Eddie and Athena, both of them always trying to be in control, both of them more prone to violence / more okay with violence than the others, both soft underneath, both with a tendency to let anger take over, both considered to be extremely capable, both with an intense need for control, both straight talker.

And now I will obviously not pretend that letting your child go to sleep away camp for two weeks is similar too confronting your assailant who beat you up, but still: facing fears and letting go of control vs. finding different ways to regain control is the theme for these three in the episode (or this Season in Eddie’s case) and I like it.

I really like what they did with Athena in general in this episode, because, while I don’t think we will see her as a civilian in Season 4, I am confident they will address her trauma and PTSD - especially if they only do a short time jump of say three months and not jump all the way to January / February which is when it might air if we’re lucky.

And I do think the comparison between her and Josh is very nicely done as both characters did the whole brushing it off / moving forward / I am not fazed by any of it thing, as we as viewers clearly saw what utter bullshit this was.

Which of course connects nicely to Mr. „Brush it off and move on“ who has spent a whole season learning to not just move on but to talk about it. A lesson he might have learned? At least that’s what the episode made me think, from the way he came to Buck / the firefam to talk about Christopher and camp to the way he so clearly tried to get Buck to open up about Abby. Jup, that is some motherforking growth right there!

I also wanna say hi to Brooke Shields and say I hope we see her again, cause her character seemed interesting!

And I do appreciate Athena herself addressing the fact that she messed up a little by not calling for back-up right away. This is not meant in a victim blaming way, I just think Athena is very used to handling everything on her own and not asking for help and it is interesting to see how that changes, now that it has backfired on her once.

And now we are getting into the Abby of it all and if anyone reading this is anti Buddie or severely pro Abby this is the moment to either leave or scroll down some more, because ya’ll I won’t really hold back!

(I think.)

I wanna begin by saying, uhm, Abigail, honey? Can you not read what is written on Eddie’s and everyone else’s helmets? Yes, he is from the 118, it literally says so on like every article of clothing he is wearing, omg!

(Writers, do better, that made an already unlikeable character seem downright stupid.)

Now it is very interesting, that the first person we see Abby interact with directly from the main cast (I’m counting the phone call with Maddie as indirectly) is Eddie who doesn’t know who Abby is but who is close enough to Buck to know the second he sees her who she is. The episode spends just as much time focusing on his reaction to Abby as 3.15 did on Buck’s reaction and tbh that feels … fairly non platonic. Of course we can always go back to „Stuck“ and remember what Hen said about Tatiana but still. That was one scene, here we have several scenes highlighting Eddie’s reaction to Abby and just, what do you want me to do with this, Tim?

I mean, the meeting scene literally goes like this:

Eddie *talking to Abby* > cut to Buck, coming closer > Buck: „Abby?“ > cut to both Abby and *Eddie* > Abby: „Buck?“ while the camera is still on her and Eddie > cut to just Eddie’s face having a realisation > cut to Buck

That is some very extreme focus if we’re being honest.

Also her panic reminds everyone of Buck in 3.15, right? The way she is screaming, disregarding her own safety, all desperate to get to her fiancé. Yeah.

I like how Eddie lets them talk and then steps in when he realises Buck is too shocked and only then rushes off, nearly touching Buck. Too be honest I didn’t realise his hand didn’t make contact until I saw some gifs of the scene.

Also the way Oliver plays this scene? The whole scene is so painful and I love it a lot, his whole delivery is so very painful, from the way he says „We’ll find him.“ to the „Um, what’s his name?“ to the „No. Oh. Don’t worry about it.“ because you can actually see him go through all the emotions from devastation to being so very pissed off and then locking that shit down!

Listen, I know it was teased that Buck had to grapple between being a professional and his personal feelings and I think this episode is him being a professional, because this is Buck and Buck cares so for Buck being a professional means risking his life for some guy on the train, regardless of his promise and who he is engaged to.  

Sidenote: This episode really brought home why Eddie is a firefighter and not a paramedic, because his bedside manner is shit. „This is gonna hurt a little“. Way to downplay, dude!

Also, while I do love the idea of Buck getting to be Captain one day, I think this episode shows why he won’t be. Because even when he is being professional and having great ideas Buck still cares too much and is unable to make the hard decisions. Compare it to Eddie, who, yes, does say „If we have to choose“, but also is willing to make the choice. Because sometimes you have to. (And now I’m crying a little and oh my, this is why I do not work in any job that has me make such decisions because I could not imagine living with myself if I did.)

I do think however Buck did good, from the way he talked to Sam being his usual self and all.

I’m also such a fan of smart Buck and him standing up for himself with Bobby because he doesn’t get to do this often enough and because it is important for him as a character to learn to trust his own judgement and not depend so much on Bobby’s approval. So yay, my baby is growing up!

(Also, obviously Bobby’s worry was also about Buck and not just Athena, we’ve had half a season of Bobby doing the most to „protect“ Buck, mostly against his will, so I really like that Buck got to do the rescue his way in the end, because it shows growth on both sides.)

Now, Eddie and his dramatic reaction in this scene, first of all:

I wanna take a moment to remember the fact that Edmundo Diaz, my main man, my love, my absolute ray of grey sunshine, apparently lacks any kind of self-awareness - or he would stop acting all high and mighty around Buck because the second Buck is out of view he like, drops any pre-tense of having critical thinking skills or something akin to self-preservation and does the next thing that enters his bird brain no matter the consequences. So a moment of silence for Hen, Chimney and Bobby and all they had to go through in the 6/7 months between Buck getting crushed by a ladder truck and coming back to work, because Buck? They can at least make fun of. Or tell him: yo, bro, you being stupid!

You can’t do that with Eddie - because when Eddie does stupid he gone nearly die but like in a heroic way where he still ends up saving himself and you have to be impressed. Urgh, the nerve!

So, you know what, how about, Mr. Edmundo Diaz, you do not judge Buck for wanting to save people and risk his own life UNTIL WE HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU CUTTING THAT MOTHERFORKING ROPE? Got me? Thanks. (I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, dude.)

(But then again EVERY MOTHERFORKING CHARACTER ON THIS DAMN SHOW SUFFERS FROM CRAZY STUPID DISEASE and no, I do not take any criticism.)

Also I loved Eddie’s dialog and how clearly the whole thing about the promise slipped out if the way his hands closed are anything to go by (or was he imagining punching some sense either into himself or Buck because in both cases: Call Frank, Eddie!). Anyway the way he just left, like, „I can not deal with ya’ll’s stupidity, I am leaving!“ has me shook! That is the top tear entertainment I expect from my favourite show and I love them for it!

I do love how both Buck and Eddie are in protector mode in this episode, Buck with Sam and Abby and Eddie with Buck, especially because if we’re being honest, which we are (this is a safe space ya’ll), Eddie is the one being far more unprofessional! For his standards, of course.

But this is the closest Eddie has come to showing some form of violence since 3a viewed chronologically (because 3.15 happened mostly in the past) yet Buck is just being is usual too caring self. It’s telling and it’s interesting and I’m just gonna say one thing:

„No one is good when it’s personal.“ - because for Buck with Sam it isn’t really personal (though that won’t hit him until later) but for Eddie it kinda is because he is worried about Buck. (And now I did spell it out! But, oh well, I did say we were gonna do some Buddie right around here!)

Sidenote: what exactly was the meaning / reason of that phone call between Abby and her stepdaughter? We already knew Sam had children and from the was she was looking outside they could have had her just see Buck and step out of the tent to watch the rescue, so why do it this way I ask? Why this incredibly unnecessary phone call that felt so very awkward?

Also I am not gonna talk about that scene right now, because I get mad every single time!

So I will just leave a link to what I’ve said about this scene so far here *and* give you the notes I took on this scene:

ALWAYS READY TO DIE

godless heathen of a man he makes me so angry i hate him i hate this show I wanna leave

EVAN BUCKLEY LOOKS GOD IN THE EYES AND SAYS NAH BRO NOT TODAY

(It’s not like his suicidal tendencies are relevant to this meta anyways because like I said a few paragraphs ago: The whole firefam has them! )

Also, for the first time ever: here is a picture I took while watching the show because what are these two extras doing? Why are they touching like that? Who are they and will we see them again? Does my brain get easily distracted by completely unrelated things?

