#maybe im being very dramatic about it. but im still scared and sad regardless. :+(

[keepinventory]

i don't want to do it. but i know i have to. But i can still cry about it in the meantime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[momo-shut-the-fuck-up]

So i ve done the main story in infinity nikki and im gonna stop playin now, before i squeeze the game dry of content and have nothing (new) to do on release.

Time for a lil review/thoughts post

I m not gonna review every single mechanic in the game, simply things that stood out to me or that i wanna talk about. I also wont add more images, i kinda want ppl to see the world for themselves... i ll share more when the game comes out tho.

There s a lot of text under this. Tldr, i like the game i think it's a solid, enjoyable experience with a good gameplay loop, the story isn't for me, and i'll keep playin of course. And u should try it too if ur device wont blow itself up tryin to run it.

Dress up

The bread and butter of Nikki games... it's good as usual. Game doesn't shy away from long skirts or coat tails or complicated ballgowns just cuz nikki can run and jump and dash now and i'm very happy bout that. There's some clipping issues once in a while, but it's nothing major and the clothes we do have in the game are lovely. There s an evolution system for some of the sets, which makes em a diff color.... usually they can evolve once, but i saw Three extra evolutions for one of the UR sets and that scares me. Bcs to evolve them u have to craft the suit again. So u have to pull 4 copies of a suit to max it out..

Combat

Game's definitely succeeding in its quest for being cozy. There's no real stakes, combat isn't difficult in the slightest but i do welcome it- super simple but it's pretty fun regardless. The boss fights were surprisingly creative and fun for what they are, it's just unfortunate that you have to do them more than once or twice (crafting mats)- but they do change what the boss does so it's different depending on what mat u are farming for... and u can claim double or triple or however much stamina u got-le of the mat after u complete it once. So that s rly nice.

Exploration

I actually think it's really really good. Again this isn't a difficult or complicated game, not yet i guess... but with the major goal being "get new clothes" and "take pretty pictures maybe", the open world feels actively engaging to participate in. There's collectibles everywhere, little challenges you can do that are diverse but quick, styling battles, collecting everythin from animals fur to bugs to fish, and allll of this brings u closer to that never ending goal of woo more clothes.

However even if a challenge doesnt give you a blueprint, it's still just. Really Nice to exist in this world. It's very whimsical, as expected of Lilith, and the world has a combination of realism and cartoon artstyle that is just soso appealing to me. It's genuinely how i would've imagined miraland to look in 3d. Shame it's not the same miraland we know..

Story

Hmm... silly is one word i could use for it. Cute also. The story isn't doin anythin bad per se, and i did start skippin dialogue near the end w the pieceys because i want to keep at least Some part of the story for the game's release... but i get the gist of it, and it s just not my thing.

It feels like a story made for children, and it definitely would get a G rating. Easy and simple to follow, there's moments of tension or sadness sure but with the antagonist bein a literal babie lookin cutey fairy with a grown man's voice, or the creatures that i'm interacting with are a bunch of. Fuckin weird lookin big eyed balls of fabric that look closer to plushies than somethin Alive... it's all so silly and dramatic sometimes i can t help but cringe.

Part of it is a me problem, if u just open ur heart and free urself from the cringe the story is fine. It's just a little too kiddy for me and i so desperately hope it won't stay like this forever. My prayers might be answered though, there's a whole war beyond the borders and we have refugees around... shit's lookin bad for Umbrosa.

Other things i noticed that i liked:

The effect on nikki's skin when it's raining, she actually has water dripping down her face... its so cool

Momo capes are actually kinda neat ngl. Especially cuz the fucker follows u around everywhere, at least i can bedazzle him

Npc models look really good im a fan. They do suffer from "everyone is very beautiful" syndrome, which makes some of the npc villains look/sound ridiculous, but they have kid-teen-adult-elderly versions of models (i never see teen models in these games! Its cool!) And some body variation. The grandmas look so lovely i cry

The dark skin tone is really dark, and it looks quite nice and natural.

The lighting engine in this game is just rly good in general. God bless UE5

The edges of the map where there s forest, which u obv cant go thru, the forest is made to be darker, thicker.... i m a huge fan of this idk y. It's not just *invisible wall in front of an open field* nopee cant go there lets explore that area later tee hee. And it looks good to boot.

Camera function is p robust, has more options for changin brightness/saturation/contrast etc which i feel Shining Nikki lacks.

Some of the creature designs are so good man i looove themm <3.... the pieces are awful tho. Ok creature design is a hit and miss sometimes but the stray hatty? Peak. All the weirdy fashionable animals? Peak.

Bein able to quick switch thru ur saved sets while in the overworld is real neat

Oke that was it. Bye

[heathneycanon]

reasons why phobia factor fucking slaps

ok this lowkey just turned into me rambling abt phobia factor while i rewatched it. putting it under a read more bc it’s super long lmao

like, the entire first five minutes are the campers being friendly to each other?? and vulnerable, to a degree??? you know i love that shit

courtney and trent?? talk to each other?? like. okay they’re never in the same frame together unfortunately, but they do have like, two whole back and forth conversations.

also in that campfire scene at the beginning, cody and trent are sitting next to each other and there are some. good screencaps

“exSQUEEZE me?!” like cody. ur such a dork omfg

duncan vulnerability hours

lindsay asks what a standee is and trent explains it and doesn’t mock her/isn’t annoyed with her at all, in contrast to a lot of the other campers interacting with lindsay. i love them as friends SO much u all have no idea

harold’s little scene with the ninjas. i love him sm. why does he have nunchucks with him when he goes to the bathroom??

