#maybe i sound miserable myself if im talking about this

[tinukis]

i open up sabosan tags here (like any1 else but 4 ppl will talk about it) and i immediately see someone hate on it

idc that youre aroace bc i am fucking too but DAMN??? who cares if they havent met. shipping is for fun. you dont have to fucking yell abt how much you hate a ship and tag it. you sound So miserable.

and holy SHIT you didnt have to state ur reasons like YES. WE KNOW. THEYRE CALLED RAREPAIRS FOR A REASON. rarepairs are called rare bc they either never met in canon/barely interacted.

but also im surprised that sabosan already got a hater like??? DAMN??? NOT MANY PPL KNOW ABOUT IT YET

and who fucking cares if ppl ship something bc they find the characters hot. i'd want to see my two favorite characters kiss for whatever reason!! these guys are fictional characters and theyre meant to be played with like dolls

anyway sabo and sanji are making out Right Now on the kitchen counter (sanji is sitting on the counter)

[jils-things]

2024 is probably not my best year now that i think about it

[bubblegumbeyotch]

.

[hoshinasblade]

i woke up sad today and im also super stressed at work so im taking it upon myself to make other people miserable too, hence this drabble -

"it has to be me", hoshina declared, in a tone that reflected his strong will. "if number 10 wanted me to use it as a weapon, i'll do it." regardless of the consequences, he intentionally omitted. he didn't need everyone in the room to hear what is already a known fact.

the emergency meeting lasted 10 minutes, and as soon as it concluded, the oak doors opened with a loud bang, the high-ranking officers of the anti-kaiju defence of japan pouring out. hoshina soshiro, the vice-captain of the third division remained on his spot, unmoving. "hoshina -" captain ashiro approached him with a concerned look.

"commander, don't look at me like that", hoshina responded, a smirk on his face. captain ashiro would have complied, but she's known her vice-captain for year to see when he's faking confidence. "i'm tough to kill", hoshina said, dismissing himself.

retiring to his quarters, hoshina relished the small privilege he was given - it would be embarrassing to break down in front of other people if he was sharing a dorm room with his teammates. he laid down the mattress, the soft surface giving in to his weight. he did not bother to take his uniform off.

it was an hour or four before he decided to do something. the clock read past 10 pm. you're probably taking a shower. he took his chances.

you always pick up. and tonight was no different. even the mere sound of your breathing was sufficient to set his insides afire. "i miss you."

it's ridiculous even for him to realize that his feelings could be summarized in three one-syllable words. he closed his eyes, imagining that he was not holding his phone in his ear, that you were with him instead. your presence would effectively solve the majority of his problems.

"how was your day?" you whispered softly. if hoshina concentrates hard enough, he could see your lips part while you're talking. the hole in his chest grew more and more by the second.

"they're converting number 10 as a weaponized suit. they're making me wear it." hoshina wished he was not speaking to you about this.

"isn't that dangerous?" your reply was quick and straightforward. you were familiar with the protocol and you weren't even an officer.

"i could die." once the truth was out of his mouth, there was no stopping it. "it could significantly shorten my lifespan if i use the suit too much."

hoshina had always been proud of his skills as a competent swordsman - he's survived and made it this far with his blades despite most people advising him to give up. he's never cursed his own lack of power until now. if only he was strong enough, maybe he wouldn't need a suit to be able to fight better.

"then -" you started but paused and hoshina could tell you were steadying yourself. . "then don't use it too much", you suggested. in normal circumstances he would smile at you - flattered that you are worried about him, pleased that you care. but now everything from you simply feels like tiny crumbs of affection, and hoshina settled on being a beggar.

"would you cry for me when i die?" hoshina heard you gasp on the other line.

"i'm hanging up now", you exclaimed without saying goodbye. the silence after that was deafening, but even then hoshina kept his phone on the side of his face, listening. "i wanna see you tonight", you spoke at last.

"would it make a difference?" his voice cracked but he didn't care. he was exhausted of pretending he was doing alright without you, in making himself believe that his love reaches you where his hands couldn't.

he said your name once more and it felt like a knife was being twisted within him.

"don't you dare do this to me," you threatened. "wait for me there, okay?" you added this time, pleading.

hope is a greedy, grasping thing and hoshina soshiro let it take hold of him fully.

"i will."

[cxvii666]

WHY'S THIS DEALER? TAKING THE PISS?!

cw: recreational drug use, bad language, reader is a dealer (loosely based on my last encounter with a fem plug), idiots in love, 21st century love at first sight,

- eventually will be a multi part fic im prolly gonna upload on ao3 but for now standalone

(i make myself laugh)

it's all denki's fault.

i mean it's normally denki's fault, (with a mixture of himself, kirishima, and mina, depending on the context, the situation, or, who bakugou is most mad at), but this time, it is DEFINITELY ALL DENKI'S FAULT.

