#maybe ill put some things on queue or not

[corcnaiism]

;-- stuff happening :

im probably gonna take a week on hiatus and come back next week or something. my partner has had a horrible family emergency and is moving out from our place to go stay with her parents for the time being, so ive been helping her with the whole move and other necessities. ima be real honest, im worried for her and her family since im close with them and the news took a toll on both my partner and i, so it's gonna be a stressful, emotional journey for us and i deemed it necessary to take a break from here. in that case, ill still be reachable via discord so feel free to keep me company. we can talk about whatever i dont mind. thank you for your patience and understanding. stay safe and take care.

[backensicangel0647]

after discussing with qpp like philosophers, im thinking very much abt making a ramble blog (to anyone who cares)

(EDIT, twas in my q) @angeldigital92 hey... its here.. if you even care.... /j

[aprilias]

Just for my own documentation (and anyone else’s if they want it) here’s a summary of Thursday at Silverstone. This is going under the cut because while this is a summary, I myself cannot summarise the words lmao.

The basics/area/idk how to describe it:

- Arriving at the track it really feels like more people are here for Thursday than last year (hopefully this continues for the weekend since this is regularly not a well attended race in comparison).

- There was also so many people wearing different merch whereas the last 2 years have been pretty much Marc and Vale. Fabio I think actually looked the most popular this year, but there was a surprising amount of Martin fans.

- The one thing I’m disappointed about is that last year they changed the bit around the fanzone from grass to gravel and it’s the same this year. It makes it a lot more inaccessible and its so difficult to get to the activities and stuff.

- In fact I think they changed the layout way more this year but it was still fine, just weird that they don’t want us touching grass lol.

- The fans as a whole behaved well but there were a few people that were rude, not necessarily towards the riders but towards other fans.

The paddock:

- The paddock opened at 11 but the queue started at like half past 10, but it really didn’t take long to get in so it was fine. It was ridiculously hot though.

- The paddock itself is massive, but for the GP teams its too small unlike the old layout. They’ve had to add a secondary part at the back for some of the smaller teams in Moto2/3 for their hospitality and motor homes.

- They didn’t have anywhere to get drinks in the paddock unlike last year. We wouldve had to leave to get drinks but luckily we bought water and they had refilling stations.

- We wanted to get to the pitlane for the bike reveals and the queue was… well just absolutely ridiculous to put it mildly. We decided to skip it which was sad but we got to watch the reveals on the screen (Yamaha and Pramac won for me and I love Trackhouse’s too).

The auction:

- The auction is so fun. Basically all the riders put something of theirs, for example a knee slider or boots or something, and then people bid (slightly ridiculous) amounts of money for them for the two wheels for life.

- Joe Roberts was brought on stage and he was giving away part of his race winning bike from mugello??? They got 4k for it.

- Jake Dixon was there on stage but he was ill. He brought Summer (his daughter) out on stage and she waved at all of us which was so cute.

- The auctioned a Prosecco bottle that was signed by Johann Zarco, Jack Miller and wait for it…. Pecco Bagnaia. No one else seemed to care how ironic that was but I burst out laughing.

- Johann Zarco talks a lot. By a lot I mean he may as well have presented the auction himself. That’s all I can say about the MotoGP riders that I didn’t know already.

- Actually I just want to say that Fabio seems really shy and reserved but he knows how to work a crowd. The British crowd absolutely love both him and Rins but I genuinely think he’s the best supported rider here, maybe even more than Marc.

- He also did the auction for his boots which was absolutely hilarious. He wanted to buy them himself too but got outbidded 😭

- Also Remy kind of said on stage that it appears he will be doing another year of WSBK with Yamaha!!!!!

- We left early because of the rain but it was so fun, if I had money then I would’ve been bidding on stuff but it was fun regardless.

The riders (and team people i suppose):

- Met the Moto3 baby goats extremely early and David and Collin are both lovely and so polite too.

- Ran into Massimo Rivola. I have a picture with him and he smiled at me when he saw I was wearing Aprilia merch. Also found Pablo Nieto and Frankie Carchedi and said hello to Nadia Padovani.

- My friend saw Somkiat in the motorhome and shouted at him, and he kind of jumped and pointed but he came down for a chat and a photo. Again, he is probably one of the, if not the, nicest person in the whole paddock.

- Found Celestino and again he is so nice but also comes across as really shy. I actually told him he was my favourite out of everyone and he seemed really grateful for it (unless he thought I was crazy which is also possible).

- Saw somebody who I thought was J.A. Rueda but I’m not 100% sure. Also ran into both Senna Agius and Jeremy Alcoba and when I tell you those boys look the same its crazy.

- Saw Albert and had to stop myself from apologising that I jinx him every weekend. Also a great guy it seems and we saw him a few more times after that.

- Not saying it’s necessarily him all the time but it’s two years in a row I’ve had a very negative experience of a certain #1. Never said hello or anything when people said it to him, unlike literally every other rider (yes including Fabio and Marc and any other person you want to try a pull a gotcha card on).

- I need to issue a public apology to Jorge Martin because I saw him on his scooter and shouted “Hola Jorge” from a distance and following that he got swamped. He’s not off the shit list but he was actually a nice guy. I also asked if he could sign anything Aprilia yet (thought I’d ask because i had my pen and cap) and he smiled and said not this time.

- I have had skin-on-skin contact with Fabio (not even out of context: he touched my arm while I was helping him escape on the scooter from a crowd).

- I didn’t see him but my friend did and the good news is for the first time in two years Pedro has arrived at Silverstone not on crutches!!!

- Saw Maverick, Aleix and Enea (who was walking back and forth around Aprilia for some reason). They were down the opposite end to all of us but all smiled and waved. Maverick disappeared somewhere so I’m pretty sure he’s a wizard.

