#maybe its my fault for bystanding

[gaymollusc]

“feeling like shit just i just want them back” but its friends that are well alive

[bluginkgo]

Ep 8 Theories

With the series finale come my last minute theories and thoughts regarding the episode and what could be going on towards the end of the episode.

Spoilers, duh

I'll be trying to stick with how the episode played out, might occasionally end up jumping around though. I have heard plenty of rather negative/disappointed thoughts regarding the ep. Overall, I'm very happy with how it ended- yes there are a couple issues, but I don't think they took away from the main idea. Most of my theories will mirror that.

First being, V is alive! The queen returned in the best and coolest way possible. Couple things here.

I do wonder if V was more than suspicious of Tessa and her identity. So in the end, chose to not go with them on purpose- fake her death, and see how the rest goes.

Something that was on the sentinel's part/fault, they didn't actually boot loop her, giving her a higher chance of escape. Rather unsatisfying explanation to some, but to me, it is more than enough. The sentinels have less knowledge/programming made by humans, and it was already seen that V could overpower one of the sentinels. Seeing as they are a pack running team, seeing that defeat might have just turned those tides. A bit of a silly thought, but silly is this show and the reason I love it.

The biggest thing that had me confused was this. Perhaps I'm slow- and I am- but I had to think about what possible promise the Absolute Solver could have made and later tricked her instead. That would probably have to go all the way back to ep5:

"You will not have to discard your pets, and I will not discard you."

In a way, this line was aimed both at Tessa and J- who was simply a bystander. The Absolute Solver kind of promised not to get rid of Tessa, someone that J seemed to have a close connection with. Technically, the AS never got "rid off" Tessa, simply repurposed her just like all of the WD in the mansion to become DDs. Perhaps there was a background deal between AS and J that included the promise of leaving Tessa alone, or doing something for the AS and being freed from its control after. Either way, the AS broke that promise and J simply gave up. She chose to side with the "winning side" and lost all of her fighting spirit and reason to be. Perhaps that is why during the fight, she simply never returned. We saw J being tossed into a crevice and that was all- before her returning in the credits rebuilding the ship. When the tide changed, she didn't see a reason to keep on fighting alongside the AS and dipped out of her shift.

The comment of "I never needed either of you." also made me wonder if this also implied that all J needed was Tessa. Someone of higher authority to tell her what to do and which orders to follow. J never needed friends, only a boss that oversaw them all in an orderly manner. But then again, that's just my thought, in no way a concrete theory.

Less of a theory and more of a observation. Seems that a lot more of N's memories were wiped slowly one by one, and this would be one of the reasons as to why. If the AS wanted the team to retain their personalities, it would need to get rid of the things that could traumatize the team and therefore change how they behaved- especially seen with N. He seemed to always have the least amount of memories from the past, surprising until you see that maybe this was because he woke up during the transferring process between WD and DD. That would completely change how he behaved, his core personality would be gone- the one that the AS got so attached to.

A call back from ep4: "We do our jobs, and that thing leaves us alone." Perhaps V and AS also had a deal. Because they all retained their personalities, and at first maybe their memories as well- before the CYN administration started to delete them- V could also make a deal with the AS for her and N's freedom. The deal was broken, V chose to raise her sword against Cynessa entity instead which irked the AS. An attempt was made on V's side to salvage the moment, perhaps to say that she could still finish the overall job, choose the "winning team" as according to J earlier in the ep. Of course, that didn't work.

Gotta give it to my tired and sick brain, I couldn't figure out what Uzi meant by "Just me in here." Nor how Uzi was even able to start fighting the AS control unlike in ep7. What changed? Well Uzi, herself said it, "You don't fricking own me." Uzi's personality and desires was something that the AS could never use for its own gain. Unlike with Cyn- who did not want to be discarded- Uzi didn't really have any wishes and desires that the AS could fulfill/poach. Yes, in ep4 Uzi was often forgotten by her classmates and seemed to want to hang out with them all as well. "So glad you fit right in. Super cool-" is what she told V. She wished to fit in at some point in time. The AS took that thought and said, "'aight I got this. To fit in/make sure N doesn't leave her Imma just get rid of the obstacles!" in a very AS way. The snap that occurred between ep7 and ep8 was Uzi's dislike of being "owned" by something. She's always prided herself in being her own drone, with her own personality and character. The AS constantly wants that control, to be able to move its puppets as it wishes. Once Uzi said "no" to it once, it gets easier to say "no" to it again and again- because the method is always the same. The callback ping stops working and instead Uzi takes the control.

So, the Solver of the Absolute Fabric, the Void, the Exponential End is this. It has a final form that always resided in Cyn. It appears that Nori knew this as well, because she made a comment of:

"The Solver needs a host- destroy Cyn's heart."

The AS's final form is a black hole, much like those that the Solver drones have been able to create. Except in Cyn's case, the form of the AS is much bigger and more grand. Cyn's core behaved a lot like how J's core did back in ep2

All of her parts became miniature black holes before floating away off of the screen. Perhaps each drone that has some form of the AS in it- be it a DD or a Solver drone- will eventually become this. Hinting at the fact that if N and V were to die, their cores would become small black holes. In Nori's case, something similar would happen as well, if the core was to be destroyed. In Uzi's case, if her core is destroyed, the size of the black hole would be similar if not bigger than the one we saw in ep8 from Cyn. Depending on how much control the AS has in the drone, the bigger/smaller the black hole will be post core death.

Now as for the end. The ending I'm actually fine with. It's very open ended, leaving it to us to figure out the truth and the lies. For us, the viewers, to fill in the holes that may be left and choose where the story goes from there. Some may take the path of: this is all a lie, none of the things post Uzi integrating with the AS is real, others may take the route of the happy ending and that everyone figures out how to live on. I'm more with the happy ending gang.

The ending doesn't solve anything though. Much like how the image says "I'm not solved" the problem was never solved. The AS still exists and at best, what Uzi did was put the whole kill all of the universes thing on a pause. But here's where I give the one and only thing I have a gripe about regarding this episode:

The moment between N running to check on Uzi to Uzi waking up where everything is destroyed. Half of the confusion regarding the ending of the series and many disappointments I see stem from this scene alone. Because it's so sudden and rough that it makes the episode feel rushed. I expected the entire episode to be a big fight and then leaving about 5 minutes for the ending/denouement- that's generally how these sorts of animations go. My issue is with that scene and the rough transition. What could have helped, I think, was to have 2-3 minutes of Uzi chatting with the AS directly. Doesn't need to be anything grand- put her and the AS in a black plane/mindscape and have them chat. About why the AS is still even fighting, and make a deal/truce with each other showcasing the reasoning behind the integration/fusion of Uzi and the AS at a much better pace. Then, have her wake up with the Fatal Error, continue on with the ending. Granted, this method would take away from the suspense and tension feeling that was originally felt when we saw Uzi with the "Fatal Error" on her visor. Furthermore, the surprise that we felt when we first saw Uzi's eyes.

Another theory as to the possible sudden/rough transition would actually be this. When Uzi imploded the planet for the umpteenth time in the episode, the things that were surrounding her slowly started to go back up- much like they did when Cyn was calling for the second core collapse. Perhaps her actions, in fact, did cause the core collapse and then yeeting her into god knows where like Nori and Yeva in the past. All the while this was happening, the AS integrated with Uzi. But because Uzi is much stronger now- mentally and physically- the AS couldn't take complete control like it did with Cyn. Instead, it was a partial fusion of the two entities. Giving Uzi the extra solver powers seen with Cyn, but keeping her personality intact instead of the AS exploiting it like it did with Cyn.

Finally, my take on what the hell is happening with the post credit scene. I've seen a lot of people take this scene in the way that Uzi is living in a simulated ending. They never actually won, and the AS simply created an entire illusion of a happy ending just for her to cope better. Here's the problem with that theory:

Cyn was known for being able to switch between all of these forms without needing to lose her original body. The AS is now integrated into Uzi and has given her the power to do the same thing Cyn was capable of doing. "But Ginkgo, why does Uzi seem so tired then? And why show the empty halls?" To be for real, if I had a little tail that would constantly spout that I look good in a bow and other comments, I would be tired too. Regarding the hallway, depending on time of day could mean how many drones are out and about. In ep2, it was shown that a lot of places become deserted when it's not being used, same applies to the school. Furthermore, a small idea just came to mind, maybe hiding the AS parts of herself takes a lot of energy and makes Uzi tired. When the drones are all gone- the ones that are at least afraid of her- she could let that mask slip, thus glitching out occasionally and dipping into the other forms.

Overall, I genuinely enjoyed the episode and was really sad to see the series come to the end- still coming to terms with it really. While the ending is very open ended and gives a great opportunity for season 2 to pick from, I wouldn't be upset if there is no S2. If they ever did announce there was one, I'd be really happy, but if there isn't that's alright as well. Liam did a wonderful job with tying the story off, open ended for us to play around with and continue the journey of these characters in a way that makes us happy.

Glitch stated that they have some things they'll be using N and Uzi for, my gamble is they will mostly likely return for events- Glitch Inn, promotion of products, GlitchX, etc. What I would love to see is little snippet episodes of little shenanigans they might get up to. Post canon mini episodes if you will.

Most of these "theories" don't match up to some older ones I may have done, but when something comes to an end, there isn't much to theorize about in the future. Plus I've been under the weather for a little while TwT So I don't have many braincells online currently. But thanks for seeing through these last "theories" and thoughts I had. Maybe in the future, if I come up with some other insane idea I'll share it. Until then, I'll be seeing you later >:3

Have a cookie for getting through all of this bs XD 🍪

[lilbirdblu]

obligatory disclaimer to all the "its just mc eggs its not that deep" people that this is about characters. we are allowed to post character analysis, even ones that arent positive, about fictional characters no matter what medium theyre from. this is 10000% about the characters, not the admins and there are moments i may not know about since i cant watch every pov but heres my thoughts on the sunny/leo "beef"

which it feels wrong, at this point, to even call it beef when its mostly one sided on leo's part and the adults are failing both sunny and leo

does leo have the right to be wary about the new eggs? 100%, absolutely

does that excuse her recent treatment of sunny? no

is leo to blame for her behavior? well, no, she's a child

do i think q!foolish and q!tubbo are good fathers? yes

did they both drop the ball in regards to this situation and should have handled it better? yes, but that doesnt mean its not too late now

again, i dont fault leo for being distrustful and cautious of the new eggs, its more than reasonable given what shes gone through. im glad she's warmed up to pepito and i think it's a good choice on foolish's part to not force her to interact with anyone she doesnt like while still encouraging her to try. that being said, i think he should say something to leo about how she has recently been treating sunny because it is quickly getting to the point where it is bullying, not "beef"

to be fair, maybe he hasnt seen [in character/roleplay] the extent to which she has treated sunny, and obviously none of the parents are aware of the baby fight club, but even then, someone should say something to leo if they see behavior similar to how leo treated sunny after the fight [although i believe foolish and roier are two of the only people she will actually listen to /neu] with that being said, i dont think foolish takes it very seriously and at the end day has a rather "well what can you do" type of mentality about it.

we know that leo is stubborn and can be a little hard headed, which is one of the reasons why i personally love her, but its been toeing the line in regards to sunny and i feel as though she crossed it during the baby fight club. sunny has been trying to take leo's feelings into consideration [among other eggs, such as tallulah, who excuse it as distrust of the new eggs despite being warm/neutral to both em and pepito while being harsher to sunny].

the fact that the fight ended and sunny was trying to leave when leo blocked the exit and continued to hit sunny shows that her feelings towards sunny are more than just apprehension. even ramon, leo's triplet, felt the need to step to in and separate them out of concern for sunny's well being.

i can also see the nuance of leo's behavior: its the first time where she has disliked someone and been forced to be in close vicinity/interact with them, and no one has taught her that this sort of behavior isnt ok so how is she supposed to know better?

its not an excuse by any means, but it doesnt make it any less bullying than it is. this is where the adults are failing not just sunny [by being bystanders] but theyre failing leo, too.

and sure, disagreements and fights between the eggs is interesting.. when it comes from both parties but when you have one egg--one child--who doesnt want to be around another egg child in consideration of their feelings while the other egg child vandalizes their things and hits them to the point of almost being downed--that's not a disagreement. thats bullying.

does leo have to like sunny? no

do i think that they have more in common and similar feelings of loneliness that they both dont realize, which could make way for a friendship? yes

would i mind if leo never warms up to sunny? no

its realistic. sometimes kids just.. dont get along and thats ok, its good to teach children that we arent going to get along with everyone or even like them [and not everyone is going to like us and we shouldnt try to force them to], but its also important to teach children that not liking somebody doesnt make it okay to treat them poorly or bully them.

in fact, this would be a really good situation in which both leo and sunny can learn the aforementioned, especially since their fathers are good friends that enjoy one another's company so i dont see them stopping hangouts anytime soon so leo and sunny will hopefully learn to, at the very least, be civil with one another. i hope this is the direction the story goes because a bully arc is one of the last things i personally want to watch

i understand its hard, especially when their first languages are not one that they share, but thats what the qsmp is all about, isnt it? coming together in spite of language barriers

im hoping the sunny/leo situation takes a turn for the better, even if it takes time to get to a point where they are mostly indifferent to one another w/o excessive antagonizing

with all that said, i will always have faith in the admins to give us their best, even if the outcome isnt what we wanted or expected

[flmed]

svelte brows are furrowing altogether whilst a deprecate scoff emitting from his lips–––––shaking his head in the unexpected incertitude upon the other's innocuous question, debating whether he was genuinely befuddled on implied accusation, or rather feigning to be granted with freedom he wants. perhaps it is the latter, because nobody truly wants to be in the other's position; informally interrogate with someone he barely knows, yet seems to know him better than anyone

saul did provide enough, without force as maurizio would have expected–––––violence isn't the answer, even the war has started 'tween the cartels &. mafias; for the indulgence @tocook cooks, or is he just a bystander that doesn't know the aftermath?