"dude cmonnnnn. i already promised everyone i'd score for the party."

trust denki kaminari to make promises he can't keep.

so this is where hanta sero ends up, on the corner of the road, in miserable weather, freezing his ass off, waiting for this dealer. it's just gone half ten and hanta's not a fool, so when he saw the "i'll be der for 10" message pop up on his phone, he didn't leave his dorm till quarter past. but now his vape is dead, his phone is on like 10%, and his fingertips are cold, so yeah, he's a little bit pissed off. pissed at himself for not buying a new geek bar, pissed at denki for begging and whining and promising to 'let him have first draw', and pissed at this dickhead for taking their sweet time.

it's a new guy, the dealer. well at least, the number denki gave him was different than usual and their style of texting was nothing like the guy he usually picks up from. hanta likes to think he's relatively chill dude, but if this fucker, who charges even more for a 3.5, doesn't hurry up, he's gonna crash out.

after another slow ten minutes and another "yh man im almost there" text, a car finally pulls up in front of him. he stamps out what's left of his roll up and pushes himself off the fence he was leaning on as the car window slides down.

hanta fumbles and nearly drops his phone out of his hands when he sees you, sat in the drivers seat.

pretty half lidded eyes stare at him, he thinks he hears kendrick playing from your aux but he can't be sure because he's so caught up in you. fingers tapping rhythmically against the wheel, you look up at him through your lashes and call out slow and tired,

"sero, yeah?"

and, oh my god, his family name has never sounded better than it did coming from your plush lips.

he nods dumbly before realising that you probably can't see him very well in the dim lighting of the side road. "yeah. yeah, that's me," he coughs out, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible.

you face breaks out into a shy smile directly contrasting the cold stare down you'd be giving him before unlocking the car.

"omg, cool! sorry for making you wait so long! i know it's cold, d'you wanna hop in the passage seat rq?" and hanta doesn't even have time to internally debate the pros and cons of getting into a complete strangers car, because his feet are already carrying him across the road and into your front seat.

as he settles into your passenger seat, you slide your chair back the slightest and start rummaging around in a clearly well loved black leather handbag. hanta tries to still, or at least calm, his beating heart. you look strangely familiar, like he's met you in a dream or something. he takes a deep breath and remarks how your car smells faintly of oranges and you begin, "so who gave you my number?"

"kaminari-"

"wow" you laugh, your top lip curling slightly, teeth showing, hanta thinks your so pretty, "you know kaminari? damn, that guy's in my prac maths class and he's-"

suddenly hanta cringes internally, mind flashing back to a scene, maybe a couple days ago, of him and denki hitting blinkers at the bus shelter outside campus, talking about something stupid, them joking about hanta's apparent lack of game (which is not true at all), and denki saying something about some pretty girl in his class who he smokes with sometimes and, in his words, was, 'exactly y'er type bro'.

"he's one of my roommates." is all he says though his lazy smile tenses slightly, no way denki planned this, right?

you hardly notice, rambling about your maths module, and the lack of work that got done between the two of you. you're trying to keep your voice even and not take too many glances at the hot guy, sero hanta, kaminari's cute roommate, who you had instagram stalked literally on the way over, while you were stuck in traffic, because you'd seen him on the blonde's story. it was some badly taken photo of a group of four guys all sat on top of each other on the same couch, two of them laughing, four beers and an open pack of amber leaf on the table. but sero, cheesing at the camera, sat on the thigh of a different blonde who seemed literal seconds away from punching his lights out, had caught your eye.

so to have him here, in your car, right next to you. so close you could practically smell him, and he smelt gooood, the standard stoner boy scent that you expected but with a mix of something spicy, lord-

when you finally look up to him from where you've been digging in your bag, phone in hand, hanta shuffles with the dead vape in his pocket trying to make it less obvious he'd spent the better part of five minutes just staring at you.

"speak of the devil." you shake your phone at hanta to take and on the screen is a recent chat between you and his best friend as well as a snap of him clearly drunk yelling at the camera from five- five minutes ago??

"he's so unserious." you laugh again, and take your phone back from hanta typing out a quick response then clicking your phone off. "you wanted an eighth yeah?"

hanta nods dumbly, still kinda shocked that denki pulled this off without him realising, and you pull out a little plastic bag with a couple nuggets inside and hand it to him.

he goes to grab the cash in pocket but you stop him with a gentle arm to his shoulder.

you drop your arm quick enough, overthinking your next actions but say anyway, "don't worry 'bout this one, yeah-"

"-what? nah 's fine i've got cash," he trails off, you're looking at him, beautiful wide eyes.

"no i've already made up my mind," you grin slowly at his slightly flustered state and for a moment neither of you talk. the song has long sinced changed and your radio is now playing an old rnb track he doesn't recognise but he finds himself relaxed in your presence.

"besides, i made you wait for so long, and," you continue quickly, your smile even wider, as hanta fixes his mouth to complain. "you're a friend of a friend, right?"

when he finally makes his way back to the party, denki's there, cheesing like an idiot, and when bakugou asks why he took forever, and he parrots him "yeah, sero, what took you so long?" slick as shit, hanta can't even bring himself to be pissed.

yeah it was denki's fault, but the weight of your number, your actual number, with your first name and a '<3' next to it, in his phone makes it worth it.

he throws the little baggie to his 'friend' and steals a vape off the table.

"dude stfu or i'm never picking up for you again."

[goose-duck]

🥧 Class Trip 🥧

~~~~~~

Maxley?? Fanfic oneshot thingy, idk, I'm sick and felt inspired. I say "maxley??" Bc it's Max and Bradley for sure but I dunno if it'll come off as romantic or not I actually have no idea what I'm writing...why am doing this when I'm sick? Oh well, enjoy ✨

~~~~~~

Our class is going on a trip today, I can't tell if I'm excited or not. We're going to a museum which isn't particularly entertaining...especially given its the one I'm employed at, but anything's better than class I suppose? I don't know why the professor decided to take us on a trip, he's usually so...uh...how do I describe him? Lame? Boring? Old? Decrepit? I should stop...before my inside thoughts become outside thoughts...though im sure everyone else is thinking the same thing. Maybe it's because it's the end of the year and he just kinda gave up? I don't know...why am I even still thinking about this?