leshawna is afraid of spiders and she runs away screaming from. chef wearing a spider suit??? like i don’t love spiders but if a man i knew wearing a spider costume was calmly walking toward me i wouldn’t react the same way as i would to a real spider. anyway i think this is hilarious.

season one heather vulnerability hours.....

i mean, i really wish they’d actually shown her talking abt her fear at the campfire, rather than just having it told by gwen in the confessional, but i get why they did that. regardless that one scene right before the sumo wrestler charges at her where she’s literally shaking.... i want to give her a hug

side note i hope the sumo wrestler is okay he hit his head quite a few times

ok so. trent accidentally leaving gwen buried underground because he’s getting chased by a mime isn’t like. a sweet gwent moment. but it is one of their interactions that i remember most vividly from tdi lmfao

what is a cute gwent moment is trent like. kneeling next to her while chris is burying her. and the face he makes at chris when he jokes abt not digging her up..... i love them sm

also gwen sounds so fucking dramatic when they close the box she’s in like. “goodbye cruel world” gwen ur being buried for 5 minutes ur not dying sdfjlafskj i love her

duncan hyping dj up before he picks up the snake is so cute?? like he’s clapping for him and he’s got what i call “adorable duncan face” which is where his eyes are full circles and he’s smiling. i can remember him making this face at courtney, dj, and alejandro throughout the series and it’s just. ugh loving soft duncan hours

“ah! it blinked” “it means she likes you” sadie where are u getting this information

okay so i googled if this was true and the result i got was “snakes can’t blink” so first of all i have no clue where sadie pulled that fact from and i have even less of an idea of where chris got that fucking. blinking snake from. is that even a snake??

when dj picks up the snake and they all hype him up?????? i love the killer bass so much it’s unreal

more cute gwent moments... gwen and trent talking on the walkie talkies.. they’re so cute

when the mime pops up behind trent and he does that little scream.... it’s loving trent hours u guys

trent is so bothered by a mime literally just. being a mime. me too trent. me too.

duncan and the celine dion music store standee.... everything abt that scene

"DUDE SHE’S MADE OF CARDBOARD” tyler i love you

courtney genuinely saying that it’s okay if he can’t do it (when she was being harsh to dj about the snake earlier..... duncney is so good in tdi u guys)

and then theY HOLD HANDS GUYSSSS IM SOFT FOR THEM

and THAT is what gives duncan the encouragement he needs to go for it?? they’re so good.

his “okay, okay” right before going for it... duncan’s voice acting is so good in this episode omfg

THE MUSIC THAT PLAYS WHEN HE HUGS THE STANDEE AND THEN EVERYONE CHEERING ITS SUCH A GOOD SCENE

THE DUNCNEY HUG

“duncan, you’re awesome!” and the look of shock on his face at both the fact that he did it and that courtney’s hugging him...... have i mentioned i love duncney yet?? bc i do

i can’t believe i used to dislike duncney omfg

then when courtney realizes that she’s hugging him and steps back jafksdfjlsa she’s so cute

and then the rest of the bass come over and hype duncan up more like. i love how supportive they all are in this episode!!

trent is so excited when he finally gets the mime to leave him alone fakjldjfl like he didn’t have to ROAST the dude. but he did.

chris somehow owns a remote control hail cloud?

lindsay getting excited about the “baby cloud” and calling it over?? she’s so cute omfg

trent fucking. hates geoff. gwent has geoffphobia in tdi ig

when they dig up gwen and she throws the walkie talkie at his head but he doesn’t stop smiling..... your honor i love them

owen and izzy getting out of the plane and kissing the ground together..... adorable.

cody with a fucking. watermelon on his head and covered in trash scares bridgette out of the woods. that will never not be funny to me

THAT ONE FUCKING SCENE. WHERE SADIE AND LINDSAY HYPE EACH OTHER UP. THAT MAY BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES IN THE ENTIRE SERIES. I LOVE THEM SM

the only bad thing abt this ep- tyler should have gotten the fucking point. he completed the challenge. i love courtney, but realistically, she should have gone home this ep and tyler should have stayed.

bridgette hyping tyler up...... im soft they should be friends

“quit being such a girl” courtney im sorry but the only reason you’re still in the game rn is because ezekiel made sexist comments in episode one. what are u saying lmfao

tyler and heather’s reactions to their fears rly make me think. bc like. most of the other campers have a more outward, loud reaction, maybe scream and run away. a couple are just a little wigged out. gwen gets a little snippy and is clearly super freaked out as well. but tyler and heather just. completely shut down. like, curled up in a ball, nonverbal, and shaking. makes u think.

why did cody need a calculator to figure out that the score was 7/3....... cody is canon lgbt+ bc he can’t do basic math without a calculator confirmed

also regardless of how little sense that made. at least that screencap gave us commie cody

when gwen starts trying to psych courtney out and heather like. gasps and looks shocked..... i like to think that heather feels a little bad for courtney here. heathney real.

duncan and bridgette hyping courtney up..... i love the killer bass so much omfg

courtney looks so sad when she walks away from the jelly.......

and then in the confessional right after?? she’s like. crying a little bit :( and she’s beating herself up abt it like..... :( courtney no