- Found Luca who was lovely again. Also Miguel who said he has given up dentistry now!! Again lovely and stopped for as many as he could, as did Bezz.

- We stopped to get some shade, which conveniently ended up being outside the Yamaha hospitality. Got a picture with Remy and I got thrown off because he was speaking perfect Italian to someone.

- Saw Sarah (Jake’s wife) and we said good luck to him for the weekend, and we asked where he was but she told us he was ill (which you could tell from the auction lol)

- David Muñoz was laughing at everyone queueing for and just sat there on his bike.

- Saw Ai and he was really patient because I could not get the camera to work. Again such a lovely guy and in case anyone was curious: he and Somkiat are still really good friends and Somkiat was riding Ai around on the same scooter so they’re still cool.

- I said it earlier but favourite rider of the day: Tony Arbolino aka loml. I cannot even tell you how nice he is because that deserves a post in itself. He was so happy I had his cap that he thanked me before I could thank him for signing it (his signature is interesting to say the least lmao I put the picture so you be the judge). Also some man offered to take our picture but I didn’t realise and I’m fairly confident it was his manager.

So yeah this was basically my day. If you wanna ask about any other riders cause I saw so many (the ones I’ve mentioned are the ones I have pictures with or of) then feel free to ask but yes 11/10 day, would recommend it to everyone. Hopefully we have a good weekend to follow!

[mechformers]

Could I request spider x gn reader where reader as general anxiety and was human but got put in an avatar body indefinitely because they were dying it traumatised them and sometimes they dissociate a bit because of it and when they get kidnapped they get really anxious and stressed and they stay close to spider but when they get separated they stay closer to quaritch due to him reminding them of spiderthey self sooth by sucking there thumb, if it could just be fluffy please, thank you hope you have a good day/night

Absolutely! Thank you so much for your request <3

I don't know if this is anything close to what you had envisioned when sending your request, but it was so much fun to write. The reader maybe reads a bit more traumatized than what you asked for, but their dynamic with Quaritch was just too good to lose out on, so... <3

You're alright, kiddo...

2074 words

SFW / Platonic Spider & gn!Reader + Quaritch & gn!Reader (blink and you’ll miss it Sider & Quaritch) Tw: gn!Reader, terminal illness before being transferred into an avatar, anxious reader, PTSD, thumb sucking as self-comforting, disassociating, selective mutism, food/eating, Quaritch is soft and kind to the kids (fight me lol)

You didn’t know what hit you when all of a sudden, your queue was grabbed hard and you were pulled backward. The Sully kids and Spider all screamed and hissed as they too were taken, but as you were all forced to your knees, all you could focus on was the huge man that sauntered into the little group, his sneer sending chills down your spine. You try your best to stay quiet, to cooperate, just like Jake Sully had always taught the kids to do, but you could feel yourself slipping. 

“What’s wrong with…” The big man, the Colonel, asked the Na’vi behind you when you started shaking. 

“Them,” Spider barked, fighting the hold on his own hair. 

“Uh-huh…” The Colonel hummed lazily, “What’s wrong with them?”

“They’re afraid, alright, so step away and give them some space already,” Spider sneers back, still fighting his hold. 

“Nice try, kid,” The Colonel huffs before turning his back on you to focus on Lo’ak instead. 

You don’t register what’s being said or what happens. The only thing you know is that it’s getting darker and then, Neytiri calls out to her children. Relief floods you as you realize that you’ll be saved, that you’ll get to sleep in your own nest and be with your own people. The next thing you register is running as loud noises and flashes of light bombard you from all sides. Neytiri and Jake are both shouting, and the Colonel answers them with a cold chuckle. Your hand is grabbed hard as Spider pulls you along from your cowering position by a tree, the undergrowth disappearing quickly as you get to higher ground, seemingly running for your life. There’s a loud noise behind you, a flash of orange light, and then everything goes dark. 

-

“Y/n? Y/n, are you alright?” Spider’s voice calls to you, but your ears are ringing so loudly, you just whine in response. 

This was easily ten times worse than waking up in your new avatar body ever had been. The memory, however, still makes you nauseous. You had never wanted to be transferred into this avatar body, yet, here you were while your own body was somewhere else entirely. Maybe you should have been happy that you got this second chance, but living with the Na’vi, with the scientists, after you were abandoned on Pandora, was anything but easy. You didn’t quite fit into the Na’vi way of life. You were weak, quiet, anxious… Yet, somehow stuck there with them all.

“Hey, Y/n, come on back to me,” Spider urged, making you open your eyes, only to quickly close them again. 

The lights were so bright in the room you were in, the floor cold and rough against your skin. You didn’t know how long you had been out or how much time had passed since you were taken. The only thing you knew was that Neytiri and Jake weren’t here, that this wasn’t home or anywhere close to it. You were sitting below a huge table with Spider, the older boy holding you close as he tried to connect with you. 

“Listen up, kid,” The Colonel hums as he steps into the room, the massive glass doors swishing open and then shut, “The deal is this; we gotta learn how to do this Na’vi stuff. Now, I know you said you won’t betray the Sullys, and I respect that. But I need an answer,”

“What if I don’t have an answer for you?” Spider spits back, the distaste so clear in his voice. 

“Then I gotta give you back to the lab coats,” The Colonel drawls before pinning Spider with a look, “They’re asking for you both this time,” 

“Guess there’s not much of a choice then,” Spider huffs angrily as he crosses his arms above his chest. 

“Guess there ain’t,” The Colonel smiles smugly before mirroring Spider and crossing his own arms over his chest. “So who’s your friend there?”