❝  that means you're willingly aiding the massacre by providing the goods, ❞  shrugging, johann loathes to repeat himself, however it seems the other person is truly mystified by the indirect position he puts himself in. it isn't his fault that the substance he brewed himself had caused unwanted conflict that shouldn't have had happened if only the black sheep didn't indulge himself into competition, which cost him his own life; both of them are following the demands &. the market, but one has monopolized market .. it is no longer capitalism they are talking about, but the consequence of its greed,

❝  that's how my insufferable boss see you. maurizio is an old-fashioned guy, he doesn't like how people turned up just like you, just like his dead son. take my advice, it's for the best that you stop the production for awhile, so my family won't throw you to the fishes. i know that the cartels would probably hunt you down, but maybe i can provide you some protection .. without my people knowing it, obviously. ❞ 

jesse said, ‘ what’s that supposed to mean ? ‘ from    𝑴𝑶𝑹𝑩𝑰𝑫 ᶜᵘʳᶤᵒˢᶤᵗʸ .   : accepting.

[kmhnsecretexchange]

Title: Bruised Not Broken

Author: Tee/Cherry @one-way-dream, KILLC0MMAND (Twitter)

For: idvnagito (Twitter)

Pairings/Characters: Hajime Hinata/Nagito Komaeda, Hajime Hinata, Nagito Komaeda

Rating/Warnings: General Audiences, Canon-Typical Violence, Mentions of mild injuries

Prompt: Pre-game + Established Relationship - Hajime witnesses Nagito getting picked on and physically bullied by some other kids in the Reserve Course, saving him and intervening. Hajime is slightly offended Nagito never told him about it, and Nagito panics, thinking Hajime is mad at him when that isn’t the case at all - they make up and go back to Hajime’s house where Hajime takes care of Nagito’s wounds!

Author’s notes: WAAA I’M SORRY i misread the prompt a little! my sincere apolocheese but still i hope you enjoy it! ❤ it was fun to write this and i hope to see you around for the next exchange as well! :]

“It’s just another day,” he tells himself. “Just push through it.”

It’s like a mantra to him; something to keep focused on when he’s put through yet another instance of his luck cycle making him suffer. Well, maybe “suffer” was too grave of a word. He’s been through worse, after all – far worse.

It’s just that all the other times were due to circumstances beyond his control. He’s been reassured time and time again that the other instances weren’t his fault, and really, it seemed like his luck often had a mind of its own more than anything.

But this…?

He laughed breezily, feeling his ribs ache under the pressure. The line of blood coming out of his nose became one with the blood coming out of his split bottom lip.

This was malicious. This was something the others could control – something they could stop at any time if they had that restraint.

And he gets it, it’s hard being a Reserve Course student; he understood that well enough now. But people like them, regardless of their talent or lack thereof, would never see eye-to-eye even if he tried to explain that he was on the same level. It seemed that at the end of the day, all they’d ever want is a punching bag to lash out their frustrations on.

And well, for all the trash-talking he’s done about the Reserve Course up until now, Nagito certainly feels that maybe he deserves this a little.

A few more shaky breaths leave him, the taste of blood in his mouth becoming increasingly more repulsive as the minutes roll by. The other boys stand around a few feet away like vultures, contemplating whether they should get one more kick in or flee the scene before security catches on. But he has to stay still, stay silent and bear it for a little longer.  Maybe he’ll just get some rest. He doesn’t want to draw attention while there’s still students milling around the building; who knows what’ll happen if an innocent bystander gets caught up in his luck.

After a few long minutes, he cautiously opens his eyes and sees that he’s finally alone. Nagito picks up his head and looks around out of curiosity, remembering how the other boys had dragged him by the scruff of his collar and kicked him until his body collided against the side of the building. It was all a little hazy from then on out, besides the taste of salt in his mouth and gravel between the crown of his molars. Although the occasional kick to the gut stunned him back to consciousness, it didn’t last very long before he’d pass out again, with his body as weak and disgustingly sickly as it is.

Moving to check his phone hurt too much, so he opted to lay there, waiting for the sun to dip into the horizon a little more so he could slink back to his dorm like he’s done time and time again.

And so, he lets his eyes flutter shut as his breathing evens out; warm and throbbing bruises growing colder in the evening shadows. It’s not cold enough for anyone to fall ill, but knowing his immunity, it’s damn likely that he will anyway – maybe deathly enough to skip a few exams, even.

“What a pain…” He mumbles to himself under his breath, not catching the way the not-so-distant footsteps suddenly scrape to a halt against the concrete.

“What… the hell…?”

Nagito’s body jolts against the cold and damp concrete of the building, head whipping in the direction of the familiar voice to see one of his worst fears realized. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wonders when that changed from dying alone and unloved to Hajime Hinata finding him in a helpless and pathetic state.

“Hinata-kun, what a pleasant surprise…” Despite the way his torn lips burn and ache, he gives a small smile at the sight of him. He wonders when his boyfriend managed to make him feel secure enough that he didn’t have to think about his old fears anymore. He wonders how he manages to simultaneously make his heart sink with dread and soar with affection even in the condition that he’s in.

Hajime drops everything he’s carrying with a thud and runs towards Nagito, neither of them taking their eyes off of each other, before he drops to his knees, uncaring about the way his pants frayed and left his skin scraped against the cemented path. “Who… Komaeda, how did this— who did this to you…?”

The way Hajime reaches out to cup his face, run a careful thumb over his bruised cheekbone, almost makes Nagito want to cry – and it wasn’t from the way his body ached all over. He blinks away the mistiness and looks away from Hajime, shame burning in his gut before he slowly replies, “Does it even matter?”

Nagito doesn’t miss the way Hajime’s hand quivers for a moment, although he doesn’t know if it’s from anger or something else. He doesn’t even know who it’s meant to be directed towards, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was him, even if the very thought makes his chest burn. But the second he looks back into Hajime’s warm golden eyes despite his frustrated expression, he knows the answer.

“Maybe not… now, not anymore but,” Hajime’s voice softens with regret, hands sliding down to carefully grip the other boy’s shoulders, “I want you to tell me anyway. I can’t— I won’t let anything like this happen to you again.”

If the way Hajime stared straight into Nagito’s eyes with a burning determination wasn’t enough to make him relent, the wavering yet sincere tone of his voice would do him in. He licks his lips before shakily replying, “They were just some Reserve Course boys,” he mumbles, eyes downcast once more, “I, um, don’t know what I said to upset them, but… maybe I told them a really bad joke?”

Hajime’s mouth presses into a thin line through Nagito’s sheepish laugh. He lets out an exasperated sigh before leaning back on his heels, hands outstretched to the other. Hajime’s takes in a clipped breath, heart pounding in his throat for some reason as he says the next few words.

“…Nagito, can you stand?”

-x-

Nagito had his very own special key to the nurse’s office on account of the fact that he gets injured often. Far more often than the average student, besides maybe Makoto Naegi on a bad luck streak. But even between the two of them, he’d always somehow end up with worse scrapes – bad enough to warrant constant access to medical supplies even beyond school hours.

The two of them slip in, their fingers loosely tangled together as to not accidentally hurt Nagito while also comforting him. Nagito looked back at the other with a small smile as he flicked light switch on, overhead white tube-lights stuttering to life after a breath of hesitancy.

Hajime took the lead, gently ushering Nagito to the bed, stripped of its usual crepe paper lining. Neither of them had the energy to bother – it was eight ‘o’ clock in the evening and there were barely any people around besides the security guard who seemed like he lived solely off of giving the stink eye to unsuspecting Reserve Course students.

“Come on, let’s get you seated so I can find the medical supplies.” Hajime took hold of the other’s shoulders, carefully setting him down on the bed as a shuddering pained groan leaves Nagito through clenched teeth. The anxiety that had been steadily bubbling in Hajime’s chest was now overflowing at the sound. His rough hands find their way to cup his boyfriend’s warm but gravel-scraped cheeks. He can’t help the way his frown deepens or how his eyebrows furrow together in worry over the other.

He just… can’t believe it.

Hajime swallows thickly, staring right down into Nagito’s eyes before brushing his bangs aside and leaning in to brush his lips against his forehead. And before he knows it, he does it again. And again.

Something like a giggle erupts from Nagito, “Is this your way of curing me? Because I don’t think this’ll fly in medical school, but… I admire the ambition,” he gently pulls away to look at Hajime with fondness in his eyes, “I’ve always admired your ambition; it’s what I love most about you.”

The way Hajime’s heart leaps into his throat causes him to choke a little before clearing his throat, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get carried away Nagito, I just—”

“You thought I looked pathetic?”

“—What?! No! It just… it just made me realize that I need to be there for you more, is all. I’m… not happy about the fact that you never told me but now that I know, I…” Hajime hesitates, eyes darting to the side as he feels heat crawl up his neck, “Well, you know what I’m trying to say. Don’t make me say it again.”

Hajime quickly pulls away from Nagito, away from his questioning eyes, to search around for the first aid kit. He scans the room, finding shelves full of supplies and a refrigerator full of blood bags. He reaches for the shelf first, carefully shifting aside the bottles of antiseptic to find a row of first aid kits stored at the back. The one on the far right is plucked as he returns to an injured Nagito, but not before he stops to take a bottle of antiseptic – just in case.

Nagito watches him pace across the room to the sink, grabbing a handful of cotton balls and a plastic cup of water before he rushes back to him and lays it all out on the bedside table. He doubts he’ll need the bandages anymore, given that his blood has probably already clotted the wounds shut, but his chest feels warm at seeing Hajime care so much anyway.

He carefully lifts his legs onto the bed and leans against the headrest, trying not to think about the throbbing wounds on his back. “Hinata-kun…?”

“Mhm?”

Nagito looks back at Hajime who brings the cup of water to his lips, supporting the back of his head with his other hand. Through slow sips, he thinks his words through before gently nudging the cup away. “…When did you start calling me Nagito?”

Hajime’s gaze falters for a moment as he sets the cup back down. He says nothing for a while, working away at the first aid kit. Eventually he steps forward and helps Nagito shimmy up the bed a little, sitting down in front of him to carefully undo his jacket, vest, tie, and shirt. A few hisses leave Nagito, but nothing more; nothing that’d give away how much damage they’d actually done over the past few weeks. He couldn’t let Hajime know that.

Hajime squeezes his eyes shut at the sight for a moment before forcing them open again, taking in the small cuts and the black and blue splotches by his ribcage. A large bruise blooms over his diaphragm, and it boils Hajime’s blood to realize that he knows exactly how it got there.

Finally, he takes a sharp breath and finally opens his mouth as he runs a piece of antiseptic-soaked cotton over Nagito’s cuts.

“I started calling you Nagito today,” Hajime looks straight into Nagito’s virescent silver eyes, “And I won’t take it back. I won’t go back to ‘Komaeda’.”

The boy widens his eyes at the words, barely holding back a flinch. He takes a deep breath, steadying his heart for a moment, before looking away with a smile. “I wonder why that is, exactly…”

Hajime peels a bandage from its wrapping, blowing cool air on the freshly disinfected cut under his collar bone. Nagito shivers at chilly sensation, even though his face burns from the proximity. As Hajime pastes the bandage on, he speaks again in a gentle voice. “I just… want to be closer to you.”

“Closer? Aren’t we already close?”

He looks back at Nagito for a moment before focusing his attention back on the bloodied cotton swap in his hand. The whole bed smelled a little like antiseptic. Nagito smelled entirely like antiseptic.

“I mean, close enough that you can tell me. Close enough so something like this won’t happen next time.”

“Hinata-kun, they were just some Reserve Course students – I understand that they’re just stressed—”

“I don’t care that they’re stressed, I care about you!” Hajime exclaims, not realizing how loud his voice had gotten in the confines of the empty nurse’s office. But he didn’t waver. “I care about you.”

The room settles into silence again as a piece of cotton gets bandaged over the cut of his jaw. Hajime lets his hand linger there for a moment, fingers ghosting over his skin. Nagito is the first to start talking again.

“I know you care, but… is it really that simple? How are you of all people going to stop them from harassing me.”

Hajime scoffs lightly, “At least you realize that it’s harassment, even though that’s putting it mildly. But tell me one thing: do you really, truly think you deserve it? After all that you’ve seen, all that you’ve endured your whole life, do you really think they deserve to treat you like a punching bag?”

Not a single sound leaves the other boy. His eyes flit from Hajime’s face to the reddish wounds on his palms, and then back to Hajime’s kind expression. The past few months that he’s been dating him have been some of the best in his otherwise miserable life. He already knows how strongly Hajime feels about this, and his persuasion hasn’t fallen on deaf ears; he already knows his answer.

Hajime overlaps his hand over Nagito’s with a gentleness he didn’t know he possessed, “See? Even you know, don’t you?” He smiles and brushes a thumb over the curve of his index finger. “Even if I might not be able to stop every occurrence, I’ll make damn sure I do everything I can to keep them away from you. And in return I… want you to trust me.”

His breath hitches.

“I want you to tell me everything. I want you to be able to confide in me no matter how big or small an issue is.” Hajime’s breathing picks up, a surefire tell for the other when he feels nervous about something, “Nagito… I want you to believe in me.”

Nagito looks away huffs out in faux annoyance, trying and failing to hide a small grin on his face, “Stubborn, aren’t you?”

Yet he’s the first to lace their fingers together, ugly scrapes and cuts and all.

“Alright, Hajime. I’ll believe in you.”

[aberrational]

4. When scared, does your OC fight, flee, freeze or fawn?

Edgy/misc OC ask meme ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

"Fight, obviously," the Perfect Person chuckles, raising its paws up in fists in the traditional cartoon 'Put em up!' gesture. "Firstly, what is there to scare me? Nothing could physically harm me and I don't value anything at all in this wretched life. What could be leveraged against me? But secondarily, in the off chance that something does frighten me, I could just trounce it. Obliterate it, even! Remove it from the memory of everything and anything it may have graced, rebuild a world where whatever torments me never existed in the first place! I could yank their limbs off until they're only connected to the midsection by threads, I could, I-- I'm getting told to put a cork in it, sorry! But, you know, you get the gist. I've gone on and on about this all before, the torture I could impart and all."

