#maybe im the problem with seeking attention and stuff

[scratchyemporium]

when all your pizza rolls are gone

[katsyarn]

I love the way you write can you do Kenma. Kinda toxic Kenma, reader and him had an argument but it’s mainly just him being awful to her. So reader is sad and then he gets worried she’ll do some stuff to herself and then he comforts her yeaaaa emphasis on the him getting worried and guilty part.☺️

sorry this is kinda detailed

ECHOES OF SILENCE

Pairing: Kenma x Reader

Genre: Angst with Comfort

A/N: IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I BROKE MY COMPUTER. also change of writing style I literally physically couldn't go back to my old one LMAO

The door shut behind you with a hollow thud, the kind that echoed through your chest long after the sound had died away. The air inside the apartment felt heavier than usual, weighted down with the aftermath of your latest argument with Kenma. Your hands trembled as you reached for the back of a chair, grounding yourself before your legs gave out entirely.

He’d been harsh tonight. Harsher than ever before.

His words—cold, cutting, and merciless—had pierced through every defense you had built. They circled in your mind like vultures, picking apart the fragile pieces of your heart.

“Why do you always need my attention? It’s suffocating, honestly.”

“It’s not my job to make you feel okay all the time.”

“Maybe if you weren’t so insecure, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

Tears burned at the corners of your eyes, but you bit down on your lip hard enough to taste copper, refusing to let them fall. You felt small—so unbearably small—and so unbearably alone.

Kenma hadn’t even looked at you when he delivered the final blow, his amber eyes fixed on the glow of his game screen as if you were nothing more than a background noise he could turn off.

And maybe he was right. Maybe you were too much.

The ache in your chest grew sharper, blooming into a storm of hurt that wrapped around your ribs like a vice. You rubbed at your arms, seeking warmth where there was none, your breaths shallow and shaky. The spiral was familiar, dark thoughts gnawing at the edges of your mind, whispering that you weren’t enough, that no one would miss you if you disappeared for a while.

Or for longer.

You blinked slowly, your gaze drifting to the window. The city lights outside twinkled, cold and distant. There was a numbness creeping up your spine, spreading through your limbs until you felt disconnected from yourself, like you were watching someone else exist inside your body.

Kenma leaned back in his gaming chair, the controller still in his hands. The room was quiet now—too quiet. He could hear his own breathing, uneven and shallow. The last thing you’d said before you left replayed in his mind.

“I don’t know what you want from me anymore.”

There was no fire in your voice, no anger. Just sadness. Defeat.

Kenma swallowed hard, his heart thudding unevenly against his ribs. The glow of the screen in front of him felt blinding now, the sound effects grating in his ears. He turned it off with a sharp click, plunging the room into darkness save for the faint light seeping in from the hallway.

Guilt clawed at his throat, a thick, suffocating weight that made it hard to breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut, running a hand through his hair, the silky strands slipping through his fingers like sand. He knew he was cruel tonight. He’d known even as the words left his mouth that they were too sharp, too unfair. But he’d been so frustrated, so overwhelmed, that he lashed out the only way he knew how—by pushing away the person who mattered most.

And now you were gone.

What if you didn’t come back?

A cold shiver ran down his spine. What if—

No.

No, he couldn’t think like that.

Kenma stood abruptly, his feet carrying him out of his gaming room before he even registered he was moving. He opened the door to your shared bedroom, half expecting you to be sitting on the bed, waiting for him like you always did after a fight. But the room was empty, and the silence was deafening.

His heart dropped.

You didn’t hear the door creak open behind you. You were too lost in the storm of your own thoughts, too far gone to notice the way Kenma hesitated on the threshold, his eyes wide and full of something you hadn’t seen in him before—fear.

“Y/N.” His voice was soft, barely a whisper, but it cut through the haze in your mind like a blade.

You flinched, your head snapping up to meet his gaze. He looked pale, his hands trembling as they gripped the doorframe.

“What do you want?” Your voice cracked, raw and brittle.

“I…” Kenma swallowed, stepping into the room. “I was worried about you.”

You laughed, a bitter sound that didn’t reach your eyes. “Worried about me? Since when?”

“Don’t say that.” His voice broke, and the sound of it made your heart stutter. “Please… don’t say that.”

You looked away, your shoulders curling in on themselves as if you could shrink away from the weight of his guilt. ��You don’t have to pretend to care now. You made it pretty clear where I stand with you.”

“I’m an idiot,” he blurted out, his voice cracking with desperation. “I’m… I’m so stupid, Y/N. I don’t know why I say those things. I don’t mean them—I never mean them.”

“Then why do you keep hurting me?”

Kenma felt like the air had been knocked out of his lungs. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to stop. But I want to. I swear I do.”

The silence between you stretched thin, fragile as glass. Kenma took another step closer, his eyes never leaving yours. “I thought… I thought I was losing you tonight. And it scared me. It terrified me.”

You blinked, fresh tears slipping down your cheeks. “You are losing me, Kenma. Every time you say those things… it chips away at me. And I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.”

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, the words trembling on his lips. “I’m so sorry. I’ll do better. Please… don’t leave. Don’t leave me.”

The vulnerability in his voice broke something inside you, the walls you’d built around your heart crumbling as he reached out to cup your face with trembling hands. His touch was warm, grounding, and for the first time in what felt like forever, you let yourself lean into him.

“I’m scared too,” you admitted, your voice barely a whisper.

“We’ll figure it out,” he murmured, his forehead pressing against yours. “Together.”

And for now, that was enough.

[kquil]

hello! I'm here to request a 🍪 with poly marauders, where they ask the reader if they would like to be their partener and they're nervous and stuff

-thank you, have a lovely day !!

A/N : this is the finally cookie requested from my 1k milestone event, thank you so much for the request, darling and im so sorry for taking such a long time to deliver it, i really hope you enjoy the read, my lovely!

They had never been so nervous or anxious before. You were the one and only person to accept their unconventional relationship over everyone else when they first revealed that they were in a poly relationship with each other. What makes the situation even more anxiety-inducing is the fact that you were one of their closest friends, long before they even got into a relationship with one another, therefore, if they really followed through with this, they’d be risking their long-time friendship with you as well. Looking into each other’s eyes, it’s clear that they share the same anxieties for the decision they wanted to ultimately make. 

Having understood and supported their relationship more than most, you were their common confidant and dearest friend… no… being around you didn’t feel like being around a friend, nor were you like any type of sibling to them. You didn’t fit into any comfortable category or label anymore. That line and distinction was blurred a long time ago, maybe even before they got together as a trio. 

