#maybe hal is just an unreliable narrator guys did we think about that

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Bloody Valentines

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, Young Justice 98, Titans, GL Corps, Legion of Super Heroes, Flashfam, New Gods, Shadowpact, Superfam

Summary: 90s monster slasher AU

Chapters: 11/?

Characters: Dick Grayson, Joseph Wilson, Jason Todd, Charley Parker, Zatanna, Eddie Bloomberg, Daniel Cassidy, Chester Williams DC, Guy Gardner, Kyle Rayner, Lilith Clay, Raven Roth, Kole Weathers, Bette Kane, Donna Troy, Roy Harper, Jenni Ognats, Bart Allen, Virgil Hawkins, Richie Foley, Ayla Ranzz, Zoe Saugin, Rol Purtha, Darla Aquista, Lori Zechlin, Hal Jordan, Helen Jordan II, Orion DC, Lightray DC, Jonathan Lane Kent, Conner Kent, Mia Kent, Roxy Leech, Kara Danvers, Chris Kent, Thara Ak-Var, Match DC, Thaddeus Thawne, Vic Stone, Koriand'r, Karen Beecher, Grant Wilson

Relationships: DickJoey, Daniel Cassidy/Zatanna, DonnaRoy, Jenni Ognats/Virgil Hawkins, Raven/Lilith Clay, Lightrion, MatchThad

Additional Tags: POV First Person, Unreliable Narrator(s), Vampires, Werewolves, No Capes AU, 90s Slasher AU, Homoeroticism, Horror, Slasher

Chapter Eleven: The Body in the Gulch (Roy's POV)

Donna turned away from me in bed, hugging herself, closing in. It’d been like that for a while. I just wanted to hold her. “Donna?” I whispered. “Donna… Do you want me to go to sleep on the couch? I will if you—.”

“I need to take a shower,” Donna whimpered like she wanted to cry. 

I wanted to reach out and touch her, but it didn’t feel appropriate. “Donna, does something hurt? Did I—?” Donna shook her head. “Then, why are you so upset? Tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll try to fix it.” 

“You didn’t do anything… I just—. I feel off. Don’t you feel weird, Roy?” Donna asked. She looked at me with her big blue eyes, and I opened my arms and nodded. 

“It’s this place. And we saw those people hit that—.” 

Donna hid her face in my chest, and I felt sick to my stomach. All I could do was hold her and pretend I wasn’t scared out of my wits. Something about the land here felt… Cursed. And I don’t say that about a lot of places. I could feel Donna trembling, and I wondered if she could hear my heart beating fast in my chest. I liked the lightning and thunder. I liked the cool, calm mornings after the rain. But nothing was calm or cool. The air went from freezing cold last night to muggy in the morning and something in Donna switched. Her skin felt cold and damp as she stopped shaking and touched my chest. “Donna?” I questioned. 

“Maybe that shower could wait,” Donna whispered as she gave my shoulders a little push as she took me down. I can’t remember most of what happened between her doing that and breakfast… I can’t remember most of what happened. I saw her in the kitchen, wearing my boxer shorts, and making bacon. 

She wore a cutoff t-shirt for some obscure band in Seattle. “Donna, I—. How’d we get here?” I asked. 

Donna laughed and rustled a hand through my hair. “Was it that good?” Donna whispered. 

“Must’ve been. Wish I could remember. Donna, I feel kinda weird. Did I hit my head or somethin’?” I questioned. She wasn’t afraid anymore. It was almost like she wasn’t the same anymore. I looked at her, and I could almost see something different behind her eyes. Something vacant, lacking her natural warmth. I reached out to touch her, but I froze. 

“Nope. You didn’t hit your head. Maybe you’re a little dizzy,” Donna answered. She bit her bottom lip as she touched my cheek. Her hands were ice-cold. It scared me a little. I wanted to recoil, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. 

Raven entered the room in an old-timey robe. The quilted ones with the buttons and collar. It was classy. Old Hollywood type classy. She looked at me with wild, wide eyes and said my name aloud. “Roy,” said Raven in her calm and cool way. “Can you follow me to the car in a few minutes? I think I left something in the trunk.”

“Alright. Are you gonna go in that?” I asked. She looked down at her outfit and laughed. 

“I’ll be out in just a minute,” Raven replied. 

Bette stepped out of her room with sunglasses and one of those skirts girls wear over bikini bottoms. She hugged Donna, leaning over her shoulder to look at breakfast. Then Kole came out of the room in a white t-shirt with lace frilly stuff and a pink button-down dress that went to her knee. She wore frilly socks… And black dress shoes. They were a little dirty, like she’d walked in a puddle and forgot to shine them up again. Then, she looked at Donna and Bette, then at me. “I think I forgot something in the car. I can’t find my rainboots. I think they’re in the trunk,” Kole stated. She looked down at her feet as if someone would chastise her for forgetting. 

“That’s fine. I’m walking Raven to the car in a minute. You can come with us then,” I replied. Kole looked up and smiled. “The rain had everybody out of sorts last night. I’m sure everybody forgot a little something in the car.” I nudged Bette and Donna, wondering if they’d left something, too. 

“I left my hiking bag,” Donna stated, “Roy, can you bring that back for me?”

“Sure. The three of us will bring back whatever’s left in the trunk. How about we meet you guys at the beach after we finish up?”  I suggested. Donna looked at Bette and they nodded. 

Once Raven finished getting dressed, I took her and Kole to the car. Kole blazed ahead, but Raven and I trekked behind, so we could chat. “Donna’s acting strange this morning,” Raven noted. I nodded in agreement, trying not to say anything damning about Donna. The last thing we needed on this trip was paranoia and backbiting. Besides, they weren’t like that. They were good friends. All of them, and I didn’t want to put a wedge in that by expressing my discomfort with a few lost minutes and a weird interaction with Donna. 

“How’d you sleep, Raven?” I questioned to take the heat off of Donna for a minute. 

“Alright… And you?” Raven asked in reply. 

I squinted as the sun bounced off the lake. “Raven? Do you feel weird about this trip? I don’t know… Ever since we got here, I’ve been having second thoughts. Maybe we should go—.”

“Remember that song Hotel California?” Raven interrupted. 

“You don’t think we can leave?” I asked. Raven frowned at me, pushing her hair back as she approached the car. “Raven… Raven, wait.” I grabbed her wrist. She looked at me with a mixture of nausea and despair in her eyes. They were a funny bluish green, so light, but so heavy with sorrows. I let her go and sighed. 

“Roy, what’s done is done. It’s already written,” Raven whispered. 

Dick’s car was already in the lot. Dick, Vic, Kory, and Karen were talking to the police. Joey was standing on the other end of the lot talking to some jarhead-looking guy and a police officer. Joey looked like he wanted to throw up, and Dick looked a little confused and frightened. It was hard to frighten Dick, so I knew whatever it was, it was serious. Karen seemed out of it, like she couldn’t make sense of whatever happened. Vic consoled Kory, who was beside herself. 

Then, I caught a little bit of what Joey signed from where I was standing. “I saw him. My brother was driving. I thought he was robbed because he was naked, so I put the blanket over him,” Joey signed. His hands had blood and dirt on them. His brother looked at me. He interpreted for his brother in between glances. 

“Raven, did you see what Joey said?” I whispered. She looked straight past me at Kory as she approached us. She headed straight for Raven and embraced her. Raven started to shake as she stood with her hands out by her sides. It shook her. “Kory? What happened? Is everybody okay?” 

“It was a kid. Someone left a—. X’Hal, help me,” Kory sobbed. I pulled her into a hug, and she cried on me for a little bit. I felt sick. 

I wanted to believe they were hit by a car in the rain, but the part about the kid not having any clothes—. That sounded a lot like murder. How was I supposed to get past that part? Vic made his way over, and he touched Raven’s shoulder. 

“I thought you guys arrived last night,” Vic whispered. 

“We did… We didn’t get to unpack in the rain. We did—. We didn’t—. Did you see what happened?” Raven asked. 

“I didn’t see much. Kory and Joey got out of the car first. Dick and Joey’s brother jumped out to make sure they didn’t get hurt getting down there. It was steep and wet out—. I think that kid was murdered from what they said. I offered to hike to the nearest payphone with Joey’s brother, but he wasn’t having it. Karen and Dick went with him,” Vic replied. “They’ve blocked the road off, haven’t they?” Raven asked. Vic nodded. There was no escaping it now. Whatever ominous feeling Raven and I had was justified in that moment. And the worst part was, none of us would be able to escape it.

[nancythedrew]

ND Games assessed by the probability of sex/sex-adjacent acts happening in the subtext

If we can conclude that Harry is an unreliable narrator throughout the entire Harry Potter series then this was probably the case when we played “as” ND throughout the franchise

Disclaimer: This is a joke. Not intended to slut and/or virgin shame. It’s your body and you can make your own decisions. This is a blog overanalyzing children’s video game characters and not intended to be a moral condemnation or support of any life choices. 

Also less serious disclaimer, I’m just gonna assume the year 2021 is the case for every game for the sake of including cultural and technological references. I know Ralph would’ve been trying to download porn using dial-up internet on a Windows 95 the year STFD was released, but play along for comedic effect

SCK1: We know Darryl Gray and Connie definitely had smoke kind of friends with benefits arrangement before he formally “asked her out.” Hulk is hulk-smashing many hot babes. Hal is the guy who says he can’t do things because his “long distance girlfriend” of 4+ years wouldn’t like it

SCK-Remastered: Same as above but obligatory mention that Detective Beech has never, and will never, fuck(ed) 

STFD: Ok this one I’m kind of cringing at because any implication of some sort of sexual relationships coupled with the weird power dynamics at play in the candid plot make for some gross possibilities. I feel like as much as there was romantic tension between Rick and Mattie they did not actually have sex and their relationship was more for the press. You can fill in the blanks yourself with what kind of whacko porn Ralph was watching on his work computer

MHM: Abby has her own room but we never hear about Rose having a room, so we all know what’s happening there. There’s also that plausible theory that Charlie is homeless because he’s LGBT, which I find viable also it’s San Fran I don’t give a shit about Louis so I’ll move on

TRT: Everyone in this game is so asexual except for Jacques who makes passionate love to Isabelle as soon as they are reunited (but ONLY after she verifies that Jacques’ grandfather’s reputation as a carpenter is restored)

FIN: My headcanon is that Nick has a kink where he has to have sex in every history building he comes across, literally and figuratively. I’m thinking he’d pick the magician’s room as his locale, but maybe he’d be into the cages on stage even if no one is actually there watching. I don’t think there’s anyone else in this game that matters so

SSH: the SPICE in this game is fucking unparalleled. I don’t even know who to talk about first. Obviously the tension between Taylor and Henrik is immaculate, the JoannaxAlejandroxHenrik triangle coupled with the presence and potential backstory of the Oaxacan cum cookies?????!??!!? Also Keep-It-Real guy has definitely catfished people

DOG: I mean you can just imagine the orgies that happened in that speakeasy. I was thinking with people, but I guess dogs could too (I forget whether there’s information as to whether Malone’s dogs had been properly spayed/neutered). I don’t know who or when or how but Emily definitely had experience tying people up the way Nancy was put in that shed, so do with that what you will

CAR: This probably isn’t a good time for Joy to be having sex, and not with the watchful eyes of Miles surveying her every move. Although the chewing on pencils might point to an oral fixation. Elliott is killing it on Tinder. Harlan hopes someday he might pick up something interesting on the security cameras but never does (other than like, people’s passcodes and crime evidence). I feel like Ingrid’s wildest years are behind her but she’s definitely not exclusive with anyone

DDI: Same with Emily, Andy has experience tying people up and gagging them, but I think his might just genuinely only be in a criminal non-consensual context. Holt has vowed to remain celibate after seeing how an affair ruined Clinton’s political career, but back in a day did attempt to use the clam harvesting tool as a fleshlight, with modest success. Katie has had little success wooing a partner because everyone in the harbor knows how goddamn annoying she is. 

