#maybe i just dont understand what neurodivergence really is but from the way it's discussed I don't want my ocd to be framed in such a way

[six-of-cringe]

Am I the only one that feels super uncomfortable with being placed under the "neurodivergent" umbrella because of OCD? From what I understand, neurodivergence describes people whose minds process information/are wired differently, but is more of a neutral difference rather than all negative. It implies that there are pros and cons to the condition, that it's just another way of being, and that it makes up a part of your identity - who YOU actually are. Please correct me if that's not accurate, but if that's the case, then I hate the idea of OCD being associated with me in that way. I don't care if other people identify with neurodivergence on account of their OCD, but to me the condition is a burden, pure and simple, and I find strength in the idea that my OCD doesn't represent who I am as a person. I have my personality, and OCD is a malignant growth that I have to work to cope with so that it doesn't keep me from being my true and best self. Aligning it with neurodivergence feels to me like fusing it to my identity, implying that OCD is essential to my personality, how I take in the world, responsible for even the good aspects of me. It makes it seem like OCD HAS "pros" to it, which only suggests that if I treat it, the things that make me "good" or "myself" will go away, a fear I've struggled to overcome for a long time. It doesn't represent and is not responsible for what I am like as a person. It's a malfunction of my brain, and treating it as a neutral difference or as inextricable from my personhood spits in the face of all the work I've done to be okay

[clownrecess]

As an autistic individual myself, I am interested in the intersection of neurodiversity and various identities.

You've mentioned that you identify as a Norse Pagan. I'm curious about how your spiritual beliefs intersect with your neurodivergent experience. Do you find that your autistic identity informs or impacts your spiritual practice in any way?

(Tw for discussions of trauma, religion, etc.)

Sorry for the late-ish response! I've been working on this post a little everyday to make sure I write it how I want it.

I dont think that my autism has impacted my religion or spirtual experiences/beliefs, but my brain as a whole does. (Update: It actually did influence it quite a bit. I'm realizing this after writing this post. So, uh, thank you for helping me realize something that I find quite interesting!)

When I was a kid, I was raised in christianity. I was very religious. I prayed everyday, I had a cross in my room, etc.

But heres the thing: I have OCD. A few different types, but out of those, one of them is religious OCD.

Most of my praying ages late 8-12 was done purely out of fear. At that point I wasnt even really a Christian, I was just really afraid, which really impacted how I viewed religion. I HATED conversation about it because it felt scary and icky to me.

I didn't understand why people would ever want to talk about it. It felt like a very private topic for me, so I figured people who go out of their way to talk about it must be trying to get extra "good points" with god (maybe that bit was caused by autism, actually.).

During that time, I would go through little phases of a month or so at a time in which I would try to "swing the opposite direction". This was around age 10-11. I was developing an intense anger toward the church, and I just wanted to be the opposite of they were, whatever that meant. Because I didn't want to think about religion (due to anxiety around it), I really didn't know what many religious labels actually meant because researching them made me very uncomfortable, so I briefly identified as a satanist (this would be on and off during ages 10-11.) despite really not knowing what that meant. I think I just wanted a way to separate myself from the church as much as possible.

A few months after I turned 12, I felt a really strong urge to research paganism out of nowhere (I didnt even know what "pagan" meant, I just suddenly felt the need to know things about it. It was very random.). It started sort of as a special interest (Maybe autism did influence me more than I thought! Interesting.), and so I would look into a lot of different branches of paganism, focusing most of my research around hellenistic paganism.

A few weeks after this, I had a very interesting experience which I now believe to have been a sign from Freyja (I dont want to go into specifics. It was personal and I want to keep that special to me. I might later, but for now it's just mine. Just know it was a very beautiful thing from her.). DIRECTLY following this event (Maybe an hour or two later), I felt another urge to research things, but this time to be looking into the Norse Gods/Goddesses (which I'd never even heard of at that point.).

At that point I ended up converting to paganism. It was an extremely sudden decision, but it made sense to me.

