#maybe i'll bring it up in therapy someday

[bakedcrossaintt]

random splitting from interests

do you guys also sometimes experience a random minor event regarding your current hyperfix that makes you just completely split from it for a while? I've had this multiple times now, for example when i was very very into Devilman Crybaby i heard somewhere that it played in the same universe as Neon Genesis Evangelion, which i then told a friend who was very into NGE, to which he replied "what? no it doesn't, also Devilman Crybaby is lowkey ass" or something like that. For some reason that small interaction flipped a switch in my brain that made me immediately unable to interact with my previously so beloved hyperfixation without feeling an extreme sense of guilt, disgust and embarassment. I seriously could not ever engage with it again after that.

This has happened to me SO many times, mostly bc somebody else said something slightly negative abt it or because some small thing about it changed, like an update in a game. Does anyone else have any experience with this? might just be some weird adhd or autism side effect, honestly i have no idea

[greythemed]

𓂃 ♥︎ⴰ bloodhounds . kim gun-woo

˚ TITLE 𓂃 ♥︎ⴰ how is like to date kim gun-woo. ˚ WORD COUNT 𓂃 ♥︎ⴰ 1775.

dating gun-woo was like listening to my love by justin timberlake but the difference is that he wouldn't ask you to be his love bcuz he's a shy boy and would act exactly like only by lee hi

holds the door for you EVERYTIME like it's not even funny how gentleman-ly this man is

first time meeting your family? gun-woo is bringing every dish his lovely mother is capable of preparing in one day because he wants to impress your parents so bad (especially if you come from money while he doesn't) like he is so scared he'll mess something up

LISTENS TO YOU! i think gun-woo would be a good therapy friend but an AMAZING healing-era boyfriend. like family issues? imma suffocate you so hard with my love that you won't need anyone else anymore babygirl.

late-night therapy sessions where you both trade one secret for one kiss because it's cute and vulnerable while laying upside down on your bed and w pinkies intertwined. and if something about the relationship (or smth the other did on the day) is bothering one of you, late-night calls are a MUST - no matter where you are or which time it is.

his only source of relationship advice are guilty kdramas he has watched during the pandemic (when he wasn't punching random henchmen lol) and woo-jin so expect A LOT of misunderstandings from this guy

like one time he thought it'd be cute to surprise you with flowers at your work because he saw it in one kdrama and wanted to do the same but completely forgot you worked at a morgue as a young autopsy so you were horrified for a whole week💀

buys you sweet snacks every time he goes out like it doesn't matter if he's BROKE, he'll bring something for you, and don't bother stressing he'll keep doing the same till eternity no matter what

miss here has a late-night craving? gun-woo is running to the closest store at the darkest crack of dawn to buy you your wish, even if you try to stop him "don't worry, love, i'll be quick" and proceeds to kiss your head while putting his green puffy jacket on and rushing.

honestly let’s talk about that. IT HAS TO GO AWAY. definitely going to be your first gift for him: A NEW JACKET. like give her a break gunwoo-ya, she's not goin' nowhere bestie ✊😔

your 'dynamic trio' is a little stressful at the start. i truly believe woo-jin would test the SHIT out of gun-woo's partner, no matter how much the boxer tries to prove to him you're no threat. like mister mayweather fan won't let you breathe the first time you guys meet, making direct questions like "what are your intentions with my babyboy right here? 🤨" or "if you're planning to leave him someday and brake his heart, i WILL find you"

super-protective woo-jin boyfriend mode is off the instant he finds out you're striving to be a doctor one day and help the world to be a better place and stars are starting to accumulate in your eyes while you talk. (he still threatens you sometimes tho).

after that the DOUBLE DATES' SEASON starts (because woo-jin also has his partner after all) and suddenly your group of friends consists of your boyfriend, your boyfriend's boyfriend, and another unfortunate third wheel caught in their bromance.

he's such a shy baby and you're such a social butterfly girlie so we might have some contradictions about where to go on date nights. like one week is staying in movie nights where you’re all cozy and gun-woo is sleeping at the first five minutes of the movie (“i swear it wasn’t on purpose babe🥺”) and the other is freaking museum rides and “i heard this new place at the mall is SO good we have to try it!!!!”.

but when it comes to physical activities? you’re SO done. like NO GUNWOO I DON’T WANT TO WAKE UP 5 IN THE FUCKING MORNING TO RUN AT THE BEACH WITH YOU😡😡😡. (he dreams of the day you’ll say yes).

watching? maybe. he gets all sweaty and sexy for you, i can imagine his partner just staying there in the corner wrapped in a cozy blanket and eating some snacks while he’s working the fuck out in the garage. like i got you bae don't worry! from right here🧍🏻‍♀️ . and he loves it. 

absolutely adores praising, especially regarding his physic or gym evolution and gets all shy when you do it because “really? have you been payin’ attention to me?🥺”.

really values traditional corny-ass attitudes like protecting your head every time you get out of the car, walking on the side closer to the street, holds hands so he literally doesn’t lose you (it happened one time, you saw a rainbow-y burrito trailer and went for it without even thinking), ladies first always, pays for food when you get out or buys you flowers.

after he and woo-jin took their part of the money, the first thing gun-woo did was open his mom’s café and buy them a house just like mister choi said. he started working out more and working on his physic to maybe try and win one more tournament but he ends up meeting you and your father and meeting so many new people that wanted to take him under their wing 😊.

he literally had to pick which sponsor he’d choose to run for the belt. he got quite famous for jumping two categories in one year and from then on gun-woo made a few winning his pro fights.

he did what he loved so you supported him, biting your nails every time he’d take more than one round to knock his opponent out and cheering with his mom beside you in her new apartment every time the fight ended.

you’re so his passenger princess. this man will be moving mountains to do what you want and he’s so good at it.

on days when he’s more clingy and vulnerable expect this tall man to be glued to you. sometimes when you can’t be reached he will just call you to hear your voice on your break from work and straight hit the gym to soothe his anxiety.

in death’s anniversaries, he’d be the same. would stay silent the whole day if you don’t talk to him because it’s so painful to remember what happened to them all in one day. so you need to be careful and engage him in soothing activities or just distract him respectfully. 

nsfw under 🤗

gun-woo is such a giving person and he wouldn't be different in his relationship. sexually speaking? this man doesn't know where to start. you guys end up having a real conversation about this because gun-woo doesn't know how to enjoy things where he's the benefitted one and only wants to give, give, give. its sick.

it doesn't help the man is fixated on eating you out too. like, honestly he'll die a happy man if it is between your legs. at first, you had to teach him a lot of things (you were basically his first everything, after all) and the boxer took that as a fucking challenge. picture that every night he'd be knocking at your door not even saying hello and going straight to business because "i want to do it right this time, angel. is this okay? am i making you feel good?".

*dies while writing this*

there is a gun-woo before ep.6 and another one after ep.6 and we all know it. but the thing he didn't change was his heart, right? so the boy that watched netflix kdramas with his mom after gym sessions during the pandemic while eating ramyeon is the same man that takes you to bed after a romantic date and not only DOESN'T rush you to do anything but also asks if you want him to sleep on the floor because maybe he'll make you uncomfortable?🥺 and he doesn't want that. (even though you've been dating for ages by now lol)

so when you glance at him asking “bae, what are you doing?” he is stuttering like “sleeping on t-the… floor?” “get your ASS back here mister kim imma teach you how to be a man😾”

honestly, he finds you SO funny that even during sexy time he’ll laugh at your jokes. like genuinely laugh and you’d consequently laugh at his reaction too and then sexy time is gone for the next 10 whole minutes till he shuts you up and goes back to business.

big boy up and down we've all been through that already, right? right.

sometimes it pisses you off that he takes everything so serious and it takes the sparkle away for you. but it’s because everything is so new to him that he feels like he has to be amazing on his first try and it infuriates you.

“you good?” he raises his head and looks into your eyes in confusion. “you’re doing it again, can’t you please just feel instead of thinking for once?” you question and his big round eyes make an appearance. “oh… i’m sorry”. and starts doing it right because in his head, that was also a challenge.🙄

gun-woo is a shy man. while i do not agree when i see people calling him a bottom, he’s not approaching you first babe get over it. gun-woo is the type of man that needs a little “it’s okay i want sexy time now pls” so his key is finally turned and the beast is unleashed. not saying he’s a freak because he’s probably a super traditional guy but you know what i mean.

that drabble i wrote? he needs your okay first to iniciate anything. my man could be busting his pants, fully hard n leaking and won’t even utter a word.

stamina>>> he's an athlete like c'mon

don't expect any replies from this man if you send him nudes in the middle of the day someday. boy will be BLUSHING the rest of his chores forever. and he won't have the heart to stare at you for a whole week if you don't approach him first.

you'd be all "lol you're blushing baby 🤭😆" and he'd be like "why did you do this to me?🥺🥺🥺 now i want you more for the rest of my life and forever".

you cannot say that this man doesn't feel like some of justin bieber's songs (specially company like ok i might have to make a playlist just about him)

i'm going to end this here and let y'all starve.

making a playlist about him after this for safety purposes. i could make this for hours and hours no joke, mom come pick me up pls i'm scared.

[auroraknux]

If it is okay to ask a second time: 🤲, 🎉 and 🧠 for the fanfic game? (if not pls just ignore this ask ;) )

Oh that's totally fine! (Barely anyone is sending anything anyway.)