SHA: Dave can only fuck while wearing his cowboy boots and hat. Mary is definitely the dom in her relationship with Tex, both inside and outside of the bedroom. something something you’ll find out why his name is “Shorty” 

CUR: Ethel is always checking the clock so she knows the second she gets off work tutoring and can go to her sex club. Linda briefly considers whether consummating the marriage with Hugh resulted in her turning into the beast due to some kind of mutated Penvellyn STD. Mrs. Drake thinks that sex is only for procreation. Nigel is heartbroken after a brief love affair with Dexter at Wickford Castle that ended after Dexter confessed he was only with Nigel for his money, to which Nigel informed him he has none because he’s in grad school. Nigel has never loved again. 

CLK: Topham and Crowley were definitely fucking. The cross-dressing thing brings in a whole other element that I don’t have time to get into in this post. Jim Archer and his wife schedule sex on a bi-weekly basis. Emily thinks wearing her nightgown every hour of the day is somehow sexy and inviting. Jane’s voice is so annoying I can’t imagine her ever doing anything with anyone. I’ve said it before but Jason and Alice from Camp Avondale are DEFINITELY fucking at camp, and honestly most of the adults of Titusville have probably hooked up with one another at some point. 

TRN: Lori and Tino have surely been together pre-trip. I can’t think of any other pairing on that train that might’ve worked. I could maybe see Charleena wanting to bang the engineer just because he was so competent and didn’t give a shit about Lori, kind of like how Angela loved it when Dwight yelled at Meredith’s kid. 

I don’t wanna think about what Fatima does with that suit after hours. The old guy and his girlfriend talking in the Copper Fork seem like they have some chemistry. The way the guy at the crypt practically jizzes himself when describing Camille’s crypt makes me nervous, but I’m not gonna kinkshame. 

DAN: Dieter definitely fucks and does a poor job mixing pleasure with business (see: him and Minette). I don’t know if we’re supposed to think that Minette and Sonny had a “thing” but I can’t see sparks flying there. Jean Michel is so insufferable that he’s convinced himself he wouldn’t even enjoy intimacy. I’m sure the vendors who are grabbing stuff from the muck of their basement occasionally just grab a dildo and say it was modeled after the penis of St. Paul and sell it for 58 euros. JJ makes you pay a deposit before you fuck and you only get your money back if she finishes. 

CRE: Big Island Mike is one of the few characters who has canonically fucked, which is incredible and concerning. Pua gets some heat for not going to parties and hanging out with boys but I’m sure she does fine, and probably isn’t even into boys. I don’t care about the rest of the people in this game, except maybe Johnny Kuto who needs a more in depth backstory and development than what I can provide right now

ICE: Ollie also has canonically fucked. I could see Yanni and Lou running off together for a lil moment while Bill is passed out on the table. Lupe definitely has a long term female partner back home, but they wont get married because marriage is inherently a patriarchal concept. 

CRY: The Jolly Roger meeting is basically just a sex club/cult. Renee gets her birth control from Zeke’s because she thinks it’s more natural, but Lamont knows it’s just ground-up Yaz with eucalyptus oil. Henry discovered a stash of all of Bruno’s weird sex toys in the house but got rid of them before Nancy came. 

VEN: Colin’s got that tesserae fetish so there’s that. Helena killed her last partner after they confronted her about her role in organized crime. Margarhita tells herself she’s waiting for someone special but she’s really just fucking annoying and no one wants anything to do with her. You might think I’m gonna say Fango has something going on with the pigeons but I don’t think so. Enrico’s game house is virtually a swingers club. 

HAU: Matt has tried for years to spice up his and Kyler’s sex life, but to no avail. I don’t give a shit about Donal. Who I DO give a shit about is Kit who has taken advantage of the presence of so many cots to hook up with yours truly in as many locations on the castle grounds as possible, which is why he was doodling ideas for how the land could be used. Also I don’t know how sheep breeding works but I think they’d have to be having sex someone regularly for a flock to be sustainable? 

RAN: the monkeys

WAC: I don’t even know where to begin with this one. It’s basically just a college dorm but with bright, independent women. There’s so many love triangles/squares/polygons you can draw here, especially when there are a couple empty beds. I feel like there’s an unspoken rule that if your roommate is hooking up with someone else’s roommate, you and that someone else just go downstairs and play games together until they’re done. I just wrote that and realized that the hooking up people probably wouldn’t be using both rooms at the same time

TOT: I mean Scott and Brooke are definitely doing the hanky-panky and Pa not only knows but facilitates it and wont let people leave that backroom of the store until they’re finished; it was never about mice. Debbie is still trying to make long distance work with her college boyfriend but he’s cheating on her. Chase is waiting till marriage. 

SAW: Conceivably there’s some sexual energy between Rentaro and Miwako but it’s coming up empty for me. I do love a friends to lovers narrative but this is giving me nothing to work with. Takae has canonically fucked but isn’t currently looking for anything. Yumi has major boundary issues 

CAP: Renate has a lover in every town in every province in every continent. Anja has an OnlyFans to help pay the bills. Karl gets pretty imaginative when it comes to his little fantasy monster board game. 

ASH: Ned has never fucked. A deleted sideplot in the game involved Ned dropping a used condom into the evidence slot after his “date” with Deirdre, Nancy running an DNA test and finding that it traces back to Ned, Nancy calling Ned in a panic, Ned explaining it was just a joke and that he just wanked into the condom, and Nancy ceasing to speak with Ned; the player can then only play as Bess or George. Alexei pretty much alludes to how many chicks he could pull back in his prime. Toni is the boss that gives just a little bit too much detail about her personal life to her interns.

TMB: I mean I don’t even wanna guess what Dylan’s body count is. I am not super familiar with Islamic commands, but I would think someone like Jamila who wears a head covering would be waiting till marriage? I’m not really imagining Abdullah and Lily doing anything but those bed separators are so thin there’s definitely opportunity there

DED: I forget what’s headcanon and what’s actual canon in this game. I think Niko having a thing with an elephant and/or Gray aren’t actual things, but the elephant thing is kind of alluded? Or maybe that was Nikola Tesla and the elephant? Regardless, Gray and Niko were definitely a thing, Ellie and Mason are definitely doing things, and Ryan is blissfully unaware of all of it 

GTH: This is the incest game technically but I’ll try to be tasteful here. Clara has canonically fucked(Jessalyn’s father), Harper went off the rails too long ago to care, and Wade and Savannah did a couple times and it didn’t work out but Wade will send her vaguely sexual texts every now and then in case it’ll peak her interest. Jessalyn and Colton are both generous lovers to one another, so when they decide at the end to remain “friends” they mean friends with benefits, at least until Colton can figure himself out. 

SPY: Zoe is the kind of person to do social experiments as to which one of her fake identities is the most sexually appealing. Sometimes her partners who find out her true identity ask her to revert back to a fake one in the bedroom. Alec keeps Tinder installed for a quick hook up depending on where he travels to. Moira is asexual and fine with it. Ewan is an incel. 

MED: Uhhhh what the hell happens in this game. George breaks her leg so that makes things hard, that couple that’s competing together is probably getting freaky, Bess spends the whole game being unable to flirt so nothing there, there’s the “villain” lady that has no personality other than “I’m gonna win” and there’s also Sonny Joon. My guess is after the intense sexual heat of Beech Hill Sonny has committed himself to creating workspaces as professional as possible, which is why the come on from Minette was so horrifying to him.

LIE: I don’t remember shit about this game but I know there’s lots of characters of lots of genders and lots of props and lots of costumes and it turns out they’re all working together and in close communication the whole time??/ you guys can fill in the rest 

SEA: Gunnar has canonically fucked, so fuck. Dagny we know is currently single and doesn’t seem to be looking for anything right now, though I’m sure she can and does pull when she wants to. Is Soren gay?? I think that’s a theory. The only guy other than dank ass Gunnar is the guy Soren kidnaps, which I don’t think is a really great scenario to be intimate with someone. Elisabet and Magnus probably do it on the reg but mainly missionary.

MID: I think I can say this because I think they’re both minors or both of age, but Jason and Mei are in love and smashing like rabbits. The witch lady and the shop owner seem like they could attract a specific niche if so inclined. Judge Danforth has canonically fucked. Deirdre needs to chill out with her crazy stalking of Nancy if she ever wants a shot. The museum older sister lady is boring as hell so I doubt she’s getting any 

[wtnv-panels]

Good Morning Night Vale, episode 1: “Pilot”

Symphony Sanders: A friendly desert community where the sun is hot…

Meg Bashwiner: The moon is beautiful and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

Hal Lublin: [Cecil voice] Good morning, Night Vale.

Symphony: I was like ooh, I got a little chill when you said that Hal, that was cute.

Hal: Thank you. I exist to give people chills, that’s what I’m here for. I’m a chill monster.

Symphony: You’re very talented.

Hal: Some people say I have no chill, [laughter] but I think I just proved differently.

Symphony: I think you have lots of chill.

Hal: Thank you.

