#maybe i’m just tired . i dunno.
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#fire emblem heroes#feh#summoner katze#fire emblem awakening#child banner#chrom#robin(f)#robin(m)#emmeryn#Lissa#I’m not entirely sure about this banner#it feels too safe to me?#dunno#the robins in a child version of their standard coat kinda feels lazy to me?#dunno maybe just picky#emmeryn looks tired#am not sure about her face tho#I think it’s proportions are a little off?#letting a baby loose with an axe is incredibly unsafe#bad is#I kinda like the Duo?#Child!Chrom is surly but protective#but wth is up with his hands??
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will y’all still love me if i’m not active tonight 🥺
#ASDFGH#i’m kidding but i’m just straight up about to lose it#i don’t mean to vent#i’m just so very tired and agitated bc i can’t go one car ride much less one day without listening to this person in my life complain#i’m all for sharing your feelings and struggles!! i really encourage it bc it isn’t good to bottle all of that up#but it’s every day and all she talks about#it’s exhausting and on a day like today it makes me wanna just become a rock and do filler activities like playing a game vs productive#activities like writing and chores#i dunno if that makes sense and maybe if i just push myself i’ll make it on#but i apologize if i’m not around like i meant to be#get ready to ramble | ooc#tw vent
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holds head. WHAT IS LMBR WEEK EXACTLY???????????
#professor layton#!uselessreignshowersofthought#is it like…art??? or writing? maybe I’m just being stupid? I dunno. I’m tired. I need a nap.#⬆️⬆️⬆️ CLIVE STOP GETTING WORKED UP OVER EVERYTHING RAHHHHHHHHHHH
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kinda funny when ur brain’s gut instinct is repression so you just kinda watch while your stress and emotions get bottled and corked and the whole time ur just like “that is going to bite me in the ass so bad later but i can’t seem to open the damn bottles without getting glass everywhere so! guess we’ll wait”
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- not super but this is more negative than i like to be#sorry folks i’ve been mental illness posting a lot#maybe i should get checked for seasonal affective disorder. or maybe this is a trauma response? i DID nearly die this year#i dunno. the trauma stuff in particular is tricky bc if i try to unpack it before i’m ready i could basically just retraumatize myself#but if i wait too long then it’ll do some damage that way too. so i gotta time it right#what i really gotta do is actually contact one of these psychologists i got referred#i think i wanna go for a psychologist instead of a therapist bc i’d like the opportunity for medication/diagnosis if possible#i keep like. almost crying but every time it happens i’m like ‘YESSS CATHARSIS’ and then it goes away. fuckass brain#sighhh. i’m tired. i’m tired of resting too#but tomorrow is a holiday celebrated by eating good food with your family#so i’m gonna try to just enjoy myself and enjoy the day#and it’ll be nice#i’ll probably help cook which i always like doing#i got to chop chocolate tonight. it was really fun i like working with knives#didn’t even get any intrusive thoughts. just focused on making chocolate chunks#it’s satisfying to feel like you’ve made something. chopping things makes me feel like i’ve made something#i want to make more things. i’m really tired all the time lately (different from blood loss tired (i’m relieved i can tell the difference))#and being tired makes it harder to make things#but i’m at my happiest when i’m creating in some way. if you believe in purposes i’d say that was mine#i need to make things i need to put myself out into the world. that way i can look and say i existed. i did something tangible#sigh okay i’m gonna . stop here before this turns into mars shares all of her thoughtfeelings on public website tumblr.com#i know i literally liveblogged my colonoscopy prep to you all (thx again ppl who supported me then btw that was an awful night)#buuuuut i still wanna leave some parts of me a little mysterious. (<- is an open book)
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For over two years now I have wanted to be a writer, it was my favourite thing to do, it’s what I wanted to do in the future, it was something I loved so so much. Then one random ass night my brain just sorta disconnected from it and now I’m like nah.
