#maybe ive grown up and i dont keep in touch anymore but now the only show i have to look forward to is fionna and cake. but then what?

[munchboxart]

It's midnight so I'm gonna ramble again but about animation/cartoons as a whole included with my lack of knowledge about the industry

A few weeks ago, I remember watching some video about Cartoon Network or something and the guy doing the essay mentioned something like "With the rise of streaming and online as a whole, there is a loss of connection with parents and their kids because back then, you could watch the same cartoon with your kids and recognize who that is". They absolutely did not say those exact words but something along the lines of it, and it's stuck to me for days because it's true! Like I don't think kids nowadays have that kind of connection other than theatrical kids movies, which sucks I think moments like these are precious to have.

Another thing is that I think people kind of underestimate how popular cartoon/2d/3d shows are with adults? Especially young adults because the people who grew up with like, 1990s-2010s shows are probably mostly grown adults now. Probably the best recent example of this is Adventure time and how (I think) big Fionna and Cake is. Like I could go on Twitter and be spoiled hell and back on the newest episodes LOL. How about Owl House and Infinity Train? Bluuey too?? I don't know, but with the writers strike and how swept under the rug animation is, especially on streaming, it just kind of sucks where the current state of animation is right now for everyone as a whole

[hookedonapirate]

The Way She Makes Him Feel It

Summary: She wants to break up every night, then tries to fuck him back to life.

A/N: I really have no excuse for this, it’s just something that came from listening to the song Break Up Every Night by the Chainsmokers. I rated this mature but the smut is referenced and not detailed at all, this is mostly an angsty little thing I wanted to write.

Happy New Years everyone! 

Rated: M

Word Count: 1830

AO3 I FF.N

She wants to break up every night, then tries to fuck him back to life.

And she succeeds every time.

To think, his life used to be so simple… before she came in like a whirlwind and turned his world upside down.

They’d met at a bar, sparks flew between them immediately and what had started as a one night stand had quickly spiraled into something more. Or so it did.

Now she flees every chance she gets.

Maybe it’s his fault for putting too much pressure on her to start a relationship when he knows she’s had a rocky history in the dating department. She’s had a boyfriend who’d cheated and one who died, another who did both. So she’s too scared to risk giving away her heart again and wanted to keep things between them casual. He can’t help the way his heart has grown fond of her though. She’s so fierce and full of life, she's a firecracker in bed and so insatiable. Being with her is like going to France one time and becoming Parisian.

He can’t seem to stay away.

Nor can he resist her when she comes knocking on his door wanting to get back together again. Even though his older brother is constantly insisting against it, telling him not to fall for her games or her prowess.

Each time she breaks up with him, they go through the same ole song and dance.

“I need some time to think, I need some space,” is what she tells him as she’s leaving.

She changes her mind every night like the seasons, not knowing exactly what she wants. Meanwhile, he's at home, drowning in misery and loneliness from the emptiness she’s left in her wake. He checks his phone every second to see if she’s called or texted, then checks his pulse to make sure his heart's still beating because he feels lifeless without her, like he’s drowning.

So when she shows up on his doormat the very next day and says she wants him now, he sees the sorrow and apology in her eyes and can’t help but take her back. When she lunges forward, crushing his mouth with hers, pushing him back inside the apartment and slamming the door shut, he can’t help but let her use him to her heart's desire. When she presses him against it, kissing him breathlessly until he’s deprived of all oxygen, he can’t help but come to life again. And when she unbuttons his shirt, runs her fingers through his chest hair and pushes him on any available surface close by and rides him good and hard, until their bodies are crumbling and shaking and sweating and breathless, and after she’s made him come, milking him for everything he’s worth, he can’t help but like the way she makes him feel it.

In the morning they’re satisfied and sated and that’s when they start getting close again. They build the bridge up again, and that’s when she gets scared and takes off, burning the bridge down once more as she goes. And that’s when his heart stops again.

She wants to break up every night, then tries to fuck him back to life.

It’s the same rollercoaster ride over and over again. It’s like being at an amusement park and buying a ticket for one good ride, only the ride keeps stopping before it gets to the really good part and he has to keep starting from the beginning.

That’s what their relationship is like.

But he kind of loves it.

He loves the power she has over him. He loves it because he knows she feels as he does. And he can’t wait until she finally decides to realize it. She can’t stay away from him just like he can’t stay away from her. So she keeps coming back before she can feel the pain rising in her chest. She comes back hoping for a different result, hoping she won’t feel as strongly for him. But it’s always the same.

She gives him the runaround and leaves him wondering who he’s with now. She’s got seven personalities and everyone of them’s a tragedy.

But the thing is he loves each and every one of them.

So when she breaks up with him for the millionth time and doesn’t show up at his door the next day, his whole body aches. He remains hopeful, but when she doesn’t show up the next day or the one after that, he feels numb. He wants to give her the space she needs, but he also can’t live without her.

So he waits.

Still, she doesn’t come.

A week goes by and he hasn’t heard a word from her, so he goes to her place, but she’s not there. He tries calling her and texting her everyday, but there’s no reply.

It’s not until three months pass when there’s a knock on his door at seven in the morning. And he knows it’s her. He recognizes her knock because it’s soft and tentative, like a child’s knock.  

He doesn’t hesitate to stride across the room in his plaid pajama pants, his hair wrecked as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. He takes a deep, shaky breath and with unsteady fingers, he turns the knob and pulls the door open.

Normally a smile would take over his lips upon seeing her breathtaking beauty—she may even look more beautiful than she did when he’d first met her—but when there are a million tears streaming down her face, his heart constricts in pain.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbles through her sobs, and he can hear his brother’s voice in his ear telling him not to let her take him down again like every other time, but Killian’s unable to shut his feelings off for her. Even after three months and the numbness that had taken over him, everything he feels for her comes rushing back to the surface.

“Emma…” he starts to say, but she shakes her head to stop him.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but…” she chokes out another cry, “I had to feel pain again.”

Cocking a brow, he’s not sure what she means. ”What pain?”

“The pain that I felt every time I wasn’t with you. I’ve been numb for so long, I had to learn to feel again.”

Her words tear him apart. He swallows the lump in his throat, needing to know exactly why she’d needed to feel pain again. “And do you?”

Emma manages a strangled laugh, tears still falling down her cheeks. “Yes, I kept running away because I was afraid where things between us were going, and I would always come back because my heart would hurt…” the words stutter in her throat and she pauses and takes a breath, a soft smile forming on her lips. “My heart hurts when I’m not with you.”

“So you left to feel pain?” he asks in confusion, but it’s very early in the morning, so his brain is still foggy with sleep.

Emma nods. “Yes, I needed to feel the pain again so I could find out the truth, and so I could stand here and tell you to your face…”

“Tell me what?”

“That I… I love you, Killian Jones, and I don’t ever want to leave again.”

A big grin stretches across his lips, heart soaring to life again. “I love you too.” He steps forward, but to his dismay she puts a hand on his chest to stop him, her facial features growing more serious again.

“Wait, there’s something you should know before you decide to take me back.”

“You’ve never left, love,” he confesses, his words completely shattered as he raises hand to her cheek, his thumb wiping away her tears. “At least not from my heart.”

Another smile spreads across her lips as she sees the truth in his eyes. “But I have to tell you the reason why I had to make sure my feelings for you were real. I have to tell you why I didn’t come back the next night.”

“Why’s that?” Not that it matters, he’s in this for the long haul, whatever her reasons are.

Emma doesn’t speak right away, her emerald greens shining with the evidence of her love for him. She reaches her hand out, taking his and pulling their joined hands towards her abdomen. Lifting her sweater, she places his hand on her belly.

Killian‘s breath catches when he feels the roundness at his touch, his eyes glowing with wonderment.

“I’m pregnant, Killian. Sixteen weeks. And when I found out, I was more afraid than I’ve ever been in my life. I even,” her words crack as she continues, “I even considered giving the baby up, but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go of something—someone—we created together. So I needed to make sure my feelings for you were real. I needed to know I couldn’t live without you, pregnant or not.”

Killian has no words at first. His eyes widen and he looks down trying to process everything, his hand tightening around the life growing inside her. After those three months, he’d thought he’d lost her. He’d thought she hadn't wanted him anymore. Turns out he couldn't have been further from the truth. He should have never given up on her for one bloody second. “I’m going to be a father?” he finally musters, his words completely shattered.

“Yes, you are, if you want to be that is,” she says swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry it took me being pregnant to realize that I love you, and I can understand if you want me to leave and never come back.”

His eyes darken at the thought, but he quickly banishes it from his mind as he kneels down and plants a warm, loving kiss on her protruding belly. Still holding her hand, he caresses her delicate stomach with his other fingers, appreciating the feel of her skin finally on his lips and underneath his fingertips again and the way her scent permeates his senses. He’s so relieved to have her back and carrying his child, words can’t even express how he feels. So he rises and takes her into his arms, kissing her deep and fierce, expressing everything he feels for her in a breathless, heady kiss. And when they come up for air again, his heart thumping wildly, he touches her forehead with his to keep the world from spinning around him, a soft whisper pouring from his lips. “I never want you to leave again.”

She sighs in relief, a big smile blooming across her lips “Good.”

It’s not until she’d arrived on his doormat that morning, bearing his unborn child and promising to never to leave again when she brings him back to life again. Only this time it’s permanent. This time, the bridge they build that day never gets burned down ever again.

[sleepthinks]

I'm having Dumb Bitch problems.

We are in Texas visiting my niece who plays soccer for the college out here. I haven't been to Texas since like 2006 when we moved. I think we came back for like a quick few days in maybe 2008 or 2009 for a funeral. My father still lives in Texas with his new family. We haven't spoken since 2006 when I told him I was moving across the country. Before that it had been maybe 9-12 months since we had talked. After the move I received birthday cards for a few years but found out that it wasn't him, it was his new wife sending and signing the cards. After some therapy I decided to ask them to stop sending cards and officially cut off all ties. There was always pressure from her for me to come visit them and I felt like the cards were her way of guilting me into coming back.

We had to drive through the city they live in on our way to my niece's school. My mother made some smartass remark about going to visit him. I didn't respond.

Im still connected to some friends from Texas on Facebook. But having moved the week before we started high school, and not really ever coming back, I think we've all grown very far apart and there's not a lot of common ground anymore. I tried reaching out to a few friends, didn't hear back from most. There's a chance I can see a friend tomorrow night, maybe for dinner or something, but I'm really anxious about it. I don't feel like I've been successful or that I'm in a good spot in my life and I'm nervous to go meet someone I haven't seen in almost two decades. Worst case scenario I reveal how much of a loser I am. Or I have to face some harsh truths Ive been avoiding.

There's also some dumb bitch gay problems. Which aren't really problems. Allow me to explain. One of the boys I went to middle school/junior high with in Texas has been in my dreams lately. We're always in a happy relationship. Being depressed and miserable and oscillating between that low and just like a neutral "okay," having a dream where you're happy or elated is a trip. It's jarring because those basic feelings shouldn't be something you miss, but when you DONT have them, once you feel a little taste of it again, it reminds you of how far away you are.

It's really dumb this boy in particular is in my dream. We maybe spoke once or twice in the years I grew up in Texas. From 2nd-8th grade we never had any classes together. My mom was friends with his mom (they worked together before she got fired from that job thus burning all bridges she had made) he was friends with one of my "best friends" I had growing up. But he and I never really ever interacted. But he's in my dreams. Often. 3 or 4 nights a week.

