#maybe i’ll start a personal discord channel log. i’ve been doing that for games i play recently and it helps

[a-sketchy]

mannn i wish i had been taking notes while playing p4 lol. i took notes while playing p3p, but i started pretty late-game and was pretty much entirely slink and persona plans. p4g’s life is of more quality and i was playing more regularly so the only notes i have are the yosukeism counter and a reminder abt the okina city crane. and now it’s been 10 months since i played and all of my specific knowledge about the story and characters and My Stats has been blasted out of my mind. i do have a long log of my Posts to read though. hopefully that’ll jog my memory enough to cohere lol.

[k3rm1e]

hello!! i hope its not much of a bother but could you write tommy x reader whos lovelanguage is quality time? ( platonic ofc ) also i hope you are having a good day :D

spend time with you

hello!! i hope its not much of a bother but could you write tommy x reader whos lovelanguage is quality time? ( platonic ofc ) also i hope you are having a good day :D

hi!! of course it’s not a bother, i’d be happy to write this :) since you didn’t put whether you wanted headcanons or a oneshot, i just went with a oneshot, if you want headcanons instead i’m perfectly fine with writing some <3

cw: cursing 

spend time with you:

  so, you were bored. and lonely. it wasn’t a big deal. you mean, it shouldn't be one. everyone gets lonely and bored, and sometimes the easiest solution is sitting in angst. so as much as try to wallow in solitude, the brain screams for a solution to the isolation. so there’s discord calls and tommyinnit.

  crawling off the hardwood floor, you walked over to your pc setup. you should stream. instead, you logged onto a random parkour server and called tommy. after a few seconds, he answered. “hey tom.”.

  “hello, bitch. what’s up?” tommy replied in a fake angry tone, before reverting back to his usual joking sound. even through his light and airy voice, you could hear the hidden concern. he worried too much, in your opinion. maybe, your brain reasoned back, there was a good reason for his worry.

  “nothing really. just bored, haven’t been out in a while. i’ve been doing in-person learning for a bit. haven’t had much time to talk to you all.” you had a calm facade, a facade that was thin enough for tommy to catch the lonely undertones in your words. you hadn’t been talking to people much, with school and testing. and it’s not like you had any friends from your school, that dream was whipped into the trashcan and then set on fire the moment you began to play video games on the internet for anyone to see. sure, some kids found it cool, but would they actually approach the silent kid to talk to them? no, of course not.

  “oh man, that sucks. have you been out much at all?” when you told him you hadn’t, you heard a thoughtful humming sound through the headphones. “well, you’re free this weekend, right? it’s only like a two hour drive from your place to mine.” the way he approached the idea of meeting up so casually, it was astounding to you. sure, you had gotten the vaccine so there were no covid issues, but meeting with someone you had been friends with online for a while now was a big deal. or maybe it wasn’t and your head had just taken it all in weird.

  “tommy, that is a big deal, you realize that right? for me to just go to your place, that needs planning.” you tried to play it off like he never excited you, like you were as casual about this.

  “oh, come on. planning isn’t that big a deal, besides, i wanna spend time with you!” his voice had risen, and you were once again astounded by the kid you were on call with.

  “yes, tom, i want to spend time with you, but i- i dunno, this is all sudden. i wouldn’t want to impose on you, or, or your family at all.”.

  “seriously, you think you’re gonna be imposing? my mother likes you more than she likes me, the only people you’d be imposing on are betty and walter. and as an act of forgiveness, you can take them on walks.” he had a confident voice, and you laughed.

  “ok, ok, tom. i’ll see, ask the parents.” he muttered a “good”, and the conversation topic had switched to what you would do if you did visit him.

  when you asked your parents about it, there was some confusion but with much pleading and phone calls back and forth between the adults, the ultimate decision had finally been reached. you were able to visit him for the weekend. after a long car ride and reassurances you would behave, you were let out of the car and into his house.

  “tommy! hi.” you ran up to him and greeted him with a hug, trying to grasp the absurd concept that you had finally met your best friend.

  he pulled out of the hug and stared at you, “so, what do you wanna do?”.

  you guys ended up visiting the nearby stores and parks, filming it for the tommy vlogs channel. you ran around, finally feeling better. okay, so maybe loneliness wasn’t a constant and unending toture. if feeling like shit was the only way to feel this way again, you would feel like shit for every weekday.

  “...” you were laying in the grass at the dog park, tired after taking the dogs for a walk and running around with them playing frisbee. tommy flopped next to you, betty laying down with him as walter continued to run around. he moved his hand to pet the dog. “... hey, tom?” you turned toward him as he made a hum of silent acknowledgement.

  “... thank you. seriously. i really needed this, just to get out and spend time with you.” you wished you could put on a natural and laid-back tone, instead of making it so obvious how you felt, baring your soul to the empty air. you were happy, but this conversation felt like you were being torn into.

