#maybe she wakes up alone
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Let’s Do The Time Loop Again
Based on this post
wc: 1.1k || rating: T || cw: vague reference to suicide, mention of violence and injury || ship: Ronance || summary: Robin is stuck in a time loop. S4 AU || ao3
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It should have been a simple thing. After all, she was supposed to be Smart with a capital S. Instead, they’d been having this same conversation every day for six months and the urge to strangle her was at an all time high. Still. At least the outcome was known now.
“Oh my god, I’m not into Steve!” Robin yelled, throwing her hands up in frustration. “You act like you’re so in-love with him but I really just think it’s because you can’t handle the fact that your first love is moving on and you can’t figure out how to break up with your boyfriend whom you no longer love!”
Other days, they’ve sat and talked about that. Nancy would reveal that she doesn’t miss Jonathan as much as she thought she should. That being apart was becoming easier every day. That she had her own goals in life and she couldn’t see a future with anyone who tried to limit her ambition or otherwise acted like an impediment, intentionally or otherwise.
Most days, however, it ended with Robin nudging Nancy to the news article she needed to make her discovery while dealing with the prickly girl feeling uneasy about Robin’s relationship with her ex-boyfriend.
Sometimes she told her the truth about herself, other days she simply denied it all like her first time before she got stuck, and other times she just got fed up and left. There was one thing she had never done before, however, and watching Nancy’s bitchy little face as she didn’t seem to fully accept that Robin and Steve weren’t a thing was the last straw.
Huffing a harsh breath, Robin reached out and tangled her fingers in Nancy’s hair as she pulled the girl towards her and smashed their lips together.
Honestly, she was expecting Nancy to push her away, maybe even slap or straight up punch her. It’s what Vickie had done more than once when Robin had first tried to make it work between them during all this, first tried to show Vickie that she could be a better boyfriend than her actual boyfriend. Before she had to finally admit that her infatuation wasn’t some great love story, that she and Vickie weren’t meant to be together, and she had to let her go.
Vickie had never fully accepted it anyways, accepted them, not even when Robin had tried to express her love and admiration with flowers and chocolates and the knowledge of the world’s imminent destruction. (The last part had probably been too much, all things considered.)
Instead, Nancy tensed momentarily, shocked and confused and frozen at the sudden action, and then she kissed back. A small gasp left her, which allowed Robin to slip her tongue in, and goodness, Nancy Wheeler was a fantastic kisser. When Robin finally (reluctantly) pulled back, Nancy’s eyes were closed, her head tilted slightly up, lips softly parted and pink.
When she finally blinked her eyes open, she stared dazedly at Robin. It was Robin’s turn to tense, to prepare to flee, even if she knew she’d be right back here as soon as Vecna killed her later, or on the off-chance this was one of the times they defeated him, when she woke up the next morning in the last.
She had thought, at the beginning, that it would all be over if they managed to defeat Vecna/Henry/One, but then they did, and then Robin was waking back up to the day Dustin stormed into Family Video to find Eddie. She was so tired of watching her friends die. She’d still sometimes have nightmares of watching Steve be beaten to death beneath Starcourt, of watching the light and life leave his eyes, his heart stop beating against hers.
It was so much worse watching it happen in reality. Steve, Nancy, Dustin, Eddie, Max, Lucas, even little Erica…she’d watched them all die over and over again and she had no idea why. Why she was the only one aware of what was happening. She had even tried to stop it herself, had taken herself out of the equation hoping that maybe that would release everyone else, but it never did.
“Oh.” Nancy’s cheeks slowly reddened as she looked up at Robin. Then, her lips slowly curled into a small smile. “Oh,” she repeated quietly, like everything was suddenly coming together in her mind. She let out a soft chuckle, then she reached out and lightly brushed her fingers over Robin’s. “Can we…discuss this later? After everything?”
Robin smiled, though it was tinged with sadness. She knew that there wasn’t a later, or an after. There was only an again.
She agreed though, and Nancy listened to her about where she should look in the records, and things continued on like normal. Nancy kept asking her opinion on things, however, which allowed Robin to steer things much more easily to one of the better outcomes. It was hard work, and it wasn’t without problems or injury, but they managed to save Max, save Eddie, saved everyone, and even defeated Vecna for good. Again.
She wondered sometimes why she still tried so hard, why she didn’t just curl in a ball and ignore everything, but she loved her friends too much for that. Loved Nancy too much for that, even though she knew that Nancy would never be able to return her feelings. Not when, in a few hours, Nancy would forget any of this had ever even happened.