Side note about that best friend. Since moving we haven't really kept in touch. I tried to reach out a few times and never got a response. Growing up either I stayed at his house or he stayed at ours nearly every weekend. It doesn't make sense to me. So much of our childhood was tied together, yet we have nothing to do with each other now. Do they ever think about me like I think about them? Do they ever dream about me? Towards the later years of our friendship we were at odds a bit. He was getting into trouble and getting into girls and getting into trouble WITH girls. He was super disrespectful to his parents. It made me mad. His parents were so nice. They provided everything for him. He lived on a huge farm, had every game and toy he could want. He got a phone and got taken to anywhere he wanted to go (we couldn't drive in 7-8th grade)

Looking back I start to wonder. He had several friends that were like me. Boys that didn't really have any other friends. It's hard to do it without naming names. Idk if anyone reads this anyways. This friends name was Randy. Randy was friends with Colton. Colton didn't really have other friends. He was just a big goofy kid. (looking back so was i) he was friends with Taylor. (the boy in my dream) Taylor's only other friend seemed to be his cousin (who was a girl, and for middle schoolers that meant he was weird) there were more boys but I can't remember specifically now. The point is. Looking back. I think maybe Randy wasn't really our friend. The friendships seemed one sided. I get the feeling that his mom put him up to it. All of us were kind of lonely kids. Not popular. Quiet. Maybe that's why Randy doesn't want to keep in touch. He didn't want to be friends in the first place. He was obligated to.

This all culminates to now. Now I'm in Texas again. Now I'm at a college visiting my niece. (I have other college anxiety but that's another long post) this college happens to be the same college both Randy AND Taylor went to. I'm not nervous about seeing them. I don't think they would recognize me anyways (I didn't have a beard in 7th grade) but it's weird being here. Being were they lived. I feel like an unwanted invader somehow.

Ah fuck I forgot to explain the Taylor in my dreams thing. I think the reason he's in my dreams is because he's got similar features and body types to my friend from Seattle. See my friend was a cute boy that i lived with and he was nice and paid me attention and acted like he wanted to hang out with me so OF COURSE I had a little infatuation. I'm so starved for friendship and love that any sort of attention like that would draw me in. I feel dumb. I just want to be friends with my friend without feeling like I'm crushing on him or something.

[mountolympusinc]

MOM (short story)

Valerie sat staring at her nearly empty glass before she down the shot of vodka she had in it and sighed listening but not really hearing the music that was playing from the speakers in the room, it wasnt until he spoke up that she heard apollo come in "hey, drinking on a Thursday afternoon alone? You and i both know you deserve better" he said offering his hand to which she laughed. Val stood up with her glass in hand and turned her back to him walking over to the bottle that was on the small table near her desk to pour herself another drink "and what might i ask will you do?" She asked, apollo smiled "you'll never know if you dont trust me, mom" he replied and she stopped turning to face him looking him over for a moment before walking foward slowly stopping just an arms distance away "i do trust you, son" and with that valerie took his hand and they slowly began to dance. Val smiled looking at apollos face not believing how much hes grown and how the years have changed them she only saw the little scared boy she saved years ago "you know you remind me so much of adam" he smirked a little at her words "yeah i know", Valerie always had this protective parent type relationship with the teens ever since the day they met but with apollo it was stronger than the rest and he made sure to take care of her as a son should even if she wasnt his mother. apollo loved her as if she was his mother and maybe even more because she saved not only him but his friends and he could never thank her enough for that so he promised himself that everyday he spent with her would be the best day of her life "you know i never..." She hushed him, val knew he was going to thank her again for saving them from that madman but she didnt need thanks "you dont have keep thanking me, Santiago look at me" she touched his cheek "you and your friends are no longer those scared little kids anymore, your not imprisoned, and you dont have to thank me for that". apollo looked down and sighed "but i want to because ive seen things and heard things that will haunt me until i die....my friends have been through the same some worse than others and ever since we met in that lab prison ive felt the need to protect them" tears started to form in his eyes as he spoke, val looked at him with a love and concern on her face "ive felt responsible for them and that day when the sirens went off and the guards started grabbing us....separating us from each other and i couldnt save...." He stopped. By now the two had stopped dancing and were just standing by the large window holding each other "santi, its not your fault" val said softly holding apollos face as his tears fell "i couldnt protect them i could stop....i failed" he tried his hardest to hold back his feelings but when he was with her he couldbt help it, valerie took him in her arms and held him close like she would when he was younger and he would cry tears of anger for his past mistakes "you didnt fail, you did the best you could" she said as he cried on her shoulder "my best wasnt enough" he sniffled and she kissed his head "it was good enough and so are you, my son". This used to be valeries favorite part of the day when one of the kids would come in and want to talk or just need her to hold them sometimes even nap in her office to get some good nightmareless sleep but she prayed for the day where they would heal and leave behind their past though that wouldnt be soon she hoped she could see the day that they stood tall and held their heads high with a smile because they deserve happiness after all they have been through and she would help however she could to get them there for their sake and cor hers cause even though she doeant admit it seeing them like this hurts her too. Apollo sighed deeply "i didnt mean to ruin your night really I...." Val stopped him "you didnt ruin anything you know im always here when you need me" she smiled as he leaned on her shoulder "thanks, mom" he said with a slight smile, valerie may have lost her child but that doesnt mean shes done being a mother "anytime, son" she kissed his head before letting him go "now come, join me in my reflective drinking" she stated with a laugh and he did happily join her.

[astralgloss]

im a curious meanie so 1-134 muhahaha you get to relive the hell i just went through

etab i haTE U

1: Name

my name is marit lol but please just keep it mar

2: Age

i am 17 but i’ll b 18 in 2 months!!!!

3: 3 Fears

the dark, complete and utter loneliness, and clowns

4: 3 things I love

books, forest fruit tea, the sound of rain

5: 4 turns on

a nice smile that reaches the eyes, a nice smell, having a dog ngl, a soft touch

6: 4 turns off

extreme arrogance, insisting to pay for my meal if i want to pay bc its “what a man should do”, forcing lifestyles on me, not caring about my interests

7: My best friend

she does have tumblr but idk it but hey demi if u ever see this ur the bomb.com

8: Sexual orientation

im bi fam

9: My best first date

my bf and i went to amsterdam to go shopping and he followed me everywhere (even the bookshop even though he hates books) and idk i just love him it was a nice day

10: How tall am I

im 1,65m or 5′4″ but i can and will kick ur ass

11: What do I miss

nothing really??

12: What time was I born

ok so i asked my mom and she said i was born on a tuesday at exactly 12pm but i bet she’s lying

13: Favorite color

yellow!! im basic!!

14: Do I have a crush

well i sure hope so @ boyfriend

15: Favorite quote

to the stars who listen, and the dreams that are answered

16: Favorite place

my bf’s house tbh, specifically his bed

17: Favorite food

pizza, specifically the hot chicken one from ny pizza

18: Do I use sarcasm

nah fam (ofc i do im a little shit)

19: What am I listening to right now

god is a woman by ariana grande

20: First thing I notice in new person

how they look at other people when those people don’t notice it

21: Shoe size

38/39 idk the other size lol sorry 

22: Eye color

its blue but it changes with my mood (oh my god im so sorry im kidding please don’t hate me)

23: Hair color

im a blondie

24: Favorite style of clothing

sth casual but also a bit towards the punkish style, but i also rlly love looking tiny and soft and cute lol

25: Ever done a prank call?

ok so there’s this hotline for kids who have troubles with their parents and families but it was a shit hotline tbh so once i called it up with my friends pretending i was crying and the man on the phone asked me what was wrong so i told him that all my friends had fire type pokemon and i only had grass type pokemon and they kept beating me and i didnt know what to do and then man was so confused it was funny af

27: Meaning behind my URL

idk man i wanted a name that could b easy to remember and i was inspired by ridgeport tbh

28: Favorite movie

the perks of being a wallflower

29: Favorite song

Fav song atm is anything from p!atd's newest album and my fav song of all time is probably train of consequences by megadeth

30: Favorite band

megadeth lol

31: How I feel right now

pretty good but also annoyed bc i have to go to work in half an hour :(

32: Someone I love

my bf

33: My current relationship status

if u guys havent noticed by now im taken

34: My relationship with my parents

p ok

35: Favorite holiday

halloween/christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

I have my ears pierced and thats it lol

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

i rlly want a few bookish related tattoos, like a tiny raven, a little lightning bolt, and the city of velaris and then i also rlly want a sleeve tbh but imma be a teacher and idk if i can :/ about piercings: i rlly want a helix or tragus and maybe get second holes in my hearlobes

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

ok so ive been on tumblr for about 5 years and initially it was bc i was Depressed™ and then about a year ago i found out about simblr and i was hooked

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

tbh i dont even talk to him anymore i dont rlly care about him in any way

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yes bih

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

hes my bf so yea lol

42: When did I last hold hands?

wednesday

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

about 45 minutes bc im lazy and i keep getting distracted

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

nope

45: Where am I right now?

in bed lol

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

either my bf or my best friend

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

depends on where i am

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

mom

49: Am I excited for anything?

tbh moving out but thats gonna take a few more years

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

*insert bf here*

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

every time im at work lol

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

wednesday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

lol bye

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

nope

55: What is something I disliked about today?

the fact that i have to work a day shift instead of an evening shift

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

my internet friends tbh it’d be cool to meet all the people from my bookish discord or from @booptherat​‘s discord

57: What do I think about most?

what book i should read next

58: What’s my strangest talent?

i can finish a book in about 4 hours

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

not rlly? i hate the whole asmr thing tho ew

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind lol

61: What was the last lie I told?

i dont remember tbh

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

neither lol

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

look im not saying that believing that we’re the only living species in the entire universe is narcissistic, but it is. also dont fuck with ghosts

64: Do I believe in magic?

hell yes

65: Do I believe in luck?

hell yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?

idk probably cloudy and windy

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury 

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

nah not rlly

69: Do I have any nicknames?

i guess mar?

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

when i was 2 i fell from sth and slammed the corner of my eye onto the corner of a table and i couldve been blind but thank god im not

71: Do I spend money or save it?

both 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

yup

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

post it notes

74: Favorite animal?

doggg

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

reading lol

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

idk man

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

i gotta feeling by the black eyed peas lol

78: How can you win my heart?

give me a samoyed and a 1000 books

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“a boss ass bitch”

80: What is my favorite word?

fuck?

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

@cubersims​ @imvikai​ @ridgeport​ @cowplant-pizza​ @bloomlet​ @tiptoptab​

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

spend fiddies, pet kitties, hold tiddies

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not that i know of lol

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

the power to choose whatever power i want at any moment

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“do you like working here?”

86: What is my current desktop picture?

its an august background from @emmastudies​

87: Had sex?

yes

88: Bought condoms?

no

89: Gotten pregnant?

no

90: Failed a class?

yes

91: Kissed a boy?

yup, i’ve been kissing my bf for about 2,5 years now lol

92: Kissed a girl?

yup, i’m living the bisexual dream lol

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yes

94: Had job?

yes, im working at a movie theater right now!!

95: Left the house without my wallet?

tbh all the time now that i can pay with my phone

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

yea i used to but that was when i was 12 and i’d like to say that i’ve grown a lot in the past 5 years

97: Had sex in public?

nope

98: Played on a sports team?

yes

99: Smoked weed?

nope, even though i live like 20 minutes away from amsterdam lol

100: Did drugs?

nope

101: Smoked cigarettes?

nope

102: Drank alcohol?

yupppp, i love me some raspberry cider

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nope

104: Been overweight?

nope

105: Been underweight?

nope

106: Been to a wedding?

yup

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

lol all the time tbh

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yup

109: Been outside my home country?

yup, however never outside of europe tho

110: Gotten my heart broken?

a few times

111: Been to a professional sports game?

yess, i saw the dutch female volleyball team once!