  “why the hell are you thanking me? we’re friends, why wouldn’t i wanna spend time with you? don’t do stupid, there’s nothing to thank me for.” he turned his head to look at you and his face scrunched up. “stop looking so emotional n’ shit. it’s weirding me out.”

  your nose scrunched up as you laughed at him, smiling again. “ok tom, ok. i promise not to thank you for anything ever, ever again.”

  you heard him start a rebuttal, “well there’s nothing wrong with thanking me for other things, as i am very amazing and above others …”

i hope you liked this! it was a bit more angsty than i planned for but still a healthy amount. bit shorter bc tired though, sorry! anyways, have a lovely day!

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Deca-Dence 4 | Maou-jou 2 | Fruits Basket 2 24 (49) | Magatsu 1 | IWGP 2 | Koi to Producer 11 - 12 (FINAL) | HypMic 3

Still chugging away at these summer and spring anime...sorry for the delay...(LOL, that rhymed without me meaning to.)

Also, I’ve been on the fence about whether to keep Golden Kamuy, since almost no one I read the reviews of follows it now and it’s a week’s wait (when accounting for my AniList challenge)...so I’m putting it on pause so I don’t have to suffer later.

Deca-Dence 4

“…who possesses the will to fight.”

…Great. Kurenai is absolutely tethered to Kaburagi in a one-sided love. Just when I thought Natsume had an independent role model to look up to.

Maou-jou 2

Oh, this is from Shonen Sunday? Didn’t know that until now.

“Demon Shroud: A demon with 99 clans. A cloth demon that puts on airs that it won’t be used before it’s finished off, due to its wonderful fabric. It is full of beautiful ghostly power, so its skin is smooth. However, the hero (who commonly uses things he finds in his surroundings) caught one, so now the princess has zeroed in on them. The princess doesn’t need the hands or the head of these demons, so it’s a cycle of killing and taking revenge for them. Their fighting style is squeezing the life out of things.”

Apparently, the teddy is acceptable, LOL.

I like how the window stopped displaying text at one point.

I saw someone with a huge plait in the ED. The queen, maybe…?

I noticed the laughs dropped off significantly in comparison to last time, but it’s still good. I can flex my translation skills even if I can’t laugh at one part.

Fruits Basket 2 24 (49)

…jumping to the 2nd-last episode in a season is pretty unprecendented, but I’m going to watch this for the sake of Jon’s Creator Showcase…then again, I need to finish this anime anyway, so it’s just cutting and changing the order for something I already know the outcomes of.

I used to lose myself in movies so much that I would lose all sense of who I was and would have to “regain the bearings of myself”, so to speak. I would have to reconstruct who I was, even though I technically hadn’t “been broken” and I knew once I did that, it felt different. Like I’d travelled through time and past me would never be the same as present me. That’s why I kind of get what Machi means.

Oh, I didn’t listen to this OP much…probably because I’m emphasising bingeing the spring and summer series I left behind and now that I can skip the ads on most of my anime, I’m leaving behind the anime I’ll be slower on.

The manga was written when there weren’t as many cell phones around, much less smartphones.

Rin’s on bad terms with everyone…

…if I remember the year of the dragon correctly, the last one was 2012, then the one before that is 2000…around the turn of the millennium, huh? Froob is showing its age here, albeit unintentionally.

Now that I’m closer to the Musketeers’ age, I can kind of empathise with their scenes a bit more.

“If I always blame someone or something, I’ll never change.” – True. I realised I’ve been a bit too haughty lately (what with the HypMic anime going on and it being the first thing I could research extensively before the anime’s debut, my feelings are of course reaching fever pitch – combine that with continued COVID lockdown and you get me being all defensive of HypMic, for better or for worse) and so I may have acted like a jerk to someone, but since I only know them online and generally when I try to apologise to people online they don’t see the things I apologise for as things in need of apology, I know the fault lies with me to rein myself in. I guess this means changing yourself is the only way to move forward.

I wonder how Hatori did his doctor training while avoiding hugs from girls who aren’t Sohmas…?

Shigure vs. Gentaro (of HypMic, of course)…a writing competition! That would be fun.

…Crow’s note here makes sense (<- this is why I changed the order). Shigure was clearly asking a question there.

Come to think of it, HypMic and Froob have some similar characters. The stoic doctor is Hatori/Jakurai, the energetic smol one is Momiji/Ramuda, the teasing author is Shigure/Gentaro…that could make for some good fanfic material, really.

Magatsu 1

…that title is an absolute killer, man. Anyways, I’m here for the director, who also worked on Hataraku Maou-sama.

Is this a no guns thing, like IWGP is a no drugs thing?