“We did it,” Nancy breathed, fierce triumph in her eyes as she clutched Robin’s hand in a tight grip, bruised and bloodied but alive. For now. Robin turned to look at her, at the tear tracks down her grimy face even as she smiled, and Robin knew she was thinking about Barb, thinking that she had finally been avenged. For now.
“We did it,” Robin agreed, and she wanted to cry too. It wasn’t the best outcome they’d ever had before. Eddie had still been attacked by demobats, but he survived, if barely. Max still had broken limbs, but she wasn’t the final victim. Steve probably had another concussion, but he was breathing. Erica had a broken arm too, Dustin a broken ankle, and Lucas had just barely managed to avoid being shot but…the gates wouldn’t open this time. But there was always next time.
There was always a next time.
Nancy looked at her, and though she still seemed unsure about everything, she looked like she at least finally had the answer she was searching for. Robin knew how much it had hurt Steve when he thought Nancy was cheating on him, knew it wasn’t fair to Jonathan, but she also knew that whatever happened today didn’t count. It would only be her own heart breaking.
Robin, knowing this, drew Nancy towards her without her usual awkwardness, startling the other girl. She then leaned in to kiss Nancy again and let herself pretend, just for now, just for a little while, that everything was finally over.
Maybe, tomorrow, she’d kiss Nancy again too.
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Disclaimer: this has originally been posted as a reblog to the linked post, but to make it easier on myself I am simply reposting it as its own thing with some edits.
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Hostage tag: @derythcorvinus
Tagged because mention of interest: @absentminded001
#does she repeat it all again?#is it over?#maybe she wakes up the next morning with nancy’s arm around her waist#maybe she wakes up alone#who’s to say#time loop au#time loop#time loop ronance#ronance#ronance au#robin buckley#nancy wheeler#stranger things s4 au#stranger things#plot thots
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I think any fix-it mouthwashing au has to have the mandatory scenes of Curly either being able to blink again or speaking for the first time.
#like metaphorical nature aside can you like fathom the relief in being able to hear your voice again? or like blink your eye even if manualy#how many times to you think the phantom actions triggers only for nothing to happen to be asked something and it catch in his throat from h#his torn vocal cords probably from how loud and hard he was screaming in agony#or the feeling of having to cry with tears and the instinct to blink them away like those little relief would make him break down#also just like I want the fix it au to have a scene of Anya feeling truly safe and content with nothign in the back of her mind#like I like playing with the struggles and angst but really just have her subtly realize shes fine alone or with one of them I dont care#shes like reading and someone unintentionally sneaks up on her but she doesnt jump or she wakes up and its not the first thought in her min#or maybe just her realizing she can finally push it away maybe someone not recognizing her or Curly from the incident and realizing it wont#define her forever and she'll move past it like please let them be happy have them meet Daisuke's family who pointedly dont ask#or Swansea appriciating his kids in a way Daisukes didn't appiciate their useful ray of sunshine like LET THEM SMILE#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#captain curly#curly mouthwashing
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Because we now know you have a cat, you have to show it. I wanna see a cute little cat
yess .. of course you may .. she is beaitoful and id love to share her .. her name is sabrina and she is going to be 2 years old this june 👍 she is amazing and i love herso much
#unfortunately she is embarassed to be seen with me#she has this thing where she only cuddles and sleeos with me when we are alone together or no one will see her#at the begining i thoufht hm maybe she just likes cuddling at nighr bwcause she gets sleeoy#but no she only cuddles me when we are home alone and as soon as somwone comes home she LEAVES me#i think shes embarassed to be seen with me like im her secret#durong the night she will get onto my chest and purr and do her thing and shes soo happg#but the MOMENT someone waked up in the morning she runs aay fron me#and she wiats aboit 10 minitss after the person has gone to come back#i love her nonethelees though she us my besutlfufl pretty pruncess ad i love herosmuxh
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Worm Arc 14 thoughts from 14.8 through the end:
Gonna get a little bit gay up in here pretty soon. But first, some other stuff.
Pretty much jump right into "Oh shit everything is fucked" with the bio-weapon just spreading everywhere right away.
Skitter's focus on Tattletale specifically when trying to get them to higher ground was top level Chatterbug/Smugbug content. Like sure Sundancer and Trickster too, she wanted to save them. But when Bentley wasn't climbing fast enough what she said to herself in worry was "Tattletale."