LITERALLY she’s like “how could i be so weak” “i deserve to go home” “you’re pathetic” (to herself) and then tells herself to show some confidence and then. she just starts crying again. and then slaps herself?? GOD I FUCKING LOVE COURTNEY SHE’S SO HARD ON HERSELF

owen just. hangin out in the tub of jelly. i love u, u wild dude. fuckin sit in that green jelly. loving owen hours

the little look that courtney and tyler give each other when they’re the last two without marshmallows..... half solidarity half “i don’t want to be the one going home”. i love them sm :(

i KNOW i said this earlier but. tyler should NOT have gone home this episode!!!!!! only bad thing abt this ep

all the fuckin chicken puns are a little bit funny tho

“he won’t be flying high tonight” bridgette chickens can’t fly

when courtney goes “okay, that’s enough” like. tyler’s not even there at this point but she’s defending him. maybe it’s because she still feels she should have gone home instead? maybe it’s because of that little bit of solidarity she felt for him when they were the final two without a marshmallow? maybe i’m reading too much into this? but idk. i think it’s sweet

okay no i have another complaint. what the fuck was the whole boat ride for tyler?? like when sadie gets eliminated the surprise she gets is that katie is on the boat. when tyler is on the boat, CRYING, after literally none of his teammates came to see him off, after he LITERALLY COMPLETED THE CHALLENGE BUT DIDN’T GET CREDIT FOR IT. the fucking. CHICKENS POP OUT?????? tyler deserved better

also some of the challenges were a lot easier, or at the very least, harder to fail than others this ep. i love it but come on. lindsay and sadie vs like. gwen vs owen and izzy vs dj. there were very different time limits, actual fright level, ability to back out once they were doing the challenge.... not a fair challenge

also uhm. if we’re being technical tyler and heather had the exact same reaction to their fears, so why did heather get a point and tyler didn’t? if the chicken had run at him, would he have won? smh

i do love this episode so much but. i had a couple complaints

okay finally lindsay’s little confessional to tyler where she blows him a kiss.... they’re so adorable lyler rights!!

[bartsugsy]

Lo do you care about the second robron wedding this might be controversial but I don't care just cos I find it difficult to top the first I mean how do you top the parallels dirty little grease monkey the car boot nod the vows etc I don't think you can I mean it was in the garage for gods sake iconic as hell. Plus I don't care if it's legal plus I just see it as fan bait by IM and he's using the robron popularity 👎

Hey anon!

I agree and I don’t. I do think that the first wedding is just as meaningful and valid as a legal wedding would be and I certainly don’t feel like I need a second wedding particularly - the wedding we got was perfect to me.

Seeing as we’re going to get it regardless and they are going to make it legal, I am excited, but in a completely different way to how excited I was for the OG wedding. Like, I don’t feel like I need the next one to be meaningful in a parallel-filled way, I don’t need them to have the dramatic will they/won’t they, I don’t need it to tie in the kidnapping, the cars, obviously I don’t want it to have the tinge of heartbreak and sadness that the first one did, or for it to be this gigantic Ultimate Robert Sugden Romantic Gesture. I don’t need Robert to save Aaron’s last day and then have Aaron turn around and save the day right back. The first wedding was just… perfect, for all of that and more.

The second one… I don’t know. I’d like it to be as different as possible from the first, while still being about the boys and their love. I love the idea that we’ve got the private wedding and then we’ll get the public one, that Liv will be there, that they’re going to go through So Much between now and then and say their vows again in a different way, with even deeper meanings (plus it would be sweet if robert could maybe not immediately break these ones 😂).

I don’t know… the first wedding happened as a gesture to Aaron, as a way to make them both feel more secure before Aaron went to prison, but the lead up involved them almost getting married in Vegas (and I have I mentioned how much I still love that they managed to fit that into the story, as a shout out to the fans and Danny and Ryan’s theory, because I do) but then getting into their biggest fight since they’ve been an official couple. I’ve said since January that it’s no coincidence that a fight that big happened the day before they were supposed to elope. They weren’t ready to get married. If Aaron hadn’t have been arrested, they never would have gotten married as soon as they did. Right before the arrest, they’d left things with Robert trying to convince Aaron to go to Vegas so that they could take some time for themselves and see if they could work through their problems.

Aaron got arrested and it was bad, he wasn’t getting out of it, it was suddenly a very real possibility that Aaron would be going to prison and they were going to be separated, maybe for a damn long time, which terrified them both. Things like that - the idea of losing the person you love, can scare people into making rash decisions. Suddenly the stakes were so high and they were running purely on the knowledge that they wanted to stay together, they didn’t want to lose one another - so much so that they never revisited the argument they had that almost broke them. They never resolved those issues. They skipped it all and went straight to being together again. Neither of them are exactly good at confronting their issues in healthy ways, so the conversation was pushed down and buried, easily covered up by a much more pressing and seemingly worse issue.

So… when they got married the first time around, it was at a time when they hadn’t even slightly wondered if it would be a good thing for their relationship as a whole, or if they were ready, even. It was just another in a series of decisions that were yes, very much made out of very real love for one another and desire to be together, but while in this enhanced state of genuine fear of losing one another. It wasn’t a calm and rational decision, is what I’m saying.

And… weddings don’t need to be calm and rational to work. Marriages aren’t determined by the wedding, some couples can try their hardest to do the right thing and still not work it out and others can have the messiest fucking start of all time and against all odds still make it.