…this OP has lyrics?! I just hear strange squeaky noises, the kind you hear on some autotuned sogs to make them seem more ominous (I can’t remember if there’s a similar sound in G-Anthem of Y City or Yokohama Walker, but one of the MTC songs has similar noises).

I kinda guessed Leo’s package was the one Schaake and her partner were looking for. I was right.

That CGI (on the truck) is…kinda conspicuous.

These backgrounds are gorgeous.

“The definition of in dubio contra reum is "in doubt, against the accused", meaning that, where there is doubt, the accused in a trial is not given the benefit of that doubt; they are assumed guilty.”

I wonder: how many protagonists start out as absolute wimps, unwilling to fight because they either know or don’t know their own power? It’s a pretty standard introduction for things with fights.

This battle track is nice. I listened to some of the Magatsu music under Masaru Yokoyama’s name on Spotify and it’s pretty cool, but since it’s background music, there’s not a lot of demand to listen to it (from me or anyone else, I don’t think).

Why is there only a single shield if they know the enemy has heavy artillery?

…what the heck is a Zeits? Update: You can see a “Zeits” (or however it’s spelt) in the credits list, suggesting Zeits is a character in this.

I knew this was my last premiere and this might have made or broken my entire watching schedule, but this is just a pretty down-to-earth premiere for a fantasy mobile game. While that cliffhanger compelled me to continue, I don’t think it’s good enough to beat its competition in the long run.

IWGP 2

I know I said Magatsu was my last premiere, but just to be sure, I’m watching this one.

This dance scene is beautifully orchestrated. The fact there’s no music means you focus entirely on the motion.

The OP seems to trade more in colour and spectacle than actual “cool factor”.

…wow, $2.90…? That’s some cheap food.

You know I hate 1st person cam with a passion, right? So…uh…

Eyyyyyyyy…this is basically McDonald’s, curry style.

I think I can almost see Ichiro of HypMic in how the G-Boys seem to mostly be reformed delinquents or actual delinquents.

…yeah, but what’s your name, random messenger guy? Update: We find out later his name is Isogai.

“It’s because I suck at working and communicating.” – Yep, that me.

Ikebukuro licence plate. I still have no idea exactly what places get licence plates in Japan.

There are actually 2 characters before “Hospital”, but no one confirms the reading of those characters…which is probably why they’re omitted.

…oh gosh, if this were a BL, Mitsuki and Masaru would be star-crossed lovers…*sigh*

Maybe it’s an unrelated 3rd party??? (In mysteries, you can never dismiss the work of a 3rd party.)

You can tell exactly which group is which based on the colours they wear. Makoto isn’t affiliated with anyone, so he’s wearing black and had yellow earlier.

I think an anime is cowardly – or trying to save budget – if they deliberately choose an angle where they can’t show the moment of impact clearly.

E! News, LOL.

Archangel, huh? So like a 2nd in command?

I think IWGP is moving in the direction of pushing the gangs against each other in the way Makoto describes in ep. 2.

As for what I think of it now, it's decent if you want something down-to-earth, but it seems to be missing some kind of "wow factor". Like it's afraid to commit to deeper characterisation, even though it has Makoto as the ostensible lead/viewpoint character.

Koi to Producer 11

“Cognitive Science Association” - I thought it was the Cognitive Psychology Association…? (Psychology is shinrigaku, science is kagaku.)

My boy (Lucien)…why must you be so evil??? Why do I keep falling for the tall but mysterious doctor??? (<- guilty as charged re: Jakurai)

…that’s some funky seatbelts.

What’s that look in Victor’s eyes…? Fondness, or something more…?

…ah, so there is “Science” in the place’s name. It was just being less loosely translated then.

Oh dang. Stuff escalated really fast, huh?

You actually set this in 2020, huh, staff? What happens ten years from now and people watch it, only to realise 2020 and 2030 aren’t so different? That’s what happened when people had the Y2K bug.

That yellow sign on the side says “exit”. It’s not of any use.

That’s not a recoloured Kiro, is it? It’s not Shaw, either (who I think we saw somewhere in the previous episodes)…so then who is it?

…geesh, they even changed Helios to Ares. I guess it makes sense: Helios is the god of the sun, but Ares is the god of war.

Koi to Producer 12 (FINAL)

I read on the wiki Lucien’s power is copying powers. No wonder I couldn’t get a solid handle on it!

So that Helios wasn’t a mistake in the credits list in the previous episode???

Can we even hear what Helios says when Protag-chan is pulled away? Based on the lack of subs, probably no, but I wanted to ask anyway. (Or maybe he said “Watashi”, since that’s the pronoun Protag-chan goes by?)

…so that really is Kiro, huh?

Military…what? When did Protag-chan’s father have a military squad???

