#maybe i'll make a playlist of some sort

[viktoropalmoon]

viktor is currently listening to: 나 어떡해 by nrg

[nyhne]

..

[eggmeralda]

I wish there was a way you could put like. every song in the world on shuffle

[livingdeaddoctor]

me when i don't miss her because we're exes but i miss her because we're friends and i never hear from her anymore !!

[mouseymilkovich]

Speechless | Carmy x Reader | Chapter Four

previous chapter | masterlist | playlist | pinterest board | next chapter

Chapter Summary: You find yourself once again volunteering at The Beef while Carmy and Richie cater a party for Cicero, you make more connections with The Beef staff, but you miss him. Sydney is suspicious that something is up with you, big time, it's becoming increasingly difficult to hide things from her. What the hell have you gotten yourself into? | Carmy Berzatto x fem/afab reader (using they/them pronouns)

Content Tags: the "incident" from s01e04 (xanax mentioned multiple times), secret relationship/fwb, smut btc, unprotected sex, pregnancy worry + mentions of plan B pill

Important Info: the usual, when texting pink = reader, green = Sydney, blue = Carmy!

Chapter Four: I Just Wanna Know You Better

Word Count: 2.1k

A/N: did i basically just post chapter 3? yes. do i care? no! enjoy chapter 4 <3 on a serious note, thank you for showing this fic so much love, i'm genuinely enjoying writing it and so ready to surprise you guys with what's to come!

You'd been invited back to help out at The Beef once more - but not because they were swamped, because Carmy and Richie were catering a kid's birthday party. So, you wouldn't get to see Carmy this time... though, maybe that would help you keep your cool around Sydney.

"I'm assuming I'll just be on register again?" You asked curiously as you put your things in the locker beside Sydney's.

"Yeah, you already have the experience there so that might be the best way to go." Syd agreed, patting you on the back. "Just hang around while we do prep."

"Oh! Speaking of prep, I brought the recipe booklet I made for Marcus. Should I just put it in his locker?" You asked.

"Yeah, he's been too busy trying to perfect donuts lately." Syd muttered with a soft laugh. She pointed out Marcus's locker to you, and you slipped the booklet in for him to find later.

Carmy and Richie had already gone by this point, so you just tried to stay out of the way of the kitchen staff while you had nothing else to do. Ebra was making family today, so you thought about maybe giving him a hand if he needed it. Of course, when you offered your help, he eagerly responded.

"I accept!" He said, then directed you on what he needed.

You really thought Ebra was sweet, he sort of reminded you of a grandfather in a way.

Everyone got seated for family, excited to indulge in the meal Ebra had prepared. He was an excellent chef too, he didn't have any formal culinary school training, but that didn't seem to matter, he was talented regardless. You were still somewhat hanging around, out of the way for a moment while everyone sat.

You looked down when you felt your phone buzz - and surprised to see it was Carmy.

you are never gonna believe what just happened

what??

You cracked a smile, wondering what could've possibly happened to make him text you amidst his catering job.

dropped richie's xanax in the fucking ecto-cooler and all the kids are passed out on the lawn

WHAT?????

You had to stifle a laugh, going into the bathroom to hide for a moment to keep talking to Carmy.

okay how the fuck did that even happen??

i have no idea. at least all the kids are fuckin quiet i guess?

yeah i guess lol

i should've brought you with me instead of richie. he's trying to fight uncle at every turn

is that your way of saying you miss me?

maybe

You smiled a little, letting out a soft sigh. Sure, your little... whatever this was, with Carmy, was a secret... but, you enjoyed it. Him. His company. Though, not telling Sydney was killing you.

okay i gotta go, family's up. you're missing out tho, ebra made a killer stew

damn. save some for me?

if there's any left haha

So, you left the bathroom, and immediately jumped to find Sydney waiting by the door.

"You've been awfully smiley today, what's going on with you?" She asked with a soft laugh. "I haven't seen you like this since you were with... what the fuck was his name again?"

"Oh my god, shut up. I just read something funny while I was going pee." You lied. Sydney knew you better than that, but obviously whatever it was, you didn't wanna talk about it, so she wasn't gonna push.

"Alright, well, family's up, let's go!" She told you, bringing you to the dining room where Ebra's stew was dished out for everybody.

"Out of curiosity, um, are we saving any for Carmy?" You asked. "And Richie- I'm sure they'd both love to try this."

Smooth, real smooth.

"I think I will." Ebra nodded, bringing what was left in the pot back to the kitchen to set aside for Carmy and Richie later.

The meal was delicious, and Marcus surprised everyone with a batch of donuts he'd finished.

"Dude, these are fuckin' killer. Seriously, you've got talent." You praised, smiling at Marcus brightly.

"Thank you, I've been working really hard, I kinda wanna make a special donut for The Beef - like a signature donut, if that makes sense?" Marcus told you with a light laugh.

"Totally. Thank sounds awesome. I'd love to taste test sometime." You said happily, patting Marcus' shoulder.

You helped clean up afterwards - normally, this would be the time you'd leave The Beef, but you were on register duty today. For some reason, you were both more nervous and less nervous without Carmy around. On one hand, if you messed up, he wouldn't be around to see it, but on the other hand, there were less staff on duty today, including no Richie to help you.

But, you had to toughen up, it was time to open.

During the entire first part of service, your mind kept drifting back to Carmy. Was he having a good time catering? How did Cicero react to the accidental drugging of all the children? Was Richie still on him about the desk?

"Hello? Dingus, I said go for your break." Sydney snapped you right out of your thoughts. Fuck.

"Sorry, spaced out. Thanks." You smiled, then slipped out to the alley.

You heard Syd audibly sigh as you walked away, and she mumbled something that you didn't quite catch... there was no way she wasn't somewhat onto you.

It was lonesome. The setting sun, the chill of the autumn air, and the absence of Carmy's secondhand smoke, it all made your body feel cold. You wondered if you could worm your way into spending the night with Carmy... you shouldn't, you knew that. There was no way you could get away with that and Syd not finding out. If you were too excited for Carmy's return after catering the party, Sydney would 100% know something was up between you two.

You sighed, and headed back inside.

Thankfully, it wasn't too ridiculously busy the rest of the night. Just after closing, Carmy and Richie came back and unpacked the car. You took it upon yourself to reheat the stew that Ebra had left for both of them.

"Here y'go, boys." You smiled, setting the dishes in front of them. "Ebra made some incredible shit. You're lucky you're getting any, Manny and Angel almost downed yours."

Carmy and Richie both laughed before they dug in, and you sat down at the table. You tried not to let your gaze linger on Carmy, especially as Sydney and Marcus joined you at the table.

"So how'd it go?" Syd asked curiously.

"Accidentally drugged a buncha kids. Xanax in the ecto-cooler." Richie said casually between mouthfuls of stew.

You stifled a giggle while Syd and Marcus looked absolutely horrified. Syd looked at you, almost as if to say, you find this fucking funny?

"They're all fine, don' worry." Carmy reassured, noticing the mortified looks on their faces across the table. He couldn't hide a smile though, from seeing you laughing.

Syd glanced at Carmy, then back at you. She nudged you, making you jump a little.

"What's up?" You asked.

"You and Carmy speaking telepathically or something?" Syd asked with a bit of a laugh, genuinely wondering what in the hell was going on.

You laughed a little - you tried not to sound nervous, but fuck, of course Sydney knew something was up. She knew you better than that.

"Of course not! I just thought it was funny, cus like... how does that even happen, yknow?" You responded. Suddenly you could hear your heartbeat in your ears, you felt your palms getting a little sweaty - something, something, mom's spaghetti.

Syd was just barely buying it, that much was apparent.

"Well! I should probably... go home." You nodded, getting up quickly and going to get your things from your locker. Before anybody had a chance to say anything else, you left, calling out, "G'night everyone!"

Jesus fucking Christ, that was too close. You were truly caught between a rock and a hard place at this point, because what the hell were you supposed to do? Stop seeing Carmy? No. Tell Sydney? Also no.

As you got back to your apartment and crashed onto your couch, you noticed a text from a few minutes ago that you'd missed. Well, two. One from Sydney...

are you okay?? i'm kinda worried about you, you've been acting weird lately

And one from Carmy.

i missed you today. bummed you turned tail and left so early.

Fucking... shit! Okay. You inhaled a deep breath, messaging back Sydney first. You could do this - you could do this.

i'm okay, i promise!! you have nothing to worry about

You weren't okay. You were lying to her about so many things. Crushing on Carmy, sleeping with him, (barely) getting to know him... that was her fucking boss, and you being her best friend, you were worried this could potentially jeopardize her career.

But, for a moment you shoved that down to answer Carmy.

i missed you too haha...

wanna come over?

yes.

Before you knew it, you were sending Carmy your address. What were you doing?

There was no going back now though, the knock on your door told you as much. And there he was. The moment you opened up the door, your lips locked, and your fate was sealed.

You two definitely weren't going to make it to your bedroom, you hardly even made it to your couch. Carmy sat and greedily pulled you into his lap. It amazed you how needy he was when you were alone in comparison to how aloof and independent he was at The Beef. Though, it was a side of him you enjoyed, there was no doubt about that.

A sigh fell from your lips as Carmy kissed at your neck, your hands slid up his white t-shirt and caressed his abs. Fuck.

"You're s'fuckin' pretty." He muttered against your skin. "Want you t'ride me, pretty girl."

You whined softly at his words. How could you possibly say no? You reluctantly got off his lap moment so you could both strip, but the second you were both free of your bottoms, you were back straddling his lap and lining yourself up over his hard cock.

"Fuck..." Carmy breathed out as you sank down onto him, the familiar warmth of your walls around him.

Your head tilted back as you rocked your hips, the angle had your head spinning. His tatted up hands held your hips to help you, but his mouth latched onto one of your tits. He marked up your skin, and had you sobbing out his name between his dick being deep inside you and him sucking on your nipples.

"Carm- fuck- 'm close!" You whined, then bit your lip harshly.

"Fuck, me too, feels s'good-" He moaned into your flesh.

Seconds after you squeezed around him and came, he followed, filling you up. The realization hit you that this time there was no condom... but frankly, you were too blissed out to worry about that right now. You'd worry about a plan B pill in the morning.

You went with Carmy to your bedroom, so you didn't just fall asleep on the couch. Carmy laid back and, to his surprise, you cuddled up to him.

"G'night, Carm." You muttered softly.

"Night."

In the early morning, you felt Carmy sneak out of bed so he could go for early prep at The Beef. You weren't too offended, you knew he was an early riser. Plus... he left you a little note.

"Thanks for a nice night, definitely needed it. Text me when you get up?

-Carm"

It was such a simple note - why did it make you fucking swoon?

But, before you sent a text to Carmy, you remembered you needed to run to the nearest pharmacy ASAP for a plan B. You started to get ready, and went to text Carmy, but a text from Sydney appeared first.

hey!! i don't have to go in til later, do you wanna grab some breakfast?

sounds nice! text me where you wanna meet

You smiled a little, it'd been a bit since you'd gone out for breakfast with Sydney. All you had to do was act like you didn't just have Carmy fucking your brains out a few hours prior.

On your way to the pharmacy, you finally texted Carmy.

hey, i'm up and headed to meet syd for breakfast :) i'll text you later tho, maybe come with her before she starts for the day

You sighed a little to yourself, hoping you weren't sounding too desperate. You also hoped Syd wouldn't think you wanting to join her on her way to work was suspicious.

This was going to be a long fucking day.

⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆

tags ; @maggiesarchives @carmenberzattosgf

wanna be tagged in any future speechless trilogy updates? leave 🫢 + an @ to tag in my askbox !

[yandere-romanticaa]

Here are some crumbs about yandere mortician! From now on, his name is Viktor. (I'll make a detailed post about him, his personality, looks later, I promise.)

masterlist.

Viktor can often be seen with headphones in his ears, his expression neutral and eyes glazed over with a sheen of nothingness. When he's spotted in public people want to give him the benefit of doubt and say he's just lost in his own world, consumed by the sound of music. Perhaps he's just so in tune with the lyrics, maybe they speak to him on a level which people often seek out when listening to music. His playlist is filled with all sorts of songs - be it long ballads, cheesy love songs, generic pop, heavy metal, screamo, classical music, frankly some songs you wouldn't even expect someone like him wouldn't even listen at all(a la WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion).

Even while working, Viktor likes to have something playing in the background. His co-workers often joke about his music taste but he just shrugs them off without saying anything. It's all just a rollercoaster, a complete mess but he likes it that way. It's fun to be on his toes.

Truthfully, Viktor never liked music. He never bothered paying attention to the lyrics nor the meaning or even the tune of the song.

He simply can't stand the silence.

Viktor is a walking contradiction - he dislikes most people and yet wishes to be a part of them. He wants to be someone. But he doesn't know how to do that. His way of coping became listening to music. He even learned to play some instruments growing up, thinking that maybe someone would take a liking to him.

Even so, no one bothered with him. He was still a nobody.

Some did admire him, from a safe distance at least. His aura was black as charcoal and posture stiff as a board. Even if one dared to look at him for too long it felt like Viktor would pluck their eyes out if he caught them looking.

Perhaps he would. He wasn't sure either.

The sounds had no meaning to him. It was all used to cover up the silence, pure white noise. Nothing more, nothing less.

All of that came to a screeching halt once he met you, his tiny piece of sunshine.

You'd go through his playlist, sometimes scoffing, sometimes liking the things you saw. His eccentric side never failed to amuse you. Amongst that jungle you'd ask him who his favorite artists were, if he had anyone specific he liked.

Viktor said the names of some random artists he thought you fancied yourself. He wanted you to like him.

His answer ultimately did not matter in the end as you would still recommend some of your own personal favorite songs to him. Viktor promised he'd give them a listen as soon as he could.

Later that evening, he was hard at work. As he was putting on his coat he turned towards his phone and reached towards it, slightly eager to see what you had in store for him. The song played quietly in the background as gently rain tapped against the window, giving the morgue a more tranquil feel than it ought to have. The person on his table tonight was an old man who presumably died of a heart attack earlier this morning.

Poor soul. That was all he could bother to say.

The evening went on as it usually did but Viktor could not stop thinking about you. His sweet little sunshine, he was so touched by the fact that you bothered to go so far for him. He could feel his heart racing as unfamiliar butterflies started to flutter in his chest.

Badum. Badum. Badum.

If he wasn't careful he would be the next one to die of a heart attack.

The music got a bit louder as it reached the chorus, its tune almost perfectly in sync with his heart. He hadn't even realized that he started to sway his hips gently. Left, right, left right.

It felt like the correct thing to do.

Viktor also picked up the sound of a male voice humming which was odd, considering the fact that the singer of the song was a woman. He nearly dropped his scalpel as he realized that the one who was humming was him, not someone else, him.

For the first time in his life, Viktor bothered to pay attention to the song. The singer detailed her undying feelings for her lover, promising herself to them and them only.

