#maybe making out won't fix our problems but it probably won't make them worse

[doesromandoart]

not fixing each other not making each other worse but a secret third thing

[threepandas]

Bad End: Eve

You know how most Otome games are vaguely historical? Usually some non-specific mishmash of European countries? But fluffier and with more bows? It had once "gotten" to me, I think. I remember looking for outliers. Non-joke ones. Something that wasn't just "but this time with hats!"

I found one.

And now? Now I'm not sure if I curse that day or thank whatever force of nature lead me there. I guess... I guess it depends. Would I still have ended up HERE? If I had not found it? If so, then I genuinely and actually fucking rue it. Like... like actual "you'll rue the day! Bwahaha!" Type rue it. That's me. Ruing.

But? If it was always going to happen?

Then I guess...

I guess I'm weirdly glad. Because at least I have some fucking idea of what's going ON. Terrible, as it all is. Fucked, as the situation is. At least I'm not... not confused. Blind and at the mercy of those around me. Ignorance truely isn't bliss. All it does is leave you to try an fill in the blanks yourself. Usually with something far worse.

Not that the situation could GET much worse, by much.

I was in an Otome game. NOT a flower, high society, and dragons kind either. No. I? Was in a Dark Sci-Fi otome game. "Fate of man" was thrown around a lot. Power of luuuuv~ and such. Also, you know, HORRIFIC ethical violations. Human experimentation. Cataclysmic events and humanity "starting over".

All the high drama sci-fi concepts you could expect. It was a romp. Had good art. I'd had fun! Which is why I remember it so clearly.

Less fun when you're IN IT.

When you AREN'T one of the characters you KNOW will survive.

In fact, are one of the characters you know WON'T fucking survive. And will probably die MESSY. Horribly. Cause see, our BELOVED Harem collecting Protagonist? She? Was AN Eve. "AN".

Take a wild fucking guess what THAT project is about.

Did you say "breeding a better race of humans"? Ding ding ding! With humanity currently fucked, they want to FIX the problem by FIXING humanity. And of course, fuck ethics! Volunteers? Why use those?! Let's horrifically mad scientist our way to atrocity-ville! Make it all the more "God rightfully punishing us for our unforgivable sins" when we get wiped out!

Fffffffuck YOU, plot! I have to live here too!

You may, in fact, be picking up a slight note of stir crazy. A "wow, this lady rambles like a mother fucker" vibe. You would TOO, if you were stuck in a FUCKING TUBE. All I can do, day in and day out? Is wake, think, observe, then go right back to sleep. I can't even eat! I got a TUBE for that!

I... I miss showers.

Everything is GOO.

I'm an Eve. And if it weren't for the air tube controlng my breathing? I'd laughing hysterically until I died. And no, not in the "oh how funny" way. God. Oh... oh god. What a way to die. NONE of the Eves survive "the program".

Those IDIOTS are so OBSESSED with making bigger and bigger, better and better, FUCKING JUGGERNAUTS? That the Adams? Have long since reached the point of "mindless killing machine". UNSTABLE is putting it lightly. There is sexual dimorphism and then there's literal incompatibility.

But GOD FORBID the scientists admit that THEY are the ones with the inferior product.

It... it was even part of the game's plot. The scientist who made "Eve" HID her while HE made an Adam. I do not have that luxury. Somewhere, there is an unstable BESERKER being told I'm his "wife". That we're going to be HAPPY together. That he'll get to put his bruising, blood soaked hands anywhere he WANTS... just after he WINS me from the other Adam's.

Got to prove HE'S the best specimen, after all.

It makes my skin crawl. All I can hope, is that I can either provoke the bastard enough to kill me before they have a chance to stop him, or? I use my own enhanced strength to snap my neck. Maybe bite my tounge. Like HELL am I letting an Adam get near me.

The hiss of laboratory doors.

"Perfection at last..." Comes a relieved sigh. "All those HIDEOUS specimens. Why they make me suffer them, I'll never understand. We should have terminated them months ago. My poor project, they really think they're WORTHY of you..."

There's a derisive laugh. The scientist strolling into the lab I've been developing in, familiar. I watch him casually shrug off his lab coat and dump is bag. Hang his coat over the back of his chair. Turn, as he does each day, to STARE up at me. His eyes are a pale, pale purple the likes of which I've never seen before.

They're HAUNTING.

There is almost a red tint to them, though maybe that's the lights. The goo. I can never tell. He always looks ENTRANCED by me. Floating, visored, connected to far too many tubes an' wires. I'd think it was the fact that I was naked if it weren't for the way his gaze doesn't seem to drift lower then my shoulders. Seems more entranced by the way my hair moves, as though under water.

I've never once heard him talk about me lustfully.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't SCARE me.

"Let's begin, shall we? Time for your daily doses, mmm?" He says, voice dangerously affectionate. As though i had CHOSEN to do this to myself. As though he were merely reminding me of my morning medicine and not the hell ahout to come. "Going to be good for me? I know you shall, you always are."

He turned back to his desk, his computer. A few keystrokes... and I could feel the pod above me begin to hum, as it awoke. Oh god. Oh god it never got easier. From the corner of my eyes, bright chemicals slide down thind lines and into my veins. Like lines of lava. Bolts of electricity and pain. It was... AGONY.

My muscles seized. Brain screeched, first to the screaming I wish I could make... then static. With the long practice of daily pain, it took me far away. The click, click, click of keys. The sound of his voice, so terribly PLEASED, as I hung there and just TOOK it. No restraints, no strugging, no damaging myself. Just unbearable fire in my veins and a brain far, far away.

"Good girl~"

Distantly a phone rang. He made an annoyed sound, but picked up regardless.

"What. I'm in the middle of- ...Excuse me? I'm quite sure I did not hear you correctly. I said 'NO'. She's not-....I will NOT BE-...What. Are you out of your god damned MIND? That pile of scraps you call a project is coming NOWHERE near my-! ....you think you're clever, don't you?"

"Fine. You want to TALK? Let's TALK, Anderson. I'll be there in five."

From far away, past the pain, I watched him chance down at something at the screen. Back up to me. He hung up the phone but did not pause the program. Instead, calmly rising from his desk. Shrugging on his lab coat. Rounding the desk and striding towards my bio-tube.

"Hmmm, honestly, it should have been spaced out over a few more days... but you can take it. Endure a bit longer for me, would you, darling? Daddy's going to go deal with something for just a moment, he'll be right back, my perfect girl. Be good."

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to my tank. One hand splayed next to it like he badly wished he could touch. Could stroke skin. Hold his creation close. It was not the first time he had done this. Small, covetous, little actions like he wanted to crawl inside my skin and STAY there. Like he cursed the glass that separated us.

He pulled back. Shifted to the side and kneeled. He... had hidden something behind my bio-pod? When? Apparently before I had become aware. Because I had not known about it. A black shoe box. I watched him open i-GUN. Thaaaat was a gun! Fuck. Well at least? By the time anyone thinks to look in on me? The overdose will probably have killed me?

There is a cold, terrible smile on his face as he rolls to his face. Tucking the gun into an inner pocket. It has a silencer. He leans forward one last time. Lightly kissing the glass of my pod, as though heading off to work and not to very obviously kill somebody. The pain continues. Builds. I watch him leave.

With nothing to anchor myself on... time blurs.

I think? There are alarms? Red lights flash. Then they stop. There is shouting at one point. But then silence. An explosion? Or am I hallucinating? Pain. My nerves are on fire. I don't want to have SKIN. Please... please make it STOP! Calm foot steps? Come to kill me? Please come to kill me. Make it STOP.

The lights died a... time? Ago? Emergency lights on now. Generators in the room are loud. Why can I still hear the feet? Footses? Words. H..hurts. please.

Click.

The pain eases to a stop. Aching but nothing new. Over? Oh, thank god. I can sleep now, right? But... sound? New. At my feet. Gurgling. Wha-? The very top of my head feels cold. Then my forehead. Then my temple's and ears, cheeks, jaw... wait. Is? Is the tube...DRAINING? I open my eyes.

When did I close them?

He's back.

Standing right in front of the tube. Blood staining the hem of his coat, lingering marks of his massacre cleaned but not quite scrubbed from his body. There are little off red stains on his cheek, from what must be blood splatter. They look like tiny freckles.

I'm... I can't...

I reach as the tube down my throat is pulled almost carelessly away by the machine. Choke, suffocate, as the same is done for my air tube. But then it's done... and I can BREATHE under my own power. Gasp and splutter, as the goo sloshes around my knees. Then it's gone. And the tube I've been leaning my weight against is roughly pulled away.

I collapse forward, my muscles having never actually supported me in this life.

Arms catch me. Wrapping me in a possessive hug. A hand immediately burying itself in long uncut hair, even as the other wraps itself around my torso to lean me against his body in a cradle. My face is pressed to his neck by the hand in my hair, cradling my head and neck. I can feel breath against the goo wet crown of my head.

"Finally~" he breaths out, whispering it against me like a sigh. "My beautiful, perfect girl. My darling creation. It took so LONG. Those retrobates interfering at every turn, lusting after you like ANIMALS, trying to keep you from me. Then, worst of all, trying to toss you to some pack of savages? Oh, darling~ Daddy's been so worried for you."

"But we'll be okay now, won't we? I finally have you. All fresh and finally finished. My perfect Eve. You can pick any name you want, of course. You and I will be leaving this ugly little place. Daddy has PLANS. A fresh new world, just for you, sweetheart."

He laughed, his hug tightening in a way that would have left bruises had I been a normal human. Kisses were pressed to my temple. A cheek, rubbed against my hair. He seemed... seemed GIDDY with it. That nothing could stop him now. There was no glass in his way. I could not move yet. My muscles twitched when I tried, but that was it. I wasn't even sure I could talk yet, if I tried.

