#maybe checking myself into a psych ward is a good idea

[exospherethoughts]

I don’t get it, I don’t get what I’m doing wrong.

I’ve spent *years* in therapy, I have tried so many different medications, I have spent so so so much time actively working on myself, I have forced myself to socialize more, I have forced myself to eat despite every bone in my body screaming at me that I am gross and fat and need to starve myself, I have tried every therapy trick in every book, I have reached out to ask for help from so so so many different sources, I have forced myself to even get on a waitlist at a clinic that specializes in OCD treatment, I have tried so hard to ignore people who say disparaging things to me or about illnesses I have, I have tried to improve my behaviour over the years, I try so hard to be kind and loyal and to avoid imposing too much on people, I have tried so fucking hard to get better.

Yet here I am, a decade later, and I am in the exact same fucking place all over again. Cold bathroom floor, I technically have friends but I feel so fucking alone, wondering if a psych ward is where I should be (but ultimately knowing it’s not an option because People Would Know and I have too many responsibilities), crying so hard I can’t breathe properly, mind running through a hundred different thoughts all at once at breakneck speeds and they’re all poisonous thorn studded vines suffocating me, knowing the only way I can make it stop is to carve open my skin (but I can’t do that because if I start then I won’t stop until I run out of room and I cannot risk my parents finding out), knowing there’s no way to put into words or communicate what’s running through my head or why it’s hurting me so so so much (there’s too many things, too many indescribable things, either too wildly abstract or all too tangible). Only differences are that this time the floor is pretty clean, I don’t have to worry about anyone coming home and seeing me like this, and I now have an extra decade worth of memories/trauma/experiences piling on.

I did what I was supposed to do Saturday night, I talked to you because I’m supposed to talk to somebody when this happens. And the main sentiment I got from you was “I get it, but since I’m not in the same city as you I cannot be there for you. Try someone else”. And you have proceeded to not talk to me since then. Fuck the rules, it took every ounce of willpower I had to send that text and reach out to you (I really really just wanted to be alone because dear god I hate myself and I’m so tired of feeling like I hurt everyone who gets remotely close to me), I have no willpower left. I’m done trying to convince myself I’m not a burden to everyone and forcing myself to be open with select friends, I’m done trying to let people in. It’s exhausting and I was so bloody proud of myself for doing the one thing I never do (asking for help when I’m having a properly full blown crisis) and you reminded me precisely why it’s not something I do.

But it’s okay, I get it. You have your own life and you are spending your time exploring and experiencing new things and people and places, you never really intended to keep me as more than just a friendly face you’ll wave hi to when you’re eventually back in this city, you don’t want to deal with the royal mess that I am, and that is okay and valid. I don’t want to drag you down with me, I love you too much for that. I’ll let you know when a day has a really good crossword.

[blubushie]

Good evening (or time of day/night), Monsieur Blu,

I was going to suggest a dictation machine for the handwriting-sucks thing (very very relatable, might I add. Fuck writing by hand, I might actually have to look into dyspraxia now. Never thought to look into it despite my autism), but promptly remembered just who I'm suggesting this to. So dictation machine is a bust, but your typewriting idea could definitely work.

I document bits of my life as well. Not that I live a particularly important life, which I am fine with. But between the loose screws and memory problems because of adhd and autism, typing things out has helped me keep track of myself so much better.

It's a form of self care for me, in a way. I get to write things out, in full detail, completely honestly. I write things the way they are, instead of how I'd recount the events to say, a therapist. Or my mother. No matter who I'm talking to, they never get the full picture. I'd say my mother gets the most detail out of everyone I talk to, but there are some things I don't share with even her. That I don't share with anyone, that I've never even said out loud. And that's ok.

But sometimes I forget the whole picture myself, because I'm always rehearsing (autism thing) which stories I'm going to tell to who, and I lose track of the details I choose to leave out for everyone. So I can truly fully process things once I've got it down.

I typically have to be in the correct mindset to write, as to me, it is still an art form, and that takes up a lot of energy, of which I do not have much. I don't write things every day, I'd probably burn myself out if I did. Every once in a while, I'll take a long ass bath and write until I become a shriveled prune. Maybe have a drink and dim the lights. It's great. It's peak vulnerability, to me. I am naked, comfortable in a warm bath, nobody will ever disturb me, because who the hell would walk in on someone taking a bath. It's rare to truly be able to be alone with my thoughts, constantly living with others, in a town.

I cherish self reflection. Understanding myself and how I view the world is my most reliable way of navigating my surroundings and, well, myself. I am easily overwhelmed. Simply existing is difficult for me. I like knowing what's rockin around in my noggin. It helps.

I am also into the whole wishy washy pretentious philosophical stuff, and it's always nice to indulge in some pondering. Even if it's abstract and not something I'd ever experience face to face, it's a great tool of self expression.

I do keep a lot of my ramblings in a secure place, for I am... pretty sure I could get incarcerated or sent back to psych ward if some of it ever got in the hands of other people. So yeah, definitely keep these things somewhere where people wont just stumble into it.

All of this to say: If you ever find the time to get that typewriter and to get ink and paper and perhaps a dossier for the papers, I'd say, go for it. It's worth trying out, and you might come to like it. And even if you don't particularly feel overjoyed and ecstatic to write down how you've had to extract handfulls of burrs from Misty's coat, it's still something to do. And maybe in the future, you'll read back on some of the things you've written, and you'll enjoy it. Feel pride in your way of living.

But between the loose screws and memory problems because of adhd and autism, typing things out has helped me keep track of myself so much better.

This. I must have five or ten post-it notes in Matilda at all times. I leave them everywhere. "Buy salt" hanging above the sink, "dunny roll" on the bathroom sink, "Check doovalacky" on the dash. I have no idea what doovalacky I was supposed to check.

I do keep a lot of my ramblings in a secure place, for I am... pretty sure I could get incarcerated or sent back to psych ward if some of it ever got in the hands of other people.

Fucking mood.

And even if you don't particularly feel overjoyed and ecstatic to write down how you've had to extract handfulls of burrs from Misty's coat, it's still something to do.

They're usually bindis (which are 50x worse) but it's definitely something to do, and my worst enemy is boredom.

[pippisevilthrallsummoningblog]

My Chart Rundown (Take 1):

Well, it is fun, huh?

Sun: Gemini

Mercury: Gemini

A solar Gemini and a communicative one in spirit. Put this next to Mercury, the planet thought in the same sign and I always have something on my mind and something to say. It gets exhausting and has led to bullying hence why me and people or conflict = Invoke Mars and the Outer Planets (thanks Sabaoth!)

Also, I am a chimera, meaning I pretty much am two people. At 6 months, they found my left arm was not working right and a mass of tissue was locking it in place. They removed it and probably tested it for cancer to find completely different DNA. Ironically, the veins in the line form Fehu and Algiz, Gift and Life. My right hand has Tyr and Annuz, warrior and God. This is why I pay attention to synchronicities and my intuition. I guess they used my twin to help repair what would have killed me being born two months early with underdeveloped lungs. I'd be dead or completely developmentally stunted. Should have been a Leo born Aug 18 instead of June 19th in 1997. 818, 619. Oof!

To the doctor that induced me due to your negligence, hope you're alright. My Dad was fucking huge and that elevator had to have hurt. Forgive you though maybe switch to being a Chiropractor!

Venus: Cancer

You can say Venus is your greatest desire and one that tempts. Put Cancer, a flowing water sign of affection and nurturing and you have someone who cries at weddings when their heart melts like molten butter. I also wish for someone to have and hold yet suck at relationships (it makes me want to punt Mercury into the Sun).

Moon: Sagittarius

I was born on June 19th, 1997 @ 11:22 p.m. I'm 38 minutes away from being Cancer, lol! The moon was full but put that in Sagittarius and you have a quick and fiery temper like that of an Aries on crack. The good Vera Cruz coral too. See the aforementioned and watch Mercury fly!

Mars: Libra

I hate fighting. This is why and ironically, I tend to be a mediator Ironically, I've been shown the other hand of this with mental intervention during severe bouts of depression. Nothing like riding in the ambulance while Metallica plays or spending every major holiday in a ward...and your birthday. I heard the angels singing to me when I woke up those beautiful babies. The "demons" probably cranked Fade to Black and held lighters! Sassy buggers!

Jupiter: Aquarius

The planet of expansion teams up with the sign of innovation and provocation of thought. The OG sign of WTF. If this lines up, that is how someone solves world hunger or some grand stuff if used right. If not, you get really out there and that is how you come out of a 4 a.m. crying spell covered in tears and snot after being "out there", you get self-conscious, and spiral. This has led to hospitalizations and me getting put in isolation there during a REALLY bad stay. If you are a psych nurse, please don't forget to put the Benadryl in with the Haldol and/or Ativan! I'm glad I wasn't allergic!

Saturn: Aries

Control my temper. That is clear as day. My mother was as fiery as an Aries could be provoked meaning to overcome Saturn's challenge, I have to keep myself in check. She's the model hence why Saturn is the balance in a set of scales. This is a great weapon indeed and from Sabaoth. This configuration is now dubbed the scales of Sabaoth (thanks Dad.). If you have this kind of set up, pay attention to your Mars!!! You have the mystery tool that can help you later!

Uranus: Aquarius

Put the oddest sign and planet together and not only do you get a straight up odd idea every now and then, but you realize it gives you a different way of looking at things.

I interpret these three planets as a set of scales, sure, and Kenny Rogers "The Gambler" comes to mind meaning knowing when to bark, when to bite, or when to turn tail in flight. Strangely enough one of my favorite charts I've seen has a similar pattern but that is DM stuff and extremely private.

Neptune: Capricorn

The planet of dreams and lately, reality has been slipping like a really bad one. I ground myself in that and in my subconscious meaning my dreams, my aspirations, and those on the other side. I've met angels, chased the devil out of my house, flew, everything in dreams. The power of the mind is locked away and Capricorn holds the key. "Stand firm in your beliefs lovely lady!" is what he says as he points to Pluto and Lilith.

My twelfth house has Capricorn and Uranus too. Subconsciously, you could say I'm like one of those funny goats!

Pluto: Virgo

Well Virgos are known for their vanity and thin skin. Me, I swear I'm Melchiahim bait (love Soul Reaver so much...) and even the tiniest comment can ruin my day and invoke the inner planets' (MOSTLY MERCURY'S) wrath. Anyone know how to NOT give a fuck? My ascendant mask of Aquarius is held on with school glue, paper clips, and a dark prayer to Nyx!

Chiron: Aries

A soul wound if you will and I have a hard time wanting to obey authority. Why? I've seen nothing but injustice. Combine my mother (Aries as FUQ) and me being the equivalent of a blazing tornado from Hell and you have an image of the demiurge playing his infernal pipe organ (dammit Uranus and Mercury go in the corner and NO URANUS YOU MAY NOT LICK THE WALL TO LEAVE!!!) Also see below for more insight

👇

Lilith: Virgo

Lilith. A lady of benevolence scorned. I have that in common with her and mostly from pompous, religion/power obsessed boys cosplaying as men! I have it in common with Sophia too. Mary Magdalene, Hecate, Morrigan, Freya, Parvati Ma, Eve herself, womankind...all subjugated and scorned wrongfully and slandered. Mama Lilith has protected me my whole life and allowed me this wisdom: to survive, turn the lights on. The dark moon is what will kill you and that to me is self-consciousness and shame. I must learn to be fresh out of fucks at all times. I also have a hell of a time with my femininity. I have 2 points with 8 masculine and an androgynous appearance. Hmmm....

DM me a chart and I can interpret. I'm not charging. I refuse. I wish to help. Please.

[worldheadcanons]

OKAY SO!! as u said mattie is a doctor and he has always been incredibly caring...based and hetapilled. he works at a psych ward where the y/n checks in (keep in mind i see them as being a cluster b, what can i say i myself am a bpd baddie) and obviously he's very involved in their treatment etc. possibly more than he should. anyways y/n eventually gets a little bit better, sorta, and gets discharged and matthew forgets about them...for a while that is. one day while looking for something in his office he stumbles across something y/n gave him, like a trinket or a drawing so he starts wondering what are they up to and are they doing better? so he decides to check and because they were his patient he has access to y/n's personal details. and that leads to him eventually stalking them. the y/n i have envisioned is scared but also...oddly into it? and it lasts for a while until silly silly matthew accidentally let's out details that lead y/n figure out who he is. or perhaps they endanger one way or another and he can't just not jump in and help them

LMAO “bpd baddie” caught me off guard. that’s so far though. this is actually rlly rlly good.. i want u here in the studio with me omg like ur mind ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

y/n getting discharged & maybe buying or renting a small home somewhere so they can live their life. also yeah i can see y/n being into it. iirc the only ESTABLISHED freak for freak relationship here is between francis & his reader but technically bc im so into it the reader is inherently into it.. if that makes sense? writer projection type of situation? but anyhow, this is so totally awesome!!!

i will say, i got a request for stalker canada finding y/n passed out in their home & helping them.. the whole concept of canada being their doctor previously makes the request/prompt a lot more interesting to get into, lol. i’m not sure i cld pull of writing reader w any express mental conditions bc i try to keep reader open and vague for projection (i absolutely hate reading fanfic with very specific untagged readers bc i am black and also weird w gender & like. it becomes a mess) + i don’t have bpd! i have autism but i’m “high functioning” or whatever ppl call it. all that being said i do rlly like this idea & honestly wld love to use it or implement smth similar if that wld be okay with you.

[anotherghoul666]

May I request a reading too?

I‘m not sure if it‘s too medical so you‘re free to just not do it ofc, but I’d like to ask:

Will I be able to overstep my own shadow and work on myself?

(For a bit of context: I’ve been in the psych ward for almost 2 months now, and it hasn‘t gotten any better, mainly because I wasn‘t ready to work on myself and let go of those problems I now lived with for many many years. Also, I’ve never gotten a reading before so I hope such a question is okay/specific enough/works).

~owlish

My darling Owl! Your question was well formulated for me to work with, and no it's not too medical. What I will not read for is stuff like "do I have cancer" or "how will I die" or "*person is scrambling for ways to avoid going to the hospital through metaphysical means*" kind of shit. Yours is all good.

I will warn you though. It's a loaded question. And given your mental state right now, I want you to consider before you read on, what it will mean to you if the cards say no. I want to make sure you understand how my readings work. I do not predict the future. I have no pretention of absolute predictions, ever. What I do is place mirrors around yall, see your energy through them and reflect stuff back to you to give you a new perspective. My "predictions", the will I / won't I answers, are general tendencies. What may happen if you don't change anything right now. A potential path. That's all. You have all the power in your own two hands to make this path change if you don't like the answer my cards have given you. Use them to kickstart you into changing things. Refuse and fix things. My readings are motivators. Seeds of thought and reflections I plant in your mind. That's all. They are not absolutes, and I do not want them to be taken as such. Ok darling? I'm understood? If I am, you can read on. (and I type these intros before I pull so I have no idea if the cards will say yes or no at this time, but it needed to be said before I go ahead and share your energetic space for a bit.) Ok, now:

I have never had a deck tell me so directly I wasted my fucking time writing a disclaimer, OH MY GODS XD

Owl, my guy, you are gonna be so fine. I don't think your brain on this day has the chemical capability to understand how fine you're gonna be, so this may sounds pedantic to you, but you will be ok. You are absolutely going through a transition phase right now. Your mind, body and soul recognize it and are getting ready to change. Right now you're taking the time you need to prepare for this, to find balance. You're healing. You gotta remind yourself to stay calm, compose yourself and be patient. The change will be a slow one, but it will be transformative. Keep your emotions in check when you are capable of doing so. Educate yourself on the topics you want the change to head towards.

There will be at least one big fork in the road in your progress in terms of mental health, and the cards want to remind you that you don't need to chose one or the other. The choice will likely make you panic, but you don't need to give up one part to gain the other. You may integrate. You may switch things around in your life to allow for both paths to be chosen at once. This is all about integrating your shadow, integrating parts of yourself that are broken and lost, and accomodating them. This isn't about triumphing over your darkness or destroying it. It's about learning to love it and live with it safely and comfortably. Seek the middle ground. Use purpose and knowledge to create your own path that merges your two options. You have the inner strength needed to do this within. You need outside help and guidance to give you tools, methods, and maybe walk with you even, but the strength to stand, and the strength to integrate, you already have it inside. Your energy is strong. Your energy is that of a leader. A leader that right now needs to only focus on leading itself, but a leader all the same. A builder. A bridge maker. You will build bridges to allow yourself to heal without sacrificing parts of yourself all along this long road of yours.

Take time to nurture yourself along the path. Allow yourself to appreciate parts of the journey. It's difficult, grueling even, but it's not all bleak. Allow yourself to appreciate art if you can. Allow yourself to see beauty around, outside in the courtyard, or in a connection you build with someone else. Allow yourself to have fun and to feel pleasure in small things. A meal that's better than the others. A breakthrough you're proud of during an exercise or a meeting session. A board game you got to play with the staff or the other patients. Be compassionnate towards yourself, the good parts and the bad parts, the light and the shadow. All parts of yourself deserve compassion. Talk to yourself as if you were a kind and soft mother speaking to their kid if that image resonnates with you. Talk gently to your younger self, your inner child. Let it play. Let it be happy for those brief glimpses you'll get. You will will through this my dear. It will be difficult. It will take a lot of effort. But you will do it.

[jujulebee]

[private]

no no but u see theres ppl who like roleplay as vampires on the internet all the time thats like just what theyre doing. hiding in plain sight its so dumb and its working 4 the most part.

i guess i stopped goin cause hes the one who convinced me 2 go in the first place? and when i broke up i was like im fine actually i dont need 2 go 2 a therapist i can just party and then i never have to think long enough to start feeling bad

ur right i should. i should like just stay out of that business. why i gotta put my nose in that business? i can just pretend yeah? pretend aint nothin to look at. i try so hard 2 not be at fault for things pa, i dont wanna be involved i just wanna be a good person.

its certainly real unnervin to know. im so sorry for cursin ya with this knowledge. an yea i think id destroy a car 2 keep folks safe. im still strugglin w the idea of keepin myself safe but im. i wanna try. cause it means i can better keep others safe, yea? i just aint afraid of gettin hurt

i aint real public w my address, v need 2 kno basis sorta deal. but it aint in a real like, populated area. i feel safe here. mom does a hell of a job makin sure im warded even if shes worried bout how paranoid i am. specially since i keep changing the locks. i mean i aint recently. but. i think havin bothd b good yeah? vibration sensors and motion sensors?

i really really dont wanna b scared anymore. i hate feelin this way. i feel like some sorta cornered animal. ill see what i can do bout talkin to a shrink, maybe seein a psych. i know my bestie dolls has a list of psychs that shes cross checked 2 see if theyre like, vampo friendly. ill see abt like, diagnoses, maybe like, medication.

a moat sounds p reasonable but i feel like its too like, noticeable ya know? i aint want anyone lookin an gawkin. plus i aint sure id take good enough care of a gator i aint want it sufferin none

((a moat? that sounds reasonable. honey, please))

{Confidential}

That is...an entirely impractical bit of nonsense. Maybe fifty years ago, but how are you supposed to keep that secret now? And you're all on the internet. Publicly. I'd be dead because I threw a taxi at someone within a week. Anyway, maybe going to them isn't the worst idea? It depends really. Why did you stop going?