LOL, at the very end you can see Gavin gesturing at Greenie (the pot plant, presumably a succulent). I logged on to the game 7 days straight (they have a Discord channel!) and got a Gavin R card with Greenie on it, which is how I know about it.

Anyways, that was a fun show. Not the best, but still fun.

HypMic 3

*snickers* Just look at my boi! He’s so tall, he has to bend down for kids! (I don’t mean that teasingly, I mean that endearingly, but lately I’ve been no good at expressing myself…Must be the lockdown.)

If TsudaKen was a guest last time, then Degarashi and Irihatoma could be voiced by guest seiyuus too…

What is Jakurai, hmm? (A Transformer, LOL?...I’m kidding, of course.)

All I knew about this episode going in was that it was an MTR episode. Maybe they’ll cover the stalker story from the manga…?

More literally, Hifumi’s sign says “will you monopolise me until morning?”. This reminds me of the MTR truck one of the servers I was in was talking about…it looked like a giant billboard.

“The most notable thing about Doppo is that he has no notable characteristics.”…and yet, he’s still one of the most popular characters of the series.

Suddenly, HypMic becomes a mystery…? I’ll take it!

Yup, “Doppomine” is now confirmed as “Doppo-chin”.

If all the mysteries I’ve consumed say one thing, it’s “never forget there might be someone out there with a grudge against you willing to pin a crime on you”…or alternatively, “never forget there may be an unrelated 3rd party who would be willing to pin a crime on you”.

These guys (Tom etc.) are just food critics, I swear…(LOL)

Oddly enough(?), googling “Shinjuku waffles” reveals there are several waffle places in Shinjuku…you wouldn’t expect so many waffles away from the home of waffles (probably Belgium), but there you go.

All the results on Shinjuku French toast point to this Café Aaliya (give or take an H at the end). Apparently, it’s so popular, people line up for it on weekdays.

Oh, so Tom’s a (street) photographer…what are Iris and Rex then?

The CGI on that car looks really bad, man. It may be dark to disguise it, but it still looks bad.

Jakurai’s dad car strikes again!...Was it white? I don’t remember, but I’m pretty sure it was a lighter colour than this.

I was quite worried about how much swearing they were going to throw in the MTC episode, but then…they kicked it down a week. So…start worrying about next week, folks!

I…thought he would call Jyuto for some reason. (giggles) I’ve never seen Samatoki look so happy in relation to Jakurai, but maybe that’s because he’s just chilling. (Or maybe he was meant to have a neutral but slightly happy face and they messed up the angle. I know I do that sometimes in fanart.)

There’s Jyuto, right on cue…LOL, that kick to the guts was so random it became epic!

Uwabami…what sort of snake is that, again? *checks* Giant snake. That’s no help. (That host could have a guest seiyuu too.)

Ooh, I’m fairly sure that’s an automatic car.

Jakurai went Jitsu wa kyoumi bukai desu ne?. “Fascinating” isn’t a wrong translation, but they did forget “In fact…” or “Really…” from the start and possibly the “?” at the end (depending on interpretation). Update: It might actually be Jitsu ni, but same deal.

They struttin’ down Kabuki-cho all fancy-like…Doppo sure does get a lot of punchlines, though.

This random guy at the club could also have a guest seiyuu…

…what’s with the random Tahoma?

…oh, hey. If Hifumi’s jacket acts as a security blanket of sorts against women and he gave it to Doppo for extra warmth (presumably), then…he’s trying to protect Doppo, even in his own sort of unique way.

Mimimi vs Hifumi? This is gonna get confusing…(hey, did they actually make a flourish noise when Hifumi put on his jacket? Does the distinction need to be that clear…?)

…see, never forget the presence of an unrelated 3rd party.Wait, so we have motive…what’s the relationship of Mimimi and the dude she killed? Who is that dude? Update: We find out later.

Notice Mimimi says “Hifumi-kun” – she’s still on an outside layer compared to Doppo, who just uses Hifumi’s name. Also, I noticed Mimimi called herself Hifumi’s “onna” – “woman” – explicitly, as if she belonged to him. The subs reflect that, but it seems to have less meaning in English because they outright translated it as such.

Well, they got to demonstrate Doppo’s snapping. I’m more than happy with just that. Also, Hifumi calls Doppo with a -kun here.

LOL, this song is gonna be known as “catchy”, ain’t it? Anything with an easy-to-sing-along chorus like “nananana” is. Update: Or maybe not even a chorus, it’s just lyrics.

Hmm…I noticed the “use Mr with me” line isn’t actually reflected in the subs, but the lyrics are so fast, I don’t know how they are reflected.

Did you notice the da in the lyrics in romaji?

…and s*** goes ka-blooey, as you’ve come to expect by now.

Mimimi-kun…?

Oh, so the background from Hypnosis Mics can get caught in photos? I never thought of that.

