#maybe my dreams are not so impossible!
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You know how parents say "Have fun!" when you are going somewhere?
Today, I was sitting at church, during my mom's bible study, and I said...
"Have fun!"
to a couple, probably double or triple my age, who were just passing by. Yeah, those words hit me hard. I think we were all caught off guard by that!
It was so awkward! Like, brain, why would you do that
AT A BIBLE STUDY?!?!?!
#why#life#it is okay to laugh#christianity#christian living#church#bible study#sorry mom#i am weird and you were stuck with me#you are stuck with me#sorry#i love you#seeing that deer near the parking lot was cool#thanks for pointing it out to me#my writing#made some music today#it is on flat.io#today is the last day of therapy for me right now#I am proud of how far I have come#maybe my dreams are not so impossible!#goodnight
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I'm working on a completely different space empire project and was looking up some stuff about the chronicles of Riddick movies (mostly for vibes) and does anyone wanna talk about the necromongers being pretty close to how the non-house humans in tlt see the empire?? Probably not because like 8 people saw those movies (and it's a bit of a reach) but man the vibes were off the charts and karl urban and every single woman on the cast looked Incredible and crushed every scene. Also Karl Urban and Thandiwe Newton giving the raddest (and hottest lbr) possible Macbeth vibes. Anyway I might go watch these terrible movies again so I can write some thoughts down in a more organized manner but if you're one of the 7 other people who watched them please come be my friend 😂
#tlt#rambling about space necromancers again#Chronicles of Riddick#are these movies secretly good maybe?? impossible to know#it's been 20 years since they came out i have my doubts but i do remember loving them so much#also the second movie has a 2004 young bisexual dream cast tbh i forgot how amazing everyone looked in it
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i understand why charles signed the mega contract with ferrari and why it's important to him to stay and win with ferrari but dammit lestappen rbr would've given us some of the best racing in recent memory
#lestappen#silly season 2023#more rambling and conspiracy theories in the tags#what's interesting is who is going to replace checo because i think it's very likely he'll be out of a seat by end of the season#danny ric is obviously a possibility but CH wants someone who can match max which is impossible because he's max verstappen#the only driver it would be possible would be charles because they have similar driving styles and are both generational talents#oscar piastri i think will be targeted but he did just put out a statement that he's happy at mclaren so who knows#i don't think lando will leave mclaren#i think we'll get danny ric for 2024 -> liam lawson into torro rosso seat -> liam lawson to rbr in 2025#similarly who will replace carlos at ferrari in 2025 though! i honestly think either alex albon or pierre gasly#they want a second driver to charles's first and both have proven they can win races and i think both would take being 2nd to charles alrig#or maybe oscar to ferrari but i don't think it would be good for oscar he deserves to be n1 driver#and then obviously there's my crackpot lestappen ferrari 2029 theory#in which max will not really be content until he wins at f1 (breaks the championship record + wins with ferrari)#and we get lestappen teammates trading off world championships#a girl can dream
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...
#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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halpp im playing this game and ig theres like 2 gamemodes. and in the original one you r always a man but im playing the other newer one (which is harder mainlybc the wiki is entirely focused around the other one skull) and im a woman (bc u get to make yr own character). and one small thang that ig they didnt fully think abt is that i got my husband pregnant
#WE DID IT ! MEDIEVAL POLISH MPREG !#its a fun game tho i think its still early access? medieval dynasty if anyone was interested#it semiscratches my itch for a like. town builder where you also know the individual residents and can talk to them and like watch them gro#over time and have families andALso you get to build the town#the social stuff isnt that robust rly but yk. i gets it#in my dream world there exists a very very boring game where each resident has like a defined personality and you can like.have unique#interactions w them. and also you can make a town#but thats probably impossible bc i dont want it 2 be like. Characters per se#well like. how do explain#id be fine if it was characters but id want them to like. age and eventually die and like. in my minds eye this thing goes for ages like.#maybe it passes on to an heir or maybe. oooo itd be fun if u were just like. an immortal thang who jsut decided to hang out in this village#or wtvr. but ya. but itd be like. yk...#in my ideal world you could also be a little matchmaker and influence their decisions but obv thatd be a bit of an issue 4 like. youd have#to have a lott of flexibility and stuff. itd be difficult. so.#basically idt itll ever be made but itis like my dream
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It's always so funny to me when I see people say things like 'uty will never be undertale!' and list all the things they think it did wrong/inaccurately to the og game. Don't get me wrong I think it's completely valid to not enjoy it for those reasons, but at the same time it's a non-toby fox game that I never felt tried too hard to PRETEND to be a toby fox game, y'know?