You felt more than a friend when you helped Remus through his thoughts on a daily basis, speaking to him softly and laying out his thoughts with much more clarity than he could ever imagine. You’re always there to help him go through his problems no matter how minute they may be and the tall brunette is incredibly grateful — he never wants to take you for granted. You don’t feel like a friend when you know exactly what Remus needs after a long and hard day. And, especially not when you allow him to hold you tenderly from behind as you help cook the boys their dinner, especially when they all feel lazy and tuckered out from a long day’s work. Remus would often press his face into the slopes of your neck and shoulder, breathing in your familiar fragrance and would sigh in relief, your scent giving him comfort. His arms wanting to hold you longer than what was appropriate for ‘just friends’, oftentimes, you’d let him without any complaints of discomfort. 

“Are you feeling good, Rem?” you’d muse, your voice like sweet honey and warm milk to his ears, cosy and ever so comforting. 

“Mmmm…yeah,” he’d reply, appreciating the hand you would reach up to briefly comb through his hair and massage his scalp with.

You felt more than a friend when you knew exactly what to say to Sirius if he was ever acting up. He had a horrible habit of acting first and thinking later, however, you were the only one who seemed to calm him down enough to temper his fury and instinctual need to act first, giving him clarity with your words and gentle touch. He’d be on the ground, back against the wall and burying his face into the plush warmth of your stomach as you kneel between his legs. He’d hold you desperately, clinging onto the fabric of your clothes as you soothe him by petting his hair and saying everything he needed to hear in that moment. Somehow, you always knew what to say. You don’t feel like a friend when he’s spooning you from behind, seeking comfort and warmth as you read a book. Your book wouldn’t hold your attention for long, however, as you would eventually deem Sirius’ comfort and needs more important than your need to finish a book. So, like clockwork, you’d turn around in his arms and he could finally feel the reciprocated action of your arms winding around his figure and pulling him close. Naturally, he buries his smiling face into your chest and you’d soon begin humming a soft tune to fill the already comforting silence. 

“Don’t leave when I’m asleep…” Sirius whispers pleadingly, whining almost. 

“Never, Siri,” and that was all he needed to fall into a deep slumber, smiling and always finding the sweetest dreams that often featured you as well as a great amount of kisses. 

You felt more than a friend whenever you’d let James sit in the kitchen with you and ‘help’ you cook breakfast, lunch or dinner, whatever it may be. He’d watch you with such fond eyes, he was surprised that you never noticed his more than friendly appreciation of you. Every once in a while, you would turn to him with a spoonful of the dish in your hand and ask him to have a taste — it was his turn to contribute to the cooking. It made him feel important and involved and like he was sharing a special moment with you.

“How is it, James?”

“As perfect and delicious as always!” he replies happily, licking his lips and grinning even wider when he hears your melodious giggle follow straight after. 

“I couldn’t have done it without your immaculate taste in food,” you would humbly reply, cupping his cheek and staring into his eyes with what he wants to deem as love and affection from someone who’s more than a friend. That small moment of joy, however, is quickly broken as soon as you turn your attention away from him. James fights the urge to turn you back to him, lean forward and capture your lips in a heated kiss, a plea and desperate attempt at convincing you to love him, Sirius and Remus as official partners.

You don’t feel like a friend when you would go out of your way to be there for James whenever something was happening in his life, big or small — you were there for him when he was getting ready for his job interview, when he got the job, got his first promotion, when he wanted to eat lunch with someone because he felt lonelier than usual; you were there for everything and so much more. 

It only felt natural for them to take that final step with you but, just like how nerve wracking it was for them to confess to one another, it was the same apprehension that clogged up their throats and made it difficult to form the words. 

“What’s wrong, you guys?” your soft voice pulls them out of their concentrated apprehension. It was the usual Saturday lunch you spent at their flat except, this time, they cooked the meal for you — it was a pleasant surprise, especially when their cooking turned out better than it typically did. For a while, you were the only eating the food, ignorant to their spiralling thoughts. However, when you finally did notice, the concern was evident in your eyes, largely because James wasn’t hoovering up his food like he usually was, nor was Remus engaging in conversation with you about the book you were both reading together, nor was Sirius subconsciously expressing his deeply learned table etiquette and reprimanding James of his lack of manners like a mother hen. Today, they shared the same daunting expression and it was contagious, rubbing off on you like the plague. 

“We uhhh…” Remus begins, gulping with difficulty as he shares a look with the others, “we have something to ask you…”

“What is it?” your question is filled with caution, a direct response to their strange unease around you, “You guys are acting very stra—” 

“We love you!” James blurts out which immediately diminishes your worries and draws an adorable giggle from you, one that they all melt over.

“I love you guys too,” with a smile, you happily continue your meal and completely miss their intentions. 

“No,” Remus says, “not like that…” his statement makes your brows raise in shock, you search their eyes for answers as your heart begins to race — both from fear and a hint of hope.  

“More than that type of love, dollface,” Sirius clarifies, hoping that it was enough for you to understand them. 

James reaches over and touches your hand, caressing your knuckles tenderly with his thumb, “we don’t just love you, we want to love you,” it was a little saying between you and James, one that made you fall in love with him and eventually Sirius and Remus too. 

With happy tears welling up in your eyes, you look into James’ hazel pools and finally finally see the abundance of love swimming in them, only for you, “like the verb?” you ask in a tear-filled, weak voice. 

James laughs and nods eagerly as Remus and Sirius smile fondly at you, the latter of the two reaching out to gently wipe your face of the tears spilling past your waterline, “like the verb, love,” James brings your knuckles to his lips and kisses them lovingly.

Your answering nod was all they needed to round the table and pull you into an embrace, their lips eager to meet yours in a passionate and loving embrace. 

1K MILESTONE EVENT : CLOSED | NAVI.