It’s almost as if they’re nodding at the Doppo fans through the 4th wall regarding his appeal.

It seems they’re not switching out this Buster Bros track, which is…okay, but I was hoping for an MTR ED. (Tofubeats was on this track IIRC and the anime website didn’t list a future ED, so that’s why I’m okay with it.)

…Okay, so Irihatoma is Mutsumi Iwanaka, who’s a rookie in the seiyuu world. *goes to consult Anime News Network*

Oh! Mimimi Hibakari! I get it! (It means “me, me, me all day” when written differently to her name.)

Uwabami was Shugo Nakamura and Degarashi was Mitsuaki Hoshino. I’ve never heard of these guys – except for Nakamura’s role as Teru in Idolm@ster Side M – so it’s interesting they contrasted TsudaKen with them…eh? Heilong? Whossat? (Probably the guy whose…parts…almost got crushed by Jakurai with a billiards cue.) This Hiroya Eto is even more underground than those guys.

A-hah! Today’s new song is “WELCOME U” (that’s how it’s spelt, don’t diss me for it!) by Kohei from SIMONSAYZ.

Update: I thought that kid at the beginning was Yotsutsuji, so it scared me for a second.

[ackbang]

tea time for eruriweek ‘18. prompt: enemies to lovers

they had met for the first time on a friday night--erwin’s typical raid night. it had gone like any ordinary night--hange scrambling to find fill ins as some players dropped out last minute. it had been like any other night, except levi had joined and fucking ruined it all.

erwin had learned then to never trust rogues again. 

he yelled at hange after the raid, had to leave the house and go for a drive to blow off steam. how could he have made such a mockery out of this? playing was his release. his activity. his way of dealing with things. and then this fucking night elf rogue piece of shit fucking twat ass mother fucker just stomps on through and doesn’t at all... AT ALL... follow their plans.

fuck rogues.

apparently levi hadn’t been delivered the message that following friday. he appeared again in their group, and erwin whispered angrily at hange asking what the fuck he was doing there. “he’s going through some shit right now man just chill,” hange wrote back.

erwin festered. he quipped snarky messages at levi the entire night whenever he messed anything up to the point that hange had to tell him to cut the shit or they’d kick him out. he tried to behave, until levi started to whisper lines of backstreet boys songs at him, and consequently, being a thorn in the raid’s side once again.

erwin was kicked out.

the weeks continued until finally levi was invited to their discord channel. apparently the rogue had solidified a place within their ranks, and with it, a seat among the commune of online friends. erwin was in the voice chat when he heard the harsh barking of a laugh coming from a screenname he didn’t recognize.

“who’s grabasnickers?” erwin asked.

“i dunno, but i might run and hide if you scream my name.”

erwin was kicked out of the voice chat.

levi was an annoyance, a nuisance, but then one day he did something remarkable. he played right, and he played well. he saved erwin during a critical moment in battle, allowing him to heal the tank that, in the end, saved all their asses. it was the first completely successful raid in weeks with this makeshift group of misfits, and erwin, being the bigger man, whispered at levi to thank him.

levi: np

erwin: no seriously, thank you. maybe i have misjudged you.

levi: it’s just a game, weirdo.

the self imposed tension started to alleviate after that. erwin responded to levi in the chats, even struck conversation with levi in the voice chats, and they quickly became the pair that stole and derailed the conversations from the rest of the group.

erwin sent the friend invite first.

erwin: hey. thanks for accepting my request.

levi: whatever. you aren’t as uptight as i thought you were. still p uptight tho

erwin: hahah. well, thank you.

talking to levi became a regular thing. erwin asked levi if he wanted to quest together when the new expansion dropped, and levi agreed. they spent the entire weekend void of sleep and beat the expansion in record time. erwin’s voice was hoarse from laughing and talking for so long, and he went to bed that night afraid that he might actually feel something for that little rogue night elf.

work was just a way to pay the bills now. getting home to spend the night talking to levi gave him a new purpose outside of his routine. they stayed up until the early morning talking, even after they had logged off the game. levi gave him his phone number. they started texting. erwin got the courage to send him a selfie at a very particular angle, one that showed just his shoulders and up and made his nose look reasonably sized. levi returned with a darkly cropped selfie where erwin could only see a pair of tired eyes in a sea of black.

erwin definitely, completely, and totally had a crush.

the discord chat’s secret santa came around, and erwin managed to get paired with levi. he spent three times as long shopping for levi as he did the rest of his friends and family, despite it having to be restricted to twenty dollars. he waited anxiously for levi to receive the package, until he finally got a text message three days before christmas.

levi: wth

erwin: what’s up?

levi: why did you send me a candy pooping unicorn?

erwin: do you not like it?

levi: you’re disgusting

erwin: you love it.

levi: sure we’ll go with that

a few minutes pass.

levi: thank you

several months pass, and memorial day hits. erwin hasn’t taken a vacation in almost two years--or at least one that didn’t involve leaving the state. erwin got the wild idea some time ago of visiting levi. he staved off of asking--he’d never met anyone from online before, and levi wasn’t particularly the type of person to hang out with much of anybody from what he had told erwin. but talking to levi hurt his heart too much, not being able to see or touch him, see him smile, watch the way he eats, how he would tuck the hair behind his ear... he wanted to see it. to be there.