But… the idea that this happened, that they have all these half-said issues that they haven’t addressed since -

things that have ultimately led to disaster, because as I said last week, I honestly believe that the only reason Robert slept with Rebecca is because he knew it would be the thing that would hurt Aaron the most and we know it would hurt Aaron the most because Aaron’s fear of Robert betraying him literally almost tore them apart in January… which is what got them into this mess in the first place

- the idea that they have to go through this following the first wedding and that they still end up fighting to stay together, ultimately, and that they still want to be married, enough that they’re going to do it all again, but this time the way they meant to do it all along, together, that they want to say their vows to one another again and have a second first dance, that they want to do it all again but better, is kind of the best thing to me.

Because that’s kind of amazing right? That they can go through so much and put each other through so much and ultimately still want to make that commitment to one another all over again. It feels like it could just… mean a lot. So if that’s the way that Iain wants to make the most of our robron obsession love, then… I’m cool with it. We deserve it.

[prettivol]

scared to be lonely

my paper roses contest submission @v-0-3​ it’s a fic! 

I started this yesterday and im literally screaming b/c I was able to finish it. Inspired completely by the artwork you posted for 4k subscribers. I loved it so much and was craving to write something for it. Thankfully I finally did. 

here is a song to go with it -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvZyp8zMvnI

Story below~

There was an accident a week ago and then Hiro was gone. It’s not as simple as that but Akio still misses him, draws him in places where he would normally be, brings him up in just about every conversation. And this, Yuki is tired of but can tell how bad it must be to have Hiro up and leave, knowing the way he can be. Impulsive, emo to the point it ruins other people's moods (these are Yuki’s words), and a whole lot of self-loathing. Things that Akio could usually balance out with his bright and far more optimistic attitude but it’s must be hard for them to balance each other out when they are separated and have been for over a week.

But now the days are bleak, the sun is often shadowed by rain clouds or a simple overcast sky that leaves a lot to be desired. And Yuki doesn’t know what it is that’s really hurting Akio, even after watching him from afar all week. Even now, as he sits by the window looking out as the sun sets. Waiting, perhaps for Hiro to come back. Probably, for Hiro to come back.  It’s really dramatic and something right out of a drama and if Akio didn’t have amnesia he’d know that Hiro did this often and came back every time but even then he worried. Stupidly, to Yuki anyways.

“Uhm, Aki-” Yuki begins and is cut off when entering Hiro’s room where Akio seems to spend most of his days. He startles at the first vestige of sound making his sketchbook fall off his lap with a loud slap in the otherwise silent room. Apparently he was asleep but Yuki couldn’t tell from the way he was leaning against his hand, his unkempt hair hid his face just too well. “Are you okay?” She tries again, hands pressed nervously against the pleats on her dress. Akio is still blinking sleep away, looking at her, around her but his shoulders fall as if he’s expecting something. Like he has been all week.

Yuki can tell he understood her, from the way his expression shifts, calculating and forming an answer where one begins, he stops himself. And starts again. “I….I’ve been better.” Without even hiding the pain that he’s feeling, he leans over to pick up up the fallen sketch book as Yuki crosses the room, making sure not to let her eyes wander. There are countless paper roses covering Hiro’s bed, she doesn’t know if Akio made them but it’s a lot.

“You, uh, we can talk if you want? Dinner is ready.” This was -- sigh  -- hard. Yelling at Hiro for upsetting Akio was always easier because he didn’t remember some of the crazy stuff Hiro did but it wasn’t like Hiro had any trouble practically recreating those memories, even as going as far as injuring Akio, again. Of course not on purpose, never on purpose. Hiro wasn’t like that.

“How’s your arm?” Yuki tries as they transition to the dining area, Akio is so quiet behind her that she has to turn and look to make sure he’s actually following. The arm held up in a sling is a grim reminder in itself of both things weighing heavily on his mind. One, his wrist is broken...because of Hiro and second, that Hiro is gone.

And some point during this Yuki expects Akio to get fed up with her, tell her to leave him alone and just blow up because everything wasn’t going to be okay and that some things just can’t be fixed. At least that’s what Hiro always did and it would go on like that until Hiro left. But Akio’s voice is soft and level when he answers, the quiver of his voice when he first woke up is gone as if by putting his guard up again that could hide all of the other signs showing that he wasn’t okay.

“It’s fine, thanks.” There is a hint of a smile trying to make it’s way onto his face but funny how even that has become difficult.

In all honesty, Yuki doesn’t entirely know what has shifted between Akio and her brother since Akio’s memory loss. Sure they’re best friends, grew up together but Akio doesn’t remember that and things are the same but very different. And it wasn’t Yuki’s fujoshi side speaking here, it was the calculated, and observing sister who begrudgedly admits that Hiro didn’t try to change anything between them. He wanted to have his relationship with Akio remain as similar to when he remembered they were best friends and that was good of him. But he couldn’t help that something in Akio’s own heart resurfaced or blossomed like rose bud in spring but the familiarity of it all made her think it was the former.

Akio ate, as much as his mood would allow him and Yuki just wanted to slam her face into her bowl the entire time, this was getting really sad. Goddammit Hiro, you’re still being a selfish prick.

Later when washing dishes and putting them away, there is a distant sound of one bedroom door opening and another closing. Yuki can’t tell if it was from Akio leaving his room and going into Hiro’s or the other way around.

❦  ❦  ❦  ❦  ❦

The fourteenth day that Hiro has been gone, it starts tame and quiet. Just as bleak and dreary as the days before. Yuki is outside, just to take a break from the heavy atmosphere of the house. Somehow it’s even seeped outside or perhaps it just clings, heavy and suffocating. Just enough that it’s always on your mind and when you find one spare moment to not think about it you end up being grateful that you’re not thinking about it. But in that same moment of thanks you realize, you’re thinking about it all over again.