[hencheri]

shdjdjd i didn’t have anything in mind but ur response sparked some ideas so i’ll share but i defer to ur knowledge cuz idrk what im talking about when it comes to nct😭 /lh

i was kinda thinking about what he’d think about exhibitionism,, cuz one of his recent instagram posts was sooo slutty /pos and i was briefly thinking about him being a camboy? maybe solo stuff because i’m not sure though how he’d feel about his partner (and by partner i don’t necessarily mean romantic just ,, reader insert if ykwim like.. con or noncon…) being shown off to others… i don’t know how possessive he’d be? also could see him like. camming but then having a double standard for girls hehhe

but then i was also thinking he’s into voyeurism. i agree he’s such a perv n i love the concept of like,, he just can’t help himself, he does all these dirty nasty things without thinking or like you’d said, with the encouragement of his friends,, they’re all just feeding into each other’s nasty fantasies /pos he feels very stalker coded? also!! virgin loser incel jisung who wants to lose his virginity sooo bad and he feels he’s owed it, so either in the nohyuck au, jeno and haechan let him use you for ‘practice’ or a similar idea but like not necessarily an extension of that scenario.

i just feel like maybe once he gets an idea in his head, he has to make it reality. he fantasizes a lot but, he also needs to act on it. in one way or another. i’m kinda imagining in college where he takes pics of u in class to masturbate to when he’s at home but it gets so bad, he just throws his hand down his pants in the lecture hall and jerks off to the back of your head. ok i’m going to stop for now😭

also needed to say ur response in total but especially the last couple lines made my brain short circuit in the best way possible /pos pos pos

me reading your ask: 😼

▸ 18+ mdni. | warnings: mentions of noncon & stalking.

camboy!jisung is interesting because he definitely wants that attention. he's so horny all the damn time it makes him wonder if he doesn't have a problem, but when he posts short clips of him jerking off, and he gets so many compliments... his ego boosts up so much. jisung's the kind to like the anonymity behind it too, he'd probably answer all his messages, sending nudes back and forth with random girls online.

with a partner, though, i don't think he'd mind! like, what if he gets with a girl as dirty as him? he'd be down to make videos, but just of certain body parts, like the penetration bit, without showing their faces. and kinda toxic!jisung... but he'd do it just for the praises online :/ but the double standard!!! yes, he'd think his girl doing it alone is wrong, like he'd definitely think she's a slut or a seeking attention whore :x like, he'd just find it too dirty for a girl. she's supposed to be good and pure!

jisung so stalker coded, 100%. when he has an obsession, he doesn't let it go easily. his mind doesn't take a break, he's constantly imagining stuff and i know he's too obsessed with knowing what the real thing is that he won't stop. no because nohyuck would give him pussy. as friends, they're here to help him, and they'd let him have you for sure! but tbh, chenle would help him too. takes a girl with him, doesn't say jisung will be there... not that jisung can't pull, but also yes lol.

he makes his fantasies reality without realizing it, i think!? if he manages to be alone with you (with help or not), he'd dive in for a kiss when he thinks the moment is right. but you don't feel the same, so you pull away, but he insists and of course with his ridiculous height, he cages you easily.

but um, in the lecture hall... that's kinda hot. it's so freaky and disgusting, but he would. damn it.

[generic-sandbox-member]

vent post ignore or something idk

gotta get out of this fucking house man i cant live here my mums back to usual and nobody gets how fucking difficult it is being oh idk disabled??? like we went on holiday and my sister was acting like im the laziest person and spoiling the holiday bc half the time i was so exhausted by lunchtime i had to rest until dinner before i could do more like this was not by my choice and we went on a walk into a city and they wanted to go on the walls and i said no because i knew i couldnt manage it and they were like oh its just a little bit and lo and behold i cant even manage the first steps and my knee starts hurting so bad im almost crying and cant walk i can only limp and they still insist on going uphill. and then today i mentioned offhandedly that i wished my heart wasnt racing because it was uncomfortable, bearing in mind id been lying down for about half an hour so there was no good reason for it, it was just racing and making me all shaky and hard to breathe and palpitations (uncomfortable) and my sister starts having a go at me about how she deals with this stuff (names her heart racing when she goes upstairs?) and how i need to not bother trying to seek help because there is no help and she deals with it all just in her mind as if its even remotely the same. like yeah sure maybe you also feel faint when standing up, do you also feel nauseous, faint and in pain from any instance of having stand for longer than a minute or two, can you also not lift things either at all or above your head without almost passing out? does a short walk leave you in a lot of pain and having to lie down for hours before you can do anything from exhaustion? maybe its like lowkey not the same and i maybe deserve a small amount sympathy, some medical attention and permission to make offhand comments when something is bothering me. im not expecting everyone to go awww you poor baby and immediately solve all my problems when i say im in pain/uncomfortable, but id also prefer if the response wasnt, suck it up and deal with it and stop burdening us with knowledge of it :/

[hanasnx]

hey! i can't stop thinking abt i was made for loving you and it's the middle of the night when im writing this pls so don't mind the ramble of questions im about to throw at you or just ignore it if they make no sense haha

this concept was so interesting! i also super enjoyed the ask about reader beginning to avoid logans touch, imma a sucker for a good angst, but it did have me thinking…

would he care if she wanted to find physical fulfillment in someone else, or would he only care because it was stepping outside of her vows?

did he marry her because it was the most secure way to have a continued hand in taking care of her or because he wanted her as a wife? i saw that you mentioned the reader being one of his strays, does he view her romantically? of course he loves her, but is it a platonic love? does his love edge closer to parental than anything else? was marriage just the best way he could protect and care for her? we've seen how strong logan's father instincts are

i keep thinning abt the angst of being on the knives of edge of all you've ever wanted, but being unsure if you're all he's wanted in return or if you were a duty for him to fulfill

idk these are the thoughts i was having while trying to picture myself in her shoes, thanks for writing such a lovely piece! <3

no problem i love questions & inbox messages. you’re all good

i care a lot for the dynamic in the IWMFLY drabble it was a very vulnerable piece for me to write. i also enjoyed the ask that talked about reader’s continued and evolving reactions to it so i’m glad you did too

inside of the drabble i think it mentioned that reader doesn’t want anyone else. to put it plainly, physical attention means nothing to her if it’s from anyone else other than logan. so she won’t seek outside sources, and even if she wanted to, she wouldn’t let herself bcos of the sanctity of her own marriage she agreed to. there are plenty of ppl that can do open relationships, but this is not an example of one at least not in its prime form aka IWMFLY

if reader thought maybe, just maybe, she’d want to try it out just to see if anything would help, logan would actually try to be supportive in his own way. he has concerns, but in this rare case he doesn’t voice them bcos he doesn’t actually know how to. for a while you’d try to find someone, but you’d compare them to logan and everythng would just fizzle out. logan would think about how you’re out doing stuff he can’t be there for and feel that concern creep up on him again and it would be a catalyst to communicating with you about how he’s not ready for this but if its real important to you he’d try. but you’re not ready for it either so the open relationship experiment doesn’t continue

as for the paragraph about why he wanted to marry her, all of it is very accurate. marriage was the best way to keep her close and protected. it was largely inspired by his platonic relationship with rogue in the x-men movies and how he views her as a friend with an edge of parental protectiveness, and she has a complex crush and admiration for him and sees him as a trustworthy companion. so bottom line reader and my fic is inspired by rogue.