In incidents in which the Perfect Person is terrified, it cannot comprehend anything but fawn. Despite the posturing, it's fairly easy to rattle provided it has something or someone to care about. Back in the time where it was often, every other week, tormented by some new event, it was only so vulnerable as it was obsessed with trying to solve and fix the world to keep up appearances and to gain the approval of other people as it did, and still does, desperately yearn for attention. Thus, every time something went wrong it would spiral horribly about failing those it cared for, potentially hurting them in the process as it often faced world ending incidents, and looking horribly stupid in a way it would never be able to strike from its records (God keeps score, unfortunately). It is actually rather adverse to using violence against anything that is important (often reserving it to assault random bystanders whom it does not care for or whom it thinks are offhandedly evil in a way a good punch is enough to solve) as its fear of failing in shows of strength is massive, so rarely would it ever fight. Instead, it often turns to the nearest person is trusts and begins to beg for assistance. Just tell me how to fix it, command me, guide my hand, I can do it all if you just tell me what I'm supposed to be doing, I can't do this alone, I'm too stupid, you're more clever than me- and if you were wrong, that's your fault, not mine. It feels very lost, you see. It's used to, and was created to, be controlled entirely by another person with clear intention. Since it has been tossed to act practically on its own in interpersonal situations, it becomes frantic and clingy, unable to do much of anything at all without explicit permission from others. It also does this due to the inability to cope with being wrong, thus preferring that all situations be the responsibility of other people who use it as a tool. Don't blame the hammer for the head wound! In a lot of causes, too, fawn will manifest as adoration towards the villain. It's preferred method of rehabilitating villains and saving worlds from evil actions has been to try and seduce malicious parties, both because it believes its love to be purifying but also due to its known obsession with witnessing damage unfolding before it. Best case scenario they stop killing people, but worse case scenario he gets to giggle on the sidelines while they take axes to heads while feeling as if its not his responsibility to stop because, well, it's bad when strangers commit violence but he knows the goodness in their heart so it's quite alright, recovery isn't linear, maybe they'll be better next week, I'll keep an eye on it.

In short; find something that bothers it and you have your very own loyal puppy dog who will do anything you ask of it as it acts neurotic and insane in the ensuing panic.

[powermove102]

okay so yes, its taking me ages between each tier, BUT it time for

D TIER - Suck it up

Martha Nielsen

For someone who people view as pretty central to the narrative… she ain’t in the narrative all that much? (it’s Jonas’ memory of/ longing for her that makes her significant) (reiterating that this is NOT meant to be an in-depth character analysis… it’s mostly an excuse to call out people’s bitch moves and major tragedies)

So childhood seems cool overall, maybe parental tension, maybe somewhat absent father moment, but all in all not bad

Here’s where it starts to be fucked tho… so she basically starts a relationship with Jonas (he kissed her at the lake, then they do the dirty at her house, etc.), then literally the next day (or very soon after that) you find out his dad just suicided, and now you don’t see him much/ he isn’t there for the start of school so you just… move on from him?? For his best friend??? Literally THE other guy in your friend group (who is not your brother)??? I’m sorry but this does not scream ‘we have a very deep and profound relationship’ to me. It screams ‘I was going to start a relationship but you’re not conveniently there rn so bye’. Either that or she just a bitch. 

If you disagree with my take then… okay have fun with that

Then she does take a lot of the ‘missing people’ trauma onto herself (Mikkel, Ulrich, Jonas, her mom’s basically missing with the amount she distances herself) so I’ll give you that

And then all the funky messed-up shit with older Jonas, yada yada

And what a tragic death, killed whilst she was trying to be saved, shot dead by a random old man/ literally her (ex?)boyfriend who’s convinced himself this is all for you… can you tell it’s a pain to piece this together from her point of view? Congrats you earned yourself a ‘doomed by the narrative’ out of ‘dooming the narrative’

Egon Tiedemann

*the lil guys from Gnomeo and Juliet* A cheat! A cheat! That’s what you are! Oof!

Honestly the amount of people I am saying/ will say this for… I’m getting tired and this is only D Tier… oof…

There is no excuse for cheating my guy. Also big cheater man asked his gf if the baby was his. Girl, not everyone is like you! (I mean in this case yes she is but that’s not the point)

ENYWAYS man has no wife anymore pretty much (which is like?? Technically not completely his fault so I would feel bad for him except if she knew what you did it WOULD completely be your fault so nope, I get to keep my pity for another day), so he is SAD 

Oh yeah he had a spooky encounter with a random lady/ his daughter buuuuutttt for a universe full of crazy quirky cosmic happenstances, his was relatively mild

Then we skip STRAIGHT to when he is all grown up (I mean old, but) and he has ANOTHER crazy quirky cosmic happenstance that relates to… earphones. Ya. … . imma just move on 

Then he has all that drama with Ulrich both old and young and i guess that was odd but he never fully went into depth with it and never figured out what was going on really

Ofc, him dying at the hand of his own daughter (who was actually doing everything to PREVENT his heath) is giving him quite a few points (literally the thing that saved him from E tier), especially since they were just about starting to reconcile and restart their relationship :( oh well, you don't get a rating for making me smh at all the cheating

Franziska Doppler

Did in fact participate in the missing people / overall weird stuff happening shenanigans but let’s face it she was mostly an innocent bystander that didn’t do much (we love a queen who doesn’t do much, never lift a finger, that’s not ur job babes)

So let’s just skip forward to the relevant bit: Old Man Jonas takes you for a spin in his lil time machine to save you from “The Apocalypse™”©® and he drops you off in fRICKEN 1888!!!! Which is just btw the funniest part of the whole show, I’ve already ranted about this before but I absolutely love the implications

Oh well now you’re a victorian-era lady and you get to spend more time with your bf, good for u girlie ig

From her loyalty to Sic Mundus imma just assume she is chill with all this, they’re pretty much making the best out of a bad sitch-EA-shun

But she basically never gets to see her entire family again. Yikes, feels bad, girlie

So not the best and not the worst, well done on receiving a slay/queen 

Agnes Nielsen

Basically had no parents, since I doubt Bartosz wanted anything to do with the kids after he found out just how he got got by Adam (not even his marriage and kids were safe from those grimy, time-meddling hands), but was raised by their nanny I think, which looked ok

Got recruited and pretty much her whole life is dedicated to Adam’s shenanigans now

She has to have Tronte with The Unknown and take care of him all by herself which sucks, but again she is doing it for Adam because she thinks its the right thing to do or smth

She is honestly just such a pawn, like, her telling Noah about the notebook pages is what makes him kill Claudia (who was ok with it because she knew it needed to happen, but still), and THEN, right when Noah finds out this whole schtick was a lie and he is never getting back to his family (cry), SHE MURDERS HIM like ffs I excuse a lot of behaviour that is done For The Cause but usually they are manipulated/ tricked into it somehow, but Agnes is just so willy-nilly following whatever Adam says, I’m just so done rn

And then she just leaves her son to fend for himself. Like sure it all works out for the best for him (because he didn’t want her to be their anyway) but that is not an EXCUSE madam, especially when she left him to just go back to Adam in the future

Who knows what happened to her after that but she is a PAWN /out of/ a single game of checkers

Silja Tiedemann

So the first 5 years of her life were a bit iffy (her mother was Hannah after all, no father (unless her ma had a mans that knew how to take care of kids, but probably not because then she wouldn’t have all the attention on herself), no siblings and probably no friends (and she got that face scar somehow)) and then she was just thrown into 2041 without any warning after growing up in the 80’s

Therefore a lot of the memories of her mother were likely lost (actually that’s a good thing because then she was raised by Elizabeth, so, mother upgrade x100) and although she had to live in a post-apocalyptic cult it sounds like it was pretty chill for her (despite Eli’s likely PTSD behaviour)

Then when Adam fully accepts her into Sic Mundus she just gets to go be Bartosz’s wife (which sounds pretty good, ngl) then she has her kid

I’M CONVINCED SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN DID YOU SEE HER FACE WHEN SHE SAID HANNO, SHE WAS LIKE GO ON BARTOSZ, STOP ME, I DARE YOU, YEA HE’S GONNA RECRUIT YOU IN THE FUTURE, WHAT ABOUT IT

THEREFORE I don’t know what her relationship was like with him because it seems like he really was in love with her (bro his face when he met her AND his face when she died… it says it all), but if she knew she had to go there and have his kids just to RUIN his LIFE… yeah idk if she loved him

I assume she was actually a decent mother (½ because I’m sure Bartosz tried a lil bit but was overall very much an absent father because of the induced trauma, and ½ because try to tell me Hanno wasn’t the cutest kid, I dare you), and then she DID up and die (Agnes’ first but not last family member kill) which was kinda sad for her and I’M NOT SAYING SHE WANTED TO GIVE BARTOSZ THE TRAUMA but that's exactly the goal she achieved and she did it actively, knowingly and willingly

So overall she cannot really complain in comparison (if you look at the absolute malarkey others had to deal with), so she gets a whohurt/myboybartosz

as always, this is just my opinion, and lmk if I missed anything. this one was annoying, imma nap for another 6 months before posting the next part

Dark Schmerz-o-meter analysis

AKA the comprehensive tier list of pain and suffering (fun!)

Characters are all ranked on a scale of S-E and are all relative to one another (yes, you can be sad and still go in E tier). To reiterate, they are NOT ranked based on how much I like them, how good their character is written, or suchlike (although there may be some correlation), this list ONLY takes into account how hard their life was, how much suffering they have had to endure, etc. Points are indeed taken away if you are the one actively causing the sadness (how much depends on e.g. whose idea it was/ how much enthusiasm you did it with).

(also I'm only referring to Adam's-World versions of the characters, unless otherwise specified, because we just have way more information about them)

Feel free to disagree/ counter-argue, this is just my list and my analysis (all for fun).

(OK I'll stop stalling) So why don't we get started with the best of the worst:

E Tier - You don't know what pain is

Hannah Kahnwald

She starts having the affair whilst she is STILL MARRIED (she was unawares that Michael was literally penning his suicide note whilst she was having a smooch with Ulrich) - she also has the inability to love imo, she just has the ability to love attention

She’s not even that good a mother either, she kinda leaves Jonas alone and is only really sad because she no longer has a mans to give her all that attention (PLUS her fling left her too, and then she has the AUDACITY to ask (not ask - FORCE) Alexander to DESTROY HIM for choosing to focus on his MISSING SON instead of HER!!!!!!

And then when Jonas leaves she’s just more attention-deprived so she thought about offing herself but then thought well if I’m dead no-one can pay attention to meeeeeee so decided against it 

Then Jonas returns (33 years older but it is still her SON who displays AFFECTION towards her) and as soon as she finds out about time travel she’s like you know what this means? An opportunity to find more MEN, and she commits THEFT even though Jonas reeeeally needed that machine (she only cares about herself), and proceeds to go to Ulrich ONLY TO TELL HIM SHE HATES HIM BECAUSE HE TRIED TO SAVE HIS SON I MEAN WHO DOES THAT

yes I am well aware that he was unable to say he loves her when she did but I will get more in depth with that later and I mean, come on, man has other priorities, could you really not get him out of prison???? so he can save his son???????

And then obviously she promptly moves on to the first man she sees (married, but she doesn’t care of course) (it’s the guy she reported Ulrich to way back when in the future/past, but she doesn’t care of course) AND HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY SHE LOST EVERYTHING like MADAM you did not care about your husband, your boyfriend only mattered because he gave you attention, and your SON has RETURNED with all the LOVE he has LEFT from this CAR CRASH of a reality and you RUN AWAY FROM HIM WHILST HE IS ASLEEP AND YOU SAY YOU LOST EVERYTHING MA’AM YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING I ACTUALLY CAN’T WITH THIS WOMAN-

I’m convinced she has a soft spot for kids because i can’t imagine what other reason she really has for having Silja (she obviously never loved Egon) so she has her and then she gets taken to Jonas and PRETENDS like NOTHING ever happened, like she didn't abandon him when he returned to her to go have a kid with someone else and she didn't steal his most important possession

And then YES she is tragically killed by her own son (which is usually a trait of someone very high up on the list (RIP in pepperonis Bartosz you are loved) but I don't care, she deserved it, otherwise the family tree would be 100 times more kaput if she was allowed to populate it even more, especially if she still has access to the machine) and that’s it, she gets a shut up/die

Ines Kahnwald

So people seem to be opinionated both ways with this one but here we go

I guess she WAS doing everything for Michael’s own good - he rocks up with no family or anything to speak of, he’s real scared and sad and she does in fact take him in when otherwise he would have been homeless jobless lifeless so yay Ines

And yeah I guess you could say it’s hard on her when he’s distant from her and everything but like? What did you expect? That’s not your real son bro???

And then she has to deal with his suicide (but again, he was kinda distant anyway it seems) and you get alienated by Hannah (honestly a good thing) but all in all it is nothing in comparison so you get a meh/maybe I don't actually care all that much, Hannah has taken all my energy

Doris Tiedemann

You did cheat on your husband. Idc who, why, with who, whatever, if you cheat then you a bitch for that and i have nothing more to say on the matter

Yeah then Agnes goes missing, then they potentially reunite, it’s all tame in comparison let’s be honest, idk/idc

Anyone else who I do not mention in any tier is either not a particularly significant character or they do not compare :) stay tuned for D Tier if you want

[millionsknives]

.

[kaiwewi]

Some more Guilty Conscience please!! (Though now I feel guilty, because this is going to HURT me) haha, get it?

Thanks for the request! Lol, pain it is, and there's enough for everyone xD

Guilty Conscience #4

[Masterlist: Renegade Rescue Squad] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Synopsis: Other Villain wants Villain's help with experimenting on the hero. Things take an unexpected turn.

tw: whump, captivity, talk about torture, knife, blood

All of this was Villain’s fault.