“If it’s going to rain just rain, get these gross clouds out of here.” Mumbling on her way back into the house where Akio is disappearing behind a door. They don’t see much of each other lately, Yuki tries. Akio doesn’t. He’s probably drawing again but Yuki can’t imagine there being anything left for him to draw, unless he’s drawing the same thing over and over. The thought alone worries Yuki enough to follow Akio behind said door. It’s quiet when she approaches and maybe he’s fallen asleep again but once at the door she hears it. The faint sound that only resembles paper tearing, it’s fast and frantic almost. Yuki pushes open the door to see Akio huddled over on the floor with his back facing the door and he’s pulling apart the paper roses scattered around the room. Pieces of white are raining down around him, in bits that almost resembles snow. They’re all around him, on him even.

Yuki steps in and her bracelet hits the wood on the door and Akio turns around, face wet with tears. Yuki runs over to kneel besides him, suddenly scared because it’s been this long and she expected him to snap days ago. But he picks up another paper rose from the floor and tears it apart, screaming as he goes.

“He thinks he’s nothing, can’t be good, can’t be anything!” Yuki goes to grab the paper from Akio’s trembling hands but he drops it and picks up another to repeat the process. Worrying Yuki that he’ll do something to his cast, he’s only been without his cast for two days and it’s completely possible for him to make his wrist worse. “He just thinks he’s a monster or something stupid. It’s why he always treats me like im easy to break and tear apart.”

Rip.

“I’m not!”

Rip.

“It’s not fair! I’m not- Ah! What are you-”

“Stop it, Akio!” Yuki has finally had enough and grabs the rose from his hand and sweeps all others around him away, feeling her own tears want to break surface but she blinks them away and helps Akio stand. Giving him a once over she can’t help but be disappointed in herself in letting him get like this, he should at least look better than he feels. She doesn’t have the words to comfort him right now because she knows he just wants Hiro to come back.

“Let me fix your hair,” Looping her arm gently around his as she pulls him out of the room, making sure to shut the door behind them.

And about ten minutes later Akio’s hair and pulled back tamely in a ponytail almost longer than Yuki’s but it’s her hand that hovers where she usually places a flower. Hesitant because it’s a yellow rose that she holds and she wants Akio to wear for all the thing it symbolizes. Joy, gladness, friendship, delight, and promises of a new beginning. Because if Hiro doesn’t come back this time they’ll have to move anyways. So she tucks it behind his ear gently and she watches how his eyes lift in the mirror to look at it and regardless of how he must be feeling, he smiles. It’s the most genuine one she’s seen in awhile.

❦  ❦  ❦  ❦  ❦

Thirty-two days and counting. Well, maybe not counting. Akio smiles on a regular basis now, doesn’t draw Hiro in the places he would have been, doesn’t bring him up in every conversation or at all really. But Yuki knows he still thinks about him, how can he not?

“We’ve already watched this one.”

“Yeah well, we’re watching it again. It’s one of my favorites.” Yuki sits down next to Akio as the movie starts to play. They’ve been watching plenty of fantasy movies because it’s the next best thing being as far away from reality as possible aside from sleeping. So they’ll take the dragons, the fairies, witches and wizards and imagine they don’t live in the world that they do. In a world where it’s actually been over a month and Hiro hasn’t come back.

They don’t talk much during the movie, movie etiquette of course. But Akio pipes up just halfway through. “Is it supposed to rain today?”

Yuki is squinting her eyes and looking around because why would he suddenly ask- Oh. There’s the window just beyond them that shows the front yard of the house. And to think that Akio would give himself away so easily, through a mundane question about the sky that was growing darker the passing moments.

But she won’t mention it, there’s no need. “I’m not sure but it looks like it.” Answering honestly, she looks over at Akio to see how he’ll react. His hair is shorter (he finally let her cut it) and he’s now traded out the cast for a brace. He really does look better, he even acted like he felt better and it actually fooled Yuki.

All Akio does is hum a reply, sad eyes downcast to his lap but he does what he must’ve been doing these past weeks to fool her. He looks up and gives her a bright smile and gestures towards the screen where the movie still plays. “Are you watching? You’ll miss your favorite part.”

She already did.

Sometime after lunch and just before dinner, Yuki tells Akio she’ll make them a snack because yeah they’re hungry but not enough to eat a full meal. Yuki also felt like it was a good idea to eat something before the rain put them to sleep.

Standing on her tippy toes to reach into the counters for a bowl, usually she recruit Hiro for this kind of stuff but not anymore. It’s not that things had to change because Hiro left it’s because Hiro left that things became changed. He was a vital part to their everyday lives, even if Yuki gave him so much grief, that’s her brother and that couldn’t be sullied by any childish animosity she had towards him.

But some adjustments had to be made. Pulling up a chair from the kitchen table she test it’s stability before climbing up to open a cabinet and pull out a bowl. Yuki is younger than them both and tip toeing around Akio’s feelings has become a bit troublesome for her but it wouldn’t be fair to take it out on someone else.