Viktor thought about you the entire time. He never fancied himself as a dancer but if he could, he would want nothing more than to dance with you.

Would you want to dance with him?

For the first time in his life, Viktor found joy in the music he listened to. And it was all thanks to his sunshine.

🔪 TAGS: @shamelessdarkprince

[wileys-russo]

childhood sweethearts (5) II a.russo x reader

series playlist part one part two part three part four

and as we await the fate of our two main protagonists eventual kiss. its time to find out what really happened six years ago. childhood sweethearts (5) II a.russo x reader

"do i need to pick you up tomorrow then?" your older sister lily asked as she pulled up outside the russo household, drumming her fingers on her steering wheel as you unbuckled and shook your head.

"no i'll probably stay the full weekend and just go to school with less on monday." you shrugged, reaching around to grab your bag off the backseat. "what about your uniform? books? your bag?" your sister frowned as you opened her door.

"i've got a spare uniform here, i can borrow a bag to put my stuff in and i've already got my books with me, i have to study." you patted your overnight bag as the girl rolled her eyes. "of course you do, does your brain even know what a weekend is or do you mentally go to school 7 days a week?" she jeered as you mocked her and flipped her off, closing her door as her window rolled down.

"some of us have aspirations to graduate lilian." you smiled, your sister having dropped out early to pursue a career in cosmetics which had lasted all of three months. "have a shit time dickhead!" your sister called out after you as you made your way down the driveway, flipping her off again without turning around.

"none of that here thank you young lady." your face flushed red as carol opened the front door for you before you'd even arrived, having seen you through the window. "sorry carol." you smiled guiltily, giving her a hug as she let you in with an amused smile.

"lessi's just showering sweetheart." the woman explained as you hummed, leaving your bag by the lounge and following her to the kitchen, you'd been wondering why the girl hadn't responded to you on the way over here and now it made sense.

"shortstack! i saw your hot sister dropped you off." gio wiggled his eyebrows suggestively before pulling you into a gentle headlock as you rounded the corner. "urgh you're like my brother gio thats so weird!" you gagged at the comment, wrestling to try and remove his arm to no use.

"oi get off her!" his grip disappeared as alessia entered, bottle blonde hair pulled up into a damp bun on her head as she punched her brother in the ribs, immediately pulling you into a protectively tight hug as gio let you go with a loud groan of pain.

"mum!" the boy huffed in complaint, your girlfriend rolling her eyes and mumbling an apology as the older women told her off. "i wish you'd fuck off back to jordan." the boy sulked, grabbing an apple and heading back upstairs to his room as carol yelled after him for swearing.

your girlfriend had only just gotten back yesterday from a week away at a junior lionesses tournament which had been held in jordan. as much as you'd missed her dearly you couldn't have been more proud of her or the two goals she scored, getting her rightful start in the final game. you'd only wished you were able to be there but you didn't have the luxury of a national call up as an excuse to miss a week of school.

"we'll be in my room mum." alessia announced, arm slung over your shoulder as the woman hummed and waved you off, head buried in a recipe book making you smile as your girlfriend lead you away, stopping to grab your bag for you, silencing your protests with a very quick peck to your lips after she'd triple checked no one else was around.

the pair of you had been seeing one another officially for almost two years now however no one but each other actually knew that, and just assumed you were best friends, forever thick as thieves and inseparably close.

neither of you had any idea how no one had caught on yet, maybe it was because you and alessia had always been so close and so affectionate nothing seemed out of sorts to the average eye.

you'd always loved alessia in one way or another. but when it was just the two of you behind a closed door and your lips were pressed together, cold hands roaming one anothers bodies, murmuring everything and anything you loved about the other, you were absolutely infatuated with her in a way so intense it was almost scary.

and that was one sort of love you both agreed you weren't ready to share with anyone but each other just yet.

though both of you did need to often stumble through pools of awkward lies and ramble quickly made up stories as you'd be called out by your friends for the occasional poorly placed or forgotten about hickey.

this was normally your problem. ever since she'd figured out how sensitive your neck was the taller girl utilised every and any opportunity to capitolise on that.

riled on by the whiny begs for her not to stop as she hungrily attacked and devoured your neck late at night, silencing you with a hand pressed over your mouth and a gentle warning in your ear that if you weren't quiet she would stop.

"hi." you breathed out with a grin, looking up adoringly at the striker once the two of you were finally alone behind the safety and security of her locked bedroom door. "god i missed you." alessia sighed, pulling you into a bone crushing hug as you reveled in one anothers touch.

"we spoke every day lessi!" you laughed into her shoulder, alessia having been told off both by her roommate ella and her coach for the hours spent on her phone when she was supposed to be resting and recovering.

"we could be together every minute of every day and i'd still miss you." the blonde pulled away with a cheeky smile as you rolled your eyes playfully. "don't wish that on me please, what a nightmare!" you groaned teasingly as your girlfriend scoffed, holding a hand to her chest in mock offence.

"lessi!" you squealed as she tackled you down onto her bed, hovering over you. "that's baby to you, thanks very much." alessia pouted as you laughed, thumb stroking her cheek affectionately. "there is also something else i missed that we can't do on the phone." the blonde smiled suggestively, cocking her head to the side as her hair fell around you both like a curtain.

"mmm...nothing comes to mind." you looked off into the distance as if deep in thought, hand coming to stroke your chin as alessia playfully shoved your head. "kiss me then star girl." you smiled softly, tugging at her shirt.

as your eyes met, the world seemed to fade away. you felt her hand gently touch your cheek, slender fingers tracing a line down your jawline. hearts raced as her lips met yours, soft and gentle at first, then with a growing intensity as she poured into the kiss just how much she had missed you.

if you were sentenced to death the next day and were allowed one last day to do as you pleased, you'd be sure to spend it kissing alessia.

every single time felt just like the first. the same nervous butterflies would flutter around inside you, lips would tingle as if you'd just smeared them with popping candy, your heart grew five sizes to the point it felt it might burst in your chest.

each kiss was full of tenderness and passion, a dance of two hearts in perfect harmony as the girl who you trusted with your heart and your life drowned you with her love.

you felt her arms wrap even tighter around you, pulling your bodies close as you lost yourselves in the moment. the world around you ceased to exist, leaving only the two of them in a sea of pure unbridled emotion, two hearts beat as one.

her lips always slightly chapped melded against yours perfectly, kissing you with just the right amount of firm pressure to have your stomach in knots, and yet each touch felt so soft and so tender that your brain went fuzzy at the sensation.

her hand would always reach out to tangle in your hair as your own gently carressed her cheek, thumb stroking her jawline, feeling it clench at the featherlight touch.

and then suddenly your lungs would scream for a reprise and you'd pull away, collapsing into the mattress as both of you lay on your sides, eyes locked as chests heaved and alessia leant forward to brush a few flyaways behind your ear.

gone were the afternoons of her kicking a ball at your head, smearing mud on your face as the two of you wrestled and rolled around in the dirt like steam rollers.

your afternoons now were spent wrapped up in the others arms, sharing kisses as you filled one another in on the seemingly more mundane parts of your day the other hadn't been present for, you and alessia only sharing two classes in your final year of school.

on the days alessia trained after school you studied, often at her house in her bedroom eagerly awaiting her to return.

the striker would have left her boots outside at her mums strict request, trudging up the stairs with an exhausted sigh as you'd perk up hearing the squeak of the infamous stair the two of you learned to avoid when sneaking downstairs for a midnight snack.

she would shoulder open her door and dump her kit bag on the ground, making a beeline for her bed and belly flopping normally on top of you, face buried in your neck as she clung onto you tightly with a mumbled greeting hello.

sometimes you'd wind her up and tell her you wouldn't kiss her until she showered, dodging her attempts as you teased her for smelling terribly which normally ended in her trapping you in a bear hug beneath her until you tapped out on her back and gave in, allowing her lips to finally meet yours.

other times she'd have been told she wasn't starting next game and her head would hang low from the moment she entered the room. you'd immediately sit up and brush your books to the side, opening your arms for her to melt into. carding your fingers through her hair and slipping a hand up her top you'd hold her tightly, rubbing circles on her back, lips lingering on her sweaty forehead.

as you'd always known, you loved alessia, nowadays in a way much more intimate and tender than you'd have ever understood in your youth.

"you're so beautiful." the taller girl spoke softly as you lay side by side, words melting you like butter as you couldn't help but blush, no matter how often she complimented you it still had you swooning.

"why are you so shy? it's very cute baby but we've known each other like our whole lives." alessia laughed as you hid your face in your hands, the blonde prying them away and attacking your face with kisses only making your cheeks heat up further.

her leg nudging yours as you lifted one, allowing hers to slot in perfectly, your limbs tangled up as your foreheads pressed against one anothers.

"il mio bel bambino." (my pretty baby) her lips moved to gently kiss your fingertips, hands held captive in hers.

"you learned more italian!" your face lit up in pride as alessia eagerly nodded, beginning to ramble about how she had made it her mission to continue her online lessons even while away.

"alessia mia teresa russo studying in her free time? has there been an doomsday i wasn't aware of? are you feeling okay?" you gasped holding the back of your hand to her forehead, squealing as her fingers jabbed sharply at your sides.

"yeah well unlike school work this is something i actually want to learn!" she rolled her eyes and you grinned, kissing her nose and swooning as she scrunched it up adorably.

"hey. can we talk about something?" the blonde asked hesitantly, eyes dropping down to avoid yours, messing with your fingers as you nodded, eyebrows knitting into a curiously concerned frown at what was to come.

"okay but i don't know how you'll react so we have to do the thing." alessia decided, looking to you for confirmation as you hummed, the two of you sitting up and spinning around suddenly.

you shuffled slightly so your back was pressed against hers, hands finding one anothers and intertwining your fingers as your heads slumped onto one anothers shoulders, eyes closing.

"what's on your mind lessi?" you asked softly, squeezing her hands supportively as she let out a long sigh. "well. when we were away a few of the girls were talking about their...well their first times, with their boyfriends." alessia started quietly, her heart hammering away in her chest with every word.

"and i guess it just got me thinking about it." she spoke a little quicker now, clearly nervous for your reaction to her words, squeezing your left hand to signal she was done talking for now.

"some of the girls at school have been talking about it too." you confessed. "are you thinking about...wanting to do that?" you asked gently, not wanting her to feel as though you were judging her in any way. "maybe? does that make you feel...weird, or anything?" she asked slowly.

"no, definitely not weird." you promised, the two of you sitting in silence for a moment. "i guess i think i'm ready? to do that. but i don't want you to feel like...pressured into anything. we can do it soon, we can do it later, we can never do it if you didn't want to." she assured, starting to ramble as you squeezed her hands, grounding her into silence again.

"i want to do it with someone i love and someone i trust and you're the person i love and trust the most lessi. i think i'm ready too, whenever it happens." you spoke softly, unable to see the blush creep up your girlfriends neck at your words.

and it did happen. it was a couple of months later when you had your house to yourselves, your parents having taken your brother away for the weekend for a cricket tournament and your sister disappearing around to her boyfriends house.

the first time it was awkward, nervous, weird and clumsy of course, neither of you had done anything like this before and you'd have been lying to one another if you said you both hadn't tried to do some...research on your own to try and best prepare.

but despite that, it was with alessia.

you felt safe and you felt comfortable and loved the whole time, it didn't quite have the ending either of you expected (that sort of ending came a few weeks later and boy oh boy...no amount of research could have prepared you for the feeling) but it only strengthened the trust between the two of you, and was yet another first you'd experienced by one anothers loving side.

they always say your first love is a little foolish, some may even say there isn't something called first love. but what makes those initial feelings of love most beautiful are it's innocence.

when you fall in love for the very first time, that innocence inside you, that's a precious thing. it feels like you give your whole heart to someone, and as if you wouldn't ever know anyone else to treasure and care for it.

which is why it was all too easy for alessia russo to be both your first love, and your first heartbreak.

~

it all started the day you got the letter.

your mum had found it first, fighting her every urge to rip it open and read your fate, instead leaving it neatly on your pillow for you to find when you returned home that afternoon.

you'd spent the day with the russo's, thermos of her dads famous hot chocolate in your hand, bundled up in a hoodie with your girlfriends jersey tugged over the top. you sat shoulder to shoulder with her brothers in the stands, watching your favorite blonde play in one of her final games of the season.

you didn't pretend to understand half the rules of football much as alessia had dedicated years of her life trying to teach you, and so her brothers knew to hit you with running commentary throughout. but the one thing you would always understand was the sense of utter euphoric pride which rushed through you watching her play, especially when she scored.

her arms would shoot up into the air and her eyes would always find yours, pointing up at you and her family with a lopsided grin, sprinting to celebrate with her teammates as you all screamed out encouragement, drowning her in whistles and claps before play resumed.

coming away with a 4-1 win meant they were in pole position to finish top of the table, and so alessia was unable to wipe the shit eating grin off her face as she emerged from the change rooms afterwards, waving goodbye to her team mates and jogging over to where you all waited for her.

she'd always hug her dad first, your girlfriend was the true epitome of his girl, and mario reveled in teasingly holding that over carol. you were always last, alessia always saved the best for last, picking you up and spinning you around off your feet as you'd laugh and sing her praises, the two of you hugging tightly.

"i love when you wear my jersey." she mumbled in your ear, sending you a soft smile as you bumped your shoulder into hers and the two of you made your way back to the car, her brothers talking her ear off about the game as you stayed stuck to her side, watching on with a quiet amusement, not understanding most of what was said but feeling nothing but pride for the taller blonde beside you.

luca had driven himself and gio as they waved you both off and headed across the lot, you and alessia slipping into the back of her dads car. her mum would always fuss over the two of you, throwing a blanket over your legs and ignoring alessia's insistence that she was still warm after running around for two hours, carol always winning out as your girlfriend rolled her eyes and gave in.

but the blanket gave the opportunity for your hand to grab hers, squeezing softly as you looked at her in admiration, her head falling tiredly to your shoulder as the two of you chatted along to her parents, waving them off as you pulled up outside your house.

you promised you'd give your mum a hug for carol, hugging them both goodbye. normally her dad would warn he'd be out the front no later than eight since you both had school the next day, but now graduated there wasn't a reason the two of you couldn't spend the next few days together if you wanted, likely flittering from house to house as you often did.

appeasing your mum with small talk for a few minutes you grew impatient, tugging on the back of alessias hoodie with a longing look as the girl would make an excuse, the two of you hurrying off to your room.

"why do you always make me end the conversations. i quite like chatting with your mum!" alessia rolled her eyes as you closed your bedroom door. "because she loves you more and she actually listens to you. and because i haven't properly congratulated you yet for winning!" you grinned as your girlfriend sat on the end of your bed.

"mm that so?" the blonde smiled, arms settling themselves around your waist as her chin rested on your stomach, your own hands playing with the baby hairs on the nape of her neck.

you were about to lean down and kiss her, when your eyes spotted it.

alessia noticed your frown right away, squeezing your hips to gain your attention as you shook your head, stepping away from her and making a beeline for the letter.