The hero had been caught in his trap – a cursed contraption he had built more for show than anything, convinced it would never activate, let alone outperform its purpose. But he’d miscalculated, and his naivety did not absolve him from his crime.

His trap, his responsibility. His guilty conscience.

He wasn’t an idle bystander – he was an accomplice.

Other Villain leaned closer, half turned towards him in something almost resembling a loose hug. The hand that wasn’t sitting on his shoulder slithered down his torso and came to rest above his hip, on the small leather sheath on his belt. Other Villain flipped the latch open and pulled out his knife.

He didn’t dare try to snatch it back as they held it up in the space between their faces.

“I’d like your assistance,” Other Villain said. “I need someone who can handle a blade, and rumour has it you’re some kind of surgeon or something.” With a final pat on the back, they removed their arm from his shoulders, grabbed one of his wrists, placed the knife firmly into his hand, and closed his fingers around the hilt. “So be a darling and skin one of the subject’s forearms for me.”

“You want me to—” Skin the subject’s… No way. He couldn’t – he wouldn’t. “Why?”

“Just an experiment, for science.” Other Villain smiled sweetly, glancing back at the hero. “I want to apply acid to both their arms and contrast deep tissue damage.”

The poor little hero shrank back as far as their bonds allowed.

“Wait,” they cried, voice raw and desperate, choking on their sobs, “you don’t have to do that. Please… I’ll talk, okay? Yeah? I’ll tell you… whatever you want to know, I promise, I’ll tell you. Everything… So don’t do that, please, don’t do that… please, just stop…”

Other Villain laughed.

“You misunderstood, birdie. I’m so sorry,” they said, and did nothing to hide their vicious grin, “I’m not all that interested in information. Fact is: you’re not going anywhere, and when I finally get to interrogating you later, I’m sure you’ll still be just as eager to share.”

Villain couldn’t breathe. The hero’s pitiful wailing may as well have been a punch to his solar plexus. The knife rested heavy in his hand like the weight of every bad decision he’d ever made in life.

He met the hero’s eyes and found that he couldn’t look away, no matter how much he willed himself to not stare at the tears rolling down puffy cheeks, drawing lines through the carnage of half-dried blood splattered across a face which had been reduced to an ashen canvas painted red and purple.

For the first time, the little hero looked truly shattered.

Maybe hope and Other Villain simply couldn’t coexist.

“Let me show you something, pretty bird.” Other Villain plucked a smart phone from their pocket and began tapping and swiping at the screen. “No. No. No…. Ah, found it!

“See, that’s what a chemical burn looks like. Nice, isn’t it? – I took that picture last year, when one of my guests had an unfortunate accident with my hydrochloric acid…. Well, at least it was all rather insightful, if you get my drift.” They swiped across the screen again. “There, half the skin on her hand practically melted away and we could see the ligaments and muscle fibres. And this” – they pointed at something, paused to zoom into the picture, then held the phone up in front of their captive’s face again – “this is a knuckle bone and here—”

Other Villain’s words cut off in a breathless gurgle.

The phone clattered to the floor.

Villain pulled his knife out of Other Villain’s neck and gave the blade a curious look.

He’d just stabbed them, hadn’t he? He couldn’t remember doing that – neither the action nor the intent – but here they were: Villain with the bloody knife clutched in his hand; Other Villain bleeding profusely; the smartphone on the floor next to Villain’s feet; and the hero on the verge of passing out in their seat.

“Not a surgeon,” he said softly into the sudden silence, “I’m a paramedic.”

[Part 5]

[manilovetumblerusernames]

WASSUP ITS 3 AM N INSOMNIAS A BITCHHH. So in an effort to cure it ive written a fic. If u can call it that. Its more like a character study? Idk i jus wanted to write abt sad boi mic :( . Apologies if this is terrible, im super out of practise with writing and this is my first ever fic also im not doing any proofreading on this i wrote this all in one shot so i hope this isnt incoherent garbage. good luck!

The life of Yamada Hizashi was full of misfortune. In fact, the first tragedy of his life occured right as he entered the world. His cries as he exited his mother’s womb were so loud he had deafened everyone in the room and injured several other innocent bystanders in the area.

Objectively, Yamada knew he couldn’t control it. He was literally a newborn who didn’t even know what a quirk was. Yet that doesn’t stop him from asking himself “why didn’t you just stay quiet?” whenever he looked at himself in the mirror. If he had stayed quiet that day, he probably wouldn’t have been sent to an orphanage. Maybe his parents would have loved him, destructive, hazardous quirk and all.

The second misfortune was his inability to connect with his peers. He was popular, but popularity wasn’t the same as having actual, genuine friends who he could connect with, who he could talk to about anything and everything, who could sit with him in comfortable silence as they simply soaked in each others company, who he could share his deepest darkest secrets and confide his fears and insecurities to. Alas, he would only be known as the class clown. The one people could laugh at. The sunshine to brighten people’s day. It was lonely, being the sun.

Things seemed to change, however, when he entered UA. A tall, larger than life, cloud came by to greet the sun hello and they got on like a house on fire. The rest was history. The two were inseparable. Oboro and Yamada simply getting along like they had known each other since childhood. Yamada wished that was true.

After the sports festival, the sun and cloud duo would meet a shadow. The shadow refused to talk with them, telling them to leave him alone. But they persisted. Eventually Aizawa relented, slowly but surely letting the two drag him into their shenanigans. Finally, the trio was complete.

If people thought Aizawa’s calm, rational, slightly apathetic demeanour would balance out the chaos that was Oboro and Yamada, they were sorely mistaken. The three of them would somehow find themselves in all sorts of ridiculousness that they themselves conjured up. Whether it was getting caught up in a cloudy whirlwind (made by a Yamada-Oboro quirk tag team gone wrong) , a classic food fight (Aizawa started it) or even adopting a stray cat caught in the rain, the three of them went through it all together.

It all came crashing down when The Accident happened. Yamada could still hear his own voice shouting back at him. His own, destructive, hazardous voice. The very same voice that helped bring a building down on his best friend. It rang in the back of his head, like a horrible tinnitus that wouldn’t go away. As he made his way back to his room, his voice morphed, words slowly taking shape, telling him it was his fault that his best friend was sent home in a body bag instead of cheerily running down the pedestrian path. His voice once again ruined his life, making his world crumble around him just like the building had crumbled and fell onto his friend. He couldn’t sleep that night, not daring to close his eyes after he saw the devastated look on Aizawa’s face when he realised his friend was gone. When he realised his cloudy friend’s voice he heard wasn’t real. Yamada wondered what expression Aizawa would make when he inevitably concluded that Yamada was Oboros murderer.

When they returned to school, Yamada clung to Aizawa, refusing to leave his side. He said it was to make sure his friend was alright, but it was more selfish than that. Yamada was afraid. He was afraid that Aizawa would leave, turn his back on him and shut him out, like a blackout curtain. So, Yamada did everything he could to make Aizawa see that he was still okay, that he wasn’t broken, that he was still every bit of the friend he used to be and that he wasn’t plagued by ghostly voices and haunting images whenever the silence grew. Yamada pulled out all the stops, he cracked jokes, fooled around more than usual, tried to include Aizawa in every conversation, watched over him as Aizawa ran himself ragged training after hours.

But it was too much. He’d overcompensated. He was once again too much for people to handle. Yamada could only stand and watch, graduation hat heavy on his head like a crown of sorrow, as he watched his only friend disappear into a sea of people. Now that the cloud was gone, the sun, no longer covered, shone too brightly, and the shadow was chased away, melting into the darkness, never quite touching the light.

[wcrfcres]

punishment takes form in dark umbers , sweet rhythm of her voice concealing wrath the can topple strongholds . northern lord feels all eyes on him , standing with only a dagger , in the middle of the fighting grounds , knights , sellswords , and bystanders hollering for his savage , inevitable end . the fault is his , to be devoured by his own selfish desires and his carelessness with the sweet reach wine . towering stature or not , a limit existed and the evening prior proved him painfully right . as always. ❝ lady dayne , ❞ greeting not exaggerated , catered with the appropriate amount of charm . with the morning light falling upon them , even the slightest line of pretense will douse him with insincerity . alaric is anything but , and he will not shy away from his fault no matter how grave they may be . ❝ you're right , it is . ❞ gaze follows where his attention is directed , making vexation a rather curious sight to see while he tempers with the vivid ache weighing on his temples . the lord mormont is not as sly as she may assume him to be . his disappearance was not because she was any sort of lacking , or unattractive . it's the way discomfort seeps on his features when he stands in a crowded room for long . if he had gotten a better sense of his personal tribulations , he might have stayed longer than she want him to . ❝ well , i— ❞ struck before an apology could be delivered , the northern lord was caught off guard . perhaps such is the way of the dornish ? their fiery passions casted upon those who gets in its way .

but the resemblance , too , was uncanny , so much so that he almost allowed fondness to wash over his features . instead , the most childish of displays brought forth . ❝ if i had known my captivity meant more to you than our combined enjoyment , i'd have stayed , lady laina . ❞ maybe it was a bad idea to tease someone so early in the morning . or when he's half focus on his the pulsing in his head , and maybe having to dodge a physical retaliation from the lady before him . but annoyance does thread between a very fine line between despicable and amusement . he'll take the risk , what else is there if he does not?

@wcrfcres * alaric mormont

[...] They called her brother the greatest swordsman in Dorne, her sister, his equal. And they had a saying in the Westerosi courts for those like Laina Dayne, did they not? The spare. In truth, she wanted nothing but attention from the tourney victor last night, and perhaps a story to retell in words of her own prose, fabricated for a tale she could tell to her attendants and pen-pals. In truth, she didn't feel like she was what they called her to be here until he left her standing in the same spot with all her warmth fading into a dark cloud, waiting for a bear that did not come back. She made note of that new bad habit she was forming: to stand still and struck frozen in the face of her faults, biting her lip and feeling foolish. A better courtier would take the blow gracefully, but she had always been a tyrant prone to giving into her emotions; she'd ignore the tears which manifested, ignore how she stalked off for another drink, or three that night. Gratitude came in waves when she found solace in another, inspiring rejuvenation that numbed her happy. Yet, all hope for a good day withered at the sight of him. Her own rotten anger seethed from her like Dorne's heat waves; on the surface, jaw tense, all bitten tongues and nerves unspooling in her chest like something dark as the Stranger. " Oh, Lord Mormont, " melodious cadence, a mask is worn; as pretty as court demands its decorum. " The morning feast is that way, " she should bite her tongue, but, " I understand it must be difficult to find given how far your stupid fat head is up your, " and so she bites her tongue, attempts a smile. " Well, the seven blesses us with other gifts, don't they? "

[blossomingimagines]

Of A Broken Heart

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Stark!Reader

Word Count: 5,339

Summary: You never thought you would see her again. Never thought you would feel your heart skip a beat because of her emerald green gaze again. Never thought that you would let her back in. You also never thought that you would have to think about planning your brother’s funeral either. (Set after and during (sort of) Infinity War.)

Notes: Everyone requested a second part of Requiem... so I thought I would make one. I hope that you all like it. (Also the reader was under the assumption that Tony had returned. She wasn’t aware that Tony wouldn’t have a way back.)

Tag List: @username23345 // @stephanieromanoff // @ima-gi--na-tion // @chickenhavewisdom // @hi-i-1​ (I’m not sure if some of you wanted to be tagged but you mentioned a part two in Requiem... so I thought I would do so just in case.)

Warnings: Mentions of alcoholism. 

Your gaze was leveled with the sky. Tracing over the sparkling stars and the distant worlds dotted between. Worlds that you would never be able to make out with your naked eye. Even though you knew that they were there all the same.

Was Tony on one of them? Your mind cries out. Tears coming unbidden to your eyes as you tried to quell the incoming sobs. Was he all right? Was he already dead?

The thoughts were familiar to you. Looping constantly within your head like a taunt. Images of your brother’s dead body flashing across your mind. Hollow brown eyes, normally filled with so much life, staring into your own. Never to have the same spark again. To have mischief lurking within their depths as various emotions played through his brilliant mind. 

Clenching your hands against the railing you were leaning against, you lower your head as you take in deep breaths. Ever since Tony had disappeared with the ship you had been left in an almost fugue state. Barely being able to interact with anyone. Barely allowing yourself the pleasures of living. 

Eating had become a challenge because Tony could potentially not be doing the same. How could you possibly enjoy your meal if Tony was starving? How could you allow yourself the simple pleasures of Earth if Tony was suffering away from it? Away from you. 

The thought of Tony truly being gone hadn’t fully set in. You had dealt with this before. Had lived with the knowledge that Tony could be lost to you. Afghanistan had been hell for you and for everyone that loved Tony. You hadn’t given up hope that he would be found. That your big brother, the only family you had left, would be returning to you. 

You had less hope now. At least when Tony had disappeared in Afghanistan he had still been on Earth. Now you didn’t know what galaxy he was in… let alone the planet.  His absence became more and more obvious the longer it went on. The days slipping past you like water through your fingers. The knowledge that Tony may truly be gone this time crushing you. 

It didn’t help that you were surrounded by the people that hurt you the most. The people that you thought were your family but ended up being your biggest heartache. Closing your eyes once more, you crane your neck back. And even if you couldn’t see the stars you knew where you were looking. You had long since memorized the layout of the sky above your terrace in the Compound. It wasn’t the Tower but you didn’t think you could bear to set foot in it. Not without Tony being there to greet you. 

You could hear the distant murmur of voices beneath you. No doubt the others trying to figure out what to do. The sound causes yet another stab of pain to lance through your heart. While you wouldn’t wish what had happened on your greatest enemy, you couldn’t understand how they survived when Tony didn’t. How they could be using the things he made for them after everything they had done. Didn’t understand why you had to see them every day and not Tony. 

You still remember, with perfect clarity, seeing them again after so long. Remember seeing her again after everything. 

You wished that your heart didn’t still react the way it did. 

Stepping off of the QuinJet, you pull your jacket tighter against your body. Your eyes taking in the various faces as you went. Desperately searching for something familiar to ground you. You needed something to make sense. You needed to have someone you love be okay. 