“Akio, what was it that you wanted again?” She calls back to him in the other room but doesn’t get a reply. “Akio?” Calling out again, putting the bowl in her hand down on the counter just as she see’s him run past her, bumping the kitchen table and she can’t get down from the chair fast enough to keep the vase from falling over. It’s a loud crash that she covers her ears to block but it doesn’t matter now. The front door is hanging wide open and the loud pour of rain barges into the house. Leaping over the mess of water, glass, and flowers she follows Akio to the door but stops when she see’s him crash into a figure wearing a white t-shirt some ways out. And hand comes to her mouth and there are a myriad of emotions that flooding her. She wants to run out into the rain too, but also to fall to her knees and cry because she’s missed him but this moment isn’t for her.

The rocks hurt when they stab the bottoms of his feet, they tell him to slow down and take his time but it’s Hiro. It’s Hiro who stopped walking when he saw Akio come out of the house, barrelling towards him like a frieght train. And there is an impact when Akio finally reaches him, it’s cold and wet and feels very much like the rain. But Akio is solid, he’s actually here. It’s Akio who embraces him before words start spilling and he seems entirely okay that Hiro hasn’t hugged him back. But Hiro isn’t at all okay that he knows that the tears on Akio’s face are because of him, holding him just an arm's length away so he can see and hear everything Akio has to say.

The first thing he noticed before he even reached Hiro was that he was wearing different clothes from when he left and didn’t at all look as disheveled as he could have been and that makes Akio curious as to where he went but now, with him fully here in his arms, he doesn’t want to know. Doesn’t want to hear about what he’s been up to when he wasn’t here. None of that matters.

Akio tries not to cry but his heart doesn’t have the capacity to hold back these feelings anymore. “Why would you leave, Hiro? What good does that do?” He knows Hiro isn’t going to answer. “I’ve already told you that I’m not scared of you but you keep acting like you want to be a monster. Look at this Hiro!” Lifting the arm to show Hiro the brace on his wrist. “It’s healing, Hiro. Wounds heal, you can’t act like I’m broken forever. And you definitely can’t leave like that because it hurts far worse than any broken wrist, arm, or bone would!” And because Hiro hasn’t responded, Akio feels like hitting him for the first time ever.

Hiro’s head falls lower to avoid eye contact. “You act like I didn’t hurt you, it could’ve been worse. That’s what you don’t get, Akio.”

“No, Hiro,” His tone is soft again but loud enough to be heard above the rain. “You did hurt me, I get it but I know for a fact you didn’t do it on purpose so I have no reason to be scared of you or to want you gone. And I will never want those things because I know you’d never hurt me on purpose.”

“How do you know I wouldn’t?”

“Because I’d like to think I know you, Hiro. This has nothing to do with any other accident before.” A warning, to keep Hiro from saying what he knows he’s going to. “I’m fine, okay? It isn’t fair for you to just leave because you think it’s the right thing to do. Not having you here was unbearable and you fooling yourself into thinking that I don’t want to see you is unnecessary. No matter what it is, neither of us deserves to hurt as badly as we have.” Akio brings him in again, hoping maybe he’ll hug him back this time.

Yuki is still standing in the doorway with a hand over her mouth, unable to hear anything Akio is saying above the rain. She’d feel like she were intruding if she did but she could tell Akio was angry or whatever that emotion was to him. A moment after Akio hugs Hiro again and he doesn’t respond, Yuki’s heart sinks, assuming the worst, that Hiro has surely convinced himself he can’t be forgiven for what he’s done. But he wouldn’t come back if that were the case.

Akio is going to have a cold for sure tomorrow and it’ll all be dumbass Hiro’s fault. She’s just about to yell for him to come back but Akio moves his head where his forehead rest against Hiro shoulders and this way she can’t tell if he’s saying anything at all. But whatever happened did something amazing. As slow as they may be moving, Hiro’s arm come up around Akio smaller waist and squeeze as though he’d never want to let go. Yuki takes a step back into the house to hide behind the door frame, feeling like she’s peeping from a hundred feet away. When she can see them again Akio is smiling, a smile she’s seen countless times. Both real and fake but this was clearly real. Her own smile that has showed itself few and far between the past month radiates through the stormy weather.

“Welcome home, Hiro.”

[traumabrained]

Physical abuse tw. You know how it's common for survivors to think their trauma is not that bad and that they're overreacting and not valid, well for me it's sorta the opposite. I know the stuff that happened to me was abusive, i know that getting hit with a belt/being spanked is abusive but was i traumatised by it? am I really a survivor or allowed to call myself one? Because i rarely feel emotion and when you're traumatised you feel either sad angry or scared but I'm none {]1/2[}

Physical abuse tw. So I'm not really sure if I was traumatised and thus was it really abuse? It happened to me when i was younger, a kid. Now it doesn't happen anymore and I'm not sure if it's abuse because it doesn't happen anymore. And was i really traumatised or am i just being dramatic? {]2/2[}

im gonna answer a question you didn’t ask first, because it leads into the question you did ask, so bear with me a bit.

the whole positivity culture on tumblr is an interesting thing, because it often has to be worded a certain way so that it applies to some people, but not others. for instance “it’s okay to be mad and scream at yell at them” is very good advice for survivors of abuse, but absolutely terrible advice for like, everyone else. because not all advice, or positivity, is universal--nothing applies to everyone. 

re: the ptsd community (or abuse survivor community, really) on tumblr, there’s a lot of positivity, but it doesn’t tend to cover all the bases. so what happens is you end up getting a lot of posts saying “It’s okay to be mad” and a few posts saying “it’s okay to feel very small and scared” but practically no posts saying “it’s okay to feel nothing”. this isn’t anyone’s fault, really, it’s just that people are going to make positivity posts for people that they know about, i.e., if they don’t even know that some people feel absolutely nothing about their trauma, then they’re probably not going to include that in their positivity posts.

