#maybe she will never get therapy for her issues but at least she won't be continuously around ppl who make them worse for her
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Genuinely though I want to see Reiju be able to leave Germa and just be like, so fucking dysfunctional as an individual for a while. I want her to be able to shed her piles and piles of masking she did all the time while with her family because it's so useless when not with them and realize there's kind of nothing underneath all that. She's lived so long assuming she would live and die a weapon of war for her father that when she's free of it there's no real underlying desires or things she remembers enjoying or anything.
She has Sanji, who she cares for unconditionally, but that doesn't do much for her. Sanji is fine and happy, and he is elsewhere while she is here, wherever here is. She can't cling to him.
I want her to come to terms with her reduced emotional capacity. Settle on looking "grumpy" to strangers and getting questions about that instead of putting on a smile, because she quickly learns the one she usually uses looks aggressively fake and is even more offputting . I want her to realize there's no magical line in the sand that makes her automatically more monstrous because she has a bit of a harder time empathizing with people and feeling things as strongly all the time. That folks are still kind to her here and there and she can choose to be kind back, because kindness is a set of actions and decisions and she can do them even if there's little feeling or conviction behind it. And I want guilt to crush her all the while, because that's never not going to happen. She is always going to feel so guilty.
I want her to find people that care about her. That she can just be with. People who try to help her fill all of that emptiness that is the space where her passions and earnest personality should be. People that don't really succeed in doing that but try anyway. Suggest hobbies that she takes up and doesn't feel a lot about but she does them anyway. People who are there when she finds something for herself and celebrate that she truly does enjoy it.
I want there to be a moment in the middle of the night where she realizes those words she cried to her little brother back when they were children apply to her too. That he would be so happy she found her own kind people. That this is what their mother wanted for her too. And I want her to realize she's allowed to be just as happy about that as well. That she doesn't deserve to die. That she's free.
I dunno I kinda think she deserves a nice and happy ending.
#binswrites#one piece#vinsmoke reiju#listen I love her so much#she makes me insane#and I want her to get to have a good life for herself that isn't tied to any of her insane baggage#maybe she will never get therapy for her issues but at least she won't be continuously around ppl who make them worse for her
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"Analyze Piss" was a great episode but not what I expected, which made it hard to write a review at first. I assumed that most of the episode would take place in Dr. Wong's office with Rick hashing out some of his issues. Admittedly, I guess that's what happened in a more indirect (and more entertaining) way.
When Jerry's fight with Pissmaster went on for a good couple of minutes, I was like...are we seriously spending valuable screentime on this? But I guess we needed to see Jerry being a badass and humiliating Pissmaster to understand why the world was fawning over him.
The topic of change keeps coming up this season. People tell Rick that he won't change, and he doesn't want to, but he IS changing. Unfortunately, no one seems to notice.
He tries to tell Jerry that acting like a superhero is a bad idea. The family boos him. He tells them at the end of the episode that he knew Jerry's adventures would fall apart, and they boo him again.
Rick tells them that they're only praising him for trying to change because they want to feel superior--and maybe he's right. In their minds, THEY don't have to change anything. HE does. And it's 100% true that Rick's fucked up a lot of shit, he's been abusive, he's hurt Morty in ways that he probably can't atone for, and he needs therapy more than anybody.
But they talk about his therapy visits in a condescending way, like "Aww, that's so cute! Are you going to change for us, Rick? Are you going to be docile and passive?" They praise him when they think that Rick concocted some crazy plan to boost Jerry's ego for no reason. When they learn the truth, they turn on him again.
I won't say that he doesn't deserve it. They don't owe him anything, and they'd be well within their rights to kick him out of the house and never talk to him again. But Rick didn't create the toxic family dynamic that Beth and Jerry had been cooking up for 16 years before he showed up. I think they're telling themselves that everything that happens is his fault, and he's getting to the point where he's kind of letting them think that.
Rick smiles to himself when the Smiths leave with Jerry on his ship (although he does drink from his flask) and ignores a couple of the bad guys tailing him. When they start fighting each other and leave him alone, he thinks that he's got it all figured out.
But inevitably, he starts to fall apart. He gets drunk and hears people at the bar mocking Pissmaster. "Who could relate, being that much of a piece of shit?" Rick can. He and Pissmaster aren't that different--they provoke people, they're pieces of shit and everyone wants them to be the villain. He's going to visit Pissmaster so they can drink beer and bond over their shitty lives.
He arrives to find that Pissmaster killed himself. Through the door, Rick hears Pissmaster's daughter apologize and say that she's worried about him, she loves him and she'd blame herself if something happened to him--all things that Rick would love to hear from his own daughter, and probably never will hear. At least not in that same fretful, emotional tone.
Everything goes to shit for everyone except Pissmaster's daughter, who believes that her father died a hero. Admittedly, Rick shouldn't have told Morty about the note--it's understandable that he'd want someone to know the truth, but he can't trust a 14-year-old kid with that information, and he needs to stop seeing Morty as his peer anyway. He should've taken it to Dr. Wong.
But telling the truth just makes the Smiths turn on him again. And after all that, why should Rick change? Why be honest? Why not play the roles that they want him to play: the aggressive villain or the docile old man, or both?
Sometimes, the people around you don't want you to change even if it's for the best. I don't think the Smiths want anything to change. That would force Beth and Jerry to face their shitty marriage and the ways they abused and neglected their children, especially Morty, and that's not going to happen.
Just keep blaming everything on the drunk old man in the garage.
But Rick IS changing. In seasons 1-4, Rick would have taken the fact that they believed that he was always Pissmaster as an opportunity to gloat and manipulate everyone. Here, he just looks at them sadly. He tries to talk Jerry out of doing something that he knows will end badly. He desperately tells Morty the truth because he's sick of lying. And the entire premise of the episode is based on Rick willingly going to therapy.
Seasons five and six have countless moments that show that Rick's trying to grow up, show affection, be a father figure, admit to his fuckups and treat Morty gently. Even in season four, he was starting to cut the bullshit a little.
And it must be hard on him. Everything was easier when he was a monster. Beth loved him, Jerry was out of the way and he did whatever he wanted with no guilt, fear or regret while suppressing his trauma and shame. Wouldn't it be easier to be the heartless patriarch who can manipulate his family into doing anything? Go on adventures? Cook and clean for him? Stop talking to Jerry? Show him affection? Actually want to be around him? Make him feel human again?
There's no going back even if he tried--they know him too well now. And he shouldn't go back because he was a monster destroying his entire family. But he needs the Smiths' affection and encouragement if he's going to get anywhere because he's not going to get it from himself.
#rick and morty#rick sanchez#analyze piss#beth smith#jerry smith#review#rick and morty season 6#rick and morty season six
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cw: vent as long as should be expected from reddit refugee, r*ssian psychiatry being as dehumanizing as every other things in this country, english at the level of a non-native who got lost in reality while writing at least twice;
massive tw: forced hospitalization, suicidal troughs mention, abusive therapist and cruelty i suppose?
i don't even want to start it with "NPD culture is" cause i honestly (desperately) want that no one here will relate with my experience. i also will completely understand if this rant will not be posted, it's long, terrible, it's about may be specific to my doomed country's doomed medical care only. even i myself wish to having no idea about it. i not even goin to be anon here since i have a little fate in this end up posted.
well, NPD culture is dissociating each time anyone share they ideas about how often they supposed (they always supposed that is "never") pwNPD are searching for a therapy. i was the one who did search indeed and found out unpleasant fact that not only i won't get any help, but the one who should help me eventually will try to utterly destroy me. it's was what happened last time, i believe now i could have PTSD and here's the story.
after some dramatic events my npd symptoms slowly started getting much worse. i won’t describe everything, it’s enough to mention that during the year since the dramatic events™, i almost completely isolated myself from society and almost stopped doing anything for my studies, trying to avoid negativity from people around me. i tried seeing a counselor in college to address at least this issue, i can't remember anything about her other than she blamed me for my "parenting stance" and kept telling me i didn't want to work on myself and just wanted to blame everyone but myself for my condition. i tried to visit another psychologist. and another. while i was spending my last money trying to find a specialist who would at least hear me, it was getting worse, maybe because of the my belief that everyone would always be against me. when idea about getting lost in a river nearby my house became more common through than "go brush your teeth" i went to a town psychoneurological dispensary... i should have go to work spending the rest of my vitality to pay for another attempt at private psychotherapy.
