#hides some thoughts down here
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when all your pizza rolls are gone
#hides some thoughts down here#oh btw#absolutely no hate to everyone in this server#i have a whole lot of friends in there and they all are nice people#but...#i think im scared to show my actual feelings towards things in this server im in#i go with the flow in it because when i talk about things on my own my brain goes kaput#i think im behind with the times too because im always asking about words and stuff#also everyone in the server is older than me so i feel like a stupid kid even though im less than a year away from becoming an adult#well mostly everyone#also half the times it feels like its a fallout server now#which im not complaining ofc i think fallout is cool#but if i ramble about something i like it feels like it gets either a delayed response or it gets half the attention other thoughts get#maybe im the problem with seeking attention and stuff#i hope im not annoying everyone in that server#speaking of annoying#i think i do annoy people in there with my fandom likings#its like every time i watch a new movie i like a certain character and it feels like the annoying norm#also one character i like has some serious lashback because it killed someone else's favorite character#i know the lashback is a joke (i hope) but it feels like im liking the wrong character#i hope someone with the certain name holding an a and a j doesnt read this and use this against my friends#its just a ramble/rant#nothing against anyone ofc im just spilling out some thoughts
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So in fancontent (idk how based it is in canon) you often see robin!jason era bruce&dick constantly arguing and getting into screaming matches, or rh!jason commenting on how they always used to do that.
So I really wish there wss more actual exploration on the effect that would have on him. It's always just quick throwaway lines or jokes, but never does anything really explore how it fucks up your relationships to always be expectinf another fight, to always be a bystander, to try and get along with each person independently and yet being scared to be around them bc you know at some point the yelling will come back. And the worst is when it's about you. It's not fun or comforting to know something you did or said caused an argument like that.
I just. More acknowledgment on the ways this could fuck up Jason's homelife and sense of safety please.
#my dc posting#jason todd#bruce wayne#dick grayson#jaybin#can you tell i heavily relate to jason here. can you#its not fucking fun to be a bystander! its not fucking fun to try n drown out the screaming w ur headphones!#he'd always be tense. he'd hate when dick comes to visit bc it means arguments and fear and being unsafe.#quick switch from happy fun times to gotta hide in my room to lets ignore that happened n never address it again#anyway. yeah. many thoughts#ur brother is here which means ur gonna idk. play some games n talk n its great :D#just ignore the foreboding knowledge thats shit is gonna go down when night comes and the cycle will always keep repeating : )
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nonhuman burr, washington, and eliza!!!
#okay yes proportions r funky ignore that please its design explaining time#burr has a squirrel tail bc he reminds me of the squirrels on the road when ur driving towards them and they panic. not really#i thought itd be funny. he has a deer nose and when he was younger had had those fawn spots on his cheeks. v cute#he also is like stony around his joints. uhm. bc he's grounded and unchanging and it just fits yknow#and then he has the horns that form a halo. he got that from his grandfather.#okay now washington isnt just eagle wings i promise he just hides everything else bc of some leadership physiological thing#he probably has some tree shit going on. maybe a dog idk yet#if yall have ideas let me know#okay so eliza !!!!!!! i wanted to give her wings from the very beginning so here you go#(does alexander have a thing for wings..... idk you'll have to wait and see my maria design /hj)#uhm horns and flowers/plants bc i felt like it???#she has lightning down her back btw. and a feather tail. cant see it bc dress#and she also has those orbs around her. for fun. its like those spirit lights you see in ghost/alien footage#i added the lightning bc of her personality from what i can tell.#amrev#amrev au#elizabeth hamilton#elizabeth schuyler#eliza schuyler#guys which one do i use she has a lot of tags#aaron burr#aaron burr fanart#george washington#george washington fanart#.... is that not a popular tag#anyway#amrev fanart#digital art#art#if youve read this far comment “i love eliza's flowerrr” or something similar.
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An Animals diorama I made, based on the Pop Gear music video of "House of the Rising Sun"!!
🌅🐾✨️
(Detailed pictures under the cut!)