--

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success?

If it gets a decent amount of attention, I guess. Lots of views, comments, and/or bookmarks. (Warmth and Safety once got recommended twice in the same Twitter thread, so I'd definitely consider that a success lol.)

--

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.

You didn't give me a character, so I'll just pick the Bros lol. I love the really common idea that Mario protected Luigi from bullies growing up. (The movie even seems to support this!)

--

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

Sure! I considered posting something from the eel scene rewrite (which I can still do if someone asks!). But instead, here's a snippet from the post-movie fic where Luigi and Peach bond over cake and trauma.

Please remember that this is part of an unfinished draft, and will get revisions when/if it's finished.

(For a bit of context: Peach has baked before, but it's been a long time since then, and she's very rusty.)

--

The timer dinged, shaking her out of her thoughts. She nearly forgot to use potholders when taking the cake out of the oven. Fortunately, she remembered before she could burn herself.

After the cake had a chance to cool, she tried a bite of it. It was crumbly, and fell apart at her touch. She frowned. What had she done wrong?

"Hey."

She whipped around, karate hands at the ready.

Luigi put his hands up. "Sorry, sorry! Didn't mean to startle you."

Peach relaxed. "It's fine." She smiled. "What brings you here? Where's Mario?"

"Mario's at his therapy appointment, so I'm by myself today." Luigi scratched his hand. "I'm…bored, I guess."

Peach figured it was more than that. She had noticed how the two were almost never apart. Apparently it had been this way since they were young, but they had become especially clingy after their adventure. Luigi was probably feeling anxious by himself. She could use the company anyway.

"I tried baking a cake today. It came out a bit…bad."

Luigi inspected it. "Hmmm…yeah, it looks a bit dry."

"A bit" was quite the understatement.

He stroked his mustache. "You might've used too much flour, or too little butter and eggs."

"Oh, was that the problem?" Peach smiled, an idea coming to her. "I have enough ingredients left to try again. Maybe you could help me this time?"

Luigi's face lit up. "Sure!"

Peach did genuinely want his advice, but that wasn't the main reason for doing this. She knew Luigi needed a distraction right now, and this seemed like the best way to do it.

The two set to work on the cake (after scraping the remains of the other one into the garbage). Luigi showed her how to properly measure the ingredients, and gave her other advice every now and then. Before long, they had another cake in the oven.

"Thanks for the help," said Peach. "Where'd you learn all of this?"

"My Ma. I've helped her out in the kitchen lots of times. I've always paid close attention to what she does. I want to be able to cook for me and Mario when we someday get our own place."

Peach smiled. She thought it was sweet how the brothers intended to stay together, even as adults. While she'd been raised alongside other children, she'd never had any siblings of her own. She wondered what it was like to have a bond like Mario and Luigi's. To have someone that had been by your side since birth, who understood you like nobody else. She was almost jealous of what they had.

"Thanks for letting me hang out," said Luigi.

“Of course. You're welcome here any time.”

The timer dinged.

Luigi grabbed the pot holders. "I'll get it!"

He opened the oven. His cheery face suddenly changed to one of terror. He screamed and scrambled backwards, bumping into the counter.

[stuckinamok]

☔

☔Is there a fic concept you have that you'd like to just explain and share because you're not sure you'll ever write it? If so, what is it?

Okay, so I did start writing this fic, but it's one that I doubt I will ever complete. It's kind of a crack-fic, but one I was semi-taking seriously... but also the plot is not too difficult for the readers to put together (some of the comments on the chapters picked up on the 'twists' super early, lol). Since I'll probably never jump back into it, might as well share everything here, haha.

It's called Boiling Gravity (I know I've shared it a couple times before, but not the entire plot).

The first couple chapters are posted on Ao3, but here are the plot details I wrote before getting into the actual chapters:

Backstory:

Stan Pines met Eda about 16 years ago and they had a small fling going on while Stan happened to be visiting the area. As soon as Stan finds out that Eda is a witch from an alternate universe (aka, The Boiling Isles) he immediately gets himself the heck out of there. He isn’t about to get himself wrapped into the weird multi-dimension voodoo crap his brother is obsessed with.

Regretfully, Eda is hurt by this, yet another rejection due to her being herself but her lack of communication skills… but something unexpected came about from it. She was pregnant. It was her explaining the Boiling Isles that she used as a way of leading up to the news about her pregnancy but… he left. Knowing the Boiling Isles was no home to any human, let alone half-human, she made the difficult decision to give up her baby for adoption. She left a token with her child that would give him a hint as to who his father was so that someday perhaps he could find him… but nothing about her. She had the owl beast in her, after all. There was no way she could raise a child safely.

Unknown to reader:

Eventually Stan loses his brother to the alternate dimension because Ford made the deal with Bill. Stan decides to dedicate his life to getting his brother back, just like in the original story of Gravity Falls.

However, the dimension that Ford ended up in? The Boiling Isles. Who is the Titan? It’s Bill. Well, sort of. Bill now has Ford under his mind control to make him believe that he is Belos. And yes, there was time travel involved because obviously. Additionally, because there is a secret door/portal to Gravity Falls, Ford under Bill’s control, discovers Hunter, Stan’s (and Eda’s) son. He takes him at a very young age and adopts him into becoming his nephew (already being so, lol) to do his bidding and the like, eventually grooming him to become The Golden Guard.

Present Time:

Stan has accidentally fallen into the bottomless pit that is in Gravity Falls but instead of falling right back out, he ends up in The Boiling Isles.

Plot of this fic:

Stan’s goals: to get back home. He has Dipper and Mabel to take care of after all, and also, of course, he needs to keep working on saving his brother.

Eda upon finding Stan: asks without asking about their son, to see if he knows where he is. Use Stan to help Luz get back to the human realm. Mostly, she is just frustrated because she wants to rescue Rain, her ex she actually cares about… but now she has this human she dated once to babysit. She is conflicted because he fathered their child she had to give up and now that she has the owl beast somewhat under control maybe she could have raised a child… but not with this jerk. She orders Hooty to do whatever he wants to him but Stan brings up their past and Hooty is immediately invested in Stan’s long backstory (aka his needed therapy session about his long life of conning and trying to save his brother and now he has his niece and nephew visiting and can’t get back…blahblahblah).

Hunter: Doing Belos’ bidding. Figuring out his crush on Willow (eventually). After discovering Bill mind-controlling “Belos”, his goal is to put a stop to him. He ends up kind of like Zuko, joining the hero gang after figuring out who the real bad guy is.

Bill/Belos: Causing Ford misery while simultaneously creating chaos and drama, while also dominating the witch’s realm as belos, getting rid of wild magic.

Luz: figuring out Eda’s romantic past and making the connection as to who Hunter is. Getting back home to the human realm with a way to go back and forth so she does not have to stay there permanently.

Ford: Go back to human realm but primarily freeing himself from the mind control of Bill.

Purpose of this fic:

Sharing interactions of Eda/Stan, Eda/Hunter, Stan/Hunter, Hunter/Luz, Hunter/Willow… but mostly Stan’s interactions with all of the characters in the boiling isles. Stan and Eda do not end up together in the end but they come to a mutual understanding and respect for one another. Luz and Stan find a way (with Ford’s help after defeating Bill) to connect the realms so they can visit back and forth. Hunter is now fully initiated into the Clawthorne family (King is a little jealous, mostly because he still has not found his biological family and yet Hunter found his here in their house). Hooty teases Hunter about Willow, probably. Luz teases him about how she’s his sister now and he just has to deal with it.

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

if i can't get my disability approved, idk what I'm going to do. i'll have to move back in with my parents. and i think i would rather just die. bc i love my parents, but they fucked me up.

this got really long and kinda heavy, so i'm putting the rest under a keep reading thingy

i can talk to my mom about it somewhat. but not my dad. he'd never acknowledge that he could be the root of my anxiety. but living with him as a kid, i remember feeling anxious all the time. bc he was a drunk, and a mean one. he never hit us or anything. but he'd lose his temper and yell at us over the most minor of things. so i never felt 100% safe in my own home. and i can't ever bring that up, bc he'd refuse to accept any fucking responsibility.

i guess that's what therapy is for, but what does it matter? if i ever let out all the rage i've kept bottled up towards my family for my entire life, i feel like i would burn bridges, i would wreck relationships. and i don't want to be responsible for that. i've bit my tongue and folded into myself and just avoided any real meaningful connections with anyone outside my immediate family.

and where does the rage go, if you can't let it out? you hold it inside yourself and ignore it and push it back until you implode. or until it feels like this thing inside you with razor sharp claws and teeth that eats away at you, and it hurts.

i never thought i'd make it to 36.

i always believed that someday i would just...break. that i wouldn't be able to handle it anymore, and i'd just take enough pills that i would die. sleeping pills was the plan. it seemed so peaceful, like you could fall asleep and never wake up. i just wanted to do it a way that there was no pain.

jfc, idk what i'm doing. treating tumblr like a goddamn confessional. i'm going to bed. maybe tomorrow i'll be able to find my meds and can actually do...anything

[blooddrinkingbartender]

Russell also turned his eyes back towards Jonathan then. He still didn't know how he felt about all of this. Being in a small room with two vampires was not ideal. But one had never attacked a human and the other looked like he hadn't gone completely off the deep end yet.