No matter what religion I had been apart of before, I always felt anxiety and guilt, causing me to try and fix things by becoming excessively religious again in a Christian way. But from the moment I became pagan, I just never had that ever again. It's been the only religion I've ever felt fully safe in.

It's obviously been quite a while since then, and I'm obviously still a Norse Pagan.

Whilst I now love all the gods and goddesses, Freyja will always be especially special to me.

At this point I have worked with: Freyja, Loki, Odin, Beyla, and Njord.

Now, I also think its important to mention another part of my brain that impacts my religious experience: I am in a system.

Nearly all of us identify as Norse Pagans, but we have a few Agnostics as well, a few Eclectic Pagans, an Atheistic Satanist, and a Theistic Satanist.

The primary religious identity within our system is Norse Paganism, with the majority of individuals identifying as followers of this belief system. Due to this, we say we are a Norse Pagan! We are also okay with just being called "Pagan" on it's own, though.

[drchucktingle]

favorite author i have never read

hey there buckaroos thank you for all the DEEP DISCUSSIONS we are having a great time here on tumblr. thought today i could make a post that is slightly more difficult its not all sunshine days ahead and requires a little introspection. LOOK AT US we have all arrived here together through trust and love and i think we can keep this going. chuck made this post on other platforms years ago and i think it was said very well then and led to some good discussion, so i am going to repost here. okay lets go deep bud here we go:

i would like to spend moment today talking about common joke i hear online (and even too my face at conventions). this is jokerman way i hear ALL the dang time: 'chuck tingle is my favorite author i have never read' or less jokerman way but of ‘i have never read his books but i love chuck tingle'.

first of all, THANK YOU buds. this is not way of call out post to make you feel bad, i appreciate your way and understand you are trying to support. this is not attack on your message and from bottom of chucks heart THANK YOU.

BUT i have to say something about this. please consider what you are saying when you post this. would you send this as message to STEPHEN KING or NEIL GAIMAN or NK JEMISIN? i doubt this. it would seem VERY RUDE to message other authors. just imagine trotting up to a writer and saying ‘i would NEVER read your books haha’ but it is sent to chuck all the dang time.

obvious reason buds say it to chuck is that i am queer author with a unique way. yes i write in realm of wild fantasy and erotic pairings, but by saying ‘i have never read chuck BUT' you are really saying 'i am posting my support of this but PLEASE DONT THINK I AM REALLY INTERESTED IN THIS PERSONALLY.' there are similar distasteful jokes that i will not repeat involving saying 'no bud on bud pounds' after a sentence that works in similar way.

is sexual art really that bad? is queer art really that embarrassing? is unusual outsider art really that funny?

it is one thing if your preferred pound is not one of chucks tinglers, that is TOTALLY FINE BUD, but if you are an adult i would say 'is it REALLY that scary to read a book about a way of sex that is not yours? is it that difficult to think that something that seems silly to you could actually MOVE YOU in an important way? do you HAVE to disconnect yourself from lgtbqia art with a 'but i don't read this myself?'

keep in mind, there are gay tinglers, there are asexual tinglers, there are trans tinglers, there are select your own timeline tinglers, there are horror tinglers. TINGLERS FOR EVERY TASTE. the thing that buds are often REALLY saying with ‘favorite author i have never read’ is ‘this is WEIRD and dont be confused because im NOT WEIRD IM COOL DONT THINK I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS’. funny enough even the proudly fun and wild and unique buckaroos will STILL say this line, maybe without taking time to think of what it means or how rude it is?

WHY would you never read a chuck book? because my way is queer? because it is neurodivergent? even if that is not there reason or even if YOUR ARE ALSO PERSONALLY QUEER AND NEURODIVERGENT TOO, think about what the joke is IMPLYING.

is sincerely enjoying something thats kind of unusual that difficult? do we really have to slather it in irony and ‘so bad its good?’ before reposting?

in closing as man name of chuck i will say you can still make this joke if you want buckaroos i know you are just having a good time proving love in your own way. i am not upset with you bud and i appreciate your support in any way you give it. there are some buckaroos who just CANT AFFORD tinglers and that is an important way i understand as well. obviously this conversation does not apply to those buds. but for the rest of us trotting along, MAYBE think about what you are really saying with this jokerman way first, and MAYBE try cracking open a tingler because you might be surprised. its not that scary bud. thank you for listening

being sincere is VERY COOL and VERY PUNK ROCK. i encourage all buckaroos out there to give it a try.