112: Broken a bone?

nope

113: Cut myself?

yes

114: Been to prom?

we dont do prom in the netherlands lol

115: Been in airplane?

yes

116: Fly by helicopter?

nope

117: What concerts have I been to?

k3 (only dutchies and belgians remember this), one direction, megadeth, and ed sheeran

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yupp

119: Learned another language?

i mean im from the netherlands and im fluent in english thanks to myself

120: Wore make up?

yuppp

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

yes

122: Had oral sex?

lol yes

123: Dyed my hair?

nope

124: Voted in a presidential election?

not old enough to vote :(

125: Rode in an ambulance?

nope

126: Had a surgery?

nope

127: Met someone famous?

nope

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

nope

129: Peed outside?

a few times lol

130: Been fishing?

nope

131: Helped with charity?

yep

132: Been rejected by a crush?

a few times

133: Broken a mirror?

lol yes

134: What do I want for birthday?

some books, money, cake, more books, makeup

[woozi]

henlo yza <3 ,

hdjdkd i don't really have much knowledge abt different techniques & kind of dances so when the steps match the lyrics i'm like '!!! wow yes i love it' fhdjdjskks also bc i've grown up watching these kind of dances only so my that's what i tend to notice first hdjdjddk it is also one of the reason why i decided to stan svt dwc, oh my, thanks & our dawn is hotter than day's choreo details really impressed me.

maybe vincenzo is your svt club & ur so valid for that <3 hddjdjekek also pls don't say sorry!! you can talk abt it as much as you want i like knowing what you think. i'll let you know how was it for me when i complete it. & no homecha hasn't ended yet (idk if there are 16 or 14 eps i haven't checked) it does come on weekends, counting this sunday's ep, we're at 12th rn.

i get that fjdjdkkd i used to be the same 😭 always waiting for dramas to end so i can binge watch because not knowing what happens next would kill me. but idk when this happened, my will to watch anything died down bc the eps are just there, available for me to watch anytime. im like 'i'll watch it next time' but next time never comes 💀. this year i've watched no-air ones only hdjssj very surprising for me ( also my wack memory & svt content supports me by forgetting abt it after weekend ends dhdjdkkd) anyway i'm very excited to see how you like homecha!

CHURCH BOY JOSH HDHDJDDKKSLSDJ church boy josh, cringe domestic boy, joshua numbers. we've come up with so many nicknames for him in few asks only 😭😭 dbdjksksk deserve actually. BUT SO TRUE I STILL HAVE NO WORDS FOR HIM. THAT WAS- JUST- WOW OKAY WE SEE YOU 😭😭and dino lip piercing and hoshi eyebrow slit..... so sexy of them. cb concept pictures haven't come out yet & they're already shinning!! love to see that. also now we have gyu and hoshi's wedding reception pictures & cottagecore hannie (with that collarbone picture right in middle >:( wth mister but also hbd ig <3) being added in the equation.

IM CRYINGGGGGG THEY LOOK SO CUTE THEY ARE SO CUTE NOO 😭😭💔 HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THESE COVERS WTH (being the ex-directioner and all dhdjkdsksk). I SMILED SO WIDE WATCHING THEM <///3 it's been so long since i heard one thing wow lol. but! this means they know who zayn is. thank you for this jdjssk this is going to keep me happy for some time hdjdke. SUNDAY MORNING EHJEJEKE 😭 thank you <3 dndjdj

IKR???? IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS CB I'M ALSO EXCITED TO EXPERIENCE IT WITH YOU. agreee truly bless svt for helping keeping us from losing it over life (by making us lose it over them) tbh sometimes it worries me too with the way contents keep dropping but just now in these unit interviews being released, perf unit shared how they have ppl who encourage them to be okay with their tiredness. things like that put me at ease. hope they rest well from time to time too. honestly just looking at their tour schedules i used to get tired because these dudes used to have more shows and less day offs and some of them being used to just move from one city to another. i hope in coming years pledis changes that lol.

sameee for the poster release hdjdkeek. also even though there was scheduler, i forgot abt the concept trailer 😭 it was raining & bcoz of that power was out as well & i don't use data dhdjdkdk. i think 5 minutes after 12 kst power came back (you can say joshu's sparkler brought it back hdjdjdks) it literally left me speechless. yk that meme ' everyone remembers what they were doing & where they were when it happened ' that's me & you with this cb hfjdkd honestly that's everyone with this cb me thinks.

seventeenies bringing the grass to you w their posts djdjkd ( btw you can always tell me if silly little jokes get out of hand i wouldn't ever like to make you uncomfy) but seriously i hope uni doesn't give you hard time. don't worry much just keep moving forward, at some point whatever is making you feel stuck will move away eventually.

is it that obvious? 😭😭😭😭 no i don't like rain at all dhjddk (i actually didn't dislike it as much during teens) mostly because road drainage system sucks here & we live in lower area so even moderate rain causes water logging. i'd give you some rain but this one's bad so i won't </3 ( as if i could if it were the good one 💀) stay hydrated!!! drink two sips of water everytime you hear dino laugh, i hope it cools a little soon.

that's what being on tumblr since 2012 does to you 😭 ALSO UR SO FUNNY PLS, SO ARE THE MEMES YOU USE FOR ASKS DJDJDKD. *hands you bunny headband dino* it's dangerous outside take this, you too stay safe out there 😭😭😭😭 love you too <3 and thank YOU for hanging out w me hehe :3, also dw tbh these asks have become one of the highlights for me now & i'm only using my free time excluding resting time, i hope you are too, no pressure at all! dw about being late - 🪂

ps - did i tell you i actually followed your svt blog around the time everyone was guessing your biases hddjkddj i sent mingyu & jeonghan dhdjdj that was my first ask :3 - 🪂

henlo, 🪂!! <3 <3 <3

honestly it doesnt matter to me tbh <3 if people enjoy the dance its all that matters!! and omg i can see that!! i love the svteenies always bring something fresh to the table

omg that means you're near the end 😭😭😭 i keep seeing gifs of it on my dash and it makes me feel a lil lovesick ngl HJFHJFHD why is it so TENDER????????????????

ok but that's so valid too bc that's me rn with in the soop.... i literally have not watched the 6th ep yet 😭 and i'm getting the feeling youre mentioning w swf now because i literally always look forward to tuesdays just for the next ep HJDHJDS also i am dumb what are no-airs HJDHJDHHD and ur not alone tbh <3 i have also been super forgetful lately and that is not like me fdhjdfjhdfhjdfhj we're rotting in this hellsite ig

love bullying him i just wanna know how he'd react if he gets upset <3 i dont think we've ever seen angry josh and i wanna make him angry sm HSDHJSDJ im glossing over dino lip piercing to directly go over hOSHI EYEBROW SLIT BC HELLO??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ive never really liked eyebrow slits but he makes them look so- i want him to hurt me HJDSHJDHJDS ALSO THE LATEST SET OF PHOTOS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD they're giving me what i've been asking for i love being here sm <3 soonyoung's so chummy w everyone have u seen his photos w jihoon last night 😭 he's literally tamed the actual tiger icb this. and no oh my god i do not Know what Collarbone Jeonghan is i have erased him from my memories thank u

HDSHDSJDSHJDS the ex-directioner is so funny to me 😭 i think we have all been there one way or another <3 and ofc omg <3 i'm glad my core svt memories make u happy HSDJHJDFHJHJDSF

they literally said escapism hELP ME 😭😭😭😭😭 i think they're also just workaholics in general. i would be too if i actually enjoyed what i did for a living 😭 and are we even gonna get tours in the near future.... this is so sad i havent even seen them irl </3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG that's terrible, i hope u guys were okay though :/ AND NOT THE JOSH SPARKLER FDDHJFHDFHJFDHFDH now i have to think about him oh my god i think i passed out a little when eyebrow piercing josh came on screen and just full on blacked out when the match scene came on tbh 😭 JKSDJKDSKDS ITS LIKE THE PANDEMIC!!!!!!! WE WILL RMB!!!!!!!!!

ALSOO NOOO OMG i dont feel uncomf at all and u should also tell me if i do make u feel so <3 thank u for even mentioning that!! also love that they're Doing It All for us we dont even have to go out to touch grass anymore HJDSHJSDJ i've actually been v happy w uni omg!! just that i often feel stressed bc they give us sm things to do </3 thank u for ur kind words!!

that's the price of being an adult JDJSJKD now we gotta think of things like.. idk the effects of rain 😭😭😭 i used to even love it when it flooded as a kid HJDSHJSDHJ now i get anxious too!! i love all kinds of rain though so i wont mind JKKSDKJSDKJD just that other people might be affected </3 wish i had my own rain cloud on some kind of leash lmao. ALSO IF I DRINK WATER EVERY TIME I HEAR DINO LAUGH FDHFDHJDFHD gonna be bloated but hydrated af ngl

oh my gOD YOU WERE HERE SINCE 2012???? we're literally sick bestie <3 i genuinely think tumblr has changed something fundamental in me and my way of thinking has not been The Same as idk.. regular people ig JDSHJSDHJSD THE OFFLINE PEOPLE!! smth about tumblr is so <3 sick but also i love this hellsite so 😗 AND NOOO NOT THE MEMES FDHDFHJDF its my broken sense of humor and inability to convey emotions properly HHSDHJDSHJ

BUNNY HEADBAND DINO?????????????????????????????????????? honestly he'd bring me more harm than protection i'll say that much 😭

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that genuinely made me feel so warm & fuzzy, i always look forward to your messages too <3 <3 <3 i hope u always have good days u deserve it for being such a sweetheart

WAIT HELLO???????????????????????? YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG THEN 😭😭😭😭😭 and im so impressed you didnt get weeded out ngl HFDHJFDHJFD icb you've been witnessing me going more ill everyday <3 ur a soldier

and u are partially correct abt mingyu & jh <3 at least during the time JSDJDSJKSDJK i think i've been desensitized to mingyu now but i still love him sm <3 he's just so cute and cutesy boys kinda infuriate me in an affectionate way so HJSDHJDSHJDSH

[rogue-rook]

many many highlights from The Crystal Kingdom from a first-time TAZ listener

featuring some bits from the Lunar Interlude II: Internal Affairs

travis: “it was streaming on witch. that’s like magical twitch!”

