#maybe just fucking around and finding out by picking wrong rock type (very sharp). like health issues after smoking in teen age

[cloud-ya]

he was forced to eat obsidian when he was 6

[hintofelation99]

Kate Babysits

Bruce: Kate I have an emergency.

Kate: What's up Bruce?

Bruce: A sorcerer put a deaging spell on the kids and-

Kate: And you need my help tracking down the sorcerer? No problem I-

Bruce: Actually I was going to see if you could babysit while I figure this out.

Kate just glares at him: Why can't Alfred babysit? Or your Justice League friends? Or, maybe, just maybe, you could hire a fucking babysitter!

Bruce, sighing: Please Kate, just stay back and babysit, please?

Kate: ...fine, but just remember I have no idea how to entertain kids, so if anything goes wrong it's on you.

Bruce, rolling his eyes: Sure, what's the worst that can happen?

-> 30 minutes later <-

Kate holds a two month old Damian as she looks down at a 4 y/o Duke, 5 y/o Tim, 5 y/o Steph, 6 y/o Cass, 6 y/o Jason, 11 y/o Dick, and 12 y/o Babs.

Kate: Okay kiddos, remember what auntie Katie taught you, no shooting in the house or at eachother.

Hands the kids guns.

Babs: Miss Katie, are you sure this is a good idea?

Kate: Of course it is swe- JASON! You will not try to shoot Tim! And stop chasing him before- Oh no...

Tim falls down the manor stairs, knocks out his front teeth. Kate shifts Damian to one arm and runs to the now crying Tim, picking him up and holding him on her hip, she checks him over.

Kate: Oh fuck! Bruce is gonna kill me!

Steph: Fuck!

Kate slowly turning to look at Steph: ...no

Steph, runs away yelling: FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

Kate: Shit!

Dick, opens his mouth

Kate: Don't you dare! Go swing from a chandelier or something.

-> 5 minutes later <-

Cass: F- fu- fuck!

Kate: What?! How??

Steph, looking very proud: Cass and I played school and I taught her a new word!

Kate: Why would you-

A loud crash comes from the foyer.

Kate: shitshitshitshit.

Sees Dick on floor, mostly unharmed other than some bruises and a cut on his hand from a sharp metal edge on the chandelier.

Kate: What did you do?!

Dick: You told me to swing from a chandelier!!

Kate: It's called sarcasm!

Babs, sticking her tongue out at Dick: He's only 11, and my dad says that sarcasm is for adults. Like me!

Kate, looking unimpressed: How old are you?

Babs, looking very proud: I'm 12!

Kate: Well, that sucks because sarcasm is for 13 and up.

Babs looks offended and Dick sticks out his tongue at her.

Kate, shoves Damian into Barbara's arms: Take this, Tim I'm gonna need you to let go so I can bandage up Dick's hand.

Tim, now speaking with a lisp: Noooooo! I'm still sad!

Kate: Tim, please.

Tim just sniffles and gives her puppy dog eyes.

Kate: Fine! I can do this one handed.

-> 10 minutes and one bandaged hand later <-

Kate: Okay Dick, this time you stay near me.

Dick immediately treats Kate like a jungle gym and climbs on to her shoulders.

Dick: Okay!

Kate: Oh my god you're heavy, aren't you a little old to be carried?

Dick: But my hand hurts too much to walk!

Kate, rolling her eyes: Okay okay fine. At least I can still hold the baby, now where did Babs go?

Now with Dick on her shoulders, and Tim on her right hip she walks into the study to find the entrance to the batcave open.

Kate: Shit!!

Kate runs into the batcave and sees Cass practicing with all the weapons while Steph runs in circles around her. Damian has been placed on one of the lab tables near several tubes of acid, fear toxin, cuddle pollen, etc. instead of watching Damian Barbara is typing something on the batcomputer. Duke is still yelling fuck, but now he's also playing with a flame thrower.

Kate, picking up Damian with her left arm: Barbara stay away from there! Steph, Cass, come here right now! Duke, do not play with fire! Wait, where's Jason??

Looking around frantically Kate sees a holding cell. She puts Dick and Tim in there while she goes to catch the others.

Tim: Nooooo!!!

Kate: Dick, your brother is sad, give him cuddles!

Dick immediately pulling Tim into a hug and soothing him: Okay!

Kate takes away Duke's flamethrower: Do you know your abc's?

Duke, looking offended: Of course I do! I can write my name and all my abc's and-

Kate, pulling out a pen and a pad of paper: That's great, show me everything you can write.

Duke nods excitedly and Kate ushers him into the holding cell with Dick and Tim. She gives him the pen and paper, Duke starts to slowly write his name and the alphabet. Kate grabs Steph and Cass.

Kate: Hey Stephie?

Steph: Yes Miss Katie?

Kate: Duke is trying to learn how to write big words, and since you're such a good teacher I thought you could help!

Steph nods excitedly and immediately follows Kate into the cell to help. Kate picks up Cass and leaves the cell, locking the door on her way out.

Kate: Okay, Babs, what are you doing?

Barbara: Playing a video game.

Kate looks on the screen and sees that Baba has accessed the watch tower security cameras and is repeatedly turning alarms, lights, weapons systems, etc on and off. Superman and Green Lantern are freaking out while frantically searching for an invader.

Kate, nods looking slightly concerned: Okay, you have fun with that...

Kate runs upstairs to find Jason, after looking for an hour she finds him twirling a gun and reading a book in the library.

Kate: Wow, I guess somethings never change.

Jason looking up: What'd you say?

Kate: Nothing. Hey, where's your old DS?

Jason: Upstairs in-

Kate: Sweet, show me.

Jason: But I'm-

Kate: Show me now and I'll give you cookies.

Jason: hmmm... okay!

-> After grabbing the DS <-

Kate: Okay, grab all the books you want and follow me to the batcave.

They walk down to the cave and Kate puts Jason in the holding cell with Duke, Steph, Tim, and Dick. Jason is completely unphased by the others surrounding him, instead of addressing them he starts reading again.

Kate: Hey Babs, come here!

Babs: I'm in the middle of a game!

Green Lanterns screams can be heard coming from the speakers.

Kate: Wouldn't you rather play Cooking Mama?

Babs turns on all the alarms in the watch tower, turns off all the lights, and activates all major weapons before taking the DS and playing with it in the holding cell.

Kate: Uhhh, okay Cass, what do you like?

Cass looks at her confused. Kate looks around and sees a knife on the table.

Kate: Here, play with this, just keep it away from the others.

Cass happily walks into the cell while twirling the knife. Kate sighs in relief as she locks the door. She starts to sit down when Damian starts screaming.

Kate, rocking him: Shhhhhh, okay, okay. Uhhhh.

Damian starts flailing around, occasionally he's able to pull on a lock of her hair. She holds him at arms length and continues to rock him, this time it's more awkward due to her arms being completely extended. She sets him down a training mat to find something to sooth him. When she looks back on him he's giggling and gnawing at the handle of a sword.

Kate, shrugging: That works

-> 2 hours later <-

Bruce walks into the cave to see Kate asleep on the training mats, 2 month old Damian beside her chewing on a sword, and all of his other kids entertaining themselves in a holding cell that contains several knives and guns.

Bruce: KATE!! Did you give the kids weapons?!

Kate, opening her eyes sleepily: Wha-? Oh, yeah, couldn't find any toys.

Bruce: ...Next time I'm calling Roy.

Kate just shrugs as Bruce opens the cell door. Steph and Duke come running out, chasing eachother. Cass follows the two timidly. Jason keeps reading. Dick awkwardly carries a sleeping Tim. Bruce smiles takes Tim from Dick.

Bruce, as Tim slowly blinks his eyes open and yawns: Hey Timm- What happened to his teeth?!

Kate: ...uhhh, gotta go!

[buckybarnesdollface]

First One Loses

Summary: Bucky and Reader have to make everything a competition, to the point where it drives the rest of the team nuts. But can their competitiveness lead to something more than the sexual tension between two frenemies?

Warnings: Smut, Female reader 

          “Ha! I win!” I exclaimed, jumping up from the couch excitedly as the Penguins scored the winning goal against the Rangers in overtime. The scowl on Bucky’s face was dark, and the others rolled their eyes. I grinned as I held out my hand to Bucky. “C’mon, Barnes, pay up. My team beat yours, you owe me.”

           “I hate you,” he grumbled as he dropped a crumpled twenty-dollar bill into my palm. I stuck my tongue out at him as I pocketed it, and his glare intensified.

           “Do you two have to make everything into a competition?” Steve sighed.

           “Yeah,” Sam agreed. “We can’t enjoy anything anymore without you two turning it into a game that turns into a fight. We’re just gonna start excluding you from things.”

           I shrugged. “Maybe if Barnes wasn’t such a sore loser…” I pointed out, and Bucky shot up from his armchair.

           “You know what, (Y/N) –” he started, but Steve hopped up and placed himself between us before it could escalate.

           “Enough!” he ordered, using his authoritative Captain America voice. “Now, we were going to watch a movie, but if you two can’t grow up long enough to do that then you can find somewhere else to act like children.”

           Bucky scowled. “I can behave, it’s her you should be concerned about,” he muttered, and I rolled my eyes.

           “Oh, shut it, Barnes,” I snapped, and then I turned to Steve with a sugary-sweet smile on my face. “We’ll be on our best behaviour, Stevie, I promise. I’m just gonna go grab some snacks and drinks while you boys pick out a movie.”

           With one last smile I headed out to the kitchen. I had just emptied a bag of tortilla chips into a bowl when Bucky stalked into the kitchen, blue eyes narrowed into slits.

           “Next game, fifty bucks,” he snapped, and I snorted.

           “Oh, honey, when are you gonna learn that your team never beats mine?” I taunted as I pulled a jar of salsa out of the cupboard. “If you want to win at something, maybe pick a different game.”

           “I’ve beat you at plenty of things,” Bucky shot back. “For instance, you’d never win in a one-on-one with me.”        

           “The hell I wouldn’t!” I cried. “I’d kick your ass, old man.”

           “In what universe, doll? The only reason I’m not proving I could beat you is because maybe I’d feel slightly guilty if I hurt you.”

           I barked out a laugh. “The only reason I’m not proving to you that I’d win is because I don’t want to embarrass you in front of the guys. Imagine how it would look if the Winter Soldier got his ass handed to him by a girl.”

           “Don’t call me that,” Bucky snarled, eyes dark as he fixed them on me intensely. I bit my lip, meeting his eyes with a challenging gaze.

           “Or what…James?”

           What happened next happened in a blur. Suddenly, Bucky’s vibranium hand was around my throat as his large body trapped me against the counter. His grip was neither tight enough to cut off my air supply nor leave bruises, but it was enough to remind me that he could very easily crush my windpipe if he wanted to. For a split second I was paralyzed, afraid that maybe I had finally pushed him too far. Ever since we’d met our relationship had consisted of trying to best each other at almost everything while getting under each other’s skin, but it had never resulted in anything more than banter. But now, as my breaths quickened and my heart hammered against my ribcage, I feared I’d crossed a line.

           So when Bucky’s lips crashed against mine, my eyes widened in shock. He tasted of iced tea and his hand on my throat was cool, and it took a moment before I could gather my senses enough to shove him away from me. He released his grip on my throat but didn’t step back, his body still dangerously close to mine.

           “Barnes, wh-what are you doing?” I stuttered. His eyes were still intense as they continued to hold mine.

           “What’s wrong, (Y/N)? Did you think I was actually going to hurt you?”

           “Of course not,” I scoffed, but Bucky shook his head with a smirk.

           “I could feel your pulse, doll; your heart rate spiked,” he murmured. “So either you were scared, or you’re a lot filthier than everyone thinks you are. Which one is it?”

           Bucky’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t do something to me. I shouldn’t have even entertained the thought; I should have pushed past him and taken the snacks to the common room so we could watch the movie with Steve and Sam. But ever since I’d met Bucky there had been unresolved sexual tension between us, and my curiosity to see how he planned to resolve it outweighed my ability to make good decisions.

           “You don’t scare me, Barnes,” I said defiantly, and with a grin Bucky’s lips were back on mine. His hands found my hips as mine clenched at the front of his black t-shirt, backing me up against the counter, and when my teeth grazed his bottom lip he growled into my mouth.

           “I had a feeling you were the type of girl to like it rough,” he breathed, hands on my hips tightening. I tugged at his shirt to pull him closer to me.

           “Are you telling me you’ve given this some thought, Barnes?” I taunted. His lips were hot on my throat as I spoke. “Do you think about me at night while you’re lying in bed and can’t sleep?”

           “You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it, (Y/N),” Bucky replied as he nipped playfully at the shell of my ear. “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”

           “Oh, you mean the disgust?”

           Bucky laughed. “You can use sass to deflect all you want, doll; doesn’t change the fact that you’ve thought about this as much as I have.”

           He wasn’t wrong. I’d thought about what it would be like more often than I’d like to admit even to myself – Surely with a body like that, it wouldn’t disappoint. I only smiled demurely, though, fingers closing around Bucky’s belt buckle to pull him closer to me.

           “A lady never tells,” I murmured. Bucky’s smirk was wicked.

           “I don’t see any ladies here.”

           I rolled my eyes as my fingers undid his belt buckle and then popped the button of his jeans. “Shut up for once, Barnes,” I growled, “so we can do this before Steve and Sam come looking for us.”

           Before I could get my hand in his pants, Bucky was lifting me and sitting me on the cool marble countertop and standing between my legs, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief. “You’re such a romantic,” he taunted as his hands rubbed up and down my thighs. I huffed.

           “Fuck you, Barnes.”

           “That’s the plan.”

           Then his mouth was back on mine, hands exploring skin under shirts as tongues fought for dominance. When we broke apart to catch our breaths, I grinned mischievously.

           “How about we make this interesting,” I suggested, and Bucky cocked a dark eyebrow.

           “More interesting than us hooking up in the kitchen where anyone could walk in on us?” he said, fingertips grazing the skin just below the cup of my bra. I suppressed a soft moan and flashed him my brightest smile.

           “First one to make a noise loses.”

           I watched as Bucky’s eyes went from widening in shock to narrowing as a slow grin spread across his face. “(Y/N)…” he murmured, squeezing my hips playfully. “What will the stakes be, though?”

           “If I win,” I said, “you have to do all my paperwork for a month.”

           “Deal,” he said, more quickly than I had expected. I arched an eyebrow.

           “That easy? Wow,” I said, almost cautiously.

           Bucky’s smile was a mile wide. “And if I win,” he murmured, “you go on a date with me.”

           I blinked, thinking maybe I had heard him wrong. But his smile never faltered, bordering on smug as he watched what was sure to be an entire rollercoaster of emotions on my face. Finally, I shook my head, confused.

           “I’m sorry, did you say a date?” I asked incredulously. “Barnes, are you messing with me?”

           “Not at all, doll,” he replied. “If I win, we go out on a date. I get to pick the time and place. Do we have a deal?”

           “A date.” My head was still reeling. Bucky’s hands on me had stilled, and although his smile was still playful his eyes were serious. I pursed my lips, unsure of what game he was playing at, but finally I exhaled a sigh and nodded. “Fine. Deal. Game on, but only because I know I’ll win and I won’t have to worry about it.”

           Blue eyes sparkling, Bucky captured my lips in another hungry kiss. My hands were back at the waistband of his jeans, fingertips dancing along the skin of his abdomen and as his muscles clenched under my touch I grinned into the kiss. Tugging down his zipper, I slipped my hand into the denim and palmed him through his underwear, delighted with how large and solid he was. I could feel his sharp intake of breath as his lips briefly stilled against mine, but no noise came out and my brows furrowed together in frustration. Hand slipping past the cotton of his boxer briefs, I gripped him in my hand, marvelling briefly at how hot and heavy and velvety-soft yet rock-hard he was, and then gave a few experimental pumps.

           Bucky’s breath came out ragged and his hands on my waist tightened in a bruising grip, but still no noise. When I pulled back to meet his eyes, though, he looked absolutely wrecked and I could feel the arousal pooling in my panties. His hands found the waistband of my leggings and tugged lightly, and I lifted my hips so he could slide them and my underwear from my body to be discarded on the floor at his feet. My fingers were still wrapped around his throbbing member, but when Bucky’s flesh hand snaked between my thighs to swipe lightly through my folds, I had to bite down on my bottom lip to keep from moaning, my grip on him tightening involuntarily.

          Bucky’s teeth clenched, but then he pulled his hand away from me and I was about to glare at him until I watched him lift his fingers, glistening with my arousal, to his mouth to suck them clean, his eyes holding mine the entire time.

          Fuck, if that wasn’t the hottest, most sinful thing I had ever seen before. Unable to wait a second longer, I hooked my legs around Bucky’s waist to pull him closer, my hand guiding his length to my entrance. With sparkling eyes he took over, sliding his member through my slick folds before sliding home in one powerful thrust.

          The air was momentarily knocked from my lungs, and my hands gripped Bucky’s arms – one hot flesh and one unyielding metal – to ground myself. He only gave me a few seconds to adjust to his size before he was pulling out and then pushing back in, setting a ruthless pace that had every nerve in my body buzzing with pleasure. I had imagined sex with Bucky would be good, but this – This was on an entirely different level from what I had ever experienced before. I was climbing higher and faster than I’d thought possible, and even though I wanted to be able to drag out this feeling as long as I could, I knew it was only a matter of time before Steve and Sam started getting suspicious.

          Bucky’s mouth had been planting sloppy, open-mouthed kisses on my throat, but now his lips had made their way back up to claim mine heatedly. His hands on me were dizzying, bordering on possessive, holding me tight to him as he drove into me with vigor. My legs around him tightened, one hand under his shirt to rake my nails down his back while the other carded through his hair to tug at the ends. It was all tongues and teeth, hot flesh and desperate grasping, and as we climbed higher it felt less like a competition of who could make who cry out first, and more like a need to be as close to each other as humanly possible.

          Trying to focus on my original goal, I purposely clenched around Bucky and rolled my hips, but his resolve was iron-strong and the only thing I earned was a particularly hard thrust as his teeth nipped at my jaw. When his vibranium hand snaked down to rub circles on my clit, that was it; I couldn’t stop the low moan that vibrated past my lips. I wanted to be mad at myself for losing our bet, but Bucky’s cock and his hands and lips were playing me like a violin and all I could focus on was how tight the coil in my stomach was.

          “Bucky…” I whined, completely succumbing to my defeat, and a growl rumbled in Bucky’s chest as he continued to piston his hips into me.

          “Come for me, doll,” he panted, fingers working my clit furiously. He swallowed my moan in a deep kiss and then pulled away, his forehead pressed to mine. “C’mon, (Y/N); you’re close, I can feel it. Come for me, baby girl.”

          And just like that, the coil snapped and stars exploded in my eyes. I bit down on Bucky’s shoulder to muffle my cry, and then Bucky’s hips stuttered and he was emptying himself inside me with a quiet groan. For a minute we stayed there, clutching at each other as our breathing slowed, and then Bucky was pulling out of me and I slid off the counter onto unsteady feet.

          I coughed, trying to fill the now-awkward silence, and as Bucky handed me my discarded clothes, I mumbled a thanks. As I yanked my leggings back up my legs, I watched Bucky shimmy his hips back into his jeans before buckling his belt. I was waiting for him to say something, but he was being frustratingly silent.          

          “Steve and Sam are definitely wondering where we are,” he finally said, grabbing some beers from the fridge. “We should get back in there before they ask too many questions.”

          “Wait.” I shook my head. “After what just happened, that’s all you have to say?”

          “Of course not, doll,” he said, and then he came over and stood so that I was caged between him and the counter. His smile was wicked as he leaned in until his face was centimetres from mine, and I hated the way my body was reacting to being this close to him. “Tomorrow night,” he murmured, hot breath fanning over my face, “wear something pretty for our date.”

          With that he pulled away with a wink and turned, heading back to the common room. I glared after him, but it was half-hearted. My stomach was doing flip-flops and I tried to suppress them as I grabbed the chips and salsa and followed Bucky to the common room.

          “So what movie did you guys pick?” I asked as I walked in, forcing myself to act as if nothing had happened. I set the chips and salsa on the coffee table and popped a chip into my mouth.

          “Top Gun,” Steve replied, and I nodded my approval. I turned to my chair as Sam hit ‘play’ on the remote, but froze when I found Bucky sitting there, grinning up at me like the Cheshire cat.

          “Something wrong, doll?” he asked, face smug, and I could feel my neck grow hot.

          “You’re in my chair, Barnes.”

          His arms swept wide around the room. “There are plenty of seats in here. You can’t claim a chair as yours.”

          “Except I always sit there,” I growled, and Bucky shrugged.

          “That sounds like a you problem.”

          “Fine,” I said, and then I walked over and plopped down into his lap. “If you won’t move, you’ll have to share.”

          I could feel Bucky’s muscles tense up beneath me, and Steve and Sam both looked at us with wide eyes. I only adjusted myself in Bucky’s lap, though, making myself more comfortable, and finally Bucky’s arm circled loosely around me as he chuckled.

          “I guess I can share,” he teased lightly, and Sam shook his head.

          “You two are the worst,” he griped. “Just…keep your hands where we can see them. You’ve already defiled the kitchen; this room is off limits.”

          I blanched. “What?”

          Steve rolled his eyes. “Do you really think we don’t know what was going on out there?” he asked. “I don’t care how quiet you think you were being; you seem to forget that supersoldier hearing is a thing.”

          The blush crept up my neck, and Bucky chuckled ruefully. “Sorry, Stevie. We’ll behave.”

          “You’d better. Goddamn animals,” Sam grumbled. My embarrassment grew, but as the movie started to play the guys’ attention was diverted. Bucky’s arm around me tightened and his lips were light at my ear.

          “How about we make that date tonight instead,” he murmured. “I wanna do this right, but I also don’t think I can wait until tomorrow night to be inside you again.”

          I sucked in a sharp breath. “Bucky…”

          “Ssh, doll, I told Stevie we’d behave. Watch the movie, and I promise I’ll make tonight a night you’ll never forget.”

          A shiver ran down my spine, but I strengthened my resolve and settled in to watch the movie. After all, I was never one to back down from a challenge.

[lailyn]

This Magical Journey Called Multiple (Chapter 2)

“Now will you let me take your blood?”

“Nothing I say will stop you." With a resigned sigh, Loki slowly straightened his arm in consent. "If it must be done." 

The incessant complaining continued, regardless. “Know that I hate this.”

“Duly noted, my dear," Stephen murmured. "You're such a great patient."

“Don’t sound so disappointed.”

“For someone so fond of knives, you sure are critical about needles.” Stephen found a juicy vein in the bend of Loki’s elbow, and pressed the tip of his syringe at the plumpest point. “Sharp prick.”

The tension in Loki's muscles did not let up even after Stephen had removed the needle. 

Handing the blood sample to one of Tony’s robots to be processed, he gently patted Loki’s arm where the needle mark was already fading as Stephen watched. "You can relax now. It's done."

Loki mustered a half-smile but something was still amiss.

Stephen narrowed his eyes. "Is your stomach hurting again?"

"Some," Loki admitted reluctantly. "It's not that bad."

"I call bullshit," Tony said darkly. "We practically had to carry you."

"Half-carry," Loki corrected, raising his head off his tiny pillow to glare at Tony, who had been standing silently in the far corner of the room ever since they returned from the farmers market. "If you hadn't freaked out and given me a moment like I asked instead of crying to Stephen, I would have recovered in time." 

But before Tony could counter-argue, Loki proved himself wrong when the pain returned in full force, cleaving him in two and leaving him panting for breath. 

That was the last straw. Tony stepped out of the shadows and grabbed the hand grasping the side of the bed in a white-knuckled grip. “Bambi.”

Stephen watched the beads of sweat form on Loki's forehead. "Pain scale of one to ten, where are you at?”

Loki shook his head in denial.

“Stephen, he’s not talking. Why isn’t he talking?”

“He’s trying to think of a number to throw us off.”

With a feverish roll of his eyes, Loki held up his right thumb and first two fingers.

Tony allowed himself to relax slightly. “A three. That’s not so bad, right?”

“It’s a seven,” Stephen said flatly. 

“Huh?”

“That’s finger abacus, the thumb represents a five,” Stephen glowered. “Thinks he’s smarter than us.”

Loki dropped his finger gun. “Sod off,” he muttered. 

“Now is not the time to be difficult, Loki,” Stephen growled. "Did you take any hits in the battle that you failed to mention?"

“No,” Loki grunted. "I had my shield up the whole time. This is new."

But Stephen was already pulling the ultrasound machine closer. "Can't hurt to take a look. Occult internal bleeding can happen long after the initial trauma, doctors miss it all the time."

"How reassuring." Loki squirmed as he tried to find the most comfortable position. The ice-cold gel Stephen was liberally squirting all over his tense abdomen did not help matters.

"Try to hold still."

Loki breathed deeply in and out of his nose, focusing on keeping the fidgeting to a minimum. As gentle as Stephen tried to be with maneuvering the transducer probe, every prod and push sent a fresh shard of pain lancing through his belly. 

"Loki, lower your shield. I need to see if there’s free fluid in your abdominal cavity.” 

"What? What are you talking about?" Loki asked.

“I can't see a thing." Stephen turned the monitor around so they both could see just what he meant. “Look.”

“It’s all black,” Tony said in rising horror. “Why the hell is it black? Are you liquidating inside? Is that what's happening?”

“Not if I can help it…” Stephen murmured distractedly, fingers flying over the knobs and dials but no amount of adjusting seemed to work. “And the word you're looking for is liquefying. Liquidating is what you do when your stock price falls and you start selling your yachts.”

Tony placed his hands on his hips. “You just can’t help yourself, can you?”

Stephen ignored him, focusing on the quieter of his two husbands, which was a great worry in itself. “I can’t see the inside of your body, you’re not letting me.”

"It's not me. I'm not doing anything," Loki said, sounding more breathless than Stephen would like. 

Tony must have thought the same. He turned the knob controlling the supplemental oxygen supply on the wall and cajoled Loki into wearing the nasal cannula. Unsurprisingly, he succeeded. It was something Tony would always be better at doing than Stephen, getting Loki to do stuff he did not want to do, and Stephen was forever grateful for it.

“Well, something’s blocking the sonic waves."

"Blocking?" 

Stephen nodded, allowing himself a moment of relief. Loki seemed to be breathing a bit easier now. 

"It’s like your abdomen’s made of solid rock,” he said, mind racing as he pondered their next move. “You need a CT scan. Is the blood test ready? I have to see if the kidney function’s okay if we’re thinking of giving you contrast.”

Tony typed away on the console for a few seconds. “Yeah. I’m bringing the results up right now.” 

Stephen reluctantly left Loki’s side and joined Tony at the computer. “Let’s see…” 

He scrolled down quickly before something caught his eye and he stopped. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Tony peered over Stephen’s shoulder. “What is it? What do you see?”

Stephen backed away from the monitor, looking spooked all of a sudden. “Maybe it’s not acoustic impedance at all...” 

Tony frowned. The look on Stephen’s face was not sitting right with him at all. “What isn’t? If you don’t start sharing what you know, I swear I am going to kick your ass.”

“Maybe there’s nothing wrong with the ultrasound. Maybe something is cancelling it out.” Stephen turned around very, very slowly. “Loki. Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?”

“What?” Loki balked. “No!” 

“Are you sure?” Stephen asked carefully. “It’s not like you have a discernible ovarian cycle to guide you.”

“I don’t need one,” Loki retorted, but the first glimmer of doubt crept into his voice. “What makes you think I am?”

“Your hCG level’s elevated," Stephen said. 

When Loki stared at him blankly through eyes glazed with pain, Stephen figured he should elaborate.

“It’s a marker of pregnancy and testicular carcinoma, but the latter takes slightly longer to kill you and isn’t a concern for right now.”

“This is a nightmare.” Tony sank into a chair and buried his face into his hands. “A fucking nightmare.”

“Stop being so dramatic, Stark,” Loki scoffed. "Why can't it be the latter? I do have a sizable pair."

“To confirm that, we need another panel of special blood tests that I will definitely take from you later,” Stephen said, blatantly ignoring Loki's poor attempt at humor. “One thing at a time.”

"I am not pregnant. Don't you think I would know if I were?"

"It's a moot question, considering there is no precedent for the current situation."

"I have been pregnant before."

"Not by us humans."

There were many things about Stephen Loki found endearing, too many to count, but there was a smugness to his persona whenever his husband put on his doctor hat...not that it was any more authoritative than his usual self, but definitely a lot less tolerable. In things concerning magic, Loki was easily his equal if not superior. But now, struggling with this awful pain in his gut, he was at Stephen’s mercy. 

Even so, Loki was not going to back down without a fight. “My contraceptive spells are infallible.”

“Spells can fail.”

Loki was out of the bed so fast he was a blur of shadow flying across the room toward them.

"Stephen - " Tony leaped forward.

Stephen fumbled as he tried to conjure a defence against whatever was coming, but before he knew it, Tony's fast reflexes kicked in and he caught Loki in mid-collapse, “Hey, easy, easy!”

As Tony lowered him to the floor, Loki buried his face as deeply as he could in Tony’s chest in the hope that it would stifle his scream, of pain and rage alike. "Did you do this?"

“What?” Tony strained to hear him amid the alarm blaring from the monitors from which Loki had extricated himself in his frenzy. 

“Not you.” A green eye stared out accusingly from the crevice of their interlocking arms. “Him.”

Stephen's heart thundered in his chest. He knew when something was meant for Tony, and when it was meant for him. “I did not.”

Tony swivelled his head. “Stephen, what is he talking about?”

“There is only one being in this world powerful enough to counter my spells,” Loki spat. “Is this your doing?”

“I would never do that to you,” Stephen said heatedly. “How could you even think that?”

“Bambi,” Tony said anxiously when Loki’s form began trembling in his arms. “Bambi, calm down.”

Stephen braced himself once more against the onslaught of daggers or fists or magic but no threat of any kind came forth. He watched the light leave Loki’s eyes like a candle snuffed and heard Tony shout out a warning. “Loki!” 

Stephen lunged to grab their listing husband and managed to save Loki’s head from hitting the floor, only just. 

“Loki,” he called urgently. True fear gripped his heart when Loki remained motionless. “Help me, Tony.”

They wrestled with Loki’s long limbs and together, they carried him over to the bed. 

“What the hell is going on?” Tony asked frantically. “Stephen?”

Stephen ignored him, focusing instead on reattaching the wires and cables that would connect Loki once more to the vital signs monitor. He did not speak until a blood pressure reading came back; it was borderline low but satisfactory for now, given the normal pulse rate and heart rhythm. 

“He’s fine,” Stephen said gruffly. “He just passed out.”

Tony growled, “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” 

He picked up a limp hand and rubbed it furiously between his palms. 

“He’s freezing. Why is he freezing? It’s like ninety-degrees in here,” he rambled, “And I don’t know if I heard you right the first time, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I swear I heard you say Loki was pregnant.”

“I did.”

“Please tell me you’re joking,” Tony pleaded.

Stephen sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. “Wish I could.”

“Are you sure?”

“I can’t be sure.” Stephen studied Loki’s wan face and the desire to just dip his astral fingers into his husband’s abdomen to take a look inside was overwhelming. He killed the thought before desperation could breathe it to life. “There’s one thing we haven’t tried. Another ultrasound.” 

He met Tony’s eyes across the bed. “Transvaginally.”

“What are you waiting for?” Tony demanded. 

Stephen bit the inside of his lip. “I don’t know how.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Tony’s voice shrilled. “You’re supposed to know everything!”

“About brains, not babies!” Stephen exploded. “I think I need to talk to Christine.”

Tony’s face changed. He pulled Stephen by the sleeve of his shirt to a corner, the farthest he could go while still keeping Loki in his line of sight and out of earshot. 

“Christine? As in your ex?” he hissed.

“She’s a doctor, Tony, and a damn good one too. She’s seen her fair share of strange things and ambiguous genitalia is nowhere near up there.”

“Okay, I don’t know if you can’t hear yourself or if you’re being an ass on purpose, but you’re being an ass!”

Stephen opened his mouth to protest, but Tony beat him to the punch. 

“Never mind how I feel, but you and I both know how Loki feels about her! No shade on Christine, coz I’m sure she’s great but - ” Tony’s knight’s-move thinking took him off course, “Ambiguous? Really?” 

Stephen stared. What’s so wrong with what he said? “That...is the clinical term, if you must know.”    

“I don’t give a shit. You don’t say things like that,” Tony seethed. “I’ve never been surer of what Loki is and what he has, and what he has is not a fucking cul-de-sac!”

“I know that, and that is why I’m trying to get to the bottom of this because I know what’s at stake!” Stephen’s voice rose in pitch to match Tony’s. “I am not going to argue semantics with you when Loki could be having an ectopic pregnancy that could kill him at any minute while we stand here fighting!”

Tony instantly deflated. “I’m not fighting.”

“Good!” Stephen snapped. A guilty look instantly flashed across his face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

“No, I get it. You’re worried about Loki,” Tony sighed heavily. “And I’m sorry too. I just - I can't - " his voice caught in his throat, "You're probably used to it, but I can't stand seeing him like this."

"You never get used to seeing someone you love hurting," Stephen said quietly.

Tony's gaze softened. "Yeah." His thumb rubbed comforting circles on the back of Stephen's scarred hand. "I've got your back."

Stephen smiled gratefully. "Thanks, Tony."

When they turned around to return to Loki, the sight awaiting them froze them in their tracks. 

"Oh shit," Tony breathed. "No, no, no…"

Everywhere they looked they saw ice, creeping across the tiles from where the examination table was bolted to the floor and spreading toward the computers and sensitive medical equipment surrounding it.

Still deeply unconscious, Loki's Aesir glamour had fallen away, revealing his Jotun form, skin as blue as the slab of ice he was lying on.

[consumeconstantly]

Not a Saint or a Hero

Summary: To civilians, Ladybug is a hero. In the eyes of the law, Ladybug is a vigilante at best, and a villain at worst. 

______________________________________________________

Conquering the Parisian underworld is child’s play for Ladybug and her partner, Chat Noir. The ex-boss of the Parisian underworld, code name Hawkmoth, may have been good at pushing drugs and ruining people’s lives, but he was woefully incompetent at... basically everything else. Which meant that other than Hawkmoth and his direct underlings, there really wasn’t much of a structure at all that Ladybug had to be worried about. No cohesive unit, fighting as one, just easy pickings and an even easier way to convince the drug dealers, homeless, illegal fight rings, and various other under the radar activities to band together to topple Hawkmoth’s empire. 

Ladybug, after all, had experience with overthrowing established mafiosos. She did it once in Wenzhou at her mother’s side, another time in Beijing because somebody made the mistake of trying to push her into prostitution, and twice in Italy with her grandmother, code name Befana.

“Do you really have to leave, m’lady?”

Ladybug shrugs. “I trust you and the team to keep things up and running. We had a good run, but there’s a good structure in place now and Befana wants me to go with her to another country.”

Nobody says no to Befana, not unless they’re bullet proof. Ladybug may have high quality Kevlar sewn into every outfit she wears, but even she isn’t the biggest fan of the impact of a bullet. Depending on the gun, broken ribs are a kindness.

“I know you don’t get along with Queen Bee, and almost everyone else is out of the country, but you’re not going to say goodbye to Rena or Carapace?”

“It’s not like I’m going to be gone forever. Just a few months. A year at most.”

“Promise me you’ll come back, m’lady?”

Ladybug puts a hand on her partner's shoulder. “You know I can’t make promises like that.”

Chat pauses, dull thud of the rave music filling in their silence. 

He swirls the whiskey in his glass. “Stay safe, Bug. Play it smart.”

“I always do.”

#

It comes as no surprise that Befana dumps her in the middle of one of the most crime infested cities world wide without a backwards glance. Her granddaughter is grown up now, after all. 

“Have fun, darling. Black Mask is particularly nasty, make sure to watch out for his assistant, she’s very sharp.” Befana pulls away from the nonexistent curb— nonexistent because there’s no sidewalks in the slums of Gotham, at least, not many of them in good enough conditions to have curbs or whole piece of cement to walk on— and leaves Marinette all on her lonesome with a backpack, a key to a cheap apartment.

Marinette eyes the broken bottles leading to the entryway of her new building and the boarded up windows. Across the street, there’s two women smoking and conversing in hushed tones.

“Well,” Marinette mutters underneath her breath, shifting the straps of her only worldly possessions. “It’s definitely quieter than I expected.”

“Hey, new girl,” one of the women in the group calls out to her. “What’re you in for?”

“School. This is the cheapest apartment I could find.”

The woman exchanges a glance with one of her friends. 

“You’re better off finding a more expensive apartment elsewhere. This isn’t a place for someone like you.”

An excellent line for Marinette to begin to fish for information. “What do you mean by that?”

“This is disputed territory, now. If you can’t afford to stay somewhere else, you better stay with whoever just dropped you off.”

Marinette fidgets. Gina is long gone. Grandmother or not, even though Gina is undoubtedly loyal and will never hurt her, she believes that the best way to inspire growth is through adversity. Like now. The only information she got out of Befana was that she had to figure out a way to keep Gotham in line… whatever that meant. “She’s not going to come back. I guess I’ll just have to try my luck.”

“You really got nowhere else to go?”

“No. I’m from abroad.”

“That explains the accent,” says the one holding a beer bottle. “Then listen up, girlie. If you wanna survive, there’s three rules you’ve gotta learn. One. Don’t cross the Black Mask. Two. Don’t cross Red Hood. Three. Don’t sell to children.”

“Sell to children?”