And surely, if they were going to kill him, they would have done it already. He couldn't fight one Ekon on his own, let alone two. They wouldn't have wasted time trying to talk to him and get his trust first, right?

But then he reminded himself to listen. At the mention of hypnotism, a shiver went up his spine. That Lord Enigma found a way to make it creepy in his performances.

"Uh... only um, he heh, seen, seen it in like, stage, stage performances," Russell said, "Not in the, um, uh, medical sense? Th-therapy? Not uh, heh, not seen it, heh heh heh, done like that."

He swallowed. Perhaps it would have a hand in bringing back who he was. There was also that concern that maybe he had been truly terrible person before arriving here, and that this meant to be a second chance without looking back.

No, he would have to face it someday. Better sooner than later.

"I uh, heh, I guess I, I can, can give it, heh heh, a, a shot."

"You're doing that awkward fake chuckle you do when you're worried about something," Bill observed then, "Yes, I know about that too, because I knew you. But something about that is worrying you, clearly."

"I uh, um... don't really know what, what to expect from it, I uh, heh, I guess... but you know, I uh, heh, said I'll, heh heh, I'll give it a try. I, I won't know unless I uh, heh, I try, right?"

@vampyrs-and-witchers

{At the mention of getting Russell’s once lost memories back, Jonathan perked up with a nod. He’d almost forgotten.} “Have you heard of a thing called ‘hypnotherapy’? While it’s not of the traditional medical practices, it’s been studied in the field of psychiatry to help those with deep-seeded trauma and memory loss to help them uncover anything that the individual may have forgotten or suppressed. It’s worth a try if you’re willing to go through it - though I will advise you, it’ll only work if you’re one-hundred percent open to trying it.

[thepetiteninja]

Welcome to 2024

Hello again!

My most recent post was from 4 years ago. And so much had happened since, so I guess it's time for another update. I'm writing this for me who will be reading this entry after a few years, maybe when I remember to dig up my old tumblr account again just because I felt like reminiscing.

So anyway, I'm turning thirty this year. That hasn't sunk yet because more than anything — I'm getting married this year too. It's still to the guy I have been writing about years before. We're turning 9 years this 2024, and are tying the knot this October. He proposed to me two years ago. On top of the Singapore Flyer, 11.11.22. Damn, what a date.

But the past few years weren't all about butterflies and happiness. These past few years were actually some of the worst ones of my life so far. I'm in debt. But fortunately on a good payment plan now that I haven't missed. I risked a really good job to pursue hosting full time — that only lasted for 3 months. Then shifted industries because I wanted to still give myself a chance. And so now I'm still hosting but for e-commerce livestreams. Got promoted twice in a year. I'm now a trainer. But I still do copywriting on the side because it makes good money. At least now I've flipped it up. Doing my passions full time then writing on the side. I'm tired though, to tell you the truth.

Mind-wise, I'm confident. I know what I can bring to the table and what I'm capable of. I don't second guess myself too much now. I still work hard and multi-task. I know my worth. I know my strengths. I learned my lessons well. I've been through difficult times and now I've gained stability. I know I'm ready to fly. In a smarter, more mature way.

Life-wise could be better. Because the wedding is right around the corner, everything I'm earning is being poured to it. So you can say I'm still living paycheck to paycheck after all the great things I take pride on. I'd like to think I've planted a lot of seeds that I'm just waiting to harvest soon. Hopefully the wedding turns out great, so I could finally enjoy the fruits of my labor completely. To be honest tonight, dinner was just a pack of pancit canton and cup noodles. It's petya de peligro and I don't know where to get tomorrow's fare to work. But I'll get by. After a day, salary's gonna come. I really hope it gets so much better soon.

So these things, y'know. It's entirely great but minutely terrifying. And every single time God proves to me that there's guidance from above. You won't believe how many conveniently unexpected blessings I've gotten over the past tumultuous years. I can't even comprehend how I've weathered through all the moments I worried about. But I'm here, sitting on my couch, safe, satiated, typing whatever comes to mind. It's these reflective, peaceful pauses that makes you realize that despite the chaos, I'm actually okay. Barely breathing but pushing on.

I'd like to think future me who would be reading this somehow, someday, would look at me and say: "just wait, it's going to be better". Because I would be saying the same thing to myself who started this blog 10+ years ago. It had gotten so much better. Crazier, but better. I wish future me would say, "babe, we're a millionaire". But more importantly would love her to say, "we still love what we do". No matter what that looks like.

So there. I think that's an ample update about how I am now. And hopefully in a few years tumblr would still be here so I'd be able to read all this again. It's a good self-therapy shit. And also I just missed writing my thoughts like this.

Ok, I'm just rambling now. Until the next update!

[everydayofmystruggle]

5th March 2023

Thought i'd actually start documenting everything related to my food habits. I have some stuff I have written since it started. Maybe one day i'll add them here. Maybe not.

My relationship with eating and food is currently at the worst it has ever been. Writing it all out is a kind of therapy for me. Maybe it will actually help me, or even someone else someday. I do hope so.

I'm such a private person, maybe too much so sometimes. The thought of anyone finding out that I am struggling so much is my worse fear. I don't really know why I'm so emotionally inept, and so fear letting anyone see my feelings. That's a whole other therapy topic for another day. Now onto my eating.

I don't like the phrase 'Eating Disorder'; I can't imagine anybody does. But if I'm being totally honest with myself, in the past month, my poor relationship with food has definitely developed into one. It seems to be a mixture of many; either that or I just haven't settled into one or another yet.

For as long as I can remember, i've wanted to lose weight. Honestly, years. At least a decade, maybe longer. I've always been average- never truly overweight, but big enough to never be considered thin, or to be comfortable in my own skin. I've always had flab and fat, body parts i've wanted to change. I've gone through many diets through the years- the classic cutting foods, restricting, exercising lots etc. They've never really worked. And by this I mean I have never stuck to any of them long enough to notice a difference.

This is where my relationship with food comes in- I love it. Or, well, I did. I feel that because I have always enjoyed food, my periods of dieting/ restricting just crash and burn with a binge when I realise I can't resist for long. I don't think I ever had BED per se, but it definitely seemed like an abnormal, not so good way of eating.

This cycle has gone on for years- with myself never really being able to resist a binge, never strong enough to not give in to urges or cravings.

In the past, I had thought about all this, but not really enough. I have always been aware of EDs- I'm aware that the type of person I am means I research anything and everything. Bulimia for example, I had considered, if that's the best way to phrase it. I'm pretty sure there were a couple of times in the past I had given a half-hearted attempt to purge, but never bothered to actually do it.

Until last year, I had almost a phobia of throwing up.I hated it. Even the thought of it gave me such anxiety. Hah. To think where I am at now compared to even a year ago is insane.

So, past attempts at puring after a binge were always half-assed as I could never actually bring myself to throw up, and just felt gross. This all changed this year while I was away abroad. I can't pinpoint exactly when or how it happened, but something in me changed.

I spent a chunk of time travelling abroad, and I absolutely loved it and want to go back. I spent Christmas and the New Year with new friends, and was eating without thinking about any of it. We were eating big full meals, I was going out my way to eat ice cream, or extra slices of pizza for lunch. Just generally having a good time and enjoying my food. Sometime after that it must have clicked that I needed to lose a bit of weight, and should probably start watching what I was eating a bit more. I think a big part of it was knowing a friend from home was meeting me out there in a few weeks, and I didn't want to be fat with her.

I remember consciously chosing to not get ice cream a couple times, and trying to not each big lunches. As soon as I was back to travelling alone again, I started to eat less. I'd eat cup-a-soups, Granny Smith Apples, Ritz Crackers and cheese slices. These became my staple travelling foods. After eating like this for just a couple of weeks, I noticed that I was actually losing a bit of weight. This gave me a massive confidence boost, as well as motivation to keep going.

I stayed eating this way up until I met up with my friend, and we spent three days on an island with all our meals prepared for us. Already here after just a few weeks, I was worrying about eating. I remember thinking about the food situation the whole time.

Afterwards, I was planning to get straight back to my cup-a-soup diet. The turning point came when I spent one night at a hotel airport before travelling to another area. I had no time to shop for food and so ordered a Pizza Hut. I think even when ordering I was already starting to consider trying to purge afterwards, but wasn't 100% convinced i'd be able to. But after eating it all- a pizza and bolognese pasta bake, and feeling the post-binge cringe, I said to myself I would sit by that toilet for as long as it took to get it back up. And that was exactly what I did. It was gruelling; it took absolutely ages, it made me sweat, cry and cough a ridiculous amount. But it was the first time i had ever been able to make myself throw up, and it felt like an acheivement.

It was like a switch had been flicked. A new possibilty had been unlocked. I now knew I had the ability to get rid of a load of food after eating. Now, I'm not foolish, not completely anyway. I knew this was a dangerous game to play, and knew I should set some ground rules to myself there and then. I told myself this was to be a last resort option, for when eating a lot was unavoidable. But even while thinking this, I was also mentally planning how I could practice and get faster and quieter. I was treating purging like a new skill to be improved upon.

It's silly. I know how dangerous making yourself throw up is, both short and long-term. But instead of trying to stop, I found myself googling mitigation methods. How to lessen tooth damage from stomach acid, and what foods are the easiest to get back up. Yikes.