logan still doesn’t know he collects strays, is always reluctant about it, and it first he was hesitant with you too but he fell too fast. he couldn’t leave you behind and he couldn’t let some other guy who’d treat you like crap make an honest woman out of you. it had to be him. and you said yes, and he’s sure you knew what you were getting into. he does feel parental and platonic over you. you are important to him and he’s obligated to you by choice, and marriage was a way to do that and to prove that devotion

loved this ask :)

[ssteamingtea]

Im sorry but the level of delulu and attention seeking behaviour from her is crazy, she live for attention 24/7 to the point she will allow someone who dont like her in her tags because she belive that if they talk is good no matrer if its something nice or bad. And to be honest if she really is doing it she is more delulu thst we though, imagine sitting at home checking all notifications to approve pap walks, old stuff and much more. She look like she is slowly losing it, and i dont know what happened, maybe she wasnt happy with her pap walk, she wanted more and seb team said no or she is feeling she lost the things she had durning award season and she is panicking, but it looks crazy. Its almost like her whole fantasy world is crumbling and she is minutes before disaster. I dont want to say secounds befpre brake up, bit something is going bad because, not only the 2 month silence, solo events, solo pap walks, not visiting on set, no tb premiere red carpet, no baits, no nothing, seb article about him being nyc base, and now 2 pap walks only around the big news, and seb look more and more done with every pap walk, like now he couldnt even do side hug, he was holding the sunglasses the whole time in his hand and looking at pap. Its like they having more problems with every move they make

Again, the pap walks have nothing interesting or original about them. Just the same walk same facial expressions - like go girl give us nothing!

[lesbidog]

ty for your post about mobility aids, that hit home. I use a cane occasionally, always carry it with me (folds up) but use it when I need to for the same reasons you use your crutches. my problem is that I am incredibly self-conscious and feel guilty if I take it out to use it in public. moreso when I take the train home from work - if I get a seat, I don't need it but if I have to stand, I take it out to use it. I feel like I get dirty looks from people who think I'm just trying to make someone give up their seat (important to note that no one ever does anyway.) I'm not expecting them to, I just now need it to stand and reduce my pain. I'm not trying to trick or scam anyone.

I guess I'm just curious if this is something you've dealt with, and if so, how you got to a place where you're confident in using your mobility aids. I'm just not there yet :(

i've also felt self conscious about mobility aid use, and for me that was something i just had to get through in therapy/do some self work, but i do have tips for possibly reducing the dirty looks you get if it continues to be a problem:

(keep in mind these are the things i do and they might not be helpful for everyone/some people might consider them 'attention seeking' but that's not why i do them, i do them to avoid confusion and be proud of myself)

when the weather permits it and if it'll help you, wear knee braces when you wear short bottoms, (or just all the time) so that it's less likely for people to think you're able bodied (again, if they'll help you, if not maybe don't cuz they might make it worse LOL)

this may seem too flashy, but wear disability merchandise. i have cripplepunk patches on my patch vest and other stuff related to disability pride on my jackets. You can probably get some cute/funny shirts or buttons or stickers relating to your disability to wear out and about.

For me this isn't just to reduce people assuming the worst, but it also helps me allow myself to be proud of being disabled, and it helps me get out of the denial that comes w being medically gaslit by doctors and people in my life.

also, in these cases, it might be best to use your cane as you walk into a place that you'd need a seat, not pull it out later. There's no public transport where i live currently but often in germany people would stand to offer me a seat when they saw me using crutches as i got onto the public transportation, if you're in the US or the UK that probably would happen less but you never know, shrug emoji

sorry if this is ramble-y i'm pretty low spoons on the ADHD front today, but i hope this helps you. My biggest tip overall is to try to gain confidence in every aspect of your life, because being disabled requires being stronger than most of us would like to be. I know it's a lot harder than it sounds especially if you have anxiety or any other thing like that, but i believe in you and im proud of you

[puckandgossip]

I don’t know it seems like these past few days there has been multiple girls or people talking about being ex-hookups or current hookups. There was obviously Gabrielle and that whole ass saga a few weeks ago. I don’t know like one person saw someone in his family section, another is claiming a Megan Fox look-alike, someone is saying another thing, etc. And some of the girls he follows posted cryptic stuff on their stories.

I mean, I would like to say it’s probably the type of women he goes for? Maybe the personality and looks and traits just so happen to come with a dose of attention seeking? There are some big star in hockey or sports that don’t have that problem. I mean even his own teammate William, maybe not as well known as him, doesn’t have this probably. People have seen him with a girl or heard that he’s been hooking up. You don’t see any of his hookups or whatever he does posting cryptic stories and all, or even on tumblr blogs you don’t hear people claiming they hooked up with him like with Auston.

its just so odd because I feel like auston IS indeed very low-key about this stuff too... im not sure where people are getting this info from but shit if you've seen any photos or anything send them over

im just confused who everyone is even speaking about. Im aware of the Gabrielle thing, and have seen her story posts, but that seems to be over since they both unfollowed each other....

[syrupspinner]

i just completed Hypnospace Outlaw

i sincerely love how much the sci-fi genre is just explaining how much sci-fi stuff would suck if it was real

the reason you play hypnospace outlaw is the aesthetic and presentation, just so were all on the same page. the reason this game got your attention is because its a passionate parody of web 1.0, and it does an excellent job of that. i can tell this game was made with a deep nostalgia for what made the past special without being blinded from its flaws (like the viruses and general difficulty to navigate).

the only problem is that im 24

well i shouldnt say thats a problem. just because i dont have nostalgia for what theyre throwing back to doesnt mean the game doesnt stand on its own. i didnt grow up with a ps1 or n64 but i still enjoy that specific form of lowpoly modeling, for example. its just unfortunate that i cant have the same hit of nostalgia that people slightly older than me can, yknow? i wish i could enjoy this game as much as them

again, the game was still very enjoyable. the puzzles start out very grounded, introducing you the the world and how it functions very effectively, before ramping it up with more abstract mechanics and compounding techniques needed to find more results. the only problem i found myself stuck on in an unfun way was figuring out how to decrypt sandwich files. its one of those puzzles that make you feel silly for not getting it earlier, but in my defence... who the hell would program something that esoteric

as an aside, i saw people discussing what genre games like this would be. by "games like this" i mean hypnospace outlaw, outer wilds, rain world, animal well, that kinda thing. i dont think applying one genre is effective, but instead its about how they combine the genres of exploration and puzzle. instead of having all the tools to solve a puzzle when youre presented with it, you have to leave and seek out the solution elsewhere. notably, if the game isnt build to accommodate/encourage this, itd be pretty unfun. these games and their open-ended design manage to skillfully mesh both genres together: the exploration is the puzzle