“Well, I don’t suppose you’d be doing it anyways, given the whole,” she motions to Marinette’s body with a cigarette, “but Hood goes after anyone who sells drugs to kids real bad. Worse than if you fuck him over with anything the Black Mask’s doing, anyways.”

“Red Hood doesn’t sound like that bad of a guy, then.” Maybe she’ll look into a collaboration with him.

The woman with the beer bottle laughed. “Oh honey, you’re a saint. Don’t go fostering any dreams. You just stay away, hear?”

“I hear you,” Marinette says.

But they got something wrong. 

Marinette isn’t a saint, and never has been.

#

The walls of her crappy one bedroom apartment are thin enough to hear the baby upstairs scream at ungodly hours. If it’s not the baby waking her up, her neighbors in the apartment to her right are fucking very, very loudly. The apartment below her blasts rock music at all hours, the apartment to her right is likely selling drugs, given that she sees at least fifteen different people come in and out each day, and they always have a vaguely dazed look in their eye. She hasn’t heard anything from the apartment across, but she’s sure they’ll start up some noisy activity that Marinette doesn’t particularly want to hear soon enough.

She really got pampered in Paris, didn’t she?

Marinette lived a life of relative luxury whenever she stayed with her parents, instead of Gina. While in Beijing and Chongqing with Tom and Sabine, Maman did all of the heavy lifting for her. Well, Beijing had ended rather disastrously, and they had to make a quick getaway, but at least in Chongqing, Sabine managed to get rid of the prostitution ring. 

Back in Wenzhou, Catania, and Bologna, Gina took the reins, and it always turned out to be a sink or swim sort of situation. First off was her mother’s birth place, which had an astonishingly high crime rate and definitely explained why Sabine Cheng was so adept at self defense, and once they were there, of course they had to reform the fight rings. In Catania and Bologna, Gina practically threw her at two of the lowest rank mafia groups and told her to use them to bring order to the warring mafias. During those years, Gina didn’t make a front like Sabine and Tom did, purchasing a bakery and running a business to aid their more behind the scenes work. No, with Gina, it was either war of peace, and there was nowhere in between.

Which, of course, meant that Marinette rarely got to stay in nice rooms or pursue hobbies like sewing or drawing or anything, really.

Now that she is of age, Marinette could potentially try to wrest herself out of Befana’s influence, but that’s almost a laughable thought. Befana has eyes and ears everywhere. If she wants to escape the rat race of reformation, Marinette needs to gather power. 

The best thing she can do for now is try to figure out the situation in Gotham. If it’s not particularly bad, maybe she’ll have an easy time of it, and figure out how to disappear herself. She’s not totally opposed to the whole making-criminals-act-within-the-bounds-of-morality thing, but it’s gotten pretty tiring. Not repetitive, necessarily, but after experiencing an almost normal life in Paris, Marinette does want to have the privilege of not having to worry about her life every hour. Maybe she can even start up a little boutique. 

Marinette dumps most of the contents out of her bag, only leaving her wallet, a knife, and her trademark yo-yos. 

“Maybe I can go back to Paris, eventually.” She has become very fond of the city; the first place where she took fate into her own hands, where her mother and grandmother didn’t push her to reform the underworld. The first place where she chose to change the world around her. The first place where she saw things through from start to finish. The first place she formed her own team. 

The power of change is both incredibly addicting and terrifying. She sort of gets why Befana roams the world, looking for the next place she wants to shake things up in. But Marinette can’t get addicted. This is going to be her last city, then she’s going to return to Paris and settle down. She’ll leave city beautification to the so-called vigilantes that almost every city has acquired, save Paris.

Oh wait, she supposes that Ladybug and Chat Noir were-- and Chat still is-- a type of vigilante back home. But as it stands now, it will be more correct to refer to them as heads of the Parisian underworld; they definitely don’t work on the side of the law, but she and Chat made sure that drug deals were more… regulated. That deaths and the induction of children into such a dark world were curbed. That if people really wanted to get out, they could.

All of that doesn’t matter. Not in the eyes of the law at least. Parisian citizens love the duo for helping keep crimes off the streets and for banning the particularly strong strain of drug that Gabriel called AKUMA off the market, but the Parisian police? She and Chat both have targets on their head. Their whole team does.

She eyes the apartment across from her. There’s blood on the door handle. It’s a good thing that Sabine and Tom never tried to instill those odd customs of ‘house warming’ and ‘getting to know her neighbors’ that most other people teach their children. In good neighborhoods, it’s important to have a cordial relationship with whoever’s living next door. In neighborhoods like these? It’s even more important.

But rule number one of pissing people off? 

Coming over uninvited.

Marinette doesn’t bother locking the door behind her. 

#

“New to the neighborhood?”

Apparently, it really is bizarre for her to have moved into this apartment complex. She’s come across a grand total of five people during her week here, and every single one of them stopped whatever they were doing in order to take a closer look. 

Marinette knows that this is a disputed area. She looked into the two women’s words the day she arrived. But, for a disputed area, everything is remarkably quiet. No fights, nobody on the streets, most people keep indoors, unless they’re out for a smoke, to throw out the trash, or are going to or coming back from various activities outside of the block.

What’s even more odd is that all of her neighbors seem to know each other intimately. Or at least, intimately enough to know that she doesn’t belong there.

“Yeah,” Marinette says, ready to leave this conversation behind. She doesn’t bother getting information out of the people who are in her apartment complex or on this block. To be more accurate, she tried with one of the first people she came across, but it was apparent that someone encouraged them to be tight lipped with information. 

Given the current information she has, she thinks it’s more likely that the one who gave that order is Red Hood, rather than Black Mask.

“Been here a week.” The guy lights his joint and breathes out. “Not so new anymore.”

Over the years, she’s gotten used to the smell of marijuana, though she can’t say she likes the scent. She’ll take cigarettes over weed any day.

“You could say that.”

“Don’t suppose anybody’s laid out the rules for you yet, have they?”

Maybe this will make things easier for her. Mostly, she’s just settled into her apartment over the past seven days. There's no need for her to immediately get to work, and she does enjoy comfort. Taking down criminals is hard work. She wants to come back to an apartment that doesn’t look awful and lets her relax. So what if she spent most of her money on an expensive mattress and a coffee machine? She’s an adult now. Nobody can tell her what to do. (Except for Befana.) “No, not really.”

“Tina and Audrey give you a crash course?”

“Mostly just warned me not to sell to children.”

The man barks, smoke spitting into the stale air. “Some of the best advice around. Let me tell you, Black Mask might have more manpower, but Red Hood has rage. Cross Black Mask by gypping him, he’ll send a lackey after you. Fuck with children, Red Hood himself will come for you.”

He pauses, evaluating her appearance. 

“Though you look like a child yourself. Mighty pretty too. lucky girl. Hood will protect you if you stay around these parts, but if you go south on the diagonal, you’ll be in bad territory. Plenty of prostitution rings around there.”

“Thought this was disputed territory.”

“Not really. Anywhere Hood has claimed is said to be disputed because Mask hates his guts and keeps sending goons to these areas. But anyone who’s dealing under Mask aint gonna take the risk of their lives just to branch out to these spots.”

“Sounds like Red Hood is pretty well liked around these parts, then.”

Perhaps she’ll look into working with him. From what she’s heard of the guy and what she’s found trawling the dark web, his morals seem to align with her own. A little bit more temperamental than she’d like, a little too quick to kill, rather than apprehend, but Gotham prisons seem to have jailbreaks every other week, so she can understand why it may be easier just to make every encounter a one and done.

“Liked?” Blunt finished, he flicks the stub into the dirt, crushing the embers under foot. He wipes his mouth with the scarf around his neck. “Like isn't the question in Gotham, Frenchie.”

Marinette inwardly cringes. She’s tried to minimize her accent because it makes natives distrust her, or think they can take her for a loop. Most people she’s come across accept her as one of their own, but apparently she hasn’t been doing as well as she thought she was. Maybe this is why people seemed a little more reluctant with any information.

“When it comes down to it, liking means nothing. It’s who you trust to watch your back.” He fumbles in his pockets, pulling out another blunt. Marinette notices that his fingers are fairly heavily bandaged and that the man is shaking slightly. Medicinal marijuana, maybe. “Wouldn’t trust that Mask farther than I can throw him. And he used to be a wrestler, so he’s a fat bastard. At least you can trust Hood not to cross you as long as you don’t cross him first.”

Lighting the tip, his eyes sharpen. “You seem like the trustworthy sort. Active, too. I’ll leave you with one more piece of advice. If you ever run into Hood? Don’t mention two things: the Joker, and Batman.”

“I doubt I’ll ever run into him,” Marinette lies. 

The man laughs. “I’m a Gotham native, Frenchie. I can tell what kind of person you are. You’ll be meeting him soon, I know. Hood needs someone to watch his back, and you? You need someone to keep your head above water.”

He flicks the ash off the blunt and turns his back on her, and Marinette can’t tell whether he’s showing her respect or belittling her.

#

 Two weeks into her stay in Gotham and Marinette has finally collected enough information about her surroundings to feel confident about going out as Ladybug.

Guns are infinitely more available here in America than they were back in France, which means she needed more than one costume, and an upgrade to her current one. High quality kevlar is good and all, but it’s heavy, and not everyone in Gotham is high off their minds using AKUMA. Replacing kevlar with polythene, now that it’s available to her, is only a natural decision. She has to be more careful here in Gotham. Not only does she have no support network, she’s also highly inexperienced with the terrain. She’s at a disadvantage here.

With a combo polythene and kevlar bodysuit, a crop top with her signature ladybug embroidery on the backside, an all black domino mask, and a utility belt with two yo-yos , knife, and emergency medical supplies, she’s as ready as she ever will be to witness the nightlife first hand.

And just like in Paris, Wenzhou, Beijing, Chongqing, Catania and Bologna, she doesn’t have to go far to find the trouble.

Befana has told her multiple times that Marinette is like a lucky charm for problems. Judging by the amount of time she’s gotten herself into sticky situations unintentionally, she’s inclined to agree, though she’d call herself more of an unlucky charm.

She doesn’t bother speaking, instead hurling one yo-yo at the guy who’s trying to tie up a girl half her age and the other yo-yo at the wheels of his car, to make sure he can’t make a quick getaway.

Ladybug may not use guns, but she never said that her weaponry wasn’t tricked out; yo-yo knocks the guy up the head, sending him down for the count, and yo-yo two slashes through the rubber tire. The man waiting in the car rolls down the window to shoot. Ladybug rolls her eyes. Dumb and dumber. She’s not sure whether he’s trying to preserve his windows or doesn’t realize that rolling down his window leaves him open for her own attacks.

Reeling back in yo-yo one. She hurtles it through the window, presses a button, then ducks. The head of the yo-yo detached and shocks the driver.

“Need help getting home?” Ladybug asks the girl who’s currently edging away from her. 

“Who are you? Why did you help me?”

Ladybug shrugs. She’s never been particularly good at explaining herself; Chat took care of most of the conversions within Hawkmoths retinue. She’s good at making the occasionally public statement and making sure people she’s close to don’t stray, but strangers? Most people back in Paris just trusted her blindly, and she never had to think about how to present her reasoning.

She takes two sets of zip ties out of her pack, then restrains her first victim. After she slaps a patch on the tire-- if she is going to take this girl home, she certainly doesn’t want to walk her back in this neighborhood, and judging by the size of the van, there are probably a few people in the back she’ll need to free as well. Ladybug moves on to tie up the guy in the car, back towards the girl. “If you don’t want my help, that’s fine too.”

As soon as she turns, there’s a sharp intake of breath. “You’re with Hood, then.”

Not yet. “M not, actually. Never met the guy. What makes you say that?”

A bout of nervous, high pitched laughter. “The red, maybe. Or, I don’t know, the fact that he’s here and not knocking you out?”

Ladybug whirls, trying to see where the infamous vigilante is. True to the girls word, he is just a little ways down the alleyway they’re currently in, looking, for all intents and purposes, not about to kill her. How pleasant. Better than she was expecting; his temper precedes him, and she was expecting to have to fight with the guy before even dreaming about having a civil discussion with him.

He doesn’t have his hands on his guns, which she takes as a good sign. Taking a good look at him she’s almost surprised that he’s calming himself the Red Hood instead of the Red Helmet, but she supposes the former sounds better.

“Let me finish tying that one up,” Ladybug says.

Red Hood grunts in response.

“So you are working together,” the girl concludes.

Ladybug shrugs again, tapping another button to reattach the head of her yo-yo and grabbing the keys and phone from the driver’s pocket. She pops the back of the van. There are three girls tied up in the back. 

Her knife makes quick work of the bonds that restrain them. The girls take the duct tape off their mouths themselves; she feels a deep disgust of the men that are currently knocked unconscious. Not only are they traffickers, but they’re new traffickers. Inexperienced. Duct tape isn’t used most times because it damages the goods. Either that, or they’re organ dealers, because people don’t need the bodies to look pretty when they just want the innards. Judging by the fact that all of the people in the back are girls, she’ll put money on the first one.

“You going to let me drive these girls back before we have our talk?”

“Fine,” Red Hood bites out, moving to sit shotgun. “You move one finger out of line, and I’ll shoot.”

Ladybug tosses the unconscious body out of the driver’s seat.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

@jasonette-july-2k20

[sokkascroptop]

traitor. (sokka x f! reader) pt 9

part 1 | part 8 | part 10

A/N: I finished this at 4 am, I am so tired. I also loved writing this, hence the staying up until 4 am to finish it. 

Y/N looked between them, unsure of what to do with herself. She wasn’t friends with Katara, she was in fact better friends with Zuko, but it felt weird to stay, like she was listening in on a private conversation. But she thought they were starting to make some headway. They hadn’t tried to kill one another while locked in the catacombs yet. And she missed him, she wanted to stay with him, to see if she could make up for the mistakes she made while with Azula. 

Neither girl knew what to do with one another. 

The cavern was large and they kept each other in sight as they explored it separately. Green crystals grew out of ground everywhere Y/N could see. They shined like glow-moths and lit up the cave with an eerie haze. It was cold and damp too, and all she could smell was wet dirt. 

She reached up and touched one of the crystals. It was the tallest of it’s bunch and thick as her wrist. She ran a finger along it. It was angled on top, it’s sides were sharp.

Y/N found a foothold and pulled herself up to be eye level and tugged on it. 

“What are you doing?”

Y/N gasped and slipped off the rock she was standing on. She felt something sharp dig into her belly and pulled herself back up. She turned around and looked at the watertribe girl who was standing there with her hands on her hips.

“Don’t run up on someone like that. You scared me. I almost impaled myself on another one of these dumb crystals.”

“I didn’t–what are you doing!” She exclaimed as Y/N pulled hard on the crystal, this time her hands slipped off the slick surface and she had to jump down backwards before she fell on her back. Maybe she needed to try one that was smaller. 

“Are you trying to find a weapon?” the waterbender asked her. Apparently whatever made her want to stay away from Y/N a few hours ago was gone, she followed Y/N close on her heels as she inspected other rocks in the cavern.

“No.” Yes, Y/N very much was. 

“Well, they took my waterskin so I don’t have anything to bend. You shouldn’t be worried.”

“I’m not.” Y/N wiggled a smaller crystal but it was rooted just as deep as the last one. She had a feeling they were all going to be like that. “Besides there’s water all in the air, can’t you smell it?”

The girl’s voice was small when she answered. “I don’t know how to bend water out of the air.” 

“Oh. Well, what a time to learn,” Y/N muttered. She bunched up her dress around her and sat down heavily in the dirt. She really needed to learn when to stop talking. “What’s your name?” Y/N asked, trying to be polite. She didn’t really know what else to do. They were stuck in this cave and weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. 

“Katara.” she sat down across from Y/N, an arm’s length away. “And I already know yours.” She wasn’t too hard to read. She looked like the person who held all her emotions on her sleeve. She wasn’t mad at Y/N, she just looked suspicious of her. Y/N was sure she looked the same. They represented two sides of a war. Wait, could Y/N even say that anymore? Were they two opposing sides? Or side’s adjacent now?

“I guess I should say thank you?”

Y/N waved her away almost immediately and Katara looked grateful that she didn’t have to say anything else. Y/N picked her words carefully. “I think that we both helped each other.”

Katara raised one eyebrow and stayed silent. A clear indication she wanted Y/N to continue. Y/N sighed. “I was… planningonleaving,” she said it quickly, like the words would burn her mouth. It was the first time she admitted it outloud and it felt surprisingly nice. Like when you’re underwater running out of air and you finally reach the surface. “But, I couldn’t do it. I was scared of leaving. You gave me an opportunity to get away.” 

“Then why don’t you seem happy about it?” Katara’s face was so open, she looked like she genuinely wanted to hear about what Y/N was going through. She didn’t think she had ever met anyone like that before. 

“That’s the worst part of it.” Y/N whispered like there was someone around to hear her admit it. “I have regrets. Not everything but–and I know, I know it’s stupid of me to think that but, I just wish I had kept my mouth shut and done what she had told me to do.” Y/N put her head in her hands. How could feel like that? One minute she was weightless, the next moment she couldn’t breathe from the pressure in her chest. 

“Like kill me.” Katara frowned. 

“No.” Y/N recovered quickly. “That was never something I would have done. I—I thought that my guilt would be gone if I was, and it’s not.”

“Because that’s not how feelings work. You can’t just wish them away. They’re going to stay until you can let go of them.” 

“That’s...”  Probably true and definitely deeper than Y/N wanted to go. Because Y/N wanted to let go, so why hadn’t she? What were the claws of guilt hooked on? Where had everything gone wrong?

Neither of them slept fully that night. The cave had too much light for Y/N to feel like it was night time even though her body told her it was. Everytime she closed her eyes, she tossed and turned fitfully. She woke up from dozing one time and Katara was sitting up looking off in the distance with tired, unfocused eyes. Another time Y/N sat up and Katara was sleeping nearby, her head pillowed on her arms. The third time Y/N was jerked out of her sleep she swore she woke up to Azula’s voice but after looking around, realized that she wasn’t there. It felt like she was hallucinating, her dreams mixing with reality.  

The last time Y/N woke up it was for good. Her sleeves were covered in greasepaint from rolling around in her sleep, using her elbow as a pillow. Her stomach ached with hunger pangs. She leaned her head back against some rocks. “They could have at least given us food,” she groaned.

Katara’s stomach echoed her sentiment from where she was pacing with a low growl. She grimaced. “Maybe let’s not talk about food. It’ll only make it worse.”

Just then, above them, there was a loud rumbling as a rock was removed from the entrance of the tunnel they were dropped down from. Y/N went to stand next to Katara. They squinted up at the blinding light that came in through the hole. “You’ve got company,” One of the Dai Li shouted down to them. They watched as a figure was pushed and rolled down the tunnel to a stop at their feet. 

The red scar on his face was unmistakable. “Zuko!” 

Zuko pushed himself to his knees and scowled at them. Katara slowly started backing away from them. She looked between Zuko and Y/N defensively. Y/N could tell she was feeling outnumbered. “No, Katara wait–” Y/N started to say.

“What are you doing here?!” Zuko grabbed Y/N’s arm and turned her around to face him. 

She shook his hand off. “What?”

“Why are you here?” He asked again. “Is this one of Azula’s tricks?”

Y/N watched his mouth move and heard the words he said but Y/N just stared. Of course he wouldn’t know. Last thing he knew, Azula and her were joined at the hip. 

It seemed the answer was clear as day on her face. His eyes widened and then his face returned to his usual frown. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

Y/N had taken a few steps back, creating a large distance between the two of them. She kept looking between him and Katara–who was eyeing them closely from across the cavern. 

“Had what?” she asked, confused.

“The ability to defy her.”

It was Y/N’s turn to scowl. “I’ve always had it in me,” she said defensively. “This is just the first time I’ve used it against her.”

She’d always had a streak of defiance. That’s what Azula liked about her in the first place. But all these years of being friends with her had made Y/N compliant and malleable because those were the types of friends Azula needed. Y/N’s rebellious streak of never listening to her teachers or parents had faded when she realized the kind of trouble it could get her into when you were friends with a young firebender with a temper. 

Zuko sat against a rock and set his head in his hands. Y/N noticed his hair was longer than before, scruffy looking. He didn’t look sad, just beaten. 

“I’m sorry,” Y/N blurted out. When both Katara and Zuko looked at her. She sighed inwardly. She hated that she had so many people to apologize to. She groaned and fisted her hands in her air. She paced back forth between them. “I’m sorry for… what do I even say? I’m sorry for chasing you around the Earth Kingdom and trying to capture you? I’m sorry for lying and being deceitful and… fuck!” Y/N kicked the toe of her boot into a rock. The sharp pain did nothing to distract her. Y/N didn’t know why it was so hard to find the words she wanted to say. 

Zuko didn’t look at her as he spoke. “Kind of hard to not do what the Fire Lord orders.”

“Well, you’re not the only one who was chasing after us.” Katara glared at Zuko.

Zuko glanced at Katara with his one good eye and looked back at his hands. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“No, I do! You’re always following us, hunting Aang, who is by the way, the world’s last hope for peace! You’re a terrible person. But what do you care? You’re the Fire Lord’s son. Spreading war, violence and hatred is in your blood.” 

None of this was directed at Y/N but she was rocked by the powerful words Katara spoke anyways. Every word she said rang true. The Avatar–Aang, was not someone who was meant to be captured, and Y/N was sure in this moment she couldn’t trust or fight for a Nation that wanted him all to themselves. She didn’t know how she didn’t see it before. 

Katara was crying softly in the corner she situated herself in. “The Fire Nation killed my mother. It doesn’t matter what you say, you can never tell me they’re fighting for good.”

Y/N felt a pang of sympathy for Katara. She hated seeing other people cry. She wanted to move closer and comfort her but she wasn’t sure how well that would be received. 

“I’m sorry.” Zuko lifted his head to look at Katara. 

She looked taken aback. She wiped her eyes and the three of them sat in companionable silence. Y/N felt so miserable for the three of them, sitting in a cavern together. Two sides of the war and one girl who was now stuck in the middle, looking for a way out of it all. Two, who had worked for and acted in place for those more powerful and had no choice in anything. And the one who took the hardships for it all. 

Y/N heard a rumbling over her right shoulder, and in an instant, the wall was knocked down. Through the rubble and dust she saw the Avatar and Iroh. 

“Aang!” Katara beamed. She ran and hugged him. “I knew you would come. 

Iroh walked over and hugged Zuko, which Y/N was surprised to see him return. “Uncle, I don’t understand. What are you doing with the Avatar?”

“Saving you, that’s what!” The Avatar quipped. 

Zuko snarled and Iroh had to hold him back. “I think we need to talk, Zuko.” Iroh nodded at The Avatar and Katara. “Go help your other friends. We’ll catch up!” 

The Avatar grabbed Katara's hand and they began jogging back through the tunnel he had made. 

Y/N looked between them, unsure of what to do with herself. She wasn’t friends with Katara, she was in fact better friends with Zuko, but it felt weird to stay, like she was listening in on a private conversation. But she thought they were starting to make some headway. They hadn’t tried to kill one another while locked in the catacombs yet. And she missed him, she wanted to stay with him, to see if she could make up for the mistakes she made while with Azula. 

“Y/N,” Katara called from the tunnel. “Come with us.” The Avatar stood next to her, looking at her like she had grown another head. 

Y/N looked at Zuko and Iroh, people she knew, people who were where she was from, people from home. “Why?”

“Where else are you going to go?” Katara asked. 

Y/N sent another look to Zuko. He looked like he wanted to say something, maybe tell her not to go with them, but he didn’t and Y/N ran off with Katara and the Avatar. 

They ran into a larger cavern, much like the one they were just in. Next to them was an aqueduct and from somewhere Y/N could hear trickling water filling it. 

“We’ve got to find Sokka and Toph!” Katara said to the Avatar. 

They were two steps ahead of her, and Y/N kept looking over her shoulder to see if Iroh and Zuko had caught up yet. Instead, she saw the last person she expected. 

“Duck!” She yelled. A ball of blue fire was blocked by a slab of Earth the Avatar brought up. Katara ran around the stone and used her bending to drag a wall of water up from the aqueduct and pummel Azula with it. Flames hit the water and evaporated it instantly. Y/N stuck behind the wall, feeling helpless in the fight. 

Azula jumped and ran across a row of crystals above them. Y/N noticed she was no longer wearing the Kyoshi warrior uniform. She was wearing a Dai Li uniform and had Y/N’s sword strapped to her back!

A white-hot streak of rage shot through Y/N. She didn’t even know how to use one and she was carrying Y/N’s around like a trophy! 

Azula jumped a small space between the crystals she was balanced on and a large tower of rock. She threw three fireballs at Katara and the Avatar who blocked it with a water shield above them. 

Azula landed in a crouch on a small ledge and as soon as the water fell around them, the Avatar used earthbending to knock the tower down. Azula jumped at the last minute to avoid being crushed and landed between Katara and him. 

Before a thought could even go through her mind, Y/N launched herself out from behind the rock and ran full speed at Azula. She hit her with a grunt and tackled her to the ground. They landed in a pile of writhing limbs. 

“Give it back!” Y/N screamed. She yanked her sword out from under Azula and kneeled on her chest, the sword posed over her throat. There was a beat, and then another. Every sound in the cavern was blocked out by the blood rushing in Y/N’s ears. She was elated to see the look of shock and terror that crossed Azula’s face. Y/N wasn’t able to enjoy it for long.

An explosion next to her knocked her of Azula and she went rolling away. It could only have come from one person. Zuko stood in the entrance of the cavern, still poised like he was ready to throw another fireball. The five of them looked between each other and Y/N broke into a smile when she saw him. 

But he didn’t return it. 

Suddenly, he threw a fire punch at the Avatar.

He blocked it with a gust of wind but was still thrown backwards from the force of it. Upon seeing her brother fight for her, Azula began a fight with Katara. 

And Y/N just watched it all unfold in front of her, helpless in the bending war that was going on. 

Zuko threw fire-punch after fire-punch at the Avatar. She could see the anger in his eyes as The Avatar evaded the flames each time using earthbending and airbending to jump and weave around fireballs. He bowled over Zuko with a large gust of wind and jumped to perch on a crystal at the top of the cavern. Zuko yelled in frustration and jumped to his feet. 

He set his feet and threw the largest fireball she’d ever seen him make at the Avatar. He bent the crystals around him but the energy from the fire still hit it, knocking him into the cavern wall. He jumped around the top of the cavern on ledges, avoiding Zuko’s fire whips. He used earthbending to knock a stalactite down from the ceiling, causing Zuko to dive to the side. 

Azula was having just as much luck as her brother. Katara had waterbent shackles around one of Azula’s arms and one of her legs. She tried to yank out of their grasp but there was no use. 

Y/N thought back to a time when seeing her be incapacitated would have scared her, she would run to Azula’s aid even if it was the middle of danger. Now, she just watched as she struggled. 

Suddenly, the shackles were cut away with fire and Zuko jumped in the fight, and Y/N saw her chance. 

She jumped in, ducking under a fire whip. She sliced at his leg and cut Zuko. He stumbled a bit and threw fire at her that was quickly extinguished by Katara’s water. Together they worked to push Zuko further back, Y/N waving her sword around in his face, occasionally catching some skin and Katara extinguishing any flame that got too close to Y/N. With Y/N as a distraction, Katara was able to encase one of his arms in water. He thrust the other in Y/N’s face but she carved upward with her sword and cut the middle of his palm. He winced and pulled it to his chest. 

All of a sudden, Azula jumped down from above Y/N and shot a fire blast at her. She jumped away but the edge of her Kyoshi dress caught fire. She patted it out quickly and looked to see that Azula had turned on Katara, shooting fire blasts her way. She was forced to let go of Zuko’s trapped hand to defend herself. Y/N ran to Katara reaching her just in time for her to throw a water shield around them. With the onslaught of fire from Azula and Zuko though, the shield busted and they were thrown into the rocks. 

Y/N’s vision went fuzzy. She could tell something was happening in front of her but her eyes wouldn’t focus and the ringing in her ears was too loud. She felt something warm roll down the side of her face. What was that? Next to her, Katara was lying motionless, her hair loosened from it’s braid. Y/N reached out and shook the other girl’s shoulder. 

“Hey, Katara, we have to get up.” She groaned and blinked her eyes open. 

Y/N grabbed her wrist and pulled Katara to her feet. They were instantly surrounded by Dai Li agents. Katara pulled water from the aqueduct and encircled them with it. She flared her hands out and tentacle-like projections waved around them. Y/N hefted her sword but it hadn’t been much use and it still wouldn't be when the Dai Li trapped her like a stone mummy.

On the other side of the aqueduct, the Avatar faced down Azula and Zuko and more Dai Li agents. There were too many of them for the three of them to fight off. She watched as he turned away from them and created a crystal tent. Then, the crystal tent began to glow. 

It was blinding. The crystals exploded and the Avatar rose in the air. Everyone stopped to look in awe. Y/N saw now that it was him glowing, his eyes and tattoos lit up the cavern like a small sun.

And then the lightning hit. The Avatar’s body jerked in the air as lightning coarsed through him. Someone screamed. It might have been her, but Y/N wasn’t sure. And he fell. 

Katara didn’t miss a beat as she created a large wave that flooded the cavern, knocked over most of the Dai Li and carried the two of them to the Avatar. She caught him before he hit the ground. She held him like he weighed nothing, his clothes were torn and burnt. Y/N couldn’t tell if he was alive or dead. Katara looked up at Y/N with tears in her eyes. Y/N’s face was wet too; she knew what she had to do. She turned her back on them. 

Last stand it is, she thought to herself as she raised her sword against the army of benders in front of her. But a wall of fire blocked them from attacking. 

Iroh jumped down in front of Y/N. “You have to get out of here. I’ll hold them off as long as I can!” 

Y/N grabbed the Avatar’s other arm and threw it over her shoulder. Together, her and Katara dragged his limp body to the waterfall where she bent the water and lifted them up. 

They landed in the grass behind the palace. High above them, circling like they were looking for something was the Avatar’s sky bison and the rest of his friends. 

Y/N stood and waved her hands above her head. “HEY!” she screamed. “Over here!!” 

Someone on the sky bison heard her and they turned their way. 

Y/N faced Katara. She was still holding the Avatar in her arms. Her hand shook as she pushed his shirt aside and looked at the wound on his chest. It was red and laced outwards like tendrils of smoke. Y/N looked away. 

She grabbed one of Katara’s hands. “You can heal him.” If she was as good of a healer as she was a fighter, the Avatar would be fine. 

“I–” 

“You can.”

The sky bison landed next to them and Katara and Y/N lifted the Avatar up to Katara’s brother to be pulled on. 

He grabbed Katara’s arm first and pulled her up onto the bison. He looked down at Y/N’s outstretched hand and hesitated. But then he grabbed it anyways. They needed to get out of here, they needed miles and miles between them and Ba Sing Se and Y/N was coming with them whether he protested it later or not.

A/N: so there she is!! I might have unintentionally lied and said that we have sokka x y/n content in this part. I planned on this actually being longer but I was too tired to continue this one any more and I feel like Y/N and Sokka talking in a brand new part would be better. Also! It was so hard to write a non-bender in this fight?? Let me know what you guys think!! ❤️❤️

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Taglist: @myexgirlfriendisthemoon​ @reclusive-chicken-nugget​ @astroninaaa​ @bubblebars​ @beifongsss​ @crownofcryptids @welovediaaxx​ @littlefluu​ @lozzybowe​ @thebluelcdy​ @ohjustlookalive @sugarmoongey​ @fanficdepot​ @teenbiology​ @13-09-01​ @riespage​ @davnwillcome​ @naanlianid​ @creation-magician​ @lunariasilver​ @vintagerose1014516 

[sanstropfremir]

the hotly anticipated kingdom episode 7 review is here!!

this episode was a lot less spectacle-y than the last one (the last episode with stages, i mean), and i think that was a good choice for all the groups on the whole to tone it down on the run up to the finale, because at the rate everyone was headed there would be no room to go any higher. i'm very glad that there was actually a collab stage and not just a song swap, especially because it gives a chance for the boys to work together and make friends when they otherwise arent going to be able to interact much. love love love to see them making friends and having fun doing these stages!

i'm not really sure why mnet didnt put the vocal stage this episode, because what on earth else are they going to put in the next episode with it??? i know it's a content stretch but still, it seems like a weird choice to me. anyways, there’s four stages for me to talk about this time and i'm going to try to not ramble out of control, but we’ll see. i did enjoy watching all of these, but we’ve all got favourites and i'm going to rank by which group i liked better out of the two for each stage, and then i put a few conclusions at the end. strap in folks this is another long one.

rap stages

skz + btob + atz

i was actually really surprised at how much i liked this stage. i would not classify myself as a rap fan and believe it or not i actually do not place a lot of importance on lyrics when enjoying music. although i have very high lyric retention and comprehension, i focus more on the sound than the literal words, so a fair amount of rap is swing-and-a-miss in my personal listening. plus when you add a language barrier on top of that, a lot of the nuance and technical skill of it just flies over my head. so i really dont have much to say about the sonic elements this time around, sorry. also.....i know i joked that nobody from the kingdom staff is reading my reviews.....but is someone from the kingdom staff reading my reviews????? i specifically mentioned that i think skz should do an art themed stage and then we got one????? i know i manifested the punk ateez stage but did i manifest this also??? am i just that powerful???

costume

obviously these are pretty basic rap/hiphop stage looks, but the white was a really good choice for visibility’s sake, and also thematically: it reflects the colours in the lighting really well.

i am DYING to know who the designer of minhyuks jacket is. if somebody knows please tell me i love it so much. it looks like some of the recent belted jackets that dior was putting out, but the drawing on the front armscythe piece reminds me of the superm/kim junggi collab for tiger inside. say whatever you want about superm, but you cannot deny that that is not some of the coolest merch on the kpop scene.

loved the traditional korean elements that came through in addition to the western references: the screens, hongjoong’s fan, minhyuk’s big fuckoff brush, the masks, and the sleeves on the dancers at minhyuk’s bit. those are a costume feature from a style of korean traditional masked dance called bongsan talchum. the masks themselves are versions of hahoetal masks, which are used in a very specific archetypal ritual dance in andong. i think these are imae masks, who is the servant/fool archetype that mocks the nobleman and the scholar. i suspect that was a deliberate choice, but i can only speculate.

another point about the masks which is not relevant but maybe a fun fact for people who don’t know. i actually thought at first that they were western theatre half masks, which are a very old style of mask that, like with hahoetal masks, represent a number of archetypes/stock characters. maskwork is a very common training practice in theatre schools, because it teaches body language and control, because half your face is covered and you cannot speak in your own voice (sometimes you cannot speak at all, this is one of the rules of full mask). the tradition of usings masks to portray emotion goes all the way back to the ancient greek chorus, but more commonly people in the west sometimes know it from the italian commedia dell’arte, of which you will have definitely seen some of the character archetypes before. i just find it neat that the same types of art pop up in different places seemingly independently of each other. humans are cool.

set

not much to say here, it's pretty bare with just some propwork. thought the screen use was fun and they used it smartly in a couple of transitions. 

thought changbin’s bit of ‘interrupting’ the artists was cute and fun. there’s obviously a picasso reference there, and the four technicolour paintings are a reference to andy warhol’s pop art silkscreen portraits, most famously of marilyn monroe, but he also did many other celebrities in the 70s and 80s.

lighting

i LOVED this lighting. super bright and fun, lots of use of colour, obviously. the projections were there to enhance the visuals and weren’t distracting in any way. i thought the transition to black and white/ink with minhyuk was smart and had good contrast, it gave a strong rhythm to build back up to for the climax.

sound

bang chan’s ‘spelling colour with a u’ bit had me SCREAMING with laughter. we spell colour with a u normally bang chan, the americans are the ones that are wrong. 

staging

i don’t really have a whole lot to say here, it was pretty straightforward and fun. like i’ve said in previous reviews, i wish they were more conscious of the steadicam direction and would stop showing extended bits of the production crew. at least everyone was wearing full blacks this time.

fun use of the upward angle combined with the groundwork/leg choreo during hongjoong’s verse, that was a highlight for me.

sf9 + tbz + ikon

nothing against this stage, the other one just hit harder for me. bobby is the best rapper on the show and he really carried this stage with his charisma. he’s a fun performer to watch and he knows how to command a space. i'm sure there’s technical notes that people have about the raps themselves, but i'm here looking at visuals as a priority, which i'm sure you’ve all grasped at this point.

costume

these were clearly extensions of these idol’s personal styles, with is a perfectly fine choice, especially for a rap stage where the emphasis is more on authorship. LOVED bobby’s 11yro girl at recess look.

amusing that both rap stages involved paint in some way? loved the backup dancers shooting supersoakers filled with paint at them, but i wish i knew the reason for it? i'm glad i saw this stage first because i would have been underwhelmed by the paint throwing if i had seen this after rainbow bonanza.

set

almost no set at all here, just a few props. i'm not judging as harshly on lack of set this round because these stages are meant to be more about skill than anything else. 

lighting

i loved the projections, i thought they were unobtrusive and i admit, i LOVE outer space themed anything.

i liked that they did more concert lighting and had no projections in the first half to put more focus on the performers, it really highlighted the fact that this stage was about them, and not about anything extraneous.

sound

it was indeed a song.

staging

i do wish there had been a bit more control of the space, because it did look very empty at some parts and they could have staved that off by keeping tighter camera shots. this stage is so fucking big, holy shit.

they really brought their onstage chemistry and they looked like they were having a blast, which FINALLY!! 