#celebrating the release of 'house of the rising sun' on this day in 1964!!#AAAAAAAA GOSH.... THE ANIMALS IS HERE!!!!!!!#i've had the idea for this project for over a year now.... so glad i was able to actually make it happen!! 🥹#this is my first time ever making a diorama like this so it's a little rough in some areas bUT the handmade nature is what i was aiming for#hAD TO DRAW EVERYONE'S HEIGHT DIFFERENCES. PERFECTLY. even with john and alan sitting down 🙏#speaking of john you can barely see the meticulous detail of his drum set bUT IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS#i spent two hours rendering all of that metal 😔🙏 GOTTA SHOW JOHN HIMSELF#i painted the background myself!! also got the cardboard base and walls from work#the base is an overturned parmesan cheese box 😔🙏 been in the dairy section the past few weeks which is fine NICE AND COOL.#everything came together so nicely aaaaa#iNCLUDING HILTON'S TRYING-TO-HIDE-HIS SMILE#i have drawn alan with sooooo many vox continentals this year and i will draw MORE#eric burdon#alan price#hilton valentine#chas chandler#john steel#british rock#british invasion#60s rock#60s music#house of the rising sun#classic rock#classic rock fanart#it's going to top the charts mickie.......#worried life arts#the animals
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Very silly sequel to my other Fuuta/Mikoto duet art -- it turns out both VAs were in this singing group anime together! (I haven't seen any other Milgram vas overlap songs, and now I've found two for them, huh...) I cut the songs together to make a fun little duet, but the individual versions are here: 🔥 ⚾
The outfits are courtesy of @clover0101 's au here :D
#milgram#fuuta kajiyama#mikoto kayano#i hope you dont mind the tag but ahh i thought the designs were so cute :')))#if anyone knows of any other overlapped songs lmk 👀#i want to edit monopoisoner like this where they go back and forth (since the version i like has them both singing simultaneously)#but that requires some pitch editing and it was taking me too long to figure out#this was super quick but ill sit down and figure that one out sometime lol#they both have such pretty voices ;---;#i cant remember if putting links in a post actually hides it still or not but eh its fine#reblog my post boy#just something silly and fun while i try to remember how to draw adfsd#i feel like my art suddenly got worse so im trying to sneak in fun things here and there before i tackle my other#wips/beancret santa stuff...
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WOAH, HE'S BIGENDER? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
#hey. hey. im just saying. he LITERALLY 'transed his gender' in a diagetic bit in orange. and if that wasnt enough.#in blue he disguised himself as squid jenny specifically with larry's powers (the only thing hes done with them on screen)#got caught by his god-assigned roles-obsessed caretaker. and was given the label of being something intrinsically unescapably deceitful.#while 'pretending' to be trans girl.#like. if i wasnt pretty sure it was all an accident i might even call the allegory here slightly heavy-handed.#with the nccts emphasizing a theme of 'youre not just what people say you are#you can be more than one thing at the same time' with crim#i think crimson can have boygirl swag. some bigender pizzazz. i think he deserves it.#is it REALLY a cpu kerfuffle arc without a subversive narratively relevant gender-transing.#am i supposed to believe the spirit of deviance himself is cis? get fucking real. grow up. /silly#also a lil crimtoinette in there. just for flavor. because i cant help myself.#also sidenote the nccts have given him this cute lil tendency#to tip his hat down to hide his face when hes trying to be Genuine or Thoughtful or Poignant. and i enjoy that little touch#i maybe like this guy a little too much. hes most of what ive drawn for months.#but what do you want from me. i read him as a queercoded villain deconstructed at the metanarrative level.#am i just supposed to be normal about that.#me and zia talked about this in dms and discovered. we came to a lot of the same conclusions. completely independently. lmao#cpuk crimson
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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two posts in about 6 hours! new record!