Meg: All right everyone. [laughs] I think you have the most chill.

Hal: Oo!

Meg: Hey everyone, welcome to Good Morning Night Vale. A new podcast where we recap every episode of Welcome to Night Vale!

Symphony: Woo!

Meg: Woo! Everyone’s afraid to talk. [laughter] I know.

Symphony: [laughs] I think I’ll get better later but right now I’m like, do I say yes?

Meg: Welcome to the clunky intro of our brand new show. My name is Meg Bashwiner and I am the woman who talks to you at the end of every Welcome to Night Vale episode. I also play the voice Deb, sentient pyatch o’ haze, and I am the MC of the live shows, if you’ve been to one of our live shows you’ve seen me, for the most part, unless you came to the show in Birmingham in 2015 you didn’t see me, I wasn’t at that one. Other than that, that’s me. Who else is on the call with me, who else is here? Silence.

Hal: Oh I was saying ladies first, but I’ll go.

Symphony: I was waiting for you, you go.

Hal: OK. My name is Hal Lublin and I am the voice of Steve Carlsberg and I have been since… 2013. Wow. I can’t believe it’s been since 2013, my mind is ready to explode, with happiness, and I’m really excited to be a part of this and to stroll back through Night Vale with the both of you.

Symphony: And I’m Symphony Sanders and I play teen militia leader Tamika Flynn, in Welcome to the Night Vale. And I have since… I also think 2013, I’m not sure, someone would have to tell me. And I’m super excited to go through all of these episodes with you guys.

Meg: I’m also excited to go through all these episodes, it’s been fun, it’s nice to take a look back on the, oh lots and lots of episodes. By the time this airs, I think there will be like a 129, 130 episodes of Welcome to Night Vale…

Hal: Wow.

Meg: ..which is really wonderful.

Symphony: That’s a lot of episodes, Meg.

Meg: Not to mention all the live shows and uh, and yeah all the things. Yes so we’re going back, we’re gonna be talking with some people who are involved in the Welcome to Night Vale world. On this episode, we’re going to hear from the voice of Night Vale, Cecil Baldwin. We’ll chat with him about his experiences and his reactions to the pilot episode of this show, and we’ll have that for you later, which is really exciting. Yeah so we’ll be hearing from different people involved in the Night Vale world over the course of the podcast, and in this episode specifically we’ll be hearing from Cecil, and we’ll be talking about the different episodes of the show, our personal reactions to them, as well as the global reactions to them.

Hal: Can I jump in for a second and say what I love about the show that we’re doing?

Meg: Please.

Hal: Even if it’s the first episode and the first, five minutes of it.

Symphony: [laughs] Yes.

Hal: This is what’s cool about it. For all you Night Vale fans out there who have not been able to come to a Comic Con where we’ve done a panel, who have never got to see us in person or gotten to sort of learn a little bit about what’s going on behind the curtain of the show. I think it’s really cool that you get three people who have been involved in the show for a very long time, sort of walking you through it, and not only talking about what happened but giving you some insight and we’ll be answering your questions on occasion as well. So this is really for all of you out there who are fans of the show, to give you another layer of Night Vale, maybe answer some questions you had, or raise some new ones if we’re doing our job.

Symphony: Agreed. [laughter]

Hal: Was I wrong?

Symphony: Correct.

Hal: Was I bad?

Symphony: No you were correct.

Meg: No that’s really beautiful.

Hal: OK, good.

Meg: Yeah, it’s really beautiful.

Symphony: It was just such a good, you really impacted us, it was such a good description. [laughs]

Meg: Yeah. I was speechless. I’m really looking forward to seeing where this podcast takes us. So let’s get down to business, we’re doing the pilot of Welcome to Night Vale, we’re discussing that today. The plot description of which is: “A new dog park opens in Night Vale. Carlos, a scientist, visits and discovers some interesting things, seismic things. Plus a helpful guide to surveillance helicoptering.” I’m a really good reader. [laughter] So yeah.

Symphony: That’s why you do this fictional podcast.

Meg: Yeah, that’s why I do this fictional podcast. So we, to reel us in, do you want to talk about what our reactions were?

Symphony: Yeah. I mean if you really look, not even that deeply into it, a lot of the things that come up in the first episode are some of our biggest fan things, like the dog park obviously what were, or so many people are known for talking about hooded figures and the Sheriff’s Secret Police, and kind of introducing the town of Night Vale and immediately putting you in this space of, uh, distrust. [chuckles] Right? And you can’t go in the dog park, even though a new one was built, dogs aren’t allowed in there, people aren’t allowed in there. Basically don’t acknowledge it.

Meg: Yeah I was struck by that too, by how so much of the Night Vale world that we know today existed in this first episode. So we’ve got the dog park, we’ve got hooded figures, we’ve got the Sheriff’s Secret Police, we’ve got Old Woman Josie and angels and Big Rico’s Pizza and the Desert Bluffs rivalry, like there’s so, and Carlos and Cecil, like he says in this episode “I fell in love with Carlos”, Cecil says it’s. it’s just like, there’s so much of what makes Night Vale Night Vale just in this first 20 minutes.

Hal: Yeah I think the hallmark of really good storytelling is, rather than beginning at the beginning is to start in the middle, and you are dropped into the middle of what feels like a fully realized world. And it’s a testament to how it was written that all those elements of the pilot have just been built on. And even that thing that, the great humor in Night Vale for me, the thing that I enjoy the most is that contrast in the ordinary with the fantastic that’s being treated as completely mundane and, like standard. So there’s no wink to the audience, there’s no we get this is weird, it’s just this is the world you’re in, and that allows you to sort of jump into it completely. And I love that Joseph and Jeffrey joke rhythm they have where they’re like, there are no dogs allowed in the dog park. Do not look at the dog park, do not taste the dog, like that building rhythm, where they just attack a type of announcement or an angle of something over and over again and keep building on it, I really loved seeing that from the beginning. I forgot, I hadn’t listened to this in years and years and years. And it was really interesting to see how formed their voice was for this from the jump.

Meg: Yeah I hadn’t listened to this episode until like it was probably, this episode premiered June 15 2012, which is Night Vale’s birthday. Almost six years ago to the airing of this episode. That was the last time I listened to it, when Joseph was like “hi do you wanna listen to this thing I made?” And I was like sure hun, you know, what do you got? And that was the last time I listened to it, and it really is great to be able to look back at it and hear so much of their voice and also Cecil’s voice, and the development of the character of Cecil as our reliable unreliable narrator.

Hal: What did you think the first time you heard it, way back then when it was like listen to this thing I made, what was your impression of it?

Meg: I think I was initially just, it was so different than anything else I’d seen Joseph make before and also so, I’m always impressed by Cecil the actor. Cecil the person, you know I love and is a dear friend and Cecil the actor blows me away every time. No matter how many, how long I’ve worked with him and how long I’ve known him, so I was really impressed by his voice acting and how much world he was able to build just behind the microphone. The world of audio fiction was in a newer place then, so it was interesting to kind of see what one man and one microphone could build and that was really cool, I remember being like, this is cool. And you know, that was before Night Vale was a thing, so I was like this is cool, what do you want for dinner? Like [laughter], Joseph you made a nice thing, it’s great.

Symphony: Yeah along that..

Meg: I remember him sa-

Symphony: Along that line, where did you think this was going? Did you think it was gonna go anywhere, did you think it was just a fun project that he is working on? What were your initial ideas?

Meg: I remember him saying to me: “I feel like this could be thing.” Which is interesting now, cause it definitely has been a thing, but at the time it was like he never, we’d have projects that we worked on, we’d had projects that we did. And I think the confidence that he had in this project was different than what we had seen before from him. And he had definitely had successful projects before, but definitely nothing with the audience and impact that Welcome to Night Vale has had. So… yeah.

Symphony: And so past this pilot when, cause this happened in 2012 but like, when did you guys, do you remember the day that you were like oh this is, more than just a thing you do?

Meg: Yes. I don’t remember the specific day, but it was about a year later.

Symphony: Nice.

Meg: The first year of Night Vale was great, people listened to it, Joseph and Jeffrey were like, hey some of our friends have listened to this show, how great is that? I remember there was like one fan that we saw, Joseph would search Twitter to see if anyone was listening to it and we would often get people being like up all night, [vale]. [Vale] is the verb in Spanish does it mean I think it, what does [vale] mean? So we would get those tweets, we’d search for Welcome Night Vale tweets, we’d get people in Spanish saying [vale]. And then eventually we saw people talking about and there was this one fan who’s named Dana, and Dana would tweet about listening to the show with friends, and there was one tweet that was from Dana that was like “Mom, stop ftrying to bring us enchiladas, we’re listening to Welcome to Night Vale.”

Symphony: Aww!

Meg: And so we thought that was really super sweet, and so they named the character Dana after Dana the person who was tweeting at us. [chuckles]

Hal: That’s cool.

Symphony: That’s so funny. Also I love enchiladas.

Meg: Yeah. But if you’re trying to listen to Welcome to Night Vale, and your Mom was trying to bring you enchiladas, I would personally be like thanks Mom, but…

Symphony: Right, it’s like a listening snack.

Meg: No shade to Dana but [laughter]. So yeah, about a year into it it started to get some tractions. We did our first birthday party at a space in New York that had about 100 people come to it, which was awesome. So cool that we had 100 people that knew about us. And then things changed pretty rapidly. In July of 2013, we used to sell Welcome to Night Vale T-shirts on Amazon, and I think we printed like 50 of them. And once a week or so, we’d get an order for a T-shirt. Joseph would package it up and take it to the post office and send it out. And then over the course of a weekend, we got an order for 1000 T-shirts. Before Amazon shut it off, because it kind of went out of control super quick.

Symphony: It’s like too much.

Meg: It was too much, it was like there was, we didn’t have the stock for that, so we went and had more T-shirts printed…

Symphony: You broke the system.

Meg: One weekend just sitting in our studio apartment in Brooklyn, packaging T-shirts, a thousand of them. Which is a number that doesn’t really make sense until you actually sit down and do it, and it was so hot..

Symphony: That’s a lot.

Meg: I sat in the apartment and I just did it, and I think I watched like the first season of A Chef’s Life on Netflix while I did it. And I was using packaging type, touching it over and over again so I had no skin left on my finger tips at the end of it.

Symphony: It was just slowly pulling off layers of skin.

Meg: Yeah. And then I made Joseph take me out for ramen and.. [laughter] That was my payment for packaging 1000 T-shirts was my husband or my boyfriend at the time took me out for ramen.