Anyways, the way Buck answers Sam „She’s down there waiting for you.“ when he asks for Abby and his „Good to meet you Sam.“ really brings home how none of his behaviour was about Abby and all about Buck being Buck. (And now I am angry at him again, urgh, THE NERVE! Selfless fucking himbo!)

I really liked that Sam knew who Buck was and that they got to have this little interaction where he probably reevaluated the whole night because that boy just risked his life for him, the guy marrying his ex-girlfriend, and has spent the whole night being so very nice to him and talking to him. Not gonna lie, Buck is a good guy through and through and Sam probably feels like shit now.

Also Eddie coming to stand in front of Buck - I know some people think it was out of protectiveness, which got me thinking:

Tbh at first I was convinced it was a camera angle thing? Because if Eddie stood behind Buck we wouldn’t really see him. Then I thought, so why choose this angle to film it? Obviously the set had to be built a certain way so was there no other way to do it? Also why was it even important, that we saw Eddie arrive like that, couldn’t they have just changed the angle after Abby was gone to get Eddie in the frame? Why was it important that we knew that Eddie was there and 1) was putting himself physically between Abby and Buck meaning 2) that when Abby leaves with her single father, Buck is left with his single father? Why does an episode that is supposed to give Buck closure focus so much on the reactions of his non romantic partner?

(Because tbh, even if they needed to find ways to use Ryan Guzman in this Episode without adding too many scenes, they could have done it with less focus on Abby. I say this as a Buddie shipper who does recognise how important the connection Buck and Eddie have as friends is: storyline wise Bobby would have made more sense in most of these scenes and Eddie could have been used in a different way.)

I’ll leave this scene with the very nice visual of Buck running back to the traincrash and Eddie following him. These two. Like magnets.

And a quick topic change, because I do wanna talk about Michael and Doctor Hale as well in this meta, one because I found them very cute and two because I’ve now talked to a few people about Ana and Eddie and while we by now know she will probably be in Season 4, I feel like we need to compare Michael and Doctor Hale vs Eddie and Ana. Because there is such a difference in the way these love interests where introduced.

Now, of course we need to realise that Eddie and Michael are fairly different characters and Michael has way less relationship related baggage than Eddie has which is why he goes after what he wants way faster (also, carpe diem, he just found out he won’t die). Also of course, there is no moral component to address in Michael dating some doctor vs. Eddie dating his son’s teacher, but still:

Michael and Dr. Hale had one scene together and it wasn’t even overly flirty and yet, we knew where it was heading, we felt the chemistry and everyone ended the episode saying: I ship it, more of that - which they did give us, just *one* episode later. They had some awkward moments, yet the show never left a single doubt in your mind where this is heading.

Now look at Eddie and Ana:

Sidenote: I do wanna say be kind to the character and no hate, especially not to the actress! Yes, she needs to be flashed out more; no, what we saw so far does not make me ship them; no, I do not mind if they dated a little.

First of all we learned more about Doctor Hale in the two short scenes than we did about Ana in four scenes. That seems deliberate.

Second, while we do realise Eddie thinks Ana is attractive from the get go she repeatedly shuts him down by pointedly saying „Mr. Diaz“.

Third, every scene between them - and I mean every single scene - is connected to Buck in some way:

In „Fools“ we cut from Buck saying he likes being single to Eddie doing parent-teacher conference and yes, meeting some other teachers first but also Ana, showing us that while Buck is fine with being single - Eddie might not be. Also, Carla’s „blue eyes“ line which is a little clown-y, so take it with a grain of salt that it could connect us to Buck

Then of course her next scene is Eddie getting in her face about Christopher being hurt. Later in the episode we see Buck reference this on a call, meaning either Carla or Eddie told Buck about it (I am leaning a little toward Carla making fun of Eddie in front of Buck and Eddie then having to come clean about all of it, because I cannot wrap my head about the idea of Eddie telling Buck about having a crush, I’m sorry.)

Her next scene is Eddie coming to apologise to her and she gives her speech about limitations - which we can of course connect to Buck and Eddie talking about Christopher and his limitations before that and then afterwards going skateboarding with them. (It does feel a little deliberate.)

And then of course we have „Eddie Begins“ and you guys, they could have very very easily have either Carla or Buck make a joke about Mrs. Flores and Eddie’s crush in the firehouse scene, but they didn’t! And then we do get to see her at the end where she has one whole line and Eddie barely looks at her and you know what happens? They have a child ask the same question Buck asked at the beginning, making us think of Buck. Like, it would have been enough to establish Eddie doesn’t feel like a hero if the question was asked only once - twice in the span of 45 minutes constitutes a callback, meaning we are supposed to think of the other scene and that means thinking about the other person that asked, which was Buck

And yes, once Season 4 premieres and we get Eddie and Ana in this epic romance because Tim Minear wants to be the next Rick Berman, I will go back to this meta and beat my own ass. Or something.

(Listen, her returning in Season 4 does not mean endgame or the end of Buddie, it just means Eddie might get a love interest. Tbh I actually think it could get us closer to Buddie and you know what, I’m just gonna link all my Ana Flores posts here here and here now so you can read all the other stuff I, alongside some other people, said on this topic, if you’re interested because none of this has a point right now.)

Now, let’s get into the meat of things and talk about *that* scene:

Was it a good apology? No.

Did Buck deserve better? Fuck yes.

Did he get closure? Yes.

Is the way that scene was done actually perfect? I mean, ya’ll, yes? A little?

Listen, this scene was always about closure and that’s what Buck got here and that’s what Buck needed.

Buck, who in Season 1 had described Abby as the perfect woman, needed it to go down like this so he could realise she wasn’t and he could finally let her go. And that’s what it was about!

Obviously looking at Abby’s character this episode does not make her look good, like not at all and I’d be very surprised if we ever saw her again. But looking at it from Buck’s point of view it was exactly what he needed. (Not what he deserved, but yeah, if this show was about what Buck deserved it would be a whole lot different and Buddie would be canon by now.)

One thing I really loved about the scene was the way it was filmed, with LA in front of us, Abby and Buck with their backs to the camera and us only ever seeing them in profile, because it was a  private moment and this sort of made you feel like you were intruding. Like you were listening in on a conversation and I liked that a lot.

Also I think her speech about losing herself through helping people is very interesting because it contrasts her to Buck. Buck found himself in helping others and lost himself when he was no longer allowed to do that and I think that is what she means when she says she would have lost herself with him again. Because Buck is selfless and he is so selfless he inspires others to be the same, except Abby isn’t but being with Buck she would need to be and that is a problem.

Look, if you’ve followed this blog at all or maybe just read part one of the meta you have probably guessed by now that I don’t like Abby. I found her character boring. I thought she overstepped all the time. I got so mad at her for the way she treated Buck in Season 1!

Because in 1.06 she *actually* complains about him being too thoughtful and scared of messing up while calling him a *toy boy*. The truth is, after 1.05 and their first meeting, Abby no longer takes him seriously. She hardly ever takes his feelings into consideration. The relationship, from Valentines Day onward becomes all about what she wants and what she needs and our Buck is the selfless idiot who gives her his all.

I mean, she never even talked to Buck about wanting to leave, just presented him with her decision and then lived her life and never thought about him again.

And like, I think she is wrong if she thinks she’d have lost herself with him again, because Buck was what showed her that she lost herself in the first place. He helped her on the path of self-aquaintance (I guess? I’m lacking the word here), but she is right if she means the relationship wouldn’t have worked.

Because one of them would have lost themselves, though I do think it would have been Buck and not Abby. After all, Buck was the one who gave everything up from the get go and yes, Abby helped trigger him finding himself alongside Bobby and the job and she did help him stay on that path in the beginning - but in the end it was never about her at all. It was about him and him alone and the amazing person he had always been.