"Aaah~♡ Welcome to the World, Darling. My Perfection. My Eve. This time no snakes or Adams to tarnish you. To get in your way. Just you and your Father~"

"FOREVER~♡"

Next: ->

[bonefall]

Do you think the clan cats having less kits per litter/less litters in general (they already have less kits than real cats) would fix the bloated cast issue? Because I look at Ginga and the cast is also bloated and only a few characters have offspring but the author keeps making other dogs join Ohu and refuses to kill the old as fuck dogs

I don't think there's any one particular "solution" for stopping bloat in series that manage large casts through generations like Ginga or WC, it's actually a few things

The #1 MOST important thing I think about bloat, though, is that it's about a ratio of quality to quantity. NOT raw size.

A long while back I made a couple of allegiance lists for certain eras. In spite of my Clans having the same (or even higher!) population as canon, I NEVER struggled with those lists being bloated. If anything, sometimes if a Clan's below 30, they look too small.

(I'm sure you can find those lists if you look, they're probably tagged BB!Allegiance, but they might be a bit out of date)

That's because in BB, there's dozens of HUGE cultural additions to Clan life. In "administration," alone, there's 3 new major divisions of skills (hunting, cooking, construction) ALL with their own "head" of that patrol, plus canon's leader, deputy, and Cleric. Not to mention subtitles like the Educator and maybe a Chaperone/Permaqueen!

So to bring it back to that "Ratio Theory," If our Clan is 30 cats, those 8 major roles immediately give at least a slight amount of character to a little over 25% of our group, with each role being something that the other 75% of cats can desire and compete for.

Canon's measly 3 is 10%, and you can ONLY vy for deputyship if you want any power. There's nothing else to BE ambitious about.

You can make the ratio higher by having hobbies, drama, skills, arts, etc. Basically; characterize background characters! Which should be obvious!! Give them traits that are useful and interesting and show the community being valuable.

It won't feel like "bloat," it has the sense of communities living their lives. Even if they go quiet for a while, when they return (just look at how much people like seeing Sedgecreek or Hallowflight mentioned lmao) it feels like meeting an old friend again.

WAYS TO MAKE BLOAT FEEL WORSE;

Giving too many "opportunities" to old characters.

Think of every relevant role a cat gets as a meal, and the bigger the role the more they've eaten. If you're only giving value to your old fanfavs, you're not doing much for them because they're already full while the rest of your cast starves.

Haphazardly killing off characters.

I actually strongly resent the "trend" where people conflate good storytelling with an author's willingness to suddenly kill characters off. I think it comes from the same place as needing to "outsmart" your audience.

If you kill off a character with VALUE, an unfinished arc, interesting connections, it's just unsatisfying. The Erins have this problem of killing background characters with some established lore or value (like Harelight and Briarlight) while leaving uninteresting background nobodies behind that they never build back up.

Before killing a character, ask yourself what their role in the cast is, and their dynamic with others. Try not to axe them without a plan to fill that "role" and/or comment on their absence. Replace what you take.

EASY REPLACABILITY

This one is HUGE, this is why Ginga is so bad with this. If a bunch of dogs die, 100 random soldiers can replace them from somewhere. That is REALLY bad, because all the random influxes of new characters do not have a chance to replace what was lost.

It also makes death feel cheaper. Oh no! Background dog 7446 got eaten by the newest type of bear. This won't make battles harder to win or cause us to lose any valuable skills though. Also a new dog just walked in from offscreen.

Population Growth outpaces Death Rate

AKA your cast is growing too fast and you're not getting rid of old characters. This is what anon was asking about-- and it CAN help to make births less frequent and litters smaller. Make sure to pair with preventing lots of new, adult characters to casually wander in, too.

ALL of these tips have exceptions and places where they can (and should) be subverted and broken. But these are just things I think about

[sniperct]

What do you say to a person who's biggest gripe with the Democrats is that they also continue to hold a foreign policy that prioritizes American Supremacy (even if its a slightly nicer version) and can't find value in a party that is unwilling to let go of that?

I find this to be a bigger issue with my family members that have a closer tie to the old global south countries our family came from.

To preface this, for my own sanity I always try to look at things from a larger top down perspective, and from a 'what can be done with the way things are now to fix it or at least mitigate the harm' perspective.

This is hard one, and its a totally understandable problem to have. It frustrates me too so I can't imagine how much more it hurts people closer to it.

I believe its a societal and structural problem. US society itself is...out of touch for lack of a better term. They don't notice, don't pay attention, and are fed by a media more than happy to keep them distracted and content.

In other words, a huge chunk of the electorate has no idea the level of what's going on with the US and the rest of the world and worse, a sizable chunk of the ones that do? Are okay with it. And these are the most reliable voters.

But I believe this is a minority overall and it can be combated with information and getting it into the hands of everyone we can.

But we are seeing more and more voices in congress willing to push back on it but a big problem is most of those voices are in super safe seats. There's no risk to them, electorally, and many of their constitutions agree with them, so they're able to go out on the limb.

Politics is as they say, local. A senator from Montana or a rep from Alabama are going to have a lot harder time keeping their seats because the people who live in their states and districts are more conservative and at the moment there's just not enough voices to make the risk worth it to most of them. Even if they were inclined to lean that way, they may reason its better to keep their seat out of the hands of a republican who would be much, much worse. (like as much as I loathe manchin, he's still much better than the Republican who's going to replace him. Which tells you the bar we're dealing with here.)

There's so much inertia to work against, 70+ years of the US being a super power, that its like trying to turn a massive ship with a weak rudder.

But if they got enough calls, enough emails, enough letters, from the people who vote for them, then they might be willing to take the risk. This year we might get them to vote against something or for something good. Next time maybe it's someone who introduces legislation to make a change. In a few years maybe that legislation passes.

Democrats will at least listen and with enough pressure they'll bow. That's why campaigns to write letters and make calls are so important, we have to participate in our democracy.

But republicans won't listen to this. This is probably the one huge area where the choice is 'slightly better than status quo if we're lucky' vs 'actively make everything worse' instead of 'much better' vs 'actively worse'

[noa-de-cajou]

Idalia and Zuza belong to @soupedepates and Louis (mentioned) to @corneille-but-not-the-author

______

Aïcha dumped me.

I kinda felt it coming, to be honest. As soon as she asked me to meet up after class. We sat down in our usual café, and she told me she didn’t feel like this was gonna work out, that we were probably better off as friends, the usual breakup speech.

We lasted, what, two months? A month and a half? Longer than most of my previous relationships. We’re both aiming for an history degree and we bonded on a shared project about political relationships between muslims and christians. The only arguments we’ve ever had were about which period we were going to make that damned presentation on.

I’m sort of relieved, as usual. Maybe I'm a bit of an asshole for that, but the more it went on, the more awkward it got. At least she didn’t throw a fit, she didn’t storm out. We actually hung out after agreeing to stay friends and talked about french presidents and showed each other memes and it felt nice.

But now she went home, and I feel weird for some reason. I should be glad that I didn’t get any drink thrown at me for my lack of tears or that she didn't block me, but some of the stuff she said just won't leave my head.

I take out my phone. 5pm. Milosz is still in class. I don't want to go home yet if it's just to sit in an empty living room feeling bad about myself.

He doesn't even know I was dating someone. No one knows. Mid-september to mid-november and I didn’t tell anyone. I'm not like the rest of them, I don't like talking about my dating issues. They can ramble about their relationships all they want, but I’d rather keep mine private. I don’t owe them to anyone. I’ve seen what can happen to people who are careless enough to make everyone know about it.

The screaming and the broken arm and the hospital and the tears and the

Yeah. Anyway.

I’d much rather sit and listen to Bazyli’s misadventures with Kaspar, seeing Milosz pine or Bronya being all touchy-feely with Louis.

Or maybe you're ashamed.

…

I feel worse.

I open the family group chat. Andrzej is spamming it with deepfried memes again. There’s talks about Kamil’s upcoming birthday. Tobiasz sends pictures of him with his girlfriend, it's probably the universe giving me the middle finger. But apart from that, nothing of note. Nothing for me to fix or help with.

I need to be needed somewhere. Anywhere.

There has to be somewhere I'm needed…

Suddenly I remember Milosz saying something about forgetting his sweater at Zuza’s last time he came to help rearrange furniture. Every time I need an airhead, I can always count on him.

I text Zuza to ask if I can come by to pick it up. She replies quickly, “no problem”, and the weight on my chest eases a little.

I take the bus to the apartment complex, dial the code, ring the bell. Familiar gestures, almost automatic, comforting.

The door opens.

It’s not Zuza.

It’s her girlfriend, only wearing jeans and a sports bra, she's barefoot, how, it's cold as fuck today, her ginger hair going all over the place, and a beer in hand.

“Well, if it isn’t Streetlamp.”

Wow, another joke about my height, how creative.

“I have a name, Idalia.”

“I forgot it.”

“It’s-”

“I know your name, kid. Learn how to take a joke, will ya?”

I don’t like Idalia.

I don't like how she walks around Zuza’s apartment like she owns the place. I don’t like how she lays flat on the couch with her feet hanging. I don't like how she leaves her empty cans everywhere (and not just cans of alcohol, coke, lemonade, protein shakes??). I don't like her son, but nobody does. I don’t like her attitude towards me, like I'm some brat, even though I'm an adult and she’s only seven years older than me. I don’t like how loud she is. Anyways, I don't like Idalia.

“So, watcha here for?”

“Picking up Milosz’ sweater. He forgot it.”

“Oh yeah, that. Zuza washed it. It's on the chair.”

“Thanks.”

I go and pick up the sweater. It would be too short and large on me but it’s the perfect size for Milosz. It’s old, stained, falling apart a little. At least it smells clean, blessed be Zuza.

I can feel Idalia’s stare on me and it makes me uncomfortable. It's time for a painful attempt at small talk.

“It’s weirdly quiet today. Where's Dmitry?”

“Eh, he's at Tekla’s this week. You don't know how good it feels to be able to take a piss without a mini you attached at your leg.”

“As a matter of fact, I do.”

She raises an eyebrow, I groan as I fold the sweater.

“I have six brothers. The youngest is in middle school. Took care of them a bunch.”

It used to be seven.

“Ah yeah, I get that.”

I know. I know your family, my older brother went to school with yours. I know we had similar lives. Similar dads. Similar moms.