i actually really liked hwiyoung’s opening, i think there was a lot of potential there for some sharp contrast work that i wish had been played through a little more, especially with the cool white light overtop the black costumes. it actually reminded me a bit of the intro in the music video from a rapper i do actually listen to, bewhy’s gottasadae.

glad to see some more use of camera effects with the black and white, but why did they do it over the paint throwing? it just made the trajectory of the paint invisible because there was no colour contrast.

performance stages

sf9 + tbz + ikon

ok obviously im gonna have a lot more to say about the performance stages, nobody is surprised there. this one was the better constructed of the two and my personal pick for better stage, but i actually liked watching the both of them equally.

costume

king shit, literally. we love contemporary hanbok in this house. there was good colour and style distinction between the three of them without clashing. 

costume change was fun and neatly blocked, it's pretty common to see backup dancers and chorus hiding quickchanges but i liked how this was a more unusual formation.

taeyang rocking the organza skirt and the big purple eyeshadow, thank you for keeping it cunty as always.

i really liked juyeon’s underlayer look. finally we get a good tbz costume look thats thematically relevant!

set

like all the stages this round, pretty minimal. the setting was almost entirely established through the costumes and the projections, which is some really good designwork. it's pretty much just the litters (the lifted chairs they entered on), and some smaller props. they managed to not make the stage feel empty because there was a lot of projection visuals to compensate, which is difficult to do without being overbearing, but i think they mostly pulled it off.

i originally thought it was gonna be weird to try and mesh the traditional korean architectural aesthetic with the weird mnet deco, but i ended up not noticing it as much as i thought i would.

lighting

like i just said, projections very well done and do a fantastic job of conveying setting without being overly distracting. like with the atz/skz/btob rap stage there’s a really broad range of colour use here that they offset by brightening and properly fill lighting the faces so you can actually see what’s happening.

the use of the strobing lasers and more concert style lighting fit really well with the change in the music from traditional instrument sounds to electronica and the more hiphop/isolated movements.

sound

i liked it well enough! i think it had a good arc that we can see echoed through the rest of the piece, like previously stated in the lighting and movement style. 

staging

like i mentioned with the quickchange, there was some really interesting formations using the backup dancers here, especially as a lead toward/away from the camera

having the three of them enter on litters; again, literal king shit, love to see it.

this has a pretty clear narrative that doesnt really need an external explanation, which is good. i have to assume that the burning of the paper with 妃 (concubine) is intended to be a gesture of ‘burning’ the love out of their hearts, but that was the only thing i'm still confused on. this may very well turn out to be a reference to a specific story that i just have no idea what it is, but we’ll see once the subs are out!

i loved juyeons solo bit with the alcohol drinking and the table flip, that was the choreographic highlight for me. i just really wish he would use the other muscles in his face more often. we know youre pretty, you dont have to blue steel your way through all your performances!! take a page out of donghyuk’s book and make some ugly faces, it's good for you!!

i though taeyang’s swordwork was fine, but since i do actually have a decade of sword training i'm very judgemental. it's not bad, he obviously has practiced with the weapon and he knows how to control it, but he doesn’t have the same understanding as someone who has trained with a sword as a weapon and not just as a prop. if we hadn’t seen another stage with swordwork in it i probably wouldn’t have brought this up (that's a lie, i still would have brought it up, i have a third dan), but you can really see the difference between how minhyuk moves with his sword and how taeyang moves. a lot of this has to do with the proper weighting of the blade, which i mention briefly in my second episode review in btob’s section (and also this ask here, where i talk about properly weighted weapons in relation to the gun choreo in sf9’s and ateez’s previous stages); minhyuk is likely using a ‘real’ sword (it’s blunted but still made using proper methods and materials), and taeyang is using a cheaper-made replica (unless you’re doing full contact striking a LOT there’s no way a properly made blade breaks like that. also you would never tape it together hello??? respect the blade). if you know what you’re looking for, you can tell from the movements themselves when someone has training. minhyuk did a load of real training for a film where he was a swordsman, and you can tell; the sword is an extension of his arm, all the movements lead with the tip of the blade first, because that’s your first, your fastest, and your most dangerous point. you do 90% of your cutting with the first eight inches of blade, but it takes a lot of specific training to get your hands and arms to a place where that kind of movement is possible. taeyang’s movements are driven from his hands, which is unsurprising, because that’s where he’s used to his extensions stopping. the tip follows rather than leads. wow this got insanely sidetracked i hope you liked this crash course on swordwork.

this is pretty much what i expected to see from this unit. these three groups all have standout soloists, so i wasn’t surprised to see these three boys as the picks. juyeon and taeyang especially, theyre both from groups that are more likely to do experimental stages and choreography that highlights them as soloists and skilled dancers.

skz + btob + atz

this was a letdown from ateez’s last two stages, because they knocked those out of the park, but it's only fair that they have a bit of a fall. that being said, i did really enjoy watching this for its sheer ridiculousness; i’m forgiving the wolf concept this time because well, it’s wolf. you can't cover wolf and not do a wolf concept, that’s against the law. also, like i’ve said before, i'm all for dark concepts IF you give them thematic weight. is it on the nose? yes. is it thematically relevant? also yes. is it dumb? also also yes, but that’s never stopped a single kpop group in the history of ever.

costume

friendship restored with ateez stylists, rivalry started with skz stylists. the fur shoulder fluffs??? stupid and i love them. perfect in every way. however i keep seeing the same fucking costumes on the skz boys and i will come directly for the stylists at jype if they dont get their shit together. be! more! creative!!!

i really really wish they had gone more 2013 kpop with it, we need more of that ugly ridiculous styling. peniel was actually pretty close, with the overly long tunic and those yellow lenses. very vixx on and on (yes i know they were vampires from outer space, let me live)

i actually thought the wolf gloves were fun? the small bits of uv paint actually worked instead of looking out of place, and i'm glad they put them on wooyoung because the uglier an outfit, the better he pulls it off. 

set

same dice, just the long table and the camo net at the beginning, which i thought was unnecessary. the table was useful for levels though, so happy to see they utilized that.

lighting

there is so much happening all the time. lots of lasers. it's definitely aiming for camp territory, and i dont actually hate it as much as i did on my first watch. it actually wasn’t as dark as i thought either, because its mostly lit with blue and amber. but it doesn’t really have that great of an arc and its not really that good on the whole.

the projections are a bit much for me, but that’s only when i'm actually looking at them. true to form, i didn’t even notice the excess of red slashes until like my fourth rewatch because i was too busy watching the performers.

sound

rookie exo my beloved. the original wolf goes so hard for absolutely no reason, so i’m not knocking this stage for being ridiculous. in fact it should have been more ridiculous. i think they did a fine job updating the song for a.....less 2013 sound. 

i like that they didn’t bother to live sing the stage even though they recorded vocals for it, it gave them all a chance to actually focus on just the dance.

that being said, i am kind of missing all the adlibs from the original. but even though there’s some strong vocalists in this unit, they aren’t made of the same stuff as baekhyun, luhan, chen, AND d.o.

i literally just realized that peniel had already debuted when this song came out AND is technically exo’s senior because btob debuted like two weeks before exo officially did.....oh no

staging

choreographically this feels a lot more like the skz stages that we’ve seen rather than the ateez ones, so i'm curious as to who the choreographer was. 

the tricking was definitely more ridiculous in this one, but i can't really say any of it was there for no reason because it all had elements of fighting in it. the scale of the tricks was quite large though and not very well blended with the rest of the choreo, which ending up making them look awkward. i thought it was a nice detail that they shone a green toplight on the dancers that made up the cliff wooyoung climbed up so that it looked like there was grass on it. cute.

the blocking is lacking a lot of fluidity, and i think that’s partially the scale of the tricking and also the editing, because this editing is TERRIBLE. there’s so much cutting, why is there so much cutting!! haven’t we already learned that longtakes are the best for this???

there’s a lot of stuff here that had good potential but could have been pushed a little farther. i feel like i say this for every mediocre stage, but what can i say, i'm good at constructive criticism. 

they should have given more showcase to the tree and the scratching arms; it's the most iconic move!! i also wish they had kept some kind of iteration of the different unit ‘leaping’ in over the exiting one, i always thought that part of the original choreo was really fun and did a lot for establishing them as wolves. 

i LOVED peniel entering with all those backup dancers in chains, thats some fucking iconic shit. very ‘im the alpha wolf,’ which is valid because he’s like at LEAST five years older than everyone else on the stage. i wish that instead of being the backup dancers it was the actual members, because THAT would have been an image. theyre all wearing harnesses and collars anyways, just clip em in! he’d be like one of those dogwalkers!

me last week: specifically talking about how krump is an uncommon style in kpop and it's very hard to get right kingdom, throwing the manifesting dodgeball at me for the third time: here would you like a KRUMP SOLO?

if you didnt believe me before that krump is hard to get right, i sure hope you do now. peniel did fine, but you can see how easily you can veer off into looking ridiculous.

some conclusions

i mentioned this really briefly in an ask i got earlier today, but i do think it's important to establish that the two performance units are doing two different types of performances. i can understand why people are underwhelmed by the atz/skz/btob stage and wanted it to be less of a traditional kpop dance stage and more like the experimental stages we’ve been seeing for the last few weeks. and i agree! i think they could have done more with it. but i also think that this kind of stage was a good choice for this particular subunit. unlike with the sf9/tbz/ikon unit, there are not really any standout technical soloists in ateez or skz. ateez has, in my opinion, the highest ratio of dancers with actual stage presence of any of the 4th gen groups ive seen. they’re at a solid 75% for any given performance, and occasionally they can bump that higher depending on the stage. that high of a stat is rare. it's extremely rare for a group to have all its members have good stage presence (i can think of like, maybe two or three?), and to get over 50% is pretty damn impressive. but ateez’s strength isn’t in how good they individually are as dancers, but it's in how well they work together. there’s a reason why they put FIVE of them in the performance unit. one of the first things i said about ateez to hanya is ‘i love wooyoung but he doesn’t stand out when he's not centre.’ which is for good reason!! he’s not supposed to! they all willingly give up centre and take it back when they need to, because they have that charisma. there’s a very cohesive push and pull to watching ateez that speaks to their strengths as performers. dancing in a group where you are all meant to be equal is a very different skill than just being a talented soloist. you have to understand what to prioritize in a different way. taemin dances differently with shinee that he does in his solo career, especially since they’ve been back. he understands when to step back; more often than not i find key to be the standout dancer in shinee choreo.

this is a very long winded way of saying that wolf was a good choice for them even though the stage didn’t turn out as well as it could have. also the fact that they made a cohesive performance at all, with a week of rehearsal and while working with essentially strangers is a feat and speaks to all of their skill at their job. performing in a group is a huge part of kpop, and they did call this the performance stage, and not the dance stage.

i'm not entirely sure on what the breakdown is on why each of the subunits were formed. i know the team sizes are extremely uneven, with sf9/tbz/ikon clocking in at 26 people and atz/skz/btob clocking in at 17 (i'm not counting changsub because he's not there and probably has a scheduling conflict), which is like, a whole extra group of difference. but atz/skz/btob utilizing their whole groups for each of the units (5/3/1 for performance, 1/3/1 for rap, and 1/1/1 for vocal, for 7/7/3 total), verses sf9/tbz/ikon only bringing out six people for these two stages and then six for the vocal stage is......weird? that's over half of their group number that’s not performing. i do think the groups brought out their standout performers and made smart choices with the stages but the balance still strikes me as odd. i do wish tbz had actually done some group choreo because they are very strong group performers and it would have been fun to watch.

ateez really played the long game here, good job boys. teaming up with the group who gets the highest fan votes AND the group with the strongest technical skills? i see you.

i think this is probably too wild of an assumption and is only based on circumstantial evidence but.....i think hongjoong might actually have a lot more creative sway than i previously thought. all the stages he’s been a part of have been very well designed, and i know he provided suggestions for the two ateez stages prior to this... i’m probably thinking too much. 

ok you know what i know there were some other points in my brain somewhere but this is already 4000 words so i’m going to stop. if i remember anything else its probably gonna end up in the answer to some of the asks i’m inevitably going to get because i think my opinions on these ones are a little bit more controversial, whoops!

not entirely sure if ill do an extensive review for next week’s stage, because i'm not really a ballad fan and i dont really do vocal reviews, but i could do a quick one. i guess it also depends on what else they put in the episode. we’ll see!!

[redhawtriot]

Baby Boom (Bakugou x Reader)

Sooo... I think It’s the size of my tag list that was fucking this chapter up so much! Every time I have more than my previous chapter had, this chapter deletes itself from my page/drafts! I’ve contacted Tumblr about it, but don’t cross ur finger’s on that one lol. I am sorry if you weren't able to make the list!

(If you beta read for me you could read the chapters up to an entire day ahead of every else tho! If ur interested in that, just inbox me!)

HnM

Tip Jar ☕- Not expected but always appreciated💞

Month 1, Month 2 , Month 3,

--Month 4--

‘SLAM!’

The front door crashed shut like ammunition through cannon fire. The sharp bang clapped and echoed throughout the small, otherwise quiet living space, and soon, three roommates filed out of their respective rooms. One by one, they inched out to get a glimpse of the oncoming storm: Hurricane Katsuki.

Denki warily removed his gaming headpiece as Bakugou whipped past his bedroom door, “Oh hey, Bakugou! You sure disappeared outta nowhere. We coulda used the backup in squads! Where’d ya go, man!?” 

The others listened carefully for the explosive blond’s answer, but got nothing short of an insult in return,

“None of your business, you damn idiots. GO DIE ALREADY!” and with that, Hurricane Katsuki simply slammed the door shut-- somehow even louder than before.

Kaminari, who had gotten the brunt of the explosion, was left wide eyed,

“Woah…”

Sero gave a low whistle as he shook his head at Bakugou’s shut door, “Looks like a wild Teenage Bakugou has entered the chat.”

Denki gave an abrupt, slightly uncomfortable chuckle at the remark, but soon gulped, giving his roommates a concerned gaze, “So… should we…” he trailed off.

Kirishima fervently nodded, stepping fully out into the hallway, “I’ll go check on him, guys.” He flexed before making his way to Bakugou’s room—a nervous habit he had picked up somewhere along the line to reassure himself before he dived headfirst into rough situations.

He looked back to his other two roommates one last time and threw a pleading glance as if to say “Wish me all of the luck” before giving a few slight knocks to the rage-secreting room, “Bakugou,” he called out, “You okay, buddy? I know that there is something up. There’s no point in hiding it…we can talk?”

No answer.

Kirishima gave a long sigh, “Well, when you finally want to talk about it, you know where to find me...” 

The other roommates sighed as well before both retreating to their rooms and shutting their doors. Kiri turned to make his way back to his room as well, but only made it a few feet before Bakugou’s door sharply yanked open a few inches.

“Where are those other idiots?” Bakugou’s eyes were redder than their usual vermilion as he glared out from the cracked doorway. Kirishima gave a thick blink in surprise. Had he… had he been crying?

“They back in their rooms?” Bakugou said very lowly. His voice had an extra hint of raspiness weighing it down, Kirishima noticed.

“Y-Yeah.” Eijirou quickly replied, startled by the unseemly sight of his best friend, “They’re prolly back on the game by now.” Bakugou did not say another word as he threw his door open a few more inches and marched deeper into his room to stiffly throw himself on the edge of his bed. Kirishima cautiously followed him-- this was as good of an invitation as any in ‘Bakugou language.’

Bakugou sat, glaring seriously at the floor in front of him, as if it offended him, and his leg bounced nervously. The red head uncomfortably cleared his throat. ‘Holy shit, what the hell is going on…?’  Kirishima had never seen him do that before, “You.. uh.. you wanna talk about it, buddy?”

No answer.

Kirishima waited a few beats before releasing another sigh and shutting the door behind him so that he could make his way to the bed. He sat down next to his best friend and simply sat deep in the silence with him. The two waited for what seemed like hours before someone finally spoke up,

“I got a girl pregnant,” Bakugou said very flatly, still glaring at the floor and bouncing his leg.

Kirshima had to stifle the choke that erupted out of his throat as his own saliva sneaked into his larynx, “Ack! Achkaka!” His natural bodily functions were completely forgotten as his brain tried to compute the sudden and drastic information that was just thrown at him.

Bakugou?? Pregnant? He never thought he would hear the words in the same room, let alone the same sentence! The guy hardly ever did anything but work, work out and come home to play video games. He didn’t converse with people. He didn’t get girls pregnant. Girls didn’t even look at him!

In his coughing fit, Kirishima’s speech was also forgone, “I-I- uh.. man that.. wow I…” he tripped and tumbled over his words. He was dreaming. He had to be. Well, either that or he had wandered into some strange episode of the Twilight Zone or something.

Bakugou’s glare at the floor intensified, “I thought she might not be so bad… but I didn’t want to be with her like this,” Kirishima’s eyes widened at the underlying tone of hurt buried under his friend's words, and then they widened even further once he realized what he just said.

Had Bakugou fallen for someone for the first time?? And then his eyes widened the furthest as things finally began to click within his confused mind.

He sucked into a sharp gasp, “You mean that model!?”

Bakugou simply scoffed, finally relieving his glare form the ground and focusing his hot gaze on Kirishima, “Yeah, turns out she’s actually a fucking bitch.”

Kirishima’s jaw dropped, “BAKUGOU! That’s the mother of your child! You shouldn’t—”

“She didn’t remember the night at all. I was just another fuck toy for her,”  Bakugou stood up and clenched his fists over and over again as if they itched to be slammed against something—tears welling up in his red-hot eyes, “Now tell me if the roles were reversed, how shitty it’d be then, huh?” Kirishima immediately shut his mouth from speaking up anymore as he allowed his friend to release his feelings. It wasn’t often that Bakugou built up enough to let things out this way.

Bakugou scoffed again as he began pacing the room, but Kirishima swore that it had the hint of a cry layered within it somewhere, “they might not even be mine since she likes that ‘fuck toy shit’ so much. That night meant nothing to her…” he threw his arm against the wall, effectively tearing a hole into it

Kirishima jumped a bit from the action as his mind briefly wandered to the security deposit on their lease. He pushed these thoughts away as Bakugou stiffly returned to the bed, his leg bouncing even more fervently than before.

Kirishima simply watched for a moment to allow his friend to simmer down before he spoke up very softly, “But you think it is yours though…”

Bakugou’s eyes snapped up to Kirishima’s, whose eyebrows were furrowed deeply into each other as he stared back.

In all his years of knowing Katsuki Bakugou, Kirishima would have never described his best friend with anything even resembling ‘gullible.’ His gut feeling and instinct were as sharp as ever and hardly ever wrong,

“Must be for a reason then…” he tried to look past the tears that filled up within his best friends eyes but they still left his heart feeling a little heavier than usual,  “If you think it’s yours then I’ll have your back no matter what buddy. You’re not alone in this.”

“They.”

“What…” Kirishima eyebrows folded toward the center of his expression.

“She’s having fucking twins.”

“Holy Sh…” Kirishima quickly swallowed his words as he took in the forlorn expression plastered onto his friend’s face. There was no room for him to be shocked right now. He had to be Bakuous ‘rock’ so to speak, “I-I mean congratulations!”

Meanwhile you found yourself studying the woman in the reflection of your mirror. Your eyes trailed every detail of her swollen, red eyes. Then to her hair that was fuller than you had remembered—the beauty of bottled color maybe? You danced over the way that loose strands stuck to the slimy mess of tears and mucosa that had accumulated on your cheeks.

Nasty.

A sharp chuckle came out of you, spittle following not too shortly after, but as it reached your ears it resembled more of a cry.

Okay, that’s enough self loathing for one lifetime.

And with that, you moved away from the mirror; however, as you did so, your sight basically smacked the open cabinet of liquor bottles that you were eyeing earlier.

Okay…. Maybe not quite enough self loathing. Your mouth began watering at the delectable sight. It was a desert after a delicious four course meal.  There was always room for more…

With a shake of your head, you brought your hand up to smack these thoughts out of your mind. What was wrong with you? You had been a lot of things in life, but were you really so low to bring yourself to effectively murdering your own children?

That’s what would happen if you drank, right?

You loudly groaned as more tears slipped from your eyes. You really didn’t know shit when it came to this pregnancy thing.

Your mind briefly wondered to Baby Notes Vol 1. You should probably take the time to actually read through it a little. Skimming it wouldn’t kill you.

Physically.

The sudden pounding at your door snapped you almost immediately out of your thoughts.

“Y/N?? Y/N, it’s me!”

With a final pathetic sigh you found yourself gathering up all the alcohol from the cabinets that you could into your arms and placing them in the bathtub before jotting over to the door.

As soon as you opened it Deku barged in and gripped you softly,  “I came as soon as you called! What’s up, what's wrong?! Are you okay??” His eyes frantically danced around your wet eyes and red sockets before he allowed them to roam all over you, checking for injury.

He wouldn’t ever think that Kacchan was the type of guy to put his hands on you, especially with how much he’s grown since high school, but the nagging voice in the back of Izuku’s mind fervently reminded him of all of the bruises and burns and numberless emotional scars he accumulated with he was quirkless from his childhood friend.

And here was a woman he deeply cared about-- quirkless—having to spend time alone with said childhood friend.

“What’s wrong??” Izuku found himself repeating as his hands mindlessly wiped the fluid from your cheeks. As soon as he committed the action, however, his face ran completely red and he quickly released you from his grip, so that he could get a grip of himself.

You didn’t notice his slip up, and if you did you sure as hell didn’t care at the moment. There were more pressing matters at hand. Two to be exact, “Twins,” you simply said to him as tears began flowing down your cheeks more furiously.

“Huh? Oh… Oh.” Izuku’s eyes went wide as your words sunk in. As soon as he threw you an obviously apologetic glance you threw yourself into his chest and sobbed throwing him a bit off guard as he barely caught you in his arms.

Izuku’s eyes nervously roamed around your home as if he were searching for the right thing to say to you, but as he made contact with an open pantry in your kitchen, his jaw dropped-- your alcohol pantry.

It was far less full than it had been the last time that he visited, “Y/N… What’s with the… have you been drinking?” he pulled you away from his chest and looked seriously into your eyes.

The sight honestly kind of scared you a little—like a 15-year-old being caught with their first beer-- that is, until you remembered that you were innocent as fuck, “No,” you gave a slight chuckle through your tears at the sudden surge of intimidation, “I need your help getting rid of it.”

You walked away from Izuku for a moment, leaving him confused and a bit wary of where this was going, until you returned with a hammer—leaving him even more concerned,

You were aiming for bad ass Harley Quinn vibes, but you were sure that with a dried trail of tears on your cheeks and the force smile splitting your face you came across like more of a psycho ass Harley Quinn. Furthermore, the look on Deku’s face screamed that you were correct (also it screamed ‘GET THIS GIRL IN A STRAIGHT JACKET!’).

“What are you gonna do with THAT?” Izuku squealed.

“I need to get my favorite bottles out of the house. Stat. and you're gonna help me.” At your words, Deku gave a gigantic sigh of relief, but still kept his eyes glued on the hammer in your hands. You noticed and shrugged a bit, “Smashing things is also really cathartic. I am sure you of all people can agree with that.”

“Heh… Yeah. But are you sure this is okay? I mean, I don't want to raise your blood pressure or anything because--”

“Deku. Less talk, more smash,” you threw a towel in your tub to make clean up a little easier, and so you didn't knock a chunk of tile on your bathtub. You gave Deku one last glance. He was still looking very uncertain, but you threw him a short smile before bringing the hammer down onto a bottle of tequila. The bottle instantly shattered, sending bits of glass throughout your tub. You looked up to give Deku an excited glance, and surprisingly, he returned one right back.

“See? Not so bad!” 

But you spoke too soon as the scent kicked you in the fucking nose. It was too far to turn back now. You choked down your nausea and handed Deku the Hammer, “You go ahead and get started. I’ll go get another weapon-- I mean… tool,” you corrected yourself after he sent you a terrified stare.

As you made your way back to the after grabbing your second weapon-- I mean tool a sudden thought crossed your mind. Without hesitation, you pulled your phone out and dialed in,

“Hello?”

“Yes. How may I help you today?” Dr. Yamakawa sounded from the other line.

“It’s Y/N…Y/N L/N…” you trailed off, hoping that you wouldn't have to say the ‘p word’ or anything relating to it.

His old ass better take the hint. To your dismay, his old ass did not take the hint, and a long pause of awkward silence filled the air.

You pursed your lips together in annoyance, “Mama Bakugou,” you clarified through gritted teeth, still dancing around the fact that you were a maternity patient of his.

“Ohhhhh!” He exclaimed, causing your face to fall into an expression of disappointment as he continued, “What can I do for you, Mama Bakugou?!”

This mf. You internally ground and fought the urge to facepalm, “Well. I need you to write a doctors note for me.”

“For…?”

“Work?”

“For your pregnancy? Dear, why don’t you just take maternity leave for that?”

“No.” In the moment you shook your head even knowing that he couldn't see you,  “I need a few weeks more before I can tell my job about this… situation. I’m a model. They own me through a contract and I didn't exactly add two roommates to the lease on my body...”

There was a pause on the other line, causing your heart to lurch a bit, but things soon went back to normal when he finally spoke up, “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll email you something.”

You gave one final thanks (and an internal ‘yessss’) before making your way back to the bathroom, “Hey Deku, sorry it took me so long I was just--” you froze at the sight in front of you. The shirt that Izuku wore was completely drenched in liquid and your tub had a gigantic hole on the side.

Your lips fumbled over themselves as you gawked at the spectacle. Deku could only send you a nervous laugh,

“Uh, hahaaa… Can we be done now? This… this burns,” he rapidly blinked the liquid from his eyes as he glances back down to the lot of broken bottles in your tub before throwing your one more pleading glance.

You choked down a laugh, causing it to flee from you in the form of a snort, “Someone had some pent up aggression, huh?”

In response, his face delved into a deep shade of red, “I.. uh..” he had no idea how to answer you when you looked at him like that-- your lips curved into a stunning smirk of a smile. Izuku promptly cleared his throat, “C-can I take a shower?”

“Obviously not that one-- you're totally fixing that by the way Mr. Big Shot Hero,” with a laugh you swiftly made your way to him and carefully grabbed the hammer from his grasp, looking up to see his face dive even deeper into crismon. You flashed a smile at the display. He really was adorable as hell.

You took in his face bit by bit-- his soft, blushed skin, his freckles cheeks, his round eyes. As you digested his expression you swore you could see an entire forest within his stare. Suddenly your heart pinged.

“Uh, Y/N,” Izuku interrupted your thoughts, causing your heart to throb for a different reason as you suddenly realized the proximity of the two of you. You stepped back so fast that your head spun. At least, you hoped that was why your head was spinning,

“You can use my shower.” you said very abruptly as you turned away from him,gesturing him to follow you to your bedroom.

Your bedroom. Your hear throbbed once more. Deep down, you hoped that you were about to have a heart attack or something; however, something  within you told you that that probably was not the case. You swallowed hard.

What the fuck was happening?

‘KNOCK kNOCK KNOCK’

The next morning you found yourself stirring awake to a loud succession of banging. Your eyes fluttered open for a moment only before they snapped back shut. The magnet drawing them together and you closer to sleep was much stronger than whatever noise was trying to wake you up, “Mhmfmfm…” you muttered as you rolled over on the couch and pulled the blanket over your head.

Izuku, however, was not one to ignore such an obvious noise and he found himself trudging off of the other sofa he slept on to answer whoever was banging on the door.

‘KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!’

“Coming!” the green haired man tiredly called out as he launched himself toward the front door and swung it open.

The astounded face on the other side of the entrance soon mirrored his own.

“Kacchan!” Izuku exclaimed.

Bakugou’s shocked expression very quickly contorted into one of pure rage, “What the hell is going on here?!” He screamed causing you to jolt awake as you threw the blanket over your head. You found yourself fumbling up as Bakugou continued to scream pointed to Deku, “The fuck is he here for??”

You made your way over to the two men- one seemingly terrified, and the other obviously enraged. As your head began lifting from the daze of sleep, you crossed your arms and glared at Bakugou, “He spent the night helping me with something,” you shook your head, trying to free yourself from the oncoming headache, “Hey, better question: why are you here?”

Bakugou seemed to swallow his own tongue as his jaw clenched shut, “I wanted to… uh…” he glared at the ground as he tried to find his next words. Shit. why was this so fucking hard? He should have never listened to that Shitty Hair and come over here. Bakugou scoffed to himself before redirecting his stern gaze back toward you, “Come with me.”

You could only blink.

What kind of caveman talk…You tilted your head as you fleetingly threw a confused glance toward Deku, who only shrugged in response.

Bakugou quickly grew tired of yours and Dekus silent conversation, “You wanna hang out or not??” he growled before throwing another heated finger toward Deku,  “And he can’t come.”

“I was just heading out anyways. It’s no big deal really!” Izuku defensively threw his hands up as if to show Bakugou that he was no threat at all. He went to gather a few of his belongings from the sofa he slept on before throwing Bakugou one more gaze-- this one a lot more astute.

A majority of Midoriya’s mind told him that there was nothing to worry about at all, but there was still a small section of him that couldn't shake the memories of how Bakugou treated him as a quirkless child. Izuku knew that he would never hurt you! But… just in case…

“You take care of her Kacchan,” the tone came off pleadingly but the look in his eyes was a  bit stern. You had never seen this portion of Deku before and it almost instantly caused your chest to thud, harshly reminding you of last night’s sensations. Shit.

“Don't tell me what the fuck to do, Deku. Those are my kids in there. Not yours. You just remember that,” Bakugou scoffed, causing Izuku’s expression to falter ever so slightly before he fixed it again.

Your jaw dropped at the sheer bluntness of his statement, “Kacchan, what the f--”

“I guess you’re right, Kacchan,” Izuku began, “Sorry if  I crossed a boundary,” he smiled at Bakugou-- who only huffed in return-- and quickly turned to you, making the tightness in your chest worse, “Bye, Y/N!” Izuku smiled, almost too innocently, considering the raging war in your gut at the moment.

You smiled back-- a feeble attempt at masking the inner turmoil ravaging your insides. “Peace, bb,” you gave him a weak hug before gesturing him out of your home. You threw him one final smile before shutting the door. You instantly whipped your head back around the the blonde brat behind you, “What. The. Fuck!?”

“I already told you. I want to hang out.”

“Are you fucking allergic to texting or some shit??” you yelled, “You just waltz in like you own the damn place and demand me to ‘Ohhh ahhh wo-man! come with me, wo-man’,” you renacthed his prehistoric behavior. 

Bakugou felt his muscles tighten in response to your taunting. Your loud nature, mixed with the confrontational behavior was reminding him way too much of his own mother. He swore on his life that he would never end up with  a woman like her and yet, here he was standing in front of her fucking carbon copy. The thought made him sick as he groaned in frustration,

“Shitty hair was fucking wrong!” Bakugou spat, causing your eyebrows to furrow in confusion as he continued, “The last thing I want to do is hang out with a bitching hag like you!!”

Your jaw dropped, “Excuse me??” You have heard pretty much every other insult in the book hurdled at you, but ‘hag’ was never one of them. You laughed, “I wasn’t a hag when you fucked me all night, huh?!”

“Yeah? I don't know what was wrong with me then. You are way different when I am not pumped full of alcohol, apparently.”

Your laughter immediately ceased, “Whatever. you came up to me and confessed your love like a raging SIMP, and now all of a sudden I’m a bitch?

“Fuck! Well, I got to know you past a pretty, stupid, fucking face!”

You blinked in shock. The unfamiliar feeling of your heart sinking into the pit of your stomach overwhelmed you as hurt surrounded your face. Practically your entire life, being beautiful has been a mask of sorts for your overwhelming failures. Still, here this man was-- practically a stranger-- seeing past your facade, looking directly into the steaming pile of shit that you truly were. Your eyes suddenly became warm as tears filled them,

“Then why the fuck are you even here, asshole?? TO PISS ME OFF?” you shouted, throwing your hands by your side and clenching them so tightly that your nails dug into your skin.

“BECAUSE  I WANTED TO KNOW ALL OF YOU!” he screamed back. The shocking words fled out from under his harsh tone and stunned you as your brain processed them. You felt your fist unfurl a bit as he continued, “I wanted to know you. Good and bad. Bitchy and not. You're carrying my children… I want to know them,” he finished, almost defeated. This tell of emotion was obviously the last thing he wanted to be doing, you could tell.

Still, it meant a  lot for some reason that he felt that he could do this with you “Oh,” you breath out, unable to articulate much else.

“Oh?!” he angrily repeated. Bakugou felt his face shrivel in disgust. He just poured out his being to you once more for you to trample on it like a fucking gymnast mat. However, as Bakugou formed his mouth to say something else, you halted him,

“Go… have a seat,” you gestured to the couch, blinking the accumulating liquid in your eyes away. The blond could only shoot a lone eyebrow up in response, causing you to sigh in exasperation,  “Well, Are you just gonna stand there looking like that, or what?” he gave you one final scoff before making his way to one of your couches and seating himself comfortably, propping one of his feet on your coffee table as he glared at the non functioning television.

“Welcome, I guess. I am sure you’ll have no issue making yourself comfortable,” you deadpanned, eyeing his propped up legs,  “I’ll go make us some… tea?” you suggested , but no answer came from him, “Tea it is.”

You rolled your eyes before trudging away. You always loved green tea, but for some reason the smell had been killing you lately, so you opted for peppermint tea instead. It was inferior by, far, but it matched the inferior, pathetic life that you had adopted recently.

Jeez. How much self deprecation can you fit into one week? Would this have any effect on the babies? If so, they’d probably come out singing RnB or some shit in the maternity ward. They’d have already stressed dyed hair and an entire Tumblr dedicated to sad aesthetics before they reached their first birthday, for god's sake.  

You vehemently shook your head to once again get rid of the oncoming headache that snuck in with these disgusting thoughts, “So Kacchan!” you called out as you walked back to the living room, “What do you wanna know?”

“Don’t call me that,” he simply barked.

“What?”

“Don’t call me that name. I fucking hate it.”

You snorted and took a seat next to his glaring figure. You tried not to notice how he shifted further away from you as you sat down, “I am sure Deku disliked being called worthless his whole life too,” you smirked up at him, “I bet he fucking hated it.”

The atmosphere seemed to once more shift into a much heavier tone after your statement and the room fell quiet for a few beats. Bakugou’s small glare morphed into a much more forced one. It was as if he was trying to use the glare to hide another feeling, you noticed.

Finally, he spoke, “How much do you know.”

You tilted your head into another shrug, “Enough to know that you probably hate the fact that I am quirkless.”

His face contorted into one of pure disgust as the glareful mask he wore faded away like yesterday’s lunch.  “I don’t give a fuck,” he argued, but the look you sent him showed no sign of believing it. Bakugou’s disgust deepened, but he made sure to control it enough to where you didn't know that it was directed towards himself.

“Oh really? Let’s see if you can keep that same energy when one of your kids pops out without that flashy quirk of yours,” Of course his face fell, just as you suspected it would. Just like it had for multiple other men you had told.

Most men’s pride utterly shrivels into dust as soon as the pretty girl in front of them-- the one that they fantasize about having a dream life with-- ends up telling them that they are quirkless. As soon as the words fall out of your mouth, the men's dreamy gaze effectively shatters alongside their hopes and dreams concerning you.

Nobody wants to pass weakness onto their children.

“You know what? I think I’ll go first,” you snapped him out of the uncomfortable, uncharacteristic silence, and he gave you an irritated, questioning glance, “You wanted to play 20 questions with me, or whatever. No limitations, okay? And I have the first question for you,” you explained before sending him a challenging gaze, “How could someone so full of hate truly aspire to be a hero?”

You expected him to blow up at you-- to scream, and yell and argue that you were wrong.

Yet.

The slightly apologetic, yet stern look on his face threw you for an absolute loop, “I wanted to win.” he simply answered. Somehow his matter of a factness was worse for you than any furious defensive scenario you had conjured in your mind, but as you went to open your mouth with a roll of your eyes, he halted you,

“That was when I was younger, “ he sharply clarified, “I wanted to win more than anything. To be better than everyone else—and that hasn’t changed but there's more to it now. I have to protect the people I care about—like my idiot roommates—I want to make sure we all come home safe by the end of the night.”

Once again he had thrown you off with a surprisingly normal non-caveman response, “That was actually…”

“My turn,” Bakugou abruptly cut you off, “How many men the you fuck this past few months?”

Your jaw dropped. 

And back to Neanderthal you mother fucking guess! “Are you fucking kiddin—”

“You said no limitations,” he gruffly stated.

You bit your tongue and shot him a glare that could match his own before giving a sharp sigh, “Four during the last year. You were the last and the only one during the month I… conceived,” you swallowed as the word left a bitter taste in your mouth, “My turn. What about you?”

“What.”

“How many women the past year?”

“Why the hell does it matter?” Bakugou argued. Your eyes shot down to his body as it shifted around even further from you. From his body language you could tell that his answer was sure to be outrageously high.

He was an extremely attractive guy after all. Those rippling arms were nothing to fuck around with. His red hot eyes could melt steel beams with a passing glance. The chisel of his permanently hardened expression could slice through even the most secured of panties. 

Yes. and there was no denying that he was a sex god in his own right.

It also didn't help that his temperament sucked, so you doubted he had had many long term relationships. He had all of the ingredients of a man whore stirring within him.

“I’m just curious,” you shrugged.

Bakugou threw his glare away from you for a moment as he contemplated on whether or not to answer your stupid question. He had his own questions to ask you still so he guessed that he didn't really have a choice if he wanted his answers,“...One.”