Fucking god. Tattletale telling Skitter to fly to the higher building and use bugs so Trickster could teleport them and they'd follow? But fully knowing it wouldn't work and just trying to get Skitter to safety?
"It doesn’t look like her plan will work out. Tell her I’m sorry." - I WAS FUCKING BAWLING
I had figured that Bonesaw's contingency wasn't just a "everyone dies right now" virus or whatever. It would need to be artistic. And it would need to be a punishment to the local capes, both hero and villain. And the way to punish them would be to "take the city from them". "Make them watch it destroy itself." "Make them help".
I feel like what she did covered that general outline with a heavier focus on taking everything away from the capes. But still, god damn Bonesaw. Absolutely fucking terrifying. Super powered face blindness. At the base at least. Don't know who anyone is. Damn.
SKITTER IT'S NOT GAY YET THAT ISN'T TATTLETALE IT'S BONESAW! GAY WILL COME LATER!
If Jack put's his slimy fucking hands on my daughter again I will personally remove them.
The "Don't swear!" from Bonesaw while pretending to be Tattletale was fun. I managed to hit on it before that, but it was a good confirmation.
Fucking Jack and his "You’re versatile" after seeing Skitter make decoys while prepping to tie someone up with spiders. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR DREAMS YOU DICK. YOU CAN'T HAVE HER.
Instantly confirmed when Skitter flat refused to shoot someone despite Jack and Bonesaw telling her to. My daughter might not be perfect but she's not going to be one of you!
Coil fucked up a bit on the phone. He wasn't dealing with the pathogen so he should have done better. Even just asking everyone there to say something so he could listen to the voices. He would have known right away it wasn't Tattletale and Grue. Patching them through to Cherish that easily was a mistake. He really doesn't do as much as he could be. Like ya he's evil but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed when he isn't using his full potential.
Cherish very fucked up when she thought letting Jack and Bonesaw know where she was would be good for her. Hope she likes her eternal torment at the bottom of the ocean. (Ok there's a chance she'll get pulled out in the future I guess.)
I'll admit, when Amy left with Victoria earlier I wasn't expecting to see them again so soon.
"Panacea is the healer, top floor, Jack is the slasher, the blond girl is the chemist-tinker." I don't know why, since it doesn't rhyme or anything, but I got very "The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true" vibes from this.
Jack trying to convince Amy by talking about how many of her ancestors were successful by being cruel and Taylor just internally going "How many were successful because they cooperated?" Love my daughter.
Victoria is still very much . . . not dead.
HOLY SHIT AMY YOU PUT YOUR SISTER IN A PERSONALIZED FLESH COFFIN MADE FROM CATS AND DOGS?
Seriously. Personalized. It has her face on the outside made out of bone. What the actual fuck Amy?
Proud of my daughter for shooting Jack, even if it didn't work.
It's probably fine that Skitter got Amy to break her brain rule again. I mean like it's good. It was the only way to fix the pathogen. It saved herself and the city. That is all good. Just . . . there might also be some long term negative outcomes. Probably fine though.
Getting gets cured and goes off to cure the city be gay.
"I leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on her lips." - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
WOLFSPIDER WOLFSPIDER WOLFSPIDER!
SO FUCKING GAY I LOST MY FUCKING MIND WHEN IT HAPPENED
"'You couldn’t have waited until after you’d cured me before you put the bugs on your face?' Tattletale asked. She was smiling as she asked it." - ALSO EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
SO GAY. DOUBLE GAY. EXTRA GAY. ALL THE GAY!
CHATTERBUGCHATTERBUGCHATTERBUG (SMUGBUG IS FINE TOO)!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also the level of effort the girls went through after that trying to figure out how to cure Grue and Regent without kissing? Fucking amazing. Kissing was only ok for these three. Obviously.
GAAAAAAY
Gay (bug)horse girl gay (bug)horse girl gay (bug)horse girl
And the remainder of the Nine got away. Which is pretty fucking bad I guess. What with the whole "end of the world" and all that. I get that story point is the *actual* big end of the arc. But it's been overshadowed. By the gays.
Did I mention things being gay? I just want to make sure. Cause they were. Gay that is.
Interlude 1 - Sierra is amazing. She is exactly who Skitter needs to be running things while she's away. Charlotte is also amazing and I think worships the ground Skitter walks on. My daughter is, as always, absolutely terrifying when described from anyone else's PoV. She only gets more so every time. She just uses bug speak without even realizing now. Amazing. I love her. Atlas is helping and I'm so proud of him. He even got to take the gun. I hope he gets to keep it.