LOVE IS REAL

[cryzono]

On Hiyoko Age Headcanons

Put under a readmore because it contains discussion of csa

I'm very sorry, but I'm speaking out about something that's bothered me for awhile. There is a popular headcanon that Hiyoko is a younger child than the rest of her classmates, and I believe some of the discussion around it is misguided. However, mostly the problem I have with the headcanon is a very personal one. It's one that I've been grappling with silently for awhile now, because I figured I was being unfair, that I was being biased. Maybe I am, that's your call, but please hear me out before you make that decision.

I must express that the primary reason this headcanon makes me uncomfortable is because it basically invents cocsa (child on child sexual assault) ships in the fandom. I know that any discussion of shipping is, ultimately, going to sound very petty, but I promise that I am discussing with serious intentions. Personally, I'm not very attached to Hiyoko ships, but some people are. Some people who are also survivors are. It is thus incredibly insensitive to me to make up this kind of headcanon, because it puts people in a situation where something they do for fun and for a sense of representation is suddenly reminding them of their trauma, and for no real reason other than its just a popular headcanon. Given the fact that one of these ships is one of the most popular wlw ships and that it can be argued that it has some elements of canon coding, you can understand my concern over the subject. At the end of the day, I dont care what you believe to be true about Hiyoko; but i draw the line at inventing cocsa ships. I draw the line at pretending anybody who ships her is anything like a proshipper. There are plenty of truly dangerous ships in this fandom, and its much more productive to target those ones instead of make up new ones.

Look at it this way; do this with any other character. You wouldn't do this to, say, Kokichi, who behaves "childishly," for similar reasons to Hiyoko, who has a small stature, and is often compared to a child. You wouldn't do this to Fuyuhiko, who is intended to parallel Hiyoko in just about every way, including appearance, disposition, and backstory. You wouldn't make an au where the popular ships involving them are now cocsa, because that'd be obviously incredibly insensitive to people who have experienced csa, right? Its the same sentiment here. Its made even worse by the fact that Hiyoko already is a character that people who have experienced csa are inclined to, being a victim of csa herself. So you can see how it might be really damaging to put people in that kind of situation.

And I can't help but notice that there is a big difference between Kokichi or Fuyuhiko and Hiyoko: Hiyoko is a girl. Women have been historically infantilized by society, Hiyoko is a character that has been infantilized by her society. Its clear that her behavior stems from how society treats her, and it feels wrong to do that to her in the interpretation space as well. I have an issue with headcanoning a character as a child based on how they look and act at all, given that people look and act in all different ways, and particularly neurodivergent people are stereotypically known to like "childish" things and have "childish" tendencies. In part, this ignores the fact that Hiyoko is a child already, because she is a high schooler and high schoolers are children, but it also infantilizes someone who clearly displays having trauma and potentially an unspecified trauma disorder (as lashing out at people and age regression is a common symptom of those.) Trauma based specifically on how she has been infantilized and how she has been taken advantage of by those that are older to her.

Overall, this isn't a callout. This isnt me saying you have to change your mind. I'm just asking you to please consider this perspective and to take a step back from your headcanons and ask if they might be confirming some preexisting bias you have and if that's really worth it for the kind of damage it might cause. I'm open to discussing this, I can't expect you to have an open mind if I don't. But I really do ask that you at least take this into consideration first before commenting.

[groundramon]

Statement

I didnt want to write this but I’m too fucking tired to respond to anymore people who go into my ask box. I’ve already gotten 4. Leave me alone. Also I apologize for not censoring @ ‘s.  Obviously, do not send hate to anyone.  Because I, unlike Peri, do not endorse that.  Your white knighting will not hurt Peri and it will not help me - it will just help Peri feel more justified.  So seriously, to any of my friends/mutuals/followers reading this - do not.