“They’re one of the orphans from the village,” Spider starts, stepping before you to block the Colonel’s way. “Their body got sick some years ago, so the scientists made them an avatar so that they could survive,”

The Colonel hums before sucking his teeth, his crossed arms shifting his hold before he looks past Spider to where you still sit under the table. His eyes make your skin crawl with the way you feel as if he sees straight through you. The need to be closer to Spider, closer to someone safe, eventually forces you to reach out for the older boy. The end of his tweng is what you grab a hold of, the worn material grounding in its own way as it’s stuck to Spider’s person. 

“You’re scaring them, skxawng,” Spider sighs as he steps closer to the table so that you don’t have to stretch your arms out to him. 

The Colonel stares at Spider for a long while before stepping back and getting down to one knee with a heavy grunt. Resting his arms on his bent knee, he leans forward, eyes looking for yours. They’re sharp and calculating, but to your surprise, they’re filled with curiosity instead of the cruelty you were expecting. 

“You alright there, kiddo?” The Colonel asks, his voice husky. 

“They don’t speak much,” Spider sighs, but the Colonel doesn’t pay him any mind. 

Unable to meet his eyes, you nod your head instead. The way he looks at you is stressing you out, your anxiety levels rising steadily as he stares. Eventually, he gets up on his feet, mumbling something to Spider before the doors swish open and shut again. It doesn’t take long before Spider’s head bends down to look at you too, his smile gentle. 

“Still good, Y/n?” He asks while squatting down to your level. 

“Yeah,” You croak, your throat tight, “Thanks,”

“Don’t know if you heard it, but we’re moving out later,” Spider explains slowly, making sure that each word registers, “He’s getting us some food, are you hungry?”

“I’m starving,” In time with your words, your stomach rumbles loudly, making Spider chuckle as a grin spreads on his face. 

“I guess you are,” Spider hums before getting up again. 

This time though, he takes your hand, squeezing it tightly as he sits on the tabletop. It’s an awkward position to sit in with your hand raised like that, but when he squeezes it, it settles something within you, making your anxiety dissipate somewhat. You don’t notice it when you start drifting, but when you come to again, the Colonel is sitting in the corner by the door as he chats with Spider. The older boy is still holding your hand while he eats with his other. He’s seemingly enjoying the conversation, his face breaking out in a grin as he chuckles at the Colonel. 

“Ah, there they are,” The Colonel hums, his sharp eyes greeting yours when you look up at him, “Brought you some food,” 

The Colonel's eyes turn almost gentle as his eyes drop to the thumb in your mouth, his head tilting curiously as his ears rotate toward you. Immediately, you pull your thumb out, clenching your hand around it as you feel your face heat. The Colonel tuts, his husky voice gentle when he speaks again. 

“It’s alright to suck your thumb, kiddo,” He hums, his eyebrows furrowing in deep thought for a moment. “Does it make you feel better? Safer?”

Nodding your head, you’re unable to see his expression. The Colonel hums gently and just like that, the room falls silent. Spider hands you what surprisingly turns out to be diced yovo fruit and sure enough, when you put the first cube in your mouth, the sweetness of the fruit explodes. Humming with happiness, you chew the cubed fruit until you’re full, eventually daring a low “Thank you, Sir,” which earns you another one of those gentle smiles. 

As far as kidnappings go, you guess this one isn’t the worst. You’re treated well and the recoms, the entire unit, do what they can to protect both Spider and you. It’s probably why it takes you by complete surprise when the angry General pushes the recom unit out on a mission they’re not yet ready to embark on. For the past few months, Spider has been teaching the recom unit the Na’vi way, preparing them for what Pandora had to throw their way once they were alone in the jungle that surrounded the area. Apparently, the General had been fed up with waiting, her angry narrowed eyes demanding results that even you knew wouldn’t come. 

Still, the recom unit obeyed the orders, which was what led you to be in the situation you were now in. Distressed and spiraling, sucking your thumb for comfort, you crouch by the hollow opening of a tree root as the furious thanator the recom unit had stepped upon runs around the area, furiously protecting its territory. In the chaos that erupted when it attacked, Spider lost the hold on your hand, his body being pushed away from yours as the recoms pushed at the two of you to move forward, shouting for you to run, to get away. It hadn’t taken long before you were separated, each one of you spread around the forest as you tried to escape the predator. 

Before you know it, you’re pulled out of your hiding spot, strong, huge arms wrapping tightly around you as you’re gathered up to wrap your legs around a strong waist. Locking your legs behind the recom’s back, you cling to him as if your life depends on it as he takes the both of you through the forest, sprinting further and further away until suddenly, the thanator stops and turns, the intruders - you - out of its territory. Breathing heavily, the recom cups the back of your head, pressing your face into the crook of his shoulder as he comes to a stop. 

“You’re alright, kiddo…” Quaritch rasps, his voice windy as he turns in circles, “You’re alright,”

“Are you hurt?” The question registers, but you’re unable to reply to it, your heart still racing in your chest. 

“Y/n, are you hurt?” Quaritch asks again, this time more gently, but with an underlying urgency. 

When you still can’t reply, he gently peels you off of him, sitting you down on a rock as he checks for injuries. Eventually, when he’s pleased, you’re lifted up into his arms again. Quaritch’s own heart is beating frantically, even through his vest, but that doesn’t stop him from reacting. His first priority seems to be to get you as high up in the air as possible, something that doesn’t come easy when they haven’t trained much on climbing. At least he isn’t wearing the boots anymore, which makes the whole thing a little bit easier. Only when he’s reached the highest branches does he stop to sit down, his long legs spread on each side of the thick branch as he takes a moment to just breathe. 