SWEET ANGO HAS RETURNED!

i cannot believe griffin went to the EFFORT of making a fantasy costco jingle

the lockpicking garden gnome called the Nitpicker that insults the damn party is a beyond brilliant object for sale at the fantasy costco

I really want to lodge a complaint with the HR department of the bureau of balance on sweet angus macdonald’s behalf bc these grown men are FULL ON BULLYING THIS TEN YEAR OLD BOY GENIUS

so is this new shitty scientist consultant lucas a bigger annoyance than shitty train butler wizard jenkins or does jenkins still retain that title

travis: "anything this touches turns to crystal?" griffin: "yeah, pink tourmaline" travis: "yeah, I'm not gonna say that, because I'm an adult"

CAREY FANGBATTLE is like on par with Jess the Beheader in terms of Cool Names

griffin: “so the three of you are currently sitting in a gondola, which is another word for a little boat” travis, singing: “the more you knoooowww”

“so it’s made of crystal, right?” “yes, everything is crystal” x1000000

the crystal kingdom song is beautiful

griffin: “you see a sign that says The Magical World Of Elevators” justin: “griffin's really stickin it to the people who say he's not allowed to have elevators in this game”

today in failed brand marketing: “Upsy, your lifting friend”

this arc is ACTUALLY set up like a video game level puzzle, when griffin says “ah, you’ve solved my crystal puzzle” it will actually apply

clint: “I rolled a 4 but I get another roll...a 5″ travis: “wow, you're really bad at dnd”

merle: “I'm gonna use Banishment on the cockroach” griffin: “okay, you're just gonna yell GET OUT OF HERE COCKROACH, I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE”

magnus is being fucking mean to lucas, the genius inventor, and he’s been a TOTAL DICK to sweet boy genius detective angus macdonald, and i feel like pointing out that he was WAYYY nicer to shitty evil wizard train butler jenkins who beheaded a guy with a teleportation door

griffin: “one of the signs is labeled Radiation Ventilation Maintenance Chamber, and the other is labeled Lil Genius BuddyBot R&D" travis: "I feel like this is a trick” clint: “I feel like griffin has been playing Fallout”

I LOVE HODGE PODGE THE LIL GENIUS BUDDYBOT!!! EVEN IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE EVIL, THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE MADE ME LOVE HIM PRETTY INSTANTLY AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT

hodge podge: “magnus! merle! take-o” goddamnit griffin

justin: “can we just put the stone of far speech in front of the robit and griffin, you can just talk to yourself?”

hodge podge is exactly the kind of unsettling demon robit with a mostly-adorable voice, except for when he goes demon-y, that I expected from griffy

justin: “my character taako has innate skills in: investigation, nature, history, religion, arcana, and religion” so is he double good at religion then

taako: “okay, I got a question for you: who....do we work for?”

lucas: “hey, are you just mean to everyone?” THANK GOD SOMEONE VOICED THIS LEGITIMATE FUCKING CONCERN, THE GRUBBY GRIFTERS ARE MONSTERS

clint: “I look up what scrumbled means” griffin: “justin said that in a Monster Factory once and I’ve been using it like it’s a real word” justin: “I am the lewis carroll of my generation”

noel the friendly medic robit’s voice started at vaguely-angus like and then became straight up country southern and i really hope somebody calls griffin on it

i really think griffin introduced the nitpicker so he could have a way of introducing his own critiques of his dad and brothers’ dnd skills

the little compact mirror has some shit in it that i think must be important

there’s a rift in space and time and pink tourmaline is coming out of it and the damn song is super ominous and making me MEGA NERVOUS and honestly i don’t know what the flying goddamn fuck is happening but i am SO INTO IT

lucas: “you’re just yelling hugbears at me” magnus: “BUG! HEARS!” “what” “what”

so is lucas just like holding these poor bugbears in fucking slavery

the grubby grifters discover the tourmalined body of boyland and magnus asked if he can DESECRATE THE GODDAMN BODY OF HIS TRAGICALLY DECEASED COWORKER

griffin: “these two figures are just taking these ice robits to Fool School”

awww they’re gonna fight one of my favorite little creepy crawlies! human sized tardigrades that will absolutely fuck their shit up!!! so cute

griffin: “you’re so loosey-goosey with your possessions! ‘hi scuddle-buddy! bye scuddle-buddy! go get on that train to hell!’”

clint/merle’s immediate panic when they decide the only option here is to CHOP HIS GODDAMN ARM OFF

killian, after picking lucas up: “THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST SHITTIEST DAY EVER, WE ARE TWO PEOPLE DOWN, YOUR LAB SUCKS!!” #relatable, I feel u killian

during this arc the mcelboys keep talking about how they don’t remember shit from the beginning of the show bc that was two years ago and im like what? what? that was three days ago, friends!! its bc ive binged this shit in under a WEEK

merle basically has a plant fetish okay, that’s the only reason this soul-wood shit worked

griffin: “it actually curls up and gives you a thumbs up as if to say 'hey! I'm your arm now!’”

so like this planar system shit is probably important, right

this parseltongue motherfucker that’s like fucking haunting the grubby grifters needs to start explaining what their whole, like, DEAL is

this Red Robe dude is having a FREAKOUT over the damn umbrella and im like mmmmm maybe taako shouldn’t have just taken the damn umbrella, no questions asked

killian’s scanner is having a major freakout over a lich being present and im like, yeah, its the fucking umbrella, yall

oh, real quick, the mcelboys gotta pause the action to whine at each other about character voices

killian: “I am going to ABSOLUTELY murder that man” yeah, killian remains the most goddamn relatable npc in this fucking world

i sure hope The Adventure Zone Zone doesn’t have any super important info in it, bc im not gonna listen to the mcelboys talk about the maxfun drive from two fucking years ago

the crystal golem just called the grubby grifters bounties, and said it was time for noelle the friendly medic robit and the grubby grifters to all go back to the astral plane and im like WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? GRIFFIN! WHAT?

OH FUCK ITS BEEN KRAVITZ THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME!!!!! KRAVITZ!!!!!

griffin: “a D6 is like a dice-ass-dice! that's like some monopoly shit!!”

kravitz: “i don’t even know how that even worked, like with physics”

taako: “luke! use the fork!” merle: “the fork will be with you, always”

magnus: “I want to roll an investigation check on noelle...I rolled a 2″ griffin: “okay well you know noelle is a robot”

YALL!! SHITTY TRAIN BUTLER WIZARD JENKINS AND MAGIC BRIAN THE GERMAN MORON BOTH CAME BACK!!

magic brian the german dumbass: “i had an invitation to my wedding for you, and instead of RSVP-ing, you murdered me!”

travis: “when you say they evaporate, do they go back to heaven or hell or the after plane, or whatever, or are they GONE?” griffin: “it kinda seems like you obliterated their soul. kinda seems like you just kinda ERASED them” travis: “you know, at the end of day, I punch people, but dad unmakes their existence, who's the real monster?”

the fact that noelle died in phandolin when the grubby grifters and gundren rockseeker turned the whole town to glass is so goddamn fucking tragic, THANKS GRIFFIN!!!!

lucas miller: yet more proof that dickin around with science and magic and mad scientist shit is always gonna end badly for everyone

kravitz: “taako, you’ve died eight times”...[...]..”magnus, you’ve died 19 times”...[...]...”merle highchurch, the richest bounty i have ever hunted, you have died 57 times” WHAT?? WHAT? WHAT???? WHAT???? GRIFFIN!!??? WHAT????

THIS STORYLINE IS LIT

griffin: “a legion of ghosts” justin: “great”

i think both griffin and I have forgotten that carey fangbattle and killian are in this scene. also merle has had a soul-bond wood arm this whole time

the grubby grifters beat a goddamn LEGION of ghost robits, or ghrobits, and then kravitz slides back into the scene all like “uh, hey, assholes, thanks for saving me, I’ll make up some legal loophole bullshit to thank you” that’s not a direct quote, that’s me editorializing. i fucking love kravitz

taako: "they found new bodies, just because they're mechanical doesn't mean the life is any less valid - battlestar galactica"

oh fuck magnus got a cheating deck of cards in like episode goddamn THREE and he just whips em out in episode fucking 39 against kravitz

kravitz, massively misunderstanding the assholes he’s talking to: “the rules of nature are there for a reason, so lets just stop running afoul of them, as if this all just funsy-fun make-believe!”

magnus: “kravitz! tell julia I love her” TRAVIS!!!! TRAVIS MCELROY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO MY HEART!!!

lucas: “you'll never see me again, but if you do, i'll be doing good, and please don't kill me instantly”

justin: “i give angus a thumbs down” motherfuckers

killian: “hell yes! I love this plan! me and carey, and a robot ghost with a gun arm! sounds like a plan!” magnus: “sounds like a spinoff!” killian: “that’s sounds like some torchwood shit!”

davenport the goddamn pokemon

on one hand, I’m really goddamn suspicious that the director isn’t actually destroying the relics but is collecting them for her own gain. but on the other hand, if this turns out to not be true, I will feel bad for suspecting her so hard

taako: “director, here’s the truth. what did you have for lunch on Dec 3 2015? you don’t remember right? that’s when you told us not to talk to the Red Robes. what’s I’m saying is WE FORGOT!”

YOOO THIS EPILOGUE PROPHECY IS SOOOOOOO COOOOOL GRIFFIN!!! WHAT IS THIS!!!! ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!

this was a wild wild wild wild ride and whatever griffin is doing with this story is LIT

[mycrazyuniquemind-blog]

I took a walk today. It wasn't my usual I need to hurry up and get there type of walk. It was a Reflection walk, very quite calm nice breeze on a sunny Kansas Day. I walked from the house I grew up in as a kid, to my elementary school. As an adult I don't think I've ever had the true "I'm all grown up" feeling.

Walking down the street, I invision myself as a kid. I remember the first time ever walked to school. I almost got lost on the way back home. Luckly I remembered the house that I was suppose to make a right at the fork, I recognized the play set in the back after walking straight so i made my right hand turn and made it home safely. I walk by the same house today, there is no playset anymore, the houses of friends i use to play at no longer live there, expect one I had a touching conversation with his mom while he was at work. He was my best friend, he still is but we get busy adulting and stopped making time just to chill and catch up its a sacrafice to grow up but you will never forget the ones you grew up with him and his Brother.

I continue to walk down the path I walked to school 17 years ago. I walk pass the spot where I got my first gut punch from a boy that was 3 years older than me. I didnt even do anything, I was just walking and talking to him and then I was punched and he Ran off. Some would say he liked me but I think he was just a dick kid and he ran off. I guess he didnt want a girl to get a hit off because i ran into him in high school and he was still a dick. Life Lesson if someone shows you who they are, Believe them.

I walk pass the house that my brother got in his first fight over a soda. This Kid had asked my brother for a sip of his Soda, my brother said yeah. Little did we know this kid was about to just turn his full can Into a shot glass. He hands my brother the can of soda back and its empty...The next thing i knew My brother must have punched this kid so damn quick with the can still in his hand and gave him a bloody nose instantly. We finnish walking home and before we walked in the door my mom asked what happen. My Little Bro never got punked after that again.

Im Finally at the bottom of the hill of where my school sits. I just stand there at the cross walk reliving all of the times I would meet my friends in that very spot after school. I remember endurance foot races up the hill to see if we could even make it, then second round was to see who was the fastest. I remember in the winter walking with my Buddies to this hill had having a wonderful time until our fingers and toes were frozen and then we walked home together just to warm up and do it again.

I took a walk on the black path that runs through the school property. We took weekly walks on the trail in 4th grade I loved the nature walks. I remember walking home on the trail from Jr High when stopping to pick up my brother and sister. I remember walking this trail late at night with my friends doing mischievous things you know how kids are.

I look over at the playground and I start to walk to the Kick ball Field. I get there and I stand on home plate and look over the whole playground. I see the Basketball Goals where I really got my shot down at, ill admit I started off with granny shots but what kid dosent. I remember intense cames of horse and 21 and asking the teacher for like 5 more minutes during recess. I see the swings, I seen they pushed them back and I smurked when I relized what they had done. When they were in their orginal place it had become dangerous due to the new Doge ball court that was actually newly painted on the ground right in front of the swings at that time. I know this because I actually kicked my friend in the head while swinging after he had darted under me to get the ball....it would have worked but his timing was off. So he had sucky recess that day. I look at the tetherball court I seen they added two more. I remember I was the Queen of theatherballl. I remember being one of two girls on the Soccer feild as kids with a hurd of boys just chasing the ball not knowing any idea on playing soccer. She knew how to play though, Now she has a kid and rides and takes care of her horses.