Anyway. After that first night, I went back to my Ritz and cup-a-soup diet again for the next few weeks. The next time I purged again was completely intentional. I was craving a McDonald's burger, and so rationalised in my head that I could eat it then throw it back up. It would satisfy my craving, and serve as practice for my technique. So i did just that, munching on some extra chocolate for good measure.

I think the first time I really reflected on my new view of food was on my flight home again. I was given two full on meals, and felt like I had to eat them, so I did. Then tried a few times to purge it up in the plane toilets. I think I got some up, but the small space and the anxiety of someone hearing got the bette of me and I gave up. Looking back, that was a low point. Squatting in the toilet of a plane, trying desperately to vomit up cauliflower soup while hoping no one was outsidee the door and could hear me.

Since properly being back home, it's gone from bad to worse. The first few times I purged again was after unavoidable eating- meeting friends for dinner a couple of times etc.

I have still been restricting, but in my own home with access to food it's easy to get tempted. I think while I was away and busy all the time, I was more distracted from eating. I want to get back in that frame of mind, where food and eating doesn't take up so many of my thoughts.

This past week has been particularly bad. From Saturday to Friday, I purged every single day. It started when a friend stayed at mine Saturday night, and we ate out lots. Being re-introduced to food like that again has messed me up. I'm now having cravings again and I hate it. I hate wanting food.

I threw up in a Nando's toilet one evening, and then later in Krispy Kreme. I'm not even ashamed. The whole time while eating the meal, I was planning my trip to go purge. I was intentionally drinking lots of water while eating. The same goes for the following day when we ordered food to the house.

As for the rest of the week, I can't even remember why I purged most of the days. I think first when I snacked a little too much of an evening. One of the days I was craving pizza, so ordered Pizza Hut with the intention of purging after. This sort of stuff is what makes me wonder if i'm more bulimic or anorexic. I guess it doesn't really matter.

When the pizza arrived, I decided to try chewing and spitting the food, and then purging the little amount I did eat. I can't lie, C/S did satisfy my craving nicely. It's just hard to say how much food I actually took in from it. I have managed to overcome a few cravings since then, to which I am quite proud, as I was hungover and could have easily given in and ordered food.

Oh, after a night out on Friday, the first thing I did when I got in to my hotel room was try to throw up as much as I could. It's mad that even when I was that drunk, it was still at the front of my mind.

Today I threw up again. For stupid reasons. All I had eaten was soup and some side bits, but I wanted a Belvita, and somewhere in my head I could only justify it by purging first. I'm going to try and stop doing it this frequently, beacasue it really will be a one-way ticket to every nasty side effect. I just need to work on my cravings and binges. Maybe I need to rid my house of any foods like that. I dunno.

My number one fear is definitely anyone finding out about any of this. I am forever lying about eating or what I have eaten. I laugh at jokes about eating disorders as if there's no way I have one. I am a good liar, am good at hiding things, so I don't doubt that I will successfully hide this from people.

I guess i'll keep writing this all down for as long as necessary. Currently, I have no intention of gaining a normal eating habit. Maybe it's bad, but I don't really care. I'm losing weight and I love it. I weigh around 63kg at the moment. I can see and feel where I am starting to look slimmer and I love it. This is why I don't really try to stop, and why everything revolves around eating less. I do want to not purge as much as I know how bad it is. I'd rather focus on restricting than bingeing or purging.

I like to think I have some control, but it's been a month and I already feel it slipping. Maybe writing this down is the first step to reclaiming some.

I like to think that one day, I will be happy both happy with my body and not focused on food/ eating so much. I hope the time comes, beacause as much as I am focusing on this to lose weight and lool the way I want, it is exhausting. It's all- consuming, and a constant battle. It's a battle I am happy to be in right now, but I hope to not always be in it.

<3

[dragongutsixofficial]

Oooh thanks for the tag @ninadove ! 💙 The challenge is the following :

"List the first lines of your last twenty stories. See if you can find a pattern."

Same as you, I don't have twenty stories lying around, so Imma be picking from my google doc and probably mostly from what I call the "Hresvelg siblings snippets", that I add to whenever I have an idea.

Info : Adel is the last Hresvelg sibling and is the proud dad of his wyvern Mirabelle. Meanwhile, Siyn is my Bylethsona.

Without further ado, let's go !

Edit: it's not putting spaces when I put them. I do NOT know why.

1- Siblings bonding time

As they looked up at the setting sun and at the eagles circling up in the sky, they sat in an amazed silence before the beauty of their imperfect world. 

" Hey. Let's make each other a promise. "

" Sure. "

" What's it ? "

" Once this is over… Let's all go to therapy." 

"Oh you bet." 

"Most definitely." 

2- Typical Loki fashion

"They're missing out on one of the most amazing persons ever."

"Who's that ?"

"Me, duh."

3- Karaoke night

"I don't know the lyrics to that song", the teen muttered under his breath.

"It's a prayer, Loki. We're in a cathedral."

"I personally wish I didn't", Adel smiled and kept chanting along. "It's always "Something something goddess", "Something something Sothis", and how you should never throw a revolution against the Church. "

4- Mirabelle

"I was wondering though…" Siyn considered as she gently scratched the wyvern's neck. "Why'd you name her Mirabelle ?"

"Bold of you to assume I think before I act, Professor."

5- Cookie ?

"If one more person dares tell me, "revenge is baaaaaad" and "you're young, you don't know what you're doing", or "you'll regret it later on, trust me, I've got absolutely no clue what you're going through right now, but I'm an adult so I must know better right ? ", I'm going to commit first degree murder. Revenge won't make me feel better or bring back what I lost ? Yeah no shit Sherlock, but maybe, just maybe making you shut up for a damn second will bring me a few seconds of well-deserved peace Karen." 

Aline looked at him with a soft smile as she poured him a cup of chamomile tea.  " Do you… Want a cookie ?"

" Yes. "

6- Releasing pressure

"Here's where I wanted to take you", Adel smiled as he helped him off the wyvern.

Loki perked around curiously, taking in the sight of the starlit deserted hills that surrounded Garrech Mach.

"It's beautiful", he softly spoke. "Thank you for taking me on this ride. When did you start coming here ?"

Adel pondered. "I'd say about a year ago ? There's few places as quiet as this around here, and I find that it helps me unwind, take off the pressure. Wanna know how ?"

The teenager smiled curiously. "Sure."

"I scream into the void at the top of my lungs for however long it takes for me to feel better."

"You what now ?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-"

7- Defying gravity

"I like gravity. It's really neat for all sorts of things."

"What the hell ? I hate gravity ! It sucks !"

"Well of course you would dislike it, you're a Wyvern Knight."

"Yeah, I'm not a fan of the feeling of impending doom when I'm plummeting to my death."

"Then don't fall to your death. Gravity won't do you anything if you're prudent enough."

"Oh, thank you, Sherlock. What makes you so keen on gravity anyways ?"

"I… Well what would the world be like without it ?"

"Amazing."

"No, it'd be f*cking weird, I tell you what. Would you want to float 24/7 ?"

"YES. Yes, I'd love that."

"... What the hell is going on ?"

8- Pancakes

"Do you do that often ?"

"What, kill people or make pancakes ?"

9- Loki hoarding clothes

"I fully plan on hoarding all of your possessions. I've already got your boots, and Edelgard's gloves. I'm on the way to achieve the classiest of looks."

"What's next ?"

"Someday, I'll get Edelgard's horns."

10- Draft of Loki and Hanneman's support convos

Hanneman: In fact, I would like to study the effects of your Crest on your person. Or rather… The lack thereof.

Loki: That's an interesting way to say that I'm weak.

[...]

Hanneman: How about this spear right there ? Your brother could snap it in half while he was training there at the monastery !

Loki: I… Can't even imagine how anyone could do that.

11- Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-

12- Missing you

"Solon was your instructor for many years", Arundel says with a scrutinizing stare. "His death must come as a shock to you." 

The child looks up at him from his book and brings one short strand of black hair behind his ear. "I am devastated", he says in a deadpan voice, and goes back to reading. 

13- An Imperial visit

"You unearthed our father's body." The Empress said with a cold, but mostly just shocked expression, as she stared down her two older siblings- covered in dirt from head to toes and stinking of death. "Do you know how disrespectful this is ?"

"Pfdfpfrpfftpfft-" Loki wheezed, then coughed into his hand to quickly hide the laughter that was threatening to break out.

"Where's the body ?"

They stare at each other, silently.

"... Did you bury him in the gardens ?!"

"Oh ! Goddess no", Aline interjected. You know these poor flowers deserve better than him. "

" Then what did you do with him ? "

Loki was starting to lose it.

"... You know count Varley ? " Adel tentatively asked.

" Of course I do. What has he got to do with this ?"

"Well… We talked a bit with Bernadetta and… Well… we sent him the decomposed body."

"We told him the Emperor was coming to visit-"

14- Aren't we all

The kid looks at her with his almost unnaturally wide and empty eyes, as if they were always widened with fear: but when he talks, it's with the same emotionless and automatic voice she's used to.

"... Kronya. You are insane, aren't you ?"

She smirks and looks back at him, leaning over the table and snatching his book away.

"Are you not ?"

15- Father-daughter talk

"Your mother wanted to be cremated." Ionius bent over and deposited the medium-sized, dark urn that felt heavy in her hands. Even holding it, sat in her bed, still made her every joint ache.