just going to the dispensary was humiliating, and by that time I had already lost the idea that it was shameful to seek help. i had to describe troubling symptoms to the psychiatrist on duty... standing in a room full of strangers, only some of whom were medical staff, and the psychiatrist himself looked at me like i was a maggot. and I had to go through this procedure twice, because the first time, “I’m constantly thinking about throwing myself into the river,” apparently they didn’t hear. when i finally got to the dispensary, all those tests that were done to assess my sanity.... the wording of the questions was humiliating to say the least, and even with my belief that i was the most honest person in the world, i admit that lied on that tests. again, no one listened to me, patients in general were given as little attention as possible. when one of the conversations with the therapist she touched on a topic that was painful for me and i couldn't hold back my tears, i was threatened that if I didn't pull myself together i would be sent to a hospital. which exactly what happened.
this was supposed to be the longest part of the story, but it's physically hard for me to describe what happened, so I'm just listing it. i was not allowed to contact my family, to take any things, at least clothes from home, they just put me in an ambulance and took me to this prison. they took my phone and I didn't see any of my stuff until I was discharged. when they brought me in, they injected me with something and did it for the three days i was in the isolation ward where they put all the newcomers. later on, they transferred me to a general ward and again every day they gave me a hell of a lot of medicine. I don't know what they were. i know how it sounds but alas this is how russian psychiatric hospitals work and this horror can be confirmed in the stories of other... survivors? we were not allowed outside (because of covid they say), there were no family visitation days, the only thing we did was to walk along the corridor along the wards. no privacy, no emotions allowed, YOU a nothing.
i spent a month there. for crying. i could have gone longer, but I was able to convince the superintendent at the weekly meeting that i could be returned to the care of the dispensary. when I left, i was told that my good behavior would get me bipolar instead of schizoaffective disorder so they "wouldn't ruin my life." what does schizoaffective disorder have to do with anything? ut's what in this country they like to diagnose when they don't know what to diagnose. doesn't really matter if you fit criteria. i didn't fit any of them, so thanks for... not ruining my life i guess.
it took me two years to recover from all this. i think i'm mostly fine as long as no one mentions how bad narcissists are for not going to therapy. like even though I know I need therapy, i can't bring myself to do it. i know there must be normal therapists, but I feel too deep a dislike and distrust of people in this profession. you know... it could cost me life?
.
#thats horrible nonny im so sorry that all happened to you :(#npd culture is#npd#actually narcissistic#actually npd#narcissistic personality disorder#cluster b#psychiatric abuse#abuse tw#suicide tw#ask to tag
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Dang I had a completely different experience with the last two episodes of NGE. I liked how instead of trotting out a bunch of stuff to explain things, it zeroed in on what I saw as the core of the show, which is the emotional disconnect and desire for connection the characters hold and how this has all torn them apart. I much prefer that we got a finale focused on Shinji trying to reconcile his self hatred and fear of connection and his desperate desire for acceptance and love, all of which was made more confusing and intense by his age and circumstances. Resolving that was way more important to me than explaining a bunch of hard details
I totally get what you're saying, and I will concede that EoTV 25 and 26 were more effective at getting to the bottom of Shinji's problems. EoE 25' and 26' tried to go the other direction with the story, except Shinji's still got the same problem to resolve whether it gets addressed or not. I guess that cat photo must have done the trick.
"Well, Shinji, I think the most therapeutic thing you could be doing is putting more cat food in my bowl."
The problem is that the show may be centered around Shinji, but it isn't just about Shinji. It's about his father, it's about the other Eva pilots, it's about Misato and the ultimate fate of humanity.
Like, Asuka wandered off and turned up lying naked in a bathtub in Episode 24. She's in really bad shape, and EoTV just skips right past that to deal with Shinji's damage. Really? Because I think Asuka was in a much worse place than he was at that point. At least Shinji was still walking and talking. I get that he's the main character, but you can't introduce a supporting character like Asuka and put her in that position and then drop it like it never mattered.
The thing I can't get past is that this franchise had two separate chances to put a bow on the story and it whiffed it both times. The first time was supposedly due to limited time and budget cuts, and the second time was apparently because someone broke into the studio and replace a lot of footage with film of people in a movie theater.
"We're a plot point, apparently!"
And it's treated like this is some sort of zero-sum game, like NGE could either focus on Shinji's mental health issues or wrap up the plot threads from the series, but not both at once. The thing is, most storytellers know how to pull off this kind of trick. Most of the time, the events of the story are the therapy that the character needs. Locking Shinji inside his own head seems pointless. If that's what he needed then the show could have just been about him alone in his room, processing his issues by his lonesome.
What boggles my mind is that from the very beginning of the story, it's made clear that this is all about Shinji having it out with his absent father, and yet neither of the two endings bothers to include a scene of Shinji having it out with his father. There's your low-budget, satisfying finale to the TV series right there. Two episodes of Shinji just sitting in a room with his dad. He needs Shinji to pilot the Eva one last time to execute his Third Impact Plan, but Shinji won't cooperate, and he has no choice but to talk it out with him.
It'd just be two characters sitting in a room together talking it out, maybe with some flashback clips to keep the visuals interesting. And while they hash out their issues, they can provide exposition on Asuka's condition, and what Rei was supposed to be, and so on. Again, this is a way to focus on the core conflict of the show, while still addressing plotlines involving the supporting characters. And when it's over, Shinji leaves the room, feeling a lot better about himself than he did before. He's still got some things to sort out, but at least he's settled things with his dad, which was what he came to Tokyo-3 to do.
Or, just put in this photo of a soup can on a public bench, I guess.
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blorbo Haruka, Muu, Mahiru, Naomi, Asahi and Reina! :D
thank you for sending them aurora <3
(putting them under the cut bc lots of text)
"haruka is so cute!!" "haruka is so silly!!" NO!!! NO PEOPLE ARE WRONG ABOUT HIM!!! i could talk for hours about how people infantilize milgram men but i don't want to get eaten alive. i like haruka in a way that's different from how most people like him bc i actually WANT HIM TO GET WORSE. i want him to GO INSANE. go CRAZY even. he's been portrayed (by the fandom) as a cute little baby for too long and i say that as someone who (just like 99.9% of the fandom) finds him relatable that is wrong and also. so so messed up considering that the guy is obviously not the most mentally stable prisoner. like hey guys.. why are we going "I NEED TO ADOPT HIM" at a guy who sees a 16 y/o girl as his mother.. just a thought.. anyway can't wait for his t3 mv <3 im not really a huge fan of his songs bc they sound too similar to me and they're just kinda. meh like i prefer his covers but i really hope his guilty verdict song will be something different.
muu actually was one of my least faves when i first got into milgram for personal reasons, but as i got to learn more about her. okay this is me actually (except i've never bullied anyone and i tend to blame myself for literally everything that happens in the world). again i love her in a way similar to haruka, like i don't want her to get better, i hope she gets worse actually. WANTING TO SEE YOUR FAVES HAPPY IS OVERRATED I NEED TO SEE HER BITE EVERYONE I NEED TO SEE HER COVERED IN BLOOD I NEED TO SEE HER BURN THE PRISON DOWN OR SOMETHING!!!