so yeah, i really enjoyed the game! there arent a lot of games where its just fun to explore the world as its presented, and HO does a fantastic job of that even without considering the puzzle design. i love just reading about the characters and their lives in hypnospace. this games greatest strength is just how charming it is, theres really nothing that matches it in that regard

i also found it really inspiring. i love how much personality all the characters fit into their webpages. maybe someday ill move this blog to neocities just so i can evoke something half as impact

oh no this was all a secret advertisement for neocities wasnt it! well, it worked, im not even mad (yes i know about the page builder)

anyway! the game is worth it for the vibes alone, and the puzzles are a really solid foundation that everything is built on. totally worth buying! the only thing is if youre going for completion, please use a guide to find all the pages, some are hidden way too well. totally worth it, though. if you know what the "thanked" achievement is named after, you know it makes it worth it. also, buzz was hilarious, i love pranks on the player

now im going to spoil the ending, stop reading this is you want to not be spoiled about the ending, because im about to spoil it now. after sasuke

oh my GOD dylan merchant is such a schmuck. maybe ive just lost too much sympathy for venture capitalist techbros, but i cannot spare any positive regard for this guy. like, okay, i get hes the bad guy, but outlaw 1.0 tries sooo hard to make you feel bad for him it wraps back around to being infuriating. the thing is that i have no idea if this is intentional? like, was a guy who let a teenager go to jail and think about how his prank killed 5 innocent people plus his crush apologizing decades later (*after* being caught) with an unfinished video game supposed to be a sincere tug of the heartstrings? "sorry i killed zane before he could stop being an annoying twerp" "sorry i killed rodney, his family smelled like walmart" "sorry i killed mavis, i think that was her name. i got nothing else to say about her" "anyway thanks for playing the 'final' version of the game that killed everyone. you have successfully absolved me of my sins and sent me to heaven. remember to subscribe and hit that bell icon" DUDE how emotionally shallow and self aggrandizing do you have to be you are a child murderer my guy

[nitunio]

ryo's first monologue and one of the first eps he appears on are such dead giveaways --

lacks self-esteem and self-reassures himself that he's the better one

I think that it's not only evident by the way he talks and acts, but also the tiny detail that he's living on a lower floor of a high building (mentioned by Momo). To which Ryo also acts like it's better that way, since he throws pets off his window (idk if meant to be a joke, but is very telling of the way he treats others either way -- things to be discarded when not needed anymore), and they don't die since it's not that high up (Which IS also. Listen -. Him throwing pets like that and then being able to gauge whether Momo will survive the fall off a higher floor. Maybe he lied to Momo back then too and Momo would've survived, not unscathed but/// there is a lot of gratification to be found in a person fearing you BUT MOMO DOESN'T and. also. that "I will throw you off a balcony" that implied that Ryo views Momo as entertainment, as a pet, and ultimately, as something of a lower worth that Can Be Thrown Away (since it's not human)). And since he throws pets without them dying, it's better if he stays on a humble lower floor if it means it spares their lives. Because Ryo is kind, you know

The way he points out that he can name fifty flaws of Momo and Yuki each, while praising himself -> THIS PARTICULAR PART IS SO DELIGHTFUL in its own. he's spiteful. everyone loves Momo and Yuki, but they don't deserve it, because they have so many flaws, they do this and that and they're not perfect at all. Why love them? they're rotten and fake and plastic. but not Ryo. Ryo is everything, Ryo has no flaws. but nobody loves Ryo. nobody knows Ryo. and people that do - don't pay much attention, don't notice how hard he's been trying, don't notice it all behind his brother. there's no sunshine for Ryo.

does play-pretend, acts in a manner that is meant to get shock attention (exaggerated movement, phrases) -> ultimately gets none which prompts to act out more and with less concern for others

This ties in with the first point because He Needs attention. That's why his and Momo's relation works ------ Momo's goal was networking, and he did earn a favour because he's just good at being supportive. Momo IS Ryo's sunshine, not a human but a concept of adoration he can keep around and do with as he pleases. Momo is a pet, to be fed and to be talked to, to be seeked out for comfort and entertainment. And Momo IS an idol, idols are meant to be used like that, right?

And he acts and quips and does his word exchanges with Momo, and while the other retorts and opposes, Ryo enjoys it and i think he genuinely enjoys it for real. He can be himself and do whatever, right?

And Ryo keeps acting and acting and executing his plan, and gradually he comes to do worse and worse things. Because it's fun, because he gets to see them all suffer for not noticing him. Cut to Esperanza -- and suddenly the attention is overwhelming. It's not at all what he had in mind. it's a betrayal

the hatred for entertainment industry

Imagine going to a concert for an idol and hearing so much about how they make your day better, how they make you feel seen and loved and finally appreciated. Only to yell for attention and get none. Once more. First childhood neglect then getting ignored by a Legendary idol. The problem is not with Ryo, and that would be correct. But the idea that Ryo gets is that everybody just chooses not to see him because they're bad. That's why idols must be destroyed, they're fake after all.

the dinner setup for Momo

I MUST SAYYYY THAT HE STILL CARES FOR MOMO AND SUBTLY. HINTS AT HIM WANTING TO BE CLOSER. YOU KNOW. ALCOHOL AND ALL THAT STUFF. he never expresses anything with words and countless of examples of that will show up throughout. im going to explode

Destruction as means for Creation

Ryo sought out Hurt and Rejected people, to grow their budding spite into a shared hatred. There's artistry in negative emotions and what drew people in to be ZOOL's fans aside from the cool music and very rash characters, is the aura that their performances have (iiiiiii think its pt 5 where they start diving in to ZOOL's selling point).

This is also where Utsugi mentions "Ryo's sense of beauty" AND ITS (EXPLODES) .................. he knows. he knows. even if Ryo doesn't know, he is good at creating talent. as he said himself, he can see so many flaws in others, and he's so good himself, and that is true! he has strengths and he can be bold and can see to business being done with more and more profits.

(that's also where my "Utsugi/Ryo as contrasting opposites that are way too similar" tangent would go but I'm ---- )

Momo as a catalyst for change

Ultimately Momo's total downfall could have been if he were more pliant to Ryo, and while he tried to calm down the unstable man, Ryo assumed more and more control over Momo which would have ended badly if it weren't for the last conversation they had in part 3.

If Ryo fails at something, he should try again. If Ryo wants attention, he should say so, and demand it, vocally, now that he can talk, should be the loudest one. He needs to care. He should be honest about his feelings -- and he is. The moon is so beautiful.