It's good you're in a familiar place. That is one of those things that both complicates and simplifies things, unfortunately. My best advice there is to do your best to try to stay out of that kind of business, but I know things just happen. It's important to remember though that just because things happen it doesn't mean it's your fault. Sometimes shit gets picked up by the wind and thrown into the fan.

I hate knowing there are people who can outrun cars. I hate having this knowledge. If they can outrun my car then I hope they can tank it because if they start that shit I'm just going to skip the escape and ram into them. Do that if push comes to shove. Sometimes the best escape is making sure they can't chase you before anything else.

That doesn't shock me. Eeeh, cameras can be sketchy. I think a good way to get around that is vibrational motion sensors. I have a few in my warehouse. Not every useful for busy places, but great for monitoring spots no one should be being in. Especially around doors, windows, really any entry. For busier places...hm, I'll have to think about it.

I think you just don't want to be scared anymore and that's the most normal thing of all. Not wanting to be scared. Not wanting to hurt anymore. I've seen your hair though, girlie. You'd not be normal even if you weren't so paranoid. You're exceptional, nothing wrong with that. That vampire shrink may be able to help you find out what kind of nut you are or you could do some research and see what matches what you experience best. Given the circumstances, you might not ever know for sure, but it'll at least give you a little guidance.

Build a moat. Put a gator in it. Who's going to stop you?

//Oh Honey noooo//

[dzpenumbra]

2/9/23

I'm just gonna say it. It is difficult to add a Turing test for making a Tumblr account? Is it complicated? Does it cost too much money or something? Or have these bots just gotten smart enough to bypass them? The bot accounts on this site are just like... absolutely insane. At least they have been the past few months, I have no idea how long this flood has been a thing, I've only been here since like... August, I think?

I'll be honest, it's not a good look. Like... I swear, if Tumblr had an answer for this? They'd be in really good shape. This is a really cool atmosphere, I wish I had given it a chance sooner. But the amount of bots creeping around reminds me of that scene in the last Matrix movie (the last "real" one, sorry Lana, I really do appreciate the concepts behind what you were trying to do, but even your sibling tapped out on it, and I have to side with them, unfortunately) - let me clarify, in Matrix Revolutions, when Neo is in the City and all those bug robots are swarming around him. Like that. Just... off-putting. Like, what the fuck are they up to? I mean... they're up to something...

Today, I woke up at a somewhat decent hour. I checked the clock and confirmed 8 hours of sleep, which was awesome. Still catching up on sleep, as always... I decided to watch the Subnautica: Below Zero playthrough I've been following in bed to start the day. Depression and grief thing. I watched the same streamer do a playthrough of Project Zomboid when my dog died, so... I don't know, it's weirdly comforting, in a grim kinda way. Like my dog and cat are together now. And it reminds me of how my cat would cuddle with me and grieve with me. I'm very enraptured with the Subnautica playthrough, I love the series. I just cut an episode short to write this.

I was watching that, and lazily trying to navigate Bumble... with very little luck... I swear, these dating apps are just... it's pure depression fuel. In the 4 years that I've been on Bumble and Hinge, I have had 2 successful matches. One was a very brief text exchange through the app over the course of one night which just... evaporated... like I've had more personal conversations with cashiers before... and the other was an alcoholic woman with an STD who just separated from her husband, and just got out of a psych ward for reasons she didn't fully disclose... though who am I to judge, I've been to mental health facilities as well, but my intakes were voluntary so... I feel like my lesson to learn there was to... get more info... or run... still not 100% sure. This woman, a week after my dog died, brought the skeletons of 3 goats over to my home, made me watch Bo Burnham's special about how he was in the same type of isolation as me during the pandemic, gave me one of the worst panic attacks of my life... which I miraculously recovered from within less than 5 minutes... and then... she got freaked out and left. Called me the next day to do the whole, "it's not you, it's me..." And I - to myself, of course - wholeheartedly agreed with her. She needs help, first from herself, then from others. So... let's just say I haven't had a lot of luck with dating apps... XD

My morning was disrupted by the neighbors above running what sounded like... I mean, I guess it was a vacuum? Or maybe a steam cleaner? But it sounded like an industrial autoclave or something. Like, it sounded big and fuckin loud. And it was like... 10:30 AM? I was a little upset at first reaction, but made hay pretty quick. I went downstairs and decided that the best thing I could do was something with headphones on. I decided to pop on the cans and start polishing a new stone. I haven't done that in a long time. I had been using the tumbler for most of my stones and I'm still waiting on the new polish. (OH but I did get my new yoga pants today so yay!) So I took one of the stones my mom mailed to me from her new driveway that she found that she liked a lot and I worked that thing for 2 fucking hours. I really enjoy hand-faceting stones, it's hard work but I find it very rewarding. I wish I had some sort of rig to hold the stone stable so I could be a bit more deliberate and consistent with my angles, but this was a very organic shape so I just sorta went with it, abandoned symmetry entirely and I think it still came out really nice. And the stone was much softer than I was expecting. I think it's veins of calcite running through slate or something? I don't know, I'm not a geologist, I just like making pretty things prettier.

I did yoga. It was really quick today, just like 10-15 minutes. But it had that pose where you go from downward dog and lift one leg? And you're supposed to have your down leg rooted at your heel... but I can't get myself into downward dog and plant my heels. So I kept fumbling around with it and bringing my hands closer in to compensate... and then I was supposed to like... curl my leg above me and stack my hips, while keeping both hands planted. And I just... I could do it on my left side kinda I guess, with my right foot planted, but once we switched I was just falling over. It's frustrating. But, to be fair to myself, my flexibility has massively improved overall. Like I went to stretch my hamstrings earlier and I could touch the floor, which... well, it's been a while.

I took a shower and started to get ready for meeting up with my brother, nephew and sister-in-law for dinner. We went to a really nice chinese restaurant in town - I mean like... really fancy. Like way above any budget I'd be earning in my lifetime. And my socially oblivious ass just doesn't even mention the bill, which is honestly probably a godsend for them that they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of insisting on paying for the expensive meal they suggested. Idk, my brother works in the stock market and my sister in law is a doctor, and I'm a fucking artist who doesn't sell anything so... I'm just gonna kinda assume it's pretty obvious I won't be paying for dinner... XD

I got there early and parked in a parking garage I haven't parked in in... probably 15 years? They don't do paper tickets anymore, it was super confusing, I had no idea what to do. I fumbled around with the app thing on my phone but I didn't want to take my credit card out in a parking garage to put my number into it, because... I mean, there was a homeless guy yelling across the street at the entrance so like... yeah. So I just said fuck it. I walked down this main street, it's like... one of those streets in a city that is specifically for walking only, you know? And it's just lined with shops and shit. When I used to live in this city, my apartment was a block from the top of this street, and my community college was halfway down the street, so I spent a ton of time there. I mean, I remember sitting on a big rock on the street playing guitar for people, busking and making enough to buy coffee. That's a fond memory. I was so much more confident back then.

Now... I was super overwhelmed. I was amazed, and intrigued by everything. The buildings felt very tall around me, I recognized nearly none of the shops. I found some cool new age shops and a skate shop and I was interested in checking them out, but I didn't have time. I had to get the reservation for my brother and them, they were running late. On my way to the restaurant, a homeless guy asked me if I had a few dollars to spare. And to make it clear how long it has been since I have encountered this... they used to ask "do you have any spare change". And now, with inflation and fucking stupid costs of living, he asked "do you have some spare cash", and even a few dollars isn't enough for these poor people. Imagine how insulted and angry that guy would be if I gave him a 50 cents. I... kept staring wide-eyed at the buildings as I walked by and pretended I didn't hear him. I felt really bad. I did have some spare cash, but... I remembered that in my... inattentiveness... I keep forgetting to take the cash out of my wallet. I don't have anywhere else to put it, frankly. And inside my wallet, I have the cash that the administrator of the retreat I went to to detox off meds gave me for an illustration commission. It was like $400. I'm not fucking kidding. And I don't know what to do with this cash because like... who the fuck breaks a $100 in 2023? And I never leave my damn house. And I don't want to like... leave it in some random doom drawer in my house, it'll just disappear. I don't know what to do with it, honest. So like... I just have it in my wallet. And I'm walking by this guy and going, "I know I have cash, but I also know if that fucker sees that I have over $400 and a pair of AirPods on me, he's taking all of it or I'm getting stabbed." And, to top it off, I'm fucking alone. So... yeah, I was super fucking anxious. And I think rightfully so. It went fine, obviously, but like... that shook me a bit.

I should really just get rid of that cash, I guess I can go to my bank? And see if I can deposit it somehow? It's not like I can feed it into an ATM or something. I'm so fucking dumb with this stuff, I swear, no one taught me any of this. It's super embarrassing. So yeah, maybe I'd be less panicky if I didn't have that cash on me.

Dinner was great. Great to see my nephew, a riot as always. Good catching up and chilling. We did this thing at the restaurant where the chef just picked what we were going to eat and they just brought a bunch of courses out for us. All vegetarian, because my brother has been vegetarian since... I'm gonna venture to say since Clinton was in office. Which was actually cool with me, because I don't like fish - never ate it my entire life, never got a taste for it so it's super overwhelming to my senses now - and I don't really like beef either. Just pork and chicken for me, usually just chicken, if I'm being honest. The food was a big adventure of new flavors, things I'd probably never order off a menu myself. So, it was a big wave of new experiences today.

I was super overwhelmed at the beginning of dinner, and super drowsy because the sun was going down. That's been happening a lot lately. But I bounced back after getting a pot of Jasmine tea in me.

I noticed, in reflection after the fact, that I talk very openly and frequently about my mental health. And I'm starting to think that might not be a good thing. I know it's habit, I mean... how could it not be? Like... since about... 2018? The vast majority of my social interactions have been revolving around mental health. And by vast majority, I mean like.. 80-90% of my conversations, no exaggeration. When that is your life, when every conversation is like a therapy session (or actually is a therapy session), you really are forced to get comfortable with sharing. Like... if you go to group therapy and never speak up, you're just cheating yourself. So, powering through those reflexes and getting comfortable with talking about my mental health has actually... tipped into the realm of maybe being awkward for people.

Like... I'm talking to my sister-in-law about how my PTSD makes it hard for me to open up to a doctor in only 15 minutes, like I start freezing and stumbling over my words on simple questions and shit, and how I can only imagine how hard it makes their job to try to get all the information and diagnose and set up treatment and everything in 15 fucking minutes! Something is just going horribly wrong there. But like... I'm just hoping I'm not making things awkward. I really don't even notice it anymore, like... the way I spoke to them, the way I speak to my therapist and the way I speak here are all like... basically identical. It's just... my thoughts. My pure thoughts. I still have some boundaries, I mean it's not like they need to know about my sexual habits or how my hemorrhoids are doing, especially at a dinner table... But I'm afraid it might be awkward for them to talk about mental health stuff. I don't know, it's hard to tell. Maybe I should ask at some point?

After dinner, I went home. It was pretty warm today, I was getting bummed as I drove back that all the snow was melting. I was getting a big craving to go skate. And then I saw this dude slip on ice as he was walking back from a night class, when I drove by a local college. And he didn't know I saw him, I pretended I didn't see so he didn't feel embarrassed, not that he should be, it's like the lowest friction substance in the fucking world... And that planted a seed, which sprouted once I got to the rotary park where I skate. I scouted it out as I drove by - there was still snow. I pulled into my "car park", as my South African accented Siri likes to call it, which makes me smile. And as I walked in, I put my foot in a pile of snow by the door to see what the conditions were like. The snow was something close to the condition of like... a Slurpee, or something. If you're not American and don't know what that is, I don't know how to help you, like... a slushie? Like that kind of snow/ice. Like sleet that is cold enough to take solid form. That kind of snow is... not ideal because it's right on the edge of going to slush and certain ground/stone/pavement can retain heat... and the friction and pressure from skating can just turn that snow right into a slow, wet, soggy mess. But if the temperature is low enough... you get all the packability of wet snow, and that slush effect doesn't happen, and it also doesn't instantly turn to ice like it does on colder nights... And that's pretty much the conditions I got to work with tonight. So I stretched and I went skating.

But my dumb ass didn't bring my water bottle.

I tried skating the 2-stair, but that whole warm stone turning packed snow into slush thing? That was happening right where I was supposed to pop. Right at the lip of the first stair. It was just crap. But there was snow all over. I skated flatground for a while. My ollie was doing really well today, very consistent, good pop too. I was getting more comfortable and accurate with pop shuvits. I couldn't land a 3 shuv to save my life, unfortunately, when it's slushier it feels tougher to get that extra rotation because the snow has more give to it. At least that's what my head tells me. But I got a moving kickflip, maybe 2? I don't remember. Then I went to that section where I had a long downhill section of sidewalk to build speed and a natural kicker where it goes flat and then inclines down again, and I skated that for a bit until a dude came over and just... sat like 25 feet away from where that ramp was... I got paranoid and stopped skating it for a bit. Then I saw a smoke cloud come from there. And I'm sure it was just weed smoke, and it was probably some college kid who just couldn't smoke in his apartment and wanted to smoke somewhere chill, so he chose the park at like 9PM alone. I get it, I just... I was really anxious from earlier, and in general, so I just stopped skating that spot. I went over to the 4-stair, landed it at least 3 times. Went back to flat and started trying to get varial flip. I've never had it... perfectly consistent. Like... I've landed a few and I got pretty good at them, but I was never really consistent. There was a point where I could pull out kickflip and heelflip (on the right surfaces, at least) pretty much every try. Less so with heelflip, but still. Varial flip was never at that level. But today, I landed like 3 on flat not moving. I clearly remember a moment where it just clicked and I was like "oh, that's what it feels like!" And it felt as easy as a shuvit and I just popped, flicked, floated and the board just lined up right under my feet. And I came damn close to landing it moving, but I just couldn't stick it. I had to tap out.

What I kinda want to get off my chest - which is a fun way of putting it, once you see what I'm gonna talk about - was something I was freaking out about while skating. When I went to the doctor's office, they told me I have high blood pressure. Like... that's not heart rate, right? Like... pressure is different. And they were going to check it again to see if it was just anxiety, but like... they didn't. So that lack of resolution has just been sticking with me. And I got really anxious about it today. Like, I was getting chest pains and tightness and shit. And I've been getting that a lot from anxiety, so like... if I was having actual heart and pulmonary issues, I probably wouldn't notice, honestly. So I would just get a lot of invasive thoughts about like... exercising too hard, pushing myself too hard and then just fucking passing out and collapsing in the park. Like... I'm old now, or something. And I like... I'm not that old. I keep hearing people around my age, mid-30's, and they keep acting like they're in their fucking 60's or something. It's fucking weird, sorry. Like, my body aches too, guys. My back feels like garbage, my neck and posture are fucked, my hips have decided to secede and are staging regular protests against the rest of my body. I'm tired all the time, when I get hurt it takes a lot more to get me back up, I get tired quicker, shit like that. But I'm not fucking old. The people who consider me old don't consider themselves young and they're like 18. So... I'll consider calling myself old when I get to my mid 50s or something, thanks. But on the pulmonary front, I want to make sure I'm not being too cavalier and overlooking potential health issues that are avoidable, because I do have a history of blood-related issues (clots) and I do not have the best diet. I actually have a pretty poor diet. So... yeah, just wanna make sure that didn't creep up on me, and today was especially bad anxiety-wise in that department.

But, on the plus side, some kids saw me skating from their apartment... and they actually saw me land my first varial flip of the year and fucking cheered! I was listening to music in my headphones so I was just oblivious to the outside world, and they cheered so loud that I could hear them! It made me so happy. I wanted to say something about like... if there are any gods that give a fuck about them, I hope they throw some good stuff their way, but man, it's been a hot minute since I've heard anyone talk about religion publicly and that... feels a bit scary, honestly. Feels like people are just gonna come after you if you're polytheistic in 2023, you know? Weird shit, when we're supposed to be all evolved and progressive and whatever but yeah. I guess... I hope good fortune finds those two young men, for bringing excitement and joy to the heart of this grieving, depressed 36 year old snowskater.

Since I didn't have water, I ate a bunch of snow when I was out, but that wasn't nearly enough and I just came back early. And that was basically my night. I finished the night by polishing another one of those stones and watching another "episode" and a half of the Subnautica VoDs. Now I'm here.

Another cool idea I had, which I shared with my brother because I know he's really into languages... I decided to search Twitch today for streamers who speak French. I took 3 years of French in college, and I surprisingly still understand a lot. I could never speak it, but I can read it okay, just really slow. So I found someone who was playing League of Legends, a game I am pretty familiar with (but haven't played in like... 5 years?) and just... had that going in the background. And I got the Google Translate app thing for Chrome so I can just select a word that I don't know in the chat and it will real-time translate for me. I could follow a surprising amount, considering I haven't studied French since like... 2004. Wow, almost 20 years. Crazy. I'm pretty sure if I keep that up and just periodically try to like... figure out where they are in conversation? I'm sure I'll start picking up more and more. And maybe eventually I'll be able to chime in some short sentences every now and again. Who knows. I thought it was cool, something new to spice things up and to contribute to intellectual/skill development.

I am fucking tired. I need to go to bed. Byeeee.

[mrs-hollandstan]

Could you plz write something about dad!harrison dealing with his toddler’s tantrums/terrible twos.

I changed this just a lil but it's still similar

There was nothing better than watching Haz be a dad. He was the best with your little girl. Even when she, herself, was a nightmare. Jane looked just like her daddy, and of course you'd joked about her having his attitude too, but it wasn't necessarily true. Like today. 

You had announced to Harrison that you were pregnant with his second child, and before you announced it to Jane, he wanted to be able to tell her if she was getting a little sister or a little brother. It turned out your new baby was a boy, much to Harrison's surprise considering the similarities in your first and second pregnancy. But regardless, he was excited to tell your baby girl. And the result was less than perfect. 

His announcement came from you, and was you telling her she was getting a baby brother from mommy's tummy soon, and almost the second you told her they were a boy, she'd burst in tears and she was sobbing and screaming, her face bright red. 