@verysexyseagull you asked about the deer and i wanted to make this anyway so here ya go
#of kits with daggers au#yosuke hanamura#the light from the rift illuminating everything#the misty forest#my okay attempt at line less art#i wanted the deer to be significantly more goopy but the fur works#the eyes are just black cause i thought it was nice#yuri/yosuke is down in the corner hiding under tree roots like a botw krookdile#korok; i’m not retyping that#he’s the only one here with lines! bro wtf#unseen: the bloody sleeve that is not helping with his new wound#i wanna do an adult yosuke awakening to amatsu (feral man. he’s pissed the fuck off and actually about to kill some people)#and - cause i think i’m funny - yuri is wearing a grizzly fur coat#not coat more like a cape
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when ppl are like "do u know ppl of x minority that ur still in contact with" as a gotcha ig to say ur not actually as open and progressive as you say you are but bud... i dont talk to anyone from my past, lmao, I dont think thats a fair metric to go by quite frankly
#no i dont talk to that person anymore. just like i dont talk to any of the privileged ppl i knew anymore either lmao#i kinda cut everyone off bc apparently ppl in my state just have a hard on for being judgemental assholes all the time and im tired of it#i thought maybe it was me but i hear from ppl who arent from here all the time that ppl are way more weird and cliquey here#and its hard to make friends so. i feel less bad now lmao.#i thought i was crazy but no im seeing reality perfectly clearly. ppl just are super cliquey here for no reason#and anyone who strays from the status quo in any capacity must be Shunned and Condemned for being Wiyuurrd#the more right leaning types dont try to hide it. but the progressive try to cloak their disgust and uncomfortability with people#being different with a bunch of excuses. literally making shit up about me to justify hating me so they can still feel progressive#while hating and making fun of me in an explicitly rw way#like. acting like kiwifarms people out here being fucking strategic n shit pretending to like me so they can make fun of me type shit like#you look like a nazi dawg lmao.#you make me feel like hanging out with my brothers friends- who definitely leaned a bit to the right- is more ideal bc at least they're#fucking out in the open and honest about making fun of me bc they think im weird. yall are too cowardly to just own up to it.#'n-no i swear its because he did [thing i either did but it didnt go down the way they said or something they made up]! i swear im not#just making shit up just to make fun of him !!!!!!! i promie!!!!'#i literally cut off all my hair bc of taking 'lsd' from those same brothers friends bc i went fucking crazy basically (trying to emphasize#how low the bar is that id rather hang out with these dudes than the more left leaning ppl i knew) and people assumed i did it bc some girl#who had or died of cancer that i never even fucking heard before??? like idk. ig they thought i was trying to be insulting or smthn????#i didnt even know who this chick was and it was my first time hearing about her when ppl told me someone spread that rumor.#bitch i was sitting in my bathroom for hours having weird discussions in myself and basically fighting between my real self#and what felt like an external force of all the judgements ppl have made about me manifest into one being (zero) trying to convince me#i couldnt be me and i felt like he possessed me to cut off all my hair and i heard him say 'THIS ISNT YOUR REAL HAIR!!!'#since it was dyed at the time and i was embracing being trans and embracing being my true self but something about that 'trip'#fucked me up and detrans and it had a lot to do w another trip i had w those same brothers friends making me feel inadequate.#i dont know who da fuck you were talking about bitch im living in a nightmare over here can we talk about that instead of whatever tf#you're going on about and making up to justify hating me and ignoring my suffering?
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Never finished writing up all of their synopses as posts here but! I did make this google doc
79 AUs. 7000+ words. All spicyhoney brain rot
#any questions r welcomed. there's some art here and there on this blog of some of these guys but I'd like to make another doc for that too#so it's all in one place and easily navigable#would only be my stuff tho sorry I'm too scared to ask Sacyo if I could add his stuff too#honestly i might wind up taking this down or at least hiding the post#idk why i get so scared to talk abt this stuff. I didn't used to#i was also planning on making a doc w/ like. character refs for all these aus and other important characters to the boys#but this alone took like a month to do and it's just been sitting in my accnt since then bc i was too scared to post... </3#anyways#spicyhoney#papship#papcest#sns thoughts...#extraspicyhoney#sns fic stuff#i guess??
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if i was an artist with budget i'd be able to draw the buildup and all. i am not an artist with budget tho. so 3 panels will do
Kinda suggestive/nsfw tags btw go there with caution
anyways i think i huave covid
#perceptive little crow#fettered paintbrushes#never thought i'd be able to make a kiss scene this good. it's not spectacular but yesssssssss it's exactly what i wanted#anyhow i'll die and go to hell#depending on how im feeling I'd give you two answers over how this went down#the first one is that peka just was struggling for his life to get the knot done (he's doing a hard one) so he went#'ok maybe if i make out with her I'll be able to hide the fact i can't do this at all'#the second one is that. man. tying someone's tie? having your hands close to their body in an attempt to do something for them?#SPECIALLY what might as well be the love of your life? the one person that you just can't stop looking up to?#man that's hot as fuck#snd he felt it#of course he couldn't describe it (nor that he knows the words anyways) but he felt it deep down#the way im wording this kinda seems like this would've been their first time. like both kissing/making out and#hell maybe even having sex together#which honestly? kinds fits#i guess one of the things about their relationship is the restrain they have#i don't even know why it'd happen yet. i just feel like they wouldn't really like...allow themselves to be intimate. at all#maybe some hugs here and there but never something actually like. deeper#it's just kind of a fun scenario if the bubble finally broke in such an innocuous moment#only because one of the parties felt a little bit more aroused than usual. and decided to act upon it#i guess that'd make it the more painful once they separate bc they literally wouldn't have time to enjoy each other anymore#anyways thoughts thoughts#sorry for being insane over teorija with a suit i think a sleeper agent just activated on me#anywayssss
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I think I understand now why I'm honest to Stars nervous every time I interact with online communities like the animation meme one, the furry one, etc.