“Iron Sky, Blue one, actual,” Quaritch rumbles as he presses the device on his neck, “Requesting extraction,” 

You listen as he talks to whoever is on the other side, the hums and grunts rumbling through his chest as you try your best to calm your nerves. A big hand cups your head, gently pressing it to Quaritch’s chest, making you look up into sharp yellow eyes. There’s a soft smile on his lips as he looks down at you before he looks out over the jungle below. There are sounds all around you from smaller animals, birds chirping as they communicate in the neighboring trees, no doubt telling each other about the two Na’vi in their territory. 

Taking a deep breath, you relax your head against Quaritch’s chest before letting it out. Although you know that he’s a bad man, you can’t help but feel safe as his arms hold you protectively against him, making sure that nothing or no one can hurt you. Your feet hurt and you’re tired, sleepy even. Lifting the hand closest to Quaritch to your lips, you gently slip your thumb into your mouth. It’s immediately soothing in a way you have never been able to explain, and when his thumb starts stroking your head where he cups it, it doesn’t take long before your eyes close and then… you sleep safely wrapped up in protective arms.

[arsenicflame]

anyway i got approximately 3 posts of introspections about myself to bother you with im so sorry

i think the lighthearted comments about a mood swing disorder are not so ha ha anymore i think theres genuinely something going on in my brain thats never going to be fixed. like i dont want to come out here and say i have some kind of manic depression but god do i feel like im being taken along for a ride. yesterday i felt like doing anything but laying in bed thinking about how awful everything is was impossible and today im planning projects and putting 50 posts in my queue and maybe vibrating out of my skin a little bit. i dont want to coopt mental illnesses i havent done enough research on but something is wrong. something is seriously wrong and itll never be fixed. i feel out of control of my own emotional state and i dont even really like feeling so Up like this. i would say its better than the low lows but i feel like people are more empathetic to that. i feel like when im like this is when im going to make irreparable messes of things. and either way i know what follows from this is a deep downswing into really bad depression. we can only hope for apathy.

[cxncrie-a]

Honestly. I'm stressed to hell and back. Cutting off that person took a few months of discussion with several people, and I honestly don't feel like anyone believes me. I feel sick on so many levels. Hurt, betrayed, knowing what I do now I just. It hurts. It hurts that someone I trusted just did all these things to me. Maybe I deserved it, I don't know.

I don't care what happens to me, I never do. Fuck me. But anyone else? I can't stand it. It's why I made those apologies that are long overdue. But I don't think any amount of apologizing is ever going to fix that I let a person like that in.

The things I learned today, the fact my boyfriend got doxxed, as well as a close friend of mine of many years, and god knows who else. I feel sick, I feel like throwing up.

I need to take a few days to myself to just .. process everything. To process how much I was lied to, how I was mocked for my mental illnesses, it hurts so much to know that someone felt that way about me. That the fact I have PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and god knows what else, is worth mocking. When I tried to understand their side of mental illnesses too.

God and don't get me started on how bad I feel for the fact I basically invalidated victims of this person. They didn't deserve what they got, and I feel so disgusted at myself for basically enabling her.

The queue will run like normal, but I need some me time. Time to let it all sink in. It's so much to me, much much more than I can put into words.

My discord will be open, but I'm stepping back from tumblr for a few days to a week depending on how I manage. It probably helps I get to see my therapist tomorrow. But I still need some time.

Thank you for understanding. If you're gone by the time I return, it was nice knowing you. For those who stay, I appreciate you.

[bitchwhoyoukiddin]

Ascendance of a Bookworm: Reread.

A person that I lent the first three books to returned them last week. I figured that it had been a couple years since I read the series (up to the point I paused to wait for the final publication), and maybe it was time for a full re-read. So, here are my thoughts and impressions!

Part 1, Volume 1-3

First thing out the gate, Urano is autistic. Period. That level of hyperfixation combined with actual emotional pain from being held back from said hyperfixation is vanishingly uncommon in people not diagnosed with autism. Yes, there are some conditions with comorbidities, but FUCK. Add in the inability to pick up on or parse social queues unless motivated by a.) danger or b.) hyperfixation?

That said, I kind of love how the arc of the first part (literally part 1, volumes 1-3) is basically getting Urano as Myne to understand how she doesn't actually have the option of Not Dealing With Shit. Urano/Myne (because in p1v1, she still IS Urano - the whole identity thing is a trip in the rest of the series) doesn't have the option to prioritize and run her life in an entitled way in this world. Hell, Urano notes contrasts between her new life and old one constantly for the first volume. And that's part of the arc!

I think something we don't really get enough of later in the series (or that isn't as emphasized, the author just expects us to remember) is how frail Myne's body actually is. Urano makes the point several times that something she wouldn't even think about doing (physically) in her original body is well beyond her reach in Myne. And she also points out that she wasn't really in all that great a physical shape as Urano (disinterested in exercise versus actual chronic illness).

Anywhoozle, I am glad I started this reread because there were definitely bits I missed. The Shumils being intro'd so early, how absolutely spoiled and entitled Urano is when she arrives, then how long it takes for Myne to even get to a place of baseline physical health, and how hard a time Urano/Myne has with accepting how out of left field her new world is in comparison of the old.

I think one of this series' strengths is how much thought is put into the world Myne journeys into. It is vastly different in culture, cultural mores and standards, and fundamental geographic basics than Earth/Japan.

It works really well to have the first three parts building the platform that the main plot explodes off of, and I'm really enjoying the revisit.

That said, there's definitely some Japanese/Western language and concept conflicts that have been tripping me up. Myne's repeated use of "clenches fist for resolve" and how absolutely fucked up she was in her initial wake up/being taken care of physically by her family. Yeah, a bit of that is that she is an adult in a child's body, but her crying for days when someone else physically takes care of her needs? Like. Girl. Come on.

I will also own that I get really frustrated with how one-track mind she's written. It's the correct character choice! Urano/Myne IS that way! It's important to the story and a (frustrating) driving force in the future storytelling. But Christ on a llama, girl, you fucked yourself by losing your goddamn mind about even the hint of a library. You might be in the body of a child, but you are a 23yo woman, get a grip.