MAPPI!!!!! ONE OF THE FEW MILGRAM PRISONERS THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO GET BETTER!!! yes she is so so cute and so so squishy but i also really do think that she's such a deep and well-written character, like her having a very sheltered background, her not really knowing how real relationships work and focusing more on the ones from literature, movies and other media, giving so much love to her bf that she literally ended up killing him, but it still doesn't seem like she wants to change her ways.. OH MAHIRU SHIINA!!!! i wish people could talk more about those parts of her character rather than her simply being cute.. but anyway yeah she's inno to me <3 (even though one specific theory really scares me and i don't think it will be confirmed and i hope it doesn't bc if it does that will mean that mahiru literally did something that i've personally had to deal with and what i am so so scared of BUT STILL. SHE'S INNO TO ME!!!)
oh asahi yano.. the most evil 12 year old ever.. /j it's actually amane according to the fandom (her innocent vote should've been higher.) also oh god he's going to be 13 this year i'm going to cry. asahi is honestly one of my fav characters to write! he's really fun bc i can literally just make him say whatever and it won't be ooc. like yes he absolutely can say the most offensive stuff without thinking (or with a lot of thinking) but he also can be so sweet and not even realize it!! like he actually loves miki so so much and his relationship with kei in t3 will be really cute i think.. i wonder if it really is possible for him to have a future that's happy and bright.. or any future really..
naomi chiba you are so so weird and so so dangerous and so so evil but i love you so much. there is literally no hope for her. no one can fix her. it's like. if shun's problem is that he just really needs someone to love him in a healthy way and help him slowly recover or at least learn to cope with his mental issues, then how do we solve naomi's problem? just make all children disappear or what? MAYBE she would get better with REALLY intense therapy and learning to heal her inner child, but i just. can't see her agreeing to smth like that. at least maybe she'll go down in a cool and also terrifying way.. i love her as a character but i think she's terrible as a person and that she will only continue to get worse no matter what the guards choose.
reina.. my silliest daughter.. my saddest clown.. i love reina, maybe i don't find her as fun as some of my other characters (though i honestly don't have any faves), but her character also feels very refreshing bc it's like. FINALLY someone who is somewhat sane. it also feels nice to write a character who actually tries to understand what's going on and tries to rebel even though i really like how one of the main themes of linagram is how all these people COULD try to solve the secrets of milgram but.. they just won't. they just accepted it. like that's so scary to me. but oh well.. im afraid reina won't get rewarded for her efforts anytime soon. honestly she'll most likely get punished for it.
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hi, i need to get something of my chest. i am pretty certain that you don't have any solution for it but... i have no one in my real life to talk about this.
tw for suicide and emotional abuse
my mom and i have a typical reversed role relationship. to an extreme. i am cooking for her, doing all chores, her laundry etc. since i was 10. but she once kicked me out when i refused and i was homeless for 5 months until she took me back in so, i won't stop parenting her.
when i was 10 my grandma had to go to a nursing home. we sold her house and then were able to pay a nice private one for her. my mom and i were, and are, pretty poor. and one day on the way back my mom told me something, i don't remember every word, like 'when i am old i don't want to bother anyone. I'll just kill myself *insert here very detailed description of her plans*' and, i don't remember if it were her words or her look but i got the strong vibe of 'unless you take care of me' which would fit our relationship. we had this conversation again, one or two times, after that. i was pretty confused and after some years i decided that i didn't care, that id just let her do as she pleases. i mean, ive waited my whole life to, soon, move out from her, i won't waste more years parenting her. that's the theory, you can probably imagine how far from reality this is. id never let that happen. so the plans b were 'once i move out ill go to therapy until i am comfortable letting her do as she pleases, even if it's killing herself' or 'move far far far away, maybe abroad, so that i can't take care of her'. shitty plans but my mom is in her 50s so i thought, enough time to figure this out.
during the last months she was having a lot of issues with her joints and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that causes rheumatism. she is running from doc to doc, eating an unhealthy amount of painkillers to at least be able to lay in bed, fairly painless. it is heartbreaking to see. she had to skip a lot of days from work because she was unable to move. she started walking very slowly, even on good days. my grandma walks faster. and that isn't acted, because she also does it outside and the imagine to be a 'strong woman' was always incredible important to her. and that made me think about her threat years ago.
fact is: my mom has moodswings and memory issues so it is perfectly possible that she wouldn't repeat that threat nowadays and maybe doesn't even remember doing it back then. but i remember and i don't know what to do. besides all my caring, i care for a lazy adult, not a sick elderly person. since i am currently looking for my first own appartment, i sometimes fear, she'll ask me to stay, to take care of her and the household. because of her rheumatism she can't do many things in the household. not that she tried much but i see that she'd have a hard time living alone. she would probably need someone but she wouldn't accept any help but me so... i am afraid ill have to face a choice soon. if i stay or move out. or even if i move out, i plan on staying in the city for my job, so how much will i care for her, even considering her threat etc.
that's it.
Hi anon,
Your mom sounds quite toxic, forcing you to do virtually all of her responsibilites as a mother and seemingly guilt-tripping you with graphic details of her hypothetically killing herself if you didn't do all these things for her.
Even if your mom wouldn't do the same things or may not remember what she did anymore, it doesn't take away from the fact that she still did those things and she still hurt you. Any illness or disability she may have doesn't absolve her of accountability for her actions, and she shouldn't use it as a crutch to avoid accountability either.
It's fairly possible that she may have a hard time living alone, but that's not necessarily your problem. You don't deserve to put up with your mom's behavior. You may also find a new sense of autonomy and freedom in living alone.
That being said, it's not an easy decision to make as it is of course your own mother, but it's definitely worth thinking about what choice you'd like to make. It might help to think about these questions: What would your life look like if you decided to stay with your mom vs what would your life look like if you decided to leave?
I hope I could help. Best of luck with everything. Please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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I'm depressed again, and I'm starting to miss work. This is the third or fourth year in a row (can't quite remember because my memory is foggy) where I got so exhausted and burned out that I started missing work and had to consider taking extended medical leave and/or quitting the job.
Why am I depressed? Because I basically work 2 jobs. In the morning, I take care of my pets and some aspects of the house. From 8-5, I am taking or making phone calls (an activity that produces anxiety and irritation for me as it is disruptive to other tasks), checking in and registering patients, taking odd requests from therapists and psychiatrists, and sometimes just sitting around doing nothing while I think about all the work there is to be done at home. When I get home, I typically have to make time to cook and eat, and then I have to decide what to do with the rest of that time: chores (more petcare, cleaning, and projects), do something recreational, or rest. When I have energy, I'm happy to do the chores or something recreational. When I run low on energy, I let all of that go and focus on resting instead. At this point, my normal life turns into a death spiral, and I become increasingly more tired until I go out on medical leave.
I have very limited assistance. My friends are few and are busy with their own situations. My family members are the same, and my mom literally and physically can't do most of the things I need help with. So, I basically feel like I'm chugging along overencumbered for months, knowing that relief will never come, until I finally break down.
I told my mom I was about ready to quit the job, for real this time.
So, I reached out to my therapist and my psychiatrist last week to see if I could find some way to take a break. I don't have the pto accrued for the kind of vacation I need; I need to go out on disability for at least a month to recover. My therapist is MIA and nobody knows when she will return (#relatable). All my psychiatrist can do is change my medication regiment, so she suggested I try Seroquel again. I said sure, why not. I've been sleeping like shit and having my usual stress dreams again, maybe it will help. Since Kaiser BHS couldn't find my therapist, they referred me out to another provider.
Now, I want to talk about something that has been bothering me. The appointment I had last Wednesday wasn't just unhelpful, it might have actually made things (temporarily) worse. I don't even know the name of the place because the rep didn't tell me. She was screening me for a PTSD program that sounded good initially, because we were actually going to talk about my issues instead of just giving blanket advice to a bunch of people in a group setting; problem was, it was still going to be only one hour sessions each week, which is not and has never been enough time for an effective therapy session for me, specifically. Maybe that works for other people, but for me, it is insufficient.
"So, there still won't be enough time to do anything," I said to the LMFT screening me. Her response was to give me a spiel about how the company's practices were "evidence-based" and used "internationally". At that moment, I suddenly became angry with her, but I didn't immediately understand why, so I said nothing.
Even after the call, I had to process what she said and why it upset me. Technically, what she said was probably true, but what did that mean to me? It took me 2 days to realize why I was angry. I had expressed my needs to somebody who immediately invalidated me by deflecting my words. She had a script prepared for it.
And worse, while her script was technically factually correct, it was also meaningless to me as an individual because:
-> "Evidence-based" does NOT mean "one size fits all".
-> It does NOT mean that the treatment in question is 100% effective, or even 30% or less effective, just that it seems to work on enough occasions that somebody decided it was worth trying.
-> Evidence is NOT equivalent to proof, and all evidence is not created equally. Some evidence is more or less compelling depending on its source and how the data it is based on was gathered.