Shit, pure shit, all of it.

“I don’t have to do that anymore, thank the fucking gods!”

I grit my teeth.

Do you know how fucking lucky you are to be able to see all your brothers at any time

No you don’t, of course not

We're the exact same so why are you so fucking

Lazy

Irresponsible

Careless

You uncaring bit-

“... You good, kid?”

I let out a heavy breath. I open my backpack and try to make the sweater fit.

“Yeah.”

Idalia takes a loud sip of her beer. It makes me want to shove it in her face.

“I think I saw your brother, recently. The oldest, I mean.”

“Lucjan?”

“Yeah. Nice dude.”

Lucjan did tell me that he met her. He’s still friend with one of her brothers, I think. The Adamski and the Lupsowiec were always the problem children. Forges bonds, I guess.

He was surprised when he met Idalia again. She wasn't a girl when he knew her, apparently. He says she looks happier now.

She’s fucking loud about it

I envy her

I couldn't voice anything if I tried

I don't know how to tell anyone what I want

Even less what I am

“You're doing that face again. What’s wrong, Streetlamp? Got dumped or something?”

I freeze. She blinks, goes back into sitting position.

“Wait, for real?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“How come Zuza didn’t know? She knows everything about the dating shit in your little crew.”

“I didn’t tell her.”

Precisely because she repeats everything to you.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. It just didn’t work out. She said we were better off as friends and I think she’s right.”

That's not the only thing she said.

“You know, Simowiet, maybe you should do a little… self-reflection, or something. About yourself, I mean.”

I don't know what she means by that. I know I'm unlucky when it comes to dating. I've come to terms with it. It’s fine.

Maybe you just can’t love anyone properly.

I zip up my backpack. Idalia looks confused.

“Hold up, “she”?”

“Yeah, she. Her name’s Aïcha. Is there a problem?”

“No, but uh, I thought that you…”

“That I what?”

“Well… You know.”

No. I don’t know. That’s what irks me. That, and her eyes full of insinuations that I don't understand. She shrugs.

“Welp. Maybe you should stop trying to date girls.”

…

That's the most unsollicited piece of advice I've ever received and I live with Milosz.

“Thanks for the encouragement,” I reply dryly, “But I don't think you're the person to tell me that.”

“Why? It’s serious between Zuza and me!”

I know.

I just can't figure out why.

You're mean

Violent

Childish

Needy

No better than both our fathers

And yet Zuza’s still with you and I don’t get it because I'm not like you I'm nothing like you I'm nothing like him and yet it's working out

Why is it working out for you

and

never

for

me

Even though you’re a shitty person

…

Maybe

I'm

shittier

“Hey, it’s hard, I get it. You can sit down and talk if you wanna.”

“I don't want to talk to you of all people.”

… I said it out loud. She's looking at me. Her face twists into a snarl.

“Oh yeah? Why not, kid ?”

Don’t you dare

Call me that

In that tone

You're not my parent

You can’t even raise one kid right

“Because you're a fucking-”

Failure

And yet

The door opens. Zuza is looking at us with a raised eyebrow. Idalia doesn't let her talk.

“Zuza, tell your kid that yelling at me ain’t gonna fix his life.”

My cheeks are burning. Zuza looks even more confused.

“Did you yell at her, Simowiet? Did she provoke you?”

Idalia looks outraged at the suggestion.

“No I didn’t!”

I take a sharp inhale, bite the inside of my cheek.

Keep your cool

Everything is fine

You're fine.

“I’m just tired. Sorry, Idalia.”

Apologizing to her makes me want to puke, especially with how smug she looks. Zuza isn’t reading the room at all, which is probably for the better.

“Alright. Do you wanna stay for dinner?”

“No, I was just leaving.”

I don't want your fucking pity

“Thanks for washing the sweater, and I'm sorry Milosz keeps forgetting stuff here.”

“It’s no problem. I’d rather have that than Bazya stealing my stuff, you know.”

“Right.”

Because Bazyli is the only thing that keeps this whole arrangement together at this point

Maybe even our friend group

We’re always the leeches

I’ve always been the leech.

The thoughts are getting meaner. I need to leave.

“I really should go.”

“Sure, I won’t keep you. You're always welcome here, Simowiet, you know that?”

As if.

“Thanks. Bye, Zuza, Idalia.”

“See ya, Streetlamp! My offer still stands~”

I close the door like it’s the lid of my fucking coffin. It’s fine. I’m fine.

I take the way home, a notification rings in my pocket, you're needed, it's a text from Milosz.

“Hey, I'm on the way back from uni, is it okay if I bring Louis over? 🥺”

Louis. Just Louis? Not Bronya or Bazyli? That's unusual. I start to type a reply.

“Want me to leave you two alone?”

No. That's gonna make him uncomfortable.

“Why not bring the whole gang while you’re at it?”

No. Scratch that. I don't want an answer to that.

“I got dumped I'm not in the mood for guests”

… He’s just gonna be worried if I say that. He doesn't have to know.

“If you only need me to be your fucking housewife you could just say so”

What the fuck. No. That's Milosz. He’s my friend. My best friend. Why am I being so mean?

I hear Idalia’s laugh, “yelling at me ain't gonna fix your life”, how ironic coming from her.

“I don’t know. I was just hoping I could get some quiet tonight. Or talk to you. I had a rough day”

… Rough day. I just got dumped, it's not the end of the world.

Stop being so fucking whiny, Simowiet, get it together.

I stare at the text. I start typing again, slowly.

“Sure, no problem.”

And sent. Maybe the period at the end was a little too dry? Oh, fuck it, what’s done is done. The reply arrives quickly anyway.

“Yay! I’ll make dinner for us then! Thanks Sim you're the best 💖”

I smile. A little. He's adorable as always. And his cooking is good.

And you’re a hypocrite.

I put the phone back in my pocket and start walking again. Towards home, I guess. My home that doesn’t feel much like mine anymore.

Aïcha’s face comes back to my mind. Her hand resting gently on mine. Compassionate.

"Maybe you should do some self-reflection, Simowiet. About yourself, I mean."

And

"I’m worried about you, you know."

There’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine.

It’s just not my day.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Hurdles and Challenges

Wow. Sometimes the world goes to lengths to give me a break. Though honestly, it's kind of backfiring because apparently the world doesn't know me very well.

See, I was debating calling out today. It was nearly 5am before I got any sleep because the stress and worry and ... well, everything ... caused pain flare and migraine. I woke up before my alarm, feeling a little bit better overall, but still kind of crap. Still, I know that we're struggling a little at work and I'm off all next week so I decided to take painkillers about it and carry on.

Apparently the Small God of IT had other ideas, because there is currently a hiccup with our patient records system and it's not letting me log in. I've spoken to IT and this is not a me-problem; this is an IT problem and while they are working on it, they have no idea when it's getting fixed. Though I have to say, IT was a little stunned when I got on the phone to them and they started the, "Have you refreshed the browser?" thing and I went, "Refreshed the browser, restarted the browser, cleared the cache, restarted the entire computer, everything. Nothing worked". I get why they had to go through all that, but I kind of wish they'd looked at their notes before running me through the "A statistically significant percentage of end users are ignorant of anything beyond 'press button to do thing'" spiel. We could have skipped a whole part of the interaction that way.

Anyway, so I'm sitting here, wiggling my work mouse every so often and keeping an eye on my email client, and honestly getting shit all done. I could check the typing queue, at least, and that honestly isn't too bad right now ... though it's about to get worse because Goblin's going out to an appointment and may or may not be back today. (I hope she's okay.) The thing I said about the world not knowing me very well is ... well. I could probably take it easier, not worry so much about immediately knowing when I can get to work, maybe even say, "Maybe this is for the best because I feel horrible and could use a sick day" ... but I can't stand being forced to not do things. I get nervous when IT things are going wrong, because what if it's a huge problem that won't get fixed for days? I need to know when it's fixed, so I'm going to keep trying. Plus, if I'm honest, I am an ornery so-and-so and I only get more determined when faced with a set of hurdles between myself and a task - whether I need to do it or I just want to, I want to know I can.

On that subject, Veilguard. I woke up nearly an hour before my alarm, which means I'm running on maybe four and a half hours' sleep right now. But I figured since I was up, I'd check in on Veilguard. Now, it would have been nice if someone had warned me how long it takes to configure shader settings, but never mind - my early wake-up meant I still had some time to poke at things. From the looks of things, I can play it, at least in early stages. I might want to look at whatever invincibility mode the thing has, and will be careful to not stand near any cliffs just in case, but I've been making it through the prologue without too much issue. It helps that this isn't my "real" playthrough yet, mostly because between compiling shaders and figuring out the character creation thing, I didn't get that much time to actually play. On short acquaintance, though, I think the issue is mostly the visual noise, so to speak. So much is happening on the screen that it's hard to know what you're supposed to be focused on at any give moment. I'll probably get used to it. I'm not going to be seeking a refund, anyway - which is good because I barely have time to do so. If games are going to spend over half an hour configuring shader settings at launch, Steam needs to be more generous with its return policies.

So ... yeah. Today's been me dealing with the hurdles technology sets. Not entirely winning, but coping. I'll have another try at restarting my work browser just to see, and then find something to do. I mean, maybe I could even get through the Veilguard prologue on this practice character. (I don't even remember what I named them; that's how tired I am.)

[calicostorms]

4, 7, and 8 for nydha plsssssss

4: a letter from your oc to their love interest

In this case he has two, so I've done two.

[Found among Dorian's belongings in the library. It is a letter in a messy script with the scent of Embrium clinging to it]

Ma da'caron,

I wish I had brought you along to the Hissing Wastes. This place is rather unsettling and all the sand sucks. You always make it feel less serious when things trouble me, regardless of the problem in question. Other than the sand and a rather bad sunburn I am doing fine.

We've been slowly making some progress, but the creatures here are often hostile and odd. I've never seen something like it, apart from the occasional dragon deep within the forests, and those were rare. There's an odd chanter here that Solas says is a spirit; it gave me the heebie jeebies. At least closing rifts has gotten easier in recent weeks, I guess.