Your jaw dropped, “Seriously?” as his face fell into a furious shade of red you were smacked with a sudden realization,

“Kacchan, did you... lose your virginity to m...?” He glared even further away from you, but you could still see his ears falling even deeper into red-- effectively giving you your answer, “Oh my…” he trailed off. No wonder he was so fucking head over heels for you! Through your discomfort a horribly timed joke flew past your lips, 

“You knocked her up on the first try huh? You’ve got some super swimmers,” you half laughed, but Bakugou obviously didn't find anything funny about it as he snarled angrily as you,

“Shut up!” he barked, throwing a pillow at you, “My turn. What’s up with you and that shitty Deku?”

The pillow hit you, but it was really his question that had smacked you in the face. Your chest thudded, and you prayed to whoever was listening that he couldn't see the racing of your heart, “He’s just a friend! A really good friend to me. Probably my first actual friend ever,” you said this as a joke, but obviously forgot who you were talking to.

“You didn’t make any in high school?” Bakugou’s face twisted up disbelievingly.

“Never went. Couldn’t afford the tuition...” now it was you who was uncomfortably shifting from him. 

“Your parents didn’t help you out?”

“Slow down there, buckaroo,” you laughed, but his face remained as stern as ever as you continued, “That’s like three questions In a row for you. My turn.”

Luckily he caught the hint and didn't press upon the subject any further.

Through the night, you found out a lot of things about him. He was actually younger than you by a few years at twenty years old. His parents were both fashion designers (probably the biggest fucking shock to you considering his choice of black shirts and flannels) and that he was working on making his own hero agency since he had already climbed up the ranks in Japan.

Your game, however, was cut short by the growling of your stomach.

Bakugou almost immediately stood up, surprising you as he walked to your kitchen. Well, you did say ‘make yourself at home’ but this was a little upfront wasn't it? He soon yelled to you from the kitchen as you sat in shock still, “What do you have to eat in this shit hole?!”

Shit hole? You glance around at the decorations and clean atmosphere that you pride yourself on. That jerk. Your house was not a shit hole! “You can eat shit if you want. I’m not hungry.”

“The hell are you talking about? I just heard your stomach growling.”

You shrugged, “Just indigestion. I get a lot of stomach issues with these things inside of me,” the sudden clanging of pots and pan in your kitchen startled you,  “What the hell are you doing??” you called out before marching to your kitchen.

You found him rummaging through your cabinets, stopping momentarily to judgmentally eye your still plentiful liquor cabinet for a moment before moving on, “You can starve yourself all you fucking want, but you're not fucking starving my kids.”

Your breath hitched in your throat at his accusation, “I’m not starving.”

“You think I’m fucking blind?”

“I have to stay in shape for work. Just like you I am sure,” you walked up to him and grabbed a bicep for demonstration, but he quickly threw your hand away from him as his face fell into a bout of shock. He quickly regained himself,

“Whatever,” he grunted before swinging open your refrigerator.

“What are y—Hey!” you yelped as he began haphazardly throwing food onto one of your counters.

“Is all you have in here rabbit food? Jesus fucking Christ,” he ignored your cries and began throwing certain items together and heating up a pot of water.

You couldn't help but blink at the display. He seemed pretty natural in the kitchen and that in itself was unnatural considering his caveman persona, “You... cook?” you felt uneasy.

“You don’t?”

Honestly, your diet consisted of salads and ramen since you were 15, so cooking wasn't a necessity. You reluctantly shook your head at him.

He looked completely disappointed and disgusted with you but, hey, what else is new? Bakugou scoffed, “Well you’re gonna have to learn how now. Pay attention.”

You rolled your eyes at him. If you wanted fucking Gordon Ramsey bitching you around in the kitchen you would have clicked on that stupid ad that always popped up on your Youtube. Then again, Bakugou was more of a Guy Fieri with that spiky hair of his.

Whatever.

You guessed learning how to cook one meal wouldn't be too terrible,  

“What are you stirring the water for if you didn’t put anything in it yet?”

“It helps it heat up faster, idiot.”

“Do you actually throw the noodles on the wall to see if they’re finished?”

Bakugou threw you a frown, “If you’re a fucking dumbass,” he said, moving you aside as he began stirring a saucer filled with vegetables. He completely disregarded your yelp as he moved you as a parade of thoughts bombarded his mind.

He would have to come over more and keep you and his kids fed if you truly didn’t know how to cook. He scoffed and his stirring hand more slightly more erratically with frustration. What kind of grown woman didn't know how to cook pasta?

His thoughts were halted by a loud squelch that sounded through the air. He immediately threw his gaze up to the wall in front of his face and his expression fell at the sight. He growled, snapping his gaze back toward you by the pot of pasta, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” his furious glare danced between you and the wet noodle that stuck to the wall.

“I wanted to see if it would actually stick! Don’t get your balls in a twist, it was one noodle!”

“So damn wasteful,” Bakugou ground his teeth as he frustratedly scrapped the starchy pasta off of your wall. He opened his mouth to tell you just this, but immediately snapped it back shut as he felt something being thrown at his head, “that better not be what I think it is…” he snarled through his teeth as he eyed food dangling from one of the spines of his hair.

“Don’t worry, Kacchan. It’s not a worm,” you laughed, but your giddiness was soon cut off as a hot noodle was thrown back in your direction. You could only blink as it stuck itself on your nose.

“Hmph,” the corners of Bakugou’s lips slowly curled into a smirk, “It’s a good look on you, noodle face,” You laughed but once again was cut off. The brief sound of his laugh coinciding with your own shocked you.

His smile slowly died down as he caught wind of you gawking at him. He cleared his throat, “Are you done being a child? I’m ready to enjoy my good ass cooking.”

However, you didn't answer him as you once again found a smile creeping onto your face. He rolled his eyes and began making himself a plate of food, but he quickly grew tired of you smiling at him like some bimbo,

“What?!” He snapped, “You want another noodle to the face.”

You shook your head as you shuffled past him to serve yourself a plate, “No.. just you have a nice laugh.”

He scoffed, “That all you're eating?” he completely disregarded your comment but you decided to let it die too,

“I don’t see you with any food on your plate,” you shrugged, “I’d be more worried about yourself if I were you,” you winked at him before setting down at the table.

The night went pretty well after that. So well, in fact, that the two of you decided to have “parental meetings” every few days so that Bakugou could teach you how to cook. You ended up learning how to make 10 more dishes within the next three weeks.

Bakugou and you didn't exactly become close, but there were far less screaming matches than there had been in your first few meetings. You still didn't know him very well, but he wasn't necessarily a stranger anymore.

It was… nice.

The next check up came very quickly because of your lack of employment and your dates-- err um… “parental meetings” with Bakugou.

“Your twins should be about the size of avocados now! We’ll check again with a routine ultrasound. We do have the DNA tests in for you all so I’ll just go and run for those real quick.. well walk briskly. You don’t do an awful lot of running at my age.”

“I don’t do an awful lot of running now,” you joked, and Bakugou sent you a stern glare that screamed, ‘don’t encourage him.’ you shrugged as the doctor walked out of the room.

It was silent for what seemed like forever. You and Bakugou still weren't very good at sparking conversations, but eventually he spoke up as you laid back on the exam table, “You're really fucking showing now.”

You brows instantly came together, high fiving each other in your state of being roasted, “Thanks...” you deadpanned.

The look on your face sent a wave of hurt through the blond’s heart.

What the hell. It was like he felt your hurt. For the first time in a long time, Bakugou actually regretted his choice of words. He glared at the ground as he attempted to change the subject, “You’ve been eating, right?”

“How else Would I be sitting here, looking fat and talking to you, Kacchan.”

“I told you don’t call me that,” he paused, as if he were really considering his next statement, “Call me Katsuki,” he finally dragged out.

You rolled your eyes, “Okay, Kacchan.”

Just as Bakugou open his mouth the no doubt scream at you, Dr. Yamakawa entered the room, 

“Mama Bakugou! We have some really good news. Everything seems fine with the twins according to the DNA testing. One is a little small right now, but it’s completely normal for there to be a dominant twin so to speak. No genetic abnormalities or health concerns,” you saw Bakgou visibly stiffen at this before relaxing as the doctor continued, “’Cept for you.”

You shook your head, blinking heavily as if you’d just been punched in the brow, “Me?”

“You do have a concerning BMI—you tend to lean a little towards underweight. I understand you are in the profession of modeling correct,” he said very, curtly, “You need to add more calories to your daily intake. You wont need to ‘eat for three” as they say, but you do need to put on some substantial pounds or you will risk a premature birth..”

You had no fucking idea what to say to that. ‘Nice?’ ‘Cool beans.’ ‘fucking just give me the mother of the year award already!’ You felt your chest tighten and suddenly you realized you hadn't been breathing. You sucked in abruptly, causing the doctor to take a step towards you,

“You're looking a little flushed there, Mama Bakugou.”

“Well how else is she supposed to respond when you tell her like that, old man?!” Bakugou snapped, causing both you and the doctor to gawk at him. 

“Kacchan! What the fuck don’t talk to him like that, jerk!”

Bakugou scoffed, throwing his glare, much more pouty this time-- to the jar of cotton balls on the counter of the office.

“It wouldn't help either of you to sugar coat this, son,” the doctor sighed, “You have made it this far along in her pregnancy. Miscarriage is substantially less likely but if you want to give these babies a better chance, I’d suggest higher caloric intake.”

Needless to say, Bakugou did not leave the doctor's office that day a very pleasant man. He would angrily stalk ahead of you a for a few moments before pausing and grumbling about how ‘fucking slow’ you were as you caught up before the cycle would start all over again. You could only take this for so long, however,

“What!?” you yelled suddenly as the grumbling phase of his cycle began once more, “Will you stop fucking brooding already and speak your mind—”

He instantly snapped his face towards your own to stare into your eyes. You fumbled back a bit as the intense vermilion bore into you. You opened your mouth to speak but his serious expression exclaimed something before yours could,

“I wanna move in with you.”

You paused. You couldn't have fucking heard that right.

He… wants to...

“What…?” you mouthed.

Taglist:  @steggy4ever​ @library-trash​ @watevermelon​ @glimmadora-ble​ @persephones24​ @dragonempress123​ @your-pri-ncess @broken-from-fandoms​ @hot-pocket01​ @tsukineho @bakugousbabydoll​ @bubbzibubbles @ikebukuro-ghoul​ @thehoneycookiecrumbs​ @katsukis-sad-angel​ @dulcetailurophile​ @yukiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii @kanasakura @lonekitsune @pastel-prynce​ @mynameispurple​ @cutest-celestial-princess​ @minfani​ @aurorahoneybuns​ @galacticrosee @orokayagi​ @centerhabit​ @animefan7420 @katsukisposts   @bakugou-is-my-daddy

[stinkysidebitch]

Leaked! (Shinso x Reader) Pt.2

-You and Shinso are ready to move on with your lives, but will something get in the way of that?

(Warning): Bullying, unhealthy thinking, unhealthy relationships

----------------------------

  It had been awhile since Kaminari revealed himself to be the biggest douche at U.A. Maybe a little over a month but you weren’t exactly keeping track. What Shinso had told you before was true- Kaminari was the one who got kicked out of college, not you. Speaking of Shinso. Wow. You got lucky. Real lucky.

Waking up to a warm bed, fluffy purple hair, a sharp jawline and a fair, muscular body? Yeah. One could say it was going pretty well. School life wasn’t exactly easy for you though. At first you were ridiculed, but having Shinso and Midoriya as well as his friends stand up for you really turned the tide. As soon as Kaminari leaked your nudes Bakugo and his friends apologized to you in their own ways and distanced themselves from who they thought was a genuine member of their group. 

But it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. You were still hurting and recovering. Just because you had a new boyfriend didn’t mean your problems simply disappeared. No. Every once in awhile something would remind you of the relationship you had lost, or even just your weakened dignity. That hurt the most. But you were never alone. Not anymore.

Tap........... tap.......tap.....

You weren’t sure when the noise started, what time it was or really whether or not you should just go back to sleep. Everything was still a bit blurry while you tried to prop yourself up on one elbow. Maybe the source of the noise was coming from outside....or the window? It was inconsistent which worried you. Sounded manual. 

Currently, you were in your dorm. Shinso was laying on his stomach next to you, his face towards the window. One of his arms was lightly wrapped around your middle while his other supported his head from under the pillow. The room was dark so either it was very early morning or very late night.

You didn’t realize Shinso was awake until he shifted a bit next to you. The first thing you noticed when he rolled out of bed and faced the window was how tired and annoyed he looked. Then you saw all those pretty hickeys on his neck, collar and chest that you gave him, illuminated only by the pale glow of the moon through the glass.

He rested his palms on the frame, leaned in with a squint... and then he saw something. His eyes shot down and the tapping stopped. A glare, no... a scowl presented itself on his face. Shinso looked pissed. After a fairly long pause he leaned back and closed the blinds abruptly, shuffling back to bed. You caught those pretty purple eyes of his and he clearly hadn’t realized you were awake judging by the expression on his face.

“What was it?” Your voice was raspy and deep as sleep clung onto your form. 

“Don’t worry about it, baby.”

You had no idea that it was Denki throwing rocks at your window. 

In truth he was desperate to talk to you. To explain everything. Guilt was eating him alive. Kaminari was alone. His friends didn’t talk to him, his parents and girlfriend were furious and now he was struggling... bad.

When morning came you didn’t even remember the noise. You had been half asleep when it happened anyways. The days sort of blended together. A normal routine, but never unwelcomed. You went to classes and saw or texted Shinso. Every once in awhile you would hang out with friends or go see a movie with one of them. Shinso took you out on dates now and again or just did them indoors. A sense of normalcy was returning. Life wasn't blatantly depressing or anxiety inducing anymore.. and you felt happy. Warm.

You had a boyfriend that cared about you more than you even knew. Someone who made you feel giddy without even trying.

You would've never guessed that Shinso was stressing over not being able to tell you the truth. Kaminari had reached out to him. It was after class. Shinso was studying in his dorm, classes had ended for him about two or three hours ago.

Notes were wildly sprawled across his desk and his phone rested in the pocket of his jeans. Shinso was in the middle of highlighting part of a paragraph when his phone buzzed.

It must've been you. But it wasn't. When he checked the notification the number was unknown. He didn't like that they knew this name.

With a confused expression he stared at the screen and awaited a reply. He didn't have to wait long. Turns out it was exactly who he didn't want to talk to. Kaminari. Shinso was still angry at the incident involving a certain (Y/N)'s windows. Guilty wouldn't quite describe how he felt about not telling you. He didn't want to lie to you but at the same time Shinso felt it was for the best you didn't know, so he typed a response.

Needed to talk to you? Ridiculous. And say what?

'I'm sorry I showed everyone your naked body in an attempt to tarnish your reputation?'

What good would that do?

Of course you deserved an explanation, of course you deserved an apology, but why would Shinso help someone like him do anything? Why would he expose a victim of revenge porn to the perpetrator?

Besides, if he was really sorry Kaminari would've never done it. And so he typed his final reply before blocking the number.

This conversation loomed over Shinso for awhile. He felt awful for not telling you. It seemed wrong.

But reaching out to your boyfriend to force a meetup and apology was worse. Way worse.

Maybe it wasn't his place.

Maybe he was overstepping a boundary.

Shinso carried this secret. This burden. He hid it from you and everytime he saw your face he felt so guilty. He doubted that jerk had anything of value to tell you but still... maybe it was something you had to hear? No. There was nothing to be said at this point.

But one day you noticed. You caught him staring at you in the cafeteria. He looked almost sad.

"You alright?" Shinso simply gave you a nod and turned back to his food.

He didn't eat. Just picked at the plate.

You ignored it. It kept happening. Shinso kept seeming down and whenever you questioned him he would simply brush it off. He was a straightforward and honest guy. That meant that whatever was going on was serious enough that he was willing to hide it from you. You had been friends with him for a long time and knew him well enough to know something was going on.

Then you started to get the suspicion that he was being distant from you because he didn't want you that way. Maybe it was too much for him and he realized he just wanted to be friends? You didn't want to get dumped again, but you also didn't want to sit around and theorize either.

It could've just been your paranoia from recent events but something was definitely wrong here.

You were going to have to ask him if he was going to break up with you.

One night you were sitting in your dorm with Shinso watching a movie instead of doing your work. The assignment wasn't due for a few days so it was left on the back burner for now. His head was resting in your lap as you played with his hair. It was something that you had always wanted to do but when Shinso let you try it he realized that it was one of his favorite things to do. Lay down and let you mess with his purple, fluffy head.

Shinso was supposed to be watching the movie but he was laying on his back, head facing the screen with closed eyes. It just felt too relaxing for him to focus.

"...Hitoshi?"

"Hm?"

You paused, scratching at the bottom of his scalp and earning a little shiver. It would've made you chuckle if things weren't so serious.

"Do I make you uncomfortable?"

You had never seen him look at you so quickly before. With him staring at you it made asking him these things more difficult.

"I mean... somethings been bugging you so I was wondering if it was me. You haven't been around as much and whenever I ask... "

"Look at me."

You didn't realize that you weren't until you felt his hand on your cheek. Doing as told, you made eye contact with him again. He was smiling at you. It was faint and gentle. It was something that no one else got to see. No one but you.

"You never bother me. I love you, (Y/N)."

It almost felt like you were having a panic attack, but somehow it was nice. Your heart was ramming against your ribcage and your palms felt clammy but there was a warmth too. It enveloped your chest in a way that you hadn't expected. You loved him too. And that was exactly what you told him.

He didn’t have to tell you what was bugging him. When Shinso went back to his dorm for the night and you got settled in the bed there was a noise outside your window.

Tap......tap....tap..........tap....

That was a rock hitting your window. Kaminari used to do that to get your attention. The same Kaminari that you had cut off completely. You waited for a few minutes and it didn’t stop. A heavy sigh left your tired frame as you dragged yourself out of bed. You peered through your blinds and were met with the sight of exactly who you expected. He looked anxious. You couldn’t yell at him out of your window or someone would find out he was outside.

You wondered what more he wanted.

Maybe it was because you were tired or maybe it was because you were delusional, but you snuck out of your dorm and into the night. From the exit you had taken Kaminari was visible, another pebble flying from his hand and onto the glass again. He didn’t see you yet so you figured you would scare the shit out of him.

“Hey!”

He jolted and turned in your direction. He knew he shouldn’t be here.

“What’s wrong with you? You aren’t supposed to be here.”

“I needed to talk to you, (Y/N).””

You folded your arms over your chest, an irritated expression forming on your features. There was a pained throb in your chest just being around him.

“About what?”

“I... I fucked up.” You didn’t realize he was crying until he stepped closer. He looked miserable. It was like looking at yourself a month ago.

“Are you saying that because you have to deal with the consequences or because you realized what you did was wrong?”

He dropped on his knees in front of you. It was pathetic, really. 

“I’m so, so, so sorry! I shouldn’t have dumped you in the first place... I just got so distracted with school and then I took it out on you. I thought I needed...thought I needed someone else maybe but...and after that fight I got so angry-I was such a dick...” 

By the time he finished Kaminari was fully crying, grabbing at your gym shorts and looking up at you like he was begging. If you were still single seeing him like that may have worked on you but it didn’t. Dick wouldn’t even begin to describe his behavior.

“Is there a problem here?”

Kaminari let go of your shorts and scrambled to his feet upon seeing your boyfriend appear so casually next to you. His hands were tucked in his pockets and his expression was that of tired annoyance. You jolted a bit at his random appearance but Shinso wasn’t stupid. You didn’t want anything to do with Denki. He had been literally clinging to you while you stood over him with your arms crossed. There was no reason for him to suspect anything was going on between the two of you.

Shinso only stepped in because you seemed uncomfortable. You placed a gentle hand on your boyfriend’s shoulder and he leaned down a bit so you could speak to him without Kaminari leaving his sight.

“It’s okay, Hitoshi. Kaminari is just leaving, actually.”

At that you sent the cowering man a glare.

“W-Wait! I have so much more I wanted to say to you.. please?”

Shinso took a step forward, his voice low and dangerous.

“If you don’t leave on your own I can make you. You know that, right?”

You didn’t realize how pathetic Denki was until you watched him jump a bit at the threat, stepping back. You couldn’t help but feel giddy when he talked like that. It was hot!  Regardless, you pulled your boyfriend back a bit seeing as how close he looked to making your ex walk into traffic.

“Oh, don’t worry- if he comes back I’m calling the police, or even worse, Bakugo.”

Kaminari shrunk under his glare and your threat. After looking between the two of you he rushed off into the night. You cupped your hands around your mouth, shouting your parting words. “And don’t come back!”

When his figure finally disappeared you found yourself unable to resist the boy glaring into the dark next to you. Leaning forward you placed a kiss on his cheek. He flinched, cheeks warm from the sudden affection.

“What was that for?”

“Being a good boyfriend.”

The way his face fell worried you.

“But.. I’m not.”

Your brows pinched together in confusion as you watched him rub the nape of his neck nervously. Without saying anything else he showed you his phone. A conversation between him and Denki. To say you were suprised was an understatement.

“When was this?”

“A little after he tried throwing rocks at your window when I was in your dorm.”

“Oh. He did?”

“Yeah.”

He was surprised when you snorted at him. Then you started chuckling, which turned into laughter. A very confused Shinso waited for you to finish with a puzzled expression. Why were you laughing? He lied to you... Right? When you recovered a bit better you slipped a question between heavy breaths. 

“Wh-why didn’t you just tell me? Was that what was bothering you so bad?”

“No. Lying to you was what I didn’t like. I don’t ever want to do it again.”

You shook your head at him with a gentle smile and stepped forward, cupping his face in your palms. He looked saddened and you didn’t like it. Leaning forward you pressed a gentle kiss on his lips that was slowly returned. Even though he was mad at himself you made it so easy to forget. You couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when he broke the exchange, speaking in that typical slow manner of his.

“You should be mad at me.”

“But I’m not. You were just trying to help, babe. Don’t look so down... Besides, watching you threaten him like that was.. well, kinda sexy.”

You leaned in to whisper the last bit into his ear, pulling back with a sly smile.

A tell tale smirk formed on his face. You knew you were in for it now.

“Oh yeah?”

A yelp left your lips at his next move. Swiftly, Shinso hooked his arms under your thighs and lifted you up so that your legs were wrapped around his waist and arms round his neck. Really it was instinctual for you to cling onto him like this to avoid falling. 

Jesus, he was stupidly strong too? Damn you really were lucky.

You giggled as he carried you back inside, leaving behind the dark hole left by Denki and filling it with something new.

Something happy.

Real love.

-----------

(A/N): Lmao the endings a bit shite but here you are!

[echo-bleu]

let them turn into a river

I've said I wouldn't write any more codas. Yet here I am. This works through some of my thoughts about Alex this season, which may not be everyone's cup of tea.

This also fills two prompts I got: "being given an unexpected hug, and stiffening, then melting into it" by @daffietjuh and "Alex has a breakdown over something mundane like what type of tuna to buy" (I think the original prompt was by @meneatyoghurt, and @rensbaratheon gave it to me).

[PTSD flashbacks, panic attack, mentions of abuse, discussion of possible dub-con (2x06)]

I'm fine. I'm completely fine, Alex repeats to himself as he wanders down the supermarket aisle in search of pasta.

It's not untrue, not exactly. He's certainly functioning a lot better than he was when he first got back from overseas, and his leg is doing rather well these days, even if it's now twinging in pain from the long day he's had. It's just that...he's had nothing but long, exhausting days in what feels like months. It's just that he's really, really tired.

And now he's in the store on a Saturday evening at eleven pm because the really, really nice guy he was hoping to try dating isn't willing to put up with his baggage. Alex can't blame Forrest. He wouldn't put up with it if he had a choice. He spent hours just staring at the bottom of his glass after Forrest left, until Maria slammed a bottle in front of him to get his attention and invited herself to lunch tomorrow.

“It's been a while since we really talked, Alex. I almost feel like you're the one avoiding me now.” The little progress Alex has made−according to his therapist, anyway−on setting his boundaries and asserting what he wants must have evaporated sometime during that night, because he didn't manage to say no.

Which means he needs to figure out what to cook. It's going to have to be meatball pasta, Alex decides. It's the only thing he can think of right now that's suitable for a guest but doesn't require a lot of preparation, and he has no wish to spend hours in the kitchen. He grabs his usual brand of pasta, grateful that he knows where it is by heart, and moves down the aisle to the sauce area.

The whole section of tomato sauce cans stares back at him.

Alex takes a step back to encompass the whole thing with his gaze, curses as the move twists his prosthesis enough for a sharp spike of pain to travel up his leg, and closes his eyes to center himself. Breathe. Everything's fine.

There are cans and boxes and bottles. Tomato sauce and pulp and juice. Several brands of each, with added flavoring and different sizes. How can there be dozens of different options? Alex is just looking for something to put in meatball pasta, it shouldn't be complicated.

He peers at the labels again, trying to wake up his brain enough to decide. But there's prices to think of, and ecology−what's better again, metal cans or cartons?−and so many different types and some of them are written in fucking Italian and he cannot choose. He stays frozen, two feet away from the shelves, vaguely rocking on his heels.

He can't breathe.

He can't breathe and he can't read the labels anymore because everything is suddenly out of focus. Fuck. He blinks, and inspires−and chokes, and wheezes, and shit, this shouldn't be so hard, why is he having a fucking panic attack in the middle of the deserted supermarket at 11 pm?

But he is, and thinking about how this should be simple, and why is he such a failure, is definitely not helping. He reaches out, tries to grab a can at random, and only succeeds in miscalculating and knocking several cans off the shelf. The noise they make hitting the floor is deafening.

Alex flinches, hard, and falls backward when it triggers another spike of pain up his leg and back. He hits the shelves at his back, probably knocking more things over−but he doesn't hear them fall over the buzzing in his ears. He feels the pain, though. The pain and the lack of air and the blackening at the edge of his vision.

Breathe.

He closes his eyes tight, letting himself fall on his ass on the floor and curl up. With his left knee under his chin, his right leg extended, he digs his nails into his palms. I can't do this. I can't.

He can't have Maria over, and pretend everything is fine. He can't talk to her about her relationship with Michael and about his own failed date. He can't look at her and forget about her kissing him, about the mess of limbs and emotions that followed, about how he can't feel anything but disgust toward himself ever since.

He can't.

Today has been a roller-coaster already. The elation he felt at the paintball park is long forgotten, replaced by wave upon wave of shame. At everything, at the mirror of himself he glimpsed in his father's eyes, at the way he froze with Maria, at the uncontrollably fear that gripped his gut when Forrest leaned in for a kiss, when he'd thought−he doesn't know what he'd thought. Only that in that moment, he felt a hand around his neck clearer than he has in months.

He feels it still, as he gasps for air. He spent every second in the hospital, from the moment his father first lost his temper, waiting for the hand to close around him. And yet he couldn't stop himself from catching his dad when he stumbled, even as he expected him to lash out. Why can't he even fucking put a stop to that? Let go of this monster for good, cut him out of his life?

Because he's a coward, that's why. He presses his back into the shelves until it hurts so much he gasps out. Pain. Focus. Breathe.

He's a fucking coward, so of course he's not good enough for someone like Forrest. Just like he'll never be good enough for Michael.

Michael. His mouth on him, again, after months of fantasizing about that. His warmth, his unique scent, his breathing−but they're not alone, and it's too much, too fucking much, that's not what he wants. Alex's skin crawls like that day, and he scrapes his nails at his palms, like he wants to rip it off.

No, no. No. He can't think about that again. He's in the middle of a fucking supermarket, for God's sake! He can't go down that hole.

Get a fucking grip.

Tomato sauce. That's what he needs. Nothing else. He can put everything aside, like how he's going to have to spend hours alone with Maria in his house tomorrow. After being touched by her that way. After watching her touch Michael that way.

He can't even get a handle on his thoughts long enough to remember the tricks his therapist gave him to get out of a panic attack. Counting. Right. One. Two.

No. Counting backward, or in threes, or the brain just takes over. But where to start? Twenty? Is that enough? A hundred? This is too much. How do you count in threes anyway?

Fuck.

Vaguely, he realizes the hand tightening on his throat is his own, his body desperately clawing at itself to breathe. Did his father mix his meds on purpose today? He wouldn't put it past him. But what would his purpose be?

Alex hates it. Being put in this position, the only son in town who is supposed to care for his ailing father. He avoids his childhood home as much as he can, but he's still the contact listed for him at the hospital. He hates watching Jesse Manes struggle to move around and feeling empathy he doesn't want, how somehow this is one more thing that brings them closer instead of separating them. Dammit. His dad in this position because he tried to kill Kyle, after torturing aliens−people−for decades. Alex shouldn't be feeling empathy for this man. He should have watched him fall on his face today, and not even moved a muscle.

Like his father watched him fall too many times after his injury.

Manes men don't show weakness.

Why couldn't he? Why is he such a coward that he can't separate the need to keep his father close, to monitor his actions and find out more about Project Shepard, from his own feelings?

Why can't he let the shadow of his father's abuse behind?

Making out with a hot guy in public is only made hotter when it pisses off all the bigots and the homophobes.

Alex wants to retch in shame.

“Alex!”

Alex can't tell where the voice comes from, but he feels someone coming close and that's what pulls him out of his panic. Reality brutally refocuses. He goes right from foggy, breathless dissociation to cold hypervigilance. He stills, releasing his left leg to be able to use it to swipe at someone's legs, and looks up very slowly.

It's Kyle, crouching down in front of him, frowning in worry. He may have called his name several times already, Alex doesn't know. He's surrounded by fallen cans of tomato, and one of them has burst and send red sauce flying everywhere.

Alex flinches away when Kyle tries to touch him. Breathing burns his lungs, but he forces the air in. Pain doesn't matter. Pain is good, right now, making him focus.

“Alex, what happened?” Kyle asks, like he's speaking to a small child. Or maybe Alex is imagining that. Everything is slow, unreal, his body unfeeling except for the pain.

He tries to make his mouth move to answer, but he can't. He shakes his head in frustration.

“Okay, okay, I won't touch you, alright? It's okay, there's no threat here. Do you know where you are?”

Alex nods, and dips his head, avoiding Kyle's eyes. Coming back to reality just means more shame. He's sitting in the middle of a supermarket, pants stained with tomato, panting and−for God's sake−crying. He's ridiculous.

“Good, you're with me,” Kyle continues. “Was it only a panic attack, or is there something medically wrong with you?”

Alex just stares at him, uncomprehending. He can't put the words together enough to make them make sense.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” Kyle reformulates.

Alex shakes his head, and wills his hands to stop trembling.

Without taking his eyes off him for more than a second at a time, Kyle starts to pick up the intact cans of tomato off the floor. Giving him space, Alex understands. When he crouches down again, Alex feels stronger, more anchored, even if his whole body feels like cotton candy.

“Think you can get up now?” Kyle asks.

“Yeah,” Alex rasps out. He holds out a hand, though, rather than try to stand up by himself in the mess of tomato sauce. He wouldn't trust his leg with that on a good day.

Kyle scouts over, puts Alex's arm around his shoulders, and hoists him up.

“What about−” Alex gestures to the mess, and his own dropped groceries.

“I'll tell a clerk, it's okay. Let's just get you home, alright?”

“'Kay,” Alex murmurs. He doesn't have the brain space to think about it beyond his embarrassment, anyway.

Kyle lets him lean on him all the way to the checkout counter, and quietly explains what happened to the wide-eyed girl sitting behind it. Alex doesn't listen to her answer, his focus still shot. He stares vaguely at a the packs of gum behind her instead.

“Let's go,” Kyle prompts him to move again.

Alex wants to make it out under his own power, or some variation thereof. He takes his arm back, but he stumbles at the first step, and he has to catch himself roughly on the counter. Rather than make a big deal about it, Kyle simply hooks his arm into his, providing discrete support.

Sometimes Alex wants to hate him for how considerate he is. Right now he doesn't even have it in him to be anything but thankful, though.

The store is just two blocks from Alex's house, so he came here on foot, but there's no way he's making it back. His leg aches something fierce, and his steps are uneven, awkward.

Kyle guides him to his car in the parking lot without a comment, and takes the time to make sure Alex is comfortable in the passenger seat before he drives the thirty seconds to his home. There seems to be no end to Alex's shame tonight, and yet Kyle somehow manages to make it as painless as the situation can be−physically and emotionally. He gets Alex into the most comfortable armchair in his living room, pants and prosthesis off, with minimum fuss and as much privacy as possible.

“Thank you,” Alex murmurs when Kyle finally sits down on the couch across from him.

“I can go, if you tell me you're going to be okay,” Kyle says. “But I can also stay.”

Alex bites his lip. No, he doesn't really want to be left alone with his thoughts. “Not the night,” he says. “But maybe for a minute?” He doesn't like how whiny his voice sounds, but he's exhausted. He curls up in the armchair, propping his right leg on the arm rest and tucking his left foot under him.

“Okay,” Kyle nods, though it's almost midnight. Alex feels bad for asking that of him, but he did offer. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There isn't much to talk about,” Alex shrugs. “I'm sorry. I was just...tired.”

Kyle raises his eyebrows. “You're allowed not to talk about it, but please don't downplay it, Alex. This wasn't you being tired.”

“No, you're right. This was me freaking out over what tomato sauce to buy. But mostly, it's been a long day. Long week. Long...everything.”

“Your work?” Kyle asks.

“Not really. Not mostly. I've been, uh, taking on side projects, researching Project Shepard and Caulfield, helping you guys. And...my superiors were on base yesterday. My boss. And my boss's boss. And for about half-an-hour, I thought they were here to arrest me.”

“What?”

“It turns out that it was unrelated, but people are asking questions. Not my team, but I'm just a Captain, I still have to answer to people. And recently, I've had to cover up a shit-ton of things. Things that I could be court-martialed for and spend my life in prison several times over. You know this, you did the same.”

“Well, I'm risking my medical license for sure, maybe being sued by the hospital, but probably not jail,” Kyle says. “I didn't...honestly, I don't think any of us realized what you did for us.”

“For them,” Alex corrects him. “You're an outsider to them as much as I am. Tied up by shitty legacies and unwanted feelings for people who don't want us back.”

“You're right,” Kyle sighs. “I told Liz, before the surgery, I told Liz once that was over, I was done. But we all know it's not true.”

Alex gives him a commiserating smile. “In any case, Michael, Max and Isobel risk much worse just by being alive. I'm okay with doing my part. I have to admit that I started seriously questioning that when I learned that Liz decided to go ahead with the heart transplant when she thought you wouldn't be able to keep Max alive, because I had to pull in a lot of favors to get you that theater. That's when people started asking questions.”

“Wait, she didn't tell you beforehand? I thought she told you, or I would have.”

“I don't know if you've noticed, but Liz tends to get tunnel vision,” Alex shrugs. “Rosa told me.”

“Not Michael?”

“Nah, he was wrapped up in his family. We didn't talk.”

“What's going on with you two, anyway?” Kyle asks. “At Caulfield, you were basically flirting the whole way there, and now he's with Maria?”

Alex swallows. “Our...timelines didn't align,” he says. “My family destroyed his. I can't blame him for keeping me at arm's length.”

“That's bullshit, Alex. You're not your family.”

“And yet I brought so much pain into his life,” he sighs.

“So you're just giving up?”

“He's made it clear over and over that I'm not the one he wants. So yeah, I'm giving up.”

Kyle tilts his head. “There's something you're not telling me.”

Fuck. Either Kyle has become even more observant than he was or Alex is still so rattled that he's letting things through. Probably the second option.

Alex ponders it for a moment. He hasn't talked to anyone about that night. He hasn't seen his therapist in months, not since the nightmares and flashbacks Caulfield brought back up abated, and he doesn't exactly have a host of other friends to discuss things with. It's been a weight on his shoulders that doesn't live, that permeates everything. But then...this is Kyle. Is he really someone Alex want to talk about this with?

Actually, yes, he decides. Kyle has something of a unique perspective.

“We had a threesome,” he mutters. It's even more awkward coming out of his mouth than it is when he thinks the word.

“I'm sorry, what did you just say?” Kyle has his mouth hanging open. He's heard perfectly well.

“Michael, Maria and me,” Alex says. “After, uh, Maria and I went to see this boot maker, and he attacked us, stabbed me and went after Maria. She knocked him out and he's in custody,” Alex add hurriedly when he sees Kyle's expression become murderous.

“He stabbed you,” Kyle states.

“Just a little,” Alex shrugs. It's healed just fine, it will probably barely scar. “I'm fine.”

“You got stabbed, and instead of, I don't know, calling me, you had sex with your ex and your best friend. Your female best friend.”

“She initiated it, it's not like we came onto her or anything,” Alex raises his hands.

Kyle blinks. “Yeah, that's not what I'm worried about, Alex.”

“Then what are you worried about?”

Kyle works his jaw several times, trying to find his words. “Let's put it like this. Why are you telling me about it?”

“I...don't know,” Alex shrugs. It weights on his mind, and it needs to get out.

“How did it feel?”

Alex swallows. “Not great. I didn't...I didn't enjoy it. I thought−” he trails off.

“What did you think?” Kyle prompts him.

“We were coming off an adrenaline rush, and being with other people, with them, it felt...safe. I didn't want to leave. When Maria started to−I thought I wanted Michael enough that it would be okay, that I could handle it.”

“'Handle it',” Kyle repeats. “Alex, are you even hearing yourself right now? What would you say if one of your partners said they could 'handle' sex with you?”

“I'd back off right away,” Alex sighs. “But it wasn't like that, we were all consenting.”

“You'd just been attacked. You were injured. I'm assuming you'd been on your leg for a long time. Am I getting the right picture here?”