Symphony: That’s like, in Seinfe- I probably can’t mention that. In that one show where that lady died, she was sending out her wedding invitations and she kept licking the stamps, licking the stamps and the glue was poisonous, good thing you’re still alive though.

Hal: Wait…

Meg: Yeah, I still have use of my fingers.

Hal: Why can’t we mention that show? Are we restricted from (--)?

Symphony: I mean can you?

Hal: Sure.

Meg: Yeah.

Symphony: I don’t know the rules of audio recording.

Hal: I’ll tell you what.

Meg: Seinfeld! McDonald’s!

Symphony: [laughs hysterically]

Hal: I’ve been around the block and let me say something, Jerry Seinfeld. You’re welcome to come on this podcast anytime you wanna show your face.

Symphony: Yes, yes!

Hal: We’ll all get into an old car with you, you can take us out for coffee.

Symphony: Ooh, for coffee!

Hal: We can complain about comedy, it’ll be great. Making that offer right now.

Symphony: I’m very funny.

Hal: He who will not be named.

Meg: I will make sure I say nothing funny. [laughter]

Symphony: I won’t even smile the whole time.

Hal: I do love that show, but he complains all the time.

Meg: Yeah, it’s gotta be hard being him.

Hal: Yes, really difficult.

Meg: Anyway, that’s not to throw shade on Jerry.

Hal: No.

Meg: Yeah so that’s, we kind of got off on our lovely little tangent talking about the very beginning and where we are now.

Symphony: Yeah. But we can go back, look…

Meg: Let’s go back.

Symphony: That’s the great thing about a nice conversation. Let’s go back, let’s talk about the beginnings of Celios, the beginnings of Carlos and Cecil.

Meg: Yeah, the [C’s/seeds?) [0:14:11].

Symphony: Before it was Cecil, just nameless announcer, just announcer. Or narrator, right? But people I guess didn’t even, did they reference him, what did they do before he had a name?

Meg: I dunno. I dunno if anyone listened to the show, like (if we had) fanbase before the.. [laughter]

Hal: Yeah, we’re in the early early days. It struck me, was it weird for either of you now, listening to it through the lens of six years of content almost? Five and a half, wherever we’re up to as of this recording, that everything sort of takes on extra meaning? For me in particular, playing somebody who’s like not the conspiracy theorist, but the guy who seems to know the truth about what’s going on? That through that lens I was like, he’s lying, he’s a puppet. I can hear it right now, because all of that was just being established. Did either of you get that sense or am I just going in too deep?

Symphony: No I think that is like, I’m not as conspiracy theorist but I am also dazzled by magic. And there are things in the early episodes of Welcome to Night Vale that I’m like, how did they know?

Hal: [laughs]

Symphony: Like how did they know? And I just love it, I like going back and listening to and I’m like oh my gosh, talking about like, seismic activity and there’s something happening in Night Vale like how he was talking about the different, how it was very interesting scientifically. Just finding out those things, you’re just like oh now I’m like, did they know from the beginning? But then now I know because they’re my friends I’m like, they didn’t know. Or maybe they did, who knows? Maybe they’re possessed.

Meg: They’re probably possessed. We’ll find out later…

Symphony: [laughs]

Meg: .. in season 18 of Welcome to Night Vale, it’ll be revealed.

Hal: [chuckles] I remember talking to Joseph, and this had to be some time in I think 2013 early 2014. And I know at that point, things were still being sort of plotted out. Like hey we had some thoughts about what, and that conversation was about Steve and Cecil’s relationship and maybe Cecil’s not the most reliable narrator. So now that’s something, that sort of rung in my head and it developed over the course of a couple years, but now going back, when you go back with that knowledge of what’s to come, it colors everything that you hear. Which I think is a hallmark of how good the writing is that they were able to take it, even if that’s not something they had planned out for 2014-2015, that they got there in a way that the internal logic stays intact. As a whole.

Symphony: Yeah. That you can go back and relisten to stuff and you’re like, oh yeah there’s no gaps where you’re like oh, that was totally forgotten about. It’s not like Lost.

Hal: Yeah, you’re watching like they don’t even know, he doesn’t even know what’s gonna happen, I can’t believe I’m listening like I have more knowledge than the character does.

Symphony: Right.

Hal: And it’s you’re getting to watch them, you get to rediscover it by listening along, which I think is really really cool.

Meg: That is really cool. I hadn’t thought about that, but it is a pretty cool experience to be like uh, I’m the reliable narrator know cause I know.

Symphony: Cause you’re from the future.

Meg: I’m from the future.

Hal: Oh my goodness, we’re all time travelers! This is very exciting.

Symphony: Ah, you guys!

Meg: (You’re all) Is this the best time to time travel?

Symphony: [laughs] I feel like I’m in Quantum Leap! I’m just gonna start mentioning major television shows. [laughter]

Meg: Yes, hey I think it’s fun, they can all come for us, they can all come directly for us.

Hal: Yeah what are they gonna do, send us to Cheers? [laughter]

Symphony: The Borg gonna get us from Star Trek?

Meg: Yeah I mean we're just like Raymond, everybody loves us. [laughter]

Hal: Sesame Street. You were saying, Meg?

Meg: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I was just thinking. Alright, so yeah I think it was interesting what we were talking about for a moment, with the sparks of love between Cecil and Carlos. I think it’s interesting to, this show was not one that describes people’s physical characteristic very much, but Carlos is described right away. His teeth and hair are described, which when I wrote that down I was like, teeth and hair! [laughter]

Symphony: What wonderful notes.

Meg: What wonderful notes, yeah, and Cecil’s description “I fell in love instantly”. And so they describe his perfect hair and his teeth like a military cemetery,a nd that he is beautiful.

Symphony: Hey, you like what you like, I guess.

Meg: Yeah.

Hal: Yeah.

Meg: The lens of Cecil’s developed.

Hal: Yes.

Symphony: Is that how you felt about Joseph the first time you saw him?

Meg: I felt, being honest about the first time I met Joseph, I did not think that he was uh.. I thought he was gorgeous, I mean like he’s a good-looking dude.

Symphony: Yeah.

Meg: But we did not get along on a personal level, I think cause I didn’t quite understand who he was, and then once I got to know him I fell in love, over time slash instantly. But yeah we met in the box office of the Kraine Theater, which is, the Kraine Theater is the place I met Joseph, I met Jeffrey Cranor, and I met Cecil Baldwin. So it’s a sacred, sacred space, yeah when I met Joseph and..

Symphony: Most of the important men in your life.

Hal: Yeah.

Meg: Yeah. When I, all of them except for, you know like my Dad and Hal Lublin.

Hal: Correct.

Meg: I met my Dad in the hospital when I was born. [laughter] It was a good day. Like I met my Mom and my Dad and maybe my sister all in the same day, which was pretty great.

Symphony: That’s a big day!

Hal: That’s pretty important.

Meg: Did I know at the time like how important these people would be to me? No, I was an infant, I was a newborn but, I felt it I think, maybe. [laughter] Alright. So when I first, but this isn’t a love podcast. When I first met Joseph I was like, who is this kid? What does he want? And then yeah we became friends and I, only wanted things from him from that point out.

Symphony: Then you made him yours.

Meg: Yeah so then I realized how wonderful and smart and, I always knew he was attractive, he is a good looking kid.

Symphony: Yeah.

Meg: He really is. Anyway, alright. Other things in this episode, there’s the NRA bumper stickers.

Symphony: OK, here’s the thing.

Meg: The intr-

Symphony: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.

Meg: I wasn’t gonna say anything, I was making..

Symphony: I’m sorry. I got really excited, because I was thinking about this in the first two episodes, they make their stance very very clear about where they stand with like governments, and the NRA and guns and all sorts of business like that. So to all of you (friendlings) out there, who love your second amendment, we love you too, however listen to the episodes.

Hal: Yeah, it is really striking, I agree. I had the same, I wrote that down too that idea of like, you know where they stand right away and sadly, it’s really sad that six years later, that is really relevant to the point that listening to it I was like hold on, this could have been written any time in the last year.

Symphony: Three weeks ago.

Hal: It could have been an hour ago, and it would feel just as relevant. Which is, that’s a piece of commentary about a lot of different things, but in particular it’s..

Meg: Yeah.

Hal: It’s nice to see like, it’s very much them, and what’s inside of them and then writing their, what’s in their heart. Probably with the idea that hey it doesn’t matter who listens to us, we’re gonna make something that we care about. And that comes through big time, in moments like that in particular.

Meg: Yeah if Night Vale is an American city, which it’s a city in the American southwest, it’s set in the America so the people who, we can’t hide from that, we can’t run from that whether it is this totally bizarre world where up is down and down is up, it is still footed in America. And so there’s these things that are unescapable about it. And yeah, Joseph and Jeffrey are not ones to ever really hide their opinions when it comes to things like gun violence…

Hal: True.

Symphony: True. So and as we have also evidenced by, when we travel throughout this beautiful country of ours, I remember there has been airports that we’ve come through, where there’s been a sign that says: “Did you forget to take the gun out of your luggage?” And I’m like oh, I never put one in there, dang it!

Hal: [laughs]

Symphony: I guess I forgot to bring that.

Meg: I can’t bring dry shampoo.

Symphony: Right?

Meg: But.. [laughter] Like literally, you’re like we can’t bring that dry shampoo.

Symphony: What about my yoghurt?

Meg: What, hang on, sidenote. Tangent, why are old people always trying to bring yoghurt on the airplane? Like it’s a liquid, friends, like…

Symphony: [laughs] Constant struggle.

Hal: Oh my god. One time I was at the metal detector at LAX and I was behind a group of older German tourists, and it was like they huddled up beforehand, they were like alright, which rule do you wanna break cause we shouldn’t all do the same one.

Symphony: What?

Hal: I’ll have a pocket full of coins, meanwhile you’ll have a gallon of water in a camel bag that you’ve strapped on that you don’t understand you can’t have for a variety of reasons. [laughter] And then could you be juggling grenades as you try to walk through? That would be great, alright, break. And it took forever, it felt like I mean, again probably wasn’t that long but it felt like nine days, of waiting for them to get it together and realize that they can’t drive a car through the metal detector. It was bizarre.

Symphony: You grew a beard in that time.

Hal: I grew a long wispy bread. I scratched several lines, both horizontal and vertical, into the wall to mark how long I’d been there.

Meg: Alright. Welcome to this very important podcast where we talk about, how things can be frustrating at lines at airport security.