It's for the exact reason why I'm terrified of talking to former classmates who entered nursing school.
A huge majority of the vocal minority never left behind their grade school bully mentality. I'm not kidding, throwing insults, or even calling anyone childish. This is as big of a problem as it is in nursing, and it takes lives in the exact same way. I'll explain.
Having had family who were in the medical field, I have heard utter horror stories about one side of nursing. Not even in a medical malpractice sense. But how some of them can have the sweetest, "empath" mask on when they are around you, but will smear your name behind your back at the very least, try to get you disciplined/fired (especially if you're a "rival" nurse/student) at unfortunately common worst.
Now, because I am a firm believer in nuance, I have to state that for as many malpracticing nurses there are, there are just as many nurses who put their patients before their ego always. I myself have had several nurse family members who didn't have even the slightest infraction to their records, and retired late despite how their patients AND fellow MPs yearned for them to stay.
But, it has to be said: It only takes one to kill. One word, one intentional slip-up, one accidental pill too many. The side of the accuser only need speak, while the side of the victim has to frantically fight for their right to the role- to the life- they worked so hard for.
Why? Well, because it's easier to destroy the perceived enemy than it is to build your own self up. Destroying the competition has been a tale as old as time, and it can ALWAYS be for the pettiest of reasons.
If you want more of your supervisor's attention for better odds at better pay, intimidate and belittle nurses of your standing or lower so they're demotivated, demoralized, and struggling in comparison.
Hell, if you just don't like another nurse, watch their every move, and rat on the few, harmless, honest mistakes they made!
Who cares how many patients die, either because of a growing lack of nurses, or because of straight up nurse-on-nurse sabotage!
Do you see where I'm going with this?
Do you see how people can put the grandstanding of their own ego above entire LIVES?
The near-homeless artist whose callout you are mindlessly reblogging, what of their life?
The kinky trans woman?
The genderqueer person with neopronouns and "conflicting" labels?
The literal teenager who doesn't- and CANNOT- know better because of their horrifically bigoted family? Not without external guidance, of which they can only have through the online, and are immediately shunned from?
You all want an easy answer.
There are none here.
There never will be.
The only answer is to practice media literacy, to wait until both sides have come out with their sides of the story, and to understand a very rarely spoken of Golden Rule:
If it isn't hurting anyone nor contributing to harm period, mind your own business.
Otherwise, if still hard pressed:
What do YOU get out of ending the life of someone as they know it?
If it's the same sense of satisfaction a cop would get, I don't know what to tell you.
All I know is that you cannot, AND SHOULD NOT, be doing their "job" for them.
And if you do, wipe that ACAB off of your bio.
We do not use the weapons of the oppressor on our own. ESPECIALLY on our youth.