"shit is that-" "i think it is." "well, open it!"

"i'm scared. what if i didn't get in?" you admitted, biting your bottom lip nervously as alessia sat right by your side. "you're the most intelligent person both intellectually and emotionally that i've ever met baby, and you got phenomenal marks in our GCSE's. open it!" she knocked her knee against yours and you nodded.

"oh for god sakes." alessia huffed impatiently as you fiddled with the corner, peeling it off painstakingly slow as your girlfriend plucked it out of your hands, ripping the letter right open.

"no you read it." you shook your head as she tried to give it back to you, alessia nodding as her eyes scanned over the paper, face unreadable as you nervously bounced your knee.

"we regret to inform-" your body crumpled at that, flopping back into the mattress as you felt tears prick at the corner of your eyes. "only joking baby. you got in!" alessia pounced on top of you with a grin as you shot upwards, accidentally smacking your head into hers.

"oh my god i got in?!" you breathed out in shock as the blonde clutched at her throbbing head. "oh god baby i'm so sorry!" you squeaked out as she waved you off with a wince, opening her arms expectantly.

"i am so fucking proud of you. my pretty, smart, funny, kind, gorgeous-" the older girl kissed you with every word, the grin unable to be wiped from your face as your mum burst in, alessia very quickly jumping away from you as you filled her in on the news.

and as you jumped up to embrace her, your sister next to run in to congratulate you, alessia couldn't have possibly been any prouder.

but she also couldn't help but allow her mind to drift back to the box sitting in her wardrobe, signed four year scholarship and enrollment papers filled in and ready to be sent off to the states.

she knew she needed to tell you. but the thought of doing so punched a hole in her chest, and so she put it off as long as possible.

well, as long as she could until you found out yourself.

~

it was around a couple of weeks later, you were spending your usual friday night together, movies loaded and armfuls of snacks spread out on the bed awaiting consumption.

"lessi baby can i have a hoodie please?" you kissed your girlfriends jaw softly, the girl humming and pointing her foot toward her cupboard, engrossed in a video on her phone.

"yeah thanks, such a gentlewoman." you muttered, smacking her thigh as the girl whined and shoved you away. with a roll of your eyes at her lack of attention on you, you thrust open her cupboard, hunting around for your favourite hoodie which you knew she'd hidden, no longer wanting you to steal it as it was also her favourite to wear.

with a victorious grin you spotted the sleeve poking out from a pile of jumpers in the corner, rolling your eyes at her poor attempt at hiding and yanking it out. you frowned as a box lay hidden beneath the material, UNC on the front.

curiousity getting the better of you, assuming it was likely a new pair of trainers she'd bought and hidden from her mum as to not be told off for her spending habits, you opened it.

god, how you wished you hadn't.

your stomach leapt into your mouth as your eyes scanned just the first few words of the letter sat atop a bright blue sweatshirt.

"less. what's this?" at first she only hummed, attention still fixated on the video. "alessia. what is this?" you spoke louder now, the girls phone dropping from her hand as she looked up and saw what you had in your hand.

"baby-" "why the hell have you got a four year american football contract hidden in your wardrobe?"

"i wish you hadn't found that." she sighed, burying her face in her hands as you advanced toward her. "were you even going to tell me?" you whispered now, her head shooting up at the sudden change of tone.

"of course i was! i just...i didn't know how." she admitted guiltily, standing and trying to come toward you but you held your hand up in warning for her not to. "you didn't even tell me you were thinking about something like this, we tell each other everything." your voice cracked and with it so did alessia's heart at the look of utter betrayal splayed across your features.

"love-" "stop. don't fucking coddle me, explain." you forced out, letter still gripped tightly in your hand as you took another step back. "it's a four year scholarship to go play in the states. so long as i play with their junior team i can go to classes, live on campus and get my degree for free, and i get a hell of a lot of experience with a completely different style of football." she explained, a smile tugging momentarily at her lips, wiped right away at the look of disappointment on yours.

"i knew you wouldn't want me to go, or you'd try to talk me out of it." alessia admitted quietly, refusing to meet your eyes. "you what?" you managed out, shaking your head in disbelief. "i-" you started, trying to find the words.

"alessia i have always been your biggest supporter. i don't even like football but i go to every match, i make sure your kit bags got everything in it before you leave, i wear your jerseys, i let you kick balls at my head for years! you adore football. why on earth would you think i'd try to stop you from following that passion?" you frowned, shoulders slumping in defeat at her lack of faith in you.

"because it means we'd be apart for four years. don't even try to tell me you wouldn't have had an issue with that!" you were caught off guard at her sudden shift of tone, this one much more abrupt and sharp.

"don't try to project your guilt for not telling me into me being the reason why you didn't. that's not fair!" you shot back, alessia only shaking her head with a laugh. "you shouldn't have even been snooping around in the first place!" she snatched the letter off of you with a glare.

"snooping? i can see that offer is signed alessia, were you even going to tell me before you sent it off?" you asked with a hard stare, face falling as guilt flashed across her face momentarily. "you've already sent it." you realized quietly, her head hanging low all the confirmation you needed.

"wow." you breathed out, moving to sit down on the edge of her bed as you tried to come to terms with everything, feeling her sit down a few feet away from you. "when do you leave?" you whispered, feeling her eyes pierce into the side of your head but not having the heart to look up from the floor, the room starting to spin.

"two weeks."

your head did shoot up at that, alessia wincing at the anger, hurt, betrayal and disappointment clear as day in your features. "two fucking weeks. you didn't tell me and you leave in two weeks?" you breathed out, tears welling up in the corner of your eyes.

"i was going to i promise but i just...i thought it would make everything easier if we didn't-" alessia struggled with her words, tripping over herself as her fingers twitched and she rubbed her palms against her sweats.

"make what easier?" you caught on right away to what she meant, the room starting to feel awfully small as your chest tightened. and meeting your eyes alessia knew you knew what she meant. "everything." the blondes own eyes welled up with tears as you wiped at your face with the back of your arm.

"were you even going to tell me?" you asked, scarily calm as you stared her down, watching her wither underneath your piercingly angry gaze. "no." she admitted after a moment, burying her head in her hands, body wracking with quiet sobs as she began to break.

your legs buckled at that and your body fell to her floor with a small thump, your knees tucking into your chest as you curled into a ball. "so you were going to just leave and what? expect me to just...be okay with that?" you asked, unable to even wrap your head around any of this.

"you're going to college here, i'll be over there. it wouldn't have worked for four years and we both deserve to be able to make the best of this next chapter, i thought i was making it easier if we never had to say goodbye." alessia admitted quietly, both of you refusing to look at one another.

"never mind the fact i'm in love with you. i've been your best friend since we were five less, and you were going to just...get on a plane and leave me for four years without even telling me where you were going." you whispered, barely able to get your words out as red hot guilt flooded the blondes body.

"i was trying to make it easier."

"for who alessia? for you? by avoiding having to even tell me anything and just leaving me without a word? you're a fucking coward!" you almost screamed those last four words, chest heaving as you struggled to hold back a sob.

her silence told you everything you needed to as you broke down, your body convulsing as you sobbed into your hands, alessia covering her ears unable to handle the noise, tears rolling down her cheeks leaving a bitter salty taste in her mouth.

"get off me!" you spat out, shoving her off as she moved to sit down next to you, trying to wrap herself around you in a hug. "get off!" you yelled again, voice cracking as she shook her head, holding you firmly.

eventually she let go, collapsing into herself as you stood to your feet, vision blurry with tears as you stumbled around trying to collect your belongings.

"stop!" you sobbed as she hugged you from behind, yanking your bag out of your hands and dropping it on the floor. "don't leave me, please." she begged, voice no louder than a whisper as her face buried itself in your neck.

"i'm not the one leaving." you pushed her away, the force causing her to stumble as she caught herself and managed to stay standing. "you know now. we still have two weeks!" she tried, almost begging now as you scoffed.

"oh so i have two weeks to wait for you to break up with me? lucky me!" you spat venomously, trying to pick up your bag as alessia kicked it away. "we have two weeks we can spend together before i go. please! i made a mistake, a huge mistake. baby please i love you so much but-" her hands balled at your top, holding you against her.

"if you loved me you would have never lied to me about this. you would have told me the moment you even starting thinking about it! we could have talked it out! worked things out together! now i don't have a fucking choice and you don't understand how unfair that is alessia!" you pushed her harder and harder with every sentence until she smacked into the wall, blue eyes welled up with tears.

"baby please don't go! not like this!" she grabbed you again as you tried, wrapping her arms around you as you fought her furiously, hitting her over and over as her body shook with silent sobs but she refused to let go of you, feeling her tears drip down the back of your neck.

"i would have been okay if we were able to talk about this. if i had time to process this, to make plans with you, to talk about what it could have looked like for us and what we'd be when you were there. i would have supported you and this choice if you'd given me the chance." you finally broke free, stumbling away from her as you gestured between the two of you before furiously wiping at your eyes.

"but you didn't and you weren't going to. you're a liar and a coward and i can't believe i wasted so much of my life trying to show you i care for it all to mean nothing to you in the end. if you love me less, if you ever loved me, then you will do as you planned. you will get on that plane and you will stay out of my life. you're not my girlfriend, not even a friend would do what you just did to me." you wanted to say more, you wished you could find the words, you wished you could hit her again and scream that you hated her and mean every single word you just said to her.

but you didn't, you couldn't, you wished you could, it would have made it all easier.

you didn't allow her the luxury of a response, far too afraid of how easy it may have been for her to talk her way out of this, to lull you into a false sense of safety and security with sweet words and gentle intimate touches. to shower you with affection and quality time and praise, only to rip the rug right out from under you in just two weeks time.

so you left her before she could leave you, and you didn't turn once to look back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

part six

[lowkeyrobin]

hello:))

been loving ur mcyt preferences, and was wondering if you would do one where reader has insomnia???

I take medication for it and i got took off it for a break UGHH. anyways luv ur writing and take ur time plz:))

ooooo okay!! ; and thank you thank you, I appreciate it 🫶🫶🫶

MCYT ; insomniac/night owl

includes ; tommyinnit, ranboo, badlinu, nihachu, & quackity

warnings ; language, sleep paralysis, jokes about OD'ing (melatonin)

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

genuinley feels so bad bc the second he closes his eyes, he's passed the hell out

he'll try and stay awake with you though and wait for the melatonin or just sleep in general to kick in

"if you're too tired to work, then don't. go back to sleep, don't worry about it"

compares you to tubbo 24/7

will bring you cherries and some milk because natural melatonin ❗️❗️

sometimes he'll try and stay awake with you and turn a movie on and he'll just pass out on your shoulder

you'll walk into his stream after sleeping until like 5 in the evening and quietly wave with a groggy look on your face

he laughs (in a very lighthearted way dw)

"y/nnnnn I know you're tired but we gotta go before we miss it"

"I'm coming, I'm coming"

you're basically just a night owl, like his personal guard dog lmao

he'll joke about it a bit too, how you're protecting him in the dark from the monsters 😭

RANBOO

he can and will stay up all night with you

mostly plays video games with you in hopes you'll get tired that way

which works a bit

does insane amounts of research, gets you eating all sorts of natural melatonin before bed and even gets you like children's melatonin gummies 💀💀

"do you have a sleep paralysis demon? are you just scared to sleep?"

"I just cannot sleep, I just toss and turn all night, I swear to god"

one of those people to do endless amounts of research to try and help

"do you wanna go to the doctor and get a prescription or something? maybe it'll help"

tweeting/posting about dumb shit you do at night

"y/n made a whole loaf of bread overnight someone send help"

"tell me why I woke up this morning to my partner staring into my soul holy shit"

FREDDIE BADLINU

also feels rlly bad that he can't help you

also brings you cherries, bananas and milk for natural melatonin in hopes it'll help a bit

will genuinley take you to a doctor to get you a prescription or something

also tweets about the shit you do while he's asleep overnight

"guys y/n picked up crocheting overnight wth"

"love when my partner wakes me up at 5am for breakfast because it was going cold 🥰 (they started cooking at 3:30am)

he can't stay up too late most days, he's a busy man

he feels so bad if you're sleeping through the whole day, he barely ever wakes you up bc he knows you're tired

"love, go back to sleep, you were up all night, I'll call you in sick, don't worry about it"

he strays away from od jokes when you're taking melatonin gummies/pills but sometimes he just has to say it

if you have a sleep paralysis demon as well, yk damn well he'll find his way into your dreams and beat the bitch up

if you can't sleep but he can, he'll just hold you and hope that you'll sleep soon

you'll usually sit there and play with his hair and admire him til you gotta get up and do something

NIKI NIHACHU

like ranboo, she puts in endless research of just trying to find things that might help you

she feels so bad

especially when you're sleeping all through the day and feel groggy as hell 24/7

if you have a paralysis demon she always reassures you that she'll beat it up for you next time it comes around

anything to make you smile bro

she's so sweet about it, if you're sleeping she makes sure to keep it quiet because this is one of the rare chances when you're sleeping

if you go multiple days without sleep and start tweaking out, she'll comfort you to sleep, doesn't matter how long it'll take

"It's okay, honey. it's okay, just focus on the rain sounds outside"

dedicated a whole kinda calm music playlist to help you sleep/relax yourself

finds it so funny when you do shit during the night to try and entertain yourself and it's the most random shit

like you'll go out and feed stray cats, accidently steal a shopping cart, fight the air and record it, etc

sleepy on stream hugs >>>

"well good morning, sunshine. its seven pm"

ALEX QUACKITY

"bro how do you not sleep"

if you got a sleep paralysis demon.... oh it's over for that mf

tweets about the dumb exhausted shit you do

"how do I turn y/n off at bedtime? I'm tired of waking up to see them staring into my soul"

"I love waking up to breakfast (I've been woken up at 4am for the past 2 weeks help me rn)"

thinks it's funny and sad at the same time when you start tweaking after not sleeping

"bro, go to sleep, cmon, it's okay, you're fine" as he's trying not to laugh at you

literally stuffs you with melatonin around 7:30 to see if it'll help LMAO

even talks on stream about how he's gonna fight the demons and pretends whoever he's fighting w is one LMAO

loves when you walk into stream all groggy and tired because he can finally spend a little time w you

[literaila]

winter blues 

tasm!peter x reader 

summary: 

"why are you here?"

"why are you ignoring my calls?"

warnings: seasonal depression (unmentioned but that’s what it is), comfort, avoidance, fluff, peter is nice (mostly) 

a/n: this is so random and so terrible but my computer doesn’t deserve to have this banished away. happy winter!!!! 