DISCLAIMER: I knew peri back when he still used they/them pronouns. If I ever accidentally refer to him with those pronouns, please don’t hone in on that, but please DO tell me about my mistake so I can go and fix that. This is not an excuse, its still wrong of me to do and i apologize if I accidentally do it anywhere in this post - it is an explanation and an invitation to hold me accountable without using it to destroy the whole point of my post.

DISCLAIMER #2: there is a lot of nuances to our relationship that I will never be able to describe in text. Such as the fact that as little kids, Peri and our other friends were the ones who “corrupted” my sense of humor (not in a problematic way, I was just a really naive little kid). We always made jokes about me being the least mature out of the group despite being the oldest.

DISCLAIMER #3: Yes, I made mistakes. No, I did not put out a callout about Peri “just to start shit”.  I have apologized for my mistakes and learned better, and would be happy to write another apology genuinely outlining what I did wrong if Peri didn’t lie about me at every given opportunity.

I never put a callout on Peri until now.  Maybe once when this first happened, i told people to unfollow him...I genuinely cant remember.  I know I added him to my carrd as DNI, but he did it first, and I did it in response to that.  And I removed it long ago.  He also mocked me for calling him my abuser after one of his friends block evaded me to tell me to fuck off, and I found out said friend did that because Peri had been calling me “a danger to minors”, a racist (Peri is white and kept making Hetalia jokes up to a few months before we stopped being friends even though literally I never did) and a lesbophobe (ok peri is a lesbian), and more important, accusing me of stalking.  His definition of stalking was to check his twitter profile obsessively.  I know he did this to me, because he mentioned one of my discourse threads about SPOP and misrepresented my argument (he said I called Catra abusive - I called Catradora toxic and clarified that Catra is not an abuser).  I’m not here to debate the definition of stalking, but heres the thing - at that point, it had been...I think 3 months after we broke off?  And I hadnt checked his twitter since a week after we broke up.  Literally.  I’m sure I have no way of proving that now, OVER A YEAR LATER, but it’s true. I have proof about the hetalia joke.  It was literally just a joke about my piccrews looking like America.  But considering years ago, Peri (and our shared abuser who I dont plan on discussing very much publicly for obvious reasons) were the ones who got me into Hetalia, it hits a very sore spot with me to call me a racist right alongside our shared abuser who would go by japanese names for the ~aesthetic~.  And thats the thing throughout all of this - did I do wrong by Peri? Absolutely, and I’m not going to remember everything flawlessly either. I’m not a flawless person and we were friends for like 7 years.  But Peri is acting like he’s never done anything wrong in his life.

He also has a pattern of doing this - he accused me and his ex-friend Rainy (me and Rainy are friends) of making fun of our abuser’s art constantly and probably now making fun of Peri’s art constantly (we did make fun of the abuser’s art, but tbh it was gallows humor, and still not something I’m proud of.  I have literally never made fun of Peri’s art.  In fact, it makes me feel awful that I have a pit in my stomach whenever I see it, because I always enjoyed Peri’s unique art style up until the day we split.)  He’s hurt so, SO many other people too.  I can think of 13 just off the top of my head.  The person who block evaded me to yell at me about something I literally never did?  Literally went through the same shit me and Rainy did.  Most of these people are not going to like me, and yet I could probably ask for their testimony and it would match my experience very closely, except the key difference being Peri gave up on them already.

Peri talked about me THREE TIMES in the last week (I believe - I didnt check dates and i literally found peri’s account accidentally while going through chicken smoothie. yes, it was my choice to scroll down and look for my name, but i was like, the second post on his tumblr and i was just trying to see if the posts were recent or old bc i thought he was inactive on here.

Here are all of the posts in case he deletes them - sorry I dont have timestamps, he went private so I cant get evidence, obviously.

Admittedly, the last one is pretty understandable, I feel the same way going through my old shit and seeing Peri’s posts/art/etc. But two times after that? But no I’m the one for starting shit, even though I can disprove both of this posts.