And I think that is what Buck realises in the scene. Despite Abby ghosting him, he still looked at her through rose coloured glasses and with fondness, but here, he realises, oh, Abby isn’t perfect. Abby isn’t like the woman I made her out to be. Abby never really cared about me. And as much as that probably hurt, this is what Buck needed to let go of her!

He needed to see that Abby wasn’t the perfect woman so he could let her go - and find himself the perfect person, someone who reciprocates and doesn’t just take. (Am I crying?)

(And look, I am not saying he already found someone like that, someone who proved in this episode how much they care about Buck and his feelings and making sure he comes home every night to his family - I’m saying he found someone who is working on being that person!)

Let’s talk about Eddie and Abby for a second, again, okay?

(Bro, how did I just get to that topic? So random! *laughs in Buddie*)

When I watched the episode my second time to take notes, I wrote one that said ‚Abby and Eddie parallels / lawsuit‘ - and I gotta be honest I barely remember what I meant. But I did still produce some thoughts (just not sure if that was where I was going with the note, so if anyone has some other ideas, please share):

You know how Abby talks about losing herself when she is with Buck? Well, I know someone who lost themselves just this season because he wasn’t with Buck! (Jup, we’re back with the lawsuit, ya’ll really thought I wouldn’t bring this up? You guys! More than 20000 words and you still don’t know me!)

It’s a very nice parallel to have Abby talking about losing herself with Buck when we saw Eddie losing himself without Buck. Because while I think Eddie himself is a selfless person just like Buck, similar to how Buck needed Abby in Season 1 as a catalyst of change so to speak, Buck was the catalyst of change for Eddie.

I talked a lot in the other parts about Eddie having problems with voicing his needs and feelings - and now please once again look at his relationship with Buck. Because here he has been doing this, not from the get go of course, Eddie didn’t take one look at Buck and his whole life was turned upside down (that was Buck looking at Eddie), but I think Buck steamrolling through Eddie’s life helped Eddie find himself. Buck, from the get go, is a calm centre for Eddie, an anchor, even after he reconnects with Shannon. Buck is who he turns to in a crisis, who he trusts with his son, with having his back.

And I think in both cases - Abby and Buck as well as Eddie and Buck - the relationship is brought to the next level through Buck’s selflessness and willingness to help. But while Abby just takes it and doesn’t really see it as the gift it is and never fully lets Buck in, Eddie does the opposite. Eddie, whether knowing or unknowing, makes himself exactly what Buck needs: someone who puts trust in him, who treats him like an equal, who opens his home and his family to him. And he also tries (and this is a big thing considering who we’re talking about right now) to be there for Buck, to be his anchor just like Buck is his - which obviously works with mixed results, because one person, no matter how hard they try can never fix the problems of someone else alone. Believe me. I’ve tried.

And wow, did that get deep and fast! Damn ya’ll and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in like 5 days. This show really gives me all the feels!

Now, to keep me and maybe ya’ll from crying I’m gonna change the subject and talk about something else, also known as the rest of the episode:

To go back to the start of the episode, Buddie really had some extreme couple / family vibes going on, especially with Christopher in the mix. It’s telling that they included a scene of Buck and Christopher specifically and it was to remind us once again that these two have a strong bond.
I won’t go all: Buddie confirmed, this is were we are heading, ya’ll! Because as you must have realised by now I am fairly cautious when it comes to this and am always fighting to keep my own clownery at bay, but I do have to say so far nothing in this show and Season 3B specifically has read as a red flag for me, disapproving the possibility or making me feel queerbaited. Now, maybe I am just very off in my intuition and they will change gear in Season 4, but well, right now I have some hope!
I also loved the scene of Christopher going to camp and the card which reminded me of 3.01 and also, Eddie looks so good here! And he came so far, letting his son go to camp and all!

Of course I would have loved to see Buck there as well, but one, that would have been a Buddie confirmed and we’re not quite there yet and I’m glad cause right now they aren’t fully ready (in show terms, fanfiction is something different), and two this proves what I said about Buck and Christopher being connected and him having parental / fatherly feelings toward the boy but like, not being his actual father yet! Buck loves Chris and Chris loves Buck and obviously he is part of the Diaz family - but he also isn’t.

(Also: I went to something like camp when I was 11 and you think both my parents brought me? Nah, son, they didn’t. My dad brought me while my mom made breakfast.)

Now, some sidenotes to round it all off:

Karen is a gift and I really hope we see more of her because omg, I wanna be her friend, I wanna be her wife, I wanna learn about life from her! She is awesome and I will never fully forgive Hen for cheating on her, like girly, Eva isn’t even close to Karen on any level?

And speaking of Hen, I love the subplot of Chim coming to terms with her potentially leaving and deciding to help her because he was who she really needed on her side - not anyone else. I’d write a meta on their relationship but tbh it’s so consistent and unproblematic, I really don’t know what to write except: goals about 10000 times. Which isn’t that different to me finding new ways to write THE CONNECTION, if we’re being honest but oh well! Now it’s too late to stop that!

I loved Athena getting spooked by Bobby showing up behind her when she was getting a drink - talk about this show finally addressing the trauma these characters go through! And it only took, oh well, about 35 episodes. Let’s hope that is the energy they bring into Season 4.

Now the apology scene with Bobby, I do hate how Buck is once again the one apologising and especially since it’s with Bobby but I do think it was a nice scene and a great callback to 3.01. Also this episode showed a lot of growth in Bobby and Buck’s relationship. Because after 3a was all about Bobby projecting onto Buck and making decisions for him based on what he thought was the right thing, this episode not only had Buck standing up to Bobby in a healthy and adult way (no lawsuit this time!) but also Bobby giving in and letting Buck make the decision even if he disagreed. That is some motherforking growth right here and Babe, I hope you are not to disappointed with me, but if they keep Bobby like this I might actually begin to see his appeal to people (still need him to suffer the consequences of his actions, though).

But to end on a great note:

Buck is doing okay and - most importantly - MADNEY BABY!!! You guys, we knew it was coming from the promos and all but I cried! I cried so hard! I am so happy for them! These two soft characters and their amazing, open, caring, trusting, adult relationship deserves all the luck in their fictional universe!

Whew, you guys! We’ve done it! And it’s longer than Season 2 (I’m sorry, are ya’ll surprised? This episode was a lot!)

I feel like I should write some form of conclusion to this whole meta and yet my words elude me. Here are the few I have for you though:

This meta began with the idea that neither Buck nor Eddie really knew how to be emotionally intimate with a person and instead used sex as a substitute. This is no longer true for either character.

Buck has learned through his relationship with Abby, that he can be both physically and emotionally intimate with a person and he has proven how this is still true in his reaction to Taylor and his relationship with Ali, what little we saw of it. Furthermore Season 3B specifically showed that Buck, while still afraid to open up to people, is trying. I do think Season 4 is heading toward some kind of romance for him and while I am praying to several deities I do not believe in and the universe itself that it is Eddie, I am not sure. I hope so. But never the less, my shipping aside, Buck has grown tremendously in the course of 3 Seasons and I am so impressed both with his character and the way the show has so realistically done it. I love him. Even more than Buddie I hope we get to see him truly happy in Season 4, happy and settled and learning what life actually holds for him because that kid could rule the world if he wanted to.
Now, Eddie: It’s funny, when I began this meta I felt more connected to Buck, I didn’t really see myself in Eddie, I barely had a grasp on his character at times. Now? Now he is my favourite, I love his greyness, his goodness despite his faults, the way he always struggles with himself to do better, to be better because it doesn’t come naturally to him, because it has been taught to him to do the opposite. And that is so impressive. I love the growth we saw in him, the evolution, the fight to be a better man than his own role-models and I love especially how all of this was motivated by and for his son. He truly loves him more than life itself and I am so impressed with 911 subverting something that feels like a very female storyline by giving it to a man.

But of course Eddie isn’t done yet and Eddie still struggles with intimacy and opening up but he is getting there. Through Frank and Buck and for Christopher he is fighting and he is getting there and I love that for him and about him! He deserves to be happy in Season 4 just like Buck, but mostly he deserves to be at peace with himself!