*

if you're in a mood--which you're not--then it is perfectly rational. 

and if you've been hanging up the phone, slamming doors, and throwing random objects around your room for the past couple of days--all done as some sort of ritual, of course, a method of which to maintain control--then it's fine. 

your room is a mess and there are more worthwhile, productive things to be done. 

which is probably why you aren't speaking to anyone. 

or, rather, effectively ignoring anyone who even attempts to get a word out toward you. 

when someone knocks on the door you duck under the covers, sure that your presence can't be detected with an extra layer of cotton protecting your body heat. 

when someone texts you, you simply pretend that your phone has died--despite the fifty apps you've got open and the lonely google tab, awaiting curiosity that escaped you weeks ago. 

when you go outside it's with your eyes tilted toward the ground, staring at cement like it's a newfound fascination. 

so, maybe you've fallen victim to the winter blues. maybe you've been consistently listening to one playlist entitled "don't listen to this, you loser," and not really listening at all. 

maybe you've been avoiding this actualization--being that you'd prefer to live in your own disgust rather than face it, thank you very much. 

and maybe, as you consider these missteps, you've got your face smothered into a pillow. 

you do not consider how long it might take you to fall asleep. 

*

there's a knock on your door. 

it is sullen and soft and all too loud for this time of day. four in the afternoon is made for napping, and you have made yourself into someone who no longer answers the door. 

you roll over on the couch, waiting for evading footsteps. 

you are met with only kind silence. 

and then a voice: 

"i know you're in there," he says. "and i know that you can hear me." 

peter knows nothing. 

you have made a point of that. 

you throw your head back, imitating a groan, and wonder how many minutes you'll have to sit through this before he gives up. 

you ridicule yourself as soon as the thought comes; when has peter ever given up on anything? 

"i'm not leaving," he echoes. "i'll knock on mrs. garrison's door and ask for a folding chair." 

you have been avoiding him for the past week. you have been thinking that if he sees you--even just once--he’ll know that something is wrong. that he’ll ask and you’ll have to tell. that he’ll bring up the one thing you’re trying to avoid. 

two things, you guess. 

and because you are sure that peter will make good on his threat, and also because you feel a pin-prick of guilt, you get up off of the couch. you curse your raggedy bones. 

try and recall when you last stood and how long you'll be able to stay standing. 

you go to the door, opening it with a glare. 

"peter," you say, dryly. your voice is rotted with its misuse. 

he simply smiles. "can i come in?" 

"why are you here?" 

"why are you ignoring my calls?" peter challenges, ducking under your arm to walk into your apartment without invitation. 

you try not to wince at everything he might stumble upon. 

like candy wrappers and water bottles and papers that you've crumbled until they're illegible, and others that you've folded into paper airplanes. 

socks and sweaters you've thrown around. a blanket that has served as both a preserver of heat and a tissue. 

dishes everywhere because, coincidently, you've recently forgotten how to use your dishwasher. 

"woah," peter blows out a breath. he turns back to you with raised eyebrows, smile somewhat fallen. 

you frown even deeper and cross your arms. "i'm not ignoring your calls. my phone died." 

peter stares at you. he leans over to grab your phone off of the couch--you'd forgotten it was there--and presses the power button. 

you both watch as it comes to life. it scolds you with notifications. 

"my ringer is off." 

peter just sighs and tosses it back in its forever place. "what's going on?" he asks, softer now, like his knock. 

you stare at his face and wonder again why he's here. why you even bothered answering the door. 

and then his brown lulls you into the earth, where you have no inhibitors. 

you rub a hand over your eyes. "it's just been a long week," you say because at least it's not a lie. 

"did something happen?" 

you shake your head. 

"are you feeling alright?" 

you nod. 

when you look up peter is closer. he is offering you something kind with his face. 

you want to wipe it off and slam the door in his face. 

"hey," he says, whispering to only you. "i missed you. i wanted to make sure you were okay." 

"well, thanks for checking in," you reply, grabbing his arm so you can pull him toward the door. 

peter laughs. "not so fast." he stops both of you with a foot on the floor. 

you scowl at him. 

"it's been a week since i've seen you," peter chides, like you're a child who's forgotten. "i'd like to have an actual conversation." 

you shake his hand off of you. "we're having a conversation." 

"you haven't even asked me about my week." 

you sigh. "okay." you pause for a moment, waiting for him to break. "how was your week, peter?" 

"long," he answers, quickly. "thanks for asking." 

you let a chuckle fall from dry lips. 

he takes another step closer. 

you're used to peter's hands on you--because they almost always are, especially when it's this cold outside and he likes to use you as an excuse--but it feels like more than just touching now. 

when he tilts your chin up with his hands, observing your eyes, you swear that he's actually probing you. 

that if he's the scientist, you are the lab rat being subdued to whatever experiment he's working on. 

"you look tired," he whispers, fingers tracing over sinkhole under eyes. 

"i am." 

peter bites his lip, eyes searching. "are you having trouble sleeping?" 

you can barely shake your head in his hands, but you attempt to anyway. 

peter swallows. "are you sick?" 

"no, peter. i'm okay."

he tilts his head. "you're tired. when was the last time you ate?" he asks. "or took a shower?" 

"i ate this morning." 

peter stares at you. he pokes your side with his iris'. 

"...i think." 

"baby," peter throws his head back. he plays it off as teasing, but you know that he's serious. "you can't just--" 

"i've been sleeping all day," you excuse. "i was gonna eat right before you came over." 

peter gives you another blank stare. 

you sigh at him, refusing to lie any further. 

at least he's fun to look at, you think. at least you're not completely irritated with him. 

"can i make you something instead?" peter asks, playing along. "you can go lay down and i'll bring it to you." 

your brows furrow. "you didn't come over to take care of me." 

"i did, actually. and to make sure that aliens hadn't gotten to you." 

"it's okay. you should tell me about your week," you attempt to put on a smile. "i'll listen real hard." 

"i will," peter promises. "but i want to make sure that you're okay first. you look..." peter shrugs. 

"terrible?" 

he laughs, just a little. brushes some hair from your eyes. "beautiful, obviously. just sad." 

your eyes close involuntarily. something in your chest comes back to life, unwanted and unwarranted. 

you should be able to handle peter saying nice things without wanting to cry. 

and you should be answering your phone and the door without any sort of hesitation. 

peter shakes his head like he can tell what you're thinking. "don't think so hard," he says. "what do you have in the fridge?" 

he gives you another smile. one that is so desperate and pleasing that you almost flinch. 

peter has molded under your darkened fingertips. 

he is shifting, just for you. and despite whatever denial you might feel, you're aware that you've been keeping him at a distance to avoid just that. 

he grabs your hand, pulling you toward the kitchen. he knows his way around. "let's go look. but you have to have more than a carton of ice cream because last time--" 

"peter," you whisper, pulling his hand back. 

he pauses. looks down at you. "hmm?" 

"will you--" you swallow. let the guilt fill your mouth. "will you--can you hug me? for just a little bit? i don't, um, i don't--" 

peter is quick to stop you. 

to wrap his strong arms around your back, cradling your head right against his shoulder. he lets you nuzzle into his neck, lets you grab onto his shoulders, and play with the hair on the base of his neck. 

he wraps you in comfort and warmth. 

like a present, he's wrapped you with care. he tells you that you can open it and look whenever you're ready. he whispers little things in your ear, about the things you've missed. 

he's gifted you this much. 

he loves you, he promises. 

and if you'll open the door for anyone, it's peter. 

*

my masterlist here.

tags:@moonlarking-blog @v1ci0us @preciousbabypeter @alexxavicry @directioner5life @inthegetawaycarwithtaylah @localrockstargf  @thestudiouswanderer @take-my-hand-time-boy @thoughtsofagodlovingsunflower @nyomjoon  @moo-b1tch @raindropstearsandtea @rqmanoff @hollandweather @wetcoldnoodle @urlocalavenderhazestan @valvlry @imthatcoolmom

[miguelsslvt]

miguel o'hara x cheshire cat! spider! reader drabble

word count: 580

TW: angst, fluff, literally makes no sense

A/N: basically as i'm writing a goth girl! reader smut, i was listening to the playlist 'alice by heart' and i just thought of a cheshire cat! spider! reader comforting a lost in grief miguel? i dunno, it probs dont even make sense. but maybe when i'm free next i'll write a smut fic of miguel going to wonderland to capture an anomaly and she ran into cheshire cat who offers him some 'distractions'? ;) anyways posting goth girl! reader smut soon!!! welcome to the club!! ^^

y/n l/n. alias? cheshire spider. from earth-444, also known as 'wonderland'. you were a skilled spider, but very irritating to miguel. he had allowed you into spider society purely for your good agility and strength. agility of a cat, powers of a spider. and the fact that you could disappear and reappear whenever you please was useful too.

on a day you wanted to bug and annoy miguel, you walked in at a bad time. he was looking through past images and videos of his daughter.

'..who's that?' you asked, as miguel's eyes widened in shock and anger. 'get out.' he said bluntly. 'no. who is that?' you asked. 'get out cheshire!' miguel snapped. 'no miguel i want to know who that is.' 'didn't curiosity ever kill the cat?!' 'tell me.' you snapped back. 'i'm sick to death of you cheshire! you just dk nothing but bug everyone, i'm sick to death!!' miguel yelled angrily, as you looked completely unphased. in fact, you smiled.

'looks like i hit a soft spot.' you said, smirking. you disappeared suddenly, your smiling disappearing last until it first reappeared beside the current video of miguel and his daughter playing together. '..y'know i'm actually good with grief?' you said. miguel raised an angry eyebrow at that. 'what?' he said, confused slightly. 'what, you think none of us cared when alice left us?' you said, raising an eyebrow. '..that's nothing compared to my pain.' miguel spat coldly. 'senseless, heartless. you won't ever give this girl's soul up?' you asked, tilting your head, miguel gave up arguing. he sighed, frustrated. '..my daughter. gabriella. i..i killed her.' miguel said quietly.

you looked down, nodding as you listened. '..was it a multiversal collapse?' you asked, as miguel nodded, looking down. '..some things fall away. you just have to accept them.' you said. 'how am i supposed so accept something so devastating?' miguel asked, sounding offended. '..just cry and it's a crisis. if you let your grief sink in, you'll be able to move forward. losing a loved one is incredibly hard, the mock turtles told me all about that, but you're living in shock here. your heart is cold. how can you protect the multiverse if you're so cold and distant on yourself, let alone your team-mates?' you said, raising an eyebrow.

miguel was shocked. for once, what you said made, some sort of sense. no mockery, no jokes, no riddle. did you genuinely want to help him..?

'i may not know how you feel,, but i'm sure that i can try to help you out of this rut.' you smiled softly. '..why are you so.. different?' miguel asked wearily. 'you're so mischievous, so snarky and sneaky, why?' miguel asked. 'hm.. i suppose that's how i was raised. wonderland is very different to nueva york.' you stated, sitting on his desk table.

'you mustn't grow up, you mustn't disobey the queen, you mustn't be late for tea..' you rambled, before smiling again. 'you mustn't hide within your shell of grief.' that caught miguel off guard. he let out a small chuckle.

'you're right, wonderland is very different to nueva york.' he said, looking down. you two sat in silence for a few moments, but it was.. comforting. the silence spoke thousands of words. it was a.. good silence. miguel hadn't heard of a 'good silence' in a while.

'..maybe you could come visit wonderland?' you offered, smirking. 'no way, cheshire.' miguel replied, breaking a small smile.

[eosofspades]

quick n easy list of gentle coping mechanisms for bad mental health days / neurodivergent understimulation episodes!! some are more applicable to one or the other but when i'm feeling particularly like a tiger in a too-small enclosure i find doing at least a couple of these things helps me so much

drink water. basic, but annoyingly effective

eat a snack. same as above

stretch! even just some laying down stretches like pulling on your arms and knees (in fact, here's a great tiktok series for "depression stretches" and workouts/physical stimulation you can do laying down/without much movement)

music/podcasts/video essays. your favorite playlist you haven't listened to in a while, a podcast you like/have been meaning to start (i listen to podcasts while i'm drawing!)

draw/color! if you don't wanna draw, a coloring book is always fun. i actually prefer kids' ones.

read a book. i prefer physical books bc i know i'll get sucked back into the social media scrolling for hours if i try to read on my phone. i also recommend a nice tea/hot chocolate/juice with this one.

video games. this can be anything from minecraft to destiny 2, but i usually never give myself time for these, even when i have it (stuck in that phone scrolling). a more action-packed game for mental understimulation, maybe a more mellow one for a bad depression episode.

shower. i am fully aware this tends to take a lot of spoons but even just sitting under running water ALWAYS makes me feel better when i can manage it. it also helps me with adhd overstimulation!

clean/organize. this sounds counterintuitive but i actually do enjoy organizing stuff for understimulation, and cleaner workspaces help with the depression. even if it's something as simple as "put all the pencils on the desk back into the pencil cup."

puzzles/brain games. this one is almost exclusively for mental understimulation but once i get going it makes my depression SO MUCH BETTER, TOO. my niche is getting myself some algebra sheets but this can be anything from math to jigsaws to crosswords to word searches!! some kind of problem solving that engages your brain and requires focus. this one is my favorite because i find it really grounding.

playing an instrument. this is in the same vein as the last one! again, my personal niche is the piano, but this could be any sort of thing. in fact this could even be substituted for some kind of alt hobby all together, like knitting or crocheting or something! again, mostly for understimulation, but gives me the serotonin boost to get through the depression stuff as well.

this is all i have for my list, but i'd love for anyone to reblog and add their own stuff!!

[nightowl33art]

How To Make A Toxicsona- A Master Post!

!This page may update over time! So I was looking at my inbox and noticed I got sent an ask. Likely due to site bugs, I was not able to answer directly, but I'm sure the asker will be able to see this post.

Hello Anon! Firstly, thanks for the fun ask! Keep in mind this post will apply to most toxicsonas. I'll be using my own designs and process as examples. What I recommend does NOT have to be followed. In the end it's your design and it should be for fun most of all. I'm just presenting what the "ideal and average Phisnom toxicsona/toxic blob oc" should have.

For those tuning into this lengthy post with no idea what I'm on about, I'll be excerpting the toxicsona submission form Phisnom/Phil made for his toxicsona review streams. (Phil being the leader of the Toxic Cesspit community.)

(Despite "sona" being in the name, a toxicsona does NOT have to be representative of you! Toxicsonas can also be regular ocs!) Now to the advice!

1. READ UP!

Read the Toxicsonas For Dummies character guide! This image contains all the basic lore and traits for toxicsonas! What I say going forward may reference it. (Reading may also give you some fun ideas!)

You should also peep this from the toxicsona submission form:

In order to have a toxicsona you need* a:

Dark body for a base with accents (ie lines) that must be neon/brightly colored.

Mouth(s) with sharp teeth. Ideally will have at least one extra mouth somewhere on the form.

Unique pattern image for the body.

*You may not need it but it's more or less what makes a toxicsona a toxicsona. I'll be going over each point in detail later!

2. Purpose

What purpose will your blob fill? Are you creating an oc, a sona for yourself, or something else? This will affect what you create and how. If you have a preexisting design/sona you want to toss into the slime, reference off that design! Use what you know about that character/person to create this new form!