The sunshine that beams every way, radiating warmth and light, covers the lonely moon with it too. And the Moonlight shines upon those who are in the dark, hurt and lonely - they become the stars, the idols on their own, facing the earth that hurt them with a gentle smile, knowing that embracing it with a kind presence is better than turning away from it.

[scorchrend]

if u would like to share ur marx thoughts…… and make us all feel physically ill alongside u…….. this random anon is very much interested in hearing 👀👀👀

thats the problem istart feeling physically ill because i cant verbalize what i'm thinking it;s that bad. but since you asked this might be the push i need. UHHHHH marx thoughts. what are my marx thoughts it's like rummaging through my junk clearbook where everything is just placed anywhere and everything gets lost i do answer better and more coherently with specific questions.. btw.... hehe. Love Questions okay. random thoughts go

marx is a really attention seeking guy. thrives out of getting a rise from other people. pre super star though, i don't think he has any real friends despite being a common sight due to his tricksterisms and funny things. i don't think he's done this in canon really, but personally i like to make it so that marx used to work under dedede. you know. big castle, you think it has cool stuff, should give pretty good benefits to staff right? but then kirby's dream land happens and hes like Bro this Sucks and skedaddles. so yeah no meaningful relationships

i like the idea that marx is friendly with kirby pre kirby super star, but i don't think it's a relationship that can really be described as "friends" more than "staying on good terms and excitedly saying hi whenever you see each other, have a little small talk, and go separate ways." i mean, to kirby, they're friends. i don't think marx knows this when he asks kirby for help in milky way wishes, he's relying on kirby's helpful nature the trust is just kind of a bonus. as for why marx soul is like that i dont fucking know man these are random ass thoughts

thing is i think marx genuinely thinks kirby's a cool stand up dude especially after kirby's dream land but i think he just got Sooo Fucking Pissed thats why mww happens or whatever but i'm not sure either since i'm just spitting words. whatever his reasons are they always change in my head, marx is an enigma to me Even as a local marx enjoyer

as for his relationship with magolor it's the average They meet after Marx Blows Up and magolor is in the area and like Damn well i'm not gonna leave that guy out there am i. then bla bla friends (menaces) and puts the idea of nabbing that crown from landia. less of an intentional thing you know, but even if marx blew up he still kinda had something to show for it you knoe. the wings and the nova power. i can't say why they'd part ways (i don't know either) but basically before that they enjoyed some weird shit like pranking randos maybe Way Too Hard

anyways, after they part ways, marx probably goes planet hopping for a bit but eventually settles back on popstar. guys got the wanderer bones in him but i really think he thinks life on popstar is swell. he wanted to rule it for a reason i guess?? also the nearby planets he can fly to are Pretty Empty. I think.i actually genuinely don;t inow what im saying though im making a lot of this on the spot

reason for thinking marx has been hiding out on planet popstar: he's readily available in kirby star allies from the first dream palace. i know the dream rod summons them but like for my purposes i think it's just kinda like YOU. COME HERE.

okay but you know who else is in wave 1 that's right rick kine coo and gooey. i think they become friends. i think they're marx's first real friends (if you count them becoming friends while marx is disguised? they keep it up even after they find out. trying to be the kirby they want to see in the world or something.) like i got a little idea where its kinda like Damn i kinda wanna Fuck Up Everything but then he experiences laughing With people and not just Laughing at or Being laughed at and is like Fuuuckkk this is kindasick actually. UGH plans POSTPONED!! he is still 100% a shithead though these improvements dont really happen until marx drops his disguise after he meets magolor again (between rtdl and dream collection)

as for marx and magolor's reconciliation i feel like it's really smooth at first while magolor recovers from an arduous warp or whatever but when magolor starts showing discomfort at the ... hobbies marx has there starts to be tension because marx starts feeling like magolor is ignoring him and doesn't want to associate (even if magolor does want to keep being friends). however they deal with that is still up in the air but it required a lot of arguing, magolor apology to the dream team, marx blowing his "presumed dead" cover just to cover for magolor on something, etc. stuff that shows both parties really value their friendship even after they've changed and paths diverged quite a bit. fyi their arguments are so fucking bombastic because they WERE so SIMILAR that any insults they toss at the other is a double edged sword, and evidences some kind of self loathing

for marx's relationship with kirby i honestly think they're chill. but ofc marx exasperates kirby at times.

also marx has to get hisinfo from somewhere so i think he does in fact read stuff. only stuff interesting to him but he does read and when he does he Reads reads. thats how the Loser hatched his plan regarding nova anyways. somehow taranza finds outabout this and hes like Oh my god someone who understands media. Marx vehemently denies this (but cannot resist screaming at other people who have shit takeaways from x book he likes) (Marx has opinions on notoriously polarizing character Eon based on historical figure Aeon Hero) (not anything i consider important just something funny)

i could go on forever but for now i think my brain is all worded out. not even sure if any of this makes sense. here you go anon. enjoy.

[fracturedvirtueswarm]

Stuff from my vent twitter because i want to delete it

Nov 6 2024

Maybe being hooked on someone whos on the ace spectrum isn't a good idea, but I can't help myself ♡

Sorry I'm too afraid to harm myself.

The worst decision I've ever made. They know. I told them. And I regret it.

Does barely eating count as selfharm? I've only eaten chips and candy because we don't have plates

Nov 8

😋 I probably shouldn't be talking to them when I'm soooo close to doomposting about them on my CFs (they're on it) but we literally haven't talked this long since a while,,

Ugh. I'm so pissed I'm too sleepy to stay up to talk to them

Am I really obsessed if I won't stay up to talk to them though..

Nov 13

Well well well

Nov 19

So bad to the point of finally eating something today but I'm too impatient to microwave 2 corn dogs so I'm only eating 1

Still hungry... Maybe I'll have the energy to eat something an hour from now

Finally getting up to eat a burrito. I'm so hungry..

Nov 25

Oh that's a moot that does weird stuff on an alt... siiigh whatever, just suck it up.

Nov 30

[Screenshot of a twitter conversation;

Me: GROUP SUICIDE STARTS IN 10 MINUTES

Viber: im so confused

Me: he might not be in the epilogue at all

Viber: all might? Yeah idk where bro went]

NO SHIT YOU DON'T KNOW. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING ASKED YOU WHERE HE WAS??

Dec 2

Maybe this'll teach him from fucking speeding

Dec 7

Idk, maybe it's funny I'm moving on from Ghost because Sushi is flirting with me

(Dec 19) Relapsed. Thought about them again. Missing them real bad.