and while on a grand scale, positivity posts don’t really matter, what does matter is that if you see a million positivity posts for abuse survivors, but none of them say anything that you experience, then you’re gonna start wondering if it was actually abuse.

so to the question that you actually asked: not everyone thinks it’s normal behavior. some people know it’s fucked up, but it’s not like they can say “hey abuser this is wrong i know you’re abusing me!” like. that would not work. you would not achieve anything there. so even if you know it’s happening, it’s still abuse. even if you’re thinking “this is abuse” while it’s happening, it’s still abuse. whether or not you’re aware of it, doesn’t change how wrong it is.

the second thing is that in fact not everyone feels very very scared or mad or sad or anything else--you’re probably not in the majority here, but a lot of abuse survivors don’t feel a damn thing. maybe they feel like it didn’t happen, or it was no big deal, or it was a big deal but they don’t feel anything anyway. regardless of you feel, it still happened. it was still abuse. you were still hit. and regardless of whether it’s still happening now, it happened then, and what matters is that it happened at all.

in short. yes, you were abused, and yes, you’re allowed to call yourself a survivor, because that’s what are. you were abused. you survived it.

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #10- “Is Cheatham actually high regularly or is it just a figment of his imagination?”- Sara

that was such a HARD tribal for me. i loved having noah on my side and stuff but also i know he would be one of the ppl to make a big move on me if he stayed . its getting harder and harder for each vote . i just gotta stay focused and hope my alliance stays strong another round or two . tumblr survivor gods i hope your pulling for me!

Austin and Vincent have to be testing me. I dont get why Austin is playing dumb with me or why he act like he didn't know. According to Vincent Austin was in on it. I mean regardless I know who Im just wanting to stick with but yeah, the weird jumped out. Cheatham is also saying this was a week or so then went MIA so thats cool

(LATER)

Austin and Vincent are coming off super sketchy. I mean it is nothing new with Austin, but Vincent oof. I dont mind it all that much because of who I prefer to go with, but it is interesting. If these guys are coordinated then, well, seems uncoordinated

(LATER)

So right now Austin, Cheatham, and Vincent have added me to a chat I guess to work together. I actually worry I am not Natalie Anderson, but Sierra Dawn Thomas Worlds Apart. Nonetheless, I think its smart for me to wait til F7 or so to make the move against Austin/Cheatham. I can't allow enough time to pass for the idol to bite me in my butt!

(LATER)

I now see that Austin probably thinks he can manipulate me, so I have to time when I vote him perfectly. Him feigning ignorance on the Noah vote tells me he likely feels I'm naive enough to believe him and hey people do prefer to keep the ones around they feel are lesser than themselves!

(LATER)

Ive had a change of heart- I think now Kyle is going to get dragged by people, however, I strongly believe he would choose me over anyone so its just a matter of navigating 6 tribals

Inane ramblings from Vincent's cf, dated 3 AM on December 26, formatted terribly bc this cf is dated 3:06 AM on December 26: >i'm looking ahead to the future >austin is likely going to want liam out >bc when he said he wanted to make a move he'd have to mean one of them >them being liam/am/sara >and as far as i can tell liam is being perceived as the glue >so if he goes then am/sara become lone wolves who are easier to manipulate >however if liam stays then the other one, maybe am, is linked with them and they will be mad at austin for doing this >so those are numbers on our side >my previous boot order (EDITOR'S NOTE: never discussed in a cf, but will be discussed at length later) changed due to the unexpected development that austin is willing to flip on his group >however i'll note now that there is a very good chance he's faking >although if he is i can't imagine why he'd put his true allies in such blatant danger when kyle is literally right there as a vote >*person to vote >so let's say 5-3 vote up next >me/cheatham/austin/chris/kyle all against liam's trio >ideally voting out sara >bc she is the messiest and the one i trust least >my goal will be to convince the others that this is the best vote >liam and i are good and he is my decoy f2 >too early for goat stuff but am is a better goat than sara imo >just keeping my options open >liam/cheatham/annmarie could easily each be in my f2 >but not in a "ideal f4" way >so if austin is with me for this vote then he should at least appear to establish further connections with me >he can't do anything without one of chris and cheatham >or kyle i guess >kyle is easily the most expendable of those 3 >so to limit austin's options we need to vote kyle >we >my old boot order is more or less the same >just kyle vote goes from getting austin's trust back to weakening him >then at f6 cheatham chris and i stick together >vote out am unless liam becomes dark horse threat >f5 austin goes >f4 chris >f3 liam >then maybe i win >wow this seems so real >like usually in orgs when i'm at the merge im like'well maybe it's still possible that i could maybe end up at the ftc but lmao imagine getting votes' >oh no i'm becoming overconfident >wow meeting noah in jury again is going to be awkward huh No matter how I place this is honestly one of my better confessionals. Either full of dramatic irony and I look stupid or I win and I look good. One outcome is significantly more likely than the other, of course. But neither isn't so bad, is it?

God I feel this challenge is gonna stir up so much shit! I just hope my target dont get bigger because of it.