#vee vibrates#youth liberation#youth rights#I might be kicking the hornet nest here but it really has to be said and I'm so sick of the excuses.#I genuinely thought my generation would be better than this but nah.#I put too much faith in the very same “Humanity” that can't even be fucking bothered to be humane.#I want to be proven wrong by these communities. PLEASE prove me wrong and do better.#Artists like myself who have much bigger life-threatening things to worry about genuinely couldn't care less for this pettiness.#I will care if somebody has VERIFIABLE IMMEDIATE evidence of serious s€x crimes or sc@mming or anything and takes that to the police.#Because if it was that criminal you'd report it. Blasting it on social media fucks ALL your chances of the hand of the law coming down.#( See: Hansen & Onision; all actual predators who weren't reported and milked as “lolcows” instead until the crimes climax )#I've been a victim of police negligence myself. I know that a lot of them just don't take the online seriously at all.#But it's no excuse to not try. If a ch!ld pr€dator is active enough w sufficient evidence it will at least attract SOME legal attention.#But nah I'm probably going to get told off by someone with hella skeletons in their closet over this.#It's always the one who scream the loudest & with most vitriol about the sins of their opponents 24/7 that have the most to hide. Lose even.#I just don't understand why we need to enforce such puritan standards on everybody ESPECIALLY trans women.#I thought us ex-Christians were proud to divorce ourselves from the same methods and beliefs that traumatized us.#People hate cops and priests until they see the advantage in being one I guess.#medical neglect tw#medical tw#medical malpractice tw#death tw
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Temperate Lake Dashboard Simulator
🐦⬛2xcrested_cormorant Follow Going to try and eat this weird fish
���️🐦⬛2xcrested_cormorant Follow wilmdlife hopital
🐸rana-bufo Follow No one can ever truly understand what BULL4rog's music means to me 😭 this song in particular argrgrgrgrgrg the way he puffs out his vocal sack asdfghjk
BULL4rog: listen here on spotify ♻️🐸rana-bufo Follow I think I huave chytrid
🐟ilikeeatingminnowsFollow I just migrated here from finstagram please be nice
🐠powerbottomfeeder Follow
I have HAD IT with this lake, it’s the third day in a row we’ve had nitrates above 8 ppm and uug the algae, my allergies I can’t do this
♻️🐟carpy-diem Follow
Lol we regularly get nitrates up to 20 ppm in my lake ♻️🦞crawdaddy Follow uhhh you shouldn't be bragging about that, it's really unsafe ♻️🐟carpy-diem Follow suck it you little oligotrophic bitch
🐢snappturt Follow Dear Tumblr, am I the Basshole for the way I catch minnows? I was chatting with some of the guys I bask with and they said the way I catch minnows is problematic; What I do is I sit on the bottom of the lake, I hide myself in the mud and I open my mouth. My tongue looks a lot like a little worm so I wiggle it around- and because of that, minnows swim over and check it out. Once they get close enough, then I bite down and eat them. Some of my rockmates have told me that this is manipulative and toxic behavior- but they also eat minnows...I don't know guys...
🦆tree hole-nester-acorn-eater Follow
is it just me, or is this super homoerotic???
🐟bigpikexxl Follow liveblogging diving down to the bottom
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow dark
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow big log
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow rock
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow kinda cold
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow oh hi @deepwatersculpin!!!
♻️🐠deepwatersculpin Follow oh hey @bigpikexxl!!!
never thought i'd seen one of my mutuals irl!!! I didn't even know we lived in the same lake!!!
🐠Shadlad Follow I'm not sorry, and I'm not afraid to say it, if you're an introduced species, go dry yourself out. You're not welcome to eat up all of our resources and live in my ancestral longs and rock crags. These things are for us to relate to and not for you to squander.
♻️🦞crevice-steve Follow
Can't believe this type of fishcourse is still popular on this site, introduced species didn't choose to be introduced and have as much of a right to live as anyone else. Bigotry against introduced species is still bigotry and that's a hill I will dry on. ♻️🐠Shadlad Follow Go ahead, dry yourself out then ;) ♻️🪷nootnootnewt Follow Hey man, I hate invasive species as much as anyone else but please stop telling people to beach themselves for political reasons- yeah that includes inavsives too ♻️🦐typical_scud Follow Did you legit just use the word Invas*ve to describe introduced species? ♻️🦢flatfootswimmer Follow anyone in this thread eat pondweed?
♻️🐟largemouthbASS Follow A colab with my mutual @2xcrested_cormorant after they got released from the wildlife hospital. They haven't been on much since the Fish and Wildlife Service released them in the wrong lake and it took them a while to get back to their colony. We hope this guide will help you avoid accidentally eating/engaging with bait!
#fishblr#fishposting#fake post#dashboard simulator#cw thalassophobia#thalassophobia#ecology#freshwater ecology#wood duck#walleye
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okay so the tags on that last post got me feeling those melon collies so i'm just gonna. tagdump in here. slightly sensitive topics? so uh. scroll down (or press J to jump to next post). or read my thoughts like the morning paper. sorry. cheers.