Harrison had grabbed her and cradled her in his arms, her head tucked into her shoulder. He pouts at you, 

"She's really upset." He murmurs. You smile, 

"She'll get over it." He scoffs, 

"She will, I won't." He tells you. You giggle, 

"I'm sure you won't." He sighs, sitting her on the couch, 

"Jane darling… you are going to have so much fun either your baby brother. You having a little sister won't change anything. You can be just as mean to a little boy." He reasons. She heaves as she continues to cry. You can tell by the look in Harrison's eyes that it's killing him. You move in, stroking her hair down, 

"Jane…" You wait until her eyes meet yours, "you like Mr. Shadow right?" You reference her stuffed bear from Harrison's mom. She nods, wiping her red rimmed eyes. You hum, 

"And you love having tea parties with him huh?" You pose. She nods again. You smile, 

"Well… the bigger the party, the more extravagant you have to get which means cake and ice cream at your tea parties." You tell her. Harrison looks between you, watching Jane light up at the mention of a few of her favorite things. You press a hand to your belly, 

"Your baby brother is gonna have his own friends like Mr. Shadow and I just know that's he's going to want to join yours and Mr. Shadow's tea parties and he'll help you get that cake and ice cream." You bribe. Harrison's heart lightens at the look in Jane's eyes, his hand reaching out to smooth her hair down. He leans in and kisses her cheek, 

"You're gonna be such a good big sister huh J?" He poses. She nods, glancing up at him, "to a baby brother huh?" He adds, testing the waters. She gives a sniffle, but she nods again, staring up at him, 

"Yeah." He smiles,

"That's my good girl. Think there's still some of Uncle Tom's red velvet cake left in the fridge, you wanna check?" He asks her. She nods, eyes lighting up again, throwing herself into his arms. He smiles, kissing her temple. You stand along with him, following him into the kitchen. After he fetches the leftover birthday cake Tom had insisted you take home for your little girl and a fork, he turns to you, 

"How bout…" He takes your hand, "We stop at two. If I have to pick up the pieces again after she has a breakdown over another baby brother, I'll have to commit myself to a psych ward." You giggle as he corners you against the counter. Reaching up to stroke his cheek, you lean in and kiss him, 

"You're the one insistent on a second baby. Wasn't my idea to get pregnant again." He smiles, leaning in to kiss you again, a little more soundly this time, humming, 

"I know but… maybe not a third." He murmurs. You nod,

"Keep it in your pants then Osterfield." You squeal as he smacks your bottom before he's fishing two more forks from the drawer, 

"Let's see how much baby boy likes cake before his big sister's tea parties." He murmurs, handing one to you and twirling one between his fingers. He watches you chew for a moment, wondering how he got so lucky with two of the most gorgeous girls on earth and a little boy on the way. 

[hargrove-mayfields]

Day one of the Horror on Cherry Lane Challenge! I’ll be participating this month as a writer! The prompt for today is Knife!

warnings for mentions of suicidal ideation and attempts, death, child abuse, and blood.

Billy met Steve in the psych ward.

Well, they met officially at Tina’s party, but that wasn’t the real Steve. That was the King Steve. Deeper than that though, even the Steve Harrington everyone else saw even after the breakup and the fall from grace still wasn’t the real thing.

That was fake smiles, overdone nonchalance to cover up the wound from his fallen status. Now he was stripped down to himself, all bloody bandages and tired eyes, the boy he was pretending to be finally broken down to reveal this.

Apparently, Ruthie Harrington found her son with his grandfather's switchblade- all the other objects in the house sharper than a spoon and with less sentimental value had already been tossed -bleeding all over her freshly polished linoleum floors. She dropped him off at the hospital a night ago and nobody’s been by to see him since.

Now, it’s by pure coincidence that Billy’s already in on the same day Steve’s admitted.

He’s been locked up the past three days compared to Steve’s one. These small town hicks are jumpier (ha) than he thought, and don’t think doing the walk and turn test on the edge of the quarry after downing a bottle and a half of fireball is as funny as he does. Whatever. Cid would’ve thought that was badass as hell.

So he was admitted, on suicide watch for a stupid joke that wasn’t really worth it, or even really a joke. Max came to visit once. She punched him in the chest as hard as she could and cursed him out for an hour. She’d never done that before. By the time she left they were both in tears, and maybe Billy realized a thing or too about his carelessness. Realized for the first time that someone cared.

But he’s still in here for another week and a half by law, so. He’s not going to mope about it. And while Steve Harrington showing up is about the last thing he’s expecting, he decides that’s at least something he can work with. Definitely brings a little life to the place.

He waits until Steve’s intense watch period is over to bug him, once they’re out of their cramped little rooms for a couple of hours to “socialize” (see, the more sound of mind keep an eye on the other patients while the nurses take their smoke breaks) Billy goes straight to Steve. Him and Harrington are far from friends, but that’s pretty much irrelevant when the only other choices for company are kids younger than them too scared to approach them and people too deep in their midlife crises to bother with teenage drama.

Throwing himself down in the blue plastic chair across from where Steve settled in, Billy kicks his feet up on the table,, “What’s up Harrington? Didn’t expect to see a familiar face in here.”

But Steve, poor Steve, takes one look at Billy with those haunted brown eyes, and his face just falls completely apart. There are tears on his way too pale cheeks before Billy even has a chance to breathe.

The smile drops off of Billy’s face, “Jesus Harrington, I know m’not looking my best surviving on hospital food and cigarettes without a hairbrush, but that’s a little unwarranted.”

“Shut up. Not everything’s about you, Hargrove.”

“Oh I disagree with that. But I get the point. I’ll let ya be.” Billy hums, scooting his chair back and getting up. He stops when Steve starts to speak, “Y-You outta be careful saying that kinda stuff in here.”

“What?”

“That the world revolves around you. They’ll come up with a diagnosis for that and keep you here forever. Drug you ‘til you forget your own name, let alone your status.” Steve tells him with humor, wiping the tears off his face.

Billy nods in understanding, sits back down with an interested smirk, “This ain’t your first time here, is it?”

“Is it yours?”

“Nah. I’ve done some shit on purpose, some on accident. Once it wasn’t even me. But s’never done anything to help so far.”

Steve puffs out a sigh, “Don’t I know it.. I’ve been in and outta this place since I was like, ten. Clearly nothing’s changed.”

“Why? What’s your dirty little secret, Harrington?”

“I cut myself, dumbass.” He deadpans, looking at Billy with a bluntness in his expression that reads more concerning, more like indifference to what he just said than matter-of-fact.

“No shit. But that ain’t the secret.” Billy probes further, can tell he’s getting under that mask Steve wears, “Why do you do it?”

“Legally, I can't tell you. And I don’t think I would anyways.”

“What about if I tell you all about me first? I got no reservations ‘cept the one that got me a bed here.”

“It’s not a hotel, Hargrove.”

“Eh, might as well be. Feels like the damn hotel California.”

“Is that why?”

“Huh? Oh no, I been pullin’ stunts like this long before we left Cali.”

“Like what?”

“Like downing two full bottles of my mother’s meds after she left. Not at the same time obviously, or I wouldn’t be here. Mostly ‘cause my dad didn’t even wanna take me to the hospital either time.” Billy doesn’t look at Steve while he elaborates. Not because he cares, he’s an open book, if a random old woman at the grocery store asked about his last attempt, he’d tell her.

But. He doesn’t like watching people’s faces. Seeing sympathy and concern there. It makes him feel all stupid and guilty. It’s usually not like that with other kids like him, but Steve’s different. He’s got a big heart. Even if there’s no room for himself.

And Billy hurt Steve before. He doesn’t want to see someone he caused pain caring so much about him. He already cracked when Max came to see him. This could be what splits him open, spills out all the things he’s covered up.

So he keeps going, “And like runnin’ out in front of traffic with my friends. They thought we were just playin’ chicken ‘til I stopped dead in front of a station wagon. Metal rims’d done me in for sure if one ‘a the older boys hadn’t pulled me outta the way. Damn near ripped my shirt in half how fast he grabbed me.”

“I’m guessing your parents are the reason why then?”

“Yessir.” Billy deflects, not good at getting deeper into it, “You wanna tell me yours then?”

“I started cutting because Tommy Hagan told me about it. He thought it was freaky, but when he ran his mouth about how they found the neighbor kid in his room, drained of all his blood from his wrists, I wanted to try it. I’ve tried liquor and drugs and all kinds ‘a shit I shouldn’t, but nothin’ stuck like cutting.” Steve pauses for a long time, his eyes going blank, staring right past Billy, “When my mom found out she.. she.. Forget it.”

“Hey, you seen my skeletons. Can’t I see yours?”

“No. I don’t wanna fucking talk about it anymore.” Steve answers, despite his assuredness, his tone wobbling with some unidentifiable emotion.

Talk about mood swings. Billy doesn’t get how nobody would’ve noticed something was up before Steve started carving into himself. Really, he knows someone would have seen it and just ignored it.

It only gets worse though, the reservedness turning to sadness and frustration. None of the words are coming out, but he can tell Steve’s thinking of the stories, reliving all that got him to the here and now. Billy can also tell there’s nothing he can do no to stop him from doomsdaying.

So when Steve is inevitably in the thralls of a panic attack, he tries to hug him tight, to try to get it to stop maybe, that always worked for him at least, but Steve swats him away. Judging from the way he winces, it’s not easy for him to do either, with those thick ass bandages constricting his wrists, but the tears and the pain on his face are buried behind his resolution.

He’s hiding something from Billy.

In hindsight, talking to a new patient about past attempts probably wasn’t his brightest idea anyways, so he switches the subject while Steve works on coming down from his panic attack. He brings up Max and her little nerds, trying to bridge the healthier connections between him and Steve that they’d both been ignoring since the fight. He mentions basketball too, another something they have in common other than trying to kill themselves.

It doesn’t really work, though Steve does stop shaking as bad, just curling up in his little chair and sniffling, pretending not to listen while Billy rambles on and on. But he doesn’t talk. It’s probably better for him not to anyway. Billy himself has been known to say some dumb shit when he’s in distress.

Ultimately, even once the conversation runs out, he stays with Steve until dark. He can tell from the way his gaze sticks to the floor that Steve recovered from his fit a while ago, but he’s embarrassed by having a breakdown in front of him, as if he isn’t in here for the same reason. It helps that he gets it though, and they sit in a comfortable, albeit very prolonged, silence.

Long after Steve gets xanned up and knocked out though, while Billy is still free to wander until the midnight curfew as a low risk patient, he decides to stick with him in his room. Billy’ll never admit it, but he gets nightmares, and he doesn’t want to face that just yet, so with a new friend as an excuse, he’s up half the night watching Steve sleep.

He remembers what happened earlier, how focused Steve was on keeping him away from him, despite his panic, and decides, with a glance at how deeply Steve is sleeping, his greasy hair all strewn about on stiff pillows, that he’s going to figure out what it was.

He snoops around in his bedside drawers, in the bathroom, in the locker in the corner. It’s there he notices the knitted jacket Steve was wearing before, hanging heavy to one side, like there’s something in its pocket. He touches it and feels the outline of something small, so he pulls it out.

He regrets checking though, because it’s a knife. Judging from the old looking engravings on its handle, and the coppery stains within the grooves, it’s specifically the very same one that got Steve hospitalized.

He shoves it in his own back pocket and keeps looking, with a quick glance at Steve, finding a note tucked where the knife had been. Written in perfect scrawl on bond paper that’s been folded a dozen times and stained with tears,

“Do it right next time, why don’t you? Your mother is too soft on you. I’m not paying for this again.

- J.Harrington.”

Billy doesn’t know what to do but throw the note in the trash. Not really in shock, but definitely more than a little fucked up from reading that, he sits on the end of Steve’s bed. His own dad, who'd more than once been the one putting him in the hospital, had never even said anything like that to him.

He didn’t get to talk to Steve much today, but they’ve got as long as Billy’s stuck in here together to fix that. Longer if he just pulls something in front of a nurse. And he wants to, really really wants to.

Because he knows he just met the real Steve, can recognize another broken boy when he sees one, and he knows too, that he never wants to meet a pretty boy like this again.

And if that’s his declaration to get clean, then so fucking be it.

But. He never promised not to hurt anyone. Ultimately he’d still need that outlet.

He keeps the knife. To make sure his pretty boy doesn’t get hurt again.

[nosferatvpussy]

distorted lullabies [chapter XV]

Word count: 5,674

Warnings: vulgar language

Pairing: Dracula x female reader

Not the gif I wanted but I was too lazy to search for longer.

AO3 link

_______________

My ears rang with the grating sound of Judge Llewellyn’s voice projecting inside the courtroom. I glanced at my wristwatch. The session should have been over at 4.30pm but it was now past 5. Through the window closest to me, I could see that the sky had lost its orange clouds amidst light blue in favour of pinks and deep blues. Dracula would start calling me incessantly at any moment now, like he’d done yesterday.

Surreptitiously, I slid a hand on my trousers’ front pocket and grabbed my phone. I eased back on my seat to glimpse the screen from under the table. Jane Grisham’s client – my newest client as of yesterday, actually – huffed at my side but I ignored him; my problem was life or death, his was the possibility of ten years in prison which he well deserved. 

No messages from Count Dracula so far, except the ones from last night. I scrolled up the texts. Odd. I dared bring the phone closer to check if my phone was on airplane mode to justify this but I could see three bars at the top indicating that I had signal.

“Are we boring you, Miss L/N?”

I scrambled into a proper posture as I clicked the phone off and hurriedly put it back in my pocket. My eyes met Judge Llewellyn’s up in his pulpit and I forced an innocent smile at his chiding stare.

“Apologies, my lord. Please proceed.”

The prosecutor, a scrawny old man, raised a contemptuous eyebrow at me before he continued scribbling on a notebook. Llewellyn was nearing the end of the session, going over court dates and times, which was indeed boring, and I knew he would email the details later to make sure nobody made any mistakes, so his speech wasn’t as important as he thought.

I rubbed the corners of my eyes as much as my make up would allow to try and clear the sensation that I had sand in my eyes from lack of sleep. I’d gotten only two hours of sleep – that is, if I combined all the moments I nodded off when shuffling through files, otherwise I wouldn’t say I’d slept at all. I had spent the night staring at the window until sunrise, listening to every minimal sound that could indicate that Count Dracula had found me hiding in Mallory’s guestroom. When Mallory finally woke up earlier that morning, I had already gotten ready for work, stuffed all my things back in my suitcase, made us breakfast and sat down with a cup of untouched tea to mull over what I was going to say to Dracula. By the time Mallory and I left for work, I was confident with my little speech but as the day stretched on and exhaustion settled over me, I doubted that I was capable of many coherent thoughts. Facing Count Dracula when my head was a jumble and I could scarcely keep my eyes open wasn’t ideal but I had no other choice. My ten days were beyond over.

Llewellyn briefly interrupted himself as the courtroom’s door opened with a creak. He regarded whoever had entered the courtroom before resuming. Clicking heels approaching me made me turn my head just in time to see Mallory taking a seat behind me with the audience, a stern look on her face.

Without turning away from the court, I leaned back to give her my ear.

“St Thomas Hospital called me just now, they’re letting Renfield out,” she whispered. My foot bumped into the table as if I had just been shocked by high voltage. My mouth opened and closed. None of what Mallory had just said made sense. She placed a hand on my shoulder. “Dracula vouched for him to leave, he’s one of Renfield’s emergency contacts, apparently. The nurse told me that Dracula called them to say that you will be picking up Renfield after release hours tonight because you’re caught up in court duty. Renfield gave the nurse my number so I could notify you. Y/N, how did Dracula know you’d be in court until late? Is he stalking you?”

My head started spinning from the moment Mallory said Dracula had vouched for Renfied, and I failed to process the rest of what she’d said. 

Was he taunting me because the ten days were up? Was it a threat to Renfield’s life? A threat that he could hurt the people around me because I didn’t abide to his deadline? 

“We’re adjourned,” Llewellyn declared, and I shot up from my seat at once, gathering my things as quickly as I could before striding out of the courtroom with Mallory at my side; my client forgotten.

“Y/N, is he stalking you?” she asked again when we were at the Royal Courts of Justice’s halls.

“I don’t know! Maybe. I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“You can’t keep seeing him if he is.”

“I don’t really have a choice in that matter, Mal,” I scoffed. She grabbed my elbow to make me look at her. Noting her scowl, I continued, “He’s a client, I can’t deny seeing him if he requests.” It wasn’t a lie but wasn’t the proper explanation either.

“Don’t play stupid with me, you know what I meant. Y/N, if he’s dangerous–”

“He is. He is very dangerous but I can deal with him,” I said, forcing my voice to sound strong to make me believe it, too. I untangled myself from Mallory. “I’ve got to go pick up Renfield. Talk to you later, Mal.”

  ______________________________________________________

“Miss? We’re here,” said the cabbie.

By his tone I knew he had said it at least once before and I hadn’t heard him. 

Renfield should be waiting for me inside St Thomas Hospital with his bags packed and a harmless, sane look in his eyes, at least I hoped. Count Dracula could be waiting in there, too, waiting for me to walk right into his arms. If I was smarter and less tired, I would give the cabbie Mallory’s address, but I couldn’t run forever. 

I rubbed my forehead. Exhaustion made it harder to evaluate all the possible consequences if I walked out of the car and into the hospital. 

“Can you wait for me here?” I finally said to the cabbie. “I’m picking up someone and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“No problem,” he said, glancing at the taximeter with a small smile in his mouth.

I considered my suitcase in the backseat and left, unconcerned. There wasn’t anything valuable in there to a cabbie, unless he had a secret propensity for crossdressing. 

My legs guided me through the hospital as if I was on autopilot while I cast furtive glances at every corner. More than once my heart sank when I saw a tall silhouette at the end of a hallway until I realised it was too short or too skinny to be Count Dracula.

Breathing was a hard task when I neared the psych ward but it was too late to turn back. People passed me, watery eyes and runny noses as a little girl complained that her dad sounded funny and asked her mother why dad drooled all the time and wouldn’t blink. The mother looked at me and I focused ahead of me, pretending I hadn’t heard any of that. 

Nurse Margaret greeted me with a warm smile when I stopped at the nurse’s station inside the psych ward.

“Wondered if you’d really come. Your fiancée said you were quite busy.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“My what?”

“Your fiancée,” she repeated, enunciating the word clearly like I’d missed it the first time. “He called earlier and said that Mr. Renfield will be getting his treatments from home now and that you’d come tonight to sign his release forms.”

“He’s not my fiancée.”

“Oh. I must’ve heard him wrong, then, but I’m sure he said the word bride…” her gaze was lost in thought for a moment.

“Where do I sign?” I asked with more than a touch of impatience. 