“i don’t know if this is weird...”

“oi, just spit it out, dumbass.”

erwin chuckled, rubbed his eye with his index finger and shook his head at his screen. “i have some vacation time coming up. i’m not sure what to do--would i be able to maybe... would you...” the words caught, and normally he was so composed. “can i...”

“erwin.”

“can i visit you?”

the silence was deafening, and erwin kept his eyes on the clock. only a minute passed, but it felt like an eternity. “i live with my mom.”

erwin breathed out a laugh. “oh.”

“i mean...”

“i can just...”

“i don’t think she’d care.”

“i can stay at a hotel nearby.”

“that’s dumb. i’ll ask if you can stay here.”

erwin rubbed at his forehead, tried to dash away radical fantasies of kissing levi, touching him, making love to him. they were just friends, what the fuck was he thinking those things anyway? “only if you want...”

“i don’t see why not.”

they solidify the plans. levi’s mom doesn’t care, as he had said. erwin loaded the car and embarked on the longest roadtrip he’d ever taken alone--five hours and three states away. he made it to levi’s house and parked in the driveway next to levi’s mother’s car. he rested his forehead on the steering wheel and curbed a panic attack that he hadn’t had since he started talking to levi. he was about to start the car again and turn right back around, until he heard a knock on his car window. he startled and looked out the window, wide-eyed and terrified like a deer in headlights.

levi waved at him.

erwin gasped in.

he was much shorter than he thought he’d be.

“you comin’ in or...”

erwin sealed his lips, smiled, and nodded. it was now or never. “yeah,” he shouted through the window.

he regretted everything. sending the friend invite. talking to levi all these months. sending him that stupid fucking unicorn. he hated his crush, he hated how levi, in all his hobbit-sized glory, was exactly what he never knew he wanted.

and levi was going to be disgusted in him.

he stepped out of the car and kept his right side close to the car.

“do you need help with your stuff?” levi asked.

“n-no, i can handle it. i--”

“oh.” erwin looked down at levi who was staring at the empty sleeve of his right arm. the damned secret that erwin never told anybody online; one he definitely didn’t want to tell levi, and now he felt like a damn fool for being too afraid to. levi seemed to be moving through many thoughts before finally landing on: “you’re a lot taller than i thought you’d be.”

and that was the moment erwin fell in love with levi.

the long weekend with levi and his mother was a treat. levi showed erwin around his hometown, even paid for their movie that he had jokingly called a “date”, and erwin so badly wanted it not to be. levi filled the space on his right side like he was always meant to be there. he tried to burn the feeling in his mind along with the soft smiles and the hiccuping laugh and the way that he always smelled like fresh detergent.

the last night, they spent on the couch, like a pair of teenagers despite being in their early thirties. levi leaned into erwin’s left side, and erwin lifted his arm and wrapped it around levi’s shoulders.

“i hate this movie,” levi mused.

erwin chuckled. “we don’t need to keep watching it.”

levi snuggled deeper into erwin’s side. “nah.”

erwin smiled and squeezed his hand against levi’s bicep.

the next day, erwin packed up his car and stood before levi, a heavy weight dragging his heart into the pit of his stomach. he couldn’t remember the last time he had this much fun, and he knew, without a doubt, he was going to miss the fuck out of levi.

“thank you for having me.”

“thanks for coming.”

awkward silence.

“i--” they say at the same time.

“we can--” they say again, like a terrible sitcom.

“let me know when you get home,” levi said, bringing the string of his hoodie to his mouth, as he did when he was nervous, erwin had discovered.

“yes, of course,” erwin said, edging his fingers under the car door handle.

“and uh,” levi swayed and moved in toward erwin. “it was... nice having you.” 

“maybe i can do it again sometime?” erwin smiled softly.

levi’s voice was low. he nodded once. “that’d be cool.”

erwin opened the car door and stepped one foot in before levi took his arm and tugged. “i... wait.”

erwin paused. “what is it, levi?”