#like I want to write rn to try fix that#but I dunno#I don’t think I want to write anymore?#or maybe it’s just because I’ve been doing extra hours in for for five weeks continuously#and I’m just to tired to formulate sentences#and I’m doing 12 extra hours this week aswell#yes this is over tired confused rambling we don’t speak about it
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Bungou ch 117 spoilers
Wowww they’re killing all my favorite characters 😐how cool 😐 love this manga 😐
#the vampire arc was so good#but I’m just so sick and tired of Fyodor#he’s just not interesting to me and he never was#I dunno maybe that’s a me problem#but my favorites are being sent off with such little fanfare#and for like literally nothing#no one ever stays dead in this series aside from odasaku so I’ve gotta assume most of them will come back#but I don’t think a certain one will and that makes me very upset#I don’t know maybe it’ll be good once it concludes but for now#I just don’t know that I have the will to continue#bungou stray dogs spoilers#bsd ch 117#foolish speaking of an only lonely#once again please let me know if there’s any spoilers tags I missed#I don’t want to risk spoiling anyone who wasn’t looking for it
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I’m about a week and a half into starting Remeron and my main side effect so far is I’m just so dang sleepy all of the time.
#not a terrible ‘sleepy’ tho. not like a benadryl sleepy. just like a ‘I could go for a nap right now’ sleepy#minor nausea but nothing serious#and I haven’t really got the overly hungry side effect I was warned about#so I guess it’s going surprisingly smooth#I am fur shur less anxious but that could be the meds starting or just me finally mentally pushing past the initial anxiety issues. I dunno#I’m not freaking out or obsessing as much about breathing as I was#I could go on about why that is. maybe knowing I have support helps. maybe meds helped. maybe it got boring. who cares#anyway… yeah… mirtazapine. makes me tired. sleep schedule all wonked up#kinda thought my psych put me on remeron as like… a specific choice chosen for my specific issues#then saw my therapist a couple days later and he was like ‘lemme guess😏… he put you on remeron?’#so I guess that’s his drug of choice#funny bc he was complaining that the other psych there loves zoloft. you’re the same dude! just bc it’s more niche doesn’t make you unique!#but oh well. that means I suppose he has some experience with it. and it’s going well so far so no reason to do more than laugh about it#posting this so if maybe someone a year or so down the line searches remeron they’ll get some feedback here#and that feedback is… it’s okay. 1.5 weeks in it’s okay. sleepy but fine. less anxiety/depression but too early to tell if that’s the meds#and also I love you#text
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Feeling the annual urge to remake I can’t tell if it’s my reasonable brain speaking or not
#I dunno. if I do I just want my main to be an art blog. I just want to focus on my craft I’m tired of internet presence#and either make a mutuals only sideblog or maybe just make a discord server to talk to mutuals in outside of tumblr#I just post for the buddies at this point. also I enjoy the occasional funny image
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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bitches be so dramatic like calm down this is not a nation wide issue this was just playful banter between two folks how the FUCK did you take it this far???
#ugh… i hate when people have drama- i don’t understand…#maybe im a moron- but like- i dunno#i jusr#dont get it#augh#like so much shit is happening#Over a playful joke? I’m not even part of this drama and im trying so hard ot understand#couldnt you just#Fight#in private#uh#uhm#yeag#😼🤙#Deleting this later bc i donr wanna get yelled at#Im justq#foaming at the mouth like- no??? That’s!! Not!! How!! Laws!! Work!! What!? This!! Is!! Stupid!!#So tired of drama on my dash i just wanna see my silly little guys being silly…#Augh…
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My dad has this theory about “project-based friends” that I’ve been thinking about lately. A project-based friend is someone you meet through fandom/hobbies, and they’re usually really easy to get super close to while you’re both invested in the project, be it an actual project or the same fandom/fixation or whatever else.
But as soon as one or both of you moves on from the project, you fall out of touch. Because the project-based friend doesn’t really care about you as a person as much as they care about what you bring to the project. Or even if they do care about you, they just don’t know how to keep a friendship up when you don’t have a project together.
This isn’t necessarily a selfish thing, it’s just… the friendship isn’t personal. A project-based friend will have fun with you while it lasts and then either move on entirely or stay kinda half in your life, never really reaching out or holding real conversations. And I think a big part of my problem is that I’ve been expecting project-based friends to stick around for me when really we just liked the same work of fiction for a while. I keep thinking I’ve made a new best friend and then they get into some media I don’t like and the whole friendship kinda disappears.