And I already talked at length about Ana and their potential and linked what I thought didn’t fit in here, so I will not bore you by repeating myself and just say: wait. Wait and see. Maybe the show will surprise us. Maybe it won’t. Maybe corona will kill us all before we have a chance to see Season 4. Maybe we are in the Matrix and the blue pill is a metaphor for being trans. Life is strange!

Also on a more personal note I wanna say thank you to everyone who has read and liked and reblogged and commented. I love all of you. Your support and trust in what I am saying has meant a lot and will mean just as much in the future and I do hope I get to do this again in like a year once they return!

(Also, not to sound needy but another reminder to please reblog and comment? Because I *am* actually writing this because I really wanna talk about the show and my feelings and your thoughts and you know, that can only happen if ya’ll do some reblogging)

(Or come to my ask if you are more comfortable being even more anonymous, I don’t judge - I NEVER ask question any other way!)

In diesem Sinne: hamma wieder was gelernt, recht herzlichen Dank für Ihre Aufmerksamkeit und auf Wiedersehen!

Also, of course, the tagging:

@chimbuckleys​ @angelcamael​ @greyhello​ @the-family-we-choose-118​ @ipleiade​ @sevensoulmates​

[briek58454521]

Let’s rant about bigotry in media and fake allies.

.Look. I get it. You want to believe that your cartoons, media and celebs are completely perfect darlings that can do no wrong, but let me be frank. I don’t care how much you don’t want to talk about it. I care about the creators who keep inviting the discourse their way through their idiocy. Whenever a creator gets in trouble for doing shit like making jokes about slave hats on a live stream, or including a blackface caricature in an art book, or killing off their gays the very episode they come out or are introduced, there’s always a subset of people who say shit like, “it was a mistake, they didn’t mean it. It kinda gives us as a leftist community a bad name when we keep attacking each other like this”.

Let’s dismantle that. And let’s break this down in three basic points I’ll use throughout. 1. It is not your place to accept an apology that was not for you, especially when in regards to racism, sexism, anti-LGBTA+ bigotry, and anti-semitism. 2. We need to stop lumping in actual criticism with alt-right idiots being shitty about marginalized groups existing, because ultimately, infighting is not the end of the world, and disagreements are not inherently bad. They are a fact of life. 3.  Most importantly of all, just because these people claim to be allies, that does not mean that they are. Because make no mistake. CARTOONS ARE NOT ANY LESS EFFECTED BY THE BIASES OF THE ENVIRONMENTS WHICH PRODUCED THEM THAN ANY OTHER WORK OF ART.

Now. Let’s break down that shit completely.

1. I used those examples as a jumping-off point, but in general, this shit always happens. A creator fucks up, they get criticism which was unquestionably earned, they get rightfully dragged, and the creator uses the backlash to garner sympathy from their audiences and paint their critics in a bad light and whine about Cancel Culture. NOW, I already talked about that in another post, but basically, it doesn’t exist, and is used as a weaponized shield from criticism. 

Thing about all of that as well is when the creators keep bringing up how they didn’t mean it like that. Most people would answer this with, “doesn’t matter, what matters is what you did”, but there’s something else that people don’t talk about. This is usually a bunch of white people excusing this shit. Or otherwise, a bunch of people who weren’t actually affected by the latest controversy. And therein lies the rub. Allies, let me put it this way. WHEN THE SUBJECT OF THE CRITICISM IS ABOUT THE PORTRAYAL OF MINORITIES IN MEDIA, YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO EXPECT SAID MINORITIES TO FORGIVE THOSE CREATORS WHEN YOU WERE NOT AFFECTED BY IT.

Remember the Lana Del Rey controversy, where her dumbass ended up getting shit for her statement filled with venom towards other artists? Could have been cleared up if she had just accepted that she messed up and didn’t word her statement correctly, but no. She lashed out at the people who told her it was kinda racist to lump a bunch of black female artists into a conglomerate of artists who just, “twerk, cheat, have sex, and get money”, and dismissing feminism as needing to accommodate women “like her, who were more delicate”, perpetuating inadvertently to the idea that black women are less delicate, white women are petite, demure, and need to have a place above the others. AND LOOK, it’s how she responded that sealed it. Accusing her critics of being the actual racists, who hate women, and conflating the criticism with.....ugh....a FUCKING RACE WAR. Do I EVEN need to explain the problem with that?

The point is that it was idiotic of her to assume that she didn’t deserve the criticism because she “technically didn’t mean it”, when ultimately, she wasn’t the victim, she wasn’t the one who ACTUALLY got hurt by all of this, and that most of the criticism WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR as vitriolic as Lana accused it of being. And people do this to minorities all the fucking time. Where the praise for the work is what matters, but then they’re just upset and looking to be upset about things when they....sorry, when WE have shit to say about the fuckups. Constantly, minorities are expected to praise bare minimum bullshit lest we have self proclaimed “””””allies””””” get pissy that we aren’t playing along. Well, sorry, but, I think it be time to stop with that shit. It doesn’t matter how pure you think that person is. If the people who are the actual part of the controversy have shit to say about it, MAYBE LISTEN TO THEM instead of trying to force people to accept the apology that wasn’t even yours to accept, nor was it for you to shove in our faces to shut us up. And if you dislike that I’m saying that, just know. That’s exactly what you’re doing when you pull that shit.

2. As simply as I can put it, complaining about how a trans person is portrayed badly is not the same as complaining ABOUT the presence of a trans person, and to lump that shit onto the other pile is dishonest and willfully ignorant. When we keep getting upset about the tone, or upset about, “WAAAH, they said a me-no-like”, and lump that in with the actual facists looking to erase us from the history books, we are doing half of their job for them, and normalizing shit like what I saw the other day, where on Twitter, some asshole complained, “Anime is supposed to be an escape from reality. Adding black people to it kinda ruins the point.”

I’m gonna talk about it in the next point, but for now, understand this. NO ONE says shit like that just out of the blue without having it come from somewhere, and that attitude is all too prevalent.

In cartoons especially, criticism of the NB lizard from She-Ra is not being bigoted towards non-binary people, because the use of a fucking lizard to portray them is the ACTUALLY bigoted thing. And to lump in criticism of that with the criticism of She-Ra not being conventionally attractive enough for men to masturbate to the fucking minor is only going to long-term HARM any discourse. Because having these conversations as well as discussing these issues and educating each other about them is how we AVOID THEM. Criticism is not just a vector for asshole conservatives to be pissy about your existence. It’s also a veritable TREASURE TROVE for how not to fuck your shit up. And when we all get it, we learn. I get it, you don’t want to do shit wrong, but when you do, as everyone will, the backlash will burn itself out, and once you’ve fixed it, people will be very forgiving. Because, and it’s gonna sound mean....THAT’S HOW AUDIENCES WORK. THEY WANT TO FORGIVE YOU FOR WHEN YOU DO SHIT WRONG. So just...fix it. And listen. Yeah, you’ll get called stupid, you’ll get called “moron”, but you will have saved yourself from getting that shit ten times worse later on down the line. BEAR IN MIND, THOUGH, any of you already typing about how that’s enabling cyberbullying under the guise of critique, IT’S NOT. There’s a wealth of difference between the two, and trying to distract from the point with that is just a red herring. So stop with that.

And now....for the biggest one of all.

3. See...here’s the thing. About that anime douche. That doesn’t happen in JUST anime. It’s been around for decades, and has been a thing to this day. The WoW community got upset about womz being in power for the past 15 years, and have gotten on their high horse about black people being in the game, stating that if they were around sooner, maybe it wouldn’t, “SEEM TOO POLITICAL”, with that Asmongold jackass trying to start a second wave of GamerGate because one of the people at Blizzard said, “Black Lives Matter”. Fantasy as a genre has been so rooted in racism, that the inclusion of goblins for the most part is synonymous with anti-semitism towards Jewish people. Captain Marvel was pilloried for the past two years because the mean lady said that shit needs to change and wasn’t too nice, and also, me don’t like her too much. Basically, tone policing over a personality that we still give Howard Stern a platform for. In cartoons, the inclusion of black people is seen as an inherently political opinion. The rumors of Gen 6 Apple Jack possibly having a black voice actress prompted comments such as:

“The thiing with AJ is clearly anti-white/conservatist as a response to Trump America. What is opposite of country redneck female? Of course, and urban black woman.”