Alex shrugs. He can't deny it, but it doesn't feel right. Maria and Michael didn't make him have sex with them, he did it of his own free will. Sure, he should have left, but he hasn't been known for making the best decisions for himself, right?

His hands are shaking again.

“I could have left,” he says, his voice trembling. “I didn't want to, but I should have.”

“Okay,” Kyle says, physically backing off. “Don't spiral out again, it's okay.”

“I tried to go on a date, today,” Alex says after a few deep breaths.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. The guy is great. I just...he tried to kiss me, and I couldn't.”

Kyle frowns. “Why−oh, in public?”

“Yeah.”

“Does he know about your father?”

“No,” Alex shrugs. “Does it matter? We all have our bad coming out stories.”

“Your father is a little more than that, Alex,” Kyle raises an eyebrow, like Alex doesn't know that.

“It doesn't change anything. He's not ready to date someone who's not out and proud.”

“Except you are, Alex. You are out and proud. And honestly, with what you've been through, it's amazing how open you are. So maybe you don't wear glitter or dye your hair blue−”

Alex snickers.

“What?”

“Forrest has blue hair,” he says.

“The guy?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Well, my point stands. You're not in the closet, you just have baggage. Heavy baggage, maybe, but it's not the same.”

Alex tilts his head. Kyle is not wrong, even if he hadn't thought of it that way.

“You think I'd look good in glitter?” he asks, because he needs to stop getting in too deep with his emotions.

“Alex, you'd look good in sack. Glitter, rainbows, crazy hair colors? You'd definitely pull them off. Green would look good on you. Or purple.”

“I think I'll stick to black, thank you,” Alex laughs. “But maybe I'll think of getting my ears pierced again. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You suddenly seem to be awfully interested in queer fashion.”

Kyle actually blushes. “Um, I...I might have taken to hanging out at Planet 7,” he mumbles.

“You?” Alex asks in shock.

“I wanted to get away from Liz. And anything alien. Actually aliens, I mean. Not that it worked.”

Alex frowns. “Michael was there?”

“No,” Kyle shakes his head. “Not him. Fuck, I shouldn't have told you that.”

It takes Alex a few moments to catch up. “It can't be Max, so...Isobel? Really?”

“I didn't mean to...out her or anything.”

“It's okay, I'm not going to go shout it from the rooftops,” Alex says, because Kyle really looks worried. “Though you should definitely be careful who you tell.”

“I will.”

“What about you?” Alex asks.

“What?”

“Are you trying to tell me you're not as straight as you thought?”

Kyle hides his face in his hands. “I don't know, maybe? I don't...I'm really not sure. I never thought about men that way, but when I see the couples there, or the people who hook up...I don't know.”

“It's okay,” Alex smiles. “It's okay not to know. You don't need to have a word that fits right away.”

“Thanks,” Kyle nods.

“Anytime.”

“I was so horrible to you in high school, this would be a perfect opportunity for payback. Just goes to show what a good man you are.”

All the levity that this conversation has brought Alex goes right down the gutter, leaving him ice cold. “I'm not a good man,” he says through gritted teeth.

“You are. You're a good friend, Alex. A good person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Alex sighs and lets it go. It's not a conversation for one in the morning. “You should go home,” he says.

“Are you sure you'll be okay?”

Alex stands up slowly, wishing he had his second crutch for the trip over to his bedroom. “Look, I'll call my therapist, okay? I promise.”

“You do that,” Kyle says, standing up as well. Then, before Alex can completely process it, he opens his arms and closes them around him, careful not to make him lose his balance. Alex stiffens, unused to the contact, but it feels good. Safe. He relaxes slowly, bit by bit, and awkwardly pats Kyle's back with his free hand. “We'll grab a beer sometime this week, okay?”

“Sure,” Alex nods in Kyle's shoulder. “Would be nice.”

“I'll text you tomorrow.”

Kyle lets him go and fishes out his keys from his pocket, turning to leave.

“Hey, Kyle?” Alex calls after him quietly.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for tonight.”

“You're very welcome,” Kyle smiles sweetly.

*

Despite his exhaustion, Alex doesn't fall asleep for hours, and when it does, it's to restless slumber, full of vague nightmares. He drags himself out of bed at nine, two hours past his usual wake-up time, and spends the morning trying to force his aching body into submission with a mix of PT exercises and yoga, that turns too easily into a punishment. A hundred push-ups, for being so weak. The voice in his head is his father's.

As he stares at his counter come eleven, an hour before Maria is supposed to be there, he remembers something. He still doesn't have tomato sauce. Or pasta, for that matter, since he never got to pay for his groceries last night.

“Fuck this,” he murmurs to himself, almost smirking at the joke that is his life. There is nothing he wants less than to spend the day with Maria. He doesn't have anything to cook her, and the Crashdown is closed on Sundays.

No. He's not going to do this.

He eyes his phone, thinking of coming up with some bullshit excuse to Maria. He can think of a dozen that would work well enough off the top of his head, though she's sure to give him hell for it later. At the thought of even seeing her later, Alex grimaces.

No. He sticks his phone in his back pocket and grabs his wallet, his keys and his crutch.

Right before he leaves, on a whim, he grabs a pen and a pad of sticky notes and writes SORRY. HAD SOMETHING TO DO. in capital letters. He sticks the note on his front door and sets the alarm.

Maybe this is his breaking point.

*

Forrest looks truly surprised when Alex shows up on his doorstep. He had to look up the actual address, since Forrest doesn't actually live in the barn where they met, and the Longs have several properties in the same area. He wouldn't want to knock on an random door and run into Wyatt.

“Hi,” Alex says.

“Is that voice in your head already gone?” Forrest asks.

“Not exactly. I just...thought you should hold all the cards.”

Forrest stares at him for a moment, thinking. “Alright,” he says. “Come in, then.”

The house is really more of a cabin, small and wooden all around. The inside is very different from Jim Valenti's cabin, though, and it screams Forrest. It seems this man really is what he shows to the outside, an open book.

The opposite of Alex, in a way.

“Sit down,” Forrest says. “I was just making coffee, you want some?”

“Sure. Black, please.”

Alex sits down on a comfortable couch covered with a patterned comforter while Forrest pours them both mugs in the tiny kitchen area.

“So, what did you want to say?”

Alex takes a deep inspiration. Despite his coming here being a heat of the moment thing, he's tried to practice his words in his car. He's not good with words, but it all comes down to what Kyle said last night.

“You asked me about my PTSD triggers, yesterday,” he says.

“Yes,” Forrest agrees carefully.

“You know, the funny thing is that no one's ever asked me that before. Beside my therapist, I mean. Most of my friends don't know I have PTSD, and the one who does usually doesn't need to ask.”

“Alien guy?” Forrest asks curiously.

“No. My relationship with Michael is more complicated. He has his own issues.”

“Okay. So you want to tell me about your triggers?”

“How they relate to what we talked about,” Alex says. “Being closeted. It's not that I don't want to come out. Sure, I wasn't out in the Air Force during DADT and that was hell, but here...I haven't been in the closet in this town since early high school. Everyone who knows me here knows I'm gay, and I'm fine with that.”

“Then what is it?” Forrest asks.

Alex bites his lip, then takes the plunge. “The last time I really pissed off a homophobe, it didn't end well for the guy I was with.”

“What do you mean? Did you get assaulted?”

“Yeah, you could say that. He went at my...boyfriend's hand with a hammer.”

Forrest covers his mouth with his hand in shock.

“I was seventeen,” Alex continues. “It was my father.”

“Fuck, Alex, I−”

Alex waves it off. “Don't apologize. I just...I wanted you to know. I'm not in the closet. But ever since that day, I haven't been able to be with someone and feel completely safe.”

“Of course,” Forrest murmurs. “Was your father generally abusive? Or did he snap?”

“He didn't start hitting me until he figured out I was gay, but he basically raised us−me and my brothers−as if we were in basic training,” Alex says. “After the...accident, he made me enlist, and I didn't come back to Roswell until a few months ago.”

“That's, wow, that's a lot. I thought my family was bad.”

“There's no comparison to make,” Alex shrugs. “You're brave enough to be proud of who you are in spite of them. I...I'm trying to get there. But it's hard.”

“I get that,” Forrest nods. “I understand it better now. Something didn't quite make sense about you.”

Alex thinks of Michael, of aliens and the secret lab and his classified work. He thinks of his father in the hospital, and being unable to just let him fall. He thinks of last night in the supermarket. “I don't make a lot of sense,” he says. “Which is why I completely get that you don't want to try something with me. I just wanted you to know.”

Forrest pauses and looks him up and down. “You know, maybe...I've put my standards very high, because I've been burned too many times, but so far you met everyone of them easily, except for this one. Maybe it's unrealistic. Maybe I shouldn't let you go, just because you're not quite ready to kiss me in public.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I like you Alex. I really like you, and I'm guessing the fact that you came all the way out here means you feel the same. So maybe those standards were just me closing myself off from opportunities. Maybe I should give this a chance.”

Alex smiles.

[builtonashes]

Lost It All

So I’m FINALLY done with this Higgs x Reader story where I managed to combine a few prompts I got here on Tumblr. It’s pretty long, but I do like the way it turned out! Please tell me what you think :)

Pairing: Reader (F) x Higgs Monaghan

Rating: E

Word count: 15 028 (!),  18 467 in the final version

AO3 link: here

WARNING! This is a previous version of the story. An updated (and much longer) one is available under the AO3 link. I’m leaving the first version here to let you compare them yourself should you want to do that! All the changes are fitted into chapter 2 on AO3 so that you don’t have to go through the entire thing again of you don’t want to.

You hated this. You hated the weather, you hated the temperature, you hated the fact that it was getting late and that you were still far away from your shelter. Did you mention that you hated the weather? Well, now that you did the timefall got even heavier. Be careful what you wish for, you guessed, sighing and adjusting your backpack. There was nowhere to rest or hide from the rain so the only way for you right now was forward.

It was during times like these that you regretted the fact that your shelter has not yet been connected to the chiral network. No timefall shelters, no bridges, no structures at all. Just some rocks and an ever expanding MULE territory. If it wasn’t for your job, you would have moved to one of the Knot Cities a long time ago. Unfortunately your research demanded a very specific climate and a very specific location. Which was both your doom and the best thing to happen to you as you were at least left alone, but then every single time you needed resources or instruments you had to get them on your own. Usually on foot and usually under the worst imaginable weather.

Ever since Sam Porter Bridges connected most of the facilities in America to the UCA, it was getting harder to avoid MULEs. Their camps kept moving unpredictably and they were constantly adjusting the type of weapons they used. You were lucky to avoid them during your expeditions as you usually travelled light; unfortunately there were more and more news about your colleagues getting ambushed and robbed, usually not even remotely close to the MULE territory. It made your heart skip a beat every time you heard an unknown noise, even if it was just an animal passing you by. You already filed for a contract with a porter company a while ago as they were much better equipped to handle such situations, but no single one wanted to take it as the deliveries were unevenly spaced and relatively rare. Therefore most of the equipment you needed you actually had to pick up yourself. It didn’t help that the equipment you needed for your research was very valuable. You were actually hoping that the MULEs were stupid enough to not realize what your company’s researchers were carrying. The chiral transmitters didn’t look valuable, but if disassembled into parts they could fetch insane prices on the black market. You knew this, the other researchers knew this; hopefully, the MULEs didn’t.

Coming back from Mountain Knot City you didn’t have far to travel, but you did have to do some hiking. You actually liked the fact that your shelter was located in a very remote location. It was quiet and really hard to find if you didn’t know where to look. The proximity of caves and passages was also something that worked to your advantage. It was incredibly easy to get lost, slip and fall or take a wrong turn and end up in a completely different place. Of course you knew the paths by heart and it always made you laugh at all your guests trying to locate the lab and cursing for a few minutes after they arrived. You wanted to put up some signage at some point but dropped the idea pretty fast. It was one of your only sources of amusement during your working hours.

You decided to think about the good things. In an hour or so you’ll finally be able to dig into the sweets Heartman sent you as a thank you gift. You noticed gingerbread cookies, candy, caramel fudge and shortbread. You were right to leave those for later. Now you had something to look forward to.

You could almost see the path leading to the first of the intersections you had to pass when the rain almost stopped. A few drops here and there, but at least it was easier to see now. You were just about to turn left and pass one of the meadows when something caught your eye. A movement; normally your instincts would tell you to expect some kind of a forest animal, but there was no wildlife here; timefall got rid of it very effectively. You had to learn to not trust your instincts anymore. You suddenly felt blood rush to your head, filling your ears with a slow thrum of your own heartbeat. There was a sudden weight in your stomach slowly giving way to panic. Was someone here? Who could it be? Were you supposed to run? Or maybe try to hide?

Unfortunately, before you were able to make the decision you heard a swoosh of air and  noticed an electric rod dig into the ground right next to you with a loud thump. You felt a jab of searing pain in your left leg, traveling all the way up to your knee. You tried willing your body to run, but the only thing you managed to do was fall over with dreaded realization that you couldn’t move. You couldn’t move your legs, you couldn’t move your hands. Apparently this time it was you the MULEs decided to ambush.

Your theory was confirmed in a few seconds as two strangers in very distinctive jumpsuits approached you, lifting you up by the arms and watching you closely. You closed your eyes shut, trying to calm down a little. There was no use in panicking. They already had you; the only way you could get out of this was by thinking smart.

„What do we have here?”, came a low, amused voice, forcing you to open your eyes. „Looks like it’s our lucky day, boys. I suggest we take her stuff it for safekeeping. What do you think?”

Two other men approached and ripped your backpack off your back. Going through your stuff, they discarded everything they didn’t need on the ground and finally found what they were looking for. The instruments were taken out with a loud aha! and quickly stowed away in one of the man’s vast pockets. You suddenly felt a hand tighten around your wrists, twisting them behind your back.

„What else do you have there, miss?”, the guy asked, the tone of his voice weirdly excited. „Apparently following you was a good decision. We were hoping to find maybe one of those expensive ass transmitters, but two? Almost like Christmas coming early this year.”

Well, that was it for hoping that the MULEs didn’t know how valuable your equipment was. You stood silently, trying to even out your breaths so that you wouldn’t hyperventilate. Your legs were still very weak, but you had no idea whether it was because of the electrocution or because of the pain. Your head was spinning and you felt nauseous. What were they going to do to you? The MULE’s grip on your wrists tightened even more, bordering on painful.

„You already have my stuff,” you whispered through gritted teeth, trying to take your mind away from the pain. „I don’t have anything else that could be useful to you.”

„Well, that’s where you’re wrong, sweetheart,” the MULE’s voice suddenly gained an undertone that made you feel very uncomfortable. „You see, we don’t have many visitors. Why don’t we have some fun before we let you go, huh? What do you say?”

You turned your head to look at the man right next to you. Tall, well-built, with a strong grip. There was no way you could overpower him. One good thing was that they were not going to kill you, not wanting to risk a voidout. Then again… there were so many other things they could have done to you it almost made you throw up. Unfortunately, you were still not able to move your legs. There was no way you were going to run.

You suddenly felt a stray tear fall down your cheek. The stress was getting to you. Your stomach felt like a tight, ice-cold knot and you could still feel the excruciating pain in your muscles. All these years with no incidents, all these comfortable years when you somehow felt invincible. And now this. They could do anything they wanted and there was no way for you to fight back. You were a scientist, for fuck’s sake - how were you supposed to oppose a group of men armed to the teeth?

Apparently it was only going to get worse.

The first hit to your face was hard and painful, immediately making your eyes water even more. You gasped, trying to move away, but the hold they had on your wrists was very powerful. The second blow was aimed at your stomach and sent you kneeling down on the ground. That was when you heard three vicious laughs right next to you and a new voice, a little higher than the last one.

„Just how I like them; on their knees and with nowhere to run,” the man said, moving closer and standing right in front of you. „Maybe we should take her to our camp? What do you think?”

„Dunno, boss,” an answer came from behind. „Too much trouble, I think.”

„Yeah, you’re probably right. Besides, we have a few other deliveries to catch.”

The sudden sharp pull on your hair made you gag, the boss’ hand bringing your face upwards to look you in the eyes. You couldn’t see him underneath the entire suit, but the urge to throw up was almost overwhelming.

„Gonna tell me your name, sweetheart?” - he asked, tightening the grip on your hair.

You shook your head. It would be too easy for them to target your friends if they knew who you were. You also knew that you were a terrible liar, so there was no use trying to come up with a random name just to give them something.

„As you wish,” the man said in a sing-song voice and raised his fist to hit you again. „Or maybe? Hm?”

You didn’t say anything and braced for another blow you could almost see coming. When the man’s gloved hand connected with your face you could swear there was something in there that tore the skin of your left cheek. And if that wasn’t enough, you could feel blood running down your nose, painting your mouth red.

„Nevermind then. We don’t need her conscious, now do we, boys? What would you say if I…”

He was suddenly cut short by something you were too exhausted to notice, your eyelids feeling too heavy to open fully. But there was movement; it was fast, chaotic, and there was a voice saying something you couldn’t understand. What you did manage to notice however was that there was a sudden release of both your wrists and hair, resulting in you falling to the ground again. Still unable to move your body, but able to twist your neck, you saw a flurry of black and red, painted with a little of orange signifying the MULEs’ jumpsuits. It was just a few minutes before you heard footsteps approaching, automatically flinching at the sound. What just happened? BTs? Another group of MULEs? You squeezed your eyes shut, not knowing what to expect, but bracing for pain nonetheless. When no blows came, you decided to slowly open your eyes.

„Hey, you alright?” The man approaching you crouched next to you and looked at your face. When he moved closer you saw him too; dirty and a little banged up, with a mouth crooked upwards in a smile. „I swear if I see those bastards here again I’m going to kick them to the nearest Beach. You have no idea how much they irritate me.”

Did this man… save you? Or was he just trying to take your cargo for himself? You tried to move, your body still in a lot of pain. It was hard to talk.

„Wh… Who…?”

„Oh, who am I? Just a random passer-by. I keep wandering those mountains and looking for… stuff. And I really don’t like these guys fucking with random hikers.”

You grunted, spitting out blood and finally managing to move enough to lay on your back. The relief was much greater than you initially thought if would be, but the searing pain was still there, making you shiver uncontrollably and intensifying the dizziness. „You… saved my… life-” you wanted to say, but he interrupted you immediately.

„Well, they wouldn’t’ve killed you, darling,” he moved even closer to you and reached out with his gloved hands, wiping the blood from your face with his thumb. „Okay, now you look almost like a regular human being, but this cheek is gonna need stitches. Anyway, I’ve seen those guys do some nasty stuff to the people they ambush. Now don’t get me wrong. They wanna steal, I’m not gonna care. But this, I don’t want to see on my watch.”

You closed your eyes and felt the adrenaline leaving your body. Suddenly the pain was almost as unbearable as the fatigue. You started wondering how you were going to get back to your shelter.

„Fuck, it hurts,” you sighed, gritting your teeth.

„I can imagine,” the man said, sitting down on the ground right next to you. „Hey, I have a favor to ask. Do you live far?”

„No… not really.”

„Great. I’ll help you get there. Looking at your company tag, you probably have some food and a place for me to crash for a while. You think you could help me out, darling?”

Every single cell of your being screamed no, you have no idea who that man is, don’t trust him, but on the other hand, he did save you from the MULEs. It was the least you could do to pay him back.

„Fine,” you said, opening a direction map on your cufflink; the action almost seemed impossible in your current state. You could feel your head swimming again and your vision was beginning to darken. „Let’s go… before the rain gets worse.”

„Sure thing.”

Before you even had the time (or strength, for that matter) to protest, he picked you up and started carrying you with an it’ll be faster that way thrown carelessly in the air between you. The last thing you were able to notice before you threw up and then passed out was that he was also carrying the chiral transmitters the MULEs stole from you.

***

You woke up with a dull headache, opening your eyes seeming impossible at first. Where were you? What happened? You did have some recollection of the most recent events, but definitely not all of them. You remembered your way home from Mountain Knot City, the MULE attack… oh, and the strange man who saved you from those idiots.

Forcing yourself to open your eyes, you noticed that you were in your own shelter. In your own bed. Everything hurt like crazy, something pulling at your cheek and your jaw feeling incredibly swollen. You tried to move your legs and almost, almost made it when you heard a shuffle of fabric and noticed the stranger suddenly standing next to you.

He was taller than you remembered.

„Good morning, sunshine,” he chimed, leaning over you and looking you in the eyes. „How are we feeling today? You slept for an entire day, you know. You have no idea how bored I was.”

You tried sitting up a little, just to be able to talk to him more comfortably. A day? Your head was wrapped in bandages, some strange gel covering your leg. What the hell happened here?

„Wh… how…”

„Don’t try talking yet, darling. You’re still exhausted. I patched you up the best I could, so you’re probably going to live. Oh, and your friend Heartman called. I didn’t pick up because I didn’t want him to freak out. By the way, what kind of a stupid name is that?”

Heartman called? Oh God. He was probably worried sick by now.

Sitting up a little with your back resting against the pillows, you moved your hand up and noticed purple bruises where your cufflink was. Probably from the strong grip those bastards had on your wrists. Only then did you realize how lucky you actually were that nothing worse happened to you.

„Alright,” you sighed, not really able to think as fast as you would’ve like to. „Thank you. Really. Have you been here all this time?”

Instead of answering, the man reached for a bottle of water and a straw, moving it up to your face. You caught the straw greedily between your lips and even though you knew it wasn’t wise to drink this much this fast, you didn’t care. You were so thirsty.

„Yes,” the man answered, sitting on the bed right next to you. You were finally able to take a better look at him. „It’s actually pretty cozy here. And warm. And I was right about you having food. By the way, I ate most of it.”

The man was tall and well-built, currently wearing a black t-shirt and cargo pants. You noticed a few scars on his arms and hands. His hair was a mess and he apparently hasn’t shaved in the last few days, but he still looked… friendly? Well, definitely not as someone who could hurt you. The look in his blue eyes made a very different impression though.

With the water doing wonders for your sore throat, you were finally able to focus your thoughts a little more.

„Who are you?” You asked, leaning back into the pillows.

„Do you really want to know?” His tone was playful. Why was it playful?

„Well, you spent all this time here and patched me up, so I guess I could at least get to know your name.”

He seemed hesitant. Placing the now empty water bottle on the ground, he shifted uncomfortably.

„I’m not… the most desired person to be around right now, you know.”

„So I’ve guessed. But don’t worry, anything you say here is safe with me. I owe you that much.”

He shifted again, suddenly moving his gaze away from you.

„Alright. It’s not like you weren’t going to find out anyway. My name is Higgs. Higgs Monaghan.”

You blinked twice, expecting him to say that it was a joke. But he didn’t. If he really was who he was saying he was, you let the most dangerous man in the world into your home. Very smart, Y/N. Very smart.

But then again, if he wanted to hurt you or abuse you in any way, wouldn’t he already have done so? Something was wrong here.

„That Higgs Monaghan? Weren’t you supposed to be dead? Or, I don’t know, exiled or something?”

He moved his head, looking at you again. There were so many conflicting emotions lingering on his face that you had no idea how to read them.

„Well, that didn’t really work out,” he shrugged. „Although I am exiled in a way, you know. Anyway, I won’t be too much of a bother. I promise. I’m just going to crash here for the next few days and leave, and you’re never going to see me again.”

„Wait,” you said, trying to follow his train of thought. „So that’s all you want? A place to crash?”

„Uhh, yeah. I don’t really… have anywhere to go now, you know. And I figured that you might help me if I helped you. So I jumped in when those nasty MULEs were trying to hurt you. I guess it was kinda selfish of me, huh?”

You sat in silence for a few moments, trying to figure out how to respond. Higgs, the terrorist and cold-blooded killer, sitting on your bed, definitely not acting like the monster you heard he was.

Something was not right here. Was he… playing you? Maybe he was planning to take you hostage? Your brain immediately started coming up with so many different scenarios your head started to hurt. You had to do something, something that would make you feel safe.

„Alright,” you said after a while, closing your eyes again to try and control the headache. „I have to call Heartman. He’s going to worry.”

„Have fun then. I’ll be on the couch, eating.”

You watched with disbelief as he stood up and left the room, hearing him sit down on your couch in the space you liked to call your living room. Not like it resembled one at all, but you liked to have this distinction. Suddenly, you felt even more uneasy. This man was in your house, in your room. It was no longer your private, personal space. What was he trying to do? Did he have any hidden agenda? You were hoping to observe his reaction to your mention of needing to call Heartman, but he didn’t seem to care. So probably not a hostage. Maybe he was actually telling the truth.

Maybe he was just as lost as the rest of the world.

You opened a connection on your cufflink. Heartman picked up after half a beep.

„Y/N, Gods, I was worried sick!”, you heard him say on the other side and suppressed a chuckle. „What happened? Where were you? Why did I get those weird biometric readings?”

„It’s nice to talk to you too,” you smiled, the motion making you flinch with pain due to your cheek injury. „Before I tell you anything, I just want you to know that I’m fine.”

„What are you talking abo-”

„I was attacked by MULEs,” you said quickly, not really wanting to get into another long discussion about the need to monitor every single activity of all people who work on the network. „But I’m fine. A little bruised, but I’ll live.”

„What-how-I’m sending a medical team to you right away-”

„Stop,” you could almost imagine the scowl he would make at that. „Do I need to remind you that we only have one medical team at our disposal? I suggest you don’t bother them every single time I get a bruise. They might, you know, actually be needed somewhere.”

You heard Heartman sigh. He knew you were right. On the other hand, you also knew that he always worried about his fellow scientists.

„Alright,” he said, defeat obvious in his voice. „But please promise me that you’re going to call me if you need anything. And send me the coordinates so I can send an investigation team to secure the area.”

„I will. Now please stop worrying. I just have to rest for a while and I’ll be good as new.”

„Only if you really rest, you know. Not get to work right away,”

„I know, I know. But you really don’t need to worry. I know I have to take it easy every once in a while.”

„I hope you do. I’ll call you again in a few hours to make sure.”

„Well, I can’t promise I won’t be sleeping then.”

„Or working.”

„I love you too.”

You ended the connection and sat back on the pillows. It really did take a huge toll on you to pretend that you were feeling better than you actually were. Your muscles hurt, your head was spinning and you were pretty sure there were burns on your leg because of the electrocution. At least it felt that way. Not to mention that you could feel the stitches pulling every single time you moved your jaw.

Higgs came back into the bedroom, carrying something with him.

„I brought you something to eat,” he said, eyeing the package carefully. „But I’m not sure how to serve this.”

You glanced to the right, noticing what he was holding.

„You… have to boil it first,” it was beginning to get harder and harder to talk.

He approached you with a weird expression on his face.

„I’m… not sure I understand. How do I boil it?”

„You know. The usual way. You boil water, put the contents in the pot and add some spices. And a spoonful of butter. Then you boil it some more.”

„Wait… what?” His expression changed to puzzled and you realized he had no idea what you were talking about.

„Nevermind,” you sighed, the pain in your back getting worse and worse. „I probably wouldn’t be able to eat it anyway. There’s some protein bars in one of the cupboards. Do you know how to make tea or is that too much for you?”

„Hey! No need to be rude!”

„Sorry. I’m just… it really hurts, you know.”

His features softened a little and he sighed too.

„Okay. I’ll be right back.”

You slumped down on the pillows again and tried to regulate your breathing. Your legs did not only hurt, now they were starting to itch. Maybe you should try and get up just so you could make sure Higgs used the proper medicine.

You moved your entire body to the left and tried moving your legs too to let them dangle from the bed. It hurt like hell, but then again it wasn’t because of the pressure, so you figured it wouldn’t get worse if you placed your feet on the floor and tried to get up.

Unfortunately you were very, very wrong.

The second you pulled yourself up you fell down hard, hitting the floor with a loud thud and the fall resulted in a cascade of pain travelling between your legs and your chest. Suddenly it got hard to breathe. You got scared and felt tears well up in your eyes, constricting your airway even further. Still, before you managed to make any additional sound Higgs was by your side, lifting you up and placing you back on the bed. As soon as you were laid flat again, the suffocating feeling disappeared.

„Seriously, can’t you just lay still for a moment? You’re really badly hurt. You’re not supposed to be moving.”

„I know… I just…” you hated how weak your voice sounded. „I thought…”

„Just stay here, okay? You’ll be back up in no time, but you can’t rush it. Which reminds me, I have to change the dressing on your face. But that can wait until you’re done eating.”

He actually brought you one of the protein bars and some fresh brewed tea. You tried taking it easy with the bar, knowing that you literally won’t be able to stomach it if you ate it too fast. You had to admit that the meal actually made you feel a lot better.

„Thank you,” you said, feeling much warmer and a little stronger. „I’m sorry for being an idiot. I won’t do that again.”

„Good. Now sit up so I can redress that wound.”

You were surprised with the swiftness of his moves when he took off the old dressing, cleaned the area of the wound and placed new gauze on top of your skin. You didn’t fail to notice that he actually knew what he was doing. It made you a little less concerned about the state of your legs.

„Does it look bad?” You asked, looking away from his face.

„Not really,” he said, collecting the used gauze from your bed. „It probably won’t even leave a scar. I had to put two stitches in, but if you don’t fumble with it then you have nothing to worry about.”

Two stitches. In your face. Great.

„Thank you.”

You didn’t have a lot of energy to talk more than that, so you laid back down and decided to take it easy. You noticed Higgs leaving for the living room again, heard him sit down on your couch again and slowly drifted into dreamless sleep.

Maybe it would really do you good to just take it easy for a while.

***

The next few days were a blur, consisting mostly of sleep, eating, taking care of your injuries and Higgs washing your skin with a damp cloth. You were not really comfortable with him taking off your shirt and pants to do that, but you had to admit you were grateful for his help, especially since you were in no condition to just get up and take a shower. He would submerge the cloth in warm water, sit down next to you on the bed and wipe the sweat and blood off your body.

„How long are you planning to stay here?” You asked during the third session, trying to take your mind off the fact that you didn’t really like strangers touching you, especially in such a vulnerable state.

„I don’t know,” he answered, not looking at your face. „Probably a few more days. I’ll wait until you can take care of yourself. But I can leave now if you want me to.”

You did and you didn’t. You had to admit that it was nice to have someone to talk to, but then again it was Higgs, a mass-murdering terrorist with strange powers that you couldn’t even begin to understand. And yet he did nothing to scare you so far. You figured he would’ve hurt you a long time ago if that’s what he was after. Apparently that was not the case.

„It’s fine,” you said, trying to adjust your position so that your back wouldn’t hurt as much. „I just… I don’t really understand what you’re doing here.”

„Mostly reading,” he answered with a silent chuckle. „But yeah, you probably have quite a lot of questions regarding what my plan is. Allow me to explain then. I have no plan. I’m just trying to find a new place for myself now that I’m no longer the herald of death.”

You blinked.

„Excuse me?”

„The extinction entity cut me loose. BRIDGES found and destroyed my hideout. I made so many enemies that it’s probably not a good idea to live close to other people. I’m sure that if you told BRIDGES where I am they would immediately hunt me down. So yeah, I guess I owe you one too. For not telling them, that is.”

You haven’t even thought about that, but now that he said it, it made perfect sense. One message or one phone call and they could be here in half an hour. But it’s not like it would be of any use.

„Why would I do that? You would probably just kill everyone, me included, and all my work would disappear in a voidout.”

He snorted.

„Yeah, I probably would.”

Something was off in his voice, but you decided not to pry any further. You couldn’t help but feel that the conversation was turning dangerous.

In a week the pain in your legs finally got bearable and you could stand up to take a shower. Higgs helped you get to the bathroom, holding one strong arm around your shoulders. You were surprised to notice that he was actually rather skinny - something you were not able to notice with all the clothes he was wearing. He left you by the door and returned to the couch, looking tired. Passing by the living room you noticed discarded wrappers, empty bags of crisps and sweets, but no plates or bowls of actual food. It puzzled you a little, but the thoughts left you as soon as you entered the shower and finally let the warm water run down your skin.

It wasn’t easy to move your arms and your body in general, but you managed somehow, washing yourself the best you could. It was amazing to finally feel clean, to finally be able to wash your hair. There were burn marks on your legs, a few leftover bruises and the still-healing cut on your cheek, but you had to admit it wasn’t that bad. It could’ve been a lot worse. You shook your head, trying not to think about what the MULEs were planning to do to you. You were fine. You were going to be fine, because he helped you. Even if he only did it because of his own selfish reasons, there was no denying that he basically saved you.

You suddenly felt wrong, not really being able to pinpoint the reason why.

When you put on some clean clothes and returned to the living room, you were surprised to see Higgs laying on the couch, curled up in a fetal position under a blanket, asleep. Now that you had more time, you took a better look at him. There was only one word coming to mind looking at him then. Vulnerable. Pale skin, bags under his eyes. What was the deal with this guy? From what you heard, he was supposed to be the most powerful human being on the entire planet.

You sat down next to him, trying to not wake him up. He shifted under the blanket, murmuring something under his breath. It was only then that you noticed a digital notepad laying on the table in front of you. It wasn’t yours, so it must’ve been him who left it there. Without giving it much thought, you reached out and grabbed it with your right hand, careful not to move too much both because of the pain and the fact that you didn’t really want him to know that you were going through his stuff. Still, it looked like he was working on it, so maybe it was going to give you some answers. Especially since he left it unlocked.

You noticed a few files on the desktop, all named using dates. You clicked the one featuring today’s one. When you noticed that it was just a wall of text, you decided to close it, but something stopped you. The title.

It was a journal.

Higgs was writing a journal.

You sent a quick glance his way to make sure that he was still sleeping. There was no movement from his side, so you decided to read through it.

You would have never expected to read what you did.

You’re all alone now. You’ve lost everything. Your mask, her quipu, the BB doll… gone.

You thought you had the power, that you were the one fated to lead them unto extinction… yet here you are, alone. You thought you were in control. That this was your role, your dream… The verge of victory, of oblivion for one and all… Herald, executioner, pawn. God particle? Hah. A stupid name for a stupid goddamn fool.

This was your life, Higgs. Your tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and righteous fury…

Signifying nothing.

You stared at the notepad, trying to wrap your head around what you just read. What was that supposed to mean? Was this what he meant by cut loose by the extinction entity? Or maybe…

Your train of thought was abruptly stopped by a hand snatching the notepad away from you. You screamed in surprise as Higgs was immediately upon you, hands pinning you down to the couch, one on your chest, one on your neck. Anger was burning in his eyes.

„You should not have done that,” he whispered through gritted teeth, face inches away from yours. „You really should not have done that.”

He squeezed hard, blocking your airway, bringing tears to your eyes.

God, why were you so damn stupid.

„I’m… sorry…” you wheezed, trying to take a breath, but his grasp got even tighter. „I didn’t… know…”

„Of course you didn’t,” he spat, his expression even more angry. „You think I did?”

Tears were falling down your face now, not allowing you to speak anymore. So this is it, you thought. Curiosity always kills the cat. And you were going to die here, Higgs was going to kill you with his bare hands, your shelter will be destroyed in a voidout and that would be it. Your life and research gone with a snap of his fingers.

And then, suddenly, his hands let go and he pulled away from you.

The breath you took felt like something that could rupture your lungs, burn through your entire body with the sheer force of your constricting muscles. But it didn’t. It left you gasping for more air, your neck hurting and bruised, incredibly painful. You blinked a few times to chase the tears away, wheezing as your body desperately pleaded for more oxygen. You moved away, sitting up instinctively, trying to protect yourself from the man in front of you. But he was just sitting there, a shadow of defeat present on his face.

It made your chest hurt once again, but this time it was an entirely different feeling.

„I’m sorry,” you whispered, your voice coarse from the assault. „You’re right. I shouldn’t have touched your stuff.”

He didn’t answer. He just slumped on the couch, back under the blanket, turning away from you.

„It’s fine,” he said after what felt like hours, resignation obvious in his voice. „It’s not like it matters now anyway.”

You didn’t know what to do. What were you supposed to say? What were you supposed to do? You had so many questions, but there was no way to ask them now. You didn’t want to make him angry, but there was obviously something wrong, something that made you think he wasn’t really the man he was said to be, at least now. Something that made you think he might’ve been through more than you and that he didn’t just look defeated.

He was defeated.

You stood up, massaging your neck and making your way into the kitchen. You needed some food to help you think. By the looks of your living room, he needed some real food too, so you decided to make something that would actually be both good and nutritious.

Going through your fridge, you were glad to see that most of your groceries were still good to go. You still had some vegetables from the timefall farm, some rice, some frozen chicken. Apparently Higgs only dug into your supply of protein bars and junk food. You felt a shiver run down your spine when you thought about his eating habits. Well, he still saved your life. And you were an idiot to look into his notepad, yes, but you could at least try and make it up to him somehow. You didn’t want to make him think that you weren’t grateful.

Although it might have been too late for that.

When you were done with the preparations you put the rice, the chicken and the vegetables into two bowls and went back into the living room. Higgs was awake, sitting on the couch and clicking frantically on his notepad. You felt another shiver, but suppressed it quickly and approached the couch, sitting down right next to him.

„Here,” you said, offering him one of the bowls. „I made some food.”

He looked at the bowl, a puzzled expression on his face.

„You’re not trying to poison me, are you?”

„No Higgs, I’m not. Eat. You could use some actual food.”

„I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

„Protein bars and crisps are not actual food.”

„Maybe for you.”

You were glad to notice that he was back to his usual demeanor, not sulking under the blanket. You took it as a good sign. He took the bowl from you and started eating, eyeing the first spoonful carefully.

„It’s not going to bite you.”

„Very funny,” he said, swallowing down a particularly big portion of vegetables. „Oh.”