Where I stand now is that Austin is very willing to have Kyle go this round quote unquote, but what is to say he may not actually want somebody else? It is interesting seeing him discuss his perception and everything. I guess he cannot help but try to downplay himself, but I feel the ship has sailed for him and now it is only a matter of time. Watch him pull a W

(LATER)

I can't wait for someone to get offended by this Touchy Subjects challenge. I know I won't. If anything, I'll just adapt with it! I also feel like now, it's important to see how AnnMarie and Sara handle things from here on out- either they're willing to try and go for Austin/Cheatham/Vincent, or they'll settle for Kyle. If this happens to go the way I think, I may end up as a potential swing in F7, but I sure as heck am not about to be like Miss Sarah Lacina Cop-Turned-Criminal in Cagayan. No Ma'am! I'm not ever feeling safe until I'm sitting in the Final 2

(LATER)

So Austin asks me for a name and I am like ok I dont mind if it is Kyle unless you guys are up to do someone else. Austin proceeds to say he wants to have options and just wants a name and I'm. It really feels like a bit of a bait just to go to X to say I said their name. I could be wrong but its just weird becaise I haven't heard him say a name yet

(LATER)

Austin! Do not think that Ive forgotten your leaky faucet ways! Like that's the odd thing about it- Austin has shown what he is capable of and it is just weird of him to press about this when I know he has lied to me before. Like right now I literally told him I am fine with anyone going and his response was to know who I actually want out. I really don't know what he wants me to say other than a name to implicate myself but nuh uh! Not I!

(LATER)

The way it looks, I can make the move to get Liam out but I highly doubt I will last much longer. All it will take after that is to say Chris did X lets do him  and so I want to try and wait at least to chat to Kyle. I also want to see how willing AnnMarie and Sara are willing to talk about this vote instead of waiting. I definitely do not want Cheatham/Austin/Vincent all in F6 or at worse F5 however that is easier said than done for this lot

Wowza, Cheatham is playing hard now. SO, basically the votes are supposed to go 6-2, Chris being voted out. Now I do not wanna go any further with Sara, AM, and Liam bc they will take out me and Austin first. So I talked with Chris and now there is a 4 person alliance with Austin, Me, Chris, and Vincent. Im going to use my idol on Chris and then Chris and Kyle will vote out one of the others. Kyle is a wild card and we don't wanna tell him EXACTLY what's going on because he is kinda crazy. So we are thinking about having Vincent vote with Chris to ensure that one of the others go home. This is yet again ANOTHER big move on my part. Im getting worried that people will think that I'm the biggest threat with MORE idols in my hand and doing all the big moves. All I can do is wait. If I keep winning individual immunity like this week then I'm golden.

I think I've had an epiphany and it took talking to Cheatham to figure it out. Apparently I am the vote for tonight, though he wants to do something I've been wanting Cheatham to do in this merge and that is take advantage of the idol system- in doing so he gains a lot of leverage and I felt disppointed that he wasn't optimizing it. Having that said, I think I got a little sad because he told me people feel like I never give a name and truth be told I don't and it is a mistake on my end. I feel like I'm so scared to say a name because it failed miserably for me in the first half of this game and now that I don't do it anymore, people use it as a reason to vote me out. I do feel like its like I can't win with these people, but I want to change as much as I can to give myself a chance

(LATER)

HI am seeing that Austin, Cheatham, and even Vincent legitimately want to work with me and so perhaps I should consider going with them. The question with this vote is how I do I go about it. I've already named Sara because I have the most reason to do her AND I know Austin/Cheatham lowkey wanted her so its a win win for all of us, but it would be interesting to split it if the idol were used on me. Regardless, I just want this to end greatly for me, be that new start to a Chris that has what it will take to make it to the end and win.

I have...lots of questions right now... Am I being voted out tonight? Wouldn't surprise me. Does AnnMarie have a f2 w/ Austin? Cuz I accidentally caught her in something the other day where she told me she knew Austin was asking others for finals. But it might have been an accident because I mentioned that Austin asked for us 2 in a f3 with him....never said f2. Is Cheatham actually high regularly or is it just a figment of his imagination? Why do people get weird and quiet when they're planning a blindside or change loyalties? I literally brought this up to Liam last night a while after results. Gwen/Rizo/Chris did this exact same thing. It's Survivor. Lie and make a move if you have to. I'd respect that a whole lot more. Ignoring people is just shit jury management and I'll totally call Cheatham out at tribal now if I go! At least Vincent gave me an ANSWER! *Giggle* And also...is Austin actually that nice or is it game? Cuz I lit dunno if I'll ever be able to write his name down if that's really his personality. x)

Cheatham wants to invent a situation in which he would play his idol and gain full access to two others. This really feels like a resume padding thing more than a legitimate move out of necessity, because we have the numbers to vote out our target now, and there's no reason that would change any time soon. To me, this solidifies that Cheatham really can't make it to the end, just like Austin. Ideally I want to be able to choose between Liam and Chris because I think I have an ok shot against them both, and it's reasonable for both of them to make it very far. Of course it's the final 8 so it's still way too early to think about the end, but I definitely can't take Austin or Cheatham with me bc they both have a good shot at winning against me.

Sara me and Liam are apparently a strong group so there are plans to usurp our place on the throne! I'm watching a documentary about Queen Elizabeth while writing this. Cheatham apparently wants us gone as well, which hurts. I thought he was with me. I guess not. That is all.

So this round is insane, originally it was gonna be Chris but apparently Cheatham is gonna idol him so we’re having to take out the biggest goat in this game, which is so annoying, but if it must be done to save Sara so I have a shot at making it to the end then so be it. There’s still so much game to play so I need to make the most outta it.

5 votes Kyle (w/ self-vote), 2 votes Sara, 1 vote Chris (negated by idol.)