I'm sitting where I usually sit with Bobby and PJ. We're waiting for the rest of the class...or at least most of the class, to show up so we can leave. Bobby and PJ are talking but I'm not overly interested. I started being friends with Bradley a few weeks ago...its been good...but it started off really weird. We don't talk much but there's less animosity between us now and we occasionally make light conversation. Bradley also sits with us now so that's cool I guess?? He's on the other side of me, my left side, the side of my dominant hand. Makes it difficult to write sometimes because we'll bump elbows. He's also here, he was here before everyone else, as always.

I lay my head on the table and look at him, admiring his sharp jawline and beautiful blue eyes...what..? Nevermind, he's got a nice face, it's not weird at all to think that. Right? Right! I'm not...uh...feeling things...at all. Totally normal thoughts and feelings here. I look down at the desk, silently judging myself before looking up at him again, meeting his eyes. Bradley's giving me a strange look, probably because I have my head on the table after having been so excited a few minutes ago. I'm just bored of waiting for the rest of the class. He gives me a soft smirk before rolling his eyes and going on his phone. I just continue with what I was doing.

I finally decide to say something, I say it every morning to him, "good morning, Brad." I say. He normal says good morning back but today he just looked at me before pulling out a bag of cough drops and popping one in his mouth. Ah, his throat must be sore. "You sick, Brad?" I question. He nods at me. I giggle a little, our professor's name is also Brad, it's funny, kinda.

Eventually most of the class shows up and we all start on our way to the museum. It's close enough to walk to but we have to walk down a steep hill which we all know will be miserable on the walk back up. It's a hot sunny day, 25°c, and it's only the morning. Bobby and PJ and ahead of me and Bradley by a little bit on our walk. I think Bradley is walking slower than usual because he's sick, he'd normally be out walking me and I'd have to run after him. On the walk down me and him share a few words and joke around a bit. We come to a crosswalk and a few people jaywalk instead of using the crosswalk, not a big deal but Bobby makes a joke about it being illegal before soon following suit and also not using the crosswalk.

A little further on our walk and we're on a flat spot before the next hill we have to go down. Somehow me and Bradley ended up in front of Bobby and PJ, I guess we were walking quicker than I thought. Bobby walks up to Bradley holding out a $10 bill, "Hey, Brad?" He says laughing a little. "What, Bobby?" Bradley responds, his voice sounding hoarse from his cold. "I'll give you $10 to carry me the rest of the way." Bobby suggest, holding the bill more out to Bradley. Bradley laughs, taking the money and stops walking to Bobby can get on his back. Me and PJ stop walking too to watch this. Bobby hops up on Bradley's back and Bradley let's out a huff, walking a little ways before dropping Bobby and giving him his money back. "You're heavier than you look!" Bradley says sounding a little more tired than before, "how much do you weigh!?" He quickly adds on. Bobby tells him he doesn't keep track then retorts my asking Bradley how much he weights. Apparently Bradley weighs 220 lbs...double the amount I weigh, literally, I weigh 120. Bradley then says, "fuck, you're probably heavier than I am, Bobby, no wonder you're so hard to carry!" Bobby gets offended but doesn't deny it. I laugh a little, as we all continue walking.

Eventually we get to the museum, it's a historical museum full of old artifacts from the native people of the area. I got my job here three years ago, I got in on account of being indigenous myself. They wanted indigenous people to work here with these artifacts rather than the people who colonized our land. Fair enough, and it got me a job that pays more than minimum wage, so, win for me.

When we get inside my boss introduces herself and tells us all what we'll be doing. A scavenger hunt. I already know where everything is as I helped set it up, but I don't say anything, I'll be the secret weapon to whoever decides to work with me as we're told to get into teams of two. Bobby and PJ group up and so does everyone else, leaving me and Bradley, which I'm not opposed to. My boss gives everyone their clipboards giving me a look when she got to me and Bradley. "Why'd she look at you like that?" Bradley inquires. I giggle a little, signalling him to come a little closer so I can whisper to him, "I work here." I whisper into his ear. He gives a look, "ah, how convenient, so we'll get this done in no time?" I give him a snide look, "nope, if you were a cute girl maybe I would have, but you're Bradley Uppercrust iii, I'm sure you can do this without my help." I joke, making it clear I'm not letting him use me as an advantage. Bradley sighs, rolls his eyes, then gets started on the scavenger hunt.

While Bradley does the scavenger hunt I go find some of my coworkers and chat with them. Mostly just talking about how school's been for everyone. Some found university easy, others said it was miserable, one said she didn't have the money to continue. I felt bad for her, but there's not much I can do right now. Bradley gives the clip board with the scavenger hunt sheet to our teacher, Mr. Bradley, then walks over to our group to join in on the conversation until we get told we have to go back to campus.