Margaret frowned lightly at my rudeness but retrieved a thin stack of papers from below her desk. Using a pen, she pointed at several paragraphs while she repeated without reading, almost word for word, what was written. Because Renfield had been committed on account of violent behaviour he would have to attend psychotherapy sessions inside St Thomas Hospital and see a psychiatrist every fifteen days – Nurse Margaret informed me that the normal procedure was usually every week but Renfield’s doctor had seen fantastic improvement and decided that fifteen days was more adequate in his case until he was deemed mentally healthy. She showed me where to sign and reminded me at each turn of a page that Renfield would be under my responsibility since I was permitting his release. When I was done signing everything, Margaret left to get Renfield.

Minutes rolled by and I paced around the waiting room like I was a caged beast, peering around corners, breath hitching in my chest whenever I heard a man’s voice. Clicking high heels drew me out to the hallway and I exhaled in relief upon seeing Renfield striding next to Nurse Margaret and a male nurse carrying a box. He was dressed in the very same clothes he had been wearing the morning he attacked me but they were clean and looked a little bigger on his frame than they did before. His glasses slid down his nose as he walked. They were too big for his face but he never wore another pair, even when I gave him new ones on his birthday. I smiled as he pushed them back over the bridge of his nose. Stubborn man. He smiled back.

“Happy to leave?” I asked him. 

“You’ve got no idea,” he replied, and surprised me by planting a kiss to my forehead. I froze for a second. He was usually awkward about physical contact with almost anyone. Therapy must have driven another man to crawl out of him. “You didn’t come visit me last week. How was the wedding?”

“Not great,” I said, staring into his eyes. They didn’t change, so I assumed he didn’t know what had happened. He could also be wearing his courtroom face which was just as good as mine, better even. 

At that, Margaret said her goodbyes with a warm smile and told us that Roger, the slender nurse carrying a cardboard box, would accompany us down with Renfield’s books. I noticed Renfield analysing me as I fidgeted inside my shoes and forced myself to stop. Roger tried to make small talk on the way out but I couldn’t give him more than a few words.

The taxi was parked in the same exact spot as before. The cabbie nodded at me, blowing out smoke before throwing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it. My feet hurt as I hurried towards him and my worry subsided a little. I’d made it. Renfield was out and I hadn’t seen Count Dracula. It wasn’t a trap but I still didn’t understand his true intention by doing so. 

The cabbie opened the door for me and I entered the car, relaxing in my seat to feel the coolness of the window against my forehead. Roger placed the box next to me so when Renfield took a seat, it laid between us.

“Why am I out?” Renfield asked in the short pause it took for the cabbie to close our door and round the car towards the driver’s seat.

I stared at him.

“If you don’t know, what makes you think I would?”

“You’re his brid–” Renfield cut the word short when the cabbie threw himself behind the wheel. He leaned forward and gave the cabbie his address. When he spoke to me again, his voice was low over the sound of the car’s engine. “From my experience, the Count isn’t particularly kind and I know he would never do this for me, especially after my little outburst. There must be a reason for this benevolence.”

“At the wedding he said that you could have some of his things shipped from Romania to London. Maybe he has need of them now.”

Renfield gave me a lopsided smile. It was usually the smile he reserved for cross examining witnesses. A venomous snake just before it struck.

“The wedding. Something happened there, didn’t it?” He inquired. I chose to look out of the window instead of facing him. “You won’t look at me, which means I’m right. Please tell me you were smart enough to listen to what I told you.”

Surrender with arms wide open or he’ll hurt you and those around you. Listen to me. He will. 

I surrendered but not fast enough. Not fast enough to take back everything I had done.

“I really should have listened to you,” I confessed. “He did exactly what you said he would.”

“Even though he’s lived a long time, patience isn’t one of his virtues, Y/N.”

“It wasn’t lack of patience,” I muttered. “Actually, he’s been nothing if not patient with me. I went behind his back and it blew up in my face, and you don’t need to chastise me about it. I’ve got enough guilt as it is.”

“What did he do?”

A weird question from him. Finally, I met his eyes again and was surprised to find that I knew the man behind them. 

“Mallory,” I said as a means of explanation. There wasn’t much we could say with the cabbie listening. “She’s okay, though.”

“So are you,” Renfield said as he extended a hand and brushed my hair away from my neck. 

“For now. I owe him an explanation, which I was supposed to give it to him yesterday but work happened. I’m not sure how he’ll–” I regarded Renfield for the second time that night. “You’re worried about me?”

“Of course I am.” He frowned, seemingly offended that I had to ask. “I wear glasses but I’m not completely blind. You haven’t been sleeping,” he said as he tapped under his eye. Covering my dark circles with a decent amount of concealer obviously didn’t disguise it enough. “And you were fidgeting inside the hospital because you were afraid of encountering Count Dracula. Cowardice is a horrible look on you, Y/N.”

“You haven’t asked me what I did to Dracula.”

“It mustn’t have been good to drive him towards Mallory. And why should it matter what you did to him? It’s no excuse.”

“Oh, my god,” I murmured, staring at him in shock as I pieced it together. The kiss to the forehead, his concern, the completely sane look to his eyes... 

“What? Did you think I’d defend him if he hurt you?”

“He released you,” I said. Renfield’s frown deepened as he looked from me to the hospital like I had just stated the obvious. “He released you from him,” I spoke quietly so the cabbie wouldn’t hear it but Renfield did. His face paled until it was stark white in the car’s low light. 

“No…”

“Would you ever speak of him this way if he hadn’t?”

He shook his head.

Letting Renfield out of the hospital wasn’t a threat or a ploy to get me. It was a gift.  However dim the possibility, my brain latched on to the idea that it wasn’t simply a gift, but an apology. Being merciful wasn’t at all like Dracula. It wouldn’t fix what he had done but it was something. If he had freed Renfield out of the goodness of his heart or if he had done it for ulterior motives, it didn’t really matter. I had begged for Renfield and offered myself up in exchange and Dracula had dismissed my attempts. Before, he had never cared how much that hurt me. And now this; an abrupt kindness to make up for his deeds. 

“He wouldn’t– no,” Renfield grumbled. “Why– he, he can’t… he can’t do this to me. I’ll be alone.”

“You’ll have me,” I retorted.

“No, you’re his. I know you are. It’s in your eyes, and you want it, too. You’ll be like him and who will I be, hm?” His voice was thin but carried the weight of restrained emotion. “Nobody, I’ll be nobody. In a few years the both of you won’t even remember me.”

To my horror, twin tears streamed down his face. 

Dracula had called him weak once, and suddenly I understood why he could see Renfield like that. Renfield himself had said that he didn't exist without Count Dracula but I’d deduced he had been made to believe that as a slave. His weeping told of an abandonment I couldn’t understand, and hoped never would. As much as I dreaded the idea, some people can only fathom existence if they have a leash around their neck to guide them. Sometimes the leash is religion or politics, and least often it is a centuries old vampire. It comforted Renfield, I supposed, this feeling of unquestionable certainty, and to have that teared away debased him. 

Revulsion wrapped its claws around my ankles until it creeped up to my face in a scowl. It wasn’t Renfield’s fault that this world had made him like this and I shouldn’t blame him for wanting direction under a tight fist of a warlord, and yet I found that an ugly part of me despised him for it. Did that mean I shared something in common with Count Dracula? One of his defects? 

“It’ll pass,” I told Renfield, looking out the window. “You’ll find your footing again soon. And no matter what you think or what happens, I’ll remember you.”

Despite his desolation, I was glad that he was back to himself. If it made me selfish, so be it. Although I wasn’t sure I was more pleased that Renfield was himself again or that Dracula had done it for me. 

When we arrived at Renfield’s flat in Chelsea, he refused any help to carry his belongings out of the car, so he stumbled out with the cardboard box and his small suitcase. At my request, the cabbie waited until I was sure Renfield was safe inside his building and then I gave him my address. 

I fished my phone from my purse and skimmed through my texts. Still none from Dracula. My fingers started typing before I could really think about what I was doing.

  _____________________________________________________

Count Dracula knocked briefly on Lucy’s balcony door before opening it. She had been lying on her stomach, texting someone, but turned around to greet him with a kittenish grin. The bed’s covers were instantly thrown away with a swift movement to expose her legs. 

“Finally! I thought you were giving up on me,” she exclaimed, rising on the bed to stand on her knees. He allowed her to pull him closer by his jacket’s lapels but when she neared his lips, he turned his face slightly to the side and she kissed only the corner of his mouth. “Nobody ignores my texts, you know.”

“Alas, I did”– he raised an eyebrow– “but you were begging for me and I had to come to put an end to it.”

That elicited another grin from her. A few days ago he would have found it charming, it was odd that it didn’t get a reaction out of him now. He hadn’t spent time with Lucy ever since before the wedding, so maybe that’s all he needed to warm up to her again – time. 

“Tell me you’re taking me out tonight,” she goaded, pouting.

“Don’t you have class tomorrow morning?”

“Yes but–”

“Then no.” He pushed her back on the bed and she fell with a laugh. “I’d rather do this,” he murmured as he climbed on top of her. 

She wriggled under him, doing her best to incite him as she rubbed her neck near his mouth, her hips twisting in need as her legs wrapped about his waist to brush up against him. He let her touch him, and he waited for desire to rise. She whined when he didn’t respond to her advances. 

Nothing stirred in him. He rolled off of her, throwing an arm over his face. His arm was lifted not a second later and he glanced at Lucy as she wrapped it around herself to snuggle up to his chest. He patted her shoulder, gazing up at the star pattern stamped on Lucy’s ceiling. Releasing Renfield should appease Y/N, which is what he wanted, but so far there was no news from her. He couldn’t stay in his home pacing around as he waited for a call. And then Lucy’s text had arrived and he decided it was better to go distract himself. No use so far.

“Did you have fun on your trip?” She asked him softly.

“Up to a point.”

“Did you miss me?”

“No, not really,” he said. Lucy chuckled, as she always did whenever he was too serious. He wasn’t sure if she interpreted his seriousness as a joke or if she laughed it off because she didn’t know how to react. 

“But you’re here,” she continued.

“It seems so, yes.”

He could tell that she wanted him to say that he had missed her but he wouldn’t lie. If she was hurt, then it was for the best. 

Lucy quickly maneuvered herself so she could straddle him. His hands automatically went to her thighs as she settled in a comfortable position. 

“Okay, so you didn’t come here to talk or to take me out.” Lowering her body over his, she popped a button on his shirt. Then another. “We can do other stuff, more interesting stuff…” Another button opened and she splayed her hands on his chest, stroking his skin. She moved her hips back and forth over his and his body stirred in response. Ah, so he wasn’t completely immune to her, it seemed. When she leaned in to kiss him, he let her. He breathed in her scent, and the charm was broken as swiftly as it had begun. It wasn’t the smell of honey he so longed for. “You’re being weird,” Lucy mumbled against his lips before pulling back to observe him.

Shutting his eyes, he forced himself to relax, concentrating on wiping Y/N’s scent from his brain. He covered Lucy’s hands with his own when he felt a tug on another button. Her fingers persisted but a light squeeze on them made her stop.

“How come?” 

“It’s fine if you don’t want to fuck because god knows all you want to do is drink me but you’re barely touching me, and usually you can’t keep your hands to yourself.” She wiggled her hips. “You’re not even hard, and I’m really trying here, Drac.” He laughed at her pout. She had never looked so offended since he’d met her and he had said things to her that would make anyone’s blood curdle. “It’s not funny. I was right that time, wasn’t I? You really don’t want me anymore.”

He opened his mouth to answer her, then his phone vibrated in his pocket, and froze. Lucy narrowed her eyes at him and glanced at the lit screen shining through the fabric of his trousers. She plucked his phone out, swatting his hands away when he tried to take it from her, and pushed off of his lap. He gripped thin air when she scooted out of the bed. He clenched his jaw. Lucy’s bratty behaviour was something he had learnt to enjoy but he didn’t find anything fun about it now.

“Give it to me, Lucy,” he said, holding out a hand as he sat. She bit her lip and shook her head to the sides as the phone lit her face from beneath. “Fine, then. Read the message aloud, please.”

“ I’m heading home now if you want to talk. And thank you. ” She read, making a face. “Who’s Y/N?”

Dracula grinned. A thank you from her was enough to bring him contentment, more than Lucy’s playful nature ever would. That boy from the pub, Trent, was apparently correct in saying that doing something nice for her might draw her out. If Dracula knew the outcome would be so perfect, he would have spared him for that alone. 

“My lawyer,” he said, his grin widening. “Give it back to me, Lucy.”

She placed the phone in his palm with an eye roll before sprawling on the bed again.

“Is she the reason why you’re leaving me?”

“How could I leave you if we weren’t together to begin with?”

“Ouch.”

“I swore I’d be sincere with you from the start, and I also told you this wouldn’t become a relationship. Save your ‘ouch’,” he told her, smirking. 

Taking advantage that Lucy appeared momentarily distracted by his words, he opened his texts. Beneath Y/N’s text, there was an opened one from Chelsea. He deleted it without reading it. She’d given him her number yesterday and while he thought to discard it, he was glad he hadn’t. After all, it was useful so he could find out when Y/N would be leaving work and Chelsea, appealing to gain his attention, had kindly provided the information that Y/N would be busy with court until late. It gave him a small window to call the hospital until the message reached her that Renfield was being released. Cutting the servitude ties to Renfield was as simple as closing a door. It opened another so he could make his way back to Y/N.

A sniffle drew his attention up as he was typing. Lucy turned her face toward him from where she lied, batting wet eyelashes at him.

“Lucy… Crying over me?” He smiled. “Didn’t you tell me you couldn’t get your heart broken and that you would be the one doing the heart breaking?”

“I’m crying because I never thought someone would reject me.” She huffed, and he laughed again, earning him a light, playful smack on the shoulder. “It’s sort of absurd.”

“You’re irredeemably spoiled.”

“I know.” She wiped the tears before crawling into his lap and pushing his arms away so she could fit between them. His phone was cast somewhere among her pillows. Lucy’s curls bounced as she settled on top of him and he smoothed them, being careful not to accidentally pull one. The time he’d done that, Lucy had made his ears ring from complaining so much. “But you like me anyway?” He simply nodded. “Hm. Can I meet her?”

“What?” He asked, as if his hearing had failed for the first time in centuries.

“Can I meet Y/N?”

“Why?”

“I want to see what I’m up against.”

“It’s not a competition, Lucy–”

“Okay. But what if–” she gave him a malicious smile “–c’mon, imagine… If I like her too, then maybe the three of us–”

“Lucy–”

“No, hear me out. It’s actually brilliant, and it’d be fun. I’ve never done anything like it. And if you make her a vampire too–”

“Lucy, stop.” He shook her lightly, making her furrow her eyebrows. “It could be fun, yes. Terribly fun, actually,” he said as he considered the image Lucy’s suggestion conjured. “But it’s not happening. None of it.”

“None of it?” She repeated. 

“None, dear,” he asserted. A smile struggled on the corners of his mouth. He had come to see Lucy for one reason but now he wondered his true motivation. Had he known what he was doing, subconsciously? “I won’t come to see you anymore.”

She gaped.

“You’re going to let me wither and die, aren’t you?” she accused.

He chuckled, tilting his head.

“I trust you’ll find some inventive way to kill yourself before you reach old age.”

“You are my inventive way! You promised me eternal life, that I’d pretty forever–”

“Lucy…” he grabbed her jaw to make her stop talking and she whined, although her eyes twinkled slightly at his bruteness. “I really don’t care. I’ve made my decision.”

Tears appeared on her eyes.

“Oh, please, stop with the crying,” he requested, cupping her cheek so a thumb could catch a fat tear before it spilled. He licked it, savouring the salt of her hurt. “I’ve had to deal with vast amounts of it lately and I don’t deserve your tears. They won’t get you anywhere with me.” He sighed. “I don’t want you anymore, Lucy, but it has nothing to do with you. I’ve simply found what I was looking for in someone else. And in her alone.” He smiled. “Y/N is my perfect fruit.”

“You don’t have to be mean,” she grumbled. 

“You’ve never seen me being mean. I realise now that I said the same words to you once and I thought them to be true at the time but not anymore. I don’t regret our time together, Lucy, and I’ll enjoy remembering it years from now. This is goodbye.”

Delicately, he started pushing her out of his lap but she grappled on to him. If she continued being a brat he might have to pry her hands away. When he gazed into her eyes he glimpsed in them an unforeseen sobriety. He hadn’t thought she was capable of it. 

“You won’t make me a vampire. I don’t want to grow old, and I won’t, so before you leave me, will you give me death? A sweet, tragic death that will make people wail at my funeral and say “oh poor Lucy, gone so soon”? Pretty, pretty please?”

“Vain until your last moments, aren’t you, Lucy?”

“Always,” she proclaimed with a proud tilt of her chin. “Give me at least that if you’re going to dump me. What’s there to live for anyway?”

Dark eyes studied her face as he inhaled her scent. There was no fear tainting his senses. Lucy never feared anything from him which was what had drawn him to her at first, yet it wasn’t powerful enough to hold his interest. She didn’t want more out of life except for death. In that sense, Y/N and Lucy were entirely opposites. One couldn’t live forever if life’s eternal paths didn’t interest them; at least Y/N searched for something worth living for. 

“Are you serious?” He  asked, raising an eyebrow. She nodded solemnly. “Death is not a caprice. You can’t take it back, Lucy. If this is your last hope that I’ll keep you, that I’ll suddenly change my mind at the last second, then you underestimate me.”

“I’m dead serious,” she said, widening her eyes at her own joke. Dracula’s expression didn’t change. “I am, Drac. And why do you care?”

“I don’t.”

“Then do it,” she urged before brushing her hair away and exposing her neck to him.

Scars marked her neck and he bent forward instinctively, like it beckoned him closer. Lucy leaned in, her tiny chest heaving next to his, and he enveloped her in a tight embrace. Choosing to kill Lucy would leave only Y/N in his path, by doing it he would kill yet another bride, the one he was most certain would survive the metamorphosis. However glorious was that possibility there was nothing about Lucy that would make him want her as a companion. 

“As a last courtesy…” he whispered, laying his lips on a vein. Her pulse accelerated and the vein jumped, coaxing him to take it cautiously between his teeth. “Lucy, my darkling… I’ll be your easeful Death.” He smiled at his own quotation but she didn’t seem to quite catch it. Y/N would have understood it. She stimulated everything in him, and managed to ignite parts of him that had been long forgotten. He hungered for her like he hungered for blood. What did Lucy do to him? Nothing, nothing, nothing. 

His teeth cut through her and she slumped, melting into him. The taste of her blood was familiar and did not sing to him as it once did. He devoured her methodically. A flavorless drink, like an alcoholic’s bottle of choice. She didn’t move once, not even when death’s spasms should have seized her body.

Once she grew cold, utterly depleted of blood, he laid her on the bed, arranged the covers around her and fluffed the pillows. After considering it, he closed her eyes with the tips of his fingers and fixed the crown of curls about her head. Her dainty lips were slightly parted in her pout. A pretty picture for her mother to find – sweet and tragic, like Lucy had asked. He admired her for a moment and nodded in approval. It had been fun and if she wanted death, it was only right that he gave it to her.