Starting from scratch? What I do is come up with a basic idea to concept off of! Think of something you want to design! If you need help, try using one of the countless idea generators out there or put your head together with others and see what you come up with! Moodboards, playlists, and Pinterest albums also serve well! Whatever type of brainstorming gets your inspiration bug flying, go for it!

Regardless, one thing to make note of is who was this design in life? Most blobs were once living beings. They all come from a liquid superorganism called The Substance. When a living being with a consciousness foreign to the slime (like a person) is absorbed into The Substance, it'll be spit out and reanimated anew if it has a strong will. Your blob must've been alive or had a connection to living things. Then it must have undergone some sort of transformation after making contact with The Substance. Asking who your blob was before the slime will be very helpful!

3. Body

You likely either have an idea of what your design will be, or you're jumping headfirst into the doing part. Either is okay! Everyone's process is different. If your design is based off a preexisting one, you're likely to make the new form into a similar shape. Some things to think about when coming up with a body:

A slime body is meant to reflect the ideal self. What are your toxicsona's ideal traits? If you're making a sona, what are YOUR ideal traits?

What were they when alive? Were they a feral stray cat? A human? You may want to stick to a shape that resembles their former appearance, especially if they are in denial of being a slime.

Who were they when alive? Did they like a certain animal a lot? Give them physical traits of said animal! Maybe your toxicsona wanted freedom, so they develop the wings they always envisioned. Maybe they believe they were a terrible person and so deserve the devil horns on their head. Were they two-faced? Give them two faces!

Is this the only form they have? Do I want to add a simplified blob form? Do I want to make a bigger/smaller form? If my character has an alter ego disguise, should I make a form for it?

(Most toxicsonas have a simplified little blob form, reflecting what they looked like at default after The Substance. They're super cute and puntable!)

How much mass do they have? The more mass a blob has, the more they have to work with physically, the more developed they are. What appendages have they formed with this mass? Many toxicsonas lack legs, including Phi himself, who is simply too lazy to use legs. Why your blob does/doesn't have legs can have a reason too!

What colors are they? Common dark colors for the majority of the body include black, gray, and dark shades of any given color (ex dark blue.) The neon can be just about any color! If the design is a sona, pick your favorite color(s)! Keep the color vibrant- it's supposed to stand out from the dark color! Your slime will always be surrounded by a dark/black outline around the very edge.

Where's the extra mouth(s)? The best designs have a mouth placed with thought, but not all are. Thoughtfully placed mouths have significance to the toxicsona. Scars/important wounds on their living body can become mouths. Perhaps if they were a gluttonous or starved person, you'll put a mouth on their belly to represent their hunger. If they're anxious about their mouth or general appearance, maybe it's hidden. (Ideally let the mouth be visible. It's visually appealing.)

(Dutch's extra mouth is on his back. Wings were always a big part of him, both appearance and story-wise, so the mouth emphasizes that. His wings come out of the mouth like tongues!)

Being a cartoonist, we're personally big on shape language and like to have designs with strong, recognizable silhouettes, but you do not have to do this.

Some advice on basics for drawing your slime!

Here's how I create the lineart, clothing coloring, and the outline that surrounds the blobs. (Some steps may be done at the same time or skipped entirely. This is the Nightowl 33 method so your mileage may vary.)

Draw lineart.

Alpha lock lineart layer. Recolor it to neon color.

Clip new layer on lineart. Color clothes black.

New layer for body color.

Move body color layer under lineart.

Color body colors. (I clip different clothing coloring layers on the main color layer. This main base color layer gets colored black when ready.)

Make a folder. Place all lineart, lineart coloring, and all body coloring layers in the folder.

Add a dark color outline in a layer beneath the folder. (I use the "stroke (outer)" tool in my art program, ibisPaint X.)

How I draw eyes!

Draw eye lineart.

New layer, clip on lineart layer, draw dark circle.

Layer sclera coloring under lineart layer.

Add pupil layer below lineart layer and above sclera layer.

(Coloration used to show different steps/parts of the eye!)

(Without the weird example coloring, your end result should look like this!)

4. Pattern

Much like how everyone has their own unique fingerprint, every toxicsona with a well defined identity develops their own unique pattern. Coming up with the right pattern is tricky! Patterns are made up of symbols, lines, or a combination of. They have a rhyme and reason to them. A pattern to the pattern, so to speak.

(Here's a bunch of example patterns, created by me (sometimes with the help of CrystalKleure), or Phil and StupidButterfly. Stare at them for a while and take some notes on what rhythms you recognize.)

For maximum appeal, your pattern cannot be too complex or simple! Try to select 2-4 symbols/lines to create your pattern. These symbols/lines should be thematically relevant to your blob. Ex: A spiderweb pattern for spider-themed toxicsonas, checker pattern for a blob that likes checkers/chess, a UFO for an alien slime, eyes for an angel slime or a slime that loves/fears being watched! (You may also want to reference off the emotion patterns if your blob is heavily associated with an emotion. Ex: sparkles for a very happy/excited slime!)

Feel free to pick basic shapes, like triangles and circles, for one or more symbols.

Create a few variants of your chosen symbols. Draw them big, medium, and small. Fill some of them, leave others empty/"hollow."

Patterns are seamless! This means when you apply a pattern to your toxicsona's clothing or body, it must be able to consistently loop! While you may wing it, below is a handy lifehack to easily make a seamless tiling pattern by @crystalkleure !

1. Draw a base design 2. Split that design in half, and arrange the two halves like this. [You might want to use guide lines/a guide grid to make sure the pixels line up in such a way that these two halves will stitch back together correctly, so they'd make clones of the base image again if you were to tile sets of these halves horizontally.] 3. Stitch the two halves together by adding more to the design 4. Split the image again like you did in step 2, except this time split the top and bottom apart instead of the sides. 5. Add more stuff to the design again, in any way that crosses the "seam" made by step 4 [where the top of the bottom half meets the bottom of the top half]. And if you lined up the pixels correctly while you were splitting and rearranging the chunks, you now have an image that tiles seamlessly both horizontally and vertically. The trick is just splitting an image into halves, swapping those halves' places, and then adding more to the image to hide the seam made by splitting and rearranging parts of it like that. Do it with the sides and you get a horizontally-tiling image, do it with the top and the bottom and you get a vertically-tiling image, do it with both the sides and the top + bottom and you get an image that tiles in all four directions.

Here's a speedpaint where I make a pattern using this method! While creating, double checking that your pattern looks good when looped is important! Don't forget to experiment with placements!

(Wow! What a cool pattern!)

Your pattern doesn't have to be insanely unique, hell you don't even HAVE to have one, but it's honestly better if you come up with one. There's no reason NOT to have a pattern unless it's for lore reasons, such as a confused identity or a mimic character. (Do NOT copy others' patterns and make them your own, especially without permission!)

(Phee, Pho, and Phum have the same default pattern as Phi because they're copycat scammers! They try to convince others they're related to Phi to get what they want.)

Gradient and pattern application!

Now you may want to give your slime a gradient! Gradients tend to appear on the lower halves of blobs but can be placed anywhere! Below is a guide to show how I apply the pattern and gradients to the body! While defaults apply to many toxicsonas, like Phi, they do not have to be followed.

Clip pattern layer over body color layer. (Pattern transparency default is 47%.)

New layer (add mode), place under pattern, clip over body color layer. Draw gradient. (Gradient transparency default is 40%.)

Alpha lock the pattern layer.

Airbrush the upper half pattern layer with the dark body color.

The pattern is often the same color as the neon lineart, while the gradient is often a darker version of the color.

(Weird bright green coloration used to emphasize the layers clipped onto it.)

(The finished gradient, sans weird example coloring, looks just like Phi's!)

Here's how to apply a pattern to clothing! Create a new layer with the pattern. Clip it to your base. (Pattern layers on clothes are usually somewhat transparent. The default is 65% but you can deviate.)

5. Outfit

Clothing is a HUGE self expression that extends to the world of toxicsonas! Blobs can harden mass they acquire, turning it into wearable cartilage clothing! Below are some tips but the bottom line is DESIGN WHAT YOU WANT.

Who they were before the slime often heavily influences their outfit(s). Ex, if your blob was a clown when alive, they may dress the same as a slime.

You'll often find the body pattern on the clothes, but you don't have to do this.

A popular addition to blob fashion is caution/hazard tape! While often black and yellow, feel free to deviate the colors.

(A bunch of fashionable slime outfits with caution tape themes that I made or had a hand in making!)

Phil does not like hoodies on toxicsonas but you can totally join the #hoodiesweep nation. (It would be super funny.) That aside, many do put their blobs in hoodies, so avoiding a standard hoodie is preferable if you want to make a super unique design.

You don't have to give your blob any clothes, especially if they're non-humanoid. Accessories are still recommended to personalize your design and make it stand out from an average ...whatever it is.

Unlike the rest of the slime body that has colored lineart, clothing almost ALWAYS has black/dark color lineart.

Any slime overlapping atop non-slime materials requires a black outline, including over clothing.

(While the consistency of this rule varies with established toxicsona art (ie Phi), I personally try to apply it as much as possible, even when slime overlaps slime. It makes things look nicer and allows the neon lines to stand out more. It's also easier to make out what's going on when looked at.)

Misc. tips!

Bananas are the main unit of measurement in the cesspit! Giving your blob a height can help people draw them to scale, especially when drawn next to other blobs! To get the accurate height: 1. Conjure a length of your choice. 2. Convert your length to inches (in). 3. Divide the inches by 7. (Because 7 inches is the average length of a grocery store banana.) 4. Congrats! You have banana height! Now you can also reverse the order and get standard heights!

Too gay or lazy to do math? Click here for faster conversion! http://bananaforscale.info/#!/ (Note the results will be slightly shorter than my method above but the measurements are about the same so who really cares about that.)

Come up with a backstory for your toxicsona! If you haven't already made one during the design process, you may want to now! -Consider what life was like before they came in contact with The Substance. How did they feel about their old life? -How did they come in contact with The Substance? (Preferably avoid the basic backstory of accidentally falling into a vat. It's overdone, mainly due to how vague lore was before the toxicsona review streams. I'd suggest letting Phi lure them into the slime or tossing them in, if you want something traditional. Phi's goal is to make a blob army, after all.) -What is their life like now, post-Substance? How do they feel about their new life?

(Canon backstory comic on how Phee, Pho, and Phum became blobs!)

Feeling social? Working with other cesspit members (or your own ocs), you can develop links between your toxicsonas! Make your friend's blob their friend! Or maybe enemy! Why not ship them? GO NUTS????

(Phee is a massive flirt in the cesspit. Mr. Sex/Noctus belongs to @corovusin !)

-Consider how your blob may feel about others. Are they a social butterfly or a shut in? Who do they like? Who would they rather avoid? -What are their thoughts on Phi, the leader? (Generally avoid giving them a super strong, personal bond with Phi, such as relatives, best friends, or close partners of any kind. Phi does not have a family and she's a total bitch to just about everyone!) -Phil says there's no love in the cesspit but he's literally just a hater. Make your ocs gay kiss!!

Feel like cooking a little more? Why not design a pre-slime form if it doesn't already exist?

(Phee and Phum before their fatal scam attempt on Phi.)

Many cesspit users also create a "living disguise" form for their toxicsonas, so the slimes can wander among others without rousing suspicion! Blobs have the ability to learn to shapeshift. It's a skill that must be mastered with experience and time, so disguise forms often have "flaws" that give away an inhuman quality, like extra mouths, eyes, patterns, or gradients on their skin.

(Dutch is very good at shapeshifting, so his disguise lacks most flaws. The flaws that are there are mostly intentional, since he's proud of his slime qualities. A blob who perfects the skill of shifting can look like an ordinary human, but where's the fun in that?)

Most toxicsonas can change color based on emotion. (They may also change based on other factors so feel free to get creative with it.) -As a slime has a base pattern and color of choice, these will change based on their mood and that mood's assigned color! Many toxicsonas share patterns and colors with Phi (like red and triangle pattern for mad, blue and flowered squiggles for sad, etc.) but this is not a rule. You can assign any color to any mood. You are not limited to Phi's emotion set either! You can even make your own patterns for your blob's moods if you feel like it! -Some color changes are very subtle in some slimes! Is this true for yours? -Modifying the design of your blob to match their mood is a fun way to create expressive and interesting variants!

(Dutch's hair, horn shape, halo, face, and hands can change with his mood! He has an array of emotional patterns, both preset and custom-made, to match the different colors/moods.)

(When Goober was alive, they had DID. Mimicking the behavior of their former life, the three alters, Ziggy, Skrunk, and Wumbus, became separate blobs. They still need to work together to function properly. They combine to bodily become "Goober." Goober's left eye functions as a collective eye, while their right eyes that can emote separately reflect their respective alter.)

(Goober's default color is green, indicating all alters are co-fronting. When there is a primary fronter or two, the upper body color changes to match!)

Design a shell for your toxicsona! Shells are foreign objects blobs use, often to live, sleep, or hide in. Shells are protective. ANYTHING can be a shell. Not all toxicsonas need one, but those that do often have a thematic shell that relates to who they are. (Ex: Phi-barrel, Bucket-bucket, Collette-chocolate box.)

(Thanks to his angelic theming, Dutch's shell is a reliquary- a display container for holy relics, often being remnants of holy figures. Goober's shell of choice is a mini UFO!)

Stuck? Want to grow your design with less work? Collaborate with others or take their advice if you like what they give you. Ask people what they'd change about your design!

You should NOT be designing just for the approval of Phisnom, You should design for YOURSELF (or whoever is paying you- I see you, adopt/custom ppl.) He's just another person out there. Yes, a creator of the species, but he does not have to dictate your choices or give your design an S tier ranking just to validate it. The satisfaction should come from inside, not outside.

Hope these tips help, best of luck creating your own toxicsona, and feel free to ask any additional questions regarding this! ✌️

[that-was-a-bit-stupid-of-you]

ttpd review: thoughts (and prayers)

cuz wtf was that. (also providing my two cents that no one gives a shit about)

Is the promotion in the room with us?

Not going to lie, this part pissed me off. As a post evermore release swiftie, the first album release I got was midnights. And while the promotion for midnights wasn't astoundingly genius, the track list release (midnights mayhem with me) was smart. Everyday, there would be chaos all over social media of taylor taking out a number and releasing the track name. The excitement over YOYOK was to die for. But after reaching peak fame, girlie just decided shit wasn't necessary anymore. Absolutely no promotion for ttpd, except a few lyrics that provided no context (or excitement) whatsoever. That, and the very non subtle "hinting" of some big reveal of what went down between her and joe, by making some playlists, that not only ruined the perspective of many of her fans and the relationship they had with her previous songs, but ALSO. THE ALBUM HAD BARELY ANYTHING ABOUT JOE. (Not that i personally care about what happened, but it was so unnecessary to center the ONLY promotion done around someone who was barely a part of the album). Swifties went on the internet to harass joe alwyn (and his female coworkers) who might as well be called a special mention on a matty healy album. Why even do all that then? We will never know.