I look at the building, im able to see just about every classroom window I sat near looking out the window day dreaming about what being an adult out of school would be like. Now that im an adult, its actually very lonely sometimes. I actually wish i could go back...I wish i could go back to when my friends and I would make plans for when we got older. I wish I could go back to Harry Potter Birthday Parties or maybe Scooby-Doo, or taking limousine rides to and from Birthday Parties. I remember some cool house pool parties as well. I would love to relive my childhood, Well the good parts anyway.

Now that im an adult I have to keep those memories close to me, I also have to keep those people I grew up with close to me. I've learned that being an adult is the hardest thing I will ever possiblely do as a human. So it keep it light and fun heart. There is always time for Adulting it never stops we will pay Taxes till we die but remember the Filling, the things that happen in between is what counts. We will Lose Jobs, we will lose family and loved ones. So keep in mind to live life a little lighter, give your childhood memories life again. Dont have many friends thats okay take your kid. I Take my Daughter everywhere she is why I live the way i do, I want to show her all of the awesome things in life and prepare her for the less awesome things in life. I want to show her that we can have fun even though i am an adult and her Monther. My childhood memoires keep me young and give My daughter the foundation to create her own memories to have with her friends.

Soon I will watch my own daughter travel to and from school. I will listen to how her day was when she gets home and I start preparing for Dinner. She will come home so frustrated at her home work she will probably want to cry. What she dosent know is that ive been there done that. I have solutions for her. We will work together to get it done and that will show her the awesome benefit of a team and workmanship. She will learn that a kids life isnt hard but it may seem like it at times. She will learn to hold her friends close but her memories closer. Someday Ill show her where i grew up but only when i feel that she is ready for life opening wisdom. Then she can then had down knowledge to her kids and so on. The feeling of the life of a kid will never disappear it may become dormant, just be sure to rekindle it from time to time I hope that it keeps you young.

[cutegirlmayra]

this prompt is VERY au but ive had this for a while , and ive always wanted to see u write it: okay so amy & sonic haven't seen each other for a while bc shes been away studying or something & when she comes back shes more mature & understands the concept of personal space xD and sonic gets a bit upset bc shes not paying him much attention like she used to or maybe he can get jelly of someone!! its okay if u dont want to but ur writing is soooo good i would just love to see it !! ur the best!

Actually, I wanted to do a fanfiction on this idea of Amy leaving for a ‘monastery retreat’ where they promise enlightenment. She leaves a letter and purposefully states she’s not saying where she’s going until she’s found ‘inner peace’ with herself. She goes on the journey that tests her, then gets a job when she realizes the retreat needs to be paid for. She works for some cruel tavern people and gets swindled/con’d. She stands up for herself and gets the money back (by/with some force, lol). She is selected by a teacher who is usually very picky about his students, an armadillo who is infamous for whacking his students with his long stick to train them.

After all this, he teaches her ‘self control’ and ‘balance in her chi’ or whatnot.

I’m starting this concept off after Sonic receives many letters/postcards with different buildings and locations from the mountain she’s at. He takes out the photos, and one by one, races off to each landmark till he finds the mountain and finds her.

Prompt:

Sonic sped forward till halting and slightly wagging from the left over momentum as he looked up at the monastery.

Moving his mouth to the corner of his muzzle, he then pulled out the last postcard Amy sent him, and held a finger up to his chin, tapping his pointer finger to see if it matched.

Yep, definitely.

He looked over, “And that must be the tavern that treated her so poorly.” he put the photo away, but never took his eyes off of it.

“Time to teach them some manners when it comes to rooming guests.” Sonic adjusted his gloves, and smirked, knowing he was gonna cause some mayhem before saying hello to Amy. (his form of justice, he really didn’t like how she described how they treated her.)

After being the most annoying and stuck-up snob the tavern had ever known, they tried to kick him out, even if he did have rings, he wasn’t going to pay them, and fought his way out scott-free.

He chuckled to himself, before looking up at the monastery again. “Check.” he seemed to mentally be checking something off a list, and then threw a ring back at a dog-pile of beaten up men, all having their eyes spin around in their dizziness.

Sonic raced up the monastery before leaning over a counter, smiling charmingly to the woman present.

“Hey.”

“Hello.” the woman gave him a cold look up, and continued to look at her scrolls.

“…Eh-heh.” Sonic smiled nervously, seeing she looked a bit stingy. He straightened himself out, “Is there an Amy Rose that goes here?”

Her face suddenly shifted, and she immediately threw up a cane, pointing it directly at him. “I HATE THAT GIRL. DO YOU KNOW HER!? ARE YOU HERE TO TAKE HER AWAY!?”

Sonic put his hands up, “Y…yes?” he raised an eyebrow, amazed someone could hate Amy… w-well, maybe not THAT amazed, but..

“Oh good~” she suddenly looked cheery and her age, putting her hands together and up by her cheek. “Right this way~” she swished her black cat tail and gestured for him to follow her.

She smirked as they walked into the inner arena, within the walls of the ancient ground.

Sonic peeked over, “Ah!” He was amazed to see two girls battling, one was..

“Amy!”

“Pfft. I’ll admit, she’s improved.” the girl rolled her eyes. Was that a hint of jealousy?

Amy rolled to dodge a girl holding a stick with two spiked knifes tied to the ends of it.

She got up quickly to duck from another swipe before the girl jabbed, and she had to lean away, holding her hammer with both hands.

“Woah!”

Her sensai watched safely away, placing a hand slowly on his staff. “…Focus… Right foot… now!” he muttered to himself, but Amy couldn’t hear him.

Amy leaped to the right side, as if dodging a hint that she was predicting. (He would have naturally hit her with his staff on her ankle if this was training so she’s used to expecting a staff hit xD)

She jumped from her hands and did a few back-flips, before positioning herself again and waiting…

Sonic was slightly confused. Amy’s one to charge in headstrong, but now she’s being..

patient?

She then saw the girl charging her, shouting out a battle cry, as Amy innocently looked up, and seemed calm before looking back down.

She jumped and did the splits, as the girl whammed her face into the wall behind her, and looped her hammer over a wall decoration.

She waited a second in the air for the girl to lean back, holding her face.

She then fell on the girl and whacked her out.

“Winner! The Reformed Rose!”

Amy got up and giggled, thinking the nickname funny since the first time she got here, and then looked up.

Her smile and waving completely halted, as her eyes fixated…

On her favorite shade of blue.

Her master looked confused, before following her eyesight with his own. He gasped, picking up his long stick. “Oh no.” he quickly rushed to where Sonic was.

Amy raced up with acrobatic skills to him.

While keeping her pace, her master kept looking over to her, worried. “Remember your training, remember your training!” he kept muttering, as finally they both made it up to the final wide ring of the arena, and Amy, in her monk attire, held the biggest open smile on her face, panting from her effort to get all the way up here after a battle like that.

Sonic stepped back, as the counter-girl just glared and ‘hmph’d, folding her eyes and giving Amy a snake-eye, then turning away.

“You’re so-called ‘boyfriend’ is here to take you away.” she left then, fanning her arrogant hand behind her.

Sonic hadn’t seen her in months, and this new look… she definitely had grown. Did he miss a birthday?

Her figure was more built, and her muscles, a bit a intimidating…

Amy was about to cry out his name, before her master whacked a stick to her head and she rubbed it hard, looking to him.

“Restrain yourself…” he eyed her cautiously, as if squinting a warning.

“This will be your final test of all your training. Fail it. And you will not be leaving this monastery.” he warned her, and slammed his staff’s end down, nodding his final statement.

“W-wai-wait a minute there…” Sonic held his hands out, as Amy’s whole body suddenly shifted to them, as if longing to be in them again…

“Uhh..” he held his hands back, seeing her reaction. He knew she’d have withdrawals… but not this bad. “I think we may have to change that ruling a bit.” Sonic scratched behind his head, then looked to Amy.

“Amy, Cream and the others have been worried sick about you.” he lightly spoke to her, arching his eyebrows back to show tenderness, and gesturing to try and entice her to come back. “We’ve all been wondering where you’ve been. Now that I’ve found ya, I plan on taking you back so they won’t have to miss you anymore.”

Amy was still fixated on the way he lovingly said her name, but then heard about her dear friends and looked shocked to hear that, before guilty and bending her ears down.

“Oh, S-”

“Ehem.”

Amy flinched, expecting a staff, but realized her master only gave her a light warning. She was forbidden to say his name…

“..My… friend.” she twitched an eye down, before taking a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. “I would love to go back. But I have to receive permission from my sensai.” she gestured lovingly to her master, who kept his eyes shut, but motioned his head up high, showing status.

“Your sensai?” Sonic narrowed his eyes to the old man, and folded his arms. “You mean this geezer with the long mustache and goatee?”

Like a statue, her master did nothing.

She freaked out though, bending her arms to guard herself but he did nothing to retaliate.

“You would do good in training somewhat in your mouths formation of words as well, boy.” He stuck a piece of his sticks cut off small branch into his ear, wiggling it around. “I could barely hear the insult you said.”

Sonic twitched an eyebrow, this man could dish one back just the same.

Sonic smiled though, liking the fight in him.

He was impressed and held out his hand. “Sonic. Sonic The Hedgehog.”

“I know who you are.” The man moved the hand to the side, before walking to the ring.

Sonic looked confused, before shrugging to Amy, who lightly nodded an apology before turning to her master.

“If you wish to truly see if you’ve mastered all I have to teach you… you must fight your love in the arena!” he spread his arms out, as the crowd suddenly hushed and the battle happening below stopped.

“W-what?!” Amy was shocked. “B-b-but Master!”

“Your speaking back!” He swung his stick into her gut, as she whinced a minute in pain before motioning her fingers around to harness any noise and keep it together.

“No, … M-master.”

“Hmph. Good.” He removed the stick and nodded.

“Amy!” Sonic’s hand went to her, but the master’s eyes shone with a spark and he hit them away from her.

“O-ow! Hey!” Sonic held his hands and glared at the old man. “You know, some could call this abuse!”

“Heh. He is your friend, isn’t he?” The man smiled, knowing she had said the same thing.

Amy got up, shaking a head to Sonic. “You can’t touch me. Cause I’m not allowed to touch you.”

Sonic’s head flung back to him. “W-what?” he blinked a moment, before trying to put to and to together. “Amy… you’re not.. a literal monk, are you?”

She flinched, “WHAT?! NO! I’m not a nun!”

“O-oh…phew~” He was glad he wasn’t THAT late…

“To the arena with you!” The master had skillfully maneuvered himself behind the two, and with one fell swoop of his staff, pushed the two off the ring as they fell towards the arena.

Amy used her hammer to help Sonic spin away, and then flipped and pushed off landings to roll down safely as well.

“Oh! Sonic are you al-!” She cupped her hands over her mouth, about to rush towards him before a staff thrust itself in front of her and stopped her progression.

She realized her mistake and bowed to it, before letting the access energy from Sonic’s presence being there out through training drills, punching around herself and shouting out battle cries before returning to inner peace…

“I am more than my affections… alright!” she prepared for battle. “If I can defeat you, S- I mean!” she shook her head. “My friend. Then I can go home with you!”

He was irritated that someone was forcing her to not even say his name. But then also pushing such limitations onto himself.