"..." She looked up at him, slowly. "What am I supposed to do with that ? I didn't come to her funeral, why do you think I'd want her funerary urn ? "

"I..." That old, pathetic man looked at her with hollow eyes. "I thought you might want to reconnect. Maybe keep it in your room."

Aline's jaw dropped. "What ? Just- leave. You're delusional."

"I'll leave you alone with her to take this in. I know the loss of your mother affects you more than you let on… you need that closure." He slowly rose up from the chair and, leaning on his cane, turned around to leave by the open door.

"Wait."

"Hum ?"

"Stay here… just a while longer", she said softly as she propped herself up on her pillow, her back exploding with white pain as she held back a cry.

"... Do you want to talk about i-" Was all Ionius could muster before an expertly thrown funerary urn made contact with his face, sending ash everywhere.

"FUCK OFF AND NEVER COME BACK AGAIN !!! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING I'VE EVER LOVED !!!"

16- On Loki and Edelgard

Maybe the reason they liked each other so much was because they recognized themselves as monsters; and in each other, they found the forgiveness they pretended they weren't seeking.

17- Character growth of a child soldier

Solon had to concede it to Thales, who seemed strangely proud: Loki didn't have anything to do with the small, scaredy kid he had been entrusted. The transformation had been radical. He had grown more efficient, more quiet, more observant. But most remarkable was the amount of confidence he had gained.

Some could even say he had become a little bitch.

18- Florem (Bravely Default)

The city of Florem was like a perfectly round and shiny red apple: incredibly appealing and appetizing from the outside, but slowly being devoured by a worm on the inside.

That horrid truth was something its inhabitants did their best to hide from the travelers that came from all around Luxendarc to visit the legendary city of refinement and pleasures, and most of the time, they were pretty successful at it. Any foreigner, upon approaching the outskirts of the town for the first time, would be struck by the overwhelmingly sweet scent of the quality perfumes the artisans of Florem were so renowned for. Lead by the nose to the central plaza of the city, where most of the stores were located, they would be entranced by the beauty of the place: its charming and colorful two-story houses with balconies bursting with local flowers, the care with which most of its inhabitants composed their attire, their dresses made with the softest of fabrics and the most intricate of patterns, sometimes accessorized with a fairy wing for an hairpin if someone felt fancy, their strong perfumes, the lights and the dense crowd of merchants and locals that left anyone being pushed around like a raft at sea.

For Braev Lee, Great Marshall of Eternia, the illusion worked like a charm, and the experience was absolutely exhilarating. It had been quite a few years since he had taken control of the duchy, and yet he had never had the honor to visit the Matriarch in person until now, neither had he had the chance to visit the legendary city that was rumored to be only populated with women. Especially not with his annoying right-hand man and best friend Kamiizumi to spoil the trip ! That reminded him, the Swordsmaster had been quiet for quite a while, and that could never be good. Turning around to look for him, Braev had to squint his eyes to search for the black head of hair amidst the dozens of people passing him by and bumping into him.

Thankfully, a natural hair color was as rare in Florem as it was in an art school, and he soon noticed him sat on the edge of a fountain, taking a well-deserved break. Rejoining him was no small feat due to the tremendous activity of everyone around him, but he could finally breathe as he plopped down next to his bro, and realized just how good it felt to stop running about.

“Hey, Nobotsuna. Thought you could escape from me ?” He teased with a smile.

“I gave up on that dream a long time ago”, the warrior replied with a flat voice.

19- On Aline and Hubert

"Don't play that game with me, Hubert. I saw you get your head stuck in a vase when you were five. You'll never be threatening to me."

20- Family feud

"I'm just saying. Everybody already considers Mirabelle part of the family. What's the deal in making it official ?"

Edelgard sighed, heavily. "Adel, we all appreciate her presence, that is a fact. However, she is just your pet. We can't officially give her the name von Hresvelg."

"Why not ? You did it for me", Loki whined.

"It was a different situation, and you know it."

"How so ?" He retorted, trying his best to put on a vexed expression. "I think it's the same."

Edelgard shook her head in bewilderment and turned to Aline, looking for some support. The woman seemed to be having the time of her life watching the feud between her younger siblings.

"Please tell them, Aline."

She thought it over for a moment, her eyes unfocused. Then, she smiled and nodded to herself, seemingly satisfied with herself.

"I just think you're a bad aunt, Edelgard."

---

Aaaand there we go ! =D it was fun to revisit those.

19 of them are from my Hresvelg siblings snippets, which I started as a way to develop my OCs' personalities, while the Bravely Default one is the beginning of the first chapter of a fic I've never continued. xD

So, what can we take away from this, apart from the fact that I've got a huge FE brainrot and a weakness for good siblings relationships in media ?

I think I like to have my fun and be a little bit sarcastic when I write. Not take it too seriously and putting my characters into what can be borderline absurd situations. Unsurprisingly, this is also a feature found in my favorite books ! ^^

Tagging (only if they feel like it ofc): @kanohivolitakk @crestofshame and anyone who feels like it !!! <3

[saintobio]

Hey Saint. I hope you're doing well and all being healthy and drinking enough water. <33 I'll be patiently waiting for your next update I hope you don't feel pressured into uploading for us readers or anything.

In the events of sn and sy you did a great job I have never been more heartbroken.I really want to bring all of those characters to a whole therapy session and hey it's a therapy session for everybody because you all need it. I feel everybody's pain in the story :((. Im torn between the sides and I'm staying neutral to it.

And aos yn such a badass I LOVE IT.

Thank you Saint for bringing me the reader so much comfort through your story even though its really bittersweet I love it i find comfort from angst.

-💜 anon

Anonymous said

OMG HELLO!! im really new to your blog (just found it last night!), and i just wanna say how i only wanted angst to make me cry not until i ran into ur blog and broke my heart T__T istg if it isn't satoru x y/n at the end of sy id be crying a whole new pacific ocean (+ snot on my face). your writing skills and your way of thinking on how to make these crazy twist that perfectly expresses each characters feeling is a GEM! please do keep up the good work even though you're gonna end up breaking us

Anonymous said

hi saint! i’m kinda new to tmblr so pls bear with me 😭 anyway saint, you’re one of the best writer i’ve could ever asked. i love your “sincerely yours” and “sincerely not” fanfic sm! u changed my perspective towards gojo tbh. also your “wasteland” fanfic got me crying for almost a day 😭

back to the “sincerely yours” story, why do i feel that y/n is the only one who suffered too much in this story? 😭 like pls give my girl a rest 😩 do some how hate yn?? like on the way u answers some of your questions ?? like i’m finding some positive answers abt yn but i kept seeing spoilers that might happen to her (bad things btw)😫xx i’m trying my best not to hate utahime but it feels like something going to happen between her and gojo 😭 JAJSJJAJAJA gemme your card number pls so we can negotiate !¡!¡ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA still, ynxgojo for me and I hope for you too HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

saint, thank you for making my heart happy, sad and broken. wish I could hug you. <333

last anon i’m up for negotiations HSHSHJ but aaah thank u so much for following sn/sy up til now even tho many factors have been affecting my writing progress for that series 🥲 i really wanna be able to finish the entire series someday, but for now thanks for all the love u guys give that fic <33 who knows mayb it’s gojoxyn endgame after all ,,, or mayb not :P

[kharti]

🎨📗 🤖 📚

(via fanfic writer ask game)

🎨 If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

GOD it changes depending on what i've written most recently. right now i am hot and heavy to see the Still Life threesome where Evelyn teaches Doug how to eat Mary out.

but i'd also die for Dread Pirate Stede, as well as Wedding Night Stede from In Over His Head…

and when I start posting the fourth story in Izzy's arc, I will become rabidly obsessed with Izzy and Buttons finally getting together after Izzy has finished his therapy with Evelyn.

📗 Do you want to write something outside of fanfiction? If so, what about?

fhfbdknd I've been working on-and-off on a novel for several years, but it's non-smut, so it's not exactly Of Interest to anyone who reads my fanfic, but maybe someday I'll work up the nerve to put the first book on Smashwords or something kjfgkfjg

it's aahhmmm it's a sort of desert fantasy based around the legend of Al Khamsa, the five mares from whom the lineage of purebred Arabian horses originate.

Sun, sand, wind, and water are the elements of life in the nigh endless expanse of desert known as ar-Rub Wafir. Among the shifting sands are five nomadic herds, all of whom follow the guidance of their matron Djinn in order to survive the harsh environment. Aisha bint Sahar belongs to the herd of Al-Seglawi, who follow the wind in search of precious gemstones and minerals. She has never known true strife or hardship, but a chance encounter will force her to step beyond the veil of her ignorance.

🤖 Are non-fandom friends aware that you write fanfic?

yeah, i'm not secretive about it with friends, and family knows i'm writing, just not what (i've always wanted to be a writer, so it makes my family happy to know i am writing after years of having a panic attack every time i opened a doc).