Your presence is sorely missed at my side every night, whether it's reading me those fancy books you imported to the Skyhold library or trying to stumble through learning elvhen. Your teasing in particular, I often miss in this weird wasteland while I am far from you.

We will return within several weeks from the receiving of this letter, or so says the agent I gave this letter to for delivery. I have squirreled away several pieces of jewelry which reminded me of you in anticipation of reuniting soon!

Dareth shiral,

Nydha Lavellan

[A letter from the Inquisitor on custom pale green parchment found on a small table beside the Inquisitor's personal guard, Rajmael. It is written solely in Elvhen.]

My loving protector,

Do not worry for me, my heart. Our companions are highly capable and the mission of no more danger than my previous ones. The sooner you are healed from your injury, the sooner we may travel together again! I know you will worry, but the gods will protect me from harm.

The healer (I forget his titles, I hope he will not be upset), Lark, gifted me several more healing balms than on my previous missions and I fully expect The Iron Bull will be enough for this particular trip. Thus far it has been uneventful, and I miss speaking elvhen with you. Dorian is lovely, but his elvhen is worse than any Dalish four year old's still, not to mention his accent. He has been trying his best to raise my spirits in your absence with partial success.

So far I have returned a widow's ring to her in exchange for an old bottle of liquor. I am unsure of if it is still good, but she was sweet to gift it. We have taken down several small groups of bandits bothering the farmers near Redcliffe in recent days, which was fun! I managed to freeze one solid, so maybe Vivienne's advice about ice magic was helpful. I've never been much good at ice magic.

Go with my favor,

Nydha Lavellan-Ghilain

7: Someone describing a time your oc hurt them

[A torn out journal entry]

—he fought me again today. He apologized once he was calm, but my face stings quite badly. I might have a black eye, but I will ask the healer to fix it so Nydha won't feel so guilty.

I know it isn't about me. He's scared and in pain and his family was massacred in cold blood. I'll protect him the best I can from his own grief, even if it means a black eye or two. [The rest has been torn away]

8: your OC's doctor/healer describing their injuries

Codex: A Healer's Logbook

[A log of various injuries and ailments sustained by Nydha Lavellan over several years. This is an addition to serveral previous, earlier assessments]

8th of Bloomingtide

His pain continues to worsen, regardless of the rest he gets, or lack thereof. The anchor is spreading slowly, though Solas and I have done what we can to stop it. Nydha is run ragged by pain, both physical and psychological, and often fails to sleep through the night.

15th of Justinian

He has a huge sword slash across the side from fighting at Adamant. It has surprisingly not been infected, though his attempts to heal it probably staved off some infection on the journey back. The tissue may not grow back completely, but he will live and it will not pain him.

17th of Justinian

Black eye from sneaking up on Sera to surprise her. He'll be fine.

26th of Justinian

He has gone through 3 more sleeping draughts just this month and often complains of pains. His usual hand pains seem to be worse on the left hand, and he rarely uses it if he can avoid it.

Note: ask Mellita and Revna if they know of any other solutions to his sleep problems.

1rst of Kingsway

Occasional bouts of incorporality with his left hand when getting closer to rifts. Does not seem to pain him extensively.

29th of Kingsway

Several bear clawmarks on his right leg, minor infection. The injury is fixable and he will be fine in several hours.

[void-botanist]

Memes for no reason

@kingkendrick7 mentioned being curious about Tatiana and also a big Tatiana fan (I mean who isn't I love her) and incidentally I spent several hours yesterday searching for enough text posts to make a meme that describes their dynamic (especially early on when they are not vibing). So here's Tatyabel:

Nicea taglist: @kingkendrick7 @kahvilahuhut

Image description below the cut!

[Image description: A Venn diagram of text memes for Isabel and Tatiana. In the left circle is a picrew of Isabel, a trans woman with light brown skin and long dark brown hair, with an intrigued smile on her face. She is surrounded by text posts that read, "im tired of explaining my thought process. im right. no i wont elaborate", "imagine some other guy evolving specifically just to annoy you. what the fuck", "you better shut the fuck up before I open a nature valley bar on your bed.", " 'fish fear me' I went to the lake and none of them knew you.", "i wish i could say '?????????' in real life it would be very useful", and "Unlike some people on here I don't have any weaknesses". In the right circle is a pen doodle of Tatiana, a trans woman with messy hair in a ponytail, wearing a big excited smile and a collar choker with a heart-shaped ring in it. She is surrounded by text posts that read, "if you're bored today might i suggest developing a little crush on me?", "Obsessed with going 'No… i shan't say…' when it's very clear what I shan't say", "me: (whispering) i really like you and want to kiss you lots them: huh? me: i said you suck", "invented a chess opening called the lover's gambit where you toss the pieces aside and start kissing your opponent on the table", "she's a 10 but she wants to stab me so that makes her an 11", "fight me gets on one knee pulls out ring fight me for the rest of our lives", "cute first date ideas: hand-to-hand combat", "won't lie to u bestie, i have been imagining pleasures of the flesh from time to time", "sitting here. unkissed. when will it end", "is being ignored a hobby", "i'm sorry i wiggled your skinny boyfriend like a sheet of metal. weeop womp weeoop womp weeeoop womp", "mutuals introduce me to your local ecosystem. I won't be invasive. I'll be very chill about it", "gay sex won't fix this. it'll probably make this worse. that being said don't you want to see how much worse it can get?", "I extend my hand like a mob boss and allow you to kiss my ring but when you lean closer you see it's one of those glo-in-the-dark spider rings you win at arcades", and "What doesn't kill me makes me gayer". In the overlap between the two circles are text posts that read, "a fistfight CAN be romantic. if youre fucking gay", "the first rule of fight club is don't get a boner", " 'what's the worst that could happen? I'll be TOO cool?' I say as I strap the rocket blasters to my heelys", "idk about you guys but violence is like my second resort", "shoutout to hedonism. get naked and eat cheese", and "maybe we can find out what the hell your problem is over dinner sometime". /End description.]

[bawwsadface]

an autopsy on a very dumb year

going to hopelessly attempt to keep this brief. but i will ramble anyway, so let's get into the weeds.

the fact that this year was maybe the best i've had since the 2020s started is more of a reflection on just how bad the decade has been so far than it is a positive blessing for 2024 on the whole. this year still sucked, but the sucking became a lot more bearable for me.

the big one

i turned 30 this year. still feels great. age is (for the most part) an arbitrary human construction. meant to give context to our confusing world more than anything. but with all the pain wrapped in the hegemony of reaching a specific age, i still found something worth celebrating in just getting this far at all.

it's been a turbulent time since i finished college and tried and failed many times over to start a life of total independence. much great love lost, many great challenges faced, some great truths learned through hardship. i've been telling my friends that i'm "escaping my flop era" this year. which i think is indicative of the kind of freedom that loving yourself affords. i continue to work on carving new neural pathways. and it finally feels like i'm getting somewhere in this great experiment of "working on myself."

for anyone who feels like you won't make it past your twenties, or that whatever struggles you're facing will destroy you or come to define you: you are not alone. and you will make it to the other side. people always say "it gets better." and i mean, it kinda does, but you have to be the one who makes it better. it will still feel bad, sometimes worse, as time goes on. but the change you have to make is to be okay with that. radical acceptance will save you. and so will talking to a health professional.

happy pills

2024 is the year i got back on SSRIs for the first time in a decade. i advise literally everybody do this. getting on them i mean, not stopping them for a decade.

despite finally finding stable work in this city, i've still been deathly stressed about being impoverished. it's hard to pay all my bills every month, and it feels like new expenses keep materializing from thin air to halt my life's progress. so as you might imagine a mentally ill person in my position would do, i developed a panic disorder this year. it wasn't fun! i spent most of the summer either not sleeping because i was having panic attacks or fending off having panic attacks instead of sleeping. pairing that with a costumer service job where i'm on my feet all day was absolute torture and i felt like i was going to break. so i decided to find a psychiatrist.

after some initial sessions, i started taking lexapro for the depression and propranolol for the panics. i also got on ritalin a short time later to do something about this ADHD warring inside me for the past 30 years. medication takes a second to get used to, but i feel like it's given me some semblance of a working brain. haven't felt this clear minded in a long time, honestly maybe ever? medication doesn't fix your problems, but it does make it easier to get up and start fixing them yourself. even if you don't have insurance or are broke, please get medicated. let the debt collectors worry about who pays for it.

you should be at the club

rediscovering that i love dance music was one of this year's rejuvenating miracles. i went to more random raves and club nights consistently in 2024 than i think i ever have in my life. and it has been just another piece of the puzzle in getting my groove back. turns out the dance floor is a good place to do that.

dance music is transcendent and will always accept you with open arms. but it is also full of the type of oxygen sucking attitudes and egomaniacs that make life unbearable. the exact type of thing the disco was invented to escape. probably the biggest net gain for me is learning to tune that bullshit out.

i've been DJing for 10 years. i've been a life long lover of this music and its scene and what makes it special. i know what i like and how to identify what interactions are just exchanges of social capital. keep that shit off the dance floor. just go for the music. take in the cool visuals. and make conversation with people who are feeling the same vibes as you. ravers are some of the friendliest people in the world. we could all benefit from trading kandi with each other more often.

also, i dropped another mix this year and it has been going criminally underlistened. please give it your time if it sounds up your alley. i'm really proud of how i can meld together extremely cracking rave tunes and i guarantee you haven't heard most of what's in here. come and av a go mate.

being angry can be a good thing

sometimes you just need to yell. the world can feel like it's falling apart and everything is breaking around you. and it can be all the more cathartic to just let the demons run free and scream your heart out. i mean how else are you supposed to dig deep when that stuff is in the way?

i don't advise being a bitter or spiteful person. but i do think being a hater can motivate you to do better. sometimes the fuel that keeps us going is forged in our passionate discomfort with and antagonism against the unloving world around us. and we can use that energy for good if we concentrate it carefully.

some of our greatest thinkers and most inspiring minds were haters of the most principled stripes. malcolm x, james baldwin, hayao miyazaki, steve albini. there is power in using anger and duress to create positive change. both internally and within our broken power structures. entirely unrelated, here's a graphic i've been cooking up since the election results rolled in.