„What?”

„It’s… it’s really good.”

You’ve never seen anyone eat so fast before. He devoured the entire bowl in what felt like seconds while you were still on your second bite. He must have noticed the surprise on your face, so he smiled a little and carefully put the bowl back on the table.

„There’s more if you want.”

„Yes please.”

He ate another serving of the meal just as fast, his look turning into disappointment when he was done. Ultimately he ended up eating another portion and only then did he finally seem sated.

„I take it that you liked it.”

„It was amazing,” he said, making you chuckle. „Really. It was the best meal I ever had.”

„Well, I’m glad. I need to rest now. Cooking was more exhausting than I thought, but the food made me feel better too.”

You sat on the couch for a while longer, Higgs looking weirdly confused. Apparently he wanted to say something more. So you just sat there looking at him until he finally sighed.

„I’m sorry,” his voice was soft, no angry undertone present anymore. „I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. I just… I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t planning on showing this to anyone. I guess I just had to let it out of my system somehow.”

You got more comfortable on the couch, your legs starting to hurt again. He moved, making more space for you.

„I know,” you said after a while. „We can agree it never happened if you promise not to do it ever again.”

„I promise,” he answered immediately, a pleading look on his face. „I do. I don’t want to hurt you.”

You smiled.

„Good,” you said, the stress and worry dissipating a little bit. „And I promise I’m never going to touch anything that belongs to you without your permission.”

„Thanks.”

„But we can talk about it if you want. About what’s bothering you so much, I mean. Maybe it’ll make you feel… better.”

He sighed again.

„There’s nothing to talk about. I’m done and it’s all over. Everything is gone. There’s nothing I can do or change in that matter.”

You moved a little to massage your legs. The muscles were still sore and you felt very weak. Starting with your feet, you moved upwards, kneading your calves carefully.

„Alright. I’m not going to pry. But I want you to know that you can talk to me. It’s the least I can do.”

„You already did more than enough,” he ran his hand through his hair. „Here, let me.”

You stopped moving and looked at him, puzzled.

„What?”

„You’re tired. Let me massage your legs for you. Sit back and relax.”

You were surprised with his offer, but did as you were told. Straightening your back to lay against the pillows on the couch, you extended your legs and he started massaging your left foot. It felt much better than your own hands, still weak and tired from an entire week of just laying down.

It was actually a very pleasant feeling.

„You don’t have to do this.”

„I want to. Shut up.”

Relaxing into the couch a little more, you groaned with disbelief and decided to just let it go. You sat like that for a few minutes, Higgs massaging your legs carefully and you feeling better and better with every passing minute.

„I guess it would do me good if I actually walked for a bit,” you said after a while, moving your legs away and placing your feet on the ground. „I do have to get stronger. I have to get back to work. Which reminds me… I think I noticed you taking my stuff back from the MULEs.”

„Ah, yes. I left these weird things by your bed. One might be broken though.”

„Doesn’t matter. I can always repair it. Making a new one would probably be… impossible,” you sighed, standing up and stretching. „Anyway, I guess I’ll try to slowly get to work. I’ll be in my study if you need me.”

„Study?”

„Yeah, this tiny room over there. I have my desk and instruments there. I’m gonna go through my calendar and figure out what I have to do.”

„Okay, but try not to overwork yourself. I’m not carrying you back to the bedroom.”

You snorted.

„I may not look like it, but I’m actually pretty resilient, you know.”

„Oh, that you are. But you’re also pretty stupid sometimes, so I’m saying it just in case.”

You rolled your eyes and left the living room, taking the chiral transmitters from the bedroom and placing them on the desk in your study. You were right; one was broken, but it wasn’t anything you won’t be able to fix.

Still, you figured it might be a good idea to give Heartman another call.

„Hey there,” you said as soon as your cufflink connection went through. „Just wanted to report that I’m feeling much better.”

„That’s great,” the scientist’s voice came from the speaker. He was obviously relieved. „I take it that you were resting?”

„I was, actually. But I think it’s high time I got back to work. I’m bored.”

Heartman laughed. His laugh always made your heart warmer.

„Good, good,” he said, voice soft and sweet as always. „I actually have some good news for you.”

„Go on.”

„We signed a contract with a security company working with BRIDGES. They will be patrolling the area between our settlements, so we won’t have to worry about MULEs any longer. They already started with the patrols too, so you’ll be safe to travel when you get better.”

„Are you saying that because you’re concerned about our safety or because you want to invite me over for tea?”

„Do I really have to choose?”

You both laughed for a while, his words always lightening your mood. Talking to him felt like home. After all, he was the closest thing you had to a family. You didn’t want him to worry about you too much, but being the kind-hearted man he was you knew it was impossible for him to just let this go. So you actually… lied to him a few times. Just so that you didn’t put even more strain on his poor heart.

You talked for a while longer, Heartman giving you updates about his most recent work so that you could jump right in. As soon as you were done, you decided to work on the broken chiralium transmitter first. Your back still hurt a little and your legs would cramp from time to time, but it was nothing you couldn’t live with. Still, you decided that three hours of work was enough and decided to get back to the bedroom and get some sleep.

You were expecting to find Higgs on the couch, minding his own business, but as soon as you entered the living room you noticed that something was off. It was quiet. Lifeless. The room was empty, two bowls you ate out of still on the table. There was no sign of Higgs in the bathroom or your bedroom either. You sat down on the couch, sighing deeply and feeling a sting of guilt in your stomach.

You didn’t expect him to leave so soon.

***

„I have to tell you something.”

You were sitting at a table in Heartman’s lab, a cup of tea in your hand. You left your shelter for the first time since the assault. It felt so long ago that you couldn’t believe it has just been a little over a month, especially since almost all of your injuries were perfectly healed by then.

„Oh?” Heartman’s tone was inquisitive, curious. „What’s that?”

„About the attack. I wasn’t completely honest with you.”

You noticed his expression shift into concern.

„What are you talking about?”

You reached for a gingerbread cookie and chewed on it, trying to find the right words.

„Can you promise me that it’s going to stay between us? I don’t want BRIDGES all over this.”

„Of course,” Heartman activated his cufflink and cut off all network connections just in case. „Please don’t tell me I have to be worried. Did they… what did they do to you?”

You looked around, following the lights of network switches going offline with your eyes. As soon as the last one was off, you sighed and moved a little closer to the table.

„There was a man,” you started, not really knowing how to put all of this into words; still, you knew you had to talk to someone and Heartman was the only person you trusted wholeheartedly. „He saved me. He took care of me. He brought me back to my shelter, nursed me back to health and disappeared. It has been bothering me ever since.”

Heartman blinked, opening his mouth to speak and closing it back immediately.

„A man? You mean, a stranger?”

„Not really. Well, I had no idea who he was at first, but then he introduced himself and I was sure he wanted to use me as a hostage or something. But he didn’t. He just sat there, saying that he lost everything and that he had nowhere to go, and that…”

„Y/N,” the look in Heartman’s eyes was soft, but also full of worry when he interrupted your sentence. „Who was this man?”

You sighed.

„Higgs Monaghan. It was Higgs Monaghan.”

Heartman’s eyes widened in obvious shock, a visible shiver running down his spine.

„That Higgs Monaghan?”

„Yes.”

„And you didn’t think it might be a good idea to tell me?”

„No, because I was sure that if BRIDGES learned about his whereabouts they would send a small army to hunt him down and he’d just kill everyone and send all my research to hell with a voidout!”

„Alright, alright,” Heartman’s tone changed to apologetic since he realized he might have upset you. „You’re sure it was him?”

„Yes.”

„But you said he took care of you. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would he?”

„I don’t know. He said he figured I could take him in for a few days and that I probably had food. I figured it’s the least I could’ve done to repay him. He did save me from the MULEs, you know.”

Heartman looked puzzled, obviously going through what he just heard in his head.

„I have a hypothesis,” he said after a while. „I already shared it with Sam and Die-Hardman. I think it would make a lot of sense if what you’re saying is true.”

„Meaning?”

„Meaning that we believe Higgs lost his powers after he lost the connection to Amelie. He was supposed to wander the Beach for all eternity, but the extinction entity brought him back to our world. Powerless.”

Suddenly, it all clicked.

„My God, you might be right. I accidentally read his journal and it was… he seemed so defeated. He wrote about being alone, about losing everything. At the time I didn’t understand what it could mean. But God, you can be right.”

Heartman put his cup of tea back on the table and moved his wrist to open something on his cufflink.

„Look,” he said, showing you a chart analyzing a BB doll. „We ran tests on the dolls, actually being able to confirm that they acted as conduits between Amelie and her pawns. Higgs had one just like that. I believe that when Amelie took the doll away from him, he didn’t lose his powers per se, just the connection to the source. But we don’t know how it might affect him. Have you seen him use his powers?”

„No,” you admitted, trying to recall the events of the assault. „I remember MULEs beating me up and some very blurry scenes. I don’t know if it was him attacking them or anything.”

„Well, we must assume that my theory might be true. Still, there is no power source even half as great as Amelie. If he truly did lose it, there’s no way he’s getting it back.”

You suddenly felt your chest tighten with pain. Why would that affect you so much?

Heartman closed the chart and brought his cup of tea back to his lips, taking a long sip.

„Why save me then?” You asked suddenly, rather asking yourself than Heartman.

„There are a few options. One, he figured he might use you somehow. Two, he wanted what you had for himself. Three, he’s actually powerless and lost. Four… all of the above, I guess.”

„What if it’s number three? What if he actually has nowhere to go?”

Heartman straightened his back in the chair, obviously concerned. Not for Higgs though; his concern was for you.

„Well… with all the people currently after him, I don’t really think he has a chance to live much longer. Not after what he’s done. I’m not going to report him to BRIDGES, but I think you should. It’s only a matter of time before they find him.”

„You think they’re going to kill him?”

„I wouldn’t be surprised.”

You wouldn’t have been surprised either. And yet somehow it felt so wrong to judge this man like that.

God, what a mess, you thought. What an actual, fucked up mess.

***

You thought that talking to Heartman might make you feel better; in reality, it made you feel a lot worse.

Coming back to your shelter from his lab you felt your heart growing heavier with every passing second. The thing was, you knew all the things that were said about Higgs. But you also knew this side of him that was so unlike anything you’ve heard. The side where he actually saved your life, for that matter. Even if it was just a coincidence for him, it definitely meant much more for you. You owed him more than you could ever possibly repay and it made you so angry that you will probably never have a chance to even try and return the favor.

Trying to organize your thoughts somehow you didn’t even notice how close you were to your shelter already. Moving along a narrow path leading almost exactly to the entrance, you could’ve sworn you caught yourself mumbling. Stopping for a while to adjust your backpack, you were glad to see that the pathway was actually safe this time. Ever since the BRIDGES patrols started showing up, there were no MULE sightings whatsoever. You stretched, took a few sips of water and continued the walk, trying to calm down and think about work for once.

When you arrived at your shelter it was already getting dark, the evening breeze a little too cold for your liking. It was also pretty foggy, making the valley appear much more ominous than it actually was. You heard the familiar robotic voice informing you that you ID has been recognized and just as you were supposed to enter you heard another sound, one you have actually never heard before.

„WARNING. INTRUDER ALERT. WARNING. WARNING.”

You started looking around frantically, trying to subdue the panic starting to rise in your stomach. Nobody knew you lived there; nobody knew anyone lived there! If your location has been compromised, you would probably have to find a new place. Fuck this. Where was this damn intruder?

You looked around, noticing no change to the surroundings whatsoever. Only then did you notice something weird on the rocks just north of the entrance, a dark smear of some sort. Approaching it carefully and looking more closely, you felt a shiver run down your spine.

It was blood. Fresh blood.

And there was a lot of it.

Too scared to move, you followed the bloody trail with your eyes first. It didn’t start by the rocks, it started much earlier. The problem was that is led directly to the entrance of your shelter. And over there…

You couldn’t believe your own eyes.

There was someone laying there in a pool of blood, wearing heavy boots, a weird cape, cargo pants and… oh my God.

It was Higgs.

Throwing caution to the wind, you were by his side in seconds. Checking for his pulse, you felt incredibly relieved when you found out he wasn’t dead, just very weak. You turned him carefully to see what injuries would cause such massive blood loss, finding three deep cuts on his stomach and leg. It was then that he opened his eyes, face extremely pale, and smiled at you weekly.

„I’m sorry,” you heard him say, his voice barely above a whisper. „I… didn’t know where else to go. But it might have been a bad idea… if I die… I didn’t…”

„Shut up,” you said, feeling tears welling up in your eyes for no apparent reason. „Shut up. Don’t talk. You lost a lot of blood.”

Trying very hard to keep pressure on the wounds, you managed to help him up and then inside, placing him on the bed and removing his clothes immediately. The cuts were bad but it was not the only thing you noticed. There were also bruises and burns all over his body, all of them relatively fresh. You also realized that the fingers in his right hand were broken and that his fingernails were gone. Not really wanting to think about it too much right then, you felt the adrenaline kick in immediately. You needed to help him and you needed to be fast.

You didn’t have a lot of medical experience, but what you did have should be enough. You managed to clean and sew the two deepest cuts, making sure he won’t be losing any more blood. He needed a transfusion though and there was no way he would have been able to tell you what blood type he had. Taking a small sample and waiting for the results you cleaned some of the burns, two of them obviously chemical, covering the wounds with special dressings that were supposed to speed up the healing process. Focusing on his hand, or rather what was left of it, you noticed something else. A few thin, long lines across his wrists, obviously old and well-healed. You ran your fingers along them, noticing how much blood you had on your hands.

„D-don’t,” you heard Higgs say through gritted teeth, „Don’t let d-daddy see, he’s going to hurt me, p-please don’t let him see-”

He was obviously delirious, mumbling under his breath, but the words hit you like a freight train. You realized then that you had absolutely no idea who the man on your bed was and what he has been through. You knew what he did, but you had no idea why he did it. And you were more and more curious with each passing second, so many contradictory facts only messing with your head more.

Now was not the time to think about it though. The blood test was done and you immediately used your terminal to fabricate three blood bags, making sure it was offline for the duration of the process so that nobody could notice you using it for a blood type that wasn’t your own. Hooking Higgs up to the first one, you turned your attention to his hand. Every single finger was broken and apparently his fingernails were torn. Was he tortured? What the hell happened to him?

Cleaning his fingers you realized there would be no way for you to fix them with your medical expertise. Taking a 3D scanner from your study you quickly scanned his left hand, mirrored the image and quickly designed a special two-part cast that would push his bones in place when snapped together. It took ten minutes for your chiral printer to fabricate the design; unfortunately attaching it to Higgs’ hand obviously caused him a lot of pain as he screamed so loud you swore it almost ruptured your eardrums.

„I’m sorry,” you said, placing a hand on his forehead and noticing he was burning up. „It’s okay now. I’m so sorry. I’ll give you something for the pain and some antibiotics soon. Just stay with me, okay?”

„Okay,” he said weekly, looking straight into your eyes. „O… kay.”

There were tears running down the sides of his face. You used your thumbs to wipe them away, suddenly feeling this weird sensation in your throat. Compassion? Hurt? You had no idea. The only thing you did know was that you couldn’t bear the pain so obvious in his gaze, burning through you with intensity you have never experienced before.

You were not going to let him die.

You prepared an IV that was supposed to help him both with the pain and the fever, carefully tapping into one of his veins. When you were done you went through his entire body, checking for additional injuries, luckily not finding anything life-threatening. You could tell some of his ribs were broken though. Unfortunately you didn’t have any equipment to perform a scan, so you quickly placed an order for the Doctor to send you one. And then, four hours later, you were done.

Exhausted and covered in blood, but fucking done.

You sat down on the bed next to Higgs, not even trying to stop the tears from falling anymore. It could have been the chiral allergy for all you knew, or the exhaustion. Or the overflowing feelings you didn’t know how to deal with. You used the back of your hands to wipe the dears away, only realizing that you just smeared blood on your entire face.  Perfect. Just what you needed.

You moved a little closer to Higgs, taking a damp cloth and wiping the blood and sweat from his face. He still looked distressed, but at least he wasn’t that pale anymore.

„Y-you need to run,” he said, obviously still delirious, now probably even more due to the meds you had him on. „You need to go. If he finds you… h-he’s going to hurt you too…”

„It’s fine,” you said, pressing your hand to his forehead again. „Nobody’s here but us. You’re safe here. I got you.”

„N-no, you don’t understand,” it made your chest hurt seeing him in such distress. „We’re not allowed… to go outside, he will… kill me this time, he-”

„Nobody’s going to kill you, Higgs. You’re fine. You just need to rest.”

„B-but he will. He will, you have to make sure to hide the bruises… he hates them…”

You had no idea what he was talking about, but it did strange things to you. It made you feel sorry for him. You knew you shouldn’t have felt that way, but you couldn’t have helped it.

So you stood up and left the bedroom, deciding to take a shower and collect your thoughts.

It was going to be a long night.

***

You woke up because of the pain in your neck, trying to move your head to switch to a more comfortable position. It was only then that you realized you were actually sitting down on a chair, arms folded on the bed and your head resting on top of them. Great. As if the soreness wasn’t enough. Why were you here anyway?

The events of the night started coming back to you slowly just as you looked up to see Higgs laying on your bed, blood everywhere, discarded towels and fragments of clothing on the floor. You sighed. It was a hell of a battle. Probably the toughest you ever had to face.

Getting up and taking a better look at him, you were glad to see that he was no longer so pale and that even though his face was still covered with blood and dirt he actually looked peaceful. There was no additional swelling in his hand either. You sighed with relief as a temperature scan revealed that his fever was also going down. No longer running on adrenaline, you felt your stomach do a flip, reminding you that it was high time you ate something. You decided to leave Higgs in peace and went into the kitchen to grab some fruit.

You were tempted to call Heartman then, to talk to him and ask him for advice, but you didn’t want to put this kind of responsibility on him. He’s already done more than enough by keeping your little secret. You also noticed that the urgent order you placed with the Doctor has already arrived at your delivery terminal. Retrieving the package and using the scanner on Higgs immediately you were relieved to see that only two of his ribs were broken and than no organs were damaged. You allowed yourself a deep sigh of relief as you sat down on the bed.

Higgs was asleep. No longer unconscious, but asleep. The meds really did help his pain. His lips were slightly parted, blowing soft puffs of air with every rise and fall of his chest. Without thinking much, you reached out and nuzzled his cheek with the knuckles of your right hand. As soon as you realized what you were doing though you stood up, angry at yourself. You shouldn’t be touching him. You shouldn’t even be close to him before you get to know what’s going on.

You went into the bathroom to retrieve a cloth and a bowl of warm water, coming back to the bed to wash Higgs a little more thoroughly. It was strange to still remember so vividly how he did the exact same thing for you not so long ago. The only difference was that he was in a much worse shape.

When you were done with the washing you gathered the bloody towels, brought back a new pillow and covered Higgs with an additional blanket. Seeing as there was not much more you could have done, you decided to get back to work and just let him rest.

Except there was no way for you to focus right now. Every single time you tried to go back to your research you would find your mind wandering, thinking about the man in your bedroom and about what he said during the night. He was obviously talking about a very specific person that he was sure was going to hurt him. At the beginning he mentioned daddy. Was he really that afraid of his father or was it something he was just remembering? And if it was just memories, why now?

So many questions and not a single answer. You groaned, burying your face in your hands, massaging your forehead. You had no idea what to do. For the first time in your life. It felt like something was happening that was entirely out of control and you hated this type of situations. The worst thing was that you felt like you couldn’t really talk to anyone about it or even ask someone for support. How were you supposed to take care of man who has nearly died? You did have some medical knowledge, yes, but definitely not to that extent. So you decided to just browse through the chiral network to try and find some useful information. Writing down notes and going through some documents from the Doctor, you ultimately didn’t realize how much time has passed when you were done.

You went back to the bedroom to check on Higgs. He was still asleep, looking a lot more comfortable than earlier. You replaced his IV, checked his temperature and sat on the bed again.

Looking at his peaceful expression made you feel uncomfortable. You couldn’t really pinpoint the reason why. You heard so many awful things about this man and yet here he was, looking so… human. You figured Heartman’s theory might have been correct. If he let anyone do this to him, he must’ve been unable to fight back. Maybe he really did lose his powers.

You noticed him stir, murmuring something under his breath. When his eyes opened and he focused his gaze on you, you instinctively tried reassuring him with a smile. He looked so lost and confused that for a while you thought he might not even know where he was.

„Wh…,” he tried to speak, but you hushed him by placing your hand on his cheek.

„Don’t talk,” you said, surprised with the hoarseness of your own voice. „You’re safe. And you’re going to be okay. Just take it easy.”

He blinked a few times, looking around the room. Apparently it was all coming back to him now that he was awake.

„I, uh…”

„You’re in my bedroom, Higgs. I took care of your wounds, so you can say that we’re square now. Do you want something to drink?”

That was when he realized your hand was still on his cheek. He leaned into it gently, closing his eyes and nodding.

„Y… yes.”

„I’ll be right back.”

He must have been both hungry and thirsty at the same time, so you figured water might not be the best choice. Instead you warmed up some almond milk to make sure it would be good for his stomach and at least a little nutritious. You brought a mug back to the bedroom and helped him up a little, adjusting a metal straw just so he could drink comfortably. He drank greedily but you took it as a good sign. Obviously his stomach was able to take it too.

„Thank you,” he said when he was done as you placed the mug on a table behind you. „I… I probably would’ve been dead now if it wasn’t for you.”

„It’s possible,” you said, wiping his mouth with your sleeve. „I’d say you were pretty close. Can you tell me what happened? Who did this to you?”

Higgs sighed, obviously trying to collect his thoughts.

„The MULEs,” he said after a while. „I think they heard that I could no longer use my powers to the extent that I would have liked and decided to, well… set some things straight. Let’s just say that it wasn’t the most pleasant encounter in my life.”

He snorted with something that was probably supposed to be a laugh but went into a coughing fit seconds later. You held him up, placing one hand on the back of his head.

„Believe it or not, but I could tell. How did you manage to escape?”

„Coincidence. A porter was driving through the area and those idiots left me alone to try and get him. So i used the very last ounce of power I still had in me to teleport away from there. Unfortunately, it made me too weak to even be able to walk, but I managed to crawl my way to safety. And then I got here. I figured… if anyone…”

You were waiting for him to finish the sentence, but he never did. So you brought some more warm almond milk from the kitchen and sat next to him again, allowing him to drink at his own pace.

„You figured I would help you,” you said, holding the mug close to his face. „And you were right.”

„I guess I was.”

Silence fell between the two of you, interrupted only by the sound of him swallowing mouthfuls of liquid from the mug.

„So is it true? Did you really lose your powers?”

When he was done drinking he laid back on the bed and sighed.

„It is and then it isn’t. I mean, you see the state I’m in. But on the other hand, I didn’t lose the power itself. I was just cut from the source.”

So Heartman was right, you thought.

„The source being Amelie?”

„Precisely. That pretentious bitch used me and then just threw me away when she no longer needed me. I guess I deserved it though. I wasn’t exactly the kindest person, you know.”

„So it was her pulling all the strings? Fording you to do these things?”

„You can say that,” he sighed again, this time deeper. „She was smart about choosing her minions. I guess that’s what happens when you give unlimited power to someone who’s never had any his entire life.”

So that’s what it was about? Trying to make up for helplessness and the inability to control your own life? You didn’t want to jump to any conclusions yet, but it did seem awfully possible. Especially knowing about Amelie’s role in all of this.

„Alright,” you said, desperate for some answers but not really wanting to exhaust the man any further. „Let me see if your fever has gone down.”

You reached out with your hand to place it on his forehead and something unexpected happened. He flinched. Flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to move away from you. It was just two seconds altogether, but even though you were puzzled at first it ultimately made so much sense. Especially in connection to what he has been saying.

„I’m not going to hurt you,” you said, trying to sound calm. „I just want to touch your forehead. Can I do that?”

Obviously surprised with his own reaction he nodded, eyes wide open and fixated on you. You tried not to think about it too much even though your thoughts were racing.

You only noticed how tense he was when you finally placed the hand on his forehead and felt his body relax under your touch.

„Sorry,” he whispered, flashing you a toothy grin. „Old habits die hard, I guess.”

You didn’t want to know. You didn’t want to ask.

But the pain in your chest was not getting any better.

You eventually did place the hand on his forehead and noticed with relief that he no longer had a fever. Still, what happened shook you up a little and you decided to just leave him alone for a while. You sat down in your study and noticed a message from Heartman with a few files attached.

I just got this from Sam, it said. I think you should see this.

Attached were twenty six parts of what you immediately recognized to be Higgs’ journal.

***

You spent the next few days basically walking on eggshells. You had no idea how to confront Higgs about what you read, especially remembering how angry he got when you read that single entry over a month ago. On the other hand, you couldn’t pretend that you didn’t know. You were such a bad liar. So you kept telling yourself that you were just going to wait for the right moment.

Luckily Higgs was feeling better with every passing day. After a little more than a week he was able to get up from the bed and walk around the shelter on his own. You were also able to remove the stitches from the wounds you sutured and to adjust the cast for better healing of his bones. He was also finally able to eat solid food, eagerly waiting for every single dish you would whip up for him.

One day you decided to make something sweet and maybe get him to talk a little more. You baked a simple cheesecake and brought it into the living room where Higgs was laying on the couch. He sent a puzzled look your way, eyeing the tray you were carrying with curiosity.

„Why does this smell so nice?” He asked, sitting up immediately.

„It’s a cake. They always smell nice.”

„A cake?!”

The excitement in his voice both surprised and amused you. You set the tray down on the table and watched him devour the cheesecake piece by piece. You had to snatch a piece for yourself to even be able to try it at all.

When he was finally done you saw him relax back into the couch, blissful expression on his face as he wiped his mouth with the back of his left hand. You sat back too, figuring it might indeed be a good moment to start a conversation.

„So Higgs,” you started, eyeing his face carefully for any signs of discomfort. „What wre you going to do now?”

He sat up a little, making sure to keep eye contact.

„I have no idea, darling. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m still alive. So many people out to get me and it was the MULEs who did it first? I’m pretty sure BRIDGES is going to hunt me down as soon as I step out of this shelter, especially since my powers are, well, useless. And it’s not like I can just stay here forever, no matter how charming you find me, right?”

You sighed. It wasn’t going to be easy.

„If you could go anywhere and do anything, what would you do?”

You noticed a shift in his attitude. He couldn’t deflect all your questions with his weird sense of humor.

„Well, I would probably go somewhere far away, maybe even beyond the mountains, and just stay there until the rest of my days. In fact, I was trying to do just that before the MULEs stopped me. I’ve learned my lesson, you know.”

„What lesson?”

„Wherever I go, destruction follows, even if I don’t really want it to happen. You know it well enough, sweetheart. And I would hate it if anything happened to you.”

„Me? Why is that?”

„You’re probably the only person ever who was nice to me. Hell, you saved my life. Although maybe it would be better if I was gone, you know. I don’t really want to die, no, but I figured just leaving would do the trick. Only it’s not going to be as easy as I initially thought.”

You felt a sting in your heart at these words. And then you remembered what you read in the journals. He never really had anyone. Or anything, for that matter.

„Why did you do it?”

„Did what?”

„All those things to all those people. You know, with nukes and Homo Demens at your disposal.”

He sighed. It was a heavy sigh, one that you could almost feel the weight of in your own chest.

„I thought it would be the only way for me to have something, you know. I had all these followers, I had this power. I never felt so… alive. And Amelie, this fucking bitch, she knew exactly what buttons to press. She promised me so many things and I fell for it like a kid who just got offered candy. She promised I would be important, respected. Feared. And I was, but so what? It didn’t matter, it didn’t matter at all.”

You moved a little closer to him, trying to make sure that he could look you right in the eyes when you started talking.

„I understand you did things you’re not proud of,” you said, making sure to choose words carefully. „But it’s not too late, you know.”

„Yeah right. Try telling that to BRIDGES.”

„I just might. But I need to know what your plans are. It seems to me like you didn’t really want to do any of these things.”

„Of course I didn’t!” you could clearly hear anger in his voice. „I just… I thought it might be the only way for me to have something. To have her, I don’t know, someone who cared. That if I did what she said I might feel welcome. Or wanted. I know it was stupid, but there’s only so much one can take, right?!”

You did not expect those words to fall from his lips, but they hit you right when it hurt most. The constant need to be appreciated. To be praised by someone. To feel needed. You knew this feeling all too well, but you had people around you who were always eager to give you so much of it.

Judging from his words, he never had any in his entire life. No wonder he turned out to be so broken.

„I know, Higgs. I know,” you said, trying to make your voice sound as calm as possible. „I know exactly what you mean. It just seemed to me that you picked fear instead of respect out of worry that there was no other way.”

„Because there wasn’t. My own family hated me. My own father, well, uncle, do you know what he did to me? He kept me locked in a shelter for as long as I can remember, beating me up every single time I wanted to even take a look outside. He would beat me so badly that I could barely walk. How could there have been any other way?”

„I’m very sorry to hear that. It sounds terrible, and…”

„It was terrible. But then he died and I was finally able to leave the shelter, and you know what? I was happy. I was a porter, you know? And I loved this job. Except people were still afraid of me, high DOOMs levels and shit. So I figured, why change that? Why work my ass of to prove something they wouldn’t believe anyway? I should just find a way to be more powerful. But if you base everything you are on power, what do you have left when it’s gone? Nothing. You’re suddenly left with nothing, no fear, no respect. Nobody would even care if you’re gone. Just like I never cared about my father. Just like I felt relieved when he died, everybody else would if I did.”

„That’s not true.”

„What can you know? You sit here in your fancy shelter, do your fancy work with your fancy friends. I bet you’ll all be drinking tea soon, talking about stupid Higgs who finally got what he deserved, and…”

You felt anger rising within you this time.

„Shut up! You know nothing about my life. And I care about you, okay? That’s why I brought you in. I could’ve just left you outside to die and then take you to an incinerator, but I didn’t. Not because I owed you one, but because I cared, okay?! Because I don’t believe you’re as shit as you want everyone to believe! I figured you had more in you. And I’m pretty sure I was correct.”

He opened his eyes wide, looking at you with disbelief.

„You… what?!”

„I know a broken man when I see one. And yes, you are a little shit, but it’s no wonder considering what kind of childhood you had. So maybe try and be nice for once.”

„I’m always nice!”

„Oh, come on. I knew you weren’t the monster everyone’s picturing you to be. You saved me from the MULEs, for fucks’ sake. You could’ve left me there and just taken my cufflink to navigate you here, but you didn’t. And you fucking nursed me back to health. You may be an idiot, yes, an idiot with really bad manners. But I’m pretty sure you have it in you to be a little… I don’t know, more likable?”

Higgs shrugged, obviously uncomfortable, but that was good. At least he was listening.

„I’m not heartless, you know?” He said, sending an accusatory gaze your way. „I just… I learned to not depend on other people. With you… I may be an idiot like you said, but I really do believe that you care about me.”

You rolled your eyes. This fucking guy.

„Well, it’s about time you did. I was really trying to make it clear.”

Was he… was he smiling?

„You’re right. I’m sorry. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. Hell, nobody has ever done even half of what you did for me. But I… I don’t have anything to give you in return.”

„I didn’t do this to get something in return, Higgs.”

„Then why? Why did you help me?”

He surprised you with this question. You didn’t really know what to say because you didn’t really know the reason why yourself.

„I don’t know.”

„And you’re saying I’m the broken one.”

You reached for one of the pillows and threw it his way without even thinking about it. He chuckled and caught it with his left hand with no effort whatsoever.

„I just…” you said, still baffled. „I just didn’t want you to be alone.”

„I never wanted to be alone either. Look where it got me.”

You made up your mind then. Sitting up, you gestured with your hands, getting more comfortable on the couch.

„Come here,” you said, trying to encourage him.

„Where?”

„Here. I’m not going to hurt you. I want to hug you.”

He was obviously surprised with what you said, but moved forward nonetheless. Kneeling between your legs he slowly lowered his body into your welcoming embrace, wrapping his arms around your waist. He looked up at you then, head resting on your chest as you tangled one of your hands into his hair and placed the other on the small of his back. You could feel a shiver running down his spine, a shiver he was not even trying to hide.

He eased into you then, muscles suddenly relaxing and giving in to your touch. His left hand pressed softly into your back, pulling on the fabric of your shirt. You lowered your head and buried your face in his hair, nuzzling the skin there with your nose.

It felt good. It felt safe.

„So this is what it feels like,” he said softly, his voice bringing you back to reality.

„Depends,” you answered, smiling. „But yes, it’s usually very nice.”

He shifted a little, moving his head so that his face was resting in the crook of your neck. You felt his warm breath against your skin.

„I’ve never… been that close with anyone,” there was a strange tone to his voice; something you couldn’t really pinpoint. „It feels… strange.”

„We can stop if you’d like.”

„No. Please.”

The last sentence came out a little desperate, raspy, almost as if he was actually scared you would push him away. But you weren’t going to. This has already gone too far and you were not going to back away now.

You couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed you. And that you needed him, even if you couldn’t understand it yet.

So you brought him even closer, hand still in his hair, lips pressing against his ear.

„I’m here,” you said, voice barely above a whisper. „I’m here and I’ll take care of you.”

He moved then, moved his head to look you straight in the eyes. You almost felt you head spin from the intensity of his gaze. He placed his forehead against yours, nuzzling your nose with his.

„You will?”

„I promise.”

When he pressed his lips against yours you weren’t sure he knew exactly what he was doing, but you welcomed him, welcomed his gesture and welcomed his trust. Biting his lower lip you made him open his mouth, sliding your tongue against his. He moaned then, not even trying to hide it, letting you do whatever you please and pressing into you even more, shifting a little to get more comfortable. He reached out to bury his hand in your hair too, pulling you closer, resting his weight on you even more.

That’s when you noticed he was painfully hard.

„Higgs,” you whispered right into his mouth. „Take it easy, slow down-”

„No, please,” he was begging again, whispering right into your mouth. „Please don’t stop. You feel so good.”

As messy as your kisses were, you had to admit they did have a powerful effect on you too. You couldn’t remember when was the last time someone kissed you. But this? You wanted this, you wanted it more than anything in the world right now. You wanted him any way he would allow.

But today was about Higgs and his comfort. About making him feel good. After all, you did make a promise. Might start taking care of him now.

Not breaking the kiss, you reached down between your bodies to slide his pants down. He moaned into your mouth again, biting your lower lip, chasing every sound you were making with his tongue.

„Higgs-” you wanted to ask for permission, to warn him, but he didn’t even let you.

„Pleasepleaseplease don’t stop, oh please… oh fuck!”

Your hand slid behind the waistband of his pants and grabbed him hard, moving agonizingly slow from head to base. He was a mess in your hands, the words he was saying to longer intelligible.

„I’m here,” you whispered, biting his lower lip. „You’re safe here. I got you.”

He came hard then, your name on his lips followed by a string of yeses and ohs. You held him through it, not letting his lips go even for a second. The look on his face was so blissful, so sweet you felt another violent pull in your heart.

This time though it was an entirely different type of feeling.

He collapsed onto you, once again burying his face in the crook of your neck. You kissed the top of his head, removing your hand from where it was sandwiched between your bodies. You wiped it on one of the pillows, making a mental note to take care of it later. The only other thing you managed to do was reach for a blanket and pull it over the both of you, earning a content sigh from Higgs.

„That was… so good,” he said, voice still shaky, mumbling against your skin.

„Yes it was,” you smiled, nuzzling his hair with your nose. „We’re in this together, Higgs. We’ll find a way to get through this.”

„I don’t ever want anything bad to happen to you,” he said after a while. „As I said, I’m bad luck. Really bad luck. But I… I also don’t want to be away from you.”

„I understand. We’ll figure something out.”

„We will.”

„That’s what I just said.”

„I know, it’s just… it feels so good to say we and mean… me and you.”

You smiled again. He could be nice sometimes.

„Yes. Me and you.”

[atths--twice]

Practical College Applications

A college AU, in which Mulder and Scully meet and get to know one another as they apply college courses, to real life scenarios.

I am not sure I posted this here, it being awhile back that I posted the first chapter, well the one shot really, but I wanted to post it again in case I hadn’t and because I have written a new chapter to the story. I also changed the original title as it is now looking like this may be a multi-chapter story. 

Last August I saw a post on Twitter that had this photo and asked this question:  On Twitter, "Ok, but what if instead of a hotel room it was a cabin, and they were students on an excursion." Well ... if anyone knows me, they know that I was immediately intrigued and began to think of a plan. What kind of excursion, I asked. Any type! I was told, and so here we are! I hope you enjoy, the tale I've created.

Botany 101- A Nice Trip To The Forest

Fox Mulder, known to everyone as Mulder, as he hated his first name, shifted his backpack for what felt like the twentieth time in the last half hour. It had not been problematic when he had worn it at home and around town, as he had gotten used to the weight of the things he would need for this weekend away, but now it felt as though his items had been replaced with rocks.

He had been looking forward to this trip since the class began. It was one of the main reasons he had signed up for a botany class in the first place - the eventual excursion into the forest it had promised.

School had been keeping him busy and unable to escape the noise and the fast pace of the city. Since he had transferred to the University of Maryland, he had been working harder and buckling down. He had saved enough in the past two years of working to not have to worry about anything but his studies.

Torn between which electives to take for the year, he had settled on botany. He had always enjoyed nature and discovering new things within, so it seemed perfect. The class was not too full from the offset, and it had dwindled down to even less soon thereafter. Mulder however, found the class intriguing and enjoyed the lectures. The professor was funny and kept the class entertained.