📚 Is there a fanfic or fanfic writer you recommend?

easy peasy, my bestie, my darling, my sweetheart, without whom i wouldnt be writing https://archiveofourown.org/users/Achilles_Is_Gay/works

i would also recommend your Nick/Izzy fics because they are FIRE and im not just saying that because you sent the ask ndndkdbf https://archiveofourown.org/users/Size_Monarch/works

there's also some members of achi and my's discord server (link in my pinned if you want to scream about OFMD with us), as well as a couple of my readers', that i would love to bring attention to!!

https://archiveofourown.org/users/fake_geek_boy/works

https://archiveofourown.org/users/reverseratatouille/works

https://archiveofourown.org/users/fruitbat5150/works

https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhGrim/works

[farfromsugafanfic]

Sutures - Chapter Ten: Amiodarone

Genre: Soulmates AU, Idiots to Lovers, slight Enemies to Lovers

Pairing: Yoongi/Named Reader

Warnings (chapter specific): family member hospitalization, therapy, angst if you squint

Synopsis: “A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” –Jean de la Fontaine

There was only one thing you and Min Yoongi had in common that night. You were both brokenhearted. You only intended to be together for one night, but when you both end up in the hospital the next day you discover that you are soulmates. It could kill you to be apart. As you and Yoongi attempt to sever the bond between you, will another be formed?

Previous | Series Masterlist | Next

The first thing you felt--before you opened your eyes--was Yoongi's white T-shirt against your cheek and the warmth of his skin beneath it. His arm was around you and his hand rested on the peak of your hip. You opened your eyes and looked up to see his hair splayed across his forehead and his lips pouted.

You smiled as you slowly removed yourself from Yoongi's arms. He stirred as you stood up and were away from his grasp, but he softly moved as he rolled onto his side and his arms reached for where you had once been. You could get used to waking up next to Yoongi every morning. Something about the way he missed you--even when he wasn't awake--made your heart swell.

You quickly pushed those thoughts away as you took two mugs from the table and flipped them right side up. While you were used to cheap hotels with packages of instant coffee and--if you were lucky--an electric tea kettle, this hotel, however, had a full coffee maker and a few coffee brands to choose from. You chose a brand you recognized and placed it in the coffee maker.

It wasn't long before the entire room smelled of coffee. As you were pouring the second cup of coffee, you felt a soft touch on your waist and turned to catch Yoongi's soft smile and messy hair as he reached for one of the mugs.

"Thanks," he said, his voice raspy and deep.

You nodded and took a sip of your coffee and sat down at the table, Yoongi soon following and sitting across from you.

"You like it black?"

"Yeah," you said. "My dad would always drink it black and when I was old enough that's how he made it for me. It just kind of stuck."

"Do you miss them?"

"Of course," you said. "It's hard when they're so far away, but I don't regret staying here. I can make a living here, more so than I could in the US."

"When did you see them last?"

"Around a year ago. Minki came with me and it was the first time he'd been to the US and the first time he met my family. They didn't like him that much. I guess I should've listened to them." You chuckled sardonically and took a large sip of coffee, creating a silence--while not uncomfortable--had a small bit of tension laced in. "What about you? You don't get to see your family much either, right? Being an idol and all?"

The question caused him to sit up straight and meet your eyes before quickly looking back down at the wooden table. "Uh, yeah, we usually see our families a couple of times a year. Usually towards the end of the year and then sporadically throughout. Some see their families more often cause they live near Seoul, but getting to Daegu is hard. We didn't always get along when I first moved, so it was hard for a while."

"Oh," you said. While all families fight and disagree, you couldn't imagine not talking to your family or not having their support. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said. "We've moved past it. It was a long time ago. We talk more often now and they really want to meet you."

You laughed, not sure if it was from the nerves of thinking about meeting his family or simply because the idea itself was laughable because you weren't in a relationship. "Why? I mean, they know what we're trying to do, right?"

"Yeah," he said. "They're convinced it won't work though. We're soulmates. We'll always come back to each other."

"It's worked before. Pairs of soulmates able to distance themselves and move on. I think we can do it."

"Yeah," he said, his words punctuated by sips of coffee. "Yeah, we can." There were a few moments of silence before he set his mug down and his eyes met yours. "So, I promised you a proper date, but after everything that happened yesterday, do you want to risk going out into the city?"

"Not really," you said. "I don't even want to leave the room. I want to see the city, but it makes me nervous just thinking about going back out there."

Yoongi reached across the table, his fingers brushing over the back of your hand. "I'll bring you back someday when we can properly wander the city."

Your stomach flipped. You knew it was probably just an empty promise and supposed to be comforting, but considering you had just talked about distancing yourselves from one another, it seemed unwise to promise, even something empty and trivial.

---

Two hours later and the two of you were laid on the bed, close, but not touching. Empty plates littered the bedside tables and each of you held a wine glass in your hand. You smiled as you sipped the deep red alcohol and felt as a buzz came over your senses. It wasn't unpleasant, just like a small vibration in your head. The same one that had convinced you to sleep with Yoongi the first time you met him.

"You're sure this isn't too much?" you asked, glancing down at the nearly three hundred dollar room service bill.

Yoongi laughed. "You really don't have to worry about it."

"It makes me feel bad," you said. "Will you let me pay for something later?"

"If it makes you feel better." His fingers glided over the skin of your left hand that rested on the bed, dangerously close to his thigh.

The couple in the movie you were watching kissed and you felt a stirring low in your stomach. It had been so long since you'd felt Yoongi's lips on yours. You knew he was feeling the same way, as he squirmed slightly beside you.

"You feel it, too?"

"Yeah," he said. "We need to try and resist it."

"Didn't the therapist say to try and get through it with mainly friendly things?"

"I think so."

His arm came around you and his skin felt like ice on a sunburn. You nearly let out a moan. You wanted to feel his lips on your neck and his hands on your thighs. The bruising way he grabbed your skin without leaving any bruises. How his hair looked pushed back and the way his lips swelled after even the softest of kisses.

"Yoongi, can--can I kiss you?"

"I don't think that's exactly friendly."

"Just one," you said. "It'll be less than we did last time this happened."

"All right," he said. "But, we can't let it go too far."

You nodded and shifted so that you faced him, the front of your body pressed into his side. His hand came to rest on the small of you back and his lips came to meet yours before you'd fully closed your eyes.

They were soft, like always. You could taste the red wine on his lips and the hesitation as he pushed the tip of his tongue into your mouth. His hand bunched the fabric of your T-shirt and your hands laced in his hair. You never wanted to let go.

Yoongi pulled away first, although his eyes were pained as he did so. He reached up and smoothed your hair back.

"Damn," he said. "If only I'd met you before Jihee."

"Yoongi, you can't mean that."

"Maybe if it was a different time, or if I wasn't an idol, I don't know, but I like to think there's a universe where we work out."

Your lips formed words you hadn't thought of yet when your phone vibrated on the bed beside you. You reached for it and saw it was your mom. It was nearing 9 p.m. in Los Angeles and your mom normally called you just after dinner. 

"I--uh--have to take this." 

---

You walked into the bathroom and answered the phone as you shut the door. 

"Mom? Hey, what's going on?" 

"Sumi!" Your mom's voice sounded panicked. "Are you still in Japan?" 

"Yeah, we're flying back to Korea tomorrow?" You paused. "Is everything okay? You don't usually call me at this time." 

"Well, I don't want to worry you. I want you to enjoy the rest of your time in Japan, okay?"

"Okay..."

"Grandma fell and is in the hospital. She broke her wrist and the doctors say her blood sugar was too low. They don't know what caused it yet, but they're going to monitor her for a few days." 

You nodded and already felt the tears forming in your eyes. Your grandmother was nearing ninety and you knew your time with her was limited, but she'd been the one to encourage you to stay in Korea and do what you wanted. She always knew and wanted what was best for you and you loved her more than anyone for it. 

"Okay," you said, your voice cracking. "Is there anything I can do?" 

"Call when you get back tomorrow. If she's feeling better, I'm sure she'd love to talk to you." 

"Of course. I'll call as soon as I'm back." You reached up and wiped the few tears that had managed to squeeze out. "Just keep me updated."

You heard a soft knock on the door as you hung up the door. You opened it and met with a soft-eyed Yoongi, his arms almost immediately coming to rest on your hips. 

"Everything okay?" 

"Uh. yeah," you said. "My grandma's in the hospital. It's not too concerning at the moment, I just, uh, get a bit emotional when it comes to her." 

He nodded and led you back to the bed. He didn't say anything else, just electing to keep one of his arms around your shoulders and turn the volume on the movie up. He handed you an unopened bag of cookies as if he knew it was exactly what you needed. 

---

A few days later

"So, how are things going?" the therapist asked, her notebook resting on her lap and her glasses slid down the bridge of her nose. 

"Uh, well, we get along better now. I-I think we understand each other better now. But, we've run into something a little more worrisome." 

"What's that?" 

"Well, we had a fight a while ago. I'm fairly close with his other members and one of them was trying to comfort me and when he touched me, I burned him." 

"Yeah, I also have a weird emotional attachment to her. Like, my emotions are tied to hers. If she's sad, then I feel overwhelmingly sad until she's happy again." 

You turned to Yoongi with your lips pursed in curiosity. "What?" 

"Oh, I thought you'd caught onto to that." 

You had noticed that Yoongi had seemed to understand you better recently. He was always there whenever your mood flatlined, you soon found Yoongi coming with a snack or a cup of tea. Sometimes he stuck around and sometimes he didn't, but he never failed to jumpstart your mood.

"Is this happening constantly or only after a conflict?" 

"I'm always tuned into her emotions. However, negative emotions always come through the strongest, whether caused by me or not." 

You felt him looking at you and it caused your cheeks to heat. "Oh, the burning happened twice. Once as we mentioned and the second time I burnt through another's T-shirt, but I didn't actually burn him." 