I'll also note that I'd forgotten how honestly kind (in retrospect?) Ferdinand is to Myne when they meet. And sure, a good chunk of how he treats her later is strangely predicated on the amount of respect for her capability and potential that he sees in her. He knows she can do shit, but has weird priorities, and doesn't mollycoddle her. Hell, she doesn't deserve it. Because, and I stress this, she is a goddamn adult. An inexperienced, naive, and out-of-her-depth one, but still. Like, the framework of parts 1-3 is basically forcing a coming-of-age montage on Urano/Myne, and having re-read this part, I'm reminded why.

[alltflyter]

I've been thinking about the pandemic today.

I think this was maybe November or December 2020. I was working two jobs at the time: in the preschools and in an elderly home. Every surface needed to be sanitized, all the time. I reeked of alcohol, all the time. The skin on my hands was dry and cracking, all the time.

The preschools had a zero tolerance policy for symptoms in the kids and enforcing it was a sisyphean task.

This particular time I was alone for most of the day at the preschool-unit. Two of my co-workers had symptoms and there simply weren't enough of us stand-ins to fill their spots, so I was in charge of about ten kids by myself. Wash, sanitize. Once again, one of them was clearly ill: the little fellow was coughing miserably. I had to call his dad and ask him to pick him up. Did you know that phones are one of the most unsanitary surfaces you will come into contact with on any given day? Wash, sanitize.

He arrived angry, arguing. He couldn't afford this, he had a job to take care of. I wasn't patient enough. I couldn't extend my sympathy to him, I had ten kids to take care of. I said something passive aggressive. He yelled at me, really startled me, his kid, and a couple of the other children. Then he started crying and apologized. He comforted his kid, I comforted mine, and we sat there for a while on a bench in the cloakroom. I apologized, he left. I washed my hands again.

After my day at the preschool was over I had just about enough time to buy and eat dinner. Wash, sanitize. I stood in the queue, mask on of course, two metres apart. It was hot inside, I was still covered in my winter outerwear, sweating. The cashier scanned my dinner. Don't know if I remember exactly what it was, probably a sallad of some kind. As I walked out of the store, my phone rang. Trying to pick it up from my bag I stopped abruptly. Somebody walked into me, apologized, and walked past. I thought: what if I just disabled her for life? What if I just murdered her mom? I let my grandmother's call ring out and go to voicemail. Sanitize, wash my hands, sanitize. Then I ate my sallad.

I came to the elderly home for the night shift. Wash, sanitize, new mask, screen, gloves, wash, sanitize. I can't remember who died but I remember my colleague telling me. What if I forgot a wash at some point? What if I killed them? Please, please oh God, wash my hands. There was a terror in that house, all the residents were scared to catch it. They were lonely, too, even if most were impressively stoic about it. Told me all about how they hadn't seen their children or grandchildren since March, how the only human touch they had received for nearly a year was that of plastic gloves, how they couldn't even remember all the friends they had lost in that time. They were right to be afraid. According to a nurse who had been working there for a year, about a third of the residents had died since she started. I finished my shift, a thousand hand washes later.

I was on the bus, scrolling on the news app on my phone. The prime minister had said something strange again, can't recall what. Publicly, he had abandoned herd immunity, but practically this was still government policy at the time. A controlled spread. I put my headphones on to listen to the pundits and expert commentators. Lockdowns were a foreign exoticism, you see. An authoritarian state overreach, one of them explained; a counterproductive overreaction, another added. The only sensible thing, of course, was to sacrifice at the altar of capital as many vulnerable people as it took to appease that greedy god. That's nothing but common sense, all agreed, anything else would be alarmism or hysteria. I tucked my phone away. Sanitize, press stop, sanitize, hop off, sanitize.

I came home and went straight for the shower. I didn't dare look down, I was afraid that something red might be circling the drain. My husband woke an hour later and found me sitting naked on the edge of the tub. I couldn't tell him about work. I just asked him to please, oh God please wash me.

[squadrah]

Any way we could get a comprehensive list of all the conditions, allergies etc. that you HC Melone with? Your characterization of Mel is my absolute favorite!!

First, thank you for the kind words, I'm very happy you like my characterization so much! <3

Your ask made me realize that I actually had something from my CuriousCat, so I will put that whole thing here! I also found some other drafts of mine that hinted at Melone stuff, so I will look those over and add anything that isn't here (and after that I will hopefully also finish up and queue those drafts just to stay on topic!)

From My CuriousCat

"What are all your medical HCs for Melone?"

The first time I discussed Melone's potential health issues was when I listed some conditions for him in my La Squadra headcanon/drawing meme, the full version of which is here. For this post I'll include my original portrait of Melone separately since it demonstrates some of what I'll be talking about:

(For the meme, I listed the following conditions: comorbidities, amblyopia, allergies.)

Originally I didn't think a lot about medical conditions, but after listening to some friends talk about potential clues to Melone having poor health (his mask hinting at eye problems, the fact that his Stand works remotely so he doesn't have to engage his targets directly, and even things like his stiff gait in the now-defunct JoJo's Pitter Patter Pop mobile game), I decided that this reading of Melone made sense, and started thinking more about it. That said, since I'm not chronically ill and have little experience with chronic illness in my everyday life, I can only talk in vague terms.

As mentioned above, I had amblyopia listed in the drawing meme, meaning one "lazy" eye that Melone might also be mostly blind in. I've seen others say that his covered eye could be an implant, which is also interesting! In the end I went with amblyopia for the aesthetic.