Dec 12

Very reasonably upset at 8 messages over the course of 3 days I think

Jan 17 2025

Congrats for getting your license, stop rubbing it in my damn face

Jan 23

Me when I realize my parents prioritize his health over my own because he's a threat to himself. If he doesn't get help, he's gonna kill himself. If I don't get help, I'm not going to do anything, because I'm too much of a coward to hurt myself

Jan 24

I'd ask how I'd get them to like me again, but I need to realize that it wasn't an issue with me. It was a personal problem with them, and there isn't anything I can do about it. Telling them that I still like them doesn't change anything

Feb 24

Me when I have a breakdown on my story begging for attention and they, in fact, do not give me attention. So I block them because I don't want them to see me spiraling

September. This all started in September. I'm not upset at them with breaking up with me, because I'm assuming they wouldn't want to lead me on. I'm just upset at the fact that it's sent me into the worst depressive episode I've ever had, and when I seek attention because of it,

I'm met with absolutely nothing. Zero DMs when they were awake 4 hours ago. I don't even expect much, just a "I care about you". That'd help me

Mar 7

I wonder if they kept the stuff I made. Do they still have the letter I wrote them? Do they still have the art I made that they printed? Is it kept in a box or did they throw it away?

I wonder if they know I kept their letters. They're in my sketchbook.

Mar 10

I wanna kill myself so bad. Everyone is so lucky I'm afraid, otherwise I probably would've already done it

I'm rotting so fucking bad. I want to kill myself.

Mar 31

I'm not going to send them another desperate late night text. If they want me to contact them, they'd tell me. I'm not crossing boundaries.

(Apr 6) LMAOOOOOOOOOOO i messaged them 2 nights ago

Apr 6

[Youtube notification from their youtube channel; "distracting newbie as goob + exploiter shrimpo]

The way I literally got so dizzy and fuzzy

Apr 7

Stalk me. Obsess over me. Worry about me. Think about me. Care about the same way I care about you or else I feel like I wasted 2 years of your life..

Apr 14

[Sorry for liking your post the second you hit send. I have notifications on for you because i want to kiss you for hours]

I csnt even fucking have notifcatiknd for them

[does anyone else get really scared and worried people are ignoring them and spiral and get into a really bad headspace and the person ignoring u is all u think about and then look they respond to ur text haha all good]

Thisvbut thegre not fucking respodning to me

[Two colors that mean so many things; images of green and purple]

OH MY FICKCING GODDDD

How fuckign cruel is it thst mg favorite shios that wre supposed fo be copes wnd up fucking reninding me of fhem. Alsyas. Tsuneta. Kerdlg. Mg fjcking god what did i do.

"communciarion is kedy!" I csn tfjcking talk fo them. I csnt fjcking say antrhing. Fuck yoy fhck yoy fuck yky why do yoy have me blcoekd.

Do thry think of me when they see or hear an owl or any sort of bird. Birts are mt fsvoire animal. J wonder if they rhink kf me

[You ever just straight up hate certain media because it's now associated with someone who hurt you]

Dandys world. Fucki yoy.

[hey man, not gonna make it tonight. something deeply terrible is happening to me but do not worry.]

Fhis but i gave to fuckivn mske it kr else theyll blame themselvd.s

[can I come over and haunt your house]

Me jf i killed myelf

[Alcohol is easier to swallow than the fact that i'll never be okay]

Wonder if ill ever turn into an alcoholinc lmaoasoooooo. Maybe jll be cured bg then.

[The pain of staying where you are or the pain of growth]

Fuck everyobody. Fucking hste everyone.

Nobdiy in this god foresken esrth csres about me excetpt vibrato and sushi. Nobdog fucking csresabkut me but imbtoo scsred tk kill myske.d

[I believe in kaomojis supremacy]

They hsef to use thes.e..

I hope thry get fucking reminded kf my two rst fursonas becahse of neil banging out the tunes. I hooe yku get just a little big ypsst

How do you mkve on. How are yku not soending every night crying about me.. ehy do i csre svout yku so much.

May 2

Piss off. I know I won't amount to anything if I stay the way I am. I don't need one of my friends shoving it in my face

May 5

[it’s scary when an attractive person is attracted to you omg 😭😭😭]

But they fuckin dumped me n blocked me so ig i was right to be surprised lol

May 11

Unpriv cuz who tf is gonna fuckin find this acc. Nobody god damn cares

They don't even have a fucking twitter so they wont ever find me. And if they somehow do: text me please oh my god

May 13

I want to ask one of my online friends if they can contact Ghost to see if they're willing to talk so fucking bad. But that's basicslly begging for them to talk to me, and I don't want to force them... but I'm so fucking close

May 14

[God I’m so bored why can’t everyone just confess their secrets to me]

Ooo u wanna text me so bad n tell me everything ooo

[“you never know what you have until you lose it” is amateur hour. real sufferers know exactly what they have and that they are going to lose it]

Me cuz my dumbass cant enjoy nice things cuz its suspicious as hell, like when is my emotional downfall that happens every time smth good happens

May 15

[Me: im over it

Also me: *thinks about it 2837492 times*]

And i am in fact not over it lmao

May 16

Me cuz i fucking dreamt they texted me on Instagram this morning. Fucking hate everything

May 19

Me because I am okay without them (affirm affirm affirm)

May 20

🖕this is the 4th time I dreamt they unblocked me/messaged me. Jesus christ

May 21

Might be a bad decision but it'll be private and nobody will see it!!

I lowkey cooked but also im hella tweaking lolll

God I wanna do something for attention sooooo fuckin bad but im just going to sleep instead

May 22

Call me stupid but I literally don't understand non-sharing yumes. You're how old and won't share a fictional character with other people who ship themselves/an oc with them?

It's lowkey boring not sharing your favorite character with people and it really limits your social circle if the character is really popular. But that's just me

Text me. Message me. Do something. Please

Me when my acc shows up as a recommended acc when im stalking them

Me when I actually make progress but then I fuck everything up AGAIN.

Everyone would basically say to let them go. Everyone would say to not contact them. Everyone would say to block them. But I can't do that. If I move on them it was all for nothing. I just have to wait until September.

I shouldn't've done that because now I know they have anon asks on. And that could mean I can contact them.