For that first post:

1. I didn’t debate shit, I asked a question because I saw a bi woman bring up a good point about why bi women shouldn’t be allowed to use butch/femme.  Admittedly, asking your closest (not only! just closest) lesbian friend about all lesbian issues is kind of a dick move, but I was just trying to figure out how to argue against that point so I could support my lesbian friends.  Now I realize that it’s wrong of me to bother getting involved on either side and I should just support my lesbian friends and their voices instead of getting directly involved.  Yes, I was wrong, but i did not argue with a lesbian about whether or not butch/femme can be used by nonlesbians, I was ASKING A QUESTION.

2. I was trying to be a supportive friend. He was crushing on Rainy - who was identifying as a gay (trans) man at the time by the way, but I only ever see Peri use this as evidence for me being lesbophobic, not homophobic and transphobic.  Gee I wonder why?  Oh right, it’s because Peri hates Rainy and doesn’t care.  Anyways, yes, it was wrong of me.  At the time I didn’t understand a lot about comphet so I was just trying to be supportive.  I do think I expressed relief when Peri said he and Rainy had broken up and realized their feelings were platonic, as i was confused about the whole situation.  I was trying not to gatekeep Peri from his own damn community, because I’m not going to tell him his feelings are invalid when I’m not a lesbian.  You cant get mad at me for policing lesbian labels, and then not policing lesbian labels enough- what??  I don’t think I did anything wrong per say in this situation because I was telling white lies to be a good friend but I do know better now and try to emphasize that “and if you find out its comphet and you’re still a lesbian then thats totally valid!!!” and in fact I even think I did that at the time??

Both of these instances (I believe) are buried on an old server that I no longer have access to.  It’s possible they still exist.  But I didn’t think this thing with Peri would last well over a year later so I didn’t bother documenting any of it.  If peri has the screenshots, I would love to see it.  This is not sarcasm, I genuinely want to be informed what I did wrong.  I have a lot of great friends now and I would hate to hurt them by repeating mistakes I don’t even remember making.  I can’t learn if I’m not informed.  Once again, this is not sarcasm, irony, or passive aggressive.  This is genuine.  All I ever asked from Peri was to talk to me.

These are the last messages we exchanged before Peri’s goodbye message.  This is what our relationship was like.  And do NOT fucking tell me “Peri is clearly uncomfortable” - I’m autistic, Peri is neurodivergent, I do NOT read into subtext.  I have an anxiety disorder and will literally never be able to function if I read into everything as passive aggressive.  My autism does not excuse abusive behavior - but if you do not tell me about this behavior, which Peri never did, I can never get better.  I do not read that “im fine” as a silent plead for me to leave him alone when he literally was always talking about how annoyed he was by people overanalyzing his responses, seeing hostility where there was none, and he specifically said not to read into short replies as anything personal.  He said he had compassion fatigue.  Which is why I left him be until I had no choice.

The last vent I mentioned said “Shitty friends, shitty friends” on his private twitter.  I was worried it was about me and Rainy, because I figured if it wasnt, he would’ve told us who it was about.  And he never did.  So I’m pretty sure it was about us.  After disappearing for the day and making me and Rainy worried that he was suicidal, he sent us this goodbye message in our mutual server (which the only reason i have this is because i sent it to another friend because i didnt know how to feel and needed guidance)

This goodbye letter, despite seeming nice on the surface, blamed the trauma that me and Rainy faced as well as our particular interests for Peri leaving us.  One of my boundaries in our friendship was to tell me if anything was wrong so I could improve it and be a better person, and Peri broke that trust.  He was absolutely a shitty friend in that regard.  But just this goodbye letter I would’ve bought despite being disappointed...if he hadn’t called us shitty before.

By the way, at the time, the only thing I could think this would be about was not trusting Peri’s gut about some randos.  Rainy and I wanted to give those people a fair shot, and Peri accused us of not trusting him because of it.  You do not get to dictate who your friends do and dont hang out with, and you dont get to guilt trip them for hanging out with someone who has literally done nothing to you except act a little bit too much like our shared abuser Moony, wtf?