Hal: Yeah. We’re so sorry (it’s all)..

Symphony: It’s all part of the Night Vale experience.

Hal: Yeah. I was gonna say we were talking about Joseph before, I wanted to bring it to the weather. Meg: Yeah, the weather. Let’s tease it like they do on the show so we’ll be like, next up we’re gonna talk to Welcome to Night Vale’s voice, Cecil Baldwin, but first – we’re gonna talk about the weather. [sings] Da-daa..

Symphony: That was a good, that was a good teaser.

Meg: We teased it. Really teased that.

Symphony: We teased the shit out of it. [laughter]

Meg: Yeah, so the weather. These and More than These…

Symphony: It was Joseph!

Meg: By Joseph Fink.

Symphony: That’s your husband.

Hal: I didn’t know who, I was listening to it, I was like this guy sounds super familiar, but I don’t, I can’t place him musically to any other songs that I would have heard from him.

Symphony: [laughs]

Hal: And then I’d get to the end of the episode where like, (-) the weather was These and More than These by Joseph Fink, I’m like get the fuck out of town!

Symphony: Right?

Hal: That was Joseph? And…

Symphony: He’s such a good singer!

Hal: He has a beautiful singing voice, how do I not know this after all this time? And it’s an enjoyable song.

Symphony: It’s a good song.

Meg: It is, the lyrics are great, they’re super weird and fun.

Symphony: OK so first of all, let’s talk about the weather being a song.

Meg: Yeah, this is the first time that happened.

Symphony: The first time I ever, I remember back in the day when I first listened to the episode, I remember I was like, OK and now the weather. Cause it had other installments like Community Calendar and whatever and you’re like OK, that’s cool that makes sense it’s like weird and kind of funny. But then the weather is music. What a brilliant idea. And now that I know Joseph as well, it makes so much sense. Joseph and Jeffrey, it makes so much sense because they are so focused in music, they both love music so much, and Joseph especially loves independent music. And I admire that. And listening to this show, I have found more musicians and more music that I would have never ever heard of in my entire life.

Hal: Sure.

Symphony: And it’s like getting a recommendation from a friend, right? You’re like, they’re like you would like this song, and they play the song and it’s like wow. But this song in particular being the first song, I keep thinking I’m like, was he just like oh, I’m gonna put this song on there, or had he thought oh I’m gonna try to see if I can find other people, or whatever. I guess I don’t know that bit.

Meg: I mean knowing Joseph and knowing his process behind this, he was definitely like well OK what do I have the rights to? OK, something that I own.

Symphony: [laughs]

Meg: And then yeah, I don’t know his process behind selecting. Joseph has a lot of songs, he’s had some be on the weather, he’s had some that weren’t on the weather that just exist. I used to go see him play at open mics and (-) places in New York City, and he would play his original songs, and he would also play a Leonard Cohen cover or two, because that’s how adorable he is. So I think, I don’t know why he selected this one “These and More than These”, but I like it, I think it’s really fitting in the first episode, I think you’re gonna get an interesting.. Joseph’s voice as a songwriter as well as Joseph’s voice as a writer.

Hal: Yeah.

Meg: So yeah I think he was first starting to place the weather, he was like who do I know that will say yes to this, and he was the one who could do that for the first episode. [chuckles]

Symphony: It me, you know.

Meg: It me, and now it’s branched out like so many people, people like the Mountain Goats have premiered songs on the show and..

Symphony: That’s phenomenal.

Meg: ..Dessa has premiered songs on the show and people have, like The Felice Brothers have premiered stuff so it’s like, there’s all these bands that we love and have loved forever, and musicians that are putting their work on our show and it’s so cool to start from here and get to a bigger place.

Hal: Yeah.

Meg: As well as the submissions. There was a while we were taking submissions for the weather, and we got so much great music from people. And that’s the point where it’s like, we still use those submissions, we opened submissions I think for like a couple weeks, and we still use some of those submissions. As there were just hundreds of great great songs.

Hal: Amazing.

Symphony: But that’s also how we get introduced to so many great artist that we’ve heard from and once that we’ve worked with. Mary Epworth and Eliza Rickman and Dessa and Doomtree and all sorts of people, people from all over the world which is really phenomenal and actually I’m going to see Dessa this weekend, for her new Chime tour so I’m pretty excited about that.

Meg: It’s a great album.

Symphony: It’s so good.

Meg: She hasn’t made anything I don’t like. She hasn’t sent a text message I didn’t like. Like every piece of her writing is that good. [laughs]

Symphony: She’s a poet.

Meg: She’s a poet, yeah seriously. She Facebook comments in a beautiful way like she just.. [laughter] Which is a, super (sick) (--). Yeah it’s like, we get to meet such great people and luckily we get to work with them when they came on tour with us like we’ve had, and we’ve really bonded with all of them. I think tour will bond you to people.

Symphony: Yes.

Meg: It’s cool to bond to people who are like, they start as outsiders and then they become insiders.

Symphony: They’re from the inner circle. Actually we should, just a sidenote, we should have a maybe special episode talking about tour, I feel like we’ll talk about it anyways but, be like oh tour shows, Investigators… what else did we do, Ghost Stories?

Meg: Yeah we did Ghost Stories, Old Oak Doors we didn’t tour but we did it live.

Hal: The Debate.

Meg: Condos we sort of toured, The Debate.

Symphony: That’ll be really interesting when we come across those. And we’ll have to go over the controversy of, what we call the controversy of the original Tamika Flynn. [laughter]

Meg: I think we will, stay tuned audience, we’ll go over that controversy.

Symphony: It’s me, it’s always been me!

Meg: There’s also the controversy of the original Carlos.

Hal: Oh yeah, for sure!

Symphony: Yes, we’ll talk about that with Jefe.

Meg: Yeah, with our Jefe and maybe even with Dylan Maroon, short of Dylan Marron.

Symphony: Ooh!

Meg: We have more fun guests coming, but speaking of more fun guests coming, we go now to our conversation with Cecil Baldwin.

Hal: Stay right there. Good Morning Night Vale will return after a brief break.

Meg: We go now to our conversation with Cecil Baldwin. Alright, so who do we have with us on the line, who could it be?

Cecil Baldwin: Wait, is that me?

Meg: It’s you.

Hal: Do you know who you are? You get three guesses.

Cecil: It’s me!

Hal: Alright, that’s fun.

Cecil: [chuckling] That’s one. Also me! And my telephone.

Meg: Cecilia Joyce Baldwin.

Cecil: That’s right. It’s me Cecil Baldwin!

Meg: So Cecil Baldwin, what is it that you do for Welcome to Night Vale? [laughter]

Cecil: What don’t I do for Welcome to Night Vale?

Meg: True.

Cecil: I’m a voice actor on Welcome to Night Vale. I play the character of Cecil Palmer, although we’re talking about the pilot episode..

Symphony: Yes.

Meg: Sure are.

Cecil: So there was no Cecil and there was no Palmer. It was just “guy”. It was like, dude on mic.

Symphony: Unbodied voice.

Cecil: Just the voice of.

Meg: Yeah. You were the voice of for a very long time before you got proper-named.

Cecil: Yeah.

Meg: So yeah we have Cecil Baldwin with us, Cecil is of course of the voice of Night Vale, the velvet host of Night Vale Radio, the velvet-voiced vost, the velvet… voiced host.

Symphony: Yeah. That’s a lot of words.

Meg: So as you mentioned, we’re discussing the pilot episode. So the pilot episode aired June 15, 2012. What was your life like in June 15 in 2012? [chuckles]

Cecil: Oh my god. If I was better at multitasking, I would totally look up my Facebook page from 2012, just to see what was up but I literally can’t talk and uh, handle technology at the same time so…

Symphony: You need a time hop.

Cecil I know I know, I was thinking about that. See, had I done any preparation for this show, I would have already done that. But the prep I did was listen to the pilot twice, while I made dinner tonight. So you know, I was like that’s enough. What was my life like? I was probably waiting tables six days a week at a restaurant in Chelsea, New York. Probably doing Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind. Trying desperately to get onto Law and Order [laughter] or, oh man, what was…

Symphony: Like every New York actor.

Cecil: Like every New York actor. What was the one on HBO? That was like…

Meg: Carnivale?

Cecil: No, no no it was like..

Meg: Oh no, the one.

Cecil: Like (five points) New York, old rough New York.

Meg: Yeah yeah, with Steve Buscemi.

Cecil: With Steve Buscemi, yeah.

Hal: Boardwalk Empire.

Cecil: Boardwalk Empire. I was like…

Meg: Boardwalk Empire, yes.

Cecil: That was like, as long as that show was on, somebody kept calling me back and I was like maybe this time, and I never got it. So that was probably what I was doing, [chuckles] at that point in my life and living in like, the tiniest apartment in West Harlem with the tallest man that could possibly fit into that apartment with me. And that was where I recorded this pilot episode.

Hal: You were living in a sitcom. [laughter]

Symphony: He is (-).

Cecil: Yeah, it was like a sad kind of foul-smelling sitcom.

Hal: I have a question for you, Cecil.

Cecil: Yeah.

Hal: This is Hal Lublin, I play your uh, brother outside the law, Steve Carlsberg. Just to introduce myself, it’s me.

Cecil: Who are you?

Hal: We’ve roomed together, we’re road roomies.

Cecil: Who am I?

Symphony: Me too!

Meg: Me too.

Cecil: I think we’ve, have we all roomed?

Meg: I’ve, yeah.

Symphony: Everybody except for like, I haven’t stayed with Hal before.

Meg: I haven’t stayed with Hal either, so yes Cecil you’re the unique one in this conversation, you’ve roomed with Hal.

Cecil: Nice.

Meg: We’ve all roomed with you.

Cecil: I’m the spoke of the wheel. Everybody’s like..

Symphony: Cecil’s gotten around.

Cecil: Next tour Cecil has his own room, it’s fine. [laughter]

Hal: So my question is, which room mate was the best? No I, my actual question…

Cecil: Which room mate was... [laughter]

Symphony: Wow.

Hal: In (listening to -)..

Cecil: And the (--) breakfast (-).

Meg: Symphony Sanders is a pretty good room mate. I’ll say it. I mean I can’t speak (--) but Symphony Sanders is an excellent room mate. She always brings you water…

Symphony: I’m a pretty good room mate.

Meg: She always brings me water so…

Cecil: Coconut water and, yeah no (-).

Symphony: I like to create an experience, you guys.

Hal: I wish I hadn’t asked that question.