By comorbidities, I was thinking an autoimmune disorder and some comorbid conditions exacerbating it and causing symptoms like joint pain, chronic pain, or insomnia. My portrait shows Melone with vitiligo both as an aesthetic choice (adding even more visual interest, which makes his portrait one of my all-time favorites I've done) and as a way of reflecting this condition, and an added motive was that I just feel like these little things make a difference and might make people with vitiligo feel more seen. Basically Melone is usually in mild to moderate pain, and on his bad days, it gets progressively worse, so he takes a lot of medication and indulges in hot baths. I would also add in retrospect that I could see him having occasional seizures, which tend to land him in the ER from time to time - along with stuff like minor accidents, having alcohol too soon after taking medication, or allergy flare-ups.

Speaking of allergies, my headcanon came from talking to a friend and joking about Melone figuring out through trial and error what he can and cannot have. Lactose intolerance is definitely among those in my land, so Melone has to take his lactaid if he wants a milkshake. Other allergies that I can remember later thinking about were to gluten, possibly sea food, and maybe even stuff like latex.

I didn't go into more detail in the original draft because it sometimes makes me feel sad to think about these things (and as I am editing this, the sentiment holds true), but because of Melone's general design and Stand design, these do make sense to me and honestly, it also helps to flesh out other aspects of his character. Thinking about potential medical conditions for him led to my absolute favorite headcanon for Melone, which is him taking ER selfies of himself and with friends, so for every trip to the emergency room, he has a few photos of himself flashing a victory sign while hooked on an IV, etc. It's funny and eccentric but also heartwarming and heartbreaking in a way: he is just making the most out of his condition and he has friends to help him and make the journey feel less harrowing.

I hope this answers your question, and thank you again for your kind words! It always makes me so happy when people enjoy my version of the characters! <3

[valorantusernames]

UPDATE HI JHSSKLHJDD SORRY GUYS 

i’ve been off of social media for a hot second because honestly it just makes me feel better and happier. i’ve also started summer college classes which has caused a lot of anxiety on top of other stressors and how my brain handles things like that but i do see people for it and theyre very helpful so!

ive been playing valo again too so hopefully ill put some stuff in queue and maybe ill add an admin or two, probably a couple of my friends.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Thursday

So yeah, no, Thursdays are still a thing I have not got the hang of. Or maybe they just have it in for me, I dunno.

Slid on over to my work laptop to start the workday, finally got everything booted up and logged in etc (it always takes half past for-fucking-ever) ... and noticed that despite us not being very badly off yesterday, the typing queue was in a bit of a state. In fact, it appeared as though the queue hadn’t been touched since I logged off yesterday.

Then I checked my email. Had one from Scruffman, saying, “Yeah, if you were wondering why the typing queue’s insane, it’s because it’s only me, [Milady], and [this one other person who only really does filing] in today because illness, annual leave, and emergency leave. Nearly asked you to come in today but figured there was no point since we leave at the same time anyway. Sorry!”

I mean, dodged a bullet on the having to go into the office thing. Because seriously, no one who does any kind of typing is in today apart from me (for varying levels of ‘in’, obviously), so the last thing you can afford to do is put me in a position where I will be less productive. And I would be less productive at the office, owing to fewer microbreaks, worse chair, and ergonomics made of bullshit and baling wire. But still. No one typing but me and occasionally Milady if she had a minute. And she didn’t have a lot of minutes, obviously, because no one else being in.

So guess who got the entire typing queue all to themselves?

I managed to clear all of yesterday’s typing (everything from a little past 10am to just about 6pm; easily a hundred reports). I pushed too hard doing it, and I had to run a little over time to get the last few, but I got it done. This left me with five reports from this one woman who ... okay, her accent isn’t that bad. ...Okay, it is, but I’ve dealt with worse. It’s more that her voice is exceptionally high-pitched, and always ends on a rising note that effectively devolves into a squeak. Which it would appear is a migraine trigger; lucky me. Also had a couple of gentlemen whose accents I’m more or less used to but insist on talking with their mouths right up to the microphone - rather shitty microphones at that - so that you get the wonderful double act of “this is way to loud” and “you sound like you’re talking through a sock”. One of the newbies has not figured out how to use a foot pedal and her dictation breaks up in some really messy ways, and I dread the day it happens and she loses measurements or specimen descriptions or something I can’t fake. Not because I have any problems sending her an email letting her know that she cut shit out of a dictation (I have to do that at least twice a day anyway, because even the old hands apparently can’t figure out how the fucking foot pedal works), but because ... well, I figured it’d be good to know her email address for the inevitable moment when she does lose something I can’t fake, and it turns out she doesn’t fucking have one. I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised; she borrows everyone else’s logins for dictation so why the hell not just coast through the place like a ghost with no form of contact whatsoever? That’s not even going into the guy who yells and refuses to listen to me when I tell him, for the eighth time, that I need the number of specimens per block even if it is on another system because someone who needs to know this might not have access to that other system and it’s also a way to check for discrepancies!

So it’s been a hard day. I’d say things will probably go back to normal tomorrow but given sick leave and emergency leave, I have my doubts. Those things often take multiple days to resolve. And on top of that, next week is when my new extended hours start. Honestly, that’s probably for the best because I can not push as hard and still get more done than I was getting before. Also I have drafted an email to Scruffman flagging up yet again Temp’s tendency to cherry-pick the typing, which I will send the next time she’s really blatant about it. Generally I understand that she’s the one doing the long ones when I’m not there and leaving the ones I’m there for to me is a way to achieve balance, but since I’ll be working longer hours, the balance is going to change, and if I’m having to spend six or six and a half hours dealing with Ms Squeaky, Mr Choked-By-Sock, the one guy who averages ten minute dictations, every single fucking placenta report with its bits of fiddly, and all the rest of the stuff that I understand that no one wants to do because I hate them as much as anybody else ... well, no. No, that can’t keep happening. I’ve done everything. I’ve given Temp all my little snippets where you can just type in a code and have a full report there with only the measurements / weights and a few details needing to be changed a bit. I’ve offered to discuss it if there’s people she struggles to type for so that we can find a working balance. All I get is “Don’t stress about it” and I am fed up. But obviously not something you send until there’s something to point at and say, “Look. You do not get more blatant than this. I know she just goes back to cherry-picking every single time you take her to task about this, but something needs to be done to make her take these things in chronological order like the rest of us do”.