There's quite a few things I think it misses the mark on when it comes to canon compliance with undertale, but I don't really mind that tbh (especially when it gave us such a fun fanon take on flowey, which is pretty damn accurate to undertale even if it doesn't make sense with the timeline and even if itd makes him a little too developed by the time frisk falls to make sense). To me, uty is a game that takes place in a world SIMILAR to undertale, by different people, that isn't quite trying to do the same thing. It doesn't have the same soul as undertale sure, but it doesn't need to. Different games serve different purposes and especially w the context of yellow being a completely free project done in fans' time as a labour of love to a game that they enjoyed, I think they did a pretty damn good job.
(again this isn't me throwing shade at people who don't like it, more an excuse for me to get some of my own thoughts out about the game lol)
#xan's thoughts#idk. yellow is a fun project that i like a lot. the bosses are fun the characters are enjoyable and they wrote a damn good flowey#not to mention the music is FANTASTIC#maybe not all the characters have tons of depth or much design variance#but there's TONS of games out there where that's the case and they're so loved#and i think that's mostly only the case bc by nature it's being directly compared with undertale#which is impossible to not do!!!! it's understandable!#but i think that also means it's easier for people to miss the things that belong to yellow and yellow alone#basically my thoughts on this are that i hope we start getting more fangames that are basically undertalelikes#give me similar art styles and ut combat but w new characters in new settings that have nothing to do w utdr#i don't mean like fell or swap or core or dream nightmare piss or whatever but like. original stuff#what's happening on the other side of the world from mt ebott? what other quirky monster and human shenanigans can people think up#it'd be so fun and cool to see. like when people invent new regions for pokemon fangames
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honkai: star rail i am BEGGING on my HANDS and KNEES for you to release more QUANTUM characters because i desperately need QUANTUM especially a dps but more importantly WE. HAVE. ENOUGH. IMAGINARY. IT'S. ENOUGH. SLICES.
#⟡ — kayleigh’s yapping#2.6 1st phase is rappa + dan heng il#2nd phase is acheron + aventurine#as much as i would desperately love to e6 s5 dan heng il + acheron + aventurine#i am basically f2p so that is an impossible dream 🥲 💔#but it means i get to save for sunday!!! maybe!!! i don’t need nor do i want another imaginary character...#unfortunately i adore him and i will need to have him#plus. i need to start utilizing supports more. and he’s probably going to be a really good one. fingers crossed at least.#i have 16 special passes right now so i’ll need. uh. 344 more. if i want e0 sunday and also to get his s1 lightcone.#i still need to do the wardance which sound get me a decent amount of stellar jades#(i’ve been putting it off because unfortunately i don’t like luka at all whatsoever but my husband is in it at least)#and then this entire new patch with the new events and missions and simulated universe updates etc#and hopefully sunday will be second half of 2.7 tbqh but simultaneously i want him first half because i am impatient#if sunday has a follow up attack that’d be great because that would make him a must pull for me 🤞🏻
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change.
#so. the ending huh. *explodes*#i think it would be interesting if shinji sometimes remembered the events of the show... he was capable of remembering during ep28 so idk#maybe he has dreams about it... maybe he remembers being friends with yui even if that wasnt impossible in this timeline....#i think hed feel guilty in the moments when he remembers... he tried so hard to save everyone but he couldnt save yui....... :(#lyrics are from Change by Tears for Fears btw. if anyone cares.#my art#doodle#digital art#colored sketch#kamen rider#kamen rider ryuki#kamen rider ryuki spoilers#ryuki spoilers#spoilers#<- i forgot which spoiler tag i was usinggg 😭
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The one kinda-negative thing about cotl for me is that furries don’t lend themselves well to mermaid aus. Like it can be done but it feels a bit strange to me, so this fandom is probably gonna be the only one I’ve never done a mermaid au for
#sfw#ramblings#I am not complaining at all btw these are just my thoughts#the only one that would make sense to have a half fish body to me is the goat bcuz of the Capricorn zodiac#and Narinder just because him being a catfish is funny as hell#maybe I could turn them all humans first and then into mermaids though that’d be impossible for me to do#just because I cannot view Narinder as a human at all#so he would be the only one that’s still a furry LMAO#thx for listening to my 4am ramblings I’m gonna try and sleep now and see if I can dream of mermaids
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OK so I am like a day past completing the Ansur dungeon and it's been enough time to let my thoughts on it settle. Spoilers ahead.