“It’s the fact that she’s black that bothers me.”

“Killing a blonde freckled Southern character for some political agenda is the last thing I want to see.”

The news of Velma Dinkley being gay was immediately pounced upon with shit about a homosexual agenda, and constant bullshit about how it was so forced, or whatever. This shit always happens, and is gonna keep happening. You know why?

Because the entertainment industry is not ready to accept minorities. The games industry is not ready to accept minorities. Cartoons are still not ready to accept minorities. They accept them for a moment, until those minorities challenge someone’s ego. Fans embrace a character until they’re a woman, or a POC, or on the spectrum, or LGBTA+. The existence of us is denigrating to these idiots’ escape, not from reality, but from us. It’s bad enough that they have to put up with us in the real world, but even worse that they have to see us in fictional shows that aren’t real.’ Us merely BEING AROUND is a bad thing, and to ask for some improvements is met with bemoaning about agendas.

Supposed allies begin and end their support with how much money we put in their wallets and how much we stroke their egos about how woke they are, and actual allies are lumped in with actual offenders. If we get upset that a show they’ve posited as so enlightening is actually the utter pits and not in any way healthy, they get upset. Tell a Reylo they’re shipping something toxic and dangerous, they’ll get upset and yell racial slurs at John Boyega for sitting next to Daisy Ridley. Say, “Fuck Arthas”, people get upset jump down your throat about how you hate forgiveness. Tell people that the Grinch ought not to be forgiven, people get upset you’re strawmaned about how you hate forgiveness.

They just don’t understand, or care about the essential fact about all of this. As I said earlier. The environments which produce the worst of offenders in these fields, and the problems we hate seeing so much are in no way less affected by the biases that they were cultivated by. And media has never been any more ready to accept minorities as people and as worthy of being portrayed as people than literally anywhere else right now. And speaking up about that is what gets these fake allies mad, especially when they LIKE the media. What makes these people so mad is not the troubling portrayal of POC, or women, or minorities. Not that we are routinely ostracized for existing in cartoons, not that this shit happens at all. They don’t give a flying fuck about any of that. It’s the thing that they have to put up with as a result of that that makes them the most upset.

Criticism. And they don’t like that.

And no matter whether or not these cartoons are made by bootlickers, or this movie was made by a TERF,  or if this creator has a history of blackface, racism, or has made garbage statements about women, if you aren’t nice and considerate enough towards their feelings, you’ll make them, and us, the allies, feel uncomfortable. NO DWAMA, just not too divisive feedback that’s ultimately worthless as it was made purely to try to appease idiots and the people most affected by these issues at the same time, meaning it had to be watered down past the point of no return in order for us to factor it in with our jaded mindsets and worldviews that are the direct cause of the problems we complain about, yet keep exacerbating through our ignorance and unwillingness to change.

If you aren’t like that, and don’t believe you should be lumped in with that, don’t behave as if you are that sort of person. But, even then, if you aren’t...listen to the actual experts. Stop listening to some white guy’s idiotic hot takes about black rep, and actually listen to black people. Listen to trans people instead of some cis white chick with no understanding of trans issues. Stop platforming the worst of offenders within these communities as the bestest ever. And most importantly....

remember that horses don’t exist.

[espejonight28738]

15×09 "The Trap" Meta

Warning: As always, Destiel and Saileen positive so don't like don't read.

OMG guys I can't even this episode was something else. Like, for real.

First of all, it looks like I was right about Eileen being part of Chuck's plan.

"I helping to Sam the Bunker. To Sam. To Romance." Thanks Chuck for proving me right, but if you could please not hurt my baby Eileen and Sam while you do it would be awesome ;-;

Now if only I could be in the right about the happy ending...

But whatever. Let's talk about the prayer first, because I could talk about it for hours. Everything was so wonderful.

First, when Dean looks he only have 29 minutes left to find Cas, you could see all the trauma resourfaced. You could see how he was imagining ending up without Cas again. Having to go back home (although he didn't seem to be going to the portal when right before he found Cas, but I have no certainty about it) and leave Cas behind, and he imagined himself reliving the guilt and the hallucinations and the hopelessness.

[Gif by the amazing @agusvedder because I want you to look at him and tell me that ain't the look of a man who just imagined losing the love of his life again]

And, above all, Dean imagined having to live through it all knowing he never fixed their relationship. Rowena's words about not waiting until it was too late must have been ringing in his ears. And he knows that he needs Cas to know.

Purgatory's pureness gave him a new understanding of his emotions, and I'm not talking about the anger (it's obvious Dean already knew he had that problem), but the need for Cas.

"Cas, buddy, I need you." That same need, mixed with the possibility of losing Cas yet once again was enough for Dean to just break down in the middle of a land of abominations.

And the first thing he says. "I should've stopped you." Can you see how he is telling us we were right all along? Cas said "I left but you didn't stop me." And now Dean knows he could have.

If he had tried to talk, if he had asked Cas to stay, maybe he wouldn't have left. Dean put himself through that depression (the even heavier drinking, comfort food, the coldness) .

[And as an author note. How was that real? "You didn't stop me/I should've stop you" The Brontë sisters WISH they could write that levels of angsty romance.]

And, having Dean finally admitting to his very real anger issues gives me very high hopes for everything else. It's not like his problem will disappear, it does was kinda beaten into him, but having him admitting it is recognizing it as a standing problem between Dean and a Happy Future, so we can assume that will be another one of the problem they'll tackle in the rest of the season.

(Or maybe they'll forget about it. But s15 has been so good until now that I'm hoping they won't ignore it.)

And Dean calling Cas his best friends. Holy mother of God. I know I made several jokes about it, but it truly is so significant. Because words like "Family" and "Brother (and sister for Charlie)" are ones Dean had given other people. But Best Friend is only for Cas, it puts him in a special place in Dean's live no one else shares.

Maybe it's not exactly the place we want him to be in (yet), but the fact alone that they recognize once again how Dean and Cas' relationship is different to the one they have with anyone else.

So when did found Cas and said "Okay, Cas, I need to say something", I agree we wasn't about to repeat his prayer.

The Prayer (the fact that Dean got on his damn knees, for god's sake) was a moment of absolute vulnerability and emotion. Dean grew up in with a "no emotions" mentality tought to him by John, and so we seldom see him show this kind of raw vulnerability by choice. Considering that the Winchesters (as always, I include Jack and Cas in there) are an experts in 'I screw up and you got angry but then we had a bigger problem so we kinda left it behind us bc we are family and I love you anyway, or we just move on without never really discussing it' but not in actually apologizing, I would go as far as to say this was probably the most heartfelt apologize we've seen in the series.

I've watched the scene like a million times, and he just carries an attitude of doing something big. Like a big reveal, not like repiting himself.

Because he knew Cas heard him. The reason he said "I hope you can here me, that wherever you are, it's not too late" it's 'cause he was afraid Cas had died. That is was really too late. Once he saw Cas was alive? I don't think Dean doubted for a second Cas had heard him. He was hoing to say something else.

Cas clearly didn't want to take the risk of Dean telling him what he truly wanted to hear- what he had wanted for years. The risk of his deal with the Empty hovering behind hime. He couldn't be so selfish as allowing himself to hear it, just to abandon Dean right after.

Then Cas interrupted him.

Or abandoning Sam when he was at God's mercy, or leaving the World SavingTM to them. He couldn't. Dean doesn't even now about the deal.

I cannot tell you how much I loved it. Not in a "I want this to happen" way, of course not, but in what it means.

That's why Dabb said this episode wasn't the resolution. There's still much unsaid between them, if you believe there is an 'I love you' somewhere there. I think that's what has my hopes the highest. Because if they are only bff, then why didn't this solve everything? What is left hanging? I don't want to clown but it's literally the only thing that makes sense in my opinion.

And now, let's talk about the future Sam saw.

Sam and Dean don't need only each other to be happy, they need other people. That's basically what that future said.