Dracula’s shirt clung to the sides of his chest, dampened by the little blood that had escaped his mouth. He considered the dark swirls of hair on his chest muddled by red liquid; a shower was in order when he got home. His shirt made a muffled, wet sound as he buttoned it up.

His phone rested near Lucy’s shoulder. The screen was smeared with red but it was no trouble seeing through it as he opened Y/N’s message again. 

It would be late at night until he made himself presentable to her, and she would be tired until then. Killing a bride in favour of another also occupied his mind more than he expected. Y/N had ensnared him, completely. He was used to it being the other way around. He had given her time and in that time he had done nothing but kill to cleanse himself from her. It hadn’t worked. Perhaps it was time he did some reflection of his own, before they met again.

 Truce for now, we meet tomorrow. You’re welcome.

“She’s making me soft,” he muttered to himself. He eyed Lucy and rose an eyebrow. “Wouldn’t you say so, dear?”

 .

.

.

A/N: Writing this chapter was a struggle, especially the last scene. Once again, not the right mindset for it in my opinion. For those who aren't familiar with what Dracula quotes, it's from Ode to a Nightingale by John Keats. As a treat, I'll let you all know that they'll be reunited in the next chapter... and that's all I'll say about that.

@festering-queen​ @feralstare​ @rheabalaur​ @a-dorky-book-keeper​ @thorin-smokin-shield​ @dreamer2381​ @deborahlazaroff​ @illbegoinhome​ @saint-hardy​ @girlonfireice​ @mr-kisskiss-bangbang​ @iwasjustablur​ @crossoverqueen89​ @vampirescurse​ @blue-serendipity​ @sunscreenfeverdream​ @25ocurer​ @daydreaming136​ @hello-itsbarbie​ @princessayveke​ 

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe Alternate Future chapter 26: Everything’s Fine (originally posted on September 20, 2021)

AN: Welcome back to the jungle readers. When last we left Steven, his mind was going further down the toilet after shattering Jasper and the voice in his head continues trying to take control, which led to him lashing out against White Diamond & Spinel. Can he possibly keep his personal Nega-Scott under control while trying to tell the Gems that everything is totally okay? All this and more in this gripping chapter of Alternate Future!

Synopsis: Despite Steven constantly saying otherwise, everything isn't fine.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven, Topiary Stevens, Cactus Stevens

Estelle as Garnet

Micheala Dietz as Amethyst

Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl

Grace Rolek as Connie

Tom Scharpling as Greg

Ron Perlman as Steven's Inner Voice

Shelby Rabara as Peridot, Squaridot

Jennifer Paz as Lapis, Laz, Zuli

Uzo Aduba as Bismuth

Kimberly Brooks as Cherry Quartz

Michelle Maryk as Larimar

Ian Jones-Quartey as Snowflake Obsidian, Bixbite

Tara Platt as Heaven and Earth Cubic Zirconias

Martha Higerada as Topaz

Auli'I Cravalho as Orange Spodumene

Aparna Nancherla as Nephrite

Kimiko Glenn as Blue Chalcedony

Phillipa Soo as Chrysocolla

Anika Noni Rose as Watermelon Tourmaline

Tara Strong as Grossular Diopside

Aimee Carrero as Moonstone

Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald

Kari Wahlgren as Pyrope

Melissa Fahn as Demantoid

Noël Wells as Black Rutile

Lauren Ash as White Topaz

Della Saba as Aquamarine

Charlyne Yi as Eyeball

Larissa Gallagher as Bluebird Azurite

Susan Egan as Rose Quartz

--

As soon as Steven returned to his earthly home via Warp Pad and checked up on the bathroom, he returned to his room to flop down on his bed. Steven thought the Diamonds would be of help to him, but instead, they didn't understand what he was going through, and his evil voice kept making things worse for him.

"Why did you make me do that?" Steven lugubriously asked his inner self. "Why did you make me nearly kill White Diamond, and punch Spinel?"

"They hurt you, so I thought it was about time you gave them their just desserts." The evil voice within Steven answered. "Yet the real you insisted that everything was fine. That's your biggest problem, you're way too forgiving of others no matter how much they want you dead."

"No, I know when others don't deserve to be accepted." Steven argued. "Like Black Rutile for example. If she's going to be proud of how irredeemable she is, I'll just let her do her thing."

"Ah yes, do her thing." The negative side of Steven mused. "Like threaten your life and make repeated attempts on your psyche. Yeah, if you could change that pervert, then maybe you can change the sociopath too."

Suddenly, Steven's phone began to ring. "One second Negative Me, I have to take this." Steven said while picking it up and hearing a relieving familiar voice on the other end. "Hey Connie, what's up?"

"Steven!" Connie cried in delight. "Good, you finally picked up. I can't believe we haven't talked to each other since the hospital visit, how are you?"

"I'm great!" Steven fibbed while gazing at how he was still pink. "Never been better!"

"Really?" Connie asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are you sure you haven't had any more swelling or turning pink problems?"

"Uh, nope?" Steven replied. "Okay, maybe, but how are you doing? How's prepping for college going?"

"It's going fine Steven." Connie answered nervously. "But what you mean when you said maybe?"

"Look, there's nothing to worry about." Steven kept on lying. "Everything's fine."

"I doubt it." Steven's dark side interrupted.

"Look, I'll call you later," Steven said. "I don't wanna wake up the Gems."

"But they don't even sleep!" Connie exclaimed before Steven quickly hung up and gazed at his hands before the TV turned on.

"-it's because I'M A UNIVERSE!" Steven began seeing visions of the past on the TV, starting with his argument with Greg before it went to static. Then it began showing Steven holding the shattered remains of Jasper's gem in his hand. More static, followed by the near-death of White Diamond, then Steven punching Spinel for singing to him. Just as Steven got up to try and turn the TV off, he got one last devastating surprise.

"Steven, we can't both exist." Rose Quartz announced to Steven in the video she made before giving birth to him, the very sight of her warm face making him twitch angrily where he stood. "I'm going to become half of you. And I need you to know that every moment you love being yourself, that's me, loving you and loving being you."

"No, I never loved myself," Steven growled furiously. "I've always hated being you. Everything I've suffered, and everything you ever put everyone through," He balled up his fist and pointed it straight at the TV screen. "IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Before Rose could finish, Steven broke the screen with a single punch and prematurely ended the video. However, Steven then let out a gasp as he gazed into his reflection on the shattered remains of the screen, noticing that his irises were now diamond-shaped and realizing what he had become.

"No! No, no, no, no!" Steven trembled and dropped to the ground in horror. "Th-this can't be happening, I didn't think about shattering White, I didn't shatter Jasper, punch Spinel, or nearly kill Dad!" His panicking soon turned to mad chuckling as Steven tried to cheer himself up. "I'm Steven Universe!" Steven then turned to Vidalia's painting of him and Garnet. "I'm fine, I'm fine!" he loudly repeated to himself, causing the glass of his bedroom door to break. "I'm totally fine!"

"Steven, is that you?!" The loudness of Steven's fibbing caused Pearl to cry out as she, Amethyst, and Garnet raced upstairs to Steven's room and gasped at his current appearance.

"What happened?" Amethyst asked Steven. "When did you get so big?"

"Is everything alright?" Pearl added just as nervously.

"I'm fine." Steven smiled and waved at the Gems. "Going to the Diamonds was just a waste of time since they had no idea what I was going through. I thought I needed to figure myself out, but I already know who I am! I'm Steven Universe; and I help, not hurt!"

"Yeah, then I suppose you tried to help the TV there?" Amethyst said while pointing a thumb at the damaged TV. "Seriously, we have got to upgrade someday. But seriously dude, what's going on? You look way different!"

"Pfft, I'm still your lovable old Steven!" Steven denied in response.

"Steven, we're worried," Garnet stated, taking off her glasses to emphasize how concerned she was for her ward. "You haven't been acting like your usual self lately, and we think you should get some rest before this gets dangerous."

"I'm okay, really!" Steven continued lying to the Gems, who glanced concernedly at each other before turning back to him.

"We'll take your word for it." Garnet said resignedly.

"You know, everything's gone downhill ever since I quit Little Homeschool!" Steven declared cheerfully. "I should head on over and see if I can make myself useful there! See you guys later!"

With that, Steven used his newfound super speed to race out of the house to Little Homeworld. To the Gems, it was like he was gone in an instant.

"I get that Steven wants us to know he's fine, but that was a little unsettling." Pearl stated fearfully. "We should just follow him to Little Homeworld so we can keep an eye on him."

"Agreed." Garnet nodded while putting her glasses back on.

"Yeah, that boy ain't right!" Amethyst declared before the trio left Steven's bedroom. But what they or even Steven didn't know was that a black-colored drone was watching them carefully.

--

"Excellent, he's just about at his breaking point." Black Rutile declared triumphantly while examining the footage her drone has gathered with White Topaz by her side. "Oh, I haven't felt this much of a rush since the Strawberry Battlefields!"

"But will Steven get any better?" White Topaz asked nervously, inciting her master to give her a furious glare.

"No, that's my intention!" Black Rutile stated. "I broke him, I broke his spirit! If I physically harmed him, the damage would just go away. But mental torture, the wounds shall only grow and fester! I have officially broken Steven Universe, and all that's left is for everyone to reject that monster."

"Oh master, we're back from training." Bluebird Azurite declared as she flew back to the Rutile's cavern hideaway.

"Oh hey guys, how you getting along?" White Topaz asked the fusion cheerfully.

"We're getting along splendidly thanks to Steven's advice." Bluebird answered before un-fusing into Aquamarine and Eyeball.

"Now we're even stronger than ever!" Aquamarine exclaimed joyfully.

"Look what we can do now!" Eyeball added before pulling out her chisel and shaking it to turn the blade into a beam of fire while Aquamarine launched bubbles from her wings.

"Ah, so glad you two are reaching your full potential, potential that Steven has suppressed for too long." Black Rutile smiled warmly at the tiny twosome. "But know this, you may be afraid of what could be to come, but remember that fear is but the precursor to valor! And to strive and triumph in the face of fear is what it means to be a warrior. Don't think, become."

"I fail to see how that could inspire us, but okay." Aquamarine muttered before peeking behind Black Rutile to see the drone footage. "Now what's all this?"

"It's video evidence that I've driven Steven to madness." Black Rutile answered with a proud grin before gesturing to each screen. "Here, we see Steven going ballistic on a human television when his mother appeared on the monitor." She said pointing to the first one. "On this one, the accursed Crystal Gems show concern for him for once, but he denies that anything is wrong with him." Then Black Rutile moved on to the third one. "And finally, Steven is just gone like a light."

"How can he do that?" White Topaz asked as she looked at the third viewscreen.

"Research shows that this comes from his Diamond heritage interfering with his human biology." Black Rutile analyzed the footage. "I should know, I was often tasked with watching over Pink Diamond whenever her usual caretakers were unavailable. And let me just say, it was unbelievably hectic."

"Yeah, like remember our attempted occupation of Zembilla?" White Topaz added. "Pink really grew attached to those little orange natives and didn't want them all dead."

"Don't remind me to the point of making me have a flashback." Black Rutile groaned while stroking her temples. "This shall be our time to rise up. We shall strike the first moment we get when Steven is at his lowest, so I suggest you better prepare." The Rutile then turned to her Topaz muscle. "Topaz, I need you to preside over Aquamarine and Ruby's training for the time being."

"Oh, of course, I'll do as you say!" White Topaz frantically declared. "That's me, White Topaz, always at your service!"

"Just…..go." Black Rutile's eye began to twitch at White Topaz's brownnosing. As soon as her three subordinates left, the mastermind turned back to her screens and paused the first one at Steven punching the TV screen. "Soon, my boy. Your god complex will finally crumble, just like your so-called happily ever after."

--

"Ah Little Homeworld, long time no see!" Steven declared happily as he reached Little Homeworld and landed on the Warp Pad. "Time to find someone who needs my help."

As Steven ran around the village in search of people to help, Gems and humans were taken a little aback by his new appearance and tried to stay away from him, though Steven didn't know why.

"Look, we're just saying Emerald, there are more ways reptiles are connected to birds than you think." Demantoid argued with Emerald as the two played chess together.

"Name one!" Emerald declared while moving her rook to knock out Demantoid's pawn. "Are there any lizards that have feathers, hm?!"

"Hey, guys, any arguments that need settling?" Steven butted into the green Gems' debate with a wide smile, taking the two by surprise. "Something about birds?"

"What is wrong with you?!" Emerald exclaimed. "This is why Black Rutile hates you, you think everything has to revolve around you and how you think you can fix everything! But even so, you look creepily happier than usual. Something is definitely up."

"Oh, everything's fine." Steven declared, his eye twitching ever so slightly at Emerald's accusation. "I think I'll just let you guys get back to your conversation." And so, Steven set off for someone else to try and help, leaving the green ex-subordinates of Black Rutile aghast before they decided to change the topic while getting back to their game.

"So, I've heard rumors that Steven is suffering from some problems lately." Demantoid said as her rook moved to take out the opposing knight. "Something about post-traumatic stress disorder?"

"Are you sure?" Emerald replied. "Because I've read about the symptoms, and something tells me he might have a borderline personality disorder."

"Maybe somewhere in the middle?" Demantoid deduced.

--

"Now the key to giving a plant proper sunlight is finding a spot that's just right." Peridot exposited to her class of Pyrope, Orange Spodumene, Blue Chalcedony, Cherry Quartz, and Squaridot while pointing to a chrysanthemum. "And it also varies on what kind of plant you're growing."

"I see." Squaridot muttered in awe.

Just then, Steven barged into the greenhouse and grinned at Peridot's class. "Hi Peridot, do any of you need some help?"

"No, I do believe we're perfectly fine." Pyrope answered dryly.

"So what brings you back here?" Peridot asked. "Didn't you leave a few months back?"

"Just your friendly neighborhood Crystal Gem just here to help!" Steven declared. "And I think your students have a few struggling saplings here. Let me give you a hand." Chuckling at his pun, Steven licked his hands and reached out to Pyrope's pot before Peridot stopped him.

"Not so fast!" Peridot scolded Steven. "Amethyst told me you're on a No Plant Friends policy after what happened with the Cactus Stevens."

"We're right here you know." A Cactus Steven said while helping a nearby Sapphire.

"Besides, I don't want your germs all over my prized flower!" Pyrope added, protectively hiding her pot from Steven.

"Oh come on you guys, I just want to give them a little nudge!" Steven laughed. To further prove his point, a leaf fell off Blue Chalcedony's plant.

"That has been bothering me lately." Blue Chalcedony stated, holding her pot out to Steven. "Go ahead, just a smidge though."

"I got a bad feeling about this." Cherry Quartz said warily.

"Oh don't worry, I got this!" Steven said as he licked his finger and tapped on the spot where the leaf fell off.

Moments later, the greenhouse began literally bursting with plant life, and not in a good way. Living topiaries in the shape of Steven broke through the greenhouse walls chanting "Steven's here to help!" while Peridot's class ran away screaming.

"Nice going Chal, now look what's happened!" Pyrope yelled at Blue Chalcedony.

"Hey, lay off her Pyrope!" Orange Spodumene exclaimed. "But still, something is not right with Steven!"

On the topic of Steven, he followed the class out of the greenhouse and seemed oblivious to the damage he had caused. "Look at that, life! It's everywhere, it always finds a way!"

"Much like how you find a way to drive people away." Steven's evil voice muttered sardonically, but Steven paid it no mind as he continued his search for people to help.

--

"Now, tell me how that makes you feel." Garnet said to a human couple she was giving counseling to when she heard Peridot scream, causing the humans to stand up as they gasped. "See you next week."

As soon as the couple ran away in fright, three Topiary Stevens surrounded Garnet, still chanting "Steven's here to help!" while the real Steven ran into the fusion.

"Oh Garnet, I see you're making some new friends!" Steven exclaimed joyfully, continuing to be unaware of his surroundings. "Then I guess this was a net win. Welp, gotta run and find someone else to help! It's what I do!"

"Then help me stop them!" Garnet yelled while the Topiary Stevens repeated "Steven's here to help!", which began to get on her nerves. "The others have to know about this."

--

"Being a lifeguard was far easier than I thought." Laz declared while relaxing in a lifeguard chair above the Gems in the now completed swimming pool. "Just gotta sit around and wait for something to happen. Besides, Gems can't drown anyways!"

"Yeah, but they still need to learn some basic rules." Lapis said to her old friend turned enemy turned friend again before blowing her whistle. "Hey, no running so fast! You might slip and fall!"

"Sorry, Lapis." Teal Zircon apologized before diving in and landing on top of Watermelon Tourmaline. "This is living, eh Melon?"

"You said it, Teal." Watermelon Tourmaline said as she floated around the pool with the Zircon relaxing on her stomach. "Ain't nothing could go wrong today."

Just then, Steven came a-knocking as he opened the gate to the pool to check out what was going on. "Hey Lapises, how's everything going?" he asked. "Anyone need any saving right now?"

"Actually, I think we're running a pretty tight ship as is," Lapis answered Steven while Zuli emerged from the pool after a swim. "Right guys?"

"Yeah, we don't need any extra help right now." Zuli stated. "But if you want, we could hold tryouts sometime."

"Oh no need, I'll just do it myself." Steven beamed before he began looking out for someone who might need his assistance when he spotted Teal Zircon resting on Watermelon Tourmaline's stomach. "Hey TZ, you could slip and fall!"

"What?" Teal asked before Steven grabbed her by the hand. "I'm doing pretty fine over here." Suddenly, as Steven tried to pull the Zircon from the pool, he accidentally pulled a little too hard and threw her up in the air. "OKAY, NOW I'M NOT DOING FINE!" TZ screamed as she flew away from the pool. "WITNESS ME!"

Teal Zircon didn't stay in the air for long, and soon dropped from the sky into another part of Little Homeworld. "I'm okay!"

"What's the big idea, Steven?" Watermelon Tourmaline asked. "We were all having fun before you came in and threw Teal Zircon to who knows where!"

"I'm sure TZ's fine, she said so herself." Steven laughed. "Well, gotta run! Have a nice day everybody!"

As soon as Steven ran off, more Topiary Stevens came bursting through the chain-link fence as they wrestled with the Cactus Stevens, prompting the other Gems present to slowly back away.

"Can this day get any weirder?" Laz scoffed. "I was trying to relax here!"

"Hey, did anyone else notice that Steven was all pink and such?" Lapis asked her fellow water-manipulating lifeguards.

"Yeah, it's kinda freaking me out." Zuli replied. "And are we sure he's totally fine?"