#this is hard to accept because it’s some of the people I consider my best friends. but my dad is probably right.#they’ve gotten a new project and that doesn’t mean they hate me it just means I’m like. not on their radar how I once was.#do I cry about it every weekend? of course.#but I am trying to learn to not take it personally#cause I don’t think it’s about me. I think it’s about them having new interests and me not being able to join in with that#I’ve TRIED to join in but it just doesn’t work. I just don’t like the current project.#and maybe when the project is something I do like we can talk again#that’s another thing about project based friends is it seems like I am always the one making an effort to get into their new thing.#almost never them trying for me. and if they do try it is very short lived. oh well#Calvin talks#vent#I guess#personal#I dunno. it’s been over half a year. I’m getting tired.#also WHY is it that 9 times out of 10 my project based friends will get me into the damn thing and then move on before I do#dude I did this for you!!! I got into this shit so we would have something to talk about!!! and now you are ignoring me!!!!#sorry. I’m having a rough evening#I kinda don’t know if I should post this actually#I don’t like to get personal on tumblr#and this isn’t intended to vague anyone it’s just some ruminations on the nature of almost every friendship I’ve ever had.#even tho it DOES feel especially bad lately#like I care more than ever and people are either stringing me along or ignoring me entirely#but like. again. I just tend to get too invested in relationships that don’t matter to the other person#or that do matter to them but not as much#delete later
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I was always getting in trouble for reading under the covers.
“phones are disrupting natural sleep cycles” I mean true but also bold of you to assume I had one before the tech boom lol catch me out here reading chapter books by the light of my light up pens in the third grade
#why dont you have a normal circadian rhythm#i dunno debba maybe my brain has never made the sleep juice#that late night bullshit#ppl be like ‘oh just go to bed early’ without realizing i will not sleep unless i’m tired regardless of effort
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phone call 1 of 2 made. i technically don’t have to make the other phone call but it’s for sure a good idea for me to. hhhhhhrrgghh
#marzi speaks#if i avoid it it’ll reinforce the fear#but idk how to handle the unknown and idk if i have the energy to do it scared rn#maybe i just have to do it scared and tired#i dunno. i’m not sure. i’m afraid of everything and my calves are uncomfortably tight
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I don’t wanna do my dailies Tumblr . Com what do I do
#I’m just tired I wanna go to sleep#I am ill#or maybe I wanna write an essay#I dunno I just don’t wanna make a Tumblr posts#well no I wanna make a Tumblr posts#but I wanna make the loser ones I make over here
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It’s not the skeleton itself that is scary but the implications it has. It is not muscles what is left behind but just the bones. That’s a being that died. Maybe it was a father, maybe it was a mother, maybe they were young, maybe they were old; but in the end, the differences between us are barely noticeable once we are skeletons. We are stripped away of everything that made as unique. Sure, maybe some skeleton have scars or missing teeth, but they’re all the same. Skeletons are a dark reminder of our mortality and how the end is inevitable for everyone. It doesn’t matter who we are, we all end up looking the same. It’s a terrifying reminder.
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Thought I’d get out for the night, so I’ve been sitting in this gaming lounge for the last hour and it’s… meh. Ordered an overpriced milkshake, just kind of hanging out. Honestly, I’d rather play games by myself at home than deal with whatever’s going on here. Well… it was worth a shot 😒
#haha this sucks#it’s hot and boring and I’m annoyed#only came bc my therapist has been bugging me to get out and try to be social#but… like… I’m a hater. I’m about to hate on some people… even if I wanted to be social there’s no one here I would ever talk to#the dudes that hang out at places like this are not the kind of people I make small talk with#tbf talking to dudes irl is majorly unappealing to me#what do we talk about? their favorite marvel character? guns? vin diesel? I dunno. I’m lost.#also ordered a milkshake that took them 30 minutes to make which I mean I’m amenable I’m cool and relaxed#but it’s literally just me getting anything to eat or drink back here the whole time so I dunno 🤷🏻♂️#dropped my brother off here so he could play in a Smash Bros tournament so it’s not a total waste#god I’m whiny#I need to just leave#I’m sure I could have had a better time but tbh I’m tired and already had a negative outlook on this before even showing up#video game lounge sounds cool but it’s like $10 an hour#and I dunno I have no desire to spend cash to play some new game I’m unfamiliar with in public or whatever#now if it was an arcade I would be so psyched. but no it’s like rent an Xbox for an hour kind of deal#just gonna go home get fucked up and play fallout and I’ll be so fucking content l#writing all this down so I can remember what to whine about in therapy next week#ok yeah this was doomed to not be my style. that’s fair. maybe look for a D&D group in the area or something instead#okay lemme stop complaining and just leave#I love you. I’m bored. and I’m dying. and I’m bored.#goodbye forever#text
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