#edit: oh cool the mature content warning doesn't actually hide the tags? that's fucked.#i'll drag these to the top hopefully it'll push some lines back#one last space-filler tag for the road - weird brain thoughts afterwards#i dunno i'm just. i do not have a sense of self. i do not have a sense of identity.#essentially anything i can ascribe to myself is worn in the same vein that it fits close enough.#like clothes picked out after hours of unsuccessful shopping and im just tired and want to go home#am i a writer? sure. i write decently. i have a decent grasp of sentence structure. puts me leagues above plenty of other writing i see.#but then when i actually decide that i should write something i'm just filled with dread.#i can't respond to rp's i enjoy with partners i enjoy. i can't write fics about prompts and premises that i like.#am i a gamer? sure. i got multiple consoles; multiple game sources for each console; a backlog of games ive had to catalog.#but when i try to pick one out to play i just. don't want to. nothing appeals. nothing looks fun. i ask for suggestions and i take none.#anything singleplayer i have to stream or it's not fun. anything multiplayer i have to coordinate with others until we get bored.#what do i *do?* what do i *enjoy?*#i can keep myself occupied if needed but at the end of the day im not fulfilled#am i a programmer? that's the closest thing to enjoyment i've gotten in a long time#but do i actually enjoy the act of programming or do i enjoy the result#where at the end of the day i can show off what i made and get lauded with praise#i get a similar sense of satisfaction when im doing tech support and pull something out my ass and everybody goes “whoa how'd you do that”#the analogy that i've used a lot is how in some games at the start it's fine and fun#you're getting progression you're making progress you're learning and earning#but eventually it just. stops. there's more - not just in theory; it's right there! you can see it! - but it's just. so far away.#you can get there EVENTUALLY but it's just a grind. just a slogfest. there's more to unlock. more to explore. just sign in today. tomorrow.#keep coming back. you'll get there. eventually. it'll take forever.#now if this was an ACTUAL video game people would recommend that you stop and step away. does it spark joy? no? stop playing.#but ah. i can't quite stop playing this one.#and don't worry! i don't plan on putting down the controller! even though i mope and grump and weirdtalk my way down this hill#there is ZERO chance of me doing that.#but i ah. don't have a desire to keep playing.#it's a weird middle state to be in. don't wanna put down the controller. don't want to keep playing. i am just sitting here.#ive been attributing my more frequent thoughts on the matter to the whole roommate situation
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need to learn how to stop doomscrolling so i can actually get my work done literally this is a spongebob ass situation
#stream#like AKSKALKSLKSLAKSLAKSLKA#basically also unrelated but i’ve been contemplating reporting it to the accom so there’s this guy that just does whippets behind the empty#undergrad buildings (in my accom like they’re the buildings for undergrads) like it’s LITTERED w cans & i know it’s his bc that’s HIS stoop#like i’ve seen him there before but i just thought he was just without accom & he was always on the phone for that reason but the thing is#is i do drugs & i hide the drugs so having THESE MASSIVE THINGS JUST OUT IN THE OPEN where security can find means they’re going to be#coming to MY room looking for DRUGS & we CANNOT have that#but like idk i was taking a pic of it bc there was still a balloon on the nib as well i was like ‘lol cardiff’ but then i saw him down the#way & he definitely saw me takin the pic & now im like fuck#bc he’ll know who reported or whatever#smh#BUT LIKE#ALSKALSKLAKSLJSLAKLSKALA#THEY BITCH ABT SECURITY TO ME DESPITE HAVING NO FUCKIN SECURITY AT ALL LIKE NOT EVEN THE MINIMUM#A WORKING LOCK ON THE FUCKING GAYE#GATE#BUT THEN THERES ALSO A FUCKING#anyway#literally 3 egress points on foot & not 1 is locked & 1 - 2 of them are used as common shortcuts#like there is NO security at ALL#like it’s fine i wouldn’t care if he was sheltering there literally like 🤝🫡 but BRO ???? DISCRETION ???????#SOME PPL THAT LIVE HERE DO DRUGS TOO & CANNOT AFFORD TO BE DEPORTED#THERE ARE TONS OF BINS JUST TOSS THEM IN 1 😭😭😭😭😭#also someone’s used tampon has been on the ground directly outside the entrance to my building lol
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baring your teeth behind your smile
#knew he didn't love me but i suppose i thought he cared#knew he looked down on me for my upbringing but. maybe it was more than that#i was never special like him and some of the others#the only one who ever saw me for myself instead of my position or what i could do for you#except not because it was all an act#it was about that. just in the opposite way than with most people#how do i even begin processing that#it's a new life now but how do i get over it#and i still need to hide all my feelings most of the time because no one wants to deal with the baggage#so it's not really even that different#wish he was here. i always felt special with him even though i knew i wasn't#pers tag
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