Spotting a familiar face, you break out into a run. Relief interlacing itself within your shout. “Wombat!”

At your yell, Rhodey whips around and pure relief flashes across his face. His arms are already opening for you as you barrel into him. Burrowing against him as you clung as tightly as you could. 

“You’re okay,” you choke out with tears falling from your eyes. “You’re okay.”

Rhodey’s arms tighten around you at your choked statements. The pain he was holding back showcasing itself within the shaking of his arms. By the way, he followed every minute movement of your body as you shifted in his embrace. Finally, after a few moments, you take a small step back. Making sure that you maintained eye contact with him through it all. You needed him in your sights at all times. You don’t know what you would do if he disappeared too. 

His pained gaze flits to various points behind you. His throat bobbing up and down as he tried to form his question. “Di-” He clears his throat. “Did Pepper make it?”

You nod. “She’s on her way now.”

Rhodey hums but his gaze still hadn’t returned to yours. Causing your own to narrow as worry started to fill your chest. “Rhodey.” You wait for him to turn back towards you. Even if his gaze wouldn’t stay solely on your own for long. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head but doesn’t offer an answer. Something that only causes your worry to grow that much more. Rhodey had made it his life's work to deliver the hard truths to family. You didn’t want to think of what this meant that he wasn’t able to tell you. 

Stepping closer, you place a light hand on his chest. “Rhodey,” you implore gently. “What happened?”

There’s a tense silence until he finally meets your gaze. Tears finally begin to fall from his eyes as a pained sound escapes his mouth. “Sam.”

He didn’t have to say anything else for you to understand. You had already seen so many people you knew crumble before your eyes. Seen innocent bystanders disappear with the breeze as their remaining family watched in shock. The screams for help and the mournful howls of grief following soon after. New York City quickly became a desolate wasteland of what it used to be. The City That Never Slept growing quiet. 

Wrapping your arms around Rhodey, you offer him another hug. There were no words that you could say that could take away his pain. No words that would ever make the grief go away. That would ever erase the image of ashen faces crumbling against the wind. Faces of loved ones, of people you didn’t even know, forever seared into your brain. 

Raising your head, you meet Rhodey’s gaze once more. A small frown furrowing your brow. 

“Where’s Tony?”

“We’ll have to take another jet to scope the area for more survivors. I thi-”

Whatever was going to be said was immediately interrupted by your entrance. Not that you cared for anything he had to say. Your gaze honing in on his baby blue one as you made your way towards him. While he didn’t look the same you could still see the self-righteous asshole underneath. Something that caused your anger to grow even more. 

You didn’t notice the other occupants of the room. Didn’t notice the way pained green eyes followed your every move-- even though there was worry interlacing the expression. Didn’t notice anything except for Steven Fucking Rogers. 

Even the splitting pain that erupted across your hand as you punched him did little to detract from your anger. All you could feel was your pain. Your grief at what had happened. No amount of physical pain could ever measure up to your emotional trauma. 

“You asshole,” you snarl. “This is exactly what Tony was afraid of. This is exactly what he tried to protect the world from.”

Steve didn’t make any move to protect himself from your shoves. His blue gaze turning sad; almost remorseful. 

“I know, Y/N.” He turns his head away as shame colors his face. “I know that this is what Tony was afraid of.”

“Don’t you dare say his fucking name like you’re still his friend. Don’t you dare act like what you did didn’t happen.” You scoff as you take a step back from him. Your gaze finally looping the room for the first time. Only briefly pausing over Natasha’s silent form. Hating the relief that flared through your body at the sight of her. An emotion that you were sure crossed your face by the way something shifted in her gaze. By the way, her stance loosened ever-so-slightly. Turning away from her, you meet Steve’s gaze once more. “Tony knew this was going to happen. It’s why he fought so fucking hard for the Accords. Why he fought so hard to keep the team together.”

Anger finally graces Steve’s face at your words. “The Accords were going to treat us as servants, Y/N. There was no way we could sign them.”

An incredulous laugh falls from your lips at your words. “This isn’t the forties, Rogers. You can’t just do whatever the hell you want and expect to get away with it. There have to be limitations on what people with your abilities are allowed to do.” You shake your head as you turn your back on him. Moving towards the door. “Tony was going to fight for your rights. He wasn’t going to let your humanity be stripped from you. But there had to be fail-safes in place to protect the innocent people of Earth.” You shoot him a glance over your shoulder. Withering with its intensity-- with your anger. “Or is one person truly worth more than the millions of lives you destroyed? Or the billions, maybe even trillions, that are now gone because you couldn’t see past your loyalty to him?”

“This isn’t my fault, Y/N.” Steve replies. “This is because of Thanos. He is the one we have to stop.”

A small smile quirks your lips at that. “Still the idealist I see.” You shake your head. “We all made mistakes, Rogers. Could have done things in a different manner. But never forget that you were the one that split the team-up. That you were the one that decided Barnes’s life was worth more than everyone else's.” You chance one more glance towards Steve. Your eyes are sympathetic because you already knew what happened to him. “I’m sorry for your loss. No one deserves to see their loved ones perish like that.”

Even though it’s better than not knowing...

Moving closer towards the door, you place a gentle hand against the wooden surface. Your gaze turning somber as you meet Natasha’s gaze once more. Maintaining eye contact even though you were speaking to the room as a whole. “Maybe the people we should have been protecting the Earth from were you.”

You don’t wait for a response as you’re already gone. The thunderous echo of the door slamming behind you being all that was left of your presence. 

You find Thor outside with an anthropomorphic raccoon. Something that barely causes you to pause as you settle down beside the god. Your gaze remains level with the horizon even as you felt Thor’s gaze on your face. His electric blue eyes like a weight against your skin. 

His deep rumbling voice soon breaks the silence. “Y/N.”

“Thor.”

A silence settles over the three of you. Your gaze never wavering from the setting sun. The silent fields rolling with the wind. A hollowness exuding from the world that left your stomach churning with nausea.

“Is the Man of Iron, all right?” Thor breaks the silence once more. His deep voice is uncharacteristically soft. “I haven’t seen him.”

At the question, your mouth thins into a line. Finally breaking your gaze with the horizon as you met Thor’s. “Tony isn’t here, Thor.”

The revelation causes Thor to reel back. His shock etching itself across his features. “Friend Stark was dusted?”

You shake your head; trying to ignore the pain that struck your chest at the very thought. “No, Thor. He went after Thanos with Peter.”

The God of Thunder’s brow furrows. “So you do not know if he lives?”

You shake your head once more. “No, Thor. I don’t know if Tony is alive or not. I may never know what has happened to him.”

There’s another moment of silence before another voice speaks up. Your gaze shifting towards the raccoons. Deep brown eyes, that reminded you so much of Tony, stare back at you. 

“He’ll be all right. If he’s in space then that means he’s run into my team.” His pointed snout looks back towards the sky with a hint of longing across his face. “They’ll take good care of him.”

At his words, a breath of relief falls from your lips. Your shoulders loosen at the sheer confidence within the raccoon's tone. That is until Thor interjected once more. 

“But what if they were dusted too, Rocket?’

There was no answer. Only the silence of the world, a world that would never be the same, settling over the three of you. Your eyes once again returning towards the sky. 

All with different levels of longing interlaced within.

Staying in Wakanda was stifling. While it was a beautiful country with astonishing marvels, you couldn’t help but be weighed down by everything. From the silent grief that permeated the air because T’Challa was gone. To the dark looks directed towards the sky whenever an airship flew overhead. Not to mention being surrounded by Rogers and his team. 

Pepper’s arrival was like a breath of fresh air. You weren’t sure you were still capable of smiling, with true joy, before she appeared. Her bright blue eyes meet your gaze across the yard. Her own bright smile, with unshed tears filling her gaze, appearing as she rushed towards you. Her slim arms wrapping around you in a tight embrace. The familiar floral scent of her perfume calming you. 

You hadn’t been around when Pepper had seen Steve again. Hadn’t seen the colossal fallout that had occurred but you had definitely heard about it. Thor had been all too happy to tell you the tale of ‘Lady Potts decimating her star-spangled foe’. Something you were more than eager to hear. 

Which is how Pepper had found the two of you. Laughing over Thor’s depiction of events. Her own agitation quickly falling away at your joy. And, while it didn’t last long, you were thankful to Thor for allowing it to appear all the same. 

Returning to the United States, to New York City, was like stepping into a nightmare. At least while you were in Wakanda you could pretend that billions of people weren’t dead. That it hadn’t been something that affected half of the universe. Seeing the empty cars on the side of the road. The few people littering the street looking lost. Faces pale and emotionless as they shuffled aimlessly from place to place. 

It was a sight that you would never forget. Yet another thing that you were going to have nightmares about. 

The Compound wasn’t any better. Echoes of days long passed hitting you with full intensity as you made your way through the silent halls. The laughter that sounded so foreign to your ears now ghosting across your ears on a phantom breeze. Distant chattering that only seemed to fade the closer you got to it. Memories haunted the halls of the Compound. But nothing would ever be worse than the Tower. The place that you and Tony had built together. A great marvel that was forever placed within Manhattan's skyline. Knowing that he wouldn’t be there when you arrived caused you to stay away. 

You didn’t think you would be able to handle those memories. Of lazy Sunday afternoons lounging around in pajamas while Pepper was taking various calls. Tony doing his best to make her break away from her no-nonsense CEO facade. Only succeeding once before Pepper shot him a withering look that held no heat behind it. The sound of his laughter bouncing off the hallways as he cheated at Mario Kart. Your own expletives joined in soon after as you were hit, once again, with a shell. 

Knowing that the Compound did this to you; even though you rarely visited it. How could you possibly set foot in the Tower? The one place that had made you feel truly at home. 

Drinking helped ease the pain. Helped quiet the memories that kept surfacing as you stayed in the Compound. You know that it wouldn’t be what Tony wanted. That he never wanted you to have the problems he had, but as the days passed. As the pain, the grief, continued to grow, you found it harder and harder to resist the amber liquid. Tony wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t there to tell you a joke when you were feeling low. He wasn’t there to tell you that he loved you in his own special way.

He wasn’t there.

So you settled for the numbness and the sound of his voice in the distance. Always there in a dark corner but never obtainable.

Anything would be better than not having him with you. 

On the second week of your stay in the Compound, the others appeared. The sound of the QuinJet only pulling your gaze towards the yard for a moment before you looked back down. You knew that they would be coming sooner or later. The world needed protectors. And they had just lost their greatest. The people of Earth needed to have someone to look towards. 

It was only a matter of time before they called on them. 

You didn’t even raise your gaze when you heard them enter. Their voices petering off when they noticed you sitting on one of the many couches with a StarkPad in hand. 

“You didn’t think I would just let you stay here by yourselves, did you?”

Your question was only met by silence. You were hoping that they didn’t question you on how you knew. That they didn’t notice the dark shadows under your eyes from lack of sleep. Or the empty decanter on the glass table before you. 

Steve was the one to respond. “We didn’t but I wasn’t aware it was going to be you, Y/N.”

Glancing up, you narrow your eyes. “Well, I’m the only Stark left so it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, Rogers.”

You don’t wait for a response, suddenly finding it too hard to be in the same room as him, as you stand. Trying to ignore the way the room spun ever-so-slightly at the motion. Easily gathering your bearings as you made your way out of the room.

Trying to ignore the way an emerald green gaze watched you as you left. 

You weren’t surprised when she found you-- annoyed maybe but not surprised. Sometimes you hated that she knew you so well. Hated that she could still read you like a children's book. 

You didn’t bother to turn towards her as she stepped onto the terrace. Your gaze remains level with the horizon. Hoping, no matter how much it hurt, that you would see something. Anything. A single sign that Tony was coming back to you. That he was alive. 

Feeling her warm presence settle beside you should have caused you to tense. Should have caused you to move away at the closeness. It should have caused you to do a lot of things but you don’t. You simply stay rooted to the spot as Natasha leveled her gaze towards the side of your face. Her keen green eyes took in everything that she could see. 

You tried not to tense when her eyes flickered down towards your hands. Towards the glass that, by some miracle, hadn’t broken due to your tight grip. The amber liquid glowing softly underneath the moonlight. 

She doesn’t say anything for a long while. Simply standing with you underneath the moonlit sky. The only sound passing between you being your breathing. 

Until her husky voice finally breaks the silence. “He wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, Y/N.”

You tense. “And how would you know what Tony wants Natalia?” 

You didn’t have to be looking at her to see the wince that you caused. Your own heart feeling heavy at your acidic retort. But, unlike most people, she didn’t shy away from your anger. She didn’t even seem to be fazed by it.

“Because, despite what you may think, I still consider you and Tony my family. I know how much Tony loves you, Y/N. I know how much you love him.” She grows silent for a moment before she continues. Her tone much softer than it was before. “And I know how much I love you.”

Your eyes slip shut at the quiet admission. A painful lurch of your heart telling you what you had been trying to ignore for the last two years. That you love Natasha Romanoff. That you always would… no matter what. 

“That’s not fair,” you whisper. Finally turning your gaze to meet hers. “You can’t just come back into my life after two years and say those things to me. You can’t just say you love me like it’s going to fix anything.”

Her eyes flash. Turning razor sharp before your eyes as she steps closer. “It could change everything, Y/N.” Emerald green implores you to listen to her. To actually hear and understand what she was trying to say. “I love you, Y/N Stark. You are the love of my life. You are the only love of my life. I hate myself for hurting you. For breaking us apart because I couldn’t see the bigger picture. You are the only woman that has ever made me feel cherished. The only person that has ever made me feel truly loved.”

You shake your head. “You left, Natasha.”

“Because you told me to,” Natasha cries. Her green gaze grew even brighter because of unshed tears. “Do you think I wouldn’t have stayed? That I wouldn’t have fought tooth and nail to keep you? That I wouldn’t have let this whole world burn if it meant I could be with you for one more moment? You told me to leave, Y/N. I had already broken enough that day. I wasn’t going to stay and break your heart even more.”