"I'm asking that question too." Lapis pondered while Peridot came charging through the broken fence to break up the battle of the plant Stevens.

--

When Steven left the pool, the first thing he saw was Bismuth's forge. "That's right, it must be shop o'clock!" he declared while skidding to a stop. "Bismuth's shop class, that is. Time to get my shop on."

"You good bud, you talking to yourself or something?" Amethyst, dressed in a coach uniform, asked Steven as he entered the forge.

"Now, the detailing requires a light touch." Bismuth explained to Blue Pearl, Bixbite & Snowflake Obsidian while standing between Pearl wearing a smithing apron and Yellow Pearl in a suit of armor. "Pay attention now everybody, cause this is critical to getting it right."

"Uh, hey howdy hey!" Steven greeted the shop class while leaning against the entrance.

"Oh, hey Steven!" Bixbite cheerfully greeted Steven.

"Did you get taller?" Blue Pearl asked with a tilt of her head and a finger to her lips.

"Whoa-ho-ho, lookin' good Steven!" Bismuth complimented Steven's change in appearance.

"I don't think that look is a positive change for him." Pearl whispered to Bismuth. "We think something might be wrong with him."

"Fancy seeing you drop by." Yellow Pearl grinned, unaware of what the teachers were conversing about. "How do you like my armor?"

"You look great Yellow Pearl!" Steven answered. "So Bismuth, in need of a teaching assistant?"

"Actually, Pearl's my TA today," Bismuth replied with a hand on Pearl's shoulder before presenting Yellow Pearl's armor-clad arm. "but I could use a wedding expert for my wedding armor demonstration. How 'bout it?"

"Of course, I'll help!" Steven declared. "That's what I love doing, just helping everyone!"

"Okay, let's get some materials warmed up for you." Bismuth then walked over to a pot of coals that she plucked a cooling steel bar from and flattened one end of it on the anvil with her hammer hand. "I think that's good enough." She stated. "Hey Steven, mind helping me with a pauldron or two?"

"I got this." Steven cheered as he walked over to the anvil and prepared to punch the metal.

"Hold up there boulder-brain." Bismuth stopped Steven before he could punch. "It's just some detail work, no need for a big mallet when you could use a little hammer." She handed a tiny hammer to Steven. "Plus, you could burn yourself that way."

"Oh, whoopsy-daisy, thanks Bismuth." Steven exclaimed and lightly tapped on the metal with the hammer. Instead of the detail work he thought he could do, Steven instead cracked the anvil into pieces with a single tap.

"Someone's stronger than we thought." Snowflake laughed nervously while Pearl & Bismuth gazed at the broken anvil.

"Look at that, now you have two anvils!" Steven laughed while Bismuth mourned the destruction of her anvil.

"NOOOOO!" Bismuth dropped to her knees in despair. "My anvil! My beautiful anvil!"

"Oh, grow up will you?" Steven's inner voice grumbled. "It's an anvil, you can make another."

"Seems like my work here is done." The real Steven laughed as he prepared to leave. "Well, toodles!"

"You see what I mean, Steven's not himself lately." Pearl said as she comforted Bismuth. "First he nearly got Greg killed, then Jasper started calling him her Diamond, and now this."

"Can I be the first to say that he needs help?" Yellow Pearl asked sardonically as more Topiary Stevens continued their rampage outside the forge.

--

As Steven exited the forge, he ran towards a baseball game that Amethyst was holding. Nephrite was on the Warp Pad throwing a ball to Doc, Amethyst stood by with Onion next to her, Topaz stood with a pair of humans on the bases, Larimar was in the outfield, and Chrysocolla, Grossular Diopside & Moonstone were waiting to play.

As soon as Amethyst noticed Steven, she blew her whistle and turned to talk to him. "Hey dude," she greeted him. "What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you needed any more players." Steven offered. "I'm ready to have a ball!"

"I think we could squeeze you in, we do need a new outfielder," Amethyst concluded and pointed to Larimar. "Oy, Larimar! Hit the showers, Steven's taking your place!"

"Good luck there Steven." Larimar said while she got up and left while Steven took her place on the playing field.

"Yeah, good hustle there Lil Larimar." Steven complimented the ice Gem. "I'm honored to be joining such a great game, I mean, everyone here has been outstanding!"

"You just got here, how do you know that?" Nephrite raised her brow.

"That's just me, I know what everyone is doing and feel the need to help all the time!" Steven declared, creeping everyone out.

"Enough chit-chat, batter up!" Amethyst cried out, cuing Onion to pick up a bat and walk up to home base, ready to play. Nephrite threw the ball towards the silent boy and he hit it with the bat, although unfortunately, it was heading straight for a nearby house.

"Oh no, in danger again?!" the Heaven Cubic Zirconia complained as the ball sailed towards the window of her and Earth Cubic Zirconia's house while they were having tea.

"I swear, is it because we're small?" Earth Cubic Zirconia wondered. Thankfully, Steven caught the ball just in time, much to their relief.

"I did it." Steven declared and the other players cheered.

"Three cheers for Steven!" Topaz declared.

"That's our boy." Chrysocolla smiled.

"I did it, and I didn't ruin anything!" Steven boomed happily. "YEAH!" However, the complete opposite of what he just said quickly happened. His excited yell caused a windstorm powerful enough to knock people off their feet, break glass everywhere, and cause the Zirconias' house to fall apart.

"Whoa, take it easy Steven!" Moonstone cried as she held onto a bench while the windstorm continued.

"Someone help me!" Grossular Diopside yelled while she got blown away with Larimar. Thankfully, the windstorm died down after a few seconds but still left a ton of destruction in its wake, and all eyes were on Steven.

"Oops, sorry everyone." Steven blushed at the chaos he caused. "T-t-that was an accident. But what are accidents and mistakes but opportunities to learn and improve, right?" He looked down at the Zirconias, who weren't very happy about the destruction of their home.

"It was a mistake for us to be put in danger again, especially because of you!" Earth yelled accusingly.

"Earthy, shush!" Heaven shushed her partner.

"I mean, we all make mistakes, and as long as we keep improving, everything will be fine!" Steven declared while picking up a log. "Alright, let's get to it!"

"It was a mistake for you to come here in this state." The voice in Steven's head declared. "Black Rutile and I were right, you will drive everyone away."

"Listen, I am done with you for today." Steven's own thoughts argued with the voice. "Just pipe down and don't ever think about feeding me bad thoughts ever again, got it?"

"How about never?" the voice said smarmily while the Topiary Stevens got to work on helping Steven by picking up Onion, Larimar, and Grossular Diopside.

"WE'RE HELPING!" one of the Plant Stevens yelled.

--

High above the destroyed makeshift baseball field, Black Rutile's satellite continued watching everything and sending footage back to its creator, who was all too happy to see what her hard work has amounted to.

"This is just priceless!" Black Rutile laughed joyously. "First, he makes plants come to life and fight those cactus beasts, then he throws that annoying Zircon into the air, broke an anvil, and caused a scene during one of those human games. I'm sure he's going to make such a scene about all these little accidents."

"All the more tools to humiliate the boy." Aquamarine added just as sneakily. "Soon, he will have nothing but himself and his thoughts controlling him."

"Unless his friends were to come out and tell him everything will be alright." White Topaz objected. "I'm just saying, those Gems will stick by his side through thick and thin."

"Hey, no more objections!" Eyeball yelled while pulling out her flame knife. "Want me to test this on you?!"

While Eyeball began chasing White Topaz around the woods with her knife, Black Rutile just groaned and turned back to her screens. "Tell me Aquamarine, why do all great geniuses surround themselves with idiots?"

"Your guess is as good as mine my Rutile." Aquamarine shook her head while watching the screens focused on the beach house with bated breath.

--

As soon as Steven was done helping fix what he had broke, he returned to the beach house with a dourer expression than the big smile he kept wearing throughout the day. On the other side of the room, Connie was in the living room while Greg and the Gems sat down on the couch.

"Steven!" Connie cried. "I was right all along, you're still swelling! I tried calling you all day, but I kept getting this weird meme." She held up her phone, which now depicted Steven bouncing up and down while chanting "Steven's here to help!" just like the Topiary Stevens. "Please, what is going on? We're all worried for you."

"Go on boy, play dumb." Steven's inner voice commanded.

"I sometimes broadcast my subconscious these days." Steven answered. "It's really no big deal."

"NOT THAT DUMB!" the voice groaned in irritation.

"I can tell something is bothering you." Connie continued. "There are even times where the meme sometimes turns into this."

"Steven's here to help, Steven's here to help!" Steven kept chanting on Connie's phone before it began to glitch. "Steven help, help Steven!"

"Ah, I don't know what you're talking about!" Steven declared, his stress continuing to unnerve others. "Besides, you all saw I was doing just fine this morning. I'm fine, awesome even!"

"Steven, if being as helpful as you always are, even if it's a bit obnoxious & creepy, is what you want, we'll support you 100%." Greg comforted. "But if you're not really happy, if something's wrong-"

"He's onto us!" the voice exclaimed. "Should've gone a little further with the crash, I say."

"Nothing's wrong!" Steven rebuked his father's worries. "Besides, you all don't have to worry."

"We ARE worried!" Connie replied worryingly. "Besides, Pink Diamond's Pearl told the Gems over the communicator in your greenhouse that you punched Spinel while you were at Homeworld."

"Listen, you can tell us anything." Greg added.

"Look at these worms, ganging up on us." The inner voice kept snarling. "Run, run while you still can! No one may help us now! Except, of course, for a certain Rutile."

"It's not that easy." Steven muttered as he hung his head in shame. "You know what? I don't want to deal with all this." However, when Steven tried to leave, Garnet blocked his way to the Warp Pad while the rest kept him from leaving through the door. "Seriously guys, I don't want to deal with this!"

"No, we don't wanna deal with all this." Amethyst put her foot down at Steven's behavior.

"Please, you have to stop running." Garnet begged in addition when suddenly, Steven's body began to swell yet again and his face stretched out.

"Maybe we should get you back to my mom at the hospital." Connie suggested.

"HOSPITAL?!" Amethyst shrieked.

"Is that what you were doing while we were at the trial?!" Pearl yelled.

"You mean you didn't tell them?!" Connie cried out in shock, while Steven's body kept on distorting and his breath quickened.

"It wasn't that important, just my first ever doctor's visit." Steven smiled awkwardly. "You're making a big deal out of nothing! Sure, I messed up the house and broke a few things, but what teenager hasn't?"

"You spent years forcing secrets out of the Gems, and now you're the one keeping secrets?" Steven's darker half growled at his other half's hypocrisy. "You truly have become your mother."

"And sure, Dad and I had a little fight, but it was practically a rite of passage!" Steven continued fibbing and shrugged.

Connie and the Gems turned their gaze to Greg, who just scratched his head and let out a nervous laugh.

"I mean, wouldn't it be weird if we didn't?!" Steven kept on ranting. "And sure, I've had Black Rutile feed me some not so nice thoughts while you were at Los Diego that took the form of an inner voice that forced me to punch Spinel, or try and shatter White Diamond, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I did really shatter Jasper after all!"

"WHAT?!" Amethyst screamed at the thought of Steven, this sweet young man who would rather hang out with a fly than hurt it, doing such a thing, especially to a Gem he had tried many times to help see the light.

Although barely anyone could hear, Jasper let out a light moan from the bathroom.

"You're-you're joking right?!" Connie gasped with Greg while Garnet's jaw dropped and Pearl's eyes widened.

"Oh don't worry, I fixed Jasper! I can fix anything!" Steven's temper began to reach its boiling point. "I can just keep fixing and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to worry about anything ever again!"

"Except worrying about how you're deliberately pushing people away while begging them to stay." Steven's inner voice concluded while metaphorically looking around at the shocked reactions of Steven's human & Gem loved ones. "Just look at them all, how do you think they'd ever forgive you for such a horrendous act?"

"Steven." Garnet tried to lend an assuring hand on the boy's shoulder, but she was quickly shoved away.

"How messed up is that?!" Steven gasped as he felt something change in his body. His teeth began getting sharper, his skin became pinker & leatherier, his hands slowly turned into claws, and his pupils started turning pink. "That I've gotten away with all this for so long, forcing my views down the throats of others, tearing apart Gem society to the point where they'll eventually be invaded, actually murdering someone! Black Rutile was right, I am just an awful person! A sociopath even!"

No one could comprehend what Steven was thinking right now. Greg began to tear up at all these horrible things Steven was saying about himself, Connie gripped the father's arm tightly, and Pearl & Amethyst began fearfully hugging Garnet, whose face was completely frozen in horror.

"You think I'm so great, I'm so mature, that I always know what to do, BUT I'M NOT!" Steven began roaring in a more beastly tone. "I haven't learned a thing from my problems, and I never will! They all kept making me worse, YOU all keep making me worse! Are you even sure any of you ever loved or cared about me?! If it weren't for Pink Diamond ruining everything for everyone, I could've been just a normal kid!"

"That's right, just let everything out." The inner voice purred comfortingly. "Me on the other hand, I think I shall take my leave and prepare something more normal for you." With that, the inner voice seemingly vanished from Steven's mind.

"You all think of me as a perfect angel who's too pure for this world, but I'm not a little kid anymore!" Steven boomed before he dropped to the ground with his head between his hands. "I'm just like my mom. A fraud." He began to tremble where he crouched as something began bubbling on his back. "I'm a monster!"

Suddenly, a massive pillar of light pink scales erupted from Steven's back like a volcano as everyone reacted quickly. Garnet stuck her arms out to protect Amethyst & Pearl and Connie jumped back, but Greg was just plain terrified.

--

"I'm a monster!" Steven's final words before his transformation were rewound by Black Rutile as she eagerly replayed the phrase again and again on more of her satellite footage. "I'm a monster! I'm a monster! I'm a monster!"

With an evil grin, Black Rutile paused the video and shut off her screens. "And I have finally won!" she declared triumphantly and let out a booming evil laugh that echoed throughout the cave and scared off the nearby animals. Aquamarine & Eyeball grinned in delight, while White Topaz turned away from her cohorts in shame of what she had participated in. As quickly as Black Rutile finished her victorious cackle, she had another wonderful, awful idea in mind. "Now, onto Phase 2."

--

….holy shit. Uh, see you all for I am My Monster, I guess. And by the way, I did repurpose Steven accidentally playing Rose's message for the Rose trio in Rose Buds for the opening.

[elianamarie-blog]

Can you do an imagine with Hyde and a depressed reader?

I’d love to my dear.

I Just Need You To Hold Me

Lately, Y/n L/n hasn’t been acting like herself. She doesn’t smile or laugh as much as she used to. And if she does, it doesn’t reach her eyes. In fact, it barley graces her lips. As if she’s just faking it to make sure her friends don’t worry about her. Fez who always makes her laugh with his cute, innocent, or even lewd jokes didn’t seem to faze her. But her boyfriend, Steven Hyde, had definitely noticed. Everyone else did too, but were too timid to talk to her about it. She had even stopped taking care into her appearance. Her hair had become dull and barley combed, dark circles had developed under her y/e/c eyes, and she wouldn’t shower a few days at a time. She would use deodorant and perfume to cover up her odor. 

Before they knew it, she stopped showing up to hang out. She stopped showing up to circle time and even worse, she stopped showing up to dates. Steven and the rest of the group was starting to get really worried about her. On another occasion of her not showing up to hang out, the gang sat in the basement, worrying about her.

“Should we go check on her?” Donna asked. “I mean, I haven’t seen her in three weeks. I’m really starting to worry.”

“Yeah, I think we should,” Fez responded. “She hasn’t been herself.”

“Do you have any idea what might be wrong with her?” Eric asked Hyde.

“No,” he responded, shaking his head. “She won’t let me in, man. I’ve tried asking her if she’s okay and she just keeps saying she’s fine. Clearly things aren’t fine.”

“Well, if she says she’s fine, she clearly doesn’t want to talk about it,” Jackie replied, filing her nails. “Girls do that.”

Hyde gave her a deadpanned look. “You don’t say.”

“Yeah, man. Why do you keep pushing it? Clearly, she’s okay. As long as you’re getting action, that’s all that matters,” Kelso said.

Hyde glared at him before throwing a magazine at him. 

“Ow! My eye!” Kelso cried out. “Stop doing that!”

“Get smarter!” Hyde yelled back.

Suddenly, the phone rang, silencing the group’s laughter. Hyde answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” a sweet, familiar voice said from the other side.

“Hey,” he responded in a gentle tone. 

“I know that this is last minute, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to the movie tonight with everyone.”

“Y/n, this is the fourth time this week. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she lied. “I’m just super tired. College finals are kicking my butt, you know?”

“Y/n, you’ve been on spring break all week,” he said. “C’mon, seriously. What’s wrong? I’m worried. We all are.”

“You’re worried?” Kelso said from the background. “You guys, he’s totally in love!”

Hyde motioned his hand towards Eric who nodded understanding and reached over, slugging Kelso in the shoulder.

Kelso whimpered before laughing. “That was a good one.”

Y/n weakly smiled before sighing. “I’m just going through a rough time, that’s all.”

“If you’re going through something, why didn’t you tell any of us?” he asked her. “We’re your friends. We’re here for you, you know that. Especially me.”

“Yeah, I know. I just--I didn’t want to burden you guys.”

“You know you don’t. C’mon babe--Y/n,” he quickly corrected himself after receiving raised eyebrows from the group. Knowing Hyde for so long, he’s never used pet names with his girlfriends. Well, not in front of them anyway.

“Steven, I said I’m fine. Can we please drop it?” she said frustrated. “I don’t want to talk about it, especially with you guys. You don’t need to know my business. If I choose to not talk to you about it, then I don’t have to. Please respect that.”

“Look, I was just trying to help--”

“Well, don’t,” she snapped. “I don’t need it. I can handle this on my own. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

With that, a click was heard on the other end. Hyde pressed the phone to his forehead before hanging up himself.

“What was that about?” Eric asked.

“I don’t know, man,” he responded. “Something is wrong. I can’t just sit here. I have to go see her.” He stood, grabbing his jacket and keys off the table by the door. 

“Well, let us know what she says. Babe,” Eric teased.

“Remind me to pound on you later,” he threatened before ripping the door open and practically running to his car.

Once he reached Y/n’s house, he walked up to her front door and knocked. After a minute, the door swung open, revealing her mom.

“Oh, Steven,” she greeted. “What a pleasant surprise. You must be here to see Y/n.”

“Yes, Mrs. L/n. Can I see her?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now, sweetie. She’s been...in a mood lately.”

“I know, that’s why I’m here. I just want to check on her and see if she’s okay. I haven’t seen her in a while and I’m worried.”

“You’re such a sweet boy. Come on in.”