About an hour later Mr. Bradley calls us all to meet at the front of the building, telling us it's time to go back now. A student asks who got done the hunt first, Mr. Bradley says it was Bradley. Huh, looks like he didn't need my help after all. Good for him. A few students groan and glare at Bradley but I give him a high five. "Good job, dude! Told ya you didn't need my help!" Bradley smiles at me in response to that, ruffling my hair and giving me a thumbs up. His throat must be hurting again, poor guy. Being sick is miserable. Sick on a trip where you have to walk everywhere? Even worse.

The first part of the walk back is fine, but it's definitely a lot hotter out now. I have Bradley check his phone, it's 31°c. Holy fuck...we're gonna die on the big hill just before the school.

Once we get to that hill Bradley gives me a worried look putting his hand on my back. I'd been breathing quite heavily, I didn't find it strange, I'm used to it, it's always like this for me, anemia kicking my ass at all times of the day. I look pale and I'm sweaty and can barely think, but I know I just have to make it back to class and sit down and get a drink. Bradley doesn't seem to think I'll make it though as I stumble around the sidewalk almost falling a few times. Bradley's hold on my tightens a bit when I almost fall into an oncoming vehicle. "You sound like you're dying.." Bradley says saying stressed. I laugh before coughing a little, finding it humourous that he's sick yet I'm the one having such a hard time. Bradley offers to carry me the rest of the way but I'm too prideful to let him, telling him I can make it on my own.

Once we get to the top of the hill there's a bunch of little kids and a few adults, I recognize them from the nearby daycare center. They're adorable, this one in a pink bucket hat waves at me and Bradley so I wave back. Bradley also gives the child a small wave before pulling me along so we actually make it to the school rather than me just being distracted with the adorable children. I'd never want kids of my own, but if a friend of mine had kid's I wouldn't mind babysitting for them.

Once we get into the foyer of the school Bradley quickly tries to pull me over to a vending machine and buy me a bottle of water. While he's doing that one of my friends walk by and asks what me and Bradley were up to, point out how we both look a mess. I can't get my words out because I'm still breathing heavily from the walk so I just wave and give a thumbs up. I'm sure that'll be a satisfactory answer, right?

Bradley comes back over to me with the bottle of water, opening it for me and shoving it up to my mouth. I guess he doesn't trust me to do it myself...do I really look like I'm in that bad of shape right now? Maybe I should just take the water. I drink the water Bradley is holding up to my mouth until I swat his hand away a little so I don't drown. He pulls the bottle of water away from my lips, allowing me to breathe and screwing the lid back onto the bottle. He then hands me the water and puts a hand on my back before pushing me along back to the lecture hall so we can sit down. I give him a nod as a thanks and he smiles and nods back.

[desultory-suggestions]

hi there, thank you so much for running this blog! i have been following you for a long time and appreciate what you do so much, and i’ve been struggling with something and was looking for an ear or some advice so i thought i would come here.

this summer has been pretty hard on me mentally for a few reasons. being back home with family, as I live across the country for university and even studied abroad this semester, it’s always an adjustment living with people I love but sometimes struggle dealing with. i’m also back to an environment where I have no strict schedule, less friends, no privacy, no personal space, etc., and i got pretty sick for a portion of the summer.

this is my last summer before i graduate and i put many expectations on myself for how it would go (fun/personal life wise, but also academics/career wise). despite this sense of urgency and also these expectations, this past month of june i basically just rotted away in my bed, feeling depressed and anxious and not really doing anything about it. i did go out and about a few times and even got myself hired for two jobs, but there were so many responsibilities i ignored while rotting away and just feeling miserable for myself. now im finally clawing my way out of this hole i dug for myself, and im realizing how much i screwed myself over��all of the things i need to do would have been so much easier and enjoyable (!!!!!) had i not procrastinated. it feels like my memory for june is mainly just a haze when it could have been so great.

my question is—how do i cope with these feelings of self-disappointment, and almost self-disgust for the time i lost? for the moments i could have been better but didn’t? how do i cope with the knowledge that my summer could have looked totally different now, and that the power was in my hands to change it? the rest of my summer is looking pretty busy as i scramble to pick up the missing pieces, and im sad because i wanted it to feel special since it’s my last summer of university. any time i acknowledge the challenges i faced and the victories i did have just feels like making excuses for myself.

anyways, sorry for this ramble, and thank you for your time! i hope you are doing well and enjoying yourself.

Hello, dearest. First of all I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. I know right now you’re struggling with these heavy feelings, and it’s important to know that despite your inner struggles you are seen and loved and respected by those around you.

It sounds like you have worked very hard and been very busy for a long time. I know as a full time college student myself that the amount of work expected of us is often unbearable. People talk about it like a simple process, a part time commitment. It is not! You have been working a constant minimum of a full time job, plus additional work for pay, plus travel, plus family and friends needs, plus basic self care. Of course all of this can be so overwhelming and lead to a sense of burn out. Changing the language you use is giving reasons is not making excuses. Cultivate a mindset of correcting yourself:

“I’m making excuses -> I’m acknowledging the challenges and moving forward.”

I found quickly into college my high achiever mindset flipped into a constant sense of failure. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and like I just fell behind everyone else I respect. I wallowed in this for far too long, so trust me when I tell you not to spend all your time worrying about the past. Everyone has had a time like these, sometimes weeks, months, and sometimes years. But it is never too late to change the present and future.