Confusion?

taylor released 31 songs, and while a double album theory coming true would be a dream come true for any swiftie, it just... wasn't. Out of 31 songs, barely 10 stood out. Some of it just didn't make sense, in any way. "Why is this on the album?" "This sounds like a midnights vault track." "No issues, maybe this is just a skip. I'll listen to the next. Oh wait nvm. Um." Like girl what. It just feels like a giant vault album of synth pop music.

Also, it's called the tortured poets department. There is barely anything poetic or tortured about the album aesthetic. Except maybe it's torturing me, but I'm as much of a poet as she is, which basically means I'm not one.

The album just feels so different than the other albums, in the sense that they followed an aesthetic, a certain style of music and lyrics, and created some sort of story. This one just feels like she wrote many songs and put them all on an album, picked whatever track name seemed interesting enough as the album name, and called it a day. Some of the songs are gems, some create a confusion as to why they are on this album, and some just make you cringe- or atleast go "wtf". Which is fine, but if not even half the songs fall under the first category out of 30 songs, then it's a problem.

These were written by... taylor?

The lyrics omfg. I'm not going to be one of those ppl who go around saying that the lyrics sounded like an emo middle schooler (I've heard this take) BUT again, some songs have lyrics that make you question how taylor, someone who wrote the albums folklore and evermore, and many great songs like would've, could've, should've, story of us, all too well, fearless, white horse, dbatc, daylight, red... I could keep going tbh, produced...this.

It was very weird to listen to the words "tattooed golden retriever" from someone who wrote "handsome, you're a mansion with a view" (also who the FUCK is calling matty healy that??)

A very important part of taylor's music is how it is focused on the lyrics. The music itself isn't the most special, or different, in most of her songs, but what makes them (and her) special is her songwriting. However, from her songwriting going from commonly used phrases and idioms to make them tell a story, use a wide range of vocabulary, heavily using personification, allusion, transferred epithet, and a few other figures of speech that she uses in her songs to make elements such as colours, for example, tell a story, in a way it seemed effortless and fit perfectly, to this... now it feels like she's trying to do that, but that's it. She's TRYING, and it's not yielding results, and seems more like a try hard "poet" rather than... whatever she was going for. The songs are filled with self-satisfied "clever" metaphors that are being reused and recycled over and over. This is not what ppl meant when they asked you to be more environmentally friendly, taylor.

Final thoughts I guess?

While the songs are basically only an empty shell of something that taylor used to make, the album isn't all bad. Some of the songs do sound good and go well with taylor's voice (aaron dessner, the fucking legend you are) and are quite enjoyable, if not as memorable as her other songs.

There are songs such as the prophecy, clara bow, so long, london, loml, guilty as sin?, etc., that really do come through and honestly I really like them.

I do feel that the album can grow on people, but it's just... not the best. Like she says so much, and not to quote taylor swift, but genuinely the only thing in my head right now is "the more you say, the less I know".

Overall, the album is fine, but not in taylor swift standards. It's just... not bad, with some exceptions.

[strayflowersstarsandlove]

𝙴𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚆𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚞𝚝 - a Han Jisung short au!fanfic

-in which fast burn is actually slow burn that ends up with hearts breaking and words twisting and spit in your mouth.

"Oh-oh, talk fast, romance won't last, I'm okay with that oh-oh, burn, crash, romance Oh-oh, I'll take what I can get from you"

💫PART 1💫

You take a sip from your first and maybe last drink of the night as the guests slowly trickle out two by two. The music has toned down, the original 4 hours long playlist long replayed to its last song until Spotify almost seamlessly shifted to some calmer, ambience tracks you don't know the names of.

Changbin kisses his girlfriend goodbye one last time - even though it's the 5th time he says that - and then walks her upstairs as Seugmin busies himself trying to subtly clean up the place by throwing away empty paper plates and cups, being the good Virgo he is. Which is much appreciated by the Libra in the house, slightly intoxicated and relaxed Channie picks up a few napkins and grins at his friend, patting his back as a thank you as he walks past him to get to the trash can on the other side of the room.

Parties at Chan's where always nice, they had this chill, feel good vibes to them. People could literally show up in their pjamas and bring some chips and they would still be welcomed with open arms and cheers by the host who dubbed in between deejaying and entertaining his guests - and sometimes making out with that friend of a friend who got invited by either Changbin's or Jeongin's girlfriend.

Today was an exception. Only because Jeongin's partner was on a work trip and the last time Changbin's girlfriend introduced one her friends to Chan it actually stuck for once. They were actively seeing each other, but they were not official, as he would put it. She wasn't here today but he still decided not to interact with basically any other girl but you throughout the party.

Completely different story for Minho. He would stick his tongue in whatever throat he got at hand, grab any and every butt. You had to hold back your laugh when a few hours ago you saw him slightly panic when the girl he was making out with on the couch slapped HIS butt all of the sudden. Apparently it wasn't a welcomed gesture. He dropped her and orbited around his other friends for the remaining on the night, namely complaining about her to Chan and Han.

Han who merely acknowledged you these days. You sometimes caught him staring at you while you were talking to any of the other guys or acquaintances, but the moment you accidentally locked eyes with him he would avert his gaze, uneasiness creeping up your insides every time he did that.

You had met all the boys through Felix, he was your closest and dearest friend out of the whole group, and even though you felt very comfortable and safe around every one of them, you still considered him to be your best friend. You had known him for over ten years and grew up with him, you cherished your friendship very dearly.

Parties like these were your favorite cause they were sort of intimate and chill as most of the people there you already knew and the whole thing didn't require you to have to mingle and be all that social. You could happily spend the night sticking to easy going, comforting - arms always around your shoulders - Felix, or talking quietly to Hyunjin in between his outbursts of energy when he heard his favorite song playing and he just couldn't resist moving his body in the middle of the living area like nobody was watching.

"Alright, looks like everyone's gone home. Care for one last round of drinks before hitting the showers?", Chan spoke out loudly, gathering everyone around him as he grabbed some soju and held it up to everyone's mostly empty cups, "I'm good, I might just hit my sleeping bag actually", Seungmin replies, yawning a little, "oh come on don't be a party pooper, the night's still young", interjects Minho, snatching the bottle from Chan and pouring the alcohol for everyone who offered their cups, "the party IS over, Min. You guys are the last ones here. But ya'll sleeping over so it doesn't even count. Anyway... Cheers", argues Chan through a signature giggle.

Minho dawns his drink in one chug and makes a satisfied face along with a resounding "aah" afterwards, he's so cute but so random, definitely one of the weirder ones in the group, you think fondly to yourself while silently sipping. And he catches that. You're pretty sure he can't read your mind but the glint in his eyes when they lock with yours for that brief second you were thinking of him, gives you the odd feeling he managed to pick up on your silent thoughts: "we should play spin the bottle", he announces mischievously.

Much to no one shock, an abundance of "what the hell - why the fuck would you suggest we do that - Minho shut up you're drunk" an another string of curses follows his suggestion, with many of the guys faking disgusted faces and throwing up sounds.

You slap your forehead dramatically. It's like he knew you were thinking of him as a little adorable weirdo and he decided to play on that just then. Felix erupts into giggles and instinctively wraps his arm around your waist for support, he's a very light weight when it comes to drinking. He likes his alcohol finer, sweeter and possibly more expensive than the cheap soju he's been sipping on, you can tell he's already a little tipsy by the way he sways lightly on his feet.

"What? You guys too scared to get a little tongue action?", Minho teases, giggling in high pitched little breaths as Hyunjin plasters his hand all over his mouth and face, "please stop talking", he mutters, rolling his eyes, "whee whe?", he continues, his voice muffled and distorted by the impediment on his face until he pries away the hand only to interlock fingers with the brunette who looks at him perplexedly, "why? Why not? It's just a game to end the night nicely, you prudes".

Chan giggles and sighs while Jeongin shakes his head in disbelief, "cause it's literally just us nine you pabo, and some of us have girlfriends, and y/n is the only other girl here", he explains in fake frustration, "yeah I'm sure y/n wouldn't like to be thirsted after like some piece of meat to end her night", adds Changbin, to which you smile gratefully. Yet you're undeniably amused by the idea. Must be the alcohol you promised yourself you weren't going to drink much of. Which was still true to a point. You weren't even tipsy. Just a little amused by the silliest things.

"Fine. Changbin, Jeongin, Chan, feel free not play. More fun for us", rebukes Minho, slinging an arm around Seungmin on his side, who "ews" in his way, while still holding onto a progressively concerned Hyunjin who tries to unglue their fingers, "... I don't have a girlfriend", interjects Chan, scratching his neck nervously, Changbin shoots him daggers with his eyes only, "what about Lisa? Aren't you guys dating?", he eggs him on, "we're just seeing each other. No-", "no strings attached? You're just fuck buddies then, alright", Han cuts him off and everyone either mocks Chan or laughs at him.

"I was going to say it's just not that serious yet but... Moving on... I'm in, I don't care, I'm not too tired yet and it's just a game. An actual not strings attached game". Everybody looks at Chan with shocked expressions, yourself included. Except for Minho who just looks smug. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you Christopher Bahng or did someone clone you and send in the replacement?", comments Seungmin, only making everyone laugh more.

You feel Felix squirming a little, he finishes up his drink and takes a deep breath afterwards:"alright if Chan's in, I'm in", he declares and holds his hand up, Minho lets go of Hyunjin and high fives the blue haired boy, pulling him to his side, opposite you in the little circle you guys formed in the middle of the basement.

"You guys find each other cute? Cute enough to kiss?", Jeongin asks in bewilderment, most of the guys shrug, some make poker faces, Seungmin shouts a resounding NO while Chan giggles as he nods and winks at Felix who giggles with him.

Now now... You knew all of them felt very comfortable around each other, you had witnessed them being openly affectionate multiple times. You knew they liked to cuddle in piles and sometimes playfully grab at each other butts and stuff. It's not like you didn't expect them to randomly act out, you were just a little surprised about how the were slowly all coming around after initially shutting down Minho's idea so vehemently.

"I'm so going to regret this ugh", Hyunjin exclaims, joining the favorable group, Changbin sighs and crushes his plastic cup in his hand, "now how can I pass up the chance to finally kiss you, my prince", he says dramatically, blowing a kiss to the tall brunette who giggles loudly as he tilts his head back. "I love how everyone thought I was insane yet you're all crawling now. And y/n hasn't even agreed yet", comments Minho with an underliying victorious tone to his voice, "she doesn't have to", Han replies so lowly you're probably the only one who picks up on it.

And you don't miss the slight harshness in his tone. You knit your eyebrows at him, annoyance bubbling up at the base of your stomach as you lick the last drops of the soju in your cup and smirk, "yeah she doesn't have to but she will. Count me in", you declare fiercely, attracting a few astonished looks in your direction. Fuck it. You think. They were all attractive, kind hearted, good fucking people. Spin the bottle was just a stupid game and you felt safe and secure enough not to be afraid they'd disrespect you. Might as well enjoy a little fun.

Felix shoots you a curious look but stays silent, he blinks his pretty eyes and looks down for a brief second. "I hate you guys, I'm in. But I'm not kissing anyone with tongue". The cheers that follow Jeongin addition are so loud you have to cover your ears. "Seungmin, pup, join the dark side", Han prods the last of the group who looks utterly disgusted as he puckers up his lips and walks closer to him, "Jisung, stop that. I'll play, but no tongue for me also".

Chan pours out "an encouragement round" of tequila in tiny shots glasses, skipping on the few of you who refuse the liquid courage - you, Han, Seungmin and Felix - and then proceeds to invite everyone to sit down in a circle as he pulls out his phone.

"Okay. Here are the rules: we'll play three rounds, each a little more risqué than the last one, and I'll set a timer for each one. First round is a kiss on the cheek, second one is a peck on the lips and third one is a kiss that has to involve tongue, and has to last at least 30 seconds. If anyone's deeply uncomfortable at whatever point, they can pull out. Are we good? "

You find yourself sitting in between Hyunjin and Chan, with Minho and Felix sitting opposite you, next to Seungmin, Jeongin and Changbin while Han closes the circle on the other end, next to Hyunjin on one side and Minho on the other. A somewhat tense silence fills the room, if not for the quiet lofi music in the background, you can almost hear Hyunjin's stomach grumbling, the sound of your quickened breathing and swallowing once it downs on you there's quite a high chance you'll end up kissing Han.

You two weren't as close as the others. And not without reason. Truth was that when Felix introduced you to him, you felt the most intense sparkle crackling in your chest. You had clicked so fast and so well. And then you kissed and it all went crumbling down. You hadn't confessed your feelings for each other but a few years back on one wintery night while you were walking on one of your night walks through the park, he had kissed you.

You initially thought that was it, that was going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship with this guy who was the sweetest, funniest, smartest guy you had ever met. He was insanely attractive and played the guitar and the piano and knew how to rap and sing beautifully and you were definitely falling for him even though you had only known him for less than a year.

Instead he had went ghost after that night. And when you had confronted him about it, heartbroken as you were, he cited how it was a big mistake and that he wasn't thinking straight. Obliterating the countless nights and days you had spent as actual good friends and that later evolved in slight flirting and closeness overall. A few years had passed and you mostly kept it civil and discreet. Nobody knew about it except for Felix who you just couldn't keep this secret from, and you suspected Minho might have known about it too cause he was Han's closest link in the group besides Felix himself.

Tension had been building up and it was gruelling and undeniable to the four of you but everyone tried their best not to show it too much. You kept your distance, slowly trying to heal your heart. And it was hard, it was so hard cause you all hanged out all the time as a group, seeing that some of the guys were getting girlfriends also didn't help much. You longed to have someone care for you like that, that someone looked like he despised you with a passion though.

Chan is about to spin the bottle when Han stops him brusquely: "yah wait! What's the point of this whole game if anyone can just call it quits whenever? Isn't spin the bottle supposed to make everyone at least a slightly bit uncomfortable?", he quips, a smug look on his face as he looks around. The older brunette sighs and nods," that's a good point, actually...."," yeah I'm not making out with any of you guys. Juni wouldn't appreciate it", comments Changbin, "yeah neither am I", adds Jeongin, looking cross. Minho rolls his eyes in annoyance, "fuck guys it's just a game... Loosen up".

A little debate explodes right then and there, with everyone trying to talk over the other and the ensuing chaos that makes you laugh half heartedly when you notice Chan looking absolutely spent as he massages his temples. "You are all making it way more complicated than it needs to be. Stop being so hellbent over anything, Jesus!".

Calm and chilled out Chan surprises everyone when he shouts in order to get everybody's attention back to him, he slams his hands down on the floor and sighs once all eyes are on him," first two rounds are mandatory. You either play it fair or you're welcome to go to bed, I don't care at this point. Changbin, Jeongin, you're automatically excluded from the second and third round. Seungmin you either pray this bottle never fucking lands on you or you can use all my mouthwash later on. I have gallons. Now, can we do this stupid thing and then go to sleep? ".