He cracked his knuckles, and started to stretch. “Very well, Amy. If I have to fight you, then I won’t go easy on ya.” He then smirked, getting ready. “But not being able to touch me won’t be very easy… I’m fast, you know.” he winked.

“Begin!”

He charged around her in a circle, and she closed her eyes to sense him, before swinging her hammer up to dodge a fast on-going, bullet frenzy of blue.

‘Heh, so she’s learned to listen and wait it out, huh?.’ Sonic looked amused, stopping then and then walking towards her.

“What else have you learned?”

She smiled, seeing he was having fun with this.

He jumped to fake a kick down, before swinging his other leg and hitting her to the side.

She caught herself quickly as he went for a punch, but was able to block and then slide her hammer under his ankle, pinning him and then looking apologetic.

“Sorry.” she squinted her eyes as she bonked him on the head.

“Ow! Ooohhh, almost missed that…” his eyes spun a moment, but he shook it out.

“Heh.” he reached up and grabbed her arms.

“Ah!”

Her master narrowed his eyes.

“Got’cha!” Sonic rolled back on his spine and kicked her over him, getting back up as the crowd cheered.

The sensation of Sonic holding her was a lot for Amy, even if it wasn’t a true ‘hold’ she still got up and tried to restrain herself.

“Okay… okay…” she took calming breathes and turned back around.

Sonic watched her struggle, and started getting upset.

What was wrong with Amy hugging him?

‘I’m more than my affections…’

She had said that, right?

He glared up at her master, who returned the look to him.

“What has he been teaching you…” Sonic lost trust then, even if the man had witty comebacks, if he had brainwashed his friend to believe that touching him or even saying his name was bad…

Unforgivable.

Amy, after seeing him not moving, decided to go for it.

She held her hammer high up by her shoulder, and leaped from one side ot the other, “Here I gooo!!!”

Sonic turned with a calm expression, looking seriously to her.

She suddenly saw him not move and halted her attack, stopping in front of him.

Her master rose his head, eyeing Sonic’s next move.

“S-So-I-I mean! Friend..?” she blinked her eyes, not sure what he was doing.

“Sonic.” He almost bit down on his teeth while saying it. “And I’m not playing this game anymore…”

He walked over to her, as she stepped back slightly, lowering her hammer.

“W-what are you-?”

He embraced her, and held her close.

The crowd gasped, as the master moved himself to the ring’s railing, and waited… patiently…

Amy’s whole being twitched.

She wanted to just smoother him with affection, kiss him over and over, and hold him tighter and tighter!

Her hands moved to hold him back, before stopping.

She had learned so much… about herself, love, and freedom… about inner peace and self-reliance.

She even learned that her own feelings could be managed, and that it’s better to discipline them than let them run amok.

She did touch him, but only to pull him away.

With a kind smile, she closed her eyes, and tilted her head. “I missed you too, Sonic. I’m glad I get to see you again.”

Her master jumped down as Sonic’s approving smile turned to a frown of protection, and he moved his hand over Amy and pulled her behind him.

“Amy’s coming with me!”

He walked forward, head down. “I know she is. Because she won.”

The two blinked for a moment.

“W-wha?” Sonic seemed more startled by that then Amy, as she moved passed his protective arm and over to her sensai, bowing low for him.

“Forgive me, Sensai.”

“No. You’ve done all I expected you to do.” he bowed to her, as the crowd gasped, and she leaned up, shocked.

“M-master!”

“You’ve conquered your emotions, tamed them, and held your being with dignity and every grace a woman can procure.” he leaned up, smiling kindly to her, showing he really did care for his pupil. “You’ve surprised me. Even with great temptation, you valued your new found strength and knowledge more than the cardinal demands of the body. You’ve mastered both body and spirit… and now, you’re heart.” he put his hands together, his staff resting on the crook of his arm, as if showing he wasn’t going to discipline her anymore.

“You may leave… with Sonic.” he nodded the permission of her to speak his name. “And even hug him if you’d like.”

Suddenly, Amy squee’d as all her energy burst from her, and she was about to tackle into Sonic. “SOONNICC-OOFFHP!”

His staff had masterfully slammed into her tailbone, as he glared a moment before pulling it back.

“Don’t let old habits own your new found success… Rose.”

“Y-..Yes, Sensai.” she realized he wasn’t going to let her slip on her training either.

The two left the wide, Asian gates as Amy left with her old red dress, but a sash around her waist with decorative beads hanging down one end of it, showing she was a master monk now. She giggled as it made her dress stick down, and then held Sonic’s arm.

“Shall we?”

Sonic smiled, before pulling her closer and seeming okay with the intimacy. He scratched his nose as some men from the tavern recognized him, and saw who he was with, and fled crying out for mercy.

Amy blinked her eyes in confusion, raising an eyebrow, before looking over to Sonic with suspicion.

He shrugged and chuckled nervously, before scooping her up and taking off.

“Ah! I missed this!” Amy cried out, as Sonic looked down, unamused.

“W-what?” she saw something was troubling him and wondered what on earth it could be. “too tight?” she loosened her hands from his neck, before completely moving them off. “S-sorry.” she looked away.

“…Not tight enough.” he motioned his head down, seeming upset.

Her smile grew wide, and she giggled as she put her arms back around him, and moved her head up. “Hehe, I think I like having you ask for it, now~” she cooed, winking to him as he rolled his eyes.

“I’ll admit. It’s nice to actually have you act grown up for once.”

“Why you-! Hmph!” she puffed up her cheek and looked away. “I don’t have to get angry at those foolish comments anymore.”

“Haha! I’m free! No more hammers!” he jumped and clicked his heels together.

“Oh, Sonic!”

“Say my name!”

“Sonic?”

“One more time!”

He giddily danced off as she laughed, chanting his name and clapping as he really did seem happy to have her back, new and improved, with some of her old habits still being wanted and liked, so it seemed~

“I appreciate the restraint. But you can still hug me.. j-just not randomly or in the middle of something… alright?”

“Now look whose making the rules…” Amy pouted.

“But no hard sticks included!”

They laughed.

(hope that’s what you wanted >w

[thevagabondlog]

Ive been staring at this blank page for an hour now. I haven’t written a shred of anything in close to a year, but I feel like the current set of circumstances right now dictate it. Hermes guides me. I haven’t even written a draft by hand like I normally do, Im just letting this come out and it feels great.

The last two, maybe even three years of my strange trip on this planet have been such a surreal high paced blur. Ive come to realize that I do too much in too short a time, too many places visited, people met, things done in the dead of night and the overwhelming heat of the day. A few strings busted, a few hearts broken. Nothing out of the ordinary except the fact that my address is still changing every month and I’m still getting lost daily, both in reality and in my mind. Not that I’d change it for the world. I don’t even know who exactly reads this garbage but if you still are, know this is going to be a long one. Ive got a lot on my mind, time is on my side and there’s nowhere I need to be.

Everyday in the Caribbean is incredibly hot and sticky. Every night is mysterious and romantic.

Writing this is simultaneously difficult and surprisingly easy. Its difficult to explain whats been shredding through my head the last few months or however bloody long. Since I last attempted to write, if you can call it that, Ive since been through a serious and drama filled breakup with my long term girlfriend back home, been to seven countries including South Africa ( more on that later ), morphed back into the older Joshua Palmer and basically been running a permanent anarchic riot around the world. As I write now, its once again a hot day in the Bahamas and my head is still swirling with Ricardo Black Rum from the previous night. Special Edition, of course.

Church of the Open Sky.

April 5 - April 26, three weeks back in the motherland after more than a year and a half overseas. A lot of expectations held, almost none of them met. Im not quite sure why, but looking back now in June I realize i didn’t enjoy my stay there at all. Highlights include seeing my parents again (they wept) and one or two close friends who I’m not even sure are still friends at this stage. I came to realize I hate most of the people that fill up my tiny coastal hometown, largely due to the fact that they’re all hypocritical judgmental small minded people who have never been anywhere farther than the gas station in the next town. Keep in mind that these are the same people that said I’d never amount to anything and Id be back home after a month of failed traveling searching for a job running a yacht. Choke on your words. Anyhow, I also got told numerous times that I’d changed completely, becoming much more ‘arrogant’, ‘rude’, ‘insensitive’ etc to the people around me. I suppose in a way I was, but then everyone back in that place is easily offended and so narrow minded it makes me want to shoot myself. I suppose Im much happier over here, on my own and fending for myself, in foreign countries where I don’t know anyone, and all I know is where North-East is. The entire time I was back there, I couldn’t wait to come back to the West Indies. It feels good getting these thoughts down, they’ve been bouncing around my head for too long now.

I was dancing with some girl in a club a month or two ago and in-between reggaetron and soca she asked me a question no one has ever asked before: “Where do you consider home?” I really don’t know. Definitely not back in my hometown, I don’t plan on setting foot in that place for another twenty years at least. Its not on the boat either, nor on any of the islands. Id have to say home is wherever I feel alive the most. Which just so happens to be fifteen feet underwater looking up.

May 4 - Twentieth birthday in Georgetown, Exumas, Bahamas. Largely uneventful, frankly boring and unsatisfying. Mind you I was working at the time so of course the celebrations were minimal to non existent.

January 2017 - Current.

Adopted really strange sleeping patterns similar to a Russian insomniac writer fighting his bouts of suicidal depression with vodka and pharmaceuticals. I don’t know what this stems from other than my erratic lifestyle of mainly working onboard the entire day and still getting drunk at local bars into the early hours of every new day.

Right now its summer and every heat wave day is longer than the last.

I have lost interest in a lot of people who I once thought important. I do not know if this is selfish on my part or all just part of moving around constantly, or just one of those things you deal with as you get older. I have been told numerous times that I’m not going to make it past thirty, and for some reason or other I’m embracing the thought. Go out in a strange and mysterious accident of sorts somewhere out at sea, that place that once gave birth to me. Ill let you know.

For the past few weeks I have also had these increasingly frequent urges to just pack up, delete my Facebook and go completely off the grid, getting lost in strange and exotic foreign places. Lawrence of Arabia in Morocco. Not knowing the unknown is turning me on more and more everyday, as well as the idea of just giving the finger to all the people back home who are getting married young, stuck in nine-to-fives that they hate, and coming home to deal with the mortgage and car insurance people. I left the country the first time with no actual plan, one bag and sixty dollars in my pocket and I don’t regret a single moment. And I don't mean all those cliche travel pictures and utter bullshit you see on social media telling you to just ‘pack up and go’, I mean actually deserting myself. Exile on Main St. Highway Child. Midnight Rambler.

The lust for this has never been greater. I keep asking myself just what is holding me back?

My biggest fear is living a life just like everyone else, a life that no one remembers. Why should I listen to any authority or second guess myself? Time will tell and hopefully sooner or later. And if I’m not mistaken, and I surely hope not, I may have found someone to do it with. A woman unlike anyone else Ive met or ever known before. A woman who, somehow exceeds everything I think about her constantly and is basically the exact fibre of my dream girl since I was fifteen. Physically outrageous, a beautiful figure. Mentally, she keeps me on my toes only because I hope to somehow match her standards. Well travelled and with such an eerily alike mind to my own its more than possible we were once together in an earlier life. My best efforts of a description is a glorious hybrid of a gypsy, voodoo witch, mermaid, and the Goddess Aphrodite all in one. With a sprinkling of a rebellious 1960’s mindset which only turns me on further. Making love to her only broke my mind in two and made me question everything. She’s everything I ever wanted from every rock and roll song Ive listened to, and she’s in all of them. And believe it or not I only knew her for three days before she flew off again, once more traveling. While Im starting to feel a little stuck in this place. Most would say Im crazy, but I already knew that.