You may not feel like it, but if summer meant laying in bed and barely doing anything maybe that’s what you needed. If your body and mind were too beaten down to do much, that’s not your fault. Remember that you are just one person, and this was one summer. You will have countless more summers to live out your dreams. Summer 2022 I barely left my room, depression, anxious, I pretty much rotted in bed! I was burnt out and struggling. Summer 2023 I worked my ass off at my new job, made friends, and started going to parties and even a music festival. Summer 2024 is now, and I’m in a solid mix of work, school, friends, and working to take care of myself. Life will not always look how we imagine it too, but often it will turn out much better.

Nothing that has already happened can be changed, all you have power over is the current and the future. Tons of people express the same sentiment to me

“I didn’t do X and now all I do is Y and it makes me feel Z so I don’t do X!”

And I totally understand! But this is the trap right here! This is what resembles the grave but isn’t! The more time you spend contemplating what you should have done the more past you create where you didn’t do what you wanted. It is so important to develop the ability to go “oh well, what do I want Now?” This takes practice. When you catch yourself in the internal doomscroll of all that you should have done, literally say “oh well, that’s the past. What do I want to do right now and how can I do it?”

Actions you can take:

- Make a list of goals you have tiered by right away, short term, medium term, and long term. Make sure to include a tier for goals that feel impossible! You’d be surprised what you can do!

- Start by picking one thing you want to change. Go on a walk every day, listen to an audiobook or music on that walk. Bam! Two enriching activities at once. Cook one new recipe a week or every other week.

- When at home from school, work to establish your independence in the home. This is hard! Family dynamics vary, but if you can, try to communicate with your family about personal space and boundaries. Perhaps rearrange your space at home to fit your needs as a more adult space while still maintaining your nostalgic environment.

- Cultivate a positive mindset and excitement for what comes next. This summer is not just an end, it’s a beginning! What do you want next? You can have it if you believe in yourself.

A final piece of advice. I started college with such high hopes and dream of what it would be. The summers with friends, late night studying in the library, goofing off between classes, getting to be this dream idealized self. For various reasons, this didn’t happen. I felt so angry that my experience with college had been tainted and forcefully taken from me, and I stayed angry for a while. This constant obsession with regret starts to eat you alive until you can’t see how good things are right in this moment. This did not get better because I somehow changed the past, it got better because I accepted that this was an idealized dream of one tiny part of my life. It got better when I started aiming towards the future. It’s ok to feel sad that you didn’t get what you wanted, but that doesn’t mean you never will. I am happier for moving on and saying I’d had enough grieving a hypothetical. You are real, you are young and alive and filled with dreams. It will never be too late, and there is nothing you could have missed this summer that cannot be achieved in a happier and healthier situation.

Start making today special. You are filled with light, dreams, and love. You will create the life you dreamed of, filled with adventure and happiness. Treat yourself tenderly, this is your first time being alive, the first last summer of college. You are learning and growing. I am so proud of you as you are now, and all that you will become. Keep the sparks alive, and I’m always here if you need someone to support or another senior in college to lean on!

I hope this helps!

Evan

P.S. here’s a poem that’s helped me!

[whoblewboobear]

Staring down that weird feeling of feeling like too much or out of place or annoying if I say too much or say things too loud or too off-putting to be like- WANTED in any given social situation. To try so hard to socialize just to- idk. I’d very much like to stop defaulting to that scared kid that was pushed away or talked over until I got old enough and desperate enough to say any and every rapid fire thought that comes to mind. Like filling space when there’s dead air then wondering if maybe I did the Too Much™️ thing again and A. Scared everyone away or B. Pushed everyone away so it would hurt less when they leave BC of A.

Of feeling like I need to be useful or smart or talented or pretty or SOMETHING worthwhile so people want me around. I can just be but then it’s like just being has never been enough for anyone to like- stay. Or care. Running is always a mistake bc it’s like riiiight.. no one noticed you ran, babe. You’re not even at the top of their list people to want around. And just feel so low about it that I talk myself into feeling miserable again.

I’m happy, ive been so much happier lately and i dont take it for granted bc it’s so rare that things go okay or that there’s a sense of peace for a moment. I’m creating again and im less hard on myself about it. I have hobbies again, I’m making friends. And still I’m like seeing the other foot start to drop in real time bc it’s like. You’re in, but are you? That constant nagging voice that sounds so much like my own going “lonely again? Good you deserve it”

[hollowtones]

im really glad you generally like answering questions from people because i like this blog so so much

Q&A stuff is fun! I like doing it ^_^

Once in a blue moon I'll clown on a weird or bad message I get & I feel like that gives some folks the impression that this is some horrible burden or undertaking I'm forcing myself into & making myself miserable about, or that the majority of the questions I get are uncomfortable or invasive or weird, and I don't really understand why. I'm asking people to ask me questions, y'know? I'm inviting it! It's fun to talk about stuff!

If someone's a nuisance I block 'em, but I don't often have to do that. If I don't have anything to say about a particular message I just delete it. If I don't have the time or the energy to look at my inbox I simply don't. And it's fun! It's fun for me like this! I like to do fun things!

I don't know how to say this without it maybe sounding weird, but: Thanks for sending in questions.