-> Many of our current studies into mental health treatments are still in their infancy and have glaring blind spots because they don't account for how our physical barriers to wellness affect our mental health, meaning the evidence is based on fundamentally incomplete data.
What ultimately helped me to arrive at this realization was this article from Sciencealert. The tl;dr of this article is that meditation is not a simple and harmless solution to mental health conditions. My interpretation of this new information was that, for people who have material problems that contribute to their declining mental state (such as food/housing insecurity, exposure to violence, environmental destruction, and disabilities or chronic conditions that our society and government fail to meaningfully address), meditation just becomes rumination. Mindfulness and living in the moment become suffering. There are other ways meditation can be harmful to the mentally ill that are outlined in the article, but they aren't really relevant to my rant, so it's worth giving it a read yourself.
For somebody who is currently living through a crisis, these "treatments" like CBT and DBT might help with small elements of pur problems, but against material barriers, they amount to little more than positive thinking. Speaking for myself, none of these things ever work for me because the answer to my suffering is not to sit in and tolerate it indefinitely or try to gaslight myself into thinking it is somehow making me "strong", "brave", or "resilient". The solution is to remove myself from it and arrive at a better place where I am able to move past my material barriers.
I know that this has a lot to do with the fact that our entire society from top to bottom has basically passed the buck for fixing our humanitarian crisis onto psychiatrists and therapists by just labeling it a mental health crisis, and mental healthcare workers are powerless to remove the material barriers I am talking about.
But you know what would have made me feel better in that conversation?
Not a rote speech that amounts to nothing but dismissal and empty words.
Just an honest acknowledgment that the program I was being screened for might not be appropriate for me if my needs exceeded the services it offered.
Just an admission that her employer might not provide the services I was specifically seeking, but maybe a different service would be closer to it.
We got there eventually, and she ended up screening me for an intensive DBT program, which also won't help me since it doesn't address any of the reasons I am ill, but it might help me to get some time off work to rest and recover and get back out there.
We could have avoided the anger and nagging pain I felt trying to pick apart what she was really saying to me, whether she meant it that way or not.
I am not holding a grudge; in fact, I'mgiving her grace because she was probably just exhausted and didn't have the energy to deal with me posing a challenge to the program. I know better than most how cautious we have to be when speaking of our employers on the phone. My employer serves a lot of its own critics. I know how hard it is to spend all day navigating hard conversations with people. So, I'm not posting this to shame her.
I guess this is just an open suggestion to mental health professionals who want to avoid hard conversations with clients like me who are already disillusioned by this system. Don't quote the stats. Don't bother pointing to the data. We're becoming increasingly aware of how unreliable it is. Just acknowledge that our needs might exceed what you are able to offer and then offer the closest thing you have available. Even though I'm still not getting the help I need, it feels better to be acknowledged than to be dismissed. It feels better to receive honesty than deception. It feels better to have subpar options than no options at all.
And hey, I think some mental healthcare providers might really not know how shady and poor a lot of the studies that their treatments are based on really are. There is a huge dearth of really quality research on the subject, and that's strongly related to capitalism and the fact that insurance companies have a disproportionate amount of influence on what research gets funded. It largely boils down to the fact that real, effective, and quality care is expensive. They don't want to pay for it, so they're not going to fund studies that imply they ought to.
Some insurance companies do provide some types of assistance for material barriers, though! Contra Costa Health Plan, which my sister works for, helps people find housing. Unfortunately, it doesn't help them keep it. Still, it can't hurt to ask what your providers and insurance actually provide. You are paying them.
Rant over. I just needed to get that off my chest.
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My problem with Sophie is not the whole “anti endos are a hate group” thing. For me it’s the block evading, spreading rumors and straight up lies about other systems, and most atrocious of all was when she compared therians/alterhumans and the people who love them to literal zoophiles. She does more to harm and divide the plural community than she does to bring us together.
So I never said I support her 100 percent. I said I follow her and I won't be unfollowing her. The hate group thing is probably the least worse thing people have said about her so I knew this ask might be coming.
Maybe people are different but following someone means I want to read what they post. It doesn't mean I stan them. I do think what she says sometimes needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I don't agree with her position on radqueers, which is what I'm assuming this comparison between zoophiles and alterhumans is from. Im not radqueer and I don't support radqueers. I do however support the idea that harmful paraphilias are a mental illness that can and should be helped in therapy. I don't think paraphilias are a free pass to hate and dehumanize someone. I also don't think people with harmful paraphilias deserve a right to act on them.
I think a lot of people twist her words and then play telephone which makes me lean towards hearing her out at the very least. I don't like to take people at their word about others, I like to make my opinion based on what I see and not what is said about what I'm seeing. I'm open to seeing a screen grab of that comparison she made because I don't know if I remember the post clearly and if it's deeper than that I'd like to know. In my memory I think she was saying we're all equally shunned for the things we feel and I could be wrong. So remind me if you can.
I also admit maybe I have some grace for her because I think she's an angry former imaginary friend. I am also an angry former imaginary friend and I think a lot of her more spicy posts are colored by that position. It's a unique kind of trauma and I don't know if people in the system/plural community get it. It hits you a certain way when you spent a long time proving to the host that you're real and then get called not real on the regular in syscourse. I don't think people really get it. I don't agree with how she goes about saying a lot of stuff, but the meat or intent of what she's saying I tend to agree with enough to look past what I don't.
I think there was a point where her gloves came off and now she's fighting fire with fire. I don't agree with that approach either but it doesn't make the resources she posts less resourceful
Block evading is also not something I can agree with, but again I guess I don't think it's worth throwing her opinions out the window completely for. Especially when she seems to do this explicitly after she's been targeted.
I also think in the end the resources she's posted are worth being on the internet and I think calling her a complete menace to the community is very black and white when this really is an issue that's shades of gray. I don't think she's totally great, nor totally bad. I have good reading comp and I can disagree with 25-50 percent of what she says without hopping on the hate train block campaign.
I'll also say that I don't like the word tulpa. I prefer thoughtform because it's not a mistranslation based on a white observation of Buddhist practice. Thoughtforms and entitywork better describe the phenomenon of tulpas and tulpamancy. But that's just my opinion.
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‘And if it was an issue why didn’t you tell me when you got mad about everything else why’d you go on pretending like it was fine..why’d you act like you cared.’
I held the Danny incident separate from everything else. I had to because I know why you were doing it. And while it was maybe the stupidest thing you've ever tried to pull, I knew you were desperate to connect again. I didn't bring it up because you would have argued to the death about its validity precisely because of the nature of its seriousness to me. There was no point in calling you out when it would have just been a fight, been you hanging on to the lie. And our friendship being ruined. So yes. I controlled that narrative quickly, I helped you see that it would be a horrible idea for you to continue it and I released you from it by ‘releasing’ him. Giving you an excuse to never have to do it again. I played along and directed the ending of it to make sure you saw it was a bad idea. Which you did. When you said you couldn't be the one to do it, that's exactly the reaction I worked to get. And when I told him to go rest and leave you alone, that was releasing you from the lie entirely. Do you really think if I had a direct line to Danny that I would give that up for anything? I would sell my soul for that. But it has to be real. No amount of desire will make it truth if it's not.
There's So much to say in defense of the slew of bullshit you unleashed yesterday. But there's no point in fighting. I lost my fight a while ago. I honestly thought that if I was complacent enough, everything would stop. The constant criticism against everything I do. The frustration I would spit at you when it got to be too much and that rebellious part of me that would need to feel understood, i was hoping it would go away. There was a time I was desperate to understand you. And I wanted you to understand me. But I haven't felt that need for a long time. I was hoping that with my new therapy schedule and new focus Dr. G and I were taking, that I would be able to gain new perspectives that would help us. The Danny thing really just killed anything I had left. I sat with it, to make sure. I didn't make a rash decision right then. I needed to make sure it was unforgivable. So when you started in on me, once again, for something completely…innocent. For something as simple as trying to build you up when you felt terrible, the realization hit me that I didn't care if you left and never talked to me again. I also realized it would mean going back on my word. So I needed to make sure this was the moment. I told myself ‘If she makes an effort to understand that I wasn't being mean to her or belittling Her, maybe I could hang on to my promise longer.’