“i...” levi looked away, his neck shrinking more into his hoodie, a dusting of pink capturing his cheeks. “i dunno... what... i just... fuck.” he breathed out. erwin stood straight. “i’ve never liked anybody before.” levi said so quietly it was nearly inaudible. but erwin caught every word, and felt them in his own throat. “and i think... i...”

erwin put his hand on levi’s shoulder, bowed his head and pressed his lips firmly to levi’s cheek. he breathed in the cleanness of his hair, the smell of his shaving cream, the warmth of his skin. his heart railed in his chest and it nearly breakout and onto the ground to die like a fish. he couldn’t believe he was doing this... he couldn’t...

levi moved his head, looked hesitantly into erwin’s eyes, eyebrows upturned in fear, as he clumsily met his lips to erwin’s, puckered and nervous and quick. levi retreated, putting one hand up to his face, his whole body shaking as he breathed out. “sorry, i’m sorry. fuck. what the fuck.”

the feeling of levi had smacked erwin upside the head, and he tried to gather his own breath. “w.. what? for what?” erwin reached out and put his hand on levi’s shoulder again. “i like you too.” he smiled. “you’re fine. thank you.”

levi looked up at him, his oversized hoodie making him look smaller than he already was. “you sure?”

“i’ve never been more certain.”

“i’m not...”

“may i have another? for the road?” the grin hadn’t dissolved.

levi looked at erwin, then at his lips, and nodded. he leaned in and kissed again, still awkward, but they were softer now, and god, erwin was on cloud 9 even after it ended. “d... drive safe.”

“thank you,” erwin said, stepping one leg into the driver’s seat again. he looked up at levi once he was seated. “i’ll see you soon?”

“yeah,” levi nodded, smiling now, toothy and just criminally adorable. “yeah yeah. get the fuck outta here.”

“aye aye.” erwin closed the door, started the car, and backed out of the driveway. he stopped the car to safely wave at levi before driving off. 

and for five hours he relived every moment of his trip with a smile on his lips.

[cosmosogler]

i’m so frustrated i want to scream.

i had a dream about high school. i was hanging out with a japanese girl. i couldn’t understand anything she said and i was trying to figure out a good system to communicate but i couldn’t remember anything or focus on how my hands were moving. i have never had this much trouble with a language barrier and i could not figure out what she wanted. 

that was just the start of the day though.

there was that thing with dad, of course. and i’ve been feeling crummy and sore all day. it has never let up. there was a period of about an hour where it hurt so bad i couldn’t move this evening. i felt so sick i couldn’t even feel restless. it was like all my limbs died.

i have had pms symptoms worse than this, of course, but never while actively on birth control. and definitely not when it’s not even the right week yet. i still have two more days before the pill schedule says i’m actually supposed to start. at least i caught it right away and that was, er, uneventful. i do so dislike bathroom adventures.

gotta... set up an appointment with my doctor. again. try something else.

walking wiley was pretty miserable. i had no energy and every time he pulled on the leash my whole upper body ached. thankfully he didn’t seem to find anything especially interesting on our usual route today so i could focus on just moving forward. i think some kids wanted me to stop so they could pet wiley but i just waved at them and kept going because i didn’t want to deal with people. their parents didn’t look too enthusiastic about me coming over at least.

tomorrow i gotta get up an hour early for therapy. so i am writing a little early. after therapy dad wants to go to his mom’s house. i haven’t seen her since, like, before she killed her dog i think? i have never volunteered to go with dad. i think my dad knows i don’t care for her company. then we are picking up asher to start studying for the gre a little bit.

i was completely unable to focus all day despite not moving too much. i didn’t start looking at math gre materials until like twenty minutes ago. i’ve got a couple things bookmarked now... hopefully spending some time on khan academy will help boost his confidence. that’s mostly what the gre is about. not letting it psyche you out. the general gre doesn’t really cover anything over high school, or freshman year of college level. i took it without studying at all and i did way better than i did on the subject test despite spending five months pretty religiously studying. 

the worst part about standardized tests is how soul crushing they are. you still feel like you’re bad at it even when you score in the 80th percentile. or you feel like you did pretty good and get 40th percentile. just like my grades!!!

i was hoping maybe since i didn’t have to go to school this semester i could relax a little more. but here i am with my head in my hands worrying about my grades and my lost opportunity and how rusty i’m getting with numbers. i can’t... find higher level physics material to practice with on the internet. where do i go to just, do quantum physics problems every day?? and i gave my quantum book to hogan, so he could keep up with the material... maybe i’ll ask for it back... i’ll have to go back to flag at some point anyway.

i’m too ashamed to even log into facebook because maybe i’ll have gotten a notification from someone i know. or maybe someone will see me online and try to talk to me and they’ll figure out how much of a useless bum i am. i’ve forgotten to even change my skype status from “away” for several days now. i don’t talk in the discord channels...

that feeling of “i feel like a total loser” never went away. i think having to miss another semester of school broke me. it’s hard to motivate myself to even do little things. like send emails. or look at the physics stuff that i ASKED MY PROFESSOR TO SEND ME AND HE KINDLY DID. or heck, even watching tv is a chore! sitting and reading for too long makes me feel sick. i should really be wearing my reading glasses, that might be the problem with the reading. but whenever i think about doing anything i just want to cry.