[unlimitedbutchworks]

reasons i also dont mention being mixed, at all, ever. if i ever have the ‘wrong’ opinion someone inevitably is just going to say im white and because opinions are like assholes (everyone has em) im also inevitably bound to have a ‘wrong’ opinion, so i just dont. keeping my head down. but also depriving myself of community interaction bc i feel like it isnt my place to. ah, the things race discourse (& not referring solely to the internet in this either, since blood quantum & stolen children were invented & implemented long before) has done to people who had the audacity to… *checks notes* be fucking born!

sorry for the long ask - just a bit of 🤝 solidarity in that. its isolating & i wanted to let u know ur not alone. it kinda sucks sometimes (and no really, horribly transmisogynistic and sexually harassing anon. i wonder why it sucks. did you, perhaps, use race as a weapon meant to disarm)

🤝🤝🤝🤝🤝🤝 it’s hilariously, wildly, deeply unfair, and we HAVE to recognize it as such and stop taking this: “all poc have the Right Opinions, which I happen to have all of, perfectly, and anyone who could disagree with any of them even in part is actually just a devious Liar�� bullshit seriously, so transparently garbage, useless idpol that does nothing but make talking about actual internalized racism & other bigotries harder, but for the liberal who thinks he’s radical I guess it’s just too comforting having an essentialist conception of morality like that

and re: your second ask, yeah, it’s miserable. most people on tumblr are pretty dogshit at actually caring about oppressed groups they’re not a part of and trying not to contribute to their oppression, but this is a really truly stunning example. well, maybe not stunning for spaceboytoi given the whole wh40k fandomite thing, which I now cannot imagine she is media-literate enough to understand all the reactionary shit in, but nonetheless. the majority always cares more about sounding right and moral than trying to continually improve oneself. maybe one day we can move past only caring about minorities enough to tokenize their issues as weapons against those that irritate you but evidently we’re not there yet

[moodr1ng]

lengthy discussion of ed treatment/management under the cut but nothing triggering or specific

i think its funny that im like.. (i believe) very good at giving advice regarding eating disorders to other people.. like, i will often give detailed, multi-paragraph, nuanced advice and information on dealing with eds and give people lists of ways they can reach for help, advice on managing disordered eating behaviors as best as possible, reassurance that yes, what theyre describing is a real ed, yes they deserve help, no they dont need to get any sicker to get help, ill frequently ask people who are down on themselves or ashamed bc of eating disorders to let me have faith in them on their behalf/let them know that im proud of them even if they arent/reassure them that they are never alone with this even in the worst part of an ed when it feels like youre the only person this fucked up on the planet/celebrate their wins and improvements if they have no one to be proud of them/etc. and none of this im saying to congratulate myself like.. i am somewhat educated on this topic, i like being able to use that to help out people, im not doing anything extraordinary or praiseworthy, i just have a certain level of skill/knowledge in handling eds and so i feel its sort of a responsibility i want to take on to put that to use.

but the point is.. i can do all this for other people but when it comes to myself? i dont follow any of my advice. my relationship to food is terrible and so is that to my body. i know all this stuff, i have all these nice things to say to other people - and i can't apply any of it to myself.

and though i always encourage people to reach out to medical professionals, to nutritionists, to therapists specializing in ed, to hotlines, to ed clinics.. i have been let down by every single one of those. my nutritionist told me my eating problems are a psychiatric issue and therefore she simply couldnt help me in any way. my psychiatrist listened to me describe my ed and had no advice bc he doesnt specialize in this and cant help me. the ed clinic in my city wouldnt offer me treatment bc they only take extremely underweight patients. a nutrition/ed support clinic a friend recommended wont take me either bc im not overweight enough. i contacted an ed hotline, set up a phone appointment with the hotline worker, and got ghosted. every avenue of help i have found has said "i cant help you" or "i wont help you". and yet here i am, still telling people to seek professional support and hoping they have better luck than me..

idk. sometimes i just feel phony, yknow? like, here i am giving people all this reassuring, in-depth, affirming advice that sounds like.. wise or like i know my shit right, and then you go look at my post history on the same account and theres my post about my relapse and how profoundly i hate myself and am disgusted with myself. it makes me feel like.. me still being in the deep of the ed devalues my advice. you peek under the curtain, and the guy who talks like he has it all figured out and can help you is just as lost, scared, ashamed and miserable as you.

not sure what im trying to say. just. think about this regularly ig. i wonder how i wouldve fared in a world where i didnt get rejected from returning to the psychology course, in a world where i become someones therapist - would i have too felt like an absolute phony, a poser, if i had become a therapist while being this mentally unwell? idk. maybe. it doesnt matter now, anyway.

[mbat]

oh i havent listened to next semester since before i turned 21 this is doing things to me. hearing him say 'start fresh with a new year' is getting to me.

i dropped out of highschool when i was 14 because i was suicidal and in a really toxic situation that would (unbeknownst to me at the time) leave me with trauma that im still sorting through to this day, and it was a choice i made that no one in my life understood or liked, especially my parents. i know why i did it, but i never got over that choice. its such a... shamed choice.

i mean, theres a stigma to it i feel like, not that i need to get into that, but also finishing school is encouraged because jobs want you to at least have a diploma i guess, but also so you can get into college and whatever

and while im not even sure i have a chance at going to college, and getting a job sounds like itll make me miserable all over again, i still want to finish school. even if i dont even pursue either of those things, i still want to finish school.

not to mention, maybe ill make friends there. my traumatizing situation left me isolating myself, i have no real life friends, especially not any of the people i used to know in school. and i didnt even get to go through any of the experiences people always talk about having in highschool, though lets be real thats probably for the best lol. i hope if i get to finish school, that ill make friends.