Interlude 2 (thought about making this it's own post but I'll just keep it really simple) - God dammit all three of the big 3 are Cauldron created? Ugh. Legend you appear to be trying to do the right thing but you sure as shit aren't paying much attention are you? Holy shit like, you believed so much of what the Doctor has been saying for years? God damn bud. How could you look at Cauldron and assume they *aren't* doing human experimentation? Especially since you know they have done it in the past! Like god damn man! At least you do kind of acknowledge that maybe you were purposefully ignoring the signs cause you wanted to be ignorant. Maybe there is a little bit of hope for you. Hell of a lore dump interlude though. Gives me lots to think about. Also I'd absolutely listen to The Number Man talk about spreadsheets all day long.
GAY
#Worm#Worm Web Serial#Parahumans#Cairavende reads Worm#The Slaughterhouse Nine#Taylor Hebert#Lisa Wilbourn#Rachel Lindt#Wolfspider#Chatterbug#Smugbug#GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#SO FUCKING GAY I'M DYING#I'm sure once Vicky wakes up and is released from her FLESH COFFIN that she will be just fine#Maybe a tiny itty bitty bit of therapy will be needed#For real though the first time The Number Man started talking I instantly wanted to be alone in a room with him.#It didn't matter that he was running over the possible outcomes of a end of the world situation and talking about the deaths of billions.#Fucking hell just spreadsheets to me man! PLEASE!#You can give me estimates all day long.#ALSO FOR REAL THOUGH IT WAS SO GAY#WOLFSPIDER WOLFSPIDER WOLFSPIDER WOLFSPIDER#CHATTERBUG CHATTERBUG CHATTERBUG CHATTERBUG
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Thinking about Sabine waking up in the comm tower in the middle of the night and finding herself alone in bed and having a panic attack like “oh no oh no oh no oh no…it was all just a dream…Ahsoka and I never found Ezra…and I never told him I loved him…and we never got married…and our life together was just a haunting invention of my subconscious…”
…then the toilet flushes down the hall and Ezra stumbles out of the refresher in his little orange sleep shorts and flops back into bed beside her and passes out immediately while Sabine is still trying to get over her emotional whiplash.
#ok but waking up from a really vivid dream and not being sure what’s real for a few seconds#that’s actually terrifying#so I can imagine Sabine has to deal with this a lot#she’s in the habit of reaching out to touch Ezra’s beard to anchor herself in the present#but sometimes he’s off taking a tinkle or grabbing a midnight snack#and Sabine will get up and go looking for him and not go back to bed until he comes with her#maybe Ezra starts carrying her around with him when he gets up?#“welp it’s 3 AM and I really gotta go pee…better throw my sleeping wife over my shoulder so she doesn’t wake up alone and start bawling”#I love Sabezra so much because I’m not even sure that’s crack for them#they’re partners who would literally do anything for each other#sabezra headcanons#sabezra#sabine wren#ezra bridger
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it's the way Ellie immediately starts screaming and crying when Sam attacks her and absolutely WAILS for Joel. that's what broke me.
#it's like. she's 14. she just woke up. she fell asleep after making a promise not to. she BELIEVED with all her heart that her blood#would save this kid almost half her age. she believed it. she hoped it. she spoke it into existence.#because if joel could speak into reality that she wouldn't get shot why couldn't she do the same for sam? right?#and then she wakes up and it Didn't Work and this kid she's made friends with who's half her age and just as scared#only with an even SMALLER body to fit all that fear into. is gone. he asked if it would still be him inside and it isn't.#and ellie broke her promise. both of them. the healing and the not-being-alone-ness.#so maybe it's only joel who can speak things into existence like that. ellie doesn't know. she just knows that he'll help her.#she just wants her dad.#Lu rambles#tlou#tlou spoilers#the last of us spoilers#tlou hbo
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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Me with who
I trusted, Let you in
Let you see through my broken skin
Let you tell me, People would love me
Not get sick of me, Get rid of me
I know you rarely open your Tumblr from your browser but if ever you do so, well, sana matamaan ka.