Then you said ‘It was important to me and I had to wait’. Like I hadn't been waiting for months for things to get better and change. Whenever I realized something about myself, I would tell you. Whenever I had a plan to be better, I would tell you. I committed to focused therapy for the things you didn't like about me when I realized the source of why I was doing things you didn't like. But you had to wait a day. Because I had to sleep. Like sleep was…some slight against you.
I broke my word. Yes. And maybe I'll never be able to reconcile that with the gods because they loathe an oathbreaker above all else. But you broke yours too. You broke many before I broke mine. So at least we are damned together. We are both cowards. We are both monsters. At least I can look at myself in the mirror and admit it.
I don't think your faults make you bad. I think you have a great capacity for greatness, even now. But you need to stop excusing bad behavior with your list of disorders. I was always expected by you to rise above my disorders. Go to therapy for them. Fix them. Be better. I was expected to accept yours. Understand them. Work around them. Mold myself around them so you could be unaccountable. If you go into every relationship like that, you won't get much farther than with me. We will both be alone in the end. I just implore you to reflect on that. Because you have worlds to offer someone. I experienced it once. And I'm not being kind here, I'm being honest.
I don't hate you. I know you hate me. And I knew that would be the outcome of saving myself. And if it helps, I'm happy to be that for you. A thing to direct it all to. But I am not your enemy. I'm not talking to anyone about you. About this. It's nobody's business. You're just a girl who is going to disappear. And that's my own thing to reflect on.
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7/10/24
2:15 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly
I slept, but heavy sedation was required. I took a little more than a 1MG cause tbh quitting time can't be 3 a.m or 2 a.m.
This new schedule is fucking great, yea I can't stay up late but I'm getting shit done. I can make 10 a.m appointments. I can be in the house with dinner in my belly after running fucking errands and making phone calls by 1 p.m. It's dysfunctional in one way, eating dinner at 1 p.m and going to bed at 9 p.m but I mean the dinner part is only related to when I take my pills and my caloric deficiency in order to keep a healthy weight.
The 9 p.m thing isn't that dysfunctional. I mean, tbh I want to wake up at 6 a.m... but that's not in the cards right now if I want to go to bed at a semi regular time aka 9 p.m. I close my eyes around 10:30 every night. 9 p.m is when I start my routine. So it's not really dysfunctional.
I had to stop taking the statin drug bc it's causing muscle spasms. So I stopped that today. I'm just going to take coq10 and see if it's good enough. I have a chlorestoral test coming up soon and I've been on coq10 since like March.
I'm pissed about last night. Quitting time really has to be around 1 a.m. I'm not going backwards. Circadian rhythm issues will never be a fucking problem for me again. I'm making milestones in terms of getting shit done waking up at 8 a.m. I feel more functional and less isolated despite being just as isolated bc I'm awake at the same time as the rest of the world instead of sleeping all day long.
I'm worried about the spasms but they should stop within 3 months. He offered other things like injections, I got to consider side effects and I just want to consider that maybe coq10 can work. Research suggests it can... it isn't causing side effects... so instead of throwing another drug into the mix I'd rather wait. My leg has had several muscle spasms today... but it should stop now that I've stopped the drug as of today.
My heart monitor left a mark after it came off in the shower. It's since gone away so I'm going to reattach it... it won't be a continuous feed unfortunately but it'll still pick up a decent amount of data for the next month if I can wear it at least 10 hours a day. Unless I get rashy...
I'm going to meet the new therapist today but I dont really want to. I just want to cancel. In 1-30 days I'll get the, "it's not a good fit" speil and then I'll feel like I did yesterday, traumatized.
Maybe I shouldn't be open anymore. I really wear my heart on my sleeve and it bites me in the ass when the new therapist gives up on me... problem with this is- if I am more withholding, then once I start to open up in 2 months let's say-they may leave me then instead of 2 weeks in.
I'm truly giving up on therapy. I technically have a therapist I can start with in August but she will leave me too. Who knows if I'll even be alive in August anyways.
If sleep problems persist. I'm commiting suicide hands down. I'm not going to meet the therapist in August. The one I'm meeting with today is the last chance before it becomes just Mike once a week reporting that I still have ocd and psychosis.
It'll just be a checklist kind of thing. Make sure I stay on disability since I can't work bc I'm mentally ill. And I can save myself from the trauma of being seen as a lost cause....
I'm going to look at this new therapist as a bot collecting a paycheck. So when she leaves me hopefully I won't have much of a trauma response. I'm a paycheck. She's a bot performing a task. She will leave me and then I'll just stay with mike.
Tbh having therapy 3 days a week is really important for my mental health but at the same time it fills my schedule making it hard to plan something like grocery shopping or do this task that requires driving out of town...
So it'll free up my schedule and save me from more trauma. She's a bot collecting her paycheck. She doesn't have a name. She's not a human.
I'm not human to these people I'm a paycheck. So she's an automated bot performing a task. You can't hurt me as badly if I strip you of your humanity.
I should have known when Sarah the automated bot was talking about Prime House and Western as resources that she was actually setting the stage to send the, "it's not a good fit," spiel.
It's whatever though. They aren't people, they are just automated bots performing a task for a paycheck. And you can't hurt me if I look at you that way. New therapist is named automated bot. She has no name. She has no identity. She's performing a task. She's unable to traumatize me when she leaves me if I don't see her as human.
99.99% of therapists are bots performing a task for a paycheck that couldn't care If you live or die and I'm done with providing money to these bots when they don't care and I'm done letting them hurt me.
What's important is keeping my disability status and remembering that 99.99% of people are SHIT and that's why I should avoid them at all costs. Everyone leaves. Everyone. EVERYONE. And 99.99% of people don't deserve to know me and I'm going to hide away from the world bc it keeps me safe. You can't leave me if I don't meet you.
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17x01-Gold Star
Criminal Minds is back this year with season 17. Here are my thoughts for the first episode
*caution spoilers below*
update: I apologize for the delay on the live posts, I had a lot going on both personally and mentally. better late than never
idk why but when I think Garcia's birthday party I'd expect it to be a little more extravagant, more decorations, colorful pastries on the countertop and more people
seeing the team bond over a vulgar game is nice, I still hate how Emily is missing out as she's too hung up on Gold Star and Bailey's death. Otherwise she would've had a blast playing this game
ugh, Garcia still yearning for Tyler, move on from him and grow a fucking spine
JJ finally swearing and saying "bullshit" let her say "fuck" or a variation of it next
JJ calling Tara "hot"
Will being at work
The ladies being worried for Emily
Stupid Emily burying herself with work instead of celebrating Garcia's birthday party
I keep calling her stupid just for not showing up at the party
Emily and Tara about to talk
Tara and Emily talking about Gold Star being a person and smoking together
Callback to Lauren
They conclude that gold star might be government trained
Emily not finding any leads
Tara convincing Emily to let the team help her
Stupid Emily missing Garcia's birthday
Garcia looking cute in her robe and waking up late to help Emily
Shit, a case being flagged and requested for a federal file being approved by Rebecca
Garcia asking the right question regarding why the director didn't ask them for help and Rossi knowing that the director want the team to know at all, cause of the deal
Yes Garcia, he could be hiding something hence the deal
Sicarius charges are off the table
Rossi being pissed that he threw his mug
The team being worried cause of his ptsd and Rossi almost dying
Also him throwing a mug is a mood and a meme
Emily saying how AG and director believe that gold star is a national security issue
Rossi swearing again
Oh no, Rebecca is outside
Tara confronting Rebecca
Tara asking the right questions
Not rebecca trusting Elias more than Tara because he didn't "lie" to her. At least Tara isn't a manipulator like Elias
Boundary issues?