“And you think this time will be any different?” You ask with an incredulous frown pulling your brow down. “You think that I don’t have nightmares about my parents death? That I don’t see my mother being murdered while my father couldn’t do anything but watch? You think that I’m not haunted every single fucking day that the love of my life kept that from me. That you lied to my face about one of the single most important things in my life.” Moving away, after setting your glass down, you run a hand through your hair. Your mouth thinning into a line. “You don’t think I wanted you to stay too?”

At your admission, Natasha moves towards you. Her gaze desperate as she took your hand in hers. “This time I will, Y/N. I won’t let you go again. Doing so last time almost killed me. I promise that I won’t ever lie to you again.” She shakes her head as she takes another small step closer, her hand resting gently against your cheek. “I promise that I’ll love you the way you should be loved until our last dying breaths.”

Your eyes flutter shut at the touch. It had been too long since you had felt her. Felt the way her fingertips ran across your cheek. The simple elegance that she always exuded being interlaced with her love for you. But you couldn’t forget what had happened. Your heart lurching in your chest as you remember the sting of betrayal once more. 

Pulling away from her, you take a few steps back and fold your arms over your chest. You needed to have distance between your bodies. You wouldn’t be able to think clearly if she was near. 

“I need time to think, Natasha.” You finally say after a tense stare off. “I need to come to terms with a lot of things in my life.”

Nodding, Natasha takes a small step back. Even though it looked like everything in her body was telling her to move towards you. Her green gaze glowed with a gentle warmth. “I’ll wait for as long as you need, Y/N. I’ll be damned if I lose you again.” Turning away from you, Natasha pauses at the door. Her gaze meets yours once more with a small smile quirking her lips. “And, just so you know, I had nothing before I found this family. Before I found you.”

Then she was gone. Leaving only you and the echoing of her words behind. 

Now…

You haven't truly spoken to Natasha since the exchange. She had kept true to her word about waiting for you. Her gaze always finds yours the moment you enter a room she was in. Always making it clear that you could approach her whenever you wished to. Though she never forced her presence onto you. Maintaining a respectable distance from you at all times. Not far enough for you to not know she was there but not close enough for you to feel crowded. 

You had tried to come up with ways why you couldn’t let her back in. Her betrayal being the main factor but even you knew that it wasn’t valid any longer. Even Tony had told you to look past it. That Natasha was so head over heels for you that her reasons had been honorable. Severely misguided, maybe, but honorable. 

Oh, Tony, if you were here I wouldn’t feel so lost. You would just tell me what to do. Give me your patented smirk and berate me about my head being up my ass. Lowering your gaze, you run a frazzled hand through your hair. If I get one sign that you’re alright I’ll give her one more chance. I’ll make it work because I know that this is what the universe wants. That you returning to me is a sign that I’m supposed to be with Natasha. 

At your eternal declaration, you glance towards the sky. Hope fills your chest as you observe the moonlit sky. Only to quickly be crushed as the minutes ticked by and nothing happened. Your heart breaks even more in your chest at getting your hopes up. 

Stepping back from the railing, you decide that it would be best if you headed in. Maybe drown your sorrows with a few glasses of whiskey before turning in for the night. Pressing your hand against the smooth glass of the door, you have to squint at the sudden light from behind you. Your eyes barely being able to focus through the brilliant blaze. Glancing behind you, your eyes widen at the sight of a spaceship being placed down onto the ground. Your breath catching in your throat as you leapt into action. 

You didn’t even register your mad dash through the Compound. Didn’t notice the confused looks or the shouts of your name. Didn’t register the cold grass against your bare feet as you rushed across the lawn. All you could see was the spaceship. 

All you could see was the hatch opening and two figures exiting. 

All you could see was the exhausted face of your older brother. His dark brown eyes meet yours through the darkness. Relief flooding his expression as he hobbled towards you. Disconnecting from the blue arm that was keeping him steady. 

All you could register was the feeling of having him in your arms again. Your nose pressing into his neck as you clung to him. Soft sobs rip from your throat as his calloused hands gently run through your hair. 

“You’re alive.”

It was like a mantra that you brokenly repeated over and over again. Each time making it even more real that Tony was actually there with you. That he wasn’t gone. That you could still see, touch, and hear him.

His answering response never failed to bring more tears cascading down your cheeks. “I’m here.”

You could hear the others as they approached you. By the tensing of Tony in your arms you know that Rogers was at the front. Pulling back, you touch Tony’s face. A soft sob falling from your lips at how emaciated he looked.

Offering him a watery smile, your thumb gently rubbing against his cheek. “We’ll have to get some food for you. I don’t think the space diet suits you, Tones.”

He offers you a small smile in return. The familiar spark reigniting in his gaze before fading away. His next words came out in a dull whisper. “I lost the kid.”

You didn’t know what to say to that. Your own shock filled you as the devastation in Tony’s eyes became apparent. You had known for quite some time that Tony thought of Peter like a son. That Tony would do anything to keep him safe. You viewed Peter as a little brother you always wanted. A warm presence that filled your life with meaning once more. His childish antics brightening your day and bringing a smile to your face. Knowing that he was gone? That you would never hear his horrible jokes again? Or his anxious rambles? It broke your heart. For both losing Peter and for Tony having to witness it. 

“I’m sorry, Tony.” You shake your head. “He was a good kid.”

“Yeah he was.”

Opening your mouth, you’re about to respond but a shrill cry breaks through. “Tony!”

Turning, you could see Pepper rushing towards you both. Her blue gaze locked with Tony as she ran. Without thinking twice you move aside as Pepper takes your spot. Moving away to give her and Tony some privacy. Or however much one could get in an open lawn. 

Not realizing how close you were to the others, you flinch at the sudden presence at your side. Your gaze meeting Natasha’s. Her green gaze filled with warmth and happiness. A small smile quirking her lips as she observes the scene before her. Pepper’s strong hold on Tony not wavering in the slightest even as Rhodey appeared too. Both taking their turns in showering the genius with hugs. 

Shifting, your hand gently brushes the back of Natasha’s. Her eyes shifted towards yours for a moment before returning front and center. Biting your lip, you deliberate on what to do. As Natasha had clearly just given you the sign that the ball was in your court. That however you reacted to this situation would be all up to you. 

You could step away. Pretend like nothing had happened. That it had been a simple accident and nothing more.

Or you could take her hand and finally accept what your heart was screaming at you. What it had been trying to tell your stubborn mind for the last two years. That Natasha Romanoff was the love of your life and you were never going to find anyone like her. That despite all this tragedy you could learn how to be happy again because she was by your side. 

I did promise the universe, you muse with amusement dancing across your mind. And I don’t like breaking promises. 

So, without breaking eye contact with the scene in front of you, you take Natasha’s hand. Allowing a small smile to quirk your lips at the way she immediately interlaced her fingers with yours. Noticing the warm smile that was now curling her lips through your peripheral. 

Squeezing her hand, your heart leapt in your chest at the answering squeeze in response. Your body singing with happiness at having Natasha returned to you. 

Despite everything, despite all the hardships you would now have to face, you would be able to do so.

As long as you had Natasha by your side you could get through anything. 

And nothing would ever change that. 

[muddshadow]

find the word tag

more words to be found!! thank you @spacetimewraithwrites ! in return... @draculinawrites , @emelkae , @kashacreates , @kaiusvnoir , @sleepyowlwrites, @tc-doherty​ , and @blind-the-winds​ ... i am bopping you all gently on the head. and anyone else! feel free to find these words and tag me!

your words ; review , grow , expect , black , glare

INSIDE // trystan

“Did something happen?” he asks me.

I want to reply sarcastically because what a stupid question, but that worried little pucker in his lip makes me hesitate. “Bumped into some old pals today,” I say, shaking off his hand. The words taste like bile. “But you know me. I prefer to run away from all my problems.”

“Who did you—?”

“I’ll tell you later. Don’t wanna bring any bad juju into the syrup, you know?” I grab the Crown Royal by its neck and stand from the counter. “I think you told me that too. Alchemy pulls from your emotions. Or was that about making curses?”

Sebastien isn’t satisfied with my watery response, but he does me the service of dropping the subject.  “It’s both, you ass. Maybe you don’t need the dream syrup. There’s nothing left inside your head.”

“Only my fondness for you.”

“I hope a witch steals that next.”

INTRODUCE // at the bottom of the waterfall

Stirring, thinking, Ysabelle dared another compliment. “Your purging is getting pretty good, too. Is that the school you want to study in?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.”

Ysabelle glimpsed meaningfully to Lo, who lounged crooked but comfortable against the far wall, mostly bored but always attentive. Dew collected the floor around them. They narrowed all four eyes at her.

“A smart magician is capable in all schools, of course.” Ysabelle tapped the ladle clean and set it aside. “But you know… purging is especially important right now. Like at the chasms, for instance.”

Louis looked up.

“A terrible idea,” Lo said resolutely.

Ysabelle continued, “It might be a good place for you to learn more of that field. Or other things. Whatever you expect to learn from destruction.”

“You’re really serious? You’ll take me to where I grew up?”

“Well, let’s be fair here, that’s a hefty journey and I’m only considering an introductory trip to the chasms. Strictly educational. Just so you understand how the environment changed after the whole… when I…” Ysabelle cleared her throat. “Seems the draught is ready. Have you readied the papers? Ready the papers.”

INNOCENT // to forget a prince (old draft)

But he didn’t like this stranger asking questions, and he didn’t like her avoidance of his own, so Kon demanded, “What’s your business here?”

“I told you—”

“Innocent bystander. Right. Standing in the forest, by yourself, with no supplies?”

“Innocently bystanding,” she corrected. “My supplies are with my horse, probably scared halfway across the continent by now. I believe that one’s your fault?”

INTELLIGENT // trystan

Sebastien feels courteous enough to come by my apartment a little before eight. I wait outside until he putters up to the corner in his immortal, busted up minivan. Tonight, the upholstery smells like rotted garbage. I’m quick to inform him.

“Just finished a batch out of the trunk,” Sebastien says. He has the tendency to talk at his own pace, like every other word needs a careful look over. When we first met, I thought he was mocking my intelligence, but I learned pretty quick he prefers to do that without subtlety.

INSPIRE // to forget a prince

A ladder cut steeply into the bluff, complete with foot shelves, hand holds, and a bolted safety rope that looked like it might hold one person for a moment or two and then nothing else afterward.

“Hm,” Diorre said, uninspired.

“Hard to miss. Good thing the hungered almost tossed me off the edge,” Yulei said with a grin. She started for the ladder. “I’ll let you know if I see any. Screaming means I’ve been ambushed, and silence means I’ve been ambushed effectively.”

“You’re not really going down there.”

But Yulei showed no signs of reluctance, talking as she tightened her satchel strap and tucked the folds of her shawl. “It’s a really important research project, I’m on a deadline, and my professor is a bit of a hard-ass. So, uh, I’d say it was nice to meet you, but it wasn’t really. Good luck!” She slotted her boot in the first step.

INSPECT // at the bottom of the waterfall

He found some shade under a stand’s canopy and waited for his final order to box. After heeding all the vendors’ chatter through the morning, he didn’t feel like talking any further and maintained a firmly grumpy expression to scare people off.

But a stranger approached anyway.

“Good morning!” the strange man hailed with a wave, undeterred by the scowl. “Or is afternoon now? The sun works quicker than I manage to! Do I have the honor of speaking with the young novice Louis?”

Equally tall, they spoke eye-to-eye, and Louis found that unusual enough to draw back a step and inspect the man. He was clean-shaven and expensively dressed like an important magician might be, with a flat nose and sparkling eyes and two long plaits of black hair tucked neatly across his shoulders. His grin was positively radiant.

Louis cringed, convinced it was a polished performance, and he really didn’t want to chat with two shopping bags crooked in his elbows. “Magi Lavonde is available through appointment only,” he tediously recited. “And she’s never interested in political solicitations, so if that’s your angle…”

“No, you misunderstand! I’ve a query for you.”

“Well, I don’t talk to strangers. Go away.”

[bitterarcs]

The bitterness laced in mere laugh was informative enough; these two could not have a normal interaction, could they? However by all accounts, something dripping in hostility or playfulness was the norm for Reno. What was it about Reno's face — maybe it was his markings, his handsome lips, or some invisible tattoo across his forehead ( that everyone else other than its owner was able to see ) that begged people to lecture. The redhead was being too nice and too lax which said a lot considering he did not hesitate to smash the stupid mouth of a patron who looked at him even remotely funny.

There was a heaviness in the Turk's eyes; the kind of weight which could have gone in either the direction of rolling his eyes or glaring. Reno opted to guard his expression into stony neutrality as he sipped on his caffeinated beverage. Naturally, Midgar's history was an appealing subject considering he lived it, watched it, and hadn't had the time to affect it until he joined ShinRa. He amused Jae-Hyo by playing the role of the ignorant bystander; the only indication he was listening was that he did not immediately leave, even going as far as leaning against the humming machine to ensure he remained in place.

Midgar was a big place. Wall Market alone was home to numerous gangs and wannabe gangs ( just a gang of delinquents ) with members ranging from the age of eleven to forty. Reno had attempted to nibble at the remaining gil that was produced from tricking out girls and gamblers giving their life savings away, but the competition was suffocating and, frankly, annoying. The rest of Midgar had plenty of offer depending how keen and desperate the eye was. At the end of Jae's little tirade, the redhead used the pinky of his free hand to pick at imaginary gunk in his ear . . you know, playing up the image that people saw.

(  ❛  Mah what? ❜  )

Reno knew what mah-jong was, but it was all part of playing into people's illusions. He wiped the tip of his pinky against the trousers of his two-piece suit before taking a noisy slurp of his drink.