before i get to my point, this song also hits me because it sounds so much like trauma, i dont know how to explain it in a brief way like im doing here, but the way it feels like trauma resonates with me, and its connection to school and starting fresh next year just all around resonates with me. it felt like exactly what i needed and when i needed it.

but my point is... where i am, and in a few other places, goodwill has a program where people who didnt finish highschool can sign up for that program, and get a diploma when they finish. not a GED, or even a HSE, a diploma. but you have to be 21 to sign up for it... and i just turned 21 twelve days ago as of writing this.

and im just thinking... i can fix my mistakes. i can just go back and finish what i stopped years ago. its felt so much like all my mistakes were unfixable, something i couldnt change or help, and that id be stuck with the consequences forever, frozen in place for the rest of my life based on things i did when i was a child.

but im not. if i get accepted to this program... i can fix it. i can finally get my life back on track after 7 whole years of nothing happening in my fucking life. ive spent my entire teenage years and even into my 20s rotting away, thinking my life was over... but it doesnt have to be. it really doesnt have to be.

i kept feeling like me turning 21 was whatever, just an excuse for my family to finally take me drinking and gambling even though i dont like doing those... but its actually the best thing that could happen for me. finally, i get to continue living my life. i can finally try to go back to being a person after years of not being one.

i dont even know how to make it sound as important as it is to me. words really cant capture how much this is so fucking important to me. i get to start fresh. i cant change what ive done, but i can start fresh. im so happy.

[hpowellsmith]

hello! i really hope you feel better soon! sending all good vibes your way✨ confession: i’ve actually only played cdlc so far (i know! i know, shame on me) but in my defence i got so fixated on a specific RO (im curious if u could guess who before i say!) that i haven’t even been able to bring myself to deviate much from my very specific route to woo them every time i restart the game😅

anyways, my cdlc mc: sasha vitari, a relatively reserved personality who presents as exceedingly prim and proper. prefect, fairly studious, enjoys horse riding as her token physical activity!

was very well educated in upper class etiquette/behaviour from a young age due to her parents ambitions for the family to social climb n tends to follow the role expected of her to a T, but isnt actually snobbish abt it? struggled a lot internally with relating to her peers as a kid n ended up adopting the strict social scripts as a sort of aid/mask for how to behave, but doesn’t really expect the same of others. under the mask is pretty plain spoken, doesn’t emote as much, but is deeply earnest (yes shes nd haha)

rather agreeable (maybe even a bit of a pushover) n intrigued by people who don’t feel the need to follow social norms - quietly delighted by it and willing to go with their flow.

her main RO is max! (w the occasional polyam triad w delacroix n quiet karson flirting on the side) i like to think max got a bit of thrill out of the idea of sasha having such a ‘demure’ front but being drawn to them so easily + also appreciating how nonjudgemental she is :’-)

also, a random fun fact since you mentioned smut, i adored the kind of relationship sasha could have with max so much that i was actually inspired to write my first ever smut fic about them! (apologies for the ramble, i just got really excited to talk abt cdlc!)

Aww thank you so much - I am currently feeling a bit miserable with a lot of ear pain but my wife is looking after me very kindly and I've been able to play a bit of Baldur's Gate 3 today.

Sasha sounds amazinnnng <3333 and it's truly a huge compliment that you've felt inspired to write by CDLC!

[revoltinglittleworm]

had the grand idea of going back to school again (again). ive been well aware of the fact that i want this for myself, and have felt robbed of the entire school experience. and im not even just talking about college, my entire experience with school and learning has been for the majority, very bad and uncomfortable, practically all due to mental health problems.

i started an application for FIT. (fashion school...) when i first went to college, it was originally with the plan that i was going to study fashion. (at Parsons. before i ended up dropping out).

do i feel ... kind of crazy? yeah. maybe its a horrible idea but honestly the more i think about it the more it sounds like a good thing. i am unhappy with my current job. my life feels stagnant and like nothing is going to ever change unless i force it to. and i am lacking certain skills/knowledge that i want to gain and i see that happening with a place like a fashion school.

also, the only reason it would be a horrible idea is because of the financial aspect of it. if college wasn't so disgustingly expensive then it would be fine and positive and a Good thing to go and learn and explore and better yourself. its really sad that capitalism robs us all of anything good in life.

but anyway-- i dont know how the rest of the application looks or when it all needs to be done but i've done the most basic steps so far, (requested my transcripts, filled out my info for FIT/New York State college stuff).

if you dont already know, i spend majority of my time working with dogs, and as much as i love it and find it relatively easy, it isnt stimulating enough nor is it allowing nearly enough time and energy to be used towards my creative endeavors which are what truly matter to me. i've been doing this job for 3 years now... i am so tired and feel stumped creatively because my art has not been consistent or worked on enough because who has the time and energy!!?? not me!!

i have a lot of things i'd like to work on, a lot of goals, and a lot of ambition. my ideal situation is, im making my own clothing and accessories full time at home, while i also continue to work on the novel im writing. freelance jobs on the side too, i guess. and in the future i'll have plenty of other things to strive for, but what i want now is to be able to make things i find beautiful, things i think represent me and how i see the world, etc...

im stuck in an awful cycle of: i need to get out of this job which means i need to work extra hard creating so i can have the money and means to quit BUT im so tired all the time after work that i cant push myself so ill continue to do this job i dont want because i need money to survive and be miserable and wish and wish and wish i was in a good financial place with a steady foundation for my art/sales.