"What's happened to you Dean? Ever since..."

"Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we ever cared about?"

[There is like a 2 second pause here that I feel very important andd significant. The separation between what 'everyone' and 'Cas']

"Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah." [Jfc you can hear it pains him to say Cas' name]

"Bobby had a death wish and you know it. And Jody? Ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does too.

And after Eileen? So do you."

He's acknowledging everyone's breaking point. Jody's was Donna and the girls (we don't know exactly which one was the last straw, as we know that at least in Claire's case they died at different times). Sam's was Eileen. His was Cas.

And he is very clear in that. We can't know what happened first, but we know that Sam asks what happened to *him* and he says it was Cas going crazy. It was having to bury Cas alive what made him lose all hope. Because at least he can hope they ones dead can find pace, but Cas? Dean, and for how he said it he probably did it alone, had to bury Cas knowing he was going to be there for the rest of the time. Suffering alone. Dean knows how it's like to have the Mark.

That broke Dean. And having Sam wasn't enough to put him back together.

And after Eileen somehow died again, Sam just stop caring about living, he just care about taking down as many monsters as he can before he dies. 'Death wish' Dean called it. He would know about that, he is Dean "You wanna die" Winchester, after all.

Having Dean wasn't enough for Sam to want to keep on living.

"We lost, brother. We lost. I'm done."

They still have each other? Yes. Is that remotely enough? No. That's what the future told us. They need more than each other, they need other people.

But there was a little something else that made it even more beautiful.

"The Dean who raised me [...]"

Let's be clear about something, I think the show never gives enough recognition for having raised same pretty much by himself since he was 4 years. The situation was totally unfair to Dean and yet he never once took it out on Sam, he just look out for him, cooked for him, and make sure he could be as much of a child as the situation allowed, that is a lot more than Dean ever could. In his own words, he wasn't just a brother, he was also a father and a mother.

I just want to cry for thinking how hard that was for both brother. And Sam knows it, even if he doesn't always acknowledges. So the fact that he chose the words "the Dean that raised me" when "the Dean that I know", for example, would have conveyed the sentiment as well, is significant.

They wanted to remember how important they are for each other, how much they love each other. They don't dismiss that, they are making sure we remember that, at the same time they are telling us the alone aren't enough for a happy ending.

They are telling us what we need for a True Happy Ending.

Dean and Sam still being close brothers and loving each other, but allowing themselves to love and need other people.

Okay I'll go to the point.

A HAPPY ENDING IS SAM AND THEN HAVING OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES WITHOUT LOSING EACH OTHER.

A HAPPY ENDING IS THE END OF THE TOXIC CODEPENDENCY AND THE START OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT INCLUDES THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

You guys now I've been saying they are hinting at it since my meta of "The Rupture" but this ain't foreshadowing THEY ARE SCREAMING IT. Like I can't come up with a radically different interpretation.

So this episode only got my hopes for endgame Saileen and Destiel (the destiel maybe not at canon as the saileen, but heavily hinted at least) even higher. Specially for the parallel with Eileen having Dean's doubts ("I don't know what's real") and Sam making kinda answering the same ("We are"/"I know that was real"). Btw I'll be screaming because of that for the rest of my days.

[BONUS: Random questions I can't seem to answer.

Does the angels even know God's going bersek? I mean, Belphegor didn't know it was God the one who broke hell... but even Lilith's been brought back. Do they know Micheal's back? God I don't know.

Was that really a possible future? Or it does was like a Zacharaiah tactic? Why does Chuck's abscence makes monster go crazy? Wasn't the point that it didn't unblanaced the powers?

Story-wise, why ain't Cas in next episode?

Was that the last mention of Claire? An off-screen hypotetical death? Please someome let me see my girl again.]

Tagging: @metafest @verobatto-angelxhunter @agusvedder @legendary-destiel @that-one-fandom-chick @studio-hatter

[unfolded73]

If You’re Happy, I’m Happy (1/1) - schitt’s creek ff

The first in a series (maybe?) of post-episode reaction fics, this one for 6x01. Patrick and Moira talk. Rated G, 1500 words.

_________________

Moira Rose had been shooting him regretful glances throughout the barbecue, and it made Patrick nervous. After Cabaret, he felt like he knew David’s mother fairly well, and she’d never looked at him like that before, not with anything approaching regret. (Not even when she told him once in a moment of frustration that he danced like a ‘rigor mortis-afflicted rugby player.’) Maybe she was feeling bad for them that the wedding venue had turned out to be slaughterhouse-adjacent. If that was the case, her regret was unnecessary as far as he was concerned. Patrick was relieved that Elmbridge Manor hadn’t worked out, he had to admit to himself. Even with all the discounts, that venue would have put them into debt and Patrick didn’t want to start his marriage that way. So the dying pigs had been… okay, that had been horrible, but they also had presented him with a reprieve from having to pay for that place.

Still, when Alexis wandered away from the picnic table to talk on the phone to Ted again and David excused himself to go locate some bug spray, Patrick found himself again under the gaze of Moira while her husband sat at the other end of the table and chewed on what appeared to be overly tough bites of pork chop.

“As I resurface from my week of disheartenment, it is occurring to me that it was opprobrious of me to overshadow your and David’s engagement as I did. I apologize, Patrick.” She reached over and patted his hand gently a couple of times, bracelets jangling.

“It’s okay, Mrs. Rose,” he said, suppressing the urge to chuckle at her word choices or worse, to come up with some unusual words of his own to use in response. That was the kind of trolling that he could do with David and even with Alexis, but he was still trying to be on good behavior for his future mother-in-law.

She smiled happily, as if that simple ‘it’s okay’ from him was all it took to alleviate any guilt she’d been carrying. Patrick envied how easily she shed her regret as if it had never been there in the first place. He wondered what it was like, going through life like that. Not lying awake and cringing over something you said ten years ago.

“I’ll confess, I didn’t imagine that our David would ever marry. But John and I are exultant that you are to be his life partner, Patrick,” Moira said. “Right, John?”

Johnny Rose looked up, confused. He obviously hadn’t been paying any attention to what she was saying. “What?”

“I was saying how pleased we are that Patrick and David are to wed.”

“Oh! Oh, yes. Very pleased.” It wasn’t insincere, but David’s father clearly had his mind on something else. He put his knife and fork down. “I should probably clean the grill.”

“Do you want some help, Mr. Rose?” Patrick, said, starting to get up.

“No, Patrick, you stay put. I’ve got it.”

Patrick settled back onto the bench, watching Moira’s face as she watched her husband.

“He probably thinks I don’t realize,” she said softly.

“Realize what?”

“That he’s disconsolate over this eleventh hour resurrection of my career,” she replied. “I suppose I should be flattered that my husband doesn’t want to share me with the adoring public.”

Patrick turned and glanced over at Johnny, armed with a grill brush and vigorously scrubbing. Then he turned back to Moira.

“Maybe he just doesn’t want you to have to go through this… roller coaster again.” He’d watched the family (soon to be his own family) carefully over the last week as they worked to navigate Moira’s behavior. He’d lain in bed with David and listened as David told him the story of when his mother’s character had been permanently killed off of Sunset Bay, how she spent almost a month curled up in an admittedly much larger and more luxurious closet, popping pills and weeping, occasionally emerging to perform her grief in front of the family when she felt like they’d been ignoring her for too long. He’d sat with Alexis in the dressing room backstage before their Cabaret performances, watching her organize and reorganize her makeup case while she talked like her mother’s behavior wasn’t a burden on her psyche when clearly it was. He’d also seen the worry and lack of sleep on Johnny Rose’s face. “He’s probably just worried about you,” Patrick added.

“Well, there’s nothing at all to worry about,” Moira said, her voice louder and her vowels stretched to their limit, but then just as quickly her shoulders dropped and when she spoke again, her voice was a little more normal, more subdued. “He’s become content with our life here. He doesn’t understand why I’m not.”