As you can probably tell, I’m not in a great mood. Doesn’t help that I didn’t have much time for breaks and food was “most of a bag of Doritos stuffed into my mouth between reports”. I’m going to relax, have a cookie, and later on I will make my chicken adobo. The chicken’s been marinading since last night so I’m hoping for good things.

[valancedbreakfast]

At the time of writing this, I still don't really get it I think. I read through lots of other reblogs to hope to glean some context.

I think I understand at least a bit better, but I'm still stuck on some things. It feels a bit like it's saying it doesn't matter the source of one's symptoms. But that feels counter to "treat the cause not the symptom" which maybe I'm just assuming is the right thing.

Within my own symptoms that could be considered autism, I've mostly just found ways to treat them or even the situations that lead to those symptoms. Practicing better selfcare helps a lot. But 1) I struggled to develop those care methods before I had linked them to autism and it was only after learning about autism that I began to better grasp how to help myself, and 2) there isn't really anything else I CAN do. My brain just works this way. There isn't a pill I can take.

One of the reblogs compared this the OP thinking to queer labels. Finding a label can feel liberating, but attempting to use the most accurate labels to put yourself in a box isn't healthy. That I agree with, and if that's what the OP means then I think I understand that better. But I can't tell if that's the whole message.

It could also be that this post just isn't really about me. Maybe it's speaking more about "psychological/behavioral disorders" that society sees as the Bad People Mental Illnesses. I can't tell.

I was originally gonna just queue this for another six months to stew on it, but I think I need external assistance. Can folks who are reading this and got something out of it please explain in simple terms. I just feel like I'm missing something basic about the meaning of this.

depathologizing your own responses to things means no longer worrying about which symptom matches which diagnosis matches which branded treatment model and instead practicing gentle non-judgmental curiosity about what you’re going through from the perspective of someone who wants to fulfill one of the most basic and primal needs for you which is the sensation of being seen and heard

[plants-and-the-bees]

Stupid rant over basically nothing under the cut

I feel like my friends just like. Naturally dislike me. And like i make jokes about it with them i try to act like it doesnt bother me but fuck it hurts sometimes. It hurts to know that they just like… dont care what i like. What i have to say. They dont TRUST the things that i like

I cant show them songs i enjoy unless i know for a fact at least one of them likes it as well because im too scared that theyll make fun of me and the music i enjoy. I dont tell them about the things i like anymore because i know they wont want to hear about it. The most ill say is “oh this reminds me of this thing” and even just THAT gets them annoyed

One of them suggested that we do the whole powerpoint presentation night where everyone just gets to infodump about something they like. I dont know what to pick. I dont know what they wont make fun of. I dont know what wont just make them get annoyed and desperately wait for my turn to be over.

Its fine for me to like things. Its not fine for me to love things. Because the second i try to start infodumping about it or sharing it or recommending it im annoying. Im too much. Because its all cringe shit that they dont care about. Why the fuck is a dnd podcast too cringey for my friends WHO I PLAY DND WITH??? One of them did listen to bitb!! And she LIKED IT!!!! Not as much as i did obviously but she did still enjoy it! And still. Still thats not good enough.

Why is it that me trying to recommend it to another friend i feel like im defending myself. Why is the best defense not “its horror and you love horror and theres so many interesting themes and genuinely well made twists that add to the story and it just seems like youd enjoy it” but “our other friend liked it and you trust her opinion more than mine”. Why. Why is it that the second I recommend something it becomes bad and cringey and not worthwhile unless someone else is also vouching for it

Im being fucking sensitive. Its not that deep. Ive gotten some of my friends to like the same things as me (years ago it was genuine fucking years ago the last time that happened) and now i just. I dont try. I dont want to. I dont WANT TO try and get someone to like something i do or even just TALK ABOUT IT for a few minutes only to be rejected again and again. I cant fucking handle it.

And i know i should tell them about this. That im genuinely scared to show them things anymore because i feel like all of my likes and interests are somehow inferior to theirs. Maybe im just too annoying about them. I dont know when to shut up. Maybe theyre all just objectively bad. I dont know. But. It hurts. And i should tell them. But i cant because im so fucking scared to. Im scared that theyll get upset or theyll dismiss it or theyll just keep going. Or that they do listen and try to be more open minded towards my interests but theyll resent me for being too much and too annoying again

Sometimes i wonder if theyve noticed. That i dont exactly infodump about things anymore. When was the last time i put a song in the queue during one of our hangouts that one of them hadnt shown me? Maybe ill make the powerpoint presentation about slay the princess or something. One of my friends watched a playthrough of it on her own. Maybe shell be willing to vouch for it being good.