When Y/n had brought home Steven for the first time, her parents weren’t crazy about him. It’s a small town, people talk. They knew his reputation, but they couldn’t deny how good he treated her and how he even changed for her. They knew he was a sweetheart and knew about his home life. It was hard to dislike him when they saw how gentle he was with her and surprisingly affectionate. And when they saw how happy they made each other, they started growing a soft spot for him too. 

Steven immediately took for the stairs, making a left and going two doors down to Y/n’s room. He raised a fist to knock, but heard soft crying from the other end. He didn’t bother to knock and just let himself in. “Doll?”

The sight he walked into, made his heart drop. Her room was dark and her curtains were closed, allowing no sunlight in. Empty glasses and dirty plates littered the room, but the thing that caught his senses was the smell emitting from the room. If she hadn’t turned around upon hearing him enter, he wouldn’t thought maybe she wasn’t alive.

“Steven, what are you doing here?” she croaked.

“Oh my God...” he trailed, taking in the sight of the room before his eyes landed on her, covered by her duvet. She was a mess. Her hair was a rat’s nest, the dark circles under her eyes were even darker, her skin was dull, and she was still in her pj’s, given that it was four o’ clock in the afternoon. “Y/n...what happened? What’s going on?”

“Please, Steven, just leave,” she begged, her voice weak.

“Not until you tell me what’s going on,” he said, standing firm. “You’re done lying to me. You need to tell me the truth. Did something happen? Did I do something?” His heart picked up slightly thinking that all this was due to him.

She shook her head meekly. “No. It has nothing to do with you. You’re perfect.”

“Then please tell me what’s wrong,” he begged, sitting at the end of her bed. “Let me fix it. Please.”

“You can’t. You can’t fix it,” she croaked in a high pitch voice, fighting her tears. “Nobody can fix it.”

His eyebrows knit together. “What’re you talking about?”

She sat up fully, facing him. She casted her gaze down to her hands, afraid of wanting to admit what was wrong. “Lately, I haven’t been feeling well.”

“Is that it? You could’ve said something and I would’ve brought you some soup or something.”

She shook her head. “Not that kind of sick.”

He looked at her in confusion. “Then what kind?”

She took a deep breath, a few tears escaping. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. “I went to the doctor recently because I haven’t been myself. I can’t get into what normally would make me excited. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’ve lost my appetite. I can’t even get out of bed to take a shower.”

“Y/n, where is this heading?”

She scrunched her face in anguish before being able to answer. “The doctor seems to think I have depression and anxiety. He recommended that I either see a therapist and psychiatrist and go on meds or admit myself into a psych ward.”

“What?” he asked in genuine shock. “Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way?”

“Because I didn’t know what was wrong with me!” she exploded, tears streaming down her face. “I thought I was going crazy. I was so scared you would t-think that I had l-lost my mind and l-leave m-me.” She was hiccupping, trying to get through a sentence through her sobbing. “I was afraid that you would see me as a burden and too much and leave me alone with e-everyone else.”

Hyde’s heart shattered after hearing her tear-felt confession. “Oh, baby doll. Come here.” He shifted himself up to her and wrapped her in such a tight hug, that she for the first time in weeks, she felt safe. “For the record, I don’t think you’re crazy or a burden.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Steven. I can handle it.”

“I’m not lying,” he answered honestly and kissed her temple. “I promise I’m telling the truth. You have no idea how amazing you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Shut up and listen to me,” he said and pulled her back, wiping her tears with the pad of his thumb. “You are the most badass girl I know. You are smart, and funny, and kind, and so beautiful. I’ve never met a girl like you before and I love you.”

She paused, looking deeply into his steel blue eyes. That was the first time he’s ever said that to her. They’ve been together for at least three months now and they’ve never exchanged those three words before.

“You...what?”

“I love you, Y/n,” he repeated. “Just because you have something screwy going on in your brain doesn’t make you less amazing. While I agree you should get some help, it doesn’t take away how much of a badass you are. You’re the only chick who can make me laugh as hard as you do. The only one who isn’t afraid to challenge me and make me think. You don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. You don’t take people’s shit and you’re such a good friend and girlfriend. Not too mention you’re the best sex ever.”

He winked at her, making her genuinely smile for the first time in weeks. 

“You promise?” she asked weakly. 

“Of course I promise, Doll,” he replied, squeezing her tighter. “You just need to let me in. And tell me what I need to do to make everything better. Even if it’s just in that moment. Please.”

She nodded. “I’ll try. This isn’t easy for me.”

“And I’m not expecting it to be,” he said, rubbing her back. “I just need to know when you start to feel this way so that I can help. Even if you feel like you can’t say anything, you can do something as squeeze my hand and I’ll know.”

She nodded, burying her face in his chest. It was a comfortable silence for a minute with him rubbing her back and her trying to control her breathing. “I loemf youem too,” she mumbled in his chest.

“What?” he asked.

“I loemf youem too,” she repeated, head still buried in his chest.

“Y/n, I can’t understand you.”

She pulled away, looking directly into his eyes. “I love you too.”

He grabbed her face and pulled her in for a much needed kiss. Not just any kiss. The “I miss you” kiss and “I’m here for you” kiss. The “I need you” kiss. The “please don’t ever let me go” kiss. Everything they wanted to say to each other was said into this kiss. 

When he finally pulled away to breath some air, he rested his forehead against hers. “And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone until you’re ready.”

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“But you do realize you’re going to have to face them.”

She nodded. “I know. Will you be there with me?”

“Yes, of course, baby doll.”

“Can you do something for me now?”

“Anything. What do you need?”

“Just...just hold me.”

“As long as you need me too,” he responded and got comfortable, taking his jacket and boots off. He laid down on his side and pulled her in close, wrapping his arm around her waist. “How’s this?”

“Perfect,” she whispered. 

“When was the last time you ate?” he asked her, thumb rubbing her stomach.

“Two days?” she asked, rather than state. “I don’t know. I kind of lost track.”

“Okay, what do you say we get some food in you and get you in the shower?” he asked. “Some food and a fresh shower always helps me feel better.”

“Is this your way of telling me I stink?” she joked.

He chuckled. “You know me so well.”

“Steven Hyde...” she warned.

“Yes, doll?”

“You’re lucky I love you.”

Let me know what you think! I’m always open to requests! 

[hold-me-sickfics]

Alright y’all, I’m proud to introduce you to some of my new OCs! There are more coming, but these are the first😊💖💜 I want to thank @thatoneemokpop-02 and @bt20-whump for proofreading and inspiration. You two are awesome 💜💖💙 so... here goes 😊

TW: food, strip club mention, alcohol, emeto, tiny heartbreak, lots of fluffy cuteness (I think that’s all but if you see any I missed please let me know and I will fix them!)

“Parker, what is the point of coming to the library if you are not going to study?” Cody only looked up from his laptop for a moment before refocusing on his screen.

“I’m trying to help my poor, clueless friend find a date to the smart people formal.” Parker was spinning his fidget spinner at speeds unheard of by mankind.

Cody rolled his eyes, stealing just one more glance to his left.

Parker noticed.

“Dude, why will you not just go talk to her?” Parker could definitely have been heard from across the room.

“Talk to who? I wasn’t looking at anyone.” Cody blushed, his cheeks involuntarily rising in a smile to meet the rims of his glasses.

“Sure. So you were totally not just checking Brooklyn out. Of course not, so you won’t mind if I just go on over there and-”

“Wait! Wait.”

Parker smirked.

“Maybe I was. It’s not important.”

“Are you kidding? Look when you meet the chick that makes you… well… I won’t say it for your sake but if Maverick was here I would. Anyways, that means you gotta shoot your shot. It’s like basketball.”

“Parker I hate sports. We’ve been over this.”

“All because one frisbee hit your glasses yeah yeah…” Parker looked over at Brooklyn. She looked like Cody’s type. He had to get Cody to at least attempt it.

“What if you ask for her snap?”

“I’m not doing that.” Cody shut his laptop. “And another thing. It looks sleazy to just walk up to a girl and ask for her snap okay? You really should try a new method.”

Parker had his idea.

“Oh… you know what? You’re right. What should I do instead?”

“I don’t know, maybe… talk to her? Like at least get on some sort of “friend” level before you ask. It just looks better.”

“Uh huh…” Parker was getting ready to help Cody in a slightly less than orthodox way. “So to talk to her, you’d need a reason right?”

Cody looked over at her, hoping she wouldn’t catch him.

“Yeah… some sort of reason I guess.”

“Okay, don’t kill me.”

Parker got up, and started to walk over to Brooklyn’s table. She was there alone, seemingly very involved in her studies.

“Pardon me ma’am. My name’s Parker, and I was wondering if you like pineapple on pizza?”

Brooklyn blushed.

“I don’t exactly think it’s my thing… although pepperoni is pretty good.” She smiled.

“Awesome. So now that I’ve been established as the crazy person you have in common, Cody?” Parker called back to his previous seat. Cody had his face hidden in a book. He peeked out, throwing the book aside and doing his best to act “chill” as Parker had called it.

“Hi Brooklyn, I apologize for this… i don’t really know what to call him actually. I’m Cody. The-” he partially glared at Parker “more sane one.”

“It’s nice to meet you Cody, and Parker.” She bit her lip, and Cody felt his entire body go stiff. Parker could tell he had to save the day once again.

“So, you’re a hot girl. Have a date to the smart people dinner thing yet?”

“You mean the Academic Formal?”

“Yeah, love the bigger words. They really suit ya.”

“Let me just- one second.” Cody practically pulled Parker over to the side.

“You’re an idiot.”

“But I’m good at it, thank you.” Parker winked, and then went back to Brooklyn.

“Here’s the thing, my main man Cody here doesn’t have a date yet, and I thought you two would make a really cute couple so here’s his snap.”

Cody felt dizzy. Had Parker really just done that? This was the last time he was ever disclosing feelings to him. Actually, come to think of it, this is not the first time he’s said that.

Parker laid on his classic *Dean Winchester* smile, and then came back over to Cody.

“I’m literally planning your demise as we speak.”

------ time skip to 5:00 pm, in Parker’s dorm room------

“Ah I did good today. I found love for the little guy. I’m proud of myself and that means-”

“Do not touch the ice cream Parker I swear I will hurt you.”

Parker jumped.

“Maverick you aren’t supposed to be home yet!”

“And you aren’t supposed to touch my ice cream. So, even.” Maverick took the container away from Parker.

“Now, you wanna explain to me why Cody is trying to recruit me to kill you?”

“Not really.”

“Should I have him explain it?”

“Probably not… how about you just eat your ice cream hm? That would end well for all of us.”

Maverick rolled his eyes. He knew Parker must have really done something bad this time.

*buzz* *buzz*

Parker’s phone went off.

5:23 pm Cody: “ Why did you have to butt in?”

5:24 pm Parker: “ Because you couldn’t do it yourself.”

5:26 pm Cody: “Yeah and if you hadn’t done it, I could still be admiring her from afar and just getting silently and unrightfully irritated when she found another date.”

5:34 pm Parker: “Andddddd where’s the fun in that?”

5:37 pm Cody: “THE FACT THAT IT IS SAFE YOU NIMROD!”

5:43 pm Parker: “It’s still funny that you won’t cuss.”

5:45 pm Cody: “She just snapped me! What do I do? Parker I am scared.” “Parker?” “Parker!”

6:00 pm Parker: “Sorry, Maverick let me have ice cream and I forgot to text back.”

6:02 pm Cody: “ *facepalm* you are no help.”

6:15 pm Parker: “Well, what did it say?”

6:17 pm Cody: “I’m scared to look.”

6:18 pm Parker: “Dude, I’ll tell you what it says. Ready?” “ Hi”

6:20 pm Cody: “SHE WROTE BACK “HI” WHAT DO I SAY???????”

6:21 pm Parker: “You’re sure they invited you to the smart people thing right? Like it wasn’t a mix up?”

6:22 pm Cody: “Parker yes they invited me. I’m so dang smart that I have no idea how to… “my people skills are rusty.””

6:24 pm Parker: “Dude if you don’t stop with the references I am going to send you to a psych ward.”

6:25 pm Cody: “Noted. Okay, I am going to respond.”

6:30 pm Parker: “Good now text me when you have an actual conversation rolling aight?”

Parker put his phone in his pocket and went back to his ice cream cone. At 7:00, he got another text.

7:00 pm Cody: “She… um… she told me she’s going with someone else.”

Now Parker felt bad. The poor kid got rejected, and unlike himself, who bounces back and just moves on, he knew Cody had a tendency to get attached. Ah well, no use crying over spilled milk.

7:01 pm Parker: “Who?”

7:03 pm Cody: “It doesn’t matter. I’m glad she found someone she wants to go with. Well, I’m gonna go on to sleep so I can study some more tomorrow. Night Park.”

7:04 pm Parker: “Sorry dude. Night Cody.”

Now he felt really really bad. He thought for a bit, and then, an idea hit him.

7:23 pm Parker: “I am on my way. Do not do anything stupid like buying more books. You cannot keep any more in your room. There is officially no more space.”

Parker was going to do the one thing he knew cured heartbreak. They were both 21…

When Parker got there, he found Cody halfway through a bag of popcorn watching a romcom.

“Dude… I get that you’re sad but this is just straight tragic.”

Cody sniffled, holding the blanket up to his nose.

“Shush this is all I have now.”

“Nope, not gonna happen. Come on.” Parker picked Cody up and placed him on his feet.

“Why can you not let me cry in peace?”

“Because it’s not how I roll. Now, we’re getting you dressed, and then we’re going to a strip club.”

“But.. but I don’t-”

“Trust me, you’ll get the hang of it.”

Parker had considered inviting Maverick, but he was kinda the rule-stickler type. His grandparents had raised him to be pretty straight-laced.

---- time skip to driving to the club-----

“I really think this is a bad idea.” Cody looked down at his navy button-up and his black pants and dress shoes.

“You’ll be fine. Look, I’ve done this hundreds of times.”

“Hundreds??”

“Eh, okay maybe tens, but same thing.”

They pulled into the parking lot, and the one thing that went through Cody’s mind is that this was not going to end well.

----- time skip to 3:28 am-----

“Wowwww she was-s right in ma face! Did you see?”

“Yes I saw.” Cody pulled his friend up from the floor of the club.

“Ohh no! Iss time to go ba-back now?”

“It is. Maverick is probably worried about you.”

“Pshhhhhhhh nahhhhh… m’ fin”

“You’re fine?”

“Yeash I’m fineeeeee”

“And here I was thinking I was a lightweight. Alright, out we go.”

“BYE BRITTNEEEEEEEEEE!” Parker’s head lolled to the side as he let Cody handle most of his body weight.

They stumbled to the car, somehow making it in a decent amount of time. Cody opened the passenger side door, and helped Parker slide in.

“Thank you *burp* you’re my bestesetest of frans. I luv you mann.”

Even Cody had to laugh.

“I love you too. Now, in the car. We’re putting your seatbelt on.”

“NO! NO I WON’T BE TAKEN AGAIN! I CAN’T GO BACK *hiccup*”

“Tell it to the judge bub.”

Parker heard the seatbelt click into place and immediately started bawling.

“I *hiccup* am s-so sorry-yee. I did not mean to *hiccup* tell the *hiccup* panda to go *hiccup* f-”

“Okay that’s enough bud. Sleep. We’re headed home.”

“I c-can’t f-feel my eyeballs *hiccup*”

“You aren’t supposed to feel them. They’re just there.”

“BUT HOW DO I KNOW THEY ARE NOT STOLEN????”

Cody took a deep breath and looked down at the clock in the dashboard. They’d be home in ten minutes, maybe less if Parker didn’t stop blubbering. He’d already called Maverick, who had assured Cody he would take care of their drunk friend, but Cody had decided maybe it would be nice to take care of Parker instead of being on his own tonight. Despite everything that happened that night, he still wanted some company.

“Oh jolly good young fellow wherefore art the d- oh! Look at the grass! It’s so green!”

“It’s brown bub. It’s winter.” Cody smiled, pulling into the parking place that he’d been assigned.

Cody smiled, pulling into the parking place that he’d been assigned.

“Welp… I’m bout to turn it *hiccup* green…”

Cody looked over to see Parker’s cheeks puffed out and his chest rolling forward in a heave.

“Hang on! Hang on-” He jumped out of the car and opened the door on Parker’s side. It was just in time. Pure alcohol mixed with some sort of greenish jello shot coated the ground. It splattered onto Cody’s pants, but he didn’t care.

“There ya go. You’re doing great.” He awkwardly rubbed Parker’s back as the boy gagged again, turning to face the grass below once more.

“M’ overdid *gag* it…” Parker started to cry from the exertion.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about that now. Cody’s gotcha.”

Another bout of liquid spattered on the ground, some of it dripping down Parker’s chin. Cody had some napkins put away in the glove compartment, so he reached in and grabbed a couple.

“I *hiccup* unhghh…”

“You done Park?”

“Yeah…”

As if his body were trying to prove that it would not be controlled, he heaved up another round of clear, bubbly liquid.

“M’ done now.”

“Okay, up we go.” Cody wiped Parker’s mouth before slowly helping him up. His friend looked so pitiful, his hair so tousled and sweaty, his skin so pale… he hated to see him feeling so bad, but he had done it to himself.

“Alright, now… we’re going upstairs to my dorm room. If you need to puke, here’s a bag. Tell me to stop walking if we need to.”

Cody knew that was too much information, but it was worth a shot.

By some miracle, they made it to Cody’s room. Cody scanned his entry card, and then helped Parker onto the bed.

He sat next to him, rubbing his arm. Parker was curled up in a tiny half-asleep ball.

*buzz-buzz*

4:35 am Maverick: “Hey, you guys okay? How much did he drink?”

4:37 am Cody: “More than he should have… hey listen um… I was wondering… do you happen to know who’s going to the dinner with Brooklyn? She told me she was going with someone but didn’t say who.”

4:46 am Maverick: “You’re gonna flip out if I tell you.”

As much as that text intrigued him, Parker had partially woken up and had just puked all over himself and the bed.

Cody put his phone on the bedside table and then held Parker up so he wouldn’t choke if he puked again. Which, he did.

“Hnnngh… I feel like s***.”

“I know. You look like crap too.”

“Hhuuurrrrrrrkkk!” A thick, sludgy liquid came up.. It was sort of white and yellow… oh wait. Yeah, Cody would never look at french fries the same after tonight.

“That’s it. Get it up. I’ll fix the bed later.” Cody knew he couldn’t move him yet, so it was just best to get everything out.

After a few more empty, dry retches, Parker was finally done for the moment. Cody made the decision to take him to the bathroom and let him sit next to the toilet while he got some of his extra clothes to put on him.

He heard loud retching, almost obnoxious, from the bathroom. He just took a breath and went on looking for the clothes, knowing that more than likely Parker wouldn’t be done for a while, and probably didn’t register that he was there anyways.