Seeing that no one protests in response, Chan grins, pleased with his unwavering authority, and places the bottle directly in front of you: "since you're the only sensible one and the only girl too, you spin first", he declares. 8 distinct pair of either amused or mildly anxious eyes land on you, you can feel them all burning tiny holes in your face as they expectantly wait for you to break the ice.

The crimson heat rising to your chest and your neck and your cheeks definitely alerts everyone, yourself included, that the confidence you began this night with is now visibly fading, leaving your body like it never was there in the first place. You smile meekly and look down at the bottle, giving it a little spin, not too weak not too strong.

The elongated neck of the bottle ends up pointing at Felix. Relief washes over you. He smiles brightly at you and opens his arms wide for you, you crawl over to him, letting him embrace you slightly as you place a soft kiss to his cheek, making sure to exaggerate the sound of your lips smacking onto his freckled skin, which makes everyone laugh. Since he was on the receiving end of the first spin, Felix tries his luck next, the bottle spinning and spinning until it stops in front of Minho, "Yongbokah!!", the black haired boy chirps excitedly, repeatedly tapping the cheek Felix kisses in between giggles.

Minho's spin lands on Hyunjin, who fakes the saddest frown and scrunches his face dramatically when his overtly excited friend complies to the game. He then spins himself along with the bottle, looking so silly as he rotates on his bum:"wheeeeee who am I gonna kiss?", he asks no one in particular: the bottle lands on Jeongin. Oh boy.

The utter chaos and ooohhs and ahhhs and mocking and chants that ensue are loud enough for your ears to start ringing. While the youngest boy fake cries and whines profusely, Hyunjin makes the roundest kissy face and smacks his lips together, "MY BABY BOY, MY BABY BREAD COME HERE", he tackles Jeongin to the ground, laughing excitedly as he places what must be a wet kiss on his friend's cheek.

The traumatized maknae's spin ends on Chan, who laughs so much he starts squeaking. Jeongin curses under his breath and kisses his cheek half heartedly, "I'm so glad this torture ends for me now", he mutters, causing new laughter and squeaks to erupt in the basement. "Aaand time! First round is over", Chan resets the timer on his phone just as Jeongin takes his leave, waving everyone goodbye as he makes his way upstairs.

Changbin pouts sulkily, "I can't believe I lost both chances to kiss our prince and our baby", he whines, while the rest of the guys mock him playfully, Hyunjin laughs the most but still blows him a kiss that his friend pretends to catch and hold close to his heart. "I'll stay for the show until I pass out", he announces then, removing himself from the circle, going to then sit on the couch in the corner.

"Alright, this is where it gets interesting", Chan rubs his hands together and proceeds to start the timer and spin the bottle. You swallow a little nervously now, watching as the bottle spins on itself a few times until it slows down and inevitably comes to a stop: it stills at a weird angle, the narrower part of the neck pointing into the empty space between you and Hyunjin.

You lock eyes with him, uncertainty displayed across both of your faces, "I think it's y/n", says Seungmin, "mmh nah it's Hyune", contradicts Minho. Chan crawls over and frowns, he tilts his head and tries to look at the bottle from a different perspective, he steps over and around it with a confused look on his face, "I'll spin again, just for fairplay sake".

As the countdown ticks and ticks, the bottle spins again, Chan sits back down next to you and observes closely as the empty tequila finally stops. This time it points squarely at you. You inadvertently suck in a little breath. It's fine, you tell yourself. It's just Chan. Cute, cuddly, ever supportive and reliable Chan. You kissed each other on the cheek before on like birthdays and Christmas, no big deal.

He turns to you with an almost apologetic look on his face and smiles gently, "is this okay?", he asks quietly and you nod, "time, hyung", Minho cuts in, much to everyone's amusement, "what? Eager to kiss your next victim?", the aussie teases back before placing a kiss to your lips. It's gentle and quick, passes like a breeze.

Your hands are a little shaky now that you hold the bottle. And it's not from the kiss you just shared but the potential one you might get next. You give the bottle a little twist and then spin it more vigorously than the first time, squeezing your eyes shut. Not Han not Han not Han. "Oh... So it was fate, in the end".

Chan's voice echoes through your ears. You open your eyes to find the bottle pointing at Hyunjin who looks at you a little nervously, "seriously? The three of you might as well just play on your own", poor Changbin is fed up, he stands up from his spot and walks to the door, "I'm not watching someone else living out my dream, goodnight".

It takes everyone a few seconds to calm down from the giggles but when you all finally do and the impeding timer going off resurfaces in your mind, you quickly move onto Hyunjin. It was supposed to be you who initiates the kiss but he does it for you, his lips hands down the softest thing that has ever landed on you when he pecks your mouth slowly. When he spins next, it lands on Seungmin, who goes so pale and flabbergasted he might just pass out right there - "time!".

Everyone groans at Chan's announcement while the remaining youngest exhales in relief: "is my spin null? Do we restart the lap?", Hyunjin asks, "yeah I reckon. It ran out of time right when it landed. It's null. We start over", replies Chan, promptly placing the bottle in front of you, "me again?", you say confusedly, "yup. Hyunjin's turn was basically deleted. The loop begins from you again". Han hisses underneath his breath at this executive decision, while you can see Seugmin regaining color in his face, his features slightly more relaxed even if it's short lived.

Now you're really really nervous. You try not to show it but a strange mixture of excitement and anxiety swirls in your stomach and makes your heart pound when you give the bottle a strong flick, setting it off to spin again.

is this a cliffhanger? Am I doing this right🤔💀

🥀PART 2

[chestnutisland]

Are you ready for our annual Chestnutfest?!

Posted a month in advance, I hope that's enough time for you lovelies to whip up something sweet to celebrate our favourite DBZ OTP♥ Please click Read More to view this year's details!

Happy creating everyone! And pls do share the post around!♥

As always, here are some guidelines.

Starting the 12th of September, upload your submission for the day's theme, note that 9/18 is a free space but you can also use the theme Indirect kiss for that day, and tag me so I can re-blog your marvelous creations! Please use the following tags in the first 5 tags of your post so I can see them in my tracked tags. They are the blog tag Chestnutisland and this years specific tag Chestnutfest2k24. You can also Mention me as @ chestnutisland (without the space) and I will get a notification.

Preferably upload the theme for each day on the actual day but if you can't or rather upload them all at the same time for example, or maybe can't finish on time for one of the days, or just want to participate for one or a few days, that's fine too. As long as you use the tag system I will see it.

Of course, this is Tumblr we're talking about so if for some reason I don't see your work, please send me a DM.

Of course, you are also welcome to use the submit post button to directly submit to me!

Any medium is allowed, art, fics, AMV's,moodboards, playlists, anything you can come up with.

Any rating is allowed, however for NSF(W)T works, please censor your work and use a link to a different website to view uncensored. Please use a Read More as well as a community label and tag appropriately. In example, Ao3 and Pixiv both allow these kinds of works.

No works that break up K18, please. And Absolutely No NTR or ANYTHING of that nature. I will not share it and I will instantly and permanently block you if you submit it.

Please use Tumblr's link feature for off-site fics like on AO3 or FF.net, use a read more if you post fiction directly to Tumblr, that way we don't clog up everybody's dashboards.

Other characters are allowed in your works, of course, hey the more the merrier right? But do make sure K18 is the main focus, please.

The exceptions to the above rule are submissions for 9/17. I decided to dedicate one day of the fest to Android 17 and/or Marron. You can focus on one of them for that day or both, as long as one of them is the focus it's totally cool. Oh and just in case and to be crystal clear because it is out there...**Do not submit Mar17 works, I do not condone those sorts of works for these two characters together!** Ship art of either of them with different characters is allowed as long as it is appropriate. For example, MarTen or 17xOC is fine.

As always, if you have any questions, just send an ask or DM my way, and I'll happily answer any you may have!

This post will be queued a few more times before the start of the fest.

[kaminocasey]

Dream A Little Dream of Me: Part 3

Summary: You get into an accident and are transported to the Star Wars galaxy permanently... for the time being. In the meantime, you get closer to Rex.

Pairing: Captain Rex x f!Reader

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI; Angst, reader gets into an accident in the real world, Hardcase lives though!

WC: 4.2K

A/N: HELLO I know it's been a hot minute since I've updated most of my fics, BUT the good news is, I'm focusing on four of my big fics this year: Dream A Little, Sacred Woman, Bonsoir, and Loverboy. I'll also do small fics and try to update the smaller fics when I can! ANYWAY, I am really excited about this fix it fic <3 (pics from Pinterest) AND A HUGE shoutout to my girl @idledreams for reading over this COUNTLESS times and still hyping me up over it (Along with all my writing) You're the best! <3

Dream A Little Masterlist │ Playlist

Don’t panic. 

Don’t panic.

DON’T. PANIC. 

“I meant someone else. I’m not confident that I can-”

“Cut the osik. What’s going on?” Kix crosses his arms, his eyes still narrowed at you.

How are you supposed to get out of this? He clearly knows you well enough to know you’re lying. What if you just tell him the truth? He’ll more than likely think you’re crazy. You’re still not entirely convinced you’re not. 

This is all just starting to feel too real for you, so you close your eyes and will yourself awake.

Wake up. 

WAKE. UP. Goddammit. Why isn’t it working? 

Kix sighs your name, making your eyes snap open again. 

“Just talk to me.” Kix sighs, a pleading look in his eyes. 

Clearly the two of you are good friends here in your dream or alternate reality, or whatever this is.

“Do you promise to not think I’m crazy or to not tell anyone if I tell you?” You ask him, your pleading look matching his own. 

He nods. “Of course.”

As the two of you walk in silence to a more secluded spot, you try to figure out how to tell him the truth. Even though he promised to not think you’re crazy, that doesn’t mean he can stop the intruding thought from popping into his head. And you can’t really blame him. Would you believe you if you were in someone else’s shoes?

“Okay…” You breathe out as you find a closet and go inside. “Okay…” 

Your hands start fidgeting, clenching and unclenching as you pace in the small space. Kix murmurs your name again, stopping you so that you look at him. 

“It’s alright.” He assures you.

You nod, wanting to believe him. 

God, why can’t you wake up?

“I’m not from here…” You start.

He laughs, confused. “Okay?”

“I’m not from this… reality?” You still struggle to find the words. 

“What do you mean?” His brows furrow as he struggles to understand what you’re saying. 

You shake your head, still trying to find the words. 

“Do you know how when I first woke up yesterday, I woke up confused?” 

He nods. “I heard about it.”

“That’s because I’d never been here before…” 

You’re still timid to tell him this is all a tv show in your reality. 

You continue anyway. “My ‘real’ life is somewhere that is different from this galaxy…” 

Kix’s face goes from confused to disbelief rather quickly. You still can’t really believe it yourself.

“I go to sleep at night there and then I’m somehow transported here…” 

“Okay…” He murmurs. “I mean, I’ve heard and seen way stranger things happen.” 

“Y-you believe me?” 

“I have no reason not to. I know for a fact that you’re not crazy.” He smiles softly and you let out a huge sigh of relief. “Unless you’re having some sort of mental breakdown…”

You give him a pointed look and he puts his hands up in surrender. 

“Okay. Not a mental breakdown. Got it.” He nods, smiling. 

He believes you.

“Do you not think anyone else would believe you?” He asks.

You shrug. “Maybe Rex?”

It was only a few moments ago that you found yourself wanting to tell him everything. He’s easy to talk to. That still surprises you. 

Kix smirks knowingly and you roll your eyes.

“Focus please.” You try to hide the flustered expression that is inevitably on your face right now.

“I’m just saying-”

All of a sudden, you and Kix are interrupted by a random 501st trooper as the door slides open and he looks between you and Kix, clearly embarrassed and thinking he walked in on something going on.

“I was looking for towels-” The trooper explains, apologetically.

“It’s alright. I was just leaving…” You look at Kix. “I’ve gotta find Rex.”

A bad feeling settles in your stomach as you quickly walk out of the closet, finding the exit to the building with the only thing on your mind being saving Hardcase.

The moment you wake up, you groan into your pillow with frustration and try to will yourself back to sleep. To no avail, of course. “Goddammit.” You murmur, concern automatically coursing through your body. 

All this stuff that’s going on in your “dream world” is starting to take a toll on your body. As you sit up, you feel tense, as if you’d been nervous all night. Stretching your aching limbs, you look over at your clock and realize it’s almost noon. Which means you’re running late for your lunch with your mother. 

With a quick restless groan and one last stretch, you practically throw yourself out of the comfort of your bed and race around your room, throwing new clothes on and then running to the bathroom to brush your teeth and hair. You very quickly pull it back and then grab your coat and bag and head out.

Debating whether or not it would be quicker to walk or catch a cab. It’s only a couple of blocks away, and knowing noon traffic in New York, it probably has to be quicker to walk/run. 

Your phone starts ringing the moment you get into the elevator. When you pull it out of your bag, you see that your mom is calling. Knowing you’re about to get an earful for being late, you debate on sending it to voicemail and just texting her an apology. But then you’ll have to hear about that when you get there. So you answer.

“Hello, mother. I’m so sorry-”

“Should we just reschedule when it's convenient for you?” She snips.

“No, mom… I’m sorry, I just overslept is all…” 

“I’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes. There are people staring at me, probably thinking I’ve been stood up. By my own daughter, no less.”

You roll your eyes. “I didn’t stand you up, mother. I’m literally on my way.”

“How far away are you?” 

This angry, irritable version of your mother is completely different than the one who had been singing to you the last couple nights. If you weren’t used to it, perhaps you’d have whiplash. But nope, this has been your whole life.

“Maybe 10 minutes.” You tell her as you get out of the elevator and start walking out of your building. 

Cool air practically whips you in the face and brings tears to your eyes as you see there’s still lingering snow on the sidewalk. 

“Have a good day!” Your doorman, Frank, tells you.

“Thank you, Frank! You as well. Tell Marla I said hello!” You grin.

“Will do, sweetheart.” He kindly tips his hat toward you and you start practically sprinting down the street.

“Who’s Frank?” Your mother demands.

“My doorman.” 

“And Marla is?”

“Frank’s wife, mother.” 

“He seemed a little too friendly with you.”

“Oh good grief, mom… He’s been the doorman for my building for longer than I’ve been alive. His wife bakes me cakes for my birthday.” 

“Oh good, your father just got here.” She doesn’t even listen to you, which gives you a premonition on how lunch is going to go. “We’ll see you when you get here.” 

She hangs up on you and you shake your head, putting your phone back into your bag and then walking briskly the rest of the way there.

When the restaurant comes into sight, you see your mother and father in the corner window and start to wave, thinking they see you. Luckily the pedestrian sign turns green and you start booking it across the crosswalk.

Unfortunately, the last thing you hear is “LOOK OUT!” from someone behind you and when you turn to look, a car is speeding through their red light. 

And then you squeeze your eyes shut. 

You’re hyper aware of your shut eyes, of the darkness. Everything feels fuzzy. Are you breathing? You take a breath. It doesn’t feel quite necessary though… You need to wake up. You can tell that much. 