Ivwint i wont i wont i wont

May 25

Priv again cuz im mentally ill

May 26

[I hope when you see a cat you think of me]

I hope when you see a bird you think of me

May 27

[Image of a tumblr post with 2 notes, but no users show up]

They're haunting me everywhere

May 28

It's only been 3 days and i feel sick. I wrote in my journal but it didn't feel like it helped. I feel upset and sick, like im nauseated

May 29

[How it feels to cut off that one friend that you have so many good memories with but they genuinely make you feel like shit]

Maybe they never liked hanging out with me

[i highly recommend a clingy, lovey-dovey partner. life’s too short to be with someone who acts like showing love is a chore]

Please im so clingy

Jun 4

Yk i forgot i could vent all i want onto here

[Screenshot of their ask box with no anon switch; text typed says LMFAO]

LMAOOOOOOO COWARD

You saw my ask. Ignored it. Probably deleted it. And turned your anon asks off so I can't contact you without outing my other Tumblr acc. You are a coward. You blocked your ex best friend and ran away without a reason. There's no other way to put it but you're a coward.

Are you man enough?

Are you man enough?

Are you man enough to take the blame for this?

We both know you're not. You're a coward. You shut off every way I can get into contact with you. You don't want to message me because you're afraid.

Unless Bara is airing out the stuff I put on my cfs, you'd have no way of knowing how I'd react to getting into contact with you

Aren't you so thankful I'm so afraid of death? My blood would be on your hands if I wasn't so scared.

21 years old. Can't take no for an answer. Locked me out of the god damn room like a fucking pety toddler, oh my god.

You probably deleted my number. Why can't we talk? Why can't we be friends again?

Jun 5

Good for u. Cuz its like u never met me. Cuz its like i never existed in ur life.

Jun 8

[bro if u have a crush on me pls shoot your shot, u literally have no competition I'm rooting for u even]

Not real but heyyyy

Jun 9

I wonder if you'll plague my dreams again. Part of me hopes I plague yours. Do you dream of texting me? Or maybe that'd be considered a nightmare

[finding out you freakier than someone you like is the worst]

I made them uncomfortable. Then they publicly post smth freaky on tumblr like ok

Jun 11

"Drawing used to be so easy. I used to draw 24/7" maybe cuz u lost ur number 1 fan but idk maybe just me tho

Jun 12

I fucking hate you consuming Deltarune content. *I* introduced you into it. *I* am the reason you know about it

Yet here you are interacting with it, not a care in the world despite the fact that *I* am the reason you know about it

Jun 13

I can't fucking do anything to get your attention because you don't fucking care about me at all

Be more active. Stalking you is boring.

Jun 16

Scheduled a 2nd driver's test after my trip to Mexico. Not like you care though

[Video from tiktok from zeiyq_835 to All I Want Is You]

MATCH MY FREAK PUHLEASE

Jun 19

Me when it feels like 3 people hate me just because I want a sandwich from a good restaurant.

[miumiucowboy]

how i ruined my perception and idea of love

this is going to be pretty hard for me to write, and please bare with any grammatical errors etc as i am writing this just as the thoughts enter my head. maybe a video would be better but its almost 3AM and I have to be quiet. here is some context, im 18 years old, cis male and gay. all of my school life i was either bullied or made to feel uncomfortable in my sexuality, and this established a strong disconnect, especially in later years of high school, between the other guys and me. whilst i have female friends, its almost hard for me to feel like i fit in in either of this realms. besides my best friend who i would give the entire world too. i think its kind of important to note too that my father is, to be frank, emotionally unavailable, and my mother who has passed an array of her own problems onto myself, and she is emotionally manipulative and unstable, screaming and me, abuse to next second non-stop affection and love. btw, in no means is this me being like 'omg im so abused and mentally ill and no one wants me' like that victim complex stuff annoys me so bad, im just trying to figure out some emotions, but yeah i feel like that is important context. around my eighteenth birthday last year, I began seeking fulfilment off older men from the forbidden app (none of my friends even know about this) as a way to kinda fill a void of affection within me. ultimately this has totally destroyed my perception and idea of being loved. i'm currently talking to the cutest boy from brazil, and he is the first boy who I have ever genuinely been interested in getting to know on a deep level, ive never felt this way about anyone before so im trying to sort myself out for his sake and also because I really really really want this to work. i want to be loved so bad. i constantly crave validation from him, otherwise I feel as if he is loosing interest and for that I blame my mother - constantly trying to work around her unstable emotions, to stay in her 'good books' otherwise hell would rise. this is one of the biggest regrets in my life so far, is always catering to the what she would want. its always at the forefront of my mind and I feel as if she controls me in that regard. i also become way way way too attached to people who show me the smallest amount of attention just because I really am so lonely. im currently at university and this is a whole other thing but the loneliness is insane, especially when you see friends doing so well socially, and of course im happy for them its just hard because I feel like my teenage dream and expectations vs what I have done are so far apart from each other and I feel like im wasting my youth away. im also scared that i am unable to associate love and sexual desires with one another, and im scared that this is going to happen with this new guy. my entire mindset around love is ruined. idk what to do this isn't even all I wanted to say but its actually so hard for me atm so im going to stop here. i just hope that this works out between me and davi I really really really pray that it does

[10hour11minute]

;

[queerautism]

Okay so update on the POTS - or rather, not POTS. Um. Tw for general medical shit (including literal shit [nothing graphic] in my case).

So that's my mood stabilizer and antidepressant, respectively.

Text (important stuff is bolded): Using ziprasidone together with escitalopram is not recommended. Combining these medications can increase the risk of an irregular heart rhythm that may be serious and potentially life-threatening, although it is a relatively rare side effect. You may be more susceptible if you have a heart condition called congenital long QT syndrome, other cardiac diseases, conduction abnormalities, or electrolyte disturbances (for example, magnesium or potassium loss due to severe or prolonged diarrhea or vomiting). Talk to your doctor if you have any questions or concerns. Your doctor may be able to prescribe alternatives that do not interact. You should seek immediate medical attention if you develop sudden dizziness, lightheadedness, fainting, shortness of breath, or heart palpitations during treatment with either of these medications. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

End text.

One of my main issues that I've had with my chronic illness has been chronic diarrhea. Wouldn't you know it, I've been dealing with weird heartbeat fuckery (mostly roaring pulse so idk what that implies or w/e), dizziness, lightheadedness, etc and now I'm starting to think that maybe I should get a Holter Monitor test done, just to be safe. I'm going to bring it up with my psychiatrist first, that way I have a professional backing me up when I go to ask my mom to take me to the doctor for this. In the meantime I'm just gonna drink lots of gatorade and hope for the best. Hopefully the illness symptoms won't be a problem anymore very soon, but it's still a little freaky.

Oh damn im sorry!! That sounds pretty scary, but I'm super glad you found out about it. It definitely sounds like something doctors should have at the very least warned you to watch out for :/

I hope they take this seriously and you can get it sorted.