The therapist nodded and chewed on the end of her pen. "There aren't many precedents for these sorts of things, as you know, soulmates are rare. It's even rarer for a pair to decide they don't want to be together. The physical symptoms we've seen before were not that different from the ones you're exhibiting." She jotted down a few notes and flipped back to a previous page. "Now that you're exhibiting these symptoms though, it means that you've grown to the stage where we can begin to back off the connection.

"The only things you two need to do is to try and minimize the conflict between the two of you, continue resisting urges to the best of your ability, and we will be prescribing some medication. Since such a high profile soulmates case has come up, the interest in research recently has increased and so your medical treatment may change. So, you'll need to go in for a checkup in after about a week on the new medication."

"I have a quick question," Yoongi said. "My, uh, parents really want to meet Sumi. They know we're trying to break this and everything, but we have some time off and I was wondering if that would hurt things if she came with me to Daegu?"

The therapist shrugged. "I don't see why it would. It's perfectly fine for the two of you to act as friends and you have to stay together until the bond is completely severed. However, if something feels off during the visit, leave." 

You looked at Yoongi. He'd left you speechless for the second time during the appointment. He never brought up meeting his parents, only that they wanted to meet you. Your palms went clammy and you began to pick at the skin around your fingernails. You wished you'd brought your needles.

---

"You never mentioned actually meeting your parents," you said, carrying your prescription and ducking into the car before anyone could catch sight of you and Yoongi. 

"I didn't really think it was happening, but, I don't know. If we only have one soulmate, I want them to meet mine."

"Okay," you said. "I-uh-I just don't have much time to prepare." 

"What? Why would you need to prepare?"

"So they'll like me." 

"You don't need to worry about that, Sumi. They'll love you." 

---

Mom (3:45 am): Sumi!

You (3:47 am): Yes? Is everything all right?

Mom (3:49 am): Hey, isn't it early there? Shouldn't you be asleep?

You (3:50 am): It's all right. How's Grandma?

Mom (3:52 am): Oh, she's fine. She's getting discharged now. She's actually in fairly good spirits. You'll never guess what arrived this morning.

Sumi (3:53 am): What?

Mom (3:55 am):

Mom (3:55 am): From Min Yoongi. It made her so happy. Give him our thanks.

[miss-musings]

OK, here's something weird for all my fellow Ted Lasso fans: I had a dream the other night of a possible S3 story line for Jamie. (I already posted this on my Twitter, but wanted to share it here too.)

It would allow his character to realize there's life beyond football and give him a love interest who isn't Keeley.

So, early in S3, Jamie would sustain a pretty bad injury. One that puts him on the bench for several weeks if not months. This will create drama for Richmond as coaches try to find a suitable replacement on offense. Meanwhile, Jamie struggles with being where Roy was early S2.

Football is all he's ever known, and while he's only out a few weeks now, he realizes he will be Roy's age someday and he'll have to retire from the sport. What then?

During this time, Richmond brings in a special physical therapist/rehab specialist/whatever you call them to help Jamie get back to form as quickly and effectively as possible (bc everyone wants to avoid Jamie re-injuring himself).

She helps Jamie realize that lying about his pain (to himself and others around him) only slows the process. If he wants to heal, he needs to be honest.

Jamie really starts to respect and admire her (I'll just call her Sara) professionally and personally, and develops a bit of a crush on her. But, as he talks to Keeley or Ted or someone, he realizes it'd be unprofessional to ask her out while he's still her patient.

So, he holds off until he's back on the field.

When he does work up the courage to ask her out, Sara explains that she's been burned by patients/former patients in the past, bc of the terrible locker-room environment among some athletes. Plus, Jamie has a playboy reputation.

However, Sara believes that Jamie is being sincere, and wants some time to think about it.

They do hang out a few times outside of work -- maybe she buys him ice cream to celebrate his full recovery and return to the field.

As they do, their conversations reaffirm Jamie's idea that he should have a plan for when he has to retire from football (either bc of age or injury).

He doesn't feel like coaching is for him, and becoming a TV commentator would puff him up too much.

He feels like he could become a physical therapist/rehab specialist like Sara is and help people become themselves again physically. He tells her so in the finale, and she says he doesn't have to commit right away, that he still has time to figure it out.

He says he knows, but whatever he does, he wants to help people the way Sara, Ted and everyone else have helped him become a better person.

Then maybe they hold hands or something, and that'd be the last shot we'd see of them for the season/series.

Basically, the injury would be a wake-up call for Jamie. In S1, he always made fun of Roy for being old and slow, while Roy recognized that he used to be like Jamie when he was younger. Now, Jamie has to realize he'll be like Roy one day when he's older.

Giving him a love interest would help him move on from Keeley and find someone who could similarly push him to become a better person and act as a prompt for the last bit of growth he needs to complete his "redemption arc."

When we first met Jamie, he had a huge ego and didn't care who he hurt or how.

But, with this story line, he could further let go of his ego, and pursue a career that allows him to help others and a relationship with someone who holds him accountable (as Keeley said in S1).

Btw, the dream I had wasn't quite so detailed. It was mostly about Jamie learning to be honest about his pain during his physical therapy/rehab sessions with Sara (placeholder name).

But, I just wanted to share. Maybe it'll give the #TedLasso writers some ideas for S3. 😉

[eusuntgratie]

"I like this," Stiles says, leaning back against Derek's chest in their beautiful claw footed bathtub, filled to the brim with bubbles. He feels, rather than hears, the rumble of agreement from Derek. "Did you ever think we could have this?"

He doesn't expect a response, not really, but Derek never stops surprising him. It's part of why they work so well. Every time Stiles thinks he's got to the bottom of Derek, there's still more to discover.

"Didn't think I could have you," Derek says calmly, honestly, and they've come a long way on that too - on what Derek should think he's allowed to want.

"You always had me," Stiles replies, equally honest. Because he did. He really did.

Derek shifts in the water, bringing one hand up to rest on Stiles' knee. He strokes in small circles there.

"I think I knew that," Derek says. "But knowing and understanding are different things."

Derek's been in therapy for just over a year now, and it shows in the words he chooses. He doesn't talk like he hates himself anymore, and he is more careful to notice the good. Stiles wishes this was something Derek could have done years ago, but he had to be ready for it. Like so much of their lives.

"Yeah, they are," Stiles agrees. "Wanting you was easy - having you? It's sort of something I don't think I'll ever get my head around. Not because I think you're too good for me - well, maybe a little, but you were so unattainable. And things were so bad for so long."

"Now they're not,' Derek says simply. "They're not bad anymore."

Stiles leans back, trying to kiss any part of Derek he can reach. He manages a sloppy kiss to the hook of Derek's jaw.

"Sometimes I think about if one thing had been different, would everything be different today?" Stiles asks, and Derek presses a gentle kiss to his shoulder.

"Maybe. Maybe not. What matters is we're here now," Derek says, like it's easy.

"You're stuck with me," Stiles says, and smiles to himself.

Derek kisses Stiles' neck, causing Stiles to arch against him, water shifting around them with the movement.

"Nobody I'd rather be stuck with," Derek says into the skin of Stiles' throat.

The thing is, Stiles knows he means it. And how much that would have cost him to say once upon a time. Now it trips off his tongue like breathing. Stiles feels a surge of pride for his boyfriend.

Stiles shifts so that he's straddling Derek in the water. Derek's eyes darken instinctively as he looks up at him. Stiles looks down at slick wet skin and freshly washed hair and lets himself exist in this moment.

"You're something else, Derek Hale," Stiles says, and dips down to kiss him. He swallows Derek's reply, keeping it a secret even to himself.

A while later, the water is cold, but inside Stiles there's a warmth that can't be smothered. A surety. Someday, he's going to marry this man.

(you wanted bathtub content, I am here to provide)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[cosmictulips]

Yay another game!

So my name is Em. My big three are Libra Sun, Virgo Moon and Aries Rising. I’m single 🥲 and I pick the number 5.

Cant wait to hear back from you 👍🏻

OF COURSE THE CHILD OF APHRODITE WOULD PICK NUMBER FIVE OH BABBYYY IAM GETTING CHILLS

so number five :: a love letter from your future lover uwu.

this better be romantic or Imma just spiritually smack someone lmao

Hello My Love,

When we first meet, I'll probably not be on your good graces. and I'll have to work hard to bring myself back into your heart. I want you to know now to not take it too personally. I will be getting out a very rough situation, and the baggage I will be carrying will make me spiteful, angry and bitter.

Your soul will touch mine in ways that I stopped dreaming were possible. it will help me take off the crushing weight of what has burrdened me for many years. I know our souls have met before, and i know you'll be able to feel it to. in a past life. something so similiar and familiar, that it will feel like a warm embrace.

I will do anything to get back into your warm graces again. so please, just let me prove to you that I'm not just bitter, lonely and miserable. I'll even start to go to therapy just so I can prove to you that I won't take out my aggression on you.

I didn't mean to do it. you just took me by surprise. and I want to show you the better half of me. the healed version of me. someone you can be proud of. and You'll see in time, the vision that I see for us.

A future where we both are alone together, traveling the world. one where we are both vlunerable, apologetic and living life the way it is meant to be lived. I will sweep you off your feet faster than you can keep up. and a part of it will be guilt for how met and how I reacted to you.