For context, first playthrough with a basic tav. I'm a good way through act three and have finished a few of the pc quest lines. Minsc, Jaheria and Astarion are done. I have yet to get the hammer or do the house of grief but I have done sorcerers sundries. Also I haven't refused Ulder yet but it like the next thing I'm doing. Other context is that dnd is a huge special interest of mine. I've been playing for about 7 years straight. Both dming and as pcs and I have played under professional dms before. This does affect how I view the game but it's mostly postively.
Disclaimer, I haven't finished the game so there may be some stuff that ends up being done that I just haven't seen but the quest line says it's over and from what I've read online it doesn't seem like that's the case so.
So let's start off with the pros because I honestly have less to say there
As a dm I can and always do look at the dungeon design. Larian is genuinely really really good at this, and this dungeon is no exception. I loved the puzzles though a few could use some tweaking. They arent all great. But there's ideas there that I will probably introduce in my games some time. A chess puzzle especially is such a great idea. That was so cool and the fact bring gale along means you can get the answer free I'd you don't play chess makes perfect sense. Genuinely great.
I also liked the visual design. I had expected the appearance to be what I was starting to dub in my head as the "character development dungeon aesthetic " given that really in terms of design and function cazadors dungeon, the gauntlet of shar and the sorcerers sundries vaults are very very similar. But this one wasn't and I'm very happy about that. Give me some variety.
The Ansur fight itself, AMAZING. Great boss battle. I loved the hell out of it. I'd have to dig into the code to properly tell but it looked like they used a varient of the colossus fighting rules which while I've actually never run but I have been at tables where it has been run to incredible effect. They're good rules. I'm glad to see them used. It honestly makes me consider running them myself.
Last pro, on the face of it, I like the idea. I like the concept of wylls character development dungeon being about learning about the tenants of being a hero from one he looked up to. That tracks. It's a good place to take his charcater at least in theory.
As for the cons, it's mostly one but it's also a big one that has majorly pissed me off. Because Wyll is in my joint top 3 for favourite characters and they did him so fucking dirty.
I really really hated how they handled the twist with the Emperor. I don't dislike him as a charcater but I think it's at least to me pretty unambiguous that he's a pretty shady and morally grey charcater. Which is fine. In fact, it's actually a pretty interesting way to take Wyll's arc. That he looked up to this hero, internalised his mindset through the chambers and then learns that he was actually a pretty shady morally complex figure that doesn't live up to wylls expectation, that is a GOLD mine of character development. That is absolutely fascinating. Except, it doesn't do that. He barely even comments on it. Just says he's forged into a new hero by the trials while ignoring the person who set them is the very shady figure who has honestly fucked us over a lot.
You know who's another hero wyll probably looked up to? Minsc! And the Emperor is a real fucking bitch about letting him join the party.
This is compounded by the fact his good/bad ending choice rather than being a slow build up like everyone else where they get tempted by power and then have to turn it away, he instead just says "hey I could become grand duke" out of no where and then doesn't even need a persuasion check to get talked out of it like everyone else does.
So, I would be remiss without giving a way I'd fix it. So here is that.
Th ansur dungeon isn't given to us by florrick in the lower city. It's given somewhere else before you get there.
I'd recommend like, it being in a book or something in Wyrms crossing. The location is tied to wyll anyway. Maybe add in his childhood bedroom that he asks to go visit. You can put in some environmental storytelling telling that can expand on his complicated relationship ulder. Maybe the room is bordered up and untouched but when you get inside there evidence of genuine love.
When you get there you get the story of ansurs legend and wyll becomes obsessed with using this as a way to help save the city.
The ansur dungeon then gets basically left untouched. Twist and all.
But at the end of it, rather than just deciding he's going to become grand duke, it becomes a question. He can't become grand duke while Ulder is alive. And Bauldrian the great adventurer became a politician after wards. Give the Emperor a reason to not want ulder alive. Maybe Ulder risks not being able to defeat the elder brain in some way, and tie it into his reaction to Wyll taking a deal with Mizora.