;/

[apollo-gate]

Yuri's regret

Hello, So this is different.

This can be confusing as this is Yuri's thoughts and As you know thoughts are confusing. So it sorta jumps here and there. I just want to give a peak into her mind. (I also have another prompt that will be posted later.)

I was once told to be loved was the greatest thing in the universe. I should have known that was a lie. And how you don't see what you had till it's gone. That one I should have paid attention to.

I won't say putting oneself above others isn't right or wrong, but it matters now. The way I grew up was second best to everything because I clawed my way to be an idol at 19. It was pretty common. But I was proud of myself. I didn't do it to be loved not at first no but eventually I lost myself and the reason why I started down this path.

My Mother never cared nor my Farther for that matter. What mattered was my brother the first born. Maybe that's why I laughed when the media said he died in a pile of vomit. I never said I was a good person.

But it felt like I came out on top. But I didn't because I lost the one thing that mattered more than anyone or anything else.

You.

Your smile was there when I needed to be cheered up. Your laugh was so heart-stopping that it made me think I did that. That angelic sound was reserved for me. And your eyes, oh how people made a big deal about them being cat-shaped, but we both knew they were right.

Your eyes were one of the most captivating on you. The first time I saw you I froze. And the anger you hid under them but you never said a word. Then again I never asked why you were so adamant to become an Idol. But I never shared why I did it either.

But what sticks with me still is seeing your face when the scandal hit. And the news of your departure and how they were getting rid of you completely.

I didn't know what to say. Ari wanted to kill me. Sun was so busy with Manager Shwoo to see you. But if she did she would have hit me. I don't know why I felt proud.

Sure I was getting the position I always wanted. Then again it meant ruining you in the process. And I wasn't able to comfort you this time instead sweet Haneul did that.

I couldn't come to you and apologize because at that moment I wasn't myself. Now in the present, it's different sure we're all together but you're not here now.

The fans know but they stopped asking after a while and Sun I haven't seen her smile or smirk in a long time. Just a business relationship. Then Ari and Haneul still hate me but put on a good facade for the public. It's easy to lie when all you've ever done is lie.

I used to run to you when a new book came out or the movie adaptation was made and be so excited to watch it with you. You never looked at me like I was weird no you got just as excited. I don't read much anymore not since that night.

I really did fuck you and us over. I miss your smell and the sound of your voice. I miss how you would say to everyone that we have to hug before the show as you called it. I never knew how great your hugs were until you were gone.

I can say I made a mistake but I wasn't a child no I was an adult I was older and in my own stupid head decided I was more important.

Maybe I don't deserve love at least not yours.

You should have dated Haneul. You were a few months older but still closer in age. If I didn't pursue you maybe things would have been different.

I wonder if you blame the stage malfunction on me as well. I would.

Your last stage performance was ruined and we no I couldn't go to the hospital to see you.

I still remember the news of the new group being talked about at the office and you being a part of it. I can't say I was surprised but then again you were hardworking.

Maybe one day I can say im sorry. Maybe in another life we can get our happy ending. Because this is just miserable amd I deserve far worse.

[chaosandthe-deadblog]

hello hi i have not been alive for too long but here's my undefinitive guide on how to live and not feel miserable in the process by someone way too young to tell you how to do it, okay? okay (aka collection of advice i've been given that i want to share)

take all this with a grain of salt. i might wake up and think totally different tomorrow

love isn't what makes us human. however, i do think creating is. draw poorly. write shitty poetry. knit horrible sweaters. you have been tricked into thinking your creations are only worthy if they are good but that is a lie. make art.

you've heard of this before but quit the suicide jokes. a well timed "im going to kill myself" is funny from time to time, but your brain internalizes that stuff.

even if you don't have any close friends hang out with people. we're social creatures and we're meant to socialize (i know, it sucks.) but like i hate to admit it but i started having a better time in class after i stopped worrying whether people liked me or not and just started talking to them

things are meant to be used! candles are meant to be burned! clothes are meant to be worn! don't wait for that special time if you really want to use something. overdress light that scented candle use the fancy dishes when you're eating pizza drink out of wine glasses

not to sound like your grandpa but get off your phone. (im yet to fully master this one) im serious. i went on a walk the other day (i never do that) and i maybe looked at my phone twice. sometimes you ARE too much time on that damn phone and i swear to god today i made a commitment to try not to look at my social media feeds too much and i was in a good mood all day

the nicest thing you can do for someone in my opinion is give them food

be nice to strangers, also. i personally am planning on drawing portraits for people on the street and gifting them to them. my little way of putting joy into the world :)

never ever ever EVER apologize for being passionate about something. bitter people will tell you its embarassing but its a trap. love is never embarassing. be annoying about your interests

this one is a little weird i think. i keep a journal. every day i try to write at least One Nice Thing about my day. just one. it can be as small as "i saw a nice tree today" but it makes me realize no time is wasted even if i technically did nothing all day, i still lived to see a cool tree. which brings me to my next point

productivity is a capitalist invention. seriously. we don't live to produce. this is just to say you are not alive to be productive. i don't recommend scrolling endlessly and mindlessly either. just, i don't know, it's okay to not be productive all the time

when you feel lost you will always have music and movies and shows

sometimes all you can do in the face of grief is fold a shirt. watch a movie. go to sleep and wake up the next day.

we should all be at least a TINY BIT cringy about something