We will release the past, heal the karma that our past lives brought to us, and maybe even someday, if you'd like to, I'd like to marry you. I'd have decided it the day I met you. and I'll spend forever long, until you decide. I promise to take care of you until the end of time.

Let me be at your side. I love you endlessly. Until we meet,

[pluckyredhead]

I'd love to pick a fic quote, but I'm on my phone so I'll just ask about the whole thing, OK? Private property, when Foggy finds out and Matt crashes.

Fic is here!

Matt had known Foggy nearly a decade now. He’d never heard him this mad before.

“You ever stop to think what would happen if you went to jail? Or worse?” he demanded. Matt tried not to cringe visibly. Everything hurt and he was so tired. They’d been here so long. “You really think that anyone would believe that I didn’t know what you were doing? You’re my Companion, Matt. I’m responsible for you.”

This is one of those things, like “All this time I actually felt sorry for you,” that Foggy never meant to say out loud. It’s less that he feels like he’s legally or financially liable for Matt’s behavior (although he is) and more that he sees his role as Matt’s patron as protecting him from people who would abuse Matt’s Companion status and enabling Matt to get out of that status, and (part of) his role as Matt’s friend as loving this sad, self-loathing orphan as much as humanly possible. But Matt, of course, takes it in exactly the worst way because he hates himself, and reads it as a) him ruining everything for Foggy forever, b) Foggy sticking around Matt out of obligation rather than affection, and/or c) Foggy being so angry at Matt that they’re no longer friends, just Patron and Companion.

Now Matt really did cringe. Foggy never pulled the Companion card; most of the time he acted like they weren’t in the Program at all. Why was he bringing it up now?

But Matt had already made his choice. “The city needs me in that mask, Foggy.”

Salt in the air again. It wasn’t the first time Foggy had cried since Matt had woken up. That didn’t make it hurt any less. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe it does. But I don’t,” Foggy said. Something raw and wild was clawing at Matt’s throat, working its way out. “I only ever needed my friend. I wouldn't have kept this from you, Matt. Not from you.”

“You don’t know that,” Matt stammered. “You don’t know that.”

“Yeah,” Foggy said, and the ring of finality chilled Matt to his core. “I do.”

Footsteps. Foggy was leaving. Foggy was leaving. Maybe he was going to call the Program right now to dismiss Matt, to end it, end everything they’d built together.

Matt couldn’t let him do it.

“Foggy, wait!”

Foggy didn’t stop. Matt tried to stand and fell back against the couch as pain shot through his abdomen.

Would Matt actually be able to stand when he couldn’t in canon? Eh.

But Foggy was still moving towards the door, and Matt’s terror was stronger than the pain.

“Foggy!”

He lurched off the couch, stumbled the few steps to Foggy and dropped to his knees in front of him, hands fisted in the hem of Foggy’s shirt. “Foggy, no, no, please, you have to stay.”

“Matt, get back on the couch.” Foggy sounded so tired.

I tend to emphasize how tired Foggy is when he and Matt fight in my fics because Foggy is normally such a peppy, high-energy character - and often the only source of pep in Matt’s life - and so making Foggy tired by his very existence makes Matt feel terrible. I like making Matt feel terrible. ;)

“Please.” Matt allowed himself the infinitesimal relief of pressing his forehead to Foggy’s hip, just for a second. “Don’t dismiss me, please, I’m sorry.” Everything hurt; his knees hurt, his side hurt, his head hurt. He didn’t care. “Please, I’ll be good.”

“Jesus, Matt, stop.” Foggy’s hands closed around Matt’s wrists and tried to tug them away from his shirt, but gently, carefully. “You’re getting back on that couch, and I’m leaving.”

Angry voice + gentle hands = A Thing for me, for sure.

“No.” Matt shook Foggy’s hands off and took a tighter grip. “Please, I’m sorry, I promise, I’ll…” He wasn’t going to stop fighting. He couldn’t stop. He had to offer something else. “Let me...please. I’ll show you I can be a good Companion. I know you want me, Foggy. I can...you can have me.”

Foggy made a noise like someone had let all the air out of him. “...What?”

“I can...here.” Matt let go of Foggy’s shirt and fumbled at his fly. “Let me...I’ll show you. Please, I’ll be so good for you.”

Yeah, so this sequence might be why I wrote the whole fic? I was just really hooked on the idea of Matt desperately offering himself up and Foggy being like what!! the fuck!!! and Matt being like why this no work??? :( Matt you are GOOD at seducing people when you want to be, stop bleeding and get your shit together.

Foggy didn’t move, apparently stunned, and Matt got the button open and the zipper down with trembling fingers. He nuzzled against Foggy and Foggy let out a sudden, sharp hiss. His heart was racing but he wasn’t hardening, and Matt didn’t smell the cocktail of body chemistry that meant arousal, just exhaustion and worry.

“Please,” he said again, and reached for the waistband of Foggy’s boxers to push them down, but Foggy grabbed his wrists again, more firmly this time.

“Matt, what the fuck?” he asked. He didn’t sound turned on at all. Why didn’t he want this?

Foggy is the most horrified, and Matt has no idea how fucked up this is.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Matt asked, aware that his voice was bordering on hysterical but unable to stop it. “Please, you can, I’ll do anything, just don’t dismiss me.”

Foggy recoiled, and Matt felt it like a slap in the face. “Jesus fucking Christ, Matt, no,” Foggy said. “Now get back on the fucking couch.”

Again, this is Foggy being like “What the hell, I’m not going to coerce you into sex while injured and terrified!” and Matt being like “That means you HATE me. :( :( :( “ Matt needs so much therapy.

Heart sinking, Matt let Foggy lift him to his feet and help him back to the couch. Foggy zipped up his pants and a wave of heat rolled off of him, a palpable blush, but no arousal. Matt didn’t understand. Did Foggy not want him anymore? Had he finally ruined it for good?

Yeah, among other things, this is excruciatingly embarrassing for Foggy.

He could sense Foggy standing over him - staring at him, probably, not that Matt could tell for sure.

“I’m not going to dismiss you, Matt,” Foggy said finally. “I would never do that to you. You’re as broke as I am, you’d default and end up in jail.” He shook his head. “Shit, maybe I should. Maybe you’d be safer in jail, where you couldn’t do any of this.”

Matt wasn’t broke - yet another secret, one he didn’t dare spill, not with Foggy so angry about all the others - but even if he had been, he didn’t care about defaulting. He didn’t care about jail. Didn’t Foggy know that?

He swallowed, and didn’t say anything. Foggy sighed.

“No, you’d probably come up with some way to get yourself half-killed even in solitary,” Foggy said. Matt heard the soft rustle of Foggy raking his fingers through his hair. “I don’t...God, Matt, I’m not going to dismiss you, okay? You don’t have to…” His voice was tight again. “Is that really what you think of me? That I would cut you loose unless you let me fuck you? Is that what you think we are?”

This is the moment that hurts Foggy the most. Matt is terrified of losing Foggy, not legal or financial consequences, but to Foggy this feels like Matt never trusted Foggy and never trusted the friendship between them. Now Foggy not only has to sort out how much of what Matt’s said over the years has been a lie, he has to sort out how much of what he thought was friendship was Matt sucking up to be a good Companion and not actually caring about Foggy.

Matt, of course, doesn’t consider his own friendship as something of much value, so his assumption that that wouldn’t be enough to keep Foggy around without sex at this point is about thinking very little of Matt, not of Foggy. But Foggy’s just entered a new level of Matt’s self-loathing and hasn’t quite figured out how it works yet.

And of course, Foggy would never in a million years dismiss Matt, even if they did stop being friends, because that would be an immensely shitty thing to do.

“I...no,” Matt said. He didn’t know what they were. They weren’t Patron and Companion, but they weren’t just friends either, not with this between them. “I’m sorry.”

Foggy sat down on the arm of the couch, the one by Matt’s feet. “I guess it was naive of me, hoping you didn’t know that I...how I felt about you,” he said after a long moment. “I always thought, you know, maybe someday when you’d settled your account, when we were on an even footing, if I told you, maybe you’d…I don’t know, maybe you’d trust me enough to know I meant it.” He paused. Matt wished he could see his expression. “But you were never going to trust me, were you? Not with your senses, not with the fighting. Not with anything.”

“I do trust you,” Matt protested, but it came out weak.

Foggy shook his head. “No,” he said. “If you did, you’d have told me. Like I’d have told you.” He stood up. “It’s fine. I guess it wasn’t fair of me to expect it, not with the Program and all. How can you trust someone when they have all the power?”

I tried here to hit a balance between Foggy being really, really angry and hurt, and also recognizing his own privilege in this dynamic. If he’d just stormed off like he did in canon, that would be hugely douchey - but understanding and forgiving immediately would be wildly unrealistic considering how upset he is. And even with the difference in privilege at play here, Matt has lied extensively to Foggy, put him in legal, physical, and financial peril, and said some extremely hurtful things, so it’s not like it’s unfair for Foggy to be upset. Foggy has a lot to work through, but this story is from Matt’s POV so we don’t get to see any of that. Sorry. :P

“Foggy, don’t…” Matt started as Foggy drifted towards the door.

“It’s okay, Matt,” Foggy said. “I’m not dismissing you. I’m not...we’re still Nelson and Murdock. It’s okay.” He gave a weary shrug. “But I need sleep, and so do you. I’ll...I’ll see you in a couple of days, buddy.”

And Matt listened to him leave.