Cecil: And you leave to go exercise, wakes me up, so I can then go back to sleep. And then say hello to you after you’ve worked out, and be like oh maybe I should get out of bed now. [laughter]

Symphony: I come in glistening and I’m like hey wake up, are you ready? Ready to face the day?

Cecil: The sun’s been up for six hours. [laughter]

Symphony: I’ve had a full day.  

Cecil: Did you have a question, Hal? I can’t remember.

Hal: Yes. I did have an actual question listening to it, one thing that struck me even in like the first three minutes of the episode listening to it, was like oh I’m listening to Cecil find his character.

Cecil: Oh yeah.

Hal: As you were doing it it was evolving, even in the first couple moments which was really impressive to watch you kind of zero in on it. Cause I know, we’ve heard the story before in panels, but I’d love to hear a little bit about your initial approach for this episode, looking at it, how much direction you had an like how you were directing yourself, how many takes it took, that kind of stuff.

Cecil: Well, first it sounds like Cecil on Xanax, like it sounds real, I was like wow I sound very sedate in this.

Symphony: Yeah.

Cecil: And I think, that more than anything set the tone for people who then later would be like, oh my god I fall asleep listening to your voice, so soothing. Because listening to those first couple of episodes it really is super neutral, like it’s so neutral and like just really quiet, just reading. And there was, like the character of, which would later evolve, wasn’t there as much. Because I don’t know. I guess I knew this idea it would be like an episodic thing, and it would go on from there but I had no idea, how many we were doing and where this was all going and stuff like that, so I was like well let’s just, you know, keep it really basic and simple and just start by words on the page, and then finding ways to you know, have that sort of very neutral narrator voice, and slowly finding the moments in Joseph and Jeffrey’s writing when Cecil does comment on stuff. And there’s little ones in this first episode. It’s just like, so and so brought the corn muffins and they needed salt. Oh like that was a moment when I, that was like a Cecil moment rather than a neutral narrator NPR, late night radio DJ, generic.

Symphony: Right. So when you were initially finding the character, a lot of that was just like feeling it out..

Cecil: Yeah.

Symphony: And you weren’t sure where it was gonna come from.

Cecil: Mm hm, yeah.

Symphony: Right or where it was gonna go so you just were like, I am gonna read this thing as well as I can.

Cecil: Yeah exactly like, put words on sound, into a mic.

Symphony: Exactly. And as an actor of course obviously you’re trying to do the writers’ words justice, right?

Cecil: Mm hm, yeah.

Symphony: So I think that’s part of it but now listening to it when you go back and have heard it again, what would you think you might have done differently?

Cecil: What I’d done differently?

Symphony: If anything, or was it a perfect read?

Cecil: [laughs] No it was not perfect. I dunno, I do wish that I’d had a chance to take a crack at it again. I think I would have, in a way getting to do kind of the last paragraph as the foreword to the book, the first book, was kind of a chance to do a do-over. And it was so much fun to be at the studio, in a fancy, you know like midtown studio with an engineer and a director and all that stuff getting to redo what was essentially the very first episode of the podcast. And having 70 plus episodes of Night Vale under my belt at that point, that was really cool, that was super cool.

Symphony: So did you feel more connected to it?

Cecil: Yeah, I felt more connected and also giving every part of the language weight. Cause when you’re reading something, for the first time especially if it’s absurd like no-linear. You just have to kind of be like, OK these are the things that I’m gonna try and hit, and highlight and let the chips fall where they may. But if I had a chance to go back and redo the pilot, I think I would have made some of the one-off jokes, like the two-sentence jokes punchier, punch it up kid, you know?

Symphony: [laughs] Well I feel like that we get to do now in the live shows where we get to repeat and do the shows over and over again, but..

Cecil: Yeah.

Symphony: When you record it one time, you’re like oh man, now that I listen to it I can do something differently.

Cecil: Yeah.

Symphony: Speaking of taking a time travel, let’s go back to the time hop thing for one second. So in your world, back then you said you were just recording this, you didn’t know where it was going and you were waiting tables, right?

Cecil: Yeah.

Symphony: So when you recorded this, how did you record it? Did you go to a place, can you tell that sort of story?

Cecil: I had to borrow Joseph Fink’s Snowball microphone. Which is this giant plastic, you know like ball on a tripod. You know it’s like…

Meg: I still have it.

Cecil: Oh really?

Meg: Yeah.

Symphony: Get out of here!

Cecil: Like you can just throw them around and, but they’re kinda bulky. And so he had wrapped it up in a sweatshirt. [laughter] And we met at a coffee shop near Union Square, and he was just like OK, here take this, plug it up to your computer and just record it, just do it. You can use Audacity or Garage Band, whatever. And I had heard of Audacity through the Neo-Futurists for free sound editing software, so I was like OK I’ll check, OK. So I took this like contraband, little straw baby back to my apartment. [laughter] And I plugged it in. And I think I recorded maybe the pilot and the second episode at the same time? Or I think one, two and three happened within the same week.

Symphony: OK.

Cecil: So that way, cause I had the microphone borrowed, and then eventually I had returned it and got my own. And then we did the reverse of this, like pass off this weird little small child sized microphone, wrapped in the sweatshirt in front of the coffee shop on the street. It was podcast drugs, it was like illegal podcast contraband. [dramatic voice] In a world where podcasting is illegal and the penalty is death! [laughter] It’s somewhere..

Meg: And the rest is history.

Hal: It’s like a Logan’s Run scenario where there’s only podcasts inside the dome.

Cecil: That’s right, it’s… [laughs]

Hal: If you live outside the dome, you’re gonna find your way in that city.

Cecil: It’s like A Handmaiden’s Tale, except for podcasting.

Hal: Did you record them in order?

Cecil: Yes. For the most part absolutely. It wasn’t until like literally years later that I started getting, it was like three episode arcs or stuff like that where stuff would be out of order but mostly was like, literally one two three four five six in succession, for years.

Symphony: And did they give you any indication, were they like, oh we’re just gonna keep doing this until we can’t do it anymore, or?

Cecil: Yeah. I think around like episode seven or eight, I emailed Joseph I was like, heeeeyyyy. So where’s this going? You know like, is there a, do y’all have like a giant dry erase board that you’re, have like characters written out and shit like that? And they were like, absolutely not. [laughter] I think Joseph’s reply was like, we just figure we’re gonna keep making it until we don’t wanna make it anymore. Until it stops being fun, I think literally he was, we’re gonna make it until it’s not fun to make anymore. And I was like, OK, well here we go.

Meg: And here we are.

Cecil: And here we are.

Meg: 125 episodes in.

Cecil: I know, right? And I know that’s been like, there’s been a lot of fun stuff along the way involving like, continuity and stuff like that because, literally that was how we made it was just like, OK here’s an episode, and here’s another episode that kind of mentions this other character, however many episodes back. And like you kind of half-remember stuff. For me it was a lot of, for my end it was more about like, trying to find episodes that that character was mentioned, to be like wait, does Telly the Barber have a voice? Did we ever give him a voi-, does he ever say anything?

Symphony: Right.

Cecil: Cause there’s like, when you’re reporting stuff second hand on, which this show is, you kind of have the choice every time you see words in quotes, to like is it impersonation of that character? Or is it Cecil, are you trying to sound like the character themself or are you trying to sound like, what that narrator’s personification of that character is. And usually the easiest way is just to be like, “and then they said a whole bunch of stuff”. Much like a newscaster.

Symphony: You’re not doing an impersonation, you’re just..

Cecil: Exactly.

Symphony: ..reporting on what they said.

Cecil: Exactly. And I would just kind of feel it out in this very like one foot in front of the other, episode by episode kind of way. And then later on, I was like oh man, have we heard from Big Rico? Does Big Rico have a voice or a sound and I’m sure there have been like, characters that sounded one way and then, maybe 20 episodes later they say like one sentence and you’re like, that’s totally not right, there must be like a million of those. Or at least there is in my mind.

Meg: So when you were doing your relisten tonight, was there anything that jumped out at you that struck you as weird or interesting or like, any feels about listening to the show?

Cecil: OK so the first thing that I noticed from the very beginning is, sort of the entity of Night Vale Presents. And I was like oh man, it was like Jeffrey came on and they were talking about the Tingle podcast and, Conversations with me you know Dylan and, I was like oh man. Because of course it makes absolute sense but in my mind I was like, some of those early intros especially with Joseph where he’s like, I was like are we going to get to (Dash) convention?

Symphony: Yes.. [laughter]

Cecil: You know it’s not that early on, but I was like oh man, those are as much of a time capsule, almost more than the show itself of like how far..

Symphony: The announcements, yeah.

Cecil: ..how long ago this was. When we were just like..

Meg: Those are gone now.

Cecil: They’re like all of them are gone?

Meg: They’re a gone.

Cecil: Hey, I mean..

Symphony: Yeah it’s just like thanks..

Meg: (--).

Symphony: ..it’s like thanks for loving us, donate if you can, like whatever you get special content, right?

Cecil: I hope somebody has a copy of them somewhere.

Meg: I think they do exist somewhere.

Cecil: See, that’s all I wanna know.

Meg: Because of the advent of dynamic insertion, which sounds really dirty but really…

Symphony: That sounds nasty!

Meg: ..it just allows you to move stuff around. So a while back, I re-recorded all the credits and proverbs and made...

Symphony: Get out of here, no you didn’t!

Meg: Yeah.

Cecil: What?

Meg: Yeah and…

Symphony: Meg?!!

Meg: And then they chop up what I say at the end of this show and like, there’s different versions of it, so I do like a different version and that gets like edited around, to be like when I talk about the mailing or I talk about merchandise or I talk about live shows, that stuff kinda moves around.

Cecil: Wow.

Symphony: Get out! OK and then that goes into every episode just in case somebody’s listening now for the first time, to the first episode like they get the current stuff?

Meg: Yeah they get the current stuff so they get, what we’re talking about now and if you listen to the pilot now and download the pilot now you’ll get, I don’t remember if it was Joseph or Jeffrey they do, they talk about live shows or something.

Hal: It’s Jeffrey.

Symphony: Yeah I heard Joseph talking about donating to get, and you can get special content and all that stuff. Oh, that’s so interesting!

Cecil: All that special content.

Symphony: Technology!

Meg: Yeah, so they can move all that stuff around, they can change it. It’s good cause you don’t wanna, like if someone’s listening to episode 70 and they wanna come see a live show, they don’t wanna hear about a live show that happened a year and a half ago, they wanna (--) the stuff going on…

Cecil: Come see The Investigators!