Wyll is now conflicted. If his father dies he can carry on in both his and Bauldrans footsteps. Ulder left his child in command of an army before he was an adult. Can he really be trusted to take care of the city? Of course wyll loves him and of course wyll wants to save him but there's that doubt there. I have been reforged in to bauldarns heir. I could do a better job. I could save more people. He abandoned me. Why should I save him? If he breaks his pact this is also fed into by the fact it puts him at very active threat from mizora. It's not that prevelant. Wyll is wyll he's not that susceptible to corruption but a little bit of doubt, coaxed on by the Emperor is all he needs.
Then the lower city.
Make sure you have to get minsc before continuing his quest line. Have wyll have a reaction to the Emperor 's distrust of minsc. These are two of his childhood hero's fighting. Play that up for some drama.
Then saving ulder becomes the thing that either makes him the blade of avernus or the grand duke. He can either choose to not save his father, take on the title of grand duke and rule the city following in baulderans footsteps or, he can kill mizora and swear his life to killing demons as a the blade of avernus. . Later becoming a ranger just like minsc. Even give minsc a few lines giving him a pep talk about it. Maybe even having him explain that wyll need to be his own kind of hero taking the infulances he has from the past and learning from them to become a better one. If the pact stays he just remains the blade of the frontiers if he saves ulder but can become grand duke if he doesnt.
Then, have ulder apologise and then reconcile. Have wyll learn to actually recognise his father as a flawed man who hurt him but who is also complex. Maybe even have an option for if he chooses to fully reconnect their relationship or not.
The bones of a really really really good story are here. Please, for the love of God, larian actually tell it.
#baldurs gate 3#bg3#wyll ravengard#ulder ravengard#my one issue with my rewrite is that if you dont thread the needle wyll might lose some of his core paragoness#but also to me at least the bad endings arent about that#the bad ending are for chracyers not becoming their best selfs and i think wyll like#being tempted to the dark side by the fact that yeah he has always had good intentions and it has always ended badly for him#like its a justified read. that i think if he had a bit more self reflection he might get to#larian actually bother to write your one black companion with the depth he deserves challage seems impossible sadly#but like i can dream?#fuck it id mod this in if i figured out how#maybe i will lol#also side note but to menthis would fix the whole blade of avernus if you dont want karlach to die thing#because becoming the blade of avernus now is explicitly tied to wyll being able to protect the people he loves and believing in redemption#rtaher than it just being a throw away line of place holder pick wylls ending dialogue#i also dont think this is that ground breaking. it feels like something thats in the drafts somewhere that they just abandoned#wylls plot line feels so unfinished and he deserves sonmuch better#other thing i forgot to mention is the reason the twist pissed me off so much was that it took away from wyll#like i went into there so hyped for wyll quest and thennhe butts in and im just stood there like did i ask bitch its not your birthday
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Tw for lots of mental health stuff in the tags. Special tw for self-harm talk
#this last year hasn’t been great for me#in 2023 I relapsed into self-harm several times#I gave myself a lot of new scars and I’m afraid to wear shorts around my friends now#I can feel myself relapsing into my ed#like it’s slow but I see the signs#I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown at all times#it’s almost impossible for me to talk about my feelings anymore#I don’t remember the last time I was content#maybe everyone who hates me is right#maybe my partner’s parents are right about me#I miss being innocent and happy#but I have to think back so so far to remember that version of me#so far I don’t even know if they ever existed#am I destined to punish myself until I die?#was I cursed from the beginning to be either bad or unhappy?#fighting the urge to sh again currently#I need sleep so bad but I can’t#even when I do sleep I keep having bad dreams#I keep dozing off at the wheel#I’m afraid#but mostly I’m just tired and sad#I don’t want to hurt anymore#I don’t want to hurt *myself* anymore#I thought I was better#I am definitely not better#I don’t know what to do
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GOD I MISS MAKING AMVS. no way on this planet i would have time for one anymore unless i like. took a week off for it. lol. maybe i should.
#MAYBE WHEN I FINISH GINTAMA IT WILL NOT SEEM IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE MY MISS MURDER AMV OF MY DREAMS#<- honestly most of why i wrote it off is i assumed shouyou and takasugi would show up so often itd be hard to choose clips. lol. lmao.