I do wonder what, and how exactly she’s had such an effect on me. It makes me look back at every other girl I’ve ever been with and realize that they do not even come close to her or the psycho-electric effect she has on me. And if you know me, you’d know I dont feel like this to anyone, ever. She’s touched me deep down, and the next few months or years or whatever only promise to be very exciting.

Im trying, and not succeeding very well, to look back at everything over the past few months and years, if you couldn’t tell by now. How many people did I meet for five minutes and never see again? Friends or lovers for one night and then gone the next day never to be seen? I look at what all my ‘friends’ are doing back home, studying in their first or second year. My best friend living with his fiancee and hating every second, constant fighting and the such but too scared to leave because he believes he loves her and well, believes he cant do any better. In love with the security and constant hard work I suppose. A friend through the grapevine told me recently that he has lost respect for me and hates the lifestyle I live. I wont lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt or taken aback. We’ve spent four years together, done much, and always confided in one another. Is he jealous of the knowledge that Im traveling the world, free and easy, able to go to the bar every night and dance with exotic girls while he is forced to come home after work to a nagging unloving bitch that makes his life hell? He would never admit that. Im not scared to tell it exactly how it is though. Another trait passed on to me from my father, whom I miss so.

If I had never made the decision to leave all those months ago would I be in the same position as my friend right now? Maybe. More than likely, I was in a long term relationship with someone I thought I loved, about to get sucked into that domesticated world before I jumped ship. Haven’t seen her since actually. Thanks for the memories girl, but you weren’t for me.

Life would be very different and it would bore me to death. I prefer dying in other ways in places where no one understands English.

Now my thoughts go back to my unbiological sister, we once were very close. Always looking after one another, often mistaken to be a couple but not. I thought I was in love with her too, but she’s changed so dramatically in the time I was away I hardly recognized her anymore during my homecoming visit. She lied to me many times in those three weeks, thinking I wouldn’t find out, and probably still thinking Im ignorant. Makes me wonder why we are like we are. She told me I changed a lot too and I’m no longer the Josh she knew, that I’ve grown cold and distant. Well look at yourself babe, can you really blame me? Its only further cemented my belief that you need to keep moving forward in such a way that they will never trap you or hold you down, until finally you find someone that you want to be trapped with. You know who you are.

“I thought you needed my lovin’, But it’s my heart that you stole. I thought you wanted my money, But you plundered my soul.”

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[samanthasroberts]

The Great Dying: Happiness Comes on Day Five

My family has come to Hawaii.

Hawaii, like an aging model, is still gorgeousjust sometimes in a fragile, wasted way.

My parents were here a long time ago; they came on their honeymoon, back in the Old World times. They bought a hotel-and-airfare package to Honolulu. They went scuba diving in the coral reefs and touched real rays and even one dolphin, they said.

Of course thats not an option anymore, but you can snorkel all you like in fiberglass reefs stocked with colorful farmed parrotfish and now and then a robot shark.

I love the parrotfishs bulgy, fat lips.

Lydia Millet

About

Lydia Millet is an American novelist and conservationist. Her third novel, My Happy Life, won the 2003 PEN Center USA Award for fiction, and she has been a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize as well as a Guggenheim fellow. Her newest novel for young readers, The Bodies of the Ancients, comes out in January. The Great Dying is adapted from her YA book Pills and Starships, published by Akashic.

Back then, they ate at restaurants with views of sparkling aqua-blue bays; they went to luaus and drank fancy drinks with paper umbrellas. (We still have those; some of them have my parents names printed on them, from a honeymoon party that was held for them. robert & sara, says the faded writing, hawaii, may 2068.) They took small trips to the other islands, even the one that used to be a leper colony.

These days Honolulu and most of Oahu are seawall and salty aquifers and long, long blocks of abandoned buildings.

But they wanted Hawaii anyway. They were nostalgic. So this time we came to the Big Island, where were staying in a hotel with a view of Mauna Kea. Ive seen pictures of it from way back when, white at the top and majestic. Theres never snow anymore, even at 14,000 feet, but the volcano still looms.

Its just the four of us: my mother and my father, my little brother, and me. Its the four of us here for our last week.

A week is the period the companies usually suggest, once you finalize dates. Any longer and customers can get morbid, or even, if they decide to refuse their pharma, hysterical. And then the whole thing collapses. Any shorter and theres not enough time for good-byes.

My parents arent even that old. My mother had me in her late sixties, and two years later she had Samand though theyre vigorous and healthy on a physical level, on an emotional level theyve decided theyre done.

This would be harder without the training we did at home, without the pharma regimen they have us on. Even with those tools its still intense and vibrant, and everything seems inflected with meaning. Cursed with meaning, almost. Meaning attaches itself to everyday objectstoothbrushes, swimsuits, dangly earrings. Here in the hotel suite, I look at these normal items and everything seems like it portends something.

We just got here and already were on the brink of tears at times, or at least my mother and I are. My father and Sam are trying to act stoic, though now and then I catch one of their hands or a bottom lip trembling.

Meanwhile the edges of objects glow, blur, and fade as I look at them. They all seem permeable or aliveas though the aliveness of objects is there to compensate for my parents being ready to die.

I dont think its the pharma thats doing it, either. Sam and I arent even on a full pill regimen yet. On Day Four well have the option of a powerful tranquilizing blend: Thats Good-Bye Day. They like the contract holders to have their memories intact to say good-bye, because the fifth days pharmathe last pharmacauses forgetfulness. It brings on a long-term memory loss that wipes all memories associated with trauma, so they go out happy.

Happiness comes on Day Five.

Its early afternoon. My parents and my brother have gone out for a walk, and from the balcony of our suite I can see them strolling, their light clothes flapping in the breeze off the ocean, on a trail along the high jagged bluffs.

They carry umbrellas that protect them from the sun but also hide their faces from me. They could be anyone.

The bluffs were well engineered and have been planted to look wild, in a fake way. There are scrubby bushes from the desert, South American cacti and Chinese beach roses (according to the brochure) and even, now and then, dune grasses and sand. They hide the concrete seawall beneath the artificial bluffs so that you dont have to remember where you are or whenso you can almost forget youre not in Old Hawaii. Forget, in other words, that youre living at the tiny tail end of the fire-breathing dragon of our history.

The company my parents chose is a midsize outfit that likes to boast how it hires locals. So our rep, when it came down to it, was a lady my mother had once played golf with.

My mother isnt the golf type at all, by the way. She barely knows how to play, but one time she competed in a small-golf game for charityits mostly small golf these days, unless you have huge money to throw away on travel to one of the big courses, plus water-use finesand because she had a good sense of humor, at least till recently, she was basically the comic relief, I think.

But that one day was when she first met the rep, Jean.

Jean showed up at our apartment a couple of months ago, in the hour before dinnertime when we usually hang out together and talk about our day and stuff. The four of us were drinking cocktails in the living room. Being 15, Sam doesnt drink that much yet, but my mother had offered him a junior can of wheat beer.

And there she was at the doora compact, middle-aged woman from the 10th floor, frosted hair, braided wedge heels. Id seen her in the elevator once or twice.

This is Jean, said my mother softly. Jean, these are our children, Nat and Sam.

My name is Natalie, but I go by Nat.

The woman smiled and sat down and looked at us with a gentle but still oddly businesslike expression.

Your parents thought it might be good to have me here is how she started in.

Sam looked up right away. Hed been reading off his device.

Youre service, he said flatly.

I do work with a service company, said Jean.

She didnt miss a beat and didnt seem awkward; she had a forthright attitude without being domineering.

Youre the counselor, or whatever they call them, said Sam.

Im coordinating the personal aspect of outreach, conceded Jean.

On the contract we purchased recently, put in my mother, soft-voiced. Mine and your fathers.

Sam picked up his beer and drank most of the rest of it, a flush rising on his skin.

I had been sitting at the bay window, looking out over the garden. Our apartment complex was nice, with trees and water features and little striped chipmunks, because chipmunks always poll higher than squirrels.

Anyway, I liked to drink and take in the view.

But then, without really noticing my own movement, I turned so I was facing the room, my back against the view of the trees. In the pit of my stomach was a heavy new stone. At the same time my arms and legs felt light and liquid, like the bones in them had softened.

Why didnt you tell me? was the thing I said.

Were telling you now, sweetheart, said my mother, coming to sit beside me on the ledge. She put one arm around my shoulders. Its all according to schedule. The timing is what they recommend.

They encourage the parents not to get emotive when theyre disclosing. It only makes things worse. So my mother sat there next to me, her arm on my shoulders light, keeping a kind of professional attitude. With her free hand, she shook the cubes in her glass and raised it to drink.

My father stood facing us all with his tumbler of whiskey. His face bore a kind, bemused expression, as it used to when Sam or I would cry and he had no idea how to stop it.

You can still take it back, said Sam, with a kind of hurt urgency. Please, MomDad! Take it back!

Honey, said my mother, we dont want to. Or maybe a better way to say it is that we weve lived for you two ever since the tipping point, sweetheart. Youve been whats kept us going.

The tipping point was when we couldnt do anything more to stop the planets runaway warming. There were feedback loops in the climate system, like the albedo effect and water vapor increase in the atmosphere and plankton die-off in the oceans. So even though wed stopped emitting so much carbon and methane, we couldnt stop the seas or the temperature from rising. At least for a few centuries.

Both of you are practically grown up, said my mother. And when it comes right down to it, you dont really need usnot in the day-to-day sense. You think you do, maybe. But we know deep down that you can take care of yourselves. And you will.

You cant say what were feeling, said Sam, shaking his head. Only what you are.

It helps, for peace of mind, said Jean to Sam, if you keep argumentation for later. During this encounter, this time of disclosure, weve found that what allows for peacefulness is just listening.

Fuck listening! said Sam.

He was bright redlike someone had dealt him two slaps, one on each cheek.

And really, went on Jean calmly, as though he hadnt said anything, theres no rush here. Theres plenty of time. Remember, all contracts are voidable right up until the end. So theres absolutely nothing to make you nervous.

She didnt mention what we all knew: that theres a stiff financial penalty for last-minute cancellations. She didnt need to. My parents knew a couple whod canceled just five hours before their contract was about to start, but at that point it cost like 90 percent of the full price. And they ended up buying a new contract a couple of months later. That meant less money for the survivorsa tainted legacy.

But youre doing so well, begged Sam, turning to my mother.

I felt frozen.

Youre doing really well, youve got your moods well stabilized lately, he added.

No, yeah, son, said my father. Well were not too bad off. Were not personally complaining. We feel so lucky, compared to lots of people. No question. And you knowits not any one big thing. You know? Its not a dramatic situation, theres no particular, exact catalyst here. But we feel like, for one, heywhy not quit while were still ahead? You know, leave while weve got our health. And theres still no impairment. We all saw how Mamie got after she passed 100.

Youll be all right. You have such great resilience, added my mother. Wewe think youre very strong.

Oh please, said Sam.

Try to see it from our point of view, my father said. When we were young, there were still big animals swimming all over the oceans. The rivers and the forests had all this life in them, not just the squirrels and pigeons. You could go anywhere in the worldwe drove a gas-burning car when we were young. We flew on huge airplanes. Whenever we wanted to!

My parents keep thinking, somehow, that one day well hear about how different the world used to be and for the first time well understand them.