Patrick’s stomach churned at that. The parallel between Johnny and Moira’s relationship and his own wasn’t lost on him. Yes, David seemed mostly content with the life they were building here, but every time some fact of their rural existence made David huff and roll his eyes and complain, a part of Patrick wondered how long that contentment would last. If perhaps they had different visions for where their lives would be in ten or twenty or thirty years. It wasn’t something they’d really talked about much. It was something they definitely needed to talk about more.

“I think as long as you’re happy, Mr. Rose will be happy,” Patrick said, an echo of the words he’d said to David at Elmbridge Manor. “Even if it means that you end up…” He didn’t want to say the words out loud, as if saying them would manifest the fact of them. “Even if you end up moving away.”

Moira patted him on the hand again. “I envy you and David, poised here in the starting blocks with your whole lives ahead of you, your time together to be tallied in decades. Being a team as you run the race of life makes the hurdles easier to gambol over, I assure you.”

Patrick wasn’t sure Moira’s racing analogy made any logical sense, but he appreciated the sentiment. “Yeah.”

David appeared from around the corner of the motel then, a spray bottle of insect repellent in one hand. He’d changed out of the culottes that Patrick had initially mistaken for a skirt (and his attraction to David in a skirt was definitely something they would need to revisit later) and into jeans, probably to protect himself more effectively from bugs. The sun was starting to drop in the sky, the onset of evening giving everything a golden-red glow.

“Hey,” Patrick said, reaching out for David’s free hand. “Need me to spray that on for you?”

“No, I’m good,” David said, leaning over and kissing the top of Patrick’s head. It was an almost unbearably sweet gesture. “I brought this for you. I know how much mosquitoes adore you.”

“As much as you do?” Patrick said, taking the bug spray as Moira got up and tottered across the grass on her 5-inch heels toward her husband at the grill.

“Mmm, possibly, and I’m very jealous,” David said, giving Patrick an eye-crinkling smile. He’d been giving Patrick more and more of those smiles over the last several months, as if somewhere between I-love-you and easiest-decision-of-my-life, the muscles in David’s face that suppressed his smiles had decided to take a succession of long-deserved naps.

“How jealous though?” Patrick asked, pulling David down onto the bench beside him.

David straddled the bench seat and then leaned close and kissed him, his smile drawing together as his lips pressed against Patrick’s. Out of the corner of his eye as he pulled away from David, Patrick could see Johnny and Moira kissing too.

“It’s not just because Alexis is your sister, you know,” Patrick said.

David frowned. “What?”

“The reason it’s important for her to be at our wedding. It’s not just because she’s your sister, although obviously that’s important. It’s also because she’s been there for us from the beginning. She was the first person you told that we kissed.”

Rolling his eyes, David settled his ringed fingers onto Patrick’s thigh. “That’s because we shared a tiny living space and she always notices when there’s something going on with me.”

“And she’s always rooted for us.” Patrick recalled several talks he’d had with Alexis in the early months of their relationship, while he was ostensibly helping her with her Elmdale College classes. Those conversations had helped him understand better what it meant to love David. It’s possible that without them, he and David may not have made it to this point. “I need her to be there. It wouldn’t feel right to me, getting married without Alexis there.”

David’s hand moved up and down Patrick’s leg. “I guess… it wouldn’t feel right to me either,” he said grudgingly. “But don’t tell her I said that,” David whispered quickly as Alexis rejoined them at the table with Stevie at her side and a couple of bottles of wine in hand.

Patrick turned and mimicked David’s position on the bench so that he could lean back against David’s chest, letting his fiancé support his weight. He closed his eyes against the setting sun, the warmth of it on his face. Whatever the future held for any of them, at that moment he felt like all of them were invincible, held upright by the sheer force of their love for each other to face it head-on.

[alltingfinns]

For the July celebration of Sherlock’s Ten Year Jubilee I am continuing what I was already doing the rewatch:

“Look at you and John.” Superquickly “What about us?”

The theme of this episode is John and Sherlock being defensive about their relationship.

(Okay that is John’s theme in general, but Sherlock isn’t usually.)

Wait, did Henry and Sherlock just decide to ignore that John went off on his own? Both of them?

They do play with some classic horror staples like the scary sound with an innocent origin and jump scares.

Ohh, that sideways glance at John as he dismisses the hound, not realizing that Sherlock lied when he said he didn’t see it.

The way the scene is filmed whenever there’s a closeup of Sherlock with John in the picture almost looks like they are separated and then superimposed. Sherlock’s doubts are separating them.

Spock as a Vulcan was not free from feelings but rather constantly keeping them under check. He also claimed to be quoting an ancestor when saying that “whatever remains” quote, so a descendent of Doyle? SH is canonically fictional in the ST universe.

Getting sidetracked.

John had much better patient relation with Henry. Why did he think repeating Sherlock’s name was going to help?

John looks pissed.

“Look for the dog/woman” (I am not even attempting to write out the French) classic crime novel theme with a canine twist. Usually it’s about looking for motive though.

A bit silly that they don’t notice the man who screamed “NOTHING WRONG!” pointing at them just a minute later.

Still don’t get quite why John is so pissed before Sherlock tells him to leave him alone. Sherlock is upset and not handling it well but John takes it personally?

Maybe the emotion got to him too?

For the first time I saw “diana” in Henry’s flashback. His memory is clearing up.

All those other guys, just looky-loos? Except they came in their cars which isn’t the most discreet peeping tool out in the moor, so are they waiting their turn?

Sherlock knows John’s type but still doesn’t realize that he belongs to it.

Henry’s like “I knew I shouldn’t have gotten the ironic cable package”

“Only a nutter if you’re wrong”

Aww, even when things are rough John is more concerned with Sherlock than the case. His music even chimes in.

But here comes the party crasher.

Frankland is almost too obvious with that sabotage.

Omg! The Netflix subtitle referred to them as “sambo”! A serious couple who live together! It’s like whoever’s translating this thought there’s no point in being subtle about the “live-in PA” implications.

Yeah, no, John. Frankland may have fooled you with his schtick but he clearly knows who Henry’s therapist (and other weak points) is.

And then not at all subtly implicating Stapleton. I think someone went to the same deflecting-guilt coach as the president!

Look on the bright side John, for once the girl thought you had a thing for a guy that wasn’t Sherlock.

He really likes standing on that cliff. (When you are tall but still want to be tall.)

“Oh look you’ve got damp” is about my level of small talk.

Act eccentric enough and you can sneak out some sugar without raising questions.

Between Sherlock standing dramatically in high places and spotting John looking concerned in a cemetery...

UMQRA didn’t lead anywhere but sex.

A serious discussion about their friendship and Sherlock’s humanity in a cemetery...

Sherlock technically doesn’t insult John, he just calls him not a genius. Still doesn’t mean that John is average (or less) in intellect.

Sherlock, dear Sherlock. It really seemed more plausible to you that John was in on some Mycroft conspiracy to call Lestrade Greg, than the possibility that it is his given name?

I’m assuming this is where the mystrade ship set sail since it’s the first real connection of any kind between the characters.

Not your handler.

And again John shows his cleverness with appreciation from Sherlock.

The tenderness in “you don’t have to keep apologizing”.

Oh poor John. If you don’t take sugar in your coffee it can taste outright nasty when it’s added, especially if there’s no milk. But Sherlock just pouts the slightest bit and John weakens.

The Sherlock mirror was going to put the dog down but couldn’t.

I don’t get the denial about Sherlock being autistic when they have John mention aspergers. Of course the stigma is so strong you have plenty of people saying aspergers isn’t autism at all, which is sort of like saying hay fever isn’t pollen allergy.

It’s plot convenient that they go to Baskerville but is it just for the literally lab condition? He does analyze the sugar there.

John smiles a bit at “could be dangerous”. At this point that sentence should be engraved in their wedding rings.

I wonder what he promised Mycroft in return. “No fat jokes for a week.” “A year.” “Fine.”

You really feel for Henry.

The aerosol is dispersed in a room with the warning “Keep out! Unless you want a cold.” COVID-19 premonitions in my 2012 episode of Sherlock?

Also, how many others were unwitting test subjects?

Clearly light sensitivity is a symptom. Obviously didn’t come up in Dewer’s Hollow.