#siren screams#personal rant#relatable memes#in sound mind#Song#rant post#Friend#Im slowly distancing myself from an irl friend#I couldnt help but develop some trust issues but maybe im just overreacting#I dunno#I will just.... rant#I feel like she really hates me even if she would say it as a joke sometimes#Telling me im so annoying everytime we see each other#And we're even classmates for this school year!#But im slowly distancing myself#I cant bring myself up to a happy mood whenever I need to face her#Like not looking onto her face#Of course i know everyone in the class noticed it eveb if they wont say anything about us#Cuz they know that me and this irl friend are inseparable and always buy in the canteen during recess#But now im alone#all all alone#I have two moots here thatre my classmates irl rn#If any of you two read this. Dont tell anyone#I just... ranted#Thats all#Damn fuck i want some sleep but i cant since i need to prepare for exams next week#Its 1 pm here btw#I rlly want some sleep to replenish my whole being#Ah no lemme rephrase that--i want eternal sleep#A sleep where no one can ever wake me from.
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anyone else getting a little tired of the unending horror
#she speaks#truly cannot keep living like this gang!#burned out and stressed constantly to a level that i keep thinking will plateau#only for it to keep somehow getting worse#idk if y’all know this but being a teacher in america is truly a completely unsustainable job#it verges on deliberate cruelty the shit we’re just supposed to handle and be ok with every day#and the expectations we’re supposed to be able to meet#with very little time to plan or prepare let alone rest#tomorrow i literally have no planning time#so i won’t get a single break outside of like 20 minutes for lunch if i’m lucky#and then we have a grade level meeting after school that i didn’t know about until literally today#bc we need to have report card comments done by tomorrow.#which you’ll never guess!! we also didn’t know about/weren’t reminded of until today!!#and maybe that’s on me but admin normally puts out so much stuff about it ahead of time#and this time we got literally nothing#and now i’ve had to cancel my therapy appointment right when i probably need it the most#and since it’s less than 24 hours i might get charged for it 🙃#i haven’t vacuumed in months and my car inspection is 3 months overdue#i wake up exhausted every single day and come home so overwhelmed i can barely talk#and yet things keep fucking happening every single day#and it all just keeps compounding#and i have no other option but to keep pushing through and hope it doesn’t literally kill me#this can’t be all there is. it can’t keep feeling like this forever. when does it get better i cant keep doing this
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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.
#the sun went down at 4 pm and I am once again having an existential crisis#I went to a bookstore and saw stupid romance book covers and started thinking about how I’m probably gonna ‘die alone’#whatever the fuck that means#I don’t KNOW okay I don’t know if I’m aromantic or just too traumatized and avoidant to be capable of intimacy. but I have no friends and#I’m lonely as fuck#and I don’t want to date but I want someone to be committed to me and I want someone to fuck but I don’t trust people and I#am pretty sure if I fucked someone I would burst into tears bc of how long its been since I’ve been touched#I want a family. like that is one thing I know for sure I don’t know exactly what that even means or looks like#but I want a FAMILY. and not the one I was born with#I don’t mean kids I mwan commitment and fucking. People#and the universe is not on my fucking side girl. she’s not I don’t care what you say#I thought I had a found family in college and look where that is now. dust#and I’m 25 years old#and I’m missing so many milestones#and maybe it doesn’t matter maybe dating and fucking do not give you worth yeah yeah okay#but this is not the life I thought I would have at this age. and I feel like I should be entitled to grieve that#not like I want to. I want to be normal and I want to be over it.#to be perfectly fucking honest. I wish I could wake up tomorrow#and fall in love with someone and have a boring normal happily ever after.#I wish I could be the person who’s capable of that and I know that’s a naive and childish and unwoke desire to have#but I’m just being so real with you chief. I do not know how to live in this world being who I am.#and I don’t want to fucking be alone.#not because it makes me less worthy but because I’m just fucking sick of being lonely. okay.#anyway. I’m probably deleting this#p
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like idk if i was katara and i was carrying all that guilt about my moms murder and then some guy is like 'i can help you get some catharsis for that' and then everyone else started arguing with me about it i would get mad about it to asdfghjk i would probably be a little mean also
i would say some harsh things maybe
i would perhaps have a feeling or two
#i would love for a scene where the siblings have a talk post southern raiders because im sure like#it was a bit of a wake up call to sokka and like i mean they should have a bit of a talk but like#her feelings are not wrong leave katara alone sdfghjkl#honestly maybe a wake up call to both of them#with katara finally putting words to feelings she had#and sokka realizing she felt that way#and perhaps they both like need to address how they're feeling and this loss a little#and like just clear the air and touch base and all that like
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sneeg and niki siblings is real to me