Peri also accused me of saying he and Moony were the same, when I did no such thing.  Rainy did!  And I immediately chastized Rainy for it, clarifying that I thought they were two different beasts entirely.

I forgot what I was talking about uhhh.  Oh yeah!

I’m not the one still talking about you over a year later.  I’ve moved on.  Remove me from your DNFI.  I didn’t remove you from mine because I realized I was the abuser and you were the victim - I removed you because I’m fucking done with this situation.  I only brought it up with your friend because you LITERALLY BLAMED MY INTERESTS AT THE TIME IN YOUR FAKE-ASS APOLOGY.  And what were me and Rainy talking about a bunch at the time?  Digimon!!  Aka the person who I talked to’s special interest!  I told them I would fuck off if they asked and I encouraged them to talk to you about it and have a genuine conversation.  Because I, unlike you, am a good person who lets people come to their own conclusions.

Also, you were 2 weeks away from being 16, and I was a few months into being 18.  Here are some of our conversations about becoming QPPs!

Should I have entered a QPR with my 7+ year friend who literally shaped me into who I am today when they were almost 16 and I was already several months into being 18?  Probably not!  But adulthood isn’t just some switch that goes off, and I was a dumbass.  Peri’s current GF is apparently being accused of being a predator, or something, according to one of Peri’s other posts?  I dont know whats happening because im not! a fucking! stalker! but Peri of all people should know what it’s like to have a small age gap blown into something bigger than it is.  Peri and I’s relationship didn’t change a whole lot after becoming QPPs - we were still close friends.  But after literally growing up with Peri, I didn’t realize that I needed to enact healthy boundaries with someone so young when they were the one who used to “troll” me when we were kids (AKA pretend to be mad at me or pretend to be someone else and then say “haha just kidding!” just to cause problems).

Peri has clearly built me up to be some kind of villain in his head.  And that’s fine, I really don’t care.  I go months without thinking of Peri, and he’s just a bad memory whenever I do think of him - well until I found out he’s calling me a pedophile and accusing me of making callouts that I never did and generally has been a pot calling the white marble countertop grey for the past year or so.  But I dont care.  I DONT CARE.

But if you want me to stop warning people about you, its simple.  Stop spreading lies about me.  Take my name out of your public vocabulary.  Take me and Rainy off your DNFI.  I do not think about you, I do not talk to people about you very often, most of my current friends didn’t know the things you did until today because I had no reason to tell them.

For anyone uninitiated - all you need to know is that this person’s tumblr title is “an aphobic [reclaimable slur]” and so by admission they like to harass other minorities for fun.  Seriously, you don’t have to be an ace inclusionist or even believe aphobia is real to just be a nice person, what the fuck?  This post in particular is extremely telling.

Also they retweeted a post from someone with the username “panphobe” so.

Just a few notes.  Hope the asexual who stans a literal stated aphobe gets tired of licking that boot soon.  And Peri too.  Your obsession with me is more unhealthy to you than it is to me.  Just...drop it.  I will only add to this if more accusations are thrown my way.   I am done with you.  You have a repeated behavior of this shit, and I want to add more things but they’re heresay from other people so I don’t feel comfortable adding them.  But yeah.  Stop hurting people.  Stop bullying people and being angry and aggressive for fun.  You’re not as cute as you think you are.  There’s a reason this shit keeps happening to you.  Get better soon.

As for me, I think I’ll spend the next three months going back to forgetting you exist.  I liked it there.  But you can keep thinking I’m stalking you if you’d like.  I have all the proof and evidence I need that you’re a fucking liar right here.  And most of your tweets accusing me of shit are deleted too.  Now leave me the fuck alone.

PS, even if aroaces arent oppressed, sending them hate messages based on something they cant control is really shitty :) its not like we’re still a minority group or anything!  I’m also literally trans, so you’re proving the fact that the bad exclusionists always target other LGBTs who happen to be aspec for their harassment :) but keep it going keep it going, every spiteful message sent to me specifically because im aspec and part of the LGBT community just fuels my agenda.