[show-us-kaidenshenandoah]

ill eventually make a proper, pretty intro-post

but hello, hi, i am Kaiden-Shenandoah Knapp

also, yes, Kaiden-Shenandoah is my first name. the hyphen is optional, but you still have to type/say the whole thing. no, you may not call me "Kaiden". yes, i am aware it is a mouthful lol

(probably gonna change my surname is "Knapped" in a few years. i wanna distance myself from some shitty family while making the Indigeneity in my surname more apparent. dont be surprised when that happens. im just putting it off bc i got a lot on my plate rn lol)

(also if you knew me as "Kayleen", hi, hello, i no longer go by that childhood nickname. it is retired, wave goodbye, better to have loved and lost and all that)

this is my messily mindless "welcome to my head" blog, we do things very casually here. im making it my new Main (as of 24 March 2024). my professional/art blog is @kaidenshenandoahknapp

but the real point of this post is: i am not a bot lol

and also, stuff is on a queue (until i do a mass-reblog binge but, typically, i am on queue)

everything in my queue is now 2 post per 24 hours (as of: 20 April 2024)

ive been on tumblr before, but since this is a new Main, im just going through my favorite content-creation blogs i know and mass-queueing loads of the op's projects. (if you are one of those said blogs and find this nth new notes a day from me annoying, please let me know; and i will just spam them all to Post Now so i can get out of your hair asap) i'm also just not good at regularly keeping up with creators' new stuff week-by-week, so instead i generally mass-queue because i assume mass-reblogging is a bit more overwhelming, idk, maybe im just overthinking lol

tags guide: (mostly for me, ngl lol i need reminders of what i tag what when i do my mass-queues)

#me - me posting something

#relatable - "omg that is so me" at someone else's post

#aesthetic - me just really liking the vibes, which sometimes just also happens to be pretty to look at lmao

#canines wolves and werewolves i love - i know what i am about. ill probably have more "niche My Special Interest tags" as i find posts that fit them

#nutty nutcrackers / #the nutcracker - another Special Interest tag. pretty self-explanatory, i like The Nutcracker a lot lmao

#betty boop - you would think this belongs with fandom tags, but no. part of why i am obsessed with her (and have been since i was, like, 14) is because she was the popularization of the very next tag's trend

#infantalization in animation - it's when you apply baby facial proportions to an adult bodied character, it's most often done in female characters. i'll be using this tag outside of animated stuff btw. but yeah, anything that examines that visual design choice i am all 👀 over lmao

#other people's art - any individual person, not counting final version of studio work (like ill tag "Lilo and Stitch"'s exploratory concept art with this, sure, but i wont tag stills of the "Lilo and Stitch" film)

↳ #animal art

↳ #background art

↳ #oc art - is all "my original character in a canon piece" kind of ocs, not the "my original character in my original story" type

↳ there are also specifically listed artists here and there if they have influenced me/my style in the past or recently (such as but not limited to: #rvsa). almost all of them are indies with social media (aka: no Van Gogh, no Hayao Miyazaki. if they have their own fandom, i tag said fandom and not the specific artist, usually. it depends. there are some gray areas)

#brushes - the (digital) brushes people i like use

#art tips

#writing tips - is about actually doing the practice

#on writing - is the philsophy about the practice

#[insert fandom here]

#[insert fandom here] analysis

(here are the tags i chose for some fandoms that had multiple possible tags. this is not all of my fandom tags)

● #studio ghibli, #[insert studio ghibli title here] (i tag both the movie itself and studio. because sometimes i want something from the original movie, so i go into those tags; and i also go to the studio to look at overarching things since the studio has such a strong overall aesthetic/visual brand)

● #[insert disney title] (here, i do tag the specific movies and i dont just use the studio. because im usually looking for specific things this one disney movie has)

● #moomin (as opposed to "moominvalley", "tales of moominvalley", or the like)

● #my hero academia (so many different options for one work)

● #trigun (so many different branching creations from one source lmao im just gonna lump them together)

● #into the spiderverse (i dont use "across the spiderverse" for simplicity's sake, and i don't use the hyphen/space between "spider(-)verse" also for simplicity. its easier for me to be consistent if i just go "nah, its all one word")

● #marvel comics (i do not tag the mcu specifically)

● #dc comics, #batman (i tag both. but i dont tag any other dc comics property. i just know im esp obsessed with the batfam enough that, sure, they should get their own tag)

[minheeskitten]

i didn’t realize you were using a queue !! but i also only just arrived dhjdbekfh. i do agree with 🩷 that a queue tag may be handy :0 though mayhaps a thing you add to future additions to the queue rather than going back to add it……?

also 🩷’s last ask made me exponentially worse but it made gears start turning for planning new art so…! maybe being horny abt vampires was just what i needed so sending my thanks in advance :D —☕️

Yep ive been using a queue haha! I probably will try to go back and add it to some every now and then but as a general.rule if it isn't an ask its probably queued. Ill figure out what tag i want to use for that soon! But it may not start showing up for a few weeks or so.

Haha when you do come up with an art piece i would ADORE seeing it! Im not certain if you can put images in anon asks though.. So we can find out!

[copiicat]

tags masterpost!! ♡

#abt.txt: general info for the blog! stuff like my pinned post, this post, basically just info about myself. maybe ill put some stuff that relates to me a lot in there but furr the most part its gonna be serious stuff #cause i queue whatever i want to!: queue tag :3 might change it at some point though idrk #personal.txt: personal posts i make!! theyre not gonna necessarily be like PERSONAL personal its just gonna be like... anything i post that relates to my life. so like any of my little petty rants or anything that isnt like some media thing basically #folder > id: so this is where im gonna put the stuff that i look at and go "omg shes so mecore" which could be characters but also just posts that i see and go hahaha i do that to. but tbh its mostly just cute art of mimi superpapermario that i find #folder > faves: stuff that i REALLY like enough that i think i might wanna come back and see it specifically later!! this is mostly gonna end up being silly stuff that might not otherwise get tagged because with anything relating to media if i wanna see it again ill just look in the tag for the media or the character tag #saving this: stuff im saving because i wanna check it out later! like a post about an interesting show or game or smth or just like some good advice maybe?? but idk i dont rlly plan on rbing a lot of advice stuff any media is gonna be tagged for the source but not the characters cuz thats just kinda annoying to do actually :p