a couple best of's and ins/outs to round it all out

best movies i watched for the first time this year

Where Does Your Hidden Smile Lie? (2001)

Belfast, Maine (1999)

Fresh Kill (1994)

August in the Water (1995)

Moe no Suzaku (1997)

best video essays i watched for the first time this year

Mecha and the Male Fantasy

The Answer is Not a Hut in the Woods

REFORM! (part 3 being the banger portion)

Landscapes are Poetic Cinema | Video Essay

Vonnegut's Board Game: Preservation, Annotation, Context

best albums i listened to for the first time this year

Glass Beach - Plastic Death (2024)

Dire Straits - Brothers In Arms (1985)

Death - The Sound Of Perseverance (1998)

Knocked Loose - You Won't Go Before You're Supposed To (2024)

Everything But The Girl - Eden (1984)

best experiences i had this year

spending a few days in a secluded cabin in the woods with my wonderful partner

going to my (second) favorite antique mall on my 30th bday

traveling back to the last city i lived in for a weekend and spending some time at old haunts

seeing foodman in a packed diy venue cut up the most insane beats i've ever heard

writing! i've really enjoyed writing this year :)

Out For 2025

driving a car

ordering takeout

bad shows with bad music at bad venues ran by bad people

AI, algorithms, crypto, and any other tech bullshit

Hawk Tuah

In For 2025

giving yourself the same love and patience you give to others

having difficult conversations

taking more trips even if you're broke

visiting the doctor and the mechanic

DJing in the city and making youtube videos

see yall in the blogosphere

[timeoverload]

I tried so hard to be in a good mood today but I failed. It was too loud and chaotic. I am so overstimulated and I feel like I can't calm down. Everyone was so tense. I was stressed before I even got into the building. I was crossing the street and I saw that the eye coordinator had texted me. She said she couldn't find a pan that I had processed last night for a specific case so I had to rush so I could help find it.

The morning team lead is making me and everyone else uncomfortable. He has a serious drinking problem and he comes in hungover frequently.

He has been making some very sexist and insensitive comments lately. He has no respect for women and doesn't think we should get the final say in anything or be decision-makers. He doesn't care about my opinion because he always has to be right about everything. He had a great performance review so now his ego is bigger than ever. I think he is on a power trip. He called me a bitch earlier but he said it was a joke. I didn't think it was very funny. There is a doctor who is from India and he doesn't like him because he was rude to him one day. He said something like, "well maybe Apu should go work at kwik e mart instead". He also made a terrible 9/11 joke to my co-worker who is middle eastern and that pissed me off because he is such a nice person and he didn't deserve that at all. No one deserves to be talked to like that. He apologized but that's not enough. That's not ok and he can't go around saying shit like that.

When he doesn't have anything to do, he follows me around while I work so I can't end the conversation. I just have to put up with him and be nice even when he says awful things. I have to avoid arguing with him since I'm stuck being alone with him in the morning.

He is overly critical of people and gets so upset when people don't do things the way he wants. He has to be confrontational about everything. He has problems managing his anger. He broke one of our big autoclaves by beating the shit out of it because he was frustrated that the door wouldn't unseal. That one is very old and it won't be in service much longer at this rate. The repair man came to fix it today and it's still broken even though he said it was fixed.

I am at the point where I feel like I need to talk to the director about what is going on because it's not ok. He's a 40 year old man and he shouldn't be acting like that. I am not sure if anything will change but I hope it gets better.

Unfortunately his negative attitude put me in a sour mood today. I shouldn't let anyone get to me like that. I said some things I shouldn't have said because I was stressed and I feel bad about it. I'm pretty sure some of the techs overheard me and I think they were upset. I was definitely being an asshole. I just need to learn to shut my mouth sometimes. Hopefully they don't hate me now.

I don't want to think about work anymore right now. I hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow. I have a lot going on this weekend and I wish I didn't. I'm frustrated because I got 4 gifts to donate last week but obviously our plans fell through so I couldn't bring them in. It is very unlikely that I will have time to do that tomorrow and I feel bad about it. I still plan on donating them but I guess I will have to take them somewhere else sometime.

My eyes hurt and I'm so ready for my appointment tomorrow. It would be nice if I could pay to have my glasses made more quickly because this sucks. I'm also not super confident about driving in the dark right now but it's always dark when I leave in the morning and when I come home. I am doing my best. If my vision gets any worse, I might have to ask my dad to take me to work because I don't want to get in an accident.

I think I need to get off the computer now. It's difficult for me to focus on the screen. I think I also need some quiet time because today was just too much for me. I will probably go to bed soon because I'm exhausted. I don't want to feel like garbage when I wake up but I probably will anyway. I don't have much else to say at the moment.

I don't want to be negative right now. I know I complain a lot and I'm sorry. I just need to talk about stuff because it's bothering me and I don't know how to deal with it. I really hope tomorrow is better. Thank you all for listening to me vent. It helps a lot. I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

[falseapostle]

"Alright, calm down," Haruto raised a hand offered soft gestures to help soothe her, "I can answer you but how about I take it all one at a time? Mm... First of all, it has been my experience that whether a former parent wants to meet their child or not is a... Very unpredictable scenario. It depends highly on the reason why they released you from their custody in the first place, and even then it might depend on the circumstances surrounding that reason. Say your birth was... accidental, to put it bluntly. In that case, they may not care to see you at all because they never wanted to have a child in the first place. Or let's say that financial issues were the reason they had to give you up. In that case maybe they would like to see you again, but they don't know where you are or are afraid of what you might think of them. With something like your species... I would assume your parents hold those traits themselves, but if they do not, there's a chance they feel the way you fear. There's an equal chance they gave you up because they knew they didn't have the ability to care for you the way you needed to. You won't know until you see them face-to-face. But if they don't want to see you... Well, that's their problem. Not yours. You cannot help what you are. You were born this way, it is not a sin. You should not feel guilty for existing."

Better to get that out of the way right out of the gate. Whatever she was feeling, she needed to know that there was at least one person that would support her. To make her feel like she belonged in this world regardless of what she was met with. Biological parentage could be a complicated thing, and even he had difficulty with that concept despite knowing both of his parents all of his life. The position Nunnally was in was surely far worse.

"When I say 'protect the city', I merely mean that anything you could do to harm our living citizens and their way of life is nothing I cannot hide or fix in some way. They generally are not meant to know about the supernatural, but I think I probably don't have to tell you that. I can't have you casting magic in front of them or exposing the fact you are not human to them. If you were to become involved in battle, I should have you know that you cannot let them see it. But if you cannot avoid it, I can keep them safe. When it comes to your soul... I can almost guarantee you that you have one. Your soul is at the core of your being, and you wouldn't be able to keep a physical body without it. Or at least, that is the way both humans and the dead exist. Furthermore, I have felt all this time that you do have one. If what I have been sensing on you is not a soul, I would very much like to know what the hell it is."

Shifting back to himself now, though this conversation was more uncomfortable. He knew he wasn't obligated to explain, but he wanted to do the best he could. If he could help convince her of the power of change in a person, then maybe she could start working a little more to be independent herself.

"Now, as for my own personal experience... When I did what I did and was punished in the way that I was, I was stripped of a considerable amount of my power, cut off from a great many of my peers. I could make it back to where I was, but it would exhaust me to do so, and seeing as how I also have duties to attend here at all hours of the day, it is hardly worth the trip. Furthermore, I know they will not forgive me, nor are they obligated to. I manipulated and tortured them, and they have every right to keep their grudge against me. There was no excuse for my behavior. Understand... For one in my position, it is a common practice to strip yourself of all emotion. Though it is usually maintained as a punishment, I chose to undergo this practice regularly as a show of my devotion to my betters. I... reached a point in which I was no longer promoting into higher positions. My operation was solely to earn their praise and a promotion from them. To be more like them, I had hoped. At the time, I did not remember or consider that I loved them. I did what I did as a selfish act. But as I interacted with them, I remembered my heart. Realized I loved them. At that point, it was far too late. But the growth did happen."

“W-what do you mean by protecting the city?” – Nunnally was not sure what Mr Abe meant; how could he protect anything or anyone from the powers she was caring inside? Even she couldn’t always control it even if "it" was supposed to part of her. And despite everyone had always claimed she could do that – “Do you think they would want to meet me?” - she suddenly changed their conversation back to her little mission.

“Do you think they would want to meet me? Even if they left me because of what I was?” – what were the chances they were the creatures like her? More probable they left her for the very reason that she was not normal. That she was cursed – “My hope is they would be able to explain…explain to me…what…why…” – and if they didn’t? Her whole purpose suddenly started to make no sense. Most likely she was an aberration. A mistake that often occurs in nature. But what should she do now? Was there anyone that could help her?

“And…if I don’t have a soul…?” – she didn’t (or at least she believed she didn’t), but it was difficult to spell it aloud – “Why? Why can’t you find the people you hurt and ask for forgiveness…”

“If…if you are so powerful, it should be possible…?”

“Love and empathy…” – she suddenly repeated – “Why would you hurt someone you love…?”

“Not that I am not doing the same…” – though was she? But what was she left with? Coming back?

[under-sedationnn]

the arcana: main six reacting to injured! reader

anonymous: Could u do m6 reacting to mc coming home injured? I want some hurt/comfort >:))

Warnings: talk of being injured, blood. if that bothers you or tiggers you in anyway, please scroll away! i want this to be a safe place, only :)

thanks for the request anon!! i hope you enjoy!! <3 requests for the kissing prompts and physical affection prompts are STILL OPEN. please send them in with the character of your choice (which could be any character from any series i write for) and i will create an imagine!! thanks and happy reading!!

- tries his very very best to stay calm

- you can see panic bubbling under the surface

- faust is on high alert

- slithers around your shoulders and squeezes you for a hug

- "friend! hurt!"