i feel stupid even talking about anything but work on my tumblr, where i go to talk about how i’m feeling. it’s great. like, i could say i played a lot of pokemon and got extremely frustrated with the luck i was having at the battle tree, but i play pokemon every day. mom and dad judge me pretty hard.

it’s hard to find anything to enjoy when i know that if it’s not work related my parents are going to complain that i don’t do anything useful. i can’t get any fun out of things i used to have a great time doing. i don’t really sit and think in the shower any more, i just kind of stand there and stare at the wall and yell at myself to wash my hair already. i can’t write or draw. well, technically i physically could do those things, but i can’t... put the paper down in front of myself. when i think about it, i just don’t do it. i guess it’s hard because making art again would mean i am trying to take steps to feel better. but i wouldn’t be feeling better fast enough and mom and dad would be like “why did you draw when you could be applying for jobs” and then i would feel even worse.

i can’t start new books or tv shows and i have trouble even picking up new short stories/fanfiction because i would spend time and energy thinking about and talking about that stuff when i could be applying for jobs!!!

i can’t even crawl out of my depression hole good enough. it would be easier for everyone if i was dead. then at least my parents wouldn’t have to spend so much money on me. and my friends wouldn’t have to watch me complain about nothing all the time. and i wouldn’t have to sit here and be myself all day.

haha, the dream i had... i was singing a song and i mixed up the lyrics. it reminded me of last may when i went to comicon and i liked someone’s cosplay and tried to point it out to taylor and i got the character mixed up with a different one right in front of everyone in the elevator. i bet i looked like a real fake gamer girl!!!

not only that, but it was an undertale cosplay, and i know how... intense the fans can be. i wanted to melt into my dress and through the floor.

i hate the way my body looks and it’s so hard for me to cosplay. i get judgmental looks when i try to play along in character a little bit because i don’t commit enough, or i commit too much, or i get disappointed looks when i don’t play along because i’m too nervous. i’m lucky if one person asks to take a picture with me. i should really make my own costumes... i could probably put in just a little more effort and maybe people would like my costumes. but i can’t sew and mom never taught me how to do anything i could use to take care of myself.

everything i learned about how to take care of myself i had to teach myself... i don’t even know how to put on makeup. i have never even once done it myself.

mostly because it’s bad for my skin and i hate the way it feels on my face, but also because i was afraid of doing it wrong and having to wear it that way all day.

i guess, i got so used to doing things wrong on purpose, like playing video games just badly enough or getting pop culture references wrong to look just the right level of Not That Nerdy, and Letting the Guys Be Right, that when i actually put in effort and tried to win i couldn’t any more. the only thing i can do on purpose is lose. and i guess... losing on purpose gives me some control over whether i won or not. since i’m gonna lose anyway, may as well let myself down easy, you know?

but i keep trying for some reason. because i’m stupid i guess. dedication and stubbornness are the same thing.

actually one time it was kind of funny. i was just starting high school and wanted to not look like an unapproachable hermit. so i was talking about tv shows with a guy. i think it was long hair jake. he brought up dragonball z. i have seen the show before, and i had only the most tenuous grasp of the plot, but i liked some of the characters enough to be familiar with their names and personalities. i watched toonami a lot in grade school. but i was so afraid of looking like a nerd, because he was so cool, you see, that i deliberately “forgot” all the characters’ names and basic things about the show. getting it wrong on purpose and letting people judge me for that is easier than trying earnestly and getting it wrong anyway without even noticing. at least when i do something on purpose i have some say in what people think of me, because i did for sure act a certain way.

i ended up being an unapproachable hermit anyway and during my second year i actually got yelled at by the dean of students for being “too egotistical to spend time with my classmates.” 

honestly i think that actually truly damaged my self esteem. here i had clearly established myself as the worst student, and was too afraid to hang out with literally anyone, and everyone thought i thought myself too high and mighty for those lowly mortals! gaze upon me and despair.

man, i hate me. i hate having to deal with me. i hate listening to myself all day. i hate the way i keep getting up and trying again even when there is clearly nothing to be gained. i wish i could just die already.

and yet... i appreciate the way eve keeps going like there’s nothing wrong even though she is clearly aware of how old she is. i appreciate that she still asks to go on walks even though she’s always sore and tired afterward. that she still wants to spend time with me despite everything.

haha i’m crying again, good night everybody, i’ll be here all week. i can’t see again, my eyes burn so bad. god it hurts.

i am just a little early tonight. but i have to get up to go to the bathroom so often every night that i’ll probably end up not getting enough sleep anyway. it wasn’t as bad last night, so maybe the medication is finally starting to help.