There was also, though Mulder would not freely admit it, a woman in the class he found very beautiful. He had not spoken to her, save the occasional hello as they passed each other, but she captivated him. This was actually the second course they shared, and though he enjoyed the more intimate class size, he knew he would appear a fool if he spoke to her. His words got tripped up by his tongue when he was around her.

“Hey, Mulder,” said a voice, and he sighed as he saw Kyle Dale walk up beside him. He really did not care for Kyle. He was very rich and made sure to let everyone know it. “You know there’s only the two girls here, and there are us six guys. We need to be the ones to make a move, the other guys are losers.” Kyle nudged him as he raised his eyebrows, and Mulder adjusted his backpack yet again.

“I’d recommend you don’t let the women hear you say that, Kyle, not girls. In fact, maybe don’t say that at all. This isn’t some bar, it’s a college course. We’re all here to learn and you know, I haven’t seen either of them show any interest in you at school, I can’t imagine the woods will change their opinions,” Mulder said, glancing at the two women and then back to Kyle. “Just, let them be.”

“Jesus, you’re such a fucking downer, man. Do you ever get laid?” Kyle shook his head and walked away, catching up to Brian Harding and glancing back at Mulder as they both laughed loudly.

Assholes, he thought, shaking his head. He looked back at the women again and watched the one he found attractive, hoping he was not being too obvious.

She laughed at something her friend Hannah said, tossing her long red braid over her shoulder. God, he was such a sucker for redheaded women. He had been since third grade, when Jenny Lipton had moved into town halfway through the year. She was introduced by his teacher, and when she smiled at the class, his hands got sweaty. He shyly brought her dandelions at recess, and she took his hand, pulling him to the swings. He pushed her for as long as she wanted, not caring that he never even had a turn.

This woman though, she was on another level. Her smile made his heart race and when he heard her laugh, he always wanted to hear it again. She also smelled amazing. She sat across from him in class, and every time she moved her hair, he caught a whiff of flowers and clean soap. It drove him wild and sometimes caused his attention to wander from the lecture.

Yes, Jenny Lipton had been his first real crush, but she could not hold a candle to Dana Scully.

“Class, we’re going to stop here for a bit. I want each of you to take out the journals you were to bring and identify the plants of the area. You should have your guide pages with you as well. We’ll be here for about forty five minutes and then we’ll be moving on to the campground,” Professor Morrow said, taking his pack off and setting it on a rock. He was about forty, a hippie with long blond hair and a full beard. He was a kind teacher and cared deeply for the subject he taught. “Break into teams or on your own, whichever you prefer.”

Mulder glanced quickly over at Dana and saw her and Hannah, slip off their backpacks and take out their journals and guide pages. She stretched and rolled her neck as she picked up her things and walked with Hannah into the woods. He took off his backpack, took out his own journal, and headed into the woods behind them.

An hour later, they all met up to collect their packs and move on. Mulder put his things away and put his pack back on, adjusting the straps so it sat better this time. They trudged on for another hour, before arriving at the campsite. A round fire pit sat in the middle of a clearing, thick round tree stumps encircling it.

Everyone sat their bags down and Kyle loudly announced he would make a fire. He walked away to gather some wood and the others began to set up their tents. Mulder had a one man tent, as he had no intention to share one with anyone. He had it set up quickly, and as he pounded the stakes in to secure it, he heard Dana laughing. He looked up to see her and Hannah struggling to get their tent up, laughing as they did. Dana was bent over, clutching her side, and then her head was thrown back as she laughed. Watching her, he missed the stake, and hit his thumb.

“Fuck,” he seethed under his breath, sticking his thumb in his mouth, the pain sharp and throbbing. He glanced up quickly to see if Dana noticed, but she and Hannah were still struggling with their tent and laughing.

Finished with securing his tent, he tossed his backpack inside, intent on setting out his sleeping bag later. He stood up and brushed off his hands, swallowing hard, as he walked closer to the women and cleared his throat. As Dana turned around and looked at him, he was struck again by the blue of her eyes.

“Uhh … would you … do you need a hand?” he stammered, and she smiled at him, making his heart race.

“I think we got it, but thanks, Fox,” she said with another smile.

“Mulder,” he said without thinking, realizing he would not mind his hated name being said by her. She tilted her head and stared at him.

“Really? You go by your last name with everyone? It’s not just a guy thing?” she asked. “Do you really not go by Fox? No one calls you Fox?” Her eyes twinkled and he felt he would let her call him anything, if she kept smiling and looking at him that way.

“Uh … my family, but not really anyone else,” he said, even as his brain screamed at him to shut up and walk away. “Whatever you … either is fine.” He turned and walked away, exceedingly embarrassed, wishing he could disappear.

“Thanks for the offer of help‍ … Mulder,” she called after him, and he turned quickly, her dancing eyes on him, her red hair shining in the sunlight. He nodded and turned around again, walking aimlessly away from them, shaking his head at his idiocy.

He walked around for a while prior to heading back to the campsite, needing time to recover from his own stupidity. He headed over to the fire pit and watched Kyle trying to build a fire. He was doing it all wrong, laying the wood haphazardly as he added kindling under it. Mulder shook his head, stepping closer to show him how to do it correctly, when he heard a voice behind him.

“You’re not doing that properly.” He turned and saw Dana standing there, her hair down and wavy from the braid. She was looking at the fire pit, but cut her eyes at Mulder, causing him to smile slightly. “You need to build it like a chimney so the oxygen can feed through the kindling and the wood -”

“Excuse me, sweetheart,” Kyle said, looking up at her with a sneer. “I don’t need help from you on how to build a fire, okay?” He went back to trying to get the fire burning and Dana stepped closer to him.

“If our warmth and the ability to eat tonight is dependent on you, sweetheart, then I’m going to have to insist that you either build the fire properly, or get out of the way so I can do it,” she said, in a low controlled tone that made Mulder both afraid and highly aroused. Kyle stared up at her and then stood up, towering over her. She did not back down or show any fear, and soon Kyle stormed away, claiming he needed more wood.

Dana glanced over at Mulder and rolled her eyes as she pushed up her sleeves and restructured the fire. She had it lit within minutes, stood up and brushed off her hands. She looked at Mulder with a grin, and he smiled back, nodding at her appreciatively.

“Make sure he doesn’t overload it with wood, okay? I’m going to find Hannah. I wasn’t going to stop and help, but he was being an idiot about it,” she said as she walked away. He grinned and watched her before turning his eyes back to the fire.

Hours later, after everyone had eaten, they were discussing the plant life they had found that day. Kyle sat quietly, still stinging over the fact that a woman, a younger woman at that, had shown him up, The other guys kept razzing him, which he was not taking well.

Mulder sat to the left of Dana, with Hannah on her right. As the others discussed the plant life, he knew they were mistaken with their findings. Not only did he know, but he heard Dana repeatedly muttering, wrong under her breath. He huffed and she looked at him with a grin.

“Well, they are wrong,” she whispered, and he smiled. “We had the guide papers, I don’t know how they could be so mistaken.” She shrugged and he coughed to cover up a laugh as she turned around and watched the fire.

Not long later, everyone headed off to bed, the fire dying, but not out completely. Mulder watched Dana and Hannah walk into their tent as he was going into his own. Laying his sleeping bag out, he changed his clothes, adding an extra zip up hooded sweatshirt to take away the chill.

Getting inside the sleeping bag, he rested his head on his backpack but quickly pushed it aside, finding it too bulky to be used as a pillow. Putting his arms behind his head, he wished the tent had a mesh top so he could see the stars, but he would make do with the sound of the crickets and owls in the trees.

After the day’s activities, he should be tired, exhausted even, but he was wide awake. Sighing, he decided to go sit by the fire for a little while. Putting his boots back on, he opened his tent, stepped out, and zipped it up again, to avoid allowing in any unwanted critters. Hands in his sweatshirt pockets, his head down, he did not notice that he was not the only one with the idea to sit by the fire.

“Oh!” He heard and looked up in surprise. Dana was standing there, poking at the fire with a long stick. “I didn’t wake you, did I? I wasn’t too loud?”

“No, not at all. I … uh … I wasn’t tired, surprisingly, and thought I’d check on the fire. Guess you beat me to it,” he said and she smiled. He walked closer and stood beside her, the fire still burning low and giving off heat.

She added another few small pieces of firewood and stirred at the fire as she sat down on a stump. Mulder sat beside her and they quietly stared at the fire as it began to slightly grow. He glanced at her and then back at the fire.

“So, did the fact that we all went to bed, in the middle of a forest with a fire smoldering, bother you a bit, too?” she asked him quietly, and he laughed softly. “Or were you also a dumb idiot, who forgot to pack an extra sweatshirt, thus needing to seek out the warmth of said fire?”

He turned his head to look at her and realized she was definitely not dressed for the cold night air. She had a long flannel on, but it was absolutely not enough to keep her small body warm. He watched her wrap her arms around herself, and he stood up, already unzipping his sweatshirt.

“Oh no,” she said, putting up her hands. “Please don’t think I was implying I expected you to do that, I was just making conversation. I can’t take your sweatshirt from you. It’s my own fault for forgetting an extra shirt. Please … no.” She shook her head and pushed at the item he offered her. “I can’t.”

“You can,” he said, holding it out to her and staring at her. “It’s an extra. Well, I mean I have two shirts and this long sleeved one as well. I’ll be okay without the sweatshirt. That flannel won’t keep you warm enough. Take it. Please.” He held it out and she finally accepted it, standing up to put it on and zip it up. It was big on her of course, but wearing the flannel under helped it to fit better.

As she pulled her hair from inside it and tossed it back, he was treated to the most wonderful scent of flowers. She kept her head down for a second before raising her eyes to his. “Thank you,” she said quietly, and he nodded at her, seeing the flames from the fire reflecting in her eyes. He smiled and sat back down, as she sighed and did the same.

They sat in silence for a few minutes and watched the fire, when she suddenly stood quietly, and walked to her tent. She did not look back, but stepped inside and zipped it shut. He was left wondering if he had done something wrong, but then he smiled slowly, as he realized she was still wearing his sweatshirt.

He sat by the fire until it burned down low enough to not be a hazard, and then headed to his own tent. Laying down inside the bag once again, he smiled, imagining her sleeping comfortably because of the warmth his sweatshirt provided her. Closing his eyes, he was asleep in minutes.

_______________________

The next morning, Mulder woke with the dawn, dressed, and rebuilt the fire. He shivered as he waited for it to warm up, his eyes flicking towards Dana’s tent, hoping she had been warm enough last night. Stirring the fire, he stood with his hands extended, feeling the warmth beginning to build.

Not long after the fire was burning steadily, others began to emerge from their tents, happily seeking the warmth of the fire. Each person thanked him as they stood around it, warming their hands and backs in turn. A few of the guys started to prepare some peanut butter sandwiches for the group. Brian handed one to Mulder, who took it with a nod.

After nearly everyone had gotten up, Dana and Hannah finally came from their tent, ready for the day. Dana glanced his way and then looked down, walking over to grab a sandwich from Brian. Hannah continued on to speak to Craig, a quiet guy who Mulder actually got along with. Dana stood on the fringe and then came closer to him.

“Your sweatshirt is in the tent. I didn’t want to bring it out in front of everyone,” she said, glancing up at him, her eyes begging him to understand.

“You keep it for tonight, just in case,” he shrugged, and she shook her head. “You can.” He repeated his words from last night to her again and she sighed with a nod.  

“Thank you,” she whispered, and then walked away.

The tents were taken down and packed up as the sun began to rise higher in the sky. They left on a trail and Mulder followed behind Hannah and Dana, listening to their conversation while trying not to appear too creepy. They discussed dating and Dana admitted to Hannah that the last couple of dates she went on was a while ago, with one of the men standing her up.

Mulder scoffed at the stupidity of whoever that man was, and Dana turned around quickly and looked at him. He stopped walking abruptly and stared at her, embarrassed beyond belief. He saw her lips twitch as she turned around and began to walk again. He fell back a few paces, intent on that not happening again.

An hour or so later, they came to a shallow but wide stream they needed to cross. A log had fallen, creating a natural bridge, and they took turns walking across it carefully. Mulder had almost neared the end when his foot slipped and he fell into the stream. He luckily had not broken or sprained anything, but everything he was wearing was thoroughly soaked.

Everyone laughed, including Dana, but she was the only one to come over and help him, as he spluttered and tried to stand up. She reached for his backpack, and he handed it to her, rising to his knees and then his feet.

“Shit,” he muttered, unbuttoning his flannel shirt. He took it off and the one underneath, leaving him in a very wet tank top, cargo shorts, socks, and boots. He glanced up and found that Dana had turned her head, his backpack held in her hand, as it dripped steadily into the stream.

“I’ll take that back now,” he said softly, and she nodded, glancing at him as her eyes quickly moved up and down his body, before she turned and walked away, running her fingers through her long ponytail. He smiled as he watched her, not seeming to notice how wet he truly was.

Up another hill, they came to their camping site. A large fire pit was surrounded by small, single occupancy cabins. Everyone exclaimed at the sight of them, each of them going to check them out. Mulder set his wet pack on the step and walked inside. There was a cot, a small table made from logs, a lantern, and an oval hooked rug on the floor. It would be warmer than the tent, and for that he was relieved.

Stepping out of the room, he began to unpack his bag, shaking his head at the sheer wetness of everything. His clothes inside were soaked, but they would hopefully dry soon. It was warm out and there was still a few hours of sunlight left. He laid out his clothes and reached for his sleeping bag, thankfully finding it still dry.

He put it on the cot and checked the rest of his things. His snacks and other first aid items were okay, but his notebook was wet, his inked words running together. Shaking his head, he set it down. It would be easy to redo the work, he had it memorized. Taking out his spare shoes, a pair of old flip flops, he took off his wet boots and socks, again shaking his head.

Picking up his clothes, he went to find a place to hang them to dry while the sun was still shining. His shoes … well they would hopefully dry, but he doubted it would happen by the time they journeyed back to their cars tomorrow morning.

Clothes laid out in the sun on a bush, he walked back to the fire pit where everyone had gathered. He glanced down at the empty pit, and then looked up, catching Dana’s eye, as he raised his eyebrows. She smiled and covered her mouth as she laughed softly. He grinned as he looked toward Professor Morrow.

“All right! Congratulations on making it here unscathed, well, most of us anyway,” he said, with a glance toward Mulder and everyone laughed. He shook his head and smiled. “Tonight, as well as food that we’ve brought, we’ll be gathering edible plants to add to our meal. Berries, plants, whatever you find that you’re sure is edible. So be double, even triple sure that you’re correct. We don’t want to poison our friends.” Everyone laughed again and soon headed off, each one with a container to collect items.

Mulder found himself near Dana as they walked into the woods. He could hear her humming and he smiled, happy she was enjoying herself. They spread out, foraging the bushes for food.

“How can you just walk away from me? When all I can do is watch you leave?” He heard, and turned his head to see Dana singing quietly as she cleaned a bush of its berries. “So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space. And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face …” She looked up and saw him watching her and she grinned.

“I’m a little obsessed with Phil Collins right now. Sorry to expose you to my horrible singing voice,” she said, with a laugh. He shook his head and continued gathering items.

“It’s not horrible,” he told her, his eyes downcast.

“Liar,” she called, and he looked up to see her smiling. He looked back down, smiling as he continued his work.

Fire warm and food eaten, even the items they had all collected, of which Mulder and Dana had brought in the most, everyone sat around that night laughing and talking about many things. Mulder saw Hannah speaking to Craig once again, a huge smile on his face.

Mulder glanced at Dana as she put another log onto the fire, debating whether to speak to her. As he was contemplating it, she walked over to him, standing close and crossing her arms. She glanced at him and smiled and he smiled back.

“So, we’re obviously the smartest ones in class, we definitely need to stick together from now on.” She shrugged and he laughed. They both looked at the fire and were quiet, Mulder constantly feeling tongue tied around her.

“So you —” he started to say, but was cut off by the professor telling them all to head to bed, warning of rising early in the morning. Mulder glanced at Dana again, but she was busy smothering tonight’s fire, the area they were in more heavily wooded.

“Can’t take any chances,” she said, and he began to help her. Nodding her thanks, she caught his eye, and headed to her little cabin.

Making sure the fire was completely out, he took out his flashlight, and gathered all his items from the nearby bushes he had laid them on earlier. Finding them to be relatively dry, he walked into his cabin, took off his shoes, and changed his clothes. He lit the lantern on the small table and laid down on his cot.

Sighing, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A knock sounded at his door and he sat up in surprise, his brow furrowing. Standing up and crossing to the door, he opened it to find Dana standing there, a flashlight in her hand, her long hair down, his borrowed sweatshirt pulled tightly around her, and a worried expression on her face.

“Hi,” he said simply, his surprise undoubtedly evident.

“I need you to look at something. Please,” her voice shaky and scared.

“Uhh … come in,” he told her, stepping aside to let her inside before he closed the door. She hurried past him and stood in the middle of the small room in his large sweatshirt, a pair of shorts, and her boots.

“I was changing my clothes and … I felt something, on my back. It was itchy earlier, but now it feels worse. I can’t see it and I need to know what it is. Can you look at it, please?” she stared at him and he nodded. She turned around, moved her hair, and dropped his sweatshirt down past her butt. His breath caught and he froze in place.

She was not wearing anything under the sweatshirt, clearly whatever she found, had scared her badly enough to forego extra clothing as she hurried to his room.

“Mulder? Fox? What is it?” Her worried voice snapped him into action, and he reached for the lantern, turning it up to see her back better. Stepping closer to her, he held the lantern as he knelt down. “It’s down on my lower back.”

As soon as he was close enough, he saw it- an angry looking rash covering a good sized area of her lower back. He touched it gently and she hissed and then she groaned.

“Sorry,” he said, feeling the heat even without touching it again. “Stay like that for a second.” He turned around and grabbed his backpack, rummaging around until he found the container of salve he had brought with him. “Okay, this might hurt a little bit.”

“What?” she asked, but he did not reply, instead taking two fingerfuls of the salve, and gently rubbing it across her back. “Oh my God, what is that? Mmmm, oh Mulder, that stings … ohhhh … no it feels good. What is it?” He rubbed in the salve and smiled as he listened to her finding relief from the comfort it provided.

Wiping his hands, he put the lid on the salve and stood up. He brought his sweatshirt back up her body and placed it on her shoulders. She grabbed at it and zipped it up. Letting her hair fall, she put her hands in the pockets of the sweatshirt and turned around, looking up at him.

“Seriously, what is that? And what’s on my back?” she asked, reaching for the container in his hands.

“It’s a rash, probably from a plant you touched unknowingly,” he told her, reaching in his bag again, taking out a bottle of aspirin and handing two of them to her. “It’s pretty hot and inflamed; this will help it feel better.” He handed her water from a canteen bottle he had and she took the medicine, just as a huge crack of thunder sounded, causing her to jump. A second later, rain began to fall, hard, on the tiny cabin.

“Whoa,” they said simultaneously, looking up as the rain pelted the roof from above. He looked back down at her and turned to the door, opening it and looking outside. She stepped closer to him and they watched as the rain obscured their vision beyond anything not directly in front of them.

“I … “ she started, and then stopped.

“No, you can’t,” he finished for her, knowing she was going to suggest she make a run for it. “You’d be soaked through, that salve will wash off, and you’d be in pain. Best to stay here, at least until it lets up a bit.” He closed the door and turned to find her right behind him, and his mouth went dry. The one person who seemed to short circuit his brain was now going to be sitting alone with him in a small room during a rainstorm, for the night possibly.

Her expression was unreadable as her eyes seemed to search his face. He waited until she nodded in agreement and stepped over to the bed, sat down, and took off her boots. She looked at him and he gave her a small smile as he picked up the lantern off the floor, set it on the little table after turning it down a bit, and then sat on the floor facing her, his back against the wall. They were both quiet as they listened to the heavy fall of the rain on the roof, thunder rumbling and then cracking loudly. He saw her jump again and he smiled slightly. She obviously did not like thunder.

“Tell me a story,” she said, just loud enough for him to hear her above the deluge of rain, as though she was not sure if she should be asking for something like that.

“A story? About what?” he asked, looking at her in surprise. She shrugged, looking a little embarrassed.

“I don’t know, anything, I’m not picky,” she said. “I don’t really like thunder and I thought maybe a story might take my mind off it. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” She shrugged again, looking down and touching at her back lightly over his sweatshirt. She hissed and closed her eyes.

He watched her for a second, thinking of stories that would not only interest her, but help to loosen his tongue. Leaning his head back, he knew she would not be looking for some silly fairy tale to be retold to her, and so he thought back to the science fiction and weird stories he loved to read and know more about, until he had a perfect one.

“Have you ever heard the story of the star-crossed lovers, Maurice and Lyda?” he asked, lifting his head and watching her, hoping she would say no, as he knew this story by heart. He could recite it from memory, thus making it easier to speak to her.

“The only star-crossed lovers I know of are Romeo and Juliet,” she said, shifting on the cot. He smiled and nodded as that was the case with most people.

Clearing his throat, he began his story. “Christmas, 1917, it was a time of dark, dark despair. American soldiers were dying at an ungodly rate in a war-torn Europe, while at home, a deadly strain of the flu virus attacked young and old alike,” he began, and then he forgot about her as he closed his eyes, lost in his own story. “Tragedy was a visitor on every doorstep while a creeping hopelessness set in with every man, woman. and child. It was a time of dark, dark despair.”

“You said that already,” she said, with a smirk, and he opened his eyes to find her now lying on her side facing him, leaning on her elbow, one eyebrow raised. He grinned and then chuckled.

“But,” he continued, “at 1501 Larkspur Lane, for a pair of star-crossed lovers, tragedy came not from war or pestilence, not by the boot heel or the bombardier, but by their own innocent hand.” He stared at her and waited, seeing if he could get that skeptical eyebrow to go down.

“Go on,” she said, both eyebrows going up, and he knew he had piqued her interest.

“His name was Maurice. He was a ... a brooding, but heroic young man, beloved of Lyda, a sublime beauty with a light that seemed to follow her wherever she went,” he said, waving his hands around slowly, and she laughed softly. “They were likened to two angels descended from heaven whom the gods could not protect from the horrors being visited upon this cold, grey earth.” Again he paused and stared at her, waiting to see what she would say.

“And what happened to them?”

“Well, according to legend, driven by a tragic fear of separation, they forged a lovers' pact so that they might spend eternity together and not spend one precious Christmas apart,” he said with a shrug and a half smile, his tongue loosened now from a story he had always enjoyed.

“Wait. They killed themselves?” she asked, frowning as she stared at him.

“Yeah, and supposedly their ghosts return to haunt that house every Christmas Eve,” he said, and then shivered. “I just gave myself the chills.” He stared at her with a grin and she frowned with a smile. “What?”

“Do you really believe that story?”

“I don’t know. Yeah. I mean, it’s kind of hard not to believe it when it —”

“Sounds so believable?” she cut across him, with a tone of disbelief.

“You don’t believe in ghosts?”

“Does that surprise you?”

“Well … yeah, a little. I thought everybody believed in ghosts,” he said, with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Like that slimy one in Ghostbusters?” she teased him and he shook his head.

“No, not like Ghostbusters. What a joke that movie was at portraying ghosts. They are benevolent entities … well, mostly. I have read stories of places where ghosts have done horrible things and people —” He stopped talking as he looked at the barely contained grin on her face. It spread as she tried to stop it and he saw a dimple in her cheek.

God, he was in so much trouble …

“You believe it all, don’t you?” she asked, with a huge grin.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked back, shrugging his shoulders. “I haven’t seen it disproved, so …” He shrugged again and she laughed as she shook her head. She laid down on her back, and he looked at her profile.

So much trouble …

“Umm … I should check your back again, just to be sure the salve is helping,” he said, getting up and picking up the container again as he knelt down beside the bed. She looked up at him, her eyes so blue, he knew that if she asked him to do anything, no matter how questionable, he would. “You need to turn over.”

She nodded and did as he asked. He lifted his sweatshirt over her butt and up just enough to expose her back. It was looking better already and felt cooler than earlier. Still, he would apply another layer and have her lay on her stomach for a while, let it soak in better.

“It looks better, not completely gone of course, but better than earlier. I’d say you had an allergic reaction to something. Obviously not poison oak, you would’ve been smart enough to avoid that, but at least it’s topical and nothing serious,” he said as he slowly put more salve on, both to make sure it was applied well, and because her skin was so soft, he wanted to touch it forever. She had a freckle just above the rash and he had an overwhelming desire to bend forward and kiss it.

“What is that stuff?” she asked again, her voice muffled in her arms, hissing and then moaning, as he applied it.

“It’s a homemade salve my mom has made for years. My sister and I were always getting scrapes and rashes as children and so she made this natural stuff because my sister cried with the stuff from the pharmacy,” he told her, rubbing slow circles across her back.

“What were you two doing to meet such catastrophes?”

“Well, we grew up in Chilmark, and spent a lot of time outdoors. Climbing trees, baseball games, races, playing widespread games of hide-and-seek. Inevitably, one of us would come down with some ailment and so my mother kept this on hand at all times. She called it the “Super Salve,” as we were both into superheroes then. Plus, it works really well, so …” He smiled as he thought of those days spent outside, no care for anything but being home on time for dinner. He finished applying the salve and closed the container. “Stay like that for a few minutes and let it really set in, it will help a lot.” He wiped his hands on the shirt he had worn earlier and leaned against the bed.

He heard her turn her head and he looked at her over his shoulder. “You’re a Vineyard boy, huh? And here I thought you were all right,” she said, with a twinkle in her eye and a smile on her face.

He laughed and she turned her head back, sighing as she did. “Well, whatever she puts in that, it’s like magic. Please tell your mother that I can't thank her enough. It stings for a second, but then … ohhhh …” she said in a low voice, and he was glad she had turned her head away. Her moan shot straight to his groin and he was horrified at its betrayal in such tight quarters as the rain fell down, preventing any chance of escape.

“Tell me more about your family,” she said and he smiled, thankful for the distraction.

“I have a sister, she’s twenty-one. Parents still married, still live in Chilmark. My sister is living in Europe with some friends right now, for “life experience” as she calls it,” he said, looking down at the floor.

“A single trip to Amsterdam ought to take care of that for her,” she said, and he laughed.

“You seem awfully ... normal for growing up on the Vineyard, if you don’t mind me saying,” she said, once again turning to look at him. He raised his eyebrows at her and she smiled.

“What exactly are you implying, Dana?” he asked with a smile. She stared at him, her face serious and then she smiled softly.

“I think that’s the first time I've ever heard you say my name,” she said quietly. “In this class or the last one we had together.” He stared at her and he knew she was correct. He had been nervous to speak to her, in both classes, and now he was seeing how ridiculous that was to do. Besides being smart and beautiful, she was easy to talk to, and funny.

“Yeah, I … uh … I’m not really a … I don’t hang out with many people and I don’t really engage in many conversations,” he said, and she nodded.

“I don’t like it.” She shook her head and he frowned. “You saying that name, I mean. I just think that if you insist on being called Mulder, you should call me … Scully.” She shrugged and he stared at her, trying to decide if she was teasing him. She smiled and he knew she meant it.

“Okay … Scully,” he said, and she grinned wider. He smiled back and she nodded.

“Scully. I like it.” She smiled, and he cleared his throat, looking down at the floor. “And to answer your question, Mulder, I wasn’t really implying anything about Vineyard people. I was just teasing.”

“I know … Scully,” he said, looking up at her and she smiled at him again. “I know what people think about those of us on the Vineyard and I understand. My family does belong to a country club, I went to cotillions when I was younger, and my sister was even a debutante, but only because my mother insisted on it. My sister didn’t want to do it, and in fact, the night of the ball, she left about halfway through, changed out of her ridiculous dress and gloves, and came back in jeans, a Rolling Stones t-shirt, and black Converse high tops. My mother was nearly apoplectic, but my sister just shrugged and kept dancing.”

“I like her. She sounds like someone I’d like to know,” Dana laughed, and he nodded and smiled. Samantha was definitely someone he could see her befriending.

“What about your family?” he asked, and she shook her head, moving to lay on her side, facing him, but keeping his sweatshirt up above her rash.

“I’m not terribly interesting,” she said, waving him away. He stared at her as she licked her lips, biting the bottom one, and he wished he could taste them. “My parents are married, my father is in the Navy. We’ve lived in a lot of places, but have been here for the longest length of time. My older brother is also in the Navy and he’s stationed in Germany. My younger brother is starting college this coming year. I have an older sister, but I don’t really know where she is right now. She’s kind of flighty and the last time I heard from her, she was in Colorado. I think she was anyway. She’s always on the move, ‘following the wind and the sun,’ she says.” She paused and sighed. He looked at her again and she shook her head.

“What?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed, looking down. “I’m still not completely sure what I want to do with my life. I have always loved science and pursuing answers that are not readily available. But I know that’s not a field most women enter into, as if it’s odd a woman would find science interesting.”

“Pssh!” Mulder said forcefully. “It’s incredibly hot and sexy when women are interested in science.” Realizing what he said, his face became flushed, and he fell silent as he chanced a glance at her. She smiled, her own cheeks pink, as she looked down. Thunder cracked again and this time he jumped.

They were quiet for a few minutes and she sighed again. “I just wish that I was more like my sister sometimes. She’s not afraid to do anything. To just up and leave, follow her passion, live in a cabin with some guy she just met and make jewelry to sell at swap meets. She’s flighty, yes, but she’s also passionate and caring, and doesn’t care how she’s perceived. She’s ballsy and tough, despite her hippie outward appearance.” She fell silent and he looked at her, wanting to tell her she was all of that and more, but he worried it would scare her, so he tried a different tactic.

“Every person is given the personality that’s right for them,” he said, looking at the wall across the room. “We see in others what we imagine we are lacking, and yet it’s there, just perhaps not right at the surface. Every person is exactly who they are meant to be.”

“Wow, you and my sister would get along really well,” she told him with a quiet laugh. “Dare I say, even make a good couple.”

“Hmm, what’s her stance on science?” he asked, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

“The whole idea of it?” she laughed. “I wouldn’t say she’s against it, but she’s more prone to believe in the healing power of crystals than modern medicine.”

“Oh, well, then I'm sorry, I’m gonna have to pass. A firm grasp in the belief of science is high on my list. I’d put it at top five, easily,” he said, turning his head to find her staring at him. She did not blink for a few seconds, holding his stare, until thunder cracked again, and she jumped.

“It’s late,” he said quietly. “You should try to get some sleep. Is your back feeling better?” She nodded, staring at him again, as she pulled his sweatshirt down and covered her back. She got inside the sleeping bag, glanced at him once more, and then turned toward the wall.

“Good night, Mulder,” she said softly.

“Good night … Scully,” he replied with a smile, shifting until he was lying on his back on the floor, his arm behind his head, listening to the rain falling unrelentingly on the roof. A few minutes later, he heard her soft breathing and he smiled again, as he himself fell asleep.

________________

Mulder woke early, wanting to be sure Dana was out of his cabin and back in her own, before anyone else was up and about. No need for anyone to suspect anything, especially as it pertained to her.

She walked to her cabin, slipping in the mud a bit, as she arrived at her door. She turned and looked at him as she walked inside, an odd expression on her face. He hoped it was not one of regret or worry over what they had shared last night. Then just as the door was about to close, she poked her head out and smiled at him, and his heart pounded wildly against his rib cage.

The campsite was a muddy wet mess that morning. No chance for the warmth of a fire, as the fire pit was full of water, and every piece of wood in the forest was wet regardless.

Once everyone was up, and that discovery was made, the grumbling began. Foul moods abounded, but Mulder was not fazed by any of them. He could not stop grinning, remembering Dana’s laugh and the beautiful blue of her eyes.

He saw her speaking to Professor Morrow, showing him her back, though not in the same manner she had to him last night. He could not hear them speaking, but the professor glanced his way and nodded, telling him without words that he had done the right thing.

Bags packed and everything ready, they began the long hike back down. The weather made it harder, but they were meant to be back that day, so everyone kept a steady pace. As the car park came into view, Kyle slipped and fell, much to everyone’s amusement. Covered in mud, he swore and yelled, trying to wipe himself clean, and failing.

Gathering by all the cars, Professor Morrow reminded them to finish their workbooks and to write a 2,000 word essay about the weekend and what they experienced. Some groaned and others grinned. Mulder saw Dana smile softly and he wondered what she was thinking about.

People began to leave and soon it was just a few of them. Dana walked over to him, his sweatshirt in her hands, and a smile on her face. He stared at her, feeling Hannah’s eyes on them, making him feel awkward.

“Thank you for the use of your sweatshirt, Fox … Mulder.” She handed it to him and he took it, laying it over his arm.

“You’re welcome, Dana … Scully,” he said and she grinned. They stared at each other, and the desire to kiss her was stronger than anything he had ever felt. Her eyes flicked to his lips and his mouth went dry. Looking back into his eyes, they continued to stand there, staring at one another.

“Dana! Come on, let’s go!” Hannah called from across the car park, causing Mulder to jump, and Dana to sigh.

“Okay,” she called back, looking at her over her shoulder. She looked back at Mulder and smiled sadly. “See you in class.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly, feeling deflated and low. “See you in class.” She stared at him, waiting, and he stepped back with his head down. He heard her sigh again and then the crunch of her boots on the gravel of the car park.

Looking up, he watched them drive away and felt like a complete fool. “You are such an idiot. So stupid.” He threw his backpack in the backseat and then got in the car, heading for his little apartment off campus, berating himself the whole way, knowing he had completely missed his chance.

Arriving home, he went around back and sat on his porch, dumping out his backpack, making sure no little creatures had hitched a ride home. He looked through everything, made piles of things to put away and to be washed. He looked at his sweatshirt and shook his head. Dana’s naked body had been inside it, but he still needed to wash it.

Taking off everything but his undershirt and shorts, he walked barefoot to the front door and unlocked it. Coming through his small one bedroom apartment, he opened the back door and began to bring things inside. Once that was done, he stripped, tossing his clothes outside, and took a shower.

Changed and feeling better physically, but still like an idiot, he scooped up his pile of clothes from outside, grabbed the laundry soap and some quarters, and headed to the laundry room. He opened the lid, added the quarters, and started to put his clothes inside. Taking the time to go through his pockets, he found a rock and some small pieces of dried leaves, which he threw away.

His sweatshirt was last, and he sighed as he reached inside the pockets, and frowned as he touched something. Taking it out, he saw it was a folded piece of paper. Opening it, he grinned and then laughed as he read the words written on the page.

How could you just let me walk away? Just let me leave without a trace?

Scully

(301) 555-0134

P.S. I’m working on those hidden personality traits.

He threw the sweatshirt in the wash, dumped in the soap, closed the lid, pushed in the quarter tray, and ran upstairs. Slamming the door, he grabbed the phone and dialed her number. His heart pounding, breath ragged, he waited. Two rings and then her voice made him stop moving.

“Scully.”

“Hey, Scully, it’s me.” He grinned as he moved again and walked to the couch, flopping down on it.

“Well, it’s about damn time, Mulder,” she teased.

“I’m inclined to agree.” He laughed, sitting forward and shaking his head. She joined his laughter and then they fell silent. His heart began pounding, but if she had been braver than usual, then he could be too. “I … I wanted to kiss you.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “Me, too.” The honesty they expressed, left him tongue tied once again. Just hearing her voice in his ear made his body feel warm.

“So, Mulder … do you suppose that house on Larkspur Lane is haunted only on Christmas? Surely it could do with a scientific investigation, just to see,” she said, and he could hear her smile. He sat back with a grin, ready to discuss haunted houses, or any other damn thing she wanted.

For the next ten minutes, an hour, or for the rest of his life.

[bonesthebeloved]

Sharp edges evened out

Squick/trigger warning: f and r slur, bullying, blood mention, swearing.

@lance-alt Remus is baby and Roman is a badass who said fuck gender. Also Remus had two rats because I love him and I love rats. That's all.

Don't tag with Remrom, tw for a character or Dukedontlook or I will consume your kneecaps. (hope you like it Lance. I wanted fluff today)

-

"Hey spaz!"

It didn't bother him. It really didn't.

"I'm talking to you retard. You deaf too?"

It didn't. So why was he holding onto the black rock in his pocket so tightly that the sharp edges cut into his hand slightly making him clench his teeth and walk a little faster down the hallway.

He had a free period and had been heading towards the kantine.

The problem here was that the kids that bullied him had one too. And that the kantine was empty. And that his brother wasn't here because he had artclass. And that and that and that and-

"I'm talking to you!" was the only warning he got before being pushed. Stumbling a few steps forward but not falling just yet.

The sudden movement had the rock slide against his hand in just the wrong way. He could feel the wetness of the blood that was slowly trickling out of the cut when he closed his hand into a fist in the pocket of his hoodie.

Mom was going to be mad at him for staining his hoodie again.

She'd be so upset.

She might even start yelling.

She- "can you act normal for once in your fucking life spaz? Or do we have to punch some sense into you?"

They wouldn't. They'd never gone that far and Remus knew they'd never cross that line. Still though, it caused him to stumble back again, eyes flickering to each of the boys standing infront of him for only a moment before focusing on the floor again.

That was all the encouragement they needed though.

"Aw he's scared. Are you scared spaz?"

Remus wanted to shake his head. But his body wasn't responding to his demands today so he just kept still. Standing in the middle of the kantine, watching as the three kids sitting a few tables away from him all put their earbuds in and focused on their paper. Watching as the girl reading a book about butterflies got to her feet and walked towards the bathroom.

Why wasn't Roman here?