- doesn't immediately ask what happened, just gets you to a comfortable place to be cleaned up

- then, and only then, will he brave to ask what happened to you

- or who did this to you

- wipes the blood from your skin with very gentle swipes

- winces when you wince, and apologizes profoundly

- "Y/n, how did this happen? i thought you were just taking a quick trip to the market."

- "i fell in the market, tripped over a stone"

- "and nobody helped you?"

- in this case he's disappointed with the bystanders, but does not become angry

- in a situation where someone hurt you?

- oh god

- "Y/n, how did this happen? i thought you were just taking a quick trip to the market."

- "yeah, well, somebody had their eye on the same apple i picked up. somehow, though, they managed to push me to the ground and steal it from my hands."

- i don't even think he would know what to say

- and asra is not really the type to march out into the streets of vesuvia and seek to challenge the one who hurt you

- but he would certainly hold a grudge against whoever it was if he did find out

- and would feel absolutely awful about letting you get hurt

- his mind would race about the possibility of losing you again

- because he simply can't handle it

- and what if that person had been particularly violent or malicious? what if you had been taken??

- you'd have to comfort the hell out of him to make sure he knows that you're okay

- "asra, hey, i'm fine! i can handle myself, you know that"

- "you're right, and i know you're right. it's just hard"

- "it's still hard for me, too. the market still makes me a little nervous and i got caught a little off guard, is all"

- that would make him feel better

- would finish patching up your wounds and would make sure to bring you to julian the next day if they were too bad for him to fix or needed stitches

- would also create a special brew to help with the pain and ease you to sleep

- "why don't i go down to the market tomorrow?"

- "why? so when you pick a fight over apples, i can pay you back for all of this high quality medical treatment?"

- "well of course, surely you didn't expect all this tender love and care to be free" *wink*

- panicked doctor mode enabled

- immediately begins checking you over, asking questions

- something tells me it would be a head injury of some sort

- "oh darling, what happe- you're bleeding!"

- "julian, i'm okay! it's just a little scratch"

- "no no no you might need stitches, come sit down. i'll go get my kit!"

- there's really no use in arguing

- he has cold ass hands, so he tries to warm them up before he begins suturing the wound

- tries to be gentle, and his expert hands move quickly without any snagging

- "so, how did this happen?"

- his voice is literally trembling

- "well, i was in the clinic grabbing the list of ingredients we need for our next grocery trip and there was a puddle of... something on the floor. i slipped and hit my head on the corner of your desk"

- immediately thinks it's his fault

- like "oh shit i should have cleaned better that could have killed y/n and then what would i have done-"

- doesn't necessarily voice this, but you can tell by the silence that follows that he's feeling really guilty

- would kneel for you, head on your knees

- "y/n, i am so sorry"

- "juli, it's really okay, i should have watched where i was going"

- "i'll make sure to clean better from now on, okay?"

- would guard you throughout the night in case of concussion

- nurse juli <3

- but let's say someone had put their hands on you

- would patch you up the same way, and apologize profusely for not being there with you

- tuck you into bed and fetch mazelinka to keep an eye on you throughout the night incase of a concussion

- would most definitely be self destructive and seek that mf out

- maybe not successfully, but would try his hardest

- "i'll be back in the morning, get some rest"

- "I can find them myself if I want to, you know"

- embarrassed blush

- because he KNOWS you can take care of yourself

- "of course, but right now you're hurt. as your partner, i will do what must be done on your behalf darling"

- probably shows up the following morning with battle scars of his own

- the guards found you in the garden, passed out in the maze

- blood trickled down your arm, a large gash marking your bicep

- ran you up to the palace and immediately to the medical wing

- them]n nadia gets word

- the calm, collected queen act disappears

- abandons anything she's doing, anybody she's talking to

- "we will finish this at a different time, i have more important matters to attend to"

- she is so worried and it's honestly adorable

- very much giving "where tf are they?" energy

- god i love her so much

- anyways um

- asks the nurses over and over what happened, if you're okay, etc.

- watches the physicians and nurses like a hawk as they clean the wound and suture the cut

- and they're so intimidated lmao they never come face to face with her literally ever

- brushes your hair back from your face as they do so

- holds your hands

- would demand that you be brought to her sleeping chamber

- so that's where you wake up! how cute

- she's laying beside you, her brows furrowed

- maybe even her eyes are a little hazy

- "y/n, sweetheart, do you remember what happened?"

- patiently waits for your answer, you're still a little groggy

- you were either attacked by an animal and passed out from the fright

- or you were attacked by an armed person and was knocked out

- either way, the guards are on it

- nadia isn't letting whoever or whatever did this get away without a fight

- the palace is meant to be a safe haven for you

- for the both of you

- "well, don't you worry, we'll take care of that"

- you try to sit up but she won't let you

- "oh no, you must stay down, y/n. you are possibly concussed from the fall"

- "oh okay, sorry"

- "is there anything i can get you?"

- the countess of vesuvia, serving you in your time of need

- "just some water would be nice"

- "of course, i'll have some brought up right away"

- i literally feel like he would just start crying straight up

- cause like he has some problems anyway

- he big sad boi

- and you coming home to the hut bleeding from a gash in the arch of your foot is not helping

- picks you and carries you to the bed without a word

- just starts examining the cut

- inanna is also very concerned

- she licks the blood from the cut, she's trying to be helpful

- meanwhile muriel is stumbling around the hut looking for anything to stop the bleeding, disinfect it, bandage it, anything

- but he's not the best about keeping that stuff in stock

- keeps looking back at you with worry in his eyes

- he doesn't know what to do

- "muriel, let me see if i can contact asra. maybe he or julian can bring me a salve. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna need stitches"

- low-key makes him feel worse

- cause he feels like he's unable to care for you and keep your safe

- even tho this was just an accident

- he's breathing really fast, his anxiety creeping

- agrees anyway, but goes to get them himself

- "i'll be back soon, just keep this piece of cloth pressed against it"

- cause you're bleeding like a lot

- inanna stays behind

- he returns very quickly with julian in tow, though he doesn't look happy about it

- leaves the hut without another word

- julian gets to work immediately

- "so, you cut your foot i see"

- smartass.

- "yeah, muriel always tells me to put on shoes when i walk in the woods but i love to feel the grass beneath my feet"

- julian chuckled at this

- "and i'm assuming you, what, stepped on a rock?"

- "...yeah, sliced it right open"

- after julian is done cleaning up the cut, he tells you to just stay off of it for a while and make sure it doesn't get infected

- once he's gone, muriel trudges back into the hut

- "muriel, baby, it was just a cut it's not a big deal"

- but his eyes look hurt, and you beckon him toward the bed

- "hey," your hands on his cheeks, "i'm okay, really"

- "sorry, i just got scared. blood is still a trigger for me and since you got hurt in my woods, i felt like it was my fault"

- "muriel, of course it wasn't your fault"

- he really needed a hug

- after this instance, he made sure to keep medical supplies in the hut and you promised to try and wear shoes in the woods more often than not

- "i'll try my best to be more careful. deal?"

- sweet lil smile

- "deal."

- "oh my god, y/n, what the hell happened??"

- you were tending the garden

- without her supervision

- and the garden sheers might have sliced into the palm of your hand

- deep

- brings you over to the sink and runs water over the cut, covering it with a towel when the dripping blood had been washed away

- girl is on the move

- cause she knows what to do! love that

- low-key a main reason why julian managed to live as long as he has

- pepi is curiously perched atop one of the counters, peering down

- finds her personal first aid kit she had stashed in the bathroom

- guides you over to sit on the counter while she tries to figure out what to do

- "damn, you really cut yourself, y/n"

- "sorry! i think i just got a little carried away"

- she giggles at that, though she is still worried about the fact that it won't stop bleeding

- gently wraps the cut in gauze and adheres it together

- places a kiss to your fingertips

- "all done! no more gardening for you!"

- "hey, why not?"

- "well you don't want that cut to open back up again and again, do you?"

- "no"

- "alright then," she smiled, moving to put away the first aid kit again, "and we're going up to the palace medical wing first thing tomorrow morning to make sure it's not infected"

- eye roll

- "yes ma'am" you mocked

- even though you know it's just because she loves you

- "but since you got hurt, you want me to bake you some cookies?"

- "only if you let me eat the dough!"

- good god do i love this man

- but he is so self-absorbed it's actually insane

- and I feel like he wouldn't even notice at first

- cause he's too focused on himself

- gazing into the mirror without a care in the world when you walked in

- "y/n, thank goodness you're home, how do you feel about these pants?"

- you just hobbled to the nearest seat, hand resting over the gash on your knee

- mercedes and melchior were lazing across a rug at the base of his mirror, their attention set on you

- "u-um, yeah, they look good"

- literally just trying not to bleed out, over here

- "good? oh really, now, y/n don't they look amazing?"

- "yes, they look ama- ow, damnit"

- then he turned around

- immediate shock and worry! oh no oh no y/n is hurt!

- mercedes and melchior walked over first, whining as they took in the cut, brushing around the edges

- lucio raced over, squatting down in front of you, and began examining the cut

- "hey, hey, what happened?"

- "i accidentally tripped on my walk in the garden and scraped my knee on the cobblestone"

- he was lightly touching around the cut, gauging how sensitive it was

- when you flinched he stopped, looking into your eyes with a soft "sorry"

- "i think i need to go to the palace infirmary"

- "oh there's no need, i can take care of you!"

- you were not convinced he could take care of you, at least not well

- "uh, lucio, are you sure?"

- he looked slightly offended, at that

- "you know, y/n, i did fight in battles at one point. i have not only tended to my own wounds, but the wounds of others, as well"

- you giggled at the thought

- "much to your protest, though, i'm sure"

- he moved to the small cabinet of medical supplies in the ensuite to your bedroom, returning to your side with it in hand

- "at points, but i don't mind helping you in the slightest"

- for all of his antics, his soft side was enough to make you fall in love all over again

- and although i know he would take care of you in literally any situation, i can't say for certainty that he would stick around and place nurse lucio for long if a person had hurt you

- attacked you

- much like nadia, the guards would be sent out without a second thought, lucio leading the pack in the search for you aggressor

[van-zieksy]

Hello again! I don't even remember why I deactivated receiving asks on my blog, I fixed that now 😅

I didn't see the complete Dracula Musical either, I just found the songs on Spotify by coincidence and enjoyed a few of them.