Meg: Yeah.

Symphony: [laughs]

Hal: I do slightly feel betrayed, in a heavy way. Just like, I wanna hear those old, cause that’s what I remember when I first listened to it.

Symphony: Hal wants the classics! [laughter]

Hal: It was always Joseph coming in, saying there is no Joseph Fink and like here’s..

Cecil: Yeah, we’re all Joseph Fink..

Hal: Here’s how you can support the show, we are all Joseph Fink.

Symphony: That was always really fun to record.

Meg: Let me make some phone calls, let me see if I can get those recordings for us to work off of. Let me see, so we don’t have to work off the new ones.

Cecil: And if Good Morning Night Vale, if Good Morning Night Vale is truly a retrospective show, I feel like you should go through an episode later like pull out some choice ones, and play them for the listeners of like (--).

Meg: Good idea, thanks for the content idea, that’s a good one.

Hal: Yeah! And then we can submit it to the Smithsonian along with that Snowball mic, as part of the Night Vale exhibit.

Meg: Which is…

Cecil: When there’s a Night Vale exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum, and they have all the artifacts and all the deer paintings, and the laminate for Big Rico’s Pizza that I stole from San Diego Comic Con, stuff like that. [laughter]

Cecil: There’ll be little listening booths for all the children.

Hal: I actually volunteered to live for three months.

Cecil: Oh really? [laughs]

Hal: Yeah just like in a tank, like it’s a David Blaine thing but I will have a bed, so that’s the difference. [laughter]

Cecil: Oh my god.

Hal: And a (potty) with a (--) so I can (--).

Cecil: The artist is present. And it is Steve Carlsberg.

Hal: I mean you press a button to deliver a low level electric shock, it’s fine, I can deal with it. [laughter]

Cecil: You get like food pellets.

Symphony: I know, that’s what I was thinking, I was like food pellets.

Cecil: And Carlsberg beer.

Symphony: Yeah, it’s Carlsberg.

Hal: If I can solve the puzzle.

Symphony: Isn’t that like not even full alcohol beer?

Cecil: Oh, is that a low alcohol beer?

Symphony: Is it? Or is it just terrible tasting? [laughter] Who knows?

Meg: I dunno if I’ve ever had one.

Symphony: A Carlsberg? We should do that this tour. If you buy us a Carlsberg beer, oh wait, no one will hear this but…

Hal: Symphony will drink it. [laughter]

Symphony: [laughs hysterically]

Meg: This episode premieres June 7.

Hal: If you see one of us..

Symphony: Nevermind, cut it! Cut it, (-) cut it!

Cecil: I think according to Wikipedia I think Carlsberg is a normal beer.

Symphony: OK. Did you look it up?

Cecil: Yeah I did.

Meg: Are you multi-tasking with technology?

Cecil: I’m trying to multi-task but it’s really hard.

Symphony: Look at you and your science.

Hal: Look at you.

Symphony: Speaking of science…

Meg: Is it…

Cecil: Dark magic.

Meg: Is it a Dutch beer?

Hal: Probably.

Cecil: Denmark.

Meg: Is Carlsberg Dutch, oh Denmark.

Cecil: Denmark.

Meg: It’s a Danish beer.

Symphony: Who knows with those people?

Meg: Those people who are our fans, who listen to us, who love to go see… [laughter] Hey, we love you Copenhagen!

Cecil: Oh my god, right?

Symphony: Literally no one is hating on Denmark, like ever, so they can take it.

Cecil: Oh my god, there’s a special place in my heart for Copenhagen.

Symphony: I wanna go there so bad.

Cecil: I had such a splendidly shitty time both times I went. But it was like, fireworks of shit. The best crazy, travel stories that in the moment you’re like this is the longest day of my life. However..

Symphony: Is that when they lost your luggage?

Meg: It really was.

Cecil: But I know future me is gonna eat up every moment of it. And it’s all because of Copenhagen. Copen-hahgen.

Meg: Yeah.

Symphony: Do you say hay-gen or hah-gen?

Meg: I say Copen-haygen. I guess you can say both, I’ve heard both.

Symphony: Are both correct or is it just like willy-nilly?

Cecil: My guess is it’s Copen-hahgen for people who live there, Copen-haygen with an American accent? I dunno.

Symphony: Maybe.

Cecil: That’s my guess.

Symphony: Sammy Hey-gar. No. Sammy Hah-gar.

Cecil: Sammy Hah-gar. [laughter]

Meg: Hey-gen-Dasz. Hah-gen-Dasz.

[They’re basically just saying Häagen-Dazs in various ways and something about Chicago, I dunno how to transcribe it]

Symphony: It’s funny because I live here.

Hal: This is topical.

Meg: Well, this conversation has been…

Symphony: Next!

Meg: …a joy. Cecil, thank you so much for joining us on the first ever Good Morning Night Vale, it’s so great to hear from you.

Cecil: Thank you for having me. Yeah, it’s super weird to be talking to you all in a professional capacity with like, listeners listening in. Just FYI.

Meg: It’s like they’re backstage with us.

Cecil: I know.

Meg: Except we’re wearing clothes. Well, I’m wearing clothes, I don’t know about, I can’t speak for anyone else on this call.

Cecil: I’m wearing clothes, for once.

Symphony: Kinda.

Cecil: Kind of. [laughs] State of undress.

Symphony: A crop top is clothes. I’m wearing a crop top and leggings, is that, that’s clothes?

Hal: And I’m covered in body paint, so I’m good.

Symphony: [laughs]

Cecil: Oo! I’ll say, I’m wearing a full suit from the waist up and nothing from the waist down.

Meg: Perfect.

Hal: Business on top, party on the bottom.

Symphony: [laughs] Yes!

Meg: Alright, cool. Well thanks, Ceec!

Cecil: Party on.

Meg: Thanks. Bye!

Cecil: Bye!

Hal: Bye!

Meg: Thank you so much for joining us on our first ever episode of Good Morning Night Vale. Next week, we’re gonna talk about the episode 2, “Glow Cloud”, and we’ll be joined by special guest Joseph Fink, the creator and writer of Welcome to Night Vale and my personal husband.

Symphony: Amongst other things. [laughs]

Hal: You’ll hear us next time.

Meg: You’ll hear us next time. Thank you so much. Good morning, Night Vale, good morning.

Symphony: Good morning. Byeee!

Today’s adverb: Zestfully. I zestfully zested an orange, because I am flamboyant and I care deeply about really hammering in those notes of citrus in my flavor profile.

[lookatthisdork]

Opinion piece: DC House of Horror (2017)

First of all SPOILERS for DC House of Horror!

Second, this is only my OPINION. It might be unpopular. It might even be offensive. But I want to talk about this before going back to my normally scheduled “hey look at this cool stuff” and “it’s stupid AU time!” content.

I did not read the Green Arrow and Captain Marvel/Shazam stories since I’m not currently invested in those characters. *shrugs*

The rest are...meh. The whole series seems to have Keith Giffen credited with the plot ideas, but each story has a different script writer. So I have no idea who I’m criticizing in each of these blurbs. Probably Keith. I don’t know.

Bump in the Night (feat Superman; by Edward Lee)

I have admittedly little experience with horror movie conventions, but I’m pretty sure this was aiming for the opening of a monster movie. Creepy, dangerous alien falls from space, kills the locals before making its way to more populated areas. The poor schmuck that finds it first always dies quickly and painfully, which is what happened to Pa Kent here. Kind of a cheap death, but it fits the genre convention.

The dramatic irony of Martha Kent trying to call her husband and her refusing to leave the house when something strange is happening outside were pulled off pretty well. Overall, I think she reads as a spirited but ultimately doomed horror protagonist.

My problem with this is that the alien (”Clark/Baby Superman”) reads as a complete cardboard-cutout monster cliche. Why did he kill Pa and Ma Kent? No reason is even alluded to. He just kills them because they’re there.

(If I were writing this, I would have played up the naive-creepy-child factor. Have Clark accidentally kill Jonathan Kent since he’s a child who doesn’t know his own strength and has never seen a dead person before. If you want to keep the alien-vibe, have him not recognize that he killed a person. Imagine a kid using a magnifying glass on an ant, then replace the ant with Pa and Ma Kent. I like to think that would have been more memorable.)

Man’s World (feat Wonder Woman; by Mary Sangiovanni)

Well, they definitely have the aesthetic they were going for. The mixed chronology is actually not as confusing as I was expecting since the artists made good use of the colors and a wardrobe change to help guide the reader through the flashbacks. I actually felt creeped out by this one.

The only problem is...this doesn’t read like Diana AT ALL. Having Diana not speak English is a great way to keep her menacing, but it also destroys any ability for the audience to know what’s going on in her head. Without her words, we have only her actions, and...she’s just going around killing people? Who haven’t done anything?? (Except the last guy, but he’s one out of six on-page deaths.)

What is her motivation? Why is she doing these things? What happened to Wonder Woman, righteous warrior and defender of the innocent?

(This would have been excellent if it was a villain character instead of Diana, just saying.)

Crazy for You (feat Harley Quinn; by Bryan Smith and Brian Keene)

Is it a ghost? Or is it a hallucination? Both? I’m not sure, and I love that I’m not sure.

That said, I’m definitely not a Harley expert...does she read in-character? I don’t know, she feels flat to me. And something about cutting hard away from witnessing the murders. Unreliable narrator is in effect, I want more concrete details of the murders from Chuck’s point of view.

Last Laugh (feat Batman; by Nick Cutter)

Ha. Hahaha. This is the one I reblogged panels from yesterday. 

Good things first: capitalizing on Batman-Joker parallels has been done since forever, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think the opening and closing scenes are well-narrated and well-composed. The much smaller batcave and the gun are good hints that something’s very different about this universe. The Joker’s voice was pretty good, for the most part. I wouldn’t change much of anything in the first half of this.

The second half...hahaha.

My beef with this one isn’t that Jason was killed; it was that he was killed for shock value and as an undisguised reference to super-(in)famous Death in the Family. It does not add constructively to the narrative at all. Last Laugh is clearly a hard AU with only the barest resemblance to canon; leaning so hard on canon that you only have one panel (technically two panels) with Jason in your story means that I just get angry instead of mournfully distraught when Jason is killed. It’s cheap and unearned in my opinion.