“C-Cody?” A weak whimper filled the silence. Cody was shocked, but immediately grabbed a pair of boxers (which admittedly he felt weird about), pajama pants and a t-shirt, and then went to the bathroom.

He found Cody in a puddle of puke, tears streaming down his face.

“Don feel *hiccup* good…”

Cody felt his heart break.

“It’s okay. I know you don’t feel good. I promise it’ll be over soon.” He had to lie. The poor thing in this confused, overly dazed state couldn’t take the truth that he’d more than likely be puking for the next two days after how much he drank.

Cody got down next to Parker, putting a hand on Parker’s back. His shirt was damp with sweat and vomit. Cody rubbed up and down on his side, watching as Parker curled himself around the toilet.

“You’re gonna be okay Park.”

“S-sorry…” For a moment, Parker almost sounded sober…

“It’s alright, I can clean it up. You’re good.”

“No… the *hiccup* chick…”

Cody had been trying to forget about that.

“It’s not a big deal, really.”

“If I didn’t feel *hiccup* like I was gonna *hiccup* throw my guts up *hiccup* I’d have tried harder…” Parker turned his head back toward the water and puked up a thick stream of alcohol and whatever other fried foods he’d gotten into.

Cody felt bad. He knew Parker had tried, but he felt worse that Parker was sitting here puking and still thinking about that. He was sick. He didn’t need to be worried about that.

“Let’s um… talk about it when you’re sober hm?” Cody smiled sheepishly.

Parker nodded, his mouth opening slightly before gagging again.

“I’m gonna go get the bed ready. Can you stay here for a bit?”

“Mhmmm…” Parker spit a stringy line of saliva into the toilet.

Cody went out, and took the bedspread and pillowcases off. He tried to get as much of the puke off as he could, but hopefully the washing machine could do most of the work. He didn’t have another comforter, so he had to find his best throw blanket and go with that.

He finished making the bed, and then went back to the bathroom.

“Park?”

The boy was asleep on the toilet seat. Cody could feel his heartstrings being pulled one by one. He wet a washcloth and then sat down next to Parker, leaning him back slowly onto his shoulder. Cody then softly wiped his face, noting how sick he looked. Usually Parker was all crazy plans and bold ideas and loud things. It was far different to see him this way. So quiet, weak, and… helpless really.

He continued to clean Parker up, and then got him into fresh clothes. Then he helped him to the bed, and laid him down. This time, he’d put a bucket next to him. Not that it would really make much difference since Parker was probably too drunk to notice it. He pulled the blanket up to Parker’s shoulders, and then went back to the bathroom, cleaning up the rest of the mess.

When he finished, he went back to the couch and fell asleep. He knew he’d need the rest for Parker’s hangover the next morning. Thank goodness today was a Friday so they wouldn’t have school tomorrow.

(Part 2 coming soon!)

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[myhauntedsalem]

Graveyard Shift Workers Share Their Eeriest Encounters with the Supernatural

When the sun goes down, things can get a little creepy. Graveyard shift workers from around the globe have been sharing their spookiest supernatural encounters whilst on the job. From hospitals where death and the recently departed stalk the corridors to security guards who soon discover they are not alone in the empty buildings they guard. After reading these true-life ghost stories you’re about to gain a whole new appreciation for all the brave men and women who work the night shift.

During the long midnight hours, the things that go bump in the night are not always just figments of an overactive imagination, as the following people learned the hard way.

1. They Play at Night

“My mother used to work at a subacute center as a night shift nurse. She said one of the ladies kept calling her and told her to shut the kids up because they’re running around and being loud preventing her from falling asleep. Of course, there were no kids.

My mom just went along with it a few times and after working there for 10+ years, she says there’s one wing in the building where the patients all see children running around and making noise keeping them up in the middle of the night every once in a while.”

2. Midnight Calls

“I’m a nurse that worked at a psychiatric hospital for five years. That place was haunted as shit. Police would call us in the middle of the night saying some little girl who identified herself as Satana was calling 911 from a certain extension in the hospital.

That extension? The arts and crafts room. Nobody goes there at night. Nobody. I assure you. Yet there’s obviously something there. And it calls 911 a lot.

Lots of other stories from that place but that’s the craziest, creepiest one.”

3. The Elevator

“A woman I work with tells this story of how she showed up to work early for her shift, around 4:30 a.m., things are pretty much dead quiet (no pun intended) She gets on the empty elevator, hits the button for the 9th floor, elevator goes up to the 11th floor, doors open, no one there, doors close, back down to the 9th floor, as she gets off sees an old woman standing behind her in the elevator.”

4. The Sleep Experiment

“Like most very old hospitals, at one time our hospital was run by nuns. One particular unit had been converted into a sleep study lab area for outpatients tests. One shift in the middle of the night I was watching the video monitor and five patients simultaneously began removing their monitoring equipment. I went into the first room to ask what was going on and the patient said that old nurse with the cap on told her the study was over and that she could leave.

All the patients reported the same story.”

5. Blue Mist

“Worked nightshift at a treatment center.

We had cameras around every corner, nothing was out of our vision.

Blue misty figure would walk the grounds every once in a while at night. I would go out there and there’d be nothing. But on camera, this motherfucker would just walk around all night. Nothing evil, bad, or anything, but this mother fucker would just walk around like he owned the god damn place.”

6. The Little Girl in the Nightgown

“I used to work nights in a domestic violence shelter. The shelter was originally a school. One night I heard a little girl laughing outside of the office. I got up and the girl turned around and ran down the hall. I really thought that she was one of the resident’s; from the back she looked just like her. Except she was wearing a strange layered nightgown. She ran past the room I assumed she was going to, into a living room space. I went in right behind and there was nobody in there.”

7. The Praying Nun

“My dad worked at a mental hospital that used to be connected to an abandoned nun’s home by underground passage. He says that one night he was walking down there when he saw a praying nun. He walked by her and said hello. She did not acknowledge him.

My dad does not believe in ghosts, but he says there was a nun down there that night.”

8. A Friendly Voice

“I work in a restaurant and all the bakery people who stay late talk about the ghost of a little girl but I didn’t know this when I started. It was the middle of the day but we were slow so I was doing prep work by myself in the kitchen. I was at the prep table, kinda zoning out, listening to the distant music when I feel someone right next to me. Like a sudden presence. Then I swear to god I heard, in a little girl’s voice, the most innocent ‘Hi Josh! (My name) How are you?’ I even felt her breath. It was so so real and vivid but when I turned around there was no one there.

I started telling people about it and found out lots of coworkers heard the same voice. From everyone’s stories she (the ghost girl) seems really nice but it still sent chills down my spine.”

9. Nights on the Psych Ward

“I work night shift in psych. I have heard talking when everyone is asleep, footsteps, knocks on doors where nobody should even be, bathroom lights going off as I walk by (both patients were asleep), as well as seeing shadows every now and again. We had a nurse who was doing checks and felt something tug on her shirt.”

10. The Elevator Doors

“I did night security in a very old grain exchange building that had been converted to mainly lawyers offices. A lot of the building was remodeled but the grain exchange floor and vaults had been preserved and at the end of one hallway behind the main lobby I was stationed in there was an elevator that was original to the building that nobody ever used.

I was sitting at the desk one night around 3am when I heard the ding from down the hall that meant someone had called the elevator. There wasn’t suppose to be anyone in the building except me so I switched to that camera feed and the elevator doors were wide open which is only suppose to happen if the call button has been pushed. I wait a few minutes being pretty freaked out but the doors stay open and I never see anybody. The doors are suppose to close on their own shortly and these ones are stuck open. I start to think that someone is in the building and holding the door open button from within where I can’t see on the feed so I have to walk down there to check it out.

As soon as I get near the end of the hallway where I have a clear view of the elevator the doors close. I just kind of stand there feeling really uneasy and decide to head back to the desk and leave a note for the maintenance crew. About 10 minutes after I get back to the desk it happens again. Ding and then the doors roll open. Except I had the feed up so I know that nobody was there to press the call button. I wait and again the doors stay open. So I walk back down there and as soon as I walk into view they close.

There’s still a chance someone is hiding inside pressing the buttons so I go and press the call button myself. And nothing happens. The elevator doesn’t move and the doors don’t open. I press it again and still nothing so not really wanting to deal with that I start walking back to the desk. Get to the end of the hallway and Ding the doors open. I just stood there not really knowing what to do but then I figure since I’m closer maybe I will make it this time so I take off running for the doors before they close and as soon as I get close they close. I don’t think it would be in anyway possible for someone pressing a button inside to be able to time that without me seeing them peeking out so I decide I am done and go back to the desk. Again the ding and the doors open and stay that way but I just ignore it and switch to a different feed.

All is well for about an hour when suddenly there is a loud crash and a rattle and another crash and a rattle again and again. I am absolutely terrified and have no idea what is happening. I start flipping through feeds and get to the one outside the elevator, the doors are slamming shut and opening and slamming shut again and again. It’s like it knows it has my attention again and then the doors slowly reopen and stay there again like it’s tempting me to try and get there before they close again. I do not do that and instead call our patrol officer who is out driving between locations so I have proof of this with someone else. He gets there within 5 min and the doors are still open so once I fill him in we head down together and sure enough as soon as we get close the doors close. He goes and presses the call button and nothing. He’s pretty freaked out too now but we decide to just stay there outside the doors because if it’s just a perfectly timed malfunction it will open again. We stand there for almost a half hour and they never open but he gets a call come in so has to take off. We get halfway back to the desk and hear the doors open behind us. He tells me to go to the desk and watch the feed while he walks down there. Once I’m in place I tell him to go and same thing as soon as he enters the frame the doors close. He starts kicking the doors and pressing the buttons but it doesn’t do any good. He has to leave so he wishes me luck and tells me to just stay away from it. I have about an hour left in my shift when the doors start doing the slamming and opening again. I just stood at the far end of the hallway listening but it didn’t stop.

Took off as soon as the shift ended and left a report for maintenance about the issue. Next shift I worked I showed up early before they had taken off but they said when they got there it was working fine and they didn’t notice anything wrong. That night was quiet and in the rest of the time I worked there only 1 more night did those doors open but I just ignored it and after awhile they closed again and that was that.”

[cr0wprince]

Now I’m afraid my name might be brought up though. I did some shitty things with her when we were friends. It’s been five to almost seven years (five since the last time I spoke to her and almost seven since I met her). I was 17-18 in the time I knew her and I’m very easily influenced by the people around me, but I’m ultimately responsible for my actions. I saw another ex-friend of hers brought up (not by name) and now I’m kind of scared.

I’m gonna be a little vague and my memory isn’t the best (I try to block things out as a defense mechanism), but I’m going to try to recount it, just for my own benefit. I’m not even going to name her, but will refer to her as LR. I don’t think anyone cares tbh lmao

I met her in 2014. It was probably February or March, so I was 17. We were both cosplaying Attack on Titan, very big at the time. Someone posted in a con Facebook group that they made a cosplay group for the area/con for Attack on Titan. I only had my jeans, shirt, jacket (that I made), wig, and glasses for Hanji at that time and I posted a picture, “I’m not too confident in how I look, but here’s my cosplay.” and she commented that it was a good cosplay. We went from there, started chatting, and made plans to meet at the con. She was 19 at the time, of it really matters, but we were still age appropriate friends.

The con comes by. I didn’t wear Attack on Titan the first day, felt kind of left out when we started meeting other people from the group. She’s always been a social butterfly (I think it’s an attention thing more than she actually enjoys it tbh, but I might be biased??) and I’ve been really shy about approaching people after being bullied in middle school. The next two days I wore my unfinished SNK cosplay, didn’t have the belts, but had a fun time.

She ran a panel and promised that I could be Hanji in it and let someone else be Hanji as well, and this person got more attention because she was more outgoing, which kind of bummed me out, but at 17, I was a very jealous cosplayer and would get jealous about people cosplaying the same thing as me. Not a healthy mindset, but it is what it is and you grow from it.

She had told me she was in pre-med (I’m going to remind you she’s 19 at this point, not unusual but it’s what she tells me next which is the questionable part) and that she’s going to start on the medical stuff the next year. I’m 17 and naive and don’t question it. I know now pre-med takes four years. This is an example of her lying to me/holding things in.

We continued being friends with the SNK group, had meetups at a local park, and whatever. She lamented to me about not being able to go to Colossalcon because she couldn’t afford it or something and my parents pay for cons, so I talked them into letting her stay with us. I had started cosplaying Ymir to her Christa and I did have a cry privately to LR when another girl cosplayed Ymir to another girl’s Christa because the other Christa felt left out by me being LR’s Ymir. I felt jealous they got more attention, again, not a healthy mindset, but I was 17 and convinced I was going to be a professional cosplayer. I know now it’s a bad mindset. LR took my meltdown the wrong way, which I’ll get to later.

It wasn’t long after, maybe a couple months. She had stopped hanging out with the friend I had met her with at the con, which I realize now is kind of sus, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But anyway, a couple months later at most, she makes a post in the Facebook group that she’s been feeling left out of the SNK group. A few people from it got together to talk about it, she finds out, and I get pissed. I make a big post in the group about how they’re purposely leaving her out. I’m loyal to a fault, and sometimes it blinds me. It splits the group, they still keep together, but LR and I separate from them.

We move on to different series and start doing cosplay photos. It’s something I wanted to do for a while. She’s a little hesitant, but I hype it up and she eventually gets into it. At Otakon, she asks mentions if I’d be okay with her cosplaying Juvia (a big comfort character of mine, and one I’d failed to finish a cosplay of that con, but I’d gotten Levy done, which still worked with her Lucy) and I’m thrown off guard. I tell her no lmao. I mean really though, what would I do? But it’s important later.

I have big plans. I don’t always finish my big plans. I want to do a ton of different cosplays and she feeds into me. She finishes things while I normally don’t. I realize I shouldn’t have agreed to do so many, but also, the one’s she made aren’t unwearable? She can cosplay without me matching? But it’s something she internalizes.

We book lots of shoots. It’s fun! We don’t get the most expensive photographers (we’re 18 and 20 at the time) but it’s fun. There’s a particular photographer I wanted to work with and she books her since she’s dealing with it at this point since I have a lot of anxiety talking to people. By the time the con rolls around, my costume didn’t work out the way I wanted and my skirt is held up with safety pins. It shows in the photos, so does her back acne. She goes on a tangent on her Facebook cosplay page about how unprofessional the photographer is, how she doesn’t edit photos for anyone but her friends. I, unfortunately, share it. At that time, neither of us have a big following (I still don’t, she doesn’t really either, only 3,700 after she remade, but did have almost 10k at one point), so it doesn’t go far. The photographer and friends stick up for the photographer and it doesn’t go anywhere luckily.

I’m falling deeper into depression at this point. I’m not finishing projects I’m supposed to do with her, messages are spotty on my end. We still do a couple of cons together. The next con of the first we met at comes around, I don’t have anything done, I’m mortified. I skip a whole day. It’s in driving distance so it’s not like I was wasting a whole hotel day. She gets photos solo. It seems fine.

She messages me one day that her parents kicked her out. Something about a fight over her mom saying minimum wage workers don’t work as hard and LR snapping back. Her parents were really nice the couple of times I met them, which isn’t always indicative of how someone really is, but now I feel in my gut that there had to be something more. It feels like petty reason. She moves into her grandparents (and further selfies match that, so it seems like it had to be bad if she never went back). She messages me this and I’m thrown so off guard. Yeah, we called each other best friends. We didn’t talk to many other people as far as I knew at that point, but I had no idea what to say. It’s bad on my part, but I didn’t answer her for a week.

She didn’t message me or anything, didn’t delete me off Facebook, but vague posted me there about being there for people when they won’t be there for you, and people were hyping her up. I realized it might’ve been about me. I called her crying, terrified. Sent her messages. I don’t exactly remember what transpired, but did make up.

There was a point she told me she was dropping pre-med to become an accountant because it took a year and she wanted to focus on cosplay. Again, stupid 18yo me believed that that made sense and was like, “Oh okay!”

We went to a couple more cons, I’m pretty sure she was using me. We make plans for Youmacon, but I don’t message her for like a week in September of 2015. She asks if I’m okay (the only time) I tell her I’m doing really bad. We don’t talk until close to the con. I admit to her that I was thinking of admitting myself to the psych ward it was that bad, but though I didn’t tell her that, it’s ultimately a very hard, very personal choice. (I made it in May and it’s not an easy choice.) She tears me a new one, saying I should’ve went, that I was using her for companionship. She said she had plans to go to another con?? So the way I see it, she cared more about going to a con than anything else. She never checked in on me after I told her I was doing bad, just to take my time.

She has a new bff at this point. This is going to be so cruel, but her new friend isn’t as put together, which is fine! Cosplay is for fun! But I mention this because they get photos together. After my obsession with becoming a professional cosplayer, LR got into that mindset too. I’m so fucking sure that she used this other girl in photos to look better next to. The difference is so obvious in photos.

I make a cosplay that LR cosplayed when we were friends. I’m so proud. I haven’t finished anything in months. I cosplay a couple of things she did, but we were friends at one point, we like the same series, and there are a lot of big series. It’s bound to happen.

She vagues me on Instagram. She continues to stalk me on there (and I did her, not proud of it, but I’ll admit it). She posts things about how an ex friend had a breakdown over her having other friends (when I confided in her my jealousy over the Ymir/Christa duo), how I wouldn’t let her cosplay Juvia lmao (this still gets me. What would I do? Break your arm? You asked me on the spot and I was uncomfortable.). There was one Juvia cosplay post that I mentioned I had lost weight because while my uncle was dying, I wasn’t eating. I was helping with cleaning his house and I just wasn’t fucking eating. She took that as a jab about her because she has self image issues. There was also a big post she made how she KNEW I was cosplaying all the same things as her to make her jealous and to make her insecure, mentioning me by name even. I reported it and it got taken down.

I’d heard things through the grapevine. How she started shit in the Fate community and she was afraid of being beat up at Katsucon’s public photoshoot. How she tried to make a Love Live group, but when two girls couldn’t afford it and they would no longer have all nine, she threw a fit and cancelled the whole group. I’d also heard about her making a fuss over photos she got back when a cosplayer’s grandparent was dying. I stayed away after like a year, but a couple of people who knew me that knew I was friends with her would tell me things.

I wasn’t the best person, either. I’ll take responsibility for that. I wish I could apologize to the people I hurt while friends with her, but I no longer remember their names. I was a dumb teenager. I still get swept up in the people around me and get carried away when the people I are about are hurt. Maybe it’s something I need to work on. But, I ultimately don’t think she’s grown. I don’t think she’s gotten better. I think she’s only gotten worse over the year.

I’m not proofreading. There might be more, but it was a lot to go through, but I wanted to get it out. I hope the read more works, but I’m gonna throw on a long post warning too. If you read this, thank you, by the way. I just felt like I had to get it out.