But isnt the world always different for the kids than it was for the parents? Sure, maybe its more different now. We get it.

But this is the only world we ever knew.

For Old World people like us, you know, said my mother, weve had as much as we can take of seeing everything go away. And we dont think we can bear towhat happens if, if it keeps going how we think it will.

Of course, we hope and pray it wont, said my father staunchly, tossing back the last of his whiskey. We figure, go early, while everythingswhile theres still hope. You know.

But I knew what he wasnt saying: They couldnt stand to see our future. They couldnt stand to watch us struggle.

Its never an easy decision, put in Jean.

Not helpful, I thought.

But then, the companies put the counselors in the room partly to deflect the family members feelings. Or fears and tears, as they say.

Your mother is so tired, Sam, said my father. He was fiddling with a pile of black and green olives on a tray. The olives were stacked in a pyramid, like in a picture Id once seen of ancient cannonballs. They should have been a tipoff that this was a special occasion, so to speak, because olives arent the kind of food we get every day. We both are, if Im perfectly honest, he added.

We sat there for a while, not knowing what to say.

Eventually Jean suggested we take a walk outside, through the courtyards of the complex. Walks are popular with service companies. Low-cost momentum, I guess, and a natural mood boost.

So we prepared ourselves fresh drinks, mostly in awkward silence, and took them with us into the elevator. We gazed outside as the car descended.

The elevators in our complex are external and made of a shaded glass, so you can see the sky and then the buildings below it, and as you drop, the trees in the courtyard come up to meet you.

Down through the green canopy, down along the tree trunks. Finally we landed facing the rock gardens, the fountains and splashing waterfalls of perfectly reclaimed sewage.

What a nice evening, said my mother, and we looked up dutifully at the fading bands of red and yellow in the western sky.

One thing we do have, in the New World, is beautiful sunsets.

I think what put my parents over the edge was a trip they took a few months ago, a light-rail weekender to the place where my father grew up. It wasnt a coastal town in the strict senseit wasnt right on the beachbut it was on a river delta, maybe 20 miles from where the true coast used to be. When the first storm surges came that couldnt be stopped by seawalls, the town got an influx of coastal refugees. Wave after wave followed, though most of the people didnt stay. Back then they were migrating to places like Ogallala, with fertile land or thick forests. If you look at an old map animation, you can see the masses moving away from the coasts, inward and upward from New York and Florida, from Southern California and the dying cities of the desertLas Vegas and Phoenix, say. The animations look like storms or vast, sky-darkening flocks of birds.

Sometimes, at home, I take a mild mood softener, sit at my screen, and gaze at the animations dreamily. You can customize them to show whatever details you wantthe continent shrinking as the oceans rise plus the massive migrations. I also like to watch the building of the seawalls. You see the swamping of Cape Cod, the swallowing up of the Florida Keys. Islands all over the oceans contract to the size of pinheads, then vanish. You can zoom way out and watch the planet rotate, see the surges of ocean that followed the melting of the ice.

Theres something lovely about it, lovely like Eno or Mozart, thoughespecially without pharmait can be sad.

Anyway, my fathers hometown had been leveled by the waves of refugee camps. Nothing was left of the houses and gardens of his leafy street, the school he walked to holding his younger brothers hand, the swing sets and climbing gyms at the park where he played. All that was gonethe whole town had turned to tent cities and landfills and fields of composting toilets.

My dads baby brother died a while back, a do-it-yourself deal. He hated the service companies. So other than us, my dad has no family left.

For a while after that weekend trip, he and my mother were so quiet that sometimes we forgot they were there.

Before we left for Hawaii, my parents helped Sam and me move to a group facility for survivors who arent old enough to live alone. The two of us will go back there after the trip, to live for a few months till I turn 18.

Then, the morning we left, Sam and I picked them up to catch the boat that brought us here. That was the worst. The apartment where we had lived was bare. Their luggage stood in a neat row against the wall, small cases packed with only bedrolls, some toiletries, and a few clothes. It was a shock to see the sterile whiteness of what used to be home.

Well, said my mother, turning back to cast a glance at the empty living room as we were filing out the front door, good-bye, everything.

Sams coming up the path again toward the hotel building, so close hes almost beneath meI see the circle of his shiny white umbrella. My parents arent with him. I squint: I can still see the two of them, out at the edge of the cliff.

The oceans turning anoxic, scientists say. Its what happened 250 million years ago in the Great Dying, otherwise known as the P-T extinction eventthe biggest mass die-off in Earths history. And now its happening again. The seawaters turned more acid from the carbon its storing, so the ocean food chain has mostly collapsed. Big burps of methane are bubbling out of the water along the continental shelves.

Where there used to be corals and whales and sea lions and seahorses, now theres mostly bacteria and archaea and viruses. The odd school of mutated jellyfish. Plus the garbage vortex and the chemical streams.

But still, Mom and Dad stand at the edge of the bluff, their arms around each others waists, and look out over the faraway waves like anything could be therelike those waves might still be the glittering roof of a marvelous underwater country.

The Fiction Issue

Tales From an Uncertain Future

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/14/the-great-dying-happiness-comes-on-day-five/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/11/14/the-great-dying-happiness-comes-on-day-five/

[crimsonscarlettsuniverse-blog]

I think Im ready for it

 I’ve watched the video several times and listened to the song dozens more, I think Ive got the song meaning and video figured out. Hear me out on my Swiftspiracy..... So the sound has a much different sound that the rest of Taylors music, this new album is a big separation from the previous Taylor we’ve heard. It starts hard, and its very easy to get caught up in it waiting for “the drop”. But the WORDS, OMG. Heres my breakdown of the lyrics, I left some out that I still havent pieced together. Some may contain snippets from the video, but I break the video down at the end.

“Wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom Holdin' him for ransom”

Here we have the player. But the ghost and phantom. It took me a bit to get it, but shes basically saying that if hes known for being the guy thats never there, two can play at that game and she can be his counterpart. A tete-a-tete. BAM two can play at that game. She can have him holding on to her every word as well.

“Some, some boys are tryin' too hard He don't try at all, though” This guy is used to the girls flocking to him, probably. He doesnt try, he doesnt have to- usually. “I-I-I see how this is gon' go Touch me and you'll never be alone I-Island breeze and lights down low No one has to know”

Here, she knows that she wont get enough of him. This is where it gets a bit befuddled. Listening to it, you dont catch it, but “Touch me and youll never be alone- No one has to know.” IS NOT TAYLOR. This is the mysterious boy-toy. Hes saying he wont leave her and nobody has to know about them. Its their secret love affair. That last lines pretty straight forward. NOW MY FAVORITE PART!!!!!

“In the middle of the night, in my dreams You should see the things we do, baby In the middle of the night, in my dreams I know I'm gonna be with you So I take my time Are you ready for it?” She dreams of this guy. She cant have these feelings for him, she knows it because what they have is supposed to be a casual thing. Hense the hardness in the beginning, its her fascade that shes game for this, and she may actually be cool with it- at first. This part is soft and intimate because not only does it sound fabulous and show her vocals, BUT this is the inner Taylor and you see that in the video. The video showcases her in a glass box “naked” (hello bodysuit), the most vulnerable anyone can be. This is the Taylor nobody sees, the one we can only speculate into our own multifaceted idea of what she may be like. In her dreams shes with him, and in there shes safe to play out any fantasy she wants, like saying she loves him or having a normal romance most likely. She knows she can have him in her literal dreams. Then she goes back to being hard because she knows he would never be ready for it. “Me, I was a robber first time that he saw me Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist And we'll move to an island-and And he can be my jailer, Burton to this Taylor” They can play this game together of being heart breakers together. She even mentions Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton- one of Elizabeths many husbands. Their relationship was controversial and scandalous. (Fun fact: Elizabeth and Richard were both married when they met on the set of Cleopatra. Eventually the two got married TWO separate times together.) This makes me imagine that both couples have semi parallel love histories with the many ex-lovers and on and off relationships. “Every lover known in comparison is a failure I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now Never be the same now, now” This guy is an enigma and surpasses anyone she had ever been with. So all in all we see shes with someone and putting on a good front while internally struggling with being with someone whos not available emotionally. She thinks she can handle it but inside, girls falling, and hard.

NOW the video.

Shes walking through a corridor and we see she has robotic eyes, this really gives you the feel like since shes a robot she has no emotional capabilities. Perfect for this part of the song. Robo Taylor walks up to a clear box with the humanized Taylor. Human Taylor steps forward and stands in a very dutiful way. The pose looked to me like a “What can I do for you today Ms. Swift”, sort of how Id imagine a brain would maybe stand when confronted with a question. The camera goes behind Robo Taylor, and on the other side Human Taylor is showing that shes an organic organism. After that she proceeds to speak about how shes a heart breaker and this makes her MAD. Human T turns her shell into a weapon. 

I-I-I see how this is gon' go Touch me and you'll never be alone I-Island breeze and lights down low No one has to know

This time Humanized Taylor sits upon a white horse, Some have said its remincesint of Blank Space. It is possible but I disagree. Since this album, particularly the video Look What You Made Me Do features very popular “old” Taylors, I question if this isnt from White Horse the song from Album. If it were, itd fit PERFECTLY. As a white horse she is reminding Robo Taylor that this isnt going to end well. That she will fall for him despite trying to keep her heart at a distance.

“Maybe I was naive, Got lost in your eyes And never really had a chance My mistake I didn't know to be in love You had to fight to have the upper hand I had so many dreams About you and me Happy endings Now I know..... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it's too late for you And your white horse, to come around” Even though Taylor has grown she is still a romantic at heart and dreams of the fairy tale. This hard world has shoved her into ditching that idea. Human Taylor gets caught up in the fairy tale and floats around in this glass box. Thats when Robo Taylor goes, nope. And shuts her down. Human T falls to the ground. The two are against each other-naturally. Robo T cant have that heart and mind running away when shes trying to play it cool.  “ Baby, let the games begin Let the games begin Let the games begin Baby, let the games begin Let the games begin Let the games begin “ Both Taylors are at odds and shes singing to each other. Screw the boy, the game is against herself now. Human T cant be running away in love, but Robo T cant expect to keep up this facade forever. Someones going to get hurt. Human Taylor is mad, she wants to be free from this box. She wants to express who she really is. Electricity just takes over and lightning is everywhere. But Robo Taylor is intrigued. Human Taylor calms herself and they meet at the glass. She can play nice ;) Both Taylors meet at the glass and touch hand to hand. Thats when they unify. Human Taylor uses her force and breaks the glass, the shards go flying tearing bits and pieces off of robot Taylors face. She cant hide it anymore. | Human Taylor is free, and is in wonderland with the freedom. Her powers destroy the robots everywhere, but you notice on the stairway it says, “Theyre burning all the witches”. This could mean many things but for this narrative, the robots believe the humans are witches, they hold power with their emotions. She stands triumphant at the top of the escalators. They zoom in on her face, her eyes turn robotic and she sheds a tear. This leads me to believe that human Taylor was in that box for her safety. Remember in the very beginning there was a blip shot of robot spiders moving around in small spaces? Well there was, if you missed it. Those robot spiders were a parasite. Theyve infected the Human Taylor and she will become emotionless. The Old Taylor is DEAD. Or if you want a more cheery idea, the two Taylors live together in harmony (sorta). You cant let emotions get the best of you and you cant be hard and emotionless. Thats my EXTREMELY long breakdown of the Taylor Swift Ready For it song and video. Its all over the place and if you even got halfway through it, thanks. :p @taylorswift