(  ❛  Alright, fine, you don't look like a rat. Didn't know I bruised your ego so much. You know what, shit, it's all my fault for behaving like a human. Y'know, humans who have their friends and . . other people they have to interact with. People judge. People trust some, dislike others. Expecting me to braid your hair or somethin'? Frankly, I don't give you much thought at all, and that's better than what I think of most of people. So . . good chat? ❜  )

The redhead was fully expecting another rant or a purposefully aimed kick to send his beverage splashing all over his chest and white button-down. Reno moved away from the vending machine and swirled the cup's contents, letting the steam hit his nose as turquoise eyes focused on Jae's face.

Jae laughs, a quick bark of genuine amusement.

"And here I'd thought being tailored for a bespoke suit and having a four-figure paycheck had made you forget about where you came from," he sighs, pushing onto his splayed knees to take a standing position again.

Reno was a creature of impulse. Whenever the mood struck, it really didn’t matter who was there tagging along for the ride. Much like a raggedy alley cat wandering the streets it thought it owned, his moods could shift from playful to aloof at the drop of a hat.

Jae normally liked cats. Had Reno come along his way in another lifetime, he probably would have beat the crap out of him with a broom.

"You know, this makes me all nostalgic. See, back when Wall Market was run by a much better man rather than an oversized perverted toddler- Well... I actually don't know how much about where you were at the time, but things were pretty good. Saburo wasn’t actually head for all that long and even though everyone you'd ask would've sworn up and down that he’s the man, they didn’t always think that. He won that seat by the skin of his teeth and nearly died doing it. So he becomes head, but there’s still people who aren’t too keen on it — especially since he’s got notions that some people figured were a bit old-fashioned."

Yoon crooks an arm and splays his fingers against the decorative facing of a cup noodle vending machine, tilting his head and looking off into some far-away distance back when shit made sense in the city of sin.

"Aside from the guys that backed Saburo, the two main guys that were in play were Leesang, the second-hand of the guy Saburo won over, and Choi, one of the old guard. Leesang and his group figured they could still hold on to some of what they had before and Choi’s bunch of oldies were the sort that weren’t too keen on any new, young guys coming into power what with them always wanting to change things. Didn’t matter who you were, if you weren’t them, you were just doing it wrong. That didn’t keep them from constantly picking one side or another just to muck with things, though."

The annoyance in his voice is obvious when it came to mentioning Choi and his men, all wrinkled and shriveled up has-beens with faces like a chicken's asshole.

"Now, I didn’t like Leesang because he was the one guy that wasn’t holding to the old ways. Didn’t like the way Saburo wanted to go back with us swearing the old oaths and being bros and shit. And though he was sticking with it publicly, the only brothers he was gonna benefit were the ones who were best at kissing his ass. Choi’s group was even worse. They were just of buncha oldies that were so strung up on spite, they couldn’t do everyone a favor and just die. They liked getting their jollies by making everyone else land in shit."

He glances up at Reno from beneath dark lashes, eyelids falling to half mast with the same lazy intensity a tiger's might before it decides stuffing you in it's jaws might be fun.

"I know for a fact that your never ran with Wall Market's own personal octogenarian club, but man does your general attitude remind me of them. Kinda like you just look down your nose on anyone who's not a part of your special little retiree mah-jong circle."

[etherealxgenie]

Why Lila is Marinette’s Own Fault || Miraculous Why?

(Before I begin, note that this is my opinion over the topic and am no way am bashing anyone’s love for the ship and/or character. I respect who and what you like, therefore expect the same courtesy. However, if this is something you cannot handle, please click the back button as this will be a heavily discussed topic. No flames allowed. Other than that, enjoy.)

So usually in the story, there’s always one or two mean girls who is out to get the main character for some kind of superior reasons to justify. And there’s no reason as to why they act this way just for the sake of being mean.

Like the Ashleys from “Recess”, who tend to pick on kids just for the fun of it sometimes or cause they’re popular.

Same can go for Libby from “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” who was out to get something for what she wants or just to be superior to the other kids in school.

For Miraculous, we already have that kind of character, Chloe Bourgeois, who is the daddy’s girl of the Mayor to get what she wants. And until we had some small character development in season two (which season 3 took it away!!), we had no reason feeling sorry for her and she was just for the convenient plot in the social life for Marinette in the series.

And then… there’s Lila.

Before I get into hand in this, let me note that Lila is not a good person at all in the show. She’s a liar, a manipulator and will do whatever she can to get what she wants. She breaks into homes, steals and molests pretty models. She’s been pretty shown to be just selfish without consequences and unless we get a background story of why she acts this way, she has no excuse. Especially when she teams up with hawkdaddy to now have permission to invade and spy on Adrien whenever she wants? Fuck that.

So in Volpina, Lila is introduced as this pathological liar to get attention in season one. She obviously goes for Adrien cause he’s the famous model after all. Reasonable considering as the new person looking for attention, you seek out the most popular/famous person in the school. That would Adrien.

Though considering with her connections, it would’ve been smarter to try and impress Marinette instead if Lila did her research before she came into the scene. But of course, new person so she wouldn’t know, but whatever.

And we can see Lila easily just says things just to get Adrien’s approval and such.

And so, Marinette follows them around (stalking? really?) because Tikki points out Lila has the book Adrien took from his father’s vault and threw it in the trash.

Now the SMART thing to do would’ve been to see how Adrien would handle the situation and wait for him to leave, if to acknowledge Adrien has a mind of his own and knows when to walk away (which he does). Or at the very least, try to distract them as Marinette while Tikki retrieved the book.

But… no. You transform into Ladybug to lash out at a girl PUBLICALLY, for anyone including Adrien to hear, just to embarrass her and call her out on her lying because she… “hates liars”.

Marinette, you fucking lie ALL the time! Most of those times to Adrien! And I’m not just talking about when in regard to being Ladybug, you hypocritical- (groans)

I can list plenty of episodes: Gamer, Aninmaestro, Ikari Gozen and hell, even Reverser counts! If she hadn’t lied about Marc’s book, Nathaniel wouldn’t have torn it! (sighs)

And before you all start jumping at me saying Lila got what she deserves, I only agree partially. Ladybug, as a public figure and heroine, practically the face of Paris, acted irrationally lashing out at a bystander because of lies which were or were not believable. Lila was broadcasting a post or making the news, she was trying (poorly) to impress a boy. Ladybug gave Lila the Regina George treatment.

Yeah, so you caused an akumatized situation and Lila hates your guts. Hell, I would hate you too. That’s like a celebrity jumping at an innocent bystander when they’re whispering to their friend about a rumor that only the two of them were talking about. You can’t jump to try and stop them and should just let it dispel on its own. At that point, Lila had no real power but you just influenced her.

And… oh boy did things get worse because of this.

Look season 3 was trash (except for moments in certain episodes) and I feel talking about the infamous ‘Chameleon’ physically hurts me but… yeah gotta point out a few things. The whole episode was unrealistic, and it was an obvious ploy to be sympathetic to Marinette with Lila back… but… you’re not fooling me.

So, Lila is still on her lying game, being able to fool the students and the staff?! Okay if you believe a student has so many disabilities without any paperwork proof, you can actually get fired for that for fraud. As someone who worked with education before, that’s just pure incompetence.

So yeah, Marinette comes to school seeing the seats changes to accommodate Lila and upright begins to plot to discredit her for her lies. UM… what happened to trying to start over with Lila after failing to do so the first time?

Oh, that’s right. She gets that way (at least partly) because Lila is sitting next to Adrien. I can understand if it was because they rearranged the seating without her say so but let’s face it. Lila sitting next to Adrien was her real trigger.

So since Marinette failed to acknowledge her mistake the first time, she spends all day trying to prove Lila is lying and in return the class is angry at her. Alya even comes to point out that Marinette is jealous of Lila.

And you know what? Alya is right.

Alya knows at least what Marinette is capable of doing so when it comes to Adrien and how far she’s willing to go. Remember that Alya is the one who encouraged her to break into his locker and steal his phone. So of course, she’s worried Marinette is gonna do something to the new girl.

I don’t blame Alya for doing one of the most competent things in the show: Warning Marinette to NOT go off the handle without proof and not make herself look bad in the process.

And because Marinette failed to do so… she made Lila her enemy AGAIN. It was bad enough you had her as your enemy as Ladybug, but now you get to deal with twice the drama!

Your own fucking fault, Marinette.

Also, the advice Adrien gave? I don’t blame for him for it and neither should you. Yes, his advice is not perfect, but with the options he has on his plate, its hard to do something otherwise.

For every encounter Adrien has had with Lila, it ended up with her being akumatized or a disaster no matter how he tried to handle her. We didn’t get to see how he would resolve in Volpina because of Ladybug’s intervention, but he would try at least in Chameleon and try to get her to see she didn’t need to lie and actually tried to befriend her. At this point, Lila was already triggered by Ladybug and Marinette so she just might have to take Adrien by force instead.

At that point, Adrien just wants to stay away and which he was trying to tell Marinette don’t interact with Lila or confront her cause there’s no way to do so at this point. Maybe he was trying to tell her to wait until her rumors got discredited, but he didn’t say it clear enough for her to understand.

And keep in mind, Adrien is a sheltered child with little to zero social skills taught to him by Nathalie and Gabriel. Hell, we don’t know how his childhood was really like even with Emelie around either and Adrien seems more like the pacifist unless he needs to absolutely step in. And he did by cleaning up Marinette’s mess in ‘Ladybug’. So now he’s gotta suffer being around Lila more because of Marinette making Lila her enemy.

But once again, this is bad writing as the writers of the show obviously forgot what it’s like to live in reality. In the real world, Lila would be immediately discredited without any proof the moment she came back. Not to mention, some of the class have their own connections and have more braincells proven in the previous episodes. Google search and such. A 5-year-old wouldn’t believe these lies in these times. Hey, I believe that because I once had a kid in kindergarten during my time as an afterschool art teacher look at one of my books I illustrated before and said they liked the ‘graphics’.

Kids are fucking smarter nowadays than you think.

The only reason anyone would believe Lila’s lies is if she’s magically influenced with some kind of ‘silver tongue’ spell or something and honestly? It looks like that’s the reason.

I dunno if Thomas Astruc or Zag is trying to insult the kids/adults or insult themselves to say Paris people aren’t that smart. If it’s the latter, you should see what you are doing because I don’t want to believe that because that’s disrespectful.

I know it seems I’m trying to stand up for Lila this portion, but I’m just looking things in a  more realistic and logical way. Did Lila take things too far? Yes, waaaayyy too far and should be arrested for it since she works for Hawkmoth. But it could’ve been handled better and that makes Marinette at fault too.

Part of me wonders if she’s done this before because in Zombiezou, she also causes Chloe to ruin her gift for Ms. bustier. If Marinette didn’t antagonize Chloe in the locker in front of the class, maybe she wouldn’t have done anything. Again, I’m not saying Chloe was justified, but if that was the reason, yeah I can see her doing it for payback.

So to all those fics where I’m supposed to be ‘Boo-hoo’ for Marinette because of what Lila did? Fuck you guys because you need to dig deeper into the story to see both sides and not just make it a pity party where Marinette is the innocent victim.

It’s called “Cause and Effect”.

And considering she made Lila her enemy, Marinette is gonna get effected enough because that’s how karma works.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 2)

And we're back with more exciting and mean Natsume! Here we will further explore Natsume's life and how absolutely dark his existence is, as well as some very important aspects of his personality that will be useful to us when NatsuMikan starts picking up speed.

Again, I am warning people that this whole essay in general talks heavily about topics like bullying, child abuse, suicidal ideation, and depression, so if those are triggering topics, it might be better for you to not read.

Previously, we were introduced to Natsume and he has sent Mikan on a dangerous quest to the Northern Woods. During that trip, she and her friends have captured his one and only best friend, Ruka, which will not bode well.

Chapter Five

Chapter Five is instrumental for completing Natsume’s introduction, long as it’s been. Natsume is a mysterious character, and he will continue to be evasive and strange for many chapters to come, but by the end of this chapter, we will understand some basic foundation for his character.

The chapter starts with Ruka’s point of view, recalling a moment when he saw Natsume cry, presumably after a mission. Ruka wonders why it’s only Natsume that has to go through “this”, and Natsume tells him that he can take it--for now. He says he wants to grow up and be an adult, to be big and strong enough to properly escape this hell. This is a consistent wish of Natsume’s, and in many ways his only wish: to grow up already.

Higuchi really out here trying to convince us this was supposed to be a cheerful story.

Natsume had to be an adult, had to make the selfless and responsible choices for the sake of his family and for Ruka, had to abandon play and smiles and laughter for a life of secret missions and frequent hospital trips. He’s dying and he wants to be an adult already because he’s certain he’ll never be able to grow up. He wants his body to match the level of responsibility he’s had to take on, but he can’t force the outside to match the inside, especially when he’ll probably be dead long before it happens anyway. This wish evolves and changes when he falls for Mikan, but it doesn’t go away.

He associates adulthood with control, because his life at the academy has been observing the adults control and use him. He wants control for once, to be able to make a choice and even just say no.

Ruka notes that Natsume hasn’t cried at all since that night, and that he now keeps all his sorrow locked away. This kid needs therapy, immediately. This is another reason that Ruka is so precious to Natsume. Ruka is compassionate and kind, so concerned about his friend that he would also shut away his own heart so that he can’t be happy for as long as Natsume is in agony.

Natsume has a scene of his own, where he snaps at Permy for saying that Mikan is full of crap and lying about being an alice. He points out that the academy is not an easy place to lie your way into, and Permy immediately backtracks and lies that she’s agreed with him this whole time. Like I’d said earlier about the loneliness involved in being surrounded by fans who don’t really know or understand you, having people all around you bend over backwards for your approval makes it clear that they really have no interest in what you’re saying, just that you’re the one saying it.

In the anime essay, I’d pointed out that because of their admiration for him, it would elude people that Natsume is in fact lonely. He speaks out against things and people rush to agree, not really considering why he might say that. This is a similar moment, though he doesn’t seem too bothered by Permy’s behavior. It’s still concerning, but it’s interesting to compare this “yes, man” attitude to Ruka’s.