Sadly I never saw Thomas Borchert on stage and Munich is far away from where I live and I don't really see an opportunity to go there in the near future.

Back to TGAA: Of course Barok doesn't really fit the role, the Dracula thing is more about the aesthetics than anything else for me too, plus just a fun thing to think about, like I mentioned an AU where he...either is evil or gets possessed by something evil, who knows? lol.

I probably won't make a fully fledged AU out of any of this, but maybe I'll draw a little doodle with him and Kazuma singing when I feel motivated.

And I really like your idea with Barok and Kazuma as a vampire hunting duo!

Now I imagine a silly scene where Kazuma is careful to be stealthy while Barok can simply walk into a group of vampires they are hunting down who just go like "that guy looks like he belongs here, I don't see a problem" 😂

Nice! That means I can now send you asks.

Woah, a possessed Barok sounds delightful. I'm very much into seeing characters possessed. They make for some of the most interesting bosses in video games because we have to but do not want to fight them. They are people we care about and want to bring back. I've actually written something similar a few months ago and how we have to fight a possessed Kazuma in a Castlevania x AA crossover (here we go again lol). So yes, I love that idea!

Your last paragraph made me laugh so much! :D Haha, yes, Barok could very much go undercover in a vampire hideout without arousing too much suspicion. Now, if they can smell that he's a mortal though, then that could be an issue, but let's assume they are not capable of detecting this. Barok the Trojan Horse. Excellent.

While Barok distracts the vampires, Kazuma is stealthily incapacitating (not killing...yet) them out one after another. I actually am in favour of them having found a way to ensure vampires don't rely on blood anymore to survive, so the vampires have a choice if they want to receive the antidote or not. If they refuse to let go of their ways, continuing to bring harm to people, our two vampire hunters have to fight them. The ones who decide they want to change their ways, well, here our hunters have a choice: spare them, administer the antidote and essentially trust them to abide by their pledge, or take them out just to be on the safe side. I love moral choices, also in video games. Of course an antidote that turns them back into humans works, too, but in a different way.

When they find Stronghart, Barok and Kazuma fight him at first but then convince him to accept the antidote because they a) realise he's suffering in his own way and b) they want Stronghart to live. Having to live knowing that he's killed innocent humans but his life has just been spared by the very human he inflicted much harm on (i.e. Barok) is greater punishment than allowing him to sleep permanently. Maybe even someone like him can become a better human being (well, vampire being lol) and start doing good for others. They'll definitely keep a close eye on him in the future.

Barok and Kazuma also understand that everyone is allowed a choice and that most beings (mortal and immortal) should be afforded a second chance in life and have the option to change their ways. They don't just kill, which would turn them into even worse beings than vampires, who actually only kill to survive (with a few exceptions, like big boss Stronghart).

Vampire/Dracula infused into DGS/TGAA would be such a delight.

Whatever you may end up doing, if you decide to draw or do something else, I hope you'll keep me posted.

Thanks again! :)

[colourful-void]

Supporting Satoshi - an examination and comparison of JN36 and XY121

Part One: Snowballs do not cure depression but it was worth a shot

You know that episode of Pokemon where a gym leader beats Satoshi in a battle so hard that one of his pokemon gets mildly hurt (though there's no long term effects) and because of it he becomes depressed, closing himself off from his friends before someone comes along to pull him out of that mental state, and also severe weather phenomena is involved and a reflection of a persons mental state? Or rather, the two episodes?

So when I was watching Journeys, I noticed an episode that had a similar-- but distinctly different-- plot to an xy episode I had seen before. And what was particularly interesting was that while I couldn't stand the xy episode, the journeys episode was one of my favourites. I won't drag this out for you guys, I love the journeys episode and re watch it a LOT and the xy episode sort of just leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. and don't go claiming its solely ship bias, because i saw the xy episode first and disliked it then.

This will analyze both of these episodes, comparing them against each other. Specifically within the context of how Goh and Serena both help Satoshi through a similar situation There will be some discussion of AmourShipping and Satogou in this analysis. I'm going to be a bit negative regarding Serena's actions and the potential "romantic" weight of them here, but I want to be clear that I Do Not dislike Serena as a character. Personally, I wish the writers had given her more room to grow outside of her romantic interests, but I do not hate Serena as a character. I do, however, disagree with her actions in this episode. Please don't take this out of context and dont be ship fighting in the comments, it's boring. This is a comparison of These Two Episodes, not of Goh and Serena and their respective ships as a whole.

This part mainly focuses on the xy episode and the second will focus mainly on the journeys. It's only divided into parts because of the tumblr post limit.

(If you like the xy episode or hate the journeys episode, awesome! having your own opinions is great. these are mine though, so i hope you'll listen to them)

With that out of the way, let's start. And I'm going to use mostly japanese names here because I'm taking screencaps from the subbed japanese copies.

The set up for each of these episodes is eerily similar as pointed out in the gag at the start.

Xy has a bit more set up before the episode in question though, with the initial loss and retreat into the forest by Satoshi taking place the episode before. The episode opens up proper with Satoshi taking time to breathe to himself, alone in the forest.

Emphasis is placed on him taking a deep breath, aided by the visuals showing them (thanks cold air) and the silence of the rest of the soundscape, with the only other sounds being the wind and some bird pokemon, plus some falling snow.

Journeys Satoshi starts off in a better mental state than Xy, with the episode starting off with him jogging along with his pokemon.

However, we can still see that he's been affected by the last battle he lost, against Saitou, as he's putting a lot of effort into training and doing better.

Which, doesn't go well for him, as he loses his next two battles as well, and drops in the World Championship ranking as a result

And he's pretty upset about it too. Same thing as over in xy. In both cases, a respective friend/love interest notes that Satoshi is upset and expresses concern.

He's got support from his friends in both situations! But that support comes across in very different ways.

But, to understand how that support manages to affect Satoshi, we need to understand the problem at play.

Now, I wanna make something clear here. Satoshi's problem is not that he is a sore loser. I'm not arguing that's not a contributing factor, or that he's not upset about the loss (particularly in the world championships), He's still bitter about the lost part, but the root of the problem is not losing, he's been shown to be fine with losing (if not a bit more motivated to win now) in prior episodes.

Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt, because they're losing battles. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are losing battles because he's not training them well enough. And to clarify, that's not my viewpoint, it's his. Satoshi's problem is that he's not good enough for himself, and he feels that that's something he has to fix on his own.

So how do we help him?

Our weather event in question is introduced in separate points in the episodes, but I'll cover them both now.

In xy, it's this snowstorm, which conveniently becomes a problem directly after Serena returns to the Pokemon Centre.

In journeys, it's a sandstorm! That's in near direct contrast to a snowstorm! Incredible.

Heading back to xy Satoshi, things aren't going great in the forest. Luckily, Serena's run off to find him.

I think it's of note here that Serena runs off with the best intentions, she wants to help Satoshi, plain and simple. It just sort of goes wrong along the way.

It's worth noting that Xy Satoshi tries to bring himself out of being sad by the tried and true method of "stop being sad"

Despite telling himself this, he doesn't get anywhere. Which makes sense, because it's not getting the the root of the problem. It's not even addressing it at all. He's just trying to 'be better', which isn't even a battle strategy. However, it is something I can see him saying, so this isn't a critique of Satoshi's thought process, but me pointing out that this isn't really effective. Which is supported by the narrative, because again, he doesn't get anywhere, he doesn't even move.

I can't show it in screencaps but the lights in Satoshi's eyes are shaking here, something that they consistently do throughout the series when he's feeling a particularly strong emotion. Keep that in mind. It couples well with another trait of his, and that's his hat!

And by that I mean how he hides his eyes with the brim of it when upset, something he does exactly as Serena shows up and calls out to him. Now, he's not upset that Serena is here. He's upset about the pokemon stuff still. He's trying to hide the fact that he's upset from Serena.

Serena starts off with her speech well, trying to appeal to Satoshi to let her in and talk things out. And maybe it's because he wasn't ready for it yet, or because of the way she phrases it (a lot of 'i' and 'me' language which can be helpful but can also come across as though she's making it about her. not her intent i don't think, but a possible interpretation.), it's not her fault for how Satoshi reacts regardless.

But how Satoshi reacts is not good.

Now it's really interesting to note that before this, Serena was standing while Satoshi was sitting, putting her above him in terms of active power, when it comes to how the shot is presented, but when Satoshi stands up, the camera tilts with the movement so that they're on equal level. Neat!

And Serena yells in return, scolding Satoshi for not talking about it. Not the best move, since pushing someone to talk about something that's upsetting them isn't really productive, but she's trying here and she's frustrated.

Satoshi continues to withdraw and self isolate, claiming it is his problem and that he wants to be left be. Now, this is the mindset of a clearly upset person and isolation may not be the best option, but he did make the explicit request to be left alone here.

He's clearly upset as he turns away from Serena's eye and slumps over a little.

And then Serena throws a snowball at him.

Angry as he is, you can see Satoshi's expression change when he sees Serena's reaction.

Serena tells Satoshi that she's not like the Satoshi she knows, who is always full of energy and positive and a leader, and a bunch of other positive traits. The problem here, is that Serena's looking at an idealized version of Satoshi. And while the intent here was probably meant to be something more like "you have so many wonderful traits about you I know you can do this", coupled with the snowballs and the phrasing, it seems as though Serena is scolding Satoshi for being sad.

Or rather, being angry with him for not living up to her idealized version of him, and not wanting him to express any negitave emotions.

Which is sort of a really bad mindset.

The snowballs continue, never once does Satoshi fight back. In fact, he stops arguing entirely after the first one. Serena knocks him off his feet and tells him he's not being himself, before running off. (In the english dub, Serena claims that Satoshi isn't being "the real satoshi" and then demands that the real Satoshi be "given back", so it could be worse)

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up. Something like this just isn't like him. He's just gotta stop being sad!