You can't be friends
Rossi hallucinating Elias again
Emily talking to Rossi
"Mandated trauma therapy"
Eyes are missing
Gold Star having no remorse and regret unlike Elias
Ugh, Rebecca seeing Elias again
Elias delaying and delaying
Not Elias manipulating Rebecca
Killings from Gold Star are about vengeance
Rebecca telling Tara about how Gold Star has a list of targets and that he has one more before going underground. I wonder what kind of ideas we'll have for this part
Rebecca, you can't be nice to Tara and then rude. Make up your mind
Rebecca talking to Tara and saying she hates what she's doing and a part of her wants to help them catch Gold Star
Maybe a part of Rebecca still cares for Tara
Rebecca also has boundary issues
JJ saying how Gold Star wanted Don to confess something and is ashamed to say it in front of his wife either cause it's a secret life or sin from the past
Tyler interrupting JJ, she did not deserve that
Garcia telling Tyler he does not barging privileges
And calling him out got interrupting JJ
Tara interrupting Tyler when he was about to talk about a mission he did and her sharing what Rebecca told her and that tgold star has one more victim before going underground
I wonder what's Rossi's plan?
The rest of the team being upset
Tara saying that they don't have other leads
Sanchez's badge is missing
Emily swearing cause she's pissed that the team has to work with Elias to stop gold star
Rossi saying how this plan could help get Elias to accidentally incriminate himself
Luke has doubts as it might not be enough for the director
Elias hallucination in the background
Rossi trying to get Elias' weakness
Tricking Elias into revealing himself as Sicarius to everyone else, the public, the world. Sadly, Elias won't make this easy
I honestly thought hallucination!Elias was gonna say something after Rossi says Elias Voit is not getting out of prison
Rossi telling Tyler that he does not have a first crack into this case
Is that Rebecca?
JJ talking to Elias first?
Can't believe JJ gets to go first
#criminal minds#cm evolution#criminal minds evolution#criminal minds spoilers#criminal minds season 17#cme spoilers#cm 17x01#cme 2x01
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2/28/2024
12:55 a.m
I met with the psychiatrist and she completely wasted my time. She was pushing antipsychotics and anticholinergics as well as antidepressants. I told her I wasn't depressed. I told her that my hallucination was getting better by the month/week. Even if the progress is minimal. Its still a huge difference from the beginning and even December. I feel like since I've been on methimazole it's better slowly getting better.
Idk if methimazole will fix it but I explained to her that it has for one patient. She didn't seem to care she just kept saying you're not willing to take what I'm willing to percribe. Then she asked me if I wanted her to send in a Xanax script. I declined cause that'll mess up my entire script with prohealth and then they won't perscibe me it.
I was and am fucking pissed bc I wasted one of my 3 appts this week talking to her to have her open up old wounds and not listen to a word I was saying... she didn't care that psychosis actually does stop one day and that I said I can manage my symptoms and they are improving.
She even went to ask me what my birth gender was 3 times. It could have been shock as I pass extremely well but she asked me my deadname which is Tran 101 never do it... so yea it went horribly...
Now I called 2 other psychiatrist and left messages telling them politely but firmly I'm not taking antipsychotics, anticholinergics or antidepressants and if they won't replace Xanax with a comparable benzodiazepine to not bother calling me back. I explained that I saw a psychiatrist and that's why I didn't hit them back up, but she wasted my time and if they are going to do the same thing I'd rather just attend my talk therapy sessions and stay with my PCP.
I doubt they'll call back but I got to be firm bc it was a waste of my time and I lost a session with Erin this week bc of it. Beyond that I didn't get what I wanted and my tongue is never going to get better. I can't get prohealth to give me something comparable to Xanax 1 mg... but at least they are reliable and I get it when I need it and she will percribe it to me forever so long as I don't ask for more or a higher dose which I won't cause I don't need it. Unfortunately my black hairy tongue will never heal.
Hopefully one of the places I called will treat me for insomnia the primary and only reason I am seeking a psychiatrist... I might hit up a sleep specialist. So long as I don't accept a prescription, I won't lost prohealths prescription..
I am worried that if one of them do call they'll give me one of the better insomnia benzos and then try to force me on antipsychotics and anticholinergics or try to switch it for trazadone. Maybe my tongue doesn't matter. I mean it does but sleeping is pivotal for my recovery. It won't actually stop me from hallucinating at all but if I don't sleep I can get sleep deprivation psychosis. I could be hallucinating for the next 7 years with 7 hours of sleep a night... that's the thing but sleep is still important. I won't recover bc of it but I won't kill myself if I can sleep every night and I'm continue to fight.
The voice bringing up Kristen last night really fucked with me. This psychiatrist really pissed me off cause I could have gotten something out of Erin. Not meds but someone who wasn't needlessly cruel and useless.
I hope one of them contact me and say yea benzos are used for insomnia so of course we will perscribe you one. If they don't i guess I'm going to lie to a few new psychiatrists and say my symptoms are almost completely resolved. I'm going to say I hear happy birthday 3-5 times a day since methimazole. And since February the frequency dropped down significantly but those 3 days without Xanax I only slept 4 hours on the 48 hour mark.
Unfortunately when you have psychosis every doctor in America would rather treat your hallucination than look at another alignment as something separate. She kept yammering on about treating the primary cause...
I've always had issue sleeping. I took benadryl and used weed for years... once the weed was gone it got awful. So the primary issue is separate from the hallucination. It doesn't fucking help but it also isn't the primary problem. The primary problem is i need a insomnia drug aka a benzodiazepine to help me fall asleep and stay asleep.
So I'll just lie and say I'm recovering very quickly. How can they say take an antipsychotics and anticholinergic if I only hallucinate 5 times a day... some might still push but that's the thing. My next few emails I won't even bring up the word psychosis or hallucination. If they ask questions about depression or suicide I'll say never. I'll write in caps I won't take antidepressants. I fucking can't stand that antidepressants are the fucking bandaid for all psychological issues. I don't even have depression.
My mood is low cause I hallucinate constantly but depressed? I think not. My gaming channel and my motivation to keep it updated and my love for myself. My constant ruthless struggle says otherwise. It's normal to feel less happy when you're being tortured by a hallucination...
Either way I'm either going to lie to these two places or hit up new psychiatrists for a change from Xanax to another one. If that doesn't work Maybe I'll try a slept specialist. If that doesn't work I'll stay with Julia. Maybe a reliable sleep specialist will be better. Psychiatrists are notiously unreliable. They are notoriously trying to get you on as many psych meds as they can.
If I let this stupid bitch do what she wanted she would have gave me Xanax prob once. And Gave me antipsychotics, anticholinergics and antidepressants. That's the fucked part and I would have lost my script to prohealth.
I'm sick of fighting doctors just for the ability sleep. A sleep specialist may be the best route but idk if they will give me a benzo either they are last resort...
The dumb bitch was totally fine trying to get me on sedative hypnotics though, you know the drug that ruins your sleep cycles permanently and makes you hallucinate..and give you night terrors and make you sleep walk!
It's so fucked that doctors would rather endanger you than give you a fucking benzodiazepine for sleep. I'm thankful for Prohealth but I wish she would switch it for temazepam 15 mg but there is nothing i can do. At least they didn't force me to jump up to sedative hypnotics when I refused antidepressants.
Anyways I went to the support group today it was nice talking to people. They said I should lie to get what I needed to put myself first.
The hallucination seems a little less intrusive today. We will see if that continues its hard to describe something with no volume level that is nearly constant.
The issue with lying is I got to keep my story straight for my endo. My pcp. And my psychiatrist or sleep specialist when the times comes...
I can be honest with my therapists at least but I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass I doubt it will though.
Insomnia can be a fucking separate issue from hallucinations.. also I can ask them to not report the frequency at least...
It drives me crazy that doctors treat me differently. Yea i have psychosis but i only have one symptom. Beyond that it really is improving. Not as much as I'm going to lie about but it is drastically improving. At least from the start point.
My focus level matters more and more. I was masterbating and it was oddly silent eveytime I thought about it though it was reactivated which is why when I report Kristen It's pertinent to bring up ocd voices. Im not the only person in the group who thinks about it and makes it happen. It's just part of it..
I've been trying to cope with Kristen cause I was closing my eyes too long last night and when the voice said it it effected me bc of microsleep.... that's the problem...
I can't report her until I can handle the outcome of her potentially losing nothing and my suffering being nothing more than a slap on the hand... I can't do it while I'm hallucinating at this frequency bc it will crush me. I actually have to wait until it's either completely gone or so infrequent that it isn't really a thing but the issue is I'm scared if I do it even when it's infrequent it will like reactivate it.