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I'm still grieving the dreams I lost due to my disability and I just added another one
#ones id already lost: wanting to hold any job at all. wanting to be a doctor. wanting to be a gymnast. wanting to play bass#wanting to be a therapist (maybe still possible? this is due to my inability to hold any job but im still hopeful i may be able to do this)#i wanted to go to school... i can still learn things of course but its harder and there's no community#i wanted to learn everything. everything about plants and animals and quantum mechanics and languages#everything about history and culture and sciences. but i can't. i mean that was never a realistic goal of course#but I cant get as close to it now as i wouldve if i was healthy#the one i recently added is discovering my fingers have deteriorated so much that playing keyboard is nearly impossible#thats been a lifelong dream of mine... even drawing hurts unless i draw with my finger. i cant hold a pencil without pain#like im figuring things out. working through accommodations and making new goals#but that grief is still there and the wound is still fresh and sometimes it just feels like its growing and it will never stop#i need too much that i cant have. I have so few options#i really dont know what kind of future there is for me if my pain and disability is already this bad in my 20s
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back to the screenplay
#will the movie i envision ever get made?? like for real???? highly unlikely. but not impossible#its just every now and again i wonder if my dream movie is just that. and wont happen. which makes working on it difficult#anyway i spend too much time window shopping for vintage clothes every day i gotta get back to my story#actually what i should be working on is my sparkstember project#but i have severely lost interest and motivation for that#and unless i suddenly get a boost of inspiration and energy in the next few months i dont see it happening#what i conceivably Could do is just do my idea of like. an introduction video#which i was going to do in addition to a video for each day#but maybe ill just do the one and be like yay sparkstember is here im not gonna be doing anything tho. lmao#i guess???????? idk man#but back to the screenplay i looooove my story i love my characters i cant leave them alone for too long#and i just envision these scenes so clearly like the movie is there in my head. it just has to be filmed#its me and my screenplay against the world
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born to do a Saeko Only y7 run forced to be technically illiterate
#snap chats#we all know if i knew how to mod id make so many stupid masadai screenshots but not the point#ive been obsessed with solo runs for rpgs for a while so NATURALLY i wanna ask the question if each y7 chara can solo the game#i was thinkin of saeko specifically cause. 1.) love u 2.) in my first playthrough i primarily used her for support#though subsequent playthroughs obvi i switched her up to be way more offensive#the only chara you really can do this with is ichi and MAYBE adachi since. well ichi's obvious but adachi's the earliest accessible#'what about nanba' girl he LEAVES FOR THREE CHAPTERS#and ofc you only get saeko come chapter 5 - same thing for eri. not gonna even MENTION joon gi and zhao LMAO#so obvi i dream of a mod where you can swap ichi- at least for battles- for any of the other party members#if youve seen rpg runs that ft multiple members at a time then yk the plan is to just have everyone else block and do nothing#or get them ko'd as fast as possible. but obvi in this Mod Reality i would just have The One character to make it. awful LMAO#i mean me and other rpg enjoyers think y7's easy enough so why not the extra challenge#adachi gets the Can Also Do This Run pass since he's playable just about as long as ichi is#exceptions being of course the first chapter / beginning of second chapter and the first sawashiro fight / chapter 3#i already know people are thinking of the jima fight.... throwing up at that thought#honestly i think JUST them might make the challenge impossible#at least with ichi you have the poundmates but the others Id Consider to be out of luck#itd be fun imo to see how far each chara could get tho#beyond grinding i think youd HAVE to master perfect guarding not just for the jimas but ESPECIALLY for tendo#kiryu doesnt exist to me. apparently. idk he was a wash on my first playthrought but joon gi WAS the unintentional punching bag so--#anyway im almost done with this comm i just gtta shade it so bye
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Honestly in spite of my more "serious" disabilities dyscalculia is the one that consistently makes my life the worst and the one i wish there were real accommodations for
#zeke.txt#i have no intuitive sense of left and right. have to check my hands each time#any set of numbers beyond maybe 2 digits is super hard to scan#i consistently struggle with keeping my work schedule straight in a way i can tell does not inspire confidence in me#but literally just like. any list is so impossible to parse#ntm that my dreams of being a chemist were dashed by this but thats ok bc im a sci fi writer now
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