Now personally, I really disagree with the idea that "being upset" isn't "like a person". That's because based off of my own experiences, I know it can be really damaging to hold the mindset that any negative emotions you feel aren't a part of you and that you shouldn't be upset because you're usually a positive and happy person. Not the case with every person, but I personally really have a problem with shows telling children that they just shouldn't be upset instead of processing their emotions in a meaningful way. (The journeys episode doesn't do an outstanding job of it either, but this is a bit of a tangent anyway. A show that does do this right is "OK KO! Let's be Heroes" which actually deals with this problem in greater depth and does a fantastic job of it.)

But the snowball scene ends here. Now I'll get back to Journeys in a moment, but since Serena has finished her part of the comparison for the most part, I'm going to summarize a bit more of the xy episode.

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up.

The snowstorm kicks in, Serena get back annoyed, then similarly groans and yells, and the whole xy gang + pokemon go running off in search of Satoshi. Pikachu appears the most concerned.

Now Serena tells the others she lost her cool and said something horrible to Satoshi, but explains its because Satoshi is someone she admires. Cool motive, I get it, still kinda bad.

and in the end, it's not Serena's words that get he message across to Satoshi. The solution to this problem was Satoshi finding a way to reaffirm his abilities and instinct.

In the xy episode, he helps some pokemon out of the tree, and when his very cool frog friend shows up, they're able to work together with their bond to save this one from falling off a cliff.

Here's the point. Satoshi learns by doing, by actions. He needs to see first hand that there are ways of getting past his problems, and that it's worth having the courage to keep going. The lesson is about valuing pokemon as equals and partners, and specifically that trying to be better as the trainer alone isn't going to help.

This is essentially where this plot line ends, team rocket is there for a bit as well but as much as i love them they're not relevant here, and some fun stuff with the league, love it not important right now its like 3am and I'm not sleeping until this is finished so we gotta keep things moving.

This was no doubt Serena's intent to get a similar point, but she goes about it the wrong way. She tries to convey this with words, as conversation and motivational words have helped her in the past (Elle's words of praise stick with her, Satoshi's words from when they were kids, etc). It's a good idea, but their different ways of learning and growing from a similar situation are incompatible, and that's why things don't work out in Serena's favour. There's also still the problem of "pulling yourself together" not being helpful in this case.

There's also a very similar line in this scene to the one at the end of the journeys episode, as Satoshi says to his frog that they should start over from scratch. It's essentially the same phrase with different wording. It's great. The Storm ends as he realizes this as well! Wonderful in terms of pathetic fallacy.

The gang all reunites, its nice. Satoshi thanks Serena for what she said after apologizing to everyone, which contradicts what he said earlier but I've already established that I dislike this message here so I won't go over it too much. I guess he's right in a literal sense in that in response to her words he went and ran until he tripped off a cliff but the emotional growth here was because of his own actions (and the frogs), not Serena's. Sorry Serena, you'll get em next time.

This is essentially where this plot line ends, team rocket is there for a bit as well but as much as i love them they're not relevant here, and some fun stuff with the league, love it not important right now its like 3am as I write this so we gotta keep things moving.

So. What about Goh?

Well...

(Part Two here on account of image limit!!)

[thessalian]

Thess vs The Least Restful Non-Working Day

So that was my day. My day was stupid.

Spent a couple of hours trying to coax a little bit of typing out of the mess of the "central network problem", whatever the hell that was. Managed three, just because the connection kept dying. Eventually logged out and, rather guiltily, went off and ran my errands - mallet meds, mostly. Aat least I didn't quite feel the need for the BIG painkillers.

(Side-note: the mallet meds are co-codamol. The BIG painkillers, for me, are Paramol, which is technically co-dydramol. The BIG painkillers work better in general, but are also way more expensive. So there are a lot of reasons that I'm generally happier when I don't need the BIG painkillers. Not needing the mallet-meds? Well, that's not an option, but at least I only use those at night. My GP is reluctant to actually write me a prescription for this stuff as long as I can manage on the OTC dose, which is fine. Still really wish there was an option to get medicinal marijuana on the NHS, though. I mean, it's legal, but it's one of those things that the NHS almost never offers to patients. I could go private for it, but it's complicated and expensive. I'll probably do it one day, though - it'd be way better than a codeine-paracetamol combo.)

Anyway, came back, switched on the machine ... couldn't log into the remote desktop at all anymore. Emailed the colleague I asked about this situation in the first place, asking if there was an update; got told "it went from bad to worse". By then it was a half-hour to my regular end time, so I just thought, "Fuck this". Let them know I was going to log off for the day and see how things look tomorrow, since I didn't see them fixing things before my regular close of play and sitting there attempting to log in over and over and over and over and over again was driving me batshit.

Four reasons I said I'd see what it looked like tomorrow:

I still had some items in my personal queue before the whole thing shut down. At minimum I have to move those back to the main queue, because we're not supposed to leave things in our personal queues. Just because if we do, no one knows they need to be typed and if we're away for awhile, no one can access them and they get to be late. I just didn't have the option to move them back before everything went tits-up.

The typing queue was already a mess because at least some dictation got done before this mess started.

The typing queue might be even worse, because I have no idea if the doctors' computers were working or if they had a workaround, so they could theoretically have spent all day dictating, and at 300-odd reports a day on top of the 360 or so that were already there? Erm. Yeah.

If they couldn't get any dictation done - or hell, even if they did - odds are good that folks are coming in to do more work tomorrow. As a "getting ahead of things before the holidays" situation.

I'm still not giving up my Sunday or Monday. I'm still not giving up my two days of annual leave just before Christmas. However, I refuse to come in on Tuesday to the kind of mess that I know for a fact will await me no matter what. Best case scenario? There's still 360 bits of typing in the queue. Worst case scenario? We're pushing the 900 mark by Monday. That cannot happen. We are not coming back from that without me spending the holiday period on overtime.

I tried so hard to keep Saturday free. I really did. And we'll see. Maybe if it's a best-case scenario, I'll only have to do a couple of hours. But odds are pretty good that I'll come in to 600 bits of typing and have to spend the entire six and a half hours I would have spent working today making some dent in it.

I wonder if Goblin will do the same.

(I bet she won't.)

Anyway, I wouldn't mind so much if I'd actually had a real break today. But I don't call "attempting to log in all day long with little to no success" particularly restful, even if the attempts were made while I was reading, or playing games on my phone. Still, I'd feel bad if I just didn't try at all for most of the day. If I'm going to work overtime on Saturday, it's going to be overtime, not "makeup work because the main server's got the integrity of a soggy biscuit". Even if no one's watching, I want to feel like I tried. I also wanted to know right off the bat when things were working again, because I was pretty sure that no one was going to email me with updates.

In more cheerful news, my mother went to North America awhile ago and picked me up more Sour Patch Kids. (Yes, I know they have them here in the UK, but again - the texture of both the gummy and the sour-sugar they're dusted in are wrong, and strawberry and blackcurrant do not replace cherry and raspberry for me.) This was just before the mess of overtime started, and we didn't get around to setting up a drop-off, but my stepfather dropped them by to me when he was finished with today's work on the other flat. So I may not have Saturday Shenanigans D&D, but I have proper Sour Patch Kids to have when my Sunday D&D session rolls around.

Gods, please, let this get better in the new year. This entire month so far has been a mess.

[beingdreeyore]

Last night he told me that my fears were correct - he didn't block me because of his feelings for me, he blocked me out of fear she would find out and that would damage their relationship. She monitors his phone usage now. He tells me we can be friends again - she says it's okay! - once their relationship is more stable.

(Because that's obviously what I'm dreaming of, right? I'm ready with a pink glitter pen in hand to excitedly mark our first brunch date as a trio in my calendar...)

And I probably said that to him too because I was an unedited version of myself. I wasn't the kindest person. I was angry at him because he is so miserable right now and he's adding to his pain. I was angry with him because I just want to help and he won't let me. Which is an odd reason to be angry, but I suddenly fully appreciate how angry my dad gets when I have a problem that can't be fixed. You just want to improve things for the other person and it's made worse by knowing that if they weren't being such a dumbhead you actually could help in some way. So I was angry. And I'm beating myself up a lot for it this morning.

Listening to him, it was one contradiction after another, one jumbled thought that randomly jumped to another. It was a bit like watching a ship being tossed around on rough seas. But it would be so easy to course correct. So easy to steady the ship. There are still going to be some rough seas to navigate given what his family have been through, but it's the choices and actions he's consciously engaging in that are making a tough situation even harder than it needs to be. He doesn't need to be in as much pain as what he is creating for himself.

And at times it seems deliberate. I don't understand it.

I held true to what I believe though and that is that he isn't allowed to be that awful to me. He is allowed to grieve and maybe act out, but he doesn't get to rope me in and drag me down with him when he has no intentions of keeping me around.

If he needs a friend from a distance, I can be that. If he needs me to fade away into a memory, I can do that too. If he needs to schedule in a talk for a limited time each week to process stuff, then I will pick that pink glitter pen back up and grab my calendar. What I can't do is be the person he reaches for to save him and then get treated like some sort of criminal for checking if he's okay after. My ability to tolerate bullshit and my capacity for forgiveness are not infinite.

I thought I would feel worse today than I do, but I mostly feel numb. That usually means tomorrow will be the harder day. Tomorrow when I have my next specialist appointment... It's okay, I'm just so disappointed in it all. I sometimes wonder if there's a part of him that wants me to hate him. If maybe he thinks that will be easier. If all of this is intentional.

It's only 11am and I've had to remind myself on repeat that I can't eat my feelings. The reason I got fat last year was because we were always "breaking up" and I was eating my way through it. No one can survive that many "break up" binges in a single year. This year can't look the same. So I'm mostly deep breathing. I'm drinking tea, which I hate. I'm practicing Loving Kindness for both of them. I'm grateful today is an ADO and I don't have to deal with anything I don't want to.

I hope it's easier to navigate this time. I hope it isn't as ugly and messy for me this time. I hope he's okay and he gets the help that we both know he needs. I just want him to be happy and even without what his family has gone through, even if you remove that, right now I think he is so far from happy.