He'd bled through his sweater. A deep red stain on the dark green fabric painting it a brownish colour. The patch in the form of a fruitfly that he'd sewn on the hoodie on that exact spot months ago turning from white with black lines to bloodred.

It would've looked cool were it not for the bullies noticing and laughing at him.

"You hurt yourself spaz? Is your life so miserable that you're trying to end it, is that what it is?"

They thought he had-oh.

Well he'd never do that. It would upset his brother and his mom would be furious because he'd stain all his hoodies. He'd ruin the tattoo he'd just gotten on his forearm of his pet snake that had died recently if he were to- no he'd never do that.

But they didn't know that. And he didn't think they'd care either way when the one that was the most talkative stepped closer. Uncomfortably close. So close Remus could almost hear his heart beat if he'd kept his mouth shut.

"By all means go ahead spaz. You'd be doing the world a favour."

He should've expected that really. The buildup had been hinting at the subject being brought up and the kid just kept trying to find new ways to get to him.

It didn't though. He knew his death would make an impact.

Who else would feed his boys then?

"Bet that fag of a brother of yours would be real grateful too. Not having to worry about your pathetic ass ever again."

Remus just nodded. Maybe Roman would be happy. If not that then he'd at the very least not cry at his funeral.

But Remus refused to listen to them any further. His rats needed him. Duke and Dee would die or get healthissues if he was gone because his mom or brother just didn't know how much food to give them or what type would be the best for them.

So he hummed in vague acknowledgement and walked away from the three boys. Ignoring the shouts behind him when he walked to the bathroom.

"Hope I won't see you at school tomorrow spaz!"

When Remus got home he went to his room. Thoughts lazerfocused on his room and not on what the boy had said. Not on how they wouldn't miss him. Not on-. Not answering when his brother shouted his welcome from the kitchen. Hand clasped around the rock in his pocket. The thing pressing into his cut open palm and the dried up blood flaking off of it slightly.

"Hey Duke, hey Dee . How was your day?"

As soon as he'd opened the cage the two rats were scurrying to get to him. Duke climbing onto his hoodie sleeve while Dee went into his pocket to sniff around.

"Dee, get out of there you'll get dirty." he laughed, putting his hand back into the pocket and carefully picking up the black and white rat to manoeuvre him out of the hoodie.

When he had taken him out Dee's fur was partly tinted red and he had the rock in his mouth.

"Ah shit. Come on bud, bathtime."

And after carefully removing the rock from the rats mouth and putting him in his hood together with Duke, Remus went to the bathroom.

Atleast, that was the plan, had his brother not stood in the middle of the hallway with his arms crossed.

Remus still had the rock in his hand. His hoodie chocking him lightly from the weight of the rats. And Roman looked worried.

"What's wrong with your hand Re?"

"Accidentally cut it."

"How?"

"Got pushed."

"Who?"

Remus should really start applying that filter Roman was always complaining he didn't have. But he saw no harm in telling his brother. This wasn't the worst the boys had done to him and he doubted that Roman cared enough as it was for him to take action.

So he told him their names. And he watched as his brother got angry. And he really shouldn't look as scary as he did in the summer dress he was wearing. Nails painted as red as the blood on his brother's hand and Dee's fur and winged eyeliner so sharp it could cut a man. Roman looked livid.

Remus didn't expect the hug that came after.

"If somebody ever hurts you Re, you tell me okay? I'm here for you little bro." "You're 12 minutes older than me." "Shh just let me be the protective older brother for once."

And when Roman didn't get mad that Remus had gotten blood on his pure white summer dress Remus realised that his brother might actually cry when he'd have to go to his funeral.

And when he'd prepared the bucket and watched the rats splash around in the water, Dee leaving a trail of light pink when he ran to jump onto Duke who looked like a little black mop and start a play fight, he realised that showing up to school the next day wouldn't be so bad.

And when he and Roman walked into school the next day, Roman in a white summer dress with a pink stain on the back and Remus with a bandage around his hand and a rock in his hoodie pocket that had no sharp edges because his brother had helped to polish it the night before, he realised that even though bullies would always be there to try and sharpen his edges and even though Romans nail polish had chipped from trying to wash the stain out of his dress, the two of them would be alright together.

I didn't proofread or spellcheck this so I'm sorry in advance

[lornahansonforbes]

Prologue

If you’re reading this today, then you know I’m dead, dead to you as you are to me, and that should make you so very happy.

I gave it all up sitting at a red light.

This last piece is the final chapter of “The Emesis Tray of Feelings,” it’s a trilogy.

The trilogy contains one play, “Hot Neon Lights” and “Patina on the Edge,” which is a series of monologues and now this, “It Didn’t Happen,” a one act play.

The first installment, “Hot Neon Lights,” tells the story of two events. Act One is a very messy breakdown followed by the fourth and final attempt of my taking my own life. I failed four times. Act Two is about six to weeks later and the family meeting with the psychiatrist where they decide if I should be locked up in hospital or go cold Turkey. There was no option, no Grey area, only black and white.

“Patina on the Edge,” is a series of monologues that highlights moments of grand and glorious to being a homeless junkie who was sucking dick, meanwhile being a thief and a shitkicker was a great way to being truly infamous. Lofty goals. It parallels the story that’s laid out in “Hot Neon Lights.”

“It Didn’t Happen.” is a one act play with four scenes. Scene one, the night of the breakup and a month after the breakup. Scene two, a phone call about the breakup. Scene three, a group of friends who just saw the two aforementioned plays and are in a bar talking about what The New York Times will say about “Hot Neon Lights” and “Patina on the Edge.”

As you read this, do know that this is like Ivory Soap, ninety-nine and forty-four one hundredth percent (99 44/100%) true.

Several people have been merged into one character and not vice versa.

You should know that I died alone and bitter that I was never truly loved by anyone except by my dogs, Zoey, Chase, Auggie, The Brother Levi, CoCo and Harry; and my three cats, Rasselas, Othello and Belle Kitty.

I sadly cannot think of one person, past or present, who ever truly loved me.

I suffered with Bipolar Depression and Anxiety for a large portion of my life. The three guys who I stupidly referred to as my boyfriend, I see now that they barely tolerated me as did my family.

I don’t give a shit. You and whomever can say what you want about me and pepper it generously with Drama Qween. You do know that but I can only tell you what my perception was and how I saw things, but as usual, you’re right and I’m wrong. Fuck you, your opinion is paying for my funeral and you had the option not to read this.

Lastly, all the things I’ve written starting in the 1980’s and in between has been thrown out and erased etc. Yeppers. All gone. I kept it all but as of this entry, I threw it all out.

Since I’ve submitted to various outlets and people yet only to learn I’ve been ignored.

But you can find me on Tumblr and not on Tinder. Good luck with that.

Post Script:

I’ve told stories about how I lived and how I overcame. “You should write a book.” Motherfucker, don’t play with me. You ain’t gonna fucking read it. Why even bother existing? I’m done. If you really want to know, actually pick up the phone and call me. Bye, Felicia.

I forgot to tell you that someone asked me not to give up writing. Sorry but I’m not gonna change my mind about cutting off my nose to spite myself.

Scene One

The late summer sun was slowly going down as we approached the corner of Melrose and North Robertson.

Granted it was nearly 8:00 PM, the sun was still blazing away. I turned to look from the passenger seat to see people milling about waiting to go inside but also the paparazzi was there gawking and snapping pictures.

She slowed the car down for just a millisecond and then took a sharp left turn. Then Sister Mary of the Perpetual Parking Spot smiled down upon us and she pulled in and parked the car.

The restaurant sign read Ty’s Thai Tie Dye, an Indochina Conglomerate. We went inside and were seated way in the back. It was a jungle, flowers, potted trees and Passion Flower vines everywhere. The sun broke through like mosaic tiles.

Dinner was delicious and uneventful. She was now pulling up in front of my modest flat.

“Darling, I’m sure we’ve had a wonderful evening but I feel that my husband is all over us these past few weeks. I’m just so sick and tired of seeing his Gold Audi here and there every time we go out. Why can’t we agree to disagree with the fact that I’m who I am and you are you we aren’t able to carry on like this anymore. I know that I should break it to you gently, but let’s rip the fucking Band-Aid off, it’s over. Don’t speak. Let’s go our separate ways with our splendiferous memories and as the cliché states, when you do speak of me, be kind,” she blurted out without looking at me.

It took me a moment and then I watched her Black Jaguar Vandam Plas glide away and disappear. Nearly comatose, I fumbled for my keys and took those first tentative steps towards the front door. I saw my cat in the window and her deep gold eyes. We looked directly at each other. I got in my car only to pound the steering wheel with tears in my eyes.

“You ungrateful bitch,” I screamed so loud that my ears were ringing worse than being a rock concert.

I drove into the night with flashes of our tongues lashing about like in some porn as we tore our clothes off each other. She was moist. My turgidity.

I landed at Pfeiffer Beach and I saw a Sandpiper. Fuck my life. The sound of the crashing waves and the sun rising. Stumbling back to my car I spied that CHP had paid a visit with a bright orange parking ticket tucked neatly underneath the wiper blades. God damn it to hell.

When I turned the car over, the radio was blaring, some static but nonetheless it jangled my nerves.

“Now, I am strong enough. Now, I’m strong enough to accept change. Yes, my darling, if you want to live in another place, I can understand it. It’ gonna hurt for a little while, but I can understand it, but before you walk out that door, touch me in the morning,” this woman’s anger and hurt were front and center. We were simpatico at that moment. We were both in a world of hurt and she like me, we were not feeling it.

I tapped a button on my car radio and my playlist replaced her voice as I pulled into traffic on Route 1 South heading home leaving Pfeiffer Beach in my rear view mirror.

Whoever that female voice was previously on my radio, I felt like Kathy Bates and I was swinging that sledgehammer and I left her there to suffer.

Normally I’m not that guy who “gets in touch with their feelings.” It’s just not in my DNA and when I do “get in touch,” it’ll be like a Gatling gun. Crumpled up like a wad of paper, riddled with bullets and left to die gasping for breath in a pool of blood.

This morning I got up and was meandering around my neighborhood. I have absolutely no idea how it happened but I stopped into a local coffee shop and got a Chai Latte. I usually get a green juice with pomegranate and Acai.

I was in a deep, deep funk since I had dinner with my friend and she dumped me. Who was she to me? My girlfriend; friend with benefits: fuck buddy; mistress or just another conquest? Whatever it was, it was good and it lasted but it wasn’t like this hadn’t happened before and so this came to pass and now in my mind I heard Louis Prima singing, “…everywhere I go.” If I really wanted to hear that song, I’d rather find the David Lee Roth remake.

Apparently I got my steps in this morning without some contraption attached to me or some app on my phone. I plunked my narrow behind down on a concrete Jersey barrier and I looking at the waves crashing onto Dockweller Beach. I know it’s not Malibu Beach just a short drive North and it certainly wasn’t Malibu Beach in Boston. From that vantage point, you’ll see the highway and Sister Corita Kent’s artwork in the distance.

Seriously what the fuck, yo? Processing, tabulating, analyzing, and parsing the events of being dumped. I know I saw the data, but what did it reveal? Was it actually that simple or was I looking at the galley’s for the unabridged Cyrillic version of Tolstoy’s tome with copious notes in the margins. Could I decipher The Daily Jumble? Was I looking at some foreign language? Was I experiencing some sort of dyslexia? Sigh! Could I really clean this mess with a piece of used snotty paper?

I’m solving Pi!! Yeah, yeah!! That’s the ticket!!

I clenched my hand around my paper cup and almost spilled my Chai latte. I was fucking pissed.

“Ungrateful BITCH,” that right I said it and I said it with such furious anger venom was dripping of my fangs.

What a difference a day makes. Bull-fucking-shit. Something felt dissimilar yet had I seen the same thing from a different vantage point?

At that exact moment I heard one of those thumper cars approaching blaring something I didn’t understand  anything but I did hear, “Baile, baile con El General” and just like that the car was gone. Was Joy Division only for headphones? This is Los Angeles not Colby College.

Perched on the Jersey barrier, I wasn’t contemplating why lint gets in my navel.  I couldn’t dodge raindrops. Had I tabled my ego? Were my expectations quickly quieted? Was it like that thumper car; was I blaring or amplifying some sort of acceptance of defeat? The hounds had been released at the same time as I gave up my control? I can be that Type-A personality, driven and getting in touch with my feeling resided in an abyss somewhere, but the fuck if I know.

I felt dampness. Where am I now? Am I on the Maid of the Mist or standing underneath Niagara Falls? God damn it to hell!! I was crying. I normally don’t do that. I clenched my jaw so tightly I had TMJ.

“Mission Accomplished,” I think was actually the last time I did cry, but that was for my furry friends, Mickey & Minnie and then it was Stanley & Blanche. Do I get ahold of the anger in me? What the fuck? Maybe a word, a smile, an hour of happiness? NETX??!! I picked up my phone. I scrolled through my contacts. In a parallel universe, I called you a thousand times when I know I did not and I never will call you.

A boisterous and vociferous colony of seagulls appeared just a few yards away from me. Fuck. Hitchcock.

My paper cup is empty. I knew I had to dispose of it. Recycle, reuse, repurpose or like this affair, would it end up in a landfill? Just another thing to be unceremoniously and recklessly tossed away. It’s just a thing.

With a great exasperated sigh, eight months, two weeks and a day. That’s how long it lasted without me actually keeping track of it. Don’t go there. Don’t judge me. Men and women silently judge me and you but I can only assume they leave something on me so I don’t catch cold. Oh, shit. We had seen other naked. She fucking hurt me. Okay, I’m not that person, who’d scrawl, No Sale, on a mirror if I found a check and a note that read, “Last night was dope.”

My phone beeped, a text message letting me know I had to drive to Pacoima.

Gotta bounce. Later. Onto embrace the new challenges ahead and channel them into existence.

Scene Two

Part Three.

A Hello, bleep.

B How did you know it was me?

A I’ve known for a long time and plus it’s out there.

B Why did you say that?

A What did I say exactly?

B Don’t give me that bullshit. I saw it.

A I told you about how I felt but then I felt around in the dark and I didn’t know how that single cell actually started to feel like encouragement.

B What I said was to do it for yourself and not me.

A I did it for you first and then afterwards I got to me.

B You took more than you should have and you took it to another place. Also that’s not how it went down.

A It’s how some people work. As I told before, give me a thing to work with and I can easily create from there.

B I only told you about a sixteenth of what happened.

A But that was enough for me and those three sentences told me everything I needed to know. Fuck bleep, I told you recently about my Bipolar Depression and how I grapple with it hour by hour and mostly by myself with no assistance or guidance from anyone.

B I appreciate that and your candor but it makes me crazy. But fuck bleep, I know how mentally exhausted some people feel being in your orbit.

A Bleep, dude, we’re trying to get to that place in the day where we can say, I’m still here. First we get out of bed unassisted and the rest is gravy.

B Why such labels? I mean I know most of the names but you know I’m a tee shirt and jeans.

A Without inferring or intimating the slightest thing, I had a good feeling that who she is and most likely she has her own money but she doesn’t dismiss her husband’s money.

B I have my own money too but I’m not going to be seen eating on North Robertson.

A Possibly I’d see you at one place on Melrose or on Alameda and they’re not that far from where I put you. Then again, there’s a place around the way and you can walk there. I pay attention to things like that ever since I saw Russell Simmons ex wife Creamora eating at raw restaurant in LA a few years ago.

B Wow. How did find that out?

A She had a reality show and they showed her eating there and as a woman of color, she nearly lost her mind. One of things they served was a pizza but it wasn’t a New York pepperoni pizza all hot and gooey with cheese. I yelled at the TV, Gurl, I’ll take a slice. I’m in.

B Wait a minute, bleep. You told me you have issues with food.

A I do but sometimes I’ve got to throw caution to the wind and suffer with each delicious bite.

B So that’s why you fabricated that restaurant.

A Well, kinda sorta. When I was in LA, I found a great little Thai place a few blocks away from The Dolby and if I remembered the name I would’ve told you about it. They’ve got some amazing vegan options.

B This is one of the things I find about you, you know some of the most trivial things and it’s fucking scary.

A Bleep, I just hope I don’t actually lose my mind. I’d hope that you or someone else would put me down if dementia or Alzheimer’s effected me.

B Don’t say that. I sometimes like it when you remember what happened way back when.

A I’m not sure what’s going to happen but I’m still here regardless.

B I’ve got to ask why you said I cried.

A Bleep, you are but one of many Taurus men I know and if they do actually cry, it’ll be in the shower and they’d never admit to knowing how to cry. They might well up with tears but never cry in front of anyone ever.

B That’s fucked up.

A Taurus men do write but never about their feelings nor do they own a diary or journal. If that April born man exists who shares their feelings, they are a very rare breed of man.

B Well writing isn’t my thing.

A You sound exhausted.

B I had to compose myself and all the while I cursed your name.

A Oh it’s because I hit a nerve?

B You’re the last person I’d ever, of course, I think of to wax philosophic and then admit it to someone else let alone admit it to myself.

A Bleep, motherfucker, I’m completely aware and yet I’m not living under the delusion by pining away waiting for you to ask.

B No, it’s not that but does fall in the same zip code and then I used one word, empath. You dug as deep as you could and I’m like, fuck, man, I’m on the phone with you.

A Bleep. Bleep. I’ve known ever since your old EarthLink email and I never and I wouldn’t unless you asked. I told you before I see things that I don’t necessarily understand and with each message, I just end up seeing something.

B I gathered as much. There’s my Nou-Nou. Come up. It’s okay. Come on, Nou-Nou. Move your lard ass, Janx. There you go. All better. Rumple, not a word. You stay right there and let Nou-Nou get some.

A The kittehs!!

B Don’t distract. I’m not sure if you have a malignant will or you gave me something to think about.

A I can’t apologize more. I’m truly very sorry. I riffed on an idea and here we are.

B Life isn’t over as you think of it just because you’re alive. There’s more.

A That’s why I told you that I wouldn’t write again. Stirred the pot.

B You’re a dick.

A And your point is? A cunt? I’m The Dowager Empress and that’s all there is to that.

B You’re so full of shit.

A We’re not going to snap at each other like two terriers.

B Is this what we’ve been reduced to? Bickering just for arguments sake?

A You’re the one with the brown eyes, so you could possibly be full of shit. I’ve got green eyes, pea green with jealousy.

B You said some shit and it hit me. What’s that thing you usually say? Oh yeah, it’s a punch in the face you can’t take back.

A Bleep, dude. Most people want that moment in life where someone grabs ahold of you and pleads with you not to leave. It’s been played out in the movies, but not in our lives, right? I don’t know the life you led but I’ve had three boyfriends and each one of them dumped me. I’ve cried and played all the sad songs. You could have possibly done the same thing but let’s face it fucking Cher said it best, we all sleep alone.

B Whitney clapped back and said I’d rather be alone than be unhappy.

A True. But I had the near perfect relationship with The Beast. More than 40 years together. We both had separate lives and we were celibate lovers. We had each other’s back we did everything for love but we never did that. I knew that he wasn’t some Sir Galahad to love from afar, motherfucker was two legged boa constrictor. I’m okay with dying alone and unloved.

B That’s really a fucking bleak future. Well insert a happy go-lucky cliché here followed by Shady Pines. I can’t with you, bleep.

A I know that we’re estranged but don’t divorce me or fire me just yet.

B Okay.

-The curtain comes down and the audience breaks out in an uproar of applause and cheers-

Scene Three

E What was that we just watched?

CI wish I knew.

E 90 minutes of a conversation that never happened?

D Clearly you’ve missed the point of it. Two guys who knew each other since high school and they meet up years later. One guy had a bad break up and the other guy was now, as he said, a widower.

C Excuse me?

E Yeah excuse me. I don’t see it. Okay high school is one thing but forty years later, they’re talking like that?

D Okay let’s go for a quick pop at The Stone and we’ll go home afterwards.

E Which stone?

C I think that the closest one is Rosetta.

D No. That’s by Park Avenue. I think this one is Killarney but is it Kilkerry? Fuck. It’s right here at 8th Avenue.

C Don’t make thing of it but look over getting of that cab, Miles Silverberg.

E I know that name.

D Murphy Brown.

C It is him. Not bad looking but not my type.

D Bitch, your type is anyone who can make the letter O.

C You should talk. You’re still paying off that asbestos abatement from the last one.

D The two of you are practically virgins again, but then again Father Frank doesn’t give confessionals.

C/E Fuck you.

D Oh look, we’re here.

E I’ve always wondered exactly how many bars in Manhattan are actually Irish bars.

C Probably a few but I’m not sure. There’s only one Blarney Stone and I think it’s in Lower Manhattan not here in Midtown. I’m thinking that anything above 23rd Street is either owned by The Vara or Lyons’ Brothers.

E Damn.

D Hello, Merrick. We like a bottle of your best Shiraz and three glasses. We’ll be over here. Thank you. Yes, Merrick, yes you’re all that but put a ring on it.

E Why won’t you just fuck him and get it over with?

D We like this game. We just love to flirt with each other. No harm, no foul.

C She’s been playing with Merrick for years and he loves the attention.

E I wonder what The Times says tomorrow.

D This is the the last chapter of the trilogy. Uh…

C First was Hot Neon Lights, second was Patina on the Edge and now, It Didn’t Happen.

D I can’t get it out of my head that one scene with the mother fighting with the dad. She was so mad at him, she put out a cigarette in her hand.

C Oh fuck yeah, that was fucking brutal.

E Can someone get that mad?

D She’s his mother and momma bear wasn’t having it.

C True but I’m not sure about the pretentious names. Trenton Burroughs English and Daniel Charles Snyder. But you know what? They’re actual people. I found out that Trenton is some how many times removed from the Queen of Norway and Daniel is a surgeon with Doctors Without Borders. AND the most fucked up thing is that they don’t know each and have never met.

D You know what’s even more fucked up than? There’s an actual family here on the social register here in New York with the last name, Frankenstein. Google that.

E Thank you, Merrick. Ladies, a toast?

C Yes please and don’t be stingy.

D Miss Thing, leave some for the rest of us.

ALL 3 Cheers! Give my regards to Broadway!!

E Hot Neon Lights was excellent, though I thought the two fantasy moments were beyond me.

D Why?

E Is that what you’d expect from dropping a hit of acid?

C Not all the time. It’s different from person to person. I did it once and I had goosebumps most of the time and I saw these white penny tiles dance like waves and I was surfing.

D I went to see a midnight showing of Eraserhead in college and I hate that fucking movie. Sigh. I cringe whenever I hear, Eraserhead is dead. I wanna punch someone in the face.

E Damn and I said I was traumatized by seeing Gina Gershon’s pubic hair in Killer Joe. I’m sorry but on the silver screen in a crowded theater. I shudder to think.

C A straight guy cringing at the mound of Venus? What happened? Did you see your mother in the shower?

E It’s not that deep. My face is one thing but on a forty-foot screen? Shit was scary.

D Yeah that is unforgettable. Besides that, was the movie any good?

E I don’t know. I mean William Friedkin directed The Exorcist. Both are going to fuck with your head, period.

D Oh yeah he did but what was really fucked up was in Patina on the Edge when he told us how his father and stepmother thought that they were watching his life story on the silver screen.

C What fucked with my head with my head was when he told us that he actually went to M Street and those stairs. I saw the picture and it was daytime and the caption read, Here laid Father Merrin’s body. Regan MacNeil astro-projected his priestly self right out the window. Rest in Power, Mercedes McCambridge.

E What?

C Yeah. Gimme a second.

D You’re obsessed much?

C I couldn’t believe it myself and I took a screenshot. Look.

E Damn. That’s really fucked up. Here.

D Oh my God! That is fucked up.

C I know reality stranger than fiction.

E It wasn’t science fiction or was it tonight?

D Whatever it was, it was some great writing. He can tell a story.

C What did you get out of it?

E I’m thinking that after seeing Hot Neon Lights, Patina on the Edge and tonight’s It Didn’t Happen, I think they should have a face to face and make a decision if they’re going to be actual friends and figure out if they want to be celibate lovers and in a platonic marriage.

D Fuck that bullshit. It’s obvious that they are actually going to have a contentious relationship and they’re not going to find each other sitting together chatting it up in Shady Pines. The only thing that they can have is a hidden mutual respect for each other and the rest of us can only imagine that since neither one of them will admit to anything. He’s a whore and he’s a prude. They don’t know what they want, but can they be friends in any iteration of the meaning. We’ll never know.

C Well…unrequited love can keep you going. Okay I’ve got unrequited love too but I see mine as that song, All American Boy by Steve Grand. I just love that song and I’m obsessed with the media calling it Brokeback Breakout and he’s like the Gay Cowboy. That’s really a bad cliché but it’s even worse to know that not every fag wants to suck the quarterback’s dick. Yeah let that big man on campus get a pot belly and go bald, and at the 40th high school reunion you’re still in a size seven like me and what’s even worse is that all the girls want to kill me.

D Do let me know when old and bitter arrives.

E Oh c’mon. It can’t be all that bad. You’re supposed to live off a compliment for two weeks, but I always hope for the best. I mean I like my family and we all get along.

C Well how nice for you but I doubt it. It’s like Homer isn’t going to strangle Bart for the umpteenth time.

E Back to the other moment in Hot Neon Lights, what was up with that Diana Ross scene?

D That was explained in Patina.

C Yeah. He went to the Diana Ross Live at Caesar’s Palace show on two hits of mescaline but I think the point was like she said, I am and I’m going to be.

D Powerful.

E Didn’t he also explain how he could actually touch the guy on the flying trapeze at the circus. Apparently he likes dropping acid.

C Patina had that whole conversation about “Gee whiz. Boy I was drunk last night.”

D Yeah it was consensual but I’m not sure if they were that drunk or that high.

E I know right but he did fuck that girl after an eight ball.

C Oh yes! He was up to THANGS!!

D Indeed he was but that failed threesome was even funnier.

E Give the guy a break. I’m not sure if he wanted to fuck the husband in front of his wife or fuck the wife as the husband was going to fuck him.

C YES!! The bamboo chair hanging from the ceiling. If I was in that same situation I have no idea how to proceed.

E True, true, but I’m glad he told us from the jump, we’d never believe it actually happened. My mind hurts.

D Look gentlemen, the bottle is empty and we all have to go to work in a few hours. Let’s table this for the next time. Until then.

E Okay but it’s Romeo & Juliet with social media at The Public.

C That’s got to be something else. We’ll text after we read the review in The Times.

ALL 3 Good night, Merrick!!

[haledamage]

3, 6, 7, 14, 20, 24 for Kira!! ^.^

3. How did they get the promotion to detective and what do they think about it?

She wasn’t expecting the promotion, but I think if Detective Reele hadn’t retired when she did, Kira would have started working toward it in another six months to a year. She thinks she’s too young to be essentially in charge of the police in Wayhaven, since except for Douglas she’s the youngest at the station (she’s 25 at the start of Book 1, turns 26 between books 1 and 2), but she’s good at her job and is a natural leader. 

She doesn’t realize that everyone at the WPD has been quietly thinking of her as their boss for ages, even before Reele left, and she’s the only person there who didn’t find her promotion both obvious and well deserved.

6. What’s their relationship to Bobby?

In a word, bad. She dated him in year 1 at university for a couple months, they had a few classes together (she being an English Lit major and him being in journalism, there was a fair bit of overlap) and she recognized him. She’d never been away from home before, she was lonely and he was familiar, so for a while she pretended that was enough. It wasn’t, plus he’s a thief and an asshole (and the sex was disappointing anyway) and she doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Unfortunately, he won’t fucking go away.

She is coldly polite to him when she has to talk to him for work purposes, and only barely not outright hostile if he talks to her outside of business hours. If he keeps calling her “angel” she is going to break something. Possibly a chair. Over his head.

7. Who is their Love Interest and why?

this is actually a tricky question, because I’ve been doing all four routes with Kira :) I’m a big fan of making just one OC and fleshing them out as much as possible and seeing the different ways they connect with different characters. And all of Unit Bravo are just so lovely, how could I pick just one?

Kira feels a connection to Adam that she doesn’t fully understand. He’s gorgeous, obviously - of the four, he’s the most Her Type from a physical standpoint (those arms goddamn). Like, his eyes are even her favorite color. Yes, she’s noticed. Yes, she’s trying to pretend she doesn’t. But even beyond the physical, she feels... drawn to him. She wants him to notice her, feels ridiculously proud of herself when he compliments her on her skill as a detective and her place on the team. She is also pretty aware by this point that she’s head over heels in love with him and possibly always has been and is trying to come to terms with that, which would be a lot easier to do if he’d stop looking at her like that because it makes her forget how to speak.

Nate and Kira have a lot in common, both personality-wise and in their interests and hobbies, but in her mind he’s probably the one she least expected to end up with. He’s just so charming and romantic and that’s never really been her thing, but god how could anyone resist that smile? She doesn’t notice she’s doing it, but she tries to smooth out some of her rougher edges for him (she cusses a lot less with him than the others). She has never in her life wanted to kiss someone so badly (they earned that ferris wheel kiss goddammit). He makes her feel special and precious and seen in a way she’s never felt before.

Felix and Kira are almost complete opposites, but their relationship is just so... easy. Effortless. It feels like he’s always been there, or was supposed to be. He brings her out of her shell and reminds her how to have fun, and she sees past the grin to the man underneath, even the parts he tries to keep hidden away. He’s so sweet and open about how he feels that it just breaks through all her reservations and it’s impossible not to fall for him. She wants to show him the world, all the things he’s never gotten to see, the things about being human that she’s always taken for granted before. Paper airplanes are only the beginning.

I saved Mason for last because I have so many emotions about Kira and Mason and how well they fit together. I had written about them in the past (like, last October) that he doesn’t bother her or drain her social batteries as much as other people do, that she feels calm and peaceful with him in a way she never has with anyone else... and then in Book 2, he says the same thing about her. I wrote a fic (in December) where Kira shows Mason her secret hiding place, the roof of her apartment where she likes to go in the middle of the night and just get away from it all... and then in Book 2, he does the same thing for her. Like, they’re perfect for each other. I can’t wait until they figure that out. Their sharp edges fit together. She doesn’t have to pretend to be someone she isn’t when she’s with him. He makes her feel desired in a way she never has before, and she likes that he’s upfront about what he wants from her and even though she knows she is developing feelings for him (she has no idea just how much yet, but she knows they’re there) she’s not going to ask for anything he isn’t willing to give. Plus, the sex is fantastic.

14. Do they get along with Tina and Verda?

Tina introduced herself and told Kira they were going to be best friends, and nothing since then has done anything to prove her wrong. She’s Kira’s Person. They have a standing monthly movie night that they call “date night” (because in Tina’s mind, it’s the closest Kira ever gets to a date... until Unit Bravo comes to town) that they have only broken once ever in the time they’ve known each other.

Verda and Kira are both introverts, so their friendship has been building a little slower, but they get along well. She has enough scientific and deductive knowledge that he doesn’t worry about intimidating her with nerdy shit, and she appreciates his subtle humor and the sense of calm that he brings.

20. What is their personality?

Kira is friendly and kind and caring for the most part, though she is also very introverted (she got a whopping 99% introverted score on that myers-briggs personality quiz). She is good with people but doesn’t really like people, at least not for long periods of time. Her sense of humor can be very sharp and sarcastic once she starts to relax around someone, and she cusses like a sailor. She tends to be quiet when she can be and is stubborn as a rock. She is also super shy... until she isn’t :3 I think she’s only really reached the “until she isn’t” point with Mason so far, sometimes... maybe a bit with Nate.

24. How did they handle the fight with Murphy? Did they get bitten?

answered here :D

[sadlittletiger]

Permafrost Heart, Ch. 4

“Uncomfortable”

“Love, hatred, you have only to choose; they all sleep under the same roof; you can double your existence, caress with one hand and strike with the other.”

 - Dangerous Liaisons

Six thirty-four.

He heard her typing furiously across the room as he watched the clock.  Every few moments, a weary sigh floated up from her desk.  He rolled his eyes at her back.

Six thirty-five.

The incessant clacking of her keyboard was one of the few sounds in the office that evening. The air vent above his desk rattled. Footsteps echoed down the hall as officers changed shifts. An old car engine spluttered to life in the lot outside.  His teeth ground in his head.

Six thirty-six.

She hadn’t glanced up from her monitor for at least half an hour. She only typed, practically pounding on the damned keys, mumbling notes to herself.  What could she possibly have taken so many notes about?  On her busiest day, her job consisted of putting band-aids on Redfield’s perpetually scraped knees and performing exemplar chest compressions on a doll.

He checked his watch again, and then the clock on the back wall for confirmation.

The last of her colleagues had left ages ago.  It was Friday, after all.  Did Little Miss Church Mouse have nowhere else to be?

Rocking back in his creaky leather chair, he looked down at the same police report he’d read over eight or nine times already, his eyes unblinking, unseeing. It wasn’t of any consequence, thankfully...not that anything crossing his desk ever seemed to be.

The world felt terribly dull. Raccoon City was practically comatose. He’d abandoned the illicit bet with his sister; the chance of luring her or the stupid young medic to his bed this weekend was highly unlikely. He would have to make do with his own company for a while. Or perhaps not...Alex would surely come around before leaving again.  

Certainly.

Probably.

Hopefully.

The chime of Windows shutting down started him to attention.  Finally.  He cleared his throat, pretending to straighten a haphazard pile of reports, tossing a bottle of White-Out into a drawer and slamming it shut with a crack.  He ran a quick hand over the desk calendar - dog-earred, stained with rings of pale brown coffee - as if checking it for a nonexistent appointment, and he stood.

“Have a restful weekend, Miss Chambers,” he said briskly, collecting his coat from the hook behind his workspace.

When he turned back around, shoving his arm through a stubborn sleeve, he saw her.  Standing there. Just standing, glaring at him expectantly, her arms crossed over her flat chest.  Her throat worked as she swallowed.

He fixed the collar of his jacket, and then the cuffs, almost leisurely.  “Yes?” he asked, masking his agitation with a bored, impassive tone.

She took a quick, sharp breath, the start of a sentence, eyes narrowing into something that might have been shrewd in her mind...then she pursed her lips tightly, nothing but a pitifully strangled noise slipping out.

He pushed his chair back, tucking it into the desk, while a condescending smile spread across his face.  “Well, if you do think of whatever it is… you can tell me on Monday morning, hmm?”

“Sir, I’m uncomfortable.”

He blinked.  “Pardon?”

Her narrow shoulders squared defiantly.  “I’ve been trying to ignore it all week.  I kept thinking maybe I was… wrong.  But I’m not wrong, and I’m uncomfortable with the way you look at me, and I shouldn’t have to… feel this way, at work. I want you to stop looking at me,” she said in a nearly resolute voice.  “Like that.”

He fished in his pocket for his keys, grinning to himself.  “You want me to stop looking at you… like that,” he repeated, disbelieving.

“Yes, sir,” she said, suddenly very sure of herself. And then, a bit more quietly, “please.”

“Miss Chambers…” He shook his head, feigning disappointment. “I assure you that I have no idea what you’re talking about… but by all means, I will make a concerted effort to stop looking at you all together.” He brushed by her, pausing at the door, gesturing impatiently for her to join him.  “Now if you wouldn’t mind, I need to get home, because I don’t live in this office.  And I’m sure you’ve got something… Jesusy to do this evening, right?”

——

“I think she teared up then.  I didn’t wait around to watch the theatrics,” he drawled.  The microwave beeped twice behind him.  “I’m so tired of fucking take-out.  When are you going to call an end to this moratorium?  You know Ciarelli’s opened up again downtown.  You always liked their prime rib.”

“Uncomfortable,” Alex said for what must have been the seventeenth time, her voice a mixture of delight and curiosity as she ignored his attempts to draw her in. “And she said it just like that?”

He sighed into the phone, cradling it against his shoulder. He picked at the steaming carton of lo mein, plucking out one long, oily noodle and a shred of limp cabbage. “I don’t see what you find so fascinating about this.”

It had to be the final nail in the coffin of her absurd game. Rebecca Chambers was, perhaps, the one challenge he would never conquer...and only because she was so infuriatingly, maddeningly goddamned simple.  He had accepted this defeat, come to terms with it, digested it entirely, and he needed, more than anything, for his sister to do the same.

“Of course you don’t see it. You’re an idiot,” Alex answered. She let out a sad, wistful hum. “The poor baby’s inching closer to you, and you can’t even be bothered…”

“No.” He punctuated the word by stabbing the reheated slop with cheap wooden chopsticks. “I can’t. Because this is insane.”

“You’ve captured her attention, clearly. You’ve just got to hold onto it… and the rest of her will follow.”

“Right.” He twisted up a clump of rubbery noodles. “I’m sure she’ll be very receptive to yet another conversation come Monday morning…”

“You cannot possibly wait until Monday.  Strike while the iron is hot, while her blood is up.  Women adore being thoroughly upset once in a while.”

“Do they?” he laughed, wincing as he bit into a scalding-hot carrot.  “I’d love to hear how you think I should offend her further. Follow her to her place of worship, perhaps?  Just me and Miss Chambers?  Bonding over the sacrament?”  He snorted at his own cruel joke.

But Alex was dangerously silent on the other end of the phone.

Silent for far too long.

He dropped the lo mein on the counter, dark gelatinous sauce sloshing over the sides of the carton.  

“No.”  He clenched his jaw tight, his eyes wide.  “Absolutely not. This is too far, even for you --”

“I’m impressed, Albert,” she said quietly, as if she was mulling over every word.  “I think you might still have it in you.”

“No. No, no, no --”

“Be sure to wear something extra nice.  God will be watching.”