#not like sneeg and charlie#in the way that ranboo and sneeg are brothers#the latching onto eachother way and knowing everything about the other but also nothing at the same time#they are so similar but also complete fucking opposites and#the suffrage of being gay and the suffrage of being a woman#being turned into something that youre not#sneeg doing anything for showfall to give him the slightest bit of approval and niki wanting to burn them to the ground#both of them dying ugly and alone just because they existed#post escape niki being proud of her identity and chopping all her hair off and dressing more masc#post escape sneeg doubling down on what showfall made him because he cant go through that again and its wrong and disgusting#and they both care about the others too much to the point of it being overbearing#except niki is always like that and sneeg wants everyone and himself dead half the time#sneeg praying to god until his hands are bloody and bruised and niki quietly bandaging his hands#because shes the only person that could ever even maybe begin to understand why he does it#niki shutting down if a guy calls her pretty or nice and sneeg immediately jumping between them#niki clinging to sneeg in public because he looks the meanest out of all of them and surely nobody will bother him#niki going into sneegs room at night and just sitting next to him because whenever he sleeps he wakes up crying#and
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It’s so easy for me to get upset and shut down it’s almost laughable
#my dipshit aunt asked me to come over and stay with my granny so she can go out#fair enough#don’t have an issue with that#this bastard leaves my granny alone in the apartment before I get there#comes back god knows when then sleeps til 3pm and wakes up high as shit#I only agreed to stay the weekend so she could help me with my hair and so I could do my laundry in the basement#the dryers are broken my clothes are wet and my hasn’t been touched#my homophobic aunt isn’t even here yet she’s getting the money from the home aid service to take care of my granny#but I’m the one afraid to look at my bank account and see it empty#most of my money goes towards food for the family and travel to see my granny and no one goes#‘hmmmm maybe we (the mfs pushing 40 and 50) should pay back the unemployed 22 year old#granny posting
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#kinda losing it because one grandmother asked me to go home bc its getting hard for her to live alone (which sounded more like#hey. i might not b around for too much longer maybe?) and the other one left my mother horrified when she saw her#described her state as utter agony every waking moment to the point where its better to be dead bc of her parkinsons and falls and injuries#and its just. ugHH#like i really should go home and help around until they pass however long that will be a year two three five#noone else is gonna do it. no one else is gonna do it#so how much does it matter that im fucked up and sick myself and tired and should probably do something else before my body fully goes to#shit#but its like. whats even the choice here exactly???#not to???#is that even on the list of choices?#dear god i dread it#dread it all#they all drive me so nuts and physically it would be a nightmare but id probably regret it to my grave if i didnt
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Me being a bitch (waayyy more drama in tags):
Decided to stop all the petty shit and actually text my cousin to explain things and have an actual conversation and the bitch laughed at me so I’m officially done with her royal highness
#ps. maybe don’t be a bitch to the person who pays for your streaming services 👍#talking shit about me is fine but my mother?!? sweetie you don’t deserve the nights she’s wasted worrying about you#idk why I’m even explaining things at all#I left her alone for months and then she has to go and acuse me of something I didn’t even know happened#like??? I hadn’t been on Netflix since new years but sure I deleted your Netflix profile but left your Hulu alone#ya figured me out. I’m an evil mastermind *mwhahaha*#and then to drag it out via Netflix names bc you can’t just ducking text me???#I was trying to be an adult and distance myself and she just drags me back into the drama#at least my mom knows I’m innocent#even tried leaving thing on a positive note via Netflix#told her to text my mother sometime bc (despite me thinking she’d a total bitch) my mom still cares about her#and she had to get all sassy like “she has my number 💅”#yeah and ya know what? you have hers#funny how she uses it to check in on you and you don’t reply till you need something#funny thing is my brother told me she and her baby daddy have been fighting more and more#I hope one day she wakes up and realizes her sucked her dry and now has no one to turn to bc she made sure to bitch them all away#sweetie I tried being there for you but I can’t be there for someone who makes it very clear they wish I was never there in the first place#enjoy tearing your vagina in two for someone you gave up your entire personality for#and before any of y’all come here saying “we’ll if she cut everyone off and made her entire personality about him maybe she’s being abused”#she was in an emotionally fragile state when they met- her mother had just died#and it’s our understand that she decided it was easier to purge herself/life of anything that reminded her of her pain/old life#it’s very evident when you look at her behavior#that being said she’s always been a bitch#I had to stop attending holidays at one point simply bc she didn’t want me there (I was 11)#couldn’t wear her hand-me-downs around her bc she’d make it clear I wasn’t pretty enough to wear them#oh and she tried to fight me in the chilis parking lot after church when I was nine#bc my grandpa opened the car door for me instead of her#amazing how just two years ago I was hoping we could finally be friends
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