So wake up.

You open your eyes but it's immediately too bright. Like a bright white light.

Oh great… I’m dead. Wonderful… You think to yourself. What happened?

You rub your eyes until you can stand the light again, finding that you’re standing.

Weird, but okay. 

There’s a white end table that looks like the one beside your couch at your apartment. On it sits a single picture frame. You stare at it, inspecting the silver frame. It’s a picture of you, your mom, and your dad on your fifth birthday. You look genuinely happy and excited, smiling wildly at the large birthday cake in front of you lined with at least a hundred candles.

Who makes a little kid blow out a hundred candles? Your mother who had to make sure you had the best birthday in your entire pre-k class. 

Raising your hand to pick it up, something stops you. 

No… not something.

Someone. Someone’s deep, soothing voice. 

Rex. 

You’d know that voice literally anywhere. It sounds like he’s right next to you, and you can’t quite understand what he’s saying, but a deep ache fills your veins. You miss him terribly. 

You turn around to throw your arms around him, but find that you’re standing in a familiar, yet unfamiliar doorway. You’d recognize a medbay a mile away.

“Come back to me, cyar’ika…” Rex’s soft voice pleads. “There’s so much I need to say to you… so much I didn’t get to tell you.”

You look at your vitals up on the screen beside the bed you’re lying unconsciously in, confused. Did something happen here to you? You turn back around and no longer see the picture frame. 

Instead, you see yourself in a hospital bed, your parents next to you and then it all comes back to you.

The crosswalk… The car. 

You don’t understand… How are you looking at two versions of yourself? Where are you? Why are you seeing two versions of yourself?

But deep down, you think you know…

You have to choose right now. You don’t exactly know for sure what that entails. If you choose one, would you eventually be able to go back to the other? 

There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?

You take one last look at your mother and father asleep in a couple chairs next to your hospital bed and then walk the other way. 

When you wake up, the lights are still a little bright. But you can see Rex’s face perfectly next to yours. 

“Rex.” You murmur, taking his hand.

His eyes widen with relief and he swiftly stands up, over you, hugging you to him. You can’t help the warmth that spreads from head to toe at the touch of this man as you notice that he’s not wearing his upper plastoid armor. His chest is so warm and firm that you can’t stop yourself from placing your hand over where his heart is and breathing in his familiar vanilla and warm ocean breeze scent. 

“What happened?” You ask, you look up at him.

He pulls away, slightly, his brows still furrowed with concern.

“Kix said that the two of you had a conversation and then you went to go find me… You passed out again. But this time, you weren’t waking up at all. And then you started to crash, but Kix got you stabilized. That was three days ago…” You can see that it's difficult for him to talk about it. 

It’s beyond clear to you that he really cares about you and you’d be lying if you said your entire heart doesn’t do a somersault at the realization. 

“I’m not going anywhere for a while now… okay?” You try to assure him.

“See… what does that mean?” He scoots down to the chair so he can fully look at you. 

“You’ll think I’m crazy if I tell you.” You murmur, noticing the way his thumb is brushing over your knuckles. 

It's almost intoxicating, the effect he has on you. An effect no man has ever had on you. 

“I could never think you’re crazy.” He flashes a soft, amused, smile and your chest tightens at the sight. 

And with a smile like that, how could you deny him? So, you tell him everything that you told Kix. Every detail, aside from the tv show bit. 

After a few moments, Rex lets out a breath. “Wow…”

You expect him to pull away, call you crazy, and leave. But he doesn’t. He continues brushing his thumb back and forth across your knuckles in an almost hypnotizing manner. 

“I know…” You murmur. “So, you don’t think I’m crazy?” 

He lets out a soft, amused snort. “We live in a world where a certain type of people have powers and run around with laser swords. I don’t think anything is outside the realm of possibility anymore.” 

A soft laugh escapes your lips. “Okay, good point.” 

It’s quiet for a moment before you look around and see that you’re in a medbay somewhere. 

“So, where are we?” You ask him.

“We’re back on the Jedi cruiser.” He looks toward the doors.

“And Umbara…?” 

“We won. Krell is imprisoned.” He smiles. 

“And Hardcase?” 

His soft smile widens a bit. “Hardcase is okay. He has a few burns and bruises, but he’s expected to make a full recovery.”

Relief floods your entire body. 

“And the 212th?” 

“All perfectly fine.” He promises you.

You let out a relieved sigh and close your eyes, bringing your hand to your chest. 

“You’re sweet to care so much, you know… It’s one of my favorite things about you.” He admits and your chest tightens. 

“Rex, I-” You smile, but are interrupted by Kix’s cheery voice.

“She’s alive!” Kix comes to your bedside, opposite his brother. 

“I’m alive.” You nod, a smile still on your lips. 

At least you think you’re alive. You’re still not quite sure, yet.

“The boys have been hounding me about seeing you. I told them not until you woke up and only if you felt like it. I can make them go away, just say the word.” Kix tells you. 

You let out a playful sigh. “Send ‘em in.” 

Kix nods with a playful smirk and turns to walk out.

“I’ll let you visit.” Rex tells you and you start to protest, not wanting him to go. “I’ll see you tonight, I promise.”

He smirks down at you as he brushes your hair off your forehead. And before you have time to process that, he kisses you on the forehead, making your eyes flutter closed for a moment.

A simple, yet meaningful enough gesture that your chest tightens. You’ll never forget it.

He throws you a quick wink and makes his way out of the medbay just as four large men in 501st blue armor come filing in, already rowdy and clearly excited to see you.

“Look at you!” Fives’ voice booms, making himself comfortable next to you as he slings an arm around the top of the bed. Hardcase and Tup sit on either side of your feet while Jesse stands at the foot of the bed, checking your chart on the data pad.

“How are you really?” Jesse asks you, concern laced in his tone.

“I’m fine.” You assure him, a wide grin unable to leave your lips.

You still can’t believe that this is your new life. 

“Thank the Maker.” Tup pats your foot. 

As you look around at the four men, you’re overcome with so many emotions and feelings, with acceptance and belonging coming in right at the top of the list. You feel like you’ve finally found a place you belong. 

But at what cost?

“How’s your head?” Hardcase asks you, grinning.

“I should be asking you that.” You smile as you take in his patches that are covering his burns. 

He chuckles. “My head is always loose, so nothing out of the ordinary here. In fact, I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you.” He pats your foot, appreciatively.

“Yeah, how did you know about the droid and the missile?” Jesse asks you.

You shrug, nonchalantly. “Just had a feeling.”

“Well, lucky for us that you had feelings.” Fives ruffles your head and Kix throws his hands up in the air with exasperation. 

“Be careful with her!” Kix tells him. “She’s gone through enough-”

“Aw, come on, Kix. She can handle a 501st boy, can’t ya?” Fives elbows you teasingly and you give him a playful glare, going absolutely warm in the face. 

“Alright. Visitation is over.” Kix starts to usher out his brothers. “She needs some rest.”

“Yeah, she does!” Fives grins. “Especially for later.”

Fire creeps into your cheeks with thoughts of a certain captain and his promise of tonight. “Later?” 

“Yeah, when we take ya to 79s to celebrate you not being dead.” Hardcase says, a little loudly.

79s. The clone bar. The bar you’ve thought about many times throughout your multiple watches, always wondering what it would be like to get to see the men you care about let loose after their endless days and nights on the battlefield. They deserve to have fun and be carefree, for however long that may be. 

“Is that okay Doctor Kix?” You smile.

How easy it is to tease and joke with him, as if you’d been friends for a lifetime and not just a mere few days. Now whether or not it has to do with the fact that you’ve watched the show countless times or because you’ve apparently had a whole life here before you “arrived”, you’re not sure. All you can do is go along for the ride, right? 

He rolls his eyes with his signature smirk. “Sure. As long as you get some rest now.” 

“You heard him, boys.” You shrug, teasingly. 

One by one, each man files out after giving you some sort of well wishes. It’s incredibly sweet how each man cares for you, making you feel like you truly belong. You never had this sort of connection with people in your other life. 

When they leave, you lay there for a while, listening to the low hum of the cruiser, still unable to believe that you’re actually here.

You’re in Star Wars… Wow.

The urge to get up and explore is strong. But you promised Kix that you would rest. And you can only assume you’ll be back on Coruscant soon, so there’s no point in upsetting him. 

But still… you’d be lying if you said a part of you wasn’t afraid to go to sleep here… Will you be transported back into your other life? Or perhaps worse?

You lay there for a while, staring up at the durasteel ceiling as Kix comes in with a data pad. 

“Oh, you’re awake.” He comes to the edge of the bed.

You sit up, crossing your legs. “I’m afraid to go to sleep.” 

He nods, understanding. He and Rex are the only ones who would. “I made up this data pad for you. Information about you before you kinda popped into your own life here. And, your bag of clothes. There should be some civies in there.” 

“Civies?”

“Non military clothes.” He chuckles.

He hands you the data pad and the bag, and you take them, touched at the gesture.

“Thank you, Kix. This means a lot.” 

“I just… I have one question.” He murmurs. “How do you know what’s going to happen? You never said.” 

You sigh, knowing you weren’t going to be able to avoid this question forever. “This is all a television show where I’m from.” 

“Television?” He looks confused.

“Um… I think they’d be called like holo-shows here?” You try to make him understand.

“Why would anyone want to watch a ‘show’ about us?” He laughs.

You laugh with him. “Lots of people do. Lots of people care about the clones in my reality.”

He sits next to you. “Thank you.” 

You nod and the both of you are quiet for a moment.

“Would you like a tour?” He grins.

“I thought you’d never ask.” You clap your hands together, excitedly. 

Kix lets you run to the bathroom, apparently they’re called freshers, so you can change. You put your bag up on the counter and look inside. Sure enough, there’s a couple pairs of nonmilitary clothes that are your size exactly. 

It still all feels… surreal. 

You try not to dwell on it too much, afraid that you could accidentally go into what Kix called a mental breakdown a few days ago.

A few days… that’s how long you’d been knocked out here. It had only felt like moments…

Snap out of it. Get dressed. Think about something else. Literally anything else. 

Rex comes to mind instantly. Someone who’s given you a sense of calmness in this massive storm. You can’t wait to see him again, you think to yourself as you get dressed and then exit the fresher, finding Kix looking down at his own datapad. 

“Ready.” You smile softly.

He looks up at you, his smile matching your own. “How do you feel?” 

“Better.” You nod. 

“Good. Come on.” He nods towards the door and you follow him out into the hall.

As you walk down the long halls of the cruiser, you can’t help but stare at almost everything in awe. Kix points out the barracks, the mess hall, and the other medbays.

“You know, it might help if you at least try to act like you’ve been here for the last couple years.” Kix teases. 

“I know, I know. It’s just… I’ve dreamt of this moment for… so long.” You confess. 

“So you were… what do they call them?” He snaps his fingers playfully. “A fan?” 

You playfully bump your shoulder into his. “Shut up.” 

“I would ask who’s your favorite but it’s pretty obvious.” He teases again.

“Yeah. Obviously Fives.” You shrug with a smirk as you look in each room in the hall. 

Kix laughs and then looks down the hall. You follow his gaze and see Rex, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Ahsoka Tano coming this way toward you and it takes everything in you to keep it cool. 

You’d already seen Anakin the first day you were here, but now… it’s different. You know you’re not dreaming, and it feels more real.

It truly is like seeing a celebrity. You’ve looked up to these characters- people for so long. And now, here they are in front of you. Life truly did not prepare you for this moment. 

“Generals. Commander.” Kix nods. 

“Kix.” Anakin nods and then murmurs your name. “How are you feeling?” 

“Much better.” You nod. “Uh- General.”

Kix and Rex share a knowing smirk.

“We owe you a thanks for figuring out that Master Krell was working against us.” Obi-Wan tells you.

You nod again. “No problem.” 

“You know, you might be in the wrong profession.” Anakin chuckles.

“I agree, it seems like you could’ve made quite a career in espionage.” Obi-Wan compliments you with a half grin.

You laugh. “Well if there’s anything I can do for you… just let me know.”

“We will.” Obi-Wan nods and starts to walk away with Anakin.

Ahsoka gives you a wave and you wave back, still practically starstruck.

Rex stays behind and smiles down at you. 

“I’ll see you guys tonight at 79s.” Kix grins and walks away. 

For being told he was part of a tv show, he sure is handling the news well. Probably better than you would. 

“Hi.” You smile up at Rex. 

“Hey there.” He nods for you to follow him. “I want to show you something you’ve not seen yet… personally, at least.” 

“Lead the way.” You follow beside him, unable to hide your smile.

Does he know you’d follow him no matter what? You chose this life not only to help save this galaxy from Palpatine, but also for Rex.

“How are you feeling?” He asks, softly, glancing down at you as you walk.

“I’m feeling a lot better.” You promise him.

It’s true. You don’t feel exhausted for the first time in a really long time. You feel more awake. 

“I’m relieved to hear that.” He tells you. 

You don’t realize where he’s taking you until you get to the flight deck. You look at all of the starships, gunships, and walkers, still unable to believe your eyes. When you walk up to one of the walkers, you feel along the side of it, the cool durasteel making you smile. 

When you look back at Rex, he’s giving you an amused smile.

“What is it?” You ask, taking your hand away, self-consciously.

He shakes his head with a shrug. “You’re like a breath of fresh air.” 

“Was I not before?” You tease.

He immediately becomes flustered, trying to figure out what to say. 

“I’m just kidding.” You grin. 

Rex lets out a sigh of relief and nods for you to follow him. 

“This is what I wanted to show you.” He walks up to the ray shield and that’s when you see it. 

The dancing blue hues of hyperspace. Your lips part and a small gasp escapes as you grab onto Rex’s arm, unable to look away from it. You're feeling something so profound that words just can't convey. 

“Oh my god. It’s even better than I imagined it would be.” You think you practically have tears in your eyes. “It’s so beautiful.”

“Sure is.” Rex murmurs. 

Except he’s not looking up at the hyperspace lights. He’s only looking at you.

TAGS: @twistedstitcher27 @rebel-finn @rexandechosandwich @madameminor @dumfanting  @corona-one @tecker @ladykatakuri @brynhildrmimi @the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond @zoeykallus @maulslittlemeowmeow @littlemousedroid @arctrooper69 @rexxdjarin @padawancat97 @hated-by-me @sleepingsun501 @idledreams @redheadgirl @themcuwriter @ashotofspotchka @sunshinesdaydream @crosshairsimp73 @ariadnes-red-thread @rosmariner @heyitsaloy @starstofillmydream @high-ct5555 @echos-girlfriend @sleepywych @nekotaetae @justanothersadperson93 @aconstructofamind @book-of-baba-fett @chopper-base @palliateclaw @501st-rexster @dead-poolz @nahoney22 @where-is-my-mind-tho @jediknightjana @erishimoon @witching3 @queen-of-many-fandoms @wizardofrozz  @burningfieldof-clover @rebelsriley