More broadly, there’s mixed signals as to the nature of Bruce’s delusion. Is he going around beating/killing people dressed as Batman? Or does he do his murders specifically dressed as the Joker? The later red panels indicate the former while the zoom-in on his locker at the end implies the latter. This whole story would have been much stronger if the writer had picked one interpretation and stuck with it from beginning to end.

(I would go with a strong Batman/Joker divide where Batman is still the vigilante and the Joker is the only “one” doing the crimes. Have the blue and red panels read as Batman vs Joker for most of the first read-through, but also have them consistently show Delusion vs Truth for the second read-through. I would also have Joker’s call-outs be a little more ambiguous so the twist actually sneaks up on you as opposed to be super obvious from the first red panel on.

And goddamn, if you’re going to kill Jason, at least have him show up in the narrative beforehand as Robin in the Delusion panel and ordinary-child-Jason in the Truth panel. Have him walk in on something he shouldn’t have, which leads to his murder and Bruce’s subsequent final mental break. Hell, maybe even imply that Robin was never really a thing outside Bruce’s head to really hammer home the death of a child who did nothing wrong.

Work for the tragedy, is all I’m saying.)

Blackest Day (feat Hal Jordan and Justice League; by Brian Keene)

In my opinion, this is the strongest of the lot. Zombie Barry compromising the moon base - because he was looking for help and didn’t realize he was already doomed - is excellent. And terrifying, because Zombie Barry could start the apocalypse by himself, imagine how many people he could bite in a minute. Liked how Hal held onto hope all the way up until he felt himself changing, then decided to take a Last Stand rather than let himself become part of the problem.

Superman being off-planet was cheap. The timeline for the End of the World seems super contracted based on Constantine’s transmission and the way the moon base was wholly in the dark. Wonder Woman and J’onn died very easily. Would have liked more fighting off the zombies, but this was short enough that there wasn’t a lot of time for that.

Having the World actually End...I’m never a fan of complete annihilation by zombies. (And what about Themyscira? Atlantis? Is DC Earth really completely depopulated?)

(I’m just saying, post-zombie-apocalypse AU. I’d read it.)

Unmasked (feat Two Face; by Wrath James White...that’s a weird name)

I think this one’s the weakest of the ones I read. I may not be the most well-read when it comes to Havey/Two-Face, but ugh. Serial Killer Harvey is something I don’t need in an official AU. Not to mention that that is not how skinning a person works - connective tissue between the skin and the muscle would mean that peeling each face would take way more time than shown. 

The Leviathan thing also takes up way too many panels and accomplishes nothing. NOTHING.

[tessatechaitea]

Black Condor #2

The Sky Pirate is definitely an incel.

I don't want to shit on incels because people who can't get laid aren't the only jerks who turn into monsters when they can't get their way. I also don't want to make it seem like not getting laid is the worst thing that can happen to a person but have you ever not gotten laid when you really, really wanted to fuck? It's the worst! Now think about not being able to get laid for thirty to forty years. Do you think you're going to give one shit about climate change?! Of course not! That's why Sky Pirate is carbon emitting all over the fucking place on the cover! Sky Pirate doesn't need Black Condor to punch him in the face; he needs him to suck his balls. On the other hand, getting laid isn't that great, I bet.

I don't know why the guy isn't coming in his pants too.

Back in 1992, we didn't have incels. We just had guys who understood they were never going to get laid so they memorized all the stats of Fiend Folio monsters no Dungeon Master would ever use, like the achaierai or the umpleby or the tween or the snyad or the twill or the tabaxi or the qullan or the mantari or the gryph. Those are actual monsters but I probably could have just made up a bunch of nonsense words and nobody would have fucking noticed. Fiend Folio had a lot of shitty monsters. You know who wouldn't know that? Somebody who was getting laid in 1992! Something else somebody getting laid in 1992 wouldn't understand? Jerking off to the caryatid column!

I had to steal this image from the Internet because I've packed away all of my D&D manuals.

We really need legalized prostitution in this country. Also, we need to remove any negative stigma for going to a prostitute. Also we need male prostitutes that are good at sex so that women don't have to hook up with random guys who are probably terrible at sex when they want to bust whatever the female version of nuts are. Inside nuts? It's got to be tough being an incel in that even if you think you might finally get the chance to get laid, you know you're going to be awful at it and probably ruin a second chance of getting laid. Because who wants to fuck a guy whose underwear looks like the aftermath of a visit from your friendly neighborhood Spider-man when you go to pull his dick out? True story (I have to preface this story that way so that people actually think it's true even though they should realize I'm an unreliable narrator): when I finally met a woman who wanted desperately to fuck me, I obviously wasn't going to be any good at sex. I had learned to jerk off quickly in the quiet moments nobody was in the house (often to the scene in Return of the Living Dead (on VHS tape) when the punk girl dances naked on the crypt). So when this lovely and accommodating woman pulled my cock out and began kissing and sucking it, I wanted to explode immediately. But I knew I couldn't do that! I had to hold out! So I held out for like ten or fifteen seconds and, in my head, I thought, "That's good enough, right?!" Then I blew my load in her face and she was all, "Whoa. Um. Hey. What the fuck?" Actually, she wanted to fuck me so badly that she didn't care that I was almost certainly going to prematurely ejaculate every time we fucked until I finally decided I wanted to spend more time replaying Ultima IV than fucking poorly. Our sex actually did get better over time (and by "our," I obviously mean "my") but that was only because I'd come in her almost immediately and then, through pure will force rivaling that of Hal Jordan himself, I would just get hard again while trying not to let my flaccid member slip out of her. Luckily she could orgasm through penetration only because just imagine how bad I was at oral sex too! Um, that wasn't really a true story! I just have a great imagination! But then, you knew that because of all the times I mentioned being a virgin. Which was totally a lie too! I've been laid lots! And I was always great at it. Black Condor's grandfather can't get over his grandson not wanting to be a part of his old man secret society so he's sending an army of "shock troopers" out to capture him.

Has nobody told him about airplanes?

I can't stop staring at the look of pure joy on the woman's face in the panel where Black Condor is rescuing the campers. I'm actually fucking jealous of a fictional character in a drawing because how the fuck does she get to be so fucking happy?! Nearly the entire first half of this issue is dedicated to the origin of The Sky Pirate. My guess that he's an incel wasn't too far off the mark. He was a nerdy college kid working in hypersonic flight who desperately wanted to be part of the free love movement. He was eventually let in on the condition that he do all the work and earn them all the money, like how Brian was only allowed to be part of The Breakfast Club if he wrote everybody else's essays while they all hooked up. In the end, he made them all rich while he was a fugitive from the government. They did the thing all of the fucking asshole Boomers did: they gave up their ideals and convictions for wealth beyond measure at the expense of everybody else. So, twenty years later, he's returned to destroy them.

So this guy's a hero! Why is Black Condor trying to stop him on the cover?!

Black Condor is a good guy so I bet he winds up teaming up with Sky Pirate after the initial Marvel misunderstanding. I'm almost positive he does because I purchased the third issue and there's no way I would have kept reading this series if my president The Sky Pirate was beaten and tossed in jail. Even as a randy twenty-one year old spending nearly every night of the week pretending I was a grey elf named Paladine Greystoke, I was completely sympathetic to the underdogs of our fucked up capitalist society. Sky Pirate plans on stealing as much money from The Merry Men (what the asshole Boomers called themselves because they're so unimaginative they had to steal Kesey's groups' name) as he can. But to do so, he needs to use his hypersonic weapons. Black Condor's new senses are so powerful that every time Sky Pirate uses one of his gadgets, Black Condor is overwhelmed by pain. That must be why he needs to beat the shit out of Sky Pirate. It's less about justice and more about getting him to shut the fuck up. I get it! I once had a neighbor who hung up industrial sized wind chimes outside my bedroom window. And every time I snuck over to take them down, the assholes would just put them back up. They're lucky I didn't go Black Condor all over their asses and swoop in with a flurry of uppercuts! Instead I just cut out off the clapper and made the chimes impotent. Black Condor shows up and asks Sky Pirate what he's doing. Sky Pirate is all, "Fuck you. I don't have to answer to you, you nipple exposing weirdo!" And then he flies off. But Black Condor won't let it drop, albeit reluctantly! He flies after him because he's a nosy jerk. Can't he just let it drop? The noise only happened the one time. I get how terrible noises can be; I'm pretty sensitive to a lot of sounds myself (fuck every guy with an acoustic guitar, by the way). But maybe wait to see if it happens again before really confronting this guy. Also, I'm sure he has a reason for blowing a hole in a building! He told Black Condor it was personal business and it's not like Black Condor has been deputized by anybody except maybe Park Ranger Ned. I'm totally on Sky Pirate's side right now! Judging by the cover of Issue #3, Sky Pirate is going to blast Black Condor with more hypersonics and Black Condor is going to plunge into the river in a scary cliffhanger where the reader thinks Black Condor may have drowned.

Okay, I'm torn. I like Sky Pirates revenge on capitalistic Boomer shitheads. But I also empathize with Black Conder's sensitivity to noise!

Since this issue is definitely going to end how I predicted since, as I said, I'm looking at the cover of Issue #3 right now where Black Condor is emerging from the river, I bet Issue #3 sees Sky Pirate and Black Condor quickly finding common ground and working together to defeat the Merry Men. Also, I hope Sky Pirate becomes an occasional Black Condor teammate. Maybe he'll take up residence with Ned and Eileen in the Pine Barrens! And then the issue ends with Black Condor plummeting into the river. But it also ends with possibly my favorite "Next Issue Blurb" of all time!

No wonder I bought issue #3! I had to see if the sun imploded! Spoiler alert: it didn't.

Black Condor #2 Rating: A-! Holy shit! A comic book with a better than average passing grade! I must really be feeling charitable seeing as how it's my 48th birthday. Yes, that's right, assholes. I'm fucking old! But I'm still cool, right? And totally sexually active, like a mythic beast! Oh, before I go, here's the back cover because, yeesh. Put on some make-up, dudes.

I loved my Grandmother with all my heart. She was possibly the most perfect human being to ever walk this planet. She was Catholic but I'm fairly certain she practiced birth control based on the differences in age of her two (only two!) children. Her wedding picture was of her in a beautiful non-wedding dress and my grandfather in a suit standing on some spiral steps at the courthouse (not a church! She also had a church wedding photograph but mostly due to the pressure of social politics and religion (I like to believe, anyway!)). She distanced herself from the Catholic church because of the way church members treated and talked terribly about Jewish people. She was the greatest. But the only time she ever disappointed me was when Gene Simmons was on Donahue and she said, "My, that's a handsome man!"