At least if I stop hallucinating I can handle the outcome bc my hallucination has ended.
I know it's not depression with psychotic features. I know it's not schizophrenia or schizoaffective or schizotypal. I know I don't have bipolar- speaking of this bitch was so fixated on do you experience mood swings it was ridiculous. She wanted to drug the fuck out of me. No I don't have mood swings.. but either way I know it's not borderline either.
It's very obviously psychosis. Yet I cannot handle my mood plumet if Kristen gets a slap on the wrist. While I struggle to sleep, and survive every single day. Depression isn't going to develop but what if Kristen gets away with it and I get depressed about it and it makes it even slightly worse..... that's the problem.
I guess she's going to get paid for a while for being negligent. I could win the case but it's not in my hands.
So I'm just going to start closing my eyes for 5 minutes at a time before max effectiveness and play solitaire until I fight my eyes... I'm going to take a 1 mg tonight at 5 and close my eyes at 7 a.m. I'll try in little intervals before 7...
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TW graphic ED and fatphobia, esp in a medical setting
Siiigh it's like a running joke at this point that I literally can find the worst clinicians in any nhs facility or just have the worst experiences with them but like every now and then I break bc I can't take having a mental breakdown anymore and dip my toe in the MH services and oh boy. Bc I wanted my meds adjusted and psychiatrists LITERALLY DON'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING I ended up talking to a pharmacist and somehow ended up doing a whole ass mental health assessment bc in the three fucking weeks it took them to look at my referral for a specific antidepressants I wanted and call me back, I decided I also wanted therapy and maybe they wouldn't fuck me over this time
Anyways she fights me over the medication I want and asks me about how I'm doing and as always zeroes in on my weight p fucking quickly. She asks about my eating habits rn and no they're p fucking bad rn and I freely admit that. Like it's ED shit 5sure. Also for ED reasons and general sanity, I ask my drs to not fucking read out my weight when they weigh me for my depo appts. I know I'm getting fatter. I'm not blind. Upon hearing me disclose my eating stuff and without thinking, she tells me exactly what weight I am now and exactly how much I've gained over the last few month and stresses how much it is. I tell her I actually ask my drs to not tell me these things bc they set me off really badly.
She asks if I want a referral to the ED dept and I basically get extremely upset and say I don't have faith they're going to be kind about my weight and I've faced a lot of medical mistreatment and abuse and I can't really take it from an ED dept if they're going to be cruel. She asks again if I want a referral bc it's obvious it's a source of a huge amount of issues and distress so might be worth investigating. I reluctantly agree to hear them out, if they're compassionate.
She's also somehow got hold of my MH files from 2016 (so 7 yrs ago) where I was insisting on medication that didn't make me gain weight. It's worth mentioning I got referred bc basically I'm out of medication I can try through normal GPs and I'm antidepressant resistant. Also have disclosed fucking EDs during the phone call and actually talked about that time period during the phone call when I was in a different form of ED so yknow different priorities. She insisted on putting me on meds I tried fucking years ago bc they'd help me lose weight!! Over medication I asked for and actually worked before we start looking at the heavier duty stuff (that a psychiatrist will actually have to get off their ass and see me for). I nearly fucking lost it arguing with her!!
And now it's a week later and I've gotten the letter through.... And it's fucking disgusting. She's absolutely combed through my medical files and just wholescale invented shit?? Saying I have chest pains?? I might have during A&E visits in years past??? Fucking saying I had ptsd??? I mean I almost def do but I've never been dx'ed with it?? And she sure as shit hasn't had the authority to do so?? And it's never been on a single letter before that I have ptsd?? And yeah she fucking won't shut up about how fucking fat I am. Like horrifically fat. Using the clinical name for disgustingly fat. Again, she knows I'll at least hear this and that I have an ED. Like.... What the fuck.
At the end, even my GP who I was speaking to for the first time was like (multiple times).... Are you sure you want this referral to go ahead????
And like....I'm so fucking frustrating bc I got so used to no one taking my EDs seriously bc I'm fat that I'd openly talk about them bc fat ppl can't have EDs then someone called me out on it and it threw me and I appreciated being taken seriously but..... It's in the wrong way and I'm worried the dept will be the same and it'll be trauma on trauma at a time I really need support. It doesn't help she said she'd handle the referral and she fucking hasn't and left it to my GP.
Frustrating!!! Concept: we just offer respectful, non-judgemental, person-centered care
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Another therapy appointment down.
I have to decide. Sacrificing my needs vs letting my siblings stay in the same place. In the same shitty household.
But if I go back I'll have even less of a life.
I won't even have time to attempt to find a partner.
I haven't had anytime for myself to live. I raised them never had needs and have always been the one everyone turns to when theres a problem.
No one calls me and talks to me while I break down. Like when I reach out, I've always been shut down.
How can I sacrifice more years and neglect my needs. How can I let myself die like that? Killing what tiny piece is left of me.
But on the other side.
How can I leave them there. How can I abandon them. My therapist said its not my fault. I didn't bring those kids into the world. It never was my responsibility to raise them.
To sacrifice everything for them.
But how can I accept that.
I raised them. I did everything all day while still internally destructing.
I was so suicidal and depressed. Xbox and razors became the only thing keeping me alive... weed extended my life. It gave me a higher tolerance to the bullshit. Allowed me to de-stress. It gave me a tiny tiny tiny bit of hope that maybe things weren't always going to be like that.
Yet I lived for them. I worked. I went to school. Sure I didn't do great. Almost killed myself multiple times. Threw my 3.8gpa to the shitter all because I was so fucking done with my life I didn't care.
My ex helped me get through it. Sure we fought and my bpd definitely caused issues. She had her own problems. But having at least another person.
At least a glimpse at a life with love it was enough to keep me going even when EVERYDAY is hell.
But to go again another minimum 7 years of raising kids that aren't mine idk.
My therapist says its not my responsibility. I don't have to choose to sacrifice myself and go back.
But idk what to do.
Im scared. Im alone. And im tired.
Sure I can be numb. Make it through. Continue on. But inside I've been dying for years.
Eventually no amount of numbness or disassociating will be able to save me.
I don't want it to get that bad.
I don't want to go back. But does that make me a shitty person?
I feel like I'd be letting my siblings down choosing whats best for me vs coming back and trying to provide a better home for them.
I don't know. I feel responsible. I feel like an awful person for leaving in the first place but staying there would have killed me. And now it might kill my siblings too.
So idk what to do.
I feel I'll never find happiness. Or safety.
I'll never have someone I can rely on. Someone that would be there for me.
I think nothing I feel really matters tho.
I should just be fucking better. Be stronger. But I'm not. Im weak. Broken and exhausted. Idk what to do. Idk how to decide. I'm falling apart desperately grasping for anything on my way down. Begging for a rope. Begging for a hand. But I have nothing.
Just an endless pit of hell.
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hell yeah. alphabetical order
acheron: she is Not thinking about that
argenti: thinks babies are adorable. would be a very goofy fun dad but probably p neutral towards actually having kids of his own
arlan: hes ambivalent aside from the fact that he (trans) definitely does Not want to carry them. he would be a very good dad though
asta: definitely yes and she would spoil them rotten
aventurine: he's not going out of his way or actively intending to have kids on account of all the Trauma. he'd probably be a good parent (albeit one that would spoil them) and itd give him some sense of self preservation (doesnt want his baby to be all alone the same way he was) but lets be honest. the lack of self preservation is like half the reason he is not planning on it.
bailu: is a baby + vidyadhara
(bonus baiheng: she wouldve loved to raised a silly little guy to take with her on her travels)
black swan: not interested in the idea in the slightest. doesnt hate kids but much prefers being the elegant rich auntie
blade: absolutely not. maybe back when he was yingxing but even then... he (trans) would hate carrying and even if he didn't his boyfriend was quite notoriously infertile. again, definitely not with kafka either. doubt he had much to do with tb at all when they were younger
boothill: is a father. too fucked up about what happened to have another kid without like a billion therapy sessions first
bronya: always assumed she'd be given the appropriate child when the time came and hasn't thought about it beyond that at all. that hypothetical kid is a matter of duty and not of a longing for motherhood.