There is obviously a difference between someone agreeing with every word of your mouth no matter how much it changes and contradicts, bending over backwards for your approval, and someone wanting to match you out of compassion, but Ruka’s line of thinking does still have some major flaws.

Ruka is a child, just like the rest of them, so even though this behavior is motivated by love and compassion, it’s still immature and raises some questions.

“If you won’t smile, I won’t smile either,” is a sweet line, but now Natsume is aware that Ruka’s misery is his fault. If he wasn’t so sad, Ruka could be happy. This doesn’t make Natsume happy; it just makes them both sad, and that doesn’t solve any problems. Naturally, Natsume would never say that, and Ruka would claim he’s unbothered and--just like Natsume--that he doesn’t care about hanging out with the others, but they’re both miserable now, and I think this is part of the reason why there’s a gap between them at the start of the manga, and why they’re a bit distant, despite being best friends.

They’re each other’s most important person, but they don’t really communicate that well, and Ruka constantly feels like a burden.

Natsume needs something that Ruka can’t give him, and that something is what he’ll eventually get from Mikan.

That being said, at the moment, Natsume is getting nothing but irritation from Mikan. When he finds out Mikan and her gang kidnapped Ruka, that irritation turns into rage and we see a final fundamental building block for Natsume’s character: his berserk button.

Natsume doesn’t care about the reasoning or justification for the kidnapping. He doesn’t care about explanations or common sense.

His rage only increases when he discovers Ruka was tied up and even beaten (he is told this by a classmate, when Ruka is actually unharmed). The other kids in Class B--his admirers--are terrified to see how scary Natsume is when he’s furious.

Natsume's biggest weakness is Ruka so Mikan is kinda fucked.

He doesn’t care about the game anymore. He only cares about Ruka.

So he goes to the Northern Woods, where nobody is expecting him. He tells Mikan to leave the school, which… she cannot do, obviously. He is overtaken by rage and he ceases to be reasonable.

He uses his alice on everyone but Ruka, and is about to use it on Mikan, but her alice nullifies it. Then Narumi kisses him, prompting him to pass out.

Here, we are introduced to a consistent character trait of Natsume’s, one that may contradict all that talk about forced maturity and selflessness. In fact, Natsume’s habit to go absolutely postal on anyone who threatens a loved one is a contradictory one. Going into a rage requires the sacrifice of common sense and reason for the sake of complete emotional detonation, and as a result he fails to understand that his actions could inadvertently hurt his loved ones or innocent bystanders. No reassuring words are enough to calm him down, and sure enough Natsume will destroy something.

It’s important that we see this trait now, as part of Natsume’s informal introduction, as we will see plenty more instances of it later on. In a way, going berserk for someone can even be a love language of his, where if a person being threatened is enough to set him off, he probably cares about them.

And just as interesting as seeing what he does in these situations is posing the why! Why is it that Natsume goes ballistic in these situations, when it requires the loss of the one thing he wishes he had more of, control? My guess is that Natsume has had a rough childhood and much of that time was spent running away from a dangerous entity. Staying cool and calculated under some conditions would have its benefits, but so would the quick-action and confidence that Natsume would gain by going berserk. When you have to protect someone, and Natsume has been in that situation many times, then it’s sometimes even beneficial to be able to lose yourself for a moment or two. But perhaps it’s not that either. Natsume is, despite all his airs of coldness and mystery, actually a very emotional person, and in that way he is easy to understand. Even if this isn’t a habit he developed by watching his loved ones ripped away from him through either extortion, manipulation, or just plain murder, it’s still something he might be predisposed to: attacking with everything he has despite not having a clear plan or even any real thought.

Chapter Six

We pick up where we left off and Natsume wakes up grumpy after everyone seeing him under the effects of Narumi’s pheromone alice. He causes more destruction, still in somewhat of a rage, and even causes Narumi a head wound though his teacher seems unbothered by this (or maybe even used to it, who can say).

The next thing that happens is that an alarm rings, signaling that Natsume is due for severe punishment, and, as Naru points out, not something he can help with this time. Narumi warns him to get a move on before a mystery enemy (Persona) arrives, and that is enough to scare Natsume into getting out of there. But not before he issues a word of warning of his own to Mikan, that she will regret coming to Alice Academy of her own free will.

Isn't it interesting how her optimism, something he hated so much about her from the start, ends up being something he loves about her?

I have very many thoughts about this warning. It might even seem like a threat, as if Natsume will go out of his way to make sure she regrets her decision, but he does no such thing. He is convinced that Mikan doesn’t need help reaching that conclusion--she will realize it on her own because the school is simply that terrible.

It makes a little bit of sense to view Natsume’s hatred of Mikan this way: Mikan skipped right into his own personal hell with a smile on her face and a bubbly attitude. Meanwhile, he fought and kicked and screamed right until the very end when he was forced into attending the academy. And Mikan is not some normal girl who might be able to live a quiet and pleasant life in the academy. She’s already been marked, what with all the games about her enrollment, and that might anger Natsume even more: she’s really naive enough to walk into a place that’s not just hell to him, but inevitably to her too. Because of this, Natsume hates her and is predisposed to hate her more the more cheerful and optimistic she is.

And, unlike in the anime, this hatred takes much longer to go away.

Anyway, we see Natsume again later in class, when he shows up late after having just been terribly abused as punishment for his actions in the Northern Woods.

In the anime, Natsume catches Mikan insulting him while wearing the punishment mask, and although he’s covered in scratches and the kids are whispering about his bad mood, there’s not much else to it. He doesn’t seem any more unpleasant than he’s been this whole time.

There's nothing funny about this but I will put here as a warning that anybody who jokes that kids should be hit will be hit by me!

In the manga, Natsume is so weak that he can hardly stand. It’s not just scratches, but blood and gashes on his wrists and legs. The mask is not only used to mark him, it’s also used to punish, by physically abusing him when Persona has better things to do.

He makes his way to his seat, but Narumi is on the way, just enough to make a quippy comment.

(I wonder sometimes about Narumi establishing himself as untrustworthy to the children, particularly Natsume, and how exactly that’s supposed to be a help to the student body at large. I mean there’s the possibility that Mikan is special, and her being Yuka’s daughter helped Narumi remember what he became a teacher for. In that case, it might make sense that Narumi, being so jaded and bitter, might be content acting as a villain to the abused children of the academy, and especially to Natsume, but I can’t help but feel that’s not the case. I don’t want to think that Narumi was willingly complicit and even amused by Natsume’s abuse. It’s difficult to tell for sure, though, because Narumi is way more mysterious than Natsume tries to be.)

Sumire tries to kiss up, whining to Natsume about how everyone is suddenly acting so nice to the new girl, until Natsume forcefully kicks her desk to shut her up. He only holds back with Ruka, who he would never lash out at.

Narumi then announces that Mikan shall have a partner, and that her partner will be Natsume. It’s funny because although Hotaru made it clear she didn’t want the job, Iinchou was willing to volunteer, but Narumi ignores that because he always wanted Natsume to be her partner. At this news, everyone is shocked, wondering if Mikan is supposed to be special, seeing as she’s paired up with Natsume of all people.

Narumi smiles to himself despite the chaos and then lets himself leave the classroom, saying, “let’s see what happens.”

Why does he partner them up?

Mikan thinks Narumi is crazy for this, and from an outside perspective it certainly might seem that way.

Natsume’s theory, as becomes clear later during the exams, is that this was organized by the ESP and Persona, perhaps as a punishment, but definitely with ulterior motives. He is closer to nailing it, but a little off. There is no way in hell the ESP would want to partner the child of rabble-rousers with the school’s pet child soldier. That’s a recipe for disaster. Knowing that the ESP was excited to welcome Mikan because of her alice, and that her presence at the school might encourage Yuka to try and save her, he wouldn’t have wanted to disturb his own plans.

So what is the reason?

It’s all Narumi, of course. Perhaps the O.G. shipper, Narumi could tell right away that Mikan’s nullification would be useful, particularly in regards to Natsume. Pairing them up is just another means to an end, as Narumi actually wants the kids to raise some trouble.

Chapter Seven

Being partners with Natsume is quite unhelpful.

Mikan ends up a No-Star and her Special-Star partner is for the most part absent throughout her ordeals, having to cope with it all on her own.

Chapter Seven is mainly lacking Natsume. He functions to not function for most of it, that is to establish himself as being a terrible partner.

There is a moment that stands out, when Mikan is writing a letter to her grandpa, where Natsume appears. Yes, he appears in her head to taunt her about her regret coming to the school, and she spites him by committing to optimism and determination in the future. But he also has a short appearance paralleling a panel of Mikan: they are both in their beds, awake.

WHAT WAS THE REASON?????!??!?!?

This parallel is interesting, their panels right next to each other. She is thinking about her grandpa, and we have no way of knowing what Natsume is thinking about, but there has to be a reason for him to appear despite having been mostly absent so far in the chapter.

To me, it’s another narrative tool to pair them together. They have been so far, in more ways than one, and will continue to be as they fall in love, and this is just another example of how they’d been fated from the start. Even when they hate each other, and even when they aren’t thinking of each other, they’re still tied. Looking at those panels, and seeing Natsume despite his relative irrelevance to the plot, seems to be a message that there’s more to come between them. I don’t know if any of what I’m saying makes sense, or if it seems silly, but there’s very little analysis I can do without just talking about potential.

Later, with Mikan in a new mood, ready to make the most of her situation, the kids are talking about her resilience with both her no-star status and having Natsume as a partner.

Ruka does the talking for Natsume, warning Mikan that she’s being watched and remarking that nobody should have been assigned a no-star for simply disturbing class.

Once again, Mikan and Natsume are paired: they are both treated unfairly, with Mikan given a no-star status she doesn’t deserve, and Natsume given a special-star status despite the fact that he doesn’t even go to class most of the time. They’re the exceptions to the rule, and the reader is made to wonder what exactly it is that they have in common that would result in this treatment.

Ruka tells Mikan not to trust any teachers at the academy, not even Naru, and this is almost like hearing from Natsume himself. Unlike Mikan, who will happily make strong bonds with teachers like Narumi and Nodacchi, Natsume has absolutely no positive adult figures in his life. His father is far away, his mother is dead, and every teacher is someone he holds either directly or indirectly responsible for his suffering. The adults at the school have failed him and he has nobody to trust. Something Natsume needs is a positive role model, somebody he can look up to and have faith in, because as it stands he’s a traumatized boy who absorbs negativity and takes it out in bad ways. A trustworthy adult would very much help Natsume grow and learn better coping skills, and in the meantime it makes perfect sense that he would act out and even be a bully at times.

Chapter Eight

Natsume has a habit of ignoring any and all episodes where Mikan has confrontations with her teachers. He is either dozing off or listening to music with Ruka, and doesn’t seem particularly interested in even watching.

That being said, we see a new side to Natsume in this chapter, a new emotion in a way we haven’t before: fear.

Natsume ditches class with regularity. He does not care about being present. For most classes, he would simply walk out and go screw around somewhere else, but with the dangerous ability class, he doesn’t have that choice.

The other teachers may be complicit, but they won’t do the abuse themselves. Persona is not above that, as we have already noticed despite never even seeing him so far.

If Natsume does not want to attend the dangerous ability class, then he has to run for it, and in this chapter he does, like his life depends on it, because his safety sure does. He’s only ten years old and forced to do horrible missions for the school. This is one of the scenes that reminds me that he is just a child. He knows he could get punished for running, but he does it anyway. Maybe, if he runs fast enough, they won’t catch him. Maybe, if he doesn’t get caught, he doesn’t have to go on a mission. Maybe, just this once, they won’t mind if he doesn’t show. It’s such a childish and desperate thing to do, to avoid pain at the cost of more pain to come.

Natsume is scary when he's scared...

It’s funny that as he is running from pain, he runs into Mikan, who will later alleviate his pain. For now, he just shuts her up so that Persona can pass the area while looking for him. We see Persona for the first time, what Natsume is scared of more than anything, and although his fear seems obvious, Mikan is preoccupied by annoyance for being shut up like that.

They bicker--or she bickers at him, mostly--until the middle schoolers encounter them and start bullying them.

Natsume is ready to ignore them and walk away, until Sumire’s brother calls him a murderer, reminding us of the rumor Hotaru and Iinchou discussed. Natsume stops, and Sumire’s brother whines that he’s just a special star because he’s “Persona’s favorite”.

Sumire and her brother have, like, nothing in common other than curly hair, huh.

Being Persona’s favorite is no privilege, as we know now from the run-in we just had with him and Natsume’s fear. This sets Natsume off and he starts some fires. When they threaten to call Persona, who Natsume was just running from, he responds that they can call him all they want, but he’ll burn them before he can get there to capture him. We see once again, through Natsume standing up for himself, that his berserk button lacks reason (as he is willing to sacrifice punishment by Persona again).

In a last-ditch attempt to threaten him, the middle schoolers threaten Mikan, who they perceive to be Natsume’s new girlfriend. (Calling her his girlfriend is interesting because it is even more proof that they are being narratively paired together! It shouldn’t be a surprise at all that they eventually get together, when almost everybody around them pairs them up like this, even when they can’t stand each other.) They do not expect that Natsume actually hates her, and genuinely doesn’t care if she gets bullied or not. He smiles in twisted amusement at this turn of events and walks away for good this time, leaving Mikan to be bullied.

Aw, he's smiling! How sweet.... oh wait that's a skull.

Now, Natsume is a good person deep inside, somebody who is selfless and kind in secret ways. There is no secret kindness about this scene. He is not a nice person, for sure, and this scene is proof of it.

Natsume is used to sacrificing himself for the comfort and well-being of his loved ones, so there might be relief in not caring about the comfort or well-being of somebody, and being able to choose his own well-being before that of somebody else for once. It makes sense that he would be so amused, because this time nobody has anything to hold over his head.

Conclusion

We have seen some more of the abuse Natsume faces on a daily basis. He and Mikan have been partnered up and they are presented narratively as foils and as pairs even outside of that dynamic.

For the next part, we'll see even more examples of them being paired together, as well as how Natsume is isolated from his classmates.

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