John trying to call Sherlock with the John music, ahh.

There’s almost no time between “can you see it” and Sherlock’s appearance so he must have been close by.

Sherlock has at least the morsel of decency to look guilty when John says he was wrong.

Why is everything about the bunny the absolute funniest thing?

A jellyfish!

Also Sherlock sneaking glances at John while doing lab work...

I had to look up Aequorea Victoria because I almost thought they picked it for the Victorian reference, but it is best known as a source for GFP (green fluorescent protein). They did their homework.

It may be a bit silly, but I really like the mind palace sequence.

It only works because Sherlock at some point read about CIA classified projects. I feel this is an untapped bit of his background. How much work has he done for his brother?

He figures out that Barrymore feel such a familiarity with Tatcher that he would refer to her by Maggie.

Aerosol Dispersal, how is that not what you focus on, Sherlock?

People make fun of the “top secret sweaters” but 1) people print sweaters for the silliest reasons and 2) it probably started out as a team name thing for the scientists involved before things went haywire and the project shut down. The project H.O.U.N.D. may have been a collective team name that ended up attached to the disaster. They made those sweaters thinking they were going to do a lot of other projects which they presumably didn’t.

Goddammit, Sherlock! You know a mind altering fear drug is around and you tell Lestrade to bring a gun? All John said was that Henry attacked her, although I guess he heard Louise saying gun.

There was a lot that I had no further comment on.

“Why not kill me?” “Because he needed to discredit you.”

:|

Don’t know if I’d look so relieved by the idea of dying from an explosion. But it does look like he’d rather die than face it, and he may have been tired from the secret keeping and the conspiracy upon conspiracy.

Sherlock did see why they didn’t put the dog down, but this episode in general enforces the “playing Sherlock Holmes” for John’s benefit. It’s possible that his main takeaway from their fight was that John doesn’t like him having feelings.

Ahh, I see. I guessed John figured out that Sherlock “drugged” him back when he was angry about sugar. The realization now is that Sherlock locked him in the lab.

It’s so mean and so funny. I feel bad for laughing and yet I do.

Okay here he calls John average.

John wants him to admit being wrong but Sherlock fears that he will lose John’s interest then. “Won’t happen again.”

Poop jokes! Kind of feel that was specifically to take advantage of the “go see a man about a dog”.

Wonder what’s on Moriarty’s mind?

[tsarisfanfiction]

Treasured Family: Chapter 3

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Gen Genre: Family Characters: Scott, John, Alan, Gordon, Virgil

Scott's day hadn't gone well, and was about to get worse. John doesn't care for that, and Alan makes a good accomplice. Post-Episode Tag for 3.22 "Buried Treasure"

Previous chapter

When Scott wasn't waiting in the den for a debrief, Gordon's scowl deepened. Behind him, banging away at the poor piano in a way that almost made him wince, Virgil made his own displeasure at their eldest brother's absence known. They knew Scott was home – Thunderbird One hadn't been so far ahead of them that they hadn't seen her land, and a trail of mud Grandma was muttering at darkly leading from her hanger up towards the bedrooms plainly stated where he had gone.

Scott was hiding from them, and Gordon's frustration at him bubbled higher. Why did Scott bother hanging back with Two uncomfortably if he was going to ignore them as soon as they got home? If he needed his space to come to terms with why exactly he'd messed up, why hadn't he zoomed off at Mach ridiculous to sulk before they got back?

Of course, it wasn't that simple, and Gordon knew it. While Virgil fumed about inconsiderate brothers and insincere apologies, Gordon was well aware that the genuine culprit for his grievances was out of reach. He was just too mad at Scott for wrecking that one of a kind find to play with it. There were plenty of toys they could play with if he so desired. So maybe he was playing Virgil against Scott as part of his own vengeance, but he was getting fed up of Scott not listening to him.

"Hey guys."

Gordon blinked up at the hologram of his second eldest brother, who had materialised all of a sudden for no apparent reason. No International Rescue, we have a situation. Just hey guys.

His squid sense pickled.

"Not in the mood, John," Virgil grunted, not stopping his staccato rendition of… something. One of those pieces Gordon recognised but hell if you asked him to name it.

"Your topiary wasn't Scott's fault, you know," John pointed out, blunt and tactless in his annoying way. "I'm the one that told Gordon where to surface."

The piano didn't stop.

"I know," Virgil replied, a throwaway comment at odds with the angry piano. "I was still in the comms loop."

"Wait, what?" Gordon cut in, startled. He'd been sure Virgil was mad at Scott for that. What else did he even have to be mad at him about, if not the destruction of his art? Virgil always got foul after his art got ruined – a lesson he'd learnt the hard way.

"'The good news is the emergency's over'," Virgil mimicked. "Do you know how long it took me to calm the gardener down? And then Scott comes in and puts his foot in it and everything's back to square one."

"Tact has never been Scott's strong point," John pointed out. "You know this, Virgil."

"What are you trying to say, Johnny?" Gordon cut in, his squid sense still tingling away. "There's more to this than just us being mad at Scott. It's not like you to intervene when you know this'll all blow over in a few hours."

Sure, he was mad at Scott. And he really needed to have a talk with Scott about being listened to because a super rare collectable is one thing, but not being taken seriously on a mission is another entirely. He's still not entirely over Four being buried in sea sludge.

But they're family and he knows Scott's trying. It's impossible to stay truly mad at Scott for long when in a few hours he'll get up for a glass of water in the middle of the night and find him passed out at the desk because he's working himself too hard again.

John didn't protest at being called Johnny. The tingle turned into a full blown pins and needles.

The piano stopped.

"Brains freed the Mechanic while you were gone," John said, apropos of nothing. Unrelated. Except this was John and there's always a point with John, even if it's obscure. "The good news is that it worked."

"And the bad?" Virgil asked when he paused, flopping down on the sofa beside Gordon. A united front against older brothers, even if one of them was still notably absent from the conversation.

"The Hood found out about the T-Drive."

Well, shit. Gordon clenched his fist. Beside him, Virgil inhaled sharply.

"Scott knows?" his immediate brother asked. Gordon blinked when John shook his head.

"Not yet."

"He'd want to know." Virgil raked a hand through his gelled hair. Not a strand left its rigid positioning – Virgil liked to point out how much effort Scott put into his own hair, but Gordon knew who the real hair diva of the family was.

"I know."

Gordon squinted at John. His squid sense was still bothered.

"He's going to blow a fuse when he finds out you told us first," he pointed out. "Why?"

John rubbed his face, a tic he'd picked up from Scott years ago when particularly weary about something. He didn't use it anywhere near as much as Scott.

"Because today was the first time I've seen Scott happy in too long," he finally caved. "Since the Mechanic agreed to help us he's been sleeping better and his stress levels have reduced slightly. He played with that toy, Gordon."

Oh yes, Gordon was well aware of that. Taking a mint condition ancient collector's item out of its box was taboo yet Scott had torn it open without a second thought and immediately started to pull at its arms and watch it bounce back in delight. He'd looked like Alan then, for a moment.

Suddenly he realised what John was trying to say.

"I'm still mad about the figure," he said, crossing his arms. "I mean, come on. That was a once in a lifetime find! Who even does that?"

"I really am sorry I didn't take you seriously, Gordon."

He whirled around, hearing a muffled curse from Virgil as his brother did the same next to him. Scott was still in his uniform, far more splattered with mud than he remembered him being, but then again he'd been too busy talking with Scraps – and too mad at Scott – to really look at him after the mission. It seemed like being on the outside of the Dragonfly while the WRM chased them was far rougher than Scott had let on. Alan was bouncing beside him, controller clutched in one hand. It had traces of mud on it, too. Clearly their youngest brother had been on distraction duty.

"And Virgil," Scott was still talking. "I'm sorry your peacemaking with the gardener got ruined. And your… tree sculpture."

"Topiary," Virgil corrected, crossing his arms. "Next time, leave the bystanders to me. Or Gordon. Or even Alan."

"Hey!"

Scott chuckled, a sound Gordon had heard far too little of recently now John had him thinking about it.

"I can do that."

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END