clara: is a baby
dan heng: tbh i think if he thought about it he probably wouldnt mind parenting, but he's a vidyadhara and he knows he won't ever have a biological child + he's not in any position to adopt one randomly. he'd be the boring responsible dad but he'd also be very good at it
(bonus dan feng: yes and honestly that probably fueled his research at least in part. he would not have been a good dad though. that kid wouldve had so many issues)
dr ratio: not actively interested but he be pretty good as a dad. absolutely very strict but he would want whats best for the kid.
firefly: she would probably want a family if she could have one, but has made peace with the fact that she can't. probably enjoyed playing mom friend to silver wolf when she was younger
fu xuan: childfree career woman. she doesnt have time for kids and deals with them (one of them) enough whenever she goes to bother jing yuan
gallagher: absolutely not are you fucking kidding me
gepard: this man dreams of a white picket fence life with a loving spouse and a gorgeous baby. shame about the criminal boyfriend
guinaifen: i love her but she would use that baby for clout. probably for the best that she's too broke and single to have one
hanya: no. she's fond of kids but she absolutely would never have one. her line of work means itd be an extremely bad idea and she has no interest in raising a baby regardless
herta: she is on r/childfree she hates babies sososo much. she'd be a reluctant eccentric aunt to asta's though
himeko: she already has 3 she does not need any more (on a more serious note: i know hi3 himeko did want marriage and kids but imo hsr himeko gets fulfillment from mothering the trailblaze trio)
hook: is a baby
huohuo: is a baby
jade: she doesn't want babies which is good because she'd be a terrible mother
jing yuan: is a father and he is sososo in his element. he always intended to have a kid whether adopting or (trans) carrying, so he's pretty content with his lot. there was probably a time after the sedition when he made peace with that sort of future not being meant for him so yanqing was a pleasant surprise. however i do not think he wants more than one. he's fond of kids but he'd rather put all his energy into raising the one he has, especially since he's a single parent
jingliu: honestly tbh.. yeah. not currently but when she was training jing yuan she probably constantly got hit in the Domesticity thinking about what itd be like to raise a child with baiheng. in the present day she is too full of rage to even think about taking care of a child.
kafka: has one (tb). terrible mother. i love her so much.
luka: yeah,,, yeah. he would. he'll probably end up adopting one of the underworld orphans like fersman did with hook
luocha: if hes having a kid its not out of love but some fucked up evil plan and i think that is important to remember
lynx: she's like 17 i do not think she's thinking about it
march: hasnt given it much thought but if she did she'd probably consider herself better as a 姐姐 maybe when she's older she'll think about it properly but right now she is content
misha: he is his own kid in a sense. crazy world
natasha: has so many babies. excellent mother and will continue to take in the orphans of belobog until she can no longer. probably wouldnt have a biological kid
pela: she hasnt given it any thought
qingque: no
robin: yes and she actively hopes to find someone to settle down and raise kids with so that she can dote on them as much as possible all the time. she would sing them brand new original lullabies and would love it.
ruan mei: god no. she has her creations but she would much rather give them to someone else to raise. she is not at all motherly
sampo: he doesn't think about it that much but he is fond of the moles and doesnt mind the thought of having a kid, but his lifestyle just isnt right for it
seele: honestly i think she doesn't think about it at all until she sees bronya interacting with a random citizen baby and then she feels all fluttery and yearnful
serval: she is content as a sister and aunt. obv bronya is her gfs kid and there's a fondness there towards her, esp because she seems to have been in her life when she was younger, but i dont think shes actively looking to have a kid in the present day
silver wolf: not at all. she would probably call a baby a loser for not being able to complete a speedrun
sparkle: no.
sushang: yeah but not right now. she's got other stuff to be doing
tingyun: no, but she loves taking the role of auntie/姐姐. she is so serious about doting on bailu
topaz: yes and tbh now that im thinking about it she and robin would be kinda cute together. hold that thought
trailblazer: best suited to the role of goofy older sibling but they'd probably be fun as a parent too. whether they'd actually want kids is probably a case of 'if it happens it happens'
welt: is a father. misses his son daily and projects that on to the astral express crew
xueyi: no and she never did want them
yanqing: is a baby
yukong: is already a mother and was probably pining to have a cute little family with caiyi long before any of what happened did. having qingni is very bittersweet for her
1 like and ill talk about who in hsr would have babies
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I'm going to make some predictions for Criminal Minds: Evolution. It is officially two months til the premiere and here's what I think we're going to get (lots of this will be based on that sneak peek interview):
UPDATED: 26/11 (Ep 1-2) GREEN is correct prediction. RED incorrect. (Subscript is comments)
Emily: She's section chief now. She has grey hair now and there is a 50/50 chance they will write a line that's like 'LOL Wow Prentiss, the job is so hard you went grey!' but also equal odds no one says ANYTHING about it. Emily gets the band back together and she's just a v good badass. I DO NOT for a second believe they're going to make Emily canonically queer. They're probably going to double down and give her a sex scene with some generic dude. But she'll be able to say 'FUCK' and that's great. I love that for her.
JJ: I STG if they give us some wild Willifer sex scene (I had to witness that innuendo and Emily saying people were getting laid so it counts!) ....dksjlahdlksahl. *CRINGE* Henry is *14* now, that's bananas y'all. He's in HIGH SCHOOL. Michael is also in school now?!?!?! HOW???? She'll talk about it but we may not even see her fam bc it's ten episodes and they only ever get brought out of the prop closest like once every three years. She and Will went to NOLA for a while then moved back to DC. She'll talk about how nice it was to be away for a bit but ultimately 'I missed the BAU because this is my family' bc we have seen time and time again how she makes excuses to be at work vs being with Will lmao
Tara: They're going to give Tara a love interest and I honestly doubt it's not gonna be a dude. She and JJ have teamed up to go over every single case request for however long and so there will be JARA, which is delicious. But again, I won't for a single second hold my breath thinking they're going to suddenly make an MC queer just because it's streaming or whatever. Being on network TV was never the issue, so I don't feel like streaming isn't going to flip a magical gay switch in the show runners.(SO FUCKING HAPPY I WAS WRONNNNGGGGG!!!!!) I think we'll get some good Tara storylines though which will be SO SO good because she is the perfect character!
Rossi: I think it's SO obvious they're going to kill his wife. Probably via the pandemic. Because this show is so obsessed with trauma porn. He's unit chief now which is funny considering how much he hated it when he was interim UC before Emily came back. But it's pretty on brand because none of the show runners have ever understood continuity, why start now? I think they're going to use his wife's death to fuel him being like “I know I'm old but I just need something to do and something to make me feel useful and this is all I know. So I'm back!"
Luke: Obviously Luke and Garcia went on a date, that's been confirmed. Again, I dunno if we'll get to see Garvez on screen. At least, not how we want! I think maybe they dated a bit and now that they're back, there will be a moment of adjustment to seeing each other and things being slightly awkward but then they'll go back to their banter and shit. I just don't think this show is going to actually give us an inter-team romance on screen. I will be SO happy if they do, but I'm not holding my breath
Garcia: Obvs what I said about Luke. I think Garcia will be the one that's hardest to convince to come back. She left because those last few seasons were SO hard on her. Like this ray of sunshine had SO much shit happen to her and I think she would very much be hesitant to come back. Someone, (Rossi) (should be Luke but probably will be like JJ) will convince her to come back because the team really needs her. There will be an emotional scene where she talks about her PTSD from the BAU but then she'll just be like 'yeah, okay I'm back'. Because this show never actually addresses trauma (CANNOT BELIEVE THEY TALKED ABOUT GOING TO THERAPY!?!? WHAT A CONCEPT!)
Place your bets guys, gals, nonbinary pals. WHATEVER we get in two months, will be a TRASH FIRE. I don't have any doubts about that part. I do not expect the reboot to be any better than the show, which is an absolute dumpster fire....but it's our dumpster fire. So here we are!
Also, you are allowed to have other opinions. This is mostly a post for me to write my thoughts so I can check back when the show airs to see if I was right or not. This is not an invitation for discourse, my nerds.
#criminal minds#cm reboot#cm evolution#cm meta#emily prentiss#jennifer jareau#tara lewis#david rossi#luke alvez#penelope garcia#cm head!canon
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